#cause that would just mean more stress
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bunnyinatree · 10 months ago
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Can someone who is well-versed in Witcher lore confirm or deny whether Geralt has albinism? He is listed on the wiki page for characters with albinsim, but seeing as every character with albinism that I know of isnt included, I dont trust the list very much…
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sundial-bee-scribbles · 4 months ago
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I've been looking for this one au where Len basically becomes a mad scientist and turns his friends into robots one by one for a while now, and I'm beginning to realize that I just read through your blog while half asleep a few months back and mixed together my memories of your flower hivemind and composite au
this is very funny to me. i'm absolutely honored this blog's posts were enough to evil-farming-game an entire vocaloid au into your memories 😂
i can give you this doodle; it's composite au but i'm sure it'd fit very well with this theoretical mad scientist len au lololl
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#ask#anonymous#this is ALSO funny to me bc of 'mad scientist' and 'flower hivemind au' in the same paragraph. it reminds me of an old scrapped idea#i had about where tf the flowers even came from in the first place but i ended up never doing anything w/ it#i've been thinking abt composite au though uag i want to do more w/ it... rip the unfinished refs and one google doc thing i have#shaking myself like ITS OKAY IF THE STORY KINDA SUCKS AT FIRST!! YOU NEED TO START SOMEWHERE#cus i mean i wouldve never gotten anywhere w/ Certain Things had i not started with the og shitty versions. which were SHIT#but its wild to think ~7 years later i transmogrified them into the things they are now. wack. makes me wonder what will happen#to stuff im making now later down the line if i go and revisit it. SO CONCLUSION YES BITCH GET OVER YOUR FUCKING ANXIETY#i think my other problem is i'd loveee to reveal it slowly with like art pieces comics etc but i dont got time for that 😔😔#CURSE WITH LITERALLY EVERYTHING I MAKE TBH not just fandom shit but original shit too. i need to get over myself#cause i do know respectfully not everyone has the skill/time/desire to pick apart things for symbolism so a clearer explanation#would prob be more accessible. and easier for ME TOO TO HAVE SHIT IN ONE FUCKING PLACE MAN. actually how i've been taking notes lately#sorry these are some longass fucking tags im talking to myself. just went into a new academic year w a lot of stress#so thinking abt my own crazy stories keeps me sane and makes me feel like i have control over at least SOME aspect of my life#anyways circling back mad scientist len sounds incredible lowkey though lmao. its always the stem lens 😔💔✌️#JK?? but i do joke abt composite au len partly going insane bc he's a biochem major essentially so yeah bitch i fucking get it 😭 no wonder#composite au#<- ??? putting that tag purely for organizational purposes
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friendly reminder that self harm is lying to you
#the worst is when it promises you'll feel better and then you simply. do not. you feel worse and then you want to harm again bc surely that#will make you feel better right? THAT WOULD BE A NO. IT DOES NOT.#anyway today i went to spotlight cause i was sad cause i got the result for my 35% assignment i really struggled with. 32.5%. failure.#and at spotlight i made the foolish error of buying without knowing price. but like who makes a book a normal softcover crochet pattern boo#$55?! anyway it's a lovely book and am excited to try a few of teh patterns but the guilt is eating me alive#and also im super stressed about the assignment i have to turn in on thursday and haven't started#anyway i was literally four and a half hours away from being seven days clean#and i am just so sad right now#and i reopened one of the scars on my wrist too while on shift this morning so that's fun#not badly but it's just gonna mean it scars even more isn't it because of course#i was feeling incredibly awful for some reason i can't even remember and i kinda clawed up my arms. and no i don't count that as#breaking my streak bc it didn't cause much damage#i just. placement is so wonderful but life is so so hard#i don't know i want a hug and the assignment done and everything bad unmade#and the scars i have to look at every day on placement gone.#i want to talk to s but i haven't responded to her last message and i don't know how to respond but i need to respond to that#:((#honestly actually i think i want to talk to aunty. friend's mum. in person. and get a hug. i want a hug.#im just. So Sad. and i want my brother and Ransom and this is not helpinga nd i don't know what would if anything
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veatomis · 23 days ago
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Would it. Be too diabolical if i put lucanis in the tailored to elio version of the regret fade prison.
