#can we believe uni starts in 9 days I know nothing? I mean yes and we’re also not surprised

[rather-impertinent]

Me on the bus en-route back to shitty Aberdeen for my final year of uni

[parcoeurs]

Extremely fascinated by your wag AU tag 👀.

thanks bestie so am i.

okay lmao so this isn't an actual fic that'll ever be written but. i was talking to my friend about it who still hasn't finished dts season 3 unfortunately but it means that i've switched around ages and years etc. i promise this has the potential to be a fun and sexy time but there's just s o much background shit that needs to be discussed. tw for mentions of irl deaths etc:

but pierre & charles meeting when they're 5-6 (which is what i think charles actually says irl but someone said it might've been closer to when they were 10-11? regardless.) and charles' dad passes away when they're 9-10, and jules when they're 13-14 and charles quits racing then. (fyi i know that irl jules passed away first)

he thinks about quitting when his dad passes away but keeps going with help from jules. so when the accident etc happens, it's not even like an active decision he ponders. he just knows there's no way he'll race again.

and pierre's been with him throughout everything, his best friend who he can talk to when he can't bear looking at his own family. so he doesn't understand when pierre tells him he's going to keep racing. when charles had told him he was never going to get into a kart ever again, pierre had nodded, grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight. important to note that they're barely teenagers rn so yes charles feels betrayed that pierre isn't feeling the same things he is and isn't choosing the same future for himself etc.

they have a huge fight, lots of crying, lots of dramatic teenage angst. but it ultimately ends with charles shutting pierre out of his life. which is easier said than done when it's your best friend whose family is super close with yours. but it works because pierre is off racing around the world and charles has done all he can to never have to think about that stuff.

so charles goes to school, is doing uni somewhere in europe. studies something generic like business or maybe if i'm feeling suuuuper indulgent i will have him major in environmental studies like moi <3 pointedly does not come to monaco during grand prix weekend or the week before or the week after.

and then anthoine passes away too. (they're 20-21 now)

they see each other again at the funeral but don't talk, they meet up afterwards. pierre breaking down in charles' arms, clutching at his back, telling him he was right. pierre should've quit, he can't do this anymore either. they haven't said a word to each other in 7 years but charles still knows pierre, and knows that this isn't actually what pierre wants. or what he should do. (charles vaguely knows pierre's in f1 but doesn't know he's with redbull, doesn't know redbull's the top team etc)

"you can still do this, you will," charles tells him.

"not without you again."

so then comes the challenge of mending their relationship while still working through the shared trauma, and the Layers of past trauma. and also just the general awkwardness that comes with a friendship breakup/makeup situation you know! they can't just act like nothing happened but would it be easier that way?

they start texting first, then they play fifa or cod together. (sometimes pierre's british friend lewis joins too.)

slowly slowly slowly, they become friends again and then inseparable too. maybe even closer than they were before and charles only now realizes how much he missed pierre. while pierre still can't believe he has charles back now, it's as good as he let himself imagine.

the part i'm unsure about is if i would want pierre's career trajectory to be the same or not. because i think the demotion adds SUCH a painful but interesting aspect to his ~storyline. but ultimately i think maybe he just doesn't get the second seat immediately. spends more years with toro rosso/alpha tauri before getting "called up" (sorry i have no idea what the proper terminology is haha ignore the nba/nhl terms).

he invites charles to his first race in the red bull and charles says no. immediately. pierre's quiet on the other side of the phone, internally thinking he messed this up somehow. he thought things were going well and he takes this as charles doesn't want to see him. but he knows there's a lot more that's stopping charles and he also knows charles will definitely pull back if pierre asks about the other stuff. so he moves right along, asking charles about school, the weather, and tries not to let it show in his voice that he misses his best friend and needs him too.

"i'm going to try to watch," charles says, after pierre's yawned goodnight through the phone and is waiting for him to hang up. because you know pierre's not going to hang up first.

"what?"

"the race. i'm going to try. goodnight!" mentally charles slams the phone shut but really he just smashes at the red button before shoving it under his bed and looking at his hands trying to get answers for what he just did.

his only relief is that he didn't promise pierre he would watch, just that he would try. couldn't even choke out a, "good luck." (insert long paragraph about charles letting pierre down or thinking he has).

he only watches qualifying. pierre p3. already knows on saturday that there's no way he can watch the actual race.

but on sunday when he's supposed to be going over his notes for his climate change science & policy course (yes.... i did it...) he finds himself with his heart in his mouth refreshing formula1 dot com. watches the random names move up and down while keeping his eyes on 10 - gasly. (starts shaking for a second when he sees pierre's name drop until the IN PIT sign comes up across his name. fellas the thing about triggers is-- anyways.)

the scariest part is that by the time he's scrolled through all of red bull's socials to look at pictures of pierre on the podium (he finished p2 sorry i know this truly does not matter), he's forgotten about the race. the anxiety sits small in the back of his throat, his happiness for pierre is bright and loud in front of him. charles sends him a message, asking him to call whenever he can and adds a blue & red heart emoji which feels like a Big Step. but basically pierre calls and acts like nothing has happened since the last time they talked. mentions the breakfast he had in detail as if he didn’t get a podium in his first race with red bull. finally with a big team. but charles embarrassingly realizes that maybe his text didn't exactly imply in literally any way whatsoever that he knows the results of the race and was trying to congratulate pierre with this call. charles probably feels so embarrassed at this point but somehow still can't manage to say anything about the race until the next day maybe.

maybe texts pierre, good job. or, you were great. or something about him and not the race. or maybe reposts a picture from red bull but not one of pierre in his car, pointedly. only one of him on the podium. and pierre probably reposts it with the squid emoji and/or my favourite sentence in the world, merci petit calamaro.

charles cries when he reads it.

not to be lazy now but [insert 10k words of them building their friendship. meeting up in monaco with both of their families. meeting in milan or london or paris idk where pierre would live. but he flies charles out. not on a private jet because charles flat out refused lol. not because he's an environmentally conscious king he's just too, embarrassed? overwhelmed? by pierre doing Things Like That for him. even though he wants it lol. like when he graduates he's soooo annoyed that pierre couldn't come celebrate immediately because it was race week. but when he comes home his apartment is filled with flowers (roses, his favourite) and balloons and a giant teddy bear as tall as charles. and he DOES post 12 instagram stories to go with the other 30 from his other friends congratulating him. so yeah charles goes through a lot of personal growth and therapy. to the point where he's watching pierre race again, and waiting for him to invite him to a race again!!! do not even think about actual dates i'm fucking begging you but the one he goes to is monza :))))]

ultimately charles' path to understand/accepting/moving on from, his trauma, happens once he has pierre back in his life. it's also encouraged by pierre, but it's also not entirely because of him. not sure how to word that but yeah. these things are happening at the same time but charles still has to go through them by himself.

pierre takes him on romantic dates all around the world and charles doesn't realize that's what they are. fully in his bestie vibes only mood while pining for pierre in a way he doesn't even quite understand. almost a self deprecating, jeez whoever gets to date pierre is going to be so lucky :/

fanpage on ig: met pierre's alleged bf he's so pretty and sweet, i complimented his shoes and he was so nice. charles reading that: i didnt know he was dating someone :( why wouldn't he tell me :( well at least someone complimented my shoes today :(

pierre doesn't necessarily think they're dating, but he does know charles doesn't quite realize what they're doing so he's just waiting for him to come to terms with it.

not to give this au 10 different subplots but yeah that miscommunication plot becomes our prize for surviving through the first part of this.

but yeah at the last race of the year, that pierre wins because i said so? charles finds him before he goes on to the podium, kisses his helmet. says i love you, i'm so proud of you.

THEN, finally, charles does become pierre's wag. we made it kids. we did it joe.

[anika-ann]

Little Big Things to Celebrate... with a challenge

I’m gonna start by saying THANK YOU. For every single one of you, whether you interact a lot or only a bit or rarely at all. This is for all of you and for those who aren’t in the 500 too ;) 

So, let’s celebrate the only way I can think of:

Rules:

You don’t have to be following me, but it would be nice if you did. (Come to the dark side. We have fluff and stuff.)

As for now, it’s one prompt per person (but after you post it, you can pick another if you’d like!). Let me read your stuff!

Send me an ask when you pick one (or a DM if you’re on the shier side). You can add character you’ll be writing for if already decided. I’ll try to update this list as often as possible.

When you post, use the tag #challenge500ann in the first 5 tags and tag me in the fic please. If I don’t respond with at least ♥ within two days, please, reach out, the system messed up again. (I’ll be a bit out from 9th to 14th August though, fair warning.)

Feel free to alternate the pronouns/tense/etc in the prompt in case that it would sound… unnatural in your fic otherwise.

Keep it Marvel, please. Movies, tv series, I don’t care. Comics are alright, but I guess I’ll have to do some research. If you truly want a different movie/show characters, DM me please. Crossovers are fine, welcomed actually.

Canon or non-canon ships, reader inserts, pairing with an OC, no pairing at all, platonic relationships – bring it. We don’t discriminate here. AU completely of your choice when picking a prompt? Gimme those too.

Fluff, angst, humour, I take it all. Smut must be properly tagged and with a warning before the text of the fic. (And yes, I’m aware most of the prompts are easier to make fluffy/funny, sue me or surprise me.)

Drabbles, one-shots, first chapter/prologue to a new series... size doesn’t matter O:-) But I’m begging you, if it’s over 500 words, use the keep reading bar (yeah, I know, sometimes it doesn’t even work, but let’s try).

Deadline: 9th September. 

If you need an extension, DM me. We’re all only human and life gets in the way. I just want to make sure to have time to read all your stuff before starting my last(?) year of uni. Bachelor thesis is going to eat a lot of my time.

Prompts below the cut. Dig in!

Prompts  

(it’s scary, but I can hear the characters say it in my head, change it for me!) There’s a source of the prompts above each group that means nothing but me crediting them:

(The Flash)

1. “Am I the only one who watches movies around here?” @randomsevans​

2. “Say something so we know you’re okay!” “Ow.”  @elysianecho with Steve

3. “Rule number one: when a girl says it’s fine, it’s not fine!” (optional follow-up: “Amen!”)  @adorkably 

4. “What is wrong with you two? That’s not friendship.” @scentedsongrebel

(Arrow)

5. “You tell anyone about this, I will kill you.” “…that’s just an expression, right?” @nekoannie-chan  with Steve or Rumlow

6. “As far as plans go, this isn’t a good one.” “This was your plan.” “I didn’t think you’d actually say yes!”  @chris-evans-indian-fanfic with Captain Marvel & Valkyrie

7. “Is that judgement I’m hearing?” “Pride.”

8. “So we’re not doing the what happens in Russia stays in Russia?” “We’re still in Russia.” @buckybarney​

9. “You are such a bitch!” “Takes one to know one, sweetheart!” (feel free to change the insult and/or petname)  @amythedvdhoarder​ with Bucky

(Supergirl & Legends of Tomorrow)

10. “You look like crap.” “Thank you, I saw the mirror this morning.”  

11. “Name/pronoun is/are super hot.” *Silence* “Gay, not blind.”

12. “No offence.” “Offence taken.”

(Chuck)

13. “So in this plan I basically do nothing?” “Yep.” “Let’s do this!”

14. “If my primary objective wasn't to protect you, I'd kill you.” @lilbabycee​ with Bucky

15. “What are you doing?” “Escaping.” “From your own birthday party?” @averyrogers83 with Clint

16. “You actually listened to me?” “I can’t quite believe it myself!” @hufflepuffvs with Steve

17. “This is a part of my cover.” “Well, it doesn’t cover a thing!”

(Supernatural)

18. “I get all tingly when you take control like that.”

19. “’Game of Thrones’ is complicated. Shower sex - that's complicated. *thing* ain't complicated.”

20. “So? Maybe I’m not real, nobody’s perfect.”

(Merlin)

21. “What are we still doing here?!” “You were unconscious!” “Always have an excuse, don’t you?”

22. “This is one of those moments when I tell you something isn't a good idea and you ignore me, isn't it?” @pies-writes-and-more with Steve

23. “I want to say something I’ve never said to you before… thank you.”

24. “I thought you said you had faith in me.” “Whatever gave you that idea?”

25. “I had no idea you were so keen to die for me.” “Trust me, I can hardly believe it myself.” @mysterioh​

AU and tropes

A) (Evil) Twin/Mistaken Identity @anjali750

B) Time-travel @sophiria

C) Bodyswap

D) Horror AU 

E) Fairy Tale/Fantasy AU   @queen-kass-the-writer  with Steve

F) Lawyer AU

G) Biker AU @kayteewritessteve with Steve 

H) Bodyguard AU @donutloverxo with Steve

I) Single Parent AU @romaxnogersav​ with Bucky

J) Escort AU

Ball’s in your court now! Have fun! And stay safe!

[kaisooficrec]

Kaisoo Our Love As One 2 (2019)

The second round of the lovely OLAO has begun! We’re blessed by so many kaisoo fics! We encourage you to show your support and appreciation for the authors by leaving kudos, comments and shoutouts on twitter ^^ merry christmas everyone!

#1. Confession

Genre: Romance, Soulmates, Imprinting, College/University AU, Jealous!Do Kyungsoo Length: 6,436 w Rating: PG-13 Summary: Do Kyungsoo received a confession in front of the entire campus from a complete stranger. And he said yes.

#2. Case #: 181102 (The Red Cube)

Genre: SCP Foundation,Tempo MV Inspired AU, Unreliable NarratorSCP - 3008 inspiredSCP - 167 inspired Length:  9,247 w Rating: NC-17 Warnings/Kinks/Other: Blood and gore, Graphic descriptions of violence, self-injurious behaviors, memory alteration, horror movie tropes Summary: It has been years since Kyungsoo first entered the Red Cube, he isn't sure whether there has ever been anything besides it.

#3. A Summer of Plums and Peaches

Genre: fluff, country boy vs city boy AU Length: 11,450 w Rating: PG-13 Summary: Jongin visits his grandmother every summer in the rural town in Korea where she lives. There are two problems with this: he can hardly speak Korean and he hates the heat. One day, he gets lost and ends up in a patch of poisonous vines when he meets Kyungsoo, the farmer boy with a heavy country accent who doesn't believe Jongin doesn't speak Korean. This summer vacation is going to be a long one.

#4. Ask Me And I Might Answer 

Genre: slight angst, fluff, doctor AU Length: 12,225 w Rating: NC-17 Warnings: minor character death, pregnancy scare  Summary: When Kyungsoo volunteered to read for the kids at the hospital with his step-brother, he didn't expect to encounter any trouble at all. But trouble came in a form of a handsome surgeon-in-training, Kim Jongin. Not that he was a bad influence or anything. In fact, he was the exact opposite. But he was trouble for Kyungsoo's stubborn heart.And Kyungsoo didn't need that. And he certainly didn't need a pregnancy scare just because he's showing symptoms of pregnancy weeks after they spent the night together.Kyungsoo knew it was the chicken.

#5. don’t tell me the moon is shining

Genre: bakery AU, uni AU, angst Length: 7,487 w Rating: G Warning: implied/referenced character death  Summary: Time bends with his wrists, its passage as malleable as the dough between his fingers. Everything is slow; and in no unpleasant way. The old ceiling fan circles as though swimming through honey, and the adjacent lights hum the afternoon away. Kyungsoo himself feels absorbed in the warp, his breaths deep and his blinking almost sluggish. It’s relaxing. A breath of fresh air and a return to familiarity, all at once.

#6. (now you wanna) play with me

Genre: celebrity AU, actor!kyungsoo, slice of life, smut, humor, fluff Length: 14,064 w Rating: NC-17 Summary: kyungsoo is an actor and jongin's the first photographer to take him home after a shoot for vogue

#7. Destiny

Genre: historical AU ish, slight angst, slight drama, supernatural elements Length: 9,208 w Rating: NC-17 Summary: Kyungsoo wanted to build things that will last, not destroy them. But the latest project he got from his father's architectural firm was to demolish a beautiful, old house. He can't understand but there was a pull when he saw the house's picture. Like he just have to be there.His questions were answered when he roomed at the old house's attic and talked to the boy who used to stay there. The only problem is that the boy is 100 years from the past.

#8. Mr. Kim’s Boyfriend

Genre: Angst, Mafia au Length: 3,150 w Rating: NC-17  Warning: Kidnapping, Blackmailing, Misunderstadings Summary: It start with a joke and it end with a disaster, Kyungsoo was joking about him being the boyfriend of the most powerful gang leader in the town " THE KIM", who no one knew really.But the problem was when someone hears Kyungsoo saying that he's the gang leader's baby boy and start spread the rumour. Kyungsoo didn't bother to correct them yet it spread enough to reach the most dangerous gangs's ears.

