#chanbig fanfiction

[ae-azile]

I have another ChanBig plot for a fic in my head, one that would be dark, explicit, and somewhat traumatizing. 😬 It was likely loosely inspired by the information Chan provided in Gossip After Death, where Korn was considering throwing Big into a business deal with people who wanted to "alter" his duties. I feel like I am literally incapable of writing a one-shot in this fandom, so idk if I will attempt it or not, but here is the general outline:

Despite not taking any time off for an extremely long time, Chan takes extended leave to care for his dying father. The family is supportive and tells him not to worry about anything while he is gone. They encourage him to take whatever time he needs. While most of the guards tend to be intimidated by him, they offer their well-wishes and condolences when they cross paths with him prior to his departure. The only guard who goes out of his way to see Chan is Big, who brings him food and offers to help him pack. He offers to sit with Chan the night before to watch a movie. Chan surprises himself by saying yes. He didn't realize how much anxiety he had over everything until he was presented with the option of Big leaving or staying for a while.

Big drives him to the airport the next morning. Chan's father lives in London, and it will be a long flight. Big surprises him with some books and downloaded movies and shows on a tablet to help make the flight go faster and for him to take his mind off of things. It's something Chan needs. He doesn't particularly like his father. For the longest time, he hated him. He is starting to question why he agreed to do this. When he sees his father - sick, dying, and still as nasty as ever - Chan wonders if he might kill the man before the cancer finishes the job.

But there are some good things about going back to London. He sees his grandmother, who is somehow in much better shape than his father despite her age - and much nicer. Chan doesn't see how the two are related. He also catches up with a few cousins on his father's side, as well as their children. However, the best thing about being back in London is surprisingly the people who reach out from Bangkok.

Mainly one.

At first, Chan is curious, slightly critical, and surprised that Big has his personal phone. It's normally against the rules outside of certain circumstances. But then Big says that Chan isn't on duty to enforce the rule and that Porsche is surprisingly soft and empathetic when it comes to the technology rule. Chan having to leave to tend to his estranged, dying father made Porsche even softer and he convinced Kinn to do a trial run of letting the guards with seniority keep their phones so they aren't isolated from their friends and families.

While Chan has some concerns about the change, he doesn't make calls to express his criticisms. If that is mainly because he looks forward to Big's texts and calls everyday, then that's his business. He tries to stay professional and treat it as an employee checking in, but Chan finds himself talking to Big about things he hasn't spoken to anyone about. Chan even finds himself not caring about what time they talk, despite the six hour time difference. Big has a business dinner he needs to detail security for? Chan doesn't mind setting his alarm for 3 am so Big can call him and let him know everything went okay. Big can't sleep? Chan doesn't mind texting him while he feeds his father breakfast.

He prefers it.

When his father goes downhill quickly, has mere days left, and Chan is experiencing complicated feelings over the matter, only Big can ground him and make him feel calmer.

"He's going to die soon. I want him dead, but I also don't."

"I know."

"I already started arranging the funeral."

"Kinn mentioned he is on standby to get plane tickets in order to fly out. He and Porsche want to support you. Korn too, I think."

And since Chan isn't conducting matters at the moment, he can't just schedule Big to accompany them. All he finds himself doing is vulnerably asking if Big could make sure he is on their security team for the trip.

"You are one of our most trustworthy guards," Chan gives as an excuse, "I trust you to make sure they are safe."

"Is that the only reason, sir?"

Chan doesn't give Big an answer either way.

But when the funeral happens, only Korn and Pol fly out. Chan is confused for multiple reasons, and he can see that Pol does not want to be there. When Chan texts Big to see what is going on, he doesn't get a response. When he asks Korn what is going on, Korn just dismisses the concerns and says there were some minor mishaps but to focus on his family.

He ends up cornering Pol later that night.

"Khun Korn sent a few men to a get-together in order to spy on the Bianchi family. They didn't come back. Kinn and Porsche are trying to track them down and don't want to worry you when you are dealing with all of this-"

"Who? Which guards?"

"...Gear, Third, and Big."

The news makes him feel sick. He calls Kinn and Porsche incessantly until they finally give in and respond. He knows he comes off as more demanding and panicked than he ever has before, but he can't take the time to calm down. He doesn't even want to stay for the funeral. He wants to take the first flight back despite Kinn's promises to track them down and get them home safe.

And he certainly doesn't want to stay and accompany Korn back as his fucking guard, not when he is the one who sent Big.

And so he doesn't. He visits his grandmother late that night, tells her something happened and that he's leaving, and that he's sorry. His grandmother asks if it has to do with the guy he has been talking to, and he admits that it does. She surprisingly gives her blessing and he takes an early morning flight without saying a word to Korn.

When he arrives and turns his phone back on, he sees that he has several missed calls from his boss but he can't find it within himself to return them. He goes straight back to the compound and sees that Kinn and Porsche have both been made aware that he was likely coming back without notice. Porsche tries his best to give reassurances while Kinn promises to calm Korn down.

Chan frankly doesn't care. All he wants to do is get to work and track down Big.

Chan doesn't expect it to take months, nor does he expect Korn to tell him to let the matter go, that the guards can be replaced.

He also doesn't expect to quit on the spot. But since the guards can be easily replaced, Korn should have no issue finding a replacement for him. It's the first time in a while he has seen Korn look surprised - maybe even regretful - and it is probably the first time Korn has seen him this angry. While Kinn and Porsche promise to keep looking and ask him to please reconsider, Chan tells him he won't be back until Big is safe.

He only remembers to add Gear and Third as an afterthought. But by that point, Porsche's gaze becomes more knowing, and so does Kinn's.

Chan goes solo after that. He has more than enough money to live comfortably, and he doesn't need much to feel comfortable. Kinn and Porsche call to check in and to give updates on their search. Arm does too, and so does Tankhun, who tends to praise him for standing up to Korn.

Korn doesn't call once, although Chan doesn't expect him to, nor does he particularly care. All he can care about is finding Big, and it's feeling hopeless. Even when he flies to Italy to meet with a member of the family, they act like they have no idea what he is talking about. It's a wreckless meeting that leaves two people dead, and he gets no answers out of it.

He only gets answers when Arm reaches out to tell him he has discovered a large transaction between the Bianchis and the Kalashovs. Not long after, the Kalashovs rented a private plane and had an even larger transaction with the Hanchars, a prominent family in Belarus known for sex trafficking. Arm notes that the relationship between the two latter families seems new. Despite feeling sick to his stomach, Chan researches them and finds his way to weasel into their inner circle. He has skills to offer, and he is currently unemployed. When he is able to successfully send word that the top security expert for Thailand's most powerful family is looking to relocate and practice his skills elsewhere, it doesn't take long for someone to track him down.

He plays hard to get and unyielding at first. Being uninterested in what would be considered incredible offers makes criminals intrigued, and making it clear he wants to be regarded differently than he was at his last place of employment gets them to invite him to an exclusive event, an event where he can "enjoy" the best of their business practices. They will even let him bid on something that catches his eye.

While he had hoped saying yes to that would lead him to Big, he didn't expect to have to bid on him once he is put on display - naked, blindfolded, and clearly drugged. It takes everything within Chan to keep his composure as he puts in bid after bid, going high enough to make the men who think they are his prospective employers raise eyebrows. But what matters is that he's the highest bidder.

When Big is thrown at him and Chan catches him, Big immediately goes for Chan's clothes. Chan holds Big's hands in place and requests a private room. While the men in the room try to say he should let them watch - that it's more fun for everyone when there is an audience to watch the winner play with his toy - Chan says that he wants his toy to be able to see him, that he doesn't like the blindfold, and he is willing to pay extra to have a night with him alone.

They allow it, and Chan and Big are escorted to a room in the mansion. Once the door is shut, Chan rips off Big's blindfold and finds his composure crumbling.

"It's me," he says, cupping Big's face, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry it took me so long-"

"Would you like me on the bed or on my knees, sir?"

Chan pauses and takes the sight of Big in. He won't meet his eyes, he looks broken, and Chan is ready to go back out and kill every single man in the auction room.

"Neither," Chan says, "Look at me. I'm getting you out. You're going to be safe-"

"Would you prefer the wall? Or maybe the shower?" Big continues.

"Big, it's me," Chan says, shaking him slightly, "I'm here to HELP you, to get you out-"

"They're watching."

