#cathartic venting

[ghastlyaffairs]

for something as trivial and simple those feelings sure are hard to get rid of

also made a gif a version for fun + alt version with no tears under the cut

the gif is in very low resolution...this is a feature (i could make it bigger but that would require saving each frame individually and than glueing it all together. also i feel like low resolution suits it better. aesthetically and fits the mood)

[2aceofspades]

TW: Gross stuff..? I dunno, but it ain't pretty

|

My own enemy

weight lifted

[sealbug]

Personal hell

[authenticcadence18]

can’t sleep. here’s doodles for an animatic I’ll never post. ✌️

[weepylucifer]

When i started disco elysium i thought, well, obviously Kim is normal and regular (I would later be proven wrong), so his clothes must be what regular cops wear in disco elysium world. But then we see other cops and they’re wearing like... black suits. Uniforms. And THEN it turns out that what Kim is actually doing is closet-cosplaying as a pilot of an airforce that doesn’t exist anymore. This is like if someone came to work in complete Civil War reenactment costume. Why does he do this? Because he just wants to i Guess

[tyrianludaship]

But in the end, When it's your turn to be judged, You'll get what you fucking deserve, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Oblivions Peak - Knocked Loose

[baalzebufo]

SET TO DETONATE AND RESONATE !

[hella1975]

hiiii haha. hello. exceptionally awkward introduction bc idrk how to start something like this so let's just jump right in. im taking a break from this account for a bit. i know i said i wanted taob out before halloween and currently im fine sticking with that deadline, but if i decide i need longer away then i will take longer away. every time ive reassured people that id never abandon a fic and updates will always come eventually i never once considered that my writing and ability to feel safe and comfortable on this site would be actively taken from me, so im not even going to apologise. i dont want this either and more importantly i dont fucking deserve it. i dont know what it is in the past year, if ive hit a certain amount of followers or 'popularity' that's made it so the natural ratio of positive to negative interactions must in turn go up, but there's been a serious uptick in weird asks for me. the annoying part is that a very small amount of them are actually objectively mean and hateful, the rest are just weird and invasive from people who seemingly dont realise that's what they're being. ive reached a point where i dont care if the intentions are good. it's not my job as a 20 year old tumblr user of all things to defend the morality of someone who couldnt even bother to come off anon. unfortunately, after blocking only one or two anons, the weird asks have decreased substantially, which says all you need to know about the fascinating and exhilarating lives led by these people, but ive also gone on to turn anon asks off entirely. this is something i actively fought against doing and had to be pushed into by my mutuals (who have been the coolest people on planet earth during this entire thing). turning off anon was a big deal to me even if it sounds silly. i felt betrayed and like id been backed into a corner because it was so vehmently something i DIDNT WANT that to feel like i had to do it anyway for my own mental health??? that sucks. so even though ive 'fixed' the problem, im still kind of reeling and uncomfortable every time i come on tumblr. i hope it's just something i need time to ease because i'll truly be devastated if this becomes 'ruined' for me. tumblr exists as the only place in the world where i am honestly every facet of myself without shame or hesitation; losing that would be insanely harmful to me. and to the people who cant appeal to the actual human behind the post, let me put that in words you can understand: we wouldn't get any more writing 😦😦😦 riots and fires and sirens, i know. so yeah. to anyone who has sent me an anon ask and you're now wondering if you were part of the problem, im firmly of the belief that you'll know if you are. when i say 'weird asks' i dont mean 'you sent me a para about your personal life just to vent or ask for advice' or 'you sent me a really deep emotional compliment about the impact me and/or my writing has had on you' - i love asks like that, so much that i put off taking a break and turning off anon solely for the joy they bring me. im sorry that it might feel like you're being punished too bc of the actions of what in reality is a HANDFUL of weird people, but this is what i feel like i have to do to feel safe and not go insane every time i log in. love you guys, hopefully ill see you soon x

[chubbidust]

you should draw more splatoons attacking eachother with their teeths

i've always enjoyed the idea of inkfish getting feral when pissed off.

[bugdotpng]

hi here’s more medical trauma / deconstruction stuff

[ribbonetteart]

Bleeding Heart

[pastelribbonsxx]

No I’m not projecting my horrific period cramps onto transmasc Leo whaaaat that would be crazyyyyyy…

[daylillie]

I hate this fucking thing in my brain. I don’t care anymore. I’ve literally lost everything to this god damn worthless piece of shit disorder. Mother fucking parasitic cesspool disease.

I push everyone in my life away. I use people to make myself feel better. To appease OCD. My reassurance seeking is unmanageable. I feel like my blood is going to explode out of my body constantly because I can’t get reassurance anymore. So, I make whatever these bullshit posts are so that I can stop waking up at night in panic wanting to vomit every second.

