#cause I dont feel that thats entirely true even if it sometimes feels that way when my brain gets all dark

[microwave-prince]

Sometimes it makes me feel a little better bout my lack in like...people to directly talk to or gush to like.. imagine I haven't met the person yet cause they're still brewing. Or I'm still brewing. And we are being primed for the right time of meeting each other.

[narcissism-awareness]

i feel like you're kinda downplaying the possibility of pwNPD being abusive. your blog has a "oh it NEVER happens" vibe. im not officially diagnosed, but my psych test did end up showing symptoms of it. however, i do have bipolar, and the reality is that i have hurt people and that my mental illness *was* a factor in it. it didnt exist in a vacuum. especially when i wasnt medicated.

like i dont blame people who see me having BP and wanting to move away and call them ableist for that. my mental illness will forever be a factor in the way i experience world - and im not saying OH I WAS AN AWFUL PERSON TO THESE PEOPLE, but i mean it in a way "my cycles of mania and depression have hurt people dear to me, even though i wasnt directly hurtful to them". they couldnt cope with it or my needs and thats okay.

i feel like youre being rly dismissive of people who were abused by people with personality disorders. i was abused by someone w BPD and their mental illness *was* a factor in it. the same way my BP/OCD/BM/ADHD affected others. its dishonest to pretend NPD exists in a vacuum.

I never claimed that it never happens, just in most cases of people calling abuse "narcissistic abuse," their abuser was actually self centered or egotistical and not diagnosed with NPD. (most cases, not all)

It is not ableist to call out abusers who have NPD, what's ableist is to call an entire mental disorder abusive. Or to blame abuse on a mental disorder.

While sometimes we may unintentionally hurt others due to our symptoms, abuse is a choice. People choose to manipulate, use, degrade, and gaslight others. That's not something that happens as a symptom of a mental disorder.

It is true NPD can make us to have little regard for other people and their emotions, which can cause some unhealthy and unstable relationships. But it does not cause us to systematically abuse others?? Thinking that is ableism.

However I acknowledge how you said my blog can feel dismissive of abuse victims. Obviously, in any scenario abuse is not ok. Victims should be able to get resources to escape and recover from abuse. But ableism is not excusable just because your abuser(s) had a mental disorder.

The goal of this blog is to call out ableism and spread awareness about NPD. My posts are usually very matter-of-fact because of this, which may make me sound dismissive to abuse victims. (Keep in mind I am autistic and narcissistic so it's hard for me to judge how others will receive my tone)

I apologize for this and will try to be more welcoming to abuse victims when I can, but the main goal is still informing people about NPD and debunking ableist stereotypes.

[battleangel]

Its currently 88 degrees in my apartment and has been 90 degrees all day.

I dont use my air conditioning.

I dont have central air.

I have a wall unit in a 1 bedroom apartment.

I am in New Jersey and there have been heat weeks the past few weeks with temperatures in the 90s and 100s with extremely high humidity.

I have a single ceiling fan in my dining room that I utilize.

As you can see, I dress light & minimal.

I also stay hydrated & drink plenty of water.

When its really hot, I will sometimes just remove my clothes & be naked.

Is it warm? Yes.

Hot even? Yes.

Uncomfortable? Yes.

Stuffy & humid? Yes.

Unbearable? No.

And thats the lie.

Thats the lie of modern life.

That a fan simply isnt enough.

The EPA advises that the average American keeps their air conditioning thermostat between 68 & 72 degrees all summer.

That is fucking disgusting.

The EPA suggests keeping thermostats at 80.

I suggest turning your AC off and just using a fan.

Wear light, minimal clothing or take your clothes off.

Stay hydrated & drink water.

If youre still hot, place a bowl of ice cubes in front of your fan.

You can also place ice cubes in wash cloths and apply them to your underarms, back of your neck & groin area.

You can also place a wash cloth under cold water and place the damp cloth on the back of your neck.

You do not have to have your AC blasting at all times while indoors over the summer months.

You have been brainwashed & conditioned to expect this & to do this.

Americans use 90% of the worlds air conditioning & we are nowhere near 90% of the worlds population.

Need more of a reason to turn your air conditioning off even during heat waves?

•The cooling industry accounts for 10% of global CO2 emissions.

•Americans consume more energy for air conditioning than the rest of the world combined.

•The number of global cooling devices is estimated to increase from 3.6 billion to 9.5 billion by 2050.

•HFC emissions are projected to contribute warming equivalent to 20% of CO2 output by 2050.

•Air conditioning in the US releases approximately 100 millions tons of carbon dioxide into the air.

Air conditioning was only invented in 1902 — literally about 100 years ago.

It is essentially a brand new invention when compared to the rest of human existence — so why do you think that you cant live without it?

Yes, buildings are architecturally designed differently since air conditioning became ubiquitious around the 1960s in the United States.

Buildings used to be designed for the hot air to rise to the ceiling and now they are not designed that way as the built-in assumption is air conditioning will be utilized as 82% of American residences have either central air conditioning or wall units.

While that is true, I am living proof that even during heat waves with triple digit temperatures and extreme humidity, you can absolutely get by with just a ceiling and/or box fan.

You dont need artificially cooled air to survive.

You have just been brainwashed to think that way as an American as nearly every single indoor building — whether it is an indoor arena, movie theater, shopping mall, restaurant, office, hair salon, nail salon, massage parlor, retail store, department store — all has air conditioning absolutely at full blast between 68 & 72 degrees the entire summer.

That is absolutely not the norm anywhere except America which is why we utilize more air conditioning than the rest of the world combined.

Only in America can you literally go days, weeks and even months without ever encountering air that hasnt been artificially cooled.

We shouldnt shield ourselves from the impact of the climate change that we humans have caused.

We should be uncomfortable!

We should feel what the real temperature is outside and what we have caused it to be with all of our as a species collective damaging ecocidal actions to our environment.

We are killing the planet and the earth.

If we dont change, earth will be uninhabitable within 100 years at the absolute most which is why Elon is already planning to colonize Mars.

We humped, pumped & dumped one planet — earth — so why not another?

Our ecocidal actions as a species has caused extreme climate change impacts creating the heat waves that have been observed across the country all summer long, record shattering temperatures & natural disasters.

I have lived in New Jersey for 42 years and for the first time in my life this April there was a 5.2 earthquake.

Americans are addicted to air conditioning period.

Stop the addiction.

Turn off your AC.

[peronasbeloved]

🎫 here's a gush pass ^^ feel free to gush about whichever f/o you want, however much you want, then send this ask to 3 other self shippers (optional) !

(if you dont wanna do it thats fine too ✌🏾) -@gideongrovel

i held back on answering this for a hot minute because i have this weird paranoia that if i were to ever say a single incorrect thing about my fave i’d just die from embarrassment and i still haven’t finished rewatching thriller bark so i’m not done refreshing my memory (one piece is loooooong, details slip from my mind sometimes) but you know what .i don’t wanna wait any longer cause i wuv her… it’s hard to even put my thoughts in a cohesive way so this’ll prolly just be gibberish almost

UM SHE IS SO CUTE. IDK IF U NOTICED BUT SHES FUCKIN CUTE. most adorable person ever mayhaps? completely true it’s been fact checked? but seriously just look at her fucking look

her pouting face like r u kidding me. i’d die for you . i’ve already said this somewhere on this blog but she’s the only op character where i equally enjoy her pre and post time skip design like i just think both are amazing. more proof that she is perfect in every single way

i just love her so much she’s so beautiful and cute and confident and i love her attitude . she can be as rude as she wants i do not care i support all her wrongs. i think one of my favorite moments is her unwillingness to back down even when facing kuma like she rlly looked at a twenty-something foot tall warlord and went ‘nah, i’d win’ and like she DIDNT but like she didn’t back down and i think that’s so cool… her power is just the coolest too fucking everything about her is cool. she’s the coolest girl you ever saw

i feel like this also goes without saying but just her entire design plays a huge part… she just has the best taste in fashion and speaking of that i just always feel this connection to her cuz we share interests maybe that’s surface level but… i too, love gothic fashion and spooky gothic castle. i too, love stuffed animals. she likes STUFFED ANIMALS and she’s a VILLAIN??? like come the fuck on character of all time

