#chatterer | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

misty-235 · 1 month ago

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My headcannons for the cenobites as workers in hell’s office. Enjoy.

Tw: violence, sexual humour, mentions of addiction (to solitare, non the less)

Ps. Corrupting-Pleasures came up with some of the ideas! Go check out their blog.

Leviathan- the boss of Eternal Suffering. inc

Leviathan is not a good boss. At all.

He thinks that giving his employees pizza once every two or three years will make them love their jobs more and work harder. It doesn't work, and everybody loathes him anyway.

Starts emails with “as per my previous email” and ends them with “wishing you a productive day.” In short, he’s one passive aggressive rhombus.

Inflicts meetings on people where everybody sits around and discusses loosely defined corporate stuff which doesn't make any sense, just trying to sound like they know what they're doing when they don't. Chatterer pretends to make notes (since he can’t seem to contribute anything useful he’s just made to be the scribe) but actually just draws dicks in the margins of the paper, as one does. He also occasionally nibbles the ends of pencils like some infernal beaver.

Also makes his employees do team building exercises of sorts, where they torture each other and give one another tips on how to do it better- supposedly. Of course, this never works out and just devolves into bickering and petty arguments.

He makes “customers” (those who have opened the box) fill out satisfaction surveys, complete with little smiley faces to indicate how much they’re enjoying their eternal damnation.

The Hell Priest/ Pinhead- the vice-boss

Addicted to microsoft solitaire for some mysterious reason, and plays it compulsively whenever he gets a chance. If he doesn't get his daily fix of solitaire, he seems to go into withdrawals and gets paranoid, anxious, and extremely mean.

He pretends to be very diligent and extremely hard working, when in actual fact he often just sits around not doing much of anything, which apparently counts towards his “deep thinking time,” or goes out for a smoke with Female. Other than that, he’s always reading some pretentious book in order to look clever in front of his coworkers.

Uses complicated corporate words like “synergy” to make himself appear on top of things in meetings, but actually has no clue what he’s going on about.

He’s actively scared of and avoids Angelique, the head of CR (cenobite resources,) because she’s “on his case,” whatever that means, and is always looking over his shoulder at whatever he happens to be doing. Therefore, he always has to be pretty sneaky about playing solitaire, and do it in a way that makes it look like he’s being useful.

He often berates Chatterer for not doing any work, but is actually a big fan of his, seeing him as an endearing if somewhat infuriating airhead. He often defends him from the prying eyes of CR. “He’s just special,” afterall. Sometimes he tells him his hopes and dreams- it's a bit like talking to a pet dog, in that he listens, but does not seem to comprehend anything.

Like Chatterer, he also has a favourite mug. It has “I need coffee to raise hell today” written on it above a completely unrelated image of a sleepy kitten. He’s a coffee snob, and brings his own coffee to work, instead of drinking the office’s “suboptimal” one. Inevitably, his coworkers just steal it from him. He has a separate little cup for his tea, made out of fine china. He drinks this with his little finger away from the handle, like the British aristocrat that he is.

He is very technologically inept; he uses Internet Explorer for everything, ensuring that nothing ever loads in less than ten minutes. He uses a windows XP emulator, too, because he “doesn't know how to use that new age stuff” and refuses to go on a training course.

Gives long, boring presentations about pain, smiling like a maniac the entire time- talking about the nervous system and pain receptors is his little hobby. Despite the fact that pain is very much at the center of the company ethos, nobody cares to sit through three hours or so of him talking about it, and they just sort of zone out. Not that he notices, and seemingly just hallucinates thunderous applause when he finally leaves. He also answers rhetorical questions that he asked himself at the end of the presentation, because of course nobody has any questions for him.

He brings doughnuts on Fridays, but eats all the good ones himself and leaves the rest for the underdogs. He thinks that leaving any at all makes him the greatest boss that ever lived. He might even write a book about it.

Female/ Deep Throat/ Nikoletta/ Cilice- the organiser

Enjoys making spreadsheets, and makes them all the time for everything, not just work purposes- eg. recording the number of times the printer malfunctions during the day, the volume of water in the water cooler, or the quality of the coffee on a scale or one to ten depending on the capsule used, or any number of other things. She then makes various charts of all of these things, prints them out, and hangs them on the walls of her office cubicle, along with a calendar featuring cute hellhound puppies and motivational quotes- “humans don’t flay themselves” and “remember to drink the blood of your enemies today! Stay hydrated!”

When one of the others has a deathday party (the equivalent of a birthday) she gives them a graph of how much they have irritated her over the course of a year as a charming little present, which never goes down all that well.

When she goes on a smoke break, instead of putting the cigarette in her mouth, she just shoves it into her throat wound so she can talk on the phone at the same time.

Mostly attempts to take meetings seriously, but has fallen asleep before midway through one, despite pretending to be fully awake by opening her eyes comically wide and propping her head up on her hands.

Unfortunately, she is not allowed to bring her raging alcoholic pet crow, Xibalbá, to work over concerns that it will make a mess and swear loudly at coworkers, despite her whining that it's an “emotional support animal.” Not until she takes him to birdoholics anonymous, anyway.

