#cause my mind fucking sucks
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#will delete later#yall i actually feel like im losing my mind#have really been fighting my depression the last couple days#it’s so fucking stupid cause i don’t even have depression#but i just recently like within this last week#lost the friendship i had with a couple of long term mutuals#who i kinda shared things with.#and now without them i have no one to talk to or support#and like i’m not blaming them it’s for their best#but i’m just considering if i should take up sh again just so i have an outlet#cause my mind fucking sucks#and tbh i can’t imagine myself happy in 5 years.#i know what i want but idk how to get there.#and i’m very fucking alone and hate myself and feel like i need to lock up my personality so no one can see
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Pokeymon
@ask-willowleafeon @ask-shiny-umbreon
#fuckkkk pokeask nostalgia got me by the throat. I can’t do this again Im not strong enough (does it anyway)#drawing eeveelutions is always fun Theyre so shaped. theyre up there on fav pokemon to draw right next to dratini. and maybe shinx#these two stick out to me in my mind just cause like. their designs are so good it kind of squishes my brain the right ways#I never got to draw Percy for an ask or anything but he is. very creature#and willow of course I have a soft spot for. shes so sweet and gentle uuhghhgghhhh I love her#fuck dude .maybe I will come back adhd be damned. I dont fuckin know. really tempting rn#I tell myself that but deep down I know I suck at roleplay. but maybe I’ll do it. but I suck at roleplay. etc#btw leafeon should be allowed to be autumn coloured without being shiny. it would fix me. I just want Some Guy dressed like a maple leaf#without the awe of being a 1/1000 chance. I don’t CAREEEEE gimme the crunchy red leaveeeesss#I also wanna draw Gardevoir with a barn owl face. and leafeon with seaweed leaves#aaahhhhggghhhhh clenches my fists#pokemon#pokemon ask blog#pokeask#others oc#ask-willowleafeon#ask-shiny-umbreon#Percy umbreon#willow leafeon#myart#my art#pokemon oc
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Ok guys it's time to talk about the Veil coming down for a moment instead of swallowing the agenda veilguard and trespasser intentionally set up to present solas as a valid antagonist.
First, the residents of the Fade. Spirits. Are. People. SPIRITS. ARE. PEOPLE. Should they not have rights? As a result of the Veil they can be summoned, bound, twisted against their purpose by others, and are treated as objects or animals by the majority in Thedas. They are pulled through where the Veil is thin, corrupted against their intentions, and most likely slain. They crave the part of the universe cut off from them so strongly that they turn to possession to interact with it again.
Not to mention everyone who has to live with the fear of that possession, and the effects that has on the greater world (circles). (Oh btw. modern tranquility? gone overnight.) Not to mention the massive power divide among the population by happenstance of birth it creates.
"But Soup!" I hear you cry, "There will be demons everywhere if the Fade is everywhere!" There will be demons, yes. But there will be spirits, too. (Demons are spirits but that's another discussion.) Besides, are there not metaphorical demons among the waking already? Bad non-spirit people seem to be pretty endless based on how much killing is going on in Thedas, regardless of demons.
I will admit, there is an argument to be had about bodily autonomy and suddenly becoming immortal. But how much is that perspective influenced by us as the audience being human? Accepting our own mortality, instead of considering a different, natural way of life in a fantasy setting? And let's think about what else the elves will have access to. The Fade. Memories of their ancestors, now easily accessible. The Dalish would be able to reclaim their heritage. And of the city elves we've seen in the South? (I'm thinking about Sera)... Chantry propaganda sure is a bitch, isn't it?
And, thinking practically? It's a non-natural construct. We've seen over the past games that it's basically tattered already. And now, [[VEILGUARD ENDGAME SPOILERS]] it's tied to whether or not ONE PERSON, (who can very easily be argued struggles with SI), is alive. If Solas dies, goodbye veil. Immediately, with no precautions. Doesn't sound like a very stable situation, hm?
