#chas doesn’t come off bitter at all toward robert

[bobbie-robron]

You did this. Not me. Not Katie. Leave us both alone. (Part 2.1)

Robert asks Andy where Katie is and he throws his sleeping with Sadie back at him… it is all down to him Katie is gone. Chas clearly doesn’t have an issue with Robert over Katie. Robert wants nothing to do with Sadie’s advice giving. Cain continually pesters Robert this time using the sorry excuse over shoving Shadrach.

16-May-2005

[saras-almanac]

I don’t know if i am getting to deep about this (probably) but i’m kinda sad that robert got to briefly talk about his feelings saying there’s stuff he’s done keeping him awake at night at the worst possible time. i just wish they explored more of this when he actually had a support network around him. and he probably meant trying to kill paddy and chas, but that’s not the point. i don’t know guess it just upsets me a bit that we got an insight into his feelings at a horrible time.

Thank you so much for this ask because I could talk about #JusticeforRobert centric storylines until I die. And to be honest, I probably will because… he just deserved one? And the fact that there is/was so much potential for things to explore with Robert and the show just sort of chose not to, is annoying. Especially because Ryan could have carried an intense storyline (he literally carried 2017) and Danny/Aaron could have been this supportive husband. It would have been great for the people around them to really see Aaron supporting Robert through something. They sort of did that with the reunion 2.0 and Seb storyline (and even Rebecca’s disappearance) but it wasn’t really enough. 

The biggest frustration, sort of like you said, is that we just didn’t spend a lot of time with Robert’s feelings on things. I’m not trying to say we got nothing, but the BIG storylines that should have put Robert front and center (his coming out, his shooting, his reluctance to fatherhood, his prison sentence) shove his feelings and Robert to the side in lieu of someone else, someone who might be “more important” or needing the focus more. Now I could say that it’s sort of Robert’s character to hide his feelings because he doesn’t like showing them and being vulnerable while also never wanting to be a burden to anyone, that’s not really an excuse for the show to choose that path. 

Under the cut because this became a monster on points I have literally no idea of whether or not you wanted to read about! 

Robert’s Coming Out – What we could have had. 

Now, as a bisexual, I wish we’d have gotten more of Robert’s POV as he was outed against his will and the fallout. Even if we didn’t get it right away, they wrote in multiple times where people call him gay or throw his sexuality in his face and Robert never really got a chance to fight back for that. He stands up the most with Aaron and while the other times might just be a matter of, It’s really not worth it to fight for this cause the other person clearly doesn’t care… It just shouldn’t have taken so long to get the reveal and backstory of how his sexuality (and suppression) has affected him. 

Again, I would never want to take that moment in the woods away because it was literally perfect: the context, the reveal, the desperation of just wanting to be himself with Aaron. But there’s no reason that we couldn’t have been privy to some of Robert’s thoughts about this before that point. Especially after his shooting. 

Robert’s Shooting – Was Robert even there for that? 

I’m gonna be honest and say that I’m probably the most annoyed about this lack of storyline for Robert. He was literally shot and it became all about Andy and Aaron. While their stories played a massive part in everything that happened, it came at the complete erasure of Robert. He was shot. His entire life was changed. He thought someone he loved, someone who loved him–all of him and even the awful parts–tried to kill him. That literally shook Robert down to his core. We see it in the two instances where Robert is faced with that reality. But then he realizes Andy’s behind it, gets Aaron out of prison, and it’s literally never brought up again. Don’t you think that might have caused a shift in Robert? A fear or an even bigger desperation to prove himself? Or that his fear that he wasn’t worth it and no one could ever really love him was back in full force? 

But the show decided to not give any time to that. 

They also didn’t give any time to Robert’s recovery any focus at all. There’s the comment with Adam and Andy when Vic first brings Robert back from the hospital where they comment on how he doesn’t look like himself. I think there’s a scene where Robert first goes to the pub, but all the Dingles are mad at him because Aaron’s in prison… Though that’s not Robert’s fault? He was the one who shot? He literally was in a coma for like a month… But sure? I guess, go off on him Dingles? It all makes sense that Aaron would be angry because, as much as he claimed to hate Robert, he’d never try to kill him. And I think, honestly, the fact that Robert thought so for even a little while probably cut Aaron. 

But other than those two scenes, Robert’s basically right as rain. Except for the moment his stitches tear after saving Andy from the car. 

This period of time is meant to be Robert’s metamorphosis. He’s changing from scheming, angry, bitter chancer to someone who actively wants to be better and is, ultimately, looking for love. The problem is, it’s not really present. Not really. He says to Lawrence in the hell plot that was 2017, that it took the bullet to the chest to come to terms with his sexuality and himself. But where was that? Why did we not see that? 

We saw the one, beautiful, shining moment that showed (a bit) that Robert was trying to be better, to do better as his shooting and realizing just how much he’s hurt people, people he did care about. Robert goes to court for Chrissie’s trial and speaks out in her defense, taking responsibility for upsetting Chrissie and giving her a defense. It was unexpected and beautiful… but then they did nothing with that? They sort of forgot it and, of course, they had to go back to be antagonist towards each other. Which fine. 

The only thing we really get after Robert’s shooting, is his determination to win Aaron back. Which is wonderful and I loved it, but it was about Robert trying to prove himself to Aaron, not really about showing us the changes. We did get them, his current ending storyline is proof of that, but it just sort of feels like a little bit of a wasted opportunity to really explore Robert’s character and the regrets he had. 

I think the biggest Robert-focused (if we can call it that) storyline that showcased his changes, would be the abuse era and how he literally put everything on hold to be there for Aaron, as much as he possibly could. And it was great, but I just feel like they could have done more with Robert before this point. So we as the viewer could know how much Robert changed and how badly he wanted Aaron back, how much he loved him. But they chose not to. 

And then after they got back together, there was no real storyline for Robert. Yes, he was present for Liv going to youth offenders, but that was clearly framed as Aaron’s “obstacle.” His seizure and running himself ragged, was more about what might be happening to Rebecca. It’s fine that he’s not front and center always because… it’s an ensemble show, but I really feel like any story he might have been the center for, they shifted the focus so it wasn’t on him. 

Okay so 2017… Yes, Robert and his breakdown was a focus… but like… It wasn’t that good? I get that the writers were like, he’s regressing cause of his breakup with Aaron and that’s true on one hand… but it also felt a bit… over-the-top? It wasn’t nuanced, but Robert was the focus so I guess, be careful what you wish for, Sara. (That’s on me). 

Basically, I completely understand your frustration that we got a small glimpse into Robert’s state of mind right before he’s leaving. I am taking that more as a way to prove to himself and Aaron that Robert deserves to be in prison. He’s messed up, hurt people, and done so many things that he’s ashamed of and/or regrets, so this is his penance. (It’s bullshit, babe. You don’t deserve any of this). So if they don’t try and use it as a way for Robert to push Aaron away which… will suck if that’s the route they’re choosing. Because… no. Literally, have Robert tell Aaron not to visit him because he gave himself up so Aaron could have a life. And Aaron could cry and argue that he doesn’t want a life that doesn’t include Robert in it. Then Robert, switching tactics, says that it’s killing him to only see Aaron once a week, talk every few days–it killed him when Aaron was inside and it’s going to kill him to do this for the next 20 years. So he tells Aaron to please, let him go because it’s just going to be too hard for Robert to see him in prison visiting rooms. (Of course, this means that Aaron can’t get Seb because… then Robert doesn’t get to see his son either? But whatever.) 

By having Robert frame it as what he needs–to be alone and not be constantly reminded of what he’s missing–it’s the only, only way I could see Aaron not fighting and pushing him. Because they would always and will always sacrifice their own happiness for their husband’s security and needs. (But I assume they won’t.)

Obviously, I want Aaron to fight to stay with Robert because why would he want to be without him? Why would he just give up on the love of his life, especially knowing how hard and lonely prison is? And it’s not like Robert’s family gives any sort of fuck about him. 

So after this week, I’ll probably live in my own canon of them staying together and Robert’s solicitor and new prison BFF DC Pierce working on an appeal to lessen Robert’s charge from murder to manslaughter because… it’s fiction and it can be done–and they love Robert as much as us. So he gets out in a much smaller sentence. And also… all the massive AUs and Canon divergents that I want to write that might actually address some of these storylines and making Robert if not a main player, at least an equal player. (If anyone’s interested in them in the future.) 

Thank you for giving me something to focus on and to write this massive essay for no reason but to procrastinate my Robert Week fics… (I don’t have tomorrow’s yet. Oops.) 

[kellykadesperate]

when you dream your dream of me 

(aaron’s christmas nightmare 2017)

—

“Come on, it’s you and me. It always has been. It always will be. He’s nothing.”

Aaron’s eyes fall shut against it, tears have already fallen down his face and on his hoodie. Robert’s present.

There’s an aching in his chest because of it, heavy and hurt and bruised because of Robert Sugden. Only this time he hasn’t done anything wrong has he?

Robert’s just broken hearted in a different way than Aaron is.

He’s alone, drunk, trying to forget all his misery and Aaron’s let him go. He’s let him go.

He has to make peace with that.

~*~

Aaron rolls over on his side and feels no heavy weight against him and something aches in his chest. He remembers last Christmas at the pub, he remembers Robert’s warm body, soft hands against his skin.

The thought shakes him as he gets up out of bed and looks towards the bathroom. He can hear Alex’s voice and it stuns him a little because he remembers telling him to go home last night.

And then he’d put —

He looks down at himself and sees that he’s wearing a pair of pyjamas, not just a random pair of joggers and a top like usually but proper grown up ones with buttons and everything. He shakes his head at himself and can’t help the frown forming on his face and then Alex comes out of the bathroom.

He’s got a towel hugging at his waist and a small frown on his face. “Ah I was going to surprise you, give you a nice wake up.”

Aaron’s eyes widen, and he’s not sure he’s heard correctly but then Alex gives him this look and his face flares up because he doesn’t get it. Him and Alex haven’t even slept in the same bed together let alone done that. And there’s been a reason, they’ve not had sex because he’s not ready. His heart isn’t ready.

“Oh I —“

Alex has a hand against Aaron’s waist and smiles. “I’m not working until later you know, Liv’s at your mum’s so —“

“My mum. Yeah I — I should go and see her actually.” He says, because he needs to escape the way Alex is looking at him.

He starts running about looking for the hoodie Robert gave him but Alex just looks so confused, hair dripping all over the carpet, something Robert used to hate Aaron doing. It strikes at his heart and then he rubs his head.

