#cassian thoughts
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Cassian x Reader Masterlist
NSFW Alphabet
Cassian loves Chubby Girls
Cassian x Chubby!Reader Blurb
🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them.
Desperate Cassian
Showering with Cass
“You look like a mess and I love it, because I’m the one who made you like this”
Cass smackin ass!
Traditions
Pre-Girl Dad!Cassian Headcanons
Girl Dad!Cassian Headcanons
Cassian man titty thots
Smutty Cass thots
Gym Bro Cass with his chubby lady
A/N: The long awaited Cassian x Reader Masterlist, fully updated for you all! These include some blurbs, headcanons, and full oneshots for you guys! I really hope you enjoy. I have been working through my official masterlist to update that as well. So far, the cassian stuff and Always have been updated. A couple of the new drabbles I wrote have also been added towards the end. I will be making a seprate masterlist for each character just to make things easier while I organize my whole main masterlist. For the time being, this should be good enough hopefully. Please let me know your guy's thoughts, comments, asks, and reblogs are DEEPLY appreciated. The mean the entire world to me.
#cassian x reader#cassian x you#cassian x y/n#cassian acotar#general cassian#acotar#acotar fanfic#acotar drabbles#acotar blurbs#acotar thoughts#acotar headcanons#cassian headcanons#cassian blurbs#cassian thoughts#rose writes
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ACOTAR headcanons // (au) cassian
I feel like I need to put a disclaimer before my favs on here block me for being a cassian!girlie, BUT I'M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS I SWEAR 😂😂😂 PLS LOVE ME ANYWAY I HAVE THE BRAINWORMS RN BEAR WITH ME
That said, I don't think I have much Cassian content to post aside from this (until Cassian week).
Anyway, this is in regards to my au!cassian, also known as Wildflowers!Cassian (my canon-divergent prequel fic), also ALSO known as Mathian (mathi!cassian -- shout out to @wingsdippedingold for the name I love it, I'm adopting it his full name is Cassian Mathian the first of his name, general of the night court, etc etc.).
The Tamlin x Cassian besties brainworms have taken a hold of me so, I've stopped fighting it.
ABOUT MATHI'S CASSIAN
uses 'bro' way too much.
imagines the mating bond to be something akin (but not as good) as having the perfect gym bro who spots you and supports you when you're trying to hit a PR
mental health adage: pain without gains is a no-no. it means that you should not be suffering pointlessly, and will encourage you to address ur problems so you can have MENTAL GAINS too.
values truth and justice, would fight his own people for doing the wrong thing; case in point, he was horrified at Rhys' misuse of his daemati abilities.
would never sleep with Mor because he knew Azriel liked her -- that's wrong bro. he would try to find a different way out, maybe 1v1 eris in a fallmart parking lot if it came down to it. i also feel like he's the type of character to make sure that someone's first time is really, really special. he would pull out all the stops to make his partner feel comfortable.
his favourite greeting @ tamlin is a headbutt or tackle. there is no reality where they don't end up wrestling, it's very embarassing to rhys and lucien as the local 'himbo' handlers.
i believe the proper characterization for cassian to be the himbo trifecta: kind, handsome and a lil bit dumb.
10/10 would save kittens from trees, also 10/10 would mistake a tasmanian devil for a cat that needs to be saved and gets scratched the hell out of him
vegetarian ally, he actually tried to start going vegan to support tamlin -- at least, when they're together -- but the unanimous consensus was that for the sake of prythian and its inhabitants, no one should suffer those bean/tofu farts (you might think this is a joke, but i will NOT expand on my tofu experience thanks) and he also thinks being vegetarian is beans only so like guys he's TRYING
it's very important to me that cassian is gray romantic or demi-romantic; i like to imagine that he feels very deeply, which is why he hides it with is silliness, and with his upbringing, it's not very easy to open up his world to anyone. idk, cassian sleeping around doesn't particularly speak to me. take this with a grain of salt, i haven't explored this side of him enough to be definitive.
