#cant believe thi \s shit

[sleepyblr-heart]

---

[illiteratt]

Feb 5 '24

I hate the power you hold on me

Of all the people, of all the "flawless" you, you fucking idiot come into my life hold it between your lips and act like it doesn't even matter to you

You have the power to bite it, to kiss it, either kill it or make it. And what i cant believe is that i made that decision, knowingly. Not knowingly, wrong word, i didn't know shit about what it could become. I gave you that chance, willingly. I could've ignored you, treated you as a friend, say piss of to you. I could have, i did that before. What makes you so fucking different? Why do you stand out between all the people in my life? I love them all, but even before i realised this power of yours (that i love you, unfortunately) you were always a bit different werent you? The closest one, the one that holds me while my mind doesnt even feel real and i dont feel the earth under my feet. I can cry to you. The one that sits next to me all the fucking time (really, how did i not understand it sooner) (you couldnt even tell your own feelings sherlock, shut up) and the absurd thi g isi wanted that too, maybe a bit more subconsciously than you.

Now i am addictive and you dont give a shit. Of course you do, i know you do, i know... you care about me you love me, i know. Thats not what im talking about. I dont even know what im talking about but you heard these speeches a lot from me didn't you? Transparent as hell, im weak, i know. Oh the way I say" i kno" must be so irritating. How do you even stand me. Yeah you know everything good for you dear me now shut the fuck up.

Im not that desperate am i? Not for you, couldnt be. You dont care. You think about me when im actually there, you love me when im around. Maybe thats just normal human behaviour, how could i know?

I know, (again, great) we are in this together. I shouldnt decide your feeli gs for you or how you should treat me worse. I know you care, i feel you care. I look a bit one sided, not from my side tho, yours. Thats why im toxic. I create a a you that hates me in my own mind because i believe you should. How could you not. I hate myself, thats enough evidence for me. I make that decision for you, told you, im toxic. Really. Bad for not only you but everyone around me probably with my self destructive little brain. Oh and how i act like i do t care with all my "i know" s. I know right? I know fucking everything, right, yeah, totally explains why im miserable.

You just hold more power on me than i do on you, and that scares the shit out of me.

5 Şubat

[twinstarlovers]

Oh I ain’t worried about the how or when 😭 I just hope it ain’t soon. I hope the universe don’t do that shit in my 20’s.

I wouldn’t be surprised if they had a brand new soul. My old sister has a new soul I believe. I think new souls has a purity to them that basically you can build them from scratch. It’s a sad sight to see actually.

But anyways this is why I think about different possible scenarios & how I’d/we’d handle it cus as they said their upbringing is crucial like it really is. I’m trying to prevent them from being abused & stuff like when I say I don’t want them going to school & stuff but I understand I can’t prevent them pain or anything bad happening like to the point where I’m over protective & stuff. Honestly… no electronics at a young age NEVER. It’s common sense. They can have a phone or whatever when they need it as in like when I need to know if they are safe. I don’t wanna put too much restrictions on electronics tho like not letting them watch tv at all because this is the generation they/we live in so you gotta balance it out.

I’m already vegetarian so we don’t have to worry much about the food part. Ugh… they’d probably be empaths like us. I feel like parenting will come natural to us but I think I’m a lot of paranoid & cautious because I don’t want to fuck up AT ALL but Ik I’m going to like everyone else somehow but I won’t literally fuck up like everyone else.

Even the choice of words you use, they will absorb them. I feel like I’d forget some things so like I be trying to study now so I don’t forget. Like choice of words, giving them options with different things, stuff like that. I feel like in the moment I’d forget. Choice of words will be a bit difficult because an example would be if I use the world “will” instead of “can”. I won’t because that’s common sense but like that’s just an example. I’ll be thinking it’s so small & irrelevant to even remember in the moment.

😒 my sober ass for 9 months. Already not liking them already. IM KIDDING. You gonna make me feel high so I suppose it doesn’t matter. We gonna travel w Goresi & Mamosi. We gotta figure out when I’m pregnant where we truly wanna live tho because children need a stable home. Italy? Lol Italy is very peaceful & beautiful. They gonna meditate at a young age as well. I think I would want them to be w my family too much or I will tell my family to not force my babies to anything. Don’t tell them god is up in the sky or make them pray w you & shit because oh they will.

I wouldn’t be afraid either that our kids hiding things from us because we are intuitive & they are brand new souls & would be terrible at lying anyways 💀. I have a cousin tho who already lies to her parents at a young age because she’s afraid of her dads reaction like she hides her papers w bad grades & stuff & her dad tells her crying is weak & it makes me so sad like I don’t want that for our kids at all. I took matters into my own hands to talk to my aunt about this cus my cousin told me like it was nothing & I was like I-. I hope she listened to my advice tho tbh. But anyways we should adopt some kids. I’m finna look ugly pregnant 😭. My face is gonna get swollen LIKE NOOOOOOOOOO. I honestly don’t wanna give birth whatsoever. I want to experience pregnancy & stuff but not birth. I’m more afraid of afterwards tho like if I tear & it hurts to use the bathroom & shit cus my ass finna start crying fr. It’s like having a cut & putting alcohol on it. I CANT. I can literally feel the pain. Then the emotions. Then my body being weird. Breast feeding! Bro. I can’t. If anything I prefer to have a c section. I rather have a scar on my stomach than having to experience the whole pus pain. I have extremely low pain tolerance as well so I can literally die from pain but would the universe even do that?

This >>>>>>

But awwwww we gonna have a lil baby Lamo 🥹🧸💗🍼🤱🏻💕👨🏻‍🍼.

I have a feeling we are gonna have a boy because I think it will benefit us both in some way. I think we both have issues w men so it’s like a boy makes more sense for the universe to send us & it pisses me off cus I don’t want a boy 🙄. They can pick out their own clothes, wear dresses if they want, play w Barbie’s cus tf. I wouldn’t instantly pick out toy cars & stuff tbh. I would get toy cars AND Barbie’s. Oh right I read once that it’s good to buy babies fake babies. It teaches them to take care of a human & stuff & to be more gentle w them so I think it will for sure be good to get them fake babies.

I ain’t bilingual but I think you are so YOU teach them 😭. We are gonna be great parents IDCCCCCC. I feel like we would connect w them a lot more tho since we are in touch w our inner child which is great. I feel like we are gonna be a lil sensitive family lmfao. Baby parents w a baby 👨‍👩‍👦💗🍼

I said soooooo much. Sorry sorry. Bye bye Mamo 👋🏼🥺. Quack quack 🐥😘💗. Love you forever 💓💗💞🫂

[dragqueenpentheus]

sits

still can't do read modes on mobile huh champ

[leightaylorwrites]

i present to you the thrilling sequel: 

the “we were all blonde in that one era” squad

[ear]

OH NO IM SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW I FOUND THE THING THEY DREW FOR ME IM SO

[nicomrade]

hi op here's one of my fav emojis: ✨

some thoughts on your fav stupeflip album?

😭 you have NO idea what uve started im not even sure i have a Fave (i do its the hypnoflip invasion but also i dont) and stup makes me analyze media for hours.... OH an interesting thing about THI is uh ok so ... julien barthélémy plays king ju and pop hip and in stupeflip (2003) we learn that king ju died in a bicycle accident

and in THI pop hip gets shot and dies (and then in stup virus we hear him sing from stup hell, implying he might also get brought back to life) and like of course i love the death theme im obsessed w the death themes and i love undead type characters and having those two characters played by the same guy both be dead is very.... its Interesting.. its Juicy... u know.. its really.... mm.. the parallels thinking about them. AND pop hip's death gets sort of foreshadowed w him jumping in songs hes not invited in and attacked by dogs n shit... sort of reminding u that everyone fucking hates the guy and he either doesnt realize or doesnt care.. OH ALSO pop hip dies partway through but the last song on the album before the interlude + outro is a pop hip song so like maleboss behavior ♥ really stole the show

