#cop-phobic

[drjacquescoulardeau]

Tuesday, January 17, 2023

Fine comme papier à cigarettes, l'intelligence des flics Fin comme l’aiguille d’Étretat, le Lupin https://jacquescoulardeau.medium.com/fin-comme-laiguille-d-%C3%A9tretat-le-lupin-5cc55b6767b8

I just published Fin comme l’aiguille d’Étretat, le Lupin. Finesse n'est pas dans le genre, roublard, menteur, rusé, futé, mais la finesse n'y est pas où les détails sont tellement gros qu'ils en deviennent mythiques de toutes les prestidigitations. Et le prestidigitateur est un fin renard qui sent sa proie juste avant de la manger et la proie est volontaire car elle croit que ce sera tout autre chose qu'un banquet avec sa viande et ses abats. Mais il se trompe et comme pour le taureau dans l'arène, ce sont ses pendeloques qui partiront les premières. Et après cela l'émasculé partira dans sa campagne mortuaire et se lèchera ses plaies et geindra tout son saoul/sou/ et cela finira avec une bise bien sûr mon cher Soubise. Lupin c'est des têtes à queue illogique dans l'intrigue et des ni queue ni tête dans la vraisemblance. Tout juste bon pour un public d'été légèrement éméché par la chaleur de la journée et qui regarde les images en laissant trainer ses mains partout où il peut.  https://link.medium.com/QbsmlI3aFwb *

Éditions La Dondaine, Medium.com, 2023

[beandump]

Nobody better ever fucking tell me the fight for rights is over.

[olderthannetfic]

I am absolutely begging tenderqueers to stop playing ‘find the fetishizer’ when engaging with queer content. No one cares if it makes you wonder, no one cares if you’re ‘just asking questions’. Stop acting like cops trying to root out the ‘bad representation’ just stop. All you do is give ammo to the queerphobes who need the right language to be phobic. Stop interrogating queer creators on their identities. I don’t care if you think femme men are being made into The Woman who Bottoms and is Submissive that is your fucking problem stop making it an issue you want to solve you are making feminine queer men in fandom spaces feel alienated and like you think they are gross or something.

--

[blog-sliverofjade]

Hell, I have visceral flashbacks to "lesbo," "homo," "faggot," and "dyke."

Any term we use to define ourselves will be used against us, especially if it's one of solidarity that makes it harder to try and attack us as individuals.

Labeling myself as queer saves me from dealing with infighting about who's valid and who isn’t, usually, because guess what? PEOPLE DON'T FIT INTO NEAT LITTLE BOXES! And I'm not going to break out the flowchart of who I am, especially when it comes to people who want to police how I refer to myself, in which case it becomes "queer as in fuck you."

Kill the inner cop.

Do you genuinely not understand that there are LGBT people who have been traumatized by terms like 'queer' because they have attached them to acts of unspeakable violence and threats to their lives from their own personal experiences, or do you just enjoy being terrible? Is this historical illiteracy at work or just complete lack of empathy?

Not historical illiteracy or a complete lack of empathy but a secret third thing (you have invented a guy to be mad at and I'm not her)

[mogai-sunflowers]

happy pride. remember that first and foremost, queer pride is radical anti-fascism. you don’t belong at pride if you are against the liberation of all oppressed peoples.

You’re bisexual but think cops are a force of good and that Black lives, that Indigenous and Latino lives, that disabled and impoverished and even other queer lives are therefore expendable? Pride doesn’t want you.

You’re trans but think religion is a universally evil force and harass every Jewish person and Hijabi you see at pride just because YOU had a bad experience with your religion? Pride doesn’t want you.

You’re a lesbian but you think trans women are just misogynists and trans men are just women who want to escape the patriarchy? Boo hoo crybaby, Pride doesn’t want you.

You’re a gay man but you enforce racist and fat phobic body standards in your own community? Pride doesn’t FUCKING want you!

