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sporco-filth · 26 days

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Episode 2 - The Crush

I feel like the early episodes are a bit slow since I'm mostly just getting the characters introduced and settled.

Also this is very Kevin-focused and so probably is less slobby than some. It has its moments though.

[The scene is Abbot’s. Felix is sitting at a table. Kevin approaches him.]

Felix: Morning!

Kevin: Good morning to you too. Welcome to Abbot’s, what can I get you?

Felix: I’ll have two poached eggs, the maple bacon, a hash brown, baked beans, sausage, sauce on the side, all on two slices of sourdough toast.

[Kevin writes it all down as quickly as he can.]

Kevin: Just to double check: two poached eggs, bacon hash brown, beans, sausage and two slices of toast?

Felix: And the sauce on the side.

Kevin: Oh, yeah, sorry!

[He writes it down.]

Felix: You know, I haven’t seen you around here before. You’re new, right?

Kevin: I am. Today’s actually my first day.

Felix: Ah! I’m sorry for giving you such a tough order on your first day.

Kevin: It’s no problem. I’ve got to get used to this sort of thing at some point, right?

Felix: I’m Felix, by the way. I’m a bit of a regular here.

[Felix has started scratching his arse.]

Kevin: I’m Kevin. I better get your order to the kitchen, but it’s been a pleasure to meet you.

Felix: Pleasure to meet you too!

[He holds out his hand, the one that seconds ago was down the back of his pants. Kevin looks at it and a wave of emotions washes over him. He blushes and squawks something barely comprehensible along the lines of ‘I-have-to-go-busy!’ and he dashes off. Felix puts down his outstretched hand and sniffs it before sticking it back down his pants.]

Felix: He seems friendly.

~Opening Credits~

[At Abbott’s, it’s crowded and Kevin is rushing about taking orders. He gets to the kitchen.]

Kevin: Poached eggs for table 13, and table 8 wants two serves of French toast and a serve of the eggs benedict and―

[All of a sudden, a pipe bursts. Water sprays everywhere and Kevin is soaked as he tries to stem the flow to no avail. Customers start screaming. When all hope seems lost, a voice is heard.]

Felix: Step aside! I’m a plumber!

[Felix, carrying a toolkit, steps behind the counter and into the kitchen. He gets down under the sink and sets to work. Soon the water stops spraying and eventually he rises up and stands back, admiring his handiwork.]

Felix: Yep, that’ll do the trick.

Kevin: Thank you! Thank you!

Felix: It’s my job.

Kevin: I need to pay you.

Felix: Please, no, it was nothing and I’m glad to help you.

[He checks his watch.]

Felix: I better head off.

[He counts out some cash, pays for his meal and then heads out. Kevin just watches him go, admiringly.]

[At Kevin’s house. Everything is immaculate to the point it feels clinical. He neatly puts away his work things and lies down on his perfectly made bed. He stares up at the ceiling.]

Kevin (voiceover): That Felix is so sweet… I mean, I really ought to return the favour after the way he helped me today… Maybe I should make him some biscuits or something… I don’t think I have any sugar though…

[The next day, Felix arrives at Abbott’s. Kevin calls out to him.]

Kevin: Felix! Good morning!

Felix: Hey, Kevin! What’s up?

[He walks over to the counter. Kevin pulls out a box from under the counter.]

Kevin: I know you said it was nothing, but I had to give you something for what you did yesterday.

[Felix looks at the box. It is pure white with a red, satin ribbon.]

Felix: For me? Wow!

[He picks it up, his fingers leaving dirty marks all over it. He rips off the ribbon, totally ignoring the effort put into the presentation. He tosses the lid off and sees inside are rows of macarons, each looking absolutely perfect.]

Felix: Wooow… macaroons!

Kevin: Macarons.

[Felix doesn’t hear this. He sticks his hand in and grabs five at once, stuffing them into his gob. He munches down on them.]

Felix (mouth full): Theesh are delithush!

[Bits of macaron and spit land on Kevin’s face. He gently flicks it away. Felix swallows and burps.]

Felix: Where d’you get these?

Kevin: I made them myself.

Felix: No way! You’re amazing!

[He grabs another handful.]

Felix: I gotta thow theesh to Fed, he’d freak!

[Kevin blushes.]

Felix: Thank you so much! You are my favourite waiter, Kevin!

Kevin: Aw, well…

[He realises he’s acting unprofessional and stands up straight, clearing his throat.]

Kevin: Would you like me to get you a table?

Felix: Yeah! Thanks! These macaroons are great but I need something a little more filling!

[We get a montage showing several days of Kevin glancing over at Felix, messing things up because he’s distracted. One day, Kevin is holding an empty plate and just staring at Felix.]

Co-worker: Kevin! I’ve been calling you for ages. I need you to… wait, what are you staring at?

Kevin: Nothing! I mean, nothing! I mean what did you need me to do sorry!

Co-worker: Were you checking out that guy in the booth?