OH ALSO FROM THI in la menuiserie uve got

which... omg amuro in stupeflip crossover cant believe it amuro detective conan is stup coded i have to stan him now 🙈

le spleen des petits is one of the two childhood trauma stup songs (imo, all of stup is childhood trauma music but le spleen des petits + l'enfant fou especially touch on it) and its got some really graceful writing i wont screenshot it here but i absolutely encourage lookin it up n reading along cause its so.. its so !!!! it sets a mood sooo effectively like calling it poetry is dumb cause its... a song. but u genuinely have really good storytelling and a motif w citrus fruits and thats true of most stup songs i adore their lyric writing but le spleen des petits is especially vivid w it weve got 2 fujiluppy songs in THI w gem lé moch' and le coeur qui cogne but i dont wanna... go on about them they just get an honorable mention for being fujilup instead u know what song i think about way too often... ce petit blouson en daim. this ones about compulsive buying? like the song is basically just pop hip seeing stuff he likes in stores and thinking about the 1 item for weeks convinced itll cure his depression to have it until he buys it and then he moves on to the next thing. and the last verse has him have that thought pattern about a woman instead and it idk. its already so very clearly unhealthy when its about clothes n shit (because the cycle continues, u know the jacket didnt actually cure his depression) so when its turned around to objectifying women its like. he thinks this girl will fix all his problems and we know it wont and its pointless and at this point its straight up off-putting hes literally objectifying her and its just ... wow pop hip u have issues and i hate you im glad u die 5 tracks later... AND its a fujiko song because of course it is ♥

i keep trying to type more but tumblr censors me... honorable mention to apocalypse 894 for being top 3 fave stup songs, sinode pibouin for being explicitly against capitalism/right wingers/the gov and stupeflip vite for being the absolute banger it is.... it has lyrics that hashtag hurt me in it but i wont point them out cause itd be revealing a bit too much about myself

wait nvmd its been so long since ive listened to région est its got me emotional i used to listen to it A LOT for reasons i again wont specify... im so in love w all the stup outros genuinely theyre all REALLY GOOD strange traps (terrora!!'s outro) might be my fave but god région est is immaculate stup outro is a genre in itself i wish there was more of them

IN CONCLUSION: le crayon titi..... the real conclusion is i typed in english about a band that writes in french but theres like crumbs of english lyrics in their songs so u have no excuse and listen to stupeflip now !!!!!!!

[thebirdroads]

Demon Slayer Characters as Dril Tweets (Demons edition) ((Spoilers))

Muzan: (screams "Shut The Fuck Up" as loud i can, over and over into a phone for about 4 mins straight) Ah, Cant seem to get good help these days -

Kokushibou: Sword's. The only blade known to man

Douma: petrified 800 nubile women with mucus and the so-called great state of wyoming wont allow me to build a palace out of their bodies -- fuck u

Akaza: buck bumble caressed his dead gfs hair. "you will pay for thi s, Bastards." he grabbed two uzis and charged the gym, "Suprise mother fuckers

Nakime: if you dont watch the cool visualizations that your media player of choice provides alongside the music youre listening to; youre a coaward.

Hantengu: Id like to sincerely apologize for being a beady eyed little fuck-freak. Im hell's shit. Im dog shit's ass. Brand me with a hot iron. Sorry

Gyokko: 911 WAS SATIRE U FUCKING IDDIOTS, IT WAS AN IRONY, THE MOST POIGNANT WORK OF ART IN CENTURYS #tcot #teaparty #GOP

Gyuutarou: everyone on this site thinks they're hard core but i bet if they took poison to weaken their bodies i would win fights against them handily

Daki: sure, punch all the teeth out of my mouth for having an Opinion. Very good

Kyogai: imagine a guy whose desktop computer is an integral part of his drum set and he posts by tapping the keyboard with his sticks and it's me

Rui: You Won't Believe How Many Legs That Spiders Have

[yungsk8trvibes-blog]

DEMA Theory - Twenty One Pilots.

ik some of you may be like “why is all this cryptic shit all over my feed” and stuff like that , but i think this may clear some confusion and this is my whole idea.

on 4/21/18 i went on http://dmaorg.info/ and the following message displays.

“ 404 ER_ROR

you are in violation. thEy mustn't know you were here. no one should ever find out About this. you can never tell anyone about thiS -- for The sake of the others' survIval, you muSt keep this silent. we mUst keeP silent. no one can know. no one can know. no o ne c an kn ow_

(Violation Code. 15398642_14) “

on this website we discovered that all of the capital letters spell “EAST IS UP”

we also added the following violation code shown above on the website to the following ip address showing us the actual website , where we discovered our next amount of information.

http://dmaorg.info/found/15398642_14/clancy.html

on the above website there are a bunch of images and text , which we will discuss some things we have found out based on our resources from the following website.

if you convert 15398642_14 , the violation code , with a unix time stamp converter , you get June 28th , which could possibly be a release date or something like that , maybe the day the full album gets released instead of singles.

the dates above each image are dates of the albums , or birthdays of the boys. 

the date the self titled album was released is above the following picture ,  009 12 Moon 29 , which converts to  Dec 29 2009 , the date that self titled was released. as you can see in the above picture , this appears to be an isle of flightless birds , which is a song in the self titled album. this would be the isle of flightless birds on the tower of silence.

this picture has the date , 013 01MOON 08 , which converts to  Jan 08, 2013 , the date vessel was released. in the center of the circle , the dots , look like the blurryface logo , but if you zoom in on the dots , you notice that they say letters which translate to lyrics.

ANDRE - and repeat yesterdays dance. - fairly local

LISDEN - all i feel is denial. - polarize

KEONS - choke on smoke. - heavydirtysoul

NIGO - when i got older all my fears would shrink. - stressed out

REISDRO - temperature is dropping. - doubt

SACARVER - shes a carver. - tear in my heart

NILLS - beaten down ill slip away. - goner 

VETOMO - will they be alive tomorrow. - lane boy

LISTO - listed people. - ride

all of the following lyrics are lyrics from songs in the blurryface album , and , this looks like blurryfaces album cover , but , the date listed above is the date vessel was released , which is odd and strange.

a couple of other interesting things about this map , the clique flag overlaps it , and the second grouping only has 8 columns , instead on the 9 in the other groupings.

under this image it states “gEt out. the compAss lies. they don't control you. get out. the compaSs lies. They don't control you. get out. the compass lIeS. they don't control yoU.get out. the comPass lies. they don't control you.”

the capitals spell out EAST IS UP.

if you point this map to where east is indeed up , the order of the circles change to the order in the album , in addition to this, the violation code is 15398642_14. the numbers in that order are the same numbers that the blurryface's album art's songs are in the blurryface tracklist.

this picture has the date ,  011 07MOON 08 , which translates to ,  July 8 2011 , the date regional at best was released. in the picture , it looks like a kid , also connecting it to regional at best , considering there is a kid on the regional at best album cover.

the full picture of this picture has  andre weil on it, mathematitian. who founded this group of mathematicians of 9 people. in the letter two slides below , it says that there are 9 bishops , 9 quadrants , 9 blurryface songs. 

this is dated  988 12Moon 01 , which translates to , december 1st 1998 , tyler josephs birthday. this seems to be some kind of identification card or badge , the title of the image when i downloaded it was “ba_dge.jpg” , which leads me to believe that this is a identification badge of clancy , one of the characters introduced during this album. regional at best baseball field is also on clancy st. the violation code is also on the badge. 

this picture is dated 988 06Moon 18 , which translates to , june 18 , 1998 , which is josh duns birthday. the letter up above reads,  ”The perplexities of the Dema horizon didn't occur to me until my ninth year. It was then that I began to contemplate the existential, and decide what type of impression I wanted my life to make. Naturally, to fuel my hope, I looked out upon the distance of the land that had cultivated me, only this time with new awareness of the obstruction that my youthful ignorance had allowed me to overlook. Was it there the whole time? How had I not seen something so obvious? I am reminded of the moment daily, as the realization directly collides with a unique hope for my own future. As a child, I looked upon Dema with wonder, today, I am wrought with frustration, as I spend each day squninting for a glimpse of the top of the looming wall that has kept us here. It was upon my ninth year that I learned that Dema wasn't my home. This village, after all of this time, was my trap. Before I became realized, I had deep affection for Dema. There was a wonderful structure to the city that put my cares to rest. Streets and locations were dependable, and the responsibilites of the day seemed to be accomplished with minimal effort. Once a task was taught and understood, we delighted in our ability to complete our obligations timely, and felt secure in knowing tomorrow's duties would be accomplished with the same efficiency. We all worked to represent our bishop with honnor, and knew that each inhabitant of our region had a like-minded dedication to consistency. Looms embodied the spirit of this dedication. Of Dema's nine bishops, Keos was reserved as unwavering and forthright, possessing the ability to achieve focus that was rare for most in our region. We all admired his, and felt honored to be inhabitants of his region. While we had heard legend of the ruthlessness of other bishops, Keos possessed a stoic demeanor unlike anyone I had ever met, and we were all proud to serve. - Clancy 

 also, in the above letter, it says “the perplexities of the dema horizon didn’t occur to me until my ninth year” twenty one pilots formed in 2009, so their ninth year is 2018. this also pushes the idea of clancy being tyler instead of josh , but being a songwriter myself , clancy may not be either of the boys , it may be a created character , but you never do know. 