Chan pauses and glances around.

"There are cameras in every room," Big says, kissing Chan's face as he runs his fingers through his hair, "And they will keep watching until they are satisfied, especially for first time bidders. So tell me what you want and how you want to do it."

"I don't-"

"If you came here to save me, then you can't give them reason to think you might betray them," Big whispers into his ear, "They'll kill you. So I need to satisfy them by satisfying you. We'll go to sleep after and escape together in the morning. Do you understand?"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Notes for the plot after the rescue:

- Chan tries to make their first time as gentle and loving as possible. It's something Big is clearly not used to and is almost uncomfortable with. Chan isn't comfortable either. He hates that they are in a situation where they are both forced to do this. Chan thinks it is possible that Big is just paranoid by how much these people watch and give a shit about what they are doing. But then they get checked on by a high ranking staff and an offer for a partial refund is made if "the toy" isn't continuing to please Chan. Chan tells the staff to leave and they sleep together again. Round three happens on its own just before dawn. They haven't been bothered for hours and Big initiates, but it is all-consuming and desperate on both their ends because they both know they have the odds stacked against them as soon as they leave the room.

- The escape is brutal. While Chan is set on killing every person who put Big in this situation, Big is on a warpath and clearly holding onto a LOT of pain and resentment.

- They go on the run after they leave and somehow make it across the border. They don't stop driving until they hit Berlin and take a little time to rest.

- While Chan is relieved that Big isn't completely brainwashed like he initially believed, it's clear that he is traumatized. He routinely gets into a headspace where he assumes Chan wants sex. Or he gets paranoid that he will be dragged back to Minsk because Chan kept him for too long. He snaps out of these short episodes, but it's heartbreaking for Chan to witness at all.

- They share a bed, which comforts both of them. At first, Chan worries it may re-traumatize Big, but Big has nightmares that seem to not be as intense when they sleep together.

- Chan informs Kinn and Porsche of what happened. He doesn't get into the details, but he tells them that he and Big will not be coming back anytime soon, that Big can't handle a long flight right now. When Kinn asks about Third and Gear, the only information that Big has given is that they were too old so they were killed. Later, Chan learns they were tortured until Big cooperated with his new "job" and they were killed right after.

- When Chan thinks Big can handle a short flight, he gets him to London, where they stay with Chan's grandmother. She is very sweet to Big and makes sure he is comfortable. She recognizes he has been abused since she dealt with an extremely abusive and controlling husband.

- Kinn, Porsche, Tankhun, Arm, and Pol fly out after. Tankhun is surprisingly sweet to Big and eventually confides that he sort of understands what he went through, since he was hurt similarly when he was kidnapped. While Chan was aware of this, he is surprised Tankhun is taking the initiative to talk about it with Big.

- They take several days to go sightseeing. Chan spent his childhood and teenage years split between Bangkok and London. While he ultimately moved to Bangkok and stayed there since it let him feel close to his mother, he still has good memories of London, despite his strained relationship with his father. So Chan shows them around and the group feels like it is on even footing despite the strange dynamics.

- Korn isn't thrilled about two of his sons taking off for some extended trip to the UK. At all. It's only at this point that he starts calling Chan again. But Chan is still not returning his calls, which Korn isn't happy about either.

- The group catches onto something developing between Chan and Big. When Tankhun approaches him about the fact they cuddle together and share a bed, Chan is reluctant to talk about it but says he isn't going to push Big into anything.

- When they do end up slowly progressing in their intimacy, Chan is hyper aware of what Big needs from him and is very set on making sure they communicate with each other.

- Whether they go back to Bangkok or not is still up in the air. The same goes for their employment. Part of me thinks they might try lower risk jobs after they take the time they desperately need to relax and heal.

Anyway, that's all I have on the idea so far and it is still way more than I can do in a one-shot 😂 @chanbig @randomia-in-wonderland @fawndlyvenus I know you guys like this pairing, so you will have to let me know what you think of it!

[tbhimnoteasyonmyself]

LOSING SLEEP BECAUSE OF CHANBIG FICS IS A MOOD !

IT'S SO REAL

Like... Okay. I hadn't really had a fanfiction phase IN YEARS. I was basically convinced it wasn't gonna come back. AND THEN MINSUNG HAPPENED. Most brain consuming thing ever, Han Jisung and his grumpy butthunter, Lino. So now I'm back at it. Back at my shenanigans. Feels just like eating something you never had again after you stopped being a kid and now you have it again and it's like "ahhhh yeah!! what the hell, this is so good?!? why did I ever stop eating this???" ANYWAYS. I was on Big's tag and the fanart... THE FANART. It hit me, okay? It hit me. And now I'm a connaisseur of the ChanBig tag on AO3, could give people tours around the place by now, I think. Ksksksksksks.

The funniest part is that it had never occured to me before, I was just reading my KimChay in peace. This came totally out of nowhere ksksksksk. I've welcomed it as part of my fandom experience now bjt it's just funny how the old saying is correct: "you're always just one really good fan content away from finding out something new about yourself". Ksksksksks

Anyways...

All the love, Naga 💜💜💜

[chainedupgirlsblog]

Chan: Where’s Vegas?

Big: Doing stuff

Chan: Where’s Pete, then?

Big: He’s the stuff Vegas is doing…

Chan: …

Chan: Forget I asked

[itsanidiom]

FIX IT FIX ME

Pairing: ChanBig

Rating: Explicit

Summary: Big wakes up in a hospital bed. Chan is there waiting for him and he is none too pleased.

Self-sacrifice, though admirable, isn’t technically part of the job description when it comes to protecting anyone outside the main family. So, Chan really isn't talking to Big, but he can’t avoid him forever.

[killiru]

So Chanbignation.... how are we doing. In any case, I' ve never felt so dead inside.

[cubelik]

“Big.” Chan’s hands closed around his body just above his waist. He seemed ready to physically move him back, but then Big let out a pained hiss. Chan jerked, pulling his hands back only to have Big capture his wrists.

Big quirked a brow and Chan knew he’d been had. With a smirk, Big settled the older man’s large hands back around his waist, gently this time. Letting go, he then reached up and took Chan’s strong jaw in his palms.

Big fixed the older man with doe eyes and whispered, “I’m sorry, daddy.”

Можете говорить что угодно, но 100% это то, что было в реальности где-то в серии 11. Просто BoC не хватило времени их показать.

Чан/Биг канон!

[ae-azile]

Kind of have a Chan/Big one-shot in my head that I am thinking about writing but have no time for. I'm going to bullet point it here to have on hand for later.

Big still takes the bullets for Porsche. When Kinn arrives, he initially thinks he is dead. Tawan still presses the button and kills himself. However, the bombs Tawan placed end up being duds and the effort was for nothing.

Once they realize the place isn't about to blow up, they go back inside to get Big's body. He turns out to be unconscious but alive. They rush him to the infirmary and he miraculously pulls through, but is going to be there for a while.

Despite the Drama™️ going on, Kinn, Porsche, and his fellow guards visit him. Kinn is very thankful and sorry, Porsche is thankful as well but feels like Big should value himself more highly and tells him as much, and the rest are trying to be present.

Even Tankhun visits him. He usually talks about how he should put demands on Korn to change up the decor of his room. But occasionally, he tearfully thanks Big for saving Porsche. There is also one time that he tells Big he deserves a better ending than the one he tried to give himself. That he may not have leading man energy, but he could totally be half of a secondary couple in a K-Drama if he just found the right person.

"And sometimes the secondary couple is more interesting anyway!"

But out of everyone, Chan visits the most frequently and has been putting the most work in when it comes to Big's care.

The thing is, Big notices two guards aren't around: Pete and Ken. The guards tell him Pete is visiting his grandmother, and they sound believable enough when they say that, even though it seems like strange timing. But they won't meet his eyes when he asks about Ken, and their stories never line up.

Chan eventually tells him. While the truth paints Ken as a traitor and there is no getting around that, Chan tries his best to empathize with Ken by telling Big that Ken was likely approached by Gun with an incentive to be a double agent. If he would have refused, it would have cost him his life a lot earlier on. He says it to let Big know it's okay to mourn Ken. Ken was still his roommate and his friend, regardless of what he did.

