#like i was referencing pics and it was just not working in my brain except for the one

[skitskatdacat63]

Some matador studies :)

+ ref pic I like but couldn't even attempt to draw 😭

[dragonmarquise]

Rise & Devil Theory theories

ONCE MORE the BRC brain rot takes hold on this fine Thursday evening. This time thinking about the connection between Rise and Devil Theory!!

Why would there be a connection between her and them? Think about it: Devil Theory are known in-game for being aggressive assholes, even turning on their fellow writers by snitching on them to the cops. Not to mention the whole “were apparently working with/for Faux behind everyone’s backs” thing.

So then how the hell would Rise be able to apparently have free reign of Pyramid Island, Devil Theory’s own home turf, when DT themselves have been shown to be jerks to other writers? Especially other writers trying to move in on their turf, as seen in the game when the player starts going after them!

She was even blocking off most of the island until BRC got more REP. Ultimately trying to stop them like that would moreso benefit Devil Theory than Rise herself in the grand scheme of things.

AND SO, I present to you, a list of theories about the possible connections between Rise and Devil Theory, about how/why DT would make an exception for Rise! This is gonna be long, sorry, though at least it's not nearly as long as the two headcanon posts I did for Devil Theory and DOT EXE.

Also lot of fan fic material here, just saying, hee hee...

I have this in my headcanon tag just for ease of referencing it again later, but I’ll note which one of these is my own personal headcanon too. :>

Getting this out of the way, the possibility that Rise has no connection to Devil Theory at all. I still think they wouldn’t take too kindly to another writer moving around freely on their turf, even if she didn’t do any graffiti. So then in this case, maybe she somehow sneaks around and never gets noticed by them most of the time. But then that makes the gate guarding risky from her point of view. Though it’s also a bit funny with how she’s just out in the open after that, in a spot where one of the Devil Theory guys can challenge you anyways, so surely he would’ve seen her then, lol

Rise seems to make a big deal about social media, given she has you take pics of her for her missions. I imagine she’s likely a very big name online, so then maybe at least some of the Devil Theory members are fans of hers! They have an agreement, Rise can hang out on the island for “exclusive photos” and stuff, as long as she doesn’t do any graffiti herself. Of course, nothing about her getting other people to do graffiti for her (at least, in a way), given how she gets BRC to up their Rep before letting them into the rest of the island :P (This one is my personal headcanon btw!!)

The Devil Theory guys all have crushes on her (probably stemming from her social media status maybe??), and basically letting her on the island as a chance to ask her out. Resulting in them competing with each other over it. Rise is actually fully aware of this… and just messes with them, so she can still be on the island without having to commit to anything.

Alternatively, they are her simps and she basically pushes them around, which is how she’s “allowed” on the island, she outright bullied them for it. Maybe they’re into that too, don’t judge them for it, lmao

Maybe the most potential for drama? Kinda? But one of the Devil Theory guys could actually be dating her, which explains why she’s being made an exception for being allowed on the island without getting harassed by the others.

An extension to the previous point, it’s a polycule! All the Devil Theory guys are actually dating each other and Rise is in on it too.

Just plain friendship is also an option of course! Maybe Rise and the Devi Theory guys go way back, and they just let her on the island as a favor, as long as she stays out of their way in terms of writer stuff.

Another option: Rise kicked all of their asses in a 1 on 4 fight, so they let her on the island out of respect to her. Probably-maybe the coolest option, tbh :D

Sort of a small subsection that can be applied to all of these: How does Rise chose to deal with Devil Theory being assholes, especially the whole “snitching to the cops” thing? There’s a few possibilities to consider:

First option: She actually didn’t know it was for real. She knows their reputation and the rumors, but she didn’t think it was actually true. In the game, talking to Tryce just before going to the island, he mentions that it’s a “rumor” that they snitch to the cops. So that only gets proven once you try to go after them yourself. Then in this case she breaks off from (or breaks up with) them, after learning the truth. Big potential for dramatic fic writing here! And character development in the aftermath at least on Devil Theory’s side of things, but maybe that’s just my own preference...

Second option: She definitely knew the truth, but turned a blind eye because it at least wasn’t affecting her directly. “Not my monkeys, not my circus” as they say. Not to mention, she probably had it in the back of her mind that her trying to say anything or convincing them to quit it could risk them snitching on her to the cops. In this case I imagine there’s at least some guilt on Rise’s part for not doing something sooner herself.

Third option, and I think the most exciting for both dramatic fic writing and potential character development on both sides: She absolutely knew what was going on the whole time, and even had them call the cops to help her out more than once!! If the truth ever got out on that, you can imagine her social media status would take a BIG hit… but again, excellent potential for character development for both Rise and Devil Theory in this situation, both of them learning to be better from this, at least imo ;u;

I think that’s all I got on this topic! What do you think? Any particular idea you personally like? Or do you have another situation that I haven’t listed here that would be fun to think about? Reply or reblog this with your thoughts and opinions!

No, seriously, please interact with this post, I don’t want to be alone in the Rise + Devil Theory brainrot, ahhh ;o;

[normiematsu]

READING TAGS AND SCREAMING!!!!!!! HUHHHH THANKS........ BUT MY AGGIE SECRET SAUCE.... is....................

idk i didnt think it was secret sauce but here's my brain's setup when im working there. for linework it's just the pixel pen at 1 px size and then im just slapping down my lines quickly and by believing in my line confidence putting that arm to WERKKK. when im doing lineart my goal is always to express everything i need with as few intentional strokes as possible

colors im just eyeballing if i'm being real even if im referencing another photo, no eyedropper tool to start with. if things look good together it works for me. vibes first and understanding of color theory second. except for this thing i learned in college and never stopped thinking about, i think this technique is genuine secret sauce. this pic is from andrew loomis' book creative illustration but in general u can find more examples similar to this by looking up subsurface scattering

i use the basic round brush @ different softness levels for coloring everything bc i am too boomer brained to figure out where that one fun textured brush is that a couple of u guys use. posing isn't aggie specific i do this everywhere but keeping it loosey goosey and gestural 24/7 bc im not anatomy's bitch when it comes to drawing cartoons online. thinking abt my little barbie dolls having so much energy in their line of action it's like they drank a case of red bull before i started. do u guys want to call next time or smth for realtime "words" of "wisdom" its hard to explain over text☝️🤓

[bluewinnerangel]

The big Kiwi talk

IT’S HERE. AND IT’S HUGE.