the fact that this was put under josh’s birthday leads me to believe that clancy = josh , also , clancy translates to red warrior , hinting to josh’s old red hair , making him the red warrior.

clancy's journal states that basically keons is the bishop/region clancy likes and all the other circles (the circles represent quadrents under the rule of bishops and also the songs on the bf album art. keons is heavydirtysoul.) are horrible and clancy wants to get the hell out of dodge but cant. he also states that the "west is blocked up"

there is a bit of writing on the website that reads “  sev_ering__tiez “ , if we remember when josh accepted an award at a award show , he said tyler was our “severing ties with dema.” later , this s was changed to a z , then back to an s , once it was changed to an s for the first time ,  a torn off compass on the map that was only obtainable by editing the image was fully removed and currently remains that way.

this letter was later on added to the mix on 5/9/18. it reads , “ To refer to Dema as m[y] home has never felt accurate. Dema, t[o] me, has simply been the place that I've existed, or, the 'slot' they've put me in. I've heard stories abo[u]t the ide[a] of "home," and its depiction has always seemed warm f[r]om the storyt[e]ller's de[s]cription. [T]here was a romant[i]c ownership of the p[l]ace they inhabited that I admired, but cou[l]d never relate to. Thi[s] place, my p[l]ace, however, s[e]ems devoid of the romance and wond[e]r that the old stories tell. But somewhere between the iron order and fallible [p]recis[i]on of Dema, a hum of wo[n]der exists. It's this quiet wonder that my mind tends to [g]ets lost in. This hope of discovery alone has birthed a new version of myself; A better version, I hope, that will find a way to experience what's beyond these colossal walls. “ the date at the top of this photo is  017 07MOON 07, which translates to july 7 , 2017 . the letters i put in astricts are missing in the letter , as you can see , they spell “YOU ARE STILL SLEEPING.”              

this gif was added on 5/30/18 , as you can see there are letters flashing at the top , when put together these letters spell , " UNSTILLIDONTCKNOWOHISNREALINAMECDOOU? “ this is two messages put together , it translates to “ "U STILL DONT KNOW HIS REAL NAME DO U?” , and the letters in the places of the spaces spell ,  “ "NICO NICO" nico nico niiiii “ the date above the gif is  017 07MOON 16 , which translates to , july 16 , 2017.

the most recent updates to the website seem to corrilate with the lyrics during the tweets of the eye closing , 

polarize - You'll have to come and FIND me.

miss believer - my pretty SLEEPer.

SLOWtown - wouldnt it be great if... etc.

website was FOUND, as in /found in the url.

newest Clancy letter had "you are still sleeping" as in my pretty sleeper.

now that the gif has been uploaded to dma.org we have to SLOW it down [to read the hidden message], as in slowtown. 

it was also discovered that two new twenty one pilots songs have been registered. the song titles are "nico and the niners" and "jumpsuit".

this was added on 6/29/18. the date on the image is , 017 07MOON 17 , and below the image it says ,  " __n_ot_myo_nly_fri_en d " which coralates with truce , adding to the eye closing tweets theory . the date is also the date @blurryface liked a tweet about the tower of dema theory.

an audio was posted to the dma website on 6/29/18 stating pure nonsense , but when pitched up you hear tyler saying “so did they obey you?” or “so did they bury you?” the name of this audio file is  20 18_514_3_8 , which translates to  TR_ENC_H . this would make “ so did they bury you ? “ make alot of sense. 

here is a link to the audio https://dmaorg.info/found/trench/clancy.html

on 7/1/18 these three items were added to the website , a letter from clancy dated ,  , which translates to july 1 , 2018 , todays date .  a yellow highlight dated , 017 02MOON 12 which translates to february 12 , 2017 , which was the date of the grammy awards , and a gif of a vulture turning its head , also dated ,  018 07MOON 01. when you put the highlight over the letter from clancy you get “ we are band itos “ which translates to , we are banditos.

the clancy letter reads , “  *A lifeless light surrounds us each night. Never could I imagine that something so luminous could feel so dark. It's this glow that reminds us of the dreamless existence we've been sentenced to. But what I call a sentence, others accept as normalcy. How did they so efficiently eradicate the dreams within us? When the bishops instituted Vialism as mandate, they effectively reversed the hope that many arrived with. Am I the only one who realizes that we've been lied to? Am I the only one not afraid of the notion that the nine have hijacked our trust, and extinguished the hope that once motivated our existence? We used to close our eyes and picture a better life, now this city is full of dry eyes caught in a trance of obedience, devoid of any trace of an identity. The only significant light I've seen has been in the eyes of those smeared - such a curious sight, to see bright eyes strangled by the darkness of bishop hands. As their penance fades, so dims their memory of something more. My hope of something more is all I have in this rigid tomb, and I will not let it die. “ 

the audio we were given reversed also says “we are banditos.”

we have all the eye images. the final one was the message man one and today was a double update. today we got kitchen sink, as the vulture blinked (nobody dreams when they blink). and we messed with the message ,man by highlighting the clancy letter to find out we needed to reverse the audio given yesterday to get "we are banditos".

this was posted 7/6/18 , and titled  "_they_ca_ntseeFCE300.GIF" , it looks to me as if it is a possible music video , or maybe it is clancy using torches to escape the tower of silence , maybe it is a connection to self titled , a car , a torch , a death. 

these were added 7/8/18 , the first picture is a dead body , and the last picture is a letter from clancy , written on the back of the picture of the dead body , in handwriting now , because clancy has escaped. the ketter reads , “ I've made it out.I feel weightless. I know that place had always held me down, but for the first time, I can feel the unity that I had hoped in. It's been three nights now, and my breathing has changed - it's slower, and more full. It's like the air out here is actually worth taking in.I can see it back in the distance, and I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't constantly on my mind. I wish I could turn that fear off, but maybe the further I go, the less that fear will affect me. I feel betrayed by what I assumed was home. If I ever end up back there, I won't be able to look at it the same way.They are asleep. They're so sure that they know the truth, and carry on throughout their day with the same meaningless tasks. They've forgotten to look up, and to look outward, to understand that this isn't about 'in there.'This is about 'out here.'This new world surrounds me. I used to think the walls back home were massive- these green cliffs engulf me, and place me right in the middle- Trench is quite precarious at times, and it's easy to grow weary. But it's real, and it's true, and I'd much rather endure reality than to mindlessly be obedient to a life that someone else created for me. I've obsessed about this world for so long, that it feels more like home than anything I've experienced. Somehow, in this vast openness, I feel more protected than ever.The landscape feels endless, and I've found myself walking for hours without any true evidence of getting further down. But I've seen plants and colors out here that I'm not sure I've witnessed before. There's a beauty in the strangest places,- and the curiosity of what's next continues to motivate me.I wonder who else is out here. If what i assumed inside is true, there's got to be more like me. Sometimes I'll feel a presence, only to look up and see nothing. It's just another thing that I'm afraid of that also excites me. It all just confirms all of the things that I hoped to be true for all of this time.I am out here and I am very alive. I'm sometimes scared, but always discovering something new, and I will not stop. Cover me! “ 

this all being said , i expect a return really soon , considering clancy is out , and , this whole entire scheme , the whole entire website is based upon clancy trying to escape the tower of dema , or , the tower of silence. another words , it is twenty one pilots trying to escape the silence , or , hiatus.

