#cause this is like. the first time ive gone out of my way to listen to a vocaloid song

[radlegowaffle]

heaven help her

[vrystalius]

hi! Ive been reading ur fics for a while and i love them sm and hope ur enjoying ur break!

I was wondering if u could write about giyuu apologizing after an arguement?

once again i absolutely love ur fics lol 💗

Apologies

Giyuu apologising after an argument— how does he do it?

Pairing: married!Giyuu x gn!married!reader

“Why can’t you just talk to me? I feel like I’m the only one trying here!”

You immediately regretted those words the second they left your mouth. Washing out your mouth with soap won’t wash that expression of your husband from your face, him staring at you in both disbelief and deep guilt. Giyuu knows that he can come off as cold or even uncaring, even to you. It’s never intentional but rather a terrible habit he seemingly can’t get rid off and it keeps forcing him to push people away from him. That’s why it may seem he doesn’t try hard enough to express his thoughts, his feelings.

Despite knowing that you will be understanding and listen to his worries, hold him while you kiss his face until he finally smiles again, all those fears and thoughts that dwell on horrific events he experiences on a daily gone in mere seconds.

So, who should apologise first? Giyuu, or you?

Since your husband left your house after the argument, probably wanting to take a walk or get some fresh air, you had time to think about what to do to apologise to him. Directly talking to him might scare him off and result into him being too intimidated to answer or scurry off to hide somewhere else to avoid you altogether. A letter could work, right?

Composing and thinking about every word, every sentence helped you sort your thoughts out and properly speak about the argument from your perspective while also staying respectful to his own view of the issues. You just hoped that your crow was awake to deliver a letter to your husband. If not, you’ll leave it in your bedroom for your husband to find and read quietly while you waited on him somewhere else.

But before you could prepare a method for Giyuu receiving your letter, Kanzaburo, your husband’s elderly crow, weakly called out to you and ruffled his feathers while resting on your windowsill. A letter was secured around his neck. Gently, you took the bird and put it to rest on your lap, giving him well-deserved scratches while gently unravelling the letter from his neck. It was written by Giyuu, obviously, but before you could read, the door to the room opened and your husband stood in the doorframe, staring down at you in surprise. He eyed you, then the letter in your hands.

“Have you.. read it?”

“No, Kanzaburo just delivered it.”

“Ah.”

You could see the gears shifting inside his mind. He probably overestimated the senior crow and thought the letter would be delivered faster. You scratched the crows head and glanced back to the paper in your hand.

“Should I read it? Or do you want to say everything you wrote down to me personally?”

Giyuu silently averted his eyes, his shoulders sagging and a small frown spreading on his face. He was avoiding to look into your eyes.

“No. I’ll be in the bedroom.”

You watched your husband slowly close the door, leaving you alone with his elder companion. While the crow was contently preparing to nap on your lap, you opened the letter.

˚✧₊⁎⁺˳༚

My dearest,

I am sorry. I know I’ve caused arguments again and again because of my silence and my behaviour over all. You feel like you’re the only one trying in this relationship and I’m sorry for that. I thought that if I stayed silent it would be easier for the both of us but that is clearly not the case. I should’ve realised much sooner, but instead I am only doing it now.

I am just too scared to scare you off with my problems and issues since you have your own, just like everyone else does. You are important to me so you always are my priority. My thoughts and feelings can wait, so I stay quiet.

You deserve better than the way I am treating you, you deserve so, so much better. You’ve been patient with me, you stayed with me for so long, through good and bad times. I don’t deserve your love.

I want to do better and I will. Please have a little more patience with me. Please.

I love you, I am sorry that I haven’t said it enough times. I am sorry if you don’t believe me.

Yours forever,

Tomioka Giyuu.

˚✧₊⁎⁺˳༚

💠

Thank you so much for requesting!! I’ve been seeing you interact with my posts pretty often so thank you for all your love and support <33 I’ll happily write more requests for you in the future if you liked this one!

Also, I haven’t forgot about Kyojuro’s thighs request :,) I started writing it and it’s halfway finished— my NSFW meter just ran out and I started writing this instead XD

Anyways, make sure to EAT, SLEEP and DRINK enough!!

Take care of yourselves, physically and mentally <3

[ajax0x]

Linked through pain

Tw: light violence, self harm, implied abuse, murder/assasination + first ever fanfic ive made public

Childe x g/n reader

might countine the story if this goes well!!

Fanfic under the cut!!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ajax was 6 years old when he first found out about soulmates.

He remembers asking his parents why they had matching marks on their skin, and he remembers the way his mother smiled and crouched down to be on eye level with him as she explained.

"Every person has a soulmate, and every person is linked with their soulmate in a different way. Me and your father had a matching mark on our skin, my dear"

Listening to his mothers words made him curious, and he remembers asking one thing and one thing only.

"How will i know in what way me and my soulmate are linked?"

His mother only smiled in response.

"One day, you will just know"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

He was 9 years old when he woke up screaming.

Everything hurt, his entire body felt like it was on fire. His mother and father rushed into his room in a panic, worried for their son. His screaming had been so loud, he woke up his younger siblings. His mother was the first at his side, frantically asking him what happend and checking over his body for any signs of visible injuries.

When she found none, she simply hugged her son and rocked him back and forth until the screaming stopped. Once ajax was able to talk again, he tearfully told his parents that he had just woken up in horrible pain, and that was when they knew something was wrong.

His parents never said it out loud, but ajax knew they were worried. Worried, not for him, but for his soulmate.

That was the night ajax found out that he could feel his soulmates pain, and they could feel his.

That night was only the first, as ajax started waking up in horrible pain regulary.

After the first time it happend, ajax promised himself that one day, when he was older and stronger, he would find his soulmate.

And he would protect them so no one could hurt them like that ever again.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

He was 14 when he went missing for 3 days.

He was gone for 3 days, and once he came back, he was never quite the same.

He had gained a sudden bloodlust, and went from this soft, gentle young boy to this..

Monster.

Nobody said it to him, but he knew they were all thinking it.

Ajax started getting into fights with the other kids, beating them bloody, and yet it was never enough.

He had a thirst for more, and his parents couldnt give him that.

Once his parents couldnt handle him anymore, feeling like he had become a danger to everyone around him, they took the only option they had left.

He was 14 when he was sent off to the fatui.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Military life suited him.

He did exceptionally well in combat, and rarely got into trouble.

Sometimes, his family would write to him, and he would always be happy to write back.

Ajax pushed himself to his limits and beyond on the battlefield, often times ending up with a broken bone or two after a fight, and his soulmate no doubt felt all of it.

Ajax was the cause of most of their shared pain these days, and he felt kind of bad because of it, but he just couldnt stop himself from testing his limits.

He just hoped they would forgive him for it one day.

They were still getting hurt too, but it wasnt as bad as it used to be, and ajax no longer woke up screaming in pain each night.

Everything was going just fine.

Until it wasnt.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ajax was 16 when it happend.

He had woken up in pain once again, but this time, it was different. His screams had been loud enough to wake the dead, and when someone came to check on him, they found him frantically clawing at his arms and wrists.

A few fatui soldiers attempted to pin him onto the floor, but when he couldnt scratch at his own skin anymore, he would scratch at anything and everything else. He kept saying the same thing over and over again, but among his screaming, nobody could figure out what he was trying to say.

And when they couldnt calm him down, they knocked him unconscious instead.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When ajax woke up again, he couldnt remember much of what happend, but he remembered the pain.

His soulmates pain.

He had felt his soulmates pain before, but this time it was different. It wasnt like any of the other times, it wasnt like the shared pain he had felt as a child, it was like hell itself. His entire body felt like it had just gone through the worst kind of torture imaginable, and he wondered

"What kind of person can endure such pain?"

For ajax, that was the worst night of his life.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

They called it, 'the incident', and it had managed to catch a certain harbingers attention.

Pulcinella was a very reasonable man, and he saw potential in ajax. Potential for something more than just a fatui soldier.

It was his call that would forever change ajax's life, for better or worse.

He was 17 when he was awarded his harbinger titel.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ajax went by childe these days, and with his new position as a fatui harbinger, thoughts of his soulmate faded into the back of his mind.

He never stopped wishing he could meet them one day, to protect them from harm and be there for them, to grow old with them and start a family one day, but his work simply didnt allow him enough freetime to activly look for them.

'The incident' was the last time he woke up screaming in pain, and he could only hope it would stay as the last time forever.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Childe stared at the busy streets of liyue through a window, waiting for the sun to set. Because when the sun set, all was fair game, and there would be no innocent people on the streets to get into the middle of what would go down tonight.

He didnt normally partake in debt collections, but he had been feeling especially bloodthirsty lately, and who was he to pass up on such a opportunity?

It was practically handed to him on a silver platter, after all.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Through the now empty streets of liyue ran a young man, no older than 25. He had been running for what seemed like hours, trying to escape the unescapable, turning and jumping at every sound in the dark.

He was running like he was a mouse being chased by a owl, and in a way, he was. Just a prey being chased by a predator, praying to any god willing to listen to safe him from his ultimate demise.

It seemed the gods had answered his prayers, as the next moment he spotted a person walking near the harbor, looking no older than 19. He reconsidered his options for a moment, but he soon heard the laughter of the person he had been running from all this time, and with that his choice was made.

The young man grabbed the person by their hair, slapping his hand over their mouth and pulling them infront of him as a human shield. He didnt care if they got injured, as long as he could save himself.

A laugh came from the darkness as the person struggled against the mans grip.

"Do you really think a human shield will save you?"

Childes voice echoed throughout the empty streets of liyue. Footsteps could be heard coming closer, and it only caused the man to start panicking more, pulling on the hair of the person he had snatched.

"Boo"

Childe had always had a talent for sneaking up on people, and as the arrow of his bow hit the back of the mans head, he thought of it as pretty useful.

The mans body dropped limp to the ground, the arrow having pierced through his head, coming out on the other side and making for a nearly instant death. The person he had attempted to use as a human shield was still standing where he had held them, most likely paralyzed from shock, though visibly shacking. Childe almost felt bad for them, almost.

"Go, im not here for you"

That was all he needed to say, as the next moment, they had already started running as far away from the scene as possible. Childe watched them run, knowing his job here was done.

Atleast, thats what he thought.

Just as childe was about to turn around and leave the scene, he watched the person who was still running trip and fall flat onto their face, though they quickly got up again to keep running from the scene. He thought nothing of it at first, ready to leave aswell, until..

He felt a sharp pain on his face, like he had just fallen flat on it.

[d3k4z-bl00d]

"ive always hated you."

Pairing

König x gn reader (male leaning)

Warnings

violence, no detailed gore, König hates reader, reader hates König, König is an asshole, suggestive at the end (?), I lost motivation half way, this is based of a bot, is this an outlet for my own rage against him? yes.

Summary

You two hate each other, now your in a locker. Together.

The moment you stepped foot into Kortac, is the moment you hated despised könig. He was so cocky for no reason. Always finding out something wrong in your stance, seeing to the millimeter how much you missed the target, how your plan you spent days on would fail miserably, etc. It's not like you could teach him a lesson, he's your colonel afterall.

It didn't help how you captain didn't take your countless fights seriously. Thinking it's some common bittering. If bittering was wanting to stab him, he would be correct.

Horangi found it funny how you two hated each other so much for basically no reason. Always side eyeing each other, an accidental nudge turning into a fight scene until someone (multiple people) pulled you off each other, choosing ech other to spar just to show how much they could hurt them, etc.

Kreuger found it funny at first, then it just became annoying how you guys would yell at each other on missions, almost costing their lives. Him and hutch had gone to the captain countless times. Just being met with a chuckle and "they'll fight it out one day"

Nikto found it annoying at day one. He agreed with both of you and found both of you annoying. He didn't care at all for anyone. He half listened when kreuger ranted about you two.

That's until captain himself had enough and sent both of you on a small misson together in hopes you two can work together for once. When you both found out, you two's defenses on why not to go fell on deaf ears. For once you two agree on something atleast.

