#cos it was written for me :3 and they were like ok character moments first settings later

[catlokis-blog]

Oh hey speaking of gubby I found this fic and thought of you https://archiveofourown.org/works/44086743 It’s kinda meh? Author has wiggle room to grow and do research next time but it is gubby!

this was actually written by someone i know!! you can see me in the comments and i did rag on them a little in call for the inconsistencies in escape rooms do not fear

[lottiecrabie]

going off of your recent galatea ask - do you think she’d develop feelings for him again if they were in close proximity for an extended period of time again? idk just a theory :3

oh what a very interesting question! cracking my fingers Ok congress let’s get this discussion started (typical mad ramblings below the cut)

i think my first gut reaction would be yes, but solely because she would want to. when i went through a Very Galatea Moment this winter lol, i typed a beginning to a galatea take two in which they were working on her third album and she was specifically seeking him out as a producer to fall in love with him all over again and use that pain to fuel her. it was all written before sleep in one night so i don’t really know where i wanted to follow that emotional line, but i assume she would have revived her feelings — fully knowing and embracing she was pygmalion — and then maybe the pain of it would have been too masochist, or not enough, not album-of-the-year enough, and it’d feel meaningless. i don’t know!

thinking about it now though, i don’t really enjoy that idea, and i don’t think i would have ever followed it if i had actually decided to write galatea take two. much too straightforward, taking away all the nuance of the characters, all the tragedy that they accidentally fall face first into and realize only too late their mistakes.

this also brings up the question on if she ever actually loved him, the real him, and not the one she made up in her mind. we know that she romanticized him, that she made this grand summer love affair bigger than it was, and that by the end of august, she’s left reeling with the knowledge that she created him. it could make you wonder if it was all fantasy, if she really knew him, if she only loved the idea of him. then, if she was working on her third album with him, there would be nothing to fall back into; it was never there anyway. or, maybe, to the contrary, she’d know him without the theatrics she pushed onto him and fall in love with the real him. in which case it would theoretically be the very first time.

i don’t know if i’m satisfied with that one either. both side of the argument on if she loved him or not have merit (me saying ‘argument’ like it’s not just me and the voices lmao). i don’t think it’s as easy as saying people’s feelings are Fake just because they might have been mostly lived in their own minds. that’s still Something, and if it’s valid or not is up to you and your interpretation. i don’t think i’d ever had gone down the ‘ends up falling for the “real” him’ route either though, just because it’s a little too clean-cut and fairytale ending-y, the antithesis of galatea take one.

in the end, i do believe that she is, to her core, delusional and a dreamer and a romantic, and that she builds things up in her mind and invents meaning where there’s none. so yeah, i think she’d probably have feelings for him again, though it’d have almost nothing to do with him and more to do with her. she can’t help herself; she says she’s not listening to the instinct to romanticize him and wax poetics about his every little looks, but in the end it’s still there. at least until she’s worked on it, she’ll just fall back into her habits. but i think she could do it to and with other people in her life, not just matty.

tldr// yeah probably lol. but every theory is valid and has weight cos this is Galatea and it’s made to be Interpreted

[clare-with-no-i]

20 q's for fic writers

thank you sooo so much for tagging me @kay-elle-cee I unfortunately could not approach this in a completely earnest fashion due to who I am as a person, so everyone please take this slightly ersatz set of answers with all of the love I intend…which is a lot I swear…

AO3 Username: clarewithnoi (pronounced 'clare with no eye')

1. How many works do you have on A03? lol I keep orphaning stories when they annoy me but for now 37 (I think?)

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 403,419…what is this word city

3. What fandoms do you write for? Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, others which I have not published lol

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

not the statistics page!!!!!!! john mulaney voice that's the thing I'm sensitive about!!!!!!

one long day (all my love will make you shake) at 1,151 WOW my god I did not realize it had surpassed 1k!!! did I know that? holy shit!

I will carry you, always at 873 ok this is also shocking but I do know that my they-lived AUs tend to be more popular and they're older so they've had time to accumulate hits

foreigner's god at 701 still can't believe this <3

theogony at 682 (!!)

growing pains at 675 another they-lived AU! I really carved out a niche early on

5. Do you respond to comments? don't look at me…I always want to…I swear I just get overwhelmed…put the gun down please…

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? uhhhh jesus idk, probably the derelict art of letting go? I don't write a lot of angst but I guess that one is on the sadder side

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? foreigner's god! or I will carry you always! in one of them I contend with reincarnation and shared grief and second chances at life. in the other one they hook up in the DADA classroom. so it's a toss-up

8. Do you get hate on fics? not really, and given the number of public fights I've had on this account you'd think that people would take their dislike of me to ao3 more often, but everyone's been remarkably charitable in that regard. thanks guys <3

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? only if I can exorcise personal trauma through it. or if it's 2020 and I'm dissociating in my studio apartment.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? no and no one say theogony or I'm turning this bus around

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? yessiree and it was not pleasant!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? yes! a few! the ones with my permission were lovely. the ones without my permission not as much.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? naur…

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? it's like a three-way tie between jily, percabeth, and zelink tbh! but I've mainly read jily fic in the past few years I think. but this answer can change dependent on me developing a new hyperfixation lmao

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? the last time I answered this question I did it as a joke and then I wrote theogony about it so I'm going to choose peace and just plead the fifth here lest I commit to another wip that'll take three years

16. What are your writing strengths? I do a lot of (an excess of) research, I'm good at description, I am funny when I want to be, I've had some really good prose moments if I do say so myself (I do)

17. What are your writing weaknesses? I am structurally a very weak writer, I can't be succinct, I don't have a great literature background so I never really know what I'm in conversation with and have limited points of reference for writing, I am very bad at writing characters who are subtle about their emotions/romantic feelings, I submit to time pressure and rush myself, the list goes on

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I've always wanted to write a fic in Spanish omgggg

19. First fandom you wrote for? either Zelink or Percabeth when I was like 12 lol.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written? theogony!

tagging @thequibblah yes I know you've been tagged already. cope <3 and @mipwrites go get 'em champ

[greypetrel]

✨Self-Rec Tag Game ✨

Thank you very much @shivunin! ✨✨✨

Rules: Share five of your own fanworks (fic, art, etc.). Then, tag five more people to share the things they've made. e.g.: 1. Something you absolutely adore 2. Something that was challenging to create 3. Something that makes you laugh (or smile, if that fits more comfortably) 4. Something that surprised you (in how it turned out, how much other people liked it, etc.) 5. Something you want other people to see

Soooo... I'm actually one of those people who can't just tell you ONE favourite thing. If you ask me about my favourite movie, I'll shorten the list to ten and will cry because I left something I love outside. Oops, I guess.

And I also really love colour coordination. 🌈

1. Something I absolutely adore.

I don't absolutely adore any of my works ahahahahahahah.

Beside some self-deprecation, I'm still very please with this fanart of Aisling and Dorian looking outside the window.

I know you don't appreciate much Crossovers, Mo and way too many people around, but the chance to put together two things I love... I would never tackle fanfiction if I didn't have something mine to put it (that's why I started writing fic with Dragon Age, which is based on the "Create your own character" basic), so this was my chance at tackling Tolkien lore which I absolutely adore and has been part of my life ever since I was a little bean.

There's also a fic which is basically LOTR... But with Dragon Age Characters (taking advantage of the fact that in the book nothing much is seen of Mordor... I slipped everyone there and I promise it makes more sense x°D)

2. Something that was challenging to create

Everything concerning Raina, which you can now find in this convenient folder I'll fill little by little on AO3.

I... Accidentally tackled too many things that strikes close to home with her, and writing her is basically something similar to a therapy session. The current thing I'm working on is proving difficult.

But I'll say this official portrait of her, just for the fact that I tried a new way of colouring (thanks to @ndostairlyrium forever and ever for the tips and tricks) and everything was new and challenging. The amount of times I cursed myself for putting a background! xD

3. Something that makes you laugh

You see, Mo, I am very unable to choose just one thing. If you ask me what's my favourite movie, I can shorten my list to 10. I'll give you three.

The Bi Cullen series. I should do another one, I just have to finish it, but this is close to my heart. Because bi panic and science bros.

This little exploration in the Mythal Temple, full with very necessary Indiana Jones and Emperor's New Groove quotes.

And last but not least, the one and only Haunting Queen, Doris the Rage Demon who lives in Cullen and Aisling's stove and is deeply in love with Cullen... And also very jealous. It's jealousy, it's not Aisling that doesn't know how to cook.

4. Something that surprised you (in how it turned out, how much other people liked it, etc.)

Ok, for this I have 2:

Home Was Never on the Ground aka the Monster fic. It's my first attempt at fanfiction and the first prose I had written in YEARS. I thought of an anthology of moments missed in game, or expansions of scenes I liked. I am honestly surprised by the amount of hits it got and even if I see flaws, I like my baby.

One for the Road. Aka. Fenris/Lavellan 2 chapter fic. I wrote it as a divertissement, it ended up to be extra angsty... And I sincerely thought I had totally misinterpreted Fenris here. I remember being so nervous when posting it that I actually considered keeping it for myself. And instead, it was received well?

5. Something you want other people to see

On this I'm more sure! (well.)

My little joy is the DadWolf AU which you can find here. Basically, a Modern AU following the events of DA2 and Inquisition... With something changed.

Namely, Solas woke up 30 years before, and he and Varric were roommates. And they co-parent my Inquisitor, Aisling, and Dorian who are actually science bros. It's something that brings me joy in doing, there's nothing written as per yet save some prompts but it will be!

Also one fanart I'm very very attached to is this one which was done in collaboration with @ndostairlyrium (I drew it, she coloured it), and which now guards me from my wall when I work in my studio.

In case you all were still wondering yes, I'm wordy. I know it's a surprise.

I reckon that I forgot to tag, OOPS. @rosella-writes @oxygenforthewicked @cullenvhenan @cao-the-dreamer @transprincecaspian and for the rest I think everyone was already tagged...? Send me a word if you were not and would like to!

[annanother-thing]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

@starquestingfordrarry ahhh thank you for tagging me, these are such good questions!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

41 +1 unrevealed +6 that ive hidden

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

238,631

3. What fandoms do you write for?

only harry potter atm but i have written other fandoms before and i am psyching myself up to write some pjo/hoo next year

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Best Kept - drarry, secret relationship, EWE, E, 7k

How Does Your Garden Grow - wolfstar, modern au, T, 1.6k (this was the first hp fic i ever wrote back in 2016!)

Sparks - drarry, soulmates au, secret relationship, E, 20k

White in the Darkness - wolfstar, established relationship, possessive!remus, E, 7k

Maybe Love Could Be A Verb - wolfstar, getting together, idiots to lovers, E, 16k (my first fic coming back to fandom last year!)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

not as much as i should... i hate replying to comments when my work is still anon and i swear this year all ive done is anon fests and then i forget to reply when reveals happen and then my inbox gets super full and i get overwhelmed...

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oooh probably Invisible, Inescapable - ghost!reg, house magic, 16k, M - or Non-Existent Hearts Still Bleed - mostly canon compliant Pansy character study, 8k, M

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

uhhhh most of them? i dont tend to write sad things

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not so far!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes. all of it. mostly queer but i have done some m/f but mostly in triads and that one tomione dead dove. currently in the middle of kinktober so smut is on the brain

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

no theyve never been my vibe

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

no thank god

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! well, someone asked, idk if they actually did it. it was my pansromione choir fic from pride fest

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

back in the day i co-wrote one with my then-best friend - i think it was the first fic i ever uploaded...

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

nope. impossible question. my ogs are wolfstar and drarry, but i also adore pansmione/pansromione, fleurinny, ginsy, jegulus, jegulily... so many ships so little time...

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i tried to do nano with original fiction several times and none of them really stuck, which im sad about because some of the ideas were banging - lesbian vampires through time, anyone?

16. What are your writing strengths?

ok this is the hardest question by far...

i think i am quite good at the introspection, and characters having to think through their situations, figure out how they actually feel. i blame all the therapy...

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

confidence and run on sentences. i was editing a fic yesterday and found a sentence that was nearly half a page...

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i dont mind it, but i think it has to fit the story. but one of my pet peeves is when people but dialogue in another language and then put the translation in the chapter notes - i have a goldfish brain and by the time i get to the end of the chapter i have forgotten what the dialogue was about

19. First fandom you wrote for?

kingsman back in like 2014/5

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

dont make me choose between my babies! maybe the one that i cant talk about yet (i feel its the most up to date representation of my writing at the moment), maybe my wolfstar witcher!au (longest uploaded fic, and i really struggled to finish it but im so proud of myself for getting there), maybe my soulmate fest one (i was so not happy with it but everyone seemed to like it and it reminds me that i am my own worst critic)

Tagging: @gloivy @uncannycerulean @silently--here @tracingpatternswrites <3

[bioshoook]

okay your ask inspired me so more AH asks for you: 1, 5, 8, 25, 34, 48, 51!! <3

Thank you for the questions Emrys :3

1) How did you get into AH?

Already answered, but I got into them by seeing a video somebody made on youtube with a bunch of other fandoms that were popular on Tumblr in 2014.

5) Favorite team?

Whatever the hell team name Trevor and Alfredo have now (tho Team Nice Dynamite is always right behind them in my heart)

8) Favorite AU?

Hmm favorite AU would have to be the Fake AH Crew AU just because of all the memories I have of messing around in that AU and all the great content that people have created using that AU. There's just so much to do when the characters you're playing with are literal criminals.

25) Has a video or specific moment ever made you emotional?

Not sure if this is for like sad emotional or happy emotional or whatever, but the first video I can remember off the top of my head that made me emotional in the sad way was when Meg had to host The Know after Monty passed away.

34) Have you seen the musical?

Yep I have! Watched the whole thing when it was mixed with the GTA video.

48) If you have one, who’s your favorite fic author or fan artist?

OOoohhh boy do I *cracks knuckles*

Since I know I can't narrow this down to like one author and artist I'm just gonna do a handful of the large amount of people that have created some of my favorite works and inspired me/influenced me with how I write.

So author wise I have to first give it up for @confusedeevee who without her I would most likely not be writing AH fanfic like I am today, plus she's an excellent beta, amazing writing partner and always helps me brainstorm when I need it and will listen to me rant and rave about all my au ideas even tho it's probably 3 am for her :') and her fics are out of this world, please go read them.

Next is @futureboy LIGHT OF MY FUCKING LIFE who fed (and continues to feed tbh) my alfreyco cravings and has some of the best written dialogue out there and a head full of incredible ideas when it comes to writing! They just have some of the best writing out there and they're honestly killing it with the ST fics right now.

And since we're talking about Alfreyco (because how could we not am i right??) @jusst-you-wait is honestly really to blame for me still writing AH fic to this day, because this lovely alfreyco obsession of mine started when I read her Fake AH fic about Trevor and Alfredo investigating some abandoned building for Geoff and that's all she wrote. Also one of the best hype mans out there and such a great writer!

And I can't forget @shadeofazmeinya and @sorcererinthestars who also have some of the best fics out there in my opinion. And tbh I included both of them in one thing because one is not far from the other when it comes to fics and tumblr and there places in my HEART! Love these two so much and both have them have produced such fantastic work in this fandom and appreciate that every single DAY.

Ok now with artists unfortunately there aren't as many as there used to be in the ye olden days of the fandom, but that doesn't mean we don't have some excellent artists still!

Firstly is @keeningthoughts who without them I would not have the lovely alfreyco outlast fanart that I cry over almost daily and would not have known the joys of being in a server dedicated to a podcast co-lead by two very silly boys. Clay, your everchanging art style and the art you've drawn, no matter how silly, have always made me so happy when i see them on here or twitter :3

And then @ursifors who has created some of the most awesome art in this fandom. Just the way you draw the AH members (and Jeremy lbr) is so incredible and fun to look at. Your shading and the way you draw expressions are always the best. Like the way you nail people's faces is just 👌👌👌👌

51) Any videos, series, podcasts, etc. you’d recommend to new fans?

Would definitely recommend Red Web (how can I not?) if you're into spooky things and conspiracy theories, but for general AH stuff I would recommend Off Topic because that is always a good, tho sometimes chaotic, way to get a feel for the vibes at AH. As for videos, any Between the Games and Shenanigans videos are always great to watch. Series wise, there are always MC and GTA videos, which are CLASSICS even if they're older and Play Pals which is 👌. Always recommend those. Some more recent ones would be GMOD and 7 days to die. Also the Rage Quit anniversary video they came out like two weeks ago. That was an excellent video.

[notbooper]

Hehe here's some ramblings ab my weird Groundhog Day Price au thing :) this is kinda me laying out a timeline of everything and whatever else comes to mind

Heads up: I don't think I'll ever turn this into one long cohesive fic, it'll probably just be little ficlets and then long ramble-y bits like this

Read my first post regarding this au or else you'll be lost bc I explain a lot of things from my intro that I don't exactly plan to put into in depth writing.

Intro

Cw: I love Price so much so I put him through hell <3, temporary character death, depictioms of death n violence and bodily harm, non canon timeline bc oops and fuck canon (just a bit), this is not written like a fic like the first part, so it's just me rambling, also formatting is terrible ik I'm so sorry I just needed to get this out of my system, Ghoap content

Not edited bc lazy

So uh timeline is funky bc I forgor ab canon and consistency and also despite the fact I've played both 2019 and mw2 multiple times I'm still dumb. N e way:

I assume that the boys aren't familiar with each other at the beginning of mw2 but price knows all of them bc he hand picked them. I assume that they haven't worked w each other b4 those events but we're throwing that out the window here bc I forgot :)

So they had one very brief mission together before the events of mw2, the one described in my little intro blurb, nothing too serious or long, not enough time for team bonding, simply something I made up for expository ab the whole Groundhog Day thing.

Also ok explaining background Ghoap w my fucky timeline bc I totally forgor I wrote some implied Ghoap:

I dug my own grave by saying I wanted to set my blurb b4 mw2 and make that mission quick and they don't even get any time to like bond properly, but we can make this work ok? Ok. I don’t see Ghost as a self sacrificing person despite the fact that he's military and it kinda comes w the job and his status as definitely dead and shit and just his kinda general disposition. I can see it if he's v close w someone but otherwise it usually isn't "practical" bc of how useful he knows he is. In this scenario though ima say that Ghost had been heavily injured in the heli wreck and knew that he wasn’t gonna get too far. Once the heli crashed, he had been the closest to Gaz and had tried to pull him out, for the sole purpose of during the time before he could tell how fond Prive was of him, and because Ghost cares deeply for Price he made an effort to rescue Gaz, that doesn't work obviously and he ends up terribly injured. Later on, once they start taking heavy fire and closer to his death Ghost realizes that he's not going to make it too far and decides that when there needs to be a sacrifice, bc he knows there will, he'll go down.

Cut to Ghost sees that Soap's ab to get fucked up and takes the shot 4 him. Soap's reaction, unlike Ghost's reasoning, is based in vague Ghoap. Soap comes to the conclusion, b4 they even get out of the heli, that the Lieutenant does not like him. Fine, he's clashed w/ COs b4, nothing new. He was hoping that since they were gonna be on this same tiny team that maybe the could be friendly but he supposed not. So imagine his shock when the man who seemed to despise him sacrifices himself for Soap. He's touched, truly, especially bc that Soap will never know that Ghost's real reasoning. That Soap believes in that moment that maybe that Ghost didn't hate him and maybe kinda really liked him but didn't show it. He beliebes that if THE Ghost sacraficed himself for Soap, that he must feel that Soap was a valuable member of the team, maybe moreso than him. That Soap is also in the middle of watching his entire team get wiped out and realizing that it's now him and Price against what feels like an entire army so his extreme emotional reaction to Ghost's death is also in part from that.

