#could have said dancing too but
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What's something your OC does to wind down after a long day?
Play with Panda! Best way to wind down is with a real lazy friend, the panda he raised from a cub! Sure he usually have a number of other critters around his home, but usually they are special needs and quite the handful. Panda is just to sit down besides and they can relax and snack or lazilly play together for a moment. Like cuddling a big teddy bear except it is alive and happy to see you!
- Warm Cozy Asks -
#thanks for the ask!#cadrenebula#Dusk Hydrae#could have said dancing too but#not really a wind down#or well guess that depends on the dance of choice
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If u ever feel bad about yourself know that today at work I got so invested in a debate we were having surrounding whether social media was a good or a bad thing, that I loudly exclaimed "there's no library writing group that wants to read about my two favourite fictional guys kissing" and then had to exist while everyone stared at me like I'd grown two heads
#you would think this was a made up story from 2014 but this is in fact my life#i work with pretty straight laced dudes too so. this will forever haunt me#i was just so sick of the argument that all my interests could he matched by people i could meet in my local community#and to be clear i LOVE my local community i go to my local libraries book club once a month and have coffee with the old ladies who run it#and im about to start going to a weekly dance club run by my community#but online spaces offer me a different type of interaction with different types of communities i struggle to find irl#was the point i should have made#instead i said thus
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Some matador studies :)
+ ref pic I like but couldn't even attempt to draw 😭
#its funny how your brain can randomly turn on#no one saw it (i hope) but i posted some other matador sketches last night#MAN they were not great imo. i only kept one of them for this post lmao#like i was referencing pics and it was just not working in my brain except for the one#and then i came back to it just now and boom suddenly i could ref poses very well??????#istg i either struggle so bad and have to trace the pose to check shapes and its a whole ordeal#or like now i randomly can look at pics and get the pose down pretty well#not perfect obv but i drew these all in like 50 mins so ????? pretty good no?#just having a severe matador moment#like i wanna draw more of the AU but i need to study poses first#something i actually really dont do a lot cause its often frustrating#but wow these were quite fun!#not worrying abt the end product yknow#i love matador pics so fucking much#bcs you never have to worry abt: is this unrealistic? is this too flamboyant?#cause man the pics are fucking insane#i think the legs are my favorite? theyre all just very slayful i guess. idk how to describe it#but it always feels like a dance#anyways! maybe more matador nando soon#i think i said before but ah....really wanna draw him bloody#catie.art.#matador au
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i forgot. how exhausting playlist making is. damn. sorry about the tags i have so much to say about playlist making lol
#especially when i want to put EFFORT into it. ugh#i know i have time i know but the perfectionism 🥹#me shaking my playlist like I NEED IT TO FLOW >:((( FLOW!!!!#and i need the flow to match that. ehem energy. i guess#sorry these are really mindless rambles about the playlist lol ik no one understands what im saying..#but music is such an important arifer thing. they are So nerd about their music and their playlist silliness. this playlist particularly#needs to be PERFECT. ough takahara being in charge of the playlist because lucifer said he'd take care of decorations and#venue was a MISTAKE girl i don't want to do this anymore /j i had been thinking i could order it similarly to the actual arifer playlist#that is always a possibility... but lowkey slow dancing aly&aj as the first song would hit so hard. it really would.... but THEN i'd have to#put the letter after that but. thematic relevance where. this is the SECOND SONG it has to be important >:T which was why the original order#was from the gallows > eternal. because. eternal has to be at the very least. the third song. but slow dancingggggg 😭#hmph#oh god poison and wine sounds nice after the letter DAMMIT..... HEAD IN HANDS. why are all of you bangers it's not fair...#and then i can't just use the ACTUAL arifer playlist because motherfucker im not starting off my wedding with fucking ARCADIA 💀#and yes the arifer playlist has to be played in order because the order is relevant. it will always be relevant. that's why im stressing#😭#ari.mp3#it's too easy to hate you and hard to love.
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I always think about how in multiple episodes it's basically canon that Blanche is bi but considers dating women to be more hassle (which is a whole rabbit hole to go down - does she struggle with societal homophobia when she's with women? Has she only been with fellow high maintenance femmes when shes really after a Dorothy type? Has she internalized the idea that her attraction to women isn't 'real'? Her reaction to Clayton adds to these questions). Not to mention how this goes together with her relationships with the girls; making to kiss Rose that one time (and Rose multiple times seeming very aware of Blanche's proclivities), begging Dorothy for 'relief' and being convinced she's attracted to women too.
Yes, anon! It’s really interesting to delve into Blanche’s psyche about all this stuff!
I started writing down my thoughts and ended up with a long ramble -- allow me to place it all under a cut, so I don't clog up anyone's dash, haha.
