#can't drive no resources and can't even have anyone to talk to about it because everybody's so vapidly superficial these days anywhere you

[skinnypaleangryperson]

Life would have been so beautiful if people in this generation had decided to actually care about each other instead of arguing on apps all day. For example, I would be alive by 40. Lol

[dynamic-swap-au-archive]

I'd like to offer gorillaz fans (and Potential gorillaz fans) another resource that I've spent over a year creating and perfecting.

The Gorillaz !

This playlist is, to the best of my ability, Every Single piece of gorillaz content that can be found on youtube in story order.

all of the music videos, all of the indents, all of the interviews, animations, radio shows, news specials, podcasts, audio books, tiktoks, Everything.

on top of that ! I made the decision to include select fan content! because Frankly the gorillaz fandom is unimaginably talented and creative. this includes Fully animating several music videos that were cancelled, but given to us in animatic form, original animations, animatics, and storyboards, fan visualizers and recreations of live visuals, even voice fan dubs for written material like the interviews and novels.

and more than that, with the (incredible) fan content that was available I've Also been able to flesh out the stories of each phase! a decision I made due to the plastic beach, the third album, never getting to finish the story officially (leading to the band breaking up and coming back 7 years later).

I'm so proud of what I've been able to do with it ! and even happier to share the picture I've been able to make as a whole :>

below the cut I'm going to include several other playlists that are based on this one, but made to be more digestible and less intimidating for newcomers ! as well as many other resources to fill in the gaps that this playlist can't ! (namely the written material)

thank you ! and I hope I can share something I love with all of you !

First is the simplest ! all of the music videos in order ! (plus a Few indents, because I can't help myself): [Link]

this obviously means that you lose out on quite a bit of context, as much of who the characters are as People and their relationships together are in the extra material (especially the shorts and interviews). BUT

this is the most Accessible, and also really convenient if you just want to vibe to the music. if you're not sure if you want to commit this kind of time to a cartoon band, consider checking this out! you may find yourself interested enough to learn more, or you may just have a good time and feel satisfied with what you've seen ! either way I'd be honored to have helped :>

Second, the Midpoint between these two extremes !: Phase 1-3 [Link] Phase 4-7 [Link]

these Include extra material like the shorts and animation, but Cuts Out some of the longer content like the podcasts and interviews! you can still get a pretty good idea about what happens in the story of each phase watching this, but it's not bogged down by videos that are hours long.

it'll give you a clearer picture of what's going on, include fun side content, while being less intimidating than the Full playlist. this is what I use to show my friends gorillaz !

alright, so you've got just the music videos and just the short stuff, now lets try just the Long stuff. all of the interviews, radio shows, podcasts, Etc: [Link]

maybe you've used my last playlists and now you'd like to listen to some of those long form videos you missed out on. maybe you just want to listen to these characters talk because it's Nice. either way, it's all here :> (I know, because I had to upload some of them myself)

Pirate Radio: [Link]

it's all here with One technical exception. pirate radio was the serial radio show for plastic beach/phase 3, that gave us insight into murdoc's frame of mind as a character. it Also used copywriten music. the reuploads on youtube cut the music out (likely because they wouldn't be available otherwise), while this google drive has the full unedited audio files if anyone would be interested!

this one may seem redundant, but I promise it isn't. All of the gorillaz albums in order: [Link]

this playlist (for the most part) doesn't Have any visuals, it's Only the music.

likewise, all of the music in the previous playlists are only those songs that Have visuals (official or fan made), which means not all of gorillaz's music is present! which is exactly what this is for :>

you have every album in order, filling in the gaps of what's been missed, As Well As special albums that are Associated with gorillaz, and gorillaz' guest appearances in other people's music !

now we're out of my playlists and into other resources :>

Lobotomy Pop: [Link]

this is a website that's worked for years to preserve and organize Every Single written interview gorillaz has ever done ! it's an invaluable resource and really just very cool.

it also categorizes several other things ! such as listing out all of the personal playlists the gorillaz members have put out over the years, or every profile that's ever been written for the characters ! it's very much so worth checking out as a fan.

Gorillaz Art Archive: [Link]

exactly what is says on the tin ! this is a google drive that's attempting to archive Every Single piece of official gorillaz art that was released from phase 1 in 2001, to phase 5 in 2018. it is Massive and it's such a joy to have access to

The Kong Files: [Link]

if you were wondering why the art archive stopped at 2018, this would be why ! the kong files has much the same goal, but instead picking up at phase 6 and continuing on Theoretically forever ! or at least it's kept up with all of phase 7

that said ! the kong files is attempting to document Everything relating to those phases. so all of the social media, all of the music videos, all of the written text, Everything !

I wouldn't try to Only use this for watching phase 6 and 7, but it's an Excellent resource for everything that could fall between the cracks

Rise of the Ogre on Archive dot Com: [Link]

rise of the ogre was an official novel released at the end of demon days (the second album/phase 2), that covered the entire history of the band up until that point! their backstories, how they met each other, what they'd gotten up to in the 10 years they'd known each other, and the shocking event that happened at the very end of the phase and the band's reaction to it. all leading in to plastic beach, (arguably) the Most story heavy phase of them all.

as I understand it, this novel has been out of print for a very long time and is quite expensive to buy second hand. so ! it's been scanned and uploaded here to the archive! there's actually several more scans available in the gorillaz art archive, but this is the most recent (having been uploaded just earlier this year).

Dawn of the Ogre: [Link]

dawn of the ogre is the fanmade sequel to rise of the ogre, attempting to fill in the gaps of what happened at the end of phase 3, the 7 year gap, and up to the (then) newest point of canon.

this is, of course, unofficial. so this is essentially fancy fanfiction. But it's extremely well done fanfiction that happens to be novel length, attempting to emulate the style of the original novel, and is fully illustrated. along with being available completely for free!

I'd definitely give it a shot, if you're the type of person who's already read rise of the ogre

the gorillaz wiki !: [Link]

I have no clue what the fandom thinks about it, but it was absolutely invaluable both in making my playlist, and becoming a fan at all. with all the work I've done my hope is that people won't need to go digging for themselves, but the Option is certainly always nice !

I'd Especially like to highlight this page [Link] which has transcriptions for all of the pirate radio show episodes !

I feel like there's a lot to find here :>

and of course, my own dynamic swap au archive! [Link]

if you've fallen in love with gorillaz and are desperate for more to sink your teeth into, then I couldn't recommend this enough !

keep in mind that these resources will continue updating ! as new music is created and new fan content is made! I'm keeping my eyes out on a fan project for a fully animated mv right now that I'm sure will make it to my playlists one day :>

[yes-i-write-fanfiction]

In the TFP Zombie Apocalypse AU, what would happen if during a rather intense raid or mission involving the dead, one of the kids quietly walks up to the bots privately to show them a fresh bite mark on there arm?

-Optimus feels defeated. He feels like he's failed another innocent soul and this time, someone so young. But for all the despair he's feeling, Optimus promises to stay with the kid until the very end, to keep them company and provide them the comfort they deserve until they... he can't bring himself to finish the sentence. He will express his sadness, his feelings of guilt, but he will stay strong for the child, because he knows that they need him. He tells them about Cybertron, the legends of old, weaving magnificent tales full of wonder and magic. He knows that he's only distracting them (and in certain extent, himself) but he does not want them to spend their last moments afraid. It's only afterwards that Optimus will allow himself to break down, to grieve.

-At first, Ratchet considers amputation of the arm. It's a fresh bite, it might not be too late. If this does not work, he still refuses to give up. He becomes determined, almost obsessed, with finding a cure and saving the kid. He can do it, he just needs to work harder, needs a little more time, more resources- It's only when the symptoms progress to a stage that any potential recovery is impossible that Ratchet breaks down, forced to accept reality. He hates himself, hates how despite all his proclaimed knowledge and skill as a medic, he still can't save them. He apologizes to the kid, tells them how sorry he is that he's so useless. Will stay with them till the end, making sure that they are comfortable and in as little pain as possible, and afterwards he doubles down on his research into a cure.

-For a few seconds, Bumblebee is in denial. This is not funny, stop that, you're not bitten, shut up, you're ok! But he's quickly forced to face the truth when he sees the expression on the kid's face. He races back to base and begs Ratchet to please, do something! Bee knows that there is no cure but he's not ready to accept it, still in denial about what's going on and what's going to happen. When Ratchet tells him that there is no cure, Bumblebee breaks down. He holds the kid close and he wails, begging them for forgiveness for not being able to protect them. Knowing that they only have a short while left before they succumb to the infection, Bee takes the kid out on a ride. It doesn't feel right for them to stay in base, in some sickbed and just waiting to die, so he turns on the radio and plays their favorite music the entire time. He only stops driving and lets them out after its over.

-Bulkhead feels powerless. He's used to problems he can confront and solve with his fists, to powering his way through any situation and using brute force to save the day. There's no fighting his way through this. There's no enemy he can beat that will save the kid. He can't do anything so help them, he's helpless to do anything but watch. Bulkhead talks to the kid, expresses his remorse but dares not yet to grieve, not while they are still alive because grief is for the dead and gone. So he asks them, is there anything they want to do? Maybe shoot one of his guns, blow up a building, or maybe just talk? Whatever they want, he'll do it. Anything so he won't be reminded of just how useless he's feeling. When the time is close, Bulkhead will put them out of their misery. They will die human and with the peace of mind that they won't hurt anyone.

-In a way, Arcee had always suspected that things would turn out this way. The people she care about, those she tries to protect, always seem to die the saddest deaths. Now the kid is just the latest in a long line of people that is probably going to grow even longer. It doesn't make this any easier though, maybe because she expected them to have more time. Arcee makes it clear that she's sad but stays strong and takes the kid to a location with a nice view. If they're lucky, maybe there's a sunset or a clear night sky. She will talk with them, really talk with them, honestly answer every question they have and open herself up in a way she's never done before. And then, she will ask them if they want her to put them out of their misery. If they don't want to, then she will just resume talking. But if they do... she will tell them just how much she'll miss them before ending them with a single shot. Afterwards, Arcee grieves the only way she knows, through violence and revenge, which manifests itself as her going out of her way to kill as many zombies as possible.

