#can you tell i took adderall today LOL

[thefinalwitness]

it hit me this morning why i like the uniformity of the ancients so much and why i generally disagree with the idea they should be more visually weird. not that i think anyone is BAD for thinking this, i totally get it, especially in the context of azem and wanting to make yours FEEL like your own. (tangentially, i also think azem is one of the best ancient characters TO deviate from the uniformity, given what we know about them and the people born of their soul.)

but what i find so compelling about a society of people whose Whole Thing is creation magic, the ability to Make Anything, having a lot of stigma against deviation in the form of self expression with one's own body is how SAD it is. how DYSTOPIAN it is. you can invent the most creative, stunning objects and creatures known to man, but you can't even show your face.

i think it's a really powerful, subtle piece of the puzzle that ties the whole concept of the world unsundered together—in particular, how miserable it really was, how unsustainable their society really was, how prone to characters like hermes and venat it really was. it reminds me of some of the worst elements of real life; how creators and inventors are lost and forgotten behind their works (instead accredited to companies, or a single person), how artistic and creative careers are typically treated as unsustainable and simultaneously exploited, how unyielding and suffocating the concept of "normal people" is (to the detriment of anyone who deviates, be it by gender, sexuality, race, abledness, religion...). i think it's genuinely meant to be a commentary on things like that, or at least i think regardless of intention it IS an incredible commentary on that.

i think the ancients are SUPPOSED to be boring and uninspired—wearing the same clothes, concealing their faces, never using their transformations—and i think it reflects such an important element of why the world unsundered was awful: ancients were amounted to their creations and duties, not their own selves. you can even see this in the convocation seats, how you're given a new name that EVERYONE, even your closest friends, almost exclusively refers to you by; the implication that you must not only uphold your duties, but blend in seamlessly with your predecessors and successors, that you must be indistinguishable.

this is HOW characters like hermes and venat developed their respective discontentments with their lives; you were not your own person, but a cog in the star. you did not get to have your own passions, styles, ideas—and even when your role was complete, you couldn't be yourself. you were expected to remove yourself from society. you were expected to cease to exist beyond your function. even despite the fact that the ancients WERE individuals with personalities and dreams. their actual bodies vary widely, their eyes glow vibrantly; almost as if they're MEANT to burst with uniqueness. and it's all buried in black robes and masks.

and i think all this is why i LIKE the uniformity so much, because narratively speaking, it's such a fascinating concept. there's a lot of room to explore how it works, why the people of the unsundered world got to that point, how it might disproportionately benefit some people and hinder others. emet-selch calls it perfect and a paradise, but i always got the impression he was meant to be an INCREDIBLY unreliable narrator; i think he was among the people that benefitted from the uniformity and the "this is just how life is, don't resist it" of it all, and i think you can see him recreating it even worse in allag and garlemald. i think it explains the DEPTHS of his hatred for the sundered too, beyond obvious things like "they're not the people he lost".

because the sundered world, conversely, is FULL of individuality. people look, act, talk and live countless different ways; every city and region has a completely different way of life, so much so that you can tell where someone's from just by how they talk or dress. i think venat understood, especially after meeting the wol, that people needed to be free; that a world like hydaelyn would be someplace people like hermes could thrive. and that this plethora of individuality would be the world's salvation—in all things, not just the song of oblivion. i think this is what "hear, feel, think" MEANS.

and so, to me, so much of the picture is lost if the ancients had utilized their creativity inwardly. that's not to say i'm telling anyone NOT to do it—again, i think azem is a great character TO push against this ideology, and i even have an ancient oc (non-azem) who does the same! i think these people absolutely existed, and were simply drowned out and ostracized by the rest of society. mostly i'm just excited to finally be able to articulate this, and i've seen people also question why the ancients are so boring, and wanted to share my thoughts in case it helps! i really like the ancients because i think they're startlingly human (to say nothing of their actual human resemblance), and i think that's so much more interesting than if they'd been super diverse and alien BECAUSE of how much it harms them as a society. super flawed characters fascinate me and make me reflect on my own choices and ideologies, and i think that's both a lot of fun and super useful just in general!

edited to add: i think there's also the mechanical element of game design, and signaling things to players. while a fictional world can be endlessly different from our own, as creators, we still need to communicate the ideas in a way people who live in our world understand. this is, for example, why i think the ancients appear human; being FROM a world where everybody's human, we immediately associate their resemblance to us as benign and unremarkable. and that's what the ancients, i think, are SUPPOSED to be, or rather, what their society has imposed as "correct". the developers using appearances that we'd see in everyday life makes us think, "oh, that's not very fantastical," which is exactly what the ancients' society wanted people TO think of each other. obviously this is a much more technical reason than the rest of this post, but i think it helps explain why they specifically are uniformly human, and not, like, uniformly purple mantis people (which would be cool and different and fantastical, hence muddying the message!).

[bomberqueen17]

quick turnaround

The first chicken processing day is this coming tuesday. so we got back into town around 7pm last night, and I immediately put a load of laundry in.

This is mostly me wittering about chores and medical stuff, so, cut for boring, LOL.

it's cold and rainy here so I hung last night's laundry up on drying racks in the guest room, so mostly it is dry this morning-- delicates, so they didn't need to dry in the sun really-- and now this morning i've put in a second load and it's already on drying racks and some is on the line, it's not raining but it's cloudy so it'll dry slow, but like, trousers and t-shirts do better on the line than on racks. Yes I do own a dryer-- a gas dryer actually-- but it beats the fuck out of my clothes and I don't like to use it if I can in any way avoid it. (Mostly I use it to tumble towels and dress shirts for fifteen minutes, and then I hang them out once they're steaming and hot, and they dry without wrinkles that way. Yes I'm on the OCD spectrum, yes it mostly manifests about laundry. Hilariously, my farm BIL is also on the OCD spectrum, farther along it toward where it's actually a problem [mine is SO mild I don't claim it as a disorder at all, i just have things i Care About for Reasons], and has done tons of work on himself and tries to mask it, but once I understood that about him I understood that most of our lil workplace quarrels were our compulsions clashing, so I started making more concerted efforts to decide when to bow to his compulsions and when to advocate for mine, which in many cases are informed by superior knowledge as I've worked in food service more than him. I bow to him more on cleaning now because he does have prior janitorial experience. Unless I can prove he's wrong, LOL.)

I went off Ritalin mostly while on vacation-- I took it the morning I went fabric shopping because I thought it might help me actually make decisions, and that went well so maybe it worked. But that means I have extra pills, so I'm going to try to today take a morning and midday dose, while I have So Much To Do to prepare for the coming couple of weeks, and see if that plus the structure of this massive to-do list help me get anywhere. I just feel like if I can have this data before my next $300 3-minute psych consult I'll make more progress. Ritalin is better than Adderall (less brutal comedown, less getting "stuck")-- I *think*, but it's hard to tell. Vyvanse was also very hard to evaluate, is the problem, because that one I never did have any spare pills so I could never try an effective dose.

I do get it, i do get not giving me high doses when I'm so unsupervised, but-- for all of the medications, the first couple of days were weird and I had trouble hydrating and I was jittery and stuff, but it went away so quickly, I would have been fine with "take half dose two days, then ramp up to effective dose and see how it works" type directions, instead of "take what we know absolutely will be too little for you for two weeks and then come back and try to guess whether it helped", which has just meant I don't really have much data to on on here.

But. I've spent almost forty years needing this kind of medication and not able to access it at all, so I'm reminding myself that this is very rapid progress really.

So I figure I'll do a double dose today, a single tomorrow while I'm driving (maybe I will take that sole dose at midday, since driving is easy and boring but then I have work I need to get done all afternoon), and then I'll try either single or double dosing for the week of farm work until I can get my next appointment, depending how many pills I have. I want to be consistent but lol. It's not in my nature and it's not in my circumstances, so it can be a goal.

I also should write down what I realized about my sciatic nerve. I was joking that my knee caught a haunting in New Orleans somehow. Because it went from being a classic sciatic nerve pain situation-- starting in hip, through back of leg, ending at back of knee-- and wound up just being this horrible pinching pain right inside my knee, like not in the joint but somehow manifesting in a dimension extending from the back of my patella into Hell somehow-- and it was keeping me awake both when trying to nap during the day and also at night when trying to sleep. So I gave up on sleeping and sat on the couch to bitch about it in the complaints channel on the Discord where I'm mostly at home (it was a witcher server and over the last two or three years has mutated into just this ragtag group of us bitching about unrelated things and occasionally dumping fanworks on each other, sometimes about unrelated media)--

but here I'm gonna let you in on a secret, which is that complaining works sometimes. What? Yes. So in order to elicit maximal sympathy from my pocket friends by describing the problem really well (they're very good pocket friends, and many of them know things so describing stuff well sometimes means they have good advice, but even if not, I take satisfaction in communicating well, so I at least feel better about having done that), I really started paying attention to the pain, and I realized that what was happening was that it was sort of slowly throbbing on a cycle. I always knew where it was, but then it would get painful enough that I felt I had to move and change position, and it would stay at that level of pain for three or four seconds, and then taper off until I only just was aware of it, and then it would repeat-- and it was on a thirteen-to-fifteen-second cycle, and this is the crucial thing, it was unaffected by movement. I had been tossing and turning because what would happen was that it hurt badly enough that I felt I had to move it, and I would move and the pain would ease, and I would try to settle into a position, and then the pain would come back, and my half-asleep exhausted self thought that it was something I was doing. So it meant I was constantly moving, which meant I could not sleep. I had finally gotten out of bed and was alternating stretching and pacing, which seemed to be helping but then it was coming back, and the pacing sure as fuck wasn't helping me sleep, and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong, until finally I stood still and timed it, and then moved and timed it, and realized it was the same.

Realizing that it was happening regardless of movement made me able to hold still while it hurt most acutely, and then sure enough it faded away. And once I knew that moving wouldn't help, I could ride out the urge to move. And once I wasn't constantly trying to find a comfortable position, I could rest. And once I was resting, I could fall asleep. Because this is the annoying thing-- the pain wasn't that bad, even. It's not the agony it has been in the past. I could move through it, easily. It was just too much to hold still through, until I realized that was what I needed to be doing.

So anyway-- traveling home it was mostly fine, it does not like standing in lines, and mostly i sat as much as possible, which isn't good for me long-term but i know over the next couple of weeks i will be doing a shitton of walking and standing so. we'll figure out tactics then.

so along with the ritalin i will be working out my ideal regimens of ibuprofen, aleve, and weed, LOL. Routine! I can make a routine. I can hinge my routine off other people's, which is what works well for me at the farm, and i can see if i can master the art of the amphetamines and maybe get some of my shit done.

Unfortunately all I want to do this week is sew, I watched all of the tourists and locals in NOLA and looked at what they were wearing and now know exactly what I want to make.

and i don't have time to do any of it. but. if i think about it and make concrete plans, i already own much of the fabric and most of the patterns i need. so i can do this. But I'll post separately about the Fashion Lewks I want to do, LOL.

I won't see my physical therapist again until like maybe early June. I counted it out and I've been doing physical therapy for about sixteen weeks at this point. My sister graduated from her physical therapy program and is out on her own now, having hugely improved. I can tell the bad hip is much improved but not healed-- sitting on the plane yesterday someone walked by and bumped my knee and it absolutely did make the cartilage flap go "pop" so that's not healed, but it hurt a lot less than that sort of thing used to. At the last appointment I had, the PT said I should just keep doing the exercises as my circumstances allow, and if they're too easy just increase reps etc., and we'd re-evaluate when I finally saw her again, because obviously I've had all these underlying cascading problems that can only be slowly solved by getting slowly stronger, so who knows.

I don't have concrete goals for that but I would really just. Like to be not-disabled, mostly. Every person has limits, every person is going to have to sit down sometimes, every person is going to have to think hard and make choices about what they do with their bodies-- it's just part of getting into your mid-forties, really-- so I can't just set my goal as being able to do whatever whenever. But I would like to be able to walk for longer distances, I would like to be able to wait in a line without paying for it for days, I would like to just generally be in better shape. So I guess I'll try to work toward that.

idk. and sometime in july my doctor wants me to re-test my fasting blood glucose because the only thing she cares about of my health is that i'm fat and she thinks putting me on metformin will make me not-fat. you'd think she'd have had some interest in diagnosing the pain that was making me unable to exercise but that was not on her radar i guess.

anyway. that's what i'm going to do to get me to june. it's all farm time for the rest of the month and i'm going to do physical therapy and take meth. we'll see how that goes.

[hismercytomyjustice]

Tried doubling my ADHD meds the past two days because I’m on half of the average dose and tbh I wasn’t even noticing a difference anymore when I took it.

I was worried I might see god, but instead I worked for like ten hours straight yesterday and then again today. I could actually feel it working like it did when I first started taking it. I’ve actually noticed the difference when it’s worn off too.

My brain has been SO QUIET.

It doesn’t feel like there are 12 people in there talking at once. And my OCD has piped the fuck down the past two days too.

It has been SO FUCKING NICE. (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)

I HAVE GOTTEN SO MUCH DONE!!!

ªʱªʱªʱ ꉂ ╰(°ㅂ° )╯

Now I just need to finally get this liver shit sorted out so I can hopefully actually officially get my dose bumped up. I s2g, trying to see this GI specialist has been the fucking bane of my existence for literal months now.