If you don’t stand with ALL marginalized people, you stand with none of us. you can don your rainbows and shout love is love all you want but if you don’t give a fuck about people who are even a little different than you, who dare to live their lives outside the box you’ve made your home, then get the fuck out of pride.

otherwise, happy pride queers ily <333

[thedndgoblinwholivesinyourwalls]

YOUR OCS. can you talk about them 😳👉👈 im intrigued by their crimes

*CLAPS MY HANDS TOGHETER* I’VE AWOKEN OK. SO. RIGHT INTO IT.

Quick rundown of the world they’re in- monsters exist!! And people have to live amongst them even though most of them are very dangerous! So anyways into the murder lesbians :]

Janette Biswar (she’s 47 and suffering/hj) or otherwise this lady:

(oh no the way the images layout lmao but the last one is done by @iersei!) She’s an unwilling cult leader with the church her mum used to run (which is a cult omg) being handed down to her basically! (she completed a rite of passage to be the leader in her teens which was murder she does not like that) And at the moment she’s trying to dismantle the cult to make it a normal cult but then Adele Beckett turns up-

This is Adele Beckett (46 and loving her life/hj)

(i don’t draw her enough and the art on the right is also done by iersei!) SHE’S A COP! (acab) She also fights the monsters in the world they’re in. Transphobic and aro-phobic btw. She gaslight gatekeep girlbosses on a regular basis. (She has a husband called Josh that she was highschool sweethearts with him- he’s transmasc so they were a sapphic couple in the early years)

Onto the actual plot- a cop and a priest walk into a bar basically. (i’m not even joking) so they both do that and they flirt things are said and done woahh (they kiss holy shit :0) They end up sleeping togheter but before that janette was like ‘heyy i’m aro-spec let me explain what that means and how i don’t do romantic relationships” and Adele is like “uh huh. definetly listening” she isn’t. she does not care at all. So basically they have a friends with benefits relationship but then Janette is like “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A HUSBAND” since adele is not polyamorous and did not tell Josh about it.

They split up, and don’t talk for a while until Adele’s son, Ryan, ends up being involved in a cult ritual that ends up with him getting his arm chopped off. Adele knows who did it (janette who did not agree to that ritual) and ended up getting revenge. In the form of arson. She was mostly commiting arson because she was just annoyed at Janette and a little bit for her son she isn’t a good mum. So Janette gets burnt alive and then ends up getting resurrected by weird blue spirits called Sprites that curse her with if she cuts her skin, little blue flowers and foliage burst from her skin trying to push their way out which is dangerous! So she has to stay out of town- in the woods- because everyone thinks she’s dead and she’s just planning her way to kill adele.

yeah. there is so much more lore i could go into but i will save that. for later. :D

Basically both of them have killed people and only one really regrets it (janette) okok anywayssss-

[scr-ppup]

@ Scr-ppup | 🪦👁️

—"Even the divine of the mercy and prayers will not help you..

"For I will still smite your ass to the oblivion's growing hunger."—

- liomogai: neogenders, general & alterhumans flags and terms.

- request status: open

Ask box: — (24 requests) | queue: 35 | drafts: 500+

Creds; PFP mask.

Coinfight info link; team Villains.

Anons; 🌊🐈‍⬛,

— "sir, If the hounds don't kill you, I will make sure I have your head at my feet by sundown."

"You hear me, old bastard?"—

> my main is @ Reveseke and that's where I'll be interacting from. Don't get spooked lol.

> here's my pronouns cc & pronouns.page

> I am neurodivergent & disabled, 06/18 & genderqueer, Finnish entity, transspecies, alterhuman & holothere.

> Call me mainly Koiri or Ashlin on this blog, or Kalma.

> I don't have a DNI for my terms and flags, but I do block folks that are specified in my BYF if following. :)

> please use tone tags with me, it makes it easier for me to interpret y'all when it comes to answering questions and interactions in general. I have a tendency to interpret the tone wrong in text. Also please don't use fonts or colored text in the asks, thanks.