[howlingday]

Personally, if I wrote for Vol 8, I wouldn't have some big argument about Yang and Blake telling Robyn about Amity. I would have just had someone bring it up, Yang and Blake try to justify what they did, and then everyone just glares at them. No shouting, no arguing, just cold glares telling the two of them they messed up. Imagine how heart wrenching (but a little badass) it would be if Yang tried to get Ruby to agree, only for her little sister to shut her down and go into leader mode, not wanting to hear Yang explain how she and Blake broke her's, Weiss, and Team JNPRr's trust. Imagine Blake and Yang seeing that, while their hearts where in the right place, their actions had personal consequences. The amount of drama and tension would have been soul crushing, but so reliving when they reunite back at the mansion and get to have a proper talk. (Sorry that I keep bringing this up. I'm a little hyper on sugar at the moment)

Nah, nah, it's cool.

Rewriting Volume 8, though... It could be written better. Starting off at right about... "Worst Case Scenario". Right after Ironwood gives the order to capture Robyn Hill and Tyrian Callows, we cut to Blake and Yang talking about whether or not they should have told Ironwood about what they learned about Salem. Yang says that he should know because he deserves to know what he's getting himself into, "like we all did". Blake argues that Ironwood would just overreact, like he's doing now with his plans for martial law, to which Yang agrees, but mostly because there's not a lot of good options for their current situation. And then...

Oh... Oh god dam- MOTHER FUCKER! THEY DID REFERENCE ADAM! Fucking- AGH! THIS is your attempt at giving us closure about them murdering Adam?! Just vaguely referencing what happened in Seeing Red?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Anyways, Yang then comes up with the idea to not ambush Robyn. When they finally catch up to her, they try to reason that Ironwood already knows about the supplies missing and how he plans on sending more than "just a couple of kids". Robyn then shows off her semblance, natural lie detector that she is, and learns that Ironwood is using the Amity Colosseum to build a new communication tower.

They then discuss what Ironwood is trying to accomplish with all this secrecy, and to be honest, I can't argue with his logic. Salem is coming to Atlas, as evident by the presence of Tyrian Callows, who Ironwood knows is in her inner circle. Trust is a big part of the Atlas arc, and Ironwood can't trust anybody but himself. Enacting martial law would give him a tighter grip on control on the kingdom, allowing him to personally redirect resources and manpower wherever without any civilian or rebel interference. And what would happen if everyone knew about Amity Colosseum being used this way? Well, Tyrian is going to go on another killing spree until there's enough Grimm there to prevent ANY construction. Salem is playing a game where she has every advantage.

But back to Yang and Blake telling everyone everything, it's shortly after this that player three enters the chat. Knock, knock, who's there?

It's HER... with HER.

These two menaces show up and drive the schism even further after Ironwood decides to tell everyone about Salem. Unfortunately, even after collaborating with Robyn Hill on this, he becomes injured fighting Arthur Watts and orders martial law to be enacted, resulting in THE DUMBEST FIGHT IN RWBY HISTORY! ...But I digress. Anyway, Ironwood can't trust anyone anymore and, in his defense, he didn't think to ask Robyn if she or anyone she knew was working with Salem. Not accusing her of it, but I still feel like if you're paranoid to think that anyone could be working with Salem, you'd start having a woman who can get you an honest answer on your staff ASAP. Then Ironwood makes his plan known after Salem makes her presence known, and Team RWBY stand together when Ironwood makes the decision to raise Atlas into the sky. Team RWBY stand against him, leading us to probably the second-best fight of V7 (if it's war that you want, then you got it! If it's pain, then I've brought what you need! If it's true what they say, that you're the best, then let's play!). Ruby quickly lets JNR and Oscar know before martial law is established and the group becomes public enemy number one.

But hold on! When does Ruby and Yang start yelling at each other? When do we get to an actual answer to the ask? Well, I guess it comes in the next Volume, right after a word from our sponsors!

And we're back! Welcome to V8, where we can finally have the answer to the question of "How should Ruby have reacted?" First, real quick, here's why she didn't respond before; General Ironwood dropped the bigger truth bomb, and Salem dropped the biggest truth bomb by saying "Your mother."

Honestly, we were about to get a Ruby v. Yang matchup until Ren stepped in to remind everyone that the plot is happening, and he just wants to get this Volume over with already. Straight from "Divide":

Yang: What you’re saying is it can’t be done. It’s pointless. And even if you got the message out, there’s no guarantee help would come. Ruby becomes annoyed while Yang speaks. Ruby: It’s not pointless! Atlas is only Salem’s current target. She’s not hiding anymore and once she’s done here she’ll move on to the rest of Remnant. We need to warn them! Yang stands in silence for a moment. Yang: Ruby… when we came here, we said we’d follow your lead… but... things haven’t exactly worked out. Ruby recoils somewhat with a mix of emotions on her face. Yang’s statement elicits various reactions from Weiss, Nora, Oscar and Penny, as well. Yang: I just-- Ren steps forward, interrupting Yang. Ren: There are people here who need us right now.

And again, I reiterate, ad nauseum, RWBY focuses too much on the plot to let their characters be themselves. That's why we never got a beach episode. If the plot WASN'T happening so much, we'd probably get a scene like this...

Yang: I just- Ruby steps closer. Ruby: You just what? You just thought you'd go off on your own behind our backs? Do things without telling us? Yang huffs, narrowing her eyes at Ruby. Yang: You're not the boss of me, Ruby. Ruby: I'm your leader! I am EXACTLY your boss! Yang: You don't to make my decisions for me! Ruby: After everything you just did, as your leader, clearly, I do! Blake steps closer to Yang and Weiss steps closer to Ruby. Yang then raises her hand to Ruby's hood, her eyes flashing red for a moment before she softens and lowers her hand. She then walks away to lean against the wall. Yang: Yeah... Okay... Whatever you say, miss "leader". Weiss and Blake let out sighs and relax a bit, though Ruby does cast a glare at Blake for a moment, making her flinch. Ruby then walks away, as distant to Yang as she could. Ren then steps closer, looking uncomfortable as he glances between the feuding sisters. Ren: ...So, uh, what should we do now?

AAAAAND scene! How's that? This also sets up for Blake and Ruby apologizing later in their episode of infiltrating AND sets up for a much more touching reunion between Yang and Ruby!

[goombasa]

SLARPG and Writing Good Relationships

So originally this was an idea I was going to try and make a video about not long after Super Lesbian Animal RPG came out. Due to a number of factors, that obviously never happened, but it's a topic that I do want to at least talk about, both because I think it's a fun discussion to have, and because I just love this game so much. It's like… it's really, really good, guys.

Super Lesbian Animal RPG (heretoafter referred to as ‘SLARPG’ for simplicity) is a turn-based RPG released in December of 2022. It was created and published by Ponett, largely a one-person development team headed by Bobby Schroeder, someone who I was already familiar with via their blog “Thanks, Ken Penders”, an analysis and retrospective of the various Sonic the Hedgehog comics published by Archie and written by Ken Penders.

The game boasts a banger soundtrack, and beautifully realized world that combines magic and technology together in interesting ways, fun and colorful character designs and a simple combat system that makes you think about what sort of moves you have the resources for in the moment, with a difficulty curve that is just right. Even at the peak of your power by the end of the game, you can't just steamroll everything, and the game wants you to keep paying attention from the start of the game all the way to the end.

But at its heart, the real driving force in its narrative, at least to me, is the relationship between our main character, Melody, and her best friend, now girlfriend, Allison. Their relationship is beautiful in how its portrayed, mostly because it doesn't try to present their romance as anything special. They goof off, they joke with one another, they speak casually, but they aren't dramatic about their own relationship, it feels completely natural. You are very aware of the fact that these two were very close friends before they started dating, just from listening to the two of them chat with one another. It's not only very cute, but it also grounds the two of them as a very normal, relatable couple, despite being adventurers for hire in a world where they regularly fight off slimes and minor nuisances around their own.

Watching their relationship grow as the game goes on, with the stress of an invading, reality-warping force coming after their world, is fascinating, because despite the adventure, a lot of what happens with them is very mundane. We see the two of them confront their personal hang ups, we see the two of them eventually have a full communication breakdown that actually really hurts their relationship for a while, but despite the situation that causes it, the way that they work around it, and how they handle it, it all feels so real. Their observation that they felt like they were tiptoing around each other, worried about upsetting one another before their first big argument was such a massive moment for me especially, that I felt myself kind of deflate in relief in my chair after witnessing it.

(I'd give more context, but I really want anyone who hasn't already to play this game, so please, please, if you want more context for what I'm talking about, go and play this wonderful game!)

Melody and Allison's relationship is also contrasted well with their other party members. Jodie, who is the most experienced adventurer in the group, was already in a relationship pre-game with the Guardian (leader of the paladins), Faith. Her relationship is stable, but the workload placed on faith, and her own job as an adventurer does mean that their professional lives often lead to separation between them, and while they love each other, they do realize that finding a good work/life balance is something they need to adjust to, even after being in a relationship for a while. But because their relationship is more mature, the two of them are pretty good at handling their rockier challenges in their relationship, at least for what we're shown of it.

Then there's Claire, who definitely has one of the bigger character arcs in the game, with her journey being just as much centralized on finding value in herself before she actually ends up in a relationship, which is another good contrast because it relates back to Melody's struggles with her own self image as well. These relationships and stories could have easily just been their own standalone stories with no real bearing on the main plot, but the relationships, both romantic and platonic, are woven into both the main conflict and each other's relationships so well that it feels as though they grow as a group as well as individuals.

