#characters even when i seem to just Say things with a confidence online. i believe i am anywhere from average to stupider than most other

[pomefioredove]

omg i LOVE the concept of cookies as asks so can i have a sugar cookie, #8, with chocolate drizzle and marshmallows thank yeww 🙏

t-t-total idia victory!

order #8, sugar with chocolate drizzle and marshmallows

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ internet connection

tropes: ex (mutuals) to lovers, roommate au characters: idia additional info: romantic, gender neutral reader, reader is yuu

It was the closest experience to dating Idia had ever gotten, and likely the only experience he'd ever get again.

Three months.

Three perfect, blissful months.

That's 13.0357 weeks, 91.2501 days, 2,190 hours of chats, voice calls, and texts with someone he had almost considered his.

He was raising his confidence stats to ask them out when they sent him a message, which would be their last:

"router busted. sry. will get it fixed soon"

That was weeks ago.

Idia couldn't blame them. They were going to get tired of him eventually, and ghosting him, sucky as it was, was still the easiest way to let him down.

Then, at least, he could pretend that they were telling the truth.

"Come on, Idy! This is your chance! You'll never get over them if you never meet anyone else!"

Ortho's cheery, hopeful words twist Idia's stomach with guilt. He knows that. Of course he knows that.

He buries himself deeper into his blankets. "I don't want anyone else,"

"It's only for a few weeks. Maybe you'll make friends!"

Unlikely. Idia doesn't have the social XP for that. Who would want to be friends with him, anyway?

He can't even keep Magicord mutuals.

Then again, he has no other choice.

The Prefect had asked to stay somewhere with a high-speed internet connection while post-S.T.Y.X. Ramshackle was being repaired, and Ortho had volunteered Idia.

And his room.

Ugh. Why can't anything go right for once?

Idia hides under his covers like a small child, drowning the sound of the door and voices in PreMo.

He honestly doesn't know a lot about you. He doesn't get out much, and even if he did, you've always got those OP normie friends around you.

He knows you don't talk much. He's actually never heard you talk at all.

Whatever.

Idia only emerges from his blankets when his ears are ringing from the music and his body is sore from stillness.

He takes off his headphones and reads the room.

There's Ortho, projecting a beam of light on the wall, and there's Grim, chasing it, and there's you.

You seem a little out of place, awkwardly sitting on the floor when there are chairs and tables, your bags still at your sides, unpacked.

Something about you makes him feel at ease. Weird.

"Oh- Idy!" Ortho chimes. Idia jumps, and then everyone is looking at him. Crap.

"We were wondering when you'd come out! The Prefect has a question for you!"

You give Ortho a panicked look, as if to say you most certainly did not have a question for him. Idia has his own suspicions.

"About the Wi-Fi," Ortho chimes. "They really need to get online."

Idia narrows his eyes. His brother can handle something as simple as that.

"...O-okay," he mumbles. "I guess."

He reluctantly gets out of bed and sits beside you. At least with an objective, he isn't so nervous. You hand him your phone, some sad secondhand thing, and he puts in the password for you.

"Lemme know if it's slow. I've been working on upgrading the router, and it's been a little laggy," he hands your phone to you.

"Shouldn't be a problem, though."

You take it. "I can't complain, I don't have a router at all right now,"

Idia's face turns red.

His eyes go wide.

He can't place it, at first. What's that weird feeling? What is it about you-

You notice his expression. "Uh... did I say something?"

And when you speak again, just like that, Idia jumps to his feet.

"IT-IT'S YOU!"

"You?" Grim asks.

"You?" Ortho echoes.

"Me?"

Idia feels like he's losing his mind, his anxiety cracking and breaking away, shock taking its place.

"Y-yes, you! I know that voice! Don't you- you recognize mine too, don't you?!"

Your eyes widen.

"Oh... no... no way,"

"I-I can't believe this!" he says, suddenly grinning. "You weren't lying about the router, it must've got totally busted when S.T.Y.X- oh, crap. IT'S ALL MY FAULT!"

"Idy..." Ortho warns. "Your heart rate is-"

"I know! I know, I just- I can't believe it- you, of all people,"

He sits again, shaking. It takes you a moment to catch up.

"I... I wasn't lying," you mumble. "I've been trying to get a decent internet connection since we got back, but..."

"This is the guy?" Grim mumbles to you. He is ignored.

Idia feels lightheaded. This isn't real. This isn't happening. This is some weird dream.

He can't seem to stop grinning, anyway.

"Will you go out with me?!" he asks, without thinking at all. But not even the sinking feeling in his stomach is enough to ground him.

You stare back, your own eyes wide.

And then, in your familiar voice, in your familiar easing presence: "I'd like that,"

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi batman :) this felt too tangential to directly contribute to the post literally specifically about reading books by black women BUT re: “would this ‘i don’t know who writes the books i read’ phenomenon be happening if the question was just ‘have you read a book by a woman’” i’ve often come across folks at work (bookstore) and online saying things along the lines of “i need to be reading more women writers!!” (probably true!) or asking for stories by queer/trans people specifically, (and having that be pretty much their only criteria for a recommendation at the start of the conversation). and like, that’s cool! i think it’s admirable to seek out voices you’re not familiar with. yippee! but NONE! of these requests (bookstore mostly, but in some casual convos online) are ever for books by Black people! let alone “hey do you have any books by Black women?” i don’t really feel equipped to speculate as to why that would be, but i’m wondering if you have any thoughts on why folks seem so much more comfortable (or even eager) broaching their comfort zone to talk about queerness or gender but not race. i mean. it’s the racism, but i’d love your thoughts. thank u for enduring some of the most insane takes ever it’s led me to reflect on how i engage with media in some really useful and actionable ways.

it's absolutely the racism, and I think it's very interesting that you specifically draw this parallel with people actively seeking queer authors, because I do have some fucking Things to say about that.

I believe it's actually on this sequel post, rather than the original that you're referencing, where some very confidently asserts that they only bother learning things about authors to make sure that queer books are written by queer people, which to me begs the obviously follow-up question of why this perceived authenticity of authorial experience matters for queer narratives but not for those of narratives by people of color, to which I fear the answer is that this person either doesn't care or simply isn't reading books that center people of color in the first place.

and while I have personally seen lots of white people, including many white queer people, doing the work to decenter whiteness in their reading (#notallwhites) I am also very familiar with the kind of white queer readers you're talking about, who treat "it's gay" as the end all of media recommendations. huge shout out to a former (white, bisexual) coworker from my time at the library, who once tried to pitch me on a "queer sapphic YA beowulf" retelling he was reading and couldn't understand why I wasn't interested in it at all when it had gay characters in it.

and I think for queer readers like this, who prioritize the consumption of queer #content above all else, there's an alleged willingness to engage with any book that will offer up LGBT characters that still prioritized white characters, white authors (especially when those white authors write some characters of color, so it still feels #diverse), and what's considered a normative (white, western) LGBT experience, with anything outside that framework being treated as unrelatable and optional to the white queer literary canon because it doesn't meld nicely with, I don't know, Red, White & Royal Blue and Heartstopper and Song of Achilles and Legends & Lattes. it's the classic move of white queers getting so caught up in being marginalized in one particular way that we forget there might be any other groups whose voices might be getting drowned out and need prioritizing.

and also, you know, having to read books about people who experience other forms of discrimination in addition to homophobia/transphobia gets the ol' white guilt churning and make them feel attacked, which many of my folks just cannot stand. white supremacy is built on comfort, and all that.

[soulviv]

Aouad Headcanons .ᐟ

꒰ CONTENTS ꒱ ; aouad characters having a crush on you !

NOTICE ༘ this is one of my first time writing anything at all, so if this is corny or bad in anyway, I’m so sorry.

INCLUDES ⊱ Cheol-soo, Gyeong-su, Su-hyeok, Joon-yeong, Woo-jin.

CHEOL SOO

- I feel like with him, he’d make it so obvious. Even if he doesn’t mean to.

- he’d ask his friends (just Eun-ji) what you did in class, stuff like “did y/n talk to anyone??” “What did y/n do in class?”

- Eun-ji’s put up with various talks about how your “so attractive and smart” and how your “kind and popular”.

- he seems like the type to feed random stray animals, he’ll ramble about you to like any street cat or dog.

- anytime he sees you he smiles, though his face quickly contorts back to a frown once you make eye contact for some reason. It’s like his weird reflex.

- whenever your around him, he feels all sweaty, he gets so worked up over it he turns fully red.

- if he ever were to find out if you did like him back, he’d only be more awkward. Something as small as bumping into you would make him apologize five times over because he’s scared you’ll hate him afterwords.

—————-

HAN GYEONG-SU

- he thinks your extremely attractive. Anytime he sees you passing by him in the halls, he’ll immediately tell Cheong-san about it.

- is the type to change his whole walking routine to class just to see you.

- he’s told Cheong-sans mom about you already, he likes talking about you while eating at their restaurant, he’s a complete yapper. Sometimes, Cheong-san’s mom is almost surprised he’s not done with his fifth plate since he’s been talking about you for so long he’s forgotten to eat.

- he gets confident enough to make a move on you first, though, he gets rejected almost immediately. “Hey, I think you’re really pretty, do you wanna go out sometime?” And you, fully believing he was joking, said no.

- he looks absolutely mortified at this, especially since his friends had been hyping him up five seconds ago.

- he gets repetitive with it, maybe he asked you on a bad day, right? So he asks again, and during this time, you finally realize it wasn’t a joke, and you say yes.

- during your guys’ small date, he’s barley able to contain his excitement. Poor boy can’t even pay attention to what you’re saying with how much he’s admiring you.

——————

LEE SU-HYEOK

- because he likes you, he tries to impress you anyway he can. He’ll be laughing about something immature with his friends one second, the minute you walk by he’s leaning against a wall or something trying to seem nonchalant.

- whenever your names brought up, he’s invested in the conversation immediately. “Oh y/n?? Yeah, they’re cool.”

- if he follows you on any socials, and you post a picture of yourself, he’ll screenshot it and send it to his friends just to mope about how your too attractive for him, and how he wants you to be his.

- one time, someone brought up that you like guys who are smart, the second he got home he posted a photo on his instagram about him ‘studying’ (no studying got done) just so you would see his story

- sometimes, you’ll accidentally like his story, once he gets the notification, he’s all cheerful and happy, but when he goes to show his friends the next day and realizes you unliked it, he’s the saddest he’s ever been.

- he’s not one to post himself on instagram, but he’ll do it when he sees your active, he mostly only makes moves online, he’s too scared to actually talk to you at all in real life.

- when he finally does get the courage to talk to you, it’s probably about some “do you understand this?” In class, and he’s so excited you actually replied back that he’ll talk about it the rest of the week.

—————

OH JOON-YEONG

- he likes you because your both attractive and smart, he admires it a lot.

- he shows off to his friends when your around. If you guys had a recent exam, and your around, he’ll brag about how he got a high score.

- dae-su and woo-jin quickly catch onto his crush, they’ll both try to put him on with you.

- dae-su likes pushing him towards you when you’re walking by him in the halls, and woo-jin likes screaming, ‘my friend thinks your cute’.

- he has to ask woo-jin very VERY politely for your instagram, he’ll try texting you by pretending to like what you do, and he tries to mix up a nonchalant tone in it.

- he gets flustered when someone in his friend group mentions your name and everyone turns to look at him.

- when he finds out you like him, he’s overwhelmed with joy, every time he walks by you in the halls, he waves at you, sometimes he even likes walking with you to class if you have the same teacher.

JANG WOO-JIN

- when he has a crush on you, he’s very nonchalant about it, he’s fine with texting you, and sometimes he’s confident enough to give you a compliment when you post a photo of yourself.

- he’s so confident with himself, one day, he asks you to hang out with him, only for his confidence to immediately be thrown out the window once he sees your friends laughing, which he thinks is at him. (Your friends are laughing because your face is red when he asks you to hang out.)

- after a while though, he gets tired of being afraid to talk to you, so he eventually starts hanging out with you at school, he’s pretty chill with your friends, who know about his crush on you and your crush on him.

- he’s not really an artsy person, but he’ll do some crafts and then give the final product to you, explaining how he just made it randomly but didn’t like it (he spent five hours on it and had to make it perfect to give to you.)

- while walking past you in the halls, his friends will give him weird looks, saying ‘look who it is’ or screaming stuff like ‘Woo-jin is that your girlfriend??’ To tease him even if you guys aren’t dating (yet).

- every saturday he plays roblox horror games with you

- absolute d1 yapper, if you’ll give him the time of day, he’ll just say what’s on his mind. He really likes how you listen to him, he can tell you’re actually listening and invested in what he has to say, not trying get him to shut his mouth.

—————

RAHHHHHH anyways i finally finished writing something, this is hella rushed n rlly bad, im so sorry 💔💔

but uhm I was watching tt earlier n a scary vid abt a possessed doll came up n now im too scared to go up to the bathroom cs it’s dark idk if anyone gives a fuck 💔

—————

[dairymistress05]

My thoughts on the Luke and gf situation. It’s long so bear with me. Also, I want to preface this by saying that this is my opinion, because I don’t know them personally my opinion and many others that have been posting about it doesn’t actually matter in the end.

With everything that has happened in the last several days, I wanted to reflect and discuss my thoughts. First, 2 things that are baffling to me.

1. Why is it so difficult for people to separate the art from the artist?

2. Why do people think their opinion is important to the discussion?

Believe it or not the only people that are allowed to have an opinion in Luke’s relationship, are those who are directly involved

I honestly can’t believe the amount of people that I am seeing saying things like this ruined the show or makes you not believe anything. They’ve been telling us all along, he and Nicola that they were just friends. Do I have an opinion as to why I may not believe that that’s completely true? Sure. Does my opinion matter matter at all? No. This is the thing, it’s unbelievable that people think they can go on the Internet and bash this person because they decided to live a life different from what they projected in their head. Para social relationships with celebrities are fascinating. Also, the internet is forever.