You two didn't uther a word to each other the whole ride. Just staring with loath. When you arrived at the location. You both hopped out. The misson was simple, enter building, kill some guards, take Intel and leave.

Easy right? Yeah..

You were first. You plunged you knife into the guards throat. The corpse dropped to the ground as you snatched the keys. You motioned könig to come. You whispered something under your breath. "Hm?" The Austrian giant hummed. "Nothing." You said back stoic, not wanting to cause a fight now. You two proceeded. Until someone got away (definitely königs fault). They alerted the rest as a alarm rang through the building. You make a run for it, intending to leave König behind. But just like everytime, he ruins that. He caught up to you and pushed you into a locker with quick thinking. He also cramped himself in there. "Smart ass plan, big gu-" you got cut off by a hand covering your face (literally). Your two hands held his on your face as you looked up unamused. He brought to pointer finger to his mouth, a sign for you to shut up. As if you can talk. The sounds on tens of footsteps sound. When the sound was right infront of your locker, it stopped and decreased again. König took his hands off your face. "Fuck you." You said as he did. "Shut up, just because their gone doesn't mean you should be your loud ass self." He said quietly with his stupid Austrian accent. You were about to say something, yet you realized you promised yourself you wouldn't argue with him on this misson. You just nodded resentfully. Staying quiet.

After what felt like 5 minutes of being pressed to each other in awkward silence. You talked again, "when are we getting out?" "When I want too." The annoying voice you heard to much today echoed in the locker. You grunted and tried to move. Before könig grabbed your hips to stop you. "Stop moving.." He grunted. You were confused and tried to get out his grip, causing him to grip you tighter and press you more against the locker wall, if it was even possible. You pressed himself against the other wall. Still holding you, you too were still touching. "If you were just.. smaller.. this would have been way easier." You sighed, giving up on typing to escape. "You think I don't know that?" His hateful voice gave his answer. You sighed. This was going to be a long misson..

TY FOR READING! IF U HAVE A REQUEST OR ASK CHECK MY INTRODUCTION AND GO TOR IT! I DONT JUDGE 🩷🩷

taglist: @ridicheajohn

[paintyoureyeswithavividmind]

close to home | chapter sixty eight

close to home | chapter sixty eight

plot: the reader wakes up with new scars

series masterlist

Pairing: Eventual Daryl Dixon x f!reader Word Count: 2,084 Warnings: violence, blood, typical twd, torture, character deaths A/N: thank you for reading!! not my best chapter but oh well also. I think I need to get a second job my student loans are brutal and everything is so expensive are any of my readers looking for a sugar baby lol

The agony that Daryl felt when you got shot was child's play compared to carrying your body all the way to the Kingdom. He couldn’t tell if you were dead or not, and he struggled to keep himself together long enough to get you back. 

As soon as he got you into the infirmary, Adam got to work. 

“She’s pregnant,” Daryl nearly yelled. “Ya gotta check the baby first. If it’s gone, you get it out of her right now, ya understand me!” 

The doctor went to work hooking up an old ultrasound machine while Siddiq, who was struggling to walk, started cleaning up your face. Daryl could hardly stomach looking at you as he paced back and forth in anger and worry. 

“Let’s go!” Daryl yelled. 

“I got it…” Adam said. 

Daryl paused and listened to a faint heartbeat. His stomach dropped to his feet. “Is that…”

“That’s the baby. We need to get her on an IV right now,” Adam said. 

“What about her face? Her arms? Those cuts!”

“I can’t do everything at once!” Adam yelled. “Grab wipes and pick a spot. She needs an IV and antibiotics immediately if she and the baby are going to live.”

That shut Daryl up, and he went to the sink to wash your blood off his hands and take off his ring. Then he walked over to Siddiq. “Tell me what to do.”

***

Two days later, your eyes opened. As soon as they did, the pain came flooding in, and so did panic. You wrapped your arm around your stomach and couldn’t get enough air in all of a sudden. You felt like you were about to scream, but your throat hurt, and you couldn’t find your voice.

“Hey, hey,” Daryl was by your side, grabbing your arms. “Ya okay, ya okay. Ya safe. We’re at the Kingdom.”

You shook your head. “They’re here. She’s here. They took us.” Your voice was soft, and you could hear the strain on it. “She took us, they killed them. They killed them.”

“I know, I know. Ya need to breathe, baby girl. Take a breath.”

“My baby, did I lose my baby?” You cried. “Tell me the baby is alive.”

“The baby is alive,” Daryl said, trying to stop you from shaking. “Ya need to calm down. The baby is okay. She made it.”

“She?” You stilled and looked at him. 

“It’s a girl.”

Tears filled your eyes, and you looked down as you cried. “I thought I lost her. I thought I lost another one.”

Daryl’s heart broke, and he moved to sit behind you in the bed. Then he brought you down so he could wrap his arms around you. “No, baby girl, she’s okay. Ya kept her safe. Ya did so good.”

In a desperate move to feel safer, you grabbed his hands and sent them on your belly. You immediately felt safer, and you tried to relax onto his chest. You were still breathing heavily as your mind whirled and your body ached.

You were shaking uncontrollably, and you kept closing your eyes to blink out the memories of the last time you were awake. The screaming, the fighting, it kept replaying in your head over and over again. 

“Ya okay,” Daryl whispered from behind you. “Ya safe. I got ya.”

You blinked back tears and grabbed the blanket, pulling it around you so you felt more protected. You felt protected with his arms around you and his hands still on your belly. Your baby felt protected. 

“I’m safe,” You whispered to yourself.

“Safe,” He repeated and kissed your temple. “Ya gonna be safe always ‘cause ya ain’t ever leavin’ my side again.”

You nodded and pulled the blankets under your chin. “Never.”

“‘M so sorry,” He kissed your temple. “‘S all my fault. I shoulda stayed like ya asked.”

You shook your head. “She would’ve killed you. She wanted to. She wanted to kill me to hurt you.”

“What?”

Your hands started shaking again as her words kept replying in your head. “She wanted to teach you a lesson cause of Lydia. She was watching me in my room. She saw me. She said she couldn’t kill me ‘cause of the baby. But she could hurt me.” 

“Okay, okay. Ya don’ gotta talk ‘bout it right now.” 

“I tried,” You started to cry. “I tried to fight them. I tried to help protect our friends. Tara… Enid… Frankie… Henry,” You cried harder, and he went to pull you closer, but you started freaking out and moved his hands back.

“Ya did what ya could’ve. Ain’ ya fault. Ya almost died with ‘em.”

“I should’ve.”

“Don’ say that.”

You closed your eyes and gripped the blanket. “They died fighting. I was fighting. But I didn’t die, and they did. Oh God, Tara..” You cried harder. She’d been with you for so long. You couldn’t help but think about when you went off with the group to D.C. and how Tara was with you. She reminded you so much of yourself, and now she was gone. Everyone was gone. Everyone from that tiny little group was dead or gone. Glenn, Abraham, Maggie, and now Tara. You, Rosita, and Eugene were all that was left. 

Daryl sat up and hooked one of his arms around your legs to bring you onto his lap. You wrapped your arms around his neck, and he set his hand against your belly again. 

“I know, I know,” He soothed you. “Ya almost died. Our… our baby almost died. Ya did enough.”

You laid your head against his chest as exhaustion hit you. “I’m so tired… stay with me, okay? Don’t leave.”

“I won’.”

You set a hand on top of his. “And don’t move your hand. You gotta protect her while I sleep…” You mumbled, and then you were out. 

***

Daryl’s legs were asleep, and his arm was getting numb, too. But you were asleep in his arms, and he couldn’t move without waking you. And he didn’t want that.

He had to look away from you every few minutes in order to calm himself down. Anger, guilt, and regret filled him each time he saw the bandage over your broken nose, busted lip, and black and blue eyes. The thick white bandages wrapped around your upper arms and forearms reminded him of what you’d endured. 

And then his hand, still resting on your belly; it was worst of all. He wanted to kick himself in the ass for not noticing it earlier. Not that you were showing when you were dressed, and he hadn’t seen you undressed with everything going on in a while. But still. How could he not have noticed his own wife was pregnant?

Daryl kept thinking about when he was with the woman that called herself Alpha. When she showed him the herd she controlled. If he’d known, if he’d known about what she did to you, he would’ve killed her right then and there. He would’ve taken out every last one of them if it meant this didn’t happen to you. 

Torture. 

God, it made him sick just thinking about it. He desperately wanted to know everything that happened in that barn. Everything they did to you, so he could do it to them. 

Daryl glanced down at your sleeping face and then at your stomach, and he gently pulled your shirt up. The bump wasn’t very big at all. Half of it was underneath a layer of bandages, and he gently rubbed his hand against it. 

A girl. A daughter. He was going to be a father. 

***

You woke up a few hours later to the door opening. Half your body was lying on top of Daryl’s, who jolted awake at the sudden noise. 

But it was only Adam, who seemed surprised. “I’m sorry, I just came in to do a check-up.”

“It’s fine.” You muttered, wincing as you sat up. Everything was still sore and still hurt. 

Adam worked quietly to get the machine up and running while Daryl got off the bed and helped you lie back. He stood by your head with his hand in yours while Adam started the ultrasound. You could hear the baby’s steady heartbeat and sighed with relief. Even though Daryl told you she was fine, it was good to hear it yourself. 

“I think we’re through the worst for her,” Adam said. “I know you’re in a lot of pain, but nothing was life-threatening. Keep your wounds clean and wrapped. Your nose should heal in about three weeks or so. I’ll happily do as many ultrasounds as you want, but I think you can move back into your room.”

“Ya sure?”

Adam nodded. “Positive. She needs rest, water, and food. But like I said, you can come see me whenever you want. You can take the wheelchair for a couple days if you want while you get your energy back up. This way, you can get some fresh air.”

When the door closed behind Adam, Daryl helped you sit up. “You wanna go rest in your bed?”

You shook your head. “I’m really, really hungry. Can we go to the dining hall?”

“‘Course,” Daryl said.

Your husband helped you into the chair and then took the blanket from the bed to keep you warm. He then wheeled you out of the infirmary and into the cold air. But it felt good. It smelt good and made you feel like you were a person again. 

Dog started barking immediately and ran up to you, pushing his nose into your hand. You smiled and gave him a few pets behind the ear. 

“He likes ya better than me,” Daryl grunted. 

***

To your surprise, most of your family was already at the dining hall. Michonne was there with Judith, Rosita, and Gabriel were there, and so were the newcomers. You smiled immediately when you saw your family. 

Rosita nearly gasped when she saw you, which got everyone else's attention as Daryl pushed you to the table. He told you that he was going to get you food. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Are you in a lot of pain?”

Multiples of that question were thrown your way, and you leaned back against the chair to answer everyone. “I am okay. The baby is okay. And not to brag, but you guys, I held up pretty well under torture.”

“Of course,” Rosita rolled her eyes at your joke. “Seriously, are you okay? The baby.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,” Michonne said. 

“Seriously, me and the baby are fine. I promise. And I’m sorry, Michonne, I was going to.”

“I knew she was,” Judith smiled at you. “I was the first one!”

“How did she know and not me?” Michonne asked, which made everyone laugh.

By then, Daryl was back with food, and you thanked him before digging in. You were utterly starving after sleeping the past few days and needed to start eating for two now. Thinking of two, as well.

“Congratulations, Daryl,” Gabriel said. “I’m happy for you two.”

He nodded as he ate, and you, Michonne, and Rosita carried most of the conversation. They filled you in on what has been happening, funeral preparations for those you lost--though they’d most likely be carried out at the respective communities. That, of course, broke your heart. 

The topic moved on to something else as you finished eating, but it felt good to be around your friends that you just sat and listened. You reached under the table to grab Daryl’s hand, and you smiled sadly at him when he looked at you.

Connie tapped on your shoulder, and you looked at her, watching her hands as she signed. But she was moving too fast, and you had to ask her to slow down. 

I just wanted to say congrats on your pregnancy, and I’m so sorry for what happened to you, she signed. 