[sadrien]

wanna chat? pt.24

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24

yo whats up its been A Day and i started college here are some memes

love and support = alya mental support = nino snack support = marinette existential crisis = adrien

3:13 in in this house we love and support each other

love and support: mari is so beautiful im love her

snack support: Alya its too early for you to be this gay

love and support: its never too early for gay also being overtired is gay culture

mental support: stop blowing up my phone

love and support: no!!!!!!!!!!! im loving mari!!!! join me

snack support: Pleae dont

mental support: oh shit if were talking about loving mari thats totall y a different story

snack support: Why are you doing this ot m e

love and support: because w elove u!!! ur so pretty

mental support: your eyes are so blue like the sky

love and support: the ocean

mental support: ummmm a bluer ocean

love and support: windex

snack support: Ok htis is cancleld

love and support: ur cancelled

snack support: I though ty ou loved me

mental support: oh shit

love and support: fuck

 4:14

existential crisis: Hey do you ever wonder why we all hate sleep

mental support: not sure but im super into the idea fo watching a movie right now anyone wanna join

existential crisis: Always

love and support: HELL YES i feel like mari passed out

mental support: good one of us has to live

love and support: being sleep deprived is gay culture

mental support: is everything you do gay culture

love and support: yes

PM between existential crisis and snack support

existential crisis: Did I just see Ladybug??? Why are you out right now Anything wrong??? Also let me teach you to how to put Skype on your yoyo its so much easier trust me I hope you get some sleep buggy

6:43 in in this house we love and support each other

love and support has renamed this conversation to fucking clock hearts

love and support: i want to die what was that ending

mental support: dude i need like a hug now i cant believe im crying over this

existential crisis: I can You’re a crier

mental support: so are you

love and support: that was so weird why did we do that

mental support: because its almost 7 and none of us have slept

love and support: ok since mari is asleep we can talk about how much we love her again

existential crisis: Amazing How do we do this

love and support: random thing you love about mari go!!!!!

mental support: her hair is like. really soft and silky it also sorta changes color depending on the lightin g

existential crisis: I’ve never thought about that before but you’re righ t What color is it actually??

love and support: mari is a brunette

mental support: no her hair is black

existential crisis: But in some light it’s like……not? It’s like…blue

mental support: blue??????

love and support: BLUENETTE

mental support: someone kick alya out

love and support: haha fuck you you cant kick me out im the one who made the chat

 10:35

snack support: Why are you all lik e this

PM between existential crisis and snack support

snack support: I needed some air I was getting restless I know we had an akum alike three days ago but I dont know Just really want to go ou t You were all up really late being ridiculous I hope you sleep well kitty

11:45 in fucking clock hearts

love and support has changed their name to ebony dark’ness dementia raven way

existential crisis: Alya no

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: alya YES

mental support: thats a long ass name

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: its a tribute

mental support: t0 what

existential crisis: Oh my god

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: OH MY GOD

snack support: oh my god

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: DO U NOT KNOW MY IMMORTAL

existential crisis: This is incredible

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: HOW DO U NOT KNO IT

snack support: Nino wha t hav eyou done

existential crisis: I think I could literally quote it

mental support: quote what????

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: THE GREATEST FANFICTION EVER WRITTEN

mental support: oh nerd stuff

snack support: You dont understand

existential crisis: Wait hold on I can do this I was walking outside Hogwarts It was snowing and raining so there was no sun which I was very happy about A lot of preps stared at me I put up my middle finger at them

snack support: Why can you quot e so many thing s

existential crisis: I get bored

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: GET ON CALL LOSERS WERE DOING A DRAMATIC READING OF MY IMMORTAL

mental support: wait are you serious???

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: IM ALWAYS SERIOUS ABOUT MY IMMORTAL

snack support: I cant believe were doing thi s

existential crisis: Actually My dad isn’t home right now So we could just sit on my floor and eat cookies while Alya does a dramatic reading

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: hey this is a TEAM EFFORT ur all getting parts

mental support: this is ridiculous

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: nino u don t get a role bc u gotta pay attentino ovbiously IM ebony ill split everyone else up between adrien adn mari which one of u wants draco and who wants vampir e

mental support: did you say vampire

existential crisis: I might as well be Draco Blond and rich

mental support: and a slytherin i still stand by that

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: one fuck u adriens not  a slytherin two adrien change ur name for aesthetic purposes

existential crisis has changed their name to draco malfoy

snack support: I cant believe this

snack support has changed their name to vampire

mental support: seriously who the fuck is vampire and whos ebony i thought this was harry potter

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: this is iconic thats what it is

vampire: When should we come over Adrien?

draco malfoy: Whenever you want? I’m just being lazy right now Actually warn me I’m not wearing a binder because it’s a break day and I ha ve to put one on

mental support: nope nuh uh

draco malfoy: I’ll survive a few hours!!!

mental support: im gonna be over in ten ill bring that hoodie so big that we could literally both fit in it if you wear anything more than a sports bra ill tell nathalie

draco malfoy: Oh god don’t do that

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: take care of urself marsh thats v important to do while reading classic literature

vampire: Same as what Alay said but also Alya why

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: dont fight me on this u kno its a classic

mental support: 10 minute schill dude???

draco malfoy: Yeah that’s fine

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: im so excited this is gonna be the best day ever

[resilientreader]

all the!! mythology!! asks! they're really cute, just like u, but also kind of nosy, like me; it's a match made in paradise

hahaha i think i’ve discovered a ready way to summon you at a moment’s notice: just gotta reblog an asks post

Anubis: How do you feel about death? - uhhhhhh fuckAtum: What are your greatest imperfections? - LMAO me. im my greatest imperfectionBastet: Do you have any cats? - sadly noHathor: What brings you joy? - like. actual good people???? like u and cy and such???? also uhhghgh good stories and characters i would fucking die for good shit like thatHorus: What is one thing you’ve had to fight for in your life? - i think uhhhh im still fighting to be he?ard??? by the people ik. except in reality if i just would say shit loudly for once then maybe i wouldnt have this problem but woop dee dooOsiris: Do you believe in the underworld? - fuck yeah i do, hades and me are gonna end up being pals. i just have a feeling,,,Ra: Do you have any major responsibilities or importance? - responsibilities? running a shitty site is a responsibility and uhhhh not mouthing off everyone is a responsibility. importance though? hahahahhahahThoth: Do you like to read/write? - lmao snark what do /u/ thinkArawn: What is the most terrifying thing you’ve ever done? - LMao talk about feelings. i think. i dont remember a lot of terrifying shit like i have a Great mechanism of forcing shitty memories out of my mind so genuinely i cannot remember some of my recent or longstanding hardships lmao whoopsBran: How is your health? - i wouldnt be surprised if i dropped dead soonBrighid: Tell us about your relationship with your father. - good!! he’s great he’s this weird mixture of reasonable yet passive aggressive and he also watches anime and football or sleeps in his freetime he’s nice.Cernunnos: What is your favorite animal? - oh shit uh. red pandas and african painted dogs and foxes are Nice. uhhh ravens are also nice fuck. those are uhhh a top four i thinkDanu: What is your relationship with your mother? - …uhhhhhhMorrigan: What do you think happens when we die? - i think everyone sees what they believe and there isn’t a true afterlifeOlwen: What is your favorite flower? - hrhhgehihdjkfhhh pla.n,,,ts.Rhiannon: Have you ever been betrayed? - betrayed?? maybe. idkBragi: What kind of music do you listen to? - rock. emotional shit. i love me some music-induced feelsFreya: Have you ever been in love? - sure i guessFreyr: Do you have any children? - no no noHœnir: Are you a silent or talkative person? - silentIounn: How old are you? - mmmmmmmm what was that i cant hear you oh- oh this phone’s cutting out im sor-Loki: What is the best trick you’ve ever pulled on someone? - tricks???? sorry im too inadequate for that shit Odin: What is your family like? - chaoticThor: Would you consider yourself pretty powerful? - powerful?? hahahhaahhaahhahTree: What have you done with your life? What are you going to do with it? - i have done absolutely nothing with my life and im hoping i /will/ do something with it but uhhhhhh idkAphrodite: What do you think of yourself? - ew. gross. what a disgusting human being. cant even handle pulp in their orange juice :^////. how pitifulAres: Are you an easy person to anger? - i dont think so?? or at least im not quick to /show/ my anger, so uhhhh if i get pissed at u and im not bothering to hide it or be polite then uhhhhhhhhh idkAthena: Would you consider yourself an artist? - artist???? im an artist of words (sort of). im not an artist of art. have you seen my hands? shaky, sad things. not good enough for drawingApollo: Do you play any instruments? - noDionysus: Do you drink? - i drink water glug glug love me those sweet h2o nutrientsHades: Do you have a bad reputation? - lmao. dont ask me this ask someone else this im too stuck in my head to know this shitHekate: Have you ever tried to communicate with the dead? - nah, not my thingHermes: Have you ever stolen anything? - uhhhhh ur heart xDddPoseidon: Are you a moody person? - yesZeus: Are you a confident person? - hghghg lmao noJupiter: Would people say that you are intimidating or fairly approachable? - uhhhhhH???? i have no fucks in my head ask someone who uhhhghghg actually knows this shitPluto: Where do you think we go when we die? - we go where ever we believe we’ll go. it’s all subjective bitchApollo & Dianna: Do you prefer to be up during the day or at night? - night night night night. night is saferMars: Have you ever gotten into a fight? - uhhhh maybe a verbal or silent one and one or two physical ones with siblings???? i thi??nk???????Minerva: Do you generally give good advice? - ….no i doubt itProserpine: Have you ever felt trapped? - ahhahahhahah @ ajcw, @ certain friendships, @ my familyPlutus: Do you have a job? - nahVenus: Have you ever had your heart broken? - s?ur???e?????Vesta: Do you like being home or do you try to get out whenever you can? - being home is greatMorpheus: Do you daydream often? Of what? - i daydream of magic shit

[sumblebuttz1987]

Fanfiction For My Friend

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a fan-fiction for my Friend cause she is sad and not doing to well emotional wise. So If your reading this hope this makes you feel better.

