#can you tell that im manic
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I'm autistic and off-putting, but the hoes love it
#gotta beat them off with a stick#i have been told many times that im funny as hell like my dude i am simply trying to exist and be normal but thank you#wanted to be a normal peasant but instead ppl think im the king and the jester#autism moment#autistic adult#autism#autistic#what made you like me was it my autistic swag and weird vocal stims or the stupid faces i make and my need to give love and gifts#its all the above. i make them fall for me then make them miniature gifts from paper and then they love me#can you tell that im manic#i walked around my neighborhood from 3:30-5am and then chugged a red bull and now im watching a 6hr deepdive on fraggle rock season 2#uuuuoogh
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when the new upload has the streamer acting terrified for his life and speaking in a hushed whisper only to immediately manically scream insults at the Thing that was chasing them once they realize that, for now, they’re safe and also has them slowly getting more and more irritated and fearful and very clearly insane from getting torn apart again and again but yet not being allowed to die only escaping with his body not his soul>>
#if you cant tell i watched the new slmccl upload and Im. So Normal about this.#(HIS ACTING IS SO GOOD THE WAY YOU CAN /HEAR/ THE DESPERATION AND INSANITY GROWING EACH AND EVERY /MINUTE/ THE WAY EVEN THOUGH ITS JUST HIS#VOICE YOU CAN HEAR THE PURE UNFILTERED PANIC ON HIS FACE DURING THE LIBARY SECTION AND THE AGONY AS THE MONSTERS RIP HIM APART ONLY TO BRIN#HIM BACK AND THE MANIC LAUGHTER AND SHAKY BREATHING BOTH GROWING EVER MORE LOUD AND INTENSE AS THE VIDEO GOES ON ITS ALL JUST AHHHGGGG>>>>)#anyways chat im soooo normal trust#rainee enjoys things#rainee rants about the most obscene topics#slimecicle#backrooms
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congrats to toshiro for being the first male victim of fandom misogyny
#i just saw someone tell that they hate him bc he is in the way of f_rcille. goodbye im killing myself#LIKE.....HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE ANY PROBLEM WITH THATTT#ARE YOU STUPIDDD#IDGAF THAT YOU LIKE YOUR WHITE SHIP DONT FUCKING GO BE RACIST TO HIM WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU#but errmmm its okay bc he a MAN!!!! and a CREEP and a mysoginyst!!! he manic pixie dream girl'd falin!!!! <- SARCASM#can you pls not hate on my autistic asian guy. bc of white ppl#dunmeshi#fandom racism#also if you hate him AT LEAST USE HIS NAME. HIS REAL NAME!!! TOSHIRO!!! GOOODDDDDD#'he owned slaves' THATS HIS DAD. HIS FATHER. AN AUTHORITATIVE FIGURE. HE CANT SPEAK UP ITS A NUANCE BC YOU CANNOT SPEAK BACK TO YUR PARENTT#and also the fact that hes the eldest so i sympathize with him sm. as an eldest sibling#jesus christ. im so tired of this fandom i dont think i can ever fucking interact with it. i hate this.#im reusing this joke fuck you#rant#dungeon meshi#toshiro nakamoto
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whatever you do, don't think about how lana saw herself in edgeworth, ok? don't think about how she wanted to distance herself from him the moment they met because he could possibly see through the sl-9 plan and ruin everything, but she couldn't because he was kind, if not a little awkward, to her terrified sister in a case where everyone else's only concern was securing a conviction. don't think about how she brought ema to the prosecutor's office (because she damn well wasn't going to let her sister face this alone) with her hackles raised and her defences bolstered because she'd heard about the "demon prosecutor" and his ways just to realise he's nothing but a young man, trying his best to survive under the weight of his mentor's shadow and ensure justice is served by whatever means he can. don't think about how she felt later, when she was under gant's thumb and knew for a fact that all those rumours surrounding von karma's perfect record were, in fact, true and that he was using edgeworth's faith in him to fulfill his own goals. don't think about how she felt when she had to begin doing the same. or what must have gone through her head when she entered her office one morning to find a case approval form waiting for her on her desk: the state v. miles edgeworth. don't think about how she knew, once she saw the name of the prosecutor assigned to his case, that she was signing his death warrant. don't imagine what she rehearsed saying to his sister or her realisation, after his miraculous survival, why he had been so understanding of her own. don't wonder, as she did, ineffectually, if it was his competence or her fondness for him that led to his car and knife being chosen to cover goodman's murder — a second attempt at his permanent removal — and whether it was affection or guilt that made her stand by the corpse, waiting readily to be caught in his stead. don't think about how she finds out, eventually, that he is gone, in a jail cell so far from remorse, gratitude and closure that she can only sit and turn in her head distorted thoughts about luck and fortuitous third chances. don't.