The two of you continued your conversation, you having to spell out a decent amount of words, but it was nice. But unfortunately, the night ended, and you were falling asleep in the chair. Everyone from Alexandria will be leaving tomorrow, aside from you and Daryl. You’d be staying a few more days before going home. So you said goodbye to everyone and got a big hug from Judith before Daryl took you back to your room.

[rindough]

for the song thingy !! ive had i will from mitski on repeat for a couple of days and my brain cant help but think about blade w it... especially the first verse 🤕

hello anon!! n this song is so... calm? its smth i would listen to in the morning, which is why i pair mornings with blade after nights where he has his moments, or mornings when he suddenly feels like a weight being pushed onto him, causing him to stir and stir, flopping left and right in bed.

the problem with blade is that he is GOOD at being silent at night, if he has a hard time falling asleep, best believe he uses his capabilities to the max and silently uses his phone by your side as you sleep, unknowing your lover is still wide awake at the ungodly hours. sometimes when you do catch him being wide awake, staring at the ceiling or curled up into a ball with a phone in his hand, mindlessly scrolling through reels or whatever article, you'd pull him close into your embrace, which he gladly indulges, but he doesnt blame how slumber could easily sweep you off your feet into dream land.

if only he could stay asleep at this time like you.

perhaps he had his coffee at an inappropriate time, or he has his moments when nightmares and trauma haunts him. which brings him to now, where he blinks at the ray of sunlight that beams happily onto his face. how long has he been asleep for? probably less than a single hand of his.

"morning bladie," he grunts at your direction, seeing you walking around the room to pick your phone up before coming to his side, flopping beside this lump of comforter as he feels your two limps pull him into your warmth. "sorry i can't stay up with you last night."

he hums, not with any ill intention but simply cuz he was tired. he knows how hard you've tried form the way you try to fight your heavy eyelids last night.

"enough sleep?" he smiles at the smile giggle that leaves your lips when he wraps his comforter around you, engulfing you in his 'big' hug.

"i dont know. maybe?"

"then we'll stay in today," you look up at him, grinning before pecking the bottom of his chin. you stood up.

"come," you put a hand out which he gladly takes. once out of the room, he's just... he's just surrounded by LOVE, like it's in the air, in your body language, in your words, your shared house. the smell of tea, the smell of toast and breakfast pulls him out of his misery a little. bringing him into the present when he stares at the sunlit counter top. he slowly sits down, watching your back as you begin stirring a cup that he knows will be his to drink soon. and when you turn to meet him with eyes that know too well on his surroundings and his experiences, to observe the features on a face he longs and adores daily, on a face he has seen gone through so many emotions in your time together, both as work companions and lovers. he feels his heart grow heavy, both in guilt and from warmth, from this thing called 'love'.

you scoff, growing a little self conscious given how long he's been studying your face. "what?"

"thank you." blade utters, a hand coming up to rub his knuckles along the skin of your cheek. the way your lips easily mellow into a smile brings him to want to kiss you, yet he refrains so. maybe later, he thinks.

you look away, lips pouting a little whilst he watches the way your shoulder shrugs. "anything for you? what's up... baby?"

he grins at how sheepish you've become, the hand that was caressing your cheek slips to the back of your neck, pulling you into his arms.

"thank you, y/n." he says once more, a hand by the back of your torso while the other caresses your head.

to him, your effort and love for him is great and sometimes it leaves him thinking what did he do to deserve this? but honestly i think he deserves everything life has to offer.

he's grateful, forever grateful to have you by his side.

[borderlinebox]

Lose My Mind

Summary: Sunato Banda had found his interest in you, a psychiatrist.

Pairing: Sunato Banda x Psychiatrist!Reader

Warning: AiB normalities, Urumi acting like she's manipulating you, a little bit botched jack of hearts cause I forgot how the game went, manipulation, deaths mention, not proofread!!

A/N: Apologies for taking a while to post!! Ive been busy lately with my university but Im slowly working my way through the requests!

Request from Wattpad: Can i request a psychiatrist reader x sunato banda please, I think it would be fun to see how they would interact :) take your time if u do decide to write btw <3

Feedback is highly appreciated!!!

"Please put on the collar and proceed to the room upstairs."

The same ai voice rang through the small room you walked upon in. It was clear to you that the game must've included something about trust or a guessing game due to the looks of the collar. There was a small, circular display of a screen on the back of it.

You gulp before placing the collar onto your neck.

There was no going back now.

Feeling the light cold from the contraption, you made your way up the stairs and into a room full of other people just standing there. They all had the same collar as you.

For the time being, you decided to do what you do best; observe.

Back in the real world, you were a psychiatrist. Which meant you would study harsh behavioral disorders based on your diagnosis. You were relieved on how much your job had helped your ass during games like diamonds and hearts. It also allowed you to understand others and be able to adapt to their personality.

Maybe you wouldn't call yourself manipulative, but you definitely had the great advantage and ability to.

Your mind suddenly went blank when your eyes stopped and stared at a man from the other side of the room.

Sunato Banda.

Yes, you've heard bout him in the papers before, in the real world.

And then, it seemed like you had been staring at him for a bit too long and he seemed to take notice of your gaze. Banda started to stare back at you, as if he was observing you like you did him.

When you realized this, you quickly gathered back your surroundings and looked away from him.

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see that he had interest in you. A dark interest.

As soon as everybody filled out the game's player registration, the big tv screen in front of them turned on - revealing a jack of hearts card.

Everyone listened intently to the game's instructions.

And confirming your earlier suspicions; this is a game of trust. You could already tell, straight off, that most of the players in this room would go off and lie when the option and possibility is given.

Then most of them had gone off in groups or pairs.

Currently for you, you needed to find somebody you could trust. So you needed to observe everybody else first. You're too unbelievably close to finishing off this game - you needed to survive.

That poor boy with his one eye hidden decided to pair up with Sunato.. And it seemed like Sunato had already established his superiority over him.

You looked off to the side and found a boy who seemed like he was having a breakdown every two seconds sitting next to white-hooded other. It was rather odd and unique that they were paired, considering the fact that one of them looked calm and collected and the other was wild and shaky.

You really did feel bad.

But you couldn't do anything about it.

You felt a tap on your shoulder. You turned around to reveal a girl in a blue lollita dress - It was the same lady who suggested going in groups.

"Hey, you seem like you need a team... Do you wanna join our group?" She smiled 'innocently'.

Hesitantly, you looked at the group behind her. They were all so desperate in leaving this place alive that they forgot how to work smarter. Some were shivering, some were talking over others..

"Yeah, sure." You accepted and gave her a quick smile.

You had to accept naturally, otherwise they may suspect you as the jack of hearts. And it was too early for you to die.

She smiled. "Wonderful! My name is Urumi, yours?"

"My name is-" You were cut off by somebody asking if they could join the group and it seemed like Urumi had quickly forgotten about you.

You exhaled through your nose in slight annoyance. Then you darted your eyes off to the side and found Banda watching you again. His newfound lacky had disappeared into the small cafeteria.

Eyes narrowing at him, you were about to go and interact with him, get some non-verbal information from him at least, until Urumi touched your shoulder again with her bright, fake childish smile.

"Why don't we go to the cafeteria?" She persuaded in exaggeration, like a kid convincing for their mom to buy a toy for them. "We can have a group meeting there."

It felt like you had caught the eye of many people, like they knew who you are and what you can do.

You certainly know that you've caught Banda's eye, and now this Urumi girl seemed to be the most friendliest to you.

However you knew better than to trust someone like her, but you needed to follow her instructions for now so you wouldn't raise any sort of suspicion. You had to give her the steering wheel for now.

"Sounds like a plan." You answered her, giving one last glance back at Sunato as she continued to drag you away from the main room to the cafeteria.

-

"You're a club!" Urumi chirped happily, and the group members behind her agreed on with her.

Truth. The cogs in your head told you.

You were sure they said the truth. You looked around and smiled thankfully, "Many thanks." Bow.

After a while, it was time to answer your suit. You made your way to the cell of your choice and waited until the bot's voice said any further instructions.

"Please answer your selected suit."

"Club."

3 - 2 - 1 - Ding! Congratulations, you didn't die.

You sighed in relief and dusted off some dirt of your clothes before leaving your small cell. You guessed nobody had died this round, it's too early for the Jack to start their attack.

You opened the cell and were greeted by everybody else around you, and you were right; no one died. Your group got together in the center hall, all bowing and thanking their fellow teammates.

All of you started to tell each other their symbols once again until that one big bully decided to cause a scene. It was no surprise to you though.

He started threatening and attacking the poor man he forced to team up with him, pushing the victim onto the ground as they cried.

Banda was quick to pick the pitiful man up. "Are you okay?"

That struck you as odd. Surely, it did surprise you.

But then he leaned down onto the crying man's ear and whispered something to him. Despite his back was facing you, it was awfully obvious that he had a plan.

Seeing that the game was a hearts, and it needed you to evaluate how much you can trust one another; you also guessed that Sunato told the guy to lie.

It was only inevitable.

When the attacker was about to strike again, he was stopped by his words.

"Club! You're.. a club.." he cried, begging him to not hurt him anymore.

What a sad display in front of you. But it was the duality seen in reality. Where the bigger people fight the weak just to show the dominance they have over them. But it is a world that you have accept. You looked down in shame - not for yourself but for the humanity you live with.

"Don't wait so long next time." The bully chuckled and left.

He walked by you and his collar was in fact, not a club. Nobody decided to tell, letting the foolish man fall into his inescapable death.

After that, slowly, people died. One by one. It started off with that half-witted man, then the man who lied and so forth, so on. And it was all because of Urumi with her suspicions.

It was clear as day that she liked manipulating people using her childish charms.

You were thinking on leaving the group as you sat on those cafeteria benches.. But how were you going to do it without seeming suspicious? Well, you had no choice but to start avoiding her or tell her right away. But maybe next round, there was 20 minutes left and you had just done that group meeting. Thankfully, they haven't lied yet, or else you would have some serious problems.

"Hey."

You know that voice. You could feel your breath hitching and your nervousness starting to rise, but you had to keep yourself composed. Don't show fear.

You turned around to face him, "Banda."

He smirked darkly at you - A smile you've seen a thousand times on people like him.

Banda made his way to sit in front of you. He had his interest piqued at the very moment he had his eyes on you at the start of the game. He knew you were way ahead of the rest. The way you narrowed your eyes at people you were reading.

It also felt like he knew about you way before this game. Dare I say; world.

"I've seen you eyeballing me every time you enter a room." Banda taunted as his small, creepy smile never went away.

"You act as if you don't do the same." You remarked. "I know who you really are, Sunato Banda."

He grinned at you. "Feisty, I like that about you. Putting up a wall so nobody would know what you really think of others."

You only blinked slowly at him. What was he trying to get on about? Why were you even talking to him anyway?

"You'd be surprised." You shrugged his way.

And why were you entertaining him?

"You know, you're group is starting to become extinct rats. What are you going to do when they all died off?" Banda started making a good point.

"What? Am I supposed to say I'll ask for your help?" You asked suspiciously, a little offended.

"What else are you going to do?" He chuckled, soon turning to a dark point. "Just so you know, you don't have to trust in me. I have a feeling that my partner isn't telling me the 100% truth - and when your group dies down, you'd have no one to turn to."

"What are you trying to say?" You knew exactly what he was going to say.

"Why not help each other out? I do you a favor, you do mine."

"And what if you're the jack?"

"What if you're the jack?" Banda played along with signature smile.

Your eyes narrowed at him, a little pissed off. Two can play at this game. "Fine then," You crossed your arms on the table, "Suppose my group does die, and I do listen to your advice - What do you suppose you would do with me after? It's not like I'll easily trust a serial killer."

Banda sneered while placing both of his palms on the table and leaned closer to you, all up in your face with a snarl, "Sometimes, you make me lose my mind."

You leaned closer, "Too bad you already lost it."