#yep just saw a post about how his only motivation is But I Miss It And I Cant Be Wrong#time to post this#fandom critical#solas meta#dragon age meta#solas dragon age#solas#dragon age#veilguard#this isn't a veilguard c-it post this is a i am solas' defense attorney post#my first dragon age meta essay and it's a doozie!!!!#veilguard spoilers#SCREAMING#personal log#free my man solas was right#this is one of those where it's like do not @ me you cannot change my mind#the veil fucking sucks and causes more problems than it solves
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OKAY! Chatot rant in tags below! Read at your own discretion.
#okay starting from the beginning of where ppl usually dislike him. apple woods chapter.#he doesn’t give hero/partner the CHANCE to explain themselves despite them being relatively good recruits up until that point.#and that legit might be my only gripe with that chapter bc!!! stories need conflict! I LIKE the conflict in apple woods!!!#hero and partner being punished so something they didn’t do!#the misunderstanding! how team skull (Skuntank) actually outplays the main duo with a clever yet rotten trick. I LOVE that it segways into-#one of the more sweeter scenes of guild members looking out for eachother. I LIKE APPLE WOODS CONFLICT.#but chatot just. not giving them a chance. is so dumb.#I’d personally fix this by having a lil montage of hero/partner fucking up on jobs. A LOT. and chatot giving them a pass every time.#and let the perfect apple incident BE the one where he puts his foot down and doesn’t listen to them. bc he’d given them loads of chances.#and doesn’t want to hear any excuse.#but yeah. I legit dont mind him during that chapter except for that really stupid and frustrating moment.#NOW. CHAPTER 17.#UGGGGHHH WHERE DO I BEGIN#Him not believing hero and Partner about Grovyle and the future being in ruin? FINE. ACTUALLY GOOD. BC CHATOT WOULD BE SKEPTIC.#IT FITS HIS CHARACTER!!#BUT WHAT DOES SUCK. IS HIM GOING ‘Dusknoir isn’t the bad guy. he didn’t do anything wrong’#WHEN HE LITERALLY KIDNAPPED HERO AND PARTNER RIGHT I N F R O N T OF HIM.#(NO LITERALLY. HIS CHARACTER IS IN THE FRONT ROW WHEN IT HAPPENED.)#and him. having the GALL to tell hero and partner they must’ve been ‘seeing things’ and downplaying the HELL they went through.#despite them being missing for hours/days. his own guild recruits. and his angry sprite showing up.#like. I think that’s when I genuinely despised him.#that and him going ‘OH I BELIEVED YOU THE WHOLE TIME HEEHOO :)’ shit was so fucking annoying.#just playing it off as a joke the second the guild started to believe hero and partner.#IMAGINE IF HE W A S ACTUALLY TESTING THE GUILD’S TRUST. SHOWCASING HIM AS THE MORE RESPONSIBLE AND RESPECTFUL RIGHT HAND OF THE GUILD.#and yes. Brine cave he saves hero and partner. but at that point I just didn’t care anymore.#he fucked those two over so much. that I didn’t care what ‘valiant’ sacrifice he had.#and he grills Team Skull for what they did OFF SCREEN. they couldn’t even give us THAT.#<<< THAT or him outright saying sorry would’ve been nice. IKIK his ‘actions’ or whatever but.#eughh again this is all imo. I’m not trying to make people hate him or change their mind.#I’ll get into positives in the second post cause I’m running out of tags
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n*loth not being able to bag anyone over the (human term) age of 25-30 at most is the only logical and real conclusion to me because it can be just explained away as him wanting to prove and control everything and anyone (Cus he's a man!) but being stuck in that demographic because his unbearable and vile personality is a force that nobody can look past once they've outgrown the possible fear and idolization period of anyone but also n*loth in particular.