SHES SO GOOFY SILLY TOO SHE MAKES ME LAUGH SO MUCH

UMMMM so basically p.erona best in da world

grhrhgGhGrhgghhGhh !!!! AUHGHGHFHSHXHSHHHGH.l.. yeah. 🧍

i’m not sure who i’d pass the gush pass on to, uh i don’t rlly have anyone who i’m close to around here yet (many followers though, which i’m so so grateful for i appreciate every single one of you!) but sure i might do that part too. why limit it to 3 though, everyone deserves a gush pass. in da whole world

[abimee]

I appreciate you saying that so bad because it really is true how detrimental the obsession with youth is for so many teens (who are so impressable, making it a recipe for disaster) and young adults. Cause as someone who sometimes struggles with that sentiment still for having had BORING teenage years and still being so socially stunted as a young adult having felt for so long I had failed something along the way, making me feel worse abt myself but like... Truthfully, being young is so boring. I'm thankful for older people in my life constantly telling me that really wanting to hurry up so much is pointless - what do we even expect to do?? Stuff that looks cool in movies? I may be a loser for some, I may think I am a loser sometimes, but according to what and who lol. And I'd rather face these things as a mature adult rather than a pressured, impressable teen... Idk. Sorry if this is just rambling really. But it being pointed out makes me feel better and I hope it makes others feel better too. Especially with the loneliness epidemic of right now :(

no absolutely i get it. as someone who so said had an ''interesting'' highshool/teenager years i can safely say that it really sucks trying to cram so much experience into such little years because like

okay the way i see it is trying to make tyour teenage years jam packed with interesting experiences sucks for when you hit adulthood because adulthood is VERY SLOW and BORING as well. youll get to habe more interesting experiences but thats also because you have like 60-70 years and a lot of power in getting to make those experience, while as a teenager you only have like 5 years of this supposed ''golden time'', and then youre just not prepared for how slow and boring adult life is and you get caught up in nostalgia of the ''old days'' and entirely forget how much it fucking sucked to be a teenager because you only remember the glory moments. like ive done so much as a teenager i wish i could nowadays like drink heavily or break into abandoned houses with friends but those high moments often gloss over my memory of how powerless i felt as a teenager with my problems. so like theres nothing good to come of trying to see your teenage years as the most interesting time of your life and that if you didnt make the best of them youre ''boring'' or ''a loser'' because it just doesnt matter to people except for those who peaked in highschool and can only live caught in their past and their former glory.

its so so so so so SO okay to be a slow grower. the idea of needing to get all your experiences out as a teenager is sooooo stupid and theres no timer on anything in your life that dictates it has to happen before X year, thats just the obsession of youth talking and its tootally normal and okay to not have or do things until way later in life. like for me personally i still get caught up with how many people in their 20s are all getting married and i fall down this sinkhole of ''everyone younger than me is MARRIED but i dont EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND'' before remembering that it doesnt matter. it doesnt matter if i get married age 22 or age 62 they dont have goddamn timers on when its acceptable or cool to have your first kiss or get married ITS THE OBSESSION WITH YOUTH TRYING TO KEEP US DOWN FROM. REJOICE IN DOING THINGS SLOWLY AS AN ADULT

[magnoliamyrrh]

It really sucks bc I’ve had this sneaking suspicion since my early adolescence that I was molested by a preschool teacher. I have no actual memory but just a combination of UTIs + sadomasochistic behavior + nightmares + hypersexuality later made me suspect. But like. It could have been from everyone and their mom in my Balkan family constantly groping me :/ like it’s already blurry in my head this is just confusing me even more but at the same time I’m not sure I wanna know

thank u for sending this, i know its hard to even write this shit out sometimes. im sorry you went through any of this. yea, i went through a long period of not being sure what the hell happened if anything at all too. i still do at times. all the same symptoms + i also thought for a long time that maybe it was from all of,, the other stuff instead of anything else. its rly hard to try to make sense of it all, especially at those ages, and tbh yea, all those symptoms could v well just appear from the general family shit, especially depending on the severity of what was allowed and starting/ending when

... i think its fair to not want to know. i think its rly fair and normal to b either entirely opposed to knowing or just anxious and adverse sbt it. missing as well as blurry memories at those ages can v well be just normal, theres plenty of things ppl start to usually forget, but,, they can also be a sign of your brain trying to protect you from shit it deemed too hard/too much/too distressing to handle.. and that's,.. fair. thats a survival adaptation.

when you go knocking on the locked doors in your mind its often far from a pleasant time.. and tbh shit tends to get worse before it gets any better. On the other hand this is just. personal philosophy/conclusion; i think... the only .. way to Really truly deal things - the issues themselves not just the symptoms caused by the issues - is to face them. must go through the eye of the needle sort of thing. this is how ive dealt w recovering from bpd, ana&mia, and ptsd shit and generally got myself to b a lot more sane, after a period of time in which it drove me more insane. this is what psychedelics reinforced in me anyway.... i dont recommend going poking around in your brain too much if youre not in a remotely stable and safe environment,,, i did that, not the best time

poking around and trying to figure this sort of shit out can often turn into a whole spiral. be gentle with yourself, dont try to rush yourself into wanting answers, and take care of yourself. sometimes it is best to let your brain let you know about things when it deems the time is right, rather than trying to tear down every door

but,.. . something that my ex whose also been through some pretty severe shit said to me when i was falling down a "is this real?" hole: you kinda just.. you feel it. somewhere if youre being real serious with yourself, deep deep down inside you know if you know. we never really forget things. somewhere, they are ingrained in us, our bodies remember even if we dont.... and, tbh, the other thing is. people see it on you. like, recognition of the self through the other sort of thing. something that always got to me before i actually rly idk accepted a lot of things is how much i related to ppl who have also gone through that sort of stuff. could just b the family shit but also 🤷‍♀️ . even if it isnt i guess the question would be, what is the drive behind your suspicion. why there. why that teacher or why a teacher. why that time and place. does it remind you of something else or another time?. and on the flip side.. something else that ive learned is that. predators see it on you? they truly do. i remember when i was questioning shit id tell myself, well, both of these things cant be true right??? thats ridiculous, who has that sort of luck to not only deal with this weird af normalized family shit + other stuff?? i must just b exaggerating things.... except in reality, most predators can tell which victims are vulnerable and they can most often tell which kids have some sort of history of sexual trauma. once it happenes, its actually statistically more likely that it will happen again...... which really fucking sucks

idk, i hope any of this made sense i probably went on for too long but. im rly sorry again u went through any of this im v much sending u a virtual hug. i rly do get the frustration and confusion and... all of it. im sorry but also, thank you for sending me this bc its... both horrible and comforting at the same time to know someone else has felt this same mess. i hope youre going to find some consolation and peace and healing soon <3 <3

[hiddenreflections]

I think smth Adam fails to acknowledge about himself, because well if he had continiously acknowledged he wouldnt have been able to adapt that identity to start with is that his sadism, his violent fantasies, his want to victimize and harm others didnt authentically start. That wasnt part of him. Adam didnt split off enjoying power and control. Adam was the alter that yes, was emotionally colder, yes had dulled emotionality, yes was emotionally distanced to reduce the pain experienced, and yes maybe there was a lesser degree of empathy as well within that. But the entire penchant for violence?

This started out as a complete lie.

He had the thought, "Maybe my abuser will hurt and abuse me less if I resemble him more, if I respond more to things how he would and if I dont respond like a victim to what he does."

