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Double Indemnity, Veritas Ratio and Aventurine
This was originally a part of my compilation post as a short analysis on the Double Indemnity references, linking to this great thread by Manya on Twitter. However, I've recently watched the movie and found that the parallels run much deeper than just the mission name and the light cone itself, plus as the short synopsis I've read online. Since there isn't really an in-depth attempt at an analysis on the film in relation to the way Aventurine and Ratio present themselves throughout Penacony, I thought I'd take a stab at doing just that. I will also be bringing up things from Manya's thread as well as another thread that has some extra points.
Disclaimer that I... don't do analyses very often. Or write, in general â I'm someone who likes to illustrate their thoughts (in the artistic sense) more than write. There's just something about these two that makes me want to rip into them so badly, so here we are. If there's anything you'd like to add or correct me on, feel free to let me know in the replies or reblogs, or asks. This ended up being a rather extensive deep dive into the movie and its influences on the pairing, so please keep that in mind when pressing Read More.
There are two distinct layers on display in Ratio and Aventurine's relationship throughout Penacony, which are references to the two most important relationships in the movie â where they act like they hate/donât know each other, and where they trust each other.
SPOILER WARNING for the entire movie, by the way. You can watch the film for free here on archive.org, as well as follow along with the screenplay here. I will also be taking dialogue and such from the screenplay, and cite quotes from the original novel in its own dedicated section. SPOILER WARNING for the Cat Among Pigeons Trailblaze mission, as well.
CONTENT WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF SUICIDE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
To start, Double Indemnity (1944) is a film noir by Billy Wilder (and co-written by Raymond Chandler) based on the novel of the same name by James M. Cain (1927). There are stark differences between the movie adaptation and the original novel which I will get into later on in this post, albeit in a smaller section, as this analysis is mainly focused on the movie adaptation. I will talk about the basics (summaries for the movie and the game, specifically the Penacony mission in tandem with Ratio and Aventurine) before diving into the character and scene parallels, among other things.
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[THE NAME]
The term "double indemnity" is a clause in which if thereâs a case of accidental death of a statistically rare variety, the insurance company has to pay out multiple of the original amount. This excludes deaths by murder, suicide, gross negligence, and natural causes.
The part of the mission in Cat Among Pigeons where Ratio and Aventurine meet with Sunday is named after the movie. And before we get further into things, let's get this part out of the way: The Chinese name used in the mission is the CN title of the movie, so there's no liberties taken with the localization â this makes it clear that itâs a nod to the movie and not localization doing its own thing like with the mission name for Heaven Is A Place On Earth (EN) / This Side of Paradise (äşşé´ĺ¤Šĺ ) (CN).
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[SUMMARY OF THE 1944 MOVIE]
Here I summarised the important parts that will eventually be relevant in the analysis related to the game.
Insurance salesman Walter Neff, wounded from a gunshot, enters his office and confesses his crime on a dictaphone to his boss Barton Keyes, the claims manager. Much earlier, he had met Phyllis Dietrichson, the wife of Mr. Dietrichson and former nurse. Neff had initially wanted to meet Mr. Dietrichson because of car insurance. Phyllis claims her husband is mean to her and that his life insurance goes to his daughter Lola. With Neff seduced by Phyllis, they eventually brew up a scheme to murder Mr. Dietrichson in such a way that they activate the "double indemnity" clause, and the plan goes off almost perfectly. Initially, the death is labeled a suicide by the president of the company, Norton.Â
Keyes finds the whole situation suspicious, and starts to suspect Phyllis may have had an accomplice. The label on the death goes from accidental, to suicide, to then murder. When itâs ruled that the husband had no idea of the accidental policy, the company refuses to pay. Neff befriends Phyllisâ stepdaughter Lola, and after finding out Phyllis may have played a part in the death of her fatherâs previous wife, Neff begins to fear for Lola and himself, as the life insurance would go all towards her, not Phyllis.
After the plan begins to unravel as a witness is found, it comes out that Lolaâs boyfriend Nino Zachette has been visiting Phyllis every night after the murder. Neff goes to confront Phyllis, intending to kill her. Phyllis has her own plans, and ends up shooting him, but is unable to fire any more shots once she realises she did love him. Neff kills her in two shots. Soon after telling Zachette not to go inside the house, Neff drives to his office to record the confession. When Keyes arrives, Neff tells him he will go to Mexico, but he collapses before he could get out of the building.
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[THE PENACONY MISSION TIMELINE]
I wonât be summarising the entirety of Aventurine and Ratioâs endeavours from the beginning of their relationship to their final conversation in Heaven Is A Place On Earth the same way as I summarised the plot of the movie, so I will instead present a timeline. Bolded parts means they are important and have clear parallels, and texts that are in [brackets] and italics stand for the names of either the light cone, or the mission names.
[Final Victor] Their first meeting. Ratioâs ideals are turned on its head as he finally meets his match.
Several missions happen in-between their first encounter and the Penacony project. They come to grow so close and trusting with each other that they can guess, understand each otherâs thoughts, way of thinking and minds even in high stakes missions. Enough to pull off the Prisonerâs Dilemma (Aventurineâs E1) and Stag Hunt Game (Aventurineâs E6) and come out on top.
Aventurine turns towards Ratio for assisting him in the Penacony project. Ratio's involvement in the project is implied to be done without the knowledge of Jade, Topaz, and the IPC in general, as he was only sent to Penacony to represent the Intelligentsia Guild, and the two other Stonehearts never mention Ratio.
Aventurine and Ratio cook up the plan to deceive Sunday before ever setting foot on Penacony. Aventurine does not tell Ratio the entirety of his plan.
Aventurine convinces Topaz and Jade to trust him with their Cornerstones. Aventurine also breaks his own Cornerstone and hides it along with the jade within a bag of gift money.
[The Youth Who Chase Dreams] They enter Penacony in the Reverie Hotel. Aventurine is taken to the side by Sunday and has all his valuables taken, which includes the gift money that contains the broken aventurine stone, the jade, and the case containing the topaz.
Aventurine and Ratio speak in a âprivateâ room about how Aventurine messed up the plan. After faking an argument to the all-seeing eyes of Sunday, Ratio leaves in a huff.
Ratio, wearing his alabaster head, is seen around Golden Hour in the (Dusk) Auction House by March 7th.
[Double Indemnity] Ratio meets up with Sunday and âexposesâ Aventurine to him. Sunday buys his âbetrayalâ, and is now in possession of the topaz and jade. Note that this is in truth Ratio betraying Sunday all along.
Ratio meets up with Aventurine again at the bar. Ratio tells Aventurine Sunday wants to see him again.
They go to Dewlight Pavilion and solve a bunch of puzzles to prove their worth to Sunday.
They meet up with Sunday. Sunday forces Aventurine to tell the truth using his Harmony powers. Ratio cannot watch on. It ends with Aventurine taking the gift money with his Cornerstone.
[Heaven Is A Place On Earth] They are in Golden Hour. Ratio tries to pry Aventurine about his plan, but Aventurine reins him in to stop breaking character. Ratio gives him the Mundaniteâs Insight before leaving. This is their final conversation before Aventurineâs grandest death.
Now how exactly does the word âdouble indemnityâ relate to their mission in-game? What is their payout? For the IPC, this would be Penacony itself â Aventurine, as the IPC ambassador, handing in the Jade Cornerstone as well as orchestrating a huge show for everybody to witness his death, means the IPC have a reason to reclaim the former prison frontier. As for Ratio, his payout would be information on Penaconyâs Stellaron, although whether or not this was actually something he sought out is debatable. And Aventurine? Itâs highly implied that he seeks an audience with Diamond, and breaking the Aventurine Cornerstone is a one way trip to getting into hot water with Diamond. With Aventurineâs self-destructive behaviour, however, it would also make sense to say that death would be his potential payout, had he taken that path in the realm of IX.
Compared to the movie, the timeline happens in reverse and opposite in some aspects. I will get into it later. As for the intended parallels, these are pretty clear and cut:
Veritas Ratio - Walter Neff
Aventurine - Phyllis Dietrichson
Sunday - Mr. Dietrichson
There is one other character who I feel also is represented in Ratio, but I wonât bring them up until later down the line.
For the sake of this analysis, I wonât be exploring Sundayâs parallel to Mr. Dietrichson, as there isnât much on Dietrichsonâs character in the first place in both the movie and the novel. He just kind of exists to be a bastard that is killed off at the halfway point. Plus, the analysis is specifically hyper focused on the other two.
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[SO, WHATâS THE PLAN?]
To make things less confusing in the long run whenever I mention the words âschemeâ and âplanâ, I will be going through the details of Phyllis and Neffâs scheme, and Aventurine and Ratioâs plan respectively. Anything that happens after either pair separate from another isnât going to be included. Written in a way for the plans to have gone perfectly with no outside problems.
Phyllis and Neff â> Mr. Dietrichson
Goal: Activate the double indemnity clause by killing Mr. Dietrichson and making it look like a freak train accident
Payout: Twice or more of the face value of the life insurance ($100,000)
Main Actor: Walter Neff  |  Accomplice: Phyllis Dietrichson
During the entire time until the payout, Phyllis and Neff have to make sure to any outsiders that they look like complete strangers instead of lovers in an affair.
Step-by-step:
Neff convinces Mr. Dietrichson to sign the policy with the clause without him suspecting foul play, preferably with a third party to act as an alibi. This is done discreetly, making Mr. Dietrichson not read the policy closely and being told to just sign.
Neff and Phyllis talk to each other about small details through the phone (specified to be never at Phyllisâ own house and never when Neff was in his office) and in the marketplace only, to make their meetings look accidental. They shouldnât be seen nor tracked together, after all.
Phyllis asks Mr. Dietrichson to take the train. She will be the one driving him to the train station.
On the night of the murder, after making sure his alibi is airtight, Neff sneaks into their residence and hides in their car in the second row seating, behind the front row passenger seat. He wears the same colour of clothes as Mr. Dietrichson.
Phyllis and Mr. Dietrichson get inside the car â Phyllis in the driverâs seat and Mr. Dietrichson in the passenger seat. Phyllis drives. On the way to the train station, she makes a detour into an alley. She honks the horn three times.
After the third honk, Neff breaks Mr. Dietrichsonâs neck. The body is then hidden in the second row seating under a rug.
They drive to the train station. Phyllis helps Neff, now posing as Mr. Dietrichson, onto the train. The train leaves the station.
Neff makes it to the observation platform of the parlour car and drops onto the train tracks when nobody else is there.
Phyllis is at the dump beside the tracks. She makes the car blink twice as a signal.
The two drag Mr. Dietrichsonâs corpse onto the tracks.
They leave.
When Phyllis eventually gets questioned by the insurance company, she pretends she has no idea what they are talking about and eventually storms off.
Phyllis and Neff continue to lay low until the insurance company pays out.
Profit!
Actual Result: The actual murder plan goes almost smoothly, with a bonus of Mr. Dietrichson having broken a leg. But with him not filing a claim for the broken leg, a witness at the observation platform, and Zachette visiting Phyllis every night after the murder, Keyes works out the murder scheme on his own, but pins the blame on Phyllis and Zachette, not Neff.
Now for Aventurine and Ratio. You can skip this section if you understand how deep their act goes, but to those who need a refresher, hereâs a thorough explanation:
Aventurine and Ratio â> Sunday
Goal: Collect the aventurine stone without Sunday knowing, ruin the dream (and create the grandest death)
Payout: Penacony for the IPC, information on the Stellaron for Ratio, a meeting with Diamond / death for Aventurine
Main Actor: Aventurine  |  Accomplice: Veritas Ratio
From the moment they step onto Penacony, they are under Sundayâs ever present and watchful eyes. âPrivacyâ is a foreign word to The Family. They have to act like they donât like each otherâs company the entire time and feed Sunday information through indirect means so that the eventual âbetrayalâ by Ratio seems truthful to Sunday. Despite what it looks like, they are closer than one would ever think, and Ratio would never sell out a person purely for information.
Step-by-step:
After Sunday takes away the bag of gift money and box, Aventurine and Ratio talk in a room in the Reverie Hotel.
Aventurine establishes the Cornerstonesâ importance, and how he lost the gift money and the case containing the Cornerstones to Sunday. Ratio turns to leave, saying âsome idiot ruined everythingâ, meaning the Cornerstones were vital to their plan. (Note that Ratio is not wearing his alabaster head while saying it to said âidiotâ.)
Aventurine then proceeds to downplay the importance of the Cornerstones, stating they are ânothing more than a few rocksâ and âwho cares if they are goneâ. This lets Sunday know that something suspicious may be going on for him to act like itâs nothing, and the mention of multiple stones, and leaves him to look up what a Cornerstone is to the Ten Stonehearts of the IPC.
Ratio points out his absurd choice of outfit, mentioning the Attini Peacock and their song.
Ratio implies that without the aventurine stone, he is useless to the IPC. He also establishes that Aventurine is from Sigonia(-IV), and points out the mark on his neck. To Sunday, this means that Aventurine is shackled to the IPC, and how Aventurine may possibly go through extreme lengths to get the stone back, because a death sentence always looms above him.
Aventurine claims Ratio had done his homework on his background, which can be taken that this is their very first time working together. (It isnât, and it only takes one look to know that Aventurine is an Avgin because of his unique eyes, so this comment does not make sense even in a âsincereâ way, a running theme for the interaction.)
Ratio mentions how the true goal is to reclaim Penacony for the IPC, establishing their ulterior motive for attending the banquet.
Ratio asks if Aventurine went to pre-school in Sigonia after saying trust was reliant on cooperation. Aventurine mentions how he didnât go to school and how he doesnât have any parents. He even brings up how friends are weapons of the Avgins. This tells Sunday that the Avgins supposedly are good at manipulation and potentially sees Ratio possibly betraying Aventurine due to his carelessness with his âfriendsâ. Sunday would also then research about the Avgins in general (and research about Sigonia-IV comes straight from the Intelligentsia Guild.)
Ratio goes to Dewlight Pavilion in Sundayâs Mansion and exposes a part of Aventurineâs âplanâ. When being handed the suitcase, Ratio opens it up due to his apparent high status in the IPC. He tells Sunday that the Cornerstone in the suitcase is a topaz, not an aventurine, and that the real aventurine stone is in the bag of gift money. This is a double betrayal â on Aventurine (who knows) and Sunday (who doesnât). Note that while Ratio is not officially an IPC member in name â the Intelligentsia Guild (which is run by the IPC head of the Technology Department Yabuli) frequently collaborates with the IPC. Either Aventurine had given him access to the box, or Ratioâs status in general is ambiguous enough for Sunday not to question him further. He then explains parts of Aventurineâs gamble to Sunday in order to sell the betrayal. Note that Ratio does not ever mention Aventurineâs race to Sunday.
Ratio brings Aventurine to Sunday. Aventurine offers help in the investigation of Robin's death, requesting the gift money and the box in return.
Sunday objects to the trade offer. Aventurine then asks for just the bag. A classic car insurance sales tactic. Sunday then interrogates Aventurine, and uses everything Ratio and Aventurine brought up in the Reverie Hotel conversation and their interactions in the Mansion, as well as aspects that Ratio had brought up to Sunday himself.
Aventurine feigns defeat and ignorance enough so that Sunday willingly lets him go with the gift bag. After all is said and done, Aventurine leaves with the gift money, where the Aventurine Cornerstone is stored all along.
Ratio and Aventurine continue to pretend they dislike each other until they go their separate ways for their respective goals and plans. Aventurine would go on to orchestrate his own demise at the hands of Acheron, and Ratio⌠lurks in the shadows like the owl he is.
Profit!
Actual Result: The plan goes perfectly, even with minor hiccups like Ratio coming close to breaking character several times and Aventurine being sentenced to execution by Sunday.
This is how Sunday uses the information he gathered against Aventurine:
⢠Sunday going on a tirade about the way Aventurine dresses and how heâs not one to take risks â Ratioâs comment about Aventurineâs outfit being peacock-esque and how heâs âshort of a feather or twoâ. ⢠âDo you own a Cornerstone?â â Ratio talked about the aventurine stone. ⢠âDid you hand over the Cornerstone to The Family when you entered Penacony?â â Aventurine mentioned the box containing the Cornerstones. ⢠âDoes the Cornerstone you handed over to The Family belong to you?â â Aventurine specifically pluralized the word Cornerstone and âa bunch of rocksâ when talking to Ratio. ⢠âIs your Cornerstone in this room right now?â â The box in the room supposedly contained Aventurineâs own cornerstone, when Aventurine mentioned multiple stones. ⢠âAre you an Avgin from Sigonia?â âAventurine mentioned that heâs an Avgin, and Ratio brought up Sigonia. ⢠âDo the Avgins have any ability to read, control, and manipulate oneâs own or anotherâs minds?â â Aventurineâs comment on how friends are weapons, as well as Sundayâs own research on the Avgins, leading him to find out about the negative stereotypes associated with them. ⢠âDo you love your family more than yourself?â â His lost parents. âAll the Avgins were killed in a massacre. Am I right?â â Based on Sundayâs research into his background. ⢠âAre you your clanâs sole survivor?â â Same as the last point. âDo you hate and wish to destroy this world with your own hands?â â Ratio mentioned the IPCâs goal to regain Penacony, and Aventurineâs whole shtick is âall or nothingâ. ⢠âCan you swear that at this very moment, the aventurine stone is safe and sound in this box?â â Repeat.
As seen here, both duos have convoluted plans that involve the deception of one or more parties while also pretending that the relationship between each other isnât as close as in reality. Unless you knew both of them personally and their histories, there was no way you could tell that they have something else going on.Â
On to the next point: Comparing Aventurine and Ratio with Phyllis and Neff.
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[NEFF & PHYLLIS â RATIO & AVENTURINE]
With the short summaries of the movie and the mission out of the way, letâs look at Phyllis and Neff as characters and how Aventurine and Ratio are similar or opposite to them.
Starting off with Aventurine and Phyllis. Here is where they are the most similar:
Phyllis is blonde and described as a provocative woman. Aventurine is also a blond and eyes Ratio provocatively in the Final Victor light cone.
Phyllis was put under surveillance after Keyes starts figuring out that the so-called accidental death/suicide may have been a murder after all. Similarly, Aventurine was watched by Sunday the entire time in Penacony.
Phyllis never tells Neff how she's seeing another man on the side to possibly kill him too (as well as how she was responsible for the death of her husbandâs previous wife). Aventurine also didn't tell Ratio the entirety of his plan of his own death.
Phyllis puts on a somewhat helpless act at first but is incredibly capable of making things go her way, having everything seemingly wrapped around her finger. Aventurine â even when putting on a facade that masks his true motives â always comes out at the top.
Now the differences between Aventurine and Phyllis:
Phyllis does not care about her family and has no issue with killing her husband, his previous wife, and possibly her daughter Lola. Opposite of that, Aventurine is a family man⌠with no family left, as well as feeling an insane level of survivorâs guilt.
Really, Phyllis just⌠does not care at all about anyone but herself and the money. Aventurine, while he uses every trick in the book to get out on top, does care about the way Jade and Topaz had entrusted him with their Cornerstones, in spite of the stones being worth their lives.Â
Phyllis also uses other people to her advantage to get what she wants, often behind other people's backs, with the way she treats Neff and Zachette. Aventurine does as well (what with him making deals with the Trailblazer while also making a deal with Black Swan that involves the Trailblazer). The difference here is Phyllis uses her allure deliberately to seduce men while Aventurine simply uses others as pawns while also allowing others to do the same to himself.
Phyllis makes no attempt at compromising the policy when questioned by Norton. Aventurine ends up compromising by only taking the gift money (which is exactly what he needs).
The wig that Barbara Stanwyck (the actress of Phyllis) wore was chosen to make her look as âsleazyâ as possible, make her look insincere and a fraud, a manipulator. A sort of cheapness. Aventurineâs flashy peacock-esque outfit can be sort of seen as something similar, except the outfit isnât cheap.
Moving on to Ratioâs similarities to Neff⌠There isnât much to extrapolate here as Ratio is more of a side character in the grand scheme of Penacony, however this is what Iâve figured out.
Neff has dark hair. Ratio has dark purple hair.
Neff almost never refers to Phyllis by her name when speaking with her, only as âbabyâ. The few times he refers to her as Phyllis or Mrs. Dietrichson is during their first conversations and when he has to act like he doesnât know her. Ratio never calls Aventurine by his name when heâs around him â only as âgamblerâ, sometimes âdamnedâ or âdearâ (EN-only) gambler. Only in the Aventurine's Keeping Up With Star Rail episode does Ratio repeatedly say his name, and yet he still calls him by monikers like âgamblerâ or, bafflingly, a âsystem of chaos devoid of logicâ.
Both Neff and Ratio committed two betrayals: Neff on Mr. Dietrichson and Keyes, and Ratio on Sunday and Aventurine. With the former cases it was to reach the end of the trolley line, and with the latter it was on a man who had put his trust in him.
As for the differencesâŚ
Neff is described as someone whoâs not smart by his peers. Ratio is someone who is repeatedly idolised and put on a pedestal by other people.
Neff is excellent at pretending to not know nor care for Phyllis whenever he speaks about her with Keyes or when he and she are in a place that could land them in hot water (the office, the mansion when there are witnesses). His acting is on the same level as Phyllis. With Ratio itâs⌠complicated. While he does pull off the hater act well, he straight up isnât great at pretending not to care about Aventurineâs wellbeing.
Instead of getting his gunshot wound treated in the hospital like a normal person, Neff makes the absolutely brilliant decision of driving to his office and talking to a dictaphone for hours. Needless to say, this is something a medical doctor like Ratio would never do.
Now here's the thing. Though it's very easy to just look at Phyllis and Neff in the movie and go "okay, Aventurine is Phyllis and Ratio is Neff â end of story" and leave it at that, I find that they both take from the two leads in different ways. Let me explain. Beginning with Aventurine and NeffâŚ
Neff is the one who hatches the plan and encourages Phyllis to go through and claim the double indemnity clause in the first place. He is also the key player of his own risky plan, having to fake being the husband to enter the train as well as fake the death. Aventurine puts himself at great risk just by being in Sundayâs presence, and hoping that Sunday wouldnât figure out that the green stone he had uncovered wasnât the aventurine stone.
Adding onto the last point, Neff had fantasised about pulling off the perfect murder for a long time â the catalyst was simply him meeting Phyllis. Aventurine presumably sought out Ratio alone for his plan against Sunday.
