#crippling rsd makes it painful to talk to people most of the time

[flickerbit]

My adhd really is the source of everything huh

[citrineghost]

On ADHD, Being Dramatic, and Being Lazy

Gather round everyone. It’s time for our every-few-monthsly post on ADHD by your local ADHD ghost. In this episode, we’re talking about ADHD and how it relates to “being dramatic” and “being lazy.”

On Being Dramatic

No doubt a lot of you have been told you’re being dramatic over the years. I know I have. There are a lot of reasons one might be dramatic, but they’re rarely about the drama.

If I’m to guess the origin of the word dramatic, I’d guess it probably has something to do with over exaggerating your response for the drama. I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of people being dramatic - on tiktok and vine, on youtube... drama calls for dramaticism.

Do you want to know what isn’t dramatic? Genuine reactions. That’s right - genuine reactions, inherently, cannot be categorized as dramatic or hyperbolic. There is nothing about them that is being overdone with the intention of getting attention or entertaining other people. So, let’s talk a bit about how this conflation has hurt us as a community.

Growing up, everything I did was “dramatic.” Crying because I didn’t want to do more chores was dramatic. Having a panic attack because there was a spider in the room was dramatic. Freaking out because I needed people to stop touching me was dramatic. Getting angry when my mother made jokes about my sex life as a teen was dramatic (and apparently abusive, but that’s neither here nor there). Nothing I did that involved a noteworthy amount of emotion was anything, if not dramatic.

On Being Lazy

I know a lot of you have also been labeled as lazy over the years. “Lazy” is the diagnosis everyone loves to give to those who don’t do enough, in their eyes. If you “could have” done something and then “chose not to,” you’re lazy... right?

Growing up, I was lazy too. I was lazy for avoiding housework. I was lazy for not wanting to brush my teeth. I was lazy because I didn’t turn in my homework. I was lazy for staying in bed, on my computer, most of the day.

If I’d only just “applied myself,” or if I would just “put in the work,” then I would be respectable to the people around me. But, because I wasn’t “willing” to put in the time and effort, I was lazy.

Why Is Emotion Dramatic?

The short answer is: it’s not. The real question is, why do people seem to perceive emotion as being dramatic? These are real emotions, after all - real and genuine feelings that are being dismissed as playacting. There are a number of reasons.

Why Are We Lazy?

Again, the short answer is: most people aren’t. The question here is, why do people see others not doing something and assume it’s because they simply don’t want to put in the work? Why do they not seek out an explanation or consider other alternatives? There are a number of reasons for that too.

The Answer...

Editing to put a Read More here because it’s very long

(TW for each of these sections in their name)

1. Sexism

At its core, seeing emotional outbursts or responses as dramatic is inherently rooted in sexism. Whether you’re a boy or a girl, man or woman, if your emotions are being mocked, it’s almost definitely because of our world’s history of sexism and relating emotion to women, who are “illogical” and “just want attention.”

And “real men” work! They work hard! They work long hours! They put themselves into an early grave, with pride, by never sitting down to rest! For this very reason, women, housewives of decades past, were expected, after a long day of doing housework and caring for the children - things that are just as exhausting as a full time job - to dote on their husbands who had just returned from work expecting a hot meal and a beer to be ready for them. Her work is devalued. It wasn’t grueling or tiring or important. It was just “women’s work.” A wife who does all of the housework and child rearing and fails to provide a hot meal and a warm body to her husband is “lazy.”

This is further shown to affect men as well. We can see, as early as non-manual labor-based jobs existed, the men who took them were lesser. Men who work at computers are seen as nerds and geeks - weak. Men who work in universities, coming up with new solutions to our medical needs and discovering the mathematics we need for space travel and advanced technology - they’re weak too. They’re unimportant to society because they’re not willing to get their hands dirty. Those men who prefer artistry are called gay and seen as disposable. It is irrelevant to the conservative man that his artistic counterpart designs everything that fills his home and office - that without artists we would have nothing.

