#cas deserves to forgive himself and accept who he is and never look back... it's fucking time ♥♥♥

[stillwinchester]

i have this fic idea. cas is gone, amara is the new god, and jack stays on earth (he decides to go to the high school). dean griefs, but meantime he tries to be a better father for jack. he knows he screwed up a lot of things, so he starts to fix it. i even have an emotional scene where jack begs dean to look at him (just like dean begged mary). to see him. to notice him. and after this, it's a little better between them. they talk. a lot. dean says it wasn't jack's fault that cas is gone. he tells the stories about him from the past. and every day he drops him to school with a lunchbox he makes for him.

dean tries to move on, but it's hard. eventually, on parents' evening, he meets jack's teacher (let call him phil). they talk to each other, mostly about jack. dean explains it's a great kid, but he lost his father recently, so if the teacher could keep an eye on him, it would be great.

lebanon is a small town, so dean and phil bump on each other on many occasions, and finally, phil invites dean for a coffee.

dean doesn't stop looking for a way to rescue cas, but he opens up to phil. he tells him about monsters, his life, his fears. and he doesn't even know when it happens that they're dating.

one day, dean goes to the meadow (the one with a windmill) and says that he forgives cas that he's gone. and he will move on, but he will never stop loving him.

and then, they find a way. cas is back, unconscious in dean's bed. and dean stays with him all the time. phil understands.

cas wakes up, and there's a big hug. but before they have a chance to talk, phil comes in. dean introduces him to cas, saying it's his partner. and it breaks cas' heart.

cas knows there's no place for him in the bunker. maybe he never belonged here. he moves out to the small house, and he takes jack with him. but jack doesn't want to cut off from dean. they're still spending weekends together. and dean drives him to school. still doing lunchboxes.

cas and dean don't talk, avoiding each other. but dean asks jack about cas all the time, he wants to know, no, he needs to know how he's doing.

phil feels something’s wrong. he knows dean still loves cas. so, eventually, they split up. and there's no broken hearts or tears, they thank each other for this few months, accepting it as the best thing they can do.

but it doesn't mean dean immediately runs to cas. no, he needs to get his shit together. he decides to go to the AA meetings.

one time, jack leaves his backpack in impala, so dean takes it and goes to the house. cas opens the door. it's awkward, and when dean want to step back, cas invites him for coffee. he walks inside the house for the first time.

they start talking, and dean mentions he's attending to AA meetings. he says he's doing it for jack, and kinda for himself. cas is happy for him. dean chuckles that there should've been AA meetings for hunters, where they could talk also about all monster crap. and cas thinks it's a great idea, and dean should do this. even if it was just a joke first, dean starts considering this.

cas serves dean a pie, a cherry one - his favorite. dean's not sure if he deserves it, so cas starts eating it instead, saying how delicious it is. dean laughs and calls him asshole because angels don't even eat. they're fighting a little longer about the pie. and for a moment it's like nothing bad ever happened between them, it's like they had these silly movie nights when they were joking and teasing with each other, just enjoying the company. it feels like home.

weeks pass and it's better between them. dean stays on dinners a few times per week, mostly he's the one who's cooking (jack loves his lasagna). everything seems great, but then one evening, they have a fight. it starts from the stupid reason, but then cas' confession is on the table. dean yells: "you choose to left me!", and cas answers "i choose to save you", and then dean again: "how can you talk about saving me if it meant life without you?". cas is done, he whispers silent "i hate you". he regrets it, immediately. and when he looks at dean, he sees pain and terror on his face. “you don't mean it,” says dean, calmly this time and it's more like a question. like he's begging it's not true. cas shakes his head: “no, i don't. of course, i don't. i'm sorry, dean. i'm just... tired.”

and then everything happens fast because dean's tired too. he murmurs "screw this!", grabs cas by the lapel and presses his lips to his before he has even chance to react. cas freezes first, but a second later he melts into the kiss. he wraps his arms around dean's neck and kisess him back, slow and fondly.

"what was that?” asks cas, breathless. and dean grabs his hands, kisses his knuckles and looks into his eyes. “i'm done, cas. i'm done with tiptoeing around you, with hiding and pretending that I'm not crazy about you. fuck... i know you were hurt and maybe dissapointed that I wasn't waiting for you, but i'm here now, and i wont' leave you.”

and he finally says that he loves him. and there's happy ending for them after all.

yeah, this is a fic which lives rent free in my head. but i won't write it because i'm lazy.

[sinnabonka]

It’s cursed speculation time: worst case scenario

I’m drunk Chuck and this post is my design for the ending. Or, I am Gabe from “Mystery Spot” and i am here to teach you a lesson.

Disclaimer: I believe with my whole heart that nothing from this post is anywhere near what we are getting. It’s me being sarcastic. It’s a joke. I think I’m being hilarious, please don’t take it away from me. None of this should be taken seriously. On the opposite, the solemn goal of this post is to show that you should put all the negativity aside and stop worrying. We are up for a happy end!

You can check my opinion here and here.

About ep 19 here.

Light, camera aaaand action!

Cas is not coming back. He just isn’t. The best season arc ever written in Supernatural? Oh no, you are just seeing things again.

Has been to empty before, bounced back twice? Naaaah, this time it’s different. This time it’s for good. No further explanation, just take my word for it.

Regarding Dean. He is not feeling this way about Cas, he can’t reciprocate and he won’t, this was a strictly brotherly relationship for him all way long. The looks? The jokes? The prayer? The parallels with Cain and his wife, with Sam and Eileen, Charlie and Stevie? The despair every time he loses Cas? He’s just a flirty little drama queen, sweetie, and you are delusional.

Sure, he is brokenhearted by the loss of a friend, but never mentions to either Sam or Jack what has really happened in the bunker. Why? Castiel is gone, that’s enough. No reflection on the matter whatsoever, they won’t ever speak of him again.

Character development who? Dean is still an angry man with his rock music, his car and his daddy issues, with “DON’T DESERVE - DON’T CARE” tattooed on his knuckles.

Cas’ confession goes in vain, as well as his sacrifice. Dean doesn’t get the message.

Dean keeps the jacket on as a reminder how hard he fucked up with the whole kill Bill(y) idea. It’s the coal fueling his anger, you know, the only thing Dean Winchester knows.

There’s also guilt, caused by the idea that, at the end of the day, Dean is the reason Cas is dead. Silly angel puts another brick in the wall of his self-hatred. The wall so high he soon won’t need Falcon 9 to reach Mars.

Forgiveness? Redemption? Learning, discovering new things about himslef for at least the last five years? Uh-huh, thanks, but no thanks.

Jack who? Something definitely went wrong with Billy’s plan of taking Chuck out, but we just pretend it never happened. We need Jack to sacrifice himself somehow, for the only acceptable ending, so he simply goes supernova. Again. But this time doesn’t miss.

What about Ruby? What about “you made it loud”? What about Lucifer attempting to get out? “Last time it took all the archangels to cage me” anyone?

Just sweep it all under the rug and forget it ever happened, for god’s sake, it’s not like every second of the show has to actually mean something.

The issue of Jack dying is also never addressed ever again, it just was meant to end this way. No biggie. His troubled relationship with Dean? Their touching conversations with Cas and Sam? The character’s arc screaming “I’m perceived evil, but I don’t want to be” not finished? Come again?

The show is about family. The Winchester family. And following the logic of never ending brothers’ deathly ping pong, it all ends with one of them dying during the fight. To save the second one, of course.

Which one? Dean always throws scissor, so it’s kinda predestined.

How? Heroically, given his unhelthy and unhelpful tendency to put everyone but himslef first. He didn’t even have to die, we see it clearly later, it’s done just for the sake of the Winchesters early seasons dynamics. Dibs on dying first!

Bobby? Eileen? Charlie? Another twenty humans? Sorry, kinda forgot to write them back into the script after they’ve vanished.

Let’s say they are not dead, just away. That’s a happy thought, right?

Everyone we cared about for years is either dead or gone, monsters are still lurking under the kids’ beds, but at least God is dead. That’s a win!

Fifteen years, a few apocalypses, a handful of deathes - yet no reflection, no regret, no lessons learned. The message from the creators: no matter what’s the journey, you still end up where you begun.

The last Winchester takes Impala, salts and burns the dead, and finally drives back to Stanford, following the dream of finally doing law after the exhausting years of killing, being killed and all the side effects.

And to celebrate the beginning of his normal life, Sam hits a dog, for crying out loud.

Happy end!

[castielisourhero]

im so wary of making any predictions for cas this season given that we always get screwed as cas fans but for one tiny moment my little hope for him would be that he comes to a point where he forgives himself. i would love to see him gather his immense strength and use it to forgive himself bc after everything he's been thru these past 8 seasons he needs to know that he's worth that forgiveness on his own and doesn't need other people to validate him,,, the only person castiel needs to forgive is his own damn self.

[thebloggerbloggerfun]

@jellydeans: so are cas and jimmy novak just up in heaven existing at the same time @katebushstandean: #jimmy moves to heaven timbuku so that dean stops trying to make out with him every time they run into each other at the heaven grocery store

LINK

Thanks for letting me write this, guys!!

AO3  (2.1k)

The thing about Heaven was that it was whatever you wanted it to be, and most of its residents wanted it to be familiar.

Technically, Dean didn’t need to fill his car up on gas anymore, but there was still a gas station just down the street from where his new home was placed. He didn’t need to sleep, but he still had a large king-sized bed he made sure to make use of at least once a day. He didn’t need to eat, but there was a thriving supermarket that catered to whatever he was feeling like eating and always boasted the freshest ingredients for when he wanted to get a little fancy with his cooking.

Like today, for example.

Bobby had said he doubted Dean could make a proper souffle, so obviously Dean had to make the old man eat his words - and a souffle.

Dean stared at all of the different options of eggs, trying to decide if “free-range” vs. “organic” actually meant anything in Heaven, or if it was just meant to give him some sort of familiarity.

He grabbed the “free-range” option and moved on to the dairy.

There was movement out of the corner of his eye in the meat section across the way, and the way his heart stopped in his chest when he turned to look would have killed him if he wasn’t already dead.

It was Cas.

Cas, who Dean had spent every day thinking about since he’d left. Cas, who Dean had been trying to find ever since Bobby told him he was still around. Cas, who Dean still had unfinished business with.

He’d spend hours in bed, staring at the ceiling of his room and rehearsing just what he’d say when he saw him again, but in those scenarios Cas had shown up on his doorstep or in the passenger seat of his car where they could have a moment to just be .

He’d never been buying hamburger meat.

Dean rushed forward, cart forgotten, and skidded to a halt in front of Cas, just as he looked up in surprise.

“I love you -” Dean said in a rush, heart pounding, head reeling, “Of course I love you. You’re - fuck - you’re everything I could ever want and I’m - I’m so damn sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t have me, too.”

Cas blinked at him, and it was in that moment Dean realized something was wrong.

His expression, his hair, the way he moved, the way he was dressed - all of it was wrong.

None of it was Cas, he’d just been too overwhelmed to see it.

“Oh, uh... hey Dean,” Not-Cas said, and finished putting his selected meat in his basket, “I didn’t didn’t know that you died. Um, if you’re looking for Castiel -“

Dean turned and ran out of the store.

*

What were the fucking chances that in all of Heaven, he and Cas’s old vessel were neighbors?

Dean gunned the gas pedal on his car as he drove endlessly, trying to walk himself through what exactly had happened the day before.

Jimmy Novak was here.

Jimmy Novak who - last Dean checked - hated him.

Dean had just spewed his feelings all over him without even thinking about the possibility that he wasn’t Cas. He’d been wearing a sweater vest for crying out loud - but he was willing to forgive himself for that one because he didn’t really know how Cas would dress if he had the choice.

His hopes had soared so high when he’d seen the familiar figure, only to be dashed the moment Jimmy had opened his mouth. They sounded absolutely nothing alike - and Dean yearned for the deep gravel of Castiel’s greeting.

Dean’s grip on the wheel tightened.

Where was Cas?

Didn’t he know that there was nothing keeping them apart now?

In what could only be an act of fate smiling down on him, Dean zoomed around a corner near the Heavenly library, and instantly had to stomp on the brakes of the Impala as a trenchcoat-clad figure stepped into the previously empty crosswalk.

Old habits die hard - Dean was still going to brake for Heavenly pedestrians, especially ones that looked like Cas.

Cas turned to look at him, eyes wide, and Dean shoved the driver’s side door open in a panic. The trench coat was unmistakable this time.

“Cas! Cas - don’t go okay? I gotta -“

Cas shook his head sharply and let out a breath.

“No - Jesus Christ - it’s still me, you idiot.”

Dean gaped at him as his brain tried to catch up with the conflicting bits of information it was processing.

“...what?” He heard himself saying.

Had he just wanted it to be Cas so bad that he’d ignored all the signs?

Jimmy gestured at himself like it was enough of an explanation.

“Uh. Yeah.”

“But - but you’re wearing his trenchcoat! ” Dean said, waved at it like maybe Jimmy hadn’t realized he was walking around as the mockery of the angel who’d once shared a living space with him.

Jimmy placed an affronted hand on his own chest.

“It was my trenchcoat!”

Frustration boiled inside of him and Dean quickly slid back into the car and slammed the door shut behind him.

He sped off, once again running from what could have been.

*

Dean was sulking under a pile of blankets in his bed when there was a knock at his door.

He ignored it.

After a few moments of silence, the knocking came again, louder and more insistent this time.

Grumbling to himself, Dean threw the blankets off and trudged down the stairs, flinging open the door with a scowl.

A person with nearly combed hair was standing on the doorstep holding a six-pack of beer in one hand and had a sticker on his shirt that said, ‘Hello, my name is Jimmy’.

“Very funny.” Dean said flatly.

“It’s not funny. It’s just in case you try to kiss me or something.” Jimmy held up the six-pack expectantly. “Can I come in?”

Dean didn’t appreciate the ribbing, but he didn’t mind the beer.

And after accosting him twice he might as well let the guy do what he wanted.

“Yeah, whatever.” Dean grumbled and left the door open as he walked back inside and flopped onto his couch. “Why are you here? Don’t you hate me?”

Jimmy hummed as he set the beer down on the coffee table and took a seat opposite Dean.

“I don’t not hate you.” He said with a shrug. “But last time we talked you were trying to convince me to chain myself to a comet again and I can’t say I appreciated it.”

Dean grunted in acknowledgment.

“I’ve been in heaven for a while now. It’s nice here. I take a yoga class with my wife.” Jimmy smiled at him. “I think I’m in a much better mental space now to consider liking you, especially if we’re going to be neighbors.”

Dean winced.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to like Jimmy, it was just… that was Cas’s face. It wasn’t , but it was. Was he really going to have to be constantly taunted with it?

“Look man - I’m sorry about - you know. That.” Dean waved a hand in the air generally. “But you don’t have to do all this. I’ll stop harassing you.”

“That would be nice,” Jimmy said, opening one of the cans and taking a swig, “So, considering the things you’ve said to me, I take it he finally told you he loved you?”

Dean paused, still raw every time he thought about it.

“You knew?”

Jimmy smirked.

“That angel’s love for you permeated both of our beings so potently I’m amazed I don’t love you.” Jimmy said, like it was the kind of fact you could drop casually. “Though even I will admit, as a happily married heterosexual man, that having a man as handsome as you proclaim your love to me in the middle of a grocery store was very exciting.”

Dean dropped his head into his hands and groaned loudly.

“Don’t beat yourself up over it,” Jimmy said, “That first one was pretty good. I’m sure he’s going to love it.”

“He’s never gonna hear it.” Dean muttered.

“Sure he will. You’ve already practiced it twice.”

“I can’t find him!” Dean said, and looked back up, “He’s here somewhere, and I can’t find him. It’s killing me.”

Jimmy held out a beer can.

“Good thing you’re already dead.”

Begrudgingly, Dean accepted the beer and opened it.

“I just. . . I just wanna see him again.” Dean took a long drink. “I want to talk to him. Tell him everything. Share everything. If he wants that.”

Dean let out a long breath, expecting Jimmy to interject with a quip.

He looked over at him when nothing happened, and Jimmy was smiling at him in a way that Dean could only describe as ‘fond’.

“What?” Dean said, indignantly.

“Nothing.” Jimmy said innocently. “You’re just not what I expected.”

Dean looked away.

“Anyway, you asked why I’m here,” Jimmy took another drink, “I’ve seen Castiel.”

“What?” Dean jumped to his feet, beer can dropped to the floor and forgotten about. “Why didn’t you lead with that?”

“I’m an enigma,” Jimmy shrugged a shoulder and leaned back against the plush chair, “Anyway, I wanted to let you know as someone who has literally been in Castiel’s head - I'm pretty sure I know the reason he’s not showing himself to you.”

“Well, fucking spill.”

