#carmen berzatto x OC

[queers-gambit]

Silence

prompt: ( requested ) anxiety plays tricks on your mind, making you mistake your boyfriend's stress for anger - at you.

pairing: Carmen 'Carmy' Berzatto x female!reader

fandom masterlist: FX's The Bear

word count: 2.5k+

note: it's short but to the point.

warnings: cursing, hurt and comfort, depiction of mental health: anxiety, slight self-destructive thoughts.

Silence could be a good thing.

Libraries were silent for ample focus. Theaters were silent during the showing. Sometimes, long drives were peacefully silent.

Silence could also be a bad thing.

Demanding an explanation and the silence stretches. The silence before a doctor delivers life-changing news. Asking someone if they're okay and they don't answer.

When your boyfriend, Carmy, had returned from work that evening, he slammed the front door, dropped his backpack, toed out of his shoes, and stormed around the apartment silently. He didn't greet you, didn't offer a kiss, nothing - just breezed past you as if a pile of dirty laundry he's ignored for the past two weeks. You watched him from the kitchen, sipping a glass of wine, worry sprouting in your gut and chest. It was obvious something was bothering him - but couldn't fathom what it was that made him ignore you; to make him not look at you one single time.

It was like you weren't even there with the way he projected his moodiness. Even on his worst days, he always always always greeted you with a kiss; but the lack of affection hallowed your chest into a pit, wondering what you had done to make him avoid you.

Suddenly, the silence was eerily deafening, coiling your stomach and pumping lead through your veins; no TV or radio switched on to fill the void and create passive, background audio. Carmy was obviously upset about something, but the fact that he didn't even look at you made you think he didn't want to talk. This worried you because before dating, you and Camry Berzatto were the best of friends; talking about literally any and everything you could think of. He came to you with every single grievance, every frustration, every slice of drama - so why wouldn't he now?

Unless... Unless you were the cause of his annoyance? The idea made the pit in your chest stretch to your gut - anxiety rapidly spreading, confusion warping rational thought into something darker and self deprecating. The idea of upsetting Carmy - or anyone, for that matter - was enough to bubble nausea and turn your skin clammy. Muscles tensed, eyes darted, and your mind was plagued with every single thing you had said or done in the past 16 hours.

However, your memory couldn't pinpoint any moment you could've upset him; things had been normal and easy-going lately, there being no clear indication you were the culprit of Carmy's anger. However, there didn't need to be anything clear because your mind was fully convinced you were the bad guy now.

After swallowing a gulp of wine, your eyes adverted to give him privacy and begin on dinner; being obvious that his phone was much more important than you right now. Unfortunately, when it came to picking which sauce to dress your meal with, you were forced to slowly enter the living room where your boyfriend had taken refuge.

"Hey, baby?"

"Hmm?"

You tried not to be offended by his lack of verbal acknowledgement, but your intestines flipped and grew heavy. "Uh, just wondering, you want the marinara or Alfredo tonight with the - "

"Doesn't matter, you choose."

"I mean, which would you prefer?"

"I just said it didn't matter," he repeated with a hardening tone, "it's not like it's a difficult decision to make."

You didn't want to make his attitude worse, so you backed off silently and returned to your task. Yes, yes, Carmy was the professional cook between you but that didn't mean he wanted to come home and continue the act. So, you learned a few new recipes to keep meals interesting - a feat your boyfriend didn't seem to appreciate or even recognize most days. Tonight especially.

Tension tangibly filled the apartment the longer the silence stretched. Your mind conjured a hundred questions at once, begging your mouth to run rapidly if it meant getting answers - yet your logic stuck the words in your throat, refusing to let them fly, and even shoving them deep down for your soul to hold.

You poured a second glass of wine, throat thickening with silent emotion. There was always the worry in the back of your mind that Carmy would one day realize you didn't fit into his life and would break up with you. Or that perhaps, his irritation tonight wasn't due to anything you did specifically, but instead, was attested to your normal behavior and quirks - like the want to talk throughout the day.

Blinking the moisture away, you remembered Carmy hadn't answered a single one of your texts the entire day - a normal act for you, but maybe one that now got on your boyfriend's nerves. You dished up dinner, standing in the open kitchen with two plates and feeling silly for the nerves prickling your skin. You barely noticed the slight tremor in your hands. "Dinner's ready, Carm," you alerted, leaving the plates on the kitchen island you normally ate at; distracted by the need to pour a glass of water.

When you turned, your heart stalled in your chest when you noticed his plate missing - locating him in the living room, again, and it being obvious he didn't intend to eat with you. Now you knew for sure, you had indeed done something. So, you gingerly took a seat and tried to take up as little space as possible; shying in on yourself, eating silently and quickly so you could do the dishes right after.

Sure, there was usually the rule that the cook didn't clean, but there was no way you were gonna ask Carmy to do the simple chore; afraid of pushing him over whatever edge he teetered at. After storing any leftovers, you started the dishwasher and retreated to your bedroom with another glass of wine and the intention to get a bath. You felt like a glaring inconvenience all of a sudden, regret inking your blood and reprimanding yourself for being so - so - so... Clingy?

Is that what it was? Did Carmy think you were clingy? Perhaps texting him throughout the day without him ever answering was the final straw of annoyance he felt toppled the haystack. You wanted to apologize and eliminate the tension, but couldn't necessarily understand what you were sorry for; thinking you were simply paying attention to him, being attentive and interested in his everyday life.

Maybe you needed to apologize for being suffocating? Was that it? Your love was suffocating him? Was he feeling pressured by you? Did he think you two too comfortable in this relationship? Was your wall of texts an indication you were more serious than he? Oh, God, was that it - did Carmy think you were getting too serious, too fast?

Granted it'd been a few years of dating, a lifetime of friendship before that - so how much more serious could you get? Why would your attempts of communication rub him the wrong way? How could the pair of you ever manage to fall off from the same page? Make him think you were pushing for something more? Didn't he know he was enough for you? Didn't he appreciate your presence? The want to be closer? Your desire to maintain the friendship your relationship was built off of? The appreciation you had for him? The support you wanted to offer?

You soaked in epsom salt for the better part of half an hour. Draining the tub, drying off, and changing into pajamas were done silently; feeling almost fearful to venture out of the bedroom to return your wine glass to the sink.

So you decided to just get in bed, figuring if Carmy was so angry at you that it resulted in him ignoring you, he wouldn't want to sleep beside you, either. With your thick framed glasses on, you nestled into bed with your newest novel, trying not to let your mind go into overdrive as your need to fix whatever was upsetting Carmy was overwhelming. Yet there was also the nagging idea that trying to fix whatever was 'broken' would've made things worse - again, resulting in you doing nothing and giving Carmy his space.

The silence haunted the apartment like a ghostly presence; leering over your heads, embracing you uncomfortably.

When the bedroom door opened, you masked your surprise and just read the same paragraph three times in a row - distracted by your boyfriend milling around, preparing for bed. Your eyes widened in shock when the bed dipped and shifted, jostling you as Carmy got into bed beside you, but you still didn't look up from your book.

"What're you reading, sweetheart?"

His mood swings often gave you whiplash. You glanced at Carmy, finger holding your place to let you fold the book over and present the title on the cover. You worried that anything you said and did could make this tension fester, so, you remained silent and went back to reading.

"Is it any good?" He pondered, watching your profile. You nodded mutely, lips slowly rolling between your teeth in a show of anxiety Carmy could now recognize. "Hey, hey, you all right, babe?" He asked softly, sounding mildly confused - perhaps even alarmed.

"Yeah, 'course," you mumbled.

"Well, how was work?"

"Fine."

"You sure?"

"Mhm."

There was a brief pause, then Carmy gently pried, "C'mon, baby, what's wrong? Why're you so quiet?" He chuckled gently, "Usually so talkative in the evenings."

You offered him a bewildered look with slightly pinched brows, swallowing nervously and slowly shutting your book to trace the spine mindlessly in an effort to distract yourself. Typically when anxious, your hands needed stimulation, something tangible to do and feel when your mind numbed with nervousness.

With a great deal of bravery, more than you thought was necessary to muster when talking to the person you love, you asked softly, "Are you mad at me, Carm? I mean, did I do something? T-To upset you?"

"Wait, what?" He asked in confusion. "Nah, baby, you didn't do anything, why would you even ask?"

"'Cause you've been ignoring me...?"

He scoffed, "Ah, 'cause I didn't answer your texts?"

"That, and you've been ignoring me in favor of your phone since you got home. Slamming doors, brooding in the living room, didn't eat dinner with me - got a little snappy when I asked what sauce for dinner? Feels like I did something but I don't know what, so I don't know how to fix this."

Carmy sighed, leaning back to the mound of soft and fluffed pillows you had stacked on your shared bed. "Shit," he breathed, huffing a dramatic sigh, "didn't even realize I was doin' all that, baby."

"If you're mad, just tell me what I did - "

"No, no, hey, hey, hey, hey," he rushed, turning on his side to look at you, elbow supporting his weight; clocking the glassiness coating your eyes. "You didn't do anything, baby, I swear. There's nothing for you to fix 'cause you didn't do nothin'. I just - I've been havin' a shit day, didn't realize I was bein' mean to you let alone that you'd take it to heart."

"Kinda hard not to when I'm the only one here."

"No, right, I get that," he sighed. "I'm sorry, baby, I know you get anxious when I shut down like that, but I promise, I'm not mad at you."

"Well, who else would you be mad at? I thought you were annoyed 'cause I was texting you all day. Thought I was, I don't know, being clingy or something since you didn't answer me."

Carmen frowned, "Sweetheart, no, hang on, listen to me. You didn't do anything to upset me, okay? I didn't answer you 'cause I dropped my phone in the sink and it got all glitchy, I couldn't answer you. I tried to fix it when I got home, but I think I fried it - should just get a new one. It was just one of those days that everything went to shit, it all built up, got the better of me."

You nodded, still looking dejected and making a shot of guilt plunge his heart. "You usually talk to me when you're upset," you pointed out softly, "and when you didn't say anything, I thought I was the reason you were upset. Figured you wouldn't talk to me if I did something to cause your attitude."

"No, hey, I'm sorry, c'mere, baby," he opened his arms and curled them around you when you shuffled into his chest. "Shit, I'm really sorry, I didn't even realize what I was doing - but Goddamnit, that's no excuse, though. I don't mean t'take my shit out on you, you don't deserve that."

"I just got a little nervous, maybe let my anxiety get the better of me."

"That's okay," he promised, kissing your forehead, "I can understand why. I was a dickhead, being snappy and ignoring you when all you do is support and love me. I'm real sorry, sweetheart," he sighed against your skin, tightening his arms to keep you cocooned in his warmth. "You know, you can always talk to me - don't gotta shut yourself down and avoid me."

"Do you even hear yourself? Should take your own advice."

"Yeah, I should," he smirked. "Hey, promise I'll do better not to shut down like that."

You nodded in acceptance, wondering softly, "Do you wanna talk about it? Whatever happened today?"

"Uh, nah, you know what? Think I owe you some cuddles, maybe a dessert? You know, to make up for my bullshit attitude."

"You don't have to - "

"I got you all worked up, feels like the least I can do."

With a hum, you smirked, "I won't say no to a slice of cheesecake."

"What baby wants, she gets," he grinned, a hand caressing your cheek to direct your eyes up to his. His thumb swept back and forth under your eye, "Still sorry about today. I didn't mean to be such an oblivious dickhead, I swear."

You nodded, "I know, baby. Just don't shut me out next time. Had me worried when you didn't even kiss me when you got home."

"A heinous crime on my part," Carmy smirked. "Should I remedy that?"

"I'd be offended if you didn't."

He chuckled and pressed his lips to yours in a soothing kiss, hand sliding to the back of your neck. It was a slow and languid kiss, something he took his time in engaging; lips sticking together, moving in-sync, creating chains of saliva when he pushed his tongue against yours. "Yeah," he mumbled, "I'm the dumb fuck who had you thinkin' I didn't want this from you." He pressed another kiss to your waiting lips, "You're intoxicating, baby - always want your kisses. Yeah? Always. The day I don't, take me out back like Old Yeller."

You wanted to voice that he wanted your kisses now until one day, he simply wouldn't - but refrained from doing so because you knew it was just anxiety talking. So, instead, you chuckled at his comment and leaned in to initiate your own kiss.

requesting rules and masterlist

FX's The Bear masterlist

[carmenized-onions]

The Other Shoe | Consultation

logline; old wounds tend not to heal, if you don't let them. but, there is hot chocolate, and love. so perhaps that's enough.

[!!!] series history, this is the seventh; First, Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth

Spotify Playlist, if you like to listen while you read. I listen to it when I write :) Constantly gettin’ added to. Finally got Hozier on here. Don't know how that took me so long.

portion; 3.1k

possible allergies; two absolutely garbage mental states of people who are NOT over Mikey or the way they've been treated. Bunch of self-loathin, the whole lot.

pairing; Carmen ‘Carmy’ Berzatto & Fem Reader (no pronouns!)

Took me a minute, new jobs goin' well though!! This one took a lot of stewing, lmao. Lot of staring and thinking. We'll talk after, but SO many alterations were made lmao.

It has been three weeks since you met Carmen in a freezer.

Six days since you were at his apartment. Ish.

Roughly forty-three weeks since the worst day of your life. Doesn’t feel like it.

In five days, you’ll have the second— Well, maybe third or fourth, worst day of your life.

But today is Monday, and you don’t know what’s coming yet.

It’s just after one in the morning, and you wake up to a phone call. Carmy. Yes, do not disturb was on. Yes, you’d set him on priority access— Which most people would find very cute and intimate, and it is— But he’s not the only one. It’s not a limited feature for people you want to kiss. There’s Syd, Richie, …Mikey���

Cause when is the right time to delete a dead friend’s contact info? It’s not right now. You know it’s not right now. And it probably won’t be tomorrow, either.

Phone call. You’re getting a phone call.

“Carm?”

“…”

You stir a little, bit, when there’s no reply, brain dehazing. “Carmy? Everything okay?”

You hear the beep of the phone call being ended. No way he butt-dialed you, right? You’re awake. You’re so awake. This feels all too familiar, and that's not a good thing. You immediately open your phone to text him, by the time you get to his contact, he’s already texted you. Actively texting you, in a rapid, manic succession.

‘fuck’

‘sorry’

‘you were supposed to be asleep’

Hm.

‘talking to a person hard right now?’

‘yes’

‘you’re so smart.’

‘easier to talk to robot you.’

‘wowwww’

It’s hard to write funny, right now. It’s hard to act like yourself, right now. You’re not sure how you’re doing it.

‘not what I meant’

‘I know. You’re you.’

‘you wanna send a voice message maybe?’

‘it’s fine. I’ll text.’

You give him time, you expect a paragraph since he’s taking so long, but instead you get,

‘can’t.’

‘carmen.’

‘I like you so much.’ Oh be still your stupid heart.

‘feeling is mutual.’

‘I can’t make my problems the only reason I talk to you’

Is that true? Fuck, that's kind of true, isn't it? But there's the puzzles! And there's been phone calls!

‘You talk to me for other reasons’

‘yeah. But it’s mostly problems’

‘with me.’

‘eh. Not really. Walk-in was you, toilet was Mikey, Nat had a baby, I’d consider the oven a shared problem of you and Syd’

‘oven was my fault’

He types for even longer this time. It’s hard not to interrupt him. When you start to type, he sends.

‘can I come over?’

‘I know it’s late’

‘I’ll come pick you up.’

‘no’

‘I’ll walk. I’ll be there in 20.’

‘it’s not a problem to pick you up.’ It's a problem if he doesn't let you pick him up.

‘I know.’

‘promise I just wanna walk. Get air.’

God, why are your fucking hands shaking he just wants to walk. He just wants to walk. Why can’t you bring yourself to believe people when they say that anymore?

Everything’s normal. It’s been a good six days for Carm, you know that it’s been a good six days. Everything's normal. You’ve kept a puzzle streak every morning, you’ve called him some nights, he’s called you some nights. He’s had a good week. He told you so. Everything's normal. You’ve vaguely flirted in that extremely sexual yet completely nonsensical way new situationships do, via text. People don’t do that when they’re on the brink of death, right? Everything's normal. Stop playing with your pendant. Relax. Put a shirt on. Stop being so fucking paranoid. Stop typing—!

‘can you do me a favour’

‘anything’

‘can you turn your location on for me’

‘not to be invasive. You can turn it off when you get here, I—’

Before you can even finish typing your explanation, let alone send it, he sends his location, trackable. He’s already walking.

‘be there in 18.’

You watch, with bated breath, his little contact photo bubble marching across Chicago to you. You make yourself mildly presentable and make hot chocolate on the stove—Gotta use milk, for Carmen— For when he comes to you, out of the cold. Because he’s going to come to you. He’s gonna be here. He’s gonna be here. You know that because you’ve been keeping your phone screen open and only look away to ensure you don’t pour milk on your stovetop and to blink.

He's here in eighteen minutes. You think if you had a stop watch going on, it’d be down to the millisecond. You open the door for him, before he can even knock. You watched his bubble walk up to your door. No point in waiting. You need to see him.

He’s breathing heavy. Held tight in his fist is a bundle of flowers— Importantly, not a bouquet, a bundle of flowers—Like, roots still on a few, visibly yanked out of the ground. Though seemingly from different gardens, since there's quite a variety. He looks at you, then down at the flowers, then back to you.

“I— I stole these.”

“Had a feeling.” You wave your hand for him to come inside, he does. “Are you okay?”

His steps falter, he seems downtrodden. You take the flowers, and then take his hand. He hesitates to speak, but he’s really trying to say fucking something. You squeeze his hand, it seems to help.

“I—” He swallows the spit caught in his throat. “I didn’t know— I— No. No, I did know— I knew the one place I had to come was, here. Had to go somewhere.”

You nod, you look over him. Silently doing a wellness check. You’re panicked. You’re so panicked. But he can’t know that. This is about him. You’re the one that takes care of people. He’s clean. He smells like Old Spice and you. He’s a little cold from the walk, he didn’t wear a jacket, but he’s warming up fast. He looks tired but not exhausted, which, for Carmy, is kind of as good as you’re going to get. He didn’t have the energy for a phone call, but he had the energy to come over and talk to your face; his social battery is wonky, but that’ll fix with time here. Is he hungry? That’s hard to tell on looks alone.

“You wanna talk about it, Bear?”

He nods, head down. Can’t look at you. You gently pull at his hand for him to follow you into the kitchen. “Made hot chocolate. You a marshmallow or whipped cream guy?”

His eyes are glassy, and his mood itself doesn’t change, but he does swiftly lift his head up to look at you with an incredulous, curious half smile. “You don’t do both?”

“I find it gets a lil’ busy. But I like the tiny marshmallows that come with the mix with whipped cream—”

“You gotta do actual cocoa.”

You roll your eyes. “I don’t like my hot chocolate to actually be rich. I want sweet.”

“You’re breaking my heart.”

“Good thing I’m a repairman, then.” You deadpan. He does actually seem to glow a little bit, at that. You repeat, hand full of flowers resting on your hip. “So both?”

“Both.”

He calms you down so easily, even when really, he was the oncoming stress— Or rather, your perceptions. He clears static for you, without effort. You nod, letting go of his hand— Slowly, withdrawing, like a silent promise that you will be back. You grab a paper towel and wrap the flowers in them, setting them down on the counter. You’ll plant them later. Honestly, kind of a better gift for you and your green thumb than a bouquet would be.

You turn to your oven to stir the pot of hot chocolate— Can’t have any fuckin’ clumps for Mr Michelin over here. Speaking of Michelin, he sidles up behind you and puts his head on your shoulder, hands hovering as if he’s going to hug your waist but simply cannot bring himself to.

He mumbles into your shoulder. “I lit my oven on fire.”

Ah. The oven was his fault. That's what he meant. When you pause and try to turn, that’s when he hugs you, holding you in place. “Please don’t look ‘t me.”

You take a deep breath, and continue to stir the pot. “Okay. I’m listening, not looking.”

“I did— I did it in my sleep. Not the first time. I think, I think they’re night terrors? But I don’t, don’t scream or nothin’— I don’t say shit actually. I don’t think.”

God, he’s insecure, even now, about how crazy you’ll think he is. Like telling your therapist everything that’s wrong with you except for the stuff that they might hospitalize you for. God, does he treat you like a fucking therapist? He’s awful. He’s awful for you. He’s awful for anyone. It doesn’t matter that you’re different— The common denominator is him. He’s a fucking piece of shit—

“I wake up screaming sometimes.” You reply, so softly. You feel his short nails dig into your sides just slightly for a second as he remembers where he is. He’s over your shoulder. No one’s over his. “Happens to the worst of us.”

You grab two mugs from the cupboard— Reaching with the arm he’s not leaning on. “Did you put it out or should I be calling my former C-F-D crew?”

“I put it out.” He notes your mugs. They’re mismatching. One is definitely handmade with messy floral patterns, the other a tourist trap Chicago mug.  They’re perfect. “I—I was cooking something, in my sleep— And then— Then the fire starts.”

You ladle the hot chocolate into the mugs— Usually you’d just pour it straight but you don’t want Carmen to watch you inevitably spill half of it on your counters. You nod, “Do you dream that you’re cooking?”

“K-Kinda? I’m not cooking, I’m the Head, the expediter— And, and my Exec is over my fucking shoulder and he’s— Just in my head.” He swallows, thinking of how to explain without explaining. “And then I wake up, and there’s a fire, and I watch it grow, and I think about what it would mean if I just let it, and how I’d want it to.”