#varric is still making it into the regret fade prison he's just not the main attraction anymore#neve... so sorry bestie but i dont think her relationship with elio is good enough for her to have the kind of impact the prison requires#harding.... maybe. she and elio were better friends the problem is as a crow idk if he would be that sentimental#about her sacrifice. like i could see him explain it away as her choice#viago is obv making it into the regret prison. elio regrets tarnishing house de riva's reputation#he regrets putting viago in such a tough spot. he regrets looking to viago for familiar ties even if it was a bit long ago#elio's twin luar might make it there too. regrets trying to force a deeper bond with them even tho they were obv not that interested#also in a fucked up way. he comes to regret not being able to help minrathous more because it hurt luar's best friend#neve rather than just because it hurt neve period. (+ it forced luar to take sides and they chose neve so...)#there are also some more nebular regrets idk how to include just yet. elio following the crow's path and using his body to get info#during contracts even if it means he has to suffer thru pretending to be a woman.#elio knowing his ex loves him but choosing his own methods of doing contracts over said ex and causing them to break up#the kind of person elio chose to be. the kind of personality type he's boxed himself into (jokester/shoulder to cry on/defers to his#superiors/doesnt shoot above his station) and how he cant escape that anymore#and the most diabolical one. how elio regrets thinking he could ever find a family within the veilguard#and how maybe he even regrets falling for lucanis (elio did NOT get the dessert thing. he's operating in a lucanis#doesnt reciprocate his feelings wavelength) and how him being so pushy mightve led to lucanis being turned off#from pursuing him while also adding unnecessary stress onto lucanis
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dipyronegirl · 1 year ago
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thinking (and rewatching..) inside job again and i dont think rand is that bad of a father? i mean, he made a lot of mistakes and he doesn’t even feel bad ab it, even tho he traumatized reagan and a lot, but he was never absent. he acts like he cared ab reagan’s career just bc it could help his career, but that’s not true. he pushes her to be the best all the time and it’s bad, but he genuinely cares ab her so much. and the whole ‘creating crises to force her to hang out w him’ thing is fucked up, but it’s cute that he just wants to hang out w her that bad. most fathers literally don’t care enough ab their kids to do any of that. most fathers don’t even know their kids as much as he knows her. maybe my standards are just insanely low, probably, but he’s a better parent than 90% of the parents i know
#not just fathers. my standards aren’t lower for fathers than they are for mothers yk. they’re both low#he’s a better parent than my mom#he raised her being completely emotionally neglecting and putting so much pressure on her to be the genius she is#but i mean#my mom was just as emotionally neglecting as he was. i like telling the story ab how she had me stitch up my own wound when i was 8#and always mocked me for being ‘weak’. exactly like toxic masculinity except that we’re both girls. i couldn’t have feelings yk#rand isn’t as toxic as her when it comes to that. he neglects her feelings and even mocks them too but she still seemed allowed to Have them#if my mom thought i was being ‘weak’ she would scream at me ab how much she wished i had never been born. he doesn’t do that!!!!#like when she didn’t wanna skip 4th grade. if that were me my mom would have made me feel so guilty for being born#like i had to skip grades and actively pretend (i’m talking real acting here) to not be upset or she’d go on her rants#ab how life is difficult and depressing for everyone and i gotta swallow it and like it cause she sacrificed her happiness and health for me#cause my being born made her life so hard etc etc#i don’t think rand make reagan feel like her continuing existence kept him from being happy or healthy#my mom started blaming her diabetes on me when i was 10.#like im not fucking kidding#cause my expensive private school (that she forced me to go to all my life cause it was semi boarding so i had someplace to stay all day and#so she didn’t need to leave me home alone) made her work too much which made her stressed which made her eat more so being diabetic was a#sacrifice she made for my future#that’s just how it was#inside job#text
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bitegore · 2 months ago
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ngl i think i kind of was a genius for being like 'yeah this character is a scary killyou cannibal scary killer who scary kills you' and then realizing that the way my worldbuilding works out is that there's a nonzero chance that if you leave literally any body parts over they can just come back, depending on what they believe in their heart of hearts can kill them. Of course she'd start eating her kills. She probably tried normal stuff first and then realized it didn't work and she had to try harder if she wanted to actually keep them dead.