Adderall is processed by the liver, so my psychiatrist wants me to get me cleared on that front before upping my dose. She said she was like 99% sure it’s probably fine, but she wants to be 100% sure.

GOD WILLING I WILL SEE THE GI SPECIALIST NEXT WEEK!

Assuming their power doesn’t go out the day of my appointment again…

Also, found this article and OUCH. Way to fucking MURDER ME. Also explains why I feel like my OCD is less bad when my Adderall is actually working…

I AM IN THESE PICTURES AND I DON’T LIKE IT!

But FUCK if that doesn’t sum up how the past few weeks have been.

And like, you’re supposed to try to resist lapses with OCD. Avoid chasing the RABIT, to use Pacific Rim terminology. But lemme tell ya, when my OCD flares up it is SO FUCKING HARD to realize that’s what I’m doing.

The problem is the main treatment for OCD is REALIZING THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND REDIRECTING YOURSELF.

Otherwise you just keep lapsing and get closer and closer to a full blown relapse. Yay!

I didn’t even realize it had been flaring up pretty badly again until I was talking to my therapist this week and was just like “…wait one goddamn second…”

Because the OCD spirals often feel rational when you’re in the midst of them.

For me, personally, it’s not until I realize that I’m in the midst of one that it clicks and I’m able to take a step back to work on defusing it.

Most of the time I don’t even notice I’m in a spiral until I’m in the midst of venting to someone about my obsessive thoughts.

It’s like being on a hamster wheel where the momentum of the thoughts has built up so much, I don’t even realize how fast I’m going until I try to stop and then I just about get yeeted off of it.

Lol just over there with my brain actively overheating like an overworked laptop and I’m just the frog in the slowly boiling water, not noticing the temperature cranking up. But then someone else touches it and gets burned and it’s like “oh, it’s really hot in here isn’t it?”

And now I’m mixing metaphors or whatever, which means it’s probably time to go to sleep lol.

But yaaaaaay, quieter brain and quieter OCD the past two days!!! I will fucking TAKE IT. (˵ •̀ᴗ•́˵)و AND MAY IT CONTINUE!!!

[foxbox23232]

It upsets me how rude, mean, and judgmental specifically libs can be to conservatives. All the while ironically talking about how they are the victims of them lol. Idk, I just get it now. And I mean hey sometimes there are mean or rude conservatives. I am not one for politics even though I more side with conservatives these days. Also most of my friends i would consider conservative.

It’s sad how the enemy divides and makes Gods people look bad. Let’s talk about Covid. Well if you don’t get the shots and wear the masks you’re just ignorant they say. Look what the government and scientists say. Covid is just like any other disease to God. But unspiritual people are not capable of understanding that God still heals today. “Satan has blinded the minds of unbelievers” 2 Cor 4:4

Also I have a theory that conservative people died of covid because 1) they either didn’t believe covid is real lol which was false AND didn’t have God either unfortunately or 2) they had religious spirit and thought they knew God when they didn’t actually know him at all…

Let me give an example. My spiritual mom got a fever and she heard Jesus tell her to continue her day and go grocery shopping. So she listened and right when she left the store her fever was completely gone. It was her faith that made her well. Luke 18:42

Worldly things will not affect you if you are a true believer of God and have no evil in you. Attacks come they do we are human and susceptible to attacks. But God teaches us how to fight them away. And another thing, I’ve heard of many testimony where God did instruct people not to wear a mask or get a shot. And fortunately they ended up okay and most of the time got a new job or moved away. But these people I would consider prophetic and actually have a real intimate and tangible relationship with God. Just like my spiritual mom.

I did personally end up getting the shots and had more lib views at the time. I did not understand that Jesus heals. I didn’t understand until I would see it for my own eyes or experience healings for myself. Diseases that people got diagnosed with that same day casted out and completely gone after. It’s incredible and there is nothing else on this earth I’ve seen like it. It’s sad how people would rather trust big pharma than God, like they even care about you at all lol. But they just don’t understand because they don’t know God 🥺

Also, I had to repent of the shots and I recommend everyone repents of the shots because you probably did get something from it. I don’t want to scare anyone though. But considering the reality of the situation maybe you should be scared of the what the enemy is doing to you. Anyways, I did pray for unbelievers who had covid and they did experience either healing or Holy Spirit. And it was actually instantly most of the time. Which showed me the spiritual reality behind what is actually going on. Some people refused which made me sad but hey just goes back to that reality that they don’t understand or know God.

Reminds me of a story. I was at church, got prayed over, and received healing for something. The pastor said how I would be healing people soon and to take note. I didn’t really understand what that meant at the time just thought it was really cool. Time went on and a few weeks later I decided to randomly visit my mom. She was sick in bed. She told me how she worked with chemicals earlier, drank too much caffeine, and took adderall and she couldn’t eat or drink without throwing up. She also couldn’t sleep because she was so wired. I decided to test it out on her, and since she did already accept Holy Spirit I knew I had a good chance of healing my mom. For that is the God who heals. And I knew my mom was in a good position to receive healing. Anyways, it takes discernment which comes from the Spirit but anyways, I got my prayer book and did a prayer similar to what my pastor did for me. Took maybe 10-20 minutes. After I finished my mom literally got up, belched, and went to the kitchen to start eating food. My mom was instantly healed. And her sickness was completely gone after that.

[sanderssideswriting]

Youtuber Life Chapter 1

Based off this post

Ships: familial sleepxiety and eventual Prinxiety

Words:???

first  next

Summary: Remy Sanders is a famous beauty vlogger and just moved to LA with his teenage son Virgil after their location was leaked by fans. Remy AKA CoffeeAddiction has several million subscribers. Virgil also has a secret Drama channel, where he doesn’t show his face and uses a voice modifier. He just hit a million subs and grows more everyday because of the level of production his videos have, the mystery around who he is and the fact that he ALWAYS has the latest information regarding youtube drama.

The house was pretty big, it wasn't where most youtuber houses where but it also wasn’t to far. Remy was already vlogging about the new house.

“This is my new house, there will be a house tour later, this time I’ll be making sure you guys can’t find it. I love y’all but I don’t love it when people find out where I live and then put it on the internet. I like my privacy, well the little I have left and I’d like to keep it that way. See you soon babes,” and the camera was turned off.

the first thing they set up was the basement, where Remy filmed almost everything with another room to do voiceovers and editing.

Virgil and Remy had a pretty good time decorating the house and it turned out really nice.

Then school started.

Virgil was dreading it, to say the least, he did NOT want to be the new kid. Being the new id sucks, everyone wants to know everything about you. And Virgil tended to avoid talking about his personal life for obvious reasons. But the kids at his school wouldn’t know that.

Then he found out it would be private school.

“Dad! There’ll be fake stoners! They’re worse then real stones! Plus everyone will be stuck up and annoying! I’ll have to wear a uniform!” He complained.

“They have a Starbucks in the cafeteria,” Remy said.

Virgil shut up.

The first day of school came and Virgil did indeed have to wear a uniform, it wasn’t that terrible, but he still hated it simply because it was a uniform.

At school he was given his schedule and a map and left to find his own way to class. He was only ten minutes late to the first one and five minute to every one after that.

At lunch there was no Starbucks apart from stuff in bottles, Virgil bought two anyway but  texted his dad.

V: you lied about the Starbucks Remy: Technically they DO have Starbucks V: not the good kush Remy: It’s cold and it has caffeine and the logo V: you’d never drink it Remy: I can afford not to V: so can I, just can’t get any atm Remy: pay attention in class V: it’s lunch Remy: make friends! Or like idk make a sarcastic tweet on Twitter, apparently texting your dad isn’t very cool with the kids these days V: it would be if they knew that YOU’RE my dad Remy: go drink coffee or something, I need to edit

“Hey! You’re new right?” A boy with light brown hair and round glasses asked sitting down.

Virgil nodded.

“I’m Patton Foster and this is Logan Berry, our other friend Roman Prince is coming he’s meeting with a teacher,” Patton said.

“Virgil Sanders,” Virgil said.

Patton and Logan seemed to take that as their queue to sit down with him.

“Where did you move from?” Patton asked.

“Atlanta.”

“Cool! Why did you move here?” Patton asked trying to make conversation.

“My dads job,” Virgil said.

His phone buzzed, he best friend Janus and Remus had snapped him.

It was a basic snap saying “how’s LA treating you? See Jake Paul yet?”

Virgil texted them back.

Racoon: lol not yet, but I’m sure it’ll be soon Hiss hiss motherfucker: yeah, they’re like an infestation Raccoon: ouch Dukey: How’s the Starbucks at your fancy rich kid school? Racoon: A fucking lie, at this rate I’ll be drinking the bang they have Hiss hiss motherfucker: ew, no don’t Racoon: I know Dukey: Seen any stoners or druggies yet? Racoon: saw a few fake ones, including one kid asking everyone if they’d sell him their Adderall Dukey: weakass stoners Racoon: you have ADHD not a drug problem Remus, you’re not a stoner Dukey: I could be Hiss hiss motherfucker: well you’re not, so shut the fuck up Hiss hiss motherfucker: there’s a new pallet coming out in a few weeks... Racoon: Not doing it, it’ll be hard enough to get one, get your own Hiss hiss motherfucker: at least tell me how you LAWAYS get them Racoon: lol no

Janus sent a lovely picture of his middle finger

Virgil did the same, but with his face in it.

“Hey, you’re the new kid right?” Another guy said sitting down, Roman probably.

“Unfortunately, Virgil Sanders.”

“Roman Prince, your name sounds familiar,” Roman said.

Virgil shrugged “no idea why,”

“Where are you from?”

“Atlanta, isn’t that cool Roman!” Patton said.

“That’s how I know you! My twin Remus Duke, I think he’s told me about you before,” Roman said.

Virgil took a picture of Roman and sent it to Remus.

Racoon: you know him? Dukey: yeah, he’s my twin, why? Racoon: first of all you have a TWIN? I thought you where an only child. Dukey: child of divorce here, yeah we still talk. Small world ig Racoon: and you told him about me? Dukey: yeah, so? Or are you to stuck up to have people talk about you? Racoon: fuck off, or I’ll do your channel next Disgrace Dukey: try me bitch

“Yeah no, your right, Remus just didn’t say he was a fucking twin for some reason,” Virgil said.

Roman looked pretty offended at that. Virgil smirked “now I know why Remus says ‘offended princey noises’ all the time.”

“That fiend says what?” Roman demanded.

“Don’t hurt yourself Princey.”

The bell rang and Virgil made a quick exit.

At home he got in and saw the Filming light by the basement door was on. He opened the door anyway. “Has the espresso machine been unpacked? Also you fucking lied! There was no Starbucks!”

“Filming! Read the fucking sign, of course it was unpacked and it’s your fault for thinking it was a rich, rich kid school. Why the fuck would they have an actual Starbucks in the cafeteria? What did you learn today? And get me some espresso if you’re going to make some.”

“Fake stoners are worse then real stoners and they can go fuck themselves,” Virgil said before closing the door to get some espresso, which he promptly mixed into his coffee.

“People have been begging me to do an update on this so here it is. Trisha Paytas and DID, sorry it hasn’t been done yet but I’ve been getting new equipment and also moving stuff around so I can have a bigger space to edit and record. So we all know she’s faking, I’ve actually been doing research, not a ton, I’m not an expert but I have been learning. Not only to debunk Trisha but just understand DID more because I’m very uneducated and want to change that. DID is a very serious condition and Trish is not portraying it well or even describing it, she is describing things everyone does. Such as living in America and going to England, everyone’s accent naturally changes over time, you act differently around people. Those are not alters, that has nothing to do with DID. Let’s get into the video so I can correct more but not everything because I’m not an expert. “That’s it for today, I can’t take anymore stupidity so I’ll see you next week for another episode of “What the fuck did she say now?”

