#not done a single productive thing
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#ooc.#personal //#sorry again to come on here just to complain#but im in such a shit position i cant keep fucking doing this#im so wound up all the time#these tablets are meant to help me but so far all they've done is make me even more short tempered#i can't write#writing is usually my outletbut i can't fucking form a single sentence without hating it#i can't concentrate long enough to do anything worthwhile#and any typo i make makes me genuinely lose my top and see red#on top of that i can t help but spend my time convincing myself that people don't want anything to do with m e#i feel lik ei have to force any conversation i have with people who used to feel like they Want to talk to me#and now im sat here having a crying fit because i've been sat for an hour staring at both my blogs and my personal writing google doc and#not done a single productive thing#playing hsr is boring now too#tell me ur depressed without telling me your depressed :')#i hate it#i hate myself#this is so fucking exhausting but then i feel even worse if i just spend my days laying in bed doing nothing!#if i go radio silent then u all know why i guess
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Me: I should probably clean my room, unpack, find my laptop and finish the work tasks that were due yesterday
Also me: I think I'm going to hot glue flowers, vines, and ribbons to a basket instead :)
#no my room is so bad it even hurts my chronically messy soul#i moved back in with my parents in May and im terrible at unpacking#so everything is just strewn about because i just pulled shit out of boxes when i needed them and never put them anywhere productive#and i just got back from my summer camp job. i still need to digitize my inventory and write my closing report#it was supposed to be done before i left camp but i convinced them to let me do it by monday#today is tuesday#part of the reason i havent done it is because my laptop is lost in this mess#last thing im procrastinating is ren faire prep#truly its not much prep just adding vines and flowers to a basket and needing to try on my whole outfit#and practice my makeup and hair#makeup will be light bcuz i dont know how to do makeup#so im just doing some lipstick and glittery highlight#and i need to figure out what to do with my hair. i have a tiara that i might see about fastening into the braids#or i may braid ribbons into my hair. gotta test to see whoch one i like better#i am so fucking excited for ren faire bcuz im going with my gf and some of her friends#im so excited to meet her friends and spend time with her outside of the summer camp we worked at together#AND im going to do her hair and she asked me to braid ribbons into her hair so im so excited#i just need to practice some braids to figure out how i want to do her hair and practice braiding in ribbons#i fucking love doing hair and i cant wait to do hers. ive done single strand braods for her before BUT#she has long beautiful hair and ive been wanting to try more braids on her and i think i have an idea of what i want to do#but instead of doing anything productive. i am sitting in bed. doing nothing#(spoiler alert its because every time i leave camp i get treated to a terrible depressive episode)#(its because i lose the routine and sunshine and exercise and social aspect of camp probably)#(now worsened by the terrible state of my room and the passing of one of my rats while i was at camp that i just learned about)#anyway im doing fine. gonna go do something now ig
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there is a rapidly evolving rhetoric against transgender cowardice that is deeply shaming nd it worries me a lot
#myposts#'medical transition invariably and always will expose u to harm and violence and if it doesnt ur not doing it right'#'medical transition is the single most important thing u can do u have to do it'#what do u mean the first statement makes u hesitant to participate in the second. theres no hesitating in transgenderism#idk man. doesnt seem productive#from like an access barrier perspective or a. compassion toward other people perspective#no consideration for like abusive situations or any other reason someone might not engage w medical institutions#i see ppl who say this act like others are criticizing it because theyre 'forcing people to transition' but tbh#my concern is actually more like. youre making transition seem undesirable and scary and like it will be a negative#ur making it seem like its a loyalty test that is awful but needs to be done#instead of actually promoting it as life saving and vital and doing the political work that entails#ie actually addressing access barriers or abuse or medical trauma or anything really#i guess its easier to sit on the computer and tell other ppl theyre not good enough and especially ahvent suffered enough#making it a point of shame to not be doing X while also portraying X as bad and scary and not doing work to undo the things that make it so#is a bad combination? i think? personally?#its just a bizarre way to talk abt something so positive. as if theres no positives about it.#you just have to do it anyway. for reasons. huh#personally what gets me is that its literally like. yeah if youre a coward theres no room for you. we wont protect or help you.#if youre scared fuck you. heres XYZ reasons to be scared. aww you got scared?? loser#thats what gets me. whats that for what does it accomplish#i mean what is accomplishes is shame but. personally im on the side of the transsexual coward
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grrr.... my boss came in and asked to talk to me for a moment and basically she was asking how I distinguish between production stock/my stock bc the stock/supply staff had insinuated to her that I'd been stealing their stock which I HAVEN'T!!!! I would never + my boss knows that but she still had to ask.... so annoying