#red rambles#im working on a character who i made up years and years ago and wasnt even happy with then because he didnt seem to have enough like#interior thoughts he was just like a guy who killed people when he was stressed and his life was constantly stressful and then he killed on#person too many and they were like 'this is fucking untenable and he has to die' and then they killed him#which is soooooooooo absolutely nothing honestly. Like it works as a barebones summary but i want to stress there was actually straight up#nothing else there. the entire rest of his whole whatnot was just being entangled with Haven who is a different character who at the time#ALSO felt unsatisfyingly lacking in interiority but at lesat he had really complex motivations and action flowcharts. that werent just 'i#get grumpy and i just go kill some random person with no regard for what the consequences will be and then i am so mean and i kill you'#now theres a lot more happening. i really didnt. like.#okay so i had a Backstory worked out but it was vague because i didnt know what the fuck he WANTEDDDDDDD right like. i had no motivations a#literally all except 'oohhh i kill people ooohhh i like killing people ooohhh im erratic i kill people' and the background i HAD was like.#Upper class scion of some rich family whose family honest to god just did not like him very much and also [gestures vaguely] i guess he#maybe kicked dogs or something and then he ??nebulous timeline meets haven and then kills his sister or kills his sister and very quickly#thereafter meets haven but i usually lean toward the former because haven LOVES convincing people to kill their whole families its like#cathartic for him because he would love to kill his entire family but physically cannot do it. but like kind of the implications of this#as far as i was concerned given this is set in the mid 1800s was like. ehhh he's getting away with this because he's rich white and male an#it pays to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions or w/e. a genderswap means that she'd be subject to a lot more scrutiny on basis of like#misogyny. LOL. and i already had the preexisting 'hates half sibling' (i genderswapped the sister into a brother because why not) and 'hate#parents' and 'parents strongly dislike her' and 'unsettling' and it worked nicely to start giving me actual fucking. Literally anything to#work with there. because it means that by going off with Haven she walks out of one situation where she has like 0 agency into another one#and like to be clear i respect anyone who is sitting around in haven's general vicinity for snapping and just starting to kill people. me t#but this works. SOOOOOOOOOO much better for real#im still working the kinks out but like also this means that she wins. she wins like multiple times actually. she comes closer to killing#haven than anyone since he learned what fucking species he was and causes him more trouble in the interest of getting the FUCK out of there#than anyone else has and then she fucking gets what she was going for against literally every effort haven could've made over ~five decades#get owned loser.#every time i draw her i cant help it i write some shit like PLEASE JUST GET DIVORCED on it even though i wrote the fucking narrative i know#it will never fucking happen and thats why she does all this shit instead#in another world she'd be like the wildly capable owner of Raytheon 2 or some other shit like that. like she'd never be a nice or good#person but she wouldn't be dead. god she could be in charge of a country or some shit. Alas. Please get divorced.
