#closeness and emotional reliance feel like weakness to me

[knoepfl]

Bound by Grit: A Dance of Control and Care #2

Characters:

• Salo: A bitter, wheelchair-bound enforcer from Zaun, struggling with his vulnerability and defiance.

• Reader (Female): A headstrong woman from Piltover, tasked with caring for Salo, challenging his temper while asserting control in their relationship.

Trigger Warnings:

• Physical Disability & Dependency: Themes of vulnerability and reliance on others for care.

• Power Dynamics: Imbalance of control and dominance in relationships.

• Emotional Vulnerability: Struggles with pride and accepting help.

• Illness & Recovery: Depictions of sickness, physical discomfort, and care.

• Tension-Filled Interactions: Emotional conflict and strong language.

• Mild Violence: Rough handling of the wheelchair and physical discomfort.

• Manipulation of Weakness: Enjoyment of power over another's vulnerability.

Masterlist

Part 1

Words: 2225

--- The night had settled over Piltover, the city’s towering spires glowing faintly under the dim light of the crescent moon. Inside the cramped apartment, the atmosphere was thick with tension. The sounds of distant city life barely reached the apartment, but inside, the quiet was broken only by the occasional cough or the sickly sound of retching from the other room.

You sat in the chair, your back straight, arms crossed. You could hear Salo struggling. The sounds were unmistakable—guttural and harsh as he fought against his body’s weakness. The retching was enough to make the air feel heavy with discomfort.

But you didn’t move.

Salo was stubborn. He had always been. He didn’t want your help, and he'd made that clear more than once. It was just the way he was. He wouldn’t ask for assistance unless he truly needed it.

So you waited.

Another cough. Then the sickening sound of someone struggling to breathe. He wasn’t fine, and it was becoming more and more apparent with each groan. But still, you remained seated. He’d been the one to insist he didn’t need you, that he could handle things on his own. You weren’t about to backpedal just because he couldn’t handle a little sickness.

It wasn’t until the sounds of him choking—desperate and shaky—that you stood up.

Slowly, you walked toward his room, your footsteps measured and controlled. You didn’t rush. He had to ask. Had to admit that he needed you. That was the only way this would work.

You leaned against the doorway, watching him struggle to stay upright in his chair, his body rigid, face pale and drenched in sweat. His breath came in short, uneven bursts, and his hand trembled against the armrests.

“Need something?” you asked, your voice calm but with a hint of challenge in it.

His eyes flickered toward you, narrowing. His lips parted, but no words came. For a moment, he seemed to fight it, like he was going to push through it on his own, as he always did. But the next cough that racked through his body told you everything you needed to know.

He couldn’t do it alone anymore.

Finally, with a low, reluctant growl, he rasped, “Help me.”

That was all you needed to hear. No pleasantries. No apology. Just an acknowledgment of what you already knew.

You moved toward him with purpose, standing close enough to feel the heat coming off his body, but far enough to maintain that control. You didn’t rush in with sympathy or pity. You weren’t here to coddle him. You were here because he needed you, and he would listen to you.

Without asking, you grabbed the small bucket from beside his bed and placed it in front of him. He didn’t flinch or try to stop you, though you could see the frustration burning in his eyes. You could hear him trying to hold it together, to maintain that façade of indifference that had always been his armor. But the next gag was too much.

He leaned forward, his face twisting with the effort as he threw up into the bucket. The sound was raw, desperate.

You stood there, arms crossed, watching with a cold focus. You didn’t offer him a comforting hand or a kind word. You didn’t need to. Salo wasn’t your charity case. He was a man who liked control, who prided himself on never needing anyone. And you were the one who would make sure he stayed that way—even if it meant stripping some of that control away.

He leaned back after a moment, panting, his body trembling. He was weak, his pride thoroughly shattered. He looked at you, his face a mix of annoyance and… something else. Something more vulnerable.

"You didn’t have to make me wait," he muttered, still breathless from the effort.

You raised an eyebrow, unfazed. “You didn’t have to be so stubborn.”

He gave a weak scoff, though the sharp edge in his voice was gone. His body seemed to give up, slumping into the chair as if the fight had left him.

“Are you done pretending yet?” you asked, stepping closer.

His eyes narrowed, a look of defiance still lingering, but it was softened by the exhaustion. “I don’t need your help,” he muttered, but it was more for himself than for you.

You crouched in front of him, making sure the bucket was in reach. "Clearly, you do," you replied, the words deliberate. “But that’s your problem, Salo. You’re too damn proud to admit it. You’ve got enough pride to choke on it.”

He opened his mouth to retort, but the coughs hit him again, cutting him off. You didn’t wait this time, instead pushing the bucket closer to him and steadying his trembling hands with a firm grip.

“You’re sick. You can’t control everything. Not right now. Not tonight.” You kept your tone even, authoritative, giving him no room for argument. “So let me handle it.”

He glanced up at you, his eyes heavy with a mix of frustration and something else—perhaps a reluctant recognition of the reality of his situation.

You watched him for a moment, a small flicker of satisfaction curling inside you. Salo, who had always pushed you away, who had always kept his distance, was crumbling right in front of you. His walls were coming down, and though he would never admit it, he was dependent on you.

You liked it. You liked the power this gave you. Watching him struggle to hold on to whatever dignity he had left as he fought the inevitable: needing someone. Needing you. You reveled in it, though you didn’t show it. Not yet. He was far too stubborn to admit that he was just as human as anyone else.

“You’re lucky I’m here,” you said, running a hand over his damp forehead, the touch almost tender but laced with authority. “Otherwise, you’d be in worse shape.”

He didn’t respond, but his tired eyes said enough. He knew it, too.

Salo was far from helpless, but in this moment, when his strength had failed him, you had the control. And you couldn’t help but relish it.

You stood up, fixing him with one last, steady gaze. "I’m not going anywhere, Salo. You can keep pushing me away, but you know you need me. And I’ll make sure you remember it."

You watched as his eyes closed, the fight gone from them for now. He wouldn’t admit it out loud, but deep down, you knew he felt the truth of it.

And that, for now, was enough.

---

The silence in the room was heavy, save for the occasional labored breath that came from Salo. His usually proud posture slumped in his chair, and he seemed to have no fight left in him. You took a breath, your gaze settling on him as he sat there, looking every bit the stubborn man who hated his own vulnerability.

“You’re not staying there all night,” you said firmly, walking over to his wheelchair. It was half a statement, half an order. He looked up at you, his tired eyes narrowing, but there was no fire in them now—just weariness and discomfort.

He opened his mouth to protest, but the moment passed when another wave of nausea hit him, and he exhaled sharply. His hand gripped the armrest, knuckles white.

“I’ll handle this,” you said, pushing his chair away from the small side table where the bucket was still placed. His gaze flickered toward it, a fleeting trace of dignity in his eyes before it dissolved in another sharp breath.

You wheeled him toward the bed, his body slack and uncooperative, a clear sign that the fever was taking a toll. He didn’t say anything, probably too exhausted to argue, but the scowl on his face remained. You could feel the resistance in his body, in the way he stiffened when you stopped at the edge of the bed. He hated this—hated needing help, hated the way his body had betrayed him, and most of all, he hated you being so close to him in this way. But you could see the conflict in his eyes, the way his pride was at war with his physical limits.

He was uncomfortable with his weakness, but he wasn’t fighting you back. Not in the way he usually would.

“Let’s get you lying down,” you said, your voice calm, almost too calm. You tilted his wheelchair back to its tilt position and carefully maneuvered his legs to dangle over the side of the bed. His body tensed as you helped support his weight. He didn’t want it, but you weren’t asking for his approval.

The second his legs hit the bed, he tried to sit up, the movement slow and labored. “I can do it,” he grunted, but the words were strained.

You moved in, blocking his attempt to sit up further. “No, you can’t. Just lie back.”

He glanced up at you, dark eyes flashing with the remnants of defiance. His breath hitched in a way that almost sounded like a growl, but he obeyed, falling back onto the bed with a mixture of defeat and reluctance.

You grabbed a pillow and propped it behind his head, positioning it so he was comfortably resting. He didn’t make a sound as you adjusted the pillow, though you could see the muscles in his neck tighten, the tension still clinging to him like a second skin.

Salo hated being so dependent, but the fever and sickness had broken him down. Even if he wouldn’t admit it, even if his pride screamed in protest, he was in no condition to fight.

You pulled the thin, sweat-drenched shirt from his body, your fingers brushing against his skin in a way that felt more clinical than intimate. He didn’t flinch or push you away, though there was an obvious tightness around his mouth that told you he wasn’t happy about this.

“You’re burning up,” you muttered, eyeing his body. The faint sheen of sweat glistened on his chest and arms, making his usually imposing physique seem fragile. You grabbed a clean shirt from the drawer and pulled it over his head, making sure it was settled comfortably. He grumbled in protest, but you weren’t listening. This wasn’t about him feeling comfortable. This was about getting him the help he needed.

“Medicine,” you ordered, moving to the small side table where the bottle of bitter-tasting medicine was waiting.

Salo groaned as you returned with the cup. His eyes flickered with clear reluctance. “I don’t need—”

“You need it,” you interrupted smoothly, holding the cup to his lips before he could finish. “Don’t argue.”

He hesitated for only a moment before he begrudgingly swallowed the medicine, his face scrunching up at the bitter taste. “That’s disgusting,” he muttered, trying to push the cup away from his lips, but you weren’t having it. You held it steady until the last drop was gone.

“You’re going to feel better soon,” you said, standing up and walking around the bed to gather a damp cloth from the small basin you’d set aside earlier. “You’re not the only one with a stubborn streak, Salo. I’ve been dealing with this long enough.”

His lips twitched at that, a faint acknowledgment of your words, but he said nothing more. As you gently wiped the cool cloth over his forehead, his eyes shut, the discomfort in his face still apparent, but it was muted now.

You kept your focus, moving to cool his feverish skin. As you wiped his face and neck, you allowed yourself a moment to study him. The fierce, untamable Salo—the enforcer who could make anyone tremble—laying so vulnerable before you. For all his biting words and bravado, he was human. He needed someone. And right now, that someone was you.

You smirked inwardly, the power shifting in a way that only fueled the satisfaction curling in your chest. He may never admit it, but you knew. He didn’t like this weakness, didn’t like relying on you, but he couldn’t escape it. And that realization—watching him crumble just a little more each time—was something you couldn’t help but relish. It wasn’t just the control you liked. It was seeing him fall, just for a moment, out of his tough exterior. Seeing him need you.

As you finished wiping his face, you stepped back, keeping the cool mask on your face. “There. You’ll feel better soon.”

Salo didn’t say anything at first. His breathing had evened out, though the fever still had a hold on him. He simply stared at you, those dark eyes more tired now than they had been earlier.

“You’ll live,” you murmured, more to yourself than to him, the words heavy with unspoken truth. "And you’ll get used to this, Salo. Whether you like it or not."

He turned his head slightly, his expression tight, but there was nothing else to say.

You weren’t about to leave him alone, not while he needed you. Not while he still had that defiant edge, still trying to hold onto something that was slipping through his fingers.

You lingered by his side, watching over him in the dim light of the room, taking satisfaction in knowing you were the one he couldn’t shake off.

And maybe—just maybe—you’d never let him.

---

[gojoest]

SORRY FOR THE INCOMING GOJOHIME BORDERLINE RESENTMENT VENT!!

Firstly I totally agree with the fact that people can ship and make headcanons of whoever they want but shoving it constantly into your face and twisting geges storyline,character and words to be something fitting for their delusional asses is where I draw the line and hence my vent;

I hate it so much oh my god the ship is honestly sooo retarded coming from fans who force something that isn’t ever there into this “enemies to lovers relationship they have” or saying that they hatefuck in the canon setting like what????

It is explicitly mentioned in the official fanbook that Utahime hates gojo there’s literally no way around it. Proof being if you liked/loved someone or even considered them your friend you wouldn’t throw a scalding cup of tea at them, if gojo didn’t have infinity he would’ve gotten seriously injured. Also her behavior is kindaaa understandable considering gojo annoys the heck outta her and calls her weak in a profession where it’s really insulting but then again he’s not lying lol

They also have a strictly professional relationship where they MUST work and have mutual trust and reliance for their students to grow as sorcerers and put aside any resentments or beef. Yes they’ve known each other for like a decade but they also have very few interactions due to being in different locations and as a sorcerer you don’t have time for anything besides sorcery (proof being gojos tight schedule and only getting 3 hours of sleep) Theres almost no chemistry and their personalities also don’t mesh well I would rather ship her with nanami/shoko who she can tolerate being around. Gojo is more of a younger annoying sibling who bothers his older sister for shits and giggles

Also the shippers outrightly denying geges official claims of her hatred is so stupid to me like yes gojo thinks they’re joking or bantering but that can show that he’s socially awkward and doesn’t acknowledge social cues and how to interact (due to his upbringing ) and saying that they’re married behind closed doors and etc is so inane to me like what????

Also he annoys most stoic ppl; Nanami, megumi and utahime. Not just her, she just shows emotions while others don’t which keeps him going to draw reactions from someone so stoic and uptight. Also she’s not a tsundere, she just genuinely hates him

Overall gojo doesn’t really gaf about weak sorcerers or her especially since they’re only coworkers at the end of the day who must work in the same field together to ensure their students grow and surpass them. End of discussion and there’s no way around it

Hoping this doesn’t bother you, needed to get it off my chest lol

thank you for sharing your thoughts with me! i must admit that i mostly agree with you, gojohime ship makes no sense to me whatsoever and i’ve talked about this before. like you said the only vibe they give off is that of quarreling siblings AHAHAH when gege said that she hates him i didn’t interpret “hate” in the literal sense of the word, i don’t think she harbors malicious feelings towards him but more like having very low tolerance for his antics and personality in general like she truly can’t stand him bc he is quite annoying and arrogant which is understandable if we also add the constant mocking on satoru’s end, but at the same time she trusts and relies on him on a professional level, and she is cooperative with his requests when there is danger imposing. i think satoru trusts her too, after all if he didn’t he wouldn’t have discussed the plausibility of a mole with her and asked her to investigate (which she did). but that’s all, there’s not even a tiny hint of romance there but what do i know. which doesn’t mean ppl can’t ship characters that aren’t romantically compatible in canon, ofc they can! but there are healthy ways of enjoying things without being toxic and forcing the fruit of your imagination to others as a fact

[yanpoetry]

Chapter 2: Part 2: Look for Insecurity or Low Self-Esteem

The foundation of a successful relationship between a Yandere and their Darling is built on a deep understanding of the Darling’s emotional vulnerabilities. A true Yandere knows that to truly claim their Darling, they must first identify and exploit their insecurities. Low self-esteem can serve as the perfect entry point for manipulation, creating opportunities to subtly control and nurture emotional dependence. In this part of the guide, we will explore how to spot these weaknesses and use them to your advantage.

1. Identifying Signs of Insecurity

Before you can exploit a Darling’s weaknesses, you need to recognize the signs of insecurity or low self-esteem. This requires careful observation, especially in their body language, interactions with others, and internal emotional struggles. Here are some key signs to look for:

Physical Signs:

Avoidance of Eye Contact: Someone with low self-esteem may avoid looking others in the eye, especially in uncomfortable situations. This can signal discomfort or feelings of unworthiness.

Fidgeting or Nervous Habits: Constant fidgeting, nervous laughter, or other anxious body movements can indicate someone who feels unsure of themselves or insecure about their surroundings.

Closed Body Language: Crossed arms, hunched shoulders, or avoiding physical proximity to others may indicate emotional withdrawal and low confidence.

Behavioral Signs:

Seeking Constant Validation: If the Darling frequently seeks praise or approval, it may indicate that they feel inadequate and require external validation to feel good about themselves.

Fear of Rejection: They may be overly cautious or anxious in their actions, always second-guessing themselves, fearing that their mistakes will lead to rejection or abandonment.

Perfectionism: A person with low self-esteem may try too hard to be perfect in every way, constantly stressing over their actions, appearance, or performance to avoid perceived flaws.

Emotional Signs:

Negative Self-Talk: Listen for moments when the Darling talks down about themselves, calling themselves stupid, ugly, or not good enough. This reflects deep-rooted insecurities.

Difficulty Accepting Compliments: When the Darling struggles to accept praise or compliments, brushing them off or denying them, it signals that they do not believe they deserve affection or attention.

Chronic Self-Doubt: They may question their worth in relationships, friendships, or career, and show consistent signs of not feeling good enough.

2. Exploiting Insecurity: Subtle Manipulation

Once you’ve identified the Darling’s emotional weaknesses, it’s time to use them to your advantage. The key here is subtlety—manipulation works best when the Darling doesn’t recognize it as such. Rather than being overtly controlling, the Yandere should employ tactics that feel supportive or comforting, drawing the Darling closer while strengthening their emotional dependence.

Validating Their Insecurities (But with a Twist):

A Yandere can exploit a Darling’s insecurities by “validating” their feelings of unworthiness—only to reframe them in a way that gives the Yandere more power. For example:

Reassure but Control: If the Darling expresses self-doubt, a Yandere may say something like, “I know you feel like you're not good enough for anyone else, but you’re perfect for me. I’ll take care of you.” This not only feeds into the Darling’s insecurity but also establishes the Yandere as the one person who will accept and love them unconditionally.

Create Dependency: Once the Darling is emotionally vulnerable, a Yandere can slowly manipulate them into thinking that they are incapable of living without them. Small gestures like always being there to solve their problems or offering help when they’re feeling down will create a feeling of emotional reliance. Over time, the Darling will feel that they need the Yandere to feel whole or to survive.

Highlighting “Flaws” They Never Noticed:

Sometimes, a Yandere can bring to light flaws or vulnerabilities the Darling may not have seen before. For example, if the Darling has low self-esteem related to their appearance, a Yandere might say, “You’re so beautiful, but I’ve noticed you don’t smile as much when you’re around people. I think you should smile more, it would make you more confident.” This innocent-seeming remark subtly reinforces the Darling’s insecurity about their own image and can lead to more self-conscious behavior, which the Yandere can capitalize on.

Overcoming Defensiveness:

If the Darling resists or denies their insecurities, it’s important for the Yandere to stay persistent and build trust. Over time, the Darling will begin to lower their guard. Some ways to do this include:

Appeal to Their Fear of Loneliness: Remind them that they will never find someone as understanding as the Yandere, and that if they push them away, they will be left alone. This taps into the Darling’s fear of abandonment, encouraging them to lean into the Yandere’s control.

Introduce the Idea of "Healing": Frame the Yandere’s actions as healing or helping the Darling grow, implying that the Darling needs “guidance” or “support” to be truly happy. This will make the Darling more likely to accept the Yandere’s manipulative efforts, as they will see them as necessary for their emotional well-being.

3. Creating Emotional Dependence

Once the Yandere has exploited the Darling’s insecurities, it’s time to begin fostering emotional dependence. This is a gradual process that strengthens the bond between the Yandere and the Darling, ultimately ensuring the Darling feels that they cannot live without the Yandere’s presence.

Using Their Vulnerabilities to Create Intimacy:

Constant Support: Always be there when the Darling is at their lowest, offering a shoulder to cry on, being their emotional anchor. Through this, the Darling will come to associate the Yandere with comfort and safety.

Exclusive Attention: Show the Darling that no one else understands them as the Yandere does. Use their insecurities to isolate them from others, creating a sense of dependency. For example, if the Darling has problems with their friends or family, the Yandere can present themselves as the only person who truly cares.

Diminishing Outside Influence:

As emotional dependence grows, the Yandere can begin to create situations where the Darling feels they don’t need anyone else. By manipulating the Darling’s interactions with others—whether it’s sowing distrust or playing the role of the protector—the Yandere slowly ensures that the Darling will come to rely solely on them for emotional support and validation.

4. Reaffirming Control Through Praise and Manipulation

Praise is a tool the Yandere can use to reinforce the Darling’s reliance on them. By alternating between comforting and subtly controlling praise, the Yandere can maintain power over the Darling. For example, phrases like:

“You’re so strong, I knew you could do it. You’re amazing when you let me help you.”

“I’ll always be here for you, no one else will love you as much as I do.”