#and i have PROOF i dont steal their shit bc i keep a meticulous spreadsheet of every sample in the food lab (my) stock#and i organise everything by location + have a separate section for stuff in the cold room that belongs to production#bc part of my job is managing emails from sales/marketing asking abt the production stock for test/developmental products#so i have to monitor it. but i dont ever ise those samples i fill out and email the request form to supply if i need one for smth!!!#*use#which supply would fucking know if they were competent at their jobs and fulfilled my requests without me chasing them up 16 times#half the time i have to go to quality control and request THEIR retained samples instead bc i dont get stuff in time#but qc stock is completely isolated from production bc its for assay use only and i always return the samples to them when im done anyway#the only reason theyre accusing me is bc they found a sample in one of my fridges that was logged on their stock system#but I DIDNT PUT IT THERE. THEY DID. i sent the fucking request form and they fulfilled it but didnt log it out of their own stock system#but i have their stupid form attached to a timestamped email i sent them so proof it was a legit request they fulfilled 👍#whatever......#im mainly just annoyed bc for some reason i thought it was almost 4pm and i could go home soon. but its only 2:30 sigh#at least my boss was impressed at my stock spreadsheet lmao she was like wow i didnt realise you were this organised#girl how do u think i respond so fast when u ask if we have xyz sample. of course im not going thru 400+ individual samples in multiple-#locations and boxes/fridges every single time just to find ONE thing. all i have to do is check my spreadsheet.....#i record batch numbers n manufacture/expiry dates of everything too they can go thru it if they doubt smth is mine lmao#i hate being blamed for shit i didnt do especially accusations of dishonesty. im not that shit at my job >:^/#.diaries
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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the RAMPANT consumerism on the section of youtube I have ended up on recently is actually kind of disgusting to me. if I see one more video of a perfectly manicured hand with a hint of a sweater sleeve putting things in a target cart or using 100 bottles for a skin and hair self-care day or using 50 different cleaning products in an enormous, pristine, white home while a random pop song remix plays in the background I'm going to start destroying things.
#I know exactly how I got here#there is a specific crossover of decluttering/production hacks/workout plans/minimalism/motivational videos that leads directly#to very wealthy stay-at-home women doing sunday resets and target hauls and restocking and organizing the guest bedroom#and 4 hour pre-vacation self-care videos#but it is so BAD. I am not saying don't buy things or take care of yourself or anything like that#I literally have mentioned several times in the past two weeks that I was waiting on packages in the mail!#but GOD. the difference between buying a set of dvds I'm going to use until they fall apart#and literally having 4 bookcases of skin care products is ASTRONOMICAL#I cannot imagine a single reason anyone would ever need that much stuff#and it's All so sanitized and perfected and nothing can be out of place and it's just awful#that girl aesthetic/it girl/clean girl aesthetic/etc etc#and every single woman in these videos is perfectly shaped and tanned and hair done up#and they all wear these matching set workout fits#just oh my god girl!!!!!! what are you doing????!!!!!??#I don't know. I don't know that there's a point to this besides me complaining and being upset#but it's just so antithetical to the way I want to live and I know it's so bad for the environment#and I know it is encouraging so many people to look and act just like that#and I hate it!!!! it feels like we are never getting out sometimes for real#maybe I'm being mean. maybe they are actually very conscientious of the environment#and maybe they are only showing a once a month shopping trip#and maybe they have just been sent a ton of PR packages that they have to figure out how to store#but. it really doesn't feel or look that way
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#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing#ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like#visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do#so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible#mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done#but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing#how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate#and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem#it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research#assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head#and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck#it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing?#i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads#to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood?#hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing?#idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed#bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me#so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a#slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would#b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh.#unrelated
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Me: has a thesis to write with a very soon approaching deadline. Suffocating amount of lab work too.