Jimmy paused.

“Why do you love him?”

Of all the things Dean had been expecting Jimmy to say - this wasn’t it.

Dean sat back down.

“Why?” He asked, a little breathless. “Why does it matter?”

Jimmy shrugged again.

“I guess -” Dean said, trying to unspool his emotions from the knot they’d made in his heart, “He’s - he’s Cas. He cares . . . so much about everyone and - and he’s selfless and kind and he fucking saved me in more ways than just one. He’s always been there for me and Sam and he’s just… he’s just. He’s just good . I’ll never deserve him, but I want to try.”

Dean sucked in a deep breath.

“He pulls me away from the edge, man. I just love him.”

Jimmy nodded once, set down his beer can, and in a bizarre turn of events, began yelling at Dean’s ceiling.

“Did you hear that, Castiel? Not one goddamn thing about how you look! Nothing about me or my vessel!”

Dean stared, dumbfounded.

“Wh-”

“He doesn’t care what you look like! Can you please just come talk to him so I can stop playing marriage counselor for you two?”

Care how he - what?  

What was happening?

Before Dean could fully compile all of the new information, there was a hesitant knock at the front door.

Dean whipped his head towards Jimmy, who was smiling in satisfaction.

Nearly tripping over himself, Dean rushed to the door faster than he’d rushed towards anything in his life, and swung it open.

In front of him was the wavelength of celestial intent that Dean had always known existed inside of the vessel of Jimmy Novak - the glint of angelic creation he’d caught glimpses of in the glow of his eyes and in his healing touch. The being was massive and stretched high into the sky with what was (maybe three? four??) pairs of wings scraping the clouds even further above everything. He was flaming rings and rotating divine faces that Dean could barely comprehend - he was raw power and all-knowing eyes.

On the front of his form was a sticker that read, ‘Hello, my name is Castiel’.  

“. . . Hello Dean.” The voice rumbled through the air like thunder.

“Cas?” Dean said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“I - yes. I’m sorry. I lost my vessel to the Empty - this was the only way -”

“I love you, too.”

The rotating faces on the form towering above him froze in place.

“I do! I love you, Cas. Okay? You didn’t let me say it back before - and if I’ve ever made you feel like I couldn’t love you back, I’m so fucking sorry. You deserve better.”

“. . . you love me?”

Dean nodded, his heart clenching at the disbelief he could hear in Cas’s voice.

“ Even as this?”

“You’ve always been this.” Dean swallowed. “I fell in love with the angel, not the vessel.”

“Dean. . .”

Dean smiled up at him in understanding.

“Just a shame that we’ll have to get a bigger house.”

“Oh I can -”

And as Dean looked on, Castiel began to shrink. The form didn’t change - he was still as striking as he’d been the first time with his wings and halos and faces still firmly in place - but he was now maybe one foot taller than Dean instead of one hundred.

“- make myself more manageable.”

Dean grinned and took a step forward, giddy and thrilled that this was finally, actually happening

He reached up, resting a hand on one of the divine faces.

“Bite-sized.” He murmured fondly.

Jimmy’s voice cut through the moment from somewhere behind them.

“Just so you two know - I. Am. Moving!”

[supernaturallyobsessedchic]

Dean Winchester One Shots

(*Some miniseries will be in here since they started out as one shots...)

Demon Drama - Dean’s pushing her away. She loves him, and wants him to know that. But the Mark of Cain makes things difficult. Can she get through to the older Winchester?

Junkie - Dean’s a demon, and the reader just wants to be the best hunter there is. Demon Dean knows the fix for that.

An Angel Learning - The reader wants Dean back. Michael knows it, and knows what both want. But, when Dark Kaia comes knocking and tries ending Michaels plans, the reader has something growing inside her, that follows her in a new life.

My Arms (Song Fic) - After a rough hunt, the reader sings a song to remind Team Free Will, that it will all be fine if they leave their worries and stress behind, relax now. Worry later.

Whisky Lullaby (Song Fic) - Dean’s lost his family. He turns to drink to end his pain. His heaven makes it all worth it.

Soulless - The reader has feelings for Dean, but doesn’t know how to tell him. But when he brings home a girl, it hurts the reader to the point she does something drastic. Can Dean fix his mistake?

Comfort - After a rough hunt, Dean seeks the comfort of his girlfriend the reader.

Death Sentence - A classic, Dean being pissed about the readers safety. The reader risking her life for the man she loves.

Goner - The reader has had feelings for Dean for a while. Feelings are realized in this story, after a day of pranking gone wrong when Sam pranks Dean into thinking the reader trashed his car. Or, did he have it planned all along?

Our Work Never Ends - Years in the future, turns out Dean had a daughter with Cassie, and the daughter of a victim once saved by Sam Winchester are out looking for them. The hunter’s life sucks them in when they discover the bunker, and a certain archangel released from the Empty causing chaos and mayhem. It’s up to the Winchester’s to save the world, once again.

Still Hurts - The reader is in Supernatural, but things are still moving on in her other world. Makes things more difficult for the reader.

Fur Babies - A special fic, one where the reader’s childhood dog passes away. Dean does the sweetest thing to help her feel better.

Save Him - Sam and Dean go on one last hunt. But just before the older Winchester can accept his fate, his little brother fights for him one last time.

Firsts - Dean and the reader try something on their date night.

More Dean - Dean is very active and shows his girl love in every way possible.

The Birthday Boy - The reader plans out a whole day just for Dean’s birthday.

It would have been your Birthday - It would have been Dean’s birthday, but Jack has a surprise up his sleeves.

What I’ve Done - A “sort of” a episode rewrite of Supernatural episode “Inherit the Earth.” (15x19), Chuck has control of the reader.

Not You - A witch hunt goes sideways when Dean is under a mind control spell. The reader tells Dean the importance of forgiving himself.

Better this Way - Dean pushed her away. Maybe it was for the best.

You’re Not a Monster -  Dean discovers something different with the reader and it changes their relationship. Is there anything worth saving after Dean learns the truth.

Crash Project - College!AU,  The Reader’s priorities are a little messed up, when Dean and the Reader are paired for a project, Dean picks up on changes in the readers appearance.

You Belong with Me -  Dean and the reader are heading back to the bunker from their hunt, just them. After some close calls, they’re a little shaken up. But a storm makes it impossible for Dean to keep going, so he has to pull over and wait for the storm to pass.

Sick and Empty -  The reader returns from her universe, feeling empty and dead inside. Dean does everything he can to bring her back to life.

Someone Needs a Hug -  Dean is having a bad day. And starts pushing the reader away. He learns how much a hug can help put him back together.

Anything for my Girl - The reader tries drinking, Dean may have gone over kill with the type of alcohol the reader tries. So, he takes care of her hangover the morning after.

Forevermore -  It’s Dean and the readers wedding day. And she can’t help but remember all of the days and moments Dean has won her over.

You Feel Safe -  After a trying hunt the reader comes home, exhausted and feeling less than. Dean helps takes her mind off of things.

Sharing is Caring -  Dean and the reader are on a hunt, and while on the long drive back Dean checks into a motel that only has one room left with one bed. And the reader learns that sharing isn’t all bad, especially when your walls have weakened and need to be held together by a pair of strong arms and glued back by true and encouraging words.

Turn -  A hunt goes sideways for the reader and she’s bitten by a rare alpha, not all alphas have this ability and she is turned into a wolf. She tries adjusting to being a wolf and a hunter with Dean Winchester, an alpha of his own pack.

Turn Part 2 -  Sam tells her what really happened to them. But reveals something else she was not prepared for.

You’re It -  Mecahnic!AU, Her life is falling apart around her. So she heads to her hometown to start fresh. But is she ready to take on what awaits her in Lawrence Kansas.

Love Hurts -  Dean had a rough hunt that brought up some old memories. But when the reader doesn’t give him the chance to explain things go from bad to worse for the couple. (requested)

He Obviously Cares - The reader just went through a break up, Dean, Cas and Sam try to lift her spirits up and remind her she deserves to be happy. Maybe she should find someone who obviously cares.

A Whole New World -   Everyone’s dynamic has changed. But a new threat looms over the Winchester’s and Jack wants to come up with an easy way to really ensure everyone is safe.

~

[villiansareneat]

Repentance

Mini-Fic, written back in 2021

Dabi / Touya centric fic

ca. 1200 words

The League of villains had fallen, and hero society had crumbled to ashes, trapped in a hurricane of fire their broken children made. But, after five years in Tartarus, the “how” didn’t matter to him anymore.

Five years, saying that was easy, it was quick as a match. But those five years were 1825 days that passed slowly, days of solitude that gave his past self more than enough time to catch up to him. 1825 that gave his therapist more than enough time to get him to reflect on his actions, to get him in touch with the emotions he had learnt to shut down. To get him back on his feet. It wasn't forced, there were no mind quirks involved, it wasn’t easy either. Touya Todoroki accepted the help because, with Enji’s reputation in shambles, with the commission undergoing reform and the world of heroes changed forever, he had no need for Dabi. The false heroes were falling, sliding in the blood it costed, he didn’t need that anymore.

It took 400 hundred days for Touya Todoroki to be allowed a letter. He wrote to Natsuo, he wrote to the brother he had once been close to, he didn’t ask for forgiveness, he didn’t think he deserved it. He wrote, and wrote, and explained himself without trying to justify himself, just as his therapist had taught him. He said “I’m sorry for the pain I brought you”, he didn’t say “forgive me”.

He wrote to Natsuo, but in that letter he also wrote to his sister and the little brother who was the other side of that broken coin, he wrote to the mother who had recently been let out of institutionalization now that it was clear she didn’t need it anymore, now that Enji Todoroki couldn’t keep using his influence to keep his secrets and misdeeds hidden in the dark.

He wrote to Natsuo expecting no answer, but his siblings had always been kinder than him, especially the white haired boy he had spent his childhood playing and crying with.

Natsuo wanted to be a doctor, Fuyumi wanted to be a teacher, because of course they would want to help people, to give others solace. Shoto had decided to keep studying in UA, to keep going on his hero career, but he had also told his siblings that maybe, one day, he would leave the fighting behind and focus on being a social worker. The fact that they were all so kind to a world that had done nothing for them almost pissed Touya off, and it took a few sessions to work through said issue.

At 500 days, he was allowed a phone call a month. That was much faster than the average Tartarus intern. Three years into his fifteen year sentence, Touya was allowed to talk to his siblings and mother through video.

Shoto was already an adult by then, and that made him truly realize how much time had passed. His mother looked older, but so much happier than the last time he had seen her. Half a year later, his family got permission to send him books, as long as the authorities approved of them. Shoto and him had the same taste in literature.

Five years into his sentence, Touya Todorki’s conduct was exemplary. Not a fight, not an issue. Recovery was slow and painful, it wasn’t linnear, but the therapists at Tartarus were more than happy with his advances. Now that Dabi was gone for good, Touya was allowed to get transferred to a different prison, to one that would allow him to see the sun, to one that would allow him visitors and trade education. He was deemed ready to start a more complete reinsertion program, he looked like the perfect candidate for it.

But paperwork was slow, and evaluations were thorough. So, after informing his family of the transfer possibility, he had to wait almost another year for it to happen.

Sunshine felt weird on his skin. Almost six years without using his quirk, almost six years of appropriate medical treatment had rendered the staples a thing of the past and the scarring much lighter. Touya would never have perfect skin and he didn’t care about it either, but getting rid of the chronic pain it had caused him was, without a doubt, a big factor in bettering his mental stability.

The day Touya Todoroki felt the wind again before getting on the transport, security had to be enhanced, and the same thing happened at his destination. The peace sunlight brought, made the shouting quieter. Not everyone was happy with Dabi leaving Tartarus, and he couldn’t expect a different thing, 30 broken families, 30 corpses in his path to changing the world, 30 groups of friends and relatives that deserved the chance to shout at him and let him realize the pain he had brought upon them in his attempt to stop the cause of his own. Sunlight made it quieter, but it didn’t shout them out.

“Tell them I’m sorry”, he told Natsuo and Shoto on their first visit. “I know it doesn’t change anything, but… Would you?”

“I’ll take care of it, Touya.”, Shoto promised.

It was hard to believe that the 22 year old in front of him was the same kid that had taken him down once. The kid who defeated Dabi and saved Touya.

He was proud of him, proud of how smart and strong he was, proud of how he had changed the world. How he had campaigned for second chances, for background checks on heroes, for all the things that were making the world a better place, a place where a new Endeavour would have it difficult to exist.

Second chances weren’t a thing on his first day in jail, and now he was 3401 days away from his own. Maybe 1576 if he kept his conduct good, if the world showed him a mercy he had not shown several years before.

Was that redemption? He didn’t know, he didn’t even like that word. He had repented, he had learnt, he had paid with time for the pain he had caused. He had acted as the perfect inmate, not in search of a better sentence, but for the privileges good conduct brought with it, for that last chance at reconciliation with the family he had filled with scars.

Touya Todoroki walked out of jail at the age of 37, twelve years after he had entered, because the world thought ten to be too little and fifteen too much after the man he had become. He participated in the rehabilitation of others, he never got in a fight after the first month in Tartarus. Touya’s fire had stopped burning with hate the moment news of Enji’s demise reached his ears, he had become an empty vessel for months, he had a difficult time on the first weeks of therapy until he started to truly cooperate, 400 days to send a letter, 4383 days to walk out of jail as a free man.

4383 to start a new life with the family that had taken him back.

[agusvedder]

How season 11 outlined the romantic endgames.

I understand fear of disappointment, I understand, believe me. But this season (along with all the Dabb and Carver era) pointed out perfectly and outlined the romantic endgames for our boys, and the obstacles.

Endgames? Found family, Sam with Eileen, Dean with Cas. Freedom. Peace. 

Obstacles? Their own inhability of moving on, of changing, of acknowledging traumas and pain, and healing. Chuck.

As I pointed out on a different post about Season’s 13 THE ROAD SO FAR, they decided to use “Nothing else matters” to start the whole season. In the moment Hetfield sings “Forever trust in who we are” we see Sam hugging Eileen and Dean hugging Cas. 

Ring any bells?

I think that speaks for itself. At that specific moment of the show Eileen was dead, and Cas too. 

Why would they ‘show us Eileen in season 13′s opening if they didn’t plan on bringing her back later? Same with Cas?

(Eileen was gone until the last minute of episode 19, that Jack bring her, and everybody, back...)

FOREVER TRUST IN WHO WE ARE.

Forever is just the future word for ALWAYS. 

They were ALWAYS real. Always. 

(btw, I will NEVER stop talking about that road so far cause I love Metallica and ir brings me to tears)

On a season where the most important thing is what’s real and what’s not they decided to canonize both couples. Bring Eileen back from the dead, finally use Cas’s empty plot to show us that his happiness is loving Dean inconditionally. 

An amazing example of how Season 11 outlined the endgames is one of my favorites: “Into The Mystic”. They introduced Eileen on an episode where Castiel was possessed by Lucifer, pretending to be Cas to talk to Dean. 

Too many bells, halp.-

(HEHEHE! pain is my middle name) 

In that episode we meet Sam Winchester’s perfect woman, badass, smart,  planning to go to law school, lost her parents when she was a baby too, and she’s a MOL legacy. 

(Dude, first episode with her! THOSE HEART EYES!)

But this . . . this. 

Ring another bell?

“What the hell are you talking about, man?”

(That’s what I thought you’d say, you dumb fucking Dean)

At the end of the episode, Dean was left with a burning desire of following his heart and the pressing matter that he’s pining for someone (who’s not Amara, like he said in that same episode, he’s not in love with her), and we see Sam saving a pamphlet of the retirement home, showing us he still sees that light at the end of the tunnel. 

It’s made clear Dean was frustrated by the whole Amara situation but also seeing Cas not giving a fuck about it, not feeling the slight sign of jealousy, saying his bond with Amara is a good thing that can help them draw her out aka using him as bait.

In the end of this very same episode Sam apologizes to Dean for not searching for him when he was in purgatory (4 years later!!) and Dean shrugs him off cause that’s not really important for him anymore. What’s important for both of them is what happened during purgatory. Dean searched for Cas inceasently, praying to him every night, refusing to leave without him, and willing to die to get him out of there. In that very same moment, Sam gave up hunting to stay with the woman he loved (and a dog!!). He literally gave up, he wanted retirement. The same thing Mildred talked about with Dean in Into The Mystic. Just like Dean wanted it on season 13′s finale. 

To be honest, we can clearly see how Sam was certain of what he wanted for his future way before Dean did. That’s why he stayed with Amelia in season 8, that’s why he asked his brother 7 episodes before meeting Eileen if he ever thought about settling down with “someone who gets the life”. why he tried to give his number to “Piper” on that same episode. He’s been ready for settling down with someone for years now. And now he has his finally ever after with Eileen cause Chuck’s finally out the board.