Dear many anons, I’ve kept you waiting there way too long my love. Also thank you @larrysballetslippers​​ in particular for bullying me into releasing this thing hahahah. I’m SORRY. This has been sitting in my drafts unfinished for so so so so SO long because I wanted to do it right and I still don’t know if I did but enough is enough. This is a big big long big post about the song Kiwi. Lyric breakdown, time of writing, many possible meanings, song parallels, music video, you name it. I know Kiwi has been analysed a lot a lot and this is not an alternate reading to anything, this is putting many possible interpretations together at once. Really I’m gonna bring a whole lot into this. Maybe read it in a couple of sittings. It’s a lot to digest. Let's go! Kiwi Kiwi Kiwi wooo

Under the cut (I warned you it’s long):

~Disclaimers, feel free to skip~

All this should be obvious but with other analyses where I didn’t state these things I got a couple of responses that show I should have so blabla incoming: 

Not trying to convince you of anything, don’t take things too literal, things can have multiple meanings, there are nuances to things even though I might fail to bring it in a nuanced matter sometimes. I’m nowhere trying to claim these interpretations are what he meant when he wrote this because how would I know (and people claiming other things don’t know either). Just decide for each thing if it makes sense to you, stay skeptical, crunch that brain and welp with this analysis you kinda have no choice this time because I’m giving a ton of different interpretations and they definitely don’t all fit together. 

All that said this is coming from someone who is convinced Harry & Louis are together and the lyrics at the very very least are incorporating babygate so just get ready to have that in here loads. It’s also written with the assumption whoever reads this knows all about that. If not have this. 

Song parallels disclaimer: with pointing out song parallels I’m not implying whichever song was written later is referencing the other one. I’m simply pointing out there parallels can be drawn and you can interpret it whichever way you like. Especially those between Harry’s and Louis’ lyrics it’s dare I say a realistic conclusion to draw that they are and will continue to have loads and loads of parallels in their work not because they’re doing it on purpose to relate to each other but because they’re going through the same stages together, hardships, and being exposed to the same shit over and over again, oh I don’t know maybe because they’re sharing a life. Although I do think some of the times they do purposefully leave lil nods to other songs because they are somehow related to the song they’re writing, and that sometimes those are each other’s songs, just know that when I point out a parallel that’s not because I’m thinking Louis’ music is based on Harry’s and vice versa or something. Ok got that out of the way.

Now really let’s go places:

Things known about the writing process

It was one of the first songs he worked on after 1D. We got footage of him singing it with long hair (gif above, credits here), so it was before may 2016, and this pic of I’m assuming the same moment:

He's said this about Kiwi:

"It started out as a joke, now it's one of my favorite songs. It's one of the first ones I wrote for the album, when I was getting out a lot of energy. I hadn't written in a long time and this is what came out of it." - here

There really isn't any other option to explain this song except for resorting to “haha jk lol” now is there?

“Getting out a lot of energy” I have trouble interpreting more than one way. I almost want to state it as a fact that it was him getting out a lot of frustration. Almost as if there was sOmEtHiNg really fueling this thing. I think the stuff he chose to get out there first as he went solo is very telling, with Kiwi being the 2nd released music video after Sign of the Times. He came out of 1D, went on a 6 minute strugglerant about being sad and stuck (in the industry/closet/his image) in a defeatist (but not entirely devoid of hope) kinda way and then followed it up with another 3 minute rant about losing it, shit happening around him driving him crazy, this is frustrating the fuck out of me I'm just gonna release that energy by yelling about the thing that frustrates me the most among all this bullshit over and over again let's go SHE'S HAVING HIS BABY AND IT'S OUT OF OUR HANDS yes this is how I cope. I don’t know if this needs to be said really but I do think it’s about that, about babygate. (also there’s this idea it’s written by louis and I think that doesn’t make much sense) It’s really in your face, it’s so obvious it somehow becomes hard to believe he really did that but I do think he really did. That said, it could be that it’s not just about that, that it’s about all stunts, stunts in general, or even the whole (media/industry) circus, and that it includes details of both of the messes he as well as the people he cares about were/are involved in with the main one, the most frustrating one, being babygate. Still there are bbg-free alternate interpretations that I’ll get to as well.

Kiwi lyric breakdown:

She worked her way through a cheap pack of cigarettes

One line in and the scene has already been set: there’s a girl and she got no class.

There’s a lot of play on words in Harry’s songwriting and this song is no exception. So I already want to highlight the choice of the word “cheap” here and how it might be deliberate as later on there’s also a “business”, an “I paid for it/I’m gonna pay for this”, even the “cha-ching!”. He’s leaving a trace of a theme: money 

Parallel: Night out and it's ten grand, headlines that I can't stand - Just Like You

Who is "She"? Let’s list a whole bunch of possible interpretations (and with that, that of the whole song): 

It’s one specific girl the entire time as I’ve seen some not very deep interpretations of it being about ~certain girls he has been associated with~. And I’m not going into this whatsoever because NO

Still on that one girl, and the song is exactly what it looks like: a girl in da club every boy has got his eyes on, maybe not even anyone specific but a nice concept for a song with not much behind it (again, no.)

Still one specific girl the entire time, but yaknow babygate and first girl in line by a mile is definitely Briana, now we’re getting somewhere

an accumulation of girls he or those close to him have encountered that have had alterior motives (like stunts). That some lines include details of one of them and others being inspired by others.

the industry / fame / behavior of those in that world as a whole. The not-so-glamorous side of it that the insider, Harry, is seeing. Something looking great but it being a facade. Rock and roll, living fast, no real glory, hard liquor mixed with a bit of intellect

Harry is She, Harry is always all the She’s (I’m not going into this but really you can kinda make it work)

Hard liquor mixed with a bit of intellect

Yeah so whoever she is, she's just smoking something and drinking something  and she's not very smart either, he’s really not trying to paint her in a good light here.

I'm setting myself up here for another parallel: "Now we're saying goodbye, Waving to the hard times, Smoke something, drink something" in We Made It

And all the boys, they were saying they were into it

This of course is a way of describing this girl’s appearance/behavior is generally considered to be desirable. But! The ambiguity in this line I love so much. You can easily accept this as him insinuating he’s into it like everyone else and he’s one of the boys if you want it to. Orrr iiisssiiittttt?? He’s not saying he’s one of those boys. (Later on there is that “but I’m into it”, I’ll get to it.) All the boys, ya know the boys who like the girls, are saying that's what they're into. I'm not into girls, I have no clue, but look all the boys were saying they were so apparently this is of interest.

Parallels: 

"The boys and the girls are in, I mess around with him/them, And I'm OK with it, I'm coming down, I figured out I kinda like it" - Medicine. I do think this is deliberate, although it doesn’t have to have the same meaning. But they seem to be written around the same time. It could be to weave songs (that were probably intended to be on the same album) together, just for the fun of it, or maybe even to use the same concepts for opposite meanings which I believe he’s done multiple times since (or all of the above, or none, who knows but the mermaid).