He lied. He pretended he had violent and sexually sadistic fantasies the same way our abuser had. When our abuser tried to scare us by telling us specific sadistic fantasies, Adam didnt respond by feeling threatened but went "same". This tactic solidifed because our abuser did give confidence and esteem to Adam for this. Its a strategy that *worked* - not in getting out of sexual abuse or pain, but the consistent stream of shaming, and youre worthless, and you brought this on yourself and youre the lowest of the low - stopped. There was no longer this consistent need to make him feel like he was nothing. There was some sort of respect for the way he took the abuse after the abuser grasped this isnt meant as an act of resistance but as an attempt to win his respect or whatever.

The reason *you* were relieved when that childhood friend rejected further abuse and manipulation was because you were happy you didnt have to keep performing that identity anymore. The abuser wanted to know specifics, the abuser gave you esteem, sometimes less pain, less extreme abuse for knowing you were similar to him. You had to make it as real and as true as possible, you couldnt just continue to tell him you had hurt friends or whatever and not actually do it cause it had to be *real*.

Now mind you, this doesnt mean the sadism didnt actually develop, course it did. I see it when I inherit your memories, when I see these things the way you felt and saw them. You did enjoy it. You didnt feel guilty for it. You sometimes feel ashamed for it cause my reaction to it tends to be the typical knee-jerk "what the fuck, god, no" and it feels like personal rejection to you and im someone you want to impress and be perceived positively by. Thats not the same as guilt. But it is true, that yes, sure you liked hurting that friend. You liked it. But its also true that all of this started as convincing yourself you were like him, slowly breaking off anything that contradicted this and denying anything about yourself that wouldve stood in the way of being able to act that cruelly.

Given that its entirely sensical to me that youd both enjoy hurting someone and also would be entirely capable of feeling relieved a person stood up to u and exited the situation. I mean you felt that inkling of rage our abuser wouldve felt, you couldve "adapted" that too, but you decided not to. You decided to lean into "I got everything I needed, this is good." and then you felt smth you had not killed yet or changed yet, and that was hoping shed go on to be fine, warmth, some sort of weird affection even but you didnt want to accept it as part of you cuz that still felt like.. maybe hed see you as weak? maybe hed see it as unlike himself? maybe it wouldnt resonate? so that cant be part of "you" right? But it is.

And I dont necessarily want you to view that you didnt manage to fully cut that off, change that, or kill that off as an actual weakness. Hes not there to judge us. Hes not there to get upset. Hes not there to call you a victim or whatever.

You have smth that makes it easy for you to let go of someone and not see it as a loss of control. Whatever. Thats not a weakness. Anything else? Our life wouldve probably been way more impacted by your need to harm or control. Im grateful you have that aspect alive in you, as difficult to relate to and arrogant I find that flavour of empathy.

[the-smiling-grinner]

hey uh dont read this 👍 TW vent

okay so basically everything has gone to shit. lets get a lil back story here

so ill be 17 soon (terrifying) and it will be almost 4 years sober of everything and i could not be more miserable. when i was 12 i abused perscription medication during the 2020 lockdown and in the process got into other things (cigs and alchol).

i dont really think that anyone understands how deep it goes. i mean think about it, a 12 yearold already suffering from halucinations, delusions and other things. on two kinds of anti psychotics, drinking, smoking and taking way to many pills. its pretty messed up.

my parents had never been the best but a brain tumour caused my mother to become abusive. i dont remember much of 2020-2021 bc i was either high, drunk, in a psychotic episode or sometimes all three. but i remember some things and the things i do remember are bad. it got so bad that i barely knew what was going on half the time.

safe to say my appearence was less than ideal. i wore a covid face mask constantly. even when you stopped having to at school. and i still wear it. simply bc i know people will make fun of me for it more than they already do if i take it off. as much as i want to stop wearing it, i know i cant.

my hair was dyed black and greasy, my achne was bad and my teeth were messed up. i was over weight, then under weight, then over weight again. i was hidious. evey photo taken of me, i looked through the camera. i had nothing left behind my eyes. i was so close to giving up entirely.

my mother had her brain tumour removed and my life was starting to take shape again. thats when she came in. she was beautiful in every way. i hated her but i loved her all the same. she caused me so much pain but it felt great.

it seemed like a good idea at the time. to date her. but i soon deacovered that she was not like she seemed. in many ways ill not describe. she ripped me appart, absolutly gutted me from the inside. i developed FND (look it up i cant be bothered explaining). my life was starting to go down hill again. i felt sick constantly. my halucinations were terrible and my mental state was even worse. i had sezures and headaches every day.

then we broke up. it was drawn out and long but to leave it all behind was freeing. i felt free for the first time in months. then she back stabbed me. i wont say what happend but this is the reason i can not trust people. my paranoia is through the roof. i constantly think about how everyone is conspiring against me and that they arent really my friends.

anyway. enough about her.

i am lonely and i fear that i will always feel this way. i have friends and a boyfriend yes but they also have friends. my halucinations icolate me. i behave agressively and erratically. nothing as bad as 2021 and 2020 but still bad.

i dont know what to do so i throw myself into school. its all i really do anymore. that and pretend i have friends. i sit at the kitchen bench and speak to no one. i have many friends there. i can act how i want and they like it. i have no one to talk to about this.

i try to talk to God but i feel bad burdening him with it like i am with everyone else. i dont feel good enough for God or any one for that matter.

im nothing like the pretty Christian girls on tiktok who look so pure and sweet. the look so kind. true women of God. i am not. i try to be but it never works out. i look scruffy, my hair is always messed up, i wear weird clothes, im rude, i cuss way too much and im just not a very nice person to be around.

i want to be tho. more than anything i want to be kind. i want to be good enough. and it doesnt even seem like im trying.

i really want cigs and alchaol. to medicate like i did all those years ago but i cant. sinning every day with small things is bad enough but those are worse.

i do my best in school and thats enough. it makes me feel like enough. im good at school. im good at it. im not good at many things but im good in school. i got dux in two subjects last year and finished top 10% of my grade. thats enough right?

every day i feel my sanity slowly slipping away. being replaced by paranoia and horrible halcinatoins. i tell myself that ill never get as bad as i was back then but deep down, i want it. bc this time, people would see it. they would know how bad it is and how my jokes are just a cry for help.

i have been put on more medication as of recently and im scaired. i dont know what it will do to me. will it kill me? will it make me put on weight? who knows. ive already had bulimia i dont need it again.

on top of this, im loosing my best friend. i can see how much they suffer. i can see how bad it is for them. they have made heaps of new friends recently and i am so happy for them but we so rarely talk now. when we do, its great. we used to see eachother every weekend, now we dont. i ask first to hang out and i feel bad, like im forcing them. i dont want to force them.

there was more i could have done for them that night. if it wasnt for those drugs. those fucking drugs. the dugs that i took to take me away from everything. to make me happy. but i wasnt happy. i was insane. i was deranged. surely anyone who looked at me could see it. that night i ripped out 4 teeth. one of them was an adult tooth. a mf adult tooth. i tore out a tooth. i was 13 by then.

i have to make my parents happy and when i dont i feel bad. i want to make my dad happy and go to his house but i hate that house. i want to make my mum happy but it always ends in an argument. i want to make my friends happy but i cant and if they can find friends to make them happy. then thats okay.

i just dont know anymore. everything is so blury. the paranoia is imence. i hate it. anyway. hope no one actually reads this.

there is SO much more but this is all for now

[ghostypetrainer]

oh god it must be trippy as shit for kuroaku/ingo

cause hes both people, the implanted memories dont fade, the old ones just come back. he still responds to kuroaku. thats part of him. thats still him. and he still misses the leader, and all his friends there, and akari. he knows it was wrong, but sometimes he still wants to go back.

I do wonder about this!! There's a lot of different ideas rattling around my head as to what a post-team chaos Ingo could look like!!

