#change [so im not stressed TOO much]
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the day has finally come……. i am officially divorcing them from portal and making them ocs…. its gonna be Rick and Wes now!!! Rick’s name not changing sorry, they can pry Richard North from my cold dead hands
#wes full name is Wesley which ik is really similar but i already hate having to change his name#so it’ll have to do#also this way their ship name can still be Rickley HAHA so i don’t have to change any tags#win win win for ME !!!!!#im super excited#i think it’ll be good for me to actually work on building up my own universe around them#also sorry but i do just have a lot of personal baggage with portal#obv still one of my fav games but#i think working around the actual game so much is stressing me out too much#it might be good for me to not think about portal specifically for a while#just gonna focus on these two goobers#and shaping them into their own people so they aren’t so similar to the actual characters#yippee!!!#rickley#oc#original characters#character art#character design#character sheet#my art#rickrackpaddywack
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come back to haunt me.
#lowkey reminds me of a movie poster ngl#also GRAHHH i didnt want to hide the beautiful highlights in johnnys hair#also i may or may not have traced a screenshot of him bc the original sketch was so fucking rough and awful#IDCCC YOU CAN CATCH ME TRACING SCREENSHOTS OF HIM UNTIL I CAN DRAW HIM CONSiSTENTLY#also i havent rendered in a hot minute so im surprised its not completely awful#v's hair is more poorly rendered bc of the blue and red highlights AUGHHHH#i didnt want to draw them all over again ngl#so its a bit lazy and half assed#anyways i have a whole playlist for them <333#its so depressing tho <///3#just so much angst and grief ideas with keeping your body and giving it back endings#as i was drawing this i couldnt help but think that johnny would want to change his face so he wouldnt have to look at v#but i feel like he also wouldnt be able to bring himself to do it ngl :(((#i feel like he'd feel too guilty to touch v's face and change it#lowkey just want to constantly doodle both of them lying down curled up with grief over losing the other#was listening to stress relief by late night drive home while drawing trhis#it keeps giving me so many different ideas for anamatics inside my head lmao#anyways#my artt yippeee#i feel like i havent sat down and drawn properly in a minute#this was fun#also my unrendered version of v's face made him look malnourished#it was a jumpscare seeing it after rendering him LMFAO#his eye and nose feel too far apart but i was afraid to fix it so if it looks weird then ermmm#idk#cope ig#v and johnny#johnny silverhand#cyberpunk 2077#cyberpunk
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ngl man dragons rising kinda stresses me out a bit
#im just. not feeling as hyped for it was i was for the series' before#so so so so so much has changed and#idk#i dont. like when things change too much#especially not things i love#i dont dislike dr#just to be clear#its just hard to care about something as much wjen your favourite characters arent in it or are barely there and then#theres worrying arcs for the new characters you DO like#and all the talk of jay or arin being evil stresses me out too. Dont Like That.#arin was a little ray of sunshine :( he made the show more enjoyable for me. i was so scared about the next gen thing#and now.#and jay....
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having tashiro gender thoughts. the way he doesnt crossdress in that first year is because hes got crazy leg hair. not like No im a boy. or I dont want to. he's candidate at all in the first place after miyano because they're both "tiny" and would look the best (also opinion of shirahama. won't get into that. hey shirahama you think miyano and tashiro would be cute if they were girls...? sorry) Miyano, firm in his masculinity, is angry for the both of them. yeah hes got a complex about it but you'd think tashiro could resist a little more. he doesnt think hed make a good girl because of the leg hair. this flimsy barrier of "masculinity" hey tashiro what would you think if you shaved it. would you make a good girl then? would that remove your inhibitions? or would you find something else. are you scared of what you could discover if transformed into a girl? sit in the chair why dont you. flimsy barrier, a hairs width thick, between you and girlhood, supposedly. Gon-chan, a girl name accepted so easily, so comfortably. resist a little more! youve said before Miyano may be cute, but hes definitely a boy. are you definitely a boy? do you even care at all. nah, i cant make a good girl. ive got craaazzyyy leg hair. Shave it! Hell no! switch the flip.