"told myself I kind of liked her" - Home. I know this line doesn’t look like much without context, but I think this line is vital to Home and its story, and that Home means a great deal to H, so, possible intentional parallel I’d say yes [please ask me about H vs home parallels] (this will come back)

And then another interpretation can be that “it” isn’t a woman at all, but a situation, a mindset, fame, this kinda lifestyle, *coughs* some “it” that has to end *coughs*, you name it.

Such a pretty face, on a pretty neck

Extension of the previous 2 lines, there's only a little bit of intellect up in that head on that neck there but at least it's something good to look at, or so I've been told.

Also it's really petty. To me this reads as ridiculously passive aggressive (not to mention the tone of this whole song, he's just aggressively screaming all of it), like he’s just focusing on the neck like he just wants to slit that throat.

She's driving me crazy, but I'm into it, but I'm into it

On surface level he's one of the boys that's into this girl right? That's the obvious. That's what the song seems to allude to, the thing you conclude as a casual listener: there's a girl he finds attractive, as does everyone else, she's driving him crazy with it and he's into it. So in part I think some of these lines are written with that concept in mind, in such a way that it supports both that idea and what the song is really about. Here we got a very easy line saying he’s finding her attractive basically, orrrrr iiisss ittttttt

First tho: more parallels on HS1 with this with in Only Angel & Carolina, we got more girls driving him crazy by just being and he's oh so extremely into it. (not including Woman as he doesn't really seem to be much into it there) And I totally interpret these songs in different ways, I’m just saying, casual-listener’s (or aggressive het harrie making everything about girls would count as well I guess) level it’s these themes again and again.

But then there's that second layer, that’s the driving me crazy maybe isn't a positive kind of crazy. And the part where he’s into it could mean many many many things

I’ve also seen yet another interpretation that being into it means that he’s stuck in the situation that’s frustrating the fk out of him, he’s part of it, whatever it is. And then lemme just add Golden: when it ends, don’t wanna let you know. SOTT: they told me that the end is near, he just wants to *** **

Another interpretation could be that he’s just going along with the boys, because they were just now saying they were into it, but then he’s backtracking with adding a kind of:

I'm kind of into it

Oop there it is again, the same parallels as mentioned above but it’s getting worse with 

“[all the boys said they were into her] I’m kind of into it” - Kiwi

"told myself I kind of liked her" - Home 

"The boys and the girls are in, I mess around with them/him, And I'm OK with it, I'm coming down, I figured out I kinda like it" - Medicine 

kind of. In the context of liking girls. Reminds me of them answering interview questions with shit like "I guess you could say that yeah" like.. Yeah KiNdA. But, not really maybe.

But also (I am GOING PLACES WITH THIS JUST STRAP IN HOLD ON TO YOUR GRANDMA)

I think songwriters sometimes are inspired by situations/events that don't really have a positive side to them but they add something positive to the song anyway ("but I like it" or they end on a twist where "but you came back to me" or someshit) otherwise the song isn't... fun... isn't attractive. The same goes for Stockholm Syndrome. So here it could be that this shit's just driving him off a cliff and he's losing it and that's just it, like he’s not into anything he’s just going insane but that won't do for a song, so he adds that he’s into that craziness.

It's getting crazy, I think I'm losing it, I think I'm losing it

when 2 excessive gifs, one painful one and a bear say more than a thousand words

x

Oh, I think she said "I'm having your baby, it's none of your business"

Here of course we need to talk about the main message of the song, the elephant in the room, considering he wrote this song in the same months his enemy and other half of the horrible conspiracy that ruined their friendship had a "baby" that was also a huge target of another horrible disrespectful conspiracy and it really does seem none of his business doesn't it? Sorry but if this song is about anything but that and the having a baby is an analogy of literally anything else, that's one hell of a poor word choice then isn't it? There must have been someone, just at any point any point at all in this whole songwriting process going don't you think this is gonna come off as .. ya know.. that? Don't you think there was someone, anyone, at any point going like, hey, so, you know the only baby born in your near vicinity as far as fans know recently is that kiddo from that dude people think is secretly actually dating you like you're not being the most considerate of that baby and that family there maybe like but idunno it’s your choice. ?????

Aaaanyway, lyrically it's smart again: he goes "oh I think she said" as it's a double-triple-down on the I got nothing to do with it: “I think", like I don't even know, "she said”, so it's a woman saying something to someone, not even necessarily to him, it's like a telephone game indirect uh I guess that's what's going on. And then literally "it's none of your business", the 3rd indicator that the "you" (person “she” is telling she’s having his baby to) as well as the "I" (singer), whether that's the same person or not, got very little to do with the endeavour.

And not just that, but the way he decided to describe it's got nothing to do with him / he's got no say in the matter is interesting too: “it's none of your business”. That's it. It's business, it's a business, it's money. Someone is having someone's baby and it's another person’s business. It's a moneymaker. That's what it's for. Case closed.

Now okay let's just consider alternate explanations, let's just consider he doesn't give a poopy about babygate, this got nothing to do with that, then what is it? (also always consider it can be multiple of these things, really why not both, why not all) "having your baby" could also be a way to describe things being said about him in the media, as it’s just one of those celebrity rumors that fly around. (How many times has Jennifer Aniston been pregnant again?) I tried. And it even makes sense. I can try again: it could also be that “your baby” is the records he makes, and that “the suits” or whatever you wanna call it then take it and turn it into their business, take something he “birthed” to make a profit. And very successfully I might add. Both of these are entirely valid explanations and do make a lot of sense to me but also both of these could have been described in many other ways, yet he chose this. As I said above, if he meant either of these and definitely not bbg, that I’m wrong about everything and whatever narrative was being pushed about Louis’ life at the time (and still) is actually real (but I don’t think it is) then what an orrible orrible word choice this is.

~Drugs mentions coming up~

2nd verse:

It's New York, baby, always jacked up

Holland Tunnel for a nose, it's always backed up

Ok imma bring so many interpretations into this it’s a mess and imma pretend turning it into a list is somehow fixing that here you go:

First and easiest is that it’s just a coincidence and H is just totally awkward random, is that NY’s the place where you go when you want to make it big, where you got aspirations to be somebody, where you go on your chase for fame. I rarely think name-dropping people and places are to be taken literal, especially not in Harry's vague mess so I don't really consider "He was in New York with a girl and that girl told him that she's having his baby" as an option here.

