#cannot ever start a new hobby casually

[i-live-inyourwalls]

kagehina fic i started writing as my FIRST FIC EVER is almost 10k words no end in sight 😀👍🏽

[ollieolliewrld]

HSR Men in Relationships (SFW)

1.5k words

Argenti ♡This man worships you. ♡He searches for beauty and to now have the very definition of that in his arm, he cannot believe it ♡Ever since you two met he questions if this is reality as you are too good to be true ♡Argenti does his best to make time for you while getting his knightly duties done

♡You will constantly have fresh flowers ♡He believes that you deserve to have constant beauty surrounding you ♡Wherever he goes he brings something back for you ♡His phone is filled with pictures of you ♡You are his model and he will start a photoshoot anywhere ♡If the light is right he will immediately pull you his phone to capture the moment ♡Whether you are posing or he catches you off guard every picture is perfect

Blade ♡He is not a man of many words but when he does speak it is to show you his care ♡When he first saw you he was entranced ♡It was only for a moment but he could remember every detail ♡After that, he would sneak away from the other Stellaron Hunters to be around you casually ♡He would never start the initial conversation so you were the one to say ‘Hello’ ♡Blade finds comfort in your presence ♡All of the pain he feels can be dulled by having your head on his shoulder ♡He’s the kind of man who would see you struggling to open a jar and without saying a word take the jar and open it for you ♡He makes sure you are taken care of ♡Nothing is going to happen to you while he’s around

Dan Heng ♡Dan loves that you are as interested in learning as he is ♡Every time he finds something new to add to his database you are the first to know ♡Your eyes lighting up when he shares information with you makes his heart skip a beat ♡Early mornings when he makes you tea ♡Then lays with you just talking ♡He can relax with you ♡Conversations between you two let him be himself ♡With you, he doesn't have to worry ♡You can handle yourself and he appreciates that ♡He is there to support you always but has a lot on his plate ♡Time with you is sacred and he wants to know you inside and out ♡You are his partner, his equal, you are treasured and he makes sure that you know this

Dr. Ratio ♡Veritas Ratio is a picky man ♡He knows exactly what he wants and refuses to settle ♡Never did he think that he would find someone that met his standards ♡When you walked in he had met his match ♡At first, he’s very skeptical as you are just too good to be true ♡With time he settles in and enjoys your company ♡You don’t need to match his intellect ♡That’s not what he’s looking for ♡He has grown cold to normal emotion and is drawn in by your humanity ♡Your care for yourself and others around you that’s what he loves ♡Ratio enjoys doing your hobbies with you ♡He may already know everything about it ♡But he wants to know what it means to you ♡You are his final lesson and he will spend his life learning you

Gepard ♡Very much a golden retriever ♡Gepard is just happy to have you around ♡No matter what you’re doing his heart swells when he looks over and sees you ♡He has worked his whole life and you are the missing piece ♡Goes out of his way to make sure everything is done for you ♡He’s an early riser because of his duties and regardless of how early he wakes up Gepard makes sure to have your coffee/tea ready with a small note ♡When he’s stationed away from you he writes you letters ♡He never wants to be away from you but knows that he needs to keep you safe ♡Likes to keep a picture of you in his wallet ♡No matter how cold it gets you keep him warm ♡You are his endgame and even though he’s very comfortable with and around you he never stops putting effort in ♡The two of you work as a team making sure the other stays happy

Jing Yuan ♡Jing Yuan is a relaxed man ♡Enjoys to take you to work with him ♡As long as nothing dangerous is going on he sees no problem with having you on his arm ♡At times he will send Yanqing your way to keep him occupied ♡Takes you to see the most beautiful parts of the Luofu ♡He wants to share everything with you, being together for everything ♡Surprisingly a very good cook ♡At least once a week he makes sure to clear time to cook a beautiful dinner for the two of you ♡Making sure you are taken care of includes making sure you are eating well ♡Seeing you smiling and eating the food he has prepared for you makes him fall for you more and more ♡A protective lover as he has seen all that can go wrong and happen ♡Above all else, he will keep you safe

Luocha ♡This man is very smooth ♡You thought he was a bit of a player at first ♡He only has eyes for you though and you saw this ♡As he is constantly on the move he hopes to bring you with him ♡He has you as a lover and partner ♡Luocha takes great care in listening to your thoughts and ideas ♡You see things slightly differently than him and he uses that to build new ideas ♡Big on slow dancing with you whether it be in the kitchen or under the moonlight he enjoys holding you close and moving in sync ♡He likes to leave small notes around when you aren’t looking ♡No matter how many you find you always get a certain look on your face as you read them that makes Luocha a happy man

Welt ♡Welt enjoys a more relaxed relationship ♡He wants to spend time with you doing things like taking walks or holding you while he works ♡Most of his time is spent working and making sure all things on the ♡Express are going smoothly so when he is with you he wants to take some time to get his mind off of that ♡There have been times when the two of you had something planned and it was interrupted by work ♡But he always makes it up to you and you know that it is not his fault ♡You sometimes take it upon yourself to try to help with the work ♡While he appreciates the thought he would much rather have your head on his shoulder or on his lap while he does what needs to be done ♡Welt goes the extra mile to show you that he cares ♡He never forgets an anniversary or birthday and makes sure that those days are for you and him with no interruptions ♡Solo time for you two is rare but when the moment comes Welt has it all elaborately planned

Luka ♡Luka is ecstatic to have a lover ♡He is so focused on fighting that he almost forgot about a relationship ♡You showing up to one of his fights one day changed that ♡Seeing you in the crowd ignited the spark inside of him and he knew he had to win so he could talk to you after ♡He is not cocky but he's sure of himself ♡Conversation between you two flows effortlessly and your energy levels match up ♡He spends a lot of time training so he likes to have you there whether you are also active or just there for him ♡He considers you his lucky charm, as long as you are there he can’t lose ♡It makes him feel so loved that you are there after every fight to clean him up and give him affection ♡The care you show him is returned to you as Luka makes sure he is there for you no matter what keeping you happy

Sampo ♡Sampo did not have faith that you would stay ♡With his line of work, he couldn’t imagine anyone would actually want to stay by his side and love him ♡But he loves you and he wasn’t going anywhere ♡He likes to bring you gifts (most of which are stolen) ♡He has never been in a relationship before and is unsure of how to approach it ♡But he is a good lover and makes sure your needs are met ♡Sampo makes sure he spends time with you, that you feel loved and safe, and that no matter what happens he doesn’t go to jail ♡Before you jail just meant being behind bars and dealing with the guards ♡Now it means being away from his light and that is not an option ♡He still lives life on the edge but he does so having his love standing with him every step of the way

Author's Note: There are a few characters I left out (Adventurine, Gallagher, etc) if you would like a post with any other characters just send me an ask and I will get right on it! Also, if anyone would like a post with the women of HSR I would love to write that as well! <3<3

[mylifestylearedilfs]

⇢ ˗ˏˋ cillian murphy x f!reader ࿐ྂ

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ A GIRL LIKE YOU : fluff ; age gap ; imagine

, , ,

_________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐ CILLIAN MURPHY was loved by the whole world. everyone wanted to have a chance to just talk to him or more. on social media people made fan accounts about him, doing edits, gifs etc. but cillian used his phone only for calls, texts etc. so he was clueless about things that his fans were making about his characters or just him. murphy loved acting it makes him feel alive, but he didn’t like being super popular, it definitely confused him even if he is in this career almost all life.

because of this he wasn’t a fan of dating, of course he was once in marriage, and he has two sons, but it wasn’t it. he loved his ex-wife, but they weren’t meant for each other, and it was fine. he wasn’t in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship with his wife, their divorce wasn’t because of the fault of anybody. they just weren’t a match, but they are still good friends, maybe because of their children but also because cillian knew that he always could come to her when he needs help, and she could do the same.

but dating in his age wasn’t a good idea. he was forty-seven with two almost adult sons, and he was divorced. nobody wants a man like him to serious relationship, maybe some casual sexual acquaintances but nothing else. also all women he used to ‘date’ were aware about his career and almost always wanted to get him because of his fame. it was exhausting, and sometimes he wanted to be a normal guy without all of this popularity.

people saying that love is everywhere, but could it be in the small cafeteria? as you can see, cillian wasn’t a fan of showing himself in a place where you can meet a lot of people, so when it comes to drink a good coffee and eat a dessert he wouldn’t choose a starbucks but a small café on the outskirts. it was a quaint place, established by a young woman in her late twenties. cafeteria doesn’t even have the google site, maybe that was a reason why the only customer there was an old lady who comes there everyday just to have someone to talk to.

so when cillian enter the café the owner was in shock but smiled at him wondering if he would stay in there more than a few minutes. well, she was aware that her shop wasn’t popular at all, but she didn’t care. this place has been always her dream and she made it come true. she was happy that this old lady named ophelia was her regular customer because she had someone to talk during the shift.

���hello, are you ready to order?” the woman asked with a smile on her face. at this moment, in the background, ‘have you ever loved someone’ by the vocaleers starts playing.

“one americano please” cillian smiled at her as she nodded.

“do you want brownie with this coffee? i just made some, it still hot”

“sure, why not” he said, and she just smiled happily at him, thanking him for an order. cillian sat at the corner and looked at her. she was doing his coffee quietly singing words of song and do a little dance to this. he couldn’t understand how she could be so positive when her business weren’t the most successful, but there she was enjoying her job.

, , ,

cillian started to come to this café every day, maybe for this delicious desserts or maybe for this kind owner. let’s be honest, he came for both. murphy cannot understand how he found a person who was just like him. she didn’t use social media and wasn’t a big fan of movies where she could see cillian, so she didn’t know that he was a famous actor. she treated him just like an average person, and he was grateful for that.

it felt good when you weren’t treating like an animal in zoo but like a human. she makes him feel better about himself. and her new hobby was showing cillian the world that she knows and loves. maybe she wasn’t the person with an eventful life, she wasn’t a celebrity who was doing interviews every day. but that makes her special in his eyes.

with her positivity she made his days better, he missed days of doing nothing but talking about world, dreams or other stuff that his exes didn’t like talking about. she was a perfect woman in his eyes.

maybe he wasn’t that old to dating again?

, , ,

⇢ ˗ˏˋ thank you for attention! and im sorry for any mistakes.

[thecurrator]

𝐎𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐮𝐩 𝐟𝐨𝐫 @daemonwritesstuff: Nagi Seishiro!

Compatability: ████████▒▒ 80%

Nagi is fine with just about anyone as long as they don't hurt his friends, so he'd have no problem getting along with you! Your first meeting with him might have been awkward as first, but once you got comfortable with him, he couldn't get you to leave him alone. That's how he makes most of his friends anyway. An extrovert just comes along and decides to adopt him.

He finds your confidence, good humor and chaotic energy admirable since those are the traits he lacks. He also likes how you're straightforward, as he isn't good at picking up social cues and finds communication much easier when people just say what they mean to him (ahem, his miscommunication with Reo). He never gets offended at your nonchalance and bluntness since he shares those traits of yours. Your habit of being able to talk for hours when you're comfortable works just fine for him as he isn't the type of person to say much. Even though he might not react often to your rambling, know that he listens to every word.

It's great for him, having a dad friend around because he does not take care of himself at all. Having you around to provide him (and anyone else you both are hanging out with) with the essentials for the activity you're doing is so convenient (and it stops Reo from buying new ones because he didn't think to bring them). The amount of times you provided him with sunscreen before walking around town or going to beach and saved him from sunburn cannot be counted with two hands. He takes to calling you "lifesaver".

Nagi tends to be quiet and clingy when hanging out with people he really likes, so he kind of ends up being your support dog? In a way? He keeps you from getting too deep and philosophical (and making yourself sad in the process) when you're left on your own for too long, draped over your lap like an oversized, sleepy cat and redirecting the topic of whatever you're rambling to him about.

He finds your tendency to text with kaomojis and emoticons cute. He finds really expressive texting cute in general. The most he'll do is :x sometimes, but maybe your habit will rub off on him over time and he'll start using :/ and :0 too. Revolutional.

He doesn't think much about your ability to pick up new skills easily, but others find it infuriating. His friends will begin to lump you in with him as geniuses. Expect them to start bugging you to join them in fun and casual or even more official competitions. You could get good at the activity with some practise, but watch Nagi trip and hit all the pins with a bowling ball on his first try. Whether you're envious or impressed is up to you.

History is his favourite subject, so he shares that interest with you! It's one of the few things he'll actually talk to you about. He also likes your stuffed toys since they're nice to touch and cuddle. If he ever visits an arcade, he'll try and win some cute stuffed toys or puppets he thinks you might like.

Your cooking/baking hobby is another thing that's good for him because he'd simply eat jellies everyday if it weren't for people placing nutritionally balanced meals meant to be chewed in front of him. There's no guarantee he'll finish what you make as he finds chewing a pain sometimes, but he is more likely to do so since you're the one that made it instead of someone he doesn't know.

GAMING! This guy is the gamer in blue lock, perhaps tied only with Hiori. He's probably played all sorts of games and is more than happy to play them with you. He likes rhythmn, rpg and gatcha games the most. If you're the type to play games late into the night though, don't expect him to join you. He loves his sleep.

He shares your love for manga too! Another thing he'll actually talk to you about, especially if it's a series you both like. But even if he's never heard about some of the things you've read, he'll listen to you talk about it. He doesn't mind spoilers, and he's unlikely to check most of them out. But he'll take your recommendation if you say he will like this one. He'll try it out and get back to you.

Physical touch is this guy's love language too! He's often draping himself over you or leaning his head on your shoulder so the weight of standing isn't so tiring. He's fine with receiving hugs from you, but beware, he'll trap you in his arms and force you to carry some of his weight. He's like a perpetually sleepy panda.

When you're dressed in your "IDGAF" outfits, you both look right at home with each other. But when you're in your crazy outfits, you both look hilarious side by side. The more elaborate your outfit, the funnier his hoodie and baggy pants look next to you. When you're dressed in your goth outfits, you both look like visual parallels. White and black. It's rather fitting.

[httpknjoon]

“JIN CROSSED HIS ARMS” This is what i’ve been reduced to trying to read their body language because we have nothing and so much at the same time all these theories and 😭😭😭😭 - just read the Y/N qs 2! She learned the piano and how to knit that’s so cute omg

question for both:

“ What do you think of all the articles written of yourselves? for jin, going out with people and having rumours begin straight away? and for y/n having assumptions about why she’s on a break? do you try not to think about it or deal with it by, for example writing?”

Thank you! 🖤

we have nothing and so much at the same time

note | 😭😭 oh, anon. sometimes I do leave something in their body language, so I guess you'll get something there 💀 anyway, thank you so much for sending questions! ❤️

main masterlist | drabble series

"It's a bummer, really." Jin laughed. "But I think it's part of being a public figure. Everything that we will do will be watched and judged by everyone around us. People, particularly the media, don't care about privacy."

"The articles that were written about us are often exaggerated and supported by unreliable sources. It sucks because the media loves to make everything an issue. It honestly makes socializing or even making new friends hard. Also, we have to be careful about who to approach. You tell someone one thing and the next thing you know, you have a rumor going around everywhere. It's hard to trust people in this industry." he laughed again, shaking his head.

"It can be suffocating but I just got used to it really. I try to go on with my life casually. I know I cannot stop these news sites to make these articles about me and all I can do is probably do whatever I'm doing. And if the gossip starts to affect my personal life, I'll gladly do something to at least lessen the damage."

"Oh, man. I'm tired of them. They have been around ever since I was a kid." you scoffed, rolling your eyes. "I was fifteen when I had my first pregnancy rumor from a teen magazine and it affected me a lot before. So, when the pregnancy gossip came after I announced my break, I don't really care anymore."

"People can think whatever they want to think. Especially since I didn't leave any reason why I took a hiatus. It was unexpected, I'm aware." you laughed.

"But it's fine. I don't really think about the assumptions anymore. Sometimes, it can ruin a good day for me. But I just deal with it by doing my hobbies. I shift my attention to something else that would make me calm and happy."

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[rivetgoth]

I worry this is going to be taken very rudely and I do not mean for it to be but I think one issue that happens to people who are more or less exclusively socialized on the Internet is an inability to converse with people beyond shared interests. Meeting people through shared interests is the most natural thing in the world, like I would go as far as to say it’s one of the best ways to forge relationships as adults (hobby groups, fandom conventions, music scenes, clubs, sports, etc) because it guarantees a very easy vantage point for conversing and getting to know each other because you have at least one shared interest that very likely in some way or another proliferates into other aspects of your life and values. But what I’ve noticed time and time again is that lots of people on the Internet form relationships exclusively through shared interest and then they just... don’t try to foster anything beyond that. I think there are a lot of reasons for this that partly include the fact that many people who are primarily socializing online are very insecure and have struggled to develop many interpersonal social skills, sometimes for reasons completely outside of their control (mental health, bullying/social ostracization, trauma, being closeted in a small town, etc- all reasons you would no doubt be socially stunted and turn to the Internet for your main source of social interaction), and it’s much, much easier to forge relationships that are based on something external that you enjoy, perhaps even that functions as a form of escapism, without ever having to reflect or open up or share anything deeper or help your friend with anything deeper. Those are all much more difficult interpersonal skills, and unfortunately another social issue symptomatic of the Internet is that unlike in a real life community where you cannot just block or start ignoring somebody, online you can typically just unfollow someone and move on if you begin to feel some sort of distance developing between you and them, never really being forced to deal with the effect of ending a friendship.

PLEASE understand that I know very well that interest-based socializing is something that is very very common in neurodivergent people and I am not trying to demonize or talk negatively of the idea of forging relationships through shared interest or even that being a major crux of a relationship. I am speaking largely from intimate experience here as someone who grew up with very few real life friends in a very conservative area with a whole plethora of mental health issues that kept me isolated from almost all of my IRL peers and turned fully to Internet friendships and fandom for support, and I made some incredible and literally life saving friends this way. But at the same time, firsthand I experienced on both sides the loss of friends due to changing fandoms/interests, and even that in and of itself isn’t really a bad thing, I’d say it’s super normal to have more casual friendships (and even more intense ones!) that dwindle with time and as both people grow and change and move on to new interests. But where this becomes detrimental to social development is when people become unable to keep friends on account of being absolutely unable to talk to them about anything beyond “interests” and treat people as almost disposable because of it. Like, instead of recognizing someone as a fully developed human being they are a tool to talk about things you like and there is never an attempt at progressing beyond that point... And, at worst, attempts that ARE made get shot down and trivialized. It’s very easy to start to view someone as a close friend purely because they are on the same wavelength as you about an interest, and whenever you talk about that interest you click very comfortably, but on the Internet a lot of the time you don’t really see that person at their worst, you don’t have to sacrifice time for them, you don’t have to come to each other during your most difficult moments, you can just keep coming to them when you’re excited about your interests and go back and forth for a bit and feel like you have a satisfying friendship without really ever putting any work into it because you’re really only doing the easy part that in real life would be considered the earliest of “get to know you” phases.

I think a lot of the problems that arise online with interpersonal drama and relationship issues are kinda connected to this too, like the times when interpersonal fallouts lead to really accusatory callouts claiming abuse, often on the claim that the other person was emotionally abusive for frankly nebulous reasons that derive largely from a failure to communicate. Claims of friendships involving “emotional labor” and just the general misuse of the idea of emotional labor being applied to interpersonal relationships. Insistence of “small talk” being some toxic empty thing that’s forced onto ND people instead of comprehending a lot of the time that it functions as social lubricant for people who have just met (which often is not needed in fandom spaces because you can go straight to “screaming about ships/characters/etc”), and conversely the whole “traumadumping” thing where people don’t really understand the appropriate time or place to share deeply personal TMI things because that is not something they are in the practice of doing. Idk. Obviously there are a lot of revolving parts to this and AGAIN I am not trying to give anyone flack for being neurodivergent or otherwise struggling to socialize, but this isn’t about following conventional norms and “you have to act a certain way or you’re a bad person,” it’s like, about recognizing people as fully autonomous humans and learning to expand your relationship with them beyond basic interests and developing social skills that often get further stunted by socializing exclusively online because otherwise what happens is you end up coming across like you are using people to get your kicks by talking about your favorite things and then turning around and discarding them when the going gets tough and deeper connections have to be forged. Idk.

[emeritus-fuckers]

For the match-up event:

Your identity

I am a nonbinary (possibly bigender?) bisexual. My pronouns are she/her and he/him, though I prefer she/her pronouns. I identify more with the female experience, as that’s how I was raised. I think gender norms are stupid, so I embraced the gender spectrum with open arms!

Who do you like? (pick from Ghouls, Humans, Papas, Repugnant, or everyone)

I like Ghouls, Humans, and the Papas. If I had to choose from the three, I’d choose the Papas.

What do you look like?

At just five feet tall I’m a bit short, and I’m also chunky, I’d say pear-shaped. My hair is a little past my ears, and I recently dyed it black so I could dress as Terzo for Halloween. My taste in style is a bit eclectic, but 90% of my wardrobe is casual. I would love to add more gothic or pastel attire to my wardrobe.

Your personality? 

I’d say I am a pretty chill person, but I think part of that is because I’m used to constant internal panic. I have also been described as very kind, giving, considerate, outgoing, and chatty. While I like being nice, I don’t like being used, so I have firm boundaries. Whenever someone tries pushing my boundaries, I get frustrated and stern, but if they keep pushing I get pissed. Sometimes I have a short fuse and lose my cool, but I always feel like shit after.

Your interests? (What do you do in your free time? What are your hobbies? Your passions? Your music taste?)

In my free time I like to hang out with my friends, play video games, and listen to music. My favorite music genres are heavy metal, hard rock, and alternative. My favorite game is Dead by Daylight, but I also like playing Destiny 2, Rocket League, and Stardew Valley. Some of my hobbies are watching movies, reading fanfics, and learning about new things. I am passionate about film and psychology, and I hope to use both of them by one day working in the film industry.

Trivia time! (Here you can include everything that didn't fit in the previous category!)

I like to explore new places and try new things, even if it may seem a bit strange at first. I think it’s good to get out of your comfort zone every once in a while! I especially love exploring the natural world, and learning more about what exists around us. On a completely different note, I love haunted houses! The set design is so cool to me, and I’d love to work at one.

This post is part of the 1000 followers match up event. Entries for the event are now closed.

Your match is…Papa Emeritus IV

Copia is happy to travel and explore places with you. While you two are on tour, when he gets any free time, you sneek off to explore.

He is surprisingly chilled in a haunted house (you went to go see one while on tour), he did grow up in the Ministry after all. He is more surprised and shocked at how the other people in the tour group react to rats. He cannot understand why they all scream and run. He goes over and picks the rat up and starts saying how adorable he is. He adopts this rat and calls it Casper.

He loves films!!! Absolutly loves them so he is so happy to have someone who shares his passion. You set aside one evening a week (more if you can) to watch a film. You get popcorn, snuggle together under a duvet and watch the film. Copia will put his arm around your shoulders and hold you close to him.

He will do anything he can to support your career in the film industry.

Copia would never use you, not ever. He admires how you have firm boundaries, he is learning to have them as other people have tried to take advantage of his good nature. As Papa it's been easier for him and you can help him and give him advice.

However when it comes to you, if anyone upsets you/tries to use you, Copia is immediatly there to support you, no longer the shy Cardinal but full on Papa.

You also love to play video games together. "It's like you were made for me sì?" Copia says beaming at you while holding out the controller to you. "I am very lucky to have you amore."

~

Written by Nyx

[sword-brainrot]

soooooo requesting a matchup please! feel free to delete this if you want-

my names lulu and i go by they/she. im just over 5’3”. also wear glasses but theyre not prescription

i like reading, listening to music, playing more relaxed video games and absolutely love writing. been dabbling a little with origami, foreign languages and singing (still no good at those though ^^;)

im really quiet and have a tendency to suppress a lot of my emotions but im working on it. im super shy and anxious around people but to others it sometimes seems like im cold and aloof. when i get scared or intimidated, i usually have to grab onto something or kinda aggressively fidget with my hands

im a lot more casual with people im comfortable with. pretty affectionate and give lots of headpats to basically anyone im friends with if theyre okay with it. but im not a fan of being touched unless i give permission/ask/need comfort. im also the mom friend and very protective of people i care about. but if someone else has to be the responsible one, im giddy and a bit childish. i have a tendency to ramble a lot when im passionate about something. i tend to put others first and try my best to help them and get them to appreciate themselves but feel guilty if i get anything in return

very easily flustered. could get the smallest compliment and i will be blushing, stammering, the whole package. insecure, some self esteem issues, struggle with accepting affection

what id be want in a partner is just someone whod be accepting of me?? it sounds generic, but i just want someone whod be supportive of my gender identity and asexuality and that i can be relaxed around and just generally unashamed to be myself

that was probably too much im sorry- fine with anyone thats not a tantou/child-coded. thank you very much!

I'm terribly sorry that this took so long! Hopefully you like your match. Also it wasn't too much at all! It really helped me get a good idea of who you are and what sword would connect with you!

I Match You With...

🌸 Juzumaru Tsunetsugu 🌸

♡ Juzumaru is a pretty quiet sword but he does talk! Especially when you ask him about what he is passionate about.

♡ Because he is a religious sword, he is someone who listens more than he speaks. He is a very patient person and he will wait for you to get your thoughts together if you ever need to speak about something.

♡ You seem to be a person you likes peace and quiet from what you listed for your hobbies/interests. Juzumaru is also like that. He spends much of his day meditating.

♡ He would be the type of person who loves to spend quiet time with someone they love beside them. Either you both are doing something together or simply being in the same room.