“And then you put it out?”

“And then I put it out.”

“Do you wish you didn’t?”

“I don’t know. And it’s fucking with me. ‘Cause— ‘Cause things are really good right now.” You tense under him, and he knows it’s because you don’t believe him. “They are, they really really are. Sug bein’ away is… not easy, but, it’s, it’s okay—”

“Carm.” Your tone is so accusatory.

“It’s the same nightmare it used to be.” He doesn’t hesitate to correct as soon as you question it. He cannot lie to you. For one, you see right through him. For two, it’s you. You’d rather know he’s insane. For some reason. “It’s been hard. I— I know fuck all, about business, and, and we can’t afford to hire a fuckin’ replacement right now because we owe so much fucking money or the whole thing caves— But it’s— It’s been good.”

You grab a handful of mini marshmallows, splitting them between the two mugs. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He nods into your shoulder. “Everyone is… happy, right now. It’s not always fuckin’ breezy but— Everyone’s, everyone’s okay. And I have somethin’ I can actually be proud of, right now. And I have— I — You’re around. N’ that, that has been good. For everyone.”

You hum. Heart full, at that. You awkwardly shift to your fridge, waddling like a penguin instead of turning, as not to disturb Carmen, he chuckles against your shoulder. “You can tell me to fuck off, y’know.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want you to.” You hug his arm to you. This makes him squeeze just a little tighter. You pull out a half-empty can of Reddi-Wip, shaking it violently, as instructed. “Say when.”

You hover the can over the tourist mug, he shakes his head. “Other one.”

He wants the handmade one. Your fingerprints are grooved into the handle. You ignore how insane this makes you feel, and spray whipped cream into the handmade mug. You’re waiting for him to say when.

It’s getting to a concerningly tall pile, at this point. You feel him swallow. He finally says the quiet thought out loud.

“I think I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even in my sleep, I know it’s coming.”

You nod, you stop spraying. You think on it for a beat. You opt to be honest. “I am, too.” You nod. “I am, too.”

“What’d’you think it’s gonna be?”

You feel your neck flare red and hot, guilty. Horrifically guilty. Lifesaver. You spray whipped cream into your own mug. You don’t really want both whipped cream and marshmallows, but it’s a good way to disguise how shaky your hands are. You take a deep breath.

“Think you’re gonna realize I’m not as good as you think I am.”

He kind of, tugs at you, pulling you closer to him, as if to rebuke thee. “You’re very good, Tony.”

You just hum in reply, once again, the pile of whip cream grows— It sputters, and basically nothing is coming out, but you can’t bring yourself to move, so it continues to struggle. He lets you do this, for a moment, before softly, questioningly speaking your name.

You just hum, again. Everything’s fine. Everything’s normal. This isn’t even about you, this is about him. “I’m good.”

“You are.” He declares, like it’s law. He grabs the empty can from you hand and puts it on the counter, then turns you around to face him. You keep your head down, there’s every chance you throw up and die if you— “Look at me.”

“I know—” He does not give you the chance to excuse yourself, he grabs your chin, softly, but still, forces you to look at him.

“You’re very good.” Too much eye contact. Too close. Too sincere. Too much— “Too good, too good for anyone.”

Too good for him. You, of course, don’t think that. But that’s exactly why you’re too good. “I’m not gonna change my mind ‘bout that.”

“…Hope so.”

Carmen can see it, now. The way your jaw clenches, how you’re looking past him, not at him. The way you mirror how he imagines he looked in the walk-in, to you. He decides to take a page out of your book, and hugs you close. “Know so.”

Your chin hooks over his shoulder. You stare down the hall of your apartment, brain somewhere else. He stares over your shoulder at the hot chocolates, whipped cream slowly melting and overflowing onto the counters.

“You wanna talk about it?” He asks, and you can’t help but smile at the ridiculousness of it.

“I—It’s not—This about you, not me—”

“It’s both. It can be both.” The shared burden.

You sigh, putting your arms around his shoulders. “…I’ll talk about it eventually, I promise. Just not… Ready—Right now.” You’re not ready to risk him no longer liking you. You need a little more time to be selfishly avoidant. “Eventually, though.”

He nods. He gets it. He does it.

“How do you think the other shoe’s gonna drop? If it does?”

This was the exact question he didn’t want, but you answered it, kind of, and that means he has to answer it, kind of. He relaxes his hold on you. “Think you’re gonna see me when I’m— When I’m not me— When I’m— I’m like, like my fuckin’ family.”

When he’s angry. When he yells. When he’s mean. When his crises don’t take the form of hibernation. When he’s frightening.

“Think once you realize, you’ll leave, and it’ll all leave with you.”

When he said that everyone’s happy at The Bear, he knows it’s because you’re back in the atmosphere. You bring a lightness that he never could, that he always envied in his brother. He honestly needs to break something at The Bear to get you to come in soon, because it’s been two weeks since you made everyone coffee, and your presence is only finally starting to wain in power. He really needs to start paying himself so you can get on bar.

“I don’t love being yelled at, certainly.”

You know what acting like his family means. Mikey used to do it. When things got bad. And while you got better and better at being understanding, still never managed to keep yourself from tearing up. “But it’s nothing that would make me leave. Nothing that’s not worth it.”

Jesus Christ. Jesus fucking Christ. His bad side, his anger, his violence, his teeth, the parts of his functionality that he hates, you consider worth dealing with, for the sake of the rest of him.

It reminds him, of a question that’s been on his mind for a while now. His chin digs into your shoulder, a little bit. He swallows.

“Do you really not think taking care of people is a lot of work?”

You frown, thinking about it. It is a lot of work. It’s exhausting work, rotten work, to take care of people.

“It is a lot of work.” You tilt your head, kiss his clothed shoulder. “But it’s just pure instinct, to do. “I care therefore I care, or somethin’.”

“What a poet.”

“Fuck off.”

You both laugh; then comfortable silence. He’s the first to break it. “You’re good.”

“We’re both good.” You pull back to look at him. Nothing has truly been resolved, and yet he looks more at peace. Thank, God. You’re doing a good job. You’re not failing again. “You wanna go drink these barely warm hot chocolates in my bed and pass out?”

“Please.”

Carmen never turns off his location, and he never will. He doesn't ask why you want it. He takes advantage of the whipped cream on your nose and the severe lack of napkins in your bedroom when he can. He replaces the Cubs jersey wearing bear in your arms, that night. He hopes he will forever, he's pretty sure he won't.

In five days, this Friday will be the worst Friday of your lives.

But neither of you know that yet. The painting is still not finished, he hasn’t yelled at anyone around you yet, Carmen still doesn’t know about the necklace you’ve tucked under your shirt every day for the past year.

The other shoe still hangs in the air; but not in your bed.

You pray it’s fall will not wake the bear.

FUCK bro.

It was tough writing in a way that was coherently incoherent. Like, neither of these two want to talk about their problems, so they are vague, but I know what the fuck is going on-- And hopefully you kindddaaa get what's going on?? There's still a little mystery I'm holding on for myself, hehehe. I'm very curious if anyone has theories by now tbh. What's this hidden part of Tony's life!!! They're usually so open!!! So what's this shit!!!

I cut out like a WHOLE 300 words of them doin' a smooch because it just made no fuckin' sense. They're both in emotional hell, couldn't force it, even if I wanted it. But there was the cuddlin' and nose kissin' in bed. So I think that's a good caveat.

But the most insane part of this chapter for me, and you'll see later, THIS chapter and the next,,,,, 3 chapters? Were all gonna be ONE. I know. Nuts. I was essentially gonna format it like all snippets of this one week, because as we know, Fridays gonna be the worst friday! But I realized like a quarter way through writing this one, that it simply couldn't just be a snippet. It needed to breath as it's own full thing. As did the next 3 chaps. I think they'll be a lot more digestable this way and also it won't force me to hole away for a fuckin month writing it without giving you a single morsel of content.

Anyways, tell me what the fuck you THOUGHT!! I'm excited to hear thoughts, hopefully all good ones~~~

Next Part

[outoftheseine]

- CARMEN BERZATTO FIC RECS -

yes chef!

main masterlist

SERIES - MULTI-CHAPTERS

new person, same old mistakes • carmen berzatto x reader

→ by @guyfieriii

make my heart surrender • carmen berzatto x pastry-chef!fem!reader

→ by @nolita-fairytale (this series is 🤌. there is smut, fluff, angst, slight enemies to acquaintances to lovers)

not wrong but not right • carmen berzatto x gn!reader part 2

→ by @aliensupastar (angst, fluff, hurt/comfort)

everything you've come to expect • carmen berzatto x fem!reader

→ by @delicrieux (smut, angst, age gap, i know this will break my heart so good. this series is also 🤌)

golden boy • carmen berzatto x reader part 2 part 3

→ by @neonovember (friends to lovers, angst, miscommunication, smut, fluff)

hurricane • carmen berzatto x fem!reader part 2

→ by @ticktokrobotsnot

all the quiet nights you bear • carmen berzatto x reader

→ by @nyheartbreak

nothing's gonna hurt you baby • carmen berzatto x fem!reader

→ by @preciouslandmermaid (enemies to lovers to exes to friends to lovers (whew) slowburn, smut)

about a girl • carmen berzatto x reader

→ by @emotionoitme (friends with benefits, age gap, smut)

nemesis • carmen berzatto x reader

→ by @astermath (enemies to lovers, angst)

sharpie pens • carmen berzatto x bookstore!reader part 2 part 3

→ by @miss-beep-beep (cursing, fluff)

sweet like you • carmen berzatto x fem!reader part 2

→ by @astermath (very sweet like the title)

ONE-SHOTS

non slip • carmen berzatto x reader

→ by @urfavemcustan (fluff)

painted face • carmen berzatto x fem!oc

→ by @f1nalboys (very angsty, toxic relationship dinamic, vomiting, ptsd)

we should love, not fall in love • carmen berzatto x fem!reader

→ by @thegreatestsandwich (very fluffy)

surprise visitor • carmen berzatto x fem!reader

→ by @carmybears (fluff, a little suggestive)

stay • carmen berzatto x fem!reader

→ by @carmybears (angst, hurt/comfort, panic attacks)

paradise is very fragile • carmen berzatto x fem!reader

→ by @anchoeritic (very fluffy)

cooking up speculations • carmen berzatto x fem!reader

→ by @ticktokrobotsnot (very much jealous!carmy, a little misunderstanding)

dating carmen berzatto • carmen berzatto x reader

→ by @fanboygarcia (sucker for fluffs like this)

syd's jeans • carmen berzatto x fem!reader

→ by @peppermint-toads (friends with benefits, angst)

where there's smoke • carmen berzatto x reader

→ by @thebearer (angst, slightly explicit)

the feeling • carmen berzatto x reader

→ by @thebearer (drunk!reader fluff)

finders keepers • carmen berzatto x fem!reader

→ by @violentdelightsandviolentends (roommates, smut)

carry you away with me • carmen berzatto x fem!reader

→ by @rassvetsky (smut!)

"you are so mean to me" • carmen berzatto x reader

→ by @writers-hes (angst, jealous!carmy, fighting, fluff)

[thecapricunt1616]

Pairing : Carmen (Carmy) Berzatto x FemOC! - Winnow (Winnie) Walsh ***I DO NOT OWN ANY CHARACTER IN THIS STORY OTHER THAN WINNIE***

Summary : After a tragic motorcycle accident, and losing her twin brother - Winnow (Winnie) Walsh is left with no identity of her own. She decides to take every penny she has and move to the windy city. Just 8 months after she gets into the groove of single adult life - In walks Carmen Berzatto, and she realizes she's doesn't have it together the way she thinks.

Chapter Count : 20/?

Current Word Count : 166.1K

Warnings: 18+, Graphic depictions of motor accidents, Speaking of injuries / physical pain, Swearing, Panic attacks, Flashbacks, Bad coping skills, self harm, alcoholism, drinking, mentions of drug use, smut, BDSM themes (spanking, bondage, breeding kinks- etc), Spoilers for The Bear TV show

𝐎𝐧𝐞 | 𝐓𝐰𝐨 | 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞 | 𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫 | 𝐅𝐢𝐯𝐞 | 𝐒𝐢𝐱 | 𝐒𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 | 𝐄𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 | 𝐍𝐢𝐧𝐞 | 𝐓𝐞𝐧 𝐄𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 | 𝐓𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐯𝐞 | 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧 | 𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧 | 𝐅𝐢𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧 | 𝐒𝐢𝐱𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧 | 𝐒𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧 | 𝐄𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧 | 𝐍𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧 | 𝐓𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲 | 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲-𝐎𝐧𝐞…𝐖𝐈𝐏 |

[fishfooddude]

Verified Lover

Track 1 - Blue Check Heart

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Orginal Character

Carmy gets his blue checkmark on Instagram and immediately breaks Natalie's 'rules'.

The Bear MasterList

Directory

Carmy was in the office, absent-mindedly scrolling through his email when he saw confirmation from Instagram. After an initial wave of confusion, he read it to see his account had been ‘verified’ - whatever that meant. His eyes skimmed the body of the email before going back into the kitchen to see Natalie on her laptop at one of the free stations.

“Hey, Bear.” she smiled when she noticed Carmy approaching her.

“Yo. What does being verified on Instagram mean?” Carmy asked as he pushed his hands into his pocket, peering over her shoulder to look at the spreadsheet Natalie had been working on.

Natalie laughed, “How is it that a 26-year-old doesn’t know what being verified on Instagram means?”

Carmy rolled his eyes, “Sugar. What does it mean?” 

“It just means you are who you say you are and that your account has some perks. I verified your, Syd's, and The Bear’s official accounts. In theory, having The Bear verified means it’ll be easier to get bigger names to come to The Bear.” Natalie explained without looking up from her screen.

“Got it.” Carmy nodded and began to walk away.

“Also, be careful with what you like. We don’t want our head chef looking like a pervert or overly politically charged—just be normal. People can see what you like and comment on,” Natalie warned. Carmy waved off the comment. He only followed 20 accounts, and most of them were fellow chefs. 

~

Later in the day, Carmy couldn’t help but notice two of the college-age bartenders doing some synchronized dance behind the bar. Carmy watched for a moment before one of them noticed and immediately stopped before shyly looking away. The other noticed her stop, looked over, and saw Carmy standing by the kitchen door watching them. “Sorry, Chef Carmen…” she said, taking her phone from where it had been propped and shoving it in her back pocket.

“Why is my staff dancin’?” he asked as he approached the bar.

“Lola Lousie put out a new song, and the dance is fun.” one of the girls explained. Based on Carmy’s face, the other jumped in, explaining that it was the ‘hot-girl summer I publicly dumped my lying cheating ass hole boyfriend’ anthem. Carmy nodded, still confused about the entire thing.

“Prep work done?” he questioned. 

“Yes, Chef Carmen,” they answered in unison. Carmy nodded and walked back to the kitchen. As the shift passed, Carmy kept hearing the name ‘Lola Louise’ and how ‘iconic’ her new song and video were. Carmy ignored the chatter and focused on cooking. 

~

Lola Lousie, the topic the waitstaff couldn’t drop. Carmy could ignore it until one of the waitresses held up Richie, talking about her new Instagram post. He threatened to ban the topic if it continued to be distracting. 

Curiosity killed the cat. That night, in bed, Carmy found himself scrolling through Instagram when he finally tapped the search button and found himself on Lola Lousie’s account. Carmy inhaled deeply. She was gorgeous. She had long, silky brown hair with dazzling emerald green eyes. Her soft, pillowy, plump lips were sculpted in the most endearing, playful pout. He swiped through her feed and became more intrigued by this woman. He scrolled through selfies and magazine covers. He chuckled when he saw a picture of a German Shepard with lopsided ears ‘wearing’ a pair of Prada sunglasses captioned ‘I thought boys didn’t steal their mom’s clothes... I stand corrected.’

When Carmy got to the original dance video, his bartenders had been trying to copy he couldn’t help but feel like a bit of a creep. He understood how the song was a ‘hot girl summer I publicly dumped my lying cheating asshole boyfriend’ anthem but watching Lola Lousie move the way she did made his pants feel a little tighter. Pop music wasn’t his thing but the girls were right. He could see how a song like that could be considered ‘iconic’. He liked a couple posts before tossing his phone to the side and calling it a night. 

~

“Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!” Natalie scolded as she entered the office that morning. She hit Carmy’s shoulder with each ‘oh my god’. Carmy removed a headphone and blocked her hits.

“Sugar- what the fuck?!” he exclaimed as he pushed back from his desk and rolled back to create some space between him and his sister. 

“Carmen Anothny Berzatto. I told you to be normal on Instagram, and what do you do the first day after being verified? Like six posts from some pop star that she posted over a year ago! Now you’re on a fuckin’ gossip page!” Natalie scolded, reaching over to hit his bicep. Carmy grabbed her wrists and scowled at her.

“Will you stop fuckin’ hittin’ me?! What the hell are you even talkin’ about?” Carmy challenged as he dropped her wrists, pushing her back gently. Natalie rolled her eyes and dug for her phone.

“Michelin star chef Carmen “Carmy” Berzatto, LoLou’s next boy toy? Screenshots below.” she read from her phone before flipping it to show Carmy. “Carmy. I do not need you going around Instagram liking girls’ thirst taps- EVERYONE can see what you’re doing!” Natalie huffed before stomping out of the office, muttering something about Claire.

Carmy rolled his eyes at Claire's mention and leaned back in his chair, pushing his hands through his hair before pulling his phone from his pocket. “You never even liked your damn girlfriend’s posts, Carmen!” Natalie yelled from the kitchen, still frustrated with him.

Carmy sighed before he yelled back, “She wasn’t my girlfriend.” he got up from his chair and frustratedly closed the door to the office. “She wasn’t my fuckin’ girlfriend… just my friend who happened to be a girl…” he muttered as he sat down in his chair again. He unlocked his phone and saw an influx of notifications on Instagram. None of them were particularly interesting. All he’d done was like a few Instagram pictures, but it had turned into this mess. He rolled his eyes as he cleared the notifications, but one stuck out.  @ LoLou sent you a message request

“Any open tables tonight, handsome? I’d love to taste your food… or something like that.”

“Oh shit…” Carmy mumbled to himself, what did he get himself into?

[thebirdandthebee]

Easy As

A Carmen Berzatto Universe

Ya’ll, I am no better than a man. Those pics and videos of JAW working out had me in my Word doc asap. Is anyone still reading this series? ;) Here’s Carmen and Vanessa’s first time...

Vanessa Monaghan is the breath of fresh air that Carmen had been gasping for.

Page 30: Bite

Carmen woke up first, his arm draped over Vanessa’s middle as she continued to sleep. The sun had just broken through the filtered curtains over her bed and the clock on the nightstand across from him read 7:41 in the morning. Still plenty of time for him to close his eyes again for another hour of sleep. 

Vanessa wiggled against him gently, her body pressed tightly up against his, alerting him to the serious morning wood that was wedged snugly against the seam of her body.His first time sleeping over and his dick was trying to ruin it for him. He tried his best to push his hips away from Vanessa’s body without disturbing her, keeping his arms as still as possible, but it was proving to be incredibly difficult.

They’d gone out late last night after The Bear had closed down, first for drinks with some of the team, who’d met Vanessa at the soft opening, then, just the two of them.

They didn’t have sex when they rolled back to Vanessa’s apartment, but rather brushed their teeth side-by-side in the bathroom before cuddling up tight beneath the blankets. They actually hadn’t had sex yet – their schedules were out of whack the past few weeks and last night was their first time seeing each other for more than a shared coffee or walk around the park in a while.

And Carmen’s dick was firmly reminding him that he was in bed with the most beautiful woman he’d ever be fortunate enough to lock down if given the chance.

“Good morning,” Vanessa murmured, a smirk evident in her voice.

“Hi,” he breathed shortly, trying not to think about her bare, smooth legs and how they felt against his. Turning in his grasp, Vanessa made a pillow of Carmen’s bicep. 

He thought it criminal for someone to look that good just after waking up.

“It’s early,” she commented, eyes fluttering shut as she greedily admired the scent of his deodorant. Sliding a hand across his chest, she notched her body tight against his hip – Carmen on his back. 

Carmen was trying his best to will away his erection, which was tenting the blanket just enough to be noticeable. However, the warmth of her body against his, and knowing she was wearing those little white underwear, not too dissimilar of something he’d worn as a little kid, were doing him absolutely zero favors. 

“Go back to sleep,” he encouraged, “still time.” He murmured, pressing a kiss to her head, her hair a silky cascade across their pillow.Vanessa’s manicured fingernails gently glided up and down his stomach, in love with the soft skin between his abs, brushing through the hair below his belly button.

“How are you going to sleep like this?” She asked, fingers dancing along the waistband of his boxers. He looked down at her to see her big brown eyes looking up at him with just a hint of mischief.“Ness,” he warned gently.

“I want you,” she said, with precise directness. Carmen didn’t hesitate, turning her body under his before slanting his mouth over hers. “You want me, too?” She asked breathily, hands running up his chest to rest on his shoulders.

“Only all the fucking time,” he replied, pressing his body down into hers. “Like every minute of every hour of every day,” he ticked off, kissing down her neck. Vanessa giggled as his nose prodded at her skin like an eager puppy. “Do you know how hard it is to not slice my goddamn fingers off every day?” He asked, helping her shimmy out of the white tank top she slept in. 

She watched his pupils dilate in the slightest.“Carm you’ve seen my tits before,” she laughed, her hands immediately going to his hair as he nipped all around her chest with his lips.