The demon that lives in guts and occasionally tells me I have to write things that are fucked up: how much do you know about capsaicin? How much do you WANT to know about capsaicin? Do you think you can touch the dark curtain of morality through a backwards grasp at playing god in your mind? What about the ocean? What about the vastness of the ocean and what it means to truly feel trapped above and among the sea, your cries witnessed only by a handful of willing strangers turned accomplices to your not-quite-arbitrary suffering? The limitations of human kindness, communication, and cruelty come to mind. What we are able and willing to extend to others in the name of building a love that can turn to being trapped in the blink of an eye, what witnessing a downfall against your will can do to a psyche, you know….just some fun things to play with…just to get the ball rolling…
Me: *shaking, panting, sweating, visibly distracted and straining to type single words into my thesis* “…materials….and…methods….”
#I am so so so so so productive I’m manifesting working on my thesis and not typing a single word of this silly self indulgent idea until I#have done the work I need on my actual thing to GRADUATE#but also consider:::: i have a really good idea for a writing thing#gravical
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I love all of these goofy product photos where the water bottle is extremely obviously just photoshopped onto a stock image of someone pretending to hold something or whatever.. very convincing..
#the last one where the water bottle is like nearly the size of the woman's entire leg ghbjbjhh#ALSO I know.. gross.. nasty.. amazon.. I was only looking there because I was trying to find an exact replica of an old water bottle#I bought like 6 years ago in a store and I just wanted another one of those and it seemed like the only place the old manufacturer#still sold was through amazon but.. alas.. I think they just don't make them anymore. so I have abandoned my hunt#I didn't actually buy anything. but I did get distracted clicking through product images for a few of them#it's bizarre how like............... idk.. WHY is this done??? Isn't this offputting to basically ANY potential customer?? or do people#not look at every photo/read the entire page/all product information before buying??#all of these are from like front page ''top sellers'' or whatever like........... how does this not hurt the brand????#If the company can't even bother to take a single photo of a real life person using their real life product then... that to me#is kind of red flaggy..?? even if you're an indie start up small business with hardly any funds.. still#A real photo of the product you are selling in a real actual non-photo shopped environment does not seem that inacessible#Maybe it's because everyone does everything on phones now?? So it's harder to see the pictures when they're smaller?#Kind of the same thing with ai art and also hair color photoshops lol.. On my full comptuer screen it is SOOO easy to spot ai art#like IMMEDIATELy from the little tells and ways certain details morph into each other etc. I dont even mean obvious dalle mini stuff but#like the Fancy High Quality Photorealistic AI art is still pretty blatant 98% of the time if you know what to look for. But I still catch#people sharing it a lot like 'omg where can I buy this pair of shoes!! :O <3' .. erm you cannot.. that is the most balatantly fake looking#pair of shoes I have seen in my life hhjbj.. the heels are both different heights. there's a different number of straps on each one. etc.#AND that phase back before colored hair was Mainstream and people would post photos like 'omg going to bring this to the salon!! dream hair#and it's like.. you can LITERALLY see the parts where it's 'colored outside of the lines' and is so clearly just a person with blond hair#that someone drew over with a tint brush or something not even very neatly. etc. etc. ANYWAY.. Maybe with phones it's harder to tell these#things?? To me so much of it is instantly recognizable and it's suprising to me that people either don't notice or don't care and will#interact with it anyway by buying the product or acting like some ai art fake furniture is real or etc. etc. ..hewwoo#Aslo sidenote - I think I've become soo cynical and tired of constantly being advertised to that I literally cannot shop without getting#exhausted. I do not see how marketing is anything but obnoxious and transparent. Every item description having stuff like ''Our company is#commited to bringing you the highest quality water products! we set out with a mission to bring high quality products to people all over#the world and we believe in spreading health and happiness and'' just like SHUT THE HELL UP!! youre a fucking company#you don't ''beleive'' in anything you are here to sell a product. stop trying to talk like you're my bff who cares deeply about my health#or something just tell me the materials and product specifications of your stupid fucking water bottle and move on. Idont need to hear your#whole bullshit spiel about what ~your company stands for~ that is SO much MORE offputting. you make me want to buy the item LESS..#longing for the type of ads from my 1800s magazines that are just like 'this product is good. please buy it. okay thank you much. bye'
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greek carnival is so unreal and draining i went as judas and jesus with my friend i was judas we served cunt but im so tired and out of touch i promise i will be making content again soon
#🧅#and also like. being productive in general. studying. maybe starting one of my tbrs#i haven't done a single Thing for four days
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i know he’s a model animated by a company to look in love with the player avatar but also he is in love with her For Real and cares so deeply and looks at her like she’s everything to him because they are in real love in forgotten realms canon sorry
#i havent done a single productive thing in game since the patch#i stay kissing my cringe fail wizard boyfriend#bg3#gale dekarios#bg3 tav
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Oughhh feeling super lazy today. I feel like that post that goes "yasss girl start your day at 3pm!"
