#can't say no to some gay cowboys

[lordgrimwing]

Silly Flirtations of the Heart #01

Fingon leaned back on his elbows and watched the low fire crackling in the middle of the small group. Stars twinkled above them, clear and bright so far away from any city. Out in the darkness, insects chirped and buzzed. A moth flew over to him, attracted by the light of the fire. It landed on his shirt for a few seconds, investigating, before taking off again. He watched it go with a little grin, listening to the idle talk of his companions. While rounding up cattle was physically demanding, he always enjoyed working on the range.  

He pulled his meandering thoughts back at a sudden commotion around the fire.

“Ugh. Really, Henry?” Azul said, shoving the uruk sitting next to him as he pulled out a harmonica. 

The others, two uruks and a human, groaned along with the first. “Every night is a little too on the nose,” One of them complained good naturedly.

They were all cousins, or related to some degree, if Fingon recalled correctly, even the human, who married one of their sisters. He knew Azul the best as he was hired to work on the ranch several years ago. When Fingolfin was expanding the operation to include more cattle out on public range land, he asked the uruk if he knew of any other good people looking for work. Azul was quick to volunteer several of his relatives, and they hired them without hesitation. So far, they’d all turned out just as hardworking and dependable as he was.

Henry polished the harmonica on the fabric of his shirt, removing any dirt it might have picked up during the day. Even in the fire light, the blue of his shirt contrasted nicely with his sun-darkened skin. He raised it to his lips and played several notes of a tune they had all heard before.

Fingon joined in the outcry at the prospect of hearing another rendition of ‘Home on the Range’. 

The harmonicists played four more notes, then raised his hands in defeat. 

Before he could put the little instrument back in his pocket, Udo said, “Hey, play us that song about the old human lady looking for her pet dragon.”

The groans changed into cheers when he obliged the request. Soon, everyone else was singing along with the music, even Fingon, though he was still learning the words. Henry winked at him when his tongue stumbled over some of the alliterative puns.

[hauntingblue]

Will I ever get over garp's scottish accent....

[lonelychicago]

no but i can't stop about eddie finding queering the map and being overwhelmed by the amount of stories that resonate with him.

it starts with buck, because of course it does.

buck comes into the station one day, rambling about this site he found online. he's still figuring out bisexuality for himself and has been going down a rabbit hole ever since, reading endless articles and reddit stories and experiences told from so many people.

and something about it, about this particular site, catches eddie's attention. he really can't stop thinking about it, wondering if people from el paso would have any of those pins. if anyone from the place he grew up in, was raised in, ever felt like him.

he can't stop wondering if maybe he was never as alone as he thought he was.

when he gets home, he decides to look for himself— it takes him a while. there's too many black pins and he doesn't quite know how to navigate the huge map on his screen. it takes him a few minutes to get the hang of it.

but when he does— oh, when he does.

right there in el paso, people from the same streets he once rode his bike in, are sharing his experiences. fellow soldiers in the same base eddie trained at.

eddie reads these sacred, secret little messages and feels his heart expand more and more with every each one of them.

some of them makes him laugh and chuckle, teary eyed but amused, like "even the army has gays," and "from one gay cowboy to another."

others, nake him falter. make his bretah hitch inside his chest. make something beautiful and fragile and orecious uncurl from the deepest depths of his soul. make him feel seen in a way he isn't sure he's quite ready to.

messages like— "you're not the only one," and "you'll be okay." "the heaven the people from this town speak of, is not a heaven i wanna be sent to." "i should've told him when i had the chance." "stuck in a warzone, thinking about how i wasted so much time and now i might not make it home to him."

messages that hit a little too close to home. from soldiers still in the closet, struggling to accept themselves and living a lie.

messages from dumb teenagers, scared of the future— just like eddie had been once.

messages from people braver than he ever could be, sharing the stories of how they came out to their families and moved across the country to be able to live their truest selves.

eddie spends hours and hours just reading post after post, goingbthrough as many lins as he can and drinking them in as a dying, thirsting man in the middle of the driest desert. he reads until the light from the comouter makes his head hurt and his eyes burn everytime he blinks.

at the end, before closing the tab, he decides to put on his own note.

📍not sure if I'll ever be ready to say it out loud, but I love him. i'm too late. I've lost my chance. this changes nothing, my heart is still in his hands.

he clicks on add and feels the tiniest amount of weight lifting from his shoulders.

[raggedytiger]

ragatha/agatha and pomni/penny human hcs!

(r)agatha:

is an english teacher!

yes she still loves horses. she used to ride them, & she loves old western movies.

owns cowboy hat and boots.

analytical and loves long & winding conversations.

has a very happy cat named sandwich.

patches her own clothes, doesn't have kids but if she did she would embroider their names into their belongings.

she still plays cello, she loves music in general, probably sings like an angel.

can't do any mathematics.

can drive, but like a lunatic. somehow has never had an accident though, so it's fine.

probably has a cute little baby blue/yellow car now, but definitely had a beat up offroader truck at some point that got put to good use. or maybe she still does, i'm not the boss.

total lesbian, a bit of a heartbreaker but not intentionally (women just keep falling for her)

goes to town/neighbourhood/community meetings. likely is/was in a knitting circle

absurd number of quilts in her home

pomni/penny:

is an accountant as we know, and cannot cook for shit as we know.

no pets she can barely take herself for walks. is more similar to a cat, but had a dog growing up. would love a collie or a dalmatian probably.

would name the dog something stupid like Thermometer Johnson.

she can drive, but nervously.

really quick thinker, like impressively, unless she's under HUGE amounts of stress. is literally always thinking at 100mph.

no sense of interior decor or personal style. all practical, kind of butch. really does kill a suit.

very much lesbian but not fully to terms with it. probably had short-lived relationships with men in which she was 'content' but didn't really care for it. seeing agatha as agatha for the first time was probably a crazy punch to her little gay heart. not to mention the cowboy gear.

autistic

watches 90s anime to wind down

listens to every single genre of music. passes a lot of time with headphones in, slowly making her way thru the entire world's discography

owns no band merch or anything though she just listens

can't sleep without a fan on, thunderstorm 12hr audio, blackout curtains, weighted blanket, water nearby

does not sleep a lot

both of them (going to call them pomni and ragatha for convenience):

didn't immediately recognise one another. i havent got an exact idea of how they reunited after getting out, but there were tears.

bonded in a very rare and unique way - they got to revel in the newfound joys of real life again. they got to eat delicious food, go on long, unobstructed walks in the real sun, be warmed by it, chew on ice cubes and shiver at the pain, listen to each other's heartbeats, listen to real music, read real books, smell soaps and flowers and sauces. they went to the supermarket together and read all the labels, and bought one of each type of fruit to try between them, and smelled all the candles, and touched all the blankets. spent a lot of time holding hands and kissing and i'm sorry to say, probably having sex, because holy shit, i'm real, you're real, we're real

now live together in ragatha's apartment, after pomni moved out of her small and confusingly-furnished flat.

both of them feel inadequate from time to time. this is resolved by a stern-but-loving talking-to.

sandwich likes pomni very much. pomni doesn't really get cats, but loves sandwich a great deal, and enjoys letting her sleep on her lap.

ragatha is very pleased to see her girls getting along.

ragatha cooks, pomni chops the veg. she often doesn't fuck it up

pomni cleans a lot as a 'thank you for letting me live here, i love you'. she's very much acts of service, ragatha is words & physical touch <3

they watch a lot of movies together. depending on how long they've been stuck, they might have culture to catch up on

ragatha wants to have a house with a garden one day. pomni starts germinating seeds from their fruit & veg like a weird science experiment. ragatha is delighted when she is presented with a baby tomato plant.

clothes are shared. ragatha's are bigger, but most of pomni's are ill-fitting anyway so it can go both ways. ragatha likes to dress pomni up in different outfits and have her do a little fashion show. pomni pretends not to savour the confidence boost.

pomni starts sleeping more

[thenewsnow]

Gay cowboys

Gay cannibals

Gay (but not really gays since they are genderless) biblical entities

Gay attorneys

Gay homophobes

Hoping I'm not the only one loving all these different pieces of media and fandoms !!