2. Racism and classism

You might be surprised, but racism and classism both have their hands in this as well. I’m talking full on systemic oppression. The ability for people in power to look down on those they see as beneath them for being emotional or passionate about a topic or incident is all about power. You can see a million examples of this today. POC are called dramatic or are implied to be blowing things out of proportion by conservative white people because they want equal rights and feel they’re being treated unfairly. Their emotions are dismissed as irrational and dramatic. 

The cries of the poor, whether white or of color, are mocked. They have no reason to be having the emotions they’re having because they wouldn’t be in the position they’re in if they weren’t “lazy.” After all, only lazy people don’t have money. Only lazy people can’t get work. If they had just “applied themselves,” they would have an income, a home, and ample food on the table.

3. Ableism

And, last but not least, we have ableism. The neurotypical and abled people of the world, at large, cannot understand the experiences of the disabled, both emotionally(those with mental illnesses, disorders, and so on(whether or not certain disorders can be categorized as a disability in a just society is another topic entirely, but they are regarded that way, generally)) and physically.

If you have sensory overload, you are being irrational. It doesn’t matter to a NT if this is caused by an actually chemically different response in your brain. It doesn’t matter if it’s Real To You. To them, it doesn’t make sense, and so you deserve no compassion for your experience. Your emotional response is dramatic.

If you have executive dysfunction, you are simply choosing not to do your work. It doesn’t matter that there is an actual reason, buried in you somewhere, for why you have become Stuck. It doesn’t matter if you feel crippled by this aspect of your life. They see that you have neglected to do something they deem easy. Therefore, you are “lazy.”

ADHD and Being Dramatic

For those of us with ADHD, being called dramatic is a very familiar experience. After a while, we begin to internalize it. We must be dramatic, right? After all, so many different people have told us we are - and for good reason. We do tend to get overly emotional.

So the question is, why? Why do we get overly emotional? Why are our emotions so much different than those of our NT peers?

1. Lack of Emotional Regulation

A big part of ADHD, which is not yet a diagnostic criteria, is our emotional disregulation. ADHD, inherently, comes with some amount of disregulation in our emotions. We have a hard time controlling the emotions that we feel and managing the intensity of them. They may come across as overly intense, or they may seem subdued, both for reasons we can’t possibly figure out as individuals. This disregulation is entirely out of our control, happening at a neurological level. Our brain chemicals don’t work as they should. But, no matter how unregulated our emotions are, they are still real. We do still feel them, exactly as intensely as we think we do. Disregulated does not mean made up.

2. RSD

If you knew about RSD before, or you’ve read my last post on ADHD (under my tag adhdghost), which has gained some popularity, you already know what this means. For those who don’t, RSD is short for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This condition plagues something like 99.9% of people with ADHD (while not being ADHD exclusive.) It comes with the lack of emotional regulation and means we have a reaction, that seems out of proportion (or “dramatic”), relative to the thing that caused it.

In short, RSD episodes can look like an entire breakdown, a very sudden loss of any self esteem or confidence, the feeling that you are certain someone now hates you or has secretly always hated you, and/or an immediate need to get rid of the thing that caused it. These episodes are caused by any kind of perceived failure or disappointment. They can be caused by someone whose opinion or relationship we value who gives us a slightly judgmental look, someone saying they don’t understand why we like the thing we’re interested in, or even not living up to our own expectations. These episodes frequently lead to emotional outburts, episodes, breakdowns, and tears. Naturally, all of this is “dramatic,” despite it being very real and painful for those experiencing it.

3. Combination with Other Things

Emotional disregulation can interact with other parts of our lives as well. For instance, I have a lot of phobias. My reactions to seeing or being around the things that terrify me can be even more intense than how most people react to their phobias. They can cause anxiety attacks, emotional breakdowns, and lasting fear for hours or days after. My recovery from these instances is hindered by my inability to regulate the feelings they caused.

Emotional disregulation can also interact with triggers, trauma, sensory problems, etc.