[omgokiguess]

wow guys i just got out of rehab today

first of all. it was so terrible except for some of the people there. but also a couple of the people there really sucked too.

the staff was TERRIBLE. they were literally so mean and power hungry. i was friends with basically every patient (except for the few shitty ones) and was really nice to them.... like i took in this innocent 20yo girl who started calling me her big sister and i helped this 21yo girl so much with her anxiety..... like i took care of everyone that i could and i stuck up for everyone that the staff treated like shit. and the staff was so fucking rude to me. the whole staff said so many times “we have no problem giving you extra phone time/computer time to take care of things like work, aftercare, legal problems, financial problems, etc” but literally every single time i asked to call work or call my lawyer or anything i got a no. it literally took me two full weeks to get things straightened out with exelon and i literally got let go from anthro because they would just not let me get on the phone so that’s cool. i never once was able to speak to my lawyer or my pre-trial officer. neat. also i got in a pretty heated fight with this one bitch employee who told me i was disrespectful because i asked her superior to open the laundry room for me because i had my period and needed new underwear out of the dryer. we were like screaming at each other and she ended up being sent home for four days. two guys actually ended up leaving randomly and left all their shit including their phones and wallets. that’s how bad the staff was.

the doctor was really good and knowledgeable and helpful and i really liked him. he was really chill. but i do have to say he really was pushing meds on not just me but everyone. i didn’t get on any meds though, and honestly one of the nurses congratulated me for not getting on meds when i left. i thought it was fucked up that i was the only person not on meds. we’re just alcoholics.... there’s no way we’re all fucking psychotic or something. nobody was on less than 2 meds besides me and i would say the average number of different meds was about 4 for somebody my age.

the staff just really frustrated me. it’s rehab so obviously there are a lot of rules for the sake of having rules and i honestly did not have a problem with the rules even though a lot of them were very silly. like you would not find me complaining about the unhealthy food, the fact that they said the gym would be open certain hours but was actually never open because they were “understaffed,” that our bathrooms were locked from 7:30am - 9:30pm and 25 people had to share two toilets, that there were essentially no covid-19 precautions, that somebody checked where i was every 15 minutes, that smoking a pack of cigarettes a day is okay but the juul is not, that i had to get the actual doctor to approve me using contact solution or allergy medication, or any other stupid thing they enforced. i literally only complained about the fact that i couldn’t talk to my employer(s), couldn’t talk to my lawyer, couldn’t talk to my pre-trial officer, couldn’t figure out my aftercare, couldn’t call my therapist, and that the staff spoke to me like i was either an idiot, a delinquent, or like i was a bitch.

i did put up one little stink though. this bitch that worked there, if we were in our rooms, when she checked on us she didn’t knock she just fucking opened up the door, so i decided to just chill in my room and read in the nude one day cause i knew she would just open the door without knocking... and wouldn’t it be fun for her to have to deal with the sight of my entire bush..... so i went for it lmao. she told the entire staff that she walked in on me LOL and the “director of operations” (this woman is truly a dumb cunt) asked my roommate, who was a 45 year old MD from lake forest, if she wanted to switch roommates (???) and dr. nancy my hero was like “um no i actually lucked out with erin and also diana should learn to knock.”

anyway, nancy and brittany my two fave people, left on the same day which really sucked but whatever. then sam left which also whatever... i loved her too. and then..... oh god i hate to admit this so much.... but then michael came in. he made it in 3-ish days before i left.

i literally have NO IDEA why this would be, but okay the protocol is before you go to rehab you go through alcohol detox in the hospital, so i was an inpatient in the hospital for 5 days. i slept through most of that because they put me on valium for those 5 days so that I wouldn’t experience the hells of alcohol withdrawal. i’m glad i was asleep for most of it though because there was nothing at all to do, they had like 3 different crossword puzzles and no TV but as it turns out..... i wasn’t in the alcohol detox section of the hospital.... for some reason they put me in the psychotic wing..... there were only 6 patients total in that wing and i was the only person living in reality. one woman escaped the hospital because she thought her husband was telling her to leave, and the other 4 men were handcuffed to their beds. i was the only person in there with any sense of reality, and i had gotten there in the middle of the night so i was unaware of other wings in the hospital. on my last night there, they moved me to “2 north” aka the normal alcohol detox wing, which probably had 100 people in it. so in the morning we all had breakfast together and i was like WHAT THE HELL..... I COULD HAVE MADE FRIENDS HERE.... and that’s when i met michael. i knew him for like a full 90 minutes total in inpatient but we were literally instant best friends. we met because some old men were telling me jokes trying to get me to laugh and he was sitting nearby and he was like “so how old are you like 35?” and i was like “you’ve got to be kidding me fuck you....” and he was like “yeah lol i’m kidding” and i was like playing back, like “so how old are you like 45?” cause he looked about 30 and he was like “yes” and i was like okay bullshit so he showed me his hospital band and it said 45..... and i was like okay this is ridiculous. anyway he had been to the rehab i was going to before so he told me about it and he gave me a note for sam and i just thought he was really cool. he was getting ECT treatments which is “a treatment most commonly used in patients with severe major depression or bipolar disorder that have not responded to other treatments. ECT involves a brief electrical stimulation of the brain while the patient is under anesthesia.” aka it’s literally where they put those diodes on your brain and shock you. he got 16 treatments. i thought he might end up back in rehab with me. but he spent like 2 full months in inpatient which is super abnormal, almost everyone is there for exactly 5 days like me. anyways

so michael shows up right before i leave and the big question is WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME...... i spent like 3 days with him nonstop and we can probably all see where this is going but.... this dumbass of course falls for him....???? there were some cuties in rehab and i had NO INTEREST in any of them but idk michael is just kind of.... the personality i’ve been looking for.

couple problems. 1. i have a boyfriend. 2. michael is 5′6″ .... (???) .... 3. i cannot get his fucking stupid smile out of my head and i’m hoping i was just sexually deprived for weeks and this is just a dumb thing BUT

idk my boyfriend like made all these promises of things he was going to do for me while i was in rehab and he kind of didn’t follow through on any of them. i really basically only told him and my sister that i’m going to rehab and my sister lives in boston and so i kind of assumed he would do the things he promised he would do, which clearly was stupid on my part. i can’t rely on him. i should have learned that by now... if i want something done i have to do it myself. i didn’t even ask very much of him. he basically promised four things. 1. he would take care of my guinea pigs. 2. he would check on my car to be sure it doesn’t get impounded 3. he would clean my room before i get back and 4. he would bring me the stuff i need (contact lenses to fucking see, hairbrush, tampons, other necessities) since they wouldn’t let me leave hospital care between detox and rehab. the only one of those he did was take care of my guinea pigs, which is essentially nothing because he goes to whole foods every day and his MAID cleaned their cage.

and idk, we were allowed 10 minutes of combined computer and phone time a day (which is literally nothing), and i always called him and ignored the computer because i thought he would want to hear from me and i would want to hear from him too, but at least 30% of the time i left phone time upset and crying. i mean i was turning my whole entire life around and it took him 13 days just to check to see that my car wasn’t impounded, and he had the audacity to complain that he was overwhelmed with all the stuff he had to deal with on my behalf even though it was literally just feeding my guinea pigs and then he had his own work shit. i suspect he’s taking more adderall than he should again. but i can’t even complain. his dad found the lawyer that may end up saving my life. 

and anyway. he never ended up cleaning my room (he wasn’t even gonna clean it himself, he was going to hire someone to clean it and he couldn’t even do that even though he promised. i don’t need it i just kind of thought he was gonna keep his promise), and it took him 5 days to bring me the stuff i need. i kept in one pair of dailies for 5 days (i wore my last pair over from detox) and went blind for 2 days. my rehab was only 20 minutes from his house, a straight shot on the never-crowded 294. i left him with all of my debit cards and pins too, and bank logins so that he wouldn’t have to pay for anything i needed. 

and idk then when i talked to him, whenever i complained about rehab he would just kind of be like “this is why you should have gone to PSI” which is where he went to rehab for marijuana.... which costs and arm and a leg because his dad will pay for anything for him and he doesn’t understand that i’m paying for this myself. and i didn’t want some cushy rehab. i mean yeah i didn’t want the staff to be such a load of cunts but i didn’t want his cushy frilly rehab experience. i would have really liked my program if there had just been better people working there. and he wanted to talk about my sobriety so much and like.... i don’t want to talk about it with him. idk in his head i think he thinks i’m taking his exact same journey and like i’m NOT. like it’s not even the same drug. he acts like he totally understands and it’s like... yes there is a lot he understands but there’s a lot that’s different and there’s no way ANY two patients ever went through the exact same thing, ESPECIALLY when it’s different drugs!!!!

and i’ve been with him since about 1p today (he was late to pick me up, it was supposed to be noon, which he promised he wouldn’t be late, and him being late was also something i brought up a lot in rehab because it caused me so much stress..... i just KNEW he was gonna be late and it caused me a lot of anxiety and i told him this so much and he was still late) (and anyway the point here is).... i’ve been with him since 1 and he just keeps saying weird stuff about alcohol. which is EXACTLY why i didn’t want anybody to know i was going to rehab. like after eating hospital food for weeks i wanted to go to a nice restaurant and most nice restaurants serve alcohol.... which is FINE like i was not gonna drink.... but he kept saying things like “we probably shouldn’t go to a pub” or “lake forest food and wine hmm better not go there” and it’s like..... i’m fucking HUNGRY i purposely didn’t eat the hospital food because i wanted to eat good food and it took us till 2:30pm to get somewhere because he felt the need to beat around the alcohol bush.... and every time alcohol came up in conversation (which just HAPPENS because that is how life is....) he’d be like oh sorry shouldn’t mention that and it’s like I CAN HANDLE IT..... i literally finally said to him “wow I’m so glad I didn’t tell anyone i went to rehab because if everybody talked to me the way you’re talking to me that would make me want to drink”

and also right before i went to rehab i told him i was afraid i wasn’t going to like him anymore if i was sober. and boy was i right. and adding michael in did not fucking help. i told myself i would never like somebody fucking shorter than me but i can’t fucking help it. i’ve never liked people for their looks anyway and his personality is just fucking perfect. i can’t get his voice and his smile out of my head. and i trust him to be sober. i really do. this was his first relapse in five years, and he only spent one month drinking before getting help. and i think we could be sober together. 

idk maybe i was just so sex deprived that i was just horny or something. i don’t know.

i start online intensive outpatient tomorrow at noon. this week i have it wednesday thursday and friday but it’s gonna be different every week and somebody is going to at least speak with me every day. i’m doing it through derek’s practice and i told him to make sure i have a lot of homework.

i’m not sure how or when i’m going to get back to work. i don’t even really care though. i can always get another job. and after talking to my sister and working through some therapy at rehab, i almost think it’s best to move anyway. i think it would really help me to get away from my parents.

idk. my life is just so in limbo right now. i can stay on FMLA leave for 3 months and on my upcoming court date, that will mark one month. i think it might be wise to use the whole three months. it also might not be wise though because i need things to do. maybe if i could just get back to anthro.....

anthro terminated me in the weirdest way and i think my lawyer can get my job at anthro back for me with a simple letter. that might be the best thing for me right now. 

not to mention.... i haven’t been back to my apartment yet but.... the gold coast has been destroyed. i don’t know what i’m going back to at this point. this is really sad sad sad to say but i don’t think i will be living downtown chicago anymore, once i find some other solution or once this lease expires, i’m leaving. maybe i’ll stay in chicagoland but probably not. if i do stay in chicagoland i’m gonna be living in the suburbs. but i think it only makes sense to get out of here. i think it makes sense to go to the southeast. florida or atlanta or north carolina or virginia. california is always on the mind too but to move there i think i need to be really really confident in my sobriety.  

[fuckthisblog]

I need to spend more time on tumblr I forgot how calming this was.

I haven’t blogged since April it looks like so fuck...uuhhhh i used to make mini timelines on here and idek how to sum it all up but imma give it a shot for future me cause i always like to come back and read these - gonna go back in time a little to get the full covid picture but it ends with talking about the woods walk that lead to this video which brings me SO MUCH JOY

march 12th ~ last day i was at clinicals before it cancelled april 1st - online class stuff officially starts happening it probably happened before this but this is when i made a record of it. started anatomy review n shit for big ass exam april 5th - judging by my writing.. depression kicks in hard but also studying WAYYY too much every damn day april 14th ~ big deal first job interview april 17th ~ did the breakup thing, think that was the last time i wrote on here april 29th - found out big ass certification test on may 20th is scheduled for TBD ~ also found out i  got the job but awsjhcfksdjhk now certifcation is postponed for got knows when may 1st - journal says “i got to see syd and i feel better”, dont think i realized how hard the breakup feels were hittin me cause i remember casually hanging out n then suddenly crying may 13th - slept through last day of my fucking class like a goddamn depressed dummy may 18 n 19 n 20 - miss kitty to the er, and then to her nuero appointment and they think brain tumor but cant afford MRI but prednisone instantly makes her better. all the scared feels of losing her and class being done and no certification exam in sight and just general awful nothingness floating through the void (still studying way too much everyday day) seems like i saw kirk like every other weekend idk how to feel about that im the worst w clean breakups may 21st ~ technically ive graduated but it feels like nothing. also idk if he did it this day or the next but kirk dropped off flowers and a card and a you did it! smiley face thing with a grad cap on that yells YOU DID IT whenever u touch it lol may 26th ~ study sesh w shawna n jordan i know i did other study seshs w them too but idk when, and then home and parents had signs made on the lawn to congratulate me graduating, and then sydney got dropped off and we headed to rhode island may 28th ~ very interesting/bad/idk wtf mushroom trip. adderall was still in my system and i dont think my body liked that mix and then i took xanax to try to calm down but theyre not pharm approved xanax so i just lost some time but syd took awesome care of me and we laughed about this weird juicy couture dress idk even though it was bad it was great cause i was with her. i do remember petting miss kitty and she had like overlapping colored outlines and looked very ethereal and it kept me calm while syd was outside. before the trip was great too i went to ocean state job lot and syd and i made a bonfire and ate donuts n delicious coffee milkshakes honestly it was all great slept entire day after bad trip but then wokeup and immediately started studying again lmao june 1st - called the people to try to get my test scheduled but that was a no go june 4th - letter arrives can actually schedule test - schedule for 16th STUDY STUDY DIE DIE DIE STUDY DIE STUDY DIE SHdkjceshkfchsdjc june 16th - FUCKIN PASSED MY TEST june 30th - mask fitting n stuff july 1st - good hangs w syd im lucky to have her july 5th - go to the fells for the first time in FUCKIN FOREVER cause syd and lucas were going n invited me and im so happy they did swimming felt so good omg july 7th - first day o work july 10th - officially scrubbed in again, feels good, but exhausting july 21st - all nighter where connor tells me he never loved me but in the context of an actually really good heart to heart session (which weve been having a bunch of latelyp) im upset but also not at all, work is exhausting but ive started taking my antidepressants again (literally that morning lol) and i go for a woods walk n swim after, and a deer follows me in the forest and its magical and life is good july 22nd - fuckin slept through work and thats never happened so been pushin myself a bit too hard july 25th - yesterday, worked saturday w j so we’re the only tchs there and did 2 lap apps and a hemiarthroplasty and it was good but also a little discouraging idk if this career is for me

and that about brings it up to today. talking to kirk less which is good for both of us. connor and i having lots of heart to hearts n genuine friendship chats. glad thats come full circle. lucky to have syd in my life. just generally idk that bears repeating haha i love her and writing this is realized how many times i wanted to write “and then syd made everything better” - she was the first person i called after i passed my test and she started screaming for me cause she knows me and knows my past and how hard ive worked and idk just a lotta love there. im lucky. word end of things idk wtf is going on but does anybody really? hahahaha. this career is not for me and i know it deep down but ill finish orientation before i do anything. but as of right now even though lifes good it kinda feels bad cause almost everyday im sweating and shaking and in so much fucking pain for a 10 hour shift and then i come home and collapse. antidepressants are helping though. i havent been on them for the entirety of my program/job so i thought that the job just came w this sort of exhaustion. but now im remembering theres after work tired and then theres depression tired.