#i am also normal about tashiro being “tiny” his first year#and then growing to be like pretty damn tall. really normal#slightly referencing an article about a trans girl. called something like. im trans and ill never come out of the closet. or something#has a bit about if there were a chair you could sit in a flip a switch and you'd change genders. she'd take it#but the reality of having to come out and like physically and socially transition after living as a boy for so long.#too much work too much stress. not as easy as sitting in that chair and flipping that switch#anywayyysss#sunnfish.hzsr#hanzawa to tashiro#tashiro gonzaburou#sasaki to miyano
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the woes are upon me and i know there are bigger priorities in the world atm but if anybody wants to just toss a coin to their little loser and add a character name with it i'll make you some of my geometric ms paint art like this 👍 no pressure
#commissions#i just dont have a car for the trip i am supposed to make to see my fiancee#because kia completely and utterly fucked me over#some of my meds are in that car too which i will probably be able to get but i am having OTHER stress induced medical problems as a result#i cannot reschedule the trip#so im possibly going to have to spend 6x as much money for flights that take literally the same amount of time#and i literally dont know how much money is currently in my bank account because since my mom died my bank kinda fucked me over too#i also have to worry about getting new glasses because mine are so outdated i really cannot see for shit#im scheduling this instead of posting it because my circumstances might change between now and later tomorrow#but plane tickets are getting pricier by the day so i cant wait forever
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ☆.𖥔 ݁ ˖
#so anxious all the time. there s just too much going on rn and everything is changing and i dont like any of it.#i've had the exact same life for years and years and years and i dont like change.. even if itmight be needed i dont like it#my sister moved and as my mom is there with out dog all the time.. i realized how hard it is to be so far away#and i'm mostly in waiting lists for student housing in cities further away. but thats bc it's so hard to get appartments in cities close by#so now im realizing how hard it's gonna be to be so far away from my dog :c and he is 9 & this breed's estimated lifespan is 13yrs.... :(((#plus being far away from the only support system i have. even if we are dysfunctional it's like#if smth happens to my cat then my family could help me but if im several hours away im on my own :/#and not only that. i have to first get accepted to a program. then find an appartment...#but before that i need to pass my two classes.... and then do a test for a third class and somehow pass that#just to get grades in all courses i need to be able to get my highschool diploma#buuuuut also. i need to apply for university in march. and i wont get my grades until may. so.. i need to get documents showing#im taking the classes needed that will make me be eligible for the program when it starts#i get overwhelmed by just running several errands in one day my brain is shutting downnnn#i dont wanna be an adult and independent. i dont want to.#ppl can talk all they want abt how you're 'supposed' to live. but i just dont agree. i dont think everyone are buikt to live the same way#i dont want to be in charge or have responsibilities. i could have a job yes but i dont wanna live alone or whatever whatever id#im just so anxious and stressed qnd i cant relax at all. i dont like being alone and have to figure out all of these things alone#it's so stressful and too much for me to handle and think abt and i just wish#.. im so envious of other ppl lol#like all my old friends are in relationships.... they dont have to be stressed abt where to move and what to do on their own#idk. i just dont know!!!!!!!!! i want to love w my family forever bc like in the future we could afford a house together.#but they dont wanna do that 😭😭😭😭😭 i get it but im just stressed#hmm.. i dont know. im not good under time pressure either.. like.. there is such a short span of time now where everything will change#i dont like it :///////
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i fear the 'surely someone's gonna save me' in sunshine baby has an incredible chokehold on me
#this Can't be the energy going into 2025 sighs#sabs speaks#lowkey had like four different meltdowns today over plans being changed and its like. can we be normal#and then my brain had the audacity to be like ur lying.#like girl what the fuck?? in what world are we doing this for fun#and then do u guys know the horror story of like vampire slumbering just have my headphones on genuinely vampire like and out of NOWHERE my#sister is just above me like Hi.#can u fix this dress for me#like in what world do u wake me up like that girl#i fixed the dress but still like. let me live#times like these im considering dropping out truly having that moment over u need to chill out before the stress kills you before the thing#that's supposed to has a chance#if this all seems disconjointed its because it is and is not hope this helps <3#i also want nothing more than to write about my blorbos but i saw people being wrong about them and now im like shit. maybe im wrong about#them#so i cant do it without feeling insane for that reason and for the second reason that i have other obligations#i think it should be illegal for education to give u things to do over the holidays they dont understand how much guilt i will feel not#getting things done and instead feeling horrific and not resting#i also think learning too much about my health has caused me to spiral a lot like the dr's being so chill about it whilst im in debilitatin#pain is not good for me actually. and has triggered the disability grief all over again#having my pmdd and my menstruation at the same time genuinely i felt like female hysteria and im scared for the next one#its a wonder i did Not do It#a little morbid i guess but i have Morbid hormone disorder shrugs#anyways. 2025 be better i hope#so scared to pull my cards for the year#less actually scared and more like. i dont knowww how much i have it in me to be brave anymore#congrats if u made it this far but mostly sorry to my scorpio rising
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.