Neff makes a roulette wheel analogy and talks about a pile of blue and yellow poker chips (the latter in the script only). I donât even have to explain why this is relevant here. (Aventurineâs Ultimate features a roulette wheel and the motif is on his belt, thigh strap, and back, too. And of course, Aventurine is all about his chips.)
Neff has certain ways to hide when heâs nervous, which include hiding his hands in his pockets when they were shaking, putting on glasses so people couldnât see his eyes. Aventurine hides his left hand behind his back when heâs nervous: Future Aventurine says that "they don't know the other hand is below the table, clutching [his] chips for dear life", and in multiple occasions such as the Final Victor LC, his character trailer, and even in his boss form in the overworld you can see that Aventurine hides his left hand behind his back. And he is also seen with his glasses on sometimes.
Neff says a bunch of stuff to make sure that Phyllis acts her part and does not act out of character (i.e. during their interactions at the market), like how Aventurine repeatedly tries to get Ratio back on track from his subpar acting.
Neff is always one step ahead of the game, and the only reason the plan blows up in his face is due to outside forces that he could not have foreseen (a witness, Keyes figuring out the plan, the broken leg). Aventurine meanwhile plays 5D chess and even with the odds against him, he uses everything he can to come out on the top (i. e. getting Acheron to kill him in the dream).
Even after coming home on the night of the murder, Neff still felt that everything could have gone wrong. Aventurine, with his blessed luck, occasionally wavers and fears everything could go wrong whenever he takes a gamble.
Neff was not put under surveillance by Keyes due to him being extensive with his alibi. After witnessing Robinâs death with eyewitnesses at the scene, the Family had accepted Aventurineâs alibi, though he would be under watch from the Bloodhounds according to Ratio.
Neff talks about the entire murder scheme to the dictaphone. Aventurine during Cat Among Pigeons also retells his plan, albeit in a more convoluted manner, what with his future self and all.
Continuing with Ratio and Phyllis, even with their personalities and motivations being quite different, they do have a few commonalities.
Phyllis was a nurse. Ratio is a medical doctor.
Her name is Greek of origin. Veritas Ratio, though his name is Latin, has Greco-Roman influences throughout his entire character.
The very first scene Phyllis appears in has her wearing a bath towel around her torso. Ratio loves to take baths to clear his mind.
Phyllis was instructed by Neff to be at the market every morning at eleven buying things. Ratio is seen in an auction house with his alabaster head on so no one could recognize him.
Phyllis mostly acts as an accomplice to the scheme, being the one to convince her husband to take the train instead. She is also generally seen only when Neff is involved. Ratio plays the same role as well, only really appearing in the story in relation to Aventurine as well as being the accomplice in Aventurineâs own death. Even him standing in the auction house randomly can be explained by the theory that he and Aventurine had attempted to destabilise Penaconyâs economy through a pump and dump scheme.
With these pointers out of the way, letâs take a closer look at select scenes from the film and their relation to the mission and the pair.Â
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[THE PHONE CALL â THE REVERIE HOTEL]
Before the murder, there is a scene with a phone call between Phyllis and Neff discussing the plan while Keyes is in the same room as Neff. Neff has to make sure that Keyes doesnât think of anything of the phone call, so he acts like heâs calling a âMargieâ, and says a bunch of stuff that sounds innocent out of context (âCanât I call you back, âMargieâ?â âWhat color did you pick out?â âNavy blue. I like that fineâ), but are actually hinting at the real plan all along (the suit that Mr. Dietrichson wears.)
In a roundabout way, the conversation between Ratio and Aventurine in the Reverie Hotel can be seen as the opposite of that scene â with the two talking about their supposed plan out loud on Penacony ground, a place where the Family (and in turn, Sunday) has eyes everywhere. Despite being in a âprivateâ room, they still act like they hate each other while airing out details that really do not make sense to air out if they really did meet the first time in Penacony (which they didnât â theyâve been on several missions beforehand). Itâs almost like they want a secret third person to know what they were doing, instead of trying to be hushed up about it. The TVs in the room that Sunday can look through based on Inherently Unjust Destiny â A Moment Among The Stars, the Bloodhound statue that disappears upon being inspected, the owl clock on the left which side eyes Ratio and Aventurine, all point to that Sunday is watching their every move, listening to every word.
Rewinding back to before the phone call, in one of the encounters at the marketplace where they âaccidentallyâ run into each other, Phyllis talks about how the trip was off. How her husband wouldnât get on the train, which was vital for their plan, because of a broken leg. All this, while pretending to be strangers by the passersby. You could say that the part where Ratio almost leaves because Aventurine had âruined the planâ is the opposite of this, as the husband breaking his leg was something they couldnât account for, while Aventurine âbeing short of a few feathersâ was entirely part of the plan.
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[QUESTIONING PHYLLIS â THE INTERROGATION]
This section is going to be a little longer as I will cover two scenes in the movie in a more detailed manner â Mr. Dietrichson signing the policy, and Phyllis being questioned â and how they are represented in the Sunday-Aventurine interrogation and the prior conversation between Ratio and Sunday in multitudes of ways.
Going about their plan, Neff has to make sure that Mr. Dietrichson signs the policy with the double indemnity clause without him knowing the details, all the while having Phyllis (and Lola) in the same room. He and Phyllis have to pretend that they donât know each other, and that this is just the standard accidental insurance process, instead of signing what would be his downfall. To sell it, he gets Mr. Dietrichson to sign two âcopiesâ of the form, except with Mr. Dietrichsonâs second signature, heâs duped into signing the accident insurance policy with the respective clause.
You can tie this to how Ratio goes to Sunday in order to âexposeâ the lie that the suitcase didnât actually contain the Aventurine Cornerstone, as well as there being more than one Cornerstone involved in the scheme. Ratio must make sure that Sunday truly believes that he dislikes Aventurineâs company, while also making sure that Sunday doesnât figure out the actual aventurine stone is broken and hidden in the gift bag. The scheme turns out to be successful, as Sunday retrieves the two Cornerstones, but not the aventurine stone, and truly does think that the green stone he has in his possession is the aventurine.
This whole scene with Sunday is also reminiscent of the interrogation scene in the middle of the movie, where Phyllis was questioned by the boss (Norton) who was deducing that Mr. Dietrichson's death was a suicide, not accidental death. Neff, Phyllis, Keyes and Norton were all in the same room, and Neff and Phyllis had to act like they never knew the other. Phyllis acts like she knows nothing about what Norton insinuates about her husband and eventually, Phyllis explodes in anger and storms out the room, even slamming the door. Her act is very believable to any outsider.
Now back to the Ratio and Sunday conversation. One glaring difference between the movie and here is that his acting isnât great compared to either Phyllis nor Neff. It never was throughout the Penacony mission. He even comes very close to breaking character several times, and is even defending Aventurine in a somewhat aggressive manner during his one-on-one conversation with Sunday, as in he literally tells Sunday to see a shrink. Itâs very different from the way he was acting in Herta Space Station â like Ratio cares about Aventurine too much to keep his hands off.
It's also worth pointing out that Neff doesn't speak a word when Phyllis was being interrogated. Similarly, Ratio is silent throughout the entire scene with Sunday and Aventurine, with his only âlineâ being a âhmâ. When Aventurine calls him a wretch to his face, all he does is look to the side. In fact, he can only look at Aventurine when the other isnât staring back. Almost like him uttering a single word would give them away. Or his acting is terrible when it has to do with Aventurine, as he has no issue doing the same thing in Crown of the Mundane and Divine (Mundane Troubles).
So, Sunday finds out about the Cornerstones and reveals them to Aventurine, and reasons that he cannot give them back to him because Aventurine had lied. Note that in that same scene, Aventurine attempted to use the two murders that had occurred beforehand against Sunday to retrieve his own cornerstone. Similarly, when it was revealed that Mr. Dietrichson did not know about the accident policy and that the so-called âaccidental deathâ was not, in fact, accidental, the insurance company refused to pay out the money.
Unlike the movie, this was all planned, however. The double-crossing by Ratio, the gift money being the only thing required for Aventurineâs real plan. All of it was an act of betrayal against Sunday, in the same manner as the meticulous planning as Mr. Dietrichsonâs murder â To sign the policy, get him to take the train, kill him on the way, and to have Neff pose as the husband on the train until the time is right to get off and lay the body on the tracks. A key difference is that they could not have expected their scheme to be busted wide open due to forces outside of their control, while Ratio and Aventurine went straight down the line for the both of them no matter what.
From here on out, we can conclude that the way Ratio and Aventurine present themselves in Penacony to onlookers is in line with Neff and Phyllis.
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[âGOODBYE, BABYâ â FINAL VICTOR]
And now for the (in)famous light cone, Final Victor. The thing that truly kickstarted the Ratio and Aventurine ship in the fanbase, and the partnership between the two in general. Itâs a direct reference to the final confrontation between Neff and Phyllis in the movie.
Iâll fire through all the similarities between the two scenes.
During the respective scenes, Aventurine and Phyllis both outsmart their partner one way or the other: Aventurine with his one-sided game of Russian Roulette, and Phyllis hiding her gun underneath the cushions until Neff turned away.
The guns are owned by Phyllis and Aventurine, not Neff and Ratio.
Phyllis couldnât bring herself to fire any more shots after she realised she truly did love Neff. Ratio could do nothing but watch as Aventurine did what he did â he couldnât even pull away if the LC animation is anything to go by him struggling as Aventurine firmly keeps the gun to his chest.
Neff says he doesnât buy (believe) that Phyllis loved him. She then goes âIâm not asking you to buy [âŚ]â. The LC description has Aventurine ask Ratio âYou donât believe me?â, while in the LC animation Ratio straight up says âYou expect me to believe you?â and Aventurine answering âWhy not, doctor/professor?â
The visual composition of the LC and the scene are nearly identical, from the lighting to the posing to the way Aventurine looks at Ratio â Aventurine and Ratio are even wearing different outfits to fit the scene better. The background in the LC is also like the blinders in the movie, just horizontal.
In the shot where Phyllisâ face is more visible, the way she looks at Neff is strikingly like the way provocatively looks at Ratio. Even their eyes have a visible shine â Phyllisâ eyes brightly shining the moment she realised she really fell in love with Neff, and Aventurine having just a little light return to his eyes in that specific moment.
And now the differences!
Neff holds the gun in his right hand. Aventurine makes Ratio hold his gun in his left.
Neff is the one who takes the gun from Phyllisâ hand. Aventurine is the one who places the gun in Ratioâs hand and fires it.
Three gunshots are fired. In the movie, Phyllis shoots the first shot and Neff the second and third. Aventurine unloads the gun and leaves only one bullet for this game of Russian Roulette. He pulls the trigger three times, but they all turn out to be blanks.
Phyllis does not break her façade of not smiling until the very last moment where she gets shot. Aventurine is smiling the entire time according to the light cone description, whilst in the animation, itâs only when he guides the gun to his chest that he puts it on.
So, you know how Neff meets Phyllis and it all goes off the rails from there. The way Neff goes from a decent guy to willingly involve himself in a murder scheme, having his morals corrupted by Phyllis. His world having been turned upside down the moment he lays eyes on Phyllis in that first meeting. Doesnât that sound like something that happened with the Final Victor LC? Ratio, a man all about logic and rationality â a scholar with eight PhDs to his name â all of that is flipped on its head the moment Aventurine pulls out his gun in their first meeting and forces Ratio to play a game of Russian roulette with him. Aventurine casually gambles using his own life like itâs nothing and seemingly without fear (barring his hidden left hand). All or nothing â and yet Aventurine comes out alive after three blanks. Poetic, considering thereâs a consumable in the game called âAll or Nothingâ which features a broken chess piece and a poker chip bound together by a tie. The poker chip obviously represents the gambler, but the chess piece specifically stands for Ratio because he plays chess in his character trailer, his Keeping Up With Star Rail episode and his introduction is centred around him playing chess with himself. Plus, the design of the chess piece has golden accents, similar to his own chess set. In the end, Aventurine will always be the final victor.
Furthermore, Neff had deduced that Phyllis wanted to kill her husband and initially wanted no part in it, but in a subsequent visit it was his own idea that they trigger the double indemnity clause for more money. As the movie progresses though, he starts to have his doubts (thanks in part to him befriending Lola) and makes the move to kill Phyllis when everything starts to come to light. Itâs strikingly similar to how Ratio initially wanted no part in whatever Aventurine had in mind when they first met, but in the subsequent missions where they were paired up, he willingly goes along with Aventurine's risky plans, and they come to trust each other. Enough so that Aventurine and Ratio can go to Penacony all on their own and put on an act, knowing that nobody in the IPC other than them can enter the Dreamscape. The mutual respect grew over time, instead of burning passionately before quickly fizzling out like in the movie.
Basically, in one scene, three shots (blanks) start a relationship, and in the other, it ends a relationship. In the anan magazine interview with Aventurine, he says himself that âform[ing] an alliance with just one bulletâ with Ratio was one of his personal achievements. The moment itself was so impactful for both parties that it was immortalised and turned into a light cone.
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[THE ENDING â GOLDEN HOUR]
The ending of Double Indemnity that made it into the final cut has Neff continue his confession on the dictaphone until he realised that he wasnât alone in the room. Keyes had come inside at some point, but none had said a thing, only listening to a dead man speak of his crime. When Neff sees Keyes, they talk for a moment, Neff says he plans on fleeing to Mexico. Keyes does not think he will make it. He tries to leave, only to collapse at the front of the elevator, Keyes following just behind him. Neff attempts to light a cigar but is too weak to do so, so Keyes does it for him.
Parts of the ending can still be attributed to the interrogation scene between Sunday and Aventurine, so Iâll make this quick before moving on to the conversation in Heaven Is A Place On Earth, Ratio and Aventurineâs final conversation together. Once Sunday mentions how quickly Aventurine gave up the suitcase, he inflicts the Harmonyâs consecration on him, which forces Aventurine to confess everything that Sunday asks of. In a way, itâs the opposite of what happens in the movie â where Neff willingly tells the truth about the murder to his coworker. Aventurine does not like Sunday, and Neff is close to Keyes. Ratio also does not speak, similarly to how Keyes didnât speak and stood silently off to the side.
Post-interrogation in Golden Hour, Ratio worriedly prods at Aventurine and asks him about his plan. He then gives him the Mundaniteâs Insight with the Doctorâs Advice inside when Aventurine tells him to leave. Throughout Heaven Is A Place On Earth, Aventurine gets weaker and his head starts to buzz, until he falls to the ground before he can hand in the final gems. Similarly, Neff progressively grows weaker as he records his confession. Keyes says heâs going to call a doctor and Neff says heâs planning to go to Mexico. And when Neff collapses near the elevator, they talk one final time and Keyes lights Neffâs cigar as the other was too weak to do so himself.
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[OPPOSITE TIMELINES AND DEVELOPMENTS]
Remember how I said the way certain events happen in the movie and the game are mostly opposite and reverse of one another?Â
The Final Victor LC is the first meeting of Ratio and Aventurine, and Neff killing Phyllis is their final meeting.
Between that first and last meeting between Phyllis and Neffâs whirlwind romance, their relationship becomes strained which ultimately leads to Neff not trusting whatever Phyllis has to say at the end point of the movie. As for Ratio and Aventurine, the exact opposite had happened, to the point where Ratio trusts Aventurine enough to go along with his plans even if they went against his own ideals. The basis of the mission involved Veritas Ratio, whose full name includes the Latin word for âtruthâ, lying the entire time on Penacony.
Aventurine is sentenced to the gallows by Sunday after his unwilling interrogation. The movie starts and ends with Neff willingly confessing everything to Keyes.
It bears repeating, but I have to make it so clear that the trust between Ratio and Aventurine runs incredibly deep. Being able to predict what your partner says and thinks and plans in a mission as critical as the Penacony project is not something first-time co-workers can pull off flawlessly. All the while having to put on masks that prevent you from speaking sincerely towards one another lest you rat yourselves out. You have no way of contacting outside reinforcements from within Penacony, as the rest of the IPC are barred from entering. To be able to play everybody for fools while said fools believe you yourselves have handed your case on a silver platter requires a lot â trust, knowledge of the other, past experience, and so on. With Phyllis and Neff, the trust they had had been snuffed out when Neff grew closer to Lola and found out what kind of person Phyllis truly was on the inside. Phyllis did not trust nor love Neff enough and was going behind his back to meet with Zachette to possibly take Neff and Lola out. And the whole reason Neff wanted to perpetrate the murder was due to him being initially taken by Phyllis' appearance, which single handedly got the ball rolling on the crime.
Now then, how come trust is one of the defining aspects of Aventurine and Ratioâs relationship, when Phyllis and Neffâs trust eventually lead to both their deaths at the hands of the other? Sure, this can be explained away with the opposite theory, but thereâs one other relationship involving Neff which I havenât brought up in excruciating detail yet. The other side of Ratio and Aventurineâs relationship.
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[NEFF & KEYES â AVENTURINE & RATIO]
Here is where it gets more interesting â while Phyllis and Neff are at the centre point of the movie, there is another character to whom Neff has a close relationship with â Keyes. Itâs also the only relationship with no pretences, at least, until the whole murder thing happened and Neff had to hide his involvement from Keyes. Watching the movie, I couldn't help but feel there was something more to the two than meets the eye. I knew that queer readings of the film existed, but I didn't think too much of them until now. And though Aventurine and Ratio parallel Phyllis and Neff respectively, the fact that they also have traits of their opposite means that it wouldnât be completely out of the question if parts of their relationship were also influenced by Keyes and Neff on a deeper and personal level. Let me explain.
Keyes and Neff were intimate friends for eleven years and have shown mutual respect and trust towards one another. They understood each other on a level not seen with Phyllis and Neff. Even after hearing Neff confess his crimes through the dictaphone (and eventually standing in the same room while Neff confessed), he still cared for the other man, and stayed with him when Neff collapsed at the front door. The only reason Keyes hadnât deduced that it was Neff who was behind the murder was because he had his absolute trust in him. Keyes is also Neffâs boss, and they are always seen exchanging playful banter when they are on screen together. Neff even says the words âI love you, tooâ twice in the movie â first at the beginning and second at the end, as the final line. Thereâs also the persistent theme of Neff lighting Keyesâ cigarettes (which happens in every scene where they are face-to-face), except in the end where itâs Keyes who lights Neffâs.
Doesnât that sound familiar? Mutual respect, caring too much about the other person, the immense amount of trust⌠Ratio says heâs even the manager of the Penacony project (which may or may not be a lie), and despite their banter being laced with them acting as âenemiesâ, you can tell that in Dewlight Pavilion pre-Sunday confrontation that Aventurine genuinely likes Ratioâs company and believes him to be a reliable person. From the way he acts carefree in his words to the thoughts in his head, as seen in the mission descriptions for Double Indemnity. Their interactions in that specific mission are possibly the closest thing to their normal way of speaking that we get to see on Penacony.
Not to mention, this is the way Neff describes Keyes. He even says (not in the script) âyou never fooled me with your song and dance, not for a second.â Apart from the line about the cigar ashes, doesnât this ring a bell to a certain doctor? âJerkâ with a heart of gold?
After solving the puzzle with the statues, Ratio jokingly offers Aventurine to join the Genius Society. Aventurine then goes "Really? I thought youâve given up on that already", and then Ratio says it was, in fact, a joke. Solving the puzzle through brute force has Ratio telling Aventurine that the Council of Mundanites (which Ratio himself is a part of) should consider him a member. In the movie, where the scene with the phone call with Neff and Phyllis reiterating details of their plan happens, Keyes actually offered Neff a better job (specifically a desk job, as Keyesâ assistant). The two pairs saw the other as smart, equals, and were invested in each otherâs careers one way or another.
Because of all this, the character parallels for this side of the relationship are as follows:
Aventurine - Walter Neff
Veritas Ratio - Barton Keyes
With the way Iâve talked about how Aventurine and Ratio take from both leads in terms, it does fit to say that Aventurine is Neff, and Ratio is Keyes in this layer of their relationship. Since weâre on the topic of Keyes, let me also go through some similarities with him and Ratio specifically.
Keyes says the words âdimwitted amateursâ in his first on-screen conversation with Neff. You canât have Dr. Ratio without him talking about idiocy in some way.
Keyes almost only appears in the movie in relation to Neff, and barring a single interaction in Neffâs house, is also only seen in the office. Same with Phyllis, Ratio also only ever appears regarding Aventurine.
Keyes genuinely wanted the best for Neff, even offering to celebrate with him when he thought the case truly had been busted wide open by forces when Zachette entered the picture. You could say the same for Ratio, as he hoped that Aventurine wouldnât dwell on the past according to his response on Aventurineâs Interview, as well as telling him to âstay alive/live on (CN)â and wishing him the best of luck in his Doctorâs Advice note.
Whether or not you believe that there was more going on with Neff and Keyes is up to you, but what matters is that the two were very close. Just like Ratio and Aventurine.
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[THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING]
Something that I hadnât seen brought up is the original ending of Double Indemnity, where Neff is executed in a gas chamber while Keyes watches on, shocked, and afterwards leaves somberly. The ending was taken out because they were worried about the Hays Code, but I felt it was important to bring it up, because in a way, you can kind of see the Sunday interrogation scene as Sunday sending Aventurine to his death in seventeen system hours. And Ratio doesnât speak at all in that scene, and Keyes doesnât either according to the script.
Another thing thatâs noteworthy is that Wilder himself said âthe story was about the two guysâ in Conversations with Wilder. The two guys in question are Keyes and Neff.
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[THE NOVEL]
With the original film ending covered, now it is time to bring up the novel by James M. Cain. I bought the book just to read about the differences between the adaptation and the original source material, and to list a few more similarities and opposites I could gather. For this section alone, due to the changes in the (last) names of certain characters, I will be referring to Walter Huff (Neff in the movie) as Walter, and Mr. Dietrichson as Nirdlinger. The plot is pretty much the same as the movieâs apart from a couple of changes so there isnât a need to recount everything.
From my two read-throughs of the novel, these are the following passages that stood out to me the most. Starting with Aventurine:
Walter, as a top businessman of the company, knows how to sway a deal and to get what he truly wants with what the other gives him. Aventurine is the same, reliant on his intuition, experience and whatever information he has on the table to claim the win. Him luring out Sparkle in Heaven Is A Place On Earth and his conversation with Acheron in the Nihility is indicative of that.