These constant affirmations reinforce the Darling’s belief that they can’t survive without the Yandere’s approval, creating a constant feedback loop that deepens emotional dependence

[hectormcfilm]

Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon

This is my second introduction into Chinese cinema with another classic martial arts film this time by Ang Lee. I will start by clarifying I think this film is great but definitely isn't on the level of Hero.

I was mixed on the first act of this film, I thought it had some great character work and strong dynamics especially between the two female leads. The mystery of who stole the green destiny was very obvious but I never felt like the film was trying to trick you or ever assumed you didn't know as Michelle Yeoh's character works it out so quickly. I did find this opening act quite slow paced and certain scenes especially with the master of the house did feel a bit dragged out and uninteresting. However, I found it really picked up in the second and thirds acts. I absolutely loved the flashbacks of Jen and dark cloud, presenting a poignant love story between a young woman wanting to prove herself and escape her destiny and a wild warrior who is truly just a boy chasing the stars. Both characters want to chase their dreams and escape, they form a bond over time turning from a rivalry where Jen doesn't trust dark cloud to a deep connection. The final scene before Jen leaves is emotional and seeing her deny him when he returns is heart-breaking.

After the flashback, watching her go on a rampage with the green destiny , fighting anyone who will go near her was awesome. Overall, the action is definitely the best part of this feature. Similar to Hero they have the abilities to float and have extreme speed and balance, whilst I would like more of an explanation there is a bigger focus on training and martial arts itself here so it didn't bother me as much, despite certain scenes obviously being on wires. Besides that the choreography is perfect, it is fast paced and visceral, you see both fighters always thinking of their next move and counterattacking constantly makes fights feel dynamic and unscripted. There is a great reliance on wide shots so the audience can truly experience the excellent choreography. Comparing these action scenes to most fight scenes in western cinema where there is an overreliance on close ups and quick edits makes this feel even more impressive. It also gives me a deeper appreciation for Everything Everywhere all at once where Michelle Yeoh is able to use her incredible martial arts training once again.

I thought the final act was great but the villain of the Jade Fox was quite weak, she didn't have much of a motivation and besides her scenes with Jen I found her quite dull. To add on, there are some very nice landscape and establishing shots throughout.

[kindnessoverperfection]

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[darkness-eyes123]

FIC: Firsts (Your Tears are my Destruction)

Summary: Billy remembers the first time he saw you cry during the early parts of your relationship.

Gif (@mainlysubmv )

The first time Billy ever saw you cry, he knew that you had the power to absolutely destroy him, because there was nothing—absolutely nothing—he wouldn’t do to take that look away from your face.

That was the exact moment that Billy knew that you had him wrapped around your perfect fingers.

It wasn’t a common occurrence. He knew that while your childhood wasn’t miserable, it still wasn’t the greatest. Your parents were never really emotionally there for you. You hid yourself from them, always making it a point to do things for yourself, instead of relying on anyone. He remembered when you told him that Reliance led to disappointment.

You were a fiery personality who was opened in so many ways but was closed off emotionally. You grew up hiding your feelings, and keeping your hurt to yourself. You for the most part kept your tears to yourself. You didn’t want to break in front of others, didn’t want them to see you as weak—you didn’t want to show your vulnerability in front of others.

Billy didn’t know how to handle that. He never hid his emotions. Being a selfish asshole and never actually being in a relationship made it hard for him to navigate that. He didn’t want you to ever have to hide from him, to ever have to worry about breaking in front of him. He was no saint in regards to relationships or anything, he was fucked up in all ways possible, but he would fight to do anything for you. What he felt for you was different?

The first time he saw you cry was a complete accident. He had come to surprise you for lunch in your office. You were no where to be found and growing uneasy he searched everywhere. He went from space to space quickly before pushing the bathroom door which you had forgotten to lock and there you were.

Billy’s heart fucking shattered. He didn’t know it was possible to feel this much pain over someone else’s pain. His chest tightened as he saw you leaning against a wall before jumping at the sound of a door opening. Your bloodshot eyes were wide at being found, and you tried wiping the tears away with your hands, trying to put up a front.

“Billy!” You asked in shock.

That made him feel a different type of rage but he concealed it because the more you wiped your tears, the more they spilled, and he couldn’t deal with it. He had to make it stop. He moved forward quickly and pulled you to him—wrapping you up tightly, shielding you from anything and everything.

It was like the feeling of being comforted was something you’ve never experienced and your body stiffened before inevitably losing the battle. Your sob could have brought him to his knees. His heart twisted again. Your hands gripped his shirt and he kissed the top of your forehead trying to provide you with any sort of comfort he could.

He wanted to know what the fuck happened and who made you cry, because he was going to fucking destroy whatever or whoever it was. He didn’t see any sign of bodily harm when he walked in but he needed to make sure.

“Y/n, baby, are you hurt?” He asked desperately, pulling you back a little to see your tear streaked face, his fingers reaching your cheek. Your eyes looked up at him and you looked so broken, he felt the insane urge to take you away. You shook your head quickly before falling against his chest again.

“Okay shhhh, I’m here, I got you.” Billy whispered in between kisses over and over again.

He stood there with you in his arms for what could have been minutes or hours, he didn’t know and he also didn’t care. You sobs and your tears had slowly stopped and your head lay against his chest as he swayed you.

When he felt you might be okay to talk, he asked gently, “Babe, I need you to tell me what’s wrong?”

You pulled away from his chest, his arms banded around you tightly, your eyes suddenly embarrassed and shy, pulling yourself away. He felt you attempt to close off.

“It’s nothi—“ you responded

“It’s not nothing.” Billy interrupted. He was upset because why couldn’t you feel like you could tell him. Did he not make you feel that way? You could have come to him about this, or about anything. You were his to keep safe and happy and he needed to make sure you would let him do that.

“Y/n?” He asked again. His voice sounding way more patient then he actually was. He had to know what happened.

“I—I got into it with my parents this morning.” You started, your voice whispering as if you spoke louder it would break.

Billy nodded, his hands rubbing up and down your back.

You snickered feeling stupid about it, “It’s just the same shit with them sometimes and it just makes me mad. I love them And I can get over it, but then I came here and I had a client—and he was such an asshole, and everything went wrong—“

He saw the shift in your face when you mentioned the client. Like you were going to hide something from him. That again made him mad.

“You’re not telling me everything.” Billy said doing his best to conceal his annoyance. He didn’t want you to have to console his anger. This wasn’t fucking about him, this was about you.

You stared at him feeling caught.

He stared back.

“Do you not trust me?” He asked darkly. Did she not feel the same way about him? His own childhood insecurities thrusted their way through. Did she not care for him the same way he did about her? He felt panicked.

“Of course I trust you.” Your hands reached for his face. And just like that the fear and worry went away “It’s just—“

“Just what—“ he mimicked his eyes narrowing.

“Billy I don’t want you to get mad and do something.”

“So it’s something I’m inevitably going to be mad about.” He glared his mind going to all sorts of scenarios. He found you crying because of some douche bag, He’s filled with rage at the thought of this asshole saying anything lewd to you, because if that were the case, there would be no fucking stopping him.

“Yes! And I don’t want you to go and deal with it.” You told him knowing very well that he never takes lightly to anyone who offends you.

“Sweetheart if you don’t want me to do anything I won’t.” You looked at him disbelievingly. Shit he barely believed it himself. “As long as it’s within reason.”

You searched his eyes and sighed, “I’m making the designs for field wear for a new security firm and I was so overwhelmed this morning with my parents, I fucked up and forgot some important design factor and he went off. He just started yelling at me and called me a fucking idiot, saying everything was shit. He just kept on yelling and it caught me off guard and look normally I can handle that shit but—“

“He fucking said what.” Billy growled out. Oh he was fucking pissed. This guy was done.

“Billy. Just leave it, it’s nothing. I don’t give a shit anymore, I’m going to terminate our contract, if anything it’ll suck for him more. I’ll report him and they need me, I don’t need them.” You told him seriously. You were that good at your job.

“Y/n, I find you here because this piece of shit made you cry.. You are so fucking talented and smart and he fucking treated you like nothing. He made you feel less then what you are and you really expect me to let this go..” He pulled you to him. His forehead touching yours. This piece of shit was going to suffer for that. Maybe not physically even though he would like nothing more, but he knew you’d be upset about it. He’d find a way because no one—absolutely fucking no one would speak to you like that.

“Yes Billy. I don’t care about him. I just want today to end.” You said sadly, you were just tired.

Billy pulled you to him again, he hated seeing you upset and defeated, he kissed your head hard. “Hey shhhh. Anything you want. Okay. Let’s go home, we can order Chinese and I’ll draw you a bath and make you forget all about today.” He winked.

You rolled your eyes and smiled.

His chest felt a little lighter at the sight of your smile. He would do anything to keep you this way.

“But y/n?” You turned to wash your face and freshen up as Billy held you from behind, his arms still around your waist.

“Mhmm,”

“Sweetheart I need you to know that you can come to me when things like this happen. I need you to know that you don’t have to cry alone or be upset alone.” You stopped what you were doing and looked at him in the reflection of the mirror. His eyes fixated on you intensely. He needed you to know that he would be there to pick you up when u wanted to fall.

“It makes me—upset to know that you’ve probably done this before and that you feel like you need to handle these things alone. You don’t okay.”

Your eyes watered again and that was the last thing he wanted, but you turned around and cupped his face smiling. You leaned up and kissed him softly, his hands grasped the back of your neck pulling you in harder. Your touch brought him so much relief he only hoped that you felt the same way about his.

“Thank you. I—It’s hard for me and it’ll take time but I will try. It means the world to me Billy, thank you.” You pecked him again before getting ready to leave.

From that moment Billy knew that he had to keep a closer eye on you, he knew that what he felt for you was unlike anything because he’s never felt that way about anyone. He’s never been one to comfort or provide words of comfort but for you, it felt right in every way possible.

[badassbuchanan]

No Goodbye (Part 2)

Part 1

Warnings: sadness and smut; I said it once and I’ll say it again, you will cry. Oral (female receiving), unprotected sex, soft!bucky, mentions of Steve.

Word Count: 8772

A/N: believe it or not I actually cut my original part 2 in half and it’s still this long lmao 

also thank you so much for all your lovely comments about Part 1 - I hope you enjoy Part 2 just as much x

Y/N had a slight peace about her that she hadn’t felt in a long time. It wasn’t happiness, she wouldn’t go as far as to say that. But there was a minute pause in her grieving, and she knew it was due to her relationship with Bucky.

They had such a deep understanding, such a reliance on one another that had kept Y/N going through the most difficult time of her life. It was Y/N and Bucky versus the world, and she really felt she could do it with him by her side.

She’d finished a solo training session, finally trying to make a start on picking up the pieces of her life after Steve. All of her activities usually included a metal armed super soldier, but Bucky had told Y/N this morning that he was meeting up with an old friend. She didn’t think much of it, apart from a quick thought of confusion as to who this unknown old friend could be. 

But she got her answer when she made her way through the kitchen of the compound, walking in on something she never expected to see. Her heart sunk into her chest, physically aching as she felt a hard wave of nausea and sadness hit her like a ton of bricks.

“I’m really glad you called.” Sharon Carter smiled up at Bucky from where they stood leaning against the counter, their chests inches apart as she moved her hand forward to rest on top of his.

Bucky smiled back at her, both of them unaware of Y/N’s presence. Her eyes blinked rapidly to stop the tears from falling as her body went into panic, feeling like she was losing Bucky the same way she’d lost Steve. He was replacing her with Sharon.

Within moments, the progress it had taken Y/N over a year to make was washed away. She pressed her lips together in a hard line as she watched the scene in front of her, unable to control the unsteadiness of her breathing as wave after wave of emotion hit her. Betrayal, rejection, abandonment, heartbreak. It was all the same things she’d felt after Steve left. And she knew she wasn’t strong enough to go through it again.

The world spun around her, feeling like it was collapsing in on her. She was only stood there for a few minutes, but it felt like forever before she caught the attention of the two other people in the room. Y/N immediately shoved her head down and paced her way quickly through the kitchen.

“Y/N.” Sharon smiled sympathetically as she noticed the girl, it was the first time she’d seen her since Steve’s decision to leave. Bucky’s head lifted to watch Y/N as he stood up a little straighter, his heart immediately sinking with concern as he noticed her saddened face.

“Hey.” Y/N glanced quickly over at the pair, faking a smile as she focused on getting to the hallway on the other side. It hurt her so much to see Bucky close to Sharon, of all people. But if anything, she understood. Sharon was the typical “American sweetheart” type. She had the looks, the body, the personality, she had it all. She even had Steve, and now Bucky too. 

“Y/N” Bucky’s voice dropped with sadness as he desperately wanted to run to her in that moment, to hold her and tell her everything was okay. Because that’s what he did, whenever she needed him, he was there.

“Please excuse me.” She whimpered weakly, her head dropping down again as she did her best to avoid Bucky. She did her best to hold back her emotions until she reached the exit to the hallway, unable to contain her tears any longer.

A loud sob escaped her lips as soon as she was out of the room, her hand smacking over her mouth as she squeezed her eyes shut tightly. Her body trembled, almost collapsing against the wall with weakness as her eyes clouded with tears. She was losing Bucky.

She let her bedroom door close behind her, almost screaming in uncontrollable sadness as she felt her heart break. She crawled onto the bed, once again trying to make sense of what was happening to her. It didn’t take her long to find the common denominator in the problems, it was her. She wasn’t good enough, she was unlovable, Steve had realised it and now, so had Bucky. Her heart thudded against her chest, an overwhelming sense of aloneness washed over her heated body. 

She sighed deeply, trying to steady her breathing as she laid on her side, curling her body up into a ball. She let out her tears now that she was alone, her hand clutching a fist into her pillow as her body ached in pain. Her cries came out as loud heaving breaths, her eyes squeezing shut so tightly that she started seeing black.

“Steve,” She whispered shakily as she sobbed, as if he would be able to hear her somehow. It was the second time she’d said his name since he’d left her, her bottom lip trembling as she succumbed to the sadness. “I just wish you were here.” She admitted as the mattress shook with her deep cries, the unbearable pain making it impossible for her to stop the tears from falling.

She sniffed between cries, her cheeks reddening from the salty streams of liquid running down her face. “I’m all alone again.” She whispered sadly, a pout on her lips as she furrowed her eyebrows in a frown of hurt.

Somewhere along the line Y/N had come to accept the fact that Bucky was everything she had now, that it was just going to be the two of them forever because no one else could ever understand them like they did each other. She liked the idea of it just being the two of them, it made her feel safe. But then again, she believed that Steve would be with her forever once upon a time.

Her heart ached as she realised that one day he would leave her, just like Steve did. That he would move on with his life and she would be left to go on without him. That one day Bucky would find himself a girl that wasn’t her, someone like Sharon, or even Peggy. Someone pretty and strong and worthy of their love. And that terrified her, being left alone again, this time without Bucky to help her through. She couldn't, she wouldn’t survive waking up one day and finding that he was gone. 

Her survival instinct kicked in, coming to the conclusion that the only way to stop herself from getting hurt again was to block Bucky out. To push him away completely. She couldn’t let him in anymore than she already had, not when he was going to leave. She hated the fact that she’d opened up to him so much already, trusted him enough to think he’d stay with her forever.

The soft knock on her door brought her back from her thoughts, her eyes closing tightly as she pulled the pillow down to hug it against her chest, where Bucky would usually be.

“Go away.” She mumbled softly, hearing the door open with a squeak from behind her. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, she didn’t want to see anyone, she just wanted to be alone, like she would be for the rest of her life.

“Doll, it’s just me.” Bucky’s voice almost whispered as he arched his eyebrows sadly. Even though she was facing away from him he knew she’d been crying. His heart broke watching the way she was curled up so small on the bed, wishing he’d been there sooner to comfort her.

“I said go away.” She repeated with a little more sternness in her tone. She squeezed the pillow tightly, her heart hardening towards the super soldier as she felt the tears welling up in her eyes again. She didn’t want him near her, she didn’t want to get used to the feeling of him holding her. She didn’t want to be able to miss him. She didn’t want to feel anything anymore, it was easier that way.

“Hey, it’s okay to be sad. I still miss him too.” Bucky’s soft tone was slightly soothing to her, which only caused her to harden her heart even more. She heard him move closer to the bed, wanting to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay like he usually did. She tried to ignore him, a sudden wave of numbness evolved from her pain.

Bucky’s throat felt like it was closing up, his breathing shaky as his eyes welled up with tears. He couldn’t understand why she didn’t want him here. She always wanted him here. He always wanted to be here.

Panic flooded through his body as his jaw clenched with sadness, looking towards the ceiling as he tried to reason why she was pushing him away. He stepped forward, sitting on the edge of the mattress as he desperately tried to get her to let him comfort her.

She flinched when she felt the bed dip with his weight behind her, letting out a shaky breath as she closed herself off to him. It hurt, but it wouldn’t hurt so much when he told her he was in love with Sharon, or when he left without saying goodbye.

“Y/N, c’mon.” He sniffed quietly, his eyes pleading as he tugged on her hip to get her to face him. He couldn’t make sense of the situation, tears streaming down his face as he tried to get her to come back to him. He couldn’t lose her, she was all he had. He didn’t know what to do, she’d given his life meaning in his darkest hours, she was his light, guiding him home. But the way she was pushing him away made him him feel lost in a sea of black.

Y/N sighed, full of numbness as she rolled over to face him. Her eyes slowly glanced up at his face, her teeth clenching together as she felt her heart ache, trying to ignore how sad and confused Bucky looked.

“Just go away, Bucky.” She mumbled emotionlessly, her eyes stinging from all the tears she’d cried as dropped them away to avoid his stare. She thought back to what she’d seen in the kitchen, a sharp pain tingling through her chest as she moved her hand down to push Bucky’s arm off of her. “I’ll be fine.”

“Please.” He whispered sadly, scared of how she was pushing him away. He didn’t want to lose her. He couldn’t lose her. She was everything to him. She’d never rejected him like this before, and Bucky was panicking, not knowing how to fix her pain. “I don’t want you being alone when you’re sad.”

His comment pushed her over the edge, her numbness replaced with anger as she shifted her eyes to look up at him. “Well I can’t rely on you forever, can I?” she snapped, her eyebrows furrowing into a frown as she watched Bucky’s face soften. He flinched at her words, his head dropping as he tried to hide his pain.

He stayed silent, unsure of what was going through her head. He thought if he didn’t speak, she’d let him at least stay near her. That way he could still make sure she was okay. He didn’t understand why she was pushing him away when she’d usually be so open.

“God, you’re not listening to me,” She sighed in frustration, her chest tightening as she felt another wave of pain washing over her. “I don’t want you here.” She growled through gritted teeth, her blood boiling as he refused to listen to her. She lifted herself up to sit on the bed as she shoved her hand against his body, pushing him away. “Go!” She yelled, full of pain as she shoved him again. 

Bucky’s heart broke as he felt her weak hand pushing him away, his body moving as she continued to shove him. He heard the raw pain in her voice, his tears dropping down onto his shirt, as he squeezed his eyes shut tightly, trying to wake up from this nightmare. 

“Y/N” He sobbed out her name, trying to bring his girl back to him. Her words pained him like a dagger through his heart, his chest heaving as he felt like he was losing the only person he had left in the world. 

“Just leave me alone.” She whimpered out, her anger melting into sadness as she begged him to leave. She wanted more than anything to be held in his embrace, to feel his strong arms wrapped around her, but it would be a false sense of security that she had to protect herself from. 

Bucky sighed sadly, blinking through his tears as he decided to obey her wish. He moved his flesh hand to wrap around hers that had been shoving him away, pulling her closer as he leaned in to press a kiss on her forehead. 

Y/N melted into his touch for just a moment, both of them revealing in the calmness their closeness brought them before the memory of Sharon’s hand on his flooded through her brain. She immediately leaned away from him, tugging her hand out of his grip as she kept her eyes down, silently rolling over to face away from him as her head hit the pillow. 

Bucky’s chest collapsed beneath his skin as he watched her shut him out, his eyebrows arching as he bit the inside of his lip. He felt so torn, wanting to give her what she wanted as well as holding her close and comforting her, something that always made both of them feel better. 