♡ I am unsure if one of the relaxing games you like is Stardew Valley, but I can see Juzumaru falling in love with that game. It would be a cute moment where you teach him how to play and have little date nights where the both of you play together.

♡ Juzumaru also likes origami! He likes to learn making new things with the paper. However, the thing he is best at is making paper cranes. Origami date nights could also be a thing. You teach him new folds to make and he will teach you what he knows.

♡ You and Juzumaru both suppress emotions. If you end up opening up to him and sharing your heart, he will start to feel more comfortable sharing his own thoughts.

♡ Juzumaru struggles with feeling like the weight of the world is on his shoulders most of the time. He is one of the Great Sword Under Heaven. People praise his name.

♡ But... He is also a Buddha sword. He wants people to reach enlightenment and to live happily... Yet he is also a tool to take lives.

♡ He feels like the job of turning people to the right path is ultimately on his shoulders and... he sadly cannot change everyone. He feels like he is a failure many times because of that.

♡ He is used to listening to others worries and concerns that he never considered that it was also okay for him to lean on someone else as well.

♡ You are a very supportive person and caring. Spending enough time with him will help read him better and see on the days he is struggling the most. Even if he doesn't talk to you right away, knowing you are by his side will lift the weight from his shoulders.

♡ Juzumaru wouldn't be the type to touch you without permission. He strongly stands by his beliefs in every form they were written. So if he ever wanted to touch you, even if it's to wipe something off your face, he would ask for verbal consent first.

♡ He would also ask for you to do the same for him.

♡ On the topic of touching - I headcanon Juzumaru to also be asexual. Either way, he would totally be accepting of your sexuality and gender identity. If anything, he would just ask a few questions about parts of it he does not understand so he can support you better!

Top Three Picks: Juzumaru Tsunetsugu, Hizamaru, Hacchou Nenbutsu

[amphtaminedreams]

The Fashion, the Thoughts and the Food (ARGH): 2023 Pt.1

Hiiii to anyone reading!

Isn’t this quite the surprise! A gap in posting which isn’t so vast that the context in which I framed it has had to be adapted several times since its inception! This was a 2023 part 1 post when I started and if this surfaces on the dashboard before June finishes (almost managed it!!!!) just consider me queen of organisation. I’m nearly finished with a piece of coursework on Prospect Theory and now I’m unburdened by THAT fucking torturous demand the somewhat constant sense of creativity-quashing confusion and fear is semi lifted. 

Originally, ya see, I planned to sum up the last few months with just a winter outfits post but that time went by so quickly and was such a shitshow, that when I came to reflect, it turns out I made myself presentable and did something interesting with my life on far fewer occasions than I thought. The prospect of going full 2013 lifestyle blogger and using this post as a conduit for a more general overview of the first half of the year seemed more fun and in the nature of why I started this Tumblr which was just to do fun, creative stuff, lol. Trying to build a whole post specifically on one topic and making everything neat is so silly when I’m just a silly little girl doing this silly little blog. It’s not like this messiness was ever monetizable or is intended to be. I am far too insecure to ever need to assume that there is anyone following whatever it is I’m rambling on about. All I promise to bring to the table is the enthusiasm and lack of refinement that characterised the early days of social media back when Tumblr came under the same umbrella as Bloggr, lookbook.nu, Polyvore, WeHeartIt, etc., humble little hobby platforms that were recognised as such and not as springboards for a career because they were for FUNNN not to make money. What an era! You need time, consistency, likability and a bit of self-restraint to do anything serious online and I can promise you I only have about one of these traits even on the very best days. What I mean is that whenever I’m on Tumblr or Pinterest just scrolling freely and liking and pinning and seeing what catches my eye, when it feels like I’m treating this as a casual thing, it’s a lot easier, and so I really want to push myself to just post stuff like this even if it feels irrelevant and unstructured because it doesn’t need to have relevancy or structure for me to post it. You’ve been warned!

There is 0 need to post as if you have to consider where sponsorships are going to fit or whether you’re going to piss people off en masse when you don’t have much in the way of an audience and you don’t NEED to have to have either to justify posting something online in the first place, wtf. Capitalist interests are very predictable in the sense that they can't NOT gatecrash a good party when they see it, cannot possibly avoid the urge to make everythingggg people enjoy doing feel like it needs to be packaged as part of a slick business venture but like…if the photo dump can be re-popularised (though I am kinda convinced this was a thing Instagram started themselves on the DL to distance themselves from criticism in this vein), then let’s call this Tumblr page a mind dump. A vibe vault, if you will. I know, ew. I hate myself for that one too. Plus these are less so things I’m vibing with because I don’t have adequate levels of chill  to simply "vibe" with anything anyway. Soo here are the first half of 2023’s Pathological Obsessions™, outfits, new fashunnn finds, places, media and some general sensitive thoughts.

Now let’s get into itttt.

The Fashionnnn Bit

*(if you’re here from the recovery tag maybe skip through this, use the find option and jump to the next “recovery” mention)

Starting with the fashunnn, because if there is a single kind of continuity on this blog it’s that. I’m gonna break it down into a few things. First, the designers I’ve discovered/rediscovered. Big shout out to Vogue Runway for entertaining me in that respect on the few occasions it decided to function properly.

But also!! also!! big question mark over why I can look at unlimited collections on the app but hit a paywall on the desktop site even when I’m logged in??? I’m emphasising this because I’m genuinely searching for answers here, lol, I’m not about to dish out my coins unnecessarily, not in this £1.65 for a bag of Magic Stars economy, ffs.

Back to the topic at hand though, I’ll structure the fashion section kinda like a Currently Obsessing Over post and cover a other few things as well. For starters, anybody whose style I’ve been appreciating recently-I can’t promise you I’m going to blow your mind with some obscure, undiscovered Instagram model you’ve never heard of, but I’m starting this tradition by gassing up Florence Given so I don’t think there’s gonna be much expectation of that going forward anyway, lol. Also, this section seems an appropriate place to get all the excitement out of my system about my  favourite ethical clothing store drops. I like to think of it as a redirection of the excitement that usuallllyyy results in me spending money that I am otherwise incapable of reminding myself I DO NOT HAVE. 

Lastly, the winter outfits that were the preliminary basis of this post will slot nicely in here. Let’s be real, as much as I’d like to think my using Tumblr is alllll about creativity, it’s clearly filling some kind of egotistical self-expression need too, lol. Ego hypothesis aside, though, I can confirm that I love to refer to “oooo potential for outfit post!” to justify the unnecessary Vinted and Depop purchases I make to myself whilst continuing to complain about being broke. But BOTH THINGS ARE TRUE AND IT’S NOT A CAUSAL RELATIONSHIP FFS. Yah, becoming aware that there are just as many gems on Vinted as there are on Depop did not do wonders for my savings goals, I have to say it. But it is ethical and cheap. Anyways, I’m just gonna sprinkle these outfit posts throughout the fashion section to dilute the vanity a bit.

*2023 purchases marked w/asterisk

-20th & 21st March 2023, Shoreditch->Beyond the Streets exhibition @ the Saatchi Gallery, outfit details L to R: mohair cardi from Collusion*, beret from ASOS*, faux leather blazer from NastyGal, faux fur coat underneath from Urban Outfitters, bag from ASOS, shoes from ASOS*, trousers from @niamho31 on Depop>beanie from ASOS, mini skirt from Minga*, cropped jumper from @alexnrx21 on Vinted, lace up corset top from @kyliemccabe99 on Vinted, & Doc Martens-

Currently Obsessing Over: Patou

-Top to Bottom: RTW S/S20, RTW S/S21, RTW F/W20-

I want to thank girlie Dakota Johnson for many things, one of them being introducing me to Patou (though her making Ellen publicly uncomfortable by drawing attention to the besties with everyoneeeee bullsheet takes no.1 on the achievements list).

-L->R: RTW S/S 22, RTW F/W21-

It’s what I can best describe as a combo between Simone Rocha, Brock, and Charles Jeffrey Loverboy with perhaps a touch of Erdem, slightly twee and coquettish but fresh and modern at the same time; a few of the collections have a bit of a street style vibe, and these are the ones which show Patou at its best. If you told me this was the wardrobe of an upper east side school girl growing out of her Blair Waldorf era and into her Virgil Abloh groupie phase because she decided her true passions lay in music production and used daddy’s money to buy an apartment in the gentrified Harlem, I’d believe you. Every cloud has to have some kind of silver lining, and the lack thereof when it comes to the invasion of a bunch of posh arseholes suggests there’s room for an accidentally brilliant style lovechild like this somewhere out there.

-Top to Bottom: RTW F/W23, RTW F/W22-

It was Alison Williams in a very Audrey Hepburn Patou look at the recent Met Gala that solidified, for me at least, they’ve pretty much got the monopoly on old timey socialite with 21st century polish. I assumed they were a new brand but doing a bit of Googling for this post exposed my lack of formal fashion education, lmao, because they’ve apparently been established for, like. decades, and have just been bought by LVMH who aren’t the type to take a gamble on a fledgling label. Feeling silly rn.

-RTW S/S23-

The LVMH takeover begs the question, whyyy are we not hearing more about them? I suppose Julia Fox having closed their most recent show is a sign they’re growing in influence/fattening their money pot at the very least, but in the meantime, the theme for the designers included in this post is obvs just gonna be undeservedly slept on labels lol.

-24th March 2023: hat from ASOS*, dress from UO, rollneck from charity shop, NastyGal faux fur coat from @emily170620 on Vinted-

Whatever Happened to Stella McCartney?

-Top to Bottom: RTW S/S22, Resort 2022-

Stella McCartney is one of those names everyone knows in the fashion industry but I’d say is rarely given the level of praise she deserves? Dare I say the collective sentiment is to kinda write her off as a designer condemned to 2000s irrelevancy? Is it because the association people make with the McCartney dynasty is now a brand of vegetarian sausages which aren’t even that bloody good? omggg, I can’t speak to the Linda McCartney mozzie burger but the sausages are nasty!!

-Pre-fall 2021-

Disgusting sausages aside, if we are talking the products of nepotism or powerful “connections”, some successes are more merited than others. If we can manage not to begrudge a specialist vegetarian chef her dues despite our awareness that the famous name has at least partially played a role in getting those human rights violating sausages in the freezer aisle of every Tesco, Sainsbury's and Asda near you? If we do that on the basis girly was onto a good thing by filling a necessary gap in the market? Well we OUGHT to talk more about Stella McCartney and make sure SHE gets her place in the freezer aisle next to the Carte Dior (comedy genius) too.

-clockwise L>R: Pre-fall 2017, Resort 2019, Resort 2017, RTW S/S18, RTW S/S17-

I say all this with the disclaimer that I too really fucking hate how dominated so many fields of work are by the importance of “connections” and the way that it makes pursuing a career in the things you’re actually passionate about the kind of pipe dream you relegate to the realm of those driven by delusional, childhood optimism next to the corpses of the princess and prima ballerina fantasies. I hate that if I had wanted to pursue a job in fashion or film the best I could hope for would be a decade as a coffee runner under Wes Anderson’s 2nd cousin’s son or sat in a windowless, underground LA office managing Lila Moss’ Twitter account for my entire adult life. But you know, the fruits of one’s rich and successful parent’s connections are better earned by some nepo babies than others and Stella McCartney is one of the good ones. Those M&S red diamond strawberries were not simply handed to her. Tossed maybe, which necessitates some kind of ability to catch, but not handed. 

-clockwise L>R: Resort 2020, RTW S/S20, Resort 2024-

-Top to Bottom: RTW F/W18, RTW F/W17-

You don’t end up the creative director of Chloe solely because your family has money-there might be people equally as talented as you that didn’t have that stepping stone but I’d like to believe there’s no stepping stone strong enough to explain surviving CSM, successfully maintaining the reputation of a label pretty much renowned for being the epitome of understated elegance, and opening your own fashion house on the back of that. The other nepo babies could jump on their lil rocks all they like but they just haven’t got the upper body strength to deadlift their way onto the ladder. Stella stays hitting the metaphorical weights zone whilst the rest of them stay walking on the treadmill with me in complacency Kingdom. The fact there was a time when I used to actually run on treadmills? I could not BELIEVE. We’re out of the metaphor zone now btw-probs shoulda made that one a bit clearer.

-Top to Bottom: RTW F/W19, S/S19, Pre-fall 2019-

-Clockwise L>R: RTW F/W21, Resort 2023, Pre-fall 2023, Pre-fall 2022, RTW S/S21-

For one, she stands apart from other designers in that her brand has been at the forefront of ethical fashion from its inception. She was doing sustainable fashion long before using animal byproducts like leather, faux fur and suede was frowned upon, when animal cruelty for aesthetic’s sake was thought of as a talking point mostly adopted by fringe environmentalist groups, and where any public figure being able to leverage a major fashion house into abstaining from the use of animal fur was something unthinkable. But honestly, I’m really not hyping Stella up just for that but because she genuinely has been rolling out quality collections for years now. 

-Top to Bottom, L>R: RTW S/S15, Resort 15, RTW F/W15, RTW F/W16, RTW F/W14, RTW F/W15-

-RTW F/W23-

I can see how you could stick her with the safe label but I do think there’s talent in being able to identify elements of the ephemeral, “out- there” fashion trends with actual staying power. Stella has been able to streamline those elements into something that works outside of the high fashion bubble, and looking back at the archives was a delightful browse through the volume of evidence proving that knack. I don’t know why the name doesn’t carry more prestige other than the tendency of the high fashion industry to dismiss anything that is somewhat attainable to the average person, but if consistency is enough to grant Chanel a pass to put out the sameeee thing everyyy season because it fits with the widely established image of the brand, welllll…on the other side of that coin, consistency born of a sustained, purposeful, and analytical observation of the trend cycle and a concerted effort to refine rather than regurgitate the insane amalgamation of buzz pieces that emerge from the ever growing roster of fashion weeks…that warrants way more recognition, no?

-Top to Bottom: RTW F/W22, RTW S/S23-

-3rd February 2023, Objects of Desire exhibition @ the Design Museum, Kensington: Corset & trouser co-ord from ASOS*, blouse from ASOS*, trench coat from charity shop, & Doc Martens-

-3rd March 2023: cardi from @alisi on Depop, skirt from ASOS*, beret & shoes from ASOS-

Antonio Grimaldi 

-Clockwise L>R: Haute Couture (HC) F/W23, HC S/S23, HC S/S22, HC S/S19, HC F/W22-

For all my attempts to articulate what it is I like about collections from buzzy up-and-coming avant garde designers or prestigious labels known for intellectually driven, abstract pieces, I am no better at describing why stumbling across collections from the likes of Antonio Grimaldi fill me with joy. Pretty dresses give me a serotonin boost. Imagining myself as a princess in one is good for the soul, lol. I’m team Barbie not Oppenheimer. Does that sum it up for you? And as much as I feel duped being reeled in by Vogue sponsored content, on this occasion I’ll let it go because these creations are masterful and I’d never heard of the designer before they were featured.

-Clockwise L>R: HC S/S20, HC S/S21, HC F/W21-

-8th February 2023: skirt from Urban Renewal @ UO*, cardi from Collusion-

-23rd March 2023, Mike Nelson: Extinction Beckons exhibit @ the Hayward Gallery, Southbank: top from @kissmypeach on Depop, skirt from Ebay, waistcoat from @crisishawtline on Depop, coat from charity shop, shoes as before-

Gucci Resort 2024

I wouldn’t be surprised if we’d been through an AI takeover, another pandemic, and mass flooding throughout Britain by the time I get round to doing a 2024 collections post, so for the sake of making sure I cover my most pressing high fashion related concerns (I.e my opinions on runway shows I could only ever aspire to sit back row at in my very wildest dreams let alone own anything from), I thought I’d include the Gucci Resort 2024 collection from earlier this month in this post. See my expectations of greatness have been tentative since we lost my love, Alessandro Michele, under whose reign Gucci became my absolute favourite high fashion brand-I would get genuinely excited in anticipation of his collections every time Milan fashion week came around, which really is a little bit sad when you think about how far removed I am from that sphere of existence, but ya know, as a source of styling inspiration his maximalist, extravagant and wonderfully extra take on Gucci never failed me. 

Don’t get me wrong, this collection isn’t on the level of anything Alessandro did in his last few years as creative director but I suppose that’s something that comes with the confidence granted by time at the helm and this slots neatly into his body of work as a continuation of that elevated blend of the decadent retro aesthetic with modernity. Soo it’s promising and as a stand alone collection, comparisons prohibited, I do really like it.

-13th February 2023, Making Modernism & Spain and the Hispanic World exhibitions at the Royal Academy, Piccadilly: trousers from the Ragged Priest*, corset from ASOS*, beanie from @rosiejg2 on Depop, linen shirt from ASOS*-

-16th February 2023: beanie from Primark, skirt, cardi & corset from UO*, faux leather blazer & coat underneath as before, tights from ASOS*-

Florence Given (me life? Or some style inspo anyways, forgive me the bad pun)

Look, I know she’s everyone’s fave white feminist to go in on buut she hasn’t done anything egregious enough that we can’t appreciate her style that I’m aware of, at least? She makes a lot of valid points, one of which is that we will absolutely slaughter women for doing like 1/4 of the morally questionable shit male creatives do before we cross the threshold of dismissing their work. That man probs doesn’t deviate from jeans and a t-shirt 95% of the time!!! But Florence is the besttt at the 70s bohemian rock vibe, a shining example of why I may allow it on this occasion if the next in an endless list of tik tok’s aesthetic crazes is piratecore  (or have they been there done that already?), and an aspirational figurehead for all those of us who identify as members of the more layers the better agenda. To put it delicately, regardless of your feelings about her, with the acknowledgement maybe it’s not my place to give an opinion anyway, anybody who’s wondering how you combine the nomadic romanticism of Alessandro Michele’s Gucci/Etro/Erdem/Zimmerman/Johanna Ortiz with a little bit of that YSL glamour, we owe her one for the visual manual that her Instagram feed provides. You know, take some inspo. You don’t have to credit her. Level the playing field. Isn’t that what she did? Idk lol. It’s 2020 something. Expecting completely originality from anyone is a lot to ask. All I know is that there’s no harm in more popular feminist literature even it can be seen as surface level and her style is delicious, lol.

-13th March 2023, Lao Cafe in Covent Garden: jeans from charity shop, top from ASOS*, arm warmers from UO*, coat from @shikirajaydeen on Vinted, scarf from @jools560 on Vinted, coat underneath from UO-

-31st January 2023, @ Russell Cotes Art Museum & Gallery, Bournemouth: jumper from Bershka*, skirt from @semmoore on Depop, linen shirt from @alicialouwoods on Depop, hat, shoes and tights from ASOS*-

-10th March 2023, street art in Brick Lane: dress from the Ragged Priest*, faux leather blazer as before, coat from charity shop, tights from ASOS*-

You Better Buy, Bitch (as Karl Marx probably NEVER said)

Does it probably go against my principles to make purchase recommendations? I mean, I’d say probably, but let’s be real, being able to rave about something with minimal to no influence is a perk of the act of posting, for me at least, pretty much being an act of screaming into the void.

Pre-loved Faves

Given I’ve shown a bit of a Vinted bias in my last few posts, I thought I would stick to all the lush lil pieces I found on Depop recently. They were all still available last time I checked, which was a few weeks ago, so hopefully that hasn’t changed!

Make of these (and their potentially crappy quality given the sacrifice entailed when you want to include like 32 screenshots in one image with a pixel ratio designed for Instagram posts) what you will.

Ethical? Newness: Superdry

Any fashion company that has “it’s a start” as their rating on Good on You is practically saintly in the grand scheme of things hence Superdry’s tentative placement on this list.

What I want to know is when did their stuff get actually…a bit cute? 

My adolescence took place at a time when Hollister, Jack Wills, and (this one was practically a mark of the elite, it’s exclusivity only bolstered by my head of year’s banning of those paper bags with the anonymous male’s six pack on them) Abercrombie were the height of fashion, accessible to only an exclusive few, and Supedry, whilst not quite held in that level of esteem, was also up there. I might only have been able to get a couple of Hollister sale tops but a Supedry branded T-shirt was marginally more accessible; for whatever reason, my parents tended to see their stuff as high quality investments rather than lumping it in with Hollister, Abercrombie etc. as part of a fad of the youth, lol . Anyway, the point is, I very much dismissed all those brands as crazes of a bygone era. Buuut, despite a niggling discomfort with the English owner’s seeming attempt to masquerade as a Japanese brand,  it’s come to my attention that some of Superdry’s stuff (and actually, Hollister too) is a…bit of me? To be more specific, they do these retro style print sundresses which I have on my Karma wish list, my fondness for which is definitely in part attributable to their resemblance to Lana Del Rey’s early stage outfits. ARGH, her performing songs from the UV album in those psychedelic mini dresses were a cultural moment which still crosses my mind on the daily.

On top of that, their clothes fall within the upper regions of the high street’s price range which means they’re the kind of one-off pieces that are going to stay in your wardrobe for a long time and not end up in the fast fashion doom spiral that’s filtered through the local charity shops straight into a landfill 50% of the time.

The Ragged Priest

The latest drop I…girlies if I wasn’t BROKE already, this collection would be taking me there. I’ve gone on about my love for TRP ad nauseam already so I don’t think I need to add much more here.

Arcana Archive

Arcana Archive is an online Japanese clothing store which acts as a platform for small, independent designers to sell their stuff. It ships worldwide and despite a relatively more expensive price mark (I’m talking in comparison to a site like ASOS which operates on a similar business model), the pieces are really unique and quite experimental within the confines of current trends. But yeah, you really can’t get much more ethical than buying an independently designed piece and Arcana Archive cuts out the uncertainty by facilitating that through a streamlined medium.

Regal Rose

Behold their absolutely STUNNING new collection. I am sooooOooo obsessed with every jewellery line they put out. They have, quite simply, perfected the delicate to dominatrix vibe ratio lol, and have the most unique and show stopping collections of statement jewellery out there by a mile. 

Very Important Face Paint

1. Tarte Shape Tape

Look, nothing is every going to be able to fully erase these dark circles. I got into a space where I was okay with them because they looked hot on Bella Hadid, lmao, but as much as I don’t want to be influenced by whichever TikTok aesthetic we’ve deemed “of the moment”, this whole clean girl thing got me pretty much back in that “would under eye fillers really be thaaaat bad?” headspace. What is a clean girl? Why does the Pinterest tag look like a white supremacist’s inspo board for the creation of a master race? I’m overrrrr the back and forth on how WOMEN’S FACES, like our GENETICALLY DETERMINED FEATURES, should look to be “on trend”! Holy shitttt, like I’m sorry that tinted moisturiser isn’t going to cover up a break out on my chin but we are not blank canvasses to be used as ad billboards for skincare products. I’m not getting under eye fillers because 1. in this economy? I think the fuck not! but 2. because the concept of getting a needle under my eye bothers me to my core. I really want to try and practice what I preach in that our uniqueness is what makes us beautiful but ARGH it’s such a difficult stance to take when it comes to accepting your own insecurities. 

Soo let’s just call Tarte’s Shape Tape concealer the middle ground. I am under no illusion any concealer is going to get rid of my dark circles but anything that reduces the number of times people (usually men) feel the need to tell me I look tired is pretty much in the business of miracles. I have really tried EVERY other hyped up concealer from Touché Eclat to Charlotte Tilbury’s Magic Away concealer and this is the only one which makes a noticeable difference. It isn’t super easy to get in the UK which is the only drawback but I managed to get it on offer through QVC, as much as it pained me to do that given the deeply embedded association that exists for me between borderline sociopathic individual Lisa Rinna and the enterprise. But needs must.

2. YSL Touché Eclat Foundation

I won’t hold it against the Touché Éclat range that it was not capable of fixing my dark circles. Many greats have tried and failed and that is no mark on their greatness but a sign of my unfortunate genetics and terrible sleep schedule. And this foundation is gorgeous on every level; it truly is so smooth and glowy but simultaneously matte and blends into the skin like the milk I imagine cleopatra bathed in. IK I like a hyperbole but don’t let it be the reason you dismiss this stuff because it is goldddd.

3. Bybi Babe Balm

Truly got me feeling like a babe, this is the closest thing my dull, crusty ass skin will get to looking alive.

4. Urban Decay 24/7 Glide-on Lipliner

The only lipliner I have ever known not to bleed, and to retain its pigment for any substantial period of time. I haven’t tested it’s staying power past the 14 hour mark but I can confidently say it made it with only a slight fade to that time stamp.

5. NYX Dewy Finish Setting Spray

Very decent for the price and gives an amazing finish. The claims of its similarity to the Urban Decay setting spray is all that stands between me and further damage to my bank account because look, if I can get something slightlyy cheaper for only a slight discrepancy in quality I’ll take the L. Like all NYX products, it’s vegan and cruelty-free as well which is a personal must. 

Food…for Thought (see what I did there)

*Hi, recovery people, it starts here!

See if I do this again, ideally, there’s not going to be a whole category for food lmao. And strap in, btw. This section is 90% of this post’s mammoth word count, I reckon.

I’m thinking in future I’ll break the things I’m about to mush into one up into:

A more specific “places” category which will go beyond restaurants, I promise, and actually include other must-dos around London and anywhere else I happen to visit!

A more specific purchases/recipes/general recommendation category.