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todayisafridaynight · 4 months ago
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Since you mentioned it, what did you think of Speak No Evil? I was thinking of watching it myself :0
i really liked it ............ my friend scoffed at me when i told her i was watchin it so take my opinion with a grain of salt tho </3
#snap chats#SHE DIDNT EVEN WATCH IT BUT W/E SPOILER FREE QUICK REVIEW DOWN HERE HIIII <3<3<3<3#ive been made aware my tastes are. Questionable so proceed with caution vlklvjv im so sorry if i convince you to see it and you dont like i#moving on I Have. done nothing but listen to Eternal Flame for the past week its been stuck in my head ever since#BUT FR as i said I Really Liked It. i heard that theres another/original version so i wanna watch that at some point#if i care to remember and find it vjaelkjeakl but as This Movie On Its Own i had a swell time !!!#it does a really good job of teetering that line of#'this is just a quaint little sometimes-awkward get-together' and 'this is so stressful i just might throw up'#it did a good job of keeping me invested and on my toes i guess- it bitters innocuous scenarios really well which i like#like i wasnt sure WHEN whatever scene i was watching would turn sour but i always had that feeling it /would/- that lingering feeling#the horror in this is more psychological than violent- it only gets crazy by the last quarter honestly#which isnt bad! i like psych horror and Christ. the amount of times i was just grimacing in my seat like Suspense Is The Word#like imagine a dinner party where people only say controversial things and you dont want to blow up the situation#so you just try to be really polite about pivoting from the topic. but they keep going. thats basically the horror of this movie at its cor#i do have SOME comments about some bits but i wanna rewatch the movie at some point to be thorough on my comments jglejlakj#yk do a rewatch where im. NOT jokin bout with my brother- THO TBF DESPITE THAT I was still invested#like its premise is so. simple? in concept imo. but 'simple' isnt automatically bad in my eyes and i really liked how it played out#i dont watch movies much tho so maybe its been done different but there is ONE thing tht definitely made me like. HUH#but its nothing super major i dont htink? I MEAN IT WAS KINDA BIG BUT there were signs to it being revealed. still it made me vjLJ like god#i cant explain tho cause SPOILERS but ... Yeah. its not that crazy it just definitely took me by surprise for how quick the reveal was#tldr: if you ever wanted to watch an awkward dinner party where you couldnt do anything about it this is the movie to watch#and i like that. i like that because i hate myself apparently jVLAEKJVAEKLJ#coupled with horror it was also funny at times which i felt did help with that underlying 'when will this be tainted' horror#i really liked that ... when normalcy or the feeling of safety can be taken away in an instant#if you watch it and wanna talk bout it more in depth ill prob have rewatched it by then and id like to give a more. Detailed review#OR AT LEAST ONE NOT SO RAMBLY VELKAVJEALKJ im not good at reviewing things .... i just know when i like or dont like somethin ..#ive only had my bro to talk bout this with and he doesnt really. Give his thoughts or opinions too much like i do#so id be happy to talk bout it and get your perspective !!!! but only if you want Again if you dont like it im so sorry erlakjaekl#god theres so much more i want to say but im just rambling and i wanna be brief for you my friend vlakjlakvlkj#anyway yeah. those are my quick thoughts. i was Very Normal about james mcavoy for most of this movie ty for reading
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the-kneesbees · 8 months ago
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uggh I'm gonna cry
#i lowkey miss when i had no friends 😭#i got invited to my friends birthday party and i really really didnt want to go#cause theres like 10 other people going and i vaguely know 2 of them#and theyre all kinda mean#like in the way your friends are mean where its clearly a joke#but im not friends with any of them-#qnd like in any other circumstance it would be fine#but its a POOL party#and there was no chace i was putting on a bathing suit and swimming#but i also was not ready to deal with being the weirdo who doesnt swim at a pool party#like i was really dreading this party#so i made some lame excuse#which is technically true#my brother DID break q bone today and my parents ARE being dramatic and i AM gonna have to wait on him#but thats not q good reason not to go#i was just really freaking out about this party#and its prob not a big deal and she definitely doesn't care as much as i think#but i feel so bad for being flaky#plus i already feel like a couple people there dont like me#so if my friend mentions why i didnt go theyre gonna think its a dumb excuse#i should have made something up but i had already said yes cause i couldnt think of anything#and then my parents wrre at the hospital for a really long time so i didnt know what exactly was happening#and i did genuinely think when i texted her that it was more serious and there would be no chance they could take me#qlso they both have stuff to do tomorrow (party day)#and i am actually gonna end up being the one helping him get water and stuff#but it just feels like such a lame excuse#idk#its just when im with these people (the ones going that im not friends with)#i constantly feel like i hace something to prove or theyll think im weird#and its so stressful
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sschmendrick · 8 months ago
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I kinda miss hanging out with old people. All my friends used to be old people.