The ideal reality is one where he slowly starts to recover his previous self- it's a long and drawn out process, one that they probably could make faster by use of a psychic Pokemon of their own, but at this point... that's risky. They don't want to chance damaging Ingo's psyche anymore, even if the slow drawn out process of him returning to himself is painful to watch. But eventually, he returns to a point where he's mostly his old self, even if there are new parts mixed in that didn't fade entirely. He's not cruel like Kuroaku was, but takes to expressing his negative thoughts more freely than before, though he generally tries to coach his words into something less biting. He recognizes his friends and family again, starts responding to his name again... but he and Dawn always still call each other Akari and Kuro.

He's also deeply haunted by guilt for the rest of his life, but his friends and family's forgiveness go a long way to helping him move on in spite of it. He can't really wear black anymore, so he switches to wearing a lot of purples instead. It takes him awhile to face the Pokemon he gained during his time as Kuroaku head on, but he can't abandon them, and they slowly get to know their trainer's true self even though he's aware they are probably some of the few who miss him as they once knew him.

There's probably also a reality where Kuroaku and Akari flee after Team Chaos is defeated. Their own plans to rewrite reality to make themselves real failed too, so they instead choose to disappear. They're afraid of disappearing into their old selves, and they know it will happen if they stay. So they hide, living as uncle and niece in a remote town somewhere (maybe the scarlet/violet region?).

They find their own version of recovery there. There memories are still a fragmented mess of truth and lies, but they find a balance between them. They have each other- a tiny little family where they both have the unique experience of being themselves, even though themselves did not previously exist. They feel guilt for leaving their old loved ones behind as their old memories slowly start to mix in with the fake, and sometimes they send letters- taking care that they're not traced back to them. They don't know if they ever read them or not. It doesn't really matter.

Their old personalities emerge more, but they're left with good chunks of their new ones too. Kuro is still a cold man on the surface with a sharp tongue, but his kindness shows through his actions. There's no Pokecenter in town, so the kids living there take their injured Pokemon to Kuro, who always knows how to treat them. His advice is biting, and sometimes phrased in mean ways- but he's right, and it's always helpful. His niece Akari is friendly enough compared to her uncle, but she's still merciless in battle, and still uses underhanded tactics and loves to trash talk. But she'll still heal up your Pokemon afterwards- and if you do manage to beat her, she just laughs it off. Damn. You got her good!

They gradually realize that their actions while in Team Chaos were wrong, and that maybe this reality is... okay, actually. As long as they have each other, and their Pokemon, that's all that matters.

[reidsnose]

hair tie

overview: spencer and the reader start carpooling to work together

genre: fluff!!

a/n: i really dont know if this one is any good i just thought the idea was cute but let me know what yall think :)

masterlist

-

-

spencer was startled by the sudden knock, guests were rare in his little apartment, let alone this early in the morning. a bit paranoid he put his hand over the gun attached to his hip, just in case.

what surprised him even more than the unexpected knock was seeing you through the peep hole when he got to the door.

"y/n? are you ok?" he worried, scanning you up and down quickly to make sure you weren't hurt.

"no um i'm ok," you nervously chewed on your lip, "i was going to call you but i don't have your cell yet. oh my gosh this is going to sound so weird."

you were relatively new to the BAU and they were all very welcoming. the only person who seemed a little bit more closed off was Spencer.

it was true, he was avoiding you a little bit, but only because you were the most beautiful human being he had ever seen; which only made you that much more intimidating. he was afraid. what if he said something stupid? what if the second he opened his mouth you started thinking he was just his IQ. but you were fully a part of the team now. he would have to at least be aquatinted with you.

"its ok, you can say it." he encouraged kindly, causing you to visibly relax.

"ok. oh before i ask i want to preface this by saying you could totally say no i completely understand its a super weird thing especially because we barely know each other." you took a breath as he nodded, a slightly amused smile toyed with his lips.

"i understand the implications. proceed." he mentally slapped himself for wording his thoughts like that.

"do you maybe.. wanna drive to work together? i heard you talking about how you take the train and i also heard that you have an aversion to germs and i drive by your apartment to get to work anyway so i-" you cut yourself off, looking up and seeing him staring at you wide eyed. "i'm sorry this is too weird i over stepped my boundaries and now you dislike me even more. i'm sorry for interrupting your morning. um, you're going to be late for work if i don't leave you alone so ill just- sorry. i'm sorry."

truthfully, this was one of the kindest things anyone has ever offered to do for him. and you offered it with genuine kindness, no ulterior motives to try and get something from him. he stood stunned. how were you so beautiful AND kind. and still somehow a little intimidating.

"we're gonna be late" he called out.

"what?" you turned, having already walked a couple steps from his apartment, your heart beating a bit faster at the sound of his voice.

"you said i'm going to be late. but were carpooling. so we'll both be late," he said matter-a-factly, grabbing his coat and satchel.

"YES!" you laughed, a cracking a wide smile and punching the air triumphantly.

you leaned against the railing of the stairs as you watched him lock up. he was tall and slender and very handsome. so handsome. not handsome like morgan, handsome in a way you were sure you'd never seen before. an incredibly unique and scarce handsomeness that only Spencer Reid had. you tried to forget those thoughts as he began walking towards you.

"i don't dislike you, by the way." he blurted as the two of you walked down the stairs. he felt bad that he made you think he isn't fond of you; the problem was he was too fond of you.

"oh! thats good i've been trying to think of every interaction we've ever had because i was afraid i might have said or done something."

"truth be told," he huffed out a breath, "i was kind of intimidated by you."

you laughed a real, genuine laugh from deep in your belly as you reached your car. the sheer coincidence of the situation as well as your entirely non intimidating nature was seriously laughable.

"you cant be serious! did Garcia tell you?" you asked, completely dumbfounded.

"tell me what?" he asked back, confusion lacing his voice.

"that i was intimidated by you!" you confessed.

"what? this guy in Texas called me a pipe cleaner with eyes! how could i have possibly intimidated you?"

he looked around your car trying to subtly profile you. thats when he noticed you had put hand sanitizer in the passenger side door. and you had pushed the seat back to accommodate for his long legs. it was just two little things, two ways you put a little extra effort in to make him feel welcome, but he was 100% positive if he thought about it too much he would cry. he felt the need to do something like this for you. not to get even or anything, but simply because he wanted to make you feel the way he felt right now.

"i don't know! you're so tall and smart and you seemed quiet but i guess thats only because you were avoiding me. are you sure garcia didnt tell you?" you laughed, watching the road.

now it was his turn to laugh, "no i swear, Garcia didn't say anything about that to me!"

The two of you continued driving, either talking or sitting in a comfortable silence. and this little carpool became a tradition. the two of you arriving and leaving work together every single day, causing the two of you to become closer.

you had to admit, every morning and evening you spent with Spencer made him just seem more and more perfect. unbeknownst to you, the exact same thing was happening with him.

he noticed, one day, as you were pulling your hair up to tie in a ponytail, your hands alternated searching your wrists for a hair tie but there wasn't one there. once he noticed it once, he started noticing it constantly. on a case, in the office, in the car, at a bar. you always seemed to forget your hair ties.

so he went to the store after you drive him home one day, and got a few packs of hair ties. after paying for them, he put one on each wrist and the rest in his satchel, so next time, when you needed one, he'd have it.

he felt like such a creep, constantly watching you to see when you would try to put your hair up. of course the rest of the team took notice, though they had noticed your obvious incline towards each other, Spencer was clearly acting a little weird.

and then it happened.

the two of you were partnered to go to the crime scene on a case, and you went to tie up your hair before you entered the scene. he could hardly contain his excitement, his mind moving a mile a minute trying to decide how he wanted to give you the hair tie. he watched one of your hands search your wrist, but this time it pulled off a little black band and started looping it around your hair.

he couldn't believe it. he finally had a chance to make you feel a portion of the way he felt when he saw your effort in making his car Spencer-friendly, and new he had to think of a new way to do it.

snap.

he looked over and saw you holding what used to be your hair tie, now no longer a band, but a completely useless elastic line.