Tom Holland once said “if you have a problem with me, text me, and if you don’t have my number, you don’t know me well enough to have a problem with me.” And I think that’s a perfect example of why this is getting so out of hand. No one on the Internet posting their icks now knows Luke well enough to have a problem with him.

As a 38-year-old married woman myself, I haven’t been convinced there wasn’t anything going on as they are extremely touchy-feely friends. However, there were rumours about a girlfriend and then when the photos came out well then I guess that confirms it. Do I think that’s the end of it, No, but again my opinion doesn’t matter. But there are also several factors why even if Luke and Nicola were interested in each other why they would hold off. Their work relationship being paramount among those reasons.

As for the photos, as an outside observer who has seen Nicola help him through his anxiety this press tour I don’t feel that was a hard launch. He seems extremely uncomfortable in those photos. His body language is off if it was an intentional launch on his part. He’s walking ahead, even the handholding seems awkward. However, the girlfriend unfortunately looks extremely smug, smiling directly into the cameras. I am personally inclined to believe that it was her or a friend of hers who called it in because he doesn’t seem prepared to be photographed. I’m not sure what to think about their relationship as of yet but these photos don’t portray a lot of confidence. Also, the age difference seems like it could become an issue but the thing I would worry about becoming an issue is the social media presence mismatch that is pretty obvious. Sorry, even if I was a dancer I would not want to be posting some of those videos, as I said, the internet is forever.

Lastly, the only other person whose opinion maybe matters is Nicola herself and she has come out to post several times all in defence of him and his character. She is obviously seeing all of the hate online and saying hey guys stop it. I like him. He’s nice. He’s my friend. Quit being mean. And I’ve seen some people say that it’s all Nicola and he doesn’t reciprocate when she’s posting about him and blah blah blah I disagree and here’s why the other day on his IG stories, and I can’t believe no one is talking about this, he posted a photo of a scene from episode 6 to remind people that it’s now streaming and maybe I’m reading too much into it, but the photo he posted he is exactly when Colin is telling Penelope “I won’t let her ruin our night“. (Photo attached) Who is her? I don’t know. But I also don’t think that things on social media are coincidence, especially if you’re a celebrity posting because they know that everybody over everything. And then I also found it quite interesting that he posted on his stories the speech he gives Portia about proposing out of love nothing less and that’s where the real cut off. So again, I think it’s intentional to show appreciation for his friend.

Some final thoughts, I definitely feel like there is a strong connection there whether it’s just friendship or not. I think a lot of people posting online are putting a lot of the owners on him, but what if Nicola didn’t want to date someone that is so much younger than her? What if she doesn’t wanna date at all right now? What if they agreed that? Although there’s a strong connection work relationship is more important right now because of future seasons of the show? We don’t know them. We don’t know the situation and act like you’re devastated about two people that you don’t know not in a relationship seems rather silly.

The only thing I would worry about in this whole situation, is if this relationship with the girlfriend will sour the friendship. Like if it was her who called the paparazzi will she still be comfortable with her boyfriend being in this type of public friendship with Nicola? I sincerely hope so because they seem to have something special even if it is just platonic best friends. Their close friendship is part of the reason Polin works so well on screen.

Anyway, agree or disagree, just my two cents.

I would love to know your thoughts.

[shipscompulsivos]

Ships That Defined My Life (And Left Me Emotionally Unstable)

✧ Or: How fictional couples destroyed my sanity, and I am grateful for it.

If there’s one thing that has made me laugh, cry, freak out, and question all my life choices, it’s my intense and emotionally draining relationship with certain ships. They’re not just fictional couples. They’re transcendent experiences.

They are the ones that: ⟶ Made me binge-read 300,000 words of fanfiction like it was my soul’s thesis. ⟶ Turned mere two-second eye contact into an epic romance. ⟶ Forced me to create theories worthy of an academic dissertation just to prove it was real. ⟶ Threw me into online battles where I defended my ship like a lawyer with no degree but plenty of conviction.

I have experienced the pain of shipping a couple that only existed in subtext, I have celebrated insignificant scenes as if they were grand declarations of love, and I have fooled myself into thinking, “This time, it’s going to happen” (spoiler: it didn’t).

And even though I know this is an emotional rollercoaster with no brakes, I’m still here. Because the truth is, there’s nothing more addictive than watching two characters who were made for each other meet, challenge each other, and (maybe) fall in love.

So, welcome to my favorite collective delusion. Here is my love letter (and pure suffering) to the ships that defined my existence.

☞ Prepare for: intense fangirling, emotional analysis, an unhealthy amount of involvement with fictional couples, and, of course, the eternal debate: "Did they know?" (Yes, they knew).

✦ If you’ve ever sold your soul for a ship, buckle up – this sentimental journey has no return ticket.

Alec Lightwood x Magnus Bane (Malec – Shadowhunters)

☙ Or: "When an immortal warlock and a Shadowhunter rewrote LGBTQ+ representation on TV."

If there’s one couple that didn’t just deliver an iconic romance but also changed the game for LGBTQ+ representation on TV, it’s Malec. They weren’t just an engaging ship within Shadowhunters – they were a milestone. Every scene, every glance, every moment of growth was a masterpiece of chemistry, emotion, and pure perfection. And what happened? I fell headfirst into this ship, and now there’s no way out.

☙ But why did this ship completely destroy me?

✦ Alec Lightwood’s journey: He starts the series completely repressed, deep in the closet, and about to marry out of duty. A perfect combo for an emotionally devastating character arc. And guess what? That’s exactly what happened.

✦ Magnus Bane’s grand entrance: Magnus arrives as a force of nature, powerful, confident, with a sharp smile and the gaze of someone who’s seen it all. Basically, he looks at Alec and says: "Sweetheart, no one here is dumb." And that’s it. Alec starts realizing that maybe hiding his sexuality is a bigger problem than he thought.

✦ THE WEDDING KISS: A moment so iconic that even non-shippers had to stand up and applaud. ⤷ Alec, about to say an emotionless “I do.” ⤷ Magnus arrives. ⤷ Absolute silence in the church. ⤷ KISS. ⤷ The universe explodes, my sanity vanishes, and Alec PUBLICLY chooses Magnus.

✦ A real relationship, with real challenges: Malec wasn’t just thrown on-screen to tick a representation box. They faced prejudice, internal conflicts, and deep dilemmas. Magnus is immortal, Alec is a Shadowhunter with a short and dangerous life. This added an insane level of drama and complexity because ETERNAL LOVE ISN’T AS SIMPLE AS IT SEEMS.

✦ Alec’s INSANE growth: He started as a rigid, fearful guy who avoided his feelings at all costs. He ended as a strong, determined leader, willing to fight against everyone for what he believes in – including his love for Magnus.

☙ But, of course, the show didn’t always handle Malec with the grandeur they deserved... and that’s where the fandom comes in!

If there’s a ship blessed by the gods of fanfiction, it’s Malec.

⇢ A sci-fi AU where Magnus is a legendary hacker and Alec a secret agent? On the shelf. ⇢ A royal alternate universe filled with political intrigue and eternal love oaths? Take it. ⇢ A 100-chapter slow burn where they spend 90% of the time exchanging intense glances and denying their feelings? Good luck escaping that rabbit hole.

The fandom never fails.

✦ Fangirling level: 💜💜💜💜💜 (Five hearts because I still haven’t recovered and don’t want to.)

Hannibal Lecter x Will Graham (Hannigram – Hannibal)

☙ Or: "If love means psychological manipulation and cooking human flesh for your beloved, then Hannigram is the most romantic couple in fiction."

Hannigram isn’t just a ship; it’s an intense psychological experience, a study in obsession, and definitive proof that true love transcends laws, morality, and the basic need for non-human cuisine.

If you started Hannibal thinking you’d watch a simple game of cat and mouse between a serial killer and an FBI investigator, at some point, you realized you were rooting for their relationship. And that moment was, officially, the point of no return.

☙ Iconic moments? You bet.

✦ Hannibal obsessively cooking for Will, even when Will suspected that the menu included a rather… exotic ingredient. ⤷ "If you love someone, cook for them," they say. Hannibal took this to a cosmic level.

✦ Will having metaphorical, homoerotic dreams but insisting it was just ‘psychological manipulation.’ ⤷ Buddy, please, accept your reality. You’re already emotionally married to this man.

✦ The final cliff scene. ⤷ A bloody embrace, a shared murder, and a dramatic fall into the ocean. ⤷ Shakespeare? Never wrote anything this intense.

✦ Will having countless opportunities to kill Hannibal but never going through with it. ⤷ Every episode, the FBI: "Will, please, just shoot him already." ⤷ Will: "But what if... we have an intimate moment first?"

☙ And when the show ended? The fandom took control.

If TV didn’t deliver the happy ending this couple clearly didn’t deserve, but we wanted, the fandom grabbed the wheel and drove way too far.

⇢ Modern AUs where Hannibal is an eccentric chef and Will a tired cop (as if that’s not almost canon). ⇢ Fanfics where they live happily as refined murder husbands, raising dogs and planning suspicious dinners. ⇢ 200k-word longfics exploring every single nuance of their twisted minds.

⤷ "But does the ship really need all this?" ⤷ The ship: YES. IT DOES.

✦ Fangirling level: 🍷🔪🔪🔪🔪 (Four knives and a fancy wine because this ship is pure luxury, tension, and cannibalism.)

Lan Wangji x Wei Wuxian (WangXian – Mo Dao Zu Shi)

☙ Or: "The art of suffering for 16 years for love and still making it worth it in the end."

If there’s a ship that redefines the concept of destined, eternal, and unwavering love, it’s WangXian.

Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian are literally soulmates—but not in an easy, fluffy way. No. They had to defy rules, traditions, entire clans, and even death itself to finally be together.

And in the end? Every second of suffering was worth it.

☙ Why did this ship destroy me?

✦ Lan Wangji fell in love at first sight. ⤷ Instantly, without warning, without wanting to, and with no way back. ⤷ Wei Wuxian showed up with that mischievous smile, chaotic energy at maximum, and that was it. Lan Wangji, who had never allowed himself to feel anything, felt everything all at once.

✦ Wei Wuxian spent his teenage years flirting without realizing it. ⤷ And Lan Wangji? Just standing there, gripping his sword and his self-control, suffering in silence. ⤷ "Lan Zhan, why are you always following me?" ⤷ Buddy… BUDDY…

✦ Wei Wuxian died, and Lan Wangji spent 16 YEARS in absolute mourning. ⤷ He refused to move on. He spent 16 years trapped in a ghost love, believing he would never see Wei Wuxian again. ⤷ Only for him to be the first one to recognize him when he returned.

✦ When Wei Wuxian finally came back, Lan Wangji abandoned everything to stand by his side. ⤷ He ignored the judgments, the looks, the rules. Nothing else mattered. ⤷ Because after losing Wei Wuxian once, he wasn’t going to make that mistake again.

✦ MUSIC. ⤷ They communicate through a melody only the two of them understand. ⤷ If staring deeply into each other’s eyes wasn’t enough, they just had to have their own theme song.

☙ The fandom? A full-on cult. If there’s a ship that inspires fanarts, fanfics, and collective meltdowns like no other, it’s WangXian.

⇢ Modern AUs where Lan Wangji is a serious CEO and Wei Wuxian is a sassy journalist? We got them. ⇢ Fanfics rewriting the 16 years of suffering, because NO ONE deserves to suffer that much? Also got them. ⇢ 10,000-word emotional analyses on how their song is the most romantic thing in fiction? Absolutely.

✦ Fangirling level: 🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶 (Five magical harps because this ship is pure melody.)

Sherlock Holmes x John Watson (Johnlock – Sherlock)

☙ Or: "Two British bachelors living together, solving crimes, and pretending they’re just friends."

If there’s a ship that grabbed the fandom by the throat, sent everyone spiraling, and left behind an existential void that only 200k-word fanfics can fill, it’s Johnlock.

BBC gave us a Sherlock and Watson with explosive chemistry, subtext-loaded dialogues, and stares that could fuel a 50-chapter slow burn. They had it all—tension, tragedy, redemption, devotion, pain—and yet, we had to sit there and watch the script pretend it was just "friendship."

But we know the truth.

☙ Why did this ship destroy me?

✦ Sherlock literally jumped off a building to protect John. ⤷ Let’s go over this again: this man looked at the one person who truly mattered, said goodbye, and jumped. ⤷ And the worst part? He watched John grieve, because he couldn’t risk him being in danger. ⤷ Anyone else would have just disappeared, but Sherlock had to see John, had to make sure he was okay. ⤷ This isn’t just love. This is tragic, classic-literature-worthy love.

✦ "John Watson, you have been the best thing in my life." ⤷ The man who despises feelings, who says love is a weakness, who avoids emotional connections at all costs… ⤷ …suddenly drops this emotionally charged line and expects the fandom to just move on? ⤷ That wasn’t just a confession. That was a last-ditch effort to show John how much he meant to him. ⤷ And John’s response? Silence. As if he was absorbing the weight of what was just said.

✦ THE WEDDING. ⤷ Nothing was more painful than watching Sherlock, clearly in love, clearly devastated, standing there at John’s wedding. ⤷ When he started his speech, the entire world realized those could have been his wedding vows. ⤷ The speech was so emotional, so loaded with meaning, even Mary noticed what was happening. ⤷ But the most defining moment? When John said he didn’t know who could put up with him… ⤷ And Sherlock, for the first time, had no answer. Because he knew. He was the answer.

✦ The stares. ⤷ No one—absolutely no one—stares at their “best friend” the way Sherlock and John look at each other. ⤷ These stares are loaded with meaning, with unspoken words, with "I would die for you, and you know it." ⤷ Every single scene has at least five seconds of dramatic tension, where the camera focuses on one face, then the other, as if the world has stopped. ⤷ I’ve seen canon couples stare at each other with less intensity than these two.

✦ Homoerotic subtext in every scene. ⤷ If there were an award for the most subtext-heavy ship in history, Johnlock would win by a landslide. ⤷ We’re not talking about hints. We’re talking about entire scenes structured as if Sherlock and John were a couple—without ever saying it outright. ⤷ John constantly saying, "I’m not gay," but never denying that Sherlock could be an exception. ⤷ Sherlock being indifferent to the entire world, but feeling, reacting, and suffering whenever John is involved. ⤷ There was so much subtext the fandom started treating the ship as inevitable, as if it was only a matter of time before the show made it canon.