But the older I grow, and the more I'm expected to behave well like a normal adult, the harder I find it to keep those links. I'm lost between trying to stick to a script I don't know the words of to have a proper normal and interesting relationship for them, and allowing myself to screw up a little, be boring, be interested in stuff they aren't, having opinions they don't agree with (for silly stuff like music, though yk me), not be cool. Cause the latter stresses me out. Cause I see no reason for people to want to be friends with me if not that.
#also defining your relationship to old people who already have a well established family is hard when growing up#cause they were just my friends at first#and they helped me find a safe space#and they were like a chosen family#and then their adopted daughter hated me cause they had a friend that was her age and it messed up with me#now i feel so stressed out about it. i feel so stressed that i am taking space i shouldn't. that i am making their other friends and#family that have been there for far longer uncomfortable with just my presence#and i know i was just a depressed teen and very sensitive to this shit and people keep saying that it reveals more about the other person#than you (as it's not the first time i was left to deal with people's opinion of me FOR THEM)#but it just felt like i wasn't allowed to express my discomfort and i just had to swallow the way their reaction to their emotions impacted#me and handle it on my own#and I think I'm still hurting from it#cause I got no support#i'm just asked to sit there and take it and act as if it meant nothing#...ngl saying it writing it stating it feels good because i've held onto that for years and years and I couldn't say it#i wasn't allowed to#even my psychiatrist (when I had one) told me it was nothing and to ignore it#I just wish people could say that yes it's not okay. that i'm allowed to feel how i feel. i wish people would recognize and understand#what i mean when i say that.#cause what is it worth when i'm the only one saying it to me and the only one agreeing that it's true#i hate that i need people to agree and make their agreement vocal to help heal that inner child that was always told to push it down#cause what else ?#sometimes I wish I could see young Leska cause I know I'd be among the only ones to give em a hug#I just want to take them in my arms and tell them that it'll get better. That we're not out yet we still need to fight but we will#eventually#hopefully
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qwuilty · 2 years ago
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i do not have the brain power to like make these like Proper Drawings but i want to get him out there so. what would you do if you saw him press X if you would slap his shaved head and press O if you would slap his shaved head
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago
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...
#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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medicinemane · 11 months ago
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You know, it bothers me the way it seems like people have totally forgot about Iranians... thought we were all on the same page, wasn't it... women, life, freedom? (I legit don't remember, but the reason for that is it wasn't my slogan to say. Maybe it sounds strange, but that's how I felt, so I never actually wrote it, which makes it harder to remember)
Just feels like for a brief window there we were all talking big talk about supporting them, but then it all kinda dried up
I'll be totally transparent about one of the reasons this keeps coming up for me, russia is a major ally of Iran, Iran supplies the kamikaze drones russia hits civilians with... you know they're not giving them away for free... I worry what the Iranian government uses anything it gets to do... I don't really hear anything from Iranians anymore (though once again I fully admit that most of what I was hearing was second hand, I never had found an Iranian to directly follow... I don't know if anyone's still talking)
I just... I legit worry that people talk a big game about Gaza right now, but will they in a year?
I'm frustrated because a lot of the support people and causes around the world get seems like it's almost more self masturbatory than anything real... sure, everyone really well and truly means it, but then they get bored and it's on to a new cause
So I worry the support will be fleeting... and I see some people really getting down in the mud in ways... well, I'm not a people keeper, I don't get to tell people what to do, but I wouldn't be very pleased if I was acting the way I see some people act and my real point is I worry they're doing all this shit and they're not even gonna stick it out with the cause... seen people get bored and dip to many times to trust it
I'm not perfect... I have a shit memory a lot of the time, and I got a lot on my mind, but I still remember Hong Kong... at least sometimes... even looked into it from time to time and the news never looks good
I remember the Uyghurs, though my shit spelling always makes me look it back up. I think about Syria and how forgotten they are. I do actually still keep up with Ukraine... and then I see connections between russia and Iran and assad and...