ADHD and Being Lazy

And of course, if you struggle with ADHD, you want to know, “Why am I so lazy?” The answer is: you’re not! Laziness is a made up word. Laziness was created to pass blame onto people who struggle to do things that more typical people can accomplish with ease.

So, what is the reason we struggle to do these seemingly simple tasks?

1. Executive Dysfunction

This is The Big One. Of all the things that can cause an inability to do things, executive dysfunction is the Achilles heel of ADHD. Because ADHD causes a difficulty with prioritizing, rewarding actions with no immediate reward, and creating a list of steps for us to take (something that comes naturally to NT people), we sometimes get “Stuck.”

This feeling of being stuck may look like us just having fun and avoiding our responsibilities. You may be Stuck right now, scrolling through tumblr mechanically even though you’ve been needing to pee for three hours. Naturally, you’ve been wanting to go to the bathroom... you just don’t know how.

To a NT, this sounds ridiculous. “Just get up and go?!” I’m sure you can imagine your parents saying, when they simply don’t understand. The truth is, tumblr can be a nightmare for executive function. It endlessly scrolls, giving you post after post. There’s no natural stopping point. You keep an eye out for a natural end to this activity, but it’s hard to find the right post to stop on. If you find those, “This is your sign to go to bed,” posts helpful - otherwise locked into the activity of scrolling regardless of whether you want to - you might be struggling with executive dysfunction.

This inability to “queue” our actions or prioritize what we need to do, and in what order, can wreak all kinds of havoc in our lives. You remember you didn’t really understand that equation the math teacher explained earlier. You know today’s homework is related to its use. Therefore, you cannot start your homework. There are a number of possible solutions floating around your head. Maybe the book will explain it better. Maybe your parents know how to do this and you could ask them. Maybe you could Google it. It’s possible the homework is about something else. But, if it is, what if you don’t understand that? Maybe you should ask your teacher before class?

Even though you have all of these solutions in your head, because you don’t know which solution is the best solution, you find yourself unable to do any of them. You show up to class with no homework and your teacher gives you a disappointed look. “I don’t understand why you don’t just apply yourself more. You’re a very smart student.” The remark brings you to holding back tears, because you want, with every fiber of your being, to apply yourself and make your teacher proud, but you simply don’t know how.

This is the destructive nature of executive dysfunction, and it is not something to be taken lightly.

2. Distraction

For those with ADHD, the inability to regulate external stimuli makes focusing incredibly hard. You wake up one morning and plan to start that English paper after breakfast. You go to get yourself some cereal. You’re out of milk. You decide to make toast instead. You burn your toast because you lost track of time for just 30 seconds. You go to throw it away, feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt over the two pieces of bread you wasted. The trash is overflowing. You decide to take it outside. It’s a really nice day out. Maybe you should take your dog for a walk. You haven’t taken her on a walk in a while and you’re just now feeling motivated to, so you should take advantage of that. You go to retrieve your dog and take her for a walk. When you bring her back in, you go to get her treats from the shelf in the laundry room. Oh yeah, you’d been meaning to do laundry. You go to get your laundry hamper from your room and notice there’s a bunch of laundry on the floor. You begin picking up the laundry from the floor. You may as well tidy up the other things on the floor as well. You finally get around to taking your laundry to the washer. You’re out of soap. Maybe you ought to make a run to the grocery store. You take ten minutes to find your keys and wallet and then head out to the grocery store. When you get there, you’ve forgotten what it was you needed. “Oh, right! I’m out of milk!” You go and retrieve milk. When you get to the checkout and the cashier rings you up, you suddenly remember you need laundry soap. Well, it’s too late now. You’ll have to do laundry tomorrow. You can’t risk the cashier giving you a tired look by asking them to wait. You go home and make some cereal. You can’t really write while you eat, so you open tumblr. you scroll through tumblr for a while. Your cereal gets soggy, you notice, disappointed. You see a tumblr post reminding you that you forgot to order something important online that you need to get here as soon as possible. The day continues in this way until you finally realize at 5pm that you never started your paper. “It’s so late now... I’ll just start it tomorrow morning,” you tell yourself. Rinse and repeat.

