#constantly.) i am utterly unable to deal with them and the only thing i can focus on is trying to be quiet and not start sobbing

[pepprs]

this week has been so fucking horrible. genuinely

[i-rationality]

- to the overachievers, to the dissatisfied, to the try-ers.

    I struggle a lot with dissatisfaction; feelings that I’m not good enough, that I haven’t accomplished enough (if anything at all), that I haven’t proven myself to this world. A part of me craves people to be in awe of me and of all that I have done, as if my accomplishments make up my character, as if they serve as a metric of how deserving I am of the space I take up in this life.

   I know I am not alone in this. I know there’s plenty of burnt-out kids and overachievers; overall resilient people who fall, time and time again, and force themselves to get back up. 

To those people(, to me): Please, never forget how strong and worthy you are. 

One learns by struggling. There is no virtue in being naturally good.

    I wonder if the gifted have the pleasure of experiencing the euphoria of actually winning, of encountering the victory after the battle, the pride of not quitting when the pain started to get overwhelming. Actually winning, as in putting your all, your tears, your sweat, your time, into something, and seeing it come to fruition; feeling accomplished even if said fruit seems minute to others.

    I used to crave to be gifted, to be naturally good, to not be a try-er. Eventually, I realized I would miss the pride that fills my chest each time I overcome challenges, despite how minimal they may seem to outsiders. The gratification of having achieved something out of your own strength, discipline, and patience is irreplaceable.

One learns by struggling therefore, those who get things first try are idiots. 

    I am immensely grateful for all of the pain, envy, sadness, and dissatisfaction I have felt; it shaped the person I am today. And I am not going to lie, pretending that I have a beautiful and mindful perception of myself, that I am wholly satisfied with what I’ve accomplished. I still have days where I feel stupid, empty, meaningless, and utterly unfulfilled, unable to compare to all of the bright lights I have seen and I have met. None of these personal considerations are true, and by constantly facing these thoughts, I was forced to learn how to cope. I learned to pay more attention to my mental wellbeing when deep in work. I learned to look at concepts from a multitude of perspectives. Above all, I learned to quickly find the sources of my ailments and heal by rectifying the context surrounding them. (This is more expertly and effectively done in therapy which I heavily advise and partake in.)

    Reiterating, I am not stupid, empty, meaningless, or even utterly unaccomplished. What I am is a hundred times more patient, resilient, strong, and equipped to deal with setbacks than someone who never learned how to fail.

How to fail is one of the most precious pieces of knowledge to exist, in my opinion. 

    Being able to fall and get back up, letting disappointment inspire you, not invite you to quit, is a great asset. It is crucial to have this mentality so you can, not only survive but, live and thrive in academic spaces.

    Furthermore, there is something to be said about the intelligence residing in “stupidity”; how you start to find patterns in the difficulties and optimize overcoming them. How you are not as affected by the consequent shame of ignorance, opting to find comfort in the notion that there is something new to learn.

 - So, to the overachievers, try-ers,  burnt-out, forever dissatisfied, and “never good enough”s:

    I urge you to take care of your brain by applying the patience that you’ve hopefully learned. Do not ruin your most precious commodity, your mind. 

    I urge you to apply the strategies you’ve learned, the structured to-do lists, the study methods, the reward systems. To actively use all of the tools you’ve found in your struggle, the same ones you can and should utilize to get ahead. 

    I urge you to remain try-ers and to appreciate your natural strength and ability to adapt, your ability to push forward, to continuously become more agile and resistant. 

    But, above all, I urge you to remain dissatisfied, disconnect your worth from your actions, but keep the hunger, keep the craving for movement, keep the ambition. Never forget that the loss of one opportunity does not mean scarcity of others. Do not let a momentary obstacle stop you, do not lose balance.

One learns by struggling, therefore those who fail will always be the most powerful. And I mean that in every sense possible.

    Every time you fall, every time you fight, every time you decide to keep going, you learn something that those who never struggle will never know. And when encountering the same setbacks you’ve overcome, they won’t have your ease, confidence, or strength. They might just quit.

    I know you endure far too much pain, especially in the hands of your own mind, but know that diamonds are built from pressure, know that failing is the only way to win.

[mental-health-advice]

Hi! I am not diagnosed but I have been positive I have pocd for a long time now and I really need ur help

I’m not attracted to children in any way, I find the thought utterly vile that anyone would want to do that do a child.

A thought came to my head the other day that when I was around 13 I read a nsfw fanfiction about 8 year olds

As a 13 year old I only read it because it was smut and I was only just discovering about the sexual world, I’ve had a really hard few days trying to convince myself that I’m okay

Do u have any tips? Thank you!:)

Well shit my pocd's acting up yet again. I felt attracted to an underage anime character for a couple of seconds and now I'm yet again googling things to see if I'm an ephebophile and having a panic attack. The attraction might just be a bout of pgad. But I feel like I'm just making excuses bc I don't want to be a predator. Am I really suffering from pocd or am I actually an MAP?

Hi,, okay this is that same 16 yo with POCD, and now that I’ve got my thoughts in order I feel I can ask questions in a better way.

- I developed POCD in June, in truth before then I’d experienced these thoughts before, like once or twice, however had brushed them off cause ‘no way, that’s not who I am obviously, ew that was random.’ They only reappeared when I saw a child and had an insanely strong gronial response - causing me to panic and be unable to eat for like a week, vomit and feel depressed before I did research.

- Since then it’s gone and returned - usually worse cause Ik more and my brain asks more questions. As of rn I’d say im ending this current phase. The thoughts no longer freak me out - in truth I no longer really get them. My main current worry are gronial responses. I’ve never really experienced sexual or romantic attraction, however as soon as I think of my pocd (which is like all of the time) I instantly get a gronial response. They last for ages - it’s awful. I’m now worried that this is just sexual attraction and that this is beyond my control - even though I never really have sexual thoughts anymore? They also usually make an appearance whenever I see a child or anything related to them. Like automatically, usually accompanied by a quick thought just to scare me more. This sucks and I hate it. Before POCD I used to really enjoy reading romantic novels - now I can’t cause I constantly monitor my reactions to them and freak when I don’t feel aroused by then anymore. I want to experience sexual attraction with someone I want to be with, and I wanted my first crush/relationship to be special however Ik that attraction can’t be forced. Now I panic constantly and worry that that crush will never appear cause what if I’m just in denial. I freak out when I look back at how my POCD started cause what if that was an awakening or sm?? This makes me depressed and numb - and doesn’t go away as I constantly preform compulsions, like research, scrolling on forums or ruminating (which is all the time-) This is quite distressing to reach out about, and through I am seeing a therapist idk what she‘d say about all of this, ik That you guys have had POCD asks before so I wanted to reach out. I’m very sorry about how long my previous asks have been - it’s annoying and I’m repeating myself, I’m just in a bad place rn and feel the need to share my honest feelings somewhere. I wish I could go back but Ik this isn’t possible. Any tips/good advice? This’ll be the last ask I send - yet again I am so sorry.

i deal with near constant groinal responses. not even just around the focus of my obsessions, but everyone. someone touches me? groinal response. someone looks at me? groinal response. i hear a loud noise? groinal response. i feel horrible and they're all completely unwanted. i don't think it's pgad, just ocd, so i'm wondering if you have any tips for dealing with them? i try not to focus on them, but i guess the more i try not to focus on them the more attention i'm putting on them, which leads to more responses 😭 i plan on seeing a professional soon, but i'm worried they won't understand, especially since the responses aren't really even caused by thoughts anymore. they're automatic.

Hello there,

I'm sorry that you're going through so much distress. I can hear a lot of anxiety, confusion and fear in what you're saying. I realised I answered a message from you yesterday without the whole story, or all the thoughts surrounding the issue. I've put your few messages together to make one big reply to, to make everything easier to access. There's a few things that need addressing here, so I'll try break it into chunks.

Firstly, thank you for being brave enough to reach out when you need help for something that feels so scary. You've done a really great thing! It seems that no matter the underlying cause of the arousal, you are experiencing extreme distress over it. And you know what can exacerbate or cause arousal of the genitals? Anxiety, fear, the flight/fight response. So every time you're feeling arousal now, you're panicking, which can lead to actually experiencing more arousal. What would be a really good start is when you feel that sensation, use some calming techniques. Take a moment to close your eyes, and do some slow, deep breaths. Allow your body and your fight/flight system to slow down. It may help to imagine something nice and relaxing as you close your eyes and do this breathing - maybe a beautiful location you've been to before that makes you feel safe and relaxed.

Now, you've said that those thoughts aren't you. They're intrusive and obsessive thoughts, which can be scary. Try to remind yourself of this. Try to see those thoughts as a separate thing - like a scared friend that's jumping up in fright and yelling "I'm scared, I think I feel this! This is wrong!". What would you say to this friend? Can you try say these things to yourself. This is the way that I address my inner anxiety sometimes. I treat it like a friend. I tell them it's okay, I'm here for them, that they're panicked right now but we're going to work through that together. Maybe find a distraction or even literally give myself a hug! It's okay to do these things, to soothe yourself and help keep in control of the anxiety.

As for the specific examples you've given, there could be a few reasons why you're experiencing these kinds of responses. I just want to note first that I'm not a medical professional, and can't give advice that would substitute theirs. So the first situation, you were 13 and reading NSFW fan fiction. There's a few things that stick out to me here. Firstly, you were 13 and there's a lot of changes going on in your hormones at that point, and arousal can happen even spontaneously for some people going through puberty. You were reading a NSFW fan fiction, and this was your first exposure to sexual content. Arousal would be a normal response in this situation. I know you've said the fan fiction involved a child, but it is possible that your reaction had nothing to do with that, and everything to do with hormones, and reading sexual stories. The second situation was a brief feeling of arousal at an underaged anime character. Now, don't get me wrong, there's some great things about the anime world, but there's also some really yuck things about it. One of these things is that artists specifically sexualise young characters, children characters. Did this character have sexualised features? If the answer is yes, which I feel it likely is, then your reaction was likely to those sexualised features and not to the fact it was a young teen.

I want to tell you a very personal story that I don't think I've ever shared with anyone. It very much ties into the body experiencing and confusion flight/fight arousal and sexual arousal. Just a trigger warning that this paragraph will mention sexual abuse. If that's too triggering, please do skip to the next paragraph. I experienced abuse as a child, and one day I was watching a movie with my husband and a graphic scene came on of sexual abuse that was extremely similar to something I experienced. The way my body responded was what I thought was sexual arousal. After it happened, I had a terrible guilt in my stomach, like how could I ever get aroused from seeing something so horrible, something I really tore my own life apart? I also went on a googling trip that night, because I felt sick to my stomach and was bawling my eyes out. As I read, I found other people who had very similar experiences (in this case, people who had been abused getting aroused by seeing scenes of that abuse). So I started to read why that would happen. What I came across was: it's normal for people to be aroused during sexual events that they did not want to happen, and that sexual arousal is a response driven by our fight/flight system. Another word for an activated flight/fight system is arousal. When you experience that fear, your body becomes aroused (ready to run or fight). This can include blood rushing to the genitals. So what I experienced was actually a natural fear response from my body, that my mind then interpreted as something very wrong. Now, I can't say for sure what you are experiencing, but seeing as these seem to be very intrusive thoughts, it could be possible that the intrusive thought triggers fight/flight (arousal), which your brain then interprets as sexual feelings, rather than bodily arousal as a response to distressing thoughts. This seems especially true to me given that you no longer experience what you thought was attraction, but you do experience this response every time you think of those intrusive thoughts. When this happens, go back to what we discussed above - calming your brain and your body down, letting the bodily arousal relax and the stress melt away. You may find that by calming your body in these moments, that feeling of arousal will fade.

Again, I'm not a medical professional, so I unfortunately can't give you an answer as to what exactly you are experiencing. It certainly sounds like you are experiencing a lot of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. You also have said multiple times that you might be experiencing PGAD, which is a medical condition of persistent, unwanted and often unprompted arousal of the genitals. These could all be true - but the only way you will know is if you seek the help of a professional. I know that this sounds very scary, especially given how scared the topic makes you. But if you can, I really recommend reaching out to an adult that you trust. We have a page on getting help here that shows the different people you can reach out to. If you don't know how to start, you could try writing down what you want to speak about, or start out by saying "I am experiencing intrusive thoughts and they are causing me anxiety". You deserve to get some support through this. I do think that seeing a therapist would be a really good idea for you. It will help you to work through the confusion of it all, and also build up some tools to help cope with the activation of your fight/flight system.

I really hope that this offers your some insight and some tools to help. Don't be sorry for reaching out, it was a really brave thing to do. We're always here if you need more help too.

Sending positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

[genevievemd]

head scratches e and g

Confessions

Book: Open Heart: Third Year Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Genevieve McClure) Word Count: 1399 Rating: G Category: fluff, hurt/comfort Trope(s): and they were in the office

Summary: MC has been feeling unsteady, and Ethan has finally noticed. 

No Warnings

A/N: this turned into a post ch 4 (bk 3) fic. Because I’m a little disappointed that PB didn’t let us talk to Ethan about the weird shit he was doing with Harper. Also look at me, once again using a one word title, because I suck at titles and its 3 am and I’m too tired to try to come up with something better. 

The sun sets outside the floor to ceiling windows, casting the diagnostics office a dance of shadows and lights. Ethan gets up from the desk, walking over to shut off the fluorescent lights leaving the room in growing darkness. He rolls his neck as he returns to the desk, turning on the lamp on the wooden surface. 

He’s felt a migraine forming all afternoon, since Leland’s bombshell that Ethan’s rival would now be joining his team. The sense that all control is steadily slipping through his fingers, growing by the day, by the hour it seems. 

What was promised to be a democracy was now nothing but a dictatorship disguised in new equipment and pay raises. 

Ethan closes his eyes, leaning back in the chair, desperately trying to cling onto the thoughts of the one good and stable thing he has left. 

Genevieve. 

“How are you feeling?” 

A soft voice breaks through the silence, Ethan opening his eyes to see the very thing he was thinking of standing in the doorway. A pleasant warmth runs through him, he’s not a man that believes in fate, but there is something utterly divine in the way she appears at the very moment he needs her. 

Genevieve walks to the desk, every step that brings her closer settling the anxiety and rage boiling inside him. She smiles sweetly at him, perching herself on his desk.

“Like I’m slowly losing control.” Ethan sits up, a hand coming to rest on her knee, thumb tracing circles on her skin. “It’s bad enough we have to deal with Bloom, but now I have to contend with Tobias as his lapdog, as well.” 

“You have me, though,” Her green eyes fill with warmth as she leans forward, holding his cheek delicately in her hand. “And I’ll always be on your side.” 

“I know. I’m incredibly thankful for that, believe me.” 

They share a smile, that four letter word swirling around his head for the umpteenth time as they get lost in each other. Gen breaks the spell, hopping off the desk and settling in his lap. His arms come around her without a second thought, pulling her impossibly closer. 

“How can I help?” Her words are nothing more than a whisper as her fingers trace his jawline. 

“There’s nothing you can do, unfortunately.” 

“I can at least try and alleviate some stress. It’s what girlfriends are for, after all.” 

The word girlfriend sparks something inside him, setting his heart into a rapid beat. They haven’t discussed terms, which is mostly his fault. In the moments when he has Gen alone, he spends the time doing everything but talking. The need to make up for the months he had spent pushing her away taking precedence over defining what they are to each other. But he knows they need to have that talk soon, he can see her growing impatient and hesitant with each passing day. 

Gen takes off his glasses, tossing them onto the desk. She threads her fingers in his hair, scratching lightly as she goes. He closes his eyes again, forehead coming to rest on her shoulder as her fingers continue to weave through his hair.  

“I meant what I said at lunch, G. Just having you in the room makes me feel more at peace.” 

“Should I stop then?” 

“Absolutely not.” He kisses the side of her neck, nuzzling sweetly. “I will take any and all forms of affection from you.” 

“Quite the difference from last year, Doctor ‘We Need a Reset’.” 

“We all have a lapse in judgment from time to time.” 

“Mhm.” He can feel her giggle, his arms tightening around her. 

They settle into an easy quiet, drawing comfort from a shared space. 

As much as he wants to get lost in her touch, he can’t help but fall back to the thoughts of Gen’s newfound uncertainty. Ethan’s half sure it has something to do with him, but he hopes more than anything that it’s not. Praying instead that it all falls to the new easy comradery of the team and the ever growing changes their employer makes. 

He wants nothing more than for Genevieve to confide in him, lean on him in the same way he leans on her. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s been bothering you lately?” 

“It’s not important anymore.” 

“I beg to differ, Gen.” He presses a kiss to her shoulder before lifting his head to look at her. “You’ve been tossing and turning every night for a week. Something is wrong.” 

“I don’t want to ruin the moment or make you feel more stressed.” 

“So it’s me?” 

“I didn’t say that.” 

“You didn’t have to.” His brows furrow at her lack of honesty, she’s never been this closed off before. Its unnerving and so unlike her. Fear settles deep in his bones as their eyes meet, the need to find a solution growing with every second that passes. “I can’t fix it if you aren’t forthcoming.” 

“It’s already fixed, kind of.” She sighs, adverting her eyes from him again. “Harper more or less set things straight.” 

“Harper?” Ethan tilts his head, face scrunched in confusion. 

“I was... feeling unsteady, about my place on the team and with you.” 

“With me? The team I can understand, but I thought things were fine between us.” 

Her face drops, taking a breath. “You really have no idea?” 

Gen gets up from his lap, moving back to her previous spot on the desk. The distance she places between them is small, but enough to make his heart ache fiercely. 

“Let’s put it this way, if my ex joined the team and I spent more time reminiscing about our history - weddings and flamenco lessons and dates at some intimate bistro named after a freaking Disney character - and you had to sit here, constantly interrupted, looked over and forced to listen to every second of it, how would you feel?”

“I was doing that to you.” The pain he feels is instant, regret following quickly after. “I didn’t realize.” 

“Which, if I’m being honest, Ethan, makes it hurt ten times more. Because that says that you didn’t think of me or my feelings at all.” 

He wants to jump up and dispute her claims. She’s the only thing he thinks of on most days and it kills him that he’s somehow made her feel the opposite.

“I don’t care that you’re friends with your ex, Harper is wonderful. But when you sit here and talk about dates you went on and veer off topic to bring up some inside joke, it makes me feel like you don’t respect me or our relationship. Like this is a casual fling you could quickly let go off and not a committed relationship. Like I’m an afterthought and that isn’t fair to me.” 

Ethan stands from his chair, unable to cope with the distance between them any longer. He steps in front of her, holding her face in his hands. “This isn’t causal, Gen. Far from it. And you’re not an afterthought, you never have been.” 

“Yeah, well actions speak louder than words and half of your actions lately say otherwise.”

“You’re right. I was being inconsiderate and tactless” He can see by the way she pulls away that his words aren’t enough. If he’s going to really set things back into place, Gen is going to need a real apology. 

Ethan lets out a breath, holding her gaze for a long moment. “It was wrong of me to do that to you, even worse that I did it without realizing. Your thoughts and feelings are important to me, they take precedence. I’m sorry, Genevieve. Truly. It won’t happen again.” 

“Thank you.” She reaches for his hand, interlacing their fingers. 

“Not that there’ll be a next time, but should I do something this imbecilic again, feel free to call me out on it sooner rather than later.”

“Trust me, I will.” 

Her smile returns, brighter than it was when she’d walked in ten minutes ago. Ethan leans forward, pressing his lips to hers in a bruising kiss. He gets bolder when she sighs, as she opens up to him and threads her fingers through his hair. 

“This is teetering towards a pg-13 rating.” Gen mutters against his lips, their foreheads pressed together as they catch their breaths. “Take me home.” 

“Whatever you want, Rookie.”

a/n: it took me all week to get this to a point where I liked it enough to post it. But we did it and I like it enough. 

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[sk1fanfiction]

the many faces of tom riddle, part 1

-no hate (this is merely my humble opinion) but i strongly dislike tom hughes as tom riddle, and here’s why-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION.

Just personally, this fancast induces a lot of cognitive dissonance for me, but this is the first time I’ve been able to sit down and articulate properly why it always throws me for a loop.

Now, does he fit the visual/aesthetic archetype?

Yes. I understand completely why people like this fancast. We know that he is studious, intellectual, and (at the time people generally fancast him for) involved in the criminal underground, and he more-or-less fits the physical description.

And, to be clear, it’s not that I don’t think Tom Hughes could play Tom Riddle, it’s that I don’t think the character he plays in the fancasts is a close enough approximation of Tom Riddle.

For me, herein lies the issue.

Tom Riddle’s character is all about the emotions bubbling under the surface. He’s a disaster waiting to happen -- he’s angry, he’s lonely, he wants revenge, he feels empty and hopeless and desperate, he’s irrational...

Not sure what movie/show the Tom Hughes clips come from, but the character he plays isn’t that at all. the character he plays is very self-possessed, poised, self-aware. Reflective. Remorseful (there are clips of him crying when/after he shoots someone). Introspective. 

That, to me, is not Tom Riddle at all. 

Yes, he does deal with moral conflict, but it’s never at the forefront of his mind. It’s not something he’s constantly grappling with. He doesn’t really... brood in this Hamlet-esque way.

Tom doesn’t think. Sure, he plans, he ruminates, he rationalizes a posteriori. But he’s very unaware of himself (in fact, it’s one of his fatal flaws). It’s not that he doesn’t have emotions; just that his internal state is a mystery most of the time.

He doesn’t connect with his own emotions; he is completely estranged from them. Tom cannot tell you whether he is happy or sad (not just because of his pride). He keeps his emotions and moral compass (which are highly uncomfortable things), in a locked little box, swallows the key, and disregards them. And yet, this character connects so deeply with his emotions that even the audience can see exactly what he’s going through. 

(There’s an openness -- an ease of vulnerability -- that Tom Riddle doesn’t have)

The thing about Tom, is that he hates himself just as much as he hates everyone around him. Creating Horcruxes to save himself from death is not an act of self-love, or even narcissism to the extreme; instead, forcibly ripping your own soul seven times is the most literally and metaphorically self-destructive thing a person could possibly do.

"Of the Horcrux, wickedest of magical inventions, we shall not speak nor give direction —"

If we go all the way back to Book 1, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, you’ll remember that the eponymous material (first described in the Epic of Gilgamesh) is capable of producing the Elixir of Life, a magical substance that makes its drinker immortal, as long as you have a steady supply. Not only that, but according to the beliefs of historical alchemists (such as Nicholas Flamel), it was capable of curing any disease. In the alchemical tradition, it symbolized perfection, enlightenment, and heavenly bliss.

If all Tom Riddle was concerned about was prolonging his life, this is the obvious (and better) option.

Here’s the alchemical symbol of the Philosopher’s Stone. Looks kind of like the Deathly Hallows symbol, right? It represents the interplay of the (at the time, believed) four elements of matter -- a sort of periodic table, if you will.

The mature Philosopher’s Stone was believed to be a red stone (for making gold), and the immature one a white stone (for making silver). Rubeus Hagrid and Albus Dumbledore, anyone??

"So he's made himself impossible to kill by murdering other people?" said Harry. "Why couldn't he make a Sorcerer's Stone, or steal one, if he was so interested in immortality?"

And Dumbledore responds:

"But there are several reasons why, I think, a Sorcerer's Stone would appeal less than Horcruxes to Lord Voldemort.”

"While the Elixir of Life does indeed extend life, it must be drunk regularly, for all eternity, if the drinker is to maintain the immortality. Therefore, Voldemort would be entirely dependent on the Elixir, and if it ran out, or was contaminated, or if the Stone was stolen, he would die just like any other man. Voldemort likes to operate alone, remember. I believe that he would have found the thought of being dependent, even on the Elixir, intolerable...”

And while, yes, he did try to steal it rather than make it, I am sure that in the time it took Tom to make all of his Horcruxes, he could have learned enough alchemy to produce it for himself (or wheedled the information out of Nicholas Flamel). While Dumbledore hypothesizes that it’s because Tom hates feeling dependent, this must be irony, because he spends the first book as a literal parasite, the next three as a virtually helpless creature, and the remainder still reliant on his Horcruxes.

"Well, you must understand that the soul is supposed to remain intact and whole. Splitting it is an act of violation, it is against nature."

But, like me, Dumbledore is making guesses at Tom Riddle’s internal state, and in this case, I think, he’s made an oversight. Horcruxes make him equally as dependent as the Philosopher’s Stone would have. It’s been established in canon that you cannot make yourself immortal without help; either you rely on the continued existence of your Horcruxes or your supply of the Elixir.

And while the Elixir represents the positive aspects of eternal life, like renewal, rebirth, and the cyclical nature of the universe (see above the ouroboros of Cleopatra the Alchemist, one of the four women who knew how to make the philosopher's stone), a Horcrux is antithetical to life. It represents disorder, and once the creator of Horcruxes dies, they are unable to move on from Limbo -- shut out of the cycle. Harry describes Tom’s mangled soul as looking like a flayed and mutilated baby -- permanently immature and stagnant.

This theme of destruction is furthered by the Golden Trio’s discussion on how to reverse the process:

Ron: "Isn't there any way of putting yourself back together?"

Hermione: "Yes, but it would be excruciatingly painful."

Harry: "Why? How do you do it?"

Hermione: "Remorse. You've got to really feel what you've done. There’s a footnote. Apparently the pain of it can destroy you. I can’t see Voldemort attempting it somehow, can you?"

With this in mind, we can surmise that Tom is either (a) impatient, which we know he is not (b) there was some deeper reason for favouring Horcruxes -- so, yes, I believe that either metaphorically or literally, this was self-harming behaviour.

He takes on the name of Lord Voldemort because he hates himself, Tom Marvolo Riddle. He hates the Muggle part of himself so much that he’s willing to tear apart his entire being. 

"Voldemort, is my past, present, and future, Harry Potter..."

If that isn’t renouncement of himself, I don’t know what is. He was clearly not born Voldemort.

While of course, this does NOT excuse ANY of his actions, I find it vastly implausible that the likes of Malfoy, Mulciber, Carrow, etc... would have been welcoming in any way, shape or form to an assumed ‘Mudblood’ in scruffy secondhand robes from a London orphanage, and as such, indoctrinated him into his fanatic belief in blood-purity via antagonizing him. 

(Imagine Hermione, but poor and without parents, in the 1930s/40s. She would not have been treated well in Slytherin, either.)

Children are more vicious than you think. And while Tom probably gave as good as he got at Wool’s Orphanage (and was possibly an active aggressor himself), Hogwarts wouldn’t have been a level playing-field. (I’ll talk a bit about this and the significance of the Gaunt Ring in Part 2).