Dean on the other side is so repressed with his feelings and wants that well, he cannot allow himself to let the sun shine on his face, and finally “Being”... finally “Say It”. 

What convinces me that Cas is coming back for a last episode, is that he’s the first step for Dean to accept what he wants for his future, he’s the only one who’s left for Dean to take the decision of being finally happy. He’s a constant in Dean’s life, and Dean loves Cas just as much as Cas loves Dean. He cannot function without Cas. He’s been forever saved and changed thanks to him. 

Also because he fucking deserve to end up with the man he loves so fully.

Dean’s arc is still open, Cas’s too. Sam’s not. He already have what he wanted, he can finally retire and be with the woman he love.

---

The whole plot of season 11 is connected directly to season 15. Amara, Cas’s depression and the look for his own faith/sense of purpose, Dean’s romantic conflict with Cas (He literally’s been screaming “Cas” the whole fucking season), Sam in look for what’s real and not, thinking he was talking to God when he was being manipulated by Lucifer (The gun wound that connected him to God, the visions, The Devil In The Details, a very very important episode for Sammy’s overall story), Rowena’s redeption arc, Chuck revealing he’s God. Don’t Call Me Shurley. Billie and the Empty being introduced into the storyline! 

I invite you guys to watch Dabb’s era again, it’s a plethora of unanswered questions (who finally found it’s answers this season), search for the sense of self, purpose, beating depression, redemption arcs for the villains, forgiveness. Family. Family. FAMILY. FA M I L Y .

[seenthisepisode]

"What... What broke the connection?", Dean asks and Castiel is speechless.

He knows. He knows, he knows, he knows; he can't name it though. He is still way too new at this, he is still too overwhelmed, and he still doesn't know what is going on.

"I don't know", he stutters eventually, and disappears before they have a chance to begin a real conversation. He rests his forehead on the bus' window and he does something angels aren't allowed to do.

He daydreams.

*

“I am sorry I kicked you out of the bunker”, Dean says, and it looks like he truly is sorry and feels bad and Castiel wants to brush it off and forgive him; no, actually Castiel would gladly pretend it never ever happened.

But there is something bitter in his mouth. He wants to scream at Dean, because he is hurt, because the one person he would bet everything on, that one person betrayed him when he was at his lowest. Castiel feels sick but in a twisted way he understands. There was never anything more important to Dean than Sam. And it was never Dean’s choice or fault. 

And it’s a whole conversation they should have, or at least Dean should have with someone, and Cas wants to talk to Dean, to really get to speak with him,  but something stops him. 

“It’s okay”, he manages to say eventually, “You were stupid for the right reasons.”.

*

"I love you. I love all of you", Cas says, bleeding out and dying in that barn.

Cas, don't you dare die on me, not like that, not so sudden, not like... Just don't, it can't be happening, it's not how this ends, not before you know, not before you know how much you mean to me- to all of us, Cas just please, don't, I promise, I swear, I will be better, and I will find a good, no, I will find the best moment to finally say what you deserve to hear, but just. Don't die. God, please don't let him die-

The sound of Crowley breaking the spear in two brings Dean back to reality. Cas is alive and okay again. Dean lets out a deep breath. He still has time.

He feels like Desmond in that show he used to watch in the motel rooms years ago. He finally understands the relief he felt when the hieroglyphs turned into 0:01 once again.

*

"Cas, you just gave up entire army for one guy", Dean says, jokingly, but this is not a joke. Castiel doesn't know what to say again.

When Hannah gave him a choice, the words came easily.

"No", he said when he chose Dean, again. But now? He doesn't know what to say.

Yes. I chose you over an army of angels. I would always choose you over Heaven. 

But he knows, for some reason, that these words are tricky. They could potentially lead to another conversation. And he wasn't ready for it.

*

"What about all of this is real?!", Dean yells, angry, so angry, and he takes that anger out on the wrong person, again, and he knows it, and he hates it, but the words just come out of his mouth

(why the other words, good words never do?)

and he is even more angry at himself, at God, at his father, at everything, because his life? Was never his to begin with, it belonged to others and he had no say in anything. He just had to play the part.

So he takes it out on the only person who sees through that anger.

And Castiel takes it, as always.

"We are", Cas says bitterly as he leaves the room. Even though Castiel was an angel, he was far better with words than Dean is ever going to be. Dean wants to scream but he is speechless.

*

"And why, when something goes wrong, it always seems to be you", Dean says it and Castiel suspects that he regretted it instantly, because he knows him, but the words hurt like a bitch anyway. Dean feels dead inside (was he ever truly alive? what does it even mean?) and everything's wrong.

So he takes it out on Cas again. He hates it but he does it anyway.

The look on Castiel's face makes Dean want to go back to hell, because this guilt is worse than hell, hell was easy in a way, this? This is complicated and delicate.

"I think it's time for me to move on", Cas says slowly and rightfully so, and Dean wants to scream, to beg him to stay, to fall to his knees and beg, pray, for forgiveness, but he can't speak. The words are stuck, and he is stuck, and the world seems to have stopped turning. But it still does, and Cas is gone.

*

"I love you", Cas says again and Dean's brain can't respond. "Goodbye, Dean".

Those last words echo in Dean's mind for days, weeks, months. Years. He hears them when he is awake and he hears them in his dreams.

In his dreams he doesn't stay silent. In his dreams he pushes through whatever was holding him back, and he speaks. He finds his voice and he says, he finally says what he wanted to say since what feels like forever.

He says "I love you, too, and I am sorry. I am sorry for everything. But it can't- it won't end like this".

In his dreams he finally asks Cas to stay.

In his dreams he kisses him.

The Empty always takes Cas anyway.

These unspoken words are always with him, wherever he is. They are with him when he aimlessly drives the Impala through the States. They are with him when he finally finds Castiel in the Empty and drags him back to Earth, back to life.

As he holds on to the angel, he finally lets these unspoken words out. Everything he never said, I want you to stay, I want you, he whispers frantically as he kisses Castiel's face, Please never ever leave me again, he says as he presses his forehead to Castiel's. I will do better, he promises, as he holds Cas as close as he can, I will be all that you want and thought you couldn't have. And more, he promises. 

And he keeps that promise. 

And Cas is happy. They both are.

______________________

@emeraldcas  , we don’t talk a lot but I saw your prompt for today (words unspoken) and I was like. THIS is the reason why I was listening to Precious by Depeche Mode all day. So. please accept this humble ficlet that your prompt inspired. Ily and congrats on 1k followers!!!!!

[inacatastrophicmind]

Hi I went through few cons and I actually got my heart broken a little bit. Every one of them had Jensen denying the idea of Destiel or Dean being anything but the American male fantasy.

Vancon 2012 J2 panel he avoids the fan who is screaming Destiel. I understand that because he was going through something Misha shaped during 2012. Destiel was the last thing he wanted in his life then.

The controversial NJCon 2013 where he pretty much rudely avoids the Bi Dean question. I mean come on there were so many ways to back down there but just giving into that crowd like that and shooting down that girl who asked the question? I know she actually explained what happened there but he is saying things to convey he is unhappy where that question is heading. JP who is considered the immature even is considering answering the question the girl is continuously apologising it is a horror show there while Jensen is just being plain rude.

Jib 2014 solo panel where he is asked if Dean will ever get his pie. And he denies Cas ever being there at the end of the line. And ironically at the end, he was only there with all kinds of pie but no Cas. Amazing how life worked out for him.

Jib 2015 solo panel where he again denies both CasDean and Destiel from Fan Fiction episode. JPad was not there and Jensen was in a bad mood so maybe it had something to do with that.

Chicon 2016 he again invalidates Cas when a question is asked about him Cas and Mary.

TorCon 2016 where both Js are denying Cas's importance saying there's no necessity for him.

JaxCon 2017 he pretty much shoots down Destiel by saying Destiel doesn't exist.

In JaxCon 2018 he wrote NO infront of Bi Dean research paper a fan showed him.

Jibcon 2019 he asks audience Where does Destiel exist. but I think he was much like teasing the audience there tbh. No major harm but it still hurts.

I just.. I truly believe he knows what he and Misha were doing in the Destiel implied scenes. And now the cat is pretty much out of the bag. But still Jensen is pretty much staying on his ground and it is nice he is now more open for interpretation but the strength this fandom should have to forgive him for all he did...

I believe in Karma. I think Karma got to Jensen eventually for all hurt he did by those words to the fandom. I don't hate Jensen in fact I really adore the guy. But it doesn't mean I am not upset by his words. How I think Karma worked here is that he never embraced what he was portraying as a character and Karma finally said "Okay Dude enough foreplay.. You want pie okay here's pie and your car now die and be in heaven and your character arc is in garbage but your brother gets to live. There goes your male fantasy.."

I understand if he had internalized sexuality issues of himself that he didn't feel like exposing by talking about Dean and Destiel but still there are much better ways to shoot down fan opinions without being so rude.

In 2014 he pretty much says that at the end of the series Dean might get all kinds of pie with no Castiel and...Geez Is it not what exactly happened? No Cas and Pie on his face. Accidental foreshadowing spoilers..

I think he got Karma for hurting so many fan hearts and denying something he evidently portrayed in his character. At the end he didn't get a happy ending he got robbed by his own show. While the shippers actually got something out of it Thanks to Misha.

I don't need Jensen to embrace Destiel in an open hug because not in any universe that's gonna happen. I actually hoped he would eventually be open to it. He actually might be, considering his reaction to episode 18. But there's no proof actually footage of him saying anything positive about Destiel. It just... is such a bummer.

I know Jensen is hurt for his own reasons by his own show which actually hurt him in ways no fan ever did. I hope he understands how fans feel now being betrayed by a show they love.

May be he had the Karma coming..

In the past, Jensen hasn't been Destiel's biggest fan, and that's something that has always bothered me. Not because I didn't respect that he didn't like Destiel, but because every time Destiel was brought up, he was kind of rude. The same thing happened with anyone mentioned Dean being bi. It sucked and hurt because he could have handled it better. He could have easily said "I don't see Destiel/Dean as bi, but it's okay if you do". It's just that simple.

I don't know why Jensen was so rude about Destiel or bi!Dean. I don't know if it was of something personal or because certain fans were rude to him when they brought up Destiel and bi!Dean, or if he was scared that Dean would change if Destiel happened, because society and media think that anyone who belongs to the LGBTQIA+ community's personality is just their sexuality and gender and nothing else, so maybe Jensen was afraid that Dean would just become a character that was bi and that everything else that Dean was would disappear. Or maybe it had to do with the fact that he grew up in Texas, which isn't the most liberal place. It could be anything.

However, since they started filming s15 and when he found out about Cas' confesion, he has been really supportive about Destiel. He might not be as vocal and supportive as Misha is, but you can see the change. And that's important. Even at a JIBcon, (I can't remember which one), after he haid said something negative about Destiel the previous year, he apologized. He knows how important Destiel is for a lot of us. And he has learnt from his past behavior. Even if he doesn't fully support it, he now knows that it means a lot to a lot of people and he isn't rude about it anymore and he respects it.

Also, I should mention that in most cons, all the panels that involve either Jensen, Misha and/or J*red are moderated, and 90% of them forbid Destiel questions. So I don't know what the cons organizers tell the actors to say when Destiel is brought up, or if anyone from the network forbids them to talk about it, but unfortunately, Destiel has been considered a taboo topic by TPTB, and that might have also affected on the way Jensen reacted any time Destiel or bi!Dean was mentioned. Although I still think he should have handled it better, but at least, he now seems to be on good terms with the topics, and as I mentioned above, that's really important.

As for the Cas thing, about how both Jensen and J*red always joked how he didn't matter, it's a joke that's been going for too long, and that's all it is. They have taken it way too far, especially J*red, because most of the times, when Jensen is talking without J*red by his side, he always brings up Cas and how important he is. Just look at some of the interviews he has done over the years.

With that said, I think you're being mean about the whole karma thing. What the writers did to Dean was just the writers being shitty writers. They wrote a whole season with the only goal of killing Dean. After Dean has finally found the will to live, after he is finally able to live on his own terms, the writers decided that killing him was a good way to end the story. That's not karma; that's bad storytelling.

And just because Jensen didn't handle Destiel or bi!Dean in a good way, it doesn't mean that he deserved to have Dean treated like shit. And I think that what you're suggesting is actually quite mean.

Jensen might have made mistakes in the past regarding Destiel and bi!Dean, but he seems to have grown and realized that he can't be that rude. It's not hard at all to accept that people love Destiel and bi!Dean, even if he doesn't. And he has gotten there. So accept that and don't be mean.

[and-stir-the-stars]

elaborating on my twisted casifer au post

Cas tries watching the shows and movies he and Luci watched together so he can feel closer to him, only to find out that Lucifer changed the plots/jokes so he could more easily bring up conversations he could manipulate Cas with. Cas gets so upset because that tie to Lucifer is gone. 

But then. Then. Sam starts another conversation with Cas about how he gets what the angel is going through and Cas suddenly realizes that Sam is another tie to Lucifer. He can see the little remnants of Lucifer’s Grace inside Sam and Sam is Lucifer’s one true vessel. So Cas starts initiating little touches; he’ll make their hands “accidentally” brush together when they’re reaching for books, he’ll sit/stand closer to Sam than he’s done with either of them since they got Cas back, he’ll ask for help straightening his tie and collar. 

And I saw a sastiel post once about how Lucifer maybe payed more attention to Sam when he was still pretending to be Cas, and I think that happened in this universe, too. So Sam actually isn’t all that comfortable with being around Cas anymore, especially with touching Cas, but he doesn’t wanna say anything about it because he thinks this is progress and Cas is slowly coming out of himself. Meanwhile, Cas can tell that Sam is uncomfortable with the touching but he can’t bring himself to stop because the mixed signals of “i don’t wanna be around you but I’m doing it anyway for reasons you’re not sure of” remind him so much of Lucifer. And then one day Cas slips and he calls Sam Lucifer while trying to curl up next to him.

And Sam is crushed. This is his best friend, this is the guy who told him the angels were wrong when they called him an abomination. This is his friend who has always taken his side and tried to convince him that being Lucifer’s vessel doesn’t make him evil and it doesn’t make him like Lucifer, but now Cas looks at him and that’s what he sees? He sees the devil? 

Sam and Dean try to sit Cas down and say that Lucifer is gone; that’s not Lucifer, that’s just Sam. 

But Cas already knows that. That’s the whole problem. He doesn’t want it to be Sam, he wants it to be Lucifer because it took so much less effort to convince himself that Lucifer cared about him than it did to convince himself Sam and Dean did. 

And the thing is, it’s not even because Lucifer was that great of a liar. Literally the reason Cas is so fucked up is because he thought he was one step away from dying and having the world grant him forgiveness and redemption, and because of that, Cas was at peace with himself for the first time in a long time. Cas finally starting to accept himself was the reason it was so easy to believe that he deserved love and that Lucifer was providing it for him. But Cas didn’t die. The world didn’t give him peace in death, it left him alive to continue to suffer. So it’s not Lucifer that Cas misses, not really, it’s being able to believe that salvation is right around the corner and that he deserves it. It isn’t Lucifer he misses, it’s the situation. And now that Cas knows he doesn’t deserve to end it all and die, he knows he never will. He will never be in the situation where he thinks he’s about to die and earn redemption because the world just proved to him that he isn’t worthy. But Cas can’t believe that his situation is so hopeless so he pretends that it was Lucifer that made him feel loved all along. Because at least there’s remnants of Lucifer around, and people come back from the dead all the time. So as long as Lucifer is what made him feel loved instead of the situation he was in, there’s a chance he can be loved again. 

[wormstacheangel]

What are the best episodes with Castiel to watch?

Hello! Sorry, this took me a while to answer but here you go! If I miss some it’s cause I don’t remember anything or I was just Bleh about it.

Castiel Epiosdes

4x01 ICONIC 

4x16 ICONIC

4x20 Jimmy is important to Cas and I love him. 

4x22 ICONIC Greenroom. Cas picks a side aka Dean.

5x03 Cas and Dean being friends! Gay panic is real my friends. 

5x04 THE END. “It's the end, baby. “

5x13 “Sam is my friend.” 

5x14 Cupid (He made a cameo video it was cute) and Cas eating raw meat off the floor.

5x16 “You son of a bitch! I believed in-” OWW

5x17 Drunk Cas.

5x18 At this point he’s just done with everything. So he just carves, YES CARVES, an angel banishing sigil into his own chest. He does not hesitate.

Season 6 is good for Cas because the whole time he’s apart of a civil war and is just a terrible liar.

6x06 I am trying not to make this list about Destiel but the scene where Cas pours Dean’s drink. 

6x10 Pizza Man.