Relationships are also woven into gameplay as well. Not so much that they are the major focal point of combat, but in smaller ways that are meant to reinforce the relationships between characters. Characters that are in a relationship for example, can choose to take a turn to smooch their significant other, which gives a temporary buff to the participants' stats. There's even a counter in the pause menu that keeps track of the number of smooches you've given. It doesn't affect anything, but it's a cute addition. This gives certain events in the story more weight when you temporarily lose access to the ability to smooch. It is integration between story and gameplay that I love to see in my RPGs.

The game is really a romance disguised as a traditional, adventurous RPG. It's main focus is on its characters and their building relationships. That is the main focus, and because of that, the romance and everything related to it feels front and center, but not separate from the main plot. The two are woven together wonderfully in their themes and experiences, and that, to me, makes this one of the best written romance games I have played, and I'm counting games where getting into a relationship is the main focus.

If you're looking for some wonderfully written characters, a nostalgic feeling RPG systems from the 16-bit era, some clever writing, and a colorful adventure, Super Lesbian Animal RPG is absolutely something you should play. It is absolutely worth its asking price and I am wondering if we'll see more of this world and these characters down the line. I sure hope so. You can visit the game's steam page HERE (#NotSponsored).

I love these girls.

[matthewmoorwood]

Thinking about collections. Thinking about how people collect things for different reasons.

Rich people collecting material objects with high social value but only in their specific circles. Massive shoe collections with matching bags and straight white teeth lit up by professional LEDs.

Sticky handed children breaking open limited edition packaging and making their favourite characters slam their heads together as their ultimate act of worship.

Manga collectors who collect one series or a few volumes from all of them. The thrill of waiting for a new volume to be translated and the bubbling feeling of knowing that this isn't the end.

Book collectors with entire shelves dedicated to one author, despite the fact that some of those books really weren't that good but have the spines cracked anyway.

Adults with the entire Warrior Cats series under their childhood bed, adults with lego sets proudly displayed on mantles.

Girls who collect feathers from the field at school, who then wash them lovingly in the water fountain.

All the kids who have cicada skins stuck to their polar fleeces, or conkers taking up space where their schoolwork should go in desks and bags.

People with free stickers and business cards from every vendor at a con plastered on their walls and journals.

People with secret collections, things they hide in the dark of a wardrobe.

Pen pals who wrap cards with washi tape so the recipient can stick it to whatever they'd like.

Adults who don't actually own anything at all and instead have their worldly possessions wrapped up in bits of code on the web. Adults who have hard drives full of pirated shows and books.

Anyone who has their favourite things tattooed on their skin, so that they never forget what they loved, and so it can't be taken away from them again.

Grown children with their fathers hand painted toy soldiers, the carboard boxes all worn soft.

I just love collections in which the intent isn't resource gathering for material purposes. When it isn't about the money it could be resold for, but instead for the labour of love. The time it takes to build it up, how people buy houses and apartments because of shelf space for their Star Trek figures.

The massive monument of protection in every person who downloads a fic and prints it off, so that if it were ever to disappear from the internet, or the world, at least it would be saved in this one small way.

The painstaking work of ensuring texts aren't lost, that paintings are still talked about, that the ways of craftspeople are written again, and again, and again. Even though the future isn't guaranteed, passing on even these small sections of ourselves, counts as hope.

[pynkhues]

https://www.tumblr.com/pynkhues/766748848331898880/growing-up-in-a-cattle-station-family-in-rural?source=share

This is kind of blowing my mind--I'm American and we are obviously a very big country, but I'm trying to imagine anyone having so much land (or just so much land being available anywhere) that they would have to drive four hours even to reach the edge of their own property

Yeah, I mean!! Australia's a big country, and - globally speaking - no one lives here, lol. I can't articulate to you how small some towns in rural/remote Australia are, despite the country's size, but mm, okay, I'll try, haha:

When I did that particular tour of rural Queensland [I live in Melbourne, Victoria, but 'm from Brisbane originally, which is the capital city of Queensland], it was a part of a creative project funded by the state archive to build a food memory of Q, and a part of that was taking celebrity chefs to remote parts of the state to help people write about passed-down family recipes. It was genuinely one of the most fun jobs I ever had, and I met so many interesting people, and I think about it all the time, haha.

In that, we flew into Mount Isa, which is a mining town, and then just - - drove! For hours! And the landscape just alternates between this:

And this:

(Both of these are literally just Mount Isa too)

It honestly is such a unique landscape, and when you're out in it truly, you don't feel like there's anyone else in the world. Like, God, half of Australia's entire population lives between Sydney and Melbourne! That's always crazy to me, especially given the breadth of the country. Jodie Foster filmed a movie here years ago and just said she couldn't believe how much of Australia was untouched, which is a lovely thing to say, but only partially true, of course.

But yeah, like, I also did a year-long freelance writing contract for the Q Department of Education about five years ago, and there are schools there which have literally six students per year level MAX. One school we were preparing child safety documents for was a prep-10 school (a lot of remote schools don't offer year 11 and 12) had eight students total in the entire school.

(Slightly off topic, but a lot of the resources I was writing there were just begging children to stop daring each other to eat kangaroo poo, because they kept getting Q Fever, so there's a little bit of trivia for you, haha).

It's why a lot of kids are still sent out to board in city schools - particularly if they intend to graduate - hence Sam going to school in Sydney doesn't surprise me at all. Again, I don't know if he was a boarder, but Cranbrook offers it and I know anecdotally farm kids tend to board (again, my mum did, and I know a lot of other people who did too), and I know Cranbrook caters to rich rural farming families.

Also just anecdotally, outside of schooling, my sister has been living regionally so when I say she's in family court, she's in a regional one, and one of the things that I hate to say surprised me given what I talk about above was that in the Readiness & Compliance Hearing where a group of us are all getting to hear each other's business, the average time to get to the closest court from remote Australia was 7 hours. So yeah.

Big country, and a very, very dispersed population.

[markbannersstuff]

Headache

Summary:

Joel goes to work with what he thinks is just a minor headache, which he regrets a few hours later. Etho on the other hand doesn't know how to feel or what to do besides getting lost in his memories.

Notes:

Inspired by When I fall asleep by Eatgreass.

English is not my frst language, i'm sorry if some parts don't make sense or there are spelling mistakes, i have dyslexia and that doesn't make it any batter.

Words:2562

AO3 LINK

Joel has a horrible headache.

Started when he waking up, it was just a few rhythmic pangs behind his eyes at first, nothing that hadn't happened before, so he assumed that it would fade throughout the day, as it has before, so he ended up leaving his house straight to work.

Now, he will be the first to admit that it wasn't the best idea to go the way he went to work, especially if the work is in place with constant noise like a coffee shop, while the "kitchens" as he like to call it, aren't exactly quiet, he ever heard machines and utensils sound as loud as they are now.

His inefficiency in the kitchen was beginning to be noticed, but not enough to attract attention. The throbbing pain behind his eyes intensified and began to spread to his temples and the back of his head, he can't really tell if it's migraine or a sinus headache, although if he remembers correctly both are usually confused, he... He should really concentrate on work.

Now, Joel loves his friends, he really does, everyone involved in this coffee shop has known each other for years, some more than others, but friends anyway, but working in the kitchen with Scar, Jimmy, Bdubs and Pearl with a headache that grows with the minutes, is not exactly the best, the four of them are great cooks, even if they don't really seem to be.

The four cooks were talkative at best, at worst they would be making a lot of noise here and there, and Joel, as the least favorite person of the gods, had to deal with the second thing, Bdubs and Pearl shouting over the noise of the machines, Jimmy and Scar walked back and forth also talking to each other.

And Joel, he was trying not to yell at them to shut up their fucking mouths, Pearl as the little angel that she is, sent him for a new bag of coffee, so he quickly left the kitchens, something that now does not know if it was a good idea, he took with force the edge of one of the shelves of the cupboard room while with the other he held the damn bag of coffee counts his chest, trying not to drop it after the sudden throbbing pain all over his head.

The brand was expensive, and it was even more so because of the big bags they buy, he is not willing to let Martyn or BigB give him the news that it was deducted from his salary, so he slowly drops to his knees, puts the bag aside and once again takes one of the shelves with both hands, He rests his forehead on the cool of it, he is quite sure that at any moment he will start to have a fever.

He really should go home, it will not be good for anyone if he is working this way, if his assumptions are true, at any moment the flu will start and shortly after the sneezing, he could spread whatever he has to his colleagues and worse, to a lot of clients, yep, he should leave.

The problem is that he doesn't think he's in the best condition to drive, he could ask Ren or Tango, maybe even Lizzie, but then he remembers that Ren is head of human resources and surely stuck on paperwork, he is sure that Tango, sales manager, is in a meeting with his CEO, Grian, and when he thinks better, Lizzie is not an option either, the woman is a waitress and the place is a bit crowded today.

Contrary to what Joel has thought before, Pearl is not an angel, he is a little imp who, when she finds him in a pathetic state for someone like him, drags him almost to BigB's office, who helped him sit up and gave him fresh water, did nothing for him but clear his mind a little of the pain, he can hear Pearl talking to BigB about something in the haze of his brain, he's a little more focused on not falling asleep on the couch he's on.

The sofas in Martyn and BigB's offices were always very comfortable, sometimes on less busy days some of them would go to their offices to help with the paperwork they were stuck on, something they seemed to appreciate if the kind and caring smiles of both men had anything to say, he... he is drifting again, he should focus on whatever his partner and boss are talking about.

But the cushions he has sunk into are comfortable, maybe he could sleep, surely BigB will understand, BigB is a kind man who cares about employees, employees who have been his friends for years, he is an employee so it's okay, he will sleep a few minutes on this sofa and feel better, That always works when his head hurts.