It's so funny to me to see how the dynamics are different but at the same time they are all just some guys that can't speak and say "look I love you let's become a couple and stop all this complicated long situationship shit"

[batboyblog]

2016 is often considered the point when leftism managed to get itself into the mainstream and became more popular, but I honestly can't help but wonder, given the sheer descent into conspiracy theory and selfish cruelty of the current state, whether in hindsight it was actually leftism's step into decline.

I've been thinking about this a lot, sadly I'm getting the start of a Migraine, so the edges of my thoughts are all fuzzy so idk if I'll be able to do what I think justice, but lets try.

The human mind doesn't really like complexity, it'd a pattern recognition machine built to find food and stuff that thinks you're food in the African brush. So we like to find patterns and lump stuff together, its hardwired in.

so "Leftism" I do understand what you mean, but I think it covers a really wide area.

and I think in politics we like to assign ideological and policy logic to things to political movements, it has to be about a coherent and rational ideology and world view we think. But... I think, often times it's emotional as much as anything. Did people vote for JFK or Reagan so much for policy as they, personally in their person, seemed to be the antidote to what was wrong in the moment? JFK seemed young and energetic when compared to an elderly and ill President Eisenhower, Reagan had the claiming aging leading man energy to make everyone feel like it'd be okay, a movie cowboy to lead us against bad guys we didn't understand while nice guy Jimmy Carter seemed stuck.

So back to 2016, I think there was so real ideology to start. The Left of the Democratic Party felt empowered after 2006, the left of the party had been against the Iraq War from the jump and that turned into the organizing issue that pushed Republicans out of power in 2006. A San Fran liberal, founding member of the House Progressive Cause was the first woman Speaker (and in favor of gay marriage too). In 2008 the Left of the party for largely emotional reasons sided with Obama over Clinton, even though they largely overlapped on policy and where there were (minor) differences she was to his left.

so riding high from two back to back wins, having gotten a lot of progressives elected to the House and Senate (like Bernie Sanders) progressive Dems were pretty let down by the real results, the ACA got bogged down and their dearest wish list item, the public option, which Pelosi fought for so hard, failed to make it into the final bill, and then 2010, a blood bath. And understandably there's been some frustration with Obama for not living up to the hype and also failing to really focus on state level races, Democrats got tarred hard

BUT! there's also an emotional side, Occupy Wall Street. I remember at the time being interested in it, I was young and more radical, but soon I got really frustrated because they had no demands, I watched every night MSNBC which was very sympathetic, but no one could articulate what it is they wanted, past a vague idea of "punish" the guilty.

I think there's a lot of restless frustration, some of it grounded and based in reality some of it not, in this country and its only grown over time as well as a contempt for and a break down of any kind of respect for experts and norms any anything established.

SO! I think that emotion latched onto Bernie and the left of the Democratic Party. As someone who worked that election I can tell you, at first knocking doors in New Hampshire, I got the taste of the very start of the campaign. And people would say "oh I'm voting for Bernie now, but I'll vote for Hillary in the general" but soon it went from friendly, from "we're pushing her to the left" to something bitter and angry. I had Bernie supporters tell me 1990s Fox News conspiracy theories around the Clintons, I had a Bernie supporter (in the general election) follow two college girl volunteers for blocks back to our office to SCREAM at us all.

Bernie won the New Hampshire Primary pretty commandingly that year, and partly because he had a strong volunteer network. But in the general despite many efforts we could barely get any of his regular volunteers to come work with us against Trump. I remember one lady who showed up just once and looked RIP SHIT! to be there, I think she said that all the positive stuff we said about Clinton, at a canvass launch for Clinton, made her "sick" and "don't expect me to say anything nice about her!" and she was one of only a tiny number of Bernie people who showed up in the general so she was better than some.

I remember the only Bernie Volunteer we got to become a regular. He'd knocked doors for months in New Hampshire for Bernie, organized his own phone bank into Nevada for their primary, drove down to South Carolina and spent the week before their primary knocking. Clearly a true believer, and when he decided to volunteer with us they kicked him out of the Facebook group he started and stopped speaking to him. I'll always remember what he said, that around the Bernie office they used to say that "a Trump voter was just a Bernie voter who hasn't been educated yet"

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, there were real motivations of the progressives and the left of the party, real policy based frustrations, particularly around how health care worked out, and I think Bernie Sanders himself was running because of that and to express that. But it tapped into something else, something not really political and much more emotional, rage and bitterness and a need to punish, the same energizes Trump taps into. It made a permission to be nasty to people you don't like, particularly women, I won't repeat the things people said on the phones, horrible.

now in 2024, almost 10 years later, there's a lot more depression mixed in, Trump talks about America as a 3rd world country all the time, there's just a vibe of having given up, hopelessness. There's a genocide and everything is horrible and hopeless and give up and die.

I don't believe in giving up, I don't believe in bitterness, I'm not a sunny person in real life, but I believe the point of politics, the politics I'm a part of, is lifting people up. It might be corny and uncool, but I believe in America, not that we're prefect, no, we're not, but together we've done great things, we fought a world war and went to the moon, and we can do great things together still always if we believe in each other, build each other up, stop being so afraid and weak and sad. I want to be beat fascism again, I want to go to the moon again, I want to beat climate change, and finally finally make the promise that all men are created equal REAL, and I don't believe in hiding behind walls, and crying that we can't do it any more, fuck that shit.

[devotioncrater]

"no hints were dropped" ok not to be that person but here are the hints that were dropped regarding Colin and Trent being gay:

1. Colin mentioning Grindr in a joke

2. Trent touching the arm of a man in the background

Here is one of the hints that Keeley was bi (even though I do believe she's been canonically bi since season 1, but not everyone sees it this way)

1. Her desktop background was in the colors of the bisexual flag

Here were some of the hints that Ted was bi:

1. Bisexual flag colored triangles above his head in the hallucination sequence

2. Inverted pink triangle next to him in that same sequence (and you can't tell me the creators didn't know, when the Homomonument is based on that symbol)

3. Countless (countless!!!) comments about men's physiques ("huge muscular thighs all caked in mud", whistling at a picture of Pep, "look at that head of hair", "he's strong", "he looks like a Rodin sculpture in cleats", etc.)

4. About a man (Higgins) and a woman (Rebecca), he had to say: "that's a crowd I don't mind being smack-dab in the middle of"

5. Him checking Trent out in the pub in 2x07 (his eyes are up there, Ted!)

6. "It could go either way", "I contain multitudes" and other comments in this vein

7. Bi lighting as he entered the Yankee Doodle Burger Barn

8. Giving similar looks to the female waitress and the male waiters in that restaurant (including a waiter in a cowboy costume that looked like he belonged in a gay club, who tipped his hat at Ted when greeting him)

9. "That's cause you were put into a box", "That box ceases to exist today", the box in the hallucination sequence breaking into triangles (as in the bi triangles and the inverted pink triangke), "we've been playing too rigid", "our guys need freedom", "fast, fluid, free, with full support", the "box that one needs to break out of" being a prominent motif in season 3

10. Wishing Beard called him pet names ("Honey, is that an ingredient or something you just called me?")

11. His crush on Pep

12. The connection between Ted and Colin: "my whole life is two lives, really", both wearing orange in Sunflowers, "I just want to kiss my fella" (Colin doesn't say "fella" , but Ted says it all the time), Ted just needs to get inspired and Colin's play is "inspirational" after he comes out, as per the commentators

And so much other stuff that, had Ted not self-identified as straight (*cough* put himself into a box *cough cough*) , you could make the case that he was canonically bi.