They become closer after that night, and Chan talks to Big in a way that is less gruff and more gentle. Big finds comfort in him, and has prior to this. Chan was the one who made sure Big took an extended break after his father died. He drove an hour each way to check on him at his mother's house back when that happened. So Big has felt comfortable coming to Chan in his moments of worry or doubt, and he has always viewed Chan with respect and affection while the other guards tended to be more intimidated by him. But something feels different now.

He doesn't know who to talk about it with though. Ken is dead, and he probably would have teased him and said he had a crush on their boss.

Does he?

Chan is at least ten years older than him. He probably shouldn't have a crush on him. He's also actively taking care of Big, and Big has a long recovery in front of him. He's setting himself up for unrequited love. Again.

Speaking of, Kinn is continuing to visit. He does so frequently, and Big can see that he's wracked with gullt. Big still feels his heart beat a little faster whenever he walks into a room, but that is starting to feel different too. Kinn almost feels like a friend now. That's probably inappropriate as well, but on a lesser level.

So he holds it in. He plans on doing so forever until he wakes up gasping from a nightmare. Chan had fallen asleep in the chair, but wakes up when Big does. Instead of telling him it's just a dream, he scoots closer to comfort him, strokes his hair, and holds his hand until he falls back asleep.

Big ends up telling Pol, of all people. It just slips out. Pol doesn't seem like the right person to tell, but not the wrong person either. He manages to strongly empathize with and defend Tankhun, while most of the guards tend to steer clear of him, so maybe he will understand this insanity.

Pol is actually nice to talk to. While he doesn't completely understand a potential crush on Chan because Chan is intimidating, he gets having a crush on someone a good bit older. He thinks he might be into a bartender friend of Porsche's, and she has several years on him.

The conversation doesn't give Big any answers, but it does make him feel a little better. He's able to be around Chan and not feel like freaking out.

That is, until Korn "dies" and the attack approaches. Chan has Big moved to a more secure location a day prior. Big wants to stay, Chan won't let him. Big only feels okay about leaving when Chan says he will command from the armory while Arm sends out remote attacks, that he won't be a frontline guard.

Chan lied.

Does he die? Does he miraculously live like Big manages to in this canon divergent fic or like Vegas does in canon? Depends on how much I want to torture Big, I suppose...

Jk, I want them as infirmary roomies falling in love, all while Pol wheels in to visit while he heals from his less serious injury. I also want Chan to be finished with Korn altogether after everything he pulled.

[ae-azile]

Lost & Found: Chapter 2 Preview

He welcomes Big into his bed again that night. The thought of being alone is off-putting, and Big seems okay with staying. In fact, he seems as relieved as Chan feels to have company.

“Did Khun Korn give you today off too?” Big asks as he slips under the covers next to him, “I didn't see you around.”

Chan gives Big a sort-of motion with his hand before turning onto his side to face Big, “I met him for lunch. Played chess and discussed a book he decided we both needed to read a couple of weeks ago. He's worse than Tankhun when it comes to needing a guard around to entertain him.”

Big snorts, “I doubt it.”

���It's true,” Chan says, “He's incredibly needy and annoying.”

And then, he remembers that he is talking to a guard under his supervision.

“I mean…” Chan says, correcting himself while Big fails to hold back an amused grin, “He's…an intellectual who wants his guards to take part in his hobbies.”

“Like father, like son.”

“Pretty much,” Chan says, but he remembers not minding so much with Tankhun. Granted, Tankhun was eleven when Chan started, he wasn't kidnapped for six more years. Back then, he was a child who had an unfair amount of responsibilities and pressure on his shoulders. Chan hadn't minded entertaining Tankhun.

He wishes he hadn't been on leave in London when the kidnapping occurred. It is why he has kept his trips short and rare since.

“But it wasn’t so bad this time,” Chan says, “He didn't keep me. I was allowed to work from here and focus on scheduling. How was your day?”

“Khun Kinn had a few meetings,” Big says, “Porsche attended a couple of them, or he sat out in the lounge with me on standby.”

Chan raises an eyebrow at that, “He didn't have you go in to be on guard for Khun Kinn? In case things went wrong?”

“I was supposed to,” Big says, inching a little closer, “But Khun Chatri made a few comments to me at lunch, so Porsche and Kinn arranged it so Gear went with them into the conference room.”

“Comments?” Chan asks. Big stays silent for a moment, then shrugs the inquiry away.

“So you're flying out on Sunday-”

“What comments?” Chan asks. Big looks reluctant to say. When Chan gives him a moment, only to still get nothing, he breathes out through his nose and pulls Big even closer. Big scoots in immediately, entering Chan’s space until their heads are resting on the same pillow.

“Nothing horrible,” Big says quietly, hesitating at first, but tentatively resting his arm around Chan. Since Big is doing it to him, Chan returns the gesture, “They were just inappropriate.”

“Inappropriate how?”

“He said that he would like some pre-trained guards, that whoever trains us must be highly competent, at least from what he's heard,” Big says, “He was pushing for a guard to be included in the trade. I'm not sure if he was actually serious. But he said I would be at the top of his list. That I was…pretty. That my duties would extend past standing on guard and that he would put…specific orifices to use-”

Chan picks his head up suddenly, “He said that?”

“It was cruder, but he had also been drinking-”

“No excuse,” Chan mutters, turning onto his back to grab his phone.

Big props himself up, “What are you doing?”

Chan doesn't answer as he creates a text with both Kinn and Porsche.

Chan: I will be changing the schedule around until the Chatri deal is closed and he is no longer regularly coming around the compound. Gear, First, and Job will be your guards throughout the rest of the week.

Kinn: Okay. I take it Big mentioned how Chatri conducted himself?

Chan: He told me Chatri made sexual comments and offers. While I realize the guards are expected to risk their lives under necessary circumstances, it is not a part of the contract for them to face unwanted advances or harassment from our so-called allies. I understand that severing the Chatri deal would cause tension and not be in the best interest for the family's various business dealings with him, but it is not acceptable for him to conduct himself the way he did this afternoon. He will no longer have access to Big.

Kinn: We took steps once we realized Chatri’s behavior might continue. However, I believe having Big stationed elsewhere during Chatri’s appointments will be for the best as well. I am glad he felt comfortable telling you, especially if the situation made him uneasy or upset. I will make sure to debrief with him in the morning so that he knows Chatri’s propositions were unacceptable and that he doesn't need to put up with that kind of situation should it ever arise again.

Porsche: We would never sell Big!

Good, because Chan might turn on the entire family and burn down the compound if a deal like that occurred. He doesn't put the threat out there though.

Porsche: I could tell it pissed Big off. I tried to get him to talk about it when we switched him out, but he remained annoyingly professional and stoic.

Chan: Which is why it might be important to make the guards' autonomy and expectations clear. This is not the first time something like this has happened - to Big or a few of the other guards. While I have told them to calmly but firmly set up boundaries with visiting allies and associates if something like this occurs, they might be more likely to do it if they heard it from Khun Kinn.

Kinn: I'm sure Pa has said something to them in the past.

He hasn't. Chan knows Korn has not said a word about situations where guards get harassed or asked for when it comes to a potential trade. Korn wants the guards to feel cared for and financially stable, but never secure or truly safe.

Chan: He hasn't, at least to my knowledge. We have several younger guards here who have various forms of trauma, little to no support systems outside of their coworkers, and might not know how to handle an imbalance like that. Big has seniority over most of them, but he is only 28. Chatri is twice his age, extremely wealthy, and should have never put Big in that position.

Porsche: Agreed! When he groped Big, I almost flipped out at him. 😡 If you had seen it, I KNOW you would have intimidated the shit out of the guy.

Chan looks away from his phone and stares at Big sharply, “He touched you?”

Big keeps his arm around Chan’s middle, “Are you talking to Kinn or Porsche?”

“Both,” Chan says, then lets out a harsh breath, “Were you ever alone with him?”

Big shrugs, “Just to escort him into the East Wing dining area.”

“Did anything happen during that time?”

“Comments,” is all Big says at first, but then elaborates, “He's done it a few times over the years, but he was surprisingly bold today. Maybe he is getting an early form of dementia and doesn't care about how he comes across anymore-”

“He's not,” Chan grunts out as he focuses on his phone, “He knows exactly what he's doing.”

“Clearly not if he thinks I'm worth throwing into a business deal.”