#text#i think even younger ones that possess the same nasty traits can be slammed back 'In their place' (in his mind) by him just bc his -#- abilities and power alone (alt. name the factors that make him 'Cool') that dumbs them down insanely in comparison#maybe by this i mean like; ild*ri. despite the animosity she could still feel very foolish and is conscious of her wuss-ness#if that makes sense#cause no matter the disrespect anyone might have for an older capable person the reality is still reality#tbh i just think he doesn't like to sweat it much and still aims for the younger ones bc it's easier than it would be for someone that's -#- 30+ years old#and once he's proven his point he doesn't find any merit in sticking with older ones cause their interests or anything they offer -#- don't matter to or interest Him personally#i think an older demographic is just more boring to him and he would rather spend his time being metaphorically sucked off for his greats -#- by someone that already finds themselves 'lesser' than him and always will for a long time#than someone that is defiant of that fact#basically the more power imbalance the better#in his mind there will always be one unless he certainly knows someone is his equal (or better than him) but he likes the add-on of an -#- age difference too#keeps it in a safe zone with less problems for him#sorry for spitting again my brain just started machine-gunning thoughts for no reason#also i said before that he's an innocence fan. might not be a total puritan but there's something there#it's kinda like him not wanting to be with a dusty ''OLD'' person that's seen a lot anyway#i'm like barely able to hold myself back from opening my mouth to mention t*lvas where i'm making a point about n*loth's brain where he -#- isn't even needed to prove it#but like#him voicing dislike of n*loth general nauseating character and actions but still sucking up to him while n*loth can probably feel -#- that dislike anyway is cute to me i like to view it as an object being thrown into the wall over and over#where n*loth is proving his own worth to other people by drilling their brains out with proof. not that he needs to#but he would like that to be perfected a 100%#and t*lvas is capable of being molded into that state ....... probably#silusvesuisuis you didnot just confess to wanting to see t*lvas be slammed into a wall you fucked up demented beast you're sick#actually can't believe i forgot to mention this but he's literally so immature idk what he has anything in common with actual mature people
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"it's always hating on rhaegar for rhaenys and aegon's deaths never tywin" because rhaegar was their father and had a responsibility towards them that tywin did not, stay in school
#personal#anti rhaegar targaryen#fandom critical#like one it's because tywin's blame is very uncontentious#it's just everyone and their mother going 'yeah he ordered it' and agreeing that he sucks for it#i have my thoughts on tywin's culpability (mostly that i do believe he didn't mention elia if only cuz she never crossed his mind)#(as he's a raging misogynist and i do believe that he was annoyed that lorch and clegane were as brutal with children)#(since it's not the best pr)#but it never extends to a lack of culpability on tywin's part#meanwhile rhaegar stans (why does he have them? who knows couldn't be me i'm normal) wanna pretend like this isn't his fault#when it IS#he was elia's HUSBAND! he was rhaenys and aegon's FATHER! it is his JOB to keep them safe during a war HE STARTED!#rhaegar had a responsibility to do whatever possible to ensure the safety of the children he chose to bring into the world and their mother#instead of going off to fuck a girl the same age as most high school freshmen!#rhaegar chose to abandon his family to the care of his violently crazy and racist father#who he knew was violently crazy and racist#unless he was dumb as rocks he was not unaware that no matter what this was not going to end well for elia and rhaenys and aegon#but he did it anyway and that does make him culpable for what happened to them#he had a responsibility to all of them ESPECIALLY his toddler and fucking baby and he FAILED that responsibility#and it is his fault that they were murdered#that is on him#it is not solely on him it is also on aerys for not letting them leave the city even once the cause was doomed#and it's on tywin for ordering their deaths and on lorch and clegance for doing the killings#but it is ALSO on rhaegar not just for creating that situation but abdicating his duties to his family to be a fuckass predator#this is like sixth grade reasoning honestly#i think some of you are just incredibly stupid
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tumblr stopped being fun at some point in the last like 3 weeks. i hope it comes back. i feel awful.