Here are some of hints that there was a romantic connection between Ted and Trent:

1. They hit a lot of romantic beats, and not in the jokey self-aware way in which Roy and Ted hit them in "Rainbow", but in an organic and sincere way

2. They both checked each other out: Trent checked Ted out when Ted was changing in front of him, Ted checked Trent out when Trent came up to him in a pub and hit him with a pick-up line while his date that looked a lot like Ted waited for him outside

3. Did I mention that Trent was on a date with a moustachioed man who dressed in a similar style to Ted? Let's mention it again

4. In that very bar, during a 50 second long conversation, Trent managed to say the word "love" three times. I searched the word "love" in the transcripts of the episodes. There's no other instance in which its frequency is this high

5. "Love our chats" incomplete rule of threes

6. "Sport, it's quite the metaphor" (implied: a metaphor for love; see also "love's a beautiful game" from the song Ed Sheeran wrote for Ted Lasso), "Also makes for a heck of a nickname", "Good night, Ted", "Good night, sport"

7. The soft, romantic, melancholic song playing in the background of this scene, while Ted and Trent are the last ones left in the office, with lyrics such as "When your words begin to crumble like the sidewalks all around this crummy neighborhood / From the chalky cliffs of Dover / I'd come over, I'd start over if I could"

8. Trent wearing sunflower colors in the episode "Sunflowers" and in the finale; sunflowers symbolize Ted's home (it's not subtle). He's the only character dressed like that. I'm still looking for any other explanation other than "Trent is Ted's home"

9. Their constant flirting and the way they look at each other with incredible fondness

10. The entire episode "The Strings That Bind Us". It's structured around Ted and Trent's relationship, and the way Trent changed because of Ted (in season 2, Ted defined a soulmate as someone who changes your life forever). The red string metaphor. Ted points out that soulmates are connected by a string tied to their little fingers. Ted and Trent both extend their little fingers out in similar shots. They are connected by a huge block of red in their last scene of the episode. Ted makes several comments about other men that apply to Trent ("Look at that head of hair", "Frames his face nicely", "My favorite one, he was clean shaven"). Many more details that lead back to Ted and Trent: Nate tells the restaurant owner to tell Jade he said "Hello". Immediately after, Ted and Trent say "Hello" to each other. The map that Nate's father used to ask out his mom has the number 1.3 written on it and an illustration of two people at a table in a restaurant. Ted and Trent went to a restaurant together in season 1, episode 3. The last scene of the episode mimics a "Race for Love" scene from a romcom, with Trent chasing after Ted. Trent also does not say a word to anyone other than Ted in the entire episode. He is completely focused on Ted

11. "Trent, what do you love? Is it writing?" and Trent ends up writing a book about Ted and naming the manuscript after Ted and he only cares about Ted's opinion on it (he leaves the room when Beard starts reading, but stays in the office after hours just to watch Ted read. "I just wanted you to like it.")

11. Trent's crush on Ted, confirmed by Jimmy Lance (and also obvious in the show, if you ask me)

Now, why would I believe that none of these hints were intentional? Maybe some could be explained away, but all of them? The hints we got for Colin, Trent and Keeley were so much smaller than this, and those turned out to be intentional.

anon i wish i could offer you the response you deserve, but i cannot stop rereading this masterpiece & focusing on the portions of evidence you provided that i didn't even pick up on until you laid them out. holy shit

[loufuckers]

had this one dancing around my brain for a minute before deciding i'm probably never writing it so i'm releasing it into the world in case it sparks something in someone lol

bucktommy actor au

evan "buck" buckley is an up-and-coming actor. he's been acting since he was 18 in minor roles in tv shows and movies but finally gets his big break at 26 when he lands a supporting role in a cowboy comedy where he plays a character named "buckaroo" which earns him his nickname. after that he starts getting typecast as eye candy and comic relief even though he knows he can do serious work until he manages to get signed to 118 MGMT and his new agent, bobby nash, lands him a role in a serious queer drama. this is the opportunity buck has been waiting for his entire career

the only problem? his co-star is no other than tommy kinard, famous action hero actor better known for playing a superhero in a blockbuster franchise before he decided to leave the franchise to start making more serious, critically acclaimed movies (and who came out as gay not that long ago, taking the entire industry by surprise); whom buck might or might not have a huge crush on since he first saw him shirtless, all those muscles out in display in all their oiled glory, in some cop action film when he was a teenager

and everything would be okay if tommy was anything like the rumour mill says he is (offhand-ish, kind of an asshole, too self absorbed) but buck quickly finds out during pre-production that he's actually nothing like that. he's sweet, and kind, and a huge dork. he's got a dry, deadpan sense of humour that may come out as overly sarcastic and rude to some but buck understands perfectly. and he's so nice to buck, always checking up on him in between takes for the more emotional scenes and sharing his acting tips with him. when they have to shoot the sex scene tommy has a 30 minute conversation with buck about boundaries and how he doesn't want to do anything that would make buck uncomfortable, how buck feeling safe is tommy's top priority because as an older, more experienced actor this is old news to him but this is buck's first time shooting something like this and he just wants to make it as comfortable as possible for him

so now buck inevitably falls in love in between shooting, hanging out at each others' trailers, and their dinners that initially were to know each other better before the movie started filming and then became a regular occurrence because they like hanging out with each other. and now buck has to figure out a way to not break his own heart when the filming ends because tommy certainly can't feel the same way and he doesn't think he would be able to get over him before the promo and press cycles begin, especially when all everyone talks about is the chemistry between them

(unbeknownst to him, tommy is having a similar internal battle, berating himself for falling in love with his younger co-star who clearly only sees him as a friend and a mentor)

it all gets resolved at the movie premiere when buck confesses his feelings to tommy during a fit of jealousy over tommy's date. tommy kisses him about it for a long time before revealing that his date is actually his very straight best friend and assistant.

[midnight1nk]

This week's episode...

[spoilers below cut]

HELL YEAH another Three and Four episode!!! Time for my live reaction:

woah we're starting out here? i seriously did not expect that. sleepy little guys :)

also don't think i didn't spot Four's cowboy hat in the corner there (yes, i know it was shown in other episodes too)

Four, why are you busting into Three's room like that? Four?

guys, I think the "dating behind the scenes" might be true

Wait, hold up he did the same pose as Three's statue

I know this whole back-and-forth about the statue being Three or Four. Personally, I think it's Three, just the textures (his beard) didn't apply, but the fact that Four did this pose for a split second... c'mon...

"are you ready to make magic?" "what am i doing in your bed?" [*presses the pause button*] ...am I in the right episode? ...Four you can't say these things... c'mon dude...

lawyer meggy hi!!!!! :D can we bring her back please?

just the way that Three looks at Four's hand when Four held his shoulder is driving me insane

"the rosemary to my bread" that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard... (well aside from "hey dud listen to me" speech from IGBP and "the sight of that man shines brilliantly in my eyes" line from AA)

and indeed you can make bread with rosemary

alright everyone, time to make some rosemary garlic bread

well from the last episode, Four did have a theory on Mario being jesus/god so.....

Three: "me? :O" sorry I just love the delivery on that, also the flushed emoji image on his face. i can somehow see Three's face underneath it idk how to describe it...

Actually uh Four, why are you so eager to do a romantic episode, huh? And also imagining Three, huh? Four, you did confirm that Three has rizz from the elevator episode. You can't deny it dude, you love him.

THEY CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS

bro Four really is a hopeless romantic my god he's just like me fr fr

i swear they drive me insane. like you can argue that it's just luke and james having fun but i do like the idea that Four is the only other person besides Eggdog who can make Three laugh and smile. And Three being the one who can make Four laugh ever so much as memes can. it just makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside :)

they're in love, your honor 💙💜

I too just fade into a room when i am needed

LET FOUR RIDE THE TEACUP RIDE

AYYYYY GAY LAWYER DADS GAME GO BRRRRRRR

we need to get my boyfriend back (yes Four totally said this)

NO THREE DON'T DROP THE SOAP

oh hi Chris and Swag!!

"And they drive off." [*the meme machine just flies straight up*]

Three: "Man.. I think... he was my dad. :("

Four [*remembers that they came out of the USBs*]: "...ok."

Nah Four, let him COOK

Four: "we're never doing this again" CAP

Congrats windr31 for being at the end credits!

👏

It's crazy that literally every SMG34 artist drew this scene, I mean how could they not. btw every one of them is so good!

Man, I really loved this episode, just some silly chaotic fun with a side of SMG34 crumbs!!

I know the SMG4 and SMG3 episodes aren't associated with the plot or anything but it's really nice to see Three keeping his promise from IGBP:

Three: "We can make another."

And they did, multiple in fact.

It's really sweet how much their relationship changed over time and I think it might come into play somehow in WOTFI. Until next time, my dear fellows, take care!