6x19 Baby in a trenchcoat aka leader of the heaven rebellion but sure Dean. He’s just cute. 

6x20 ICONIC 

6x21& 22 Both show that Cas is slowly realizing that he is not in control. 

7x01 The whole episode is wild but Cas just going to heaven and saying I’m Daddy now really takes the cake. (not the actual words he used.)

7x02 Cas’s death #3?

7x17 MISHA -- OH um, I mean CAS to the rescue lol

7x21 His cute little laugh! Honey!Cas has my heart and soul. Bonus Destiel: “ When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!” RIP Hester Queen

7x23 “Cursed or not.” Also his little smile when he asks for the plan ahh!

aka all episodes in s7 with Cas in it is worth watching.

Okay, I’ll try to control myself now but watch all of s8 cause its beautiful.

8x02 We see Dean’s POV to the purgatory portal scene. Also, hear Cas’s reason for leaving Dean.

8x07 We see Cas’s POV of the purgatory pov scene. Also, learn how Cas escapes purgatory. 

8x08 “I’m gonna be a hunter.” He’s so CUTE!

8x10 Cas needs a hug. Please.

8x17 ICONIC. “what broke the connection?” AHH

8x21 Badass Castiel

8x22 & 23 Castiel wants to do good. He wants to help but he just puts his trust in the wrong people. It hurts me so much. Look he’s just a small child and he is dealing with a lot right now. 

Season 9 Cas looks good. Like fanservice time father of two!

9x01 First look at human Cas!

9x03 I can’t watch this ending again. It’ll make me spiral. But it’s a good human Cas and destiel episode. Also, fuck April. She gross. 

9x06 ICONIC BLESSED jilted lover. 

9x09 He looks good.

9x10 “I prefer the word trusting. Less dumb. Less ass.” They are both dumbasses.

9x11 Sam & Cas chaotic vibes

9x14 Cas storyline with the angels starts or at least makes it more clear idk

9x18 Gabriel! Also, “Damn it, Dean!” and Cas accepts his role as a leader. The angels are dumb. 

9x22 Sam & Cas dream team lol Also, Cas picks Dean over heaven again.

9x23  “--and for what again? Oh, that's right -- to save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right? Well, guess what. He's dead, too.”

10x01 Cas draped across the bed like a victorian lady waiting for her husband to come back from the war

10x03 You know that scene where he’s lying on the floor bloody and dying and the Crowley saves him. And then Cas glows and heals with grace and he’s glaring up at Crowley? You know that scene. Yeah. Bonus: I’m gay and bloody Hannah is also hot. Small tip: Ignore the creepy/gross Hannah and Cas set up the writers are trying to do. They are siblings. 

10x09 Claire! That’s his daughter!

10x10 Claire and Cas make me cry.

10x14 Deleted scene of “Maybe he’s your boyfriend.” 

10x17 Sam & Cas! They are best friends, you guys!

10x18 Charlie and Cas meet! AND THEY ARE ALL HAPPY AND I CRY

10x20 Claire! Cas get’s her a birthday present, grumpy cat stuffy, and she keeps it! And I cry. And she saves him. And she cares about him. 

okay 10x21 cause of Charlie and Cas but also fuck this episode. Charlie deserved better. 

10x22 ICONIC gosh damn it. I-

10x23 Just for backstory for Cas in s11. Our poor boy can't catch a break. 

I worked on this for two hours now Nonny and I don’t even care. I miss Cas.

Season 11 hurts my damn soul because of Cas. I won’t include Casifer, though it was A LOT of fun to watch him.

11x01 “Dean, did it work?” I wanna hold this poor sad madly in love man. 

11x02 I can’t handle the torture. He looks so sad.

11x03 Bless you director, Jensen Ross Ackles.

11x04 Okay, not a lot of Cas but I love this episode. 

11x06 They don’t talk about his trauma but they show us a little when he tries to leave the bunker. And I cried. Once again. Let. Me. Hold. Him. 

11x10 Ambriel glad you are dead cause you were SO rude. Also, Amara girly, queen, I love you but apologize. Stop being mean to Castiel.

11x22 Cas get’s to talk and that’s nice

11x23 “I can go with you.” Sir, you just came back from being possessed by THEE satan and now you are ready to die by your future husband's side. You need therapy. 

Okay, I stopped watching live after season 11 because of the way they treated Cas so these next seasons I binged watched ( a couple of times) but wasn’t apart of the fandom so it feels like I didn’t fully grasp them. But here we go!

12x01 Cas meets his mother-in-law. Also the little, “Dean!” when he hugs him. 

12x02 Cas and Mick :)

12x03 Agent Beyonce and Zee lol Cas and Crowley and should have had a sitcom 

12x08 Cas gets a text (angel radio) that he’s gonna be a Dad and it looks like when Alice had a vision of the Volturi in Breaking Dawn Part 2 lol

12x09 Let me hug Cas! He’s sad over his family being gone. Also, Mary, I love you but I don’t forgive anybody for being mean to Cas. All the Winchesters are on thin fucking ice with me. 

12x10 ICONIC destiel. Cas in a female vessel. 

12x12 ICONIC “I love you. I love all of you.” 

12x19 Worried husband Dean. Excited soon-to-be father Cas.

12x23 Cas dies (again) from child birth.

Watch the first few episodes of season 13 for the famous widower arc cause wtf they gave us THAT. Also, I don’t care for the other world storyline so I pushed that out of my head. 

13x04 Cas annoying a cosmic entity. Fun fact! I dislike the trenchcoat cause it looked so stiff and the color was off idk didn’t look great but Cas looked beautiful when he looks up at the sun! Ah!

13x05 IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN

13x06 ICONIC BROKEBACKNATURAL Also, Jack and Cas meet and I cried damn it. “I missed you.” That’s his son!

13x07 Cas doesn’t put anybody or anything above his baby boy

13x12 Cas has the dumbest husband but at least Cas stabs lucifer. Bet Misha felt good

13x14 Badass Cas. He’s a top. lol 

13x16 ICONIC Cas looks...great. Like, watch it. I would do anything for cartoon!cas

13x19Just cause Cas faced someone who tortured him and it’s made to seem like he should get over it and it pisses me off. But Naomi is so cool so idk I like her but would fight her

13x22 Otherworld Cas is there and Cas just kills himself. He needs therapy. 

13x23 Cas’s face when Dean says yes. Also, family hunting trip yay

14x01 Dadstiel! Also, Cas looks good. 

14x03 Dadstiel.

14x07 Dadstiel. “Losing a son feels different.” And I cry. 

14x08 “because I love you Jack. And Sam and Dean--they love you.” THEY DO LOVE HIM AHHHH! Also, Empty deal is made as an excuse for the writers to do something with Cas later. 

I just realized season 14 is just Cas trying desperately to keep his family together. He’s trying to take care of them and he has the right words to say to everyone but not much happens besides him wanting to be a family man. 

14x14 gay on gay violence lol Also another family hunting trip! 

14x15 Fav episode! I just love Sam & Cas’s dumb chaotic energy in this ahaha! They are best friends damn it!

14x18 Cas is trying desperately to keep his family together and he feels responsible for Mary

14x19 Cas should have been allowed to kick Sam and Dean’s dumb flat asses for locking his baby boy in a box. 

14x20 AHHH

Divorce arc! All of s15 is great! Except you know...19&20 but we ignore that in this house. 

15x03 ICONIC but I will never watch it again

15x06 dude, they really be broken up. Cas kicks ass by himself and he’s fishing and he’s so cute. 

15x09 ICONIC Let him talk, Castiel!

15x11 Cas is THEE best Dad and let’s Jack eat hearts

15x13 Just for the family.

15x15 :(

15x17 Cas working to keep his baby boy

15x18 :( I mean at least he’s out but :(

Okay, this took me all day and I had fun! Nobody is gonna read it but who cares cause I just spent my day thinking of Cas when I had a pretty shit day so thanks, Nonnie! 

[amwritingmeta]

S15: Dean and Cas

Pardon my lateness. Life is mental at the moment! I haven’t watched 15x17 yet but hope to do so today or tomorrow. Gods preserve me, for then there will be only three more episodes left. *is this real life??*

Okay, leaving that, let’s talk about Dean and Cas, shall we? Yes, we shall!

Dean and Cas’ relationship, or rather, how they relate themselves to each other, has been in focus this season, because it’s been pivotal to both of their arcs in canonically straightforward ways. Ways so straightforward that we haven’t really seen the likes of them since S11, and with the very heavy-duty callbacks to S11 these last two episodes, it all seems quite fitting.

I mean, Jack is a bomb like Dean was a bomb and Dean got to ask Amara why she would bring Mary back, and she got to clarify she meant it as a gift, a thank you at the end of S11, because Dean didn’t blow himself to kingdom come and her along with him, because instead he realised how he could broker peace and allow for light and dark to find balance.

Which is what Dean needs to find right now.

He needs to balance out the light and dark, the masculine and the feminine, the conscious and unconscious, the ego and the shadow. He needs to balance himself out in order to let go of his fury. Why does he need that? Why would the narrative continuously hit on him needing to let go of his anger? Because that’s the reason why he was put on this journey to begin with, this slow and steady coming-of-age-coming-into-his-own progression of finding forgiveness and feeling worthy and having faith that he deserves good things.

How do we know this?

Well, arguably this season through what happens to Dean whenever he gives his fury free range, whenever he allows it to hollow out his faith, his trust, making him one-track minded, suspicious and controlling: he loses something.

He loses Cas.

This season has been all about highlighting what happens when Dean is unable to be even the slightest bit self-aware, when he veers off the path of self-acceptance. This season, Dean has had Cas disappear out of his life twice: first when Cas walked out of the bunker and second in Purgatory, when Cas went with the Leviathan. (to get them away from Dean)

The first time Dean almost lost Cas was really all about highlighting Cas’ independence (thank fuck for that), letting us see how far they’ve come in their relationship, because Dean didn’t dig himself a grave this time, perhaps having faith, in spite of it all, that Cas would come back to him, and Cas went off on his own, feeling like there was nothing left for him at the bunker when there was no forgiveness to be had from Dean.

Except, Cas thought better of it. He realised it wasn’t just on Dean to push for change—it was on him as well. And, knowing Dean, Cas had the epiphany that he would have to lead the way. 

Dean, of course, not being able to forgive and forget all that easily, needed a final push, which is why the second time he almost lost Cas was all about Dean. He had to confront his anger. He had to, because naming it and admitting it as the root cause of so many of his actions (and reactions) is a cornerstone for him to begin letting that anger go.

Almost losing Cas brought him to a moment of clarity, brought him to take a knee and admit to being wrong and offering the forgiveness he’d been holding back, because being angry is easier, especially when, it could be argued, you were beginning to feel that trust in good things lasting.

Yeah, speaking of good things lasting, it brings us to this question: Why is Dean so angry? 

He doesn’t know why (or so he claims) and he probably does need to have his eyes opened for him, the way Amara tried to open them, the way his conversation with her was a highlighter for the point he’s being pushed to finally reach in his progression: forgiving the past, embracing the present, trusting in the future and in the fact that he deserves to live a long and happy rest of his life. 

The fact that she’s completely dressed in pink - hello positive femininity representative who kicks ass and who once almost killed God and then was balanced out so that she instead healed him with her light and they twisted into dark and light smoke and went off together - is just delicious icing on the cake.

Yeah, and that’s the issue, Dean, alright, buddy?

Dean is angry because his mother died and her death meant that he lost his father too, it meant that he didn’t get to have a childhood, it meant that he stopped believing that he could have good things that would last, because of a confused sense of identity and a crippled sense of self-worth—why did bad things happen to him if he didn’t deserve it somehow?— and pushed him to mold himself into what would make him feel strong and brave: the image that his father projected. 

The soldier.

The weapon and the shield.

And now it seems Protect Sammy has morphed into Sacrifice Jack, all because Dean’s fury at Chuck’s manipulation isn’t containable, and there’s no way Dean’s going to let Chuck live. Even if it means Jack dies in the process. As Dean said to Sam in 15x16: at least it’s not them this time. 

All the while we just sit here and witness Dean morphing into the revenge thirsty spitting image of his father one last time, for one final, big ole push towards the line he’ll have to cross if he’s to finally understand once and for all where it’s actually drawn.

At Cas’ feet.

Remember back in S12, before Cas died, there was that subtle (erm) motif of pointy things going through people’s hearts from behind? Yeah. It happened twice, if I remember correctly, before the pointy end of an angel blade went through Cas’ heart and he died an angel death in the season finale.

Yeah. That.

So.

So now, in S15, we have Cas caught in a motif again, only this time Dean is right there with him, because it involves both of them. 

We’ve had anger and loss, and then honesty and forgiveness.

We’re back to anger, we’re back to Dean seeing red, blinded by it, and the only thing—we’ve been shown—that can unblind him is…?

That’s right: losing Cas.

So he will lose Cas again. We’ve been on the precepice of this as fact for a good long while now, haven’t we, my merry macarons? We have indeed! The question becomes how will Dean lose Cas again? Is Cas actually going to die? Again??

I still sincerely doubt it.

I think Cas will find another way, and that other way will equal a sacrifice on his part. His life? I mean, it could be, but what about the Empty? What about allowing himself to be happy? It could add up somehow, I guess I just can’t see it. So I think the sacrifice will somehow involve Heaven, because we know Michael will be back, and I hope it will involve Hell and all of the forces God has brought into being working against him—together.

S p e c.

Now, I’m a sadist. No, not like that -> I’m a sadist when it comes to characters. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a sadist. (Misha Collins is one, as we all know) (I joke!) (down Bessie!) What I’m getting at is that I want Cas having no other recourse but to do whatever it is he’ll have to do to save Jack to, quite literally, break Dean. 

We know they’re all teary eyed in 15x18 (feels like it’s Billie whom Dean is glaring at) and we’ve seen Dean crying against a wall and omfg I want it to be explicit and over Cas. Yeah? 

We ain’t getting them driving off in the Impala together (which is fine btw because the final episode should focus on the brothers more than anything else) (I mean, a hint that they will be driving around in that Impala post season finale while Sam goes to be with Eileen would be fab, but we can only hope and wish, yeah?) (horses held), so let’s get Dean broken over thinking he’ll never see Cas again. 

Let it be done with a big fat black marker in enormous circles around his emotional state. Let him TELL Cas to stay this time, like he should’ve done when Cas walked out the door in 15x03, only for Cas to be unable to comply, because this is all to teach Dean a lesson that this is where his anger gets him, and what he needs to do to save Cas is let that anger go, stop thinking Jack is expendable, and find a better way.

I mean, this is speculation, guys. This is hoping and wishing all over this narrative. But glory effing be if it’s anywhere in the ballpark.

It would be mind-blowing if there was a God intervention of some sort, a talking down off the ledge, as it were, as per end of S11, but I’m not going to hold my breath for *rainbows*…

I’ll hold it for balance, though. :)

Cas has waited for Dean for a long time. Dean being dismissive of Cas in 15x15 can, once again— because whenever he acts like a dick it comes back to bite him on the ass (there’s a visual for you)— be looked at as part of the tapestry that makes Cas feel there’s nothing more for him but being a father to Jack. 

Dean did nothing but instill this feeling in Cas after Cas came back from the black hole that is the Empty in S13, Dean being all “You were brought back because we needed you”—Dean saying zero things about how he was basically ripping apart at the seams from the grief of losing Cas just hours before Cas made that phone call. 

And of course not. Why would Dean admit that? Even to himself, once Cas was back. 

He wouldn’t! 

Ignoring how he really feels about stuff and taking Cas for granted is kinda what he does, so back to normal it all went. So normal and so leveled out that something had to happen, right? Because, in Dean’s mind, good things don’t last.

And then Mary happened.

Oh, my heart!

And Dean went off and cried, by himself, because he still couldn’t show emotion that openly, even to the people closest to him. But he went down on his knees and he cried in Cas’ ear during that prayer, and that really was something.

That said, Mary’s death was Dean proven right once again, and this person, who is the source of faith and hope and that budding belief that maybe, this time, everything was going to actually get better and stay that way, became the target of Dean’s anger over the injustice of it all. Because Cas was the root of it. He’s always been the root of Dean’s slow-to-grow hope that could bloom into belief and trust, if he just dared let it, that he deserves to be happy.

I wrote in an ask reply that I doubt we’ll get human!Cas, but then I remembered that Cas is still status quo-ing it. It’s why he almost left the bunker without telling anyone again, that choice of skedaddling without checking in getting interrupted by Dean, and Cas being brought into a situation where he had to divulge the information, not only that he was leaving and might not make it back (Dean’s face though!), but that Jack is going through a trial that will ultimately destroy him, which was a nice shift in this dynamic of theirs.

Now, look it, the writers may end Cas’ journey on him status quo-ing it... but for the Empty. 