#9. To Those Who Feel Nothing

Genre: Rebellion against the government, Slight Angst, Dystopian AU  Legth: 10,344 w Rating: PG-13  Summary: In the utopia of the Stato Kolektiva, emotions have been destroyed for the sake of logic and progress. Do Kyungsoo runs an underground operation of bottled emotions for a hefty price in the city of Nova Okazo. Fear, Happiness, Sadness - he has it all. All except Love. He cannot make what he has not felt. But then he meets a dancer.

#10. Just Believe

Genre: Fluff, angst, dystopian-ish Length: 5,744 w Rating: PG-13 Summary: Kyungsoo's time had come. When you’re 12, you have to pass the test. if you hear the song and sing along, you’ll have to go in the “static”. kai wishes he could meet d.o. again, but he’s long gone now.

#11. Best Of Me

Genre: Caretaker au, drama, angst Warning: Blind and paralyzed character Length: 15,320w Rating: NC-17 Summary: When Kyungsoo was hired to be Jongin's caretaker, he had expected the job to be difficult but he didn't expect to care for his patient more than he should. Jongin, blind and paralyzed, constantly belittles everything Kyungsoo does but Kyungsoo just takes it all in for he knew that pain can make monsters out of the best people. So Kyungsoo vowed. He promised himself that he will help Jongin go back to the best version of himself. Even if it would mean that Kyungsoo had to burn and fade out just to reignite the fire within Jongin.

#12. Rain Drops

Genre: abo au, royalty au Length: 14,616w Rating: NC-17 Summary: As an Alpha prince, Jongin is expected to marry an Omega from a Nobel family, not the stray they picked up on the side of the road on the way to his summer home.

#13. it’s heist time, baby!

Genre: robbery au(?), it’s a cute robbery though :) Length: 4,849w Rating: G Summary: a halloween heist goes slightly wrong when kyungsoo finds the ring instead of the plaque in jongin's desk. he has to pretend that he doesn't know anything but the thing is—he sucks at lying.

#14. The clumsiest soulmate.

Genre: Soulmate au, fluff Length: 2,420w Rating: G Summary: Since he was a kid, Kyungsoo believed his soulmate was bullied from how many times he wake up with bruises all over his body. Little he knew it was far from that.

#15. The cute little bear

Genre: Hybrid au, domestic fluff Length: 3,966w Rating: G Summary: Kyungsoo woke up on the sound of loud sobs and found a cute bear hybrid, curled in his backyard, who he didn't hesitate to take care of and love beyond limits.

#16. Joys of Fate

Genre: Abo au, mates, strangers to lovers Length: 8,294w Rating: NC-17 Summary: Kim JongIn had never left anything made him feel like he wasn’t capable of leading his father's legacy, not his second gender, not those nasty and traditional alphas that worked with him. He was ready to face everything that was thrown at him. Even his destined alpha being his new secretary, Do KyungSoo.

#17. Hero In

Genre: Stalking, broken relationships Length: 7,792w Rating: NC-17 Summary: Little did he know, a mysterious man watches him every night, the same man he broke his heart months ago.

#18. Raggedy Man

Genre: Science-fiction, Doctor Who au(?), time travel Length: 25,015w Rating: G Summary: Kyungsoo just wanted a date. What he got was an adventure of a lifetime!

#19:  Bloom (피어나)

Genre: Romance, Fluff, Inspired by Hades and Persephone (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), Alternate Universe - Historical Length: 11,179 w Rating: R Summary: Everyone thinks Jongin was kidnapped by Kyungsoo, the god of death, but the man always visited him while he rested surrounded by flowers and talked to him, never forced him to do anything, sometimes he simply stared for hours on end, always with a kind smile on his gorgeous lips, until he had to go back to the underworld. Jongin wasn't kidnapped, not really. He fell into the underworld because he fell in love.

[laceymorganwrites]

Here is 2nd prompt: 1 to 9, 11 to 14, 16, 17, 21 to 24, 28 to 37, 39, 43 to 45, 52, 55, 56(let me guess MGK?), 64, 67, 69, 70, 72, 73, 75 to 81, 83 to 87, 90 to 92, 94, 98, 106 to 123, 125 to 127, 134, 138, 139, 143 to 151, 154 and 155 (cut it in two/three part we gonna have an headache if not) -Sarah

I´m gonna put a cut here lol this is gonna be a long post 

1. Full name

I´m uncomfortable answering that one. My first irl name is Hope though

2. Age

18

3. 3 fears

spiders, lonliness, death

4. 3 things I love

my friends, my cats, writing

5. 4 turn ons

subs, lip biting, intense eye contant, praise

6. 4 turn offs

degrading, forcing control, belittling me, just being disgusting

7. my best friend

met him in tenth grade, best thing that ever happened to me. platonic soulmate, always there for me. Love him with all my heart

8. sexual orientation

lesbian, on the aro spectrum

9. my best first date

never had any

11. What do I miss?

Being able to get a good night´s sleep

12. What time were I born?

Around 4am

13. favorite color?

since black doesn´t count yellow, dark red, dark purple

14. Do I have a crush?

on irls no. On fictional men yes

16. favorite place?

Dublin (especially the pubs)

17. favorite food?

french toast, homemade burgers, pizza

21. Shoe size

38 in Germany (idk the size system of other countries)

22. Eye color

Dark blue, with a bit of green in the middle. My eyes look like the ocean, so when I say dark blue, I mean really dark.

23. hair color

Natural dirty blonde, but currently washed out dyed purple

24. favorite style of clothing?

grunge with elements of punk

28. favorite movie?

Lord of the rings

29. favorite song?

I can´t choose just one, but the one that really means a lot to me is You´ll Be Fine by Palaye Royale

30. Favorite band?

Used to be Creeper, but is currently Palaye Royale

31. How I feel right now?

Tired and in pain (just started my period)

32. Someone I love

My best friend

33. my current relationship status

single irl, but dating lesbian anon on here

34. my relationship with my parents

good I guess, though we don´t do a lot together

35. favorite holiday

Halloween and Pride

36. Tattoos and piercings I have

none

37. Tattoos and piercings I want

none since I have a low pain tolerance (it´s rlly nonexistent)

39. Do I and my last ex hate each other?

Well, I´m over it but he´s petty and spreading rumors about me so....

43. How long does it take for me to get ready in the morning?

An hour. I take a long time to fully wake up, so I do things very slow. 

44. have you shaved your legs in the past three days?

nope. I don´t shave, my mom thinks it´s disgusting but I don´t care. My body, my rules

45. Where am I right now?

In my bed, as always

52. when was the last time I hugged someone?

A few days ago

55. what is something I disliked about today?

starting my period

56. If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Nikki Sixx.

64. Do I believe in magic?

Not really, but I´m open to anything

67. What was the last book you´ve read?

I´m currently reading ´The Dirt´

69. Do I have any nicknames?

Lace, Ace, Hopi

70. what was the worst injury I ever had?

my self inflicted one  I guess

72. can I touch my nose with a tongue?

sadly no

73. Is there anything pink 10 feets from me?

yup, my pillow

75. what was I doing last night at 12 AM?

listening to Yagami Yato´s audios

76. What do I think Satan´s last name is?

Mine since I´ll marry her when I arrive in hell

77. What´s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

Na Na Na by MCR

78. How can you win my heart?

Make me laugh

79. What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

Fucking finally

80. What is my favorite word?

Cunt

81. my top 5 blogs on tumblr

@varia-venus @one-piece-dumpster-fire @miyaniacs @aomineavenue @hoe-imaginess

83. Do I have any relatives in jail?

Not that I know

84. I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

Teleportation

85. What would be a question I´d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Why are you like this?

86. What is my current desktop picture?

It´s an edited Madara one my friend made me

87. had sex?

Voluntarily no

90. failed a class?

Luckily no

91. kissed a boy?

yup, 2 times and both times it was disgusting af

92. kissed a girl?

no, but she kissed me and that was when I realized I was gay. She broke my heart too.

94. Had a job?

no, but hopefully soon

98. played on a sports team?

no, I can´t play sports

106. been to a wedding?

only when I was little, so I don´t remember anything

107. Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

that´s nothing to me. I spend my whole day on here. That´s why I spam with those prompt thingies, cause I get bored and am always active

108. Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

I´m a fucking hermit, of course I have

109. been outside my home country?

yes, mutliple times

110. gotten my heart broken?

yup and it hurt like a bitch

111. been to a professional sports game?

Me and my class went to a pro ice hockey game and it was amazing

112. broken a bone?

not yet fortunately

113. cut myself?

yup and not proud of it

114. been to prom?

no, got cancelled because of COVID

115. been in an airplane?

yes, but I´m afraid of flying and heights

116. fly by helicopter?

no

117. what concerts have I been to?

Katy Perry, Halestorm (2 times), The Pretty Reckless, All Time Low, Halsey, Waterparks, Palaye Royale, Kyle Gass Band, Hey Violet, David Guetta, Bring me the horizon, Macklemore (2 times), Rihanna, Panic! At the disco, Fall Out Boy, Twenty One Pilots (2 times), Amy Shark, Hayley Kiyoko

118. had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yes

119. learned another language?

yup. But I failed and can´t speak any of it. The only foreign language that stuck with me is English

120. wore make up?

yeah, a lot actually. I like experimenting with make up

121. lost my virginity before I was 18?

Not voluntarily

122. Had oral sex?

Not voluntarily

123. Dyed my hair?

A lot

125. Rode in am ambulance?

no

126. had a surgery?

only a minor one

127. met someone famous?

I met a German youtuber at the Halsey concert and I got VIP tickets for Palaye Royale, so I met all of them

134. What do I want for my birthday?

I don´t know. Probably some cosplay supplies

138. what was my favorite toy as a child?

I was a Playmobil kid

139. Favorite TV show?

Can´t choose. Will go with Haikyuu for now

143. Favorite pizza topping?

Ham and mushrooms

144. Am I afraid of the dark?

yes

145. Am I afraid of heights?

yes

146. Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

no, but I never done any of that

147. Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

all the time cause I keep comparing myself to others

148. what I´m really bad at

social interaction

149. what my greatest achievements are

graduating and making it into uni

150. the meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

can´t really remember to be honest. People have always been talking behind my back rather than saying it to my face

151. what I´d do if I won in a lottery?

move to Ireland, buy a house, give the rest to charity

154. something I fantasize about

anime men

[piilokarsastus]

Question time!

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? because life is hard and i just don’t understand what i’m doing wrong but everyone else seems to know

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? nope. and to be fair, i would be sleeping anyway

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? if it’s like an actual thing for them that they do regularly, i’d probably be a bit concerned, but i don’t see anything wrong with trying things out for fun. if you’re just a straight up pothead, we wouldn’t be dating in the first place

4: Do you find it easy to trust others? i guess

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? filling in another pointless question post on tumblr, funny that you should ask

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? unlikely scenario, but i’m gonna say my friends from uni

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? probably spend the next few years thinking about it, unable to trust anyone again

8: Are you close with your dad? not as close as with my mum but still reasonably close

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? i’m curious as to what kind of life you think i’m living because this is not it

10: What are you listening to? the soothing hum of my laptop fan

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? woter:)

12: Do you like hickeys? i don’t exactly understand the point

13: What time do you go to bed? going to bed and falling asleep are two very different things but usually around 2-4

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? me. it’s me.

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? definitely not

16: Do you always answer your texts? sooner or later, yes

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? no

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? not that long ago

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? all of my friends

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? aight imma head out

21: Is anyone else in the room with you? no

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? in a sense i do

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? i feel like i was, yeah

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? well there’s nothing to “fix” per se, i just wish things went differently

25: In the past week, have you cried? yes

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? red

27: Do people ever call you by your last name? my aunt often does, weirdly enough

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? only every single one of the 4 people i’ve messaged on tinder recently. which makes me feel really great

29: Do you have a best friend? there’s someone i could perhaps call my best friend but i don’t think i have a “true” best friend at the moment like those i’ve had before

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? no i’m completely neutral towards her

31: Who was your last call from? my friend tried to call me yesterday but i couldn’t answer

32: Are you mad at anyone? no

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? marginally, yes

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? honestly i don’t know?? i don’t remember when she was born exactly but i feel like we were born in the same year at least, so i’m guessing either 21 or 22

35: How many more days until your birthday? 329

36: Do you have any summer plans yet? summer literally just ended so no

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? not exactly a fan of the word opposite in this context but i get what you mean. so yeah, most of my friends are of the “opposite” sex

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? nothing that would be their business to know

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? i guess i do.

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? i haven’t kissed nearly enough people for there to be any regrets. soo... would you like to be my first regret? haha just kidding... unless...

41: Do you think age matters in relationships? not going to write the essay that the wording of this question warrants but basically yes but only to some extent; what’s more important is that you’re in a similar phase in life and have similar expectations about the relationship. age can be a large factor in those things as well as your “maturity” but it isn’t the only factor.

42: Are you available? yeah bitch hmu

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? two

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? well i guess it’d have to be a septum, then

45: Do you believe exes can be friends? yes, in fact that’s my life philosophy

46: Do you regret anything? :)) i don’t think about it as much as i used to but i’ve never fully forgiven myself for confessing my feelings to someone who wasn’t interested in me. this is known as the february 2019 incident

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? tiddies

48: Did you ever lose a best friend? yeah, not to death but to life

49: Was your last kiss a mistake? no

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? i don’t quite like anyone at the moment and it’s gonna take a long time until i’m ever going to have the courage to make a move on anyone i’m interested in because of the aforementioned incident

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? no

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? no, like there’s nothing negative between us and we’d say hello if we met on the street but we just don’t talk 

53: What was the last thing you ate? pancake:)

54: Did you get any compliments today? haven’t really interacted with anyone today so no

55: Where are you going on your next vacation? bich this is my vacation, i’m going nowhere except to bed

56: Do you own anything from other countries? yes. like i’m a bit amused by this question like where on this planet can you even live where at least some of your stuff hasn’t been made in China etc. (well, i guess that would be China). but even if you’re referring to souvenirs from trips etc, still yes

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? girls

58: Where have you lived most of your life? in Oulu, Finland

59: When was the last time you took a long drive? a few months ago, but i wasn’t the one driving

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? yes, also known as the game where my friends try to find out who i have a crush on

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? i had to google what TPing means and i’m more and more scared of americans every day

62: Who do you text the most? honestly my social life is at a point where my most common recurring interaction is exchanging cat videos with my mum (apart from group chats)

63: What was the last movie you saw? the matrix

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? yeah as if i have one

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2010? 2010?? damn i was literally 10

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? we were around the same age

67: Do you curse around your parents? for comedic effect

68: Are you happy with where you live? not my dream apartment but it’s okay

69: Do you collect anything? my tiktok seems to have become a collection of about 250 cute lgbt folks, but other than that, no

70: What’s your favourite colour? a kind of deep, ultramarine blue

71: Does the last song you listened to remind you of anyone? not in particular

72: Has anyone ever cheated on you? no

73: What are your plans for tomorrow? make some music

74: Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one? i don’t have any

75: Does your last ex have a job? not that i know of

76: What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? she is and i’m happy for her, or as happy as i can be while being painfully aware of the fact that my love life hasn’t gone anywhere in the past two years

77: Where is your cellphone? on the floor, charging

78: What colour is your cellphone? black and bronze

79: What did you dream of last night? it was something fairly nsfw and extremely hot and i lterally had to pause for a second when i woke up because damn it’s been so fucking long since i’ve experienced that irl and it left me with a bad case of yearning

80: Are you atheist? yes

81: Will you change your name when you get married? no

82: Are you ready for autumn weather? would be a bit too late if i wasn’t

83: Have you had any big storms recently? there was one that was rumoured to be really big but tbh i barely noticed it 

84: What kind of bottoms are you wearing? just my comfy pajamas

[perspicacious-dragon-of-welkin]

About Me

tagged by @bigdreamsandwildthings

how tall are you? 5′9″

what color and style is your hair?

Brown. If it’s in the sun it looks lighter and if it’s wet it looks pretty dark. Honestly not sure what I’m doing with my hair nowadays - it started out styled but now it just kinda does it’s thing. Think messy pompadour and you’re pretty close. 

what colour are your eyes?

Hazel.

do you wear glasses?

Nope :)

do you wear braces?

Haven’t in YEARS

whats your fashion sense?