Abigail is the name of my friends character so soz if you dont like.

Angsty/Romance and lots of caring an love. 15+

Warning!! Disturbing thoughts and description very angsty.

________________________________________________________________

Song I suggest you listen to if you like?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7bIbVlIqEc&index=3&list=TLGGmqiXpBGhpYwzMTEwMjAxNw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zh4lSPANmvI

________________________________________________________________

Abigails POV

Today was a shit day. For the past few months I`ve been feeling like complete shit, life is crap everything is crap. Even though that I have the most beautiful man in the world in my arms every night and every morning, I cant help but feel like... I`m not good enough. I feel like I`m not pretty enough for him and that there are many other amazing women out there that could take my place instead of me. My mind, is slowly corrupting me. I just cant take it anymore.

I hate myself so much.

I`ve started to come to this conclusion that I may have depression. My teenage angst is slowly starting to crawl its way back into my life. And fuck I hate it. I want it to go away I want all my emotions and all my fear to disappear from this stupid reality. I walk towards the bathroom and start to undress. Jumin isnt home yet, so a little bit of this wont hurt me. So I start to let my thoughts empty into the room thats filled with silence. 

I clench my fists as I look at my appearance in the mirror. I think of my failures in my life, and it starts to over take my accomplishments. I feel the hate and the sadness within me start to pierce open. I grab my skin and frown, I cant believe this, why dose he like this?! I untie my hair and stroke through it, I dont understand why he fell inlove with this. I caress my cheek as tears start to run down my face. I clench my fist as I look at my reflection in the mirror, my mind screams as a loud noise breaks the thick silence.

SMASH

Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck... I look at myself as more tears run down my eyes from the physical pain I`ve caused myself. Glass is shattered everywhere and blood is running down from my knuckles. I feel like screaming and crying into a ball. But I need to clean this up before Jumin gets home. I kneel down on the ground to start to pick up the glass to put it on the bench- Until I hear the front door open. My eyes widen, I start to panic as I rush to sweep up the shards with my hand. 

Jumin- I`m home! 

I close the door in the bathroom. I really start to panic now. I feel my eyes scatter everywhere across the room. I find the bin and I rush to go grab it, I almost slip but I catch myself on the bench but I do make quite a noise. Shit.

Jumin- Is everything ok dear?

I feel my voice crack as I talk because of the pain I`m in.

Abigail- Y..es....

I start to tear up and cry more. I try my best to pick up more of the glass, but I hear him come near the door. I start to freak. His voice hardens.

Jumin- You don`t sound to good, I`m coming in.

Abigail- Wa-it!....

He opens the door only to see me sitting on the floor in tears as my hand Is covered in blood. Shards of glass scattered everywhere.. On the bench some on the ground, aswell as some droplets of blood on the ground aswell. His face is completely blank with a dead expression. He dosent even blink, he just stands there. I feel like hes going to yell at me.

Abigail- I`ll clean.... thi..s up... jus..t give me.. a-

I start to cry more and as I open my mouth no words come out. I feel terrible.

Before I could think of anything else he walks over and picks me up. My shaking legs wrap around his waist and and arms wrap around his chest, as I bury my face into his collarbone. I wimper into his body and feel all my fears and worry build up.

Abigail under her breath- I`m so so sorry Im so sorry jumin.

He walks me over to the kitchen bench and places me down. He goes to the cabinet and grabs the first aid kit, aswell as a wash cloth. He starts to clean up my hand and wraps a bandage around it. He looks at my puffy face and caresses my cheek. He leans in close to my face and looks at me in my eyes. I feel my soul being pierced. Until I feel a warmth spread around my body. His soft lips touch mine and start to heal the mental wounds that I gave myself. He wraps his arms around my waist pulling me in further towards him. His body is starting to make me feel warm and fuzzy all around me. He stops kissing to whisper in my ear.

Jumin- Everything Is going to be ok, I promise you. I will make it all better.

And with that he pulls me back into a kiss grabbing my sore hand and intertwining his large fingers into my small delicate ones, just like a band aid.

________________________________________________________________  

[kim-donghyuns]

Rules // Write 92 truths about yourself then tag 25 people tagged by: @imdifferentshadesofpurple

theres a lot coming up,, prepare urself

LAST…

[1] drink: ginger ale!!! 

[2] phone call: bailey

[3] text message: queen kat 

[4] song you listened to: rollercoaster - monsta x

[5] time you cried: maybe a few weeks ago?? 

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: no lmao why would anyone go near me anyways

[7] been cheated on: no

[8] kissed someone and regretted it: haha yes

[9] lost someone special: n o?

[10] been depressed: yeet 

[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: nop im a good noodle

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

[12] blue

[13] pink

[14] orange

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

[15] made new friends: yessssss im so blessed i love mi pals so much 

[16] fallen out of love: no i will forever love mark tuan :^))))

[17] laughed until you cried: yes gjaiojgoijgao im so lame

[18] found out someone was talking about you: h haAa ye s

[19] met someone who changed you: yeeeeeeeeeeee

[20] found out who your true friends are: y e s fukccksjfc

[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: i blocked them on facebook cya

GENERAL…

[22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: like all of them ??? i only add people i know ???

[23] do you have any pets: no :(((((((((

[24] do you want to change your name: nah 

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: pizza!!! ice cream cake!!!! and i played pool !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[26] what time did you wake up: yikes like 2pm iosdjhoijdsh

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: playing league y i k e s

[28] name something you cannot wait for: GRADUATION !!!!

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: like 5 minutes ago

[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i wasnt so hard on myself but even tho everyone tells me not to be hard on myself and like even tho i try to be nicer to myself its very difficult not to hate my art and stuff

[31] what are you listening to right now: oh boy - red velvet

[32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: no i dont think so?? lmao

[33] something that is getting on your nerves: ap lit homework is so stupid i actually hate it why did i take this class its actually useless i dont even need ap lit why did i do this to myself i just have to answer questions about othello but like i have to read my answers to the class tmr and im gonna sound like an idiot wHY di D I tAKE THI S FUkcin g cLASS

[34] most visited website: youtube ??

[35] elementary: kinda shit 

[36] high school: super shit

[37] college: IM EXCITED !!!!! i cant wait to pay to sit in a class with my fellow art majors while we all cry over our paintings 

[38] hair color: black 

[39] long or short hair: my hair is kinda short idk its like shoulder length 

[40] do you have a crush on someone: mark!!!! and ha minho

[41] what do you like about yourself: i try to make others happy by drawing them nice things

[42] piercings: nop

[43]blood type: thats a good question

[44] nickname: nat !

[45] relationship status: haha

[46] zodiac sign: pisces 

[47] pronouns: she/her

[48] fav tv show: uhhh i dont watch much tv anymore but i used to love the walking dead a lot 

[49] tattoos: i kinda want one but im a pussy akfhiodfhjadfh

[50] right or left hand: left !!!!

FIRST…

[51] surgery: nope

[52] piercing: i dont have any

[53] best friend: bailey ! its been like 14 ? years maybe ??

[54] sport: soccer lmaooo

[55] vacation: portland ??

[56] pair of trainers: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: nothing but i just finished eating ice cream like 10 minutes ago?

[58] drinking: ginger ale a y e 

[59] i’m about to: draw probably but i should do my ap lit homework fuck

[60] listening to: easy love - sf9 

[61] waiting for: school to enddddd

[62] want: a hug that lasts for like an hour and i fucking want school to end pls hurry

[63] get married: i hope so

[64] career: im just a child let me live

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: both !!!!!!!!!!!!! im soft

[66] lips or eyes: eyes 

[67] shorter or taller: taller!! i love tall boys so much i 

[68] older or younger: older but like not too much older than me

[70] nice arms or nice stomach: arms kdoajoidh

[71] sensitive or loud: mmm idk im good with either 

[72] hook up or relationship: relationship 

[73] troublemaker or hesitant: adfkjodfhij idk hesitant ???