Chan pauses, then puts his phone back down on his chest, “I would say that you are wrong since your assumption seems to be coming from a self-deprecating place, but no human should be thrown into a business deal or bought.”

Big doesn't have anything to say to that, so Chan picks up his phone again. He wants details. He wants to know how bad it was so he can figure out a way to kill Chatri and not have it traced back to him. But even if it was, he would stand by his decision.

Chan: Elaborate on what you mean by “grope.”

Porsche: You guys are really close, huh? You sound so protective of him 🥰

Chan: Elaborate.

Porsche: 🙄 Fine. You should know, so I’ll tell you. Chatri was AWFUL to him! He was literally trying to push Big up against a wall and undo his pants when I turned the corner to meet them. Big dodged him and got some distance between them, but still! Pissed me off, and I could tell Big was pissed off too.

As Chan turns his head to look at Big again, Big jerks his own back slightly at Chan’s expression.

“...I'm sure they are making it sound worse than it was-”

“Stop,” Chan grunts before his phone pings again.

Kinn: I made it clear to Chatri that Big was never going to be a part of a deal and to refrain from touching any of our guards if he wanted to keep our connection positive and lucrative. And again, I will make sure to check in with Big tomorrow. Or tonight, if he is available.

Porsche: Since he just told you, I assume he might be nearby? You can send him over. We’d be happy to apologize for what happened, reassure him that we will advocate for him, and encourage him to advocate for himself if something similar happens in the future.

Chan stares at his phone for a minute, then glances at Big. They are both already in their pajamas. Big looks relaxed despite his day, and he is gently twirling the fabric of Chan’s grey t-shirt around his fingers.

Chan: He can meet with you tomorrow. Good night.

“Are you mad?”

Chan sighs, “Not at you. At Chatri. And at myself for scheduling you for meetings with him. I really wish you would have told me this has been an issue in the past.”

“He hasn't come around that much, not since he invested in the resort chain,” Big says, then focuses on Chan’s shirt again, “We weren't as close then.”

“No, but we were close enough. I mentored you,” Chan says, “I wish you would have come to me about it. I would have made sure it stopped being a problem much sooner. And if it somehow continued anyway, I would have done everything in my power to protect you.”

Big stares at him wide eyed before clearing his throat and looking away again, “It wasn't that serious.”

Maybe not compared to other things they have faced, but it feels more than serious enough to Chan.

“Just promise me you won't hesitate telling me if something like that happens again,” Chan says, “It doesn't matter who, but if you feel like someone is…abusing their power to manipulate you or see how much you will put up with…even if it's me-”

“Even if it's you?” Big says, lifting his head up, “What do you mean?”

Now, Chan is the one who feels tight lipped.

“Chan? What do you mean?”

Fine. He’ll just say it.

“I realize that our…friendship…” Chan starts, then briefly closes his eyes, “I realize what we are doing is not typical, especially with the differences in our rank.”

Big stays quiet, his arms still around Chan’s middle. Chan feels himself sharply breathes in with surprise when Big leans in and rests his cheek against Chan’s shoulder.

“I don't have a problem with this,” Big says, “If I did, I wouldn't initiate…things like this most of the time. It's normally me who starts it, Phi.”

That's true.

“You don't intimidate me. Sorry.”

As Chan huffs out a laugh, Big props himself up on Chan’s chest and Chan lifts his hand to run it up and down Big’s back.

“Are you uncomfortable by this?” Big asks him.

No. Maybe not knowing what is exactly happening between them is uncomfortable. Not knowing how to proceed or if he even should is also uncomfortable. But Big’s proximity, Big’s touch, and the closeness that has developed between them over the last year and a half is a comfort.

He wants Big to move back in. It would be so easy. They don't even need to redo the office. Big doesn’t seem to mind sleeping here in the bed with him. Last night, Chan offered. Tonight, Big was the one to ask to stay the night with him.

So maybe Chan isn't pressuring him.

“Do you…” Big starts, then tries again, “If you want me to leave-”

“No.”

“Or stop touching you…” Big says, then looks down at Chan’s chest. When he makes a move to lift himself off, Chan shifts his arm underneath him and pulls him back in.

“No,” Chan murmurs. Big - now resting inside the crook of his arm - looks up at him with a mixture of hope and hesitation. All Chan can do is lift his other hand to cup Big’s cheek. Big keeps his eyes on him as he lifts his own hand to keep Chan’s right where it is.

“I like you,” Big says, his voice sounding slightly strangled, “It's uh…It's a lot more than just like, but I don't want to fuck up everything between us if you don't feel the same way. So that's all I'm willing to say for now.”

[ae-azile]

A Familiar Road to the Unknown: Chapter 3 Preview

Big falls asleep in his arms. Chan supposes the drugs and after effects of the coma are making him more outwardly emotional.

Although, one shouldn't need that reason to cry for a departed friend. Getting emotional can be seen as a weakness though, at least here. It had been something Korn quietly and gently reminded him of when Chan got the phone call about Big waking up. He hadn't expected a call like that. He had been preparing himself for the worst because that was what he trained himself to do. Gun had already left, Kinn was no longer in the room, so he just had Korn, Tankhun, and Ken’s severed head as company when Pol called and told Chan that Big was awake and at least half lucid. And despite telling Pol that he wasn't crying, he was. He burst into tears before he knew what emotions were bubbling up, all while Korn sat there looking somewhat unimpressed.

To be fair, Korn hadn't been cruel after Chan got off the phone and asked to be excused, and he had waited to speak to him until Tankhun quietly left and said he would update Kinn and Porsche. But once Tankhun did leave, Korn gave him a calm, but stern reminder to keep his emotions in check. Chan was usually good at that. It was the first time he needed a reminder like that in over ten years. The last time he needed a similar reminder was after he rescued Tankhun and saw the state he was in. The torture and torment Tankhun had gone through was already physically clear, and the way he was petrified to let anyone touch him solidified it. Chan had stayed calm, kept any required physical contact gentle and comforting, and got him back to the compound infirmary. When he left his side and reported to Korn to give him the details, he had cracked. He was given the constructive criticism and he never needed it again.

Until a few days ago. Until Big woke up when his odds had been so slim. Until he realized he wasn't losing Big after all.

Not that Big was his to lose.

However, Chan had been under the assumption Big would settle down, let go, and go to sleep once Chan went back to the couch - or at least went to the chair in case Big needed someone close for a while. He had needed someone close and Chan expected that he might, but he didn't realize how close. Even after Big calms down, he silently and stubbornly clings to him, making it so Chan takes residence on the edge of Big’s infirmary bed. His right leg propped up against Big’s leg while his left foot stays planted on the floor. He doesn't think Big really realizes he is demanding that Chan stay in his bed. He also likely doesn't realize that Chan is not particularly comfortable.

But if Big wants this, Chan will stay. He doesn't remember the last time he was hugged. It's been a while. His grandfather was never much of a hugger. He loved Chan, but losing his only child as well as his wife so early made him distant.

It was also how Ma died that made him distant. That was hard for everyone. And Chan was always told he was a perfect blend of his mother and his mother’s killer. Even the little bit of extended family around had a hard time looking in this direction too long.

He probably got hugged by Tankhun and Kinn more than he got hugged by his family. Not so much Kim. Kim wasn't the affectionate type. The only time Kim had hugged him was when he saved Tankhun and brought him back home. As for Kinn, he did it frequently as a young child before the behavior naturally died out. As for Tankhun, he hugged Chan on his 35th birthday - three years ago in two weeks. It was never a day Chan advertised, but the family knew. They don't celebrate it and Chan has never asked them to. He gets a birthday bonus like everyone else does, and his is higher than what the other guards get. But celebrating it? No. Chan has been too high up in the ranks to have co-worker friends for close to a decade, so he supposes his last birthday celebration happened before his last and highest promotion.

It makes sense he hasn't had a hug for three years.

It's overwhelming, and yet somehow comforting. Those two emotions conflict with each other. It seems impossible for them to co-exist simultaneously.

Chan is pulled from his thoughts when Big shifts against his side. When Chan glances down, he sees Big looking up at him with wide eyes. It seems to take a moment for Big to register that Chan is staring back at him. But once he does, he quickly hides his face into Chan’s ribs and closes his eyes again, as if he's hiding from Chan. However, if he is, he isn't doing a good job of it. Chan can feel Big squeezing him a little more tightly and his fingers gripping the fabric of his shirt. If Chan were less rooted in reality, he would assume Big wants him here in this bed with him.