“Hey are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m just lookin’ for my hoodie, the Santa one I was wearing last night. Do you know —“

Alex looks stunned, like Aaron’s just said he’s looking for the meaning of life. “Are you on about the one that Robert gave ya?” The way he says it makes Aaron’s heart beat out of his chest, he looks disgusted even saying his name and it doesn’t make any sense. Aaron nods his head slowly and Alex crosses his arms. “The one we burned about four years ago?”

Four years ago.

Aaron’s eyes proper widen and then he’s looking around the room. There’s a picture of him and Alex by his bedside, Christmas hats on and some random dog in the middle of them. It doesn’t make any sense.

None of this makes any sense at all.

“Four — four years?” Aaron whispers, eyes flickering as Alex comes closer and looks all concerned. He touches his forehead and asks if he’s feeling alright and Aaron doesn’t feel ill, everything around him is just confusing and Alex shouldn’t be here.

So he decides to bolt down the stairs instead.

He’s grabbing his coat and running right to the pub where he sees his mum and Faith icing Christmas cakes and getting on just fine. They both look exactly the same but his mum somehow seems more mellow than she ever has before.

That is until she looks up and sees Aaron standing there in his pyjamas and a massive black coat.

“Love, are you alright there?”

“Alex’s is at mine.” Aaron says, closes his eyes and sees golfing clubs in the corner of the room, some scarf hanging over the wardrobe that isn’t his. “All his stuff is there and he isn’t making any sense.”

Faith looks up and smiles. “Oh no, he’s started early.” She says, miming out Aaron knocking back a shot.

“I haven’t.” Aaron says, looks right at his mum. “I don’t understand what’s —“

“Well he does live there doesn’t he?” Chas doesn’t seem like her usual self, she isn’t panicking over him, fussing and kissing his head. She’s just calm as if she doesn’t need to be like that with him anymore, as if he’s older.

“He doesn’t live there, we’ve only started going out!” And he’s frustrated by the way Faith seems to laugh at him and think that this is some sexy role play of theirs. It really bloody isn’t. He decides to ask them a question that they’ll be sure to answer. “Look have you seen Robert around after yesterday, I’m worried about him.”

He fell asleep worried about him.

That’s what suddenly makes his mum turn into her usual self. She looks up sharply and sighs. “You can’t help him love.”

“What — what does that mean?” He says, eyes flickering and this weird feeling brewing in his stomach. “Is he okay?”

“When he’s got a bottle in his hand he is.” Faith says, dropping her knife and looking at her grandson. “And we’ve already told you, he’s beyond your help. He isn’t your problem anymore.”

Aaron scowls at them as he backs towards the door. “He isn’t a problem.”

“I beg to differ.” Chas says, “He’s just some old drunk now and you’re engaged to a doctor love, you don’t need to pity him anymore okay?”

Pity.

Engaged.

Old drunk.

~*~

He opens his eyes again and this time Alex is already sat on the bed, nearly touching his lips but he manages to wake up just in time.

He’s got his stupid bloody hair wetting the bed sheets and Aaron thinks of Robert as he jumps out of the bed. This time he’s wearing a dressing gown and Alex is laying out on the bed like some sex addict.

“You in charge again?”

Aaron literally doesn’t know what to do with his face so he decides to back towards the door and make some excuse about seeing Adam.

“The same Adam who’s on the run?”

The run.

It makes Aaron’s eyes widen again and there’s a slap to his back as he tries to soak it all in and then this dog comes running into the room.

Alex pets it, calls it Max and Aaron for the first time in his life is petrified of dogs.

“Hello Maxy, your dad’s been very jumpy.” Alex says, strokes over the dog’s back and laughs. It just makes Aaron’s eyes widen once again.

“I’ll walk him.” Aaron decides, it’s a way to get out of the house, to go and find Robert. He’s trying to find Robert and see if he’s okay because his heart is telling him that he isn’t.

“On Christmas morning? I can come if you —“

“No! You stay here and keep the bed warm.” He decides to say, and that gets Alex smiling. It settles something in Aaron’s chest before he picks the dog up and trips over Alex’s shoes near the door.

He gets down the stairs and it doesn’t look the way it used to. All the effort Robert put in to decorate the place is gone because instead of greys and blues, there’s creams and browns and this massive corner sofa like they’ve got a ruby team for a family.

There’s another picture of Aaron and Alex on the mantle piece and Aaron doesn’t look like himself. He’s proper smiling, eyes gleaming and staring up at Alex like he’s madly in love with him and not —

Nothing makes sense again.

~*~

He finds Robert because he’s still singing the Christmas songs like he was the night before, only he doesn’t look the same. He looks —

It makes Aaron cry.

He’s sat against the cricket pavilion with a bottle of whiskey to his chest and a threadbare coat he’s holding on to. His hair has grown out and he’s shuddering against the bitter air as Aaron comes towards him and kneels.

The dog’s running around the grass and Aaron doesn’t give it a second look as he stares up at Robert.

“Hey, hey it’s me — oh Rob, I’ve been looking for ya for so —“

Aaron’s hand falls against Robert’s knee and Robert shoves it away, nearly knocks Aaron off balance before he downs the whiskey in his hand and winces.

“Looking for me? Yeah right.”

“I have been. Everything’s been so crazy.”

Robert frowns, and Aaron sees into his eyes. They look so cold and broken, they look even sadder than they did last night. “You’ve been avoiding me for four years Aaron.”

“No.” Aaron shakes his head. “I couldn’t —“

“I thought I was the mad drunk.” Robert says, this sad smile on his face as he leans closer to Aaron. “Stop lying.”

Aaron gulps hard. “Well I — I don’t remember —“

Robert squints up at him and Aaron just wants him to say something, anything that will make the slightest bit of sense. “We slept together and you hated yourself so you ran away from me and you’ve — you’ve avoided me ever ever since.” Robert sounds so certain, only it can’t be. He knows that he could never let Robert get to this state and not at least try to help him.

“I wouldn’t have let you —“

“Drink myself — into — into uh oblivion!” He says, like he’s proud of himself and Aaron shakes his head again.

“I wouldn’t.”

“You did.” Robert slurs. “I don’t blame ya, you and — Alex are — great.”

“We’re not anything.” Aaron whispers, and Robert just scoffs. “Please let me help ya, I can get Vic and —“

“Vic’s gone!” Robert shouts. “She left me just like you left me and now I’m this. I’m broken.”

“You’re not.” Aaron says, and he winces as he smells the alcohol on Robert’s breath hit him. “Come home with me, I’ll sober you up.”

“I’m broken.” Robert slurs and then he looks up at Aaron with tears in his eyes. “Just forget you’ve seen me like you always do.”

He reaches a hand out towards Robert, grips on and the older man shudders at the touch.

“Merry Christmas Aaron.”

And then this wind picks up and Aaron feels himself suddenly being pulled away from him.

He screams out Robert’s name and then finds himself back in his bed again.

~*~

He wakes up to the sound of horses outside.

The room is dark, a somber colour and as he walks towards the bathroom he sees that he’s wearing a black suit.

His heart thuds in his chest as he goes down the stairs, he’s sensing something awful as he reaches the bottom one and sees Liv sitting on the sofa, Victoria crying into a tissue.

“What’s going —“

Vic rises to her feet, wipes at her eyes. “It’s so good of you for coming.” She says, sniffs a little and then looks at Liv who’s just scrolling through her phone.

“Coming where?”

Vic gulps hard and Aaron finds himself looking towards the window, the horses are getting louder as he parts the curtains. The curtains? And then he sees the worst thing ever has.

Robert’s name written in flowers over a coffin.

“No.” Aaron says, and he starts banging at the window over and over and over again. “No please — oh God I need to wake up.” He screams, runs a hand through his hair and then watches Liv look at him.

“Aaron. It’s fine. It’s only Robert, not Alex.”

Only Robert.

Only Robert.

“This isn’t real.” He says, turns towards her and scowls as he speaks. “That’s Robert Liv! Robert.” Her face doesn’t move. “He’s like a brother to you.”

“Maybe once. But then he cheated on you and you married Alex, so he’s like my brother now — not Robert.”

She’s so cold.

He feels so sick.

And then he looks down at the ring on his finger. It’s not the one Robert gave him, this one is skinnier, this one is too tight.

“It wasn’t a shock.” Vic says, “When they discovered his — his body in one of the barns.

Their barn.

Their barn.

“What happened?”

“He was out cold, whiskey bottle in his pocket. God Aaron don’t make me have to tell you again.” Vic starts crying openly again like a child and she shakes her head. “I should have stayed here with him.”

He hears it over and over again and the next minute he knows, he’s by the grave and he can only see Victoria standing next to him with a long looking teenager.

A mop of blonde hair and freckles over his face and —

“Seb?” Aaron says, crouches down and looks at the boy who’s standing there crying.

“Who are you?” Seb says, “Did you know my dad?”

Aaron nods slowly. He loved him. He loves him. This just has to be a dream doesn’t it? Seb’s still a little baby, Robert’s still alive.

He is.

He has to be.

“You probably saw him more than I ever did.” He says, he sounds just like Robert as he keeps his head down. “He was the worst dad in the world.”

“No. No, he’s amazing. He loves ya so much.” He thinks of the presents, the way Robert was heartbroken that he couldn’t give them to his own son for Christmas. It makes him cry. “I promise you.”

“Well then why did he turn into some old drunk then?”

Because of me.

The thought rushes through his body and then Seb disappears and Aaron finds himself standing over —

His own body?

He sees himself laying out on the ground, same black suit on, eyes closed shut and Robert’s nowhere to be seen.

He stares around to see where Victoria has gone but he can’t find her. Instead he sees Jackson leaning against Katie’s headstone shaking his head.

“What the fuck —“ Aaron jumps up, backs away until he’s thumping into a tree and Jackson’s sighing at him.

“Yeah I’m still dead idiot. But so are you so — welcome.” Jackson looks disappointed and Aaron’s eyes widen.

“No, Robert — they said Robert had died.”

“Exactly.” Jackson shrugs.

“But that doesn’t make any sense.”

“I think you know it does.” Jackson grabs Aaron’s hand and somehow they’re inside the coffin, it’s smaller than it was before and Aaron gets to look over his lifeless body. “Robert dies. Because you end up killing him. And that ends up killing you.”

It makes Aaron feel sick as Jackson looks at him. “I killed him?”

“And he killed you.”

“No. No — I love him, I wouldn’t —“

“He loved ya too much.” Jackson winces. “Where did he end up dying? In your little love barn. God, why weren’t we creative like that when I was still around?” Aaron stares down at himself, ignoring Jackson. “Hmm, you were probably too young. I was your first after all.”