"you've gotta be-" you muttered to yourself, but your sentence was interrupted as Spencer nonchalantly jutted his wrist towards you. "what are you doing?"

"take my hair tie." he stated simply, trying so hard not to blush. this became even harder as your fingers graced the skin of his wrist while you pulled the hair tie off.

"oh! thank you! you're a life saver!" you breathed, cracking a wide smile as you used it to tie your hair up.

you couldn't help the butterflies going absolutely insane in your stomach. why did he have a hair tie? does he tie his hair up sometimes? why have you never seen it up? you tried to suppress a smile, that would be completely inappropriate for a crime scene.

but you couldn't suppress the warm feeling in your chest. because that was always there when Spencer was around.

-

ultra mega super cool taglist:

@mac99martin @imhreid @spencersmagic @hollydaisy23 @raelady1184 @a-broken-pact @padfootswife

[seawing-vibes]

Glory

you knew this was coming /j

Damn !!!! Glory^2 !! Fine I guess I’ll talk about her ,,, /nm/lh I legit enjoy talking about her don’t worry hehe

favorite thing about them

Girl is very sassy and witty and I love it eheh. She has a lot of really good lines and tends to know when and how to joke around in an effective and fun way ! Although I have my,, g r i p e s with how she treats her friends, I do love how she treats Starflight when she dream sees him again, it was really cute how much she joked with him and understood how to calm him down. Despite how she treats them most of the time, she does take note of her freinds and their needs and will sometimes tend to them and their needs and thats really nice! Also I will say that the things that annoy me, I do enjoy, shes a compelling and interesting character due to her flaws, I guess what primarily annoys me is the way shes framed by the narrative and a lot of fans as a good guy, shes flawed and does a lot of shiny things, and that makes her a cool character!! I enjoy her due to her complexity and flaws :]]!

least favorite thing about them

She completely infantilizes the Rainwings and is so fucking stubborn that she refuses to change her view on them throughout everything and only listens if they line up exactly with her vision, and THEN changed their entire culture and forces them into something they were vecerilly against </3!! and its treated like the hero for that!!!!! AUGH!!!!! Im sorry but the fact that she completely screws around with the Rainwings culture and refuses to listen to them or treat them as equals. She doesn’t even attempt to accept their culture outside of the small things and forces her own views on them blarg. I guess whats most frustrating is that it’s treated like a good deed in the narrative and not talked about,, like, it would’ve been something I actually would’ve been very invested in a story where they focused on Glory learning that she isn’t the ultimate right and needs to learn how to navigate this new culture even if it didn’t chop up to what she believed it would be,, I DUNNO!! Just thoughts bbhrbhhs

favorite line

"It's normal to be scared. I'm scared. You'd have to be crazy not to be — well, crazy, or Tsunami, which is basically the same thing. You just have to push that aside and do what you have to anyway." GILR YES, SUPPORT YOUR BROTHER YES PLEASE GREAT SIBLING MOMENT YEAH <333 I will accept the Tsunami slander here because it is true <3/pos

brOTP

DEATHBRINGER AND GLORY SIBLING RELATIONSHIP PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE Deathbringer wanting to join the DoD’s cause and being roped into Rainwing politics and just vibing and being the comic relief for Glory, like having a guy outside of the main group to be able to vent to and just be buddies with. Like hes got the perfect personality for it and its so gross that it became a romance thing, plus room for them to be besties and him crushing on her brother and go from besties to annoying step-siblings,,,,,,, it could’ve been great,,,,,,,,,,,, if it stayed fuckin platonic, anger.

Okay but also Glory & Kinkajou in canon is adorable what a relationship so cute I adore them <333

OTP

I dont really ship her with anyone? It feels weird to ship her honestly because I feel like shes still developing as a person (dragon?) and throwing her into a relationship as shes still discovering herself seems off, plus I dont know any character close to her that would help her that way wail being a good romantic partner, ya know?? Most ships I see her with (outside of the obvious) are quite cute! I just don’t personally ship any of them is all :0

nOTP

Gorybringer is gross and can die off please and thank you <3!!

random headcanon

Glory is overwhelmed as a Queen, she takes on two tribes in the beginning of her rule, knows nothing about either tribe, has been isolated her whole life so knows nothing about the world either, and overall just doesn’t know what shes doing (along side her crippling fear to speak to others about her issues) she finds it to be a very difficult time ruling on her own. Grander is not oblivious to this, and with Jambu’s help they team up to confront Glory with this issue, she is reluctant at first, and slowly but surly begins to agree and accept their help. After a year of rule they decide on a council system once again, Glory steps down from the throne to live as a citizen in both tribes for a while. She was very very against this initially but learns that its the best thing to do and takes it like a champ. For a few months she even works as a sub over at JMA to better understand a leadership role at a smaller degree. Through this shes still has a hand in royal decisions and politics, but shes not the sole head, she comes back to the role of a Queen after a year or two with a better understanding of her citizens and the rest of the world :]]!!

unpopular opinion

She shouldn’t have become queen at all, it wasn’t healthy for her or the Rainwings for her to rule and it would’ve been better for someone else to rule, I dunno who though its a messy situation ah

song I associate with them

San Cristóbal - Mal Blum

He song fits her so well I could analyze every line to fit her if you need me too, if I could animate there would be a PMV about her to that song immediately (I know the song is about a romantic relationship but it would be more about her self isolation from whomever she is interacting with, as she tends to automatically separate herself from others, either thinking shes above them or so different from them its not worth attempting interaction, its a very inserting trait and one I wish was explored more!!! This is not a complaint about her at all this is a fun assessment of her character Glory is so interesting)

favorite picture of them

Legit love this pose, I dunno why this pose makes my brain so happy

[kyuala]

cravity as exes

serim

he swears he's not trying to make this harder on you but your family keeps inviting him over for dinner and he just can't say no to them

i feel like serim is gonna have trouble functioning the first few days without you because you were genuinely such a huge part of his life and now that's gone

physically restrains himself from calling you whenever he gets any news - good or bad - bc you were always the first person he'd tell. it's instinct

i feel like with serim the decision to stay friends after the breakup or not could rly make it or break it for y'all. if getting back together isn't on the table he'd rather just be gone from your life completely. if it is tho....

probably the one to suggest getting back together tbh. he'd just rather work through whatever issue it was with you by his side

allen

too nice for his own good but i say this abt allen all the time bc it's true

but like, if things ended in a particularly nasty way (ie you cheating on him), i dont think he would think twice before setting some boundaries (nicely) and putting his own well-being first

still, is nice to you should you run into each other sometime but doesn't really wanna stay friends friends in case it makes it harder for his feelings for you to go away

throws himself into work whenever he finds himself missing you too much or longing for your old relationship. the type to try to work through this stuff on his own

i feel like getting back together could be a 50/50 chance with allen. you're never gonna know until you bring it up but if it does happen i think he'll make sure you both work to change and make it work this time

jungmo

an enigma. he seems hurt but how hurt is he? does he agree with this? does he want to get back together? is he already engaged to someone else? you're never gonna know unless you straight up ask him

if y'all decide to stay friends he is going to be a little awkward but as sweet as ever

when he truly gets over it he might even encourage you to go out there and try it with someone new! jungmo would be a wonderful ex tbh

i feel like he would just deal with this a lot better and in a healthier way than most. yea he gets sad about it but that's part of it for him, you know? he's not gonna dwell on it too much

if the chance to get back together comes up i don't think he would give it a lot of thought tbh lmfao if he misses you he'll wanna do it. if he doesn't he'll politely decline simple as that

woobin

academy award for best actor in the role of "totally okay with it when, really, he's not"