☙ And the fandom? This is where things get insane.

⇢ Sherlock-level conspiracy theories. The fandom crafted in-depth analyses, video essays, and full-on theories to prove Johnlock was real, including the legendary "The Lost Special" theory, where the BBC supposedly filmed a secret episode confirming the ship.

⇢ Fanfiction: the only absolute truth. When the show failed, the fandom took control. There are 200k-word fanfics exploring every emotional nuance of their relationship—from alternate universes to stories where Sherlock never died and John never married.

⇢ The alternate timeline where Johnlock happened. In the heart of the fandom, Sherlock and John ended up together, happy, solving crimes, and adopting a dog. And no one can convince me otherwise.

✦ Fangirling level: 📖📖📖📖📖 (Five books because the real ending only exists in fanfics.)

Derek Hale x Stiles Stilinski (Sterek – Teen Wolf)

☙ Or: "The big bad wolf and the sarcastic boy who never admitted what they really felt."

If there’s one ship that the fandom built with their own hands and turned into a phenomenon bigger than the actual show, it’s Sterek.

Teen Wolf may have ignored, underestimated, and even tried to erase this couple, but fans took every glance, every touch, every tension-filled argument, and turned it into a fanfiction empire.

The chemistry was undeniable. The dynamic was perfect. The chaos was real.

☙ Why did this ship destroy me?

✦ Stiles and Derek literally CAN’T STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. ⤷ If one is in danger, the other magically appears to save them. ⤷ Derek could be living in the forest or missing, but if Stiles blinks in distress, he's there.

✦ The "grumpy and traumatized guy" x "chaotic and talkative guy" dynamic never fails. ⤷ Stiles is pure sarcasm and chaotic energy. ⤷ Derek is a walking bad mood with a tragic past. ⤷ The perfect balance of "I'll annoy you until you laugh" and "I'll protect you even if I won’t admit it."

✦ Derek grabbing Stiles by the collar, staring intensely, as if about to kiss him right there. ⤷ EVERYONE saw that scene. ⤷ EVERYONE felt the tension. ⤷ The only thing that stopped that kiss was the script (and MTV’s fear of making us happy).

✦ Stiles is always worried about Derek, even when he shouldn’t be. ⤷ Derek could be an invincible werewolf, but Stiles always found a way to step in and take care of him. ⤷ "Derek, are you okay?" – Stiles, a powerless human, trying to save a super-strong Alpha.

✦ Derek being Stiles' reluctant, involuntary protector, like a grumpy werewolf husband. ⤷ "I'm not your babysitter, Stiles." ⤷ Two minutes later: Derek shows up to save him for the thousandth time.

✦ Ridiculous chemistry—even the actors admitted it. ⤷ Dylan O'Brien and Tyler Hoechlin knew what they were doing. ⤷ The fandom knew it. ⤷ Everyone knew it.

☙ And the fandom?

⇢ Wrote fanfics so well-developed they could be full seasons of the show. ⇢ Took random scenes and turned them into pure romantic tension. ⇢ Made Sterek the biggest ship in Teen Wolf, EVEN without being canon.

Teen Wolf may be over, but Sterek lives on forever in the fandom’s heart.

✦ Fangirling level: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 (Five flames because this ship set the internet on fire.)

✦ Honorable Mentions (because I can’t control myself) ✦

The obsession has no limits, and neither does my ability to get attached to ships. So, before I start rereading fanfics for the thousandth time, here are some ships that deserve to be exalted, analyzed, and discussed like academic studies.

🔥 Sanji x Zoro (ZoSan – One Piece) 🏴‍☠️ "A lovers’ quarrel disguised as rivalry."

• They tease each other so much that even non-shippers notice. • The "I hate you, but if someone touches you, I’ll kill them" energy never fails. • Sexual tension disguised as sword fights. • The way they always know where the other is. • Constant bickering that’s actually just disguised respect.

Conclusion? They argue like an old married couple, and the fandom KNOWS IT.

😇 Crowley x Aziraphale (Ineffable Husbands – Good Omens) ☁️ "Millennia of romantic tension and longing looks."

• Crowley going through literal hell for Aziraphale. • The fandom realized the truth before the characters did. • They are so married they forgot to make it official. • "We’re not friends. We’re something more." – Oh, but that line hurt. • Crowley pretending to be cynical while clearly willing to die for that soft angel.

Romance and suffering levels? Absurd.

🎸 Geralt x Jaskier (The Witcher) 🧙 "Bard and Witcher – the definition of married without knowing it."

• Jaskier writing desperate love songs about Geralt. • "Toss a coin to your Witcher" = translation: "I love you, you ungrateful idiot." • The "married for years, but one of them hasn’t realized it yet" energy. • Geralt grumbling while clearly caring about Jaskier. • The fandom has decided: Geralt can run all he wants, but he belongs to Jaskier.

💬 Now I want to know: which ships emotionally destroyed you? Tell me in the comments so we can suffer together and exchange fanfics like a friendship pact.

[sabrgirl]

muslims stop judging others challenge

imagine you're in an olympics race. on your marks, get set, go. but while you're in your lane, you're looking at all the other runners. that one is running funny. why is that one wearing two different coloured socks? that person's hair is flying in their face, how are they even going to see? with all this judgement towards everyone else, do you think you're going to win the race? while everyone else is focused on reaching the end, you're focused on them. yes, you might cross the finish line eventually but

you lost

you finished last

did you even qualify?

it's crazy that this judgement happens so much in this ummah specifically. some non-muslims end up hating on islam because of how muslims treat other people online. and in real life too. and some muslims have left islam because of the way other muslims treated them when they were doing wrong.

we're all humans taking the same test. we just have different trials. do you know what really is the cause of this judgement? your nafs. the ego.

the ego is fuelled by fear and projects its own insecurities and fears onto the world to try and bring itself up. it makes you think that you're superior to other people because, by doing so, it makes you feel 'confident' inside.

for eg, you may wear hijab and see someone else who doesn't. you start judging or gossiping or leaving rude and hateful comments, or even just a comment that you think is going to help her because your ego is saying 'wow, i'm such a good/better muslim than her because i wear the hijab'. but... what about when you see someone who seems like a better muslim than you? do you now all of a sudden feel... insecure? jealous? do you start hating on them or desperately try to find faults in them? do you feel less? if you do this, and you need to be honest with yourself if you do, this your ego/nafs you're listening to.

this isn't true confidence. if you do this, you likely have poor self worth that needs to be worked on and an ego to eradicate. luckily, islam is fundamentally based on the jihad against your inner self/nafs/ego - whatever you want to call it - to reform your character and get closer to Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ as a result of it. but that's a topic for another day.

Allah Himself has said:

O ye who believe! Do not let some men ridicule others, they may be better than them, nor let some women ridicule other women, they may be better than them. Do not defame one another, nor call each other by offensive nicknames. How evil it is to act rebelliously after having faith! And whoever does not repent, it is they who are the true wrongdoers. (49:12)

i.e. you will never know the true state of someone. why? because that is for Allah to know and for Him to judge.

when you see someone doing something they shouldn't, first realise that you've been guided by Allah to even recognise that in the first place. how many times in your life did you eventually realise that you were doing something bad and you didn't even know? or maybe you knew a specific thing was bad but you didn't know the reasons why, and now you do? you could've been so deaf, dumb and blind but Allah decided to guide you. so first drop the arrogance and praise Him for guiding you enough to recognise and understand the bad deed.

after this, you have two options:

1. you make du'a for them

'O Allah, please guide them to stop doing ______ / to start doing ______ and guide me closer to You too. please forgive us both for our sins'.

if it's something you used to do: 'O Allah, please guide them better than you guided me and forgive us both for our sins'.

the end. you move on. do not doubt the power of prayer.

2. you advise them

and this is the one where it oftentimes all goes wrong. again, let me mention again what Allah has said:

'Do not defame one another, nor call each other by offensive nicknames. How evil it is to act rebelliously after having faith! And whoever does not repent, it is they who are the true wrongdoers'.

notice that Allah said 'it is they who are the true wrongdoers'. the ones who are rude, who defame, who call each other offensive names, who backbite (if they don't repent).

so then, what's a good way to advise someone? a step-by-step guide:

approach them kindly, compliment them for whatever good you can see they already do.

before you advise them, tell them that you don't mean to dishearten them or hurt their feelings but want them to become better in their deen and character for Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ's sake and see them in jannah.

then proceed to tell them what you noticed is bad. relate your own experiences and struggles without exposing your own sins and tell them you understand the difficulty of reforming your character as you're a human too and have your own struggles and trials.

tell them what things helped/still help you. good deeds and ways of living. tell them how it helps you. reading the Qur'an helps you realise that Allah has bestowed so many favours for eg, and you don't want to upset Him.

share useful resources to help them on their journey. youtubers you watch, podcasts, qur'an verses.

explain to them that they should also do it for Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ's sake and should research why it's bad so that they truly have an understanding first (which will likely make them stop doing it, Insha'Allah)

respectfully acknowledge that they could actually be struggling with this sin and tell them that you understand that growth isn't an overnight journey but wanted to advise them anyway.

tell them that you'll pray for them and ask them to pray for you because you also struggle with things too.

for online/social media advising:

everything i just mentioned above but do it via DM rather than leaving a comment so that they feel less disheartened, let down and publicly shamed.

what not to do:

if you don't want to pray for them or advise them kindly, move on with your life.

do not leave rude comments

do not backbite and/or gossip

do not scold

do not have a harsh tone

we're all taking the same test. perhaps one of your tests is actually the way you treat other people when you see them doing wrong. you might think you simply left a comment because you're 'guiding other people'. but if they leave islam because of your words and treatment... well. what a thing to be held accountable for on the day of judgement, right?

[bathroomtrapped]

ohmygod i literally just made an account on letterboxd bc i watched saw (2004) and loved it so much and ur interview was so inspiring to me and ive been on an absolute craze trying to reblog like every single saw post on tumblr and i somehow found your account what the heck?!!?!?! ur art is AMAZING and i absolutely love ur takes on saw as a franchise and its significance to the queer community. i hope to be as knowledgeable of this franchise as you are one day despite me only being a baby saw fan!!

i had a quick question; i found on the saw heritage post blog that they thought leigh/james/someone else confirmed that saw (2004) did not actually occur the day before 9/11 despite the phone given to them being set to that date. however, when i asked them if they knew where this source was from (bc im so curious!!! i want to know everything!!!!!!) but neither they nor i could find the actual source for that so i was wondering if maybe u knew??? just curious :3

regardless ty for taking the time to read this and dedicating so much time to this fandom!! i love that horror fans like you exist in a fandom that i previously thought would be weird and slightly disturbed film bros (i had a lot of incorrect preconceived notions about saw that have been quickly resolved i promise)

thank you!! im glad that people feel the same way about it as i do but even if people thought i was some crazy transexual making everyone else woke and pronouns, i wouldnt care. the story, especially lawrences but adams as well, really resonates with me as a trans person for so so many reasons, more than i listed in the interview. to me, i cant read his character without filling in the gaps with trans subtext. it not only explains but also enriches the personal experiences of these characters as well as their dynamics with each other. theyre both characters that are defined primarily by how theyre seen by other people, themselves, and eventually each other. the narrative is soooo focused on perception and masks and who u truly are, i find it hard to separate any kind of queer theory from that.

as for the 9/11 question thats such a dumbass pet peeve of mine. its one of the things that makes me shout UMMMM ACTUALLY at the top of my lungs. my blood pressure sours to inhuman levels when someone confidently says the movie takes place not just in 2001 but the day before 9/11. not because of some interview or confirmation from any of the crew because my knowledge of old fandom history is incredibly spotty. old sites and interviews r a mystery to me for the most part BUT! the reason it is for sure not before 9/11 is because during the flashback of pauls trap (during lawrences monologue about jigsaw) kerry tapp and sing are all at the scene with other officers and i believe its kerry who holds up an evidence bag thats labeled 2004. the scene takes place 5 months before the events of saw 1 so its not possible that it takes place 3 years before that. it just seemed like a funny (but insanely bold considering how 9/11 was only 3 years before) joke and easter egg for people to catch on to, not actual lore meant to be taken seriously.

if u want to look for the interview, i would honestly just listen to the commentary tracks bc it mightve been said there. i know in the one with leigh, james, and cary they discuss plot holes fans complained about, questions fans had online, the fanfic they read (briefly LOL). ive only seen that one (and once) but theres at least 2 other commentary tracks with different people that i havent gotten around to for fear of like. completing saw? idk i cant bring myself to watch all of the commentary tracks but theres a chance they discuss it there! i can only speculate on the reason, all i know is that saw 2004 takes place in 2004 based on actual evidence from the media itself

if u have any other questions let me know. i still have the original draft of the interview which had more questions and longer responses bc i couldve gone on for days abt the lore and saw queer theory and ill never shut up about it

[arabella-s-arts]

Watched the new atla show. And now I will share my thoughts because I need to put them somewhere.

I agree with people that it kind of fell flat. More like an impersonation than the actual show. Also, people are right, where is Katara's rage? I'm not going to dive into it, because people already have, but Katara is stubborn and righteous, so where'd they put those qualities?

I wish the show would stop telling us everything. Like, stop telling me that Ozai thought finding the Avatar would be impossible, and sent Zuko on this quest anyway. I know, it's obvious. I don't need to be told the subtext, that's why it's subtext. Subtality could do this show a world of good.

Zhao's death sucked. It was perfect how it was in the original, it showed Zuko's kindness, and Zhao's hubris being his downfall was perfect. Also, this isn't necessarily a complaint, just something I noticed, Zhao feels different in the show. A guy with similar aspirations and ideas, yes, but not the same guy we all hate.

The acting wasn't always the greatest, but I can't tell if it's actually the actor's fault or script (probably script).

I wish Sokka was involved in the Jet plotline, he played a big part in it originally, and it really showed his true character.