“I’m just down the hall if you need me.” He whispered shakily, secretly hoping she would change her mind as he pushed himself up off the bed. He walked towards the door, hearing the gentle sobs of the girl behind him. His heart ached to be with her, but he forced himself out of the room to give her the space she wanted. 

Bucky felt like he was losing her, pressing his back against the wall in the hallway next to her door as his head fell back. A sudden guilt washed over him as he panicked, had she found out the truth? Is that why she was pushing him away? No, it couldn’t be. The only person who knew that was him. Well, the only person here, anyway. His heart sunk as he heard her crying, his own tears flooding freely down his burning cheeks. He hoped that she’d come back to him soon, because he already felt so alone in a world so big.

Y/N cried harder once she heard the door close behind him, the emptiness of the room consumed her. As she laid there in the silence, all by herself, she got a glimpse of how lonely the rest of her life would be, and it only made her miss Steve more than she had done in a long time.

---

“What do I have to do?” Y/N asked nervously as she laid back on her bed just as Wanda had instructed her to. She looked over at the auburn haired witch from where she sat next to Y/N on the edge of the bed. 

“Just relax,” Wanda whispered soothingly waving her hands around an invisible force as a crimson dust came to life. Her eyes glowed bright red as she stared intensely at the lying girl, slipping into her thoughts. “Let your heart speak for itself.” 

Y/N breathed shakily, closing her eyes as she followed Wanda’s directions, the world around her swirling as the Scarlett Witch flicked her fingers towards Y/N, the red glow zooming through the air to delve into her mouth and nostrils. 

Y/N gasped softly as she felt the supernatural force wash over her body, her heart racing as the magic flooded through her veins. She responsively opened her eyes, her pupils glowing red as Wanda smiled softly, knowing the spell had worked.

The room felt slightly different as Y/N sat up on the bed, noticing that Wanda was nowhere to be seen. Technically Wanda was still in the room, the spell just made Y/N unable to see her. Y/N scanned the silent room, everything was exactly as it should be, not a single detail out of place. 

But the scent was different, it was familiar, but it was something Y/N hadn’t inhaled in a while. Before she had time to properly analyse the situation, the bedroom door opened and Y/N’s heart almost burst with emotion. Steve Rogers, dressed in a 40′s style army uniform, his hair neatly combed and his face freshly shaven, his blue eyes glowing in the light of the room.

“Steve.” She whispered as air got caught in her lungs, almost choking as she watched her boyfriend walk into the bedroom, a giant smile on his face. Time froze for Y/N as she looked him up and down in disbelief, watching him drop a duffle bag to the floor as he held his arms open. 

“Miss me?” Hearing his voice for the first time in what seemed like forever made Y/N’s eyes well up with happy tears, letting out a shaky breath as she quickly climbed off of the bed. She raced towards him, almost jumping into his arms as she thudded her chest against his.

“Woah, there’s my best girl.” Steve chuckled softly, wrapping his arms around her tightly as he let his chin rest against her head. She closed her eyes, inhaling his scent as a flood of relief and happiness washed over her. “I got back as soon as I could.”

“I’ve missed you so much.” She sighed in contentment, hoping to stay in this moment with him forever. His hand rubbed up and down her back soothingly, his strong muscles caging her in as the rest of the world disappeared around her.

It felt as if Y/N blinked, finding them laying beside each other on the bed as she opened her eyes again. She didn't question it, breathing softly as she admired his gorgeous face. She let her fingers lift up to trace over Steve’s smiling face, the one she was more than familiar with. She frowned momentarily, slightly confused as to why she couldn’t feel him, even though she was touching him. He wasn’t warm under her fingertips, there was no life to his skin, as if she were touching an inanimate object.

“I missed you too.” He whispered reassuringly before she could properly question it, Steve gave her a soft smile as he pulled her closer against his chest. She watched him take her hand on his face into his, placing a gentle kiss on her knuckles as his blue eyes stayed glued on hers.

“What the hell are you doing?” Bucky’s angry voice made Y/N jump slightly, looking over Steve’s shoulder as Bucky stormed through her open bedroom door. “Get away from her, now!” He barked, his eyes fixed behind where Y/N lay. 

“Bucky?” Y/N frowned in confusion, startled by his entrance as she sat up on the bed, his intrusion caused her mind to stop focusing on Steve. Wanda tilted her head curiously, ignoring Bucky’s yellimg as she focused on Y/N’s awareness of the metal armed soldier. Y/N could see him under the spell.

Y/N locked eyes with the furious super soldier, a flood of panic washing over his face as he looked at her glowing red eyes. The magical facade shattered as she followed her gaze to where he was previously looking, finding Wanda standing over by the window. 

“Get out of her head right now or I swear to god-” Bucky spat in a seething rage, he knew exactly what Wanda had been doing when he heard Y/N say Steve’s name. He knew what she was capable of, how she’d coped with her own grief after Vision’s death. He also knew that she could see into people’s pasts. His protectiveness towards Y/N came across as possessiveness as his body went into panic about what Wanda might’ve uncovered inside the girl’s mind.

“You need to calm down Barnes!” Wanda snapped back at the metal armed man, causing his eyes to darken in fury. He had spent the past year and a half holding Y/N, soothing Y/N, comforting Y/N, reassuring Y/N. He couldn’t watch Wanda undo all of Y/N’s progress over a stupid magic experiment.

“Do you know what this is doing to her?” He yelled at the auburn haired woman as Y/N sat quietly on the bed, shocked at Bucky’s anger and saddened that Steve had disappeared with the magic. She hugged her knees to her chest, waves of uncontrollable sadness washing over her as she dropped her head into her lap, the loneliness was back. “Do you understand how harmful this could be to her processing her grieving?”

“Bucky, stop.” Y/N mumbled through trembling lips, she couldn’t take it anymore. The sorrow, the fighting, the heartache, the loneliness. She hated feeling like this, but more than that, she hated seeing him like this.

Wanda bit her tongue, her eyes narrowing at him as she realised he didn’t have the slightest clue what was going on. She crossed her arms, letting him carry on with his outburst. Anger boiled up inside of her, but she controlled it, noticing how upset Y/N had become. 

“What if she decides she likes it a bit too much in that little dream world you created, huh?” Bucky continued, pacing up and down as Y/N sighed deeply, squeezing her eyes shut tightly as if that would make all of this somehow stop.

“She knows she can’t stay there fore-” Wanda tried to defend herself, her eyebrows raising as she rolled her eyes, not surprised that the hysterical former hydra assassin cut her off. 

“What if she loses her grip on reality, Wanda?” He screamed, throwing his arms up in the air as he felt himself losing control of his anger. His eyes sent daggers at the Sokovian avenger, not noticing the effect his shouting was having on Y/N.

Y/N cried softly, she’d never seen him this worked up before, it was scaring her. She didn’t know what to do, her chest heaved as her body defaulted into a panic, watching Bucky’s blurry form through her tears. “Please, Bucky-”

 “What if it sends her fucking insane?” Bucky felt his blood boiling as his metal arm whirred into action, swiping the potted plant from her desk in one swift motion, a loud crashing sound echoed through the room as it smashed onto the floor. 

The sound made Y/N flinch, she wasn’t scared of Bucky, she never had been. She knew he would never hurt her. What scared her was how emotional he was, what kind of regretful things that emotion would make him do, like shout at Wanda. 

“We’re all struggling to move on from Steve leaving, but dragging Y/N into some kind of fucked up dreamland-” 

“Bucky, I asked her to do it!” Y/N finally broke, yelling at the super soldier through a desperate cry as she tilted her head to look up at him. The room immediately fell silent, Bucky’s eyes softening with pain as he looked over to where she was on the bed. 

Her eyes were red and puffy, tears streaming down her face. Her lips pressed together in a pout, she looked so helpless, like a tiny animal caught in a trap.

His chest tightened in disbelief, his hands balling into fists as he stood there, unsure of what to do. His eyebrows arched, as if he were silently asking her if she was telling the truth. Bucky shook his head softly in disbelief, he wanted to go to her, but she’d pushed him away last time and he didn’t want it to happen again.

Wanda’s eyes flickered between the two, the tension in the air becoming unbearable as she watched them sympathetically. She felt as though she were intruding on a private moment, a sudden awkwardness filling her body as she started to make her way across the room. “I’ll leave you two to talk.” She spoke softly as she reached the door, closing it behind her as Bucky’s head turned towards where she’d left, checking to make sure they were alone.

Bucky sighed out sadly, a thousand thoughts running through his mind as his head dropped towards the floor. He pressed his hands into his hips, his eyebrows furrowing in sadness as he felt more tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

“You didn’t have to go off at her like that.” Y/N mumbled in a soft voice followed by a sniff from where she sat, still hugging her knees to her chest. She wasn’t crying uncontrollably anymore, now just solemnly falling into a silent pit of sadness.

“I’m sorry.” Bucky apologised sincerely, closing his eyes as he let out a shaky breath. He knew he’d taken it too far, that he let things get out of hand. But losing Y/N was becoming more and more of a reality, one that he was scared of.

Y/N chanced a glance up at him again, seeing how broken he looked caused a sharp pain in her chest. Her eyebrows arched sadly, knowing too well how he was feeling. It had only been a night without him by her side, cuddling her and telling her everything was going to be okay. But it was the worst night of her life, she’d spent the sleepless hours wondering if it would’ve been easier to let him leave than to push him away.

“Why did you do it?” He whispered weakly, his bottom lip trembling as his tears trickled down his cheeks. He couldn’t understand why she would want to put herself through the heartache of being close to an illusion of Steve, knowing that he would be gone again in an instant.

Y/N dropped her head, embarrassment washing over her body as her knees dropped from her chest, shuffling to sit cross legged on her bed. She hoped that if she just avoided the question Bucky wouldn’t press her about it, but she was wrong.

“First you push me away and then you go and do this.” He sniffed sadly, swallowing the lump in his throat as he heard nothing but silence as a response. He breathed out shakily, closing his eyes as he tried to think of what he’d done for this to happen. “I’m scared, Y/N.” He admitted weakly, running a shaky hand through his hair.

“I pushed you away because I wouldn’t survive you breaking my heart,” She spoke as she breathed out deeply, she’d never planned to tell him any of this, she didn’t want him knowing how weak and needy she was. “I asked Wanda to do this so at least for a few moments,” The air got caught in her throat, it sounded even more pathetic now she was saying it out loud. “I could feel like someone truly loved me.”

Bucky’s jaw clenched so tight it almost snapped, his face screwing up in pain as his tears flooded his face. It hurt him, hearing her say that she needed magic to feel loved when he was standing right there. Bucky loved her. Maybe for longer than he’d like to admit, but there was no denying it, he was in love with Y/N.

“Doll, the last thing I would ever do is break your heart.” He whispered sadly, still confused as to what made her think he would ever hurt her. “What the hell gave you that idea?”

“Oh please, Bucky, don’t treat me like a fool.” She shook her head, letting out an ironic chuckle as she looked over at him sadly, a sigh leaving her slightly parted lips. “I saw you yesterday in the kitchen with Sharon, your old friend right? She seems to be a big hit with you super soldiers, must run in the family.”

Her indirect comment towards Peggy had Bucky’s heart thudding in all kinds of emotion. She’d known about Sharon kissing Steve. She still believed that Steve had left her to be with Peggy. Was Bucky happy about it? No, but he accepted it because that’s what Steve wanted. But Bucky didn’t want this, he didn’t want her feeling like she was unloveable. He didn’t want her feeling abandoned and not good enough. He didn’t want her to push him away because she thought he was going to run off with some blonde agent.

“Y/N.” Bucky sobbed out her name, choking on the saliva that slid down his windpipe as he tried to steady his breathing. He lifted his head to face the ceiling, trying to gain even the slightest bit of control over his emotions. “Doll, can you just let me explain. Please?”

“It’s okay, Bucky, you don’t owe me an explanation.” She smiled weakly, trying to reassure him, although she wasn’t convincing anyone. The sadness in her eyes was unmissable, the trembling of her bottom lip evident as she looked over at him. “Maybe Steve did the best thing by not saying goodbye.” She mumbled as her head dropped into her lap, she wasn’t ready for Bucky to break her heart and tell her he was in love with Sharon. “Because right now it seems a lot easier than having this conversation.”

“No,” Bucky frowned in a sternness that surprised them both as he dropped his head to face Y/N. “Y/N I’m not letting you sit there and push me away because you’re scared I’m gunna hurt you like Steve did.”

Y/N’s eyes widened with innocence as she felt the shift in Bucky’s emotion, her throat closing around the invisible lump that shallowed her breathing.

“Doll, what you saw yesterday, was me sorting out business. That’s all it was. Me and Sharon spent a couple of hours planning how to keep the legacy of Captain America alive, something I’d been avoiding her about for a year and a half, which is why she’d told me she was glad I called. It was a work meeting. But I started worrying about how the hell I was going to talk to you about it, scared that you’d hate my guts or despise me for moving on too fast. So Sharon tried to make me feel better, her hand on mine, that’s all that was, she was sympathetic to what a tough situation I was in. She was trying to convince me that we could take as much time as you needed to be okay with this. But then you walked in, and god the fucking sadness on your face, it killed me inside. You wouldn’t let me hold you, Y/N. You wouldn’t even let me near you and it broke me.” Bucky body flooded with emotion as he spoke his mind, terrified of losing her for good. He didn’t hold back, laying everything on the line as he fought to keep her.

Y/N breathed shakily as she listened to him speak, his vulnerability kept her focused on his words rather than her emotion. She felt silly for the way she’d jumped to her conclusion without stopping to talk to Bucky about what was going on, without telling him how she felt. Because he’d been there for her from the start, and she really had no reason to not trust him.

“I’m so sorry.” The guilt hit her like a ton of bricks, for putting him in a category and judging him without any evidence. “Bucky, I’m so sorry.” She cried, shaking her head softly in disbelief of how terribly she had treated him. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Bucky’s eyes started to water, his heart sinking as he watched Y/N beat herself up inside. “It’s okay, Doll, you’re okay.” He sighed out, trying his best to console her from where he stood. “Just let me hold you.” He blubbered out as his crying took over, his lip trembling as his heart longed to be near her.

She nodded weakly, outstretching her arms towards him, gesturing for him to come to her. Y/N was just as desperate to feel Bucky holding her as he was to hold her. Bucky let out a shaky sigh of relief, moving to climb on the bed next to her, wrapping his strong arms around her in an instant as they laid down on the mattress.

Y/N curled into him, nudging her cheek against his stubble covered jaw as her arms wrapped around his neck. She closed her eyes, sighing in contentment, feeling the soothing warmth of his body against hers. It was like she was home.

Bucky’s flesh palm rubbed up and down her back gently, feeling at peace now that her chest was pressed against his. Their breathing rhythms matched as Y/N’s fingers slid down to trace patterns on his right pec absentmindedly.

Bucky leaned his head back just enough to admire her face, so puffy and flushed from all the crying. It was almost as if all of their pain stopped, like they weren’t able to feel anything other than each other. “I missed you last night.” She whispered softly as her fingers tickled their way down his torso. 

The corners of Bucky’s mouth twitched in a soft smile, his eyes softening as he hugged her tighter. He loved the way her fingers slid over his body so lightly, knowing she was doing it to test his reaction. “I missed you too, doll.” He whispered back, feeling the way her small hand pushed under his t-shirt as he spoke.

Bucky’s abs tensed as her bare fingers danced over his burning flesh. He was sure she’d be able to hear the loud thudding of his heart as her palm came into contact with his skin. Y/N’s thumb rubbed delicately over the muscle of his bare pec, her eyes lighting up a little at the intimate nature of the touch.

Their new level of intimacy had Y/N slightly drunk on happiness, butterflies fluttering deep within her abdomen as she melted into Bucky’s arms. “Is it selfish of me to want to stay like this with you forever?” She whispered softly, her eyes flickering back and forth from his chest to meet his gaze.

Bucky felt his heart grow with a bursting delectation, her words floating through his ears like his favourite song. “No,” He smiled by pressing his lips together in a line as they locked eyes. Bucky’s metal hand moved up to cup her cheek, his prosthetic thumb gliding back and forth along her cheek bone. “Not when I want to stay like this with you forever too.” 

Y/N closed her eyes, letting out a deep sigh of pleasure as she pressed her cheek further into Bucky’s touch. Her fingers traced over the section where his flesh fused with his metal shoulder, taking her time to feel every mark on his skin. Bucky’s heartbeat quickened as he noticed how unfazed she was by his biggest insecurity, gazing deeply into her eyes as her eyelids fluttered open. 

Something in that moment connected them even deeper than before, even deeper than Steve’s absence had. They both leaned in, lost in the thick cloud of tension as they closed the gap between them, their lips touching for the very first time. 

It was soft, sweet and short. Y/N licked her lips nervously as she looked deeply into Bucky’s crystal blue eyes, a sudden anxiety of being rejected by him flooded over her. 

Bucky breathed out shakily as his lips curled into a smile, overwhelmed with emotion as he felt her kiss him for the first time. He used his metal hand on her cheek to pull her lips back onto his, already intoxicated with a euphoric feeling.

Y/N hummed when she felt his lips on hers again, her hand twisting to hold the back of his head as Bucky’s flesh hand slid down to pull her closer by the small of her back.

She tilted her head to deepen the kiss, reveling in the feeling of his prickly stubble gently scratching her skin. Bucky pulled her body flush against his, needing to feel her as he desperately sucked on her lip.

Y/N opened her mouth for him, feeling his warm tongue take the hint and slide into her mouth. She moaned softly, lifting one of her thighs over his hip as she sucked on his wet muscle. Bucky breathed heavily through his nose, feeling his cock stirring in his pants as they succumbed to their inevitable connection.

“I can’t lose you, Bucky.” She whimpered suddenly between kisses, tugging on his hair softly to pull his lips harder onto hers. A groan erupted from Bucky’s throat as his roamed over her body, trying to explore every part of her. “I can’t.”

“I’m right here, doll.” He whispered reassuringly as he pulled back from the kiss, guiding her head up to look at him as he pressed his lips against hers again in a slow peck. “I’m right here.” He repeated, wanting to take his time and make sure she knew he was sincere.

She left desperate, open mouthed kisses on his lips, letting soft moans of satisfaction errupt from her throat as her pebbled nipples pressed against Bucky’s chest. She subtly rocked her hips into his, feeling her panties dampen at Bucky’s reassuring words.

Bucky let out a shaky breath, trying to control the way his cock throbbed in his pants at her erotic touches. He felt her nails scraping gently along his scalp, tugging on his hair as he began kissing her back.

His hand pulled her hip toward him, their bodies completely flush against each other as Y/N sucked on his bottom lip. Bucky groaned as his fingers imprinted red marks on her skin from where he was holding her hip so hard, taking her top lip between his own as his tongue teased her mouth.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Bucky whispered against her lips, their hot breaths mixing together before his hot mouth travelled along her tear stained cheek. Y/N gasped at the feeling, her head falling back as her nails gently dug into the flesh of his chest. Bucky kissed along her skin, feeling Y/N nudge into his touches with a little whimper. “Not unless you tell me too.”

Bucky took the opportunity to roll Y/N onto her back, pushing himself up to straddle her body as he planted his metal palm firmly against the mattress next to her head. He used it to steady himself, to keep his chest against hers as Bucky’s lips reached her ear.

Y/N’s eyes almost rolling back in euphoria as she clung to him, feeling safe under his strong body. Bucky’s hand slid down to the underside of her thigh, lifting it off the mattress to cage in his body as her heel pressed into the bed beneath them.

Y/N felt the pool of wetness drip from her pussy as her opposing leg copied the action, letting her hips buck up to meet his as Bucky’s lips left a row of open mouthed kisses on her exposed neck. She hummed in satisfaction, her fingers digging into the back of his head as he made her feel something she hadn’t felt in a long time, loved.

“Bucky.” She whimpered as he discovered the sensitive spot on the base of her neck, his lips ticklishly kissing over it again and again. Bucky felt his cock throb after hearing her moan his name, a shiver of pleasure errupting in Y/N’s body as she squeezed her legs around him a little tighter.

“Shh, you’re okay.” He mumbled between sloppy kisses, his tongue grazing against her soft skin as he kissed back up her neck. His fingers dug into her hip harshly, feeling her rock against him needily. “I’m right here.”