“And he was my last?”

Jackson frowns and then rolls his eyes dramatically. “You’re not getting this are you?” He leans against the coffin like it’s nothing and then gulps. “If you don’t let go of your love for him, he’ll end up dead and so will you.”

“That can’t be possible.” Aaron shakes his head, because they’re toxic sometimes but they’re also so tender and gentle with each other and it doesn’t make any sense.

“Metaphorically you dunce.” Jackson says and Aaron sobers. “You’ll get married to Alex or some other poor bastard, you’ll have a dog and a few kids and you’ll watch Robert from afar and keep loving him and you’ll never be free.”

“Maybe I don’t want to be.” Aaron rubs a tear away from his face roughly. “Maybe I just want to love him forever.” Jackson sighs. “You don’t get to judge me. You left. Robert wouldn’t ever leave me like that!”

It stings through the air and Jackson arches an eyebrow. “You’re right.” He says. “And yet it’ll break the both of you.”

Aaron goes to speak again and then Jackson disappears and the ground swallows him whole.

~*~

He doesn’t wake up in the Mill the next time, instead he’s in some cheap looking hotel and some bloke is coming out of the bathroom with a sly grin on his face.

Aaron looks down at himself and sees that he’s naked and this man is still staring at him when he jumps out of the bed and starts searching for his clothes.

“Oh. You have a fella after all then?” He says, arms crossed and his toned muscles nowhere near enough to make Aaron stop thinking about Robert.

He died.

He’s dead.

He needs to see his grave to be certain.

He needs to see if he’s still alive.

“Mate are you alright?”

Aaron looks down at this battered old jacket that he’s holding in his arms, he doesn’t remember ever buying.

“What year is it?”

The man rubs a hand across his hair and smiles. “2029 last time I bothered to check.” He says, it makes Aaron’s face falls and then the man is asking if he wants to do this again sometime and Aaron doesn’t know what to think so he just shakes his head and bolts out the door.

He only hears the bloke wishing him a merry Christmas as he leaves.

~*~

He’s transported back into the Mill when he next opens his eyes, only this time he’s just coming through the door from that seedy hotel and Alex and Liv both smile up at him happily.

“Did you have fun meeting your old mate?” Alex has a wedding ring on his finger, Aaron suddenly feels his own. He wants to take it off but then Liv frowns at him.

“You look awful.”

“I — I don’t —“ He’s lost for words when he hears his phone beep and sees that some man called Deon is wondering if he can get away for a few hours tomorrow. It dawns on him in this almost sickening way that he’s a cheat, he’s cheating on Alex but staying with him and he doesn’t get why.

“Let me show you why.” Jackson’s there again, he’s got this checked shirt on and he hasn’t aged a day but Aaron guesses that’s what happens when you die.

He walks with Jackson towards the pub and watches the sky turn black as they go.

Within seconds, he’s through the doors with Alex by his side and Liv glued to her phone and he sees Robert walk in with some bloke.

He instantly smiles. “He isn’t dead.”

“Not in this version.” Jackson sips at his pint and then tilts his head as Aaron continues smiling. He watches Robert be the Robert he knows, young, beautiful, stupid leather jacket of his that’s practically glued to his frame. “Alright enough ogling.”

Jackson snaps his fingers and Aaron’s feet fly towards Robert.

“Hi.” Aaron blurts out and Robert looks at him nervously, hands resting against the wooden panel of the bar and tensing a little. “I’ve been looking for you. I’m so glad you’re okay.”

Robert looks embarrassed more than anything, decides to look towards the bloke he’s with and gulp hard. He looks back towards Aaron after a couple of seconds. “Why wouldn’t I be?” He asks, his voice is soft but still filled with nerves and Aaron wants to wrap his arms around him.

Only this man steps forward and laughs.

“Don’t worry, I’ve been keeping him out of trouble.”

Aaron feels this anger coursing through his veins as the man puts his hand on Robert’s arm, places it there and squeezes. It makes his eyes widen and he shakes his head.

“Is he your —“

“Mike.” Robert frowns. “You know Mike.”

Aaron winces, head blurry. “He your boyfriend or something?”

He hopes for the ‘or something’ but instead Robert just steps forward and nods his head.

“You look a little pale.” Robert whispers, tilts his head up and calls out for Alex and Aaron wants him to shut his mouth.

“Robert it’s me. It’s Aaron.” Aaron steps forward, “You hate Alex. Remember you said you wanted me to forget him, that we should —

Only Robert cuts him off, eyes dark suddenly as he looks towards Mike and shakes his head. “I promise that was before you ever came along. He’s just pissed.”

“I’m not!” Aaron finds himself exploding, and Liv looks up, looks ashamed, so he runs right out the pub and tries to wish it all away. The sound of feet suddenly make him look up a few seconds later nd Robert’s standing there looking like he wants to throttle Aaron.

“What’s your problem?” Robert says, hands in his pockets as he comes towards Aaron. “You and Alex not so good anymore so you try and ruin me and Mike?”

Aaron frowns, confused as he hears Robert speak so angrily at him. “No. No, I just needed to see ya.”

Robert looks so hurt suddenly and backs away from Aaron. “I told you the last time Aaron. I’m not being your bit on the side. We’re done. We were done so many years ago.”

Aaron shudders. “So we’ve — I’ve cheated on Alex with you?”

Robert scoffs. “No. Don’t do this.”

“What?”

“Make out like I was the only one!”

And the thing is, Aaron never had himself down as a cheater. Not ever. Not after what Robert put him through.

“You wouldn’t leave him.” Robert has his head down as he speaks, chews his lip. “You said you wouldn’t leave him so I met someone else and I — I couldn’t keep going back to you.”

Back to you.

Aaron closes his eyes and he’s reaching for Robert’s tie, slamming him against the wall, they’re having sex and he’s calling it one last time.

It’s not.

It keeps happening.

“I can’t stay away from ya.” Aaron’s over Robert’s chest, he’s pressing himself down on the older man and heaving as Robert touches him. “Not when we’re like this, it’s — it’s impossible.”

And then Robert’s moving on and kissing someone else, buying a house with him and moving out the village.

It’s dark when they get into the car, Robert’s got a few boxes in his hands and Aaron’s telling himself not to look out the window but he is. And then he’s going out the door, marching right outside Vic’s as Mike sits in the car with a smile on his face.

“Aaron?”

Aaron chews at his lip, “So you’re really doing this.” He’s saying, and tears are already in his eyes, they’ve had the conversation so many times but it’s just been an idea up until now hasn’t it? “You don’t have to.”

He’ll stay away from him. He promises himself. He’ll control himself.

“You know why I can’t.” Robert shudders, the air around them is frozen and he’s looking right at Aaron’s ring. He’s looking right at it and then looking away.

“But Mike’s —“

“Funny and kind and he puts up with me when no one should have to.” Robert’s eyes cloud over just like Aaron’s, he holds the boxes closer towards him and Aaron feels his heart break.

“That’s not true.”

“Aaron ...”

“You’ve not even known him long.” Aaron latches onto anything he can find. “And now you’re moving away with him?”

“Because I can’t be around you.” Robert blurts out, angrier suddenly. “Me and you ... it’s way too intense. We can’t even try and be friends —“

“We can.” Aaron steps forward and Robert steps back.

“I don’t want to try.” Robert says and Aaron’s heart shatters.

“You don’t — want me?”

Robert’s face contorts, he looks devastated. “Not when I can’t have all of you, no.” He looks at the ring again and Aaron tries to hide it from his view. He can’t. “I’ll see you Aaron.” He says, a pained look on his face.

Aaron’s sobbing into his hands as he watches him drive away.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron’s eyes water now as he looks at Robert standing in front of him and the memories fade, “I didn’t mean to keep hurting you.” He whispers.

Robert’s eyes flicker. “It’s forgotten now. It was so long ago. I thought we were so over this?”

“How?” Aaron’s angry at his future self so much that he wants to cry right there on the spot. His voice cracks as he speaks. “We can’t ever get over each other.”

“Says the married man.” Robert hisses and then he starts to turn away and Aaron can’t handle it.

“Leave him.” He says, desperate as he speaks and Robert freezes before he starts backing away from him.

“How pissed are you?”

“— you know it’s you and me. It always has been, always will be.” Robert’s face falls against it and there are tears falling down his face, crashing over his cheeks. He looks broken. “Mike — he’s nothing.” He’s suddenly Robert yesterday, it’s his turn to plead with him isn’t it? Aaron has a hand on Robert’s face now. “Robert, Rob it’s me.”

He closes his eyes to lean forward and Robert is suddenly out of his grip. He’s moving away from him, shaking his head.

“You need to stay away from me.” Robert says. “I shouldn’t come back, I shouldn’t come to the village anymore if you’re going to be talking like this.”

“I forgave ya for Rebecca.” Aaron doesn’t even know how to breathe anymore, he just shudders as Robert stares. “I forgave ya didn’t I? So why are we doing this?”

Robert goes to speak and then Mike’s standing by the pub door, arms folded as he comes forward and holds a hand on Robert’s back. He calls him babe, he says they should go and see how someone called Catherine is handling Seb’s.

Aaron breathes in. “Seb. Is he — is he okay?”

And somehow that gets Mike charging forward and pushing Aaron back into the hedges.

“Mike don’t —“

Mike shakes his head. “You’ve got some nerve you.” He spits and Aaron can only image what he’s said about the little boy in the past that Mike knows about. He looks up and sees Robert rubbing at his eyes like he’s trying not to cry.

“Robert I’m sorry.” Aaron says, “I’m sorry.” He says again, but Robert’s already walking to the car park with Mike rubbing a hand up and down Robert’s back. “Why are we doing this?” He whispers to himself, head aching now.

“You’re doing this because of you Aaron.” Jackson’s back, he’s sitting on one of the pub benches, pint now drained as he winces. “Because of you.”

Aaron’s eyes fill with tears. “What does that mean?” He chokes out, hands shaking a little as he speaks.

“You won’t leave Alex.” Jackson says. “In this version. You marry him ‘cause you think it’s easier than risking your heart getting broken again by Robert.” Aaron’s eyes flicker as he comes towards the bench and sits slowly down next to Jackson.

“But didn’t Rob try and —?”

“A million times and more. But in the end he came. With Mike.” Jackson crinkles his nose. “You’ve tried to be mates, done all that stuff but it’s —“

“Not worked.”

“How could it when you’re still in love with him?” Jackson sighs and Aaron turns away from him, frown on his face and this feeling in his chest suddenly.