⢠"But you sell as many people as I do, you don't go by what they say. You feel it, how the deal is going. And after a while I knew this woman didn't care anything about the Automobile Club. Maybe the husband did, but she didn't. There was something else, and this was nothing but a stall. I figured it would be some kind of a proposition to split the commission, maybe so she could get a ten-spot out of it without the husband knowing. There's plenty of that going on. And I was just wondering what I would say to her."Â
Phyllis, like in the movie, had been hiding her true intentions of talking to Walter in their first conversations, always saying things that she didnât actually mean. In a similar vein, Aventurine consistently says stuff but almost never truly means any of it, which is all part of his façade.
⢠"And I could feel it again, that she wasn't saying what she meant. It was the same as it was the first afternoon I met her, that there was something else, besides what she was telling me. And I couldn't shake it off, that I had to call it on her."
When discussing the murder plan with Phyllis, Walter makes this comment, kind of like how Aventurine seems to operate in a way where he has a plan, but is ready to improvise and think fast when needed.
⢠"And then it's one of those things where you've got to watch for your chance, and you can't plan it in advance, and know where you're going to come out to the last decimal point."
Remember the roulette wheel line from the movie? In the novel, the gambling metaphor that Walter makes about the insurance business goes on for two paragraphs, mentioning a gambling wheel, stack of chips, a place with a big casino and the little ivory ball, even about a bet on the table. Walter also talks about how he thinks of tricks at night after being in the business for so long, and how he could game the system. Needless to say, insanely reminiscent of Aventurine.
⢠"You think Iâm nuts? All right, maybe I am. But you spend fifteen years in the business Iâm in, and maybe a little better than that, itâs the friend of the widow, the orphan, and the needy in time of trouble? Itâs not. Itâs the biggest gambling wheel in the world. It donât look like it, but it is, from the way they figure the percentage on the oo to the look on their face when they cash your chips. You bet that your house will burn down, they bet it wonât, thatâs all. What fools you is that you didnât want your house to burn down when you made the bet, and so you forget itâs a bet. To them, a bet is a bet, and a hedge bet donât look any different than any other bet. But there comes a time, maybe, when you do want your house to burn down, when the money is worth more than the house. And right there is where the trouble starts." ⢠"Alright, Iâm an agent. Iâm a croupier in that game. I know all their tricks, I lie awake thinking up tricks, so Iâll be ready for them when they come at me. And then one night I think up a trick, and get to thinking I could crook the wheel myself if I could only put a plant out there to put down my bet." ⢠"I had seen so many houses burned down, so many cars wrecked, so many corpses with blue holes in their temples, so many awful things that people had pulled to crook the wheel, that that stuff didnât seem real to me anymore. If you donât understand that, go to Monte Carlo or some other place where thereâs a big casino, sit at a table, and watch the face of the man that spins the little ivory ball. After youâve watched it a while, ask yourself how much he would care if you went out and plugged yourself in the head. His eyes might drop when he heard the shot, but it wouldnât be from the worry whether you lived or died. It would be to make sure you didnât leave a bet on the table, that he would have to cash for your estate. No, he wouldnât care."
Returning home from the murder, Walter attempted to pray, but was unable to do it. Some time passed and after speaking to Phyllis, he prayed. Aventurine presumably hadnât done the prayer ever since the day of the massacre, and the first time he does it again, he does it with his child self.
⢠"I went to the dining room and took a drink. I took another drink. I started mumbling to myself, trying to get so I could talk. I had to have something to mumble. I thought of the Lord's Prayer. I mumbled that, a couple of times. I tried to mumble it another time, and couldn't remember how it went." ⢠"That night I did something I hadnât done in years. I prayed."
Phyllis in the book is much more inclined towards death than her movie version, even thinking of herself as a personification of death. Sheâs killed ten other people (including infants) prior to the events of the novel. Something to keep in mind as Aventurine had mentioned several times that he attempted to kill himself in the dream, plus his leadup to his âgrandest deathâ. Just like Phyllis, heâs even killed at least a few people before, though the circumstances of that were less on his own volition and more so for the sake of his survival (i.e. the death game in the maze involving the 34 other slaves where he was the winner and another time where he murdered his own master). Instead of Phyllis playing the active role of Death towards everybody else, Aventurine himself dances with Death with every gamble, every time his luck comes into play. Danse Macabre.
⢠"But thereâs something in me, I donât know what. Maybe Iâm crazy. But thereâs something in me that loves Death. I think of myself as Death, sometimes." ⢠"Walter, The time has come. For me to meet my bridegroom [Death]. The only one I ever loved."
Moving on to Ratio:
Walter says several times that itâs hard to get along with Keyes, and how he says nice things after getting you all worked up. A hard-headed man to get along with, but damn good at his job. Sound like someone familiar?
⢠"That would be like Keyes, that even when he wanted to say something nice to you, he had to make you sore first." ⢠"It makes your head ache to be around him, but heâs the best claim man on the Coast, and he was the one I was afraid of."
Keyes sees Walter as smarter than half the fools in the company. Ratio can only stand the company of Aventurine in regards to the IPC.
⢠"Walter, I'm not beefing with you. I know you said he ought to be investigated. I've got your memo right here on my desk. That's what I wanted to tell you. If other departments of this company would show half the sense that you showâ" ⢠"Oh, he confessed. He's taking a plea tomorrow morning, and that ends it. But my point is, that if you, just by looking at that man, could have your suspicions, why couldn't theyâ! Oh well, what's the use? I just wanted you to know it."
After going on a rant about the H.S. Nirdlinger case (Phyllisâ husband) and how Norton is doing a horrible job, he ends it by saying that itâs sheer stupidity. âSupreme idiocyâ, anybody?
⢠"You canât take many body blows like this and last. Holy smoke. Fifty thousand bucks, and all from dumbness. Just sheer, willful, stupidity!"
Phyllisâ former occupation as a nurse is more elaborated on, including her specialization â pulmonary diseases. One of Ratioâs crowning achievements is curing lithogenesis, the âKing of Diseasesâ.
⢠"Sheâs one of the best nurses in the city of Los Angeles. [âŚ] Sheâs a nurse, and she specialized in pulmonary diseases. She would know the time of crisis, almost to a minute, as well as any doctor would."
As for the murder scheme, they talk about it a lot more explicitly in the novel. Specifically, Walter mentions how a single person cannot get away with it and that it requires more people to be involved. How everything is known to the party committing the crime, but not the victim. And most importantly: Audacity.
"Say, this is a beauty, if I do say it myself. I didn't spend all this time in the business for nothing, did I? Listen, he knows all about this policy, and yet he don't know a thing about it. He applies for it, in writing, and yet he don't apply for it. He pays me for it with his own check, and yet he don't pay me. He has an accident happen to him and yet he don't have an accident happen to him. He gets on the train, and yet he don't get on it."
"The first is, help. One person can't get away with it, that is unless they're going to admit it and plead the unwritten law or something. It takes more than one. The second is, the time, the place, the way, all known in advanceâto us, but not him. The third is, audacity. That's the one that all amateur murderers forget. They know the first two, sometimes, but that third, only a professional knows. There comes a time in any murder when the only thing that can see you through is audacity, and I can't tell you why."
"And if we want to get away with it, we've got to do it the way they do it, [âŚ]" "Be bold?" "Be bold. It's the only way."
"I still don't knowâwhat we're going to do." "You'll know. You'll know in plenty of time."
"We were right up with it, the moment of audacity that has to be be part of any successful murder."
It fits the situation that Aventurine and Ratio find themselves in extremely well: For the first pointâ Aventurine would not be able to get away with simply airing out details by himself, as that would immediately cast suspicion on him. Having another person accompany him who not only isnât really a part of the IPC in name (as the IPC and The Family have a strenuous relationship) but would probably be able to get closer to Sunday because of that means they can simply bounce off each other without risking as much suspicion with a one-man army. Which is exactly what Ratio and Aventurine do in the conversations they have on Penacony. Secondly â they knew how Sunday operates: as a control freak, he leaves no stone unturned, which is how he became Head of the Oak Family, so their acting required them to give off the impression that a. they hated each other, b. Ratio would go against Aventurineâs wishes and expose him in return for knowledge, c. there were only the two Cornerstones that were hidden. This would give Sunday the illusion of control, and lead to Sunday to lower his guard long enough for Aventurine to take the gift money in the end. The pair knew this in advance, but not Sunday. And thirdly â the plan hinged on a high-level of risk. From breaking the Aventurine Cornerstone, to hoping that Sunday wouldnât find it in the gift bag, to not telling Ratio what the true plan is (meaning Ratio had to figure it out on his own later on), to Sunday even buying Ratioâs story, it was practically the only way they could go about it. âCharming audacityâ, indeed.
An interesting aspect about the novel is that the ending of the novel is divergent from the movieâs final cut and the original ending: Phyllis and Walter commit suicide during a ferry ride to Mexico. The main reason this was changed for the movie was because of the Hays Code, and they wouldnât allow a double suicide to be screened without reprecussions for criminals. Thereâs also a bunch of other aspects that differentiate the novel from the movie (no narration-confession as the confession happens in a hospital, less characterization for Keyes and instead a bigger focus on Lola and her boyfriend, the focus on the murderous aspect of Walter and Phyllisâ relationship instead of actual romance, Walter falling in love with Lola (with an unfortunately large age gap attached), etc.)
As for the ending, this wouldnât even be the first romance media reference related to Aventurine and Ratio where both the leads die, with the other being The Happy Prince and San Junipero (in relation to the EN-only Heaven Is A Place On Earth reference), which I normally would chalk up as a coincidence, though with the opposite line-of-thought I have going on here (and the fact that itâs three out of four media references where the couple die at the endâŚ), I think itâs reasonable to say that Ratio and Aventurine will get that happy ending. Subverting expectations, hopefully.
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[THE HAYS CODE â LGBT CENSORSHIP IN CHINA]
Iâve brought up the Hays code twice now in the previous two sections, but I havenât actually explained what exactly it entails.
The Hays Code (also known as the Motion Picture Production Code) is a set of rules and guidelines imposed on all American films from around 1934 to 1968, intended to make films less scandalous, morally acceptable and more âsafeâ for the general audiences. Some of the âDonâtsâ and âBe Carefulsâ include but are not limited toâŚ
(Donât) Pointed profanity
(Donât) Inference of sex perversion (which includes homosexuality)
(Donât) Nudity
(Be Careful) Sympathy for criminals
(Be Careful) Use of firearms
(Be Careful) Man and woman in bed together
What does this have to do with a Chinese gacha game released in 2023? If you know a little bit about miHoYoâs past, you would know that pre-censorship laws being upheld to a much stronger and stricter degree, they had no problem showcasing their gay couples in Guns Girl Z (Honkai Gakuen 2/GGZ) and Honkai Impact 3rd, with the main three being Bronya/Seele, Kiana/Mei (admittedly the latter one is a more recent example, from 2023), and Sakura/Kallen. Ever since the Bronya and Seele kiss, censorship in regards to LGBT content ramped up, causing the kiss to be removed on the CN side, and they had to lay low with the way they present two same-sex characters who are meant to be together. They canât explicitly say that two female or male characters are romantically involved, but they can lace their dynamics with references for those âin the knowâ â Subtext. Just enough to imply something more but not too much that they get censored to hell and back.
So what Iâm getting at is this: The trouble that Double Indemnity had to go through in order to be made while also keeping the dialogue of Phyllis and Neff as flirtatious as they could under the Hays Code among other things is quite similar to the way Ratio and Aventurine are presented as of now. We never see them interact outside of Penacony (at least up until 2.2, when this post was drafted), so we can only infer those interactions specifically until they actually talk without the fear of being found out by Sunday. But, thereâs still some small moments scattered here and there, such as when Aventurine goes near Ratio in the Dewlight Pavilion Sandpit, he exclaims that âthe view here is breathtakingâ (he can only see Ratioâs chest from that distance) and that Ratio could âeasily squash [him] with just a pinchâ. Ratio then goes âIf that is your wish, I will do so without a momentâs hesitation.â Not to mention the (in)famous âDoctor, youâre huge!â quote.
Itâs not a coincidence that Ratio and Aventurine have three explicit references to romance media (Double Indemnity, Spellbound, Oscar Wildeâs The Happy Prince), possibly even four if you take the EN-only Heaven Is A Place On Earth as a reference to Black Mirrorâs San Junipero. Itâs not a coincidence that the storylines or characters of said references parallel the pairing, from surface-level to deep cuts. Itâs not a coincidence that the CN voice actors were asked to âtone it downâ by the voice director when it came to their chemistry. Itâs not a coincidence that Aventurine has only flirted with (three) men throughout Penacony, even referring to a Bloodhound NPC as a âhunk of a manâ inside his thoughts, all the while ignoring Himeko and Robin when it came to their looks â women who are known across the cosmos with a myriad of adoring fans. There are so many other so-called âcoincidencesâ related to the two that you could make an iceberg just based on versions 2.0-2.2 as well as content miHoYo themselves have put out on social media. They absolutely knew what they were doing, and were trying to get their point across through subtle means â the extent they went to with the Double Indemnity reference while also keeping it under wraps from a âsurfaceâ level point of view is proof of this â the implications are there if you take the time to look for them, and are simply hard to ignore or deny once you do find them.
â
[CONCLUSION]
This was supposed to be short considering the other analyses Iâve seen were also pretty short in comparison, but I couldnât get the movie out of my head and ended up getting carried away in the brainrot. I hope you could follow along with my line of thinking, even with the absurd length of this post, and the thirty-image limit. I tried to supplement context with some links to videos and wiki pages among other sources wherever I can to get around it.
I will end it with this though â the love in the movie turned out to be fake and a farce, going off track from what was a passionate romance in the beginning because of the murder scheme. Meanwhile, the whole reason why Ratio and Aventurine can pull off whatever they want is because of their immense trust in one another. What was initially shown to be distrust in the Final Victor LC grew into something more, for Ratio, someone who would have never put faith into mere chance and probability before this, put his trust in Aventurine, of all people.
TL;DR â (I get it, itâs over ten thousand words.)
Not only is the relationship between Neff and Phyllis represented in the deception and acting side of Ratio and Aventurine, but the real and trusting side is shown in Neff and Keyes. They have a fascinating, multi-layered dynamic that is extremely fun to pick apart once you realise whatâs going on underneath the bickering and âhatredâ they display.
Many thanks to Manya again for making the original thread on the movie. I wouldnât be here comparing the game and movie myself if it werenât for that.
By the way, I really do believe that Shaoji totally watched this movie at least once and really wanted that Double Indemnity AU for his OCs. I know exactly how it feels.
â
Other points I'd like to mention that didn't fit anywhere else in the main analysis and/or donât hold much significance, have nothing to do with the Penacony mission, or may even be considered reaching (...if some of the other points werenât). Just some potentially interesting side bits.
Phyllis honks three times to signal Neff to go for the kill. That, and the three gunshots in the confrontation. Aventurine is all about the number three.
The height difference Aventurine and Ratio have going on is close to Phyllis and Neffâs.
Phyllis had killed her husbandâs previous wife and went on to marry Mr. Dietrichson, pretty much taking the wifeâs place. Aventurine killed his previous master, and had taken certain attributes from him like his wristwatch and the rings on his hand and the âall or nothingâ mantra.
When calling Ratio a wretch (bastard), Aventurine smiles for a moment. This is exclusive to the EN, KR and JP voiceovers, as in CN, he does not smile at all. (Most definitely a quirk from the AI they use for lip syncing, but the smile is something thatâs been pointed out quite a few times so I thought Iâd mention it here.)
Sunday specifically says in the CN version that he knew of Aventurine's plans the moment Aventurine left the mansion, meaning that he realized he had been played the fool the moment Ratio and Aventurine talked in Golden Hour
In the description for the "All or Nothing" consumable, teenage Aventurine says this specific line: "Temptation is a virtue for mortals, whereas hesitation proves to be a fatal flaw for gamblers." According to Ratio, this is Aventurine's motto - he says as such in Aventurine's Keeping Up With Star Rail episode. Note that in the anan interview he explicitly says he does not have a motto, and yet Ratio in the video says otherwise. They definitely have to know each other for a while for Ratio to even know this.
A big reason why Neff even pulled off the murder scheme in the first place was because he wanted to see if his good friend Keyes could figure it out, the Mundane Troubles Trailblaze Continuance showcases Ratio attempting to teach the Herta Space Station researches a lesson to not trust the Genius society as much as they did.
In Keyesâ first scene heâs exposing a worker for writing a policy on his truck that he claimed had burnt down on its own, when he was the one who burnt it down. Ratio gets into an Ace Attorney-style argument with the Trailblazer in Mundane Troubles.
Neff talks repeatedly about how it wonât be sloppy. Nothing weak. And how itâll be perfect to Phyllis, and how sheâs going to do it and heâs going to help her. Doing it right â âstraight down the lineâ. Beautifully ironic, considering what happens in the movie, and even more ironic as Ratio and Aventurineâs scheme went exactly the way they wanted to in the end. Straight down the line.
#honkai star rail#double indemnity#veritas ratio#aventurine#golden ratio#ratiorine#an attempt at analysis by one a-u#relationship analysis#you know whatâ i guess i can tag the other names of this ship#aventio#raturine#you could make a fucking tierlist of these names#umâ dynamics (yk what i mean) dont really matter here in the analysis just fyi if youre wondering its general enough#also if you're wondering about the compilation thread - its not done. it'll take a while (a long while.)#this post was so long it was initially just a tumblr draft that i then put into google docs. and it ended up being over 2k+ words long#is this a research paperâ thesisâ or essay? who knows! this just started as just a short analysis after watching the movie on may 5#final word count according to docs (excluding alt text): 13013 - 43 pages with formatting#i wish i could have added more images to thisâ 10k words vs 30 images really is not doing me any favoursâŚ#plusâ i hit the character limit for alt text for one of the images.#if you see me mixing up british and american spellingâ you probably have!#oh yeah. if any of the links happen to break at some point. do tell. i have everything backed up#there also may be multiple links strung togetherâ just so you know.#I link videos using the EN and CN voiceovers. Just keep that in mind if the jump between two languages seems sudden.#I had to copy and paste this thing from the original tumblr draft onto a new post because tumblr wouldn't let me edit the old one anymore.#Feels just like when I was finalising my song comicâŚ#(Note: I had to do this three times.)#I started this at May 5 as a way to pass the time before 2.2. You can probably tell how that turned out.#Did you know there is a limit to the amount of links you can add to a single tumblr post? It's 100. I hit that limit as well.#So if you want context for some of these parts... just ask.#I'm gonna stop here before I hit the tag limit (30) as well LMAOO (never mind I just did.)
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chat what do u do if ur captain suddenly sighs disappointedly while you're presenting
#call of duty#cod mw2#ghost cod#simon ghost riley#yes i googled cat puns#cod#john soap mactavish#captain mactavish#my art#featuring ghost and his puns#oh ghost... u can tell me all the puns you have#sry he got too bored and decided to make capt mactavish suffer instead#mmmm ive been in a soap mood for a while now#also... ill open kofi c0mms bc i have to prepare for my posting soon...#we've already paid for the course fees why r they telling us to purchase the equipments ourselves đ
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[Onlynude.men anon]
you can start by drawing [obscure character here]- Joking joking!!
Im just happy to help! And im very glad my catalog of random info actually helped someone! âĄâĄâĄ ૮âËśáľ áľ áľËśâá
AIGHT BET GIVE ME A CHARACTER ONLYNUDE.MEN ANON đđđđ
#i also operate on the barter system#tis only right after graciously sharing ur resources#i can use one of the references on the website if u want#yk unless if theyre not amab#and im telling u its a huge help like i tried googling websites other than reddit to use and i just saw stock photos or art books or smthn#franswers
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genshin oc redesign !! (2023 edition)
behold! an updated design of amika haider, my hijabi genshin oc from sumeru! it was almost two years ago that i sat down and went âhey wouldnât it be fun to have a character with a hijab be from sumeru because of the cultural ties?â only to make this character, and though we did not end up getting a sumeru oc with a hijab, i find the sumeru cast to have a special place in my heart (and take up about 80% of it)
hereâs her lore and old redesign!! if youâd like to check out the character blog, the url is @rainlight-oasis <3
for those whoâd prefer to see the old art, theyâre utc right here :)
2022 redesign (november)
the original (also in 2022 but back in january)
#⥠amareâs art!!#going thru my old art is such a nostalgia kick u can tell i switched art programs and the brushes i use#okay well actually idk if u can but im proud of myself nonetheless!!!#amika my skrunklybunkly oh how i wish to pinch ur cheeks like a good natured grandmother#tag time tag time!!!! boutta go insane w/o going into chara tags#amika haider#oc#genshin oc#genshin impact#genshin impact oc#oc art#genshin fanart#genshin impact fanart#my art#sumeru#genshin#original character#yes i grabbed the bg off of google light rays r SO good for bgs and i cannot draw them well#for those wondering what program i use: adobe fresco!! i dont recommend it too much actually but also it has brushes i like#if u want a symmetry tool uh. dont go to adobe fresco theyre still working on that#SORRY I GOT DISTRACTED BACK TO MY DESIGN THOUGHTS#this is the first time ive designed a weapon!!! this is what amikaâs sig weapon looks like she gets to ride it like a scoot-skate-thing#also i like how the designs go from pre-sumeru ac to sumeru ac to post-sumeru ac teehee#unfortunately the tiara is gone but maybe it will return somedayâŚâŚâŚ#it got switched out for a weapon in return tho so i think weâre good
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well folks i was completely unsuccessful in not allowing myself to work Any Further on html bullshit so anyway i have a brand new enemy now
#trousled rants#after three hours of work making it look good...............oooughhh the things i want to say would get my blog erased partyjockers style#i just want to do a brand new exrta-super-secret page why do you HATE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#FIRST IT WOULDNT LET ME USE A LINUX THEME NOW IT WONT LET ME USE A WINDOWS 95 ONE...........THEY WANT ME DEAD#the part that pisses me off most is that normal entire-blog themes let u use javascript so WHY IS THIS DIFFERENTTTT#WHY ARE YOU GONNA OFFER CUSTOM PAGE-SPECIFIC HTML IF YOU WONT LET ME USE ANY OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ahem . hi guys it's 3:30am and you can tell. im going to copy and paste all this shit into a google document and go to bed now i think
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"what kind of girls are you into?"
id in alt
#yuki tsukumo#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#reezarts#this is uhhhh#checks notes#a study on how to render muscular arms and abs#totally#totally NOT just me being gay for her#can u tell where i gave up#(hair and pants)#muscles.... buff women..... dies#also for the caption#i couldn't remember what yuki asked geto and didnt wanna google it#and then i realized wait i have that volume. and i walked over to nmy desk and flipped to the page lol#also#first time im looking at my art and thinking hm face could use more work#but also im scared of overworking it so fuck it we ball
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Missing 411 guy?