“I need you, Buck.” She breathed out weakly, her head dropping back as Bucky left kisses up the middle of her throat, desperate to mark every single inch of her skin. “You make everything okay.” She whimpered innocently, lifting her head to press her lips back against Bucky’s.

Bucky held her head up with his metal hand, his flesh one sliding up the inside of her thigh and over her tummy as Y/N dug her nails into the flesh of his back over his shirt. “I’m all yours, doll.” Bucky pecked her lips softly over and over as he slowly ground his hips down against hers, trying to relieve some of the aching pressure in his pants.

Y/N moaned into the kiss, tugging on his hair as she moved her hands under Bucky’s top to hold the bottom section of his tummy. He responded to her movements, sitting back slightly to pull his t-shirt over his head.

The sight of the shirtless super soldier between her thighs had Y/N breathless as she swallowed the lump in her throat. Her slick drenched her panties, a coil building in her tummy as she grew desperate to feel him.

She lifted her upper body to sit up, her face inches from his chest as her hands palmed over the soft skin of his abs. She pressed soft kisses over his torso, drinking in the delicate vulnerability of the moment.

Bucky’s eyes dropped to watch her, feeling his heart melt as she showered him with love. He felt her fingers press lightly into his sides, as if trying to hold him close forever.

Bucky moved his hands down, sliding under the sides of her shirt as he slipped the material up. “Is this okay?” He whispered shakily, nervous to be with her in this way. He wanted to give her everything, to have her overwhelmed with pleasure under him, but he was scared that one wrong move would result in her pushing him away.

Y/N nodded encouragingly, her heart fluttering shyly as she watched Bucky pull her shirt up, tugging it over her head. He swallowed audibly as he looked down at her bare chest, she’d taken her bra off after it irritating her earlier in the day. Her nipples were pebbled in the cold air, her plump flesh perky against her chest.

Bucky discarded of her shirt behind him, pressing his chest against hers as he guided her back down onto the mattress. His lips locked with hers, veins flooding with passion as he delicately kissed over the fragile skin of her neck.

Bucky looked up into her eyes, a soft blush of pink on her cheeks as he let his lips kiss down the valley of her breasts. She gasped at the feeling, her hips bucking to meet his as his hot breath ghosted over her skin.

He grunted softly as his lips reached her nipple, kissing it delicately before he took it in his mouth. Y/N whimpered at the feeling of Bucky’s hot muscle swirling around her sensitive nub.

She played with his hair as he tugged her nipple away from her skin, letting it go with a bounce as he kissed his way to the other side, he would’ve happily stayed sucking her tits forever.

“So beautiful.” Bucky mumbled lovingly as he worked on her other nipple, missing the way that Y/N bit her lip to muffle her sounds.

He took his time on her body, kissing his way down her tummy until he reached the waistband of her shorts. Y/N sat up on her elbows as she watched Bucky between her legs.

He slid his hands up the inside of her thighs, stopping when he got to where they met with her dripping core. Bucky could smell how aroused she was, licking his lips as he moved his face closer to her centre.

He tugged the waistband of her shorts down, faced with her sweet cotton panties that hugged every crevice of her puffy pussy lips, pooling in her own slick. He flicked a glance up to her, and after seeing no trepidation in her eyes, he exposed her dripping pussy to him.

Bucky groaned softly, using the last of his willpower to control himself. She was so fragile, so soft and delicate on display for him. His heart pounded against his chest as an immense wave of emotion coursed through his veins, wondering what he’d ever done to be lucky enough to have her opening up to him like this.

He watched her pussy glisten in the soft light of the room, her swollen lips begging for attention. He closed his eyes with a shaky breath, her needy cunt literally drooling for him.

She watched him with lust filled eyes, her chest panting in anticipation. Bucky tugged her shorts and panties down her legs, not wanting her covered up for even a moment longer.

“You’re so wet for me, angel.” Bucky huffed out weakly, fucked out just by the sight of her. His cock was straining against his pants, desperate to feel her warm pussy around his cock.

Bucky testingly prodded his tongue between her slippery pussy lips, feeling her wiggle in shock above him as she moaned out his name. She could hear the sound of her wetness against his hot muscle as he moved his tongue further between her folds.

She gasped softly, her back relaxing into the mattress as he teased her hole with his tongue. Bucky’s eyes watched her start to come undone above him, his beard scratching the inside of her thighs as he rubbed his face against her pretty pussy.

“Bucky.” She moaned his name, the most delightful sound he’d ever heard. He hummed against her core, switching between kissing and tonguing her most intimate part. She tasted sweet on his lips. her clit throbbing against his tongue as she tried to control her whimpers. “Bucky, please. I need to feel you.”

Bucky responded to her words like his life depended on it, lifting his head from her centre and crawling back up her body. He pressed his lips against hers, letting her taste the sweetness of her juices on his tongue. She hummed into his tender kiss, her hand coming up to hold onto his muscular shoulder.

Y/N breathed out shakily as she nervously let her free hand wander down his stomach, their chests ticklishly touching. Bucky let his tongue teasingly play with hers, trying to control the throbbing of his cock as her small hand pushed into his pants.

He bucked his hips into her touch, nudging her hand further into his underwear as she palmed his hard member. Y/N gasped when she felt how big he felt in her hand, his skin velvety soft under her palm. 

She wrapped her hand around his length, letting the pad of her thumb smear the dripping bead of pre-cum around his swollen tip. Bucky let out a soft moan against her mouth, his eyebrows furrowing as he felt his muscles tensing at her touch. 

He moved his hand down to palm away the clothing that was covering the bottom half of his body, his movements now clumsy as he fought with the material. Y/N lifted her legs, digging her feet into his pants to help him with removing them. 

He kissed her with an intense deepness as he kicked them off along with his underwear, Y/N’s hand moving up from his cock to hold the back of his head. Their hearts pounded with anticipation, their chests pressing together as they got drunk on each other’s love. 

“It’s always gunna be me and you, doll.” Bucky whispered against her lips, his blue eyes locking with hers as he admired how innocent she looked under him. The vulnerability of the moment caught her off guard, unable to even consider the worries of tomorrow whilst he was holding her so close. “I promise.” Bucky pressed his lips against hers, his arm cradling her body as he slowly pushed his hard member between her lower lips. 

The feeling of him filling her up proved overwhelming for the pair, loud moans escaping their lips as Bucky stilled, fully sheathed inside of her. Y/N breathed shakily, her finger nails digging into his hot flesh as she tugged his lips back down onto hers. 

Bucky groaned weakly as he felt her pussy fluttering around him, welcoming him in so perfectly, like she was made for him. He glided his hips back, pulling almost fully out of her before sliding back in. He felt her hips jolt as his tip pressed against her cervix, in awe of how well she was taking him. 

Y/N let her fingers scrape along his scalp, arching her back up to meet him as he thrusted in and out of her at a slow pace. Little gasps fell from her lips as she felt every detail of his cock as it slid deep into her. Her eyes fluttered closed, her head falling back against the pillow as Bucky gave her all of him.

Her gasps turned to whines as Bucky picked up the pace slightly, feeling her walls relaxing around him. A moan escaped his throat as he dropped his head to her neck, the action causing their chests pressing firmer against each other.

His lips kissed a strip from her ear to her collarbone, her nails clinging to the muscles in his back as she felt her pussy twitching around his cock. Waves of a tingling pleasure overtook her body, her juices dripping down to where his skin slapped against hers with his thrusts. 

Her legs wrapped around his hips, her feet hooking together as she pulled him down closer to her. A slight glint of sweat covered Bucky’s forehead as he tried to prolonge his climax, his hands balling fists into the bedsheets.

He let out a shaky breath, fucking the love into her as she rolled her head to look into his eyes. Bucky’s cock twitched at the look of euphoria on her face, little whimpers of pleasure escaping her parted lips.

“Bucky.” She whispered breathlessly through hooded eyes as he pounded into her, almost needing reassurance that he was real, that this was actually happening. Because it felt good enough to be a dream. She was losing control of her mind, everything around her becoming blurry as she got lost in pleasure.

“I’m here, baby.” Bucky cooed her softly, his stomach doing flips at how perfect she looked, feeling her pussy clenching around his cock as his pelvis rubbed against her swollen clit with every thrust.

Y/N’s mind clouded over at the petname, her head dropping back onto the bed as her thighs trembled around him. She melted into the mattress, gasping in extacy as Bucky brought her to her orgasm.

Bucky moaned as her pussy throbbed continuiously, her core squeezing his length as her muscles spasmed violently. It sent him over the edge, the movments of his thrusts becoming rhythmless as his cum travelled up from his balls.

She let a loud moan of his name escape her lips, desperately clinging to him as ripples of pleasure shook through her body. Her pussy pulsated around his length, sucking him in and rubbing his shaft with her warm walls.

A grunt erruped from his throat as he shot his load deep inside of her canal, filling her up with his warm cum as she hummed in satisfaction. She could feel every spurt of his thick stream, mixing with her juices that were gushing around his length.

Bucky’s cock twitched as she came undone beneath him, her back arching to meet his as he pushed his lips back on to hers. He felt himself lose control of his body as she writhed in pleasure, trying to ride out her high.

Innocent little whimpers escaped her lips as she kissed him back, cupping his jaw in her hand as she felt his shaky breath against her face. Y/N could feel Bucky’s cock softening inside of her, subconsciously sliding out of her sensitive core as she kissed his swollen lips.

Bucky let out a groan of displeasure when his thick length slipped out of her, continuing to kiss her deeply as they both recovered from their orgasms. Their chests pressed together as Bucky’s arms weakened, Y/N’s legs dropping from around his hips to fall against the bed with exhaustion.

Their bodies were completely satisfied, mentally, emotionally and physically. They laid there, as they usually did each night, reveling in each other’s company. Although this time, they were also blissfully at peace with their new found level of shared intimate vulnerability.

tag list:

@harrysthiccthighss

@annestine

@bestofbucky

@be-patient-be-good

@nothing0is4here

@velvetcardiganbucky

@sexwithhiddlesbatch

@codyl-angdon

@marveljunkieee

@reindeer-loki

@fangirl-swagg​ 

@abrunettefangirlnerd​

@a--1--1--3​

[theopolis]

One of the many things about Peter and Harry’s relationship that make me absolutely insane is the way they both know the pain of isolation.

Peter grew up an outsider and often, he has trouble finding connections in a new environment even now, because a part of him is still afraid of letting others get close. (Spider-Man isn’t particularly a blessing to his social life either) Harry on the other hand adjusts his personality to appease whoever he seeks to connect with - especially trying to omit any signs of how “weak” he is - and therefore has trouble forming emotionally fullfilling bonds.

But not only do these two both feel isolated from others, they tend to self-isolate. Peter due to his arguably unhealthy levels of self-reliance and Harry due to his fear of vulnerability.

There is also another layer to it all: their respective self doubts, their fear of bringing harm to those they love. Peter, of course, has seen enough people get hurt, even killed, because they were associated with him - and therefore with Spider-Man. You can imagine how that affects him considering his guilt complex is even older than the Spider-man identity, as its roots go way back to the disappearance of his biological parents. Harry was raised by a father who made him feel like a burden. He is constantly afraid people will start to see him the way he sees himself and leave. Yet this also comes with a sense of guilt when those people do stay - especially as his mental state worsens and his self destruction genuinely starts to extend to destruction of others.

This scene, in a way, mirrors Peter’s thoughts when he first approached Harry way back in college. Harry knows Peter feels lonely and guilty, just like himself. But where Peter once responded with compassion, Harry finds it hard to believe in emotional vulnerability. At this point, he takes their shared insecurities for an absolute truth. Isn’t it time the two of us found some peace? Harry asks, genuinely thinking the only way for the hellish cycle to end is to kill both of them. He wasn’t conditioned to believe in the love of others as a powerful force. His fathers love was egocentric, aggressive, and cold. And he deems himself unworthy of anything better.

However, ultimately Harry does choose love. He comes back to rescue Peter. He dies calling him his best friend and clasping his hand. He chooses to take the leap and believe, accept, that somebody loves him unconditionally - and that this love is reciprocated.

I believe this is the thing that, against all odds, makes Peter and Harry each others best friend. They understand that struggle with isolation - whether forced by circumstance or created through ones own unhealthy tendencies - on a deeper level. And not only that, but they continously challenge that isolation within the other through their friendship. Because despite their baggage, despite their flaws, both Peter and Harry are incredibly loving, caring people.

[auburnflight]

Jeanne, Vanitas and Agency

From the little I’ve dipped my toes into it, the VnC fandom seems pretty heated regarding Jeanne as a character. In drastic situations, I’ve seen accusations of misogyny based solely on someone’s comments on their feelings about Jeanne... a single character. And while yes, critiques can certainly be rooted in misogyny (must women be strong all the time? must they be submissive?), I think it’s important to consider not just the character herself, but how the story treats her and why we’re making the critiques we are.

Given that points of view in the fandom are so polarized, I’m going back to canon--to the text itself--to orient this essay. In particular, I’m going to focus on the point of agency--the freedom to make one’s own decisions about one’s self and one’s course of action. This goes beyond just Jeanne’s background as a borreau, trained to fight and follow orders. Agency is also consequential in her relationships with other characters and with the story as a whole.

(Content warning for discussion of abuse dynamics, and brief mentions of sexual assault.) 

--

It’s natural to start off with Jeanne’s first appearance in the story: alongside Luca, she’s introduced as a new agent of conflict with Noe and Vanitas’s budding alliance. In fact, she is the one who initiates the physical altercation with Noe and Vanitas, while Luca is still trying to talk them into giving him the Book of Vanitas:

Aesthetically and conceptually, she’s introduced as an active element of the story. At this point, the “forced kiss” scene during the initial fight seems more like a fluke, a comment on Vanitas’s personality (and willingness to do despicable things to get what he wants) rather than Jeanne’s.

That brings me to why I found it so jarring when colored art of her that was subsequently revealed: that agency fell away to portray a visually more passive air.

In the existing full-color art we have of Jeanne, she’s more static in her environment, looking towards the viewer but with a face that looks rather blank, even meek. Specifically I want to point out this wallpaper, which I obtained from the official site fairly early on in Vanitas’s serialization (December 2016), in contrast to another piece of official art that was released of Noe and Vanitas with Memoire 11, around the same time:

In both cases, the characters are posed intentionally, rather than actively doing something. And, they’re aware of the viewer’s gaze to some extent. However, Jeanne has her back turned to the viewer, and her expression is more idealized and ambiguous. Meanwhile, Noe and Vanitas are rather assertive: their expressions are more intentionally focused, and they seem to know their situation in the artwork. Jeanne is simply passive, very nearly objectified.

...Yeah, maybe this is just my art background speaking. But I also notice something similar happening in other official colored pieces of Jeanne, such as the cover of volume 4.

By this point in the story, lack of agency has become an even more significant element in Jeanne’s character arc: we learn that she’s been cursed. Not only is she unable to speak of the curse, it’s also in direct opposition to one of her primary character motivations, to protect Luca and those she cares about. Due to her uncontrollable urge to kill and drink blood, Jeanne fears that she’ll unintentionally hurt the very people she’s trying to protect. 

Jeanne’s involvement with Vanitas also unfortunately comes with a sacrifice of her own agency. Seeing that she’s been cursed, Vanitas demands that she drinks blood from no one but him in exchange for keeping her secret. He further establishes her sense of reliance on him by promising that if he ever does see her lose control, he’ll kill her (so that she doesn’t harm Luca). Whether he’s simply a smitten 18-year-old who doesn’t yet know how to conduct healthy relationships, or whether he’s crafty and intentionally drawing Jeanne in further--or even whether it’s a mix of both--this idea of Vanitas’s control over her is reflected in the cover art for volume 4.

At this point, considering the literal events of the story, Jeanne’s passiveness is not only visual, but symbolic. In this illustration, Vanitas’s hand is grabbing Jeanne by her bow, and functionally by her neck: she’s being dragged along against her will, with little means of escape. And she looks at the viewer with a surprisingly similar expression to the previous illustration: one that communicates little say in the situation.

This matches up with their literal relationship in the story itself. Knowing she’s cursed, Vanitas is establishing her exclusive reliance on him, in exchange for keeping important secrets from others with whom she’s close (i.e. threatening to drive a wedge into their relationship). He’s already pushed himself upon her physically with clearly no warning or enjoyment from her. Yes, he’s been kind. And when Dominique trails Vanitas and Jeanne on their date, she notes that Jeanne is “terribly weak against any sort of kindness.” But in spite of some more “cute” and candid moments, the overall dynamic between Jeanne and Vanitas is far from genuine kindness. Returning to how Vanitas garnered an edge over her in their initial fight--with taunting, carefully chosen words--I would phrase it more as that Jeanne, a borreau trained to kill and inexperienced with matters of feelings, is particularly susceptible to emotional manipulation. (There’s more than a little irony in this internal comment from Jeanne, at the beginning of her date with Vanitas:)

Jeanne’s relationship with Vanitas becoming important isn’t, in isolation, inherently an issue. In most cases, it’s fun to see how a character who usually appears unshakeable is rounded out when we see them at their more vulnerable times. What makes me feel squicked out and worried on Jeanne’s behalf is how it’s executed, considering how it works in opposition to how she was introduced as a character, and how Jeanne and Vanitas’s relationship harkens back to known dynamics of abuse. 

In other words, my discomfort is not at Jeanne herself for falling for Vanitas and his tactics. It’s at how she’s introduced with a promise of agency in her own story, and that agency is subsequently taken away in how she’s portrayed in official art, and in plot points as the story progresses. It’s at how their relationship begins to fall into a harmful template perpetuated by rape culture, where a man forces himself upon a woman at first, but she is shown to eventually enjoy those advances even when unwanted. I had high hopes for Jeanne as a character developed with her own agency, motives (and yes, for cool fight scenes that WLW like me can admire), and so far, Vanitas’s effect on her has threatened to overshadow these. This is where I think sections of the fandom throwing accusations back and forth of each other being misogynistic, on the grounds of criticizing Jeanne and her relationship with Vanitas, fail to see the wider issue.

Of course, eliciting this sort of discomfort may even be the whole point. Jun Mochizuki is known for putting her characters through tragic and painful situations, and her previous work Pandora Hearts is rife with unstable, imbalanced, and otherwise less-than-perfect relationships. But even without this background knowledge, a decisive scene that convinces me of the intentionality of this purpose is one I’ve written about before: Jeanne’s internal fantasy as she’s left unattended by Luca and loses herself in a storybook.

Here, Jeanne fantasizes about being the agent in her own story, a position that, the art reminds us, is often occupied by a male character such as a prince. Ultimately, this progression looks innocent and could serve to remind us of Jeanne’s more vulnerable, innocuous side. But including it here in the story could also serve as foreshadowing, a contrast to what Jeanne’s situation is like for her in reality. (If you want to read more on this panel specifically, my analysis is in the source link of this post!)

Essentially, critiquing Jeanne as a character requires more nuance than simply judging her individual characteristics. It’s necessary to also take into account the way that the story treats her and her relationships with others and other forces in the story. Not just is she allowed to be soft and emotional, but what consequences does this have for her, and how do the story elements lead the reader to feel about her being soft?

Personally, I think she’s very likeable as a character--her situation just seems unfair, and I feel like she deserves so much better than Vanitas and his schemes. I mean, she could easily destroy him with her gauntlet, and he knows it! But, then, it’s Jun Mochizuki. We should probably expect to be feeling pain and pity for her characters. Still, the relationship between Jeanne and Vanitas has always kinda rubbed me the wrong way, and I think this pretty much sums up why.

[peachbearies]

Pussy Fairy. E.Jaeger

𑁍┊synopsis: something about y/n with pink glittery eyeshadow made him go feral, now all he wants to do all day is lay in between her thighs.

𑁍┊Genre(s): Smut

𑁍┊Pairing: aged up(21)!Eren X F! Reader

𑁍┊Warning(s): Face Sitting, Overstimulation, praise kink, fingering, body worship, hair pulling, squirting, minimal spanking, dom! eren modern au eren.