Personally, I think she has some strong mental blocks when it comes to her sexuality because of the way she was brought up. I mean, she grew up in Atlanta approx in the 1930s/1940s — I’m sure I don’t have to detail the kind of casual bigotry she must have seen around her during her formative years! Just look at the story she recounts in S1E13 A Little Romance:
“Now, you have to understand that in those days in the South a lot of things were still taboo. Certain people were not to mix. So Benjamin and I had to meet in secret. Oh, we knew if any of the bigots in town found out about us, there’d be a terrible scandal.”
And all of this because Benjamin was a yankee… can you imagine what ‘the bigots in town’ thought about homosexuality? Yeah, I’m pretty sure Blanche learned to suppress that part of herself very early on. We know she turns to denial when she’s faced with uncomfortable truths and emotions she can’t deal with, so I think she likely just refuses to acknowledge that part of herself most of the time, and it only comes out (pun intended!) when she’s not paying much attention to things, or when there’s something more important going on. See the two examples you point out: when she tries to kiss Rose she’s concerned with not being kissed at midnight, and when she propositions Dorothy she’s, well… she’s desperate to get some, if we can be frank.
When she’s in a more rational state, her reactions tend to be more measured… but not by much. She does advise Rose not to date women (S3E10 The Audit):
“Oh, no, honey, don’t do that! No job is worth having to date women!”
But she’s also really flattered at receiving lots and lots of phone calls from women, after her appearance as a ‘lesbian’ on TV (S7E15 Goodbye, Mr Gordon):
“By the way, Dorothy, if I were a lesbian, I sure would be a popular one. Look at this, 20 calls.”
And of course we can’t forget her reaction to finding out that Jean has a crush on Rose in S2E5 Isn’t It Romantic?:
“Jean has the hots for Rose? I don’t believe it, I do not believe it! […] To think Jean would prefer Rose over me? That’s ridiculous! […] Now you tell me the truth: if you had to pick between Rose and me, who would you pick? Who?”
All of these are (likely) intended to be jokes about her vanity and her libertine nature (in the same way as Rose’s observations are), but considering a lot of the writers of this show were queer themselves, it wouldn’t seem strange to me if they were intentionally peppered in to suggest that Blanche might be a bisexual in denial. It certainly fits her character!
I haven’t spoken about her reaction to Clayton’s coming out yet, but that’s immensely interesting too, of course. I think Blanche has the same attitude towards homosexuality that I see in a lot of (mostly older) people in my Country nowadays: it’s fine as a general concept, but when it comes to her family (or, God forbid, herself) then the problems come out. See for example what she says about Jean:
“Well, I’ll never understand what Jean doesn’t see in the opposite sex, but if that makes her happy, that’s fine by me!”
Which isn’t a homophobic attitude at all! If anything, if you take her upbringing into account, it’s pretty accepting. But then, when Clayton comes out to her (S4E9 Scared Straight) and tells her he wants to get married (S6E14 Sister Of The Bride), this is what she says:
“Oh, Clayton, please be serious. You're just saying that so I won't set you up with any more women. […] Well, then you're saying it 'cause you're trying to get back at me for something. Clay, I know you too well for this. After all, I know it can't be true. You're my brother. […] Clayton Hollingsworth. You look me in the face and tell me you really are… what you just said you are.”
“I'm having a little trouble putting this all together. Clayton, I just feel like I don't know you anymore.”
“[…] Dorothy, that's different. We're talking about going out in public. Oh, what are people gonna say?”
“Will you tell me why you want to put yourself and Doug through this? You know how people can be.”
“Oh, look, I can accept the fact that he's gay, but why does he have to slip a ring on this guy's finger so the whole world will know?”
Quite the difference from her attitude towards Jean, wouldn’t you say? I think there’s three elements at play here.
1) When Clayton comes out to Blanche, she feels disoriented because this is life-changing information Clayton has never shared with her before. While her reaction as a whole isn’t ideal, personally I think it’s understandable. Clayton is her baby brother; she’s known him as straight all his life, he’s been married to a woman for years before his divorce, and she recounts an episode from their adolescence when he was on a date with a woman and very clearly implicated having a physical encounter with her. He's done everything in his power to pass as straight until this point in time -- I don't find it strange that Blanche would be shocked at his coming out, especially given her upbringing (and the fact that this is set in the 80s! We can't expect modern sensibilities from the characters!). Once again, her reaction isn't the best (she can't even bring herself to say the word 'gay' at first...), but the shock per se isn't that surprising, imho.
2) Blanche is scared because of societal implications above all. She doesn't necessarily see being queer as something wrong, but she's been taught it's not socially acceptable and acts accordingly. Notice how she's worried about what people are going to say, and she struggles to accept that Clayton wants the whole world to know about his relationship with Doug.
