#can somebody come get this old fool outta here??

[underthenightskydreamsneverdie]

how dare you assume you know who I am just because I’m elderly and have a crippling inability to grasp modern concepts 😧 I’ll have you know I’m a big fan of yours and I resent you assuming I’m some great big heffalump named after a Shakespeare character and from the land down under?!😠 just crazy accusations to make about a person ☹️

I am of course kidding except about the part where I love you <3 that’s true <3

Hmmm yes, all good points, except how did you know that I made those exact assumptions?! Hmmm 🤨 🩵

[memelleity]

the people under the stairs starters

you send a boy to do a man's job, that's what you get.

you shoot me and you die too. you better believe it.

i'm a whole other thing.

you heard about the gold?

why do you make these?

turn around and walk the other way, right through the fire of the sun.

the more money they got, the greedier they got.

can't get out. no one ever has.

thought l heard something. stay there.

that's where you got your nickname.

the only good fool's a dead one.

do you love your mother?

speak when spoken to, that's what good girls do.

you can't even afford to pay rent!

that's what l am: a survivor.

i know where you can earn some money. you game?

i've studied with the best.

we gotta be careful. real careful.

there must be another way out.

what's out there?

they'd kill you if they heard a word you just said.

just try to sleep. there's nothing you can do.

i hear you're gettin' evicted, man.

i do not see, or hear, or speak evil.

____ told me. he wouldn't lie to me.

you know l wouldn't let you get away that easy!

did you hear what he called me?

just the boy part gets burned up. the rest comes out the other side a man.

put the gun down.

you didn't lick this, did you?

there's something you might wanna see.

you come in here and i'm gonna kick your ass!

i never thought smog could smell so good.

you shouldn't be here.

well, you're the fool, and you can't escape that.

what do we do now?

i think he's up to somethin'.

i don't believe i was speaking to you.

you're lucky. i'm teaching you a trade.

nice furniture. didn't get that stuff at price club, that's for sure.

if you wanna be stupid, you don't need me for that.

today, you're settin' off on life's big adventure.

what about the dog?

i don't wanna see another cop or cookie in my life!

i'm not running any more.

he said he killed you.

is this real or what?

don't touch me. don't touch me!

i did something wrong. real wrong. and now l gotta do somethin' right.

think you could climb the roof?

we gotta get you to a hospital.

i represent the association of people unjustly evicted, exploited and generally fucked over.

i made a promise. and i'm gonna keep it.

we can hide under the bed.

you kids'll be the death of me! the death of me!

not the stupid kind of fool. the ignorant kind, just starting out.

i'm gonna get you outta here.

somebody has to. and maybe that means me.

maybe the president is gonna make me secretary of pussy.

you got some money you can kick in?

do the smart thing. the high thing.

too old to get tit, too young to get ass.

i ain't no golden-haired nobody!

i feel like a million dollars.

i found a treasure map last night in the liquor store.

maybe you're too stupid for this kinda work. or maybe too chickenshit.

remember not to bruise her face.

one day i'm gonna buy you a cadillac for each foot.

you have one of your headaches?

i've never been unfaithful to you.

i thought you were dead!

i don't wanna kill you, but l will, 'cause l don't like you much anyway.

we gotta jump!

believe me, when l was a kid, none of us ever walked past that house.

they're happy in their own way.

i am sick and tired of your attitude!

i never had a brother.

i don't want in, i want out!

i'm sorry. for the both of us.

you scared the shit outta me.

burn in hell for getting free, and burn in hell for showing the way!

i can't! i'm afraid.

the neighborhood's changing. it has us all a bit on edge.

i tell you what. you stay down here and keep an eye out. you think you can do that?

i'm sorry about this.

he tried to put food on the damn table.

i don't want a mess.

all sorts of rumors about what's gone on in that place…

you know a prayer? say it.

your father's one sick mother, you know that?

meet me at the window. you know the one.

tough road you got this year.

[rpmemes-galore]

classic 60′s song lyrics ... sentence starters 

“You can't hurry love.”

“I was filled with despair.”

“We were born to be wild!”

“You know that I love you.”

“I can't get no satisfaction.”

“Stop! In the name of love!”

“I ain't no fortunate one, no.”

“You gotta trust, give it time.”

“Without love, I had nothing.”

“Come on, baby, light my fire.”

“I give you everything I've got.”

“All my dreams turned to ashes.”

“The time to hesitate is through.”

“I'm weaker than a man should be.”

“How can I hurt when holding you?”

“Good times never seemed so good.”

“It's the time of the season for loving.”

“Can't you see I'm on a losing streak?“

“How would I know, why should I care?“

“I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying.”

“Would I still see suspicion in your eyes?“

“Who'd have believed you'd come along?”

“I'll be with you when the stars start falling.”

“On a blanket with my baby is where I'll be.”

“You keep lyin' when you oughta be truthin'.”

“What's the use in trying? All you get is pain.”

“Whoa! I feel good! I knew that I would, now!”

“There must be some kind of way outta here.”

“One thing I can tell you is, you got to be free.”

“You keep saying you've got something for me.”

“And now someone else is getting all your best.”

“Get your motor runnin'. Head out on the highway.”

“I'm tied to you, baby. And there's nothing I can do.”

“Love was out to get me. That's the way it seemed.”

“Looking for adventure in whatever comes our way.”

“So hard to find my way, now that I'm all on my own.”

“I can't walk out, because I love you too much, baby.”

“You once thought of me as a white knight on his steed.”

“When I kissed you, girl, I knew how sweet a kiss could be.”

“But every time I see your face, I get up all choked up inside.”

“One of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over you.”

“When I hold you in my arms, I know that I can't do no wrong.”

“You've been a'messin' where you shouldn't 've been a'messin'.”

“Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you, again.”

“These boots are made for walkin’, and that's just what they'll do.”

“He's telling me more and more about some useless information.”

“To live for today and to love for tomorrow is the wisdom of a fool.”

“When you snap your fingers or wink your eye, I come a running to you.”

“Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you.”

“Take my hand, take my whole life, too... for I can't help falling in love with you.”

“But how many heartaches must I stand before I find a love to let me live again?”

“Why can't you see what you're doing to me when you don't believe a word I say?”

“I thought love was only true in fairy tales. Meant for someone else, but not for me.”

“And if you think for one minute that you can live without it, then you are only fooling yourself.”

“I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted. And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new.”

[ibuki-loves-you]

cutely sends the shrek script

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]Shrek: What a load of--[Toilet Door slams]Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪[Shouting]Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪[Belches]Villagers: Go! Go![Record Scrating]Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.Villager 3: No!Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya![Gasping]Villager 3: Right.[Roaring][Shouting][Roaring][Roaring Continues][Shouting Continues]Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.[Gasping]Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away![Gasps]Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!Captain of the Guards: Next!Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.Guard 4: Get up!Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.Guard 5: Come on![Thudding]Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!Old Lady: Oh, shut up!Donkey: Oh!Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!Captain of the Guards: Next.Pinocchio: Help me!Captain of the Guards: What have you got?Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.[Grunts]Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.Captain of the Guards: Well?Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little

nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!Peter Pan: He can fly!Pigs: He can fly!Captain of the Guards: He can talk!Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.Captain of the Guards: Seize him!Guard 7: After him! He's getting away![Grunts, Gasps]Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!Shrek: Aye?Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?[Gasps, Whimpering]Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.[Roaring]Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.Shrek: Why are you following me?Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?Donkey: Nope.Shrek: Really?Donkey: Really, really.Shrek: Oh.Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?Shrek: Uh, Shrek.Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?Shrek: That would be my home.Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?Shrek: I like my privacy.Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know? Can I stay with you?Shrek: Uh, what?Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?Shrek: Of course!Donkey: Really?Shrek: No.Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.Donkey: Ah! Thank you!Shrek: What are you-- No. No.Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.Shrek: Oh!Donkey: Where do,

uh, I sleep?Shrek: Outside!Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪[Bubbling][Sighs][Creaking]Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?Donkey: I am outside.[Clattering][Clattering]Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.Gorder: What a lovely bed.Shrek: Got ya.Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?Gorder: How did you know?Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey![Snickers]Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.Shrek: Huh? [Gasps]Wolf: What?Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?Wolf: Aah!Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no.[Cackling][Cackling Continues]Shrek: What?Girl: Quit it. Don't push.[Squeaking][Lows]Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp? Swamp? Swamp?[Gasping]Fairies: Oh, dear!Dwarf: Whoa!Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!Dwarf: Quickly. Come on!Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.Dwarf: Oh![Sighs]Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them.Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.Shrek: What?Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.Shrek: By who?Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice.Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is.[Murmuring]Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?Donkey: Me! Me!Shrek: Anyone?Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from![Cheering][Twittering][Cheering Continues]Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me.Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek.Dwarf: Hey. Oh, oh!Donkey: ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪Shrek: What did I say about singing?Donkey: Can I whistle?Shrek: No.Donkey: Can I hum it?Shrek: All right, hum it.♪♪ [Humming][Gurgling][Coughing]Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.[Coughing]Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!Gingy: You're a monster.Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!?Gingy: Eat me![Spits]Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them?Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man.Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man!Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.[Door Opens]Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it.Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.[Man Grunting][Gasping]Gingy: Oh!Farquaad: Magic Mirror.Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No!Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying?Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.Farquaad: Go

on.Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three!Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.Farquaad: I'll do it.Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.Shrek: Hey, you![Screams]Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--[Whimpering][Sighs][Whimpering, Groans][Turnstile Clatters][Chuckles][Sighs]♪♪ [Instrumental Music]Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.[Creaking]Shrek: Where is everybody?Donkey: Hey, look at this![Clattering, Whirring, Clicking][Clicking][Clicking Quickens]Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪[Camera Shutter Clicks][Whirring]Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! No.[Trumpet Fanfare][Crowd Cheering]Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land.[Donkey Humming]Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself--Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.Donkey: Sorry about that.[Cheering]Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.[Cheering]Farquaad: Let the tournament begin![Gasps]Knight 1: Oh!Farquaad: What is that?[Gasping]Farquaad: It's hideous!Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.Donkey: Huh?Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!Knight 2: Get him!Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.Woman: Go ahead! Get him!Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint?Knight 3: Kill the beast!Shrek: No? All right then. Come on![♪ Bad Reputation By Joan Jett Playing]Halfcocked: ♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪Knight 4: Damn![Whinnying]Halfcocked: ♪ A girl can do

what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪Shrek: Ah! [Laughs]Halfcocked: ♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪Shrek: Yeah!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪[Bell Dings][Cheering]Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha![Shrek Laughs][Crowd Gasping, Murmuring]Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir?Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!Shrek: What?Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.Farquaad: Your swamp?Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures![Crowd Murmuring]Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.Shrek: Exactly the way it was?Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.Shrek: And the squatters?Farquaad: As good as gone.Shrek: What kind of quest?Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.Donkey: Example?Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.Donkey: [Sniffs] They stink?Shrek: Yes-- No!Donkey: They make you cry?Shrek: No!Donkey: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs]Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes.Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet.Shrek: You know, I think preferred your humming.Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.[♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing]The Proclaimers: ♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪Donkey: Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

either.[Rumbling]Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing]Donkey: Shrek? Remember when you said ogres have layers?Shrek: Oh, aye.Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.Donkey: You know what I mean.Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava!Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay. For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.Donkey: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down.Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now. Please.Shrek: But you're already halfway.Donkey: But I know that half is safe!Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait!Shrek: Donkey-- Let's have a dance then, shall we?Donkey: Don't do that!Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?Donkey: Yes, that!Shrek: This? This, do it. Okay.Donkey: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it!Shrek: You said do it. I'm doin' it.Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.Donkey: Cool. So, where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.[Water Dripping][Wind Howling]Donkey: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid?Shrek: No, but-- Shh.Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps]Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess.Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there?Shrek: I read it in a book once.Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.[Creaking]Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it.Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--?Donkey: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps][Roars]Shrek: Donkey, look out! [Screams][Screams][Whimpering]Shrek: Got ya![Roars][Gasps]Shrek: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming]Donkey: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping][Growls]Donkey: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have.[Growls]Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek![Groans, Sighs]♪♪ [Chorus Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]Fiona: Oh! Oh!Shrek in Armor: Wake up!Fiona: What?Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona?Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.Shrek in Armor: Oh, that's nice. Now, let's go!Fiona: But,

wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?Shrek in Amror: Yeah. Sorry, lady. There's no time.Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed.Shrek in Armor: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?Fiona: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!Shrek in Armor: I don't think so.Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion?Shrek: Um, Shrek.Fiona: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.Shrek in Armor: Thanks.[Roaring]Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?Shrek in Armor: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on!Fiona: [Screams] But this isn't right! You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!Fiona: You know, that's not the point! Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.Shrek in Armor: Well, I have to save my ass.Fiona: What kind of knight are you?Shrek in Armor: One of the kind.Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and-- I'd really love to stay, but-- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal ail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh![Growls][Roars][Roaring][Gasps]Donkey: Hi, Princess!Fiona: It talks!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!Donkey: Shrek! [Screams] [Screaming]Shrek: Oh![Thuds][Groans][Shrek Groans][Roars][Roars][Roaring][Roars]Shrek in Armor: Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run![Gasping][Screaming][Screams][Roars][Panting, Sighs][Whimpers][Roars][Roars, Whimpers][Dragon Growling In The Distance]Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're-- You're wonderful. You're... A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.[Clears Throat]Fiona: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed?Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed.Fiona: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.Shrek in Armor: Uh, no.Fiona: Why not?Shrek: I have helmet hair.Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.Shrek in Armor: No, no, you wouldn't'st.Fiona: But, how will you kiss me?Shrek in Armor: What? That job wasn't in the job description.Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?Fiona: Well, yes.[Laughing][Laughing]Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love!Fiona: What is so funny?Shrek in Armor: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-- Now remove your helmet.Shrek in Amror: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.Fiona: Just take off the helmet.Shrek in Amror: I'm not going to.Fiona: Take it off.Shrek in Amror: No!Fiona: Now!Shrek in Armor: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness.Fiona: You-- You're-- an ogre.Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.Fiona: Well, yes,

actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay. He's the one who wants to marry you.Fiona: Then why didn't he come to rescue me?Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre and his pet.Donkey: So much for noble steed.Shrek: You're not making my job any easier.Fiona: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.Fiona: You wouldn't dare. Put me down!Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey?Donkey: I'm right behind ya.Fiona: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [Screams]Donkey: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right? But you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?Fiona: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your-- Hey! [Sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better.Donkey: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful!Fiona: And my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?Shrek: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's standards are in short supply. [Laughs]Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him.[Both Laughing]Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.Shrek: Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.Fiona: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?Shrek: No, that'll take longer.Fiona: But there's robbers in the woods.Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is definitely startin' to sound good.Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp now![Bird Wings Fluttering]Shrek: [Grunting] Hey! Over here.Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.Shrek: Homey touches? Like what?[Crashing]Fiona: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.Fiona: I said, good night!Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing?Shrek: [Laughs] I just-- You know-- Oh, come on. I was just kidding.[Fire Crackling]Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.Donkey: I know you're making this up.Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.Donkey: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.Shrek: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.Donkey: [Sighs] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?Shrek: Our swamp?Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.Shrek: We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.Shrek: No. Do ya think?Donkey: Are you hidin' something?Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.Donkey: Oh! This is another one of those onion things, isn't it?Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it?Shrek: Why do you always want to?Donkey: Why are you blocking?Shrek: I'm not blocking.Donkey: Yes, you are.Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you.Donkey: Who you trying to keep out?Shrek: Everyone! Okay?Donkey: Now we're gettin' somewhere.Shrek: Oh! For

the love of Pete!Donkey: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world?Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [Sighs] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.Shrek: Yeah, I know.Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.Donkey: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?Shrek: That's the moon.Donkey: Oh, okay.♪♪ [Orchestra]♪♪ [Dulcimer]Farquaad: Again. Show me again.[Music Stops, Rewinds]Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.Mirror: Hmph.[Rewinds, Resumes]Farquaad: Ah. Perfect. [Inhales][Snoring]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Whistling Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Vocalizing, High-pitched]♪♪ [Whistling, High-pitched]♪♪ [Continues][Sizzling][Sniffs, Yawns]Shrek: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.Donkey: Come on, baby. I said I like it.Shrek: Donkey, wake up.Donkey: Huh? What?Shrek: Wake up.Donkey: What?Fiona: Good morning. How do you like your eggs?Donkey: Good morning, Princess!Shrek: What's all this about?Fiona: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me.Shrek: Uh, thanks.[Sniffs]Fiona: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.[Belches]Donkey: Shrek!Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [Laughs]Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.[Belches]Fiona: Thanks.Donkey: She's as nasty as you are.Shrek: [Laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected.Fiona: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing]Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey!Shrek: Princess?[Laughs]Fiona: What are you doing?Monsieur Hood: Be still, cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green [Kissing Sounds] beast.Shrek: Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own!Monsieur Hood: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?Fiona: Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are!Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course! How rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [Laughs]♪♪ [Accordion]Merry Men: ♪ Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪Man: ♪ He takes a wee percentage. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-- ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Paid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ So. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ That's bad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ He's mad. He's really, really mad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start! ♪[Tarzan Yell][Grunts, Groans][Karate Yell][Merry Men Gasping]Fiona: [Panting] Man, that was annoying!Man: Oh, you little--[Karate Yell]♪♪ [Accordion][Tarzan woman yell][Shouting, Groaning][Tarzan woman yells about 3 times][Groaning]Fiona: [Chuckles] Um, shall we?Shrek: Hold the phone.[Grunts]Shrek: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?Fiona: What?Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?Fiona: Well-- [Chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a-- There's an arrow in your butt!Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that?Fiona: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.Donkey: Why? What's wrong?Fiona: Shrek's hurt.Donkey: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay.Donkey: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your

legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: What are the flowers for?Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.Shrek: Ah.Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.Shrek: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.Fiona: I'm sorry, but it has to come out.Shrek: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help.Fiona: Don't move.Shrek: Look, time out.Fiona: Would you-- [Grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do?Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: Ow!Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!Shrek: Ow! Not good.Fiona: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.[Grunts]Fiona: It's just about--Shrek: Ow! Ohh!Donkey: Ahem.Shrek: Nothing happened. We were just, uh--Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay.Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just-- Ugh! Ow!Donkey: Hey, what's that? [Nervous Chuckle] That's-- Is that blood? [Sighs][Bird Chirping][♪ My Beloved Monster By Eels Playing][Grunts]Eels: ♪ My beloved monster and me. We go everywhere together. Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. ♪Donkey: Aah!Eels: ♪ She will always be the only thing. That comes between me and the awful sting. That comes from living in the world that's so damn mean. ♪[Croaks]Eels: ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪Fiona: Hey!Eels: ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪[Both Laughing]Eels: La-la, la-la, la-la.Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.Fiona: That's Duloc?Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really-- Ow!Shrek: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move one.Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey.[Blubbering]Shrek: What?Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine.Fiona: That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?Fiona: I'll make you some tea.Donkey: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [Bones Crunch] Ow! See?Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.Fiona: I'll get the firewood.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.Fiona: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?Shrek: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.Fiona: No kidding.Shrek: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [Chuckling]Donkey: [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.Shrek: [Gulps] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it.Fiona: [Chuckles] I'd like that.[Slurps, Laughs]Donkey: ♪ See the pyramids along the Nile. ♪Shrek: Um, Princess?Donkey: ♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. ♪Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I, um, I was wondering.Donkey: ♪ Just remember, darling all the while. ♪Shrek: Are you--Donkey: You belong to me.Shrek: [Sighs] Are you gonna eat that?[Chuckles]Donkey: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.Fiona: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.Shrek: What?Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid

of the dark.[Shrek Sighs]Fiona: Good night.Shrek: Good night.[Door Creaks]Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin' about?Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it.Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.Shrek: I-- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't-- she's a princess, and I'm--Donkey: An ogre?Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'?Shrek: To get... more firewood. [Sighs]Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?[Wings Fluttering]Donkey: Princess?[Creaking]Donkey: [Gasps] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.[Screams]Donkey: Aah!Fiona: Oh, no!Donkey: No, help!Fiona: Shh!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: No, it's okay. It's okay.Donkey: What did you do with the princess?Fiona: Donkey, I'm the princess.Donkey: Aah!Fiona: It's me, in this body.Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me?Fiona: Donkey!Donkey: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!Fiona: No!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: Shh.Donkey: Shrek!Fiona: This is me.Donkey: [Muffled Mumbling] Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.Fiona I'm ugly, okay?Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now--Fiona: No. I-- I've been this way as long as I can remember.Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form."Donkey: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.Fiona: It's a spell. [Sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [Sobs]Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.Fiona: But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.Donkey: But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common.Fiona: Shrek?Shrek: Princess, I-- Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh-- [Sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.Fiona: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.[Deep Sigh]Fiona: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise!Donkey: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.[Door Opens][Snoring]Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want--[Snoring]Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right?Shrek: Perfect! Never been better.Fiona: I-- I don't-- There's

something I have to tell you.Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.Fiona: You heard what I said?Shrek: Every word.Fiona: I thought you'd understand.Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does.[Gasps, Sighs]Shrek: Ah, right on time.[Horse Whinnies]Shrek: Princess, I've brought you a little something.♪♪ [Fanfare]Donkey: [Yawns] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [Muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over.Farquaad: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.Fiona: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell.Farquaad: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.Fiona: No, you're right. It doesn't.Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.[Gasps]Farquaad: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make.Farquaad: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!Fiona: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre.Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.Shrek: Yeah? So what?Donkey: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's--Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?Donkey: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you.Shrek: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!Donkey: But I thought--Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!Donkey: Shrek.[♪ Hallelujah By John Cale Playing]John Cale: ♪ I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? It goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Baby, I've been here before, I know this room I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And all I ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪[Thumping Sound]Shrek: Donkey?[Grunts]Shrek: What are you doing?Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.Donkey: It is. Around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half.Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm.Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.Shrek: Back off!Donkey: No, you back off.Shrek: This is my swamp!Donkey: Our swamp.Shrek: Let go, Donkey!Donkey: You let go.Shrek: Stubborn jackass!Donkey: Smelly ogre.Shrek: Fine!Donkey: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.Shrek: Well, I'm through with you.Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me

and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back!Donkey: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.Shrek: Go away!Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.Shrek: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.Shrek: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: No!Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?Donkey: Hmph.Shrek: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?Shrek: Right. Friends?Donkey: Friends.Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time.Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. [Whistles]Shrek: Donkey?[Donkey Laughing]Donkey: I guess it's just an animal magnetism.Shrek: [Laughing] Aw, come here, you.Donkey: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [Donkey Laughing] Whoo![Bells Tolling][All Gasping]Bishop: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union...Fiona: Um-- of our now king--Bishop: Excuse me.Fiona: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?Farquaad: [Chuckling] Go on.Donkey: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?Shrek: What are you talking about?Donkey: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"Shrek: I don't have time for this!Donkey: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: You wanna hold her?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: Please her?Shrek: Yes!Donkey: ♪ Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. ♪ The chicks love that romantic crap!Shrek: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?Donkey: We gotta check it out.[Donkey Grunting]Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me...Shrek: What do you see?Donkey: The whole town's in there.Bishop: ...I now pronounce you husband and wife...Donkey: They're at the altar.Bishop: ...king and queen.Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete![Grunts]Shrek: I object!Fiona: Shrek?[Gasps]Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want?[Crowd Clamoring]Shrek: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.Fiona: What are you doing here?Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding--Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you.Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me--Shrek: But you can't marry him.Fiona: And why not?Shrek: Because-- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king.Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.Shrek: He's not your true love.Fiona: And what do you know about true love?Shrek: Well, I-- Uh-- I mean--Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. [Chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.[Crowd Laughing]Farquaad: An ogre and a princess! [Laughing Continues]Fiona: Shrek, is this true?Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm!Fiona: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.[Whimpers][Crowd Gasping]Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a

lot.Farquaad: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!Fiona: No, no! Shrek!Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?Fiona: No, let go of me, Shrek!Shrek: No!Farquaad: Don't just stand there, you morons.Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!Farquaad: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!Fiona: No! Shrek!Farquaad: And as for you, my wife,Shrek: Fiona!Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king![Whistles]Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-- Aaah! Aah!Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.[Dragon Roars]Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge![Belches]Donkey: [Donkey Laughs] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?[Cheering]Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek.Shrek: Uh, Fiona?Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I-- I love you.Fiona: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Fiona: I love you too.All: Aawww!Fiona: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [Echoing] [Echoing Continues] "Take love's true from. Take love's true form."Shrek: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?Fiona: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.Shrek: But you are beautiful.[Chuckles]Donkey: I was hoping would be a happy ending.[♪ I'm A Believer By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales. ♪All: Oy!Steve Harwell: ♪ Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. And not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. ♪Choir: ♪ Ohh-ahh. ♪Steve Harwell: ♪ I'm a believer I couldn't leaver her if I tried. ♪Gingy: God bless us, every one.Donkey: Come on, y'all! ♪ Then I saw her face. ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ Now I'm a believer. ♪ Listen! Not a trace. ♪ Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. ♪Mice: Ooh! Uh!Donkey: ♪ Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! ♪Smash Mouth: ♪ I'm a believer. ♪Donkey: ♪ I believe. I believe. I believe! ♪ [Hysterical Laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

i hope you know you crashed my tumblr, made my phone lag, and cursed my feed. thank you so much /j

nah but fr thats fucking hilarious BHAHAHAHA - MOD IBUKI

[black-5abbath]