[ofstoriesandstardust]

i miss you, i'm sorry (dani - twisters)

a/n: sooooo i know like four people will read this but twisters was for the bisexuals i said what i said. this is 3/4 of the way written but i was chomping at the bit to get this posted so it's just gonna be split up into two parts. comments and reblog are always appreciated! :) (part two here!)

summary: Seven years. It's been seven years since you broke up with Dani. Seven years since she left to go work for Tyler Owens all because you could never bring yourself to put a name on what she was to you. It's been seven years time since you've seen her. But she's here, in Oklahoma, working for the Tornado Wranglers with that little look in her eye at the sight of you in the StormPar uniform. Seven years and you know you still love her, even though you know you can't have her. It's been seven years. So how come she still looks at you like that?

warnings: car accident, tornados, minor injury, weather inaccuracies, swearing, scott i hate you, gay found family i love you

word count: 2.3k

“Yooooo! Looks like StormPar’s got a new crew!” Someone calls from across the parking lot, and the man from next to you, Robert, rolls his eyes. 

“Boone.” He mutters under his breath and you raise an eyebrow. 

“Is that some Southern insult I don’t know?” 

He shakes his head. “Boone. He’s one of the Tornado Wranglers.” 

“Which you all are to stay clear of. Fraternization of any kind is forbidden  and a clear breach of your contract. Any contact will have your position terminated.” Scott says, coming from the gas station. You swallow as Scott gives you a once over, before turning to the rest of the team. “Go on, take your last bathroom breaks before we head out there.”

You nod, crossing your arms as a tall man with a cowboy hat rounds the truck, sizing you all up. You follow the crew into the gas station, only planning to fill up your waterbottle and round the corner, running straight into someone. 

“Jesus, StormPar!” 

“Sorry!” You exclaim, stepping back as the girl bends down to pick up the snacks she dropped. Another girl rounds the corner and it feels like your heart stops beating for a moment as time slows down. 

“Lilly, you alright?” 

The girl, Lilly, dusts herself off as she stands up. “Yeah, ‘m fine Dani. Are you sure Boone asked for all of this?”

“You’ve changed.” Dani says, eyes roaming over your figure. 

“You haven’t.” You respond, swallowing around the lump in your throat. 

It’s true. It’s been almost seven years since you’ve seen Dani at this point and yet it feels like yesterday with the way she hasn’t changed. A mischievous twinkle in her eye, the short hair, cowboy hat. Even her sense of style hasn’t changed as she gives you a once-over. 

“The two of you know each other?” Lilly asks, a finger wandering between the two of you. 

Dani shrugs. “We used to.” 

“Lil, Dan, T says we’re rolling out.” Boone says, opening the front door of the gas station to shout out to his friends (co-workers?). You witness several of your colleagues heads swing towards you and you step aside, letting the two girls pass you. 

“The hell was that?” Scott says, stepping in line next to you. His jaw is set as he tracks the crew out to the parking lot. 

“Nothing.” You say as Scott raises his eyebrow, the tick in his jaw growing stronger. “I knew one of them in college.” You say and Scott’s eyebrows join together. 

“You heard what I said out there, yeah? This isn’t the time for you to be chumming it up with an old friend.”

You force a tight smile. “Yeah, I heard you Scott. Don’t worry about it, we left it on pretty bad terms as it was. There’ll be no revisiting old friendships, I swear.” 

“Uh huh.” He says, clearly unconvinced. “I’ll be keeping an eye on it.” 

-

“So how do you know dear old Dani?” 

You curse under your breath as Boone shouts out at you as you walk towards your motel room. 

“Boone, the fuck I’d say about leaving it?” The blond from earlier shouts back as he adjusts stuff on the truck. 

“T, I’m just asking what we’re all wondering!” 

Your eyes track the numbers on the door as you walk, realizing your door is right where they’ve set up camp. Because of course it is. 

“You know it’s rude to ignore people StormPar.” The man says more quietly when it becomes clear you’re ignoring them. You gently excuse yourself as you walk in between an older member of their team and a blond girl, both standing by the grill they’ve got set up. 

Someone says your name and you turn, finding Javi. Relief spreads through you, shoulders dropping at the sight of him before dying as quickly as it came. 

Right, right, Javi is like public enemy number one to Scott and Riggs, after he pulled out, taking his radars and most of his team with him. 

Javi’s fiery exit was the only reason you’d found yourself in Oklahoma instead of the corporate office in Texas, because Riggs had wanted someone on site, on the ground, to do damage control to StormPar’s image in case Javi had started to run his mouth. 

Javi had been at your interview, he’d been influential in bringing you on. He’d been your friend and you feel sick as you take a step back, eyes leaving his. Javi doesn’t notice, taking another step towards you with his arms out like he’s going to hug you. You take a few more back as he asks you how you’ve been, sentence trailing off as he realizes you’re trying to get away from him. 

“I told you, all StormPar dummies are born assholes.” Lilly mutters, tapping on the tablet she’s holding as she leans on Boone, but not quietly enough for you to miss it as you try to approach your door. You wince, shoving the key into the lock, pushing on the door as it sticks. You keep fumbling with it, inevitably dropping the key as tears blur your vision. 

Javi says your name and you blink back the tears stinging at your eyes, turning. “Javi, really- I’m not trying to ignore you or anything but- I could lose my job if I get caught talking to you and I need- you know I need this money.” 

“You look like hell.” He comments, sticking his hands in his pockets as his eyes roam over you. “Scott put you guys through the wringer today, at least take a burger. I know he ain’t paying for shit.” 

“I can’t.” You say as your eyes dart around, searching for any sign of the StormPar crew. 

“Kate, would you-“ The blond girl, Kate, nods, wrapping up one of the burgers the older man had just slid off the grill. 

“Javi, I really can’t take that.” You say as he offers it out to you. 

“Just take the burger.” Another familiar voice says and your eyes find the ceiling, tracking the flickering light illuminating this side of the hallway as you will yourself to vanish. “If you’re anything like you were then, you probably don’t eat enough as it is.” 

“I don’t need your charity, Dani.” You breathe. 

“It ain’t charity.” She says, falling next to the older man. “It’s just called being nice.” 

Your eyes flicker down to the burger Javi’s still offering you before darting around the parking lot. Most of your crew was staying on the other side of the motel and Scott had driven off half an hour ago to get dinner at some diner a town over. 

You hold your hand out for the food, which Javi places gently as his concerned eyes follow you, like you might spook. You turn, setting the key back in the lock, finally clicking this time, and you stumble into the musty room. 

You drop your stuff next to the bed, heading straight toward the bathroom. The flickering light turns on overhead with a low buzz as you take yourself in. 

Javi was right, you did look like hell. 

Your hair was sticking up at all angles and it was a miracle it even appeared in some semblance of a bun. There was mud tracked down your face and shirt, all caked on to your pants too from when you’d slipped, helping Liam with the radar. There was grass in your hair, stained on the whites of your shirt and you’re pretty sure there’s hay in the back of your pants. 

As you stand under the lukewarm water, picking clumps of mud out of your hair, you let your mind wander to the girl sitting outside. Occasionally, a loud burst of laughter would erupt and you could hear it through the thin walls. 

Seven years gone and seeing her here still made your heart ache. Seven years of failed flings, of ruined first dates, and you always thought of that girl. The girl who’d stood in your shitty studio apartment and cooked for you as you’d recount your lectures from the day, who talked you through essays and term papers despite having no college education herself. The girl who had been so sure of herself it had cost you your relationship. 

She seemed happier now, as much as that feels like a dagger to your heart. She seemed more full of life, more truly settled into who she was. Those weren’t just her friends out there, they were her family, and it’s a bittersweet feeling to know she had finally found what she was looking for without you there with her. 

You groan, scrubbing a hand down your face. The blond guy, T — why did he seem so familiar to you…

-

The sound of the door slamming behind Dani echos in your dream as you shoot up with a gasp. 

Tyler Owens

You blindly reach for your phone on the nightstand, pulling yourself up as you do. 

A frantic Google search tells you everything you need to know. 

-

The early morning light peaks into the window of the diner where all the StormPar crew had been instructed to meet. You’re too engrossed into the YouTube page with a million subscribers to notice someone sliding their plate down in front of you. 

You glance up at the sound, heart fluttering as you register Dani’s presence. “Didn’t know you were a fan.” She comments and you’re quick to click off your phone, setting it aside. 

