#cause I dont feel that thats entirely true even if it sometimes feels that way when my brain gets all dark
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microwave-prince · 4 months ago
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Sometimes it makes me feel a little better bout my lack in like...people to directly talk to or gush to like.. imagine I haven't met the person yet cause they're still brewing. Or I'm still brewing. And we are being primed for the right time of meeting each other.
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narcissism-awareness · 1 year ago
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i feel like you're kinda downplaying the possibility of pwNPD being abusive. your blog has a "oh it NEVER happens" vibe. im not officially diagnosed, but my psych test did end up showing symptoms of it. however, i do have bipolar, and the reality is that i have hurt people and that my mental illness *was* a factor in it. it didnt exist in a vacuum. especially when i wasnt medicated.
like i dont blame people who see me having BP and wanting to move away and call them ableist for that. my mental illness will forever be a factor in the way i experience world - and im not saying OH I WAS AN AWFUL PERSON TO THESE PEOPLE, but i mean it in a way "my cycles of mania and depression have hurt people dear to me, even though i wasnt directly hurtful to them". they couldnt cope with it or my needs and thats okay.
i feel like youre being rly dismissive of people who were abused by people with personality disorders. i was abused by someone w BPD and their mental illness *was* a factor in it. the same way my BP/OCD/BM/ADHD affected others. its dishonest to pretend NPD exists in a vacuum.
I never claimed that it never happens, just in most cases of people calling abuse "narcissistic abuse," their abuser was actually self centered or egotistical and not diagnosed with NPD. (most cases, not all)
It is not ableist to call out abusers who have NPD, what's ableist is to call an entire mental disorder abusive. Or to blame abuse on a mental disorder.
While sometimes we may unintentionally hurt others due to our symptoms, abuse is a choice. People choose to manipulate, use, degrade, and gaslight others. That's not something that happens as a symptom of a mental disorder.
It is true NPD can make us to have little regard for other people and their emotions, which can cause some unhealthy and unstable relationships. But it does not cause us to systematically abuse others?? Thinking that is ableism.
However I acknowledge how you said my blog can feel dismissive of abuse victims. Obviously, in any scenario abuse is not ok. Victims should be able to get resources to escape and recover from abuse. But ableism is not excusable just because your abuser(s) had a mental disorder.
The goal of this blog is to call out ableism and spread awareness about NPD. My posts are usually very matter-of-fact because of this, which may make me sound dismissive to abuse victims. (Keep in mind I am autistic and narcissistic so it's hard for me to judge how others will receive my tone)
I apologize for this and will try to be more welcoming to abuse victims when I can, but the main goal is still informing people about NPD and debunking ableist stereotypes.
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lets-jam · 3 months ago
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1, 7, 16
im gonna do this for 2077, tho if anyone else does one feel free to specify a fandom
1 - the character everyone gets wrong
hmmm a tie for me between alt and goro takemura. alt ranges from like a generic 'good woman' to the far more common evil manipulative bitch which like. id be more upset about but given we get NOTHINGGGGGGG in terms of content for her about her like i cant get TOOO mad... I GUESS. i just certainly think shas far more multifaceted or SHOULD be far more multifaceted than.... whatever the hell we got. like i think theres something interesting with her setup being like 'sharp netrunner who got hired to make something she probably very well knew was... designed to kill people and could and would be used to kill people, who had her 'curiosity take over' (some fact i heard somewhere) but then also chickened out n tried to stop it last minute, and ultimately was one of the first subjects it was used on killing her body and forever changing her entire being, being forced to survive in a cuthroat alien world of no human basis despite still 'thinking' like a human, being even more forever changed by that and like kinda playing with this idea that yeah it is unfortunate that like traumatic shit not of our choosing can like irreparably change us not for the better, and that we can have dignity/human-ness given back to us by being treated as such even if its alien to her now. course like then its... id prefer her story not being so weirdly tied to johnnys as like a girl he happened to be fucking because... she was there i guess. and thats our only like reference point for her. which is all to say she has the potential you know? and alot of people dont... get that imo. for a cyberpunk setting shes really interesting case of how/what gets treated as a human and what we do when we dont have that treatment/what we do when we're given it back smthn smthn at what point does a self end (with memories? with how we're perceived by others? etc etc) but of course we didnt get to deal with any of that cause the game refuses to even ask these questions about johnny in any real fun exploratory way. and shes only in the game cause johnny fucked her and accidentally killed her... so yeah. and then GORO god this is mostly just me beefing with all the fucking idiots horny for this guy and like he gets fics n posts made about him how he would 'abandon arasaka for youuuuuu 😚😚😚' no he wouldnt! you are literally peon trash to him! he was chosen by a god emperor and elevated in his mind! he straight up believes capitalistic order is fine cause who cares doesnt affect him anymore and its a necesarry thing! which i like! hes completely head over heels for his corporation like a true 'samurai' ie serving a lord above everything else, even 'warrior code' if that ever mattered to him. hes been deepthroating the boot for years n loves the taste! he has never once thought in his life that you were his equal, and he has never once thought of you as a friend he sees you as a true means to an end full stop! hes not some secretly good bushido samurai man! which like more people should run with! if he was given a choice between arasaka and your life he would choose arasaka 10 times over like, hes terrible and i like that, everyone else seems to not.
7 - what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?
fandom antics have really made me dislike this one complete side character like this person has like 2 lines but caused such fights in the fandom that im like i guess this is real to you. some gay guy and some woman fought over this side characters sexuality and one like made some weird kin claim to posting edits of him and like!!!! sometimes i have to remember people are unwell. it was fun for a time to watch ppl bitch about that for a while n see all the vague posting that or goro for reasons stated above
16 - you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)
lmao sex god johnny silverhand. and related to that johnnys hologram being able to physically interact with v outside their body... ppl took like some 'its there for the cinema' stuff where he shoves v and like grabs their hands and ran with it now we have hard light hologram sex everywhere... even tho ppl shouldve just gotten freaky with it and had them like possession mutually masturbating using vs body like them as a single...being, cause again vs body is the only real thing in this equation and id like abit more realism if im going into some silverv smut, but those are few and far between the hologram sex featuring hologram cum and hologram fingering it just bugs me casue like the draw for me at least is they cant interact like normal separate people, nor can they 'feel' as in feel things like normal separate people, nor ARE they normal separate people like their whole setup is weird, they are literally the same person!!!! and i hate it when people dont get weird n creative in those paramaters with what we're given. esp when johnny flat out says 'masturbation is the only way for us to have sex' too. plus i love the draw of not being able to love or live or interact like you want to... famously i love a 'love' that cant be for whatever reason, despite it being there real girl what were you doing at the devils sacrement self report but it did bug me
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battleangel · 6 months ago
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Its currently 88 degrees in my apartment and has been 90 degrees all day.
I dont use my air conditioning.
I dont have central air.
I have a wall unit in a 1 bedroom apartment.
I am in New Jersey and there have been heat weeks the past few weeks with temperatures in the 90s and 100s with extremely high humidity.
I have a single ceiling fan in my dining room that I utilize.