In other terms, I think Tom was bullied for having dubious origins. That’s often the swiftest way to radicalize someone, and would have left Tom with a crippling sense of self-hatred that I don’t think he would have even picked up from the orphanage.

(And it’s possibly this early experience with relational aggression that results in his constant need to be on the offensive/defensive, distrust of others, and fear of vulnerability. To me, this is an archetypal response of someone who was a past victim of bullying.)

Why else would an extremely powerful half-blood subscribe so strongly to those beliefs? (Rather than discriminating via amount of raw power or something -- because what Tom is immensely proud of when Dumbledore meets him is his ability, not his parentage). But I digress.

Now, Tom Riddle is never, ever quietly menacing like this. The mask is either completely on or completely off. We never see this character angry. Tom Riddle, when the mask slips off, is fury incarnate. Anger is the one emotion he doesn’t find weak; the one emotion he’s completely and utterly honest with.

Besides, that brings me to my next point. Tom’s not quite so austere. In fact, he’s quite witty, and often quite pleased with himself.

Just look at the difference in their body language. Tom has much more fluidity (he’s circling Harry, the head-tilt, the eyebrows move and he smiles a bit) than the other character, who has so much tension. Yes, they’re both menacing, but in completely different ways. Tom is comfortable with his actions, no matter how shitty they are. This other guy doesn’t like doing what he’s doing, but he’s going to do it, anyway.

Contrasted with the above, Tom’s unawareness of himself is such that we end up with a character who has a bizarre mix of extreme self-hatred and high self-esteem -- he always believes he is in the right -- in this case, doing Salazar Slytherin’s noble work -- while going to extreme, self-destructive lengths, such as tearing himself in half at the mere age of sixteen.

So, sorry... I kind of get the appeal, but... I don’t like the fancast. 

(More unpopular opinions coming at 5:30 PM EDT tomorrow!)

[sarahjkl82-blog]

Artistic Instinct Chapter Eight

Header thanks to the lovely @yespolkadotkitty

Summary: Marcus Pike and OC Anushka Pierce have been selected to work on a 5 eyes (Australia, Canada, NZ, the UK and US) intelligence team to track down art forgeries as a part of taking down an international white terrorism cell. Marcus is trying to escape his broken heart, Anushka is just trying to escape what the world expects of her.

Word count: 5,600

Warnings: Language as always, mentions of drinking, alcohol and drunkenness, mentions of sex OH AND HEARTBREAK

Pairing: Marcus Pike x reader (OC)

This comes with a MASSIVE THANK YOU to the lovely @yespolkadotkitty , who read, re-read, pointed out the constant flipping between tenses and gave me the confidence to try to write something. This is the first thing I have written since angsty poetry as a teenager. Apologies if it is shit!

The right person, the wrong time.

The right script, the wrong line.

The right poem, the wrong rhyme.

And a piece of you

That was never mine

K Towne Jr.

Chapter 8

The black topped streets of Lewisham radiate the day’s spring sunshine as if intent upon sending the heaven sent warmth back up through Marcus’ soles. The evening’s golden light creates a love song in his heart - one that morphs from the irritation and melancholy of the morning to a happier more uplifting tune.

When did that mood change? Oh yes, that embrace.

Nush.

Marcus hadn’t realised just how low his battery was for touch until you threw your arms around him. How much much he’d needed your body close to his again. Feeling your softness against him, inhaling your intoxicating scent. How he’d longed to kiss your forehead and stroke your hair in that cuddle. Remembering the pain of breaking that contact, plastering on a smile and kicking himself for it.

Constantly having to watch his need for your touch and tempering it within the normal parameters for a working relationship, Marcus has found himself reaching out for you- making excuses to touch you as you passed him, finding imaginary eyelashes on your face. Being around you felt like a breath that he was unable to release, continuously having to dampen down his natural instincts to hold and stroke you.

Kiss you.

Taste you.

Had he been back in the States, he would have said fuck it and asked you out, but that didn’t exactly go well last time. The pain of knowing exactly what he wants and it just being beyond the reach of his fingertips plagues Marcus daily with the dream of coming home to be loved, nurtured and protected and offer it in return. How do you ever allow yourself to become vulnerable to that risk of failure again? One thing he is certain of, is your current ignorance of the true level of his feelings. The kindness you show others - so much care for everyone around you, albeit through a thinly veiled layer of sarcasm and swearing- and the love your friends show for you, demonstrate that you would be nothing but clear if he was to reveal his true feelings.

Squeezing politely through the crowds, between the narrow shack-like stalls of the fairy-light illuminated market, Marcus heads towards the Highline where Andy had told each of you to meet him. Before he could start climbing the staircase up, a large hand grasps his upper arm, another patting the space between his shoulder blades. Marcus spins, slightly surprised by the touch, to be greeted by Andy’s grinning face.

“Looking good, Sir. Bit sharper than at lunch today,” Andy observes, giving Marcus’ leather jacket, Henley and indigo jeans a once over, “and before you complain, I am going to get you a beer because of the day you’ve had. You can do your management thing of buying the first round in a bit, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

With Andy’s face explicitly telling Marcus not to disagree with him, he nods, definitely needing that drink. As they head together towards the bar, they are both absorbed into the throng of a hundred voices holding loud conversations as they compete with the soundtrack from the decks. The crowd is a mixed bag of teenagers, students and families - the children chasing or trying to catch the sparkling spotlights as their parents reminisce over large gin and tonics about lie-ins and late nights not hunched over a crib.

Winding their way through the laughing and dancing bodies, they head in the direction of the alcohol to order some locally brewed ales, bumping into an already buzzing Kiritopa at almost the front of the queue. After a round of handshakes, back slaps and hearty laughs, they edge ever closer to their goal of amber nectar. Before their drinks are poured, Marcus’ eyes scan the market for the rest of the team when they are caught by a flash of colour. Bright turquoise stockings, a mustard corduroy pinafore, red and white striped T-shirt - oh, it isn’t you. Your wildly coloured legs bring so much colour to his day and they are the first thing he checks as he enters the office. Elbow nudges and a pint glass from Andy brings his attention back to the men in front of him for a quick cheers-ing of glasses before heading out of the melée.

The table on the Highline that Andy had reserved was utterly perfect. It afforded a bird’s eye view of the market - a true dream come true for any avid people watchers, whilst also allowing everyone to talk and be heard by each other with its one storey elevation from the thronging crowds. Andy and Kiritopa are animatedly talking with each other lounging amongst the piles of cushions and blankets on the pallet seating, while Marcus leans against the walkway, clutching his beer, staring off into the urban sprawl of concrete car parks and fried chicken restaurants but only looking for one face.

“Hey, what time do you call this...Whoa - Nush, is that makeup? On your face?” Andy’s eyes are utterly saucer-like in this discovery.

“Hush your mouth - she did it to me,” you jab your finger in Dian’s direction, pouting your lips at the indignation and as Andy goes to make another quip, you add- shoving some chips in his mouth, “Dirty masala fries- thought we’d need something to line our tummies this evening. Although equally, they’ll do a wonderful job of keeping some people’s mouths shut!”

“I think I did a great job- she looks stunning!” having put three portions on the table, Dian steps back to admire her handiwork as you pull a duck face pout at her.

She always looks beautiful.

“So, what’s on these fries?” Marcus asks as he desperately tries to avoid the other thoughts running through his head of how that pencil skirt runs along the curve that falls and rises from your waist to your hips beautifully or the horizontal stripes of your t-shirt - an outfit winning in its quest to distract.

As for that goddamn red lipstick…

It would leave a mark all around my-

“Ok, so they’re skinny French fries with spices shaken over them and a dollop of channa masala on top. Oh and that white shit is garlic mayo to dip them in,” you grin broadly as you pass him a portion - the picant vibrancy of the food telling stories of the fresh, bold flavours to come. Always being a believer in food being one of the ways that you can love a person, the mouthful of potatoes, spices and chickpeas envelops Marcus in an all encompassing hug. His belly sings with happiness with each mouthful he consumes, his tongue delightfully tingling from the chilli powder.

“Y’know Nush. Not had one of your curries for a while,” Andy not-so gently hints.

Marcus can’t help but raise his eyebrows, “Nush, you make curries? How many other hidden talents?”

“She also plays the piano and did ballet until she was fifteen,” Andy adds, ducking as you lob a cushion at him - your face reddened with a mixture of embarrassment and rage.

“Badly according to my mother,” you say, rolling your eyes as you shove another mouthful in, “Mine aren’t particularly elegant but they are edible. Well they are now anyway - there was one, a keema matar, that I made as a kid where I didn’t realise that chili develops over time. Put in roughly five tablespoons by the end. Could have been used for chemical warfare. Never lived it down but it got me out of cooking for a while.”

The table explodes in uproarious laughter, earning several odd looks from the patrons nearby.

“Well, I’m considering this an invitation to try one of your edible curries as you so eloquently call them,” Kiritopa rubs his belly in anticipation, chuckling at your modesty, “When can we get a date in the book?”

“I love a good curry, so count me in,” Dian chimes in as she pops the chickpeas like sweets into her mouth.

Marcus watches you shift uncomfortably in the spotlight of demands from your co-workers, “If I do this, I need a bigger space to work in as I can’t fit you all in my flat. I’ll need to borrow somewhere that can fit more bums.”

“Could use my apartment to cook and host, if you like?” Marcus proffers, secretly hopeful at trying some of your dishes and perhaps more than a little excited at the thought of spending some one on one time with you.

“Shall we do Sunday evening, if nothing turns up from work?” Kiritopa asks hopefully.

Marcus shrugs by way of confirmation, catching your gaze, drinking in the swirl of colours in your iris, to give you a nod.

With a sigh and a roll of the eyes, you exclaim, “Andy- what the fuck have you started? You’ve all grossly overestimated my skills, and now I am going in search of alcohol to dull my senses and make poor decisions,” you dramatically announce with a theatrical bow, “What can I get everyone?”

Seeing an opportunity open up, Marcus touches your arm as you go to leave, “It’s my round. Help me carry them?”

“Deal,” Marcus feels his heart grow as he sees your smile reach every corner of your face.

Before reaching the top of the stairs, Marcus moves himself around to walk in front of you. His body on an autopilot of manners. On reaching the bottom step, he reaches back - unthinkingly - to grab your hand so as not to lose you amongst the multitude drinking, eating and dancing the night away. The momentary panic that spread at the thought of you rejecting him recedes as your fingers thread between his.

Sending a warm smile at you over his shoulder, you follow in the wake of him quietly.

The people near the bar are flowing like rivers, never stopping for obstacles but twirling, swirling around them nevertheless Marcus guides you through, never letting go. The noise of the chatter and throb of the music surrounds you, not allowing for much verbal communication so he settles for small movements and gestures with the hand that is holding yours. When you finally arrive at the queue by the bar, that is when you can speak a bit more freely albeit in theatrical whispers in each other’s ears.

Marcus watches how the evening breeze kisses you, blowing the strands of your growing-out fringe into your face. How you gaze around and observe people whilst also managing to make him feel like he’s the only person there. The way your eyes crease into crescents when you laugh or smile and how much he wishes he could thank all those people jostling you into him. But like all moments with you, it ends too quickly as soon you’re both heading upriver against the current with your trays of drinks.

“Nush, I’ve always thought it was some kind of miracle that you never spill alcohol,” Andy teases you as you bring the drinks to their owners.

“Hah! I don’t waste the good stuff,” you mutter indignantly, “Although perhaps if we want to protect the office carpets, I should…”

“No,” Marcus mock-sternly interjects at the thought of you being drunk and the chaos that would bring, “No day drinking at work, Nush. I’d prefer the coffee stains.”

Your pout and subsequent upward glance through your eyelashes, makes Marcus turn towards the railings, hiding his thoughts in his beer.

Fuck, Nush.

If you only knew what you do to me.

“Hey Kiri, isn’t it? You playing in the tourney tomorrow?” a deep, cut glass accent calls out, cutting through the crowds surrounding them. Marcus turns towards where the sound is coming from and as he does, he catches a strange look cross your face.

“What the fuck are you doing here and how the fuck do you know Kiritopa?” The tone of your voice, narrowed eyes and furrowed brow makes Marcus turn back towards the group inquisitively.

“Nush! Haven’t seen you in a long time but you are looking amazing,” the voice is attached to a face, the kind that would stop anyone in their tracks, “can barely recognise you with makeup on- you should wear it more often.”

You breathlessly mutter, “Fuck off, that’s never going to happen.”

Good girl. Don’t put up with that BS. You’re better than that.

“I know Seb through rugby training,” then tilting his head quizzically, Kiritopa asks, “How do you know him?”

“Since school isn’t it, so what? Roughly twenty years? Through her brother, Adam as we played rugger together. Although, despite such a long time friendship, you wouldn’t let me in your knickers until more recently,” Seb shoots you a wink from over his beer.

The words burn through Marcus as he considers your connection with this man - his eyes narrowing, lips thinning. Loneliness echoing through his racing heart. He hadn’t considered you seeing anyone else- even for the briefest of dalliances but then not everyone is a serial long term monogamist.

Of course you’d have needs, you are an adult woman.

I just wish you’d explore them with me.

“Every now and then it’s nice to have an orgasm attached to a pulse that isn’t delivered by a battery,” you deliver, utterly deadpan.

Seb pretends to be mortally wounded by your words, playing dead into the chair next to yours, languidly flopping his limbs around. Oh, how Marcus would like to wipe that stupid smug smirk off his face!

For fuck’s sake, Pike. Why didn’t you sit next to her when you had the chance?

White knuckles wrapped around his nearly empty pint glass, Marcus silently watches as Seb desperately works to get your attention whilst you chat animatedly with Dian and Andy while Kiri downs the rest of his beer. He hasn’t noticed the pretty young woman with bouncing corkscrew curls observing him from amongst her friends on the next table along.

“Hey. You look like you could do with a drink, can I get you one?”

Abruptly removed from his poorly concealed glowering, Marcus raises his eyebrows in surprise at this question, pausing for some time before realising that it was aimed at him.

“Oh, look don’t worry. It was just a silly thought...” the beautifully tight curls go to withdraw from view and return to their friends.

“No, I’m sorry. I was lost in thought,” Marcus offers apologetically, “It’s been a day from hell. Let me get you a drink.”

“Wanted to talk to you as I was a bit concerned that you were about to break that glass with how tightly you were gripping it. Glass is an arse to get out of wounds so thought it better to save your hands before you come visit me in A&E,” she gently proposes, “There are better places to spend Friday nights!”

Welcoming the pretty distraction from his destructive thoughts, Marcus’ cheeks dimple as he nods, “I can imagine. Are you a doctor?”

“Yeah, for my sins,” she amusedly huffs, “And on a rare night out, so shall we go get that drink? I’m Kemi, by the way.”

✪✪✪✪✪

Oh, how you long to rip the makeup from your face! As a child, it had been a form of let’s pretend that turned into a mask to hide behind as a young adult as you experimented with finding your true self. Now, that you are established in your womanhood, you feel no need to add layers to your face other than when you are convinced it would be fun by a fast-becoming firm friend.

When Sebastian made a remark about how pretty you looked with the makeup, it made you want to run to the loo right then and there to claw it from your skin.

And what the ever loving fuck is he doing here? Fucking Sebastian of all fucking people, who you accidentally keep finding yourself fucking. You’d just come around to the idea that it might be ok to occasionally go out with people from work but when they meet people from your everyday life - your home life - that isn’t ok. Especially when that person is just a hate fuck. Great in bed but an odious human being as you can’t be that handsome and a decent person, it seems.

Unless you’re Marcus Fucking Pike.

Who is now grabbing a drink with an absolute goddess of a woman.

You couldn’t quite pinpoint why it had hurt so much when he’d walked off with her but there was such an ache deep in your tummy that could not be ignored. Between that and the appearance of fucking Sebastian, you just want to jump on the 178 home and throw on your jammies, curling up under the shit crocheted throw that you’d made during your leave - more holes than stitches. If it wasn’t for Dian, you would already be on your way there, demolishing something unhealthy from UberEats, glugging a wine or two.

Dian seems to pick up on your drop in mood and decides that it’s time for a trip to the tequila bar. With Andy’s husband now joining your rag-tag gang, you agree to chase some bitter hits of alcohol. As you wind your way among the dancers and drinkers, you see him standing by one of the upturned kegs, laughing at something she has said. You catch his eye, plaster on a smile and send him a wink in the hope that your wish for him to have fun seems genuine.

You sign to him whether he wants a drink but a small shake of his head tells you all you need to know before Dian tugs your hand back in the direction of the bar. Standing in front of the bartender, a moment of sadness washes over you until Kiri passes the salt, Seb licks your hand and the rest of the evening finally takes a softer tone after one, two, three.

The tequila in your tummy makes it hard to concentrate on what Dian and Kiri are chatting about while the three of you curl tipsily upon the comfy cushions as a large fluorescent pink, plastic sign declaring TREAT YO’SELF looms large over your heads. Excusing yourself to the loo, you walk past Marcus - steadfastly refusing any eye contact but ensuring he sees you. As you go to repeat the action on the return journey - not entirely sure as to why you feel the need to seek your boss’s attention - a hand goes to balance you as you walk down the final step.

“Whoa - steady, Nush,” you look up to see Marcus’ concerned face looking down at you.

“Hah! I’m ok. You having a good night?” You ask, your eyes searching his, “She’s truly stunning.”

“Yeah, um, were you guys doing shots?” he enquires, brow still furrowed.

“Yup. It's a really good tequila bar upstairs - should have joined us,” you jab him in the chest with an index finger, “So good that the world just looks like an impressionist painting. All swooshy and a little bit blurry.”

You watch Marcus scratching his neck, “Anyway, what on Earth are you doing here with me? Go get her, idiot.”

“Ah, here you are Bad Idea Puppy- thought you’d fallen asleep on the loo. Although that wouldn’t be the first time would it?” Sebastian brays, stepping between you and Marcus as he grabs your hand to lead you onto the dancefloor. Allowing yourself to be led away, you look back over your shoulder at him, mouthing go get her with a wink as if that would soften the pain that had appeared with her.

The music flows through you - the clearest way to communicate you have ever known- your body rolling and swaying with the sensuality of the music. Sebastian moves effortlessly around you thanks to his mother, who having had only sons, deciding that her youngest would get the dance lessons that she’d hoped the daughter she never had, would take. The two of you vent in movements all of what you could never be said between you or to anyone else aloud. As you twist together under the orange stained hazy night sky, you notice the goddess’ hand on Marcus’ face, stroking his cheek. The poisonous ache returns to your tummy and however your face contorts, causes Seb to pull you closer, cradling your head into his neck. You know how the night will end and the loneliness stings.

✪✪✪✪✪

His mouth bone dry, Marcus awakes fully dressed, on top of the comforter, with a cool bed surrounding him. Reaching for his phone, pulling the charging cable from it, he flicks through messages and emails trying to work out what had happened from when Kemi had left him in the bar to rejoin her friends. Her words still ring in his ears - you didn’t come alone tonight - when she had watched his eyes trace your path out of the market. How he’d initially thought about taking her up on her offer to help him forget, wanting to obliterate last night from his memory and lose himself in her eyes and lips. Her final words to him, cutting him to the core- she must be really special and if she is as special as you think she is, you fight for her.

Bloodshot eyes and deep creases stare back at him from the mirror. More grey. They say that age exchanges beauty for wisdom but they are the same mistakes he keeps repeating. A strangled gasp escapes him as he tries to regulate his breathing, lifting his chin trying to fill his lungs with more oxygen. His shoulders are racked by gut-wrenching sobs and like an overwhelmed dam, the tears spill in hot torrents down his cheeks. Marcus slides onto the floor, allowing the grief to pour forth.

His first marriage was too much, too soon, too young. An art historian and an artist in love with creating and observing beauty until the former decided to change tack after being recruited by the FBI. The long hours of training at Quantico, the subsequent hard days and irregular nights as he worked his way through the ranks of the Art Crime department, wrung the patience from his wife. Gradually growing further and further apart until all that was left were two strangers constantly at odds, her cutting comment about how she felt that he gave her only apathy - never coming to her when she needed help or affection. She hated him for the choices he made - feeling that his work was merely interacting with the meaningless. The law enforcer spent more time at work to hide from the inevitable ending until the artist found someone who appreciated her and the beauty she created.

As for Lisbon. Was she really ever his? Wasn’t he really just a footnote in the Patrick Jane story? The whirlwind romance that progressed and extinguished again at such a heart attack inducing pace, emphasised by that stupid-ass move to DC. Although, if it wasn’t for that move, he wouldn’t be here in London now. Oh yeah. That was out of the skillet and into the fire, Pike. Another excellent career move.

So much love to give and nowhere, no one to give it to. The lessons he has learnt and is still learning but oh, just to find that person with whom you can drop that mask and enjoy togetherness, warmth and serenity.

The side of the bath offers a solid cool support to Marcus as he sits there on the herringbone tiled floor, sobbing into his arms. There is only one voice he needs to hear right now. Grabbing a tissue from the side to noisily blow his nose into, he rubs the heels of his palms into his eyes before putting his glasses on. Phone in hand, he dials the number he knows better than his own name.

The familiar dial tone is like a lullaby in his ear, “Mamá?... Hey! How are you doing?... I’m sorry Mamá - I forgot about the time zone difference... I’m ok, just missing you… It’s just been a long week and... Yeah, London is awesome and I managed a trip to France this week which was incredible to be back there. So weird having so many different countries within such easy reach…Come visit me soon?... Thank you... I miss you… Te quiero mucho Mamá… I’ll ring you in a couple of days. Hasta luego.”

Hanging up, everything feels a bit more manageable and less painful- I wish I could bottle my Mamá’s voice. Hauling himself off the bathroom floor, he turns on the faucet to splash icy water on his face. Sniffing his t-shirt, realising the shower could wait - perhaps a good run to get the endorphins pumping would be his best move. Or perhaps a text to Nush to check what ingredients he’d need to have in for the curry tomorrow?

Stop it, Pike. You’re just fucking torturing yourself.

Opening a drawer, he pulls out basketball shorts, a clean t-shirt and a pair of sneaker socks to throw on, discarding last night’s clothes in a heap by the washing machine.

AirPods in and classic nineties dance anthems to pace himself to, he gives his quads and hamstrings a quick warm up by the front door before it is time to convert the emotional pain into miles.

One of the many things that Marcus loves about London is the constant greenery with every second corner a park or stretching heathland. Texas is so proud of its big sky country status and yet, there are parts of central London where you could lie down and not see anything but skies around you. It is truly hard not to fall in love with such a beautiful, historical and spacious city.

Pounding the pavements towards the park, his feet hit the concrete slabs softly, sending small shockwaves to his brain. Whilst Marcus knows that the power in his thighs could have him across the park in seconds, he savours each step. The precision in his movements is perfect as he takes lungful after lungful of the sunshine filled air. It feels like part of a meditation - a mindful prayer. Dodging around errant dogs and small, clumsy yet terrifyingly aggressive children on scooters, he winds his way through the avenues of trees until he comes across a small lake.

He pauses the thrumming music in his ears to just soak up the tranquility of the moment as he stretches out his limbs. The lake is the kindest of nature’s mirrors, never truly showing exactly what is above, but converting it to an image so beautifully smudgy. The weeping willow stroking its branches elegantly across the skin of the water, the clouds gliding silently above as a host of waterfowl paddle effortlessly through the cool, clear pool, all become a priceless Monet hanging in The National Gallery – all free for the looking. Sure, it is transient, changing by the day - unlike the fixed in a moment of time pieces by the grumpy old Frenchman - but that's what makes it all the more precious.

There’s a family by the water’s edge. Marcus can’t help but be amused by the toddler’s antics as they threaten to jump in and become irritated that they can’t, especially when they have their wellies on. Can’t fault that logic! The older child is gathering sticks to make a “campfire” with their dad - discarding most of their parent’s choices with withering looks and expressive rolls of the eyes. The dark-haired mom, whilst trying to reason with the toddler, is swaying with some sort of baby carrier tied around her - a tiny one clutched tightly to her chest. The infant is virtually invisible from the passes of material, only two tiny socks and its little woolly hat peeking free. A collie is also darting between and around them, rounding up his flock of sheep, taking his role as protector very seriously.

The scene makes Marcus smile as he stretches out his muscles. Whilst he can’t help but watch and yearn for something similar in his life, the mom looks up and over in his direction,

“Are you going to come over and say hi or just be a park weirdo that lurks in bushes pretending to stretch?” a familiar voice curtly teases.

Nush - what the fuck?

“Your face is a fucking picture! Take a breath - these are three of my five niblings - big one is Sophia, middle one that keeps threatening to swim in the pond is Alexa and this little dot is Oscar. As for that blundering idiot, this is Adam, my oldest brother- their dad,” gesturing towards your brother you giggle, creasing up in laughter at the sheer shock then relief on Marcus’ face, “Ads, this is Marcus, my new boss that I told you about.”

The male version of Nush outstretched his palm, offering a sympathetic look, “Hi Marcus, pleasure to put a face to a name. I’m so sorry that you have to put up with my cowbag-of-a-sister at work.”

Marcus can’t help but laugh at the friendly sniping between brother and sister, reminding him of his own teasing relationship with his sisters back home, “Hey! Your kids are beautiful. Oh, you must be Sebastian’s friend - who we saw at Model Market in Lewisham yesterday, Nush?” he questions.

“As much as Sebastian can have friends… Oh Nush, you didn’t, did you?” Adam’s face scrunches in disgust and judging in the way that only a sibling can do.

“No! Not this time,” Marcus loves the speed and vehemence to which you respond to your brother- and enjoys the sheer relief that is now guiltily coursing through his veins, “To give the man his dues, he won’t ever sleep with me when I’ve had too much to drink. Not that I was going to and not that it is any of your fucking business in the first place.” You add jabbing your brother in the softness of his tummy with every word you say.

“Nush, I was gonna text you this morning about tomorrow, if you’re still on to make the curries?” Marcus gently questions, willing you to agree.

“Hah! You’re trusting her to cook?” Adam laughs heartily at the suggestion, “I’m not sure that’s the best idea. Our mum still won’t let her near the chilli powder now.”

You growl at your brother, “I was a fucking kid at the time! And yes, I am more than happy to come and cook curries- what time suits you for me to come over? They do take a bit of time to make.”

Marcus struggles to hold back a snort of laughter, “Any time is good - and perhaps while they’re simmering, we can have some classic films on in the background?”

“Ah that sounds perfect,” your smile warming every inch of his skin.

“You sound perfect for her,” Marcus catches Adam muttering under his breath, his eyes widening at your brother’s comment.

“Shut your damn cakehole, twatface,” you slap your brother’s arm hard as you grind the words between your teeth, the two of you glaring with a mirror image of your eyebrows raised at each other.