Maybe he does. Or maybe Big fells asleep upset and woke up just enough to know he can't be alone right now, not after learning about Ken.

So maybe it's a need, rather than a want. Or maybe Big is just confused.

Regardless, Chan lets it happen, and that's probably because he wants it to happen. Like his grandfather and Kim, he's never been a hugger either. But three years is a long time. Maybe Chan needs this too.

[ae-azile]

I deleted the poll, but for good reason. I have one-shot summaries and tags for each potential one-shot. Read them below and vote for the one you would most like to read! 🩵

ArmKhun

Summary:

After Tankhun gradually and quietly weans himself off of the last of his psychiatric medications, he prepares himself for the worst. There is a chance his emotions will get the best of him and he will cause a scene at a family dinner. Or maybe his sleep schedule will be no more and he will stay up several nights in a row before hallucinating. In contrast, he may sleep the day away and spend his waking hours in a catatonic state. There is always the possibility of the suicidal ideation making a comeback. And if he is perseverating on certain memories intently enough, that ideation could lead to an attempt. So many risks.

But despite the medications being adjusted again and again the first few years after his kidnapping, they have been left as is for over twice as long. 

Tankhun just wants to know who he is, despite the risks. He may have lost Pete, but still has Arm and Pol. They're his guards and his friends. If one of those risks becomes a reality, he knows he just needs to say one word and they will help him. With Arm, he often doesn't have to say anything at all. 

But somehow, Tankhun feels fantastic. Even after the first week completely off his medications, he isn't easily distracted, somehow feels calmer but still has energy, and does not have one suicidal thought cross his mind. In fact, he has only had one side effect: persistent and repetitive sexual arousal all throughout the day accompanied by the most vivid dreams at night. 

Suddenly, saying one word for help seems incredibly daunting, especially when the dreams revolve around the person who helps him the most.

Pairing: Arm/Tankhun, sort of Tankhun/OMC and Tankhun/OFC

Rating: E

Warnings: hinted medical abuse/control, references to past suicidal ideation and attempts, past kidnapping, and past sexual abuse, yet somehow manages to be sassy and funny. 

Key Tags: Masturbation, prostitutes and hookups, confused/concerned/jealous Arm, sexually and emotionally frustrated Tankhun, impromptu vacation, friends (or boss/employee) to lovers, post-canon.

VegasPete

Summary: After gay marriage has officially been legalized in Thailand, Vegas doesn't think it will have any impact on his life. Even though he is in love with Pete and they have formed a small, but incredibly stable family together, their relationship is far from traditional. Vegas doesn't need marriage. At all. In fact, it sort of sounds like a hassle. Vegas isn't going to propose a hassle to Pete.

So Pete not bringing up even the possibility of marriage shouldn't bother him as much as it does. 

Pairing: VegasPete, side KinnPorsche

Rating: Likely M

Warnings: low self-worth moments and Vegas spiraling a bit over not having a ring on his finger.

Key Tags: Proposals, Miscommunication, Pathetic!Vegas, Oblivious!Pete, Post-Canon

KinnPorsche

Summary: 

Even before joining the mafia, Porsche has had a tendency to find trouble, and occasionally create it. However, he is MINDING HIS OWN BUSINESS during this kidnapping. He doesn't even know how this lady is as strong as she ends up being. He's sort of impressed. She is pretty tiny and just manhandles him. 

However, his respect quickly diminishes into horror when she taps him on the head with a stick and separates his soul from his body. 

“Don't worry. I’ll return you to your body unharmed once you stop being of use to me.” 

What does that even mean?! When Porsche tries to grab her, his arm goes right through her. Eventually, he walks back to the compound to tell Kinn about this bullshit. Or he would, if Kinn, Chay, Khun, Arm, Pol, or even Korn could even see or hear him. 

But despite his ghost form being a huge stressor and annoyance, the grief, fear, rage, and never ending love and determination Kinn shows over Porsche’s whereabouts and his safety makes Porsche feel special. Kinn acting this way is dangerous for everyone, but Porsche thinks it's so cute at the same time. He has come to the conclusion that as long as Kinn doesn't do anything TOO reckless, this will be interesting to see play out until this lady gets whatever she wants from Korn. 

As for the other drama at the compound that Porsche now has a front and center view to? It's pretty eye-opening. 

Pairing: KinnPorsche, side ArmKhun, side KimChay, side Ghost!Chan/Ghost!Big

Rating: M 

Warnings: Characters experiencing grief, anxiety, and fear over their loved one, voyeurism, secrets being revealed, (sort of) temporary character death. 

Key Tags: Ghost!Porsche, Ghost!Pals, Ghost!Gun, Mourning, crack treated seriously, Badass!Kinn, revenge, secret relationships, post-canon

ChanBig

Summary: 

After Chan and Big both survive their injuries and the trauma from the attack, they move in together to lend each other a hand while they heal from their respective injuries. It's not about Big finding the sight of his dead roommate’s bed anxiety inducing, nor is it about Chan questioning his alliance with Korn for the first time since he started working for the family. Even if it was, Chan is good with bringing Big back down from panic attacks. As for Big, he would like to think he can be someone Chan can trust and talk with while he figures out his next move. He wants to be as much of a comfort for Chan as Chan is for him.

Even though that's not the reason they are rooming together. At all.

Pairing: Chan/Big

Rating: E

Warnings: long-term injuries, betrayal from other characters. 

Key Tags: Bed sharing, hurt/comfort, roommates to lovers, age difference, Post-Canon, Canon Divergence

KimChay

He's so pathetic. He doesn't know why people leave him gifts in front of his apartment building. But none of those gifts cause the confusion he feels when he finds a newborn baby outside his front door. It's the strangest “gift” he has ever received and it's one he has to contact the police over. 

Kim’s fans can be a little…intense. Ever since Why Don't You Stay was released, Kim's fame has continued to rise, but so have the inappropriate comments and flirtations, number of stalkers, and number of strange gifts. And none of those things matter when Chay has yet to say more than a few words to him. He doesn't want any of the excess attention, propositions for sex, or gifts unless it comes from Chay. 

Again. 

And again. 

And again. 

When the baby appears at the foot of his bed out of thin air, Kim figures he may need help that no cop can offer. But until he can find the kind of help he needs to get this baby out of his life, he is moving back to the compound for the first time since he was seventeen. He hates the thought of it, but he's not staying in his apartment with a cursed baby. At least Khun and Kinn are at the compound, as well as guards who can tend to this thing so Kim doesn't have to. 

As for Chay’s presence? It's a big building. If Chay truly doesn't want to see him, Kim will stay out of his way, deal with this problem, and Chay will be none the wiser. 

Pairings: KimChay, side Armkhun, side KinnPorsche, side VegasPete+Macau

Rating: M

Warnings: forced parenthood 

Key Tags: Magical/Cursed babies, crack treated seriously, KimChay reconciliation, KimChay as co-parents, friends to crushes to enemies to co-parents to lovers. 

[ae-azile]

Chapter 3 of Lost & Found is now up!

Chapter Summary:

Big sorts through his emotions about his reciprocated feelings for Chan upon waking up, then makes breakfast for the two of them. Chatri sets his sights on another guard in Big's absence. Tankhun and Chan realize the are on they same page before eating lunch with the people they are the most fond of.

Story Summary:

For the past two years, Chan's relationship with Big has been profound, undefined, and the most frustrating part of Chan’s life. What they have is more than a friendship. But due to their difference in rank, Chan doubts it can become more.

It especially can't after he is expected to leave for London to care for his terminally ill father. If their expectations didn't prevent a relationship while living under the same roof in Bangkok, then being in separate countries where one of them isn't allowed regular access to a phone will likely put a stop to what has been happening.

Yet before Chan leaves, their intimacy becomes more explicitly romantic. There is no question about what they feel for each other, even if their relationship is undefined. Once Big surprisingly gets access to his phone and nightly calls develop, Chan knows he’d like to define it. He knows he wants Big to be his person and promises to address the matter with Korn when he returns. In exchange, Big promises to join him in London for the funeral to be there for him.

But it's hard to keep any of those promises when Big disappears after a mission gone wrong, leaving Chan with no choice but to deconstruct his own life until he finds him.