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As you can see, I dress light & minimal.
I also stay hydrated & drink plenty of water.
When its really hot, I will sometimes just remove my clothes & be naked.
Is it warm? Yes.
Hot even? Yes.
Uncomfortable? Yes.
Stuffy & humid? Yes.
Unbearable? No.
And thats the lie.
Thats the lie of modern life.
That a fan simply isnt enough.
The EPA advises that the average American keeps their air conditioning thermostat between 68 & 72 degrees all summer.
That is fucking disgusting.
The EPA suggests keeping thermostats at 80.
I suggest turning your AC off and just using a fan.
Wear light, minimal clothing or take your clothes off.
Stay hydrated & drink water.
If youre still hot, place a bowl of ice cubes in front of your fan.
You can also place ice cubes in wash cloths and apply them to your underarms, back of your neck & groin area.
You can also place a wash cloth under cold water and place the damp cloth on the back of your neck.
You do not have to have your AC blasting at all times while indoors over the summer months.
You have been brainwashed & conditioned to expect this & to do this.
Americans use 90% of the worlds air conditioning & we are nowhere near 90% of the worlds population.
Need more of a reason to turn your air conditioning off even during heat waves?
•The cooling industry accounts for 10% of global CO2 emissions.
•Americans consume more energy for air conditioning than the rest of the world combined.
•The number of global cooling devices is estimated to increase from 3.6 billion to 9.5 billion by 2050.
•HFC emissions are projected to contribute warming equivalent to 20% of CO2 output by 2050.
•Air conditioning in the US releases approximately 100 millions tons of carbon dioxide into the air.
Air conditioning was only invented in 1902 — literally about 100 years ago.
It is essentially a brand new invention when compared to the rest of human existence — so why do you think that you cant live without it?
Yes, buildings are architecturally designed differently since air conditioning became ubiquitious around the 1960s in the United States.
Buildings used to be designed for the hot air to rise to the ceiling and now they are not designed that way as the built-in assumption is air conditioning will be utilized as 82% of American residences have either central air conditioning or wall units.
While that is true, I am living proof that even during heat waves with triple digit temperatures and extreme humidity, you can absolutely get by with just a ceiling and/or box fan.
You dont need artificially cooled air to survive.
You have just been brainwashed to think that way as an American as nearly every single indoor building — whether it is an indoor arena, movie theater, shopping mall, restaurant, office, hair salon, nail salon, massage parlor, retail store, department store — all has air conditioning absolutely at full blast between 68 & 72 degrees the entire summer.
That is absolutely not the norm anywhere except America which is why we utilize more air conditioning than the rest of the world combined.
Only in America can you literally go days, weeks and even months without ever encountering air that hasnt been artificially cooled.
We shouldnt shield ourselves from the impact of the climate change that we humans have caused.
We should be uncomfortable!
We should feel what the real temperature is outside and what we have caused it to be with all of our as a species collective damaging ecocidal actions to our environment.
We are killing the planet and the earth.
If we dont change, earth will be uninhabitable within 100 years at the absolute most which is why Elon is already planning to colonize Mars.
We humped, pumped & dumped one planet — earth — so why not another?
Our ecocidal actions as a species has caused extreme climate change impacts creating the heat waves that have been observed across the country all summer long, record shattering temperatures & natural disasters.
I have lived in New Jersey for 42 years and for the first time in my life this April there was a 5.2 earthquake.
Americans are addicted to air conditioning period.
Stop the addiction.
Turn off your AC.
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peronasbeloved · 9 months ago
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🎫 here's a gush pass ^^ feel free to gush about whichever f/o you want, however much you want, then send this ask to 3 other self shippers (optional) !
(if you dont wanna do it thats fine too ✌🏾) -@gideongrovel
i held back on answering this for a hot minute because i have this weird paranoia that if i were to ever say a single incorrect thing about my fave i’d just die from embarrassment and i still haven’t finished rewatching thriller bark so i’m not done refreshing my memory (one piece is loooooong, details slip from my mind sometimes) but you know what .i don’t wanna wait any longer cause i wuv her… it’s hard to even put my thoughts in a cohesive way so this’ll prolly just be gibberish almost
UM SHE IS SO CUTE. IDK IF U NOTICED BUT SHES FUCKIN CUTE. most adorable person ever mayhaps? completely true it’s been fact checked? but seriously just look at her fucking look
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her pouting face like r u kidding me. i’d die for you . i’ve already said this somewhere on this blog but she’s the only op character where i equally enjoy her pre and post time skip design like i just think both are amazing. more proof that she is perfect in every single way
i just love her so much she’s so beautiful and cute and confident and i love her attitude . she can be as rude as she wants i do not care i support all her wrongs. i think one of my favorite moments is her unwillingness to back down even when facing kuma like she rlly looked at a twenty-something foot tall warlord and went ‘nah, i’d win’ and like she DIDNT but like she didn’t back down and i think that’s so cool… her power is just the coolest too fucking everything about her is cool. she’s the coolest girl you ever saw
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i feel like this also goes without saying but just her entire design plays a huge part… she just has the best taste in fashion and speaking of that i just always feel this connection to her cuz we share interests maybe that’s surface level but… i too, love gothic fashion and spooky gothic castle. i too, love stuffed animals. she likes STUFFED ANIMALS and she’s a VILLAIN??? like come the fuck on character of all time
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SHES SO GOOFY SILLY TOO SHE MAKES ME LAUGH SO MUCH
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UMMMM so basically p.erona best in da world
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grhrhgGhGrhgghhGhh !!!! AUHGHGHFHSHXHSHHHGH.l.. yeah. 🧍
i’m not sure who i’d pass the gush pass on to, uh i don’t rlly have anyone who i’m close to around here yet (many followers though, which i’m so so grateful for i appreciate every single one of you!) but sure i might do that part too. why limit it to 3 though, everyone deserves a gush pass. in da whole world
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abimee · 1 year ago
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I appreciate you saying that so bad because it really is true how detrimental the obsession with youth is for so many teens (who are so impressable, making it a recipe for disaster) and young adults. Cause as someone who sometimes struggles with that sentiment still for having had BORING teenage years and still being so socially stunted as a young adult having felt for so long I had failed something along the way, making me feel worse abt myself but like... Truthfully, being young is so boring. I'm thankful for older people in my life constantly telling me that really wanting to hurry up so much is pointless - what do we even expect to do?? Stuff that looks cool in movies? I may be a loser for some, I may think I am a loser sometimes, but according to what and who lol. And I'd rather face these things as a mature adult rather than a pressured, impressable teen... Idk. Sorry if this is just rambling really. But it being pointed out makes me feel better and I hope it makes others feel better too. Especially with the loneliness epidemic of right now :(
no absolutely i get it. as someone who so said had an ''interesting'' highshool/teenager years i can safely say that it really sucks trying to cram so much experience into such little years because like
okay the way i see it is trying to make tyour teenage years jam packed with interesting experiences sucks for when you hit adulthood because adulthood is VERY SLOW and BORING as well. youll get to habe more interesting experiences but thats also because you have like 60-70 years and a lot of power in getting to make those experience, while as a teenager you only have like 5 years of this supposed ''golden time'', and then youre just not prepared for how slow and boring adult life is and you get caught up in nostalgia of the ''old days'' and entirely forget how much it fucking sucked to be a teenager because you only remember the glory moments. like ive done so much as a teenager i wish i could nowadays like drink heavily or break into abandoned houses with friends but those high moments often gloss over my memory of how powerless i felt as a teenager with my problems. so like theres nothing good to come of trying to see your teenage years as the most interesting time of your life and that if you didnt make the best of them youre ''boring'' or ''a loser'' because it just doesnt matter to people except for those who peaked in highschool and can only live caught in their past and their former glory.