Societal expectations in general are a big theme for Blanche's character, and often drive her development; another big example of this is her attitude towards Rebecca's decision to get artificially inseminated, but it's a bit of a baseline issue for her, I feel. She has this whole thing about her beauty and her (supposed) youth and her attractiveness that has some inherent elements, but it's mostly an issue of how other people perceive her, I think, and her response to her brother's coming out is easy to relate to this theme. I mean, she even says it to Rose in S7E15:
"Well, I don't mind being labeled a lesbian, honey, but since I'm not, you just ruined my social life."
So yeah. I think it's safe to say her main concern is societal disapproval of queerness: she wants to be accepted and celebrated by the people around her, and she thinks that being openly queer will destroy her place in her social circle (and she's worried about the same happening to Clayton too, of course).
3) This is sort of related to point 2, but it felt distinct enough to treat it separately. I think she might have reacted so badly to Clayton's coming out (and especially to his showing up with a partner) because he's open about his sexuality, and she's not ready to face what that means for her. My lovely mutual @\hecatesbroom recently published her latest amazing work the odd one(s) out, on the relationship between Dorothy and her brother Phil and how Phil's open queerness might have impacted Dorothy; I think a similar situation might have occurred between Blanche and Clayton after his coming out.
Blanche has a sort of advantage on Dorothy because of her bisexuality, in the sense that she has 'passing privilege' (I really dislike this concept, but allow me to use it to make a point): it's painfully clear that she loved her late husband with all her heart, and she's obviously attracted to men as well, so she can pretend not to like women without too much of a hassle (whereas, if you believe Dorothy to be a repressed lesbian, her situation is much more complicated).
The issue with this is that this 'advantage' is a double-edged sword: she might have the comfort of being socially acceptable, but she's had to suffocate a big part of herself to obtain that comfort. And so, what happens when Clayton -- her baby brother Clayton, the one who's always been just like her, who's grown up with her same environment and influences -- begins openly living as a gay man? I'm sure the situation must have had a strong impact on her, even if just on a subconscious level; I've always found it curious that she seems to have a harder time accepting Clayton in S6E14 than she does in S4E9 (she even calls his sexuality a phase), and while a part of it may be attributed to the higher social exposure Clayton's commitment to Doug brings, I think this may be a result of her inner conflict, provoked by watching her brother live openly while she's been suppressing a part of herself all her life.
Here I'm assuming she's never acted upon her attraction to women before, but there's some space to believe she has done so and has decided it's too much of a hassle, as you say -- likely because she'd for sure do it in secret, given her fear of societal condemnation. If she has been with women before, and decided to give up on it, I still think she'd be greatly impacted by Clayton's coming out: it means her baby brother is a) braver than she is, and b) going to openly face (and likely suffer because of) the same social issues she's run away from. In this lens, I find it interesting that she cautions him about how people can be, almost as if they've both experienced it.
Whew. Wow, this was a lot more than I'd originally meant to write, haha! Seems you sparked a big train of thought, anon! I think all of the Girls (with the possible exception of Sophia) are really fascinating to analyze with a queer lens, and Blanche is always interesting to me, of course. As a final note, I'd like to point out that she does come around to Clayton's sexuality and his relationship, in the end: as often happens, she just needs the Girls' help to put things back in perspective, understand she's hurting someone she loves, and correct her actions. I'd like to think living with the Girls might lead to her becoming more accepting of herself, too.
#this was so much fun!! you helped me pass the time on about two and a half hours of train rides anon :)#this is... Long lmao. but are we surprised? i always end up talking at length#and this subject is Very interesting to me for obvious reasons so...#there's a lot more that could be said i think. all her homoerotic moments with the girls?#dancing with rose? playing pretend with dorothy?#and all the times sophia jokes about them? 'you couldn't stay in the closet for one more day'?#all fascinating stuff no matter how you look at it#i really think her homophobia stems from societal expectations honestly. she *never* expresses the opinion that being gay is wrong per se#she doesn't think it's unnatural or against god or anything like that. the worst thing she says is that 'phase' comment imho#she thinks it's *socially unacceptable*. which is a whole different thing#and considering blanche's whole thing with being accepted by society i feel like a queer in denial storyline really fits her character#like. think of even just this:#blanche devereaux. known for being libertine and unashamed of her sexuality (to the point of being labelled 'a slut').#often described as 'selfish' and 'self-centered'. focused on satisfying her desires and wishes at all times#this woman? having to deny a part of said desires for her entire life? the contrast is DELICIOUS to me#this big fear of societal disapproval was the angle i went with for my blanche/rose fic! it was set at the end of s2#so this was really all i could explore. but it would have been fun to throw clayton into the mix#i really think seeing him be so open about himself had a profound effect on her#oh look at me rambling in the tags too haha. excellent observations anon! thank you for sending this ask!#if you have any more thoughts i'd love to read them!!#oh and also -- when does blanche say she thinks dorothy's attracted to women?#i don't remember it and i'm *very* curious about it#the golden girls#blanche devereaux#golden wives#ask
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casey also talks about sepang 2015 what do you think of that
oh in that podcast? uh... lemme listen again...