There, intro Ghoap explained :)

Explanation of how this Groundhog Day shit works btw:

The first time it happens is in my little intro blurb thing. Price will go through an event where any one or more of the 141 dies, and then he will be sort of sent back in time to varying amounts of time before the events happen so that he can prevent their deaths. Price can't control it obviously. How Price discerns that these aren't weird premonitions and actually events that he lived through is that he always gets sent back with some scars from whatever shit show happened. Like for example in my blurb he would come back with his palms all scarred up from the broken glass he grabbed from the window soap got tackled out of at the end. It's a weird mechanic ik but shhhhh it's for angst purposes. It's there as a sort of reminder for Price for all the times he's "failed" his boys bc I FUCKING LOVE ANGST n e way,

Then the events of mw2 happen ofc. There are different points throughout in which I will kill the boys so here's that death list:

Gaz- something to do with the helicopter bit, obviously, like he gets no breaks, idc if you get tired of how many heli deaths I give this man, I like it. I think everyone gets one death during mw2 events

Side note: one thing I feel like I'm having a hard time balancing is making this compelling by "killing" off the boys and traumatizing Price, and also not making the boys look more incompetent if that makes sense? Like I had three deaths drafted up for Gaz but felt it was too much?

Kate: 110% dies at one point during the whole hostage thing. Gives an extra oof to John's whole apology bit to her afterwards (ome of my fav interactions in the game tbh)

Ghost: this fucker is proving the hardest to brainstorm for tbh. Like if anyone, for any of these parts at all, wants to put in any ideas feel free to, but I just feel like the others have NDEs that I can use as deaths, but honestly I feel like Ghost is I don't want to say better than the others but there's not really a point in mw2 in which I feel like I could take inspo for a death? So ig tldr: TBD but maybe none at all and when the timeline expands to after current canon I give him smtg big to give my boy some attention?

Soap: alone, obviously. This one is more complex then the others. They're all gonna be situations in which John can do something, whether directly or indirectly to change the outcome. I think for alone John cycles through that loop for a bit, not being able to make contact with anyone in Las almas and he gets lucky that after a few cycles we get canon alone events. This will def be it's own little chapter fic drabble thing bc I have so much to say ab this and how it affects Price

Bonus soap thought: I also wanted to do Graves tank fight purely bc that's the part I had the most trouble with in my first playthrough of the game. I had to repeat that section an ungodly amt of time and shaped me into the avid Graves hater I am today. I'm digressing but n e way I decided against the tank bit bc alone was just so much more yummier in my head.

---------------------------------------------------

N e way that's my sort of ramblings for now, small bits and pieces will be on the way, probably

[gallawitchxx]

fic writer interview ✍🏼✨🗣

many moons ago, i was tagged by some beloveds (of which i remember @squidyyy23 & @shameless-notashamed but i know there were more!) to do this fic writer interview. since it's been going around again, i've been tagged by @energievie @very-sleepy-head & @thisdivorce, so without further ado, HERE IT IS:

- - - - -

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 26 -- 24 fics & 2 art series!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 145,909

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? M8TE | where you end & i begin | an exception to the rule | a seven letter word for love | tell me what you want, baby

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i do! i try to at least! they mean the world to me & i love how interactive fic writing can be!

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? oh gosh.... maybe no matter what tomorrow brings, which i wrote for kinktober 2021? the ending is fairly sweet, but it's 7x11 canon compliant, so we all know they say goodbye the next day 😭

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? definitely an exception to the rule. it's the only wedding i've ever written lol.

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what’s the craziest one you’ve written? not yet! & no plans, but never say never?

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic? not really, which i'm grateful for!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? hell yeah. existential, feral, it's all hot to me!

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen? not that i know of!

11. Have you ever had a fic translated? also not that i know of!

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before? nope. i'm definitely not opposed, but i do enjoy working by my little lonesome. i would like to do more fic/art collabs though in the future!

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship? feels a bit obvious, no? 😉

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? i don't have any current wips! but i do have a couple ideas knocking around... southside shrouds & another calli prompt that's weaseled its way in! we'll see!

15. What are your writing strengths? i think my metaphors & use of descriptive language is unique! i also love weaving canon lines into au's in ways that are hopefully satisfying!

16. What are your writing weaknesses? oooh this one's interesting & to be honest, i'm pretty up my own ass at the moment, so nothing? lmaoooo. i'd like to improve on world-building. i can really rely on folks's understanding of the characters in canon to fill in the blanks when i slack on adding details.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in your fics? i don't mind when other's do it, but i don't think i will? unless the scenario called for it. but i would never want to get it wrong, so i'd have to consult with native speakers!

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for? this one! though technically i've been writing a shakespeare au in screenplay form for years.

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to? i really love the boys of red, white & royal blue. but so far i haven't felt called to write. just shove fics in my face.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? probably M8TE. but lord, what a sophie's choice moment 😉

- - - - -

i'm not going to tag anyone because i was already in everyone's inboxes this morning, but if you wanna play, do it & tag me, ok? xx

[bizships]

I was tagged by @madamairlock

20 fic writing questions here we goooooooo

1. How many works do you have on AO3?: 100

2. What's your total AO3 word count?: 595,936

3. What fandoms do you write for? Star Trek Voyager primarily. I tend to be a one fandom girl.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?Unexpected (375)

Timeless Moments (282)

The Times They Are A Changin’ (275)

Pinewood (236)

Come Healing (212)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Not always. It’s a habit I really need to get back into.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

That’s No Way To Say Goodbye. It was written for the first Merry Month of Cohen Angst fest, and well… I killed Chakotay. 😬 But the story is really good though.

I think Repercussions comes in second because I basically left it with Kathryn not only moving out and separating from Chakotay, she was also having a recurrence of the nightmares from her torture by the Kazon.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I’ve written many a happy ending. I’m not sure what would qualify as “the happiest”.

Unexpected has a nice happy ending with the birth of baby Tuya.

Feeling Good with Kathryn and Chakotay retiring 25 years after Voyager’s return and becoming live in caretakers of Voyager as a museum. and 25 Years Earlier , the story of how Kathryn and Chakotay ended up married. Hint, there was copious amounts of booze involved.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I’ve not gotten outright hate on my fics. Just a comment about timing or how a character was treated, but they were never outright awful comments.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Not often. But when I do it’s more sensually described as opposed to explicitly shown. Certain euphemisms make me cringe and I’m not fond of blatant smut.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I’ve written crossovers throughout the Trek universe. I’ve got a couple off the wall ideas pondering. One being a Voyager/Gunsmoke crossover. That one is partially written. I keep going back to it and adding a few things here and there. Someday it will get finished. Lately I’ve been pondering a Voyager/Emergency! Crossover. Still working out the logistics of that one.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware of. I’ve had ideas or concepts stolen though, but I’ve never said anything because it will be denied and at this point it’s not worth the bother.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have not. No one has asked and I’d feel more comfortable with someone I know and trust doing the translation.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I’ve co written a few in my days. A few Lois & Clark stories with a friend of mine. A couple Voyager round robins.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Janeway/Chakotay. But I also ship Janeway/Chakotay/Ayala as an established throuple. I also ship Picard/Crusher, but haven’t written anything other than crossover.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Lord, I have so many. I hope to finish them all. 🤞🤞

16. What are your writing strengths?

Banter and dialogue. I’m also pretty good at creating realistic original characters/kids. I think I can also do really emotional free-writing styled one shots. I’m good at titles too. They tend to be my outline.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Description. I’m so bad at it. I often don’t have the words. But I am trying to improve and do better. I’m also bad at planning things out. I can’t outline to save a life. I don’t like how an outline makes me feel boxed in. I must write linearly as well. If I skip around the brain is like, ok, it’s done. And I’ll never actually connect the dots.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

If I’m comfortable with it and have done enough research to know it’s proper, I’ll write it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Lois & Clark The Adventures of Superman.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

That would probably be The Times They Are A Changin’. I’m super proud of how that story came out and I’m thrilled that people loved the outspoken and fiery adult daughter I gave Kathryn and Chakotay. Tananka was every bit her parents’ child.

Another absolute favorite is Solace. Because I was able put in words just exactly how I see Kathryn and Chakotay’s relationship and the depth of it.

I tag: @alexismusictrek and really anyone who wants to do this. 😁

[sunflouwerhabit]

hi! this is not really a question buuuut I've just read three of your fics and I just wanted to congratulate you on your writing! I really really love your writing style.

I started with “It's Fine To Fake It 'Til You Make It ('Til It's True)” and I  loved the pace in that, I think Louis' characterization was done in a way that I hadn't really seen before and I found it so refreshing, the humour in this was so good and I just LOVED Harry&Louis&Vivi and Harry reconnecting with his siblings (and how much his siblings liked Louis!!), it was definitely very comforting, I loved it. 

Then I read In The Name Of Being Honest, which I know is co-written but still, I really liked this one as well! I was hooked from the moment that we find out who Ben is (I was actually hooked from the beginning but that part left me shook right from the start), I loved Louis and Niall's friendship (I loved how supportive/protective/caring Niall was) and seeing Louis and Harry developing their relationship again was just so 💙💙💙💙💙 (speechless person), anyway I keep thinking back to it and it's been days and I still really want to go to Good Chives Only :( 

But well yesterday I read write this down and I loved it so so so much! It's one of my favorite/top 5 fics I've read this year (it's also definitely a new all-time favorite). First of all I LOVE Taylor Swift and I am an evermore supremacy defender as well so to read something inspired by 'tis the damn season already had me excited about it (plus ALL the references throughout the story. the champagne problems one PHYSICALLY HURTED. i probably didn't catch all the references but I like to believe I caught most of them and it always made me smile). Second, I wish I had read this in winter because AAAA i loved loved the concept of "the winters", the chapters, the pov switch (this was literally so perfect. like. I don't think I've ever enjoyed dual pov as much as in this). I really liked Harry and Louis's relationship in this - sometimes it's really hard for me to enjoy when stories are spread throughout such a large period of time and we're supposed to believe that the characters remain in love with eachother BUT I definitely didn't felt like that AT ALL while reading this. I think that both of them cared so much about eachother and specially in the earlier chapters seeing how much they struggled to be honest and raw in sharing parts of their lives and then seeing a development from that (specially on Louis' side I think) was so so interesting.

I think that my favorite winter was the fourth because 1. I was really naive and I had no idea of what was going to happen next. 2. I think it works as a great way to show why/how they work, I love how they actually talk about their lives, I love THE ICE RINK SCENE GOD it's definitely one that is going to be engraved in my mind because AAA "I didn't buy a ticket back to LA" & how supportive Louis is of Harry's career and talent & "we could stay here together", and I love the chapter. It's just so good. 3. I HAVE to mention “Baby, if I’m abandoning society and disappearing off the face of the earth, I’m taking you with me.” // “I’d go with you in a heartbeat.”  i. i LOVE THEM SO MUCH. oh and also 4. THE PRESENTS. 5. THE LETTERS. 6. THE TEXTS. 7. THE ANGST. So good. 

Anyway, I also loved the tweets, they worked as great interludes and they were often very funny. A few that made me laugh out loud were "hahaha yes, if i were leila i’d be thrilled that my bf took 10 years between each word when he was talking about his “girl” and how much she means to him." (from Chapter 7) and ""Y’all need to respect harry and leila” omg ok bestie i will if harry can even tell me her name." (from Chapter 9) - also loved all the tweets reacting the tis the damn season (& the names of the accounts I swear everything was so detailed in this fic AAAAA) and the whole ohioan lover truthers. So perfect. 

Anyway I think I could talk about this fic endlessly and this is already gigantic (I'm sorry) but I think I'm going to stop here. I just wanted to show some support because I cherish fic writers SO MUCH and as you can probably guess I really liked your fics (in case this long ass ramble didn't show it) so I really thought I should say something about it because in my head it just makes sense that if a fic makes me as happy as these ones made me, I should just show my appreciation about it sooo this is me doing that. 

I hope you're having a lovely day & I'm really looking forward to see what you'll write next. 

(also, I'm going to start reading down the line sooo I might come back. who knows)

(also. if there are any grammar/spelling mistakes pls know that I'm sorry & ignore that. it's kinda late where I'm writing from and english is not my first language)

oh my god! hi hello! i read this lovely, perfect, absolutely gorgeous message a week or so ago, but didn't quite have the time to give it the love and attention it deserves, so i've held off on replying and now i am here to just.... SOB AND GUSH. HI. I LOVE YOU?????

thank you so much for taking the time to read my stories, and for being so kind. in my mind, in the name of being honest and it's fine to fake it 'til you make it are the chicago sisters and it makes me the absolute happiest to know you enjoyed them. writing both was such a special journey. those stories and the characters and their relationships (louis and niall in ITNOBH! harry and louis and vivi in Fake It! A true wonderful trio!) mean so much to me and i'm happy they could be of comfort to you, and that they could keep you hooked :)

(louis in it's fine to fake is one my favorite characters i've written. he was sO MUCH FUN and i learned so much about being unapologetically myself from him. he's my everything)

but then. AHHHHHHHHHH. everything you've said about write this down is just so?!?!?!?!? GOD I AM CRYING. i love love love that you are also an evermore truther, because that obviously means you have the best taste? as soon as i listened to that album for the first time, i knew it was meant to inspire so many musings and that's really what write this down became- an ode to my favorite album of all time :') i call it the tis the damn season fic and it IS, but it's also the champagne problems fic, the willow fic, the happiness fic, the right where you left me fic (RWYLM was written FOR write this down louis, acually!) and it's an ode to my baby folklore as well and just sdjfslkfsf i love when swifties read write this down because i know you'll fully appreciate it :')

i'm also so happy the dual POV worked, and the winters too (even now, the outlines for all the chapters and the drafts are saved in my computer as the winters <3) and as someone who takes so much pride in developing characters and relationships, it makes me the HAPPIEST to know that louis and harry's relationship felt genuine. i also love the fourth winter so much, because i'm very much the same way when reading a love story- i want to be able to root for characters and relationships and i want to WANT them to work out, and i feel like- in so many ways- winter four is their reason to keep fighting and it's so special

(and the CABIN CONVERSATIONS! aka the lakes brought to life! it was one of the first scenes i wrote!!!!).

((also i love love love including tweets hehehe and making the usernames and showing how harry's career grows through them was SO MUCH FUN!!!))

anyway!!!!!!!! now my response is long and rambly, but i hope you know that this kind of message is the absolute best thing to receive as an author. it means so much to me, and i'm just the happiest that these stories could make you happy :-) thank you so much for the love you've showed me and other fic authors. you're so wonderful <3 and your english is absolutely wonderful! <3

i hope you enjoy down the line, if you've read it, and that you're having the very best day. thank you so, so, so much for this message i will be smiling for the rest of the WEEK. ahhhhh. i love you <3

[just-some-random-blogger]

weLL FUCK NOW I really HAVE TO READ THIS SERIES OR ELSE IM GOING TO BE FUCKING SAD WHAT THE fuck

a keep reading cos im on pC!

FIRST OF ALL

ME @ YOUR ANON

actually no

ACTUALLY YES

I GET IT OK I GET THAT HUMANS HAVE A KNACK FOR ANGST OR WHATEVER BUT IN A FICTIONAL WORLD WHERE EVERYTHING COULD BE PERFECT AND HAPPY AND SWEET AND PAIN FREE YOU FUCKING RANNNNNNNNNNNNN 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨 YOU RAAAAANNNNN TO GET YOURSELF INJURED YOU

RAAAAANNNNNNNNNN

TO GET HIT BY A FUCKING TRAINNNN

WHYYYYYY

i remember when i got a rec for smth similar ????????????? AND I STILL WROTE IT DUH IM A PEOPLE PLEASER BUT I WAS LIKE ??????????????????????????????????????? WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO GET HURT i say as a person who LOVES crying over fictional characters WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS???????????????? WHAT THE FUCK

chile anyway so

The sound of sniffling midwives is easy to ignore in the peace of the moment. In the wake of your efforts, all you can see is your babe. Cradling her red-slicked form close to your chest, you marvel at the downy-soft pale of her hair peeking through the viscera, the tiniest fingers and toes, the puckered mouth and the sweet button nose. You made this. She is perfect.

Why is she not breathing?

WHAT THE FUCK

“Sh,” he had soothed, hand on your back as he walked you to the bed. “You’re alright, sweetling. Just… just let it happen.”

NO. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. HE TRIED. HE TRIED BUT THIS WAS A REAL MISS FOR ME. YOU CANT SAY THAT TO HER YOU CANT SAY THAT TO ME I DONT KNOW WHAT HE COULD HAVE SAID I REALLY DONT BUT IM SAD AND IM ANGRY AND YOUR A MAN AND I HATE YOU FUCK YOU YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW SHE FEELS THIS IS YOUR FAULT

going in-fucking-sane over this im not even halfway through nah nah nah nah i hate it here

You had not understood what he meant by it. What choice did you have? There had been very little control to wield in the throes of torment, and you were forced to your side on the mattress as you heaved for breath through the strain of it.

wait SHE LIKE ME FOR REAL. YOU GOT STUMPED WRITING THINS DIDNT YOU HAHAHHAHAHAH DAMMIT FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE IT HERE

“What–” he stops, swallows. He reaches tentatively for the peach fuzz atop her head, fingers trembling through the silver moonshine and down across the velveteen skin of her darling little cheek. “What will we name her?”

controlling myself not to requote everything back but T_T ok ok he's trying we love that for him <3 for her <3 for my mental stability

“It may be best for you to leave, my Prince,” he had murmured to your husband, laying out the instruments from his case as the midwives helped you strip to your shift and pull the sheets back. “This will be a wretched affair, I’m afraid.”

no you jobbernowl lunkhead fucking nincompoop MAN he does not get to fucking absolve himself of this just because the child didnt come out of his penis FUCK YOU HELL JAIL DICKWACKER

“I’m not leaving my wife,” Daemon had replied sternly.

only half correct. you need to kill him now DAEMON WAHT THE FUCK IS STOPPING YOU I DONT CARE

The rest is a blur. Through sweat and tears and the bestial sounds emanating from somewhere so deep inside you that you had not known it existed, the bed had become sticky and rank with the scent of copper and gore and terror. It had made you retreat into yourself, to a place where the increasingly regular paroxysms could not touch you, and you had found a sense of quiet and calm there. 

i see it. this was, i dont want to say beautifully written, but [sigh] beautifully written [jumps off a cliff]

What is her name? Kepa is waiting for an answer. 

You are at peace. All you can feel is love. “Aemma,” you say, cooing it down to your precious, still child.  She is no longer warm in your arms, little body tepid like the air in the chamber around you. You hold her closer, skin to skin, impressing your heat into her.  “Her name is Aemma.”

like the combination of these sentences [wailing crying sobbing so alone so sad so broken so T_T HELP ME]

i read fics like this and wonder what its like for actual mothers who've experienced it T_T i cry about my dead cat so much still even after so long . HE WAS A CAT. IMAGINE CARRYING A CHILD THE BLOOD OF YOUR BLOOD THE BLOOD OF THE BLOOD OF THE MAN YOU LOVED TOO AAWWWWWW FUCK THEN THEY JUST dont

they just

... never make it

ahhh i have school? I have placed to be? why did i read this?

WHY DID YOU WRITE THIS?

WHY DID I THINK AW YIS THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD COS SHE WROTE IT

NO??

I MEAN ITS NOT BAD

ITS HORRIBLE?

HELP ME????

i have to take a shower and cleanse myself and get ready now

[stares into the ocean] what is life

Hey! I love your writing. I was wondering if you'd be willing to write an AU blurb of Babey losing her unborn child? If not, that's okay! Thankyou!