My standard is jeans, t-shirt, and a flannel with the sleeves rolled up to just below the elbow. Usually wearing some kind of leather boot.

full name?

Ah, you can just call me Michael. :)

where were you born?

Nearest-tiny-little-town-that-had-a-hospital, SK, Canada.

where are you from and where do you live now?

Born in Northern Sask., moved south when I was young, moved for School a little over 3 years ago.

what school do you go to?

Working through two undergrad degrees and a certificate at Usask. 

what kind of student are you?

Well I was a straight 90s kid in High school, like not top student, but if they had a bad test, I’d give them a run for their money. I brought that kinda thinking with me to uni, studied hard, probably more organized than you would think. I successfully tackled some of the most difficult course loads around, did not have fun doing it, and more recently I’ve lightened my load and I am just doing my best not to burn out before I complete my undergrad(s). 

do you like school?

I enjoy the people, my classmates. Some of my Professors are amazing. The stuff we learn can be pretty cool, but even in Engineering, there’s not as much practical stuff for us to do as I used to think. Definitely not the biggest fan of the stress, but that might just be a me-problem. Lately I’ve been doing my best to find a balance between what I like to do and what I need to do, without feeling guilty over not having my schoolwork done first and sometimes not quite up to the standard I used to hold myself to, while still completing everything to a satisfactory standard of quality.

favorite subject?

Contrary to what might be suspected from the two degrees I am pursuing, I have really been enjoying my Rhetorical Communications classes. I’ve always felt that there’s so much more going on in my head than I’ve ever been able to effectively communicate, and my soul has really found enjoyment in learning more about how messages can be formed and deciphered, the things in a message that people tend to listen to, and the things people don’t, and ways to present information in such a way that the people you are talking to are most likely to understand and accept it.  

favorite tv shows?

Oh, boy. I always just blank on these questions. I’ll just tune @bigdreamsandwildthings ‘s list to things I’ve watched: Supernatural, The Witcher, Stranger Things... I’m sure I watch more than just things with monsters in them I swear, I just can’t think of any. I don’t watch much for tv.

favorite movies?

Oh, goodness, this is going to be worse than the last one. Star Wars (any and all of them) for sure. Gotta love Star Wars. umm.. so many others I enjoy, but one that’s been on my mind a lot recently is Dead Poet Society (1989). Brilliant movie. 10/10 would recommend.

favorite book?

As with anyone who really loves to read there are really too many to choose from. I will mention though my default answer if I must choose: Speaker For The Dead by Orson Scott Card. I’m not the biggest fan of the author himself, but he writes well, and this book really changed the way I looked at the world and my thoughts on death and how the living carry on after a loss. I swear the book isn’t actually all sad and about death, it’s actually a pretty good sci-fi novel.

favorite past time?

Reading of course! I just wish I had more time for it. As my student life dictates, the vast majority of my time is still spent of classwork, and thereby nearly all my pastimes are accurately described as “study-breaks” so I should mention that I like getting out and being active as much as I can after sitting behind a desk for altogether too many hours at a time. Recreational soccer and the university rock-climbing wall are always a good time. :)  Further, collecting quotes and other pieces of wisdom in my notebooks always soothes my soul. I also thought I’d feed some stereotypes and try to teach myself acoustic guitar. Can’t say I’m very good at it, but I find enjoyment there some nights. 

do you have regrets?

Oh, I’m sure I do. However for a number of years now I’ve run a witchhunt in through my conscience for any regrets that linger and have sought (to the best of my ability) to accept them. All that has happened to me in the past and all the choices I have made have led me to be the person I am today in the place that I am. Sure things could always be better, but they could also be worse, and if I am to find happiness with my lot in life, here, today, I think I’ll need to live with all that has happened in my past. Accept it as it is, learn from it if it didn’t go as planned, but know that it is a part of me now and should be loved for what it made me or taught me. That’s the dream anyway.

whats your dream job?

This is my most pondered question in my life right now. I’m not entirely sure what I want. I don’t want to be shut away in an office doing technical work. I don’t want to lose my life to travelling for work to stay in the field...

I want to wake up in the morning, go to work and know that what I do will solve problems for people, either now or in the future. I want to be able to come home at the end of the day and have a life outside of work that I enjoy too, and I don’t want to have to worry about the limitations of money.

Probably the most generic dream the be put into words, but none-the-less it is true. 

would you like to be married?

yes. I want it to be the right person. I would like it to be a a nice time. But I want a family I know will always be there.

do you want kids?

Yes. I’m a little young for that right now i think. My career needs to progress a lot further before I’ll be able to support them, but I would love nothing more than to have a family of my own children.

how many?

I have yet to hear of a single-child that wasn’t either spoiled, or hard to work disproportionately hard for the same care and love as other children. I think two or three children would be perfect. enough to live, to grow up together, and to bond yet not so many that they would be lost in each other as I fear may happen in a larger family. I’m sure it all depends on the parenting, but I think 2-3 would be best for me.

do you like shopping?

Shopping isn’t bad. Only if I have something I’m willing to spend that day though. If I don’t have the means to purchase, I don’t wish to find more things to desire.

what countries have you visited?

I live in Canada, and despite my efforts through the years, I’ve made only two excursions from my home country to parts of the U.S. Someday I wish to travel more. They tell me not to wait, but I have business to complete here before I can feel comfortable starting a new adventure.

scariest nightmare you ever had?

I stand in a field. I’m in the prairies. Wind moves the grains and grasses in waves past me, pushing me back. The sky is dark, but the clouds have gone. the stars aren’t visible. Pale orange and violet light seeps through the cracks of the horizon to either side, and higher into the sky behind me. Before me is a disk of titanic proportions. It blots out the sky. It covers the horizon for nearly all around. I know deep in my bones it will cover all of my visible horizon when it falls. And it does fall. It crashes down slowly. starting before me, and while it seems small, the ground and dust that emerge from the impact on the horizon, I know, are larger than cities. I turn and run as it continues to fall, leaning towards me. I hop an old derelict barbed wire fence used to keep the cattle in. I cross the gravel road and continue into the field on the other side. I spare a look over my shoulder to see the disk coming down, faster now. There is no running from it. No escape. I turn and clasp my hands in front of me, fingers intertwined. I lift my face to what should have been a clear night sky. I close my eyes. I empty my mind and search for peace, accepting my fate. The last thing I remember is the sound and pulse of the wind as animals and people alike rush past, searching for escape from the inevitable. Funny, I didn’t even notice them before. Sad, it seems, that they must perish with me. It would have been better if I were alone.

any enemies?

None that I know of.

self doubt?

All too much. Always something to work on. Perhaps though as in the endless cycle of Sisyphus.  

any significant other?

Nope.

do you believe in miracles?

I think wonderful things happen all the time. So do terrible things. Ought we to call the good things miracles?

how are you?

I’ve been better, but I’ve been worse. Vacation is ending, and there is work to do before classes resume. But that still mean I’m currently on vacation regardless of how much of that time is mine to use, and that’s gotta be something, right?

tag ten tumblrs: (tagging the last ten people in my notifications) @martemisss, @wholeheartedsuggestions, @void-of-erebos, @namelesspiritwolf, @garden-variety-genius, @odrantheseeker, @eragonpaolini, @teaboot, @teacoffeebooks

[walkingshcdow-a]

MASHAP + 11

((The prompt said “A Short Drabble”. 12 Pages Later...))

London, England: 10 years ago

“I’ll tell you a secret.”

The blonde woman is young - not much younger than he is, actually, but she has wide green eyes and Eric is sure she was carded multiple times tonight. They’ve been sitting together in a corner booth, swapping stories, punctuated by the kind of soul-deep, drunken make-outs you think uni has promised for you. Eric is twenty-six and well out of university. He wonders if this girl is. Masha. He likes the way her eyes glitter with warmth and mischief and he really likes her accent, which is warm and vaguely foreign. Sometimes tonight, like now, it starts to slip and he hears Eastern European. He has all kinds of opinions about that, but now isn’t the time for them. He still wonders from which country they hail and if Masha can tell he’ll be finishing up training as a field agent in six weeks. He thinks, drunkenly, that he wouldn’t mind having her hold a gun to his throat if it means she’ll drop the British veneer from that accent she’s trying so hard to hide.

“Go on, then,” he says, roving a hand across her tights. He’s just drunk enough to wish she wasn’t wearing them.

“It’s not my birthday,” she tells him. She takes the garish, pink pin off her dress, and drops it onto the table. 

Masha grins at the blond man and the flush of confusion on his face. She can guess what he’s thinking: that she wore it to trick handsome things like him out of a couple of pounds or into bed. Maybe he isn’t entirely wrong and maybe she should feel guilty for it. Instead, she snakes a hand down his chest, playing with the top button of his shirt. He’s sweet and funny in that trying-too-hard-to-be-funny way she’s always found endearing. If she wasn’t leaving in the morning, maybe she’d write her number on his hand or a bar napkin and hope he’d call, even though the odds he would are slim. Why would he call her after they’ve spent an hour talking and probably about another hour making out? Even if they slept together, why would he want to see her again? He knows nothing about her - not really - and she knows less about him. There’s no way he was serious when he said he studied medicine at Oxford. He probably only said it because she told him she was a nurse and he wants to impress her. She thinks, drunkenly, that she’d be impressed to know what he’s like relaxed and at her mercy, if his smile would seem more real.  She sighs at the “It’s My Birthday” pin Ruslan clipped to her dress while the two of them and Gleb pre-gamed at the boys’ flat. 

“I ship out tomorrow,” she says. “Doctors Without Borders. My friends thought it’d be a good way to spend my last night in London.”

Eric looks beyond her. Her friends have worried him all night - two muscle-bound brunets who have been going shot-for-shot with vodka all night. They don’t look over here often, but when they do, Eric imagines one or both of them is ready to kill him if he does the wrong thing. Masha follows his gaze and waves at her friends. She knows that look on Gleb’s face well - That one? Really, Masha? - and she knows if he was over here, they’d be fighting about how she doesn’t judge him for the fact he won’t ask the pretty girl from his work out, so he should keep his own judgments about who she makes out with in bars to himself.

“Blimey.” Eric looks at the birthday button. “Where are you going?”

She says something and he doesn’t really hear over the music. She smiles a little wistfully for a moment, but then her hands slide down his taut abdomen and she straddles his lap.

“-The way I see it,” she whispers, lips brushing his ear. “Is that I want to make my last night in London really count.”

“Wouldn’t you rather…” His breath hitches. “... make it count with your friends?”

“They’ve been throwing me going away parties all week,” Masha said with a laugh. The tip of her tongue flicks against the outer shell of Eric’s ear and he shivers beneath her. “I want to make it count with you.”

They’re too drunk to do more than make out in the corner booth. In the morning, he sleeps alone in his bed and she applies a tender layer of concealer to a mouth-shaped bruise on her collar bone before calling a taxi to take her to Heathrow. 

Caracas, Venezuela: 9 years ago

The Simon Bolivar International Airport thrums with life and malcontent as the storm outside has canceled yet another round of flights. Masha, whose flight was canceled two hours ago, sits in one of the airport bars. The vodka here is disgusting, so she’s spent the last year drinking rum like a local. Her mouth has grown tired of the sweetness. She’s grown tired of Venezuela. It isn’t what they promised her in the brochure. Socio-political unrest has violently punctuated her tenure with Doctors Without Borders. She reads the paper, tries to understand what’s going on, but from everything she’s gathered it is this: the West comes in and puts someone in power that suits them, but not the people. It makes her reexamine what she’s doing - what any of them are doing - traveling with Doctors Without Borders. It makes her feel like even giving vaccinations to children in need makes her a puppet for colonialism. She thinks she will resign when she returns to the UK. Join a regular practice. Become a nurse practitioner. Open her own place in ten years. It’s attractive. 

But she gets letters from Gleb, who is in Moscow, and hears how happy he is being anywhere but London. And she gets letters from Ruslan, who is still full of optimism that his military career isn’t just another decrepit arm of the former British empire. And she wants to feel what they do. She does. She does. When she gives a kid a bandaid and a smile, when she runs an ultrasound for a new mother-to-be, when she can confidently tell a family their grandfather’s cancer is in remission, she knows that she’s doing the right thing. A good thing. Even when she has to bear bad news, she supposes the knowing is better than wondering and worrying and watching those last moments of a loved one’s life be painful. That doesn’t make her feel better every time, but as she drinks in a foreign airport with no idea when she’ll go home, it brings her some amount of comfort that she’s doing her best to do good in the world and that maybe the next assignment won’t be so hard. Maybe it’s just this first one.

She’s two drinks in when someone slides into the barstool beside her. She looks at him and he looks familiar. He reminds her of a boy - well, not really a boy, a man - she met once in London. He has the same, laughing blue eyes as he orders a coffee, hot and strong as if he’s flirting with the waitress. Maybe he is. It’s none of her business. She really ought to stop staring.

“Well, hello, there, birthday girl,” he says, turning to look at her, grinning as if he recognizes her. “Small world, isn’t it?”

For a moment she thinks it can’t be. But then she grins and can’t believe he remembers that stupid button she’d been wearing when they met in London. She wonders if he remembers her name. She remembers his.

“Eric!” she says. She sets her drink aside. “Small world, indeed! What brings you to Venezuela?”

“Oh, you know,” he says. “Wanted to do a bit of traveling. Spent the summer fixing jetskis.” 

“Mr. I Studied Medicine At Oxford came all the way to Venezuela to fix jetskis,” she teases. “You’ve been here all summer?”

“Oh yeah,” he says. “Been traveling around with a group of volunteers from Hungary. It’s been a wild summer.”

“Sounds it,” Masha says. 

She isn’t sure if she believes him, but it’s a wild lie to make up for a girl you made out with once a year ago. She studies Eric’s face. He’s certainly suntanned, but in the light of day, he looks older than she remembered him being when they met. More tired. Surely fixing jetskis doesn’t make a man the kind of exhausted she feels, unless Eric, too, has been ruminating on whether any good they do for a complicated regime is actually good. 

“What about you? Are you still doing Doctors Without Borders?” he asks. The waitress brings his coffee, and he thanks her. When she turns her back, he tips something from a flask into the coffee. “You were all set to save the world last time I saw you.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Masha mumbles. She shakes her head and pulls her drink closer. “But, yes, for now, I am still with Doctors Without Borders.”

“Good for you,” Eric said. “I know it can’t be easy. Especially to have a country like Venezuela as your first assignment…”

“Says the man, fixing sporting equipment for the bourgeoisie.” 

Eric laughs and it sounds a little hollow. Masha wants to care that she’s made a conversational faux-pas, but she doesn’t. He deserves to feel uncomfortable if he’s been watching tensions rise from the other side of the socioeconomic scale. It occurs to her again how ridiculous it sounds when he says he’s been fixing jetskis as if he couldn’t do that along the English Channel back home. Maybe they aren’t so different - craving adventure, longing to do good and ending up wistful no matter what. Maybe she’s a little drunk. 

“It’s good to see you,” she says to break the tension. “Are you flying back to London?”

“By way of Paris, yes,” he says. “And you?”

“The same. We’re probably on the same, canceled flight.”

He laughs a little more naturally. 

“It’s good to see you, too, Masha,” he says. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

“Like you said, it’s a small world.”

“How long will you be in London for?” he asks. “Before your next assignment?”

“If there is a next one,” Masha sighs. “I don’t know. A few weeks. You?”

“Oh, only about a week or two,” he says. “Maybe I’ll see more of you in London?”

“Are you asking me out?” Masha asks, cocking her head. 

“Well, I mean-” He takes a big swig of his coffee. “Only if you’d like-

“Why don’t we give it a trial run here?” she asks. “Have a date in the airport?”

“We could be stuck here for hours or days-”

“So let’s make the most of it,” Masha says. “Finish our drinks and go on a date at all the weird airport shops, have dinner at the food court.”

They drink some more and they talk and they go on a date to a sunglasses shop, a place that sells knick-knacks, and a very out-of-place Hard Rock Cafe. They make out in the terminal and whisper secrets and outrageous stories to each other beneath a giant window with a view of the lightning-streaked sky. When the airline offers hotel vouchers, they agree to take one for the night and swear they’ll date when they reach London, even if it’s only for a week. But morning comes and Eric’s friend, Strahil, is offering him a private flight to Budapest in a helicopter and Masha tells him to take it if it means he’ll get home sooner. When she finally gets a flight into London by way of Paris the next day, she doesn’t want to date Eric for a week or two, anyway.