Why did Katara and Aang never get any actual training in Northern Water Tribe? That's what they were there to do. Somehow, magically Katara became a master waterbender, because she what? Believed in herself? That's not how learning a skill works. Imagine trying to learn the flute, you're confident, and you figured out on your own how to play a few notes. But you still need someone to teach you the rest of the notes, how to trill, how to read the sheet music, etc. You can't learn everything just from confidence.

The costumes bothered me so much. Sokka and Katara's coats looked so light weight, which is probably more comfortable for the actors, but those coats could not shield you from a light breeze, much less a frozen tundra. Also someone pointed out that their clothes don't actually look worn, and they're right.

What on earth was the scarf scene? Why was it there? What was the point? I am not a Zutara shipper (though I have no hate for the shippers, just dislike for the ship), and now online is just going to be posts about that.

Was Suki just not wearing her warrior make-up because she had to kiss Sokka? Either way, it's still upsetting. The one time she doesn't wear her warrior make-up (which is an honor to wear) is when she's finally in a real fight, and on the day Kyoshi shows up too. Also, no Sokka wearing warrior make-up? I get if they couldn't fit it in, but it's still a bit sad.

I don't understand them getting rid of the fact that Aang ran away, I think it really makes his character more complex as he struggles to take on the responsibilities of the Avatar.

They sorta switched Sokka and Katara's roles in the Omashu tunnels, which I don't get.

Having Zuko fight Ozai in the Agni Kai was a terrible idea.

I'm sorry to say this, because I don't like Zuko being in pain. But Zuko's scar is smaller and a lot more understated than in the animation. I don't know much about burnt tissue, or how it will scar, especially with their technology. But we rarely see heroes with facial scars beyond a line through the eye or something, I don't want it taken away. The scar doesn't even seem to reach his ear. And I'm sad about them confirming his sight was fine. Zuko with some hearing and vision loss is technically just a headcanon. But then why did Zuko only leave his unscarred side up when sleeping around people he didn't trust in the animated version?

I could tell that Aang was airbending during it, so it wasn't really flying. But it's a little too similar, especially considering how significant flying is in Korra.

The thing that bothered me the most was Yue's death. Why was it barely acknowledged?! Yue made a huge sacrifice, but instead we're making up a plotline that causes Aang to have the spotlight instead. And when Sokka was talking to Arnook about Yue, somehow the conversation became focused on Sokka, and his insecurity, instead of someone they both deeply miss (though Sokka and Yue's relationship development could've been better). Sokka is joking around again by the end of the episode, it feels like her death never happened! And why make her a fish! No offense to fishes, but it feels less impactful, and in the original, we could see how Yue was able to keep some of herself alive in the way she presents herself as a spirit, she doesn't do that here.

Some things I liked:

Zuko being upset about Aang stealing his journal.

Sokka and Suki had really good chemistry (though, the show doesn't really give us a reason why Suki likes him, she seems annoyed with him when they first meet).

The effects were good, and I liked a lot of the fight scenes.

Kyoshi.

Oma and Shu being lesbians.

That one lady hitting Zuko for trying to hurt Aang.

Suki being awkward and beating up the guy she likes.

I am impressed with how they were able to overlap some story lines. That must have been difficult to figure out.

The sets.

Azula.

[mitamicah]

Now I finally seem to be able to do things let me present to you the results of the 'vibe' polls :3

Earlier this week I jumped on the hype train for polls about which bandmember of JO + what character in the käärijä universe you felt I shared a vibe with.

Now I could have shared the results earlier but one thing to know about me is that I often get stupid ideas so I decided that whoever you chose that I shared a vibe with I'd cosplay

So after having searched my closet for things that somehow worked without further ado here's the Joker Out member you guys voted I shared vibe with:

I got

Jure aka the cat 😸

I mean it was not even close x'D

This surprised me since I hadn't expected to be paired with the cat boy xD But thinking about it I can see why you guys would chose him - we share a sort of bubbly excitment for things and - at least online - I can come off as very energetic and silly x'D Also I am known to randomly meow at people x'D

However, personally I feel like Jure is way more extroverted than I am and so I am glad to see Nace being the second highest :'D I feel like we do indeed share a sense of calm/silent presence while still being able to join in on the fun - I think where I might divert from Nace is that I am definitely not good at being the mom friend :'D x'D

For Bojan in third I think we're back to the 'I see why you'd say that because I am quite energetic and excited online but also he is way more extroverted than I believe I am' argument :'D yet like I'll elaborate on below with the comments for the tags I can definitely see the points for why Bojan could fit :3

Jan and Kris being so far behind is ooooph x'D Well, I can kind of understand tho especially Kris :'D I am not sure I'd call myself a Kris either - he is way too cool and sassy compared to me x'D Jan might be too laid back idk?

Now, tag time :3

@sve-sto-znam Micek - I love it x'D (First nickname unlocked x'D hahahah)

@c28hunter + @anxious-witch awwwn you are both too nice :'3 Especially you, Eryka calling me a comfort blog 😭

@merlilica whelp x'D I see you definitely picked up on my excited puppy and/or orange cat vibes x'D I don't blame you :'D

@j-restlessgeek this one hits close to home :'3 because yes I am quite hard on myself and have always been :'D Also I can be a bit of a jack of all trades (master of none) sometimes x'D the last point is honestly very true - I am way too much of a rulefollower to cheat x'D

Now onto the Käärijä universe results

You guys chose ...

Häärijä

Actually, that didn't surprise me much x'D I would probably too have chosen the little yellow man given that all his little quirks reads as very autistic to me which to a dorky autistic person like me is very fitting x'D He seems a bit confused but a good guy and sport and I would like to think myself the same :'D Also we both have a dumptruck of an ass x'D

Käärijä and Jaakko sharing second surprised me tho - especially Jaakko but that might be because I am not sure what his personality is tbh x'D so I am curious to hear if either of you voting Jaakko could tell me what makes me a Jaakko :'D? Käärijä I can sort of understand since I have probably stolen way too much/let me inspire of his aesthetic recently x'D yet I also see it as a sort of compliment because I have indeed felt more confident (both in my body and in my weirdness) lately :'D <3

Third is a big tie but that is to be expected I guess when there's not many votes (which is fair it is a harder poll to answer :'D) so Jesse, Bojan and Tommy takes that spot :3

Time for comments on tags :D

@bisonaari see now it is here I'd love to hear from you (if you want to and/or have time mind you) Bison what exactly it means to be Jaakko coded since I am not sure myself :'D

@j-restlessgeek fair x'D

@anxious-witch This is so interesting since you pretty much just guessed my major x'D Sociology was my favourite topic the year I studied Journalism and after that I moved to study Psychology which is sort of the same thing so kudos to you to read me this well x'D I find it intersting as well that you mentioned me being right in other polls because personally I felt so lost in many of the polls x'D For that reason I tried only tagging on polls I was a bit more sure about and even then it was a lot of following the gut feeling x'D but really I don't mind I see it as a compliment being compared to Bojan :3 xD

And that was this - that was this very long and probably overly detailed rundown of the results x'D Thank you for everybody participating :3

[enoughisenough-archive]

My Experience with DollCreep

For those who don’t know me, my name is Vivienne Medrano.

I am a (now) 22 year old freelance animator, and creator of the webcomic “Zoophobia”.

While my life has changed so much in just the last few years, there is a part of my past that is chasing me to this day, literally.

An artist who used to at one point be debatably my closest friend (online) Jordyn Fischer aka: DollCreep.

Now this artist is relatively unknown, but his reach has actually impacted a lot of people I have met overtime and known around me, especially when I was younger. 

I am NOT the only person who has had a negative experience with Jordyn, and I am actually creating this blog to help people who might have experiences with Jordyn to feel open about sharing them, but for now I feel I am the one who should speak out.

Partly because he seems so intent on telling the world what a terrible person I am, and It’s caused a constant gut wrenching turmoil inside me, to know that somebody who caused me so much emotional and mental pain, is out there watching me, stalking me, taunting me, still judging everything I do, and trying to spread the image of me that he has concocted over the coarse of the time we knew each other, and since. I do not wish to continue feeling like a victim, I am choosing to finally tell what exactly our relationship has been and is now, in the hopes that people might see this person for who he really is.

So young impressionable artists will not fall victim to his words, who will not give up on their passions and work as I so nearly did in my college years.

I am writing this because enough is enough, and I want people to know who exactly they are supporting when they side with DollCreep, as Jordyn is known online.

I want to share a story I have kept to myself for a long time.

I warn you guys, this might get long. There is a lot to tell, but I promise to try to keep it as condensed as I possibly can!

I want to start this off by saying, looking back on the old conversations, the old messages, the old-everything, I cannot believe how much has changed in even just a few years. From the time me and DC were in constant almost daily communication ( late 2010-2013) to now, where I have been entirely free of being in direct contact with him for a full year. I cannot express to you how much my life changed during the time I have not had this person in my life. The fear is almost entirely gone, the passion is back, the confidence returning. I am able to take charge of my artistic choices, I have the strength to reach out to others and to even pitch my ideas to studios! Things I never would have imagined during the time I was speaking to DC. My artwork spiked in quality and my dream of being a professional character designer or board artist suddenly became more achievable.

I made a lot of mistakes in my past, even just in the last few years, I have said and done things I regret, and feel it’s time things are out in the open.

Now most of you are most likely asking, well what did this person do that was so bad? What makes him so terrible to warrant an entire tell-all testimony? What reason could you have to drag back stories and conversations from 2-3 years ago?

To briefly answer, this person is the single most destructive, creatively damaging, narcissistic, problematic, vindictive, manipulative, and mentally abusive person. I have ever met.

The reason I am posting about it now, despite two years passing since we officially “ended” our friendship, is because he is TO THIS DAY filling his blog with slander and mean spirited messages regarding me and my work.

There are other things that deeply worried me about this person, while in the relationship. Jordyn seemed to fetishize/romanticize physical abuse, violence, animal abuse, incest, racism, sexism and other such things directly in his works. I think if people paid more direct attention to the kinds of things he would draw and post and the things he would explain about his characters they -might- have seen glimpses, but being someone who he spewed ALL his character info to, and rped with him very regularly, I experienced many of these things first hand, and they always made me incredibly uncomfortable.

Like REALLY uncomfortable.

But I was young, when I first started talking to DC I was just leaving a very impressionable part of my life, that “edgy” phase where I wanted to learn more about the weird, and the strange, and I embraced it. He was a little less then a year younger then me, and he was the first person I had started to talk to online who had a bunch of characters to talk about. I had never met anyone who I could talk to about characters, and I had NEVER rped before, the idea of getting to have my characters interact with someone else’s was spellbinding for me, and I ended up becoming very engulfed in the relationship. 

Finally someone to share my stories with, to share my characters with, to have fun with and draw with! After I added him on MSN, we started talking almost daily. I don’t really recall anything in that first year being bad, that was from 2010-2011. In 2011 things started. It was my first year of SVA, the college I was attending through the duration of my friendship with DC. I was one of the only people in my class to be coming in directly from Highschool as a freshman, most of my classmates were older, having transferred from other colleges. This didn’t bother me at first as I seemed to hit off with everyone, but my relationship with DC was still in fullswing and I relied on him a lot since we were closer in age. We talked every moment I wasn’t in class, and I recall annoying  my roommate by staying up into the wee hours of morning just msn-ing with him. I ended up telling my classmates about our character-pairings and our friendship, because it was just that big a deal to me. To the point where one of my SVA friends at the time even started talking to him too. He was a big factor in my life.

That first year I remember was the year when both me and DC started to expand our casts, we both had a great number of characters, but it wasn’t until we started creating more and more at the same time did the first signs of DC’s true nature start appearing.

The earliest tipping point I can remember was when I created a character named “Arackniss” who was a spider inspired character.

I drew him and presented him to DC, hoping he would enjoy him. But the first reaction I received was “Wait, this looks like something -I- would draw. I’m doing bug characters, why are you suddenly drawing them?”

I was so taken aback by this, especially considering I was decently proud of the design, and had created it to expressly experiment with a theme that scared me. That theme being “spiders”, I wanted to have fun with a theme that I had an emotional reaction to.

What I had seen as a design and creative challenge, he saw as a front to his work. But this was the first sign of rough waters to come, I did not know me drawing something with a theme similar to what DC was working with would bother him, I had never met anyone bothered by things like that. I had never seen him draw a spider character, so I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it, but regardless I tried to ignore it and carry on.

Fast forward to 2012. By now our relationship had been pretty steady, we still talked daily, we still rped, by now we had a few shared character pairings and other such things you have when you are young and playing around with fellow artists, but the “this looks like mine” vibe had come up a number of times. It never had a lasting effect usually we would laugh it off and go back to drawing, though I had started drawing the characters he’d take issue with less and less.

In 2012, things got worse.

Now I wish I had the ability to share screencaps from conversations as far back as this but unfortunately there is really nothing to show, and all I have is my word. But this was the year the abuse really started to take effect. DC started meeting new friends, and he would forbid me from contacting them, he would share with me negative things they would say about me and my work. He started to accuse me of stealing from him almost constantly, and actually demand that I kill off the characters in question. All of this caused me to have panic attacks, my confidence in my art and ability plummeted, I started staying in, sleeping more, skipping classes, not socializing. I felt adrift from a lot of my SVA friends, because I was always bothered by “something DC said”. I could tell a lot of my older classmates found the whole thing to be rather childish and didn’t seem to care about it, and my living situation was very uncomfortable as I wasn’t getting along well with my roommate. This was the year one of my dearest friends, and someone I knew actually before DC, started her first year at SVA. Having her there is the only thing that saved me from the dark thoughts that started to accumulate more and more due to the negative impact DC was having on me.

She actually was the first person to encourage me to stop caring what Doll said, and that maybe our relationship wasn’t healthy, which deep down I agreed with, but I had never ended a friendship and I was honestly too scared to do so.