Hey, nonnie! Sorry it's taken so long to get this one out - I PROMISE I keep all my requests and will probably get to them eventually. I was in the right headspace for this one, so I hope you like!

THIS IS AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE BLURB, DO NOT PANIC!!!

aemma (a 'terms of endearment' au)

GIF by @targaryenlaena

Your daughter is perfect.

Triggers: WARNING - MISCARRIAGE/STILLBIRTH, incest, age gap, purity culture.

She is so small, you think in wonder.

The sound of sniffling midwives is easy to ignore in the peace of the moment. In the wake of your efforts, all you can see is your babe. Cradling her red-slicked form close to your chest, you marvel at the downy-soft pale of her hair peeking through the viscera, the tiniest fingers and toes, the puckered mouth and the sweet button nose. You made this. She is perfect.

Why is she not breathing?

Your pains had started abruptly – too abruptly. You had thought your womb was ripping in two within you, such was the agony of the feeling. All you had done was pull yourself off the chaise to relieve your aching back, and suddenly your smallclothes were wet with dark and your body was turning itself inside out.

“Daemon!” you had squalled, scrabbling at the fabric between your legs.

When he ventured from his desk, you had noticed the curiosity in his expression turn to panic, to anger, to despair, and then blankness in dizzying speed. The hard line of his lips and the set of his brow had been akin to a man carved from stone as he barked for the guards to fetch the Maester, to retrieve the midwives, to seek out your sister.

“Sh,” he had soothed, hand on your back as he walked you to the bed. “You’re alright, sweetling. Just… just let it happen.”

You had not understood what he meant by it. What choice did you have? There had been very little control to wield in the throes of torment, and you were forced to your side on the mattress as you heaved for breath through the strain of it.

Daemon sits beside you, dispelling your absent pondering.

“What–” he stops, swallows. He reaches tentatively for the peach fuzz atop her head, fingers trembling through the silver moonshine and down across the velveteen skin of her darling little cheek. “What will we name her?”

One of the midwives sobs. The Maester drops something, and a loud clatter rings throughout the room. You bring your hand up to shield her delicate ears from the sound.

Gerardys was a great help, you muse. He had been grave-faced and resolute as he strode into your rooms, handily taking command of the gaggle of disconcerted staff milling about as you had moaned and shivered, prone.

“It may be best for you to leave, my Prince,” he had murmured to your husband, laying out the instruments from his case as the midwives helped you strip to your shift and pull the sheets back. “This will be a wretched affair, I’m afraid.”

“I’m not leaving my wife,” Daemon had replied sternly.

You had felt his eyes on you even through the teeth-chattering hurt that ignited like sparks in your bloodstream. Your belly clenched like a fist, forcing a pop and a stream of bloody fluid from between your legs. At your wail, he had looked away with a tense jaw.

“There’s no hope, then?”

Gerardys had paused. “It is too early,” he murmured, a look of such contrition and sorrow on his face that you had been overcome with the urge to reach forth and comfort him through your own pain.

The rest is a blur. Through sweat and tears and the bestial sounds emanating from somewhere so deep inside you that you had not known it existed, the bed had become sticky and rank with the scent of copper and gore and terror. It had made you retreat into yourself, to a place where the increasingly regular paroxysms could not touch you, and you had found a sense of quiet and calm there. 

All at once, her body had slipped from you with a gush, and the protracted silence had lingered for what feels like an age.

What is her name? Kepa is waiting for an answer. 

You lean into him, smiling faintly at the feel of his lips against your temple. He curls around you and the babe, grip a little too tight for comfort, but you do not mind.

You are at peace. All you can feel is love.

“Aemma,” you say, cooing it down to your precious, still child. 

She is no longer warm in your arms, little body tepid like the air in the chamber around you. You hold her closer, skin to skin, impressing your heat into her. 

“Her name is Aemma.”

I am sorry for this. 'TIS AN AU BLURB, NO MORE!

[thetrashywritingwitch]

“Be Still, Just for Me” Bakugo x Fem!Reader, Ch. 43

First Chapter

Previous Chapter

(all chapters are available in my masterlist!)

Summary: Bakugo Katsuki, a Pro Hero in Japan, is used to the routine: wake up, kick villain ass, rinse and repeat. He’s living his dream, soaking in all he’s ever wanted and worked for.

During the brief moment he lets his guard down, everything changes.

Tossed into a world without quirks with nothing but the clothes on his back, he’s forced to accept the help of someone who knows exactly who he is: a manga character who should definitely not exist.

Chapter length: 9k

Warnings: T+ (mild suggestive themes and mentions but nothing explicit)

Reminder that the A03, Wattpad, and Quotev links will be in a reblog so this post shows up in search results! They’re also in my profile header! <3

Co-written and plot mapped by @rose-sparks13

thanks to all my beta readers!!! <3

Chapter Title: Winter's Chill

_________________________________

"Do you know when they'll be back?"

Sitting on the couch in his living room, Midoriya bobbed his knee rapidly like the rabbit thumping while Kirishima leaned against the back with his arms crossed over his broad chest.

“Devin-san sent me a text before he left this morning, but that was a couple of hours ago… so hopefully soon,” Midoriya clarified while trying to tamp down his nerves. Ochaco had been gone a whole week after volunteering herself for this mission of sorts. He and the rest of their tiny friend group who knew about this covert operation had high hopes that she’d come back with optimistic news to help out Bakugo. "How is Kacchan doing, by the way?"

A tired grimace appeared, an expression that looked entirely foreign on Kirishima's normally bright face. "Man, he-"

A shimmer of light in the center of the room made him pause as Kirishima and Midoriya stared at the growing brightness of twinkling fairy lights. Jumping up with wide, eager eyes, Midoriya stood anxiously as two silhouettes slowly materialized right in front of their kotatsu.

Leaping forward with lightning reflexes, Midoriya caught Uraraka and Devin before they fell back on the heated table. “Woah! You’re back! Careful now-” Right as Kirishima came up to help Devin who seemed uneasy on his feet, Uraraka dropped the handle of her suitcase, covered her mouth with her hand, and stumbled around the corner and down the hallway. “Ochaco?! Kirishima-kun, look after Devin-san!” The redhead nodded as Midoriya followed his wife to make sure everything was alright.

“Take it easy,” Kirishima urged as he helped Devin lay down on the couch. “Looks like you guys made it back in one piece. Need anything?”

Devin groaned and adjusted the pillow behind his head. “Water, if you don’t mind. I knew what to expect, and still got knocked off my feet.”

“You got it. Don’t move.” While Kirishima rushed around the kitchen, Midoriya carefully held Uraraka’s long brown hair in his scarred hand while she heaved into the toilet.

“You’re home now.” His voice was light and his words comforting as he wondered what all happened while they were separated. Devin mentioned that they both felt sick after arriving in the other universe, so maybe weakness and nausea were unfortunate side effects of travelling so far.

After a few minutes, a light knock came from the other side of the bathroom door. “You guys OK?”

“We’re fine, Kirishima-kun,” he answered while Uraraka wiped her face with a damp cloth. “Be out in a few minutes.” Assuming Kirishima was satisfied with that answer and had walked away to tend to their guest, Midoriya placed a tentative hand on his wife’s back. “How are you feeling?”

“Better now. I didn’t even eat much, but I should’ve anticipated it since the same thing happened when Devin-san first transported us to (y/n)-san’s apartment.” She tossed the dirty rag in the hamper before turning to face her concerned husband with a tired smile. “I missed you, Izuku.”

That’s all the consent he needed to wrap her up in his arms and bury his freckled face in the crook of her neck. “I missed you too, ‘Chaco. You’ll have to tell me everything that happened, but let’s check on Devin-san first.”

They found him resting on the couch with an almost-empty glass of water while Kirishima typed away on his phone nearby before looking up, red eyes scanning Uraraka for signs of distress. Still, he plastered on a grin out of habit. “Hey, guys. I take it you’re not feeling too great, Uraraka? From what Devin explained, the ride gets a little bumpy.”

Midoriya noticed the way she stiffened ever so slightly at Kirishima’s innocent question before letting out an airy chuckle. “Ah, yes, Devin-san’s right. I think he gets the worst of it, though. With my quirk, I’m more used to nausea, so maybe that has something to do with it.”

Reluctantly letting go of Uraraka’s hand, Midoriya stood in front of Devin and expressed his gratitude with a bow. “Thank you for all you’ve done for us, Devin-san. Rest here as long as you need to.”

“You guys gotta stop bowin’ to me,” he grumbled from the couch. “Just let me rest my eyes for a bit and I’ll be out of your hair. I’m sure y’all got a lot to talk about.”

Before he was able to do just that, Kirishima piped up worriedly. “Wait! Do you still have the note? I gotta sneak that back into Bakugo’s apartment before he really snaps.”

“Yup, right here.” Devin dug into the front pocket of his jeans and pulled out the folded note for Kirishima. “We got something to replace it, so I won’t need it for next time.”

“So Bakugo-kun knows it’s missing?” Uraraka stepped forward as Kirishima carefully tucked the note into a pocket hidden in the inner lining of his coat.

“It’s not like he told us or anything since we technically don’t know about the note, but his mood took a 180 turn about two days after you left. Considering I’m not dead yet, he doesn’t suspect I took it,” he explained with a heavy sigh. “He’s on patrol with Mar right now, and I start mine in a few hours, so I’m about to head home and put it back.”

What Kirishima said was true; the scowl that had gradually faded since revealing the truth about everything to them reappeared with a vengeance. Of course, Midoriya asked what was wrong when he noticed his friend's short temper and snippy language - which for Bakugo was saying something - but he just brushed Midoriya off with a "none of your business." Poor Mar had to bear the brunt of it for most of the week, and as far as they knew, the kid was still in the dark about the truth behind their mentor's disappearance. Maybe they could take Mar out for lunch as an apology…

"Do what you need to do, Kirishima-kun. We can talk about where to go from here later." After saying goodbye to everyone, the redhead hurried out to catch the next train into the city.

Midoriya turned back to Devin only to find him fast asleep on the couch. A gentle tug on his sleeve pulled his attention back to Uraraka as she motioned for him to follow her down the hallway. Once they were alone, she grabbed his hands and nervously looked up into his bright green eyes. "Izuku, there's something I need to tell you…"

As the train barreled down the tracks, stability handles swaying in rhythm to the turns and gentle bumps, Kirishima stared down at his phone conversation with Mar.

The metal felt cool against the back of his head as Kirishima stared up at the bolts in the train ceiling and sighed. He still felt so guilty for taking such a sentimental item, but he hoped Uraraka's trip would make all their planning and secrets worthwhile.

People gradually filled the train, eyes tired as most of them headed off to work or school with briefcases and laptop bags. Of course, Kirishima couldn't get out of riding public transit without at least one person recognizing him; unlike Bakugo, he usually didn’t mind, though.

"Um, are you Red Riot?"

A small voice came from his right. Two girls in school uniforms stood huddled together between an older man in an ill-fitting suit and another guy with his eyes glued to the screen of his phone. They both stared at him, one looking more shy than excited as she partly hid behind her presumed classmate, with the familiar glaze of running into someone famous doing something everyone else did as if he didn’t ride the train just like the rest of them.

Brushing aside his thoughts of Bakugo, Kirishima smiled up at the two girls. “Yep, that’s me!”

“Ohmygosh, I told you!”

“S-shut up! Just, here!” The timid girl shoved a notebook covered in stickers into her friend’s arms before retreating back to her small hiding spot that didn’t really hide her at all.

They bickered in whispered tones for a second before the taller one in the front presented him with the baby blue notebook and a pen with a panda-bear shaped eraser. “Um, would you mind signing in here for my friend?”

Autographs were simple so long as people didn’t swarm him. “No problem,” he said while taking the notebook and pen. He flipped it open in his lap and saw the signatures of various other Heroes they’d probably chased down or waited in line for during a meet-and-greet. “If you tell me your name, it’ll be extra personal.” He directed his question towards the shy girl who stiffened before her friend nudged her with her elbow.

“Ow- umm… y-you can make it out t-to… Misa…” He really didn’t think of himself as “famous” or whatever, let alone intimidating to anyone who wasn’t acting villainous, so it always felt jarring to see anyone nervous around him.

“You got it, Misa.” Scribbling between two other signatures, he wrote a little note before handing it back over to its owner right as the train slowed to a stop.

Realizing it was their stop, the two students hurried out towards the platform, but not before Misa waved at him with a, “thank you, Red Riot-san!” She was pulled along by her friend as they disappeared when new strangers replaced them on the train.

In the ten minutes it took to arrive at the station closest to his apartment building, Kirishima signed four more autographs for people who recognized him.

“Alright, gotta run, busy day ahead!” He waved off the folks on the train while stepping onto the platform and hurried along before he got caught up in more distractions. “Still have some time, but better not push it.”

As he took out his key card to enter the building, Bakugo’s note fell out of his pocket and was nearly swept away on a chilly gust of wind. “Shiiiit, no, no, no!” Several people stepped back when he literally dove down onto the folded piece of paper like a cat catching a mouse. “Uh… nothing to see here! It’s cool!” Digging his knees into the cold sidewalk, Kirishima stood up awkwardly, hands protectively wrapped around the note, and managed to make it into the apartment lobby without further incident.

“Ah, good morning Red Riot.” Kirishima turned around to see Takahata sitting at the front desk like usual. The guy really deserved some time off.

“Morning,” he said while trying and failing to stealthily slip the paper back into his coat pocket. “Got a question for ya, though. Has uh, Bakugo come back from patrol yet?”

Takahata subtly raised an eyebrow at Kirishima’s question. “Dynamight? Don’t tell me you’re planning on breaking down another door-”

“Noo, no! Pfft, no. That was definitely a one time thing,” he insisted while leaning against the front desk as casually as possible. “Just curious since I’m about to go on patrol myself, that’s all.”

He flashed Takahata the shark-toothed grin of his that usually melted most gullible folks, but Takahata wasn’t a pushover having been a Hero once himself. “That so,” he said knowing full well that the large man with fire-bright hair had some ulterior motive outside of simple curiosity. Still, he had to admit that Dynamight’s deep frown had returned after just a few short weeks of curt familiarity. With a sigh, Takahata conceded. Red Riot seemed to have his friend’s best interests at heart, at least.

“No, Red Riot. Dynamight has not come back since leaving for what I assume was an overnight patrol,” he answered while glancing at his computer screen. Every resident had a unique key card that signaled exactly who came in or out and when. The explosive Hero’s card passed through the front doors just once in the past eight hours.

“Thanks a bunch, Takahata. Take it easy!” Kirishima gave him a thumbs-up before scurrying away towards the elevator. They were all going to force Takahata into retirement with the dramatic bullshit they’d been putting him through; maybe he could get the guy a thank you gift…? Or would an apology gift be more appropriate?

When the elevator doors opened to reveal Bakugo’s floor, Kirishima stepped out with his keys. “Really surprised he didn’t take the key away from me yet… if he ever finds out about this, he’ll probably change his locks.” To be fair, it would be completely reasonable considering the huge breach of privacy.

Despite what Takahata said, Kirishima still entered the apartment with extreme caution and alertness. Even with all the lights off, he could tell that something appeared off in the room. Bakugo was always meticulous with organization and everything having a proper place; it was something that drove him crazy when he and Bakugo were roommates.

Minor things appeared out of place as he flicked on the light. His normally neat shelves were untidy. The couch looked crooked as if someone shoved it aside. Only when he reached Bakugo's bedroom did Kirishima understand: he'd been searching high and low for something only a tiny handful of people knew he would not find.

To anyone that didn’t know Bakugo, they’d think the room was fairly average with a normal amount of lived-in clutter. However, to Kirishima, the signs that his friend had probably torn his room apart were obvious. Unmade bed. Open drawers with papers and clothes hanging out. The closet door open, empty and occupied hangers laying on the floor. Even the bag he’d come home with lay open and overturned in the corner. Yeah, he’d definitely been searching for the note like a madman.

Now, where to put it to make it seem like he’d just overlooked it…?

Sliding it back into the dictionary was out of the question since he was sure Bakugo had flipped through every individual page searching for the note. Maybe he could just… drop it under his bed or dresser or something?!

“Man, I can only blame myself,” he mumbled while scanning the room. He couldn’t take forever to find the perfect spot, so in the end, he settled on sliding the note - after smoothing it out as much as possible - under the nightstand with just a tiny corner visible if you really looked. “Hopefully, this is good enough. Now, time to forget this ever happened.”

Easier said than done.

“Hey… hey! Don’t fucking fall asleep yet.” Bakugo’s gruff voice cut through Mar’s hazy fog, snapping them back to attention while they nearly stumbled over a snowball left on the sidewalk.

“Sorry! I’m not used to overnight shifts yet…” A yawn escaped them before Bakugo turned around to glare, prompting the clack of teeth as their jaw snapped shut. “And it’s so cold…”

However much Mar hated the cold, Katsuki hated it more. It hindered his quirk, chilled his skin, and overall aggravated his already grouchy mood. He didn’t need the happy holiday spirit or wintertime joy or whatever the fuck everyone else seemed to latch onto.

All Katsuki wanted was to know he hadn’t fucking lost something he’d sworn to cherish.

He’d been feeling alright about things since telling his dumb friends the truth. Sure, it still hurt and disgrace still followed him around like a loose thread he couldn’t clip, but he could live with it; Katsuki didn’t have a choice.

But it seemed like the universe carried some kind of cruel grudge against him. He kept everything hidden, but close by and within reach in the drawer next to his bed. Well, everything except for the apron and chopsticks which were out of sight in his kitchen.

As he sat on his bed one night, he rubbed at his tired eyes and pulled open the drawer, his calloused fingers brushing over the glossy paper cover of the dictionary where he kept your note and photos tucked away between the pages. Selfishness clouded his mind on those nights when he just wanted to remember and reminisce in solitude and silence.

Sliding a finger where the corner page was bent down, Katsuki opened the dictionary under the singular lamp in his room and frowned. Something was missing. Maybe it ended up between different pages somehow, so he flipped through the entire book and shook it, expecting the folded piece of paper to fall into his lap.

When it didn’t, his scowl deepened.

By the next morning, his room looked as though it had been robbed as he spent hours turning everything upside down in search of the note. It wasn’t in the drawer, or the bag, or under any of his furniture. Not in any of the, now inside-out, pockets of his pants or jackets. He’d even dumped the contents of his trashcan all over the floor and sifted through it with gritted teeth. It was like the damn thing just vanished into thin air, and Katsuki rarely misplaced anything. Something felt off, but he had no proof. No one knew about the note because he’d never shown it to his overly nosy friends.

If he asked them about it, and they were clueless, it would just make him look paranoid and distrustful. He’d shunned them enough as it was and was in no hurry to feel isolated again by throwing around accusations. Fighting came as naturally as breathing to Katsuki, but he just wanted a fucking break for once.

So, rather than track them down for answers that potentially didn’t exist, he just sunk back into his tried and true hermetic mood when around others and continued scouring his apartment from top to bottom for something he swore was there one day and gone the next.

As Katsuki and Mar finished their patrol through the snowy streets of Tokyo, he tucked his chin further into the high-neck hood of his uniform every time they passed some disgusting holiday display. In Japan, the winter holidays were more a time for romance and couples than anything else. While he normally didn’t care and ignored the commercialized affection, seeing happy people holding hands and gift suggestions plastered in shop windows just fueled his irritation.

Would you see your parents for the holidays? Did you have yearly traditions? If you were able to exchange gifts, would you like what he picked out? Or would the sentiment be enough?

A yelp coming from his right halted his mental spiraling as he went right into Hero mode. So long as Katsuki kept moving, he didn’t have to think of what it meant to be still.