David Paulides, the guy who is the creator of "Missing 411" which is basically a conspiracy about suspicious clusters of people going missing in National Parks in the United States. He is also the bane of my existence for the past year as someone who is researching a story about someone who goes missing in a National Forest.
To start with, if you've ever been even on the fringes of "irl spooky stuff" videos on YouTube, you might have encountered this. There are a lot of youtubers and podcasters who cover this guy's content without understanding What and Who they are giving platform to. Sometimes, people don't even mention him but will relate the cases that he covers in his books or use the same conspiracy points as him. I would not be suprised if you watched a Buzzfeed Unsolved/Watcher video (which are fine btw) and then got recommended something related to Missing 411 in the sidebar since it's a similar genre. It's super popular to the point where its outgrown its creator. I can't stress enough that many of you have probably encountered this content, at least in passing, without knowing what it was.
So to recap, Missing 411 documents cases of real-life people who have disappeared or been found dead in national parks, national forests, etc and claims that these cases are unusual and mysterious. It frequently talks about missing person "clusters" and things like that. There is often an overt, if not outrightly stated, implication that something supernatural, crpytid, or UFO/alien related was involved. For starters, David Paulides has written a ton of books trying to prove the existence of bigfoot. Now, I have no issues with people believing in bigfoot, or cryptids, or aliens, but I do have an issue with people co-opting real life tragedies and twisting information to push this as conspiracy. I simply do not think it is helpful or respectful to talk about missing and dead people (and children!) like this. Also, with the high prices of his books ($100-200) he just reeks of grifter to me.
To me, Missing 411 "criteria" is a stretch at best. You will see cases "mysteriously" connected because both of these people wore red when they went missing. Both these people's bodies were found near water (as if many National Park do not have water features.) Both these people's bodies were found near granite rocks (like, the most common rock type in mountains lol.) All these cases involve the weather turning bad! (um, yeah, that's a big reason why people get in trouble?) He frequently claims that bodies being undressed is highly unusual, without ever acknowledging paradoxical undressing. Or he claims laughably weak connections between people like "these two women who went missing in different years are connected because they both had three letter names that started with A." I haven't personally listened to this talk but there is a data scientist mentioned in his Wikipedia page who examined the case data and found nothing out of the ordinary in them. If you don't want to watch a video (I don't either right now) then he also wrote this article. From a different person, this article from a podcast is also good.
David Paulides does not present Missing 411 cases with accuracy. He has been known to cherry-pick data and purposefully omit data to make them seem more unusual. Many cases he covers are either already solved, or have extensive information available. He does not retract information or admit when he is wrong. Even if he does present a particular case accurately, he has such a bad track record with reliable research that he cannot be trusted as a source. There used to be someone on reddit who would deconstruct cases he covered. In this post they found several instances of cases of Paulides missing sources and coming to incorrect conclusions.
Note there's a few differences in the sources I just linked. The data scientist and podcast skeptic both said they found the data to be accurate, while the redditors have found evidence to the contrary. The data scientist also says he found Paulides' presentation of information respectful, but I personally find all of this highly disrespectful. But despite these differences I think we can all agree....the claims of Missing 411 are pretty ridiculous.
Also, let's talk about David Paulides himself. Before becoming a writer, he was a cop in California. He was a cop who was fired for corruption (well that's hard to do), because he was caught soliciting donations for a fake charity he set up. That's straight from his Wikipedia page. He continues to use his past as a "dectective" to attempt to make his claims sound more reliable. There was also a redditor who pulled up some other career highlights from when he was a cop in the 80s, by looking at court transcripts and news articles. His job used to be entrap gay men by pretending to be gay, getting them to invite him home with them, and then arresting then. He and his unit were also accused of police brutality many times in the 80s, with Paulides testifying in defense of his unit. And he has not changed btw, he's a Qanon stolen election covid denier type of nut right now on his YouTube channel (according to reddit. I am not watching this man's videos.) So yeah, I think his character speaks for itself.
Anyway, I'm tired of hearing about this guy and seeing 411 related content pop up around YouTube, Reddit, Tiktok, etc. Pay attention if you watch things related to "creepy and unexplained real life disappearnaces." I do not think he is a good person, I do not think he can be trusted, and I do not think that his work actually benefits the families of the missing persons in question. These are real people. He turns them into spectacles to push ~unusual~ circumstances and paranormal activity.
#helppp can u tell i hate this dude#i have formed a deep abiding dislike of him after being subjected to his content#near constantly while working on my au#DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO RESEARCH MISSING PERSONS CASES IN NATIONAL FORESTS???#AND GETTING LEGIT RESULTS THAT DON'T MENTION MISSING 411??? I SEE HIM LIKE EVERY GOOGLE SEARCH#i have literally had to scrap information from sources because i consider mentioning missing 411 and david paulides#as an instant negative on a site's credibility for research#i started doing research on certain parts of my fic by writing -missing 411 in the search bar to exclude results mentioning it#quara asks#also i recognize that using reddit posts and podcast episodes to 'debunk' things this guy says is not necessarily a reliable source either#but it's not like something relatively niche like this is going to get some Big Official Takedown.#it's gonna be the redditors that dig into it#anyway you can tell that even in his official subreddit people are starting to hate him#whereas i first encountered missing 411 back in 2019 and people were into it hook line and sinker#but now even among his fans there's much more distrust
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People really are assholes over things for no reason. Why the fuck are people mad that you have the option to give a character vitiligo in baldurs gate 3?
#baldurs gate 3#gaming#vitiligo#as a white person with vitiligo#i wanted to use a character ive never had the chance to play irl who has vitiligo#so i googled it#and like the first google result is someone complaining about it!#and let me tell you. the takes are rancid#its like 90% respondents going who tf cares dude#1% someone underestimating how much time programming takes#and 4% the most rancid takes youve ever seen in your life#someone literally argued that less than 1% of the US population have vitiligo but will feel so special when they can make their characters#and will be excited bc theyre 'narcissists who can only relate to people that reflect them'#(as opposed to the copious dragonborn american population that get great representation)#(god forbid people have a character creation option that isnt relevant to you personally. would u like a fuckin tissue)#and aside from ya know#me being a lil snowflake who does feel nice when my characters can reflect part of me#this is an insane take to have when literally fallout 4 has vitiligo options#this shit isnt new youre just being a fucking baby#i speak#delete later
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what a day to be Palestinian
#tala.txt#I already know what some u will say and just to clarify#u can FORGET abt me kindly responding to dumbass asks#google is free use it!!!!!!#ppl still like one of my anon ask responses and if I cld go back#I would tell that anon to go fuck themself#palestine tag
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#ooc.#personal //#sorry again to come on here just to complain#but im in such a shit position i cant keep fucking doing this#im so wound up all the time#these tablets are meant to help me but so far all they've done is make me even more short tempered#i can't write#writing is usually my outletbut i can't fucking form a single sentence without hating it#i can't concentrate long enough to do anything worthwhile#and any typo i make makes me genuinely lose my top and see red#on top of that i can t help but spend my time convincing myself that people don't want anything to do with m e#i feel lik ei have to force any conversation i have with people who used to feel like they Want to talk to me#and now im sat here having a crying fit because i've been sat for an hour staring at both my blogs and my personal writing google doc and#not done a single productive thing#playing hsr is boring now too#tell me ur depressed without telling me your depressed :')#i hate it#i hate myself#this is so fucking exhausting but then i feel even worse if i just spend my days laying in bed doing nothing!#if i go radio silent then u all know why i guess
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Just learned today my dad has been trusting chat gpt for medical advice. i cannot emphasize this enough we as a species are on our last legs and we are not gonna make it to 2060
#and he got all grumpy when i told him chat gpt doesnt know anything its just saying literally whatever the fuck it wants#he was fine asking it about medicine and taking whatever it said at face value with NO sources like HELLO ARE U CRAZY??#at least on google u can tell if it a blurb is written by thesame compeny trying to sell u the supplements#im way more worried about parents being phone short form content addicted than babies like they have no natural defense against it#they didnt grow up expecting everything online to be a lie or someone trying to sell u shit they just believe whatever#last year my dad sent us a video of fireworks that was so clearly badly edited and he was like wow i cent believe they can do this now#sidney talks shit
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Just started 1899 and the Cantonese dialogue in the first episode has me shook . this means everything to me
#canto is so rare in western shows......most of the time its pretty mangled mandarin#sometimes i can tell that theyre making native canto speakers speak mandarin lmao#a lot of the times the dialogue sounds google-translated#but the dialogue in this show sounds rly natural and uses colloquialisms . im so shook . genuinely#it sounds like they put effort in u know?? like they asked actual canto speakers to write it or asked the actors for input idk#lets fucking go#text
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@lynns-art-blog đđĽ°
#bat wives bat wives#*screeches to find you with my incredible sonic (not the hedgehog) ears* *kisses u kisses u kisses u-*#lynn#bats#theyre lesbians harold#gay#queer#lgbtq#morxwar#lynn this will have been weeks ago by the time this gets outa queue#but for whaatever reason my spoon levels aare more ok with tags than messaging so storytime-#i was trying to get minecraft set up on computer since i wiped and reinstalled windows for more space#and the way its set up right now i can turn the monitor to see it from bed and use controller to play games from there#without having to sit at desk#but its a ps4 controller which obviously mc doesnt like (ive skipped the whole gd fiasco of just trying to remember/get logged in/get#account moved over from mojang đ that was an ordeal also)#but i googled and it was like 'haha download a mod for it dumbass' and i was like 'no bls sir im already having to download so many things#for the emulators is there another way' and find that you can??? open non steam games through steam?????? which i think ive seen something#about before but completely forgot about and have never tried doing. anyway. it has ezpz looking instructions and i dont have to download#anything else and im like aHA this will be way better and also easier#and...it must have been old instructions cos the places it was telling me to go/wording of settings werent quite matching up#and also it was like 'just pick minecraft from the list!:D!'#but minecraft was not in the list#it was nowhere to be found in that list where wAs it#had to browse manually and trying the game itself gave me a very dumb admin permissions error (i Am the admin you dumbass what do you meAN)#trying the other thing ...... worked???? but doesnt seem to actually#it pulled it into steam and technically i can select it from there and it launches minecraft#but launches it very outside steam with i feel like the whole point of launching from in steam is to..open it..in steam....? but ig maybe#not idk maybe its a glorified shortcut so all your games are accessible from one place or smth#anyway several other conundrums later i eventually got it to Theoretically be set up how the steps said to
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i made these meatball things owo
#stream#food#food tw#yes i finished them at like 4.30a#so what if itâs 5a & im finally in bed#iâm pretending to reset my sleep cycle tomorrow now that my depression doesnât exist#(until i make up in the morning)#((but im going to take 2 pills MAYBE))#(((iâll definitely take 1 but maybe i can stagger like 1 in the morning 1 a few hrs later u know what i mean but also like âas neededâ#but itâs going to be as needed everyday)))#((((but u know im just ⌠hoping for the best here))))#anyway#i was like letâs make these meatballs but w a like dough around it but then i was like wow this is taking longer than i want so i just#sprinkled the dough kinda & mashed it through u know what i mean ? & they were SMACKIN#stuffed w red onion & garlic w cheese#the way iâm makin yall read all that before i tell u the innards#also itâs cayenne paprika & black pepper then when i fried the beef balls i put on chives & coriander idk the american word rn#americans google coriander itâs the yummy gene w soap#also i fried em in butter & i used corn flour i fried everything in butter the red onion & garlic was browned then stuffed into the balls#welsh cheddar cheese#black pepper obvs#im out of cumin but that wouldâve gone in too#GOOD#WILL MAKE AGAIN BUT IM GOING TO DO POULTRY BC HINDIS#like kp & abhishek r both hindi & donât eat beef & i want to cook for them !!!#kp was so upset like BRO I SAID IT WAS BEEF OMAR WAS LYING TO U LIKE THE SLAG HE IS IM NOT GOING TO LIE TO U#ALSKAKSJAKSKDLSKDKAJDKA#BITCH !!!!!!! i had to use the REST of the BEEF SOMEHOW#đđđ#W JALAPEĂOS OMG
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stupid in love - psh (m)
this work contains smut - minors please do not interact
pairing. best friend!sunghoon x fem!reader
synopsis. One night early on in your summer vacation, your best friend Sunghoon admits that his biggest anxiety about starting college is going there as a virgin - one thing leads to another, and you end up learning a few things from each other. The more time passes, the more obvious it becomes that your feelings for each other surpass friendship, but with the end of summer looming over your heads, it's hard to tell where these newfound emotions will lead you.
genre. best friends/childhood friends 2 lovers, summer au, lots of fluff and smut but also some angst to spice things up, when i say smut i mean LOTS of smut. like mostly smut lol (mutual first time, ice play, crazy stuff)
word count. 22.1k
a/n. bringing this one back from the pits of my google docs guys.. its been so long since i've posted anything and im not sure when the new hoon fic will be ready so i thought i'd repost an og asahicore fic!!! the title was originally 'hot like ice' but i changed it bc this is my blog and i do what i want <3 i'd also like to say that in terms of plot this is probably not something i would write nowadays, it's very smut-heavy and thats not what im about now idk i was crazy back then... but i rmb being happy w this fic and its reception when i first posted it so i'm happy to have it back on my blog and hope u guys will like it too <3 as always lmk what u think!!
It all started with a lollipop. Well, two, to be exact. One strawberry-flavored, one apple-flavored.Â
You stand in front of your friend, lollipops in hand. âWhich one do you want, Hoon?âÂ
âI donât mind, just pick whichever one you like best,â he replies absent-mindedly, eyes on the TV as he tries to find a suitable movie for this late summer afternoon.
You plop down on the couch next to him and look at the two lollipops in your hands, unable to decide which flavor you like better. âI donât know what I feel like right now,â you announce to an uninterested Sunghoon. âIâll just try both.â
That seems to catch your best friendâs attention. He watches as you unwrap both candies, tasting each once, twice, then as you decide you want the apple-flavored lollipop and hand him the strawberry-flavored one. He doesnât take his eyes off of your lips as you wrap them and swirl your tongue around the candy, letting its sweetness wash over your taste buds. You raise your eyebrows when you notice his staring and he blinks a couple times, trying to snap himself out of it. âDid you want the other one?â you ask, confused by his behavior.
âN-no, I like strawberry,â he stammers, turning his gaze back to the screen in front of you and settling for âWhen Harry Met Sally,â a movie youâve both seen a thousand times but never get bored of.
Youâre used to Sunghoon getting lost in his thoughts, so you donât question it much. You sit back on the couch, your knee touching his. You two are no strangers to a little skinship - after being friends for almost eight years, physical contact comes naturally. You have to admit that recently, itâs started to feel different; but the idea of your friendship changing tugs at your heartstrings so much that you ignore the prickles on your skin when he hugs you or the way your stomach flips when he smiles at you, dimples and sharp canines on display. You tell yourself itâs all stupid and that you can handle so much as your knees touching.
Sunghoon, on the other hand, can't. The lollipop in his mouth right now was in yours mere moments ago and youâd given it to him like sharing saliva was no big deal. He feels like a thirteen year-old for thinking like this, but this was pretty much an indirect kiss.
He stares at the TV screen, but all he can see are your perfect lips sucking that lollipop, and his mind is desperately not trying to go there, but he just cannot help himself. Blood rushes to his dick as he pictures your mouth around him, sucking him off with as much enthusiasm as you are the lollipop. Would you like his taste? Would you look up at him with those pretty eyes of yours, smiling even with his dick stuffed in your mouth?
His own thoughts catch him off guard, and before they can get any wilder, he runs off to the bathroom, knowing heâd never live it down if you caught a glimpse of his erection. Thankfully, you donât, and you call after him, asking if he wants you to pause the movie, to which he shouts back a strangled âno.â
He comes back ten minutes later, face flushed and breath heavy. âGoddamn, Hoon, I know weâre best friends, but if youâre going to dump a massive load, I wished you did it in your own bathroom and not mine,â you tease him, laughing as his face gets even redder and he opens his mouth to protest.
âI was just on my phone!â he replies, mildly offended.
âWhatever,â you say, still laughing, and turn your attention back to the movie.
Well. Sunghoon would rather have you think he just took a huge shit than have you know he came to the idea of you sucking him off and swallowing every last drop of his cum.Â
--
A few days later, you and Sunghoon are lying on his bed, the both of you on your backs, talking about this and that as you often do. Itâs almost 3 a.m., and it feels almost rebellious, being up this late after months of waking up at 6, but your high school graduation was a week ago and you feel like you can do anything. The dim fairy lights you forced him to put up and the bright moon outside are the only sources of light in the room, and when you turn to look at him, you can just make out the outline of his face, the curve of his nose, the sharpness of his jaw. You've looked at him a thousand times before, so your memory makes up for what the light takes away from your eyes. You shift to lying on your stomach, propping yourself up on your elbows so you can take a better look at your friend. Something about the moonlight makes him look ethereal, and his beauty makes your heart skip a beat, but youâd never admit that to him. Out of habit, you reach out to touch his moles, gently placing your middle finger on his nose and your pointer finger on his cheek. Sunghoon closes his eyes at your touch, used to the warm feeling that settles in his stomach whenever you do that.
âY/N?â he calls out, just as you pull your fingers away from his moles.
âYeah?â
He opens his eyes again, meeting yours. âIs there anything youâre scared of for next year? You know, heading off to college and all that?â You shift again and lie on your back, the sides of your two bodies touching. You stare at the ceiling for a while, thinking about his question, and Sunghoon patiently waits for your answer.
âIâm scared about not making friends. Iâm not the least outgoing person ever, but itâs so intimidating, not knowing anyone. And itâll be weird not having you around. Shut up,â you warn before he can make an egotistical remark, so he just chuckles. âIâm also worried about the amount of work Iâll have. Iâve heard so many times that itâs a huge step-up from high school, the workload and the type of work and all that. What if I donât even like the degree that I chose? I know I can change it, but it still stresses me out. Turning 18 doesnât feel like a huge deal, but going to college does. Itâs when all the responsibility hits. My mom told me to make my own doctorâs appointment the other day, and I almost cried when I had to call them. Iâm not gonna have anyone to do my groceries for me. Iâm scared I might get an awful roommate. I hate the idea of communal showers. I donât even know what I want to do after college, and I know I have four years to make up my mind, but Iâm scared those four years are gonna flash by and Iâll be indebted and unemployed by the end of it.â You pause to take a breath, and you can feel Sunghoonâs eyes on the sides of your face, but he doesnât say anything. âAlso, I heard that you put on a lot of weight during your freshman year.â
You turn to look at him to find him smiling at you. âWow. Thatâs a lot.â
The two of you giggle, eyes not leaving the otherâs. After a moment, you turn your gaze back to the ceiling and sigh. âYeah, I know. But Iâm more excited than I am scared. What about you?â
Sunghoon follows your gaze and looks up above him. He doesnât say anything for a while, and when he finally speaks up, he says it so quietly, you almost donât hear it. âIâm scared of going to college a virgin.â
You try to stay serious for a few seconds, but you canât keep your laughter in and snort loudly at your friendâs words, laughing so hard your stomach starts to hurt.
âDonât make fun of me!â he whines, hands coming up to cover his face.
It takes you a while to calm down; not only was Sunghoonâs statement ridiculous, it was so unexpected that you couldnât stop laughing. âIâm sorry, Iâm sorry,â you apologize, catching your breath. âI just canât believe that thatâs what youâre scared of, of all things.â
âWhat? Itâs a perfectly reasonable concern,â he defends himself.
âNobodyâs gonna care if youâre a virgin, Hoon,â you try to reason with him, but if there is one thing your best friend is, itâs stubborn.
âIâm gonna care! What if I like a girl but I canât bring myself to make a move on her âcause I have no experience?â
âBut Hoon, chances are she doesnât have a lot more experience than you do! Sheâll be the same age we are, dummy. Weâre not sixteen year-olds jumping into a world of twenty year-olds. Sure, some people have their first time in high school, but a lot do it at university. Youâll be fine,â you reassure. His furrowed eyebrows and pout tell you heâs not fully convinced, though.
âOh, câmon! If you really want to lose your virginity before leaving, we can get you laid during the summer. Iâm sure we can find a girl nice enough,â you tease, jokingly patting his bicep, trying not to make a note of how firm the skin feels under your hand.
Sunghoon sighs, and you can tell heâs actually taking this seriously. âIâm not that desperate that Iâd have sex with the first girl that agrees, you know. Iâd still rather do it with someoneâŚâ He glances at you for just a second. âSomeone I trust.â
You feel your face heat up at the possible meaning behind his words, so you look away, not wanting him to see the effect they had on you. He changes his position on the bed, and now itâs his turn to prop himself up on his elbows and look down at you.
âWhat about you, Y/N? Donât you think itâd be good to get a bit of experience before going off to college? Itâll be one less thing to stress about,â he says, a small smirk playing on his lips, and his shy demeanor from moments prior is completely gone. Out of fear that his ego would get even bigger, you'd never tell him, but you love it when he gets like that - when he thinks heâs the shit and teases you mercilessly. You know he does it lightheartedly, and it never fails to bring a smile to your face.
Except right now it does. Youâre not smiling, far from it; youâre looking up at your best friend, mouth slightly agape and wide eyes searching for a sign that he may be just joking. He raises an eyebrow expectantly, and your reaction is to scoff at him.Â
âDo I need to remind you that youâre the reason I have no experience to begin with, Park Sunghoon?â you ask, sitting up on the bed to peer down at him. He shifts again and lays on his back, his hands coming up behind his head as he beams at you.
âAm I really?â
You wish you could slap that shit-eating grin off of his face. This is not the first time you're having this conversation. âYes, Hoon. Every time a guy was even remotely interested in me, you chased them away. Iâm still not over you telling Kang Taehyun I have smelly feet! I had a huge crush on that guy!â
Sunghoon loudly laughs at the memory, and you curse yourself for cracking a smile when you see his face scrunched in laughter. âThat was in Year 5, Y/N! Itâs been years!â
You grab a pillow and throw it at his head, unable to not laugh along with him. âWhat about Bang Yedam, then? That was only last year, and you totally ruined my chances with him!â
âListen, if you having a creepy doll collection is enough to make him not ask you out, then he must not have liked you that much.â
âBut I donât have a creepy doll collection! Thatâs the whole point!â you say, on the brink of desperation. You sigh at your friend whoâs still catching his breath from laughing so much. âYouâre just lucky they didnât repeat your bullshit to anyone. I wouldâve had such a weird reputation otherwise.â
âOf course they didnât. I told them Iâd kill them if they did,â he stated matter-of-factly, as if that was a normal and appropriate thing to do.