“Um, I’d better continue my run before I cool down too much,” Marcus manages to spit out between the flushes of heat through his skin, “Great to meet you and your family, Adam. Nush, it’s lovely to see you and I’ll catch you tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow, Marcus,” you smile at him before turning back towards your niblings, who are working together to create a den using an old fallen branch.

“I saw you running earlier,” Adam adds, “You’ve got a really good gait - as a physio, it’s great to see someone not destroying their joints. Do you do anything to support your running through cross training?”

“Uh no, but that’s a good idea as I don’t want any injuries. What would you recommend?” Marcus asks, genuinely intrigued and flattered by your brother’s compliment of his running style.

“Speak to Nush - yoga is perfect for stretching your IT bands, which as a man they’re generally always tight and only get tighter with repetitive movements like running or cycling. She’s the yoga queen and will know of a local teacher who can help you,” Adam grins, nodding towards his sister.

“There’s so much I have yet to learn about her,” Marcus shakes his head as he sorts out his headphones.

“Yeah, good luck with that!” Adam laughs as he pats Marcus on the back, “Anyway, enjoy the rest of your run and hopefully see you again soon.”

As Marcus gradually picks up his pace away from you and your family, his heart that had felt so dark and lonely, now feels light and airy. The release valve in his chest is finally loosened and there is a little bubble of excitement in his belly that he allows to build at the thought of tomorrow. The thought of your presence in his apartment, doing something as domestic as cooking, is truly a salve for his soul.

Perhaps he can just make believe until it becomes a reality.

Tag list of glory: @astroboots @silverwolf319@sirowsky @leonieb @disgruntledspacedad @bison-writes @the-ginger-hedge-witch @danniburgh @sugarontherims @green-socks @tardisfangurl @absurdthirst @pedropascalito @mouthymandalorian @mrsparknuts @lunaserenade @zukoyonce @agirllovespancakes @yespolkadotkitty @theravenreads @lv7867 @songsformonkeys

[mintvender]

UTOPIA [ 1 ]

Pairing: BTS x Y/N

Synopsis: Y/N L/N, the name of the current monarch of Corea. They became the ruler after successfully ending the previous king along with the dynasty as well. In their harem, countless men are present to help balance the court’s power. However, is this truly their intentions? The palace was always a place that needs to be proceeded with caution but as time goes by, recklessness would most likely outweigh it. You found yourself unable to prosper the kingdom without being too connected to it.

HaremAu!

Warning: Profanity

Word Count: 3.1k

a/n: This is the first official chapter of the series “ Utopia”. It is connected to the series “ When the Stars Meet their Sun” which is the prequel to this one. It explains the major events that happen to the major characters and will get released along with this serie.

Masterlist

Being a ruler for some, would be a blessing. Others would shudder with just the possibility of said position. After all, isn’t the crown the most desperate for blood?

Unlike wild animals, humanity has long hunted for more than they could ever need. It happens so often that people would say that greed was the worst trait for a ruler, but little do people like to admit, greed was something that was inevitable. Everyone has at least some greed inside of them, either burying or flaunting it as their unique trait.

Y/N L/N, the current ruler of Corea was yet to be an exception. Though, they have enough conscience to at least hide it and be a decent ruler.

Using their right palm to steady their head, they continued to look over the countless ministers standing in front of them as the regular audience continued to take place.

“ Your majesty, we need to send troops to the east to defend our borders immediately.”

The eastern border connected Corea to the ancient nation that owns the eastern sea. As a result, those people were extremely arrogant and deemed themselves superior because of the amazing achievements that their ancestors have done years ago.

“ The eastern bastards are causing trouble again?” Y/N asked, annoyed.

The ministers couldn’t help but flinch hearing profanities come out of the monarch’s mouth. Everyone knows that such words could not be said during a formal meeting but who were they to lecture the monarch?

“ Yes, your majesty. Even after our recent victory, they have yet to turn around and surrender to our nation.”

Y/N’s eyes glanced up from their nails to the nervous individual, irises gleaming in interest.

“ Is that so? What have they been doing?”

“ Reporting to your majesty, the Grimores’ guards have been destroying our farmlands and threatened many of our people there. As a result, agriculture has decreased by a large amount. People living there are suffering under Grimore’s violence.”

Perking their left eyebrow at the somewhat expected eyebrow, Such ignorant people, Y/N thought.

The eastern land was one of the best places in Korea for hurting crops and agriculture. The crops there almost took up half the entire stock of supplies that the palace gets every week.

So that’s why the servants were complaining, they thought.

“ Do you have any suggestions, General Kwong?”

General Kwong, a name that would bring fear to people across all lands. He was part of the four leaders that have guarded the borders for years on end and have made many outstanding achievements because of it.

“ I believe that it is best to send troops over to the border and eliminate them all.”

After hearing those words, the monarch’s eyes turned cold.

“ General Kwong, you truly do have some courage,” tilting their head, Y/N continued to taunt the general, “ Are you not afraid that they would retaliate? Even if we were to bring victory home, our relationship with them would be on thin string. Are you willing to take such responsibility when such things occur.”

Cupping his left hand over his right, General Kwong brought them to his forehead before executing a low bow to show his respect.

“ My bloodline would take all the responsibility if the eastern bastards were to declare war with our nation,” he announced.

Letting out a smirk, eyes gleaming with bloodlust, Y/N glanced at the bowed figure.

“ How are you so certain that they will not declare war with us?”

He affirmed, “ Compared to the Grimores, our nation is prospering at an inhumane pace. Even if we are much younger than them, they would still have to show some face and be more pliant. The guards at the borders are just teenagers who know nothing and just want a taste of power, I am sure that the intrusions have yet to even reach the main city.”

Have not yet reached the main city, does he mean that…

“ By that, do you mean that the imperial family have no idea about the attacks. And that it was caused by children?”

General Kwong shivered at their tone, feeling all too warm in a sudden.

“ I’m afraid it is so.”

Y/N glared at him, “ You mean that you were incapable of protecting the border? To what? Measly children who have even yet fallen into reality? How daring of you, General Kwong!”  

Practically letting gravity push him towards the ground, he frantically tried to come up with an explanation.

“ My apologies, your majesty! This servant does not know that those bastards were going to threaten the border.”

Y/N did not like shortsighted people to serve under them. People who only focus on what may benefit them would not put out the necessary effort to ensure that they were safe from less ideal possibilities. Hence, why Y/N have to deal with the current mess the east is facing now.

It has only been a few hours after the sun has rises but they could already sense that a headache is brewing.  

“ How shortsighted you are, General Kwong,” Y/N seethes out, “ Did those dozens of years out in the battlefield crippled your brain that you were unable to even think of such a possibility?”

“ T-this servant acted rashly. This will not happen next time, your majesty.”  

Sighing, Y/N shook their head, “ Make sure to keep this promise, General Kwong.”

General Kwong nodded his head immediately, mouth rambling promises to help support his genuine apology. He only stood back up after Y/N motioned him to.

“ Send 1000 soldiers to the eastern border. General Kim, you will be leading this mission,” the monarch commanded.

General Kim stepped up from his position, and bowed down, accepting their command.

General Kim, one of Y/N’s most trusted officers. He was once their companion who has travelled together long before Y/N have to ascend the throne. General Kim was already notorious for his sharp knowledge on various weapons along with a keen mind. As a result, he was one of the first people to be granted a position after the new dynasty was formed.

Knowing that he will definitely complete it, Y/N let out a satisfied nod.

“ Make sure that those kids will never escape from their job again. You can do anything to educate them. Children like them need a strict instructor in order to blossom,” the monarch said, satisfied.

And with that, the topic came to an end.

Seeing the previous topic have finally come to an end, another soon appeared.

“ Your majesty, regarding your harem, this s—“

“ Minister Jung, why are you so persistent in expanding my harem? Isn’t three already enough?” Y/N interrupted.

Minister Jung, another old officer from the previous dynasty who has switched sides in order to survive. He was also a man known for his greed yet a thoughtful insight who would choose the absolute best option, even if it meant being a two-faced bastard. Even though his personality wasn’t the best, he has helped Y/N multiple times in the past thus granting him the position of higher rank.

Minister Jung, was also infamous for his suggestion on constantly wanting to admit new concubines every couple of weeks. Regardless of how powerful he seems, however, he does not get to have the final say. Never in his life would he get the chance to do so.

“ Your majesty, just by having three consorts doesn’t give the imperial a natural balance. Your majesty’s harem has been the most limited in the entirety of Corea’s history!”

All the officers nodded in agreement. They all knew that if their son were to enter the harem, and even gain a piece of the majesty’s favour, then their house’s name will become known for as long as the monarch was on the throne and hopefully even after that.

“ And where are you going with this, Minister Jung?”

“ Your majesty, I suggest a competition to help select a few more concubines.”

Ah… the same old idea, how utterly boring.

“ Continue.”

“ A concubine selection would occur at a good time where the imperial family will be recruiting whoever you see fit.”

Looking contemplated, Y/N then looked over to their bodyguard to see his uncomfortable face. Obviously wanting to tease him, they decided to follow whatever plan the minister was setting out.

“ The selection will definately be happening,” Minister Jung lightened up at their words, but that quickly changed when he heard what came after.

“ But when it's happening will be undetermined.”

“ Y-y-your m-majesty, please reconsider. Your age is not that small anymore, if we were to pass your young adult years, it will be much harder to recruit concubines later on,” Minister Jung then motioned to the rest of his section to follow his lead.

Soon after, over one third of the ministers all yelled out while bowing down to the monarch, “ Your majesty, please reconsider! Your majesty, please reconsider! Your majesty, please consider.”

Seeing how much of a fraction Minister Jung managed to gather for himself, Y/N began to think that all the effort they had put in was all in vain. After all, they didn’t need disloyal bastards? Who knows what they could be planning behind their back?

“ Tch, who do you think you all are?”

Everyone in the room shivered at the monarch’s tone, knowing that if they did not upset them with bringing up this topic, they clearly have now.

“ You think that you could control me with your little words? How daring of you!”

“ Y-your majesty, we don’t mean it that way. W-we all j-just want the b-best for you,” Minister Jung stuttered out.  

“ The best for me? You think that you’re in the spot to do so?”

“ Y-your majesty, p-p-please dwell your anger, it will affect your h-health.”

“ My health? Are you taking me as a joke? Thinking that you can control me because I have yet to fully mature?” Y/N seethed out.

Though, the current monarch was yet to be the youngest but they have still not reach a mature age to properly decipher from right or wrong.

Well, at least that was what they all thought.

Standing up from their throne, they made their ways down the stairs while looking into every single pair of eyes that were previously begging them to reconsider.

“ I believe that you have forgotten that I single-handedly killed the previous king hence ending the Min dynasty. I was also kind enough to save your disloyal asses to enter my court and serve me, knowing the possibility that you all will change sides when another one appears.”

With their words, all the ministers bowed down in shame, knowing that it was true.

“ I was also the one to help you build your fame. You all were lower rank nobles and didn’t have that much influence. I was the one who guided and helped you to become what you are now! And what did you do to repay my kindness? By forcefully controlling me for your own gains?”

Y/N walked to where Minister Jung was, “ It looks to me that I didn’t train you all enough… No, if you even dare to even repeat this same mistake, don’t even think of entering this room ever again!” Y/N announced, “ We’re done for today. Jungkook, let’s go.”

Jungkook then snapped back to reality from Y/N’s mentioning his name. Immediately after, he quickly rushed towards their walking figure and both left the room.

☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️

Not being able to conceal his curious gaze, Jungkook kept glancing at the powerful figure in front of him.

Obviously sensing his curiosity, you could help but rub the area between your eyebrows to help soothe your headache.

Sighing, you told him, “ Asked whatever you want, Jungkook.”

Flushing at how obvious he seemed, Jungkook shyly fidget the violet tassel of his sword, not knowing how to start the conversation.

“ If you don’t mind me asking, how were you able to… to do that?”

“ Do what, Jungkook?”

Jungkook pouted, knowing that you obviously knew what he meant.

“ How you managed to win.”

“Win? I didn’t think it was that much of a victory…In your perspective, how did I do it?” You questioned back.

As he continued to walk behind you, Jungkook tried to recall what he earned in the previous lessons he did with you. Unfortunately, all he got was a few unnecessary words and a black mind.

As a result, he could only go for the most obvious option.

“ Hmm… you managed to control the situation by poking at their weakness?”

“ That... is part of it but it occupies quite a small part in how I managed to do it.”

Jungkook nodded, obviously intrigued at your previous actions.

“ At the beginning, I acted quite intrigued at the suggestion to lead him to where he could possibly make a mistake. You must know, Jungkook, that anyone will make a mistake when their adrenaline reaches a certain point. You must take hold of such opportunities and use it to your advantage,”  you explained.

“ What did you do next?”

“ You must observe the situation and predict what will happen.”

Not understanding your words, the boy stopped in his tracks, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

“ How does that work?”

You stopped in your tracks and turned around, staring into his doe eyes, you let out a smile.

“ That is a lesson for another time but for now, you need to do something for me.”

Letting out a small pout, Jungkook looked at you curiously, “ What do I need to work on.”

“ Your emotions.”

“ My emotions?”

“ Yes, you wear your emotions on your sleeves, practically letting everyone the chance to manipulate you.”

“ Please elaborate.”

“ Alright, hmm… you know how predators always sneak up on their prey and wait for the right moment to finish them?”

Jungkook nodded, “ Unlike you, these predators are always calm and act strategically, making sure that they leave no tracks behind while approaching the prey. They hide into the background and stay silent until the perfect time where they launch towards the prey and end them.”

With this explanation, Jungkook becomes more confused.

“ So I need to be the predator?”

You nodded, somewhat happy that he understood the overall concept.

“ Yes, you need to be aware of what you are letting others know about you. You have to be able to use what you have to your advantage,” you said, “ Do you understand?”

“...”

Not hearing his response, you chuckled, “ You don’t need to understand it now. We will continue to work on it. If you want, go to Taehyung whenever you are free and ask for his assistance.”

You then lift your right hand from their position from your side before setting them on top of his head. Ruffling his ivory black hair before turning away.

Jungkook, on the other hand froze at the feeling of your hand on top of his head.

“... Y-yes, your majesty.”

“ Good, let’s go.”

And with that, you continued your way to your office, content with the current outcome.

☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️

Walking into your office, you couldn’t help but let out a tired sigh. Today was truly one of those days that exhausted most of your energy. Unfortunately, being the person who makes the final say in all the decisions of the nation does not leave you that much time to relax and have your way.

Taking off the outer jacket of your hanbok, you stretched out your back before making your way to the expansive desk in the corner of the spacious room.

Contrary to popular belief, your office was rather simple. With just your desk and a little table for guests as the centrepieces. There were multiple shelves displayed on the other walls. You liked to keep the space simple as the place mostly gets covered in the amount of work you finished over the spans of days.

You made yourself as comfortable as you can in the seat, and began with the papers that were underneath the paperweight. Picking up the brush nearby, dipping it into the already grinded ink, you then began to work on the necessary papers that were starting to pile up.

To say the least, your office was a busy destination. There were constantly people entering your office day and night but you made sure that those people were yours; to ensure that no unneeded individual could get any information that was likely going to threaten your position.

Minutes then morphed into hours leading you into the familiar embrace of the night.

Deciding that it was time to take a break, you stood up from your seat and began to organize the paper into piles that were going to be returned to the different departments the day after.

After that, you began to stretch out your sore limbs to try and relax your tense muscles. Groaning at how your muscles seem to refuse to move, you tried to warm it up by doing a few exercises.

As you were warming up, you noticed that the lavender oil that you have used earlier was still permitting a comforting fragrance within your study. Impressed by the quality, you found yourself spending some time inhaling the scent while stretching out your muscles.

When you were finally able to move properly, you walked towards the desk and pour yourself a cup of tea.

As you continued to work, Jungkook constantly entered the room to refill the pot of tea despite you insisting that you don’t need it. Though, you were thankful for his thoughtfulness as you got to enjoy a cup of hot tea that was tingling your numb senses.

Blinking a few times to help clear your vision, you looked over to the shadow that was behind your closed doors. Knowing who it is, you began to walk your way towards the door after setting your cup down, feeling the need to go for some fresh air.

However, before you managed to even take five steps, a figure suddenly approached Jungkook.

His shadow was quite tall and was quite similar to Jungkooks. The pair seemed to be arguing about something that you didn’t quite manage to catch on. Confused at whatever they were talking about, you started to contemplate whether or not you should intervene.

That worry soon came to an end when the door was pushed open.

“ Y/N?”

Letting the bitter taste of the tea coat your tongue, waiting for the effect to sooth your tired self and come back to life. Your tired eyes that were previously blurring your vision from how strained it was, slowly loosen up before clearing up.

Oh, how you missed this person.

Copyright © 2021 MintVender

All rights reserved.

[wildcreativemastermind]

Canon vs Fanon: Obi-Wan Kenobi

Isn’t it funny how fandom will completely change everything about a character till that character is unrecognizable? And then people think that fanon characterization is canon? One character this has happened to, and the one I’m most familiar with both characters of, is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Fandom loves to warp him beyond recognition. Here’s my breakdown of the 2 Obi-Wans. I’m doing fanon first because I like it the least, and I like to end these posts on I things I like because I come away feeling better when I do that.

Fanon

Obi-Wan is a mess sums fanon Kenobi up pretty well. He’s constantly on the verge of a breakdown. He doesn’t sleep or eat, even when he should or needs to. Other people constantly have to remind him that he is a human and he needs to take care of basic biological needs like eating and sleeping. He also utterly despises going to medics, and he never does even if refusing will kill him, someone else always has to force him.

On the constantly on the verge of a breakdown thing, I am not exaggerating. This man has no coping skills whatsoever. He suppresses his emotions like crazy and his mental health is constantly awful as a result of that. When he is having a problem, he never talks to anyone about it, even if such discussion is necessary. He never opens up to anyone, not because he’s a private person, but because he wants to keep his feelings bottled up and not actually deal with them. This tends to result in him either actually having a breakdown or other characters noticing just in time to make him feel better. He will not cope or feel better if the other characters don’t notice. He basically relies on others and can not manage basic functioning without someone else forcing him to.

Canon

Canon Obi-Wan can be summed up as competent Jedi. He gets upset and angry, he feels things, but he’s not unstable like fanon obi is. Things that will bring fanon Obi to nearly or actually having a breakdown, canon Obi-Wan will be upset by but isn’t brought down by. In fact, canon Obi-Wan will come out of a bad situation and become stronger.

In TPM, his master is killed by a Sith right in front of him. Obi-Wan clearly gets angry and he fights with that anger. He’s knocked down into the pit while the Sith stands there, gloating and causing sparks to fly towards him. But Obi-Wan doesn’t despair. He calms down and is able to get out of the pit and slice the Sith in half. We then see Obi-Wan cry over Qui-Gon and promise to train Anakin. Obi-Wan tells Anakin he’ll take the boy as a Padawan at Qui-Gon’s funeral. And just look at his face when he looks at Anakin! It’s not the face of a man who can’t handle responsibility, it’s the face of a man thinking is this boy ok?

In AOTC, we see that Obi-Wan has been training Anakin like he promised, and he’s a good teacher. Anakin has clearly learned a lot and understands the Jedi ways and teachings (even if he never applies those to himself). He basically spends this entire movie being competent and finding a secret army and discovering the Separatists while Anakin and Padme are having romantic moments.

In ROTS, his friends betray him and his entire culture is genocided. He and Yoda end up in a position where the only chance they and the Republic have is to kill the Sith, one of which is Anakin. Obi-Wan doesn’t want to fight him, but he goes to try to convince Anakin to stop. When it becomes clear there will be no convincing him, Obi-Wan is ready to fight. The fight ends with Anakin on fire and Obi-Wan standing just a little away. Unable to kill him, he walks away, the sadness clear. He’s pretty sad throughout the rest of the movie. The last we see of Obi-Wan in this trilogy is him walking away from the Lars, off to being alone.

And after nearly two decades alone with that sadness and no one to help him cope and take care of him, how is Obi-Wan when we see him in ANH? Is he breaking down? Is he being a major dick to people because he feels awful?

Nope! He greets R2 (and is introduced to the audience) with kindness and a smile.

There’s no point in ANH where Obi-Wan is unstable or breaking down. He spends the whole time just being this kind, fatherly figure and teacher for Luke. And he looks so happy doing it! Just look at his face when Luke asks what the Force is!

This man knows how to smile and feel joy even when everything absolutely sucks and he has every reason to be upset and constantly breaking down. In short, canon Obi-Wan is someone who goes through some of the worst things imaginable and comes out with his kindness still intact but with more wisdom.

[emilyofjane]

Why the Disney Princesses definitely need therapy: a Hot Take

Snow White

Losing her parents as a child and having to learn to take care of herself at a very young age (Snow White is 14 in the movie, and judging by her work ethic, she appears to at least have some experience with living independently before moving in with the 7 dwarves)

Lack of socialization due to isolation

Depression due to isolation and loneliness. This makes the whole “Someday My Prince Will Come” thing much more believable, because Snow White really isn’t in any sort of immediate danger and doesn’t need “saving” or whatever; she’s just tired of being alone and wants human companionship. (And tbh who can blame her? The poor girl’s literally talking to birds and moved in with the first group of humanoid creatures she could find ffs)

This one’s a bit of a stretch, but I’m pretty sure Snow White would also have an unhealthy fear of strangers and/or an irrational fear of being poisoned after the whole apple fiasco

Cinderella

Being raised in an abusive home environment for most (if not virtually all) of her life

The complete lack of positive social interaction throughout her life has probably led to problems with social withdrawal and isolation at some point, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she has repressed symptoms of chronic depression due to loneliness.

Her closest emotional confidants are literally two talking mice, and that just screams “My only friends are animals because their love is unconditional I’ve been invalidated and unloved by every human being in my life” (aka extreme emotional neglect)

She probably has tons of questions about her biological parents that were never answerd because, again, her stepfamily hated her, which would obviously lead to some emotional baggage

If we consider Cinderella III: A Twist in Time to be the new canon, she definitely has some unresolved PTSD from her near-death experience (the “almost getting crushed to death in the carriage because it was transforming back into a pumpkin” scene)

Aurora

Existential crisis because the three fairy godmothers basically rewrote her entire identity as “Rose” and hid the fact that she was a princess

Never knowing who her real parents were as a child, leading to emotional baggage similar to that of Cinderella and Snow White mentioned above

Either the emotional burden of having to make up for 16+ years of lost time with her biological family, or the grief of losing her biological family without ever getting the chance to know them (idk whether Aurora actually got to meet her parents by the end of the movie or if they died before she woke up, because I don’t remember exactly how much time had passed while she was in the coma)

Speaking of the spindle prick-induced magical coma (which is a really long-winded and inefficient way to kill someone honestly, idk what Melificent was thinking), Aurora also has to deal with the emotional burden of how much time has passed while she was in a coma, which would only further feed into the existential crisis and emotional trauma in bullet points 1 and 3.

(Also, off the record, but Aurora’s entire life post-movie is just a hot fucking mess and she really deserves a second movie exploring that concept imo. I know that Sleeping Beauty has already gotten a live-action villain spinoff, but the story of Aurora herself really deserves to be reexamined under a modern lens also. Aurora is easily one of the most overlooked Disney princesses and tbh she deserves more love.)

Belle (feat. the expanded lore from the live-action movie)

Witnessing her mother die from the plague in their own home

Being forceed to move from the more culturally progressive city of Paris to the unnamed “poor provential town” in the movie, where she is clearly the odd one out and is subject to gender inequality on a daily basis (in the form of being publically shamed and socially ostacized for being an educated woman)

Being regularly sexually harassed by Gaston, which is further exacerbated by the villagers and their close-mindedness. Not only is Gaston’s behavior enabled and encouraged by the villagers, but they even go so far as to idolize Gaston — as shown during his namesake song — despite his obviously predatory actions, simply because he is a cishet white man that they find conventionally attractive

Watching her father get arrested despite being 100% innocent...TWICE

Also being arrested when her father is wrongly convicted a second time, by none other than her abuser

Watching her lover — who besides her parents was the first person in her life who truly loved her and respected her intellect despite being a woman — nearly die in her arms, as well as everyone else in the castle (who ALSO respected her regardless of her gender) nearly die at the same exact time.

...And you know, Stockholm Syndrome or whatever. (But tbh, given how everyone in the castle was very kind and respectful and how the Beast was a tsundere at best, Belle would probably suffer far more from PTSD brought upon by Gaston and her previous environment than from “Stockholm Syndrome” in a castle where everyone actually treated her like a normal fucking human being. Unpopular opinion I know but as a sexual assault survivor this is literally a hill I will die on.)

Jasmine

I’ve actually never watched Aladdin all the way through, so unfortunately I can’t give a full analysis of Jasmine’s conflicts...but I have seen that gif of her saying “I am not a prize to be won” and that just screams “I’ve suffered a lifetime of female objectification and gender inequality despite my social status, and not even in the highest position of authority possible am I allowed to have a voice” and idk about you but that is really fucked up man

Ariel

PTSD from being manipulated by Ursula to give up her voice and nearly losing everything (both her previous life in the ocean and the promise of a new life on land with her love interest) because of it

Near-death experience from *vague hand gesture to whatever the fuck that was at the end of the movie*

Inevitable depression from abandoning the only home she’s ever known (the ocean) and leaving her friends and family behind

She’ll probably also need some form of behavioral therapy to help her adjust to her new home on land, whose culture is still extremely foreign to her — and maybe even additional therapy for social anxiety, given how her first 3 days of human interaction were so mortifyingly embarrassing that she’ll probably be laying wide awake at 3 AM and thinking “oh my god I can’t believe I looked Eric’s parents dead in the eyes and brushed my hair with a dinner fork” for the next 10 years.