“Jacked up” is just a way to say someone’s full on drugs, so this person or lifestyle is never sober, so yeah themes here are money, drugs, and alcohol, which I think would describe the musician/hollywood lifestyle. There have been and are many many many many musicians out there writing about that life in this way.

Did I say she’s always full of drugs yet? Lemme just emphasize: nose always backed up

He really didn't back down with the the cokesniffing sniff right there in the song either, in case it wasn’t clear what that nose was doing.

He keeps describing this woman who is claiming to be pregnant as taking substances you shouldn’t be taking when pregnant. Possibly helping to describe she actually isn’t.

A person’s chase for fame (NY mention) just consisting of partying, just doing coke basically all the time (always jacked up / nose always backed up).

There's some HS1 song-linking going on here:

Ever Since New York. Same as in ESNY, he drops “New York”, then drops a more specific well-known part of NY (Brooklyn/Holland Tunnel). He only uses NY twice in his songwriting, here and ESNY, which are snuggling on the tracklist. Got a couple of theories here. (disclaimer again, if you think ESNY is about his stepfather and don’t feel like it’s up for debate, that’s fine, stay there and just skip this bit. If you’re open to alternate interpretations read this) So he's going insane in Kiwi and then he hits his lowest low right after in ESNY. I think first of all using the same keywords across songs on an album just helps create a whole, he weaves these songs together. Or it’s worse and the NY in ESNY = the NY in Kiwi, again again that sounds like ridiculous farfetched bs if you think ESNY must be about dealing with bad news about a family member and kiwi is definitely not that and yep here’s that link again but I don’t think it is, I think that in both songs “New York” describes either fame or is a nudge to another stunt.

Carolina - coke. But also screaming about a "she" that drives him crazy :) Harry you're driving me crazy :)

Ok now for the next line

When she's alone, she goes home to a cactus

Imma drag so many things into this just... like take a break, get some water, this is a mess. HAVE FUN. Anyway so. many. interpretations:

This girl when alone goes home to a dry prickly ornament. Like she's got nothing there, really only just a plant and not even one that requires love and attention either.

This is pretty much telling that she's not going home with him / he's not going home with her right? If this song is about some attractive femme fatale that Harry's into and has had interactions with to the point where she could be telling him she's having his baby, then, what's this sentence doing here? Like what's the point of this sentence if it's about that.

Song parallels:

It's kind of the opposite of Home. You'll never feel like you're alone, I make this feel like home.

She’s alone <> Harry’s never to be felt like he’s alone She goes home to a cactus [her home’s empty] <> Harry has someone making whatever *this* is feel like home [his home’s not empty] (and yes that’s a blatant assumption Home is directed at Harry, to me that was already clear and then he just piled on Canyon Moon on top of that so eh)

There's some song-linking mess within HS1 here again, with all the girls and their homes:

When she's alone, she goes home to a cactus, in a black dress, she’s such an actress - Kiwi

Couldn't take you home to mother in a skirt that short, But I think that's what I like about it - Only Angel

She's got a family in Carolina, So far away, but she says I remind her of home, Feeling oh so far from home - Carolina

But there’s another mention of Home on this album and that’s Harry having a Sweet Creature bringing him home instead:

Sweet creature, Wherever I go, you bring me home - Sweet Creature

What to do with this info? I uh.. can go places: girls are going to their homes, he’s going to his? But common word common theme, right?

now for the cactus

Cactus, dry. Harry wet. Cactus dry Harry wet. CACTUS DRY HARRY WET. (just imagine me saying this like GAVE ME COOKIE GOT YOU COOKIE like this scene in new girl)

Harry seems to thrive in wet, just, at all times throughout all his work. He's consistently putting himself or things he cares about in water, there's this just e x c e s s i ve need to put water everywhere, to be just a nautical anchor holding looking for his sailorman diving into deep ends, plunging in, seemingly preferring to drown over any other type of hurt, not to mention the only depiction of his uh mate in his work is a fish, it just goes on, everything is wet wet wet. So yeah cactus? Not his thing. Not his place, not his home, he got nothing to do with a cactus. Harry is kelp. Seagrass. A water lily. A lotus. The opposite of a cactus.

But I got another interpretation. Soooo cacti are associated with... how do I say this, dry desert-typey landscapes... otherwise barren lands right?. That, how would you say, don’t need much fertile grounds. That don’t .. eh... Barren.

Desert. Barren. Unfruitful. Infertile. Empty. Not Pregante. Not pragnent, no pregonate. NO PREGGERS.

I also think mentioning over and over again that really all this girl is doing is smoking, drinking, and seemingly permanently on drugs is a pretty good indication that she’s not really having someone’s baby I mean you don’t need a cactus to tell you that

(I'm secretly hoping you kinda went holy fucking shit there because I did I mean we know but pff)

In a black dress, she's such an actress

Black dresses I do associate with club goers, party girls. And welp pair that with she being such an actress, some bearding/PR stunt involved female vibes here

The black dress can also refer to a lyric (I’m aware little black dress exists but not sure if I can do anything with that info; also might as well state here that any lyric may refer to another lyric anyway) or a specific person / situation

Then I do have to mention there has been someone parading around with baby bumps in black dresses not that long before this was written... But I am very weary of these kinda pretty literal interpretations, he does seem petty af here so wouldn’t put it past him.

“she’s such an actress” is a good way to say she’s faking it, tying in with the previous line, how many ways is that now you can interpret things here as him saying someone’s saying she’s pregnant but she isn’t actually? So just a little recap:

When she’s alone she goes home to a cactus, in a black dress, she’s such an actress = She’s faking it in a black dress and when there’s nobody around she’s clearly not pregnant. hmm.

Moving on, 3rd verse:

She sits beside me like a silhouette

Some girl-im-associated-with-but-idk-her vibes. This makes me think of photos of public figures supposedly having whatever type of relations and photos of them are placed side by side in articles and such.

It’s also pretty much in line with the “she’s driving me crazy but I’m into it” interpretation of not being able to escape this situation he’s in, he’s into it, part of it, she’s always there like a shadow (silhouette beside me) and it’s frustrating the fk out of him.