ruby is actually so good at hiding his feelings in this situation it would take a rly good set of eyes from his closest friends to notice he's actually Going Through It™

he would never be anything but nice to you but i feel like he would lowkey ignore you, at least for the first few weeks, 'cause he just doesn't know how to feel and it's a lot for him to process

gets really introspective when he's alone but not in the sense that he thinks a lot about you and the good moments you both shared - more like overanalyzing every little thing to try to figure out where things went wrong

again, doesn't really know how to feel when faced with the prospect of resuming the relationship. even tho he wouldn't rly be able to determine what went wrong, i feel like ruby would probably decide against it bc he strikes me as a "what is done is done" kind of guy

wonjin

goes into shock before getting sad as hell and claiming he's "hit rock bottom" (cue hyeongjun in the background "thats a glass of MILK wonjin")

says he doesn't care anymore and then keeps tabs on you LMFAO

feel like he would have a good ass cry abt your breakup like 3 times a week at least

if u speak to any other guy and he finds out he'll go into cardiac arrest while monologuing abt having been "replaced"

suggest getting back together tho and suddenly he'll start acting brand new like he's gonna have to think about it but if ur like alright nvm he's like NO NO WAIT I'LL DO IT

minhee

the type to keep your photos and videos together in a secret folder on his phone to look at when he's alone and missing you

but like literally deleted your number a couple of days after the breakup specifically so he wouldn't feel tempted to call you

absolutely makes a point of still being polite to you when you run into each other even if it was a nasty breakup

i feel like flashes of your lips and your most intimate moments would plague his mind when he's like trying to work or something lmfao he'd be angry as hell

will NOT even consider getting back together unless he's 100% sure the issues that led to the breakup have been thoroughly resolved

hyeongjun

SO dramatic god he will annoy everyone at the dorm and every single soul who'll listen with how much he talks about you

keeps loudly sighing around the house and slamming doors and minhee has to be like dude they're not even here stop doing that

probably gets emotional a lot and has to hold back his feelings when he's around you, so he gets noticeably quieter and teary-eyed

if u still hang out with the same mutual friends he regularly comes up to you at parties and dreamily sighs about "we did have some good times didn't we" and ur like ????

honestly probably thinks the breakup is bullshit i feel like he'd try to make up and get back together like 3 minutes into it

taeyoung

will give you the option to stay friends even if you hurt him real bad

will keep hanging out with the same friends you have in common and will be upset if you refuse to 'cause he lowkey kinda expects to still see you around

i feel like for taeyoung staying friends is gonna make things a lot easier - still seeing you, still laughing with you, still having you in his life. being cut off from your life entirely and abruptly would make the whole thing harder for him

tries not to get caught up in nostalgia and missing you and honestly actually succeeds

the idea of getting back together is lowkey always in the back of his mind. like the minute you suggest it he says yes, doesn't even have to think about it

seongmin

petty ex 🗣️

but only bc your breakup hit him harder than he'd like to admit, whoever made the decision

type to block u on all socials tbh

doesn't like to talk about it and doesn't want to hear what you've been up to and how you've been, like it will take a whiiiiile for him to open up even to his closest friends

if the idea of getting back together comes up a huge weight is gonna be lifted off his shoulders but i also feel like seongmin would need to take a few days to think about it and be sure. he doesn't want to go through this again :/

main masterlist | cravity masterlist

[jaekaicx]

so ive had this idea for an amphibia fangame for a lil while now-

(LONG post)

its based around the idea that sometime after anne got sent back to earth, she decides to sneak out one night to visit sasha and marcys bedrooms and poke through their stuff. this causes a bunch of memories to come back to anne through flashbacks while she tries to process everything thats happened and her feelings abt their friendship.

i was thinking itd be mostly a visual novel type thing. maybe with a few small choices, but the story would be mostly linear. thered be around 3 main story beats: a prologue bit w/ anne sneaking out of her house, marcys bedroom, and sashas bedroom. also one of the main mechanics would be looking at one of their bedrooms and clicking on random objects of importance and triggering a flashback sequence.

it came from the idea that anne will probably try to just shove all her emotions down and try to ignore her feelings abt true colors and everything that went down then. especially with what we saw in the sneak peek, anne will probably try to hide her emotions and bottle them up, which is obviously not healthy. so eventually shes gonna have to work through her emptional baggage and try to process everything.

i havent thought through EVERYTHING just yet, just some more major plot points and maybe one or two ideas for flashbacks. nothing too solid yet. but heres a bit more detailed runthrough of the plot

summary - prologue

so it would start off with anne at home. she and her mom are talking outside annes room. her moms concerned abt how annes been handling everything that happened in amphibia but anne keeps brushing everything off. her mom tries to get her to open up, but she keeps dismissing her and eventually shuts herself in her room. after taking a bit to cool off and think anne decides that shes gonna take the night to just ride off her emotions and stop repressing them for once. she also makes an impulsive decision to sneak out and check out marcy and sashas rooms.

anne goes to gather her stuff in her room, and just as shes about to climb out the window, sprig walks in to check on her. hes still rly concerned abt his big sis but he knows he cant stop her. he tries to go with anne, but she tells him she needs to do this on her own. so, sprig lets her go and tries to cover for her while shes gone.

so at this point i’ll probably give the player the choice of whose house to visit first. it doesnt rly impact the story or whatever, but i guess it might have a small emotional impact depending on whose house u choose to go to first??

(quick note: after this bit, there arent too many specific details for the plot and stuff like that. its largely just an overall idea of how the plot is gonna go. and even then, there isnt much to it. i didnt think that far ahead yet, which is why there isnt as much refinement yet. so far i just have general ideas for how annes gonna get to the bedrooms, with a couple of vague flashback ideas. just keep that in mind; this whole thing is still being thought over and planned as im typing this out)

summary - sasha

with sasha, annes still rly conflicted abt how she feels abt her. of course shes still rly hurt by being backstabbed by her twice and swordfighting her as many times. but as much as she hates sasha she cant bring herself to fully give up on sash. she hates her guts but deep down shes still willing to give sash another chance.

there may or may not be a small sequence where anne has to sneak into sashas house, but eventually she works her way into sashas room. im not entirely sure abt the details of sashas house n her family yet. im probably gonna wait for info from s3 until i solidify anything, but for now i do know that sashas family has a big house n theyre probably rich.

so anne goes into sashas room and its been left pretty much untouched ever since annes birthday, save for the few times someone came in to dust things off. again, dont rly have all the details for sashas room, but it kind of has a vibe of controlled chaos, with organized clutter and a bit of a touch of a rebellious teen girl. one detail i do want to have is a calendar opened up to the month the trio disappeared, with annes birthday circled and highlighted so much that its impossible to miss.

the calendar itself might include a flashback. im thinking of also having a varsity jacket and some old stuffed animal be different “artifacts” that trigger their own memories. there’ll be a bunch more, but those are the only ideas i have so far fjsbndnd

summary - marcy

ok so i want to be rly mean about marcys segment: this is going off the theory that marcys parents moved away while the trio was in amphibia.

anne doesnt know this yet tho, so shes in for quite a surprise when she turns onto marcys street to find a realtor sign on the front lawn. the clues are all there: an empty driveway, sign on the lawn, an overall empty vibe coming from the house. but it doesnt completely register at first. its not til anne actually comes up close does she notice the sign.

anne tries to deny it, and decides to prove to herself that “no marcys parents wouldnt do this. theyre not that cruel. im just gonna check marcys room myself.” the front doors locked, so she just goes over to marcys window and climbs in.

but its completely empty.

ok not totally empty, but a lot of marcys furniture and stuff is gone, except for a few stray toys and other “junk.” the home guys (idk what theyre called????) are still kind of in the process of cleaning everything out, so theres still some stuff left here and there around the house. but its still way too empty. and its yet another gut punch for anne.