DC implemented another tactic, he would go silent for weeks at a time. I would message him and get no response, but a minute later he would post a new drawing or reblog something on tumblr. Every time this happened I would have a violent panic attack and start messaging him incessantly, asking what I did wrong, what happened, if he was upset with me. Usually he would respond in a day or so telling me he “needed space” but during the waiting period I would be unable to sleep or eat or do much of anything, and once he responded or assured me I hadn’t done anything, or told me I did to just give some kind of validation, I would be able to relax and breath.

I know to some this might seem like not a big deal, but realize by this point in the relationship DC had asserted his dominance. He had beaten me into submission on which characters I drew, he would criticize my work unprompted, he would play up his own stories and characters while disregarding mine, only giving the rarest amount of positive feedback or general approval, so that I would feel so special when he liked something, and try even harder when he didn’t. He would often refer to my characters as “normies” because they weren’t as edgy and “unique” as his were. We still usually talked almost daily, so when he would just go silent with absolutely no reason given, or any response at all, while still actively showing his online activity knowing I’d see it, It was a very powerful tool for keeping me under his control. To keep me asking what I did wrong, looking for his forgiveness. He had total control, he controlled when I felt confident and he controlled when I was desperate and begging him to know what I had done wrong “this time”. He also started having a lot of issues with my fans, belittling them often, and claiming that my work appealed to more ‘annoying’ people because it was more “mainstream”.

It really made me feel nothing I did was actually good.

This was almost the entirety of my sophomore year at SVA, it was to date one of the darkest times, in my entire life. People who followed my work around then, might not know this because I still drew, I still had a bit of my hyper fangirl persona, I still reblogged a lot of silly things on tumblr and drew a lot of characters and art, but deep down, it was a constant struggle. When I drew something my first thought would be, “will this upset Doll?” or “Will Doll like this maybe?” my stories and ideas had to tip-toe around him, when I saw him draw something similar to an idea I’d have, i’d kill it, on the spot. I can’t tell you how many characters and ideas I never even acted on, because of the fear of DC’s scorn, and yet even despite all my worrying and all my paranoia he still found ways to find the tiniest similarities in things that had nothing in common. Even so far as things like “that expression looks like something I doodled” or “I haven’t seen you use that color scheme before” it was absolutely ridiculous.

Fast forward another year.

Junior year of SVA.

I am now rooming with the friend I mentioned before, it is one of the best years at SVA. I felt comfortable with who I lived with, I had a more healthy social life, and I had a new animation instructor, who had genuine faith in me and was helping break down the walls of creativity DC had forced me too build up. My instructor started to help me with my character design skills, and when I showed apprehension for branching out to more diverse style elements or using different themes in my work, he would express to me how incredibly limiting it was for an artist (especially a designer) to restrict themselves from anything. It was really what I needed to hear, and thanks to my healthier living environment and more supportive adviser and friends, I was finally starting to break myself from some of the creative bonds that DC had me in. This lead to much more  turbulence in the relationship. I started to argue back more when he was compare, or demand I make changes, and I think this shift caused more and more to happen. 

DC finally forbid me from looking at his work, because he was convinced I was taking things from him “subconsciously” and this ended up being a demand I listened too, because I felt it would rid him of the fear I was taking things and free me of the guilt of worrying about it.

His other control tactics started getting more and more noticeable, for example he tried to start talking to my roommate, but they didn’t really speak much and he attempted to make me paranoid of my relationship with her.

Another thing that happened around this time, during the rough waters. DC sold me three characters of his that we had had shared pairings with. He said that he had no desire to involve the characters in his own stories, and I was so attached to the pairings that I was overjoyed to purchase and own the characters so I could more freely use them in my works. But after the transaction, things only started getting more and more rocky between us. I was starting to be more independent and spending a lot more time with my roommate, and it was actually something I drew for her that pushed DC over the edge.

One morning I woke up, and my roommate informed me that she had received a rather strange confusing messaged from Doll over facebook. It had said.

She asked me what that meant and I was baffled, I had no idea what that meant, so I quickly got on my computer and found that DC had blocked me everywhere, I logged on skype and was greeted by this.

I was stunned. A joke doodle where I referenced an expression from “Leo and Satan” is what pushed him to end our friendship. I kind of sat back and after crying for about 20 minutes I sat up and realized this could be the best thing to happen to me. I suddenly felt a wave of relief and ended up moving on fairly quickly. I started openly drawing more of the stuff I was scared too before and during this time we weren’t talking I really felt more motivated and creative then I had in a very long time.

Still, I did do some things that ticked him off. I reblogged a few posts on tumblr about abusive relationships. One of them was a post about the representation of emotionally abusive relationships in the film “Tangled”, and I started to make design changes to the characters I had purchased from DC.

He was quick to contact me about how he planned to “sue” me for changing the characters, and how he didn’t sell them to me to be changed, demanding I portray them perfectly or not use them.

We corresponded a few times, mostly me spelling out for him what I planned for the characters, and trying to explain what had happened in the first place to upset him.

Once things were “settled” I continued on with my life, I started an internship and continued to feel more and more confident again with my work and with my life. Things were better, I was happier. 

But then one day, I received this.

This message was not what I expected, I had never experienced DC being this  ‘humble’, seeming this regretful and offering something to me. It was such an out of the blue message that I did not ever expect to get, and It totally fooled me, it hooked me back in. I took it as an apology, despite the fact he did not actually apologize or own up to anything he had done. I found it sweet and meaningful, and I had not ever considered having “Jiji” but I thought her design was cute and fun, and I felt like I could give her a good home, so I accepted his offer, buying her off him and this was when we negotiated our final contract and worked it out about a month later.

I remained wary about our actual friendship however, I told him it would be fine if he messaged me on DA, and we ended up chatting casually again through notes. Then he expressed interest in rp-ing again, and he told me he was in the mood to RP the characters I had purchased and he knew I enjoyed, so I quickly agreed and added him on skype again!

But as soon as I did, he backtracked on the promise of rp-ing.

So then we were back in direct contact, and even more things started to happen, and some enormous red flags started to surface.

The worst one being when he confronted me again about the “abuse” posts I made, which were only reblogs at the time.

Honestly looking back at this, It made me sick to my stomach. His words are the blatant words of an abuser. An abuser sees the weakness of others as their own fault, that they should stay quiet about it and that something happening online can’t constitute abuse, and there was me.

Agreeing with him, and submitting to his words yet again.

I fell right back into the relationship, all the old feelings and fears came back, but this time I stood my ground more every so often. We would get into argumentative conversations regarding artistic inspiration and idealogical “theft”. Where he essentially saw anything that didn’t come from thin air as “jipping”. He also had an strong notion that themes and concepts he was using for his stories were exclusive to him, and despite my own ideas or interests, I should never cross the boundaries into what he considered “his gig”

He would also try to drag me into scenarios he was talking about, making me feel very uncomfortable and self conscious. Such as when he would get onto the subject of offending people by propitiating racial stereotypes, and grouping me in with him. He would often use slurs and wording that was problematic, but he would use my work as an example of what people would get offended by, making me feel like the villain of a situation that I had not even wanted to discuss.

He would snap at me when I would attempt to give him advice or even just try to make him feel better about things he was working on. He would complain to me a great deal about how he was scared he would never make it anywhere in the art world, and how much better off I was because I got to go to college and I had more “popularity”. I felt guilty of my privilege and would constantly try to encourage him, I was constantly trying to make his effort justified and try to support his work and what he was working on.

After acquiring the characters from him, I would tell him ideas I had for them in my story, and he would often criticize my ideas for them and recommend I reference his characters, despite the fact my story’s world exists outside of rps or his story’s canon, so it would make no sense and limit my own story. He would tell me the ideas I had weren’t as valid or strong, as well as make snide remarks about how I was depicting the characters he sold to me.

He would often drop the character accusations more casually into conversations rather then bringing them up more directly, he’d try to kind of brush them off as something he didn’t care about when clearly he was still obsessed with he subject. He later had issues with my characters Angel and Mimzy. Finding them similar to one of his characters.

His problems were very rooted in his work being associated with mine, despite we were public friends and did a lot of collaborative things. He was very quick to attack me when fans or anyone else associated our work too much.

It has occurred to me finding all these caps and reading over old conversations. I could be wrong but I do not think he has ever said “I’m sorry” to me. Not once.

After a long time of things like this happening, we started to talk less and less. We still would here and there but I was definitely starting to move on by now, I was starting to maintain my confidence, and his comparisons happened with such weak reasoning that I was really starting to get over things.

My 21st birthday eventually rolled around, and I didn’t hear from him, which was a personal upset but I tried to ignore it. But a bout a week after my birthday a whole new mess started.

THE END OF THE FRIENDSHIP

I’d be a liar if I said that I was never bothered by character theft as well. Whether it be DC’s influence or my own insecurities as I was a developing artist. But when people traced my work, duplicated my characters or anything of the sort, I wouldn’t always react the best. In 2012 someone came to me with a story called “Cartoonphobia” their logo the same style as mine and their main cast having nearly identical names to my main characters: Zill, Kayla, ect.

That was the first time I had ever experienced such blatant theft and I made a DA journal about them, but after a bout 2 hours I pulled it down, regretting making a big deal of it. 

Usually what gets me upset by people “stealing” from my work is when their attitudes towards me are very disrespectful. I do not see similarities in work unless it a incredibly evident, or pointed out to me, and I am only really upset by it when the person shows no signs of respecting me as an artist or influence. In 2013 another artist came onto my radar. They had been a fan of my work, and they had started to churn out a very large amount of characters with direct resemblance to my work. I turned a blind eye to it, but when more and more of my fans started linking me to this artist it became harder and harder to ignore them. I eventually succumbed and sent them a note, originally with advice on focusing on created characters to develop them, rather then churning out characters on a daily basis. Their reaction was rather hostile and I was taken aback, which started a back and forth. They spoke in a very defensive way and contradicted themselves a lot, lashing out at questions I’d ask and all in all it didn’t end well. I basically threw up my hands and said “I’m done trying to talk rationally to you” and that was the end of it. They later messaged again apologizing for their anger, and actually asked me to help them move more away from my work. I was flattered by this and agreed to help them. One of the things they asked me to do was compile a comparison chart of their characters and mine, which I did. A lot of irrelevant drama ended up going down, and I gave someone else permission to post this collage of characters, which I then reblogged myself on tumblr.

I added the caption:

“I actually made this compilation a couple weeks back on request of the assailant when they asked me “which characters I thought were jipped” I threw this together very fast and this is not even all of them, also pardon the spelling mistakes in the lil notes I wrote, I had been trying just to get this over with fast at the time, I gave ___ permission to post this along with possibly even more examples because I am just tired of this.

for the record also, this person has in fact admitted to me, that she has my work vividly in her head while drawing and designing characters and making up story and shit, and yet she refused to change any designs drastically even when shown this.

A lot of people are taking from me, but this person literally is taking like my entire cast haha. Also I’m not the only person shes taking from, I’m just the -most- taken from.

I do not appreciate it, if you like my characters enough to steal THIS MUCH from me, just draw me fan art. like jeez.”

I am ashamed of this post.

Not only has my attitude towards character “theft” changed a great deal over time (greatly influenced by this situation in fact) but I also register how unbelievably egotistical my wording was, it honestly makes me very ashamed to this day, despite this being a few years old now, and I am sorry to anyone who I may have talked to with this kind of tone. I do not think my creativity outmatches anyone else’s, there are many artists and creators I draw influence from, it is a fact of life. An artist learns from others, that how they grow. 

Nowadays my attitude towards the idea of younger artists being influenced by my work has greatly changed, I am honored my work inspires people enough to warrant things looking similar. It is not something I feel is bother being bothered by, and from what I have endured with DC, I do not want to inflict the same damage onto a budding artist that was inflicted on me.

Anyways, why is this relevant to the DollCreep testimony, well mostly due to the fact this post was a vital turning point in what would become the final end of our friendship.

The post was reblogged by DC, who added this:

This was the moment where someone who had done this kind of thing to me countless times in private had finally let his true intentions and feelings become public. It was the moment everything changed, I snapped. I was physically trembling, physically ill. My response was defensive and noticeably rattled, which was honestly just to be expected at the time from me, I’m not proud of this entire situation but it really did instill into me how incredibly childish it is to bring these kinds of issues into the forefront. It started me on my personal rethinking of the notion that all intellectual property is 100% sacred and not to be meddled with. Once you put your work out there it stops being yours. You can never fully control how someone else perceives your work or characters, you just have to trust that you know them best and that is what matters.

In any case, this post Jordyn had made was incredibly hypocritical, not only was he hijacking a post that had nothing to do with him and making it about himself, but he was also doing so by doing the EXACT same thing as I had done. Instead of commenting with something like “Hey Viv, everyone is influenced by something, you shouldn’t bring down someone who is clearly inspired by you, you are being a huge jerk.” Which is something I honestly needed to hear, and would have been constructive and honest as a friend (because I was in the wrong).

He basically made me out to be a pure thief of his own personal work, over very small and incidental similarities that when I showed them to unbiased people had to squint their eyes and go “ehhh… I guess?” Followed by rude and incredibly snarky and disrespectful gifs and an attitude that reeked of egotistic scorn. he even horizontally swapped on one of his examples so that it more closely resembled my drawing.

This was my wakeup, spurred on by the fact that this person I had once considered so close, someone I told things about myself too that I had never told anyone else for fear of judgment. It just proved to me this person never cared about me, that all the insecurities and thoughts and realizations that had built up over time were correct. That my family and friends had been right all along.

It took enough of a step over the line of forgiveness to give me the rage and confidence to stand my ground, to say enough was enough.

So I cut ties officially. Deleted the post, changed my skype, and tried to move on.

This didn’t stop DC from contacting me on Facebook soon after to try to continue the situation, and further prove to me how little he “cared about people stealing his work” by proving the exact opposite. Something I was honestly very used to by this point.

By this point it was actually a bit of time after the post-situation had happened, and I had actually started talking to someone else who had been one of DC’s close friends around the same time as me. This person and I were not encouraged to be in contact by Doll, he claimed we would not like each other. But thanks to the post, this person felt encouraged to reach out to me, and we actually ended up discovering a lot of things about our relationships with DC once we were finally able to talk about it with each other. This person is actually now a friend of mine.