BUT I GOT ANOTHER INTERPRETATION AND THIS IS GONNA GET A BIT WILD and nasty:

Silhouette/shadow/synonyms of these can also be analogies of public images vs their true selves, they’re two dimensional mirrors/reflections, not them but look like them etc. But I don’t see how that makes all too much sense in the context of the rest of the song unless this verse and this verse only is doing something else entirely. Which is possible? It’s a mess, but here we go:

Then with that said I can bring in some more parallels: this kinda somewhat mirrors “Who’s that shadow holding me hostage” - Stockholm Syndrome (it’s only shadow vs silhouette really) and even “beside you I’m a loaded gun” - No Control which.. I mean only works if you view those songs as being related (which I do) and also become a bit less of a joke when you get to the next line:

Hard candy dripping on me 'til my feet are wet

Oh so Hard like the loaded gun and then candy like the sweet treat that is “Sweet where you lay / Sweet and Sour, I devour” - No Control?

and it’s also.... dripping things... onto his feet.. Yaknow.. the ... medicinecandy that’s dripping out of.. something..hard... throw in a foot fetish while we’re at it

...

With the amount of lyrics (and what he’s said in interviews, and just done, just behavior in general) that can double as something dirty I wouldn’t be suprised. But does it fit the song? I guess it could. It could be like Stockholm Syndrome / No Control and even Kill My Mind and Back To You, which you can all read as having that double meaning of being stuck / not having control over the difficult and frustrating situation they’re in (being the in the crazy music industry / PR shit / fame / you name it) but also about a uh..? ~not boring~? let’s put it like that? relationship, or even both simulaneously: Like this shit is killing me but ~the things we do behind closed doors~ serve as an antidote and help me feel better. Maybe, maybe not. None of these lines are all too convincingly alluding to that on their own but there seems to be a bit of a pattern here right? she says while trying to ignore the 6 years worth of footage of them being nasty right in front of our salads.

Also “till my feet are wet”, they were dry but the hard candy is making them wet. Like I said before harry’s thing is wet, which helps the idea this is a positive bit right? Possibly? I need this distraction from this situation until my feet are wet, till im comfortably put back in my element which is water. 

Harry’s somewhere out there laughing, literally meaning some random girl just dropped some candy on his toe and here I’m coming in with 28 diffferent interpretations....

Aaaaaanyway stepping away from that wild stuff, back to Kiwi alone. Since there’s such a big theme of substance (ab)use, I didn’t even go over the more obvious “candy” definitely at the very least doubling as a synonym for drugs again (and with that “hard candy” being hard drugs).

It’s also a movie and a whole different meaning there I don’t wanna get into

Also I think it’s funny that he mentions a cactus and then wet feet because that’s what it’s called when you overwater your plants and killing them that way, the fast route to killing a cactus via rootrot.

And now she's all over me

I can't contain this anymore I'm all yours, I got no control, No controooohoohool, poooooooowerless and I don't care it's obvious, I just can't get enough of you I got noooo control I mean yes this is probably bullshit but it keeps checking out lol.

Casual’s listener interpretation I’m not even sure is worth mentioning, that a girl is literally on top of him.

And of course it just fits with that concept that she’s driving him insane, that she’s just all over his mind, that the situation is consuming him.

Another interpretation could be that her name is linked to his everywhere he goes (thinking about 1D times where interviewers kept bringing up girls he was associated with over and over again).

it's like I paid for it (cha-ching)

There are SO. MANY. INTERPRETATIONS. HERE. 

Paying for it = buying it. Like, are you buying it? 

Are you believing she's all over him? 

Or, are you believing all these stunts?

paying for it = that money theme again. CHA-CHING, cash, big moneys, it’s a business. 

Also “it’s like”, so kinda, so, not really again? she’d be all over me as if i paid for it, but I didn’t really?

Also a bit of a clever insinuation that we’re dealing with a prostitute here right? Just for the fun of it? Or another clever wordplay, because while prostitute means “to offer for sexual intercourse in exchange for pay”, it also means “to put oneself to an unworthy or corrupt use for personal or financial gain“, for the 28th time insinuating that this girl is doing classless shady shit. (I hope it’s clear I’m not saying sexwork is something negative, it’s definitely not)

It's like I paid for it, I'm gonna pay for this

The wordplays are coming out of my pores by now, so here he flips the words around, going from “as if I was paying for it” to “I’m going to be paying for this”. This could be “You thought I was already suffering the consequences for this no no that’s nothing, I’m still going to” Or it’s even literal and he means he’s going to have to be putting money into something. Or you know totally awkward random who nows.

I personally choose to interpret this line as I'm gonna have to face some kinda backlash with this song, people are gonna be talking about this in a way others are not gonna like, yep is gonna have some effect oopsie but I'm gonna do it anyway.

Sooooooo I think that concludes the lyric breakdown I didn’t totally spend more than a month on.

yeah that was a lot... and we’re not done.

Meaning of “Kiwi”

And then after all that this mfer had the AUDACITY to call it Kiwi. WTF is that? Why? How? When??? 

Possible meanings:

KIWI like an abbreviation, what was the joke again, Kendall I Wasn’t Interested? Lol.

Kiwi, the bird:

Bird is a word for “girl”, I don’t recall if he has addressed girls as birds before but Louis definitely does (it’s a common way to say girl in northern england if I’m not mistaken).

It’s also more specifically a bird from New Zealand, so there’s some interpretations that he’s talking about certain people that are from NZ, like Dan Wattpad, but I’m not that set on that idea.

A Kiwi’s a flightless bird and he has used (not) flying/being in the sky, being birds, and bird(cage) tats, so it could signify once again not being able to fly away and stuck in this mess ('but I'm into it')

If you’re a bird I’m a bird, have some birdy bird posts, thank you @ladychlo​​ and @ialwaysknewyouwerepunk​​ for feeding me with these kinda posts nomnom

Kiwi, the fruit.

His whole fruit aesthetics didn’t come in until the FL era (if you excuse the bananas), I don’t think he really meant to throw a fruit in there just because it’s a fruit, but who knows.

~still on the fruit, but now it’s time for a biology lesson:~

related to fertility (again), the inside of a kiwi resembles sperm trying to fertilize the female egg cell:

But wait! There’s more! Harry possibly being at it again and just meaning something dirty: Kiwi’s can be compared to balls (testis) too, I mean just the Kiwi on its own being a hairy ball yay for that, but it also looks like a cross-section of the (I’m trying hard here to use layman’s terms) tubes that produce the sperm. Here are links to a blog demonstrating that perfectly. For those who don’t get it, these are pics of kiwi slices with microscopic images of testis tube slices shopped into it:

My two favorite worlds combined. It’s even purple too so this can’t get any closer to my very specific personal vibe right here. What’s your vibe you say? Explaining purple sperm thanks to Harry Styles yep that’s it. What’s a song analysis without throwing in a biology lesson (Luckily we’re not breaking down anything Kurt Cobain or we’d be here forever).

But let’s move on, to the music video because nope nope this shit just goes on.

Music Video 

I can’t write this massive post and not go into the music video, because what the hell, a cakefight with children in suits and puppies while yelling someone having a baby is not someone else’s business? Yeah that’s Harry Styles for you.