yeah idk it's not really anything new I'd say? he's said basically all the same stuff in more interesting and extensive ways elsewhere. I think casey inevitably has a very 'well feuding is bad and helps nobody' point of view, has expressed that before in the past, does it here again, and he's also drawn a parallel between himself and marc on several occasions. which... well, of course there's similarities in terms of public discourse or whatever, but the parallel really falls apart whenever casey argues the feuds cost valentino. like, I do think it's sometimes important to just. keep in mind. it's interesting that casey draws this comparison in his mind but that doesn't necessarily means he's right about this. I'm not sure how you'd argue that starting a feud with casey cost valentino anything competitively? you can argue it didn't help him I guess, and then we can have a debate about the ins and outs of the 2008 season. we can also have an argument that in a hypothetical world where casey isn't ill in 2009, valentino doesn't break his leg and casey isn't on a piece of junk in 2010, and valentino isn't on a piece of junk in 2011-12, then actually maybe valentino sparking open animosity with casey COULD have cost him. but we don't know that! didn't happen! I wish we could have found out, but we never got the chance! as it stands, the tally on this is pretty straightforward: casey won the title when things were reasonably civil between them in 2007, and valentino took control of the following season at the exact moment he worsened the relationship between the pair of them in 2008. obviously, it's all more complicated than that and casey would of course argue laguna didn't negatively affect his subsequent performances... but it certainly didn't help them. like, at the very worst valentino escalating tensions in 2008 is a complete net neutral. after 2009, them being bitchy to each other every other tuesday was completely competitively irrelevant beyond maybe affecting how they approached occasionally fighting for a podium position. hey, maybe casey used that feud to fire himself up through sheer spite throughout the later stages of his career, but that doesn't actually support his anti-feud stance - it's basically the exact same thing as what valentino does. they're both quite similar in that regard! always so hungry to prove a point, to show how someone else is wrong. kinda half the point with this feuding business is to get yourself going, get yourself motivated, yeah. he straight up openly admits to using yamaha's repeat rejection of him as a way of giving himself motivation, and at the end of the day that's really not all that different?
anyway, what else does casey say... oh yeah, that him and the other aliens were already kinda prepared for this and had learned vale's tricks. that valentino had only been able to get into the minds of the previous generation. welllllll *wiggles hand* sure, I mean, he did clearly have to change his approach... he couldn't just use the exact same playbook to get to them, either on-track or off-track. but that's why he did change up the playbook... again, whether you want to believe valentino won his final two titles 'in the head' rather than just through pure pace kinda depends on how you assess the evidence, but it is at the very least a debate. and, y'know, it's always worth remembering that valentino's most important mind games with casey didn't happen in a press conference... it was on the track. and the on-track stuff really is just embedded in how valentino approaches winning. speaking of aliens, this is what dani and jorge have said:
like, valentino's entire approach to his riding, even to the way he's setting his bike up, is deliberately about directly fucking with you... he's not actually always trying to be faster than you as much as he's trying to give himself the tools to make your life miserable, to pressure you into mistakes, etc etc... and again, especially with casey (if anything because he was so mentally sturdy), the off-track stuff was really just window dressing. (I know they bicker a lot after 2009 but it's just so fundamentally irrelevant to actual on-track competition.) so you can be aware of those tricks, but it also doesn't necessarily help you when someone's being nasty to you on-track in a way you just fully do not enjoy. which is what it was like for casey! for casey, a lot of this comes back to the truly unpleasant context of how he was perceived by the public, how he was treated as mentally weak or 'broken' or whatever partly because he had the misfortune of coming up against a bloke who had the reputation for breaking rivals. I think it's quite natural to end up with a bit of a hardliner 'actually I've never been mentally affected by a result in my life' stance - and of course casey is a lot tougher than a lot of people give him credit for. that being said. sometimes your rivals affect you, shit happens, it's part of the game. it's fundamentally a nice idea to think that valentino's tactics weren't just morally wrong but also ineffective, which is kind of the appeal of this narrative, right? you want to believe you're above that, you want to believe you were adequately prepared and wise to valentino's tactic. it's unsurprising and understandable that casey does tend to tell the story that way, but again it's *wiggles hand* also hard to describe it as completely factual
uh. what else. oh I'm thrilled casey does canonically know valentino and marc were friends, he has said he wasn't following motogp too much during that time period so you couldn't be sure of that. does this mean anything? does it tell you anything? well, no, but it's just a pleasing thought to me. I like that. oh also 'provoking particularly aggressive riders isn't a good idea' is kinda a funny take from casey? like, he of all people would hate the idea of being cowed by someone's reputation like that... casey's right that provoking fast riders can potentially be dangerous, but y'know I do think that's probably not news to anyone almost nine years later. um. that's all I've got I think