Of course it didn't last long, a hand on his shoulder gently shook him to wake him up, of course it was Pearl, the one in the red apron gave him a smile and worried eyes, Joel for his part closed his eyes again and ran more in place in the one who was already half lying down "Joel, come on man you need to get up to go home." He doesn't want to get up, he is comfortable where he is, so he just let out a little moan of disapproval.

"I'm sure i can get him to the car." Etho , he is sure that the voice is Etho's, but Etho works on the security part What does he do in the BigB office? Did something happen? Maybe just talk? No, they're friends, but none of them are particularly talkative "Are you sure? Joel isn't exactly lightweight" Cleo, she's the only one besides Etho who works in security, maybe something really happened? "I'll be fine, I found the keys in his vest, and it shouldn't be that difficult."

Wowowow what are they talking about again? He really should pay more attention, aren't they thinking of kidnapping him, right? No, that wouldn't be very stupid, they are all his friends... they're his friends, right? Yes, yes they are idiot, wait. Pearl said something about going home and Etho something about having his keys, aren't they thinking about taking his car, right?

The last time someone else drove his car ended up in the workshop, Skizz, one of the waiters, and Impulse, his director of operations, inadvertently annoyed a bunch of idiots with superiority complex in the bar who ended up breaking the windows, the rearview mirrors and punching one of the tires, both apologized profusely and paid for the damages between them. so no, he doesn't like someone else driving his car thank

you very much, so he got up from his place with a grunt of annoyance. "I can drive home, thank you very much," he said, taking his keys from Eteo's hand when he was close enough.

But Cleo, who was next to him, took them out of his hands again making him almost silent if it were not because he held on to the lapels of Etho's jacket "That's the most painful lie I heard come out of your mouth Bud" Fuck, he can lie perfectly Cleo thank you very much, but instead of saying something he let all his weight fall on the man in front of him.

Etho hurriedly held him by the waist to prevent him from falling, even so, his head moved very fast for his liking, so he let out a small plaintive moan, he could hear Pearl laughing in a low voice, Cleo snorting amused, and BigB let out a sigh, it was BigB who was next to speak, He was short and full of worry so he decided to try to concentrate "Please just let Etho take you home, I'm sure your bed is much more comfortable than my sofa."

That's actually it sounded great, he missed his bed and he really wanted to sleep, so he shook his head up and down slowly, his face is hidden between the big fluff of Etho's vest and the union of the neck and shoulder of it, that kept away light trying to go through his eyelids, that and that was warm, he went from wanting to get into a tub of thread to wanting to cover himself with a bunch of sheets.

That probably wasn't right "It's okay Bud, let's take you home." True, Etho is driving because he can barely stay awake, even so, he tried to move away to at least try to walk, but, l-look you can not blame him for the scared scream he let out, the first thing he knows is that he is trying to walk and the next his feet have left the ground, he took a long time embarrassed between laughter from his four friends so that his brain processed what was happening.

Etho was carrying him in bridal style, out of sheer spite he unbalanced his weight as much as he could, but the idiot had the nerve to laugh, he was not in the mood, he was tired and wanted to sleep, so he hid his face just like a few moments ago and closed his eyes, he could hear BigB talk about something with Etho, I also hear a couple of footsteps clearly belonging to Cleo and Pearl coming out of the office as they said goodbye.

He don't hear much more of that, he has finally fallen asleep after many interruptions, or at least assumes that he slept, had a small moment of clarity in the passenger seat of his own car, was wearing Etho's vest as a blanket, no complaint, was comfortable and warm and within seconds was out once again.

That was at least 4 hours ago, and Etho, who let BigB know that he would stay at Joel's house to take care of him because he lived alone, was regretting his actions, now, they are not strangers at all, they are friends, in truth, difficult not to be when they had to live together for almost 2 years, it had not been his intention for both to end up that way, but Bdubs was already living with Ren and Impulse so he really could not stay for

long, he does not know how he ended up at Joel's door or how exactly he found his address.

But when they least realized they were living peacefully under the same roof, none had talked much to each other before that, at best they were acquaintances, at worst they were just two strangers in the same group of friends, they got along better than they thought they would, Joel even let him choose between the two unused rooms.

Before long his room looked almost the same as his old apartment, except that he had much more space than before, it was a bit funny actually, the reason why he was kicked out of his old apartment building, some idiot had been stealing from the same floor he lived on, The neighbors for some reason that even today does not understand began to label him as the thief.

He was evicted days later, and even when they caught the real thief and offered him back, he didn't, he wouldn't have done it even if someone was paid the damn rent, he was happy living with Joel thank you very much, or he was until he found a new apartment, Joel even helped him move in.

He's getting very sidetracked, isn't he? He really can't help it, he hasn't been at Joel's house for quite a while "2 or 3 years maybe?" sounds like a short time when he says it out loud, although it feels like a lot more time has passed, it's not like he doesn't see Joel often, they work in the same place and while they're not from the same section, Their lunches are usually at the same time.

Joel denies it, but Etho knows that something changed between them the moment he leave the house, the talks, lunches and group outings are not uncomfortable at all, but they certainly did not talk as much as Etho would like, the first weeks Joel was tense around him, as if he were walking on fine ice, One misstep and it would fall into the deep, dark icy waters, at least that's how he described it after speaking for hours days later.

He's swerving again, he really needs to get out of his head if he wants to properly take care of Joel, Joel, who is in his bedroom sleeping while he's in the living room, a living room that has a neatly carved dark wood coffee table instead of the old glass one that once stood in place, he wonders if Joel would finally let him eat in the living room without fear that he might break the thing by dropping his hands hard while watching TV.

He almost gave the poor man a heart attack the first time it happened, they stopped eating in the living room and instead chatted during meals in the dining room, even on the kitchen island, watching movies that Joel knew would cause strong emotions, he would keep him in place by lying on him or holding his hand.

He miss living with Joel, even today sometimes expects Joel to enter the kitchen in the mornings with his hair disheveled to order a cup of black coffee, he had always found it endearing, for someone who has been working in a coffee shop for years he had horrible tastes.

He really should see how Joel is, so he finally gets off the couch, has given him pills before he went back to sleep, although it did not sit well with him, Joel barely and had been fully aware of what he was taking, it almost felt like he was drugging someone.

He shakes his head in an attempt to get out of his head, goes upstairs with a glass of water in hand, he doesn't know when he takes it, but he doesn't care much, when he opens the door he can see Joel's head sticking out a little under the covers and his vest, oh... Right, Joel had refused to return it even in the delirious state it was in and Etho was unwilling to fight a sick man over a jacket he would get back tomorrow.

Or he hopes to get it back tomorrow, but whatever, he leaves the glass on the bedside table and takes Joel's temperature, the medicine has given it has lowered the temperature, but not quite, Etho watches as his friend gets completely under the covers, it's a bit cute actually, he never saw Joel sick beyond a little flu or a cough, It usually faded completely with 1 or 2 pills or a little syrup.

He's never seen Joel this way, he doesn't know if he should do anything besides wait for him to wake up, maybe make shiro-miso soup? Maybe he should, Joel always radiated joy when he told him they would have shiro-miso for dinner, maybe even some orange juice? No, Joel hates orange juice.

Apple juice will be then.

[dynmghts]

❛ how could i fall when i am lifted by every word you say to me? ❜ / ( listen. sorta distant-awkward-postwar 3rd years where izuku, having just survived some battle and is having concussion, slurring this @ kacchan)

third year winter internships were in full swing now. most of the class is feeling relief at the final hurdles ahead of them - how dangerously close they were to graduating, pursuing their lifelong goals beyond the school they've dedicated the last three years to. some knew where they were going once they graduated. others have a plan, but haven't formed anything concrete because it relies on factors they don't have.

for people like bakugou katsuki, his entire experience after graduating from ua is meticulously organised to a tee / everything had a plan, a backup, a backup to the backup. with his projected grades, he could get into any university he wanted for a bachelor in social science, majoring human resources and minoring history. if they fall short, he had other universities in mind with the same quality of education. if not that, somehow, then a pathways course. he'd start up an agency with the support of his mentors, and if they couldn't help him, he'd figure it out on his own.

but despite this, the most uneasy factor of the future lies within katsuki and midoriya izuku's friendship - if you could call it that, exactly.

not-quite-rivals, not-quite-friends, not-so-close and yet not-so-far : were anyone to ask katsuki where he stood with izuku, he'd divert the conversation until the topic wasn't on their unsure bond anymore. because- yes, katsuki he knew where he stood. or he thought he did. sometimes it echoes in his mind with a voice that feels so distant, and readily haunts him in dreams when he believes he's forgotten it to his busying life / a voice that spoke so surely, so cruelly, that it cut into the deepest parts of katsuki and taunted him all the same.

the only thing about you that catches my interest is how you're closer to midoriya izuku than anyone else.

katsuki isn't sure if that's as true now as it was then.

it was by chance that he, izuku, and shouto interned under endeavour again for their final internship. it was by further chance that he and izuku were sent on a mission, supervised as provisional heroes, given more involvement as soon-to-be pros. even if katsuki couldn't define them as close, they could at least talk strategy and planning. at least they agreed on a pincer movement to envelop their targets, with the blond on one side, the green-haired hero on the other. they coordinated their supervising heroes to take up positions at the front and back of the moving target, and they'd all meet in the middle. the strategy worked at first.

things dramatically shift when izuku takes a bad hit to the head. from across the field, the blond discerns quickly that it was a villain that managed to knock him off-balance, causing the injury, boasting and taunting proudly at it. [ but katsuki knows too well that this would not slow midoriya izuku down - and for once, he wishes it would. ]

dynamight is the one quickly reorganising their forces while he goes to support deku's position ; he barks out commands with authority and a sense of calm, panic diverted by the need to remain collected in the heat of battle, dancing over the fight to land in proximity to izuku as supporting fire. it irks him that he can't convince izuku to stay down in the throes of a likely growing concussion, but it's one he accommodates to as quickly as possible. that knowing drives him to fight more viciously.

for the remaining duration of the fight, most other villains can't even get close to hero deku. each one is met with the explosive hero instead, zipping across short distances with clusters of explosions, grinning maniacally at their emboldened attempts - each takedown is as satisfying as the last.

when the battle concludes and the villains are all secured for transport, before anyone can even check if dynamight had sustained any wounds, he rushes straight to the green-haired hero's side. he catches him before he falls from poor balance.