“But Alex, he can’t— he isn’t enough. He can’t be.” Aaron looks down, ring on his finger that mocks him.

Jackson leans towards Aaron a little and gulps. “That’s why you have meaningless sex with all those blokes.”

“That’s not me.” Aaron cringes, his whole body buckles under the weight of it as the cold air hits his face. “It’s not me.”

“It is when Robert isn’t offering himself. When you want to fill that hole he’s created.”

Aaron winces around the words and then looks at him again. “And — Seb?”

Jackson looks down, gulps hard. “You baby sat him a couple of times, when you and Robert were trying to be mates but ...”

Aaron’s face is wet as he frowns. “But what?” He shouts and suddenly Seb and him are playing on a sofa, Aaron’s smile is blinding and he rolls over, yanks Seb by his hips and the little boy giggles.

He giggles and giggles and Aaron feels this feeling crash through him.

He suddenly lets him go, leaves him in the room for a second as he tries to catch his breath in the bathroom.

And then there’s a knock on the door and Robert’s running in to see his little boy all on his own.

“Aaron?” Robert shouts and Aaron watches himself come out of the bathroom, frown on his face. “Did you leave him —“

“For just a second. I needed to piss. Calm down.” He’s jumpy, he’s so scared, Aaron can see himself. He’s watching himself and he knows what he’s feeling.

“Calm down? You’re supposed to be —“

“Yeah. Baby sitting. I’m not his dad.” He looks disgusted as he crosses his arms and Robert just looks hurt as he holds the little boy to his chest.

“No. I know that.” Robert says. “Alex’s knows that too if that’s —“

“This isn’t about Alex. It’s about — I’m not his dad Robert so I think you should stop dumping him on me okay?”

“Dumping?” His eyes turn red, Aaron wants to tell himself to stop, reach into the memory and tear it apart but instead he watches himself nod.

“Yeah.” He says heavily and Robert runs out the door with the little boy.

He opens his eyes again and they’re back on the bench, Jackson has a hand stretched over Aaron’s.

“Did I — I realised that I —“

“You love him.” Jackson says. “You’d grown to love him and you were terrified so you pushed him away. Robert’s never blamed you for it but —“

“Seb must hate me.” Aaron cowers and suddenly that matters, a lot.

Jackson gulps. “He still waves a ya when he sees you, sometimes you wave back.”

“Sometimes?”

“He’s old enough to know that it’s complicated.” Jackson says, like he’s trying to make it sound okay. It’s not okay. It makes Aaron’s eyes fill with tears again.

“I wouldn’t — I couldn’t do that —“

“This is what you become.”

“This is a nightmare. It’s not real.” Aaron shouts suddenly, because he’s sick of the way it’s filling his heart and making him feel like he’s going to drown.

“Yeah you’re right.” Jackson shrugs. “But it’s a version of the truth isn’t it? This could be your life. Or Robert could be dead. Or —“

~*~

Aaron rolls over in bed and the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes is Robert laying next to him. It makes his heart flutter in this unimaginable way and he can’t help but stretch his hand out and touch him to see if he’s real.

Robert’s eyes flicker open before he can properly soak in the view.

“Morning.” Robert yawns out, his bare shoulders ice cold as they bump against Aaron’s and he smiles at him.

Aaron doesn’t know what to say, he’s sort of just in awe of having him right next to him now and it makes something break in his chest as he holds his face.

“You okay?” Robert says, eyes soft and gentle and Aaron strokes at Robert’s cheek. “I know it’s Christmas but you don’t usually —“

“It’s Christmas?”

Robert grins. “You still sleepy?” He asks, “Because I don’t think Santa’s elf will let us sleep for much longer.” He says and Aaron frowns at him, unsure of what he means until the door flys open and a little blonde boy bounces onto the bed.

Aaron can’t do anything but stare at him, eyes falling against the boy who keeps bouncing up and down and yelling about it being Christmas Day. He sits up on the bed just like Robert does and he has a hand hovering near the boy who jumps onto him and looks up.

“Daddy it’s Christmas.” He looks about five, it’s probably the kid’s first proper Christmas that’ll mean something to him. He’s got these big green eyes, freckles scattered across his face and —

“Seb I think daddy knows that now don’t you?” Robert lets out this hearty laugh and it’s like it comes straight from his gut or something. He looks so happy that it makes tears form in Aaron’s eyes.

And he’s calling the boy Seb. That little bundle that makes Aaron feel so anxious and nervous and scared. He’s — the little boy is Seb.

“Do you?” Seb shouts, giggles a little as he touches Aaron’s beard and Aaron can’t help but hold onto the little boy’s arm, squeeze gently.

“Yeah I do mate.” Aaron stammers out and Seb pulls his beard. “Ouch.” He says before he moves a hand gently through Seb’s blonde mop and gazes at him. “God you look just like your dad.”

Seb giggles at that and then puts his hand in his mouth. Robert reaches over for him and tells him to stop that, managing to hook the little boy on his waist and walk towards the door.

“I’m going to start on the Turkey and stuff.” Robert lets out a yawn and then looks back at Aaron. “You coming down?” He asks and Aaron stays frozen in bed. “Someone needs to keep him occupied.”

The next thing Aaron knows, he’s got Seb sitting on his lap and Robert’s in the kitchen washing plates from dinner.

He’s alone with the little boy because Liv’s taking photos of the snow outside for a uni project or something and he’s left holding the baby basically. Well not a baby; not just any baby but Seb.

Seb’s drawing, breathing soft and slow and little hands gliding down on the paper and he seems so content with Aaron. It seems like it’s so natural. It has to be doesn’t it? The little boy calls him daddy. Aaron leans close to him. “You’re a special boy aren’t ya?” He says, hands shaking slightly. “So — so beautiful. Just like your daddy.”

And Seb’s not even listening to him at this point but it doesn’t really matter because this is for Aaron to realise. His eyes are shiny as he looks around the Mill and sees a card from Chas and Paddy wishing them a merry Christmas, it’s alongside one from Vic and someone called Ellis and Rosie.

The tinsel is draped across the table and there’s used crackers and paper snowflakes everywhere and Aaron can’t help but feel something rattle around in his heart as Seb turns to look at him.

“Did you not get what you wished for?” Seb looks worried, looks a little like Robert and it touches something in Aaron’s chest, grabs at it firmly.

He’s really going to love him.

“You’ve got shiny eyes?” Seb points up and Aaron holds his hand.

“I did buddy. I got everything I ever wanted I think.” He says, and they stay like that until Seb’s shuffling off his lap and running towards the living room. Aaron stands, wipes at his eyes before going into the kitchen and seeing Robert smile at him from the sink. He watches Robert dry his hands and then turn towards him. Aaron suddenly can’t hold in what he’s feeling for a second more.

“Where’s Rebecca?”

Robert frowns at him. “In Liverpool. With Ross.” He says and Aaron’s shoulders relax, almost melt and there’s relief flowing through him.

“They’re in Liverpool?”

Robert nods, holds the tea towel in one hand. “Well, I think so. You know they’re leaving for America later on today.”

“For — forever?”

Robert scoffs. “Aaron for Christmas, she wouldn’t leave Seb like that. Not after everything.”

Aaron doesn’t know what to do, how to feel or what to say but it’s becoming the norm now.

“But we have Seb.” Aaron sounds protective, he can hear it in his voice and it’s strange. “Don’t we?”

Robert comes forward, has a hand across Aaron’s waist. “Until the new year yeah, and then it’ll be back to normal, every Friday night to Sunday night.”

They have routines.

He doesn’t hate Rebecca.

She’s gone and Seb’s here and he doesn’t want the ground to swallow him up.

“We might have to think things through a little more once the baby’s born though.” Robert looks deep in thought and Aaron stares at him, admires the deep blue Christmas jumper he has on and the jeans he’s wearing and then smiles.

“Will this be their first one?” Aaron asks, and Robert just looks confused. “Rebecca and Ross.”

Robert comes closer towards him and waves a hand across his face. “I think you’ve had too much egg nog or something.” He says, smiling as he speaks and then he blinks. “Go look on the fridge and remind yourself.”

Only when he does, when he finally does, he sees a scan photo of a baby with little legs and little arms and —

“We’re having a baby?” Aaron’s eyes flicker, he feels frozen on the spot.

‘I wanted us to have kids.’

“Last time I checked. Yep. A baby.” Robert says, a hand falling against Aaron’s waist, his head against Aaron’s neck, he breathes in around Aaron and then smiles. “Sophie’s really getting big now, we’ve got to start sorting out that spare room.”

He leans away and looks at Aaron.

“Are you okay?” Robert sounds uneasy. “You’re — tell me you’re happy?”

And Aaron doesn’t think he’s ever been happier. Aaron has a hand against Robert’s cheek, and he sees his ring for the first time. He remembers it. It’s shiny and thick and his.

“Rob.” Aaron’s got tears in his eyes, they’re going to soak his jumper, he knows it. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my life.” He promises and the feeling takes over, it makes Aaron reach out and hold onto Robert’s face and kiss him. He’s on his tip toes, he’s holding on and not even trying to let go. He doesn’t want to.

“Good. Mr Sugden Dingle, I’m very glad to hear that.” He says, smirking, a little more sexy than Aaron’s prepared to deal with.

“Sugden Dingle?”

It makes his heart skip a beat.

“Yes.” Robert says. “I don’t care what you say about always being a Dingle. It’s Sugden first.” He grabs at Aaron’s waist. “You’re mine before you’re theirs.”

Aaron’s blushing under the weight of it and then he’s laughing as Robert starts chasing him around the kitchen when Aaron dips away from a kiss.

“We have to go.” Jackson’s voice cuts in and it takes a second to realise that Robert has frozen against the counter. He moves back and sees Jackson holding Seb up and then placing him down again.

Aaron shakes his head vigorously. “No.” He says. “I want to stay here. I just want this. I don’t want anything else.” He looks towards the living room and sees a picture of him and Robert that he doesn’t recognise.

It’s their wedding day. Another one?

“I just want this.”

‘I’ve always wanted this.’

“Aaron we have to go.” Jackson says more seriously this time and Aaron looks towards him, doesn’t meet his eye. “It’s Robert. In your version of reality he’s been hit by Lawrence’s car and he’s just told Alex to not give up on you because of how you reacted.”

He says it so bluntly and Aaron’s got tears streaming right down his face. “What?”

Jackson gulps. “Predictably you didn’t want Robert to die. You made it pretty clear you still love him.”

“I did?”

“But Robert thinks it’s best if you forget about him. Move on. With Alex.”