I don't know... this stuff eats a me a little... not a lot, not more than the helplessness we all feel about bad things beyond our control usually does... I just worry about people, how they act with shit
Worry that you roll around in the mud too long it starts getting hard to wash off, and I worry that people sometimes get in the mud less cause they're trying to help anything and more cause sometimes it feels good to have an excuse to get dirty... righteous anger that makes any behavior permissible
I don't talk about current events that are on everyone's radar nonstop cause I don't want to burn support out by just overloading people with horror... but I generally find murdering innocent people to be a bad thing, so yeah... I want to see a fucking ceasefire already
Don't talk about it, but I actually do care quite a bit... and I worry... I worry that it'll be forgotten the second the news cycle moves on like everything else is
Worry that every bit of vile behavior I've seen that was for high minded goals will turn out to be dropped in an instant...
Almost like that's not a bug, that's just the point
#sorry; no reblogs for this one... I'm not letting someone 5 reblogs outside my sphere start going on about something insane#I don't like talking politics and I don't like talking discourse#both to keep things civil and cause frankly I don't need the stress of arguing with people online#not when I don't think it'll be a good faith conversation; when I don't think it's a disagreement in how to make things better#just that I need to totally agree with everything they say; and really they just like arguing#but certain things eat at me... the way people act eats at me#and seriously; I mean every word; it eats at me every time I think about how forgotten this stuff seems#I think people meant their support; but where is it now?#I don't think I've seen Iran mentioned in like a year#I don't know how to help... believe me; if I could play Captain America and save the day I would#if I could give Iranians the freedom they asked for I would in a heartbeat#I don't know how... not like congress listens to me or I'd change a lot#kill that kosa bill or whatever the horrible acronym is... sent one of those auto email things about it but.. just one voice#lot I'd change... wish I had energy to do more#you know; friend of mine often talks about this group in Iraq that's faced a lot of genocide; she's American but she's worked with them#love if I could do more to help there too... reblog when she says stuff though I know we all have limited bandwidth#I don't know... it bothers me though... it's like we're led around by the nose when the news cycle changes#not saying not to care about what's happening now; but when the other stuff didn't stop happening...#and then there's the fact that frankly even people I like a great deal; absolutely adore...#I see them... slipping... getting into some nasty behavior... and I worry#but I doubt they'd listen much... the times I try to nudge don't seem to get much results#and if someone won't listen pushing harder does nothing#...who's to say I even know a thing? that my morality isn't broken in ways I can't see?#but I worry... I worry about people... I worry how easy it is to manipulate good and smart people I know#and I worry about everyone that we seem to keep forgetting#worry a whole lot; a lot of the time... about policy and international relations and about who we're choosing to be as people#but would you believe this is just background stuff for my depression?#this is just the seasoning for why I should blow my brains out; it's rarely why I say I should#in spite of all that worry it's not even the main thing that makes me want to die... just stuff I can gesture to and be like... that too#I'm tired... wish I could... wish I could tell the people I see slipping to grow up... to step up... but I don't think I can
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giantkillerjack · 1 year ago
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"Oh, Jack. You silly boi. You know that help at the top of the stairs is no help at all."
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Art piece i may delete later about my parents offering money to me and my sisters to pay for either grad school (a thing I don't want and can't do with my disability) or my wedding (also a thing I don't need/want), but not for anything that would actually help me escape poverty and find stable housing and income.
Like, I recognize the privilege of being able to complain that my parents have offered me a bunch of money but in the wrong way.