[avelera]

So I’m settling in my new place and I’ve gone FULL FERAL domestic and you know that feeling when you FEEL like you’ve done something cool and exciting you want to tell other people about but the you realize, like, it was that you hung a picture today and it looks real good but that’s hardly the stuff of scintillating conversation??

Well I’ve got about TWENTY of those things so I’m gonna put ‘em below the cut for no one’s entertainment but my own!

- I made chicken stock FOR THE FIRST TIME and added a bunch of jalapenos and spices so it came out very peppery which is DELICIOUS.

- I made bacon and saved the grease so I can start cooking with it!

- I began waking up on my own at 8/8:30 in the morning (I work remotely so wake up time has always been a bit whatever) and going to bed around midnight and it’s AMAZING what it’s like to have a normal sleep schedule because you’re not DEPRESSED all the time! (And because I have no curtains in the bedroom, whoops). 

- I got RFID-keyed feeder trays for my chonky kitties for Christmas and I FINALLY got them set up so I can actually feed my two gigantic tom cats reasonable portions and TRACK how much they’re eating so they don’t overeat or steal each other’s food!

- Inherited an unwanted Instant Pot and I’ve been MAKING THINGS with it!

- Put up PICTURES and PAINTINGS and it looks NICE

- I put a vase of SUNFLOWERS on the kitchen table!

- Put up a rod on the tiny kitchen wall so I can HANG my POTS AND PANS and it looks AMAZING and is VERY CONVENIENT

- Overcame my squick around washing dishes by hand because there’s no dishwasher! (And all it took was rubber gloves, adderall, and a can-do attitude!)

- Scrubbed a disgusting, mildewy old cooler to within an inch of its life so it was SPARKLING and CLEANER THAN NEW and thus basically got a free cooler!

- Dropped off clothes that needed to be DRY CLEANED and REPAIRED and FOUND CLOTHES that have been in storage for MONTHS so it’s basically like getting a whole new wardrobe for the cost of one overpriced pair of jeans!

- Used the Marie Kondo method to start organizing my closet so long stuff is on the left and short stuff is on the right so it creates a visually pleasing rising diagonal line and it sounded silly when she said that it would make you feel happier but it ACTUALLY DOES? AND I added plastic label tags to the sections of my closet like “dresses” “shirts” and I’m gonna STICK TO A SYSTEM because I implemented it from the beginning (lol) or at least I’m gonna try!

- Got a really cute Ethan Allan chest of drawers which would normally cost multiple hundreds for a hundred bucks at a consignment store and it’s SO CUTE and I’m SO PROUD OF ME for learning how to shop consignment effectively (long story but basically my parents sold the family home right around the time I moved out so I got a bunch of furniture they didn’t want to bother with selling and haven’t had to buy new stuff in ages). 

- Got the kitties a cat tree they LOVE

- Got in the habit of MAKING THE BED every day!

- Found a local gym and haggled down the registration price just by asking nicely :D It’s literally next door and has all the classes and stuff I love as well as PUNCHING BAGS so I can get back into HITTING STUFF. (Went to one of the classes on a whim and am now so sore I can barely move which was NOT the plan, owwww)

- Ordered a few other furniture items which I probably shouldn’t have jumped into for budgeting reasons BUT I’ve got a nice little two chair + table for the porch which was pretty cheap so I can start eating outside now that it’s nice!

Amazing what happens when you’re no longer in a toxic relationship situation, it’s like the whole day opens up. I’m gonna hopefully get back into writing soon too, things have just been busy but I’m beginning to feel the itch coming back after a bit of video games and the above domestic storm. I’m having some high school friends over tomorrow (I moved back to the area where I grew up) and I’m gonna CLEAN THIS PLACE EVEN MORE and SHOW OFF :D

[chloeywoey]

hi everyone! i’m jay (24, est, she / her) and i’m so excited to be here! this is chloe, my social media obsessed darling who’s faker than a three dollar bill but a good person at heart. underneath the cut is an obnoxiously long intro. i’ll be around tonight to plot, and i’ve got a three day weekend so i’m super pumped to get some good connections going and get active on the dash :))) 

BASICS

full name: chloe ann lautsch age: twenty-one birthday & star sign: february 6th, aquarius birthplace: festus, missouri  sexuality: heterosexual gender identity & pronouns: cis female, she / her    housing: audax  occupation: social media influencer  + traits: progressive, business-savvy, independent, imaginative, go-getting, determined, kind-hearted, take-charge - traits: inauthentic, dishonest, ashamed of her past, perfectionist, performative, untruthful, closed-off  song: sampaguita by navvi

BACKGROUND

— chloe was born in missouri to a mother that was pretty much useless as a parent. her mother, deb, was a bar fly who would go home with almost any man who’d so much as buy her a drink. she inevitably ended up pregnant with chloe, but was woefully unprepared for motherhood. this led to chloe growing up without much structure, forced to be independent. the home was dysfunctional, as the only thing worse than deb’s parenting skills was her taste in men. chloe often found herself having to bandage up her mother’s wounds or with wounds of her own after drunken altercations.  — all things considered, chloe did well in school. though socially, she struggled. it was hard making friends when she couldn’t invite them over without fear they’d walk in and find her mother passed out on the couch. or when people made fun of her due to rumors about her mother. chloe never had much money or nice things in general. and though this made it harder to fit in, it also instilled a fiery work ethic in her. by sixteen she was working two jobs, trying to study for her algebra tests while manning a mcdonald’s drive through or babysitting local kids.  — with everything going on in her life, chloe barely had time to breathe, let alone eat or sleep. with exhaustion taking its toll and SATs coming up, she began buying adderall to help her get through long days and nights. later, her mother began dating a scummy dealer and chloe would steal from his stash, developing a cocaine habit. but chloe was always good at making herself and her life look like something it wasn’t. she mostly did it on social media, after finally saving up enough to buy an iphone.  — at age seventeen, chloe petitioned for early graduation. and with her teachers basically clamouring over themselves to write her letters of recommendation, she was set for college. however, she had no idea what she wanted to do. her instagram had developed a surprisingly decent following for a girl from bumfuck missouri, mostly due to her seemingly “perfect” life. she loved the internet. her instagram followers didn’t know that she lived in a trailer or that her mom was a falling-down drunk. unlike her small town where reputation preceded people, on the internet, people only knew what she wanted them to know. she could make her life be anything. she could reinvent herself. so she’d put together cute outfits, not letting her followers know everything she wore she scoured for at goodwill. or take a carefree selfie, everyone unaware that just an hour before she’d been sobbing due to being pushed over an end table by her mother’s boyfriend. or she’d post food pictures, not saying how she had to drive 45 minutes just to get to the local whole foods and spent her entire paycheck on five items. she was incredibly talented at polishing the turd that was her life and making herself seem like a cool “it-girl” that others would want to be.    — in two years, chloe capitalized on her love for social media by starting a YouTube channel and turning her instagram into an aesthetic wet dream. currently, she has 375k instagram followers, 120k YouTube subscribers and an ebook published. she’s reinvented herself as a vegan lifestyle blogger. her aesthetic is cute cafes and green juices, smoothie bowls, selfies, bikini shots, sponsored outfit posts...the usual cringe.  — she moved to new york at eighteen. and with the city at her disposal, it became easier to live the lifestyle she had to try so hard to fake back in rural missouri. her pages grew to what they are today during her stay in new york, after which she applied to lockwood at age nineteen to study social media marketing.   — however, all that glitters is not gold. chloe isn’t exactly honest with her followers. for example, her skinny body - which she attributes to yoga and veganism - is mostly due to her cocaine addiction which got worse while in new york. she rarely eats. she’s promoting a healthy lifestyle, posting self love quotes and publishing a vegan recipe ebook yet snorting cocaine and stress smoking cigarettes. she’s practically telling people “if you follow my diet, you can look like me”, meanwhile she doesn’t even follow her own diet. she often pretends to use products just to get ad revenue. or buys something, does something or goes somewhere just for a picture opportunity. like posing with a plate of pasta just to throw it away after. so even though she portrays herself as perfect, she’s far from it. 

PERSONALITY

— chloe is obsessed with portraying her life as perfection. she’s borderline neurotic about it. she barely sees herself as a person anymore, but instead as a brand...as something to be marketed and for public consumption. social media is her career and it’s what pulled her out of poverty. it’s her only source of income, and the fear of going back to working retail and struggling between multiple jobs is always one hanging over chloe’s head. she’s absolutely not a rich kid who had everything handed to her, though you’d never know it because she refuses to talk about her past, going so far as to say her parents are dead and lie about where she’s from.  — she’s definitely fraudulent, and there’s no excusing that. she perpetuates an unattainable perfect life to her followers, which is one of the biggest issues with social media. however, she doesn’t do it out of spite or a desire to deceive, but rather she almost feels as though if her life looks perfect, her real problems don’t exist.   — chloe is a go-getter and takes initiative in her endeavors. she’s very business savvy, though that doesn’t mean she’s always been. when first coming to new york and growing her brand, she did do some things that made her uncomfortable. she took advice from predatory people under the guise of caring and only through that, she learned to advocate for herself. it also put another nail in the coffin of her ability to trust others. she’s busy and has little time for bullshit. that coupled with her trust issues lead to most of her relationships not working out well. she also fears abandonment and opening up to people, as she’s ashamed of her past and her imperfections.  — if she had a reputation around campus, it’d probably be as little miss perfect, which is a persona that can be grating. she’s generally sweet, though can be blunt and bold. she’s definitely outspoken about things she believes in and can be found handing out flyers to get more vegan options in the dining hall or standing up to a misogynistic frat boy at a kegger. but she’s also performative, not feeling real unless people are watching. doing things to be perceived a certain way instead of just being authentic. 

CONNECTIONS

— a genuine friend. someone she can just be herself around.  — ex boyfriend(s). she tends to put herself and her career first. she also is obsessed with perfection and most likely trotted her boyfriend and her relationship out on her social media, wanting him to play along with her little games. most of her relationships, therefore, feel inauthentic. — boyfriend or bff for “clout” (i hate that word asdjkdjdl). basically a fake relationship or friendship just to get insta likes lol. fun spin on a fake dating plot. or a frenemies thing, like they don’t actually like each other but pretend to.  — enemies. i’m sure she gets on people’s nerves by pretending to be little miss “i do pilates and drink celery juice and shove veganism down everyone’s throats”.    — hookups and no strings attached things — her drug dealer, since she’s still very much addicted to cocaine   — anything and everything else! <3

[feliciavox]

I HAVE BEEN RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE TODAY LIKE A MADMAN! If you haven’t seen my story, Richie & I got approved for a new place after months of searching & over the next week, we are packing, moving, cleaning & unpacking/settling into the new place. I took some adderall for the first time this morning to help with packing/moving & I LOVE IT (CAN YOU TELL BY MY CAPS)!! Don’t worry, I’m microdosing (5 mg at a time, 10 mg total so far) & making sure I stay well fed & hydrated. I feel amazing though, & packing is going very smoothly! ❤️📦🏡 This photo of my sexy Toothless cosplay was posted almost a week ago on Patreon! This was one of my FAVORITE SHOTS & is completely self-shot (like almost everything I post but I wanted to emphasize this here because it was such a challenging shoot to do by myself lol). You can view it there in full resolution & higher quality as well as other previews of new photo sets I haven’t posted anywhere else publicly. 🐉🔥 Patreon.com/feliciavox Hood from @maweenasworld Wings & tail by @mightybunnyshop Wig from @everydaywigscom Claws & tail modified by me Lingerie from Amazon #toothless #toothlesscosplay #howtotrainyourdragon #howtotrainyourdragoncosplay #httyd #httydcosplay #cosplay #cosplayer #cosplaygirl #dragon

[stewystew]

Ok I wrote this all in the tags of another post but I took my adderall for the first time in a week today and yeah sure, it’s worn off by now, but I’m still vibing so here we go!!! (woo this got longer than I thought it was going to be, so I’m putting the read more in)

I’m going to describe a movie to you.

This is a great movie. In one sentence, it’s a super fun found family heist movie with heavy The Devil Wears Prada vibes. which is like. the ideal set of tropes. Are you on board yet?