#i will say idm getting asks like this AT ALL but i do hope that's not like. the only bit of the podcast people are paying attention to#my thing with sepang 2015 takes is that like... when's the last time anyone has said anything genuinely interesting about that event#which yes big words from the feud blogger... but in fairness a lot of the sepang 2015 stuff is from old notes. that's my excuse idc#but that's kinda the thing... i feel like i haven't really had a new original thought about the whole drama for three plus years#u do kinda run out. basically the takes say more about the person saying them than about the actual event at this point#which. yeah. casey's comments on sepang '15 are primarily interesting in what they tell you about how he feels towards valentino#mind u he's actually quite nice about valentino in this one? casey call him let's finally organise that dinner#heretic tag#//#brr brr#batsplat responds#oh casey does go on another spiel against riders who win at all costs. ships that passed in the night of feuds i always say#also he gets the age he enters the premier class at wrong. i held myself back in the last post from pointing this out for tonal reasons#but if people want my podcast hot takes. i do simply have to mention it. just to set the record straight here#'they battle for podium places after 2009' genuinely. twice. like the alien era giveth but a lot of the time it really does just taketh#somewhat ironically casey wins the duel when he's on the shitty ducati and vale wins the duel when he's on the even shittier ducati#whatever that tells you idk#casey was always promising the laguna rematch would've gone differently and I love that conceptually but also we just don't know#he was like next time I WON'T play nice and it's like?? omg what does that look like. casey what were you cooking#for ethical reasons it's probably fine but for character arc reasons it's objectively ass that casey ended up being able to do all his -#- racing in a way he was entirely comfortable with for his second title in 2011. like it's just a complete waste of a year#you have this whole thing building for four years and then 2010 comes along and it's like. well that's enough narrative intrigue now! <3#also casey/jorge are fundamentally too interesting as individuals to have had such an obscenely boring on-track rivalry and yet here we are#it KILLS me because if you rearranged it and made valentino's dogshit ducati years like. 2009 or something#and do a straight title fight between jorge and casey THEN I genuinely think it would've been way more interesting#the problem with valentino is that he is fundamentally the WORST imaginable character you could invent to be casey's foil#literally everything about valentino could have been designed to be a casey-specific nightmare#but unfortunately that also makes him objectively the most interesting rival casey could have gotten#like morally it's on the edge. but narratively? literally could not have gotten a better villain in casey's story#constantly dancing on this faustian line of having to imitate valentino to beat him while trying not to lose yourself... juicy
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Bit of a complaint...
But where's the furniture for Lovestruck?!
It's a whole gosh darn ep, where's the rest of the furniture? Where are the bookshelves, the dressers, the chest of drawers and wardrobes (come on, it's about lurve, give us at least a full bedroom set). Can't we have some love themed clutter? Where's the gnome dressed like cupid? (can't say I'm a fan of the gnomes, but I feel like we've had one with most of the ep's)
Where's the living room stuff? Sure, we have some cute chairs and outside benches, but where are the sofa's? And heartshaped cushions? (think sims 2 ikea)
Can we have a kitchen to go with the gorgeous backsplashes? Talking of backsplashes, where are the plains to go with the patterns?
Where are the other wall height objects?
And if you insist on giving us gym equipment, where is the matching punching bag? If you're giving us gym stuff, give us a gym bag as clutter.
I am so so disappointed with lovestruck. I feel like it adds SO little! Horse Ranch was fun in terms of gameplay, but the build mode was fantastic. For Rent was a let down in terms of gameplay, but the build mode was great.
Lovestruck build mode is just a random assortment of re-meshed items. The folding chair already came with city living. The modest dining chair is pretty much the same as the chair that came with the luxe kit.
I'm not mad.
Just disappointed.
#fuck it#i am mad too#lovestruck sucks#i said what i said#it's a disappointment of a pack#sims 4#ts4#i just love the sims#i keep wanting them to succeed#i wasn't expecting much from this pack just because i wasn't fussed about the weird dancing or new dates#i expected nothing and i was still disappointed#we could have had tandem bikes#group dates#if you wanted to give us gym bro's then give us more fucking gym stuff
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Since it's not going in my article due to space constraints, i'll share a bit about Jane Manning James here. It won't be superfleshed out atm bc it got cut. I plan to do more later. As I am *Reorganized*, writing this for a Community of Christ publication, i researched Ld-S shared history to the point of Nauvoo. my article doesn't follow west (technically). the main resource was an LDS one (thank you v much for your freely available archive) asking about her time with the prophet of the Restoration.