âCouldnât you have threatened them that way so they wouldnât ask me out instead of lying to them about me?â
Sunghoon stares at you for a few seconds, eyes seemingly empty of thought. âHuh. Yeah, I guess I couldâve done that.â
âUgh,â you groan, and plop down on the bed next to him. Neither of you says anything for some time, until you break the silence again. âYou know you even stole my first kiss, Hoon,â you speak softly.
âI know,â he says, voice just as quiet as yours. âYou never shut up about it.â
âWhy would I? I was about to kiss Lee Heeseung, of all people, the boy everybody, including me, had a crush on, but no, someone had to get between us and kiss me in his stead,â you grumble, giving your friend a harsh side-eye.
Sunghoon sighs and shakes his head as if youâre being irrational. âI donât get why youâre so hung-up on that. Why would you want your first kiss to be because of a middle-school party dare rather than have it with your best friend, whom you know and trust?â
âIt was Lee Heeseung, for Godâs sake!â
âAnd Iâm Park Sunghoon!â
Still both laying on your backs, you turn your heads to look at each other. Thereâs something in his eyes youâve never seen before that you canât quite put your finger on. The person in front of you is one youâve known for years now and yet the look in his eyes is of such unfamiliar intensity that it makes your stomach flip. You inhale sharply when his eyes drift down to your lips, and you canât help but mirror his actions. The atmosphere has flipped like a light switch; it was playful just mere seconds ago, the sound of your usual banter filling up the room. All of a sudden, thereâs something heavy dancing in the air around you, and it makes your heart skip a bit faster and your breath a bit shallower.
Your voice is barely above a whisper when you say his name.
âYeah?â His eyes snap back up to yours, but you're still stuck on his lips. Have they always looked so kissable?
âWhy did you do that? Why did you push those boys away from me?â you ask, even though youâve asked this question a thousand times before. You want to hear his answer again.
âIâve already told you. You deserved better than them.â Whenever you ask him about it, Sunghoon always stops here, and you never push. But there are unspoken words left hanging that youâre dying to hear.
âWho, then? Whoâd be better than them?â
He's quiet for a second. âItâs a secret,â he whispers finally, a small smirk teasing his lips, and you roll your eyes at him. But then your eyes meet again and your breath hitches. You shift to your side so you can face him more fully, and he mirrors your actions.Â
Itâs his turn to say your name. âY/N?â
âYeah?â
âHave you kissed anyone since?â he asks, coming off shyer than heâd intended to.
You giggle and smack his shoulder lightly. âWhy do you wanna know?â
He snickers too and, to your surprise, stops your fist from hitting him a second time, enveloping his larger hand around yours and laying it between the two of you on the bed. âCause I should know that sorta thing. Also, if you did kiss someone since then, and I didnât know about it, I'd be upset.â
âWhy would you be mad?â you say, still giggling, trying to ignore the way your heartbeat quickens when he threads your fingers with his.
âBecause you wouldnât have told me!â
âWellâŚâ
âNo way, Y/N,â he practically shouts, already feeling betrayed, his free hand coming up to grip his heart in fake shock.
âLet me at least finish first,â you protest. He obliges, although he doesn't look very happy about it. âYou know that summer 2 years ago I went away to camp?â
âYeah, worst summer ever.â
âWell, I did sort of⌠get with someone, that summer,â you say, avoiding Sunghoonâs wide eyes as he gasps loudly.
âWhat? Who with? How come you didn't tell me?â he exclaims, letting go of your hand. He sits up on the bed and crosses his arms over his chest like an annoyed child.Â
âBecause of this exactly.â
âWhatâs this?â
âYour reaction right now!â you say, sitting up as well, both of your knees grazing his. The simple touch sends a shiver down your spine that you can only hope he takes no notice of.
âWouldnât you be a bit upset if I told you I âgot withâ,â he air-quotes, âa random girl two years ago?â
âNo? Especially not if it was two years ago?â
You both look just as confused as the other, obviously not on the same wavelength. He furrows his eyebrows and glares at you. âWell, I am.â
You throw your head back in laughter and place your hands on his knees, but when you come forward again, you overestimate the distance between the both of you and find yourself mere inches from his face. The laughter immediately dies in your throat, and you feel it go dry when your stunned reaction elicits a smirk from him. You donât know how long you stare into his eyes, all you know is you snap out of it when his gaze drifts down to your lips once more. Youâre closer now than you were before, and having him so close makes your mind spin with all the possible outcomes of such proximity. You lean back on the bed, pulling away your hands from his knees to hold yourself up on them.
âThereâs no reason to,â you say, hoping that breaking the silence will dissipate some of the tension in the air. You keep going back and forth between familiar and dangerous and you donât know how long youâll be able to handle that atmosphere. âItâs not like anything grand happened. We made out a bit and held hands. We never spoke after that summer, otherwise youâd have known about it.âÂ
Sunghoon lets out a low hum. His eyes are still trained on yours, and you wished heâd look away because you canât seem to do it yourself. He still doesnât say anything, so you speak up again. âYou say that like youâve never had girlfriends, by the way. Surely youâve done more than just kissing.â Silence again, and you canât decipher the look heâs giving you. âSo, I donât know what youâre so scared about, because itâs not like you have zero experience. Iâm sure the girls at uni will love you, Hoon.â
He sighs and finally tears his eyes away from yours, and youâre not sure if youâre seeing things because of how dark and late it is or if thereâs an actual blush creeping on his cheeks. âSure, Iâve had a couple girlfriends, but you know theyâve never lasted long,â he says, looking down at his lap. âWe made out⌠I guess I-â he gives you a quick glance, âIâve touched their boobs and theyâve touched my⌠you knowâŚâ
You canât help but giggle at how shy your friend is suddenly being. âCanât even say the word âpenisâ, Hoon?,â you tease, and his eyes snap back up at yours.
âOf course I can. Penis! There.â You look at each other for a few seconds before bursting into laughter, Sunghoon hushing you so you donât wake up his parents, but his hushes are louder than your laugh. After a couple minutes, you calm down and wipe your tears away, grateful for the break in the tension between you and Sunghoon.
âAnyway, yeah, I guess I donât have that much experience. Which is why I brought it up in the first place.â And just as quickly as itâd left, the tension is back again.
You look around the room because the weight of Sunghoonâs gaze on your face is unbearable. You release a shaky breath when you feel his gentle hand on your knee, and your eyes drift to it, but you canât get yourself to look him straight in the eyes.Â
âDonât you think itâd be good to get experience before leaving for college, Y/N?â he asks, and you can tell heâs trying to sound confident, but his voice comes out breathier and shakier than he must intend it to.
âI donât know⌠I donât think itâs necessary,â you say, eyes still trained on his hand resting on your knee. He squeezes it a bit, making you finally look up at him. Is it just you, or did the room get hotter all of a sudden?
âNot everything you do has to be out of necessity, you know.â
The both of you stare at each other for a few moments. This shift in your relationship was bound to happen; youâd been feeling it more and more recently. You didnât use to think twice about Sunghoon taking your hand in his, nor did you feel those stupid butterflies eating away at your stomach every time his gaze lingered for a second too long. Youâd tried to reason with yourself that it was just teenage hormones doing their stupid job, and that you were doomed to feel some kind of attraction for your extremely handsome best friend at some point in your life, but that if you ignored it hard and long enough it would go away.
Well, now that Sunghoonâs lips are barely inches away from yours and your skin is on fire under his hand, it definitely isnât going away.
âWhat would you do if I kissed you?â Sunghoon asks, eyes fluttering down to your lips. You think heâs looked at your lips more than the rest of your face in the past hour.
âIâd slap you,â you lie, gaze mirroring his.
âWould you really?â he says, and your hesitation makes him smirk slightly.
âNo,â you breathe out, and itâs the answer heâs been waiting for, the answer he needs to finally press his soft lips against yours.Â
You donât even have the time to savor the moment, though, because the warmth of his lips is gone as quickly as it came. He pulls back, a surprised look in his eyes, as if he canât believe what he just did. The tension above you breaks and rains down on you like small pieces of confetti that settle comfortably on your head and shoulders. Thereâs a knot in your stomach but instead of twisting your insides in nervousness, it feels warm and makes you giddy for whatâs to come next. Sunghoonâs surprised expression transforms into a grin at the sound of your laughter, and he canât help but chuckle along with you.
You scooch closer to him, and his other hand comes to rest on your second knee. You can tell heâs not going to do much more, so you lean in bit by bit, and peck him softly on the lips. You both giggle again and you blame the fact that you want to feel his lips on yours again on the late hour of the night. You peck his lips once, twice more, giggling inbetween, but when you peck them a third time, he doesnât let you pull away and keeps his lips on yours. The sudden added strength takes you aback, but it doesnât take you long to yield to his touch and kiss him back.Â
Sunghoon moves his lips slowly against yours and itâs surprisingly easy to fall into his rhythm. You donât have the most experience with kissing, but something about doing it with your best friend reassures you and your whole body relaxes as you focus on the feeling of his lips moving in cadence with yours. The knot in your stomach stays there and tightens when his hands ride up your thighs and settle on your hips, holding you snugly there. Youâre only wearing shorts and his palms against your bare skin make you release a shaky breath in Sunghoonâs mouth. You pull back for a bit, surprised at your own reaction, but nothing has prepared you for the way your best friend looks at you.
His pupils are dilated, dark; his glossed-over eyes bore right into yours. Your breath was already shallow from the kiss, but itâs his gaze that renders you completely breathless. Sunghoon tightens his grip on your hips and leans in for more, but you put a hand on his chest to stop him, making his eyes snap back into focus.
âOh my God, Iâm so sorry, Y/N. I donât know what took over me. Are you okay?â he asks, as short of breath as you are, but worry laced in his voice.
âNo- Yes- I mean, yes, Iâm fine, everythingâs fine, I just-â you shake your head, trying to gather your thoughts. âIâm justâŚâ
âTell me. You can tell me,â he says, rubbing gentle circles into your hips with his thumb, and the unfamiliar yet intimate gesture makes it even harder to concentrate.Â
âWe- weâre best friends, right?â you ask, voice trembling, You ask, even though you know the answer, just because youâre afraid the line the two of you have just crossed is already miles behind you, and you wonât be able to retrace your steps.
âYeah, of course we are,â Sunghoon reassures, head tilting to the side in confusion.Â
âAnd best friends⌠Do they⌠Well, itâs normal for best friends to kiss, right?â you say, trying to calm the overpowering urge to kiss him again.
Sunghoon chuckles and tucks a loose strand of hair behind your ear. âI donât know about that, Y/N.â
âOh,â you breathe.
Sunghoon quickly catches on to your hesitation. âBut who cares about what best friends usually do and donât do?â he says, holding your face between his hands to make you look up at him. âI liked kissing you, just now. I really, really liked it,â he admits, red dusting his cheeks. âDid you?â
You nod, too shy to put just how much you enjoyed kissing Sunghoon into words. âDo you want to do it again?â he asks and chuckles when you nod again, eyes already on his lips. This time, you donât stop him when he leans in and let him press his lips to yours again. His words have reassured you and you sigh into his mouth, making him smile into the kiss.Â
His hands ride up a bit and settle on your waist, bringing you a bit closer to him, and you circle your arms around his neck. The shyness of the first kiss is completely gone, and youâre both gaining more and more confidence, letting everything go and focusing solely on where your bodies meet. He tilts his head, deepening the kiss, and you push your body onto his, a sudden need to feel him against you, to feel his strong arms encaging you.Â
You pull away at the same time to catch your breaths, smiling at each other when you see how lustful the otherâs expression is. Sunghoonâs eyes have glossed over once more, and youâre sure yours have too. âCâmere,â he whispers, beckoning you to him. You climb onto his lap, one knee on each side of his hips. âIs this okay?â he asks, but you donât answer, you just lean in and kiss him again, holding his face in your hand as his hands roam your back over the thin fabric of your t-shirt. Your kisses are curious, the both of you trying to figure out what feels best as you tilt your heads from one side to the other and let your inquisitive hands travel each otherâs bodies. Yours find purchase in his hair, and you revel in the sighs that escape his lips whenever you pull and tug at the strands.Â
As the kiss gets hungrier and needier, his hands fall down to your lower back, and then to your ass. He just cups it for a while, but after a few moments, grabs it harder and brings you close to him, making your core rub against the hardness that had been building in his sweatpants for a while now. The friction is unexpected and you canât help the loud moan leaving your lips at the feeling. Itâs a feeling you know from your own hand in the privacy of your dark room, but Sunghoon making you feel that way is so foreign that it snaps you out of the daze youâre in.Â
âIâm sorry, Iâm sorry, was that too much?â Sunghoon scrambles for words, but youâre already pulling away, and he doesnât know what to do to keep you close.
You sit back on the bed, holding your knees close to your chest. You look at your best friend in front of you whoâs looking at you with a worried expression. Something in you craves to reach a hand out to him, to feel his cheeks and jawline under your palms again, to find out if heâd shiver at your touch and if goosebumps would form on his skin. Heâs been your best friend for eight years, and youâve always thought you knew everything about him, the same way heâs supposed to know everything about you. But you realize in this moment that there are things you donât yet know, melodies to be discovered, treasures to be unearthed. Your fingertips are burning to find them all.Â
The sound of your name resonates inside your mind and it takes you everything not to fall back on him again. You furrow your eyebrows, confused by all those things youâre feeling. What was it that just took over you, that lit your insides up so?
You straighten your back suddenly and take in your surroundings. Sunghoonâs room is still the same old room youâve always known, the same blue walls, the same posters he only ever changes when he finds a new interest and lets go of an old one. The same pictures from when you were 10, 12, 15, recent ones now that youâre 18; the same figure skating trophies and medals on his shelves. You turn to look at your best friend. The same soft, round cheeks contrasted by a sharp jaw; the same almond eyes, round with worry at your sudden movement away from him; the same two moles youâve always found so comforting, for some reason. You almost reach out to touch them, to give you some sense of balance, to reassure you that things arenât changing as much as it feels like they are. But youâre scared electricity might fry your fingers if you touch him right now. Youâre scared you wonât be able to take your fingers off of him, no matter how much it stings. His face is the same as always before, but thereâs something else to it, something you could probably figure out if you spent more than three seconds thinking about it, but youâre not sure you want to figure it out.
âIs everything okay? Did- Did I do something wrong?â he asks, voice laced with concern.Â
Before he can put a reassuring hand on your knee, you get off of the bed, and hurriedly say, âNo. I just- I think I should go home.â You look everywhere but at him.
He sits up at your words, concern turned into confusion. âItâs 3 a.m., Y/N, why do you want to go home all of a sudden? Youâve stayed over plenty of times before.â
âI know, I justâŚâ you trail off, trying to come up with an excuse. âIâve got cramps. I think my periodâs coming,â you lie. Itâs better than whatever truth is threatening to bubble up.
âOh. Right.â He scooches a bit, sitting on the edge of his bed. âIs there anything- like- can I do anything?â He sighs, steadies himself. âYou donât have to go, is what Iâm trying to say.â
A few months ago, when you had finally wrapped your head around the fact that your best friend was an attractive man and that he made you feel things friends werenât supposed to make you feel, youâd told yourself it was all just a phase that would pass soon. But feelings this strong surely cannot go away that easily.
You take a deep breath in and tear your eyes away from him. âI think I should go home,â you repeat. âIâll see you tomorrow, Hoon.â
You turn around and start walking away, but Sunghoon is quick on his feet and stops you from going out the door. âDo you actually have cramps? Or are you just scared that our friendship might change?â He sounds out of breath, like asking this question is taking him all of his energy.
You avert his gaze and try to push past him, but heâs much stronger than you. Puberty sure played its trick on him. You sigh and look down at your feet. âIâm tired, Hoon, letâs talk about it tomorrow.â
But if there is one thing your best friend is, itâs stubborn. âI donât wanna talk about it tomorrow. I wanna talk about it now. Did it feel nice?â he asks, and his resolute tone of voice makes you look up at him.
âI- I mean-â
âY/N,â he starts, wrapping his arms around you and leaning in a bit, his familiar scent filling your nostrils. You have to close your eyes. âAnswer me. Did it feel good?â
âYes,â you answer without thinking.Â
âIs that why youâre scared?â
âYes.â Your eyes flutter open when you feel his fingers graze your cheek. He leans in again and traps your kiss in a much softer and intimate kiss that makes your head spin and your thoughts cloud. Before you can get carried away, you pull away again, and ignore how beautiful he looks when his eyes stay closed for a couple of seconds longer. He only opens them once you tell him once again you should go home, that you need some time to think.
âLet me at least walk you there. Itâs dark,â he pleads, his grip on your waist still tight.
âHoon, I live right next door, Iâll be fine.â You let him kiss you once more and he makes you promise to call or text him tomorrow.
When you leave, Sunghoon plops back down on his bed, arm resting on his forehead as he plays back the events of the night. Had he done something wrong? Something that made you want to get as far away from him as quickly as possible? Heâd tried to be gentle and to make sure you were okay with everything, but he couldnât help but get carried away when he heard those sweet sighs of yours. He thought he was going to combust when he heard you moan, and he wanted to hear it over and over again, but youâd jumped from him like heâd told you he had killed someone.
He hopes you were telling the truth when you said you were just scared about your friendship changing. He hadnât wanted to push and get you to stay; he knew it was weird, seeing each other in a different light all at once. He wasnât completely oblivious; heâd felt that same shift in your relationship those past few months, just like you had, although youâd never spoken about it to each other. He knew he could never go back to seeing you as just a friend when heâd jerked off one day and you were all he could think of. He kept imagining the sounds youâd make and the way your hands would feel on him, and heâd gotten so close to getting that today, but he mustâve fucked something up and now his chances were ruined. He curses himself for letting you slip through his fingers just when he thought he finally had you.
You donât get a wink of sleep that night. Your mind is reeling with everything that happened in Sunghoonâs room. Your fingers unconsciously keep coming up to touch your lips and feel the ghost of his touch there. Your skin turns hot at the simple thought of how perfect his lips had felt against yours, and you toss and turn in your bed as you consider what mightâve been, had you stayed with Sunghoon.Â
But itâs all happening too quickly, and even though youâve been curious in more ways than one about your best friend for the past few months, you hadnât expected to kiss him and to enjoy it so much on a random summer night. Your thoughts only seem to calm down and your eyes finally close just as the sun starts to rise.
--
The next day, Sunghoon wakes up in the early hours of the afternoon and checks his phone right away. A couple of notifications, but nothing from you. A text from Jake in their group chat with Jay asking to hang out at Sunghoonâs pool, to which he replies that they can come whenever. He taps a quick one out in the shower, memories of your scent and your lips on his getting him to finish quicker than heâd like to admit. Heâs in the middle of a late breakfast when Jake and Jay spawn at his door, swimming trunks already on. Still nothing from you.
It doesnât take Jay and Jake long to figure out that something is up with their best friend. Itâs not like he does much usually, but today especially, he makes no effort to entertain them. He laughs at their jokes, but it feels like he laughs because he hears other people laughing rather than because he genuinely finds them funny. He barely even reacts when the inflatable pool ball hits him right in the face.
His friends donât say anything until theyâre all seated at a table by the pool, sipping on some ice-cold Coke. The air is still warm but the sun is low in the sky, hidden behind the house. Sunghoon is still lost in his thoughts, unblinking eyes fixed on a random point in the distance. Jay and Jake exchange a look before the former breaks the silence.
âIs everything alright, Hoon? You look out of it today.â
Jayâs voice brings him back to the here and now, and his eyes jump back and forth between his two friends who are looking at him expectantly. âHuh? Yeah, yeah, Iâm fine. Just tired. I didnât get a lot of sleep last night,â he says, leaving some of the truth out, but his friends know him better than he gives them credit for.
âAre you sure? I feel like thereâs something youâre not telling us. You usually act like a little bitch when youâre tired, you donât get allâŚ,â Jake shakes his hand in front of his face, âdistant like that.â
Sunghoon bites his lip, debating whether he should tell his friends about you or not. No matter how stupid they may be, they also know both of you quite well, so they might prove not completely useless, he thinks.
âY/N and I kissed last night.â
Itâs almost comical, how Jay and Jake bring their head forward in astonishment, how wide their mouth gets, how their eyes look like they might pop out of their sockets, and how they say âYou what?!â at the same time. On a normal day, Sunghoon would've laughed.
âWe kissed,â Sunghoon repeats, eyes drifting down to the ground in front of him as he rubs his neck in embarrassment.
âFucking finally!â Jay exclaims.
âTold you it was gonna happen. No way you two were going to stay just besties forever,â Jake teases, punching Sunghoon in the arm. âHow was it?â
Sunghoon sighs and leans back in his chair, letting his head hang back. âReally fucking amazing,â he chuckles. His friends holler for him, snickering like 12-year old boys who just saw a hot girl walk past.Â
âGod, I saw this coming from miles away. I donât know why you kept on insisting nothing was gonna happen between you two,â Jake says, beaming.
âI really didnât think anything would⌠I just⌠Started seeing her differently recently, I guess.â Sunghoon shrugs, sheepishly smiling to himself.
âSo, what happened? Did you guys just kiss orâŚ?â Jay asks, raising his eyebrows suggestively. Jake giggles at the insinuation of sex but has a curious glint in his eyes when he waits for Sunghoonâs answer.
âYeah, um, we just kissed cause she- she sort of ran away?â Sunghoon admits, wincing at the recollection.
âYou what?!â Chaeyongâs voice rings out in the food court of the mall where youâre currently sitting, halfway through your strawberry milkshake.
âKeep it down, would you?!â you scold her, smiling apologetically to the people staring at you and your friend.
âIf it was so good, why the hell did you run away, Y/N?â
âI just- I donât know⌠Freaked out, I guessâŚâ you mumble, cowering under the harsh look she gives you.
âWell, have you talked since?â You donât reply, just guiltily avoid her gaze. âY/N!â
âI know, I know! I just⌠donât know what to do. âHey, nice making out with you last night, bit weird since weâve been best friends since we were 11, but thatâs fine, right?â Ugh! Thatâs so stupid,â you complain, flopping back in your chair.