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen. [Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes] Shrek: What a load of-- [Toilet Door slams] Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool. [♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing] Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪ [Shouting] Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪ [Belches] Villagers: Go! Go! [Record Scrating] Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪ Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it! Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you? Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. Villager 3: No! Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! [Gasping] Villager 3: Right. [Roaring] [Shouting] [Roaring] [Roaring Continues] [Shouting Continues] Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away. [Gasping] Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs] Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away! [Gasps] Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up! Captain of the Guards: Next! Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over. Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. Guard 4: Get up! Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces. Guard 5: Come on! [Thudding] Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet! Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small. Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! Old Lady: Oh, shut up! Donkey: Oh! Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got? Geppetto: This little wooden puppet. Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Captain of the Guards: Next. Pinocchio: Help me! Captain of the Guards: What have you got? Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey. [Grunts] Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella. Captain of the Guards: Well? Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt-- Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight. Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk! Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly! Peter Pan: He can fly! Pigs: He can fly! Captain of the Guards: He can talk! Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. Captain of the Guards: Seize him! Guard 7: After him! He's getting away! [Grunts, Gasps] Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn! Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre! Shrek: Aye? Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility. Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army? [Gasps, Whimpering] Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible! Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa! Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really. Donkey: Man, it's good to be free. Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. [Roaring] Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. Shrek: Why are you following me? Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪ Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? Donkey: Uh-- Really tall? Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? Donkey: Nope. Shrek: Really? Donkey: Really, really. Shrek: Oh. Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name? Shrek: Uh, Shrek. Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? Shrek: That would be my home. Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? Shrek: I like my privacy. Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know? Can I stay with you? Shrek: Uh, what? Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please? Shrek: Of course! Donkey: Really? Shrek: No. Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only. Donkey: Ah! Thank you! Shrek: What are you-- No. No. Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles. Shrek: Oh! Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep? Shrek: Outside! Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪ [Bubbling] [Sighs] [Creaking] Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside? Donkey: I am outside. [Clattering] [Clattering] Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine. Gorder: What a lovely bed. Shrek: Got ya. Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese. Shrek: Ow! [Grunts] Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff. Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder? Gorder: How did you know? Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey! [Snickers] Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. Shrek: Huh? [Gasps] Wolf: What? Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy? Wolf: Aah! Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no. [Cackling] [Cackling Continues] Shrek: What? Girl: Quit it. Don't push. [Squeaking] [Lows] Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp? Swamp? Swamp? [Gasping] Fairies: Oh, dear! Dwarf: Whoa! Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Dwarf: Quickly. Come on! Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. Dwarf: Oh! [Sighs] Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them. Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us. Shrek: What? Pinocchio: We were forced to come here. Shrek: By who? Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice. Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is. [Murmuring] Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is. Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? Donkey: Me! Me! Shrek: Anyone? Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from! [Cheering] [Twittering] [Cheering Continues] Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me. Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek. Dwarf: Hey. Oh, oh! Donkey: ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪ Shrek: What did I say about singing? Donkey: Can I whistle? Shrek: No. Donkey: Can I hum it? Shrek: All right, hum it. ♪♪ [Humming] [Gurgling] [Coughing] Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk. [Coughing] Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! Gingy: You're a monster. Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!? Gingy: Eat me! [Spits] Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them? Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingy: The muffin man. Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane? Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man. Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingy: The muffin man! Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man. [Door Opens] Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it. Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. [Man Grunting] [Gasping] Gingy: Oh! Farquaad: Magic Mirror. Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No! Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all? Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king. Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying? Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. Farquaad: Go on. Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three? Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord! Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three! Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. [♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing] Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪ Farquaad: Princess Fiona. Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪ Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go-- Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. Farquaad: I'll do it. Mirror: Yes, but after sunset. Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it. Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place. Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs] Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. Shrek: Hey, you! [Screams] Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just-- [Whimpering] [Sighs] [Whimpering, Groans] [Turnstile Clatters] [Chuckles] [Sighs] ♪♪ [Instrumental Music] Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet. [Creaking] Shrek: Where is everybody? Donkey: Hey, look at this! [Clattering, Whirring, Clicking] [Clicking] [Clicking Quickens] Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪ [Camera Shutter Clicks] [Whirring] Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again! Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! No. [Trumpet Fanfare] [Crowd Cheering] Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. [Donkey Humming] Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself-- Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. Donkey: Sorry about that. [Cheering] Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. [Cheering] Farquaad: Let the tournament begin! [Gasps] Knight 1: Oh! Farquaad: What is that? [Gasping] Farquaad: It's hideous! Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Donkey: Huh? Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! Knight 2: Get him! Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. Woman: Go ahead! Get him! Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint? Knight 3: Kill the beast! Shrek: No? All right then. Come on! [♪ Bad Reputation By Joan Jett Playing] Halfcocked: ♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪ Knight 4: Damn! [Whinnying] Halfcocked: ♪ A girl can do what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪ Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪ Shrek: Ah! [Laughs] Halfcocked: ♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪ Shrek: Yeah! Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪ Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair! Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪ [Bell Dings] [Cheering] Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! [Shrek Laughs] [Crowd Gasping, Murmuring] Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir? Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion! Shrek: What? Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back. Farquaad: Your swamp? Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! [Crowd Murmuring] Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. Shrek: Exactly the way it was? Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. Shrek: And the squatters? Farquaad: As good as gone. Shrek: What kind of quest? Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no. Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. Donkey: Example? Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. Donkey: [Sniffs] They stink? Shrek: Yes-- No! Donkey: They make you cry? Shrek: No! Donkey: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs] Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes. Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet. Shrek: You know, I think preferred your humming. Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. [♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing] The Proclaimers: ♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪ Donkey: Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone either. [Rumbling] Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing] Donkey: Shrek? Remember when you said ogres have layers? Shrek: Oh, aye. Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. Donkey: You know what I mean. Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights? Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava! Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay. For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. Donkey: Really? Shrek: Really, really. Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better. Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down. Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now. Please. Shrek: But you're already halfway. Donkey: But I know that half is safe! Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait! Shrek: Donkey-- Let's have a dance then, shall we? Donkey: Don't do that! Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? Donkey: Yes, that! Shrek: This? This, do it. Okay. Donkey: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it! Shrek: You said do it. I'm doin' it. Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. Donkey: Cool. So, where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. [Water Dripping] [Wind Howling] Donkey: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid? Shrek: No, but-- Shh. Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps] Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess. Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there? Shrek: I read it in a book once. Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. [Creaking] Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it. Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--? Donkey: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps] [Roars] Shrek: Donkey, look out! [Screams] [Screams] [Whimpering] Shrek: Got ya! [Roars] [Gasps] Shrek: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming] Donkey: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping] [Growls] Donkey: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have. [Growls] Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! [Groans, Sighs] ♪♪ [Chorus Vocalizing] ♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues] ♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues] Fiona: Oh! Oh! Shrek in Armor: Wake up! Fiona: What? Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona? Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Shrek in Armor: Oh, that's nice. Now, let's go! Fiona: But, wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? Shrek in Amror: Yeah. Sorry, lady. There's no time. Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed. Shrek in Armor: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Fiona: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! Shrek in Armor: I don't think so. Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion? Shrek: Um, Shrek. Fiona: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Shrek in Armor: Thanks. [Roaring] Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon? Shrek in Armor: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on! Fiona: [Screams] But this isn't right! You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did! Shrek in Armor: Yeah, right before they burst into flame! Fiona: You know, that's not the point! Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. Shrek in Armor: Well, I have to save my ass. Fiona: What kind of knight are you? Shrek in Armor: One of the kind. Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and-- I'd really love to stay, but-- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal ail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh! [Growls] [Roars] [Roaring] [Gasps] Donkey: Hi, Princess! Fiona: It talks! Shrek in Armor: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick! Donkey: Shrek! [Screams] [Screaming] Shrek: Oh! [Thuds] [Groans] [Shrek Groans] [Roars] [Roars] [Roaring] [Roars] Shrek in Armor: Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run! [Gasping] [Screaming] [Screams] [Roars] [Panting, Sighs] [Whimpers] [Roars] [Roars, Whimpers] [Dragon Growling In The Distance] Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're-- You're wonderful. You're... A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. [Clears Throat] Fiona: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed? Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed. Fiona: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. Shrek in Armor: Uh, no. Fiona: Why not? Shrek: I have helmet hair. Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. Shrek in Armor: No, no, you wouldn't'st. Fiona: But, how will you kiss me? Shrek in Armor: What? That job wasn't in the job description. Donkey: Maybe it's a perk. Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love? Fiona: Well, yes. [Laughing] [Laughing] Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love! Fiona: What is so funny? Shrek in Armor: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-- Now remove your helmet. Shrek in Amror: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. Fiona: Just take off the helmet. Shrek in Amror: I'm not going to. Fiona: Take it off. Shrek in Amror: No! Fiona: Now! Shrek in Armor: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness. Fiona: You-- You're-- an ogre. Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Fiona: Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay. He's the one who wants to marry you. Fiona: Then why didn't he come to rescue me? Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre and his pet. Donkey: So much for noble steed. Shrek: You're not making my job any easier. Fiona: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. Fiona: You wouldn't dare. Put me down! Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey? Donkey: I'm right behind ya. Fiona: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [Screams] Donkey: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right? But you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? Fiona: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your-- Hey! [Sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better. Donkey: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful! Fiona: And my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? Shrek: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's standards are in short supply. [Laughs] Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. [Both Laughing] Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. Shrek: Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. Fiona: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? Shrek: No, that'll take longer. Fiona: But there's robbers in the woods. Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is definitely startin' to sound good. Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp now! [Bird Wings Fluttering] Shrek: [Grunting] Hey! Over here. Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Shrek: Homey touches? Like what? [Crashing] Fiona: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. Fiona: I said, good night! Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? Shrek: [Laughs] I just-- You know-- Oh, come on. I was just kidding. [Fire Crackling] Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. Donkey: I know you're making this up. Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. Donkey: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. Shrek: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. Donkey: [Sighs] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? Shrek: Our swamp? Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. Shrek: We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. Shrek: No. Do ya think? Donkey: Are you hidin' something? Shrek: Never mind, Donkey. Donkey: Oh! This is another one of those onion things, isn't it? Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things. Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it? Shrek: Why do you always want to? Donkey: Why are you blocking? Shrek: I'm not blocking. Donkey: Yes, you are. Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you. Donkey: Who you trying to keep out? Shrek: Everyone! Okay? Donkey: Now we're gettin' somewhere. Shrek: Oh! For the love of Pete! Donkey: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world? Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [Sighs] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Shrek: Yeah, I know. Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. Donkey: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Shrek: That's the moon. Donkey: Oh, okay. ♪♪ [Orchestra] ♪♪ [Dulcimer] Farquaad: Again. Show me again. [Music Stops, Rewinds] Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Mirror: Hmph. [Rewinds, Resumes] Farquaad: Ah. Perfect. [Inhales] [Snoring] ♪♪ [Vocalizing] ♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues] ♪♪ [Whistling] ♪♪ [Whistling Continues] ♪♪ [Vocalizes] ♪♪ [Whistles] ♪♪ [Vocalizes] ♪♪ [Whistles] ♪♪ [Vocalizing] ♪♪ [Whistling] ♪♪ [Vocalizing, High-pitched] ♪♪ [Whistling, High-pitched] ♪♪ [Continues] [Sizzling] [Sniffs, Yawns] Shrek: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Donkey: Come on, baby. I said I like it. Shrek: Donkey, wake up. Donkey: Huh? What? Shrek: Wake up. Donkey: What? Fiona: Good morning. How do you like your eggs? Donkey: Good morning, Princess! Shrek: What's all this about? Fiona: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me. Shrek: Uh, thanks. [Sniffs] Fiona: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. [Belches] Donkey: Shrek! Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [Laughs] Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. [Belches] Fiona: Thanks. Donkey: She's as nasty as you are. Shrek: [Laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected. Fiona: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing] Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey! Shrek: Princess? [Laughs] Fiona: What are you doing? Monsieur Hood: Be still, cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green [Kissing Sounds] beast. Shrek: Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own! Monsieur Hood: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Fiona: Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are! Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course! How rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [Laughs] ♪♪ [Accordion] Merry Men: ♪ Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪ Man: ♪ He takes a wee percentage. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood! ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-- ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ Paid. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ So. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ That's bad. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ He's mad. He's really, really mad. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start! ♪ [Tarzan Yell] [Grunts, Groans] [Karate Yell] [Merry Men Gasping] Fiona: [Panting] Man, that was annoying! Man: Oh, you little-- [Karate Yell] ♪♪ [Accordion] [Tarzan woman yell] [Shouting, Groaning] [Tarzan woman yells about 3 times] [Groaning] Fiona: [Chuckles] Um, shall we? Shrek: Hold the phone. [Grunts] Shrek: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? Fiona: What? Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? Fiona: Well-- [Chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a-- There's an arrow in your butt! Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that? Fiona: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. Donkey: Why? What's wrong? Fiona: Shrek's hurt. Donkey: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay. Donkey: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! Shrek: Donkey! Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Shrek: What are the flowers for? Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey. Shrek: Ah. Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. Shrek: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. Fiona: I'm sorry, but it has to come out. Shrek: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help. Fiona: Don't move. Shrek: Look, time out. Fiona: Would you-- [Grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do? Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. Shrek: Ow! Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! Shrek: Ow! Not good. Fiona: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head. [Grunts] Fiona: It's just about-- Shrek: Ow! Ohh! Donkey: Ahem. Shrek: Nothing happened. We were just, uh-- Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay. Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just-- Ugh! Ow! Donkey: Hey, what's that? [Nervous Chuckle] That's-- Is that blood? [Sighs] [Bird Chirping] [♪ My Beloved Monster By Eels Playing] [Grunts] Eels: ♪ My beloved monster and me. We go everywhere together. Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. ♪ Donkey: Aah! Eels: ♪ She will always be the only thing. That comes between me and the awful sting. That comes from living in the world that's so damn mean. ♪ [Croaks] Eels: ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪ Fiona: Hey! Eels: ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪ [Both Laughing] Eels: La-la, la-la, la-la. Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. Fiona: That's Duloc? Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really-- Ow! Shrek: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move one. Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey. [Blubbering] Shrek: What? Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine. Fiona: That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? Fiona: I'll make you some tea. Donkey: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [Bones Crunch] Ow! See? Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. Fiona: I'll get the firewood. Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. Fiona: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? Shrek: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. Fiona: No kidding. Shrek: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [Chuckling] Donkey: [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. Shrek: [Gulps] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it. Fiona: [Chuckles] I'd like that. [Slurps, Laughs] Donkey: ♪ See the pyramids along the Nile. ♪ Shrek: Um, Princess? Donkey: ♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. ♪ Fiona: Yes, Shrek? Shrek: I, um, I was wondering. Donkey: ♪ Just remember, darling all the while. ♪ Shrek: Are you-- Donkey: You belong to me. Shrek: [Sighs] Are you gonna eat that? [Chuckles] Donkey: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. Fiona: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. Shrek: What? Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. [Shrek Sighs] Fiona: Good night. Shrek: Good night. [Door Creaks] Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin' about? Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it. Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. Shrek: I-- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't-- she's a princess, and I'm-- Donkey: An ogre? Shrek: Yeah. An ogre. Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Shrek: To get... more firewood. [Sighs] Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? [Wings Fluttering] Donkey: Princess? [Creaking] Donkey: [Gasps] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. [Screams] Donkey: Aah! Fiona: Oh, no! Donkey: No, help! Fiona: Shh! Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Fiona: No, it's okay. It's okay. Donkey: What did you do with the princess? Fiona: Donkey, I'm the princess. Donkey: Aah! Fiona: It's me, in this body. Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me? Fiona: Donkey! Donkey: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! Fiona: No! Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Fiona: Shh. Donkey: Shrek! Fiona: This is me. Donkey: [Muffled Mumbling] Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. Fiona I'm ugly, okay? Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now-- Fiona: No. I-- I've been this way as long as I can remember. Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." Donkey: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. Fiona: It's a spell. [Sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [Sobs] Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. Fiona: But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. Donkey: But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common. Fiona: Shrek? Shrek: Princess, I-- Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh-- [Sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. Fiona: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. [Deep Sigh] Fiona: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise! Donkey: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. [Door Opens] [Snoring] Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want-- [Snoring] Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right? Shrek: Perfect! Never been better. Fiona: I-- I don't-- There's something I have to tell you. Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. Fiona: You heard what I said? Shrek: Every word. Fiona: I thought you'd understand. Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does. [Gasps, Sighs] Shrek: Ah, right on time. [Horse Whinnies] Shrek: Princess, I've brought you a little something. ♪♪ [Fanfare] Donkey: [Yawns] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [Muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. Farquaad: Princess Fiona. Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over. Farquaad: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad. Fiona: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell. Farquaad: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. Fiona: No, you're right. It doesn't. Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. [Gasps] Farquaad: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make. Farquaad: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! Fiona: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre. Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. Shrek: Yeah? So what? Donkey: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's-- Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? Donkey: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you. Shrek: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! Donkey: But I thought-- Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! Donkey: Shrek. [♪ Hallelujah By John Cale Playing] John Cale: ♪ I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? It goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Baby, I've been here before, I know this room I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And all I ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. ♪ [Moaning] John Cale: ♪ And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. ♪ [Moaning] John Cale: ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪ [Thumping Sound] Shrek: Donkey? [Grunts] Shrek: What are you doing? Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. Donkey: It is. Around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half. Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm. Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. Shrek: Back off! Donkey: No, you back off. Shrek: This is my swamp! Donkey: Our swamp. Shrek: Let go, Donkey! Donkey: You let go. Shrek: Stubborn jackass! Donkey: Smelly ogre. Shrek: Fine! Donkey: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. Shrek: Well, I'm through with you. Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back! Donkey: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. Shrek: Go away! Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. Shrek: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. Shrek: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? Shrek: Donkey! Donkey: No! Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? Donkey: Hmph. Shrek: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right? Shrek: Right. Friends? Donkey: Friends. Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me? Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time. Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. [Whistles] Shrek: Donkey? [Donkey Laughing] Donkey: I guess it's just an animal magnetism. Shrek: [Laughing] Aw, come here, you. Donkey: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [Donkey Laughing] Whoo! [Bells Tolling] [All Gasping] Bishop: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union... Fiona: Um-- of our now king-- Bishop: Excuse me. Fiona: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? Farquaad: [Chuckling] Go on. Donkey: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? Shrek: What are you talking about? Donkey: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" Shrek: I don't have time for this! Donkey: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: You wanna hold her? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: Please her? Shrek: Yes! Donkey: ♪ Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. ♪ The chicks love that romantic crap! Shrek: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? Donkey: We gotta check it out. [Donkey Grunting] Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me... Shrek: What do you see? Donkey: The whole town's in there. Bishop: ...I now pronounce you husband and wife... Donkey: They're at the altar. Bishop: ...king and queen. Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it. Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete! [Grunts] Shrek: I object! Fiona: Shrek? [Gasps] Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want? [Crowd Clamoring] Shrek: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. Fiona: What are you doing here? Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding-- Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you. Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me-- Shrek: But you can't marry him. Fiona: And why not? Shrek: Because-- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king. Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. Shrek: He's not your true love. Fiona: And what do you know about true love? Shrek: Well, I-- Uh-- I mean-- Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. [Chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. [Crowd Laughing] Farquaad: An ogre and a princess! [Laughing Continues] Fiona: Shrek, is this true? Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm! Fiona: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. [Whimpers] [Crowd Gasping] Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a lot. Farquaad: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! Fiona: No, no! Shrek! Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? Fiona: No, let go of me, Shrek! Shrek: No! Farquaad: Don't just stand there, you morons. Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! Farquaad: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! Fiona: No! Shrek! Farquaad: And as for you, my wife, Shrek: Fiona! Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king! [Whistles] Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-- Aaah! Aah! Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. [Dragon Roars] Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge! [Belches] Donkey: [Donkey Laughs] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? [Cheering] Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek. Shrek: Uh, Fiona? Fiona: Yes, Shrek? Shrek: I-- I love you. Fiona: Really? Shrek: Really, really. Fiona: I love you too. All: Aawww! Fiona: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [Echoing] [Echoing Continues] "Take love's true from. Take love's true form." Shrek: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? Fiona: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. Shrek: But you are beautiful. [Chuckles] Donkey: I was hoping would be a happy ending. [♪ I'm A Believer By Smash Mouth Playing] Steve Harwell: ♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales. ♪ All: Oy! Steve Harwell: ♪ Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. And not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. ♪ Choir: ♪ Ohh-ahh. ♪ Steve Harwell: ♪ I'm a believer I couldn't leaver her if I tried. ♪ Gingy: God bless us, every one. Donkey: Come on, y'all! ♪ Then I saw her face. ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ Now I'm a believer. ♪ Listen! Not a trace. ♪ Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. ♪ Mice: Ooh! Uh! Donkey: ♪ Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! ♪ Smash Mouth: ♪ I'm a believer. ♪ Donkey: ♪ I believe. I believe. I believe! ♪ [Hysterical Laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