#i am gripping you by the shoulders through the bars of my cage as i say this. and shaking manically.#lana skye#miles edgeworth#rise from the ashes#the lana-edgeworth brainworms have won the battle inside my brain but i refuse to be the only loser. the moment i realised she would have#been the one who signed off on von karma taking edgeworth's trial it was all over#and the edgeworth-gregory to ema-neil parallels were just the final nails in the coffin.#on another note i just realised that edgeworth gets investigated by the pic (or a similar body) in rfta rather than it happening for the#first time in aai2. idk it's probably just that they forgot but i like that justine doesnt bring this up when she's giving edgeworth the#pic's reasoning for suspecting him of misconduct. like yeah let's not bring up the case that made him suicidal. his mentor is fair game but#not that. idk i just think it's nice. rfta would 100% be the stronger justification but she doesnt use it. at least not directly.#back on topic though i've espoused too long on the ills of pushing all character relationships into either romantic or familial boxes#to claim that the skyes and edgeworth are like siblings but. i am gritting my teeth and glaring at that sentiment and making inarticulate#gestures around it. emphatically.#im writing this all past 12 am again can you guys tell
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save me Itapan, Itapan save me
“Oh, please stay by me, Veneziano”
#hetalia#hws#aph#train station#hws japan#hws italy#aph italy#aph japan#itapan#art that i needed to make because im crazy.#thanks weiner and aesth#just realized i had to write that out#what the fuck am i on- ‘thanks wiener and aesth’ ? i sound like a gay dolphin on them ‘roids#can you tell im manic and delirious#just take the damn art
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When you backread through a fun conversation you had with someone for hours an angel gets its wings
#I was talking to my brother about Norman doors and I had fun in my UX class and he was telling me about demon cores and the trolley problem#in his class. AND I remembered to take my meds today so I can feel every cell in my body. i can feel the neurons rubbing together#and yesterday I infodumped about the specialists bullseye chart to crow and how it ties with witch hat atelier#WHICH I MANAGED TOGET THEM TK READ IM SO HAPPY. I MAKE SQUEALING GUINEA PIG NOISES EVERY TIME THEY TELL ME WHAT THEYVE READ SO FAR. AHH#i might not even be scratching the surface with witch hat there are so many themes i could not possibly fathom or go over my heasd#and thats what makes it so exciting there are so many spaces in between that you can fill with your thoughts and i. i#waves my hands around manically#for anyone interested in my insane ramblings. the bullseye chart is from are we all scientific experts now by harry collins#in my own words its basically saying everything we know about anything is a game of broken telephone#and it discusses how information gets lost in translation between experts and laymen including things that arent in control#one of the main points was how things that happen between experts are complicated including debates and findings#that you can only really understand thru research and experience in that field and cant be smoothly shared without it being reworded#and risking some of those key points. or even concepts that are hard to understand that cant be shared at all#like if you tried to tell me about how DNA works using words scientists are familiar with but i am NOT- i risk missing concepts that i need#to understand to know how it works on the level you understand. or i risk having it reworded and understanding it but not on that level#AND IT DOES TIE TO WITCH HAT THE WITCH AND NORMAL FOLK COMMUNITIES I PROMISE. ITS SO INTERESTING#anyway i spent hours reading back thru that conversation and i might as well admit it goes for almost every fun conversation i have#and it might be the 20mg of adderall in my body but i am in such a state of peace and love i have to verbalize it. ahh#yapping
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cold: whatever makes you... happy.
me: WHY CANT YOU EBE BFFBJENF NENDJJFJDJD BE HONEST WITH YOUR FEELINGS WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS. WHAT DID YOH MEAN BY THIS . YOU DIDNT WANT THE COMFORT BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT WOULD BE THE CARE YOU NEEDED. YOU KEEP YOURSELF FROM FEELING PAIN AND JOY BECAUSE YOU ARE SCARED OF MORE PAIN AND JOY LEAVING. YOU ARE SO FUCKING TRAUMATIZED AND YOU DONT WANT OTHERS TO BE HURT TOO. PHYSICAL PAIN IS NOTHING BECAUSE YOUR EMO ASS IS IN MENTAL PAIN ETERNALLY AND YOURE SO FUCKED UP YOU CANT TELL THE DIFFERENCE
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if i had a dollar for every time a religious missionary knocked on my door to "spread the good news" while i was actively in an acute mental health crisis i'd have 2 dollars, which isnt a lot but also. how many times does this have to happen before they stop coming.