Kevin: What? No! What booth? Who?

Co-worker: You know, I’ve noticed there’s a time each day when your productivity slips, and thinking about it, it seems to always line up with whenever he’s here.

Kevin: That’s just a coincidence! I mean, I mean—I don’t—I mean…

Co-worker: It makes sense now: you like him, eh?

Kevin: I… sigh… I guess I’m not good at hiding it huh?

Co-worker: No, you’re blushing as red as anything. Heh, I don’t believe it: you’ve got a crush on the pig!

Kevin: He’s not a pig. He’s kinda cute.

Co-worker: Look at him!

[The scene cuts to show Felix at his table, digging around in his nose. He pulls out a piece of snot, admires his handiwork and eats it.]

Co-worker: He literally just ate his own snot. He’s disgusting!

Kevin: OK, so he has gross habits, but he’s a friendly guy.

Co-worker: Sure, but could you imagine living with someone like that? Like, surely it’d get on your nerves? And I’ve seen you, you wash your hands after touching your phone.

Kevin: Phones are rife with bacteria you know!

Co-worker: Exactly! You’re a neat freak, he’s a slob. It’d never work.

[Kevin looks at Felix downheartedly. Felix sees him looking and waves.]

Co-worker: Not to add to your woes, but I still need you to go restock the serviettes.

Kevin: Oh! Yes, of course, right away.

[Kevin’s house. He puts his work things away exactly like last time, like clockwork. He prepares himself dinner, precisely and methodically, and eats dinner. He thinks to himself.]

Kevin (voiceover): I guess I do have a crush on Felix… I mean, I always feel a burst of joy when I see him, and I get so flustered talking to him…

[He finishes eating and washes the dishes.]

Kevin (voiceover): But could I love him?

[He looks at the sparkling clean plate in his hand and then at the rest of his spotless house.]

Kevin (voiceover): I don’t think I could manage to live with a slob… but it wouldn’t hurt to try… I mean, it might break my heart but ‘better to have loved and lost’, right? I guess I just need to find a way to tell him…

[Kevin approaches Felix as he’s eating.]

Kevin: How’s the meal, Felix?

Felix (mouth full): Perfect, as always.

Kevin: Have you heard about the new film out―

[Felix swallows while Kevin talks, his stomach grumbles and he belches loudly into Kevin’s face, interrupting him and leaving him stunned.]

Felix: PHWOAH! That was a good one! Kyle should’ve been here to hear that!

[He chuckles and notices Kevin has stopped talking.]

Felix: Oh, sorry, heh… you were saying something?

[Kevin’s mind is melted and he stutters something about films and just says yeah and walks off staring into the middle distance. Felix watches him go, bemused but just shrugs it off.]

[Kevin gives Felix his food. When he puts the plate down, we see ‘call me’ and a phone number written in sauce. Felix doesn’t even see it as he inhales the food.]

[Felix is at the counter drinking a milkshake. Kevin is wiping down the benchtop.]

Kevin: So, Felix… are you seeing anyone?

Felix: I mean, I see a bunch of people.

[He motions around.]

Kevin: No, I mean, are you, like…going out with anyone?

Felix: Heh, I wish.

[Kevin brightens.]

Felix: But it’s impossible to get some of my friends out of the house.

[Kevin’s shoulders sag and he sighs.]

Kevin: Sorry, I’m trying to ask… are… are you single?

[He’s embarrassed, but Felix laughs.]

Felix: Ah, nah, I’m not dating anyone. Why? Are you trying to play matchmaker?

[Kevin is immediately flustered and defensive.]

Kevin: What! No! I-I mean, well I…

[Felix pats him on the back.]

Felix: I’m kidding. But if you do know anyone who’s into me, don’t be afraid to let me know.

[He finishes his drink and gets up.]

Felix: See you around!

Kevin: Uh… bye…

[Felix walks off, Kevin sadly watches him go and turns away from the camera. We see Felix has left a dirty handprint on Kevin’s pristine white shirt. He slumps down and sighs.]

[Back at Kevin’s apartment. Still dressed for work, he sits down on his bed, head in hands. He looks into the mirror across from the bed and talks to himself.]

Kevin: What am I doing… I need to be direct, I need to say how I feel or I’ll keep coming back like this every night…

[He sighs and gets up.]

Kevin: Who am I kidding… I’ll never tell him…

[He undresses and takes off his shirt. Holding it in his hands he sees the handprint. Tentatively he puts it up to his face and almost brushes it against his lips but pulls it away at the last minute. He throws it to the side and flops onto the bed.]

Kevin (muffled by the pillow): What’s wrong with me? I’m a freak…

[Kyle and Felix arrive at the cafe.]

Kyle: I was talking with Kevin and he’s got big plans for the Grand Final if the Pies make it. He asked me to ask you if you’re coming.

Felix: Yeah, sounds cool! Is he inviting Amy?

[They sit at their table. Kyle rolls his head back and sighs.]

Kyle: We have to, don’t we?