âThatâs exactly what you should say. Going MIA on him will just make things weirder. Plus youâve never gone more than 24 hours without speaking so one of you will eventually cave in. It should be you,â she says, looking at you with a raised eyebrow as she takes a sip from her milkshake.Â
You scoff when she gives you a âyou know Iâm rightâ look. âIâll think about it on the way home and text him. There.â
And you do think about it on the way home; but you donât get the opportunity to send the text, because as soon as you get off the bus at the stop right across from your house, you see Sunghoon sitting on the bench of your porch, looking around nervously and rubbing his hands on his denim shorts. You chuckle to yourself; who knew he got so distressed from not speaking to you for a day?
He stands up when he sees you approaching and raises his hand in a quick wave. âHi, Hoon,â you greet, and you can feel his whole body relax when you hug him. So, you donât hate him, he thinks. You sit down on the bench together. âSorry I didnât text you. I didnât know what to say after⌠last night,â you admit, hugging your knees to your chest as you sit facing him.
âYeah, I figured,â he chuckles, smiling shyly at you. âI was scared youâd never want to see me again.â
You look at him with wide eyes, mildly offended, and punch his arm. âHow could you think that?!â
âWell, you did sort of run away from me last night,â he says, lightly punching your arm in return.
You tut in defeat. âI did, didnât I?âÂ
âYeah. Iâm just glad you didnât walk past me straight into your house just now.â
You chuckle and rest your head on top of your knees. âThat wouldâve been a bit much, even for me.â
Sunghoon lets out a puff of air through his nose in response, and then the two of you sit in silence. Youâre contemplating what to do next when your friend pulls you from your thoughts. âShould we, umâŚâ He shuts his eyes tightly in reflection for a second before opening them again and looking straight at you. âShould we just pretend like last night didnât happen? Would that make you feel more comfortable?â
His words take you aback and your eyes widen a bit; you hadnât even thought pretending nothing happened last night was an option, because you didnât think youâd ever be able to actually get it out of your head. Even now, if you stare at Sunghoon for too long, your gaze will naturally drift downwards or youâll get a flashback of his large hands around your waist. But apparently, if he can offer to pretend like the previous night wasnât a thing, then it must not have been such a huge deal to him. You quickly try to hide your disappointment and nod at your friend. âRight. Yeah. Sure.â
Silence makes its way between you two again. It makes the late afternoon breeze a bit chillier and the physical distance between you and Sunghoon feel much bigger than it actually is. Wanting it to go away quickly, you ask, âDo you wanna watch a movie, then?â
Sunghoonâs never looked so relieved about watching a movie, and he immediately accepts your offer. You get some popcorn ready while he searches for a movie to watch. He clicks on a horror movie that looks like itâs got a clichĂŠ storyline and awful acting, but youâre happy for any sort of distraction when Sunghoon is sitting so close to you.
You and Sunghoon always sit close-by when you watch something together, knees and shoulders brushing against each other. Tonight isnât any different, except that your skin burns everywhere it touches his. You can smell the faint scent of chlorine in his hair, and itâs so intoxicating you want to bury your face there and breathe it in.
Youâre thirty minutes into the movie and still nothingâs happened when Sunghoon puts his arm around you, letting his hand hang over your shoulder. The sudden warm contact makes you take a sharp intake of breath as memories of the previous night come flooding once again. You donât know what you were expecting, but Sunghoon simply rests his hand there and doesnât do anything more for another thirty minutes, except for squeezing your shoulder when thereâs a small jumpscare, making you chuckle at him. This isnât much more than what youâre used to with him, but knowing your friend, he must be thinking the ball is in your court. So you scooch a bit closer into his side and rest your head on his shoulder, the scent of his skin even stronger now that your nose is so close to his neck. You feel his chest raise and relax as he sighs deeply and tightens his hold around your shoulders. His small reactions to you spur you on and you decide to wrap an arm around his waist and you feel him flinch oh-so-slightly at your touch in such a sensitive spot. He starts to rub circles into your shoulder and rests his head on top of yours, and your whole body relaxes into his. This is so much more than what youâre used to with him; and yet, you so readily melt under his touch.
You can barely focus on the movie because of how close Sunghoon is. When a particularly scary ghost jumps on the screen, you flinch and hide your face in his neck, and he giggles at your reaction, hand coming up to stroke your hair comfortingly. It only takes you a few seconds to realize what position youâre in, and you release a shaky breath as you slowly lift your head towards Sunghoon, only to find him already looking at you, seemingly having had that same realization. When his eyes drift down to your lips, you know youâre done for.
You call out his name, and heâs already answered âYes?â before youâve had time to finish uttering the second syllable. âI donât think I want to pretend last night never happened,â you admit, holding his waist a bit tighter.
âGood. Me neither,â he breathes out before leaning down and trapping your lips in his, the kiss releasing all your pent-up frustration of the day. The world seems to melt away with his lips on yours, the movie already long forgotten. Sunghoon pulls you into his lap and you slide your palms up from his waist, against his chest and to his shoulders before wrapping your arms around his neck, bringing your body closer to his. His hands are sitting on your hips, fingers lightly pressing into them and your lower back. Now that you both seem to know what you want, itâs so easy, just falling into this kiss.
His tongue darts out to lick your bottom lip and you gladly open your mouth for him, letting his tongue explore it. You havenât kissed someone like this in ages, maybe ever, but Sunghoon takes the lead and effortlessly gets you to follow his rhythm. When a flick of his tongue against yours feels particularly nice, you arch your back and press your chest into his, making him smirk into the kiss. This time, when he brings your hips down onto his, letting you feel his erection against your clothed core, the feeling doesnât make you want to run away; instead, you want to feel it again and again.
You fall into a nice pace of rubbing yourself against him, eliciting hushed moans and loud breaths from the both of you. You canât concentrate on kissing him and grinding down on him at the same time, so you drop your head down to bury your face in his neck, leaving a few pecks there but mostly moaning against his skin, enjoying how your hot breaths make him shiver.
You canât keep a whine from escaping your lips when he bucks his hip into yours and his tip brushes directly against your covered clit, instantly bringing a hand up to your mouth. âFuck, Y/N,â he breathes. âI know we gotta keep quiet âcause of your parents but the sounds youâre making are so fucking pretty. I wanna hear them over and over again.â His words make you whimper against his neck and you feel your slick starting to pool in your panties.
âH-hoon. This feels so good,â you moan, breathing warmly against the shell of his ear.
âI know, right? Feels so good,â he chuckles, hands grabbing at your ass to bring you harder down onto him. His actions are about to elicit another moan from you when, all of a sudden, a loud jumpscare in the movie makes you jump away from the boy underneath you and yelp in fear, which in turn makes him scream in surprise. You look at each other, panting and eyes open wide, hands clutching at your hearts, until you burst into laughter. The fun moment is short-lived, however, as your mom rushes down the stairs not ten seconds later, frantically asking if everything is alright.Â
You sit up straight at the sight of your mother and clear your throat. Youâre thankful for the dark of the room which hides your and Sunghoonâs swollen lips and flushed faces from her view. âSorry, mom, we were just watching a scary movie. Weâre fine.â She sleepily nods and walks back up the stairs, and when sheâs back in her room, Sunghoon and you exchange a look and erupt into another fit of smaller, quieter giggles.Â
That night, after Sunghoonâs gone home, the both of you get yourselves off in your own beds, the strong memory of each otherâs lips and hands bringing you both to your releases. Without even realizing it, you moan out Sunghoonâs name as your orgasm hits. The window from your room doesnât face his; but still, your heart is beating so loudly that youâre afraid the sound might carry from your open window to his. You get up and close it.
--
Now that you and Sunghoon both know you want to kiss each other, you do it everywhere: in his pool, his back pressed against the wall; on the sunchairs when you were supposed to be drying off; on your beds in the middle of the night, none of your parents or siblings suspicious of anything; in front of your house, because even though he was supposed to just walk you home, he couldnât keep himself from tasting you one last time; in the backseat of his car after an evening with your friends and he drove you two home.
You spend a good two weeks of just kissing before your body starts to crave something more. At some point, Sunghoonâs hands resting nicely on your waist or sometimes, if heâs feeling bold, grabbing at your ass, start to not be enough anymore. You knew you wouldnât be satisfied with just kisses and sweet touches when one day, his hands slowly but surely slid up your naked belly before grabbing onto your bikini-clad breast, lighting your whole body up on fire. Heâd slipped his hand underneath your swimming top and rolled your nipple between two fingers and you had felt his dick twitch under your core when you let out a loud moan at the new yet so pleasurable feeling.
You know what it is that you want, but it makes you feel dirty. Your fingers have made you finish a hundred times before, but wanting Sunghoon to make you feel that way is a whole other story. Is that even what he wants? Would he be weirded out if you asked him about it? Is there even the sliver of a chance that maybe, just maybe, he has those same thoughts about you, and wants you to make him feel good as much as he wants to make you feel good?
If his grunts and the way he ruts into you when your make-out sessions get particularly steamy are any indication, then the answer to those questions would respectively be yes, no, and yes.Â
Youâre lying on a sunbed one afternoon, letting the sun dry off your wet skin from the pool, when you finally muster the courage to tell Sunghoon about your wishes. After all, he is your best friend, and you know you can talk to him about anything. Even when that âanythingâ involves his fingers inside of you and his dick in your mouth.
âSunghoon?â you call out, turning your head to look at your best friend. Heâs bathing in the sunlight without a care in the world. His skin has tanned a bit since summer started three weeks ago and his muscles are even more defined after all that swimming and working out heâs been doing. You want to reach out a hand, to feel the taut skin of his abs and chest under your palms, and to maybe then slide your hand down until you feel his hard-on underneath his swimming trunks. Your chairs arenât far apart and you could do it from where you are, but youâd rather ask him first.
âYeah?â he answers without turning towards you.
You take a deep breath in before you start talking again. âYou know how you said it could be good for us to get⌠experience before going to college⌠And how weâve been kissing these past couple weeksâŚâ
âYeah, I know,â he chuckles.
âWell⌠people do more than just kissing, right?â you ask, voice slightly shaky. This seems to pique his interest as he turns to look at you.
âYeah?âÂ
You hope youâre not just imagining the enthusiastic tone in his voice. âI think⌠I think we should try that too, donât you think?â you ask, eyes not leaving his as he sits up on his chair and turns his knees towards you, fully facing you now.
âYeah, I agree. I completely agree.â He stares at you for a few moments as if in disbelief. âDo you want to- Should we- Letâs go up to my room, yeah?â he offers, standing up and reaching his hand out to you. You gladly take it.
You and Sunghoon are a giggling mess as you practically run up the stairs, unable to get to his room quick enough. As soon as the door is closed behind you, you wrap your arms around each other, your lips finding his immediately as he walks you back to his bed. When you feel the back of your knees hit it, you detach yourself from him and lay on it, elbows holding you up as you look up at him expectantly.
âFuck,â he whispers, leaning in to hover over you. He traps your lips in a short but sweet kiss before pulling back and murmuring against your lips, âHave I ever told you how pretty you are, Y/N?â
You beam at his words but decide to tease anyway. âYou always go on and on about how pretty you are, but never about me.â
He giggles and pecks your lips again. âWell, Iâm telling you now. Youâre gorgeous.â You kiss him to hide your flustered face, pulling him so close to you heâs practically laying on top of you. Your hands are a bit more curious than usual, your kisses hungrier, the both of you anticipating whatâs to come.Â
You grind against each other, the feeling of his erection against your barely covered core enough to send your mind into a frenzy. You forget everything around you when you feel Sunghoon pull back in the slightest, far enough so that he can look at your face and gauge your reactions but not too much that you still feel his hot breath on your lips. One of his hands is holding the back of your head as the other travels downwards, stopping for a second on your breast to massage it lightly before continuing its journey. It ever-so-slightly brushes against your core, making you buck your hips up into his touch, but his hand is already gone leaving you whining and pouting and him chuckling at your cute reaction. âYou want it that bad, huh?â he teases.
You scoff, not wanting to let your friend know the effect he has on you. You press your palm against his clothed erection and he hisses at the unexpected contact. âSo do you, Hoon.â
When he presses his lips to yours again, you both smile into the kiss. You cup his jaw and tangle your fingers through his hair, and his hand slips from under your head and joins his other hand on your thigh, grabbing at both of them, fingers slightly digging in your skin. Heâs so, so close to where you want him most, and he seems to have noticed your growing impatience by the way you squirm underneath him. Seeing you so needy for him only makes him needier for you; he has more experience than you, so you probably expect him to take the lead, but the truth is, he has no idea what the fuck heâs doing.
âY/N?â he murmurs, face buried in your neck as he leaves a trail of wet kisses there.
âYeah?â
âWhat do you want me to do?â
The question takes you a bit by surprise. You pull away to look at your friend. His eyes are completely glossed-over, and yours are probably the same. âOh. I donât know. I just⌠want you to touch me, I guess,â you say, voice a bit quiet.
âI donât know how to do that,â he admits sheepishly. He kisses your neck and cheeks before pecking your lips. âCould you- could you show me? How you do it? And I can show you how I do it?â
You take a second to take his words in. Was he suggesting that you touch yourself in front of him, and that he do the same?
This was like a dream come true.
âYeah, sure.â
Sunghoon giggles in response, and you canât help but crack a smile too, even though the idea of getting yourself off in front of your friend, no matter how appealing, is still a bit nerve-wracking. âYou first,â he says, a mischievous glint in his eyes, and you roll your eyes at him.
You sit back against the headboard of the bed and slip a hand underneath your swim bottom, the other hand coming up to cover your eyes in an attempt to escape Sunghoonâs heavy, lustful gaze. âNone of that. I wanna see you,â he says, pulling your hand away from your eyes and resting it on a pillow next to you. âAnd if you keep these on, I wonât be able to see anything,â he says, looking down at your bikini top.
Before you can protest, he comes to sit on his knees in front of you, kissing your neck and letting his hands roam your back. âI wanna see all of you.â Itâs so easy, untying your string bikini, he almost thinks you wore it on purpose for him to take it off. You avoid his gaze as he takes your top off of you, leaving you half-naked in front of him. âSo pretty,â he whispers, and you canât help but look at him, slick pooling between your legs from the fascination heâs looking at your breasts with. He trails kisses down your neck until he reaches them, taking a nipple in his mouth and swirling his tongue around it, then looks up to see your reaction. You never knew your nipples were this sensitive, and you canât help but arch your back at his touch and moan loudly, hand flying up to tug at his soft hair. He releases your nipple with a pop and moves sideways to pay the same attention to the other one, but Sunghoon is impatient and doesnât waste too much time on it; he knows he can come back to your boobs later anyway. Right now, youâve got a hand between your legs, and thatâs what heâs dying to see.
âCan I take this off, too?â he asks, looking up at you as his fingers hook on the sides of your swimming bottoms, waiting for you to nod. His eyes donât leave your glistening core as he pulls the thin fabric down your legs, discarding it somewhere on the floor of his room. He lays on his belly and kisses the inside of your knee as he holds your thighs in his large hands, still transfixed by your pussy when he says, âShow me how you do it, please.â
You both take a sharp breath in when you start moving two fingers in gentle circles over your clit, already wet from making out with Sunghoon. Your fingers are nimble and know exactly what to do after years of doing this, but the pulse in your core is even stronger now that your best friend is watching your movements this intently. He looks like heâs scared to blink in case he might miss something. You canât take your eyes off of his face; youâve never seen him so fascinated by something, so eager to learn. It makes you want to put on a show for him.
A surge of confidence hits you out of nowhere as you slide your digits down your folds, gathering some slick before sliding them back up to your clit and rubbing it a bit faster, a bit harder, your moans growing louder and higher in pitch. With your free hand, you tug at the base of Sunghoonâs hair and make him look up at you. You release his hair and bring your pointer finger up to your mouth, sucking on it and swirling your tongue around it, and Sunghoonâs mind is taken back to that day a couple weeks ago when you had sucked on those lollipops. Oh, how things have changed since then. Not that heâs complaining. âFuck, thatâs hot,â he breathes out, eyes zeroed in on your lips and mouth slightly agape.
You smirk at his reaction, stomach on fire with the feeling of having this kind of power on him. When youâve wet your finger enough, you bring it down to your slit, circling around your hole before entering it, releasing a loud moan for good measure. Sunghoon is mesmerized by the quickening with which your finger slips in and out of you, the fingers on your clit never relenting. He doesnât even realize heâs released one of your thighs to palm himself over his shorts until you notice it yourself and tut in disapproval.
âCome and help me, Hoon,â you say, and the boy snaps out of his daze at the sound of his nickname. He nods slowly, changing his position so that heâs laying between your legs, head dangerously close to your core. You slip your other finger out of your hole and he takes that as a sign to replace it with his own. One hand still gripping your thigh, he imitates your previous actions as he gets his pointer finger wet with his saliva before pressing it between your folds, right underneath your clit where your fingers are still rubbing circles, sliding it down towards your slit, and finally pushing it in.Â
âSo warm⌠So wet, too,â he whispers in wonder, making you cover your eyes with your forearm out of shyness.
âOh my God,â you moan, arching your back and letting your head drop to the side on the pillow. Sunghoonâs finger is much thicker and longer than your own, and it stretches you out and hits a deep spot inside you you never could, no matter how much you tried.
âLike this?â he asks, eyes curious as they bounce back and forth between your face and your entrance sucking his finger in.
âYes, yes, just like that, you can also- oh- you can also curve it upwards a bit- fuck, yeah, just like that, Hoon, youâre doing so well,â you say, the praises just flying out of your mouth.Â
This seems to instill some confidence in him, as he cocks an eyebrow at you and speeds up his actions. âYeah? My finger making you feel good, Y/N?â
âOh, shut up,â you bite back, but immediately let out a long whine when he easily inserts a second finger in your soaking pussy. He curves them inside you just like you told him to, and the feeling of his fingers filling you up and your own quick ones on your clit are creating a familiar knot in your stomach that is so close to breaking. That is, until Sunghoon pulls your wrist away from your clit.
âY/N⌠Can I?â he asks, and youâre not sure what heâs planning, but nod anyway. He wastes no time before pressing his tongue flat down on the sensitive bud, and you actually feel like your soul might leave your body. Fingers knuckle-deep inside you, he licks and sucks at your clit, and the warmth of his tongue against your folds is what makes you tumble over the edge, tightly gripping his hair and bucking your hips into his mouth.
âOh my God⌠Oh my God, Hoon, please, donât stop, please,â you beg, voice getting higher and whinier as you cum all over his tongue. He continues eating you out until it gets too much and you have to tell him to stop. He hikes his body up yours, pecking you sweetly on the lips when he reaches them.
âYour turn,â you announce and hook your legs over his hips to straddle him. Youâre about to lean in for a kiss when you notice how lovingly heâs looking at you: his eyes are soft and a small smile is playing on his lips. It takes you aback, but youâd be lying if you said butterflies didnât spread in your stomach. âW-why are you looking at me like that?â
His grin gets a bit wider. âDid I make you feel good?â
âY-yeahâŚ,â you admit, averting your gaze from him.
âIâm glad. You taste good, by the way. Sweet.â You want to kiss the devilish smirk off of his face.
You scoff at your friend, glaring a bit. âWhatever. Sit up,â you order, but it just makes him smirk more.
âYes, maâam.â
You look up at him to check for confirmation, and when he nods, you hook your fingers under his swimming trunks, taking them off of him along with his boxers underneath. His already fully-hard cock springs free and slaps against his stomach, and you curse yourself for your reaction that will surely just inflate his ego, as if it wasnât already massive. Your mouth hangs open, eyes zeroing in on his length, flushed red from lack of attention and what you can only guess is precum leaking at the tip. It's straight from a porno.
âLike what you see?â Sunghoon teases, making you look up at him, and you can only stupidly nod. You take the position he was in earlier, laying your head on his thigh and caressing the other, letting it ride up to rub his inner thigh and the tiniest bit over his cock, making his smirk vanish as he takes a shaky breath in.
âShow me how you do it,â you say, echoing his words from earlier. He gulps, finally realizing that he was going to have to masturbate in front of your curious eyes just as you had. He spits on his open palm and spreads the precum over his length with his thumb, lubing himself up before gripping the base and starting to move his hand up and down. You watch as his head falls back against the pillow when his palm grazes over his tip and his movements pick up some speed.
You rub his palms over his thighs, itching to get closer to his cock and make him feel as good as he had done to you earlier. Tentatively, you reach out to grab his balls in your hands, massaging them softly, feeling satisfied when a loud moan leaves his throat. âOh, f-fuck, that feels good, Y/N,â he breathes out, voice much higher than youâre used to. If he thought that felt good, then nothing couldâve prepared him for the feeling of your soft and warm tongue kitty-licking his balls, then taking turns sucking each one into your mouth and releasing them with a pop. âWhere the fuck did you learn how to do that?â he asks, involuntarily bucking his hips into your face.
You canât help but giggle, and Sunghoon thinks he might come from the sweet sound contrasted with your lewd actions alone. âI read a lot of fanfiction,â you explain, and he doesnât question it. If Wattpad taught you how to suck dick, then so be it.
You wrap your hand around his and tell him to keep going so you can get an idea of what pace and movements he likes, and you graze your fingernails over his abs and chest with your other hand, chuckling at how sensitive he is when you lightly pinch his nipples. Sunghoon takes his hand off of himself, laying both of his hands palms up next to him on the bed, so you decide to literally take things into your own hands. Trying to recreate what he did before, you spit into your palm and wrap your fingers around his tip, bringing your hand down in a swirly motion to the base of his shaft. You do that a few times, asking, âLike that?â to get confirmation from Sunghoon.
âJust like that, baby,â he says, not even taking notice of the pet name; but you do, and your face immediately flushes, surprised at how much you like it.
âBaby?â you repeat, but heâs too lost in his pleasure and just hums in response. His reaction eggs you on, and you lick a long stripe from his base to his tip, swirling your tongue around it and humming at the bitter but not unpleasant taste of precum there. When another moan escapes his throat, you take his tip in your mouth, at first just shallowly thrusting your head, but then trying to take more and more of him.Â
Youâre so focused on what youâre doing that you donât even realize how quickly heâs panting and how his grunts start to get whinier until heâs moaning out your name. âA-ah, Y/N, feels so good, âm gonna cum, fuck-â
He goes silent as he shoots his release down your throat, eyebrows deeply furrowed and mouth open wide in pleasure. Thereâs so much of it and you canât swallow it all, so you pull your head back, catching your breath, and a hot string of cum hits your chin and your throat. Sunghoon takes a look at you and the sight of you with some of his cum makes his dick twitch before he plops back down on the bed. You giggle as you take tissues from the bedside table (cause of course heâs got tissues next to his bed) and wipe away his seed, then lie down next to him, brushing away the hair thatâs sticking to his forehead with sweat and peppering his face with soft kisses.