He sees himself married to Alex.

He sees that flaming dog.

He sees a whole life that he doesn’t want to be part of at all.

“I don’t want that.” Aaron rubs at his face roughly and Jackson just smiles faintly at him.

“You’ve always just wanted him, right?” Jackson says, like he just knows. “He’s felt the same you know, trust me, I’ve been watching him since you first knicked his car. You’re both insane about each other and that’s not always good but —“

“Do we really get this one day?” Aaron whispers, looks around the house with nothing but love in his eyes.

Jackson nods. “You could do. It could happen.”

“Could?”

“That depends Aaron.” Aaron’s chin wobbles as Jackson looks at him. “On how much you’re willing to fight for what you want.”

~*~

Aaron’s leaning against a hospital chair when his eyes open and he quickly realises that he’s here for Robert. His mother isn’t with him and he’s thankful for that because he knows she’d tell him to turn right back around.

He knows.

He keeps rubbing his eyes, fearful that he’s still dreaming and then sees that the clock says 2017. It makes him breathe a sigh of relief and then Alex appears out of one of the rooms.

“Here to see Robert then?” Alex says, offbeat, filled with nerves and Aaron nods.

“Yeah I am.” Aaron’s mouth twitches nervously, only Alex makes it all easier.

“I saw the way you were. You said you weren’t ready to lose him and I think we both know you never will be. You’re never going to want to lose him are you?”

Aaron breathes out, tears in his eyes, he can see himself saying that, a wreck as Robert lay there dying. “No.”

Alex looks up towards the ceiling and then smiles. “You go and see him, tell him that.”

“Alex —“

“You know he just chewed my ear off about you being happy, wanting you happy and he doesn’t realise how much he makes you happy does he?” Aaron shakes his head. “So go tell him that.”

Alex leaves. Alex’s a good egg. He’ll have a husband and a dog one day. Just not with Aaron.

~*~

Aaron breathes out steadily as he sees Robert in the hospital arm chair, pale and frail and his hair a blond mop against his forehead.

He looks like Seb did when he was a teenager. It’s so weird that he knows that.

“Hey.” Aaron whispers, sniffs a little as Robert stares at him. “I just wanted to — I think we need to talk.”

“About what?” Robert says, cold, almost unfeeling and Aaron’s heart begins to crack against it. He needs to be brave in the face of this. “Look, I know you said a few things when you thought I was going to die but don’t worry, I know you didn’t mean them.

Aaron frowns. “Only I did.” He says, chin wobbling now. “I’m never going to be ready to lose you am I? Not you.” He shakes his head and Robert looks away from him like he did in his dream.

“Aaron, don’t do this.”

“Do what? Tell the truth?” Aaron gulps hard, “I’m done with lying. I just want to be honest.”

“Because I nearly died. Because you pity me.”

“I don’t pity you.”

“You do.”

“I love you.” Aaron stresses, kneels down and feels his hands shake as they fall against Robert’s lap. He’s forcing the older man to listen and he only gets a wide eyed look back. “I know that if I don’t say this, I’ll stay with Alex. It’ll get serious and I’ll miss you every second of every day. I know you’ll move on, find someone who loves ya.” Robert frowns slowly. “I know we’ll kill each other if we don’t just try and love each other without all the hurting. I know all of that. And I want you.”

Robert gulps so hard that Aaron hears it, the colour is coming back into his cheeks now. “You — you’re with —“

“Not anymore.” Aaron says. “I’m yours. How could I be anyone else’s when it’s always going to be you and me.” Robert looks away as he speaks, as if he’s reminded of the night before and it makes Aaron hold his chin. “You were right, what you said — you were right.”

Robert’s chin wobbles. “I need you to go.” He says suddenly, and this feeling collapses right in Aaron’s chest.

“No. Please no. I can’t — I just need you Rob. Please, you have to realise that —“

Robert’s got tears running down his face. “You deserve better.”

“I deserve you.” Aaron shrugs. “And you deserve me and we’re gong to be so happy. Me, you and Seb and —“

Maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned the one month old just yet. It only makes Robert cower and cry and Aaron can only watch as he curls himself away from him.

“Please just go.”

And Aaron doesn’t have it in himself to watch him cry anymore.

~*~

He wears the hoodie to Wishing Well.

He pretends like his heart isn’t breaking as his mum mentions Robert being stuck in hospital with Diane and Doug. He tries to pretend like he doesn’t want to be there.

“I know I need to give him space.” Aaron says into the air, he’s speaking to Jackson as he looks up at the starry sky. “You said ... it depends how much I’m willing to fight for him. Well I am. I am willing. I promise.” He promises right into the sky.

~*~

A few days pass, those weird awkward days between Christmas and New Year’s and then they somehow they end up in the middle of February and he’s nearly kissing Robert on Valentine’s Day but the older man pulls away.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t be here.”

He looks like a deer in headlights and all that progress they’ve been making over the past couple of months is wasted. Aaron being there for Robert after the Whites dying is gone and the way Seb feels in Aaron’s arms seems to be shattered.

Because Robert got scared.

Again.

And he doesn’t want to listen to how much Aaron loves him because that’s petrifying. Aaron knowsit’s petrifying, he’s been there himself but he won’t be hiding from it the way Robert is.

Robert likes hiding, he likes hiding so much that Bernice and Vic mistake his tortured mind with moping after a man who doesn’t love him anymore.

So they take him out.

And Aaron follows.

And his heart completely shatters doesn’t it. Because Robert introduces him to Mike.

“Fuck off.” Aaron says, eyes wide as Robert stands there staring at him. Aaron looks right at Mike and shakes his head. “He’s taken. He’s with me, you got that?”

“Aaron —“

“No. No fuck this.” Aaron yanks at Robert’s hand and pulls him down an alley, away from the loud music of the club. “I’ve tried waiting for you to believe me. I’ve tried being there for you and making you feel secure and loved and happy and then you show me some man you want to take hone with you? Are you crazy?”

He wants to thump him and kiss him at the same time and Robert shakes his head.

“He was some — some bloke. I was only speaking to him.”

“Yeah that’s how it starts!”

“How what starts?”

But there’s really no point in explaining is there. Aaron sighs hard and comes closer towards Robert.

“Can you just believe me, please.”

“What if I already do?” Robert has a leather jacket on, he’s got a shirt tucked in of course and he looks better than he has done ever since the crash.

Aaron’s eyes widen. “Then we stop messing around and —“

“And what? Go back to hurting each other. I can’t do that. I won’t.” Robert holds Aaron’s face and it makes the younger man melt inside. “You’ll leave me Aaron.”

“No. Not ever. I promise —“

“You’re all better now. You don’t need me around. I need you so much more than you’ll ever need me.” Robert winces around his words and Aaron has tears in his eyes. “Please go and find someone else, wake up and realise I’m just not good enough.”

“It didn’t work.” Aaron says an hour later, he’s by Jackson’s grave watching the sky turn blacker around him and he hugs his coat. He thinks of his mum, he thinks of how irritated she is about him confessing his feelings to Robert again.

Because he’d come in crying his eyes out and he’d told her he wanted Robert back and apparently that makes him insane.

He likes it that way then.

Or actually he doesn’t. Actually he hates the way he feels when Robert is doing all he can to ignore his whole existence.

“I thought he’d listen but — there’s too much water under the bridge I think.” Aaron says, voice small as he speaks. “Maybe it was just a dream, maybe we don’t get to be happy.”

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

The sound of feet against the ground make him jump up in his slightly tipsy state and he doesn’t know what to do with himself as he sees Robert standing there with a scarf wrapped around him.

“I thought it was easier pretending you hadn’t said what you did, that way I wouldn’t feel guilty about the way you feel.”

“You don’t have to feel guilty.” Aaron winces, eyes flickering as he speaks.

Robert holds his head up. “It’s not easier. It’s worse. Because I don’t want you unhappy but that’s all I seem to do, either way.” He shrugs a little. “But I’ve always been selfish, so I’m always going to want you aren’t I? Even if that means making you unhappy.”

“You’re not making me unhappy.” Aaron scowls, “Frustrated yeah but — I just want you to see that I love you.”

“I do see it. Everyday. And I hate myself for it.”

“Why?”

“Because I hurt you. I slept with Rebecca and I destroyed us.”

Somehow it doesn’t hurt as he speaks about what happened anymore. It’s just something that happened and that’s life and he still gets to be happy.

“I made mistakes too.”

“Not like mine.” Robert winces. “You say you want me, love me, but — but there’s Seb. There’s my child who you can’t help but see as a reminder of —“

“He’s your little boy Rob.” Aaron whispers, comes closer to Robert. “And I’m going to love him so much I promise ya.” Robert looks away. “I know I shouldn’t say that but it’s true. You’re just going to have to trust me.”

“And I do.” Robert says, “But you don’t —“

“I do.” Aaron nods, and a hand finds itself against Robert’s chest. “And Rebecca?” He pulls a face. “All that — pain, it passes. It’s going to pass and we’re going to be so happy I promise. I know you’re scared.”

Robert has tears rolling down his face against the cold.

“I just don’t want to let you down.”

Aaron holds his face and his heart breaks a little. “We’re going to love each other the right way aren’t we? We’re not letting each other down ever again, not like that.” He crinkles his nose. “Not ever like that again okay? Trust me.”

“I trust ya.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Aaron nods against the man and then lunges forward, he kisses him, opened mouth and desperate, full of absolute need and desire and want.

Months of agony and misery and pain melts away as Aaron pulls away and Robert pulls him into this crushing hug.

“Will you come home with me?”

Robert pauses for a second and Aaron’s heart thuds. “Of course I’ll come home with ya. I love you so much.”

Aaron’s eyes glimmer. “I love you too.” He says, it’s almost not enough to put into words, what those dreams, those nightmares have managed to unleash in his heart.

He knows, with a deep certainty that Robert and him are going to be okay. In the end, they’ll be holding hands like they are now as they walk back to their home and they’ll be loving each other.

They’ll be fine because he made the right choice in the end.

He chose Robert, in all his dreams, in all his realities.

They’ll be just fine.

[robronsecretvalentine]

For @sugdenstyles

Be mine. Not just for today, but for forever.

He can’t help but roll his eyes when he sees the state of the pub, his mother really has gone overboard with all these Valentine’s decorations.

“What’s up with your face misery guts?” she asks when she sees the look on his face which looks anything but happy as he sits on a stool at the bar.

“Nothing just a bit much. All these pink and red hearts, ain’t it?” he asks.

