#comedy story

[xxenbypunkxx]

The phone rings just as I put down the pipe and exhale the last hit from the bowl i just packed. *Wireless caller* used to make me nervous but since i’m waiting for a call from planned parenthood i get excited and answer immediately.

“hi” the caller says. it sounds a little unprofessional, but i guess i appreciate the nonchalance.

“hello.” i answer quite professionally and a little excitedly. i need to get an sti check before i can fuck this twunk who wants me carnally. And i want to fuck him cause he’s letting me try whatever i want.

“heeey” the caller repeats, and immediately i know exactly who it is. my last ex. “the crazy ex.” his voice pierced my ears and ran through my blood like a virus. my eyes begin to roll in the back of my head. ‘god i fucking hate this dude, idk why i still talk to him.’

“hi david.” its never a pleasure getting a call from this guy. he talks to me on the phone the exact same way he did when we were f*cking. i thought it was kind of cute then, but now it feels oddly invasive. he plays the small talk game with me and i fail horribly with my line “i’m actually extremely crossed at the moment.”

“you what? it’s 5:30?” i could tell it was a question from confusion, and not from judgement. i mean he better not judge me, I’ve got a lot of dirt on that fucker.

“so i have something to tell you.” abruptly ending whatever train of thought i was riding. “remember how i told you about my ex girlfriend?” how could i forget, it was the last time we talked. she told him she got an sti that he didn’t have. then a few hours later he called me, for some fucking reason.

David and i dated very briefly about 2 years ago, a few months after my parents kicked me out for not being a straight conservative woman. then decided he was going to pop back into my life about 6 months ago.

“we’re back together.”

“what”

“yeah, she was a virgin before me and didn’t realize that mouth herpes isn’t really an sti”

“what the fuck? okay, good for you.” i will never ever get back with this man, but he is coming to town this weekend and we planned on going to a rave together. I was fully going to allow myself to make bad decisions cause he does have a pretty big d*ck and he knows how to use it.

“ yeah so i really called to let you know she’s coming down with me this weekend, and if it’s cool with you i want to bring her to the rave.” cool with me. i’m super glad that he didn’t get cheated on, that shit sucks. i also know he is in love with another one of his ex’s so idk how much longer this one will last.

“yeah sure you can bring her! i’d love to meet her.” i don’t want him to bring her and i definitely would not love to meet her. girl def has a screw lose or something if she still wants to be with him. im prob gonna cancel since i was already losing interest in going to the rave anyways.

i really wish it the phone call was planned parenthood

[flintworth]

HEY, I just posted a new story video!

[gothamite-rambler]

Flashback: Jason Todd when he discovered one of the trainers the Al Ghul's got for him was a child trafficker

*based off a story from the book

Jason (shocked): They… were just children.

His trainer (indifferent): Don't be so dramatic; it was necessary.

Jason (seething with rage): They were just children… and you were trafficking them.

His trainer (indignant): I did what was necessary—

Jason (raising his voice, gripping a knife): THEY WERE JUST CHILDREN, AND YOU TRAFFICKED THEM!

-----------------------------------

Jason (finishing the story): And then I murdered him in cold blood. It was fun… I think I felt true euphoria that day. Oh, and I let the kids go.

Bruce (too stunned and upset to speak): …

Dick (whispering, impressed): Resist the urge to clap.

Tim (horrified): Holy crap, did you have to detail it like that?

Jason: It's not a good story if I leave out the important parts. Like the time I recounted how I beat you up and won, I had to include the part where I stabbed your hand.

Tim (exasperated): You didn't have to and you didn’t win that! You cuffed me to a chimney at the last minute and ran off! I forgive you though, but I won that fight!

Jason (coolly): Seems like a win on my side to me. Anyway, Ra's kept assigning me trainers who were pedophiles, murderers, drug dealer; people I wouldn't let a child around. They all kept rationalizing their crimes, and somehow they kept running into my knife, or getting in the path of my gun, or “accidentally” falling off a bridge. That’s all I’ll say about that.

Tim rolled his eyes, relieved that Jason hadn’t explicitly detailed those killings. Damian and Stephanie, however, had the opposite reaction and stood up, applauding.