❛ christ, izuku, could you not go falling over on me ? you're gonna make the damn concussion worse - and don't lie to me, you are concussed. ❜ not that katsuki is sure that izuku could catch all of that. the blond is swift to administer emergency first aid for the other hero, lowering them and sitting the other's head carefully on his thigh as he treats any open injury he may have sustained.

he freezes at izuku's words, then : how could i fall when i am lifted by every word you say to me ?

red stays purposefully away from gazing into green, snarl working its way onto a mix of stoic and yet concerned expression. what could he say ? that it doesn't explain why izuku has decided on distance if he thrives on katsuki's words ? that it only makes him more confused, because would izuku leave that behind with whatever plans he had for his future ? [ when did it happen that katsuki was the one gripping violently for an ounce of friendship instead of izuku ? ]

despite the growing agitation that engulfs whatever other emotions katsuki was wearing, his touch is gentle, gloved fingers delicately shifting strands of green curls aside for closer inspection. ❛ you've lost your damn mind. ❜

and maybe i have too.

UNREAL UNEARTH, ACCEPTING.

[shriekinghavoc]

WAIT okay i am actually so invested in the god tier concepts. pls. pls explain (if you want, i mean. i am genuinely -eyes emoji-)

OH MY GOD THANK YOU

This also counts as a character analysis so if anyone wants to read that.... I guess this is also a Hank, Don, Dawn, and Holly character analysis!

For those of you who don't read Homestuck but are interested, here's a quick explanation on what God Tiers are. For those of you who have read Homestuck and are wondering what qualities I consider to be "behind" ones God Tier being what it is, let this serve as an answer.

Homestuck is basically like Sword Art Online in that it's about kids stuck in a video game. The difference is the video game manipulates the players' reality instead of being a virtual reality. God Tiers are the "final form" a player can achieve in that video game and grants them abilities they'll naturally unlock both before and after they achieve God Tier.

These abilities are determined by a class (ex: page, bard, rogue) and an aspect (ex: life, hope, blood.)

Aspects are vague categories of concepts and things. For instance: Light means both actual literal light as well as information, money, and resources. Breath can mean the literal wind and it can mean freedom. Even hobbies can be related to one's aspect: (space is about creation so hobbies such as gardening, sewing, painting, and writing are all known hobbies for space players)

Classes are how someone relates to their aspect and would use it to fight. This can change the whole meaning of the aspect, which I will explain for each Hawk and Dove. These relations determine/are determined by the character arc each character goes through in Homestuck.

Holly Granger

Class: Rogue of Time

For Holly's temper and offensive nature, I still chose the passive Rogue class. The Rogues are those that steal their aspect from others for the good of their allies. For a Rogue of Time, this means Holly is steals time from others for the greater good. For as little as we saw of her in canon, she mostly treats herself like a tank in fights, putting herself at the fore front of things while others worked on a solution. She literally buys time.

Holly also has some of the fastest speeds we've seen from any Hawk or Dove (not including Justice League Unlimited) out running Dawn on two occasions out of her few appearances (and Dawn was always faster than Hank, and Don wasn't much faster than him.) She also has a known interest in music (tempo and rhythm themed.)

Lastly time players tend to have strained relationships with others and tend to distance themselves in some way, putting up acts to drive others away, genuinely not caring what people think, or just generally being vocal about how they're fine are all canon traits.

Dawn Granger

Class: Mage of Breath

This may surprise some to hear, but Dawn is very much a lonely character.

Yes, she knows Ren and Donna before Hank meets them but she is barely seen hanging out with them on her own after. Hank, however, is always hanging out with them (as we'll get into later.) As Dawn, she sits squished against the diner wall so the "couples" can talk and tries to boost her own confidence by dating a guy as herself. For fucks sake- she dated Boston Brand. Even before she became the kind of girl who can't hold her beer, she and Holly were talking about bars not being her thing. She was the kind of person who upon finding out she wasn't the only Dove went an ocean over to find Hawk.

In the 80s, at the least, part of her arc was very obviously that she felt more confident as Dove. I'd like to think it's because, as Dove, she was still isolated and unwilling to let other heroes know their secret, but she was more open and freed by her solitude. She maintained her friendship with Hank, but she's also more confident because she has freed herself from their expectations.

So long as she's behind a mask, that is.

Onto powers: Flight is really Dawn's shtick and main, memorable trait. Since Don never got the chance, she's the only canon flier on their team. All god tiers can fly, but breath has domain over the wind. I made her a Mage because Mages gather knowledge about their aspect- which is what Dawn wanted to do with her Dove powers. She wanted to become a master of manipulating it.

Her seeking out new languages to learn, offensive but calculated for minimum damage approach to enemies, and her attitude towards bonds made this one pretty easy.

Don Hall

Class: Seer of Space

Space players get the most important job in every game in Homestuck: Getting the "Win" condition. This is done by breeding frogs. The person who has this job has to be incredibly kind, devoted, and judgemental and controlling and-

I love Don, but if he was not a space player, he would not be having a good time and neither would the space player. More than that, this is the most removed and creative task complete with a final boss that you actually need to speak to and talk to instead of attacking like some others.

Space, being a creative aspect, is great for a character that loves art so much he teaches it in one universe as an adult and knew more than one local artist as a kid.

A seer can see or divine through their aspect, which I think is perfect for Don's "Danger Sense" power. All Hawks and Doves are said by "word of god" to have this (in-comic bios, dc databases, most third party websites-) but Don uses it the most frequently in his time, Dawn uses it sparingly, and it's even suggested a few times the Hawks don't have it at all. Terataya (by name and context of their realm) is heavily implied to be a creation deity, their powers linked to that of pure life energy through the White Lantern rings. I did consider life for this reason, but ultimately Don was never a healer, he was a creator with a plan for the future of the world.

Hank Hall

Class: Prince of Blood

This may surprise some to hear, but Hank is very much a lonely character.

His entire character relates to his experiences with others and their impact on him. For as bold and loud as he is, he really does care about the other people in his life. He's always reaching out for people- grabbing Don to pull him over a fire escape, pulling Dawn away from Sal, hugging Ren over the shoulders and kissing her when she was scared, hugging his mom before breakfast- and when he loses those people- he's driven out of his mind wanting them back.

He did some really messed up stuff in canon when Don died, and I know it was retconned and I hate the plot point myself, but they sure did choose to have him turn into Monarch by loosing Dawn.

Hank would kill for everyone he loves, and he loves a lot of people very quickly and makes non-superhero friends very easily. Depending on the writer, he might still make superhero friends fast (Bette, Beast Boy, Barbara- love the Bs) and those relationships last a long time.

A prince destroys with their aspect, and Hank is definitely fueled as a protector (... even if he's usually the one getting protected in the end.)

Being a destroyer class also falls very in line with him being a Hawk, usually creating space for his Dove rather than just buying time (Though he did do that as well at one point- He's often seen making advances and driving foes back away from Dove and civilians, trying to control the fight or disorient.)

Other Notes Homestuck Fans Will Enjoy:

-Time and Space as well as Blood and Breath are opposites of each other and are actually a perfect cross on the aspect wheel, each of them being extremes of "concept" and "connection."

-Being a time and space player respectively actually works great for Don's "sky's the limit" and "it's worth a try" approach to enemies compared to Holly's more practical "let's get it over with" approach.

-I did customize the outfits (most notably Hank's and least notably Dawn's) this is because I think the God Tier outfits as-is look ridiculous on adults most of the time and especially adults without the Homestuck Body Type.

-It was an accident that the Hawks turned out red and the Doves both got knowledge gathering classes. I actually went through the whole aspect wheel deciding who would be what very carefully before I picked these four.

-It was NOT an accident that both Holly and Don are passive and Hank and Dawn are active classes.

[metfell]

ok so my input was not asked for but i am jewish and was raised observing and i can't stress enough that the first place you should be looking to reconnect to your heritage is in your local jewish community!!! community is one of if not the most important core value in judaism, and synagogues tend to welcome people like you with VERY open arms, since you are considered just as jewish as anyone else by birth right! see if there are any near you that have open shabbat or holiday services, and try attending one and talking to the rabbi or to other people working there about wanting to learn and connect more. not only is that a much more welcoming and less intimidating place to start than the internet, but they'll also be able to point you towards the best resources to use to learn!!! a lot even offer lessons, depending on how big an organisation they are, and even more have libraries that you can look at! best of luck :D (also i know social anxiety is a big thing so that might sound scary but jewish communities and especially rabbis are generally very friendly, i promise you wont face any judgement or animosity for wanting to learn!)

this is really good advice thank you!! unfortunately im not really in a place right now where im able to go to a synagogue, but hopefully if i can get my drivers license this year ill be able to actually drive to one :D right now though my family is incredibly protective of me and would probably be upset if i did.

but i definitely want to spend this year learning more because ive been dying to for sooooo long

thanks guys for being so helpful i appreciate it a lot <3

[january-summers]

the sad thing is, that made sense, because that does feel like the vibe sometimes when I'm watching shows or in a fandom. Male characters allowed to just be, they just have to exist and it's all good.

Female characters? girls, women, daughters, mothers, sisters, wives, aunts, cousins, grandmas?

They get put through the ringer like they need to prove they're worthy of fandom love but are always found wanting because the bar is suddenly raised from 'just existing' to 'too damn high for anyone to clear' when the fact is the characters themselves are really fun, or smart, or daring, or any of a dozen things but they're being judge by a different measurement.

