#real life is kinda gross sometimes...sorry leo :|

[2aceofspades]

TW: Gross stuff..? I dunno, but it ain't pretty

|

My own enemy

weight lifted

[krystalreverb]

Give an Inch, Take Infinity (Preview)

HERE WE GO AGAIN LADIES AND GENTLEBUTTS

Xander is expected to dance at his coronation ball. Xander has two left feet. Laslow must attempt to correct this before the coronation ball. The ball is a mere month away. Does Laslow have the skill required to make Xander not look like a fool at his own ball? It doesn't help that neither of their mental health situations after the war aren't exactly in perfect condition. Also, what's this growing warmth inside them that's only growing stronger as the ball comes closer and closer?

Takes place after Conquest if only because I wanted to use Garon's gross drippy oozy form from Conquest, so pretend Hoshido has Hinoka on the throne and pretend Corrin is just sorta.... hanging around castle krakenburg eating pizza and smooching silas

Ok so backstory Laslow married Azura in the war but as we all know Azura is toast after the war so Soleil and Shigure live somewhere in Windmire doing their thing but Laslow still lives at the castle, Laslow is actually super sad about her death

because the focus is on xanlow though it's kinda

well, he gets over it

siegbert doesn't exist because xander never got married in the war, so soleil and shigure are adults but siegbert doesn't exist yet

leo married nyx that's why forrest exists

neither odin nor selena got married in the war so no ophelia and no insert other kid here

more casually intimate and casually affectionate Xander because it's my lifeblood

in the fic he only really shows it to laslow but its my headcanon he's sweet and huggy and affectionate with them both

ok so headcanons: shigure is aro/ace but doesn't really have an idea of what that means so he's kinda a little moody and confused and angry and angsty but he gets it together in the end, but for the first mmm vague chunk of the fic he's really angsty and angry and needs an outlet for his stress and takes out his aggression on laslow because daddy issues

soleil and shigure have an okayish relationship but shigure and laslow don't get along so soleil is kinda stuck in the middle

because I love it when these characters hurt because I am awful

Ylissean = French, Feroxi = Spanish, Nohrian = German because I'm very lazy

i'm also 27 and still in my songfic phase so please bear with me on these things I love you all so much

this is basically Xanlow: The Musical

Give an Inch, Take Infinity

“Alright, milord, put your left hand here.... yes, right like that, and your right hand in mine, there we are. Now one, two, three, one, two, three—aaagh!” Laslow yelped as his foot was stepped on for the dozenth time that day.

“Sorry.” Xander muttered, flushing again. “Laslow, this is clearly useless. I've done nothing but step on your feet and trip over myself for the last three hours. This is humiliating.”

“Nonsense. You took ten whole minutes to step on my foot that time. You're getting better.” Laslow said quickly, taking his lord's arms up again. Xander stepped back and dropped his arms.

“I need to take a break, Laslow. This is exhausting.” Xander sounded more defeated by this than any of the sticky situations they ended up in during the war. Xander dropped down inelegantly to sit on the floor of the music hall, holding his head in his hands. Laslow bit his lip and knelt down to eye level with him.

“I understand, milord. Really, I do. Let me fetch some water for us, and we'll start again soon. I'm terribly sorry, milord, but as important as this is, I can't let you off scot-free.”

“I know. You're only doing what I asked, and it's quite literally your job to do what it is I ask of you.” Xander sighed. “Just.... give me a few minutes to catch my breath.”

Laslow nodded quietly and trotted off, fetching a glass of water for his lord. When he returned, Xander was sitting on the music hall's main stage, with his legs dangling off the edge. He was staring off into space, looking very distraught. Laslow tapped him gently on the knee to get his attention, and Xander looked down. Laslow held up the glass, and Xander took it. Laslow climbed up onto the stage next to him.

“I know that look in your eye. You never had a real chance to grieve.” Laslow said softly. “I've seen that look before. Milord, I want you to know that it's alright to let yourself feel. You're always so.... bottled up.”

Xander sunk his head into his hands and sighed. “I have to be, Laslow. I'm about to be coronated as King. A King can't spend his days feeling and grieving. A King has to be strong and lead his people.”

“I know. Believe me, I know. And I'm here for you, every step of the way, my lord. But you need to feel sometimes, otherwise it's going to drive you mad. So, talk to me. What's wrong?” Laslow asked, placing his hand on Xander's forearm.

“My father is dead, Laslow.” Xander said bluntly. “Dead by our own hands, and how am I meant to cope with that? I led a genocide, forced to fight or die, and now my father, a man I used to trust and love with all my heart, is dead. I watched him turn into a dripping ooze monster and then Corrin struck him down. He's dead. My father is dead.”

“As is mine. And my mother. And my wife. And it still hurts, just as much as the day they died. It never goes away. And you didn't deserve to lose him so soon. But what I can do is make it easier for you. I can try, anyway. That's my job, really. To make your life easier. It's a job I've always been proud of.”

Xander looked at Laslow sideways. “It's rare I hear you talk about your past, and I don't think any of us have spoken about Azura since the war ended. Is that true, Laslow? That your father is dead?”

“Yes, it is. But we're not here to talk about me. We're here to get you ready for a ball.” Laslow stood up, and pulled Xander with him. Xander put his glass down on the stage and followed Laslow down onto the main floor to begin again.

“One, two, three. One, two, three.” Laslow counted off as he led Xander around the room. “There we are. Now you lead. One, two, three. Yes, step forward just as I step back... there we are.”

“It's difficult to do this backwards.” Xander grumbled as Laslow took the lead position again to demonstrate.

“You should try it in heels.” Laslow said simply.

[thedepthsremember]

TRR 3.17: “Save the Date” AKA Everyone makes MC look like a thoughtless fool but also Savannah shows up!

In which Maxwell continues to be my soulmate or possibly just me. 

We’re back in Cordonia and GLADYS IS HERE :D 

Gladys is very good at managing Madeline, which thrills me. Take this rude robot away from me. 

This chapter starts off with so much Madeline, gross. I WANT TO REFUSE YOUR STUPID SCIENTIFICALLY CHOSEN DRESS OUT OF SPITE BUT it's.....actually really pretty. I like that purple a lot. Dammit.

though I am still 5 seconds away from running away in my burlap sack to marry Maxwell behind a pizza parlor JUST TO SPITE YOU. 

All this is too much pressure for one dress. I miss the days when Maxwell would be like HEY I HAD 5 SECONDS AND I FOUND THIS, YOU LOOK AMAZING. thanks my guy. 

ONLY BOUGHT THIS DRESS SO YOU COULD TAKE~! IT~! OFF~! 

Hey it’s fukkin... Clarence? Whatever his name was in High School Story. He’s apparently now moving things for Cordonian nobles. Musical career went down the tubes, eh Clarence?

Time to choose our wedding party!!! 

Maid of Honor: HANA. HANA MY CHOICE IS HANA Obviously HANAAAAAA no fucking contest.

Wow if you so choose, you can be Bridezilla: 

Best Man: Awwww MAXWELL IMMEDIATELY PICKED DRAKE I'm having emotions ;-; they've come so far. From Drake ignoring Maxwell, to bonding over cleaning cabinets, to here. BROS BROS BROS BROS

Ring Bearer: Shittttt picking my dog would be cute af if LIAM HADN'T USED THE DOG FOR THIS SAME PURPOSE RIGHT BEFORE I CURB STOMPED HIS HEART so no. 

Plus I do like the idea of making Savannah part of things :D 

sorry random Cordonian child, friends take priority. 

I promise this is the only picture of her I’ll post, but for some reason this line made me lose my shit. 

madeline hghglskdj do you ever talk to human people 

Officiant: Oh god. Oh God no why are these my choices I PHYSICALLY RECOILED FROM MY PHONE. HOW CAN I POSSIBLY MAKE LIAM MARRY ME AND HIS FRIEND OH NO. On top of him thinking ‘haha wow my dead dad should be doing this :(((’ Let him be quietly heartbroken in peace. 

Going with the Queen, she likes me now. 

Leo is a wacky choice, but I could see it working if your LI is Maxwell (maybe Liam?), because they were buddies and people expect Maxwell to do weird things anyway. 

...Why is Maxwell blocking the doorway....kind of hot. I have a problem.

GONNA BE HUSBAND AND WIIIIFE T_T hgnghgh don’t touch me i’m emotional 

HELL YEAH TRYING CAKE IS THE BEST PART this is why we're partners in crime for life yo

In real life news, I once got to taste cakes for our senior reception and it was the best day ever. 

Gladys senses how bad I feel about never being the thoughtful one, and is gonna help out her useless Duchess. BLESS YOU GLADYS, WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU. Just sit here covered in cake filling like a sexy thoughtless fool. 

I will do anything that makes Maxwell continue to beam proudly because he deserves it. I love that he got us unique cakes because we’re unique people!!

WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING SWEET I’M FURIOUS!!!

Riley and Maxwell are going to spend the rest of their lives yelling NO YOU’RE GREAT AND I’M LUCKY at each other and then making out

Sidenote, mixing food and sex is a turn off for me, but in the service of flustering Maxwell, I guess I’m down. 

...........Friends ilu and our group chat, but if you don’t stop cockblocking me i stg 

both times it has been started by Drake. I’m replacing all your whiskey with vanilla vodka. 

Gladys has my back and I’m now getting Maxwell a cheetah cake to show that I listen and shit. NAILED IT. 

OH MAN NOW MY *FRIENDS* ARE BEING SECRETLY THOUGHTFUL??? dammit there's no end to this 

SAVANNAH’S HERE, YAYYY. WE'RE ABOUT TO BE..... related somehow kinda? Whatever, I’m saying we're sisters now. Yayyy! 

Awwwww Kiara is so excited to see her! And is like “Let me know whichever dumbass messes with you and I will KICK THEIR ASS.” Kiara is the best. ♥

Penelope is like Yeah me too! 

I get the sense Olivia is like “I would like to continue mocking actually, but I can read a room.” Olivia ilu but you are the worst. 

Sidenote, did anyone else get the sense we kept losing people in this chapter? People would pop in and out and I’d be like ‘wait Drake was here?’ or ‘hang on where’s Kiara’. There’s a lotta characters happening. 

Yes Savannah I would LOVE to hang out with you and buy gifts for my friends THANK YOU. Gonna regain thoughtfulness points and have girl talk! nice

Me knowing Bertrand better than anyone except like Maxwell is kinda a sad state of affairs for Bertrand. GET SOME FRIENDS, MAN.

yeah you would THINK [EXTREMELY POINTED GLARING AT MADELINE]

they even reused this background to remind me, I'm not getting over it. 

Please say I’m not getting away with only getting my friends chocolates. That is barely any thoughtfulness points. 

Oh thank goodness, we’re going to go look at neat old things and find better gifts. HOORAY. 

I like that they let you at least choose one neato gift for free. The book with the missing chapter for Liam is such a sweet gift, and if I could only get one, it would be that. My buddy the king deserves a nice gift right now. 

Man, okay. Almost all of the gifts were so nice and thoughtful (The history book for Liam for him to chart his own future, something for Maxwell that makes him look cool but also connects him to his history, something for Drake that teases him a bit but in a way that shows you really know and appreciate him) and then they got to Hana’s and it was like .......wait what. 

Savannah just got here and even she can tell this is nonsense. 

it was like they tried to recreate Drake’s compass for Liam, but didn’t quite nail it. 

sidenote, did Drake ever give that to him? I like to think after the night I turned down Liam, Drake showed up with whiskey and the compass and they both got blasted. 

‘I love you, man!’ ‘no I love YOU!!!’ ‘who even needs her!’ ‘...oh god I do she’s perfecttt uhuhuhhh’ ‘NO YOU DON’T, YOU’RE STRONG AND THE BEST’ yeah kinda like that 

Savannah defending our boys against Olivia! Hell yeah, we’re in this together! Us and our disaster Beaumont men. 

Though at least Maxwell can talk about his feelings without someone piloting him like a secret emotions Jaeger pilot. Unlike some people who went back to wearing their sweatervests I saw you Bertrand 

GODDD SAVANNAH I’M SO SORRY, I FEEL YOU. Sometimes we fall for dumbasses and that’s just our way. 

Though, I really do like the story of Bertrand defending her against anyone who would say she didn’t belong. The brothers have a lot in common. My heart can be warmed. 

...though, this makes Bertrand being a dick to me in the beginning kinda worse by contrast. COME ON, MAN. 

Wait did they use the same NPC twice in one chapter --- ohhh I get it, it’s a plot point. 

Clarence I REALLY hope Zoe dumped you now. :< how dare you. 

I am strangely more offended by the stalking than the trying to shoot me. I am NOT down to be creeped on. Just shoot me already, i’ll get over it. 

OH NO THEY ARE GOING TO ATTACK THE WEDDING why are we surprised. we are all idiots. who left us in charge of things. Gladys would not have been surprised. 

GET SOME POINTS INTO WISDOM OR YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR KINGDOM, DUDES

[ofhowls]

WANTED CONNECTIONS ! below you’ll find a list of wanted connections, please fill them before i commit sewer-side. if you wanna talk, you wanna discuss – send me a message on discord ( jayden#7437 ) ! okay, that’s all.

alvarez, odette – quick summary: twenty-nine, cancer, has a daughter ( ava: played by lane ), engaged ( nicolas: played by pj ), is a florist because life’s a joke, kind of hot-headed, has a messy past we don’t talk about, would beat someone up 10/10, don’t test her, drives an ugly pick-up truck ( bella’s from twilight, don’t ask ) and owns a fluffy kitten named mango. 

plot one – mother: long story short, her mom was around 16 when she had her ( would now be in her mid 40′s ), was a prostitute who didn’t care and was all around a trash human being. odette moved into foster homes before she turned 6 and she was in and out of them throughout her entire childhood. when odette had ava, however, she moved back in. and their relationship turned messier real fast. she moved back out at eighteen and has been staying away from her mom ever since. her mom only ever contacts her for money, she’s that bitch. fc could be salma hayek, but any mexican fc in that age range is a1.

plot two – sister from another mister: odette lived on the street in her teens, often running away from foster homes because they were GROSS. i want someone from her past in sheffield. i really, really want their relationship to have been like them kiddos in the movie thirteen ( 2003 ), you know? like hella ride or die but also toxic af. fc doesn’t matter but white people are gross so a person of colour, mayhaps? they’d be either her age or older, and obviously a womf because she hates men.