Jane Manning James
A significant Black Latter Day Saint from the early church was Jane Manning James. A woman from Connecticut notably made the walk from Buffalo, New York to Nauvoo, Illinois on foot, with most of her family. This was only after being separated from the group of recently converted latter day saints in Buffalo, possibly due to their race. Jane was baptized in 1842 by missionaries in her home state of Connecticut. She recorded these things about her journey and arrival to Nauvoo and her faith when asked to recall her life living with Joseph Smith in 1905.
“When I went there [Nauvoo] I only had two things on me, no shoes nor stockings, wore them all out on the road… They [Joseph and Emma] was looking for us because I wrote them a letter. There was eight of us, my mother and two sisters and a brother and sister-in-law, and we had two children, one they had to carry all the way there, and we traveled a thousand miles.”
She was sure in her belief of the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ and Modern Prophecy. She says in her recollection, after seeing that Joseph Smith Jr was indeed the man in her vision in Connecticut, that “This is the Gospel of Jesus Christ and there will never be any other on earth. It has come to stay.” Sister James would later go west with the saints under the leadership of then Apostle Brigham Young.
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me tumblr posting again:
thank you for the example set Sister James on faith, dedication, and perseverance. She also had spiritual gifts, such as speaking in tongue and faith healing. She believed following the gospel, knowing it was a key to a better way of living life (for her.) it wasn't easy for her, and yet, i think the faith community i observe today (and mormonism in general) is better, just for her having lived it.
may she be at peace, and in a manner God, Sister Jane herself, and her family she led that meant so very much to her, see fit.
#the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints#latter day saint#afrostake#tumblrstake#mormon#mormon history#mormonism#religion#they dont mention anything about sealing bc we don't have it#most reorg saints don't know it exists nor that it was ever practiced#its simply assumed that will be the case. that your family will be there (and that there will be work to be done)#so i say it is unlikely that Sis Jane is actually eternally sealed to the Smiths as a servant bc God is no respecter of persons#who even said that Joseph is in the CK. he could be in the Telestial Kingdom rn as we speak. depending on how time / resurrection day works#Jane may be in the CK maybe having a sisterly relationship with Emma if that's how the afterlife works#i also don't believe the kingdoms are permanent. as a side note. if Joseph Jr ain't there i think he can be in God's time.#and josephites (reorganized saints) don't have a way to report card which kingdom they'll go too#and nobody talks about it bc its the afterlife and community of christ doesnt focus (or sometimes doesn't even care) about the afterlife#i've heard it talked about in depths twice and in general maybe 4-5 times. know a brother i meet with weekly who is newly widowerd#no one seems to think the work is over and that we well still be working and progressing in our faith helping others progress after death#that one is cultural - may come from common unwritten- early lds belief since L-dSaints have a new direction and more developed idea of thi#but for the sake of all sakes#can they not reseal her?#certainly a prophet could - listening to Gods call of liberation - see the symbolism and cultural moment that could be#or does post mortem sealing go off the rails? i don't go here. its often sweet and i think harmful in some ways too. JS Jr would Just Do It#but alas - i dont think emma should be involved with any of that. she wouldn’t want to do anymore sealing#i just think if you can do a baptism after death why not a sealing. but doing one would perhaps open a floodgate?#but perhaps its time for those many church generation Black families to be able to have that with they're bygone relatives#once i gave a mourning period & lively death procession & lively dance celebration on the alantic coast to#to honor all my ancestors/ predecessors who were killed and thrown into the sea or would rather die than be enslaved and jumped#danced in the same ocean they died in and dumped (state park approved) flowers into the sea
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My birthday was full of unexpected interactions