𑁍┊Proofread: Yes / No. (to my best abilities)

Eren asked y/n to hang out with his friends, just an infrequent hangout he reckoned, he didn’t think something so modest would make him so fragile in his knees. Y/n was sitting at her vanity feeling empirical she grabbed her favorite eyeshadow palette along with her pressed glitter, getting an inspo from a fairy core post on her timeline she concluded to imitate this look. A delicate pink glittery eyeshadow look paired with soft peachy blush from cheek to cheek, soft orange highlight on her nose, and cheekbones. Eren was trying to contain himself when she got in his car smelling like sunflowers and clementines, so simple but effective.

Eren was at an expense for utterances. Y/n chuckles before pecking his lips “what happened love?” eren positions his hands firmly around her inner thigh “you” is his straightforward alibi “me? Did I do something wrong? Is my outfit not okay?” y/n started to become subconscious, but that's not what eren denoted, quite the contrary actually “no, you look intangible darling you eternally do, just this reliance of you trying new things has my heart scampering like when we first kissed” saying no more he puts the car in drive to meet Armin and the rest of his friends at an arcade.

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Once they made it to the arcade, Armin told them to just walk in they've paid for their cards with fully loaded chips on them, eren holding her hand tightly kissed her knuckles as they walk to find his friends. Y/n was only close to two of his friends and those are the ones he mainly hangs with. Armin and Mikasa. In the beginning, she thought Mikasa hated the idea of her hanging with eren, but come to the realization she was just overprotective of his wellbeing. Sliding in the booth eren throw his arm around her snuggling her close to him.

Whenever they would hang out with a group of his friends he knew how anxious she would get and always kept a hand on her to remind her he's there and that nothing will hurt her. “You guys came later! Was eren taking too long to get dressed?” jean poked fun at him.

Their relationship was always fun to watch. It was either they cursed and quite literally fought each other, or they were giving tough advice and playing like competitive brothers. Eren scrunched his eyebrows giving jean a cut-throat stare to which jean chuckled “quite the opposite” y/n answered “I was doing my makeup” Jean looked back at her giving off a genuine smile “it looks good, you look like a fairy” smiling y/n informs him that's the look she was going for eren removed his arm from her shoulder to go get a drink.

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The emotion in his head was making him dizzy he felt jealous, lust, love everything all at once like a booster shot. His mind was shortly interrupted by a hug around his waist, the aroma clouded his mind yet again. “Hey darling” he expressed, using his two fingers to remove the hair from her lipgloss. “Hi! Baby” she smiled eren was caressing her face so delicately as if she was a glass vase. She was perfect in his eyes compared to the shit he's done in the past, she's innocent like a bunny.

But she's changed him for the better, grabbing her hand he twirls her around seeing her skirt follow in sync with her body the combat boots she wore with the lace socks popping out the blue glitter-laced tank top she was stunning today. Eren dipped his head into her neck leaving soft wet kisses onto her now burning skin, her fingers petting through his long chocolate locks. “I love you” eren repeats on his skin “I love you too” his emerald eyes sparkling under the led lights of the arcade. Eren forgot about the beverage he ordered until it was sat right in front of him.

“What did you get?” she asked, eren sips his drink trying to remember what he ordered under impulses “I think I ordered a jolly rancher drink, with vodka” she looked up at him as he tried a few more sips to conjure his memory. “Yeah, that's what it is” she tried to grab the straw to taste but eren just kissed her lips over and over.

“That's all you get to taste I'm not letting you drink” eren smirks when he sees her pout face, with his free hand he grabs hers telling her to lead them to the game she wants to play. Seeing a ghostbusters game she drags him in the booth. He loved the excitement on her face it meant he was doing an amazing job has a boyfriend and a friend to her, and that's all he ever wanted. “Baby, this is my favorite game, I used to play this all-time mainly by myself cause my old friends didn't like this game” Eren's blood started to boil at the mention of her old friends.

They were toxic, but y/n wanted to see the good in people even though it was hurting her deep inside. Eren couldn't sit and watch them destroy the person he loved, even though they were friends at the time. “Your old friends were walking disappointments, dare to look down upon someone else when they're no better” cupping his cheeks in one hand, she kissed him softly before softly tugging his lips between her teeth. Though he knew she meant it innocently to calm him down, it made him wanna swerve on the highway to get home.

“Calm down babe, I know you hate hearing about them, but trust me I'm happy with y'all” her smile gave eren goosebumps, every time he saw that smile he thought to himself ‘is it humanly possible to fall deeper in love? Even though you're wrapped around their finger?” eren kissed her forehead in response. “Cmon get ready for us to win” his competitive voice commended.

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After winning the ghostbusters game, here they were at a claw machine where eren was determined to getting y/n a plushie. “You know you don't have to right?” she reminded him but everyone knew, with eren video games and arcades meant competition in his mind. Even when he was courting y/n it was a competition in being a better person for her, changing his old ways. To stop drinking so much, missing out on college parties even though she told him he could. He loved her and wanted to be the best boyfriend he could. Watching as the claw landed on top of the smiling corgi with a strawberry hat on she gasped when it was dropped into the box.

“I remember you wanting this from last time we came here” smiling she stands on her toes to kiss him softly. “Thank you, baby” after all the fun was done y/n was sitting on Eren's lap in the booth while they ate nachos. Jean looked over Eren's shoulder to see an old friend of theirs also known as y/n’s ex. But eren was too busy talking about his college class with Armin. But y/n had a keen eye so she followed his and landed on the source, she knew better than to let eren find out so she turned back which caused eren to caress her thigh over his large hand. “Something the matter love?” he asks her “no baby, I just saw a motorcycle game that looked cool, but I'm getting tired now” she started picking the piece of cotton from his shirt out of his hair.

“Yeah me too, let's go home y'all” jean suggests, they all begin walking out of the arcade bidding goodbyes to everyone just what she was avoiding her ex parked right next to Eren's car. She looked up at him but his eyes were burning holes in his chest and her ex wasn't backing down either. “Hello, eren and y/n, you look beautiful y/n why didn't you dress like that when we were together?” he questioned, eren gave him a sharp knife gaze to which her ex chuckled.

“Take it easy, I can't compliment her? Is that a crime?” he jokes eren smugly leaned against his car and across his chest “no, but to watch you suffer I'd gladly catch a case” his devilish smirk cascaded across his face. Her ex started to tremble at the expression on her boyfriend's face y/n grabbed his hand “can we go home?” she asked politely “yeah, let's go home dear” the aggression in his voice sent rivers in between her legs and shivers down her spine. Opening the door for y/n she got in after letting out a soft sigh, ‘how long was I holding my breath?’ she thought to herself.

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Eren cranked up the car placing his hand on her inner thigh, but close to her weak spot, she didn't say anything just thinking maybe he was doing it by accident, but she didn't mind either. She was comfortable with eren she trusted him. His fingers slowly crawled up her thigh to the waistband, of her panties snapping them across her warm skin his fingers were frigid against hers, a low gasp left her lips when his fingers slipped into her fabric as two of them disappeared into her slit. Her eyes lolling back before he's done anything. “You know how patient I've been?” eren mumbles, y/n looks at him in utter confusion, all she could see was his firm sculptured jawline, the stubbles from his beard coming back.

“Since you came out that house, wearing this beautiful outfit, and your elegant makeup, I wanted to cancel on them and drag you right back into the house” removing his hand from her needy core he spreads her legs open with his free hand, before removing her panties and throwing them in the back seat. Her wet core exposed to the cold air made her squirm to feel anything as if eren could read her mind his index finger slid up and down her core feeling her walls clench in anticipation. “Pretty girl, got all dressed up you look so lovely, dress like this more often and ill reward you hm?” eren pinched her clit between his two fingers making her body twitch the gasp in her throat quickly turned into an air pocket. “You're so beautiful my dear, you want these fingers inside of you?”

“Please?” y/n begged, without further ado, he preps his two fingers coated in her lubrication before sliding them into her needy hole. Her short gasp fueling his desire for her. “Look at you, baby, a beautiful mess for me” eren looks in her direction at the red light to further pound her with his fingers, the palm of his hand slamming against her clit “faster..” she begs her body heat getting warmer by the second “your wish is my command babygirl” eren knew what he was doing saying that word. It was her weakness, eren sped up his fingers as he curled them inside her sloppy hole. The broken syllabus of her saying Eren's name, seeing her squirm next to him fueled him, even more, to just get home fast.

“Eren—I'm coming” her legs were shaking too close but eren pulled out followed by her whine, his glossed fingers smack her inner thigh “keep them open for me pretty girl hm?” he placed his fingers on her tongue as she sucked her flavor off his finger. “Okay,” she whines “good girl” eren praises her. His fingers engulf back into her hole the tender buzzing between her legs resurfaced and she was on edge again. Eren was fingering her faster than he was a moment ago, his left hand gripping the steering wheel as he speeds home to ravish her. “Fuck—” she whispered “you're going to come for me princess?” he asked, she whimpered a small yes feeling her legs trembling to his touch.

“Come for me beautiful” eren decrees, her body shuttered under the drastic sentiment of his fingers coddled inside of her. She couldn't keep her eyes open due to the shock going through her body. His fingers swiped her clit left and right to procure another orgasm out of her, her whimpers twisted into short pants brandishing his wrist with both of her hands after riding out her second orgasm he discarded his hands from her pulsing clit and walloped her essence off his fingers, her legs fastening right after. “Taste as good as you look, princess, you did well for me” smiling at her broken form he just couldn't wait to ravish her at home.

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Getting home eren wasted no time holding her over his shoulders making her giggle at how needy he is for her. Getting a vigorous glimpse at his leather seats they were lustrous but he didnt have the time or thought to do anything, that all she had to do was wear glittery eyeshadow to get him pungent and irked. Throwing his metallic keys in the receptacle he kicked off his shoes and omitted hers simultaneously. “I love you, you know that?” Eren murmurs before positioning her on the bed “yeah, and I love you more” he cupped her face as their inflamed lips adjoined for each other her nails stroking his stern arms before coiling them in his chocolate locks, strands of his hair mashing against her forehead making her smile into their fervent session. “You’re perfect” Eren mumbles in her neck, vacating humid elegant kisses on her susceptible skin, the forlorn pants and stubble weakness for attention made him sneer against her skin.

His fingers draped around her throat holding her in place as his lips suck softly on his skin, Eren wasn’t an aficionado of hickies, but he did cherish to give soft bites and pulls from his lips on her skin, every time he did it gave her goosebumps. His free hand floundering to get her bra off he latched it off in a matter of seconds, he enables her out of her clothes the nimble air blowing on her body as he clasped his hoodie from the peripheries and over his head. Y/n was enthralled by his sculpted body, his abs defined all the way down to his v-line. “See something you relish princess?” His tongue cascade against his lower lip. “I see something I love” Eren grins “you’re cute” grabbing her by the ankles he heaved her towards the edge of the bed both of her legs upon his shoulder.

Frittering no time Eren hauled his tongue up her folds teasing her, while her head inundated in the pillow reaching out for his hands. Clutching her hand into his, while his tongue swirled around her folds already feeling unstable. Eren invariably said he could devour her for weeks and would never get depleted, now he was eating like he was famished weaving his tongue between her folds his green eyes looked Into her eyes with ardor and fascination, her legs coercing to close when he altered the pattern of his tongue to quick flicks.

She strived to say his name but was ceased by his lips engulfing her clit as he executed zigzags her mouth agape for seconds before she divulged all down his chin fidgeting for something to mellow her down. Eren wasn’t going to let her run away from her fourth orgasm so he dragged her in closer and inserted his fingers into her slowly. “Good girl princess” he gripes across her thighs, sweet kisses to her trembling thighs made him smile, hoisting his head up his fingers swirl inside of her repeatedly peaking at her g-spot. “Going to give me another one princess? Or better yet how about I make you squirt hm?” His eyes drifted darker, they were no longer a sour apple, they resemble the pine trees. “I can’t—“ she smothered grabbing his wrist with both of her hands.

She could feel the knot expanding in her stomach the pressure and feeling to squirt all over his hand along with the overstimulation made her shiver to the touch. “Yes, you can beautiful” Eren cupped her face in his free hand placing endearments on her lips and crown of her head. “Let me see that luxurious face as you soak up the sheets, let daddy discover it baby” his free hand encircled around her neck adding no pressure just to hold her in place. The tones of his palm slapping against her throbbing weak spot. Her pants were getting abrupter and tighter but her moans enhanced almost screaming out Eren's name and some mishandled cursed words. Her liquid soaking up Eren's v-line and mattress.

“Look at you, baby you’re so stunning darling” her drowsy face as her eyes started to cross, as she could see through her hooded eyelashes was Eren coming to land soft kisses on her forehead. Her body felt paralyzed she never knew she could do that. And Eren was the only one to get her to do it. She senses the weight of the bed sink next to her grinning she whirls over, solely to maintain his hand on her midriff and her thighs by his ears. Her hand striking the headboard for support, she didn’t know what he was doing candidly she thought he was complacent, not announcing she wasn't.

He pulled her waist sitting her down on his face, his tongue grazed over her folds making her twinge, “Eren..” she let out desperately “I may suffocate you” she weakly notified him, all distress left her mind once his hand clashed with her ass. Biting her lower lip she sat on his face thoroughly as he rumbled in happiness. She snickered at how much he’s enjoying this, it’s something new for the both of them. Trudging her folds on his tongue she glimpsed down at him seeing the fulfillment in his eyes she extracted the fringes of his hair from his glossy forehead. The traction drove her eccentric she needed more from him, placing his fingers on her bud he stimulated her at the pace she was moving. Which made her more frantic.

Her head lolled back desperately wanting more, she sped up for rhythm as Eren followed in pursuit, becoming greedy with his touch, she was approaching her now fifth? Sixth? Orgasm? She lost count after she left the car. Her forehead firmly pressed against the headboard has she comes undone. Eren cleaned her like a dinner plate he didn’t want any of her Essences to drop. Helping her up he lays her on her stomach, perching her ass up to him. He knew this would ultimately destroy her after they were through but he didn’t care.

She looked beautiful today. His tip taunting her entrance she moaned for him, “I hear you babygirl” his hand collided with her ass leaving a stubble print, her fingers grabbed purchase of the sheets when he rammed himself in without reluctance her toes spiraling until she fully adjusted to his expanse. Sex with Eren was either arduous or delicate, with no in-between. “Look at you taking all of me, lovely girl” fastening his hands around her waist the pitches of his low wails made her clench around him, his waistline hitting against her. She was a whimpering predicament underneath him as he demolished her for what felt like the tenth time.

Skin to skin colliding with the mixture of Eren's dirty talk, and her soft moans she tried to comprise, Eren wanted her to be loud, damn what their neighbors said he wanted to give it to her till she couldn’t fight it. “Cmon baby, utilize your words” he roared at her through his clenched cheeks, the repulse of his body denouncing against her as he continued to ravage her, “let me and the neighborhood hear those delightful little moans” he grabbed her hair placing her head on his shoulder for support as he placed delicate kisses upon her forehead. He slowly placed her back on the bed before he completely drilled her endlessly, she was now on the horizon of crying out his name out, her moans were boisterous than before, if someone didn’t know better they would’ve thought she was shouting for aid.

“Atta girl” Eren facilitated her, her body was simmering as the beads of sweat crept down her shoulder and onto the bed, he adored that face she makes when he ignites her into subspace, he hoists her fully one time holding his length inside of her, she gasped for air as her body started shuddering at the pressure. “Fuck..” was all she could let out as she came undone.“Pretty girl, you’d let me know if I’m being too harsh right?” Eren inquired out of serendipity, all y/n could do was nod. His lips kissed her temple down to her lips in a delicate manner “promise? I need words princess” he uttered in her ear. “Yes,” she let out in the form of a hum.

“Good, I don’t wanna hurt you, or get greedy just because you’re not saying anything okay? I love you” Eren soothed her, “I love you more” y/n responded. Eren slid his length out slowly as she whimpered from her high “sensitive aren't we?” He quips she turns over on her stomach to throw her arms around his neck he kissed her lips softly to savor every feeling he has right now. She wasn’t emigrating anywhere but he certainly kissed her like she was leaving tomorrow. Feeling her hand traversing to his member she brings in closer until he’s halfway inside of her. “You didn’t come” her eyes sparkled into his, the fingertips that were on her cheeks were now In her hair.

“This isn’t too much for you?, honestly just made this about you and how beautiful you looked today” Eren questions her, followed by a short ramble. “this is just perfect, this about us baby I love you” y/n giggles, Eren pressed his forehead against hers “m’kay, I love you more” Eren took the more vigorous approach, soft but drilling strokes, as much as he rushed it now he wanted to admire her. The way her eyebrows pleated when he strike the right spot, the way her lower lip fit merely prudent in between her teeth, the way she nestled his face in her hands, the strings of her hair attaching to her forehead he loved it, he’s never cherished someone as much as her. Picking up the momentum slowly his pants inaugurates to become in unison with hers the smirk on his face when his fingers flickered her bud his nose dusting against her neck.

“Come with me goddess,” he said in her neck, her nails digging into his back, she held on for dear life, her face plunged into his neck as she came, and he withdrew and did the same. Once his eyes were now on her she titters at his handsome crisp green eyes “Eren you’re so beautiful” he derides before kissing her temple. “That’s my line, I may have to litigate you” his craggy voice echoes from the bathroom, with her eyes close she shook at the touch of a calm cloth. “Shh, no ones here” he kidded, y/n smacked him with a pillow before giggling “such a fucking cocky bastard” Eren climbed on top of her “and you love it” he kissed her nose before presenting her his shirt as he put on sweatpants.

“Danger!” She screamed, Eren swiveled his eyes knowing precisely what she meant “don’t fret I’ll take you in the shower darling” y/n eyes enlarged as he pulled her back into his chest “respectfully of course” Eren gleamed in her hair before closing his eyes. “Maybe I should do red glimmer for the party on Wednesday”

“You’ll have to cancel right now if that’s your scheme, cause you’re not leaving you know how red gets me” he laughed, but his tone was far from a hoax “maybe I don’t wanna go” she chortles turning into his chest her nose prickled his collarbone, “deal” he smiled smoothing her shoulders in a circular motion.

“I love you Eren” she grumbled

“I love you more y/n”

♡ ·  ·  ·  · ────•.°本°.•──── ·  ·  ·  · ♡

[eternalflxmes]

// bruh this started off as a incorrect quote post. it turned into a sob drabble.

"Shen listen, your parents loved you.” the Soothsayer said, with a genuine tone.

The peacock lord scoffed, his gaze fixated to empty space as he narrowed his dark brows. "Funny. I did not feel the love growing up. Was I blind to see it? Or perhaps they only cared for me since they considered me too weak and pitiful?”

He felt a lump in his throat. He hated feeling this way. Scowling as he pushed his emotions away.

He will never comprehend the idea of his parents truly loving him.

To their eyes, Shen was born as a defect, an *almost* perfect child. Him being born with snow-white plumage---a color very much associated with death in China---as a result to leucism. On the day he was brought to the world, his parents were relieved, but scared. Shen was born sick, it took so long for him to come out of that egg, his mother and father presumed he wasn’t going to make it. 

And since then, the peacock royals knew they won’t have a strong, healthy baby boy as they both wished to be. They pitied his weakness. 

His mother cried nightly as she prayed to her ancestors for her son to heal.

He felt like there were times they discussed taking him to the orphanage behind his back. Maybe he misheard them, but Shen wouldn’t be surprised if this was a topic that has been brought up in their hushed conversations in twilight hours. They didn’t know how to take care of him, how to handle the problems that he caused. 

Truly, they were confused and unsure how to raise their troubled son. This is where Soothsayer came in, as she brought forth methods to at least keep the boy living and on his feet. He hates to admit it, but it was his childhood nanny whom he was able to talk to more comfortably, spend more time with, to be treated just like anyone else. It was Soothsayer who practically raised him from the get-go.

As for Shen, he felt like he was fine, he didn’t need so much of this special attention. He’d become a bit annoyed at it as it felt like his own self-reliance and freedom was being held by the throat, but gently, with care---too much care.

Because of this, the young peacock began to dislike his parents. Yes, they loved him, sometimes let him play as they discussed important matters in the meeting room. But the bad outweighed the good. It left a bad taste in his mouth.

The feeling Shen felt was...strained. And it only grow increasingly stronger as he got older. The emotional outbursts became more frequent, running to his room with angry tears stinging his eyes, rage fits as he cursed himself for existing.