“No, it’s valentine’s day people like to celebrate it, shouldn’t you be excited? You’ve got a sexy doctor to play with this valentine’s day” She tells him her voice sounding giddy as she waggles her eyebrows at him.

“Yeah no I haven’t” he tells her and he’s aware his tone comes off bitter with a slight edge of acidic, but he honestly doesn’t care.

“What? You two haven’t broken up have you? Why? When?” She asks talking over him as soon as she hears him utter the word ‘no’

“Last week he saw me kissing some other guy” Aaron tells her keeping the details as vague as possible he’s learned with his mother the best thing to do is get close to the truth as possible that way she won’t see through the lie.

“Who? Why would you do that? That’s not you at all you don’t cheat” he can see from the look on her face that she’s about put two and two together and unlike what she usually does and makes twenty with it she’s about to get the right answer so he has to throw her off course “We went to bar west last week, I was drunk and a fit lad ended up buying me a drink, Alex was pissing me off going on about how he wanted a commitment and I thought it was going way too quickly so I panicked didn’t I?”

“So, it wasn’t Robert?” She asks in an accusatory tone.

“Seriously?” He asks sounding exhausted with her questioning “Not everything is about Robert you know, I can have a relationship fall apart all on my own, not everything revolves around my ex-husband you know” he tells her, it’s a blatant lie because it was Robert he kissed, Alex had walked in caught them mid lip-lock and had just stood their shaking his head, muttering ‘I should have known, I tried to fool myself’ and then he’d walked out the house in his car before Aaron could catch him up, he knew him and Alex weren’t anything when he was more worried about what Robert thought than wanting to chase after his supposed boyfriend.

“Alright I’m sorry, I’ve just seen the way you and he have been making googly eyes at each other these past few days” She tells him which actually does surprise him, they’ve been hiding this whatever it was since the kiss, taken stolen moments whenever they could which wasn’t a lot over the last week considering they’d both gotten complications in their life some of which (Chas, Liv, Paddy) wouldn’t approve of them spending time together.

“He’s my friend mum, we’re friends but if we want to do anything then we can you know why? Because we’re adults and I can do what I want with who I want because I control my life” He tells her which shocks her and him as well he’d never told her off like this, her mouth was making a perfect ‘o’ shape as he slides off his stool he’d just have a few cans at home forget the pub.

“Aaron love I just don’t want you to get hurt” She tells him as he turns towards the door.

“You don’t understand, do you?” he turns around and hisses out his words coming out urgent but low so the punters in the pub don’t hear him “It already hurts, it hurts every second of every day that I’m not with him and the only reason we aren’t together is because of what other people think but you know what? I’m sick of it and I’m not doing it anymore we’re back together okay?” Aaron tells her making his way out of the pub ignoring his mother shouting his name.

That wasn’t how that was supposed to go, he only went in for a pint it had been a hard day he’d almost lamped a client in the face for making a stupid joke he’s on edge and he doesn’t know why.

Well he does he doesn’t like being with Robert but not being with him all the time, he’s gotten used to his kiss, his touch, the way Robert’s laugh makes his chest ache with happiness but this sneaking around is reminding him of the affair and he doesn’t like it doesn’t like the way it makes him feel dirty for stealing the odd kiss when nobody is looking.

The thing is though it’s all his fault, Robert had wanted them to come clean to Liv and Chas as soon as they’d decided to do this again when they’d decided they wanted more than just friendship, Robert was only doing what Aaron wanted but it was driving him crazy.

He scrubs his hand over his face letting out a huff off air and goes to head home, but he sees the sun shine off Roberts hair as he makes his way into the café Victoria holding the door open for him as he pushes the pram in.

He changes course without really deciding to do it chasing after him wanting to let Robert know he’d been an idiot and blurted it out to his mother, he’d have to warn him have to tell him he’s going to have to tell Liv as well before his mother comes barging round shouting her mouth off.

He almost knocks Laurel down on the floor as he rushes in the house, she was to blame for it staring at Bob instead of looking where she was going however he apologises to her anyway and she waves him off with a smile throwing a look over to Bob which looks kind of guilty but he doesn’t care when he spots Robert and Victoria sat on the sofa’s Vic looking into the pram making cooing noises at baby Seb.

“Hey” Robert smiles as he sees them approaching looking up at Aaron, a smirk making its way on his face and he can see how his mother had clicked on the look on Robert’s face was anything but subtle.

“What’s up? I know that look” Vic asks pulling her gaze away from Seb to stare at him.

He shrugs snaking his way past her and the pram he leans down and although Robert’s shocked he accepts the kiss happily deepening it before Aaron pulls away ignoring the noise of protest he makes, and the sound of shock Victoria makes.

He pulls away and notices people staring up at them Kerry nearly falling out of her chair from where she’s gawping at them.

“When did this happen?” Vic asks her voice all high and excited like a puppy, her eyes darting between them both scared to blink in case she misses something.

“Not now Vic yeah?” Robert tells her not even looking at her his eyes fixed on Aaron as he sits down near Robert, Robert’s hand finding Aaron’s.

“I got mad with my mother and let it slip about me and you” Aaron tells him and it’s no surprise when Robert’s face looks shocked. “I just wish she’d but out of my life all’s she does is stick her nose in to my business, I mean why does she think I can’t make my mind up on my own?

“Everyone’s got their thing. Maybe it’s a breakup, a death, an accident. Whatever it is, you used to be one thing, now… you’re something else. We all have our own problems, our own issues, our own… demons you know your mum means well but after everything I did after she found out about Gordon she’s made It her mission to make sure you don’t get hurt she’s just worried I’m going to hurt you again” Robert tells him and Aaron can’t help but burst out laughing when he’s finished laughing harder when Robert looks hurt.

“Oh, come on you’ve just quoted the new Venom movie trailer to me word for word and you expect me to keep a straight face?” Aaron questions snorting some more when Robert looks confused.

“How the hell do you know about the new venom movie I thought he was the geeky one here?” Victoria asks looking at Robert who just smirks at her rolling his eyes.

“He’s shared the trailer on Facebook about seventy times, so I end up watching it like once a day I’m actually liking the look of it so thought we could go watch it together when it comes out” Aaron smirks looking at Robert.

“You mean you like Tom Hardy” Robert snorts out squeezing Aaron’s hand.

“He’s not bad” Aaron shrugs it’s weird how he was fuming with his mother three minutes ago and Robert could make him feel fine within seconds.

“How about we go back to mine and you can tell me about it?” Robert suggests before Aaron could say anything back.

“I’ll watch Seb if you want?” Vic offers.

“You have work, don’t you?” Robert wonders.

“I can get Marlon to cover?” She suggests.

“Don’t be daft we can look after a baby and manage a conversation with each other at the same time you know” Aaron tells her, he sees Vic look to Robert unsure.

“I’m okay with him Vic, I don’t blame him anymore” Aaron tells her looking to Robert noticing his smile as soon as he says the words.

“Oh well good cause he’s a little sweetheart, aren’t you? Yes, you are, yes you are you’re a little angel and a little devil as well when you don’t get enough food, aren’t you?” Vic says going off on a tangent with the baby speaking in baby talk Seb can’t understand a word she’s saying but he giggles along with her anyway.

“Okay I’m fine with the baby but if you do that baby talk voice in front of me then it’s over” Aaron warns Robert “Seriously that voice is creepy Vic never do it again, he’s a little human being not an alien from another planet” Aaron tells her.

“It’s not that bad” She says defensive.

“No just a little creepy” Robert agrees “I tell her to speak normally all the time” Robert admits.

“Oh, shut it you two Sebby loves it” She says looking at the baby tickling under his chin.

“Please don’t call my baby Sebby” Robert laughs putting his head on Aaron’s shoulder to stifle the laughter.

“I better get to work then” Vic sighs standing placing a kiss on Seb’s face as she does she leans over Robert to plant one on Aaron’s cheek as well “I’m made up for you both congratulations” She tells them and the smile on her face is infectious and Aaron and Robert’s faces mirrors hers within seconds.

“You don’t screw it up again” She warns Robert leaning over Robert turns his cheek expecting a kiss but gets a little shock when she smacks his shoulder instead.

“Ow” Robert tells her stroking the sting of the hard slap away.

“I mean it” She tells him before picking up her coffee and making her way out of the café not before placing another kiss on Seb’s head.

“She is obsessed with the baby” Robert laughs.

“Well she’s already a mother without a child, she was meant to be a mum it’s just a shame Adam can’t be here to be the one to give her what she wants” Aaron tells him.

“Yeah but she’ll find someone, I know she will she’s an amazing person” Robert tells him.

“Of course, she will, but she needs to get out their meet some new people the only single people around here are Ross and we all don’t want them together” Aaron laughs.

“You wanna go back to mine then? This little one is due a nap, so we will have the place to ourselves” Robert smirks his eyebrows raised in suggestion.

“As much as I would love to be alone with you, Liv will be home from the cinema soon and I need to tell her about us before she hears it off my mum” Aaron admits.

“Right that’s not going to be easy” Robert smiles.

“No, it’s not, I could use some help actually” Aaron admits.

“Yeah, sure, of course if you think me being there won’t rile her up?” Robert wonders.

“Oh, she will definitely hate you being with me, but we need to show her we want to be together and we’re not ashamed to be together again” Aaron shrugs blushing, he still hates talking about his feelings.

“Of course, I’ll be with you I’d do anything for my dirty little grease monkey won’t I?” Robert tells him laughing.

“Oh god don’t start that again” Aaron rolls his eyes leaning in to kiss Robert on the lips.

“Come on let’s go get yelled at by my sister” Aaron tells him standing taking hold of the pram and walking out the café with Robert two steps behind him, it takes a second to realise this is going to be his future his family.

For always and forever.

[notwithout-mymuse]

Fic: For Richer, For Poorer

Robert Week 2017: Day 7 - Write a scene, from a storyline, you wish would be given to Robert

Everyone is always so quick to point out that Robert is materialistic. He flashes the cash, and likes the luxurious things in life. No one ever thinks to ask why. Or, my take on the infamous missing 10 years.

Warnings: poverty, homelessness, family abandonment, mentions of prostitution.

--

Robert had been determined that tonight would be perfect. He’d booked the fancy restaurant weeks in advance, carefully coordinated schedules so that everyone could make it, and even phoned ahead to make sure that the restaurant would have some champagne on ice ready for their arrival – the good stuff of course.

But now as Aaron pulls the car into the car park, he feels oddly nervous, tugging at the stiff collar of his new shirt to straighten it for the third time.