its so so so so so SO okay to be a slow grower. the idea of needing to get all your experiences out as a teenager is sooooo stupid and theres no timer on anything in your life that dictates it has to happen before X year, thats just the obsession of youth talking and its tootally normal and okay to not have or do things until way later in life. like for me personally i still get caught up with how many people in their 20s are all getting married and i fall down this sinkhole of ''everyone younger than me is MARRIED but i dont EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND'' before remembering that it doesnt matter. it doesnt matter if i get married age 22 or age 62 they dont have goddamn timers on when its acceptable or cool to have your first kiss or get married ITS THE OBSESSION WITH YOUTH TRYING TO KEEP US DOWN FROM. REJOICE IN DOING THINGS SLOWLY AS AN ADULT
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magnoliamyrrh · 2 years ago
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It really sucks bc I’ve had this sneaking suspicion since my early adolescence that I was molested by a preschool teacher. I have no actual memory but just a combination of UTIs + sadomasochistic behavior + nightmares + hypersexuality later made me suspect. But like. It could have been from everyone and their mom in my Balkan family constantly groping me :/ like it’s already blurry in my head this is just confusing me even more but at the same time I’m not sure I wanna know
thank u for sending this, i know its hard to even write this shit out sometimes. im sorry you went through any of this. yea, i went through a long period of not being sure what the hell happened if anything at all too. i still do at times. all the same symptoms + i also thought for a long time that maybe it was from all of,, the other stuff instead of anything else. its rly hard to try to make sense of it all, especially at those ages, and tbh yea, all those symptoms could v well just appear from the general family shit, especially depending on the severity of what was allowed and starting/ending when
... i think its fair to not want to know. i think its rly fair and normal to b either entirely opposed to knowing or just anxious and adverse sbt it. missing as well as blurry memories at those ages can v well be just normal, theres plenty of things ppl start to usually forget, but,, they can also be a sign of your brain trying to protect you from shit it deemed too hard/too much/too distressing to handle.. and that's,.. fair. thats a survival adaptation.
when you go knocking on the locked doors in your mind its often far from a pleasant time.. and tbh shit tends to get worse before it gets any better. On the other hand this is just. personal philosophy/conclusion; i think... the only .. way to Really truly deal things - the issues themselves not just the symptoms caused by the issues - is to face them. must go through the eye of the needle sort of thing. this is how ive dealt w recovering from bpd, ana&mia, and ptsd shit and generally got myself to b a lot more sane, after a period of time in which it drove me more insane. this is what psychedelics reinforced in me anyway.... i dont recommend going poking around in your brain too much if youre not in a remotely stable and safe environment,,, i did that, not the best time
poking around and trying to figure this sort of shit out can often turn into a whole spiral. be gentle with yourself, dont try to rush yourself into wanting answers, and take care of yourself. sometimes it is best to let your brain let you know about things when it deems the time is right, rather than trying to tear down every door
but,.. . something that my ex whose also been through some pretty severe shit said to me when i was falling down a "is this real?" hole: you kinda just.. you feel it. somewhere if youre being real serious with yourself, deep deep down inside you know if you know. we never really forget things. somewhere, they are ingrained in us, our bodies remember even if we dont.... and, tbh, the other thing is. people see it on you. like, recognition of the self through the other sort of thing. something that always got to me before i actually rly idk accepted a lot of things is how much i related to ppl who have also gone through that sort of stuff. could just b the family shit but also 🤷‍♀️ . even if it isnt i guess the question would be, what is the drive behind your suspicion. why there. why that teacher or why a teacher. why that time and place. does it remind you of something else or another time?. and on the flip side.. something else that ive learned is that. predators see it on you? they truly do. i remember when i was questioning shit id tell myself, well, both of these things cant be true right??? thats ridiculous, who has that sort of luck to not only deal with this weird af normalized family shit + other stuff?? i must just b exaggerating things.... except in reality, most predators can tell which victims are vulnerable and they can most often tell which kids have some sort of history of sexual trauma. once it happenes, its actually statistically more likely that it will happen again...... which really fucking sucks
idk, i hope any of this made sense i probably went on for too long but. im rly sorry again u went through any of this im v much sending u a virtual hug. i rly do get the frustration and confusion and... all of it. im sorry but also, thank you for sending me this bc its... both horrible and comforting at the same time to know someone else has felt this same mess. i hope youre going to find some consolation and peace and healing soon <3 <3
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wasabijean · 1 year ago
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osmosis jones fandom and leah estrogen (a very brief rant)
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the way people treat her as character sometimes is so... girl. I dont Expect anyone to suddenly be a leah fan like her role isnt as large compared to drix or thrax even
But oh. 2014 osmosis jones tumblr. was something else. people would entirely ignore she existed cause she was “boring” but really it was because she got in the way of popular mlm pairings. it was just misogynoir.
it was bad. and i dont understand cuz leah has always been my favorite? leah is just so good. she's headstrong and smart and caring, but hesitates and overthinks a lot ! and sometimes she feels so unsure of herself, and yet she cant help but keep hope and believe that things can get better for ozzy, for the body, for herself.
and like we dont get to know much about anyone's background really in the movie until the tv show, but even then it doesnt go into that much. we dont know nothing about ozzy’s parents or why he joined the force or anything! same with thrax, he has his goals but why isnt explained.
even so! one can still assume and headcanon things and with leah she has so much potential
yes she does fall into the stereotype of black woman who's independent and needs no body, But thats Not even true with the movie
it’s shown she needs ozzy and ozzy needs her, and because she tries to do everything herself and feels like she cant even trust her own boss/mayor, it nearly costs her life
so yeah. im yapping and this is long but point is. leah can be just as developed and deserving of fanfare as thrax or drix
we put your girl of color in the fandom and they made her a big buff amazon mommy with a hair trigger temper. yeah she only exists to attend to the emotional needs of and/or step on a dainty white lady character now. sorry.