But also if that money is on top of a flight of stairs that I can't climb (but my sisters can), then I haven't really been offered money, so much as I have watched money I need be placed somewhere I can't reach it. Which tbh feels worse than if it was never mentioned to me in the first place.
I was gonna send this art to them and i wrote this big long message to go with it, but then I decided to wait until my therapy session on Tuesday to talk it thru with her first, since I've literally never regretted doing that.
Besides, both of my parents are lawyers and right now they're providing me and my friends with a lot of free legal advice about this property we're trying to buy together, so I don't want to rock the boat currently.
I just wish I knew if I had access to that money as a poor person in need of stable housing and quality disability care, and I wish my parents weren't world-class hLepers who have a long and triggering history of engaging me in rigorous debate about the kind of help I should be allowed to receive from them as a disabled person.
Nothing like having to provide an argument that would hold up in court every time I'm sick and need help! Love that! Love that I can't even talk about money with them now without having invasive thoughts about it for days to come due to past incidences in which this repeated behavior of theirs literally endangered my life!!
Not like I need that mental capacity for working on the largest and most exciting opportunity of my life that also happens to line up with my hopes and dreams for the future!! It's fine!! What do I even need mental capacity for anyway?????
This wouldn't even be the first time this little Distrust Fund has caused problems for my relationship with my parents. They are very opposed to that money being used to help my disability and it has caused PROBLEMS for us that we have never quite recovered from.
It's just difficult to be reminded that although our relationship has gotten better (mostly thanks to me setting boundaries), that doesn't mean they now actually believe what I need for my disability when I tell them.
They really do love me, and they have only ever acted with the best of intentions . But good intentions cease to matter when the impact is harmful and repeated. And they have proven to be repeatedly incapable of providing non-ableist support for me again and again and again. They've even genuinely tried to learn; and sometimes it really seems like my mom has made progress with her therapist (who is disabled), but who knows when I can so jarringly be reminded of how quickly that toxic ableist thinking can show its ugly face.
It's so clear to me and they don't even know it's there.
It feels like I'm in a horror movie when I try to get them to understand their own ableism, and that is a good good sign that I may want to consider an approach that minimizes my mental damage instead. Even if it means I don't get their stupid, deeply-conditional-and-yet-the-conditions-are-SO-vague-and-they-won't-admit-it money.
#original#diary#ableism#ableism cw#if they actually trusted me they'd just give me the fucking money but WHATEVER#maybe it's cause of all those times i was really reckless and irresponsible with money-- OH WAIT. THAT HAS LITERALLY NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED#I GRADUATED BUSINESS SCHOOL WITH HONORS AND HAVE NEVER HAD ISSUES WITH OVER-SPENDING#maybe they subconsciously think I'm stupid w money bc I'm poor. but i doubt my sisters could just get the whole lump sum either.#I HAVE BEEN LIVING FRUGALLY MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE YOU BASTARDS#I would say there's a 5% chance they pleasantly surprise me but I have to be careful not to spend too much energy on it#the invasive thoughts around my family's ableism are super aggressive and constant when they start#and so i would rather have no help than that stinky-ass hLep that hurts my brain and heart so bad for days after#hLep#anyway i don't want their help paying for a wedding bc i am housing insecure with no income and so is my wife#and besides that wedding planning is hard and stressful and involves either including or snubbing relatives i don't like#so like if you offer me thousands of dollars i would be like Great! More savings means more safety and security!#i would NOT be like Okay time to spend $2000 on fucking flowers I have SHIT GOING ON#if i have a wedding then the cost will be the cost of pizza for all the guests.#also govt says i can't get married or i lose my disability payments so ryan and I just decided we are married years ago#i need SO much disability care equipment that i don't have and i am unable to hold a standard full time job#but yeah sure maybe I'll go get another DEGREE despite my interests being completely non academic. fuck OFF.#i have been writing or making art about this all evening this is not how I wanted to spend the evening it is past 4am#hopefully this processing and drawing and journaling will allow me to remove this issue from the very forefront of my mind#it's a careful line to walk between processing and obsessing. but good processing helps you stop obsessing#hopefully I can save some of the more painful parts of this for therapy so I can focus on other stuff for the next couple days#listen if interacting with someone in a certain way makes you feel like you're in a horror movie then something needs to change#and sometimes the change is that we need to make literal and emotional distance between us and those people bc they aren't learning#okay okay time for edibles and a shower i fuckin earned it and even if i didn't I can do whatever I fucking want 👌#and also I deserve nice things by default#and so do you