@ranboos-sister

[seaswalllow]

fundy stream notes! i’ll release the book transcripts soon after, and link them here! i noted down important actions, and quotes that... i really just want to analyze later.

please note beforehand: this stream has heavy themes of derealization, uses heartbeat sound effects, and there is a chase scene at the end. 

--

starts off on the DSMP server with niki + ranboo, asks them to sleep, wakes up, walks outside, desert, HOW

sky flickers black, even when the sun is out

there’s something to be said abt why his mindscape is a,,, d e s e r t,,,, 

drug van sighted, it’s all downhill from here boys [just like before haha]

“where am i” fuck knows dude, we are all just as clueless as you. “why am i here” WE’D LOVE TO KNOW THAT TOO

11:10 wilbur and fundy nametags sighted

we… never actually see them, funnily enough, just the still nametags, and while i think that was intentional because of recording design, i also,, h r m

there is a fucking house in the distance. i don’t trust this

“ANYONE” [thinks of “you called, but nobody came”]

ominous staircase WOOOO “no no no- yes” what a MOOD, curiosity killed the fox ig

why are there chains in the corner. why is there a skull and blood in the corner. 

[book one]

16:04 first cut to black and wakeup

he’s starting to get more stressed, shouting

his chests are all empty, and the base is cobwebbed? :(

“i am not real? none of this is real? it sure seems real to me! this most definitely seems real to me” 

“why am i alone? why is there nobody? why is this happening to me?”

drug van again- this time wilbur is gone, and the house is definitely closer

“this is funny, this is great! this is amazing! it’s just a prank! it’s april fools soon! that’s why! oh i’m just being pranked! right?” panik.png

“can i enter?” [can’t get into the drug van] ripppppppp

the table with the yellow carpet deteriorated, there’s a skull behind it, am i reaching in making a wilbur connection?

[book two]

21:52 second cut to black and wakeup

mans is losing his shit

laughing and saying this is a joke, over and over again

:( somebody give this man therapy

22:48 “it’s not real, none of this is real. i am not real! this cannot be real! why does this keep happening to me?” oh no :( he’s wayyyy outta denial now

“they’re toying with me. everybody is toying with me, they are always toying with me! everyone is! i’m always being played with!” PLEASE I’M CRYING

“why? why does it always have to be me? no! every single time!” 

oh that house is right on his doorstep now, i don’t trust that shit

b e n c h?

25:20 “it’s not real. i’m currently not real. how is this possible?” he went from saying he was real to the other end real fast.. :(

26:12 “i just gotta sleep, and then it’s all gonna disappear!  and then everyone is gonna appear out of a bush and say surprise!  and i’m gonna be like you guys! you are always pranking me! but you’ve always been there for me… every single time… except sometimes… when i needed you the most…” [getting quieter and sniffling a ton]

27:07 “and we’re gonna go back to my old life where i have fun and join parties and join groups and only see them disappear in front of my eyes as i start to get attached to them. yeah. that’s the choice i’m making. go back to that.”

no drug van in sight around. and as fundy goes looking more [28:36] he finds a still smoking/burning crater. uh. presumably this can be… representative of l’manberg. oh dear. 

“no. nonono, no, i don’t- no. i want to find out. i need to find out.” [29:25]

this time the house is much darker. the table around the chest is completely broken down, no yellow carpet, no red carpet, the floor has eroded some around the chest too. 

[book three]

34:17 the signed book is sighted, signed by ItsFundy, which,,, y e a h,,,, and it’s dated 30/3/2021

[book four]

36:48 he stops reading to leave, in utter disbelief. outside, it is nighttime. 

he rejoices in the fact that he can wake up, and that he won’t have to read the book. he comes very close to sleeping, but he eventually picks the book back up in pursuit of the truth. 

38:06 “and i’ll be back, and i’ll have a blast with everyone. and then this-” he picks the book back up and reads through it. 

39:14 third cut to black, and wake up in the base. third time’s the charm!

“every single time! it never ends! can i escape this ever? am i stuck? permanently?” LMAOOO I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW TOO DUDE

opens the door; the house is gone. there is just a shadowy figure standing outside, which slowly turns to look at him. 

heartbeat and chase scene start at 39:51

fundy runs. tries to sleep to escape it in a bed surrounded by blackstone slabs. 

heartbeat slows, fades out. cut to black.

40:22 casino music starts, quackity (?) smiley fades in, casino slot music fades in. everything cuts to black and to silence. 

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP Meme from Oliver & Company

Now, it's always once upon a time in New York City.

It's a big old bad old tough old town.

Let me have one, please.

Right away, you're making time and making friends

If they pick you out, you're on your way.

Get out there and go and try.

Why does nightfall find you feelin' so alone?

Dreaming is still how the strong survive

Keep your dream alive.

Got to look out and open your eyes,

You're in the fast lane

What's the matter with you? I said get outta here.

I don't eat cats. It's too much fur.

I've been watching you, and I think you're in serious need of some professional guidance.

I'm an expert at these things.

All you gotta do is learn some moves.

This city's got a beat.

When are we gonna get those hot dogs?

I hate to break it to ya, but the dynamic duo is now the dynamic uno.

Our partnership is herewith dissolved.

You're not being fair!

Fairs are for tourists, kid.

Consider it a free lesson in street savoir faire

Hey, wait! I helped you get those! Half of those are mine!

Why should I worry? Why should I care?

I got street savoir faire

You can wear the crown!

Everything goes.

Everything fits.

They love me at the Chelsea, they adore me at the Ritz!

Stop that racket! I'm trying to watch this show.

Shut up, you little rodent.

Come on, let's watch some boxing. I wanna see some action

You think this place is big enough?

What we need is some good quality stuff

Oh, shredded leather.

You insulted my pride! That means death!

It was your turn to get the food today!

You remain our preeminent benefactor.

It was tough. Only I could have done it.

I love a story with food in it.

Enter the opposition.

Gang war! Gang war! Watch out! Here comes a gang war!

Take cover!

It's just a cat.

I followed this dog.

He's lying! He's lying! He's lying! He's lying!

Oh, boy! Dog pile!

Don't let me down!

What do you got?

Let's see what you got.

I was just on my way out.

Actually, I've got something much better than money.

Some luxury items that should make a considerable dent in my debt to you.

Oh, my! You waxed your car, didn't you? Did they use the buffer on it, because I can see myself.

I don't think you grasp the severity of the situation.

Now, I lent you money and I don't see it.

People like you get hurt.

I can't figure out why you'd rather hang around a dump like this when you could be living uptown with a class act like myself.

Isn't it rather dangerous to use one's entire vocabulary in a single sentence?

You bad, man.

Hey, you got something to say to me, fat boy?

Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

Oh, I'm having a bad day!

I like cats. I like to eat 'em.

Your master's calling.

Come on and say it to my face!

How am I ever gonna come up with all that money?

It's hopeless.

That took a lot of guts.

All right. Time for bed. We've got a big day tomorrow.

We've got two days to do or die.

You got a lot to learn. And if you don't learn, you don't eat!

But if you're tough, and always use your head, you'll be right at home, on the street.

When you got talent, everything is free.

You're gonna see how the best survive.

These are streets of gold.

You'll take the town, and you'll take it with style.

You're in charge of electronics.

Hey, but what about me? What do I do?

Ready? Go!

What have I done? Poor thing.

You oughta be ashamed of yourself!

Run along, little fellow. Go on, now. Shoo.

Be a lookout.

I only got one more wire, okay?

Oh, you poor kitty. Here. Let me help you.

Where's the kid?

We can't just take in a stray off the street.

Don't worry, kitty. I'll take care of you.

Your public awaits.

Girl, we've got work to do

Pass me the paint and glue.

Perfect isn't easy

When one knows the world is watching, one does what one must.

See how the breeding shows

Sometimes it's too much for even me!

But when all the world says "Yes", then, who am I to say "no"?

Don't ask a mutt to strut like a showgirl

Perfection becomes me, ne c'est pas?

I'm beauty unleashed!

So classic and classy

They're barking up the wrong tree!

I have your hearts, and you have my pity

Pretty is nice, but still it's just pretty!

I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

What is the meaning of this?

I guess I'll have to handle this myself.

And do you have any idea whose home this is?

Isn't he cute?

What in Heaven's name are we waiting for?

Alas, our beleaguered benefactor bearing the brunt of our futile endeavours.

Cool it!

Our mission begins at daybreak.

I don't hear any practicing.

Oh, you wanna practice too!

We two can be good company.

You and me, just wait and see.

I'll handle that ruffian.

Body slam! Body slam! Oh, come on, you fool! Hit him! Hit him!

Come back here!

Huh, this place looks pretty nice. I mean, how bad off could it be here?

Chagall. Matisse. These are all masterpieces.

Hey, man, if this is torture, chain me to the wall.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down.

Don't come any closer! I knew this would happen one day.

It's not you I'm after.

Not good enough for you?

I mean, do you even know who I am?

GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU LITTLE BUG-EYED CREEP!

Something's not quite right here.

Shh. Quick. Before he comes back. Follow me.

I mean, let's just forget the whole thing.

No, no, you can't do that! You don't understand. The poor dear's so traumatized.

What is going on here?

Hurry. Use the fire escape.

Ooh, I could've danced all night! I could've danced all night!

You were very good.

I was rather good, wasn't I?

You okay, kid?

I have another home now. And someone who loves me.

You're in the gang.

I just wanna go back.

You wanna leave? Fine! There's the door.

You lighten up!