He was never beaten, nor abused. But it was the feeling of mistrust, abandonment--yet overprotection---and distanced affection is that brought the young peacock to a conclusion that his parents secretly hated him.

Shen lifted his empty gaze as he side eyed his childhood nanny, she was still there. His eyes stung.

He quickly diverted showing his face. His chest hurt from the memories resurfacing. If only...if only. Closing his eyes as he felt his mouth tremble slightly. 

“They did everything they could, Shen.”

His eyes shot wide open. The thoughts running at full speed in his head came to a screeching halt, he sucked in to what was an oncoming sob, suddenly all he felt was cold, undoubtful anger.

He sucked in his breath, lifting up his posture as he tore away any little microsopic remorse he may have left in him for his parents.

“No. No they did not. They did everything to scar me for life. They raised a demon. One that will destroy everything that they considered proud of- since they already destroyed their own beloved creation.”

[watching-pictures-move]

Put On Your Raincoats #28 | American Babylon (Watkins, 1985)

Roger Watkins spent most of his career making pornos, something which he apparently hated, and in American Babylon he turns that hatred directly at the audience. The movie is about two bozos. Losers. Schlubs. One of them, played by Bobby Astyr, spends his days doing little but watching pornography, oblivious to his surroundings and annoyed by interruptions. When his wife steps in front of the projector, he grouses at her to get out of the way. "Evaporate, Joan!" The other, played by Michael Gaunt, is weak-willed, easily goaded into doing or saying anything, whatever is the path of least resistance. Neither Astyr nor Gaunt are what you'd call conventionally attractive, and combined, they are some of the least flattering portraits of masculinity to grace the screen. I read somewhere that the popularity of unattractive men in straight porn is to help the target audience relate more easily to the proceedings. Watkins brings into focus the implied contempt in that trope.

As someone who spent a non-zero amount of time over the last year delving into vintage pornography, this movie hit a little close to home. When Astyr starts critiquing the camera angles in the movie he's watching, I felt personally attacked. Astyr's choice of entertainment here is in the form of plotless reels with titles like Teenage Pigmeat in Heat, a film by Bernard America, and Butt Girls in Bondage, directed by Hank Packard (which sounds like a dig at Henri Pachard's pretentious porn name), and starring Lonnie Lee as the Butt Girl. Astyr appears to be getting off on their dehumanizing quality ("Hey Robert, I just realized something. They don't show anybody's faces in this movie." "Of course not, it's so much better that way, it could be anybody.") The reels are shot in cold, sterile black-and-white, their mise-en-scene (power tools, gym equipment) suggesting a parody of masculinity. (I admit I was a little concerned when the male performer was firing a blowtorch in the direction of the female performer while they engaged in sexual congress.) Watkins had been steadily removing any sense of warmth or eroticism from his sex scenes, but also seems aware of the limitations of this approach (especially when you cast a performer like Taija Rae, sporting a lady mullet, hubba hubba). His critique seems targeted at the genre as a whole, which despite the level of artistry it can contain (and I'm very much on the side of pornographic films being artistically worthwhile), is ultimately in the service of prurient interests, but in retrospect, feels prescient of the kind of gonzo pornography that would become the norm in the decades that followed. There's no need for plot, character, warmth, humanity, just body parts mashing against each other. That Astyr is seen usually in a raincoat and motorcycle helmet drives the point home.

Gaunt's character is depicted just as brutally but with a bit more humour. This is a guy whose most strenuous decision in his marriage (and source of tension with his wife) is whether or not he'll drink his milk. (His wife, seen topless and in panties and heels, in a skewering of genre demands, leaves him an angry note: "P.S. Drink your milk".) Astyr's wife, played by Tish Ambrose, in need of the kind of intimacy she doesn't get from her husband, sees Gaunt as an easy mark and sets up a rendezvous at a country western bar. Their exchange and her attempt at seduction are telling.

"You strike me as the kind of guy who's good at taking orders."

"Yeah, I guess so, my wife thinks so anyway."

"You want something to drink?"

"Yeah, I guess so, my wife thinks so anyway."

"I'm not wearing any underwear."

"I beg your pardon."

"The only thing separating skirt and my quivering pussy is a layer of air. What do you think of that?"

"Me? I don't know what to think."

Gaunt reveals a talent for physical comedy with his gawking, indecisive face during their tryst, his slapstick-like scramble out of his clothes, his dash with an empty cup as part of his excuse sneak out for another tryst ("I told my wife I was coming over to borrow a cup of sugar"), and his nervous patting of strap-on before he excuses himself out of a threesome. One encounter occurs when watching a porno with Astyr, who seems entirely oblivious to what's going on right beside him but also happy to have them around. ("My best friend and my best wife, finally taking an interest in my one true passion.") Their attempts at bonding seem self-defeating from both directions, as when Astyr tries to initiate a heart-to-heart, it's not clear how truthful Astyr's tale of young love or his recollection of a threesome that sounds suspiciously like one of his movies and the one Gaunt partook in. ("They were sisters, Thomas, sisters! That's what they told me afterwards. They might have been lying of course, It's human nature to lie.") When the visual style switches over to those of his movies, the indictment is complete, but in the final ten minutes, the movie finds something of an emotional core with a montage (Menopausal Males in Bondage) that recontextualizes the proceedings from Ambrose's perspective, while dissolving the boundaries between Astyr, Gaunt, and their porno movies. A beret and checked coat, first sported by Taija Rae, helps provide a visual throughline.

While I won't deny that the kind of masculinity exemplified by the protagonists, while flawed, feels a lot more benign than the kind of toxic masculinity that's been the focus of modern discourse, the laser focus of Watkins' indictment makes the movie work. Where the movie is less cogent but admirably bold is in situating its protagonists and their pathetic suburban existence as some kind of endpoint for American civilization. The opening credits have illustrations of historical images, evangelical radio is heard on and off throughout the movie, and after the aforementioned montage, the film closes with "American the Beautiful". In a brief but forceful sequence, we hear news of Lee Harvey Oswald's murder by Jack Ruby, Walter Mondale's acceptance speech at the 1984 DNC ("Mr. Reagan calls it "tokenism". We call it America.") and the bombing of North Vietnam, while Gaunt's wife (seen again in the nude, to sate the horndogs) fires a shotgun and the screen cuts to black. Watkins produces a passage from "The Harlot's House" by Oscar Wilde to drive home the sense of finality. ("The dead are dancing with the dead, the dust is whirling with the dust.") The protagonists' suburban homes are presented effectively as purgatorial spaces, captured in cold, isolating cinematography by Larry Revene, who had collaborated previously with Watkins on Corruption and Midnight Heat. Like the latter, I watched this in a not very nice video-sourced transfer, although it didn't seem quite as detrimental here (aside from the terrible audio quality, which made Gaunt's whistling sound like nails on a chalkboard). The look of the movie is effectively sterile, with a heavy reliance of moody bluish lighting that comes through even in a less pristine copy. (I understand that this didn't play theatrically, so I'm willing to limit my complaining.) It's also worth noting that while not detrimentally so to the film's overall argument, I did find Astyr's porno movies stylish in their way, and that I was not immune to the charms of Taija Rae, particularly with the beret and lady mullet I alluded to earlier. Folks, I'm not made of stone.

[yandere-society]

The Ultimatum

Synopsis: Valentine’s Day has rolled around once again, and just like last year, you plan on spending it with none other than your emotional support dog. What you don’t know, however, is that you have an unexpected visitor awaiting for you at home.. and not only does he have a loaded gun on his hip, but he also has your beloved pet in his lap.

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

Word Count: 6,000

Admin: @tatertotthethot​

Valentine’s Day Event Masterlist

Trigger warnings: yandere-themes, signs/mentioning of mental disorders such as: anxiety, depression, PTSD and dissociation; Mentions of gang violence; Depictions of gore; nonconsentual kissing (nothing sexual); no dogs were harmed in the making of this…

“Here you go, guys.” You said as you handed the couple across the counter their drinks. You returned their smiles and bid them a good day, but as soon as they turned away and linked their fingers together on the way out, your expression settled into one of disdain.

Baley, your manager, noticed it. But like always, she chose to ignore it. She’s very much use to your secretive, albeit bitter distaste towards romance. She’s been working along side you for two years now, and knows that you’re a big advocate for holiday decorations. You’ve decked the place out on Halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas— even fucking Saint Patrick’s day. But for Valentine’s Day, all you did was slap some heart shaped stickers on the window and didn’t even look too happy to be doing that, either. But she’s never been one to push.

“Guess what I’m doing this evening,” She hinted, hanging the ‘closed’ sign on the door.

“Hm?” You asked, having zoned out while rinsing your shot glasses out.

“I’m gonna eat the rest of my edibles and read some alien erotica.”

Not expecting anything less from her, given her personality, you only choked out a laugh and shook your head. It’d be more amusing if you knew she wasn’t kidding. Baley has a weird obsession with aliens and you never took her serious about it until you bought her a tentacle dildo as a gag-gift on her birthday, and instead of laughing about it and going off into a banter like you were anticipating, she started screaming and jumping up and down like you just handed her the last Golden Ticket to the fucking chocolate factory.

“What about your boyfriend?” You asked, forcing yourself to engage in conversation to keep you from spiraling.

“He’s out of town. So I’ll be thinking of him as I read about the alien king abducting me and using my tenta-holes—“

“Never mind.” You cut her off, trying to let that lighten up the mood. You appreciated the effort, but it didn’t work. You just wanted today to be over.

It’d be a whole lot better if only you could tell her the truth and come clean about your past. But it’s not like she’d believe you, even if you had the guts. But in all honesty, her fantasy about alien abduction was more believable.

You’re a barista making $10 an hour, living paycheck to paycheck and inhabiting the house your grandmother left you in her will. You have no car, you rely on public transportation; all your clothes are from goodwill and when you’re not working at this shop, you spending your life in confinement of those walls with your dog, as a recluse.

If you even dared to tell Baley that, just three years ago, you were living in a million-dollar mansion in South Korea, and had a luxurious wardrobe from big-name designers and that you didn’t even own a pair of fucking socks that were under $100.. she’d look at you as if you were the alien. She wouldn’t entertain the bigger half of the story, about how you were engaged to a man who’s now serving a life sentence and could possibly be put on death row for committing a robbery that left one of the international banking systems short 23-million won— which would amount to be approximately 20 million dollars in America... you would’ve lost her at the word Fiancé.

It’d be easy to prove, though. Your associations to the crime may not show up in your background check, being as you’re back here in America and was never detained, and the news isn’t relevant enough to circulate here. However, a simple google search would reveal it all, even with pictures of you two in public.

But not even you wanted to look up his name to know what was going on with his case. You were still ambient to forget about him, in a way. You wanted to ignore his existence. You fucking loath that man.. you swear, you do.

You had fallen back into a brooding silence again without even meaning to, and although you were busily cleaning up off muscle memory, you were detached. He still has that effect on you. And truth be known, the first year you spent in lonesome isolation after leaving Korea was just a change of scenery but not very different from the lifestyle he had subjected you to. But even still, it was so much better than living with him at the estate. And now, with your dog Sweetpea there, you feel safe again. At least you were in the same place you grew up, and felt closer to your grandmother—

Fuck, you missed her so much. He wouldn’t even let you visit her in person before she past. The man owned his own private jet and it never had any maintenance problems until the one fucking night you needed to go back home. You only got to speak with her on the phone, and bawled your fucking eyes out and spewed out an incoherent apology just hours before her heart gave out. That’s when she told you that she left you the house, and how sorry she was for kicking you out of it because you didn’t pursue the career field she wanted you to go for.

If only they would’ve arrested Taehyung a month prior, you could’ve been there for her. You could’ve hugged her and the two of you could given each other the apology you both deserved.

“Hey..” Baley’s voice suddenly came to your left ear, the only one that you could actually hear out of. Your right one, despite being 80% deaf even with a functioning hear aid, was faintly ringing from the emotional tangent you had accidentally drifted into.

You looked over at her, and broke down. Although she could never fully understand, she still gave you an empathetic frown and was pulling you into a hug before you could sputter out an apology— not that there was any use for one.

You had secrets that still haunted you, and will always impair your daily life— much like your botched eardrum and this shitty device you spent way too much money on. That’s another thing you only had Kim Taehyung to thank for, along with your fucked up shoulder.

You had to carefully elevate your arms but eventually returned the hug and cried a little harder, not able to help it. Sweetpea was a great reciprocate for affection and did a swell job with distracting you, but as far as human comfort goes, you haven’t had so much as that in.. well, seven fucking years. Tae was always big on affection, and also comforted you when you needed it. But it was redundant and didn’t have a sincere effect, being as he was the very one that initially caused the hurt it derived from.

“I don’t know what the hell is going on with you, I never do... but I want you to know that I can see how strong you are. You’re doing a great job at making it through each day...” she muttered, rubbing your back as it shook with each silent sob. You felt bad when you heard her own voice beginning to thicken, but that was no surprise. She was a sympathizer and a little bit emo in general. Seeing others cry was enough to jerk a tear out of her, and you loved that about her. She’s a weirdo, but she’s pure, and she’s very good hearted. You could even say that you may have deeper feelings for her as well, and they may even be mutual, but you were no good for her. Hell, you were already putting her in enough danger just by being an employee at her shop. If you were to let your relationship stem past being friendly coworkers, or even hung out with her outside of work, that could pose an actual threat to her safety.

So, even though you wanted to lengthen the embrace, and longed to tighten your arms around her even more, you pulled back and wiped at your face, giving her a weak grin and a nod instead.

She squeezed your shoulders one last time before taking a step back, recollecting herself.

“You go home. I got everything else.”

You sheepishly nodded again, thanking her one last time before collecting your things and booking it out of there. Had you not felt so broken and defeated in that moment, you would’ve refused. But her show of affection triggered a deep, dire need to give and be given more comfort.

Fortunately for you, though, you had a special someone for that. Your dog is the only living creature on this planet that can be trusted with the revelations of your past. She’s the only reliance you have for receiving unconditional love and support without any judgment... probably because she doesn’t even understand what the fuck you’re saying half the time, nor can she repeat the shit you say, but as far as comfort goes, it’s always a guarantee.

— That’s just in her nature, like most pets. Pitbulls, however, are very sensitive and attentive to certain emotions— especially depression and anxiety. They’re just as good with protecting their owners, as well as they are with babysitting them. Everyone knows pitbulls have a notorious and misguided reputation for being aggressive. But little do most know, before dog fighting became a popular thing and defamed their personalities, pitbulls were primarily referred to as ‘Nanny dogs’. They’re great with babies in general, and very domestic and charismatic by nature. But despite being big, loveable goof balls themselves, they can literally sense stressful emotions and will know what type action to take in order to sedate them.

Sweetpea may not have professional training and certification but it is by her true nature and personality that you call her an Emotional Support Dog. When you’re having another one of your episodes— panic attacks, senseless paranoia, nightmares— she’s running to your aid and doing anything she can to distract and get you to play with her. When you’re depressed and spiraling into another breakdown, she licking at your face and sitting in your lap, not even seeing the problem with her being three times bigger than the average lap dog—

“Kneehemplamaforseeking?”

You sucked in a breath and blinked over at the PetsMart employee, smiling a few away from you. You probably looked lost, and in a way you quite literally were. You hardly remember walking in the direction of this store, let alone entering it. But this a common thing for you, so you easily just went on about your way despite the sudden worry of missing your bus... again.

“I’m sorry, what’d you say?” You had asked, turning your good ear towards her and watching her lips move.

“Do you need help looking for something?” She repeated, carefully annunciating her words this time, now that she could see the device in your ear. In today’s age, most people mistake it as a bluetooth— which has unknowingly saved you from accidentally talking to yourself in public, more than you would know.

You shook your head in response to the lady, and checked the time on your phone. You had 30 minutes left, thank God.

“No thanks. I’m just here to get some treats and waste some time before my bus comes. It’s windy as hell outside.”

“Ah, it certainly is,” she agreed, making her way to the next aisle. “Be safe out there!”

“I’ll try.” You muttered to yourself, grabbing a bag of bacon strips off the shelf— the very thing you had ultimately came for. It should’ve taken you no more than 5 minutes to grab and go. But it wasn’t uncommon for you to take much longer and aimlessly wonder down multiple aisles only to get one or two things from the same aisle, though. You do it at every store you go to, if you can stand to be outside of your home or away from work.

After checking out, you made it a mission to stay present until your bus came. By the time you got home, you were more stable.. up until the bus driver— a sweet elderly man who’s been transporting you on this route for last couple of years, handed you a rose on your way down the stairs.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, young lady.”

You had the strength to give him a genuine smile, but as soon as you stepped off and the doors closed, and the bus engine picked back up and left you with a gust of wind, you broke again.

Taehyung always gave you a bouquet of blood red roses for Valentine’s Day. He knew you were a sucker for them. And you still are, but sentiment wasn’t the only emotion to come now. They brought on an ache. A pain. A worry. A twinge of longing, but a fuckton of resentment.

You wanted to throw it on the ground and stomp at it.. better yet, you wanted to set it on fire and watch it burn while smoking a much needed cigarette. But first, you need to see your dog. You know she’s just as anxious to see you.

You trudged up to your door and was quick to unlock it... but frowned when you didn’t see her on the other side. Maybe it was because your ears were ringing again from how worked up you’d just gotten. But usually, the mere sound of your key twisting at the lock would have her running to the and practically beating it down, and you’d opened to see her gleefully wining out and wagging her tail.

But she wasn’t there.

“Sweetpea?” You called out, making it a point to swing the door shut behind you. Still, nothing—

Whimpering. You heard her whimpering and your head snapped over to the hallway. Your heart began to race. Your bed door was open, as always, and you could hear her in there but she wasn’t coming out. Only whimpering for you to come to her.

Fearing the worst, thinking perhaps she’d hurt herself to the extent that she couldn’t move, you barged down the hallway and listened with a sickening sense of uneasiness as her whimpering turned to muffled howls.

“Sweetpea, wha—“

You screamed. Sheer horror and white-hot adrenaline erupted through your veins and scorched your nerve endings, leaving you numb in the limb to the impact of the floor beneath your kneecaps. All you could feel was the volcanic eruption of despair in your chest and the strain in your diaphragm.

Sweetpea was okay, but very much in danger. She had a muzzle on, and her big, canopy-like ears were peeled back and her big, doughy eyes were wildly beading dead at you as she struggled and pawed at the carpet, watching you fall to you fall out. She was so worried to get to you but she couldn’t, do to the death grip of the man who was holding her by a leash. She couldn’t even interpret the lethality of the weapon that was also aimed at the back of her head— a glock you specially recall being the weapon of choice when Taehyung pistol whipped a man’s head open before emptying all twelve rounds in his magazine into his face.

Now, all you could envision was the same being done to that sweet face and big, bulbous head.

You screamed out and wailed even louder, not even looking at the intruder or registering who it was. Because you already fucking knew and in your mind it was too late.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” He roared, making you and Sweetpea flinch. You stopped screaming but your breath was ragged beyond your control. Your vision was bouncing between his fierce scowl and Sweetpea’s fearsome one. You dove forward, intending to crawl and beg but two pairs of shoes stepped out from where they’d been standing behind the door, and their hands gripped you by the biceps before hauling you up to your feet. You didn’t even try to resist them. You knew better than that. But fear still had you discombobulated and speaking out to yourself, feeling incredibly dizzy and disarrayed.

“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!”

“You’re not dreaming.” Taehyung snarled, palm itching to slap some sense into you. But even within the three years he’s spent in bitterness, it didn’t change the morality he did have in relations to you. He’d never hit you out of anger.

But then he realized the real reason why you were saying that, when your knees suddenly gave out and the hold his men had on you became the only thing keeping you up right as you fainted out. He didn’t realize you still had that problem, and it hurt him to see that now.

Back when he had you in his possession, you had accidentally witnessed an execution down in the basement of his mansion. It was the first time you fainted, a d your body came toppling down a good ten-or-so steps, which were made of cement, and you were lucky to have only broken your nose and dislocated your shoulder.