#i had a lot of weird but heartfelt conversations with strangers#shared my vape with 2 different people#bought weed from a guy who had such a fun vibe#and older man told me to live my life#another remembered seeing me earlier in the day and asked how i was and if i was happy and to do what makes me happy#a girl i shared my vape with was trying to flirt with me but was also drunk and asked me to dance just before her uber arrived#i shared my vape with the older man too#multiple people chatted with me in the smoking area at the casino#people also said some really insightful and thought provoking things to me#as much as today was all over the place...#i has been a good birthday overall and i have enjoyed the little things#i cherish all the meaningful interactions i had today and enjoyed the small things i did for myself#i can't believe i'm in my mid 30s now#which is old af to most of the people on tumblr lol#anyway i'm gonna miss new mexico for another year but i miss my new life now and you know what?#i am happy i am living my life i am blessed with enough#what more could i ask for really?#kfi txt
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Devastated that I can’t reblog that post about Gen having mother issues (which I agree with wholeheartedly) because it is written in a way that implies that he’s into Irene because he sees something mother-ish in her (cringe)
#esp when i love how he is changed – by circumstance and by will – in order to force them into mutually acknowledged peer-hood…#ofc. these mother issues influence his affects. but not in the sense that he’s looking for a Mother#there is something inherited and oedipal* (*actual meaning not tumblr meaning) in how either Gen or Irene do affection and vulnerability —#but if what QoA Gen wanted was someone who would dance on the roof with him and indulge his pranks and affect sternness to hide fondness—#he would have stayed in eddis with helen#irene tries to treat the real gen like a boy & it lasts less than an a day — she most always treats him like a man even when he’s like 15?#and she maims him ( << said in the voice of a person who loves coming of age stories)#Like I THINK. this could be discussed with some nuance. but the idea that gen sees something mother-ish in irene… just because she’s older?#Get a grip… i saw another child dancing between the rows of cabbages and i had never seen anything as beautiful or sad#it’s such a desire to be known – to be owned and to own too... sure...#but especially to known and be known#thinking about my other beloved ship túrin/nienor where i DO think their longing for their mother is a#(subliminal yet/and essential) element in their attraction to each other#inane post#queen's thief
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i posted that stupid shit on my instagram i might just kill myself fr
now im afraid i wont sleep for another 24 hours damn 😭😭
#took me like 50 hours but we did it 🔫😼#i might still delete jt#the anxiety is no joke#like no joke#ahahs7bsudbdus#im so tired man#so like fuck me.but i cant justify killing myseld before trying. after that i can. somehow. Im tired and i want nothing more than that but#maybe i just want to stop the pain. nevertheless#i hope someone anyone who sees. that even if im being too open or too vulnerable online i hope it inspires someone a little bit to do the#same. i hope the reactions wont be too harsh. just dont ask me abt it irl cuz ill cry.#fuck mental illness and traumas man. acchan i hope it wasnt so suffocating for u. at least hopefully the people who loved u could make it#better.#tbh now my anxiety ia better cuz nobody is awake xddd#whatever its not that serious. only for me ig#sorry ppl the mental illness really said emphasis on the illness these past 2 days. i didnt think id live it so badly but here we are. well#i hope with this i managed to get something heavy off my chest. i hope i can continue for just a little longer#to see if it's worth it. i dont even wanna think abt tge fact imma have prom on sunday. why is that im always most suicidal when i have to#graduate? i skipped elementary graduation cuz of it. im not skipping this one but im not participating in the dance cuz i knew id somehow b#at a bad place and i wouldnt have a partner also. hmm whatever. i should sleep now maybe. i feel good now a bit. really have to sigh get my#shit together now.#not sunday friday the 50 hours no sleep getting to me
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reading varian's tangled trials ever so slowly but its pretty great. the masquerade was very enjoyable (i am a sucker for masquerades god bless) but i MUST say this now. i am a believer in hugo not knowing a god damn thing when it comes to dancing nor do i think he'd be able to be forward with it. varian however was probably forced into dancing many times at corona lol. and he's a dork sooo he'd probably be able to do it. do you see. do you understand
#hugo aka ''im confident in everything except romance/any form of affection'' (this is where i'd put a last name)#like even dancing. he could probably learn quick. but that would require him to willingly learn#and why on Earth would he do that. dancing is for people who care too much about sentimental nonsense. hugo doesnt do that#spoilers he learns to do that and enjoy said sentimental nonsense (dont tell anyone)#just have FUN hugo. enjoy LIFE. learn to be HAPPY. varian isnt giving u a choice on that. lol#oh my god i started rambling. where am i#posting#vat7k
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I really shouldn't feel so affected, and yet.