(sorry that got a little heated under the cut, I had a bad few months in fandom a while back, and it turns out I'm still salty. I think this train not only derailed but took out the train on the next tracks, but I'm not ready to delete it.)

And then we get made to feel cringe or whatever for liking them as they are, but then we've also been forced to develop this girl-bossified language that's still a backhand across the face even as we're allegedly praising them.

They're smarter than a male character? She's a know-it-all, or stuck up, or arrogant and she'll get taken down a peg or two someday.

Or if the fandom likes her "she has the brain cell."

She's a little silly and lighthearted, or understands the importance of taking a breather to refresh the emotional bearings? She's an airhead who doesn't take anything seriously and is going to make trouble for everyone else.

She has good problem assessment and can figure out plans and allocation of resources, not to mention she knows how to network and direct people as needed? She's bossy, or pushy or arrogant again.

Everything a female character does gets taken in the worst light, it doesn't matter if a male character does it too, she's somehow doing it evilly. Women need redemption arcs just for existing in some fandoms.

And then there's this weird drive in media to create re-boots that are "feminist now"

Looking at Charmed and Winx Club | Fate: The Winx Saga specifically, where despite having all the right feminist flash-words (not that all of them are being used correctly) the shows are somehow less feminist than their originals, because the ladies aren't just characters any more, they're 'strong female characters' now, and it changes how they're being written, because they can't just be women, their womanhood has to serve a purpose, be a message, has to be something more.

And then there's the fandoms that just ignore the female characters existences all together, and it feels like a nice change of pace at first because at least no one is talking shit or turning them into harpy hellbitch versions just to justify breaking her up with her boyfriend/husband so he can kiss other boys/men. And then you realise how insidious it is, even the people who say they like the female characters actually.

Because you can't talk about them with others, you try and you get maybe a few lines of interaction before the topic is derailed. or worse:

"I like her, she's a total girlboss, and she deserves way better than her male love interest." But they never say who she deserves, and slowly you start to notice that her male love interest, the one who is in one of the fandom's most popular gay ships? somehow the guy he's paired with instead doesn't also deserve better. because they don't mean "she deserves better" or "she deserves the best" they mean "she needs to stay the fuck out of way of my ship so I can pretend to like her."

Honestly, some actually gay/boy-love media treats women and female characters better than some fandoms which are gay/BL fandoms even though their source material isn't.

Actually, the worst part about that is that bring it up? Get's you a more than zero percent chance of being called homophobic, or a misandrist.

Mind you even in the queer on purpose media, women still being treated like they're unwanted by the masses. Streaming site last year? queer filters on: Gay shows: 73. Lesbian shows: 2 webcomic collator site with queer filters: Gay comics: 213 Lesbians: 24

let me have women, let me have women who don't need to prove they deserve to exist, let me have women who are angry, or scared, or silly, or smart, or determined, or head over heels in love and let me have them without having to defend that like they need to earn their space in fandom in a way the male characters don't.

Let me love them flaws and all.

the way people treat girl characters in fandom joker-ifies me

[curecrafted]

𝙶𝙴𝙽𝙴𝚁𝙰𝙻 𝚃𝙷𝙾𝚄𝙶𝙷𝚃𝚂 ::

Okay so gonna start this post off by saying I have no plans or intentions to erase anything unsavory about Kai's character or the things he's done because thats just not how I do. The atrocities are part of him and I've decided they're funny type shit yknow ? He's done some bad stuff. Most specifically he experimented on and tortured a child. Nothing I'm about to talk about is said to excuse his actions. He did that shit. I acknowledge it. But he's also a fictional character and its not that serious.

So anyway, before we get back to Eri I wanna talk about the fact that I noticed when comparing the Anime and the Manga things are a little different and I think the Anime maaay have butchered Kai slightly, and specifically I feel like it misinterpreted his whole thing with quirks and disease and his plan with Eri. But I think Kai made it very clear he doesn't hate quirks, nor did he want to wipe out all quirks. Kai's a guy who proudly named himself after his quirk and wanted to be known specifically by that name. Kai makes it very clear that his plan was to use Eri's quirk to essentially debilitate hero society and control the underworld. No part of this included wiping out all quirks. Totally the opposite. A crucial part of his plan even included reverse engineering a serum that would RESTORE the erased quirks.

Again, I think this misinterpretation came from the Anime. When Kai is having his major villain meltdown the anime seems to put forth the idea that Kai wanted to "cure" the world of quirks in the sense that he wanted to "wipe out" quirks, this is done when he's explaining to Izuku what Eri is capable of. In the manga, however, its a little more clear that Kai is just trying to drive home what Eri is capable of ( Ie, rewinding quirks out of existence ) and how incapable Izuku is of appreciating such power, infected with "hero syndrome" as he is.

( Its also kinda clear here Kai views Eri as a tool/object, one that he possesses and he's clearly viewing Izuku's attempts to "save" her as stealing a valuable resource from him as opposed to trying to save a little girl. )

Which also brings me to what Kai's problem actually is and what he was actually trying to "cure". Hero syndrome. Just like the League of Villains, Kai himself possesses strong anti-establishment views and apperently recognizes hero society as a problem for the supernatural world. Sure, we can say Kai's criticism of Hero society comes from a much more selfish place than that of the LoV due to his gang ties and the fact that yes, heroes fucking over the Yukaza is a big part of his beef with them, but I can't discount any criticism of hero society from anyone with a quirk, especially a villain, because Hori would go on to point out the sheer amount of oppression of quirked individuals hero society is responsible for and the fact that oppression, discrimination and violence/hatred is a major obstacle people with quirks have faced since their dawn and that villains are quite often the people who have faced the most of it.

Putting this with the fact the Yakuza is kind of the ""original"" outcast found family of Japan I think this is an important part of Kai himself and a shame that it was muddied by the Anime's adaption of events because it does add more depth to Kai's character. Keep in mind, the Yakuza are traditionally and to this day, made up of the misfits of Japanese society who tended to face extreme oppression and ridicule due to being somehow "othered" by the mainstream.

That is to say while Yakuza are absolutely a criminal organization and responsible for very bad things, its also not uncommon that in the days the Yakuza were most well known, a lot of young men who fell into that life did so out of having no where else to go / no other means to survive. This is where the most romantic views of Yakuza come from in Japanese pop culture along with the idea of the "honorable" Yakuza. A trope that we can see heavily reflected in the old Boss. Kai having little other choice in life but to be Yakuza is also an obvious thing as he was little a child when we was taken in by pops. I am also hcing Kai as biracial, specifically Korean on his mom's side and Japanese on his fathers. He was, however, born and raised in Japan exclusively. This is another something drawing from my current studies on IRL Yakuza lol. TL;DR, Overhaul had way more in common with the League of Villains than I've ever seen anyone in the fandom acknowledge. And I know people might contend this with how Kai's canon ultimately went but I want to point out I think Hori completely fumbled Kai's character and any plans he had for Kai due to the fact it was early days of the manga when he was introduced and Hori was going through weird backlash from fans and his editors because a lot of people apperently didn't want villains in the MHA story at all, which also seems to be contributing factor in why it took Hori so long to expand on the League of Villain's backstory and, imo, probably also contributes to why he ended the story the way he did.

On top of that, I think its easy to understand why Hori would be very hesitant to put any positive light on Yakuza in a extremely popular and mainstream Shonen Anime. Japan's anti Yakuza laws are a thing. Which, back to that thing about the Yakuza already being made up of marginalized and heavily disadvantaged/disenfranchised people ? Said laws of often been citizen as a complete violation of human rights. Anyway, yeah, no, I think Kai was unfortunately a bit of a sacrificial lamb as far as characters go because it is obvious Kai was Hori's first attempt to explore a complicated villain in MHA and I feel like its obvious he was antsy about it by how a lot about Kai is presented vaguely and in such a minor way in comparison to what other villains characters would be given much later on. Like I think Hori had bigger plans for Kai but didn't have the nerve to go through with it at the time.

SO ANYWAY, all that aside, the less Hori did the more I get to play with stuff ! So lets go back to Eri now and the experimentation. I personally headcanon that a lot of Kai's treatment of Eri comes from heavy self projection and simultaneous dehumanization of Eri.

I don't think it would be a stretch to say that Kai was likely experimented on in Garaki's orphanage. Personally, I'm going to rewrite the canon that Decay is a broken version of Overhaul because it genuinely makes no sense why, if AFO and Garaki were able to extract a copy of Kai's quirk from his body, that all they could think to do with it was break it and turn it into an inferior quirk. Overhaul as a quirk would have kind of fixed a lot of issues AFO ran up against, so yeah, I can't believe for one minute he had a quirk like overhaul in his arsenal and did absolutely fucking nothing with it. What I'm gonna say instead is that yes Kai was in one of Garaki's orphanages and yes Garaki experimented on him, in a way extremely reminiscent of the way Kai would go on to experiment on Eri and for very similar reasons: uncovering and studying Eris quirk and its capabilities. For Kai, I headcanon this was an incomplete process. Garaki knew Kai's quirk was something special but unlocking it and understanding it was a work in progress when the orphanage was destroyed by a villain attack when Kai was only 8. Kai was thought to have died in this destruction but actually, thanks to his quirk, he's the only one who made it out. Very soon after, however, Kai was found and adopted by the Shie Hassaikai's Oyabun, putting an end to Garaki's progress with him. AFO and Garaki would eventually find him again but never had an opportunity to get their hands back on him.

As for how Kai got to the orphanage in the first place I'm toying with the idea that his single mother died of an illness, which, yes, would have started Kai's germaphobia. Similarly, I'm also toying with the idea that Kai can, in a supernatural sense, perceive something as minuscule as microbes, given his quirk revolves around him being able to perceive and shape matter on a molecular level. Basically overhaul-vision is a terrifying thing and anyone might be a germaphobe if they saw the world the way he can. This could also kind of explain why Kai's mysophobia seems to greatly decrease after he lost access to his quirk. This filters from the idea that I think yes, Kai's germaphobia plays a part in his quirk and vice versa. None of this was helped by his mother's death or by Kai finding a book in the orphanage that detailed the theory that all quirks stem from a disease carried by rats.