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger? no im just a child !!!!

[75] drank hard liquor? i tried a bit 

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses? nop

[77] turned someone down: yeahh

[78] sex on first date? NO IM A CHILD LET ME LIVE I 

[79] broken someone’s heart? yea :(((( 

[80] had your own heart broken? yea :((((((((((((((((((((

[81] been arrested? i am a child

[82] cried when someone died? yeah

[83] fallen for a friend? hnhgnnjsknkg ye a

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

[84] yourself? hardly ever :^)

[85] miracles? idk 

[86] love at first sight? idk prob not ??

[87] Santa Claus? lmao not anymore :((

[88] kiss on the first date? depends i guess

[89] angels? uhhhhh n o ??? idk ahhh

OTHER…

[90] current best friend’s name: i have a bunch of best friends itd be too many to list but one of their names is also natalie hahahahafudihdih

[91] eye color: dark brown lmao

[92] favorite movie: CORALINE !!!!!!!!!!!! the best movie ever the animation is so beautiful i m in tears 

tagging: @bubblejoy @ult2jae @bambama1 @jungnoir @honghearts @wassereis @jyum @jaebumsbb (yall dont have to!!)

[drowthelynes]

why does college attendance and the immediate realization at 2.44pm that i’ll fail despite how much i try to cover up and even if that it’s probably doable and not that criminal in the grand scheme od things i still want to get run over by a train lmao

just/? im just consistently fucking up and i was ridden with guilt over making my parents enroll me in the most fuckall expensive option, and now that it was my choice and i cant even live up to that and im wasting my parents’ money nad time?? my health is shit, so much that i miss classes just bc i cant even raise my head in the morning thanks to stress and paina nd sleep deprivation, on top of existing guilt oer fucking up my friendships royally, and like i just dont care anymore maybe something horrible will happen to me at least that way i cnan catch a fuckenng break and justify escape from my problems bc im a huge coward lol

so many things seem trivial now,  i cant believe i was worried abt calling dibs on the new PG apmt jsut eysterday? who cares if i cant room w/ my freinds later im gonna get afraid of nothing and just demonize them in 1 sec and run away and ruin it anyway it’s a verifiabele 100% fact i catnt commit to or maintain relations w ppl anywehre even pot, or an entire cig pack couldnt make me destress (not that im smoking an entire pack but still), food tastes like ash, assignments are horrifyignly pverwhelming and if i caould just get myself out of thi funk and do something about it instead of wishing a meteor lands on me or me getting on the wrong end of a knife from some shady local - i could take steps to wade my way thruogh this mess but wh at i s t he P o i n t

[relativelyanonymousgirl]

My blog

It’s time for some changes around here. Well, not actually around here, you’re probably not gonna notice anything. As usual, the work has to be done inside my brain regarding this blog. And I’m taking you along for the ride. ‘

So I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks and this is why. When I started my blog I was in the positive part of the sinus wave that is my life. I was feeling good. I was feeling inspired. I was feeling motivated. And although I still had a lot of drama in my head surrounding my blog, it was a lot less drama then during the negative parts of my sinus ways or even just the parts where the derivative is negative. You can ignore that. 

Furtermore, this blog is dedicated to things that I know and have learned about the mental health journey and when you’re in one of those bad periods you’re not learning much and your brain isnt really enjoying thinking about it when you do. So coupled with some fear of failure issues regarding the act of blogging itself. Well I wasnt blogging. 

Now I could give you a lot os reasonable excuses and you’d probably believe them like I would. Examples are the ones I gave above but the thing is. The only thing I need to blog is a laptop and an idea. And even though I am in a bad period and I’m learning less, I’m still learning. I’ve got about one of those realisations per day so technically I could write a blog post per day. 

So I tried. I was grinding, work hard play hard and all that shit. It didnt work well. I wrote that post about the ‘messy middle’ and although I am happy i did that and that was all I could manage at that point it’s not really the content that I made this blog for. Now this is a no-rules blog (to battle my fear of failure) so its allowed to be there and all that, but it’s not my intention to write those type of posts. 

This is what I believe. Everywhere you feel resistance in your mind, there is a problem that you can solve by working on your brain. It’s a problem you cant (okay probs you can but its gonna take you soo much more energy and pain, not worth it) solve by simply grinding. I was feeling resistance in my mind about blogging and I tried to solve it by grinding, it didnt work and felt really wrong as well. Like writing that one blog post did not feel great.

It comes down to what I wrote in my last post. You have a subconcious, negative belief (unknown at this point), but you notice the symptoms, which often means experiencing resistance (you don’t feel like writing for your blog) then your brain offers The Excuse or The Excuses (writing a blog is not easy, I haven’t had any good realisations in a while, my brain isn’t tuned to realisations bc I feel bad and also dude, I feel bad, leave me alone). They’re probably all true and theorethically all valid reasons. But they’re not your reason. Your reason is the subconcious negative belief you have about yourself and writing this blog. 

So I have been having some subconcious negative belief(s) about my blog. For me, these usually have to do with fear of failure, which apperently has been with me for my whole life unlike my other mental health.. issues. So I’m scared that the posts that I wrote wouldn’t be as good as the posts that I wrote when I felt good. And when I felt good I had the right mindset about blogging, which for me is that at this point I’m just blogging to find my voice and after that learn how to write a good blog and just see what issues come up and battle. 

I feel resistance around having a public blog and I’m trying to expand my comfort zone (I’ll write about expanding your comfort zone vs stepping out of it later) by taking the biggest step in the right direction that still feels comfortable (also a superimportant concept, I think I wrote about this already some time ago). Which is writing a private blog. 

So I actually started writing and I was amazed at how good the stuff that I was writing was. Like not form-wise, I’m just rambling, but content-wise. And that’s where the perfectionism/fear of failure kicked in. 

One technique that I use to feel my resistance and imagine the size of the resistance is to compare the acitivty that I have a hard time doing to a similar acitivty that I find very easy. In my previous blog post I compared learning about computers, which I was unable to do, with learning about psychology, which I’m very good at. In this post it is writing for my blog, which I haven’t done in two weeks, compared to writing in my journal. I almost completely fill up an entire notebook per month. 

This technique is helpful because you can’t trust your brain. It believed The Excuse and even after you realise that that belief isn’t entire gone. If it was you could just start doing the activity that you felt resistance for. You cant, the resistance is still lingering and so is a little of your negative belief. For me, right now, this means that I know I’m not writing because of the negative belief but I think that if I’ve worked away the negative belief i would feel comfortable writing like three posts in a week maybe. Even though i could write on my blog equally much as in my journal which is at least one time a day. (when i wrote that i would feel comfortable writing three posts in a week I already got that little sliver of fear from my mind that goes ‘no you cant! I dont want to think about this! your posts won’t be good enough!).

Okay so I now know a. I have a problem b. my Excuse and c. the size of the resistance (which means i know what to work towards).

So let’s get to the juicy stuff. The negative subconscious thought. Okay I’m drawing up a blank. That’s okay, it happens. you gotta work with what you got. If you can’t turn the negative belief into words and it’s not entirely necessary, then just dont. The reason I know it’s not entirely necessary is because I’ve already got the solution in my head (it’s still a bit vague but I’ll work it out more). In fact I’m already exercising the solution, which you might have noticed by the fact that this is the second post I am writing today.  

You might be reading my blog (right, all those 0 followers am i right) and you’re trying to employ the little techniques and stuff that I tell you and you draw up a blank. That’s okay, it happens to me ALLL the time. I know what the next step is, but I cant figure it out. For example, I might feel some resistance and know something is ‘off’, but I don’t know exactly what feels off, I dont know my negative subconcious belief or my Excuse and I’m just not getting anywhere. In this case I know enough about my negative belief that I can work futher (it’s about fear of failure/perfectionism and has to with that I want my posts to be perfect or at least good enough or at least as good as the previous ones. I am viewing my blog as an end-result (good posts!) and means of validation (see, I am smart) instead of as a means (I am learning how to blog, mistakes are part of the process).