rhys and azriel are his brothers, tamlin is his best friend in the whole world. rhys and tamlin killing each other's parents and the subsequent rift would have broken his heart, he would have sad puppied the rest of the series if I had any say in it.
i think if not for his bargain w/ rhys, he would have absolutely reached out for tamlin for help when Rhys disappeared (spoilers for my sequel mb???)
he is a super senshi at heart -- sailor mars, specifically, is his fav. he sees himself in her OK.
cassian is short, esp for a fae he's like 5'7"-5'10" at best and its great bc we love a short king
plays pranks on Tamlin the most bc Rhys is a smartass, Azriel is a knowitall, Mor and Lucien just don't believe him, he's scared of Amren and Tamlin always listens
i'm anti-bond in general, so i wouldn't mate him with anyone, but if the vibes are there, the vibes are there.
cassian is the first person outside Tamlin's family to help him do his hair
i think people underestimate the comedic value of cassian toting people around under his arms as a legit travel method. oh, someone isn't showing up? send cassian, he will fetch them for u
cassian did impersonate tamlin for a day in his court bc tamlin/cassian had a bet with everyone else that they AREN'T the same person and they are very, very, very different -- nobody noticed the switch, they just thought tamlin was having a very silly day. cassian even chatted up the local wildlife which... is very tamlin. the only things that did notice were the Green (flora magic) that were very 🙄🙄🙄 at cassian
is anti-tithe bc he doesn't know what it means; he suggested everyone donate a part of their earnings so that they can have a very big savings account to pay for things that affect the collectivity of the court, he is also taking NO NOTES on his brilliant idea nONE
tamlin will never say it, but cassian's birthday gifts are his fav (they r usually really ugly matching shirts with something really dumb on them)
I'll probably expand on this list if I have ideas, but I feel like this gives a decent framework to the type of character when ✨I✨ am referring to him. As a person, I do not live in the canon universe, and I have decided to make a personalized blorbo out of Cassian.
This is also the energy I bring my twitter memes 😂
#everyone should just assume i exist solely in the wildflowers au i created for acotar universe#cassian#cassian thoughts#anti sjm#my headcanons#acotar
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Sun cream
Imagining how pissy Cassian and Azriel would get when they have to go to the Summer or Day courts because they have to put a sun protective lotion on their wings to make sure they don’t get hurt in the heat
Cassie
‘Oh my mother, Cassian! It’s just some lotion, and if you don’t put in on, then you’re not going outside. Do you understand me?’
The General shoots you a look of intensive displeasure. He doesn’t want to, they’re too sensitive.
You really don’t want to force it on him - it’s probably very uncomfortable to have the lotion smeared across the intimate expanse of skin. But just thinking about how painful it would be for him if he doesn’t let you put the cream on is enough to steel you.
‘Cassian.’
His eyes flick away, shoulder sloping as he gives in, begrudgingly stomping over until he’s towering in front of you.
‘This is ridiculous. I’ll just stay in the shade. Besides, it’s too hot to be flying around.’
You feel bad, but you remind yourself of the consequences, giving him a stern look - as firm as you can manage.
‘We both know that’s the sole reason you would want to take off to the skies. To cool down in the wind, forgetting about the sun still being a problem just because you can’t feel it.’
His shoulder slump further, the wings at his back deflating slightly as you stick to your argument.
‘Hey, I’m sorry. I know it’s probably uncomfortable, and you know I don’t enjoy putting you through this, but it’s for your own good, Cass. Think what would happen if your wings were damaged again.’
A mischievous spark then enters his eye as he gives you a sly look.
‘Actually, I think you’ll enjoy this quite a lot.’
You give him a quizzical look. A grin spread across his mouth as he cocks a brow at you.
‘You know how sensitive our wings are, sweetheart. Maybe you’ll pretend to take no pleasure from it, but I know, deep inside, you’ll be savouring every second of power.’
Heat flushes your cheeks as you take a small step back, the lotion forgotten. He advances as you yield ground to him, large hands gripping your hips as he pulls you right against the hard line of his body, head dropping to your ear.