Back to Kai's mother I'm also toying with the idea that he tried to fix her with his quirk but due to his complete inexperience with his quirk he was not successful. He didn't cause her death, however, she had died in her sleep the night before and he just wasn't aware of it given he would have only been around 4 when this occurred. This being said, I imagine it was speculated that he caused her death so when Kai says things to Eri such as she's a "cursed child" its coming from a personal place.

Kai doesn't remember his mother much at all. He does have vague memories of his childhood home and the squaller they lived in. I imagine his living situation was similar to Hawks in the sense his mom's house was a dump and she was extremely poor before falling ill. His father abandoned them before he was born. This plays into Kai's clean freak / anti clutter tendencies as though Kai was never abused by his mother he considered those conditions nightmarish.

Kai did incredibly well at school. Like. Incredibly well. He would have made a brilliant medicinal chemist and in fact chemistry is Kai's thing. He would have been able to get qualified and go to work in a state of the art lab but Kai has never officially finished his degree. Why ? Because to do so it was required he cut ties with the Yakuza and given Pops and the crew were his only family, that of which he is intensely loyal to, that was a complete no go for him so he dropped out instead. This man should be in the lab. Instead he's in the basement of a shady establishment making quirk destroying bullets out of a 6 year old cause such is life.

Speaking of family and Pops, no, I don't depict Kai as a psychopath. His antisocial tendencies come from his mysophobia (and ofc the Gangster lifestyle he was raised in), less from a genuine hatred of people. He's also extremely intelligent, genius level, and consciously makes a choice to dehumanize certain individuals, Eri included, specifically so they cant/don't weigh on his conscience. Like any good gangster, Kai is actually pretty damn good with people. He is charismatic and most people end up liking him. The parallels Kai has to AFO are striking to me and I intend to keep them as a thing, this said, no I don't portray Kai as a genuine psychopath.

There are people he deeply cares for like Pops and Chrono. This being said Kai is a control freak and due to his quirk he has a slight god-complex at times which can bring about a lot of restricted and inappropriate affect in how he reacts to violence and death. For Kai he's very desensitized. He's very used to pulling people apart and putting them back together. With his quirk he can, in fact, play god in a very real way and he's used to that. Seeing someone he cares about get hurt angers him but his approach to it is more "I'll just fix them" than despair about what has happened.

And yes, Kai is the kind of mysophobe that'll get trapped in a public bathroom because he'd rather wait for someone to open the door than touch the door handle himself and thats on the occasion he's forced to use a public bathroom because he'd rather avoid that at all costs anyway. He's the sort who showers multiple times a day, has weird rituals about it and is someone who washes his hands like three times over every time he washes them (which is already often) because he's full of anxiety and borderline OCD.

The only thing powerful enough to make Kai forget about his germaphobia is rage. He can be angered to the point where germs don't matter anymore. He can also be so compelled to use his quirk germs don't matter anymore. These are very temporary mindsets though, his default is clean freak weirdo.

Okay. Thats all for now. I'll likely add more things if/when I think of them !!

[vigilskept]

For Sindri Brosca:

Which canon character doesn’t respect your OC whatsoever?

Which canon character does your OC respect a lot?

Which canon character does your OC not respect at all? Why?

for the fandom oc ask meme

smiling like the grinch at getting another opportunity to talk about sindri rn!! liable to write essays about them always so i’ll stick to the warden timeline to keep this short-ish

canon character who doesn’t respect sindri: morrigan

mostly because she thinks sindri has no self-respect (true!)

where it gets a bit misguided is that she also thinks they’re… soft (debatable) and naive (definitely not)

from her POV, they have no resources to fall back on & the pressure of the blight is not going anywhere so they should be extremely selfish!

meanwhile sindri tries to help people out wherever possible while they recruit each faction and it drives her crazy

it doesn't improve her opinion of them at all when she does see them making cutthroat calls at other times because she just... fundamentally doesn't understand them

she can't wrap her head around what they're thinking so it just seems bafflingly inconsistent

canon character sindri respects a lot: sten, by a country mile

there ARE other reasons they get on, but in terms of respect...

it's because he knows his role and devotes himself to the fulfilment of it. no excuses, no railing against fate

there's a part of sindri that always struggled with the role that was imposed on them by their family

then with the joining that burden was replaced by a doomed fight against the darkspawn for the rest of their life

they try not to think about it (as always) but there's definitely some turmoil going on there

and yet, for sten who has had even less personal freedom than sindri and will share their fate in fighting an endless war of his own, there's no such turmoil

they can't not admire that and take inspiration from it

after all if there is true fulfilment in fashioning yourself into a tool for the service of your kin and your sworn brothers, all sindri has to do to attain that is to Keep Enduring

canon character sindri doesn't respect: shale

what's really unfortunate here is that they actually do get on fairly well until they get into the deep roads!

... then all that respect is lost within the span of minutes

generally they're willing to hear people out, but how things go down at the anvil has them seeing red

learning that the shale once saw the value of what it could do for its people in a stronger, constructed form... that it doesn't remember any of this yet now wants to side with caridin to destroy any opportunity anyone else might have to do the same?

it's shortsighted. it's idiotic.

destroying the anvil because of orzammar politics isn't even worth considering

there will be volunteers. sindri will be the first in line.

when that line is crossed again (yes, they know, it surely will) it can be dealt with then. for now, there's a blight, and a single company of golems could face down countless waves of darkspawn

[umbreerie]

𝕺𝖛𝖊𝖗𝖍𝖆𝖚𝖑 ; Major headcanon drop.

Okay so gonna start this post off by saying I have no plans or intentions to erase anything unsavory about Kai's character or the things he's done because thats just not how I do. The atrocities are part of him and I've decided they're funny type shit yknow ? He's done some bad stuff. Most specifically he experimented on and tortured a child. Nothing I'm about to talk about is said to excuse his actions. He did that shit. I acknowledge it. But he's also a fictional character and its not that serious.

So anyway, before we get back to Eri I wanna talk about the fact that I noticed when comparing the Anime and the Manga things are a little different and I think the Anime maaay have butchered Kai slightly, and specifically I feel like it misinterpreted his whole thing with quirks and disease and his plan with Eri. But I think Kai made it very clear he doesn't hate quirks, nor did he want to wipe out all quirks. Kai's a guy who proudly named himself after his quirk and wanted to be known specifically by that name. Kai makes it very clear that his plan was to use Eri's quirk to essentially debilitate hero society and control the underworld. No part of this included wiping out all quirks. Totally the opposite. A crucial part of his plan even included reverse engineering a serum that would RESTORE the erased quirks.

Again, I think this misinterpretation came from the Anime. When Kai is having his major villain meltdown the anime seems to put forth the idea that Kai wanted to "cure" the world of quirks in the sense that he wanted to "wipe out" quirks, this is done when he's explaining to Izuku what Eri is capable of. In the manga, however, its a little more clear that Kai is just trying to drive home what Eri is capable of ( Ie, rewinding quirks out of existence ) and how incapable Izuku is of appreciating such power, infected with "hero syndrome" as he is.

( Its also kinda clear here Kai views Eri as a tool/object, one that he possesses and he's clearly viewing Izuku's attempts to "save" her as stealing a valuable resource from him as opposed to trying to save a little girl. )

Which also brings me to what Kai's problem actually is and what he was actually trying to "cure". Hero syndrome. Just like the League of Villains, Kai himself possesses strong anti-establishment views and apperently recognizes hero society as a problem for the supernatural world. Sure, we can say Kai's criticism of Hero society comes from a much more selfish place than that of the LoV due to his gang ties and the fact that yes, heroes fucking over the Yukaza is a big part of his beef with them, but I can't discount any criticism of hero society from anyone with a quirk, especially a villain, because Hori would go on to point out the sheer amount of oppression of quirked individuals hero society is responsible for and the fact that oppression, discrimination and violence/hatred is a major obstacle people with quirks have faced since their dawn and that villains are quite often the people who have faced the most of it.

Putting this with the fact the Yakuza is kind of the ""original"" outcast found family of Japan I think this is an important part of Kai himself and a shame that it was muddied by the Anime's adaption of events because it does add more depth to Kai's character. Keep in mind, the Yakuza are traditionally and to this day, made up of the misfits of Japanese society who tended to face extreme oppression and ridicule due to being somehow "othered" by the mainstream.

That is to say while Yakuza are absolutely a criminal organization and responsible for very bad things, its also not uncommon that in the days the Yakuza were most well known, a lot of young men who fell into that life did so out of having no where else to go / no other means to survive. This is where the most romantic views of Yakuza come from in Japanese pop culture along with the idea of the "honorable" Yakuza. A trope that we can see heavily reflected in the old Boss. Kai having little other choice in life but to be Yakuza is also an obvious thing as he was little a child when we was taken in by pops. I am also hcing Kai as biracial, specifically Korean on his mom's side and Japanese on his fathers. He was, however, born and raised in Japan exclusively. This is another something drawing from my current studies on IRL Yakuza lol. TL;DR, Overhaul had way more in common with the League of Villains than I've ever seen anyone in the fandom acknowledge. And I know people might contend this with how Kai's canon ultimately went but I want to point out I think Hori completely fumbled Kai's character and any plans he had for Kai due to the fact it was early days of the manga when he was introduced and Hori was going through weird backlash from fans and his editors because a lot of people apperently didn't want villains in the MHA story at all, which also seems to be contributing factor in why it took Hori so long to expand on the League of Villain's backstory and, imo, probably also contributes to why he ended the story the way he did.