Marrakech, Morocco: Seven Years Ago

Masha doesn’t mind working a side-gig for a little extra cash. Marrakech is fantastic in some ways - she gets to meet amazing people and work with geniuses and help people and she feels rejuvenated in the desert sun, but she feels judged as she walks the streets - a single woman, an independent woman, a Western woman - and often finds herself wrapping her hair in a headscarf to avoid stares and whispers in the marketplace. It’s only in these little ex-pat communities that she is free from local scrutiny and she knows she can get away with having a second job here because no one here knows she’s supposed to be working a nursing shift in the morning. So she sings jazz standards on stage, husky-voiced and sultry, while patrons from England and America and France drink and half-listen and enjoy themselves. She thinks about leaving nursing to be a performer sometimes. She isn’t half-bad. But she wouldn’t make it back home. She’s smart enough to know that this money - every last penny she earns - will go towards her nurse practitioner degree. 

She sings a little Leonard Cohen and goes on break. 

“Of all the gin joints in all the world…” a familiar voice says as a hand rests on her lower back and a glass of vodka appears before her in the bar.

“That’s Casablanca, Eric,” she says. “This is Marrakech.”

“But it’s still such a good line,” he says. 

Masha picks up her drink. He smells faintly boozy, like he’s been here a while. She wonders how long and if he’s been watching her perform. 

“So you gave up Doctors Without Borders,” he says. “And now you’re a lounge singer. Is there anything you can’t do?”

“I can’t understand how I can travel thousands of miles across the globe and run into you, but how we can both be based out of London and I never see you.”

“Masha, I’m sorry-”

“I’m not mad, Eric,” she says. “It’s just odd. You aren’t tailing me, are you?”

“For all I know, you could be tailing me,” he says. “I’ve been in North Africa since last year. When’d you start singing here?”

Masha takes a sip of vodka.

“My supervisor doesn’t know,” she says. “I’m trying to make some extra cash. Seeing the world is great and all, but…”

“But?”

“Don’t you have aspirations?” she asks him. “Things you want for the future?”

“Sure,” he says. 

He doesn’t elaborate. Masha sighs. She hates playing chicken with him, but this is how a lot of their conversations feel and have felt over the years. They’ve crossed paths a few times since Venezuela. Every time, it’s like this. She drains her glass and asks the bartender for another. 

“What do you want me to say?” Eric asks. “Tell me, Masha, and I’ll say it.”

“I want you to say something true for once,” she says. She clutches her new glass of vodka tightly. She can feel the ice cubes melting from her touch. “Anything true.”

“You sang like an angel tonight.”

She scoffs.

“I’ve been coming for the last three weeks to hear you sing and I’ve been trying to get up the courage to talk to you again.”

“Oh, please, I’m not the scariest thing you’ve seen and we both know it,” Masha says. “We both know you’ve probably stared down the barrel of a gun a hundred times-”

“That’s not funny.”

“I’m not trying to be,” Masha says. “Eric, why are you in Marrakech?”

“I’m on holiday,” he says. 

She looks unimpressed. 

“I was working security detail for the British Museum,” he says and even though it sounds wild, Masha thinks this is as close to the truth as she’ll get from him. “They’re negotiating the movement of some very old, very expensive artifacts in Cairo. It’s been a tense situation and so now that it’s over, I’m on vacation.”

“In Marrakech?”

“In Marrakech.”

“Why?” Masha asks. “Why not, I don’t know, Casablanca because you love it so much?”

“Well, you’re not in Casablanca.” 

Eric turns pink and starts to drink his beer quickly. 

“How would you know that?” 

“I asked around. Some people owed me some favors.”

“Eric…” Her voice breaks. “You really shouldn’t-”

“If you don’t want to see me, I’ll go,” he says. “But I wanted to see you before my next work trip.”

“Where are you going?”

“I can’t say,” he says softly. “But I didn’t want to go without seeing you one more time.”

“When do you go?”

“Next week.”

Masha wraps a hand around Eric’s. For the first time since she’s known him, he sounds scared. She sets down her glass and runs her cool hand down his cheek.

“I have to sing another set in fifteen minutes. Then I’m done for the night. Will you wait for me?”

“I’m here all week,” Eric jokes. Masha, buzzed, lifts up on her tiptoes and presses her lips to his. 

“When you come back,” she whispers, “from wherever your work sends you, write to my sister for my location instead. Don’t waste your favors on me.”

“You’re never a waste.”

So she kisses him some more during those fifteen minutes, reapplies her lipstick, and when she sings a few jazz standards about having her lover near, she feels it and watches him across the bar, eager to spend a week wrapped up in his arms, even if a little part of her knows it may be the last time.

Yekaterinburg, Russia: Four Years Ago

Masha presses close to Eric as they sit on her grandmother’s ancient sofa. Her family buzzes around them. Cousins she hasn’t seen in a decade ask over and over if Eric is her boyfriend and Masha, hoping he doesn’t speak Russian, tells them he is because she doesn’t want them to wonder why she’s brought this random Englishman to her grandfather’s funeral. She doesn’t want to explain to them that the man she has brought with her is a British intelligence agent, with whom she has been having an on-and-off affair for six years, and just happened to run into in town mere hours before. Somehow, she doesn’t think that will go over well with her family, who has been scattered during and after the Cold War. It’s strange to see them all together again after so long and she doesn’t think she’d survive a minute of it if it wasn’t for Eric. She wishes she could say that her grandfather would have loved him, but…

“Does it scandalize you to know my grandfather was a communist?” she murmurs against Eric’s jawline. “And a good man, to boot?”

“Politics is complicated,” Eric sighs. He strokes her hair. “But if he was your grandfather, I’m  sure he was a wonderful man.”

Masha hums softly. She doesn’t tell him that her mother’s family used to hate her father or that she’d spent her teenage years idealizing and idolizing the man they’d buried today to spite her parents, only to realize that she really did believe strongly in workers’ rights and socialized medicine. Like Eric said: politics is hard. She doesn’t want to complicate their relationship. It’s already complex enough. She only sees him once a year or so and they both move so much that even then, they only see each other for a few weeks at a time, if they’re lucky. Her cousin Nicky brings them each another glass of vodka and tells them to drink. He’s been living in Glasgow for school and so, besides Masha’s siblings and parents, is one of the only ones who talk to Eric in English. He urges him to come drink with the men for a bit and pulls Eric away from Masha. Masha joins her mother and aunts and female cousins in the kitchen. For a while, she is content to watch them descend upon her sister-in-law’s new baby. Little Arkady is subjected to all the cooing from older women, threatening to gobble him up and giving his mother advice. Masha watches and her heart hurts so bad she drinks another glass and a half of vodka without being noticed. She once asked Eric if he had dreams - back in Marrakech, she thinks, or maybe Venezuela, she doesn’t remember any more. It may have been one of the nights when they weren’t drinking, but instead making love against the backdrop of a thousand stars or grabbing a quick lunch in London when they both happened to be home. He never said what his dreams were. Once, when he asked her - maybe that same time, maybe a different one, it all runs together - she said she dreamt of getting her nurse practitioner’s license and didn’t say more because the sad truth, she realizes, is that she dreams of a world where she and Eric met before she’d joined Doctors Without Borders and before he’d taken whatever dubious government job he had and that they’d lived an ordinary life with ordinary careers, made extraordinary only by the fact that she loves him and he loves her. If they had done that, God, how many children would they have now? What would their house look like? How many of their furtive reunions would have been family vacations and second honeymoons?  She’s about to finish her second glass when her aunt says, “Mashka will be next. Won’t you? You and your charming Brit?” 

“Oh, it’ll be nice to have the family together for a wedding for a change!” her sister-in-law says. “It’s been a few years…”

Masha drains her glass and fills it again. 

“What does he do?” her aunt asks. “Can he provide for you?”

“I can provide for myself,” Masha says sharply. She feels sick. She shouldn’t have subjected Eric to this. She shouldn’t have subjected herself to it. She just knew that tonight, it would feel good to escape to his hotel and sleep in his arms, once her grief was drowned by alcohol, and to imagine - imagine- “Excuse me.”

She stumbles from the room with her glass and pours herself another. The bottle suddenly stabilizes and she looks to see Eric steadying it for her.

“Your family is wonderful,” he says. “Nicky and Ivan taught me how to play Bear Paw. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be fun or if it’s only meant to get you really, really drunk…”

Masha laughs a little weakly. 

“I had to leave the game, though,” he says, “because being here, with you, and your family, surrounded by all this love and friendship and community… Well, it makes a man think about what he wants to do with the rest of his life.”

Masha feels dizzy. She usually holds her liquor better than this. She looks at Eric and even though, moments ago, she wished they could have been a normal couple, she isn’t sure she wants him to propose to her here and now, while her entire family is present. 

“What are you saying?” 

“Masha, I finally know what I want and I’m going to go for it,” he says. “Life’s too short not to go after the things you want.”

“Eric, are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more certain of anything,” he says. “Masha, I’m going to open a funeral parlor.”

“I’m sorry… what?”

“You asked me a few years ago what I wanted most out of life, what my dreams for the future are and at the time, I didn’t know. But after spending this week with your family, seeing everyone really come together, I know that I want to give others the gift of comfort and community I’ve seen within your family. It will take a year - year and a half tops - to get my license and then I’ll open a practice. I’m thinking of calling it “Chapman’s”. What do you think?”

“I’m happy for you Eric,” Masha says. She drained her glass of vodka in one, burning gulp. “Really, I am… You’d be an amazing funeral director…”

Eric steadies her as she sways in her heels and he leads her to the sofa. 

“Really?” he asks. “I’m glad you think so. I really care about what you think of the whole thing.”

Then Masha bursts into tears. Eric wraps an arm around her and strokes her hair. 

“I know, you’re grieving, I should have waited to tell you,” he murmurs. “I dunno why it couldn’t have waited. I’m so sorry Masha, for your loss, for… everything…”

“If you open a funeral parlor, will I ever see you again?” she asks through her broken sobs.

“Oh. Oh. Right. Yes, I mean, I’ll be setting up a permanent base. Though I’m thinking I’ll want someplace quieter than London. What do you think about Salisbury?”

“Salisbury?”

“No, you’re right. Too touristy.” Eric hummed softly in thought. “I’ll get you the address though, wherever it is, so when you’re not saving the world, maybe you can come by for a visit.”

“Visit?”

“Only if you want. I know it isn’t as exciting as making love in the Cambodian rainforest. I’ll miss that bit of all this - you, me, exotic locales, never knowing when we’ll see each other again…”

“Ya lyublyu tebya, ty svoloch’!” she shouts, pushing him off of her. As she slips back into her native Russian words start to fall out of her mouth. “I’ve always loved you and I thought that’s what you were going to tell me but instead you’re opening up a funeral parlor? Are you crazy? You just expect me to be happy for you, when I was hoping you’d just tell me you loved me and I could tell you I loved you and maybe we’d both give up this life and-”

“Hang on, I heard ‘bastard’, ‘crazy’, ‘happy’... That’s all I’ve got. Could you slow down a bit? What’s that word you keep repeating? Lyublyu? Did I say that right?” 

A few pairs of eyes are on them now as cousins and other relatives pop their heads into the living room. With everyone staring, Masha can’t yell at Eric the way she wants and as her grasp of English weakens she can’t talk to him like a rational adult. All she can do was straddle his lap and kiss him hard and put up with her family muttering about how she’s never been “a good Russian girl” anyway. 

This Week: Piffling Vale, England

“I would have married you in Yekaterinburg,” Masha says. 

It’s the middle of the afternoon and she and her husband are wine-wasted on a Sunday. Sunlight streams through the window and she looks up at their intertwined hands. She likes the way his wedding band looks - that it lets everybody on the whole, bloody planet know that Eric Chapman is finally spoken for.

“No, you wouldn’t have,” he says. He buries his face in her hair. “I was a mess. I was about to leave MI-6 and just… you didn’t even know…”

“I knew,” Masha tells him. “I’ve known since Marrakech. Maybe Paris.”

“Which time was Paris?”

“We were sober,” she says. “You took a telephone call while you thought I was asleep.”

“Oh.” A pause. “Why the hell would you have married me back then? I couldn’t have given you…”

He gestures vaguely to indicate the house. 

“I didn’t want-” Masha gestures. “I wanted you. Still do.”

“You’re drunk,” Eric says, laughing. 

Masha rolls on top of him. 

“Maybe,” she says, “but you decided to build all of this after a game of Bear Paw with my cousins. I think I can tell my husband I love him after sharing a bottle of wine with him.”

“Oh, we were sharing?” he teases. “Are you sure that wasn’t your bottle of wine?”

She laughs and the warm sound washes over him. He reaches up and strokes her hair. She kisses his palm. 

“Is this how you envisioned our lives back then?” she asks. “Be honest.”

“I’m always honest for you,” he tells her. She scoffs and he rolls her over on the mattress. “It isn’t. This was a surprise. A gift. I didn’t know you wanted to marry me.”

She trails her hands down his chest and plays with the buttons of his shirt. She works them open and kisses his skin. 

“I would have married you any time in the last seven years,” she tells him. “We have a lot of lost time to make up for.”

“Oh?”

“Mmm.” She hooks her legs around his waist. “How would you feel about making Chapman’s a family business?”

“Much better if you asked me that sober,” he teases, still groaning at the roll of her hips against his. “You will ask me again when you’re sober?”

Masha laughs. 

“I promise.”

She looks up at Eric and thinks he looks soft and vulnerable for the first time since they were young and dumb and making out in a bar in London and she thinks ‘This is the man I’ve always been in love with’ with a fond smile before arching up to kiss him for the millionth time. When the telephone rings a few hours later and Eric rushes off to collect a body for work, Masha watches him dress fastidiously and race out the door, certain and grateful now that she will see him again and soon.

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

Chapter Nine of Can’t Find My Way Home is posted! Read the whole fic at Ao3!

Chapter Nine

Baz

I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to be in a cramped economy seat. I’m reveling in it. I’m basking in the notion that Simon had us moved because he wanted us to be closer to one another.

Which we are. He pushed the armrest up out of the way almost as soon as he was seated. He’s leaning up against me, the warmth of his body soaking into mine, his head resting on my shoulder.

I think he’s nuzzling my neck.

“’M glad you still smell like this.”

“What?” I keep saying that today. I’m almost sure I’ve tumbled into some alternate dimension where Simon actually craves my companionship and I’m incapable of articulate speech.

He nudges my shoulder, face still buried in my neck. “You smell the same. As you did at school. I always liked it.”

My heart thumps in my chest. I think it’s these small admissions, more than the kissing even, that make me concede this is real. I’d never have had the audacity to dream these up.

I’ve answered more than my fair share of questions today, most of them inadvertently. I have a few of my own for Simon. I’m not sure I’m as brave as he is about asking them though.

I rub circles on the back of his hand with my thumb. I like everything about this seating arrangement. The way his leg is pressed against mine, how he’s leaning into me, the way our fingers intertwine. Christ, did he just kiss me?

He’s trailing kisses just below my ear, in the middle of a crowded flight. My eyes dart over his head to look around, but no one is paying us any mind. It probably just looks like Simon’s passed out on my shoulder. I should . . . I don’t know what I should do.

I close my eyes and let my head tilt back. I’m should just let myself enjoy it, I think.

Simon

He tenses for a moment and I wonder if he’s going to pull away. But then Baz sighs ever so softly and lets his head fall back. I can’t help smiling against his skin as I feel the tension seep out of him.

This is more like it.

I let my lips skim down his neck, breathing in the scent of him, feeling the racing of his pulse against my mouth.

I wonder if this counts as distraction.

Baz

The arrival of the drink cart puts a stop to Simon’s exploration of that surprisingly sensitive spot behind my left ear.

Probably a good thing. I was ready to grab his face and snog him senseless. I’ve lost all sense of self-control when it comes to him. Too many years of pent-up longing.

Simon doesn’t let go of my hand when he lifts his head to give his order to the steward. I miss the solid weight of him on my shoulder instantly.

There are snacks, so his attention is instantly diverted to the little packet of Biscoff cookies the steward hands him. I don’t know how Simon does it but somehow he manages to get two for himself from the drink cart bloke. I narrow my eyes at the man, but he’s already moving down the aisle.

I can be as territorial as Simon, it seems.

“I love these.” He’s already torn into the first packet and a small shower of crumbs drifts over his shirt, the tray table and my arm. Simon crumples the empty packet and starts in on his second one. I watch, because I can now. His Adam’s apple bobs in that familiar way and I’m mesmerized by the sight of it.

I notice a crumb at the edge of Simon’s lip and I want to lick it off. Christ, I’m pathetic.

