#chosen grandma

[victoriacbooks]

Do you remember that post about a Granny who’s the Chosen One? My friend @elizmanderson wrote that book! It comes out next month, and now you, yes you, can know what your life would be like if you were in the world of THE REMARKABLE RETIREMENT OF EDNA FISHER! Feel free to share your results! 

And if you want to know what Edna’s life is like, consider preordering an ebook, hardcover, or paperback! Preorders and info about in-person and virtual launch events can be found right here! 

If you like audiobooks, consider donating to the Kickstarter to fund an audiobook version of EDNA.

Image ID: an orange graphic featuring the cover of THE REMARKABLE RETIREMENT OF EDNA FISHER by E.M. Anderson. The text reads:

What Would Your Life Be like in the World of THE REMARKABLE RETIREMENT OF EDNA FISHER

SHIRT COLOR

RED PLAYED BINGO

ORANGE ENCHANTED FLYING CARPETS

YELLOW PRACTICED SWORDFIGHTING

GREEN SEARCHED FOR MAGICAL OBJECTS

BLUE BECAME A KNIGHT

PURPLE STUDIED MAGIC

BLACK TAMED DRAGON

WHITE TOURED A SCHOOL OF GALLANTRY

GREY LEARNED TO KNIT

BROWN VISITED A MAGICAL MARKET

MULTI BAKED ENCHANTED COOKIES

WITH

BIRTH MONTH

JANUARY KIERNAN

FEBRUARY THEOBALD

MARCH AMIR

APRIL METHODIUS

MAY REDWAY

JUNE SHIRA

JULY CLEM

AUGUST BENJAMIN

SEPTEMBER JEANINE

OCTOBER MONICA

NOVEMBER EDNA

DECEMBER JADA

BECAUSE

SUN SIGN

ARIES SOMEONE SAID YOU COULDN'T

TAURUS BINGO IS BORING

GEMINI YOU WERE ANGRY

CANCER THERE WAS A DRAGON ATTACK

LEO JEANINE SAID YOU HAD TO

VIRGO YOU DEFINITELY DIDN'T START A FIRE

LIBRA YOU WANTED REVENGE

SCORPIO YOU WERE BORED

SAGITTARIUS SOMEONE TURNED YOUR SWORD INTO A RING

CAPRICORN YOU WERE HIDING FROM JEANINE

AQUARIUS SOMEONE STOLE THE SWORD OF DESTINY

PISCES YOU'RE THE CHEERY ONE

[the-remarkable-redway-simp]

Less than 24 hours to go before THE REMARKABLE RETIREMENT OF EDNA FISHER releases and the whole world can meet the precious meowmeow, babygirl, love-of-my-life trash disaster Redway 🥺

And question my sanity, probably.

Buy links below the cut if you also want to meet my angsty, angry, attacking-people-with-dragons-instead-of-therapy babygirl!

Directly from the publisher: https://www.hansenhousebooks.com/product/the-remarkable-retirement-of-edna-fisher/

Amazon: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0BSP1X5WC

Barnes and Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-remarkable-retirement-of-edna-fisher-em-anderson/1142927658?ean=2940167041790&st=AFF&SID=Barnes+%26+Noble&2sid=Linktree+Pty+Ltd_100589976_NA&sourceId=AFFLinktree+Pty+Ltd&cjevent=29bb797adfcc11ed83f300f10a82b824&dpid=tekz25v83&cjdata=MXxOfDB8WXww

[msilverstar]

I may have reblogged the above before, but @elizmanderson wrote the book!

THE REMARKABLE RETIREMENT OF EDNA FISHER (Hansen House Books 2023)

In which a geriatric-turned-Chosen-One sets out to take down a sorcerer killing knights like her long-dead son- until abuse in the ranks makes her question who needs saving.

Magical girls but they're grandmas.

[mikufigureoftheday]

Can I call you 'magical Miku guide'

All Mighty Holy All Seeing Overseer Magical Miku Guide is preferred......but that's kinda long 😔

[quietlyblooms]

if there's one thing chiyo's grandma is gonna do, it's meddle. you can count on that lady to tell chiyo's friends exactly what's up. man i love her

[xehanortsreport]

oouuuggh dadsem au

[jingle-jangle-spurs]

[butchcharliee]

.