He opens his eyes and smiles, turning his head to look at you before engulfing you in a bear hug, sweaty bodies sticking together but neither of you minding it. âThat was so good, Y/N. What the fuck,â he sighs, pecking your forehead.
You hum, nuzzling your nose into his neck. âI know, right? Who knew you could use your mouth for other things than saying stupid shit,â you tease.
He pulls back and gives you a look that tries to be stern, but you know heâs joking. âDo I need to remind you again, young lady?â
You giggle and peck his lips, forcing him out of character as his dimples appear on his cheeks. âLater, definitely.â
And after that day, he makes sure to remind you time and time again of how good his mouth feels on you. You shouldâve seen it coming with how amazing of a kisser he was; but truly, there was nothing like cumming on your friendâs tongue.
--
Youâre relieved to find that not much has changed, after all; you and Sunghoon still play around in the pool, watch stupid movies and hang out with your friends like always. Sure, there are stray hands here and there, or looks that last a little too long and mean a little too much, but if anything, it just makes your friendship more playful and exciting.Â
Youâre both open with what you like and donât like, so it doesnât take either of you to figure out exactly how to make the other come undone embarrassingly quickly. (The shortest amount of time it took him was 2:38 seconds - yes, he timed it - and he hasnât let you live it down since.) You like it when he presses his large hand down onto your lower tummy while he eats you out, or when he sits you between his legs and whispers all sorts of things as his fingers work their magic inside you and on your clit. He likes it when you get down on your knees in front of him and look up at him as you suck him dry, or when you sit in his lap and kiss his neck and play with his hair while he plays video games. And donât even get him started on when you palmed him over his sweatpants while you watched a movie with Chaeyong, Jay and Jake, making sure that the movements under the blanket went unnoticed by them. He wanted to punish you after they left, he really did, but you took him in your mouth right there in the living room and gave him an orgasm that had his thighs shaking for five minutes afterwards. You were pretty proud of yourself for that one.Â
You also find out that he hates it when you tease and edge him, which only makes you do it more; the only problem is that, if you do that, heâll make you ride his thigh and wonât help you at all. His proud smirk and snide praises combined with the feeling of his thick thigh underneath your core were more than enough to get you to your end, though.
And truly, nothing has changed, especially not Sunghoonâs special talent in pushing boys away from you.
âWhat do you mean, Lee Heeseung is coming back?â he heatedly asks, slamming his glass of lemonade down on the outdoor table so hard youâre scared it might break.
âItâs the summer, of course heâs coming back. He just stayed behind for a bit to enjoy a few weeks of the city without college, and now heâs coming back here,â Jake explains, shrugging.
âDo you know when heâll be here?â you ask, far too much excitement in your voice to Sunghoonâs taste.
âJust in a couple days.â
Sunghoon has smoke coming out of his ears when he sees how much you perk up at the news of your old crush being back in town for summer. He likes the boy, but he hates that you like him. And since Heeseung is friends with Jay, Jake, and by association Sunghoon, begrudgingly so, heâll definitely see lots of him in the upcoming months. And if Sunghoon sees Heeseung, then youâll see Heeseung, too. And that, Sunghoon doesnât like.
You notice something is off with him that afternoon because of how uncharacteristically quiet he is. Sunghoon, ever the loud introvert, is always arguing for no reason and laughing louder than everybody around him. So when he merely chuckles at his friendsâ numerous displays of stupidity in the pool and doesnât even say anything in protest to you getting on Jakeâs shoulders to play against Chaeyoung and Jay, you know something is definitely up. You also have a good idea of what that something might be, and youâd be lying if you said you didnât find it endearing.
You stay behind when your friends leave in the early evening. Without a word, you and Sunghoon pack away the inflatable toys in the pool cabin and clean up the table, putting the dirty glasses in the sink. You do the dishes while he prepares sandwiches for the two of you, which he insisted on doing after he heard your stomach grumbling. You watch the latest Kurtis Conner video as you eat and canât help but notice that he doesnât even chuckle at any of the jokes or skits when heâd usually be clutching his stomach in laughter.Â
When youâre done eating, you take a resolute breath and pause the video, but Sunghoon doesnât even notice, only snapping out of his daze when you call out his name.
âHuh?â When his eyes find you, he almost looks surprised to see you, as if heâd forgotten you were there.
âAre you going to tell me whatâs wrong?â you ask, slightly frowning. âYou look so out of it today.â
âHuh? Iâm fine, nothingâs wrong,â he says dismissively and presses play, but you quickly pause the video again.
âIâm your best friend, Sunghoon, I know when somethingâs the matter and I know when youâre lying. We donât have to talk about it if you donât want to, but donât pretend everythingâs fine when we both know thatâs not true.â
He peers at you for a moment, cursing you for knowing him so well. He crosses his arm and averts his gaze, pouting like an angry child. âI hate it when youâre right.â
You giggle and make your way around the counter to him, standing inbetween his legs and wrapping your arms around his neck to make him look up at you. His hands come naturally up to your waist. âI justâŚâ he starts, then immediately stops himself with a sigh., âYouâve always had a crush on Heeseung. But these are our last couple months together, and I donât want somebody else taking up your attentionâŚâ
He buries his face between your breasts to hide his blush, and you canât help but giggle again. âStop laughing at me!â he protests, but the muffled sound of his voice just makes you laugh more. You stroke his hair and press a gentle kiss at the top of his head.
âSure, Iâm happy Heeseungâs coming back. But thereâs no one Iâd rather spend my summer with than you, Sunghoon, you should know that.â He leans back to look up at you with puppy eyes and a small pout. You cup his face, admiring how cute he looks like this, and smile softly down at him.
âReally?â
âReally,â you answer, and he leans in for a kiss.
Itâs a soft one. Itâs a patient kiss, neither of you urging to get somewhere else, to do something more. It reminds you of that kiss in his room a few weeks ago, when you were still curious and discovering each other. From then on, your kisses had become more feverish, more eager, more playful. But now, youâre taking your time. For now at least, neither of you is going anywhere. So your lips melt together slowly, and when you take breaks to breathe, you look each other in the eyes and smile before leaning back in.
Itâs when you sigh against his lips, eyes still closed as you pull away, that it hits him. I could do this forever, he thinks.
I could sit here with my arms around her waist and her lips against mine and the smell of chlorine and the sound of her laugh forever and Iâd never get tired of it, he thinks, but immediately afterwards, he realizes he wonât get to do this forever. Summer will end, youâll both head off to college, and youâll only get to see each other every few months until another summer comes. And who knows what might happen until then?
You might meet someone and realize Sunghoon isnât all that; hell, he might meet someone, but he highly doubts anyone could even come close to the way you make him feel.
âHello? Earth to Sunghoon?â you quietly joke, looking down at him with an affectionate look in your eyes. You press the pads of your fingers to his two moles before replacing your fingers with your lips, giving each one a quick peck. âYou were up on the moon for a minute there.â
Sunghoon hums softly, smiling as he lets himself melt under your touch. âSorry. Itâs just really hot, isnât it?â he says, a stupid excuse he uses as a blanket to cover his feelings. There is some sweat beading at his hairline, which helps make his lie more believable, but you donât need to know itâs not just because of the summer heat.
Slowly, your smile turns mischievous, and Sunghoon can tell you have an idea in mind. âIt is pretty hot⌠Wait here.â
He watches as you fill a tall glass with ice from the dispenser in the fridge and pop an ice cube in your mouth, a devilish smile on your face, and laughs when that smile is replaced with a frown as the coldness hits you and you spit it back into the glass, laughing along with him. âWhat the hell are you doing?â he asks between giggles.
âI got the idea a few days ago when we were having popsiclesâŚ,â you say looking down at the glass between your hands, slightly embarrassed. âYou kissed me and your mouth was really cold but it felt nice.â Sunghoon hums, egging you to go on. You lift the glass up to his cheeks, applying just a bit of pressure to the soft skin. âI thought this could be refreshing.âÂ
You take the ice cube back in your mouth, sucking on it but not letting it melt completely before pressing your lips against Sunghoonâs and opening your mouth just a bit so he could feel the cold of the ice cube. You feel his smile into the kiss as the ice cube swirls between your tongues, sending shivers down your spine.Â
âVery refreshing indeed,â he murmurs when the ice has completely melted. He gets up and takes the glass in one of his hands, leaning down to your level and says âCâmonâ with the same mischievous smile as you on his face.
You two hurry up the stairs, and when you get to his room, he hands you the glass before throwing himself on his back, laying on his back with his hands behind his head. âShow me what you had in mind.â
You straddle his hips and take an ice cube from the glass, rubbing it over his lips before pushing it inside his mouth, the cold making him hiss. You quickly counteract that by pressing your lips to his, the contrast of your warm tongue and the freezing ice turning him on more than he wouldâve thought.
When the ice has melted, you take another piece and brush it along his jaw, down his Adamâs apple and around his nipples. The cold temperature makes him squirm but he doesnât shy away from it, even closing his eyes to focus solely on the feeling. While you play with the ice cube, you also leave warm kisses all over his skin, reveling in its slightly salty taste from the thin layer of sweat. You let the ice cube melt between his abs and watch him wriggle as he sucks in a sharp breath, then grab another one, starting off where the previous one stopped. You circle his navel while your fingers play with the hem of his swimming trunks. He pulls them down himself and you chuckle at his eagerness. âI shouldâve known you liked the cold, with all those years of ice skating you did,â you tease. Â
Heâs almost fully hard, and it only takes a few kisses and trailing the ice cube down his inner thighs to have his dick fully erect. Heâd only been letting out small sighs and hisses until now, but when you grab another ice cube and circle it around his sensitive tip, he throws his head back into the pillows and moans loudly. You push your luck and drag the ice cube down his shaft, his thighs snapping together when it reaches his balls. You put it in your mouth and let it melt so that your tongue is still cold when you swirl it around his tip, already tasting precum there. But before you can take him further in your mouth, he calls out your name.
âWait. I donât wanna cum just yet. My turn.â
He shakes his shoulders in excitement as you switch positions, you taking your t-shirt and bikini top off and laying on your back and him sitting down with one knee on each side of your thighs, an ice cube in his hand and a giddy smile on his face.
He brushes it over your lips before pushing it just a bit into your mouth, holding onto it with two fingers while you suck on it, gazes locked in each other. Just as you did earlier, he trails it down your throat and your chest until they reach your nipples, marveling at the thin wet trail it leaves in its wake. He licks this trail as he circles one of your nipples with the ice cube, and you donât know if you should focus on his warm tongue or on the cold ice cube. Once itâs melted, he takes another one and circles your other nipple with it, his mouth coming to wrap around the now cold one. Your hands fly up to grab at his hair, your back arching into his touch as you moan and pant loudly.
He sucks and licks at your nipples until youâre calling out his name, begging for more. As nice as his mouth or an ice cube around your nipples feel, your pussy is throbbing and desperate for attention. âSunghoon⌠Please,â you whine.
âPlease what?â he teases, looking up from your breasts with a smirk.
You whine again, knowing he knows full well what you want. âPleaseâŚâ
He trails the ice cube down your stomach, circling your navel a few times where it melts before slipping two cold fingers underneath your bikini bottoms. âIs this what you want, baby?,â he asks as he rubs his fingers between his folds, and you whine at the feeling of having him so close to your hole and to your clit but not quite there either. He smirks when you nod frantically but whine at the loss of his fingers against you as he takes your bottoms off and reaches for another ice cube.
You release a loud moan and arch your back off the bed when the ice cube touches your clit. âFuck, Hoon!â
He rubs the ice cube up and down your folds, your heat melting it much faster than your skin. He takes another one and brings it to your entrance this time, circling around it before pushing the ice cube in and staring with wonder as it melts quickly. He holds your hips down so you stop bucking them up, whimpering at the amazing feeling of the ice against you. He replaces the ice cube with his fingers inside of you and his tongue on your clit, sucking expertly at the sensitive bud and lapping at your juices. And while it feels good - God, does it feel good - and you let Sunghoon know just how nice it feels with your moans, whispers of his names and the way you hold onto his hair, youâre craving something more.
Itâs something youâve been wanting for the past few days, but you couldnât quite put your finger on it. No matter how nice Sunghoonâs fingers and mouth felt, they didnât make you feel close to him enough. You wanted to be so close to him you didnât know where you ended and where he started; you wanted to feel him.Â
You pull him up by the face, asking him to come here and getting lost in his lips as soon as they reach your level. God, Sunghoonâs kisses. You could drown in them. But still, that craving, that need for more. And now that his body is pressed up against yours and you can feel his erection against your thigh, so close to your core, you think you know what it is that you want. âHmm, pleaseâŚâ
âYou keep asking me for something, but you donât tell me what it is.â
âYou. I want you, Hoon, please,â you beg, murmuring against his lips as you wrap your legs around his hips and bring him even closer, his cock now pressing against your cunt.
âM-me?,â he asks, leaning back just a bit, but you pull him back in right away, resting his forehead against yours.
âYes, please. I need to feel you inside me.â
Your words are enough to get a moan out of Sunghoon. âFuck, you have no idea how long Iâve been waiting for this,â he pants, planting kisses all over your face and neck. Usually, youâd giggle at the ticklish sensation, but right now, youâre so drunk on pleasure, it just makes your breath even shallower and your core wetter.
âHow long?â
âGod. Since the second time we kissed probably,â he replies, reaching for a condom in the drawer of his bedside table. You think back to that moment six weeks ago (how has it been six weeks already?, you think), after you and Sunghoon had made up and made out on his couch in front of a horror movie. Heâd wanted you for that long? And heâd waited for you to say something since then?
âTodayâs your lucky day, then,â you tease in an attempt to alleviate the need for him that takes over your bones, but his gaze when he looks back at you ruins any effort. If anything, it just makes you need him even more. You feel like you might explode if you donât have him right now.
You watch as he clumsily wraps the condom around his member, clearly never having done this before, but you wouldnât be of any help, so you let him figure it out on his own. You let your head fall back as he rubs his tip up and down your folds, gathering your slick on his dick before aligning himself at your entrance and giving you a long, deep kiss.
âAre you sure about this?â he asks, forehead on yours.
âYeah. Are you?â
âYeah, I am. But Iâm also scared.â
âScared of what, Hoon?â you ask, opening your eyes to look at him. You caress his cheek and cup his face in your hands, watching softly as he lets his head rest on your palm.
âIâm scared of hurting you. I heard it hurts the first time. And Iâm scaredâŚâ he closes his eyes and frowns a bit. âIâm scared itâll feel too good. That Iâll always want it. You.â
You take a small moment to think, your thumb brushing over his cheek in what you hope is a comforting manner. âYou wonât hurt me, Hoon. It only hurts if youâre not ready⌠And Iâm plenty ready. I know youâll take it slow.â You smile softly when he nods, turning his head to kiss your palm. But if sex is as good as youâve heard it is, youâre also scared that it might be the best thing youâve ever experienced and that youâll never get enough. You and Sunghoon have been meeting up almost everyday this summer and it has more often than not ended up with one of you between the otherâs legs; you could never get bored of the things he made you feel or of knowing you were making him feel those exact same things. If you couldnât live without his fingers, how could you live without his dick?
How could you live without him?
You tried to snap out of those thoughts, reassuring yourself that even before all of this you couldnât imagine yourself living without Sunghoon, and that there was no reason this should change anything. âAnd donât be scared of that, silly,â you say, making him smile. âIâll always be here, Sunghoon. Iâll always want you, too.âÂ
âFuck, okay,â he whispers, kissing your lips once before pulling himself up on his palms, hovering over you. âTell me if you need me to stop, yeah?â he asks and waits for you to nod before finally pushing in.
You instantly moan when you feel his tip inside you, and Sunghoon stops, frantically asking if youâre okay. It takes some convincing to get him to push himself further in. âIt feels so good, Hoon. Please keep going.â
You tell him to not stop until heâs fully inside you, and he obeys, even though he wants to stop when he sees your frown and your sharp intakes of breath. When heâs buried to a hilt, he canât help but collapse on top of you, burying his face in your neck and wrapping his arms tightly around your waist. âY/N,â he drawls out. âFeels so fucking good. So tight,â he murmurs against your neck.
âMmh. Give me a minute, baby.â Your hands caress up and down the expanse of his back and you feel him relax on top of you. As you adjust around his length, the stretch starts to feel more and more pleasurable, until pleasure is the only thing you feel. âHoon?â
âYeah?â he says, kissing and nibbling softly at your neck and earlobe.
âYou can move, now.â
Sunghoon doesnât need to be told twice and ever-so-slowly slides out of you, leaving only the tip in before he slides back in. His thrusts are slow but deep, and itâs everything youâve ever wanted and more. Heâs barely started but youâre both already whimpering messes, holding onto each other tightly as pleasure like neither of you has felt before takes over your entire bodies.
As you both get more comfortable, his pace picks up just a tiny bit and you tentatively raise your legs higher so that theyâre hooked around the back of his knees instead of laying on the bed. The new angle only adds to the intense pleasure, but you donât even realize youâre crying until Sunghoon stops mid-thrust, wiping your tears with his thumb and worryingly asking if youâre okay and if it hurts and if he should stop. You open your eyes and smile, instantly calming his nerves. You bring his head closer to yours and kiss him like youâd stop breathing if you didnât. âIt feels so fucking good, Hoon. So, so good.â
He sighs out of relief and resumes his actions, heart swelling with pride that heâs making you feel so good, youâre crying. Heâs always hated seeing you cry or hurt in general; but knowing what kind of tears these are, he thinks you look so pretty with tears streaming down your face. His hands grip your thighs a bit tighter as he quickens his pace, already addicted to the feeling of your warm walls taking him in so well.
He slips out a few times but youâre always quick to guide him back inside you. He lifts his body up a bit to get a deeper angle, hoping itâll get him to stop slipping out, and heâs blown away by the sight underneath him. He thinks youâve never looked so gorgeous as you do now, legs spread wide for him, cheeks flushed, brows furrowed and mouth agape for him. He kisses your tears, the salty taste bringing a smile to his lips. âSo perfect,â he whispers against your mouth. âYou look so beautiful.â
Sunghoon takes your legs and wraps them higher around his hips, the new angle hitting a spot inside you thatâs making you see stars and has you moaning his name like itâs the only thing you know how to say. You feel that familiar tension build up inside your stomach much faster and much stronger than it usually does.
âFuck, Sunghoon, Iâm gonna cum,â you warn, and a harsher thrust inside you is what pushes you over the edge, the sensation crashing into you and making your thighs shake. An orgasm has never hit you this hard before.
Youâre clenching around him like crazy and Sunghoon gasps as you milk him dry, his own orgasm hitting him all at once. He shoots his release inside the condom and stills inside you, breath completely taken away by the sudden, overwhelming sensation.
He lays on top of you for a moment as you both catch your breaths, trying to make sense of how something can feel this good without killing you instantly. He apologizes when his pulling out makes you wince and kisses the top of your head. He rolls onto his back, pulling you with him so that youâre now almost lying on top of him, head against his chest as his arms wrap themselves around you. You leave kisses all over his chest and neck and his hands caress your back.
âThat was amazing.â
âI know, right?â he responds immediately, his enthusiasm making you laugh.
âThanks, Hoon,â you say timidly, voice muffled against his skin.
âFor what?â
âFor making me feel this good.â
He chuckles. âNo need to thank me, pretty. If anything, I should thank you for letting me make you feel good, and on top of that making me feel good.â
You hum at his words and you both stay there for a bit longer, enjoying each otherâs warmth. Something blooms inside your chest, and you donât know whether to let it grow or to squash it down. It feels nice, almost too nice, and youâre scared it might get ripped away from you and it wonât feel so nice then.
Friendship, sex, love. In those weeks spent with Sunghoon, those previously clear lines have blurred to a point they were all one big messy ball of feelings and not three distinct things you could tell apart. Has sex turned your friendship with Sunghoon into something romantic? Or is that just an illusion, and being so intimate with your best friend has messed up your once platonic vision of him? But was your vision of him ever platonic?
Haven't the two of you always been teased about liking each other for a reason? After all, you and Sunghoon didn't grow up together, and heâs never felt like a brother to you. He has always been your male friend; youâve always been aware that he was your friend who was also a boy. When you'd moved in the house next to his, you hadnât instantly clicked; it took a while for the ice skating prodigy to warm up to you, but his parents had warmly welcomed yours into the neighborhood and quickly became friends, so it was only a matter of time before heâd open up to the idea of you being around. Constantly.
Youâd walk to and from school together, do homework together, go on family trips together, cheer each other on at your respective competitions. After his ice skating lessons, when his coach let him have the whole place to himself for a bit more practice, heâd tie your ice skates for you and drag you onto the ice rink, holding you by the waist or shoulders as he skated backwards in front of you, but also laughing at you when you inevitably fell. Heâd tease you for getting second place at the science fair or for getting your arguments torn apart during Model United Nations, but the way heâd be a little nicer to you or share his food more often that week wouldnât escape you.
Being a handsome young ice skater, Sunghoon had developed quite the loyal following of boys and girls alike who would come to see him at his competitions. He thrived off of the attention, but no matter how much he enjoyed his fansâ admiration, you were always the one heâd skate to after having won first place, hugging you tightly over the barrier separating the ice from the bleachers. Especially during your younger teen years, Sunghoon wasnât one for skinship or PDA, so it always meant that much more to you that even after his most important wins, you were the first thing on his mind. It never failed to make your stomach flip, and all the death stares from his fans in the world couldnât have changed a thing.
You were already close, but you became practically inseparable after Sunghoonâs injury. During the competition that would have gotten him a place at the Youth Winter Olympics had he won, his nerves got the best of him and he didnât land his triple axel, hurting his ankle in the process. Ten years of dedication and hard work, ruined in mere seconds. To say that it destroyed him would be an understatement.
You were the one to bring him back up. You listened to him when he needed to vent, held him when he needed a shoulder to cry on, cheered him up when he needed to smile. He didnât even need to tell you what he needed, you seemed to just know. You reminded him that he had a lot more value than his medals and trophies and that he didnât need them to be complete. His family and friends tried their best to make him feel better, but their words never reached him quite like yours did.
Slowly but surely, his confidence came back. Heâd lost his fans, but heâd gained a friend he knew would always be there for him. His dimples would appear more often, his laugh would resonate louder. His injury had made the two of you grow closer, creating a bond that would only strengthen over time.