#i wish guilt wasnt a factor here#i feel bad about not providing content#idk i just#its 7am here and i havent slept quite yet#im really sad right now#like on the verge of tears but theyre not coming#im saving up to get back on hrt but its so fucking goddamn expensive#my hormones are having a fucking hard time balancing themselves i think#like theres a mountain of problems im faced with right now and theyre too real and i just want to burrow into the recesses of my own mind#and like stay there forever#it sucks when the “i feel broken” thing is manifesting in very real ways#when like your mental health issues are causing real tangible problems n shit#ive been too depressed and lacking in motivation to do anything with my life and its put me in a hole i dont feel capable of crawling from#im just#endlessly frustrated at my inability to function#which gets more potent the longer it goes on and the worse things get#blegh when did this become a vent post no thanks#whatever#people have already unfollowed me in the last 2 weeks of inactivity why should i hold myself back from posting this#i feel like im supposed to turn to drugs at this point lol#like thats the logical progression here#shame thats not a thing im willing to do#unless someone links me to a dubious but entirely safe source of adderall or something#amphetamines save me.....#i need sleep#fuck
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268 hours of vods to catch up on across 22 streamers... in just 4 days
#mine.txt#+ the non-streamers when their vids come out#gonna watch the streamers vids too ofc but theyre not as much of a priority unless they post about something not seen in their streams#genuinely would not mind if the lsers started doing lower energy style of episodic editing like oldgen mcytbers did#would honestly prefer it actually since its my preferred style cause im hashtag old#but i dont really expect any of them to do that cause artistic integrity + yt algorithim lol#at least more and more of them are getting vod channels now#watching vods on twitch fucking sucks#downside is cant see chat but whatever
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Wanna write to escape crushing loneliness but I hate every word I put down :)
#shade speaks#vent#it’s tiny but for tags sake#I love living with a friend group that isn’t mine#super nice peeps but I am so lonely it’s not even funny :)#I feel like I’m left out of everyone’s lives :)))#someone put me out of my misery#I’m not even a side character at this point#I feel like a nuisance and I can’t even do anything#this stinks#whoever said college was gonna be the best years of my life#I didn’t believe you#and you’re a fucking liar#don’t mind me I’m wallowing on my blog lmao#also going home sucks cause my parents and I keep fighting lol#I just live far from everyone I know :(#and I don’t really have any friends up here#well I have four but they have their own lives u know#sigh
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something that's been weighing on my mind ever since learning about the situation with ezra / toonimal is seeing how these predators will take the active hostility that is frequently directed towards minors in online spaces to their advantage and use it to prey on vulnerable children. i think that we as adults in online fandom should probably come together and maybe rethink the language / manner we go about interacting with kids bc clearly the way things are rn is causing active harm.
like obviously, if you're an adult and aren't comfortable with minors interacting with you or your content, you should be allowed to set that boundary and should be vocal about it, ( especially if the content you create isn't safe for them to consume. ) but i don't think talking to them like they're a blight on all that is good and holy is the way to go about it. maybe just saying you're an 18 plus account will suffice, you don't have to tell them to fuck off.