And then keeping a thoughts section separate as long as what I’m about to address continues to be relevant and helpful. I’ll expand in a sec. It’s a topic I’m disproportionately afraid of posting about considering there’s not exactly anyone hanging on my every word, lol, but still. Ideally in time, a “thoughts” section will transcend the topic of the anorexia recovery experience, if I do manage to shake my 5 remaining brain cells out of their dormancy anyway. Yeahhh, I thought I’d just drop it in there, bite the bullet and reveal that recovery is this elusive “issue” I have some thotsss on before anybody reading thinks I’m about to go on some outrageously offensive rant which ends up being the thing that DOES catapult me to online infamy and gets all excited.

This potential future post structure is more for the sake of having a more clearly defined section to broaden my recommendation horizons beyond restaurants to museums, galleries, general activities/experiences etc. But like, on this occasion my food recommendations are prefaced with some thoughts n feelings because they give a little bit of context as to why a list of restaurants is the first thing that comes to mind whenever anyone asks what’s good to do in London aside from the obvious tourist traps.

I’ve gone back and forth on posting anything about this subject a lot, kinda unnecessarily really. Like I said, I don’t have a tonne of followers, nobody that I know irl follows me (maybe like one very close friend), and so it’s not like there’s any real ramifications of whatever I do or don’t choose to post about. The perception that I’m making a declaration to some vast audience I don’t doubt is just an extension of that internalised male gaze thang which makes everything in life feel like it’s an act of solicitation for other people’s opinions based on which I decide whether or not the crushing sense of shame I constantly feel atm is warranted.

Making my first post on the anorexiarecovery Reddit (which has the cushioning of anonymity that Tumblr obvs lacks) and just how much it helped me and on a more general level, how hearing from others who have recovered from a long-standing eating disorder has helped me, is the kick up the arse I needed to finally talk about it here. If feeling like you’re “sick enough” to accept help is hard, you can imagine openly identifying  yourself as “in recovery” is even harder so please just gently let me know if you come across this on the anorexia recovery tag and there’s ways you feel I could have more sensitively addressed the issue.

Like a girlie is vulnerable, lol. I’m a whole mess, most likely even more unbearable to others than I was in the depths of anorexia. Even when you start the formal recovery process and have the intention to follow whichever course of therapy or program or treatment you’re receiving, thinking of yourself as actually in recovery and the acceptance of everything that comes with that, rather than seeing treatment as a means of learning how to maintain your control and your weight and basically, your anorexia, in a slightly less dangerous and mentally exhausting way, takes fucking ages. I hate being out of control. Hate it, hate it, hateeee it. And I know I know. Anorexia is more about control than about the food itself so that is probably an unnecessary addendum. But it’s a cliche for a reason, lol.

Saying traight up that you’re in recovery and identifying with other people who are feels like a very permanent thing and a huge change to your life as you know it. It’s solidifying that there is no going back now, allowing your body to do all the things with the acceptance that this is a process you cannot control, and that you can’t use anorexic behaviours to try and get that sense of (fake!!!) control back. When disordered eating of some kind is all you know, in my case a cycle of anorexia and binge eating that has gone on for as long as I can recall being aware of the fact that there’s a correlation between what I eat and how my body looks, it takes time to accept that recovery could represent anything but a fucking unbearable and embarrassing existence. I’m not the happiest with where I’m at in recovery right now but being willing to call what I’m doing right now that R word and affirming that this is a process of change rather than an adaptation of my mindset to a less outwardly concerning form is, from an objective perspective, really big! And I know I couldn’t have got here without being able to separate anorexia (I’m just going to shorten it to AN because it’s always felt a dramatic word for what has just been my way of life, if anyone can relate to that? lol) from myself, which happens when you can recognise that rather than everything you think is an inherent, unchangeable part of who you are being the cause, it is just something that’s been manipulated to become a fundamental element of a parasitic illness:)

This realisation has come from two different sources. Firstly, from the formal course of therapy itself (I’m doing MANTRA treatment for anyone who finds this and is in the same boat), and secondly, from spaces (I mean mostly online tbh but I have a friend or two in real life who have some experience) where others, whether still suffering from their eating disorder or fully-recovered, are voicing their own thought processes and feelings. We like to think of our thoughts as completely authentic and complex and as resulting from a reasoned conclusion, and we want to believe we do have control over our lives, so it only fees right to act in a way that aligns with these thoughts, but what you realise as you see the exact same sentiments expressed by others with AN is that a lot of the “thought” processes that fuel anorexia aren’t so uniquely yours after all. It’s one thing to be challenged about a single, isolated AN thought by someone you know pointing out that it’s not true and that it’s just the illness etc. because you can just defend its legitimacy and why you continue to act accordingly to yourself like “okay, that’s not rational and maybe sometimessss that’s a baseless, anorexia driven false belief but it’s different for me, this isn’t irrational. It’s true. I know this because I came to this conclusion myself and so in my case what I believe will happen if I don’t do X/Y/Z will actually happen”. The cognitive symptoms sound and look and adopt the same ways of thinking that you believe to be an inherent part of who you are. If you are a rigid, routine-oriented, stubborn, all-or-nothing, obsessive (reading the list of traits identified as signalling increased risk of developing AN was a bit of a self-roast I can’t lie) perfectionist then congratulations! You won’t notice anything out of the ordinary when those “thoughts” run through your head and you certainly will not think for one minute that they are textbook mental manifestations of an illness masquerading as your internal monologue. But maybe you will when you see just how routinely they appear as part of a more extensive, specific set of “thoughts” described by people who have also been diagnosed with AN. Big oh shit!!!! moment when you feel a little bit of the special snowflake armour melting away. 

The sense of vulnerability which descends upon the realisation you can’t trust your own thoughts, not knowing which of the responses that come into your head where you’re put into a challenging food-related scenario is the AN one, the “wise”/recovery mind (I.e the truth), and which one is the most “you” and honours YOUR well-being in all of this, feels like presenting yourself to Simon Cowell on the X Factor stage circa 2007, at its peak popularity. Ya got the whole of the UK watching, Simon looks you up and down, and says “it’s a no from me”, and then him, Louis and Sharon all start bickering about whether or not he was too harsh and whether Louis is being too generous by affirming your star potential. Essentially, it feels like throwing yourself to the sharks with no clue which one is being honest about how tasty you are. Enough metaphors?

Basically, eating disorder recovery of any kind involves mediating between a LOT of internal voices who guide you with dramatically varying levels of empathy and none of them agree. Throw experience of binge eating into the mix and the “go on, you knowwwww you’ll feel better if you do eat X, Y and Z” sentiment that characterises your impulses and how similar that can sound to the things you’re taught in recovery about how to listen to your body and practice kindness to yourself ANDDDD then what is most likely the AN voice which draws on all that societal shaming we do of women having “too much” of an appetite and it’s just, FUUUUUCK. It is so FUCKING. EXHAUSTING to constantly have to distinguish one from the other. I never realised how exhausting it would be. It has really turned me into a foul person to be around at times, and that is the thing I hate about all of this the most. But hearing that other people have had these thoughts, that they aren’t an objective truth of life or the only option in your case, that disentangling them becomes second nature in time, is the reassurance I’ve needed to keep me working at it. To have evidence that these thoughts are a symptom, not a inevitable product of who I am, and that they therefore won’t always feel THIS crushing gives me hope to just stick out the extra mental stress that introducing a mediator to the internal argument creates.

Sooo it feels worth describing some of these thought processes on here in case, selfishly, it connects me with other real people who have experiences of their own to share, or less selfishly, it becomes one of the many many recounts of these thoughts that somebody stumbles across which pushes them across that same threshold of like (Kylie voice) realising thingsssss. Well, you know, realising oh shit, there are alternatives to how my brain is dictating to me I must live my life lest I self-implode in an inferno of shame and self-hatred. That’s the state I personalllyyy associate with the version of myself that has tended to precede a shift back towards restriction, probably stemming from multiple sources but that the AN voice whittles down to the single variable of numbers on a scale. Realising that being trapped by the all or-nothing rules or rituals and impossible standards isn’t something you just have to accept because it’s the only viable way to live your life, that it’s just that sneaky little anorexia MF drowning out the alternatives is one of the first steps laying the foundations for a wholehearted go at recovery.

The ability to disregard the AN thoughts doesn’t stick naturally past that initial lightbulb detection moment without a constant effort to identify and reaffirm that’s all they are but with the initial realisation comes a sense of relief. Underlying that initial commitment to recovery was the visceral sensation of detachment I had once I realised just how many of what I believed to be my OWN thoughts were cognitive biases symptomatic of anorexia and the impact of its resulting malnutrition on the brain. In other words, that what I perceived as my core beliefs were mental manifestations of problems attributable to an illness, like any that we so seamlessly identify when they present as physical ailments.

The possibility that the categorisation of these thoughts as symptoms entails, that an adherence to all the rules I developed based upon them and the misery they caused me doesn’t represent the best of a bad bunch of outcomes, that the anxieties attached to these AN thoughts aren’t legitimised by facts of nature akin to whatever it is Einstein said about gravity or the laws of motion, and thus are something that can be viably challenged, is the fundamental driving force to keep at treatment. When you’re seeing everryyy other person with shock! gasp! The exact same condition feeling exactly the same, coming to the exact same conclusions in a roundabout way, you realise...ahhh, I’ve been DUPED. SCAMMED! Like I said, we can buy into something irrational by perceiving it as a truth exclusive to our unique psychological, biological, and physiological makeup, our specific self-concept; it’s natural to want to think of ourselves as unique individuals whose decisions in life result from a sensible weighting of all these factors. Nobody wants to feel like they are pre-programmed to behave in a certain way. Our sense of self-determination gives our lives meaning and that feels all the more important when our other tendencies make the experience of being alive feel a bit scary or monotonous sometimes.

It gets harder, ya know Occam’s razor and all, however, to continue to give any merit to the anecdotal logic of these beliefs when the much simpler explanation is that they’re very cut and dry AN thought patterns just subtly tailored to include some of the idiosyncrasies of your internal monologue and thought style so they’re believable enough to you as a legitimate, reasonable, self-realised philosophy sustaining your behaviours. To live abiding by the principles formed from this “reasoning” process placates that instinctive self-determination drive.

What I’m trying to say in an overly convoluted way (this is what happens when writing about psychology usually involves the suppression of any creative flair or subjectivity as is the defining feature of an undergrad essay lol) is that talking about it, resonating with the experiences of others and how their symptoms manifested, it helps. It makes all the situations you put yourself in so much less scary when the trajectory you’re on in recovery, though requiring you endure thoughts and feelings that are intensely distressing in the moment, has ultimately helped people in the exact same position you are get to a happy, healthy place in the lives:)

Realising there’s nothing essential to your survival about these thoughts, that they don’t warrant an entire section dedicated to them (and hopefully, at some point in the future, will not get from me beyond how much better off I am without them!!!), is the beginning of a process which allows you to see the world in its whole again, and there’s so many recovery stories out there to support this. I look forward to being a much less self-absorbed person in my day to day life, lol, and being capable of meaningfully engaging with the expanse of vastly more interesting issues out there, even if this means opening myself up to a little bit more of that good old existential anxiety.

Getting to the point, then, this section exists to get these thoughts off my chest but in a way that is clear enough for anyone who comes across the tag to quickly be able to identify as similar to their own, and that gets across what I’ve found helpful in challenging them. It won’t usually be prefaced with all this context, lol! I really invite suggestions from others in the approaches they’ve taken to do this as well since you need as many tools to deconstruct AN logic as you can get your hands on, and I, for one, want my own toolbox to be full to the brim. I am to be the Bob the Builder of the anti anorexia agenda if you will, lmao.

For this reason, when I’ve managed to separate an AN thought from myself and isolate it, I’ve made sure to always note it down, trap that baby in a glass like a spider, and that’s that on how to do a perfect metaphor because I KNOW SPIDERS CAN’T HURT ME AND THERE IS NO REASON TO BE AFRAID OF THEM BUT IT FEES LIKE THEY’RE TARGETING ME, OMG. Yes, turns out spiders represented an eating disorder free life all along. To describe these thought processes on their own and just make them salient to somebody who is already trying to drown them out wouldn’t necessarily be helpful so I’m only going to address or articulate a thought when I have something to challenge it with, that I’ve picked up either through MANTRA, my studies, recovery advocates, or now and again that I’ve concluded myself and found to be reassuring. I can’t promise that the latter source will be of value but they’ve been important to me and maybe will trigger somebody else to apply that same (potentially questionable) reasoning process to their own circumstances and consider that new perspective. It’s rare but once in a blue moon sometimes this silly little brain of mine does strike something not quite gold but maybe bronze or silver, takes a dip in the pool of positivity, and shuts down the AN bullsheeet all on its own. I have to take stock of these incidences somewhere, lol.

On the basis it’s still pretty early days, there’s still a lot of AN thoughts I can’t quite convince myself don’t have some legitimacy, so when/if I do address them in a post it’ll likely only be one or two at a time as follows. Whether there ends up being too many to limit to a section in these seasonal update/summary posts because I go back to my typical lackadaisical posting schedule and end up having to just do an overall progress post at some point down the line we shall see but for now, I’ll get into it:-) on today’s agenda I wanna address:

The Spectre of Shame: 

Yess, AN really be on some Mike Flanagan shit when it comes to convincing you that recovery is the catalyst for some unbearable onslaught of shame. Hinting at it, revealing flashes of if, hanging it over your head but never actually revealing it or what would be sooo fucking unbearable about this experience that there’s no available coping mechanism or approach to remedy the resulting pain. 

Fearing my recovery body and other people’s reactions has always been a big hurdle in seeking treatment in the first place. Underlying it has just been this mental cacophony of potential responses. Notably, the idea that the people you care about will forget how ill you were at some point once you achieve a healthy weight and suddenly come to resent you for being “dramatic” about the whole thing and putting them through the things you did as a result of AN. 

Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Shocker! It’s some more AN driven bullshit! And it is part of the way it sustains itself by making you afraid of throwing yourself into treatment. The truth is that the people that expressed their concern when you were sick, at first my primary motivation to give treatment a third (lol) chance, are affected by it much more they let on. Seeing you at your sickest is not the kind of thing your loved ones forget, and if anything they’re probably massively fucking relieved and grateful when they see you becoming more relaxed around food. I didn’t realise how exhausting it was for my family to watch me be completely consumed by my eating disorder because it wasn’t addressed routinely, it was only when other situational factors pushed everyone to the edge that it would all come out and I’d see how much anxiety about my health was being kept from me for the sake of not causing upset.

I get that openly choosing treatment feels a lot like walking into a crowded room of your friends, acquaintances, every last human being you’ve ever encountered, and inviting everyone there to hyper scrutinise your body. Ooo, is she gaining too quickly? Has she let herself go? Has she lost control? She’s weak. She’s sick, she has an eating disorder, but one that makes her more pathetic than us because we all want a whole ass bar of chocolate you cheeky lil bitch but why are you so SPECIAL you get to have one just because you’re sad!? 

Again, AN, I BEG of you: shut the fuckkkk up. I know rationally that I wouldn’t for a second make that inductive leap about someone else who stated they were in their recovery. If anything I would be ecstatic for them knowing how good it feels to finally give your body all those things it has been gnawing away at you to give to it for so long, to experience that freedom. Think about the environment you’re in and the people around you. The people in my life are kind, and understanding, and if I’m judging their likely reactions by all their past behaviours, they’re likely to have the same thought process as I would about someone else just chowing down all that food that is so good for the soul. If they’re not, I don’t want them in my life anyway. 

The shame comes from me and me alone. At this point, every time I do actually pay attention to what I’m craving and try and respond to that in a non-judgemental way, and accept that the absolute worst scenario in my head (omg wow weight gain, a never before witnessed human phenomenon!), I take a step backwards, and evaluate what power the actual worst case scenario consensus actually holds.

So people do think I’m greedy or weak or whatever. It’s the way I coped and still do sometimes to give myself that little serotonin boost through food, to eat every delicious thing in sight. It’s not a moral failure. Everyone has their ways of coping with strong emotions and for every way in which we give in to one self-soothing impulse, there’s some other coping mechanism we’re resisting. The idea that there is an empirically verifiable relationship between eating for joy and any kind of negative trait is a load of shite. I can’t help but think misogyny has a lotttt to do with it too. Like, can you imagine a show called Woman Vs. Food? Wolfing down everything in sight is practically celebrated when it’s a man doing it, or at the very least, just accepted as part of the male predisposition, much like a high sex drive. Horny, hungry woman=slutty slob in the eyes of society, lol.

How much/what you eat can’t inherently make you a bad person. The only adverse effect is probs that long term, it isn’t going to feel great for your body. In my case at least, I know my internal fluids be moving like Valhalla after a mad one on the carbs and salts lmao, soz if that’s tmi but nobody with anorexia said anorexia is actually glam or a B&W 2013 tumblr inspired serve in anyway. It’s 40% annoying gross body issues and 60% internalised shame, boring food thoughts, fear and the constant burden of calorie counting because who the fuck wants to be doing maths 24/7. Recovery in the long run takes a fucktonne of will power. JFC, it’s a marathon, it’s the 800m you got signed up to doing on sports day without your permission. So if you describe the internal conflict you go through with that, anybody who will still look at you choosing to eat what you ACTUALLY want at the end of the day and think that represents weakness…ridiculousness.

To stand on that stage and announce “I’m in recovery” and for that to be visible in some way or another (reminder that thinness isn’t a complete measure of sickness anywaysss!), isn’t something embarrassing. it’s a sign that it’s working and that I’ve hit the “oh my god what have I done” hurdle and actually jumped over it this time, and not been sucked back into AN. To learn to be okay with your new body, and be okay with others opinions of it off the back of that, is a part of recovery I feel I’m only just starting to be asked to think about in treatment as I enter the weight restoration zone. It’s defo revealing itself to be one of the strong walls of my AN’s lil fortress. That opinions about the way we look are important isn’t something that can be just shut down with science like those other AN “facts” are. One thing I loveee about my therapist is that she always brings the feminist perspective into it. Like, as women it’s drilled into us from the moment we’re old enough to comprehend there’s some implicit societal code that our worth is at least in part determined by the acceptability of our appearance, to the extent it feels like an inherent truth that we owe it to others to conform to beauty standards if we want to be treated with respect. Anorexia pounces on that and uses it as evidence as to why it’s not an illness, but something to be cherished, something you would be useless without. Treatment has focussed a lot on personal values and principles to aid that self/anorexia separation process so far and I think it will come in useful here too, again to break down the legitimacy of these beauty standards which reinforce AN fuelled beliefs, and tbh, are ever fucking changing anyway. Psychologically speaking, conforming to an arbitrary beauty ideal would never be a reproducible (see, it may have been some term 1 year 1 week 2 level terminology but I did get one thing out of my Research Methods modules) anyway.

I wish I wasn’t a fashion loving girlie:( I wish the phrase heroin fucking chic had never entered my verbal lexicon:( I wish I hadn’t fucking internalised the ideals of the 2013 EFFY STONEM LANA DEL REY ARTIC MONKEYS SOFT GRUNGE BRUISED KNEES SAD B&W GIF 90S AESTHETIC etc. etc. etc. Tumblr era and allowed it to mutate into the enduring ideal of what external standards would constitute my perfect self, the one that would have all her shit togetherrr and be okay. I wish it wasn’t an ideal which I still have to see reinforced every now again, when I engage with something I’m passionate about, minding my business browsing Vogue runway and seeing that YSL once a-fucking-gain seemingly came to the conclusion they’d maxed out their body diversity quota by hiring just ONE singular model who may be, like, a size 10 at a push in amongst the 30 other size 4/6 girls walking.

Maaaaybe that I feel this way, though, have such conviction about how harmful these standards are, will give me something positive to focus my energy on rather than wasting it paying any attention to these kinds of arbitrary societal ideals. We don’t have to accept that respect would be given on a shallow basis, and tbh doing what you can to fight that norm sounds a lot more fulfilling anyway. 

Anyway, I look forward to adding some proper, professional logic to what I can only summarise as that brain fart as I cover it in treatment:-)

“This is the Best it Gets”:

The biggest lie AN will tell you.

It might mimic that harsh AN tone a lil but I find it necessary to remind myself “course this isn’t your best life. FFS, everyone knows what this disorder does to people. You know of people that have died from it. The number of people that have recovered happily is huge. The outcomes for the people who have maintained their anorexia into adulthood on the other hand are BLEAK. So why are you so special that you’re the exception to the actual, EVIDENCE based rule. Anorexia is horrible and it’s shit and it IS possible to overcome it. Get a grip.”

The way you think is not the result of you having been fundamentally and irreversibly changed as a person, and does not represent an irreparable apathy towards the goals and principles that used to motivate you in life. Not to repeat myself as I’m sure I am doing here but it has been so hugely validating to hear my therapist (whether she’s just very good at her job, speaking from personal experience, or both, idk! I want to ask but I don’t know if that’s appropriate or not? Thoughts?) essentially say “I understand. This doesn’t feel like something you’re suffering from. It feels like something you are deciding to maintain, that you’re choosing thinness over the people you care about. But it is hurting you the most and why would you choose that?” MANTRA is based on the idea of several factors coming together to cultivate an AN mindset, a combination of thinking style, personality traits, values, relationship styles, experiences, and emotional disposition. Of course these factors aren’t always possible to change but you can change the way they feed into your AN and develop methods of channelling them other than through the medium of restriction, towards achieving other, more positive and fulfilling goals. You’ve always had these traits and you didn’t always need AN to get by, right?

The belief AN is a choice, not an illness you can be inherently vulnerable for,  goes hand in hand with the way eating disorders in general are misunderstood, including those that manifest in extreme obesity. You see it most with the people who will tell you to “just eat” and “why are you doing this to yourself!”. And then you feel like a fucking awful person. Why AM I doing this to myself? Look at what this is doing to people who care about me. Either I’m a fucking horrible selfish person OR I NEED this disorder to survive. I don’t think I’m the best person on the planet. But I don’t think I’m evil enough of a person to want to cause everyone pain if there was an alternative. It’s the last thing I want to do. So there must BE no alternative. This must be my only option. The result of this logic is the sense that there’s nothing beyond AN. Shame is the only thing on the other side of the coin it feels like you have no choice but to flip, it’s prospective existence a phantom in your head that you use anorexia as a shield against because it tells you it is your only defence. This is what AN does. The less you eat; the more you think about food, and the less capable you become of thinking about the bigger picture. The more rigid and black and white in your thinking you become. It’s eat nothing or eat everything, so even eating something sometimes can feel like opening floodgates. When you starve your brain of nutrients, you don’t have the cognitive recourses to think about nuance or develop solutions. Learning that was another intense lightbulb moment, and I almost physically felt things slot into place inside me, like I’d got a bit of myself back. The realisation that this, the psychological process underlying our conviction that anorexia is the be all and end all, is the ACTUAL truth, not the thought itself. That I continue like this isn’t the only way forward. That moment where I finally understood these thoughts weren’t organic, that they weren’t MINE, that they’re textbook AN biases, was really eye-opening. I just needed, still need, a little help to get the ball rolling and bring my rational voice back into the convo. 

I might not know exactly what an alternative I’m comfortable with looks like though with each practical suggestion I try and can tolerate, that becomes more fully formed. And though I can’t predict exactly what the end result of that alternative will be, what I do know is at the very least it will take away a handful of minor inconveniences. Shopping in the little girl’s section for pants for example-the PARANOIA I get when someone even glances in my direction whilst I’m doing so that they might think I’m some nonce who just enjoys perusing the kid’s undies section. No more! Your body panicking when you eat a bit more of certain types of food and either A). Sending you into a food coma, and yes, that’s WHEREVER you are and whatever you are doing, sitting in a theatre show or the cinema and even more frequently, on public transport or B). Immediately demanding you go…expel that entire whole meal right now of your own volition or find yourself empathising with Will McKenzie in that episode of the Inbetweeners where his bowels took his A-levels for him. The COLD!!! I spent far too many days this past winter trying not to cry because I was that painfully fucking freezing. The circulation issues had the skin on my knuckles cracking open when I bent my hands FFS, I was out in the customer service trenches serving people with raggedy ass plasters all over my hands, getting dirty looks from the pensioner buying his 3rd pack of JPS Superkings of the day, I-

It’s such an unglamorous disorder, and yet we still romanticise the shit out of it. Well let me tell ya. I do not feel ethereal or delicate or fragile or any of those qualities that I probably internalised as being inherent to anorexia back in those tumblr 2013 days. I feel boring and grouchy and gross and self-absorbed and incompetent. Utterly useless except as a calorie counting machine. No wonder catwalk models always had such a rep for being airheads because depleting your brain of nutrients, as has finally happened this being the longest restrictive phase I’ve experienced, truly makes you dumb AF in ways you don’t actually realise. Like stuff just goes in one ear and out the other and I have become this truly chaotic, all over the place person which is incredibly frustrating because I used to be, and want to be, someone who makes every effort to be on top of their shit with everything, always. Unfortunately, your brain just loses the capacity to hold all the information you need in the right places or evaluate anything properly and your time management gets all over the place. Your common sense disappears and you don’t make the links that keeping up with the pace of daily life (especially true in London, lol) requires. Anything that isn’t related to your AN loses its importance and without the motivation to give other commitments your full attention, the considerations you need to make to fulfill them fall through the cracks. The worst part is that people get sick of your shit because it seems like you just don’t care about them. You either feel incompetent as fuck or wonder if you’ve actually always been like this which deep down you know you haven’t because you’ve never felt such frustration at the inability to actually execute all these plans you make. I don’t want people to worry, I don’t want to go back to a hospital ever again, I don’t want to be painfully cold all the time, I sure as helllll don’t want such irregular bowel movements or hot and cold sweats, crusty ass skin or purple hands. I want to live deliciously (sorry Florence Given antis), and I WANT to be able to romanticise my life and AN doesn’t provide the content the 2010s soft grunge corner of the internet would have you believing it does. It’s just exhaustingly mundane, uncomfortable, and awkward.