“You know, when you said you were leaving ‘cause you had found a job helping a storm chaser named Tyler Owens based out of Arkansas, I didn’t quite imagine it would be all that.” You say with a small shake of your head before taking a bite of hash browns. 

There’s a beat as Dani studies you. You let her, all too happy to soak in her attention after the drought of not having her at all. 

“You really do look different.” She comments.

You shrug. “A couple of piercings and a haircut will do a lot of things for a girl.” 

“You look more yourself.” She says softly. 

You swallow, feeling your cheeks heat as you duck your head to avoid having to answer. 

It passes though, because she keeps talking. 

“I never really expected you to end up with a crew like StormPar.” She says, leaning forward on the table. 

You shrug again. “They pay decent and I need the money.” She purses her lips, clearly dissatisfied by your answer. You glance up at her, discomfort growing at the look on her face. “What do you want me to say Dani? I was broke as fuck, my family doesn’t talk to me. I had rent to pay and I needed groceries. I needed a job.”

She raises her eyebrows. “You don’t- you don’t talk to your family anymore?” 

You huff, sliding your plate away from you as you wipe your mouth. “Seriously? That’s the part you care about?” 

The doorbell jingles and you both turn, seeing the rest of the Wranglers walk in. You’ve learned all their names by now from the two hours you’ve spent watching their channel, learned the way they lean into one another, the way they bounce off each other’s energy. Behind them, you can see Scott’s car pull into the gravel parking lot. 

You sigh, pulling some cash out and setting it on the table. “Look Dani, I gotta go.” You stand up, feeling the eyes of her friends burn into you as you do. You pause, sighing. “I’m really happy you found what you’re looking for.” You say softly, rapping your knuckles against the table before turning, pushing past Tyler and Boone. 

Javi calls out your name but it gets drowned out in the jingle of the bell as you stride towards Scott. 

-

And so the next two months go. 

You and Dani pass each other everyday, like ships in the night.

Never any acknowledgment to who you were to each other or who you had once been. 

Scott gets more controlling, as the months go on. He’s fired three people for talking to  the Wranglers crew at gas stations or diners and another two for talking to them after hours in motel parking lots. He keeps a closer and closer eye on you despite you putting more distance between you and Dani. He’s practically breathing down your neck. 

With every storm that wrecks another town, Scott gets more tense and every failed scan riles him up. The scary vein in his neck pops out more often and every chase gets more terrifying, Scott pushing the limits every time. 

You know he’s pushing boundaries he shouldn’t, catching the way Javi had shouted at him after your last chase in the motel parking lot. Javi had made a huge scene, Kate and Boone having to pull Javi back as he shouted that Scott was going to get his whole team killed. 

Will it be worth it to Riggs then? When his entire team is a just another casualty number? Will it be worth it to him when his entire team becomes just another headline?

A shiver goes down your spine at the memory and Will, one of the new kids on the crew, looks at you. “You alright?” 

You give him a brief smile. “Yeah, fine. You’re gonna take a right up here.” 

Will, fresh from his first year of grad school and only here to complete a summer internship, adjusts his hands on the wheel nervously. “Are you sure this is a good idea? Scott seems unstable.” 

“I can hear you.” Scott’s voice crackles through the radio. 

“Well, you are.” James comments from the other vehicle. 

“Get to work, the lot of you.” Scott yells through the radio and Will flinches. You’ll be okay, you mouth to the kid and he nods uncertainly before pressing down on the gas. 

The rain starts a few moments later, appearing in a sudden torrential downpour, the wind whipping around you. 

“Oh fuck.” You whisper, craning your neck. “I think we’re in the path of the tornado.” 

And then everything goes black.

-

i love you, i'm sorry

[sir-buddy]

Headcanon time!

Okay, so you know how Jed and Octavius are obviously gay and the whole museum (and Nick) knows but doesn't say anything bc you have to just let them cook? Well, there's a betting pool.

It starts with a cowboy and a Roman joking about how their leaders are so painfully in love but don't say anything bc they're idiots and then the cowboy goes "I bet you five bucks that your general confesses first, Jed is shit with feelings," and then the Roman's like: "No way, Octavius can't articulate his emotions for shit, five bucks that Jedediah will do it first."

Word goes around the two dioramas and soon everyone's taking sides and placing bets behind their leaders' backs. Word spreads to Nick (who bets on Oct) and then he brings the betting game to the rest of the exhibits (Larry eventually joins in) and soon the whole museum's in on it.

Eventually Jed hears about some giant betting thing but the cowboys lie to him about what they're actually betting on bc they don't want him to know and Jed's like "fuck it" and BETS AGAINST HIMSELF ON ACCIDENT. (They told him it was a red vs blue debate and he voted red).

Anyway for funsies which one are you voting for? (This means a confession put into words. Third movie shenanigans don't count for this one.)

[meme-streets]

imagine you're sitting by the fire at night with your gay cowboy lover, sharing a flask of whiskey as he whispers sweet nothings in your ears. you can't hear a word he's saying over the lowing of some two thousand nearby cattle

[bilehwit]

Hi, another ask kinda indirectly related to the Bilehwit AU

But what are some of your personal headcannons about the bishops, that may or may not be in this au but as a personal interpretation of their character?

+ Who's your fav Bishop(excluding Narinder for now) ?

Favourite has to be Kallamar - gay coward??? Me coded fr fr.

That being said, I somehow always write more about Shamura???

But headcanons!

Kallamar:

🐙My man has a skin tone for gold, and he lets it be known by wearing enough to be heard janglin' a mile away.

🐙He has never once in his life done that! (He has done it 1 billion times, but he must appear better than thou.)

🐙Scared of Shamura when they're not lucid.

🐙Once drunk Leshy under the table only to then get decimated by Heket.

🐙Many spouses, does not like sexual activity. In my eyes he's asexual but a hopeless romantic.

🐙Will stop whole processions to look at bacterial growths on the floor.

🐙East Asian - South Korean, modern day would be a K-Pop beauty influencer.

Leshy:

🌱 Is Chaotic, but not in a fun way, more in a "Oh my God 3 people are dead" way.

🌱Used to biting to show affection.

🌱Cries when he's angry.

🌱Wants Shamura to be proud (they are.)

🌱Turns spouses into Witnesses. Also doesnt know what a spouse is/is for.

🌱Is the most physically violent.

🌱Ate scraps of metal on a dare (digested with no problems.)

🌱Russian.

Heket:

🐸Hates mushrooms (shockingly).

🐸Bought a cowboy hat.

🐸Likes to garden and cook but hates washing up.

🐸Says shit like "four score and twelve moons ago" to piss off Kallamar.

🐸Likes writing on Papyrus.

🐸Egyptian and will complain about heat.

🐸Lesbiab. Lesbaen. WOMAN LIKER.

🐸Tells you to go fuck yourself if you compliment her looks.

Shamura:

🕷When lucid, talks about the good old days.

🕷Most crimes committed as a mortal.

🕷Writes nursery rhymes for their followers.

🕷Used to have dancing rituals to gather sin - now can barely twitch their legs to a beat.

🕷"Oh, thank you Leshy- sorry, Narinder." "I'm Kallamar." "That's what I said." - common occurrence even before.

🕷Wants a pet so so bad. Do not give them one.

🕷Attracted to people with long hair and excellent grammar.

🕷Once did a kickflip so bad they had to kill the elderly congregation watching them.

🕷Tanzanian and speaks swahili when angry.

Narinder:

🪦Likes to bite Kallamar ("I can't help it, cats love fish." "I AM NOT EVEN CLASSIFIED AS A FISH." "You could be.")

🪦Indian, but spent so long in Purgatory he can no longer handle flavourful foods. At least at the start.

🪦Didn't realise Bilehwit had an ACTUAL CRUSH on him and thought they were like. Just that devoted. Pious. That's why they never took a lover.

🪦Cat baths when no one looks - gotta look constantly refined.

🪦Uses his third eye to scare people, namely children.

🪦I Would Never pt, except he definitely is still doing it while you watch.

🪦Finds children hilarious (to torment).

🪦Best dancer, worst singer of the Bishops. Can play music very well though.

🪦First time in Bilehwit's tent, he paid no attention because they were arguing. Then snuck in later to actually see the place.