* NEW ! plot three – butler: look, she’s marrying rich and i’ve already established that she’s best buds with the butler. he’s old, he’s nice, they’re just having a good time together. all that i know about him is … just that, cool! he’s worked with the talbots for ages so, you get like +3484 plots with this one. do it, i beg of you. jeremy irons is a snack and so is jeff goldblum. think about it. 

apolskis, julian – quick summary: twenty, leo, has had cancer come and go since he was 10, is a bit of an asshole, its a defence mechanism though, lost his leg a year ago, has a sister ( kitty: played by lane ), currently dating ( micah: played by patty ), is in a band, plays drums, has a deadbeat dad that his mom sends fake happy bday cards from. 

plot one – father: basically, back in the good old days ( about 11 years ago ), julian and his family lived in seattle. living their best life. and then, he got diagnosed with cancer. in came the bills and his father split. he’s been out of their lives ever since, not really giving a hot diddly darn about his son – or the rest of the family, not that i care about them. he’d be in his mid 40′s or older by now. any white male fc would work but hugh dancy is dear to me. 

* NEW ! plot two – hospital buddy: give me a friend for this motherfricker, okay? someone who might be sick, too. someone who’s been at the hospital with him, someone who knows that struggle of DYING. you feel me? this person can literally be 80 years old, i don’t care! as long as they’ve spent some time in care with my boy, maybe even roomed with him, it’s all good.

atkins, scarlett – quick summary: nineteen, gemini, mother’s a dead socialite, father is an alive asshole, used to smang her step-brother ( milo: played by pj ) before he ditched her, was kind of the queen bee before she ghosted on all her “friends” for a fancy college, got kicked out of said college for an adderall addiction, is now at rock bottom and forced to hang with the losers, super manipulative and selfish, kind of got a rough exterior. 

plot one – old friend: i really want someone who used to be friends with her either before she became miss popular or before they graduated. either way, she would’ve ditched them for bigger and better. i want beef, i want dramas – i want this bitch to suffer. before she hung with the it crowd she was a freaking mathlete, so don’t you forget it. honestly, cady heron is SHAKING. i say as i stole it from lindsay weir, whatever. she was also a cheerleader in her later years, if that helps. i’m very cliche. they’d be like nineteen, and preferably a womf but i’m not picky. 

* NEW ! plot two – father: all you gotta know about ray atkins, is that he’s garbage. he’s a rich bitch, the richest damn dude in town, and he cares approximately NOT AT ALL about his daughter. he’s constantly going back and forth between pushing her to achieve things and not acknowledging her presence. it’s a hard knock life. rape tw // there was also an instance where scout experienced assault at a party and he blamed her for drinking, so … not the nicest. on top of that, he doesn’t allow scout to speak french in the house ( her mother was french, uwu ), and that’s MEAN. anyways, any white/puerto rican man in his 40′s and up will work. 

baek, wolfgang – quick summary: thirty-five, capricorn, loves horror films and has made quite a few, dad is a famous director ( bigger in korea than the states ), has triplets because his dick is that powerful, went from mr. friend zone to mr. i’m sorry i gave you three babies at once, sort-of-dating ( ziba: played by patty ) really talkative and amazing, works at blockbuster because that’ll support a family, am i right, lads?

plot one – work pal: he’s at work a lot, ok? and he needs friends. it’s a win/win. i need someone for him to do stupid work stuff with, make working a fun experience! i want a squad like in chuck, you know? if you don’t know what i’m talking about then superstore, if you still don’t know what i’m talking about then why are you still here? age don’t matter but i would prefer if they were close in age. gender, who cares. bye.

plot two – partner in crime: basically, he makes a lot of indie flicks. he actually only moved to sheffield to work on a screenplay but… it’s been a while. i need someone who makes movies with him, though. a co-director or someone he keeps casting as the lead because bros, ok? once again, preferably close in age, gender doesn’t matter.

* NEW ! plot three – cousin: i mean, hewwo? most of his extended family is back in korea, but – but – i could imagine his aunt or uncle would’ve moved to the us shortly after his parents did. so, a cousin would be neat! someone his age, someone he can talk to about childhood stuff, someone who understands his unspoken rivalry with his father, someone to babysit his kids. they would’ve lived in florida after moving to the us, thirty and up and preferably a dude. i like dudes. but a woman would work as well. not to mention, half or fully korean!

bellefleur, kipling – quick summary: forty-eight, capricorn, born and raised in louisiana, has two kids he don’t know about ( lucia: played by britt, jude: played by patty ), a cop at the police station, lives alone with no pets because god hates him, got a partner ( elliot: played by lane ) but not in the gay way, unfortunately heterosexual, kinda grumpy, kinda just annoyingly white. 

* NEW ! plot one – hook-up: kip is a sexual being, believe it or not! and sometimes, a mans need a nut bust. he’s a great lover, i swear. but he’s not a great mans when it comes to the romantics. he does have two kids he don’t know of, after all. just give me someone he visits late at night, ignores in public and have fake deep convos with whilst sharing a cigarette in bed. really painting a picture here, aren’t i? unlike other fathers in this town, he has no interest in sleeping with someone his child’s age, so –– thirties and up!

cheung, beatrice – quick summary: twenty-five, aries, middle school teacher, a big fucking lesbian, dating ( kaylee: played by patty )super sociable and outgoing, literally loves partying and hanging out with the youths, self-proclaimed big sister to just about every teen out there, works part-time as a waitress at the diner, used to be engaged but we don’t talk about that, foster kid with no connection to blood-related family. 

plot one – coworker: someone at the diner! just someone to have her back, to gossip with, to hang out with after shifts, to just be gal pals with, you know? she needs more gal pals. i love throwing movie references in there, but – think whiplash with ellen page. that kind of aesthetic, that kinda shit. from mid to late twenties, a woman because i don’t care for men. 

plot two – pseudo-sibling: i want her to really play the big sister role with someone! have a little baby she can pass all her heaux wisdom down on. just a wee bean that she considers a little sibling of sorts. she could even house them for a bit since she’s back to living alone! they’d have to be in their teens and gender, once again, does not matter!

* NEW ! plot three – foster sibling: she already has like fifteen, so give her another. tris is probably the youngest among the bunch and owen ( played by fanny ) is somewhere in the middle. it’s just a nice jewish household that fostered a lot kids, cool? any fc, any ethnicity, any gender! just older than twenty-five, is all i’m asking. neat, thank you for coming to my ted talk. 

cowell, stefan – quick summary: twenty-nine, scorpio, construction worker, married ( lumen: played by pj ), got a little sister who he always fights with ( arella: played by kt, whenever she returns to us ), hates dogs, kind of a prick, a huge prick actually, sort of running from the law but like on the low-key, always 100% done with just about everyone’s shit. 

plot one – work buddy: like i said, he works construction. and i want him to have one friend. like a singular friend. someone to grab a beer with, someone who he doesn’t wanna strangle. it’ll be a miracle but it’s a miracle i deserve damnit. they’d have to be in their late twenties or older, a dude and any fc. 

plot two – neighbour: it sounds like a basic plot, but i promise you – it’s worth it! i want him to have a god damn family feud plot going on, okay? i want them to fight, i want neighbours ( 2013 ) as a plot on tumblr dot com. i want him to hate them and i want them to hate him. fc don’t matter! gender don’t matter! preferably around his age or older, though. 

halonen, oliver – quick summary: thirty, aquarius, part-time mechanic, part-time bartender ( think coyote ugly because that’s hot ), used to be engaged ( marty: played by tasha ), got a fake daughter ( pauline: played by pj ), has some slight drug issues she’s working out atm, also her dad’s back from the dead ( uriah: played by lane ), she’s super nice and cute and you should all love her sarcastic ass. 

plot one – work friend: i feel like i just want everyone to have coworkers, but listen… i genuinely just do. either someone that works as a mechanic alongside her or another bartender who sometimes uses their bod for tips, it’s all good. i want her to have one friend her own god damn age, you know? they’d have to be a gal because men are smelly. age would be around her own and that’s it!

plot two – dealer: listen… drugs come from somewhere. and even if she’s not currently using, i’d love for her to have that dynamic. maybe she owes them money, we can make it hella messy or we can make them chill pals, idc! i just need her dealer her and i need them to push some drugs. plus it’s a buy one get one for free type of deal ( see my plots for ed further down ). i want them to be a little older than herself but other than that it’s free for interpretation. 

* NEW ! plot three – drug bud: this bitch is from texas and this bitch did a lot of drugs in texas. she spent her early twenties high as fuck, overdosed at 24 and then got clean. legend? yes. she’s got a lot of good influences, aside from one particular asshole, and i just want her to be more pulled into old habits! let her have some friends from her old life of criminality and drugs come to sheffield and shake things up. any fc and gender, though they’d have to be in their 30′s!

hodgins, nathaniel – quick summary: twenty-one, gemini, works as chef at the pub, skipped college to help his mama with the bills, got a cutie-patootie golden retriever, dad is in prison after a drunk driving accident that killed a 10 year old, moved to sheffield a few years ago for a fresh start, a big ass home of sexual, has a crush on a comp het ( vince: played by pj ), loves his mother more than anything, only child, conceals trauma with humour and bad puns. 

* NEW ! plot one – ex-something: now, i’m not saying they dated. i’m saying they hooked up and it never lead anywhere. it can be angsty, it can be fine, it can be a garbage fire. we can work out the details whenever, i’m cool like that. any fc and any gender, though preferably in their early twenties!

holstad, damian – quick summary: eighteen, aries, the biggest fuccboi you’ve ever laid your eyes upon, fucked your girlfriend ( and he meant it ), brother to the biggest loser in town ( lou: played by tasha ), parties every weekend, best friends with the second biggest fuccboi in town ( artemus: played by nico ), kinda soft but he won't ever let you know that, has a crush on his brother’s bff ( pauline: played by pj ).

plot one – ex-girlfriend: it’s simply unrealistic that he hasn’t dated at least one of the fifty bazillion girls he’s smanged. now, it’s probable they didn’t last more than a few months but its still a plot I NEED. she’d be either a junior or senior in high school right now. so, either graduating now or next year. face claim don’t matter. it’s possible he cheated, he’s an asshole like that.

* NEW ! plot two – more fuccpeople: at this point, i’m collecting them. there are a bunch of fuccbois in damian’s life right now, and i need there to be more. there needs to be a whole fracking pack of them. just running around town, smanging ladies and taking names. could’ve played football with him, could’ve graduated with him, could’ve just lived next door – i dunno! around eighteen… a boy, or a girl! fuccgirls are VALID too. 

kinney, sawyer – quick summary: twenty, sagittarius, volunteers at animal shelter, studying to become a vet, loves animals more than she’ll ever love a man, has a rescued bunny named waffles, her parents died in a car-crash we don’t talk about it, has a younger brother ( grayson: played by patty ), soccer is her life, also wanna fuck the soccer coach ( elliot: played by lane ), her first ‘kiss’ was a dare at age 5 with her cousin ( holden: played by pj ) for an ice cream, did i mention she loves animals, takes virginities for charity, happened once but i demand its a thing now, boinking mr edgelord ( quentin: played by pj ).

plot one – team mates: soccer is cool! soccer is for champions! she’s currently the team captain of the local all-girls soccer team, i know – such a title. and i want her to have more of a team. so gather up your gals in their late teens to early twenties and kick some balls around!

plot two – ex-boyfriend: before she swiped virginities and had sex with boys who love serial killers, she probably had a steady boyfriend. kind of a puppy-love-they’ll-probably-get-married-straight-out-of-high-school relationship, you know? they probably broke up because they were way too young and it was more of an availability thing rather than genuine attachment. does that make sense? it’s a small town! their parents probably loved their child’s respective partner than they loved each other. 20-22, any boy of any fc i’m not picky.

* NEW ! plot three – enemy: it’s a hard plot to ask for, but i request you hear me out. she never fights with anyone. she’s SO NICE. a walking mary sue, i swear. and she’s just friends with everyone. it’s boring! give me someone that gets under her skin! someone for her to absolutely fucking hate! for no reason or for a reason, idk! around twenty-one, any gender.

larsen, margaret – quick summary: forty-two, libra, has one terrible son ( teddy: played by lane ), though she loves him more than anything, left the country because she was a hoe, mortician, got knocked up by her professor that one time, kind of boinking her son’s bandmate ( holden: played by pj ), doing her best all the time but keeps on making mistakes, the biggest mama-bear you’ll ever stumble upon. 

plot one – ex-hook-up: listen, she left the states to study in the uk – mostly to get away from her parents – but also because she had a bit of a reputation. like, a really bad one. so if you have a character, or want to play a character, that grew up in sheffield and are in their forties… wink wonk. that’s it. that’s the plot. 

* NEW ! plot two – hater, hater: peggy was a skank in her youth, okay? she was a downright slut and she probably rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. she most likely still does! so, i want some judgmental hoes up in this bitch. i want them to bicker and i want it to be very small-town-desperate-housewives-esque. any lady. preferably around her age range, would’ve lived in sheffield all her life.

* NEW ! plot three – best friend: peggy only ever speaks to kids, it’s weird. give her. bud, and like i said above… desperate housewives is a fucking neat ass show. they can drink wine and they can gossip and they can judge her for the people she’s sleeping with. or, well, person. any woman in her 40′s, please and thank.

mullin, casper – quick summary: fifteen, aries, fucking love aliens, the government is lying to y’all, has got a whole ass squad of friends, kinda gay for one of them ( eli: played by pj ), kinda intimidated by another ( ava: played by lane ), if it wasn't obvious he’s a gay, has a pupper that means the world to him, always investigates creepy shit because he is that white person.

plot one – disgraced nuclear physicist: you heard me. basically just the plot of back to the future. someone a bit ( a lot ) older than casper himself that kinda takes him under their wing. they’re as nutty as him when it comes to conspiracy theories, and maybe they feed his ideas and stuff when it comes to the shit going on in town. please and thank you. 

pearce, minoo – quick summary: twenty-one, aquarius, the biggest of edgelords, expert in stick n poke tattoos, hates her family, loves their big ass dog, a military brat, skated pretty much everywhere because she’s a walking cliche, not anymore though cause her bff broke it ( vince: played by pj ), invented grunge, would kill herself for the lead singer of zero boys, wants her mom to die ( rachel: played by lane ), wants the cop who's trying to get in her pants to die even more ( sera: played by tasha ), almost dropped out of high school fifty times but i forgot to make it canon. 