He turns to grin at me and it’s typical Simon—lopsided smile, food stuck in his teeth, that crumb precariously perched on his lip. I can’t help myself. I lean in and kiss him (just a brush of lips to his cheek) (I don’t want the remains of his biscuit in my mouth) (I don’t lick the crumb off) (I still want to).

He grins even more, and then his eyes settle on the lonely biscuit packet on my tray table. “You going to eat that?”

“You are incorrigible.”

“You like me anyway.” His face moves closer.

I most certainly do. I’ve been hopelessly in love with this idiot for almost a decade, and for the first time I don’t feel anything but elation at the thought.

A part of me is still frightfully mortified that he knows. But mostly I’m so fucking relieved at not having to conceal my regard for him anymore.

It was exhausting. Soul-crushing. Heart-breaking every single time I would think one thing in my head and then force myself to say an awful thing instead. Every time I would want to reach out to comfort him and make myself walk out of the room instead.

Simon squeezes my fingers. “It can’t take that much mental effort to decide if you want to share your biscuits with me.” He waggles his eyebrows in an utterly ludicrous fashion. He’s spent years trying to lift his brow at me and it always ends up looking ridiculous. I love it.

“Oh, fine, take them then, if you must, you insatiable muppet.”

He waggles his eyebrows again, but it looks far more suggestive this time. “I’ll share them with you.”

I’d share anything with him.

Simon

I don’t actually mean to eat all of Baz’s biscuits, but I do.

He just rolls his eyes at me. “Typical.” But there’s a smile on his face when he says it. I’m not used to Baz being all soft. I like it, don’t get me wrong. It’s just a bit jarring still. This Baz though, the one who’s sharp and soft, his edges blunted but still keen? I could . . . I could fall pretty hard for him.

I have fallen hard for him. I know it’s fast—forty-eight hours and then some—but when you’ve known someone for half your life, when their face, their mannerisms, their moods, are as familiar as your own? It’s less falling hard and more recognizing that I’ve been probably been into him for far longer than I care to admit.

Which brings me to the questions still lingering in my head. I’m thick enough that I only really came to terms with it the other day (probably in denial for far longer) (I just don’t like to think about things that perplex me).

Baz has known for a long time. I suppose I understand why he never said anything. I mean, I was dating Agatha. And I pretty much told everyone I hated him. Told him too.

He said it back, the wanker, even if he didn’t mean it. Maybe he did mean it. Maybe he hated me for hating him. I don’t know. I should just ask him.

How awkward would that be? No. I can’t really ask.

I want to.

I’m not going to ask.

So of course, I ask.

“Baz.”

“Yes?”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

He presses his lips together. He’s not even going to pretend he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. It’s this kind of behaviour that really throws me off. I know how to pester him, prod him, annoy the fuck out of him. But I’m a bit at a loss when he reads me so easily and follows my train of thought without even trying.

Baz sighs, closes his eyes and tilts his head back. “What would I have said, Simon? You were straight, last I knew, in love with the most beautiful girl at school, and you absolutely loathed me. Telling you would have served no purpose. You probably would have thrown me down the stairs.”

“I would not.”

“You say that now. I don’t know what you would have done, honestly, and I was too cowardly to risk finding out. It was easier to pine in private and aggravate you in public.”

I don’t really know what to say to that. Baz’s grey eyes are on me now and that crease is back on his forehead. The one I want to smooth away with my fingertips. Or my lips. Either. Both.

His fingers grip tightly to mine as his eyebrows draw even closer together. “When. . . how . . .” He stops, tilts his head back and groans. “I cannot believe I’m unable to string a single sentence together.” He mutters the words but I’m close enough to hear them.

I lean closer still, press my leg against his in solidarity. “What?”

“When the fuck did you stop being straight?”

Ah. I’d been expecting that. I’m not really sure of the answer myself.

It’s not something I actively thought about when I was at Watford. I mean, I thought about sex, of course, but not so much about my sexuality. I knew that things were ok with Agatha, that I loved her but not perhaps the way I’d always envisioned I should.

Intimacy felt awkward, forced. Not for lack of trying, but for lack of follow-through. Or passion, I suppose. It felt nice to cuddle, to kiss her, to have someone to hold. But neither of us ever pushed past that.

I missed that, when we broke up. I missed having someone to be with that way. Penny’s my best friend, and she’s a first-rate hugger, but it’s not the same.

I tried not to think about it at uni. Schoolwork doesn’t come as easily to me as it does to Penny. Or Baz. I needed to keep my focus on that. But I couldn’t help the fact that I was noticing people. Girls, yes.

But men too.

I mean, I’ve always had an appreciation for fit blokes, but I never really stopped to think through what that might mean. And then I found my gaze drawn to a bloke second year at uni. Fit. Tall. Darkhaired.

Yeah, he reminded me a bit of Baz. I can admit that now. Not as smart. Not as funny. But still enough to capture my attention.

Figured out kissing a guy’s not that different from kissing a girl. Fumbled around a bit. But nothing serious. Nothing long term. Not the time or inclination for that.

Baz is still staring at me and I realize I haven’t answered him. “Second year at uni, I think. I mean, I might have had an idea before then but I didn’t really think about it.”

There’s a tension that goes out of him with my words. “You didn’t know at Watford then?”

I shake my head. “Nah. Maybe that I had an inclination, but I didn’t let myself dwell.”

“Dwell? Dwell on what?”

On the way his fucking shampoo smelled. How he’d lift his jersey to wipe the sweat off his forehead on the football pitch. The way he looked so soft for those brief moments before he fully came awake in the morning.

The examples fill my mind. How the fuck did I not realize this years ago?

Fuck. I was such an idiot. You don’t have thoughts like that if you don’t fancy someone.

“On you, you wanker.” Baz’s eyes widen at my words. “On the way your hair would fall just so on your forehead.” I keep thinking of more. It’s like a dam of ideas has burst open in my brain.  An entire list of things about Baz that I find endlessly fascinating. “How fucking graceful you were on the pitch.” Fuck it all. “The scent of you.”

His lips quirk up at the corners. “You couldn’t have let me in on this back then? We’ve wasted quite a few years here.”

“Don’t remind me,” I snap. I’m not mad at him. I’m exasperated with myself. I’d tamped this all down, shut it away, until Ebb’s words had brought me up short.

“It’s alright.” Baz’s voice is soft. “You figured it out eventually, didn’t you?”

“That I did. Better late than never I suppose.”

Baz pulls me towards him and presses his forehead to mine. “Much better.”

Baz

I’d frozen for an instant, when Simon was speaking. I’d been paralyzed by the thought that he’d known when he was at Watford too. That I’d fucked it all up royally by being such a prick to him back then.

I did fuck it up by being a prick at school but it chilled me to consider he might have had feelings for me back then and I’d driven him off with my angst-ridden shitty coping mechanisms. Not that I’m letting myself off the hook for being a right arse all those years, but at least I didn’t break his heart.

I let him break mine.

But I don’t care. It’s worth the misery of those years to have this now. I wouldn’t have known how to cope if he’d returned my feelings then. I’d have fucked it up somehow, knowing me.

I came out eighth year, not because I really wanted to but because I needed to let Wellbelove know there was no chance of there ever being an “us.” I couldn’t lead her on like that. It wasn’t fair.

I wanted to let her down gently, to let her know that it was me, not her. Honesty was the kindest option. It was more considerate than humiliating her by shunning her affections publicly. She didn’t deserve that.

I can’t imagine how things might have been if Simon had made his realization earlier. I won’t. It’s pointless to go down the ‘what if’ rabbit hole. I’m eternally grateful for a second chance and mildly surprised I haven’t found a way to fuck it up yet.

I wrap my arm around Simon’s waist and lean against the window, pulling him so his body rests on my chest. He leans back into me, his head falling onto my shoulder again. It feels so natural to have him there. I kiss his bronze curls and breathe in the scent of him.

“I’ve never been so fucking grateful for shit weather.” I whisper the words into his hair. I can just glimpse the smile on his face. I rest my head on his and feel his body relax into mine.

I’m not sure which one of us falls asleep first.

[ghinanotlinetti]

23 lessons I learnt (and am still learning) at 23-years-old

On Thursday January 30th 2020, I turned 23-years-old. I’ve never been one to want to do something extravagant for my birthday, it’d be too much pressure for a single day. I do, however, like to reflect on my year and have a mental check-up on myself to see how things are going. It just so happens that my birthday is in the month of January, the first month of the year, so I keep all my new years reflections for my birthday. I find that I tend to press refresh on January because there tends to be a lot of clutter that I couldn’t clean out from December. This year was no exception; I was working all the way until December at my corporate job, then I left the country to visit my parents for the winter holidays so I had no time to pick up the pieces from that job and my life in the big city of Jakarta. I couldn’t extend my contract when I came back so had to let go of that job, which was both scary and a relief. Life after grad is very unexpected, I don’t think they prepare us enough to deal with the highs and lows. The week of my birthday was also the same the world received tragic news about the death of Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna Bryant. I’m not a basketball lover but I did know Kobe Bryant as this dorky geeky guy who was a huge Potterhead, he loved Game of Thrones and The Alchemist and was not ashamed of this side of him at all. I also started feeling ill, then I got the flu and am still recovering from a cough that’s making my diaphragm and back ache so much. On the other hand, I did get to spend this birthday week with my older sister who shares the same birthday as me. We haven’t celebrated our birthday together in years, it’s nice to be together again. In the spirit of me turning 23 this year, I thought I’d share some teachings and advice I’ve picked up along the way. Hopefully it can be applicable to all, especially if you’re just entering life after uni, so here we go!

1. You’ll never make it if you don’t face it.

So you might be familiar with the phrase “fake it till you make it” which might work for some people, but in the long run it might not be a realistic approach. Of course we all have dreams and want to achieve them, however not everyone is willing to work for their dream. If you’re one of those people like me who have no problem is working hard towards their goals, then you might struggle with the next thing I want to bring up which is: patience.

2. Be patient, be patient, be patient.

I was not that willing to wait for my dreams to come true as I was when it came to working for it. I definitely love working on my writing and the hustle felt rewarding to me, however I was impatient which is quite odd because I’m also young and have years ahead of me. Maybe it’s a millenial thing to be daunted by the what if’s but it’s so valid; what if I don’t make it until I’m 40 something, settled for stability and never took a chance on my passion? I find peace in accepting that I don’t have to know these things because I trust in the universe and I believe God always has a reason.

3. Believe in yourself, over and over and over again.

As someone who struggled with low self-esteem I thought all my insecurities would vanish the moment I felt confident. Instead it’s a whole process that can’t be done overnight. It takes weeks, months, years but if you’ve been able to believe in yourself before you can certainly do it again.

4. It’s okay to not have it all figured out.

Because everyone else around you doesn’t have it all figured out!

5. Generosity can get you far in life.

Helping others is the best way to network and form meaningful relationships at the same time! It’s not worth it to be alone in your hustle, because at some point you’ll need people for a plethora of reasons.

6. Collaboration > Competition

Realistically, you can only really be an expert in a few things, maybe one or two things and that’s completely okay. Because what this means is that there’s opportunities to collaborate and create with others great things.

7. Be kind to yourself.

In order to be kind to others one mustn’t ever forget to be kind to one’s self. Simple.

8. Lead with faith, not fear.

There have been so many times when I’ve done something out of fear and thought it was necessary, but then I felt so anxious I didn’t know what to do about it. I realise now that leading with faith makes me have less panic attacks; it’s not that I’m not scared at all but more so that I’m just calmer because I’ve accepted that I don’t need to have an existential crisis every time I make a decision. So, I’d go with faith.

9. Reclaim your narrative, and stay grounded.

There’s so many labels and stereotypes that I’ve have to deal with and never asked for simple because of who I am. It’s a lot of judgement from all sorts of people and communities (and I thought I was promised one day of judgement?), so I simply refuse to be defeated. I’ll rise above and reclaim my story which demands to be heard.

10. Everyone has talent and is smart, but not everyone is authentic, kind, reliable, etc.

I thought that in order to stand out I had to have a loud, big, and bold persona, which worked fine with other people but that just wasn’t me. On the flip side, I found that most people, be it employers or friends, would value qualities such as authenticity and reliability more than what you could bring to the table.

11. Become the things you want to become and you’ll stop desperately wanting it.

So for a really long time, I’ve always wanted to be a writer and I thought I’d have to wait for that to happen. But then I’ve always been writing, therefore I already am a writer. I think this can be applied to most passion projects and everyone deserves to take a chance on their passion project no matter how absurd or crazy it might be.

12. Just try whatever it is (an interview, application, class, etc.) and at the very least you’ll have one foot in the door.

I’ve got quite an active imagination; I tend to think a hundred steps ahead, mind-wandering in places I probably shouldn’t, so sometimes I won’t do things if I can’t commit 100%. Overthinking has become tiring for me and I want to make more choices out of faith. Most often than not there’s really no harm in trying, so just give it a go.

13. Don’t suffer in silence.

I suffer in silence in the past way too much. As a result I’ve distanced myself from really good friends of mine without any clear explanation. Can’t do that again because I value my friends and they deserve better.

14. Create the art that you would want to consume.

Be your own target audience. Most people don’t actually know what they want until it’s there in the market, so you’d be waiting a long time by asking other people what they want. Just start now.

15. Rest should never be compromised.

Often when I feel like giving up, I don’t actually mean it. Sure it’s frustrating but I don’t want to quit. I just need to rest. Please rest, and make sure to get the best quality of rest.

16. It’s okay to grow out of things and people too.

In the past I’d be needy for closure, but then it became tiring. Sometimes not getting an answer is the same as getting an answer. Let go.

17. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Yes, I think everyone has made excuses for their buddies, and I’m over it honestly. This one for me isn’t about my present circle of close friends, they’re lovely and I’m really lucky to have them. It’s more for people in my past, and it’s out-of-the-blue when it happens. I hate when it happens but then I can’t just pretend it never happened.

18. You matter, block out all the noise and have a moment to listen to your own voice.

If I ever feel lost or out of touch, I know it’s time to put just a little bit of distance from myself and the world for a little while. When I get to this point I’m usually investigating around my emotions, not investing myself in them, just observing patterns and signs and then find out what it means.

19. Unlearning and healing takes time, just make progress no matter how big or small.

So I’m in my twenties and I thought by this age I’d have everything figured out. Turns out I was very wrong. The amount of unlearning and relearning I had to do and am still doing... wow. But as long as it’s not a regression and a motion forwards, even if it’s just baby steps, it’s so worth it.

20. Life is just as much of a journey backwards as it is forwards.

As someone who’s always been spiritual, this is something that I find comfort in especially in times when I feel like I don’t know where I’m going. I’m a third-cultured kid, I’ve never had a home home for so long, and that’s fine. Nothing is a given, not even tomorrow. Life is about eventually returning to the Creator; it doesn’t matter how far you’ve come, what matters is what you make of this crazy beautiful dunya.

21. Close some of those tabs once in a while, it’ll be fine!

Ties into the next one which is:

22. Relax.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety for so long, my mind is somehow on panic mode by default, even when I’m meant to be off duty. Still trying to find that balance which works for me, between work, family, friends, mental health, leisure.

23. You’re not as special as you think you are, but on the bright side it means that you’re not alone! No more pity parties for one!

No more feeling sorry for myself because it’s disgusting! There’s so much out there to explore and discover for me, and that’s worth getting excited over. Here’s to more adventures, travelling, self-discovery, friendships, love, and everything in between!

[09yards]

9 - The Art of Truly Caring (days gone by - nct au)

Donghyuck learns more about himself and the meaning of having a soulmate–an idea he hadn't entertained before.

-> As always this is available on ao3 which I prefer to use for formatting, you can find that link here

Please don’t ever become a stranger who’s laugh I could recognise anywhere

"I think you know why I'm here."

It wasn't a question, there wasn't any doubt in his voice. He knew Donghyuck was well aware what his reasoning for being there was. Donghyuck wasn't stupid, nor was he.

“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. Where's the fun in me answering right off the bat, Johnny ?”

Donghyuck took in his slightly disheveled appearance, giving him another once over before speaking again. "You better come inside, your mum would murder me if he knew you'd been sat out here in the cold and wet waiting for me," Donghyuck sighed, "Lord knows I don't need that on my conscience, nor do I feel like getting killed in my sleep any time in the next week."

Donghyuck's house was usually pretty eerie, it was always too quiet, no sibling's screaming at each other from across the hall, no clanging of pots and pans in the kitchen or the echo of the TV. Wildly different from his own home.

"I'm sorry to just show up like this but I didn't know what else to do."