‘Greedy, little, sweetheart.’
Azzie
‘I could do it?’
Azriel’s startled eyes flick to yours as you stare at him with an alarmed look, your hand covering your mouth as you replay what you just offered.
‘I mean— obviously, I could just get Rhys, or Cass? That would probably be better. Yeah. Less weird. Definitely. I’ll go get one of them.’
You were about to turn, but Azriel breaks the silence.
��No, it’s fine. I trust you.’
He hands the small tin over to you, fingers brushing against your as he passes it over to you, moving back to sit on the bed.
He trusts you.
You suppose that makes sense. You’re in a relationship, you would hope he trusts you. Still, this is pretty big, right? Letting you touch his wings?
Just have to make sure you don’t mess this up.
You manage a nod, moving to clamber into the bed behind him. You unscrew the lid, scooping the cool cream up on your middle and forefinger.
‘And you’re sure you’re fine with this? I completely understand if you would prefer one of your brothers who actually have wings to do this?’
He gives you a look over his shoulder, a slight grin playing in his mouth.
‘Maybe it would be faster for one of them to do it. But I’ll enjoy it so much more if it’s from you.’
#azzie#Cassie#Azriel#Cassian#drabble#Azriel drabble#Cassian drabble#Azriel thoughts#Cassian thoughts#thoughts
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wow rogue one is really a love letter to the unnamed fighter. no act of help is too small, every deed causes a ripple. luke showed up to blow the death star, and there was the plan to do it--countless of people died to get him that, and luke knows none of them. how many rebel planes get shot down every battle? how many civilians die in explosions? how many died to get the plans to luke? rogue one says you. and you and you and you. every one of you. what will come of it? who knows. something.
#rogue one#star wars#cassian andor#jyn erso#luke skywalker#cass rambles#i be having thoughts again 🎶
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Quotes from "ANDOR" which keep haunting me:
"Gets to you, doesn't it? That's what a reckoning sounds like."
"That's just love. Nothing you can do about that."
"But this time... You can't stay and I can't go."
"Power doesn't panic."
"I burn my life to make a sunrise that I know I’ll never see. And the ego that started this fight will never have a mirror or an audience or the light of gratitude."
"Never more than twelve."
"ONE WAY OUT!"
"I've made my mind a sunless place. I share my dreams with ghosts."
"I can't swim."
"Let's call it war."
"Tyranny requires constant effort. Authority is brittle. It breaks, it leaks. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that."
"Freedom is a pure idea."
"I show you the stone in my hand, you miss the knife at your throat."
"Tell him I love him more than anything he could ever do wrong."
"The Empire is a disease that thrives in darkness, it is never more alive than when we sleep."
#and i think i forgot about a few but THAT'S ENOUGH OF A HEARTBREAK FOR NOW OK#andor#andor show#andor series#cassian andor#maarva andor#mon mothma#karis nemik#luthen rael#kino loy#andoredit#my thoughts#quotes#sw#swedit#star wars#star wars andor#andor spoilers#swdaily#sw spoilers#diego luna#fandom#writing#andor quotes#stellan skarsgard#genevieve o'reilly#andy serkis#1k to 5k#5k#that's the most notes i got 🥺❤️
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our favorite acotar men + “i could fix him” text posts
#this all started because i saw that text post and immediately thought of my bby lucien#a court of thorns and roses#acotar memes#rhysand#cassian#azriel#lucien vanserra#eris vanserra#helion#tamlin#tarquin#book memes#fantasy memes#text post memes#i could fix him#a court of mist and fury#a court of silver flames#acotar
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im 8 years late with this......