* NEW ! plot one – enemy: i love enemies. anyways, mj is a fucking bitch. she’s so edgy, she’s not like other girls, and she definitely would end up in a fight with just about anybody. there’s no way in HECK there aren’t people in town who hate her guts. they could’ve gone to college with her, they could’ve gone to high school with her, i dunno! i just want her to FIGHT. preferably a girl, preferably in her age range. 

oswalt, kevin – quick summary: nineteen, virgo, had the most tumultuous of childhoods involving both kidnapping and murder, she doesn’t talk about it, has sort-of-a-boyfriend ( jamie: played by pj ), and a definitely best friend ( pippa: played by lane ), currently living with her father ( dalton: played by britt ) without the knowledge that she’s his daughter, her life is messy, she likes books and writing, thinks sheffield is kinda fascinating, the biggest of nerds, kinda awkward but we forgive her. 

plot one – brother: we already have her father, mother ( marion: played by nesh ), and two sisters ( lila: played by luna, and hazel: played by fanny ), and now all that’s missing is the second youngest kid! he’d be like 21 years old, white with blue eyes because that’s a trait near and dear to us, and … a dude-bro. we have this hc that he’s in a band and kinda just does his own thing. free-spirit. also, to summarise the family history REAL QUICK – you can ask for more deets – kev got kidnapped, family fell apart, marion and dalton got divorced, the kids chose sides, markus ( the brother ) chose to stay neutral, they moved away while dalton stayed, and now they’re all back. 

plot two – study pal: not quite as in-depth as the one above, but! she needs a study pal. she’s currently attending the local college and she has zero friends who actually go to school. give me someone for her to work on stupid projects with, someone she’s forced to get to know and get out of her comfort zone with. they’d be 19-20 and fc/gender has no importance. 

sutton, eduardo – quick summary: fifty-two, taurus, literal fucking drug-lord, gang leader, owns the silhouette bar outside of town, loves his daughter a lot ( carmen: played by britt ), never smoked a weed in his life, jk, lost his wife a bazillion years ago, now banging the woman who failed save her ( lorelai: played by patty ), has three dogs which he kinda loves more than his daughter, killed a lot of mens in his life, just all around a good dude. 

plot one – brother: ed comes from an cuban-catholic family from new orleans and his father was kind of an asshole but his mom was alright. however, he was always closest to his little brother. so please, for the love of god, play him. you’ll get to play an uncle if you do, it’s pretty hot. any cuban fc in their late forties would work, but raul esparza is a hot fucking take. 

plot two – gang members: he’s a gang leader, ok? he needs more to lead. they hang out at the silhouette bar, push drugs through town and are all around just a good group of people. give me all of them to be honest. think the southside serpents from riverdale. or whatever they’re called in sons of anarchy. fc and gender and stuff don’t matter, however – ed would never allow someone under twenty-five. he’s a family man. 

talbot, mikhail – quick summary: thirty, pisces, the softest boy you’ll ever meet, a nurse at the local hospital, got a kid on the way, dating a ginger bitch ( liza: played by pj ), best friends with his cousin ( nic: also played by pj ), best friends with his ex ( emma: played by lane and not pj ) coaches the kids football team during his spare time, also works a couple of shifts at his father’s ( robert: played by luna ) hardware store, really just genuinely fucking nice, kinda depressed but you’d never know. 

plot one – high school friends: he’s lived in sheffield his whole life. he was on the football team, he was popular – he was a fun dude to hang with. it’s unrealistic none of his high school friends stuck around. so! give me a couple of those. they can be anybody as long as they’re around thirty years old.

plot two – kids to coach: self-explanatory, really. but if you want to play a kid on the football team, speak now or forever hold your peace. teens, boys probably because sports ball is sexist, just someone for him to coach and teach the way of sports ball life. 

weathers, elizabeth – quick summary: forty-two, sagittarius, freaking neurotic, forgets her own son ( eli: played by pj ), remembers her other every now and again ( jesse: played by nico ), wishes she could forget her husband ( andy: played by lane ), her bestest and smallest son was taken from her almost two years ago, yes this plot came before she was winona ryder don’t judge me, stay at home mom yet has no reason to stay at home.

* NEW ! plot one – emotional support: the woman lost her son, she needs like a mom support group on facebook. she needs someone who understands her loss. maybe someone who’s lost their own kid, obviously not to a giant bunny, but it’d still be kind of relatable. someone she can discuss her divorce plans with, you know? a woman in her forties, i’ll accept nothing else. 

[embersofstardust]

Tagged by @ifbeautyispain!! <3 ya!

A - age: 19.5 :P (blows my mind honestly some days i forget I’m over 16)

B - biggest fear: ahahahaha ummm, tied between three I guess? being too much like my dad, not amounting to anything and just being aimless my whole life, and crumbling under my own mental issues? sorry to get a litttle deep haha


C - current time: 11:06 pm

D - drink you had last: Ummmmmmmmmmm.... I think water?


E - easiest person to talk to: My bestie/practical twin Aubrey :D


F - favorite song: Depends on my mood.

G - grossest memory: Grossest? Gosh, I have a really bad memory ummmm, I know the old house I lived in had mold in the insulation and it made me sick all the time and we didn’t know? And the same house had a bad termite problem? But not really *gross* I guess

H - horror: Ummm, kinda related to the biggest fear, I mean, they all seem pretty possible at this point I - in love: Nope. Never have been.

J - jealous of people: Well of course. I’m human (or so I’m told lol) but yeah. I’ve been jealous of other’s success, sense of purpose, drive, ability to handle life, jealous of opportunities I never had, I mean it’s only normal every once in a while


K - killed someone: Not yet. Thinking about doing it to someone though. I’ve beat up a guy, does that count? ((I’m seriously not a violent person really I’m not))

L - love at first sight or should I walk by again?: Maybe not at first sight but I wouldn’t mind you walking by again ;) (ID NEVER SAY THIS IN REAL LIFE THOUGH ID PROBABLY AWKWARDLY LAUGH AND RUN)

N - number of siblings: Just one brother, but my best friend and her brother are like siblings.

O - one wish: Do what the hell I wanna do without too many repercussions. Travel, perform, create art, all those cheesy things. A realistic one? To see the northern lights :)

P - person you last called: My bestie ^^


Q - question you’re always asked: “How are you today?” I always reply with good or fine, but that’s because I don’t wanna worry people sometimes ^^’


R - reasons to smile: Tons! Friends, cute animals, fictional characters, people being kind to each other, it’s just hard to remember sometimes when things get rough


S - song you just sang: Tha Los - Open Your Eyes because lately i’ve been obssesed with it ^^’

T - time you woke up:  was supposed to be 7, but I slept through my alarm so it was 9 XD

U - underwear color: That I’m wearing or just that I own? :P


W - worst habit: Taking care of others to the point where it hurts myself. I’m working on it, I really am, but I use it as an excuse to escape my own issues and I always make excuses for people when I really shouldn’t. It’s self-destructive but no one ever realizes it because you’re helping and it’s less obvious


X - x rays you had: Chest - I’ve had bronchitis and pneumonia more times than I can count and they have to make sure the pneumonia doesn’t settle and turn into something worse

Y - your favorite food: Chocolate!!! :D

Z - zodiac sign - Leo

tagging: ummmmmm @sand-rose, @icykumori and @rosilettefairyknightelle94 i guess???? If you guys want, no pressure at all :)

[fashiontrendin-blog]

Soak Up the Sun, Cheryl Crows! Your HOROSCOPES Are Here!

https://fashion-trendin.com/soak-up-the-sun-cheryl-crows-your-horoscopes-are-here/

Soak Up the Sun, Cheryl Crows! Your HOROSCOPES Are Here!

If you read the headline: Wouldn’t The Cheryl Crows make for a great band?

These repel-o-scopes are accidentally long this go ’round — it’s probably because I missed you in July — so I’m going to make this intro short: Mercury and Mars are retrograde, but remember that it’s not even close to the end of the world. It’s a little annoying, yes, and things will move slowly, but that means you get to, too. Lazy Sunday/August.

Besides, everything will feel better after the lunar eclipse at the end of July. Bonnie Tyler did NOT like that one. It was not her kind of bright eyes. Oh good, I’m already not making sense. Aren’t you excited? There will be one more eclipse, on August 11th, but it’s related to the sun, and you’re gonna love it.

Take this time to look back, reflect and enjoy this beautiful month ahead. Susan Miller and the Astrology Zone band (my all-time favorite — I’d wear the tee to their concert) wrote all the real ‘scopes, I digested Susan’s summaries and below you have what we like to call in the biz: an exercise in free-writing while hungry.

Leo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GOLDEN SKY CATS! Your mane is looking as big as ever and glorious under that birthday crown. Do you eat sparkling sardines as a treat for dinner? That sounds like something a lion might like, although I do admit that I sometimes forget you’re a human whose sign is a star cat — when I write these, I picture you as an actual star cat, which means your first thought at the mention of sardines could have been, “Gross!” But I don’t know, I know plenty of people who love them. I’ll tell you what! I kinda like cat breath!

With that as our segue, let’s head straight into your August Birthday Horoscope:

Your work schedule has become “erratic,” to borrow Susan’s apt word, and that might be bugging your friends/partner, but you are on the CUSP of professional greatness, so communicate with your person about what’s going on, offer a sardine (or don’t) and hang on. Exciting rides are always a little like, WHOA, did I just pee myself or what?

If you’re waiting for the fun rather than the messy part of said excitement, August 11th: The universe has got you.

“In term of romance,” writes Susan, “Venus will tour Libra from August 6 to September 9, a perfect place for Venus to be for you. This graceful planet will be in your short-distance travel sector, so taking weekend trips would be the perfect way to meet a new romantic interest, or to bond closer to the one you already love.” I also know you know this but when Venus is around, doing her thing, the universe is practically BEGGING you to buy yourself something special, shiny and new.

You also have Mars in Aquarius in lovely angle to Venus on August 7th, a very sexy day for you. This day, August 7th, deserves four stars.

And in the meantime, I got you a slice of cake with your name-as-a-paw-print on it.

Virgo

Virgo-go boots, you had a rough last month, according to Suz, but hopefully that pressure’s already lifting a bit thanks to the passing of the full moon lunar eclipse on July 27th. And honestly, doesn’t it feel nice to know like, “Oh, so THAT’s what that shit storm was about.”

Speaking of shit storm!

Some things will still be annoying, like you may not feel very well at the start of the month, and you can blame Uranus for that. (You know, there is a very funny poop joke in here, but if you’re seriously not feeling well where bowels are concerned then nothing is funny, I get that.)

August 11th is going to bring about another eclipse, but you’ll like this one. Susan thinks it will encourage you to turn off and recharge in private. Hmm…sounds a lot like blackout month, methinks.

Also, though this *sounds* like a bad thing if you’ve been following along way too closely to my Planet of Butt jokes: “Mars will still be at sharp angles to Uranus,” it actually means you’ll be…let’s call it aggressively encouraged by the planets to act on something that’s been bugging you. It will be cathartic, and though I don’t see how these things are connected, Susan also said, “A business partner, expert you hire or your spouse (any person you collaborate with one-on-one) can now be the source of remarkable inspiration and transformation for you.”

Last but not least, early September should be super romantic for you!!!

(Don’t forget romance applies to getting romantic with yourself, too!)

Libra

Okay Libra! So the end of July wasn’t THE MOST fun you’ve ever had emotionally. Fuck the end of that month! Let’s focus on early August, after the few days (namely, the first) that were still affected by the lunar eclipse.

I’m more excited to talk about the solar eclipse of August 11th instead. Way more fun and friendly. For example, Susan said that the “solar eclipse of August 11 will be supportive of you and open opportunities to make new friends.” See?!

Meanwhile, you’ve got Venus in your sign from August 6th to September 9th. “This is a lovely vibration that will jazz your social life beautifully.” I’ll say! Just be careful about how you pack it in your suitcase. You know TSA.

Mercury’s currently in retrograde, but you probably knew that. Don’t make any super important decisions until the end of August. Do, however, celebrate the golden triangle between the Sun, Saturn and Uranus. If that sounds like a metaphor for your hoo-ha, great, celebrate that too. The reason we’re celebrating is because everything you touch where home is concerned will, as per the name of the triangle, turn to gold. Susan brings up leprechauns at the end of your ‘scope, and that is all I have to say about that.

Scorpio

Hi bowl of Scorpi-o’s! Cool if I eat you with almond milk, or will you sting the crap out of my mouth if I don’t use cow milk? I’m not really supposed to drink milk (ironic or not given that I’m a Taurus?) but if you say so, then okay!

Important, straightforward and straight-from-the-mouth-of-Susan words first: “We are in eclipse season and two of the three are cutting across your tenth house of career and fourth house of home, suggesting changes are bubbling up in both areas.”

Okay next: On August 11th, thanks to the solar eclipse, you’re due for some sort of massive career/finance boost — but Mercury is in retrograde, so no signing new contracts until it’s over at the end of August, okay? (But also, don’t listen to me. Approach all contract decisions with your usual amount of caution and consideration, get a professional to help you get organized with your finances, yadda yadda YOU KNOW ALL THIS.)

Ugh I think because it’s summer all I want to do is talk about love so I’m really excited we got to this point, finallyyy: “The full moon of August 27 will sprinkle you in silvery, glittery dust by Cupid and his little fleet of angels.” Susan wrote that. She is a modern day celestial poet and we are not worthy.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius, Sagittarius on the floor! And she’s dancing like she’s never danced before!

Neigh, neigh, neigh, let’s talk about your horoscope. First of all, we had the eclipse on July 27th. If that week — or honestly, the whole month of July — felt like a damn doozy, well, now you know why. Blame the planets!

But don’t shit-talk them too much, because the planets also do you a whole lot of favors and alllll of us know what it’s like to shit talk a significant other to friends because we’re mad then have to backtrack later like, “No, no, I swear they’re great!” Besides, on August 11th, there will be a solar eclipse that kicks all sorts of exciting things and opportunities into high gear. For you, especially pertaining to home and career.