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the-smiling-grinner · 11 months ago
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hey uh dont read this 👍 TW vent
okay so basically everything has gone to shit. lets get a lil back story here
so ill be 17 soon (terrifying) and it will be almost 4 years sober of everything and i could not be more miserable. when i was 12 i abused perscription medication during the 2020 lockdown and in the process got into other things (cigs and alchol).
i dont really think that anyone understands how deep it goes. i mean think about it, a 12 yearold already suffering from halucinations, delusions and other things. on two kinds of anti psychotics, drinking, smoking and taking way to many pills. its pretty messed up.
my parents had never been the best but a brain tumour caused my mother to become abusive. i dont remember much of 2020-2021 bc i was either high, drunk, in a psychotic episode or sometimes all three. but i remember some things and the things i do remember are bad. it got so bad that i barely knew what was going on half the time.
safe to say my appearence was less than ideal. i wore a covid face mask constantly. even when you stopped having to at school. and i still wear it. simply bc i know people will make fun of me for it more than they already do if i take it off. as much as i want to stop wearing it, i know i cant.
my hair was dyed black and greasy, my achne was bad and my teeth were messed up. i was over weight, then under weight, then over weight again. i was hidious. evey photo taken of me, i looked through the camera. i had nothing left behind my eyes. i was so close to giving up entirely.
my mother had her brain tumour removed and my life was starting to take shape again. thats when she came in. she was beautiful in every way. i hated her but i loved her all the same. she caused me so much pain but it felt great.
it seemed like a good idea at the time. to date her. but i soon deacovered that she was not like she seemed. in many ways ill not describe. she ripped me appart, absolutly gutted me from the inside. i developed FND (look it up i cant be bothered explaining). my life was starting to go down hill again. i felt sick constantly. my halucinations were terrible and my mental state was even worse. i had sezures and headaches every day.
then we broke up. it was drawn out and long but to leave it all behind was freeing. i felt free for the first time in months. then she back stabbed me. i wont say what happend but this is the reason i can not trust people. my paranoia is through the roof. i constantly think about how everyone is conspiring against me and that they arent really my friends.
anyway. enough about her.
i am lonely and i fear that i will always feel this way. i have friends and a boyfriend yes but they also have friends. my halucinations icolate me. i behave agressively and erratically. nothing as bad as 2021 and 2020 but still bad.
i dont know what to do so i throw myself into school. its all i really do anymore. that and pretend i have friends. i sit at the kitchen bench and speak to no one. i have many friends there. i can act how i want and they like it. i have no one to talk to about this.
i try to talk to God but i feel bad burdening him with it like i am with everyone else. i dont feel good enough for God or any one for that matter.
im nothing like the pretty Christian girls on tiktok who look so pure and sweet. the look so kind. true women of God. i am not. i try to be but it never works out. i look scruffy, my hair is always messed up, i wear weird clothes, im rude, i cuss way too much and im just not a very nice person to be around.
i want to be tho. more than anything i want to be kind. i want to be good enough. and it doesnt even seem like im trying.
i really want cigs and alchaol. to medicate like i did all those years ago but i cant. sinning every day with small things is bad enough but those are worse.
i do my best in school and thats enough. it makes me feel like enough. im good at school. im good at it. im not good at many things but im good in school. i got dux in two subjects last year and finished top 10% of my grade. thats enough right?
every day i feel my sanity slowly slipping away. being replaced by paranoia and horrible halcinatoins. i tell myself that ill never get as bad as i was back then but deep down, i want it. bc this time, people would see it. they would know how bad it is and how my jokes are just a cry for help.
i have been put on more medication as of recently and im scaired. i dont know what it will do to me. will it kill me? will it make me put on weight? who knows. ive already had bulimia i dont need it again.
on top of this, im loosing my best friend. i can see how much they suffer. i can see how bad it is for them. they have made heaps of new friends recently and i am so happy for them but we so rarely talk now. when we do, its great. we used to see eachother every weekend, now we dont. i ask first to hang out and i feel bad, like im forcing them. i dont want to force them.
there was more i could have done for them that night. if it wasnt for those drugs. those fucking drugs. the dugs that i took to take me away from everything. to make me happy. but i wasnt happy. i was insane. i was deranged. surely anyone who looked at me could see it. that night i ripped out 4 teeth. one of them was an adult tooth. a mf adult tooth. i tore out a tooth. i was 13 by then.
i have to make my parents happy and when i dont i feel bad. i want to make my dad happy and go to his house but i hate that house. i want to make my mum happy but it always ends in an argument. i want to make my friends happy but i cant and if they can find friends to make them happy. then thats okay.
i just dont know anymore. everything is so blury. the paranoia is imence. i hate it. anyway. hope no one actually reads this.
there is SO much more but this is all for now
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ghostypetrainer · 3 years ago
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oh god it must be trippy as shit for kuroaku/ingo
cause hes both people, the implanted memories dont fade, the old ones just come back. he still responds to kuroaku. thats part of him. thats still him. and he still misses the leader, and all his friends there, and akari. he knows it was wrong, but sometimes he still wants to go back.
I do wonder about this!! There's a lot of different ideas rattling around my head as to what a post-team chaos Ingo could look like!!
The ideal reality is one where he slowly starts to recover his previous self- it's a long and drawn out process, one that they probably could make faster by use of a psychic Pokemon of their own, but at this point... that's risky. They don't want to chance damaging Ingo's psyche anymore, even if the slow drawn out process of him returning to himself is painful to watch. But eventually, he returns to a point where he's mostly his old self, even if there are new parts mixed in that didn't fade entirely. He's not cruel like Kuroaku was, but takes to expressing his negative thoughts more freely than before, though he generally tries to coach his words into something less biting. He recognizes his friends and family again, starts responding to his name again... but he and Dawn always still call each other Akari and Kuro.
He's also deeply haunted by guilt for the rest of his life, but his friends and family's forgiveness go a long way to helping him move on in spite of it. He can't really wear black anymore, so he switches to wearing a lot of purples instead. It takes him awhile to face the Pokemon he gained during his time as Kuroaku head on, but he can't abandon them, and they slowly get to know their trainer's true self even though he's aware they are probably some of the few who miss him as they once knew him.
There's probably also a reality where Kuroaku and Akari flee after Team Chaos is defeated. Their own plans to rewrite reality to make themselves real failed too, so they instead choose to disappear. They're afraid of disappearing into their old selves, and they know it will happen if they stay. So they hide, living as uncle and niece in a remote town somewhere (maybe the scarlet/violet region?).
They find their own version of recovery there. There memories are still a fragmented mess of truth and lies, but they find a balance between them. They have each other- a tiny little family where they both have the unique experience of being themselves, even though themselves did not previously exist. They feel guilt for leaving their old loved ones behind as their old memories slowly start to mix in with the fake, and sometimes they send letters- taking care that they're not traced back to them. They don't know if they ever read them or not. It doesn't really matter.
Their old personalities emerge more, but they're left with good chunks of their new ones too. Kuro is still a cold man on the surface with a sharp tongue, but his kindness shows through his actions. There's no Pokecenter in town, so the kids living there take their injured Pokemon to Kuro, who always knows how to treat them. His advice is biting, and sometimes phrased in mean ways- but he's right, and it's always helpful. His niece Akari is friendly enough compared to her uncle, but she's still merciless in battle, and still uses underhanded tactics and loves to trash talk. But she'll still heal up your Pokemon afterwards- and if you do manage to beat her, she just laughs it off. Damn. You got her good!
