illiteratt

[illiteratt]

Feb 5 '24

I hate the power you hold on me

Of all the people, of all the "flawless" you, you fucking idiot come into my life hold it between your lips and act like it doesn't even matter to you

You have the power to bite it, to kiss it, either kill it or make it. And what i cant believe is that i made that decision, knowingly. Not knowingly, wrong word, i didn't know shit about what it could become. I gave you that chance, willingly. I could've ignored you, treated you as a friend, say piss of to you. I could have, i did that before. What makes you so fucking different? Why do you stand out between all the people in my life? I love them all, but even before i realised this power of yours (that i love you, unfortunately) you were always a bit different werent you? The closest one, the one that holds me while my mind doesnt even feel real and i dont feel the earth under my feet. I can cry to you. The one that sits next to me all the fucking time (really, how did i not understand it sooner) (you couldnt even tell your own feelings sherlock, shut up) and the absurd thi g isi wanted that too, maybe a bit more subconsciously than you.

Now i am addictive and you dont give a shit. Of course you do, i know you do, i know... you care about me you love me, i know. Thats not what im talking about. I dont even know what im talking about but you heard these speeches a lot from me didn't you? Transparent as hell, im weak, i know. Oh the way I say" i kno" must be so irritating. How do you even stand me. Yeah you know everything good for you dear me now shut the fuck up.

Im not that desperate am i? Not for you, couldnt be. You dont care. You think about me when im actually there, you love me when im around. Maybe thats just normal human behaviour, how could i know?

I know, (again, great) we are in this together. I shouldnt decide your feeli gs for you or how you should treat me worse. I know you care, i feel you care. I look a bit one sided, not from my side tho, yours. Thats why im toxic. I create a a you that hates me in my own mind because i believe you should. How could you not. I hate myself, thats enough evidence for me. I make that decision for you, told you, im toxic. Really. Bad for not only you but everyone around me probably with my self destructive little brain. Oh and how i act like i do t care with all my "i know" s. I know right? I know fucking everything, right, yeah, totally explains why im miserable.

You just hold more power on me than i do on you, and that scares the shit out of me.

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