Oh, it's hopeless.

Looks like you're doing all right for yourself

So that's where you've been!

Feel it. That's it. Very good.

This is an airtight plan

I'll even toss in a little extra for your patience.

It's my final offer. Take it or leave it.

I said, push!

No, you don't kill 'im yet.

Did we bring something green and wrinkly to make me happy?

I'm getting your money tonight! It's coming tonight!

Hey, I think there's hope for you yet.

Yeah, you're starting to think big.

It's creepy down here.

I drew a perfectly good map.

A child could read that map.

I didn't do it! I didn't do it! I was framed!

This is a tough neighborhood. You'd better go home.

I came to find my kitty.

You brought a piggy bank.

What kind of a person would steal a poor little kitty?

I'm so scared. I don't know what to do.

I found a little lost kitten.

No! No, wait! You can't do this!

Keep your mouth shut.

Stop! Stop! Time out!

There's gotta be some way in.

Peasants.

Well, it's nice to see that one of you has some manners.

After you, my little croissant

And remember, quiet.

Oh! I broke a nail.

Oh, balderdash.

Freeze!

I don't think you really appreciate the situation. Somebody could get hurt.

You smell that?

It's party time!

Where are those dogs?

I thought I'd never see you again.

What's the occasion? Come to rescue your little friend?

All right! What a woman!

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go

This has all been very entertaining. But the party is over.

Hey, man, you're ugly!

Aah! Save me!

Hey, get off my back, woman! I'm driving!

All right, anybody want some cake?

Murder him! Twist his arm!

The gifts were great.

We'll start with a bath.

You know, you're not so bad for a bug-eyed little creep.

You come back here this minute!

Tell me why should I care

What a delightful scoundrel.

[arysthaeniru]

...I hear you’re doing drabble giveaways? :) I would love some nishitani/majima!! I saw you wanted to write a nishitani lives au and i hope you end up doing it because I would love to see how you write them ❤️

Aaaahhhh, thank you for this request <3 I hope you enjoy this little snippet, I really like Nishitani’s dynamic with Majima, because it’s so much about temptation and vices and flagrant hedonism that makes Majima value himself more as a person. Nishitani’s whole shtick is about pleasure and when Majima of Yakuza 0 is convinced he doesn’t deserve that, it makes for an excellent dynamic. 

Somehow Nishitani has found Club Sunshine. Majima notices him on one of their busiest days, on the tailend of dealing with a problem customer, who'd had issues with the quality of their champagne. He's cloistered himself in one of the back booths, entertained by Saki-chan.

Majima snaps to attention and rushes over to the booth, even though Saki hasn't made the hand signal for help yet. He snaps his fingers, once, twice. "Out." He says, shortly, and feels a slow curl of rage within him as Nishitani just turns to give Majima a once-over, slow and lingering, smirk spreading over his face.

"Majima-kun, I didn't think ya'd turn down a payin’ customer." Nishitani drawls, with a self-satisfied grin.

"Payin’ customer or not, yer trouble. Out." Majima snaps, stiffly.

Saki turns to look at Majima, anxiously, but she doesn't seem especially perturbed by Nishitani's presence. What is it about his charm where somehow, girls who dislike being taken for granted, are magically alright with Nishitani's presence? The girls at the Grand too, had been surprisingly unfazed by Nishitani breaking Majima's 'Look-Don't-Touch' rules. "Majima-san..." she says, in that tone that means she's worried about him.

"Ya all good here?" Majima asks Saki, gently. For all that she's a strong woman who is used to taking care of herself, Majima wants her to know she can rely on him to defuse anything uncomfortable for her.

"Don't be so paranoid, Majima-kun. We're getting along just fine!" Nishitani squeezes Saki's bicep, in an overly-friendly way, and Majima scowls when Saki just giggles, not even vaguely discomfited.

"Not talking ta you, am I? Shaddup."

"I'm fine, Majima-san." Saki says, with a sunny smile.

Majima grimaces to and turns his gaze on Nishitani. It's a busy night. He really can't insist on running Nishitani away, not if he's going to behave himself and get them money. He's got other girls to take care of. "One step outta line, and I call the police, pronto. Ya won't get ta fight me at all." Majima says, firmly, and turns on his heel to walk away, before he can get a response.

Inbetween getting refills for Yuki and towels for Erranda, Majima hears snippets of their conversation all evening.

"I like my lovers strong, intent. Makes everything more fun, ya know?" "Nothin’ draws the eye more than a girl who's confident in herself." "Gotta love somebody who can take care of 'emselves."

The whole time, Saki just laughs, handles herself with her usual graceful aplomb, steers the conversation in pleasant, easy directions, showing off her prowess as the former star of Club Jupiter, perfectly adept at handling rougher types.

Majima seethes, quietly and tries to not watch them, listen to them. But he can't help it. Whenever he has even a momentary breather, his peripheral senses can't help but turn towards Nishitani. He justifies it to himself as keeping an eye out for trouble, but if he's being really honest with himself, that's not the primary reason.

Majima's always been drawn to strength. It's the one thing that has always shaped his path, shaped his destiny. It had been what had drawn to him to Saejima, like a moth to the flame, in the middle of those Tokyo streets as a youth. It had been what convinced Majima to chain himself to Shimano’s yoke, get the man’s motifs and markings all over his back. It had been what made Majima so comfortable in Fei Hu’s shop, and so familiar with Lee’s rough approach. A mixture of sheer adrenaline, blood-thumping through his entire chest, a shot of courage, fury and wild chaos, and desire, slow and cloying, curling up in the pit of his stomach, making him light-headed and short of breath. Majima’s life has been defined and drawn around strength, power, desire, ambition.

And Nishitani’s powerful. He’d felt the surges of his strength, precision and cleverness throughout that short fight through the Grand’s centre-stage. If Majima had slipped even once, if Majima had been anything less than perfect, propelled by the fury of confusion, he would have died to Nishitani’s blade.

That shouldn’t be as much of a turn-on as it is.

Especially not when considering Nishitani’s about twenty years past his prime. He’s from the same generation as Shimano, Sagawa, those old fucks who’ve caged him in, trapped him down. With freckled sun-spots smattered over wrinkling skin, and touches of grey to the roots of his hair, and his scarred, calloused hands, Majima shouldn’t be drawn to him in that way. Old, pervy fucker, he should represent everything Majima hates most about the generation of yakuza above him.

But he can’t help it. Nishitani’s presence is like a livewire, electrifying, dangerous, addictive. And Majima couldn’t look away, even if he wanted to.

When the evening shift draws to a close, Majima leaves Youda and Yuki to be in charge of wiping down the place and saying goodbye to the last of the customers. He dips out for a smoke instead, to try and gain control of his fraying nerves, to pull himself back into a modicum of calm. He can’t lose himself in this.

He’s not yakuza anymore. Just a man desperately trying to stay alive long enough to let Saejima kill him. And a man trying desperately to preserve any sense of goodness, keep that fragile spark of a girl safe inside that cold warehouse... none of him has room for Nishitani’s advances.

And yet...

“You ever consider lettin’ yer hair free, Majima-kun? Just for a moment?” Nishitani drawls, voice dangerously close to Majima’s. They’re outside the club now, and he’s not a paying customer anymore. That makes this interaction dangerous.

“No.” Majima says, puffing out a cool breeze of smoke straight into Nishitani’s face. The fucker doesn’t even flinch, just grins, that lightly mocking smile.

“Not even once? Shame that. Pretty things like you only gets better when they cut loose a little, live free.” Nishitani says, sauntering around to prop himself up over Majima, trapping him into the wall. It’s at once a threat of aggression, and a threat of something else, something more sensible. His hand comes in close, as if to caress Majima’s hair, but he stops just short of doing it, balances it against the wall instead.

Perhaps he senses Majima’s internal tension, perhaps he knows that Majima will deck him the moment Nishitani lays a hand on him. Or maybe it’s something like respect for Majima’s rules. (Majima dismisses that thought immediately, Nishitani wouldn’t know respect if it came up to him and sucked his dick.)

Despite himself, Majima swallows a little, as he takes another deep inhale of the cigarette. “The fuck do you want? I ain’t tellin’ you where Makoto is.”

Nishitani grins. From up close, Majima can smell the alcohol on his breath, whiskey, cigarettes and something else, a little deeper. It’s not exactly a good smell, but it’s a familiar smell, a comfortable smell. Nishitani is the epitome of the yakuza lifestyle that Majima had grown up desiring.

“Don’t worry, Majima-kun. I ain’t here for that today. Got a little proposition for ya, instead.” he says, licking his lips. Majima can’t look away from his mouth, the slight pinkness of his tongue against his surprisingly dark lips, and so he almost misses Nishitani’s next sentence. “Got a job I need ya ter do for me.”

Majima frowns. “The fuck would I do that for?”

“Issa job only you can do” Nishitani grins, and waggles his eyebrows. “Compensate ya handsomely, of course.”

Majima rolls his eyes, but honestly, for cash-money, he’ll do just about anything for anybody, short of prostitution. Anything to get his debt to Shimano and Sagawa square. “What?” he asks, pretending to be bored, pretending none of this interests him.

“There’s this gambling club I run that’s been real trouble, lately. Won’t listen to a damn word I say, and they seem to be squirreling some cash away, some big winnings they managed to poach from a pack of fools. Can’t have that sort of shit on my turf.” Nishitani says, with a casual ease. “I’d send my boys in, but ya see, someone seems ta have done a number on ‘em, and they look about as threatening as a flock of pigeons, all covered in bandages like they are.”

“You could do it yerself.” Majima says, gaze darting down to Nishitani’s feet. Just over the edge of his socks, Majima can see the bandages, and he’s noticed that Nishitani holds himself with a limp. He’s clearly still injured from their fight, when Majima had shoved his fucking knife right inbetween his tendons.

“I could, but ya see, they know my face. They’d gear up for trouble the moment I stepped within a five-foot vicinity. You on the other hand...” Nishitani leans in, that smug grin only getting bigger.

Majima snorts, before he can stop himself. “Ya say that like everybody in this town doesn’t know my face, too.”

“Lord of the Night.” Nishitani agrees, and his voice hums with approval. “But ya see, yer reputation precedes you. Everybody knows ya don’t start fights, ya end them. So if you started a fight at the gambling parlour, not a damn soul would expect it.” There’s a crazed glint to Nishitani’s eyes, reflecting off the neon signs from the bars around them, and Majima shouldn’t be considering this at all, but he is. The thought of going in and smashing heads of people who actually deserve it always gets Majima’s blood simmering. He can’t help himself. He’s a creature nurtured on a diet of violence, and the Hole has changed him. It shaped him in the image of its own cruelty, and Majima had let its madness into his soul, or he would never have lived to see the sunlight again.

Majima wonders what had made Nishitani this way.

“The fuck would I jeopardize my rep for? For you?” asks Majima, dangerously.

“I’ll owe ya one, just the pleasure of seein’ ya go crazy in there.” Nishitani says, leaning inwards, mouth just centimetres from Majima’s ear. “Whatever ya want, name it.”

Majima’s skin is alit with goosebumps, he feels like a leaf in the breeze, one touch would undo him, undo all of Majima’s tightly laced boundaries, would unravel everything that has kept him safe and alive. If Nishitani pressed even an inch closer, Majima would agree to just about anything he asked. And they both know it, it’s the electric spark between them, Nishitani’s complete understanding of how fragile everything about Majima’s existence is.

But Nishitani doesn’t touch him, just lets his breath caress the inner curve of Majima’s ear and pulls back, eyes glinting with maleficent amusement.

He wants Majima to make the step on his own. He wants Majima to come apart at his own behest. Fucking sadist.

“Well. Let me know. Ya know where ta find me.” Nishitani says, slow and languid. “Be seein’ ya, Majima-kun.”

He saunters away without a care in the world, and Majima lets the cigarette drop from his mouth and presses his back against the wall outside Club Sunshine, desperately trying to quell the fire within him that blazes in indignation at letting Nishitani just walk away from him.

[im-just-trying-to-get-bi]

SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey

takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay wit' you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay wit' you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...?

(Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A

masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40

stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give

the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell

me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of

a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it

hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?

FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world

anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a

tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's

okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I

said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So

you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very

clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless

us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END

Omg

[crebby]

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.

[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]

Shrek: What a load of--

[Toilet Door slams]

Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.

[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪

[Shouting]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

[Belches]

Villagers: Go! Go!

[Record Scrating]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!

Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

Villager 3: No!

Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

[Gasping]

Villager 3: Right.

[Roaring]

[Shouting]

[Roaring]

[Roaring Continues]

[Shouting Continues]

Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.

[Gasping]

Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]

Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away!

[Gasps]

Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Next!

Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.

Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.

Guard 4: Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.

Guard 5: Come on!

[Thudding]

Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!

Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.

Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

Old Lady: Oh, shut up!

Donkey: Oh!

Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?

Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!

Captain of the Guards: Next.

Pinocchio: Help me!

Captain of the Guards: What have you got?

Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

[Grunts]

Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Captain of the Guards: Well?

Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--

Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.

Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!

Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

Pigs: He can fly!

Captain of the Guards: He can talk!

Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.

Captain of the Guards: Seize him!

Guard 7: After him! He's getting away!

[Grunts, Gasps]

Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!

Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?

[Gasps, Whimpering]

Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!

Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!

Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.

Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

[Roaring]

Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

Shrek: Why are you following me?

Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪

Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey: Nope.

Shrek: Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek: Uh, Shrek.

Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?

Shrek: That would be my home.

Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know. Can I stay with you?

Shrek: Uh, what?

Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?

Shrek: Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.

Donkey: Ah! Thank you!

Shrek: What are you-- No. No.

Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.

Shrek: Oh!

Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek: Outside!

I wish Tumblr had character limits for asks

[shhh-go-to-sleep]

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.

[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]

Shrek: What a load of--

[Toilet Door slams]

Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.

[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪

[Shouting]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

[Belches]

Villagers: Go! Go!