#star wars#rogue one#kayssian#cassian andor#k2so#diego luna#my art#and I am back with fucking star wars who would've thought
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kidnapper on the phone: we have your son
feyre, staring at nyx: he’s with me right now?
kidnapper: then who’s this illyrian demanding we cut the crust off his sandwich and read him bedtime stories?
feyre: …
feyre: i can’t believe they have cassian
#— lyssa’s thoughts#acotar#incorrect acotar#incorrect acotar quotes#feyre archeron#feyre acotar#acotar feyre#acotar memes#cassian acotar#acotar cassian#inner circle#night court#a court of thorns and roses
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We’re Bumping Booties, Having Us a Ball
Summary: Nesta and Azriel are suspicious of you and Cassian spending so much time together.
It was unusual for Nesta to speak individually to Azriel. This might be the first time she’s ever sought him out to have a discussion, and frankly, it slightly terrified him.
She approached him, and after looking around for wandering ears, deeming it safe to speak, she asked “have you noticed something different between our mates?”
Azriel blinked. He had no idea what he expected Nesta to talk to him about, but it certainly wasn’t about you and Cassian.
“What are you talking about?” He asks, genuinely curious.
“They’ve been spending a lot of time together lately,” she huffs, clearly annoyed he doesn’t see what she does.
“We all spend an absurd amount of time together, Nesta,” he replies.
She rolls her eyes, “why she wants to be with you is beyond me, you insufferable bat. Okay, fine, maybe I’m making it up. Next time we’re all together at Rita’s, just pay attention to them.”
And so he did. He noticed you and Cassian conspiring over something, he just wasn’t sure what. You didn’t spend the whole time with Cassian, just whenever Azriel went to get you more drinks, you’d immediately start speaking to Cass and your conversation would conveniently end when Azriel returned.
He didn’t think anything nefarious was going on. You two had been mates for ages, before Cassian ever even met Nesta. You and Cassian had a friendship best described as siblings - honestly seeing his brother love you so much warmed his heart.
So he wasn’t worried you were doing anything scandalous with Cassian, but he knew when you were conspiring, and oh were you conspiring.
The next time Azriel gets up for drinks, he stops by Nesta and tells her, “they’re up to something. Let’s find out what.”
-
It didn’t take long for them to catch a hint that you and Cassian had plans. Two nights later, Cassian told Nesta that he had to drop his leathers off to get patched, and you told Azriel you were going to a cobbler to have your shoes fixed.
Nesta and Azriel met in the hallway after their respective mates had left. “She told me she had a cobbler to visit - at 9 PM.” Azriel knew you were much better at crafting lies than that - he likes to think you have a hard time lying to him. And you do.
“He muttered something about getting his leathers repatched.” Nesta scowled.
Azriel just stared at her, honestly shocked at this mission they’re embarking on.
A few minutes of silence pass. Nesta feels compelled to break it, unsure of what they’re waiting for, before a few shadows come back and dance slowly around Azriel’s ears.
“They’re on the roof.”
-
“Okay, put your hand here. Do it like this. No, you have to put your hips into it. OW! That was my foot!”
Azriel and Nesta crept up to the door to the rooftop - a flat area designed to entertain guests and occasionally watch Starfall. Hardly anyone used the rooftop during the year, especially not during the winter when it’s freezing up there.
Nesta and Azriel can hear you way before they see the two of you, sharing a quizical look when they hear you muttering explitives about your foot.
“Can you see anything?” Nesta whispers.
“No, we can peak around the corner though,” Azriel replies, starting to crouch to peer around the corner.
He and Nesta peer around the corner at the same time, the sight being even more surprising than if their mates were cheating on them.
“Are they..?” Nesta asks.
“Dancing.” Azriel says.
“She’s dancing, he’s doing… something. But it’s not dancing.”
They continue to watch the two of you for a while, amazed at your patience with teaching Cassian how to dance. You’re being exceptionally kind and patient with him, taking time to help him practice, despite the pleas from your toes to have him stop.
“She’s teaching him to dance, he’s never been good at formal dancing,” Azriel whispers to Nesta, an idea of why you’d be doing this forming in his mind.
“Cassian wants to know how to dance?” Nesta asks, confusion evident across her face. Azriel turns to look at her, amusement across his face, “Why do you think he’d want to learn to dance when he’s never been interested in doing more than dancing at Rita’s before?”