Warmth from the office thawed his face as they walked out of the cold once their patrol was finally done. Katsuki’s nose and ears were tipped red, and had he been in a more lighthearted state of mind, Mar would’ve no doubt commented on that fact.

“"El calor es mi salvación! (Warmth, my salvation!)” Katsuki rolled his eyes at his sidekick’s dramatics, but couldn’t fault the kid for wanting out of the winter wonderland outside. Even though he only knew a bit of Spanish he’d picked up along the way, the gist was obvious.

Walking through the hallways of the agency building, Katsuki felt eyes on him and was thrown back in time to when he first came back home. People tiptoeing around him and avoiding his path like skittering prey, hiding but watchful of a stalking threat.

Dumping his damp and frigid costume off to the side, Katsuki stepped into the steaming hot shower in the locker room to thaw his skin. He breathed in the heat as it cleared his nose and filled his scarred chest with warmth.

His reflection looked back at him from the slick shower wall as he wiped his hand across the misty condensation before it fogged back up again. For a split second, an illusion of you - bare for him and only him - appeared before him in the mist, smiling coyly with mischief in your eyes… and then he blinked and you were gone like a siren attempting to drown him with flittering desire.

There was something he truly despised admitting to himself, something he didn't think he'd miss as much as he did, but there was no denying it as he ran a tense hand down his dripping face.

Katsuki missed physical intimacy, and that embarrassing fact no doubt added to his short temper.

He’d never cared before because the satisfaction that everyone boasted about just wasn’t there for him early on; but now, during these cold nights laying in a bed that never felt so big, his fantasies and dreams ran wild and wanting behind closed eyes. Your trailing fingers, your singsong voice, your confident kisses, the way you crawled under his skin to pry him open and exposed… no amount of reasoning with himself could deny this frustrating need.

Lip twitching as water wove down his scarred back, Katsuki decided that finishing up his work here and getting home to sleep away his troubles under his kotatsu was the best thing to do. “So stupid…”

Body wound up like a coil, Katsuki walked out of the locker room and towards his office to summarize the patrol with boring paperwork, but Mar called out to him from behind. “Um, Bakugo-senpai? Can we-”

“Heeey, man! You look exhausted.” Kirishima seemed to appear out of nowhere as he waltzed down the center of the room carrying warm energy as though he hadn’t just come out of the snow himself. Before he reached Bakugo whose hand rested on the door handle of his office, Kirishima patted Mar on the shoulder in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. “I’ll chat with him,” he whispered out of the corner of his mouth before walking forward and attempting to usher Bakugo into his office.

“The hell have you been? Don’t you have patrol soon?”

Kirishima ignored Bakugo’s scratchy growling without flinching. “Good morning to you too, sunshine. And y’know, sleeping. What else?” A rhetorical question the redhead assumed his friend had no prepared smartmouth answer for. “Anyway, can we chat real quick before you head out? Cool.” Not bothering to wait for an answer, Kirishima managed to corral Bakugo into the office like a trainer cornering a hissing cat before closing the door behind him. “We gotta talk.”

“The fuck is your problem?” Turning back around to face him, Bakugo paused when he saw a frown had replaced Kirishima’s early morning smile. “Talk about what?”

He sighed while tugging the gloves off his hands. “Not what, but who. I know the past few months have been a lot, but you can’t take it out on Mar; you’ll scare the kid away when you know they look up to you.”

That obviously hadn’t been what Bakugo was expecting judging by his creased brow. “You sayin’ I’m a bad mentor? They wouldn’t have come here and I wouldn’t have accepted them if I didn’t think they could stick it out.” He held something back from his testimony, probably something Kirishima knew he didn’t want to openly admit.

“I’m saying to give them some slack. Have you even told them about-”

“No, I haven’t,” he ground out with a curled lip. “Why the hell would I tell Mar something that isn’t their business? I told you and the other nosy idiots because I’ve known you for years. There’s no reason for them to know. Why the fuck are you invested in how Mar sees me, anyway?”

No matter how wound up Bakugo became, Kirishima always remained a steady, immovable rock. “Because they texted me this morning concerned that something’s wrong with how you’ve been acting. If you wanna punch out your frustrations, don’t do it around someone who’s just as impressionable as we were as teenagers.”

The fact that Mar complained in a roundabout way to Kirishima behind Bakugo’s back drove things home by the way his eyes widened, but his face returned to his exhausted scowl just a moment later. Turning away with a huff, Bakugo rounded his desk and sat down with a heavy thud, leaning back to stare at Kirishima once more. A wave of guilt washed over Kirishima again as he scrutinized just how tired his friend looked. At least the note was back where it belonged for Bakugo to find.

"I know I've been a giant pain in the ass lately. I'll talk to Mar." An air of finality surrounded the statement as Bakugo essentially ended any further discussion.

It was probably as good an answer as he was going to get. Placing a hand on the doorknob, Kirishima looked back at his friend and said, "It'll get easier. And you're not alone." Before he could retort, the redhead slid out of the office and left him alone with a shallow click.

The snow outside blanketed everything in white satin. Calm and pleasant were descriptors that no doubt came to mind for most people observing kids having snowball fights and people wrapping fluffy scarves around them to shield out the cold. But staring out the barely-open blinds of his office window, Katsuki hated it. Or maybe he just hated himself and was projecting.

Kirishima was right and he knew it. He obsessed so much over someone that wasn't even here that it was only a matter of time before the resentment trickled down into his current relationships. Misplacing the note just closed him off again, but Mar didn't understand why and that was the problem. What if-

A knock at his office door broke Katsuki's train of thought. "Who is it?"

"Mar. Are you busy?" Since when did they care if he was busy or not? They normally just barged into his office. This didn't bode well.

Opening his laptop to make it look like work was actually getting done, Katsuki yelled for Mar to come in. When he looked up, he immediately noticed the closed off body language as they twirled a strand of dark curly hair, something they explained early on was a nervous habit. "Guessing you wanna chat about something?"

"Um, yeah… so you remember that I'm going back home to Puerto Rico next week, right?"

Katsuki paused before nodding. Yeah, he remembered having a conversation about this with Mar a while back. They missed their family and home, so giving them some proper time off seemed fair. Teenagers now deserved the luxury he wasn't allowed a decade ago.

"Yeah, I remember. And you won't be back until after the New Year, right?"

Mar rocked on the heels of their snow boots. "About that… I… I dunno if I'll be coming back."

That made Katsuki freeze and furrow his brows as he scrutinized the uncharacteristically nervous kid across the room. "What do you mean you might not come back?"

"It's just!" Mar tugged on the sides of the knitted beanie covering their ears and took a step closer to Katsuki's desk. "You've been through a lot this year. With you disappearing and stuff and I didn't know what to do while you were gone and then you came back and were, like, all angry and sad and stuff and I felt like I was annoying or whatever and didn't know how to help, and then you kinda returned to normal for a while… but I feel like a burden because maybe you need time for yourself and you're so busy that maybe I should just stay home because I'm not a good enough sidekick yet or something…"

The whole time Mar rambled, Katsuki watched them pace back and forth across the room while waving their hands around expressively and throwing in the occasional bit of Spanish. By the end, Kirishima's words really sunk in: he'd let the kid down and more than feeling disappointed in himself, knew you'd be disappointed in him, too.

Hopefully, it wasn't too late to try and fix this.

"Mar," he asserted, using their name to get them to keep still and pay attention to what he was about to admit. “As much as I want to say you’re an idiot for all of what you just said, I think I’m the bigger idiot right now. And I’m gritting my teeth saying that, by the way.” His bottom lip poked out and chin wrinkled to prove he wasn’t full of shit.

“Yeah, I was gone for a month and I know that left you in a weird spot. The fact that you stuck it out and continued doing what you needed to do speaks volumes about your dedication and potential as a Hero. It… wasn’t fair to keep you out of what was going on when it was affecting you directly,” Katsuki confessed with a tired sigh as his hand relaxed and tensed on instinct. “My problems don’t reflect badly on you. I took a chance on you, and I haven’t been the best mentor; hell, I’m still figuring out what the hell that even means. If you choose not to come back, I get it. But I don’t want you to think you don’t belong here with the rest of us.”

His own sidekick choosing not to return to Japan would be the epitome of failure to Katsuki. It never should have reached this point, but now he faced damage control to try and convince the teenager that none of this was their fault. Fucking shameful.

This whole time, Mar just stood there frozen in place like a wax figurine positioned mid-conversation. It took the Pro Hero’s chair rolling across the floor as he stood up to snap the kid out of it. “You… really mean all that stuff, Bakugo-senpai? I-I mean, I didn’t really want to leave forever, I just…” Katsuki balked when he heard a sniffle. “I didn’t wanna hold you back.”

“Oh my god,” he mumbled under his breath while tiredly wiping a hand down his face. “Since when do I bullshit around with this kind of stuff? Yeah, I meant it. I’ve been distracted, and that’s not fair to you or why you’re here.” With heavy steps, Katsuki walked around his desk to stand in front of Mar who looked so incredibly young; they still had so much growing to do, but so did he. A sweaty, calloused hand came up and patted Mar on the top of their head. “You’ve done good, kid. Still got some stuff to learn, but you’re getting there.”

Without warning, Mar lifted their arms parallel to the ground before leaning forward to give Katsuki a hug. He immediately stiffened like a board, groaned, and patted their head again albeit more awkwardly this time. “Alright, alright, don’t get sappy on me,” he chided, though he made no attempt to push Mar away.

“Lo siento." Mar pulled away and rocked on the heels of their boots with a stupid grin on their face and dark curls hanging down past their beanie. "Thank you, Bakugo-senpai. Like, really. So long as my mom lets me leave, then I'll definitely be coming back here."

Katsuki brushed himself off as if Mar left behind invisible cooties. "Your mom? Does she nag you like mine does?"

"Nagging? No, less nagging and more crying because she didn't want me to move away. I have two brothers and a sister still at home, but I'm the first in our house to leave Puerto Rico. So more protective I guess?” They shrugged. “Anyway… thanks for listening and understanding and stuff. I’m gonna go catch the train-”

“Wait.” Mar turned back to Katsuki as he huffed through his flared nostrils. The kid left home to come to a foreign country where they didn’t know anyone and had to adapt on the fly… alright, maybe they weren’t polar opposites after all. He also thought back to when Kirishima would rattle off his time with Fatgum and Suneater and how he’d take them out for food as a bonding experience. Or something. Dedication to change without actionable evidence was just manipulation and lip service, and Katsuki couldn’t tolerate that.

“You have plans for dinner tomorrow?”

“Uh, no?”

“Then we’re going to that dumpling place you mentioned that one time. A send-off before you fly out of here. And…” He hesitated, but knew it was the correct choice. “I’ll tell you what happened while I was away.” Mar deserved to know - a summarized version, anyway - considering all the bullshit he put them through.

Their eyes lit up like the annoying holiday lights outside. “Really?! Aaaah, thank you, Bakugo-senpai!! OK, um, this all went way better than I thought it would, so… I’m gonna go before I ruin it.”

“Too late.” Walking forward, Katsuki grabbed the front of their sweater and grabbed the little tag that had been sticking out the entire conversation. “Put your fucking shit on the right way, then we’ll talk about your future career.”

“Oh, I mean… this is mild and definitely not the first time I’ve done it,” they admitted with a nonchalant shrug. “Adiós! Get some rest so you’re less grumpy!”

“YOU LITTLE-” Before Katsuki could strangle his snarky sidekick, Mar bolted out of the room and accidentally slammed the door behind them, yelling an apology through the walls. His curled lip deflated as he threw his arms wide and plopped back down behind his desk. “Is this what babysitting is like? Rotten little brat.”

The insult was cloaked in endearment.

An hour later, Katsuki left the office bundled up in jackets and scarves and headed towards the train station. Cold wind stung his eyes as his boots crunched under dry snowfall; the sooner he got home, the sooner he could eat some hot leftovers and sleep through the day even if it meant screwing up his sleep schedule for a bit. He rarely ever agreed to overnight patrols, but he figured it would be good for Mar to experience vigilance at night.

A crying baby on the train made him sink deeper into his scarf as its parent tried and failed to console it. Yeah, he found kids more tolerable as he matured, but the crying and screaming he could do without.

Maybe I should think more seriously about a motorcycle or something to avoid this shit…

Luckily, his apartment was only a few stops away. Eager to get off the train but not trudge back through the annoying snow, Katsuki shuffled along at a quick pace with his gloved hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jacket while he wove between people meandering around on the sidewalk. “Fucking snow. Fucking cold. Disgusting.”

As soon as he stepped through the sliding front door to the building, Katsuki shook snowflakes out of his hair and shivered.

“Welcome back, Dynamight.” Takahata called from behind his desk like he always did. If one thing in his life remained constant, it was the head of security who had been there before he even moved in. “Overnight patrol go well?”

“If freezing my ass off means going well, then yeah, something like that,” he admitted while pushing the thick scarf under his chin. Once inside his apartment, he could eat and sleep and wind down for the remainder of the day.

But when Katsuki unlocked his door and walked inside, he was greeted with the reminder of something lost. After the wakeup calls from Kirishima and Mar, he winced at the messy state of things. Maybe he just needed to accept that the note had somehow disappeared for good and finally move forward properly with his life to the best of his ability.

His boots dripped melting snow onto the genkan as he shrugged off his heavy coat and scarf. He promised himself to finally straighten things up after he ate and slept, but there was something he needed to do first.

With his kotatsu warming up, he ignored the disheveled state of his room, yanked open the drawer of the bedside table - not the same one where he kept his sentimental items - and pulled out what he wanted before stalking into his master bathroom and barricading himself inside despite living alone.

Doing this anywhere other than the safety and privacy of his own home made his skin crawl, but letting out his pent up sexual frustration before it got the better of him was definitely the right move. Katsuki conjured up that same image of you earlier, swallowing up imaginary sounds and touches and visual delights.

You were a fantasy that used to be reality, and now all he could wrap his calloused fingers around were cold, tile walls and seductive memories. Vexing annoyance didn’t begin to describe getting to this point ever since returning home two months ago. Like so many other things, there wasn’t much he could do about it.

Letting out a shaky sigh when all was said and done, Katsuki relaxed his warm skin against the cool wall of his shower and let his eyes close for a few minutes before cleaning up and wrapping a towel around his waist. When he stepped back into his bedroom, he rubbed at his tired eyes and figured it was as good a time as any to begin reorganizing things. Well, some of it, anyway.

The first thing he did was straighten up the bed and toss the clothes laying around on the floor into their respective hampers or drawers. Next, Katsuki pushed his nightstand to properly sit against the wall, but froze when he looked down at his feet. There, laying on the floor as though it had always been there, was a distinctly familiar piece of folded paper.

Are you fucking serious? Bending down so quickly he accidentally banged his head on the edge of the nightstand, he cursed as he snatched up the paper and unfolded it. Sure enough, your handwriting stared back at him. But how?! He’d torn this place apart the past week looking for it; the moved nightstand proved that he’d already looked here. So…?

Something didn’t add up. The suspicion that someone was toying with him slightly overshadowed the relief that flooded him upon knowing this small, sentimental treasure wasn’t permanently lost. As much as he wanted to hypothesize about what the hell was going on, his stomach growled in that moment, urging him to shove some food into his face. “Yeah, yeah… I’ll think about this later,” he grumbled while tucking the note back into the safety of the dictionary pages.

While warm rice steamed in the rice cooker and leftovers simmered on the stove,Katsuki knelt down in front of his TV, with the box set you'd given him in hand and a scowl on his face. Somehow, the player refused to recognize the disk and displayed an error message. The technology probably wasn't compatible, something he didn't even consider when he reluctantly agreed to take it home.

"Fucking figures. Can't catch a break." Frustrated that he'd never know how the damn anime ended, he put the box set among his others in a drawer next to the TV. Once the food was done, Katsuki filled his bowl, sat down under the warm blanket draped over the kotatsu, and picked at his food with the chopsticks you gave him while scrolling through his phone.

But his mind kept wandering back to the mysteriously reappearing note. If there was one thing anyone might claim about Katsuki - besides that he was a hard-headed asshole - it was that he was ridiculously observant. Well, so long as he gave a damn about what he actually wanted to remember. Misplacing something important just didn't happen on his watch, which only left some outside force as an explanation.

The more he thought about it, the angrier he became when he was supposed to feel relaxed in his warm apartment. What would someone want with something only significant to him? It had to have been one of his stupid friends, of course, since no one outside of that tiny group knew about you or the personal things he brought back with him. However, he knew that he never mentioned the note to any of them. What would they want with it? And why return it after a week to make it look like he was dumb enough to misplace it?

Maybe it was the exhaustion talking, but when he realized his bowl was empty, Katsuki let it clatter against the top of the kotatsu before burying himself up to his chin underneath the blanket. He’d been giving himself headaches from overthinking and stressing the past few months. His eyes began to drift shut and the back of his head hit the couch cushion as he stared at the blank space of wall above his mounted TV that he rarely used.

Was being pissed and suspicious worth the effort? If you were here, you’d probably tell him that the material things were less important than shared memories which no one could take from him. If you were here…

Things would be so incredibly different. But you weren’t, and nothing could change that. Still, he vowed to hide his things in a different spot just for his own peace of mind.

Things would be easier once the holidays were over and the cold weather disappeared. He hoped you were safe, warm, happy, and doing far better than he was to avoid shared misery. Tomorrow will be better, Katsuki thought to himself as he closed his eyes and let himself drift off to sleep with only the artificial warmth of the kotatsu and the promise of something better to comfort him.

One week before Christmas…

Katsuki tucked his chin into his scarf as he sat in the back corner of the noodle shop, nodding with his eyes at the waitress as a steaming cup of green tea was placed in front of him.

"Where the hell is she? Haven't got all day," he mumbled, crimson eyes staring towards the front of the shop with impatience.

For whatever reason, Uraraka has asked to meet with him if he had a speck of time available in his busy schedule. Just a few days prior, she and Deku had pulled him and most of their mutual friends together - some of whom no longer lived in Tokyo or even Japan - into a mass video call with some big news to share. He was only halfway paying attention to the call with 20+ people talking over each other when everyone went silent to let the hosts talk, their faces squished into a single phone camera screen.

"We uh, won't keep you all long, but we figured it was important to announce it here before word inevitably gets out into the public." That grabbed Katsuki's attention as he glanced down at his phone screen from atop a skyscraper high above the city while he rocked back and forth on the insulated heels of his boots.

Uraraka looked incredibly nervous as she spoke. “Well, we… we wanted to announce that we’re expecting!"

"Expecting what?" A collection of snickers and sighs erupted from the phone speaker at Todoroki's obliviousness.

"Oh my god, really?! A baby!" Ashido squeaked in disbelief while half of the call participants, Katsuki included, stared in dumbfounded silence.

Well, damn. That really was some unexpected news. Most Heroes didn't attempt the commitments of family due to the life-threatening aspects of their jobs. Leaving a widowed spouse or kids behind wasn't exactly a great selling point, but if there was anyone more stubborn and determined to survive no matter the shitty circumstance than Katsuki, it was Deku.

Once the shock wore off, others in the call offered up congratulations for the beaming couple in the upper left corner of the screen. A few people were immediately called away since they were also on patrol and had emergencies to take care of while others remained on the call to poke and prod with questions.

"How far along are you?"

"Is there a due date yet?"

"I don't mind babysitting!"

He'd leave the babysitting duty to other volunteers. Yeah, he was getting better at interacting with kids, but he wasn't exactly jumping at the opportunity to be the first pick at birthday parties and autograph events; there were far more important things higher up on Katsuki's list of shit he wanted to excel in.