To me, keeping us apart and finally having direct proof of the kind of things he had been saying about me to this person, hearing and seeing direct things he said in regard to me as a person, my work, my characters, my interests. It was unbelievably hurtful, and it just instilled the absolute certainty in my mind that DollCreep does not care for anyone but himself.

So my response was of coarse very set, I had learned much more about DC’s real character while he sulked and festered on his response to a post that hadn’t been relevant for a few days. Despite my attempts to just end things cleanly and not get into a heated exhausting debate, he immediately zeroed in on the mention of someone else telling me things, something I’m sure he never wanted to happen, for exactly the reason that resulted in me having the strength to cut ties. Abusers don’t want their victims to talk to each other, they want to maintain control of all parties, they don’t want people to be able to relate, to be able to make theses huge realizations about them. The moment that was mentioned his focus narrowed, and he demanded to learn who it was, something I refused to tell him.

So that was the end of that. But good things don’t last forever- yet again.

 One day I was greeted by yet another note on DA

This time I had the common sense to keep him at arms length. I thanked him for his “apology” and told him he could contact me on DA if he so chose, but that I had no desire pursuing any kind of continued friendship. He seemed to accept this and things were ok- Until I started “Die Young”

Because Die Young featured one of the characters I had originally purchased from him, he was very quick to demand I give him full credit, despite him having no involvement with the project, no creative input, no idea I was even planning the project or really anything at all, he demanded full gleaming “character design” credit, something I initially agreed too. That is, until a friend of mine saw some rude and mean things he was posting on his blog about me.

I am very self conscious about my appearance, I don’t like posting pictures of myself, and I was already trying to bury that real life encounter with DC deep into the recesses of my mind. So the fact he was dragging it out and mocking it was just another tactic to bring embarrassment and mockery to me.

It was the last straw. I consulted my entire family on what to do, my family helped me come up with a plan and compose a simple final message. That message was.

Then I blocked him.

the rest really is history.

From the moment, I sent the message and blocked him, he began posting about me nonstop. About everything, he’d screencap things from my blog and complain about them, he’d complain about Die Young, complain about Jiji, complain about things he knew I liked, complain about the music I posted, spew all his opinions of me. How I am “so obsessed” with him, how I idolize his work so much. How Die Young was his idea and it was owed to him, how he was robbed of credit (despite still being in the credits).

The pressure of his actions and the fact enough time had gone by I was no longer dependent on them: caused me to retired the characters I had purchased from him, instead replacing them with more original characters to fit into the same roles. One of them being Jayjay, who was the spiritual successor of “Jiji”

Jay is the character I animated in Die Young, the character DC proclaims from on high is still owed to him and being paraded around by me and I did nothing to change her or make her more likable?

If you guys want to know what the “real” Jiji was like. Here she is.

It makes me sick that this person is still having people on his side, knowing the things has has done to me and people I’ve known.

Seeing people believing the things he is saying. It’s so frustrating and upsetting.

It upsets me that people can’t see through the things he says, his blatant disrespect to his fans. The fact he claims I am obsessed with him while he is the one making post after post in regard to me for nearly a full year! The caps I have are all thanks to my friends and family who braved his blog to find all the things he has been posting about me.

Am I a perfect person? No! Did I make mistakes in the past? Oh yes, I regret so much. I regret things I have said, I regret people I may have hurt. But It has been 2 years since the post fiasco, and I am trying to change myself. To move on, to grow as an artist and as a role model.

I was hoping that DC would move on, once we were no longer in contact, no longer in connection. No longer having really any reason to pay attention to each other. Once I installed a tracker on my blog, I was disturbed to know how often he still comes to my blog.

I have deep fears of stalking from past experiences, and considering the level of abuse I have endured at his hands, and the fact he is so continuously vindictive, I am genuinely afraid of DC.

EDIT: As recently as July 29th 2015, right before the creation of the Vivienne-medrano-abuse tumblr, he posted this.

I can’t really express how blatant an example of his vindictive nature then this. Unprompted.

The violent and disturbing themes in his work, and the complete lack of understanding of my feelings or life really scares me to what lengths me might go to bring me harm.

The traits of abuse DC directly showed me were.

 Humiliating or embarrassing you.

Constant put-downs.

Hypercriticism. 

 Refusing to communicate. 

Ignoring or excluding you. 

Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.

 Unreasonable jealousy. 

 Extreme moodiness. 

Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you. 

Saying “I love you but…” 

Domination and control. 

Withdrawal of affection. 

Guilt trips. 

Making everything your fault. 

Isolating you from friends and family.  Earlier I mentioned all the extremely disturbing things promoted in his work that I knew about due to being more closely involved with him. These things are harder to pinpoint if you do not have a familiarity with his characters, so I will just loosely summarize some of the ones I experienced.

a romanticized incestuous relationship between a serial killer and his deformed son. Who was also a zoophile. This relationship was also exceedingly violent.

a number of racial and sexual-oriented stereotype characters. 

romanticized physically abusive relationships.

Female characters created with their defining character trait being “large breasts”

It occurs to me that DC’s work has always been geared towards being purposely “disturbing and edgy” so such themes are not something that can never been done in a way that suits an artistic vision. It’s not so much the subject matter being -used- as for the fact that speaking directly to DC like I had been, the way he spoke about these aspects of the stories was 100% serious, and enjoying it. He did not seem to register that these things were -wrong- just that they were “taboo”, and that is what made him want to involve them.

He also would express to me the desire to adopt children, and as far as I am aware, he is currently working with children, and I am honestly really concerned for those children considering his destructive influence.

Just being in the presence of this person for long enough, you will find he has a way of making you feel less unique and important as him. He is always the most special, the most tormented, the one with the biggest struggle, the most problems, the most creative vision.

He convinced me that because I was going to SVA, and he was stuck at home with his “disabilities” that my problems were not as valid as his. That my own mental disabilities and mental health issues were not as bad as his. That everything I did was subconsciously stolen from him, despite the fact over time I started to despise his work, to the point that nowadays seeing his artwork or style triggers me into a violent trembling fit. I cannot look at his blog, and it took almost physical strength and will to log onto my old skype to scour months worth of chat to find examples of the things he’d say, I saved a number of other caps, but I wanted to try to keep this as condensed as I could.

There is simply too much, and I’m sure if I spent even more time looking I would find even more.

The fact has been proven to me time and again, that DC is dangerous to those around him, as far as lying to artists he knows are friends in order to initiate a feud between them, trying to tell someone lies about someone they have actually known for years in person, deliberately telling people things his ‘other’ friends would say about them, dumping his girlfriend, a friend he had for around 4 years because she dared to try to get him to adhere to legal suggestions after he encouraged her to send a false cease and desist to me.

Selling a character he had no legal right to to someone else (see here an entire other post regarding his legal-fraud) which is a whole nothing situation that I didn’t even want to get into here.

DollCreep is a genuine abuser, he is determined to find impressionable artists he can gain control of, so they can validate him and his work, make him feel powerful and accomplished. To feed his superiority, and stroke his ego, he is hurtful with his words, and clouded with his opinions of what defines creativity.

If you are a young artist who looks up too DollCreep, please. PLEASE do not talk to him directly, he will judge you, and if he feels he can benefit from you, he will use you, and he will break you. 

He does not respect you, so please just be safe.

I do not condone sending hate to DollCreep, In fact I hope people just take my story to heart, and avoid this artist, especially if you are young and unconfident in your art or characters, he will pick apart everything he sees in your work.

Protect yourself, protect others, don’t let these kinds of people get away with the terrible things they do.

Thank you for reading all this, and I hope it could help at least someone.

-Viv

[archivalofsins]

I haven’t voted, haven’t judged but I’ll tell you what I think just because,

What I think about @tsumigram so far live reaction and observations (with Star!).

Reaction to introduction

G: I don’t really have any thoughts on it. Personally, I don’t find the name of the guard all that interesting. It reminds me of a mobile game called Alter Ego, and the way it dives into the concept of id, ego and super ego. I’m not fond of this concept, and haven’t been far before Milgram or this. So, being indifferent or meh about the name is a personal hangup. The most interesting thing about the introduction is that the guard is told to take care of the prisoners instead of judge them, which gives it a more considerate impression than Milgram. Like it’ll be more focused on rehabilitation than judgement. That’s all I feel about it, really.

S: I don’t really have anything to say either- but I do appreciate the way Ego is introduced. Though admittedly, I initially misread the quote as Ego telling the audience to care about the prisoners no matter what happens.

Reaction to Voice Drama-

G: I find it interesting that Ego’s voice drama starts with Jacka complimenting Ego on their excellent memory and Ego explaining to the audience where this is. Unlike with Es. Doing this shows that Ego for one reason or another has been involved or informed about Milgram previously. Probably a nod to the novels as past prisoners have been made guards within there. Makes me curious if anyone has questioned Ego on what all they remember or know about Milgram.

It’s also interesting that Ego notes there being a problem with her body and feeling sluggish. Even though Jacka says that must be normal there’s really no indication whether Jacka is saying that’s normal for people in general or just Ego.  This is something only further highlighted the further in the voice drama you go as Ego continually reiterates to Jacka that she is used to this place so there’s nothing to be impressed with. So, it’s seems to be something that’s being intentionally and willfully highlighted.

It's to the point that even Jacka asks what exactly Ego remembers. As though she’s only meant to remember her guard duty and the purpose of the prison nothing more. J

About the unnamed prisoner… They seem like a cool type. You know, a chill, confident, but super quiet and reserved person. It might be hard to get information out of them.

Jacka notes that the unnamed prisoner (Hotaru) seems like the cool type. More they’re reserved and standoffish. So, they might be difficult to get information from, indifferent to authority figures or the situation they’re in. Jacka is very polite and complimentary when speaking about them but ultimately what they convey is negative.

Jacka notes that this Milgram was incapable of identifying the unnamed prisoner as well. So, this Milgram may work under different constraints than others or the unnamed prisoner exists off the grid in some way. Yet if the information extracted on the prisoners and how they identify is gathered from their own mind this could allude to the unnamed prisoner having memory issues as well. However, Milgram tends to use a mix of extracting information from the prisoners, government sources, and public information. I say it extracts information from the prisoners memories due to the glitched voice lines which are dialogue from previous interactions the prisoners had, government sources due to the photos provided on their detainment form being reminiscent of crime scene photos and public information due to characters online information being put on full display (i.e Yuno’s photos which seem to have been posted to Instagram, Futa’s tweets, and the news article discussing Kotoko.).

So, it’s a bit odd that this Milgram was incapable of identifying the unnamed prisoner through any of the shown methods of identification listed.

Jacka’s only statement on Remi is that she believes Ego would get along with her. Because they seem to have a lot in common. She doesn’t go into depth why but from how Ego has acted over the course of the voice drama it’s may be due to them both being forward individuals. A bit blunt and overbearing in a inconsiderate/oblivious manner maybe? I would have to see more of Remi to really be sure. Ego assumes Jacka only makes this assertion because they are both teenagers.

Tonoshita Kouta. A modest-looking university student. When it's time for the interrogation, be sure to make him feel at ease, okay? He seems really worried.

States that he’s anxious or worried about the events they find themselves in and to make him feel more at ease in the interrogation. All of these things are natural responses. However, it’s odd of Jacka to be putting the prisoner’s comfort on Ego. This is a prison after all not a resort. They’re being held here so how comfortable can Ego reasonably make things. Especially in a situation where she has to interrogate them? Kind of a weird request. The environment really isn’t suited to comfort regardless of how one looks at it.

Jacka also says she thinks his hair is cute so maybe she has a soft spot for this prisoner. Which is further implied by Jacka asking if Ego is jealous when she asks if Jacka just thinks everyone is cute after. Though Jacka reassures Ego that she’s the cutest.

Jacka: Prisoner number 4, Yuunagi Kai. I remember she's the oldest one here. There's some kind of an uneasy feeling around her, but she's cute, so I don't mind it.

Ego: What do you mean, an uneasy feeling?

Jacka: Hm-m, like, she seems to hide secrets. Might be hard to find out the information about her, too.

So, Kai is dishonest. Probably lies by omission a lot. Not one to very willfully disclose incriminating information about themselves or be up front with their feelings. It could be a numerous amount of things but watch out for this one they hide things is made very clear.

It’s noted that Ayame had deep eyebags in her prisoner card photo. Jacka blames this on poor sleeping habits, but eye bags are actually caused by a variety of factors. One of the factors being genetics and aging in general outside of disordered sleep, sleep deprivation, or disrupted sleep. Chronic illnesses, smoking, and allergies can also play a role in these forming too. Basically even though Jacka says it’s because she has a poor sleeping patterns it can be a number of things. If it is just due to sleep then these usual tend to form due to disrupted or troubled sleep. So not just not sleeping in general but having poor sleep due to things like chronic nightmares or stress induced nightmares would still lead to eyebags. Basically, she could be sleeping more than the average person and still have these.

Chances are her sleep is bad either way though.

Ego comments that there’s a lot of girls once again alluding to her being used to Milgram in some form. She may be more used to it having an even split between genders? Jacka just responds to Ego’s comment on this by stating she brought them to keep Ego company. Ego doesn’t seem to like other girls much. Given she comments on their being a lot of them and when Jacka states Chise is beautiful and reminds her of an angel ego responds with,

 “Huh, so a pretty girl. Those tend to be arrogant.”

Makes me wonder what Ego’s experiences with other girls have been like up until this point.

IT’S THE BOY! BOY, BOY, BOY-

Suzuki Toa. A teenage boy. I appreciate his cheerfulness, but he seems like an average adolescent of the human species. Not much to tell about him.

Jacka hates my boy, Jacka said this bitch is boring yet. It’s because he’s not a beautiful girl isn’t it Jacka? Toa gender swap when so Jacka has to love him. Chise and Ayame should be allowed to dress Toa up for fun. Not but in all seriousness Jacka’s statement on Toa is very reminiscent of how Jackalope refers to Mikoto in Es’ voice drama. Which is very funny to me. Because I basically saw Toa and went bully victim. He’s looks like is Mu and Mikoto fused into one person. So bullyable. Can’t wait for the It’s Not My Fault or MeMe arc pal.