[avionvadion]

Someone likes to sleep under my desk chair when I’m not there. 👀

[everythingsinred]

Sorry-- this is about the poll post you reblogged:

Natsume was in a poll??? A catboy poll??? He's not even a catboy!! The stupid fecking mask isn't even something he wants to wear, and he doesn't even wear it for most of the series rrraaahhhhhh I'm gonna go flip a table

i'm kinda unreasonably ticked off by that idk why

he was indeed in a catboy poll. i understand why you'd be a lil annoyed bc yeah the cat mask isn't his choice. i do believe he IS catlike anyway, just based on his behavior (he is a cat, really)... but im gonna be entirely honest i dont really know what a catboy is supposed to be. i'm not really hip w the kids.... lol. like, is it a boy who acts like a cat? bc then... yes he could fit bc he's catlike in his personality. not even in a cringe way. or is a catboy a boy who dresses as a cat? bc if thats the case, then no he shouldnt win on the basis of the cat mask being a torture device, etc (tho i DO wish he wore it more bc it was supposed to be his symbol and he was supposed to wear it on all his missions and tbh it feels like higuchi tachibana just forgot abt it and that bugs me).

i think natsume deserves to win whatever poll he's in just because he's perfect, but it's a little unfair to pit him against much more popular characters from trending anime. i'd rather ppl just NOT include him, especially since he was only included to create more rounds on the poll, not bc op actually cared abt him as a character, but i can't enforce that even if i wanted to so. cest la vie and all that.

[rollypoliesonarock]

Me: becomes another year older

Literally every one of my extended family: happy birthday GIRL, what a nice young WOMAN you have become! How is your FEMALE dominated major coming along. Oh you still like hiking, I remember when you were 9 going into GIRL scout camp and now look at you! Such a sweet GIRL you are, my favorite GRANDDAUGHTER. I'm so impressed you, a FEMALE GIRL grew up with all those boys in the family. Here's a PINK card for my favorite little GIRL, well I guess you're not a little GIRL anymore, you're a WOMAN. You know it feels like yesterday when you were born and the hospital stuck that PINK BOW in your newborn baby hair and poof! There's a new baby GIRL in the family! Did I mention how much you are a FEMALE GIRL WOMAN FEMININE you have become (completely ignores the short hair and button up men's shirt i am wearing with no boobs in sight)

[fiishboowl]

Heard my mom use my chosen name before my deadname when talking to my grandma, which means that’s the name she associates with me FIRST, 🏳️‍⚧️WIN for transgender rights🏳️‍⚧️

[you-have-been-frizzled]

I also once had a soccer ball from my aunt and uncle but I have no idea where it went and I don’t really care where it went

yeah i’ve got presents like that

i also used to keep the cards from my mom’s adoptive (legally) mom but now i don’t because i really don’t like her, on the other hand my chosen grandma’s cards are kept in a stack on my shelf

speaking of which we need to make her a box for christmas

[blujayonthewing]

good news: my friends' toddler picked up on my Kids Friendly Energy as soon as I walked in the door and has been my best friend the whole time we've been here

better news: he is loudly and insistently calling me grandma

[inbabylontheywept]

i did wrestling in middle school. on one hand, i was actually quite good at it, which was nice. being good at any sport was a new achievement for me. on the other hand, i was bi, and i was trying very hard not to notice that i was bi, and getting folded into knots by very kind, very muscular dorks made that task somewhat difficult.

adding fire to the problem was that my parents and my grandparents wanted to watch my matches, because they were very proud that their Gangly Nerd Son was actually Sporting, and they wanted to cheer me on. which would've been sweet and all, but if there are four people you do not want there during a key part of your Burgeoning Sexual Awakening, it is your mom and your dad and your grandma and your grandpa.

right? i mean, imagine some guy's got your head in his armpit, and you're going you know, old sweat smells bad, but fresh sweat has a sort of and then you make eye contact with your grandpa in the stands and you remember you're swearing spandex so if you pop a boner people aren't just going to be able to see the outline, they're going to be able to count the veins, and the only way you will be able to restore your family's honor after that would be by moving to siberia and renouncing joy, forever. that, or lift your entire body up by your kneck then twist 180 degrees without paralyzing yourself.

it’s a lot of pressure, is what i’m saying.

still it did motivate me to win my matches really fast. because i was so tall and skinny, i was stupidly good at the double leg takedown, and then once someone was knocked down, i'd just do the half nelson and kind of flip em over for the pin. then the ref would count to three and i’d win. EZPZ.

i had one match where that went great. won in the first ten seconds, sat back down, and prepared myself for a good hour or two of doing fuck all. didn't even feel bad the parents/grandparents were gonna be bored. the matches went up from me in 5 pound increments (i was in the 115 lbs division) and it was going great until we got to the 145 lbs division. the other school's wrestler stepped onto the mat, and she turned out to be a girl so our guy flipped, because for straight guys, wrestling a girl is not a pleasant experience.

i'm not entirely unsympathetic. my experience wrestling dudes was definitely a little traumatic. but also, i dealt. guy could've dealt too. instead, he refused to wrestle, and the coach went - fine. not even worth fighting over.

so he went to the 140 pounder, and that guy said, nosir, my mom said mormons can't wrestle girls. next guy down, 135 pounder, now he knew he could pull the same card and thus did. 130 pounder, 125, both tapped out. he got to the 120 guy, and that guy was catholic, but he said he was considering being mormon, and thus would have to pass. as a precaution.

coach blew up a little at that. he said "is there anyone - anyone - on this entire goddamn team that is willing to wrestle a girl?" and then he pointed at me and said "YOU. MAT. GO."