The best thing I’ve noticed since committing to a regular eating schedule, to give one example of a recovery commitment, is that the constant mental chatter has significantly reduced. Sometimes no thoughts head empty is the GOAL. I do not want my brain to feel like the store I work at on a summer bank holiday once all the other supermarkets have closed. There is so little space for anything else-I gave up reading the news like 2 years ago because anything outside of the ED perspective felt trivial and that’s ridiculous. Kourtney Kardashian could scream PEOPLE ARE DYING! In my face and I’d be like yah, whatever. But to be serious, and kinder to myself, the soundtrack to the past few years of my life has seemed to ricochet between 2 defaults: a shouting match at the Queen Vic fought not by Kat Moon and…some other Eastenders character  (idk, it’s been a while since I watched, I forget the rivalries) but instead between advocates for all the different impulses and urges and rules and regulations, OR a droning, mundane static, occasionally permeated by calculations and conversions of calorie consumption to weigh gain in pounds. There is very little feeling in the anorexic experience. Pretty much just frustration, boredom and anxiety, fear of the absolute worst happening but you don’t know what that absolute worst even is and can’t really articulate exactly why it’s so terrible. Like the end of life seems to be spiralling towards me sometimes (thanks chronic anxiety and climate change and late stage capitalism heh) and I can’t get over how much FUCKING TIME I WASTE THINKING ABOUT FOOD. FOOD. There is nothing interesting about food unless we’re talking about how good it is. The best meal deals, sophisticated subject matter like that. 

My intention in articulating these thoughts is because the more of their forms you encounter, the clearer the similarities in their underlying structure becomes, and the easier it is to recognise them as symptoms. Once we know symptoms are all AN “thoughts” are, and that it’s part and parcel for the distorted reality we experience to seem like absolute truth, it gets a lot easier to have faith that acting to contravene the rigid boundaries they’ve led to us imposing isn’t going to result in catastrophe. When we have evidence that treatment for any physical illness is effective and reduces symptoms, we trust it’ll ultimately reduce them for us too even in the face of short term unpleasantness we experience as a result. So the point of verbalising these thoughts is to affirm that they are something which necessarily become less intense each time we assess and challenge them.

To wrap this section up, I really, seriously welcome feedback from anyone in recovery coming across this. Like, I hope none of it is patronising, or comes across as if I expect anyone to read and be like “thanks girlie, ya cured me!” xoxo

I want the way I explained myself to be helpful. If not, it’s just a particularly self-indulgent ramble lol. It seems necessary to articulate an unhelpful thought pattern before I get into challenging it in order to highlight how textbook it is but ofc when I name or describe the thought, I don’t want to do that in a way that enables or reinforces anybody else’s similar belief. Any suggestions if this section has done that for you are welcomed.

On top of that, it goes without saying I’m extremely privileged to have won the postcode lottery in finally getting a long-term, holistic, person-centred form of therapy. I hate to say I’ve been unlucky in the past with what I’ve received because I know some people have had no help at all, but what I’m trying to say is that it does take intensive support to overcome this not just, like, realising things. It‘s a lot easier when you have someone you know knows what they’re talking about, and whose support extends beyond the scheduled hours you have with them. The AN voice doesn’t take a day off and so much damage can be done in just a week without the recourses to challenge it. Being able to reach out to someone who uses their knowledge to validate you and relieve that extreme loneliness that comes with feeling trapped inside your own head, who treats you as a whole person who needs pointers on how to adapt the knowledge taken from scheduled sessions to the complexities of your everyday life and doesn’t fault you for not knowing already, is so essential. You need that external voice to hold you accountable in actually translating the act of challenging your thoughts into action, but one that communicates with kindness and empathy because they know that otherwise it all starts to feel a bit too similar to the tone of AN. What I wish is that there was some kind of sponsor network similar to those attached to AA/NA groups/if there already is, it was more widely known of. Of course, a professional sounding board is the best you can get but any external, motivating voice that comes in conjunction with a thorough understanding of how deeply embedded an ED is and knows how difficult it can be to challenge what feels like the core of who you are, can help. I don’t like to sugarcoat stuff, so I say all this with the addendum that you can be as picture perfect a model of a recovered anorexic as they come and still be changed forever by the period you spent consumed by it, especially if that begins at a young age when your brain is still developing. I do kind of believe the echoes of any ED will always be there, and the framework the illness puts in place in your head to maintain itself never fully crumbles. Your perspective may always be through a slightly disordered lens. But that framework will become weaker and it will become easier for the objective truth to break through and storm the gates and ultimately be victorious against what becomes a very fragile, pathetic version of the disordered voice, to make decisions based on principles of self-care and compassion. Obviously, knowing all this stuff in isolation won’t always be enough. I can identify thoughts as a product of AN, know they’re not going to get me where I want to be in the long term, but honestly don’t always have the energy to ride out the fight or flight response that going against them entails. The self-criticism and shame is still quite instinctual at this stage. I’m at the point of slowly testing what actually happens if I make small transgressions of those food rules, tolerating weight gain regardless of how uncomfortable it is, basically debunking the existence of this spectre one bar of Dairy Milk Oreo or B&J’s Baked Alaska at a time. It’s kinda like the flooding stage of phobia-specific CBT. The trick is that in the meantime, whilst you’re distracted by all these difficult feelings, your brain is well fuelled enough to redevelop the ability to think in shades of grey, and remember the things about life you loved before you gave the illness your complete unyielding devotion.

I’m hoping in time, especially as summer comes to an end, it will be easier to deal with the physical changes. I adore the sun and the heat and the beach but at this stage in recovery, I think I’ll feel more optimistic once the seasons change and bring with them the opportunity to wrap up and drape myself in layers. Like, although I’m almost within the healthy weight range now, there are moments when the (unfair and unwarranted) recognition that I no longer have the body that I was unashamed of and how that has become unattainable again fills me with self-hatred and disgust. For a second maybe, there is a rush of emotions worthy of the fear I felt at the beginning of the recovery process. To bring back the spectre, that initial full glimpse of it is sufficiently horrifying to make it tempting to reach out for the AN shield again. But the longer you share a space with that entity, the more obvious it becomes it’s just a costume. You notice the faint lines where prosthetics meet the skin and the rings around the contact lenses, and eventually it’s like seeing the lady who plays the Nun IRL on the red carpet, like witnessing a Scooby Doo unmasking, where you realise the horror is in the all the attachments and that what lies underneath it all can’t actually hurt you. These feelings aren’t a one time affair, they occur enough to make you feel really shitty and overwhelmed, but they are transient and there is a sense of freedom that comes with this being a body which doesn’t involve depriving yourself of everything you crave and the fear of all the other devastating consequences. A rush of painful emotions far supersedes death by a thousand cuts if you will, lol. There was a time when the thought of gaining even one pound was unbearable and yet here I am. So I know that I can get through these surges of distress too, and I don’t plan to set unrealistic expectations of being perfectly okay with it on myself right now. I said to myself yesterday I probably won’t wear shorts again this summer. But that’s okay for now. Any day that solidifies my commitment to resist AN is progress. This body acceptance should become easier with the luxury of a private, safe space to fully process these feelings, without any unhelpful outside influence on how I reshape my self-image. The last thing you need when you’re trying the radical self-acceptance thing is the prospect of external chatter that comes with being exposed to everyone else’s judgements too, as is the case in hot weather when you’re like, socially obligated to get ya bum out. I need that chance to be okay with my recovery body as it is rather than feeling pressure to accommodate it to others expectations, which I know I shouldn’t and once I know myself better, hopefully won't feel the need to. Being able to challenge the worst case scenario of shame and judgement from others isn’t possible if I still haven’t got to a place where my confidence and faith in the objective, non-disordered, empirically viable truth is robust enough to not give the hypothetical judgements any emotional weight, to stay neutral and detached as AN goes into overdrive trying to adjust the marker at which this unbearable, worst case scenario will occur. It doesn’t like it very much when you reach the previously established threshold, the one that was once so terrifying you couldn’t bear the thought of any kind of change pushing you towards it, and realise…oh…soOoo my world hasn’t fallen apart. Shit. And you wonder what exactly it was you were so afraid of. Still, with each revelation, whatever’s round the corner of this next threshold is still scary. It’s just that with each one you overcome you have more faith that you can muddle through it as you have before. It’s not an instinctual faith but one you have to actively search for on difficult days where you reflect on your lowest point and grieve because it was something you feel you really suffered for and LORD knowsss, we all love to romanticise tragedy. But you keep doing that over and over again and you choose to try and cope, something that takes practice, and ultimately the idea is that you won’t need faith at all, that acting against eating disordered thoughts will just make sense. The CBT-ish part, the restructuring of the cognitive framework maintaining AN into one which makes looking after yourself the easy, sensible option (I.e your new default) rather than something that’s gonna lead to eternal pain and suffering over just how grotesque it makes you, (tehe feels good girls x) can only work as it should once you’ve also had that exposure to observe how-decisions less dictated by anorexia actually turn out, as in maybe there is no earth-shattering catastrophe to follow. You need to have built up a body of evidence that the resulting scenarios are ones you can withstand. You also need to be able to perceive life in its entirety, outside of the disordered tunnel vision you’ve developed, to remind yourself, and wholly comprehend, the richness of the experiences AN steals away. That isn’t always there for everyone, which is why I want to reiterate that recovery doesn’t boil down to having “enough” strength, but about having reasons to recover too and I’m privileged in that aspect.

But anyways….flooding, a sponsor, CBT? Did I just create my own treatment programme? Much to think about. 

I don’t know how to round off such an intense section so I guess, here are some restaurant recommendations???? Which I felt compelled to include as a means of developing my budding Google reviews career (shout out to my one follower), and thennn onto some more lighthearted stuff, ya know, stand out films, TV, books etc. of the first half of the year. But maybe in future posts, assuming I continue to progress, I can start talking about some of the things I’ve gained in recovery to round up the thoughts section. It kind of sounds like a cliche that your AN tells you is bullshit that recovery is gonna improve your quality of life like of course they’re going to make this shit sound like a trip to Barbados, but just as accumulating other people’s accounts of anorexia symptoms delegitimises the truth you attribute to those symptoms, hearing the specifics of positive recovery experiences legitimises the idea that it’s something tangible. At this point I can already say I’ve got back into cooking, which I loved before my restriction got obsessive and health and balance and all that malarky was a goal of weight loss. SooOoo maybe I could share some recipes too. ANYWAY. Let’s get into my fave London eats, which I hope will also grow and evolve to include general London/travel recommendations as I regain the capacity to retain memories of experiences other than those revolving around food, lol. Unless I miraculously come into a large windfall of cash, the “travel” recommendations will most likely be limited to other UK places but on this occasion I can dip my toe into the “wAnDerrlustt” tag realm and kick things off with a few recommendations for Lisbon which I visited at the beginning of June. Having that goal of being able to write about these things in a few months time in a completely different mindset is definitively a good source of motivation. Being able to experience all these new places without the security blanket of my regular meal routines and advanced planning is scary but that spontaneity is part of what makes a trip away so exciting. Although on this occasion, being away and allowing myself to try everything I wanted didddd trigger a bit of a downwards spiral, in hindsight, that was a pretty good flooding experience and learning experience in general because like…I was bloated as fuck by the end and you know, 2 weeks later and I’m still here. Plus, all that boujie low calorie “healthy”, “high protein” food is costly!  Gym lads must be broke, honestly. If I want to do enough to justify an exPerIencES section I have to start eating like a normal human being, right? And just buy the Chicago Town pizza and the regular Ben & Jerry’s on Clubcard (as hard as Gym Kitchen pizzas, Yorkshire Prov. soups, Oppo ice cream and Halo Top Cookies & Cream/Cookie Dough flavours slap and you can’t tell me otherwise). I’ve gotta get some CULTURE and replicate the (mostly) fine dining experiences I had at these bad boys, which are my London stand outs of the last few months. 

Tavolino, London Bridge

Price Point: £15-30

Tavolino was fucking exceptional and thank god for that, because there is nothing worse than ordering a meat dish and it not feeling worth breaking the veggie streak at the end of it all. Their slow cooked lamb tagliatelle ragu was absolutely sublimeee, and so is the view, with the restaurant sat right on the Thames with the best view you can get of the City area. That’s the bit with all the skyscrapers that isn’t Canary Wharf, lol. When you’re sat with a beautiful dish of pasta in front of you and it’s all lit up, you almost forget all the moral corruption happening over there x

The service was also top tier. We had a waiter whose customer service performance was so elite you could almost believe they didn’t despise all other human beings which I feel at this point is an inevitability of working in a public facing job, lol. Like, he was super attentive but not annoyingly so to the point where you spend more time awkwardly swallowing your food as quickly as possible to feed back your enjoyment than you do actually eating it. 

My pasta was a leeetle bit on the pricier side (by my standards anyway, though relative to other London restaurants it’s one of the affordable ones, if you’re just doing mains and either a starter or dessert for instance). My pasta was probs the most expensive on the menu at about £17, discounting anything including seafood or truffle which are both icks for me anyway. I think I should take that as indication of the fact that my dream of living off the King’s Road is ill-fated, if I hadn’t worked that one out already when my card got declined in the Waitrose there when I tried to buy an own brand soup.

2. Ollie’s House, Chelsea

Price Point: £10-20

Sooo one of the absolute best things about treatment is that the clinic I go to is situated in the South Kensington/Chelsea area, which is how I came across Ollie’s House and a couple of the other faves I’ll mention. I should mention that yes, this is an NHS service, the clinic just happens to be based in Chelsea. I do not share a therapist with any Made in Chelsea cast members so no, I don’t have any wild stories about seeing Jamie Laing have a breakdown in the reception because being an heir to the owners of the UK’s bestselling biscuit company has given him pathological aversion to rich teas, or anything like that, sorry. 

-To clarify, that is a HYPOTHETICAL scenario. Jamie Laing’s family pls don’t sue me for misrepresentation, I’m a devoted fan of digestive biscuits, trust I’m a fan.-

What I do have is the location of one of the best all day brunch locations in London. Before you even get to the food, which constitutes a menu made up of Australian/Indonesian dishes (a fusion that produces reliably dreamy results and is arguably the only good thing to come out of rich Australians gentrification of that region), the interior itself of Ollie’s House is perfect. It’s spacious and airy, but also warm and inviting, full of plants and drenched in a colour palette inspired by sunset on one of Bali’s backpacker infested beaches. I should add here that I’ve never actually witnessed a Bali sunset but…a sunset is a sunset, you know. I’m gonna guess it’s the interior as a whole which gives the beach-y vibes, lol. 

Then there’s my Nasi Goreng which was ARGH. Beautiful, gorgeous, incredible. Rice for brekky, what a concept. Again, super friendly servers, which always adds to the experience.

3. The Jam, Chelsea

Price Point: £15-30

If I had to name just one of the restaurants I’ve visited in London as most worthy of the “hidden gem” title, it is The Jam, without doubt. From the outside it’s nothing flashy and it’s pretty small but the layout is everythinggg! The tables are on balconies! Like little treehouse structures! It’s adorable! I mean don’t get me wrong, you don’t HAVE to sit at one of the balcony tables if you don’t wanna climb the ladder up there (like, if you’re gonna be very thorough in your mission of trialling their very reasonably priced cocktails…perhaps…don’t?) but it’s so fun and makes you feel a little bit like a child again. It kind of does the impossible by creating an atmosphere that’s as lively as it is kitschy whilst still maintaining a sense of intimacy at each table, and general aura of sophistication. Say the food was just…decent, the novelty of the layout would make it worth a visit maybe just for the drinks, but idk, I feel like you can never be TOO disappointed by pizza ffs. What makes The Jam one of my absolute favourites, though, not of just the first half of this year but probably all time, is that the pizza is fucking heavenly and HUGE on that note. Mine was nduja, salami, and burrata and holy shit it was good. Like I am a pizza QUEEN. A good pizza outranks pretty much any other dish bar a good burger. This is up there with Crust Bros in Waterloo and this lil place called Pizza Baracca in my hometown area. This is a niche one because it’s a little family run takeaway in an area where the tourist industry is DYING (something I’m guessing the, uh, multiple recent stabbing as on the beach have a little to do with) but if by some wild and quite honestly bewildering coincidence you ARE reading this, and you have plans to broach the Dorset region over the summer, here’s your Deliveroo back up. You’re welcome. Consider them bonus recommendations xo

4. The Yorkshire Pudding Burrito Company, Kerb Market @ Camden Lock

Price Point: <£10

Look, Camden Lock in general is not what it’s hyped up to be. It is always teeming with people, seemingly regardless of when you visit. But the food on offer at the Kerb Market despite the lack of sheltered, and frequently, actually available, seating, makes it entirely worth a visit; on a warm, dry day you’ve also got the option of walking a little bit further along the canal to find somewhere quieter to eat. There’s a few Kerb street food markets dotted about London, and the South Bank one is a lot closer to me, but it truly pales in comparison. Not only does it house the Mac Factory (truly my bestie back in 2018 when I was in UCL halls and there was a branch at Euston Square station less than 100m away), but it has the Yorkshire Pudding Burrito Company which I’ve always wanted to try. That I spent SO much money on food in first year and passed the second half of it in a binge cycle and in that time, never tried one? A tragedy, lol, because it meant I’ve I spent the last few Christmasses telling myself that the ones they sell at my hometown’s Christmas market would suffice only to chicken out on that aspiration because it felt like a waste to go for the imitation when the real deal was out there. 

But recently, when I’ve travelled back up to London for therapy, I’ve been challenging myself and going through my Google maps list of all the places I bookmarked to eat whilst I was up there and couldn’t face the anxiety of at the time. My sister and I found ourselves in Camden recently for an art exhibition and on this occasion, it seemed like fate to test if it did live up to the expectations I’d formed over the years, which is a rarity. And guysss, the impossible occurred. It ACTUALLY DID. The meat was melt in your mouth tender, full of flavour, and the roasties and garlic and rosemary caramelised veg inside were exquisitely done. For it all to be wrapped in a fluffy Yorkshire pudding though like…ARGH. Otherworldly experience, truly. I know it was just that good because the lack of mint sauce didn’t bother me, and this was something which used to necessitate suppressing the urge to throw hands when I opened the fridge on a Sunday and noted it’s absence. Of all the cravings that stand in the way of going full veggie, a banging roast is one of them.

My last pro tip is that if you’re a caramelised biscuit fan, which it seems we all are atm (and I hope it’s a food trend that, much like Oreo filled/flavoured anything, salted caramel and “gold” chocolate, stands the test of time because I’m obsessed), follow up your Yorkshire Pudding Burrito company wrap with some Lotus flavoured ice cream from the Soho Ice Cream company. It is by far the most reminiscent of an actual lotus biscuit of the ones I’ve tried. There’s also a Chin Chin Dessert Club branch at the lock which is another magnificent way of tying a bow on top of what I advise you make a 3 course meal. If you want a YPBC wrap (I can’t type the whole thing out again, soz) or a Mac Factory pot but you also see something else you can’t resist trying, I say do starters too lol. You will spend more than you would at a sit down restaurant probs but look, if you’re a tourist doing the whole London thing, street food markets are an unmissable staple.

5. Badiani Gelato, various London sites (& Brighton!)

Price Point: £5-10

Anyone I spend any decent amount of time with will know I am an ice cream connoisseur. It’s a toss up with pasta for the one food I could eat forever. It is absolutely no surprise I have a list of every ice cream place I want to visit in London. I’m dedicated to the cause, whatever time of year, and no judgemental looks from McDonald’s staff for ordering a Mcflurry to go in December or tuts from the lunch lady at my secondary school for buying a Feast ice cream for lunch in sub zero temperatures has ever knocked my undying determination to satiate my yearning.

This pursuit continues to the capital and thus far, nothing has come close to Badiani gelato, another one I treated myself to for the first time after a therapy session given there’s one super close. I really can’t see anything tasting quite as good as their salted butter caramel flavour or their signature Buontalenti flavour (the Fior di Latte and white chocolate are fucking incredibleee too). Like listen, say heaven does exist. Say I don’t get to go there. There isn’t an Angel up in that cloud land who could whip up anything this ethereal tasting for God himself. Soo abandoning my disbelief in anything supernatural, if I’m allowed to stay as a ghost lurking on the King’s Road forever, I’ll be okay with that.

I’ve been enough now that I recognise some of the staff and they’re all really sweet and generous with the free samples too, lol, and there’s a cute covered patio area at the back too so you can sit in and eat. In the unlikely circumstance in which anybody with the same niche bucket list comes across this, this needs to be at the top.

6. Unity Diner, Whitechapel

Price Point: £10-25

Vegan cheese is usually pretty rough. I think most of us who eat both that and the real deal can agree. But whatever godly concoction it is Unity Diner drench their Philly Cheesesteak in is enough for them to deserve Vogue’s bestowal of the best Vegan restaurant in London award all on its own because they did the impossible: created something even more bursting with flavour than the dairy cheese on any similar dish I’ve had elsewhere.

Add to that the incredibly friendly, warm and informative service, the interior, the entirely sustainable business model and 100% cruelty free menu, and I hope this place stays open forever. If it becomes one of the long list of Veggie places in London that have shut down the last few years I will be absolutely gutted.

7. Bancone, Golden Square, Soho

Price Point: £10-25

Right off the bat, I do want to make clear that it is the Golden Square branch (not Covent Garden’s) of Bancone I’m hyping up. I’m sure this a statement that is going to absolutely devastate a restaurant which gets entirely booked up until 9pm on weekdays a fortnight in advance, lol, but yes, the former is very much in my bad books. It’s a policy which probably extends to both their branches but look, I got stung in Covent Garden so I’ll be damned if I favour that place. They charged me a £50 no show fee. FIFTY FUCKING POUND. Their most expensive pasta is probably half that price. Let me repeat myself: FIFTY. POUND. We are in a cost of living crisis here! And forgive me pls if I can’t wait for god knows how long for someone to pick up the store phone so I can try and reschedule because they don’t let you do it online if it’s not done days in advance or whatever. I was MAD mad. I sent a very strongly worded email. They did refund me but that I begrudge that I had to go pompous customer mode for that courtesy.

Moving on to the ray of sunshine, anyway, which is the Golden Square branch because I came here for a food love fest not a pile on. Yes, the silk handkerchief pasta is every bit as good as it looks and way more filling than you would think. Our waitress was also so sweet despite the fact she was stunning enough to make me reconsider the boy brow and resembled Dua Lipa. The internalised misogyny had me expecting a lil bit of snobbery and I’m mad at myself for that because I’m almost pleasantly surprised every time a pretty waitress gives good service and this is in spite of my worst service encounters being dished out by male waiters at 2 separate Big Mamma restaurants. Yes, I’m @-ing the guy at Circolo Poppolare who scoffed at one of our party for trying to order a dessert wine with her main (imagine mansplaining wine ffs), and at Gloria who stood glaring at my friend and I as we approached the midway point of what we were reminded was ONLY AN HOUR AND A HALF booking slot the second we walked through the door. He took my cacio e Pepe dish off me the minute I finished my last string of pasta COMPLETELY DISREGARDING THE BOWL OF SAUCE I STILL HAD! Sir, I am a broke student. You’re going to punish me for not being able to afford a multi-course meal by taking away the food I DID order before it’s finished. 

This is really turning into a restaurant rant section, I’m sorry, but I have a lot of feelings about food. Did I mention? I can only apologise. At least you can skim read a post, it’s the people I’ll bore to tears with this shit irl I owe the apology to, whoopsies. The next 3 are short and sweet!

8. Miscusi, Covent Garden

Price Point: £10-20

What Miscusi does really well is balance a quick and casual vibe with stand out service and incredible quality pasta which far surpasses in taste what you’d expect from how affordable it is. It kinda works a bit like Crust Bros (or Subway I guess, lol, which would ofc be worthy of a shout out if it wasn’t like, the world’s largest fast food chain. There are more of them than MDONALDS?!) that although there are preset options the main appeal is the create your own option where you get to pick the pasta, sauce and toppings. I made mine pretty much identical to the truffle vegan pesto pasta with the substitution of the truffle for good old regular sautéed mushrooms because as I’ve said, my taste isn’t that boujie, lol, and it was delicious. Can’t fault it. A perfect pasta dish tbh.

9. Chrome, St.Christopher’s Place

Price Point: £10-15

3 words: Biscoff french toast. Need I say more?

10. Patty & Bun, various sites (cheating, kinda)

Price Point: £10-15

Okay so including Patty & Bun in a London eats section even though there’s one in Brighton isn’t the part that makes it’s inclusion rogue because, like, Badiani has a Brighton branch too and I always tend to think of Brighton as London-on-sea anyway. It’s just that their Smokey Robinson burger (caramelised onions, smoky peanut butter mayo, and then I think the optional addition of chilli jam which stays improving literally any dish ever) is probs what saved me dropping out of uni for the second time at the beginning of 2nd year one night. I was sick of anorexia, sick of how hard it was making the basic organisational tasks required of my degree and sick of the imposter syndrome that came with that. I did what I had to do: flaked on the night at Ministry of Sound I’d organised with friends, stuck on a horror, and ordered myself a burger and fries. I knew reverting to 13 year old Lauren’s coping mechanisms wouldn’t do wonders for my mood in the morning but I also knew that this fuck everything and drop out impulse was just a result of a build up of emotions, culminating in a minor panic attack and that I would be able to think more clearly in the clear light of day, lol. So yeah I can overlook Patty & Bun being a food experience occurring outside of the 2023 window. IT SAVED MY DEGREE. And plus, it’s the only burger I’ve had which rivals the Bournemouth special from Central Story-again, another niche recommendation but it’s blasphemy to talk about burgers without name dropping this place. Both make an unbeatable case for why peanut butter elevates everything. Idk what it is but it truly takes a burger to the next level. And wilder still is HOW its the inclusion of BISCOFF SPREAD in the Bournemouth special that makes it magical!? Can’t explain that one because it sounds like a monstrosity but trust me, it’s mind blowing. I could do an “according to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should fly. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible” Barry B Benson style monologue on the matter if anyone wants to challenge my statement on that fact. Like I appreciate that according to all accepted culinary boundaries, this crossover, I.e  lotus, beef, cheese, onions, BBQ and chilli, should be inedible. But whoever the chef at Central Story is, they decided to go where most chefs wouldn’t dare tread and made something gorgeous. A true pioneer. It sounds so rogue but oh, feels SO right.