Realization dawns across her face, “he wants to dance with me.” She says quietly. She continues to stare at her mate, in awe of how incredibly sweet this gesture is, and a little upset that he went to you to teach him how to dance instead of her.
“Okay, I’m calling it. I’ve spun you around enough tonight. I want to go to bed.”
Cassian’s voice breaks Nesta train of thought. She grabs Azriel’s arm, almost making him fall over with how hard she’s trying to get them to move. “We need to go - he’d be devastated if we ruined his surprise.”
Nesta and Azriel hurry down the stairs, back down to the hallway where they met each other thirty minutes earlier.
“So, Nesta,” Azriel says, very amused at his brother’s surprise, “how do you feel about their little secret?”
Nesta sighs and says quietly, “that I have an incredibly thoughtful mate and I almost ruined his surprise due to some jealousy.”
“Good,” Azriel replies, “and that I have an incredibly kind mate who loves the two of you greatly.”
Azriel left Nesta to consider that, and when you returned to your shared room smelling briefly of Cassian, he chuckled to himself and offered to rub your feet while you two take a bath.
Azriel waits until Starfall, when Cassian takes Nesta on the dance floor for a while, looking pretty decent, to tell you, “hmm, someone looks like he’s finally figured out how to dance.”
Your eyes snap to his face, “He must have had a wonderful teacher.” Azriel’s mischievous smile tells you that he knows just who Cassian’s teacher was.
“I wonder if his teacher’s available to show me some moves,” he says, grabbing your waist and pulling you closer.
“I heard she’s booked for months. She’s very hard to get in to see,” you reply, placing your hand on his jaw.
“You think she’d make a special exception for me?” He says, giving you an incredibly pitiful look.
“I think I can get her to pencil you in,” you reply, grabbing his face and kissing him.
#acotar fanfiction#azriel x reader#azriel x you#azriel fluff#azriel#azriel fanfic#don’t mind me#just wanting to be besties with Cassian#unfortunately#not much azriel/you but I thought this was an adorable idea
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Elain shrinks into herself when Lucien is around?
This girl gets flashes of the future. You know there's been images of:
Their bodies slick with sweat
His teeth on her inner thighs
His voice moaning her name
His hands tangled in her hair
His mouth on her.... well, everywhere
Her knees on the forest floor looking up at him.
Her crying out his name, again and again
Looking at Lucien would bring those images racing back and we all know that a shift in her scent could be detected, the reddening of her face would easily be spotted.
Elain was raised to behave like a lady.
Lucien brings about very unladylike thoughts.
Hot Mate + Seer Powers = Elain having no need to read a smutty novel for inspiration because she's now already seen things she never realized were a thing and you know she'd be struggling with how much they intrigued her since as Nesta said, humans were taught primness.
It's really that simple. Sarah didn't call Lucien her love then remind us over and over of how hot he is, how Cassian, Amren and the king noted his good looks, how Feyre thought of his warm bare chest, broad hard shoulders and gleaming hair (while already mated to Rhys no less), for one of the daemati twins to tell us all about the bedroom habits of the Autumn Court males only for his own mate not to notice the exact same things.
#elucien#pro elucien#elain archeron#lucien vanserra#anti e/riel#pro lucien vanserra#pro elain archeron#elucien supremacy#She doesn't need to want a mating bond to still want to ride Lucien into next week#But of course those sorts of thoughts would be difficult for her to admit with her upbringing#Nesta didn't want a mating bond either yet still wanted Cassian from the moment she met him#Which also scared her
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The hottest thing Cassian did In ACOSF wasn’t the headboard scene…
It was when the queen was gonna have him kill Nesta and he decided to kill himself instead
#i said what i said#the angst#I was frothing at the mouth#cassian acotar#nesta x cassian#cassian#lord of bloodshed#nesta acosf#nesta archeron#nesta acotar#nessian#acotar thoughts#acotar#acosf
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#has anyone done this#has anyone thought this thought#andor#luthen rael#cassian andor#jyn erso#chernobyl#stellan skarsgard
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acotar incorrect quotes // baked bean
cassian, 5'10": oh my god, you're so tall you look like a giraffe tamlin, 6'5": thats why u dead built like a baked bean cassian: A BAKED cassian: A BAKED BEAN??