"It's not a problem, what am I going to do anyway? Turn you away from my front door in this weather? I can be a bitch but I'm not heartless, Johnny.”

“I never said you were. I just wasn’t expecting you to actually let me inside, you seem to be shutting just about everyone out right now, both physically and metaphorically of course.”

Donghyuck shuffled around the kitchen, grabbing two mugs so he could make them some tea, it was the least he could do before he got berated for breaking Johnny’s brothers heart. Johnny just watched in a daze, trying to think through all the things he could say; neither Donghyuck nor Mark were aware of Johnny having witnessed heir argument, having watched as not just one, but two hearts shattered to pieces the moment Donghyuck had let out that first, strangled ‘I’m sorry’.

The two sat across from each other, in Donghyuck's far too clean and tidy living room to have even been lived in, hot chocolate's in hand and heating their only defense against the grim weather.

“Guess I like you too much to do that, plus you scare me slightly when you get into protective big brother mode.”

“You know protective big brother mode applies to you too, right? I’ve known  you longer than I’ve known Jisung, you’re just as much my brother as Jisungie or Mark.”

“But Mark or Jisung aren’t the ones who broke your little brothers heart. Or rather shattered it into oblivion and crushes all his hopes and dreams. I’m a horrible excuse for a human-being.”

“Don’t say that Hyuck, you can’t think its the be-all and end-all just because you don’t feel the same way about him, just because you don’t know how you feel or what you feel.”

Donghyuck ran his hands over his face and sighed, "Mark hates me Johnny, I didn't just break his heart - I clawed it out, stomped all over it and chucked it away like he meant nothing to me."

"He doesn't hate you, he could never hate you Haechannie."

Donghyuck scoffed, "And how would you know that?"

"Because that's the thing about soulmates. No one ever realises the true power of a soulmate until they find their own, even then it's practically impossible to explain. There isn't words to describe the pure devotion, that true love you feel, the way you'd do anything for them. Your soulmate isn't someone you give your life too, it's someone who completes you. Without them you'd smile a little less, cry a little more and be a little lonelier. They support you in life and you do the same, you work together, not alone. It's so beautiful. Whether they’re by your side, down the street, or the other side of the world–you’re connected."

"I still can't comprehend how much of a sap you've become."

It was Johnny's turn to scoff, "Come on, be serious with me here. It's just me and you, you know you can talk to me about anything. You don't have to talk about Mark or soulmates, you can talk about school, or applying to uni, or Red Velvet's latest comeback, you don't have to lie or fake anything to me. It’s me Donghyuck and I may not be your soulmate but I’m not going anywhere."

"Johnny, you don't have to do this. You don't have to act like you care... no one else does, not even my own parents. Save yourself the trouble and whatever obligation you feel to be here."

That was the thing about Donghyuck's parents, they just didn't really care. There was no 'I'm proud of you' when he brought his report home, or a genuine 'how was your day?'. The two lived and breathed their work and he would always be thankful for everything they had given him but he couldn't help the feeling of missing the attachment that the others around him had to their parents. He went home to an empty house, the place looked like something straight out of a catalog, not a shoe out of place. It didn't look lived in and it never felt like a home. He'd always spent more time at Mark's or Jaemin’s during his childhood especially, they were homes. Jaemin's always, without fail, smelt like home cooked food, it was warm and cozy with little traces of each member of the family filtering in to every room. Mark's on the other hand was arguably utter chaos , the usual smell of burnt food (Mark has been banned from the kitchen but that doesn't seem to stop him) or the vanilla scented candles his mother adores and insists on putting in every room no matter the weather.

If you asked Donghyuck to describe what a home felt like, whether he thought about it or not, he would inevitably end up describing the Lee's. There were pencil markings on the wall beside the inside of the office door, logging their heights every year since Johnny was four, his personal favourite is this past year when Jisung officially passed Mark in height - and yes, Mark is still bitter about it. Donghyuck likes the way he knows that the chips on the skirting board in the hallway and the dent in the wooden flooring is from when Johnny dropped a bottle of vodka at sixteen and it was his first experience witnessing someone use such colourful language. He likes the way he knows that the light on the fence at the bottom of the garden doesn't work because Jaemin had finally kicked a football into it one too many times and they still haven't gotten around to fixing it despite the fact it was almost five years ago. He liked the little nick nacks that had found their way onto any possible empty surface, random pictures of days out, school events and Polaroids of  evenings that are now slightly hazy in their memories but if the smiles on their faces are anything to go by it was enjoyable all the same.

Donghyuck liked the way Mark's bedroom screamed him the moment you walked in. Donghyuck's was plain and simple, aside from the pop art canvas print of Michael Jackson his mum had bought him to replace his 'ghastly' posters. Mark's room was filled with miscellaneous art and clutter he loved despite not having any meaning (it had meaning to him no matter how stupid- it always had meaning), from his giant poster of the periodic table (colour-coded and all), to the one of his favourite football team, the vintage band posters he'd put up to remind him of his dad, to ones of his favourite movies and video games. In all the years they've known each one another Donghyuck is pretty convinced he can count the number of times Marks bed has been made on one hand, his numerous blankets tossed haphazardly around. It was organised chaos, it made Hyuck feel safe and cosy, made him feel like he was home.

"You can't stop me from caring about you Donghyuck, that's not going to happen. I love you just like my brothers, you know that, you grew up just as much a part of the family as anyone else. You don't have to hide who you are Donghyuck, not to me."

"I don't know what to do, Johnny. I don't know where it all went wrong," Donghyuck's voice faltered, barely above a whisper. He let out a faint sob.

Johnny got up from his seat, wrapping his arms around the younger and pulling him into a tight hug as he let out sob after sob. Finally releasing all his built-up emotions.

"Shhh, don't worry Hyuck, I've got you okay. You're going to be just fine, I've got you."

It took a while but the younger had finally calmed down enough to speak again, hesitantly removing himself from Johnny's tight hold.

"So, what I got in between your sobs, Mark confessed but you haven't gotten your soulmate Mark so unless there's some sort of glitch, you and him aren't actually meant to be - wow, my whole life has been a lie if that's the case- and you think you may be 'kinda, sorta, maybe' gay?"

"Yeah that's about the most of it," Donghyuck huffed.

"Right. Honestly don't know where to start with unpacking all of that but you seem might need to talk your feelings out.”

“It feels like my whole life I’ve been told that Mark and I will end up being soulmates, no one ever thought we wouldn’t be. We just ignored it, kept living our lives as best friends and that let me ignore my feelings, ignore the fact that my parents would treat me the same as they did Taeyong if they knew I was gay, that I am gay.

I’ve grown up in a house that doesn’t believe you have to be with your soulmate, that doesn’t believe that there’s just one person out there for everyone. My parents not being with their soulmates made me think there wasn’t anything wrong with it, that people getting sick when they’re apart from their soulmate is some manufactured lie. I don’t know what to believe anymore. ”

“I watched my mum lose my dad Hyuck and whether it’s true or not, she wasn’t the same after. She wasn’t the same for a long time. That love she had for him had nowhere to go, it destroyed her. I don’t have anything against people who don’t date their soulmate, or people who go without ever so much as searching for them. I don’t think it's denying your soulmate that destroys you, it’s denying that love. Love is powerful and all-consuming and it makes you lose yourself for a little while but you always figure it out in the end. Whether you think Mark is your soulmate or not, if you truly care for him as something more than just your best friend, no one will stop you. Soulmates don’t resign you to loving one person.”

"I don't want to be with someone whose heart belongs to someone else. If Mark and I really aren’t soulmates, surely I’m just setting myself up for heartbreak? Just once, I want to be someone's first choice. I'm so sick of being second best all the time."

"Hyuck, you know that's not true. You know you're not second best, that's just stupid."

"Yes, I am. Sometimes it's subtle, like the way my parents finally let me enroll in dance classes or allowed me to dye my hair - but I realised that they were dealing with the fact Taeyong walked out by replacing him with me. I'm not really Mark's best friend, Renjun always will be, but we all know Mark would choose family above all else, you included. You and Ten defy all odds against your relationship because you truly believe in one another and the idea of soulmates. Chenle would find Jisung in every lifetime and Jaemin... Jaemin lives and breathes Renjun. Jaemin wouldn't let a soul so much as harm a hair on Renjun's head he is so in love with that boy. So, no Johnny, I'm not even second best, I'm a last resort to everyone, even my own parents."

Johnny paused, mouth opening and closing a of times while he tried to figure out what to say, "Your parents are really trying to replace him with you?"

"I don't know, it feels like they are. Sometimes they'll accidentally ask if he's coming home for tea or something equally mundane and the looks on their faces when they realise what they've just said... it's obvious they miss him but they won't do anything about it, they're too stubborn to care." Hyuck runs his hands over his face and lets out a deep breath,  "They only started letting me do all these things since Taeyong left. They couldn't stop him, he didn't listen, but I did and look where that got me. I'm a stranger in my own home and I have to hide who I really am. It’s like they hope that if they give me more freedom that I won’t turn out like Taeyong or ruin their little picture perfect family."

"I know you're angry right now, at me, at Mark, at your parents... at the world. But, I will always try my best to be there for you and if you need to get out of there please, please just come to ours. I can't stand that you still live there, you don't deserve to be in a place like that."

Johnny gave one of his heart-warming smiles, hugging Donghyuck again. “You are loved Haechannie, there are people who care about you, people who would risk the world for you and you just need to let yourself be open to the idea that someone can love you, for you. Don't be a stranger, stop hiding from the world and let yourself be you again. You didn't get the nickname Haechan for nothing.”

Johnny left after more hugs and tears, telling Donghyuck he’s loved, over and over again. Drilling it into him so he couldn’t forget, so he had no choice but to remember.

[whiskynottea]

An interruption in the 1st law of thermodynamics.

Previously, Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Chapter 33 Chapter 34

AO3

@theministerskat, there is not much left to say at this point... Thank you!! ❤️

Also, cheers to @notameeksassenach for her tags 😉

Chapter 35. Expectations

Expectations. What a person believes will happen, under certain conditions. The product of probability and value.

The problem with this equation is that values change depending on the person.

Brian Fraser valued the continuation of his business, a stable life for his son to carry on his family name, an admirable career that would give Jamie the foundation for a happy life.

I valued Jamie’s happiness and proximity. I didn’t care what he chose to do, as long as it made him happy and we left Edinburgh together, going to uni and living the best years of our lives.

Jamie, however, valued the feeling of water enfolding his body in the pool, the thrill of a victory, the progress he made every day towards being the best.

Happiness is a common trait, linked to the variables of everyone’s expectations. But there is a different version of happiness in each person, anchored to its own universe.

Our expectations. Our family’s, our friends’ expectations… What we have, what we’d like to have, what we should have in the future. Who we should be.

Life is demanding. And love makes people demanding.

A battle of beliefs – adding weight to our decisions, to our plans, to our lives. Changing the equation’s balance.  

--

Jamie was angry, scared, stressed. I couldn’t imagine a worse combination. He closed himself off and I was sure that he hardly heard my little motivational speech as I was talking to him during the lunch break.

“Listen to me, you bloody Scot. Your father said that you’ll stop swimming if you don’t get better grades. IF.” At this point, I had grasped his hand, my fingers applying pressure against his, pushing my conviction into his skin.

“He doesna understand, Sassenach.” Jamie’s words were strained, leaving barely opened lips. “He thinks I’m fooling around wi’ the swimming when I’m not. Ye ken that.” His eyes bore into mine, daring me to contradict him. “Tis what makes me happy.” His face softened for a moment, before adding, “And you.”

“I know Jamie, but you can’t blame hi-”

“The hell I can’t!” I’d lost him again. He went from vulnerable and open to distant and cold in mere seconds.

“He wants the best for you, that’s why he pushes you,” I tried again, willing the relation between the two strong headed men to be mended. “He’s your father, Jamie, he loves you more than anyone.”

“My Ma would never have done this, make me choose.” His voice broke min-sentence and he fixed his eyes on an invisible mark on the floor.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I wouldn’t let him get caught in that loop of pain and anger. It was easy to blame his dad and idealize his mother. It was safe - no one could prove him wrong. Before I opened my mouth to speak again, Jamie’s ironic chuckle stopped me.

“He never really got it – my Da. It was my Ma who was driving me to the pool every day, who cheered me on, she embraced who I was and my love for swimming. My Da… his mind was always on the business.” Loss and hurt gave way to fury again, and his words came out harsh and hurried. “And now he sees swimming as a distraction, when the only distraction is school.”

At this, I stopped short. I blinked once, trying to comprehend what he’d said.

“What?” It was a single syllable, but it must have carried a load of emotion because Jamie’s face turned abruptly towards me. I tried to be calm, to stop my heaving chest, to keep my pounding heart safe in my chest before it broke in pieces. “Jamie, you can’t really mean that.” My words sounded almost normal – almost. “You need to study, you need the grades, the A levels…” My composure failed me then, the continuation of my sentence silent, grinding against my throat.

Us.

He didn’t want to go to Oxford anymore? If he didn’t care about school, about uni…

“Claire,” he said, voice husky again. “Please, not you too. Not you.”

I shook my head, willing the tears to stay hidden behind closed eyelids, my face straining in pain. I felt his strong arms around my shoulders pulling me tight to him and I swallowed hard, scared of what was to come. A secret buried deep inside him, coming to the surface. “I didna mean it, mo chridhe. Not that way.” I didn’t move or speak, and I felt him take a deep breath, his chest pushing against my own. “I’m sorry, Claire. I dinna want to fuck up with you too.”

I ran my hands over my face, took a step back and looked at him. “So what did you mean?”

He shrugged, running a hand through his messed locks. “I dinna want to stop swimming, is all I meant. I need to focus on training. If I win the Scottish National Champs I might even get to the national team - I checked the times they need, I’m really close. But this doesna mean I dinna want to fix my grades.”

I pushed myself to the side for a moment, tossed my expectations in the trash can and decided to focus on his - all the while feeling a knife going through my heart. But this wasn’t about me. It was about him. His life, his future. His happiness.

I took him by the hand and walked into an empty classroom. It was quiet, the dust suspended in the air, the numbers on the blackboard noting dates to be remembered, important, historical ones. Not like the dates I remembered: when he asked me for my number, when we kissed for the first time, when we went to the cinema on our first date, when I spent the night in his room at Lallybroch, when we made love. I didn’t want to add another date to my list - when Jamie realized that he didn’t want to come to Oxford. And yet, I would - if I had to.

Jamie sat on a desk and I settled between his thighs. His eyes were lost, desperate. “Do you remember when we went to the escape room?” I asked and he looked at me surprised, but nodded his head.

“Before we met the others, we talked about our A levels.” He nodded again. “You said you would take over your father’s business, but your dream was to travel, to write a book. Do you still want to do that?”

Jamie smiled, shaking his head. “Ye do remember everything, aye?” I shrugged in response and let him continue. “I still like studying English more than maths, that’s to be sure. But, nay, I dinna see myself doing that.”

“What do you see yourself doing then?”

“I want to keep swimming.”

“You and Dory from Nemo,” I said, losing my solemn expression for a moment, and kissed his nose.

A silent laugh left his throat and he took a deep breath, but didn’t speak.

“Do you want to go to uni?” I asked, my voice steady. My heart clenched, ready to take the blow.

“Of course I do, Claire!”

A loud beat, the blood resuming its flow through my body.

“To do what?” I asked, making him justify his response out loud. If he didn’t want to face his future, to prioritize his goals, someone had to do it for him.

“Business management.” He said it as if it was obvious, and yet the worst thing in the world.

“Jamie, do you want to take over the family business? I mean… Do you really want to do it?”

Jamie looked away for a long moment and swallowed hard before his eyes returned to mine. “I dinna ken. It’s not actually a choice, Sassenach.”

“Have you talked to your dad about it? Have you ever explained to him how you feel?”

Jamie let out a long breath before a sad smile settled on his lips. “I canna do that.”

“And why is that?” I pushed him.

“He has been planning it for years. It would break him, Sassenach. My Ma and he, they created everything, starting from nothing. It’s his dream to continue the Fraser business, so my parents’ labour wouldn’t be in vain. He wants to leave something behind - for us. A legacy that we’ll take even further. I canna deny him his dream.”

“His dream.” I emphasized.

“Still,” he said it simply and it was all I needed to understand what he meant. He couldn’t let down his father. Wouldn’t, not now. Not before having something more certain as an alternative.

“But you can see yourself running the business?”