#i'm opening myself up for ppl to leave the stupidest takes on this post but whatever i need to get this off my mind#before anyone says anything about the kids on that website. they're grooming victims. they're literally kids being taken advantage of#show them some fucking kindness and be understanding that they're the victims in this situation#idk what it is about becoming an adult that causes so many ppl to lose their empathy towards minors it's weird#like yeah kids can be annoying and pushy on online spaces sometimes but a lot of them are old enough to know online etiquette lbr#alot of us were annoying kids on the internet at some point we should understand that you don't just. get a handbook for how to act online#that's shit you learn overtime but ppl seem to forget that#they also seem to forget that talking down to kids isn't gonna teach them shit they're not gonna listen to you if you treat them like idiots#what i'm trying to say is that we really need to talk to minors more respectfully and maybe give them a little grace#( obviously there will be situations where some of them need to be yanked up by the collar but there's ways to go about that >>>#without treating them like shit )#these kids need to know that there's spaces for them to be online safely without having to stumble into places that'll pray on them#we all know how much it sucked to be a kid online we should want better for the ones coming in after us ya know#sorry if this comes across as preachy it just breaks my heart and boils me blood to see kids being taken advantage of like this#especially when there's ways to prevent it idk#how do i even tag this....#mj.txt#there's trigger warning on the linked post btw#tw csa mention
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worst thing about getting into bsd rn is my trusted sources telling me that the fanfic fucking sucks like ok WHAT am I supposed to do when I finish this then
#the main concern in my mind when watching smth is just the fanfiction it's true I will watch smth just for fanfic. suck it up#hella needs to write her dazai character study so I have smth good to read at the end of this WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL THE FIC SUCKS#I gotta gauge how bad it is. I gotta ask her if it's bad cause SHE'S picky#(completely understandable as she's THE QUEEN of writing only things that he would absolutely fucking say)#or if it's like. completely unsalvageable. cause I tend to be more forgiving with fanon then some of my mutuals I think#I get annoyed with fanon but I have to bake in it first#I have to spend long months comparing and contrasting the most popular fics with my understanding of the characters#and my understanding of the characters also has to bake for months in analysis tumblr posts and shit#but like. immediately after finishing something? my range for what I'll believe he says is a lot wider#so I need to know if I can go in a fugue state week long garbage binge at the end of this or if the fics aren't even good enough for that#WHATS WORSE. WHAT'S WORSE. SHE SAID THE MAIN SHIPS ARE VERY NARINESESQUE#DO YOU KNOW HOW DEVASTATING IT IS TO KNOW SHE'D COMPARE THESE SHIPS TO NARINES. BUT THE FIC SUCKS???#I'm starved for narines I'm looking for substitutes AND THE BSD FIC SUCKS???
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therapy is out writing fanfic of your favourite pathetic wet man having the same issues as you do is in
#not equipped for rambling#gonna write an arthur lester fic to get some shit off my chest#that man has been through everything hes the perfect little ragdoll for my troubles#i havent written anything in months either so#i think itll be good for me#problem is i have a hard time remembering events and keeping them linear#so if i wanna do a chronological telling ill have to scour the malevolent wiki#the whole dreamlands thing is a blur in my mind#like. events in the story are just sections to me#i dont remember shit about fuck when it comes to the details#so im gonna have to research that#this is why i just kinda stopped listening to tma. names and events/dates are my adhd worst enemy i was so lost lmaoo#sucks cause i love the characters and premise too :[#anyway yeah
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Got my hair cut last night and I feel fresh and clean 😌🙏
#-pers#work has been looney tunes but i kinda just dont care. like ill do whatever then clock out.#like they made me officially responsible for my own case load but that case load has 600 patients. and they keep switching what i am doing#within the same day because they cant make up their minds.#well. im chugging along on whatever. im gonna bounce if they split hairs about what i do and dont have done at this rate if they cause an#issue with it. ridiculous#sucks i have this fucking car payment now i feel slightly more chained to my paycheck but i also am not opposed to blowing my life up so#whatever. itll be fine. probably.#i guess this is kinda a vent now#-vent#for devolving tags. but the important thing is my hair is cut. it is fresh. and it is clean. fuck the rest or whatever 💀
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internalized homophobia will have me unironically acting like a 6 year old who just learned what the term ‘gay’ means cause what do you mean “i can’t wear those socks because they have a rainbow on it” ????? just wear the socks???