And that's all my headcanons!

[mxlfoydraco]

I swear I liked a drarry reclist from you for this, but now I can't find it :x do you have any recs for drarry fics where Draco has muggle friends or embraces a more muggle lifestyle? Bonus points if Draco is gay in them because it pulls me out of the story if he has a single straight man thought....(I mean really....the audacity)

First of all, same. Second, I have a list, Draco in the Muggle World, I'm adding on:

Draco in the Muggle World Pt.2

The Liars Department by DorthyAnn (103k)

This is a story about Harry meeting up with Draco Malfoy four years after the war. And a story about Harry, well, not hating his job per say, but it's not like he has much to compare it to and it seemed fine. His whole life seemed fine. Then Malfoy came along with and his flashy suits and fast car making everything seem dull in comparison, and Harry... Harry couldn't just leave well enough alone.

Modern Love by @tackytigerfic (61k)

Harry Potter, of all people, knows that life isn’t always fair. And no one gets to be happy all of the time. But surely there’s something more—something better—than a rubbish Ministry job, and a lonely old house, and that feeling that everyone out there is doing a better job of living than Harry is. And it really doesn’t seem fair that Draco Malfoy is back in Harry’s life, all of a sudden, and even though he’s wandless, and living with Muggles, and making his mother cry with his lifestyle choices, he’s happy. So what’s he doing right, that Harry isn’t? Because things don’t really change, do they? And if Harry can’t be happy, he’ll settle for a good night’s sleep, some posh antiques, and the opportunity to find out what Malfoy has been up to for all these years. And that’s what starts it all.

Knead by @jovialobservationanchor (83k)

This is not a story about Harry renovating Grimmauld Place. This is a story about coffee shops and brewpubs, about Ginny and Luna on a farm with creatures, about magical Oregon, coastal road trips, flying, friendship, and Draco Malfoy’s lean arms.

The Man Who Lived by @e-sebastian (253k)

Draco breaks a cup, and one thing leads to another. A story of redemption, tattoos, dreams, mistakes, green eyes, long conversations, and copious amounts of coffee.

Set in New York twelve years after the war.

find a new place to be from by @oflights (47k)

Something is wrong with Malfoy Manor, and it’s driven Draco into the Muggle world. Thankfully, Harry is now on the case. A story about houses that haunt you and homes built for two.

you bring me home by @softlystarstruck (35k)

Harry is happy. He has his cat cafe and his hobbies. He has his friends, and Dolly Parton, and a shirt with a cowboy frog on it. It’s all a man needs, really. He doesn’t need to obsess over a magic-less, anxious Draco Malfoy coming into his cafe after disappearing from the wizarding world years ago. He doesn’t. Not even if the cats like Malfoy. Not even if Malfoy is soft, and funny, and a little bit neurotic. No matter how much he wants to obsess.

Sourdough by @academicdisasterfic (17k)

Draco writes romance novels and doesn’t leave his apartment much. Harry bakes bread and sells it to Draco. Draco is quite weird. Harry might like that.

Make Yourself by @anyaelizabethfic (103k)

Harry just wants to be safe within the freshly painted walls of Grimmauld Place, with his friends around him. But when he hears Draco Malfoy has been spotted at the local soup kitchen, he can’t help but encourage a different type of stray to come under his roof.

Star Quality by who_la_hoop (118k)

Two years after the war, and Harry’s content with his life. OK, so it’s a little annoying that he keeps winning Witch Weekly’s Most Eligible Bachelor award, and he’s really not looking forward to the unveiling of an enormous gold statue of himself, but he loves his friends, and he loves being an Auror. And if he yearns for something more, something he can barely bring himself to think about, well, he’ll probably get over it. No one’s happy all the time, are they? But then everything changes, and Harry’s thrown into a new and dazzling world he’s not sure he can actually escape from. And as time goes on, he starts to wonder: does he actually want to?

Rebel, Rebel by @makeitp1nk (28k)

Thirty-six year old Harry Potter is the coolest bloke in muggle Camden Town. That’s right — he’s left the wizarding world behind and has been living his best life ever since. But will one chance encounter with a certain blond from his past change everything? Yeah, probably.

(Un)wanted by @aibidil (36k)

Ginny's pregnant, then she's not and Harry's single. Harry, again with no family, doesn't know what to do with this turn of events, or how to find a new life—post-war, post-Ginny, post-abortion—in which he belongs. He doesn't expect that life to include dancing to the Backstreet Boys with Hermione and Draco Malfoy. A story of finding belonging in the unexpected.

The Miseducation of Draco Malfoy by @magpiefngrl (37k)

Zacharias Smith writes a tell-all about the D.A. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are not happy about it.

Had To Be You by @lettersbyelise (59k)

Draco Malfoy is possibly the last person Harry expects to find at the wheel of a Muggle car, on a beautiful summer day on the road to London. This is the story of how Harry runs into Draco once, twice, three times, and how he doesn’t leave their next meeting to chance. A fic inspired by When Harry Met Sally

Chasing Shadows by @manixzen (93k)

The murder of Lucius Malfoy seems impossible—no cause of death, no traces of spell-work, no potions in his system. The only leads Harry and his partner have are the trail of missing wizards the deeper they go. That and the help of the victim’s estranged son who now spends his time bartending at a queer-friendly Muggle pub. A case fic featuring a closeted Harry Potter, an out-and-proud, tattooed Draco Malfoy, and a murder mystery that seems to lead to more questions than answers.

coffee & communication: a (slow) romance by @softlystarstruck (10k)

Nearly a decade after the war, Draco has made a life for himself in Muggle London, writing romance novels and hanging out with his cat. But when he spills iced coffee all over a gorgeous man who turns out to be Harry Potter, has he tumbled into the start of his own romance without realizing it? And how difficult can it be to talk about desire, anyways? He writes smut for a living. Surely it can't be that difficult.

Meddling, Menswear, and Magic by @writcraft (18k)

Draco Malfoy is working in a job he hates and avoiding the magical world entirely, but he really is fine. When a bequest from Severus Snape brings Draco back to a much-changed magical world, he must find his place within it and navigate his growing attraction to Harry Potter in the process.

Way Down We Go by @xiaq (109k)

The war was over. Or at least that’s what the papers said. They’d been saying it, for months, as if people needed reminding. Maybe they did.

In which Harry and Draco both run away from their pasts and conveniently choose to hide in the same tiny American town. It’s super.

100 Beats per Minute by @oknowkiss (13k)

When Draco left the Magical World behind at nineteen, he didn't expect the cusp of thirty would find him comfortable and secure, with a stable life and a successful career as a sex columnist. Stable, that is, until he meets the subject of his newest column -- a stranger calling himself James, who has dragged them both to Ibiza on a sex quest of epic proportions -- and everything Draco ever knew turns upside down all over again.

Prats, Parcels, and Parseltongue by @ronbinary (10k)

Harry is the Muggle world's first snake-only veterinarian. Life is good, and calm, for once. Until Draco Malfoy shows up with a snake. And then another. And then he won't stop coming in.

Full by @orange-peony (16k)

The door opens and the bell goes ding. Draco’s eyes immediately fly to the entrance of his bookshop, his heart beating madly in the hope that it’s him.

The Year of Non-Magical Thinking by @whiskyandwildflowers (13k)

"I don't know what I'm going to do, Potter. I'll think of something. So will you. But this is my journey to self-actualization," Draco managed to smirk. "You can fuck off and get your own."

In the Shape of Things to Come by @academicdisasterfic (15k)

Existential angst and chronic boredom are plaguing Harry Potter in his cushy post-war life. However, a chance encounter with a tattooed, pierced, disgruntled Draco Malfoy in the middle of Muggle Camden seems to spark something in Harry again—and he never could stay away from Malfoy. Ft. assorted methods of body modification, eclectic but loving friends, a wide variety of grunge music, long tube rides, and a whole lot of trans love.

When You Kiss Me (What A Lovely Way To Burn) by @femmequixotic (22k)

A drag fairytale of New York in which Draco wears red lipstick and Potter can’t get enough.

Enjoy the Silence by @shealwaysreads (3k)

Draco stops speaking, gets some tattoos, and discovers that Harry’s happy to be quiet with him.