meme reference
#azriel holding cas back from throwing hands at tamlin#wait pause if tamlin is vegetarian and he eats beans is he FLIRTING WITH CAS#cassian thoughts#cassian and tamlin are both equal in largeness but not in height#himbo besties#pro tamlin#cassian#tamlin#acotar incorrect quotes#incorrect quotes#my memes
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RIP Rhys you would have loved making street interview videos where you ask women what they think about feminism
RIP Cassian you would have loved going to the gym and filming a bunch of homoerotic tiktoks with your gym bros
RIP Azriel you would have loved Sims 2 emo machinimas with my Immortal playing in the background
RIP Tamlin you would have loved going to Anime conventions and walk behind cosplayers while playing the theme songs on your violin
RIP Eris you would have loved going to dog parks and instigate drama between dog owners
RIP Lucien you would have loved fishing with a bunch of middle-aged dads and trying to make them laugh with dad jokes
#rhysand#cassian acotar#azriel acotar#tamlin#eris vanserra#lucien vanserra#acotar memes#acotar thoughts#acotar
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Alone
Pairing: no one really.
Summary: Reader starts to feel left out in her own family...
Warnings: Neglection. Suicide thoughts. Self harm (in detail) please go back if any of these bother you. Your mental heath matters more.
A/N: I think I need therapy too...
Masterlist Part 2(Azriel) Part 2(Eris)
○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●
Ever wondered what it's like to be alone?
It's a game, really. A game of utter self degradation. A game where there are only two players, you and your mind. A game where you never truly win and you always have to keep playing because your brain never tires.
A game which no one else realizes your playing until you lose and it's too late.
It's the game you have been playing ever since the Archerons joined the inner circle. You love them all, honestly. Thier different personalities was the first thing that drew you to them. You admir all three of them but the one thing you hate is how you got left alone after their involvement to your life.
Before them, you all relied on all of you for company and support. Now, everybody has their own person.
Rhysand has Feyre, Cassian has Nesta, Azriel has Elain, and Mor and Amren have found thier partners too but in case they aren't present, Mor and Amren, as crazy as it sounds, rely on each other. Just like that, everybody has a person to go home to, to come back safely for, to turn to for comfort.
You don't have anyone.
You hate going home because your bed is always empty. You hate going on missions because you know no one would be worrying about you every minute you gone. You hate celebrations because you have no one to dance with, to drink with, to end the day with.
You love family dinners. Even though you never get a chance to speak, even though you never talk to anyone, even though no one notices your presence. You love family dinners and meetings because it's the only time youre not alone.
It's doesn't matter if you're lonely, at least you aren't alone.
But in the game you're playing with yourself, after a while, you get too tired to challenge back with same force. You don't push back the mean thoughts your mind throws at you as insults. You listen to them, compare them to your situation and realise, you've been trying to win for nothing.
You slowly stop trying to protect yourself all together.
The first time you didn't go to a family dinner, you thought you would regret it later but you didn't, instead you felt glad that you didn't go because no one had come to get you, no one came to ask why you didn't show, no one cared about you enough to think why you didn't go.
So you stopped going at all.
You stopped doing everything with you 'family' and prefered being left alone.
You only met them when you had a mission together or anything related to work.
Just like that, today you had gone to one of the Illyrian camps at Rhys orders. He got report saying things haven't been going as they should there and wanted you to go check. But on your way back you had been ambushed by a group of six men wanting to kill you in the camp, they couldn't of course but you did come out of the fight with a large sward wound on your left side.
All you wanted to do was go home, rest, tend to your wound and sleep. You can give the report to Rhys tomorrow.