and i'll be real, if i'd been paying more attention, i'd have pulled the mormon card too, but i'd just been putting all that audio into a buffer file because i was reading, so i was halfway across the mat before i even processed what had been said and by then it was too late to turn back.

still i had a plan. and my plan - my beautiful, perfect plan - was to do what i'd always done. tackle, flip, pin, win. sit down. read. bore my family to death. move on.

i got the first part right. she was bigger than me, but she wasn't taller. just an incredibly stout woman. god built me like a snake with glasses, just as he built her like a combat cube. the problem was the half nelson. soon as she was down, i tried hooking my arm under hers from behind and for both genders, the defense for this move is just clamping your arms really fucking tight against your sides. if you're a guy, that's whatever, but if you're a girl - especially if you're god's chosen combat cube - that pins your opponents hand right against your boob.

so, i got the hook in, she clamped, my whole arm pressed against something soft, my coach was yelling THE HALF NELSON. BABYLON! JUST FINISH IT! FINISH THE HALF NELSON! and i was just trying to press hard enough to finish, when then my brain went

...oh.

and i flipped out. of course i flipped out. i like girls, and touching a boob is an elemental experience, and i was not ready. i was not prepared. i had not committed the sacred rites. i recoiled like i'd just brushed my arm against the surface of the sun, stood up, and backed away. nobody in the room knew why i'd given up. all they saw was me, right about to win, suddenly flailing around and scrambling. so everyone started screaming at me to just get the half nelson again, and i couldn't really yell back there's a fuckin' boob in the way and it was very distressing, and the only way i could think of to make them stop was just doing it over again the right way.

so i did.

i hunkered down and prepared myself for Wrasslin' Attempt #2: The Sequel.

i knocked her down again, EZPZ. i went for the half nelson again, but she knew what i was about to do so she super clamped, and i knew she was gonna super clamp, so i wound my arm back like a pop-eye cartoon punch before swinging my arm through the gap between her bicep and her side, but the amount of time i spent winding back super signalled what i was about to to do, which gave her time to clamp even harder, which somehow redirected the entire force of the popeye punch to the bottom of her bra.

it spat out a single boob the same way an action hero might spit out one single tooth after getting a solid crack across the jaw. as if to say:

*ptooie.* "that all you got?"

i did not actually see this. my experience was that first there was an arm, then there was a bit of boob, but i was braced, i was ready, forward at all costs, tatakae motherfuckers, and then the boob went away, and i didn't know where it went but my team, and the audience, and everyone who was in front of me, they all gasped like i just kicked them in the stomach. except for my coach. he was behind me, and thus one of the four people in the room who did not see the boob. now my mom, my dad, my grandma, and my grandpa, they all got flashed but nooooooo, coach thunderbutt was behind me, and he didn't see shit so he was still yelling NOOOOOO BABYLON WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST FINISH THE NELSON! GO FOR THE KILL! BABYLON! BABYLON!

but i did not go for the kill. i stood up and she stuffed her boob back real fast, and we just kind of circled each other awkwardly until time ran out and i won on points. that's not technically allowed, but the ref had some mercy on me.

my coach did not.

i barely had time to sit down before he strode over to the bench to chew me out.

"babylon," he said, in that very calm way people get when they're too pissed to yell. "why didn't you pin?"

and i didn't know how to say well coach, i tried, but there was a boob, and it kept getting in the way, and my mom was watching, and so was my dad, and so was his dad, and his mom, and god (like bible god) and that's a can of worms because i'm pretty sure he was already mad at me, and i'm wearing spandex, and i think i might have to move to siberia, so instead i said

"i uh. i forgot how to do the half nelson."

which is actually impossible. forgetting how to do the half nelson is like forgetting how to swallow your spit.

and he looked at me, like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked through him like i'd just survived my 250th day in a trench at verdun, and he said: fine.

fine.

but we're all going to practice it for an hour tomorrow because you forgot.

and then he left.

and my buddies had the gall to be salty about it. i got so many comments saying "dude, why didn't you just tell him the truth?" and i said "you can if you care so damn much. you could've wrestled the girl too. maybe someone else should do the hard thing today."

but they didn't. so the next day, we did an hour of half nelson drills, and i spent a decent amount of time getting thrown around the mat, and it was pleasant in exactly the way that i hated and the year after that, to the surprise of everyone but myself, i quit wrestling and joined the trivia team.

and if you want more reasons to love my mom, my grandpa joked after the match that i might have to talk to my bishop about it, and my mom told him he would be allowed to make jokes after he stood in front of a crowd of 110 people in spandex underpants while wrestling a woman that was not his wife.

he paused for almost five seconds after that. then he said: aw. hell. sorry babylon.

and i'd have preferred my apology from god, but getting it from him was pretty good too.

[ivyblooms]

The German "self-ID" laws will let parents pick what sex their baby is, up until 5 years old at which point the child will need to express they want the change as well. Wild.