[Record Scrating]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!

Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

Villager 3: No!

Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

[Gasping]

Villager 3: Right.

[Roaring]

[Shouting]

[Roaring]

[Roaring Continues]

[Shouting Continues]

Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.

[Gasping]

Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]

Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away!

[Gasps]

Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Next!

Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.

Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.

Guard 4: Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.

Guard 5: Come on!

[Thudding]

Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!

Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.

Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

Old Lady: Oh, shut up!

Donkey: Oh!

Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?

Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!

Captain of the Guards: Next.

Pinocchio: Help me!

Captain of the Guards: What have you got?

Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

[Grunts]

Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Captain of the Guards: Well?

Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--

Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.

Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!

Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

Pigs: He can fly!

Captain of the Guards: He can talk!

Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.

Captain of the Guards: Seize him!

Guard 7: After him! He's getting away!

[Grunts, Gasps]

Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!

Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?

[Gasps, Whimpering]

Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!

Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!

Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.

Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

[Roaring]

Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

Shrek: Why are you following me?

Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪

Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey: Nope.

Shrek: Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek: Uh, Shrek.

Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?

Shrek: That would be my home.

Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know. Can I stay with you?

Shrek: Uh, what?

Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?

Shrek: Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.

Donkey: Ah! Thank you!

Shrek: What are you-- No. No.

Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.

Shrek: Oh!

Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek: Outside!

Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪

[Bubbling]

[Sighs]

[Creaking]

Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?

Donkey: I am outside.

[Clattering]

[Clattering]

Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

Gorder: What a lovely bed.

Shrek: Got ya.

Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.

Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]

Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.

Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?

Gorder: How did you know?

Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey!

[Snickers]

Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

Shrek: Huh? [Gasps]

Wolf: What?

Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?

Wolf: Aah!

Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no.

[Cackling]

[Cackling Continues]

Shrek: What?

Girl: Quit it. Don't push.

[Squeaking]

[Lows]

Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

[Gasping]

Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

[Sighs]

Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them.

Pinocchio: Gosh, no one invited us.

Shrek: What?

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.

Shrek: By who?

Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he singed an eviction notice.

Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is.

[Murmuring]

Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.

Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? Anyone?

Donkey: Me! Me! Oh! Oh! Pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all Fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

[Cheering]

[Twittering]

[Cheering Continues]

Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind, big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek. ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪

Shrek: What did I say about singing?

Donkey: Can I whistle?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Can I hum it?

Shrek: All right. Hum it.

♪♪ [Humming]

[Gurgling]

[Coughing]

Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.

[Coughing]

Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

Gingy: You're a monster.

Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?

Gingy: Eat me!

[Spits]

Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--

Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!

Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them?

Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man.

Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?

Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.

Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man!

Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.

[Door Opens]

Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it.

Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

[Man Grunting]

[Gasping]

Gingy: Oh.

Farquaad: Magic Mirror.

Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No!

Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?

Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.

Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying

Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

Farquaad: Go on.

Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome, Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?

Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?

Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!

Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, Number three!

Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]

Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪

Farquaad: Princess Fiona.

Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪

Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--

Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

Farquaad: I'll do it.

Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.

Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.

Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.

Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.

Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]

Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

Shrek: Hey, you!

[Screams]

Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--

[Whimpering]

[Sighs]

[Whimpering, Groans]

[Turnstile Clatters]

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

♪♪ [Instrumental Music]

Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.

[Creaking]

Shrek: Where is everybody?

Donkey: Hey, look at this!

[Clattering, Whirring, Clicking]

[Clicking]

[Clicking Quickens]

Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪

[Camera Shutter Clicks]

Bestie..- 😀

[localvoidcat]

:)

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]Shrek: What a load of--[Toilet Door slams]Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪[Shouting]Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪[Belches]Villagers: Go! Go![Record Scrating]Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.Villager 3: No!Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya![Gasping]Villager 3: Right.[Roaring][Shouting][Roaring][Roaring Continues][Shouting Continues]Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.[Gasping]Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away![Gasps]Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!Captain of the Guards: Next!Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.Guard 4: Get up!Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.Guard 5: Come on![Thudding]Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!Old Lady: Oh, shut up!Donkey: Oh!Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!Captain of the Guards: Next.Pinocchio: Help me!Captain of the Guards: What have you got?Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.[Grunts]Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.Captain of the Guards: Well?Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little

nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!Peter Pan: He can fly!Pigs: He can fly!Captain of the Guards: He can talk!Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.Captain of the Guards: Seize him!Guard 7: After him! He's getting away![Grunts, Gasps]Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!Shrek: Aye?Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?[Gasps, Whimpering]Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.[Roaring]Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.Shrek: Why are you following me?Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?Donkey: Nope.Shrek: Really?Donkey: Really, really.Shrek: Oh.Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?Shrek: Uh, Shrek.Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?Shrek: That would be my home.Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?Shrek: I like my privacy.Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know? Can I stay with you?Shrek: Uh, what?Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?Shrek: Of course!Donkey: Really?Shrek: No.Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.Donkey: Ah! Thank you!Shrek: What are you-- No. No.Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.Shrek: Oh!Donkey: Where do,

uh, I sleep?Shrek: Outside!Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪[Bubbling][Sighs][Creaking]Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?Donkey: I am outside.[Clattering][Clattering]Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.Gorder: What a lovely bed.Shrek: Got ya.Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?Gorder: How did you know?Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey![Snickers]Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.Shrek: Huh? [Gasps]Wolf: What?Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?Wolf: Aah!Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no.[Cackling][Cackling Continues]Shrek: What?Girl: Quit it. Don't push.[Squeaking][Lows]Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp? Swamp? Swamp?[Gasping]Fairies: Oh, dear!Dwarf: Whoa!Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!Dwarf: Quickly. Come on!Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.Dwarf: Oh![Sighs]Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them.Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.Shrek: What?Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.Shrek: By who?Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice.Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is.[Murmuring]Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?Donkey: Me! Me!Shrek: Anyone?Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from![Cheering][Twittering][Cheering Continues]Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me.Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek.Dwarf: Hey. Oh, oh!Donkey: ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪Shrek: What did I say about singing?Donkey: Can I whistle?Shrek: No.Donkey: Can I hum it?Shrek: All right, hum it.♪♪ [Humming][Gurgling][Coughing]Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.[Coughing]Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!Gingy: You're a monster.Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!?Gingy: Eat me![Spits]Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them?Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man.Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man!Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.[Door Opens]Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it.Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.[Man Grunting][Gasping]Gingy: Oh!Farquaad: Magic Mirror.Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No!Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying?Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.Farquaad: Go

on.Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three!Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.Farquaad: I'll do it.Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.Shrek: Hey, you![Screams]Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--[Whimpering][Sighs][Whimpering, Groans][Turnstile Clatters][Chuckles][Sighs]♪♪ [Instrumental Music]Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.[Creaking]Shrek: Where is everybody?Donkey: Hey, look at this![Clattering, Whirring, Clicking][Clicking][Clicking Quickens]Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪[Camera Shutter Clicks][Whirring]Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! No.[Trumpet Fanfare][Crowd Cheering]Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land.[Donkey Humming]Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself--Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.Donkey: Sorry about that.[Cheering]Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.[Cheering]Farquaad: Let the tournament begin![Gasps]Knight 1: Oh!Farquaad: What is that?[Gasping]Farquaad: It's hideous!Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.Donkey: Huh?Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!Knight 2: Get him!Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.Woman: Go ahead! Get him!Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint?Knight 3: Kill the beast!Shrek: No? All right then. Come on![♪ Bad Reputation By Joan Jett Playing]Halfcocked: ♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪Knight 4: Damn![Whinnying]Halfcocked: ♪ A girl can do

what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪Shrek: Ah! [Laughs]Halfcocked: ♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪Shrek: Yeah!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪[Bell Dings][Cheering]Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha![Shrek Laughs][Crowd Gasping, Murmuring]Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir?Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!Shrek: What?Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.Farquaad: Your swamp?Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures![Crowd Murmuring]Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.Shrek: Exactly the way it was?Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.Shrek: And the squatters?Farquaad: As good as gone.Shrek: What kind of quest?Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.Donkey: Example?Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.Donkey: [Sniffs] They stink?Shrek: Yes-- No!Donkey: They make you cry?Shrek: No!Donkey: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs]Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes.Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet.Shrek: You know, I think preferred your humming.Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.[♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing]The Proclaimers: ♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪Donkey: Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

either.[Rumbling]Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing]Donkey: Shrek? Remember when you said ogres have layers?Shrek: Oh, aye.Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.Donkey: You know what I mean.Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava!Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay. For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.Donkey: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down.Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now. Please.Shrek: But you're already halfway.Donkey: But I know that half is safe!Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait!Shrek: Donkey-- Let's have a dance then, shall we?Donkey: Don't do that!Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?Donkey: Yes, that!Shrek: This? This, do it. Okay.Donkey: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it!Shrek: You said do it. I'm doin' it.Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.Donkey: Cool. So, where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.[Water Dripping][Wind Howling]Donkey: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid?Shrek: No, but-- Shh.Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps]Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess.Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there?Shrek: I read it in a book once.Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.[Creaking]Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it.Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--?Donkey: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps][Roars]Shrek: Donkey, look out! [Screams][Screams][Whimpering]Shrek: Got ya![Roars][Gasps]Shrek: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming]Donkey: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping][Growls]Donkey: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have.[Growls]Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek![Groans, Sighs]♪♪ [Chorus Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]Fiona: Oh! Oh!Shrek in Armor: Wake up!Fiona: What?Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona?Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.Shrek in Armor: Oh, that's nice. Now, let's go!Fiona: But,

wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?Shrek in Amror: Yeah. Sorry, lady. There's no time.Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed.Shrek in Armor: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?Fiona: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!Shrek in Armor: I don't think so.Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion?Shrek: Um, Shrek.Fiona: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.Shrek in Armor: Thanks.[Roaring]Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?Shrek in Armor: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on!Fiona: [Screams] But this isn't right! You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!Fiona: You know, that's not the point! Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.Shrek in Armor: Well, I have to save my ass.Fiona: What kind of knight are you?Shrek in Armor: One of the kind.Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and-- I'd really love to stay, but-- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal ail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh![Growls][Roars][Roaring][Gasps]Donkey: Hi, Princess!Fiona: It talks!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!Donkey: Shrek! [Screams] [Screaming]Shrek: Oh![Thuds][Groans][Shrek Groans][Roars][Roars][Roaring][Roars]Shrek in Armor: Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run![Gasping][Screaming][Screams][Roars][Panting, Sighs][Whimpers][Roars][Roars, Whimpers][Dragon Growling In The Distance]Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're-- You're wonderful. You're... A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.[Clears Throat]Fiona: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed?Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed.Fiona: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.Shrek in Armor: Uh, no.Fiona: Why not?Shrek: I have helmet hair.Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.Shrek in Armor: No, no, you wouldn't'st.Fiona: But, how will you kiss me?Shrek in Armor: What? That job wasn't in the job description.Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?Fiona: Well, yes.[Laughing][Laughing]Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love!Fiona: What is so funny?Shrek in Armor: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-- Now remove your helmet.Shrek in Amror: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.Fiona: Just take off the helmet.Shrek in Amror: I'm not going to.Fiona: Take it off.Shrek in Amror: No!Fiona: Now!Shrek in Armor: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness.Fiona: You-- You're-- an ogre.Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.Fiona: Well, yes,

actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay. He's the one who wants to marry you.Fiona: Then why didn't he come to rescue me?Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre and his pet.Donkey: So much for noble steed.Shrek: You're not making my job any easier.Fiona: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.Fiona: You wouldn't dare. Put me down!Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey?Donkey: I'm right behind ya.Fiona: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [Screams]Donkey: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right? But you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?Fiona: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your-- Hey! [Sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better.Donkey: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful!Fiona: And my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?Shrek: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's standards are in short supply. [Laughs]Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him.[Both Laughing]Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.Shrek: Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.Fiona: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?Shrek: No, that'll take longer.Fiona: But there's robbers in the woods.Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is definitely startin' to sound good.Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp now![Bird Wings Fluttering]Shrek: [Grunting] Hey! Over here.Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.Shrek: Homey touches? Like what?[Crashing]Fiona: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.Fiona: I said, good night!Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing?Shrek: [Laughs] I just-- You know-- Oh, come on. I was just kidding.[Fire Crackling]Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.Donkey: I know you're making this up.Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.Donkey: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.Shrek: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.Donkey: [Sighs] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?Shrek: Our swamp?Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.Shrek: We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.Shrek: No. Do ya think?Donkey: Are you hidin' something?Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.Donkey: Oh! This is another one of those onion things, isn't it?Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it?Shrek: Why do you always want to?Donkey: Why are you blocking?Shrek: I'm not blocking.Donkey: Yes, you are.Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you.Donkey: Who you trying to keep out?Shrek: Everyone! Okay?Donkey: Now we're gettin' somewhere.Shrek: Oh! For

the love of Pete!Donkey: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world?Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [Sighs] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.Shrek: Yeah, I know.Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.Donkey: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?Shrek: That's the moon.Donkey: Oh, okay.♪♪ [Orchestra]♪♪ [Dulcimer]Farquaad: Again. Show me again.[Music Stops, Rewinds]Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.Mirror: Hmph.[Rewinds, Resumes]Farquaad: Ah. Perfect. [Inhales][Snoring]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Whistling Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Vocalizing, High-pitched]♪♪ [Whistling, High-pitched]♪♪ [Continues][Sizzling][Sniffs, Yawns]Shrek: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.Donkey: Come on, baby. I said I like it.Shrek: Donkey, wake up.Donkey: Huh? What?Shrek: Wake up.Donkey: What?Fiona: Good morning. How do you like your eggs?Donkey: Good morning, Princess!Shrek: What's all this about?Fiona: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me.Shrek: Uh, thanks.[Sniffs]Fiona: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.[Belches]Donkey: Shrek!Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [Laughs]Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.[Belches]Fiona: Thanks.Donkey: She's as nasty as you are.Shrek: [Laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected.Fiona: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing]Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey!Shrek: Princess?[Laughs]Fiona: What are you doing?Monsieur Hood: Be still, cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green [Kissing Sounds] beast.Shrek: Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own!Monsieur Hood: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?Fiona: Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are!Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course! How rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [Laughs]♪♪ [Accordion]Merry Men: ♪ Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪Man: ♪ He takes a wee percentage. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-- ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Paid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ So. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ That's bad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ He's mad. He's really, really mad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start! ♪[Tarzan Yell][Grunts, Groans][Karate Yell][Merry Men Gasping]Fiona: [Panting] Man, that was annoying!Man: Oh, you little--[Karate Yell]♪♪ [Accordion][Tarzan woman yell][Shouting, Groaning][Tarzan woman yells about 3 times][Groaning]Fiona: [Chuckles] Um, shall we?Shrek: Hold the phone.[Grunts]Shrek: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?Fiona: What?Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?Fiona: Well-- [Chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a-- There's an arrow in your butt!Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that?Fiona: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.Donkey: Why? What's wrong?Fiona: Shrek's hurt.Donkey: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay.Donkey: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your

legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: What are the flowers for?Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.Shrek: Ah.Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.Shrek: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.Fiona: I'm sorry, but it has to come out.Shrek: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help.Fiona: Don't move.Shrek: Look, time out.Fiona: Would you-- [Grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do?Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: Ow!Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!Shrek: Ow! Not good.Fiona: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.[Grunts]Fiona: It's just about--Shrek: Ow! Ohh!Donkey: Ahem.Shrek: Nothing happened. We were just, uh--Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay.Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just-- Ugh! Ow!Donkey: Hey, what's that? [Nervous Chuckle] That's-- Is that blood? [Sighs][Bird Chirping][♪ My Beloved Monster By Eels Playing][Grunts]Eels: ♪ My beloved monster and me. We go everywhere together. Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. ♪Donkey: Aah!Eels: ♪ She will always be the only thing. That comes between me and the awful sting. That comes from living in the world that's so damn mean. ♪[Croaks]Eels: ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪Fiona: Hey!Eels: ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪[Both Laughing]Eels: La-la, la-la, la-la.Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.Fiona: That's Duloc?Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really-- Ow!Shrek: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move one.Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey.[Blubbering]Shrek: What?Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine.Fiona: That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?Fiona: I'll make you some tea.Donkey: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [Bones Crunch] Ow! See?Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.Fiona: I'll get the firewood.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.Fiona: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?Shrek: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.Fiona: No kidding.Shrek: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [Chuckling]Donkey: [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.Shrek: [Gulps] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it.Fiona: [Chuckles] I'd like that.[Slurps, Laughs]Donkey: ♪ See the pyramids along the Nile. ♪Shrek: Um, Princess?Donkey: ♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. ♪Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I, um, I was wondering.Donkey: ♪ Just remember, darling all the while. ♪Shrek: Are you--Donkey: You belong to me.Shrek: [Sighs] Are you gonna eat that?[Chuckles]Donkey: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.Fiona: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.Shrek: What?Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid

of the dark.[Shrek Sighs]Fiona: Good night.Shrek: Good night.[Door Creaks]Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin' about?Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it.Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.Shrek: I-- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't-- she's a princess, and I'm--Donkey: An ogre?Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'?Shrek: To get... more firewood. [Sighs]Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?[Wings Fluttering]Donkey: Princess?[Creaking]Donkey: [Gasps] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.[Screams]Donkey: Aah!Fiona: Oh, no!Donkey: No, help!Fiona: Shh!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: No, it's okay. It's okay.Donkey: What did you do with the princess?Fiona: Donkey, I'm the princess.Donkey: Aah!Fiona: It's me, in this body.Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me?Fiona: Donkey!Donkey: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!Fiona: No!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: Shh.Donkey: Shrek!Fiona: This is me.Donkey: [Muffled Mumbling] Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.Fiona I'm ugly, okay?Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now--Fiona: No. I-- I've been this way as long as I can remember.Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form."Donkey: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.Fiona: It's a spell. [Sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [Sobs]Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.Fiona: But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.Donkey: But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common.Fiona: Shrek?Shrek: Princess, I-- Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh-- [Sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.Fiona: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.[Deep Sigh]Fiona: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise!Donkey: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.[Door Opens][Snoring]Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want--[Snoring]Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right?Shrek: Perfect! Never been better.Fiona: I-- I don't-- There's

something I have to tell you.Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.Fiona: You heard what I said?Shrek: Every word.Fiona: I thought you'd understand.Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does.[Gasps, Sighs]Shrek: Ah, right on time.[Horse Whinnies]Shrek: Princess, I've brought you a little something.♪♪ [Fanfare]Donkey: [Yawns] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [Muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over.Farquaad: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.Fiona: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell.Farquaad: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.Fiona: No, you're right. It doesn't.Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.[Gasps]Farquaad: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make.Farquaad: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!Fiona: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre.Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.Shrek: Yeah? So what?Donkey: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's--Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?Donkey: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you.Shrek: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!Donkey: But I thought--Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!Donkey: Shrek.[♪ Hallelujah By John Cale Playing]John Cale: ♪ I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? It goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Baby, I've been here before, I know this room I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And all I ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪[Thumping Sound]Shrek: Donkey?[Grunts]Shrek: What are you doing?Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.Donkey: It is. Around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half.Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm.Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.Shrek: Back off!Donkey: No, you back off.Shrek: This is my swamp!Donkey: Our swamp.Shrek: Let go, Donkey!Donkey: You let go.Shrek: Stubborn jackass!Donkey: Smelly ogre.Shrek: Fine!Donkey: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.Shrek: Well, I'm through with you.Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me

and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back!Donkey: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.Shrek: Go away!Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.Shrek: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.Shrek: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: No!Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?Donkey: Hmph.Shrek: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?Shrek: Right. Friends?Donkey: Friends.Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time.Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. [Whistles]Shrek: Donkey?[Donkey Laughing]Donkey: I guess it's just an animal magnetism.Shrek: [Laughing] Aw, come here, you.Donkey: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [Donkey Laughing] Whoo![Bells Tolling][All Gasping]Bishop: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union...Fiona: Um-- of our now king--Bishop: Excuse me.Fiona: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?Farquaad: [Chuckling] Go on.Donkey: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?Shrek: What are you talking about?Donkey: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"Shrek: I don't have time for this!Donkey: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: You wanna hold her?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: Please her?Shrek: Yes!Donkey: ♪ Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. ♪ The chicks love that romantic crap!Shrek: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?Donkey: We gotta check it out.[Donkey Grunting]Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me...Shrek: What do you see?Donkey: The whole town's in there.Bishop: ...I now pronounce you husband and wife...Donkey: They're at the altar.Bishop: ...king and queen.Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete![Grunts]Shrek: I object!Fiona: Shrek?[Gasps]Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want?[Crowd Clamoring]Shrek: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.Fiona: What are you doing here?Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding--Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you.Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me--Shrek: But you can't marry him.Fiona: And why not?Shrek: Because-- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king.Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.Shrek: He's not your true love.Fiona: And what do you know about true love?Shrek: Well, I-- Uh-- I mean--Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. [Chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.[Crowd Laughing]Farquaad: An ogre and a princess! [Laughing Continues]Fiona: Shrek, is this true?Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm!Fiona: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.[Whimpers][Crowd Gasping]Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a

lot.Farquaad: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!Fiona: No, no! Shrek!Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?Fiona: No, let go of me, Shrek!Shrek: No!Farquaad: Don't just stand there, you morons.Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!Farquaad: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!Fiona: No! Shrek!Farquaad: And as for you, my wife,Shrek: Fiona!Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king![Whistles]Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-- Aaah! Aah!Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.[Dragon Roars]Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge![Belches]Donkey: [Donkey Laughs] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?[Cheering]Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek.Shrek: Uh, Fiona?Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I-- I love you.Fiona: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Fiona: I love you too.All: Aawww!Fiona: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [Echoing] [Echoing Continues] "Take love's true from. Take love's true form."Shrek: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?Fiona: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.Shrek: But you are beautiful.[Chuckles]Donkey: I was hoping would be a happy ending.[♪ I'm A Believer By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales. ♪All: Oy!Steve Harwell: ♪ Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. And not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. ♪Choir: ♪ Ohh-ahh. ♪Steve Harwell: ♪ I'm a believer I couldn't leaver her if I tried. ♪Gingy: God bless us, every one.Donkey: Come on, y'all! ♪ Then I saw her face. ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ Now I'm a believer. ♪ Listen! Not a trace. ♪ Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. ♪Mice: Ooh! Uh!Donkey: ♪ Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! ♪Smash Mouth: ♪ I'm a believer. ♪Donkey: ♪ I believe. I believe. I believe! ♪ [Hysterical Laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

[mememanufactorum]

Halo 3 quote starters

* FEEL FREE TO SHARE AS YOU PLEASE, NO CREDIT NEEDED. CHANGE PRONOUNS OR ANYTHING ELSE AS DESIRED.

-Arrival-

“They let me pick. Did I ever tell you that?”

“You know me. I did my research.”

“Like the others, you were strong and swift and brave. A natural leader.”

“You had something the others didn’t. Something nobody saw but me. Can you guess? Luck.”

“Was I wrong?”

“This ain’t good.”

“Damn, how far did he fall?”

“Stay sharp!”

“We’re not leaving him here.”

“Crazy fool. Why do you always jump? One of these days, you’re gonna land on something as stubborn as you are, and I don’t do bits and pieces.”

“Come on now. We’ve got enough to worry about without you two tryin’ to kill each other.”

“Were it so easy.”

“They must love the smell of hero.”

“They must love the smell of badass.”

“I’ve gotta get paid too!”

-Sierra 117-

“As for you, just try not to wreck my planet.”

“Come on, I’ll lead you out.”

“You are fools to do their bidding.”

“I hate it when I’m right.”

“Kiss my ass.”

“Could you sacrifice me to complete your mission? Could you watch me die?”

“You want breakfast? You’ve gotta catch it!”

“See how they bait their trap? I will help you spring it.”

“This isn’t as fun as it looks.”

“We’re even, as long as we’re only countin’ today.”

“The world won’t save itself.”

-Crow’s Nest-

“We’re gonna be alright!”

“Hell! Not again!”

“Your destruction is the will of the gods. And I? I am their instrument.”

“Cocky bastard just loves to run his mouth.”

“Does he usually mention me?”

“Give the order. We’re closing shop.”

“We’re about to get hit.”

“The wounded. We’re getting them all out.”

“Who would’ve thought we’d have this many wounded?”

“We knew they’d find us eventually, but we have a plan. Let’s make it happen.”

“How’d they find us?”

“Hey, bite me. I’m sick of hiding anyway.”

“Calm before the storm. Enjoy it.”

“If we don’t get there quick, they’re gonna get rolled.”

“Wipe those bastards off the deck!”

“You might wanna put that out.”

“We both know what they do to prisoners.”

“You have been called upon to serve.”

“These are whelps, not warriors!”

“We did all we could.”

“There will be a great deal of hardship on the road ahead.”

“This place will become your home.”

“This place will become your tomb.”

-Tsavo Highway-

“I’ve got a broken rib…”

“Hey. You wanna bleed out?”

“I’ve got to keep pressure on the wound.”

“Did we get everyone out?”

“You think you can stand?”

“Best thing now? Get some distance between us and the base.”

“I’m sure they’ll be plenty happy to see you.”

“Look at the size of that thing! I wonder how old it is?”

“We will take our city back, and drive our enemy into the grave they’ve been so happily digging.”

“One final effort is all that remains.”

-The Storm-

“I have defied gods and demons.”

“I am your shield. I am your sword.”

“Somebody get me some morphine!”

“I thought we were the only ones left.”

“Only our enemies should fear this raging storm!”

“Darkened skies and lashing fire are all that shall remain for them when we, the worthy, have passed beyond.”

“I will not be shamed. Not again! Not by you!”

“This… Is the way the world ends.”

-Floodgate-

“Make short work of this abomination!”

“Rise up and I will kill you! Again and again!”

“I… I didn’t have a choice!”

“I did them a favor… Yeah, that’s it! I helped them!”

“Maybe… Maybe I need to help myself…”

“I fear you bring bad news.”

“Do not be afraid. I am peace… I am salvation.”

“I am a timeless chorus. Join your voices with mine and sing victory everlasting!”

“Wait. Leave her alone.”

“That will not be necessary.”

“It’s just a message.”

“We’ll remain here. Hold out as long as we can.”

“Did you not hear? Your world is doomed.”

“You barely survived a small contamination.”

“What we should do is understand – clearly – that this is humanity’s final stand – here.”

“We go, we risk everything – every last man, woman, and child!”

“If we stand our ground, we might just have a chance.”

“This is either the best decision you’ve ever made or the worst. Hell if it is? I doubt I’ll live long enough to find out which.”

-The Ark-

“That’s some view.”

“Enjoy it while you can. As soon as we land, we’re right back to it.”

“Keep your eyes and ears open. We need all the intel we can get… On wherever the hell we are.”

“Tidy bastards. Hope they never decide to clean us up.”

“It’s like they don’t even see us.”

“Oh, they see us. They just haven’t decided what to do with us yet.”

“I will certainly try my best, though I am unfamiliar with this facility.”

“Please, use caution! Avoid collateral damage!”

“Odd, for a door to require such brute force security protocols.”

“We must temper joy and sorrow in our hearts, for those who were left behind.”

“Find where the liar hides, so that I may put my boot between his gums!”

“It seems I’ve… Crossed a circuit.”

“Well, let me take a look.”

“Ow! Little bastard stung me!”

“I did not want you to come to any harm.”

“You’ve got a funny way of showing it.”

“Slothful runts. Kill them as they sleep.”

“All you seek is close at hand.”

“Can you tell me where we are, exactly?”

“Fight me! I’m right here!”

“You must win this fight on your own. Failure will bring a fate worse than death.”

-The Covenant-

“Brace yourselves, we’re goin’ in a little hot!”

“Calamity! If only we had more time!”

“It asked, and I answered. For a moment of safety, I loosed damnation upon the stars.”

“My faithful, stand firm!”

“Though our enemies crowd around us, we tread the blessed path!”