“God I love ‘em,” he groaned, trying his best to see just how much of her breast he could get in his mouth at once. 

Vanessa squealed as he blew a raspberry into her skin.

“Carmen!” She laughed, holding his head in her hands and tilting his head up to look at her.

“What?” he asked, eyes wide, mouth parted. “Take my panties off already!” She grinned, spurring him on once more. She watched as he scrambled, sitting back on his heels as he dragged her panties down her legs, tossing them to the ground. She loved to watch him awkwardly kick his way out of his boxers before his body covered hers again.

“Do you want me to uh – I don’t have a condom,” he said, giving her an earnest look.

“I’ve got an IUD, and I’m not seeing anyone else,” she replied, squirming slightly. “Are you?” She asked, just a whisper of barely detectable insecurity in her voice.

“Are you kidding me?” He grinned softly. “I’m so gone for you it’s not even funny,” he insisted, taking his cock in hand. Vanessa lifted her hips to press against his body, egging him on.

“Don’t make me wait any longer, then,” she breathed. Carmen slid in at the same time he pressed a desperate kiss to Nessa’s mouth. She moaned greedily against his lips. “You feel so good,” she gasped gently. 

He was silent, eyes squeezed shut as he tried his hardest to not immediately ruin their fun by shooting off early.

“Christ, I –” Carmen gulped for air, pressing his forehead down against hers. He shuddered when she tilted her hips up.

“Come on, Carm,” she all but begged, “fuck me.” He had to balance his thoughts – dirty dishes in the sink, touching wet food, the smell from Ritchie’s work locker – along with strumming Nessa’s clit with precision. He might not last as long as he want, but he was certainly going to make sure she got hers.“Carm!” She squealed, leg hooking up and heel pressing into his ass, spurring him on.

 His whole body shook as she dragged her nails down his back. Vanessa was in heaven, watching Carmen’s shoulders and arms, caged around her, flexing and moving with each of his thrusts. She showed her appreciation by sinking her teeth into his shoulder, making his hips stutter.

“You’re gonna bite me?” He laughed.

“I just love your arms so much,” she gasped, whimpering as the blunt head of his cock pressed just the right spot inside of her.

“Should I start biting the things I like?” He asked, still spearing into her steadily.

“No,” she giggled softly, pulling a long groan out of him.Carmen was doing his best, he really was, but between the vice grip she had around him, Vanessa’s soft, warm body pressed against his, and the smell of her perfume, still clinging to her hair from last night, he didn’t know how he was going to continue on.

“It’s okay, Bear,” Vanessa cooed in his ear, “cum inside me,” she encouraged. “I know you’re good for it,” she kissed up his jaw. “Let go,” she whispered against his lips. Carmen really had no choice, and choked out a pained noise as he came, hips pressed so hard against hers she thought she might bruise. 

She tightened her legs around his body, pulling him closer. He dropped his body on hers, dead weight, and she groaned at the feeling.

“If you just give me a –” he gasped, catching his own breath, “minute.” But he was too late, and he could feel her orgasm hit her in the way she fluttered around him, gasping in his ear before letting out a pitiful whine. 

He bit back a shout at the sensation, not wanting to yell directly into ear. They laid like that, starkly on top of one another for a few moments, nothing exchanged but harsh breathing.Carmen did, however, yelp, when Vanessa reached down to slap an open palm on his ass.

“Ness!” He groaned.

“Good job, big dick Berzatto.”

[drabbles-mc]

Home for the Holidays?

Carmy Berzatto x OC Kalia Mason

For @storiesofsvu Holiday Bingo 2023!

Warnings: 18+, language, smoking, pre-canon, light angsty moments

Word Count: 7.7k

A/N: i have a whole longfic planned for these two that takes place way after this, but this little piece of their backstory has been bouncing around my head for weeks so i'm glad to finally be able to finish and post it!

The Bear Taglist: @garbinge @withmyteeth @darqchilddaydreamz @hausofmamadas @ashlingnarcos @narcolini @justreblogginfics (If you want to be added to any of my taglists, please let me know!)

“No, no, I’m not,” Carmy shook his head as he paced back and forth in the alleyway behind the restaurant, “I’m not having this fuckin’ conversation right now. Mi—no, you’re not listening. You never fuckin’ listen I can’t talk about this right now.”

He pulled an aggressive drag from his cigarette as he listened to Mikey going off on the other end of the line. He’d been so engrossed in his argument that he hadn’t even heard the back door of the restaurant open and shut, didn’t catch the dull sound of heels against the blacktop. Turning around to start pacing back in the opposite direction again, he stopped himself short, mid-headshake, when he saw that Kalia had stepped out back as well. He didn’t say anything as he stared at her, now only halfway tuned into the conversation that he was having with Mikey. His brows separated, easing apart rather than being pinched in exhaustion, but the tension in his jaw still held.

Kalia didn’t say anything to him either. She walked up to him without a word and he handed his cigarette over to her. He watched her bring it to her lips, her actions much smoother and calmer than his had been just a few moments before. She folded one arm across her chest, holding her hand out for him to take the cigarette back. He did, noticing but not commenting on the slight smudge of pale pink left on the filter from what was left of her lipstick by that point in her shift.

The whole exchange only took a handful of seconds, but with how quickly conversations moved with Mikey, or any of the Berzatto’s, it was more than enough time for Carmy to lose his footing in the exchange. He realized that as soon as he dialed back into what Mikey was saying, flinching at the whiplash of it all.

Regardless of how much or how little he’d missed, Mikey had clearly picked up on Carmy’s lack of response and made a comment about it. He was still staring at Kalia when he snapped at his brother and said, “No, I’m not fuckin’ listening because you’re not listening to me either. I, I can’t, I’m not talking about this.” He sighed. “No, I’m not. I’m not. Know what I’m doing? I’m hanging up. I am, I’m hanging up the fuckin’ phone.”

Kalia’s eyes widened at the statement, although she couldn’t pretend that she was overly surprised by it. What was a little more surprising was the fact that he actually followed through. As soon as the last syllable left his lips, Carmy pulled the phone away from his ear and ended the call.

He let out a sigh as he shoved his phone back into the pocket of his jeans. He didn’t say anything for a moment, just tilting his head back and looking up at the sky like it was going to give him some calm, or clarity, even though in all his years it had never done anything of the sort.

Finally, he turned back to Kalia. He took another inhale of his cigarette because saying, “Hey.”

She laughed at the stark difference in pace and tone between his phone conversation and how he was speaking to her. “Hey.” She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “Do you want me to ask about that or just…?”

He couldn’t help but to let out a chuckle when he saw the look on her face as she asked. Light-hearted but not cruelly so. Shaking his head, he finished off his cigarette and dropped it to the ground. “Fuckin’ Mikey.”

She tilted her head. “What’d he say?”

He sighed, leaning back against the wall of the restaurant. “He was asking about Christmas.”

Raising her eyebrows, she just managed a soft, “Oh,” not sure what else to say.

Things had been so new with them the previous Christmas—they had still been in a bit of a limbo. There hadn’t been any expectations, or any real discussions about the holidays. Carmy hadn’t seemed like he wanted to talk about it, so Kalia didn’t waste energy trying to pry. The stakes were different this year, though. She’d been meaning to get around to asking what his plans were, so it seemed like there was no time quite like the present.

“Never calls me any other month of the year to see how I’m doing. But, but sure, yeah, of course. Because he just wants to give me a fuckin’ hard time about it.”

“Are you going home for Christmas?” she asked. It felt like the answer should be obvious but she also knew him well enough to know that acting logically wasn’t always his strong suit. It wasn’t his brother’s either, apparently.

“N—I don’t know. I don’t fuckin’ know,” he muttered, leaning his head back against the wall.

“Do you want to?” she asked. The laugh she let out was more nervous than it was humorous. “Because it doesn’t really seem like you want to.”

He chuckled, unable to stop himself. He knew that she was right, but he also didn’t have the time or the energy to get into all the intricacies of Christmas with the Berzatto’s on their ten-minute smoke break.

“It’s gonna be a fuckin’ mess if I don’t go.” He paused, letting the footage play back of years past. “It’s a fuckin’ mess when I’m there too, though, so who knows.”

She let a few seconds of silence pass before making her offer. “If you don’t want to go, you can always come spend it with my family.” She laughed. “Or if you want a break altogether and want to spend it alone, I get that too.”

He smiled as he stared at her. There was some appeal to the idea of spending Christmas by himself in his tiny apartment. He didn’t even have a tree or a string of lights up—it looked the same way it did the other eleven months of the year. But it would be quiet, calm, things that his childhood home in Chicago never were even on the best day.

He’d only met Kalia’s family once, and he didn’t count it, really, because of the circumstances. He’d just been one face in a sea of many that day. Most of her relatives probably wouldn’t remember that he’d even been there, but Kalia remembered. That was all that really mattered to Carmy anyway. The only other way some of them knew him was based on whatever stories Kalia told them about him, or if he was passing through in the background of a videocall between her and her parents. The notion of going there for the holidays was kind of nice on one hand, but on the other hand it was absolutely terrifying.

Kalia saw him locking up and shutting down in real time. “You don’t have to decide right now,” she said with a laugh. “Just something to keep in mind. An escape route, if you need it.”

His shoulders noticeably relaxed as he nodded. “Yeah, yeah, right. Okay. Thank, thank you.” He cleared his throat as he forced himself off the wall. Gesturing towards the door, he said, “I gotta get back.”

Kalia smiled, nodding. “Go ahead. I still got a couple minutes before I gotta head back in, and,” she rolled her eyes with a laugh, “I’m using every single one of them.”

Carmy smiled and gave her a nod but didn’t say anything else. He walked past her, reaching out and brushing his fingers against hers, letting them catch for half a second as he passed. There was a smile on his face about it until he was back inside the restaurant and the door swung shut behind him.

He purposely ignored the slew of texts and calls from Mikey. He ignored the texts from Nat, too, although there were far less of those. The brunt of her wrath would come when she saw him in person next, whenever that was going to be. Every Christmas he always wanted to blow them off but he hadn’t ever found it in himself to follow through on it. He’d always string together a list of reasons why he had to be there. Always. Plus, if he was honest with himself, he never felt like he had a good enough external reason to bail, something outside of himself. But now it seemed like he did. He’d have to think about it.

It was a few nights later when he let himself into Kalia’s apartment. It wasn’t often that their days off synced up, so they made do by just stopping by the other’s apartment when they had the time, and more importantly the energy, before or after their shifts. It took some doing, but they’d figured it out.

“Hey,” he called out as he toed his shoes off just inside the door. He didn’t hear her respond as he walked towards the kitchen where he could see that the light was on, but he still had the feeling that she was awake. Turning the corner, he started speaking up again. “Lia? You—” he stopped short with a laugh when he got a good look at her.

She was leaning back against the counter right beside the stove with a pot in her hand, separated from her palm by a potholder. She was holding a fork in her other hand, and was currently halfway through eating another forkful of macaroni and cheese.

“Hey,” she mumbled through her mouthful of food as she tried not to send it flying everywhere.

Walking over, Carmy peeked into the pot in her hand. He knew what it was already before he even looked, but he still asked, “What’s going on here?”

She swallowed what was in her mouth so that she could laugh. “Mac ‘n cheese.”

His eyebrows lifted just slightly as a smile stretched across his face. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Want some?” reaching over, she opened the drawer that housed her silverware and pulled out another fork. “I’ll share.”

He shook his head but still took it. “Sure.”

“I upgraded, you know. No more of the single-serve cups that go in the microwave.”

He laughed as he took a forkful from the pot. “Upgraded to the box?”

“So as not to offend your delicate sensibilities.”

It was a comment that, coming from someone else, he would’ve taken to heart. If it’d been Mikey, or Richie, or anyone back home really, he would’ve snapped back. It would’ve been an argument. But it was hard to jump to being on the defensive with Kalia. It wasn’t that they never argued or got after each other, but she hadn’t ever been the type to make that her default. It was foreign, but it was good.

“Yeah, because everyone knows that boxed Easy-Mac is much, much better than the cups.”

“Obviously,” she said as she gesticulated with her fork.

Carmy smiled, talking through the forkful of macaroni he’d just taken. “Obviously.”

They fell into comfortable silence after that. Part of Carmy wanted to go and shower off the day, wanted to leave his t-shirt and jeans in a heap on the floor of Kalia’s bathroom to be dealt with in the morning, but he couldn’t manage to peel himself away from her. Not even an hour before, he’d had the executive chef breathing down his neck making him want to run into oncoming traffic, but that felt so far away now. Kalia was standing there in her flannel pajama pants and an old t-shirt that had more rips and stains than any shirt or apron Carmy had worn in the kitchen over the years. Her socks were fitting for the time of year, fuzzy, warm, and decorated with snowmen. Her apartment overall was much more festive than Carmy’s was, but that was a low bar. She looked so comfortable. All the time she looked so comfortable, even when shit was hitting the fan. He wondered how she stayed like that all the time. Maybe it was a family thing, because lord knew that him and his family couldn’t stay calm if their lives depended on it.

“Your parents wouldn’t mind if I came for Christmas?” he asked as he tossed his dirty fork into the sink.

Kalia tried not to look too excited, not wanting to get her hopes up too high. “They wouldn’t mind at all. They, you know, they really wanna see you.” She laughed as she scooped the last bit of macaroni onto her fork. “At this point, they probably think I’m keeping you hidden in my basement or something.”

He chuckled, finding a spot beside her leaning back against the counter. “Did you tell them your apartment doesn’t have a basement?”

She rolled her eyes. “Shut up.” There was a pause. “But yeah, if you wanna come with me to my parents’, you can. My car seats at least two.”

“Two plus whatever is living in your back seat,” he replied with a tiny smirk, recalling all the times she simply just tossed whatever was on her passenger seat into the back on the occasions the two of them would go to or from work together.

“You can just walk, you know,” she shot back with a laugh as she moved and set the pot in the sink to soak, too tired and lazy to wash it right in that moment. “Or I can strap you to the roof like a deer.” She walked back over, gently toying with his hair for a moment. “Curls instead of antlers.”

He shook his head, eyes dropping to the floor as he tried not to look as amused as he felt. Taking a deep breath, he looked back at her. “I’ll let you know in a couple days?”

She nodded. “Let me know in a couple days.”

Neither of them brought it up again in the wake of that exchange. The rest of the night went by. Kalia told Carmy the highlights of what had gone on in the dining room during dinner service. Front of house and back of house never had the same brand of chaos and stress going on, but both ends of the house were always kept busy. That was for certain. Carmy listened as he got ready to finally turn in for the night. Kalia was already in bed, sitting with her back against the headboard and blanket pulled over her legs. She had her phone in her hand and Carmy was shuffling around the room but none of it was enough to break the flow of their conversation. Not even when Carmy slid into bed under the covers beside her, blanket draped over him while he had his elbow propped on the pillow on his side of the bed, head resting in his hand as he listened, as they talked.

It wasn’t until two days and three phone calls with his siblings later that Carmy came to a decision. He didn’t know how to start the conversation with Kalia, so instead of getting into all of the reasons why, he just asked, “What should I bring? To your parents’ house, I mean. What should I bring?”

She paused the search for her car keys in her purse when she processed what he’d said. “What should you bring?” she repeated back, smile growing wider with each word. “I don’t…you don’t have to bring anything. You’re bringing me.”

He was watching the sidewalk pass beneath their feet as they walked to her car together. “No, no. I gotta bring something.” He paused, thinking about the types of things people typically brought to gatherings like this. “Wine? There a wine your parents like?”

She shook her head. “My parents don’t drink. No one, um, no one really does when they go to their house, either.”

Carmy raised his eyebrows just slightly. It wasn’t that it was strange that her parents didn’t drink, per se. But he just couldn’t fathom a gathering of his own family with no alcohol involved. He wondered if that would make everything worse.

He realized that he’d been silent for just a few seconds too long for it to be comfortable. “Heard. Right.”

“You don’t have to bring anything,” she emphasized again, “but I’m sure if you wanted to help with prep and stuff my mom would appreciate it. She always,” Kalia rolled her eyes as she unlocked the doors to her car and slid into the driver’s seat, “she always leaves the prep up to my uncle. And he always thinks it’s gonna take way less time than it really does. Which, you know, isn’t a big deal. We just eat a little later—that’s fine. But,” she turned the key in the ignition, “I’m sure he’d love a helping hand, too.”

“What do you guys do?”

“It’s kind of like a hot-pot situation, but not quite. If you see it you’ll get it. Actually,” she laughed as she drove down the road, “we usually do it for New Years but I’m working New Years this year so I convinced them to do it for Christmas instead. It’s like my favorite holiday meal of the year.”

They let the conversation end there, the music from the radio filling the car instead of their own voices. Part of Kalia wanted to ask Carmy what had him making that decision, but she stopped herself. If he wanted to talk about it, he would. And even the things that he did want to talk about, it was rarely something as straight-forward as simply sitting across the table from her and talking about it. It was a lot of off-hand comments and half-stories, a lot of interjecting things into the middle of rants. It was just on everyone else to try and keep up and keep track of it all.

Christmas snuck up on them faster than they realized. Even when they had been discussing plans and logistics, it had felt like some far-off thing. Then, in the blink of an eye, Carmy heard the sound of Kalia letting herself into his apartment on Christmas morning.

“Just me!” she called out as she undid the zipper of her jacket.

Carmy appeared, walking out of his bedroom with a bottle in his hand. “Hey.”

Walking over to him, Kalia couldn’t stop the warm smile that spread across her face. Carmy had on one of his nice sweaters and a fresh, dark pair of jeans. His hair was a little tamer than usual, but not so much that he didn’t look like himself anymore.

Leaning in, she kissed him quickly on the lips. “You look good.”

Carmy looked at her, feeling a little less nervous when he saw how relaxed she seemed. “You too.” Even though her jacket was covering most of it, Carmy still knew what sweater she was wearing—the fuzzy white one that went off both her shoulders.

He was still busy staring at her when she gestured towards the bottle he was holding. “What’s that?”

“Oh,” he held it up so she could read the label, “I just, um, it’s sparkling cider. Is, is that okay? I can leave it if—”

“That’s good,” she stopped him short, nodding and smiling in approval. “They’ll like that.”

His body visibly relaxed at that, shoulders loosening. “Alright, good. Yeah.”

“You need a few more minutes or—”

“I’m good,” he answered her question before she even finished it. “Let me just—my shoes, and, and yeah.”

“Take your time,” she spoke after him as he took off to grab his shoes and jacket.

The drive didn’t take as long as either of them thought it would. It was still enough time for Carmy to reach the brink of driving himself crazy as he sat jittering in the passenger seat. Kalia could only look over at him so many times while she was keeping an eye on the road in front of them, but even in her peripheral she saw him, numerous times, go to reach for the pack of cigarettes in his coat pocket and then stop himself. She wanted to tell him that it was okay, that if he wanted to have one she wasn’t going to kick him out of the car. But he knew that already—she knew that he knew that. Instead, she took one hand off the steering wheel and rested it on his leg. It got the bouncing in his foot to stop but then it just shifted upwards and into his fingers that began to drum against the windowsill.

“It’s not, you know, it’s not like it’s some big to-do. It’s just,” she shrugged, “Christmas. We get together and eat food. No crazy heaps of presents of anything.” She turned and looked at him for a brief moment. “We do secret Santa.”

“Yeah?”

She nodded. “Yep. We were all broke for a while. Some of us,” she lifted her hand from his leg and pointed at herself, “still kind of are. So it’s just easier that way. Less pressure.”

“Who’d you get?”

“My mom.”

The idea of that happening in his own life was enough to make Carmy’s stomach twist into a knot and it wasn’t even really happening to him. He pushed the feeling down as well as he could. “Wh-what’d you get her?”

“You!” she replied with a laugh. She shook her head. “Kidding. Kind of. But she is so excited to meet you.”

“Shit,” he said without thinking better of it. He froze up as soon as the word came out of his mouth, afraid of what was coming next.

Rather than anger, Kalia just met him with amusement. “She’s not scary. My dad isn’t either, really. My uncle is the one you should probably be worried about.” She paused, switching lanes on the highway. “It was funny, though. The first time I tried to tell her I was dating you, I said I was seeing the chef from the restaurant. And, and I had no idea why she got so mad about it, you know? She didn’t know you.”

“She got mad?”

Kalia could hardly talk through her laughter. “Yeah. Because the last time I talked to her about a chef,” she shook her head, “the chef from the restaurant, I was telling her about your asshole boss.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Now Carmy was laughing too. “She thought you were dating—”

“Yeah,” she cut him off with a laugh and a nod. “So, you know, no matter what you’re going to be better than who she originally thought I’d be bringing home on the holidays.”

“Jesus,” Carmy said as he shook his head, running his hand back through his hair. He had to admit, though, he felt a little better.

When they pulled into the driveway at her parents’ house, Carmy couldn’t stop himself from noticing the other cars in the driveway. Not what type of car or even what color, but just the fact that their driveway was full. He could feel the panic starting to creep back up his spine and out through his limbs. Kalia hadn’t even put her car in park yet and all he was picturing was all the years at his mother’s house, a full driveway, so full that they parked their cars on the sides of the street. The house was even fuller. Every year. So many people and so much noise. So much yelling.

“You ready?” Her voice, once again, pulled him out of his thoughts.

He turned to look at her, nodding although he didn’t know how much he believed it. “Yeah. Um, yeah. I’m, I’m ready. Are you?”

“Come here.” Still buckled in, Kalia leaned over, hand resting on the center console of her car, and kissed him. “They’re going to love you, Carm.”