And I would shrug at the Empty and think, well, maybe that won’t come into play... but for the fact that the deal was brought up just a few episodes back. 

So. Happiness.  

Somehow something will need to push Cas toward a moment of happiness. And letting himself be happy is such a climactic moment for his entire journey—and look at how it perfectly mirrors what Dean is being pushed toward—that I find it difficult to see how that moment would bring an eternity in the Empty.

But I’ve written a lot of words on why I just can’t make sense of why they would choose to kill him or have his moment of happiness be tied to a narrative punishment so I’m not getting into all that again, but because both Dean and Cas are being pushed toward happiness, I’m curious to see which route the writers have chosen to take with it.

It would be thrilling and satisfying in equal measure if we finally get Dean crying over Cas, and only Cas. No filter of Bobby or Mary to take away focus and allow for an argument that he’s not actually grieving Cas. 

It would be thrilling and satisfying for it to be very baseline Just Cas. As it has been just Cas this entire season. Cas at the center of Dean’s anger. Cas at the center of Dean’s push toward healing. Cas having had enough, drawing a line—the one that is still there, at his feet—and doing what he’s always done best: calling Dean out on his bullshit behaviour. Cas making Dean put words to his anger, express forgiveness and say that he’s sorry and all within the same moment to boot.

What all this will amount to, we’ll have to wait and see. 

In a few weeks. Or next week. Or maybe there will be strong indicators where the pendulum is actually swinging in 15x17!

Holy. Hell.

But I can’t see it ending somewhere tragic. If it does, it does. And it will be what it will be. And I’ll mourn a little, and accept it and move on. But I do believe it will end somewhere hopeful. Somewhere that leaves things quite tied up, but also open to interpretation, so that we can pick and choose who ends up where and how these men decide to continue on their journeys, now that this enormous leg of their progression is done, and they’ve learned to put the past to rest.

And if S11 is anything to go by, then the echoes of that ending would be a powerful way to tie everything up, as S11 was meant to be the end of the road, until Andrew Dabb picked up the reins with an idea of how to continue the show for a few more seasons. Or so I’ve heard.

11x23 also gave us the most gloriously frustrating exchange ever written for two characters in a car. Omg. Dean we-ing the absolute hell out of his speech when it was him, he was the one, the entire time Cas was possessed by Lucifer, who insisted they make sure Cas came back unscathed. “You’re the best friend we ever had” my ass, Dean! 

I wanted to talk about Dean and Sam as well, but there’s too little time at the moment for me to write more. And it’s painful, but I have to concede or hit a wall and hitting walls fucken hurts. 

I will mention that Sam telling Dean off at the end of 15x16 still gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

Finally, Sam. Finally.

As ever, sprinklings of salt all over this meta and speculation, my dearlings, but omfg it’s beautiful.

Right then. I’m off to watch 15x17! Wish me luck! *gah!*

[castiel-kline]

cas and balthazar meet again post finale

This one really got away from me, and it got really long. I promise it does answer the prompt but I also made it super plotty for some reason. I hope you don’t mind!

Being taken by the Empty didn’t feel like dying. 

Of course, that’s what was happening to him, but it didn’t feel like that. It felt cold, and painful, and vengeful. Lonely and miserable and laced with glittering knives of regret.

It was his damnation. Not the traditional sense of the word, but true nonetheless. 

But if facing it meant he’d save his family? Save Jack from being subject to the same fate? He’d damn himself to this a thousand times over, without a single shred of hesitation. 

The Empty had him entirely covered in its goo, tendrils snaking under his skin and into his body from every angle. In through the eyes, the nose, snaking down his throat. Under the fingernails, into the ears, scraping through the tattered remnants of his grace and pressing down around his true form. 

It was agony. 

Eventually it subsided, and some of the inky tendrils retracted, leaving him gasping for air that neither existed in this realm nor was truly necessary. He collapsed in a heap, the Empty bubbling around him. He spared a glance up, wondering if the Shadow were nearby to gloat before sending them both into slumber. What he saw… well. Unexpected didn’t quite cover it. 

“Jack?” 

“Hmm. Guess again, Castiel.” 

“No.” Don’t you dare look like him.

“Oh, yes. Because it hurts you to look at him, doesn’t it?” The Shadow leaned down, condescension clear as day in its every move. So wrong on Jack’s face that it twisted something deep within him. It stared him down, watching him squirm, mania-painted smirk stretching wider. “Good. I want you to suffer, so that’s what you’re going to do.” 

“I thought you wanted your peace and quiet,” Cas managed, as more tendrils snaked out over his wrists and ankles. Dragging him a little bit further down, completely at the Empty’s mercy. Somehow he suspected that was the point.

The Shadow straightened, looking down Jack’s nose at him. 

“Of course I do,” It said, emulating Jack’s earnestness. Liar. “But I can’t!”

“What?”

“Wonderboy-” the Shadow gesticulated wildly in the direction of its facsimile body “-woke everybody up when he exploded all over me. So I don’t get to sleep, no, and if I don’t get to sleep then you definitely don’t get to sleep. None at all.” 

Quicker than a blink, the Shadow had fisted Castiel’s collar in its hands, bringing their faces inches apart. 

“At least,” It whispered, eyes wild with an energy Jack had never, and would never, possess. “I get to make you suffer like you’ve made me suffer. So I want you to look at this face, Castiel. Look at it, and know that it’s contorted in tears right now because Papa Bear abandoned him.” 

The Shadow threw him down, the goo swallowing him right back up. Submerged in the dark, he scarcely felt its weight. He was too busy drowning in a fresh cascade of guilt.

It yanked him back up, tendrils leaving him suspended in the middle of nothing. Some of them twisted at his feathers, pulling them just enough to be excruciating but not enough to rip them free. He screamed.

“Be quiet!” The Empty released him, and Cas fell back down, every fibre of his being crying out in pain.

The Shadow cackled, everything about it from the pitch to the cadence to the intention screaming wrong, wrong, wrong.

“You’re never going to regret this, are you?”

Cas glared at it, mustering up as much defiance as he could. 

“No,” he croaked. “Because saving my family? That’s worth dying a thousand deaths.”

The Shadow doubled over laughing again. Then, quick as a blink, kicked him across the face, sending him reeling backwards.

“‘Die a thousand deaths’? Please. You’re pathetic, you know that?”

Castiel pushed himself back up, following the Shadow’s pacing with his eyes. It walked with one arm tucked behind its back, the other gesticulating as it spoke.

“Death isn’t going to be enough for you, hmm. Oh, you know what you’ve never been able to take?” It spun back around, grinning down at him. “You can’t stand seeing the pain you’ve caused. And since you can’t see what’s left of your precious little family- not that they even care that you died, by the way- how would you feel about seeing the angels again?”

No. He must have looked visibly afraid, because the Shadow only smiled wider. 

“Not so pleasant a thought, hmm? Seeing as you killed most of them.” It laughed again, clapping its hands in an expression of glee that would have been endearing coming from Jack, but now simply served to be disturbing. “Oh, yes. It’ll be just like throwing a scrap of meat to a pack of starving dogs.”

Cas shook his head, but the Empty pressed on. It waved its hand, and Castiel was thrown some immeasurable distance away. He pushed himself to a sitting position, and watched in horror as the ground bubbled around him, and his brothers and sisters began to crawl their way out.

He recognized them, of course, because he’d taken care to never forget a single name. He saw Hael first, then Bartholomew, then Jonah and Efram and Ambriel and Samandriel. He saw Raphael, Uriel, Anna, Jophiel. He scrambled to his feet, unable to do anything but watch and wait for their wrath to undoubtedly descend upon him. 

Someone grabbed him from behind and pulled, running and dragging Castiel with them. He didn’t fight it, figuring that whoever had him was going to inflict a world of pain and there wasn’t a thing to do but accept it. They’d gone a fair distance, if there was such a thing as distance in nothing, before they stopped and Cas turned to face who had taken him. 

“Balthazar?” His voice came out strangled, as scarcely more than a whisper. 

“Cas,” Balthazar said, staring at him with something unreadable in his eyes. “Your wings…”

“Balthazar,” Cas repeated, finding himself unable to say anything else, mind swirling in an inescapable vortex of grief and guilt and pain. “I’m sorry, my friend. I’m so sorry.”

“What, for killing me? You weren’t yourself.”

“I was. That’s the problem.”

Balthazar just shook his head. “It’s going to take more than a stab in the back to get rid of me. You do know that, right?”

“If we weren’t already dead I’d offer you my blade to kill me. I deserve nothing more.”

“Castiel.” Cas forced himself to meet Balthazar’s eyes directly. “I know you, and so I forgive you. As I’ve told you before- nothing’s changed.”

Cas smiled bitterly. “Except me.”

“What happened to you?” Balthazar’s fingers traced the air where Castiel’s wings lay mangled and twisted in another dimension. “You look like you’ve been clawed apart by feral house cats.”

“I destroyed everything, Balthazar. So many times.” And he felt like he was being crushed under the weight of all his mistakes. Perhaps this was the torture the Empty preferred for him- giving him back a lost friend, giving him forgiveness- and then ripping it away again. Surely even someone as loyal as Balthazar wouldn’t want to associate with him after learning of the things he’d done.

“You, Cassie? I’ve only ever known you to do what’s right.”

“How can you say that when you saw me make one of my biggest mistakes? When I killed you because of it?”

Balthazar scoffed. “Mistake? Cas, you were trying to stop our control freak of an older brother from letting the other ones out to destroy the world. What about that is a mistake? Sure, Crowley was a bit of a snake, but come on. It can’t have been so long that you’ve forgotten your good intentions.”

Cas didn’t say a word, and Balthazar narrowed his eyes. “How long has it been, Cas?”

Cas sighed. “Nine years.”

“Nine years.” Balthazar’s eyebrows had shot all the way up. “Wow. Not long at all. So what could… no. Tell me you weren’t.”

Castiel frowned. “Weren’t what?”

“Weren’t still kissing the Winchesters’ asses for the whole nine years.”

“They’re my friends, Balthazar.”

“Oh, really?” Balthazar crossed his arms. “If they’re your friends, why did they treat you like one of the guns they keep in the trunk of their wretched car?”

“It’s not like that.”

“Isn’t it, Cas?” Balthazar sighed, backing down a little. Nine years of death wouldn’t stop them from bickering, it seemed, though he did put a hand on Cas’ shoulder. An uncharacteristic attempt to show solidarity through the sarcasm.

“Look,” Balthazar continued. “What you do is your business, but… just tell me there was something good in those years. That it wasn’t just you running around trying to prove yourself to them.”

There was something, in fact, something he’d never expected. Something beautiful.

“I had a son,” he admitted. He’d often wondered what Jack would be like meeting angels that weren’t hell-bent on killing him. He’d imagined Jack meeting Balthazar, or Hannah, or Rachel or Samandriel, but it would never come to fruition. The best he would get was telling them about him, assuming he would be able to escape being choked and stretched and drowned by the depths of the Empty for all eternity.

“Why, Cassie, I’m impressed,” Balthazar said wryly. Oh no. Before Cas could interject and explain, Balthazar continued. “Looks like you really did get that stick out of your ass. And you put it right up-”

“Balthazar! He’s not mine, not like that. He chose me, and his mother was a friend. That’s all.”

Balthazar seemed to enjoy how flustered he was, but his tone was serious. “You adopted a human child?”

“No, he’s a nephilim.”

“Ah,” Balthazar said. “So they changed the rules regarding them in the past nine years, then?”

“No,” Cas said again, getting frustrated. He’d forgotten how much Balthazar loved to hear himself speak. Even if he had missed it, it was still mildly insufferable.

“Well, you rebel Cas, you. But, ah- who was the sire?”

Cas winced. “Lucifer.”

“Oh, my. That is unfortunate.”

“Yeah. Jack’s nothing like him, though. He’s… he’s very much like his mother. And I like to think he’s a little bit like me, too.”

Balthazar looked at him, somehow still reading him like a book after all this time.

“You spoil the poor child, don’t you?”

“I most certainly do not,” Cas huffed.

“Oh, yes you do. You’ve always been soft, but now you’re practically a down pillow.”

Cas’ smile was sadder, again. “I told you I’ve changed.”

“Maybe so. But we haven’t.”

“Thank you.”

Balthazar smiled. “I do have one question though, Cas.”

“Of course.”

“How did you die?”

Well. He supposed it would have had to be asked eventually. Unfortunately his hesitation gave Balthazar another opportunity to talk over him.

“Please don’t tell me it was for the Winchesters.”

“I love them.”

Balthazar rolled his eyes. “Of course you do. And unfortunately I love that about you. Well, go on. Tell me a story.”

Cas shrugged. “I made a deal with the Empty. My life for Jack’s, which- it wasn’t even a question. It said that when I was finally happy, it would take me.”

Balthazar frowned. “What did you in?”

“You know, I’m not really sure. But I managed to save Dean, and that’s all that matters.”

“Oh, Cas,” Balthazar muttered, sounding deeply sad. “Well, at least you were clearly a better father than our dear old absent God. That much is clear.”

Cas’ heart sank. He couldn’t not tell him, though he didn’t necessarily want to break the news.

“Balthazar.”

“What?”

“Um. A lot has happened since I’ve last seen you, and there’s a lot you need to know, but God- God was never on our side.”

--------

They walked aimlessly through the Empty, keeping aware for signs of their siblings or the Shadow, but oddly finding none.

“Well then,” Balthazar said, flippant as ever. Cas was nearly sure he was deflecting.

“That’s all you have to say? You’re not angry?”

“Nope.” Forced cheerfulness. “Never liked him anyway. Frankly, I’m surprised you even met the man.”

Cas paused and stopped moving, feeling something tugging at his grace.

“Cas, what’s wrong? Are you alright?” Balthazar had stopped too, hovering closer. 

A pocket of the nothingness in front of them seemed to pull itself inward, caving in like a black hole and then cracking open just a bit. Was this what it looked like when someone died and came to the Empty?

Hopefully not, because the distortion cleared and Jack was standing there. And it was painfully, obviously Jack, clearly indicated by everything from his posture to the grace Cas could feel reaching for his own.

Balthazar stiffened, preparing for a fight, but the minute Jack caught sight of Castiel the angel found himself with an armful of nephilim. He held on tight, feeling Jack trembling slightly.

Having connected the dots, Balthazar caught his eye over Jack’s shoulder and mouthed “down pillow.” Cas shook his head slightly, but turned his attention back to his son.

“Jack? Are you-”

“I’m getting you out, Cas,” Jack said, pulling back. “We’re both getting out of here.”

Balthazar’s stricken expression tugged at Cas’ heart.

“Just me?” Cas asked.

Jack’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“The other angels are awake, Jack. Can you…”

“I… maybe. But, Cas, I don’t… I don’t know them. Why…”

“It’s alright if you can’t,” Cas assured. “But if we can help them somehow, be that bringing them back or putting them to sleep… I need to try to make things right.”

Jack nodded. “I’ll try to help.”

Cas smiled at him, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. “Thank you. And thank you for coming to get me.”

“Of course. I missed you,” Jack said, eyes wide. Cas felt something else inside him twisting.

Balthazar cleared his throat, and Cas gently turned Jack around to face the third member of their party.

“Jack, this is Balthazar. He’s a good friend.”

Jack and Balthazar looked at each other, Jack frowning and Balthazar smirking in a horribly misguided attempt to be friendly. The silence stretched on, utterly deafening. Jack broke it first.

“I… I met an alternate universe version of you that was not very nice.”

Balthazar didn’t miss a beat.

“Well, you know what they say. Don’t judge an angel by their alternate universe counterparts, right?”

That got a bit of a smile out of Jack, though he was still wary. Cas couldn’t blame him, so he kept in contact to keep him at ease.

“We need to find the Shadow. Make an arrangement so that we can take a few angels with us and the Empty goes back to peace and quiet,” Jack said. The self-assuredness was clearly a front, but somehow Cas felt as if he’d have time to help Jack through it. 

“Okay,” he said, nodding at Jack. Jack nodded back, and the three of them started walking. Into what, they didn’t know. 

But Castiel had the strangest feeling that it was all going to turn out alright.

[lov3nerdstuff]

Voluptas Noctis Aeternae {Part 6.14}

*Severus Snape x OC*

Summary: It is the year 1983 when the ordinary life of Robin Mitchell takes a drastic turn: she is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Despite the struggles of being a muggle-born in Slytherin, she soon discovers her passion for Potions, and even manages the impossible: gaining the favor of Severus Snape. Throughout the years, Robin finds that the not quite so ordinary Potions Professor goes from being a brooding stranger to being more than she had ever deemed possible. An ally, a mentor, a friend... and eventually, the person she loves the most. Through adventure, prophecies and the little struggles of daily life in a castle full of mysteries, Robin chooses a path for herself, an unlikely friendship blossoms into something more, and two people abandoned by the world can finally find a home.