With that you chose to stand up from your place at the table, not daring to look back at him. You could already tell he was starting to break character and the real, angry psychopath was starting to show. The true darkness and power that a man like him can hold over their victim. It was already on display at the very first second of this match - everyone was just blind.

But, much to his surprise, you turned around a little, not a full turn where your whole face was visible. You gave him a somewhat sympathetic smile - hard to know if it was fake or not.

"But, I'll be keeping your offer in mind." You chimed before waltzing your way out of the cafeteria with a racing heart.

Did you seriously just back-talked a criminal? Yes, Yes you did.

While you were busy feeling a little bit confident of yourself, which is quite suspicious and yet wrong in a game like this, you didn't notice a pair of eyes watching your back with dubiety.

After another round of this jack of hearts game, it felt like none of them was getting a speck closer into finding out who the jack might be. You gathered with your groupmates once again, waiting for your turn.

"So, what's my symbol?" You asked, trusting them.

"You're a... spade!" Urumi smiled innocently as she swayed lightly, her blue dress flying around lightly. Hand fiddling with the pink pocky stick in her hand.

Lie. Your head told you.

Your eyes widen in shock and terror as you processed the doom that you were in. For the very first time, you were being told a lie in your group.

After what seemed like hesitating more than confirming, the only members left of the group nodded their head and agreed on the symbol. The way they confirmed it was so transparent, you could tell how much of a lie it was, just because their tone of voice and their faces were all so fake.

But you decided to play along.

"Thank you." You nodded.

It didn't take long for the group to disband again, going their separate ways.

You went your own, really separate way alright. You went to Banda, much to your very own disappointment with your so called team.

,

"So you decided to finally come to terms, hm?" Banda played as he followed the lines of the brick walls in the small room in a hallway nobody would really bother to check, especially with a people of this amount left. He was very cocky.

"I said what I said, and I keep my word." You recalled, leaning against the wall with folded hands as you watched Banda slowly come closer to you, his index finger still tracing the dusty old grout.

Eventually, he got closer to you that he was practically 2 inches apart from your figure.

"Sounds trustworthy." He replaced his index finger with his whole palm, up against the wall. "Now I trust you'll tell me the truth?"

"I'll tell the truth if you do the same. I think you know that I'm more than capable to tell the difference between a truth and a lie. No matter how good you are, everybody always have a tell." You didn't meet his eyes yet, you stared off blankly into space but you were very confident and were true to your word.

Banda grinned at you, it made you look at him with your own blank eyes. "No strings attached?"

"No strings attached." You echoed back. Both you and Banda had agreed that both of you wouldn't try to control the other, just simply telling each other's symbols until the end of the game. After all, both of you know how many colors manipulation comes in.

"Your symbol is a heart." He answered.

Truth..

You walked behind him and read his collar, "Spade."

Sunato smiled once more at you, he seemed to trust your words. His partner must've answered the same so it was somewhat of a 100 percent chance for him to be alive this round but you knew that it wasn't going to be the end just yet. Someone was bound to lie some time.

Both of you then made your way to that cell room of yours, watching Urumi walk into her own as she smiled so sweetly your way before walking in.

What a bitch, you thought.

"Please answer your selected suit."

"Heart."

It was correct... The doors unlocked as soon as you realized you had survived. One by one, you heard doors open from the outside. You had counted the amount of players that were left, walking in their cells, so determining how many doors would be opened, it would tell you how many players had survived.

Unfortunately, another player seemed to have passed away. But it wasn't to your surprise.

The real surprise that was about to ensue was to Urumi, who was very shocked and quite pissed off that you were still alive. She had guessed that you had somebody else to trust other than her.

The way she watched you as you walked pass her through the cafeteria was just so full of hatred.

But the real threat to her was her groupmates. Not only were they losing faith in her - she was starting to lose trust in them. It was bound to be a lose-lose situation that would never seem to find its solution.

And as another few rounds went by, your conclusion was true.

Everybody from your group had disappeared, all with their necks blown off in the cells they all last departed to before their certain deaths.

It was a pity for all of them to have died. They wouldn't have had to die if only they were good enough to each other and speak nothing but the truth. But alas, none of them could trust the other.

Each round, usually when Banda's partner was long gone and off to the food section by himself, you would meet up with Banda where nobody else could see and exchange answers of the symbol on your collar and some other information both of you had gathered in safety of the other in the game.

You had told Banda that you had to team up with the white hooded boy with bleached-blonde hair who was formerly in your group but started phase out with the other guy with the yellow shirt. Both of which, you learned their names were Chishiya and Ippei. In order for you to not look suspicious in front of everybody else who was alive.

You couldn't help but feel bad for that one Ippei guy. He really was too kind for this world. It made you wonder how he got this far. Too bad he stranded in the Jack of Hearts game.

Sunato understood your reasons. For a serial killer, he was quite smooth with his words and made very good points from time to time. He was surprisingly a good person to chat with and pass the time.

Both of you learned each others aspects of being a serial killer and a psychiatrist, often play small and few rounds of a guessing game to figure out what the other thinks about or do or anything along those lines.

That's until what seemed like the last round came.

You were with Chishiya but Ippei had sadly passed away. He really shouldn't have been here in the first place. He didn't deserve it. You had a sure feeling that Chishiya was trustworthy enough to go through with your plan of surviving and you hoped that he didn't see you as a threat as well.

There was no real point in lying to him anyways.

In these few rounds, you've noticed how intelligent and observant he really was. It seems like the only last few who were left were the ones who stayed quiet and listened instead of going around and assuming others.

Both of you were sure that the jack was going to make the move.

Anyways, despite the fact you were with Chishiya, he told you not to tell him his symbol yet in order to get some answers from the people he seemed to suspect.

And as the plan went on smoothly, when everybody was gone from the small food section, you told each other your symbols and parted ways. You promised Banda that you'd meet up one last time in the same small room down the hallway.

"About time you showed up, I've been waiting here for 5 minutes." Banda turned around to you.

"And that's all the time it took for you to start losing your head up your ass, huh?" You teased back with unamused eyes.

He didn't really like that so he narrowed his eyes at you. Something he took from you, due to your little habit. "What happened?"

"Nothing much. I just had to do a plan with that Chishiya guy. Really helpful. You?"

"I also teamed up with another guy. Similar to ours. We both believe that we have many things in common." He answered willfully, everything coming out of his mouth was the truth.

It honestly stunned you, the fact hoe he actually was telling the truth about every word he tells you. You were just expecting more unsuspecting and cocky lies, same to everybody who had currently died at this game. Instead, you were met with a man who wanted to survive as much as you do. Maybe even as manipulative as you if you were.

"Reasonable. How sure are you that the guy you're with is the jack of hearts?" You asked.

"I mean considering the fact that you can tell the difference between a truth and a lie, shouldn't you know?" Banda sassed back at you, tilting his head with delight.

"I can tell the difference between a trustworthy prick and ally as well." You smiled at him exaggeratingly. You knew why he suspected his partner already but it couldn't hurt to know if your secret teammate knew why as well.

"When I said he was transparent from the start, I really meant it. He's clearly trying to act as if I have him under my control. The way he doesn't know the way I truly see him when he doesn't have a clue." Your partner says, all in the truth.

"Fair." You answered him. "I hate to say this for once but, hope you end up till end, Sunato. Just so you know, I really am saying the truth."

He nodded towards you before leaving the room first, never to be seen until the results of the last round.

Something tells you that you weren't the only one who felt and read the tension you had between the both of you. A deeper and more twisted and maybe even forbidden kind of tension. But it was the thing both of you had. But you couldn't say anything about it.

As the last few game matchers stepped into the last room of potential death, it took them almost a minute to find out who had won.

You answered your suit and you were more than relieved that your symbol was right and that you were ready to feel actual ground again and breath after this game. You could hear some laughter from outside, near your cell.

But despite trying to sound all so serious, you chuckled at his laugh. The jack was just right next door to you. How stupid.

One by one, you and the last other 3 players revealed yourselves to be alive as you told the jack of your clever plans and how much all of you had outsmarted him.

And in the end, before Sunato and that Yaba guy left into the cell to start their work, the last thing you saw was Banda's wink.

"We shall meet again, princess."

[resuswhore]

overview: m/m resus, fluid in lungs; cpr, suction, pacing, very hardware heavy. whumpy with a happy ending.

- this was originally written as personal/private piece, I wrote to get off, but I decided to share, so the flow might be a little odd. - perspective slightly shifts from beginning to end, but nothing drastic, just a heads up. - this is my first official piece on here, hope y'all like it.

I need to hold a limp and vulnerable boy in my arms, to feel his soft skin and brittle bones fall completely to my will, I want to hold his hands in mine, knowing his life depends on me. I want to hold him as he lays unconscious in a hospital gown, to kiss his almost too cool forehead, and listen to the beep beep beep beep of the monitor as his heart struggles to beat for itself.

I want his body is intruded upon; IVs in his hands and wrists, even in the crooks of his elbows, a PICC line taped down against his bicep, a central line embedded against his chest, a jugular line if I’m really luck, giving me access to all of him, to his weak heart and sickly body. I’ll to press kisses along his arms, port to port, iv to iv, feeling the sterile plastic beneath my lips. I’ll hold his cold hands in mine, weary of the pulse ox taped to his forefing, making sure to be gentle as I hold onto him like I’m his lifeline, and in a way, I am.

I will take him into my arms as he struggles to remain in the same plane as me, slipping between the veil of life and death. I’ll call his name and shake him in a way that seems far to harsh despite my attempts to be gentle with his fragile body; I’ll to watch as his limbs flutter around helplessly, and his head lolls against my shoulder, his face remaining slack.

As his heart begins to fade, I’ll force my knuckles into his sternum, rubbing at it harshly until it is covered in bruises. I want to feel his weak attempts at whimpers and the hiss of struggled breaths, as I try desperately to force life back into his weakening chest, to make his dying heart beat a bit stronger, a bit faster. I’ll take seflish pride in knowing the pain I’m causing him is saving his life, even if something that could almost label as guilt or shame tears through my own heart.

I’ll try to help him breathe, even if I know my actions are futile; I’ll help him sit upright, laying him against my chest, fluid spilling from his lips as I use a single, gentle hand against his throat, gripped tightly around his jaw, to hold his airway nice and open, while also tilting his head slightly down to allow him to pass the fluid keeping him from getting air. Every time he begins to choke, despite lacking the energy to do so, I’ll use my finger to clear his throat of spit and fluid so he can attempt to breathe clearly. When he stutters through half a breath, choking before he can fully fill his lungs, I’ll press my mouth over his and give him some of my own breath, feeling his chest rise and fall, his cheeks pillowing and throat shifting as I do so, bobbing as he nearly chokes over the force of my air going down his throat, pressing gentle kisses to his lips between each breath.

Eventually, he’ll stop breathing against me entirely, and I will hear him gurgling on his own spit until he is too weak to attempt another, and feel his ribs stopping shifting with the far too intense effort it took to pull even the smallest amount of air into his body, and his weak attempts at coughs as his lungs give out, jerking his chest against my own pitifully, his head pulling back ever so slightly until he goes entirely slack. My own heart will ache and my stomach will tingle with something eerily similar to arousal as his heart follows suit, flickering out from its already slow rhythm until there is nothing but a sharp ringing in the air. I’ll shift the hand currently holding his airway open, letting his head sag and his airway obstruct almost completely, to press my fingers deeply into his carotid, wanting to feel for myself that he is gone.

Before I can even process the fact that his heart has truly stopped, I will quickly scoop him up into my arms, his head falling off my shoulder and sagging helplessly, causing his neck to extend in an exposed fashion, before laying him out on the bed haphazardly, surrounded by the muffed-up blue hospital sheets and myriad of lines and wires and tubes that curl around him like some sort of all-consuming halo, letting his gown ride up and become disheveled, exposing his beautiful skin; the boney curves of his chest, the way his ribs stick out ever so slightly to protect his weak lungs and weaker heart, the soft flesh of his belly, the sharp edges of his collar bone.