Masterlist nav. — req list - tag nav.

— "The world didn't go too easy on you, did it, Kalma?"

BYF

- I belong into quite a few blankqueer/-punk stances in some way; reclaimed feralqueer, hallowpunk, redemptionqueer, darlingqueer, yandequeer, (ally) rabiespride, eepyqueer, para-health, Beastpunk, mangledqueer, Sataniqueer & freakqueer.

None of these labels will override *my* stances that I've laid in my BYF. Beware of this. (Also I'm going to get all the links in a bit lol.)

I am anti harassment, pro-para - anti-contact (+ a para myself) & pro- safe recovery, anti-censorship & I'm peacefic. I'm pro good-faith / contradicting terminology, I believe everyone has a unique sense of self and should be able to use the terms and call themselves what they want to reflect themselves. I stand with the 4B, land-back, black lives matter movements, and pro decolonization.

My political view is anarcho-leftist, however I do not go into that side much since this is a hobby blog.

I am not interested in ship- or syscourse and I find radical pros and antis extremely harmful from both discourses. Do not include me in them. (Besides I'm singlet thus I don't think someone calling themselves endo or supporting or not supporting them is something I should be "included in" on or concerned by. Pro & anti endos alike can interact if they want, just know where I stand and don't break your own DNI for the sake of it.)

Also, those who cannot separate fiction from reality or glorify and romanticize real-life murderers, S/A, mafias, criminals, and so on, you're not even on the thin ice if you follow me you will be blocked.

I do not fuck with (read: i am a heavy anti of) wrongfully used harmful transid folks, rad./queers, xeno.satanists. white supremacists, nationalists, facists, or racists & ableist at all. (Neo) Na.zis and supporters/apologists, pro-colonialists and -capitalists, pro-cop / blue lives matter / all lives matter believers. Neither do I fuck with those who glorify, romantize, or demonize (or speak over folks with) mental illnesses, personality disorders or disabilities.

Also label lumpers and exclusionists (""bi-spec"", aros to aces, aphobics, transphobic, multitransphobic, intersexists, etc), queer-phobic/anti-LGBTQIA+ folk. SW-/TERFs, Radfems, misogynist & misandrist alike; sexists in general. + folks who suibait, witch-hunt, and harass others or condone/support it.

—"you look like an animal, a cornered hound baring its teeth in front of certain death..."

Themed after a CoD oc named Kalma.

—

Questions are always welcome, but please bear in mind that if the question is asked in noticeably bad Faith it will not be answered unless I feel the need to answer it because it's important.

[haveyoureadthistransbook]

Sea Witch: May She Lay Us Waste & Girldirt Angelfog by Never Angeline Nørth

goodreads

Sea-Witch is a genre-phobic novel-in-fragments of contemporary transsexuality that focuses on the life of a girl monster named Sara who lives inside a witch-god named Sea-Witch. Follow the occult fairytale story of how this young monster came to be, of the origins of Sea-Witch, of Sea-Witch’s god family that preceded her & of 78 men who cause pain by using their laws and cops against monsters like Sea-Witch. Also there’s lots of hot trans-on-trans sex.

Mod opinion: I haven't read this book yet, but it sounds really interesting!

[thelindenpapers]

Cannot throw a pebble without hitting a show or a movie that's all like, "and the hero's father/best friend/partner is a good cop!"

And that shit is wild to me, considering that, before the Hays Code, the police in film and radio were often depicted as cruel and bumbling doofuses who harmed communities and victims, instead of helping.

If you read Ayn Rand's awful Screenwriters Guide for Americans, you can see the common themes that were adopted (often under pressure) by a lot of media outlets and studios in order to keep viewers misinformed, keep viewers phobic towards marginalized people, and keep viewers propagandized against their own interests -- as well as trustful of authorities of whom they have no reason to trust.

[Ancient cinema marathon of the black-and-white, radical, leftist, queer, anti-cop movies that existed before the censors rose up and slapped them down is being held when, please?