They gradually realize that their actions while in Team Chaos were wrong, and that maybe this reality is... okay, actually. As long as they have each other, and their Pokemon, that's all that matters.
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pheenixbabe · 21 days ago
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i can answer ur last question since i initially used to keep racism / slavery in my dr in some way. honestly i was intimidated by the amount of change that scripting it out would bring. me being black, and growing up in the us i had an understanding that bigotry itself was fundamental to the creation cultures around the globe.
the bottom line is i wondered how much thatd change culture. for example reggae and rap are products of the systemic discrimination african descendants in the americas faced. without those you dont have reggaeton, dancehall & dembow. BOOM five of my favorite genres just gone. (p.s sometimes i try to picture what a rap songs lyric would be without the use of the word n1gga as dr visualization excersize 💀)
not even just racism but queer-phobia. loads of queer culture formed due to the discrimination and isolation they faced. so then what happens to their culture? does it just become an insignificant preference? no flags, no pride, no nothing?
and so much music, culture and art has been made to protest bigotry or inequality itself that scripting it out felt like "erasing" loads of culture--not even just that, but political and social movements. what about gyarus, hippies and punks? its the little things we dont even think about. scripting out inequality would really make an entirely new world, which i wasnt ready for.
granted i now deeply look forward to these changes as a part of my shifting experience. a "new world" in a social and artistic sense might be interesting to explore. and i decided to just say some stuff would still "be there" even if i didnt explain exactly how its also possible to script the "same world" with beneficial changes but youd still have loads of alt history going on. it still feels like such a big culture shift it gives me the heebie jeebies. i could totally shift and get a history, culture or personal fact 100% wrong and everyone else is looking at me like im insane. like what if i shift thinking my family is christian but in my dr we end up practicing west african traditional spirituality? lmao 💀
tldr; thats a crazy culture shock if you really think about it and some shifters dont want a "new world" or even a "better world" but just a "alternate universe". one where their celeb crush likes them back or theyre richer than the rothschilds. not every shifter is as simpatico or idealistic on their goals regarding shifting as we like to believe we are.
plus, i noticed a lot of people already shift to universes with forms of cultural/racial inequality or discrimination in place. for example atla, genshin, harry potter, mcu, avatar, aot, etc. and some of those are pretty common dr. (not even just that but how can you script out bigotry in some dr where everything is centered around it, like in both avatars? that unintentionally changes a ton) and this reality isnt special so if its normalized to keep discrimination in those universes, i feel like we cant really judge anyone who keeps inequality in a uni based on this one (not saying ur judging, just speaking generally).
and my intentions arent to minimize any groups struggle, but to highlight the fact that those struggles very strongly shaped everyones culture. its sad, but its true. sorry for the yap this is just something ive thought about a lot. shifting really gives way to a loot of possibilities. more than we realize. its just that sometimes we arent ready for the cause & effect.
elephant in the room 🐘
rant about the state of online shifting; "get-it-off my chest" moment
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part 1. scripting trauma/ being a bad person in a dr how many people are really doing "bad things" or scripting in trauma in their dr? lets be so fucking for real here. why is it that everytime someone "morally corrupt" it gets exposed months apart and the "culprit" is some small ass account with like ten followers? its not common. and im not saying it never happens. but shiftok is always on about these people and im like...who tf are yall talking about? they find one bad apple and then decide the whole community needs to be reminded how fucked up it is to do xyz.
i mean lets be realistic, how many people are going out of their way to script something traumatic or harmful? the majority of the online community (reddit, tumblr, tiktok) always talks about shifting for their s/o, adventure, frienships, family or a better life in some way. how many people are deliberately scripting to harm themselves or others? and is the number really so much that we need thinkpiece after thinkpiece about it?
aand when others behave immorally or get traumatized in their dr they will experience it. they will see the effects of any bad things they do to others. they will feel the trauma first hand and suffer from what theyve scripted in many ways. we dont need to punish these people. their dr will do it for them.
P. S what about when you shift to a dr like the walking dead? or even mha and keep in the war arc? thats traumatic. hell, even an idol / fame dr can be traumatic and those are hella common! yet nobody bats an eye or reprimands it...odd...
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part 2. racebending race doesnt exist. i saw a shiftoker (a white one too??) act like someone was crazy for saying it! the whole concept was created by europeans! white mans burden, race based social classes, and eugenics all seems natural to yall? i mean logically its not odd to anyone that modern racial concepts were made by the same group of people in the same time period...? the time period people needed excuses to kill, rape, steal from and enslave other groups... search up "who created race" and then report back to me..anyways..
name one good thing that splitting people up and assigning them identities based on their background does for us? its caused mocking of those that dont fit the mold their race gives them, harmful views of other because of their racial group(s) and low self esteem from outside perceptions of your race. oh and division among groups on top of everything. so what is the point of holding on to race? abandon it! shift to be white, asian, black, indigenous, do what you want! youre not "changing your race" until you shift to become a different species (and theyres obvi nothing wrong w that!).
and some people say "if you script your another race your downplaying the racism poc face" but not every country has the same type of racism the states has. not every country is even as racist as the states. for example if im shifting to be fully south korean born & raised, and live full time in south korea, its not likely ill experience racism. and even so you can just...script out racism? like what...some people literally hate shifters who dont script out racism and expect everyone to script it out, but then turn to say that they cant change their race because of racism...huh? genuinely dont get that.
P. S im only really preaching abandonment of race so flippantly in regard to shifting. in this reality we're kinda stuck with it at this point lol.
P.S.S and it seems shifters from the usa hate racebending the most! as an american, i wonder how much of that is being intimidated that the concept of a racial hierarchy, that our nation has been built upon for centuries, can be shattered so easily...and therefore obviously proves it as obsolete. food for thought. (half joking here teehee)
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reidsnose · 4 years ago
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hair tie
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overview: spencer and the reader start carpooling to work together
genre: fluff!!
a/n: i really dont know if this one is any good i just thought the idea was cute but let me know what yall think :)
masterlist
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spencer was startled by the sudden knock, guests were rare in his little apartment, let alone this early in the morning. a bit paranoid he put his hand over the gun attached to his hip, just in case.
what surprised him even more than the unexpected knock was seeing you through the peep hole when he got to the door.
"y/n? are you ok?" he worried, scanning you up and down quickly to make sure you weren't hurt.
"no um i'm ok," you nervously chewed on your lip, "i was going to call you but i don't have your cell yet. oh my gosh this is going to sound so weird."
you were relatively new to the BAU and they were all very welcoming. the only person who seemed a little bit more closed off was Spencer.
it was true, he was avoiding you a little bit, but only because you were the most beautiful human being he had ever seen; which only made you that much more intimidating. he was afraid. what if he said something stupid? what if the second he opened his mouth you started thinking he was just his IQ. but you were fully a part of the team now. he would have to at least be aquatinted with you.
"its ok, you can say it." he encouraged kindly, causing you to visibly relax.
"ok. oh before i ask i want to preface this by saying you could totally say no i completely understand its a super weird thing especially because we barely know each other." you took a breath as he nodded, a slightly amused smile toyed with his lips.