You let out a grunt and step in your house, immediately tense seeing a shadow of a person move the dark room. Your hand placing itself in your dagger straped to your thigh, you other hand on the left side of your waist pressing on your wound.
"Relax, it's just me." A familiar voice fills the silence as the fae lights turn on and Rhysands face becomes visible. You sigh in relief and furrow your eyebrows,"What you doing so late in my house?" You nearly snap, but hold back as respect for your high lord.
"You came late you were suppose to be here two hours ago." For minute it feels like he cares for you, and you allow yourself to believe that he was worried for you but you fantasy shatters the second he opens his mouth again. "You were supposed to deliver your report two hours ago. You know how important this is, I have other things to do too." His voice sharp as he scolds you.
"You're right, I'm sorry. I got attacked while leaving, it took time to fight them of. It was six against one but well I managed to survive, eh?" Rhysand's scowl deepens. "Tell me what happened there now."
Your eyes closs for a second whem you feel dizzy. "Look, how about you give me ten minutes to freshen up, and I also have a wound to–," You try to say but he cuts you off saying,"I don't have more time. Tell me right now what happened so I can get started on fixing things, then you can have all the time to fresh up as you want. My office, now." He doesn't leave much to room to argue and winnows you to his office.
You sigh and start speaking, repeating everything you noticed in the camp as Rhysand listens and writes down the report. Near the end, you feel another wave of dizziness hit you and put your head down to rest it against the backrest of your chair and groan when you feel pain shoot up from your injury from the movement.
Rhysand finally notices the source of your pain and his eyes flare,"You're hurt?" You scoff. "Yes. That's what I was trying to tell you before you winnowed us here."
"I didnt notice it. I'm sorry, you should go tend to it." He quickly dismisses you, finally letting you go back to your house.
As you look at yourself in the mirror, thinking how filthy and hideous you seem, you grit your teeth. Of course no one notices you. Look at you. You are ugly and filled with dirt and scars all over your body.
How could anyone look at you when you can't even look at yourself.
Your gaze falls to your wound, the big cut that spread from under you left breast to the start of your thigh. If was deep enough to bleed you dry.
Would anyone even notice if you did? If you don't heal and let the injury bleed you dead. Would anyone know that you were gone? That your body layed unmoving in the bathroom floor. How long would it take for someone to find you? Who would find you? Probably Rhysand when he needs you for his next mission.
You eye your dagger that you unshielded on your way in the bathroom. How long would it take for you to bleed out? Hours? Days? You didn't want that. That was too much. You don't think you can handle that much pain constantly. Maybe if you took that dagger and deepen your cut, you would bleed out faster. Maybe you would have a faster death. Sure it would hurt but at least you would be gone before someone found you.
You would be free. Free of the loneliness. Free of the feeling like you were a burden in everyone's life. Free of wanting Someone to care for you the way you see everyone else care for their loved ones. You would finally be at peace.
You gasp and blink out the terrible thoughts. Breathing heavy, you search for the cotton and Healing cream in the cupboards. You groan out with you don't find any of them.
You turn back to the mirror. Maybe your brain is right. Maybe this is a sign from Mother herself telling you to not let the wound heal and die right here, right now. Your gaze finds the knife again, eyeing the sharp edge. Would it really be that bad?
Your hand grips the handle of the dagger, bringing it closer to the cut. You let the cold mettle edge scrap the skin, an inch afar the start of the cut. The sharp edge slicing through skin like paper, leaving a line of crimson red blood, seeping out of the newly cut skin.
Your eyes widen as you observe yourself, keeping the knife near the cut but not touching it entirely.
It's... mesmerizing. The way blood slowly comes out of the skin, the small and steady lines created by your dagger are engrossing. And the pain, the pain is hypnotizing, slowing raising to the rest of your body. Your body feels electrified, there's snips of pain tingling through out your entire body, your ears buzzing with excitement. Your hands are shaking and eyes bluring but all you can focus on is how much you want to do this again. Feel your skin open beneath you knife again. Feel the pain that slowing raises with each extra inch of cut.
Oh gods. What have you done?
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