General warnings: professor x student, blood, violence, trauma, neglectful families, bullying, cursing

Words: 4.8k

Read Part 1.1 here! All Parts can be found on the Masterlist!

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On the other side of the door, inside the classroom, Robin closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath. Obviously she hadn't added anything to the antidote, hadn't even had the time to, but she might as well make use of his fear for her in that regard. He undoubtedly believed that she had given him a sleeping draught, and she was glad for her bad reputation for once. Even more, she was glad that it had just been a work of magic. There was still nobody who sincerely cared about her, and she found herself almost relieved at that, even if for a reason she did not quite understand. Perhaps because she wouldn't have to deal with Julius anymore, nor any other idiot, if she just was incapable of being loved. Or perhaps because it was what she thought she deserved after all.

"How did you know it was a love potion?" Snape's deep voice ghosted through the room, quiet and haunting.

Robin's blood froze over with a start, and she stood perfectly still in her spot. "What?" She asked in a whisper while her heart exploded into a frantic drumming. There was nobody here but them… There was nobody he could be speaking to but her.

"He didn't show the usual signs of forced infatuation, so how did you know his affection wasn't real?" He asked in quiet sincerity, uncharacteristically quiet even, and Robin's eyes flew open in time to observe how he moved from the edge of his desk to a stool behind it.

"Oh, come on... As if anyone would actually care about me like that." She scoffed quietly, and her legs started carrying her through the room on their own account until she stood next to her own desk again.

"Whyever not?"

"Because nobody even likes me at all these days! I'm hardly tolerated wherever I go, and even that is only because people are too scared to send me away. There's nobody who actually wants to be part of my life."

"I sincerely doubt that." He said quietly, and something within Robin finally and irredeemably snapped.

"How would you know, huh? You haven't talked to me in three bloody months!!!" Robin yelled at him without a single care in the world if it was in the middle of the goddamn night or not. "Cas is always gone since she and Simon started dating, Jorien is blaming me for her best friend's absence, and don't even get me started on my bloody parents! So yes, there is literally nobody who cares about me at this point!"

She was tired of the anger, of the pain, and of her own crumbling walls that lay in ashes at last. She didn't even notice herself moving in closer to him until he turned in his seat to face her. She didn't notice until it was too late to go back.

"I care about you." Snape replied instinctively upon her words, a blurt of truth that had evaded his facades, and he seemed surprised himself that such a thing had escaped his lips so freely after so long. His torn neutrality started crumbling slowly, when finally he added, "A lot."

"Do you, really? Because as far as I'm aware, people don't just ignore someone they care about without any bloody reason! From one day to the next you just cut me off entirely, from our work and from talking, and from yourself! Do you have any idea how much that hurt me?!" Robin's voice grew thicker, laced with tears that started falling from her eyes with all the anger and hurt she didn't care to hide anymore.

"I was wrong, and that is painfully obvious to me now." Snape said, and while still spoken in honest certainty, his voice grew more quiet with every word. "I made a mistake."

"You damn well did!"

"I know." He held her gaze for a moment longer, eyes like a mirror of her own emotions, until at last he had to look away. But his voice equalled his eyes in sadness either way. "I am truly sorry."

"Sorry doesn't nearly cover it this time! You used to ask for my honesty, so here you have it now: I cried myself to sleep more often than I care to admit ever since new year's. I was lonely to the point of shattering, and I kept asking myself just what I have done wrong. What could I possibly have done to deserve to be treated like that, by someone I care about so deeply." Robin started out loud and ended in a whisper, honest words spoken for him to hear and yet as her own catharsis all over again. A better one, this time. A crescendo of emotion. "But then I realized that I hadn't done anything wrong at all. I didn't deserve to be treated like that, and I didn't deserve the pain. I still don't."

"I never thought that you would blame yourself for any of this. I never meant to hurt you." His gaze still lingered on the ground, but what Robin saw of his face was painted in sorrow. The last walls crumbling, facades but burning ashes. "I was wrong in all I believed, and I made the most terrible mistake by doing what I did. You didn't deserve any of it, which makes it all the more reasonable that you must hate me now."

"Sometimes it's easier to hate something you know you can't have anyway." She replied in an almost quiet calm, allowing the pain that lingered to wash over her while the anger faded into shallow dust and smoke.

"I know." He breathed gravely. "All too well."

"And you know that I'm not one to take the easy way out of anything of importance." Robin took a deep breath, then moved again closer to him in certainty. One step, then another, while her voice stayed steady as herself. She had made up her mind, she had long ago. "I could never hate you. I promised you that I wouldn't give up on you, and I won't. You really screwed this up, you hurt me, and I'm going to be mad at you for a while... But I still forgive you."

"I don't deserve your forgiveness, Robin. Not this time." He finally looked up at her in that rawest kind of honesty, his voice both hoarse and laced with equal sadness as still consumed his eyes. His soul was bleeding, seeping emotions pouring into the open in a way Robin had never seen before. Not like this. It broke her heart to see him like that, and she wanted to make sure she never had to again.

"Forgiveness isn't something that's deserved. It's given to those who need it." Her words were gentle, her voice soft in ways she had never risen up to until now. Without a speckle of doubt on her mind she took the one final step to stand directly in front of him. "Mistakes are the foundation of change, and also of improvement if only they are forgiven first. I'm not going to stand in the way of us being better than this, both of us, and I need you not to either." She held his gaze of drowning sadness with a deep intensity in return, and every bit of desperate hope she felt was out in the open now. Forgiveness really is the highest art of loving. "Be better with me. Please."

Snape merely stared up at her for a few seconds, in that overwhelming unveiled honesty, until at last he nodded, slowly, but in growing certainty no less. Robin released a breath she had held without her knowing, fighting the tears that lingered in her eyes, but it was a fight she was doomed to lose when he dropped his head once more.

Slowly as if afraid to break her, he rested his forehead against her torso in a tender touch, without a word, without a breath. Robin's heart skipped a beat, and another and another, and it now was her who seemed to be frozen by a single touch. She understood him now, understood what such a simple gesture could do to you. Her chest filled with the unceasing warmth of pure adoration, and she slowly placed her hands on his shoulders first, careful in the unusual touch, before she allowed herself to gently wrap her arms around him entirely.

A few seconds passed while Robin drew soothing circles on his back, and she kept reminding herself to breathe. A terrible idea, really, for her breathing hitched the very second she felt his arms encircling her in return, large hands resting on her back while pulling her ineffably closer until she had no choice but to stand flush against him. His hold on her waist tightened, more and more while yet his forehead remained pressed against her upper stomach, keeping his gaze directed to the stones beneath them. Robin closed her eyes against the waves of roaring tears, and gladly let herself tighten her hold on him in return.

"I missed you." Snape finally said, barely above a whisper, but he managed to hold her closer still, clinging onto her almost as if she would vanish any moment now.

"I missed you too." Robin breathed back, and her voice cracked when her tears finally won the fight, spilling down her cheeks only to catch on her lips and drip down her chin into rivers of black. Finally, she couldn't help the small smile that took over her lips no less.

They both were too overwhelmed to say any more after that, for seconds, minutes, eternities… and the silence had mercy on them for the longest time while they simply held onto each other. They needed this, both of them.

"Will you stay with me if I let go of you?" Snape eventually asked, quietly but also calmer than before, less shattered but still uncertain of what the answer might be.

"Obviously." Robin smiled in return, as she couldn't help teasing him even if just to bring a little light into the moment. A few seconds of silence passed, she almost feared that she had actually done wrong this time, but then he started chuckling softly. At first Robin felt it more than she heard it, but after a moment when it became audible indeed, she had no choice but to laugh as well. For no reason, and yet for all of them at once.

They did let go of each other then, reluctantly, but in the knowledge that it had to be. Robin took a step backwards to give him some room which he used to rise to his feet, finally lifting his gaze as well to meet hers once again. The openness had prevailed, but the deep sorrow was retreating, and taking the hurt with it. Good. A sight to behold.

"I better go clean up my desk, huh?" Robin stated more than asked, giving him a half smile while she walked backwards to keep her gaze locked with his. Somehow the idea of letting him out of her sight right now seemed entirely impossible.

"Don't bother, I will have the third years take care of it in detention tomorrow." He replied as his eyes followed her every movement as well. "I believe I still owe you a coffee. How would you like that instead?"

"You owe me far more than one coffee. More like… three months of coffee." Her smile widened a little as she only grabbed her backpack before moving back towards him. "But we've got to start somewhere after all."

He looked relieved upon her words, more so than she had expected, and Robin once more had to realize just how afraid he actually was that she would change her mind, would choose to hate and abandon him after all. But she would never, couldn't for anything in the world, and she would do her best to make him understand that from here on. She wouldn't make the same mistake he had, only to send them both into a devil's circle of common misery. No, she would be better than that. They would be.

As they ought to, they moved over into the office for coffee, to sit at the small table in their usual spots, and in a way, it felt like it had been just yesterday that they had been sitting here last. Snape made coffee while Robin let her gaze wander around the room, taking in its deterioration in comparison to her last visit. It was almost amusing to her in a way, that whoever else came in here surely must deem the space tidy at the least, if not even pedantically organized and neat. To Robin however, who had spent more time here than she should probably admit, the difference was undeniable. Usually the only space that would be a small mess was the lab, and she was sure he only allowed it to be because nobody but him and her ever came in there, but now the office had become more of a mess than the lab had ever been. She found herself curious to see how it would develop from here on.

Finally a mug was placed in front of her, and she was drawn out of her head when Snape took his seat across from her. Taking a deep breath, Robin looked down at the steaming black liquid and smiled, then frowned a little.

"This doesn't smell like I remember it to… Is it the same instant coffee we've always had?" She looked up with a smile and slightly raised eyebrows, inhaling the unusually rich scent of the coffee once again.

"No… this is real coffee, for once. It should taste better than what we used to have."

Robin's curiosity got the better of her, and she took a careful sip even though it was still way too hot. And indeed, it did taste better, a million times even, and that made burning her tongue worth it as she took another sip. They both stayed quiet for a while after that, in the simple enjoyment of the situation that used to be such an essential part of both their days. Somehow, Robin knew that it would be again after today.

"Will you tell me why you put us through all this?" She asked after a while, a calm and careful inquiry only. "As much as I can't quite grasp anything that happened in the last three months... I am starting to understand that this hurt you just as much as it hurt me."

"It did." Snape replied quietly, while his expression turned into seriousness instead of sorrow at least. "There were multiple thoughts involved, but none of them are reason nor excuse for what happened. I simply was wrong, and I did wrong in return."

"I would still like to know." Robin insisted with a half smile. "Please?"

"The easiest one happens to also be the gravest." He sighed, peering down at his coffee, his hands, the table… anywhere but at Robin. "I was afraid. And fear makes people do terrible things."

"Afraid of what?"

"A variety of matters, really, but ultimately only of myself. Of how attached I have gotten to you without even being aware of it."

Robin frowned while yet her heart skipped a beat upon his reply, but she tried to understand instead of basking in it. "Why is that something to be afraid of? Isn't attachment an essential part of every close… friendship?"

"Certainly, yet that is the other issue... I believed that it might make your life easier if you didn't have to endure me as a friend."

"Well, we both saw how not having you in my life turned out." Robin rolled her eyes before she could help it, but when he looked up at her once more, her expression softened immediately. "You see now how stupid that thought was, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Good." She gave him a half smile, in an attempt to cheer him up. "Who else would have coffee with me in the middle of the night, huh? You're my best friend; that's in your job description."

His lips tugged upwards into a small smile, which yet grew tainted all too soon. "Unfortunately, I am also your professor as for now. For a class you don't need, in a subject you know just as well as I do. Perhaps even better, in some regards. It really is a ridiculous predicament we are in... It has been for a while now."

"It won't be for much longer." Robin shrugged, looking down at her almost empty mug while swirling the remainder of the coffee around the bottom.

"What do you mean by that?" Snape asked almost reluctantly, and his tone took on that barest hint of fear again that made Robin look up at him in an instant.

"I mean that Professor Dumbledore approached me a while ago and suggested that I take the N.E.W.T.s for potions and herbology this year already. He brought forth pretty much the same argument, actually, saying that it simply wouldn't make sense for me to attend those classes for another year, and he believes that the extra time I'll thereby gain would be better spent with my own studies. I agreed with him, and he had it approved by the ministry a few weeks ago."

"I had no idea..." Snape mused quietly, surprised and even a little hurt perhaps, then however his brows furrowed into a deep frown. "Have you been preparing for those exams all by yourself this entire time?"

"Obviously. N.E.W.T.s are a real challenge even for me, and if I'm skipping a year of classes, I have to work even harder." Robin shrugged yet again, but tried to keep her face positive nonetheless. "I might be good in the subjects themselves, but there is still a lot of work to do before the exams. Either way, the excessive studying has been quite a good distraction over the past few weeks."

"I should have been there to help you from the start." Snape avoided her gaze yet again, and instead frowned at the bookshelf on the opposite wall. "But I had to be a pathetic fool and turn a blind eye to everything that involved you."

"Perhaps it's a minor form of punishment then that I've been doing pretty well without you, actually. Academically, I mean... Everything else not so much. Or… not at all."

"Why would that be a punishment? I couldn't see your success as anything other than delightful even if I tried." His eyes were back on hers in an instant, questioning, frowning.

"Well, I know how much you enjoy knowing better, or elaborately telling me all the ways in which I'm wrong." Robin said with a small smirk, teasing him yet again even if it probably was the last thing any sane person would do. "It must be a setback for your pride to see that I don't need your knowledge to be good at potions."

"I believe 'good' is an understatement." Snape replied in pointed factuality, with the worst feigned innocence ever, which in return contradicted the fact that he was being entirely honest. "And quite frankly, I could not be more relieved to know that you do not need me at all to be beyond outstanding in any subject."

"It's not fair if you're being all honest with me now..." Robin protested with a groan and laugh, and an equally feigned pout. "How am I supposed to tease you without feeling like an idiot?"

At that, Snape actually did smile. "You will find a way."

"You can be certain of that."

… … …

They stayed sitting in the office for hours, slowly catching up on all the things that had happened in the past months, while Snape kept on making them coffee without a single word of complaint or tease. Robin appreciated it, both the gesture and the coffee itself, but she also kept on telling him that he didn't have to, that there were no conditions for her to stay. (Nor for her to love him, which her eyes kept saying but her lips wouldn't dare to.) He kept on making her coffee nonetheless.

It was dawning when they noticed how much time had passed, and it was three seconds later when they decided that they didn't care. They kept on chatting about Robin's situation with Cas and Jorien, about the impending detention for whoever had given that love potion to Julius, and lastly also about Morgan's eclectic behavior ever since the ball.

It took Robin a while to convince Snape that while it certainly had been horrible to deal with Morgan and his crude shenanigans alone, she yet had come out alright after every instance of confrontation. Nonetheless, neither of them had to mention that things would hopefully be better again from now on. Morgan didn't stand a chance against either of them, but together they were better nonetheless.

When it was about time for breakfast at last, they wordlessly agreed that it probably would be better to get cleaned up and changed first, for they both had a long night painted on their faces, and the smell of fire and coffee clinging to their robes. But at least Robin did get him to agree to actually attend the meal for once, which in her opinion was about as good a start into the day as she's had in a long while.

When they parted in the crossing of hallways at last and Robin henceforth made her way towards her room, she couldn't help wondering where exactly Snape's quarters were located in the castle. Probably in the dungeons somewhere, sure, but where exactly? There were too many hallways, too many locked doors and ineffable possibilities for secret rooms behind uncountable pictures and stones. Perhaps, one of these days she would actually muster up the courage to ask him. Just out of curiosity. As reference for a future that would never come to be.

When Robin entered her room, Cas was painting her face with that horrible brown paste while Jorien was just getting dressed. A normal morning, then.

"Hey guys." She greeted them with an almost happy little sigh, but her mind soon came back to reality and she had to realize that the conflict with her roommates hadn't just disappeared overnight. And it definitely hadn't solved itself just by talking about it with someone at last.

"Oh look, she's happy." Jorien grumbled to herself, then turned to walk away. "Who cares."

"Hey Robin! You won't believe what happened last night!" Cas started in excitement, but kept her eyes trained on the small mirror in her lap.

Robin ignored Jorien's comment for now and dropped her bag onto her bed, then went on to change into something less wrinkled. Meanwhile, she only partially listened to Cas rambling on about whatever it was that Simon or one of his friends had done this time.

"Isn't that just the cutest thing ever?!" Cas finished at last, while Robin was about to make an unnoticed excit.

"Yeah, perhaps. You must know best, huh?" She replied without actually knowing what she was agreeing to, but Cas didn't pay much attention to her reply anyway, and thus Robin could slip away into the bathroom without being held up by any more questions.