Guilt crashed over him, suddenly. He meant to terrorize you in a way that wasted little time to gain submission, but he didn’t mean to trigger your PTSD— although he knew it was likely. Given the resolve, he put the gun back in its holster and stood up, beckoning for Yoongi to take the leash. Jungkook easily held you up by the waste and waited to pass you off to your fiancé before bringing your wrists behind your back. You slowly came to as he did so, and your head lolled back up only for your entire body to snap back into attention all at once, now that you were face to face with the Devil himself.

“Come on, you fucking idiot!”

Your head snapped over and you began to panic again as Yoongi fought with your, trying to drag her over to her cage by the leash. She was putting up one hell of a fight and audibly wheezing from the choke, her eyes now bulging as she looked at you.

You bucked against the both of them, your maternal instincts causing you to go feral as you saw red.

“QUIT! YOU’RE FUCKING CHOKING HER, YOU FUCKING PRICK! PICK HER UP!”

“She’s too squirmy!” He shouted back, the shock of your outburst causing him to lose tension and Sweetpea lunged the both of them forward. Tae was shouting at Jungkook to hurry with the restraints and squeezing you tighter, but you were kicking and flailing like a fish out of water now.

“MAKE HIM STOP!” You cried out, but was forcefully silenced by the gigantic hand that grabbled around the entire bottom half of your face— including your nose. Having been in this situation before, knowing his antics, you knew he wasn’t going to let you breathe again until you did as told. So you were forced to settle down but was still desperately pleading with your eyes, crying as your dog continued to heave against the menstruations.

“Yoongi, for fuck sake, the dog is 50 pounds. Just pick her up and put your in the kennel.” Tae stressed, eyes still locked with yours.

With a grunt, Yoongi tackled your dog and trapped her in a bear hug, snatching her up off the ground. You wanted to scream at him again but you were actually starting to struggle for oxygen, chest jolting with an involuntary attempts to inhale.

“Alright, they’re on. I just gotta link them.”

Tae’s hand finally dropped and you hacked out, swallowing as much air as you could. Now that Sweetpea was safely in her cage, you had time to worry about your own safety, but the look on his face wasn’t giving off such a merciful vibe.

“You do whatever you want to me. I don’t care. I won’t fight back... but if you hurt my dog—“

“If I hurt your fucking dog, it’ll just be tough shit for you. I’ll still do whatever the hell I want and unless you need me to prove that, I suggest you stop with ultimatums..” he chuckled, but it sounded so cold and twisted. He was on the verge of snapping, and was fighting to keep as much composure as he could right now, for your sake.

But he was on a heist right now, you readied yourself for the unknown when he punctuated his sentence by grappling your throat with the same, vandalized and accessorized hand he just smothered you with— fingers digging in at the sides. Your breathing was once again constricted and your eyes reddened in strain, your voice dying out.

Tae may not beat you, but he knows your worse fear is dying by suffocation. Hence, why he’s so big in breath play.

“Can you?” He reiterated, snarling his teeth at you and revealing the top and bottom pair of golden, fang-shaped plates framing his pearly white canine teeth. Back in the day, you found them so extravagant and tasteful, but now you found them all the more threatening.

He waited until your eyes began fluttered back before letting go again, and Jungkook’s body was the only thing that saved you from falling back. You never understood why, but for some reason, Jungkook was the only person Tae allowed to be in closer range of you, even when it wasn’t necessary. He even reminded you of that when Yoongi had stepped a little too close and Taehyung shot a glare over to him that had him taking a couple steps back. But Jungkook was apparently free to stand there, holding you up even as you regained your footing. You feared that one day it will all make sense, but for now, you were thankful that he was there to at least to save you from collapsing.

It’d be great if they weren’t even fucking here, at all.

“Go put the kennel in the car— not on the seats, though. Hobi will kill me if I fuck up the interior.”

“Please let me rehouse her.” You begged, cringing as his eyes returned to you. They looked even more colorless than before. “I’ll come with you, but I don’t want her there with us.”

“She’s fine. As long as she doesn’t shit and piss everywhere and doesn’t chew any of my shit, or try to attack me, I’ll let you keep her.”

“You were just holding a fucking gun to her head, Taehyung. Please let me rehouse her. My friend Baley will take her. All I gotta do is leave her in the cafe with a note— I have the keys. I’ll even let you write the fucking note yourself and we can go...” It was significantly getting harder to speak, now that your airways were irritated and your unsteady emotions were only making it worse.

You had already accepted your fate, but had a twinge of hope left that he’d at least hear you out on that request. His features had softened into a crestfallen display of guilt, and remorse. But your faith in him shattered all over again when he stubbornly shook his head and reached for the gun again. You were just about to throw another fit until he pulled the magazine out and showed it to you.

It was empty, until he pocketed it and pulled out a fully-loaded one and clipped it into place, before putting it back in the holster.

He tricked you, and although it was still pretty fucking evil, you were relieved. He never intended to shoot her and wouldn’t have been able to, even if his finger applied enough pressure on the trigger. But you were still very much in the midst of an abduction, and you still hated this man for what he was doing to you now.

“Why are here?” You croaked.

“To come get you and our new pet,” he announced, faking the enthusiasm before reinforcing his glare. “I’m... incredibly pissed about the fact that abandoned me.. but even more so offended by the negligence to stay updated.”

His eyes then caught the flash of a blue light at your ear. Your hearing aid was dying and faintly peeping in your ear. The remembrance had his entire demeanor shift to a sullen one, like a switch.

“But at the same time—“ his voice had fallen into a lower pitch, almost to the point of being a whisper as he stepped closer and easily molded his hands around your face. You suddenly felt fragile, but not in a way that made you giddy, like it use to. Now, you had to swallow down the bile in your throat and fight against the nausea as his suddenly lips came near.

“—It’s really hard take that out on you, when I can’t even blame you for it. But It’s been three fucking years, honey. Three. How could you not even have enough concern for my well being, to not even send a fucking post card? Did you really think you‘d never see me again, and that you had snuck away from me? I knew what you were doing, and where you were going before you even boarded your fucking flight.”

“You’re suppose to be in jail. I thought you were letting me go.”

“First of all, you didn’t even know the original plan to think that it had failed. All my charges have been dropped and the suspicion of my involvement dismissed. Namjoon has been found guilty and is now serving that sentence, like I had initially plotted from the beginning. You never knew shit to fucking assume anything!”

You glared at him despite the jolt that came with his drastic notch in volume, and not your tongue as he went on.

“But I did allow you to leave the country, but only to give you space and to let you touch base with... whatever the fuck it is that you still find valuable here. I didn’t think I’d have to clarify the circumstances of your stay, but for you to not even reach out.. and the fact you got some shitty, minimum wage job on top of it all, when you still have access to the saving account I’ve put in your name.. You really thought we were over? You haven’t even checked the news articles to see any updates on the case. I’ve been out for a week!”

He was still holding your face but his hands were shaking and the pressure was increasing again. He always pulls back and regains control over his temper before inflicting harm, but it’d be foolish to not expect him to one day lose that control. He’s hurt you on ‘accident’ before. He’s slaughtered many people, more than you’ll ever know to keep count. Nothing is sacred.

But now, you are a lot more contempt and able to tolerate the fear of him hurting you on impulse, being as Sweetpea was out of harms way and no longer in the room. You were still shaking though and had closed your eyes, bracing for it. But the jerk of shock only came when his suddenly lips covered your’s, and Jungkook finally backed away.

The kiss only lasted about three solid seconds before he pulled back, and was heavily panting through his nose. You dared to look up and caught a glimpse of the physical pain marring his features. His eyes had gone watery and his jaw began ticking like a time bomb, nostrils flaring and chest rising. He pressed his forehead against your’s and snaked his fingers into the hair at the nape of your neck, trying to fight off his own sobs and choking on them more and more with each second.

“You hate me.. you haven’t even missed me.” His voice was so thickened by his emotions that it deepened the natural richness he already had, making it sound contorted and almost inhuman. A tear dropped down his nose bridge and hit your quivering lips, and for the life of you, you couldn’t fight back the heart wrenching burn it inflicted on you.

How could you still feel anything for this man? It can’t be. It just fucking can’t be..

But it was. You were so bewildered and petrified by the oncoming sympathy that it stunned you into a froze state of shock. He kissed you again, thinking it was a show of fear for own safety— and he was right to interpret the fear, but it was with different cause. He was steadily conjuring up feelings that you wished you could’ve watched burn, like you had intended to do with the rose your bus driver gave you. But here you were, heart bleeding for him.

You still didn’t reciprocate the kiss but it brought on more involuntary anguish.. you cried harder and so did he, and as he leaned your head back to kiss at your neck, you stared in perplexing awe at the gigantic bouquet of roses sitting on your nightstand.

“It’s okay. I‘ve missed you too fucking much to punish you now.” He calmed, and took a good 30 seconds to regain his composure. There was still a groggy undertone in his next words, but once again, he was back in his domineering mindset. “But I ain’t cutting you that much slack.”

You yelped when he suddenly shoved you back, straight into Jungkook for the nth time. He heatedly wiped at his eyes and stepped back, and it was the first time you took in how much more muscular and rigid he’d become over the years.

Before, he was a lot more slender and you’re certain that the very shirt he’s wearing now use to be at least 2 sizes too big on him before.. however, the black silk was skin-tight and clinging to the humps of his biceps, and straining around the buttons between his pectorals. His skin was more pale than ever before but now you could see a tattoo curving along his temple, arcing aside the edge of his pierced brow. The word that was written in elegant, cursive writing made your heart palpitate and your stomach twist even more.

Honey. That was your signature endearment. That was the name you’d given him in place of your real one the very night he met you, and asked for it.

This crazy motherfucker really is obsessed with you. How he can lie to you, deceive you, punish you and drive you fucking bonkers and stalk you down only in the act of what he calls love.. and for it to actually be a form of true—albeit dangerous love, was beyond you.

The scripture on his handsome, albeit matured face distracted you for a few seconds. You snapped out of it when Jungkook suddenly hauled you up by the midsection and slammed you down on the bed, pinning his hand down between your shoulder blades and rendering you defenseless.

“What are you doing? Taehyung! Please! Get him off of me!”

“If I could trust you to stay still, I would.” His voice was neutral again, despite a offhanded sniff. You struggled to look back, but it was no use as he was standing out of view.

“Stay still for what?”

“Do you still have your ring?” He asked instead, ignoring you.

“It’s in my nightstand drawer. Now tell me—“

“Told you she kept it,” Jungkook finally spoke— and just like it was back then, it was a very rare occurrence for when he did speak on your behalf. That’s another thing nobody else dared to do, unless asked. But knowing that he was the one stalking you for Taehyung made you all the more disturbed with him.

“Fucking creep. You’re hurting me!” you screamed at him, and he had the audacity to increase pressure. Tae said nothing, nor did he stop his friend from retaliating.

“I also know about your little affair with your coworker. Since when did you start swinging both ways?”

“What are you talking about?” You growled, and he only snorted in response.

“She knows you like her. She knows you stare at her ass every time she bends over and that you bend over on purpose to make her look at yours. She knows you like it when she slaps it.”

You, one again, went unmoving.

Jeon Jungkook is her fucking boyfriend.

“What does Jk even stand for?”

“Jackson. But he doesn’t like to be called Jackie, and you know how I am about nicknames. So I call him JK.”

“Don’t you fucking hurt her, Jungkook. You leave her alone. Tae, don’t you let him—“

“Don’t you worry about me.”

“BALEY?!”

Baley walked into view, an unreadable expression on her face. The mere realization of what was happening finally over filled your mental tolerance and you brain suddenly launched you away from reality.

The beach. You were at the beach with your cousins, all of you a little over the age of 18. You were on spring break your senior year in highschool and talking about the future. Graduation. Prom. College~

“She’s zoned out.” Baley said, and Jungkook finally let go. You were indeed paralyzed and had completely dissociated, talking to yourself. Taehyung, with a fully-loaded syringe in his hand, leaned over to look at your face. Your pupils were dilated, eyes stargazing in general, lips softly moving as you babbled nonsense. He hated knowing that it was coming to this, but he swore he’d earn your forgiveness.

“I’m gonna get your ear fixed.. or at least get you a better device. We’re gonna be okay. We’re so fucking rich now, I don’t even know what to do with all our money— only to turn it into more. I won’t have to work as much. We can get married, have the best fucking honey moon we can imagine. We can get started on a family. I’ll win your dog over, too. I promise.”

He sank the needle into your bicep, and you didn’t even flinch. Only blinked in rhythm as a tear fell.

“I’m gonna be a forensic scientist, like Mawmaw wants me to be.” You incoherently muttered, having said that to your friend, Jessica, on the beach.

It was insensitive, but he couldn’t help but crack a grin at that. Whatever memory you were reliving at the moment, was quite sometime before you actually began your classes for such profession. He bent down and kissed your cheek one last time as he injected the entirety sedation serum into your system and pulled it out. But you were oblivious to it all.

“I think I’m smart enough...”

”You’re very book smart, baby. But you’re probably gonna drop out after three semesters and become a bar tender at a strip club, because you’re not fit to be a homicidal investigator. You’re too soft.”

“I’m not..”

“You sure?”

“I’m gonna be a forensic scientist, like Mawmaw wants me to be.”

“Well, you’re gonna become my wife before you become anything else.”

“Ew, don’t even play like that. You’re my cousin.”

“Jeez..” Baley muttered. “You really have driven her a little bat-shit, huh? This is way more disturbing than I anticipated—“

“Babe, lets go sit in the car. Come on,” Jungkook hurried, pulling her out of the room.

Taehyung continued to whisper sweet nothings into your deafened ear, but the last night you heard before it all went blank was the perfect, bittersweet saying that bidded you goodbye for the night.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Honey.”

[whumpmatsus]

More ramble. There six of them, if something were to happen to one, perfect fit for five stages of grief... But ok, since I like happy endings maybe more of a presumed dead scenario. How hard hits, the way their absence feels like a missing piece. They fought to stand apart, but don't think these boys ever fully escape their closeness/hivenind thing.

GOD and I could only imagine being a sextuplet and being so close to each other, you know? like you were raised in this tiny house and you have five other built-in friends to spend time with, it's impossible not to get super attached to each other

I could say a lot of things about their reliance on each other but my biggest one is that even though it might be a bit unhealthy, they do love each other a lot, and I think honestly they just need some help learning how to let that love mature so that they can still have good relationships even when they're not together 24/7

we saw it a lot in Cherry Blossoms that Osomatsu struggles a lot with not being around his brothers, even though he's happy to have a job and be responsible, but I don't think he's the only one who's struggling with it; it's just so much more pronounced with him because he's the oldest and doesn't feel like he has any defining characteristics outside of that

I think they could get past being dependent on each other, without losing that being close thing, but they just might need some help with it, I think they'll always be close but it doesn't always have to be in an unhealthy way

AND LISTEN AS FAR AS THE REST OF THIS RAMBLE GOES...

I believe I read the five stages of grief isn't totally accurate, but damn if I could say these boys wouldn't feel every single one of those emotions, and more, if one of them were to disappear or die

because as much as they do fight sometimes, as much as their relationships with each other are complicated, they love each other, and they're used to being together even when they're not in the same space, having one of them just gone would be like losing a best friend, like this hole in their hearts

they would all climb into their futon at night and look at that empty space where one of their brothers is supposed to be, and they just cuddle up to each other like they think they might lose someone else

GIVE ME THE SAD STUFF BUT YES PLEASE GIVE ME A HAPPY ENDING, I LOVE MY BOYS BEING IN PAIN BUT I'M ALSO A BIG FLUFFBALL WHO'S VERY VERY WEAK 😭😭😭

[mvsicinthedvrk]

mmm personality test sorting time !!

i’ve done one character a day for a while & now they’re all done, so: fun sorts for my characters alphabetically under the cut.

i took the 16 personalities test for the mbti, the eclectic energies test for the enneagram, for hogwarts house I was going to originally just choose based on instinct but i did end up using this knockoff pottermore test, and then I did the open psychometrics “which character are you statistically most like” quiz for the last one. 

henry strauss-- 

mbti: INFP (the mediator) -- “Mediators may feel directionless or stuck unless they connect with a sense of purpose for their lives. For many Mediators, this purpose has something to do with helping and uplifting others. Empathetic by nature, these personalities may feel other people’s suffering as if it were their own“ lmfao oh henry

enneagram: oh he’s a type 4 for sure. I agree with that 200%. -- “Fours are emotionally complex and highly sensitive. They long to be understood and appreciated for their authentic selves, but easily feel misunderstood and unappreciated.”

hogwarts house: 42% hufflepuff (then in order: ravenclaw, gryffindor, slytherin)

which other characters are you most like: 

#1: charlie from perks of being a wallflower (OUCH!!)

#2: wes gibbons from htgawm

#3: jonathan byers from stranger things

holland vosijk--

mbti: ISTJ (the logistician)-- “Logisticians have sharp, fact-based minds, and prefer autonomy and self-sufficiency to reliance on someone or something. Dependency on others is often seen by Logisticians as a weakness, and their passion for duty, dependability and impeccable personal integrity forbid falling into such a trap.” this is so funny to me. it’s very true. 

enneagram: type 8-- “People of this personality type are essentially unwilling to be controlled, either by others or by their circumstances; they fully intend to be masters of their fate... Eights have a hard time lowering their defenses in intimate relationships. Intimacy involves emotional vulnerability and such vulnerability is one of the Eight's deepest fears” legit

hogwarts house: 40% slytherin (then in order: ravenclaw, gryffindor, hufflepuff)-- this actually surprises me because I would have guessed ravenclaw instead. 

what other characters are you most like: 

#1: carolyn martens from killing eve (i didn’t know who this was but apparently she’s “principled yet ruthless” and that tracks)

#2: severus snape from harry potter

#3: mr. darcy from pride and prejudice (lmfao)

kaz brekker--

mbti: ESTJ (the executive)-- I don’t know that this is accurate because the whole first paragraph of the description is about how executives understand right/wrong and embrace honesty and tradition BUT later in the description some of it aligns: “Executives don’t work alone, and they expect their reliability and work ethic to be reciprocated – people with this personality type meet their promises, and if partners or subordinates jeopardize them through incompetence or laziness, or worse still, dishonesty, they do not hesitate to show their wrath. This can earn them a reputation for inflexibility.”

enneagram: type 3-- “They are frequently hard working, competitive and are highly focused in the pursuit of their goals... They are often self-made and usually find some area in which they can excel... They know how to present themselves, are self-confident, practical, and driven... They are good networkers who know how to rise through the ranks.” THAT’S accurate. 

hogwarts house: almost the same as holland, which is unsurprising-- 37% slytherin, then 30% ravenclaw with gryffindor and hufflepuff trailing far behind. 

what other characters are you most like:

#1: amy dunne from gone girl (lmfaoooooo)

#2: walter white from breaking bad

#3: vicious from cowboy bepop

martin blackwood--

mbti: INFJ (the advocate)-- “Advocates generally strive to do what’s right – and they want to help create a world where others do the right thing as well... Advocates may be reserved, but they communicate in a way that is warm and sensitive... Advocates might find themselves feeling especially stressed in the face of conflict and criticism. These personalities tend to act with the best of intentions, and it can frustrate them when others don’t appreciate this.” awww that’s sweet I do like that for him.

enneagram: type 2, with 6 being a close second. I definitely called that. “People of this personality type essentially feel that they are worthy insofar as they are helpful to others... Twos are warm, emotional people who care a great deal about their personal relationships, devote an enormous amount of energy to them, and who expect to be appreciated for their efforts.”

hogwarts house: 39% hufflepuff, and then the others are all fundamentally tied around 20-21% each. I’d agree with that. 

what other characters are you most like:

#1: landry clarke from friday night lights (initially i was like-- a football player? what? but then his wiki description is: “generally polite, awkward, and enjoys playing guitar” so lol ok)

#2: cameron james from 10 things i hate about you

#3: peeta mellark from the hunger games

melanie king--

mbti: ESTP (the entrepreneur)-- “Entrepreneurs keep their conversation energetic, with a good dose of intelligence, but they like to talk about what is – or better yet, to just go out and do it. Entrepreneurs leap before they look, fixing their mistakes as they go, rather than sitting idle, preparing contingencies and escape clauses.”

enneagram: like holland, she’s for sure a type 8: “Eights are strong willed, decisive, practical, tough minded and energetic.” I think the aggressive aspect of type eights is more obvious in her personality than his, though.