In a world where conservatives keep harping on and on about wanting to believe what their grandparents and great grandparents and great great grandparents did, can we please find and offer up the art that was being made before the red scare, when large numbers of artistic and working class folk in the US were very interested in socialism and communism, please? ]

[sagemoderocklee]

3,7,8

<3

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

startin out rlly swingin' ok... well lotta rlly shit takes out there so it's hard to pick just one. i def dont have any screenshots of anything... pickin' one at random is just like anyone callin Neji horrible or abusive for kickin the crap outta Hinata in their match in the prelims of the Chuunins. like 1. designated match; 2. she was literally goading him about his literally enslavement????????? like anyone who wanna cop for hinata is already someone imma side eye cause for all that she goes through from her dad she never actually suffers from the caste system itself and being 12 doesnt excuse her goading him when she knows damn well what shes doin; 3. the girl would not stop cause of stupid ass naruto, so like yeah she got her ass beat and then everyone and their mother jumped in to protect her but only Gai stepped in to keep Gaara from straight up killing Lee like the double standards. like pls tell me you have no concept of slavery without telling me you got no concept of it... prolly watch movies about white women in the south during the civil war and empathize with them too cause their husband or dad beat them

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

i dont know if there is a character i started to hate causa fandom? like i keep to myself and to my focus, and i generally like what i like and dislike what i dislike on its own merit. genuinely i cant think of a single character where im like yeah the fandom has made me despise them. like if i hated a character, i already hated them.

i think if there was anything i could say i developed a hatred for because of the fandom itd be like n*r*gaa but i still like hate that ship on my own too.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

rlly swingin' a bat i havent swung in a minute but or*ch*m*r* is not a trans icon. he's a homophobic and transmisogynistic caricature and tme ppl are quick to disregard that and deny whats textual about this character's preying on children because it doesnt impact them. lack of critical engagement from fandoms has rlly done a number on the way ppl view this character because back in the day we all knew what was up with him re sasuke and didnt need our hands held to know he a predator in multiple ways and that is rooted in the aforemented -phobic caricature-ness. ppl do the same shit with like bugs bunny where it's like no this character was not a queer icon, this character was doin this shit as a joke and ppl need to learn how to differentiate harmful shit from the shit that's in good fun/genuine

and lord if someone tries to send me anon hate about this like they used to just kno you wastin your breath cause i aint gonna give you the time of day

[tentative-wanderer]

Reviews: Homophobic Cop Marries Gay Ghost, President’s Son Gets Together with Prince

Recently watched 2 movies with gay main characters in different genres. One was Red, White & Royal Blue (available on Amazon), one was 🌟 Marry My Dead Body 关于我和鬼变成家人的那件事 (available on Netflix). Spoiler-free thoughts below 😊:

❤️🤍💙 Red, White & Royal Blue is an American romcom. It has a 10/10 trailer—incredibly inviting. The movie depicts many women in power, I love that! Many witty jokes, nice! The movie might be better if it were a drama series instead; to save time, it zoomed through the falling-in-love part with the use of text messages—the production team packaged that as well as they could, but it was still too rushed. The ending left me wondering if there could’ve been a tiny bit more to make it feel more complete. Though the movie doesn’t score as highly as its trailer in my opinion, it’s still a decent movie.

(That reminds me of how That Musical Montage in episode 1 of the Heaven Official’s Blessing donghua made me super keen to watch the rest of the series, but it turns out that that was the best part. Quality-wise, Red, White & Royal Blue is overall better than the TGCF donghua though.)

👻👮‍♂️💓 Marry My Dead Body is a Taiwanese mystery + comedy + supernatural movie. Let me copy the blurb from Google: “Wu Ming-Han, a straight policeman who is homophobic and ghost-phobic, accidentally picks up a red wedding envelope while collecting evidence. He finds himself betrothed to the envelope's owner Mao Pang-Yu, a gay man who died under mysterious circumstances. The duo must work through their differences and join forces to solve the case, seeking justice for Mao.” (Real-life context: marriages between dead people and live ones are/were an actual thing in Chinese culture.)