[ae-azile]

Lost & Found: Chapter 3 Preview

Big wakes up prior to the alarm. Even though this is the second night in a row he has spent the night, he woke up feeling much more confused yesterday morning. Comforted and hopeful, but confused. Last night made things so much clearer. Apparently, Chan likes him too. Someone Big has feelings for - someone Big loves - actually seems to like him back.

He didn't think that was possible. Part of him wonders if he dreamed it or misunderstood in some way. But considering their pajamas and underwear are on the floor and they are both naked under the covers, Big is sure last night happened. The way Chan is still holding him tells him that it did too.

He can't believe he told Chan how he felt. He figured it would be the same as it was with Kinn. Push the feelings down, try his best to be there for him as a friend and subordinate, and accept that Chan is above him and deserves better. But things have been so different with Chan. Whatever line had been between them before became so blurred over the last two years. There had been times where the line blurred slightly with Kinn. He comforted Kinn a lot after they thought they killed Tawan. Sometimes he needed to be hugged, put to bed, or someone to stay close on nights where things got a little too dark. But it was always professional, in some way. The interactions may have caused Big to develop feelings for Kinn, but there was still a definitive boundary that he never tried to cross. Getting shot made him feel full acceptance when it came to that. Even though he thought he was dying with the knowledge he was cared for by maybe a few, but loved by no one, he accepted it.

And then he woke up several nights later and Chan was asleep in a chair at his bedside. He looked exhausted, but he woke up within seconds after sensing Big was awake. He held his hand, comforted him, spent every moment of free time with him, did everything he could to nurse Big back to health while preparing for a potential attack, and moved him into his suite once one became imminent.

Big had wanted to kiss him then, back when he begged Chan to stay. He rushed over to him and clung onto his waist, still emotional and confused from the drugs in his system, and traumatized from the injuries and recent events. Chan had hugged him back without hesitation. Even in the mindset Big was in, that had surprised him. It hadn't been surprising that Chan told him he couldn't stay in the suite with him. All Big could do was compromise and ask Chan to do anything he could to stay safe. Chan promised him that much. He promised, and it was a lie.

Chan better not be lying to him right now.

Big looks at Chan’s sleeping face suspiciously, then tries not to get paranoid over the possibility. Instead, he just wraps himself around Chan more fully. They had talked that out a couple of times, and Chan apologized for it. Even if he hadn't, Big still would have taken care of him. Chan was in the infirmary for over a month. He had an even closer call than Big did, as well as a longer medically induced coma. Big remembers both Kinn and Porsche trying to get him to go back to his own suite. But that had been so unappealing. His suite was too far from the infirmary - from Chan - and it also still had Ken’s things in it, which made it so Big never wanted to go back there again.

They did end up quietly saying he could continue staying in Chan’s suite if he wanted, that they seriously doubted Chan would mind. While it was closer and it was more appealing than his own suite in multiple ways, Big knew he would sleep better on the couch in Chan’s infirmary suite. While other people visited - Kinn, Porsche, Tankhun, Arm, and Pol, mainly - no one was there more than Big because Big barely left.

Even when Chan woke up and Big was reassured that Chan would be alright despite needing a lengthier recovery, Big still stayed. Chan had been out of sorts and needed someone around.

Especially when Korn visited and Chan made his anger and resentment towards Korn clear. Big hadn’t blamed him for feeling that way at all, and while Chan lacked a filter, Big thinks his mind was pretty clear when he called Korn a “sociopathic snake” to his face.

Big was ready to jump across that bed and take another bullet if needed. But Korn had just smiled and told Chan that every step taken was a necessary measure. He then said that Chan was family and it was of utmost importance that he get some rest, all while barely dodging the glass of water Chan threw at his head.

Big still has no idea how Chan got back into Korn’s good graces after that. He knows Korn hasn’t gotten back into Chan's. Not really. Maybe they are both just faking because neither of them feel like they have any choice.

Yet - for some reason - Chan continued to choose Big. He’s the one who said Big could continue to stay in his suite with him, even though there were probably more capable candidates. He was stubborn about the level of care he needed for a while - likely a mixture of Chan’s pride and his concern for Big’s injuries - but they made things work, supported each other the best they could, and became closer with each passing day. Soon enough, Big could pick up on Chan's micro expressions and how he was feeling, and Chan could pick up on his. They knew how to move around each other while getting ready or cooking in the kitchen, and their physical affection grew in a way Big never experienced from anyone. It had been foreign to want to feel someone else’s touch to that extent. It's what made Big start initiating, just to see if Chan would reciprocate. When he actually did, Big would feel an exhilarating, panicky feeling that was conflicting and addicting. There were times he had to remind himself that it wasn't like with what happened to him before, that Chan wouldn't hurt him or do anything Big didn't want him to do. It had been strange because Big wanted to be close to Chan. But earlier on, it could cause brief and strange regressive states where he felt young, undesirable, and vulnerable. When he had moments like that, he always prepared himself for Chan to ask him to pack up his things. But instead, Chan seemed to catch on that Big needed attention, affection, and someone close by. Those had usually been the nights when they both found an excuse to fall asleep on the couch together with the television on. It always made Big feel safe. Soon enough, touching Chan and being touched by Chan only resulted in security and comfort - foreign feelings, up until that point.

And because it felt so foreign, they also played into why he moved out. Even though he really did leave because people were gossiping about them and he didn't want that to affect Chan's position, he also left because he felt it would be easier if he was the one to put that distance in place. Chan had become addicting, Big had fallen in love with someone who could never love him back, and he didn't want to put that burden on Chan. It had been both selfless and selfish and he regretted it every single day, even though he still spent so much time with Chan outside of work anyway.

He thought he might regret confessing his feelings. It had put everything that developed between them on the line. But considering Chan was leaving for an extended period of time, he felt like he would regret it if he didn't. Chan hugging him in the parking lot and asking Big to sleep in the bed with him made him wonder if Chan might feel the same way.

Apparently, he does. Going by last night, he does. Now, Big doesn't regret telling him at all.

Although, he regrets going off into his head after they came together. It was as if he had the best feeling in the world, never feeling more emotionally and physically close to a person in his life, only to become absent. And Chan caught onto it. He tried to get him to talk about it.

That isn't going to happen. Ever. Chan doesn't need to know. He proved to himself a long time ago that he’s fine. He hooked up with a few guys, just to prove to himself that he could become intimate with someone in the event anyone would want a relationship with him. The last time may have happened years ago, but he still did it.

And yet he went into his head with Chan. He blanked out with the man he loves so much that it consumes him.

“You're awake early.”

Big shakes his head before nestling it under Chan’s chin, “I'm not awake.”

“So you're sleep talking?” Chan asks, gently scratching Big’s back, “You only did that in the infirmary and when you were sick with the flu six months ago.”

Big opens his eyes and shifts over until he is partially on top of Chan, “I don't remember that.”

“Not surprised.”

“What did I say?”

“Hmm…” Chan starts, seeming like he is trying to recall, “Well, you were really out of it in the infirmary. Most of the stuff you said made very little sense. Probably things left over from whatever you had been dreaming. But there were a few times you would seem lucid, only to take me by surprise and made me realize you absolutely weren't.”

“What happened those times?”

“A few days after you woke up, you talked about a book you had read several weeks before. I had also read it, and you were on point about the plot, characterizations, and themes, but you said I didn't seem like the type to read something like that. I took offense. Not outwardly, but still. Then, I realized you didn't even know who I was. You thought I was Pol-”

“I did NOT think you were Pol,” Big scoffs.

“You did,” Chan says, “I think it is because he was sitting with you during my shift and your brain hadn't caught up with the change in company. But you believed I was Pol for about two hours, and then you were bewildered as to how I got there once you snapped out of it.”

Big lightly slaps Chan’s chest, “You could have corrected me.”

“I did. Several times. You didn't believe me.”

“Weird,” Big says, “Did I say or do anything else embarrassing?”

“You weren't embarrassing. You were funny and cute,” Chan muses, “Sort of a brat too.”

“Was not. Tell me.”

“...You asked for a dog at one point,” Chan says, “You were…It wasn’t even when you were out of the woods yet. You opened your eyes, took my hand, and said having a dog would make you really happy.”