Don’t forget that amid all that, we’re still dealing with Mercury in retrograde again (it’s fine; everything is fine) and Mars — one of your ruling planets — is too. Just remember that a retrograde isn’t necessarily bad; good things from the past can come back, but it does mean things move sloooooooooowly, according to every train in New York and Susan.

I’m so sorry, it’s so hard to concentrate right now. I’m writing this in the same room as a television that’s playing Drunk History and it’s really distracting because I love Drunk History so much.

Hey! And guess what! You’re going to have a super romantic, lovey dovey, hubba hubba early August when “Venus will glide into Libra.” Please do still use a water-based lube even though Mars has no water on it! Or does it?

Capricorn

Hi baseball Capricorn how are YOU ah-doin?

You’ll be meditating on money this month according to Suz.

Lotttta money meditating. I’m just scrolling through your summary, honestly…okay and on August 11th, a solar eclipse! Hip, hip, horray! Why? Because solar eclipses bring about really cathartic and positive changes, and YES I know we’re in the midst of a Mercury mo-flipping retrograde, but just remember, though it gets a bad rep, Mercury in retrograde is not solely an annoying thing that messes with technology, etc. It gives you an excuse to go backward, and it makes retroactive reach-outs positive ones.

Okay, so what about you? Well, the eclipse on August 11th could bring you money. Good job manifesting that during your meditation. And the end of August, the 26th-ish, is a good time to get away. “Choose a place with thundering white surf or a placid translucent blue lake,” Susan said, super specifically. It’s also a time to let your creativity and love thrive. Thrive, I tell ya! Did I tell you that Drunk History is playing in the background and someone is hiccuping and it’s making it hard to focus? What else is new for me though, I suppose. This is how I thrive. I also stand by the fact that the best compliment I ever received in the comments of horoscopes was, “These sound drunker than usual.” You have no idea!

Aquarius

Aquarius, I sang “Sagittarius, Sagittarius” to the tune of “she’s a maniac, maniac” but now that I’m reading your name and its syllables I’m like waiiiit, “She’s Aquarius, Aquarius!” sounds good too. I guess you can both share songs. Like a mash-up.

Little bit about me right now, I took a 3 a.m. flight and am so confused about when I last brushed my teeth and believe me, I’d like to brush them right now but I have no idea where my toothbrush is.

ALRIGHT let’s talk Astro-facts:

Mars is in Aquarius and it’s also in retrograde. I know that word freaks everyone out, but you don’t have to worry. Besides, this one’s out of retrograde at the end of the month (maybe it’ll finally stop wearing those teeny tiny ’90s sunglasses then).

Dates for you to know, because what the heck am I even going on about: There’s a solar eclipse on the 11th that will bring you help from a collaborator, and know that a collaborator could be anyone from a work person to a life partner — and this help may lead to good things.

At the end of the month, you’ll be hyper-creative. On top of that, money is going to roll on in. If you like love, keep your eyes peeled on the 7th. “Venus and her lover, Mars,” and please note those are Susan’s words, not mine for once, are going to get it on (“get it on” are my words) which means that you’ll have a magical air about you that’s likely to lead you straight toward your soulmate. Holy shit, I hope it’s Chidi!

Pisces

Hi cherry Pisces, I’m gonna try to keep yours through Cancer’s ‘scopes short because you’re probably busy and I’ve got a hungry mouth to feed: mine. So what does your doodle butt need to know?

WEll! Capitalized with the W and the E just like that, thank you very much. And also, if you happen to have been reading along all the other signs above when I was talking about having Drunk History on in the background, you should know that I am horrible at multitasking, and even worse than that, I truly cannot write my own name with something playing in the background. Not even classical music. I don’t know how people do it. I’m telling you that because someone just threw up on the episode I’m watching, and then I almost threw up, and that really would have thrown me off schedule.

So let’s stay on it, shall we? We shall!

Because of the retrogrades, August will be slow. Use that as an excuse to take it slow, too, and also to check the more monotonous things off your list.

The solar eclipse of August 11th will bring about exciting career opportunities. Oo-ie! YOUR CAREER IS ON A ROCKET TO THE MOON AND BEYOND. FOR REAL. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? WHY? THE UNIVERSE SAYS, “YOU TELL ME AND WE WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN!” Sometimes you need an all-caps moment.

Now, Mars is going to be in hard angle to Uranus (sounds like that planet needs to add more fiber to its diet!) which could cause a little discomfort (as one might imagine!), but it will also make you more creative, and in a twist I certainly didn’t see coming, it could mean that a friend will make you rich or something? I’m kinda skimming. But honestly, from the summary alone, it’s all great things!! Oh and by the end of the month, you might be famous. Just kidding about keeping it short!

Aries

Hello little house on the Aries! July was stressful so who needs to bring it up — the only reason I just did is because I think it’s nice to know you can point to the sky and be like, “The planets did it!” The great news is that August is amazing (does anyone watch The Kroll Show? I just said, “It’s ah-mayyyy-zeeeeng” in my head like Liz). (Yes those two links were meant to take you to the same place.)

There’s an eclipse in Leo on August 11th, which means romance, love, babies, partnership. Also speaking of love, have ye olde planet of surprise and butts, Uranus, receiving a beam from Saturn, and what that means for you is that any emotional life-related decision you make around this time will, per Suz, probably be “a solid one that will set up a firm foundation for years to come.”

It’s a time for friends, a time for snacks, a time for feeling like you’re finally taking a breather for once.

On the 17th and 18th, you’ll be feeling particularly creative, so put that to good use and break out the crayons. On the 19th, your career will get a necessary kick in the derriere, which bodes well for you.

Finally, the full moon of August 26th “will be a peach.” (Omg Susan is so cute sometimes.)  Kinda just had a weird creepy Nicolas Cage “peach for hours” flashback from Face Off, mentally blocking that, but what you can expect is an all-around brilliant end to August. Everything will be great, no exaggeration. So go out and celebrate for heaven’s sake, wear your favorite outfit!

Taurus

Mooooooooooooooo! Hello my fellow celestial cows. I’m super sleepy, so enjoy this ride we’re about to embark upon.

If I can be honest with you, when it comes to horoscopes, I’m not always what you might call a believer. I have fun with it, sure, and I blame the arrangement of the planets for a lot, but it’s always with a bit of a wink. And then inevitably, Susan Miller writes something that makes me think, “How’d she do that?” Exactly the same way that woman does it in the Mary Poppins advertisement on Taxi TV.

Susan said this: “As you enter August, you may be feeling uncharacteristically tense and high strung,” but then she says it’s going to wash away with the help of August. I swear to you that the moment August 1st pierced through the clouds I was like, “Ahhhhhh, relief.” And it’s not just because I had to pee the whole last day of July and kept avoiding it! It probably has almost everything to do with the lunar eclipse, if we’re being honest. Good thing that’s over — see ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya!

Now, sure, everyone could find a way to relate to this. But so?! Then that means Susan was right! Good thing I’ve gotten back into meditation for the millionth time. Let’s see if I do or don’t fall asleep.

Susan also thinks the 11th will be a little weird for us thanks to Mars, which I choose to ignore, but the solar eclipse on the same day will open up new paths anyway so eyes on the prize! This is a good one, I promise. You are the James Bond of your own life! Don’t forget to wear a seatbelt no matter how teeny the car! Jerry Seinfeld, I’m looking at you when you ask to borrow it for Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. 

There’s a full moon in Pisces on August 26th that will receive “comforting vibes” from Saturn — someone put that on a made-for-Instagram poster — that will make us feel back in control. Our creativity will be through the roof, and you heard it from Susan first: In the final days of August, go ahead and play hooky from the office and soak up the summer sun! Pretty sure you can show your boss this horoscope as a doctor’s note.

Gemini

Gemin-hi!

To get right into it, August is kinda a no-contracts month for you if you can help it for a whole bunch of boring celestial reasons. If you can’t help it, read the fine print and do a handstand or something. Also, you’re mostly off the hook by the 27th.

Don’t make major life decisions because of me, please!

But I do invite you do to things liiiiiiike travel on the 11th because Susan says it will be a nice time, or appear on television because Susan also seems to think that might happen. If you’ve been thinking about taking some sort of classes, that might be nice? Also you will probably get a huge award on the 26th! What! Cool! Will you sign my baseball glove?

The middle to end of August is really career, career, career, but in a good way. You’re leading the charge, my high-powered puma. And oh cool, look at this! “If you need money to make your home-related project happen, the funds will appear if you look for them.” — Susan

And they said money doesn’t grow when you spray Febreze!

I can’t really recall what she said about romance or friendship, but given what she said about every other sign, the planets, though sleepy, are super, super primed to make the end of August feel like one giant slice of delicious, satisfying, happy-ass watermelon. Bite into it and let the juice drip down your chin. Oh, but careful of ants! They are so cute but their crawling gives me the heebie jeebies.

Cancer

Cancer I LITERALLY just ate a crab thumb! Thank you for your gift to the planet.

Let’s dive right into August 11th since you’ve made it this far, shall we? If you’ve been worried about money, thanks to the eclipse on this date, you no longer will be! So you’ve been spending a lot — who hasn’t? That’s okay! Summer’s always a little expensive. (You’re investing in memories!) You’re about to plant some sort of golden bean into a very fertile ground, if I am reading this horoscope correctly.

I also may not be but I’m the woman on the keys! YOU CAN’T STOP ME!

The 26th will be a really lucky day. The planets are doing all sorts of things that make this an ideal time to kinda do whatever you want if you need heart-stoppingly-wonderful results.

Work-wise, there may be delays, but it’s just because Mars has been retrograde since the 26th, so once that’s over on August 27th, you’ll begin to feel things spin back into action. You’ll really get going by September and/or October, so trick or treat, smell my feet, give me my SPF30 please because right now it’s summer and I don’t know about you but the sun outside is calling to me way more loudly than my laptop. But back to you: You’re working hard and around this time, finally, PEOPLE WILL NOTICE.

Romantically (I am so glad you asked), “this area may prove to be the best in your life,” wrote Suz. Mars is making you feel sexy, your partner is being a squishy angel, and Jupiter, one of my favorite planets for all its gift- and luck-giving, is doing the worm in your house of love, which means that you’re bound to meet someone special if you’re looking and haven’t already.

The end of August is going to be the best. Play hooky as often as you can. OH and I forgot to tell you! I love your dress!

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej.

[samanthasroberts]

The Fat Jew’s ‘Money Pizza Respect’ is the worst book I’ve ever read

I wish I liked the Fat Jews new book. It would make a far more interesting piece if he exceeded our expectations. No one I talked to expected it to be good. I bet he didnt even write it, said one friend. I bet he had his interns write it.

To contextualize this for people who arent on the Internet all the time, Josh The Fat Jew Ostrovsky became the center of controversy when he was accused of stealing memes and jokes from comedians this summer. Ostrovsky had been doing this for years, and amassed millions of Instagram followers with his admittedly excellent meme aggregating skills. But comedians took a stand when he signed with the talent agency CAA in August.

Upon reading Money Pizza Respect, there is no doubt in my mind that the unfortunately titled book is penned by the Fat Jew himself; I confidently assert that MoneyPizza Respect is singlehandedly the worst book I have ever read.

His actual sense of humorand Im talking about humor, not the memes he aggregatesis painfully abject. He relies on a Tucker Max-esque style of storytelling, glorifying cocaine and alcohol abuse and fucking his groupies, who all embody a different type of crazy girl stereotype.

In a chapter ironically titled The Eleven Commandments of Not Being the Worst Person Ever, he warns readers that if you aggressively and frequently talk about your sex life, people will think youre gay. When you tell me that you tackled a slam pig and stuffed her axe wound, he writes, I assume that your actual goal is having anal sex with men. Ostrovsky makes sure to note that the only exception to this rule is Dan Bilzerian, who has literally thrown a woman off his roof, breaking her foot, and been accused of kicking another woman in the face.

Money Pizza Respect is laced with homophobic comments. He writes a note to P. Diddy: Sorry for outing you as a homosexual. Im pretty sure you are, but Im sorry. Theres also a healthy dose of sexism, describing his female groupies as a bunch of fours and fives who have giant lady hands hate their dads. To complete the trifecta, he also manages to be transphobic, referring to transgender women as trannies in a chapter chronicling his brothers bachelor party. (When his brother and friends found out the strippers who were giving them lap dances were trans, they left the club immediately.)

Before I met Ostrovsky, I was confused about how he was so successful, especially after reading his book, where he brags about his selfish and generally gross behavior at every possible moment, proudly displays pictures of him wearing a thong made out of beef jerky, and writes things like, Cocaine is the greatest gift the world has ever seen.

When I sat down with him at a press junket, located at an arcade in Chinatown, I immediately understood why hes garnered so much success. He is unfortunately charming and is actually a naturally funny person. Hes like the cool, mean boy in 8th grade, the type who introduced pot to all your friends and made fun of girls for being ugly or not having boobs yet. The type who definitely bullied me, and yet I tirelessly tried to gain his affection.

During our interview, Ostrovsky remained on the defensive, masterful at answering my questions with non-answers. He is somebody who has never taken life seriously, which is perhaps not too difficult for a straight, white, affluent male. He is fundamentally interested in his conception of fun, and hopes youll join him for the ride. If not, fuck off.

Its not that I began to like Ostrovsky or his book any more after meeting him, but I went from hating him to feeling an iota of pity for him. His flamboyant and unapologetic immaturity, his bratty affect: This is what has brought him success, and what I imagine will be his inevitable downfall.

So my approach for this interview, because I know a lot of people have been shitting on you, is to not shit on you.

No ones been shitting on me.

I was curious about how that affected you emotionally, and how you felt about getting blasted by the media.

It was definitely a shitty situation. Im of the Internet, so its like a lot of people screaming about things. I respect trolling. I respect people screaming at one another, which is why the Internet is so fucking great. I definitely didnt take it personally. It was also something that needed to get talked about. People were not on the same page. Like a 38-year-old comedy writer and a 16-year-old Filipino millennial were not seeing the issue the same way.