"Deku, Uraraka," he finally said as the others slowly quieted down. "Congrats on the kid. Parenting seems like its own different kind of fight, but if you’re the one raising ‘em, then I think the brat will turn out alright.”

“Bakugo! Man, don’t call their unborn child a brat,” Kirishima nagged, but Katsuki just scoffed.

“Takes one to know one.”

"What was that, Pinky?!"

About ten seconds of bickering was all Uraraka could take, apparently. "The only children on this call should be our unborn child," she chided, effectively shutting them up. "Anyway, we just wanted to let our closest friends know. This is all very recent news, so there isn't much in the way of plans yet…"

"I would love to help you plan a baby shower if you plan to have one, Uraraka-san," Yaoyozoru offered in her politest tone. Katsuki took that as his cue to bail, so he gave his curt goodbyes with a wave of his gauntleted hand and hung up.

As he was thinking back on that moment while wondering about the reason Uraraka wanted to meet with him, someone called his name.

"Bakugo-kun. I hope you weren't waiting long." Uraraka brushed snow from her jacket before sitting down across from him. Speak of the devil.

"You're lucky my tea's still hot," he answered before sipping from his cup. "Better have a good reason to bring me all the way out here when it's cold as shit outside."

She knew to just ignore his snark at this point, so she didn't bother answering and began rummaging around in her purse for something. "Call it an early Christmas gift, though it's not from me."

Katsuki frowned as she slid something across the table towards him. A jar filled with what looked like slop, with a red ribbon tied around the top, sloshed around until the unknown substance levelled out. He just glared at the jar before flicking his eyes up to Uraraka's pleased smile.

"The fuck is this? Looks disgusting."

Her grin didn't waver. "Maybe to most people, but you will probably like it. I ran into a big fan of yours who wanted me to give this homemade hot sauce to you."

That just made his sneer deepen. "A fan? And why the hell would I risk eating some unknown crap made by a stranger?"

Her face dropped the tiniest bit at his hard headedness. "If you think it's poison or something, I guarantee it's not because I tried it; I blame it on my pregnancy brain since I don't normally like spicy food too much…"

Alright, that managed to snag his attention. Katsuki grabbed the unlabeled jar and turned it over in his hand. He was exaggerating for the sake of being a dick by comparing it to slop since it didn’t look much different than the store-bought sauces he frequently picked up; at least in this one, he could see flecks of chopped food and spices compared to the uniform color of the manufactured bottles.

“Why would someone give this to you instead of sending it to my agency? God knows the weirdest shit winds up on my desk. In comparison, this is pretty tame.”

She pressed the pads of her fingers together as her arms rested on the table and said, “Well, let's just say that due to weird circumstances, it was just easier to give it to me directly. I promised that I’d get it to you, so here we are.”

“That right?” he mused while twisting off the lid and taking a strong whiff. Just the scent alone burned his nostrils, which sent a jolt of intrigue to his salivating tongue. Hot sauce would be the perfect thing with this shitty weather…

And just like that, he stuck a finger into the jar, coated it up to the first knuckle in sauce, and stuck it in his mouth. If he got sick, Uraraka was his witness.

Something… he wasn't sure what, but a spark of familiarity seemed to sprint from his taste buds all the way down to his toes. Brows furrowing, he let the flavor roll around in his mouth, the tang of the peppers mixing with the spices and consistency of the sauce melted into not the best, yet definitely not the worst thing he’s tried; the heat level was pretty damn intense, too.

Why did this remind him of…?

“Did this fan give you a name?”

“Um, I think she’d prefer to stay anonymous…how does it taste?” Why did Uraraka look so fidgety over this? Maybe it was a pregnancy thing, or maybe she was hiding something.

Narrowing his eyes, Katsuki replaced the lid and leaned back in his seat. “You said you tried it, didn’t you? So you know how it tastes.”

“All I could taste was spicy! I don’t know how you eat this kind of thing so calmly all the time," she admitted with a scrunched-up nose. "But I just came here to give this to you, so-"

"Did Deku tell you?"

She stopped mid-sentence and stared as if she didn't know exactly what he was talking about. "Tell me what?"

"Don't play dumb. I know he blabbed to you about me as soon as he got the chance. Yet you haven't said a damn thing about it," he accused before taking a sip of his cooling tea.

Uraraka seemed to squirm in her seat before deflating with a soft sigh and eyes that held pity he didn't really want. "Yeah, you're right. Izuku did tell me most of what went on, but considering you didn't tell me yourself, I didn't want to pry when I figured I knew all I needed to. I didn't approve of them breaking your door, though."

He hummed to himself while staring at the neatly-tied bow around the lip of the jar. “That mean you aren’t going to interrogate me? No questions about what happened?"

"Do you want me to ask questions?"

"Fuck no."

"Then I won't."

Some stupid part of him actually wanted to talk about you to someone else, someone who could give him some new insight into the shit that made his head spin, but not right now, and especially not in in such a public location; maybe after the holidays were over he'd reconsider.

"Oh, one more thing before I go," she said while slinging the strap of her bag over her shoulder. "We're having a small holiday party on New Year's Eve if you'd like to come. We won't make you, though."

Katsuki scoffed. "As if you could make me do anything." Everyone knew he wasn't exactly fond of parties or large groups of people, but he'd isolated himself for nearly two months and the cold weather had him searching out warmth wherever he could find it. “... And I’ll think about it if I find the time.”

Knowing that was as satisfactory an answer as she was going to get, Uraraka stood up and looked over her shoulder towards the glass door leading outside into a winter wonderland. “Well, if you ever do want to talk about it, you know how to reach me. Enjoy the hot sauce and stay warm!” With a wave of her hand, she pulled the collar of her jacket up to her chin and left Katsuki sitting alone once again in the noodle shop.

Jutting out his lower lip, Katsuki watched her leave before looking back down at the anonymous gift next to his empty tea cup. The people closest to him seemed to know something he didn't, which bothered him to no end like a hair tickling the back of his neck. They still tiptoed around him when addressing his sour attitude or… well, you. Unless he backed them into a corner and forced them to spit it out, he figured there wasn’t much he could do; it wasn’t as if they’d do anything to hurt him or bring him even lower than he’d felt weeks prior.

Fiddling with the red ribbon tied around the jar, Katsuki recalled being given far worse gifts over the years. This one wasn’t so bad.

_____________________________

As always thanks so much for sticking with this long as hell fic for so long! Not a super lengthy chapter, but very excited for the next few that'll give a bit of a timeskip :D we're getting close to [REDACTED] u know???

if you enjoy the story, reblogs mean so much and yelling at my inbox makes me cry 🥰😭

Tagged list: @featherboawing @108052921 @bemyhero-academia @hentaidemon69 @makarovs-brat @alexparrsih @desia22 @justalittlecrazybutimok @trashqueenbitch @loverbug1123 @manq-fandoms @theworldsgreatestdisapointment @dabwithperkins @sarcasm-is-my-form-of-attack @i-am-fandoms-and-satan @eternal-apricot @grumpbisexual @ha-tep @apsara-study @nyantodamax145 @bakuhoetoedoroki @stargazerunlimited @fairyf3v3r @the-abyss-of-fandoms @raeyn-muir @lilithbasically @spicywrites

[kiranatrix]

What Comes Out in the Wash

Day 1: Hair @deathnotetober

Characters: Light, L, Watari, & mentions of Sayu // Rating: Gen; platonic (or Lawlight if you squint) // Summary: L wakes up with a huge rat’s nest in his hair and Watari says ‘handle it yourself,’ so Light has to help.

Co-written with @resilicns

——-

Sleep was something that was becoming increasingly rare for L to achieve these days, and when he did, it could hardly be called restful. He’d spend those few measly hours tossing, turning, kicking, and just squirming in general. When he slept on his own, this was hardly an issue, but now that he was sharing a bed with Light, things were getting a bit complicated.

L grunted quietly, pushing his elbow and forearm down into the bed as he lifted his head up off of the pillow, resting on his side. Blinking sleep from his eyes, he gazed around the room drowsily, trying to desperately grasp for awareness, until his gaze landed on a mirror. He lifted his other hand to feel his hair, touching the knotted mess he had noticed in his reflection. His hair was almost comparable to a bird’s nest at this point. Grimacing, he lifted the receiver off of the phone on the end table, pressing the button mapped to dial Watari’s phone in his office. He held it up to his ear and sighed quietly.

“Watari? I need you to come to my room. My hair is in need of brushing this morning,” L muttered, wincing as one of his fingers caught on a tangle and yanked the strand in that brief instant.

“Apolog--” Quillsh had covered the receiver to try and mask his hacking cough but it still came through the line. “Apologies, sir. It seems I’m unwell. I wouldn’t want to infect you with whatever I have. It’s quite dismal.” He held the phone away to sneeze several times into a monogrammed handkerchief. “You’ll have to make do on your own today.”

L paled slightly, holding the receiver away from his face for a second to stare at it as if it had personally offended him. When he held it back up to his ear, he sighed quite loudly. “I suppose we’ll have to inform the task force that they have the day off, today. However,” he frowned, pushing himself up into a sitting position as he clutched the phone. “Who will brush my hair? Who will prepare my meals? Who will select my clothing?” While he knew the latter was not necessary, the panic in his voice made it obvious he wasn’t thinking clearly.

Light opened one eye to see what all the fuss was about, frowning as he glared up at L. He hadn’t even gotten to sleep until after 3 am because L insisted on bringing his laptop to bed, loudly clacking on the keyboard and munching on panda cookies. The clock on the nightstand said it was just 6:30 am. I’m expected to work on a measly 3 hours sleep?!

“Can you keep your voice down, Ryuzaki?,” he huffed while turning over. “I’m not getting up until 7 and that’s that.”

Quillsh replied to L, “Everything will be fine. You know as well as I do that all your clothes are the same, no selection required. There are cakes and fruit in the refrigerator, and instant coffee if you can’t bother with the coffeemaker.”

He sighed tiredly, barely able to muster the energy needed to argue with L. “As for your hair...no time like the present to pick up a brush and try it yourself.” It was really past time for L to do that anyway but it meant time not focused on work, and was thus always deprioritized.

L gritted his teeth, gripping his own hair in his hand as his anxiety spiked just from the thought of trying to brush it himself. “But-..!” He stopped himself, squirming and making the bed bounce slightly. He completely ignored Light, his attention entirely focused on the call. “…alright. My apologies for disturbing you. Please get some rest and take care of yourself,” he murmured, quietly saying his polite goodbyes before hanging up the phone.

He turned to face forward, glancing at Light out of the corner of his eyes. He stared at the younger man for only a few seconds, moving to the end table and pulling out one of his hair brushes. He took a deep, loud breath to try and settle himself in preparation. However, no amount of preparation could prepare him for the instant pain that followed one frantic and barely-effective brush through his hair. He immediately chucked the item away from himself, hugging his knees to his chest in defeat.

Light snickered into his pillow and looked over his shoulder. “That’s it? That’s all you’re going to try?” He turned over to face L, yawning and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Don’t tell me that the World’s Greatest Detective has been defeated by an eeeevil tangle,” he teased. He couldn’t help but rub it in a little after all the grief L had put him through lately.

L shot Light a bitter glare, his eyes slightly moist from the shock of pain. “It is painful, and I am choosing to avoid engaging in painful activities. I will just wait until Watari is well enough to brush my hair,” he huffed, averting his gaze. In truth, he knew his hair would only be even more impossibly tangled- potentially unsalvageable by the time the man was no longer ill.

“That is…” Light sat up and leveled L with an unimpressed stare. “...the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. It’s just going to get worse if you put it off, and who even knows if he’ll be better tomorrow.” He leaned closer to examine L’s bedhead and let out a low whistle. Somehow, in the span of just 3 hours of sleep, the back of L’s head had gone from normal looking (for him) to a mess of matted, knotted hair. “Ok, I’ll admit that is pretty bad. I think even your tangles have tangles.”

He looked from the chaotic labyrinth of hair to the discarded brush thrown in the corner. L’s going to be a miserable grouch all day if this doesn’t get fixed. That made even the prospect of having the day off seem unappealing given who he was chained to. Plus, every moment they weren’t working, he was denied the chance to clear his name.

“Let me take a crack at it.” He glanced at L, giving him a little shrug like ‘why not?’ “It’s not like I can make it any worse.”

“You could still hurt me,” L muttered, glowering at Light. His expression was similar to a pout at this point, as if he was on the verge of crossing his arms and huffing.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Light sighed, still half-asleep. “I used to brush Sayu’s hair all the time when she was little.” Under his breath he murmured, “Anyway, you’d just tag on an assault charge onto my long list of ‘crimes’.’”

L hesitated for a moment before climbing off of the bed and retrieving the brush. Thankfully it wasn’t too far that the chain would cause any issues. He set the brush down in front of Light and sat down with his back towards the man. This is a terrible idea. However, if he goes out of his way to harm me, I can hold that against him.

Light picked up the brush tentatively, making a face at how overloaded with wiry black hair it was. “Hold on…it’s not going to do any good like this.” He pulled off the hair and dropped it from pinched fingers in the trash can beside the bed. “Ok, now we’re ready. Just...” He trailed off as he blinked at the back of L’s head-- specifically, the tumor-like protrusion of hair sticking out from the back. How could it have possibly gotten this bad?! Maybe I’m out of my depth here. “Um. Do you brush your hair every day, Ryuzaki?”

“Watari brushes it in the morning when it needs it,” L murmured, shrugging his shoulders indifferently. “He brushes it less now that I’m older.” Or now that he’s older.

Light fingered a few tangled tufts but didn’t pull, just surveying the damage to undo. “Have you...thought of using conditioner?”

L had to fight the urge to tilt his head, instead making a soft humming sound as he considered it. “No, I believe using soap for all of my washing is still the most efficient option. I see no reason that liquid soap is not enough to wash both my hair and my body.”

Light made a noise between a choke and a gasp, finally forcing out, “No...no, it’s...no, not at…” He sighed in exasperation, suddenly understanding why they were here. Closing his eyes, he said calmly, “After I untangle this, I’m washing your hair with shampoo and proper conditioner, got it?” He counted to ten and opened his eyes. Well, nothing to do but get started.

Carefully, he focused first on brushing the parts that weren’t tangled (or not as badly) to get a sense for the thickness of L’s hair and how tender-headed he was. Light knew that probably even a normal tug or the slightest discomfort might end this endeavor; he had to tread carefully. “This would be easier if you sat still and stopped fidgeting.” He placed a hand on L’s shoulder to try and keep him in one place, but quickly pulled back in case he’d overstepped.

L stiffened up slightly, biting his lower lip. However, instead of pulling away, he mumbled a quiet apology and did his best to keep his body still. He continued to fidget with his hands, rapping his fingers on his knees as he sat there, flinching occasionally when Light pulled too hard for his comfort. In truth, none of it was comfortable, but the man’s touch was surprisingly bearable. He wasn’t nearly as harsh as he had expected he would be, and it seemed as if he was adjusting to L’s reactions. “If you insist,” he mumbled, huffing quietly.

As Light got closer to the epicenter of the tangle, he started to sweat a little. Wait, is that--? Finally he had spotted the catalyst for the rat’s nest. A half-eaten lollipop was embedded and wrapped up in L’s hair, with the stick poking out at a jaunty and infuriating angle. “Ryuzaki…” He touched the stick, wiggling it slightly. “Did you happen to be eating lollipops in bed last night?”

A deep shade of red bloomed in L’s cheeks, travelling far enough to peek around his neck. “...no,” he mumbled, his tone incredibly sheepish as he blatantly lied. He couldn’t stop himself from squirming now, staring down at his hands as he shifted on the bed. He knew Light would be able to tell, but some small part of him felt embarrassed enough to try and hide it.

Light leaned to whisper in L’s ear, “Liar.” He gave the stick a little tweak. “The evidence speaks for itself, detective.” He laughed and shifted on the bed, reaching for a bottle of lotion in the nightstand. “This calls for desperate measures. That brush isn’t going to help at all,” he said, tossing it aside. “Not until I get that lollipop out.” With Sayu, he’d once used peanut butter to get some chewing gum out of her hair but really anything oily would do. He settled behind L again and squirted the lotion on his fingers, working it into the knots. “This might hurt a little but you don’t want to walk around with candy in your head do you?”

“It certainly sounds like a convenient carrying solution, freeing both of my hands to do work,” L muttered, his lips twitching faintly in amusement at his own joke. His breath hitched and he hissed quietly in pain as he felt his hair being tugged. “Ow...” He whined, his hand twitching briefly with the urge to reach back and swat at Light’s hand. “Be more gentle..!”

“Sorry,” Light mumbled. “Got a little too focused.” He slowed down his pace and methodically peeled away the hair from the sticky candy, nose wrinkling at the unappetizing gloops of lotion and red sugar coating his fingers. But, it was working! Bit by bit, knot by knot, the lollipop finally came free.

“Got it!,” he said triumphantly, holding up the mangled sucker. It was odd how satisfied he felt. Maybe it was because L only complained half a dozen instead of three dozen times, but he was all smiles as he showed it to L. “The accused stands before you. How do you judge?” He giggled and held it over the trash.

L was shaken and tense by the time Light was finally finished. It wasn’t that the man had hurt him- no, the process was quite painless after the first few tugs. However, he kept expecting pain, anticipating it, even though it never came. Once the man was done, he relaxed, staring at the candy. For once, he didn’t have the urge to shove the sweet into his mouth (although that may have been because of the hairs protruding from it).

“…guilty,” he mumbled, plucking it from Light’s fingers and dropping it into the trash can. He reached back to touch his hair, immediately grimacing at the unpleasant texture of melted candy and lotion mixed with hair. “…I suppose I’ll be needing my hair washed after all,” he muttered.

Light frowned a little that his joke had flopped, but what did he expect? “You’re welcome,” he grumbled as he got up off the bed to the length of the chain. “Come in the bathroom then and I’ll wash it in the sink. Need to wash my hands, too.” You don’t deserve my nice hair products but that’s all we’ve got. He’d be damned if he’d use liquid soap like L usually did. Just the thought made him shudder, rattling the handcuff chain between them.

L followed Light into the bathroom, shedding his shirt in the process to avoid it getting wet. He unclipped his end of the chain to remove the shirt completely, immediately latching the chain back on after. “How should I stand?” He stared at the sink in mild confusion, unsure of how to wash his hair in a non-shower setting.

“Over there,” Light gestured with his chin, “until I clean myself up.” He maneuvered around L and turned the water on with his elbow, scrubbing furiously until all the melted lollipop and lotion swirled down the drain. Why am I bothering to help him? I should have just left it there and taken the day off. I need one.

He dried his hands and grabbed his shampoo and conditioner that his mother had brought him from home, purchased from his favorite salon. The sleek bottles only reminded him of how much he needed a haircut, of how much he’d taken for granted all the little freedoms like that. The reflection looking back at him in the mirror-- bangs hanging in his eyes, wispy strands long enough to tuck behind his ears-- reinforced it. L may be a mess but so was he. The realization didn’t help his mood any.

He gave L a cold glance and pointed to the still-running warm water in the sink. “So...just stick your head under the faucet.”

L glanced back and forth from the sink to Light for a moment, as if unsure of what to do. He then moved closer to the sink, leaning down and hesitantly pushing his head under the water. He immediately jerked back when some ended up in his ear, an uncharacteristic squeak escaping his lips as his face scrunched up. He tilted his head, shaking it as if trying to get the water out. His hands rest on the sink, gripping it tightly to keep himself upright. Once he had calmed down, he took a deep breath and put his head under again, this time keeping it there as he closed his eyes.