#I have nothing but questions.#Did it start out with a lie?#Did it become one?#Why not just say something right then? Why not spare us both the song and dance? If not for me#why not you?#What was the benefit to this? What did you get out of it?#we agreed handling it exactly so was bad right at the start. was that a lie too?#I suppose I'm glad to know I wasn't even worth a single word.#If I could care so little.#Shame on me I guess. God forbid I believe in caring about other people. In that we can grow and improve.#Maybe it's best I kept my distance this time.#I've said before that people must be tired of being scared of their friends. Practice what you preach and all that.#The 'how' leaves much to be desired but I can't say I disagree with the end result.#Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.#Whatever. I'm a big boy. I'll get over it.#the ventilatorrrr#phlyaros' nonsense
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'to thine own self be true (and thou canst not then be false to any man)' Polonius tells his son Laertes in Act 1 - and it's so trite a saying that we quote it on everything from greeting cards to jewelry and almost laugh to stumble upon it in its original context
and then Laertes goes and spends the rest of the play - and let's face it, what little of it came before that as well - playing the foil to its tragic hero until it kills them both in Act 5 (and through the means of his own deception too)
#i am soooo normal about laertes (i'm lying)#one day i'll write a book about how normal i am about him but for now have this textpost#anyways nobody asked but i think that's probably the shakespeare quote i have the biggest love/hate relationship with#because we talk about it so much but hardly ever actually talk about IT#and even when we do it's mainly to be like 'oh polonius you with your empty maxims you!' (& we do need to remember that part too)#but it's also:#'oh polonius you are in conjunction with that & in more ways than one the very thing that dooms your son and therefore all of them'#it's the quintessential hashtag-its-not-that-deep quote#while at the same time being bitterly ironic and rarely do you get to discuss how both of those things can be true at once#so i Love it but i also Hate that i could undoubtedly find it on a t-shirt without much effort yk?#(and before anyone points out that there are multiple shakespeare quotes for which the same can be said re: the whole#itssodeep-noitsnot-actuallymaybeitisforadifferentreasontho dance#trust me i know but i refer you back to the first tag & how extremely normal i am about the character of laertes in general)
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gods, why didn't i get a college degree in anything useful?
#i've known since the day it unceremoniously came in the mail that my degree is worth less than the paper it's printed on#yeah i needed to college experience for social and lersonal growth#but why couldn't i have gotten something out of it that can help me find a damn job?#what was the fucking point of going through all that?#(the social and personal growth obviously)#ahgggggg#i'm too broke and disabled to go back to school NOW#(the way i'm coping with the anxiety of waiting to hear back about the internal job i just interviewed for#is to have Officially Decided That I'll Be Rejected Out Of Hand. So What Do I Do Next?#it hurts but at least i can move forward if the worst come to pass#and it gives me something to do while i'm Waiting#ughhhhh#why couldn't i have sold my damn soul and gotten the shitty computer science degree my school had??#i remember visiting a house a friend was pet-sitting for and seeing the couple's gaming setup#and just seeing dollar signs. they both worked in computer science and made $$$#but at the time it sounded like the worst thing in the world#and i'd already changed my major once... loved what i was studying... and had my dad breathing down my neck about how much my education cost#i'm so lucky i don't have debt. thanks to my grampa. but holy hell did my dad lord that inheritance over me and make me dance for it#i don't think he ever got over grampa pulling *his* college funding bc he spent college fucking around and dropped out#couldn't wrap his head around that the narrow thing he'd trained me to be would never follow in his 'rebelious' footsteps#i beat myself up over A-'s there was no way i'd do anything other than take my grades seriously#but that was the problem. i was worried about grades and what sounded bearable to learn. not what was realistic to do with it#i wanted to get a fucking phd! with what fucking money!!!!#of course not that i had the support or the maturity to understand what it meant to choose an education that could grant me a career#but who can i blame if not myself?#dad always said i had to Go To College. there was no choice in not going. but as soon as college came he shoved me out the door#and slammed shut. how was i supposed to know what to do without him there to make me do things all of a sudden?#that took nearly a decade to learn dammit#personal
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#ehhh i’ll probably regret using tumblr like a diary later#but sometimes i want to share a little story from my little life#went to a röyksopp concert in Amsterdam last night#and my two friends and me ended up in the middle of what was very obviously#a polycule and/or a group of queer friends#consisting of 7 dilfs and one (1) woman (squad goals tbh)#and seeing them dance and have a good time with each other was so lovely#like good for u gents we love to see older queer people thriving#also one of them was extremely attractive to me (RIP) and i really tried my best not to stare at him#because being a creep isn’t cool#but in my defence he looked like a tall and muscular izzy hands#complete with grey beard and slicked back grey hair and earring and tattooed arms#and like one hour into the show my friend leaned in and said#did you notice that man kind of looks like izzy#and i was like yes darling i have actually been wildly aware of this fact for the past hour or so#and the show was SO good and röyksopp themselves were clearly having a blast too#bc they went “oh im sure we could do one more? would you like one more? shall we just keep this going?”#they ended up playing for THREE hours#my knees are wrecked from dancing ahahah#do you know that feeling that you get sometimes when you’re totally in the moment#and everything is actually perfect#and you are also able to appreciate the fact that this is a moment of perfect happiness#they usually only last about 30 seconds maybe but they’re so good?!!#just felt so lucky to be sharing a beautiful night with the beautiful people of this world <3
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