"i understand the implications. proceed." he mentally slapped himself for wording his thoughts like that.
"do you maybe.. wanna drive to work together? i heard you talking about how you take the train and i also heard that you have an aversion to germs and i drive by your apartment to get to work anyway so i-" you cut yourself off, looking up and seeing him staring at you wide eyed. "i'm sorry this is too weird i over stepped my boundaries and now you dislike me even more. i'm sorry for interrupting your morning. um, you're going to be late for work if i don't leave you alone so ill just- sorry. i'm sorry."
truthfully, this was one of the kindest things anyone has ever offered to do for him. and you offered it with genuine kindness, no ulterior motives to try and get something from him. he stood stunned. how were you so beautiful AND kind. and still somehow a little intimidating.
"we're gonna be late" he called out.
"what?" you turned, having already walked a couple steps from his apartment, your heart beating a bit faster at the sound of his voice.
"you said i'm going to be late. but were carpooling. so we'll both be late," he said matter-a-factly, grabbing his coat and satchel.
"YES!" you laughed, a cracking a wide smile and punching the air triumphantly.
you leaned against the railing of the stairs as you watched him lock up. he was tall and slender and very handsome. so handsome. not handsome like morgan, handsome in a way you were sure you'd never seen before. an incredibly unique and scarce handsomeness that only Spencer Reid had. you tried to forget those thoughts as he began walking towards you.
"i don't dislike you, by the way." he blurted as the two of you walked down the stairs. he felt bad that he made you think he isn't fond of you; the problem was he was too fond of you.
"oh! thats good i've been trying to think of every interaction we've ever had because i was afraid i might have said or done something."
"truth be told," he huffed out a breath, "i was kind of intimidated by you."
you laughed a real, genuine laugh from deep in your belly as you reached your car. the sheer coincidence of the situation as well as your entirely non intimidating nature was seriously laughable.
"you cant be serious! did Garcia tell you?" you asked, completely dumbfounded.
"tell me what?" he asked back, confusion lacing his voice.
"that i was intimidated by you!" you confessed.
"what? this guy in Texas called me a pipe cleaner with eyes! how could i have possibly intimidated you?"
he looked around your car trying to subtly profile you. thats when he noticed you had put hand sanitizer in the passenger side door. and you had pushed the seat back to accommodate for his long legs. it was just two little things, two ways you put a little extra effort in to make him feel welcome, but he was 100% positive if he thought about it too much he would cry. he felt the need to do something like this for you. not to get even or anything, but simply because he wanted to make you feel the way he felt right now.
"i don't know! you're so tall and smart and you seemed quiet but i guess thats only because you were avoiding me. are you sure garcia didnt tell you?" you laughed, watching the road.
now it was his turn to laugh, "no i swear, Garcia didn't say anything about that to me!"
The two of you continued driving, either talking or sitting in a comfortable silence. and this little carpool became a tradition. the two of you arriving and leaving work together every single day, causing the two of you to become closer.
you had to admit, every morning and evening you spent with Spencer made him just seem more and more perfect. unbeknownst to you, the exact same thing was happening with him.
he noticed, one day, as you were pulling your hair up to tie in a ponytail, your hands alternated searching your wrists for a hair tie but there wasn't one there. once he noticed it once, he started noticing it constantly. on a case, in the office, in the car, at a bar. you always seemed to forget your hair ties.
so he went to the store after you drive him home one day, and got a few packs of hair ties. after paying for them, he put one on each wrist and the rest in his satchel, so next time, when you needed one, he'd have it.
he felt like such a creep, constantly watching you to see when you would try to put your hair up. of course the rest of the team took notice, though they had noticed your obvious incline towards each other, Spencer was clearly acting a little weird.
and then it happened.
the two of you were partnered to go to the crime scene on a case, and you went to tie up your hair before you entered the scene. he could hardly contain his excitement, his mind moving a mile a minute trying to decide how he wanted to give you the hair tie. he watched one of your hands search your wrist, but this time it pulled off a little black band and started looping it around your hair.
he couldn't believe it. he finally had a chance to make you feel a portion of the way he felt when he saw your effort in making his car Spencer-friendly, and new he had to think of a new way to do it.
snap.
he looked over and saw you holding what used to be your hair tie, now no longer a band, but a completely useless elastic line.
"you've gotta be-" you muttered to yourself, but your sentence was interrupted as Spencer nonchalantly jutted his wrist towards you. "what are you doing?"
"take my hair tie." he stated simply, trying so hard not to blush. this became even harder as your fingers graced the skin of his wrist while you pulled the hair tie off.
"oh! thank you! you're a life saver!" you breathed, cracking a wide smile as you used it to tie your hair up.
you couldn't help the butterflies going absolutely insane in your stomach. why did he have a hair tie? does he tie his hair up sometimes? why have you never seen it up? you tried to suppress a smile, that would be completely inappropriate for a crime scene.
but you couldn't suppress the warm feeling in your chest. because that was always there when Spencer was around.
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ultra mega super cool taglist:
@mac99martin @imhreid @spencersmagic @hollydaisy23 @raelady1184 @a-broken-pact @padfootswife
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seawing-vibes · 3 years ago
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Glory
you knew this was coming /j
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Damn !!!! Glory^2 !! Fine I guess I’ll talk about her ,,, /nm/lh I legit enjoy talking about her don’t worry hehe
favorite thing about them
Girl is very sassy and witty and I love it eheh. She has a lot of really good lines and tends to know when and how to joke around in an effective and fun way ! Although I have my,, g r i p e s with how she treats her friends, I do love how she treats Starflight when she dream sees him again, it was really cute how much she joked with him and understood how to calm him down. Despite how she treats them most of the time, she does take note of her freinds and their needs and will sometimes tend to them and their needs and thats really nice! Also I will say that the things that annoy me, I do enjoy, shes a compelling and interesting character due to her flaws, I guess what primarily annoys me is the way shes framed by the narrative and a lot of fans as a good guy, shes flawed and does a lot of shiny things, and that makes her a cool character!! I enjoy her due to her complexity and flaws :]]!
least favorite thing about them
She completely infantilizes the Rainwings and is so fucking stubborn that she refuses to change her view on them throughout everything and only listens if they line up exactly with her vision, and THEN changed their entire culture and forces them into something they were vecerilly against </3!! and its treated like the hero for that!!!!! AUGH!!!!! Im sorry but the fact that she completely screws around with the Rainwings culture and refuses to listen to them or treat them as equals. She doesn’t even attempt to accept their culture outside of the small things and forces her own views on them blarg. I guess whats most frustrating is that it’s treated like a good deed in the narrative and not talked about,, like, it would’ve been something I actually would’ve been very invested in a story where they focused on Glory learning that she isn’t the ultimate right and needs to learn how to navigate this new culture even if it didn’t chop up to what she believed it would be,, I DUNNO!! Just thoughts bbhrbhhs
favorite line
"It's normal to be scared. I'm scared. You'd have to be crazy not to be — well, crazy, or Tsunami, which is basically the same thing. You just have to push that aside and do what you have to anyway." GILR YES, SUPPORT YOUR BROTHER YES PLEASE GREAT SIBLING MOMENT YEAH <333 I will accept the Tsunami slander here because it is true <3/pos
brOTP
DEATHBRINGER AND GLORY SIBLING RELATIONSHIP PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE Deathbringer wanting to join the DoD’s cause and being roped into Rainwing politics and just vibing and being the comic relief for Glory, like having a guy outside of the main group to be able to vent to and just be buddies with. Like hes got the perfect personality for it and its so gross that it became a romance thing, plus room for them to be besties and him crushing on her brother and go from besties to annoying step-siblings,,,,,,, it could’ve been great,,,,,,,,,,,, if it stayed fuckin platonic, anger.