This kind of “weirdness” makes me think of one of his favorite songs, Flowers in the Window, which has a very particular music video (with pregnant women no less) that just descends into an almost psychedelic weirdness (thanks @wishingicouldfly​​ for talking about this hah) and doesn’t seem to have much to do with the song itsself, or does it? 

Maybe first the buildup to the MV, the teasers on social media, in order:

28 kids if you don’t include Harry and his mini-me ok yep that’s fine.

mini-me of long hair era Harry got it? yeah got it. 

Harry be like STRONG asdkjahskdjh

Don’t laugh (please laugh) but this reminds me of this

It’s 90% just that girl wearing the same kinda Louis Bert shirt

(can you tell even I am going ENOUGH IS ENOUGH with this post please im pasting bert memes here)

Let’s also not neglect to mention the fact that his mini-me is a girl

This lil puzzle crazy mfer probably did some annoying[affectionate] shit with the amounts of times there was “KIWI” across all these and that will probably haunt me forever but

nuh-uh mfer not going there nonono.

Just one more thing before we get into the video:

x

harry be like mirror mirror on the wall who is the biggest bluegreener of them all

Anyway onto the video, unfortunately I’m not done with the wild larrying because the first 4 shots, can’t make this shit up, are this:

Mini-Harry in the bluegreen suit barging in through the nice blue door into the nice blue hallway, nice school you got there

nice blue cupcakes you got there

then the very next frame (0:12) we get the lil STRONG bluegreener boi with the turquoise cupcake

Cut to just his face and his blue shirt, he angry

Followed by another kiddo, in a green shirt this time, also angry

And then we just get to a whole bunch of images of cakes and kids, but yeah just saying those are the first images, juuuuuuuuuuuuuust pointing it out, nice coincidunkirks. It’s not like they’ve been aggressively bluegreening before and since nono.

So then mini Harry enters the room, they’re about to start the fight, it’s a buildup to it

for some reason this lil dude is highlighted a lot:

And this guy gets to say “what the fudge” hehe:

And then they fight, fightyfightyfighty, until mini-Harry runs out of ammo (cupcakes) (1:50):

Runs to the cake pile for more, then soldier manoeuvres (whatever that move is called) her way out of there like she’s evading bullets (managing to draw SOTT parallels because I like the pain)

but looks defeated, and that’s the moment now-Harry? Short hair harry? Big Harry? whatever actually Harry enters the room with a puppy.

2015 harry Mini-harry looks up to him like she’s saved pretty much.  

And then there’s just a bunch of chaos with children and cakes and puppies and at the end we get the smirk

Also the full image of all the kiddos at the end with the lil vertical stripe’o’bluegreener in the middle:

Interpretation, I guess. Although, it isn’t much, not compared to the lyric insanity above:

I’d like to think he just went fuck it I want a cakefight and puppies and so it shall be. Lighten the mood of what has fueled Kiwi into existence, turning it into something cute, innocent, sweet, etc.

But ok I’m calling this the big talk so I gotta go places with this, one clear theme is kids, human kids and puppies. They were only kids trying to work it out WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME STOP (do have a parallels post about this tho) with a very obvious younger version of him, the little long haired girl, made extra double triple clear by wearing the same suit as him, this is long-haired harry. Another clear theme is fighting, half of the MV is spent preparing for battle and then it descends into chaos. So this could be the most lighthearted analogy you’ll ever see of well.. his/their ongoing battle with *all the bullshit*.

Also we gotta go here right, gotta go here... can’t leave it out, bunch of kids in a gay club being themselves before all the shits goes to shit:

I can’t even watch this

tag of posts about this I still dont know how to link a tag in a way it works on mobile sorry if you’re on mobile

I also want to share this post about his live performance of Kiwi. I do think he pours out a certain type of energy that isn’t comparable to anything else, something that doesn’t happen with any other song. But I haven’t had the opportunity just yet to experience this myself, of course there are tons of videos, but I’m sure it’s different, so I’ll let that post tell it all. 

Anyway, last point, about him singing it live, is how he decided to end HSLOT on July 14, 2018 (July 14 you say, end on July 14? really? you wanna end the tour, end it, on july 14? okay. okay. no. that’s fine. yeah this is fine too. oh yeah just bzz again in 2020 why don’t you. It’s fiiiine), and end it on singing Kiwi 3x. His entire god damn tour he ends it on screaming the “I’m having your baby it’s none of your business” song three times in a row on the three year “anniversary” of the start of babygate?

And with that this analysis. Thank you for reading I hope it was a good one <3

Read my other song analyses here

[justmelagain]

Some Disheartening News...

So, I was just going through Facebook to get my bingo game freebies for the day (that’s the ONLY reason I still have FB!) & happened to see a somewhat cryptic message (hate those!) along with a couple of pics from high school from a girl I went to school with (all 12 years; we lived in the same neighborhood). The message was referencing another girl we went to school with, Leslie. So I had to then find Leslie’s profile & figure out what was going on! 🤔

The way our small town was set up, we had several elementary schools on each side of town, 2 junior high schools & then we all came together for high school in 10th grade. When we transferred to Jr High from elementary in 7th grade, our little worlds got significantly bigger due to meeting kids from the other elementaries on our side of town. Leslie was the first *NEW* person I met & we became fast friends. She was...magical. Her sweetness & constant good nature just bowled you over without warning. She was tall, skinny, cute, & her folks were rich. Properties that were enviable by someone like me; the fat ugly duckling with homemade clothes. By 9th grade, we were still buddies but Leslie had made the inevitable move upward in the social school cliques ranks. We still talked on the phone some but we didn’t go to each other’s houses anymore. By high school, I barely even saw her around at all except on occasion. But when I did see her, I could tell she’d lost none of her Leslie-ness even being surrounded by the girls she hung out with.

Yes, I’m angry about the way my life has turned out. I’m angry about the chronic illnesses I’ve dealt with over the years. I’m angry that life as I knew it was destroyed several years ago. I have the right to be angry.

Yesterday, Leslie was working out at her local gym when she passed out. Staff quickly rallied around her until EMT got there & transported her to the hospital. It was there doctors determined she’d had an aneurysm in her brain. Nothing could be done to save her. Her husband sent her, still on life support, to another hospital to harvest her organs. She’d been an organ donor since she got her license at 16. That’s the kind of person she was. But several other people can be infected with a little bit of her special Leslie-ness now & be given a second chance. I hope they live up to it!