When she returned ten minutes later, both Cas and Jorien were ready to leave for breakfast, but neither of them spoke to the other nor made any attempt to even acknowledge the other's existence. And honestly, Robin was fed up with the childish behavior of all individuals concerned, herself included. She had been able to sort out the far larger problem last night, and she would be able to solve this one as well. Really, she should have done this long ago. Would have, hadn't everything else come in the way.

"I would like to see both of you after breakfast. We haven't done proper tutoring ever since Christmas, and I believe it would be a good idea to start with it again. Foremostly because the three of us seriously need to start talking to each other again." She said into the open room while effectively blocking the door to the hallway. Gods, she hated playing the superior part in this, but quite honestly she didn't see another way. A simple attempt to talk to either of them hadn't worked in the months prior, and it surely wouldn't work now.

"Can't." Cas was quick to reply, shrugging. "Sorry, I'm meeting Simon after breakfast."

"You surely can meet him just a little later for once, can't you?" Robin sighed with a neutral expression and an attempt at a calm smile. "All I'm asking for is one hour."

"Just because you're all happy again for once after being gone all night doesn't mean you can order us around like that!" Jorien snapped an instant later, and Robin honestly felt as startled by the sudden outburst as hurt by the comment itself.

"Have you gone mad or what's your bloody problem?!" Cas yelled back at Jorien before Robin could intervene. "Honestly, what's gotten into you?"

"What's gotten into YOU is the real question here!" Jorien returned, ignoring Robin now just as Cas did. "You and your pathetic excuse of a relationship! Do you even realize that there are other people on this planet than bloody Simon?!"

"Stop. It. Now." Robin cut in before either of them could continue, in a tone as sharp as a dagger and likely as dangerous, but she didn't yell. She didn't have to, for both girls turned their attention to her immediately with almost startled faces; Robin never spoke to them like that, and she honestly regretted that she had to now. "If you act like children, I will treat you like children. And since you refuse to settle this like adults, I will be seeing both of you for detention after breakfast."

"You can't give us detention." Jorien scoffed and crossed her arms in defiance. "Don't make yourself more important than you are."

"I most definitely can, so you better find yourselves in the potions classroom after breakfast if you don't want me to drag you there while your friends are watching." Robin said in the cold calm she usually would use on people she wished to intimidate, and it honestly felt weird to use it under these circumstances now instead. But she would rather have both girls be friends again and hate her together for what she was doing to them now, than to watch their friendship crumbling apart over a relationship that probably wouldn't last until the end of the school year. Either way, she saw no version of this that had all three of them being good with each other again, and if that's what it took, she would gladly sacrifice her own connection to them to save their friendship at least.

"Okay." Cas finally replied quietly, staring at her own feet with a small pout.

"Not okay!" Jorien protested however, and Robin had to do her best not to roll her eyes. The girl really was quite as stubborn as Robin herself could be, and Robin honestly understood why Snape had been so annoyed with her at times in the more distant past. But Jorien wasn't giving up on it. "I refuse to have a bloody student on an ego trip give me false detention for nothing!"

"You insulted me twice now, does that make you feel better about yourself? Or is it part of your own justification for the anger you direct at me?" Robin merely asked her in return, entirely calmly (as difficult as that was), and turned on her heels to open the door. "If you don't want to believe me, we can ask someone who most definitely will confirm that for you two, my word is law indeed."

"I'll believe it when I see it." Jorien scoffed and left the bedroom after Robin, following on her heels while Cas closed the door after them and even then stayed a few feet behind.

Robin counted her breaths as she made her way towards breakfast, calming herself down as much as possible, while she felt bad already for what she meant to do. Really, bothering Snape with this had not been on her agenda for today. They had been good again for mere hours, and now… oh well. Perhaps it did have a positive side to it though; at least it would be another piece of proof to him that she definitely didn't withdraw from him at all. Things were going to be alright again from here on; she was going to see to that at last.

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[demonologist-in-denim]

Review of Falling Skies by VivatRex

The first Crowley redemption fanfic I ever came across was Falling Skies by VivatRex. This was shortly after 8x23 aired, and at the time, there wasn’t much fic out there involving Crowley that portrayed him as anything other than a villain. (There still isn’t, to be fair.) And there definitely wasn’t much out there in which Crowley actively sought redemption, much less worked alongside and eventually earned himself a place among the Winchester extended family. So the fact that Falling Skies was a slow burn Mooseley fic was just something I was willing to accept in order to read what I was desperately looking for in a Crowley fic.

I was inspired by this post to go back and reread Falling Skies for the first time since it was completed in 2015. All 328,000+ words of it. It’s certainly the longest fanfic I’ve ever read. And I’ve read fanfics that more closely align to what I’m looking for – but because this was my first Crowley redemption fanfic, I’ve never forgotten it. There are parts of it - scenes, even single lines - that I vividly recall. There are scenes and dynamics and plot points in this fic that were significant influences on my own writing, and are so deeply entrenched in my understanding of post-cure Crowley that rereading this fic felt like some tantalizingly familiar part of myself echoing back to me after a long absence. This is the longest review I have ever written, but then, it is a very long fic.

To quickly summarize the fic, Falling Skies begins after 8x23, with the angels falling to earth and Sam having collapsed from attempting to abort the demon trials. The overarching plot follows Dean, Sam, humanized Cas and resentfully cured Crowley as they attempt to deal with the fallout of Abaddon’s return and the shuttering of the Gates of Heaven. Along the way, a new villainous angel makes a play to rule both Heaven and Hell, angels and demons battle out their differences on Earth in a massive slaughter, and the Man Tablet is discovered, which reveals that the ultimate apocalypse involves merging all the known planes of existence into a hellish nightmare. Throughout all of this, Crowley struggles with a blood-born conscience that begins to form itself into a soul, a mental and emotional link that now connects him and Sam due to the incomplete cure, and rival selves: the cunning, successful King of Hell and a man haunted by his past, longing to make amends. It’s equal parts Mooseley, Destiel, and a season’s worth of near-world ending scenario.

Scenes from this fic that I’ll never forget:

The opening scene is Crowley in the church at the end of 8x23, beset by guilt and shame as he can feel for the first time in hundreds of years the depth of pain and suffering he’s caused.

His reaction shortly after the aborted cure to remembering he killed Meg. “Crowley’s stomach twisted in a painful knot at the thought of Meg…The unspeakable acts that hadn’t seemed unspeakable at all at the time…He promptly rolled down the Impala’s window. He leaned out, vomiting onto the road.”

The scene in which Crowley admits to Sam that he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself after the cure, “if you’d cured me, I would’ve hung myself the minute I found a long enough rope.”

The scene in which Crowley faces the demon who tortured him on the rack, and sees himself in comparison to that demon, hears his own awful words to Kevin, “What you people fail to under is that you are nothing” and “it makes him sick to what little remained of his soul to think that his mindset had been similar to this…only a few months prior. That he hadn’t been much better than this, once.”

Fergus’ death scene was particularly memorable. Driven by fear of his own impending death and going to Hell, he accidently kills someone he loves, and takes his own life by hanging. It’s not ever the backstory I would have imagined for him, but it was written with real heart behind it.

Having chosen to complete the cure, that Crowley receives complete forgiveness. Whatever substitutes for divine authority in this fic restores his soul fully, forgives him for all his past sins, and frees Crowley from the ruinous effects of damnation. “He’d been forgiven. Crowley sobbed into his hands.” It’s not the story I would have written for Crowley, but at a time when Crowley redemption fic was almost nonexistent, this was powerful.

In a rare moment in which Cas is being a self-righteous asshole, Dean remarks that “you’re really reminding me of someone…a douche bag I met back in ’08 who threatened to throw me back into Hell if I didn’t show him the respect he deserved.” Later, after he’s had time to calm down and begins to feel guilt, Cas asks “The ‘douche bag’ who raised you from Hell. Did you hate him?”

This fic offered a lot of the emotional struggles and scenes, the waypoints, I wanted to see along Crowley’s road of redemption.

His struggle with embracing more human emotions and perspective. His subconscious and then intentional rejection of the monster he used to be.

Being offered a choice between more power and more humanity, and after a long internal struggle, choosing humanity.

Ultimately choosing the Winchesters and (Crowley’s own conception of) the greater good over demonic self-interests. Choosing “one tiny forever [with people he cared about over] a never-ending existence” without them.

Crowley grasping – and openly admitting to valuing – humanity for its own sake. And that while in becoming less demon and more human, in becoming family with the Winchesters, he may lose his powers and influence, his immortality and near-invincibility, that he gained everything else. “Love, friendship, family, redemption…It’s all worth it!”

Crowley in this fic is written as having that change of heart and perspective because of and for Sam’s sake, and I very much write all of that happening for Crowley’s own sake and born of something innate to him, but seeing all of this in a fic assured me that I wasn’t the only one who thought that redemption was possible for Crowley. It meant a lot to me at the time. I guess, considering I was willing to reread this whole fic again all these year later, it still does.

Crowley admitting – to himself and to others – or directly referencing feelings of guilt, remorse and shame for his actions. It wasn’t explained away as just the effects of the cure. Something deep inside him had been changed, restored.

The very first scene resoundingly validated my own understanding of 8x23 – Crowley caught up in the flood of emotions brought on by the cure, seeing his actions for the first time as truly monstrous, hearing the cries of his victims. Holy mother of sin, the things I’ve done.

The admittance to himself that time alone in the bunker’s dungeon, in the dark, was too much time left to self-reflection and memories – the nagging of his conscience when he’d rather suppress it entirely.

The rawness of his emotions, his unfamiliarity with how to process them, “it had been a constant struggle not to start sobbing like a bloody child since Sam had almost cured him.”

His increasing hatred of other demons, not because of their disloyalty or incompetence, but because of what they symbolize: their delight in suffering, the misery they cause, that he was anything like them and might still be – or worse, might regress and become again.

In canon, Crowley asks Sam where to begin looking for forgiveness. He references wanting to make amends again in 10x17 when he tells Sam he thought making changes to Hell “might matter.” But after the cure, Crowley in canon never really expresses one way or another whether he thinks he’s capable of or can earn redemption. We’re left with subtext that suggests Crowley thinks he’s too far gone for that – or has been convinced that that’s the case by the attitude of the Winchesters and Cas. Fanfiction, this fic, offered up what canon couldn’t:

Crowley admitting to hating what he was and wanting to be better. Saying things like “I’ve been past the point of forgiveness for a very long time” and “There’s no forgiveness, not for a thing like me” and hating that.

Feeling beyond ashamed to have so thoroughly damned himself beyond any hope of redemption. “Even now, he would never forgive himself for all he’d done – and truthfully, he didn’t believe he deserved forgiveness.” Crowley feeling that way both kills me – because it’s not true, dammit – and fulfills a perverse need to see the character suffer through all the necessary growth to actually become that better self that is worthy of that redemption.

Crowley admits his own efforts are “not enough!...It’ll never be enough” compared with his sins. In canon, Crowley never says as much, but plenty of other characters, particularly the Winchesters, are more than happy to come to that conclusion for him.

Again, I am amazed – looking back at this fic – of how much of Crowley’s road to redemption that this fic established for me. One of the waypoints was Crowley coming to a point where he recognizes and then internalizes that being a demon is bad. That seems obvious, but Crowley had so much to gain from being a demon. Did gain so much, compared to his human life. But in becoming a demon, souls lose something, something of immense and irreplaceable value.

After the aborted cure, Crowley “had all the souls of the damned behind him, and he’d never felt weaker.”

And then there was the matter of watching what other demons did, the harm they caused – seeing the consequences and aftermath of the pain and suffer he had caused, how that effected the people around him, the people Crowley now cared about.

There’s coming to grips with the understanding that possessing a meatsuit is a horrible, violating experience for that person.

And that being this broken, corrupted thing is something Crowley wants to get away from, forget about, suppress. And as he increasingly becomes one of the boys, it’s something he tries – without success – to put behind him. “Would you believe that I’d almost forgotten?...Forgot what I was.”

Crowley’s road to redemption, his “transformation” in this fic, is slow. As appealing as the plot point of the demon cure was in canon, I couldn’t imagine the reforming of a soul of the demonic smoke to be anything other than slow, painful, and complicated. It had to be that way, it had to be something of value, to be a redemption that was actually earned.

Crowley’s humanity shines through a little at a time. In most of fanfiction, we go straight to the heart of the matter. That’s what we’re here for. But it’s so much more impactful when the glimpses of Crowley’s feelings and humanity are rare, and veiled behind snark, dismissal, and misdirection.

Crowley has moments of both begrudged self-reflection and open admission. He surprises himself in moments with the sincerity of his own remarks.

Grapples with longing for humanity and the good aspects that come with that, as much as he hates human weakness.

He often considers himself not human enough, and is hard on himself for that.

He learns to ask for help, and the scene in which he asks for help in completing the cure is something I longed to see play out in canon.

There is a scene where a character can see Crowley’s true form – what an angel sees when looking at humans, demons and other beings – and can see that it’s healing from the corrosive effects of damnation and being on Hell’s rack. This is something that I’ve never explored in my own work, but have often thought about and wondered how to visualize for the reader. Visualize Crowley “regaining pieces of his soul,” as Eliot in Leverage recently put it.

There are moments in the fic in which Crowley’s demonic instincts and humanity align, have the same goal, which is something I love and would have wanted to see explored in canon.

At one particular vulnerable moment, Crowley admits to the cure having saved him – “You saved me” – from the damage done to a soul corrupted into a demon. Saved him from himself, stopping him from doing more evil in the future.

The tragedy of that, of course, is that the Winchesters didn’t save Crowley intentionally, didn’t do it for Crowley’s sake, and because of that, Crowley in canon could only begrudge having been transformed from an “icy, unfeeling, ruthless, perfect” demon into a “messy, emotional” shadow of himself.

Even as Crowley laments “not being human enough” in this fic, he is also conflicted about not being demon enough.

The part of Crowley that still revels in depravity and violent strength, in ultimate power, can’t stand the idea of being weakened by human nature. He can’t believe he’s starting to feel all those rainbow, feel-good emotions that make such fools of the Winchesters and their kind.

Equally, not being demon enough undermines Crowley’s legitimacy as King of Hell. If he isn’t the most ruthless, sadistic, uncaring monster out there, he isn’t fit to rule Hell. And not being the king, who is he? And from where does he obtain his power, his means of security and self-preservation? It is as much an existential crisis as it is a matter of wanting to hold onto ill-gotten power and authority.

Giving into his more human side, “would he even be able to rule Hell,” or would he be reduced back to the nothing that he was before bashing his way through the ranks?

And if he gives up humanity for being King? For power? At least then “I’ll have power. I’ll have respect. I’ll have the best a demon can have. The best I can have…It’s all I can do.”

Even in admitting letting go of humanity secures him power, Crowley admits that he chooses that because it’s all he thinks he’s worthy of, a sad consolation prize. Crowley never admits as much in canon, but I absolutely read all this as the reason for his inability to let go of Hell and move to join the Winchesters sooner.

Crowley’s perspective on being king in this fic and how that perspective changes over the course of the slow burn is perhaps the greatest strength of the fic.

Throughout much of the fic, Crowley legitimately loves being king. He loves the authority, he loves the power. The fic leans heavily on his cunning and strategic mind, something that canon failed to capitalize on after Crowley became a second-tier member of Team Free Will. While reading, I honestly believed that the author was writing a Crowley that loved the crown and would begrudge giving it up.

But slowly, what he loves about being a king cannot outweigh everything he hates about Hell, demonkind, and what being king costs him.

Very much in line with canon, Crowley gets to a point where he is forced to admit to himself that despite all the perks and benefits, he actually hates being the King of Hell.

He believes he has to keep being king to keep Hell in line and less of a threat – just like in canon. And uses that as a justification, along with love of power, to remain trapped in his own personal hell.

A few aspects of being King of Hell that the fic explores that canon doesn’t include:

The brilliant idea that “Hell chooses who leads it.” Demonic loyalty shifts from an unsuitable leader to a powerful alternative, and when that loyalty shifts, the power of Hell shifts from to that particular demon or Knight of Hell. That’s what gives the king (or queen) of Hell their immense power and legitimizes their authority. Love that idea – it almost makes it like a…demonocracy.

Crowley feels responsible towards the overall protection of demonkind. This is somewhat suggested in canon, such as when Crowley refers to Bobby Singer as being a surge to “his kind.” But it doesn’t have quite the paternalistic quality to it, compared to in the fic when Crowley gets angry that Abaddon is using “his subjects” as cannon fodder against angels. “Yes, they were traitorous, weak-minded prats, but they were still his.”