There's No Espresso in Azkaban by @sassy-cissa (7k)

When Harry finds Draco working in a Starbucks, he finds coffee has suddenly become more interesting.

Let Rainwater Wash Away by @carpemermaidtales (6k)

Harry really needed to learn the importance of carrying an umbrella. Or, maybe he didn’t, since not carrying one led him to stumble upon Draco Malfoy’s antique shop while seeking shelter from a thunderstorm.

Google drive link for all Gallaplacidia fics by @geesenoises

Exposure by GallaPlacidia (26k)

When Seamus uncovers Draco Malfoy’s camboy profile, he, Harry and Ron decide to anonymously book a private show so as to humiliate him later. Fascinated by Draco’s confidence, Harry keeps booking private shows under the disguise…

Can I Tell You Something by GallaPlacidia (33k)

It's not a party unless Draco Malfoy is there. He's so fun! So wild! So crazy! So many drugs! So many drugs. Too many drugs? Harry's starting to think it's probably a lot too many drugs. This is not a drug addiction recovery fic, although there is a drug addiction recovery. Feat. character development through wide-eyed MDMA trips and Draco Malfoy finding peace as a burlesque dancer.

[since64bce]

Trumper HC: AOT CHARACTERS AS TRUMP SUPPORTERS

I'm not in Amurica or nothin so idek the guy. All I'm sayin is I think he's a funny man so lets go baby yeehaw

CHARACTERS??: CONNIE AND SASHA, MIKASA, ERWIN, REINER, BERTHOLDT, HISTORIA, PIXIS, FLOCH Warnings: Racism, Sexism, ageism, STEREOTYPING, homophobia, transphobia, swearing, soft porn, guns, terrorism, mentions of violence and molesting. (istg im nitpicking here) A/N: pls don't report me.

CONNIE + SASHA 🥹💃🕺 (Cowboy conspirators)

-I have to group them together Im sorry

-"We juhst tew keids werkin togeyther on ower dayddies raynch in teyxas"🤓🤠

-Sashas fam are a few hardened Trump veterans (it's in the braus bloodline) can you imagine her father NOT being a republican smth

-Connies fam is the same.

-Both of their dads are those weird uncles u only see @ thanksgiving once a year. NOT WEIRD IN A PEDO WAY. They the ones who talk abt the flouride makin the rats n frogs gay an whatnot. its a whole thing.

-BAsically con man🧍‍♂️ and sack nut🧍‍♀️ spend their days chewing on straw and standing outside abortion clinics. 👫

-They're probably like 12 or somthing idk

-But yes they really like trump. Hail trump✋. Worship trump🙏. Trump trump trump. Donald J trump💋. Love trump🫶. want trump👀. lick trump🫵. kiss trump🫵. Trump 4 life💪. Trump all day baby🫦. Trump👨🏽‍🦲.

-Honestly they wanna see trump more than trump wanna see them.

-Actually trump don't want to see them.

-He'd get molested, turn around and there'd be two skanky ass lookin children standing behind him how horrific.💀💀💀

-These children aren't normal

-God bless murica ✊✊ yeehaw

Mikasa es tu casa (Chilled out chad)

-Mikasa is one of them chill ones that just mind their own buisness

-Unproblematic chad😌

-She sets an example for the rest of society and shes ripped so lets all take a leaf out of mikasas book shall we

-This aint aot fr this is america 🦅🦅🇺🇸🇺🇸 so she lived happily ever after with her mama and papa ok. no weird human traffickers or nothing🖕🖕. Her parents would've been quite traditional and conservative

-I think she'd believe in the nuclear family and gender roles and what not but her beliefs would be very mild

-You can't get her fuckin forearms from making sandwiches all day babes ❤️‍🔥💪

-but yeah shes a sweetheart ilhsm💋

-And lets just say her being a trumpee is like Gods way of containing this woman

-she wouldn't have missed fr🔫

-And God forbid if she did miss cuz otherwise she'd have gone up there and done it with her bare hands baby

-casual Trump enjoyer

Erwin👱‍♂️ (Facebook warrior)

-He's one a them grandaddy Trumps💪👴. There from the very beginning.❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

-You really think old people are bad at using technology?? WRONG.

-Levi helped him set up a facebook account 💋

-And It's the only fuckin thing he knows how to use on his computer. And he plays around on with his face this🤏 close to the screen, like gurl u don't need to do that 🧍‍♂️💀💀

-just use ur monacle or whatever🤷‍♀️

-But yeah whenever he comes upon gay 🌈🌈people posts on facebook my man has a heart attack. He clutches his chest falls outta his chair as he tries to get his breathing in control. 🤯😵

-Erwin will come across a post of two girls kissing an fickin collapse istg

-And then he'll get his talons out and start producing some juicy ass hate comments👹. He can't control himself, he's like a wild beast🥴😮‍💨, its like his arthiritis stricken claws have a gravitational pull towards that keyboard

-And he doesn't understand the whole algorithm thing either

There he squats with all these gay daddies on his facebook, hate spamming ALL of them AND HE STILL DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY FACEBOOK KEEPS SHOWING HIM THESE POSTS🤬🤬😡🫣🤷‍♀️

-He suffering multiple heart attacks a day people get this man off facebook🙌

-And then Levi will come over and see that Erwin has been writing hate comments under pictures of mens bulges on his computer🧍‍♂️

-Who gave this guy the tech knowledge to b able to cyber bully but not to close his damn tabs sheesh

-He's also become a top poster on one of the Trump groups that he follows ✊✊

-Also he uses the N word a lot 🧍‍♂️

Mr big tits (Bible, BBQ and an AK47)

-Oh my dear lovely big breasted Reiner Braun🍒🍒

-tells everyone abt how his papi went to 'nam and died when in reality his papi waz just a bich and left early🤫

-Not enough valour for him ig

-Even tho homeboy aint in the army 🫡 anymore he still stocks up more ammo than his local police department. 🫶🫰

-Hes just a🔅 cutesy little😻 hoarder with a cuetsy little collection of firearms too. 🤤🥰💖🩷🩵💙

-he will also wear cammo vests to the supermarket just to buy himself some spinach. He's a cammo boy. It's all he wears. 😮‍💨

-Aside from his gun collection and cammo obession, Reiner also loves a bit of BBQ here and there.

-believes the Founding Fathers’ original intent included God, guns, and smoked brisket.💪💪🦅🦅

-And country music of course.

-He's just a casual guy nothing too extreme😎🤠

-He owns a pair of american flag speedos tho, is confused as to why people need so many pronouns and passively aggressively competes in lawn care comps with his neighbor

-Somebody make this guy a father pls🥵😳🫃

Bechtolsheim :))))🦒🦒(Wall enthusiast)

-Oh my berty boy whom i love love love😤💕

-Let us b true with ourselves guys mr daddy long legs🕷️here has all our hearts and souls encaptured in his nice ol sweaty palms. I can tell ya now he's a man of the lord. He's down on those knees for j-dawg night'n day bro 🙏. He daps up the homeboy holy spirit on his way to bible study wit Reiner. ✝️✝️🫰

-Boy sure knows how to resist those temptations. Satan who? Sorry, B-dawg doesn't know him

-Everyone just thinks he's a nice guy 🧍🏽... which he is obv 🙄

-(In the daytime🌞, he's bertholdt, just a normal gurl💅🫦, living a normal life😸😝... but theres ✨something✨👁️👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 about him🧌🥸😱 that, no one ⁉️knows yet⁉️.... 🤨🧐cause he has secrets🤭🥵🥵👹👹👹......)

-he used to b part of a terrorist group.

-☠️

-BUT HES IS(IS) A NICE GUY HE WAS JUS A LIL BIT CONFUSED BACK THEN an thats okay baby everyone gets a bit confused sometimes.

-AND this was before he met God mkay.

-But yeah, now bertholdt has a burning descrimination against muslims.

-Its the trauma man.

-His stereotyping and racism is like a festering cancer, he fights it everyday like a champ 💃💃✊

-And what does this have to do with being a trumpee you might ask?🧐

-Immigration.