Meanwhile Ego,

Ego: Thank you for the information…

Thanks for giving me nothing Jacka love to see it- Take away he is boy. What type, who knows.

Jacka: Prisoner number 8, Shimizu Miku. A teenage boy as well, but he has much more personality in him. Seems like a bit hard to deal with, though.

…Hm…

Ego: You're staring at me again.

Jacka: Yeah, he must be a snarky kid like you.

Ego: Oh, come on. Boys are much more annoying, so don't compare us.

Jacka: Is that so?

Damn Ego miss I don’t like girls but guys are worse. What do type of people do you like? At this point Ego’s gonna run into someone with no gender and still find a way to complain. Ego be like,

“Oh, you’re nonbinary that’s nice. You’re still falling squarely in the category of asshole in my book though. Seriously how much of a pain can you be.”

It’s not even being sexist at this point I think she just doesn’t like other people that much. Or really loves being contrarian could be either. Love that subtle jab at Toa when the polite rabbit doesn’t even have anything good to say about you. So little good in fact they have to highlight being able to say something about the person after you to cope. Free Toa- Jacka’s right but free him anyway he can’t keep getting hoed like this. It has to hurt.

Jacka: The last one, prisoner number 9.

Ego: —The last one? There's two more rooms.

Jacka: They're locked.

Ego: Huh. What's behind them?

Jacka: I don't know. I'm not really responsible for this prison, remember? It's your job to research every corner here. Maybe you'll even find a key to these doors!

Ego: Ah-h…

Um, genuine question are we supposed to be able to look around in this milgram? Does it have more ARG elements that people aren’t privy to yet because they just haven’t tried actually one second. Okay now that- that’s done. Moving forward.

Jacka: Anyway, prisoner number 9, Nishiyama Hiiro. A university student. If you ask me, I think a longer hair would make her better. Also, she seems pretty dissatisfied with the condition she's in, so be careful.

Ego: Is she going to attack me or what?

Jacka: Prisoners can't attack the warden, so no worries about it.

Ego: Really?

Jacka: You’ll see it yourself if anything happens, but yes, really. I can't predict the prisoners’ actions, but her angry look really got engraved in my mind.

The bell rings even though there’s not an interrogation going on this differs from the end of Es’ own voice drama. Which ends with mechanical noises and Jackalope ordering Es to knock them out. Before Es responds with,

“Sure. Let’s do my first job as the prison guard.”

The bell ringing as though this is the end of a prisoner interrogation instead of a guards voice drama coupled with the fact that there are only nine prisoners makes it likely that the room of the tenth prisoners is Ego’s. Which would explain why Jacka is asking about what all Ego remembers and routinely makes comments on who she would possibly get along with well out of the prisoners.

It would make sense if Jacka saw the prisoners that she makes those sort of statements on interacting with Ego well before this getting along with her and in order to really test what Ego does or does not remember she keeps routinely making statements like these. Especially since she becomes suspicious of her memory at the beginning of this voice drama. Yet, that’s just heavy speculation. It’s also just funny that Jacka makes it clear Ego could find the key to these rooms if she investigated the prison further.

Well, those are all my thoughts from reading over the voice drama.

S: There’s not much else I can add, except for the fact I find the use of capricious as a descriptor for Ego interesting. Also this has nothing to do with analyzing or anything but Jacka gives me the same vibes as Zero the third in Virtues Last Reward. That and the fact that I’m sticking a pin in the knowledge that these prisoners were picked for Ego, as opposed to being randomly assigned to her.

Reaction to Character Profiles

G: Tsumi’s art is always really good. I like to see their more experimental stuff personally. Yet their art has a bit of a cloudy dreamlike weight to it. That’s turbulent. Changes like the look of the sky. Like sometimes it’s a bit like a clear afternoon other times a bit of a stormy day. Admittedly I’m more inclined towards angst and heavy emotions myself so I like the latter a lot. The Tsumigram character profiles are a good blend of the two. Like an afternoon where a storm is on the horizon but not quite here yet.

I find Ego’s first voice line funny- She says sorry for referring to them as prisoners and states it’s the only way she can refer to them because she doesn’t know them yet but- Girl you could’ve used the term everyone, everybody, all. Literally anything other than prisoner would have done. Her way of speaking seems bubbly and jumpy. So I kind of doubt she realizes this. Like she just referred to them as prisoners because that’s what she was told they are. Yet, her way of speaking here really contradicts with how she spokes in the voice drama. In a bit of a jarring way when you read them so close together.

That more direct way of speaking comes back pretty much immediately in the lines that follow though. She’s polite but direct. Love how she highlights for some the wrongdoing could be as bad as murder. Meaning for all the wrongdoing has a chance of not being murder at all. The wording of wrongdoing is interesting too. Wrongdoing to who, why is it wrong, who decided it was, was it a wrongdoing to another or oneself. It’s really vague criteria. It gets across the point that something wrong has happened here though.

This is when we’re introduced to the three judgement system, of Victim, Savior, Perpetrator. Ego highlights that she doesn’t know why victims and saviors would be judged or how being judged as such will save the ones being judged either. This is purely my personal opinion but I think victim and savior are terrible options in that sort of situation I’d rather be the perpetrator. The other options seem hopeless and self-righteous. But that’s not a dig at the system itself more highlighting how I’d like to be judged if I was under this system really.

The other two options seem like far too much of a pain. Just find me responsible and get it over with would be my mindset. Oh, so it was a memory thing with Hotaru yeah that makes some sense. Still strange that Milgram couldn’t identify them through other means.

Hotaru says rather than a judgment of sins it’s more like an assignment of a role which plays in well to what I was saying. Perpetrators can do whatever they want victims and saviors can save others or get perpetrated against. They’d be really annoying roles to be placed in I think.

Woo Remi is a pisces- pisces rep also oh no…that’s not good. The only thing I can say about her is she’s really interesting. I don’t know enough based of her lines to commit to anything.

Oh an Aquarius Kouta’s birthday is a day before one of my sisters so that’s funny to me. They seem anxious but um I’m friends with a lot of people who have this sign and they tend to be pretty blunt, relaxed and forwarded thinking. Very realistic. Just very practical people which tracks with them not wanting to give their name while uncomfortable but recognizing Milgram probably has it already. Seems to be taking everything in stride for the most part though despite having a lot of complaints.

Kai I’m not that fond of her. Why ahn I don’t know yet I haven’t even read the lines I literally just don’t like her off sight. Seems to like consistency more than really being viewed favorably or not. Seems to be the hard to read type and a bit oblivious I suppose. Just has the vibe of someone I’d like to avoid can’t really explain it. Maybe she’ll grow on me though.

Ayame seems nice I’m bias because she dresses like a friend from high school. So, I’m not gonna question her much unless she does something super suspicious. Well, at least I’m honest about it.

Chise seems seems a bit like… hm well I would feel a bit rude saying it so I’ll leave it to Star.

I’ve spoken about bystander boy enough privately. It’s always bullying Toa hours- I mean what is he gonna do bystand us to death?

Miku, this guy is rude his shoes are nice though. Weirdly enough he shortens the verdict to victims and perpetrators removing the option of savior. Trying to keep it simple like Kazui or maybe he doesn’t like the savior option. Seems to view himself as below others all the time and projects that inferiority onto how he communicates with Ego assuming she just likes to pick on those below her. Really odd jump to commit to my guy.

Hiiro is rude too I wonder of she and Miku get along. They seem to have a lot of the same complaints so hopefully they are. They can’t keep talking back and forth about the same assumptions they seem so connected to and impassioned about.

S: Chise is a chuuni lmao but the characters are interesting. I look forward to getting to know them.

Voice Trailer Reaction

G: Ahn I don’t have a lot to say here. Probably because I haven’t eaten yet. Binge reading does that but at the same time… I’m just lacking context still and not really quick to jump on things. Meanwhile earlier I don’t like Kai, lol.

Undercover reaction

G: “I’ve lost the desire to try anymore during the last year of high school.” Well, that sucks Ego but it be like that sometimes also why are you here isn’t this about Hotaru???

S: Man I can’t believe the plot twist is gonna be that Hotaru is Ego but transed their gender

G: Got damn it. Given the snippet beneath I can’t believe Hotaru was an ice-sculptor before this. Then someone pushed them off of something from pretty high up to if they’re falling in air. However, it says the dream ends here and dreams are never completely accurate so who knows. Though in all seriousness maybe they killed someone and then got pushed over a ledge or something. Or attacked someone and thought they killed them then fell over something. Can’t say for sure.

S: Just one more thing to note- to me it feels like it’s being written from the victim’s perspective- or rather that Ego is experiencing the memory through a dream. It’s like an extension of Es taking the victim’s place in Undercover.

G: By that logic it be more like Hotaru was doing the pushing than getting pushed. Plus in the incarceration forms image there’s a building near water so that would explain feeling burning cold beneath one’s body but not the falling in air thing.

S: The sensation described makes me think of symptoms of hypothermia.

G: Ahn, a lot to think about... “Looking back at it I don’t think I’ve even been in love.” Okay Ego. Also what’s up with these prisoners and bodies of water? The picture in the incarceration forms looks like a body of water of some sort which seems correct given the excerpt provided mentions water covering the eyes. “It’s cold.” Ego why are you here?

S: Actually, I’m beginning to think Ego is taking place of the prisoner.

G: Yeah, that makes sense. So, could the Ego image be the state of the prisoner and the excerpts provided the perspective of the prisoner?

S: Yeah, that would make the most sense.

G: Oh, hey Kai is at a train station it seems… At least that’s what the image on her incarceration file looks like. “Nothing is never enough.” Sometimes it be like that Ego. “I’m glad it wasn’t me and those I love.” Are those really words of pity it’s more sounds like ha, ha glad I’m not you loser. Oh, hm Ayame looks tiny and scared. The image on her incarceration report looks a bit like a hospital room. “Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing to myself.” Not really sure about this but it seems to say that. Chise has hair down in the back I thought she just had pigtails.

S: “I don’t know these people.”

G: “If it’s not love then what even is.” I like the last Ego picture the most- Though I have no clue what it says. Other than all that I think we’ll read the through the trials and probably come back to this later. So far though reading it has been enjoyable especially since I’ve been reading it with Star. I also don't dislike Kai anymore. I at least don't distrust them to the point of going you scare me and I don't like being scared so I don't like you.

S: It’s a good set up so far- it has me intrigued about what’s going to happen and what sides of these characters we’re going to see. I think tsumigram has a very fun premise in terms of how the crimes seem to be shown through dream like scenarios.

[vivianbernadetteaurora]

Efffy stoneham.

Dark feminine

Cassie Ainsworth

Light feminine

So here we have the two girls from skins well two of the girls from skins Cassie and Effie who I think our central characters for each generation and the most popular girl you see online in the sense of skins characters, and why is this? well they just have a popular and relatable , ways to especially in English culture where Effie even though she has in the first six series selective mutism actually she’s mute I believe and just uses her facial expressions and gestures, many girls feel like her the shy girls feel like her the popular girls feel like her she is wanting to grow up fast she is out parting. She is out doing stuff. She has her brother cover for her. In fact Effie is the only character that Tony is completely selfless with everybody else he is selfish with.

I think what it is about Effie is her style. Her acting is incredible that you really feel it the British culture the millennial culture and also what makes it more believable than euphoria not believable because euphoria are amazing. It just seems a lot more comfortable and at home, it was a time capsule and I am a millennial. I am 34 and I actually didn’t watch skins when I was younger. I didn’t actually watch it till about 2021. I was 31 and a lot of people say that they saw it when they were too young and it affected them and I personally cannot comment on that but the amount of girls I’ve seen saying this is Lot LOL and that’s why I guess it was very controversial for me generation two is my favourite. I love it I love JJ and then we really get to see coming into her own and show her story a bit deeper and how Tony’s accident and their sibling relationship has affected them. You see the breakdown of her parents marriage, you see the relationship with panda and and the disloyalty between that I thought love triangles are really a rare thing and not many people did them. You got roasted and myself have been in a couple. I think this is why I relate to it so much and I hang onto my teenagers so much because, I felt a different way. I felt that the confident happy me and I think that’s why people felt the familiarity with Effie even all these years later and it will be one of those things that many generations will go to watch upcoming generations will go to watch it’s timeless, basically And she uses her dark feminine energy which is in her personality just the way she was on the bus with the homeless man burning things smoking a very young age going out at a young age being phased by people looking at her there’s a scene where in general to wear the first episode if you walk into the school and everyone is staring at her and her outfit!, because nine times out of 10 they’re jealous and then in the next scene Katie wants to come up and be her friend because she feels like the only other girl and her level is this what makes Effie more relatable than a character like Katie, she doesn’t need the validation

And the boy is going ooh la la Effie and Katie answers him instead and he’s like looking as if he’s just unfed and I think that’s why a lot of girls were like her she’s on faith but at the same time she has the depth to her in the series of generation two and the end of the series one of generation two like we do in all of the skins we see the development and the character development was very well done Connection with her the lack of connection almost with her parents at her mum

And how she wanted to get out and be with the boys and play games with Freddie and a lot of girls probably want to be her and that’s why they’re so much love for her confident the lack of accountability the clothes the farm the and the boys of course

 so as you can see I’ve put Effie and I’ve put Cassie in this because I feel like they’re too opposite end of the scale but Cassie starts off innocent suite and then goes into a darker soul. I’m vice versa with F both these guys are relatable but in different different ways I feel with Cassie it’s the side of ourselves that we’re not so keen on, the side of ourselves that is introspective afraid to speak up and allows ourselves to get used by people that we love which can feel awful. This is why when panda and Effie show up and she’s with the girl and then she’s with the boy she’s allowing herself to get used again, used to, she almost felt like she didn’t deserve any better than being treated that way disrespectful who was obsessed with Michelle who was never gonna have properly because she loves Tony and Tony his best friend Cassie too but it always annoyed me because I always felt Cassie was better than said and she was sweet and kind and always wanted a bit too much as a teenager can’t get diagnosed with personality disorders but but but but because in teenagers you exhibit personality disorder trait so that’s why a lot of people with personality disorders included get called childish or immature, but Cassie was definitely exhibiting to be and trace with almost avoidant dependent and quite borderline also exhibited that and she did go through the psychotic depression due to drugs and traumas could be histrionic and may be even,

I have shown both girls colour pallets at the top of this page and how Cassie is the light feminine and Effie is the dark feminine even in clothing that’s what I mean clothing sometimes but more grungy chat a lot of chains a lot of jewellery Cassie has a lot of bows frilly little dresses, Peter Pan collar.