anne searches the rest of the house a bit more, hoping that shes just hallucinating. but no, marcys parents are really gone. she tried to deny it before, but now she has more of an idea of how shitty the wu parents are. so anne decides to just mope around in marcys old room, checking out the stuff their parents left behind.

maybe she finds an old blanket marcy liked when he was rly young. or an old rubiks cube from marcys vast collection. a cnc figurine, some cards, a pride flag, and old diary? a couple of other old toys, an old report card or two, or maybe even some stray clothes. whatever anne finds, its all thats left of marcy, at least in LA.

it really doesnt leave anne in that much of a better emotional position. she already felt conflicted enough about what happened in true colors and what she found out abt marcy. but seeing even a small glimpse of what marcy was dealing with, it just makes her more confused. marcy was such a sweet kid! theres no way they couldve done anything wrong. yet here anne was, betrayed by both of her childhood friends.

only now is anne really taking the time to process the fact that marcy essentially kidnapped her and sasha with the calamity box. he didnt mean to do it, and theres no way they couldve known the box would actually work, but it doesnt completely excuse marcy. his actions still hurt anne and sash, and while they meant the best of intentions, it didnt rly come through that way.

and now marcy was dead. stabbed in the back by the newt king.

and now annes curled up in an empty bedroom, wrapped up in one of marcys old blankets, trying to wrap her head around her feelings about marcy while reminiscing in the past.

summary - extras/epilogue??

i kind of like the idea that anne ends up drifting off in which ever bedroom ended up being the second one she visited. she slowly comes back to consciousness, with her surroundings feeling somewhat familiar, only to wake up in horror bc “OH SHIT I FORGOT TO GO BACK HOME” im not completely sold on the idea tho bc it feels a bit abrupt and like too much of a tone shift?? idk it doesnt feel exactly right

but anyways, im also playing around with the idea of a small epilogue scene with the calamity trio hanging out in annes room, a good amount of time after amphibia ended. dont know what theyre doing in there, but theyre just chilling and feeling a bit nostalgic i guess.

but uh yeah thats pretty much what ive got for the overall idea. it doesnt feel too out of reach, but somethjng like this would definitely be ambitious. i could mayyyybe handle writing out the vn and drawing the character sprites, but i have no idea how to code a vn or draw detailed backgrounds, both of which would be pretty important to this fangame fjsndj. so i might consider having help with this.

THIS ISNT ANY SORT OF PROMISE OR WHATEVER. id rly love to follow through and make this fangame a thing, but im not making any guarantees. i have no idea if i’ll actually follow through, but i would definitely love to.

who knows. maybe in like a couple years this might actually become a thing. but for now i have no idea

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[nicomrade]

🥰 pls go off about miss fujiko....

you know that thing that goes "everything is sex except sex which is power"? miss fujiko understood that perfectly and she knows love is control and she needs control over her own life. and i think her 'femme fatale' characterization and her 'business woman' characterization get to that same thing, it's just that one has her get control through her Female Qualities and the other has her get it through Money. she girlbosses gaslights gatekeeps because shes not going to be made to feel small/powerless (again?) and well, who doesnt want things to go their way. who doesnt want to be in charge. who doesnt like to make the law bend under their boot. who doesnt like to feel powerful, important, feared.

and i think ok so i dont have an opinion on her backstory cause i think it fits her a lot to not have any of her past really Defined cause, who IS fujiko mine? where does the liar and manipulator end and where does the person begin? is it even worth it to make a distinction? and its made obvious in the 3rd episode of her mini series cause here she is under a fake name and a wig looking after kids (fujiko doesnt like kids) being a Nice Woman Lady and she befriends goemon that way and then she reveals shes actually Fujiko Mine, evil liar deceitful manipulator etc and its like well . . . . fujiko no offense but arent both of those personas? didnt you show some of your true colors while wearing the wig and arent you lying with your hair down? arent you both the mask and the wearer? isnt there a middleground, a compromise between the two identities? arent you just buying into the misogyny thats been projected onto you? neither madonna nor whore etc etc etc

AND... ok i have 2 more things i wanna bring up the first one is really quick so she hums and sings kinda often all things considered right? in part 1 ep 2 shes introduced singing in the shower (sorry about that scene btw) and in part 2 she befriends nessie (!!) because shes singing and the cryptid likes it, theres more exemple of this kinda thing. so my little head canon is that her dream job/fantasy job/whatever is to be a musical actress? like shes happy being a thief/spy/etc and if she wasnt one she prolly would do something else but she leans against her bike sometime and thinks well thatd be neat wouldnt it..... Performing... doing her little songs... in pretty costumes... on a stage......

i was gonna bring up her backstory episode frm part 1 but i already told you about it like 3 times so ... im still kinda mad about how part 5 wrote her cause like yeas good explore her relationship w lupin pogger but also dont make it look like SHES the one left wondering about the others feelings. its like. eveyrone knows lupin loves her he tells her every morning and zenigata knows it and everyone knows it SHES the one sending mixed signals (queen behavior) with a complicated relationship with sexuality (due to using it as a weapon/tool like dont even get me started on how her refusing to kiss lupin CAN be read as her refusing to TRICK him because she uses her sexuality to TRICK people and its become so hard to dissociate the two) wtf was i saying. OH YE AND SO HER asking HIM what his feelings for her are is out of character and nonsensical he shouldve been the one to be like "hey fujicakes so u saved my life this is poggers and all but i havent seen you in 9months, last time you said you needed space from me and now ure just flirting like nothing happened? what the fuck?" and her arc being you know. . . . having to be honest with people for once in her life wouldve been way more interesting than putting her in a literal cage in a wedding dress sitting on her ass :)

BUT i dont wanna make it look like her whole character is tied to lupie they couldve gone w something entirely different too. what if they made her pass the bechdel test for once PLEASE give her homoerotic interactions with the (adult) npc girl this time please please please youre NOTHING

IN CONCLUSION: I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore / I just know that I'm harder to console / I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me / But the key is a question of control (depeche mode a pain that im used to)

[shattered-catalyst]

Intro to OCD for the RPC part 1/?

This is a balmy 6 page document on the VERY BASICS of OCD by a person who has had OCD for over 15 years and knows their shit.

If you want to write a character who has OCD this series is going to be a good starting point. If you dont know much about OCD I encourage you to read it so you can be an ally to those of us who have the disorder.

OCD is made into a cultural joke and when there isnt the ‘Obsessive Cat disorder’ bullshit its an angst off with other people and their non-ocd intrusive thoughts. Its different. Do your research and be an ally.

This will cover the very very basics. The next post will look into subtypes of OCD and how those are experienced.

 Whomst can write it? 

Literally anyone as long as you 

● Do so respectfully and not make a mockery of the disorder and the harm it causes in peoples lives 

● Dont make OCD the characters single thing or boil them down to it entirely ● Do respect the experiences and opinions of muns who have the disorder if they have concerns about your portrayal.

● Dont milk it for angst - unless you have OCD in which case release some of your angst.

● Dont try and say you know what intrusive thoughts are because they have *insert any other neuro a-typical thing here* 

● Dont police how Muns who have OCD choose to portray it. Its our experience not yours. I like to write out my characters OCD as I experience OCD so my experiences are different from other muns. OCD is very diverse in its effects but always ask if you arent sure.

. What isnt OCD? 

● Cleanliness or organization- OCD is NEVER an adjective. 

● Planning/ Hypervigilance/Organized/Methodical 

● Turning light switches on and off, unplugging things (find out more on later time)

 ● “I have to organize my pencils otherwise it bothers me” “ I have to make sure my mattress is straight” “ my nails have to be the same length” are all typical responses from people WHO DO NOT have OCD. 

● Making sure objects are lined up neatly 

● Having things go in a particular order like the letters CDO as the joke goes

● Really loving Cats, Corgis, or Christmas; if you own any of these items i urge you to reflect and also send me 10$ (jk but do reflect)

The Barest minimum 

Google OCD this will be an advanced version of OCD. This will be long but if you want to be aware of others or want to write the character you will read it. 