-He wants em' all deported

-SOMETIMES Berts inner darkness wins out. He wants to forget his past, he wants to throw it right outta his window!... and out of his country....🦅🦅🇺🇸🤠🍟🍔

-This boy has seen some stuff🙇🏻🥺. And he's slowly getting better with his muslophobia. He tries. The lawd is his chemo, slowly trying to vanquish this dark dark part of himself 👿🦹, bit by bit.

-Never underestimate the power of the lord. Amen.😗

(All u christians go hard tho fr, mad respect. And all u muslims out there we buddies, go snatch that Quran and be a boss kachow)

Historian Reiss (Progress? Don't you mean bull-kaka?)

-SOMEBODY CALL THE TRAD WIFES UP IN HERE👰‍♂️👰‍♂️👰‍♂️👰‍♀️👰‍♀️👰‍♀️👰‍♀️👰‍♀️

-Girly says that the 1950s were PEAK even tho the closest thing to diversity back then was whether or not u liked jazz 🎶🎶😎

-Oh yeah she sure misses them polio days 🤤😻

-But in all seriousness she probs wears those big pantaloon undies😱🥶 like gurl u aint going parachuting thru the clouds just wear normal ones

-She's always googling how to make her child rearing hips bigger🤰🤰

-Not a single pair of pants in HER wardrobe. Not that she'd be able to wear them with her double storage solution underpants. Dresses and skirts ONLY.

-Also they must all be FLOOR length to hide those temptatious ankles🥵🥵😩

-Our modest queen🫡

-She aint trust no supermarket ultra processed shit food either she gets her eggs straight from her own chickens ass🦆 and she grows her own veggies n stuff. Good for her 🤙💪💪

-Although she did once collapse ffrom an iron deficiency cuz she couldn't find her own meat source poor girl

-she hit her head and was unconious for lik 3 days

-Her neighbors saw her undies before they saw her🪂🪂🪂

PIXIS (Mommy, can we put grandpa back into the retirement home now?)

-Bros worse than the braus and springer daddies👹👹👹👹

-He could not only write an entire 500-chapter-50k-words-per-chapter-ten-part book series abt gay frogs🫦, fake moon landings🙀, reptilian politicians🐸, 5G towers, Big pharma, chem trails🥵😷 ect ect ect but he could fact check the entire thing with blurry memes off facebook sent to him by his cousin randy

-He's a fuckin conspricay chad, unstoppable, admirable, irrestistable, alcoholic, crazy, cute🥺, chic, chadilicious bald man👨🏽‍🦲👨🏽‍🦲

-His children shipped him off to a home as soon as he turned 60 and his knee vaguely started hurting

-Hes too powerful

-Pixis does gets invited to special occasions tho cuz his family feel slightly bad

-He be an anti-science, pro magic, potter grade, wizard baby🧙‍♂️. Of course the government control the weather, of course climate change isn't real. 🤷‍♀️

-And he tell everryyyboodddyyy @ the dinner table baby👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

-There are actually 8 wonders of this world. His offspring. How the. frick did they turn out so normal?🤨

-Anyways he managed to manipulate his son in law once and accidently caused a divorce

-Now he only gets invited to christmas

-And somehow he sneaks flasks of whatever into his nursing home illegally seals them out to all his nursing home pals.

-He's got an army of at least 15 of them that he's planning a coup with.🥳😏

-He also owns a MAGAs hat and suffers from mild heartburn because he only eats steak

Floch (LIBERATE THE MEN, WOMEN ARE THOTS)

-Another country boy but hes a skinny country boy who doesn't own a diesel guzzling man truck or get high blood pressure from eating steak 24/7.

-He lives wit his mama and eats the pasta salad she makes him for sunday lunch. 🧑‍🌾

-But yes he's still a freaky lil fanatic👹🧑‍🌾

-Imagine he lives in a world without pimp-dawg Eren Tate-ger. Whose Floch supposed to follow??? huh??? Donald thats who. Donald trump💪🦵.

-And andrew tate of course👨🏽‍🦲

-He's one of them red pillers who can sniff out a womans virginity from a mile away

-"Wats ur body count???"

-and hes very patriotic too:

-TRUMP IS JESUS 2.0, MY MAN THONG HAS AN EAGLE ON IT,CKAWW CAWW CAWWWW SAY YOU CAN SEE BY THE DAWN EARLY LIGHT WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAILED AND THE TWILIGHTS LAST GLEAMING🦅🦅🏈🏈🇺🇸🇺🇸???!!!!???? DADDY TRUMPS TAN IS NOT FAKE GUYS WTFFF😡😡😡😡🤬🤬🤬🖕🖕🖕

-He's like a freaky little jehovah's witness guys

-he's so alpha dont you think?🐺🐺🐺

A/N: Sorry I think i fell off a bit at the end but I couldn't b bothered. Also yes ik the bertoldth one was a little wild but dont report me babes thank u very much. later losers.

[fisheito]

for the question thing!!! do you have any silly hcs about the clan boys (+ the familiars/eito)? can be as wild as u want

sorry in advance if i don't have any HCs for ur beloveds bc i can only offer what my brain chooses to fixate on.... but let's see........

i like to imagine clan members enjoying fun little hobby hours

i pretend they're not busy adults with their own obligations and schedules.... so they just get together like a bunch of retirees and partake in shared hobbies whenever they want 🤗

e.g.,

book club: oli, blade, yaku, garu

horny book club: eiden, morv, blade, edmond if he works up the courage to discuss his fave BDSM PwP short novel with the 3 most shameless creatures ever ... honestly oli could join as well but i'm gonna excuse him from ONE book club so he can get some sleep. maybe he'll alternate days between the two 😆

sewing and knitting together like a couple of serene grandmas: yakuoli. eiden joins sometimes (all serenity is lost when he does)

TARGET PRACTICE! NEW ACTIVITIES!!! DARTS!! ! PIN THE TAIL ON THE EDMOND! sorry idk this is just my way of saying that after the cowboy event, i want to imagine edmond/dante/garu all playing target striking games and it becomes a contest of how split one dart can be down the middle (you can't all be perfect aimers ok aster can't keep buying new darts can u PLEASE throw them anywhere but dead centre).

i know blade could join as well but would it take the competition aspect out of it? he's kind of calibrated to never miss right?? it's not a game anymore. it's just superior blade and pissed off dante and garu cheering (he's just happy to be there) and edmond trying to be civil about letting everyone participate

they are out in the garden. touching grass: yaku is gardening. blade is collecting bugs. garu is digging holes. kuya is bewitching plants at random to spew sex pollen into someone's face (i feel like this is his superpower in SEVERAL fics and i am not complaining). quincy is trying to nap

.but .

he chose the worst place to do it. in the middle of nature's playground (aster's garden)?

garu's kicking up dust into his face. blade is shoving random insects into his face and asking identification questions. yaku screams when he inevitably falls to the kuya traps. kuya can't resist watching the little ones (yakugaru) play with dirt. WHY would you choose to sleep here.

(Topper is nibbling all the edible plants in the garden while skillfully avoiding all the porn plot traps with his superior Toppinstincts)

now for 3 ! single character HCs.......

kuya: wanders the marketplace, and often sees those anti-aging creams with LOFTY claims to their power... he always mocks them and insults the intelligence of all the vain people clamouring to buy the stock. later that day you will see kuya at home, trying those very same creams (procured illegally, of course, because why pay for anything ever) and pretending like he's zero percent interested in the results

rei: in the same situation will just as quickly mock the creams but unlike kuya he'll mean it and will NOT be caught applying the gloop all over his face later. "lmao it's just sunscreen who even believes this shit"

yakumo: i like to give him sneczema sometimes. i know it's implied that everyone in gay gacha has perfect skin forever *waves hand dismissively* BUT

imagine that he loves working with his hands but the sneczema can flare up if he's too rough on em, so he compromises by wearing his gloves. protect that vulnerable skin, yaku!! [insert pun about scaly skin]

His SR clothing material seems soft. Aesthetic reason: slippery smooth like the idea of snek. Practical reason: coarse textures can aggravate skin 😔 only the silkiest coverings for a scaly boy...

i mean. yaku prefers the wet cave environment so we gotta keep an eye on his humidity. too dry and he'l'l turn into a wafer (like in Solaria that One Time)

is this just an excuse for me to mist him with a spray bottle ? at random times because it just seems like fun? perhaps. spritzspritz