Okay but also Glory & Kinkajou in canon is adorable what a relationship so cute I adore them <333
OTP
I dont really ship her with anyone? It feels weird to ship her honestly because I feel like shes still developing as a person (dragon?) and throwing her into a relationship as shes still discovering herself seems off, plus I dont know any character close to her that would help her that way wail being a good romantic partner, ya know?? Most ships I see her with (outside of the obvious) are quite cute! I just don’t personally ship any of them is all :0
nOTP
Gorybringer is gross and can die off please and thank you <3!!
random headcanon
Glory is overwhelmed as a Queen, she takes on two tribes in the beginning of her rule, knows nothing about either tribe, has been isolated her whole life so knows nothing about the world either, and overall just doesn’t know what shes doing (along side her crippling fear to speak to others about her issues) she finds it to be a very difficult time ruling on her own. Grander is not oblivious to this, and with Jambu’s help they team up to confront Glory with this issue, she is reluctant at first, and slowly but surly begins to agree and accept their help. After a year of rule they decide on a council system once again, Glory steps down from the throne to live as a citizen in both tribes for a while. She was very very against this initially but learns that its the best thing to do and takes it like a champ. For a few months she even works as a sub over at JMA to better understand a leadership role at a smaller degree. Through this shes still has a hand in royal decisions and politics, but shes not the sole head, she comes back to the role of a Queen after a year or two with a better understanding of her citizens and the rest of the world :]]!!
unpopular opinion
She shouldn’t have become queen at all, it wasn’t healthy for her or the Rainwings for her to rule and it would’ve been better for someone else to rule, I dunno who though its a messy situation ah
song I associate with them
San Cristóbal - Mal Blum
He song fits her so well I could analyze every line to fit her if you need me too, if I could animate there would be a PMV about her to that song immediately (I know the song is about a romantic relationship but it would be more about her self isolation from whomever she is interacting with, as she tends to automatically separate herself from others, either thinking shes above them or so different from them its not worth attempting interaction, its a very inserting trait and one I wish was explored more!!! This is not a complaint about her at all this is a fun assessment of her character Glory is so interesting)
favorite picture of them
Legit love this pose, I dunno why this pose makes my brain so happy
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jaekaicx · 3 years ago
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so ive had this idea for an amphibia fangame for a lil while now-
(LONG post)
its based around the idea that sometime after anne got sent back to earth, she decides to sneak out one night to visit sasha and marcys bedrooms and poke through their stuff. this causes a bunch of memories to come back to anne through flashbacks while she tries to process everything thats happened and her feelings abt their friendship.
i was thinking itd be mostly a visual novel type thing. maybe with a few small choices, but the story would be mostly linear. thered be around 3 main story beats: a prologue bit w/ anne sneaking out of her house, marcys bedroom, and sashas bedroom. also one of the main mechanics would be looking at one of their bedrooms and clicking on random objects of importance and triggering a flashback sequence.
it came from the idea that anne will probably try to just shove all her emotions down and try to ignore her feelings abt true colors and everything that went down then. especially with what we saw in the sneak peek, anne will probably try to hide her emotions and bottle them up, which is obviously not healthy. so eventually shes gonna have to work through her emptional baggage and try to process everything.
i havent thought through EVERYTHING just yet, just some more major plot points and maybe one or two ideas for flashbacks. nothing too solid yet. but heres a bit more detailed runthrough of the plot
summary - prologue
so it would start off with anne at home. she and her mom are talking outside annes room. her moms concerned abt how annes been handling everything that happened in amphibia but anne keeps brushing everything off. her mom tries to get her to open up, but she keeps dismissing her and eventually shuts herself in her room. after taking a bit to cool off and think anne decides that shes gonna take the night to just ride off her emotions and stop repressing them for once. she also makes an impulsive decision to sneak out and check out marcy and sashas rooms.
anne goes to gather her stuff in her room, and just as shes about to climb out the window, sprig walks in to check on her. hes still rly concerned abt his big sis but he knows he cant stop her. he tries to go with anne, but she tells him she needs to do this on her own. so, sprig lets her go and tries to cover for her while shes gone.
so at this point i’ll probably give the player the choice of whose house to visit first. it doesnt rly impact the story or whatever, but i guess it might have a small emotional impact depending on whose house u choose to go to first??
(quick note: after this bit, there arent too many specific details for the plot and stuff like that. its largely just an overall idea of how the plot is gonna go. and even then, there isnt much to it. i didnt think that far ahead yet, which is why there isnt as much refinement yet. so far i just have general ideas for how annes gonna get to the bedrooms, with a couple of vague flashback ideas. just keep that in mind; this whole thing is still being thought over and planned as im typing this out)
summary - sasha
with sasha, annes still rly conflicted abt how she feels abt her. of course shes still rly hurt by being backstabbed by her twice and swordfighting her as many times. but as much as she hates sasha she cant bring herself to fully give up on sash. she hates her guts but deep down shes still willing to give sash another chance.
there may or may not be a small sequence where anne has to sneak into sashas house, but eventually she works her way into sashas room. im not entirely sure abt the details of sashas house n her family yet. im probably gonna wait for info from s3 until i solidify anything, but for now i do know that sashas family has a big house n theyre probably rich.
so anne goes into sashas room and its been left pretty much untouched ever since annes birthday, save for the few times someone came in to dust things off. again, dont rly have all the details for sashas room, but it kind of has a vibe of controlled chaos, with organized clutter and a bit of a touch of a rebellious teen girl. one detail i do want to have is a calendar opened up to the month the trio disappeared, with annes birthday circled and highlighted so much that its impossible to miss.
the calendar itself might include a flashback. im thinking of also having a varsity jacket and some old stuffed animal be different “artifacts” that trigger their own memories. there’ll be a bunch more, but those are the only ideas i have so far fjsbndnd
summary - marcy
ok so i want to be rly mean about marcys segment: this is going off the theory that marcys parents moved away while the trio was in amphibia.
anne doesnt know this yet tho, so shes in for quite a surprise when she turns onto marcys street to find a realtor sign on the front lawn. the clues are all there: an empty driveway, sign on the lawn, an overall empty vibe coming from the house. but it doesnt completely register at first. its not til anne actually comes up close does she notice the sign.
anne tries to deny it, and decides to prove to herself that “no marcys parents wouldnt do this. theyre not that cruel. im just gonna check marcys room myself.” the front doors locked, so she just goes over to marcys window and climbs in.