I’ll press my fingers to each of his leads, making sure they’re firmly stuck down where they are littered over his chest, and rearrange the wires so they lay nicely against his form. As I let my eyes scan over his unmoving body, I’ll tighten the blood pressure cuff around his thigh, just to be safe. I’ll card my fingers through his hair and study his emotionless face, pressing kisses over his closed eyes and to the corners of his cold lips.

As I half heartedly pump his chest with one hand, I’ll attempt to shove my suction tube down his throat with the other, trying desperately to do the job of 2 people, maybe three people at once, or more so, the work his body should be doing but can’t. I’ll hear the satisfying crackle of fluid leaving his wet lungs, all while his head bobs with each compression, his body offering no other reaction to the bowing of his ribs or the tube down his throat. I’ll struggle at the angle, having to abandon his heart to focus on his lungs.

I want to watch his lips turn blue as I struggle to suction all the fluid from his throat and lungs, unable to truly get any air in his lungs, no matter how many times I pressed my lips to his and blew as hard as I could, only to feel my breath gargle in his lungs. I’d shift his head over and over until I decided to place and OPA, slipping the plastic tube down his throat, finally establishing an airway; I’d use it to place a suction tube down his airway, into his lungs, finally clearing enough fluid give his body what it so desperately needed. I’ll press my warm, pink, lips to his cold, gray-ish ones, finding them sickly moist, but finally feeling air move through the plastic tube and down into his lungs, lifting his chest in the process, the warm air coming back cool.

Once I can get his airway stabilized, I’ll go back to his chest, finding his once pale ivory skin now tinted gray. His delicate ribs bow beneath my hands almost too easily, his stomach bulging and his shoulders jumping with each compression. The sound of the gentle gasps of air that leave him, almost whistling past the OPA, as I break his chest and the quiet but still harsh beeping of the EKG as it warns me of his dropping stats and the effects of my compressions on his sick heart filling my ears.

I want to make use of all those ports, filling him with fluids and drugs, desperately hooking him up to whatever I can get my hands on, anything that could potentially bring him back to me. I’ll send adrenaline straight through his PICC line, fluids and vasopressors through his IVs, trying to stabilize his dying body or bring back even the most feeble of heart beats.

I’d have to keep breathing for him, stopping my compressions when my shoulders begin to burn more than I can power through, only to drape myself over him, fingers in his hair, as I press our mouths together, breathing into the OPA, air filling past the plastic tube. I’ll repeat the action over and over again, filling my lovers lungs with air, reveling in the smoothness the airway brings to our one-sided exchange of air, how the air whisps out of it with a gentle hiss, how steady it feels when I place my hand to his chest, feeling it fill his moist lungs.

I still have to pause to suction him over and over, to keep him from drowning on his own fluids, but something about the action, feeding the tube down his throat and working it through his lungs, hearing the crackle of fluid, and even when I go back to breathing for him, his chest rattles every now and again despite my best efforts. His lips grow colder and colder against mine as time passes, but as I breathe for him again and again, they momentarily match my warmth before I go back to compressions, our last exchange feeling almost like a kiss, but surely cool when I abandon them.

I’ll pull his gown even further down to expose his full chest, and the bruises I’ve left, so I can press AED pads to his skin, feeling his bones shift beneath me as I press them to his chest firmly. I’ll shock him and watch his chest seize, and his head throw back, exposing his pretty neck, and his hands clenched tightly at his sides. I’ll shock him over and over again, each time with higher and higher voltage, his reaction to the shocks becoming more violent each time. After each attempt I’ll lean over and kiss him, gently apologizing for what I’m doing to him, only to shock him again even harder. Somehow the shame is arousing, knowing I’m breaking him, hurting him, only out of desperation.

I’ll need him to come back, I’ll beg him throughout the compressions, as my hands begin to wander from his sternum, and straying just slightly to the left, directly over his heart, because I need it to beat, I need to pump it directly so it can find the strength to restart.

I want his name to fall off my tongue like a prayer, over and over and over again, until there is nothing left in my mind. I want my actions, and my devotions to be like prayer to him, my attention to every facet of his being, even then, when he is dead under my hands, to be like worship. I want to break him, hurt him, destroy him in my attempts to revive him; burning his skin with each shock, breaking his ribs, bruising his beautiful body.

His heart restart after I’ve shocked him more times than I can count, given him more air than I can even begin to imagine, and broken his chest in a desperate manner. It’ll be weak and slow, I’ll have to guide it with my hands, continuing shallow compressions, so it doesn’t flutter back out of existence, until I grow too tired to keep up any consitancy.

I’ll switch to pacing with the AED, struggling to get it to catch a rhythm at all, turning the dial up more and more, worrying that he’s too far gone, that even though his hearts attempting to beat at the moment, its given up its fight and wants only to fizzle out and be left alone (little does it know I won’t allow that). but once it does, I’ll find pleasure in watching his chest jolt with each small shock of the pacer. I'll turn the volts up, much like I did the defib, and push his heart to be strong. I want to hold his hand as he begins to dig his nails into his palms as he is struck with pain. I can’t even bring myself to give him something for the pain out of fear of risking his heart stopping once more, even though I know it's cruel and most likely selfish to do so. I love him, I can’t lose him, I’ll torture him if it’ll keep him alive, pleasures lulls through my being at the realization.

His breathing remains non-existent, so I’ll have to keep breathing for him, keep giving him these kisses of life, knowing my air is keeping him alive, is keeping his feeble heart beating and his sad little lungs alive. I’ll switch to an ambu bag when I can’t keep his saturation up any longer, and his body has gone a sick grayish palor, far past that blue shade, for me to keep using my recycled air, and when I do, I’ll fill his lungs to the brim each time, and relish in the return of color to his skin. It was selfish to deprive him of real oxygen for so long, but the feeling of knowing I held him in limbo for so long is intoxicating.

I’d spend hours keeping him alive, holding him in my arms, sterile hospital sheets wrapped around his form in an attempt to work some color back into his skin, my lips pressing to every inch of skin I can get to, kissing him ever so gently, willing him with sweet words to stay with me. I’d breathe for him, with the ambu bag until my wrists grew sore, and only then would I indulge my need to fill him with my own air, pressing my lips to his over and over again until his stats dropped, before going back to the bag, taking breaks every time he’d start to gurgle on fluid reaching his airway, to suction fluid from his lungs once more. Maybe he’d code a few times, maybe he’d gasp a few of his own breaths, or maybe he would just lay there, letting me help him, letting me keep him alive with no struggle or resistance.

But eventually he’d flutter into consciousness, looking frantically through his lashes, eyes blown wide and teary, whining as his chest spasms with each jolt of the pacer, and gagging on the airway still sitting in his throat. I’ll insist he keeps it in for me, because I need him to be safe for me, that he still can’t hold his own airway and his heart can’t maintain its own steady beat, and that it's for his own good. I’ll tell him I’m sorry, that everything hurts, that he has to suffer through the pain because I can’t risk his precious little heart.

I’ll watch as he struggle, hands haphazardly trying to pull the pads off his chest or pull out the air way, gently restraining him as the struggle begins throwing off his heart rhythm. I’d bind them to the side of the bed, holding one hand in my own, stroking his cheek with the other. I’d promise him that I was sorry, that he had to leave it, that he needed it, that is was for his own good, that it would all be over soon. I’d kiss away his tears as he struggled to remain conscious, finding trust in his tired puppy dog eyes.

I won’t allow him to breathe on his own, not unassisted, no, I’d sit behind him, leaning him against my chest, his head rested in the crook of my shoulder, aiding each and every breath with the ambu bag, oxygen turned up full flow, making sure his chest fills completely each time. His lungs are still weak and soggy, I still need to suction him every now and then, which is harder now that he’s conscious, but twice as pleasing, cutting off his air so that way he doesn’t continue to choke

treating him seems to be a lot like that, ebb and flow, doing harm in the moment to do good in the future, hurting him to keep him alive, torturing him because I love him, shame turning into pleasure

I’ll watch his eyes roll back as he loses grip on reality, lashes fluttering, alarms blaring, fluid crackling through the suction, something twisting in me in the most divine way. Once I’m finished I make sure to give him deep, almost too full breaths, rubbing his sternum until his eyes snap open, flashing to me in a panicked manner. I’ll kiss him and tell him everything is alright, that I’ve got him, that he’s safe with me, because he is, I’d shift the tides to keep him here with me. He’ll look up at me, still scared, confused even, and in pain, but all I’ll see is trust, trust that I’m protecting him, trust that I wouldn’t be hurting him if I didn’t have to, trust that I love him and thats why I’m doing this.

He’d submit himself to me, letting his eyes fall blankly around the room, his own breathing completely stopped, not because he can’t, but because he knows I’ll do it for him, his body going completely pliant against me so I can shift him and hold him and work him however I need without any problem.

In time his heart will strengthen, part of me is too worried to take him off the pacer, but I do slip him some morphine, and he finally slips into a blissful enough state to sleep. I’ll slip out from behind him, settling him up on the pillows gently, making sure his airway remains stable. I’ll decide to switch him to a breathing bag, so he can breathe on his own, but I’m still able to assist when needed, giving me an opportunity to let my mind stray.

I keep part of my mind locked on his body, the sound of his breathing, the way his chest moves as he inhales, the spasm caused by the pacer, the force it takes him to get air in, the palor of his skin; another on the monitor, what his vitals look like, if any alarms are going off; a third on the bag, watching him inhale, deflating the bag slightly before it refills with air. But the rest is focused on him, his pretty face, the bruises I’ve left all over him, on his chest, his jaw, even his lips are all red and swollen. His ribs are battered beyond belief, there are surely burns under the AED pads from how long they’ve sat on his body, his palms are bloodied from how tightly he’s clenched his hands tight, but something about all that is beautiful, all tragic like. It makes me want to just sit and stare, and to be frank, I do. I sit and I watch, hushing him when the morphine begins to wear off, squeezing the bag when he struggles to breath on his own, holding his hand still bound to the bed all throughout the night, savoring his beauty, almost like he’s now too fragile to touch.

In the morning, I’ll take the airway out and let him breathe on his own, feeling an odd disappointment in my relinquishment of control, almost shoving it back in when he chokes hard, coughing up fluid into his lap, his eyes panicked, but a few blows to the back and a rebreather mask takes the edge off and eventually he settles back into the pillows, where he’ll watch me dazily as I rub his chest, trying to get his breathing to fully settle until he falls back to sleep. His heart rate remains steady so I begin to wean him off the pacer, lowering the voltage bit by bit until I feel sure I can take them off. All the while, he doesn’t say a word, his throat is bruised from my efforts, but he watches me idly, like he wants to say something.

He’s still sick, there's still fluid in his lungs, and his hearts still weak, his output is low and his rhythm is bradycardic, but manageable with atropine, his saturation fluctuates, but upping his oxygen helps that too. He watches me float about his room, doting or while I’m working on him, listening to his heart and lungs with the stethoscope (hissing at his wet lungs once) more pushing meds, suctioning his lungs, cleaning around his ports. He even watches while I’m looking at the machines keeping him alive, listening as I babble to him mindlessly. He smiles, leans back, chest huffing lightly;

“I love you,” I barely hear him, his voice is quiet and broken, he coughs lightly between each syllable, but he says it. He looks at me like I’ve hung the stars (and his morphine), holding out his sickly looking hand, which I take immediately. “You saved me.”

He smiles, his perfect, soft, glowing smile, despite everything else happening to him, lightly squeezing my hand to the best of his ability, his head sinking into the pillow like it takes all his strength just to do so, and in reality, it easily could. But that doesn’t stop him from pulling my hand up to his chest, right over his heart, where it's thumping against his splinted ribs. I go to speak, to assure him that of course I did, but he pushes me with a gentle look.

“I’m here, cause of you, you saved me,” his words are floaty, like he’s not 100% there, but he looks at me, eyes wide, sure of himself, before pulling my hand up to his carotid, letting my fingers find his pulse, weak and slow, but there. “I’m still here, and I’m going to stay here, because I have you. and you won’t let me go.”