On top of that, there’s party-crashing, general thievery, fun costume design, an intense rivalry, a fucking choice montage, and it all ends with five friends and their five dogs living happily ever after in the big house that they stole, The End.

This is Cruella (2021). And the rumors are true, it fucking sucked. But because I actually watched it, I can tell you why it sucked, and it’s NOT that her mom got murdered by Dalmatians (at least that’s not the main reason). I can also tell you how it could be fixed.

Cruella is not actually a bad movie. But also, it very much is. (hope this helps <3) Ok. It’s bad because, of course, Capitalism. Literally the movie I described to you? Sounds super fun and great? If Disney didn’t have an obsession with making a quick buck on the back of its classic franchises, that could’ve been what Cruella was. But instead, they slapped an iconic villain on that super fun heist movie, and ruined the whole thing.

You can’t make Cruella De Vil a hero. You can’t. Other villain rewrites work because they swap the hero and the villain, or at least the villain’s atrocities are swapped out for something more understandable. But. A bunch of puppies can’t be evil. And when Cruella’s entire character is about Being Rich and Killing Puppies, you can’t change her motives or her backstory, because then all you have left is her aesthetic. Which isn’t unimportant, but you can’t build a compelling story out of an aesthetic.

But, that’s what Disney chose to do, I guess.

Here’s what happened:

1) Our main character, Estella, is born with the black and white hair (relying on the aesthetic!) (imo this is bad bc either it’s a cartoony Anime Protagonist Hair thing ooh magic. or it’s poliosis, and that’s ehh bc it’s very much framed as like. Symbolic of her ✨inner evil✨. Which is weird for it being a real thing that real people have.)

2) ANYWAY. She’s kind of a mean kid, but mostly very opinionated. We learn this when she calls a shirt ugly (aha, see? She’s into fashion!), and her mother jokes that she should be called “Cruella” instead of “Estella”. So. Now we have the name thrown in. Again, the aesthetic.

3) Blah blah, she adopts a stray dog, she punches bullies, blah blah, she gets kicked out of school, and she and her mother move to the city (she’s like 12 at this point)

4) but *gasp!* before they get there, her mother has to ask a “friend” for help because they’re poor. (So. there goes the Rich part of Cruella’s character. She no longer has anything in common with Cruella De Vil’s villainy!)

5) The “friend”, though, is very rich, and is throwing a party at her mansion (which is on a cliff). The mom goes in, and Cruella follows her. Cruella ends up getting chased by Dalmatians, but they don’t attack Cruella, instead they end up pushing her mom off the cliff. Cruella thinks it’s her fault because the dogs were chasing her.

6) Cruella goes to the city on her own, and meets two other orphaned kids, Jasper and Horace (we’ll call them J&H) (they also have a dog!), and they all live together and get very very good at stealing shit. Then, it’s like ten years later, and she wears a wig to fit in.

7) She catches the attention of a famous fashion designer (The Baroness) because of how good she is at fashion. The Baroness (who owns Dalmatians!) hires her, and now Cruella’s designing clothes for her. Also, the Baroness’s assistant(?) is Mark Strong, so the “Stanley Tucci in The Devil Wears Prada” vibes are very much there.

8) Cruella finds out that the Baroness is actually her mom’s ex-employer and the “friend” she was talking to before she died, because the baroness has her mother’s necklace, which she says her mother stole from her. The Baroness doesn’t know who Cruella is, though.

9) Cruella tries to steal the necklace back (this is the party she crashes!), and finds out that the Baroness trained the Dalmatians to kill her mother. To get revenge, she creates an alter ego where she goes full Cruella De Vil, the iconic black and white hair and everything, and upstages the Baroness by being better at fashion. (Yay double life! Yay rivalries! Yay fun montage!)

10) oof this is getting long. I’ll try to hurry it up.

11) at one point Cruella wears a fur coat and everyone thinks she’s skinned the Baroness’s Dalmatians for it, but she didn’t. Because she would never hurt a dog! *clutches pearls*

12) J&H are mad because her fashion alter ego is mean to them. She says “lol deal with it” but then later she says “oops sorry i love my friends actually” so. she’s not even that mean.

13) The Baroness tries to kill her, she fails. Mark Strong tells Cruella that she’s actually the Baroness’s daughter, and the Baroness had tried to kill her as a baby. Oh, and Cruella has a scene where she’s all “I’m unapologetically evil!” which might have been better if she were actually. You know. Evil.

14) oh, also the gay character is a guy who owns a little clothing store and he and Cruella are friends. He’s not explicitly gay tho, he’s just good at fashion and wears makeup.

15) So Cruella and her friends (J&H, Mark Strong, Gay Character) all go and crash another party for the One Final Score. It’s at the Baroness’s mansion, on the cliff, and they trick the Baroness into pushing Cruella off the cliff in front of a bunch of people and the Baroness goes to jail.

16) Cruella survives because of a parachute in her dress (lmao), and because she’s the Baroness’s daughter she gets all her money and her mansion and her dogs. And then she and J&H and Mark Strong and Gay Character all live in the big house together with their five dogs and are friends forever the end. :)

17) oh, also, Anita Darling, from 101 Dalmatians, is Cruella’s childhood friend and Cruella gives her two Dalmatian puppies at the end as a gift. Which... Would that make the Dalmatian parents in the movie siblings? :(

So now you see. Or maybe you don’t, and that was all completely incomprehensible. Either way, on to the next part!

So, obviously, it would be a much much better movie if it weren’t about Cruella De Vil, Puppy Murderer, and Disney had produced a goddamn original movie for once :)

Now, literally just trimming all the Disney Franchise gunk off the script would work. All that bad cheesy stuff would be gone, we wouldn’t be teased with the slightly-but-not-actually villainous stuff she does, and I wouldn’t have to spend the entire 2 hours desperately trying and failing to separate the movie and it’s dog-loving protagonist from the puppy murderer.

BUT. I will say that the one thing that Cruella was able to properly utilize was Cruella De Vil’s iconicness. Again, the aesthetic isn’t completely unimportant!

So I think it’d be good to maintain that. sue me. My idea is this:

Our Main Character is just some girl. Similar situation to the movie, but she’s named Ann or Sue or something. She reads The One Hundred and One Dalmatians as a child, and because she’s a Weird Little Girl, becomes obsessed with Cruella De Vil and her entire deal. And the movie proceeds in exactly the same way from then on.

Why does this work? Thank you for asking, I’ll tell you!

Disney gets to keep their dumb Classic Franchise money or whatever because we’re keeping the character

All the fun outfits get to stay the same :)

All that stuff I said about why Cruella De Vil can’t be redeemed? Doesn’t matter now that our character isn’t Cruella. We’re still capitalizing on Cruella De Vil’s icon status as an irredeemable puppy killer, but like. Without actually redeeming the puppy killer in question. Yay!

Weird Little Girls are awesome

We get a cute scene where Main Character is trying and failing to dye her hair like Cruella’s (Cruella’s hair is black and white in the book as well!) Her mom comes into the bathroom, sees half empty dye and bleach bottles in the sink, her hair bright orange. Already, I would die for this kid. (ngl this one’s the main reason I’m so attached to this version)

Ooh, this is the fun part. So, the mom gets pushed off a cliff by Dalmatians. I’m keeping this in. Main Character, of course, thinking WWCDVD? (what would Cruella De Vil do?), is like, actively antagonizing these dogs. The dogs chase her, push the mom off the cliff. It’s still not actually her fault, but the fact that she goaded the dogs into chasing her? HAHAHA WE LOVE SOME GUILT!

Oh, you may be thinking, but if she likes to act like Cruella, would Main Character still adopt that stray dog? I give you a quote from Main Character herself, which I’m totally not just now writing on the spot: “Cruella only wants to wear Dalmatians, I can still like other dogs”. Doesn’t that sound exactly like something our Weird Little Girl would say?

Ah, but what about later, when she adopts those Dalmatians? Main Character likes Cruella’s aesthetic and vibes, but she’s also an adult person with her own sense of self and an awareness that killing dogs is bad.

Anyway. Next slide!

I wouldn’t have to think about the Dalmatians at the end being siblings because 101 DALMATIANS DOESNT HAPPEN IN THIS UNIVERSE IT’S JUST A BOOK!!!

I checked, and One Hundred And One Dalmatians came out in 1956 (the movie is set in the 60s and 70s), so the timeline works! Also, hair bleach was safe to use by the 50s, so my scene in number 5 works too!

TL;DR: Cruella (2021) is a found family heist movie, and could be fixed by making the protagonist a normal person who’s favorite character is Cruella De Vil from the book The One Hundred and One Dalmatians

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk it’s 2 am and I’m fucking exhausted

[anondt-blog]

Obsessed 1/?

A/N: Hi guys! Here’s that series we previously mentioned. No better day to publish than a Tuesday, am I right? I have no idea how long this will be, or if it will even be seen... lol. But, if it is, I hope ya’ll like it! I would appreciate any feedback. As of right now, there is no summary, because even I don’t know what’s going to happen! So please, bare with me. And read it. Also, V opposed to the main character (Alexia) having a name versus y/n. I hope you enjoy our first ever series, I would love to write more for you. - A. Warnings: Cursing. Word count: 2k.

The bitter washed back taste of clear liquid hit my tastebuds in my already shaky hands. It was 6:03 am. I say shaky because you know how you first wake up and the blood flow still needs to rush to your hands? Yeah, that. I also say washed back because this water had been sitting on my night stand for a couple nights now. Agh, anyways… 6:03 am. First day of senior year and back to school. I know people are always whining and complaining but I didn’t mind school, ever, actually. The mornings, the essays, the readings, none of it was a big deal. 
I smiled to myself in my hazily lit room with the sun trying to pour through my gray curtains. My window was opened a crack from my sister, Veronica and I, sneaking out to hike to a water fall the night before. Yeah, just the two of us, being absolutely dangerous and reckless when we had to be back early the next morning. 
I gave the wall next to me three knocks. Waiting… waiting… 
 *three half assed knocks*. 
 I threw myself out of my bed and sprang for my sisters room right next door. 
“Open those green eyes, my little marshmallow, it’s go time little shit!”
I was jumping up and down on Veronica’s bed, trying my best to not completely lose my balance and step on her. 
 “I actually hate how much of a morning person you are…” her morning voice crept through. 
she groaned rubbing her eyes, grabbing her glasses. 
 I pounced myself from her bed back to the ground, flashing a wide smile at her before running down stairs and making us both some tea. 
It was a ritual for us. Planning our day or just catching up over some of my chai, and her berries and cherries. 
“How’s your knee doing?” Startling me, nearly making me spill hot water all over myself. 
I looked down at the raw skin still building, touching it to see if its fully scabbed. 
“Eh, not fully there, should scab soon though…”
After a couple moments of silence Veronica dared to ask… 
“Have you talked to… him?” 
The tea in my mouth almost became bitter as the name ran through my head. 
I rolled my eyes and threw the rest of my tea in the sink. 
 “Now… in what fucked up universe would that happen again?” 
Veronica looked around and gave me a shrug. I ran my fingers through my hair then held my face at the memory. 
“It’s 6:30, we’ve gotta get up and going for the seniors big day, no?”
 “As well as the juniors first day back…”
 We both smiled and raced each other upstairs. 
I pinned some strands of my hair back, letting some fall to frame my face. I threw on some black jeans that probably needed a wash, then a fitted burgundy henley and grabbing some black heeled boots on my way back down because we had to leave within the next couple of minutes. 
“You look nice, showing some cleavage but not too much, bringing all the boys to the yard…” 
She said swishing all her hair in one swift movement to one side, letting her chocolate locks flow. 
 “You don’t look too bad yourself… Is that my shirt?” 
 “And thats all the time we’ve got for today folks! Can’t be late for the first day back…” 
I rolled my eyes and let it slide. Grabbing our book bags and my sister already deciding what we’d be listening to for the car ride. 
 Long Valley High School wasn’t as bad as some made it seem. Jersey was beautiful, and so were the schools. Big libraries and nicely funded class rooms, we couldn’t complain. 
In the midst of my admiration or just the white noise in my mind, I was disrupted when Veronica slapped my shoulder. 
“Ow! What the-…” 
 “Ummm… don’t look right away but ex bestie and you know who strolling by in 3…2…1…” 
I pretended to get my stuff together as they walked by my car, then looked when I counted to five in my head. 
Somehow I was able to catch a whiff of him. Memories began to replay in my head and then an all to familiar scent disrupted them. My ex best friend, Giselle Walsh. Her favorite Victoria Secret perfume robbing the trail of something I once considered home. I looked up to catch her flicking her long, silky, black hair off of her shoulders. She stopped only a couple yards from my car, just to make sure I was watching… 
Giselle threw herself around him, leaving small kisses on his neck, and before I could watch the morning make out, Tommy decided to jump on the hood of my car, scaring the shit out of me, and blocking my view. 
 “HEY! Ready to beat the piss out of this year then skin it alive?!” 
I looked down at my hands that were fidgeting with my keys, and laid my head back on the head rest. 
“God, I missed your fucked up sense of humor, hug me.” 
Tommy pulled me out of my drivers seat for a nice warm embrace against his cold jean jacket. 
 Tommy. A family friend since the 3rd grade. We actually used to hate each other until we got paired up for a scene in a play and forgot our lines together. Scarred us so good we had to share the embarrassment, it’s also a fantastic story we tell every holiday season. Inseparable since. 
“You smell like… perfume I got you last Christmas?” 
I nodded with devious smirk. Giving Tommy my hands to make them warm again. After all, it was mid September in Jersey, weather was getting pretty nippy. 
My smirk dropped when I felt eyes on me, 
“He’s looking isn’t he?”
 Tommy smiled their way and delivered a wave, 
 “Yup, wanna make out so he really has something to look at?”
 “That wouldn’t work, everyone knows you’re gay.” 
Tommy gasped and said with a wink,
 “Straight for you any day.” 
“I’m keeping count of how many times she’s rolled her eyes this morning and we are close to double digits and it’s only 8 in the morning.” Veronica added while getting out of the car.
 Tommy gave out both his arms, in an escort manner. 
“Well, are my lovely females ready to be escorted by the schools best defender?”
 Veronica and I smirked at each other and took Tommy’s arms. And together we walked my sister to her first class, chemistry. 
 “Curb stomp the shit out of those elements, V.” 
 “You are more violent than normal this morning, what was in your coffee?” 
“Pre-workout… or was it adderall? Can’t remember…”
 In actual deep thought, Tommy trailed off and began to rub his chin.  
With widened eyes now Veronica shook her head and replied, 
“Oh my god, well… Lunch? Tables? Find me?”
 Tommy and I looked at each other and gave a nod, arms still locked. 
We gave Veronica a wave and headed to the other side of the building. Mine and Tommy’s schedules were almost always identical. Except he had weights last period, and I got to take his smelly ass home while he tried to shove his armpit in my face almost the whole drive. 
 Hearing the late bell, Tommy and I continued to stroll down the halls without a care in the world, laughing about my slight gimp because of the scab on my knee. 
Five minutes or so had passed when we made it to room 126, English. Tommy grabbed the door for me and bowed, I curtsied in reply. On our way in, Tommy decided to comment on Miss. Collins ensemble of the day. 
“Miss. Collins, looking classy as ever.” 
“Thomas Reeds, you and Miss. Fahl are late and it’s only the first day back, we don’t need that scholarship to throw itself away, now do we?”
 I tried to hide my laugh while Tommy’s expression had dead panned. 
 “I’m sorry Miss. Collins, won’t happen again…” I said while dragging Tommy to our seats. 
“Mhm, heard that before… Alright, class…” Miss. Collins voice began to fade in and out of my ears while she was going over the syllabus and the readings we would be doing for this semester. 
I began to zone out on a smudge left on the white board before Tommy pulled my hair to get my attention… 
 “So? Anything?” 
 “You and my sister are both on a ringer about that this morning. I don’t know what you guys expect… it was just once.” 
“I almost can’t even look at him and we have weights together. Don’t be surprised if I swing or-” 
“Tommy, I love you with every vessel my heart has to offer but can you just please be cool? I would like to forget about it…”
. Tommy sighed then placed his pouted face into his fist on the desk. He batted his eyelashes at me, and I took in his big, brown, doe eyes. 
 “Don’t give me doe eyes, don’t do that.” 
 “Whatever you want princess, but just say the word and I’ll-”
 I interrupted him mid sentence,
 “Yes, I know, give him an ultimate wedgie…” 
“You already know!” 
He placed his hand in front of my face, asking for a high five with a dorky smile. 
“Your sister was right, you’re eye rolling more than usual…” 