I try to look at it like I was the face of the whole thing. I mean the Internet is a giant, lawless fuckin thing. Sometimes we need some rules But not too many. Because that would be weird. No parents. But you know, sometimes people get pissed. I obviously see it from the 16-year-old Filipino millennial side. I dont look for credit on my stuff and I dont ever watermark or anything like that, but I also get the other side too. Im old enough to understand both sides. I just want everyone to be happy so were fuckin partying.

Instagram for fucking photos of dogs playing volleyball in sunglasses and iguanas surfing. I just want to have everyone get heard, fix the problem, and then get back to surfing iguanas. It didnt rock me emotionally because I just saw it as something that needed to be discussed. It definitely got dangerous and exciting at some points. People just get so crazy, theres a portion of people who dont even know what theyre screaming about. I got chased by TMZ. Some guy followed me around a Duane Reade recording my phone call. That was tight.

You liked that?

I kinda felt like Leo , for like a second. It was also scary. No one wants that life. I was trying to look at it like this is a conversation that needed to be had. I didnt look at it as being shit on. The Internet is more important to me than my family or anything. I would love to be with the Internet, have sex with the Internet, I love the Internet. Now its a better place.

Why was it important for you to celebrate drugs, specifically cocaine, in your book?

Its a mixed bag. I refer to it as the best and worst thing ever. Part of the ethos of this book is that its a how-to guide in that its like I dont know what you should be doing but I know what you shouldnt be doing. Ive seen every horrible thing. I basically think you read this book and you dont do coke. Because youre like, its gonna make me unbearable. Like my breath is gonna smell like a diaper and get into a super intense conversation about stuff I dont even care about.

I think it depends on how old the reader is. For me, Ive done coke so I understood more where you were coming from in that it can be great and terrible at the same time. From a teenagers standpoint, it might just look really cool.

It depends. Im pretty explicit that its been responsible for the greatest things that ever happened, but also some of the most horrendous things, too. I think its more self-reflective than it is encouraging.

Your book is provocative is many ways. People are going to interpret some of the content as transphobic and homophobic. I was thinking of the chapter where you refer to trans women as trannies.

I dont know what youre specifically referring to.

You wrote about tranny strippers. Thats a contentious word. Many trans people have spoken out about how hurtful they find that term to be. I was curious about how you would respond to those critics.

is a factual account of what happened. Youre talking about an actual pejorative word?

Yeah. Its a slur. There were a bunch of moments in the book where I read something and immediately thought about how angry it would make social justice activists on the Internet.

Social justice people are angry at everything.

I was wondering if you included some things specifically to be provocative.

No, definitely not. First of all, any social justice person can come at me at any time. I literally have more transgender friends who will vouch for me than anyone. They self-identify as trannies. Ask a transgender who is not a nerd from the Internet how they identify, and I bet you will find hundreds who identify as trannies.

I know transgender folks who identify that way. Its like the N-word. If they call themselves that, its OK. But having a cis person is a different story.

Any person who would find offense in that kind of minutia is not someone who should be reading this book.

Its not your audience, thats probably true.

That shouldnt be anyones audience, as far Im concerned.

As I was reading your book, I was thinking about your crazy drug and sex stories as they relate to Tucker Maxs stories from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Was he somebody who influenced you?

No, thats like bro culture stuff. This is completely different.

Tonally, there were similarities.

Ive never read it, but I also think that in terms of this book, like Ive been living performance art long enough to write a book full of debaucherous stories, but I wanted to go with more pathos, truth. From what I understand from Tucker Maxs stuff, he doesnt really go into too much stuff like that. Not all the stories here are particularly turnt up, as far as Im concerned. There are some that are honest family stories, not every story is about partying.

But a lot of them are.

We can go through it When I was writing it, putting in some emotion and truth, and some real feeling on it, like talking about my mom having sex with Shel Silverstein and being a 9-year-old child actor diva. Shit like that, to me, that is not the same as walking around a bar with a breathalyzer . I dont not relate to it, but Ive never read any of his stuff.

Ostrovsky as a child actor Josh Ostrovsky

Do you differentiate between the Fat Jew as your performative character and yourself as Josh?

No. I dont go home at night and unscrew the hairection , sit down, and listen to This American Life and be like, Oh, what a hard day at work! Being the Fat Jew! No, its all one in the same. To me, that would be disingenuous. I was doing this stuff long before there was anywhere to share it, long before anyone knew about it. Ten years ago, people in New York would be like, Oh thats the Fat Jew, the guy who does crazy stuff. It wasnt something I created and cultivated in order to share on social media for the masses.

But this is your career, this is your passion, but a lot of artists and actors differentiate between their performative self, which is still their self, and who they are when theyre not performing.

Im not an artist or an actor. Im neither.

How do you identify?

Im the only one whos really just going for it. Im genuinely making it up as I go along. I could start a ros company and that could become a real thing. Im about to do the worlds first EDM cologne.

What is that gonna smell like?

I dont know. Thats a good question. Like I dont even know what that means but Im gonna do it. Its 2015. Anything is possible. The world is so ridiculous at this point. I might open a yoga ashram in Toronto. Who knows? Im one of the only people who doesnt consider anything on or off limits. I dont think that it can be defined. We have this human need to compartmentalize, to be like, What are you? But I dont know.

I guess its my job to say, as a writer trying to make sense of what you do.

I dont think theres anything to make sense of. I dont know. What do you think I do?

I think youre a content creator and performer.

Thats vague. But yeah. Im not not. But thats what Im saying. I like to keep people guessing, keep people off kilter. If people think Im a comedian, I will move in a totally different direction and start making cologne. I wanna make people go, What the fuck? Keeping people guessing, keeping genuine conversation going about me, whether its, I dont want to say the word negative, but whatever its gonna be, thats what I am. A conversation starter? I dont know.

Tastemaker?

Conversation piece? Idiot? All of the above?

Whats your goal with your book? Why do you do what you do? Aside from the fact that you just want to do it.

The end goal with the book is that I think I can get some turnt-up 18-year-old to read. Thats the challenge, like, can you get fuckin some kids to read and think its really fuckin chill? Is that doable? Ill literally do it just for that.

Were doing reading raves to promote the book. IRL is what the programs called. Its just like huge DJs and books. Like, can you make them read? I think its doable. I dont think publishing knows how to do it. I dont think parents know how to do it.

So you want to make reading cool?

Kind of. What if Im somehow the guy to do it?

What are your favorite books?

I love Shel Silverstein, and not only because my mom fucked him. Mostly, Im the type to read 100 listicles. Like, what kind of bagel is Rihanna? You know what I mean? One-hundred times Rihanna ate fruit. Im not reading enough books.

No ones reading enough books.

Maybe now? That would fucking weird. To get a fucking 17-year-old whos over it to sit down and read an entire book? I mean I put in some stuff to break up the chapters, like you can color in a picture of Tyrese. I mean, I dont want you to have to read too much.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

Popular on The Daily Dot

I went to the Rentboy liquidation sale, and all I got was this amazing escort swag

After a massive federal raid, Rentboy had to sell its entire office on Craigslist to pay its lawyers.

By Mary Emily O'Hara — November 02, 2015

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/

[adambstingus]

The Fat Jew’s ‘Money Pizza Respect’ is the worst book I’ve ever read

I wish I liked the Fat Jews new book. It would make a far more interesting piece if he exceeded our expectations. No one I talked to expected it to be good. I bet he didnt even write it, said one friend. I bet he had his interns write it.

To contextualize this for people who arent on the Internet all the time, Josh The Fat Jew Ostrovsky became the center of controversy when he was accused of stealing memes and jokes from comedians this summer. Ostrovsky had been doing this for years, and amassed millions of Instagram followers with his admittedly excellent meme aggregating skills. But comedians took a stand when he signed with the talent agency CAA in August.

Upon reading Money Pizza Respect, there is no doubt in my mind that the unfortunately titled book is penned by the Fat Jew himself; I confidently assert that MoneyPizza Respect is singlehandedly the worst book I have ever read.

His actual sense of humorand Im talking about humor, not the memes he aggregatesis painfully abject. He relies on a Tucker Max-esque style of storytelling, glorifying cocaine and alcohol abuse and fucking his groupies, who all embody a different type of crazy girl stereotype.

In a chapter ironically titled The Eleven Commandments of Not Being the Worst Person Ever, he warns readers that if you aggressively and frequently talk about your sex life, people will think youre gay. When you tell me that you tackled a slam pig and stuffed her axe wound, he writes, I assume that your actual goal is having anal sex with men. Ostrovsky makes sure to note that the only exception to this rule is Dan Bilzerian, who has literally thrown a woman off his roof, breaking her foot, and been accused of kicking another woman in the face.

Money Pizza Respect is laced with homophobic comments. He writes a note to P. Diddy: Sorry for outing you as a homosexual. Im pretty sure you are, but Im sorry. Theres also a healthy dose of sexism, describing his female groupies as a bunch of fours and fives who have giant lady hands hate their dads. To complete the trifecta, he also manages to be transphobic, referring to transgender women as trannies in a chapter chronicling his brothers bachelor party. (When his brother and friends found out the strippers who were giving them lap dances were trans, they left the club immediately.)

Before I met Ostrovsky, I was confused about how he was so successful, especially after reading his book, where he brags about his selfish and generally gross behavior at every possible moment, proudly displays pictures of him wearing a thong made out of beef jerky, and writes things like, Cocaine is the greatest gift the world has ever seen.

When I sat down with him at a press junket, located at an arcade in Chinatown, I immediately understood why hes garnered so much success. He is unfortunately charming and is actually a naturally funny person. Hes like the cool, mean boy in 8th grade, the type who introduced pot to all your friends and made fun of girls for being ugly or not having boobs yet. The type who definitely bullied me, and yet I tirelessly tried to gain his affection.

During our interview, Ostrovsky remained on the defensive, masterful at answering my questions with non-answers. He is somebody who has never taken life seriously, which is perhaps not too difficult for a straight, white, affluent male. He is fundamentally interested in his conception of fun, and hopes youll join him for the ride. If not, fuck off.

Its not that I began to like Ostrovsky or his book any more after meeting him, but I went from hating him to feeling an iota of pity for him. His flamboyant and unapologetic immaturity, his bratty affect: This is what has brought him success, and what I imagine will be his inevitable downfall.

So my approach for this interview, because I know a lot of people have been shitting on you, is to not shit on you.

No ones been shitting on me.

I was curious about how that affected you emotionally, and how you felt about getting blasted by the media.

It was definitely a shitty situation. Im of the Internet, so its like a lot of people screaming about things. I respect trolling. I respect people screaming at one another, which is why the Internet is so fucking great. I definitely didnt take it personally. It was also something that needed to get talked about. People were not on the same page. Like a 38-year-old comedy writer and a 16-year-old Filipino millennial were not seeing the issue the same way.

I try to look at it like I was the face of the whole thing. I mean the Internet is a giant, lawless fuckin thing. Sometimes we need some rules But not too many. Because that would be weird. No parents. But you know, sometimes people get pissed. I obviously see it from the 16-year-old Filipino millennial side. I dont look for credit on my stuff and I dont ever watermark or anything like that, but I also get the other side too. Im old enough to understand both sides. I just want everyone to be happy so were fuckin partying.

Instagram for fucking photos of dogs playing volleyball in sunglasses and iguanas surfing. I just want to have everyone get heard, fix the problem, and then get back to surfing iguanas. It didnt rock me emotionally because I just saw it as something that needed to be discussed. It definitely got dangerous and exciting at some points. People just get so crazy, theres a portion of people who dont even know what theyre screaming about. I got chased by TMZ. Some guy followed me around a Duane Reade recording my phone call. That was tight.

You liked that?

I kinda felt like Leo , for like a second. It was also scary. No one wants that life. I was trying to look at it like this is a conversation that needed to be had. I didnt look at it as being shit on. The Internet is more important to me than my family or anything. I would love to be with the Internet, have sex with the Internet, I love the Internet. Now its a better place.

Why was it important for you to celebrate drugs, specifically cocaine, in your book?

Its a mixed bag. I refer to it as the best and worst thing ever. Part of the ethos of this book is that its a how-to guide in that its like I dont know what you should be doing but I know what you shouldnt be doing. Ive seen every horrible thing. I basically think you read this book and you dont do coke. Because youre like, its gonna make me unbearable. Like my breath is gonna smell like a diaper and get into a super intense conversation about stuff I dont even care about.

I think it depends on how old the reader is. For me, Ive done coke so I understood more where you were coming from in that it can be great and terrible at the same time. From a teenagers standpoint, it might just look really cool.

It depends. Im pretty explicit that its been responsible for the greatest things that ever happened, but also some of the most horrendous things, too. I think its more self-reflective than it is encouraging.

Your book is provocative is many ways. People are going to interpret some of the content as transphobic and homophobic. I was thinking of the chapter where you refer to trans women as trannies.

I dont know what youre specifically referring to.

You wrote about tranny strippers. Thats a contentious word. Many trans people have spoken out about how hurtful they find that term to be. I was curious about how you would respond to those critics.

is a factual account of what happened. Youre talking about an actual pejorative word?

Yeah. Its a slur. There were a bunch of moments in the book where I read something and immediately thought about how angry it would make social justice activists on the Internet.

Social justice people are angry at everything.

I was wondering if you included some things specifically to be provocative.

No, definitely not. First of all, any social justice person can come at me at any time. I literally have more transgender friends who will vouch for me than anyone. They self-identify as trannies. Ask a transgender who is not a nerd from the Internet how they identify, and I bet you will find hundreds who identify as trannies.

I know transgender folks who identify that way. Its like the N-word. If they call themselves that, its OK. But having a cis person is a different story.

Any person who would find offense in that kind of minutia is not someone who should be reading this book.

Its not your audience, thats probably true.

That shouldnt be anyones audience, as far Im concerned.

As I was reading your book, I was thinking about your crazy drug and sex stories as they relate to Tucker Maxs stories from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Was he somebody who influenced you?

No, thats like bro culture stuff. This is completely different.

Tonally, there were similarities.

Ive never read it, but I also think that in terms of this book, like Ive been living performance art long enough to write a book full of debaucherous stories, but I wanted to go with more pathos, truth. From what I understand from Tucker Maxs stuff, he doesnt really go into too much stuff like that. Not all the stories here are particularly turnt up, as far as Im concerned. There are some that are honest family stories, not every story is about partying.