I’ve just finished watching this movie, love it! Let me get the “con” out of the way first: I wish the movie ended differently! The ending was not unsatisfying, it’s just that I personally could have been more satisfied.

Okay, now I am free to gush.

This movie is HILARIOUS. Won’t describe the humour here, you can see it in the trailers on YouTube.

I love the unravelling of the mysteries (police cases). The feelings would not have hit half as hard without them and the exploration of Maomao’s non-romantic relationships (formed during his life) after his death. Even though I highly value a good plot apart from the romance when I read/watch something, I like talking about feelings more, so that’s what I’ll do.

I have Intense Feelings about these guys. They went from being Not Keen about getting stuck with each other to being really cute together—I notice that the movie managed to do this EVEN WITHOUT having them hold hands or do anything physical beyond that. That is crazy. Romantic physical contact is great, but if you can show chemistry without it, and with minimal flirting—that is exceptional.

(Side note: I think it would be harder to convincingly depict a heterosexual pair arriving at romantic feelings the way Wu Ming-Han and Maomao did: (partly) through constant banter and trading barbs. A man looking down on a woman would have come across as a lot meaner because the threat that poses is larger in the patriarchal society we live in.)

Wu Minghan went from casually homophobic to being on track for bisexuality for a ghost, such character development. The scene where Wu Minghan genuinely calls Maomao “my husband” for the first time is AMAZING, unexpected. At that moment I was like, oh my god, he loves him. Or at the very least, he has good potential. It had taken a series of hilarious strong-arming, including a close call with the loss of Wu Minghan’s family jewels, to make this dude marry Maomao, but now he’s calling Maomao husband—in that particular state, at that timing. I cried. I was smiling at many points throughout the movie, I also cried at some points. I said something similar when I wrote my review for Merman’s Fall: a book/movie that makes me laugh and cry will go at the top of my favourites list. Unlike my danmei list, my favourite movies list is too short for me to put Marry My Dead Body at the top or bottom, but it’s definitely in there.

[gab-has-adhd]

"I have issues but you're just as bad." 🃏📍

Gab / Lubel / Illumi

28

🇨🇵

🏳️‍🌈(pan-greysexual/demiromantic)

🏳️‍⚧️(agender - masc expression)

Mentally ill and neurodivergent (ADHD, BPD, possibly PTSD, anxiety disorder)

Anarchist

Taken

Current hyperfixation: Hunter x Hunter

Art blog: @lubelzoldyck-artworks

Please be 18+ to follow either of my blogs (frequent suggestive and gore posts)

If you see an opinion you don't like on my blog, please just block me and move on. Don't try to engage discourse with me. I don't like discourse. I am bad a rethoric and it really is just mentally stressful for me. I'm not here to discuss.

I'm an anti, but if you are one and believe death threats / d0xxing / suicide baits towards pr0ships are okay, just fuck off.

Other fandoms I might share stuff of: Homestuck, Saint Seiya, Good Omens, Versailles, Mozart l'Opéra Rock, les Misérables, Undertale, Deltarune, OFF, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Team Fortress 2, Yu-Gi-Oh, Full Metal Alchemist, Houseki no Kuni, Saltburn, etc...

Find my DNI, kin list and socials here:

I'LL COPY MY DNI HERE IN CASE SOME PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO CLICK ON MY CARRD OR CAN'T FOR ANY REASON. DO NOT INTERACT (that means reblogging, yes, even a post I am not the OP of, I check every blog in my notifs) IF YOU ARE:

LGBT-phobic

A truscum / transmed

A TERF / SWERF

A matfem

Far right, alt-right

An aroace exclusionist

A radqueer or supporter

Contradicting orientations / identities

An endogenic system

Believing otherkin / fictionkin / kinning in general can be compared to LGBT orientations / identities

Mad Pride / anti-psychiatry

A pr0sh1pper or supporter

Or if you believe fiction can 100% never ever influence reality

An anti who believes harrassing / death threats / suicide baits / d0xxing is a good and efficient way to "get rid" of pr0sh1p

A drawn CP (l0li / sh0ta / cub / babyfur) supporter / enjoyer / artist

Racist, sexist, xenophobic, antisemite, fascist, white supremacist, etc...