Light crossed his arms and shifted his weight to one leg. If L couldn’t even stand the water, a molecule of soap in the man’s eyes would send him through the roof. “Hold on, I’ll get a chair and you can just lean back.” He went to do so but the chain tugged him back sharply. How many times will I forget? I’m anchored. “Um, can you release the chain for a moment? I’ll be right back.”

Much to his own surprise, L reached out without even hesitating, unclipping Light’s end of the chain. “Be quick. I think I can feel it hardening,” he murmured, grimacing as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He wanted to cooperate, he truly did, and he could only hope that was coming through in his actions and words.

Light blinked as the chain thunked to the bathroom floor. He did it? He stared at the coiled chain like it was a dead but still dangerous snake before snapping to attention and heading into the bedroom. It had been over a month since he’d felt 360 degrees of freedom but he couldn’t enjoy it, even though he wheeled L’s office chair into the bathroom slower than necessary. He felt a little shaken that his first instinct had been to run, but why? What did he have to run from? I’m innocent…

“Sit here and lean back so your head’s in the sink.” He rolled up a fluffy towel and placed it on the edge of the counter. “That should make it more comfortable.” He added drily, “Don’t worry, I didn’t stuff any razors inside.” Not that I’m allowed any. A few months ago he’d been the top student at To-Oh and now he was playing hairdresser with a man who wanted to execute him.

L didn’t bother grabbing the chain again, wanting to give Light more space as a gesture of appreciation for what he was doing, since he couldn’t really find the words to verbalize that feeling. He nodded and sat down in the chair, leaning back and resting his neck on the towel. His face scrunched up slightly in discomfort as he tilted his head back, suddenly made very aware of how stiff his neck was.

“It’s okay,” he murmured. “I trust you.” Of course, that’s partly because it would be too big of a risk for him to try anything right now, but I also don’t think he’d want to…

Light arched a brow at that lie and squeezed shampoo into his hands. “Sure.” Trusts me when it’s convenient for him. He avoided looking at the chain, not wanting to remind L in case he forgot. I know he didn’t forget.

L’s face was as unreadable as ever so he just got on with it, lathering L’s hair into fragrant suds and taking care that no soap got into the man’s wide-open eyes. The smell of grapefruit and sandalwood in the bathroom started to make Light relax, the tenseness falling from his face. After a few minutes, he couldn’t feel any more sticky candy embedded in L’s hair and rinsed it clean. “Alright, sit still. Conditioner’s next.”

The feeling of Light’s fingers massaging his scalp was incredibly relaxing for L. He did his best to keep his face impassive, forcing himself to focus on the feeling of wetness on his forehead, but, eventually, even that wasn’t enough. By the time Light was rinsing his hair out, L’s eyelids were heavy and his expression incredibly relaxed. Most of the tension that was normally present in his body was gone. “This…feels nice,” he whispered, blinking slowly as he stayed still for the man.

Light couldn’t help but smile faintly at the praise. It was gratifying that he’d done well, even at this insignificant task, when it was for his harshest critic. His mood lifted considerably-- maybe this day wouldn’t be a wash after all. Wash, pft. He snickered to himself and turned the water off, then smoothed the conditioner in L’s hair to the ends.

Tilting his head, he said, “Your hair’s longer than I thought.” When wet and not fluffed up by frizz, it looked almost twice as long.

L’s body felt almost loose at this point, and part of him wondered if he would slide out of the chair. Even the feeling of Light barely pulling on his hair was soothing by now. A faint smile curved his lips as he closed his eyes. “That makes sense. It’s been a while since Watari last trimmed my hair. I’m not very fond of the sound of scissors so close to my head.”

“Now we wait. Five minutes and then rinse.” Light glanced down at his watch and leaned against the counter. This might be an awkward five minutes.

L shifted his legs, letting one stretch out and dangle off of the chair. “I didn’t expect that this would be so…pleasant. You’re very good at this, Light,” he mused, his relaxed state loosening his lips ever so slightly.

A little heat rose to Light’s cheeks. “Uh...thank you. I guess I have my sister to thank for that. I was her babysitter for years and her hair gets tangled easily, too.”

He smiled when a funny memory sprang to mind. “One time she managed to get a whole package of modeling clay stuck in her hair and I had to scrub for an hour to get it out before my parents got home from dinner. When my Mom noticed it was gone, Sayu told them she ate it.” He laughed to himself, remembering the horrified looks on his parents’ faces. “Of course, we fessed up before they called poison control.”

L’s lips twitched for a moment before he burst into laughter, holding his hand up in a failed attempt at covering his mouth. His laugh shook his entire body, a big grin forming on his face. When was the last time I laughed like this? Have I ever? I can’t recall feeling this good before now. “That- that’s quite impressive,” he managed to say after a few seconds, starting to calm back down and catch his breath. “What was she trying to do with the clay? Style her hair?” He chuckled, opening his eyes to look up at Light.

Seeing L smile was surprising but when the detective laughed, Light was shocked. But that laughter was infectious and only made Light giggle harder. “I think she was trying to make some kind of space helmet? Who knows, she was only five then,” he said between chuckles. I miss her. I wonder how she’s keeping up with her math homework. His laughter faded away.

He looked down at L, a thoughtful look on his face. “I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you laugh and mean it.”

L’s expression softened, turning thoughtful and slightly sad. “Yes, I suppose it is. I haven’t laughed like that in a long time.” He sighed, stretching out his arms for a moment as he averted his gaze. “I guess that’s just something else you’re good at, hm?” He arched a brow, smirking a bit in the subtle, mocking way he usually did. However, there was no malice to his tone. Instead of attacking Light, it seemed like he was attempting some good-natured ribbing, as if between friends.

Light blinked and gave L a puzzled smile, waiting for the barb to come. Unexpectedly, it didn’t, and he wasn’t sure what to say. L being nice was as strange as L laughing.

He glanced down at his watch anxiously. “That’s five minutes.” He turned on the warm water and rinsed the conditioner from L’s noticeably softer hair. Any residual tangles came loose immediately when he combed his fingers through it and he started to get curious about how it would look when dry. “Alright,” he said, turning off the water. “All done. Your tangles are a thing of the past.”

He turned his back to L to dry his hands on a fresh towel. “I guess it seems like a waste of time to use the conditioner but it saves time in the end for brushing. I can give Watari the information if you want me to.”

L shifted in the seat, looking over at Light with a contemplative expression. He sat there in silence for a few seconds, just staring at the other man until he finally spoke. “I suppose you can. That would be nice. But also, while we’re sharing a living space…if you wanted to- ah- do this more frequently…I wouldn’t protest.” He averted his gaze and cleared his throat loudly.

“Wouldn’t protest?” Light turned around sharply, feeling annoyed at L’s assumption. The words ‘I’m not your servant!,’ hovered on his parted lips but died there when, somehow, he saw L clearly. The man was too proud to ask directly for what he wanted. They had managed to connect in a way that wasn’t only detective and suspect, jailer and prisoner. Light had felt it, too, and he craved kindness after his long isolation, this ongoing tense situation.

He watched L for a moment and quietly said, “Alright, but no cuffs when I do it.” He smirked and added, “And no more lollipops in bed.”

“I agree to the cuffs, but I can’t make any promises about the lollipops,” L joked, smiling as he sat up and pulled the towel over his head. He picked up the chain, staring at it for a second or two before clasping it onto Light’s cuff. However, instead of immediately pulling away, his hand lingered on the man’s wrist. “…thank you, Light,” he mumbled, the sound barely a whisper as he lowered his gaze and pulled his hand away, standing up straight.

Light grinned and tossed L a towel since the man was dripping water everywhere. So it didn’t kill you to say it after all.

“You’re welcome.”

[theyarebothgunshot]

this is exactly how it went down in my head.

misha: hey, everything okay? do you need me to do something?

jensen: no, lay low. we’re figuring it out.

misha: got it.

— the next day —

misha: things settled. should i say anything? draw attention? stay neutral?

jensen: you don’t have to, but if you want, tread lightly. we’ve had enough chaos.

misha: say no more.

when nobody got your back you KNOW dmitri got your back.

ANYWAYS i turned my back for TWO MINUTES and y'all went the fuck off in my inbox so, you know the drill: more under the cut

NO BUT JENSEN’S RESPONSE LMAAAAAO honestly fallout theory is so on oh my God I can’t stop-

on god they are so loud like-

Worst damage control i've ever seen. god bles.

so true bestie

I think Jensen probably just wants to be done with this petty little drama, so if he has to pretend everything between them is okay he is going to be the bigger man and lay it to rest. Whatever is going on between them he definitely doesn't want to sort that out on social media and the earlier he pretends everything is sorted out the earlier people will forget about it again.

Also it's kinda funny how J*red Tweet was like implying they had a misunderstanding but still talk to each other regularly, while Jensen went full on the we grow apart a little bit, because we were busy, let's catch back up. Makes me wonder if they actually talked or if there managers just said hey that's not good pr, let's put that to rest. Also did J*red know before yesterday that they had a falling out or did he just not realize.

- 🐌 anon

literally jensen went out of his way to say 'uhhh we never talk, worstie' god if pr management is involved then they did a bad job. also j*red still does not realise they have fallen out. jshfjdsfh

Jackles was like God bless but we ain’t talking like this worstie

good for her.gif

csdsc heeft gevraagd:

All I need now is for Misha to tweet “ is it safe to come out now?” And I’ll be complete lmfao 😂😂😂

that would have been better than what we got lmfao

I have one fear and it's Jensen being forced to add j*red to his show and his other projects because he couldn't stop whining like a baby,,, ugh i hate him

i pretend i do not see

Kinda selfish of me tbh but i don't want them to be "friends" again, Jensen sweetie run as fast as you can

co-signed

Ok Jensen's answer to Jared tweet made me feel so bad for him. Like, I can see it's damage control and public relations (obviously) but there's stuff behind it. I can't name it, but idk, I felt terrible for texas man this time, I don't think that reply was written with a "love and light energy" or even without much care. I felt some heavy vibes.

- 🌻, who is now a fortune teller and a prophet apparently

yeah i feel hella bad for him to, for having to deal with this shit. nonnie please if you ever have anything to predict, lemme know sjdfhs

You know Jensen's tweet has the energy of like kindergarten wenn an other kid started a fight with you and the kindergarten teacher wants you to forgive each other and hung it out and you really don't want to, but your kindergarten teacher is being annoying and he isn't worth the annoyance either.

- 🐌 anon

you are not wrong

Incredibly thankful that I have the day off from work 😂 I'm with hatching chick anon, the 3 dots read as passive aggressive/insincere to me, and I love it! I haven't spent this many hours on tumblr since I first discovered cockles! (On a side note, the lack of fimmf posts today has me feeling like it's not friday lol) -🐢

i, too, miss fimmf but alas things happen, they do they do they do

I was right. :(

It got almost romantic...

👀

nonnie you know i love you but this is really not the case, like, at all??? idk how you could look at those tweets and think it was almost romantic. it was THEE most scripted, pr bullshit ever. it was staged and fake. idk what else to tell ya

Danneel liked Jensen's tweet

i saw

That is so so awkward I feel so sorry for all of us being exposed to this and so happy I chose to leave the Internet for half a day - tea anon

god bless your stance on that cause i would have hated missing out on this lmao

You know what? I think it’s okay being a 38 year old moron if you’re bringing us this type of content

im happy with the food but still think its not okay tbh

pspspsps Misha this is the perfect day for you to drop the gay Cas essay pspspspsp it is still pride month pspspsps

you know you want to king pspsps

So that JIB6 link (I think it was from your post, right?). I went and watched that bit, and a little more.

Jensen makes a comment about Jared being first on the call sheet because Sam was supposed to be the main focal character.

And that him nor Misha cared about what number they were, so in all that time it never changed.

And I’ll be… if that just doesn’t perfectly sum them up and their feelings on things. And how a certain someone can be petty… 🦚

idk if it was from my post? but maybe? my analysis probably? but yeah things are making more and more sense huh

Ohh that's also an alien? Welcome to the extraterrestial family then, purple alien anon!

Also it's probably because I'm coming off the high this drama gave me but I'm not looking forward to them trying so hard to convince us everything is normal between them. Even though we now Know, they will have to keep pretending. Today (yesterday?) was a shitshow but some masks fell off, at least for a moment and I kinda wish Jensen was less professional 😂

👽

oh for real, fallout theory IS confirmed and nothing they said today will change my mind, it only made me believe in it even more lmfao and with that in mind i am just gonna sip my tea if they try to be buddy buddy on main again

I THINK MISHA UNRETWEETED BUT HE TWEETED "LOVE AND MISS YOU BOTH" I'M LOSING MY DIGNITY HERE - tea anon

yeah he now answered them sjdfhsjfhsf instead of rt

MISHA COLLINS IS A KING I STAN THE RIGHT MAN

YOU SURE DO

I just know Misha’s process was oh crap I have to let people know I’m supporting them and I can’t choose sides. Ok. Retweet. NO. Delete. I love both of you. Yes, good.

sjdfsdfh this makes me think of that post that dissected jackles' birthday post for misha where he used the heart. 'call him bro, that makes it less obvious. nailed it.'

Lol I'm off for a few days and come back to total chaos... God I missed it here

Like the "et tu... #bravo" tweet? Made my day! Frikking hilarious (every time I see it I picture J*red with a pissy frech accent saying it out loud lol) it's just such an incredibly petty hissy fit he threw (I know he tweeted more later on but... Really all that stuff coming afterwards just sounds like damage control)

Missed you Rose

-🐻

LOVE the french accent detail im gonna do this too sdjfhsjfh missed you toooo!!!!

Oh man Misha is really gonna get hate for that I KNOW IT

sigh well. nothing he isnt used to by now, unfortunately

i mean i believe they feel like brothers, but constantly falling back on the “brother” thing to keep up appearances is really starting to feel like “#spnfamily” at this point.

honestly brothers can be very annoying, or so i have heard, so it fits with the fallout theory lmao

They actually said if we’re gonna make this gay we cannot have Jar*d Pad*lecki involved

oh my God this is the funniest timeline to ever exist God bless I’m just waiting to canon bi Mary

king shit tbh

[sky-scribbles]

Fanfic ask game for procrastinating on writing (very accurate, since I should really be working on either the Aeor Fic or my dissertation right now). Tagged by @essektheylyss and @saturdaysky - tysm, this is very fun! <3

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

28! I only really started posting regularly on AO3 after I got into writing for CR, so there’s a modest amount there right now.

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

~126000; probably going to be a lot more by the time the Aeor Fic is finished!.

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Only three on AO3 - Critrole, obviously, plus some from my Star Wars: The Old Republic days and a single lonely Dragon Age fic. I’ve written for some other fandoms in the past (Elder Scrolls, mainly).

4) What are your top five fics by kudos?

Show me where my skin begins: Shadowgast; a study of Essek’s touch starvation and the important of touch between him and Caleb as their relationship develops.

My reasons for defying reason: Oneshot looking at Essek’s friendships with each of the Nein in turn, and the Nein’s different love languages.

I shine only with the light you gave me: The wizards slow dance at a fancy Dynasty ball, and Essek negotiates Den dynamics.

I’ll use you as a focal point: Essek summons a familiar, and as he adjusts to life with her, she helps him speedrun his character arc.

How to struggle gracefully: The Mighty Nein and Essek have dinner with Deirta Thelyss, as told through Veth’s perspective. Feat. Veth unpacking some of her own issues and her relationship with Essek

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Not as much as I’d like to anymore; my current health issues mean I have trouble writing at all, let alone replying to comments... but when I’m functioning better, I do try to reply to as many as I can! I absolutely love seeing people’s insights and hearing their thoughts; you guys make every second of writer’s block worth it! <3

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Hmm, I really don’t know! I’m generally an angst with a happy ending person, so I tend to round things off hopefully. I’d say that The scars that silence carved on me maybe qualifies, because from Essek’s perspective, it ends somewhat ambiguously - but the reader obviously knows that he’s about to get tackle-hugged by a little blue tiefling the moment after the fic ends.

7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

Not really. My Inquisitor!Essek AU is about the closest I’ve got, but I’m not sure I’d ever write anything or it.

8) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not since I was about fourteen, thankfully! I’ve had the odd ‘I hate [x character/fandom] but I love this story’ comment here and there.

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Not really. I’ve occasionally strayed into very vaguely nsfw stuff, but I don’t think I’d enjoy writing real smut, nor do I have any confidence that I’d do so halfway decently!

10) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

11) Have you ever had a fic translated?

I did once, many years ago back when I was writing Elder Scrolls stuff.

12) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I’m definitely not opposed to the idea!

13) What’s your all time favourite ship?

My fic history says Shadowgast, for sure, and I can see them being a love of mine for a very long time.

14) What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Nothing that’s posted, thankfully, but I’d truly love to finish the one that currently sits under the working title of ‘the Essek and soup fic’. I’m very fond of it, but just don’t seem to be able to make work beyond its first scene. (Maybe I’ll post that as a standalone someday.)

15) What are your writing strengths?

I like to think I’ve got a good sense for prose rhythm? When I’m proofreading, I can generally count on a voice in my head to be saying ‘this sentence needs to be x length’, or ‘this sentence needs another adjective in it to carry the right emotional weight’, and to tell me when something just feels right and flows nicely.

16) What are your writing weaknesses?

I think I have a bit of a tendency to want to include everything - every interesting thought and bit of character exploration that I come up with in the planning process. Also, plotting! The reason I’ve generally stuck to oneshots is because I find writing lengthier plots really, really hard; sooner or later I just get stumped, thinking ‘ok, but what happens now?’ There’s a reason planning the Aeor fic has taken several months!

17) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

It’s not something I’d do myself, mostly because I really wouldn’t want to mess up another language in a fic - but I’ve seen it really suit certain stories before.

18) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

It is... really hard to remember that far back, but probably either Skyrim or Torchwood. I did not do so well, but I did it :’D

19) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

Show me where my skin begins has a special place in my heart for being such huge fun to write and for being a truly feelgood fic. Familiar (like my mirror years ago) will always be important to me just for being my first CR fic and my entry point, as it were, to the CR fandom.

... but I really do hve a soft spot for The scars that silence carved on me, a study of Essek’s growth between 99 and 124. It’ll never be one of my most popular fics - the Nein don’t even appear in it - but I just loved taking Essek through all of these little changes, bridging the gap between the negotations and his reunion with his friends. And there are some scenes and lines in here I’m really proud of.

I think just about everyone I’d love to tag for this has already been tagged, so consider this an open tag for anyone who’d like to do this!

[wiypt-writes]

Too Loose And You’ll Lose It

co-written with @icanfeelastormbrewing​

Ch7: Old Habits Die Hard Part 3

Summary: Stella faces the aftermath of her actions in Mexico, and heads home to stay with her mom for a while. But Jake’s hot on her heels, and he’s not giving in without a fight.

Pairing: Jake Jensen x OFC Stella Stevenson

Warnings: Bad language and a whole heap of angst.

A/N: So here is the final part of Chapter 7…and well, we hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. We do not own any characters in this series bar Stella Stevenson and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

TLAYLI Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Chapter 7 Part 2

So lay down your weary heart, stay by my side, and I promise I’ll be here, till we run out of time

"Hey, Pumpkin." Evan gave Stella a small smile as she answered the door and Stella found herself grimacing at the pet name.

"Hi." She gave him a little smile back as he leaned in to kiss her. Automatically, she turned her face to the side so he caught her cheek and not her lips. He frowned a little as she stepped back to let him in and glanced at her for a moment, his eyes sliding downwards for a split second and Stella saw something flash on his face, but she couldn't quite place his expression. Without a word, he stepped into the apartment, following her to the living area. When she reached the couch she took a deep breath and opened her mouth to say something but he jumped in.