He wraps both of his IV ridden hands around my arm, his skin cool against mine, bringing it to his mouth so he could kiss my fingers. It was odd, feeling the boy he had just spent hours resuscitating and stabilizing, be the one to take care of him, even as minisculely as he was now, but touch was far from foreign, and the look in his eye was far too comforting not to lean into.

We would most certainly have to talk, really talk, about everything, but that could wait, right now, all I planned to do, was hold onto my boy, to feel him breathing, to hear his heart rate on the monitor, knowing I got him back, that all of it was worth it, cause he was here, and his still love me, despite the pain and the fear, the selfish choices made out of my own lust. It’d be fine. We’re fine.

[silawastaken]

I love seeing people compare music to their favourite characters and go like 'oh yeah this verse might be this character... and then this one is the other one... and then this little bit here is them both honestly. Or something like that' because I HAVE gone through every taylor swift song on evermore and folklore and compared it to skk. Sorry to be autistic on the writing account, but this is a fanfic writing account and I'm writing my second novel length fic about them so what did you expect.

folklore/evermore are very canon skk, and verge into fanon and some songs are the reason for very specific head canons, or some of the ways I write the way they perceive each other. 1989... DON'T GET ME STARTED OMFG HAVE YOU EVER LISTENED TO BLANK SPACE? I THINK IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT HAVE AND OMG IT'S SO SKK CODED LIKE WTF. I HAVE VERY FIRM OPINIONS ABOUT WHICH LYRICS ARE THEIRS. Also the vault tracks literally exist what more do you want from me. 'i think about jumping off of very tall somethings just to see you come running and say the one thing I've been wanting' okay dazai pack it up you did that already, beast exists. 'i call my mom sister she said that it was for the best remind myself the more i gave you'd want me less' yeah yeah chuuya we know he left you get over it, it wasn't personal(think that line could go for either of them but the other line 'the way you faded till i left' feels more Dazai personally). Plus suburban legends. For personal reasons I struggle to listen to song without SPIRALING FUCK YOU THAT ONE PERSON SEHDHSSJNS but very skk as well 'we were born to be national treasures' is very soulmates of them. And out of the woods screams them in fanfic when they try to get better. Red, straight away all too well. They both remember it all too well. All too well skk cover with switching vocals anyone? The last time. The one with gary lightbody. Underrated song, is my favourite on that album, and SO THEM. 'this is the last time you tell me ive got it wrong, this is the last time i wont hurt you anymore' because they're fated to be together and are constantly drawn to each other and yet keep HURTING EACH OTHER RAGH. also 'we are never getting back together' is pretty funny and nice when applied to them. also state of grace. any taylor song with a mild drop of religious imagery is them cause yeah. but 'i never saw you coming, and I'll never be the same'... okay pack it up, we don't have time for your yearning. 'you were never a saint' (dazai abt chuuya) 'and i loved in shades of wrong' (bc hes toxic and doesnt know how to healthily like people) 'we learned to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts' (bc they continue anyway and stick it out, living with the pain of being bad for each other because of how deeply they care). I almost do. Dazai after leaving. moving on to more religion, holy ground. 'for the first time i had something to lose' 'and i guess we fell apart in the usual way, and the storys got dust on every page' AAAAAA IT'S THEM. Can't really speak on debut- but I've listened to our song and picture to burn and if picture to burn isn't a vengeful chuuya idk what is. BOY OH BOY SPEAK NOW.

excuse me. one moment.

Mine- literally a skk au

Sparks fly- 'the way you move is like a rainstorm and im a house full of cards, you're the kind of reckless that should send me running' that entire verse screams dazai's fascination with corrupted chuuya, and the whole song is well yeah

back to december- dazai when they reunite just trust me on it just trust me on it. the repetition was intentional, that's how serious i am. 'i go back to december all the time' 'I got back to december to make it all right'

speak now- might just be me but it really makes me think of teen skk in fanfic harbouring urges to ruin the others relationship for 'some reason. I don't know, seeing him with her just... irks me'.

the story of us- first verse is chuuya, second verse is dazai, and the third is them both because they're LOSERS and they LOVE EACH OTHER and FUCK I'm CRYING NOW. 'id tell you i miss you but i don't know how' EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED BASTARD.

enchanted- self explanatory. for more context, i really think it's from dazai's pov in this case, could probably be both, but dazai fell first and harder so it's really like god he's been in love ever since he got kicked into that wall he wants him around forever. He held Chuuya's hand in the fight with rimbaud and then had all those close moments in the manga and went home to lie on his bed kicking his feet and giggling don't lie. (god im still crying this isn't helping)

better than revenge- they're both pretty vengeful idk it makes me think of iwsynttr for some reason

haunted- chuuya pov. 'i thought i had you figured out, something's gone terribly wrong' 'stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had' they're so sad, but the general idea of chuuya thinking he has figured out dazai and knowing how he thinks and then dazai just leaves suddenly and he's like 'Wow! I thought i knew you. How do i forget this'. 'wont finish what you started' bringing chuuya into the mafia then leaving it.

last kiss- 'you told me you love me so why did you go away' chuuya pov again oh god it hurts why am i doing this to myself? 'never imagined we'd end like this, your name, forever the name on my lips' yep yep ow.

LONG LIVE.- LISTEN. TO. THE. SONG. AND TELL ME IT'S NOT DAZAI AND CHUUYA. I COULD DO A WHOLE ANALYSIS ON JUST THIS SONG. 'promise me this, that you'll stand by me forever, but if god forbid fate should step in, and force us into a goodbye...please tell them my name, tell them how the crowds went wild, tell them how i hope they shine, long live the walls we crashed through, i had the time of my life with you' FUCK IT'S DAZAI AN HE'S IN LOVE WITH CHUUYA AND DOESNT KNOW ODAS GONNA DIE YET, JUST THINKS HE DOESNT GET TO KEEP ANYTHING HE WANTS. FUUUUUCK. THEY'RE IN LOVE AND DAZAI WANTS IT REMEMBERED PLEASE I'M SO SAD.

anyway, i can't pretend I'm normal about skk anymore i haven't even covered fearless, reputation, lover or midnights please somebody encourage me to actually write full things dedicated to each album and the most fitting songs from said albums please i'll do it and plus i need to actually gather proof for my autism diagnosis appointment so this would be a good way to to that probably. anyway yeah this'll never make it out my drafts lol

[dianaladrislovebot]

random gone headcanons that have popped into my unhinged little brain, part 10

why hello there my friends, we’ve officially reached part ten of the hc’s series ! and almost directly after the 2 year anniversary of the first one too, funny how time works. a bit of a long one for you today as a treat to celebrate the occasion. i also wanted to mention that i love hearing everyone else’s thoughts and idk if yall have noticed but ive included other people’s hcs before so if you have any hcs you’d like to see included pls share them w me !!!!

frederico ran the black market at coates. in my hc (which is very extensive if anyone wants to hear the rest of it 👉🏻👈🏻) he was at coates for being a dealer so i feel him running it makes sense. black market for what ? i don’t know and it doesn’t matter, but freddie runs it.

he’s also the one that came up with the idea to have a black market in the fayz but that one is also attributed to howard, who he co runs it w.

the crux of drakes sadism is less about just simply wanting to cause violence and damage and more about being fascinated w pain and the fear associated w it. he enjoys the idea of pain and enjoys seeing other people (or just any living thing tbh) in pain, and that includes himself. he used to harm himself before the fayz purely bc he liked how it felt. however, he’s only ever felt a certain amount of pain so it’s not until he loses his arm and feels what pain is truly like that he doesn’t like it on himself anymore.

sam’s alcoholism began in the fayz. after the big split and the migration to the lake, orc had stopped drinking and howard, feeling like his purpose was fizzling out, was rescued by sam being bored. the lake being peaceful left him unsatiated and astrid leaving left him unstable, so he took up drinking just to give himself something to do. he accidentally weened himself off it at the end when the barrier went dark, followed by gaia and then the fayz ending, purely bc howard died and he had no access to alcohol anyway. he picked it back up later after the fayz to help him cope.

quinn listens to 80’s music

quinn gets tattoos post fayz. i have no clue what he’d get, but he’d get em. maybe even a piercing or two too

also, a bunch of kids in the fayz gave themselves dodgy stick and pokes, including lana. they get them properly tattooed later to immortalise them but there’s no way there wasn’t at least ONE kid who got a stick and poke in there

lana also went all out in terms of mentally ill and dyed her hair (im thinking maybe red i think she’d suit red) and cut herself bangs. she even considered giving herself a nose piercing but couldn’t find any jewellery to put in it and gave up on the idea.

quinn’s love language is physical touch so he’s incredibly clingy, and sam being his only friend means sam gets all the cuddles he didn’t ask for. quinn’s hanging off his shoulders or his arms or wherever he can reach at any given moment and there is nothing sam can do about it so instead, he must endure it (he’s secretly okay w this)

diana was a winx girly. in those conversations of “were you a barbie girly or a bratz girly” her response would be winx. the series is set in 2008/2009 so she probably would have been 9 or 10 when winx debuted in 2004. she pretends to think it’s childish but continues to watch the show as it comes out long after the fayz.

on this note, her being a winx girly is based off the fact she’s a fairy girly. she had an obsession w fairies as a child and never truly grew out of it. she has a deep affection for fantasy and whimsy and is part of why she romanticises her relationship w caine, and despite her outward attitude being generally off putting, she’s just a magical fairy princess on the inside 🧚‍♀️✨👑

also on this note, drake was a pirate kid and took it incredibly seriously. like was probably a klepto as a kid and had fake swords he took everywhere and threatened people w type of serious. this is based on the one scene of him humming the pirates of the caribbean theme song and also because i think it’s funny

[definitelynotshouting]

okay hello hi here to shout again because I have ROTATING the hunger lore for DAYS

ECOSYSTEMSSSSS!!! LETS GOOOO!!! did I do well in biology? No!!! I did not :D but ecosystems I know bby!!! MOONS AND STARS ABOVE I love the way it's all connected to like this huge ecosystem and the Watchers being almost gone, the Seekers being completely gone, and rhe Listeners relatively new!! Like?? That's so extremely clever and fascinating to me, and I love the way things are out of balance now bc!!! Yea!!! That's how ecosystems be!!

And also!!! It opens all these new thoughts!!! Like, I can't remember exactly if you said WHY the Watchers decided to take Grian, but if you didn't then like!!!! It opens up these possibilities of the Watchers trying to build back their population, which opens even MORE doors like "are they trying this with other players or was Grian the first/last?" And "would building their population out of Players actually help if Player-Watchers are different?" LIKE IM MEANT TO BE DOING SCHOOLWORK BUT I AM ROTATING

(and also. Love the way Grian became a Watcher. Can't remember if you specified the why (will go back and look) or if you're keeping it secret for now, but!! I love considering the ways populations adapt and survive to great loss and near extinction. It's very different from my own lore (living weapon Grian. Watchers took him to be a soldier bc Watchers and Listeners can't harm each other) so it's so fun to just think about and!!! Yeah!!! That's all I got!!!

Once again :D love your au <3 love your world building and your writing!! Was going to just send the one ask, but I cannot stop rotating your au!!! :D

-Wren

AAAAAA thank you so much!!!! :D im really pleased that everyone likes the ecosystem stuff-- ive been kinda noodling on it for a while because ecosystems are just so neat to me and it made a lot of sense to develop one when i decided Watchers were parasitic in this verse!!!!

I think ive only mentioned this offhand once or twice, but youve absolutely nailed the entire reason the Watchers took Grian-- they're trying to rebuild their population. Grian was essentially the beginning of an experiment to see if this was a suitable way to do that!!!

Actually lemme dive into that real fast, because i dont think i actually have before, at least not publicly. Something to note about Watcher life cycles is that they take comparatively a LONG time. Specifically, Watcher larvae take around a year to incubate within their hosts, and then once they "hatch" (altho "emerge" might be a better word for it) the juveniles take far longer to grow up and teach. And because these things are basically made out of wet tissue paper, theyve got a pretty high mortality rate.