But sometimes you don’t. And that can be frustrating. Now the thing is, the brain is so immensely powerful, especially the subconcious part. So just let that part figure it out (I do this all the time, a genuine life hack). Now how do you do that? You already did. Your subconcious brain can only work on thoughts that you’re not trying to run away from AND that you are concious of. So the moment you realised there was some resistance and there was something off and you wanted to know what, this thought was added to your knowledge base and your subconious can start working on it. 

How does that work? not so sure, but it probably has something to do with sleep (where you solidify memories and somehow make connections between the new concepts you’ve learned and all the old ones) and just your brain associating at other times. Let me explain that last part. Imagine your thought is x and the solution is y. Now what you’ll want to do is think about x really really hard and try to come up with solutions (maye its z or maybe its p, or q or b) and it won’t work. Instead, you just allow it into your knowledge base and while you go about your day and you encounter new concepts (e, r, a, z, etc) your brain is making associations on its own. At some point you encounter y (the solution remember), Now your brain will associate it with x. tadaa! solution. But if x hadn’t been in your knowledge base, your brain would never have connected the two. 

Right let’s get back to the original post. I was talking about The negative subconscious belief and then made a detour to explain why it is okay if you can’t figure that one out exactly or at all. In this case its a “can’t turn it into words, but I know enough to work (at least partly) on the solution”. And the Negative belief is about perfectionism, as I also explained above. Now the solution for me is to start viewing my blog as I view my journal. The way I view my journal is that it’s not about what I write or the quality of what I am writing. That is not important at all, it’s about what the writing does to me, which is it helps clarify my thoughts. Now it’s a little different with my blog. Whereas I do not have an end-goal with my journal, I do have an end-goal with my blog, because I would like to end up with good quality posts. However, the way to get there is not to try to write good-quality posts at this point. 

So I used to think that the most important hurdles of writing my blog would be a. my perfectionism and b. my ability to explain the concepts in a way that it constitues good blog posts. But also I didn’t know shit about writing blogs, since I was an absolute beginner. That’s how it’s supposed to be and it means that you’re gonna encounter hurdles that you couldn’t imagine before you started writing. Obviously. Now although my fear of failure/perfectionism is probably #nr 1, I am battling that by changing the way I view my blog. And here is the new ‘hurdle’ that I’ve discovered: i can’t write posts where I explain the concepts I come up with eloquently, because I dont think about my concepts eloquently either. i dont have some kind of organised mind palace up there. It’s more like an abandoned dungeon and I only got this crappy flashlight that turns off halt of the time and sometimes I glimpe a concept and I try to hold on to it with all my might. But I don’t know much about it and I also don’t know how it connects with the other concepts in my head. It’s a bit of a jumbled mess.

I’d like to create some order in that chaos. One way to do this is by writing about the concepts. First off, you’ll learn more about the concept itself as you write, secondly it’ll start to make more sense since you’re ordering your thoughts and thirdly, which at this point I’m most interested in, you’ll make connections with the other concepts in your mind. For example, this blog post was just supposed to be about how i’m gonna change my brain to write more, but half of it is dedicated on how to let your subconcsious (yes I still cant write that word, fuck off) work for you. That certainly doesn’t make for a quality blog post but it does make for more order in my head. 

So let’s summarize: at this point in time these are the three main hurdles I have in getting towards my end-goal, which is writing good quality posts. The hurdles are #1 perfectionism, #2 eloquent writing, #3 having order in my mind about the concepts I write about. Now the eloquent writing will solve itself by me writing a lot. Writing is a skill and I’m practicing it. (it’s not that easy, there’s brain-changing involved here too, maybe I’ll write a blog post about that too someday). The perfectionism is ‘solved’ by changing the way I view my blog-posts: not as end-products but as a means to... create order in my mind about the concepts I write about, which is how I’m working on hurdle #3. 

There you go. A little insight in how I’m learning how to blog. And basically how I think too. I need to go eat breakfast now or I’d try to summarize the whole post a little more. Maybe in my next post. See ya. 

[gulescamisade]

MN, Ground:  Day 21

DIRK: -has been up since the wee hours trying to get a signal on the lake house's tv. not only to keep on top of current events, but also to make sure they can catch the show his dad and uncle are planning on broadcasting. he can't miss that... plus, this gives him something to do with his hands. it's a win-win-

SOLLUX: -He can't sleep. It's not a completely unusual occurrence, but it's definitely unwanted when there's so little for him to occupy his mind with. He's frustrated with his own sleeplessness, and he elects to drift around corners of the lake house, smelling his way around and brushing into edges here and there.-

ARADIA: -she's awake also, sitting at a table in the kitchen and staring out the window, watching the scene outside-

[THERE ARE CAR SOUNDS IN THE DISTANCE]

[BROOM BROOM]

SOLLUX: ...wtf?

ARADIA: -car sounds. Yes. as expected- yes it is tf

SOLLUX: thanks aa.

SOLLUX: that really clears things up f0r me.

JAMISON: =Now they they've been freed of all shenanigans (for now) the Mystery Machine pulls up outside a cozy looking cabin. TOO COZY. This van seems a bit too much anyway what with its mounted high-powered rooftop weaponry and a mysteriously stained pyramid ram located on the front.... listen you gotta be prepared. The van stops, we're here. YOU'VE BEEN FREED=

ARADIA: youre welcome

ARADIA: theyre here

SOLLUX: wh0's "they"????

ROSE: -PEERS OUT A WINDOW-

MEULIN: -smushes against the glass up above her-

ARADIA: youll see

ARADIA: hear or smell rather

SOLLUX: i d0n't think i want t0.

ROSE: -SHE JUST SORTA OPENS THE DOOR AND FLOPS OUT.- So. This is the place, yes.

MEULIN: I GUESS SO. -steps out and adjusts her sunglasses in a thoughtful, nerdy sort of way.-

MEULIN: IS EFURRYONE INSIDE?

ROSE: At least several people are inside.

ROSE: I think.

MEULIN: AND IT'S TOTALLY NOT AN AMBUSH.

ROSE: We've been driving for days. I'll take an ambush over a perpetually sore ass.

MEULIN: YOU COULD ASK THEM FOR A BUTT RUB. (｡･ω･｡)

ARADIA: then cover your ears and nose

ROSE: Tempting.

MEULIN: FRIENDS GIVE FRIENDS BUTT RUBS. -sneaks toward the door-

SOLLUX: -flops in a kitchen chair next to Aradia and buries face in her hair. Done.-

ARADIA: there we go

ARADIA: perfect

SOLLUX: mph.

ARADIA: ignorance is bliss

ARADIA: and composed of my hair

SOLLUX: yeph.

MEULIN: -taps on the door and then sneaks to peer into the window-

ROSE: -UNLOADING some crap from the van. Like a bag messily stuffed with laundry.-

MEULIN: HEY, IT'S ARADIA!

ARADIA: -sees meulin at the window and waves excitedly for her to come in-

MEULIN: SHE SAYS TO COME IN.

ROSE: I imagine she would. Do you see anyone else?

MEULIN: YEAH. SOMEONE IN HER HAIR.

ROSE: Okay, good. That means it is legitimate.

ROSE: -BURSTS IN.- I need a washing machine and a shower. Not necessarily in that order.

MEULIN: -slinks behind her- HI! ME TOO.

SOLLUX: f0inh the klaa.

ROSE: Aradia, you appear to have something entangled.

ARADIA: -smiles widely at them- hi guys! im glad you made it

ARADIA: -glances solluxward- yes it appears to be a pretty bad knot

SOLLUX: -flips them all off-

ROSE: It's good to see you're safe, too.

MEULIN: COOL.

SOLLUX: hhhf.

DIRK: -walks in on all this and stares at everyone with wide eyes. loses his cool for a second, but whatever he already looked worse for wear. he's just he's so relieved to see them.-

DIRK: Rose.

DIRK: Hey.

ROSE: -APPROACHES... and drops the bag of laundry on the ground.-

ROSE: You look pretty good, for looking like hell. Have you been shaving?

MEULIN: (｡◕ω◕｡)

MEULIN: BETTER NOT HAVE. I WANNA TOUCH THE WHISKERS.

DIRK: Do I really look that ragged? -runs a palm over his scruff. he hasn't been.-

ROSE: Could I possibly not look that ragged?

ROSE: Did you hear about what happened?

ROSE: I am somewhat hoping that you did.

MEULIN: -pads over and touches Dirk's whiskers with her beans while they converse. TUCH.-

MEULIN: -also nuzzles his shoulder. HELLO.-

ARADIA: it was pretty incredible

DIRK: -wow, affection. he almost forgot what that feels like. whoops. he gives meulin's hair a pet and cracks a small smile at both her and rose's combined presence. they're wonderful.-

DIRK: I wish I could've been there.