OCD is made of Obsessions. Triggers. Anxiety, Compulsions/Rituals.

1. Obsessions are the thoughts 

2. Triggers are the object/person/image/situation/smell ETC 

3. The Anxiety occurs is at uncomfortable levels to the point of panic or anxiety attacks

 4. Compulsions or Rituals are performed 

*There is a variant of OCD called Pure O. In this individuals have the obsessions triggers and anxiety but there is NO compulsion or ritual. This is still valid OCD. 

Obsessions are the precursors to the flawed unwanted and harmful intrusive thoughts: 

Im going to use you so you really understand this because its important.If you misunderstand this you are basically encouraging a mental health condition and dont get a sticker for reading this far. 

First check out this link as it has ALL the subtypes and examples. 

Obsessions can be hidden by the intrusive thought and teasing them out can be difficult to do if you have the disorder because well its a disorder okay thats why. It boils down to ‘i could harm someone’ ‘i could cause harm’ ‘ i may have accidentally harmed ___’ ‘ i may accidentally harm’ etc 

This is the flawed powerful belief that predate the Intrusive Thought. 

Intrusive thoughts appear in every brain on earth. They are not special or unusual however intrusive thoughts with OCD get stuck in the brain- meaning they stay there no matter what you do. So yes , they are different from intrusive thoughts in other conditions. 

The thing about OCD is that it latches on to what you hold dear; it may be you are a caring person and love children and animals- your OCD would give you intrusive violent or sexual thoughts or images. These are horrible to experience. They are not welcome nor appreciated and there is no benefit or positive side to having them. 

If say social justice is something you hold dear your ocd may take the form of intrusive thoughts of slurs, jokes, visuals etc. These are horrible to experience and lead to high levels of anxiety and are not positive nor beneficial to have in any way shape or form. 

Maybe you would not harm someone or you value others; your OCD may present as graphic intrusive images or thoughts around poisoning, stabbing,accidental..ly murdering (yeah you read that right), hitting, insulting etc someone else 

I must emphasize this because it is critical that people understand POCD: for the sake of those of us who have OCD read this until its burned into your brain. 

This is the fucked up awful Obsessive thought that you are/were/ or could be sexually attracted to children. This is NOT pedophilia. People kill themselves over this because they are afraid that these intrusive thoughts are true. People isolate themselves and dont have families out of fear of harming a child. People take work in different fields or avoid areas with children out of the absolute terror their obsessive thoughts could be true. This is NOT pedophilia. There is NO attraction present.

Most people who experience POCD intrusive thoughts would rather punch a sharknado than even THINK of hurting a kid in any way shape or form. That is why the OCD does its thing it is like having an abusive brain. 

Again for clarity's sake 

If you value social justice -> the intrusive thoughts violate social justice stuff 

If you value animals -> intrusive thoughts come up with harming animals 

If you care about the protection and safety of children -> POCD 

Triggers would be the situation, scenario, object, person,creature, context etc that is related to the Obsession. It can be literally anything. 

What follows is a hell of a lot of anxiety that can range anywhere from discomfort to full on panic attacks. 

Everyone has different intrusive thoughts and everyone experiences different amounts of distress upon being triggered. 

● As a side bar. Do not ever try and expose someone to their triggers or write about a character being exposed to their triggers as a way to help ‘cure them’ or ‘expose them’ to ANYTHING. What you are doing is literally taking someone with a mental illness and shoving them into a breakdown and thats a piece of shit move. Exposure therapy does exist and is done by professionals TRAINED in ERP. My parents did this a lot and I am positive I am not alone in that experience. 

Compulsions or Rituals: Now you may be saying ‘hey i know what those are’ yeah dude me too and I have had ocd for over 15 years and trained in mental health for 7 and guess what. They teach ya wrong. 

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. 

This can be as passive as ‘i am leaving the room’ ‘ i am checking my body sensations’ ‘ i am trying SO HARD TO HEAR MY HEARTBEAT’ .

 It can also be repeating the same thing over and over. To illustrate this I once mentally chanted the same song lyric line on a 3 hour plane ride because otherwise we were all going to die. I took one for the whole team.

It can be somatic things like counting your heart beats, focusing on your breathing, swallowing, staring and not blinking for so many seconds. 

It can be readjusting clothing until the seams fit. It can be checking god yes checking IK its a common trope but it IS a compulsion that has ruined my life and can be as passive as checking my reality or texting for proof my cat is still alive. It can also be checking yourself for assurance you wouldnt do the intrusive thought or that the intrusive thought isnt going to happen.

Compulsions are mentally painful and sometimes physically painful; 

● Washing your hands with scalding water for 5+ minutes can lead to horribly dry and cracking skin to down right BURNS.

● If you do the same movement you can mess up joints and ligaments. So if you pray constantly you may have knee issues from standing and kneeling.

● If your compulsion has you doing movement against an object ie say gripping and regripping something you get callouses. 

● If you compulsively exercise you may get trapped doing something above a healthy amount or say going from not working out to running a five minute mile and wiping out on a treadmill because your brain demanded it. Totally didnt do that... 

● If your compulsions make you rub against any object you can get friction burns and scars. 

To put this in perspective 15 years of compulsions have left my hands and finger joints a complete mess, damaged my arm tendons, friction scars on my arms that only now faded, and scars on my legs from doing too much of an activity. 

Its not lmao I gotta fix these pencils its real agony and real torture. 

In short compulsions and rituals are not fun they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 

OCD disrupts relationships with social components such as ; 

Obsessively checking in with partner/friend if things are ‘okay’ (this feels horrible to do too fyi like you KNOW things are fine but you cant NOT because the anxiety is SO BAD), 

Relationship OCD is a WHOLE category itself! this ties into sexuality OCD where your obsessive thoughts prey on your sexuality (regardless of your orientation), your relationship, cheating or being disloyal etc.

OCD causes significant withdrawal from others, fears of being a monster, intense guilt over intrusive thoughts, disgust with yourself over the intrusive thoughts sometimes leading to self punishment. 

OCD leads to strange behavior which more often than not leads to bullying and ostracization. To exemplify this I have an intrusive thought that I have stolen something when I am inside stores, my check-check-check-check-check-recheck! of my pockets gets me store security called so often its criminal.

OCD limits activities that may expose them to triggers or influenced by intrusive thoughts ie: not being able to take the train to work or only getting off at bus stops with even numbers.

OCD impacts where they spend time, who they associate with, what jobs they take or even if they have a family or not

OCD leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and fear over having intrusive thoughts or images that they experience which causes them to socially isolate or have difficulty in social situations. 

OCD leads to Hyperfixation: like a lot of other things but thankfully it is just hyperfixation and not different from other diagnoses. 

OCD leads to rigidity or structured routines: I have listened to the same CD in my car for 5 years now. Every single day. 5 Years.And Im not okay with that. 

OCD impacts standards we hold ourselves to and others: its like regular perfectionism but like add on 5 extra layers of anxiety! 

OCD according to NIMH statistics 

1.2% Occurrence among US adults 

2.3% Lifetime Prevalence among US adults 

34.8% Of Adults who have OCD suffer moderate impairment to daily functioning 50.6% of Adults who have OCD suffer serious impairment to daily functioning

OCD has strong co-morbidity with the following:

Tourettes Syndrome- is a genetic friend of OCD and if you have tourettes or OCD your chances of having someone else in the family is high

ADHD

Autism 

GAD

Eating Disorders

Depression - this is a big one along with low self esteem because of the intrusive thoughts

Writers like to make jokes about characters “being OCD” well now they have clinical OCD and you should consider fleshing out your character with this information just as you would any other disorder.

Batman (DC)

Riddler (?)(DC)

Domino (Marvel)

 Cyclops (Marvel)