So to get around that, and to try and get around the fact that juveniles often die because they dont know how to feed properly yet and often overextend themselves, why not try and copy the memory code of something fully grown and sentient and just... transfer it to a larva, so its easier to teach?? I feel like it kinda highlights the desperation the Watchers are feeling, that they'd go for this kind of wild experimentation, but it did technically work!!!

They just uh. Didnt account for the insane trauma that would cause, because to them Players are typically just viewed as food sources. Very orange and blue morality, in terms of their value systems compared to Players'.

Grian demonstrated to them that while its possible to rebuild this way on a technical level, its not actually feasible socially speaking. Grian ran from them because of the trauma they inflicted, and that sorta defeats the purpose of Watcherificating a Player so they can add to the community's population 💀💀💀💀 so yeah i'd say Grian is probably both the first and last experiment of his kind, if only because its just not reasonable to continue if your new Watchers are going to escape containment and flee to the ends of the universe every single time you make one /lh

I really love your concept with Watcher!Grian being a weapon, thats INSANELY neat holy shit!!!! Im feeling Things™ about that, i would absolutely love to hear more if you decide you want to tell me!!! It sounds like youve got some really cool symbolism in your lore, and i live for that shit >:]

Skdnwjfnmej anyway theres my own insane ramble to match your deeply flattering compliments, seriously thank you im so astonished people love this stuff so much, it makes me very very happy to know other people are spinning my concepts around in their heads :D feel free to send as many asks as you want!! I always love chatting with people :]

[shameboree]

i am actually going to whine about this publicly

my recent Poisoning Adventure was bc my psych NP (baseline can't be trusted) overdosed me on a new med I never shouldve been on and it caused pretty severe acute extrapyramidal effects (hella muscle spasms, uncontrollable jerking/movements, felt like i was in a fuckin dbz gravity chamber) and METABOLIC ENCEPHALOPATHY!! i couldnt control my body and even tho i knew who i was when it was where i was and why i was there i was also on a completely different realm of existence and it was like, Terrifying Actually!! so even tho im off that med and antidoted and not at risk anymore every time i have any kind of nerve tingling anywhere i start Freaking The Fuck Out. this shit was FOR REAL worse and more harrowing than literally any part of having cancer including the parts where i almost died. was more frightening than having meningitis bc at least i wasnt totally fuckin zooted outta my mind!! ur bitch needs Therapy. wowie!!

anyway ive been struggling w orthostatic hypotension for a hot minute (largely dehydration imo) so i got that rush u get when ur bp tanks and just started cryin like a little bitch babby on account of the Fears. Despite being super tired I am afraid to sleep bc the first bout of extrapyramidal symptoms woke my ass from DEAD SLUMBER

I used to love NPs but nowadays NP schools are clownhouse jokester diploma mills and due to scope creep ushered forth by the capitalist disneyfication of healthcare theyre allowed to practice WAY THE FUCK completely outta bounds. it isnt safe!! chikadee was makin nonstop bonkers med choices for me including putting me on the vers of a medication not even meant to to treat what we were trying to treat and also the correct version had limited success in.. the pediatric population?? babe what?? had to get my pcp involved on that one.

i had issues w nps before on account of all the probs w education and safety (theyre not even required to have 5 minutes of bedside experience outside of clinicals which ultimately are glorified techwork and useless in terms of Actual Nursing Practice (i do think having clinical experience IS Essential and beneficial tho)) but this trash ass dumbshit idiot gave me FRESH TRAUMAS i did NOT need so i have gone from a nonenthusiast to a full on hater. listen we did not go to med school we went to nursing school we should stay in our fucking lane. christ alive!!!!!

i cant fuckin believe this single experience was more traumatizing than actual months of chemotherapy

ALSO I GOT DENIED MEDICAL LEAVE?? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT!!!!!!

[the1975attheirverybest]

oooooh fav lyrics??? fuck thats hard. i will not explain why because i want to seem somewhat cool still and not like a total fucking nerd (despite having incredibly in depth reasonings)

The 1975 - ok this is Album has some interesting lyrics because its before he had it all figured out and i fucking love it for that, theres so many fucking contenders for fav lyrics (including all of anobrain, antichrist or The city) the entire abum is just so mmmmm. but if i had to pick an absolute fav id say

"I put your mother through hell, don't you mind I hate your brother as well, don't you mind, don't you mind Oh I was thinking bout killing myself, don't you mind I love you, don't you mind, don't you mind"

and i know i know its a verse but it isnt complete otherwise. Plus i have it tattooed on me so i feel like i had to.

I Like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it - once again mmm chefs kiss of an album no skips (theyve never made a bad album) and lyricaly very beautiful, i could absolutely nerd out about all of their catalogue tbh. but for this i am excluding Nana and She lays down because theyre...just perfect, and also i sob.

so it would have to be

"And if I believe you Will that make it stop? If I told you I need you Is that what you want?"

or

"Before you go (please don't go), turn the big light off"

its really easy and tempting to put ballad on here but i think thats because his performance style for it is so visceral and while lyrically its beautiful still i cant imagine myself enjoying them if they were sung by someone else because they need the guts behind it ya know.

A brief enquiry into online relationships - delicious as always matthew thank you this day for our daily bread.

so its either

"I can show you the photographs of you getting on with life I've had dreams where there's blood on you" thank you for referencing the bible matthew very cool.

or

"You build it to a high to say goodbye Because you're not the same as them" because it is like a fucking gut punch

notes on a conditional form - seasoned to perfection. difficult because Guys is on this album and its so sweet but i dont think its my fav lyrically, for no particular reason. same for roadkill although "i pissed myself on a texan intersection" always has a place in my heart.

"I'm in love, but I'm feeling low For I am just a footprint in the snow" did you need to fucking wreck me or is that just for funsies huh?

or

"Don't wanna bore you with my frail state of mind "Oh, winner, winner, that's your biggest lie I'm sure that you're fine" I haven't told a lie in quite some time (Quite some time) "You know we'll leave if you keep lying Don't lie behind your (Frail state of mind)"

Being funny in a foreign language - i take 0 slander for this album because its just as brilliant as the others. so first all of part of the band is fucking art and so im excluding it because it should be all of our favs.

"I've been suicidal, you've been gone for weeks If I'm undecided, will you decide for me?W

and

"'Cause, baby, I'll do anything that you wanna I'll try anything that you wanna I'll find myself in the moonlight 'Cause, baby, I want everything that you wanna And I've tried to just be me, like, a thousand times But you're on my mind"

sorry its so long and i couldnt pick just 1 (not a libra but still indecisive) in order to remain seeming somewhat cool and not a total nerd ive refrained from explaining each choice but yeah.

Welllllll……did you HAVE to bring up “Me” AND “Frail State of Mind”?!? Are you trying to make me cry? Cuz it’s almost working.

It’s weird I’ve always kinda thought of Oh Caroline as some of his simpler writing. Not in a bad way. Like “Me” is simple as well. Simplicity has its time and its place and can be wonderful. And it IS wonderful in Oh Caroline. But I’m a layers girlie, so maybe I haven’t been giving this one much attention *runs to listen to it*

[sleuthy-scientist]

A Mother's Love IV

Jack had snuck into their bedroom when Aaron was cooking Emily breakfast in bed for Mother's Day. He had repeatedly asked Jack to wait just ten more minutes and he could carry the tray into surprise her. Aaron should have known the second his back was turned and he was momentarily distracted, that his son would make a move. He just hoped Jack didn't manage to disturb Emily's slumber.

Jack carefully opened the door, peeking his head through the crack. When he noticed Emily awake whispering to his little sister he wanted to join in. He tiptoed over to the bed using the comforter as leverage to pull himself up. Quietly inching his way over, not intending to disturb his covert observations.

Yet, Emily had known the second he scampered up the stairs, no doubt sneaking away from his father. When he didn't interrupt, she carried on her musings talking to the life growing inside her. When she noticed Jack's eyebrows furrow with a faint sad look appearing on his face she knew she had to cheer him up.

"Baby girl I can't wait for you to get here so you can cuddle and play with your big brother. If only my big and strong 'Jack Attack' was here to give me one of his super duper hugs. They always make me happy, especially first thing in the morning."

Jack giggled seeing her eyes focused on him, knowing he had been caught. He slowly rolled a full turn sideways to land in the perfect hugging distance, only slightly squished by the belly where his little sister currently lived.

"Morning Emmy. I been thinking since you told me a secret, can I tell you one too. But it's not really a secret cause I already asked daddy and Auntie Jess awhile ago. Plus I also talked to mommy about it with my candle last week."

Emily grinned at Jack rambling about what constitutes a secret in his mind. "Good morning sweet boy. My ears are wide open, I am always willing to listen to my favourite not so little man. What's the secret buddy?"

Jack shyly looked into her eyes as he whispered his next statement. "I asked them if it was ok to call you mom sometimes, and daddy told me I had to be sure, because it was a big boy decision. Auntie Jess looked sad but told me mommy would be ok with it, cause she knows you love me like a mommy would and take care of me too. And, she said mommy would be happy, daddy and I have both you and my little sister in our lives."

Jack quickly replied to his own reveal, not wanting Emily to worry, thinking he wasn't sure about his decision. "But, I promise I'm not gonna change my mind. I know you're not my mommy, cause I didn't grow in your tummy, like my little sister, but you make me happy like mommy always did."

He started to worry when Emily didn't immediately reply to what he said, so he tried to explain why he wanted to call her mom too.

"When I miss mommy, you help my heart hurt less. I know daddy is also sad about mommy and work makes him grumpy, but you cheer my daddy up too, and make him smile, just like you always do for me Emmy."

Emily didn't realise tears had started spill out of her eyes, too busy trying to process what Jack was saying. Jack was afraid he had done something wrong and kept talking, hoping to cheer her up.

"When we were gone, Mommy told me, you and her were friends and you would take care of daddy even if we were gone for a long time. She said that you make daddy happy and she was glad he found you, because you're so nice and special. But, I think daddy likes you, cause your smart and pretty like a princess. Mommy laughed when I told her that, but it's true Emmy."

"Plus you help daddy fight the bad guys. And you read me stories, and help scare away the monsters at night. You always play my games with me, bake cookies, watch my Disney movies, and listen to me when I talk."

Emily wanted to respond, but could see he wasn't done speaking. "When I'm with you Emmy, I feel warm and happy like I did with mommy. I know she liked you and would be glad you are taking care of me and daddy."

At that Emily couldn't contain the waterfall of tears that exploded, pulling Jack in even closer, for the tightest hug she could manage with her stomach in the way. She hadn't even considered the possibility of Jack ever bestowing her with that cherished title. She didn't even realise how much she unconsciously wanted him to call her mom one day.

His next reply made her laugh boisterously out loud, knowing he got the wrong impression from her reaction. "I didn't mean to make you cry Emmy. I'm sorry, I don't hafta call you mom if it's gonna make you sad."

With that Emily couldn't stop herself from pulling back to smother his little face in kisses. "Oh my sweet boy, you didn't make me sad. That's the nicest, bestest, most favouritest secret anyone has ever told me. I think the best part of loving your father is that I got you too. I'd be honoured if you want to call me mom sometimes Jack. I love you so freaking much buddy. And I will always love you and your little sister exactly the same. "

Emily couldn't imagine a more wonderful gift for her first Mother's Day. It constantly surprised her, how amazing and loving Jack was, despite all he had been through in his short life. He was the most sweet, kind, adorable, and resilient human being. She couldn't wait to see him thrive as a big brother, knowing her daughter was already the luckiest little girl. Emily just hoped she could be the kind of mother they both deserved, and nothing like her own.

New or old, Emily aspired to be half as good a mother as Jennifer Jareau, Haley Brooks and Fran Morgan. In her eyes, after seeing the love they had for their children, they were three of the best examples of what a caring, supportive, and loving mother should be. Emily yearned to have a bond like they did with children, with both Jack and their little girl.