If you relate to this, you might want to consider researching ADHD a bit, because this is a very typical ADHD experience.

3. Hyperfixation and Hyperfocus

The last prominent reason why people with ADHD are seen as lazy has to do with a cycle in hyperfixation and hyperfocus.

If you don’t already know, hyperfixations are those interests you have that fill you with an overwhelming love and which take up an incredible amount of your time, energy, and brain space. These could be fandoms, hobbies, characters, games, or otherwise.

Hyperfocus, on the other hand, can be related to hyperfixations or things that aren’t hyperfixations. Hyperfocus is when you get “locked in” on a task and can’t seem to put it down. If you started this post not knowing how long it was and find yourself still raptly reading, completely ignoring the world around you, you may have hyperfocused on it. If you ever start cleaning and just can’t stop until the whole house is clean, despite your lack of regularly cleaning for over a month, you are hyperfocusing on cleaning. If you write a 20k word fic in one night, you are hyperfocusing.

Hyperfocusing can leave you completely unaware of the world around you, causing you to neglect your own basic needs, such as food, bathroom breaks, water, and social interaction. 

Because people with ADHD are able to occasionally apply themselves to such an extreme degree, NT people don’t understand why ADHD people are unable to apply themselves to other things as well. The reason we can’t is because we do not regulate our hyperfocus. Hyperfocus comes from tasks that are giving us serotonin, to make up for our brains inability to give serotonin in the way it should - in the way NT brains do. Emptying the dishwasher just felt really good. The next thing you know, you’re filling it with more dishes and wiping off counters and sweeping the floor and, “oh god, it looks so nice what if I just-” and then you move on to the laundry and the living room and the bedroom and then somehow 6 hours have passed. You don’t know how it happened, but now your house is clean and you feel amazing... but also tired and hungry. So you go make some food and then pass out on the couch.

So, when NT people see this kind of laser focus, they demand to know why you couldn’t do that simple math assignment, or why you haven’t been returning their texts, or why you couldn’t apply the same level of energy and enthusiasm on that really boring geography project. They demand to know why you’re so “lazy” the rest of the time.

There’s also the element of hyperfixation. It is the ultimate distraction. Your parents tell you to do the dishes and you say you will. Suddenly, you’ve found a fanfiction about your hyperfixation and you can’t stop reading it. It’s 60k words long and it will take you all day, but you’ll find a break to do your chores somewhere in there, right?

Your mom is suddenly knocking on your door what feels like 5 minutes later, but it’s been an hour. She wants to know why you didn’t do the dishes yet. You’re upset at yourself, but you lash out at her, because you’re unable to regulate your emotions. “I’ll do it in a minute!” you say loudly from behind your door. She walks off, irritated. You ask yourself why you can’t just do it now. Why does it feel impossible to tear yourself away? Your hyperfixation is the ultimate creator of hyperfocus. It rules you.

Before you know it, it’s midnight. You’ve finished the fic. It was amazing. You realize with dread that you still haven’t done the dishes, so you sneak out to the kitchen, hoping your parents have gone to bed. They have, but you find the dishes have already been done by someone else. Suddenly, you’re holding back tears from the RSD episode this has triggered. You ruined everything. You disappointed your parents. You’re a lazy and terrible child and they deserve better.

The truth is, you’re none of those things. In fact, you’re struggling with one of the most difficult mental blocks someone can have. But to others, you’re just making excuses. To others, you should have been able to just do the dishes and then go back to reading. But you know it’s not that easy. But why?

It’s ADHD, Babey!

If this post is hitting hard in a way that feels like your life is being splayed out before you, you might just have ADHD.

The fact is you are not dramatic and you are not lazy. You are struggling with a lot of ADHD symptoms that are making functioning in a neurotypical world incredibly difficult. This world was designed by and for NT people. Your worth is not based in how you live up to their expectations.