Now, to go international...

Lisbon, Portugal

I am aware that talking about an entire city as if it’s a cafe you could pop to one afternoon is very much giving Americans talking about going to “Europe” (sans further specification) energy but I only went for a few days and I feel like there’s soooOOo much there, we barely skimmed the surface; a “top things to do” list doesn’t feel warranted! I would LOVE to go back at some point in the near future to give it the rundown it deserves. It gets called the San Francisco of Europe, not that I knew that before, but now having been I resent it because the comparison does Lisbon a complete disservice. I see why the association is made; both are hilly cities with tram systems being the dominant means of transportation, and are situated on a waterfront. They also share near identical bridges. Again, I never knew but Lisbon has a near replica of SF’s Golden Gate landmark. Lisbon’s is smaller but built first by the same people responsible for the Golden Gate Bridge because Portugal’s dictator at the time found out about the plans for the SF version and demanded one too. Dickhead, diva behaviour. But shout out to the Uber driver turned tour guide who told us that.

Having spent the same amount of time in San Francisco 5/6 years ago, though, I prefer Lisbon! It just has more spirit-I know that’s kind of an abstract concept to define but I suppose it has less of the typical American city sheen, where as shiny and new and exciting as everything is, a lot of it seems cold and impersonal, and you know there’s always some pocket of poverty just around the corner that’s been pushed out of sight for the sake of maintaining this image. Lisbon feels more organic and laid back and has a cool, unexpected balance of trendy, hipster-y (I don’t know what other word to use, lol, but I don’t mean hipster in the negative sense as it’s generally used nowadays) areas and eateries, street art and brunch cafes GALORE, as well as older, more traditional streets and architecture teeming with history and the vibrant energy of the local community. Last but not least, let me tell you something about Lisbon: they love a pastry. You’ll find pastelerias, source of the most delicious crossaints known to man, on most streets. Anywhere which counts sweet carbs as constituting a crucial part of the culture is somewhere I’m more than happy to be.

NOW. Seeing as I can’t dedicate a whole section to recommending Cadbury’s Twisted chocolate buttons or Magnum Billionaire ice cream, I’d better move onto the next thing-I don’t think I can quite justify raving about food purchases you can make at your local Asda. So tell your internal monologue to put its best Robbie Williams hat on because this next section has the working title of:

Let MeeeEeE EnterTAIN YOU!

 Let’s talk about my fave distractions of this year:-)

Podcasts

I used to be a music girlie but now all I do is listen to podcasts. I feel very out of touch and uncool because I literally have no fucking idea what’s playing on the radio anymore hence why the prospect of going clubbing nowadays feels like a nightmare, but idk I just feel like I’ve never been someone who’s been engaged by music on its own and when I’m studying new content I find it hard to digest wordy stuff with pounding music. I do want to try and listen to music again but gotta find some way to incorporate it into my routine because I feel like such a fucking grandma at the ripe age of 24. Anyway, for podcasts, here are a few of my faves, ignoring the fact that I’m going outside the box of this post because it was supposed to be confined to things I’ve gotten into this year. It’s my first one though, allow me a little flexibility in this regard. There’s a lotttt of recommendations I must make.

Katherine Ryan’s Telling Everybody Everything: is everything Katherine’s husband says undercover tory coded? Yes. Am I almost certain he’s the kind of guy who admires Elon Musk on the DL? Yes. But I adore Katherine Ryan and could listen to her talk all day. I rarely disagree with her and it is a breath of fresh air to have someone who voices things that do depart slightly from the occasionally frustratingly rigid, moralistic stance of the people I follow. Don’t get me wrong, I agree with the online left’s consensus 90% of the time but I do hate how SERIOUSLY everything is taken and the pile-ons that result from an acknowledgedly uninformed, passing comment on an issue, and also the shaming that comes from being interested in something which giving attention to is deemed to contravene interests of that political stance. This is how we talk irl. Your friends don’t accuse you of being a morally defunct person because you have a simplistic or admittedly problematic view on some things. I feel like it’s possible to feel ways we know we shouldn’t and that we know rationally don’t align with our general philosophies and as long as it’s not anything prejudice driven, as long as those convos happen with the adage that we KNOW these opinions are a bit fucked, it shouldn’t be a criminal act to lightly discuss them in a setting free of consequence. I also kind of agree with her stance on comedy, in that there shouldn’t be anything off limits. Ofc, if there’s a pattern of someone making harmful and punch down kind of jokes, criticise them as much as you want. Don’t talk about them! Don’t make them a topic of conversation and bolster their audience! But if we start drawing a hard fast line between what’s punishable and earns an industry blackballing then comedy becomes completely predictable and that element of unpredictability is what makes it entertaining.

Stephanie Harlowe & Derek Lavasser’s Crime Weekly: I mean an interest in true crime may be exactly what I’m referring to when I talk about interests that contravene your expressed political stance because I see a lot of the people I follow online, who are pretty much as far as I know entirely left leaning, disapprove. But morbid curiosity is a human thing and Stephanie Harlowe, both on her podcast and YouTube channel always does it with the best intentions; the ridiculously extensive amount of research she does show an unparalleled level of commitment and intention to do justice (seriously, they have cases they spend about 6 or 7 hour and half episodes on), and even on the most infamous of cases you are bound to come away with a tonne of knowledge of the case that you were unaware was even out there.  I also love the dynamic between her and Derek Lavasser, whose presence is a crucial element of what makes this a standout podcast given his actual first hand experience of investigating cases. I think the best podcasts are those that feel like sitting in on a conversation with friends regardless of how serious the topic is and in Crime Weekly, they always manage to uphold that vibe. Stephanie is very opinionated and I know a lot of people might disagree with that and think we should take a neutral stance when discussing true crime but honestly, if I wanted to do that, I’d read a Wiki page. This is how we talk about things irl. We give our opinions, we have feelings, we relate it to our anecdotal experiences-as long as the line between opinion and fact is clear and respect for the victims is maintained then I don’t see the problem.

Red Handed: I love Suruthi and Hannah. I want to be one of their best mates, lol. Pls girlies, let me be your friend. Again, I know there are probably people out there who would be firmly against any kind of true crime content which has a lighthearted tone but I genuinely do feel like all the laughs come from the dynamic between these two and never at the cost of the victims involved in the cases they’re discussing.

Sounds like a Cult: I loved Amanda Montell’s book Cultish and this is again a podcast where the dynamic between the girls is what separates them from all the other podcasts of a similar nature. I do want to know about current events and the serious stuff that’s going on in the world but there is only so much existential dread a person can take without a bit of levity framing it; Amanda and Isa take a serious subject matter and apply it to something which at face value sounds trivial but results in some genuinely interesting discussions about just how pathological our appreciation of certain fads and individuals truly is.

Books

How to Kill Your Family, Bella Mackie: So technicallyyy, this is kinda cheating again because I read this last summer, lol, but I continue to recommend it above and beyond any book I’ve read in the meantime because it truly is the perfect novel. It’s Gone Girl dark subject matter but in snappy magazine columnist format and that is a feat of genre fusion rivalling the Indonesian Australian blended brunch. 

Boy Parts, Eliza Clark: an actual recent read, and the first knock out of a book I’ve read since How to Kill Your Family. Like, the narrator is a disgustingly awful human being, to the extent that has put me off reading books from the perspective of individuals who meet similar levels of awful in the past (for example, I could never quite get into Lolita). In this, though, it adds to the compulsion to keep going. It’s probs because she is awful in a way that never requires a suspension of disbelief, the kind of way I feel like we glorify in everyday life on a lesser scale, and so the satirical element feels very relevant. At the same time, it’s not so heavy on the satire that some of the left turns the narrative takes and how twisted things become is without impact. I’d say it’s a bit like the book equivalent of watching a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episode where the women are at their most unhinged but with a more sinister undercurrent, like everything that takes place is referred to as if it’s an mildly scandalous everyday occurrence when in actuality it’s disturbing AF. Imagine watching back the episode where Brandi Glanville yells “at least I don’t do crystal meth in the bathroom all night, bitch” at Kim Richards with the foresight that not only was she on crystal meth but like, her and Kyle were actually in there carving up a body or something. All the dark stuff is woven into the protagonist’s co-occurring everyday mundanities that very accurately capture the worst parts of the mindset and social values of the present and the devastating realisation is like...it all fits, lol.

Television

House M.D (2004-2012): My brain cannot compute that Gregory House and Hugh Laurie are the same person. That thing people always say about standout performances “they brought the character to life”? Hugh DID THAT. He SERVED. His performance alone is arguably enough to make House a great show. But other than that, it’s the perfect blend of drama and levity and almost every series main with only a handful of exceptions is a character you truly want to see flourish. Plus, I love me a 40 min show; an episode of House flies by and I would say there are only about 2/3 throughout the 7 seasons I’ve watched so far I haven’t enjoyed, all of which were a bit too conceptual for my liking. Also can I just say? Wilson and House, one of the most engaging TV duos of all time. For them and them alone, I will condone the use of a word that is in all other circumstances cringe to me, to grant their relationship the title of the GOAT on-screen bromance. 

The Missing (2014-2016):  I do love a good Brit mystery drama, I do.

Search Party (2016-2022): so watchable, so ridiculous, funny as fuck, but also addictive.

Yellowjackets (2021-): A perfect show, truly. And I’ve just got to say...Christina Ricci’s Misty fills the Mona Vanderwaal shaped void in my life that Pretty Little Liars ending created.

Succession (2018-2023): Succession must be one of those shows that’s really annoying if you don’t watch it/tried watching it and weren’t a fan because anybody who does watch it never seems to shut the fuck up about it. But like, chill out, it’s ended now, and I feel like it did so in a way that was satisfying enough that we can put it to bed and appreciate it on reflection like a nice piece of art every now and again, lol. After Game of Thrones, the ending of which left me raging for a solid few months, I think we all breathe a sigh of relief at this point when a really hyped up show ends in a way that actually feels correct, and doesn’t violate everything we’ve been told about the characters right up until that moment. 

Also...with Succession ending, I realllllly hope we can firmly put a lid on the idea of stealth wealth dressing or whatever you wanna call it because I don’t give a fuck if the clothes are expensive, they’re bland, I’m SORRY:( I don’t like subtle, if that isn’t obvious from the Alessandro Michele appreciation, lmao.

Black Mirror, Joan is Awful, 6x01 (2023): Okay so the fact I like, just watched this before writing this post would suggest it would be better placed in 2023 part 2 but I don’t want to acknowledge the horrifyingly fast passing of time so I gotta talk about it now while it’s fresh on my mind. Because what a delight!!! Apart from the movie that came out a few years ago and one or two episodes, Black Mirror hasn’t blown me away in a while. This was like, classic Black Mirror for me. Like left me with an appropriate level of dread so as not to trigger a complete existential crisis but enough to make me physically shudder. It was also, off the top of my head based on foggy memories of past episodes, the funniest episode to date. I never knew Salma Hayek had such great comedic timing and I feel bad for that. I owe her way more appreciation.

The Trashy Stuff..

Married at First Sight: I have never ploughed through reality TV like I have Australian MAFS. I started watching it with my mum and was so incapable of waiting til she was free to watch the season we were on I started simultaneously watching the previous season on my own. We haven’t even finished that season together yet but my solo venture sees me 3 seasons deep at this point. The dinner parties, man! I can’t look away. So much second hand embarrassment, awkwardness and tension that manages to permeate its way through the TV screen and yet despite getting my fill of that in day to day life, I consume that shit like I do carbohydrates in a binge episode, lmao. I won’t deny it probably falls within the vein of exploitative trash TV but you know what, it’s in an exploitative trash TV league of its own and if I go another 10 years down the line without being bothered to go on a date because I GENUINELY FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO TIME!! Sign me up. Producers exploit TF out of me. Give me the awkward recluse who just does not have the energy for the shit that interaction with a solid 60% of men entails edit if you want, though the driven career woman who is just above them all works too xoxo I’ll make the same argument I make about Big Brother and say that I genuinely do think there’s at least a pat of me which enjoys it from the psychological perspective, like putting humans in high-stakes unknown territory has our common pathologies spilling out allll over the place to observe in the bright light of day/the TV’s fluorescence but yes, ofc my engagement with it goes beyond educational purposes. It must be a known fact that I love watching some toxic individuals because it came highly recommended to me; whilst it shouldn’t be a good thing if my friends think it’s on brand for me, I’ll take that hit to any illusions I have of my refinement if’s what brought this show into my life. 

Love Island: It’s in a similar vein to MAFs, but look, I have no shame in admitting that there are some summer days where knowing LI is airing later in the day is all that keeps me going. I need structure in my life. Time is a human construct but ITV2′s programme schedule is NOT and if this show airing at 9pm every night is all that’s set in stone I’ll take it. No speak of guilty pleasures here. Straight up pleasure. It’s trash, it’s staged, it’s shallow, blah blah blah, but it’s in this brief period when the annual summer season airs I feel a sense of NATIONAL UNITY that, for once, doesn’t stem from something a little too closely aligned with things you’d see or hear at an EDL rally. England is really lacking in things to feel patriotic about that don’t have some kind of murky colonialist past, lmao.  So SUE ME. It’s giving judgemental. If you want to miss out on the top tier comedy going on this far this season (best cast in years I thinkkk) then that’s your loss. 

Film

Maybe mentioning some of my fave movies in this post issss taking a slight shortcut by removing the need to include them in my eventual film list buuut anyways idk, I love going to the cinema and a post like this would feel compete without naming a few standouts. For the sake of emulating a film ranking post, assume all these would fall under God tier:

Barbarian, dir. Zach Cregger (2022): A bit of a creature feature and a wild ride from start to finish. Definitely has the qualities of a modern classic horror, relatively simple narrative but definitely layered and open to interpretation if that’s your kinda thing.

M3gan, dir. Gerard Johnstone (2022): I could definitely get a roasting for including M3gan on this list and by implication, that it warrants a God Tier ranking but like 1). I’ve gone on for sooOOo long now that I doubt anybody who has got to this point has the brain power left to process this controversial stance and 2). even if this does register, I am willing to die on the hill of it being a perfect movie anyways. There’s probably plot holes, nonsensical writing and bad acting galore, but if there was I didn’t notice it because I was having a WHALE of a time. Sign me up to rewatch this at the cinema over a night out any day. Hear me out…it’s all the issues and psychology debates about artificial intelligence and the singularity and attachment theory and the dark stuff that might entail, yes, on what is probably a very, very shallow level, a massively take on all that stuff I’m sure many will argue but okay, nerd!!!! Live a little! It’s of the moment! Isn’t horror supposed to take that thing we’re all really afraid and exploit the fact that we know, like, next to nothing about the science of it all to paint some utterly ridiculous worst case scenario!? For whatever reason I can think of 0 examples of this right now, but I’m sure there’s some smart video essays out there about it that will explain it in an intellectual, less indignant way, lol. Like maybe I’m just amalgamating a bunch of unrelated facts in my mind here and coming out with some bullshit false statement but I’m suuuure I have read/seen/watched a video about how the vampire craze within horror has some kind of origin in tuberculosis panic hundreds of years ago. Don’t quote me on that! The only thing I’m sure on here, that I take zero issue with being quoted on, in which I have no qualms saying, is that M3gan was WILD!! ICONIC!!! It’s Chucky for the Elon Musk girlbossgaslightgatekeep era. Giving campy halloween classic. I'm standing my ground on this one.

Bodies, Bodies, Bodies, dir. Halina Reijn (2022): Imagine Bodies, Bodies, Bodies being your English language debut and still managing to capture the most annoying aspects of the speech patterns we’ve (and when I say we, I mean American and English youth, and yes, I include myself in that lol) developed this well. Uncanny. Even more impressively is how Halina Reijn is able to set the scene to communicate that very particular chaotic energy that hangs in the air when you put a bunch of intoxicated people with a messy group dynamic in a room together. The kind that unifies a startup company’s christmas do for their employees with a teenage house party. Like everyone’s kind of wild and throwing their weight around and letting off steam. The suffocating weight of the school/office/retail/what-have-you environment is lifted and at first the mood is electric and people who usually can’t stand each other are laughing together, getting on like a house on fire. But you KNOWW, you just know, someone’s gonna unleash some uncomfortable truth at any second, pull it back like an arrow back through the bow, fire it straight into the target and send half the room feral. Halina brought that dangerous kind of excitement to the screen in a way I don’t think any other director has managed in recent years, besides perhaps Gaspar Noé with Climax, but this was a lot more fun. It isn’t quiteeee on the same level but Bodies, Bodies, Bodies does the same kinda thing that the first Scream movie did in the 90s in making a film that is equal parts horror to Pandora’s Box for this moment in history, putting all the worst traits of our collective psyche in the...spotlight? Strobe light? Glowstick light? It’s glowsticks that were all over the ad campaign, right? She even got the Y2K aesthetic craze nailed down there, didn’t she.

 •Scream VI, dir(s). Tyler Gillett & Matt Bettinelli-Olpin (2023): 

That segue, honestly. The stuff of legend.

Admittedly, I didn’t make the Scream/Bodies, Bodies, Bodies comparison just for that purpose. But it does round off the post in a very satisfying way so I’ll pat myself on the back for it regardless. 

Speaking of legends...see, clunky when intentional...

I have to, of course, gas up this year’s Scream. Howwww there’s been soOoo many at this point and how they continue to be wonderful yet consistently on brand, when the brand in question could so easily go stale, is a marvel. It’s probably the franchise that got me into horror (or maybe Final Destination, it’s a toss-up) and if I’d watched something like the Insidious series first I don’t know if I’d be the horror fan I am today, possibly deprived of my beloved genre. Like I started watching them back when I still believed in ghosts and I was super sensitive to high levels of what they tend to categorise as “threat” or “suspense” which seems to be code for supernatural stuff. Now I’m a non-believer (lol) I love the supernatural stuff just as much when there’s a good story but I will always, and clearly have always, loved a good slasher, especially with a sense of humour. Scream is truly the prototype for that. It never misses. 

Plus, side note, I love that they gave Sidney closure. It shows confident writing, which again is something the films always deliver on. Similarly, the casting of Jenna Ortega and Melissa Barrera as the series’ new protagonists makes perfect sense; a new Scream is an instalment that never disappoints.

Much like...this post? 

Let’s just pretend that was an intentionally awful segue for the sake of continuity and not me having no idea how to tie a bow on this fucking ESSAY from me. Whoops.

But yeah!!

I guess that covers it all! She says after a post that supersedes the word count of your average dissertation, which is probably the crux of why I struggle with academic essay writing, lol. I love a waffle, cannot help myself. It’s a need that would ordinarily be satisfied through the medium of creative fiction writing but until I finish coursework anything requiring deep and meaningful thought is out of the question. One can only hope I don’t completely flop my degree and that by summer 2024, posts of this nature will be significantly shorter. In the meantime though, I do have a couple of photo dominated posts planned, including finally posting what we’ll call a master post of all the FW22 shows I didn’t finish covering, as well as SS23 which are actually of relevance to balance out the notion that it’s just a content dump (which it essentially is but idk, we all love a good runway photo set). Blame Tumblr’s stance on the female nipple which means fashion week posts are always delayed because I have to go back and photoshop out all the tatas. As welll as that I have an outfit post planned which is one of my faves I’ve everrrr done and basically another “sitting front row at” thang. 

And to anybody who comes across this post on the recovery tag and reads that section, please don’t hesitate to inbox me. In fact, I’d love it if you did, regardless of whether or not it extends to anything beyond that. Like I said as well, constructive criticism is much appreciated, though I love hearing people’s recovery stories too. To anyone who identified with my ramble and is struggling too, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I’m sorry it likely feels as if no one understand. I do and lots of people do and even if it’s not fully fledged formal treatment there are recourses out there. Suggestions in that regards are very encouraged!

But yeah! In summary, love & hugs to all!:D

Lauren xx

[losthomunculus]

Online Safety Relevant to the Current State of the Internet

On twitter I made a tweet about how online safety lessons in school can be very out of touch but that the advice of people who are familiar with the current internet shouldn't be disregarded. So here's my informal collection of online safety tips

Sources: unrestricted internet access since elementary school (not recommended), being a formerly involuntarily home bound person for several years that amassed way too much online experience

This could possibly hold upsetting reminders to people who had bad experiences online including mentions of grooming and emotional manipulation so please proceed with caution!

Information Sharing

Make an online pseudonym for public profiles and websites.

Don’t feel like you have to list everything about you for the world to see.

Sometimes it’s not a question of “can this information be used to locate and identify me irl?”, but simply “do I want this information publicly available and linked to my online persona?”

Unlike offline, being online leaves a constant trail of who you were accessible at all times. People are constantly growing and changing. Try to limit the information you share so you can ditch that trail and start over if need be.

Sharing information with people you make friends with and trust is a judgement call on your part, but always be on the safe side and be protective of your information.

Start as cautious as possible with online safety. Any risks or judgement calls can come later when you are 1. aware of the risks, 2. ready to address them if they occur, and 3. have gathered plenty of information instead of doing something blindly and hoping for the best.

Do not share your triggers publicly, they can very easily be used against you. Instead use websites with a large amount of filtering options to curate your online experience. If you are going to share them, only do it privately with people you trust.

Importance of Boundaries

It doesn’t matter how mature you are, don’t enter age limited spaces you don’t qualify for. It’s disrespectful to the boundaries of the people who made that space. Boundaries like this exist for the comfort of both sides involved.

Just because you can “handle it” doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Desensitization is not something to brag about.

Venting or making r18 posts as a minor on a public account is VERY dangerous. Intense emotional vulnerability is something manipulators will look for as a way to get to you. The same with sexual jokes to develop your comfort talking about those topics casually and eventually escalating the situation. If you are going to talk about such things please keep that in private conversations with people you trust in your age group.

Note the difference between public and private online space. Tweeting something on a public account is not the same as having a conversation in the cafeteria with your friends.

If an adult tries talking to you about r18, run the other way. Doesn’t matter how cool you are, it says something weird about THEM if they’re willing to talk to a minor about that stuff.

If someone( like 3+ years, honestly depends on how old you are) older than you wouldn't be comfortable saying what they're saying to you in front of other people (like a teacher or guardian), that's suspicious as hell. Run in the other direction.

The younger you are, the more age gaps matter. There's a bigger difference in development between a 13 year old and a 17 year old than there is between a 20 year old and a 24 year old. It helps to try to contextualize it with real people instead of numbers. Instead of thinking "oh just 4 years? that's not that weird" consider "oh. that would be like a freshman (13/14) dating a senior (17/18). yikes."

Be just as wary of people your own age talking about things that make you uncomfortable. Just like irl, sometimes you’ll meet people your age that are hurtful.

Friends complain to each other and talk about their issues, that alone is fine. But when people are doing it without permission, draw a line. When people are making it feel like you’re responsible for maintaining their mental health, you need to draw a line. When it starts to effect your mental health, PLEASE DRAW A LINE! I know it feels like your responsibility sometimes, but it’s not. You cannot be there for others if you’re not taking care of yourself first and foremost.

Don’t be afraid to block people. Even for petty reasons. It’s good to block people. Don’t force yourself to see stuff you don’t want to see.

Being Constantly Online

The 24 hour news cycle is not a good thing to follow 24/7. Taking social responsibility is a good thing, but your brain is NOT built to worry about every issue in the world at once. One strategy I use for staying sane is I try to only check the news once a day, and if something needs more attention to set aside an amount of time I’m going to focus on it before I need to take time to step back.

Touch grass. Not literally, unless you can in which case I highly suggest it, sometimes it’s just good to lay in a field. What I mean is you need to dedicate a good portion of your time to being offline (sleep does not count). What your offline time looks like is going to differ depending on your level of ability, but even if you are house bound it’s important to build some hobbies that don’t rely on the internet. Talking to people offline is also a good goal if possible, even just to your housemates.

Social etiquette greatly differs online and offline and sometimes the reminder that were all just Some People gets lost behind the numbers and the fabricated personas. Keep in mind the difference in how information is shared without forgetting that the fact we are all people remains the same.

Be generous with your etiquette. You will avoid a lot of stress if you conduct yourself with the same politeness you would have in an offline interaction. Master the art of "minding your own business" for your own sake.

Arguments and Competition

As soon as you can, you need to internalize the fact that leaving an argument is not losing.

It is inevitable you will be exposed to many people who disagree with you. Some people only want to argue to rile you up. Sometimes that’s not their intention, but it’s what they’re doing. You do not have to remain in conversation with people, especially if they’re not interested in actually coming to an understanding. Even if they are interested, sometimes they just suck!! Leave!! You can leave!!