Felix: Oh! What if it’s Carlton v Collingwood?

Kyle: Don’t you fucking joke about that! You know how those two get! It’ll be a warzone…

[Kevin arrives with the menus.]

Kevin: Good afternoon, welcome to Abbot’s.

Kyle: Ta.

Felix: Thanks.

[They take the menus.]

Kevin: Let me guess…

[He points at Felix with his pen.]

Kevin: Two poached eggs, maple bacon, hash brown, baked beans, sausage ― sauce on the side ― and two slices of sourdough toast?

Felix: Exactly right. Your memory must be amazing!

[Kyle looks over his menu at the two of them.]

Kevin: Oh, no, I mean… it’s not like I can memorise everyone’s orders. I can only do it for special customers — I-I mean certain customers, you know, like our regulars, yeah…

[He gets flustered and takes away their menus.]

Anyway, I’ll put your order in and leave you two be.

Kyle: Wait, I haven’t…

[Kevin has already hurried off.]

Felix: He forgot to take your order. Want me to call him back?

Kyle: Don’t worry, he clearly has bigger things on his mind.

Felix: Like what?

[Kyle gives him a raised eyebrow look. Felix is still confused.]

Kyle: You couldn’t tell? He’s got the hots for you.

Felix: Me?

Kyle: Yeah, you. I haven’t seen someone as lovestruck since I first met Fed.

Felix: How did you meet Fed? You’ve never told me.

Kyle: Don’t get off topic. We’re talking about your love life now. So…?

Felix: So…?

Kyle: So, do you think he’s fuckable?

Felix: Why do you always have to be so crude?

Kyle: Answer the question, Felix.

Felix: I guess… I mean yeah, he’s pretty cute.

Kyle: Cute-cute or hot-cute?

Felix: I guess hot-cute?

Kyle: Hmm…

Felix: What?

Kyle: Nothing. I think he’s pretty hot too.

Felix: I said cute.

Kyle: You said hot-cute.

Felix: Because you put me on the spot! And anyway, you’ve already got a boyfriend!

Kyle: Doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a cute bum when I see one.

Felix: I thought you said he was hot?

Kyle: He is hot, overall, but his bum’s cute. Like you said, he’s hot-cute.

[Felix is about to speak but Kyle stops him.]

Kyle: Shoosh! Cute Bum’s coming back.

[Kevin returns with Felix’s order.]

Kevin: All right, here we are.

[He places the plates down and then realises he hasn’t got anything for Kyle.]

Kevin: Oh! I’m so sorry, I totally forgot to take your order!

Kyle: No stress. I’m sure I’d be distracted by this cutie too if I were you.

Kevin: Ha, yeah… Huh?

[Kevin looks confused at Felix who’s looking miffed at Kyle. Kevin also looks at Kyle who takes Felix’s drink and downs it.]

Kevin: Kyle…

Kyle: Belch! Ah…

[He puts the drink down and stands up.]

Kyle: Thanks for the drink. I’ll see you later Felix.

[He goes out and Kevin and Felix are left awkwardly staring at each other.]

Felix: Kyle can be a bit—

Kevin: I-kinda-have-a-crush-on-you.

[Felix is speechless.]

Kevin: I’m sorry! If you don’t feel the same, that's fine, but I guess you must’ve already known, if what your friend said is any indication.

Felix: No, no that’s OK. Don’t feel bad. And actually, I didn’t know until he told me.

Kevin: Really? If I’m honest, I’ve been trying to tell you for a while, but, you know…

Felix: What?

Kevin: It’s embarrassing…

Felix: Why?

Kevin: Putting yourself out there and all. Thinking what the other person will say, wondering if they’ll think, I don’t know, like differently about you if you do tell.

Felix: I never really worry too much about what other people think.

Kevin: Perhaps I could stand to learn a lesson or two from you.

[They stand there sweetly but also awkwardly. Kevin then realises something with a start.]

Kevin: Wait, you never said if you felt the same. Not that you need to say anything! I mean—

Felix: Sure!

Kevin: Wait really?

Felix: Yeah! I mean, you’re good-looking and you’re always very friendly whenever I come here. Like how you always give me free seconds of pie.

Kevin: I hoped you’d notice that.

Felix: Of course I did. I might not be the most perceptive but when it comes to food I don’t forget. I’m sorry I didn’t put two and two together earlier.

Kevin: That’s OK. You know now and that’s the main thing.

[Kevin’s co-worker walks past, laden with plates.]

Co-worker: Hey Kevin! Enough flirting with the customers. Table five’s been waiting for you to pick up their orders.

Kevin: Ah! I’m sorry! Sorry Felix, I’ve got to go!

[He begins to go.]

Felix: Wait! Kevin!

[Kevin turns back.]

Felix: When’s your shift finish?

Kevin: At four.

Felix: I’ll meet you out the front of Abbot’s then, alright?

Kevin: Are you asking me out on a date?

Felix: I guess, yeah.