But a lot of them are.

We can go through it When I was writing it, putting in some emotion and truth, and some real feeling on it, like talking about my mom having sex with Shel Silverstein and being a 9-year-old child actor diva. Shit like that, to me, that is not the same as walking around a bar with a breathalyzer . I dont not relate to it, but Ive never read any of his stuff.

Ostrovsky as a child actor Josh Ostrovsky

Do you differentiate between the Fat Jew as your performative character and yourself as Josh?

No. I dont go home at night and unscrew the hairection , sit down, and listen to This American Life and be like, Oh, what a hard day at work! Being the Fat Jew! No, its all one in the same. To me, that would be disingenuous. I was doing this stuff long before there was anywhere to share it, long before anyone knew about it. Ten years ago, people in New York would be like, Oh thats the Fat Jew, the guy who does crazy stuff. It wasnt something I created and cultivated in order to share on social media for the masses.

But this is your career, this is your passion, but a lot of artists and actors differentiate between their performative self, which is still their self, and who they are when theyre not performing.

Im not an artist or an actor. Im neither.

How do you identify?

Im the only one whos really just going for it. Im genuinely making it up as I go along. I could start a ros company and that could become a real thing. Im about to do the worlds first EDM cologne.

What is that gonna smell like?

I dont know. Thats a good question. Like I dont even know what that means but Im gonna do it. Its 2015. Anything is possible. The world is so ridiculous at this point. I might open a yoga ashram in Toronto. Who knows? Im one of the only people who doesnt consider anything on or off limits. I dont think that it can be defined. We have this human need to compartmentalize, to be like, What are you? But I dont know.

I guess its my job to say, as a writer trying to make sense of what you do.

I dont think theres anything to make sense of. I dont know. What do you think I do?

I think youre a content creator and performer.

Thats vague. But yeah. Im not not. But thats what Im saying. I like to keep people guessing, keep people off kilter. If people think Im a comedian, I will move in a totally different direction and start making cologne. I wanna make people go, What the fuck? Keeping people guessing, keeping genuine conversation going about me, whether its, I dont want to say the word negative, but whatever its gonna be, thats what I am. A conversation starter? I dont know.

Tastemaker?

Conversation piece? Idiot? All of the above?

Whats your goal with your book? Why do you do what you do? Aside from the fact that you just want to do it.

The end goal with the book is that I think I can get some turnt-up 18-year-old to read. Thats the challenge, like, can you get fuckin some kids to read and think its really fuckin chill? Is that doable? Ill literally do it just for that.

Were doing reading raves to promote the book. IRL is what the programs called. Its just like huge DJs and books. Like, can you make them read? I think its doable. I dont think publishing knows how to do it. I dont think parents know how to do it.

So you want to make reading cool?

Kind of. What if Im somehow the guy to do it?

What are your favorite books?

I love Shel Silverstein, and not only because my mom fucked him. Mostly, Im the type to read 100 listicles. Like, what kind of bagel is Rihanna? You know what I mean? One-hundred times Rihanna ate fruit. Im not reading enough books.

No ones reading enough books.

Maybe now? That would fucking weird. To get a fucking 17-year-old whos over it to sit down and read an entire book? I mean I put in some stuff to break up the chapters, like you can color in a picture of Tyrese. I mean, I dont want you to have to read too much.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

Popular on The Daily Dot

I went to the Rentboy liquidation sale, and all I got was this amazing escort swag

After a massive federal raid, Rentboy had to sell its entire office on Craigslist to pay its lawyers.

By Mary Emily O'Hara — November 02, 2015

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/165493432272

[allofbeercom]

The Fat Jew’s ‘Money Pizza Respect’ is the worst book I’ve ever read

I wish I liked the Fat Jews new book. It would make a far more interesting piece if he exceeded our expectations. No one I talked to expected it to be good. I bet he didnt even write it, said one friend. I bet he had his interns write it.

To contextualize this for people who arent on the Internet all the time, Josh The Fat Jew Ostrovsky became the center of controversy when he was accused of stealing memes and jokes from comedians this summer. Ostrovsky had been doing this for years, and amassed millions of Instagram followers with his admittedly excellent meme aggregating skills. But comedians took a stand when he signed with the talent agency CAA in August.

Upon reading Money Pizza Respect, there is no doubt in my mind that the unfortunately titled book is penned by the Fat Jew himself; I confidently assert that MoneyPizza Respect is singlehandedly the worst book I have ever read.

His actual sense of humorand Im talking about humor, not the memes he aggregatesis painfully abject. He relies on a Tucker Max-esque style of storytelling, glorifying cocaine and alcohol abuse and fucking his groupies, who all embody a different type of crazy girl stereotype.

In a chapter ironically titled The Eleven Commandments of Not Being the Worst Person Ever, he warns readers that if you aggressively and frequently talk about your sex life, people will think youre gay. When you tell me that you tackled a slam pig and stuffed her axe wound, he writes, I assume that your actual goal is having anal sex with men. Ostrovsky makes sure to note that the only exception to this rule is Dan Bilzerian, who has literally thrown a woman off his roof, breaking her foot, and been accused of kicking another woman in the face.

Money Pizza Respect is laced with homophobic comments. He writes a note to P. Diddy: Sorry for outing you as a homosexual. Im pretty sure you are, but Im sorry. Theres also a healthy dose of sexism, describing his female groupies as a bunch of fours and fives who have giant lady hands hate their dads. To complete the trifecta, he also manages to be transphobic, referring to transgender women as trannies in a chapter chronicling his brothers bachelor party. (When his brother and friends found out the strippers who were giving them lap dances were trans, they left the club immediately.)

Before I met Ostrovsky, I was confused about how he was so successful, especially after reading his book, where he brags about his selfish and generally gross behavior at every possible moment, proudly displays pictures of him wearing a thong made out of beef jerky, and writes things like, Cocaine is the greatest gift the world has ever seen.

When I sat down with him at a press junket, located at an arcade in Chinatown, I immediately understood why hes garnered so much success. He is unfortunately charming and is actually a naturally funny person. Hes like the cool, mean boy in 8th grade, the type who introduced pot to all your friends and made fun of girls for being ugly or not having boobs yet. The type who definitely bullied me, and yet I tirelessly tried to gain his affection.

During our interview, Ostrovsky remained on the defensive, masterful at answering my questions with non-answers. He is somebody who has never taken life seriously, which is perhaps not too difficult for a straight, white, affluent male. He is fundamentally interested in his conception of fun, and hopes youll join him for the ride. If not, fuck off.

Its not that I began to like Ostrovsky or his book any more after meeting him, but I went from hating him to feeling an iota of pity for him. His flamboyant and unapologetic immaturity, his bratty affect: This is what has brought him success, and what I imagine will be his inevitable downfall.

So my approach for this interview, because I know a lot of people have been shitting on you, is to not shit on you.

No ones been shitting on me.

I was curious about how that affected you emotionally, and how you felt about getting blasted by the media.

It was definitely a shitty situation. Im of the Internet, so its like a lot of people screaming about things. I respect trolling. I respect people screaming at one another, which is why the Internet is so fucking great. I definitely didnt take it personally. It was also something that needed to get talked about. People were not on the same page. Like a 38-year-old comedy writer and a 16-year-old Filipino millennial were not seeing the issue the same way.

I try to look at it like I was the face of the whole thing. I mean the Internet is a giant, lawless fuckin thing. Sometimes we need some rules But not too many. Because that would be weird. No parents. But you know, sometimes people get pissed. I obviously see it from the 16-year-old Filipino millennial side. I dont look for credit on my stuff and I dont ever watermark or anything like that, but I also get the other side too. Im old enough to understand both sides. I just want everyone to be happy so were fuckin partying.

Instagram for fucking photos of dogs playing volleyball in sunglasses and iguanas surfing. I just want to have everyone get heard, fix the problem, and then get back to surfing iguanas. It didnt rock me emotionally because I just saw it as something that needed to be discussed. It definitely got dangerous and exciting at some points. People just get so crazy, theres a portion of people who dont even know what theyre screaming about. I got chased by TMZ. Some guy followed me around a Duane Reade recording my phone call. That was tight.

You liked that?

I kinda felt like Leo , for like a second. It was also scary. No one wants that life. I was trying to look at it like this is a conversation that needed to be had. I didnt look at it as being shit on. The Internet is more important to me than my family or anything. I would love to be with the Internet, have sex with the Internet, I love the Internet. Now its a better place.

Why was it important for you to celebrate drugs, specifically cocaine, in your book?

Its a mixed bag. I refer to it as the best and worst thing ever. Part of the ethos of this book is that its a how-to guide in that its like I dont know what you should be doing but I know what you shouldnt be doing. Ive seen every horrible thing. I basically think you read this book and you dont do coke. Because youre like, its gonna make me unbearable. Like my breath is gonna smell like a diaper and get into a super intense conversation about stuff I dont even care about.

I think it depends on how old the reader is. For me, Ive done coke so I understood more where you were coming from in that it can be great and terrible at the same time. From a teenagers standpoint, it might just look really cool.

It depends. Im pretty explicit that its been responsible for the greatest things that ever happened, but also some of the most horrendous things, too. I think its more self-reflective than it is encouraging.

Your book is provocative is many ways. People are going to interpret some of the content as transphobic and homophobic. I was thinking of the chapter where you refer to trans women as trannies.

I dont know what youre specifically referring to.

You wrote about tranny strippers. Thats a contentious word. Many trans people have spoken out about how hurtful they find that term to be. I was curious about how you would respond to those critics.

is a factual account of what happened. Youre talking about an actual pejorative word?

Yeah. Its a slur. There were a bunch of moments in the book where I read something and immediately thought about how angry it would make social justice activists on the Internet.

Social justice people are angry at everything.

I was wondering if you included some things specifically to be provocative.

No, definitely not. First of all, any social justice person can come at me at any time. I literally have more transgender friends who will vouch for me than anyone. They self-identify as trannies. Ask a transgender who is not a nerd from the Internet how they identify, and I bet you will find hundreds who identify as trannies.

I know transgender folks who identify that way. Its like the N-word. If they call themselves that, its OK. But having a cis person is a different story.

Any person who would find offense in that kind of minutia is not someone who should be reading this book.

Its not your audience, thats probably true.

That shouldnt be anyones audience, as far Im concerned.

As I was reading your book, I was thinking about your crazy drug and sex stories as they relate to Tucker Maxs stories from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Was he somebody who influenced you?

No, thats like bro culture stuff. This is completely different.

Tonally, there were similarities.

Ive never read it, but I also think that in terms of this book, like Ive been living performance art long enough to write a book full of debaucherous stories, but I wanted to go with more pathos, truth. From what I understand from Tucker Maxs stuff, he doesnt really go into too much stuff like that. Not all the stories here are particularly turnt up, as far as Im concerned. There are some that are honest family stories, not every story is about partying.

But a lot of them are.

We can go through it When I was writing it, putting in some emotion and truth, and some real feeling on it, like talking about my mom having sex with Shel Silverstein and being a 9-year-old child actor diva. Shit like that, to me, that is not the same as walking around a bar with a breathalyzer . I dont not relate to it, but Ive never read any of his stuff.

Ostrovsky as a child actor Josh Ostrovsky

Do you differentiate between the Fat Jew as your performative character and yourself as Josh?

No. I dont go home at night and unscrew the hairection , sit down, and listen to This American Life and be like, Oh, what a hard day at work! Being the Fat Jew! No, its all one in the same. To me, that would be disingenuous. I was doing this stuff long before there was anywhere to share it, long before anyone knew about it. Ten years ago, people in New York would be like, Oh thats the Fat Jew, the guy who does crazy stuff. It wasnt something I created and cultivated in order to share on social media for the masses.

But this is your career, this is your passion, but a lot of artists and actors differentiate between their performative self, which is still their self, and who they are when theyre not performing.

Im not an artist or an actor. Im neither.

How do you identify?

Im the only one whos really just going for it. Im genuinely making it up as I go along. I could start a ros company and that could become a real thing. Im about to do the worlds first EDM cologne.

What is that gonna smell like?

I dont know. Thats a good question. Like I dont even know what that means but Im gonna do it. Its 2015. Anything is possible. The world is so ridiculous at this point. I might open a yoga ashram in Toronto. Who knows? Im one of the only people who doesnt consider anything on or off limits. I dont think that it can be defined. We have this human need to compartmentalize, to be like, What are you? But I dont know.

I guess its my job to say, as a writer trying to make sense of what you do.

I dont think theres anything to make sense of. I dont know. What do you think I do?

I think youre a content creator and performer.

Thats vague. But yeah. Im not not. But thats what Im saying. I like to keep people guessing, keep people off kilter. If people think Im a comedian, I will move in a totally different direction and start making cologne. I wanna make people go, What the fuck? Keeping people guessing, keeping genuine conversation going about me, whether its, I dont want to say the word negative, but whatever its gonna be, thats what I am. A conversation starter? I dont know.

Tastemaker?

Conversation piece? Idiot? All of the above?

Whats your goal with your book? Why do you do what you do? Aside from the fact that you just want to do it.

The end goal with the book is that I think I can get some turnt-up 18-year-old to read. Thats the challenge, like, can you get fuckin some kids to read and think its really fuckin chill? Is that doable? Ill literally do it just for that.

Were doing reading raves to promote the book. IRL is what the programs called. Its just like huge DJs and books. Like, can you make them read? I think its doable. I dont think publishing knows how to do it. I dont think parents know how to do it.

So you want to make reading cool?

Kind of. What if Im somehow the guy to do it?

What are your favorite books?

I love Shel Silverstein, and not only because my mom fucked him. Mostly, Im the type to read 100 listicles. Like, what kind of bagel is Rihanna? You know what I mean? One-hundred times Rihanna ate fruit. Im not reading enough books.

No ones reading enough books.

Maybe now? That would fucking weird. To get a fucking 17-year-old whos over it to sit down and read an entire book? I mean I put in some stuff to break up the chapters, like you can color in a picture of Tyrese. I mean, I dont want you to have to read too much.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

Popular on The Daily Dot

I went to the Rentboy liquidation sale, and all I got was this amazing escort swag

After a massive federal raid, Rentboy had to sell its entire office on Craigslist to pay its lawyers.