 School became a blur and before we knew it, it was lunch. Tommy carried my books while I scanned the lunchroom, looking for my sister at our usual spot. I found her bustling with something in her book bag, her glasses almost glistening in the lunch room with it’s humungous floor to ceiling windows. 
I nudged Tommy to follow me and we sat down in unison. 
 “How were the first 5 classes?” 
“Easy peezy lemon squeeze year for me it seems… You guys?” 
“Agreed. Looking like an easy-…”. 
My face began to feel hot when we made eye contact. I began to play with my hair, trying to look busy but ended up staring down at my boots to distract myself and get the red tint off before he approached the table to say what’s up to Tommy like I knew he would. 
That same familiar sent approached before my beet red face could dismiss itself… 
“Hey Tommy, weights?” 
 “You know it, I’ll see you later Dolan.”  
I let out a huff of air when I knew he was gone. 
 “I thought you were becoming a damn fish with how long you held your breath.”  
I mimicked Tommy with a funny face while I fanned myself from the sudden rush of heat. 
 “You know, eventually, you guys are going to have to talk…” Veronica stated, biting into her apple with a loud crunch.
 “Honestly, you guys probably have a class together…” Tommy chimed in. 
I threw my hands up in defense, 
“You would jinx me like that?!” 
“Well! I can’t see until next period when I get in the office for my TA period…”. 
I threw my face in both of my hands, guessing he was probably right. 
The rest of lunch was Tommy, Veronica, and I, going over our syllabus’, forging our parents signatures and gossiping here and there. The bell rang and the lunch room became louder with sounds of zippers closing and table wheels rolling in response to the sudden movement. 
Tommy offered to walk me but the office was in the front of the school at building one while mine was on the second floor in the back of building two. 
He handed me my books and casted a “farewell” sign my way. Since Tommy’s next period was office TA, he would be able to see if I had any classes with him. But, for now, the coast was clear. 
 The hallways became emptier and emptier with everyone entering their classes, all I could hear was the sound of my boots clicking against the tiled floor. Meeting the door to my next class which was an anatomy lab, I looked down while I was entering the room to check a text that Tommy had sent. 
“Toms: 
Ummm… you’re not going to believe this…” 
And before I could finish reading the rest of the message, I looked up to meet a set of hazel eyes and warm, tussled brown hair, and the only empty seat in class next to… 
 Grayson. Bailey. Dolan. 



[meditatemoremedicateless]

Dear Kate, (Give me Me back)

Fandom: Life is Strange

Pairings: Chasemarsh, Ambermarsh

Major Tags: possession, angst, drug use

Words: 5,144

Summary: Kate wakes up to find that she has been gone for four days. She hasn’t slept in God knows how long. And she has a test today. Victoria finds her falling apart at the seams, and recognizes she needs help. It kind of backfires.

Written to “No Care” by Daughter.

Read the full story on Ao3.

"Kate! Shut the fuck up!"

What?

Kate awoke suddenly as if from a nightmare. Her heart raced, and it took a second for the world to come into focus. She found herself lying in her bed, with her phone on her chest and her headphones in. Her right hand rested on her navel, but it was sticky and warm. She rubbed her legs together for a second and found that she was either very wet or she'd just started her period. It was too dark in the room to tell which, no light filtering in through the window.

"Thank you," Victoria said, obviously pissed.

Why is Victoria shouting at me? What time is it?

Kate managed to answer both of those questions by lifting up her phone, finding herself at the end of some menage a trois on Pornhub. She grimaced and tapped out, finding the time: 5:34am. Why in the world was she up this early? And why wasn't her heart rate coming down?

It took her a few minutes to close out of her browser, put away her ear phones, clean up, and get her pajamas back on, after which she sat on the bed and wished herself gone for a moment. Why did she have to be awake right now? Why did Katie have to be awake at 5:30am? And why, if she felt so exhausted, did she also feel so energetic?

When she checked her phone again, dread suddenly crawled its way down her back. November 15? She had lost four days! What was even the last thing she could remember? She knew she got up Monday but . . . what had happened in class? Who had she spoken to? When did she disappear?

Kate got up from bed and sat down in front of her laptop, turning it on and waiting for it to boot up. As she drummed her fingers impatiently on the desk, she noticed a small white bottle she didn't recognize. She turned it around and read the label: Excedrin. Really? She'd never bought this. Was Katie having migraines?

Curious, she unscrewed the top and looked inside. She recognized the contents . . . but they weren't Excedrin. She dumped a few of them out on the table, spreading them out before picking one up, holding it up to the light of her computer screen.

She was right. It wasn't Excedrin. It was Adderall XR, just like what her little sister took. Why did Katie have Adderall? Kate didn't have ADHD. Unless . . .

Kate raised two fingers to her neck, and found that her heart was still racing.

Once her laptop was booted up, she went to check her notes for Katie's letter, but she found none. That's about when the panic set in. She had lost four days and had nothing to go on to tell her what had happened except a mislabeled bottle of pills.

She opened up her Facebook, her e-mails, her search history. She clicked into her messages on her phone and sat it next to the keyboard. Not knowing what had happened to her body frightened her, it frightened her even more than how she had begun to lose control of it. Kate had been frustrated with Katie before, but she'd never felt . . . violated like she did right now.

There were so many messages. It was amazing how much you could talk to people in four days. Max, Dana, Stella, Alyssa, Victoria, Warren, Hayden, Juliet. Sending messages to any of them didn't look suspicious or strange, really. It wasn't until she started to comb through them that Kate started to see where things went wrong.

Tues. 5:14

Kate: hey, stella, i heard you could get me a hook-up, is that true?

Stella: What?

Kate: you know, for studying. physics is killing me LOL

Stella: What are you talking about Kate?

Kate: you don't have to play pretend Kate: Dana told me that VC buys from you Kate: you sell addys and benzos, right? I want some Kate: no tricks, no bullshit. I'm just having a hard time. help me out?

Stella: Kate, I wish you wouldn't contact me on FB about something like this

Kate: OK OK I'll text you

Kate checked her messages. She had to scroll up quite a bit to find Tuesday, but the cut between the last message that was her and the first one that was Katie was pretty easy to spot.

Kate: Thanks stella! ^^

Tues. 5:38 PM

Kate: so?

Stella: Kate, is something wrong? This isn't like you at all. And I don't think I'm comfortable selling you anything.

Kate: relax, would you? it's totally fine. you know how hard it can be when you're on scholarship, and youre going to need scholarships to go to college Kate: i know you do. and i'd really prefer if I could go to you, my friend, instead of nathan. he gives me the creeps .

Tues. 7:21 PM

Stella: OK Stella: And you don't have to pay me. I'll just stop by your room. Stella: Maybe we should study together sometime? I really don't want you to rely on these.

Kate: yeah, totally, 100%, sounds good. Kate: you're a good friend :)

The search histories didn't raise nearly the same concerns, but they still didn't make Kate feel any better.

search

chloe price chloe arcadia bay chloe

When Kate followed the most recent link, she saw a familiar face as the top result. When she clicked on it, it took her to the profile of someone named Chloe Elizabeth Price. And Kate realized immediately where she recognized this girl - she had been showing up in her dreams constantly since she won the Everyday Heroes contest. She had been the girl at the far back of the shot, hugging a blonde waitress. Since then she'd been seeing her around school every once and a while, just sitting out in the courtyard talking to Justin or some of the other boys. From the looks of things, she didn't hang out with other girls much.

Apparently, Katie just looked - they weren't friends, and she hadn't sent a request. Maybe she was just having the same dreams.

The Google search history was a little more concerning.

pornhub pornhub khan academy forces khan academy derivative functions khan academy calculus frank bowers arcadia bay damon merrick murder? damon merrick arcadia bay damon merrick tillamook county da youtube volume of a cone prescott foundation sean prescott sera gearhardt arcadia bay blackwell academy class of 1977 blackwell academy class of 1976 blackwell academy class of 1975 blackwell academy class of 1974 blackwell academy class of 1973 blackwell academy class of 1972 blackwell academy class of 1971 blackwell academy class of 1970 khan academy tillamook county missing persons arcadia bay missing persons rachel amber missing person rachel amber modeling rachel amber long beach rachel amber arcadia bay pornhub netflix exorcism spirits do you have to be dead to possess someone possession amazon why is the new romantics not on netflix netflix dream meaning

A murder? Rachel Amber? Sean Prescott? Exorcism? What was Katie looking up, and why? She could also stand to see Pornhub crop up less often.

Once Kate felt caught up on her conversations of the past few days, it was past 8:00am and whatever she was high on wasn't doing it anymore. She wondered how long she - how long Katie - had been awake. She couldn't imagine laying back down in bed, but she was also blinking every few seconds because the light irritated her eyes and she was losing focus. That was when she finally retired from the computer and her phone and decided to wrap a blanket around her head and not move for a few hours.

First, though, she had to check her planner and make sure nothing too big was happening today. Unfortunately, there were two messages written in all caps and circled with a red highlighter.

PHYSICS TEST MILE RUN

No. "God . . . dammit," Kate said. The panic set in again, but there was no juice behind it - she just felt tears suddenly well up and spill hot over her face. She was already doing so bad in physics. And although it looked like Katie had been pulling all nighters studying and researching God knows what, Kate didn't remember any of it. PE was period 2, and Physics period 4. She had also been expected to finish a hundred pages of The Brothers Karamazov for AP English, but she'd only read half of it, and there would at least be a review and discussion today.

Kate was not one to fall apart if she could help it. But whatever energy, whatever willpower she normally leveraged, she felt like it had all been drained away sometime in the past four days, and she was so exhausted. She didn't want to move. School was just an everyday thing - how could it be so daunting to just catch up one week? How was she going to run a fucking mile like this? Why couldn't she just sleep instead of suddenly waking up with everything in the tank already spent?

Step one. She needed someone who had actually been awake for this past week who might be willing to help her. Brooke? They had AP Physics together. She was abrasive, sure, but she had never said no to helping Kate in class.

Kate: Brooke, could you help me study for the Physics test during lunch? I feel like I haven't learned anything this last week and I'm freaking out. I'll owe you one.

Step two. She needed to stay awake, get through her first two classes, study through lunch and period 3 for physics, and take the test. But how was she supposed to . . .