Tiana

PTSD from literally being turned into a frog

Overworking herself to the point of near burnout, and being unable to fully live out her prime adult years because of said burnout

Constantly dealing with shitty customers, bosses, and other white-collared people disrespecting her and treating her as subhuman because of her career choice, which is unfortunately a common shared experience among restaurant workers and those who work hourly wages

Since this movie takes place in the United States presumably before the 1960’s, it’s probably safe to assume that Tiana also probably had to deal with segregation, Jim Crow laws, and other forms of racism off-screen on a daily basis, which would obviously take a toll on her mental well-being and further exacerbate the issues mentioned in #3

Grief from losing her dad, which has likely been repressed due to her workaholic tendencies denying her the ability to properly take the time to mourn

I don’t even know what to categorize the whole witch doctor shenanigans as, I just know that she and Naveen are both going to need some SERIOUS therapy after going through all that shit

Rapunzel

Being raised in an emotionally abusive and controlling environment for her entire life

Being completely isolated for 18 years with no social interaction whatsoever with anyone except her own abuser

Existential/identity crisis from discovering that she’s actually a princess, that her “mom” was actually the one who kidnapped her as a baby and tried to cut her hair, and that everything she knew about herself and the world she lived in was essentially a lie to keep her obedient to Gothel

Near-death experience (the drowning scene)

Internalized fear and mistrust in strangers — and quite possibly in people in general — due to Gothel’s lifelong warnings that people in the outside world would only want to take advantage of her

Watching the woman who raised her MERCILESSLY STAB THE ONLY OTHER PERSON SHE EVER KNEW AND LOVED IN THE GODDAMN CHEST

Watching the woman who raised her LITERALLY CRUMBLE TO DUST IN FRONT OF HER VERY EYES

WATCHING FLYNN, THE ONLY OTHER PERSON SHE EVER KNEW AND LOVED BESIDES HER GODDAMN ABUSER, FUCKING DIE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER before she miraculously healed him

Because Flynn’s revival was such an uncanny revival that not even Rapunzel knew how she did it, she obviously thought he was gone for good...and since Gothel was gone also, there must’ve been at least a split second before she healed Flynn where, for the first time in her entire life, she was completely and utterly alone. That alone deserves to be a bullet point because holy shit

I’m not even going to get into Tangled: the Series man this list is getting too long as it is

Elsa

Losing her parents at a young age

Abandonment and isolation issues (mostly self-inflicted due to her own fear of hurting others, see #3)

Internalized fear and self-doubt of her powers — and, by extension, fear and self-doubt in herself

Guilt from nearly plunging Arendelle into an eternal winter

Guilt from almost losing her sister (twice!) due to her own direct actions

(Coinciding with #3) Guilt from isolating herself from her sister to protect her, only to nearly get her killed by the very thing she was trying to protect her from

Anxiety. Just lots and lots of general anxiety.

(Omitting Frozen 2 for Elsa because I haven’t seen it yet and this list is getting too long)

Anna

Also losing her parents at a young age

Abandonment and isolation issues, but hers are moreso due to Elsa “shutting her out” as a kid and having no one else her age in the castle to interact with

Lack of socialization in general for much of her childhood, as well as any social anxieties/lack of social knowledge and etiquette/etc. that would come with it

Abusive relationship with Hans (I know it was only one day, but holy fuck that was a trainwreck. What Hans did to Anna is a literal breeding ground for PTSD and trauma)

Coming to terms with the fact that the trolls fucking erased her memories of Elsa having ice powers and that Elsa isolated herself to protect her (and not, you know, because she hated her or something)

Leftover guilt from holding a grudge against Elsa for most of her childhood for shutting her out, because NO ONE BOTHERED TO TELL HER THAT IT WAS FOR HER OWN GOOD and she never knew why

Basically Anna and Elsa both need joint therapy or family counseling or something because holy shit their parents did NOT handle this situation properly AT ALL

(Also omitting Frozen 2 for Anna because I haven’t seen it and this list is also getting too long)

Moana

Surprisingly, Moana’s movie was relatively tame — in fact, because her tribe returned to voyaging and she is now exploring the seas/following her passion, these events were arguably beneficial to Moana’s mental health rather than detrimental. The only emotional baggage I can really imagine Moana having post-movie is leftover grief from her grandma dying and maybe the stress of having to put up with Maui’s shit

[frangipansi]

Hi! If your inbox is open, I'd like to request a scenario with all (or any) of the demon brothers, + undatables reacting to a blind MC? Like, none of them expected to have a blind human and Devildom and they have to revamp everything to make it as safe for MC as possible. Can be she/her or they/them pronouns for MC. Bonus points if MC is extremely talkative and won't shut up lmao. Thank you!

OKAY! So, finally got this one out. I’m sooo sorry for the wait, but I wanted to try and do this right, not just some Daredevil nonsense, but I didn’t want to make the mistake of a ‘helpless blind MC’ either; because they’re not helpless.

I am also lucky enough to have a regular customer at my work that happens to be blind and she has been very happy to give me a helping hand to make this ask more real. She’s such a delight and her guide dog is beautiful and I could ramble on with our interactions, like one time she scolded us for moving the fixtures because she had just memorized the layout of the store then told her guide “you’ll earn that pay check today!”

SO! With her in mind, more so from her younger days that she reminisced with me; I have decided to work this piece around this customer’s condition specifically so I’m not just pulling shit out my arse.

To give you an idea, this MC suffers from Retinitis pigmentosa; their symptoms being tunnel vision and night blindness. So while they are legally blind, they can somewhat see. They use a cane when going out, use their hands and/or cane when inside a place knew to them – that happens to be in poor light (Devildom) – until they have the layout in their mind and move more confidently.

~

This also took a while because I couldn’t get a fic/scenario to work cohesively and hc was just not working either! But I’ve hopefully gotten it now, and I do hope you like it. I’ve also placed this under the cut because I’ve waffled on here.

Diavolo:

Interested. Anyone within the Devildom without eyesight, are generally the souls of the damned who aren’t permitted to move freely. Heck, he’s removed some of their eyes himself.

He wants to know instantly if there is anything he needs to change and improve to make sure MC’s stay is not only comfortable but enjoyable.

Absolutely loves how open MC is. He’s amazed at the resilience of humans; delighted to hear MC say how capable they are, though he does insist on one of the brother’s remaining her escort for the duration of their stay. Capable or not, he is well aware of how demons would use MC’s lack of sight to their advantage.

Really wants to ask how amplified their other senses are; disappointed to know most things depicted in movies are – for the most part – an over exaggeration.

Organises a tablet for them with all RAD textbooks uploaded so they have that ability to zoom in so they are able to read the text at their own comfort. Other systems such as braille, text to talk etc are also implemented if that is something MC prefers to learn by.

Lucifer:

Considers Cerberus as a guide dog? Impossible, the human would be eaten alive. Perhaps another smaller hellhound? Goodness no, they’d still be eaten.

Asks MC about their condition –on behalf of Lord Diavolo of course – so he is aware of anything that may help their stay in the Devildom.

Very pleased to see how receptive MC is, very talkative and informative about her condition; he’s surprised to learn the varying levels of visual impairment. Consults Diavolo on brighter lighting to improve her movements around RAD and already planning on improvements within his own home.

During MC’s first few nights in Lamentation, Lucifer appears on edge; always keeping an eye when they’re moving about on their own. Enjoys watching how they learn to memorize layouts, quietly telling themselves how many steps it takes from one room to another, touching hallway objects.

Ready to run to their side that one time MC walked into the wall; turning into the kitchen a little too soon; until he hear them chuckle to themselves and ran their hand along the wall until they found the doorway and walked through it. No damage done. He’s learning to leave them be, understanding that he doesn’t need to dote on them.

Mammon:

MC is blind? Ooh yeah! The things that boy could swipe to make some quick Grimm, and right under their nose. It was gonna be too easy!! Completely stunned when they still catch him out. “How’d ya know it was me?!”

Watches them narrow their eyes as if trying to spot him before coming up beside him and close the drawer he was just rummaging through. The nerve this human has to threaten The Great Mammon by saying they’ll use their cane to whack him.

Surprised at MC’s explanation on how they knew it was him. They recognised his scent; not only did he have his favourite cologne – which he didn’t think he wore that much of – they noted how he had a metallic smell, like the kind you get when touching coin constantly.

Likes to watch MC move around their room; at first using their hand to remember the layout and then moving as if they saw as well as he did. Considered rearranging things to see what would happen.

Okay, so MC isn’t helpless… but, other demons don’t know that. Considers using MC as bait; distract idiots so he can rob them and sell their things for a little Grimm. “I, The Mammon, am a genius!” “No, Mammon.”

Levi:

Couldn’t even imagine being in their position; all that manga he couldn’t read, anime they couldn’t watch… never knowing what Ruri-Chan looks like!!! Gasp! No way. Poor MC!

Really confused when he sees them one day, curled up on a chair in the common room, wearing a pair of glasses and a book in hand. Wanders over and looks over their shoulder before questioning what was going on; nodding when they told him that with reading glasses and preferably larger font, they could indulge in many a storybook.

As their relationship blossoms, he has a dedicated reading nook in his room for the two of them, including a lamp to brighten the area to help improve what sight they have. Likes that they’re happy to listen to him read to them his TSL series. He thinks about writing to the publishers for the next editions to have larger fonts; that way he could buy MC a set of their own.

He likes to sit and watch them bring things close to their face to inspect them better; his figurines which they – to his relief – handle with great care, or his manga comics to see which characters he’s fawning over.

He secretly loves that MC likes to chill by his fish tank wall. Why? They state that while there’s too much distortion for them to actually make anything out, they enjoy the ambient colouring and light; the two eventually just listen to music together like that as a means to relax.

Satan:

Of course he is utterly curious about MC’s condition and is glad to see how open they are to talking about it. He’ll look things up himself in his own time but nothing like hearing it from someone’s own experience.

Asks if those romance and crime novels are accurate; “so, do you touch people’s faces so you know what they look like?” finds it interesting that for the most part, this doesn’t happen; but it makes sense, he wouldn’t be too thrilled by someone he barely knows putting their hands onto him.

Writes down notes that he considers most important from the board during lessons and offers them to MC should they need them for their studies.

Another one who likes watching MC learn their way around Lamentation, like how they touch cupboard handles until they find the one they need while grumbling about how crappy the lights are.

Shared appreciation for just lying on the ground whenever a cat is near them, all responsibility out the window as number one priority is giving adorable little hellcats their undivided attention. Loves that MC is willing to con Lucifer into believing a cat makes a wonderful guide animal.

Asmo:

Oh poor MC, unable to see just how beautiful he is… Oh, they can kinda see? If he gets real close? Oh he can definitely do that! Bummed that MC promptly puts in some boundaries but once their relationship develops they do enjoy the closeness with him.

Learns – albeit slowly – that his looks aren’t going to win MC over, and instead begins to better understand the value of personality and getting to know a person. Should MC like Asmo, it’s because of who he is and not for all the fluffing he does with his looks.

Whenever he happens to be the brother escorting MC, just know he’ll always detour to the main hub; treating the two of them to manicures and pedicures, facials, all that fun stuff.

When shopping, he loves how MC feels the fabric of things he grabs for them and has an even bigger appreciation for how things feel on him. Absolutely enjoys offering explanations whenever MC would ask about colour or cuts if they can’t make them out should the lighting be too poor for them.

Will starting looking around for ‘fashionable’ canes. Yes, he knows it’s about practicality and he’s not going to take that away from MC, but what’s wrong with wanting to match their cane with that gorgeous outfit he’s picked out from them?

Beel:

Having no experience with a visually impaired human, he’ll ask MC if he should carry them places; it’s no big deal, they looked pretty light after all. Apologises if they happen to get a bit defensive so keeps close while they walk together, worried they may walk into or trip over something.

He’ll be curious about whether or not other senses are heightened due to the loss of another and is lowkey disappointed that they wouldn’t be able to hear someone in the kitchen stealing his food when they’re somewhere else in the house.

He loves cooking with them; the tastes of what he creates seem to be more balanced and they’re more than happy to sneak him a few snacks while Lucifer is occupied elsewhere. They’ll fool around, tasting things to see who can pick up more notes.

Things turn into a game between the two of them; if he spots MC in a room he’ll sneak up and try and get to them before they realise he’s there. “Too heavy on your feet,” or “you were giggling,” is something he hears a lot when trying.

Though MC can’t really see while he’s training or playing a game, he really appreciates that there still there to cheer him on; he’s taken to wearing a bright headband in hopes that they’ll be able to spot him out a bit better. They don’t half the heart to tell him they still can’t find him.

Belphie:

In the beginning, he’ll use MC’s lack of sight to their advantage; sly and manipulative to lure them in. Watches how they react to his voice, how their eyes or head move in the direction he’s in, learning how they work their other senses.

Tensions between the two would be tight after that moment and he’ll feel tremendous guilt for what he did to them; keeps himself at a distance, afraid they’ll recoil if they sense he’s too close and understands if they would.

Amazed that they find it in them to forgive him and help mend bonds between him and his brothers, and will spend whatever time he’s able building up trust with MC; whether that’s being their escort around Devildom or just being there for company.

He loves – when trust is established – that MC is just happy to lay with him while he star gazes and talks about what he sees, trying to paint a picture for them while they huddle up together in a fluffy blanket, sharing his cow print pillow.

Simeon/Luke:

They’re angels; their job is to look over and protect humans. So they are already well aware of how capable MC would be – Simeon more so than Luke since he’s younger and more interested in Michael – but they will still offer their assistance should MC need it.

They’re also the sort to take notes down during class that MC may not be able to see on the board; but they’ll ask before assuming.

Simeon has taken to writing a little bigger if it’s something he’d like MC’s opinion on his work; the two forming a bond through fiction and history. The two can be found losing track of time and just talking about any given thing.

Luke enjoys cooking with MC; asking them what they think of the taste of something he creates and asks how he can make it better. He’d love to be able to wow Michael upon his return to the Celestial Realm and MC will always critique his work rather than sugarcoat like Simeon would or just outright scare him like demons would. With a little push from MC, he takes lessons from Barbatos.

Solomon:

Quite unphased; he’s dealt with various impairments before seeing as he is still human despite being a very powerful sorcerer. He doesn’t offer assistance but will give it should MC ask him for help.

He has many a spell in his books that could quite possibly cure or ease symptoms of various impairments and is very tempted to bring this information to MC; but decides on holding back until he can figure out how to approach the subject. He’ll ask them how they feel about their situation and go from there.

Would also offer heightening other senses should MC want them; even temporarily if they’re just a little curious. “Let’s see what’s so crash hot about being Daredevil!” “My thoughts exactly MC.”

[gunnerpalace]

(These asks were reordered from bottom-to-top to top-to-bottom for clarity.)

Alright, so the first thing I want to say in response to this is actually best summarized in the form of a song:

You are somebody that I don't know But you're takin' shots at me like it's Patrón And I'm just like, damn, it's 7 AM Say it in the street, that's a knock-out But you say it in a Tweet, that's a cop-out And I'm just like, "Hey, are you okay?"

And I ain't tryna mess with your self-expression But I've learned a lesson that stressin' and obsessin' 'bout somebody else is no fun And snakes and stones never broke my bones

So oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh You need to calm down, you're being too loud And I'm just like oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh (oh) You need to just stop Like can you just not step on my gown? You need to calm down

I would like you to seriously reread what you’ve written here (and copy-and-pasted to others) and tell me that it doesn’t come across as more than a little obsessive and psychotic. "This may seem like hate, but it's not," you said anonymously, before going on a rant to strangers on the internet whom you had nominated as the representatives of "you guys." Sure, okay, Heather.

Well, regardless, let’s go through this. First, you don't understand 685/686. I've been over this before several times, but I will go over this one final time, as simply as I can. That said, I can't guarantee that you will understand it when I do. I was unable to successfully tutor 1st graders how to do addition because my perspective was, "Either you understand it or you don't," and I don't have the background in math to make such a simple concept exciting. The same might be true of this, because there is no way to critically analyze these chapters more succinctly than this, and so you still might not get it.

The point of 685/686, thematically, is that absolutely no one got what they wanted.

Renji wanted to surpass Byakuya. He remains Byakuya's Lieutenant and has to settle for being under his sister (figuratively and probably literally too) who now also outranks him as a Captain.

Rukia wanted to reform Soul Society into a more humane institution that protects all souls. It is the same as it ever was, and if anything has doubled down on its practices by rebuilding the Soukyoku (on which it tried to kill her) a hundred times larger, and she is one of its main wardens.

Uryuu wanted anything but to be a doctor, ever since he watched his mom being autopsied by his dad. He is now a doctor, and all alone at that.

Chad promised his grandfather to never hurt people with his fists. He is now a boxer, doing exactly that for money.

Orihime wanted to go out and have several different exciting careers. She is instead a stay-at-home mom.

Ichigo wanted to save a "mountain full" of people, be Superman, leave Karakura, and be a Shinigami. He instead appears to run Isshin's clinic now.

So, yes, you are correct: Kubo chose that Ichigo wind up with Orihime. It is exceedingly clear, from the context, that this is absolutely not a good thing.

That point is further reemphasized by Yhwach’s threat to come kill Ichigo and everyone else when they are at their happiest. And when does he reappear?

When Ichigo saw Rukia again.

Not when Ichigo asked Orihime out. Not when they started dating, officially or unofficially. Not when they were married. Not when she gave birth to his son. Not when his son said his first words.

Not when anything happened with Orihime or Kazui, but when he saw Rukia again.

That is your “Kubo-sensei” telling you directly that the happiest moment in Ichigo’s life was just simply seeing Rukia again, and not anything involving Orihime in any capacity whatsoever.

All of that should tell you that Ichigo and Orihime’s relationship is not exactly the stuff legends are made out of, because them winding up together is explicitly portrayed as a downer ending. A bad ending. 

If you cared at all about the characters—if you cared at all about their desires, or their happiness—or if you cared at all that IchiHime was presented as even merely good, let alone destined or fated or whatever else, then you would be offended by this ending too. 

Because the ending is “Kubo-sensei” straight-up unequivocally telling you that IchiHime is bad and tragic. It is something that one must demonstrate “courage” in the face of. It requires stoicism. It is a bad ending, but that’s life. That’s what the ending means.

He did you dirty too. You just don’t want to see it, because you are so obsessed with the concept of “winning.” Well, this was mutually-assured destruction: everyone lost. Especially you.

Moving on: no, Kubo doesn’t really get attention or money from us. I’m not really sure where this idea comes from.

I’m not an expert on Japanese intellectual property rights and licensing, but I know enough about them in general to know that very little if any money goes to Kubo personally from ongoing Bleach merchandise sales. For example, KLab more than likely has a contract with Shueisha (representing Kubo, hence why they’re put together on BBS’s title card), TV Tokyo, Dentsu, and Pierrot, wherein they pay those entities a fixed amount to license Bleach per year or per contractual term. It’s not like Kubo is making money off of every orb purchase or every figurine sold or something. These things don’t work like that.

As for attention, he’s still hiding from social media (for reasons of his own, unrelated to the fandom), and the people who give him attention are... you. People like you. “True Bleach fans” who can’t stop treating all his shit like it’s solid gold. We have made it fairly clear we don’t need him or care what he thinks.

Regarding BBS, maybe you haven’t noticed, but the majority of the imagery they use is IchiRuki-focused. The last title screen was IchiRuki. The Guild button is IchiRuki. The Events button is IchiRuki. The Chronicle Quest button is IchiRuki. Here, I’ve helpfully highlighted this for you:

While they do occasionally toss IH a bone, the last January event also ended on an IR note despite the ridiculous crowing about it being IH. While I’m at it, even the current supposedly “IH” title screen is anything but.

It doesn’t take Michelangelo or Da Vinci to figure out the composition here is not terribly suggestive. While Rukia is indeed off to one side, the fact Uryuu, Zangetsu, and the title card are between Ichigo and Orihime (and they’re looking in different directions) makes it pretty evident that they’re not being visually associated together. It is at best a “general” title screen. Uryuu is showing more visual interest in Ichigo than Orihime is.

I’ll come back to “the anime” in a minute. Let’s talk about their “tag-team move.” Do you mean the one that ended like this?

This one that didn’t work whatsoever?

This one where Ichigo wasn’t concerned at all that Orihime might be dead or dying as she lay there on the ground?

This one where he absolutely gave into despair?

How romantic. Truly, what an excellent battle-couple they make. Their combat effectiveness and synergy is just astounding. I for one would love to see it animated.

(Let’s not forget that later, Orihime can’t repair Zangetsu without some nonsense shenanigans from Tsukishima either. Just like how her healing abilities are useless against any sufficiently strong residual reiatsu. Ah, but that would require reading the manga closely...)

Finally, on to the idea of the anime returning. Here’s the thing: news about a trailer also doesn’t really mean anything. Sure, it could be TYBW. Or it could be The Honey Dish Rhapsody. Or it could be a thousand other things. I neither know, nor particularly care, what it actually is, on top of my explanations as to why animating TYBW would be a dumb business decision.

Here’s why: even if it is a TYBW anime, it will have to be an adaptation of TYBW. They will still have to follow the plot of TYBW. And TYBW was a pile of shit. It wasn’t just a pile of shit for IR, it was a pile of shit in general, and a pile of shit for IH in particular.

Perhaps you don’t recall that Orihime spends most of the arc off-panel, having been ditched in Hueco Mundo for most of it (chapters 500–586)?

Oh, but just think, you wouldn’t just get to see the Ichigo-Orihime “tag team” attack totally and utterly failing! You’d also get delights like:

Orihime and Chad utterly failing to believe in Ichigo! (Just like in the Xcution arc where it was demonstrated that Byakuya was a truer friend to Ichigo than either of them!)

Orihime being reduced to a pair of tits, each bigger than her own head!

Ichigo totally ignoring Orihime!

And who can forget the delight of Orihime selling out her dignity to dress slutty at Kisuke’s suggestion to try and get Ichigo’s attention, only for it to not work at all?

Yes, truly, TYBW would be a fantastic arc for IH that would surely win over the populace and convince everyone of the chemistry between these two characters!

Except it wouldn’t. Because they have no chemistry. And they didn’t. See, what’s really funny is that not only did TYBW not give you anything, but it was just following up on the Xcution arc not giving you anything.

Because ORIHIME VISION was played for laughs, just like say, Shuhei constantly is.

Because despite Chad and Orihime being about as important to Ichigo, he couldn’t even bother to say bye. 

Because he just didn’t have time to deal with her bullshit.

I could go on, but this post is already long enough.

You see, you’re real keen to dismiss "all the scene or poem shit or parallel or the hell else thing," but the truth is, that’s all there is to a manga. It is panels of art and text on a page. The rest is just in your head. And it is from those panels of art and text that animated scenes and spoken dialogue would be created. And the funny thing is... there are no IH moments in these arcs. They simply don’t exist.

So really, what you’re hoping and praying for is not just for TYBW to be adapted. Given your evident thirst, I doubt that the perhaps 5–10 minute epilogue of 685/686 at the end of 4–5 seasons would be enough for you. You’d need the animation team to decide to sprinkle in a whole lot of IH filler along the way too.

That didn’t work out so hot for the Xcution arc. How did that one end again? Oh, that’s right: they made up their own (better) ending for it. Are you really willing to bet your money on a TYBW anime going out of its way for IH, if you even get it? Or would you really be satisfied with those 5–10 minutes? Are you really so sure you’d even still get them?

Ultimately, I don’t care. You’re blocked. But, I will say this: in a way I almost kind of pity you. It seems really sad being a militant anonymous IH, desperately and eternally craving outside validation. You have so very little to cling to. It must be hard.

Good luck with that, Heather.

[itisannak]

Missing Out (Calum Hood Smut)

Summary: Fans make (Y/N) feel insecure, so Calum steps in to comfort her. (Smut / Merely Unprotected Sex / First Time Sex) (T.W: Online Hate) (Request) (Words: 5.3k)

"You are still coming over tomorrow night, right?" Calum asks as he parks in front of my apartment block, turning to look at me. "Of course. 6 months is not a small deal..." I reply, smiling at him. "And you are still spending the night over, right?" He asks again, looking at me anxiously. "Yes, Cal... But you should really relax... Even I am not so anxious about tomorrow." I reply, taking his hand in mine. "I just want it to be special. I want you to have fun and be comfortable." He mumbles, pouting his bottom lip. "Baby, that is so sweet of you. But really, I am ready. You don't have to worry about it." I assure him, leaning in to kiss his lips. "Still, I want to give you something romantic, I guess." He shrugs his shoulders before I lean my head against it. "I thought you didn't believe in romance..." "I don't. So, don't expect anything typical... I am going to do it my way..." He replies, turning his head to press a kiss on the tip of my nose. "Wouldn't want it any other way, baby. I have to go, early call in the morning. Text me when you make it back home, ok?" I press a kiss on the side of his neck, earning a hum from him. "I'll see your pretty face tomorrow." He states, cupping my chin before he kisses me tenderly. "I will see your pretty face tomorrow." I poke on his chest, smiling at him as I take one last whiff of his cologne.

I hesitantly exited the car; Calum and I have the prettiest conversations when he is dropping me off, even when there is nothing particular to talk about. I always crave more conversation with Calum when I leave, and this didn't change tonight. Laying in bed tonight, my mind rushed to imagine how tomorrow night will be; Calum and I have not slept together yet. Well, we have napped and dozed off in the same bed, cuddled, we have slept the night in the same bed, multiple times, but we have never actually had sex before. And neither have I ever had sex with anyone else before. Calum was just a little surprised when I told him, knowing that I had been in relationships before. But he has never pressured me, he has never taken things further than I was comfortable with. He always told me that we would only go on when I would be ready, and only then. And he has kept his word, respected the boundaries until the point I have had enough of keeping myself back from doing it, I have gotten too tired of resisting him. So, I suggested spending the night with him on our anniversary; in the beginning, he didn't get what I was implying, only getting a hint of it when I asked if we could be alone in the house that night. And he has been excited ever since, almost running laps around me like a puppy. I can tell he has been waiting for that moment for a long time, and I honestly don't know how he has kept his cool around me for so long; there have been one too many times that making out almost turned into more, but he was always the one to stop us before we would go forward. But those moments always made me crave him more and more, picturing him and the moment we would finally have sex. Honest to God, he is so kind and loving, in addition to being the sexiest man alive, that I have been having a hard time not picturing him hovering over me, thrusting inside me with his face all red and jaw tensed. He makes me feel like the most gorgeous woman to have grazed this planet, constantly reminding me how beautiful I am, words and actions for evidence, which really helps me drown the little voice in my head that tells me I am not enough, and all the criticism from his fan base that comes with dating Calum. Well, usually helps me drown it...

(Calum's POV) "I want you on your best behavior, mister... This is a very special day, and I want you to be my good little boy. Ok, Duke?" I coo as I pet the dog, who looks at me, wagging his tail. I chuckle at how pathetic I sound, taking out my anxiety on the poor pup. But I really just want (Y/N) to have the best experience or at least the closest to best it can get. I have never felt so anxious about having sex before, I mean, it is just sex, it's one of the things that should supposedly take any stress away. But this is the first time for (Y/N) and the one thing I absolutely don't want is for me to be imprinted in her mind as the guy that gave her the lousiest first time. My phone ringing makes me put the puppy down and pick it up, finding (Y/N)'s name light on the screen. "Hey, pretty girl. Do you need me to come pick you up?" I ask her before she could even say hi. "Hey, baby. I don't feel so good today. My stomach is all fucked up... I don't think I can make it..." She sounds weak, groaning a little at the end. "Oh, no baby. Did you go to the doctor? Want me to take you to a hospital?" I ask, my stomach tightening at the thought of her being sick. "No. I mean, it's probably something I ate. I am sorry for tonight, baby. I really have been waiting for tonight for so long." She mumbles but I chuckle softly. "We can celebrate in a few days, don't worry about it. Want me to come over and take care of you, baby?" I ask her, plopping on the couch. "No, I got this." "Ok, love. Call me if you need anything, no matter what time it is." I sigh and she hums. "I will. Thank you, babe." She replies before hanging up.