By Mary Emily O'Hara — November 02, 2015

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/

[jimdsmith34]

The Fat Jew’s ‘Money Pizza Respect’ is the worst book I’ve ever read

I wish I liked the Fat Jews new book. It would make a far more interesting piece if he exceeded our expectations. No one I talked to expected it to be good. I bet he didnt even write it, said one friend. I bet he had his interns write it.

To contextualize this for people who arent on the Internet all the time, Josh The Fat Jew Ostrovsky became the center of controversy when he was accused of stealing memes and jokes from comedians this summer. Ostrovsky had been doing this for years, and amassed millions of Instagram followers with his admittedly excellent meme aggregating skills. But comedians took a stand when he signed with the talent agency CAA in August.

Upon reading Money Pizza Respect, there is no doubt in my mind that the unfortunately titled book is penned by the Fat Jew himself; I confidently assert that MoneyPizza Respect is singlehandedly the worst book I have ever read.

His actual sense of humorand Im talking about humor, not the memes he aggregatesis painfully abject. He relies on a Tucker Max-esque style of storytelling, glorifying cocaine and alcohol abuse and fucking his groupies, who all embody a different type of crazy girl stereotype.

In a chapter ironically titled The Eleven Commandments of Not Being the Worst Person Ever, he warns readers that if you aggressively and frequently talk about your sex life, people will think youre gay. When you tell me that you tackled a slam pig and stuffed her axe wound, he writes, I assume that your actual goal is having anal sex with men. Ostrovsky makes sure to note that the only exception to this rule is Dan Bilzerian, who has literally thrown a woman off his roof, breaking her foot, and been accused of kicking another woman in the face.

Money Pizza Respect is laced with homophobic comments. He writes a note to P. Diddy: Sorry for outing you as a homosexual. Im pretty sure you are, but Im sorry. Theres also a healthy dose of sexism, describing his female groupies as a bunch of fours and fives who have giant lady hands hate their dads. To complete the trifecta, he also manages to be transphobic, referring to transgender women as trannies in a chapter chronicling his brothers bachelor party. (When his brother and friends found out the strippers who were giving them lap dances were trans, they left the club immediately.)

Before I met Ostrovsky, I was confused about how he was so successful, especially after reading his book, where he brags about his selfish and generally gross behavior at every possible moment, proudly displays pictures of him wearing a thong made out of beef jerky, and writes things like, Cocaine is the greatest gift the world has ever seen.

When I sat down with him at a press junket, located at an arcade in Chinatown, I immediately understood why hes garnered so much success. He is unfortunately charming and is actually a naturally funny person. Hes like the cool, mean boy in 8th grade, the type who introduced pot to all your friends and made fun of girls for being ugly or not having boobs yet. The type who definitely bullied me, and yet I tirelessly tried to gain his affection.

During our interview, Ostrovsky remained on the defensive, masterful at answering my questions with non-answers. He is somebody who has never taken life seriously, which is perhaps not too difficult for a straight, white, affluent male. He is fundamentally interested in his conception of fun, and hopes youll join him for the ride. If not, fuck off.

Its not that I began to like Ostrovsky or his book any more after meeting him, but I went from hating him to feeling an iota of pity for him. His flamboyant and unapologetic immaturity, his bratty affect: This is what has brought him success, and what I imagine will be his inevitable downfall.

So my approach for this interview, because I know a lot of people have been shitting on you, is to not shit on you.

No ones been shitting on me.

I was curious about how that affected you emotionally, and how you felt about getting blasted by the media.

It was definitely a shitty situation. Im of the Internet, so its like a lot of people screaming about things. I respect trolling. I respect people screaming at one another, which is why the Internet is so fucking great. I definitely didnt take it personally. It was also something that needed to get talked about. People were not on the same page. Like a 38-year-old comedy writer and a 16-year-old Filipino millennial were not seeing the issue the same way.

I try to look at it like I was the face of the whole thing. I mean the Internet is a giant, lawless fuckin thing. Sometimes we need some rules But not too many. Because that would be weird. No parents. But you know, sometimes people get pissed. I obviously see it from the 16-year-old Filipino millennial side. I dont look for credit on my stuff and I dont ever watermark or anything like that, but I also get the other side too. Im old enough to understand both sides. I just want everyone to be happy so were fuckin partying.

Instagram for fucking photos of dogs playing volleyball in sunglasses and iguanas surfing. I just want to have everyone get heard, fix the problem, and then get back to surfing iguanas. It didnt rock me emotionally because I just saw it as something that needed to be discussed. It definitely got dangerous and exciting at some points. People just get so crazy, theres a portion of people who dont even know what theyre screaming about. I got chased by TMZ. Some guy followed me around a Duane Reade recording my phone call. That was tight.

You liked that?

I kinda felt like Leo , for like a second. It was also scary. No one wants that life. I was trying to look at it like this is a conversation that needed to be had. I didnt look at it as being shit on. The Internet is more important to me than my family or anything. I would love to be with the Internet, have sex with the Internet, I love the Internet. Now its a better place.

Why was it important for you to celebrate drugs, specifically cocaine, in your book?

Its a mixed bag. I refer to it as the best and worst thing ever. Part of the ethos of this book is that its a how-to guide in that its like I dont know what you should be doing but I know what you shouldnt be doing. Ive seen every horrible thing. I basically think you read this book and you dont do coke. Because youre like, its gonna make me unbearable. Like my breath is gonna smell like a diaper and get into a super intense conversation about stuff I dont even care about.

I think it depends on how old the reader is. For me, Ive done coke so I understood more where you were coming from in that it can be great and terrible at the same time. From a teenagers standpoint, it might just look really cool.

It depends. Im pretty explicit that its been responsible for the greatest things that ever happened, but also some of the most horrendous things, too. I think its more self-reflective than it is encouraging.

Your book is provocative is many ways. People are going to interpret some of the content as transphobic and homophobic. I was thinking of the chapter where you refer to trans women as trannies.

I dont know what youre specifically referring to.

You wrote about tranny strippers. Thats a contentious word. Many trans people have spoken out about how hurtful they find that term to be. I was curious about how you would respond to those critics.

is a factual account of what happened. Youre talking about an actual pejorative word?

Yeah. Its a slur. There were a bunch of moments in the book where I read something and immediately thought about how angry it would make social justice activists on the Internet.

Social justice people are angry at everything.

I was wondering if you included some things specifically to be provocative.

No, definitely not. First of all, any social justice person can come at me at any time. I literally have more transgender friends who will vouch for me than anyone. They self-identify as trannies. Ask a transgender who is not a nerd from the Internet how they identify, and I bet you will find hundreds who identify as trannies.

I know transgender folks who identify that way. Its like the N-word. If they call themselves that, its OK. But having a cis person is a different story.

Any person who would find offense in that kind of minutia is not someone who should be reading this book.

Its not your audience, thats probably true.

That shouldnt be anyones audience, as far Im concerned.

As I was reading your book, I was thinking about your crazy drug and sex stories as they relate to Tucker Maxs stories from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Was he somebody who influenced you?

No, thats like bro culture stuff. This is completely different.

Tonally, there were similarities.

Ive never read it, but I also think that in terms of this book, like Ive been living performance art long enough to write a book full of debaucherous stories, but I wanted to go with more pathos, truth. From what I understand from Tucker Maxs stuff, he doesnt really go into too much stuff like that. Not all the stories here are particularly turnt up, as far as Im concerned. There are some that are honest family stories, not every story is about partying.

But a lot of them are.

We can go through it When I was writing it, putting in some emotion and truth, and some real feeling on it, like talking about my mom having sex with Shel Silverstein and being a 9-year-old child actor diva. Shit like that, to me, that is not the same as walking around a bar with a breathalyzer . I dont not relate to it, but Ive never read any of his stuff.

Ostrovsky as a child actor Josh Ostrovsky

Do you differentiate between the Fat Jew as your performative character and yourself as Josh?

No. I dont go home at night and unscrew the hairection , sit down, and listen to This American Life and be like, Oh, what a hard day at work! Being the Fat Jew! No, its all one in the same. To me, that would be disingenuous. I was doing this stuff long before there was anywhere to share it, long before anyone knew about it. Ten years ago, people in New York would be like, Oh thats the Fat Jew, the guy who does crazy stuff. It wasnt something I created and cultivated in order to share on social media for the masses.

But this is your career, this is your passion, but a lot of artists and actors differentiate between their performative self, which is still their self, and who they are when theyre not performing.

Im not an artist or an actor. Im neither.

How do you identify?

Im the only one whos really just going for it. Im genuinely making it up as I go along. I could start a ros company and that could become a real thing. Im about to do the worlds first EDM cologne.

What is that gonna smell like?

I dont know. Thats a good question. Like I dont even know what that means but Im gonna do it. Its 2015. Anything is possible. The world is so ridiculous at this point. I might open a yoga ashram in Toronto. Who knows? Im one of the only people who doesnt consider anything on or off limits. I dont think that it can be defined. We have this human need to compartmentalize, to be like, What are you? But I dont know.

I guess its my job to say, as a writer trying to make sense of what you do.

I dont think theres anything to make sense of. I dont know. What do you think I do?

I think youre a content creator and performer.

Thats vague. But yeah. Im not not. But thats what Im saying. I like to keep people guessing, keep people off kilter. If people think Im a comedian, I will move in a totally different direction and start making cologne. I wanna make people go, What the fuck? Keeping people guessing, keeping genuine conversation going about me, whether its, I dont want to say the word negative, but whatever its gonna be, thats what I am. A conversation starter? I dont know.

Tastemaker?

Conversation piece? Idiot? All of the above?

Whats your goal with your book? Why do you do what you do? Aside from the fact that you just want to do it.

The end goal with the book is that I think I can get some turnt-up 18-year-old to read. Thats the challenge, like, can you get fuckin some kids to read and think its really fuckin chill? Is that doable? Ill literally do it just for that.

Were doing reading raves to promote the book. IRL is what the programs called. Its just like huge DJs and books. Like, can you make them read? I think its doable. I dont think publishing knows how to do it. I dont think parents know how to do it.

So you want to make reading cool?

Kind of. What if Im somehow the guy to do it?

What are your favorite books?

I love Shel Silverstein, and not only because my mom fucked him. Mostly, Im the type to read 100 listicles. Like, what kind of bagel is Rihanna? You know what I mean? One-hundred times Rihanna ate fruit. Im not reading enough books.

No ones reading enough books.

Maybe now? That would fucking weird. To get a fucking 17-year-old whos over it to sit down and read an entire book? I mean I put in some stuff to break up the chapters, like you can color in a picture of Tyrese. I mean, I dont want you to have to read too much.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

Popular on The Daily Dot

I went to the Rentboy liquidation sale, and all I got was this amazing escort swag

After a massive federal raid, Rentboy had to sell its entire office on Craigslist to pay its lawyers.

By Mary Emily O'Hara — November 02, 2015

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/09/the-fat-jewas-money-pizza-respect-is.html

[caredogstips]

The Fat JewaEUR( tm) s ‘Money Pizza Respect’ is the worst notebook IaEUR( tm) ve ever spoke

I wish I liked the Fat Jews new notebook. It would make a far more interesting bit if he surpassed our anticipations. No one I talked to expected it to be good. I gambling he didnt even write it, said one sidekick. I bet he had his interns write it.

To contextualize this for people who arent on the Internet all the time, Josh The Fat Jew Ostrovsky became the center of controversy when he was accused of stealing memes and jokes from humorists this summer. Ostrovsky had been doing this for years, and amassed millions of Instagram admirers with his admittedly good meme aggregating skills. But comedians took a stand when he signed with the flair bureau CAA in August.

Upon interpret Money Pizza Respect , there is no doubt in my knowledge that the unfortunately entitled work is written by the Fat Jew himself; I confidently assert that Money Pizza Respect is singlehandedly the most difficult journal I have ever read.

His actual sense of humorand Im talking about humor , not the memes he aggregatesis dreadfully abject. He relies on a Tucker Max-esque style of storytelling, praising cocaine and alcohol abuse and fucking his groupies, who all represent a different type of crazy daughter stereotype.

In a section ironically titled The Eleven Commandments of Not Being the Worst Person Ever, he counsels readers that if you aggressively and frequently talk about your sexuality life, people will think youre gay. When you tell me that you undertook a slam pig and stuffed her axe wind, he writes, I assume that your actual destination is having anal sexuality with soldiers. Ostrovsky shapes sure to note that the only exception to this rule is Dan Bilzerian, who has literally thrown a woman off his roof, smashing her foot, and been accused of kicking another woman in the look.

Money Pizza Respect is fastened with homophobic statements. He writes a greenback to P. Diddy: Sorry for outing you as a homosexual. Im pretty sure you are, but Im sorry. Theres too a health dosage of sexism, describing his female groupies as a bunch of fours and fives who have monstrous maid sides detest their daddies. To accomplish the trifecta, he likewise manages to be transphobic, referring to transgender maidens as trannies in a section recounting two brothers bachelor party.( When two brothers and pals found out the strippers “whos” causing them lap dances were trans, they left the club immediately .)

Before I satisfied Ostrovsky, I was confused about how he was so successful, especially after reading his book, where he brags about his selfish and generally gross behaviour at every possible instant, proudly presentations pictures of him wearing a thong made out of beef jerky, and writes situations like, Cocaine is the greatest talent the world has ever seen.

When I sat down with him at a press junket, located at an arcade in Chinatown, I immediately understood why hes garnered so much success. He is unfortunately alluring and is actually a naturally funny person. Hes like the refrigerate, mean son in 8th point, the different types who inserted cup to all your best friend and attained merriment of girls for being ugly or not having boobs hitherto. The form who definitely bullied me, and hitherto I tirelessly tried to gain his affection.

During our interview, Ostrovsky remained on the defensive, masterful at answering my doubts with non-answers. He is somebody who has never taken life seriously, which is perhaps not too difficult for a straight, white, affluent male. He is basically interested in his conception of fun, and hopes youll connect him for the travel. If not, fuck off.

Its not that I began to like Ostrovsky or his book any more after converging him, but I extended from disliking him to appearing an iota of sorrow for him. His ostentatiou and unapologetic immaturity, his bratty affect: This is what has brought him success, and what I imagine will be his inevitable downfall.