If you think you might have ADHD, it might be time to ask your doctor about getting an ADHD evaluation. Please check out my last post (the one i mentioned is under my tag adhdghost) to get more information on RSD and on getting evaluated.

An Important Note

Many experiences and struggles caused by ADHD are also present in other disorders. For example, RSD can be seen frequently in autism as well as in anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Sensory overload, emotional disregulation, executive dysfunction, and so on, can all be present in things other than ADHD. If you want to know if you fit the criteria for ADHD, go check out the criteria on the ADDitude website, which is a great source for ADHD related information.

[l-l-kristofferson]

My Last Semester Of School

For those who have been following me on Instagram, you guys have been up to date about things I've been doing. Including the fact that I have finally finished school as of Thursday the 14th. When I finished, I could not describe the feeling that came over me. It was pure and utter joy. I have been going to school since I was five years old. I am about to turn twenty-two next month. That's nearly seventeen years of school. Seventeen years of busting my ass. Seventeen years of stress, irritation, and frustration. But after all that, I have finished with the best grades I've ever had. For the first time since I've been in college, I made the Dean's List. And I am proud of myself.

Although it is the end, the road to get here was not an easy one. There were numerous challenges that I faced to get to this point. I could not have made it without the support of my mom and stepdad, my friends and their kindness, my teachers, my classmates, and the countless number of customers that encouraged me while I was at work. I would also like to thank the staff at my school: my friends in the lunchroom, my friends in the library, my friends at the bookstore, and the many friends I made through the social events I attended in my final semester. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all. For your kindness, sincerity, and encouragement. It really carried me through.

Now to get into specifics.

The summer before my final semester, I sought out an internship. To do this, I had to seek out the coordinator of the Experimental Learning program, Angela. She was the sweetest and most hip of most of the people I had met at my school. She liked a lot of the music I liked. Brownie points for that. So she was my push to get the perfect internship. She helped me every step of the way. From the search, to the interview, to the resume, to the cover letter, and to the final stages. I came to her when I was having issues with my internship. For those who don't know, I interned in downtown Philadelphia at a place called US Dream Academy. It is a wonderful program that provides a lot of opportunities for children and teenagers. I got a chance to interact with the staff behind the scenes and the kids on some level. Although it was a good program, my contact person was not the best at communication. Which made no sense since they had Drexel interns and volunteers. Long story short, I had few hours and it was nearing the end of the semester. In light of that situation, I had to get another internship. I interned with the Associate Dean of the Arts at my school. I've had her as a teacher before so we had a preexisting relationship.

At the end of it all, I succeeded in my assignments from both internships. I made a post about author and writer Julia Kristeva. If you have not seen that one, go check it out. It is titled "I Love Writing" and it was by far one of my favorite assignments ever. My favorite assignment of all time was designing a poetry workshop for the kids of US Dream Academy. It was a six week program and it was a tedious task. But it was something I loved. I hope they get someone with as much enthusiasm as me to teach it.

If the internships weren't enough pressure, I had to do the homework for six classes. That's a full course load for a full time student. The least to take for a full time student is twelve credits (four classes). I was taking eighteen (six classes). I was initially supposed to take five classes with the internship being something extra. But when it was fully integrated and now a requirement in order to graduate, I was shit out of luck when I thought I could just drop the internship when I wasn't getting the hours. Thanks to Angela and the Associate Dean, it was all made possible. Some of the assignments were ridiculous, especially from my Junior Seminar class. This teacher wanted us to do weekly responses, do a minimum of a five page paper and read three to four hundred page books in a WEEK. A WEEK! I know this is college but come on. We have other classes to attend to. This guy assumed we could solely devote ourselves to his work and get it all done. Despite all this, I got a B in his class. It only got fun near the end when we got to the Zombie Apocalypse. I love that stuff sooooooo much. I love all things zombie.