“Aye, I can. Tis not that bad, Sassenach. In a way, we try to make people happy, give them pleasure wi’ our products. Maybe give them a smile some time during their day.”

I smiled, thinking of my smile every time I ate one of their shortbread cookies. ”But it’s not swimming.” I voiced the part of his thoughts he had kept silent.

“No, tis not.”

“But would you like to be a professional swimmer?” I asked him, already knowing the answer.

“Ye ken that I want to. But tis not easy.”

“So, since you still don’t know what the future holds for you, you’ll close no doors - just yet.”

“No, I won’t. That’s why I’m training as much as I can. That’s why I’ll go to uni. Wi’ you,” he said and pulled me closer for a kiss.

“You do realise,” I said with a frown when we broke our kiss, “That for this to happen, you have to study and pass our exams. Right?”

Jamie raised his eyebrows, as if the answer to my question was obvious. “Help me wi’ the maths?”

I looked at him and thought that I could easily finish this conversation with a positive answer and a kiss. But I couldn’t. The doubt crept up in me, slowly eating pieces of my happiness. My expectations. “Jamie, is Oxford still your dream as it is mine?” My voice was as light as I could make it sound, trying not to push him towards an answer, to have him make his own decision. “It’s fine if it’s not.”

That knife again, threatening my heart. But I wanted him to be sure of his choice. I didn’t want to force my dreams on him.

Jamie pulled me towards him again, holding me so tight that I could barely breathe. “I didna mean it Claire, about school. I said that out of anger, for my da. For swimming.” His eyebrows furrowed in the absence of my response and he ran his hand along my cheekbone, as if to wipe invisible tears. “Ye do believe me, right?”

“I do,” I whispered, leaning into his touch. “It’s going to be okay.”

“Ye’ll help me then?” His lips found my forehead, lingering there, pressing against my skin.

“I will,” I said and exhaled loudly. “We’re going to have you ready for those A levels.”

“Thank ye, Sassenach. Thank ye for bearing with me.”

“Well, I have ulterior motives, don’t I?” I smiled, trying to lighten the mood. “I do want you at Oxford with me.”

Jamie chuckled and kissed me, his lips soft against mine. “I dinna ken what I’ve done to deserve ye, mo ghraidh, but I thank my luck every day for that gift.”

“Umhmm,” I smiled against his mouth, trapping his bottom lip between my teeth.

--

Jamie and I got organized. We put together a study plan, never breaking our schedule. Twice per week, I was taking my books and notes and rode to his place in a full teaching mode, determined to fill the gaps he’d created by totally disregarding any maths homework in months.

Ahead of the prospect of losing his swimming training and, consequently, all the meets his coach had planned for him, Jamie set on studying square roots and coefficients of quadratic equations, series and trigonometry. He wasn’t extremely happy for the task, and murmured things under his breath once too often, but he did it.

It wasn’t easy, but we had everything under control.

Not that we were always completely focused.

Not that Jamie hadn’t suggested that for every solved equation we would remove a piece of clothing.

Not that Ian had entered the room at that exact moment, turned red and suggested we’d inform him beforehand if we were actually studying or not. “That’s anatomy, by the way,” he’d said, chortling, as he closed the door, “Not maths.”

Not that Jamie wiggled his eyebrows at me, whispering, “When will we study A level Anatomy, my Sassenach?”

But, all in all, it was going well.

I usually stayed for dinner afterwards, the smell of Murtagh’s famous scrambled eggs or Ian’s spaghetti napolitana wafting into Jamie’s room, and making our stomachs growl. Lamb used to feign irritation with me for leaving him alone, but I could see the small smile on his face, no matter how much he was trying to hide it behind the paper he held.

The day Mr. McMahon asked to see Jamie after class, telling him that he could finally see in him the student he knew all the past years, we celebrated with fish and chips at Calton Hill.

Jamie relaxed and focused on his - now balanced - schedule. He got his confidence back, and was positive that he could win the Scottish National Open Championship and rock his A levels. More importantly, he stopped fighting with his dad over the phone, even though it was clear that Brian still wasn’t happy with Jamie’s training schedule. But at least he was now reassured that Jamie wouldn’t fail his A levels. He’d become the lad he was supposed to be, getting ready for the continuation of his education.

We had more than one reason to believe that Brian would let Jamie stay in Edinburgh over the Easter holidays. During our breaks from studying – when we weren’t extremely busy kissing or making out – we cuddled on his bed and whispered to each other, making plans for the two weeks we’d be all alone. We spoke our dreams softly in the quiet room, our voices floating around before taking shape; cherry blossoms over our heads as we’d walk through the city parks, the buzz of the people in the old town as we’d walk up the Royal Mile, the table we’d set to eat all alone, the nights we’d spend awake, making love. The days too – as Jamie pointed out. Jenny and Ian would go back home and Murtagh would be going to Paris with his mysterious woman. Not that Suzette was that mysterious, but we kept our mouths shut until he finally introduced her to us. She was living in the same apartment building, and it wasn’t that common for Murtagh to go grocery shopping - buying chia seeds for a neighbor.

With so many dreams ready to come true, Jamie asked his dad if he’d changed his mind a few days before the break. Everything was going according to the plan now, and he could stay back to continue studying and training.

Brian, however, answered with a definite “No.” He wanted Jamie to return to Lallybroch and work on the distillery. They would begin the fermentation of their new single malt and he wanted his son to be there. “To get to know things from the inside,” as he’d said.

Our dreams popped in the room, iridescent bubbles that held nothing but thin air.

Jamie looked at me with brooding eyes, unable to talk for a few minutes. “I canna believe he’s doing this to me. I dinna bloody care about his whisky!”

“Jamie,” I said, cupping his cheeks with my hands, bringing his forehead against mine. “It’s alright.”

It wasn’t alright, but I couldn’t make things worse by saying it aloud.

“Tis not alright. I’ve done everything he asked for!” His slumped shoulders sank a bit deeper and he brought his arms around me, pulling me into his embrace.

“You’ve done what you needed to do. For you, not for him. And he was negative from the beginning about you staying back, we should have expected that.”

But we hadn’t, because we fooled ourselves with cherry blossoms and endless kisses.

“It’s two weeks, Sassenach. What are we going to do for two whole weeks?”

I kissed the tip of his nose, his cheekbones, his lips. “We’ll text. We’ll video call.”

“We’ll count the days,” he said and I kissed his pout.

“Yes, that too.” I agreed, my hands leaving his cheeks to run through his silken hair.

His lopsided smile was the last thing I saw before he took my lips in his in a slow, long, burning kiss.

Two days later, I watched the train leaving from the central station and taking him away, his words reverberating in my head louder than any other sound around me.

“I miss you already, babe. So much.”

Chapter 36

[simcatcher]

57 Things About Me - Tag

I was tagged ageeeees ago by @purplepxls​ thank you honey <3

57 sounds like alot. Also why 57 ? 

1. I am a very tall girl with curls. I don’t make up unless I’m going out, but my job requires me to ! That’s one of the things I like about that job, it makes me feel pretty :)

2. I can spend days in my room as long as I can see the sun... Just to write. Or get inspiration. I’ll just take tea breaks and nourish myself from time to time lol.

3. I’ve been in love once or twice or more, but I’ve never really loved anyone. I never let them too close, and I get bored too easily... When the feelings are reciprocated, I mean. I long after the ones I couldn’t have more than after my actual exes, lol !

4. Loneliness never bothered me too much. I am a loner, I need my time alone to breathe. Now my friends start families and marriage and such and I’m just like wut ? nop, not at all. 

5. I used to party a lot, alot alot alot but now I’m less wild. I don’t drink much anumore except for a glass of red wine from time to time. The only leftovers of my uni years are my damn cigarettes lol. They’re sticky.

6. I have mood swings. One minute cheerful and loud, the next sad and quiet. I think all the time about plenty of things and this is a real mood trigger.

7. I’m not very trustable when it comes to dates, things you said, ‘let me know”. I don’t remember your secrets, I forget about the dates, I never ring back. I hate commitment and pressure and go for my own freedom. I do basically what I want.

8. This is starting to be long.

9. I think love hurts and this is the only battle I’ve never engaged because I don’t want to end up broken. I don’t see the point. And I hate romance lolol. Cheesy romance that is, impossible loves are my shit. 

10. I’m a sucker for horror movies. I love them. The creepier the better ! I’m not going for butchery though, I like when the story is mindwrecking. I like it even more actually. Should I have said thriller ? Ahah, Annabelle ain’t no thriller :D

11. I have my own car now ! Along with my own place, my own roomies, my job, I’ve never been this content before and when I look back at all the times I was about to give up, all the times I’ve kept on keeping on when I felt like it was useless, now I see it was all worth it, so so much worth it.

12. I don’t want to be a mom. I don’t want that responsibility, that life changing kind of committment. I want a cat. But even a cat seems hard to handle for me. I’ve had a kitty home (for a friend) for a while, and it’s... life changing. Not sure I mean it in a good way though. I really loved the part when the little baby woke me up with her meows or when she curled up against me at night or when she gave those very special head-bumps kind of hugs. God I miss her...

13. I think some events are meant to happen. Some other are meant to not happen. Sometimes when it’s not your fate it’s no use pushing and pushing again cause it only drains all your energy and you’re left flat and without substance. I’ve learnt that the hard way cause I’m kind of stubborn, I give myself 200% or I don’t. Sometimes if it’s meant to be it just happens, you DON’T have to push or rush, cause it comes to you naturally. And when it’s not for you it’s not, and the only thing to do is let go. That’s the hardest part.

14. I believe in miracles sometimes, or a little hand of Fate who knows. 

15. Looking at the night sky when there’s no one and nothing around but the wild animals outside is one of my favorite thing to do. Empty your head, breathe fresh air (well erm smoke a cig) and look up. I make up stories and find my own constellations. The last one I’ve found out is shaped like a wink / smile, and now that I got that job I dreamt to get, I can’t see it anymore in the sky. It’s still there though.

16. I don’t have a style, but if you ask my roomies they’d say ‘bohème’, which is fine by me. 

17. I like open spaces with little people. I like mountains, lakes, beaches and islands, I like big fields and feeling so small. I would love to be able to fly, but I’m afraid of heights. Since I’m afraid of heights, you can be sure I’m climbing on rooftops and trekking whenever I can (with friends. With friends, eh.) I mean, I try to fight against the fear, or no, it’s more like I want to understand it the best I can so I can know it by heart and never let it diminish me. Still a WIP lol

18. I don’t know continuity. I speak as I think, and it’s messy. Changing subjects is my specialty. Some think I don’t listen. Maybe I don’t, but I think I do, and I try !

19. I used to take anything. The anger, the sadness, anything to the point I couldn’t feel at all. Now it’s the opposite, if I’m angry I can’t (and won’t) contain myself, if I’m sad I’ll let myself cry. I’m done wearing a mask.

20. I don’t put labels on people. I don’t judge or, when I do I always try to get the other view. When ppl tell me someone has done this or that, I never take for granted that the person is a jerk. Ppl have reasons you never know about, and most of the times the issue is a communication issue. You don’t get what I mean, you twist it to fit your idea of it... anyway.

21. I love pizza and chocolate, but pizza more. Summer of 2015 was the sweetest summer of all for me. It was bright and warm. I was 21.

22. I feel so much. So, so so much some days it’s hard to keep up with the world. I feel so much and yet it’s like I’m the greatest self-absorbed person you’ll know. It’s always about me, about me, about me, and I guess that’s why I can’t be in a relationship and don’t really want to.

23. I read books in english and in french. Depends. Also I never read a book. I read plentuy, all in the same time, I start them in the middle, I go past and forward, there’s no written law about how to read a book but my roomate still thinks I’m weird.

24. I’m still 24 for a bit

25. But I’m turning 25 soon

26. Do you want to know when ?

27. No ?

28. Yes ? Well, that’s the 28th. Funny joke ain’t it ! the 28th of November, therefore a Sag lady here.

29. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m going.

30. I feel empty and depressed if I don’t have something to fight for. Something I love to fight for I mean. When it’s something I don’t love, I still fight but it takes loads more of energy and I don’t know if I could do it again. 

31. Sometimes I feel like an old lady, sometimes like a little girl, but best is when I feel like a woman. A pretty red-lips/dark har young lady. It’s a nice feeling.

32. Where will I be when I’m 32 ?

33. I would really want to smoke a cigarette right now but I have to control myself cause I only have 4 left and I don’t have a car for now and where my parents live you need a car if you want to purchase cigarettes cause countryside means countryside we only have a hairdresser and a bakery around here

34. Mu little brother must be the person I love most in the whole damn universe, and though he drives me crazy like no one else I would go to the moon and back for him, he means the world to me

35. I have the best parents in the whole world

36. I wouldn’t trade my childhood memories for all the gold in the world

37. I’m quiet when you don’t know me, a little (hem, little) less when you do. 

38. I consider myself a fighter, cause though I try not to fall, I get up when I do and I don’t complain much.

39. I think I’ll stop at 41

40. I hate social media so much, I hate how they control our lives, I hate how the kids got smartphones and such and I wish they would still go out and play in the dirt like I used to cause those are the best memories I have and sometimes good memories are a good fuel to keep on

41. There we go

42. I love thunderstorms. They fascinate me. They make me happy for some reason. I love it.

Thank you, have a nice night, a nice day, a nice nap, a nice cookie and a nice life. Cheers <3

(I tag the ones who haven’t done it and would want to cause I’ve seen it on many blogs already ?)