"Guess you don't need to be so behaved anymore, Duke... The pretty girl is sick..." I sigh, biting my cheek. "Maybe she got anxious about tonight and got sick... Or maybe she really ate something that bugged her stomach. Or maybe she has the stomach flu..." I list at the dog who lays his head on my lap. "Maybe she really needs help and she is too proud to ask for it... You know her, she doesn't want to be a burden to anyone... Maybe we should just head over, make her some tea, or some soup. And you should go cuddle with her, she really loves how squishy you are." I mumble, staring at the dog for a sign. He licks his nose, tilting his little head to the side. "Maybe bring her some flowers. You know, it is still our anniversary, even if she is sick..." I state, standing up and picking Duke along, grabbing my phone and jacket on the way out.

(3rd Person's POV)

(Y/N) cannot stop staring at her phone, with eyes glazed by her tears. Her mind cannot really fathom how people could express such negativity for someone they have never actually met. When she called Calum this evening to cancel their plans, she truly felt sick. She has been reading all the hate comments, every tweet and post about her, targeted toward her body, her hair, her face, she has been in this rabbit hole for at least the past 10 hours, every hate word punching her in the gut. She knows she doesn't deserve Calum, deep down inside she knew he can do so much better. But she also knows he loves her, truly loves her, even though Calum had infamously said he doesn't believe in love, she knows that of all the feelings that exist, love is the one Calum has for her.

For (Y/N), all of this is crazy; how can someone who claims that they love Calum, attack someone that actually makes him happy?

Calum picks up the take-out miso soup from the back seat while also carrying Duke with one arm. The puppy looks at him, wagging his tail happily as they walk to (Y/N)'s apartment. Both of them seem utterly excited to see her, even though she is sick; all that Calum wants is to spend their anniversary together. He lets the dog on his paws as he knocks on (Y/N) door, motioning the furball to sit by him, which of course Duke ignores and starts scratching on her door.

The last thing (Y/N) wants is visitors. She really wishes for some peace and quiet, let herself wallow in self-pity. But the knock on her door signifies that her plan is not really going to be executed. She thinks that if she just lay on her couch and just be quiet, whoever it is behind the door will leave, giving her the quietness she needs. "Baby, open up..." She hears Calum call from the other side of the door, making her heart hurt at the knowledge of his presence.

He knows she is inside, that she is sick and that she is not anywhere else but here, and she knows he has keys for her apartment, given to him in case of an emergency, and that this whole situation in Calum's books is an emergency.

So, she decides to slowly make her way to the door, peep through the little peephole at the top of the door, only to find Calum and Duke waiting for her to open up, her boyfriend holding a paper bag from the Korean place they usually order food from. "Cal? What are you doing here?" She asks, opening the door just a bit and lodging herself between. Calum smiles at her, holding the paper bag up with pride. "Duke was worried. And I wanted to bring you some food and spend some time with you..." He explains, leaning in to plant a chaste kiss on her forehead. Thank God she doesn't have a fever, he thought as he pulled away. "It's very sweet of you. But I don't think I will be a great company right now..." She felt her stomach drop; he really is the sweetest boyfriend ever, and she hates that she has to turn him away, especially tonight. "You are always the greatest company there is. Can we come in?" He asks, pointing to the pup who whimpers for attention.

(Y/N) gives up, unable to think of other excuses to not let Calum stay. So, she moves from the door, allowing her boyfriend and the cutest dog alive to walk in. "You sit down and I will pour your soup in a bowl." Calum offers, pushing his girlfriend softly to sit on her couch. His dog jumps on top of her lap immediately, licking her face as she strokes behind his ears. "I really don't want to eat." (Y/N) tries to stop him but Calum brushes her off, walking to the kitchen. She sighs at how stubborn he can be. Calum pours her soup and grabs a spoon from the drawer, walking back to her with a smile. But the smile drops as he takes a better look at her face, finding her eyes puffy and red as she sniffles while petting Duke. "Babe, have you been crying?" He asks her, eyebrows furrowed as he leaves the bowl on the coffee table and takes a seat on the couch. (Y/N)'s heart quickens, and her brain shuts down, totally abandoning her now that she needs to come up with a lie. "Um... My stomach is hurting really bad..." She stutters but realizes she has fucked up the moment Calum springs up. "Get up, we are going to the hospital..." He sounds serious, looking truly worried. And he is, the worst-case scenarios running through his mind. "There is no need. I am sure I will get better..." She tries to assure him, but Calum can read through her, he can recognize she is lying. "No, get up..." He insists, looking at her sternly. "Calum..." (Y/N) protests, sighing as she gets desperate for him to stop pushing her. "(Y/N), you told me you are sick, and now you are telling me your stomach hurts... This could be more than just the flu..." He explains, almost begging her for him to take her to a hospital.

(Y/N) stares at the floor, fingers fidgeting as she feels horrible for lying to him. "(Y/N), look at me..." Calum orders, tilting her chin up to make her look him in the eye. (Y/N) averts her gaze, her bottom lip quivering as she feels about to break down at his inquisition. Calum's heart sinks, realizing that all of this was just a lie. "Did you lie to me?" He sounds heartbroken, making her feel really sick to her stomach. "If this is all made up to avoid spending the night with me, you could have just told me. I have never pushed you about sex, when I said I would wait for you until you are ready, I meant it. We don't even have to ever have sex if you don't feel like it, but you really shouldn't have lied to me. I was worried about you actually being sick..." Calum snaps, his voice getting louder than he intended. "It's not that..." (Y/N) stutters, already feeling her eyes brim with tears. "It's not that... Then what the fuck it is? Tell me..." Calum commands, pushing (Y/N)'s guilt to give him an insight into what is going on.

She reaches for her phone, unlocking it and handing it to Calum, showing him that she has been looking at, almost since the moment he dropped her off last night. "What's that?" He asks, confused at her actions. "Scroll and read." She replies, taking a seat on the couch. Calum stared at the screen, his eyes scanning over all the words targeted at his girlfriend. His heart aches over how people could be mean to her, to the person making him feel so good.

He plops on the couch, scrolling down with his mouth open in shock. "What the fuck?" He murmurs to himself, not daring to look at (Y/N). He considers this as nothing but his fault, he should have been able to protect her from all the vile opinions. "There is a hashtag, Instagram pages, Twitter pages, and quite a few articles. I have been digging into them for hours. I really don't feel good, and my stomach genuinely hurts." (Y/N) admits, gulping the lump in her throat as she tries to fight her tears. Supposedly, she should have been feeling better now that she has let it all out of her chest, but the look on Calum's face is really unsettling.

Calum has to stop himself before he calls out all these people attacking his girl, causing a PR nightmare and getting an earful from the management. He feels helpless, not knowing how to make this situation better, how to protect her from all of that hate. (Y/N) watches Calum as he runs his hand over his face, his rings shining under the light of the room. "I... I don't know what to say... I am so sorry, you shouldn't be going through that, you shouldn't be under attack for being with me." Calum locks the phone, letting it on the table as he turns to look at (Y/N). "It's not your fault, you don't have to be sorry for that." "I should have been able to protect you, I should not have let this happen. If you want to break up with me, I totally get it... I know this can be really hard on anyone." Calum lets out the words, his head already feeling heavy at the thought of losing (Y/N).

"You are the best thing I've ever had, and I am not planning on letting you go just because a portion of your fans seem to be unable to wrap their minds around the fact that you don't belong to them. If I do that, they win, and they will never let you be happy with anyone. And fuck this whole shit, I love you and I need you in my life. And I know you don't believe in love and I don't expect you to say it back, nor change your mind about that. But I know I feel it and I know that I feel loved by you, so I don't give a damn about anything else." (Y/N) states, finally letting it all out of her chest.

And then her breath hitches as she waits for Calum's reaction; she is not delusional, she knows better than to expect him to say any big words he doesn't mean. Calum petrifies at the sound of (Y/N)'s words; it is more than clear to him that he feels the same for her, that all of this that he has been denying himself hasn't gone away, has not faded away even just a bit.

But the realization dawned on him as he heard her say it, as he heard the words become spoken, entering the real world. He does love her, with everything within him. "I say it and I mean it. I love you." Calum feels unable to incorporate any more words into this, all of his writing talent going out of the window as he stares at (Y/N). And (Y/N) knows better than to ask for him to elaborate; she doesn't need him to, anyway, she knew he loves her. "I am going to talk to management, sit down with them, and find a way to deal with this. I am not going to let anyone hurt you..." Calum whispers, scooting closer to her and bringing his hand under her chin. He really, really wants to just kiss her, more than he has ever wanted before. "Thank you..." (Y/N) can only whisper, looking down at Calum's lips.

Calum pulls (Y/N) in for a kiss, his lips engulfing hers softly. (Y/N) has been craving this, all that she wants right now is to be kissed by him, for the rest of her life. Calum's hands cradle her face, his thumbs stroking her cheeks softly as he deepens the kiss. (Y/N) moans against his lips, biting onto the bottom one lightly, roughening it up just a little. "You need to eat your soup. I bet you haven't eaten anything today..." Calum pulls away, trying to stop from going too far all at once. "I am not really hungry... Just sleepy..." (Y/N) protests, leaning her head against his shoulder. "You need to eat, even if it means I will have to feed you." Calum replies, reaching at the table to grab the bowl. "I really don't want to eat. My stomach is tied up." (Y/N) dodges the spoon, sealing her lips together. "Just a little. Please..." Calum looks her in the eyes, trying to soften her, get to her good side. "Only a little bit." (Y/N) surrenders, grabbing the bowl.

Calum looks at her as she eats slowly, stroking her hair. He twists her locks through his fingers, taking in every detail of her. "I don't want more." (Y/N) places the bowl on the table, going back to her seat and curling up against Calum. Calum puts his arm around her shoulders, planting a kiss on her forehead. "Just promise me you'll have a good breakfast in the morning." Calum sighs, making (Y/N) chuckle. "Wanna sleepover? Just to make sure I do..." (Y/N) suggests, reaching to take his hand in hers. Calum smiles, nodding his head happily before he leans down to kiss her softly.

His tongue slips in her mouth while (Y/N) moves to straddle his laps. Her hands go to his face, stroking it softly as they kiss, lightly moving to his short hair. Calum's hands lower to her thighs, feeling her skin under her little robe. She feels warm under his touch, her skin erupting in thrilling goosebumps. And as the makeout progresses, Calum feels her grinding on him, her core pressing on his junk, which only grows stiffer as she wiggles on him.

(Y/N) really tries to help the tingle between her thighs, really ignoring that Calum is getting harder and harder at the sensation. "We need to stop..." Calum pulls away, groaning that he has to stop now that he feels so good. But he knows that if he doesn't pull away now, there is no way he is going to be able to contain himself. "Why?" (Y/N) asks, moaning softly as she brings her lips to his jaw, kissing, biting, sucking on it, watching Calum turn into a mess for her. "Baby, this is getting hard for me..." Calum almost whimpers, closing his eyes and throwing his head back and letting himself enjoy the sweet torture. "What if we don't have to stop..." (Y/N) asks, making Calum perk up, his heart speeding up at the hearing of the words. "What?" He asks her, trying to make sure they are on the same page before he gets too excited. "I told you we would be having sex tonight... And I meant it. I need you." (Y/N) explains, biting on her bottom lip. "Are you sure about that? We don't have to just because you said we would." Calum tries to make a sense of his thoughts, hoping that (Y/N) is absolute about this decision. "I need you to help me feel good. I really want you, I've been waiting for so long." (Y/N) sighs, stroking his cheek as Calum moves his lips to her neck.

He fixes her legs around his waist before he lifts her up, her head resting on his collarbone. Calum makes his way to her bedroom, feeling anxious about what is to come next. He lays her on her bed, while (Y/N) fixes her pillows to find comfort. "I need you to think about it again... Are you sure about that?" He asks her, looking down at (Y/N) whose fingertips rest on his jaw tenderly. "I have never been more sure about anything." (Y/N) replies, nodding her head to assure him. Calum's hand tug at the belt of her robe, silently asking for permission to remove it. (Y/N) brings her hands on top of his, guiding him as he undresses her. "I... I have bought something for tonight... Do you... Do you want me to go put it on?" (Y/N) stutters, left in only her pajama shorts and a tank top. "You are perfect already. But if it will make you feel better, you can go put it on..." Calum replies softly. (Y/N) nods her head, sliding back and getting off the bed, reaching inside a drawer to pick out the lingerie.

Calum stays only in his boxers while he waits for her to come back.

(Y/N) stares at herself in the mirror for a minute or two, sighing as she processes how she looks in the dainty lace and shiny satin. She walks back into the room, her hands pinching on her arms in hesitation. Calum scans her body, taking in every detail. He has never seen her this exposed before, not even when she was in a bikini. "Com' ere..." He gestures for her to approach him, sitting down on the mattress. She stands before him, her hands running up and down her arms as she tries to make her goosebumps go away. "You are so beautiful..." He murmurs, placing his hands on her hips and pulling her closer, bringing his lips to her stomach, trailing a trail of kisses from below her chest to the hem of her panties.

She feels her breath become funny, gulping down before tilting her head back, enjoying the warmth his lips leave on her skin. Calum cannot get enough of the taste of her skin, his tongue peeking out from between his lips as he lowers his mouth to her bikini line. He brings his lips over her panties, kissing her sex softly as he looks up to her. His lips press on her clit, making her clench around nothing, tensing up at the newly-found feeling. "Come on, baby. Lay down." Calum takes her wrist in his hand pulling her on the bed. "I have condoms in my drawer. I bought them for tonight." (Y/N) mutters, making Calum nod his head before reaching for them.

He takes off his underwear, kicking them to the side before ripping the foil open and rolling the condom along with his throbbing cock. (Y/N) feels her chest heave at the sight of Calum's cock; she knows it is going to hurt, but she can't help but feel mesmerized over his length.

"You can tell me if you want to stop, at any moment." Calum reminds her, running his tip over her sopping core. He feels a tingle in his stomach, excitement taking over him as he preps to thrust in her. "It is going to hurt for a while. I need you to breathe, baby." He reminds her, reaching behind her back to undo her bra before he leans to peck on her forehead.

His hand travels down her chest, thumb brushing over one of her nipples before it rests on her hip, holding himself up while his other hand guides his cock to line up to her entrance. He goes in slowly, inch by inch feeling her wrap tightly around him. (Y/N) whimpers, her face scrunching up in pain as she feels a tear all the way to her stomach. Calum stops moving, looking at (Y/N) in panic. "Breathe, baby." He reminds her, pecking on her cheek as she tries to adjust to his length. "It hurts..." She whispers, feeling her eyes tearing up. "We can stop if you want..." Calum breathes out, cradling her face in his hands. She shakes her head, determined to push past the pain.

He drives his cock deeper inside her, getting excited over how good she feels on his cock. (Y/N) bite on her lip, the initial pain becoming less intense. Calum pulls out giving her a moment to soothe down. (Y/N) trembles, gasping for air as she looks at him. "I need you." She rasps, reaching down to take his hand. Calum thrusts inside her again, still going slowly as his free hand rubs her lower stomach, trying to make the pain go away faster.

The pain subdues, making (Y/N) relax, gripping onto Calum's bicep as he moves, at a faster pace. Her nails dig into his skin, decorating his inked skin with marks. "Feels good, baby?" He asks her, leaning down to kiss her neck as he still thrusts inside her. "It doesn't hurt anymore..." She replies, tilting her head to the side, giving him access to her neck. "Good. I promise I will make you feel really good..." He sighs, bringing his hand up to cup her breast, fondling it before he runs her thumb over her nipple, adding more stimuli to her body. "Deeper?" (Y/N) asks, purring softly at the sensation. "Want it deeper, baby?" He asks cockily, his eyes glistening with lust and excitement. She lets out a scream as he pounds his hips on hers, tensing up and tightening even more around him. "Oh, shit..." Calum lets out a throaty groan, enjoying how she pulses around his length, how she fits around him like a glove, how warm she is underneath him.

She arches her back a little, holding onto him as she takes him deep, feeling him in her stomach. She moans as he changes the angle, hitting inside her differently. "Fuck, that feels so good." She cries out, causing his pupils to blow out. He feels his cock pulse at the sound of her enjoying it, all of his worry going away. He hits the spot again, making her shudder as the warmth spreads to her spine. "Feels good, princess?" He asks her, bringing his thumb to her clit, pressing on the nub as he rolls it, making her jolt in excitement. Her nails dig deeper in his bicep, while her other hand goes to her breast, squeezing it to replace the sensation that Calum's hand had on it. "Faster." She demands, sensing her high come closer to her. "Are you sure?" He asks her, fearing hurting her. "Faster, please." She closes her eyes, moaning again and again as he thrusts where she needs him to.

Calum gives her everything he has, feeling his heart flutter in his chest as he watches her indulge in what he is giving her. He has never felt as intensely as he feels right now, this is almost primitive for him. "I am so close..." (Y/N) cries out, moving her hips to meet his thrusts. His thumb moves faster, earning a whine from her. "You can cum, baby. Cum around me." He whispers, feeling his own breath become shallow. "Can you take off the condom? I want to feel you." (Y/N) gasps, opening her eyes to look into his. Calum looks at her in shock, his grip on her hip becoming tighter. "Are you sure?" He asks, blinking as he tries to wrap his brain around it. "I wanna feel all of you..." She states, quivering as her high approaches.

Calum pulls out, discarding the condom and giving himself a couple of strokes before he lines up to her again. The sensation of his bare cock inside her is completely different than before, feeling him throbbing against her walls causes her to gasp for air. Feeling her around his bare cock triggers Calum. He has to get his mind to something else before it is too late. He just needs her to finish first, he needs to feel her become even tighter around him, even wetter for him. "Fuck, Calum..." She almost screams, coming undone around him. Her whole body shakes, walls convulsing around him.

Everything is blank for a few moments, she only fixates on her high, on how euphoric this is. And Calum just stares at her, taking in how good she looks like that. He doesn't move, feeling her pulse around him is enough to get him just there. (Y/N) groans at the loss of the sensation as he pulls out of her, opening her eyes to stare at him. "I need to cum..." He hisses, stroking his cock over her stomach. She just looks at him jacking off, enjoying how precious he looks, with his head tilted back and his tongue peeking from between his lips as he moans. His hand moves fast, his thumb occasionally running over his tip, until he cums on her lower stomach, giving her a warm sensation as he hisses and curses through greeted teeth.

His stomach rises and falls, breathing heavily as he rides through his high, lowering his gaze to her, finding her looking at him with rosy cheeks. She is breathing heavily as well, her hand still resting on her breast. He leans down, taking her other nipple in between his lips, sucking on it softly, but still sending electricity through her body, making her jolt. "Let me bring you a towel, baby. Clean you up a bit." He says softly, pressing a kiss on the tip of her nose. "I can go clean up..." She offers, but Calum chuckles softly. "I don't think you can walk right now. You'll feel very sore if you stand up." He replies, slipping into his boxers before he leaves the room.

(Y/N) smiles at how soft he is for her, how kind and loving. And now she knows for fact he loves her. He struts back in the room with a wet towel in hand, leaning down to wipe her clean. He does so softly as if he is afraid of breaking her. "Are you ok?" He asks as he lays down next to her, pulling her onto his chest. She lays her head on his pec, smiling as she leaves a kiss there. "Never better..." She hums, reaching to take his hand in hers. "Did you like it?" He asks, tilting her chin up to look at her. "I can't believe I have been missing out on that for that long." She replies, biting on her lip. He leans in, bringing his lips to hers for a quick second. "I can help you make up for that loss..." He replies with a smirk. "Oh, really?" She asks with her eyebrow cocked. "Anytime you want..." He assures her, earning a hum from her. "I'll consider that offer..." She replies, nestling to his chest. "I really do love you." He reminds her, with a voice as soft as a feather. "I know. And I love you too." She states, kissing his chest.

My Masterlist

[imagine-loki]

Pride and prejudice

TITLE: Pride and Prejudice CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter 29 AUTHOR: wolfpawn

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki was raised on Jotunheim as Laufey’s son after the war, but an agreement was then made that he would wed Odin’s daughter so Odin could secure the alliance of Jotunheim through the marriage. Loki, in turn, was raised to be king of Jotunheim, but how he views Asgard is far different from how Odin’s daughter is raised leading to a clash of cultures as well as uncertainty between the pair of betrothed youths.     RATING: Mature   NOTES/WARNINGS: Forced Marriage, not all fun and games. My first real step back into the Loki scene in over a year.

Tags - @skulliebythesea @asimovethroughthisworld @blackcherry26-blog @we-shadowhunter2901

Loki walked into the throne room with purpose. Court was in session for the past hour and he was late but considering his morning, he was surprised he could force himself from the bed at all. When he rushed to his father’s side during an interval, Laufey looked at him curiously. “Apologies, Father, I found myself having to attend to some issues.”

Laufey had not expected to see Loki for the day at all, as Helbindi was utterly inebriated when he had come into his father’s rooms the night before the same time Loki had unintentionally entered Ella’s and informed his father that he and Loki had drunk the late-night hours away. Yet here stood his middle son, looking fresher than a newly blossomed flower in front of him. “I thought I excused you from court for the day to recuperate after the heat of Vanaheim?” 

“My good mate ensured that we did not have to endure too badly on Vanaheim.” He smiled to where Ella was now standing in the court. 

Laufey looked at Ella who seemed unable to cease smirking. To his side, he noted his son doing the same. Though startled by the situation he was now clearly able to translate from their faces, and wondering how it could have possibly come to pass considering the day before’s revelations, he was elated to see the connection between his son and his mate. “Well, then, you know what to do. You are always fearful you will miss something.” He remarked as he gave the order for another to come forward. 

When the issues of the court were discussed and Laufey asked his son to inform all of what had occurred whilst on Vanaheim, Loki spoke, but through the entirety of the rest of the proceedings, his mind was only on one thing, the morning with his mate. He watched her across the hall, paying attention to everything that was occurring and when she noted him looking at her, she gave him warning glances but could not cease to smirk herself. 

Laufey was able to see their interactions and could not resist giving his son a raised brow himself. On seeing Loki’s reaction of not being able to hold his gaze, he chuckled to himself. Upon dismissing everyone for the day, Laufey asked Loki to remain behind. 

“Yes, Father?” “Arden informed me of Prince Nigel’s attempts to anger and bother you all, congratulations on keeping a calm head and for allowing Prince Thor’s assistance. The marriage to Ella is a strong one and allows such alliances. I also heard of your discussions with the Vanir and Light Elves and of the trade talks you are arranging with them, you are every bit the capable man I knew you to be, my son."

"Thank you, Father." Loki was used to his father's comments on his actions, knowing him to think him capable but considering the sheer magnitude of the situation with foreign realms, it made him all the prouder. 

"I understand the situation at present with Byleistr is fraught, his betrayal will not go unpunished by myself and indeed by you as my heir."

"Your support in this is all I could ever ask for. As Ella stated, had there been honesty, had they spoken to me and explained their situation, I would have been hurt but I would have respected it, this I cannot respect, this was lower than low. To lie...Ella put it better than I can."

"And in this, something had changed between you and your mate?" Laufey gently pushed. 

Loki found himself smiling again. "Ella is never dishonest with me. She respects me enough to be so and I cannot help but want to return her respect. She understands my thoughts even when she does not experience them herself because she takes time to consider others."

Laufey studied his son closer. "Is that everything?" Loki looked at him baffled. "You forget, my son, that all present in the throne room today saw your interactions with your mate and you can be assured, it will not be received negatively. This is a wonderful advancement of things. I am elated that you see the value in her now, both for her own being and for what she brings to Jotunheim with her ties. There are many great things that this does for you, my son. Focus on being happy with a good mate and cease mourning one that evidently did not see fit to respect your sacrifice. She knew well her actions and as your mate stated, had there been respect, well, it is still unacceptable but to show that would, at the very least, show some thought for another, but they both declined to do so."

"I do not intend to spend time thinking about such things. As Ella stated this morning, thinking of such constantly only allows such thoughts to fester and when they do, they poison our thoughts and cloud our judgment. I will not let any take from my focus."

"Not even Aesir mates with whom it is clear you cannot cease thinking of in some manner that I assume has something to do with you being in discussion with her this morning?" Again, Loki did not look his father in the eye causing him to chuckle. "Come now, do you think me blind? All can see that the time in Vanaheim has stirred something different in the relationship between you."

"She understands everything, even things I have not told her and she respects it all fully, without question or expectation to be told more. I have a mate like none other."

"I am elated to hear that my son. Now, I have to deal with the ever dull Lord Gregory, damn but I hate that Jotnar, but needs must." Laufey rose to his feet. "Try not to skewer anything in the meantime." Loki looked at his father on confusion. "I saw your little anger exercise yesterday."

"Ella felt it a better idea to release some anger."

"Once again, your mate was correct. It is clear to see, now more than ever, that the mate you have is more than the one you could ever want, she is what you need more than any, my son."

Laufey left, leaving Loki to consider his thoughts. Not long after, a timid looking Helbindi entered the throne room. Loki laughed at him as he meekly held his head. 

“How are you here? You drank more than me?”

“Ella healed me,” he declared smugly. 

“That is not fair. How come she did that?” “I may have accidentally stumbled into her room last night in my drunken state and not my own.” Helbindi laughed at that. “Better than you walking into Father’s rooms.” “I’ll have you know, I did not walk in, I fell in, on top of him.” Loki chuckled at the image of his younger brother falling onto their father. “How did she take you barging in?” “Very well, according to what she showed me from her memories this morning since I remember nothing.” 

Helbindi noticed something in his brother’s features. “Why are you smiling like that?” “What?” 

“Like...wait, what happened?” “What are you babbling about?” Loki tried to walk off but Helbindi used his superior size to block his brother. “Bind…”

“Who is she?” “Who?” “This new one? You only ever look that happy after you get to have some fun, who is she?” “Bind…” Loki looked around. “You cannot speak like that.” “Like what?” “Like I am sniffing around those I should not. I do not want trouble.” “So, just say her name.” “Ella.” “Your mate?” “Yes, my mate.” “Why are you saying her name?” “Because she is who you wish to know the name of.” “No, I don’t, I want to know about...wait, you lay with her?” Loki nodded. “Not sleeping, actually…” “Well, there was sleeping too.” “But you said it was terrible with her.”