“Stop fussing.” Aaron tells him, without taking his eyes off the space he’s turning in to. “I don’t know why you’re stressing, it’s just our families, there was no need to go all out.”

“Robert? Going over the top? Shocker.” Liv mutters from the back seat, still grumpy about Robert not letting her wear trainers with her dress.

“This is important! This is our pre-wedding dinner.” Robert says to Aaron, knowing better than to respond to Liv’s jibe.

“Well firstly, we’re already married-“ Aaron begins, pulling on the handbrake.

“Not officially.” Robert interjects, but Aaron ploughs on.

“…and secondly, what’s important is having the people we love around us, not posh menus and champagne.”

“I know.” Robert sighs. “It’s just… we never got to do all of this properly the first time. I want it to be special.”

“It already is.” Aaron reassures him with a soft smile, before leaning across to peck Robert on the lips. It’s the sound of the car door opening and exaggerated retching noises that reminds them that they’re not alone.

--

Aaron had been right, there was no need to worry. The restaurant is great, the food delicious, and the atmosphere is as light and bubbly as the alcohol.

Chas and Diane are busy gossiping about wedding outfits at the end of table, Liv is cheered up by the fact that Bernice has brought Gabby with her, and even Paddy has cracked a smile.

Robert knows he should be thrilled that everything has come together exactly as he wanted it to. But there’s a lump in his throat, and he can’t stop his eyes straying over to the window every few minutes, towards the man in the black beanie outside.

Robert had first spotted him as they approached the restaurant. He’s young, probably no older than 20, but his drawn, dirty face makes him look far too world-weary. The man is blatantly homeless, curled up the doorway of the currently closed furniture shop opposite the restaurant, his only possessions seemingly a grubby brown winter coat, and a threadbare sleeping bag that he’s wrapped around him in a poor attempt at keeping the frigid wind out.

Robert has felt on edge ever since, zoning out of the conversations going on around him, the steak and champagne tasting bitter on his tongue. All of this, the expensive restaurant, his new suit, his insistence on them having the best of everything, now leaves a cold, guilty weight in his chest.

He feels like a fraud.

“Hey, you ok?” Aaron whispers from beside him, his hand coming to rest on Robert’s knee, and his voice concerned.

The truth is he’s not. He looks back to the window, and the cold, beaten-down young man, and all he can see is himself, or rather the person he has been at that age. A lost and frightened young lad, cast away from his family, his home, and everything he had ever known.

Robert can’t ignore the memories anymore, as he remembers arriving in the city full of anger, naivety, and stupidity. He remembers the nights spent drinking himself stupid on the money his father gave him, purely out of spite. He remembers throwing the rest of the money away on worthless investments, his childish arrogance clouding his better judgement. He can recall the first time his savings got so low he couldn’t pay his rent, the day his landlord finally got fed up of his excuses and threw him out, the nights spent in dirty, run-down hostels.

His first night on the street is a memory he’d locked away in some deep, dark area of his mind. It’s been a long time since he’s allowed himself to think of the nights crying from the cold, his stomach cramping with hunger, his terror at his own vulnerability.

Even worse were the times when he got desperate enough to wait on the corner of the dodgiest streets in town, terrified and starving enough that he was willing to do anything for just a little bit of money. On those streets, there was never a shortage of disgusting old men willing to take advantage of a vulnerable, pretty young boy for a few pounds.

Robert’s not entirely sure how he pushes down the urge to rush to the toilet and throw up, but somehow he manages a weak imitation of a smile.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”

--

Robert’s relieved when everyone starts making a move to leave, quickly excusing himself from the table to go up to the counter and pay the bill. He tries not to feel disgusted at himself for the excessive amount of money he’s blown on the evening.

Things had gotten better of course. He had eventually managed to find himself a job stacking shelves overnight in a supermarket, which had been a stroke of luck. The manager who interviewed him was new and out of her depth, so she’d forgotten to ask him for his home address, never realising that he didn’t have one. He’d managed to get a roof over his head again, worked his way up through hard graft and charm, first progressing to the business department, then being promoted to head office. It was not long after his promotion that he met the White family at a conference, and before he knew it he had been whisked into a world of wealth, luxury and excess, resolving to never look back at his past out of shame.

“Thank you Sir! Is that everything?” The cheerful waitress asks, retuning his credit card and breaking him out of his thoughts.

“No, thank you… wait, actually there is something”

--

Robert and Aaron’s combined families share their goodbyes on the pavement outside the restaurant, everyone going their separate ways. Aaron slips his hand into Robert’s as they start to walk towards the car, Liv already yards ahead, moaning that it’s too cold to stand around.

Robert is glad that the young man is still in the doorway, as he pulls his hand free.

“Give me a second, I’ll be right back.” He tells Aaron, before dashing across the quiet street.

He can feel Aaron’s eyes on him as he walks up to the man, and hands him the bag the waitress had put together for him, full of their leftovers, a take-away cup full of hot tea, and the last of the cash from his pocket. He waves off the young man’s stuttered thanks and tries not to dwell on how his eyes fill with grateful tears.

“Later.” He tells Aaron as he strides back over to his side, and Aaron must see the emotion in his face because he just nods.

Robert knows that Aaron will want an explanation, and he knows he’ll give it to him. After everything they had been through together, they’d agreed on no more lies. He doesn’t enjoy the thought of talking about the worst parts of his past, but he thinks it’s time to open that particular can of worms.

The gentle, affectionate look in Aaron’s eyes at least gives him the strength to try.

“Oi! Get a move on!” Liv yells from the entrance to the car park, her face illuminated by the screen of her phone, and they both hurry to catch her up.

[robronspoilers]

Metro: Danny Miller and Ryan Hawley reveal all as Robert tells Aaron he cheated

We caught up with actors Danny Miller and Ryan Hawley who took us through what to expect.

So why does Robert choose to come clean to Aaron about what has happened?

Ryan:  When Aaron and Robert come back from holiday, that kind of tells itself over a few episodes. He comes back to Ross blackmailing him and trying to extort him so there is that pressure and he tries to get out of that by going to Rebecca and asking for help. But he kind of sees that maybe it’s time to own up to what he’s done and if he cares so much about Aaron that he should be honest with him and tell him what happened. It’s then a case of leaving that decision to Aaron of whether he wants to be with him or not and just face the consequences.

Does he try and justify what he did?

Ryan: Yeah because there’s a moment between them where they are being intimate in the room together and it boils out and he’s emotional and says “I need to tell you” and there’s quite a long argument between the two. There’s arguments as to why he did it and he tries to justify his reasons for it and why he feels there’s some kind of understanding, some kind of empathy that Aaron could have with him. It’s played out over a double episode.

Does Aaron have any empathy with him?

Danny: Aaron’s history means he’s very hot headed and he acts very quickly and thinks about things later. There is an argument – you can tell that there’s something wrong with your partner and I think that’s when he comes to admit it, there is almost like a moment of “I know what’s coming here” for Aaron so he’s already worked himself up from there. So the typical thing would be to punch Robert or hurt himself. But it’s actually a very different outcome from that. There’s an interesting dynamic that Iain and his team have gone with. It’s more of a mature Aaron reaction rather than the old person he was.

Is that because of what he’s been through recently?

Danny: I think so yeah. It’s also the fact that he’s been in prison for so long, not that he could ever justify what Robert did to Aaron. He can kind of see past it because it wasn’t as though this was an affair, it wasn’t as though it was going on for months – it was a one night stand. It’s nice that the audience will expect him to fly off the handle but he doesn’t automatically, not straight away anyway.

Is this the direction we will see Aaron take from now on?

Danny: I don’t know what the plans are because the fact that Robert has done that is going to have an impact on Liv for example, in their home and their new little family life so he’s thinking of that but he’s trying to be that family person, a more mature, grown-up Aaron who says “let’s sit down and talk about it” – but by no means is he okay with it!

Trust has always been a big issue, how much more can Aaron take after this?

Danny: I’m not sure. Gordon took his trust and broke it and that’s where it’s all come from. And Chas did as well when she kicked him out when she was younger. So trust is a big thing and Robert’s broken that trust so I suppose it’ll always be there.

Aaron’s had so much that’s happened to him as a result of what Gordon did – the person that he made him be, the memories that he’s left with him. In this case it’s like, “I went to prison because of my trust issues, because of beating up this person” and it has this chain, knock-on effect and actually when you look at the back of it, he was in prison because of Gordon.

So if Gordon takes Robert away, he’s won again hasn’t he? It’ll be interesting to see how that will turn out but there are definitely trust issues – there always have been with Robert. But he’s just made it worse!

There is a scene where we see Aaron with a piece of glass that implies he may self harm again…

Danny: That’s the typical thing that Aaron does and that’s really coming off the back of the prison sentence. He’s always self-loathed, he’s always self-harmed and that’s the way he deals with it. So I think that’s quite interesting that they’ve put it back in there but we don’t see what happens. The history tells us that he’s going to turn to that to deal with it, so we’ll see how that unfolds.

The online reaction to this storyline is huge – do you prefer to stay away from social media, Ryan?

Ryan: Not being on social media doesn’t make you completely immune to everything that’s being said about you. Obviously we talk, and other cast members and such. And it was to be expected that a portion of the audience who are very supportive of Robert and Aaron’s relationship were going to feel very angry but that’s drama!

So what do you think of the angry and passionate reactions to the story?

Ryan: It’s not really any of my business what people want to say about the characters. It’s there for them to watch and have those feelings. I’d rather not take part in it.

How does Robert feel about Rebecca?

Ryan: He loves Aaron and he really regrets this, he didn’t want to do it and it wasn’t for any means of gratification, he didn’t have some burning desire for her. It was a moment where he felt rock bottom, thought that the two of them were over and he’s got that bitterness and he’s an unhinged character. That comes out sometimes and it has big repercussions that are going to get in the way of this relationship.

There’s nothing he can do about that now other than try and rescue this relationship. That’s really what that is, you seeing that other side of his personality and him using that to get what he wants and to prevent Aaron from getting hurt.

How will Aaron feel towards Rebecca?

Danny: Naturally very angry. Emily (Head, who plays Rebecca) and I had a conversation about it and said that “how could you ever look at that person in the same way?” She wanted to help Aaron and she wanted to warn him off Robert a little bit but all she’s done is add to the problem. So at that moment in time he’s very angry with her but then he goes to have a conversation with her and the tables turn a little bit.

The conversation that Emily and I had was that Robert did say to her “we are over” so it’s more on Robert than it is on Rebecca but Rebecca kind of just jumped into bed with him on the evening that they finished so that was the main reason that people are angry with the pair of them. But at the end of the day, how it was played out was that Aaron was having his own difficulties and making it more difficult for Robert, so Aaron self-harms and Robert hurts people around him so that’s exactly what he’s done in this case.