And yet there were moments when being friends wasnât enough. When calling him your best friend didnât feel right. You had other friends, friends you were close to; sure, maybe not as close as to Sunghoon, but close nonetheless. And you didnât feel that way around them.
Their laugh didnât make your heart skip a beat. You didnât want to bury your face in their necks and breathe in their scent when they hugged you. You didnât want to know every single detail of their day. And you surely didnât feel a pang of jealousy in your chest when they danced with another girl at your school ball.
You also didnât crave their lips on yours every single day since it had happened for the first time and didnât want to see what they sounded or looked like while getting the life sucked out of them through their dick.
Everybody told you it was obvious you were âmore than friends.â Why did romantic love have to be âmoreâ than platonic love? Why were there levels to it? You didnât like the idea of taking your relationship with Sunghoon âone step furtherâ; that wasnât the way it felt to you. Rather, it felt like having to change everything you knew and create something new. Something where you could see him laugh and tell him about your day, but where you could also kiss him and graze his skin with your fingertips. Something that only you could share with him and only he could share with you. But you were afraid the friendship would fall apart if things didn't work out. So, instead of taking the risk of changing everything, you made sure things would stay the same. Youâd tell the butterflies raging in your stomach to settle down and you wouldnât let yourself fall into his touch in case itâd be like falling from the highest mountain.
That is, until he kissed you. Until this moment, right now, lying in his arms, ear right over his heart so you can hear it beat for you. You look up at him. His eyes are closed and a soft smile rests on his lips. He looks so peaceful. He always looks pleased when youâve just been together, but right now, he seems to be in such a serene state, it almost makes you laugh.
Now that youâve given in to your feelings, youâve realized just how strong they were this whole time. Nothing has ever felt better than being in Sunghoonâs arms, than being able to see him at his most vulnerable state and to give all of you to him. All those things you didnât know about him just six weeks ago, you know them by heart now. Youâre sure thereâs other things to find out, and youâll make sure you will.
But summer wonât last forever.
A wave of sadness slaps you right in the face, bringing you back to reality. Thereâll come a time where you and Sunghoon wonât be able to lounge around all day or lazily make-out at your will. Youâll go your own ways and not see each other for months at a time. The thought of that is unbearable, and you feel like looking at Sunghoon for a second longer might rip your heart into a million pieces.
When you sit up, tearing yourself away from his grip, he immediately opens his eyes, asking whatâs wrong.
âJust need to go to the bathroom. I heard you can get STIs from not peeing after sex,â you half-lie. He nods and falls back into the bed.Â
You rush to the toilet, needing to get far away from Sunghoon as quickly as possible. Even your pee smells different - guess thatâs what having a dick inside you will do to you. You wash your hands and look in the mirror: your skin is darker in some spots, surely Sunghoonâs work. So not only did he mess with your thoughts, he also had to make your body all weird, too?
You splash your face with cold water, hoping it will bring you back to your senses. You and Sunghoon have been best friends for years. Thereâs no point in changing all of that now, is there? Youâll be leaving soon enough, anyway. Why ruin a perfectly fine friendship for a summer fling?
Those are your thoughts as you head back to Sunghoonâs bedroom, ready to tell him that this whole thing was a mistake and you should just pretend it never happened. But your resolve crumbles at your feet as soon as you step inside the room.
Sunghoonâs got a couple of snacks ready as he browses through Netflix in search of an appropriate movie. âHow about Twilight?â he says when he feels the bed dip under your weight next to him. He kisses your forehead and pulls you down on the bed with him so that youâre lying back against his chest.
Screw it, you think. Whatever this is, itâs much more than a summer fling.
--
The rest of the summer goes by in a flash. No, you donât try to make Sunghoon jealous by flirting with Heeseung; if the mention of the latterâs name was enough to get your friend mad, then purposefully twirling your hair or batting your eyelashes at the older boy just might make Sunghoon white-boy-punch a hole into a wall. And itâs not like Heeseung would try coming onto you, either, with how clingy Sunghoon gets when heâs around, always an arm around your waist and a glare that could kill Heeseung.
Sunghoon gradually opens up to Heeseung being around, even though it takes you reminding him almost daily that heâs the one whose arms you wanna end up in over anybodyâs. After a couple weeks, Sunghoon stops looking like he's on the brink of starting a fight every time Heeseung so much as talks to you or hands you a glass of lemonade, and finally relaxes around him.
You spend countless sleepless nights with Sunghoon. Youâve probably memorized every single one of his moles by now, and youâve made sure to kiss all of them. He holds you against him like he might lose you at any given moment. The only nights you donât fall asleep in each otherâs embrace are when either one of you is sleeping over at your friendâs house. On those nights, sleep always takes hours before washing over you, the lack of warmth keeping you awake.
Your friends and you spend entire days at the lake or by Sunghoonâs pool, not a care in the world. You rest your head on Sunghoonâs shoulder as you watch the fireworks Jake and Jay bought go off. Sunghoon grills your marshmallows for you, blowing on them so they cool down before handing you the stick. You try to ignore how the night air gets slightly chillier and how the sun sets slightly earlier, but by the last days of August, it becomes too noticeable. When September rolls around, youâre sure thereâs a small crack in your heart.
You know Sunghoon feels the end of summer too. His kisses are deeper and his lips linger over yours a second longer. He frowns when he kisses you and hugs you, like heâs trying to remember what it feels like. His usual playful demeanor when youâre in bed together is gone, instead seemingly hellbent on making you feel good and almost begging you to say his name. As if you could say any other name. As if you could say anything else.
Neither of you mention your departure until the night before you leave. After spending the evening with your friends, you lie together in bed, the side of your face resting against his chest so you can feel his heart against your ear. Heâs tracing patterns with his fingertips on your back, and it takes you a while to figure out heâs spelling his name over and over again, as if to etch it in your skin. When, once in a while, he takes his hand off of you to reach for his phone, you can still feel his fingers caressing you, ghostlike against your skin.
The air around you feels heavy, pressing the both of you down into the mattress. You wish the bed would eat you alive so you could stay there, warm against each other, as long as you like. You know you canât leave without talking first, but the words wonât come to you. Instead, they float around the bed, weighing your heart down into your stomach.
âSo,â you start. You're unsure what to say, but you know this conversation has to happen, one way or another. In the end, you settle on, âExcited to leave?â
Sunghoon scoffs lightly, his motions on your back coming to a stop. âNot really, no. Itâs not like Iâm leaving that far, and half of our school is going to our uni.â
âMaybe, but thereâll be tons of other people. Tons of other girls, too,â you add after a short pause.
âDonât do this, Y/N, please.â
You sit up at his words. He covers his eyes with his forearm and takes a deep breath in, sensing an incoming argument. âDo what?â
âThis. Getting mad at me when I havenât done anything.â
âIâm not mad at you,â you protest, frowning down at him.
âNo? Then whatâs this?â he says, smoothing down the lines between your eyebrows and on your forehead with the pad of a finger.
âWhatever.â You nudge your head away from his touch. It burns. âItâs not like Iâm wrong, anyway. Youâre gonna have a bunch of girls at your feet, and youâll know what to do with them, right? Now that youâre not a virgin?â you question, avoiding his gaze.
âY/NâŚâ he sighs, shutting his eyes tighter as if in pain.
âWhat? This was the whole reason why, right? Get experience with me so you could fuck girls better, no?â
âY/N!â he says, raising his voice enough to let you know heâs upset but not enough to scare you. He sits up, looking at you with hurt and disbelief in his eyes. âWhatâs this all of a sudden? Itâs not like I forced you into this! We agreed on it together!â
âSo you agree? That this summer was just about getting experience and now youâll use it on other girls and pretend like we,â you gesture between the two of you, ânever happened?â
âWhat do you mean âagreeâ? I never said any of this! Donât put words into my mouth!â
He watches as you get up from the bed, arms crossed and pacing his room. He calls out to you a few times, but you donât stop to look at him until he speaks your name with a sternness youâve never heard before from him. âWhat?â you snap.
âI donât get why youâre acting like this out of nowhere! We both knew summer was gonna end at some point, and why we were doing this! Why are you blaming me now?â
âBecause⌠becauseâŚâ you sigh, scrambling for an excuse. Why were you doing this? The thought of Sunghoon doing what he did to you to another girl, making her feel as good as he had made you feel, kissing her like he had kissed you, made you sick. It made you see red, it made you want to make him wear a shirt with your face on it so everybody knew he was yours.
Sunghoon gets up and stands close in front of you, too close. You close your eyes. If you see his moles, you might reach out to touch them and let yourself fall even more. If you fall, youâll need to get up, but his scent makes your knees weak.
His hands find your face, holding a little too gently, you think. Your small ones wrap around his wrists and grip them, a little too harshly, he thinks.Â
You take a step back and finally look into his eyes. Thereâs hope in them; hope youâll say what he wants, what he needs to hear. That you want him like he wants you. That you wish summer wasnât over. That youâll keep him in your heart until you can see him again. So, when what you say next is none of the above, he feels his heart sink down to his feet, leaving a murky puddle there.
âI canât do this.â
You rush out of the room, practically running home. You fight your tears back until you slam your bedroom behind you, pathetically sinking to the ground as you let out a loud sob. You don't have the energy to get up, and cry into your hoodie's sleeve right there on the floor.
When youâve calmed down a bit, you get up and lay in your bed, hiding your whole body underneath the covers. Maybe this is for the best, you think. If you end it like this, you wonât have the knowledge of whether heâll wait to have you back or heâll move on like nothing happened. That way, you can do whatever you want, not caring about what heâs up to.Â
But even now, your hands subconsciously reach out towards a person thatâs not there and your feet hang over the edge of your bed as though to get up and run to him anytime. You curl in on yourself to stop your body from aching for him. It doesnât work very well.
Sunghoon stays where you left him for a few minutes, too stunned to move. Should he run after you? Should he let you cool off for a bit and talk to you in the morning? Would you be mad at him if he didnât try to see you now or would the mere sight of him just make you angrier? He plops down on his bed as these questions run through his mind, butting into each other and making everything more confusing.Â
He thinks back on everything that led to this, and his mind settles on that day a few days after graduation where his thoughts had dropped to the lowest pits of hell. If only you hadnât brought those two damned lollipops.
--
The next morning, Sunghoon wakes up as if somebody had slapped him awake. He doesnât bother to brush his teeth or eat anything before running over to your house, almost forgetting to put shoes on. He finds you in your room, packing the last of your things into an already full suitcase. He stands at your door, panting as his hands rest on his knees.
âYou havenât left yet. Thank God.â
âGod, Hoon. Itâs not that far between your house and mine. How are you so out of breath,â you say, glancing at him from the corner of your eye.
He walks to you and kneels in front of you, taking you in his arms before you can say anything. âTalk to me, please. Donât leave like this. Iâd never forgive myself if you left and you were mad at me, Y/N.â
You thought youâd cried so much last night that there was not a single drop of water left in your body, but you thought wrong. Your eyes immediately well up at his words, and he leans back when he hears a soft sniffle escaping you. Only then does he notice how puffy your eyes from all your crying.
âNo, no⌠Have you been crying? Iâm so sorry, pretty, please donât cry,â he pouts, pulling you back into his embrace. It hasnât even been half a day, but you missed his warmth so much, it only makes you cry harder.
After sobbing against his chest, possibly staining his shirt in the process, you pull away and in your light-headed, dehydrated state, spill your heart out. âItâs so stupid,â you sob. âWeâre not gonna see each other for months and Iâm gonna miss you so much and I donât want you to be with other girls. I want you all to myself and I donât want to be your friend that you fucked for a summer just so you could get experience, it was a stupid idea in the first place, if you wanted to kiss me, you shouldâve just kissed me. But you didnât just kiss me and now Iâm scared that this all meant nothing to you but everything to me and that I donât want to be friends anymore but you do and Iâm mad that it took me all summer to say this even though Iâve known it for years but I didnât want to admit it to myself but also you didnât say anything and Iâm mad about that too. Because thereâs no way you donât feel like I do but maybe you actually donât and-â
Whatever you were about to say dies out against Sunghoonâs lips as he presses his lips to yours, interrupting your rambling. He pulls away, looking at you with a huge, stupid grin. Heâs so stupid, you think. I love him so much.
âFucking hell, Y/N. Iâve been waiting for you to say this so bad, you have no idea.â
You punch his chest, frowning at him. Those stupid tears wonât stop. Everything is so stupid. âThen why didnât you say it first?â
âBecause I didnât know how to. You know Iâm bad with words. And I was scared itâd make things weird.â
âI donât want things to be weird,â you pout.
âI donât want things to be weird, either. I want things to be nice and happy.â
You giggle. âThatâs so stupid.â
âRight? Itâs so stupid,â he repeats, kissing you again.
âYour breath smells,â you complain when he pulls away.
âAnd you have tears on your lips. Tastes salty,â he teases.
âYeah, thanks to who?â
âSorry.â He smiles and kisses you again. He holds you against him for a while, enjoying this last moment together. As long as he can see a smile on your face before you leave, heâll be fine.
âIâm gonna miss you so much too, Y/N. And forget about those non-existent girls. Thereâs no one Iâd rather be with than you.â
âHow do you know? You havenât met any of them yet,â you say, voice muffled against his t-shirt.
âIâve met other girls before. None of them compare to you,â he says, and you immediately gag at how clichĂŠ it sounds. âWhat?! Itâs true,â he giggles.
âYouâre not gonna go and date a random guy, are you?â
âOf course not. None of them compare to you,â you say, lowering your voice to imitate his.
He helps you finish packing, and when youâre done, you lay together on your bed, not saying much because not much needs to be said. Your parents struggle to tear you away from each other and from your bed when itâs time to leave. He helps your dad put your baggage in the trunk of his car, telling you to not lift a finger so you watch him go to and from the car, leaving a kiss on your forehead every time he walks past you. You notice with a smile that he doesnât carry much at once, making him have to go back-and-forth quite often.
After saying goodbye to your family, your dad waits in the car as you and Sunghoon hang back awkwardly, kicking small pebbles on the pavement. He takes your hand in his, making you look up at him, then takes the other hand, then hugs you close to him.
âIâm gonna miss you,â you say, as if that wasnât obvious. Youâre trying hard to fight tears from falling again, but itâs like thereâs an ocean behind your eyes, water somehow never running out.Â
âI already miss you,â he says, and thatâs enough to get you to sob again, which makes him start crying too. Youâre crying, heâs crying, your mom is crying from the porch as she watches the two of you, itâs a mess.
You force yourself away from him, cupping his face in your hands. âWeâll see each other soon, okay? And college will be fun. You wonât even have time to miss me. But make time to think about me, yeah? And text me.â
âI will. Iâll think about you all the time, I already do,â he says.
âOkay,â you whisper and hug him one last time, very briefly, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Youâre about to walk away but he doesnât let go of your hand and pulls on your arm to bring you back to him.
Pressing his forehead against yours, he whispers, âI love you,â and you sob.
âI love you, too.â
This time, when you walk away, he lets you go. He watches as you get into the passengerâs seat and as the car drives away, as it takes you away from him. You watch him stand there in the rearview mirror, until his silhouette becomes smaller, and smaller, and smaller, until you canât see him at all anymore.
--
Summer went and fall came as they do every year. Dead leaves are falling but itâs a new start for you. Itâs a new town and you donât know anybody, but you click instantly with your roommate and make new friends throughout your first week there. You realize everybodyâs in the same boat, and theyâre all eager to meet people and are curious about college life. You love your classes but complain about them nonetheless. You eat more ramen than youâd like to admit and turn up hungover at a 9 am class on a Thursday. You pull all-nighters at the library and develop a caffeine dependency. Youâre a college student.
You and Sunghoon were very dramatic when you left, you soon realize. You call almost everyday. Heâs not there with you and you miss him but at least you donât have to pretend youâre not stupidly in love with him anymore. Because itâs stupid, being in love, it really is. You wouldnât trade it for the world.
Your first semester passes by almost too quickly, and before you know it, youâre on the drive home, already one eighth of the way through university. Youâre excited to go home, but Sunghoonâs finals last a week longer so you wait around for him. When you complain about it, Chaeyoung tells you to get a grip. âYou havenât seen him in three months, Iâm sure you can handle another week.â
And you can, but barely. You were about to explode but then heâs back and youâre in his arms and his hair is still so soft, his scent is still so comforting and his moles are still there. You kiss them both before you finally press your lips to his, and it makes you feel so alive, you could die right then and there.
You lie on his bed and talk for hours as if you didnât keep in touch the whole time and itâs like you never left. Itâs like summer never ended and youâve just been lying in his bed the whole time, college just one big fever dream.Â
But his skin doesnât smell like chlorine anymore, and heâs not in his swimming trunks. Itâs fall, almost winter, and youâre kissing Park Sunghoon. You realize you can kiss him whatever the season and you find comfort in that. It was a big day (you cried a lot when you saw him) and youâre tired so you think youâll kiss for a bit and thatâll be all but then he whispers âI missed you so muchâ against your neck and a fire lights inside your stomach. Oh, how it burns. You think it might consume you whole, but you donât dislike that idea.
In a flash, youâre on top of him, his shirt is off, your shirt is off, but itâs not enough so you take your pants off too and Sunghoon is confused as to why youâre going so fast, but follows you anyway. âWhatâs going on?â he asks when youâre done with the taking off of your clothes and have moved on to kissing and biting at his neck like itâs your first meal in ages, because it is.
âI missed you too,â you simply answer, and he smirks as he nods slowly, now understanding your eagerness.
âMissed me that much, huh?â he teases, letting his head fall back against the pillow so you have better access to his neck.
âShut up. Kiss me,â you order, and he doesnât need to be told twice. Your kisses are ravenous and desperate, very fitting for two horny people in love who havenât seen each other in months. But the pulse in your core makes you too impatient to stay anywhere for too long, and really, itâs not your fault if youâre grinding down onto Sunghoonâs clothed erection, itâs just that he smells too good and you missed him too much.
Sunghoon laughs at you for being so impatient to hide just how impatient he is. His giggles keep him from moaning loudly enough to wake the whole house, and you laugh as you tell him to stop laughing.
âIâm serious. I missed you so much. Need you so bad,â you say as you get rid of your underwear and quickly do the same for his. He gasps when he feels you take his dick in your hand and brush its tip between your folds, both out of pleasure and out of surprise.
âShouldnât I get you ready? Stretch you out a bit?â he asks, his hands roaming up and down your back as he sits up on the bed so that youâre straddling his lap, and you shake your head no. Youâre probably already embarrassingly wet from your short makeout session, anyway.
âI donât care if it hurts,â you say, lining his tip with your entrance. âNeed to feel you.â
You sink down on his cock, the both of you releasing loud moans at the long-awaited feeling. He lets you adjust to his size for a minute, but as soon as you move your hips just a bit, signaling to him that youâre ready for more, itâs over for you. He wanted to be patient and take his time, he really did, but you feel so warm around him and your small whimpers are so pretty that his resolve of letting you take the lead is thrown out the window. He pounds into you at a rapid pace that has you biting his shoulder to keep yourself from screaming.
You had imagined your first time back with Sunghoon so many times before. It usually involved a nice playlist in the background, fairy lights and candles lighting the room, hours of foreplay and sensual lovemaking, with a nice bath afterwards. Sometimes, when you were particularly needy for him, you imagined something closer to what was actually happening, where youâd rip each otherâs clothes as soon as you got to the bedroom and fucked like animals (a bit much, admittedly, but you really missed him).
What you definitely hadnât expected, however, was that youâd both cum in less than five minutes. What could you do, though, when he was hitting your g-spot over and over again, his length stretching you perfectly as he whispered in your ear how much heâd missed you and how good you felt? And what could he do when you took him in so well, clinging onto him as you told him how much youâd missed him and how good he felt?
You finish at the same time, hole clenching around him and milking him dry. He doesnât pull out for a while, letting you collapse onto him as you both catch your breaths, just like you had that first time. âThat was a bit quick,â he pants, and you canât help but laugh.Â
You pull back to look at his face. Itâs so pretty and stupid. What a stupid face that you love so much. Do you love it because itâs stupid or is it stupid because you love it? You think that thatâs a stupid question, and you kiss the mole on his nose, then the mole on his cheek, right next to his nose.
âWe have all night to go slower.â
âWe have all Christmas break,â he corrects.
We have the rest of our lives, you think, and you think that might be a bit much, but you say it anyway. Sunghoon hums and says, âyes, we do,â and you think maybe itâs not all that stupid.
Maybe itâs the greatest thing thatâs ever been.
Š asahicore on Tumblr, 2023. please do not repost, translate, or plagiarize my works. support your creators by reblogging and leaving feedback!
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Witch things to add in your room, poor person edition
Fuck it Most of witchcraft people tell you to buy shit. So here's some stuff u can do for free
grab some sticks from the ground, bind them together in a shape you like, add intent (usually protection), hang it up
make a flower crown, add protection intent, dry it out, hang it up. protection spell and real ward. regularly recharge intent.
dry plants, set warding intent, hang them up.
crushed eggshells on your window sill to prevent bad energy.
wear a bandana or veil somewhere on your body, sometimes i use mine as belts, to protect from bad vibes.
paint your nails in the color meaning you want. mine are pink for self attraction rn
when you light up a candle always ask if theres a spirit or entity there, pyromancy skills can be learned through google, tumblr, and tiktok.
Regularly clean and rearrange your altar if you can't practice everyday, this keeos the space clean and shows entities around that even if ur not active, you're still a witch
A cup of water can be an offering to anyone, imagine being an entity and you can't have water at all for centuries??
If you have glasses, draw a sigil on them while you clean them (i usually wash mine with soap and water to make it extra clean ((and dry with paper towels)))
Give your wall art jobs. Sure they can be decorative, or they can be extra eyes to watch you while you sleep to make sure no one messes with you. (Ive had so much wall art fall in the middle of the night and turns out smth was trying to get in my room...)
If you have black-out/thick curtains, let the sun in!!! I keep them tied during the day so i can use natural light and ease up my electricity bill
Change ur bedsheets semi regularly, it doesn't need to be every week, but keep in mind bedbugs and other entities can get trapped there... or even try to get there to make your sleep unrestful.
If your room is a bio-hazard, at least make pathways so you can walk without injuring yourself.
Thats all i have for now <3 blessed be and fuck capitalism
#witchcraft#witchblr#beginner witch#baby witch#witch#witch community#witch tips#grimoire#kitchen witch#magick
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