ROSE: At this risk of sounding inappropriate at a time like this, I am, in fact, quite glad that you weren't.

ROSE: I don't think there is anyone I'd wish that place upon.

ROSE: Not that it matters now, I suppose.

MEULIN: IT WAS PRETTY GROSS ON A WHOLE.

MEULIN: AND ON A CASE BY CASE BASIS.

MEULIN: ROSE WAS A TOTAL BADASS THOUGH.

DIRK: Yeah. You're right. I'm sure there will be more opportunities to witness Rose showing off how fuckin' rad she is.

ROSE: -SIGHS and leans into the pile-

ROSE: You are going to make me blush.

ROSE: Everyone here's okay?

DIRK: -nods- Yeah.

DIRK: We're... We're good. -pets meulin's hair some more. thank goodness for therapy cats.-

DIRK: We lucked out finding a nice place to lay low. You guys can take care of your showers and shit. Just don't expect hot water for long.

DIRK: Oh yeah, I got the TV to work this morning too. That's a thing.

MEULIN: -prrrr rumbles, then perks ears.- TV? WHAT'S IT SAY?

DIRK: Still a lot of buzz about what y'all did. And my uncle's twitter war.

DIRK: You know the Virginia folks are gonna broadcast some kind of concert as a big fuck you to the presidents? Now that I definitely wish I was there for.

ROSE: ...

ROSE: Is it going to be broadcast?

ROSE: I kind of like the idea of that.

DIRK: It is.

DIRK: Wonder if I can scrounge up some popcorn for the event.

ROSE: We do have chips from a truckstop.

DIRK: Oh shit. Then we're all set.

MEULIN: AWWW MAN... I LOVE CONCERTS...

ROSE: -CASUALLY, AND GRACELESSLY, flops onto the nearest couch-like surface.-

DIRK: -there she goes... he's going to wander over to the kitchen though. hovering a little around sollux and aradia. subtly.-

DIRK: -addresses the new arrivals, though- Can I get you anything? We have... soup.

DIRK: Which incidentally is about the extent of what I can cook.

ROSE: I'm not sure. I may be done with eating, possibly forever.

ROSE: The concept has become fallow, truly.

MEULIN: I'M HUNGRY!!

MEULIN: -not even zombies can faze her-

ROSE: Can I consume soup intravenously?

DIRK: If only I had the means to test it. DIRK: Hey, Aradia. You've got first aid on you, right? Inject some soup into Rose.

DIRK: -rattles pots and pans for meulin. again, it's something to do. at least he can feel useful.-

ARADIA: mhmm

ARADIA: i could if you really want to

ARADIA: i recommend tasting

ROSE: -GROANING NOISE-

MEULIN: ~(=^. .^) -HOVERS-

MEULIN: PLEASE DON'T INJECT ROSE WITH SOUP.

DIRK: But she's suffering.

DIRK: -pours bowls for everybody once it's done. it's tomato... hands meu a bowl, then slides a couple at sollux and aradia before shuffling over to rose. eat...-

ROSE: -....ok so tomato soup she can probably do no matter how much it may resemble the blood of guy fieri.-

ROSE: -She tries to make it hover-- but urgh.-

ROSE: -nevermind.-

ROSE: -she just puts it on her stomach and eats it from there.-

MEULIN: - 👀tomato soup-

SOLLUX: -very slowly extracts himself from the hair prison-

ARADIA: dont get stuck

ARADIA: thanks dirk

DIRK: Think nothing of it. -goes to join them at the table to eat, but he's just kinda poking at the soup.-

SOLLUX: -grunts and just sort of touches his spoon.-

MEULIN: -SLRRRPS in the bg-

MEULIN: I STILL HAVE SOME MOOSE MEAT IF ANYONE WANTS.

DIRK: Huh.

DIRK: Maybe later.

ROSE: They killed a moose, by the way.

ROSE: -slurps...-

ROSE: Do we have a plan of attack, yet?

DIRK: ... Not quite.

DIRK: Haven't really... been able to focus.

[[ There's a soft glow of green that grows stronger suddenly, and there's a humanoid shape that hovers into the kitchen through the wall. There's some slime left behind. Oops. ]]

JADESPRITE: hi

ARADIA: -turns to smile at jade sprite- hi

JADESPRITE: -holds up a paw- i didnt want to interrupt especially since i cant eat or

JADESPRITE: contribute much else but

JADESPRITE: we did have some ideas

ROSE: -Blinks-

ROSE: -SHE CAN'T BELIEVE SHE FORGOT ABOUT JADESPRITE-

ROSE: Oh.

ROSE: Hello.

DIRK: -blinks in jadesprite's direction also.- ... Yeah?

JADESPRITE: yes

JADESPRITE: but i think maybe first we should talk about what's going on

ROSE: Right.

JADESPRITE: davesprite has been watching jade

JADESPRITE: something like this has happened before, in the universe we're from -laces her paw fingers together-

JADESPRITE: so we know what she's capable of

JADESPRITE: though you probably already figured out she was the one that zapped you around the country

JADESPRITE: she has full control of that power now

ROSE: Right. So we can't do anything to her head on, or with her awareness. ROSE: We'll just be in the same position we were before.

JADESPRITE: essentially yes

JADESPRITE: so someone has to deal with her

JADESPRITE: thats why were volunteering ourselves

JADESPRITE: -carefully, she pulls out some sort of pendant with a Skaianet symbol and dangles it in the air- i managed to recreate a device that davesprite has for myself

JADESPRITE: id like to give it to one of you for safekeeping, in case i need it

JADESPRITE: i can go into it and also be summoned to its location

JADESPRITE: jade has the one of davesprite's

DIRK: ... I can take it. -holds out his hand-

JADESPRITE: -smiles a little and offers it over to him- thanks

JADESPRITE: anything she tries to do to us would be significantly less dangerous than to any of you, and we should be able to come back quickly with these

JADESPRITE: besides... someone also has to handle jane

JADESPRITE: she doesnt have the same powers but... she is dangerous

ROSE: I... right. I suppose we're going to have to incapacitate them.

JADESPRITE: somehow, yes

JADESPRITE: but we can buy as much time as possible

JADESPRITE: but if it came down to it...

JADESPRITE: ...well, im sure well figure out something

ROSE: Right.

ROSE: I could probably buy time with Jane, at least.

ROSE: But I can't imagine deprogramming them will be... easy.

DIRK: -quietly puts the pendant on to keep it close, tucking it under his shirt, but he's zoning in and out of this conversation and it's frustrating him a little because he NEEDS to be a part of this.-

JADESPRITE: right

JADESPRITE: the brainwashing is affecting jades filters and inhibitions at the same time its telling her whos in control

JADESPRITE: all her repressed thoughts are loose

JADESPRITE: so it's not just the obedience thats the problem... -shakes her head- im sure jane is feeling something similar

JADESPRITE: um... anyway

JADESPRITE: hal has the ship just outside the atmosphere

JADESPRITE: weve managed to talk to him safely from space

JADESPRITE: horuss is still cloaking the ship too but im not sure what theyre planning to do

JADESPRITE: hal is being sort of cagey about it

ROSE: -She frowns.-

ROSE: Is this something that... happened to you?

JADESPRITE: ...

JADESPRITE: i think so

JADESPRITE: its not all clear but...

JADESPRITE: between my memories and davesprite's i feel sure that it's something i know well

ROSE: Do you have any foggy memories of getting out?

JADESPRITE: no...

JADESPRITE: it just feels like i went to sleep for a long time

ROSE: Ah.

ROSE: -She nods.-

ROSE: Well. That's an option.

ROSE: Knock her out somehow.

DIRK: I wonder if the Serkets would have any effect on them. -manages to chime in-

DIRK: I don't like suggesting that, but it might be one of our safest options. I'd rather not knock them out forcefully.

ROSE: Well, we can't waste our opportunity.

ARADIA: trust your instincts and dont doubt yourself

JADESPRITE: -hovers thoughtfully- ...

JADESPRITE: it could work

JADESPRITE: we will just have to be careful

JADESPRITE: if jade knows whats coming she could zap them away

ROSE: ...

ROSE: -sorta. Takes in a deep breath through her teeth.-

ROSE: Okay.

MEULIN: -she's already finished her soup, and now she's just sort of contemplating the bowl... everyone's working so hard-