Defending cops

"Doesn't see colors"

Supporting Israël

Anti-kink at Pride

A hisogon, illukillu, zoldyckcest, stridercest or other p3do / incest shipper (even if it stays SFW)

Defending Andrew Hussie

A problematic paraphile (p3do, z0o, n3cro, etc...)

DD/LG, CGL, ABDL

NFT / crypto

Against AI art

Supporting JKR

Actively in the Harry Potter fandom

TCOAL fan

Hetalia fan (yes I know I used to be one but. Really I don't wanna have anything to do with that anime ever again. Thank you)

I pretty much am obsessed with Illumi and Hisoka. Sometimes I will make memes about them or just post rambles about them. I have a "few" headcanons about them, which I talk about on this post 🌸

Frequent personal tags I use:

#gab talks / gabs stuff (when I post stuff)

#gabs face / #my face / #selfie (when I post selfies)

#gab memes (when I shitpost)

#gab replies (when I reply asks)

#gab makes polls

#posts i interacted with

#posts i talked on through tags

#polls (for the polls that aren't mine)

#my beautiful silly girlfriend <3 (when I reblog gfs posts or tag her on one)

#my art (when I reblog my art)

#self-reblog (when I reblog something I already posted or something from my art blog)

#stuff I want / #need

Other frequent tags:

#fav

#forever in my heart (the old fav tag)

#meowing cats

#kitten

#accurate visual representation of adhd

My art blog: @lubelzoldyck-artworks (⚠️ frequent gore / suggestive artworks)

My girlfriend's blog: @sparkling-ladysapphire 💕

My friends: @opossumprince @mey51 @cat-mutual @yamithemoonwitch @forbiddenseason @oloreandil 🌸

PLEASE GIVE MY SNEASLER BERRIES ON POKEFARM ❤️

[collapsedsquid]

Look anon and assorted weirdos who might be pretending not to be anon, I've got my own weird phobic stories, I got the family that was ambushed in Oregon and nearly killed for fear they might be a busload of antifa super soldiers, I got the boogalo weirdo who got into a shootout with the cops in California after trying to drive-by a courthouse, I got tales of attempted and successful vehicular murder, I got cops who I saw airhole a homeless person sleeping on at a bus stop. "Oh look these soros DAs might be letting off shoplifters who could then murder people," look man this does nothing for me.

[www-420angel-com]

.*･｡ﾟ━✧navigation✧━.*･｡ﾟ

WOAH,,,SIMmtv what are you doing here?! Who am I?.... I'm so glad you asked!

alios, 24(YA), cat lover, vegetarian, clumsy, lazy

they/them!!!

.*･���ﾟ☆━━━ my gameplays ━━���ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ

✧ family dynmaics//gen 1

✧ moon phase challenge//gen 1

....more to arrive.

.*･｡ﾟ☆━━━ likes ━━☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ

storytelling, CAS mode, build mode, CC finds

.*･｡ﾟ☆━━━ byf ━━☆ﾟ.*･ ｡ﾟ

DO NOT FOLLOW ME if you are racist, homophobic, support cops, support ICE, transphobic, xenophobic, fat phobic, and don't think Palestine should be free.

many of my stories will have drug use, mental health, and trauma storylines; I will put trigger warnings when needed or if asked.