“It was,” Loki agreed. “Before.” “What changed?” “The time she almost left, she confessed that she heard us talking about her, how I spoke about her to you and she decided not to put any effort in but this time she did and it was good, great even.” “Really? But you said she was a maiden, so how would she know how to do anything?” “She has this ability, with her seidr, to show things she has seen in the past and she showed me things she read and things that those ladies-in-waiting she spoke about, Helbindi, the Aesir women would make you blush, they are not without sexual knowledge.” Loki’s eyes were wide as he recalled one of Ella’s ladies explain how to perform a leud act.

“Really, how?” Helbindi was intrigued more than he should be by such a statement. 

“The things they know, and they all told her things. And what she read...Why did she never say anything…” “What were the books?” “I have no idea.” “Ask her.” “I am not asking her, you ask her.” Helbindi looked at him with disbelief. “I cannot ask her, you idiot, then she will know we spoke like this again and she won’t let you near her.” Loki winced. “Good point.” 

“Wait, what if she bears you a child now?” “Considering she is supposed to give me two sons, I would think it would be seen as a good thing.”  

“But what about, you know…‘Leist and...” “Ella stated it best, it would have been better if they were honest but they were not. I want to hate her for it, hate both of them for it but she wanted to hurt me, so I won’t let her.” “Do you think that is why she did it?” Helbindi asked. 

“I am not sure but the manner she looked at me, the cold look in her eyes, I think that perhaps she did. But I will not let her get me down, not now.” “Not that your mate showed she actually knows what she is doing?” 

“That helps, I will confess,” Loki smirked. 

“Do you think the Vanir are as knowledgeable. There were one or two there that seemed interested in some fun when we were there.” 

"I know a few of her ladies were Vanir. None seemed to be blushing in her memories."

"Nice." Helbindi's eyes were alight with such a prospect. “I think they look better than the Aesir.” “Yes, you would think that, I remember you and the, what was her name?” Loki looked at his brother. 

“No idea, that kissing thing they do is fun though. What do you think?” 

“Have not tried it.” “Really?”

“Is that hard for you to believe?” 

“I thought you would try it since you tried everything else again. So, not a corpse then?” 

Loki thought about how Ella had intertwined her legs with his, her hands exploring his body, whether intentionally or not, the manner in which she gripped his ass as he moved, urging him on. It all felt so much more natural. The one thing he did notice was her attempts to remain silent, biting her lips to remain so. He pleaded with her a few times to not force herself to remain quiet, but Ella would not relent, biting her lips together in attempts to not make noise. Clearly, that was something she was still under the impression should be done. He would have to speak with her and inform her that he liked that, being told how much his partner was enjoying herself made him feel better, knowing he was doing things well was something he wished for. It may be an awkward conversation, but he was willing to try it, as he hoped she would want to try other things with him. “Not like a corpse, definitely not.” “I think you would rather be with her now.” Helbindi jested. 

Loki could not argue his point.  

[wolfpawn]

Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 29

Story Summary - Based on an idea I had that I submitted to Imagine Loki. Imagine Loki was raised on Jotunheim as Laufey’s son after the war, but an agreement was then made that he would wed Odin’s daughter so Odin could secure the alliance of Jotunheim through the marriage. Loki, in turn, was raised to be king of Jotunheim, but how he views Asgard is far different from how Odin’s daughter is raised leading to a clash of cultures as well as uncertainty between the pair of betrothed youths.

Chapter Summary - Loki goes to the throne room and deals with the day there, after, he has two conversations that make him think more of his interactions with Ella

Previous Chapter

Tags - @peppermint-j @damalseer @perpetual-fangirl @tinchentitri @inspired-snowflace @raphaelaisabella @alexakeyloveloki @caffiend-queen @devilbat @nonsensicalobsessions @skulliebythesea @majoringinlife @salempoe @lotus-eyedindiangoddess @rookienumber98 @emily-s1263 @ivytoh @agarwaeneth

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Loki walked into the throne room with purpose. Court was in session for the past hour and he was late but considering his morning, he was surprised he could force himself from the bed at all. When he rushed to his father’s side during an interval, Laufey looked at him curiously. “Apologies, Father, I found myself having to attend to some issues.”

Laufey had not expected to see Loki for the day at all, as Helbindi was utterly inebriated when he had come into his father’s rooms the night before the same time Loki had unintentionally entered Ella’s and informed his father that he and Loki had drunk the late-night hours away. Yet here stood his middle son, looking fresher than a newly blossomed flower in front of him. “I thought I excused you from court for the day to recuperate after the heat of Vanaheim?”

“My good mate ensured that we did not have to endure too badly on Vanaheim.” He smiled to where Ella was now standing in the court.

Laufey looked at Ella who seemed unable to cease smirking. To his side, he noted his son doing the same. Though startled by the situation he was now clearly able to translate from their faces, and wondering how it could have possibly come to pass considering the day before’s revelations, he was elated to see the connection between his son and his mate. “Well, then, you know what to do. You are always fearful you will miss something.” He remarked as he gave the order for another to come forward.

When the issues of the court were discussed and Laufey asked his son to inform all of what had occurred whilst on Vanaheim, Loki spoke, but through the entirety of the rest of the proceedings, his mind was only on one thing, the morning with his mate. He watched her across the hall, paying attention to everything that was occurring and when she noted him looking at her, she gave him warning glances but could not cease to smirk herself.

Laufey was able to see their interactions and could not resist giving his son a raised brow himself. On seeing Loki’s reaction of not being able to hold his gaze, he chuckled to himself. Upon dismissing everyone for the day, Laufey asked Loki to remain behind.

“Yes, Father?”

“Arden informed me of Prince Nigel’s attempts to anger and bother you all, congratulations on keeping a calm head and for allowing Prince Thor’s assistance. The marriage to Ella is a strong one and allows such alliances. I also heard of your discussions with the Vanir and Light Elves and of the trade talks you are arranging with them, you are every bit the capable man I knew you to be, my son."

"Thank you, Father." Loki was used to his father's comments on his actions, knowing him to think him capable but considering the sheer magnitude of the situation with foreign realms, it made him all the prouder.

"I understand the situation at present with Byleistr is fraught, his betrayal will not go unpunished by myself and indeed by you as my heir."

"Your support in this is all I could ever ask for. As Ella stated, had there been honesty, had they spoken to me and explained their situation, I would have been hurt but I would have respected it, this I cannot respect, this was lower than low. To lie...Ella put it better than I can."

"And in this, something had changed between you and your mate?" Laufey gently pushed.

Loki found himself smiling again. "Ella is never dishonest with me. She respects me enough to be so and I cannot help but want to return her respect. She understands my thoughts even when she does not experience them herself because she takes time to consider others."

Laufey studied his son closer. "Is that everything?" Loki looked at him baffled. "You forget, my son, that all present in the throne room today saw your interactions with your mate and you can be assured, it will not be received negatively. This is a wonderful advancement of things. I am elated that you see the value in her now, both for her own being and for what she brings to Jotunheim with her ties. There are many great things that this does for you, my son. Focus on being happy with a good mate and cease mourning one that evidently did not see fit to respect your sacrifice. She knew well her actions and as your mate stated, had there been respect, well, it is still unacceptable but to show that would, at the very least, show some thought for another, but they both declined to do so."

"I do not intend to spend time thinking about such things. As Ella stated this morning, thinking of such constantly only allows such thoughts to fester and when they do, they poison our thoughts and cloud our judgment. I will not let any take from my focus."

"Not even Aesir mates with whom it is clear you cannot cease thinking of in some manner that I assume has something to do with you being in discussion with her this morning?" Again, Loki did not look his father in the eye causing him to chuckle. "Come now, do you think me blind? All can see that the time in Vanaheim has stirred something different in the relationship between you."

"She understands everything, even things I have not told her and she respects it all fully, without question or expectation to be told more. I have a mate like none other."

"I am elated to hear that my son. Now, I have to deal with the ever dull Lord Gregory, damn but I hate that Jotnar, but needs must." Laufey rose to his feet. "Try not to skewer anything in the meantime." Loki looked at his father on confusion. "I saw your little anger exercise yesterday."

"Ella felt it a better idea to release some anger."

"Once again, your mate was correct. It is clear to see, now more than ever, that the mate you have is more than the one you could ever want, she is what you need more than any, my son."

Laufey left, leaving Loki to consider his thoughts. Not long after, a timid looking Helbindi entered the throne room. Loki laughed at him as he meekly held his head.

“How are you here? You drank more than me?”

“Ella healed me,” he declared smugly.

“That is not fair. How come she did that?”

“I may have accidentally stumbled into her room last night in my drunken state and not my own.” Helbindi laughed at that. “Better than you walking into Father’s rooms.”

“I’ll have you know, I did not walk in, I fell in, on top of him.” Loki chuckled at the image of his younger brother falling onto their father. “How did she take you barging in?”

“Very well, according to what she showed me from her memories this morning since I remember nothing.”

Helbindi noticed something in his brother’s features. “Why are you smiling like that?”

“What?”

“Like...wait, what happened?”

“What are you babbling about?” Loki tried to walk off but Helbindi used his superior size to block his brother. “Bind…”

“Who is she?”

“Who?”

“This new one? You only ever look that happy after you get to have some fun, who is she?”

“Bind…” Loki looked around. “You cannot speak like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like I am sniffing around those I should not. I do not want trouble.”

“So, just say her name.”

“Ella.”

“Your mate?”

“Yes, my mate.”

“Why are you saying her name?”

“Because she is who you wish to know the name of.”

“No, I don’t, I want to know about...wait, you lay with her?” Loki nodded. “Not sleeping, actually…”

“Well, there was sleeping too.”

“But you said it was terrible with her.”

“It was,” Loki agreed. “Before.”

“What changed?”

“The time she almost left, she confessed that she heard us talking about her, how I spoke about her to you and she decided not to put any effort in but this time she did and it was good, great even.”

“Really? But you said she was a maiden, so how would she know how to do anything?”

“She has this ability, with her seidr, to show things she has seen in the past and she showed me things she read and things that those ladies-in-waiting she spoke about, Helbindi, the Aesir women would make you blush, they are not without sexual knowledge.” Loki’s eyes were wide as he recalled one of Ella’s ladies explain how to perform a leud act.

“Really, how?” Helbindi was intrigued more than he should be by such a statement.

“The things they know, and they all told her things. And what she read...Why did she never say anything…”

“What were the books?”

“I have no idea.”

“Ask her.”

“I am not asking her, you ask her.”

Helbindi looked at him with disbelief. “I cannot ask her, you idiot, then she will know we spoke like this again and she won’t let you near her.”

Loki winced. “Good point.”

“Wait, what if she bears you a child now?”

“Considering she is supposed to give me two sons, I would think it would be seen as a good thing.”

“But what about, you know…‘Leist and...”

“Ella stated it best, it would have been better if they were honest but they were not. I want to hate her for it, hate both of them for it but she wanted to hurt me, so I won’t let her.”

“Do you think that is why she did it?” Helbindi asked.

“I am not sure but the manner she looked at me, the cold look in her eyes, I think that perhaps she did. But I will not let her get me down, not now.”

“Not that your mate showed she actually knows what she is doing?”

“That helps, I will confess,” Loki smirked.

“Do you think the Vanir are as knowledgeable. There were one or two there that seemed interested in some fun when we were there.”

"I know a few of her ladies were Vanir. None seemed to be blushing in her memories."

"Nice." Helbindi's eyes were alight with such a prospect. “I think they look better than the Aesir.”

“Yes, you would think that, I remember you and the, what was her name?” Loki looked at his brother.

“No idea, that kissing thing they do is fun though. What do you think?”

“Have not tried it.”

“Really?”

“Is that hard for you to believe?”

“I thought you would try it since you tried everything else again. So, not a corpse then?”

Loki thought about how Ella had intertwined her legs with his, her hands exploring his body, whether intentionally or not, the manner in which she gripped his ass as he moved, urging him on. It all felt so much more natural. The one thing he did notice was her attempts to remain silent, biting her lips to remain so. He pleaded with her a few times to not force herself to remain quiet, but Ella would not relent, biting her lips together in attempts to not make noise. Clearly, that was something she was still under the impression should be done. He would have to speak with her and inform her that he liked that, being told how much his partner was enjoying herself made him feel better, knowing he was doing things well was something he wished for. It may be an awkward conversation, but he was willing to try it, as he hoped she would want to try other things with him. “Not like a corpse, definitely not.”

“I think you would rather be with her now.” Helbindi jested.

Loki could not argue his point.

[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG159, shortly before I’m Eradicated I Guess. TT___TT

- Hhhh over the quietness compared to last episode: less characters, less urgency, less twists and things happening on every side. Just the slowness, the repetitions of the waves, the footsteps, the echoes (down to the structure of the exchanges: Jon-Peter, Jon-Martin, Jon-Peter, Jon-Martin). Peter’s voice was really cool with earphones, because:

(MAG159) PETER: [DISTORTED] He doesn’t~ want~ to see you~ ARCHIVIST: Where are you? PETER: [DISTORTED, END OF SENTENCES ECHOING] I’m not here, Archivist – no one is. It’s only you.

Given how his voice was circling (sometimes far, closer, on the right, on the left), it really felt that indeed: he was nowhere at all, and everywhere at the same time. Everything felt more intimate, more personal, more intrusive: Peter’s personal story, Jon’s own sense of losses (the friends or people he cared for lost over his journey, the threat that Martin would meet the same fate), The Lonely feeding Martin with a false sense of security… everything was really fitting, for our first inside experience of The Lonely?

- I’m going to miss Peter’s own static, because it really felt to me, every time, that the tape recorders were just plain hissing at him for being there, “we do not like you, hhhh go away go away go away!!”. Though: Peter is dead (exploded/was ripped from existence), but Martin is still around (for now ;;), has been trained to be dual-Lonely, managed to disappear on Georgie in MAG149, has admitted that he was “getting there”, so… if Martin survives the end of season 4 and is not sealed or stuck somewhere afterwards, or at the very least, if we still hear him from time to time, we could still get some trademark Lonely static. This time from him. Sob.

- “If Peter loses, it won’t be (all) that bad” Simon and Elias said.

(MAG151) SIMON: I think… [INHALE] I think Peter is taking a rather large, but calculated gamble. Not just on you, but on a lot of things. If it works, he’ll be in a very strong position. And if he fails… it won’t be all that bad. MARTIN: You don’t think it will be the end of the world? SIMON: Oh! It very well might be, but…

(MAG158) PETER: … Fine. MARTIN: Great. [VERY SHARP SQUEALS OF DISTORTION INCREASING] Now, perhaps if one of you, then, can tell me what– [SHARP SQUEALS OF DISTORTION REACHING A PEAK, BEFORE DECREASING] ELIAS: It won’t be that bad, Peter~ [CHUCKLE] You’ll see. Now: he’ll be here soon, so you can leave, or…

Cue Peter being disintegrated. “won’t be that bad”.

(In Elias’s case, it was probably about The Watcher’s Crown happening and Peter having to live under The Eye, since it was before Peter announced that no, he would stick around to make it hard on Jon? But ouft.)

- I do love how Peter’s own statement didn’t even try to portray him in a good light (filthy rich, not doing much with his life or to create money on his own, only spending it? And utterly unrepentant about sacrificing people), but also showed how… pathetic he actually was? It really feels like he was broken since his childhood, and I was especially !! over this bit:

(MAG159) PETER: Gertrude was the one that scared me. She seemed to have no interest in meeting me whatsoever, something… I appreciated, but there was something in her eyes when she looked at me, as though she was making a calculation and I was an unwanted integer she was deciding whether to remove. It wasn’t until much later that I realised exactly how true that was. Still, it seems I was never a pressing enough concern for her to sail out after me, or even wait until I’d made port and waylay me. I suppose even she couldn’t have predicted how it would all turn out.

… He described her as a child would. How this big, undecipherable, scary adult could harm him, and how he would have been unable to do anything against that. It was also there in the way he seemed to constantly miss the point, although he had claimed to Martin that he was “focusing on the big picture” (MAG126):

* The Daedalus project. The Dark went full-force into it, created a device they would use for their ritual (and which had survived the failed attempt until Jon destroyed it in MAG143); it contributed to Simon’s research for his own next ritual attempt (MAG151: “Oh goodness no, that’s the future my boy! […] Honestly, I’m pinning most of my long-term hopes on space – but that’s at least a hundred years away.”); meanwhile, Peter:

(MAG159) PETER: I started it, shortly before Simon convinced me to join him with his little space experiment. It was interesting, of course! But in the end, a tremendous waste of money, just to scare a single astronaut. But I had it in my mind that it might distract from my true attempt.

Peter “focusing on the big picture” Lukas only spilled all that cash for an experiment on one person without… even… thinking… that maybe… it could serve… bigger/greater plans…

* The fact that a few details from his ritual attempts were personal biases – the only description we have of Peter is that he’s “white” and “very pale” for a sailor, so, big surprise that he would only pick white people for his project. (And he was obsessed with so many details in his description of the building? I mean, on the one hand, he got a good reading of how modern people’s fears worked (although he got help to nail it); on the other hand, it also read as an accumulation of small silly little details meant to casually make people’s lives worse… but not a Grand Plan or something. It was fairly efficient, it fits The Lonely, but still. The Dark and The Stranger plotted their ritual for years with an accumulation of esoteric symbols and dedication and The Lonely had to be an attempt coming from One Guy, and one of the evilnesses of said plan relied on cutting off people’s Internet. And he got defeated by a headline in the newspaper.)

(I’m not even sure that it was Gertrude who was responsible for the headline because, to be fair, that could as well have been Elias’s doing.)

* Still rezudisjnezd that he named the ritual “The Silence” only because he thought they had to have a name. It’s just. Lacking so much love and Conviction.

* Peter was ultimately played by everyone: Elias staged his encounter with Martin in MAG108, ensuring that Peter would pick him (was it because of Melanie&Basira’s conversation in MAG106, about the fact that Martin had a crush on Jon? Did Elias think that it would work as a safeguard to ensure that Martin would choose Jon over The Lonely?), and riled him up enough to go wait for Jon in The Lonely although it wasn’t part of their deal. Martin waited his time before dropping Peter at the last moment in the Panopticon. Even in this episode, Jon… lured him out:

(MAG159) PETER: [DISTORTED] Yes. I suppose you did. [FOOTSTEPS] … Where are your friends, Archivist? [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: Tim and Sasha are dead. [FOOTSTEPS] PETER: [DISTORTED] Yes. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: Daisy and Basira are… probably dead. [FOOTSTEPS] PETER: [DISTORTED] Because – of – you. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: Georgie and Melanie have left me. [FOOTSTEPS] PETER: [DISTORTED] And? [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: Martin’s gone. [FOOTSTEPS] PETER: [DISTORTED] You’re alone, Archivist. The last one standing. I did warn you, I did want you to leave but… perhaps it would be better if you stayed a while. After all, you can’t hurt anyone in here. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: Yes… [FOOTSTEPS] PETER: [DISTORTED] Yes. [FOOTSTEPS STOP] ARCHIVIST: [STATIC] … Or perhaps you could answer some questions. PETER: [DISTORTED] … What? ARCHIVIST: [STATIC INCREASES] I wouldn’t try to leave if I were you. I can See you now. I can find you wherever you go.

(J–Jon, that does count as “honey-trap”.)

* Feeding the pitiful vibes (not sympathetic ones): the fact that Peter was aware of his fatal flaw and the fact that he was predictable, not a big enough threat for anyone? And there was the casual awareness, too, that he wouldn’t come back, or at least wouldn’t come back to what he loved:

(MAG159) PETER: Some of my most peaceful memories were on the Tundra. I had gathered a small group of trusted souls, who I knew were loyal and dedicated – to… my money. They had no qualms or morals about what we did on that boat, and at my request, each signed to the ship under a false name, so I would never have to know who they were. Those Lonely nights of sacrifice, and waiting, hearing the dreadful sound of my ancestors’ whistle drift over the dark and brooding waters, knowing another soul was leaving this world… God, I wish I was there now…! Locked in my cabin, staring over the quiet emptiness of the open ocean. But it’s moored now, and I came on land, at Elias’s request. My crew is out there waiting for a call I think I am now unlikely ever to give them. […] Thinking about it now, perhaps one of the reasons I lasted as long as I did was that I was, at the end of the day, predictable. A “known quantity”. I had my little patch, sending my poor lost sailors to their Forsaken end, but I rarely stepped outside of it. When I think of all those I met who travelled in this secret world we found ourselves in – Gertrude, Simon, Mikaele, even Rayner… there are plenty whose lives might well have been easier with my death, but it was rare that I strayed outside my habits. […] Maybe that’s why, when I crossed paths with Adelard Dekker, we ended up talking, and he told me his theory of The Extinction – something that stayed with me even after he died pursuing it.

(* The way Adelard Dekker just casually chatted to Peter about his theory was revealing: we saw Adelard binding the Not!Them to the Web table, following an End avatar to neutralise him for some time and prevent further victims, confronting John Amherst at the cost of his own life… but Peter Lukas? Adelard chatted with him about his convictions and theories regarding a new Fear emerging.)

* The way Peter was obliterated on all accounts?? He got played by everyone, learned that Martin was not loyal to him, lost his bet with Elias, Jon tore his statement from his sore mouth (and DANG was Alasdair’s voice acting incredible, with Peter’s voice getting hoarser and hoarser as his story was dragged down from his throat; Peter wasn’t used to talking that much, clearly), then obliterated him in his own territory – The Lonely, with the sound of the waves reminiscent of the sea Peter loved. And Jon managed to get Martin and to get him back to himself, and is now ready to leave The Lonely. And nail into the coffin:

(MAG159) ARCHIVIST: Martin…! He’s gone, Martin. He is gone. MARTIN: [DISTANT, VOICE ECHOING] His only wish was to die alone. ARCHIVIST: Tough…!

… he didn’t even get to get his last wish respected. (That “Tough…!”, jON… Jon was acting like Tim in MAG118, when Jon was complaining about cobwebs.)

- I’m surprised we never saw a Eye-Vast-Lonely collaboration at work because??? Perfect trinity, they’ve all pointed out how close they were to each of the other two?

(MAG091) MIKE: A little bit of privacy. Is that really so much to ask? I suppose it is, isn’t it? From you and yours at least. We have a lot in common, really. After all, what, what good’s the height, the terrifying draw of gravity, unless you, unless you really know the scale of what you’re facing?

(MAG151) SIMON: I mean, yes, if you want to get technical, he serves The-One-Alone, and I serve The-Falling-Titan, but – those two are a lot closer than you might imagine. After all: the larger the space you find yourself alone in, the more isolated you feel. MARTIN: [RECITING] And being aware of how lonely you are can make anywhere feel more empty. SIMON: Exactly. I’ve actually been toying with the idea of trying to do something with the scale of humanity itself; you know, emphasise all that “overpopulation” nonsense, but… honestly, it just… doesn’t ring true for me. We’re all just so tiny and pointless, you see; it’s hard to really get past it.

(MAG159) PETER: [DISTORTED] Just go. [RUMBLING SOUND] ARCHIVIST: Make me. … Unless you can’t. The Lonely and The Eye aren’t too far apart, are they? Not really. What good’s being alone if you don’t know how alone you truly are.

Though yeah, The Eye sounds compatible with a lot of things – especially given how it just fed on Peter’s misery, indiscriminately (even to the point that, you got messed up by The Dark? Well, telling your story will still feed Beholding).

- I’m not sure I understood well what Peter meant, chronology-wise, regarding his ritual:

(MAG159) PETER: My instinct was much like the others: I thought that if I could complete my ritual first, then the potential birth of the Dreadful Change would be meaningless. I started it, shortly before Simon convinced me to join him with his little space experiment. It was interesting, of course! But in the end, a tremendous waste of money, just to scare a single astronaut. But I had it in my mind that it might distract from my true attempt.

If it’s how I think it went: Adelard talked to Peter about his theory of The Extinction, so Peter began to think about his ritual, but Simon distracted him with the Daedalus project first, Peter got involved with the Daedalus, then began to get invested in his Lonely ritual for real? If so:

* Adelard’s oldest letter regarding The Extinction was from January 2006 (MAG134). He probably talked about it with Peter around that time, since…

* “Stratosphere group” launched the Daedalus in early 2007 (MAG057).

* Peter brought Gertrude and Michael Shelly towards The Great Twisting (MAG101), some time after October 2009 (as it was coming close in MAG126).

* Sean Kelly was sacrificed on the Tundra in/shortly after October 2010 (MAG033).

So the big question is whether Gertrude had already thwarted Peter’s ritual attempt by The Great Twisting, or if she did it afterwards. Peter mentioned that he was a mess right after:

(MAG159) PETER: It really knocked me back. Took me years to find myself again. I returned to the Tundra, tried to forget.

And it could fit Carlita’s description of him in MAG033? (It would mean that Peter was actually MOPING when she saw him, which could match and explain why he had felt so different from the Peter Lukas who later started looming around the Institute.)

Another question is whether “[C/K]onrad Lukas” was actually Peter under an alias, or another Lukas:

(MAG057, Carter Chilcott) “I remember the man in charge of my particular project, Conrad Lukas, made a face of rather overstated disgust when he told me I wouldn’t be up there entirely on my own. I got the distinct impression he was one of those people who feel that ethical restrictions do nothing but bind the hands of the true scientist, and leave them at the mercy of their subjects’ limitations. […] Mission Control had also supplied me with a lot of books and films and other entertainment as, like Conrad had told me at the first briefing, the experiment was into isolation – not boredom.”

But given Peter’s own stance towards fiction:

(MAG159) PETER: I had no time for… books, or television, or any of the escapes and artificial friendships of fiction. No; I was myself, and that was enough.

I’m leaning towards the idea that it was another Lukas there. So: Peter being indeed the “favoured son”, official heir, in control of the family money, and sending other Lukases to do this or that.

- Re: Adelard’s email from MAG157:

(MAG159) PETER: Maybe that’s why, when I crossed paths with Adelard Dekker, we ended up talking, and he told me his theory of The Extinction – something that stayed with me even after he died pursuing it.

It doesn’t mean that Peter was the one who put it on Jon’s desk, but at the very least, he did indeed know that Adelard was dead. (I was strongly suspecting it since Peter had never mentioned to Martin the possibility of finding Adelard or working with him, so yeah, that checks out!)

- So…

(MAG111) GERARD: Families are just useful ‘cause they can push you in the right direction. And the Lukases are very good at that. ARCHIVIST: And I imagine they’re not… reluctant to remove any members that might put that legacy at risk. GERARD: Right. You know, for a group that worships a power of Loneliness, they never seem to have any problems breeding, or finding spooky singles to marry them. Just one of those things, I guess. But most times you try to put your descendants on the path to worship, it doesn’t go great. Just takes one stubborn heir to freak out about the truth, and the whole thing comes crashing down.