Big blinks at that, then shrugs, “I always wanted one when I was younger. Badly. I was trying to prove I was responsible enough to get one when the accident happened. I guess it's for the best I didn't get one. The dog would have been put in a shelter or worse once I went into government custody. Did you remind me of the rule about guards not being allowed to have pets? I know Tankhun has tried again and again to get Korn to change it even though none of the guards asked him to, but I get why it's in place. In case something happens. Guess I didn't remember when I was out of my head like that. So I'm guessing you talked me out of that idea?”

Chan goes quiet for a moment, then lets out a sharp exhale and shakes his head, “No. It was the first time you talked and I wasn't sure if you were going to make it. I just looked up shelters on my phone to see what kind of dog you might like, and in an attempt to keep him you talking.You were drawn to this six year old mutt. She was found on the outskirts of the city. After you went back to sleep, I prayed to whoever might be listening and begged for you to get better, that if you got better, I would get you that dog, regardless of the rules.”

Big shifts a little and stares at Chan for a moment, “And then you came to your senses and remembered we can't have dogs.”

“No, I booked an appointment to visit her and see if she was a good fit,” Chan says, taking Big by surprise, “And then Korn texted me and told me that I did not need to get a dog, especially at that time.”

Korn is such a creep. But Big refrains from saying that. Besides, they really aren't supposed to have pets.

“It probably is for the best you didn't get her for me,” Big says softly, “I wasn't in the shape to care for her, and you got hurt not too long after. Although you could have avoided that-”

“Is that what we are going to talk about? Again?” Chan asks with a sigh.

“Fine,” Big says, then pushes his head under Chan’s chin again, “How much time do we have until we need to get up?”

“You have more time to sleep than I do. My alarm is set for 6:30,” Chan tells him.

Big sits up briefly and looks at the clock, “It's 5:30.”

“I want to shower,” Chan says, sitting up too, "I should do it now. If I go back to sleep, I won't want to get up.”

“I want to shower with you,” Big tells him, causing Chan’s eyebrows to rise in surprise. He isn't going to overthink what he just said or of the potential ramifications of it - like Chan changing his mind or thinking Big is being too forward. But Chan must not mind or even like the idea since Big finds himself on his back and Chan’s lips on his a second later. Big is taking the move as permission that he can.

—----------------------------------------------------------------

Big thought he would be the reluctant one to go to work. He has less of a reason to go than he normally would. Unless there is an event, off-site meeting, or a crisis, shifts in the armory tend to be geared towards making sure their inventory is stocked and the weapons are cared for properly. Big can help with some of the security updates when he is there since he has more than enough tech knowledge for that, but Arm tends to be the one who experiments in building new weapons. So Big figures that he will mainly be sitting there watching the cameras. Considering he is going to be an extra body in the armory, it feels like a pointless shift.

But since it is going to be an easier day for him, Big decided to make breakfast. They are both up early, and Big doesn't have to be in the armory until 9. He's making eggs benedict with tomato, arugula, avocado, and turkey bacon since they are all things Chan has in his fridge, along with breakfast potatoes. Big tends to be more partial to Thai food, but has broadened his palate a lot in the last year. They both started experimenting with more dishes when they started cooking for each other. Big even found a few international cookbooks on his day off and brought them back. They would make breakfast for each other every morning, but dinner was only able to happen a couple of times a week due to scheduling. It made those meals more special though. They would take turns planning the meal by picking a country, looking through the books, and finding a recipe representing the country chosen. They would sometimes do it randomly, but it was planned on Thursday and Sunday nights. When they both returned to light duty, Chan made sure they were off at the same time and neither of them ever deviated from those plans. If Porsche, Arm, and Pol invited him out one of those nights, Big always declined. Hum Bar only happened after work on other days or when he was technically working an evening shift with Kinn.

It was one of the things he missed the most when he left. They would still cook for each other when Big spent the night or they spent the evening together, but it wasn't a consistent or planned thing. This feels closer to before. Big prepping the plates, Chan making fresh juice. It's so simple and domestic, yet is also a rebellion of sorts. The other guards don't get to do this. Only they have this bubble that provides a barrier between them and the rest of the world.

And Chan apparently wants to stay in it.

“I want to call off,” Chan says, wrapping his arms around Big’s middle from behind before pressing a kiss to his shoulder, “You don't even have to call off, not when I can just take you off the schedule.”

Big leans back against Chan briefly, tilting his head back for a kiss before focusing on the food, “Khun Korn essentially gave you two days of light duty. What will your excuse be?”

“Dread and premature grief.”

“You just said in the shower that you hope your father dies before Sunday so you can just go for the arrangements and funeral, then come back.”

“Fine,” Chan says, “I can tell Korn I need to pack.”

“You told me he's giving you Friday and Saturday off to relax and pack,” Big says, then turns off the burner to wrap his arms around Chan’s shoulders, “So what’s the real reason?”

Chan gives him a once over and says nothing.

“Oh,” Big says, feeling that strange, nervous excitement fill him again, “The shower make-out session wasn't enough?”

Again, Chan doesn't answer and instead leans forward to kiss Big’s neck. Instead of reminding Chan that they really don't have time to do this right now, Big kisses him deeply. Maybe it's because he can't quite believe this, that Chan wants this - wants him. He never thought Chan wanted him, not like this. Maybe as someone on his team or even as a close friend, but Big figured that was all that would transpire. He hadn't been completely ignorant though. He has been relatively sure about being Chan’s favorite for a while, even before he got injured and they moved in together. It may have been drilled into him by comments from the other guards, but he figured it out.

Although, he never expected they would do things like this - even during the year they lived together.

Why didn't Big say something when they lived together? Why did Big move out to begin with? He's so incredibly stupid.

But both of them not showing up for their shifts will get people talking. Preventing that is why Big moved out, he remembers that now. He is too selfish to stop this. He wants to be with Chan in whatever capacity Chan will allow. But he also knows it is best to not raise suspicions more than they already have, especially with Chan leaving at the end of the week.

“Your food is going to get cold,” Big murmurs against his lips, “And your shift is starting soon. I don't want you to get a talk from Khun Korn. You hate those, and you have gotten more of them since the attack. You have to stop butting heads with him.”

“It's his way of showing he cares,” Chan says, his lips moving to Big’s jaw, “We aren't butting heads.”

“Fine. You're butting your head,” Big says, correcting himself, “And Korn puts up with it due to your extremely high level of competency, some level of familial affection, and guilt. You also never call off. Ever.”

“Fine, but I seriously doubt it is from familial affection and guilt-”

“P’Chan.”

“Hmm?”

Big twists in Chan’s hold enough to grab a fork and stab one of the potatoes from the skillet before holding it to Chan’s mouth. Chan obediently takes a bite.

“It's good. What did you season them with?”

“Rosemary, cayenne, salt, and black pepper,” Big says to him, “I worked hard making this, just for you. It's the hardest I will likely work all day, considering what shift you put me on.”

Chan’s expression becomes more serious at that, “I put you on it for a reason.”

Big rolls his eyes, “I’m aware-”

“It isn't because I don't think you can take care of yourself,” Chan continues, because he clearly isn't finished, “But there is no need for what happened yesterday to happen again.”

“It really isn't a big deal.”

“It is,” Chan counters.

“It's not.”

Chan cups each side of his face and brings him a little closer, “It is. If that fucker comes to the armory, come get me. Or threaten him with one of the many weapons that will be at your disposal. Your decision.”

Big gives Chan a kiss, “I seriously doubt Khun Korn will approve of either option.”

“I don't care.”

“I can see that,” Big observes, “But you still need to work your shift with him. You are the best at being civil with people you aren't happy with. I'm not going to strain that. If Khun Chatri comes by-”

“Keep your distance, tell him to keep his hands to himself, and immediately report to me.”

Big is clearly not going to change Chan’s outlook, so he isn't even going to try again. Hopefully, it isn't an issue at all.

“Eat,” Big says instead, scooping some potatoes on each plate, “You are fixating on an issue that may not even happen. I know you have conditioned yourself to prepare for the worst, but I will be fine. You took steps to make sure I will be fine.”

Chan doesn't seem fully reassured or satisfied, but he lets it go for now and takes his plate. Although, Big likely only has himself to blame for that. He is the one who complained about the shift to begin with. The subject is dropped and they talk about random topics until their meals are almost finished.

“You still want to go out tonight?” Big asks once Chan picks up their plates.