On that note, sometimes you are going to get valid criticism and it’s going to hurt. That is part of learning. If someone says you messed up and did something hurtful, take a second to step back from your defensiveness and consider: intent ≠ effect. Apologize, repair what you can, and move forward with the ability to do better in the future. You’re going to mess up every once in awhile, it’s inevitable.

To summarize the past two points: don't waste your time on unnecessary hostility but don't close yourself into an echo chamber either. Debates should be about learning.

Sometimes people are not going to like you. This happens offline too but people tend to be a lot more blunt online. Sometimes people dislike you for no reason or for really petty reasons. That’s not your problem, move on.

Don’t actively seek out people you don’t like or who don’t like you to argue with. Whether or not your side is the “right side” doesn’t matter, it’s going to cause you so much unnecessary stress. Feel free to keep posting your opinions on your own profile but don’t seek out unnecessary conflict.

This is a different type of competition than previously mentioned, but be aware of the danger of comparing yourself to other people. Especially if you’re a creative or student, DO NOT GET SWEPT UP IN THE GRIND CULTURE. It’s more subtle in some places than others, but anytime you see the notion that you should be working yourself to the bone be VERY critical. Also be critical of any online cultures (such as gaming and art communities) that brag about unhealthy habits or act like it’s ~part of the culture~ (ex: all nighters, not taking breaks, getting hurt. Any activity that neglects health to work toward a goal).

Not just grind culture, any community of subculture that shares anti recovery sentiments is a huge red flag. Even if they're joking, it's not worth the risk of internalizing those statements.

Everyone’s social media presence is to some degree doctored because it’s a purposefully selected collection of what they allow you to see. It’s fine to like the persona you see being displayed, but never forget that it is not reflective of the entire person. Everyone online is JUST SOME PERSON. Do not forget that and start holding yourself to a standard you can’t even see every side of.

By posting online you are opening yourself to criticism. Whether or not it’s justified can vary, but either way it’s going to happen. Mute stuff, go private, disable comments, etc if you need to.

Misc Tidbits

these are technically just general info that is also good for offline but I have seen things that make me think people online need the extra reminder.

Learn what cults are, how they recruit, and what they do to their members. I'm not kidding. This is particularly relevant at the moment because of current societal unrest and widespread loneliness. No one is immune to cult propaganda, and not every cult is based on pre established religion or family. Many exist ONLINE and are able to manipulate people without ever meeting face to face. (learn more: Loneliness as a Pandemic: The Dangers of Online Cult

Familiarize yourself with the concept of pseudoscience. Please familiarize yourself with the concept of pseudoscience and then learn how to identify pseudoscience. (learn more: Karl Popper, Science, & Pseudoscience: Crash Course Philosophy #8)

Q. How do I know if a source is reliable?

Final Thoughts

It's important people of ALL ages learn these lessons, because the internet is constantly changing and we are all vulnerable when in the presence of other people.

Be cautious and stay safe

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Chapter 13 - New Rules, New Moves

Kisara changed into more casual clothes just as she always did whenever she knew some fighting would be involved, mainly, a pair of fashionable and slightly large high-waisted black pants, a cute crop top and her kitsune-patterned haori, with the katana attached ever-permanently at her hip. She instructed Ohma to go outside and train, while she goes to scout around the ballroom and get some food for him when she's done listening to Katahara's announcement.

As soon as she got there, she spotted Agito, of all people, chatting rather friendly with Naoya and Himuro. She couldn't help but chuckle and step over to them, finding out that they were talking about Ultraman and Zetton, the boss monster Okubo compared Agito to. But it seems like the Fang really is out of this world, for he knows just about nothing about real life.

"Agito, do you not know about video games at all?" Kisara asked, getting in front of him, next to the other MMA fighter. "What are those?" that genuine question made both the girl and Naoya gasp in disdain. "How can you not know of video games?!" they yelled in unison, as he simply shrugged. "Kisara, we must teach him about video games, some day! And soon!" she nodded vigorously, their arms crossed over their chest, as if they meant business. "If you don't know about video games... Does it mean that you're not familiar with most of the things that happen outside of Katahara's circle and general fighting?" the stupefying answer was an affirmative nod of his head. "I never needed anything else but to get stronger and protect the Chairman." what a heartbreaking life. "But would you like to experience and see the world with your own eyes, someday?" came the red head's question. "I don't know." he replied simply. "For as long as Chairman Katahara needs me, I cannot leave my spot by his side." it was a shattering explanation, but it made a lot of sense. "I understand... You're very loyal to the Chairman. I can see all the people who work for him trust and respect him a lot." she realised. "Man, but what a sad life. You need a hobby. Next thing, you'll tell us you never watched a movie before!" but the answer was negative. "That's, by far, the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life." Naoya's head was spinning, hearing the Fang being so unaware of the world outside. "Wait, hold up. Hatsumi Senpai said he was a candidate for the spot of The Fang when he was younger. I think 20 years ago, which means you weren't The Fang 20 years ago... And 20 years ago you must have still been a child, or at least, not an adult yet, so that means you weren't as indispensable to Katahara as you are now. So... What about your youth? Have you done nothing fun, or picked a hobby before that time?" Kisara pointed out, remembering the horror with which Hatsumi explained the time he went to Katahara's home after being personally picked as The Fang candidate, but got bored in about two days. "I don't remember much of my childhood, but Chairman Katahara took me in and gave me a proper education from a younger age. I guess I never thought about anything else." he was pretty unbothered by not having knowledge of the fun activities. "Alright, alright, I understand. Well - If you ever want to go travel the world, hit me up. After this tournament is over, I'm planning to go on a complete world tour." she smiled friendly at him. "Thank you for the invitation." he spoke, as formal as ever. "Naoya. Himuro. Better teach Agito about video games and movies in the meantime." the girl gave them a thumbs up, and they gave her a mock military salute, as they started showing various video games on their phones. In a way, she wanted to spend a bit more time with them - Although clueless, Agito was a nice person, and with Naoya and Himuro there, the conversation wasn't awkward in the least - Damn, extroverted, social people. On the other hand, she spotted both Gaolang and Kaneda there, having a jovial chat, and whilst she wanted to congratulate the Thai on his outstanding performance, and hopefully, convince him to teach her a few Muay Thai moves, and hype up the smaller one for inspiring people to get better and better.

"Hey, you guys, how are you after having such a fantastic match?" the girl held a large, encouraging grin on her face. "Ah... Hahaa... Miss Kisara, don't tease me, that was anything but fantastic. Gaolang beat me up without even sweating." Kaneda stuck his tongue out like an awkward little kitten. "No, no, don't say that, you were completely inspirational! If I had heard you four years ago, I'd have started crying. I really needed to hear something like that, and I think more people were moved by your words." she praised the man who grinned shyly. "You're embarrassing me, Miss Kisara, but thank you. I just... Said what I've been feeling my entire life. I was born with a weak body, and during my childhood, I've suffered tons of diseases and surgeries. Ha... I don't really like speaking about it, it's not a manly thing, admitting to your weaknesses... But the point of it all is striving to get better and stronger every day." the man with fox eyes explained, watching the girl nod her head in approval. "Yes, exactly! Four years ago, my Senpai told me the same thing. Four years ago, I was living off of coffee and a light meal per day, buried deep into studying medicine. I was tired all the time, physically, mentally, emotionally, and I always felt so weak and good for nothing. I then got introduced in this whole kengan mess, and my friend introduced me to my senpai, who taught me what it means to be strong and reach out for your dreams." Kaneda's eyes opened, beaming at the girl with wonder and awe - He had actually managed to inspire someone to become better! His heart was swelling with pride! "That's right, Kaneda, you were a true warrior in the battlefield. You, as well as your fighting style and wit, were admirable." Gaolang agreed to the praise given to his opponent. "Enough, you two, you are embarrassing me..." he chuckled, waving his hand dismissively at the two. "I was wondering... You two... Since tomorrow is a free day... But it be okay to ask you to teach me some of your simpler moves?" the girl asked, smiling a bit timidly, seeing as they were looking at her with wide eyes of surprise and mouth slightly agape. "There's a lot of things I can't do, because I don't have the body built for all this... And I'll never have it, anyway. I couldn't possibly become a pro-wrestler or grappler or brawler, you know? Aside for aikido, I don't think there's anything that I can really do, that would put me on an equal line with all of you, guys. But I've been training for four years now, and I've been picking up different moves from different styles, and I've been adapting them to my own capabilities. I want to get better for myself, so that if anything ever happens, there's no doubt I'll get out of whatever predicament I'm thrown into... And I really enjoyed your fight. And I want to start being able to do elbow and knee hits too." she grinned sheepishly, earning a hum of amusement from the Thai. "It would be my honor to teach you, Miss Kisara! Let's meet up tomorrow and practice together, yes? I think it would do you some good for your next match, yes, Gaolang?" Kaneda looked up with glee at the boxer. "Yes, that sounds good. I will need good practice against the strongest man in the underground. He's a worthy foe indeed." he spared a glance towards Agito, who was looking into Naoya's phone, still as confused as before. "I must win, for His Highness..." though Kisara had no time to thank them, for the biggest child in the world appeared like an obnoxious jump-scare out of thin air and wrapped his arms around the two fighters. "GAOLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!! KANEDA SUEKICHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! THAT FIRGHT WAS SO AWESOOOOOOOOOME!!! I WAS SOOOOOOOOO MOOOOOOOOOOOVED!!!" his scream resounded through the hall room, and whilst Kisara couldn't help but cringe from the ear pain, she knew Kaneda and Gaolang were doing much worse, probably even ruptured eardrums. "Damn. He found me." the Thai grumbled, exasperated. From a little behind, Sayaka cheered happily for Saw Paing, for finding his friend, and another man that sported beautiful red hair just like the fox girl's, and a long side plait that complimented the one Sayaka wore on the other side, put his jacket over her shoulders. He must be Retsudo, Katahara's child that was in charge of the bodyguards or whatever, as Gaolang pointed out. It was the first time she saw him, but he was as beautiful as his sister, despite how different they looked.

As if on cue, Katahara's face appeared on the large screen, booming his announcement with the same jovial voice as always. "Hello, everybody~♪ Are we having fun? You've all been a delight today. Now, I know this is sudden, but I'd like to announce an additional rule. Also, this video is being broadcast across the island. It would be, how you say, 'unfair' if you had information that people who didn't attend the party didn't have." the whole place was mumbling around, flustered at the idea of an additional rule. "Okay, here it goes~♪ From the second round on, you are allowed to substitute your fighter no more than once. You are free to select anyone, so long as you have their consent. The substitution can be made right up until the match begins, so give it a good think. That's all, bye-bye~♪!" the man chirped as the screen closed and everyone was left chattering amongst themselves. What an awful rule. People can scout from the winners, from the losers, from anything, anyone and whatever. Those CEOs out there might need to keep their fighters safe... And vice-versa.

"Stay safe, you guys, and I'll be seeing you tomorrow." with a smile and a peace sign, Kisara went to get a tray and put lots of food on it, before turning to leave the party and go into the forest.  Her mind was on Ohma and how people would try to scout him for being so strong. 

As soon as she found her way around to wherever Ohma was, she saw he was already pretty tired and sweating, and in front of him, a huge boulder had  pretty large craters made by his punches. They were still steaming from the impact. That's remarkable, Kisara thought, as she whistled to the man, who turned around, a frown on his face. "Hey, pretty boy, lookin' good~❤️!" the girl smiled at him, sitting on the ground and urging him to come over and eat. "Not now. Hold up a second. I'm still pissed off at how fuckin' pathetic I was, letting that greased up asshole provoke me into attacking him. Nikos' ghost showed up too and threw me the hell off. I thought that all I wanted was to kill Setsuna... So why did I challenge that son of a bitch? I don't get it... If this keeps up, I'll never..." he kept trailing on, his fists clenched in anger. "You challenged him because, as you told Setsuna, and me, and Yamashita and Kaede... You want to prove to all those arrogant bitches that it's YOU who's the strongest out there. Setsuna doesn't matter, he's just another pawn in the long run. You probably won't even get to fight him in the tournament. But if you end up winning this whole thing, that means you've already defeated him, by default, yes?" she tried to calm him down, but just as she explained that, the man turned around, his eyes wide with shock - His gaze was fixed towards a certain point into the horizon, and he started speaking by himself. Was he seeing Niko again...? "You again? ... That, huh? I guess I haven't done it in a while. Fine. I'll do it if it'll make you get the hell outta my head." he muttered, putting his fingers tips close to each other, creating a sphere-like shape. "Watch closely, Hasashi Kisara. This is Niko style Nil Kata Void. You might learn something." he took a deep breath, and in that instant, it felt as if he had transcendent into another universe and allowed the God of War to possess his body into a stance Kisara was unfamiliar with. He corrected his center of gravity and the angle of his fist, and launched a punch towards the boulder. This time, however, the impact created a crater that took half the radius of the boulder surface. "Wh-What the fuck was that?!" he gasped in complete bewilderment. "THAT WAS FANTASTIC!" Kisara jumped up to her feet, running by his side. "This is almost as big as Takeshi's craters...! Ohma, what was this move, it was amazing!"  "A...Adamantine... Kata...? Ironbreaker...?" he muttered softly, staring in disbelief at his fist - HE did that crater! "Adamantine Kata? The one that you said was lame and useless? You've managed to perfect it in an hour?" she asked, just as in awe as him. "I... Don't know." he muttered, letting his hand fall down by his side. "I saw Niko again. He told me to meditate, just now... And I got a flashback of some of my memories. I didn't even realise I was punching the rock until I actually did. He said... This was how the Adamantine Kata was supposed to go... And that I had to get back my memories to get my real self back." he raised his gaze up towards the punched boulder. "To hell with him. He's always spoken in riddles. I hate him for that." he huffed, shaking his head. "That was fantastic, what do you mean? As soon as you took that that deep breath, it was like you were a complete different person." she explained, placing her hand over his fist. "Do that again." "I see. Fine. Step back, let me try again." just as before, he took a deep breath and took a stance, yet the impact wasn't as strong as before, yet much better than the first time around. "Why didn't it work...?" "Because now, it's you from the present. The big one was made by the past-you possessing your present-you. As soon as you managed to get your past-self in tandem with your present-self, you'll get your mind and body in complete equilibrium and succeed like this." Ohma looked at the girl, and with a scoff, he flicked her forehead. "Niko didn't die for you to take his place and piss me off with those fancy words and riddles of yours." he chuckled, watching the girl clutch her forehead in pain.  "Well, if Niko was alive, he's have slapped you over the head for being a jerk to your girlfriend." she huffed, but was unable to stop the amused smile on her face. "Girlfriend, huh?" the man teased her - It was a slip of the tongue, but Ohma realised, he didn't really mind calling Kisara his girlfriend. At first, it was weird, being in a 'relationship', while he only wanted to get stronger and get revenge. Partner - He liked that. It sounded like Kisara was his partner in crime... But it wasn't as close as 'girlfriend' was. But 'girlfriend' also sounds rather shallow, and 'lover' almost sounded like she was a mistress. All the other nicknames that she uses for him in private, he loves them, but he couldn't possibly call her the same, they're too sappy. So... What is he left with? Just the best. Hasashi Kisara. Her own name. It was beautiful, just like her, and it had a certain ring to it whenever he called her that. He didn't have many people that he'd call by their full name, it was endearing, and only two people ever had that privilege. Yamashita Kazuo and Hasashi Kisara. "Sounds good to me. And does my girlfriend still want to learn that shitty technique, once I get the hang of it?" he asked, letting his arms rest on her shoulders, his face close to hers. "Of course. But first, you have to eat something, at least while it's still pretty warm. And don't rub your sweat all over me, these are good clothes." she smirked, stealing a quick kiss before ducking down from his arms and going back to the spot where she let the food plate on a smaller rock. "That's not what you say at night." he always loved teasing her. "Well, duh. You don't let many clothes stay on." she muttered, rolling her eyes and stealing the fork from his hand, that was holding a veal steak. "You want me to eat, but you steal my food. Little vixen. I'll just end up eating you." he let out a barked chuckle, getting another piece of meat. "And what a shame that would be~❤️" she let out an enigmatic giggle, looking to the side with rosy cheeks. "Still as shy as always, Hasashi Kisara." he shook his head, yet his smile spoke what words couldn't convey. "A'ight, now get up, let's get to work." he jumped up to his feet and extended his hand towards her, helping her stand. "So, what do I do?" Ohma got behind her, taking off her haori and adjusted her stance so she would be clearing out her head the same way he did when meditating. She took a deep breath and relaxed her muscles, the same as when she was meditating under a waterfall. When she felt ready, she was to prepare and punch Ohma's flexed arm. "Not bad. Go again." The point was to achieve a good punch without prior seconds lost on the meditating. "Good. Faster now." and she amped up her speed. "Harder" in detriment of speed, she managed to amplify the strength of the punch. "You got slower. You have to keep up the speed." it wasn't as easy as he always made it look, but it felt good. "Good girl. That's it. Keep it up." more and more and more, Kisara punched away at his arm until it felt sore. "Okay, that's enough for now, you got the hang of it. It's not wall-breaking punch, but it should do the trick, for now." the two let their guard down. "Oh no, now we're going to the blocking, huh?" she smiled wryly. "Don't test THIS technique on me, please. You'll kill me." "I wouldn't go that far with you. Take this stance - Yeah, like that - The point of it is the complete opposite of the meditation Kata. You have to flex up the part that you'll use to block the hit to the point that it's tougher than the hit itself." the girl's eyes bulged with horror. "Doesn't sound as appealing anymore, does it?" "No, not at all. I don't want to end up with broken bones before the tournament end - I still have like three more night to have fun." she chuckled nervously, getting in the stance instructed. "You won't die, chill out. Alright then. I know you can keep up with my speed, to the point is, flex as hard as you can just before the moment of the impact. Understood?" with a nod of understanding, Kisara got ready. "Here it goes." as promised, the punch wasn't enough to kill her, but it threw her balance off.  "Ouch, that hurt." she muttered, rubbing her arm up and down. "Never said it wouldn't. Try to stay on your feet. Let's go again." the two got in a stance, and the girl took a deep breath, readying herself. Ohma made sure to amp his strength up a bit and he punch the girl. This time, though she stumbled a bit, she was able to keep it up. "Go again." it was Kisara this time who urged her partner to go again, and as he did, she managed to plant her feet well enough that she didn't stumble. "Again." another amp up in strength and speed, and she did just as well. "You're doing good. Let's make it better. Get in the stance and flex with a twist. Stay relax, and use your reflexes to pick up when I'm going to strike. Ready?" with a nod, Kisara let her guard down and took a deep breath. "Ready." it always fascinated the man how she could just drop everything she was doing and look so incredibly focused, like a samurai facing an enemy, ready to lash out the decisive strike. Her eyes were unblinking and fixed on his stance, his shoulders, his fist, his torso and each line of his toned muscles were carefully analysed. As expected, she easily predicted the moment he wanted to hit, and stood her ground, guarding perfectly. "Again." this time, she went harder and faster, and she was able to guard again. "Again." instead of a direct hit, he did a feint first - Though the girl immediately inched back, she swung her arm up to guard only when the real hit was initiated. "Good, good. One more time. I won't coddle you. Ready?" though she gulped, Kisara nodded and got in position. Judging from his tensed up body, he wasn't going to mess around with this one. As soon as he struck her arm, she was sent flying to the ground with a grunt. "Gah, that really hurt..." she held her arm, rubbing and clutching onto it. "Maybe it hurt, but you did good. It's almost the same amount of strength I used in my fight against Inaba Ryo." it was a praise in itself hearing Ohma say he used about the same strength as when he fights professionally. "Thanks for the compliment... And the bruise. You really surprised me... But I don't think I could have done any better." she muttered, getting helped to stand. "I've been training my whole life, Hasashi Kisara. You barely have four or less. It better than most weaklings out there who think they're some real deal. Look at Rihito and Kaneda, or that annoying dancing guy with the stupid hair. You'd destroy them in a fight." and if this didn't make her feel better, the fact that he gave her a piggy-back ride back to their room definitely did the trick.

Though, that night, instead of spending the night in their usual room, Yamashita Kazuo informed them that Nogi had them move to a house, away from the center of the island and away from many other people, in fear of having Ohma scouted by the competition. It was a bit weird, and yet, their own room was much bigger than the suite from the hotel, which was amusing, but no one complained. Even the bed was bigger, though the decorum of the room was... Leaning towards a more eccentric side. The suite was much classier, and Kisara liked it a bit better. Hopefully, she won't be losing her way to this new house, just like she did with their apartment suite many times.

That night, Ohma and Kisara were laying on the bed, looking up at the awfully kitsch painted ceiling, and making jokes about this whole place and whoever was the idiot who came up with all the... Surrealistic art, but in more simple words. Though she was pretty inattentive and reveling in the peaceful relaxation of the atmosphere, the Picasso-esque ceiling, her vision was obstructed by a flock of dark seaweed tickling her face. The cocky smirk of her lover was so close to her, that if she bothered she lean up a bit, she could easily steal a kiss. "Hi." she breathed out softly. "I did a good job with your hair, huh?" she reached out her hand to caress her soft ebony hair - It was always so soft after a proper bath. "Small talk's boring, Hasashi Kisara. Why don't you tell me what you see right now?" he was resting in a position that looked very much like a low plank, his forearms on either side of her head, and his body flushed against hers. "I see the same thing that I see every day. You. Only you. All the time." she smiled tenderly at him, her other hand reaching to his back, pulling him closer to her. "I see the strongest man I've ever known. The man that will always be on top. The one who will win this tournament. How's that? Do I still have perfect sight, or do I need some glasses?" she mused, caressing his face. "Good girl." he let out a teasing breath. "Come 'ere, you little vixen." his hands went underneath her torso and he picked her up in a tight hug, his face nuzzling at her neck. His hot breath was making the girl struggle - She was so ticklish that she couldn't hold it together. She was giggling so much that she had no air left in her lungs. "Ohma. Can you promise me something?" as soon as he stopped messing around, Kisara's voice calmed down. He merely let out a grunt that signaled her to continue her question. "Promise me... You will do everything in your power not to disappear. That's all. Don't disappear on me. Go out there, be the best because you are the best... But don't... Don't disappear." her arms coiled around him in a tight hug. "Disappear? Ha. You've been doing great by yourself. You've now got a shit ton of friends. You won't have time to realize that I'm missing." he chuckled, teasing the girl. "But they're not you." she muttered lightly. "Just because I'm doing fine by myself, doesn't mean that I want to be my myself. I was always looking forward to seeing you again, as soon as you'd leave." Kisara's confession was moving, and Ohma couldn't help but lean away from her neck, getting a good look at her face. She was genuine as always.  With a hum of hilarity, he touched his forehead to her and smiled fondly. "You're abusing the fact that you know I'm into you being upfront with your feelings like that."  "That's what I've always bet on." she offered him that sweet, kitten-like smile before putting him into another loving kiss.

The next morning, early on, all the occupants of the lodging sans the manager woke up around late afternoong - After a wonderful breakfast prepared by one of Katahara's bodyguards, a blond with long hair and an eyepatch. His name was Yoshioka as he was assigned to do just about everything the Yamashita co. people wanted.

In the meantime, Kisara got in her light clothing and took off to meet with Gaolang and Kaneda, who were already there, having conversation. With some small talk going, the trio went deep into the forest, away from prying eyes, so they can warm up and get ready to train. The first teacher was Kaneda, and he explained the gist of his Foresight after hearing that the girl has great reflexes and speed, and though the drawback of this ability is that you need to take several blows to be able to understand the opponent's move pattern and create a complete counter-strategy. To practice this, Kaneda had Gaolang face the girl, so he would be the one pointing out what she must do - Of course, the Thai wasn't going to actually fight the girl, just help her understand how to pull the Foresight.

Much to all their surprise, as soon as Gaolang lunged to throw a punch, Kisara side stepped and grabbed him by the fist and wrist, flipping him and slamming him to the ground. "OH -- SHIT, I'M SORRY, THAT WASN'T INTENTIONAL, I'M SO SORRY GAOLANG!!!" she watched the man laying on the ground with a horrified expression, as the men's eyes were wide. The Thai was looking up at the girl with complete disbelief as she quickly crouched to his level, helping him up. "I'm so sorry for that, I really didn't mean to. It became an instinct... Whenever someone tried to hit me, I throw them away." she apologised profusely for the thousandth time. "That was a good throw. You did mention you knew some fighting techniques but I didn't imagine they'd be at this level. I am impressed." he disspelled all her worried and apologies. "Alright, I don't think Miss Kisara needs much training in the Foresight. I'm a practitioner of the Kujin style, and though it's used as a battlefield hand to hand combat style, I adapted it to my own person. What you did was similar to some of my moves, so I was thinking we could try out some of these moves." the smaller man suggested and thus, he got next to her and showed her each of the stances and postures, when and why to use them, and the physics behind them, while using Gaolang again as the opponent, though this time, he was prepared for a potential beating down, so he defended all her counters. "You're doing well. Let's move on." Gaolang nodded at the girl. "Show me your jabs" "I wouldn't say they are my forte, especially if the opponent is considerably more powerful than me. But I have pretty good speed and balance, so I guess that would work in my advantage." the girl explained, watching as the Thai walked next to her and got in his famous stance, before performing the Flash with 15 jabs, in slow motion, breaking down the technique. Kisara was absolutely fascinated, but more than anything, she was shocked that he was actually teaching her his famous signature move. "Gaolang... This is your move. You made this. You perfected this. I couldn't... I couldn't possibly..." she trailed on, only to feel a pat on her head, followed by a soft smile by the man. "Everyone already knows my move, if they wanted to, they could easily learn it themselves. But you came over to me and Kaneda and asked for help, so we're helping you. I see no reason why you would feel you shouldn't be taught these techniques." with his reassuring, Kisara flashed back a matchingly charming smile and tried to mimic his stance, and with a bit of adjusting, she got the gist of it. Little by little, step forward, step forward, a dangling forearm, followed by numerous jabs that, with each try, got faster and faster, until the master was satisfied with her progress, and had her face him. "No Aikido or other techniques. Let's just practice this. I'll go slower so you can pick up easier on the key points and body movements needed for each strike." the man instructed, and getting a few feet in front of the girl. The two got in their stances, with Kaneda watching and initiating the fight, and the first to move was the instructor.