(MAG159) PETER: I suppose to call myself an “only child” is, technically, untrue. Two of my sisters still live, though they disavowed the family and moved far, far away. Still… to be cut off from one’s family is its own… very special sort of loneliness, isn’t it? So we all serve, in our own ways. The other two – my brother, Aaron, and sister, Judith – well… they weren’t considerate enough to quietly grow to adulthood and disappear. They simply didn’t have the temperament to thrive in a Lukas household, always trying to… instigate games… make friends… connect with people… As far as I’m aware, they were sent away, to live their lives with very distant relatives, never to return. I’m sure it’s possible my mother resolved the matter in a less pleasant manner, but in my limited interaction with her, she never struck me as a cruel woman, and I would imagine for children that age, the fear and isolation of being uprooted, and sent away, is just as strong as that of meeting a more… grisly fate.

I’m still not sure what happened with Evan Lukas, but this episode pointed out that, actually, Lukases that do not embrace The Lonely… are the norm. Out of the five children, Peter was the only one to willingly take that path, although growing up in such a family was, yeah, enough to mess up the others and make their lives casually miserable just because they had been born in the wrong family. On the one hand, funerals seemed to be a regular thing in the family (“When I returned, I was met by my mother and a small group of stern-faced relatives that I had never seen before – except at funerals. […] I left the house again shortly after, and took to the sea, and never saw my mother again – except, of course, at funerals.”); on the other hand, I think Peter would have mentioned it, if being a Lukas but straying away from the family god had a known tendency to kill you very soon, very fast…?

So what happened with Evan Lukas exactly…? Since ~having a heart~ was actually not that uncommon, since choosing not to partake in the family faith happened to almost all Lukases, what happened for him to suddenly die and for the family to try to feed Naomi to The Lonely…?

(- The mention of funerals was so awful and funny at the same time because, yes, you understand why in this family, funerals would constitute the ideal family gathering instead of getting everyone together over birthdays or life-oriented celebrations.

… at the same time, oops, it’s exactly Like That in my extended family too.

But still: Peter’s delivery was so… Peter. I’m love him, I’m gonna miss this awful man.)

- So, we got our ~Beach episode~ with the waves in the background, complete with a murder and a hug /o/ But the atmosphere was exceptionally fitting since, when Carter Chilcott was losing it in the Daedalus, he had dreamed about graveyards and the sea (MAG057: “I’d be sleeping, strapped into my bed in the middle of the void, or at the same time floating through ancient graveyards or the open, empty sea. They weren’t hallucinations though, they were dreams – even if the cold seem to seep out of them, and into the bones of me.”). In MAG159, we had waves, but also the sound of Jon walking on gravel, which was reminiscent of a graveyard? So, the two places Peter was associated with: the sea (and the Tundra), and the graveyards (from the funerals).

- I love how the (potential) Lonely Eyes was brushed upon with subtle touch / was “maybe there” behind what what Peter wasn’t saying:

(MAG159) PETER: My mother had five children over her life, before my father finally drifted away. She was a Lukas to the core, though not born into the family, while my father, for all he believed himself keen on a life… without… obligation, gradually withered away to nothing, as she cultivated the space between them. […] It was the sort of childhood that would not be allowed if we didn’t have money, but we’re an old family with, shall we say, a… [CHUCKLE] remarkably direct line of inheritance. […] I, of course, was the favoured son, being quiet and reserved and, at all points, deeply engaged with my own loneliness.

Not surprising for a Lonely avatar? But still noticeable that Peter never mentioned the concept of producing children of his own, when he was the “favoured son” in a family with a “remarkably direct line of inheritance” (you don’t have to be gay to not want children, but.). Same with his meeting with James-Elias-Jonah:

(MAG159) PETER: But it’s moored now, and I came on land, at Elias’s request. My crew is out there waiting for a call I think I am now unlikely ever to give them. … I will call him “Elias”, for that’s how I’ve known him for most of our… acquaintance, though I originally met him when he was still “James Wright, Head of the Magnus Institute”. I considered him a dull little man at first, so keen to watch other people’s misery, to lose himself in second-hand pain and drama – exactly the sort of thing I’d always been so keen to avoid. […] I suppose that’s why I was so keen when Elias contacted me. We kept in touch, of course: my family helped fund the Institute, and he’d always been good about tipping me off to potential victims. Going through something horrific can leave you feeling very isolated indeed, especially if you know no one else will believe you. And of course… he knew I find it hard to resist a wager.

Peter “considered him a dull little man at first”, and that “at first” is saying a lot on its own, uh? (I’m screaming a bit less dignifiedly over that hesitation before “acquaintance”, because that one really felt like a way to circumvent The Eye’s compulsion, to not lie but not go into TMI territory.)

As Peter mentioned, he was a creature of habit – so, it’s almost sweet, in its own way, that he stuck to “Elias”, since it was the body he was mainly accustomed to (… well. “host-body”.)

(- SCREAMING over the concept of Elias “tipping off” Peter to victims as potential Lonely sacrifices: OF COURSE, he would, and that’s??? So horrible??? And yeah, really putting back in mind that the Institute has never been a “good” place, or even that passive: getting stories from people, feeding their trauma to The Eye, trapping them in the Archivist’s nightmares if they gave their statements live, never helping you to deal with the things that were going after you… and even ensuring that you could be snatched up by other Fears. I thought that sending Brian to the Lonely in MAG100 was a power display (snatching a victim in The Eye’s own temple under Elias’s nose), and maybe it was; but it was… also linked to the fact that anyway, Peter was used to get statement-givers after the Institute was done with them.

… come to think of it, that’s almost “sweet”/blasphemy from Elias, to throw potential victims in Peter’s direction, since it means they wouldn’t feed The Eye anymore?)

- … Peter’s statement also highlighted that Peter was (assumingly) pretty young compared to Elias-Jonah? I’m a bit sad about how ouuuuuuuuuuuuuft, in the end, Peter and Elias’s relationship doesn’t feel like two terrible people casually annoying each other and their plans, after all, but… mostly Elias indulging/toying with Peter, from start to finish? The way Peter described it, they were absolutely not on equal ground:

(MAG159) PETER: And of course… he knew I find it hard to resist a wager. If I could convince one of his staff to willingly pledge themselves to The Lonely, it was all mine. He even let me pick the victim. He was so sure the prize of the Institute, the Panopticon, and a willing vessel to use it, would be just too much for me to resist. And… he was right. Just didn’t go quite as I’d hoped. … You know, this is one of the first bets I ever made with him that I’ve actually lost. But I guess that’s how hustlers work, isn’t it? They lose, and lose, until you’re willing to put it all on the line, and then… the trap shuts. So I suppose that’s probably why I reacted so rashly, trying to rip his victory away. Keep you here. But it looks like I might have underestimated my opponent, once again.

Elias absolutely manipulated Peter from the start? He pushed him in Martin’s direction (MAG108) so the pick was rigged from the start. He lost previous bets, assumedly on purpose, just to give Peter a false sense of security. Elias got what he needed from Peter, which was at the bare minimum getting Jon to willingly experience The Lonely, and a potential few petty bonuses (making Martin’s life miserable for a few months after Martin plotted his arrest; ensuring that the Archives team would drift apart with The Lonely’s presence in the Institute; pushing Basira to leave Jon alone with the coffin, then encouraging her to take Jon to Svalbard so Jon would both face The Buried and The Dark)… meanwhile, Peter didn’t manage to get anything at all except for a few researchers? It seems that Peter was the only one to think that Elias and him were on kinda equal footing?

(I’m not excluding the possibility that Elias will be surprised/upset to learn that Jon absolutely butchered Peter, and that Elias was assuming that Peter would get out damaged but not dead, but… not banking on it. From the letters we saw, Jonah Magnus wasn’t really into attachments, and given Elias’s cackle when Peter went off to wait for Jon in The Lonely? Yeah no, all according to plan.)

- ;; Martin got back this time, but I’m not sure that his involvement with The Lonely won’t have long-lasting (well. First assuming he survives.) effects on him? His description of the comfort he found in it didn’t come out of nowhere – it’s how he had described it to the tape recorders before:

(MAG142) MARTIN: [SIGH] Th–the worst part is I don’t even want to talk to him about it. I’m just… [SIGH] I suppose I’m just getting comfortable with the distance. [SIGH] Cut off. [DRY CHUCKLE] “Lonely”. [INHALE] Mind you, Peter’s not wrong. It really is easier than actually just trying to communicate with people.

(MAG149) MARTIN: Sort of… surprised Peter hasn’t rocked up with some more… “insights”? Haven’t seen him around for a while, actually. I mean… eh, it’s not like I miss him [CHUCKLING] but, at least he was someone to– [PAUSE] … Ah. [HUFF] [PAPER RUSTLING] Yeah, that makes sense. [EXHALE] A’ight, fine. Just… me on my lonesome for a while, then. … Could be worse. … Peaceful, at least. … I don’t miss all the shouting. [CHUCKLE] Even if it w–

(MAG156) MARTIN: Mm. “Emptiness or maggots”…! It’s kinda the shape of things around here, isn’t it? Still, kind of nice to talk to some… thing. [INHALE] It’s always… quiet, these days. For me, at least. I guess I technically have the power to make it not quiet, to… to talk to people, but like… You know, I–I also have the power to clean out the fridge, and it’s still a mess. It’s not that I don’t want to clean the fridge, it’s just… Some things are just hard…! Anyway. I know he’s been listening to the tapes so, [INHALE] I guess that’ll have to do. I think I still care that he hears my voice. It’s hard to tell, sometimes. How much do I actually care; how much is just feeling that I should care. I’m on my own so much these days, I… just wish I didn’t like it so much.

(MAG159) MARTIN: [DISTANT, VOICE ECHOING] N–No. No, I don’t think so. ARCHIVIST: … Why? MARTIN: [DISTANT, VOICE ECHOING] This is where I should be. It feels right. ARCHIVIST: Martin, don’t say that. MARTIN: [DISTANT, VOICE ECHOING] Nothing hurts here. It’s just quiet. Even the fear is gentle here. ARCHIVIST: This isn’t right, this isn’t you! MARTIN: [DISTANT, VOICE ECHOING] It is, though. [CHUCKLE] I really loved you, you know? […] ARCHIVIST: Listen – I know you think you want to be here, I know you think it’s safer and w– … well, maybe it is… But we need you. I need you. MARTIN: [DISTANT, VOICE ECHOING] No, you don’t. Not really…! Everyone’s alone, but we all survive. ARCHIVIST: I don’t just want to survive! MARTIN: [DISTANT, VOICE ECHOING] I’m sorry.

Some of the things Martin said over season 4 might have been in case Peter would hear them, but there was still some bits of truth, eh? And it’s absolutely nasty from The Lonely to sell him promises of distance – not losing anymore, not being hurt ever again – when Martin had indeed lost and lost and lost.

(And ouft, the shared bits regarding how Jon and Martin experienced The Lonely and/or Peter’s influence… Peter reminded Martin of Tim and Sasha’s death right at the start of MAG158, simply by mentioning Tim and freeing Not!Sasha; Jon had to once again acknowledge whom he had lost, so Tim and Sasha, while walking in The Lonely. Martin got promised to not be hurt again; Jon got encouraged to give in because he couldn’t hurt anyone again.)

* Cries in season 4 trailer:

(S4 trailer) MARTIN: We really need you, Jon. Everything’s… It’s bad. I–I don’t know how much longer we can do this. We– … I need you. A–and… I know that you’re not… [PAUSE] I–I know th–there’s no way to… [PAUSE] But we need you. Jon. Jon, please, just… Please. If–if there’s anything left in you that can still… see us, or–or some power that you’ve still got, or–or, or something, anything – please! … Please… [SHAKY BREATHING, STRANGLED VOICE] I… I can’t…

(MAG159) ARCHIVIST: Listen – I know you think you want to be here, I know you think it’s safer and w– … well, maybe it is… But we need you. I need you. MARTIN: [DISTANT, VOICE ECHOING] No, you don’t. Not really…! Everyone’s alone, but we all survive.

Because!!! Gnn, Martin could deflect Jon like this since he had already tried to beg for help, for Jon to come back, down to the correction of “We – I need you”, and it hadn’t worked back then.

And that’s the thing with Martin, I think? He highlighted in MAG158 that he wasn’t a “chosen” one and, given his life, it indeed feels like a long string of never being chosen or favoured or saved. His father dumped him along with his mother when he was a kid (MAG118: “How old were you when your father left? Eight? Nine? When you mother began to sicken and he decided he was done with you both.”), his mother had grown to hate him although he had sacrificed his life for her well-being, quitting school to find work (MAG118: “Your mother… simply hates you. You just don’t know why! It’s not your fault. Though I know that isn’t any consolation, it’s just bad luck, really.”). Tim… had favoured him a lot, at first (still following him when Martin wanted to check on Jon at the end of season 2, warning him over what it meant to read statements during season 3) but ultimately followed his own path to avenge his brother without considering Martin a reason to stay (MAG114: “You know how long that thing pretended to be Sasha? […] And I had no idea? I knew Sasha for years, we… I don’t know Martin as well as I knew her; I barely know what Melanie and Basira look like, or that weird murder-cop.”). It has been the case with a lot of characters (Martin did that to Tim by favouring Jon over him, too?), but Basira and Daisy had each other, Georgie and Melanie found each other, and given his backstory, it’s… not really a surprise that a weak spot would be the fact that, although he’s trying to be the caretaker and the caregiver, Martin mostly wanted to be cared for by someone…? (And it wasn’t anyone’s responsibility or duty to provide that, except for his parents, and that part had been screwed for most of his life already.) (Well, tho. Technically, Martin has been “chosen” thrice recently: by Elias when he pushed Peter in his direction, by Peter when he picked Martin for their bet – and now by Jon.)

So tl;dr SOMEONE CAME FOR MARTIN, and independently from the fact that it was Jon, I’m so glad for him? ;w; Especially with the contrast between the two times Martin was made to experience Eye powers:

(MAG118) ELIAS: The resemblance is quite uncanny: the face of the man she hates, who destroyed her life, watching over her; feeding her; cleaning her; looking down on her with such pity– MARTIN: [RAGGED] Shut! Up! ELIAS: Do you want to know what she sees when she looks a you? [STATIC INTENSIFIES] MARTIN: [STRANGLED BREATHING AND CRIES] [FOR LONG] [LONG] [STRANGLED SOBS] [STATIC FADES OUT] ELIAS: Don’t. burn. any more. statements.

(MAG159) ARCHIVIST: Martin… Martin, look at me. Look at me, and tell me what you see. [STATIC RISES] MARTIN: [DISTANT, VOICE ECHOING] I see… [INHALE] I see you, Jon. [BREATHLESS CHUCKLE] [PRESENT, ECHO FADES] I see you…! ARCHIVIST: Oh, Martin… [CLOTHES RUSTLING] MARTIN: [FRANTIC BREATHING] I w–I was on my own…! I was all on my own… ARCHIVIST: Not anymore. Come on – let’s go home…

In both cases: showing, seeing… but in order to hurt him (thx Elias), and in order to comfort/love him (jON!!). Souring and taking vs. … giving?

And it felt like such a completion for Jon, too! Because Sasha had died in a blind spot, unnoticed until Jon could pick up on and puzzle together what had happened to her. Tim died “thanks” to Jon giving him the means to fight against The Unknowing’s effects, through the compulsion.

(MAG119) ARCHIVIST: Tim!! [STATIC] What do you see? TIM: I see my asshole boss! W– wait… wait… SARAH: Spoil-sport. NIKOLA: Tim… TIM: … Grimaldi. NIKOLA: Once, a long time ago, before Orsinov made me. And sometimes, even now, on special occasions. Like your brother! DISTORTED MALE VOICE: Shall I? ARCHIVIST: Tim! [STATIC] What’s in your hand? TIM: It’s… I don’t… the– the– … the detonator…

And we got a glimpse of how the people Jon had lost, permanently or spiritually, were still impacting him:

(MAG159) PETER: [DISTORTED, END OF SENTENCES ECHOING] I tried to tell you. He’s gone. He made his choice. And it wasn’t you. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: … It was for me, though. I’m the reason he…! … I did this to him as much as you. PETER: [DISTORTED] Yes. I suppose you did. [FOOTSTEPS] … Where are your friends, Archivist? [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: Tim and Sasha are dead. [FOOTSTEPS] PETER: [DISTORTED] Yes. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: Daisy and Basira are… probably dead. [FOOTSTEPS] PETER: [DISTORTED] Because – of – you. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: Georgie and Melanie have left me. [FOOTSTEPS] PETER: [DISTORTED] And? [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: Martin’s gone. [FOOTSTEPS] PETER: [DISTORTED] You’re alone, Archivist. The last one standing. I did warn you, I did want you to leave but… perhaps it would be better if you stayed a while. After all, you can’t hurt anyone in here.

Jon, who had failed to save anyone… finally managed to get Martin (/an assistant) back. Regardless of Jon’s personal feelings for Martin, it’s still so much…! Peter was right to point out that they don’t know each other that much (and I’m glad that someone finally addressed it), but it’s not that much relevant when there is still a desire to reach the other, like we saw? I’m glad for that this small bubble of hug and comfort was found…

(;; But. He did save Martin. Thanks to The Eye’s powers. It was a mix of himself as a human and of supernatural means, but… It’s not the kind of series where using these powers is ever a positive thing in the medium to long run.)

(I’m still not sure what I want Jon to have done there!! If it was to focus and anchor Martin, or to Show His Inner Self to him. Whatever Martin saw, it pleased him; it might not be a Good Thing given that Jon had just murdered someone but!! Still. Martin was happy?? Relieved??? In my TMA??? I’m so worried over what the next episode will do to shatter that orz)

- edcnjxerfd Peter please.

(MAG159) PETER: [DISTORTED] You’ve still got time, Archivist. Turn around, and leave. You’ve played your part; now, go. ARCHIVIST: What’s wrong, Lukas? Afraid of talking face to face? PETER: [DISTORTED] [LAUGH] Of course! Or haven’t you been paying attention? ARCHIVIST: [GRUNT] [FOOTSTEPS] Mar–tin!

Glad that it was acknowledged that yeah, Peter had been avoiding him for the entirety of season 4; extra-glad that Jon is receiving that as a slow burn.

- Re: Jon => he was incredibly scary, I’m Very Worried because, despite the hug, despite the comfort, despite Martin being found/chosen and Jon finally managing to save someone, it was still Jon’s powers who saved him… and it had been a good thing when it had happened with the coffin according to Elias.

And Jon was incredibly predatory in this episode: he didn’t need Peter’s statement! He crushed him to extort it, like with Breekon and Manuela! He still pushed to get more afterwards, leading to Peter’s annihilation! … and yeah, One Less Avatar Doing Harm, but it had nothing to do with that or saving Martin. It was pure Eye hunger; and we saw with Daisy and the Section 31 officers that this kind of violence is not written to be perceived as positive (it’s cruelty and violence for the sake of violence, it has nothing to do with fairness or justice). As much as I prefer to see Jon being like this to other avatars rather than to innocents… I’m afraid that it could also mean that he’s going to fall back into hunting people, if Elias’s immediate plans don’t incapacitate him? Who would make sure that he doesn’t? Melanie has left; Daisy is lost; Basira is… we don’t know yet. (And Martin but ;; Martin was too happy, there has to be a trick and he’ll be either stuck back in The Lonely or in the Panopticon or serve as a new body for Jonah, or get killed and trapped in the End book, uh.)

- Something that gets me is how heavily Jon’s journey to The Lonely sounds like his descent into the coffin?

(MAG128, Breekon) “It was waiting. I fed her to it. She took him from me. Made us a me, and she doesn’t get to die for that. She gets to live, trapped, and helpless, and entombed forever. No prey, no hunt, no movement. We failed, but I have at least that comfort. I am without him, now. I. am. I can feel myself fading. Weak. No reason to move. Nothing to deliver. But I am no longer tied to the casket; so you can have it. You can stare at it, knowing how your feral friend suffers, knowing how powerless you are to help. And when you can’t bear it any longer, knowing that you can climb in and join her…”

(MAG132) ARCHIVIST: I have her voice. I think that should be enough to find her, and I’m leaving my– … I’ll leave it with the tape. I should be able to find my way back to it… I think. Wish me luck…! … Although I suppose if you’re hearing this, then I… I didn’t have any. I don’t know. I’m… I’m scared. [SHORT CHUCKLE] When does the fear go away…? […] It’s okay… I’ve… I’ve got a plan. DAISY: I–is this like all your other plans? ARCHIVIST: It’s fine, I just… I just need to… to find it. DAISY: What? ARCHIVIST: Come on… Come on, where I… DAISY: Jon? ARCHIVIST: … Come on… [STATIC] [SHAKY BREATHING] DAISY: Jon? ARCHIVIST: I know… DAISY: Th–the way out? ARCHIVIST: No… I know where we are! There isn’t no out, not here. This is… this is forever deep below creation. Where the weight of existence bears down… This is The Buried, and we are alive… There isn’t even an up. … Oh god… What have I done! What have I done… […] [STATIC RISING] D–Daisy… DAISY: Uh, I’m, I’m here. ARCHIVIST: I I can… I–It… it’s closer. DAISY: What is? ARCHIVIST: M–my, my… my anchor? My… A–a  rib, I can f–, I can fee– … I know the way! [DIGGING SOUNDS] DAISY: Wh–what? H–how– ARCHIVIST: I don’t… It’s like… My mindlink is… it’s stronger…

(MAG134) PETER: What does puzzle me, though, and I mean that genuinely, is… why you were piling tape recorders onto the coffin, while Jon was in there. [PAUSE] It’s a question, Martin, it’s– it’s not an accusation. MARTIN: I don’t know. And I just… felt like it might help. He’s always recording, I thought… it–it might help him… find his way out. PETER: Interesting. Were you compelled? MARTIN: [SULLEN] … I don’t know. … M–maybe? I–I, I definitely wanted to do it… PETER: But? MARTIN: I’m… I’m not sure where the idea came from.

(MAG135) ELIAS: I needed a way to force him to harness his ability more acutely than he had before. The coffin was a useful tool; Daisy an adequate bait. BASIRA: Then you messed up. Way he tells it, he doesn’t know how he got out of there. ELIAS: But he did. And his powers were no small part of it. Even if he required some assistance, they were what saved him. And he’s still achieved what no one – mortal, monster, or anything in-between – has ever been able to. He climbed out of The Buried.

(MAG136) DAISY: Jon… when you went into the coffin. Was it you choosing to do that? Did you actually think you could save me, or was… that something telling you to do it? [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: It was me. I was… drawn to it, I’ll admit, but it was my decision. [PAUSE] It wasn’t entirely about you, though. […] If I do die, now, or get sealed away somewhere forever… I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. And I don’t want to lose anyone else so, if I can maybe stop that happening, and [DRY CHUCKLE] the only danger is to me, I– I’ll do it in a heartbeat; worst case scenario… the universe loses another monster. DAISY: That’s messed up. ARCHIVIST: [LOW SELF-DEPRECATIVE DRY LAUGHTER] … Yeah. I suppose it is. DAISY: Did you know the coffin wouldn’t kill you? ARCHIVIST: I– guess I thought imprisonment wouldn’t… wouldn’t be as bad as it was. DAISY: [SHAKY SIGH] ARCHIVIST: And it’s a lot easier to make that choice than it is to actually… endure the result. You might have noticed when I was in there with you, I… I had regrets.

So: warned about the danger of going inside the coffin, fearing it when he was on the verge of doing it, suffering from it once inside; a main motivation to still try was that it was a way to save Daisy; was initially trapped/made to experience what The Buried is about… until Jon’s powers kicked in and he managed to get back to the surface.

Rinse and repeat with The Lonely:

(MAG158) ELIAS: Peter. [PAUSE] It’s time. [SILENCE] PETER: … Fine. MARTIN: Great. [VERY SHARP SQUEALS OF DISTORTION INCREASING] Now, perhaps if one of you, then, can tell me what– [SHARP SQUEALS OF DISTORTION REACHING A PEAK, BEFORE DECREASING] ELIAS: It won’t be that bad, Peter~ [CHUCKLE] You’ll see. Now: he’ll be here soon, so you can leave, or… PETER: Oh no. No. I’m not gonna make it easy on him. You haven’t won yet. ELIAS: Your choice. Just make sure to leave the door open. […] ARCHIVIST: … You want me to follow him. ELIAS: No, Jon. You want you to follow him. I simply want you to know that if you do so, you are almost certainly not coming back. To go into The Lonely willingly is as good as death. ARCHIVIST: … How do I do it? ELIAS: [INHALE] Wasn’t too long ago. And I’m sure traces of their passage still remain.  Just open your mind. Drink it all in. Know their route, [VERY SHARP SQUEALS OF DISTORTION, INCREASING] and simply… follow it. ARCHIVIST: [LOUDER BREATHING] ELIAS: Very good. Are you scared, Jon? ARCHIVIST: Yes… ELIAS: Perfect.

(MAG159) PETER: [DISTORTED] You’ve still got time, Archivist. Turn around, and leave. You’ve played your part; now, go. […] You’re alone, Archivist. The last one standing. I did warn you, I did want you to leave but… perhaps it would be better if you stayed a while. After all, you can’t hurt anyone in here. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: Yes… [FOOTSTEPS] PETER: [DISTORTED] Yes. [FOOTSTEPS STOP] ARCHIVIST: [STATIC] … Or perhaps you could answer some questions. PETER: [DISTORTED] … What? ARCHIVIST: [STATIC INCREASES] I wouldn’t try to leave if I were you. I can See you now. I can find you wherever you go. […] MARTIN: [FRANTIC BREATHING] I w–I was on my own…! I was all on my own… ARCHIVIST: Not anymore. Come on – let’s go home… MARTIN: How? ARCHIVIST: [SOFTLY] Don’t worry. I know the way.

In both cases, Jon went in to save someone despite his own fears (or because of them), got initially stuck (Buried and made to understand he couldn’t leave it; haunted by Peter who was trying to goad him to stay in the Lonely because of everything he had lost) until… his powers kicked back to the surface, fighting resistances until he could get out of here – in both cases, “I know the way”.

Still unsure over what was his anchor or the thing that actually pulled him out of there – was it his connection to The Eye, through the statements…? Was it truly his rib, though it needed a bit of amplification? Was it specifically his connection to the audio recordings, Web stuff, the lighter? Martin was used to do something, back with the coffin, and given that 1°) Peter and Elias had an ongoing bet relying on Elias’s non-interference, 2°) Peter accused Elias of having interfered in MAG158, so it was a possibility (and put in another perspective the way he asked if Martin had been “compelled” to help Jon in MAG134: he may have suspected it was Elias’s doing), 3°) … Elias apparently can “call” Jon indeed (MAG158: “Ah, Jon. I was almost worried…! You found your way all right.” “Yes. … Ye–yes, I did… How?” “Suffice it to say I called you.”), it’s also possible that it is just Elias calling him back right now… we’ll see, I guess. Are Martin and Jon going to come out surrounded by tape recorders…? …………… or past statement-givers who have been “called” here too…?