Cass (with a blank expression): Jason?

Jason (worried): Yes?

Cass (nodding approvingly): I’ll allow it.

Jason (smiling): Thanks!

Duke: Can somebody pass the cranberry sauce? Also, can I go next? I can top Jason's story! Let’s just say I didn’t buy that katana; nah, I earned that!

Bruce sighed, covering his eyes in frustration.

Bruce: This is the weirdest fucking Thanksgiving, but at least it hasn't gotten worse—

Alfred (making it worse): Talia and Ra's are here.

Damian (pleasantly surprised): Oh, they actually showed up!

Bruce slammed his head on the table.

Dick: That means "God… Damn it!"

masterlist

[phoenixknight777]

Awakening (or how Charlie the dog joined a terrorist organization and bombed a house)

This was my first attempt at dark comedy. I think I did okay. It could be better but it could be much worse. Yes, the story is exactly as ridiculous as the title.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charlie’s first thoughts were “Why am I eating this?”

He had been eating a piece of plastic, (It smelled vaguely of ham), when a shock hit his brain. Suddenly, he could think!

“Greetings Charlie.” came a voice inside his skull.

“Who’s that?” he said, suddenly alert, but seeing or smelling anyone.

“My name is Dr. Morthestaz. It is because of me that you now have a mind!”

“Morthestaz? That sounds Drusselsteinian.”

“It’s not, but clearly the awakening worked very well. You’re already tapping into information from before you gained conscience.”

“Yes, now quit bothering me. I want to chew on this.”

“I can’t do that Charlie. You see, I work for the Fanatical Allegiance of Random Terrorists, and I have orders for you.”

“What kind of orders? That sounds hard.”

“It's nothing difficult. Just do as I tell you.”

“Ok. That's fair. You did give me a mind after all.

“Yes. Now, go outside. Your window is open.”

“So it is. Ok.”

“Now, do you see the house across the street? Get into its backyard.”

“But I was always told not to bother the neighbors…”

“Just do it. It's ok.”

“Ok…”

Charlie leaped the fence with ease, being the large greyhound he was.

“There is a package by the back gate,” said Dr. Morthestaz. “It has our logo on it.”

“I see it!” Charlie said with a chuckle.

“What was the chuckle for?”

“It's just your acronym…”

“Oh ha ha. Of course I waste the gift of sentience on a dog with a child's sense of humor!”

“I’m sorry. What do I do with it?”

“Crawl under the house and leave it as far underneath as you can get it.”

Charlie did as he was told, relishing in the dirt. He wasn’t allowed to go outside often.

As he crawled out from under the house, the owner saw him.

“Get out ya damn crazy dog!” he yelled, grabbing a shovel. Charlie dashed over the fence, quickly making his escape.

“Anything more?”

“Now just wait. Someone will pick you up soon. Until then, there’s a nice bone waiting for you.”

“OOH!! But what about my family…”

“Who else do you think gave you the awakening treatment?”

“Oh. OK!”

“Just go wait inside the house.”

Charlie waited, chewing gleefully on his reward. An hour later, he heard a deafening boom.

“What was that!?!?” the startled greyhound yelled mentally.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“But what WAS that?”

“Your package. I hope you liked it. We have plenty more for you to deliver.”

Charlie looked out the window and saw what was left of the house. Nothing but a fiery inferno of collapsing timber.

Suddenly, the back door opened. 

“Charlie.” the doctor said. “It’s time to go.”

“No, I don’t want to do that any more.”

“I’m afraid you misunderstand Charlie. If you don’t do as I say, your family meets the same fate as the one across the street.”

A man beckoned from the doorway. 

“No. I don’t want to.”

“Charlie, you WILL do as I say, or your family dies. Is that clear?”

Charlie stood, shocked. Then he slowly walked out the back door. There was a van in the alleyway. Charlie reluctantly stepped in.

“Good boy. Welcome to your new life with the Fanatical Allegiance of Random Terrorists, Charlie.”

[sboochi]

"So are Internet Celebrities Night Fury and Jack Frost dating or not??"