I’ve done most things wrong in my life & I’m now looking down a double-barrelled shotgun to snuff me out at an early age. Leslie did everything right & she’s gone anyway. I think I have the right to be angry for the both of us now.

~RIL, Leslie~ Gone but Never Forgotten

[upthehillask]

(1/2) hey maria! I admire your art so much and was wondering if you have advice for a struggling semi-beginner artist such as myself...I can draw ok if I'm using references, the only problem is it has to be HEAVY referencing, like basically copying the exact photo or drawing, or else it sucks. I really want to make fanart for books/podcasts and create ocs, but every time I try to get the image in my brain onto paper, it's like the detail completely disappears and I'm drawing blobs basically!

(2/2) I’ve tried using references JUST for positioning and to make sure my proportions are correct, but that doesn’t work either because I’ll literally just end up drawing the exact reference photo! It’s like it’s impossible for me to think up of stuff on my own? That sounds really pathetic but what I mean is, I don’t know what to draw unless it’s right there in front of me on the screen/page. I’ve been struggling with this for ages, and I’d really appreciate any insight you have! Thanks

Well I don’t know if it’s going to be helpful or not helpful for you to know that you described by whole experience? I’m the kind of person who learns through imitation, and maybe you are too, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of because everyone learns differently! Your brain doesn’t visually know everything as much as we’d like it to, so referencing is inevitable if you’re going for perspective, anatomical, and proportional accuracy.

So here are some of my thoughts: (long post)

1. I’ll share my own experience first. When I decided to start learning digital art, I drew a few pieces, hated them with my soul, and concluded that I won’t learn if I don’t imitate first. So I started using references very very closely. I would copy everything except maybe things like hair and color choices. Those were my earliest drawings, Dramione mostly. It was annoying to be dependent on references but I had fun drawing, and more importantly, I learned a lot in the process! Copying forces you to really study how bodies work, faces, clothing, angles, etc. So as time went on, I learned to integrate more detail and start making changes. Which means that, while you may be frustrated to have to use references now, as long as you push yourself to also make your own decisions, you won’t need references forever if that’s your goal.

2. And that’s my other point. You won’t be able to depend on references forever. For me when I started drawing, I would be content with what references offered me. But after months and months of drawing, you’ll start running out of references you’re content with, you’ll start wanting to liberate yourself and draw things you may not find references for. So you will be forced to rely on your brain and imagination to make things the way you want to. And it will be okay, because after gaining enough knowledge and skill from imitation, you’ll be better equipped to make independent decisions.

3. What I do most of the time is use not a single reference but a bunch of them. Say, I’d use one pic for character’s head, one pic for torso, another for his arm and hand, maybe one more for something specific, like a specific shirt or whatever. I put it all together to create my own composition. This helps with two things: 1) it forces you to apply your knowledge to be able to choose (or create) your own references; you may not be drawing yet but you still need to think about angles, perspectives, proportions, etc. 2) it allows you to make the drawing your own! There’s a difference between copying one single photograph and constructing your own frankenstein reference. It may make you feel better about using references, because while they’re part of the process, you are still relying a lot on your insight and ingenuity, making independent choices, and are able to call the result completely your own.

4. Just to repeat: the more you do this sort of stuff, the more you’ll learn, which means that gradually you’ll be able to depend on references less and less! For me, I started out copying, but now after 3 years of practice, while I still use references (because I choose to), I can make my own changes to poses, clothing, faces, expressions, all kinds of stuff. Things aren’t gonna change overnight and you know it!

5. Now. If you don’t want to have any dependence on references, then focus on your style instead. Obviously, no matter the style, you still need to have enough understanding of how human bodies work and look to be able to illustrate it, but if you choose a style more simplistic, then you won’t need to worry about detail and accuracy that much. For instance, I always use references BUT the latest marauders set? Didn’t look at a single reference (well, I only checked a couple of my earlier drawings to make sure there’s enough consistency in character designs). But clearly the style is very different there, more simple, more stylized. And that justifies any inaccuracies in anatomy! So if getting things right is too much pressure, consider experimenting with style!

Okay. I think I said everything that I wanted to say. Basically, you will need to experiment and practice more, but at the end of the day, listen to yourself, figure out what works for you best, and accept that. I’d LOVE to just draw anything I want out of thin air, but that’s not the life I’m living lol so I’m accepting it and trying to improve through whatever ways I find the most productive for me personally. Just make sure to give credit where it’s due, because if you’re copying a very specific photograph in obvious ways, see if you can at least find out who the photographer is and that sort of stuff.But anyway. Da Vinci didn’t draw Mona Lisa without a reference, and it’s okay if you need one to draw your OC too :) That doesn’t make you less of an artist. Being able to take one thing and turn it into something completely new is an art of itself in my opinion.

[she-toadmask]

(This is me talking about personal stuff with fanfiction and relationships jumping off the last post because that isn’t the place to share my thoughts and experiences the post is just caution and information and this is me just musing on personal shit)

(Except it turned into yet another post of me just talking about my life and myself at length because I don’t do that enough in person so this turns into where I scream into the void about things)

(I go a lot of places, so just... treat this as ‘creator chose not to use archive warnings’ I don’t get explicit or anything I just really don’t feel like tagging this vent post so just be warned if you go below the cut I may reference or briefly discuss topics that may be triggering.)

Fanfiction has almost definitely shaped my view on relationships but also thinking about it probably also because my parents never fight??? Like occasionally they disagree on something but I have never seen them fight or have a heated argument. My parents are my ideal for a relationship because it’s just them being people like maybe some of it is fueled by them having similar jobs and both working from home and how none of us are typically “functional” (my dad is the only one to have a consistent sleep schedule, my brother is the only one who doesn’t take medication for depression or similar, we all get along and on just fine but none of us are typical humans and it’s fine because we all get along and stuff) and like maybe it’s just because the two dating relationships I had were both kind of just me being really excited to have someone who’s into the same stuff as me and wanting to be physically affectionate because I like cuddles and holding hands (but not spooning at random) but they were both just nice relationships like occasionally things would be weird (because I did not realize my asexuality or know asexuality was a thing in the first one) because we had different affection stuff (though that was probably only on my end because asexuality and other stuff) or I got carried away or was just kind of petty about other stuff. I can think of maybe four friends who I had had any kind of fight with. My long-time best friend, mostly because in middle school we were less smart than we are now and being a middle schooler meant getting worked up over weird things and getting mad for random reasons, but we never really had a serious argument that lasted super long, any long period of not communicating was just because it was hard to hang out because parent work schedules and not having the power of car ourselves and also depression takes your energy away; my friend from theater when neither of us were emotionally stable and I felt like I was responsible for them feeling happy and okay and I think I freaked them out and it was really bad and we ended up drifting apart, I really hope they’re okay they definitely had some stuff going on; a friend I met in ninth grade who randomly texted me during the summer that she didn’t want to be friends anymore, not really an argument just her suddenly bluntly saying that really fucking hurt and I had to not cry because I was doing theater and I had makeup on and didn’t bring more and it just sucked; and a different friend who I met back up with in high school who said that asexuality didn’t make you LGBTQ+ and I got really upset about it and she was like ‘I hope our difference of opinion doesn’t mean we can’t be friends’ and like I kind of still hung around her sometimes because her friends were also people I liked but I didn’t really like her as much anymore because I am asexual and that not being inherently LGBTQ+ is not something I want to hear from someone I like spending time with. I really have like zero basis for what is and isn’t a healthy relationship in terms of arguing and shit. There is this one Sanders Sides fic I’m reading (high school AU) and it has Roman as Patton’s boyfriend initially and he is unintentionally making him feel bad about his self-image and kind of is a dick through a good amount of the story and it’s Logicality and Logan and Patton do have a serious fight (before they’re dating they still aren’t really there yet) and it’s a while before they make up (it is started by an outside event though which is not how real life works but it’s a fic it’s drama when the reunion happens because one is in bad cirucmstances) wow this got really off-track really fast