He let out an unsteady laugh. “Let’s hope.”

Carmy trailed right behind her as she walked up the driveway. He watched her as she knocked on the front door, but that the formality was basically pointless because she was turning the knob with her other hand and pushing it open even as she knocked. She hardly had one foot inside the house and she was calling out, “Hello,” and, “Merry Christmas!” He followed close behind but didn’t say a word, just looking around the house instead.

“Hey!” a man called out as he poked his head out form around a corner. “Look who it is!” He walked over and wrapped Kalia in a tight hug, paying no mind to the knife that he was holding in one hand.

She laughed as she hugged him back. “Careful waving that thing around.”

“Not waving,” he said as he stepped back. Diverting his attention, he looked at Carmy. “You’re the guy, huh?”

Carmy’s eyes went wide, a scared fawn in the headlights. The man’s words didn’t sound threatening or accusatory in any way but Carmy still felt like he was on trial. There was only one correct response to that question and yet he still couldn’t spit it out.

Luckily Kalia stepped in to cover for him. “Can you try that again without the knife in your hand?” she asked with a laugh. Slipping her hand into Carmy’s, she said, “This is Carmy—the guy who is going to make sure we don’t start eating dinner at ten tonight.”

“That only happened once!”

“And I will never let you forget it,” she joked. Looking over at Carmy, she said, “Carm, this is my Uncle Rich.”

“N-nice to meet you,” Carmy said, pulling his hand from Kalia’s so he could shake her uncle’s.

“What’ve we got here?” her uncle asked, breaking off the handshake so he could gesture to the bottle that Carmy was holding in his hand.

Suddenly Carmy was overcome with the urge to throw the thing right back out the front door they’d just walked through. He didn’t want to hand it over, didn’t want to show it, afraid that it was going to be met with ridicule or disdain of some kind.

He fought through it, holding the bottle out to the man in front of him. He somehow managed to keep his hand steady, too. “Just, um, just some sparkling cider. Lia mentioned that you guys don’t really—”

“Alright!” he exclaimed, taking it with the hand that wasn’t holding onto the knife. “Good man.”

Then, like he was letting everyone know that the introduction and conversation was over with, Kalia’s uncle turned on his heel and headed back to the kitchen. When the man rounded the corner back out of sight, Carmy let out a breath that he hadn’t meant to start holding.

“See?” she said as she crouched down to start taking off her shoes. “Not that bad. He’s the…most…out of everyone. You’re gonna be fine.”

Carmy didn’t know how much he believed her, but there was nothing left to do but take her word for it now. He leaned down to unlace his shoes and at that point he knew that he was in it. He was trying to figure out what to say in response to her reassurance when she grabbed his hand and started pulling him deeper into the house.

It couldn’t have felt more different than being home. It couldn’t have felt more different than being around his own family. He’d hardly been able to spit out his own name to Kalia’s parents when he was introducing himself because of all the panic lodged in his throat. There was no way that her mother and father didn’t see it, didn’t hear the strain in his voice. They didn’t say anything, though, didn’t even give him so much as a sideways look about it. They were so kind, gentle even. Carmy knew that he would get around to appreciating that at some point.

He maneuvered his way through an initial round of small talk with the rest of Kalia’s family. He wasn’t graceful about it, and he needed ample assistance from Kalia, but he got through it. It felt foreign and uncomfortable but then he felt the way that Kalia was leaning against him as they all spoke gathered in the living room. Some people were sitting, others standing or half-perched on the arm of the sofa. There were snacks on the coffee table and gift bags under the tree. Music was playing at an appropriate volume and the conversations were loud but they weren’t deafening, weren’t at a volume that would raise anyone’s cortisol levels. It was all lovely and pleasant and yet Carmy had to make a conscious effort to not hold Kalia’s arm in a vice grip.

“Alright.” Her uncle interjected himself into all of the conversations that were happening as he entered the room, a stack of cups in one hand and the bottle of sparkling cider that Carmy had brought in the other. “First round for everyone is on Carmen. Don’t worry,” he jokingly reassured everyone as he passed around cups, “I already tried it—it’s good.”

Carmy could’ve sworn he felt his knees knock together out of nerves—it didn’t matter that everyone seemed perfectly happy and perhaps even excited about it. He felt like he was on trial. He worked through it as he took the cup that Rich handed him, watching him fill it with a generous amount.

“Kali said that you’re my hired help for the night?” he asked as he watched Carmy take a sip.

Carmy nodded, forcing himself to remember not to talk with his mouth full. That was the last thing he needed. “Yeah. I, I’ll even work for free,” he joked and hoped it sounded more confident than it did in his head.

It was passable at least, because Rich laughed as he set the bottle down on the coffee table alongside the rest of everything and motioned for Carmy to follow him. “Dangerous words but come on, then.”

Even though she had been right next to Carmy the entire time and saw everything, he still turned to Kalia and gestured towards her uncle, towards the kitchen. “I’m gonna…” he trailed off, letting the hand gesture finish the sentence for him.

She laughed and nodded. “I heard.” She paused, taking a moment to search his expression. “Want reinforcements?”

He didn’t hesitate to nod. “Maybe. Maybe, yeah,” he answered, laughing despite the nerves.

“Sounds good.”

“What?” Rich said as he watched them both walk towards the kitchen. “Don’t trust me around the kid with a knife in my hand?”

Kaila shook her head as she found a seat on the opposite side of the kitchen island from where the two of them would be prepping everything. “I don’t trust you around anyone with a knife in your hand.”

Carmy was listening to them, sort of, but most of his attention was focused on everything that was laid out on the island in front of him and the other counters in the kitchen. It was chaos, but it was organized chaos. Real organized chaos—not the chaos that Donna spent year after year trying to play off as organized. Even though Carmy had just set foot into the kitchen, he could see the underlying threads of order to it.

“What do you need help with?” Carmy asked, eyes still fixed on the cutting boards in front of him as he started to push up the sleeves of his sweater.

Carmy couldn’t see it, too busy trying to think his way through the next step, but Kalia was across the island from him, smiling. And Rich was standing to the right of him and also smiling. Rich reached behind him and pulled a knife out of the block and handed it over to Carmy. “Dealer’s choice.”

He was about to answer when he took a good look at the knife that was in his hand. “Oh, shit,” he said before he could stop himself. He glanced across at Kalia. “Your parents—”

“Fuck no,” Rich cut him off with a laugh. “I keep these here for me.”

Carmy looked at Kalia for confirmation and she nodded as she sipped on her cider. “It’s true.”

For the first time all night Carmy felt at ease for a moment, as close to calm as he ever really managed to get these days. “Alright. I’ll, uh,” he gestured with his free hand to the cutting board that still had a huge piece of meat that needed to be sliced through, “yeah.”

Rich slid the cutting board so that it was in front of him. “All yours.” He grabbed a fresh cutting board to move onto the next thing. Out of the corner of his eye he watched as Carmy got right to work. Instantly zeroed in. He chuckled, waiting for Kalia to look at him. “Gotta bring him every year.”

She laughed and propped her elbows on the edge of the counter. “I’ll see what I can do.”

She sat and watched the two of them work. They were doing their own thing but somehow still in tandem with each other. She had never mentioned it to Carmy, but her uncle had spent most of his twenties and some of his thirties working in a kitchen. Never at the caliber that Carmy was currently operating at, but it wasn’t nothing. She never said anything, but as the minutes ticked by she had the feeling that Carmy could tell. Neither of them spoke about it but they each knew.

There was no ever truly being relaxed for Carmy. However the way he felt in that moment almost felt like he was cooking in the kitchen of his apartment, or Kalia’s. Not the same stakes of cooking at the restaurant, not the suffocating tension of being back in Chicago in his mom’s kitchen, or Mikey’s. He was listening to the way that Kalia and her uncle were chatting, the way that they would rope him into the conversation just enough to keep him included but not so much that he had to stop what he was doing. A precarious balance.

Carmy was listening to the two of them going back and forth about something that had happened at Christmas the year before when he felt his phone buzzing in the pocket of his jeans. He quickly wiped his hands on the towel hanging off the edge of the island before pulling his phone out. The world came to a screeching halt around him for a moment as he read his brother’s name on the phone screen. It shouldn’t have been surprising. If anything, the only surprising thing was that it had taken so long for someone back home to call him. His money would’ve been on Natalie.

He must’ve been standing there for longer than he realized, because Kalia spoke up, “Hey, you okay?”

Carmy cleared his throat, nodding as he rejected the call and put the phone back in his pocket. “Yeah, yeah I’m good.”

She wasn’t convinced, brows coming together for a moment. “You sure? If you need to—”

“I’m good, Lia,” he kept his voice quiet, not forgetting where he was, but firm enough to make it clear that he didn’t want to get into it all because of where he was. “Just Mikey.”

That answer didn’t do anything to quell her concerns. She knew that there was no such thing as just Mikey. She hadn’t ever met Mikey, or anyone in Carmy’s family for that matter, and she knew that there was a reason for that. He didn’t talk much about his siblings or his mother but there were a lot of moments when he managed to say plenty about them without have to speak much at all. Like the look in his eyes when he saw who was calling.

She knew it wasn’t the time to try and talk about it, so she conceded with a nod. “Okay.”

“Wanna grab stuff for the table, Kali?” Rich inserted himself back into the conversation, diverting it to a new direction with ease.

She hopped up from where she was sitting. “Sure thing.” She slipped behind Carmy to grab the bowls from the cupboard, fingers gently trailing over his back as she passed by him.

The kitchen fell silent once more when she walked out. Both Carmy and Rich went back to finishing up the last of the prep. Carmy was holding his breath as he moved the knife, waiting for the man beside him to say something, to start an argument. He wouldn’t have blamed him. He was used to it, anyhow.

Carmy was tense and braced for a cutting remark, thinking that was why Kalia had been kindly invited to leave the room. He heard the man next to him take a breath and he pinned his lips together in a flat line as he got ready to just get through whatever was coming next.

“Grab a couple bowls out of the cabinet behind me?” Rich said, no angry inflection to his voice at all. Carmy didn’t respond right away because he was still waiting for the hammer to drop. The only thing that got him into motion was the fact that Rich turned and actually looked at him. “Just need two more so we can bring these out. Big ones,” he said, gesturing to the last of the food they’d just finished prepping.

Swallowing past the panic, Carmy nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

He turned and went to the cabinet to grab everything. He had a bowl in one hand and just as he was going to grab the other from the shelf, it slipped from his grip and landed on the floor. It wasn’t a terribly far drop but it was enough to cause it to break, fracturing into pieces scattered across the floor.

“Shit, shit,” Carmy began stammering as he set the other bowl back on the shelf before he accidentally dropped that one too. He was too busy letting out a string of fuck’s and so sorry’s to realize that he was the only one who was worked up about what had just happened.

Kalia had heard the sound and spun on her heel immediately to go and make sure that everything was okay. “Hey, all good?”

“Sorry,” Carmy repeated over again as he stood up, a few of the larger pieces of ceramic in his hands. “I, I just, I fuckin’ dropped—” He stopped short, still shaking his head as he placed the pieces in the trash. “I’m sorry.”

Kalia’s heart clenched inside her chest, knowing that his reaction to such a small, fairly common, accident had to do with much more than what had just happened. “Carmen, it’s fine.”

“Yeah,” her uncle piped in, calm as ever as he brought over the broom and dustpan. “No big deal. Hey,” he chuckled, “least we didn’t have any food in it yet.”

Carmy forced out a short chuckle, not quite accepting that he was getting off the hook that easily. “Right.” His hands were all but trembling against his sides as he looked across the kitchen at Kalia. He didn’t want to step out but he also didn’t want to combust in the middle of her parents’ kitchen. He nodded towards the door. “I’m, I think I’m gonna just, real quick.”

She nodded. “You’re good.”

Rich didn’t say anything until he was done sweeping and putting the last few pieces of the shattered bowl into the garbage. By that point Carmy had slipped his shoes back on and stepped out the front door. He looked over at Kalia, silently but with a look on his face that asked the question for him.

“Christmas is hard. F-family is hard.”

He gave a nod of acknowledgement but didn’t say anything else about it. “Seems like a good kid.”

Her face softened into a smile. “He is.”

He pointed towards the door with the handle of the broom. “Go ahead. I’ll set the rest of this up.”

She gave him a quick hug to say thank you before she followed the same path that Carmy had just taken. She was pulling her jacket on over her shoulders as she stepped outside. Carmy was sitting on the front step of her parents’ house, one hand holding a cigarette and the other pressed to his forehead like it was the only thing stopping his head from rolling clean off.

She sat down next to him. Rather than saying anything, she let her leg fall so that it was resting against the side of his. They sat there in silence at first, just staring at the house across the street with it’s countless lights and so many inflatable decorations on the front lawn, the cords for them alone must’ve been a fire hazard.

Carmy offered the cigarette over to her out of reflex, exhaling a stream of smoke as he held his hand out to her. She smiled and took it, going back to looking across the street as she said, “Do you want to call them?”

He shook his head. He watched her bring the smoke to her lips before saying, “No. No, no I don’t think—no.” He paused, clearing his throat in an attempt to dispel his own awkward feelings. “Sorry about the bowl.”

She smiled at him as she handed the cigarette back. “It’s fine. There’s usually one or two fallen soldiers every holiday.”

He nodded, heart rate still spiked. “Right.” He took another drag. “They seem nice—your family.”

“Yeah, they’re alright,” she joked.

“Your uncle calls you Kali.”

She nodded, leaning against his side. “He does.” She tilted her head so that she was looking at him. “What about it?”

He shook his head. “Nothing. Just, I always—just something I noticed.”

“Well, when my sister was around having Luci and Lia would’ve been, I don’t know, borderline cruel?” she laughed. “So he settled on Kali for me. Besides, my uncle called you a good kid. So we’re both doing alright.” She watched as he smiled for a moment and snubbed out the last of the cigarette. “You okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah. S-sorry. About all of that. And this.”

She placed her hand on his leg. “Wanna go eat?”

“Yeah.” He slowly stood up and offered her a hand to help do the same. “Thank you.”

She brushed off the backs of her legs. “Of course. You know—”

They both gave pause when they heard Carmy’s phone going off again. She saw him hesitate before taking it out to see who was calling even though they both already knew. Natalie’s name was lighting up the screen now. Carmy was picturing what his mom’s house was probably like at that point, certainly not as quiet and happy as what was waiting for him on the other side of the door that he was currently standing in front of.

“Do you wanna answer? Talk to them for a minute? I can, you know,” she gestured to the house.

Carmy thought on it until he missed the call. It was only then that he shook his head. “No. No it’s fine.” He shut his phone completely off. “I’ll figure that shit out later.”

There was a brief moment of hesitation but she nodded. “Okay.”

He watched her reach for the door. It took a couple seconds to for him to make his thoughts translate into motion, but once he did, he reached for her hand that wasn’t on the door. He pulled her back just enough to stop her from opening the door. When she turned around to ask him if everything was alright, he pulled her in and pressed a kiss to her lips that quickly turned into a kiss on her cheek as he wrapped his arms around her in a hug. He hooked his chin over her shoulder, squeezing her tight to him as he shut his eyes for a moment. She returned the embrace, matching his energy with one hand splayed across his back and the other resting on the back of his head.

When he pulled away, some of the tension was gone from his shoulders. Despite the gap between them, his fingers were still tangled with hers. He offered a small, almost embarrassed smile. “Thank you, you know, for, for all this.”

Her smile was wide, bright. Nodding, she leaned in and kissed him quickly on the lips. “You’re always welcome here.”

That was the last that either of them said about it before heading back into the house. As soon as they opened the door they could hear the sounds of bowls being passed around and set down on the table. Everyone was talking and laughing, all of the conversation condensed into one space now.

No one batted an eye when the two of them stepped into the dining room and found their seats at one end of the table. They got pulled right into the conversation like they had been there the entire time. Carmy’s leg bounced lightly underneath the table as he looked at all the food spread out in front of them all.

Managing to get himself out of his head for a moment, he accepted the bowl that was being passed to him. Kalia’s uncle nodded as he handed it over, following it up with a pair of chopsticks. “Know how to use those?” he asked with a laugh.

Carmy chuckled as he nodded, smile coming easier than he thought it would. “I do alright, yeah.”

“Good,” he remarked as he sat back down. Laughter was tinging his voice as he said, “Be a shame if you did all that work and you couldn’t eat any of it.”

“Yeah,” Carmy agreed, laughing along with him, “that’d be rough.”

He was so focused on the sound of everyone laughing and talking that he almost didn’t realize the way that Kalia placed her hand on his leg again. He didn’t notice it until he felt himself stop jittering. He turned to look at her, about to reassure her that he was fine, but she was already wrapped up in a conversation with her cousin. Carmy smiled, putting his hand on top of hers as it rested on his leg. She didn’t miss a beat in her conversation as she gave his hand a gentle squeeze. He felt a little more of the tension drip out from his shoulders as he settled into his seat, wrapping his head around where he really was.

[readingwiththereids]

yanda! speaks: hello my pretties! as promised, here is chapter 2! again, minimal carm so i’m sorry but we do get to see camila interact with the rest of the gang <3 hope you like it, don’t forget to like and reblog! lots of love and light 🤎

masterlist

night rain ; chapter 2

2022

Emilia was hyper and extremely difficult to tire out. Even after a two-hour trip to the park filled with nonstop monkey bars and swings, the young girl still always had another activity in mind for her and her mother to do. And that was why Camila was currently trying to stop Emilia from jumping from couch to chair and cracking her head open as they played “pirates”.

“Emmy, I swear to God if you jump, I won’t make you pudding for a week.” Camila yelled as she eyed her daughter sternly.

As the toddler huffed and sat down on the arm of the couch, a muffled ringtone sounded from under the pile of toys on the living room floor prompting Cam to rush to answer. It was Tina.

“Mami? ¿Qué pasó?” [What happened?]

“Why would you assume something happened, Camila? What if I just wanted to hear your voice?”

“Because when I tried to call you during the day last week you told me to, and I quote, ‘hop off your dick’.”

“Okay but that was different, I actually want something from you now.”

“So you do need something.” Camila chuckled into the speaker.

“Yes. Yes, whatever, God you’re just as bad as the new girl.”

“Who?” 

“No one. Could you please be my darling daughter and bring me one of my extra clean aprons? Your boyfriend won’t stop yelling at me about it.”

Ignoring the way her mother referred to Carmy, Camila replied watching Emilia start to yawn on the couch, “Are you aware that your darling daughter is also the mother to a two-year-old?” 

“Isn’t it nap time? Just bring her with, she can sleep in the car.”

A pause.

“Will you take care of her on Friday during the gala?” 

^^^^^^^^^

“I’ll be right back.” Camila whispered as she exited and locked her child in the car.

5 minutes. Just 5.

The woman thought as she hesitantly walked through the door of The Beef before being met with almost half a dozen bodies hovering around what seemed to be sandwiches.

“Cam?” 

Marcus spotted her first, immediately walking around the group to engulf her in a huge bear hug. Suddenly everyone was surrounding her. She couldn’t even count how many hugs, kisses on the cheek and pats on the back she received from her chosen family. The commotion obviously summoned the king of noise and ruckus himself, Richie and an unknown girl with multi-coloured braids trailing behind him. 

“As I live and breathe!” Richie’s voice boomed through the front of house.

“Hey, Cousin.” Camila laughed as he picked her up and spun her around.

“Feel like I haven’t seen you in ages, Mini.”

“Likewise,” she said before turning to the girl she had yet to be introduced to. “Camila, nice to meet you.” she smiled.

“Hi! My name’s Sydney, I’m staging today.”

“Awesome, I hope everyone’s made you feel welcome.” 

Angel stepped in, clearing up the confusion on Sydney’s side. “Cam is Tina’s daughter.” 

“And Carmen’s ex-girlfriend.” Ebra loudly whispered.

“Ebraheim, you know you can’t whisper.” Tina rolled her eyes, slapping his arm.

Breaking the awkwardness, Sweeps walked up to Camila with a sandwich in his hand. “Yo, you gotta try this.”

“Holy shit, this is fu-”

“Fucking fire, we know!” Richie groaned. “I don’t know why you all act like Cousin shits out a golden egg every time he makes something, nothing is that good!”

“Well, have you tried it, Richard?” Camila asked.

The scruffy man paused before shaking his head as if that was one of the most absurd questions anyone had ever dared to utter in his presence.

“Exactly,” Cam continued. “Also, I’ve seen you eat a slice of pizza off the floor in the middle of Millennium Park, so I’m not entirely sure if your standards are up to code, Rich.”

That statement resulted in many exclaims and expressions of disgust, amusement and pure shock which were all interrupted when the kitchen door slammed open.

“Alright! Everyone stop standing around, we only have an hour left till-”

When Camen looked up from his phone and saw the very reason his employees refused to get back to work, he froze. Believe it or not, this was the first time in three years that he had seen Camila’s face. After she left, she never told him where she went, removed him from all her social media, left some money for him to pay off their apartment and basically disappeared off of the face of the earth. It hit him hard at first but he soon realised that he had to just keep going, keep himself busy, which his career did a fine job at. 

However, it still felt weird seeing her again. Not exactly like reopening an old wound but rather reminding him of one that never really healed, that he’d just forgotten was still hurting.

Due to his train of thought, Carmy failed to notice that the room had almost entirely cleared out, leaving just him and the woman he’d been in love with once (and honestly was still in love with).

“Hi.” he eventually croaked out.