Though he said he would go slow, he was still remarkably fast - Fortunately, he still wasn't as fast as Hatsumi, so she could follow his moves with great ease and retaliate. With her guard up, and her elbows slightly apart, just like she was taught, she looked through the small gap and made sure she blocked all strikes. Though, she left a bigger gap between her elbows on purpose, tempting the Thai to attack just below the neck - And the temptation paid off, for in that instance, she side stepped and elbowed his wrist away, combining the disruption of the fighting flow that Ohma taught her, and the elbow usage that she mastered with Gaolang's help - And she hit an uppercut to his chin, before doing multiple jabs to his abdomen and diaphragm. If she were taller, she'd have punched his face, like all real fighters do, but due to her being about 25 centimeters shorter than him, elongating her arm fully would not only slow her, but also work in her disadvantage. Keeping her arm slightly bent and quick, repeated punches in key-areas was the perfect strategy for her. "That was ruthless. I didn't expect you to pull off something so sneaky. Well done." the man smiled at her, giving the approval for her performance. "I don't have outstanding strength like all of you, so I have to make it up for my weaknesses in some way. I'm sure Kaneda gets what I mean. I already know I have great reflexes and speed, and I know a few techniques by now, I learnt how to read people's body language... So I need something that would give me the edge over anyone trying to fight me. And that is... Being tricky. My friends always called me a vixen for being playful and devious... So I have to come up with different tricks that would fool my opponents somehow. Watching you all fight in the tournament gives me a ton of ideas. If only I knew how to grapple, I would get even better. Cosmo really fascinates me, but I could never be as resilient as him, and I can't hold grips like him." the girl grinned sheepishly, explaining the reason behind her cunning. "People working hard and smart to overcome their weaknesses are the ones that will win it all, in the end. Just don't give up and keep getting better every day." Gaolang nodded in acknowledgement. "I don't know the reason behind you learning how to fight, but whatever it is, it's clearly a very strong motivator. Keep it up, Kisara. We are rooting for you." "Gaolang's right. Even if we weren't friends, I'd still be rooting for you. As someone weak who strives to be strong, I hope you'll reach the level that you want to achieve." with this encouragement from Kaneda, the trio went their own ways. It was already past lunch so Kisara really hoped there was still something left at home... If Ohma didn't eat everything.

And thankfully, there were still enough food laying around, so with her lunch in her belly now, she went to look for her messy haired boyfriend who was wet from head to toe, standing next to a lake nearby. Who knew this island even had lakes. As soon as she spotted him, she sat down by his side, and they stood like that in silence for a while. They stood like that for a while, but it was weird for them not to say anything for so long. 

"Hey, you. You're awfully silent today. Have you trained too hard?" she asked, leaning her head on his shoulder. "I was just enjoying the very few moments of silence." he teased her, putting his arm around her and pulling her to his side. "Funny as always. That means your training is going perfectly." Kisara looked up at him with a smile, and as expected, that confident smirk was gracing his features. "Is it. I should go back to it soon." he muttered under his breath.  "If I were a fighter, I'd volunteer to spar with you... But I don't think I could do you any good to improve." she let out a small chuckle, only to see the man turn to her abruptly. "Sparing with me means you'll get hurt, yet you'd still volunteer?" the girl nodded. "Why?" he asked her again. "Why, you ask? Because I want to help you win. I'm not a great fighter - No, actually, I'm not a fighter at all... But if I can help with anything, I want to do it." she declared so leisurely that it made Ohma's jaw go agape. "Who are you and what have you done to my Hasashi Kisara?" his tone was filled with disbelief. "Hey, you - Don't be mean to me! I just want to help, what's so wrong with that?" her cute pout only made him pull her into a kiss before getting her up on her feet. "I can't afford to go easy on you if I want a proper sparring." he explained, his hands squeezing her shoulders. "Are you still sure you want to help me out? I already trained with Yoshioka a lot today."  "Uhm... Not the face... Please? I still wanna be pretty?" this sheepish comment earn a chuckle and another sweet kiss before Ohma moved a few steps backwards and got into his stance. Kisara didn't. "Get in your stance." but his order was met with a simple smile as Kisara put her hands in her pants pockets. "I'm not a martial artist, Ohma. I have no stance." she was such a little vixen, always surprising people, even him, after so many years. "Fine, have it your way, Alpha Queen whatever - At the count of 5, begin. Ready?" with a leisure nod of her head, Ohma began the counting. As soon as he reached the last cipher, Ohma lunged at the girl with top speed, yet, to his surprise, the moment he blinked in her proximity, he found himself far away, laying face up on the ground, staring at the clouds. "What the hell was that?" he was absolutely bewildered. Did he slip on something? "Is your back okay, Ohma? I hope you've healed up after yesterday's fight with Ryo." she casually turned around, yet her look expressed her genuine worry for his injuries. "I'm fine." in an instant, he jumped up and went for a high grab, but just as he got about three steps away from her, she fell on all fours and tripped him with her body, making him stumble over. Still, he regained his balance quickly and went for a straight punch, but she had new surprises as always - Just as Kaneda taught her, she side-stepped and grabbed his elbow joint so he wouldn't be able to flex it, and at the same time, she glued her leg to his and threw his balance away with his own technique. Though he was able to recover quickly from it, Kisara went further with Gaolang's fast Flash to his abdomen. "How many people have you trained for so far? By the end of the tournament, you'll get techniques from every fighter." Ohma chuckled, knowing very well what she was doing, as he was very impressed by how far she's gotten, even without him. "Gaolang and Kaneda just a few hours ago." as she admitted that, she saw how Ohma tried to grab her, but instead, she placed her palm on his own, sliding it so that she could get him in an Aikido grab, before she performed Hatsumi's famous Gathering Clouds: Triple Strike on his face. Even though it was nowhere near his level, followed by a punch to his temple, it did the trick. For a split second, Ohma thought he lost consciousness, and with an uppercut to the chin, he was sent on the ground... But that was her weakness. She didn't know wrestling, grappling, tackling or anything closer. Once the opponent was on the ground, she couldn't do what Agito or Cosmo did and wrestle and grapple on the ground, fighting for dominance. She couldn't suffocate anyone. If she couldn't knock the opponent with her strikes and tricks, then she couldn't follow with anything. Even if she mounted him, like Naoya did with Agito, or Cosmo with Adam, but her weight was a feather compared to theirs. Grappling someone 30 kilograms or more heavier than her would be an instant flying away to the other part of the arena. "Why didn't you follow?" Ohma asked, getting up. "I don't know how to. I know what to do all the way until the opponent is on the ground. After that, I haven't come up with a smart way to keeping them there." she admitted. "I see. Now that I've got a hang of your moves, I know how to counter them. You're pretty unpredictable, that's good, especially for someone who's never seen you fight. Let's go." once again, Ohma lunged and was ready to punch the girl's stomach. She was unable to side step or block because of his speed and strength, so she tried to redirect the hit my pushing on his forearm. Though it did work, Ohma already knew that she would do it - It was him who taught her how to use the Redirection Kata, after all - It was Ohma who actually controlled the flow of the battle and turning her to the side, he grabbed her other arm and slammed her to the ground before mounting her.  "Shit, this is scary as hell-" she's been in this position before, and she hated it. She hated it. She hated it so much. Though, she never had anyone actually hitting at her, the position was making her heart scream away with tension and anxiety. It might have been from the adrenaline of the fight, or the fact that Ohma was being rightfully rough and merciless with her, that this old fear of her re-emerged. But she had to fight through. It was Ohma and Ohma was the sweetest man in the world. She's been intimate with him, he'd never hurt her. He'd never. Get a grip, girl, you'll get killed in a fight if you act up like this. Get strong and fight. Fight. Fight.

She kept her guard up through all this, blocking all fights just like she saw Akoya blocking Haruo's blows - But then, she remembered the pelvic thrust that Agito did to get rid of Naoya. What did he do now... He planted his feet to the ground and kept his strength and balance on her upper back and scapula. She knew he had to do sort of a corkscrew turn to the side and get enough momentum - One, two three... UP!

"Nice try, but you're not that greased up asshole, though I'm surprised you were even capable of making me bounce a bit." he praised her, carefully taking her hands away and holding them to his face, a proud look visible. "Thanks for holding back on the punches. You'd have broken my radius and ulna bones." she sighed in relief. "I did promise I wouldn't hurt your pretty face, yes?" he chuckled, leaning down to steal a kiss. "Did you learn that by just watching that bastard's fight?" the girl nodded. "Impressive. If you were a built fighter, you'd have thrown me off. Good girl. You gave me a run for my money today." "What I did won't help you against Raian. All I do is tricks and hit and runs. He's pure strength. He's a beast. He's a monster. He's brawn and brains and 100% bloodlust. I'm... Really afraid that he'll drive you to the edge so much that you'll overuse even the Advance. I want to see you snap his neck like he did to Mokichi." she confessed, squeezing his hands dearly. "Have you forgotten where I spent my whole childhood? I've killed since before I even had a name. That guy is so fucked in the head, I won't have any problem surviving and winning." Ohma chuckled at her. "Let's go again." "Before that - Tonight I'm going to a party. It's club-like, not fancy like before. I know you're not fond of loud music and dancing and all that... But I'm still asking you." Kisara asked as she was helped up an she rubbed her aching spine. "Go have fun. I'll train and sleep in the meantime. Lucky you, the tournament starts around noon, so you can sleep in." he ruffled her hair before stepping away and getting into a stance. "Okay. Let's go. No more mounting, please, that's an instant kill on me." he nodded, and on the count to three, they started sparring again. Though Ohma was dominating as always, Kisara still put a hell of a fight and by the time the moon was beginning to go down, the red head stopped sparring and went to get ready for the party. 

She called up all of her friends and got together in the club-like room. Of course, Cosmo, who never went to a club before, was the most excited to party,, though Akira was just as enthusiastic as he was to have a good drink and have fun. Wakatsuki and Hatsumi were at the table, and while Takeshi didn't drink alcohol that night, Hatsumi was really having fun and flirting around with girls all over.

Loud music, smoke, lots of fun, great songs, blinding, colourful lights, neon paint splattered all over and lots of sexy people dancing and having the time of their life on the dancefloor. Though Kisara wasn't a frequent club client, she always enjoyed her time there, if the music was good and the company was fire - And they definitely were now. Chocolate shots, fruity cocktails, lots of snacks and the whole night was spent like this. Though most of the fighters chose a reasonable hour to go sleep, considering they had to be fresh for their next fight, those who were already out, and some CEOs like Akira didn't leave, as the surfer dude said, 'I couldn't let a beautiful lady all by herself in a club', but really, he just wanted to have more fun, considering the stress this whole competition was putting on him.

By the time 5 AM struck and the Sun was beginning to rise, Akira and Kisara took a barefoot stroll by the shore, letting their feet dip in the water. Though none of them was anywhere close to wasted, they were still a bit sleepy, running on the fun and euphoria from the party. "I had lots of fun. Maybe we can do that tomorrow night too, as celebration for going to the next round." "You've got lots of confidence, don't you?" Akira chuckled at her. "Yeah, I agree. I'm sure Cosmo will win tomorrow. I want to celebrate that." "See~! Of course you've got confidence in your lil' bro. He deserves all that confidence. He's super cool, and he's so young. As his age I was too afraid to go order a coffee from Starbucks." the girl chuckled lightly, looking up at the brightly twinkling stars. The breeze of air was blowing through her fluttering summer dress and her long, now very messy crimson hair. "You? Really? Ha! Wouldn't have guessed." the man teased her, watching her carefree grin as she nodded. "Oh, yeah, totally. Just around the time we first met. I guess you always ordered for all of us when we went out, so you didn't notice, but I was so awkward. I mean, I still am, but not to that degree at least." she started stretching her limbs a bit, enjoying the cool water going up her shins. "You're funny, Red. It's fine, it happens. People are just different, but you grew out of it. You're strong and you fought your fears. But you know what? You totally trip me whenever you make me chase you around. I don't get how you do it, but you always trick me." he laughed, patting her back. "Have you forgotten, Akira? 'Tsuki-san called me a 'Kitsune'. I took that to heart and perfected my tricky skills. I'm just cool like that. I'd like to see you do better, surfer dude." she flicked his forehead, walking towards her lodging. "Do better, she says! What, you think you're cooler than me?" he mocked indignation, only to see her grin wickedly, as if she was a devious fox. "Hella." she sniggered, rushing her speed walk. "Apologise, you little vixen!" she shook her head and started running - Him, after her. "Red, apologise! Admit I'm cooler than you!" "Never~!" he might have been a tennis player and knew some martial arts, but in speed, he couldn't top her, so it was easy to fool around with him, diving under his arm, tripping him and what not.  "See! That's what I'm talking about, you sneaky little fox!" he must have danced far too much, for he stopped and put his hands on his knees, panting. "I win~" and with that, Kisara booped his nose shamelessly. "You're impossible. I can't keep up with you. Good night, Red." he laughed breathlessly, walking away towards his residence as the girl quickly disappeared inside her own temporary home, making sure she doesn't wake anyone up. 

As usual, she took a quick shower and changed into one of Ohma's weirdly comfortable Tshirts that are perfectly large on her, like her nightgowns are. Careful not to make noises, she got in bed next to her man and raising his heavy arm so it would stay over her, she cuddled into his side and let out a sigh of content, only to hear a low chuckle. "You slob. People usually wake up at this hour to work. You go sleep after a night of fun. You're incorrigible." even so, he shifted and pulled her closer to chest, resting his chin on the top of her head. "Just living the life, babe. Livin' la vida loca."

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[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: June 6th, 2021

I’m back with more ask responses! You can also check our Frequently Asked Question sheet if there’s something you’re wondering that’s not answered here.

FAQ   Also, if you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

Thank you for the patience with these questions  ♡

Hey in very beginning of step 3 in the scene where Mr.Holden had a thought dancing on the tip of his tongue but he kept it to himself after MC and Cove were being cute (idk if it makes a difference but this is when they're dating)... Can we know what he was thinking/ wanted to say? It's been bugging me lol 

He would’ve gone into a “look how much you’ve grown”, “your dad is so proud of you”, “I’m so glad things worked out with the MC”, and etc spiel, haha. But he resisted the urge to fawn on his baby boy, at least for that scene.

If we planned to move away for college/future plans in step 3, is it implied that MC and Cove would have a long distance relationship for sure? Could MC have convinced Cove to come with them? How is the dynamic of their relationship going to be addressed in Step 4, if that makes sense? 

Cove is willing to follow the MC where they went after everything is settled for them there, and if they’re sure they want him to come! You’ll get to decide how things shook out during those transitional years just by making choices about it during the opening prologue of Step 4.

Hi! First off, how does it feel to have created one of the best games when it comes to inclusion for lbtq+ peeps? I've never felt as validated with my identity and sexuality when playing a game and I'm seemingly not alone ♥ Second, and this might be a little too specific, but what kinds of drinks does Cove like as well as dislike? Thank you, you're the best ♥

Thank you for very much! It’s really nice to hear the game felt inclusive. Cove likes regular water and fruit juices/smoothies most! He dislikes coffee and cola, and he’s not super into most teas either.

Hi, may i ask what gb patch stands for? Specifically the gb part lol

It stands for my old, silly username I used in places like Neopets as a kid, aha. The company name wasn’t super thought out since it was originally just me making VNs as a hobby. Luckily, “GB Patch” kind of seems like it could mean something reasonable, so I didn’t have to rebrand when it did become a more serious, commercial group.

If we chose to not propose to cove in the step 3 dlc would he propose or would the mc propose in step 4 or the wedding dlc? 

Yeah, you or Cove can propose in Step 4 if you’re not already engaged! The Wedding DLC takes place after the engagement so the proposal scenes aren’t there.

will you guys announce if the early access for the new game is out on patreon ? 

When beta builds of Step 4 or whatever start coming out on the Patreon we will mention it here on social media too.

Heyy I just had a quick question about Baxter if that’s okay :)?

I saw in an ask+answer that it’s possible to casually date Baxter In step 3, but what leads up to that? I have the step 3 dlc and I’ve tried playing them In a different orders and ways but it doesn’t seem to get anywhere ^^;

The Step 3 DLC is Cove-based because he’s the default guy. There’s a separate Baxter romance DLC that’s not out yet. That’s where you can get him to date you. I’m sorry for the confusion!

Will we ever get any LI's or side characters with physical disabilities or deformities? I think your games would be a great place to have them in since they're always so accepting and safe! 

Yeah, we do hope to have representation for that in future projects ^^. Thank you for the confidence in us.

Is it possible to get Cove to take the bed and MC to sleep on the floor? 

Not in Step 3, I’m afraid.

So, I have played the prologue of Our Life countless times and I haven't gotten the [Your Life] achievement, why is that? 

Steam sometimes isn’t connected properly when an achievement unlocks and so it remains locked on your account. If that happens, unfortunately getting the scene again won’t unlock it. The achievement becomes inaccessible because the game thinks you already have it. Playing with the same Steam account on a different device or fully deleting your game data (more than the only the save files) are the only work arounds we’ve found.

Since when you talk with Jeremy in step 3 it's mentioned he goes on dates with someone (which assume is JB because who else would take this boy on dates) that makes him happy, does that sort of make JB and Jeremy the canon relationship in the first game?

The default for XOXO Droplets is that JB casually goes on dates with each of the jerks! Shiloh would’ve been harsher if Jeremy was the only guy getting her attention, haha. But the player can change that default by dating just one person the whole game for their own story and who she ends up with for real has no default.

Hi, hello! Huge OL fan, thank you so much for the wholesome content, it was very much needed during these times. Managed to get several people to join team Cove, so that's very exciting, I always have people to fawn over him with. I have a little question and I'm sorry if it was asked before, but does it ever come up in the game what Cove has told his mom about us? (who knows, with so many options, one can miss it) Or, alternatively, will it come up in the Step 4 DLC? 

Thank you very much for sharing the game with people <3. It’s really great to hear people are liking it. Right now that doesn’t come up in game. Kyra is willing to keep her mouth shut and Cove isn’t gonna have that conversation either. At least not when he’s younger, but yes, perhaps when he’s a fully grown big boy in Step 4 you can ask him about it.

I’ve been thinking about this ever since it has been confirmed that there would be two love interests for OL2, would there be the possibility of forming a polyamorous relationship with both love interests? I’m sorry if you answered this previously, I’m just curious. 

We are considering it, but it’s not a guarantee yet. It’d be really great to have but it’d add so many extra alterations that’d need to made, aha.

Hello! You mentioned how Cove would be uncomfortable with kids at 23, but how old would he be when he’s comfortable with having/adopting kids? (Same goes for the other LI’s.) btw, love your game!! 

He’d want to be at least 25, but even older would be good. Derek would want to have kids when he and his partner could reasonably support them, the age itself wouldn’t matter. If they were doing good at 22 and wanted kids, he’d be up for it. Or they could wait until their 30s or whatever. Baxter is also more of a “when it feels right” guy rather than having a specific age requirement. Cove is just especially wary of being a young parent because of his own parents. I’m happy you like the game!

does step 4 immediately play after you press "end summer" in step 3? or is there another button/transition (like the story text thingy) before the epilogue begins? what happens after the epilogue? roll credits? 😂 

Step 4 will have transition section always and there will be an extra button, if you own the Derek or Baxter DLC. By default the Cove-based version of Step 4 just plays once Step 3 is over. However, having the other guys’ storylines will mean you get to pick which version of Step 4 plays; Cove Step 4 (the basic one), Derek Step 4, or Baxter Step 4.

Happy pride, thank you for all you do for us🥰

I have a quick question though, I recently got a MacBook after my old windows computer broke, and now steam says I cannot download it, but it has no issues with other games, what can I do to download it?? I’m sorry if my English is bad

Happy pride month! Unfortunately, Our Life isn’t available for Mac on Steam right now. To be an approval application Apple requires having special notarization and we as a small group haven’t gotten that. Itch doesn’t care and lets us release the game for Mac there anyway, Steam does care so we’re locked out of putting the Mac build up on their storefront. Feel free to email us and we can try to help the situation out further!

support@gbpatchgames.com

Hello! I was jus wondering if the Baxter and Derek DLCs are still happening? I haven’t heard anything about them on here or patreon in a while so I just wanted to make sure ^^

They’re still coming and we just released a new sprite sketch on the Patreon for the Derek DLC c:. But right now Step 4 is still much more of a priority. Once that’s closer to being done we’ll focus way more on sharing previews for the other guys.

is it possible to tell cove you love him (platonically) at step 3 fondness/selecting him as basically family? i just love the mc and liz sibling interactions and it got me wondering about it (especially if you've selected that option)

You and Cove can be as close as family, but there’s not a specific scene in Step 3 where you say “I love you” in a family context. But there’s always Step 4~

do you intend on ever adding a collectors mode to Our Life? Like a way to collect achievements and CGs for the gallery without it effecting any save files? 

We weren’t considering it before. But if a lot of players would find that helpful, we could start thinking on that!

Sorry if it's a silly question haha, but (in crush/love) is Cove really aware of how cute and cuddly he seems to MC? If so, what does he think or do about it? Or does he just ignore it? 

He isn’t particular aware. Cove never truly stops being surprised that the MC is interested in/attracted to him, haha.

Would you say that the alone ending of xoxo droplets is worth playing again to get? 

Nope, haha. The goal is to make friends/get a boyfriend and so the alone ending is kind of the bad ending for the game. Though there is a consolation prize if you get it by accident.

Is there any possible situation which would ever prompt Pran to bake for his girlfriend? Like I know it's unlikely I mean even if JB broke her leg somehow I'm pretty sure he'd still be like "I considered baking you a cake and doing the frosting the way I think looks interesting but you don't deserve a cake, no one does." right but also ahhh it would be super nice if some day he just surprised her with baked goods one day out of nowhere. JB would be so shocked it would be cute. So is there any possible situation where that could/would be a thing that he would do? 

He might bake out of spite, like if he felt he had to prove her wrong on something. Or if JB used some good reverse psychology on him. Or he might do it in a relatively nice way if he could make his GF so shocked by the kind gesture that his amusement with that overrode his insistence on not being sweet. Pran is very difficult in high school, aha.

Is the "one route (where) it can be seen that Everett will drop his seemingly eternal waging with Jeremy pretty easily and can start getting along without thinking much on it" the Lucas route? I'm curious! 

Yep! Everett will side with Jeremy if it’s between him and Lucas.

Hi I hope you guys are having a great day :) I just had to ask how Cliff would feel about Cove's partner/fiancé Mc calling them dad whether it be accidental or otherwise and secondly I also wanted to ask how he would feel about being asked to be the one to give the mc away at their wedding. 

He would be very touched and excited! I hope you have a good day too :D

Hello! I saw an ask relating to whether Cliff "moves on" after Cove's grown up and stuff (and he stays single), but what about Kyra? Will she be with anyone else or will she stay single? 

She does start dating again, but she takes it slow.

Hi! I absolutely love the art for characters in OL and I wonder is this fine to draw my MC in same drawing style and upload online later? Is this something artists would be okay with? Thank you! 

Yeah, you can certainly do that C:

Hey there!

I wonder if I'm just being stupid here.. Is Step 4 a DLC? And if so, where can I find it? I can't seem to find it on Steam :< Thank you!

Step 4 is a free epilogue! It’s not done yet, but once it is finished you’ll just update your game file and Step 4 will be there after Step 3 ends.

hi! are step 4 and the wedding dlc two different things?

They are. Step 4 is a free epilogue that’ll be a default part of the game once it’s done, the wedding DLC is an optional paid expansion that takes place after Step 4.

Why did Baxter not receive a step 2 sprite seeing how he shows up later

Sprites are time consuming to draw and take money out of the budget that could’ve gone to other things. His tiny appearance in Step 2 wasn’t worth all the effort to make a sprite, aha.

I just realized, what happens if if you get the patreon exclusive moment but at a later date, when you don't have the membership anymore, it's updated (like a bugs fix update for example)? Would you have to get the membership again? 

You would have to get the membership again to redownload the build. But there’s very little chance there’s going to be an update once it’s been out for over a month. If a build gets released with errors, players catch/report them within the first few days. So by the time the first subscription period ends, any problems that were noticeable would already have been fixed. And we’re certainly not gonna be adding new content to it once it’s been released for a long time. There’s no need to worry about missing out on something worthwhile in the future if you cancel your membership. It’s being made with the idea in mind that many players are gonna be getting it and then going.

Hello! Wanted to ask about gaming choice in step 3? Once upon a playthorugh I got the option to buy Cove a bracelet for his graduation present. I played the same basic character again and that option wasn't there anymore. I'm not sure where I went wrong. My Cove wears a bracelet on each hand and my MC is into fashion and jewelry. Do I need to put an earring on him or? Sorry, love your game so much. 

He also needs to have liked bracelets in Step 2 for that to be considered a good gift option for him. Sorry for the confusion! I’m happy you love the game :)

Is Step 4 being released at the same time as the Wedding DLC or will the first come before the latter? Thank you! 