And slowly, as the realization came to her, her eyes settled on the small white bottle beside her laptop.

The focus helps. It helps Kate get out of bed, eat oatmeal, read the SparkNotes, get through first and second period, study with Brooke without giving anything more away than the fact that she'd pulled an all-nighter. She'd seemed frustrated that Kate hadn't, or couldn't pick up what they had been taught, what she'd taken perfect notes on. But the ideas just didn't seem to be making sense.

Music lab was easier, but after a moment of chatting, Max grew quiet and just started to focus on working. Kate wondered what was bothering her. She wondered if it was herself.

The physics test . . . Kate was nowhere near ready. She did the work she could on the front page, skipping ahead when she couldn't seem to make any headway on the problem. But the first problem on the back page left her stumped. She had no idea where to start. She could read the words but it was like they wouldn't stick in her brain, and she couldn't make sense of them, nevermind remember the equations necessary to turn them into useful information. Over the following hour she finished maybe a third of the problems, just writing down what variables she could identify correctly and throwing down some math that looked right in hoping to earn a few points. She was the second to last person to leave, with only Stella staying in until the very last minute. She looked up at Kate with concern throughout the test, and again when she left.

Kate hated the attention. She wanted to be invisible. She wanted a fifth day of not being here. What was even the point at play-acting through a life she'd never get to entirely commit to? Even her friends she was only sharing. Nothing was ever going to be just hers again.

These are the sort of thoughts that kept repeating and bouncing around in her head until she found herself on her knees inside one of the dorm showers. She hated this. How had she let herself become so unraveled in such a short amount of time? Was she really, honestly so dependent on her daily routine to keep herself functional? People make it through a night or two without sleep. There are people who live every day with stimulants in their body to get through work, to get through the school day, as apparently one of her best friends helped people do. Was she just a weak person? Is that why Katie was slowly taking over her mind?

Kate bowed her head, letting the shower run rivulets down her back. She touched her forehead to the shower floor, which must be filthy, but she couldn't think of any other act of humility.

"Please . . . God, please. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to become her. If your gift is agency, please, why are you taking mine?"

Kate had been telling herself all this time that Katie was real, that she was some dead girl who lost her body but not her mind, and Kate was just some unfortunate vessel. But she wondered now if that was some fantasy of how the world can work, that even the loss of her body was serving to do some good. But what if Katie was no dead girl, not some poor soul, not someone who needed Kate's help? What if she was a devil, and Kate had been supposed to say, 'Get thee behind me', cast her out instead of being arrogant. What had Katie really done but take the life she'd chosen for herself away from her? But tempt her?

Kate thought of herself as a smart Christian, a discerning Christian, someone who did not accuse God of being behind the randomness of the world or people's evil and goodness. She had read the Old Testament and thought many times about turning her back on Him for the things that book said he did. She had never believed he'd turn his back on her. Not for secret misanthropy, not for her errant mind, for . . . how people like Max could make her feel. She could still live a good, happy life, so long as she treated herself, others, and the world with the respect they were due.

"Please. I don't want this test. I just want my life back."

At first, Kate thought there'd be no answer. She thought, she let herself believe that in her moment of need, she wouldn't be found worthy of help. She didn't even have a reason, just the feeling that she had been abandoned.

But she hadn't been. She should know better by now.

"Kate?" It was Victoria. "Is that you?"

"Vic-Victoria?"

"Yeah, it's me."

There was a brief pause before Victoria asked, "Are you okay?"

Kate laughed, picking her face up from the shower floor, closing her eyes so the water just ran down her face. Her hair clung to her back in an irritating clump. "No, I don't think I am."

It was quiet for a while. Kate picked herself up, leaning against the cold tile along the side of the shower.

Victoria spoke up again, "Do you need help?"

Kate replayed the question in her head several times before she suddenly burst out laughing. It wasn't funny, not really, but it was like she couldn't control it, but no matter how she tried to make it stop, they wracked her body until it hurt. Finally, she just grit her teeth and forced it to stop, breathing harder than she really should from the effort.

"I guess it must be pretty bad if you're offering to help me, huh?"

"I don't know - is it?"

Kate chuckled at that, but it didn't overwhelm her this time. "Yeah. I guess it's pretty bad."

Another pause, then, "Okay. I'm going to take a shower right now - can I come see you after?"

"Yeah . . . yeah. I guess that'd be okay."

Kate was surprisingly cold, wrapped in a blanket and sitting on her bed, just waiting for Victoria to get back from the shower. Now that she was out of the shower, she just felt embarrassed for how she'd fallen apart, how she was letting this all get to her. Four days gone wasn't much worse than four days being sick or four days in the hospital. Anyone could come back from four days. And the drugs, the lack of sleep? It was a Friday. She could spend the whole weekend asleep, in a coma, not moving a muscle until . . . Until Katie came back, and she took the Adderall again, and she didn't sleep again, and she left Kate without a clue of what happened to her again.

Victoria knocked, Kate said 'come in', and then she pulled up Kate's chair again to sit across from her. Kate gently rocked herself to feel okay.

Kate had never really gotten to see Victoria just out of a shower. She always showered in the early morning, and Victoria showered in the evenings when Kate didn't leave her room. Her wet hair was kind of spiky - a little goofy, even. She just wore a tank top and shorts, which Kate could not fathom was comfortable in November. Kate never understood those people, like Victoria, who kept their legs trimmed smooth when any reasonable person would wear nothing lighter than jeans, but if Victoria got cold, she didn't show it. Victoria looked . . . a little less sculpted than normal. Less made-up, less elegant. She looked cute. Something that would never stay intact when she started talking.

For the first minute or so, Victoria didn't say anything, she just held her head up while leaning her elbow on the chair arm, inspecting the room and Kate in quick glances. Whatever she was looking for, Kate couldn't tell, but whatever she was doing was practiced.

Finally Victoria spoke up. She asked, "How long has it been since you slept?"

Kate shook her head. "I don't know."

Victoria made the smallest of nods. Then, "Have you been eating?"

"I don't know."

Victoria bit the inside of her cheek. She didn't seem to like this conversation any more than Kate did.

"What have you been taking?"

That was something Kate had the answer to. "Adderall."

Victoria didn't seem surprised. "Stella?" she asked.

Kate nodded affirmative.

Victoria clicked her tongue. She looked disappointed. In Stella? Or Kate?

"Why?" she asked.

It seemed like a weird question. But it was one Kate had been asking herself, too. "I . . . I think it was because I had a C . . . in physics. Report cards are soon."

Victoria didn't look impressed with Kate's answer, but she didn't criticize it, either. What could she say that Kate didn't already believe? That it wasn't worth it? That having a "C" wasn't the end of the world? She knew that. She had thought Katie knew that, too. It's not like she'd seemed interested in studying more than she had to.

"This doesn't seem like you," Victoria said flatly.

Kate smiled weakly, nodding and looking down to avoid Victoria's gaze. "Well, you're not wrong."

Another quiet.

Victoria was looking somewhere else in the room when she asked, "Did you know I grew up Christian?"

Kate shook her head. "No, I didn't."

Victoria nodded. "Well, I did. I can't say I really gave a shit as a kid, we were the kind of family who went for Easter and watched the Nativity play. But when I was, I don't know, eleven?, I got really into it. Trying to make myself better, live the Ten Commandments, commit no adultery in my heart, that sort of stuff. I think it kind of pissed my parents off, really - I told them we shouldn't worship money, that God didn't like drinking, stupid shit. I somewhere along the line got the idea in my head that I could act good enough to get me and my family into heaven."

Kate had no idea why she was being told this. She also hated being some weird token kid who kept her faith who people felt they should confess they stopped believing to, which is where she felt this was heading. The Adderall and lack of sleep shortened her patience to the point she just decided to not say anything instead of pretending she cared what was the last straw for Victoria.

Victoria glanced at Kate, then resumed looking at the corner of the room. "I didn't entirely believe it, mind you. It just felt like the safe option. Hell scared me, so I just figured, hey, let's not. I'll just play along."

"It all seemed like it was going well. I think I was thirteen. I honestly don't remember who told me, but there was this woman who told me that, when the day of reckoning came, I'd be judged for what was in my heart. I think she meant it in a good way, like she was complimenting me for helping her or something. But that just scared me, because no matter what I did, my heart was never really in it. I could be the perfect-est Christian boy and still, they'd ask more?"

I don't care I don't care I don't care.

"So, I gave up. I had a drink. I transitioned. I wore designer clothes for no reason but because I could. I tried to make my outsides match my insides. At least that way, I was honest. No asshole angel could show up one day and let everyone know I'd been lying all along."

"I thought that was enough. You know, give God the bird, revel in the moral superiority of being honest, finally. But . . . a while later. I had this friend who attempted suicide a few times."

Despite her agitation, there was still a tiny reservoir of sympathy in Kate, and it was at least enough for her to finally look at Victoria.

"She was Christian, too. She hated it, too, but her parents wouldn't have it any other way. Studied scripture for years in seminary - she was Mormon. And she refused to play the part, too. She told me a few times at least, that she believed in God because she could tell he hated her. I really vibed with that. It made me feel powerful. It felt good to be something important enough to be hated."

"But, yeah, anyway. This one day she texts me a goodbye. I panic, try to talk her down, find out her plan. A dumbass plan, too - drowning in a bath tub, putting a mattress over it and taking tranquilizers until she couldn't fight back. But, stupid plan or no, I freaked out. Tried to get ahold of her parents, but I couldn't. Didn't know her address. I was stuck in Seattle, and she was here, so there wasn't anything I could do. So, I prayed. Thought it was the only thing left I could do. I just asked Him to spare her. I don't know why I thought he'd listen, really, I didn't offer anything in exchange. I just begged. I didn't want to lose her. If He couldn't have mercy, maybe pity."

She stopped there. Kate expected her to continue, but as the seconds dragged on, Kate became unsure.

"What . . . what happened to your friend?"

"Hm?" Victoria seemed to awaken from a reverie. "Oh. She was unconscious for fourteen hours. The drainage in her tub was pretty good and the water never got over her head. Not enough drugs in her system to kill her. She just woke up, pushed off the mattress and sent me an apology for scaring me."

Kate didn't understand. The story made her sad, but she didn't get anything out of it. "Why are you telling me this?"

Victoria quirked her eyebrows, then folded her hands in her lap. Her feet were up on Kate's desk now, and she swished back and forth a little as she thought.

"Hm. I guess . . . it's because I heard you praying. But not like, real praying. You were begging. You thought you'd lost every bit of power you had, right?"

At first, Kate sat still. Even thinking that just made her more embarrassed and ashamed for the way she'd felt in the shower. But slowly, she nodded.

"Been there," Victoria said. "But I really do think God can't help but take pity on us, small and evil as we are. I don't think there's any bargaining with Him, or pleasing Him really, but I think he feels guilty for the shit we're put through sometimes."

And the irritation is back. "So what?" Kate asks. It's more snide than she anticipated.

Victoria doesn't seem to mind. "So, you get a second chance. You hit your low point and now, here you are. What now? What do you need from your life now that God can give you?"

Kate chuckled quietly again. What did she want? What had she been asking for, really?

"What do I need? I need . . . control. I need to stop losing time. I need some way for my commitments to be upheld. I need to feel like my body is mine. I need to feel like there's something good about me that I chose, like I'm not just acting in a play written by someone else. I need to feel like Me, and to know what that is."

Victoria quirked her eyebrows again. "Tall order," she replied. She mulled it over for a while and said, "What feels like you? If you're in control, and you get to write what happens next, what do you do?"

The first thing that came to mind, the first thing she could finally think of that wasn't what she wanted to stop happening, but what she saw in her mind's eye as happening next, it was wrong. And she knew it. It was precisely the sort of thing she was mad at Katie for doing, the sort of thing that made her feel like she had no control, because she had said 'No' and something inside of her had done it anyway. It was temptation. It was Kate had to rise above to be herself again.

She stood up, standing tall above Victoria for probably the first time. Her hands trembled and she wasn't sure how strong her legs were. She didn't say anything.

Victoria stared up at her curiously. "What is it?" she asked, concerned.

Kate leaned down and reached out at the same time. Her fingers hooked inside Victoria's shirt and pulled it into a bunch in her fist. Fear flashed in Victoria's eyes, as if she were about to be hit. And Kate considered that, too.

Instead, Kate kissed her because she could, and absolutely no one could or would tell her to do it. Because Katie had, and she hadn't 'meant it', whatever the fuck that means. No one in heaven or Earth wanted Kate to kiss Victoria Chase, but she did not care.

Victoria was breathing hard by the time they stopped kissing. Kate's breath was shallow, but she had no idea which thing wrong with her right now was causing that.

"This would be easier if you were on the bed."

Victoria complied once Kate released her from her grasp, sitting on the edge of the bed. Kate couldn't read her expression. Was she horrified? Disgusted? Just shocked? Kate put a hand on her chest and pushed her down as she straddled her, putting probably too much weight on Victoria's chest as she leaned over to kiss her again.

Then, some part of her, some part of her humanity woke up and shocked her into awareness. What would she be if she took control by taking Victoria's away? Would she just be the devil growing in her heart, alive and in control at last?

"Is this okay?" Kate asked.

Victoria was still breathing hard. She licked her lips and blinked a few times as she tried to gather her thoughts. "I thought . . . that I hated you. For never wanting anything selfish. For being good."