“Hi.” she smiled sadly.

yanda! speaks (again): cam in her bad mom era tbh. like girl why are you leaving your child in the car in the middle of river north?? 🤨

🏷️ list: @rexorangecouny @louderfortheback

[dm me to get on the tag list :b]

[bittersweetarts]

Shades of Cool - Carmy Berzatto Fanfiction (The Bear)

Summary: Carmy Berzatto never considered himself to be lonely, just frequently alone. His neighbor however, makes him think otherwise.

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language

AO3 Page - Spotify Playlist

Chapter 1: Strangers

At half past midnight, Carmen Berzatto did not expect to find his neighbor perched against the wall, beside the dull wood door, which was built next to his own.

The young woman was clothed in an oversized burgundy jacket and a black dress, too short for Chicago’s bitter winter, and had her eyes shut, with her arms wrapped around herself. Her brown hair was limp against the side of her face. Carmen Berzatto also did not fail to notice how the girl was slightly shivering. She’s cold? Who would’ve fucking guessed.

Normally, Carmen Berzatto did not deal with shit that had nothing to do with him. God knows he has enough on his own plate.

Yes, he knew his neighbor, but vaguely so. He did not know her name, or literally anything about her.

Instead, Carmen Berzatto knew her as the girl who lived in Apartment 3B.

Unlike him, who slept until noon, Carmen knew that the girl, his neighbor, was a morning person; or at least had a job which forced her to be. She woke up at the crack of dawn every single day and played obnoxious music which seeped through the building’s thin walls, and Carmen could hear it in his sleep sometimes.

Carmen Berzatto could have nicely asked his neighbor to shut it off, but he knew that he probably was not great neighbor towards her either. In between the stench of his cigarettes, his screaming from night terrors and the fire alarms going off in his kitchen, Carmen Berzatto was sure that his neighbor hated him.

Yet, she didn’t. Because on many afternoons, as Carmy set off to oversee construction at The Bear, he would bump into her upon leaving. And the girl, always dressed more nicely than he was, would politely greet him, with a genuine smile, catching him off-guard.

This time however, Carmy Berzatto is the first one to greet her. Letting out a heavy breath, Carmy removed the hands from his pocket and walked up to the sleeping girl. Stood in front of her, he realized that he didn’t know what he should do.

How am I supposed to wake her without scaring her into thinking that I’m fucking Ted Bundy re-incarnated?

Thankfully, Carmy Berzatto did not have to contemplate his options for long at all, as the brunette, sensing a warm body near her, softly opened her eyes, to find a pair of familiar vibrant blue ones watching her. Slightly shaking her head, the young girl sat up straight and tilted her head, waiting for the man before her to speak.

“Evening.”

Carmy Berzatto mumbled, his gaze falling to the ground. What the fuck was he doing. That’s the only thing that ran through Carmy’s mind, as the girl before him stared back, with her bright hazel eyes.

“Hello.”

Her soft voice ricocheted along the narrow hallway.

It was silent for a heartbeat, as the girl stared back at Carmy. The silence was comfortable, in a way which confused Carmy Berzatto. Snap out of it.

“Everythin’ alright?”

Carmy brought his gaze back up to meet her’s. She, the girl, was pretty, Carmy noticed. Younger than he was for sure. Her face was done up nicely, in a way that was not too much. When was the last time he noticed things like that about a woman? He couldn’t remember.

With a tight smile, the girl responded.

“Peachy.”

Pressing his own lips together, Carmy Berzatto glanced at his door and contemplated whether to leave her and head to his apartment. It was obvious that his neighbor was locked out, and this was a first for him to see, in the months since he moved into the block. What did it matter to him?

“Already called maintenance?” Carmy spoke up, tilting his head to her door. This elicited a humorless laugh from the girl, who uncrossed her arms and pulled out a phone from her leather jacket’s pocket.

“Phone’s dead. Not that it matters, maintenance can’t fix a broken key.”

“… a broken key?”

Carmy’s brows furrowed at the girl’s response, and this seemed to humor her, as a bright smile broke out on her face.

“A broken key. I know, I can’t believe it either. Snapped in half when I was unlocking the door after coming back a few hours ago from a shitty date. Perfect end to the night.”

With her other hand, the girl took out a key, or rather the remnants of one, yawning as she did so.

As he looked at the broken key in the palm of her hand, Carmy couldn’t help but feel sympathy towards her. She was right, maintenance couldn’t help her. She would have to call someone in, and whoever that is, it would be only tomorrow morning, if at that. It was a Sunday, so even if she managed to get a locksmith to come in, they would charge premium rates. Letting out another sigh, Carmy’s righthand unconsciously snaked towards the back of his neck, rubbing at it lightly.

“You can borrow my phone. Call family or a friend.” As he spoke, Carmy pulled out his phone, reaching it out to his neighbor. At this, the girl’s smile strained.

“No one to call.”

And that is how Carmen Berzatto, unexpectedly, found himself inviting a girl to stay over at his place, at the early hours before dawn.

Carmy should have minded his own fucking business, he knew better. But it’s not like he could leave the barely clothed girl outside on her own, especially now that he knew she was all alone. Even though she was his height, she was still frail in appearance, and Carmy knew that a girl like her shouldn’t be left alone, even in the hallways of a building. Surely she could have gone to a 24-hour diner or some motel. Unless she only uses Apple Pay. Fucking Steve Jobs.

The girl, despite feeling apprehensive about accepting his offer, fearing that he might be a murderer, still accepted his offer, thanking him for his generosity. His large stature and the tattoos which she spotted on his hand as he unlocked his door intimidated her, but she tried to rationalize things to herself.

“Seline Hepburn.”

The young brunette called out as her new host had his back towards her. Turning around, the side of his lip tilted upwards slightly as he nodded.

“Carmy. Carmy Berzatto.”

“Nice to meet you, Carmy. To meet you properly, that is.”

Seline responded, her hands clasped behind her back. Upon entering, she was immediately slapped with the smell of cigarettes. She didn’t love it, but it didn’t bother her either.

Her eyes strayed towards room, taking in the surroundings as Carmy flicked a switch, the room’s ceiling lights flickering on after. As Seline glanced around the room, seeing how normal it looked, her smile relaxed. Not a murderer. Seline hoped.

His home was not much, Carmy knew that, and he never cared about it before. So why was he feeling slightly self-conscious about it now?

“Thank you again, genuinely. You can leave me here, I’ll sleep on the sofa. I promise not to rob your TV set or anything else here – Scout’s honor.”

Seline declared, placing a hand onto her heart. Carmy let a slight chuckle, and decided that he must have been really tired, because why else would he find her joke funny. Stripping off his winter coat, hanging it on a nearby hook, Carmy turned back to face Seline, who was still stood somewhat awkwardly by the door.

Normally, when Carmy returned home, he would eat whatever crap he had in the pantry, watching re-runs of whatever cooking show was on, until he fell finally asleep. Sleeping did not come easy to Carmy Berzatto, and as he watched his guest, her eyes wide and bright, he realized that the girl might suffer from a similar affliction.

“Hungry?”

“Starving.” Seline’s bright smile returned to her face.

“This is the best meal I have had since moving here, what the fuck.” Seline exclaimed, as her fork scraped the sauce remnants on her plate. Carmy raised brows at her statement, not believing her.

The kitchen was warm, taken hostage by the smell of sizzling onions and garlic, aromatically sweet. Seline loved eating good food dearly, and as she devoured the pasta before her, she felt on top of the world.

Unaccustomed to cooking at home, Carmy had little to work with. Consequently, what he managed to whip up, was very lackluster, in his opinion: Spaghetti Aglio e Olio. Spaghetti with garlic and olive oil. The dish name sounds more impressive, and pretentious, than it actually is.

Carmy was used to having eyes on him whilst he was preparing meals, but rather than judgmental, Seline’s eyes were comforting. He didn’t mind being watched by her, nor her company, he realized not long after he started cooking. She did not feel the need to talk unnecessarily, and Carmy appreciated that, especially after how long his day has been.

The two strangers were stood in his spacious kitchen, leaning against the cabinets whilst eating their late dinners, mostly in comfortable silence. Unlike Carmy, who kept his eyes glued to the ground, Seline was attentively watching the man, as though he was the most interesting thing in the world.

“You must be easy to impress then.”

Carmy finally answered back, bluntly, as he approached Seline. For a moment, he wondered whether he had offended the girl, but he didn’t have to for long, as his comment garnered a light laugh from her.

Taking hold of her empty plate, Carmy turned to the sink, and began to rinse the dishes.

“No, Carmy, please let me. You have been so kind and courteous, it’s the least I can do.” Seline protested, coming up to Carmy, close enough that he could smell her. Earthy, like sage. Carmy Berzatto found the scent comforting.

Carmy ignored her protests, focusing on the motions of scrubbing the dishes. Understanding that he was not going to oblige with her request, Seline leaned near the counter, crossing her arms, let to her own devices, or rather, her thoughts.

Seline wanted to ask her neighbor where he had learned to cook so impressively. She wanted to ask him about his tattoos, which were spread across his muscular arms, exposed in his simple white tee. Seline wanted to pry into his life.

This was one of Seline Hepburn’s worst traits. Seline was a curious child growing up, and as she grew older, she found herself drawn to anything, and anyone. When she was younger, Seline would open herself up entirely to people she hardly knew, believing that companionship could grow from there. But Seline learned from her past that being caring and compassionate only leads to pain.

So instead, Seline refrained herself and kept her cool, smiling at her new-found acquaintance as he cleaned the dishes, and then the countertop and cooker. Carmy didn’t seem keen to talk or share his life story anyway, so it was not difficult to remain silent, just watching him.

And watching him was… interesting? How could Seline describe it?

All those days she had seen him in passing, Seline had never particularly noticed her neighbor. Their meetings were fleeting, and beyond Carmy’s captivating eyes, there was nothing remarkable about his appearance. Or so Seline thought.

Now watching him, his stoic face focused and his arms tense as he worked, Seline felt herself flush. He was really handsome, and Seline felt like she could admire him as people admired works of art. Observing him, Seline had long forgotten about what lead her to this point in the night.

“Pretty girls like you normally have boyfriends to go to. Where’s yours?”

Carmy spoke up as he finished cleaning, pulling out a pack of cigarettes. He offered the box to Seline, who declined, shaking her head, before tilting it to the side and responding to his comment, cheekily smiling.

“You think I’m pretty?”

Though Carmy remains silent, this reaps a small smile from him, his cigarette hanging on the side of his lip. This made Seline feel triumphant, and perhaps that is why she ended up oversharing about her personal life, despite her earlier resolve not to. Leaning more into the countertop, she answered lowly.

“My boyfriend is sleeping around with my best friend. Hence, I don’t have a boyfriend, or a best friend, to call now.”

As Seline finished, her eyes shifted towards the open window, her smile dropping and her mood turning sullen. The view was nothing spectacular, just another brick building, with no life, all its residents asleep. As Seline looked away, Carmy intently watched her, her chest rising and falling steadily, betraying little of her feelings beyond apathy. Carmy thought that girls were usually more emotional with shit like this.

In the brief time they had spent together, Carmy had become accustomed to the happiness that radiated from Seline, which was perhaps why he tried to cheer her up, without even intending to, which was abnormal for his character. Taking another drag of his cigarette, Carmy spoke up again.

“Well, pretty girls also shouldn’t have to deal with shitty boyfriends.” Another drag of the cigarette.

“… you’re better off.”

Seline turned back to face Carmy but kept her eyes down. Instead, she observed his tattoos, or rather the ones that are visible. They were – silly, cute – Seline thought. A snail. The outline of a globe contained in a beaker. A knife stabbing a hand. The letters – S O U – detained on his fingers. He is either a nut job, a dealer, or a chef. Can’t imagine many offices would be keen on having him around.

Forcing a smile, Seline raised her eyes, and met Carmy’s stare. In most circumstances, a silence drawn out as theirs would be awkward, uncomfortable. But it wasn’t for them. In the background, the city murmurs quietly, accompanied by the sound of sirens and kitchen static.

“So is Sou your girl or your wife?” Seline jested, a genuine grin sneaking on her mouth. Carmy’s brows furrowed in response, confused.

“Sue?”

Seline raised her own hand, showing her bare knuckles.

“S-O-U, Sou?”

At this, Carmy let out a laugh. He really must be more tired than he thought. Glancing to her left, Seline found a mug, with various pencils and pens. And a sharpie, perfect.

Seline quickly grabbed the black sharpie from the mug, and gently grasped Carmy’s left hand, which wasn’t holding his diminishing cigarette. Carmy, unfazed by her actions, merely jutted his chin down, watching his neighbor.

“Did your tattoo artist forget the -P or -S?” It took Carmy a few moments to process her question.

“You really think I wanted SOUP to be inked on me forever?”

“Some people really love soup. Who am I to judge?”

Seline took his response to mean that an -S was missing. Sous. A sous-chef then. The brunette thought. Taking the sharpie, she carefully tried to mimic the font and size of the rest of the letters. As she finished, she set down the sharpie, her eyes still fixed on his hand, and she let her fingers trace over the tattoos on his fingers, her maroon nails gently scraping over his skin.

Her hands were cool, Carmy noticed. He liked it, the feeling of her cold touch against his warm skin. Carmy knew that he was warm-blooded. It was not unusual for him, in Chicago’s freezing weather, to be underdressed. He deduced that Seline was not the same. Even now, she was dressed in her heavy jacket indoors. Maybe he should turn the heater on?

“Xanny or lasagna?”

“What?”

Carmy’s eyes widened slightly in surprise, and when Seline looked back up at him, he felt like he was deer caught in the headlights.

“Do you sell xanny or lasagna?” Seline asked, her smile bright as stars. Carmy couldn’t help but laugh again. When was the last time he laughed so much?

“Lasagna, I guess.”

He made more than just lasagna, Carmy thought. We didn’t even serve lasagna at the fucking Beef. But why should she care?

“So you’re a chef?”

Carmy nodded, his face back to a neutral expression. Feeling triumphant about guessing correctly from the beginning, Seline’s smile grew even wider. She then let go of his hand, leaning back against the countertop, and Carmy was saddened by that for a moment.

Shaking his head slightly, Carmy crushed his cigarette stub into a nearby ashtray. The fumes started affecting Seline, who let out a yawn, which made Carmy realize how tired she looked now, her eyes red and glossy. Glancing at the clock, he saw how late it was. Past one in the morning.

“Take my bed, I’ll take the couch.” Carmy said, walking out of the kitchen, expecting his neighbor to follow. Follow Seline did, albeit a little behind, as she stood in the kitchen alone for a moment, thinking on what he said.

“Wait, I can sleep on the couch, it’s not an issue at all. I can sleep on the floor if you’d prefer, I don’t mind as long as you don’t have any rats.”

Seline ranted as she caught up to Carmy, who turned around to face her as she finished. Flatly, he answered.

“I do have rats. Take the bed.”

Seline’s diluted eyes widened as Carmy spoke. She stared at him blankly, feeling slightly sick now, at the thought of there being rodents in the building. As she did, a small smile appeared on Carmy’s face. He found her reaction cute, as though she was a little girl. It took Seline a moment to realize that he was not serious.

“… and you’re fucking with me. Asshole.”

Seline muttered, pulling on the sleeves of her jacket as her stare dropped. She then strode ahead of him, to what she assumed was his bedroom, and Carmy watched her amusingly.

“Yes, I’m fucking with you, princess.”

At his mocking pet name, Seline turned around to face her host, in front of the closed door of his room, her brows cross.

“I thought we were getting along with each.” Seline muttered again, but her tone half-serious, half-joking.

“We aren’t?” Carmy responded, his arms crossed in front of him, the muscles on his forearms tense.

Carmy was a lot more closer to her than he realized, but Seline noticed. Though they were the same height (or were they, maybe Seline was slightly taller than Carmy), Seline still felt small in front of him.

There was something about him, so unlike the guys she was used to meeting. Carmy was harsh and intimidating, Seline could tell. But he was also soft… tender? As she stared at his blue eyes, Seline felt stupid for thinking about this, for making shit up in her head.

But was she imagining something between them, she wondered, especially when she saw his eyes stray lower, to her lips, and then lower. When his arms uncrossed and a hand slivered towards her, she did not move, nor flinch. She merely tilted her head in anticipation, but was met with disappointment, as Carmy’s hand grasped the door handle before her, opening the bedroom door.

As he did, Seline unconsciously moved to the side in surprise, and Carmy strode into the cold room, small in size and empty, except for the few pieces of furniture which did little to make the room seem not bare. In contrast, Seline’s apartment was loud and lively, stuffed to the brim with books and other knickknacks, as though she were a tidy hoarder.

Wordlessly, Carmy switched on the lights and rummaged through his dresser, and then turned around, handing Seline a pair of dark sweatpants and a long-sleeved top. Mumbling a silent “thanks”, Seline began stripping off her jacket, much to the shock of Carmy, who immediately turned around and turned his gaze downward.

“Oh… you are changing here. Like here, right now.”

This made Seline laugh, her teeth chattering slightly as she shivered in her lingerie, before putting on his clothing, which was soft to the touch. It smelled like fresh laundry.

“Don’t tell me you’re a prude, Carmy.”

He slightly chokes at this, and keeps his eyes glued to the floor, remaining silent. When she finishes, Seline watches him for a moment. Seline has shared a bed with friends many times before, and they were kind of friends, in some weird, convoluted way, right?

“You can turn around now. I’m dressed.” Seline said as she began folding her small dress, placing it atop the dresser. Instead of facing her, Carmy headlined towards the door, but before he could leave, the young brunette grasped his wrist.

“Listen, I am not letting you sleep on the couch in your own home.” Seline protested. Turning to face her, Carmy met her gaze.

“It’s not a big deal. I sleep there most nights.” Seline shook her head, not believing him, despite the fact that he was telling the truth.

“Share the bed with me.” Carmy raised his brows at this.

“It’s not a big deal, honestly. And tomorrow morning, you’ll lend me your phone, so that I can call a locksmith. Wait, do you have an iPhone charger?” Carmy’s brows raised even more incredulously.

“Yes, beside the nightstand.”

“Great.” Seline walked away from Carmy, digging through the pockets of her jacket, before approaching the nightstand to plug her phone in, still speaking.

“See, I don’t even need to borrow your phone. I’ll call the locksmith tomorrow, go back to my home, feed my little turtles, and we can go back to being strangers, slash neighbors.”

As Seline finished, she sat down on the bed, tilting her head, waiting for him to say something. But he doesn’t and continues to stare at her emotionlessly.

Sighing, Seline stood up, and continued speaking as she walked towards the door, where Carmy stood, his arms crossed again.

“It’s fine. I really appreciate you not letting me stay out on the hallway. Take the bed and I’ll take the couch. It’s not a big deal.”

Carmy doesn’t budge as Seline stood in front of him. Stood in front of him so closely, Seline felt small, despite him not being taller than her. The two of them stare at each other silently for a heartbeat before Carmy finally speaks.

“You’ve got turtles? As in plural?” Carmy’s side of the lip tilts as he shakes his head. At this, Seline lightly slaps his chest, letting out a laugh.

“Is that the only thing you heard?” Seline shook her head in slight disbelief, and waited for Carmy to move so that she could leave the bedroom. He doesn’t though, and remains silent, staring at her, the two almost touching each other. Not brown. Her eyes are not brown. They have some grey in them. Or a muted green. Carmy noticed silently.

Sighing aloud, Seline took a step backward, and then another, until she reached the bed, the side of the nightstand, which was near the bedroom’s window. There were no curtains, Seline noticed. She sat down on the bed again, and stared at Carmy, who was still stood by the door. Shaking her head again, she slipped under the duvet cover, turning her back to her host.

And Carmy, while watching her, contemplated his options. The couch was fine, he really did sleep there most nights. But for some reason, he couldn’t understand why he felt drawn towards her, Seline. Fucking testosterone.

Glancing back once more at Seline, who still had her back to him, Carmy exhaled and quietly rummaged through his dresser for a towel and change of clothing, before switching off the lights and leaving the bedroom.

Feeling dirty from the day, Carmy headed to his bathroom, and stripped his clothing for a quick shower. As he mechanically scrubbed his body clean, Carmy’s mind was else. He was so distracted that he didn’t notice how he roughly scrubbed away the -S drawn onto his finger only a while earlier.

In addition to the usual anxious thoughts about The Bear, especially as its opening is behind schedule, due to another fucking burst pipe, something else crossed Carmy’s mind, for the first time in a while.

His night terrors, and sleep-walking/cooking. He hasn’t experienced them in months now, not since he read Mikey’s letter and shut The Beef. Really, there was no reason for him to have them that night, and nothing had stressed him out particularly more that day. The Bear was doing good enough, they will be able to catch up on the schedule. Finances were fine. The family was getting along, even fucking cousin and Sidney.

But then again, there was still one thing that never failed to drive him crazy: Mikey.

“Shut the fuck up.” Carmy absently mumbled to himself as he turned off the shower faucet. Carmy hated when he was alone like this, with no work to distract him. His thoughts were too much for him to bear sometimes. Too fucking much.

Exhaling loudly, Carmy dried himself, and put on his clothing. In his pants and wifebeater, Carmy passively brushed his teeth whilst staring at his reflection. He tried to focus on his appearance, anything to distract himself. He hasn’t shaved in a couple days, and it was obvious. And as usual, his overgrown hair demanded a barber.

The apartment was dead silent as he laid down on his couch, which was musty and in need of a deep clean. Normally, he smoked before sleep, but he didn’t feel like it now. Instead, he stared at his TV set, debating whether to switch it on. He didn’t care about what was on, whatever it was, it would be distracting enough.