You even see it with the hair colour the eye colours everything we had the dark colour is the grey or black the dark hair the dark make up Cassie has has the blonde hair but the brown eyes with the pink light pink white a lot of the time and shimmer sort of colours and when she’s with her parents she is often overlooked by their relationship. The little baby doesn’t even really get much care unless it’s with Cass to look at these characters and very similar and how girls have both types of personalities relate to these girls very well you don’t often hear people say about Michelle Emily Katie panda Naomi it is mainly Cassie and Effie and I feel it is because of these two concepts, the introvert and the extrovert and the almost as well thank you guys

[nikolathestranger]

There is something so deranged about seeing a former acquaintance of mine claim that I used to be enbyphobic, when I was maybe 14 at best and had no understanding of gender like I do now, there is in fact something so deeply fucked up about someone still talking about you, sharing your issues anonymously on the web, kind of like a "fuck you for being a bad friend when you were in an incredibly dark place, when you were 14, later 17" and now seeing that person in the same fandom you are in. I don't even know what to say. For a long time I was afraid to even go online, because I truly, honestly believed I was the devil for calling someone out IRL when they used to shit talk me, my work, my characters on their old Tumblr, gaining pity and sympathy from their friends.

Funnily enough, the only reason I contacted them was because I was worried, as they were vague posting about potentially hurting themselves, or at least feeling the urge to, so I approached them. They then, in turn, maybe to make themselves feel stronger, threatened that their friends would rip out my throat, maybe they would do it themselves. I don't even know what to say to this. They then abandoned their old account, claiming their safe space had been breached, and made a new one, it seems.

I found it now because I saw some of their TMA art, thought it looked familiar, and it turns out it is the same person. I don't even know what to think, I just have a headache.

To be clear: Between the ages of 14 to 18ish, I was not a good person, but I wasn't the devil either. I grew up in an abusive household, struggled with depression, eds and many undiagnosed issues. I did not take rejection well, I did not understand how to put out boundaries for myself in a proper manner and I did not understand how to handle mental episodes. I thought this person was my friend, they claimed to be, but when I read on their account how they thought I might be exaggerating my issues, how they only stayed with me because they felt pity and how they did not view me as a friend at all I was heartbroken, furious and just overall spiraled.

Furthermore, I became a very passive-aggressive person, and just overall drew away from them, hoping I could hurt them the same way I was hurt by their actions.

Since then, I have had episodes where my brain does this thing, being a chameleon and trying to copy people, sometimes I tried to copy them, in order to maybe become someone they would like again, before extensive therapy on my part.

Additionally, I now moved out of my parent's place and after a year of homelessness had the time I needed to heal, I can now confidently say I am not the person I used to be, I just wish they would accept that too, and stop calling me their abuser, or still spread weird things about me, it is so tiring. I know tagging them would not help, they would simply block me and feel confirmed in their emotions, this is just me, getting something off my chest, so I can breathe and live on.

[uten4]

The readings thing is like a basic principle of media analysis I should have internalized back in high school English class but I feel like it would do me good to look into it more now that it's fuzzier lol ^_^'

For starters, it certainly seems that not everyone agrees on the guidelines for how far you can read into a text. From "Introduction to Strategies for Conducting Literary Research":

Umberto Eco stated that literature allows for a range of interpretations but some are better than others. Their disagreements center on the freedom of the reader. Should the reader be able to make any meaning whatsoever from a text? Does the text resist interpretation and insist on being read on its own terms? What constrains the reader’s freedom to interpret? Do constraints arise from the author, from within the text itself, from within the reader, or from within the culture?

But still, the basic principle is still there, and it's good to think about. My main ways of approaching media analysis where I'm extracting implications are (1) trying to figure out what the author's intent was, and (2) trying to figure out what facts and implications exist in the text regardless of what the author may have intended.

I do genuinely find that super fun and rewarding. I love being an investigator or treasure hunter searching for the ""Truth,"" even if I can generally acknowledge that other people have other ways they'd prefer to see things.

But if I have an idea about a text which is not necessarily strongly or unambiguously supported by it, I usually say something like, "Well, I'm just going to believe that _." Now I see and have more clearly in the forefront of my mind that maybe I can say, "My reading of this is _" or "My interpretation of this line is _."

But I think my brain goes totally off the rails when the idea I have about the text which is not very very strongly supported by it is, "This character is gay." Especially male characters. There's a sense of embarrassment to me in making such claims unless I have proof from the text that it is the most sensible interpretation. And there's a sense of vindication in being able to say "This is what the author intended and here's why."

I guess I have this tendency because I've always seen soooo many examples online of people getting extremely angry or self-righteous in response to gay interpretations of characters... even when it's not even really an interpretation because it is extremely obvious. Plus I really don't want to be seen as the stereotype of a delusional queer or delusional fangirl. I want to have all of the most airtight evidence for it, especially for male characters (I think claiming a male character is gay would be more likely to incite doubt or scorn towards me specifically. Not that I don't hate the idea of being seen as a crazy and cringey sapphic too 😖).

So when things are ambiguous to me-- when it's neither exactly a simple headcanon nor a Fact that I feel confident I can Prove-- I go insane.

Even if it's a work like Tower of Go/d that I don't really like anymore and that I don't plan to engage with the fandom on! I go over the lines and panels in my head obsessively to see if I could be wrong or where I'm wrong, and I feel irritated that the awesome way that I think the story could be isn't the way everyone else is forced to see it. I have to be the weirdo. Though I know I have a LOT of company on reading Khu/n as gay, I still feel like the weirdo if I can't justify it beyond reasonable doubt, if I can't prove to myself that this is what the author wants to convey above everything.

But I don't have to feel like this. There is not a singular truth for everything, and readers are free to have their own perspectives on what the story is saying. And you know, I actually don't think SI/U is under any obligation to validate me on this. He has, accident or not, provided plenty of grounds for this interpretation, while still maintaining the possibility of the alternate interpretation that Khu/n is extremely obsessive and possessive in a platonic way. Imo, it is obvious from the story (at least up to where I've read) that SI/U does not hate the interpretation of Khu/n as gay. So it's not even like I'm doing something upsetting to the author or diametrically opposed to what he would want. I have to be brave and just interpret the text the way that I think would be awesome. I have to exist within the ambiguity. Cue the Dune monologue. No one has to agree with me, and I'm not saying it's objective facts, but I read Khu/n as gay because I think it would make sense and would be very sweet and awesome. And now maybe I can rest.

[anti-dazai-blog]

how do you deal with hate? like from what I understand, you posted your first "controversial" post knowing that people might hate you for it, and you did so anyways. even tho it might have felt like you were the only one who believed those things at the time. where do you get the confidence? cause honestly that was such a slay.

Like, obvi we all have our own opinions and I don't agree with everything you said but the confidence you had.. grrrr i like it so much 💗💗 i love it when people are real with their opinions.

okay ty, im sorry for rambling, gonna stop here now 😭😭

I really want to play it cool and say something like “I just don’t care what people think of me,” but honestly? Yeah I was terrified of posting my first BSD-related post.

I had been enjoying the BSD fandom from afar for about a year before posting anything about it. I’ve always had this personal pet peeve when (fictional or real) bullies get a free pass to be assholes when they’re conventionally attractive, but that applies to all fandoms, not just BSD and not just Dazai. 

(Note that that’s not a moral stance, there’s nothing wrong with liking a morally grey character, and there’s nothing wrong with finding a bad (fictional or real) person to be physically attractive. This pet peeve of mine stems more from how (fictional) bullies who aren’t attractive are seen as the biggest evil unleashed upon the world, while fictional bullies who are attractive are seen as The Ideal Boyfriend)

One day I saw a post pointing out one of the things Dazai did that bothered me, and I really wanted to add to it via reblog, but I was concerned I’d derail the original post, so I screenshot it and wrote a whole follow-up rant. 

Then I saved that post in my drafts for three days.

I posted something vague like “I really want to talk about this one character from this one fandom, but the fandom is very aggressive and they’d burn me at the stake if I said anything too controversial”

I don’t think I intended to explicitly tag it with anything searchable, but I must have said something like “#yeah this is about bsd those guys are scary”— apparently that counts as tagging it #bsd by tumblr’s standards, and someone from the bsd fandom (who I’m now mutuals with) responded with something like “most of us are nice! We wanna hear what you have to say!!” 

That was enough motivation for me to get that post out of drafts, and even then I didn’t post it immediately. I scheduled it to post for a time when I wasn’t home, so that if there’d be backlash I wouldn’t have to witness it live and I could just delete the post later.

Not only was there no backlash, but hardly anyone saw the post. Iirc it got between 3-5 notes. That was what gave me the confidence to continue talking about my (admittedly controversial) fandom opinions. 

My main blog is primarily a Shakespeare/Classic Lit blog, and the online fandom for those things encourages controversial opinions (as opposed to the standard anime blog, where it seems like posting controversy is a taboo). So once I had the confidence to interact with an anime fandom in the first place, it wasn’t too hard to post my controversial opinions, because that’s the internet culture I’m more used to.

As for how I deal with the hate, you’ll be glad to know there’s only one person on this entire site who sends (bsd-related) hate. If you’ve received any hate, it’s from her. So while I have received hate messages (everything ranging from “your blog sucks” to graphic suicide bate and murder threats), knowing it’s all from the same person makes it all pretty meaningless. Everyone else on tumblr just blocks what they don’t want to see, either by blocking blogs they’d like to avoid or by blocking tags for subjects that annoy them. 

Since I tag anything that speaks of Dazai in a negative way as “#anti Dazai,” I don’t often run into people who don’t want to see negative character analysis who’ve discovered my posts accidentally.

If you want to post about something, go right ahead! The people who enjoy the content you make will follow you, and the people who don’t will block you, and everyone will curate their own tumblr experience to make this site something we can all enjoy. Admittedly if the fandom you’d like to post to is bsd, you WILL get harassed by that one person, but everyone else in this fandom has gotten harassed by her too. We mostly just ignore her at this point. 

Posting controversial opinions to fandom spaces can be scary, but if you have something you’d like to post, go for it! I personally would recommend starting a side blog for it, that way if things really do get out of hand you could delete it easily without losing your tumblr account. But the most likely outcome is that it wouldn’t gain enough traction for anyone to be overly bothered by it. Controversial things are more often ignored than hated on.

(For context, I’m referring to this blog too! I’m a tiny little blog. So please don’t interpret that as some veiled insult, I’m in this group of “tiny controversial fandom blog” too)

Anyway. Best of luck to you!! And remember, the point of posting things is to have fun! If it’s causing more stress than enjoyment, there’s no shame in taking a break or logging off for a bit. I’ve taken multiple breaks, and I only post to the Anti-Dazai Series when I enjoy what I’m posting. 

[Also. I absolutely love controversial fandom opinions, especially if they’re well written. It doesn’t matter to me whether or not I agree, so long as it’s a cool or original take on the source material. So if you wanna dm me, I’ll definitely follow you and your blog full of all your hottest takes]

[angelosearch]

After I graduated from college I sucked at file management and lost a lot of what I wrote in those years. I do have some stuff printed, though. I'm starting to transcribe some of my poems/essays/etc. for safekeeping.

I'm going to share this poem here because it's about writing but I want ya'lls opinion too (poem and poll under the cut).

Writer's Anxiety

Hi, I'm [angelosearch]. I'm a writing major. I'm a student of writing. I write. I write a lot. But I'm not a writer nor poet nor essayist nor author nor artist. Just a writing major. All my writer friends have a "writer's ego," but what if the ego is a no-go more concerned with grade pointed resume sectional blog posts than being pretty or clever with words? Scratch that, I am concerned. So concerned that I shrink at the sound of their sentences dancing above me, floating over my work even with each page I read, word I write, no matter how many cups of coffee or sleepless nights, my words come out sloppy. I watch them wear their writing effortlessly like those who only wear clothes that fit them, but my family never had the money to replace the things I outgrew, so maybe my poetry spills out my bra a bit while your sleek fiction fits your tongue like a glove. I can cover it up with scarves, an outerwear of excuses knitted with "I did this at the last minute"s and "I got writer's block on this one"s.

Everyone talks about writer's block, but what about writer's anxiety? That feeling you get when you realize everyone in the room knows what they're doing but you--or at least that's how they seem. How can they stay so cool as an epiphany slips out their lips? They just put rhythm to the meaning of life and said "Thank you." They fill out their toques and denim jackets, readers grown into writers clad in unbuttoned unbridled confidence... I want to feel that way. I want to write that way. BUT every poem feels like a car swerving into unmanageable metaphors or else a train traveling one way on a single track with no transfers to blandly named towns called Springfield or Coddington. BUT every fiction has a world like a piece of paper sparsely decorated with cardboard characters wearing cheap, floral-print adjectives, endings arriving contrived or premature. BUT every essay is stuck in one form, a record clichely repeating the same facts about your life: "my parents are emotionally divorced" "neither of them went to college" "I feel like I don't belong" "I don't belong-don't belong-DON'T BELONG."

My friends tell me that I am wrong but it sounds like that knee-jerk compliment you get get right after you say "I'm ugly."

Why does nothing I write sound right? I want to know where new style begins and no style ends. I want to think the world just isn't ready, but I'm not that conceded. I can't believe it. I can't assume I'm a writer because I write--most can form words on paper, but not everyone can turn a confession into an expression called art.

End poem!! I think I wrote that in 2013 (The spring of my junior year).