Kate didn't feel good. She didn't feel evil, either. She felt like there was nothing outside of this room, outside of her and Victoria right now, that they were invisible to fate and consequence. She felt like absolutely nothing else mattered, least of all the dead girl who lived in her head.

"What do you think now, now that I'm no good anymore?"

There was a part of Kate that knew she was spiraling, that she was losing her grip because she hadn't slept in days, that she didn't even like Victoria or want her. But Kate just told herself that she didn't care. She was writing the script now, and she decided she didn't care about any of that.

"Like I'd be taking advantage if this goes any further."

Kate wrapped her fingers around Victoria's wrists, leaning forward even more to pin them to the bed. She wasn't strong enough to hold Victoria down, and she knew it, but the illusion of control was enough. "Let me make this easy for you, then." Their kiss was rough and passionate and absolutely nothing like what Kate wanted for her first kisses, but those had been taken from her already, hadn't they?

But, like Kate had known, Victoria was stronger than her, and after maybe a minute of them making out and when it became clear that Kate didn't plan to stop it there, Victoria pulled her hands free from Kate's restraint and shoved her off from on top of her. Victoria sat up while Kate returned upright, sitting with her legs crossed on the bed. Victoria was panting and her skin was flushed red. Kate would never have been able to see if Victoria's makeup was on like usual, but it was only too easy to see her effect like this.

"Kate, I think I should go. You're not yourself."

Victoria was right, and she was also wrong.

Victoria stood up and made for the door, but Kate interrupted her, dropping down onto her stomach and sitting her head on her hands, staring up at Victoria as she left.

"What did you feel," Kate asked, "When you heard me masturbating this morning? I have to assume I was loud if I woke you up."

And Victoria paused, her hand on the door handle. She froze there for a second, then took a deep breath. She turned to look back at Kate, but didn't immediately say anything in response.

"Would you like to do that to me yourself?"

Victoria was considering it. She looked Kate over with eyes wide and uncertain and absolutely nothing like she'd ever looked at Kate before.

"It would be wrong," she said.

Kate smiled. "I don't care."

And, after a few more seconds of self-control, of warning and warring with herself, Victoria crumbled. And a few seconds after that, she's on top of Kate, and they get the write the story their way after that.

Dear Katie, Kate said to herself, self-satisfied and, underneath it all, still so angry. Fuck you.

[hooryayy]

TWO YEARS TO THE DAY LATER and I am finally ready to share the story of when I fangirled hard enough to Edward James Olmos that he gave me a free autographed photo of him and Mary McDonnell

So this might get a tad longish, so I’ll be under a cut, but here is a brief summary: a Trump supporter pissed me off so much that despite me being high as heck on adderall, I had to go talk to EJO

In July 2015 I got my then romantic partner and his roommate to watch BSG with me so when I found out EJO was going to be at San Jose Comic Con in August, it only took a little bit of pestering to get them on board.

It was a 2-day convention and my always broke ass had to work late Friday night so we were only going to make it for half of the first day. Saturday morning rolls around and the boys are tripping out because our usual drug guy fell through. It was kind of a ritual for us to pick up some uppers anytime we went out of town, and tbh we were all heavily drug dependent back in those days SO you bet we took 2 extra hours to pop in and out of the city to pick up.

Finally dosed and got on our way, hit the usual weekend bay area traffic and arrived to the con at 3pm. We walked in and the line to meet this guy stretched wall to wall and I was immediately intimidated and tried to walk back out lmao. An announcement was made that they were ending for the day at 4, so I felt a lot less pressured to overcome my anxiety yet. Spent that hour in Star Trek collectors heaven though..

Rest of the eve/night we spent doing things GROWN ASS ADULTS shouldn’t be doing like sneaking into mini-golf and climbing trees with bottles of Jack and hot-boxing our hotel room while watching the series finale of Hannibal...

OK so Sunday. This was my day. We were having breakfast at the Red Robin in Morgan Hill with all the white families that just got done with church, the three of us doubled-down on 60 extended (okay this is a pretty big dose) and I’m starting to get anxious again (with or without the drugs it wouldn’t have mattered) like “I’m not/I can’t meet this guy, I don’t know how to approach him or even what to say blah blah blah” and the boys are getting mad at me because I talked about this for weeks (and planned what i wanted to say) and I’m being lame and I’ll be fine..

We show up to day 2, 12pm.. and literally no one is in line and now I am hella freaking the fuck out because literally it is only me that is stopping this from happening. My friend immediately walks up and shakes his hand and chats for a second and comes back and says the obvious that he is a nice dude, and I am like frozen, second hand embarrassment even though nothing bad happened. But my scared ass walks to the exact opposite corner of the building to slowly browse and psyche myself up for this.

so I got sucked in to this guy’s 90s scifi trading card collection, specifically the x-files binders lol and then he starts to make small talk and stuff, he asks what I study. OK I studied Political Science and Religious Studies, and it LITERALLY does not matter which answer I give it always starts something. but I choose the easier one and say politics.. and hooo boy

This fucker just goes off on me, saying shit like how stupid and lazy my generation is and that we don’t work hard, are entitled and have no idea how the real world works (the usual propaganda), and if we did we would be thinking about voting for Trump in the 2016 election (mind you this was VERY early on where Trump was still considered a joke even to the republicans)

Remember I am HIGH AS Shit. I am 2000% extra aware of and feeling the aggressive and hateful energy coursing through my veins from this interaction. Now Im sure he said other things I don’t remember because all I could do is focus on my breathing as to not get manipulated into whatever space this guy was trying to create but I heard a break in his rant, looked up, smiled and said “Thanks for sharing your collection with me” and dipped for the back exit to smoke 18 cigarettes.

Here is where I am letting myself get fucking pissed off, pacing and chain smoking. Neither of the boys are answering their phones. Then I realized how badass I was just then, and proud of myseelf for spiritually blocking out a nazi (again this is before they identified as such and punching them was a thing). I was like if I can handle this asshole, I can go meet Edward James Fucking Olmos no. problem.

I march back in and go straight to his table but then I took a detour to sit in a white folding chair about 20 feet away for 25 minutes first. Eventually one of his security dudes comes up to me and is like “Are you waiting for an autograph?” and I’m like “no, but I do want to talk to him for a minute if that is possible”

The guy asks for my name and we walk up to EJO together and he goes “This is Amy. She would like to talk with you.” And now I am realizing that everyone here is trying to gauge how severe my social handicap is.. but he puts out his hand to shake

“Hi, I am Ed.” I shook his hand!!

“I’m Amy. I just had the most awful interaction with a Trump supporter here so Im a little put off. He kept telling me how stupid me and my generation are and it makes me very grateful that you are a humanist and philanthropist. I’d recently watched the UN Panel and you talked about the invention of race as a tool for genocide and it means so much to me that you would use your voice and influence on that platform to address these kinds of things...”

and I trail off cuz Im about to ramble and shit and I noticed how he was just taking everything I said very seriously, like wasn’t expecting any of that at all. HE pauses and looks back up at me and says how special that panel was to him, that he’ll never do something as important again in his life. Then he asks me where I go to school and what I study, so I tell him and he is impressed with all the creds. Asks me if I am planning on going into politics.

“Not in the public sense. I want to do policy research targeting intersections of poverty, race, and education” And I swear to god his eyes snap up so fast to meet mine, like he is in admiral mode here and I am captivated. Straight in the eyes to me he goes

“We need you. All of us needs you up there doing that, fighting for that, for us. I have a feeling we are about to enter some tough times. I can tell you are special and it takes special people to make things happen”

I said thank you but I am about to burst into tears. I mean we all know this but let me reinforce it.. Ed is such an intense human and I had all 100% of this guy in my presence, overwhelmingly so, and I am mostly shook because he literally had no obligation to say anything. This guy fucking met me 5 minutes ago but he is ready to say that, and I sense he isn’t the kind of guy to just say shit. Also I AM STILL VERY HIGH lets not forget

So I change the subject because that other stuff is getting too intense for me, and I switch over to BSG lol and I ask him about Adama’s tendency to punish himself physically when he feels he has played some role in pain or negativity coming into his loved ones’ lives. He talks particularly about Adama’s alcoholism in season 4 and how he approached it as a combo of punishment and escapism (which let me tell you is..accurate). He finishes up his answer and all of a sudden I fucking blurt out for some ungodly fucking reason

“I love you and Mary, you are so cute together, I hope to meet her too”

Mortified. I am overstepping boundaries. I am dying inside and I can’t believe I got 3 thoughts out before I stopped.

He smiles and giggles and grabs this pic to sign for me for freeee and says “I hope you will too”

Amy- all of my love to you.

Like is that something he would normally sign for someone? Is that something anyone would sign to a random fan?

Anyways he gave it to me, I said thanks and I literally ran out of the convention clutching this picture to my chest and sat down against the building and started crying of the ultimate level embarrassment I could personally possibly be on. My boys find me and laugh at me and I cried the whole way home.

I still get major embarrassment even today just thinking about this interaction, no matter how well it turned out and how much of an impact EJO had on me.

Feels good to finally share my story in its entirety!! Thanks for reading

[julietsdarkmind]

lately

my mind has been racing recently, with so many things. i just want it to stop. i feel myself wanting adderall more and more every day. i don’t know if i feel a difference with it but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything so it just makes me want more. i did it four times in the past month, and i just want to do it more. its kinda scary, but i don’t even care. i just found out its immediate release after doing some research. lily literally gave me a few 20mg for free and then i took 2 more when she was gone, which is really sad. so now i think i have 4 or 5 left. i wanna take two 20mg tomorrow, and maybe ill feel something. but i also have a test tomorrow, which makes me question if i should or shouldn’t. but ya know fuck it. well see. i tried to do some homework today and last night but i literally couldn’t focus at all. i barely got anything done. hence why i am writing this now. i only did it four times and they weren’t high dosages so i could be tricking myself into thinking I'm forming a dependency of it or that i need it. i mean i have always been a procrastinator but maybe it wasn’t always this hard to do work. adderall can also decrease your appetite which i noticed when im on it, and as fucked up as this sounds, i like the feeling of not being hungry and not eating all day. i don’t know it has just been on my mind a lot. 

also, as always, emmett has been on my mind. the other night i was texting him and i was pretty fucked up and i said that sometimes i imagine if we lived together. in the morning i realized how crazy that sounded and i felt so embarrassed after. so i texted him that morning and apologized for being weird last night. he said i wasnt being weird and to not worry. i said it okay bc i remember saying weird things then he admitted and said that “maybe they were a little weird lol” i asked him to tell me the things i said that were a little weird. i was like I'm embarrassed to look up and read them, but then i did, and i told him i was sorry for saying the stuff about living with each other and for him to disregard it. he just said how he was high and he guesses some of the questions were weird. but then he said “you didn’t its a good thought” and when he said that i think he was saying how i didn’t freak him out and thinking about living together is a good thought. when i said it that night he said  “that would be amazing” and “it would be like when you visit me” so i guess thats a good thing. i facetimed him that day (the day i told him i was sorry for saying it) and i mentioned how it was cringey and he immediately was like how is that cringey? and said it wasn’t weird or cringey of me to say. i know that took a long time to explain but yeah. it just really shocked me because i thought he was going to get the message that i was already planning our whole future together and shit, but he didn’t get that message. we’ve been facetiming more and longer, even though it is later at night, it is better than nothing. i should tell him i appreciate it. but now he isn’t really texting me back. idk this whole relationship has put me through so much, good and bad. any relationship would. it just scares the fuck out of me because we always talk about what its going to be like when we break up, well i guess I'm the one who always brings it up. i told him how i feel like hes going to be the one to break up with me, but he said the opposite. overall it has just been a rollercoaster, and i don’t think it will ever stop, even after we break up.

kaitlyn has been pretty busy and she cares a lot about school, i know she does, so i understand why she hasn’t been able to keep much in contact. she scares me though because she is always saying such negative things and once i try to address it she just shuts me out. i don't know what to do. shes not my responsibility and i can’t fix her i know that, but it just sucks because i want my bubbly friend back. yes at times she is there, but just overall she seems so miserable and i wish i could help, but she won’t listen to me and this is ultimately up to her. ill see her this weekend which I'm excited about, and a bunch of my friends from home too. i shouldn’t be nervous, but i always am when it comes down to this stuff. I'm going to try and see emmett for a few days during my spring break so i hope she isn’t upset when i tell her. ill obviously be home most of my spring break and try and see her as much as i can.

my friends here have been iffy. i just haven’t been feeling hanging out with them or anything. yeah marina is cool and maybe I'm over it but sometimes i feel as though I'm not as close as i think we are. she talks shit to me about kitty and ashley a lot which kinda proves that she has talked shit about me to them. kitty and ashley just are not my type of people and now I'm kind of questioning living with them at all, it sounds shitty but its true. ashley already said she would want a single if we don't get the quad and we most likely won’t get the quad. i don’t know what ill do. i texted them last night that i couldn’t make it for bachelor night and they didn’t even respond, which kind of pissed me off. ive gotten closer with lily which has been nice and i honestly believe she is a genuinely nice person, and we get along. it was just kinda weird with michael this past weekend but in a way it kinda brought us closer, i just feel bad with how it all went down.

and as for myself, i don’t know. i’m unhappy, i obsess over my body, oversexualize myself, I'm craving adderall constantly and sometimes i can’t even read my own mind. i don’t know how to think or behave anymore.