The remote was on the stand though, not within arm’s reach.

Sighing, Carmy stood and went up to the TV. But he didn’t grab the remote. Instead, he stared at it, before he impulsively walked past it, and towards his bedroom once again.

The room was dark as he quietly entered, except for the city lights which crept in through the window. Carmy gently sat on the bed, trying not to wake Seline, who still had her back, and was about to lie down, until a girlish voice echoed through the room, making Carmy flinch in surprise.

“Good night.”

Seline turned around to face him, her voice cloudy with sleep. Is she a light sleeper? Carmy thought.

“Night.” Carmy finally responded, laying down on his side of the bed. He faced the ceiling, watching the fluorescent lights that shone onto it. I really need to get some fucking curtains.

And Seline, half-awake now, watched him, her face half buried into the only pillow on the bed. She probably was ruining it with her makeup, but she couldn’t care. I’ll wash it for him tomorrow. Seline resolved sleepily.

At that moment, she did not notice that Carmy not only let her have the pillow, but the comforter entirely as well. What she did notice though, was how dreamlike Carmy looked. Even in the dark, his eyes were glowing, and his features reminded her of the statues that you see in museums.

Carmy could feel her lingering stare, but again, he didn’t mind it. After some time though, he spoke up, still not feeling tired at all.

“Bife de tartaruga.” Carmy whispered, so quietly that he didn’t expect Seline to hear him.

“What?” Seline responded, her voice bouncing off the walls again.

“Bife de tartaruga. It’s a Cape Verdean dish. Turtle steak. I made it once.”

His time at the CIA, the Culinary Institute of America, flashed through his eyes. Pierre Thiam, a visiting chef, taught the dish in an elective class he attended once. He even got to try it. It was really fucking good, the acidic turtle flesh melting into his mouth.

Carmy felt the bed shift slightly, and suddenly, he was softly smacked on the head with a pillow. His pillow. Her girlish laughter followed, and she giggled through her words as well.

“Shut up.”

Seline’s laugh was warm, real, and Carmy couldn’t help but smile at it.

Author’s Note: Carmy is so babygirl – I had to write a story about him, I really had to, you know

– Chapter 2

[vtopiia]

Title: Clocked out

Show/Movie: The Bear

Love interest (s): Carmen Berzatto

Main/Original character: Cleopatra “Cleo” Starkey ; played by Deborah Ann Woll

Writing stages:

Plot? I’d say about 90% done ig? needs some more work

Outline? COMPLETELY FUCKING FINISHED (go me)

Anything actually written? I’m working on the first chapter right now! roughly 1k words in

Posted? Not yet, gonna try and write it all first so ik none of it needs altering, and then I’ll do it chapter by chapter

Edit count? 5 & 1/2

Current focus? Working on some OBX fics rn, so I’ve taken a break but I’ll be right back

Plot details: (the ones I wish to disclose…)

Cleo has been working at The Beef for about six months before Michael dies; Her and Michael grew close over the time they knew each other, eventually starting to see each other outside of work. Often in the evenings, be it getting something to eat, or him walking her home just so they could talk.

Multiple things happen between the two of them (spoilers shh) just before he dies, and so afterwards she kind of retracts away from the restaurant, and into herself as she quietly blames herself for what happened.

Once Carmen shows up, it’s been a few weeks and despite her having seemingly quit with no notice, she tries to get her job back; something Richie was firmly against (again, to be disclosed at a later date), but Carmen wanted all the help they could get and she already knew the kitchen and the crew, so he hires her again. (With a distinct lack of background knowledge)

The second half, follows cleo as she helps the place get back on its feet, and as the relationship between her and Carmy grows more tense. (and then snaps-)

[peachandbear]

Aight all I can offer for now is this rushed art I did of Carmy and Peach 🤧 it's based of this artists template for the dynamic of ships they like

[nobitchs-world]

When y/n gets too annoying to the point you want to stop reading

[melaninforkings]

a piece of me dies every time im reading a fic and taylor swift lyrics pop up😭 then i realize the description of the oc or “reader” are very white coded like OH! that’s not…

[thecapricunt1616]

The Bear & His Honey - Chapter 19

Blurb (More BTC): “Baby you’re stressed- I hear it in your voice let’s go have a cigarette mm?” I gently touch his shoulder and he rolled it to get me to stop  “Jesus y’fucking needy. I said no! I fuckin quit, ok? Do you need me to say it 3 fucking times so that you remember I told you? I quit. I fucking quit, okay? has it sunk into your fuckin memory? Ok, good Now get out of my fuckin face. There’s no available seats, and I don’t have time to fuck around and listen t’you talk about bull” he went right back to plating the food and my mouth drops a bit.

♡ Chapter Inspo: "You're Losing Me" - Taylor Swift ♡ Summary: Carmy is dead set on getting a star because he thinks it will assure Syd will stay at the restaurant. Winnie is sick and tired of his attitude lately ♡ W/C: 11.1K+ ♡ A/N: Hello everyone !!! It has been a while since we have visited Carmy and Winnie! Most of you are new here, I don't think i've posted a TB&HH chapter since I had like 100 something followers? Anyhow, this is my OC fic! I hope you enjoy it. You can find the landing page right here if you'd like to read from the beginning / catch up on the last chapter By the way i'm still doing my 300 celebration blackout bingo if you wanted to send in a request! Or if none of those tickle your fancy I have a list of prompts, as well as my rules here on my masterlist! Or, If you just wanna talk i'm always here! ♡ Warnings for BTC: Swearing, Kinda verbally abusive behavior, Sad!Winnie, Alcohol/Drug use, Asshole!Carmy (thanks S3!!!)

♡ 𝐌𝐲 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐬 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐧𝐞-𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐚𝐠𝐞 ♡ ➵ 𝘊𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 / 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘵 ♡ ➵ 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐬 ♡ ➵ My 300 Follower Celebration Bingo! ➵ Catch up on Chapter 18!

It had been 3 weeks since Carmy had seen his mother. He had called Natalie back when he got out of the shower, and stood on the balcony for about 40 minutes chain smoking like a steam train while he spoke to her, and when he came back inside he just wanted to cuddle and watch cooking shows the rest of the day, to which considering the shit week he’d had and it was only Monday- was to be expected.  

After the bruise had gone down enough to be covered with makeup, he threw himself in to his work harder then I’d ever seen before. He would leave the house at 4:30, and not be back until midnight every night. And then, he would stay up until 2 playing around with new recipes and replating dishes over and over, thumping it into the garbage each time he felt it wasn’t just right. 

Something was…different with him lately. I assumed it was just the toll Donna’s harsh words were taking. But I missed my Carmy, my sweet bear. He had been so…short with me lately. He wasn’t texting as much, I hardly got an ‘I love you’ out of him most days, because I hardly exchanged more then 2 words with him. It was like living with a ghost, or a roommate that hated you. We hadn’t had sex since before the family dinner everything transpired, but that wasn’t even what got to me most. 

I figured he was just…distracted? I knew Carmy loves me, he wouldn’t be coming home every night if he didn’t. So that is why I had taken it upon myself to tell Richie to save me a table tonight and not tell Carmy, so I could surprise him and finally give him the absolutely adorable specially made crochet knife storage pouch that I’d even sewn fabric into and embroidered his initials on. I made sure to wrap it super pretty with navy blue ribbon and brown paper just like the colors of the restaurant before I headed down there. 

When I walked in I had a bright smile, I was so excited to see him and hopefully sneak a smoke break outside, it had been a while since we did that. I had even done my hair extra pretty for him, curled how he liked and put in one of my silky bows that matched what I’d wrapped around the present paper. I remembered when Carmy had told me that navy was his favorite color on me, and that it complimented my hair so well. I told him I would wear it more often cause it always brought out the blue in his pretty eyes which of course made him blush and smile one of his shy boyish smiles. 

“Cousin!” I chirp happily and wrap my arms around Richie “it’s been too long, how are you? Still got my seat?” I asked, he wrapped his arm around me a kissed the top of my head in that sweet, brotherly way. 

“Hey Shortstack, M’sorry we’ve been swamped- this might not be a good time f’you huh? Wanna come back another day?” He pat my back gently and I pulled away slightly, looking up at him 

“You mean Carmy is in a mood?” I ask and pout a bit. He gives me that look, and I sigh “I’m gonna go talk to him…he just needs a cigarette” I said and brushed off his objections, pushing open the door to the kitchen to see Carmy absolutely ripping Syd a new one, about what? I couldn’t be sure. 

“I fucking TOLD YOU, if it’s not PERFECT it doesn’t GO OUT. You have TWO emulsions on this plate, BOTH ARE SPLIT it’s GARBAGE “ he shouts, chucking the entire plate of food into the garbage that I truly didn’t see a problem with. As someone who came from a home where we had peanut butter bread for dinner at least twice a month, seeing him throw away such expensive food made me nearly twitch, and the tone of his voice made me cringe. 

“Carmy?” I held the wrapped present to my chest nervously, Syd looks at me, relief flashing in her eyes “why don’t we take a break?” I asked gently and go up to him, touching his hand and he pulls it away. He was angrily chomping on gum, and shook his head

“Not takin’ breaks anymore. What’s up, need somethin?” He asked, his tone nearly indifferent. I frowned  bit, eyes flicking to Tina who would usually be telling Carmy to be nicer to his girl, or Marcus who would be beckoning me over to try some sweet treat he’d been perfecting- but instead they were dead focused on their dishes. Like I wasn’t even there. 

“Babe, what do you mean? Cmon, let’s go smoke huh?” I gently rub his bicep and he shook his head again, grabbing a new plate from the stack of them beside his station 

“Refire! 2 wagyu- let’s pick up the goddamn pace we’re fucking behind!, chefs! Every second counts, heard?!” he calls out in a loud, grating, nearly barking voice. 

He was quickly met with a chorus of ‘yes chef’ and he got right back to plating some…thing? Without even a single glance to the woman he said he dreamed of being his wife. I didn't even know where I’d get started trying to guess what the little plate of flowers, and goop, and..some kind of meat? Would be. 

Well, all I knew is it was ‘fancy’ and if I didn’t like it- Richie would be really upset with me, and so would Carmy. Also, that Carmy needed a break, and soon or he’d blow his top. 

The food Carmy crafted when I saw him looked like barely a snack to me. Like - a single bite, and I told Carmy that, he used to chuckle and have me try it, but when I did lately he would get pissy and tell me I ‘don’t fucking get Haute Cuisine’ . 

But the fact he was just essentially ignoring me and my love for him and how I had gotten all pretty for him and came all the way here but he didn’t give a single shit  - it made me livid. He was really rubbing me wrong, lately . I had come out of my way to see him, and he couldn’t even take 10 minutes? 

“Baby you’re stressed- I hear it in your voice let’s go have a cigarette mm?” I gently touch his shoulder and he rolled it to get me to stop 

“Jesus y’fucking needy. I said no! I fuckin quit, ok? Do you need me to say it 3 fucking times so that you remember I told you? I quit. I fucking quit, okay? has it sunk Into your fuckin memory? Ok, good Now get out of my fuckin face. There’s no available seats, and I don’t have time to fuck around and listen t’you talk about bull” he went right back to plating the food and my mouth drops a bit.

I look up to search for Syd hopefully getting ready to yell at him for that, but she was over helping Tina with something. I swallowed thickly “do you want to maybe try that again? I don’t think I heard you correctly, Carmen” I kick his shoe lightly and he finally looks at me, fire lighting behind his eyes. I couldn’t believe that he was insulting me this way, something had to have crawled up his ass. “Because I know you didn’t just insult my memory knowing my situation. That would be really low, coming from you” I narrow my eyes in fury, the two of us staring eachother down like lions about to fight. 

He hadn’t ever dared to speak to me or treat me this way before. Ever since we’d met, he was all blushy smiles and sweet mumbled compliments. His demeanor would brighten, like his energy was being dialed up when I walked in a room. He’d practically trip over his own feet to come give me a sweet Carmy Bear hug. But lately it was as if I was fucking bothersome housefly. 

“I said” he dropped the long pair of tweezers he was using and took a deep breath, the vein in his forehead popping out and when he took a deep breath like he was about to scream I quickly said 

“Remember. Think. Think right now Carmen about the way you’re going to speak to me. Think really hard because I told you once and I’m not telling you again what happens if you ever raise your voice to me demeaningly- don’t fucking test me” I said and he narrowed his eyes, breathing deeper how he did when his top was about to blow. 

“Leave.” He said just above a whisper. I scoffed, blinking a few times not sure I believed what I heard. 

“Leave? You want me to leave? Since when have you ever not wanted me around” I asked “what has gotten into you, Bear? You’re hardly sleeping you’re- you’re-“ 

“WHAT THE FUCK COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW, WINNIE?! ALL YOU DO IS PUT GOD DAMN BOOKS ON A SHELF. AND THE REST OF THE TIME? YOU WHINE ABOUT YOUR DEAD FUCKING BROTHER. NEWSFLASH- YOU FUCKING PRISS - YOU ARENT THE ONLY ASSHOLE WHOS BROTHER DIED!! SO CAN YOU DO ME A SINGLE FAVOR? A SINGLE THING, WIN? CAN YOU NOT STRESS ME THE FUCK OUT FOR A SECOND AND  LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. UNTIL I TELL YOU OTHERWISE? LEAVE ME BE! YOU FUCKING NAG! CHRIST!!! ” He roared. His voice was so scary, so deep, so honest - tears started rolling down my cheeks before I could possibly stop them, and my lip wobbled as I held back hot, embarrassed tears.

Nat comes out of the back office “what’s going on-“ she flicked her eyes from Carmy over to me in the now silent kitchen. I didn’t even know who this is in front of me. But it’s not my Carmy, my Carmy would never willingly stab me in such a deep seeded wound, and then salt it right after by calling me a priss. I nearly choked on my tears, my heart racing and blood roaring in my ears. The same 3 words ringing in my ears 

He’s leaving you, he’s leaving you, he’s leaving you. 

“Carmen!” Nat snaps, “you can go fuck pal. What the fuck did she do to you?” She comes over to my shocked frame, heaving in breaths panicking worse then I did that night I’d met his mother. And hugged me gently, rubbing my arm 

“Go. Fucking GO get her out. I don’t need the dramatic, stupid sniveling” he brushed me roughly toward the door, without a care of the world I nearly tripped over my own feet. I was so upset, I could have thrown up on the floor if Nat didn’t give him a sharp glare as she basically carried me out while I sobbed. She rubbed my back gently as she tried to soothe me as much as she could.

“He’s so stressed, win, this is him blowing out because he’s scared about Jimmy cutting us off.” 

“S-sniveling?” I sobbed and Richie pushed open the door, pulling me into a big hug when we got outside “he- he said I talk too much about Chris” I choke sobbed into his jacket and he rubs my back gently, allowing me to cry as hard as I needed “he called me a priss Richie- w-why does he hate me now? What did I do?” I cry, my makeup streaming down my face in thick black streaks. 

“He’s a little bitch, he’s become a little fuckin tyrant since Syd said she wanted a star, honey. It’s nothing t’do with you” he coaxed, gently rubbing my back how he did for Eva when she was upset, hoping it would have the same effect but unfortunately for him my heart had just been ripped out and stomped on by Carm so it wasn’t doing much. 

“He- he knew what would happen I - I can’t. Oh god I don’t wanna break up why did he do this Richie” my voice horse and broken 

“What’ya mean hon, he’s not breakin up with you- kids fuckin whipped are you jokin’?” He said and I shook my head 

“I can’t - I - I can’t be with someone who’s abusive that way, Richie. I wish this never happened I - I wish I never came today oh god- oh god he’s gonna wanna come home later- can you- you- “ I choke back a sob, covering my mouth and squeezing my eyes shut at the realization. 

“Tell him not to come home” I pull away and wipe my face, handing him the crumpled present “and give him this. I don’t want it” before heading the 2 blocks home. He didn’t try to stop me, it was no use with the state that I was in. The only person that could calm me down like this is Sadie, and I felt I’ve disappointed her because what she said nearly a year ago now, ended up being true. Carmen Berzatto is an asshole, and he’s only going to end up hurting me. 

I stormed home, turning off my phone because I knew what I was supposed to do, and I didn’t want to be tempted to stop because people were asking me not to. I took 2 bong hits to calm down my breathing and stop crying finally, before wiping my makeup off and grabbing a box of trash bags. For the next two hours, I went around my apartment collecting any and everything that belonged to Carmy, or that I’d gotten him as a gift, and put them in to garbage bags. 

I had told him when we first started dating, that I no longer date men who yell at me, or hit me. I made sure to let him know it was the only time I’d tell him, but if he ever were to raise his voice to me in a mean way we’d be over without even having to say it. So to take it as my warning. And he should have, because I was sticking to my word. 

When I was done, I allowed myself to take an hours long steaming shower, and sob on my shower floor about everything. I couldn’t believe that Carmy had called me stupid essentially, made fun of my adhd and bad memory. That he had told me I talk too much about Chris when he knows the only way to keep your dead sibling alive is to share stories. Just like he did of Mikey, but I guess to him that street should only go one way. 

I truthfully didn’t even know who this man was. Cold, uncaring, nearly evil. I wanted to scream and sob and kick things and punch Carmy but also kiss him and I wanted to slap him for what he said but I also wanted him to hold me and whisper about how he loves me more then anything in this whole fucked up world between sloppy kisses he left all over my face and neck. I wanted to lay with him in the dark and stroke his forearm as he tells me about his irrational worries and I soothe him by telling him no matter what happens we do it together. 

Didn’t he love that? He said he loved that, that he loved me. But how could that be love? The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt Carmy, whenever I do even by accident the level of guilt I feel is immeasurable. But he so easily, so willingly hurt me about the single most painful thing in this world. Like I meant nothing to him at all. 

 I got into bed after getting into my favorite hello kitty pajamas, only to start sobbing again when all I could smell was him. I held his pillow, crying into it to stifle my sobs. 

It was a good 3 hours of sobbing before I gave myself such a bad migraine that I essentially conked out and was woken up to Persephone asking for her dinner long after the sun had gone down. “Gosh- I’m sorry honey dad-Carmy” I correct myself, feeling tears spring to my eyes again. “C-Carmy” I start to sob again, shaking my head and covering my face with my hands. Sephy jumps up on the bed, coming over and licking my forearm sweetly and I sniffled deeply, picking her up and stroking her fur as I kiss her head. 

“Carmy isn’t coming around anymore so I’ve been a little upset. M’sorry” I told her and got up, padding to the kitchen and putting on my glasses after wiping my eyes. I realized my phone was still sat powered off on the counter, so I took it turning it back on and grabbing her food for her while it powered up. I got my skincare globes out of the freezer, holding them to my puffy sore eyes, sighing softly In relief. 

I sat there for a moment enjoying the feeling of the cold compress when my phone started buzzing over, and over, and over as it loaded through all of the notifications from the day. I popped the globes back in the freezer, seeing the last 56 texts were from Carmy, on top of 17 missed calls and 3 voicemails. I clicked on the thread and to start, it was horrible 

-Fuckin really- you leave Richie with a gift to what, make me feel bad?

-Well guess what, I don’t so nice try. 

-That’s really fuckin embarassing, you told Richie to tell me not to come home?? How old are you, really. 

-Why wouldn’t I come home?? You’re being over dramatic. 

-What do you wanna break up over a petty fight???

And after I didn’t reply, it turned into 

-Fuck babe the pouch is really nice, I’m sorry. 

-Is that pouch what you’ve been working on lately? You did so good, princess it's so nice, I love you.

-I’m sorry angel, please pick up the phone :(

-Come on honey I’ll come home early and make you your special garbage plate, and bring you your chocolate cake yea?

-Winnie, really. I’m sorry baby, I love you, you know that. 

-I love you, pretty girl, please pick up the phone. 

-Ok so I can’t make it early but I’ll try not to be late, hm? we can cuddle and watch your show 

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head as I read through them. In response, instead of words, I simply send him a photo of the 4 trash bags tied up near the door along with the huge stack of cookbooks and hit send, opening my freezer once more to find something to eat. I settle on a frozen pizza that had been living in there a bit too long but when you have - had. A genius chef boyfriend, every night was something new and delicious so frozen pizza was always off the table. 

It wasn’t even 3 minutes before my phone was vibrating on the counter as a call came through, I look over and see the photo Sadie took of us at new years, big goofy 2024 glasses on Carmy and one of those large ‘happy new years’ sparkly headbands was on me, kissing out on her balcony with fireworks in the background as the clock struck midnight. I shook my head at the memory, deciding to just rip the bandaid now and I hit the green button, and hit the speaker button. 

It was silent other then the sounds of the kitchen dimming as he walked down the hallway to go outside. “Sweetheart?” He asked, as if he was amazed I answered - he should be. 

“No. Not anymore. When will you be by to pick up your shit?” I preheat the oven and grab my phone, going to sit in my bed while I wait for it to heat. 

“Baby. Come on Angel, don’t be like that mm? M’sorry, I really am babygirl I-“

“Stop! I - I’m not your baby or your angel, or your babygirl, anymore, Carmy. You fucking forfeited that the moment you yelled at me and told me I was fucking stupid and couldn’t remember anything and then- and-“ I took a deep shaking breath “and what you said about Chris? Fuck you. That’s what I wanted to say, Carmy. Fuck, you. Fuck you for making me fall so fucking far in love with you- just for you to turn around and ruin it. We had something so beautiful and-“

He cuts me off this time 

“Had. You’re gonna say we had something, Win? It’s been fucking not even a day can you hold the fuck on? Why are you throwing us away you know that we’re fucking-“ 

“What? Throwing us away? Tell me, Carmy. What did I say to you about dating men who yell” I said and he remained silent “say it.” I told him and he huffs. 