I’m not sure. Ideally they’ll come out at the same time, but the wedding DLC has a lot of art to get done and we may have to release it after Step 4.

Can mc still get confession from Cove at the end of step 3 even if mc casually dates Baxter in step 3? Such as in crush mode? 

I don’t think so. Maybe that’ll change, but generally there’s differences to the Step 3 ending if you were dating Baxter and those differences likely will conflict with getting the Cove confession.

For the patreon moments/dlcs, will it be available for all tiers? 

It’ll be available for tier 2 (Fans) and up!

[otomelavenderhaze]

Do you have any more headcanon about how Rayan and Candy's relationship would have been if they had met before? it would have been interesting 🧐

I have!! In fact!! Let's talk about the headcanon that lives rent-free in my mind, cuz I cannot be normal about Alternate Life and just accept Lys in my life. Let's goo-

"Early classes, you say?" her voice was full of amusement, almost taking his words entirely as a joke "What you gonna do if I end up accepting your offer?" how else should she take it anyway? That seemed to take him back a little, but noneless, the handsome smile stayed in place. 

“A famous gallery decided to sponsor a street exhibition in their annex recently, it looks like it will be something like a festival open to the public only for two days, trying to test the engagement of the public before doing a full opening, however it will be over before the semester here even starts. Would you like to go with me?” The invitation came out polite and carefree, casual, even though they'd only just met.

“I’m not sure if this is a good idea.” it definitely wasn't. 

“You’re probably right” Rayan tilted his head to the side, considering the situation “For many reasons it really isn’t. However ‘the only way to get rid of a temptation...’”

I interrupted him “... ‘is to yield to it’ Oscar Wilde.” 

In that moment it was as if something clicked both of them, she saw it by the way his eyes changed, the green in them seemed to belong on a summer day, the color of the leaves on the trees when you looked up and saw the sunlight between them - so beautiful. But, honestly, why not? 

- 

If someone else completely removed from their situation would ask why would she accept his invite, she wouldn’t be able sound like a reasonable person - it wasn’t so much about reason, it was a mix of curiosity, with the thrilling sensation of doing something that they shouldn’t and the irresistible to go against the tide and see how far they would get. 

To their surprise they went quite far from the shore; each new museum they would go together, the art galleries, studios open to the public, even your avarage movie in the big screen, even simply going out to eat, it doesn’t matter where; all the matter was the company. 

She found out about his love for movies, books, art, cooking and music, hobbies he had but dropped, places he have been before, stories about his childhood. He found out how bad of a cooker she was, the movies that made her cry and fall in love, the ones she would never watch ever again, the books she wouldn’t stand leave behind and her love for drawing. 

The more she knew, the more she would fell; the same showed to be true for him. 

Almost a week later Rayan would tell her about his late wife, how she died, how staggering losing someone so suddenly was, the grief, the depression; the process of moving on, of blind dates with other women that never passed a first date and how in the 7 years that followed, he thought there was something wrong with him... that until he met her. 

And something in her eyes on that moment moved him closer, to ask softy if he could kiss her. Instead of saying yes, she was the one that kissed him instead. 

From that moment on things only speed through, they only had more three weeks together without having to worry about the real world, so they decided to make the most of it; all the caution going down the drain. 

Every second of their days must to spend together, the intensity of it almost unbearable, as time would pass and the begining of the semeter would draw closer. They didn’t talk much about what it would mean either, so anxiety a constant non-spoken feeling, only feeding the urge they had for one another. 

He knew that the better for both of them would get some distance, some perspective, for all the things at stake. 

If they were discovered by someone, the damage would be immeasurable, especially for her who would have to deal with gossip and possibly harassement from other students; he loved his job at Anteros, but he could get another job somewhere else if he got fired and any rumors that may follow could be easily denied by him. And if she really got hurt by his selfish actions, he would never forgive himself - the best for both of their sake’s would be end this while they had the chance. 

However, she didn’t make it any easier for him - unaware of his inner conflicts, she wouldn’t hide her feelings or the amount of faith she had in him. 

And of course, that would terrifying for Rayan. So he would try run away, try do the “right thing” and be “honorable” about it, which would make them fight and break apart. 

She would avoid him, try everything she could to not spend time alone with him, but even at Anteros with so many eyes on them, circumstances would keep bringing them together, and as much as he also tried, it seemed impossible for him to stay away - it was driving both of them crazy, to the point when they couldn’t keep deny it anymore. 

To the hell with the risks, to hell what was “right” and “honorable”. He was sick and tired of deny to his heart all it ever wanted, so he yield to her and they made it work. 

[nepenthendline]

S/O that self-harms and has an eating disorder -  Tsukishima, Tendou and Sugawara

TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD: SELF HARM AND EATING DISORDERS

I’m dumb and accidentally posted this half done so thats why the requests are in screenshots 

I’ve added these two requests together as they’re about the same topic. Firstly I just wanted to let anon though that I’m absolutely fine writing about these topics so you don’t need to worry! I will, however, make it extremely clear on these posts about the trigger warnings and I won’t go into intense detail so that it’s more accessible, I hope that’s ok! And thank you for your lovely words! 🥰🥰 I have added trigger warning tags for those who need to blacklist this, but please please let me know if you need me to add any others

I know there are so many people who are struggling with these issues, especially at the moment with covid, I’ve been there too and I’m still dealing with these things myself so I want you to know that if you need to talk to someone, or you’d like an emergency request, then my askbox and messages are always open. You are not alone, you are not ‘strange’ for dealing with these things, and I promise you things will get better, I’m already proud of any progress you have made and you should be too. It’s ok to have worse days and to fall back into negative spaces, you’re human!

Also, these will be following my own mental health hcs of these guys that I’ve already posted so check that out first!

Tsukishima:

Tsukishima is the one who understands this the most

he’s been there, he’s struggled with those things and he is still fighting

if you didn’t tell him upfront about your struggles, he would have easily found out by himself quite quickly

since he has been through it himself, he knows the warning signs to look out for, so when you start covering your arms more often even with the hotter weather, or make a passing comment that you aren’t hungry at meal times, he knows it’s his time to step up as a support system

he isn’t going to be particularly forward about it, he’s not the type to come up to you out of the blue and ask questions because he knows some of them can’t be answered, so he takes things into his own hands

he spends more quiet time with you, just the two of you cuddling in your bed as he brushes his fingers over your body

while it may seem like a usual calming display of affection, he is really searching your body for any marks or wounds that are new

he tries to coax your feelings and worries out of you, telling you that you can trust him and that he isn’t going to run away

he knows that he can’t expect you to open up without him doing so either, so he lays himself out for you

he tells you what he has been through, he shows you the scars on his body, he lets you into his heart and his head so that you know you aren’t alone

once you both spill your stories, you don’t talk about it much after that, you both know what is going on so it’s just a matter of taking care of each other

regarding food, he isn’t going to force you to eat huge meals, because he has a small appetite even when he’s eating perfectly fine

but he is going to try and get you eating little amounts consistently throughout the day

you don’t want to eat a full meal? that’s fine, but he is going to be passing you little snacks every few hours so that you at least have some fuel in your body

he’s a smart guy, he knows how the body functions at its best and he will do his best to teach you too in hopes that knowing what your body needs and how it reacts to certain situations will aid you to treat it better

he’s not going to wrap you up in bubblewrap and shield you from the world either, but he will do his best to make sure that there isn’t anything you can easily hurt yourself with in your reach

he’ll put sharp objects on the top shelves, saying it’s just to piss you off about your height

he also always keeps a first aid kit on him in case of emergencies, something he has gotten into the habit of over the last few years

he’s not going to sit there and tell you everything is going to be perfect or to just ‘get over it’, it’s going to be a long process with both of you learning and fluctuating every day, but you’ll both get there eventually

Tendou:

Tendou is extremely attentive, he knows exactly when your mood has changed or if something is wrong

he’ll leave it for a little while to see if you’ll come to him yourself, but if you don’t, then he’ll start asking questions

they start off as simple, casual questions to check up on you, like ‘how are you feeling today?’, ‘how was your day today?’, before they go into specifics if he feels like you aren’t being honest with him

he’s the type of guy that makes ‘jokes’ about his depression, even going as far as joking about suicide or self-harm, and when he notices you flinch ever so slightly at his words, he knew what was going on

he brings it up one day as if talking about the weather while reading manga together

“you’ve been hurting your own body, haven’t you?”

he tries to keep the conversations a light-hearted as possible, saying how you are now ‘scar buddies’ as he lifts up his shorts to show you his thighs

he understands that what he says isn’t really going to do much, but he’s still going to shower you with compliments and affection in the hopes that it brightens your mood and distracts you even a little

distraction is his main way of helping you - if he can keep you busy then there’s less chance of you hurting yourself in his eyes

he’s going to call you over or turn up to your room unannounced with a book in hand to read together, or invite you to cuddle with him as you have an anime binge session, he also wants to make sure you’re getting outside enough so walks to get ice-cream and sit in the park happen frequently

he knows he can’t ‘cure’ you or actually make things better, so he mentions about seeing a therapist if you aren’t already and he will support you every step of the journey if you do decide to seek help

like Tsukishima, he also has a smaller appetite in general so he doesn’t expect you to eat tons

he uses prompts often to try and get you to eat more, such as “babyyyy I’m hungry, let’s go down to the cafeteria together and get some food ok?” or “I bought this jumbo pack of ramen but I can’t eat it all myself, come give me a hand?”

he likes getting you sweet treats too, they often make him feel a little perkier so he hopes they will for you as well

he isn’t going to give them any details, but he will ask his team to keep an eye on you if he isn’t around

he likes to use rating systems with you to determined how you’re doing in the day, whether that be on a scale of 1-10, or texting him a particular emoji that signals if you’re having a bad day

he will never get mad or annoyed at you if you relapse, he understands its a journey that will have it’s ups and downs, but he always reminds you of how far you’ve come and how proud he is

Sugawara:

out of these three boys, Sugawara is the one who understands this the least

he’s never dealt with this issues himself, and he has never been around those who have besides those who struggle with anxiety

even though he can’t empathise, he is naturally an extremely caring person so he wants to do his best to understand

he reads up on self-harm and eating disorders to learn about how they originate, how to notice warning signs and what he can do to help you best

he comes to you a lot as well, asking if there is anything he should know or that he can do for you

while he may not notice these issues themselves straight away, he is always checking up on you in general so he can tell if there is something a little off

it breaks his heart to know that you intentionally harm yourself and it takes him a little while to wrap his head around it

he knows he can’t do much to help the issues you face directly, so he makes sure you are keeping up with more general self-care, such as showering, getting some little exercise everyday, indulging in your hobbies and talking to him and other friends

if you need to rely on him for a little while you’re trying to get back on your feet then that’s fine with him, he is more than happy to remind you to do things to take care of yourself and help you do them too

Sugawara is the most forward when it comes to you getting help from a doctor or therapist

he has a couple serious talks with you about how you need to find a method of battling this, whether that be therapy or medication

as much as he wants to be, he can’t take this away from you

he starts stocking his bag with emergency items too, things like bandages, healing ointment or any safe foods that you can eat

to help your eating, he does his best to make food become part of your regular routine in hopes that it will make eating become more familiar and less daunting

this means regular meal times and creating lists of safe foods with you that you feel you can eat better than others

he will do his best to make sure all your meals have the right nutrients for your body and also recommend you take vitamin supplements daily in case you have a bad eating day and cannot get them through your food

it frustrates him that he can’t do more for you, or that he can’t understand exactly how you feel, but he never shows you that

he will always have his arms open for you if you need support and he will never ever blame you for the struggles you deal with, he reminds you constantly that there will be better days and he is going to be with you through all of them

[alfredosauce50]

whenever youre free, can you write yandere 2p china headcanons? im just thinking abt him 👉🏽👈🏽

Yandere 2p! China headcanons

Getting together with you was hard enough. But now that you’re his, he can’t go back to being a second choice he’s always been. He’s never letting you go.

Zao doesn’t have a single yandere characteristic by default, but when he does, ooh boy. It’ll take some time for him to deviate from his normal personality and mental stability, but given enough paranoia and infatuation, he will start losing his sanity, then, his ability to distinguish between right and wrong. And the terrifying thing is, he doesn’t even know it. By this logic, he is by far, the craziest yandere you’ll ever have the misfortune of encountering. 

(There isn’t a lot of fanart on 2p! China so have this fanart of Wei Wuxian for visual purposes)

Home life

He’s very into kissing, so much that he’ll sneak some in while doing the most mundane things. When he talks to you, he will hold your waist and fill the brief moments of silence with kisses. In his eyes, having his lips on yours while a conversation happens is being ‘productive’ as he makes the most out of being with you. Before anything escalates, which ends up happening more often than you’d prefer, you’ll pull away and clamp a hand over his mouth. He’ll lick your hand and laugh at your reaction. 

He bathes with you. He could’ve gone with the more economical option of showering, but he’s far from broke. And plus, he can do so much more while sitting down. You usually stay on the opposite end of the tub, but he’ll pull you onto his lap and whisper this in your ear, “Don’t be shy, kitten. This is your throne.” As you sink into his embrace, which ends up hotter than the water you’re submerged in, he will caress your back and make out with you. Once you’re pleading for air, he will pull away and trail a tongue up your neck instead. When you’re with him, he never actually lets you catch your breath, ever. 

Zao is very mindful of your comfort. Perhaps not when it comes to something sexual, per se, but he will always bring you a blanket if it gets a little chilly. If you forget to put socks on, he will put them on for you without asking. Whenever you go out, he will bring a bag with him and most of the things inside are either yours or for you. 

Spoiling you is a given. He can’t imagine a better way to put his hustle to good use--to give you things you want. Even if you don’t ask for anything, he never fails to get you something you end up loving. But there is one thing he won’t ever let you touch. Substances. Zao is so overprotective in all aspects of your life, he doesn’t even like you drinking. He’s a little more lenient on weed, and will let you have a few puffs of his joint. 

He always covers up at home, and will get a little flustered if you catch him indecent. Zao doesn’t wear a lot to bed, like tank tops and underwear, so he isn’t shirtless very often. The only time he doesn’t get embarrassed is when the mood is... You know. And he’s doing you-know-what with you. Otherwise, he will call you a pervert, but really, he’s teasing you more than expressing embarrassment. Because clearly, that’s rich coming from him.

Yeah. It’s not news how big of a pervert he is. Nor is he ashamed of it. Any dirty thought that crosses his mind, he will never fail to relay to you. It leaves you mortified when he tells you what he wants to do to you, in detail, especially when he isn’t being self-aware. Save that for when you get home, you idiot! But the private sphere only makes him even worse. 

He calms down at night, thankfully, and lays in bed with you on his chest. This is where his love language starts speaking to you. Connecting to you emotionally and mentally is how he shows he loves you. This takes place in long, deep, and random conversations, and if not, he will just captivate you in his dark eyes and stare at you endearingly. “What are you thinking about, kitten? I hope it’s something related to me~” Then, he’ll dig his hands through your hair and massage your head as he breathes you in until he gets intoxicated with you. 

When he gets jealous

He’s the type to get so jealous, it becomes suffocating for him--especially when he doesn’t outwardly show it. So whenever anyone remotely shows interest in you, he’ll keep his cool for the most part, but will get very irritable and clingy. It doesn’t matter how subtle they were, it could’ve been a single glance, even, but alarms will go off. He will pull you into a tight embrace and bury his face in your neck until they leave. You don’t really mind because he isn’t giving anybody trouble, but you do find it cute when he immediately returns to his soft side afterwards. 

Zao isn’t the biggest fan of conflict, even if he’s more than capable of it. Instead, he will gravitate towards his intelligence and cunning to outdo anybody he hates. Stalking is definitely on the table if he needs to get to know someone, then, when it comes down to it, sabotage. He will do anything to keep them busy so they wouldn’t have to see you. And he succeeds every time without you finding out.

Unlike most SO’s, it’s easier for him to get jealous over friends than love interests. He values the emotional aspect of your relationship with him the most, and gets very upset if you bond with people other than him, platonically or not. To make up for it, he demands your attention and ensures the time you spend with him is two times more fulfilling than whoever it was you were with. This is the fundamental reason why he’s more susceptible to getting jealous--literally anybody is a rival in his eyes. 

This is all the more reason to be so much more paranoid and restless than other typical yanderes. 

When you argue

He doesn’t agree with you on a lot of things, so it’s like talking to a brick wall. Objective subjects are easy to get through when it’s straight up facts, but if the topic is about what he can or cannot do in the relationship, save your breath. You will never get through to him. When he feels entitled to something, he takes his own side, regardless of what you feel about it.

Nevertheless, he will do the bare-minimum of leaving you alone in the meantime when you’re upset. That’s how he somehow respects this boundary he just crossed. But a few hours later, he will go back to normal, which means he will be affectionate even when you’re not in the mood. This cues the second phase of the fight. While you’re trying your damndest to push him away, he will corner you, physically and mentally. 

While he hugs you tight, he will force you to look at him while you cry. It’s invasive and suffocating, but the night always ends with you making up with him. Be it kissing or other means. It’s unfair, but no matter what he does, you can’t help giving in to him. And he knows this very well. That’s why he keeps doing it.  

Psychology + When he snaps

He is much more intelligent than he lets on. Even though he already knows you like the back of his hand, he studies you every day. If you asked him what you were thinking about, he could probably guess it. That’s what makes him such an intense lover. You can’t hide anything from him if you tried. Hence, he has a terrifying amount of control in the relationship, and he will use it to his advantage.

Zao is a good multitasker. He can juggle his ‘job’ and hobbies while keeping you in the palm of his hand. There is absolutely nothing you can do without him finding out, and this is precisely how he keeps himself miles ahead of you. 

As everything progresses, he will tolerate less and less. His love language is how much quality time he gets with you, along with emotional connection. Eventually, he will start ruling out the prospect of you having any of these things with anyone besides him. That includes friends, so he will start isolating you from them, all until the only soul you are truly close to is him. Soon, you will have to rely on him for everything, which he absolutely loves. He will make himself the only person in your life. 

As this continues, he will become obsessed with the idea of your co-dependency on him. Zao always loved looking after you, but he isn’t satisfied with that anymore. Being your own person? Hell no. Every single thing you do, he will be in the backdrop. If not, he will be next to you, and start influencing your own thoughts until you can’t even trust yourself. 

At this point, he is manipulating you to accept everything he does. And he succeeds a lot of the time, especially when he’s so unfazed. You start wondering if you should be this unfazed, even when what he’s doing is wrong. 

If one of your friends tries to intervene, he will make sure they won’t see the light of day ever again. He has a lot of connections, and combined with how cunning he is, he can get them to disappear with the snap of his fingers. He will keep doing this until every single person in your life is gone if he has to. 

Zao acts purely on his own desires. It’s his moral compass. Right and wrong will blur together so long as it’s for you, and there’s nothing he won’t do. Murder is as casual of a topic to discuss and do as having breakfast. 

A lot of psychopaths would at least get the thrill of doing something so heinous, but he won’t give a shit. He won’t bat an eye. He won’t feel the smallest shred of remorse and carry on like nothing happened. But what he will feel is satisfaction. 

If you find out what he did

You can cry all you like. He’ll only feel remotely guilty because you’re heartbroken, but it passes pretty quickly when he’s happy with what he’s done. You could try running away too. Try. But he always finds you. It doesn’t matter if you leave the country and go into hiding. He will follow you to the ends of Earth for the rest of his life. What can he say? He loves a good chase. It’s a fun game of cat and mouse he knows he’ll win. 

Every time he finds you, he’ll sneak up to you from behind and whisper, “Are you done, now? Let’s go home already.” If you try to run away again, he’ll just catch you and hold you tight, even while you’re thrashing in his arms. “I can do this forever, kitten. You have nobody else to go to, and nowhere else to be. So don’t waste your energy and come back with me.”

Response to ask: 

Of course :) I’m honored you submitted an ask to me after thinking about him 🤗 He’s definitely one of my favorites! Zao’s gotta be the most fleshed out 2p next to Allen. Since 2p’s aren’t canon, they rely solely on the fandom’s interpretation and ability to dish out content on them. I haven’t seen any proper yandere stuff on Zao, so I think this is a first. And boy, he’s a terrifying one for sure. I feel like he embodies the worst of the yandere trope because he’s into psychological manipulation. Worst isn’t the right word, actually. I believe ‘accurate’ is a better way of describing it. This is what a real yandere looks like. 

[benryphobic]

tell me ur thoughts on... Darnry

DARNEY MY BELARNREY......HELL YES

💐 Who tends to worry the most?

Darnold. He has anxiety! He's very uncomfortable with sudden change, too, so anything extreme happening out of his schedule makes him freak out

💋 Who is the most physically affectionate?

Benry. he gives his *friends* kisses, man. he would give Darnold so much physical affection it would be annoying (sometimes)

⛈ Do they enjoy dancing?

They do! Darnold dances like an old man, just kinda swaying side to side, while benry dances like a teenage girl. they have really different tastes in music, but can come together with dancing to r&b!

🌹⛈Who has the most nightmares and how do they deal with them?

Darnold has the most nightmares. Mostly about being terrified and trapped. Benry helps him by just kinda playing games with him, cos neither of them are too good at talking about feelings

🌺 Do they go to sleep at the same time as each other?

They do initially, bc Benry just. never slept. he doesn't need to. But then Benry started to appreciate the fine art of being able to cuddle and doze with a comfy body in his arms

⚡ What are their nicknames for each other?

I can't really think of anything but benry probably calls him like. D. Arnold. as a bit. otherwise i can't see them using any nicknames

🍃 What do they do when the other is stressed?

play video games....if that doesn't work, then they just talk about nothing. if it gets really bad, benry uses sweet voice for him, but thats not super often. darnold helps benry by just being his friend (homosexual)

🌻 How do they spend time if the other is gone?

Darnold does his science shit, goes back to school to become a professor, plays video games etc etc. benry plays video games, listens to music, probably makes his own music, talks to his friends, etc

🎮 Do they have a favourite video game they enjoy playing together?

team fortress 2.....they both go medic and do this

💍 Would they ever get married?

probably! no big wedding or anything, but they would get a little dressed up

✨ Who proposes?

benry! he does it very casually but very heartfelt

👑 Who is the meme lover?

darnold laughs at minion memes and cat memes. benry does not go on the internet.

📚 Who likes to read?

Darnold! he's fascinated with his field of study, but also in a lot of different things. he reads a lot to calm down and as a hobby

🎩 Who bothers the other person while the other person reads?

haha benry. if benry needs attention (which is often) he'll bother darnold like an immature child.

🌼 How do their personalities complement each other?

i think both are very matter of fact while saying the craziest shit. the difference is you can kinda tell when benry is joking (unless youre gordon) , while you cannot tell at All when Darnold is. Plus i kinda see them both as quiet people, maybe ambiverts at most, so they just kinda chill most of the time. theyre absurd in different ways, and its great :)

🔥 Who will punch someone out if they are rude to their partner?

neither? i think benry would shoot someone just for picking their nose

💀 What would they dress up as, for Halloween?

oooohghuhghhhhh the cheesiest costumes ever. the first year theyre dating they go as a medic and solider duo, but years after theyd do like. cishet costumes bc they both think its funny (harley quinn and joker, Frankenstein and the bride of frakenstein, jack and sally, etc) they still really like dressing up as video game characters tho, so they do that too to mix it up

🌈 What are their favourite colours?

darnold likes green! benry........does not have a favorite

🌹 Who is the hopeless romantic?

Neither! Darnold is a man of science, a man of work. he was very happy being single, benry just kinda added a new dynamic in his life that he very much enjoyed. benry is just....not a romantic. if he has a crush on someone he's like "well.....lol" and usually pursues like a 5 year old

🎭 Who is the dramatic one?

benry. he sounds like he's eternally pouting

🎈 Who makes jokes during inappropriate times?

benry, duh. hes kind of a dick. darnold cannot take him to funerals

💝 What do they love about each other the most?

the sick gamer strats. idk this is a weird question cos when u love someone, i feel like u love....all of them? or at least a lot of them. theres not really a favorite trait. they just go "yo this is nice as fuck" when u spend time with each other and like. cuddle.

👓 Who googles everything?

darnold uses Google as a research engine for his work and hobbies

🌙 How do they comfort each other when they are helpless to do anything about the situation?

they r there for each other. if its truly helpless, i think that's enough.

🍂 What is an inside joke they have?

pyro airpoof.....whether or not Darnolds potions are g fuel bc Powerade is kinda close to Gatorade

💟 What do you think makes them perfect for one another?

i dont think theyre perfect for one another! benrys an annoying jackass, Darnold is a nice man. but i think if benry got a huge loser crush, hed feel the need not to pull on darnolds metaphorical pigtails. its respect

🌷 Are you nervous to talk about your OTP? Why?

kinda nervous! but only bc i have trouble thinking about their dynamic. my favorite genre of romance is just.....dudes that hang out and kiss. i also don't want it to sound like knock off frenrey. Darnold is the only one who seemed a little annoyed by benry too, in a very different, polite way, but i find it difficult to differentiate the dynamic. Darnold is a little bit of a straight man to the straight man. not to say he isnt absurd. but id find it reallt funny for benry to do some crazy shit and Darnold to go "uhm. ok."

Is your OTP Oc x Canon?

hmm difficult question. hlvrai characterization in general is making an oc and hoping it adheres to Canon. just by shipping darnold and benry im basically making some sort of oc x oc for myself, since their characterizations don't imply theyd ever end up in a romantic relationship

🎵 What's a song (or songs) that remind you of your OTP?

i need more songs for my darnrey playlist 😩😩😩😩