but its completely empty.
ok not totally empty, but a lot of marcys furniture and stuff is gone, except for a few stray toys and other “junk.” the home guys (idk what theyre called????) are still kind of in the process of cleaning everything out, so theres still some stuff left here and there around the house. but its still way too empty. and its yet another gut punch for anne.
anne searches the rest of the house a bit more, hoping that shes just hallucinating. but no, marcys parents are really gone. she tried to deny it before, but now she has more of an idea of how shitty the wu parents are. so anne decides to just mope around in marcys old room, checking out the stuff their parents left behind.
maybe she finds an old blanket marcy liked when he was rly young. or an old rubiks cube from marcys vast collection. a cnc figurine, some cards, a pride flag, and old diary? a couple of other old toys, an old report card or two, or maybe even some stray clothes. whatever anne finds, its all thats left of marcy, at least in LA.
it really doesnt leave anne in that much of a better emotional position. she already felt conflicted enough about what happened in true colors and what she found out abt marcy. but seeing even a small glimpse of what marcy was dealing with, it just makes her more confused. marcy was such a sweet kid! theres no way they couldve done anything wrong. yet here anne was, betrayed by both of her childhood friends.
only now is anne really taking the time to process the fact that marcy essentially kidnapped her and sasha with the calamity box. he didnt mean to do it, and theres no way they couldve known the box would actually work, but it doesnt completely excuse marcy. his actions still hurt anne and sash, and while they meant the best of intentions, it didnt rly come through that way.
and now marcy was dead. stabbed in the back by the newt king.
and now annes curled up in an empty bedroom, wrapped up in one of marcys old blankets, trying to wrap her head around her feelings about marcy while reminiscing in the past.
summary - extras/epilogue??
i kind of like the idea that anne ends up drifting off in which ever bedroom ended up being the second one she visited. she slowly comes back to consciousness, with her surroundings feeling somewhat familiar, only to wake up in horror bc “OH SHIT I FORGOT TO GO BACK HOME” im not completely sold on the idea tho bc it feels a bit abrupt and like too much of a tone shift?? idk it doesnt feel exactly right
but anyways, im also playing around with the idea of a small epilogue scene with the calamity trio hanging out in annes room, a good amount of time after amphibia ended. dont know what theyre doing in there, but theyre just chilling and feeling a bit nostalgic i guess.
but uh yeah thats pretty much what ive got for the overall idea. it doesnt feel too out of reach, but somethjng like this would definitely be ambitious. i could mayyyybe handle writing out the vn and drawing the character sprites, but i have no idea how to code a vn or draw detailed backgrounds, both of which would be pretty important to this fangame fjsndj. so i might consider having help with this.
THIS ISNT ANY SORT OF PROMISE OR WHATEVER. id rly love to follow through and make this fangame a thing, but im not making any guarantees. i have no idea if i’ll actually follow through, but i would definitely love to.
who knows. maybe in like a couple years this might actually become a thing. but for now i have no idea
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oh-cramity-its-amity · 8 months ago
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long text wall of stuff. sorta vent
i think i sort of understand, but it's hard to find the words to place into context that feels right. i had a spiral earlier today because a manager (not from our facility but was visiting) called me "young lady" meaning COMPLETELY well by the sentiment, i know. though it made me want to vomit and want to cry.
it was like this strong resounding feeling of like your own skin suffocating you because oh no it all feels so so entirely wrong. and normally im able to brush off my agab pronouns despite hating it, but my chest was just so tight, and i wanted to shut down.
i felt too that by feeling things like that, i was being dramatic and that i should just- brush it off and move on, and i tried to!
but my heart just hurt. i felt wrong. uneased. bottled up and like i was about to burst open.
i texted my friend about this and it shot me further into a giant spiral of thoughts that still i feel so tied up in.
i blurted out about wishing i could just be a guy. and it wasnt in the context of me feeling like i was trans but just in the sense that i always feel as if im always resigned to my agab even though how hard i try to present myself as FAR from it.
theres always something of myself that makes people assign me to a box. and its like my skin wants to tear itself off of my bones because of how claustrophobic i feel of myself just being so wrong. its just such a complicated feeling to feel these things because people around me im sure would not get it, and my dad would probably try to talk me out of feeling the things i do even though he wouldn't understand fully. i mean he might because hes made so much more progress as a person than he used to, but it terrifies me to think about ever telling him things like wanting top surgery because of how massive of a thing that is.
even IF im an adult, hes literally the closest person in my life. i dont have irl friends. its just him and a few coworkers but we never talk outside of work.
i dont think hed react poorly, but i dont know if he wouldnt try to talk me out of things because hes done that before.
but it comes in waves- this claustrophobic dysphoric feeling of "wrongness".
sometimes im like 100% fine and then others it feels like im dying on the inside. ive talked myself out of it and to survive but its so complicated when everyone around you wants to put you in a box you've so desperately tried to disassociate yourself from.
society just doesnt understand nonbinary people and i hate it. i just want to appear more masc or androgynous instead of always being destined for my stupid fucking agab. its like im so tired too of always having to explain myself with people whenever i mention BEING nonbinary that ive just given up because all it is is just fighting to put my foot down with people. i already know who i am but people dont understand and i can't explain things to them because thats not why i am the way i am.
at least here i can be my true self and not be made to feel restrained by a label.
and so no i didnt correct that man either. because whats the point of it anymore. of any of this. sometimes i dont even know if i know myself and that scares me so fucking much because IM ME. i should know who im supposed to be, and yet something always happens where im like "maybe im wrong" maybe im doubting myself of any of this is worth it. EVEN THOUGH IK IT IS.
because i matter most in my own life.
i know im not a guy. i KNOW that, but i just dont want to be forced into being my agab because THAT LABEL makes me feel claustrophobic and like my chest is going to explode from being so tight. i dont know if any of this stuff even makes sense, i guess but its better than keeping things bottled up like i always habitually do.
cause ive been burned too much for me to feel like sharing stuff openly like this is good, EVEN if it is. ive got a lot of thoughts, i guess, and i feel like only the people online would even remotely understand.
ill get back to the dms and ask boxes later. i just dont feel right atm. its upsetting to me to think about all of this. i just wish there was an easier way to make people understand.
ive been feeling so burned out socially, too, so im sorry. its not yalls fault at all, i just get overwhelmed or anxious- heck.. both.
been doing what i can and what feels easy, but i feel like its not enough because i hate making excuses for shit but i genuinely do just feel overwhelmed by things sometimes on here. i get excited but i just wish i could divide my time evenly between a bunch of you without my social battery being gone. long messages feel so mentally exhausting even though i love hearing from yall and talking about things.
im sorry this is such a downing type of thing but i really think i needed to say this. other than that it was a good day. i hope your doing well.
why is gender so hard and confusing :(
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thisdreamplace · 3 years ago
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ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?
Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day
thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!
this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol
firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.
“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.
i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!
the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.
you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.
to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.
No One To Change But Self
There is Nothing to Forgive
How to Sit with Your Triggers
give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖
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