Often complains to CR about Chatterer’s various misdeeds, from breaking the microwave, to stealing food, to abusing the coffee machine, but nobody ever does anything about it, because Angelique has a long running beef with her over that one time she “accidentally” broke her favourite mug (featuring the Playboy Bunny, of course) by supposedly flinging it against the wall during an argument, after Angelique insulted her spreadsheets. Nobody insults Female’s spreadsheets. They are her children.

No fun at office parties (and mostly just sits around making spreadsheets), unless given alcohol, at which point she and Angelique temporarily forget their differences and start having a noisy make out session or, worse, trying to do a coordinated strip tease on one of the tables despite others begging them to stop.

Chatterer- the office idiot

Never gets any work done. Always gets caught lacking, because he’s too busy using the Labyrinth’s wifi to look at memes instead of shock videos for inspiration. In short, he’s pretty “work-averse,” and gets frequent talks from Leviathan.

He breaks things incessantly- from the printer to the coffee machine, everything that he touches inevitably malfunctions. Being extremely clumsy, he also accidentally spills things on the keyboard of his computer, making it a sticky, filthy mess, as he never cleans it.

Ends emails with “:D” (instead of his name) and starts them with “HEYYYYYYYYYYY,” regardless of who they are to, or what they are about, much to everybody’s annoyance.

His desk is permanently so messy it looks like a bomb just went off; the edges of his computer screen are festooned with stickers and sparkly things, and he has a few ailing houseplants here and there that have definitely seen better days. His coffee cup is never cleaned, so it has accumulated a few layers of brownish grime that would make any reasonable person feel ill.

He enjoys making paper aeroplanes, and throwing them at whoever is unfortunate enough to pass him.

Drinks coffee from the aforementioned cup constantly, and so is always wired and unable to sit still. He has also figured out how to effectively trick the vending machine into giving him free stuff, proof that he is (marginally) cleverer than first meets the eye.

Nonchalantly takes food from the freezer, none of which actually belongs to him, and makes no secret of his theft, literally complimenting people on how good their stolen food was.

Whenever there is a fly in the office, he chases it around excitedly, bumping into things, chattering and making weird shrieking noises, and if he manages to catch it, he promptly eats it.

Spams the office group chat with unfunny jokes or images of cats that he finds absolutely hilarious for some reason.

When he breaks something, the repairman has to come into the Labyrinth and fix it. He usually comes out traumatised for life.

Butterball/ Laslo- the IT guy who actually does stuff

Usually just gets on with his work quietly, keeping his food hidden to avoid it being nabbed by his irritating coworkers, and just getting on with things.

However, he tends to compile gossip that he hears, which he then shares with Female, his favourite coworker, by the water cooler. He keeps a watchful eye (metaphorically, since his eyes are sewn shut) on everything that goes down. They’re friends largely due to his appreciation for her spreadsheets.

Owns a few house plants, which overall do alright under his care, unlike Chatterer’s, including a prodigious venus fly trap, Leviathan’s favourite plant, which is an object of many rumors in the office, over whether or not it's actually real.

He’s good pals with the Engineer (who is actually the janitor) although, since one is not inclined to talk and the other physically can’t, they don’t really chat about very much.

He knows everybody’s search history, but, being largely born before the age of technology and therefore technologically illiterate, the others don’t know that he knows. However, he tends to be relatively innocuous, so he’s not inclined to use it as blackmail unless somebody really gets on his nerves.

Angelique- head of CR

She's a massive diva. She spends most of her time gossiping, writing snarky emails, shopping online, looking over The Hell Priest’s shoulder and nagging him to “OMG, just do some work already,” or fixing her makeup, and of course “being a bad bitch.”

She has a massive crush on The Priest, which is why she picks on him, and spends a disproportionate amount of time daydreaming about him.

Whenever she happens to not be bothered, she takes the day off work to instead stare at herself intently in the mirror for a while, put a thousand and one creams on herself, then spend the rest of the day languishing in her pink cheetah print bed and listening to “Emo Boy” on repeat whilst thinking about her crush.

Leviathan lets her get away with pretty much everything, seeing as she is, afterall a “literal princess, gurl.” Ergo, when she wants something, she gets it. The wire twins basically only stick around the office to bring her coffee (only matcha frappuccinos will do) and do her nails, and occasionally gossip. All together, they blow the Mean Girls out of the water with their pettiness.

Chatterer fears her- although generally to stupid to fear anything, he cowers and whimpers when she passes his office cubicle, largely because she once slapped across the face and called him a “beta male soy boy with small dick energy” when he was trying to nab her post-it notes for a “little project” he was making, though what exactly that was is unclear. He squealed and scuttled away, and hasn’t been able to look her in the eye ever since. It also gave him an existential crisis.

Shares extremely graphic stories of her sex life constantly, complete with hand gestures and “gurl, it was huge,” or “it was so musty, like eww boy!” It’s pretty horrific and enough to put somebody off shagging for the rest of their life, so her coworkers just try to subtly sidle away from her when that happens. She really knows just what to say to clear a room in under two minutes.

All her ball point pens are either encrusted with rhinestones or have pompoms on the end of them. Not that she actually uses them much.

Apart from her regular latex cenobite robes, she also has a hot pink zebra print version that she wears every once in a while. Female is secretly very envious of this.

#hellraiser #chatterer #female cenobite #butterball Cenobite #cenobite #cenobites #pinhead #headcannons

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