On top of that, I think its easy to understand why Hori would be very hesitant to put any positive light on Yakuza in a extremely popular and mainstream Shonen Anime. Japan's anti Yakuza laws are a thing. Which, back to that thing about the Yakuza already being made up of marginalized and heavily disadvantaged/disenfranchised people ? Said laws of often been citizen as a complete violation of human rights. Anyway, yeah, no, I think Kai was unfortunately a bit of a sacrificial lamb as far as characters go because it is obvious Kai was Hori's first attempt to explore a complicated villain in MHA and I feel like its obvious he was antsy about it by how a lot about Kai is presented vaguely and in such a minor way in comparison to what other villains characters would be given much later on. Like I think Hori had bigger plans for Kai but didn't have the nerve to go through with it at the time.

SO ANYWAY, all that aside, the less Hori did the more I get to play with stuff ! So lets go back to Eri now and the experimentation. I personally headcanon that a lot of Kai's treatment of Eri comes from heavy self projection and simultaneous dehumanization of Eri.

I don't think it would be a stretch to say that Kai was likely experimented on in Garaki's orphanage. Personally, I'm going to rewrite the canon that Decay is a broken version of Overhaul because it genuinely makes no sense why, if AFO and Garaki were able to extract a copy of Kai's quirk from his body, that all they could think to do with it was break it and turn it into an inferior quirk. Overhaul as a quirk would have kind of fixed a lot of issues AFO ran up against, so yeah, I can't believe for one minute he had a quirk like overhaul in his arsenal and did absolutely fucking nothing with it. What I'm gonna say instead is that yes Kai was in one of Garaki's orphanages and yes Garaki experimented on him, in a way extremely reminiscent of the way Kai would go on to experiment on Eri and for very similar reasons: uncovering and studying Eris quirk and its capabilities. For Kai, I headcanon this was an incomplete process. Garaki knew Kai's quirk was something special but unlocking it and understanding it was a work in progress when the orphanage was destroyed by a villain attack when Kai was only 8. Kai was thought to have died in this destruction but actually, thanks to his quirk, he's the only one who made it out. Very soon after, however, Kai was found and adopted by the Shie Hassaikai's Oyabun, putting an end to Garaki's progress with him. AFO and Garaki would eventually find him again but never had an opportunity to get their hands back on him.

As for how Kai got to the orphanage in the first place I'm toying with the idea that his single mother died of an illness, which, yes, would have started Kai's germaphobia. Similarly, I'm also toying with the idea that Kai can, in a supernatural sense, perceive something as minuscule as microbes, given his quirk revolves around him being able to perceive and shape matter on a molecular level. Basically overhaul-vision is a terrifying thing and anyone might be a germaphobe if they saw the world the way he can. This could also kind of explain why Kai's mysophobia seems to greatly decrease after he lost access to his quirk. This filters from the idea that I think yes, Kai's germaphobia plays a part in his quirk and vice versa. None of this was helped by his mother's death or by Kai finding a book in the orphanage that detailed the theory that all quirks stem from a disease carried by rats.

Back to Kai's mother I'm also toying with the idea that he tried to fix her with his quirk but due to his complete inexperience with his quirk he was not successful. He didn't cause her death, however, she had died in her sleep the night before and he just wasn't aware of it given he would have only been around 4 when this occurred. This being said, I imagine it was speculated that he caused her death so when Kai says things to Eri such as she's a "cursed child" its coming from a personal place.

Kai doesn't remember his mother much at all. He does have vague memories of his childhood home and the squaller they lived in. I imagine his living situation was similar to Hawks in the sense his mom's house was a dump and she was extremely poor before falling ill. His father abandoned them before he was born. This plays into Kai's clean freak / anti clutter tendencies as though Kai was never abused by his mother he considered those conditions nightmarish.

Kai did incredibly well at school. Like. Incredibly well. He would have made a brilliant medicinal chemist and in fact chemistry is Kai's thing. He would have been able to get qualified and go to work in a state of the art lab but Kai has never officially finished his degree. Why ? Because to do so it was required he cut ties with the Yakuza and given Pops and the crew were his only family, that of which he is intensely loyal to, that was a complete no go for him so he dropped out instead. This man should be in the lab. Instead he's in the basement of a shady establishment making quirk destroying bullets out of a 6 year old cause such is life.

Speaking of family and Pops, no, I don't depict Kai as a psychopath. His antisocial tendencies come from his mysophobia (and ofc the Gangster lifestyle he was raised in), less from a genuine hatred of people. He's also extremely intelligent, genius level, and consciously makes a choice to dehumanize certain individuals, Eri included, specifically so they cant/don't weigh on his conscience. Like any good gangster, Kai is actually pretty damn good with people. He is charismatic and most people end up liking him. The parallels Kai has to AFO are striking to me and I intend to keep them as a thing, this said, no I don't portray Kai as a genuine psychopath.

There are people he deeply cares for like Pops and Chrono. This being said Kai is a control freak and due to his quirk he has a slight god-complex at times which can bring about a lot of restricted and inappropriate affect in how he reacts to violence and death. For Kai he's very desensitized. He's very used to pulling people apart and putting them back together. With his quirk he can, in fact, play god in a very real way and he's used to that. Seeing someone he cares about get hurt angers him but his approach to it is more "I'll just fix them" than despair about what has happened.

And yes, Kai is the kind of mysophobe that'll get trapped in a public bathroom because he'd rather wait for someone to open the door than touch the door handle himself and thats on the occasion he's forced to use a public bathroom because he'd rather avoid that at all costs anyway. He's the sort who showers multiple times a day, has weird rituals about it and is someone who washes his hands like three times over every time he washes them (which is already often) because he's full of anxiety and borderline OCD.

The only thing powerful enough to make Kai forget about his germaphobia is rage. He can be angered to the point where germs don't matter anymore. He can also be so compelled to use his quirk germs don't matter anymore. These are very temporary mindsets though, his default is clean freak weirdo.

Okay. Thats all for now. I'll likely add more things if/when I think of them !!

[graglesnov]

When I'm not at work, nothing sounds good to do to relax.

No energy for games.

Don't feel like reading.

Social media is boring and I either keep seeing the same posts or get to where I was when scrolling earlier.

I don't feel like being in discord with friends while I'm doing nothing.

I don't have anything to talk about with anyone or anything currently pressing that needs to be discussed.

Not really close enough with anyone anymore within a short drive to just do random shit with.

I feel like I'm burning out with non-work related stuff, basically everyday life, and I don't know how to fix it.

I was feeling better mentally earlier but now I can feel that going away.

Time to be sad and complain about my passive lifestyle that causes people to forget about interacting with me because I assume that if people wanted to interact, they would.

I know it's not that great of a mindset to have.

But if people really wanted to interact, wouldn't they let me know or check up on me every once in a while?

That part isn't meant about people I interact with on a daily or weekly basis, or for my mutuals on here because I know y'all got a bunch of stuff on your own metaphorical plates.

Like shit, I can't even properly communicate outside of being already acquainted or work situations anymore.

I also am a fucking hermit that rarely leaves their room (a point that I've hammered in most vent posts to where it's annoying).

Shit, these "see more" vent posts are probably annoying anyway, especially right now with me posting multiple in a short few days.

I need a proper distraction from everything.

I need to be head empty, no thoughts.

My self hatred thoughts are starting to become too loud again.

I ain't really got much to look forward to in life in general.

I just accept things, no matter how shitty they can be.

I never speak up for myself.

I let people walk all over me.

Not much has changed with this behavior since high school.

I'm going to be 30 next year and I don't know fuck all about how to do adult life

Yeah I'm planning on moving into an apartment with a friend, but again I don't know shit about anything.

I can already feel that I'm going to fuck up somewhere in this planning.

I just know it.

If I can't trust myself to take care of myself, how am I going to trust myself to be responsible for any of the stuff that comes with finally leaving home.

Shit, the reason I ended my last relationship was because I can't take care of myself and I don't make enough to even think of being able to, so how am I going to be able to be a decent partner?

And with the apartment plans, this is a ride or die friendship, and all the other plans for her fell through, and I want to help as best as I can. But I'm now remembering the above paragraph. How the fuck are things going to work out?

I'm fucking useless, I can't adapt to good changes, I constantly blow off opportunities that are presented to me.

I genuinely wonder how people can enjoy my presence.

As hammered in of a point as it is in these vent rant shit fuck posts, I literally bring nothing to the table for friendships/relationships/etc that is useful.

I'm always the one people are having to help, and I want to repay everyone for however they've assisted me in life, but I'll never be able to.

Honestly there is no point to this post besides me just constantly putting myself down.

My brain is telling me I'm just a waste of people's time, resources, and efforts.

I definitely know I'm the family disappointment, I'm the biggest fuck up on the family trees and I'm not going to be responsible for bringing more life into this fucked world we live on.

I don't know where I'm going anymore with this post.

It just went from talking about how I'm getting non-work burnout and now it's just "fuck I'm not worth any effort".

Should I rethink posting this for my mental health and for friends who care about me? Probably. Am I going to? No, I need to get this all out of my head.

Edit: I forgot to mention how I've been trying to avoid emotions towards people. I don't need to be having feelings for anyone right now since I can't handle taking care of myself. I've somehow caught feelings for someone. I hate it. Even more dumb is I'm trying to fight those feelings by getting to know a cute coworker. I can't stop being an idiot.

Edit 2: Now that I've over thought it some more, a relationship with me for anyone wouldn't even be a healthy one. Reasons as to why? Read the above paragraphs. You can even talk to my exes. The relationships weren't all bad, I'm just kinda emotionally checked out and am not that great with being there.

I don't like having feelings anymore. I was getting used to being fine without associating any sort of feelings toward specific people. Sure I complained about being lonely, but I just crave being touched in any way. I haven't had a good hug in a while.

Edit 3: Damn, I knew I wasn't doing alright, but NSFW content ain't doing anything for me right now. That's how you know I'm hardcore out of it.