But the most significant aspect of Hell and demons this fic explores – in my opinion – is how Hell turns souls into demons. Falling Skies delves into Crowley’s own torture on the rack, “he kept seeing flashes – brief, vivid visions, memories” of “blood and laughter and screaming ad begging and pain.”

Souls are strapped to the rack and torn apart, “destroyed brick by brick…violated and torn down” and then, made into a demon, “pieced back together into something else…something evil. Something poisonous and wrong.” This unmaking so as to create from the ruins departs from the idea that a soul caves or gives into to evil in Hell, and instead invests in the idea that it is something done to them, that it is a perversion of everything that they are, which in my opinion is a much more compelling take on demons.

Hell doesn’t only take a soul’s humanity, it takes their memories as well. Crowley references how “his torture in Hell had been enough to erase almost every part of his human life. He honestly only knew the barest details of the man that was Fergus.”

What he does remember is primarily the bad memories, as if Hell intentionally allowed him to hold onto those memories to either fuel his damnation or to discourage him from being nostalgic for his human life.

Much of what Crowley actually feels, even as a demon, is suppressed, “drowned in smoke”, numbing him to his actions and clouding his own thoughts and emotions in Hell’s influence. “He’d never realized how much he’d lost, how much he’d blocked out, how much he hadn’t even thought was worth remembering.”

All of this significantly influenced my own ideas about what it meant to be a demon – to be a semi-cured demon – and Crowley’s existential struggle.

Some smaller, more personal characteristics of Crowley that this fic influenced in my own writing include:

Crowley being a cook, and rolling his eyes at the boys fearing he’s going to poison them

Crowley referring to or thinking of the Winchesters as “his humans” rather than him being “their demon”

Crowley stating in fanfiction long before that final scene in 12x23 that he “always wins”

pointing out how even before the cure, he has carried his own weight in the saving-the-world department. “Who helped you stop the apocalypse? Me. Who helped you take out Castiel when he tried to pay god? Me. Who helped you stop Dick and his cronies? Me! ARE YOU NOTICING A TREND HERE?”

In this fic, Crowley takes a younger meatsuit – the son of his canon meatsuit. Which made me very uncomfortable and felt hypocritical, because by this point, Crowley is very much one of the good guys and should have had qualms about that. But then angelic powers make it possible for Crowley to take that meatsuit and the person is snapped back into existence, whole and unaware, and Crowley is visibly relieved by that. Vessels and meatsuits has always been something that the canon never properly addressed or explored. And while Crowley taking just a younger version of his vessel felt like ageism here, at least the author addressed the moral complications of his choice.

Crowley’s central, guiding concept of redemption and what it means to do the right thing was also established for me in this fic.

He has the chance to murder the demon that tortured him, that led him on his path to damnation. The demon attempts to play the mortality card, telling Crowley to “kill again and blacken your heart even more.” And Crowley, in perfect character, replies “in for a penny, in for a pound.”

Crowley truly believes himself to be beyond redemption, but that he can use his damnation as another resource in the larger fight for what is right. If he’s already damned, no reason to hold back – he can do the ugly, messy things the others can’t, what might even need to be done to secure the win for Team Free Will.

He reflects on his changing perspective of morality, how he thought good and evil were just human concepts that got in way, that people mistakenly draw line between good and evil when really it’s a spectrum that people move up and down all the time.

What he comes to believe in, with his semi-restored humanity, is choices. “That night that Sam had injected him with human blood, that night he’d come close to being saved (or doomed?), he had seen the darkness inside of himself, and he had hated it…there was good and evil within everyone, or at least the potential for it. What mattered was what side you chose, or at least which you chose the most often, which you kept trying to fight your way back to…For the time being, Crowley was not evil. And really, he rather liked that.”

That idea of Crowley fighting his way back to a better version of himself, to his morality and humanity being defined by his choices – that is central to me in Crowley’s character and road to redemption.

Much of Crowley’s relationship with the boys post-cure for me was based on this fic as well.

With the cure coursing through him, seeing Dean as an actual person for the first time.

His professional respect for them morphing into admiration, into protectiveness, because “they tried. And that should count for something, damn it.”

His understanding that the boys’ don’t just use people up – they do so by giving them something to believe in, something to fight for, and letting the cause use them up.

Dean making a deal with the angels to kill the King of Hell, and being unable to go through with it, then choosing to stand between Crowley and the angels.

Crowley recognizing his and Cas’ similarities, discussing with him the benefits and difficulties of being human or semi-human.

He and Cas getting a drink together and sharing their woes.

Cas admitting that his old angelic biases being in the way of seeing before how alike they are.

Crowley and Cas joking that in their team-up, Crowley is Dean and Cas is Sam.

Idea explored in this fic that I loved and want to flesh out in a fic:

Closing the Gates of Hell means all the demons, including Crowley, will be trapped down there forever. And a) Crowley considers or b) the Winchesters consider without telling Crowley - turning him human so that he won’t be trapped down there with demonkind.

A third or even second attempt at the cure might not be possible, or not take full effect.

Turning a soul into a demon takes proper time, that “hurrying the torture, letting out the souls before they’re fully cooked…churning out demons with bits of human still left in them. You’d think it would make them less dangerous, but it just makes them a hell of a lot worse. They’re out of their minds and out of control.”

And I very much appreciated that it referenced the reality that in killing a possessed meatsuit, the boys were killing a victim, a possessed person. That is something that sort of fell away and became an acceptable collateral damage, and never sat very well with me.

Falling Skies also introduced a loyal lackey for Crowley by the name of Laharl who I loved as a character. Crowley very much needed that someone in later seasons.

Castiel attempting to heal Crowley, and him suffering an instinctual fear that the angel intends to smite him.

The boys – and Crowley – struggling with the unwelcome knowledge that if Crowley chooses to become king again, there will come a time when their interests don’t align, and they will have to be enemies again. How much Crowley doesn’t want that, can’t bear the thought he might hurt them again.

I know this is a really long review. And I honestly don’t expect anyone to read it all the way through. I wrote it more for myself than anything. Because, even though there is plenty about the way that I write Crowley that differs from the way this author did, there is also so much here that influenced my understanding of him and his road to redemption. When there was no other fanfiction about Crowley fighting his way out of the dark, about choosing the Winchesters and to be better, there was Falling Skies. And I will always be immensely grateful for that.

Read the fic on AO3

[casmybelovedass]

The Destiel Folder: Season 7

[Season 4; Season 5; Season 6]

This season is mostly Dean being a depressed bi who can't cope with his crush's death.

This is, in my opinion, the season where Dean actually starts realizing he might for real think of Cas as something more.

Episode 1:

Cas is basically gone, both Bobby and Sam (almost) are ready to compel to whatever he says, but Dean still tries to get him to come back. "You can turn this around. Please!" (3:13) Denial

Dean has no idea how to deal with God!Castiel, but desperate to find him, and getting emotional "I don't even know what book to hit for this." "Then figure it out!" (5:47) Anger

As we have said many times already, angels don't have a sex, Castiel is not a man, and as he states, he is "utterly indifferent to sexual orientation" (8:03), and so is Chuck, God himself, who has admitted having had both girlfriends and boyfriends.

Dean turns off the news the moment he hears a woman describe Cas as "young and sexy", while doing that jaw clentch thing of his (10:14) ... huh... [and this doesn't really matter, but after this we immediately see Dean in a purple flannel. PURPLE! Go Bi!Dean]

"He's not a guy, he's a God [...] Cas is never coming back. He's lied to us, he's used us, he's cracked your gourd like it was nothing. No more talk. We've spent enough on him." (11:09) Dean trying to jump to the 5th stage of grief. Yeah, no baby that's not how it works

Dean tries so hard to convince himself that Cas's gone so he can kill him, but can't really. "Just kill him now!" and struggles hard to hold Castiel's glare. And as soon as Death offers a second option to killing him, Dean takes it. Bargening

"Dean, look, I know you think Cas is gone." "That's because he is." (31:22) Again with trying to jump to acceptance. Not doing great, Dean. In fact, "Yeah, you know how I'm gonna deal? I'm gonna stuff my pie hole, I'm gonna drink, and I'm gonna watch some asian cartoon porn. And act like the world's about to explode, because it is." (32:17) There it is. Depression.

[Remember this: Dean has no shame in watching porn in front of his brother. Wait a few seasons and see]

Just moments earlier, Dean was all "That's not Cas, Cas is dead" and shit, and now he goes "What? You need something else?" worried-husband-mode the moment Cas asks for help (34:50). Also#MARRIED (35:16)

Bobby: "Where's Sam? It's go time." Dean: *looks back at Cas worried* (37:12)

MUST HELP HUSBAND (38:06) look at Dean's eyes!!! They're like 'It's okay, it's okay. You've got this.' "I'm sorry, Dean." Cas chose these words to be his last, thinking he was going to die. LOOK AT DEAN (38:21) ICWAW this would MEAN SOMETHING ELSE

"CAS! [...] Is he breathing? ... Maybe angels don't need to breathe." says the one who was going around saying Cas was gone for good. "He's gone, Dean." "... damn it... *tears up* Cas, you child... Why didn't you listen to me." #MARRIED (39:15) Then he goes "CAS?!" as soon as he starts breathing again. ICWAW, we would SCREAM "LOVE" in this scene

"Imma find some way to redeem myself to you *looks at Dean straight in the eyes*" "*looks at Cas up and down*... Alright, well, one thing at the time, come on. Let's get you out of here." "I mean it, Dean." *eye love-making* "... Okay." (40:30) ICWAW, oooohhh, the meanings this scene would have...

Dean's face when the Leviathans tell him Cas is dead. Again. (41:18)

Episode 2:

Dean looking at the Leviathans occupying Cas' body. The HATE (1:44)

"... okay... so he's gone. *shakes while tearing up* [...] Dumb son of a bitch..." (5:14) Here we go again... I'm fine, shut up

Dean picks up, washes, folds and keeps Cas' coat (5:23) SWEET

"You just lost one of the best friends you've ever had." this hurts me. "... I'm fine, really." (12:11)

"You asked me how I was doing? Well, not good." (38:54)

Episode 5:

Dean progressively drinks more as his nightmares get worse and he misses Cas more and more. 3 times we see him drink, only in the first 12 minutes.

Sam can tell Dean feels like shit, and bet one of those reasons is Cas "Like it or not, the stuff you don't talk about, it doesn't just go away. It builds up." (39:33) Yeah, and not only problems or grief... even love

Episode 7:

Not a destiel moment, but Dean totally got hit on by the waiter. LOL (7:30)

And again. What is it with men in this town and Dean. "We're looking for a necklace." "Romantic. *looks at Dean*" (12:17). Is it an energy reading thing or something? Can they feel the bi energy?

"The Campbell brothers. [...] They weren't actually brothers. That was a cover for their, uhm... alternative life style." (22:40) Huh... I guess calling your lover "brother" runs in the family

"Ever since Cas... I'm having a hard time trusting anybody." (40:44) ouch

Episode 9:

Dean is drunk/high on Leviathan juice, and the first thing he thinks and blabbers about, is Cas (19:48) "I don't even care anymore." Oooohh ICWAW... the possibilities for this scene

Episode 12:

Dean totally checked out that man in uniform. FIGHT ME (16:27)

Episode 13:

"You're head's not in it, man. When Cas died, you were wobbly, but now-" "Now what!!" (39:35) as soon as Sam mentions Cas' death, Dean gets snappy

Episode 17:

Dean keeps getting snappy whenever Sam mentions Cas

"OH my God the love of my life is alive!" (13:02-13:06)

Dean's face when Daphne touches Cas (13:25), and when he calls her his wife (13:41)

AND HIS FUCKING FACE TRYING NOT TO TEAR UP BECAUSE CAS DOESN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT HIM (14:16)

You mean to tell me that ICWAW this wouldn't be seen as a mini desperation moment from a man seeing his lover in this situation? Yeah, I don't think so

"What if you were some sort of... I don't know, bad guy." "I... I don't feel like a bad person." Dean's face is like "Damn right you aren't" (16:50)

"He betrayed you, this dude. He was your friend?" Dean looking at him... can't even answer the question (19:59)

Dean says Cas' betrayal is something he cant get over like everything else. And that he doesn't know why. "It doesn't matter why." "Of course it matters!" (20:25)

Dean gets visibly uneasy about Meg being so close to Cas (25:34) jealous boyfriend is jealous

Dean doesn't want Cas to remember, afraid he'll leave again (32:18)

"I've known you for years!" (32:34) poor baby. Also "You're an angel." "Uhm, I'm sorry? Is that a flirtation?" DEAN'S FACE (32:42)

Dean doesn't want Cas to be hurt by his own memories and past actions (33:00)

"You used to fight together. Bestest friends, actually." Yeah, look at that reaction. Let's see how he reacts to being called his boyfriend later on (33:09)

#MARRIED!!! I'll just leave this. No comment (33:41)

As Cas regains his memories, only 2 of the ones we see are not of Dean. And the only one we hear is the "I'm sorry, Dean." . That is what matters to Cas (and this looks like a slash video. Kudos to the editors) "I remember you... I remember everything." Yeah, no-homo save (34:35)

Not even an hour earlier, Dean was ranting about Cas betraying him, how he couldn't forget and forgive him, and now he is saying Cas did "the best you could at the time", but Cas actually feels guilt and doesn't want Dean to defend him, but Dean does anyway (36:53)

"We didn't part as friends, Dean." "*looks at Cas up and down*... So what?" "I deserved to die." the look on Dean's face (37:18)

Dean gives Cas his trench coat back. The trench coat he kept, folded and all the the truck, for weeks. And that's not even Baby. So he moved the coat, to always have it with him (37:26). I'm not crying, shut up

Also, here, have a deleted scene that breaks my heart

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Episode 20:

Let us all appreciate that one time Dean helped a lesbian flirt with a dude (24:27-25:03)

Episode 21:

Dean is devastated about Cas' mental state, that he did that to himself to save Sam. Look at his eyes in this scene (16:08). Also, Dean still resents Cas for the whole 'New God' crap, but it feels like the real reason is the fact that he left (19:18)

"Cas! Don't make me pull this car over!" "Are you angry? Why are you angry? *puppy eyes*" "... No I-I'm..." #MARRIED (27:28)

Cas says he won't fight anymore, but as soon as Dean's in trouble, he FLIPS

"The angels... they don't care... I think maybe they don't have the equipment to care." (31:49) Touchy much, Dean?, are you trying to convince yourself about that? It feels like he's making excuses to not let himself feel anything for Cas. "It seems like when they try, it just... breaks them apart." ... OK, fuck everything, ICWAW this would totally be seen as romantic angsty reference to Cas

Cas is so lost in his guilt for what he has caused. He looks like a baby, and it gets worse when it comes to Dean

"Why should we give you anything? After everything you have taken from us? The very touch of you curropts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!" (36:50) okay damn, ICWAW all of this would seem as if they were talking about a love relationship between the two and you can't tell me otherwise

'HURT HUSBAND-MUST PROTECT MODE' (37:17)

"The bone of a righteous mortal and the blood of a fallen angel" ... shut up, I'm dying over these clues (39:11)

"What are you gonna do, Cas?" Dean's eyes are begging him to stay. ICWAW, we would point that out without a shadow of a doubt (39:40)

Episode 23:

"Dude... on my car. He showed up naked... covered in bees!" ... come on, ICWAW this would be a HUGE deal (5:10)

"Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first." (8:51) LISTEN HERE. I study psychology, and one of the first things they teach you is that jokes are based on the truth. HOW MANY OF THESE JOKES WERE MADE?! HUH??!! (plus all the "Dick" jokes Sam made) Also Dean's reaction with the jaw clentch... just saying

Cas keeps stating he doesn't want to fight, but again, Dean's in trouble? FIGHT MODE

"*soft shoulder touch, puppy eyes, serves Dean a sandwich*" ... SOFT #MARRIED COUPLE (18:27)

"You got anything to say on the topic of dicks?" you'd like that, wouldn't you, Dean? (26:42)

Cas is afraid he will do something to cause Dean more trouble. Let's remember he chose what he believed were his last words to be "I'm sorry, Dean.", but as we know, Dean deals with feelings by showing anger... Cas gets upset and copes by playing twister... pathetic. "I can't help. [...] I destroyed everything and I will destroy everything again!" for a moment, Cas is lucid, and expresses his fear, but as soon as Dean gets angry with him, Cas gows back to hide in his world of crazy (26:47)

"I'm not good luck, Dean." "... You know what? [...] I'd rather have you. Cursed or not." Look at Cas' soft little smile as it grows. ICWAW, this would be read as another confession (32:38)

"I'll go with you." SOFT

SEE??! The MOMENT Dick threatens Dean, Cas goes full Angel of the Lord on his ass. MUST PROTECT HUSBAND (36:52) and the utter shock on Dean's face is priceless

And here comes PurGAYtory

[Season 8>>]