I'm a little obsessed with this Youtubers AU......

[dailyflicks]

A CINDERELLA STORY (2004) dir. Mark Rosman

[applejuicewerewolf]

Episode 5: Yeah this is the obligatory mean girl love rival.

Episode 6: Haha watch her misunderstand things and be a hinderance to our main protagonists. She literally thinks she's chosen by a higher power! #quirky

Episode 7: She died. They've been parkouring her corpse around the whole time. Nothing our heroes did could have saved her. She died and got revived by the spirit of a sex worker who already gave her life for her daughter once.

[erabu-san]

Happy Halloween !

Grand-mother was kidnapped by a silver were-wolf ! For the sake of saving her, Red Riding Hood will become a monster hunter with the help of a mysterious fungus witch... will they be able to find Grand-Mother in time ?

[aethersea]

I do think Blazing Saddles handled its one depiction of native americans very poorly, and the full extent of its representation of chinese workers on the railroad is they were literally just there. not even one single speaking line. unclear if this is worse or better than the redface.

it's fucking phenomenal at lampooning antiblack racism though. extremely blatant, extremely funny satire, which is constantly and loudly saying "racism is the philosophy of the terminally stupid at best and morally depraved at worst, and we should all be pointing and laughing at them 24/7"

plus the main character is a heroic black man who has to navigate a whole lot of bullshit but is constantly smirking at the extraordinarily stupid racists and inviting the audience into the joke. the one heroic white character is a guy who was suicidally depressed until he met the protagonist and they just instantly became buds, and he's firmly in a supporting role the whole time and happy to be there. the protagonist saves the day with the help of his black friends from the railroad, and uses the position of power he was given to uplift not only those friends, but all the railroad workers of other minorities too, in an explicit show of solidarity.

anyone saying "Blazing Saddles is racist" had better be talking about its treatment of non-black minorities. it had better not be such superficial takes as "oh but they say the n-word all the time" or "they have nazis and the kkk in there!" because goddamn if that's the full extent of your critique I very seriously suggest you read up on media analysis. there is too much going over your head, you need to learn to recognize satire.

[notafanjustpassionate]

this looks like a scene from a movie 👀

[allthingswhumpyandangsty]

if I had to see this while I literally was writing and being distracted by instagram (and now by tumblr since I am posting this instead of writing), y’all shall suffer the same fate

[salarymanwaka]

The Lost Boy, Part 1 * related AU posts (present day) : ( 1 ) ( 2 ) ( 3 )

[fuckyeahlegionm]

MY DEAD FRIEND ZOE is now available to watch from the comfort of home! So if you didn't have a chance to catch this award-winning film while it was in theaters (or you just want to watch it again) — now's your chance! AMAZON APPLE

[bl00dfroma-fairy]

me & who

[dunmeshistash]

Something I find amazing about Dungeon Meshi is how much "restraint" Ryoko Kui shows when telling this story. It's so clearly crafted to be the best story it can be.

By that I mean how she had SO MUCH world building for this story but still kept it as contained as it needed to be, it's a story about a few characters inside one dungeon, even if the world is expansive the story isn't. And even with the amount of characters she clearly loves so much she never got side tracked as I see so many other mangas get. The world is alive, other people exist fully with their own lives, but it stays true to the story that's being told in this universe.

I think it really shines through with how the world building relevant to the story is slowly shown to us in a non expository way, that's also something I see a lot, especially in movies, just stopping everything on it's tracks so they can info dump about the world to you, but in dungeon meshi its all so organic... magic is explained because some characters are ignorant, cultural differences are shown through cultural clashes, world history is implied through relevant conversation (monster facts are info-dumped to us but even that is in character) it's all really good and I don't think I could have gotten this into it if everything was just laid out in front of me right away.

This is all to say I'm glad we have the adventurer's bible and all this extra content that didn't fit into the story but I'm glad they weren't forced into it in detriment to the storytelling.

[yeah-thats-probably-it]

So did any of YOU guys know that someone wrote a reverse!AU Jeeves fanfic in 1953, and Wodehouse liked it?