When I wasn't at home doing homework, out at my internship, or at home sleeping, I was at work. I wasn't scheduled a lot but I was always scheduled to close during the week. The night shift on a weekday is very busy when you work in retail. This is the time that people get out of work and come to pick up the things they need for dinner, the house, or things for their families. The busiest days at the store are Mondays, Fridays, the first of the month, and weekends. If you work in retail, you know that this is all true. At my job, I would have to snack on something during my shift. I only got a half hour lunch. That isn't enough time to relax and eat. So I would have to buy snacks to sustain me as I worked.

During my break, I would listen to music and text so I could detox. Those who have never had a job in retail think that it is easy to be a Sales Associate. You have to deal with customers that get angry when things aren't a dollar or the price they want it to be (I work at Dollar General. Because dollar is in the name, everyone thinks it's a dollar store), customers messing up displays and merchandise, leaving carts in the parking lot, and putting things back because they can't afford it. I have some words of advice for most of the customers that come into my store: please read the signs closely and come in with a budget. If you did that, you wouldn't have problems you have when you come in.

If I wasn't dealing with anything about school or work, I would have to deal with problems in my personal life. For those who have followed me and have gotten to know me, you know I suffer from horrible insomnia. So I normally don't sleep well at night. And when I can't sleep, I am up writing or chatting online. On a lot of mornings, I would have to drink a strong cup of tea to get through the day. I try to drink as little caffeine as possible so I don't end up dependent on it. But I would always deal and get through the day. Thank you Lipton black tea for keeping me awake on those long school days.

But when it wasn't sleep problems, it was problems with my mood, hygiene, and basic self care. In a previous post, I spoke about my two and a half month low in a crippling depression. That spanned throughout most of the semester. It wasn't until mid November that things started to improve. So from the end of August until mid November, it was a struggle to even get out of bed. I nearly lost myself. But I held on and got the help I needed. I thank those who supported me through that hard time and lifted me up to get to this part of my journey. You are all wonderful people.

Now I'll talk about the fun stuff.

I got really close to my friends Amber, Meggie, Jordan, and Rich. There were countless others like my friend Chris (Big Brother), my fellow loco Puerto Rican Manny, my very close female friend (I've talked about her before), my friend Karyn (Danni), and my good friend and coworker Adriel.

This year, I got to help out at my school's haunted house, which my friend Meggie ran this year. We raised money for the Ferocious Fighters, a charity that supported research and treatment for the neurological condition RSD. My friend Meggie suffers from the condition and has for nearly five years. She is by far the strongest friend I've ever had. She has to deal with constant pain everyday. But she doesn't complain and she faces every single day with a bright smile and a strong sense of determination. I admire her very much. She is a fighter like me. And the kindest soul. I love you Meggie.

My friends Amber and Jordan were like the dynamic duo. I would hang out in their class if I happened to be free on Thursdays. We would chat it up and have a good laugh. Jordan was the king of memes. He would make them all the time. He is also my go to guy when it comes to anime pictures. If I ever needed something, he was there to find it. As for Amber, she was queen of Vans merch, along with being queen of the bands The Front Bottoms and Modern Baseball. She reminds me of Tina from Bob's Burgers. When the three of us were together, Jordan was Gene, Amber was TIna, and I was Louise (mostly because I was an outspoken, crazy and at times mischievous guy). They enjoyed my weird humor and quirkiness.

Thank you guys for being my friends. You brightened my days when they seemed so bleak. For listening to my problems and never turning me away. You guys will always have a place in my heart and a place in my phone. I've never met a group of people so awesome. And Alisitie, don't think I forgot about you. I love you too you amazing human being.

This post was not only about me. It was also to appreciate all the people that played a part in me getting to this place. I love you all so much. Words cannot describe what you mean to me. I am grateful for you.

Quick update for you guys. I have a new email address to interact with you guys. If you want that email, DM me here. I will also post my social media and story handles for you.

Instagram: lame_dude_20 (Profile picture of Roxas)

Kik: kingsebastianisdead (Profile picture of Ventus. Username is The Roxas Joker)

Wattpad: WarriorEmpath

I will be posting a yaoi vignette on Wattpad before the new year. So stick around for that.

Thanks for listening. Write again soon.