- Another point of worry when comparing the coffin and The Lonely trip: what happened after Jon… got out from the coffin.

(MAG146) ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] Jess Tyrell, the woman on the tape… [SIGH] She was the fourth. I–I just tried to… I was weak, r–ravenous, I–I didn’t feel… … The first was a supermarket cleaner. Em, ended up lost for a week in an endless warehouse. I didn’t even…! I–I just went in for some shopping, and he was there, and I–I just… asked. The second was, uh, it was after I got… stabbed by Melanie. MELANIE: You are not putting this on me! ARCHIVIST: No, that’s not what I meant! [SIGH] I was walking the streets, I–I thought I was trying to clear my head– DAISY: [DELIBERATE] But you were hunting. ARCHIVIST: … Apparently. I found a woman who… every year on her birthday, wakes up in a fresh grave. Just for her. DAISY: And the third was after the coffin. ARCHIVIST: A man rejected by all who knew him, searching ever-darker places for love. When he told me his story, he started… weeping maggots.

On the one hand: Jon gave in and took Peter’s statement – it should count as “feeding”. On the other hand: he used his powers on him right after (to the point of Peter’s… destruction), used them again with Martin, and may be relying on them again to leave The Lonely. The situation mirrors what happened with the trip against The Dark – taking Manuela’s statement, then using his powers to destroy the Dark Sun – and that one had not left Jon in an amazing state (MAG145: “We’ve been back in London for just over a week, now. I’m… more or less recovered physically.”).

Right when he left, Trevor and Julia had been wrecking havoc in the Institute, Hunting staff members; Basira had pointed out that cases happening in the Institute meant an automatic Section 31, which means there could be Section’d officers full of stories heading there… Which… is extra bad given Jon’s current state…?

- ;; Martin was at his softest and I still can’t believe the sheer relief in his voice, the fact he was getting One Nice Thing… But aouch, the context in itself hurts so much?

Jon taking Peter’s statement had nothing to do with saving Martin, and it was clearly an Eye monster getting what it wanted here:

(MAG159) ARCHIVIST: Yes… [FOOTSTEPS] PETER: [DISTORTED] Yes. [FOOTSTEPS STOP] ARCHIVIST: [STATIC] … Or perhaps you could answer some questions. PETER: [DISTORTED] … What? ARCHIVIST: [STATIC INCREASES] I wouldn’t try to leave if I were you. I can See you now. I can find you wherever you go. [STRONG STATIC] PETER: Fine! It was just a thought. [STATIC DECREASES] So leave. ARCHIVIST: Not before I get some answers. PETER: That’s not going to happen. ARCHIVIST: [STATIC] Tell me your story, Peter Lukas. [STATIC INCREASES] PETER: No…! ARCHIVIST: Tell me! PETER: [GROANING, STRUGGLING] Fine! Fine. […] I’m. Not saying. Another. Word. [STATIC INCREASES] ARCHIVIST: Tell me, or I will rip it out of you! [STATIC INCREASES] PETER: [STRUGGLING] No…! ARCHIVIST: Answer. My question! PETER: NO! Leave – me – ALONE! [STATIC INCREASES] ARCHIVIST: TELL ME! PETER: [GROANING SCREAM] [RIPPING, EXPLODING SOUND] [STATIC FADES] ARCHIVIST: … Stubborn fool…

Peter was not an innocent, was horrible; although he was indeed born in a bad family, we clearly saw that that doesn’t necessarily mean turning into a monster (his brothers and sisters either didn’t have the personality, or cut ties as soon as they became adults). This is still a lifestyle he chose to embrace, relying on sacrificing innocents?

But even then, it really doesn’t make Jon’s actions heroic and “right” at all: forcing Peter to spill his story, destroying someone who couldn’t do much more damage to him or Martin and whose last words were “Leave me alone” (ffs), and almost shruggingly putting the blame on Peter afterwards. In this episode, although Peter tried to ~seduce~ Jon into The Lonely, the monster clearly was Jon: Jon, who fed The Eye through Peter and got himself fed through Peter’s misery and revealed secrets, and who used Eye powers to destroy Peter. Even if he did some good (?) to Martin, it was still by using the same powers, granted by that Fear god, in the same episode during which Jon broke his hunger strike (“only” three months, from Manuela on the 16th of June, to Peter on the 25th of September)… and that really can’t be good, uh.

(- ;; Also ;; That association of the archives/the institute as Jon’s “home”…

(MAG143) HELEN: Go find your Basira. Then, let’s get you both home. (MAG159) ARCHIVIST: Not anymore. Come on – let’s go home…

Not good ;; Maybe it will turn out that Jon was planning to get Martin out of the institute in that last one, but I doubt it ;;)

(But that switch, with Jon going from “I killed a man because he didn’t want to answer my questions” to “Martin!”:

(MAG159) ARCHIVIST: … Stubborn fool… [FOOTSTEPS] Martin…! He’s gone, Martin. He is gone. MARTIN: [DISTANT, VOICE ECHOING] His only wish was to die alone. ARCHIVIST: Tough…! Now, listen to me, Martin. Li–listen… MARTIN: [DISTANT, VOICE ECHOING] Oh, hello, Jon. ARCHIVIST: Listen – I know you think you want to be here, I know you think it’s safer and w– … well, maybe it is… But we need you. I need you.

Jon confirmed as a cat, going from murderous to uwu in a few seconds.)

- There were a few things in Peter’s statement which put me in mind of Robert Smirke’s letter:

(MAG138, Robert Smirke) “I have been blessed with a long life, something few who crossed paths with the Dread Powers can boast, but now… at the end of it, my true fear is that I have wasted it, chasing an impossible dream. […] So many have abandoned us, casting about for rituals that I helped design. In my excited discussions with Mr. Rayner, I… perhaps extrapolated too much from his talk of a “Grand Ritual” of darkness. The Dark, I thought, was simply one of the Powers so, it stands to reason that each of them should have its own ritual. Perhaps they already did, even before I put pen to paper. They certainly do now, and I shudder to think how Lukas, Scott and the others may use this conception.”

(MAG159) PETER: Thinking about it now, perhaps one of the reasons I lasted as long as I did was that I was, at the end of the day, predictable. A “known quantity”. I had my little patch, sending my poor lost sailors to their Forsaken end, but I rarely stepped outside of it. When I think of all those I met who travelled in this secret world we found ourselves in – Gertrude, Simon, Mikaele, even Rayner… there are plenty whose lives might well have been easier with my death, but it was rare that I strayed outside my habits.

It was mostly the overall tone of someone who knows they’re going to die soon, with the statement feeling more like a testament at that moment? But, in Smirke’s case, he was still seeing people (although corrupted) still going on, which quite contrasts with Peter since…

Season 4 really feels like a season clearing up and “concluding” a lot of stories which had been ongoing until now? We learned about so many rituals, and how they weren’t a pressing concern or an ongoing issue for the next decades (Gertrude took care of The Spiral, The Buried, The Flesh, The Lonely; The Slaughter and The Vast have wasted their chance recently, same for (Jon  thinks) The Corruption; both Elias and Gertrude had understood that The Dark wouldn’t succeed in 2015; Agnes’s doubts prevented The Desolation’s from happening; team Archives handled The Stranger at the end of season 3; The Hunt, The End and The Web can’t complete their rituals or don’t have any interest in doing so). And at the same time, we also got so many confirmations over reccurring characters’ fates and the circumstances in which they died and got neutralised, at least officially: The Stranger’s minions exploded at the end of season 3 (only leaving Breekon, who was Known by Jon rather forcefully); Gertrude’s hypothesis regarding Tom Haan in MAG130 revealed that we had probably witnessed his ending in MAG030 already (fading away, following his failed ritual); there wasn’t any trick and Maxwell Rayner seemed to have indeed been taken care of in the events related in MAG073 (MAG135, MAG140, MAG143), [Vardan Darvish] had indeed been killed in the events described in MAG109, and Manuela Dominguez, one of the last cultist, was swallowed by Helen’s doors in MAG143; we witnessed a (?) Web avatar’s last moment in MAG136; Agnes Montague indeed organised her assisted suicide in MAG067 (MAG139, MAG145); though still shrouded in mystery, Mikaele Salesa has been (at least officially) dead for years (MAG141); Eric Delano had indeed been dead since the 90s (MAG154); Adelard Dekker died shortly before Gertrude (MAG157), ensuring John Amherst’s confinement and neutralisation for a long time at least. We already knew about Gertrude’s death (we heard her getting shot live in season 4, tho); we heard Leitner’s murder; Gerry Keay stopped living and then actually died when Jon burned his page; Mary Keay had been dead for a few years and Gertrude had burned her page; Jane Prentiss died at the end of season 1; Arthur Nolan’s death was described in MAG055; Diego Molina in MAG012; Raymond Fielding had been taken care of by Agnes in the 70s; Mike Crew was murdered/Buried in MAG091; “Michael” was replaced in MAG102… and now, we can add Peter Lukas to the list of avatars/monsters who are not current concerns anymore.

Who are the recurring figures left and still kicking, at this point? Amongst the old or middle-aged ones: Jared Hopworth (Flesh, turned avatar in 1996, manhandled by Helen at the end of MAG131 but set free), Jude Perry (Desolation, turned avatar in 1991, still kicking though their ritual was neutralised), Trevor Herbert (Hunt, old as balls), Daisy (Hunt, began to deal with the supernatural as a child and formally starting 2002; Trevor and Daisy might be currently destroying each other), “Elias Bouchard” (Beholding, Jonah being more than 200 years old), Simon Fairchild (Vast, a few centuries old, having a blast).

We have a few recent avatars around: Oliver Banks (End, turned in or after 2015), Annabelle Cane (Web, turned in 2010), Helen-the-Distortion (Spiral, took over in 2017), Julia Montauk (embraced The Hunt in Summer 2010), Jon (Beholding, gradually groomed into avatarhood from late 2015 to early 2018), potentially Martin (Beholding-touched Lonely, late 2017 and 2018).

… it really feels like a clean slate? What can there be afterwards, an expansion of that new generation of avatars, or nothing at all…? (We still have The Extinction, and Hill Top Road, and most likely Beholding happening or trying to happen right now… but it really feels like a current cycle has been reaching its end…?

- WorriedAboutElias™ T____T

(MAG135) BASIRA: [DRY SIGH] What was the point? You won’t be getting your ritual off from in here so, what do you need him for? What’s so important you need him stronger?

(MAG158) ELIAS: You’ve lost, Peter. Admit it. […] Peter. [PAUSE] It’s time. […] It won’t be that bad, Peter~ [CHUCKLE] You’ll see. Now: he’ll be here soon, so you can leave, or… PETER: Oh no. No. I’m not gonna make it easy on him. You haven’t won yet. ELIAS: Your choice. Just make sure to leave the door open. [VERY SHARP SQUEALS OF DISTORTION INCREASING, REACHING A PEAK, THEN DECREASING AND STOPPING] ELIAS: [LONG, ECHOING, DELIGHTED LAUGHTER] [SELF-CONTENDED SIGH]

(MAG159) PETER: So I suppose that’s probably why I reacted so rashly, trying to rip his victory away. Keep you here. But it looks like I might have underestimated my opponent, once again. ARCHIVIST: … What was his prize? What did he get, if you lost? PETER: Oh, he got you. ARCHIVIST: … I, I don’t understand. PETER: And you won’t. Not from me. I’m done.

… I do love and hate equally both meaning behind that “he got you”: as in, “he fooled you” and “his prize was you”.

Question still open as to what Elias wanted Jon to do exactly, and how he’s now planning to use it. For the second part, given his questions about Jon’s fear, I’d say it was about Jon’s experiencing The Lonely as a fear and/or getting an experience of it through first-hand experience (Jon being afraid of it, Jon picking it apart once inside of it and knowing it intimately); could still be about collecting the statement of a Lonely-worshipper, too, since Elias had been… delighted… right after Peter had decided to make it harder for Jon although his presence wasn’t part of their deal (given how Peter had been played by everyone until now… he could have been fooled about that part too. Elias did mention that “Your choice~”, and the bastard is all about rubbing your own mistakes in your face, even when he engineered everything for you to make that decision).

And now, Jon has known all the Fourteen Fears, got to “to experience them, whether first-hand or through the eyes of others” (MAG092): he has done both, completing the set of getting statements, live or written, from people serving through the sacrifices of innocents or overtaken by a Power, and experiencing direct manifestations:

* Everything about The Eye.

* The Web: Annabelle Cane’s insight into The Web (MAG147) / being controlled by A Guest For Mr. Spider (MAG080).

* The Corruption: Jane Prentiss’s being contaminated by The Hive (MAG032) / The Hive’s worms burrowing themselves into him (MAG039).

* The Spiral: Michael-The-Distortion’s statement (MAG102) / Michael’s and Helen’s corridors (MAG078, MAG079 and MAG143).

* The Desolation: Jude Perry’s statement / his hand burned to a crisp (MAG089).

* The Vast: Mike Crew’s statement / enjoy sky blue from your chair (MAG091).

* The Hunt: Daisy’s statement (MAG061), Trevor&Julia’s statement (MAG109) / hunted by Daisy (MAG091) and Julia (MAG107) (“Do I miss being chased…?”).

* The Stranger: Breekon’s “extracted” statement (MAG128) / got to learn the feeling through the Not!Them in season 2, got to “See” Nikolas (MAG119), the overall Unknowing experience.

* The End: Oliver Banks’s statement (MAG121), bonus Tova McHugh (MAG155) / the whole refusing to die and becoming something else post-explosion (MAG120, MAG121).

* The Slaughter: Melanie’s account (MAG117) (?) / Melanie’s murderous attempts in the second half of season 3 and beginning of season 4, culminating with getting stabbed at the end of MAG125.

* The Flesh: Jared Hopworth’s statement / body twisted and two ribs being taken (MAG131).

* The Buried: Hezekiah Wakely’s statement (MAG152) / going into the coffin and learning what is Too-Close-I-Cannot-Breathe (MAG132).

* The Dark: Manuela Dominguez’s written (MAG135) and live (MAG143) statements / killing the Dark Sun by sight (MAG143).

* The Lonely: Peter Lukas’s statement / going into The Lonely (MAG159).

=> idk if it was misleading, or if yeah, completing the set was the point all along, but if the latter: I hope that Elias minimising The Extinction and not initially factoring it in could bite him in the arse (MAG138: “In my case, while Peter has talked of it before, it is only very recently that I’ve been forced to admit The Extinction is real.”)

Other actors who could do something in MAG160:

* Helen, who’s probably been eating popcorn and enjoying the chaos but… could still do something else to make things a bit worse.

* Annabelle: we know that she has plans for Jon and needed him alive for something (MAG147: “I’ve simply been… watching. I’m sure you understand that. Maybe I’ve occasionally been nudging something here and there to keep you safe, to keep everything on track.” + Oliver went to push Jon to wake up at the request of someone from The Web), and we still don’t know what that is… She could be collaborating with Elias, or she could be planning to stab him last moment, I guess?

* Baaaaaaaaasiiiiiiraaaa: she had left the chaos by the end of MAG158, I don’t think she has many other options than trying to reach the Panopticon herself…? And all season has been about her getting misled and manipulated by Elias, making bad decisions and/or not managing to get any “win”… (=> on the one hand, there is still a knife in the Panopticon near Jonah’s original body and his current one; on the other hand, Basira had also been associated to her search for Annabelle Cane in this second half, insisting to go to Hill Top Road, being told by Elias to drop it, explaining to Jon that she was still trying to find her… So if anything regarding Annabelle happens, I’m kinda expecting it to be through or with Basira.)

(Oooooooorrrr… plain timeskip and we don’t know what happened exactly / only get glimpses and clues thanks to MAG160? MAG158’s summary felt a bit more canon/relevant than usual: “#0182509-A – Original recording of events leading to the disappearances of Jonathan Sims, Martin Blackwood, Alice Tonner and Peter Lukas.” and we got a B-side with MAG159. That leaves Basira and Elias as people who aren’t perceived as having ~disappeared~ by the time of that summary, so… either dead, or in plain sight.)

MAG160’s title is [REDACTED] and that’s a 16th Fear on its own. Idk. Straightforward “Watcher’s Crown”, terrible Eye Pun, “Anniversary”, “Mr Blackwood-Sims”, surprise!Web title (“Mother”)?? I have no idea, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrg ;; (I wanna hope for a kinda soft, bittersweet ending for this season, allowing us to breathe a bit and enjoy the hiatus before everything ends terribly in season 5? But realistically: it’s prob Watcher’s Crown Time or Extinction emergence time or Web hijacking time and we’ll spend the next months in agony and dread and worry and mourning, uh.)

(Had a dream last night that the episode was delayed and released when I was on my way to get another friend back to my home, so I only came home to witness the early chaos of Aza and other people listening: title was “If I stay long enough to live” (???), and it was mostly dealing with Tessa Winters and Extinction (???). Fun times

[neriad13]

The Dororo manga is something that has been very dear to me for a long time. The entire time I was watching the anime, I was mentally weighing it against the manga, trying to decide on which one I thought was better. For the most part, it was a pretty even competition...but then an inciting event happened which significantly tipped me in favor of one over the other. But first, a comparison!

Plot Arcs

 - Bandai: There’s a bit more intrigue in the manga, but on the whole, I think it’s about even here. Bandai’s monster form is freaking beautiful in both of them.

 - The Cursed Sword: The anime wins, by a nose. The mood, the tension, the symbolism, the much more obvious love of Tanosuke for his sister - I think this is one of the best put together episodes in the series. 

However, what it was missing from the manga was Dororo’s anger at the world in general and the reason that he wanted a sword so bad. Anime Dororo picks it up by accident, isn’t following Hyakki around to steal one of his swords to begin with and isn’t a person who gets terribly angry. It’s more of a matter of differently written characters.

Would I have liked to see Anime Dororo get angry though? ...maybe. But that wasn’t what the episode was about.

 - Mio: Point goes to the anime. I love how Mio’s story is expanded and how much more personality she’s given. Hyakki’s rampage is my favorite bit of animation in the entire show. 

It’s also interesting how the placement of Mio’s arc affects what Hyakki’s character is like too. In the manga, by the time he’s telling the story as a flashback, he’s world-weary and his heart has turned to ice. In the anime, his heartbreak is fresh.

 - Dororo’s Backstory: Point to the manga by a wide margin. Dororo’s parents are much less complex and interesting in the anime and the whole episode felt a bit rushed. Of course, that’s a lot of backstory to fit in one episode though.

 - Banmon: Hmmmmm. This arc serves a much different thematic purpose in the anime, though it (somewhat) follows the events of the manga. 

On one hand, the sequence in which Tahoumaru dies is one of my favorite in comics, period. It feels so dreamlike and disconnected from reality and in a manga which doesn’t shy away from showing fountains of blood, it’s shocking in that it doesn’t show a drop. 

On the other hand, OH MY GOD Nui’s near-suicide was heartbreaking, the fact that they gave a backstory for Tahoumaru’s eye was phenomenal and I was utterly shocked and elated that Sukeroku actually found his family.

It’s a draw.

 - Fair Fudo - The anime. The fact that I’m having a hard time remembering how it went down in the manga says it all. Also having Dororo be the one to rescue Hyakkimaru this time was an excellent decision.

 - Sabame: Oh my god, the manga. Bad. Bad anime.

 - Shiranui: Gonna go with the manga here. I am forever salty that the anime left out the “I’m a boy” line.

However, the anime also gets half a point for ACTUALLY PUTTING TREASURE IN THE TREASURE HOARD and not rendering that entire storyline pointless. -.-

 - Nue: There’s not really a point of comparison here. It’s the same monster transplanted in a totally different storyline. But, with that said...

Do I give a single shit about Manga Nue?

Nope.

Do I give a shit about Anime Nue?

Yes.

 - Midoro: Hmm. Another toss-up.

I found Midoro’s death in the manga much more affecting. The image of a dying horse, riddled with arrows, spending her last moments wandering among the fallen - that says something more about the grimness of war and the innocents caught in the middle of it than turning her into a horse bomb ever could.

However...I was so freaking THRILLED that Hyakkimaru got to ride her in the anime. My desktop’s background still contains a screenshot from the episode 22 preview of him doing that. Their stories are not so different and in this adaptation, it felt so eerily natural for them to end up together. Their partnership was utterly horrifying and glorious to watch.

Characters

 - Hyakkimaru: There’s a lot to unpack here. The differences between characterizations are like night and day. So, I’ll start by taking you on a journey.

I loved Manga Hyakki’s snark. I loved his aloofness, his sarcasm, his arsenal of ridiculous weapons, his terror at the thought of having a mother who abandoned him, his rage at the thought of other children being abandoned, the way he hated the fox for telling him who Tahoumaru was more than he hated himself for killing him. 

Watching the first few episodes of the anime was kind of difficult for me. It felt like the snark had been surgically removed and thus, was not there to lighten up the intense drama of the rest of the story. 

But, as time went on and I got to see more of who Anime Hyakki was, he grew on me like nothing else. The stark contrast between his gentleness and his seething hatred of all beings who would take advantage of another, human or demonic. His insistent desire to be heard, to be listened to, even if he has to scream to get the point across. His unshakable resolve in the face of an entire world against him. The fact that his disability is something that actually limits him - that he can’t read minds or use telepathy and that learning to speak is something that takes the entire runtime of the show to accomplish - that is compelling. And so amazingly refreshing.

This one’s a draw.

 - Dororo: The World’s Greatest Thief really doesn’t do a whole lot of thieving in this anime (once. literally once. offscreen. unless you count the attempted theft of Hyakki’s reforged swords). But then again, Dororo is also a way different character in this adaptation.

In the manga, he’s much more of a little snot. He’s furious with the world and constantly looking for ways to get back at it. He travels with Hyakki because he wants to steal from him. He’s not welcome in some villages because he’s such an awful kleptomaniac of a child. I do not have trouble believing that this Dororo has a demon in him that Hyakki has to kill if he wants his arm back.

Anime Dororo...is the complete opposite of that. He’s the kindest, most loving character in the entire show. He looks at a horrible world and doesn’t shake his fist at the sky - he tries his damnedest to make it better. 

Both characterizations have their high points and their low ones. Manga Dororo is an entertaining little monster. Anime Dororo is an angel and the prevailing voice of reason. I think it would have been pretty interesting to end up with a character somewhere in between those two extremes, but, alas.

Manga Dororo’s arc is about taking responsibility and figuring out how to be someone better.

Anime Dororo’s arc is about raising someone else up to be better.

Also calling this one a draw.

 - Tahoumaru: THE ANIME, by a mile. Or more. Way more! It’s not even a question. His depth and complexity, his compassion and anger, his deep love for his land, his people and his friends - HOT DAMN IS THIS A WELL WRITTEN CHARACTER. Manga Tahoumaru looks like a missed opportunity compared to him.

 - Jukai: I wasn’t terribly fond of Anime Jukai at first. My first thought upon seeing the Jukai-centered episode was “Jukai’s an asshole =(”

Like, Jesus Christ, please give him a leg. He limped so far looking for you.

But, over time, I came to understand him better. He is a character in stasis, one who has “given up all power”, responsibility and desire. If he does nothing, if he devotes his life to pointless pursuits for those who can no longer benefit from them, then he can hurt no one. 

Anime Jukai is one of my favorite characters now. The kind, fatherly figure of the manga who was delighted to know that Hyakki loves him has his place, but the point goes to the anime here.

 - Nui no Kata: ANIME. Another character whose role was fantastically expanded, to great affect. Her story feels like the chapter that was left out of the manga.

 - Saburota: Anime Saburota is Saburota in name only. Can’t really compare here.

 - Daigo: To be honest, I don’t find either version of Daigo to be particularly compelling. He’s more important as a plot device than as a person. It’s a draw...unless Daigo’s ending from the stage play makes it to the anime, at which point Anime Daigo would win. 

Stage Play Daigo gave me chills, man.

 - Biwamaru: Our resident cryptic shit and spirit guide might be the only character who made the transition unchanged. He’s exactly like his manga self personality-wise and is the only character whose design was not significantly changed.

 - Shiranui: I really like that anime Shiranui actually fed his arm to the sharks! It’s like he took Manga Shiranui’s desire to be eaten by them and actually acted on it. Anime wins.

 - Itachi: Manga all the way. His sole redeeming features were that he felt badly for stripping Dororo and how he subsequently chose to respect his gender identity. Lacking those features...he’s a much less sympathetic and interesting character. He also went down screaming battle cries at the samurai who were attacking him and defending Dororo. 

Overarching Themes

 - Manga: I believe that the overarching theme of the manga is that of otherness and how the world reacts to it. The hardest hitting scenes for me are the ones in which Hyakki and Dororo are thrown out of a village they saved by villagers unable to understand that they’re just as human as them. Hyakkimaru doesn’t struggle to regain his body because it’d be better than a prosthetic one (acid gun leg! c’mon! the heck would you need a flesh one for?? if it gets shot you can just build another) - he does it because he wants to be seen as human, however long he has to fight to do it. 

 - Anime: Individual vs. collective responsibility. Anime Hyakki actually suffered long term harm because of the demon deal. His prostheses and abilities have considerably more limits. He wants to regain his body because he wants to live and experience all the things he’s been missing. But...in this case there’s a cost. The fact that his actions directly cause calamities in Daigo - that’s a fantastic choice that makes the story bigger than just one person fighting to be human. As much as I love the manga and its themes, I think the anime’s central conflict is slightly more compelling.

The Tipping Point

It was this scene specifically.

The desperation, the futility, the love so strong it destroys - these aren’t things that happen in the manga. 

Manga Hyakki is constantly trying to get rid of Dororo, belittling him, forcibly reading his mind and fighting over something stupid more often than not. He cares about him, in his way, but would his heart crack in two if Dororo died and there was no way he could have prevented it? Probably. For a bit, anyway. Then it would harden again and he’d go back to doing what he was doing without Dororo. 

Their bond in the anime is something else. It is the beating heart of the entire story. It’s the reason why Hyakki is so desperate to get his final pieces back. He wants to be able to save Dororo with hands that can lift a rock. He wants to see the fall colors with him. 

Episode 20 was the one that pushed me over the edge into finding the anime superior to the manga...which is an amazing accomplishment, considering how dear the manga has been to me for so long. 

I cannot believe how excited I am for the final episode.