Emily knew her emotions were a little off kilter, she had been feeling out of sorts since Friday. She just never expected her first Mother's Day, barely 40 hours since she cut ties with her mother to feel so heartbreaking and yet freeing. But, she knew the core memory of Jack's request, she could never forget. The moment forever marked as a day of bittersweet sentiment, she would always hold in her heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aaron was surprised neither Emily nor Jack heard him approach, until he heard his son's whispered confession to the woman he planned to one day marry. It warmed his heart knowing Emily's love for his son did rival his own.

Somedays he wanted to be jealous of this fact, of the way they so openly accepted and loved each other. But, knowing if anything ever happened to him, that they would still have each other, eased any envy he felt.

He was beyond proud of Jack and hoped his son's honest words had been a healing balm to both of them. Hoping it would ultimately put a rest or at least help settle some of Emily's worries and insecurities about motherhood.

She had been giving Jack all the love and attention he craved, putting on a strong and brave face for his son, but Aaron knew Emily had been struggling. Wondering if she truly had made the right decision about her mother, doubting what that meant about her own abilities parenting their children. Aaron wanted to scoff at such a ridiculous notion, but he knew it was something Emily genuinely worried about.

He hadn't minded her clingy and dependent demeanor the last two nights when they were alone. Aaron knew she craved his touch and comfort as she worked through the guilt, hurt, sadness, and the plethora of other thoughts and feelings bogging her down.

Aaron knew Emily truly might be better off without Elizabeth in her life, that it had been her choice to decide to cut ties with her mother. But he knew how difficult it had been for her knowing she couldn't take back the words she had written.

It was out there now, Aaron just hoped however Elizabeth chose to respond, even if she ignored her fault in things, that Emily got the closure she deserved. Even if Elizabeth tried to apologise or mend things, Aaron was well aware it wouldn't magically fix things. Elizabeth couldn't repair the deep seated damage she had caused. Emily would always carry that hurt and pain and feeling of never being enough.

Aaron just wished someone as supportive, strong, selfless, and kind as Emily could see the effect of her contributions and her worth to everyone else. That she hadn't formed such insecurities from her upbringing, experienced so much heartbreak, dissapointment, and pain in her life. But, Aaron also knew, it was because of those aspects, that she became the most amazing person he had ever known.

~~~~~~~~~

The two had been all smiles since breakfast, and Aaron knew Elizabeth was one of the last things on Emily's mind. She was choosing to focus on the little boy who had already given her a better gift than anything they could have bought at a store. Aaron knew Emily hadn't wanted them to make a fuss, she was just happy to have the weekend off to relax.

Yet, his son had been an endless ball of excitement since he revealed his secret to Emily. At almost 7 1/2 months pregnant, he was baffled that she somehow found the energy to keep up with Jack. It was like they were somehow feeding off each other and nothing could burst their bubble.

Emily had always had his son enchanted by her words and bewitched by her presence alone. But, it amazed him, how even with her physical limitations during her pregnancy, she always found endless ways to keep Jack entertained and having fun. She could always coax a smile or laugh from his son, yet today, Aaron was sure their faces would hurt from the constant and infectious joy.

But he was glad, he could tell Emily's grin was just as wide and genuine as the constant smile Jack was sporting. It made him happy to see the two people he loved most in the world, both enjoying themselves. Aaron almost wished the day would never end, wanting this state of peaceful bliss to last forever.

He luckily convinced the two to settle long enough to snap a picture of them, knowing Emily treasured photographs to commemorate special memories and occasions. Aaron knew she especially adored any photo containing Jack or that showcased the progression of the bump that currently housed their daughter.

He planned to have I printed as soon as possible, Aaron knew it was the perfect picture for the frame Jack had picked for his Mother's Day present. Emily would want to hang or display the frame as soon as it was filled with a photograph.

He had no doubt a copy of the photo he had just taken, would also end up in a frame on his desk, or in the middle pocket of his go bag. Aaron equally wanted to display it in his office, showcased with pride, and hide it away to keep for himself to cherish when he was away on cases.

Aaron knew their life together was just as much a dream for Emily, one she wasn't sure she would ever have. He was just glad she had never given up on him, and he was certain she never would. Because she saw him, Jack, and now their daughter as her true family and home. It constantly surprised him her capacity to love others and himself so wholly.

Aaron was truly grateful for all the family/friends, and their endless support in his life. He couldn't believe all the happiness and love he had been shown in such a tumultuous year. He counted his blessings, knowing in a few months, there would be only good reasons to laugh and cry together.

Aaron hated knowing Haley too wasn't here, to see firsthand the endless happiness and love bestowed upon Jack. He knew, he would never be able to make everything up to Haley, like he had planned when he sent them into WITSEC. But it was days like this, he knew he had at least managed to fulfill her dying wish.

Aaron silently wished Haley a Happy Mother's Day, knowing she would take great joy knowing and watching Emily and Jack both literally and metaphorically run circles around him. He knew she was laughing at him in heaven, as he wondered his odds of convincing Emily and Jack to take a nap together, before they wore themselves out completely.

If he was lucky, it would give him enough time to track down where Emily kept her photo paper, so he could print the picture he's taken after lunch. Aaron knew both Jack and Emily would secretly appreciate that extra little special touch of sentiment, for when she unwrapped her Mother's Day presents after dinner.

[slytherinshua]

nvm the episode doesn’t come out until 6am for em im gonna Kay Em Ess (/j) but for realsies why do bad things happen to good people 😭😭😭 i just wanna see my husband Hwang Minhyun

Ugh yeah I was thinking wasn’t it 8:50 KST so still some time 💔💔 I need to rewatch the kiss scenes I literally threw my laptop when the kiss happened I was gone for like several minutes I had to recover

Also I’ve been listening to spoiler from the ost WAY TOO MUCH GOD THAT SONG IS TOO GOOD TO BE AN OST 😭😭

HES SO BF OMG I DONT WANT TO WAIT EXTRA TIME TO WATCH THE NEXT EPS 😭😭😭

ive literally had these screenshots in my camera roll since the ep came out and i keep smiling whenever i look at them omg 💀

LIKE???? THIS KISS WAS EVERYTHING IM SO GLAD WE ACTUALLY GOT A KISS TOO CAUSE I AM TRAUMATIZED FROM LIVE ON 😭 but live on minhyun was still cute and serves plenty of brain rot as well ☝️

STUDENT MINHYUN IS JUST SKDFJHKSD HES TOO DAMN FINE HE WOULD BE EVERYONE'S HALLWAY CRUSH FR 😭😭😭😭 but he'd also be the type of quiet good student who only had eyes for like 1 girl and 1 girl only so rip the rest of us <//3

i have way too many minhyun gifs saved (i may or may not have been attacking one of my friends BUT I WAS ATTACKING MYSELF TOO IN THE PROCESS 😭)

UGH UNIVERSE IS EVERYTHING THE SONG IS JUST WAY TOO GOOD AND HE LOOKED SO GOOD IN THE MV (tho help the mv still makes me laugh cause yk they had no budget when they have to use a western actress 😭)

IMAGINE HIM WALKING U HOME IN THE RAIN LIKE IM ACTUALLY DEVASTED 😭😭😭😭😭😭

THIS GIF HAS BEEN RUNNING THROUGH MY BRAIN THE ENTIRE DAY BCUZ LOOK AT HIS POUT :( HES SO PRECIOUS AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO KISS THAT POUT OFF HIS FACE 💔

GAWD HES JUST TOO FINE FOR THIS WORLD AND I AM #WHIPPED FOR THIS MAN SINCE LIVE ON 😭😭😭😭 (i feel like most ppl see minhyun in aos first why am i low-key proud that i saw him in live on first sdkjsk)

[rainninpain]

My boyfriend of four years cheated on me and thr only reason I ever found out was because he paid this female for sex it was a regular thing between them for several years before he met me. Ive been struggling for awhile with my mental health and was actually in the hospital when he fucked this bitch. He didn't pay her all of what he owed so she messaged me to tell me what they did and to tell me her youngest kid was his.

Before the revelation of cheating came about I handed him my phone one night so he could look something up, I was grooming my dog. He not only looked up what we needed he went to my texts messages and looked for messages between another ex bf and a former fiance. There were inappropriate messages from them talking about sex but there was never any acting on it as opposed to be actually physically got with this chick.

Anyhow for months and months he tried to find more and more ways to make me that bad guy when he crossed the physical line. I never denied those texts were inappropriate in a relationship, but he found ways to continuously find ways to read my emails and messages. First i locked the phone, than my tablet, than my car from when my phone was on blue tooth and than finally my smart watch.

I had been sexually assaulted and he didnt seem to care he pressured me more and more about how we werent habing sex and he needed intimacy and blah blah. He brought this shit up over and over for two years. I asked him repeatedly to table the conversation about our sex life and intimacy but he wouldnt.

Two weeks ago I called him out on the fact that he rarely listened to me when talking to him about anything. He didn't say anything. I asked him how often he was talking to the chick he fucked he said rarely. I already knew that was a lie but wanted him to be honest and he wasn't. Than i saw she was coming to town to visit whatever family she has here and i asked him and he lied again. He than got pissed off at me for telling him she couldnt come in our home nor was i going to allow him to take our vehicle to go see her and/or give her a ride. He laughed and called me dumb.

I asked what normal woman would be ok with their partner talking too and hanging out with the woman they cheated with?! He said probably none.

A week goes buy and I am no longer able to fight with him.about this but asked why he can't just be honest. The next night he sends me a text message, couldnt even tell me in person that he isnt in love with me and hasnt been and all this other fucked up shit. We just bought a $500,000 home and hes planning to move out and take the only car we have and leave me fucked. Tonight he tells me his pos alcoholic former bestfriend got his army disability money and he will be leaving even sooner cus the friend owes him $10,000. I asked if he told Josh we aren't together and he says yeah and wtf does it matter since Josh and I dont even speak anymore. I had to deal with Josh's shit for almost 2 years because of my bf. Josh is an alcoholic and caused so many issues.

This is not the first time Justin hurt me i nearly died in 2017 because of him and a friend bullying me. I NEVER should have trusted him again but I have bpd and didn't want to be alone and he promised he would never hurt me again and yet thats all he has done. My dad died 4 May 2021 and my mom 19 April 2022. So i have had nothing but fucked up shit for awhile now. Which is why my mind goes to the darkest and impulsive places. I hate life more and more everyday. My mom was my bestfriend and we were there for eachother and never abandoned. Now not only she is gone but my dad to and I am alone in this world because I trusted someone I shouldn't have. A pos like him. I should have known better....here i am alone in an expensive house with tons of pets a place I thought i would be happy because we bought it and got this specifically for my mom becauae it is handicap accessible but she died two months after moving in.

I truly no longer care about anyone and anything. The more I allow myself to feel things the more pain I end up in. I just want it all to stop. SI is on my mind constantly. The method I'd use so it would guarantee no coming back. The other times I called my doctor and she called 911.

I'm a fucking idiot and an absolute failure at everything. I can't even work because my mental health. I quit working after my first suicide attempt on 7 February 2016. That attempt was the worst of all and I wasn't expected to make it. Why I did I have no clue. I guess I was a puece of shit person in another life and this is KARMA or maybe its just karma for all the shit ive done my entire life.

I always want to help people and everything I ever did that was good never happened in other peoples eyes. I am the villain. I sacrificed half my life to take care of my addict sisters kids and yet my plder sister who actually did the fucked up shit before and after the kids mom died gets all the credit for everything I did. Thats an entire other situation but it all culminates to now and what I am dealing with. I don't know or understand why everyone hates me, why they abandon me, why the hurt me, what is wrong with me?!? I don't belong on this Earth. All I have is constant unbearable pain from loss, grief, depression, anxiety, sadness, trauma, ptsd, bpd, bipolar. What is the point in continuing to live this miserable life?! No one misses me. No one even talked to me at my mothers funeral.not even the other siblings!