“You don’t date assholes that yell at you or hit you anymore because you learned that y’better than that” he muttered.

“Mmm. So what makes you special?” I asked, and out of everything I said that night that was a knife straight to his gut. He felt like it knocked the wind out of his lungs, because if anything at all- I made him special. I made him feel special. And for him to now believe that I no longer see him as such, what was he if not special to me? 

“Honey, baby- don’t- don’t do this” he said, the edge from his voice gone and replaced with that softness, that softness that only came with the real Carmy, my Carmy. 

“What makes you special?” I ask again, my voice shaking as I bit back more tears, although I wasn’t sure how I possibly had anymore left to cry given today. 

“You” he said barely above a whisper. I don’t know what I was expecting, it was more a rhetorical question for him to answer on his own- but that answer melted me to my core. 

“Come home right now and maybe we can talk about you earning your way back. Maybe.” I said and hung up. I sighed, sitting back and rubbing my face to rid it of tears. Suprisingly enough, it was only about 10 minutes until I heard a key in the door and a familiar 

“Honey?” 

I sit up in bed, wiping away stray tears to try and look strong as possible, but when he came in, all of that resolve crumbled. His eyes were bloodshot, he had to have been crying too. But how? In the back office? Did he really leave the kitchen to go cry? I could hardly believe that. “Honey” he said, nearly relieved that I was really there and sunk to his knees next to the bed in front of me, taking my hands and kissing them all over the backs 

“I’m sorry- I’m so so sorry, I’m so sorry pretty” he rests his forehead on the plush of my thigh, sighing softly and I resist the strong urge to detangle his curls from the day, something I hadn’t gotten the pleasure of doing in what felt like years but in reality was only a few weeks. 

“Sorry for what” I urge and he nuzzled his face in my tummy 

“M’sorry f’r being an asshole, and a bitch, and a piece of shit, and a horrible fuckin’ boyfriend” he mumbled, wrapping his arms around my waist like he’d never let go and kissing around my ribs and stomach “M’sorry honey. So so sorry. I love you” he repeated over and over, kissing different parts of me each time with slow, purposeful worshiping movements. 

“Do you really think that about me?” I asked, allowing myself to gently rest my hand on his back, rubbing at the tense muscle through his chefs coat. 

“Never. Never. That was so - so fucked baby. I regretted it the second I said it- I don’t even fucking know what’s wrong with me, I- I don’t” his voice cracks and he took a shakey breath “I don’t deserve you” he admits, his voice raw and honest. My hand trailed up, gently scratching at his scalp and that is when he breaks 

“It’s just so hard this is all so fuckin’ h-hard baby” it comes out in a sob, and I gently pull him to come lay with me. “I don’t deserve this I don’t deserve- fuck. I don’t deserve to feel good after what I said babe. I don’t deserve comfort” he shook his head and stood, tugging off his coat. “M’sorry- I need to fuckin get it together. M’sorry. It’s just- everything is shit babe. Please don’t come to the restaurant anymore, ok? It’s too much- everything is too much and it’s like peace comin home and seeing you. I don’t want you mixed up with it” he kisses the top of my head 

“Are we good?” He asked. I thought for a moment, swallowing thickly and sighing a bit. “Baby please” he plead, sitting down on the bed next to my legs and cupping my cheeks. 

“How can we be good if you won’t even let me hold you? You don’t even want me touching you lately , Carmy. Are you sure you’re still…” I bit my lip to keep it from wobbling “that you still want me?” I asked. A few stray tears fall down his cheeks and he pulls me to his chest, hugging me tightly and kissing the top of my head. 

“Baby- baby.” He whispered and rubbed my back gently “the only thing in this world that I’m sure of, is that I fucking want you. I want you more than I want the restaurant- I want you more then anything” he assured me, rocking me gently and kissing my cheeks. 

“Then why do you spend more time with the restaurant then with me?” I ask gently, hating that I was enjoying his coddling and kisses. 

“Cause I’m a way better chef, and a shit boyfriend. So I figure it spares us both the heartache of having me around too much” and the indifferent, casual tone he said it in tells me he truly believed it. That was the part about it that killed me the most. 

“Oh bear” I whisper, cupping his cheek and pulling him into a sweet, loving kiss, gently playing with his curls. He nearly sighs in relief in my mouth, his palm spread flat along my back where he rucked up my pajamas so he could be touching me skin to skin, our favorite way. “Do you wanna know something, love” I said softly when I pulled away, planting a gentle kiss to the bridge of his nose. He rested his forehead on mine, eyes fluttering shut as he got lost in the much needed affection. 

“Hm” he didn’t even have the ability to make some self deprecating joke, he could only focus on the way his heart felt steadier then it had all day now that he was back in my arms. 

“If I could spend every waking moment with you, I would. Because you are my favorite person in this world, there is not one other being I’d rather be with day to day, even Taylor swift” I joke which earned a small smile from him

“That’s a lie, but thank you baby- I wish I could be around all the time, but I fuck up too much” he sniffled, and I wiped the stray tear stains from his cheeks. 

“It’s the truth. And how do you mean, you fuck up baby? You are so good at being a boyfriend - today was the first time you’ve ever been nasty to me. And definitely the last, hm?” I confirm and he nodded quickly

“The last- it’s the last I swear. I’ll never be mean again t’you baby that was the dumbest shit I’ve ever done in my life. Y’my best girl, my favorite, perfect angel” he kissed my forehead and snuggled me close, gently petting my hair. We were quiet for a moment, just enjoying each others touch when he said “this is getting long” he whispered as he plays with the ends of my hair that brushed the mattress even while I sat in his lap. 

“Mm- I thought you like it long” i kiss that pulse point on his neck gently to assure he was still calm, happy to feel the steady beat beneath my lips as I lingered for a moment, smelling the last bits of his cologne and the kitchen smell from the day on him that I loved so much, distinctly Carmen. 

“I do. S’fun to play with” he rubs my back gently and rests his lips on the top of my head in a prolonged kiss, shutting his eyes and lingering for a moment, savoring the smell of my shampoo and hair oil that I’d actually gotten him to start using and to his surprise it did make his curls way less frizzy. The humid, Chicago summers were always his least favorite because it gave him a super curly Italian Afro that would go frizzy by the end of the day in the kitchen, but I loved it more then anything. 

“Will you shower with me?” He asked after a few moments of silence, with his cheek mushed on the top of my head. I sigh softly “I had a long shower earlier, I’ll sit with you, though. My pizza should be almost done” I said and he lays back on the bed, taking me with him and I giggle a bit as I roll on top of him and he lets out a satisfied hum at his newfound weighted blanket. 

“Never mind. Kinda want pizza” he adjusted my thighs so I’d straddle him and I tucked my hands under his back, kissing his neck gently as I usually would after a hard day, moving from his forehead to his nose and his cheeks then his lips and chin, then his jaw, then his neck, then his chest and arms and hands. I knew he loved it, because he’d sit with his eyes closed every time and essentially let me kiss him to sleep, it was quite adorable actually. 

“M’serious baby. Never again, ok?” I said softly when I finished, laying comfortably on his chest with my cheek mushed against it and he took a deep breath.  “Never again”

After things had calmed down a bit, we both ate, Carmy had a shower, we were laid in bed and I was stroking his hair gently, my sound machine already playing rain noise but I knew he wasn’t asleep. His hands were busy rolling and unrolling my pajama shirt hem between his fingers as I was sure his mind was racing. 

“Why are you doing this, Carm. At work. What’s up, baby. Why are you changing so much stuff in the restaurant?” I asked and he stopped, his tattooed hand coming around my hip and squeezing gently. 

“Baby I don’t wanna talk about this. I’m doing it because I have to, ok?” He said and rubbed my hip with his thumb gently. 

“Sydney is going to quit if you keep talking to her that way. And then what is this for, Carmen.” I said boldly, my hand steadying on his head

“I’m teaching her” he said shortly. 

“You’re treating her how that dick treated you.” I said and he tuts, taking a deep breath. 

“Babe I’ve not even told you half of the shit that fuckface said, and trust me I’d expect Syd would stab me how she did Richie if I said that shit to her. I didn’t tell her she should be dead. I didn’t stop the entire fucking kitchen and tell them that Syd was so stupid, and slow, that we need to wait so we can give her a second to catch up. I didn’t literally kick her ass for wasting ingredients. I’m teaching her. She’s gonna thank me, I’m making her better.” He nuzzled back into my stomach and closed his eyes once again, likely expecting me to just take it at that. 

“Ahh. So that’s what your boss did, when he was doing all that. He made you better? You think screaming in your face that made you better.” I scoff lightly, annoyed he thought this was at all good “you know she’s my best friend - one of them- Syd is basically Sadie’s sister. Which makes us that close.” 

“Well y’best friend chose a career path that’s hard sometimes, honey. I’m tired I worked 16 hours today” he laid down on his side, back to me and pulling open his bedside drawer, tugging out a box of sticker looking things and putting one on his arm. Nicotine patch. 

“And when were you gonna say you stopped smoking?” I asked, still confused why he wouldn’t tell me something as big as that, Carmy told me he’s been smoking since he was 15- that was half his life at this point. 

“Do you give a fuck? Thought you’d be happy if anything. Thanks for the support I guess” he laid on his stomach, tucking his arms under the pillow, still not facing me. 

I chuckle dryly “the support. Yeah Carmy. You are the most supportive fucking person as of late.” I got comfortable on my side, back to him “see you tomorrow night I guess since you can’t even be bothered to wake me up for a kiss anymore.” I snip, crossing my arm over my chest and frowning. 

“I literally do do you want me to start recording it? Y’fuckin half asleep why would you remember.” He scoffs “fuckin looking for a fight, swear to god” he muttered 

“You’re being a real jerk right now.” I huff and he chuckled sarcastically

“Yes babe. I am a fucking jerk you knew this when we first started dating, you used to be into it that’s the funny thing”

“Yeah I was into it when it was the whole jerk to other people but super sweet to me, thing. Now you’re a jerk to literally everyone and it seems you especially like taking it out on me, someone you say you love.” I said and he huffed, annoyed as he rolled over on his back, extending his arm 

“C’mere. I don’t wanna fight like this before bed, please baby. I’m sorry. I’ll try to be easier on Syd, there. Can you come lay now. And stop actin’ like this” he said and I turn around, crossing my arms over my chest and looking at him, he motioned for me to get comfy on his chest so he could wrap me up in a hug and we could fall asleep. 

“You’ll try, or you will.” I said and he did one of those fed up slow blink sighs.

“I will be more lenient with Syd’s fuck ups, even if I’ve shown her 50 times how to do it right and she’s still rushing it.” He said and pulled me to his chest, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my temple firmly “can we sleep now?” he murmured against my skin. 

“Yes, we can sleep now” I gave in, knowing that I wasn’t going to get a better answer out of him until he’d at least had some sleep. I made it a point, though, when the sound of the shower woke me that I was going to get up and make him a coffee and some breakfast before work and hopefully we would get to spend some time together before he left. 

I made us both some scrambled eggs and toast, making sure to put his coffee in his favorite travel mug I’d gotten him last Christmas and adding a bit of cinnamon for him as well. I heard the water cut off just as I was setting the table and finishing making my own latte, and when the bathroom door opened, and he saw the bed had been made- he called out a confused 

“Babe? Y’up?” 

“In the kitchen” I called back, putting my creamer back in the fridge and mixing up my iced latte I’d made for myself. He came in, towel hanging low on his hips and another around his neck since he hated the feeling of his hair dripping on his skin. It was truly a mouthwatering sight. “Morning handsome” I said and greeted him with a sweet kiss and handing over his mug. 

“Morning babe- it’s…fuckin early- Y’don’t need to be up f’work until 8” he pats my bum gently “you made food?” He looked at the table and I nod happily 

“Yeah! I figured we could have breakfast together, right? Before you have to go to work..you don’t always have to be so early bear - you guys open at like 5!” I rub his chest gently and kissed his now soft stubble free jaw, he’d been very diligent as of late of shaving his face - sometimes twice a day. I sort of missed his stubble. 

“Yeah but I make the menu, honey. And I have to make a list of what I want Tina to get at the farmers market. I have to make sure everything is clean, I have to accept the meat delivery. And the dairy delivery. Someone’s gotta do it- but thank you, could you do me a big favor and slap it in a Togo for me? One of the plastic ones from the cabinet over the microwave that’s gonna be great to eat at work babe” he kissed the top of my head and headed back off to the bedroom to get dressed, leaving me stood alone in the kitchen again. 

I wake up, before the fucking sun to spend time with him - I’m still brushed off. 

“So we just don’t have sex anymore?” I call as I open the cabinet in search of the stupid fucking container he wanted me to put his breakfast in. 

“What’s that mean?” He comes to the bedroom door as he put on his white shirt - “fuckin shit I forgot to switch over my whites! Fuuuuck” he runs over to the washer and dryer in nothing but his boxers and plain white shirt, opening it and smelling them to asses if he could just throw them in the dryer “fuck!” He exclaims “fuckin fuck fuck” he said annoyed and pours in another cup of detergent, slamming the lid shut and setting it to a quick cycle 

“It means-“ I stop when he rushed past me, shaking my head and realizing he had completely stopped listening, anyway. “You can ask for help sometimes, you know that right?” I said and he shook his head annoyed, going back to the bedroom to grab his jeans 

“You can’t help me babe. Thanks for the coffee but I gotta go over to mine to grab my spare whites- oh- you can help with somethin’ actually, can you just throw those in the dryer when you get back up? Love you” he gave me a quick peck on the cheek, grabbing the container of food and his travel mug of coffee and dashing out the door. 

I sighed, giving a defeated “yup” and watching him leave. I sit down at the kitchen table, eating my lukewarm breakfast in silence as I think over the events of the morning. It could have gone so much differently if he just took a second. There was a fleeting thought in my mind when he got out of the shower that we could eat together and then have slow, passionate morning sex. The kind that he would mumble 

I fuckin love you, baby- you know how much I fuckin love you, right?

You’re everything to me, my whole fucking world Angel. 

You’re my peace baby, my home, my relaxation - I couldn’t ever go without you now that I have you, y’mine princess. Forever 

Into the crook of my neck as he lazily thrusted in and out of me, his words and my mumbled praise and agreements with his words bringing us to the throes of pleasure more then the short rolling of his hips. It had been weeks since we’d done that, and it would always bring us so much closer after we did. It was what we needed, right now. Especially right now, it felt like we were worlds apart and I would do anything to bring us back together. 

I pouted a bit, realizing just how much I missed him in that way, craving the closeness and the praise and the pleasure. I went ahead and opened our text thread, staring at the last which was the photo of his things in garbage bags we took about an hour putting away last night and I sigh softly. I type out a few versions of what I wanted to say, before settling on 

I miss having sex with you, Carmy. Can we please try and make time tonight? 

And sent it. It wasn’t the usual text someone would send or receive before 6 am, but Carmen and I had a tendency to not do things in classic or traditional ways. I see the type bubble pop up, then go away, then pop up a few times before I got a response of 

Baby I’m pretty busy today but I’ll try to see if I can find time maybe next week. I miss you too, my best girl 🖤

I shook my head, sighing and pushing away my now empty plate. Feeling frustrated and horny and pissed off. What happened to the Carmy that would no matter how tired he was, get under the covers and eat me until I was a trembling mess and ask for nothing in reply, but give in to my begging him to fuck me cause of how good he made me feel. That man, I wanted that man. I was coming to the realization that not having sex was getting to me. 

I send another text,

Or you could come home for lunch and fuck me like you know we both need. Or does the big, mean boss man not get a lunch break?

I bit my lip, petty - yes. But if riling him up to the point he has to come home and pound me from behind while rambling about how I’m such a pretty distraction and how could he ever say no to this pretty cunt was what I needed to do to get him inside me again, I would do it. He also needs it, he’s way too wound up. 

It wasn’t long before I got a reply 

Being needy and filthy over text isn’t gonna clear my schedule, pretty girl. I know you have toys why don’t you go put them to use and tell me how good you can make yourself feel, I know you can baby. 

I furrow my brow, frowning and just reacting to the message with a thumbs down. Asshole. 

I washed the dishes and switched over his whites to the dryer and go to bed for a few more hours before I would need to get up and get ready for my shift at the library. I listened to Taylor of course while getting ready, still in the process of memorizing the lyrics to her new album. I wished we could have gotten more time to listen to it together, but he doesn’t even have time to sleep it seems anymore, or have sex, or do anything that isn’t directly related to the restaurant. 

It was getting exhausting just to even witness. It nearly felt like I was single again, and Carmy just lived here and kissed me sometimes when he felt he needed kissing. It’s almost as if he’d fallen out of love with me and in love with the bear and its success. I didn’t know what Nat meant by Cicero cutting them off - I figured that would probably have something to do with it. I leaned into the mirror, observing my freckles around my nose. 

What if he realized you aren’t pretty enough for him?

I shook the thought out of my mind, going back to doing my eyeliner and telling myself I had to make an extra therapy appointment for this week, because the last time I felt like this was before I met Sadie and was all alone out here after Chris died. I finished up getting ready, giving Sephy extra love and snuggles per usual after she ate and then I headed to work. 

When I got on the L, funny enough I bumped into one of my favorite people. “Is that Syd the Chef Kid?” I plop next to her and her face brightens with her classic Syd Smile. 

“Pooh! What’s up carrot top, headed to the library?” She asked, popping her AirPod out so we could talk. 

“Yup! How about you, shouldn’t you be getting your ass chewed out by my ever patient boyfriend?” I said sarcastically, sitting back and sighing a bit as the train pulled off again. 

“I should…” she looks down “but uh. I took some time, this morning. You remember where Carmy used to work, Ever?” She asked and looked back over, I nodded a bit and she continued “well- it’s closing, and one of the chefs wanted to uh..talk. About an opportunity- please don’t tell Carmy I’m just going to hear him out and I-“

I cut her off “Sydney- that’s fucking awesome!” I giggle happily and hug her “what the hell- of course I won’t tell Carmy, but that’s like totally awesome! Right? You want to go different places in the cooking industry, that’s how you meet people, like Carmy did. You're so gonna get it if its a job offer” I told her. She looked a bit…surprised that I seemed excited about this, which kind of burnt a bit. 

“You don’t- you like.. wouldn’t be mad? If I left? Cause then Carmy would be all… y’know- Carmy. When he’s trying to find a new right hand, and-“

“Syd. I can handle Carmen, trust me. If anything he would be sad but he would be so proud of you too I bet!” I hugged her “just- don’t tell him until you make a decision- ok?” I told her and she nods, smiling a bit thankfully. 

“Yeah, for sure. He sent me this..partnership thing I’m not sure I wanna sign yet…At least until I explore my options” she said and I nodded, grabbing her hand and bringing it to my lips, kissing it gently 

“Syd- do what is good for you! Ok? I can handle Carmy, he’s…he’s really regimented? And yes, you leaving will throw off his routine but I can talk him down from freaking out. I’m sorry you even have to deal with his behavior, most the time I wonder why I do- but…it doesn’t even matter! This is about you babe! Let’s go celebrate - let’s go to smart bar tonight and fucking party! Cause tomorrow’s your day off, right, you me and Sadie! We’ll get fucked up. We deserve it. And Charli just put out a new album!” I grabbed her hand “you deserve it, Syd. Let’s go! Cmon. Let’s go have fun Carmy has been such a dick lately!” I said and she laughed, her head falling back. 

“God. I wish you could hear yourself, Win. Yeah. Carm has been such a dick. He doesn’t deserve you. But uh- I guess sure. Can Marcus come? He’s been bugging about going out” she said and I nod happily and clap. 

“Syd!!!!!! Fuck oh my god I’m so excited!” I giggle “pregame at yours! Sadie is so coming. Fuck Mitch I hate that prick but he’s probably gonna be there. And - oh your boyfriend?” I said and she shook her head 

“He said - it doesn’t matter. We’re not together. It’s fine. Let’s have fun, right?” She asked as we pulled at my stop. I nodded and got up, kissing her cheek quick

“Text me- I’ll be at yours after I get off work. I’ll wear that dress I lent you! If Carmy is a dick about you being late tell him I said to go pound sand!” I call as I got off, quickly heading to work since I was already late.

The day went extra slow, since of course I was excited for after work. I got home earlier then Carmy of course, because why would he ever make an effort to see me? And took a quick shower, packing my makeup and hair things, as well as a few bottles of alcohol before ubering to Syd’s. 

When I got there- Sadie, Marcus, as well as some very handsome tall British man was In her kitchen. “Hey bitches” I said and they turned 

“shortstack!” Marcus said happily and I giggle. The pretty blonde male and I meet eyes. 

“Hi there” he said and oh - oh…he’s British? Mm. Hmm. Interesting. 

“Hey” I said shut and shut the door behind me “like vodka?” I asked , and the way he looked at me made me feel we were the only 2 In the room. 

“I’m a tequila guy, but vodka does it.” He smiled a bit, and his pretty perfect teeth made me nearly weak at the knees. 

You aren’t single, just angry at your boyfriend. Behave, Winnie.

 I giggled in a way that I hoped I would read as friendly, and gently nudge his shoulder- 

Fuck. This guy is pure muscle, I’m sure his stamina is absolutely insane - Winnie! You are not single!! Stop being a perv about this pretty British chef … 

But he’s so pretty 

Winnie!  Stop!  Stop. Do you need to go home? You are taken. No matter how kind, and sociable, and funny, and fit, and muscular, and tall, and -

Winnie!!!!!!