#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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Ohh im obssesed
#uprooted#uprooted naomi novik#solya#marek#my main playlists dedicated to them :]#idk why they cought my attention in 2018 and since that year they have had a special place in my heart. sometimes throughout my day-#i realise im obssesed with them and they're not just some random characters i like. ive dedicated a lot of time on them#i wonder how my interest in them will be when i get older. i certainly know that i will miss them if i stop thinking about them#you could say they have seen me grow. i knew them BEFORE quarantine. they were with me DURING. and AFTER#they have been through so many phases of my life. its so strange.#they changed so much too...except Marek. he still looks the same I imagined him in 2018. solya is definitely different tho#but i do think i have a different more in depth understanding of both characters#even if the words i read in 2018 are still the same now that i look back at the book. they were so many things unsaid but if u looked-#closely you could understand them. solya and marek as individual characters have so much depth...even if its not explicitly said#or maybe its just me reading between the lines too much. i wish i just knew more about them. this is getting so long-#but I got a bit nostalgic. is crazy how i was just a child and somehow even tho solya was just the total opposite of the type of characters-#i like there was something in him. something that made me look at him. and i think thats actually so in character of him#i think that in the book even if someone didnt like him. it was still hard to look away because he stood out from the rest.#there was definitely something about him that attracted people. or else how would have he gotten so far in his schemes?#I may be overanalyzing it. but i love the Falcon so much. and i do like marek a lot as a character. i find him very interesting. i know he-#did bad. terrible. things i like him as a character. not as a person.#i wish i could have seen what was going on in that damaged mind of his...#analyzing his behavior its so entertaining to me. i love making up scenarios where he is at his worst. im not gonna lie#marek suffering and then finding comfort in not comforting things is one of my favorite headcanons.#his obssesion with his mother is also a very important part of his character (ofc) and i love imagine him doing things related to that#thinking about the ways their personalities connect and make them have a very toxic bond keeps me up at night..they made each other worst#and we actually never see that in depth in the book. everything is so subtle but my crazy brain can find the signs in any part#i will stop this rant here. i feel its so long and if i made any spelling mistake i apologise to my future self (probably my self from-#tomorrow) because i know i won't be able to fix the misspelling and that will stress me SO MUCH.#future self please dont stress about it. just be happy. and enjoy thinking about these insane characters
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new icon time bc the moment we hit double digits on the halloween countdown my brain genuinely straight up forgot it was still summer
#*changes my icon and immediately forgets so I get jumpscared every time I use hold to rb on mobile*#oh yeah and here’s this funky guy. haven’t posted him before#he exists bc my hand shook in the wrong direction when messing around with a completely different Weird Cat concept and I went o shit that’s#better actually#my art?#my oc art#character art#original character#oc art#furry#character design#ignore that this draft is almost three weeks old just don’t even worry abt it#life is. hahahaahaha. so much rn my summer has been Dog and Constant Stress and art is just. not able to be a priority rn#so ofc I have many ideas :’) someday im gonna be able to do things just bc i feel like it for more than five minutes again. someday#i do have like 4? i think? finished pcs of Bear Art from the past few months that i might post for fbw let me know if you want that perhaps#but that’s not for another month or two I think? i should know that im sorry brooks falls bearcam i have failed :(#there’s some stuff in the drafts i forgot I didn’t post too actually#maybe I’ll get around to that with my. very minimal free time the next couple of days (<- probably won’t)#on that note#if you commissioned something from me and I haven’t posted it pls don’t be sad i am simply attempting to survive the summer#my brain is not good in hot weather under the best of circumstances and this has not been those#I Do plan to post them they just take more brain than like. this quick silly doodle for myself to draft out#i know ppl probably are not worried i am simply. afraid.#anyways. look a creature
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things im still not over (as someone who was mostly inactive since mid 2021):