"Listen Stella, I’m so sorry. I was an ass, I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did and left you to go to the wedding alone."

"So you weren’t working then?" She shook her head as Evan let out a sigh. "I didn’t think so

Evan licked his lips and dropped his head a little. "No, I wasn’t. Like I said, I reacted like an ass. I shouldn’t have lied to you, I'm sorry."

"But you did and," Stella shrugged, "it doesn’t matter anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"It’s over, Evan."

Evan blinked, and then frowned a little. "Is this because of what I said the other night?"

Stella sighed. "In a way, yes, it is." She looked at him for a second as the hurt spread across his face before she took a deep breath and glanced down at her hands. She felt awful. Guilt was flooding her system, not only at the hurt on his face but the fact she'd done what she had. But she knew she had to stand strong. It wasn't fair on him, and it wasn't fair on her. "It caught me unawares and I didn’t know how to react," she looked up as she tried to explain, "I panicked but the truth is I didn’t say it back because I couldn’t Ev. I still can’t."

"Stel, look," Evan swallowed and took a step towards her, "I get it. You’ve been hurt in the past and you’re worried about how fast it’s going and, maybe you can’t say it yet, but you know, that doesn’t mean you don’t or you won’t."

"I thought it could be that way but I can’t lie to myself. Not anymore." She shook her head. "I don’t love you Evan. And I’m not sure I ever will."

Evan blinked, and in an instant the hurt on his face slid into something more akin to anger as his jaw set. He gave a scoff, shaking his head and gestured towards her with his right hand.

"You know, you’re never gonna be able to love anyone else whilst you’re still letting Jensen into your head and your bed." The slap his arm made as it swung back to his side rang loudly across the silent apartment as Stella felt her eyes widen.

"What? That’s not," she desperately tried to protest, even thought it was a blatant lie, "I haven’t-"

"No?" Evan gave a scoff. "The mark on your neck tells me a different story."

Stella felt the heat in her neck, she'd been well and truly caught out, and she felt like shit. She took a deep breath, deciding to come clean, he deserved that at least. "I’m sorry. I was drunk and it was a huge mistake. I shouldn’t have done it but that’s nothing to do with why I’m ending this."  

Evan shook his head. "I should have come with you. Fuck!" He seethed. "I shouldn’t have left you alone with him."

"But you didn’t come, and I cheated on you." Stella remained calm. "I'm not proud of it, I've never done this to anyone before and I feel awful, I really do." She swallowed and sighed. "You’re a great guy, Evan, and you have to believe me when I say, what happened this weekend has nothing to do with why I’m... "

"Why you’re breaking up with me? Really, Stel? You expect me to believe that?"

Stella licked her lips and blinked back her tears. "It’s the truth. I’m sorry."

"For what exactly, Stella? For leading me on? For making me fall in love with you when you’re still clearly hooked on your ex? For cheating on me? And with him nonetheless!" Evan's voice gathered volume as he ranted, all the time his eyes boring into hers, "fuck Stel! After everything I did for you!"

Stella looked down, unable to meet his eyes as a tear fell down her cheek. "I wasn’t leading you on. I really did, I mean do like you I just," she looked up, "I can’t lie to you or to myself anymore. This isn’t right. And I think deep down you know that it ain’t gonna work."

“Of course it ain’t gonna work. Because you’re not putting any effort into it!"

"It shouldn’t have to be an effort, Ev." Stella responded, wetting her lips a little with her tongue. There was a moment of silence, before Evan scoffed.

"Whatever. If you're happy to keep being a way for that asshole to simply get his dick wet then that’s up to you. But I tell you something, he’ll hurt you again. And don’t come crying to me when he does."

Stella took a deep breath, trying to keep her emotions in check. "It’s not like that. At all. He’s not, I mean I’m not..." she trailed off and rubbed at her temple. "This has got nothing to do with him, Evan. I’m breaking it off because I don’t love you and I’m really sorry but I can’t lie to you."

"The only person you’re lying to is yourself, Stella." Evan shook his head. "I’ll see myself out."

He turned to leave, Stella remained rooted to the spot. She looked up at the ceiling, wiped her eyes and then turned to him as he opened the door.

"Evan, I really am sorry." She whispered and he stopped, taking a deep breath before he turned to look at her, his blue eyes wet with tears which made Stella feel about as low as she ever had.

"So am I."

With that the door slammed, leaving her stood alone in her apartment, deadly silence engulfing the room. Her legs gave way and she sank to the floor, her back pressed to the couch, tears pouring down her face.

“Fuck!” She yelled, throwing her head back against the couch. She felt like shit. She never wanted to hurt him, she really did like him and never set out for any of this to happen. She'd wanted to have a future, with someone else, but the sad thing was, Evan had hit the nail on the head. As long as Jake was in her life and her heart, she was never going to be able to be with anyone else.

Because, as much as she wished it wasn't true, she still loved him.

As she sat there, her head awash with a flood of feelings and doubts, her phone rang. Shifting a little, she pulled it from her pocket and saw her sister’s name flashing on the screen. Stella took a deep breath, contemplating simply letting it go to voicemail but she realised she really wanted to hear a friendly voice, and despite the fact they were very different people, she loved her sister and knew that Rey would always have her back. With a shaking hand she swiped to answer the call.

“Hey Stel, how was Mexico? I want all the goss about you and Evs first little break! Well, maybe not all the goss as that’s gross and TMI but-“

At that Stella let out the sob she had been trying to keep down and managed to stutter her sister’s name. Immediately, Rey’s tone flicked from its usual, bubbly nature to concerned.

“Woah, Stelly? What’s wrong? Has something happened?”

“Yeah. I just.... “ at that more tears came and her voice broke once more as she struggled to speak.

“You what, Stel? Are you ok?” Rey demanded. “Why are you crying Stel? Talk to me.”

Stella took a deep breath, fighting for control, eventually managing to find enough to stammer into the phone, “I broke up with Ev.”

“You did what?” Rey’s voice was nothing more than a hissed whisper, conveying her shock. “Why? Stel, are you out of your mind?”

At that Stella began crying even more. “I don’t know, maybe.” She wiped her face with the back of her sweater sleeve, giving a very undignified snort as she did so. “But I don’t love him Rey and...” She choked on her words, struggling for composure as her sister took a deep breath.

“You don’t love him? I don’t-“

“He told me he loved me and I couldn’t say it back. So I went to Mexico in my own and-“

Rey cut her off with a low groan. “Tell me you didn’t!” Stella’s loud sob was all the answer Rey needed. “Oh Stell!”

“I know, I know! But I was drunk and I felt lonely and mad at Ev and, it’s Jakey, Rey!”

“You still love him don’t you?” Rey’s voice was sympathetic, not a shred of frustration left. Stella swallowed, pressing the hell of her hand to her forehead in an attempt to relieve the pain that was starting to form from the force of her crying.

“I never stopped.” She stammered and Rey gave a heavy sigh.

“Shit, Stel.”

“Rey, I don’t know what to do.” Stella whispered, her voice trembling as she struggled for air, her throat felt tight and dry.

“Have you talked to him? To Jake I mean?”

“Sorta.” Stella gave another snort. “The morning after I mean, but I can’t face him. I can’t go there again Rey, I just-“

“And that’s fine, Stel, you don’t have to. Just avoid him until you clear your head. You can call me whenever you need to, I got you on this.” Her big sister placated, voice stern yet gentle. “And you got Clay there too. Talk to him if it’s too much, okay?”

Stella took a shaky breath. “Yeah. Yeah okay.” She wiped her eyes and her nose once more before she cleared her throat. “Listen, Rey, I’m gonna go get a bath. I’m exhausted.”

“Great idea, use some of that bath foam I made, it’s got lavender and rose hip in, perfect relaxation.”

Stella smiled. “Sounds like the perfect accompaniment to a large glass of red.”

Rey chuckled before she sighed. “Promise me you call me if you need me? No matter what time or when.”

“I will. Thanks Rey, oh, and don’t mention this to Mom. Not yet. I’ll tell her myself.”

“I won’t tell a soul.” Rey assured her.

“Thanks. I love you.”

“Love you too, sis.”

Stella cut the call, tossing the phone onto the coffee table before she hugged her knees to her chest, lending herself some comfort before he heaved herself off the floor and headed to the kitchen. She filled a wine glass full to the brim before she slurped a mouthful, wiping her tears once more before she made sure her door was locked, flicked off the lights and headed to the bathroom.

****

It was Thursday, four days after getting home, and Stella was sat outside on her small balcony, wrapped in a warm sweater in the April sun with a book and a coffee when there was a loud knock on her door. She hesitated for a moment, as it had to be someone who had access to the building and her mind immediately went to Jake, before she heard Clay's deep baritone.

"Stella, it's me. Open up."

It was a command, not a question, so she placed her book down on the table, picked up her mug and headed inside. She opened the door and turned away, leaving him to follow her, which he did, shutting the door behind him.

"You want at a coffee?" She asked, heading into the kitchen. "It's not long made."

"Sure." Clay nodded, and he stayed silent whilst Stella made herself a fresh cup, and one for Clay, knowing just how he took it, before she slid it over the counter and for the first time met his eyes.

"You look like shit. Guess this mystery illness really has wiped you out, huh?”

"Thanks, Franklin." She said sarcastically and Clay snorted. "I haven’t been sleeping well."

"Yeah, you definitely caught-" Clay raised his hands and bend his index and middle fingers on both, making quotation signs, "-the bug. It’s annoying, right?" Stella looked at him, blinking as he took a sip of his drink, knowing full well that he had well and truly sussed her out. "And impossible to cure from what I hear. Not even a slap gets rid of it."

Stella let out a soft groan. "Should have imagined you saw that."

"Stell, sweetheart, the entire party saw it." Clay eyed her. "Gotta say, your dad would be proud. It was one hell of a slap."

She scratched at her neck. "In my defense I was drunk and angry."

"Yeah, I know. I caught your apology to Pooch and Jolene the next day. Just before you rushed to the airport ignoring the rest of us."

"I needed to catch my flight." Stella's gaze dropped to the counter, both her hands cupping her mug.

"Before the bug caught you sneaking away from the resort, huh?"

"Something like that." She sighed and took a sip of her coffee.

"So what you gonna do?" Clay asked, placing his mug down. "About your condition, I mean."

Stella shrugged, bowing her head. "That’s the worst bit, Clay. I can��t do anything can I? I couldn’t even be happy with someone else."

"You speaking about Evan in the past tense now?" Clay cocked his head and Stella swallowed.

"I ended it on Sunday."

"Well, I'm not gonna lie and tell you I’m sorry, Stella." Clay shrugged a little and Stella's mouth curled up inot a sad little smile.

"I don’t expect you to."

"You know as well as I do there was something off about that guy." Clay continued and Stella gave a little groan.

"Can we not? There was, is, nothing wrong with Evan. This is down to me and my inability to get some dickhead who dumped me years ago outta my head."

"And out of your bed from what I’ve heard." Clay eyed her shrewdly and Stella stilled, looking at him for a moment before she licked her lips.

"How do you know about that?"

"Practically everyone knew by breakfast." Clay gave her a sympathetic smile. "Turns out one spiteful, red-headed bridesmaid was on your floor too and you weren’t exactly quiet when you were shouting down the hall."

Stella groaned.

"Hell hath no fury, Arty." Clay's eyes twinkled with humour and Stella rolled her eyes.

"It’s complicated, Clay and I can’t face Jake. Not yet. Not like this." She signalled to her congested face and red eyes and Clay took a deep breath, his face sympathetic.

"He’s been worried sick. Says you’re ignoring him."

"Huh, maybe he isn’t as stupid as he looks." Stella shrugged and Clay gave a snort.

"Despite what we all say, he isn’t an idiot. He knows he fucked up. Again."

"It wasn’t just him. We both... well, I wasn’t exactly unwilling." Stell licked her lips as she shrugged. "And as much as I want to say I hated it..." She trailed off, her finger gliding around the rim of her mug. "But it just made everything worse."

"Well, one thing I can tell you is that sitting in here, hiding away isn't going to help." Clay spoke gently, and as Stella opened her mouth to protest he cut her off, holding his hand up. "He's not here. He shipped out with Cougs to support a specialist recruitment exercise at Fort Sill this morning."

"How long is he gone?" Stell asked, her voice quiet.

"He’s back Friday." Clay smiled. "Look, why don’t you take a few days off and go home. You could use some family time right now."

"We just got back from a few days away."

"Yeah, and you've been here, hiding so what difference does it make if you hide in New Hampshire? Besides, you're no use to me like this." Stella took a deep breath as Clay continued. "How long since you saw your mom or Rey?"

"Bout six weeks."

"Then go." Clay persisted. "It's not like you have anything pressing here to do, if we need you then I’ll send for you."

"Thanks, Clay." Stella smiled. "

*****

“What do you mean she’s gone home?” Jensen frowned as Clay looked at him, having just finished explaining to the pair of them where Stella was.

“Well, you know her home in New Hampshire?”

“Yeah?”

“She’s gone there.”

Cougar snorted and Jensen let out a low groan of frustration. He was tired and had just gotten back from a long, hard slog away from home to be greeted by this and he wasn’t in the mood for Clay’s sarcasm.

“When is she coming back?” He demanded, staring at his boss who shrugged.

“I don’t know if she is, Jensen.”

At that Jensen blinked. Was Clay seriously suggesting Stel had quit for good? “What? I don’t-why?”

“Why do you think?” For the first time since Jensen had started speaking, Clay’s frustration was evident in his tone. “After your bunk up in Mexico she finished with Evan and she’s cut up, big time.”

Jensen took a deep breath, as the flood of relief he expected to hear once he’d got that news never came. Instead, he felt nothing but a deep sense of guilt at the fact Stella was upset. And he was part of the cause of that.

“She’s hurting Jake, and I think this time it’s just gotten too much.” Clay finished, his voice a little less spiked than it had been. Jensen ran his hand through his hair, before he shook his head.

“Fuck.”

“Jensen, why don’t you call her?” Cougar looked at him and Jake rolled his eyes.

“You know I tried that, several times. She won’t answer my calls or messages.”

“And you’re gonna let that stop you?” Clay folded his arms across his chest and raised his brow. “What happened to fighting for your girl, Jensen?”

Jensen blinked, his eyes not leaving Clay as his words sunk in. He was right, he had to try and fix this.

“I need to go.” He mumbled before he turned and bolted from the office, a loud apology hitting their ears along with a shout from someone else he had clearly run into in his haste to leave.

There was a pause as both men simply stared at the open door, before Cougar broke the silence. “She’s coming back, right?”

“She didn’t say she wasn’t.” Clay nodded.

“So why did you make out to Jensen like she was done?” Cougar looked at Clay who simply smirked as he turned his head towards him.

“Why do you think?”

****

Less than ten minutes after leaving the office, Jake was in his car speeding down the freeway. With one hand he juggled his phone, pressing the button to call the one person he knew would help him.

“I’m coming home.” He blurted into the handset as soon as his call was answered and Jane gave a little scoff.

“I thought you might be.” Her voice was flat. “Rey called me last night on her way to pick Stel up, told me all about your hook up in Mexico. What the hell were you playing at, Jake!”

“Yeah, I know, I fucked up and I need to make it right. I’m on my way to the airport, I’ll be on the next flight into Logan that I can get and I need you to pick me up.”

There was a pause and Jane sighed. “Leave it with me, I’ll get online and see if I can book one for you.”

“Thanks.” He mumbled before he tossed his phone onto the passenger seat and pushed his foot down on the gas, hanging the exit that would connect him onto the road for DC and the Airport.

Jane called back ten minutes later saying there was a flight an hour or so later which he was on. He arrived twenty or so minutes later and parked in the first space he could find on the long stay car park. As he climbed out, he grabbed his wallet, phone and jacket and debated taking his kit bag but, deciding it would slow him down waiting through security, he left it and set off at a sprint to the departure area.

Thankfully, Military ID gives you certain privileges if you can sweet talk, and Jensen could sweet talk with the best of them, so he managed to skip most of the queues and made it to the gate as the last few people were boarding.

Whilst the flight was only an hour and fifteen, it was an hour and fifteen too long and he was restless for all of it. His leg was continually twitching, his hand running repeatedly through his hair and scratching the short layer of stubble that covered his chin and cheeks. He was aware that he was annoying the elderly woman sitting next to him as he could feel her glaring at him and in an attempt to keep his annoying, nervous little ticks to himself, he tried to read the paper that was in the seat pocket in front of him. But it was pointless, he’d been on the same article for twenty minutes, repeatedly losing his place as his thoughts strayed to Stella, so with a huff he folded it back up and leaned back, closing his eyes.

Whilst sleeping on transport wasn’t normally a problem, being in the Army you learnt to sleep when you could, it totally evaded him and he felt like crying in relief when the pilot announced their descent into Logan. As soon as their wheels were down, he attracted the attention of one of the attendants and begged her to let him off the flight first, citing a military emergency, once more flashing his ID. Five minutes later she returned, smiling at him.

“Follow me, Captain Jensen.”

With a relieved sigh he stood up, grabbing his jacket from the overhead locker and followed her to the door which was just opening into the tunnel.

“Thanks,” he nodded at her as the door was latched into place, “by the way, I love your dress.”

He set off at a sprint through the airport. More abuse of his military privileges saw him clear security in record time and he hurried into the arrivals lounge where he saw Jane waiting for him.

“You have no bag?” She frowned as he gave her a quick hug.

“I didn’t have time.” He shrugged and Jane rolled her eyes.

“From what Rey told me, Stella is gonna be here till next week...”

“Yeah but you booked me a flight I had like an hour to catch...”

“Because you said there was a mad panic!”

“And there is.” Jensen shrugged as they began to walk towards the exit. “Like I said, I need to speak to her.”

“So, what is your plan today?” Rey smirked at him a little as they headed over to the car park.

Jake swallowed. He’d spent the last few hours trying to come up with a plan of sorts and had failed, miserable, so there was only one option. “I’m just gonna tell her I’m sorry and how I feel about her, honestly.” He shrugged as they strode through the rows of parked cars. “She might listen, she might not but I can’t leave it how it was. I gotta try, Jane.”

“Yeah I know Jake.” Jane stopped at her car. “But have you ever thought you can’t always have what you want when you want it and how you want it? It’s always been like that little bro and she’s not a skateboard or a football, she’s a person.”

“I know she’s a person, Jane! But I have to tell her, if she doesn’t wanna listen then-“ he shrugged as Jane unlocked her car, “-at least I’ll know.”

“Well, good luck, you’re gonna need because, according to Rey she is really bad.” Jane climbed into the driver’s seat and Jensen dropped heavily into the passenger one. “Oh, and you might wanna avoid Rey.”

Jake scoffed as Jane reversed the car out of the space. “Rey doesn’t scare me.”

“No?” Jane threw him a look as she drove towards the barrier.

“Nope.” He sniffed, pausing. “She terrifies me.”

Between not wanting to disturb his parents and also being unable to face the inevitable lecture about his behaviour from his dad, at least not until he’d spoken to Stella, Jane suggested he stayed with them. So, Forty-five minutes later, they arrived at Jane’s home, Gracie barrelling out of the house to greet her uncle. He swung her up, giving her a huge cuddle as she began to chat to him about her school and soccer. Jensen tried to listen and pay attention, but his mind was whirring about how he was going to get Stella to meet him. As he walked into the kitchen, Rob handed him a beer and clapped his shoulder as he sank into a chair round the table, letting out a sigh.