#technically ive actually had three but the ones where they come to my home feel more violating and embarrassing#heads up im going to talk about grim things but its so bananas that its hard not to talk about#2 years ago i had one come while i was Participating In An Activity One Does When You're Grappling With SI#and it was a very bad time and an overall terrible encounter#especially bc it was obvious at the time i was deeply unwell but of course they didnt want to actually address it#and today i had two come while i was having an active manic episode and looked DEEPLY insane and was in the middle of some bullshit#and both times as soon as i opened the door i can tell theyre like 'oh fuck' and realize that theres something serious going on#but at the same time. play stupid games win stupid prizes.#if someone is having a MH crisis they try to do it in a safe and private environment like their gotdamn house for a reason w/o strangers#and if you just show up unannounced to talk about Mormonism to a random persons house theres a good chance youre going to be-#interrupting something and that something isnt always good#i know door-to-door solicitors are '''normal''' but the whole thing really whacks me out and makes me feel kind of angry
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woke up nauseous with my legs hurting, my body feeling like it got hit by a truck and my head splitting. it took me a full minute until the sinking realization: oh, karfy forgot to take her crazy pills last night.
#its gonna be a day#either a manic or a depressive episode is coming in 5-4-3-2....#will delete later#you can tell im unstable because im posting about my personal life on main
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if i was a patient in baltimore state hospital for the criminally insane id try to lick my way out unil frederick chilton let me out for being too much of a danger to will graham
#i think im manic#hannibal#hannigram#will graham#nbc hannibal#hannibal lecter#baltimore state hospital for the criminally insane#frederick chilton#can you tell im rewatching hannibal#💫
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returning to a fic i abandoned in december at nearly 4k words and thought was GARBAGE and . wait this is good !!!!! i'm editing it and trying to finish it because it is a very important story to me :-(
#oct-february was the worst time of my entire life so . i felt all my writing at the time was Terrible#the only thing i completed aside from poetry was during my january manic episode#the mania was NOT fun but . tbh that fic i published in january was pretty damn good#anyway . returning to my writing . and i can tell i've grown a LOT as a writer but also . this is not BAD i was just very sad at the time#i think you guys will really really like this fic i hope i can keep up with it im abt a third of the way through
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guy who hasnt taken his meds in a week: oh so theres no point? were all doomed? im doomed? im going to die? theres no point in trying? its all hopeless?
#talking#i have taken my meds im just irregular and eating things im allergic to so that i can get blood work in a week and a half to PROVE#that i am allergic to it#might be starting my period too idk. i cant tell if its period cramps or bowl cramps. well see!!!#either way and all together my emotional processing rn is fried#PLUS i just got back from an AWESOME trip and im like. why am i back. why didnt i just stay there. whats the point.#I WISH I WAS LESS STABLE FOR REAL#I FUCKING HATE BEING SELF AWARE ARE YOU KIDDING I DONT GET TO TO ANYTHING#I DONT GET TO BE IMPULSIVE OR MANIC I JUST SIT HERE THINKING ABOUT HOW INSTEAD I SHOULD DO NOTHING EVER#AHHHHHHHHH
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the most important thing about qifrey losing his shit next month is that he starts to enjoy it. like yea i know he's initially angyr bc coco got hurt but it is soooooo important that qifrey slowly starts to enjoy taking his anger out on the brimmed caps as retribution for his eye
#PLEASE GOD#if i dont see blood splattered on his face with a manic light in his eye then it wasn't done right#witch hat atelier#witch hat atelier spoilers#anw. can you tell im excited for this chapter#tbna spoilers#qifrey
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Circling my computer like an uneasy dog because all I want to do is write but I have so many things I have to do and I just. Gnaws my own paw off to escape the trap.
#DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO GET THESE BILLS TO PAY THEMSELVES? ANYONE?#you can tell when im a bit manic because i post
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"if youre still taking requests-" im never not taking voice shipping requests. if you want to see voices kissing, then by god i do too
#i may or may not have run out of voices to smack together#i work on savethepoet but i . i still want . them to kiss ..#isnt it great that you can tell when im manic
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genuinely so fucked up right now, and so desperate to leave the house, that i would consider my pap smear, a holiday
#a doctor sticking a brush up my vagina would actually be a welcome change of pace to the monotony of my life lately#it’s the closest thing to action i’ve had in a while#and the only woman who’s been near my vagina in a long time soooo yay? i guess?#idk this is so stupid#genuinely though i would take any change right now#it’s like wow autistic fear of change and like yeah i feel ya there but also if things don’t change soon im actually gonna need to be#committed#barely getting through the day#i’m just doing everything on autopilot and i don’t feel anything but completely numb#oh i guess i do feel something: exhausted#then i feel hyper and jumpy and am practically climbing the walls#manic depression is literally soooo much fun!!#can you tell i’m being sarcastic because if i don’t joke i actually want to do something drastic#really feel the urge to isolate myself from all my friends and family#like i’m *this* fucking close to just vanishing off the face of the earth#i wanna walk into the woods and never come back#bye all i’m gonna go become a deer let’s pray i get run over 🙏✌🏻😂
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