I hope to bring a good representation in my gameplays and enjoy making a diverse cast of characters, I tend to do research when creating my sims because I want to give the best reputation

Most of my sims are queer and trans because I’m queer and trans

.*･｡ﾟ☆━━━━━☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ

cutest picture under the cut

my simself and my partners simself ʸ(➜◡ु⚈᷉)♡⃛

[genderfluid-faerie-bf]

DNI List

If you ever damaged books on purpose

If you hate on tarot

Light witches

If your name tarts with 'J'

Candle hater

Queer phobic

If you ever used a disability as an insult

Real cops (fictional cops exempt)

People who fish for fun

If your fave animal is a Lion

if you ever disected a frog and enjoyed it

If you have an emotional range of a teacup

If you are or aspire to be a Builder

if you think boys cant wear dresses

If you are Racist/sexist/ableist ect

Harry potter fans (harry fans)

If you think arson is not cool

if you dont like crime brûlée

If you dislike baking

If you dislike Flowers

If you have a tattoo of a cross

If you Drive a Tesla (the tech sides kinda cool thgh)

If you wear yoga pants REGULARLY.

If you thoroughly enjoy eating bananas.

If you hate on gay bacon

If you are white as in english white and are proud of your heritage

If you have a live laugh love sign in your house voluntarily not ironically

If you carry a gun in public

If your exaggerate your height

If you dislike Pokémon or Harley Quinn

If you hate on rainbow metal stuff

if you hate on sunflowers

If you don't think beau is beautiful and amazing and epic

[mysadhappydays]

TW!: Fat phobia, Body Dismorphia

I have been told my body fits the beauty standard. I have a hard time seeing this and not over analyzing myself in the mirror. I don’t think I’ve ever had an eating disorder, but I definitely think I have come close.

When I was about 12 or 13 years old, my family and I were going on a trip to visit family in Korea. I remember telling my mom that I have to stop eating a week before my trip, so that when I see uncle he would either say nothing about my body or tell me that I lost weight. My uncle, was a physical trainer at the time and had a lot to say to my father (his older brother) about how I need to watch my weight because I couldn’t properly do a sit up 2 years prior. I was 10. I proceeded to arrive in Korea and my grandmother would keep pushing her delicious food on me and I would always take a couple bites out of respect (I don’t know what was more disrespectful eating a couple bites and leaving left over or not eating it at all.). Then one day the children were playing and I was with my aunt in the living room. We heard screaming from one of the kids. She and I both bolted up in urgency and ran towards the commotion. Except I don’t remember what happened after I got up. I passed out and ended up hitting my head on a ledge on the other side of the living room. I woke up to my aunt rushing towards me as I felt a large amount of pressure on the back of my head. Luckily no blood was drawn but I woke up laughing and had a big bump on my head for about two weeks.

And now, 8 years later, I am sitting on my boyfriend’s bed after eating a Panera meal. My first meal of the day (aside from butter on a toasted bagel I had this morning after my 8am class). A bowl serving of creamy tomato soup and two baguettes. I feel full, content, yet guilty. Content is not good to maintain skinny. If I’m not still a little hungry after eating, then I ate too much. I don’t eat three meals a day even though I should. But honestly I’m not hungry enough on a day to day basis to want to eat. My fear of fattening up contributes to this, probably. I don’t exercise either because life has always felt so bleak so the only way to maintain the slim figure is to stay hungry. Maybe I am just lazy. Going about it in a cop out manner. But, I am still unhappy with my body. The way that my body is lacking in muscle and mostly inhabited by lard.

8 years later, I don’t deny the cosmetic surgeries anymore, because now it could come into fruition and I could look the way I always wanted. And it’s almost as if, my mindset has gotten weaker and is crumbling under the weight of society’s standards. As my brain begins to shrink, my thoughts will be ever expanding. 8 years later, I wish I didn’t still feel this way about myself. I wish I felt comfortable in the body I have. These thoughts make me inherently fat phobic, and I feel terrible about it. I believe all bodies are beautiful, in all shapes and sizes and colors. Just not on me. But I could be. I am jealous of people who can maintain such beautiful minds and bodies. My life has been a constant battle between me, myself, and I.

It’s a never ending cycle and it all comes down to me,

I am ashamed of myself.