So my approaching for this interview, because I know a lot of beings have been shitting on you, is to not shit on you .

No ones been shitting on me.

I was curious about how that affected you emotionally, and how you appeared about getting blasted by the media .

It was certainly a shitty situation. Im of the Internet, so its like a lot of beings screaming about thoughts. I respect trolling. I respect beings hollering at one another, which is why the Internet is so fucking great. I definitely didnt take it personally. It was also something that it was necessary to get talked about. Parties were not on the same sheet. Like a 38 -year-old comedy writer and a 16 -year-old Filipino millennial were not considering the questions the same way.

I try to look at it like I was the look of the whole stuff. I intend the Internet is a giant, lawless fuckin thing. Sometimes the work requires some rules But not too many. Because this is gonna be odd. No parents. But you know, sometimes beings get pissed. I undoubtedly see it from the 16 -year-old Filipino millennial back. I dont look for recognition on my nonsense and I dont ever watermark or anything like that, but I likewise get the other side extremely. Im old enough to understand both sides. I exactly miss everyone to be happy so were fuckin partying.

Instagram for fucking photos of puppies playing volleyball in sunglasses and iguanas surfing. I precisely want to have everyone get listen, set the problem, and then get back to surfing iguanas. It didnt rock me emotionally because I merely understood it as something that needed to be discussed. It definitely went hazardous and exciting at some points. Beings just get fucking crazy, theres a portion of those individuals who dont even know what theyre calling about. I get chased by TMZ. Some person followed me around a Duane Reade preserving my phone call. That was tight.

You liked that ?

I kinda felt like Leo, for like two seconds. It was also scary. No one wants that life. I was trying to look at it like this is a conversation that needed to be had. I didnt look at it as being shit on. The Internet is more important to me than their own families or anything. I would love to be with the Internet, have sex with the Internet, I affection the Internet. Now its a better place.

Why was it important for you to celebrate medicines, specifically cocaine, in your volume ?

Its a mixed bag. I refer to it as the best and worst event ever. Persona of the ethos of this notebook is that its a how-to guide in that its like I dont know what you should be doing but I know what you shouldnt be doing. Ive determined every horrible act. I basically think you read this book and you dont do coke. Because youre like, its gonna establish me unbearable. Like my breath is gonna smell like a napkin and get into a super intense exchange about trash I dont even care about.

I think it depends on how old-time the reader is. For me, Ive done coke so I understood more where you were coming from in that it can be great and appalling at the same age. From a girls position, it might just appear very cool .

It depends. Im pretty explicit that its been responsible for the greatest happenings that ever happened, but likewise some of the most terrifying happenings, very. I think its more self-reflective than it is encouraging.

Your notebook is provocative is many channels. Parties are going to interpret some of the content as transphobic and homophobic. I was thinking of the assembly whatever it is you refer to trans women as trannies .

I dont know what youre specific referring to.

You wrote about tranny strippers. Thats a contentious statement. Numerous trans parties have spoken out about how injurious they find that term to be. I was curious about how you would respond to those reviewers .

is a factual account of what happened. Youre talking about an actual pejorative statement?

Yeah. Its a insult. There were a bunch of moments in the book where I speak something and immediately thought about how angry it would realize social right activists on the Internet.

Social justice parties are angry at everything.

I was wondering if you included some things specific to be provocative .

No, obviously not. First of all, any social justice being can come at me at any time. I literally have more transgender pals who will vouch for me than anyone else. They self-identify as trannies. Request a transgender who is not a geek from the Internet how they identify, and I bet you will find hundreds who mark as trannies.

I know transgender tribes who determine that lane. Its like the N-word. If they call themselves that, its OK. But having a cis person is a different story .

Any person who would find offense in that kind of minutia is not someone who should be reading this book.

Its not your audience, thats possibly true-life.

That shouldnt be anyones gathering, as far Im concerned.

As I was speaking your volume, I was thinking about your crazy narcotic and sexuality storeys as they are linked to Tucker Max s legends from I Hope They Suffice Beer in Hell . Was he somebody who affected you ?

No, thats like bro culture stuff. This is completely different.

Tonally, there were similarities .

Ive never read it, but I also think that in terms of this notebook, like Ive been living concert prowes long enough to write a book full of debaucherous narrations, but I wanted to go with more pathos, true. From what I understand from Tucker Maxs stuff, he doesnt actually move into too much trash like that. Not all the fibs here are particularly turnt up, as far as Im concerned. There are some that are honest lineage floors , not every narration is about partying.

But a lot of them are .

We can go through it When I was writing it, putting in some ardour and truth, and some real appear on it, like speak about my mummy having sex with Shel Silverstein and being a 9-year-old offspring performer diva. Shit like that, to me, that is not the same as walking around a bar with a breathalyzer. I dont not relate to it, but Ive never read any of his stuff.

Ostrovsky as small children actor Josh Ostrovsky

Do you differentiate between the Fat Jew as your performative character and yourself as Josh ?

No. I dont going to go at night and unscrew the hairection, sit down, and listen to This American Life and be like, Oh, what a hard daylight at work! Being the Fat Jew! No, its all one in the same. To me, this is gonna be disingenuous. I was doing this stuff long before there was anywhere to share it, long before anyone knew about it. Ten years ago, people in New York would be like, Oh thats the Fat Jew, the guy who does crazy stuff. It wasnt something I created and raised in order to share on social media for the masses.

But this is your career, this is your joy, but a lot of artists and performers differentiate between their performative ego, which is still their ego, and who they are when theyre not playing .

Im not an master or relevant actors. Im neither.

How do you link ?

Im the only one whos really just going for it. Im genuinely forming it up as I go along. I could start a ros companionship and that could become a real thing. Im about to do the worlds firstly EDM cologne.

What is that gonna aroma like ?

I dont know. Thats a good inquiry. Like I dont even just knowing that that entails but Im gonna do it. Its 2015. Anything is possible. The world-wide is so ridiculous at this extent. I might open a yoga ashram in Toronto. Who knows? Im one of the only people who doesnt consider anything on or off limits. I dont think that it can be defined. We have this human need to compartmentalize, to be like, What are you? But I dont know.

I guess its my job to mention, as a novelist trying to make sense of what you do.

I dont think theres anything to make sense of. I dont know. What do you think I do?

I think youre a content developer and musician .

Thats vague. But yeah. Im not not. But thats what Im enunciating. I like to keep parties approximating, obstruct people off kilter. If people suppose Im a comedian, I will move in a totally different direction and start seeing cologne. I wanna build people move, What the fuck? Maintaining parties guessing, remaining genuine gossip running about me, whether its, I dont want to say the word negative, but whatever its gonna be, thats what I am. A communication starter? I dont know.

Tastemaker ?

Conversation piece? Idiot? All of the above?

Whats your goal with your work? Why do you do what you do? Aside given the fact that you exactly want to do it .

The end goal with the book is that I remember I can get some turnt-up 18 -year-old to read. Thats the challenge, like, can you get fuckin some kids to read and think its genuinely fuckin cold? Is that doable? Ill literally do it just for that.

Were doing speaking raves to promote the book. IRL is what the programs called. Its just like gigantic DJs and works. Like, can you stimulate them read? I think its doable. I dont thoughts writing knows how to do it. I dont think mothers know how to do it.

So you want to realize say chill ?

Kind of. What if Im somehow the person to do it?

What are your favorite journals ?

I ardour Shel Silverstein, and not only because my mom fucked him. Mostly, Im the type to read 100 listicles. Like, what kind of bagel is Rihanna? You know what I entail? One-hundred times Rihanna ate fruit. Im not speaking enough books.

No ones reading enough journals .

Maybe now? That would fucking funny. To get a fucking 17 -year-old whos over it to sit down and read an entire journal? I symbolize I put in some trash to break up the chapters, like you can color in a picture of Tyrese. I symbolize, I dont want you to have to read too much.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

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[hozatin]

1 - 100

AW BEANS OK

loong post ahead LOL

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

spotify!

2. is your room messy or clean?

usually it’s pretty clean LOL

3. what color are your eyes?

some sort of dull green i think? i’m not too sure honestly

4. do you like your name? why?

it’s alright i guess? it means lion or something like that in hebrew and i’m also a leo so that’s pretty neat imo LOL

5. what is your relationship status?

single my dude

6. describe your personality in 3 words or less

Would Not Recommend

7. What color hair do you have?

brown!

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

do not have car

9. where do you shop?

wherever’s closest

10. how would you describe your style?

a Big Mess

11. favorite social media account

dril honestly LOL

12. what size bed do you have?

single though i’m desperately trying to save up for a queen sized 

13. any siblings?

a little brother!

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

i’d honestly be happy where i am now if the wifi was good and it like. wasn’t in the middle of nowhere

15. favorite snapchat filter?

dog!

16. favorite makeup brand(s)

mac! and lush even though they don’t really do that kinda stuff

17. how many times a week do you shower?

literally every day

18. favorite tv show?

stranger things!

19. shoe size?

7 and a half

20. how tall are you?

5′6′’!

21. sandals or sneakers?

sneakers!

22. do you go to the gym?

i mean there’s a gym room in my house and i go there sometimes

23. describe your dream date

honestly if i loved them just hanging out with them would be enough as awful and cheesy as that sounds ROFL

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

like 50p

25. what color socks are you wearing?

none

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?

two!

27. do you have a job? what do you do?

i do! currently working at a boarding kennel where i take care of the dogs

28. how many friends do you have?

honestly you could talk to me like once and i’d consider you a friend so going by that logic like 50 ROFL

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?

hoo boy,

30. whats your favorite candle scent?

lavender!

31. 3 favorite boy names

vincent, jason and lucas!

32. 3 favorite girl names

emily, charlotte and hollie!

33. favorite actor?

does tomska count? i love him so much LOL

34. favorite actress?

natalia dyer!

35. who is your celebrity crush?

natalia dyer ROFL

36. favorite movie?

alien now that i’ve finally managed to watch it LOL, before that it was mean girls

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

now and then. i love the martian!

38. money or brains?

brains! though honestly i don’t really care for both rofl like as long as you’re nice it’s all good i have literally no standards

39. do you have a nickname? what is it?

rai, ari, A, oreo, and literally every single mispronunciation of my name there is

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

not comfortable with answering that

41. top 10 favorite songs

these aren’t in any particular order but the ones i like really love i’ve put in italics LOL

Willow Tree March - The Paper Kites

Dear Daphne - Clara C

Heart it Races - Dr. Dog

Stay With Me - Sam Smith

Cannibals - Absent Elk

Always - P!ATD

Five Past Ten - Blair

Greek Tragedy - The Wombats

Gasoline - Halsey

Paris - The Chainsmokers

42. do you take any medications daily?

fluoxetine in the morning and melatonin tablets at night

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

Gross

44 .what is your biggest fear?

why would this be something i would willingly put on a public site for everyone to see

45. how many kids do you want?

i’m honestly not sure? i love kids but honestly i’m so afraid of fucking it up right now to actually see myself raising any rofl

46. whats your go to hair style?

straightened

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

it’s. spacious alright

48. who is your role model?

honestly?? fred rogers LOL i would love to be as kind and as generous as he was

49. what was the last compliment you received?

if i can be well and truly honest i can’t remember but that’s because every good thing goes in one ear and out the other while all the bad shit is like magnetically attracted to my brain

50. what was the last text you sent?

“Next week? Will do!” to my boss asking me to come in next tuesday LOL

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

8 i think?

52. what is your dream car?

one that belongs to me

53. opinion on smoking?

not really my thing personally but you do you

54. do you go to college?

not at the moment

55. what is your dream job?

if i ever figure out what the fuck i want to do with my life i’ll hit you up LOL

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? 

suburbs definitely! living out in a rural area gets super lonely sometimes :(

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

nope

58. do you have freckles?

nope

59. do you smile for pictures?

usually yeah

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?

like 80

61. have you ever peed in the woods?

i’m sorry to say but the thought’s never crossed my mind???

62. do you still watch cartoons?

i watch steven universe now and then

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

mcdonalds

64. Favorite dipping sauce?

salsa!

65. what do you wear to bed?

pyjamas! half the time they don’t even match it’s just whatever i grab first rofl

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?

i’ve never even been in a spelling bee

67. what are your hobbies?

art guitar and sobbing uncontrollably at random intervals

68. can you draw?

god i wish

69. do you play an instrument?

guitar and ukulele LOL, i’m hoping to get back into violin and piano at some point as well!

70. what was the last concert you saw?

area 11 in glasgow

71. tea or coffee?

i have no preference honestly

72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

starbucksss

73. do you want to get married?

it’s a nice thought! but honestly i’m not too sure yet :(

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married? 

probably yeah!

76. what color looks best on you?

i wish i knew my dude

77. do you miss anyone right now?

not really??

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed!

79. do you believe in ghosts?

i mean i’ll believe it when i see it LOL, i love paranormal stuff but idk most of it seems pretty far-fetched

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?

people who are too cocky tbh

81. last person you called?

if we’re counting skype it was a group of friends!

82. favorite ice cream flavor?

mint chocolate!

83. regular oreos or golden oreos?

regular

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

rainbow

85. what shirt are you wearing?

a big ass comfy sweater/hoodie thing LOL

86. what is your phone background?

my dog milo!

87. are you outgoing or shy?

it honestly really heavily depends on who i’m with and who i’m talking to? i just clam up when i’m intimidated by someone like it’s so embarrassing but i guess it’s better than acting like a moron and having them hate you that little bit more rofl

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?

yes!! love that shit!!

89. do you like your neighbors?

ofc! they’re lovely

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

at night and in the morning

91. have you ever been high?

nope

92. have you ever been drunk?

a handful of times yeah ROFL

93. last thing you ate?

grapes

94. favorite lyrics right now

the first bit of chained to the rhythm’s been stuck in my head for the past week now and i hate it

95. summer or winter?

summer for the warmth but winter for the aesthetic LOL

96. day or night?

day!

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate?

milk!

98. favorite month?

september! it gets super pretty out here around that time with all the leaves changing

99. what is your zodiac sign?

leo!

100. who was the last person you cried in front of?

not counting my therapist i honestly don’t think i’ve cried in front of anyone since first year? unless there’s a memory somewhere i’ve just purged from my mind but i try to keep that shit private rofl

thank you anon!