mask and change my clothes!! i dont think i was active on tumblr when change my clothes was released, but the way i ascended when i heard his soft sweet singing voice <33 mask is my favorite song of his and it still makes me emotional to think about what the song meant to him. his creativity is one of his greatest strengths and i am endlessly happy that he found a way to share more of himself in a way that he really enjoys
DREAM TEAM MEETUP tbh i really did not know if these days would ever come. its so so so crazy to think that florida man dream texas cowboy sapnap and british george are really all living together and existing in the same space. seeing them be THEM irl is still very surreal and makes me pause for a second without fail. so so much of the community centered around them not having met each other irl
DREAM FACE REVEAL!!!! this one i REALLY HONESTLY didnt know if it would ever come, just because the courage it takes to face reveal after building one of the largest audiences is fucking crazy. i thought that even if they did end up living together, dream might’ve found that he is happy to just be with them and not want to face reveal anymore. ig never doubt dream- he’s such a “go big or go home” type of person. i love him regardless but now he is also a big bear who wears cat beanies and has the prettiest eyes and im emotionally attached
dream pics before his face reveal with a big emphasis on suit pics, swt halloween, and strawberry dream. his white hoodie posey pose and the ones with the blanket and patches have a permanent home in my heart but these had me convulsing and i didnt get to gush about them here </3
#long tagsss#why does it feel like no time has passed yet SO MUCH has changed#i feel very very late to everything i think in some ways i am still kinda stuck in the past#it was just today where i officially really matched dream to his voice and that was rlly cool#he has always been very cute and dorky kind generous and open hearted#and you can see that when he interacts with people in irl streams too#ik i kinda left wo saying anything and sometimes i wish i had still been active to freak out abt everything w everyone#but basically it just got more stressful than fun bc my hpfx became unhealthy and i had to move for college and learn to be on my own#im back home now after transferring and my mental health is a lot better#sm has changed in my life too!!#being active here still makes me feel nostalgic abt all the old times though#however it really is just the beginning and i keep thinking abt how dream spoke abt things speeding up and im v v happy that i get to tunein#dreamblr
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I swear BOTH TIMES a new tadc episode has released leading up to it ive had the most stressful few hours and have been told something thats brought me immense distress by my friend and had to lock myself in the bathroom for ~30 mins so i didnt die. is this becoming a pattern. should i prepare myself next time
#the first time round when ep 2 released he came out as trans#which isnt a bad thing but also Change Is Scary and it came as a massive shock and i was already dealing with a lot of stress#it just kinda tipped me over the edge#then i dont think i can disclose the reason for the second time but it was certainly something that brought me a lot of distress#enough that i feel a bit of a wedge between us because im too scared of it being brought up to talk to him#because i dont know how to deal with it#tho i think im the only person who feels that i dont think he cares#im glad that he told me over text its much harder to pretend to not be having a crisis in real life#more importantly than that my sister had the most massive friendship drama ever#tho on the bright side i got to cuss out one of her ex friends who i didnt like so whos the real winner
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ghgrggrgrhggrh im gonna freakin explode!!
#incoherent turtle noises#im sorry to the old lesbian couple your car is too big to fit in our garage and it pissed you off enough to wanna change hotels… i sorry….#however u are stressing me out so much mamma mia i was already keyed up frm rushing sm tonight…..#aughhh i cant even eat my cold ass dinner in peace…#nyeeeeeehhh i want my drrriiiinkiieessss……
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question
when romancing isabela, post the sex. are you supposed to question her about her stance on love? bc in my maior pt, i didnt - bc it felt liek a sure way to get her running [and it wouldnt be ic for my pc anyway] - and i got the outfit change, her visit in all that remains, her return, and varric mentioning her as a romance.
but all the forums are saying you SHOULD or else the romace doesnt trigger?
so im ... confused.
#grapecase plays da2#isabela#hawkebela#da2 isabela#isabela da2#isabela dragon age#like im getting the beats so clearly maior is in the in? but wouldnt it be funny if the game was like nope lmao#wanna know now before i have to replay act two ... again#im already stressing over fenris not showing up in all that remains - despite the mod saying he should - but he does have the right outfit#change [so im not stressed TOO much]#as much as i do love how mroe roudned these characters feel but dao wasnt this complicated lmao
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