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

My finger slipped on the previous message and hit send before I was done??? So here we go again. I’m sorry. To sum up, I have things to say and I don’t exactly know how many because it’s all messed up in my head. Sometimes I think I say ~it~ so often because that way I believe ~it~. It’s as if the more I said ~it~ the truer it became. I don’t want it to be like that. I never did. I never wanted to be that person. But I don’t want to lose what I have because what I have is better than nothing. I can’t say what I mean or what I am talking about. Somebody might read it and everything would be messed up. Better safe than sorry. So..I cannot go into detail, as much as I would want to. Anyway. I think that was thing number one. That the meaning of ~it~ is on it’s way to disappear and I don’t want that, so I say ~it~ too often. Then again I might tell myself that because actually everything is alright but I’m not okay with it. Well…because they aren’t. Because nobody would be if they knew. They don’t. And I don’t know how to tell them so maybe I push myself away from feeling the way saying ~it~ suggests. This is becoming way too concrete. So I’ll stop here. Second thing. I have one week left in Canada. My flatmate C left today. 2 days ago she had a goodbye party. I was there. Got drunk even though I’d promised A I wouldn’t be (I shouldn’t promise what I cannot keep. I’m really a bad person). And then C ended up in bed with F and a guy, D, I didn’t really know before, was pretty devastated. I thought D slept with C some weeks ago because there were shoes in the hallway and C told me she’d been with somebody. The day after that day, we went out and D was there so I assumed it was him. Anyway. It wasn’t. So C slept with misterX, with F, and D has a crush on her. Anyway. I’ll never see her again. She’s gone now. So on that party D was devastated and I talked to him just to be nice. And I was lonely and he was and I just didn’t want to sleep alone. So I told him he could stay if there were no buses for him to go home. I told him I had A and that A was a girl and that I didn’t want a thing from him, but that I didn’t want to be alone in my bed because I was scared of my head. So he said yes, confessed he had a crush on this other girl that I don’t know and so yea. We were at the point of going to sleep when F and C popped into the apartment and said we’d go out. I wasn’t in the mood. D was. So D apologised and said he’d go out and not stay. So I was alone. Again. Anyway. It didn’t matter. I just made a fool out of myself. Like always. The day after, C wanted to go have a final dinner with this group of 10. I had dance class. So I didn’t go. When I came home from uni that day, they were all watching Harry Potter in her bed and J was there. J can’t stand me and I don’t like her either so I just went to my room and didn’t talk to them. Then it was time for my dance class and the 10’s dinner. And I heard how everybody signed C’s t-shirt. I wasn’t asked. So I didn’t ask. I didn’t sign. I then came home around midnight. They were in the living room all together. I said hi and went to shower. When I said hi, J gave me the death look telling me to back off. So I did. Too many people. D was there too. And I’d made enough a fool out of myself before. So I went to sleep. Today I was sleeping. A knocked at 7 to take the hairdryer and told me they were all having breakfast together and if I wanted to join. So I said yes. We ate. They went away. To Québec City. C went to bed again. Then at 9, C’s lift came. I said bye and that’s it. She’s gone. The others went to Québec City today even though I told them today was literally the only day I couldn’t because I already payed for a dance workshop. They said it had to be today because tomorrow J can’t. Anyway. They like her more than me. Clearly. Which is probably my fault. They want to meet up in February. In the place where Ca lives. Wich is 8 train hours from me away. They meet there one day before my uni starts. I said I couldn’t come. They said they knew but it was the only date that was fine for everyone. Everyone…except for me. I’m weird. It’s okay they don’t like me. But it still hurts. So now…I started to talk more to the people of my dance class. We go to events together at times. It’s great. They are from here, not from Europe. One guy in particular is nice to me. I think he likes me. I have to tell him about A but I don’t really want to? Anyway, I’ll be gone soon. So actually, now that I am starting to get to know people and be okay, I have to leave. Leave dance classes, which saved me so many times. Well that guy, James, asked me to go to have dinner with him and his friends and then go to a boardgame café. I already ate. But I’m in for the café. So I’m waiting for him to tell me when I should go. I hope he does. I did something weird. I wrote Camille, my dance teacher, a letter, saying thank you for the amazing classes. I like her. She’s a great teacher. She’s maybe 10 years older than me. She was really happy about the letter and came to thank me but I stammered uncomprehensible french senteces and ugh I blushed. One line of my letter was « je ne pense pas que vous soyez conscients de l’impact que vous avez sur la vie des gens », which means “ don’t know if you know how big of an impact you have in the life of others”. And she told me that maybe, no, they didn’t, but that letters like mine gave her the answer to why she is doing what she’s doing and that sometimes she doesn’t feel good enough and it’s sentences like that one that show her that she’s doing a good job. Anyway. She was at that event yesterday. And she kissed my cheeks like people do it here and wished me a good trip home, saying it was nice getting to know me. I was glad to hear it but all I could do was blush and stammer a “thanks you too” (and no, I usually do not stammer). So today at the workshop I took my courage with both hands and went to talk to Julien, my other teacher, from France actually, but he lives here now, and thanked him too, and said goodbye. He was really kind. I don’t think I blushed. I don’t think I stammered. It’s easier for me to talk to guys. I feel as if they didn’t judge me as much. I idealise them less. It’s easier. So yea, now I’m torn. When I’m home, I have my family and friends again, I’m away from the 10 who cannot stand me. BUT: I’m in the closet again, James and Camille and Julien are gone. Dance is gone. And Jive isn’t taught in Europe. The fact that I can walk to dance class and don’t need a car is gone. All those things that I started appreciating way too late, will be gone. And now, that I finally start to find my place here, I have to go. I’m sad about that. Most days I just want to not exist at all, just so my mind stops racing and I don’t overthink anymore. Now I have one exam left. I need to study. I probably won’t. And I’ll have to ask for my certificat de départ and my relevé des notes and I’ll have to pack my luggage and book a bus and … I guess I’ll do it last minute. Anyway. Thanks for listening. I hope you’re okay. Sorry for the boring and ugly written letter. Oh yea, by the way, I relapsed. A freaked out when I told her. She cried and said it’s her fault and that I don’t trust. That’s bullshit. My fault. Not hers. My issue. Not hers. I told her because I’d promised I would. But I broke one promised. So next time I won’t tell her. By the way… do you know how fucking warm it gets when you have to dance with long sleeves? No? Well…it feels like in a sauna, or like melting. My fault. I’ll try that it doesn’t happen again. It was the first time in 6 months. Oh yea, and? I tried cannabis. It was legalised here. It didn’t have an effect one me. Probably first time immunity. So…I gotta go now. James just told me they are in the café. Love always, Lena. 15.12.2018, 19:50

[7wanderingpaws]

Home arrest. (Jinyoung)

Another request yay! 

This came quickly so I hope it will still be enjoyable. Please let me know what you think and thank you for reading <3 Have a great Friday and weekend! 

Request: - - - Jinyoung x reader - - - (University AU)

The world was an unfair place - that was a fact you knew for a long time being a university student and seeing all the possible disadvantages, etc. However, you could have sworn this one was the worst one out of your entire student life.

“What do you mean you cannot go?” asked your best friend, Nabi. She had this long, black hair that shined beautifully even in the dull lighting of the student cafeteria. She grabbed her iced americano and took a cute sip.

You took off the lid of your hot americano and straight away took one sip. It burned but who gave a damn?! Nabi was about to say something but she almost choked on her own gulp. You swallowed, momentarily dizzy from the burning coffee going down your throat. “Because I have to go to see grandma in the counryside.”

“But can't you postpone it? Come one day later? And that is literally on the other side of the country, Y/N. Changwon is ages away.”

“You know how my father is,” you said, defeated. Besides, you were in quite the trouble at home, being “locked up”. Your father was a very authoritative person that strongly believed in confucianism, therefore there was nothing you could do against him. Yet, you did come home very drunk and very noisy after you managed to nail some hard exams with high scores two days ago. It was like the end of the world at home, but, oh well, you were here feeling very alive.

Nabi made a grimace but didn't dare to comment anymore once the topic turned your father. 

Anyway, you were so ashamed about this fact (you being drunk and then you being “imprisoned in your own home”) that you ended up avoiding your boyfriend Jinyoung. And it was his graduation that you could not attend which broke your heart.

As you were just about to continue with complaints, your KakaoTalk dinged. Not wanting to take it right away, you ignored it when another ding came in. Then another one, then another one. You frowned and looked at Nabi but she was staring at something behind you. Who was i-

“Oh, there you are!” said Jinyoung cheerfully, pushing his phone into his pocket and appearing in your eye sight next to your chair. Nabi had heart eyes and you were trying to stop your heart from beating too frantically. “I was looking for you everywhere, sweetheart. Hey Nabi,” he sent her a charming smile. Nabi covered her face, all red.

That “sweetheart” nickname made you want to cry. “What are you doing here?”

“I finished my meeting sooner than I thought, so now we can be together as much as possible,” he said, his voice slightly raspy. He leaned in, supporting himself with one hand on the table and the other one on your chair. “And you are free now as well, considering your successful exam season.”

You swallowed and didn't dare to look him in the eye. “I actually have to go now.” Before he could even realise it, you were pushing him aside and trying to get up. “I desparately have to be somewhere right now.”

“Oh, yes, you forgot about your media meeting again, didn't you?” Nabi played along, nodding.

Jinyoung looked quite like the confused puppy. His head was turning once to Nabi, once to you, but you were already packing your bag, throwing it over your head. “Wait, Y/N, what media meeting? You're not a media student... Bye Nabi!” he shouted behind his shoulder as you made your way out of the cafeteria. “We should talk about tomorrow.”

Oh no. “Sorry, babe, maybe later? This is pretty urgent,” you said in a monotone voice, not even looking at him. “Catch you later.” You started to jog.

“Y/N!” he said louder, but didn't follow you anymore. He stayed there, laughing in disbelief at what just happened. Usually, you would throw yourself around his neck, giving him a loving peck on the cheek and never leaving his side. And now you looked so panicked for some strange reason.

Obviously, you did not have any media meeting. You took the metro line 9 to your house in Gimpo. Once safely home, you were met with delicious scents coming from the kitchen but even now you didn't feel like eating.

“Y/N? Are you home?” screamed your mum from the kitchen. 

“Yes, I am.” Taking off your shoes, you almost stumbled over. “Oh, for God's sake,” you murmured, very inrritated.

“What did you say, dear?” 

“Oh, nothing. I am home, continuing my home arrest.”

Your mum appeared from the kitchen, looking down the corridor. A typical house-wife, she had her dress and apron on her. “How was it today?”

“I don't want to talk about it,” you said as you went into your room. Your phone was blowing up but you had no guts to answer Jinyoung.

Your mother sighed, worried. “Alright, get your things ready, we are leaving soon for Changwon.”

---

Me (05:58am): Jinyoung, I cant make it today, please dont worry and enjoy it to the fullest. I am sorry

Done. He now was informed that you won't make it and you could just lie in this old bed at your grandmother's and think about the meaning of life... Truthfully, you were so unbelievably irritated, so annoyed and disappointed, you just kept shedding unhappy tears. 

Especially the fact that your grandmother lived in Changwon,  yours and Jinyoung's birthplace. A place where your friendship and later love began. It made you feel this silly bittersweet emotions that were useless.

Your phone beeped once again but you just got up, knowing well that you couldn't afford staying in bed. 

Hard work in the farm began.

---

Three days later, you were back in Seoul. It was very late and you were very tired. You did manage to talk a little bit on the phone with your beloved Jinyoung, but he knew all too well that for some strange reason you were trying to avoid him. He wanted to know why. He wanted to know what happened. It was hurting him so much that you were ignoring him and walking around the issue when he thought you are aware you could tell him anything.

He cared about you so much. He was worried sick you hurt yourself when you fell on that bicycle trip you two took, he hated when he saw you cry for any reason unless it was out of happiness, he was uneasy when he knew you had to face stressful situations and couldn't be there to accompany you. . . He didn't think you were a child or dependent on him, no. He simply, plainly loved you, adored you and wanted to make sure his love is always feeling good and comfortable.

That's why he found himself in the darkness, right in front of your house. It was all silent, your parents probably asleep at this hour. But he knew you would be awake. The tiny light from your nightstand lamp said it all. 

Jinyoung was certainly an athletic type, having competed in a few baseball games and much more football games for the university team. He grasped the ladder that your father put there after working in the little garden you had and pulled himself up, making sure no noise was made.

Back in your room, you were neatly folding your clothes, unpacking your tiny suitcase you brought to Changwon. Silent music was coming from your laptop until you heard your phone beep with a message.

You sighed, knowing well who it was but you still took it, reading the message without unlocking your phone. 

My love (23:46pm): Open your window 

You tried not to panic as your head snapped up looking straight into Jinyoung's eyes. Behind the window. He was balancing, barely managing and you took in a sharp breath immediately dropping the lovely summer dress you had in your hands. You unlocked the window and opened it, grabbing Jinyoung's arm and pulling him forcefully inside, until both of you fell on the floor, him on top of you. Yay, long live the clichés!

You were breathing heavily. “What are you doing here?” you whispered loudly. His eyes bored into you, they seemed so lost and yet so happy to see you after one week of constant avoidance. He pressed his lips to yours hurrily without giving any answer and you immediately gave in, closing your eyes and finally wrapping your arms around his neck. You were trying to pull him as close as it was physically possible.

After a heated three-minute make-out session, you became rather uncomfortable on the floor and squirmed under him. 

“No,” said Jinyoung strictly, making you freeze. “You are not going to escape me this time.”

Your chest was going up and down. “What.”

“Why were you avoiding me? What happened?”

“Jinyoung, if my father finds you here-”

“Answer me.”

“He is going to kil-”

“Goddamit, what is wrong?” he said, a bit louder which made you slap your hand onto his mouth. He grinned cheekily and said, muffled: “I will talk louder to wake your father up if you don't answer me right now, Y/N.”

You closed your eyes again, praying for two seconds. “I can't tell you.”

He frowned. No answer came to his mind.

“I cannot tell you, because I am ashamed about it.”

Now he forgot about his little threat and sat up properly, finally letting you breathe. “Did you do something?”

“I...”

“You didn't attend my graduation. You were one of the only people I was hoping to share this memory with, are you aware of it?” Jinyoung's face was torn apart and still managed to look authoritative. “Are you?” he asked again.

“Im so, so sorry,” you lowered your head. “I truly am, Jinyoung.”

“I need a reason.”

“There is no-”

“Tell me right now. Or else,” he started to take in a big amount of breath, ready to shout to wake your father up. Ugh, what a freaking savage tease!!!

 “Okay, okay, okay, just shut up,” you said pressing your index finger to his lips. He smirked and gave your finger a kiss. “I am in a home arrest kind of thing and I was ashamed about it so I didn't want to tell you. That last day at uni I was not going to a meeting but home.”

“What? You were in a home arrest?”

“Shhhhhh, don't talk so loudly!” you scream-whispered.

“But you are old enough to take care of yourself now.”

You sighed. “I know, but my father doesn't think that. Anyway, this is the truth, now get out before he discovers you here.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “I don't care. I already spent too much time without you.”

You sighed as he hugged you once again, rocking you from side to side. Suddenly, the entire thing became so absurd for you; you were now ashamed for being ashamed.

“I have an idea,” whispered Jinyoung and pulled away just a little bit so he could see your eyes. “What about spending the summer in Changwon? Your grandmother would be over the moon and so would be your parents. You barely see her anymore, ever since we moved up to Seoul.”

You blinked, stunned at how good that idea sounded. A few seconds of considering, and you both were chuckling. “I'd love that.”

He let out a breathy laugh and leaned in to kiss you, combing your hair out of his way. “Then I guess we have one hell of a great summer coming up.”

[theace-of-clubs]

2, 3, 9, 10, 15, 19, 20, 22, 28, 32, 33, 35, 41, 42, 46, 58, 60, 64, 71, 74, 78, 82, 85 (I'm adding mean girls to the list), 91, 100, 103, 116, 120, 122, 132, 133, 134, 135, 142, 146, 149, 150 (this is A LOT oops sorry not sorry) 💜💜💜💜💜💜

2 outgoing/shyshy ish- till you get to know me3 who am I looking forward to seeing(you're digging here and you complained at ME for that 😂) MY GAYS 💜💜💜💜 also I'm actually missing Saunders? and the chemlot? and the lecturers??? most uni people really??9 uncomfortable talking about sex?nah - I'm a pretty open person - I'm happy talking about most things 10 last person I had a deep convo withprobably either you or @herequeeranduncomfortable 💜15 good thing that happened this summer?hmmmmmmmm I got paid? that was good? summers been very boring so far - WE'RE GETTING A KITTEN SOON19 do I like bubble baths?no - I dont fit in normal people baths so they tend to be uncomfortable 😂20 do I like my neighbors?never really talked to them tbh - the people opposite are ASSHOLES revving the engine of their car they're building every day virtually22 where would I like to travelTokyo!! it looks amazing!!! or America - wouldn't wanna stay tho28 who am I most comfortable around?the ace place + the joker 💜💜32 celebrities I'd have a threesome with?hhhhh u ask the ace this question 🙄 I'm having a mind blank I can only think of Chris Hemsworth so I GUESS TWO OF HIM33 spell my name with my chin njjjizh DAMN bad 35 live without TV or music?no TV definitely - I never watch TV anyway41 do I believe everyone deserves a second chance?within reason yes - some people definitely don't42 if I'm being very quiet what does that mean?I'm either not comfortable or incredibly content 😂 although if I'm not comfortable I'll usually start singing along to myself or bouncing46 what am I paranoid about?that people fake liking me and I'm only where I am due to pure luck 😅58 last thing I atea cream slice! those things are lush60 ever won a competition?NoOPE64 story of my first kisswas in town- my (now)ex got pushed into me n we kissed71 craving something?AFFECTION -and a gin and tonic? they're really growing on me I shouldn'tve left my gin at uni74 how many stuffed animals do I have?at least 5 - I've had one of em since I was born and he stays on/near my bed (home home) at all times78 favourite ice cream flavour?gotta be that one love banana Ben and Jerry's - or phish food - or if it's gelato gotta be coffee and hazelnut82 favourite movie?THIS IS DIFFICULT I think The Dark Knight is my fave - such a good film I've seen it so many timesthe obvious choice is Shrek but I feel like that's a given so I cant use it85 (I'm adding mean girls to the list)THE COOL MUM THAT LESLEY FROM PARKS AND REC PLAYS91 anyone I want to punch in the face rn?no-one in particular - not my style100 how am I feeling?pretty content - tired af - excited for 8 shifts time103 can I spell well?Nope BEEECH and neither can u English is an Hard116 am I listening to music rn?nope I'm listening to a PODCAST120 am I afraid of the dark?no - I'm afraid of the unknown tho so kinda I guess122 is cheating ever ok?no?????? why is this a question?????? obviously pobodys nerfect n all - me included - but cheating is never ok132 last person I had a deep convo with (you asked this already THOT) read the answer above133 favourite lyrics rn?hhhhh I'm having a brain fart sorry134 can I count to one million?..... probably? given enough time135 dumbest lie I ever told?I'm not too sure? it was probably at work let's be real142 favourite month?September - student loans come in - I get to see everyone again - lectures start - JESTERS146 was today good?today was eh - nothing really happened just another day @ work149 do I believe in ghosts?maybe? I've never seen any evidence of em but I wouldn't turn down the theory without evidence DISPROVING em150 first line on page 42 of the closest book to meBREAKFAST 14cm Cereal Bowl Fruit & Fibre 11g CARBS 53 CALS 21g CARBS 102 CALS(it's a book for my carb counting diabetes shit which I never use)