After he’d had something to eat and a shower, borrowing some of Robert’s clothes he tried again to reach Stel but to no avail, her phone remained switched off. And this was how it went for the next twenty four hours or so. He also tried the landline but it was always Jules who picked up and he couldn’t face speaking to her either so each time he simply hung up like some huge big cowardly chicken.

So, as a last resort, he begged Jane to help him, something Rob urged her to do too, although his reasons were slightly more selfish- he was simply annoyed that Jake was wearing his clothes and drinking his beer and being a general pain in the ass.

“Okay, okay, just,” Jane bit her lip, “let me talk to Rey, see if I can figure something out.”

She grabbed her phone and left the room, Jensen’s focus remained on the door as he could hear her softly speaking outside, but not enough to make out her words. When she came back a few minutes later she took a deep breath and looked at him.

“Rey’s taken Stella shopping to pick up Julie’s birthday gift. On the way back she’s gonna detour and head to the little cafe in their village, just off the main road through. You need to be there at five.”

Jensen gave a sigh of relief as he stood up and hugged his sister. “I owe you big time.”

“Yeah, well, just don’t be surprised if Rey punches you in the face.” Jane looked at him and Jensen took a deep breath, giving a little shrug as he walked towards the door.

“Be worth it if I can get Stella to listen to me.”

****

“Don’t fuck this up, it’s Stel ok?”

“I know. I know. Look, I’ll call you later, once…” he paused to take a deep breath, “well, once I’ve talked to her.”

Jane smiled at her brother sympathetically and reached over to kiss his cheek, giving him a hug. “Good luck, bro.”

“Thanks,” Jensen voice came out almost as a whisper, “I’m gonna need it, sis.” Taking another deep breath, he got out of the car, gathering what little courage still remained in some forsaken part of his nervous system. “Go Petunias!”

He instinctively pulled the collar of his waterproof North Face jacket round his neck against the rain and started walking with determination to the brightly lit coffee shop at the other side of the street. He jogged to avoid a passing car and soon he was crossing the threshold and being engulfed by the warm atmosphere of the place. He didn’t have to scan the room much before he spotted both Stevenson siblings sat at one of the far corner tables and he made a mental note to thank Rey for having made Stella sit with her back to the door.

Jensen breathed in and walked a couple of steps more into the shop to catch Rey’s attention and a wave of excitement washed his body when he saw her get up and say something to Stella before heading as if she was going to the counter but after turning to check her sister wasn’t looking at her she walked to him and grabbed his arm as she passed.

“You’re lucky I’m not shoving your head up your fucking ass.” Rey hissed only for him to hear.

“Nice to see you too Rey.” He smiled at the woman nervously.

“Fuck you, Jake.” Rey spoke again through gritted teeth.

“You flirting with me, Rey? ‘Coz-”

But Jensen didn’t finish whatever stupid quip his mind had come up with as Rey scoffed and left. He watched her go, and when he saw her picking her coat from the rack next to the main door he sighed.

Good start, Jensen.

In an attempt to placate his nerves, Jensen ran his hand through his damp hair and headed to Stella’s table, his nostrils registering the smell of freshly brewed coffee and sugary treats for the first time since he had stepped foot on the place.

Stella, who was checking the messages on her phone, looked up as she sensed the presence of what she thought was her sister but, much to her surprise, it was Jake Jensen she was looking straight at as he sat down on the chair in front of her.

“Hey Stel.”

“Jake.” She whispered, gasping a little with shock. “What are you doing here?”

“Clay told me you’d come home and I had to talk to you.”

Stella rolled her eyes and was about to protest when the waitress came over with the drinks Rey and her had ordered and, after placing the hot cocoa mug in front of Stella, she looked at Jake confused.

“Oh it’s okay that’s mine thanks.” Jensen said as he nodded. The waitress simply shrugged and placed the coffee mug down before leaving

“Don’t suppose there’s any point me asking how you knew I’d be here.” Stella asked, her arms crossed over her chest as she watched Jake spooning sugar into his drink. Jensen just shrugged as he kept on stirring his coffee, thinking it was a good thing she hadn’t run away the moment she had seen him. “Imma kill Rey.” She grumbled.

“You wouldn’t answer your phone.” Jensen offered, trying to keep it as simple and cool as possible.

“Maybe you should take a hint.” Stella sighed, knowing too well Jake Jensen had never been one for taking hints.

“Stel, why you being like this?” Jake frowned. “We didn’t leave it on a bad note after Mexico, I know you said it was a mistake but…”

Stella sighed again and looked down at her drink, not taking her eyes away from the random pattern of cinnamon sprinkles over the whipped cream. “I just need some headspace.” Her tone was a little softer than before, the surprise and anger at her sister setting her up slowly sweeping away. “That’s all, and you being here…”

She didn’t finish her sentence, instead she gripped her mug and took a drink and once she did she looked up to him for the very first time since she had started speaking only to realize Jensen was watching her, but his eyes weren’t looking straight at hers, they were fixed on something else.

“What?” She asked, varying between curious and concerned.

“Your ring.”

Well she hadn’t been expecting that. She cleared her throat and hesitated a little before asking. “What about it?”

“You had it in Mexico. Why are you suddenly wearing it again? You took it off months ago, when you started seeing Evan.” Jensen inquired, his eyes now effectively meeting Stella’s and he saw the surprise in her expression. “Yeah, I noticed Stel.”

“I actually stopped wearing it the day you dumped me for the second time.” She shot back and Jensen flinched at her tone. Her softness had disappeared and she was being snappy again. He only hoped she didn’t clam up before he could get his point made.

“I didn’t dump you, we were…” He sighed. That path wouldn’t lead him anywhere with Stel, so he decided to take a detour, see where it led. “You haven’t answered my question.”

Stella gave a little shake of her head. “Don’t read anything into it. I’m wearing it because I want to.”

“But, why?” He pressed again.

“I saw it in my jewellery box the day I was going to Mexico when I was looking for some earrings.” She shrugged as she explained herself. “It’s a nice ring.”

Jensen didn’t say anything. Satisfied as he was with Stella’s reasoning, he gave her a knowing smirk.

“Don’t smirk at me like that Jake.” She warned him as she narrowed her eyes.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” Jensen placated her before taking another sip of his coffee. “Clay told me you had ended it with Evan.”

“Yeah I bet you’re loving it.” Stella scoffed.

Jake frowned at her accusation. “No.” He shook his head. “I could never be glad you’re hurting.”

“And whose fault is that?” She glared at him.

“Are you saying it’s mine?” Jake blurted out, leaning his forearms on the table. “Look, the morning after we... you know, you told me you were splitting up with Evan and it was nothing to do with us sleeping together.”

“You’re right, I was!” Stella raised her voice, attracting the attention of the two women at the table next to theirs. “But that wasn’t an excuse for me to go and simply jump back into bed with you!” She hissed. “God, I’m so weak. Why did I give in to you?”

“I didn’t force you into bed, Stella!” Jake protested, visibly hurt.

“I never said that.” She shook her head, but avoided his stare.

“Well it kinda sounded like that’s what you were saying.” Jensen shook his head and leaned back on his chair. “You know, you can deny it all you want but that night was good, and I know you felt it too otherwise you wouldn’t be here so upset and accusing me of being the reason you’re hurt.”

Stella stayed silent. The confidence in Jake’s voice left no room for her denying it, there was no point, so she just looked away.

“Why have you got such a problem admitting there’s still something there between us?” Jake broke her silence.

“I’m not admitting shit, Jake. You can go now, back the way you came.” She shrugged, hoping her voice sounded as confident as Jensen’s.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He shook his head before taking another sip from his drink.

“I think you should.”

“Okay,” Jake placed his coffee mug down again, “you look me in the eye and say you feel nothing for me at all and I’ll go.”

“Piss off, Jake!”

“Not until you tell me.” Jensen challenged her as he crossed his arms over his chest. Maybe he was pushing too much, but he had to try.

“Don’t tell me what to do Jacob. You don’t wanna go? Fine!”  Stella shrugged as she got up and grabbed her purse which was hanging from her chair headrest. When Jensen finally registered what was happening he called after her but Stella just ignored him and left the coffee shop after taking her coat from the rack. Sighing with exasperation, Jake stood up and tossed some money down on the table before jogging after her.

The drizzle that was falling when he had first arrived had now turning into a real downpour. The cold air and heavy rain hit Jensen’s face when he stepped out and he needed a few seconds to spot Stella who was walking up the street under the rain, her wool coat failing to stop her from getting increasingly soaked. Jensen started jogging towards her as the same time he cursed himself for not having an umbrella with him.

“Stel.” He panted as he grabbed her arm.

“Don’t touch me!” She snapped, freeing herself from Jake’s grip.

He sighed but looked at her with determination. “You just can’t say it, can you?” But Stella wasn’t giving in and kept silent, staring back at him and after a few too many seconds Jensen had no option but to give up so he looked down and then back up, tears already brimming in his eyes. “My mistake. I’ll, erm, I’ll leave you alone.”

Stella watched, as he turned to go, his shoulders slumping before something inside her cracked, driven completely by the fact he looked and sounded so damned broken.

“Wait!” Stella pleaded, and he stopped, turning to face her as she took a deep breath, looking upwards before she shook her head. “I…damned, fine, I love you, okay. Is that what you wanna hear?” She snigged and shook her head. “I love you Jake but that doesn’t mean shit. I’m tired of hurting.”

“Me too Stel!” Jensen blurted out, his voice cracking. “Jesus, I hurt every dammed day when I saw you with that prick, because I only had myself to blame. I’m a fucking idiot and I get now, my reasons, you know I thought I was doing the right thing, that it would save us both so much heartache but all it did was cause us so much more.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Stella frowned at his sudden ramble. “You were doing the right thing? What kind of shit excuse is that? The right thing for what?”

“For you! I saw it in your eyes, the day we found out our postings and we were gonna be split up because we weren’t married!” Jensen tried to explain himself as the tears began to fall from Stella’s eyes. “The hurt and fear in those beautiful eyes, Stel and all I could think about was how worse it would be if something happened and,” he sighed as his eyes silently pleaded with her to show some sign his words were getting to her and when he spoke again, his voice was softer than ever. “I thought by ending it, then it would mean we could both move on and if something happened then you wouldn’t have to go through the amount of pain your mom did when she lost your dad.”

“Don’t you think I had the right to make that decision myself?” Stella practically shrieked at him, her chest heaving. “God, you’re a fucking asshole Jacob Jensen.” She sniffed and made a pause to rub her nose and wipe the tears and raindrops that were falling down her cheeks. “What the fuck? I’ve spent the last fucking five years of my life wondering what the fuck happened, trying to find a reason why you suddenly didn’t love me!”

“Stel, I never stopped loving you!” Jensen yelled back, before he took a deep breath and shook his head. “How could I? I’ve been in love with you since we were eleven.” He moved closer to her, trying to hold her hands in his.

“You have a strange way of showing it!” She screamed back, moving her hands to dodge him.

“I know, I know. I don’t have anything else to say other than I’m so sorry. And I love you.” He choked out. “I always will.”

Stella sighed, tears still running down her face. She was exhausted and tired of listening to him apologize over and over again. “All right, you’re sorry. So what? Apology accepted. Feeling better? You can go back to Virginia now.”

“If that’s what you want.” Jake said so softly Stella almost missed it as he put his hands in his coat pockets.

“Why suddenly it is what I want that matters, Jake?” She railed at him once more. “It’s always been about you and your stupid ideas and your stupid needs!”

“What do you want me to say, Stel?” He pleaded, his voice was beginning to break again. And, as Stella looked at him, his face suddenly illuminated by the headlights of a passing car, she realised that she had never seen him so vulnerable before.

“I don’t want you to say anything, Jake.” She swallowed hard, shaking her head. “I just want you to make up your mind once and for all and stop fucking with my brain.”

“Make up my mind?” Jake scoffed. “Have you listened to a word I just said?” He stepped forward a little. “You know what I want.”

Stella shuddered under his stare at those last words before muttering. “No, I don’t.”

“You! I want you.” He blurted out, his eyes never leaving hers. “Give me another chance baby. I swear, I’ll make you happy, I’ll do anything.”

“Jake…” Stella’s voice was a strangled whisper as she shook her head and Jensen sighed.

“What is it that is making you hold back?” He pressed, rain dripping off his hair down his face.

At that, she swallowed. “I’m scared.”

“Scared of what? Talk to me, Stelly.”

“Of being broken again, Jake. Because I don’t think I can fix myself again.” Stella blinked as the raindrops gathered on her eyelashes.

“You won’t have to.” Jake was fast to assure her. “I promise you that much. Just let me show you I can be the man you need, the man you deserve.”

“You promised me before you’d always be there Jake.” Stella started sobbing again. “And you left me.”

“I know, I know baby and I blame myself every day for that I... I just need you to trust me. I love you, I love you so fucking much, Stelly I can’t even think of you not being around.” His voice cracked completely on the last word and he sniffed loudly, his shoulders shuddering as he took a deep breath.

And, suddenly Stella’s defences, those defences she had fought so much to keep up, were nothing more than paper, paper that was disintegrating after being soaked by the rapidly falling drops of both her tears and the rain. Before she could draw in the air her body needed, she fell forward into Jake’s arms, melting into his form as she sobbed, her face pressing into the cold, wet outer layers of his clothing.

Jensen’s hands folded around her back, drawing her in closer and she could feel her body shake. “Stelly, shh, don’t cry baby,” he managed a whispered choke as she clung to him for dear life, “everything is gonna be all right. You’ll see.”

And as she continued to cry, Jensen simply held her, rocking her gently from side to side as he pressed a kiss to her wet hair before he pulled back, his hands cupping her face as he swiped under her eyes with his thumbs, the tenderness of the action more than Stella’s heart could hold.

“Please Stelly. Just give me this, ‘coz I don’t know what I’m gonna do if you don’t.”

As a response to his plea, Stella leaned into his hand, kissing his palm. “I never wanted you to leave in the first place.” She whispered and turned her eyes to his, to see a soft smile spreading across his face.

Jake swallowed, trying to find his voice. He wanted to speak, he wanted to speak real bad, because, God, there were so many things he wanted to tell her, so many built up wants and needs from over the years they were apart. But he couldn’t form anything more than her name. “Stel,” and, before he could attempt anything else, she reached up and grabbed his face tenderly before kissing him, softly.

The rain ran down their faces to where their lips met, each of them tasting the cold drops, but instead of detracting from the intensity of the moment, it simply took them to new heights. As Stella pushed her lips in more firmly, the wave that ran through her was intoxicating, a connection that showed the strength of the feeling, the mutual need. She paid no attention to the water which was soaking them through to chill their skin, because the sheer burst of love they were sharing was more than enough to keep her warm.

Nature might have brought the rain but Jake’s inner sunshine always came through for her in the end.

As Jake kissed the droplets from her mouth, she felt his lips smile against hers, making her head swim as she pulled back to take in his beautiful face and he was beaming at her.

“This is it, Jake. You fuck this up and I’m out of your life for good. In every way.” She declared with a sniff, but the warning felt less of a warning to Jake as she was smiling at him as she clung to his neck.

“Not gonna happen.” He smiled back. “We’re gonna do great and we’re gonna get married and make gorgeous babies.”

“You’re a fucking moron.” She snorted.

“Yeah.” He shrugged casually before tightening his grip on her and leaning in for another kiss, but it was cut short this time by Jake’s stomach growling, making Stella pull back and arch her brow at him.

“I haven’t eaten all day.” He offered as explanation.

She chuckled and then gave him a big grin. “Wanna stop at the Schwarma stand on the corner of Ruby Ave?”

“Yes.” He groaned more than agreed. Stella smiled as Jake placed his arm round her, pulling her close to kiss her head as they set off. The gesture once so familiar to them that it filled them with the warmth that the merciless rain was denying them. “Hey, does this count as a date?” He quipped.

“Don’t push it, Jake.” Stella groaned as she jabbed at his ribs.

****

“What the hell have you two been up to?” Julie’s loud voice rang out and the pair of them stopped dead as they walked into the kitchen from the Mud Room, looking at her as she stood, her arms folded, leaning against the counter, wearing her best stern mom expression. “The pair of you are soaked!”

“Yeah, it’s raining.” Jensen nodded and Julie narrowed her eyes.

“Don’t get clever with me, Jacob. You’re not too big that I won’t give you a slap.”

He flashed her his best, cheeky smile and she rolled her eyes, her attention flicking to Stella before she frowned a little, her gaze then moving to their hands which were tangled together. She blinked, and then her face softened and she gave Stella a fond smile.

“You guys good?”

They looked at each other and Stella smiled, turning back to her mom. “Yeah. Yeah we are. But, erm, we should probably go get into some dry clothes.”

“There’s some sweats and a T-shirt in your room Stel, I think they’re Jake’s.” Julie smiled. “Drop your soaked things outside the bathroom and I’ll run them through the wash and drier.”

“Thanks, Mom.” Stella grinned as Jake let out a little noise of approval.

“Jules, you’re awesome.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She rolled her eyes but the smile never left her face. “Go on. I’ll fix you both some dinner.”

“It’s ok, we already ate so I think we’re just gonna...” She trailed off as Jake gently squeezed her hand and Julie nodded.

“Okay, well I guess I’ll see you in the morning?”

Stella dropped her head, shyly as Jake grinned. “Yeah, Jules. Have a good night.”

Thirty or so minutes later they were both warm, dry and settled in bed, Jake in the pair of grey sweatpants that had indeed belonged to him. As Stella snuggled up to him, he pressed a kiss to her head realising that it had been years since they’d done this, just been together, as a couple. He felt her shift a little next to him and he glanced down to see her blinking as she struggled to stay awake. Jake could tell she was exhausted and whilst he wanted nothing more than to get her on her back and love her the best way he could, he knew how tired she was, both physically and mentally. It had been an emotional day, hell, week even, and there was a lot to process. So instead he shifted a little so he was led on his side facing her, and drew her in for another soft, deep kiss, his thumb gently stroking her cheek bone as she sighed happily, his lips slowly and sensually caressing hers.

“Do you remember the first time we shared a bed, Stelly?” Jake grinned as he pulled away, tucking her hair behind her ear.

She snorted. “Summer camp when we were thirteen. I could feel a storm brewing, so I came to your tent.”

“And we got caught so your mom came to ours,” Jake grinned as she gave a chuckle, “sat with mine around the kitchen table, giving us both ‘the talk’. Good times.”

“I remember how it grossed the pair of us out.” Stella giggled. “You pointed out that Rey and Jane would share a bed when they stayed over with each other and your dad was protesting that it was different because they were just friends.”

“So were we at that point.” Jensen mused as Stella’s hand traced his bicep.

“Yeah that’s what you said. And then you pointed out that they might have been lesbians so his argument was invalid.”

Jensen snorted. “He was being platonaphobic, and of course when I told him so, he had no idea what it meant.”

“No one did because it was a word you just made up!” Stella laughed and Jake shrugged.

“It means you’re biased against platonic relationships.” He grinned before he took a deep breath. “Truth is, Stelly, there was nothing platonic on my side even then. I wanted you from the day I saw you.”

“You were eleven, Jake!” Stella shook her head.

“Just be glad it wasn’t until I was fourteen that I started getting boners over you.”

“You’re disgusting.” She rolled her eyes and Jensen pouted.

“Hey, don’t complain. You were in all my fantasies”

“That’s a back handed compliment.” She shook her head and Jensen flashed her a cheeky wink.

“It’s the palm of my hand that remembers.”

At that she slapped his arm and he laughed, pulling her closer to him as she nestled into his warmth, the top of her head tucked under his chin.

And that was exactly how she fell asleep a few minutes later. Jake felt her relax against him completely, and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head before he too drifted under, happy and satisfied that he was holding his girl in his arms, right where she belonged.

**** Chapter 8