I looked back at Syd, a fake smile on my face, as I clutched my phone, avoiding the tall, sexy Brit to my right that had such a sweet laugh and I’m sure a huge dick 

Winnow!!!

I couldn’t be more ashamed of where my mind wandered if I tried. I phone, avoiding his pretty blue green eyes - Jesus ! Why do all these men around Carm need to have the prettiest eyes!!! 

“This is Luca” syd said, taking my tote full of bottles of alcohol, and starting to load them in the freezer. “He’s here because he worked with Carm at Ever-  Richie introduced us, cause he went to check up on Jess after they said it was closing and this guy was hanging around like a dingleberry” she teased and he chucked, his eyes crinkling adorably. 

Fuck, he’s cute. And tall as fuck.

“I’m Luca- nice to meet you uhh-“

“Winnie. Winnow- call me Winnie, though.” I shook his soft hand, blushing when he brought it to his lips and kissed my manicured fingers kindly. 

“Well, Winnie, you look beautiful. Would you like me to make you a drink? You’ve brought quite the selection here” he squeezed my hand kindly before letting it go carefully and motioning to the selection of mixers Syd had set out. 

It had been - well- since Carmy had stopped caring to woo me, really since the last time someone had cared to flatter me so openly, so I shrugged and smiled. Blushing at the compliment and offering my thanks. 

“Yes, Chef Luca. Thank you” I squeeze his muscular bicep gently and Syd gives me the wiggle ‘get it’ brows as I sit down at the island. I rolled my eyes playfully, if anything she should be flirting with him. 

“Where are you from?” He asked as he grabbed a glass, filling it with ice and putting a shot of vodka before a shot of lime and I smiled a bit 

“Rochester New York. You’re from somewhere in England, right?” I asked and he chuckled a bit as he shook the drink together 

“Right. London. You’re uh- you’re Carmen’s girlfriend isn’t that right” he poured the drink in a glass and handed it over. I nodded, looking down into the drink. 

“That I am” I said quietly. I never knew these days what would come after someone saying that, he’s an ass, or he’s a genius or he is the best in the world. I was ready for the unfortunate embarrassing ladder of “he’s an asshole” but instead, I got 

“How in the hell do you keep up with that guy? What’s he feeding you?” He joked, causing me to laugh a bit and sip my drink. 

“Uh- I guess a lot of patience and love.” I said and Syd and I gave eachother a long glance. 

“Where is he by the way? He hiding from me or somethin yea?” He chuckled and I smiled, laughing to match the mood and Marcus thankfully interjects 

“Carmen doesn’t do clubs. You should know that” he nudged Luca gently and he huffed a laugh 

“I guess- yeah. Makes sense” he said, and it clicked all the sudden. 

“Holy shit” I whisper, staring at him and they all looked at me confused, staring at me silently. 

“What- what you fucking weirdo” Syd nudges me and I nod towards Luca 

“Him- him- that’s who…he like- you” I stared at him again and he furrowed his brow as he looks at me confused 

“Who what?” He asked and put his cup down

“Carmy - you? Why? What about you what are you good at what did you beat him at?” I asked curiously and put my cup down as well “he still talks about you- what did you do better? It still haunts him “ I laugh a bit “how did you beat him out, all the time. he…he worships you in a way” I said and he cackled a laugh, nudging Marcus 

“I like her! That’s funny darling. Uh- nothing. I just can ride his ass constantly but can never get ahead. Carmen is …. Something. I don’t know how he possibly manages, but -“

“He doesn’t sleep, or eat.” I said truthfully and shrug, and with the bluntness of my voice he just raised his eyebrows, eyes flicking from me to Syd to Marcus and back to me. 

“Doesn’t sleep” he repeats and I nod, shrugging again 

“Rarely- empire. You know that place?” I asked and he nods carefully and I nod as well “yeah. That place. He wants the bear, to be better. That’s what he keeps saying. So, he can’t. He says he has no time -“

“Does he know who that place is run by?” He asked

“His old Boss” Syd said. And I look over to her to see her looking back at me carefully and I nodded 

“Hates that guy. Never work for that guy, Luca he’s a jerk” I told him and he chuckled, nodding 

“Yes. That is pretty well known, that’s actually something he’s known for. No one really knows how Fields manages…he seems to be-“

“A robot” I finish for him and he nods 

“So- when you say he doesn’t sleep does he-“ 

“Maybe 2 hours a night. I’ve been telling him he’s gonna give himself a stroke - he doesn’t care. He gets up and four and passes out at 2:30. Sometimes, well- a lot of times he has to sleep until 5 and I keep snoozing his alarms cause he’s so dead to the world he doesn’t even hear them but he wakes usually at 5” I nod “and when he comes home he keeps working, he’s had to buy 3 new sets of porcelain since they’re working for their star or whatever he keeps smashing them.  My cat is starting to actively dislike him and his outbursts.” I explained. He motioned to Syd and she looked to him 

“A star. Why the hell would you want one- weren’t we just talking about it? How it’s impossible to keep” He asked and she shrugged 

“I said that too but Carmy said it’s what I wanted and I told him we didn’t have to but he insisted..” 

“How did that thing go, Syd” I look at her and she shakes her head quickly to tell me to stop

“What thing?” Marcus asks “you had a thing?” He nudges her and she flashes a small smile, looking into her drink

“Girl thing- it’s nothing.” She lied and shrugged “let’s do shots! Luca you’ve done a proper tequila shot right?” She turned to the freezer and he laughed a bit 

“Yes, Sydney we have limes and salt in England” he said, and I hopped off the counter to help her. 

“Do you think Carmy hates him because he’s tall?” I asked her, my first drink already making me more honest and this leads Marcus and Syd to both crack up laughing 

“Yo he would be piiissed if he heard her right now” Marcus laughs and I giggled 

“It’s true!! Luca my boyfriend must be jealous of your height” I said and he laughed as well, shaking his head 

“You are something. I’m seeing here how you and him work. You give em a run for his money I’m guessing” he said and I shrugged, grinning a bit. 

“He said that was you. That working with you made him more motivated because for the first time since culinary school he felt someone could have beat him, so he had to learn how to be better and make it look easy so you panicked and he said it worked- also you have funny eyebrows I love them” I giggled and Syd sets a shot in front of each of us 

“And you are very talkative, I see who’s the extrovert for your relationship” he joked “also, thank you? I think? I’ve been told” he smiled a bit and Syd put down the plate of cut lime slices. 

“Hands” she said and I offered her my hand while Luca said 

“With what?” And her, Luca, and Marcus stared at eachother for a moment before they cracked up

“Dude” she said and shook her head “give me your hand, idiot” she joked, taking his hand and he smiled adorably, cheeks painted a cute shade of pink and - 

Holy shit. He totally likes her. He wants her!

“Syd I have to pee- also get my face on. Are you coming?” I said and took my shot quickly, licking the back of my hand and biting my wedge of lime “sure” she said and took her, dragging her by her sleeve to the bathroom and shutting the door

“Okay - uh- what’s up?” She said as I shut the toilet lid and sat 

“He wants you” I said and she raised her brows, clearly confused 

“Marcus? I already told you I’m not-“

“Luca. Sexy tall British man? Looks like he should be in vogue? Yeah, that he. And he totally wants your ass! You have to fuck him and tell me if he’s-“ she quickly covered my mouth, laughing as she shushes me 

“Jesus! Winnie! You are loud!!” She said and I giggled 

“Okay well- tell me if he’s hung” I told her quieter when she took her hand off and she shook her head, giggling and flushing the toilet behind me to make it sound like we didn’t just come in here to gossip. 

“Yeah we’ll see about that, I think 3 shots is enough for you.” She teased. I got ready quickly, changing into the little black dress I had borrowed to Syd a while ago that seemed to fit much snugger now that Carmy had been feeding me so well. 

When I opened the door and made my way back to see the guys and Syd talking about some candy dessert thing that Luca had been working on and I grab my phone their conversation having brought something to mind 

“Syd- can we make this sometime? Carmy is too busy” I showed her the candied fruit with the yummy looking crunchy coating on it. She frowned a bit, shrugging 

“Yes of course we can- but why would Carmy be too busy? Is he acting like that to you all the time, win?” She asked and I shook my head. 

“Not yelling- just…not paying attention at least not like he used to. I think we’re going through a dry spell, ya know?” I shrug and sip on my mixed drink I still hadn’t finished. 

“A dry spell?” She chuckles “what are you- 55?” I blushed and shrug 

“Lets just go out! Ok! Fuck him he didn’t wanna come so let’s not talk about him. Let’s have fun something he doesn’t know how to do” I said and ordered the Uber for us on the app. 

By the time we got to the club, I had found that Luca is very funny, and also very fun- and he also didn’t have a bad taste in music. I could see why Carmy was jealous of him back when they used to work together, even though he physically leaves little to be jealous of at all, but I knew he didn’t give a shit about what was going on in other people’s heads. At least, he didn’t think about it too often since he was so lost in his own. 

“What are we drinking?” Marcus asks as we head in “I got first round” he added and we all piped up then, causing him to roll his eyes playfully “funny, everyone can make a decision when a wallet comes out. I’ll be back” he said and made his way up to the bar after he got our orders. 

“I’m gonna be right back” I told Syd and squeezed her arm, making my way around the room until I found someone who looked like they sold. 

“Hiii!” I said kindly and showed them the 50 I had folded in my hand “got something?” I asked and she nods 

“Need an 8?” She replied and I nodded, grabbing the bag when she went to ‘shake my hand’ and she took the money. 

“Been a pleasure, have a good night” I made my way to the bathroom and locked the door behind me, tightly rolling up a single I had and doing a line off the back of the sink before putting the little baggie in my bra and giggling as I feel the warm rush of relaxation and confidence wash over me. I hadn’t been able to party like this since before Carmy and I started dating. 

It didn’t make him the happiest to know that I previously dabbled in drugs, but I only did it sometimes, very rarely. Plus, what does Carmen know about a party? Nothing. So his opinion on this specific matter holds no water. I wiped off the bottom of my nose and fixed my lipgloss before making my way back out to the group. “Let’s dance bitches!!” I said excitedly pulling Syd l and Sadie with me to the dance floor and Marcus and luca followed suit . 

I didn’t get back home until around 3 head pounding from the comedown and a cracked phone screen, I wasn’t even really sure how that happened. Luca had to carry me up the stairs because I kept stumbling and he handled his liquor far better then I did. I also found that he was a fabulous dancing partner. “Gnight !! Sexy British chef dude I’ll see youuuuu-“ I point, looking up at him “when that thing”

“The Ever funeral dinner, yes darling. Now you should go get some rest yeah? Where are your keys?” He asked and I shrug, leaning against the door “dunno. Carmy should maybe be home” I said and knock on the door “Carmy!!” I call through the door and knock again and heard shuffling and the door opened 

“Where the fuck have you been baby-“ he pulled me into a hug, shutting the door 

“Hey !! Don’t be rude didn’t you even say hey!” I said and he looks at me confused 

“How much have you had to drink, say hey to who you? Hey. Now why do you look high” he grabs my face, observing my blown out wide pupils 

“Say hi to Luca your frienddd. Bye Luca!!” I call through the door not having realized he snuck away since he didn’t want to deal with Carmen questioning why he was holding up his girlfriend who was so inibreated she could barely stand and was high as a kite on south side coke.

” N’yeah Cause m’high” I yawn “kinda. Think I have a little left though m’saving it.” I said without thinking and head off to the bedroom, shedding my shoes and dress in a trail behind me as I go 

“High on what” he followed and I lay down, not even really listening anymore, the only thing filling my mind was that I was overstimulated and exhausted. 

“M‘not high” I lie after a few moments when I realize what he said and rolled on my stomach, getting comfy under the covers. 

“Winnie what did you do?” He comes over, sitting down next to me and rubbing my back lightly “what did you take, baby. Tell me” he said and I look up at him

“Alcohol” I said and he nodded 

“And?” He urges me to continue and I shake my head. 

“Do I have to look through your shit babe, really” he huffs and rubs his face “I don’t have fucking time Winnie!” He said frustratedly. 

And that was when I snapped, I couldn’t find where he got off, judging me and what I did at parties. Especially when he could hardly give a fuck about what I was doing, apparently unless I was waiting at home for him like a sad puppy, just for him to shower and collapse next to me with nothing but a “g’night hun’”

“Can you leave me the fuck alone? Jesus Christ Carmen! It doesn’t fucking matter. I bought an 8th of coke and did a few fucking lines! Are you happy? Now can I go to bed? because I’m fucking human and need sleep. I know That concept is foreign to you. Get out of my face what did you say yesterday? Oh- I don’t need the bullshit. Go to work or something.” I snap, over tired, over hungry, and with a now what was turning into a  migraine “bad enough I’m gonna have to fuckin babysit you at that dinner Friday” I mumble and he got up, heading back to the kitchen for which I was grateful, but not without a muttered ‘what the fuck ever.’  Act like an asshole, get treated like an asshole would be my behavior going forward. If he wanted to play ball, so can I. 

��� 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡♡♡ ⋙

[nolita-fairytale]

carmen 'carmy' berzatto masterlist

Thee Carmy x Reader 'Make My Heart Surrender' Universe (In Chronological Order):

comfort & chaos (prequel to make my heart surrender)

a series of vignettes: the five times carmen berzatto fell in love with you a little and the one time he finally told you. (completed)

october 2019 | covid & carbonara | heat waves | 2/22/22** | called you again | home**

the phone call (blurb - the phone call that gets reader to chicago in the first place)

make my heart surrender

after quitting your job at the restaurant you both used to work at, carmy asks you to come in and work with his pastry chef at his new spot, the bear. only, the longer you stick around, it becomes clear that you have unfinished business. will one week in chicago change your life, and his, forever? (completed)

tuesday | wednesday | thursday | friday (**18+ for smut) | saturday/sunday | monday | tuesday, again | the playlist

home (final chapter from comfort & chaos - **smut)

try a little tenderness (fluff & angst blurb)

cigarettes & coffee (fluffy blurb)

strawberries & cigarettes (fluffy blurb)

j is for james beard... and for jealousy (**smut oneshot | 18+ only)

your past and mine are parallel lines (fluff oneshot)

pov: carmy makes people magazine's sexiest chef alive list (fluff blurb)

bad moon rising (what if/angst-shot -- guest starring mikey berzatto)

sister-in-law (fluff oneshot -- guest starring natalie berzatto)

still into you (sequel to make my heart surrender)

you, syd, marcus, and carmy return to where it all began: new york city, prompting you and carmy to think a lot about your past... and your future together. (completed)

thursday | **bonus smut scene | friday | saturday | sunday | it's perfect, chef (**bonus smut scene)

don't want to walk alone

the long awaited wedding fic for carmy x reader in the make my heart surrender universe. this six part series chronicles the wedding planning, your (not) bachelorette party, the wedding, and the honeymoon as you build a life with your husband-to-be. (completed)

june/july | august | september | the honeymoon pt 1 | the honeymoon pt 2 | epilogue: november

granola blurb

carmy as your baby daddy

a social media au & headcanon series detailing your first pregnancy with carmy. created for the make my heart surrender universe, but can be read as a standalone work. this has been created in collaboration with @carmensberzattos & @allthefandomstogether , the graphic goddess. (completed)

part one | part two | part three | part four | give you my wild, give you a child (**smut-shot) | part five | part six | part seven

the social media au

scenes from the relationship & this story depicted as social media posts. won't always align with my other social media/moodboards.

part one | part two: first year of dating | part three |

extras/moodboards/headcanons/imagines:

your life as a pastry chef in chicago while dating carmy (moodboard & headcanon)

meeting mikey in another lifetime (headcanon)

pov: you're marrying carmen berzatto (moodboard)

honeymoon lingerie moodboard

christmas with carmy moodboard & blurb

The Bear: Unrelated to Make My Heart Surrender:

(nothing here YET but working on it)

so my darling | sydney adamu x male!chef oc

jealous!carmy & jealous!luca headcanon

stargazing with marcus brooks (blurb)

sneaking around with carmy (blurb)

[thebirdandthebee]

24 + 25 ;)))))

Thanks for requesting! Smut below, 18+ only!

“I could just pull your bikini bottoms to the side, no one will notice”

“If we get caught I’m blaming you”

Vanessa was seven months pregnant when she and Carmen went on their babymoon. A term he’d never heard before, he dutifully packed a bag and went where he was instructed before they arrived in Cancun.

Carmen was too proud to watch Vanessa strut around the resort in her two-piece swimsuit, the black bikini showing off her baby bump. They were staying for a week, soaking in their last few months as a couple before they became a family of three.

Pregnancy was interesting to say the least. Though she got out of her first trimester relatively easily, her second trimester was more challenging. She was tired all the time, always needed two bottles of purple Gatorade within reaching distance and made Carmen shower in the guest bathroom before entering their bedroom.

Thankfully, she turned a corner a few weeks ago and they went through with their planned trip. Now, she was thrilled to be lazing in a cabana near the resort pool, a big floppy hat on her head and a virgin piña colada in her hand.

She’d splurged and reserved a private cabana for the trip – dedicated just to them while they stayed on site. Carmen shook off from the pool, his white skin tinted pink despite the layers of SPF Vanessa had been spraying across his bare chest and shoulders. He smiled, dropping his sunglasses down over his eyes before joining his wife on the queen-sized cabana lounger. She was balancing her second plate of chicken tenders on her baby bump, one arm behind her head and the other dangling a French fry over her mouth.

“Happy, babe?” Carmen asked, fluffing the pillow under her head.

“In heaven,” she moaned, not complaining as Carmen moved the plate off her belly. He leaned forward, kissing the peak of her belly button before smoothing his hand over it. “Carmy?” She asked, brushing a hand down over his curls that had become unruly with the chlorinated water.

“Yeah?” He asked, blue eyes flicking up at her, mouth pressed against her skin gently.

“I’m horny,” she said plainly. Another symptom of her late pregnancy, everything made Vanessa horny, at least, everything Carmen did. Her husband snorted, taking in her very serious expression.

“Yeah, what did it this time?” He asked, mostly unphased at this point. It was odd if he didn’t get corralled between her thighs at least once a day at this point – but apparently their rendezvous in the shower that morning wasn’t enough. Vanessa’s hormones had completely taken over.

“Same thing as always,” she replied, running her hands over his shoulders. “I’m not kidding baby, I’m dripping,” she said seriously. Carmen would do whatever it took to keep up his physique that she loved so much. He slid his hand across the underside of her pregnant belly. Even through the padded top of her bikini, he could see her nipples hardening.

“Do we need to go back to the room?” He asked, kissing her just below her belly button again.

“No, want you right here,” she said, drawing one leg up as she bent at the knee, planting her foot on the cabana lounger. Carmen looked around. The pool wasn’t too busy, but there was definitely way too many people out here.

“Ness,” he warned, “what are we gonna tell the baby when we both have an arrest on our record?”

“Pull the drapes, Carmen,” she whispered huskily. Carmen glanced up. The heavy curtains to the cabana were drawn along the back and far side. That just might work. Hauling himself off the bed, he pulled the opposite side closed before also tying off the drapes on the front of the covering that faced the pool. It was much darker and cooler inside of the cabana now – light still seeping in from where the curtains gapped between the hooks and the roof.

“You gotta be quiet,” Carmen said, not believing his own words as he returned to the cabana mattress. “I could just pull your bikini bottoms to the side, no one will notice,” he murmured, leaning over her body to press a firm kiss to her lips. He could taste the neediness in the whine she let out against his mouth. “Oh, baby,” he laughed, patronizing her. Sliding his hand down her body, he tucked two fingers into her swim bottoms, not needing to travel very far to find her wetness. “Carmy,” she squirmed against him, only finding relief as his blocky fingers found her clit. “Oh,” she murmured, eyes fluttering shut at the feeling. He swept lower, collecting the wetness of her sex before finding her clit once again. Another satisfied sigh escaped her lips. 

“Shh, baby,” he kept from laughing, “there’s a lot of people on the other side of that curtain,” he warned. “If we get caught I’m blaming you.”

“Come on, Carmy, don’t tease me,” she pleaded, her voice absolutely pitiful. She reached up, threading her fingers together behind his neck to bring him down for a kiss.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he promised, settling into a comforting rhythm as he continued to circle her clit, building a delicious pressure that started at the base of her spine, the soles of her feet burning. His kisses trailed from her mouth down her jaw to her neck, sucking on her pulse point here as her hips ground down into his hand. “Come on, mama,” he encouraged.

Carmen slid his middle finger inside of her, his thumb still working away at her clit and she groaned gently.

“Shh,” he cooed gently, “gotta be quiet.”

“More,” she begged, “I’m almost there.”

Carmen could feel her orgasm approach, her legs trembling beneath him. Her thighs clamped shut around his hand, trapping him as she arched her back as much as her protruding belly would allow.

“There we go,” he murmured, cradling her head with his free hand, rubbing gently at the base of her skull. A few moments later, she went totally lax against him, eyes fluttering shut. “How was that?” He asked, gently sliding his hand from her bottoms.

“Mm, thank you, Daddy,” she said quietly. Carmen leaned down to kiss her once again before gently sliding his hand out of her swim bottoms. Vanessa watched as he popped his fingers in his mouth, making her blush deeply. “Aren’t you glad we splurged for the cabana?” She asked.

“I am,” he nodded, “but it was worth the risk.”