“I assumed we would,” Chan says, “Do you have any requests? Restaurants, things to do?”

Big shrugs, “I'm open. It doesn't have to be fancy or over the top.”

“An upscale dinner cruise. Got it.”

Big snorts, “Whatever. Just let me know what to wear.”

Chan comes back over to the table, then bends over to kiss Big's temple, “If Korn isn't too demanding of my presence, I’ll come to the armory for lunch.”

Lunch feels too far away. Suddenly, Chan’s previous desire to call off so they could just stay in the suite together makes so much sense, all while work doesn't. Big has a strong desire to cling to him. He doesn't even need sex. He just wants Chan to hold him. The thing is, Big has a feeling that Chan would do that for him. He literally offered to call off and to take Big off the schedule.

But he doesn't want to be the reason things become more strained between Chan and Korn. So instead, he just tilts his head upwards for a goodbye kiss. Chan takes the hint and kisses him on the lips.

[ae-azile]

Preview of my (currently) untitled ChanBig one-shot

The next few days are a blur. Sometimes Big hears voices around him. Other times, he remembers talking but he can’t remember anything that he said. So in hindsight, he doesn't know if he actually spoke or if it was a dream. He doesn't really know what is happening around him. Sometimes he feels a hand clutching his hand, and sometimes he feels a hand on his head. Occasionally, he hears people speaking in Korean and he has no idea why. But more often than not, he hears someone reading to him in English. 

He could swear that it's Twilight. Why is someone reading Twilight? That is…incredibly strange. But it also reminds him of Pa. Pa struggled with learning English. He could speak Mandarin and Khmer easily, but English was harder for him while Big had been soaking it up like a sponge. He had also been an avid reader at the time, just like Pa, so they went to a bookstore to find some books in English to read together. Big can honestly say he did not like Twilight. He couldn't connect with any of the main characters, and he couldn't see the worldwide appeal. But Pa found it easier to read and comprehend than the other books they had gotten that day, so they continued with the series. While Big feels no appreciation for the book, he feels an affection for it that is hard to explain. 

Is Pa reading to him? What about Poy? Is she around too? She might have actually liked the books if she had lived long enough to read them. 

“Pa?” Big manages to get out. The reciting of the book stops and other words follow, but Big can't make them out. He goes back to sleep. 

Or back to whatever he has been doing. He will try to figure this out later, when he's feeling better. Right now, he can barely open his eyes. He sleeps for what feels like thirty minutes or so until feeling awake enough to open his eyes and squint in the dimly lit room. 

As he forces himself to sit up, he wishes someone were here. Anyone, really. It's been a weird day. He's definitely in pain, but that makes sense. He got shot. He knows he got shot earlier. Going by the lighting outside, it probably happened yesterday. He doesn't feel like he has been sleeping since yesterday, but that must be the case-” 

“Shit, Big!” 

Big turns his head and sees Pol rushing over. He's putting a steaming coffee cup down and his hands are hovering over him like he doesn't know what to do before he gently guides them on Big’s shoulders and gently guides him downwards. 

“Chan said you might talk and not be lucid, but I didn't expect you to sit up. Fuck. If you hurt yourself more, Chan is going to kill me-” 

“What happened?” Big asks. His voice feels hoarse, “How bad is it?” 

Pol pauses and slowly lowers himself in the seat next to his bed, “That sounds shockingly lucid. The only other time you talked around me was when I came down to offer Chan dinner. You asked him to take you to an animal shelter so you could adopt a puppy and immediately fell back asleep.”

Big really doesn't believe that happened. Ma never let him get a dog, even after the divorce, and Pa’s apartment building didn't allow them. He doubts Chan would let him have a dog. 

“Can I still walk?” Big asks. He probably shouldn't get a dog if he can't walk them. 

Pol lets out a breath, “I would assume, even though everyone thought you were a goner for a while. Can you feel your legs?” 

Big lifts his head just enough to look down at his legs. When he successfully wiggles his toes, he decides to swing a leg over to stand up. He's fine. He needs to get back to work.

“Stop!” Pol groans, rushing to the other side of the bed to lift Big’s leg back up before placing it on the mattress, “It was serious, man! Arm and Chan couldn't feel your pulse! It was only detected once you got in the ambulance! You have had blood transfusions, multiple surgeries, and an organ removed! You're on bed rest!” 

Big finds that he has enough energy to speak again, “So I am on Kim’s team until I'm cleared again?” 

“I didn't say light duty. I said bed rest. You are getting a fully paid opportunity to rest and heal. Take advantage of it by doing just that.”

That sounds awful. 

“Is Kinn okay?” Big asks, “Porsche?” 

Pol meets his eyes and nods his head, “They're both safe, and they’ll both be happy you're awake. Chan has been staying with you the most, but both of them have visited several times so they could sit with you. Both were really upset that this happened. Everyone is. You could have died. You had a lot of people nervous and upset for the last week-” 

“I was shot yesterday,” Big informs him. Even that feels like a stretch. 

But Pol just raises his eyebrows, walks over to the infirmary suite phone, and picks it up. 

“Sorry to bother you, sir. I know Khun Korn has you working on some things. But I figured you would want to know that Big is awake…He's a little confused, but he seems lucid. He has asked about his injuries, his employment status, and about Kinn and Porsche. He is still awake and looking at me, and-”

As Pol cuts himself off, seeming slightly alarmed, Big wishes he could hear the other side of the conversation. Chan is smart and level-headed. He keeps everything and everyone in line. He would give Big straight answers about this. Pol is comforting, but he is also anxious. There is a reason he is assigned to Tankhun. Other than Arm and Pete, he understands Tankhun in a way most of them have barely tried. On top of that, Kinn, Korn, and Chan keep Pol with Tankhun because he is good at comforting and caring for people. While Big can only overhear half of the conversation, that is proven when Pol’s tone softens. 

“...It's alright, sir. It was a close call. We didn't expect him to pull through for a while. It’s okay to get emotional over him feeling…Forget I said that, sir. I was referring to myself…Of course…I haven't told the medical staff yet, but I will ring them in…Yes, sir. I will let Big know you are on your way too.” 

Big watches silently as Pol hangs up the phone and comes back over to sit in the chair. 

“Chan will be down shortly,” Pol says, “He would have been down within a few hours anyway. He's been sleeping on the couch.” 

“Why?” Big asks. Chan has a bed in the building. It makes no sense. 

But Pol lets out a huff, “You had him scared. He just burst into tears on the phone.” 

Big narrows his eyes in suspicion, “He did not.” 

“Did too. Heard it myself,” Pol says, “Caught him looking teary a few other times, but this time it was impossible for him to hide, even over the phone. I don't know why he still tried to deny it. It's a valid reason to cry, especially considering you’ve always been his favorite by far.” 

Big doesn’t think that's true, although it is far from the first time he has heard the claim. Big being Chan’s favorite has been a running gag that he is more privy to than most are probably aware of, likely because his roommate is the one who tends to the rumor. But that's just Ken. But Ken does the same with the joke of Arm being Tankhun's spa princess. It sounds silly, but Arm has had more spa permission slips granted to him by Tankhun than the other staff have gotten combined. Ken has a tendency to pay attention to that kind of stuff. 

“Just try to relax, okay?” Pol says, reaching over to press a button, “Everyone wants you to keep getting better. You are probably in the clear. Let's keep it that way.” 

[ae-azile]

Chapter 4 of A Familiar Road to the Unknown is now up!

Chapter Word Count: close to 8,370

Chapter Summary: After Big talks with Kinn, he is left longing for the presence of someone completely different. Chan becomes increasingly aware of Big's influence over him.

[ae-azile]

Trying to decide whether to switch to Chan's POV for chapter 3 of A Familiar Road to the Unknown. The first two have been from Big and part of me wants to cover his in the beginning, but I feel like seeing Chan's perspective as he deals with Korn, Kinn, Khun, and a still drugged up Big (all while trying to push down his feelings for Big and failing) would be interesting to see. I also plan on them becoming a lot closer during chapters 3 and 4, so I could do Big's POV for 1 and 2, Chan's for 3 and 4, and both POVs for 5.

Decisions...

[ae-azile]

Chapter 3 of Gossip After Death is up now!

Chapter Summary: Porsche has a conversation with Vegas that is less productive than he wants it to be, only to return to the compound and make a new best friend.