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magnoliamyrrh · 1 year ago
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crispysnake · 2 years ago
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icewindandboringhorror · 2 years ago
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mentally ill people who for whatever reason end up wearing the same exact clothing so many days in a row that it begins to disintegrate and will still not stop wearing it until it’s literally just scraps of fabric VS. those weird shitty rich people who ‘’can’t be seen in the same outfit twice’’ human dichotomy 
#poast brought to you by my pants that are missing an entire leg and completely open in the back and the front almost#to the point they could not really be considered pants anymore (I wear lots of layers so i have shorts under them but lol)#I tore them again sitting down and it made me introspect about when it's time to throw clothes out and how everyone has different standards#and etc. Like how some people will get stains on clothing and just throw it away#.where others will keep wearing stained stuff if they have an attachment to it. etc. etc.#or like One hole in jeans is okay but 20 holes is Crossing A Line - unless they were made that way as a fashion trend#which then made me think about those people who like.. change clothes multiple times a day and never want to rewear stuff#and just have a constant stream of fast fashion etc. Anyway. not a real dichotomy. just being silly. i like to think about humans behaviors#brggghghb.. still not being very productive as I just keep having flare up after flare up of various chronic issues I have so I'm feeling#sick like every few days but always for different reasons. As if something has increased the general  inflammation in my entire body#and its just bopping around making different things worse here and there. but I'm not sure of any underlying cause.#theorectially could always be stress since I am often stressed but I don't feel stressed more than usual. I have no infection markers#on blood tests and my covid tests so far have been negative. I guess my body just felt like 'hey happy new year. would you like.. uhm...#some... Problems.. as a treat? OuO''#I mean I'm lucky at this point that I don't have a condition that makes me completely bedridden or something and am grateful for that but#having so many smaller issues in the background overlapping all the time can be ehxausting and make it feel like a larger issue#because you just never get a break. once one problem clears up it's another. etc. modifying diet. supplements. doctors. new issue. new modif#ications. new doctors. new this#new that. etc. For my body to reach some sort of non-inflammed stable state I feel like I'm going to have to just be suspended in a gladd#*glass antigravity chamber for 3 years eating nothing but basic gruel and iv liquids. something so bland and so untriggering of anything#that literally nothing can be inflammed or etc. lol.. Though I'd probably still somehow have joint pain even with nogravity.#ANYWAY... I did finally edit a new sims video. for the few of you that follow my sims youtube. I have costumes totally ready to post I just#literally havent had the energy to queue up the photos. STILL WORKING ON EVIL WORLDBULDING SLIDESHOW task of  epic proportions#. other videos. other stuff. I've had to spend some time on social stuff since I really ned to get started finding friends in the potential#places I'd like to move so I know people when I get there. as it takes me like years to trust someone. but hjgh... I am so like. inherently#unrelatable to the average person. at least the avg people on friend making sites and stuff. I even made a perosnal compatibility quiz#but again.. thats something most people don't do lol... ''buhh just text snapchat me & get to know me through conversation why should i take#a 15 minute quiz up front?'' shut up. i woudl LOVE to take a custom compatibility quiz before talking to someone. its efficent. you will nev#er get it. that is a positive to me. if only anyone else did that. if only. (I'm being jokingly rude. its perfectly reaosnable for people to#have different standards and communication styles. etc. etc. lol) ANYWAY.. tldr me sleepy and feel bad no productive wehh
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