I don’t want to be negative on tumblr all the time, and I like spreading awareness about mental health. It’s important to me, even if only a few people see it. But I used to come here as an escape and for fun. Fiction is the only place where I feel like I belong. Connecting with other people who love the same things I do. Creating things that make me feel something, screaming into the void and knowing someone else gets it. Whatever.

I can’t even do that anymore (right now) even though I deeply care about it. I put too much importance on it. OCD loves important things. I get intrusive thoughts about the things I create that torture me every damn day. I overthink everything to the point it doesn’t make sense anymore. I feel like I don’t deserve to interact with other creators because of my disorder. Magical thinking doesn’t let me do shit. I have to check my socials and re-read everything I write to make sure I didn’t accidentally post something inappropriate or in the wrong app. Re-read it again one hundred fucking times until it feels right. There is not one single thing I don’t get stuck on.

I don’t know what’s real anymore. I can’t tell if I’m spiraling into a severe mental breakdown or if I’m in psychosis (OCD does not usually cause psychosis but it can make you question if you’re in it). My medicine doesn’t work for like another 2-3 weeks. If it even helps (for the record, if anyone reads this: medicine does help a lot of people I just have an extreme case).

I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to ask for help, but I’m scared to because I don’t know what that will look like or what happens when I let go.

[cosmicheartz]

I should probably be going to bed but I was thinking a lil abt recovery arc Clem and how he has a bit of an identity crisis due to the fact that his depression was a huge part of his personality/identity and in a weird way he found comfort in the misery and now that he’s bettering his mental health that sort of fog/misery funk he’s been in has been clearing up and now Clem is struggling a bit to figure out who he is/wants to be

[agavegator]

Redesigned a plushie dreadful for some catharsis

[steakout-05]

something that had always been really frustrating for me when i was still in math classes in school was trying to watch the teacher actually work the problem out on the board and still not understanding wtf was happening. for some context, i heavily suspect that i have some form of dyscalculia because math and numbers literally do not compute properly in my brain. it'd be too long to explain the full extent of my possible dyscalculia here but math literally does the mental equivalent of maxing out the CPU power and memory of a computer to the point where it freezes and lags to my brain.

math class was always stressful for me because no matter what i did and how much progress i made, there was always a lack of understanding i had when it came to trying to work any math problem out long term and remembering anything. it felt like there was always something i was missing, so when the time came for the teacher to explain and go through a math problem step-by-step on the whiteboard, i made sure i paid as much attention to it as humanly possible as child-to-teenager me could muster and even then i still did not understand how the fuck they solved it, all because of one thing: the teacher pulling a random number completely out of their ass that happened to be the key to solving the problem.

like. i don't think i can illustrate how frustrating and isolating this was to experience with words alone. here i was, paying as much attention as i physically could, trying my damned hardest to memorise each individual step and calculation in order to understand how to get from point A to point B. everything made perfect sense up until the teacher suddenly stops for a second and writes a seemingly completely unrelated number there with no context as to why it's there in the first place, and then, in that singular moment, everything immediately comes crumbling down and i'm left completely confused. and somehow, everyone else around me perfectly understands it except me. like. imagine sitting there, giving the teacher all the attention you possibly could, literally watching and studying their hand movements just to understand every single step, only to be even more confused than your classmates, who you're pretty sure were half-asleep during the explanation, who also say they understand how the teacher came to that conclusion. what. the actual fuck.

when i try to explain how infinitely confusing and irritating this was for me, i'm reminded of a quote from that video Patricia Taxxon made about DHMIS: "The rug is pulled again ... There was never any hope of following the thread, understanding is impossible.". even when i was literally trying my best to possibly follow anything that was happening, the rug still gets pulled out from under my feet and i'm sent all the way back to square one of not understanding a single thing and being confused again. all because the teacher didn't explicitly explain how they got that random number that was apparently singlehandedly necessary for solving the equation and where they got it from, apart from that place being from literally fucking nowhere.

it's really no wonder that i eventually stopped giving a shit about paying attention in math class, because even when i was, it was still daunting and incomprehensible as always. why bother trying anymore when trying still gets you nowhere? trying to ask the teacher where they got that number from was an impossible to understand task as well, as their either snapped back with a "well you should have been paying attention" (even though i WAS but whatever) or they do explain that they added the first two numbers from the equation together or something, but now i'm wondering why they didn't just explain that in the first place like they did with everything else instead of seemingly just assuming everyone would know to do that.

by the way, if i had to give an estimate, my math ability is probably still at like. a 5th grader's level at best. so uh. yeah it's not good. still, it is kinda funny to me though, not only because i do find a bit of humour in the situation, but also because some people are often so quick to judge someone's intelligence purely based on their mathematical abilities alone. like. the idea of someone calling me dumb for still needing to do addition with my fingers despite the fact that my reading and language levels are considered above average is really funny to me lmaooo