Would you like to see Robert become a dad?

Ryan: Figuratively it would certainly affect the relationship between Aaron and Robert if a baby were to come out of this. There would be two different tangents, they would be drastically different from each other. I enjoy everything they write for us. We’re really lucky, they give us some great opportunities and some fantastic drama and personally I’m very lucky to be involved in it. And I know Danny does as well.

[sapphicsugden]

i get that robert has his issues yes but why is he 'Not Okay'?? what mental illness does he have?

i’ve written a post about this before but that was based on “why” and not “what”. please understand this is my personal read of robert and ymmv and some people will disagree and many more will refuse to believe robert even has mental health issues but here we go anyway;

ptsd - robert watched/heard his mother burn alive in a barn and if you think that’s not a ticking time bomb waiting to go off…. he was also shot. if chas suffered ptsd from *proximity* can you imagine how the actual victim would feel?? (definitely not bitter about this not being addressed….)

bipolar - (this is non extreme and a personal read. you don’t have to agree with this one, like i said above) he does have a tendency towards increasing levels of mania culminating in Very Bad Decisions (though ed is terrible at writing robert period so this could just be my read skewed by their terrible handling of my favourite character :)))) add to that the fact the he has a breakdown in the lodge (it’s a mental breakdown, *imo* - doesn’t excuse his actions not even a little bit BUT) i truly believe the bipolar is either exacerbated by the affair or vice versa, i can’t make a final decision about that

bpd (borderline personality disorder) - i used to think about this one a lot and he still shows some signs now tbh. read the wiki page if you like, it literally screams “robert sugden” at me.

those are the prevalent mental health issues i think he has, but like i said up there, not everyone will agree and others may have different reads/other opinions

(n.b.; just because emmerdale chooses not to address it/mention it/talk about it at all doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be there.)

eta; oh! this is without all of the shit roberts dealt with and never been able to come to terms with re: BELIEVING HIS DAD THOUGH HE WAS A DISAPPOINTMENT HIS WHOLE LIFE thanks @danrdarrenc!!) aaron almost dying, almost dying himself in a car crash, the shooting, losing his father without saying goodbye (and making up), losing his birth mother etc etc….

[kellykadesperate]

Pick up the pieces

The bitterness between them is there, it howls in this way that can only make Robert want to disappear. He wants to hide away from the way he’s hollowed Aaron by it all, from the way there is this darkness that he placed there.

For Seb, for Rebecca, for himself in so many ways and that is what hurts the most. 

That and Aaron hardly meeting his eye.

He’s nowhere to be found, had just walked slowly back into the flat to grab his coat and then left again like he had turned deaf, like suddenly Robert begging him to listen didn't have any effect on him.

The bed’s cold without him, that much is clear and the moonlight shines on Aaron’s side of the bed like it’s just trying to mock Robert. Like it’s trying to punish him or something, show him that there’s someone else he’s lost.

Something raises in his chest at the thought of that, the thought of having lost Seb in some way. He hasn't, he knows deep down that he hasn't really lost his son and just thinking about little Gracie is enough to settle that. But hes lost what they had, hes lost the way things were for those precious fleeting months. 

And he cant take it back now.

The sound of feet making him sit up and he’s waiting for Aaron to come in, grab the spare blanket and sleep on the sofa or something. Which is exactly what they need, to be separated in their grief about everything. 

But the sound passes the room and Robert knows suddenly where Aaron is. So he follows him, sees him standing about Seb’s cot, holding Jeff the Giraffe in one hand and the baby monitor in the other like he cant put them down. 

He’s sniffling, back towards Robert and the blinds opened wide enough so that Robert can see how long and drawn out his husband’s shadow is, it makes him sadder for some reason.

And then he gulps, breathes out. “Aaron?”

He can hear Aaron take in a breath before he turns slowly and then stops, just looks at Robert over his shoulder and then turns back again.

“Shout at me, blame me, do -- do what you want okay? But just know that I tried to do what was best, I tried to --”

“He doesn't get off to sleep without him.” Aaron says slowly, almost whispering as he turns around and waves the giraffe in front of Robert’s face. He has a ghost of a smile on his face and then it fades evenly. “He smells like our bed, like us, ‘cause you were sleepin’ on it the other night without knowing, your back still hurting from that?” Robert doesn't say anything, just feels his heart beating out of his chest. “So he knows to get off to sleep ‘cause it smells like us, like -- like the people who see him every single day, who love him --”

“So does Rebecca.” Robert says, because she does love, he wouldn't have let Seb leave with her if he didn't know that.

“So did my mum. But it wasn't enough, just lovin’ your kid ain’t reason to get to ignore everything else.” This, the way Aaron pushes his chest out, waves a hand in the air as he speaks, is what Robert was waiting for. 

That terrifying sense of betrayal.

“You can hardly compare.”

“But you were. You were comparing how important your mum was to you to -- to how important Rebecca must be to Seb but that’s different. He’s a baby, you were old enough to --”

Robert scrunches his eyes up, shakes his head and sees his mum. He sort of hates Aaron with all he has for bringing it up, that massive giant elephant in the room.

Seb can’t lose his mum. 

It drums through his head and aches and aches and aches.

“Please don’t.” He says, head hanging, eyes watering again. “Aaron, it was an impossible decision. Whatever I said, someone would have got hurt by it.”

Aaron scoffs. “But you made it without me anyway didn't ya? You and Rebecca. Fuck what Aaron thinks about Seb, he hated him this time last year so --”

And sometimes, just sometimes things are always bound to come out in arguments that make Robert feel like there is absolutely nothing he can do about what Aaron allows himself to think.

Allows his mind to go.

It hurts, stings so badly as he shakes his head. “No.” He says. “It wasn't like that at all, we -- I knew you’d --”

“Convince ya otherwise yeah?” Aaron shouts, blinks out tears that fall down his face and make Robert want to hide. “You selfish prick.” He says, in this way that makes Robert’s heart sink because he’s heard that voice, he’s heard how deflated and crushed Aaron has sounded because of what Robert has done to him, and yet heard that love still there. 

It’s the most bittersweet thing in the world.

But it’s always been there, that hate and love mixed up in one, love almost always trumping that hate until --

“Please don’t hate me for this.” 

But Aaron just clings onto the giraffe and suddenly Robert sees Chas and he feels sick.

“I didn't even get a cuddle.” Aaron’s shaking his head and trying to catch his breath as he cries and Robert hates himself for thinking this would be easier, letting Rebecca go, letting her be happy, giving Seb all the family he has, not letting Aaron let everything else make him so adamantly against Seb going anywhere.”You waited until you let him go, until you left him with her, until they were driving away happily ever after to let me know what you’d done.”

Robert blinks quickly, waves a hand over his face. “I didn't want you to get --”

“What? Upset? I suppose I ain’t meant to am I?”

Robert scowls. “That’s not fair, that isn't fair. Stop makin’ me the bad guy.” He shouts back but Aaron just scoffs, ignores him.

“Or Liv, God, did you have the decency to tell her or did she work it out herself?”

Robert bites his lip, she’d been upset, he��d seen her try and hide it by making them both a cup of tea, running the water a little longer than usual and whilst the kettle was already boiling. He’d seen her cry and told her he was sorry but she was quiet, like she knew it wasn't her place to fight for Seb. 

And that hurt even more.

Because he was her family, he still fucking is.

“I told her.”

Aaron nods, blows out a breath and stares down at the giraffe again. “How could ya, really, how could you just give him up like that without even letting me know?” He says. after so many seconds of nothing. 

And Robert just sighs, feels something get lodged in his throat as he speaks. “It wasn't easy, you have to know that okay? But she’s his mum, and she loves him, and I couldn't --”

“Let your son go without a mum.” Aaron whispers, strokes a hand across the soft fabric of the giraffe. “I thought we were great with him though you know? Didn't you? Do you think she could have done a better job, is that it?”

Robert suddenly moves forward, tries to reach out. “Aaron, you -- you’re the best daddy in the world, it wasn't you okay?” 

“Don’t say that to me. Don’t you fuckin’ dare when you've let him go.” Aaron shouts, frowns. “’Cause it doesn't matter now does it, not to him. Ross’ll be more of a dad to him than I ever will. Ross.” He almost chuckles and Robert’s jaw tenses.

“No way.” He says suddenly, shaking his head. “Aaron, he loves ya.”

Aaron looks up. “And I love him, like my own, but at the end of the day it didn't matter. And I wish he was mine but he isn't is he?”

“You’re his dad Aaron.” Robert says seriously, chin trembling. “He’s yours.”

Aaron winces. “Not when it mattered.” He says, so finally that Robert nearly trips over how much it aches him. “And I never will be.”

He goes to leave, places the monitor down like he has to remind himself to leave it behind, break the force of habit. Bur Robert places a hand on his chest. 

“This, it doesn't change how much we love him or he loves us. I should have told ya but I was so scared and I didn't -- I was just tryna make it all okay. I was really trying to be a good person for once in my life and --”

“I hope you feel like one.” Aaron says drily, pushes Robert’s arm away from him. “And I hope you can live with yourself.”

Robert shudders, frowning, confused and hurt and --

“With you I can, without you hating me I could. Aaron, please tell me you don’t hate me.”

Only Aaron just leaves, and he watches him disappear downstairs with the spare blanket.

--

He doesn't sleep, just keeps looking at pictures of Seb on his phone and re-reading the text Rebecca had sent hours ago.

Apparently all is well. 

He wants it to settle something in his chest only it doesn't. 

He shuffles further down on the bed and sighs, this sudden awareness setting in, the one that says he’s alone.

But the door goes, the hall light comes flooding in and Aaron stands there with the blanket over his shoulder. He doesn't say anything as he sets it down and climbs into the bed, hesitantly pulls the covers over him and looks at Robert with these heavy eyes. 

“I could never hate ya.” Aaron says, and Robert’s whole body liquefies as he hears him speak. He gravitates towards Aaron without warning, buries his head in Aaron’s chest and shudders a little. He feels Aaron tentatively press a kiss to his head, feels his anger, his pain, but that love is there too just like always. 

Robert keeps saying he’s sorry, repeats it as Aaron holds him and then he pulls away. It makes Robert panic a little, and then Aaron is holding Jeff again, squeezing at the little Giraffe and then placing it between them both.

“So we’re both not alone in this.”

This day, this feeling, this sadness.

Robert nods, can’t help but drift off now that Aaron’s right here.