I totally see fanfiction influencing how you think about things though. Honestly I think that goes for most internet stuff though, like honestly my view on sex has fluctuated wildly depending on what I know about it and my view on myself and my sexuality or lack thereof. In sixth grade I just thought it was this weird forbidden cool thing in certain fanfics and fan stuff and like I knew it was real but it was never something I thought about doing. Eventually I was like ‘this is weird but it’s still something I think about’ and then I discovered asexuality and was like ‘asexual people do not like sex therefore I do not like sex and think it is gross’ and was super uncomfortable with suggestive stuff for a while (still think songs about sex are dumb) and then I was reminded by the internet again that not all asexuals hate sex or are disgusted by it and now I’m like...not like ‘fuck yeah sex rocks’ but I accept it and am no longer really uncomfortable if I suddenly start thinking about sex. But like my initial view and previous views on sex still influence how I think, like my semi-intrusive thoughts about sex and being horny are almost always rape or turn into rape or dubious consent and I think it’s kind of because the times I was knowing about using sex as a plot device (SIGNIFICANTLY BEFORE I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THOSE THINGS MIND YOU) it was almost always rape, very rarely was there proper consent if it was discussed. Probably because MIDDLE SCHOOL AND WATTPAD AND CHILDREN but hey, shit happens. I would also like to shout out, in relation to my thoughts on sex, my first boyfriend/ex-boyfriend who sent me really fucking weird messages over the Google messenger, like him being horny when he thought about me, asking if I masturbated, and asking for a pic of me with my shirt off (he said not necessarily bra off but that is not better, fortunately I was not comfortable with that so nobody has nudes of underage me). We were like eleven. He also liked to suck my fingers and hair because they tasted good??? In that stupid ‘not like other girls’ joke post I made he’s the guy I referenced, my mom has said (I told her some of the things he said) that if my parents had known, it would have been my dad threatening him instead of some random guy on the internet. I really wish I had punched him in the face, lmao. Maybe also the reason my sex thoughts are usually rape-related is because I never wanted it myself and just was like ‘well I don’t want sex so it would only happen because not want it’ and my brain just never really let go???? Idk it’s weird

Fanfiction glorifying abuse is definitely an issue. Everyone hates the 50 shades was twilight fanfic stuff but like...it’s an example of the abuse issue at least, we can use it for that if not that bullshit.

Because tonight I just feel like venting about random life shit apparently, my parents are trying to figure out where my brother wants to go to high school, someone on a discord call my brother was in said fuck like four times in the brief time I was scooping ice cream for myself, and also apparently our cats are smart enough not to try to eat the plants we have that are toxic but not smart enough to realize that the other plants they randomly eat make them spit up.

And I’m hyped for Halloween because I’m hanging out with my friend for the afternoon and evening and we are going to do some Pokemon Sword and Shield stuff and watch CATS (2019) [hopefully followed by listening to the London soundtrack because fuck yeah I love me some Cats original London cast recording] followed by Sonic the Hedgehog (2020). Gonna be a fun afternoon and night.

[twiddlebirdlet]

"people also said he had an anxiety attack, but there was no proof of that, either." Actually there were multiple reports form fans who were there and took pics with him that mentioned that. (imgur*com/a/VOMl2TF). I'm more inclined to believe that Chris didn't want people to know about him having a panic attack so he denied later.

I think there’s a difference between what people say they saw, and what someone is actually experiencing. I’ve had panic attacks in public. I’ve had them during meetings. Now, people may have noticed that I seemed a little off, but I’d like to think that they would not have diagnosed me with a panic attack just by observing me. I really don’t want people to know I’m having them. They’re nothing to be ashamed of, but when I’m at work, I don’t want to do anything that would lead people to have less confidence in me. It’s a casualty of working in a male dominated environment, I suppose.

Now, maybe I behave a little differently during my panic attacks than most. It takes a few minutes before I’m clued into what’s going on, and I finally come to the conclusion that I’m having a panic attack and not actually dying. Personally, I think of them as an engineer. Like any man-made product, my head has bugs - just like software. When I have a panic attack, I picture my head throwing exceptions and errors like a program running into some bad code. I just need to power through it, hit reset, reboot, clear my memory, and get back to a normal state. It’ll pass. I just have to get through it. Sometimes if I have them in public I grab an ice cube and hold it tight to redirect that primitive part of my brain that thinks it’s needing to run and hide. I’m not going to say I’m completely normal, but I try to manage them in a way that doesn’t rattle those that I work with.

So, what I’m getting at is there’s no one way to manage a panic attack, and no one way to judge if people are having one in public or not. You referenced an image that had a tweet where they said they saw Chris with his head between his legs. Along with other tweets that supported that claim (we don’t know if there were multiple sources, or only one source - they could have been all referencing a single source). Now, even if we say this person was telling the truth - and we don’t know that - how would we know it was a panic attack? What if he wasn’t feeling well in another way? What if he had a migraine? What it he was having stomach cramps? Honestly it could have been anything - if it was even true.

I’m willing to give his statement the benefit of the doubt, and he didn’t have a panic attack. That’s what he said, and I think it’s ungenerous of us to doubt him, when only he knows what was going on in his head at the time. He’s been open and honest about his issues with anxiety in the past, so I don’t see any reason why he wouldn’t be honest about it that time. That’s enough for me to leave well enough alone on what happened that day.