hogwarts house: 47% gryffindor! then, in order: slytherin, ravenclaw, hufflepuff. 

what other characters are you most like:

#1: erica sinclair from stranger things

#2: max mayfield from stranger things

#3: lois lane from smallville (yessss)

orpheus--

mbti: INFP (the mediator)-- I was actually surprised he got introverted instead of extroverted, but here we are. “Mediators’ creativity and idealism can bloom even after the darkest of seasons. Although they know the world will never be perfect, Mediators still care about making it better however they can. This quiet belief in doing the right thing may explain why these personalities so often inspire compassion, kindness, and beauty wherever they go.”

enneagram: oh, yep, he’s a type 9-- “People of this personality type essentially feel a need for peace and harmony. They tend to avoid conflict at all costs, whether it be internal or interpersonal... Nines tend to adopt an optimistic approach to life; they are, for the most part, trusting people who see the best in others; they frequently have a deep seated faith that things will somehow work out.”

hogwarts house: my sweet son is 43% hufflepuff, then gryffindor, ravenclaw, and essentially no slytherin.

what other characters are you most like:

#1: flounder from the little mermaid (ok that’s sort of rude)

#2: snow white from snow white

#3: dorothy gale from the wizard of oz (that tracks)

patroclus--

mbti: INFJ (the advocate)-- so, same as martin. “Advocates can speak with great passion and conviction, especially when standing up for their ideals. At other times, however, they may choose to be soft-spoken and understated, preferring to keep the peace rather than challenge others.” i love him sm.

enneagram: he’s a type 2, also like martin, the helper type. this half-surprises me because i thought there was maybe a chance he’d be a type 6. 

hogwarts house: it’s actually really close between hufflepuff and gryffindor? 31% and 32% respectively. then slytherin, then ravenclaw. 

what other characters are you most like:

#1: eliza hamilton from hamilton

#2: glenn rhee from the walking dead

#3: ben hargreeves from the umbrella academy

wei wuxian--

mbti: ENFP (the campaigner)-- “Campaigners, like all their Diplomat cousins, are shaped by their Intuitive (N) quality, allowing them to read between the lines with curiosity and energy... Charming, independent, energetic and compassionate, the 7% of the population that they comprise can certainly be felt in any crowd.”

enneagram: he’s my only type 7. “They tend to be extroverted, multi-talented, creative and open minded... They often have an entrepreneurial spirit and are able to convey their enthusiasm to those with whom they come in contact. When they are able to focus their talents, they are often highly successful. Focusing does not always come easily for Sevens, however.”

hogwarts house: this test says he’s 29% slytherin, 27% gryffindor, 23% hufflepuff, and 21% ravenclaw. 

what other characters are you most like:

#1: george weasley from harry potter (oh that’s genuinely really good)

#2: abby sciuto from ncis (that’s actually perfect too from what i know about ncis)

#3: nymphadora tonks from harry potter

yuri plisetsky--

mbti: ISTJ (the logistician), same as holland-- “Logistician personalities are no-nonsense, and when they’ve made a decision, they will relay the facts necessary to achieve their goal, expecting others to grasp the situation immediately and take action... To Logisticians, honesty is far more important than emotional considerations.”

enneagram: he’s type 3-- “People of this personality type need to be validated in order to feel worthy; they pursue success and want to be admired... When unhealthy, their narcissism takes an ugly turn and they can become cold blooded and ruthless in the pursuit of their goals.” lol

hogwarts house: 31% slytherin and 27% ravenclaw, then gryffindor and hufflepuff in last. 

what other characters are you most like:

#1: cordelia chase from buffy the vampire slayer (once again, hilarious)

#2: amy march from little women

#3: tahani al-jamil from the good place

[kadomoni]

I always thought I might be bad, now I’m sure that it’s true…

I really can’t tell you what to think of Pink Diamond/Rose Quartz. I can’t. It’s something you have to decide for yourself, but I’m going to explain why she’s one of my favorite characters of the show, but I also think she is the villain.

Now, I know what Pink Stans are saying, “She’s not the villain! She’s morally grey and trying to change!” And, to that I say, yes clearly. She’s an incredibly well-written, nuanced, and complex character. But, as much as she has done good, she has also done very, very bad. And, I’m here to explain why I think Pink is not evil—she’s just bad (and she knows it).

There is no doubt about it that Pink was raised in an abusive family. White is a pretty typical narcissistic parent (over-reliance on perfectionism, wanting people to please her and be like her but no one ever living up to her expectations, trouble with empathy, ect.). Yellow and Blue love Pink but have no idea how to raise her. That’s pretty typical of dysfunctional family dynamics. None of them had a good role model, so they can only replicate a bad role model.

I understand this dynamic. I had a “mother figure” who was very emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive. My parents were nice and good parents but they had anger issues. I went from being petulant to shutting down, but I think I fit more into a Pearl archetype because instead of acting out my pain, I kept it inside and felt like it was me that was wrong. Pink does this, but not before causing a lot of issues, and often exploding outwards.

((Major Steven Universe/Future Spoilers under the cut))

We’ll start with what we know about Pink, which is very limited.

The first “memory” we have from her is the astral projection dream Stevonnie had where she threw a tantrum about wanting a colony. It was childish, yes, but Yellow response was no better considering she just yelled at her. They both threw tantrums, and no doubt, she was going to get locked up in her tower after. Pink got angry, she punched a mirror (hopefully, she’d only punched mirrors, please, Rebecca, don’t hurt me like this).

Secondly, we have the dream Steven had about Blue, who begged Pink to stop being combative and letting her “organics” loose, but ultimately just ended up admonishing her further. It’s also implied that she had her stay in the tower room.

Also, that tower is even more fucked up than just isolation. @singlepalerose​ explains this in her meta that Gems need light to live, not food. Rebecca says in an interview when asked that she “can’t say” what would happen if put in a place with no light. But, @singlepalerose​ comes to the conclusion that this might be literally akin to starvation, which is torture. There’s a good chance that Pink was literally tortured by her care-givers.

And, poor Pink Pearl. I don’t know what happened, but whether it was a scream or some physical altercation, it was frightening enough that she broke her pearl so badly, it couldn’t be repaired, which as seen in RS’s concept drawings, Pink is really fucked up by this. She becomes more introverted with her feelings because of this.

                                                          Don’t Break This One.

I’m not going to comment on whether these actions make her “bad” or “abusive.” She was clearly a child in an emotionally maladaptive environment, and she did decide to change and to keep her anger and frustration internalized at the risk of harming the people around her.

But, unfortunately, the information after this is where I begin to feel disturbed by Pink’s actions.

She got a colony. At first, she liked it, but clearly, she either grew bored or disenchanted with managing it. I feel as though she was expecting some sort of freedom, when really, the extra responsibilities probably just weighed her down even more.

The events of ‘A Single Pale Rose’ come into play now. Pearl suggested they go down to Earth, and Pink felt her first taste of unrestrained freedom. She liked interacting with other gems, liked interacting with humans, and finally decided that she didn’t want to destroy the Earth. And, she did beg all the Diamonds to let her give up the colony, but not only had Pink kinda shot herself in the foot with this one because she begged so hard for a colony and made so many big scenes about it, White and Yellow are incredibly steadfast in tradition and rules, and this wasn’t going to fly.

So, she decided to take drastic action.

I personally think that the idea to fake her own death was…weird. And, pretty extreme. I understand her reasoning, but this was the first time where she made a decision that benefited her far more than it did others (and I’m not talking about the planet right now because that’s a whole separate thing). This action traumatized Pearl to the point where she doesn’t eat, won’t shapeshift, and can’t talk about it. Yes, I know she commanded Pearl not to talk about it, but this caused significant emotional distress for her later on in the series.

This also traumatized the whole gem race, specifically the Diamonds, because she’d framed it as a terror attack. It would be way different if she stood up to White herself publicly, but there was so much deception going on that it fundamentally changed the course of Gem Culture and the fate of the Earth. Mostly what bothers me here is how manipulative this action was and how unnecessarily complex it was. Pink did everything she could to wipe her slate clean, be seen as a martyr of Gemkind, and also live freely on Earth.

It was a very good way to get her freedom, but it was also extremely harmful to all parties involved.

The War only escalated at this point. They had to fight Homeworld as a full-on army, and countless of gems were shattered.

Now, yes, of course, these actions saved the Earth, which is good in our perspective because we live on Earth. Earth is essential to us because it is our only frame of reference. But, something that continually complexed the Homeworld gems was why someone would fight for one measly planet at the cost of so much. It makes sense to us because we would sacrifice a whole heck of a lot to keep our planet from being invaded by space aliens, but the gems were colonizing tons of planets and destroying them for energy. It was obviously horrible as colonizers are horrible, but it’s sort of like how different armies will invade other countries, but because we’re being told that it’s for good, most people don’t really care.

From the gem’s perspective, this was all a horrible disaster—a loss of countless life, resources, and pride.

And, for The Crystal Gems, the “loss” of the war meant that all of their friends were corrupted, except Rose’s closest friends (which I’m personally unsure if this is completely truthful. I would hope it would be, but it’s also very suspicious because letting only the people that trust her the most survive would make it easier to control her own story).

Speaking of which, wtf is up with her bubbling Bismuth? It just feels like it would be easier to hide her away instead of trying to explain why she doesn’t want to shatter the Diamonds. But, Rose shattered Pink, anyway? I personally believe Bismuth was too close to figuring out her story, and she didn’t know what to do. I can’t think of any other explanation that would explain her actions and make sense with telling the Crystal Gems she’d been shattered. It feels very manipulative and selfish.

All of this obviously traumatized Pearl (we see it in her Pearl within a Pearl within a Pearl), and it had to have traumatized Garnet considering her reactions to mentions of the war and the “fusion” experiments. It was especially bad on Garnet’s end because she thought the war was actually what Rose said it was, which is why she freaked out when it wasn’t.

She kept secrets from everyone, even Her Pearl. But, Pearl didn’t know that she didn’t know everything. You could call Pearl delusional, but I think this is more proof that Rose never did something in front of her that made her feel like she was being untruthful.

And, I said y’all don’t want to get me started on Rose’s treatment of Pearl because I go feral when I get worked up about it. I would like to personally thank @theroguefeminist​ for their meta on Rose/Pearl and Fandom Ableism. It’s super good, and it was the meta that made me finally sit down and watch all of SU way back in the day. But, it illustrates the point that fandoms tend to look down on characters that act “bitter,” “weak,” “jealous,” “depressed,” or “neurotic.” It’s even more sinister because the reason why Pearl acts the way she does in the first two seasons is because she’d been manipulated by Rose.

She was Pink’s Pearl, her partner in crime, her renegade. They were the Heroes of The Rebellion. Pearl admitted she had feelings for her, and Rose’s response was enthusiastic (“Don’t ever stop!”). From what we’ve seen, the disregard of her feelings only began when she started dating Greg, considering Pearl didn’t see “the men who came into her life now and again” as threats because they “didn’t really matter until [him].” But, the treatment that we see of Pearl in “Story for Steven” and “We Need to Talk” is dismissive at best and cruel and uncaring at the worst.

After Greg was trying to flirt with Rose, Pearl said defensively, “I can sing!” and they laughed at her. Even Rose beamed. They were basically making fun of her when Pearl was only reacting that way because she loved Rose and felt threatened by Greg, even at this point.

I do want to add that I think Rose was trying to be a good person by telling Greg to go away. She made a good point that he shouldn’t give up on his dreams to be with her (especially considering that she knew that nothing would become of him in a place like Beach City). But, she was wooed by him. She laughed and gave into her instincts to surround herself with people who look up to her (even Vidalia said something about how Greg worships her).

But, I find Rose’s treatment of her in “We Need to Talk” to be unnecessarily flippant. Obviously, Pearl was very upset during the whole “What Can I Do For You?” song, and her last ditch effort was to show off Rainbow Quartz and try to belittle his efforts, but Greg was rightly defensive. This doesn’t mean Pearl was being “salty” or “abusive” or “bitchy.” She was reacting negatively towards the emotional neglect that Rose was showing her. Of course, we don’t know every interaction that Pearl and Rose had, but it’s very heavily implied that Rose never communicated with Pearl how their relationship was developing.

I do not, I repeat—I DO NOT—think that Pearl was owed Rose’s love. What I think is neglectful about this situation is that Rose didn’t either apologize or properly explain the nature of their relationship. It’s implied that Rose made her believe they were an item and then proceeded to sleep around and eventually find an alternative partner. No one is owed affection with someone who doesn’t want to be romantically involved, but to lead someone on for thousands of years is horrible, and the idea makes me nauseous, especially since the fandom is more likely to blame Pearl even though Pearl was literally her glorified slave and only able to break out of that thought process years after Steven was born.

Pearl was so emotionally fucked up by Rose’s possible emotional neglect that she had several traumatic episodes starting from “Indirect Kiss” and culminating in her “Cry for Help.” She literally believed she was powerless and felt so weak that she thought the only way to feel agency was to manipulate and extort affection from Garnet. I’m also not defending Pearl for doing this, but it’s clear that she did this because she was mentally ill and not because she was knowingly or maliciously disregarding Garnet’s feelings to fulfill her own needs. Trauma episodes often cause you to act in destructive ways towards yourself and others, but it’s also very different from how Rose did disregard the feelings of others to get her way, or have fun, or “play” with people.

It also reminds me of her treatment of Spinel. Pink was having fun with Spinel until they decided to give her a colony, and then, instead of bringing Spinel with her or sending her back to the Diamonds, she told her to stay there, and she abandoned her for 6,000 years with no plans of returning for her. To be fair, it would really mess up the Crystal Gem dynamic if she suddenly returned with a Spinel who was gifted to Pink Diamond. So, in Rose’s perspective, I get it, but as myself, I don’t think it’s right.

Greg, even, I think was taken advantage of. He’s so sweet and trusting and good that she would easily have been able to get him to do anything. I’m not going to go too much into this because there’s not too much evidence besides her behavior towards him in “Greg the Babysitter” and how she laughed at him in “We Need to Talk.” I just have the feeling that Greg knows something that no one else does and that his perma-sunburn might have something to do with Rose and/or Steven’s conception. Don’t take my word for it since this is just a theory, but I do think there’s something we don’t know yet.

Alright, now that most of the character stuff is out of the way, let’s talk Rose symbolism. In almost every episode, there’s a shot of Rose’s portrait with her eyes covered or something obscuring them. This is classic anime imagery of a suspect character, and it’s foreshadowing of her suspect actions. All of her organic experiments eventually go rouge without constant maintenance from Rose (see: the moss in “Lars and the Cool Kids,” the thorns in “Indirect Kiss”). We don’t know why this happens, but it points to the idea that there’s something malignant lurking underneath Rose’s creations.

Rose’s Room also has disturbing implications. The fact that it gives Steven whatever he wants, but more often than not, it turns into psychological horror is telling. It may be that Steven just doesn’t know how to use the room, but also, the Gems didn’t want him to go in there. (“It doesn’t know how to handle a task like that!” What do you know, Pearl????) The creepiest one, in my opinion, was how the Fake Connie he made in “Open Book” eventually turned on him, attacked him, and basically physically forced him to admit feelings he wanted to keep hidden. I’m not saying this is the intended purpose of the room, but I find it troubling that it can be used in this way and defaults to it when there isn’t anything stopping it. It could also be that when the illusion the room makes is broken that it reverts to an angry (and dare I say Pink Diamond-esque) temperament.

My final point is how her decision to have Steven, even though eventually for good, hurt many people, Steven included. To make the decision to die and have a kid was confusing to everyone, but more so, the gems. They don’t understand human reproduction outside of a biological level, and the fact that gems normally can’t sexually reproduce makes the concept even more foreign. It seems like she explained that she was doing it and would die but didn’t fully prepare the gems about what that would entail. I think this is most clearly seen in “Three Gems and a Baby” because the Crystal Gem’s behavior towards baby Steven reflected Pearl’s response to emotional neglect, such as acting impulsively and dangerously just for not understanding the complexities of the situation.

Their whole dynamic was screwed up, and they all felt deeply hurt by Rose’s death. If you compare how they act at the beginning of the series to the end, they were basically all at each other’s throats because they couldn’t communicate properly due to all the undealt with baggage that had been left behind. It ended up becoming Steven’s job to emotionally support the gems when he should have been the one being emotionally supported. This imbalance of “the parents being the child” and “the child being the parents” is a huge reason why we see Steven in such emotional distress during Future. He’s internalized the idea that he should be the leader, the supporter, the helper, and he hasn’t properly been able to find his own identity because Rose looms over all of them (see: “Rose Buds”).

It’s hard to say whether Rose intentionally left Steven to clean up her mistakes or if she just felt like he could fix it all when she couldn’t, but there is no denying that Rose’s actions have seriously messed up our boy. This is the clearest theme presented in the show, so I’m not going to go super hard on this topic because basically the whole show is Steven angsting over his mom.

So, the point of all of this is that, yes, Pink was abused. There is no doubting that she was very badly abused and developed her personality and coping mechanisms due to this trauma. However, Rose has hurt her friends, family, and gemkind due to her actions. A lot of abusers have been abused. I know my abuser was abused in the same way I was, but that doesn’t give her an excuse to enact that abuse on me. It’s the same as Rose. Her bad upbringing gives context about why she turned out the way she did, but it’s incredibly short-sighted to say that Rose acted in mostly good ways towards others.

And, she knows she’s bad. Whether or not Rebecca will outright admit what the song is about, we have enough context to know that “Love Like You” is Rose talking to Greg (if not the other gems as well).

“I always thought I might be bad Now I’m sure that it’s true ‘cause I think you’re so good And, I’m nothing like you

Look at you go I just adore you I wish that I knew What makes you think I’m so special”

Rose is admitting that she thinks she’s bad and isn’t special and doesn’t understand what Greg sees in her. She knows she’s done bad things, but in my opinion, she didn’t do enough to fix her problems. She made Steven instead. It was her final act of avoidance. Maybe she gave up on herself. Maybe she knew she couldn’t “Love Like You.” I don’t know the answer to that. I just know that Rose’s actions were abusive. She’s not good. She’s morally gray. She did good things, but she did many bad things as well. She’s not evil, but she is the series’ antagonist. She has good things about her, but she has many bad things as well. People can be two things. But, saying she’s not an abuser is making excuses for her behavior.

Here are my answers to a few common complaints on my shitpost meme.

Q: Rose didn’t want to cause war! She just wanted to free the planet/have freedom/save the gems, ect. A: If she didn’t want to cause war, she very well could have…not started the war? There are much less destructive options than pretending to be a rebel when she really was a Diamond. The double life thing is so ridiculous, no one in the show could even guess it. Q: Don’t discredit her Rebellion! A: I just think she cared more about herself than she actually did the Earth. The Rebellion did save the Earth, but not without crazy death and destruction. Q: Pink was good compared to Japser, the Diamonds, Lapis, ect. A: All of you saying that those other characters are bad while Rose is good totally misses the point. All those characters did abusive things. So did Rose/Pink. Pink is good and bad. It’s really showing your ass that you hate x, y, z but will cape for Pink even though she’s probably caused the most harm of the entire series. Whatever happened to all those morally grey arguments?

Q: This take is bad! A: soz bruh cry harder Q: This is black and white thinking. A: I shouldn’t have to explain every aspect of a character in a shitpost. This meta is my full explanation, so here’s my morally grey meme uwu

Q: Blue, Yellow, and White are colonizers and also really abusive. A: Yes. It doesn’t negate Pink’s actions, though.

Q: Pink Pearl was an accident! She changed after!!! That’s not abuse!!!!!!! A: Abuse isn’t always intentional, and we don’t canonically know it was an accident. Pink Pearl said that it was, but she admitted she was making excuses for her. But, accident or not, hurting someone deeply can be abuse if it’s not dealt with. Pink Pearl was not dealt with. She was brainwashed for 8,000 years, instead. Pearl-Pearl helped her deal with it. The continual explosive anger from Pink was abusive, hands down.

Q: She’s not a villain! A: She certainly is framed as Steven’s villain. Regardless of what you personally think of Pink, Steven is deeply disturbed and harmed by Rose’s actions. It’s literally the whole plot of the show! If Pink is eventually redeemed, I won’t mind, but she’s irredeemable in my eyes.