#im basking in the fact that i havent done a single thing today at work bc fuck it#fuck you#ill start being productive in around an hour
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The obsession websites that are successful without video seem to have for adding video is baffling to me. Yes I get that it's chasing the fad and trying to get another site's market share, I get the why, but it's just bizarre to me that so many companies that are working properly will look at the absolute logistical nightmare that is adding video and decide it's worth the cost in order to burn their primary users and become known as a worse version of another website.
Just the sheer expense of the additional storage to host terabytes upon terabytes of HD video should be enough to scare off most companies with an ounce of sense, and that's only the first and most obvious headache to deal with. It only makes sense if it's the only thing you're doing, and even then it only makes sense under the right conditions.
#I love video but as someone who has done both professional video production and back-end web development it is such a nightmare to deal with#For basically everyone too#It is far more time consuming than text or images or audio and far more things can go wrong#Like getting a perfect video for a single short segment can take an entire day and that's before you edit#And then from the website's perspective there are so many nightmares that come into it#From content moderation to the aforementioned hosting to legal liability to so many other problems#Text and images and audio are extremely valuable mediums and it bothers me how everyone seems to be disregarding them all
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There's nothing like contradicting information to make me bravely send emails (and sign them with my chosen name), apparently
If I'd have needed a piece of information that was not at all present in the course information for these courses i want to take for a minor i for sure would not have dared to ask anyone (because that feels like bothering someone who did not ask for it and it's probably either not important or i just didn't find it, according to my brain), but because the pages for different courses seemed to say different things i was able to conclude that this was not a conundrum i could solve alone! So i sent an email! The person i emailed might still be on holiday this early in august but i have sent the email and this is now someone else's problem (sort of)! Huzzah!
#single productive thing of the day done#now time to watch some more german crime drama set in the 1930s#(y'all babylon berlin is so gooood!!!)
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Guess who doesn't have to report variance and efficiency numbers for manufacturing!!!🎉🎉🎉
#totes bro#i put things here when no one irl would carr#and tbh it's fun when i look back through my tag#ive been covering production supervision and lol......just stopped doing that#and so now im at 2 months of not having literally any numbers about the efficiency of our manufacturing#which one of my bosses says i should know because im thr manufacturing engineer#and i just got it okayed to not track those numbers by the gm#because it turns out usually the manufacturing engineer isnt clocking people in and out on projects#and recording variances 4 times a day#so therefore if I dont do that it isnt a deficit on my part#which having it acknowledged that everything outside of my job description i do is just because im nice and not because i need to is 🤌#and that i officially cant be judged on how i do in roles that aren't my own while simultaneously not being able to be judged#on not doing my job if i was covering other jobs is 🤌 yes i havent had any oversight anyway but people started asking questions#the same guy who is insisting engineers should supervise also tried to literally not give me a raise because i didnt forward our engineering#department despite the reason for that being that i cover every single job in this place#i started a calendar of every day i cover i color in and between people taking days off and complete absences#i have done only my job for about 6 weeks total#although yesssssss another year of guaranteed full bonus because they backed themselves into a corner
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..... I DONT WANT YOU TO KISS ME ON THE MOUTH I WANT YOU TO PHILOSOPHICALLY CHALLENGE ME. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#june shines#what a productive day. truly a productive day. i did not a single thing. wow.#wow i haven't texted anyone back#wow i haven't done anything on my to-do list#wow i've only watched a 5 minute video for my bio project and written a single bullet point on ONE slide#WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#im so observant#maybe i should retire from all social activity and live in a cottage in the woods and befriend the forest creatures and sketch them#and hang the sketches on my walls until you can't see the walls anymore and eat vegetables and mushrooms and drink fresh herbal tea#and write songs on my forest instruments and pray to god that there will be no more expectations to live up to
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