#it’s so dumb but there’s always so much inner conflict when it comes to me wearing openly lgbt merch and stuff like that#which is honestly ridiculous cause i’m like the most clockable guy ever#but around cishet people i’m always trying to distance myself from my queerness as much as possible and it’s honestly so exhausting#and stupid too#there is no good reason for me to be agonizing over fucking socks#my posts#i went through such a bad “i’m one of the good ones who doesn’t make it my whole personality” phase at one point#and honestly oftentimes i can feel it still in the back of my mind and it absolutely sucks#and it’s ridiculous from an objective standpoint too because homophobes aren’t gonna make the distinction of#“good and bad” they’re just gonna see us all as queers who need to be eradicated#queer#lgbt#internalized homophobia
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I kinda really hate how I've been treated throughout my life
#Entire life of abuse and neglect and mistreatment only to always be told none of it happened. To the point where I really struggle with#thinking that I made it all up or that I'm overreacting or faking or playing the victim constantly#I honestly try my best to move forward and I want to be happy. I see absolutely zero point in wallowing. Others can if they wish‚ but I wan#to enjoy my life at some point. I think I've gotten better the past year- In great part of my dearly beloved- but it's still so#deeply difficult. Interactions so commonly feel like a trap and there is the perpetual sense of being watched and monitored#I often feel like a prey animal that is cornered and my only options are to take it in fear and die or to lash out and hurt the other party#I think I'm not as mean as others in this system though LMFAO. I'm not like Roxas who once compared a friend of ours to our parents during#an argument.#<- Not to say Roxas is a bad person. He's a severely hurt and traumatized kid who kinda only knows how to lash out to protect himself#Sighs. It's complicated. I do not wish to be someone angry like Roxas or Lexi. But they actually talk back and stand up for themselves. And#the system as a whole. Whereas I fawn and take it and then wonder why I always want to kill myself 24/7#I don't really know how to speak up for myself because it really feels like every single time I do (Or just voice an opinion confidently in#a group) it goes horribly wrong and people get upset and angry with me#And then people being angry at me causes major fucking spirals because it reminds me of my mother and then I start feeling like I'm going t#be fucking berated and have a metal crate thrown at me again 😭😭😭 Or get kicked out of the car or given the silent treatment etc etc etc#Which is a me problem I need to get over my fear of people being mad at me because it's an inevitable fact of life but. Hashtag severely#traumatized and still actively being traumatized by multiple parties#And also being in my own head and existing is very fucking harmful! Being in a mind that is so aggressive and destructive... It's difficult#to just 'get over' my issues‚ you know? So whenever they come up I try to just isolate so I don't cause any issues#<- Unless it's my histrionic stuff acting up. Then I'm complaining like hell because it feels actually fucking painful to not be receiving#attention during those breakdowns#Anyways! I kinda fucking suck and hate myself right now and want to kms. But that's how I am 24/7 so whatever#tw suicide#⛪️
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lallalaallala my favorite boys
I feel like Hajime would be able to acknowledge his feelings at some point while fuyuhiko wouldn’t really try to come to terms with it until someone else says something about it
man, I love this ship so much actually. I can’t tell if I could call it a rare pair or a decently popular yet heavily overshadowed ship??? it has a decent amount of supports hiding in the corners of tumblr, ao3, and a very deep corner of tiktok but not many people know that it even exists, and to me this type of ship doesn’t sound that rare or anything.
#hajime hinata#kuzuhina#fuyuhiko kuzuryu#goodbye despair#art#hajime x fuyuhiko#it’s just a random ass doodle#I was gonna draw their arms linking closely in some sort of way#yet..#I’d have to make Fuyuhiko get on a stool for half of the positions in my mind for them#it’s sad how they both need so much fucking therapy and help#it sucks when someone says their least fav is Hajime cause ‘he’s boring’ and hate on him with no real reason#like….ohh the way I’d rant#also the way my blood boils when someone makes content of a ship and a person goes ‘so *insert character* doesn’t exist????’#like if you don’t ship that thing it’s completely okay!! but don’t bring another character into that lmao??#an art#kouzay’s art
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