“That the best you got? Oh, come on. Impress me.”

“Stop, you imbecile! He wants you to kill him! I would prefer that you did not.”

“What’s the matter, big shot? Can’t start your own party?”

“I admit, I need your help. But that secret dies with all the rest.”

“Get out of here!”

“Not without you!”

“You delay the inevitable.”

“You cannot hope to kill them all.”

“Do it… Me, then you… Now!”

“Your forefathers wisely set aside their compassion. Steeled themselves for what needed to be done.”

“I see now why they left you behind.”

“You were weak… And gods must be strong.”

“Do not shoot, but listen!”

“Only you can stop what he has set into motion.”

“A final, bitter curse. Clear evidence of treachery long hidden!”

“The moment of salvation is at hand.”

“Lies for the weak. Beacons for the deluded.”

“My feet tread the path. I shall become a god!”

“You will be food. Nothing more.”

“And so, you must be silenced.”

“Now the gate has been unlatched, headstones pushed aside. Corpses shift and offer room – a fate you must abide!”

“We trade one villain for another.”

“I’m a thief. But I keep what I steal.”

-Cortana-

“Child of my enemy, why have you come? I offer no forgiveness. A father’s sins passed down to his son.”

“I tried to stay hidden, but there was no escape! He cornered me, wrapped me tight… And brought me close.”

“Of course, you came for her…”

“A collection of lies, that’s all I am! Stolen thoughts and memories!”

“Yet, perhaps a part of her… Remains?”

“I wanted to make you strong! Keep you safe! I’m sorry, I can’t…”

“May I speak with you please? What’s your name? It’s very nice to meet you!”

“You like games? So do I.”

“I’m just my mother’s shadow…”

“Don’t look at me! Don’t listen! I’m not who I used to be…”

“Time has taught me patience. But, basking in new freedom, I will know all that I possess!”

“I have walked the edge of the abyss. I have seen your future, and I have learned!”

“SUBMIT! End her torment and my own!”

“There will be no more sadness, no more anger, no more envy!”

“You will show me what she hides, or I will feast upon your bones!”

“You found me.”

“So much of me is wrong… Out of place… You might be too late.”

“You know me. When I make a promise…”

“I do know how to pick ‘em.”

“Lucky me.”

“Got an escape plan?”

“Thought I’d try shooting my way out. Mix things up a little.”

“Get me out of this place. I… I don’t want to stay.”

“Now, at last, I see! Her secret is revealed!”

“Wait, you two made nice? What have you been up to while I was gone…?”

-Halo-

“This is our fight, and I will see it finished.”

“It’s good to have you back.”

“How many of these have you found?”

“Did you think me defeated?!”

“Open the damn door!”

“You didn’t tell me he was here.”

“Well, we are finally doing what he wanted.”

“I have beaten fleets of thousands! Consumed a galaxy of flesh and mind and bone!”

“Open up! Coast is clear.”

“Do I take life or give it? Who is victim, and who is foe?”

“I’m not gonna lose her too.”

“We don’t have a few more days.”

“Deal with it.”

“Unacceptable! Unacceptable! Absolutely unacceptable!”

“Protocol dictates action! I see now that helping you was wrong!”

“I take no pleasure in doing what must be done.”

“I have kept it safe! It belongs to me!”

“Kick his ass.”

“My eye! Do you mean to blind me?!”

“Stop now, before one of us gets hurt!”

“Accept your legacy!”

“Think of your forefathers!”

“I’m getting you out of here.”

“Don’t let her go. Don’t ever let her go.”

“Send me out with a bang.”

“I am sorry, but come.”

“Well, that sucks. But come.”

“Resignation is my virtue. Like water, I ebb and flow… Defeat is simply the addition of time to a sentence I never deserved… But you imposed.”

“The jerk store called, and they’re all outta you!”

“If we don’t make it…”

“We’ll make it.”

“...It’s been an honor serving with you.”

-Epilogue-

“For us, the storm has passed. The war is over. But let us never forget those who journeyed into the howling dark and did not return.”

“Their decision required courage beyond measure, sacrifice, and unshakable conviction that their fight… Our fight… Was elsewhere.”

“They ennobled all of us, and they shall not be forgotten.”

“I remember how this war started, what your kind did to mine. I can’t forgive you, but… You have my thanks, for sticking by him until the end.”

“Hard to believe he’s dead.”

“I would like to see our own world, to know that it is safe.”

“I thought I’d lost you, too.”

“What happened?”

“Well… Some of us made it.”

“It’s finished.”

“It’ll be a while before anyone finds us. Years, even.”

“I’ll miss you.”

“Wake me when you need me.”

[mistersandmangivemeadream]

W is for War

Intro: It was a simple request. This is longer than my usual, but it’s a pair I’m (amongst many others) acutely fond of. Sirius and Lupin were not given nearly enough justice by their original writer. I hope to give them both more hope and justice in the ways which I can. 

Obviously, we are in the world in which Black did not die. It is a couple years later, around when Harry and Ginny are engaged with their wedding on the horizon. 

There will be a second part to this eventually. 

The title of the piece is a harken back to ‘M is for Magic’ by Neil Gaiman, a collection of short stories, who in turn got that from a collection of short stories by one of his favorite authors 

Read This on Ao3 

CW: death & war imagery 

“What’s going on?”

A man looks up with eyes flaming like Gabriel’s sword at the Garden Gate of Eden. Perhaps a touch damper than that, but no one has been close enough to the angel to really tell if they too cry with the look of half annoyance and half on the verge of something else entirely unrecorded by men. 

“I have to find it.”

The friend, very much confused as to what they have walked into, asks, “Find what?” Trapezes step by careful step over record sleeves that are scattered haphazardly around Sirius. 

“Their song, Remus. Their damned song. I...” the air deflating quickly out of the man as he leans  back onto his haunches though there are no balloons in sight. Tears begin to burn traitorously at the edges of his eyes as he angrily wipes them away with a sleeve. No need for those here if they aren’t going to be helpful in finding anything. “I found the record they played at their wedding…. that night...it just...needed some cleaning up...I kept it all these years” Gesturing to a plain gramophone on a hutch. “And now I can’t find it....I can’t...” Hands travel over these case-less records as if it’ll repair whatever is cracking. 

Their sleeves forgotten. 

Remus sinks to his aching knees, that have nothing to do with the cold or incoming storm front, to help. We’ve all felt them before, if you were to go pray right now you’ll feel it again even.  

Floorboards creak. The wind moans. Wordlessly they search to and fro for 15 minutes or so. Brows furrowed and more and more desperate as minutes tick on by. They search under couches. In old bookshelves. Found things in the curtains that bite. Sirius suckles at his injured  thumb as he bashes in some crushed velvet with a ferocity usually reserved for fiercer adversaries than decorative throw pillows. 

Surprise of all surprises, as is usually the case when one is looking for anything that is lost, they find it resting in the back of the hutch the record player is on- where Sirius swears he had looked when he first began. It is untouched by time or hardship, dusty yet perfectly serviceable for their purposes. 

The hair of a dog-man happy cries while he rushes around like a little boy asking for Lupin to, “turn it on, turn it on” as he exuberantly throws open the curtains. His dear friend smiles as he puts on the pin. 

He looks 10 years younger and quite a bit more rakish as he puts out a hand. 

“Dance with me, Moony.

It’s something your grandparents danced to.That your parents scoffed at as children till they too followed in their steps.Do all love songs work this way? 

The bouncing around and stepping on toes and then hitting the slow songs. Spreading apart slowly like that new thing is fresh strawberry jam. Sticky and sweet and new and familiar. Sirius ignores the dry mouth that accompanies the closeness of his friend. He smells like cloves. 

Waving to the record player which has begun to play Lily & James’ first dance, he moves over with sudden interest to observe the fat droplets that have begun to hit the window pane.Leaving a couple meters between the men. Lupin’s fingers twitch like Padfoot has always been his phantom limb. Be a little more outrageous of an idea if Remus couldn’t feel the ache returning. This time isn’t wasn’t just in his knees , it spread out in a particularly prickly way outwards from his chest, as it began to rain. 

“I wanted to find it for Ginny and Harry’s wedding.” Sirius now grins back at Lupin who must nod away like a good friend does, “you think they’ll disown us if we recreate that night at Lily & James’s wedding? I don’t remember anything past you getting me outta James’ dear Aunt Barges’ claws.”Catching sight of his friend's expression that looks less than affable, the bark of a laugh dies in his throat. The silence becomes damning. 

“You alright, Moony?” 

Exasperation like he has never heard before from that mouth. Sounds like disappointment, but not the kind for putting his hand into the tin before supper or about his tastes in sock-wear. Something burns brightly in those eyes that look back at him. “Why must you always do that?”

Confusion clouds his face as he watches the werewolf stride over to the gramophone. “Do wha-”

“Do not dare insult me Sirius John Black-”  as he raises the pin off the record the music dramatically stops. As he yanks it off, Sirius yells. 

“REMUS DON’T-.” 

The man pauses to look at Sirius. Just looks for an undetermined amount of time enough to make his friend’s skin crawl with apprehension. He grabs the sleeve and gently slides it back in, “Do you trust me so little, Black?” 

That stings. “I….we just found it didn’t….” There are no excuses, none that matter, that the last time he had trust it’d died in a place called Godric’s Hollow. He had been running like hell was on his heel ever since. 

Boys don’t come home from war; the men do. But even the trenches had radios. 

Remus becomes as intrigued by the rain as Black had been earlier. Record still in hand, the grey slate a metaphor. Dull ticking of a clock a reminder about things lately borrowed. The room breathes as Lupin regains a composure he is most known for. As his thoughts start collecting again in an orderly manner, he speaks without reserve though it lacks heart, “I waited for you to not be dead.You were all that was left out of all we had lost. And I thought I loved you because you came back when no one else could. But that’s not true- ” 

There are tears in those eyes, “I’m lonely too.” 

There’s the ugly thing now like a croaking frog that leapt out of his mouth. “What was I before the moon? Before the war?” There is no time to explain. 

“I don’t know.” 

The Irish trip into their graves.  

Do the English dance into them? 

The man looks down at the piece of memorabilia. 

“I miss them.” Then he rests it down back on the hutch like a babe laid to rest peacefully. Harry will one day play it for his child .This hope is like poppies as his hand rubs mindlessly at his chest where his heart should be if he hadn’t vomited it onto the carpet already at Black’s feet but a moment prior. “But I would miss you more now for knowing you.” Sirius’ tongue is mud. Thick and useless, unlike the strawberry jam sensation earlier it has an iron tang that is fast to fill the mouth.Can’t breathe for all the space in Grimmauld Place the lot of them. They’ve forgotten how.

There’s ringing in Black’s ears, his skin buzzes the same as whatever lives in the curtains, and Azkaban rattles in his chest like somebody is about to kiss him. 

“Why do you always do that?”

“What?”

There is no memory of how Sirius got across the room so fast. 

“Wait for me” 

That kiss hurts. The second less so. The teeth clicking in unfamiliarity does much to make the library once more into a sanctuary,  as they both come up air grinning and laughing like the fools they are. Not quite yet sure how to proceed, Sirius for once in his well endowed life discovers himself nervous at the foot of a lover. 

We- and Lupin- shall call that poetic justice. 

Pushing a lock of hair behind Black’s ear who has yet to come to terms with having butterflies at his age. Do they need cages? Can they live off fish and chips? “What is it?” Remus asked a crease furrowing his brow. 

“Oh I was just wondering if butterfli-” he waves a hand, “-nevermind. We need suits, you know?”

Remus’ eyes glitter in good humor, “Oh do we now?” 

“Of course for my Godson’s wedding. Unless you are telling me you’ve retained your boyish..form all these years?” The look goes to Remus’ gut. It is one he has seen half a dozen times….at other women...at other men. Sirius adjusts a lapel that need not be adjusted in his personal opinion. “I’m afraid it has seen better days.” Lupin tries to half-joke, not thinking about scars, fresh and not, underneath. “What about yourself-” He pretends to look around Black, “where do you hide all those pints?” 

Scandalized and incredulous Sirius exclaims hand on chest, “I’m offended. They went straight to my fine derriere. Thank you kindly, Professor.” 

An eyeroll most impeccable which had been under reservation for Sirus John Black since they’d been 11 he stated plainly, “Moony, you know I don’t teach anymore…”

Padfoot wouldn’t let Moony get away with anything, “I’m sure you could teach this old dog a few new tricks.” 

The wink; His friend was back. The taste of him in his mouth still new he watched as Sirius went to snatch a jacket off the back of a chair. “Come on, luv.”

So he followed after. 

[ladyshandioftheendless]

~Gn’R AU writings 6~

New update! Now with 50% more Izzy~ I’d like to thank this picture for inspiring me~ This is not a happy one..but I hope you enjoy anyway. <3

~Shandi

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~HIGH SCHOOL AU Part 6~

Special Guest: Izzy Stradlin

Summary: Axl reaches a breaking point. (told from Axl’s POV)

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Tag list!: @awrestlinggirlwholoves80sbands @slashscowboyboots

I stay in my room for the rest of the night. I really wanna call Slash but the phone’s downstairs..and I really don’t wanna deal with a million questions from the old man. I change and go to bed. As bad as today was, tomorrow’s gonna be even worse. 

I don’t wanna fucking go to church again..but it’s not like I have a choice. As usual the old man wakes me, my sister and my brother up at the ass crack of dawn to get ready. We have to sing to today’s service. Singing’s always been a good outlet for me. That’s the one thing I’m grateful to all this church shit for. I’m hoping one day I’ll get discovered somewhere and get signed so I can get the fuck away from this life. 

Thankfully singing makes the service pass by quicker. But I still can’t wait to change and go home so I can call Slash. After all this shit I’m definitely gonna need some time out of the house. Of course the old man has to keep us all waiting by talking to the Priest longer than necessary. I stand next to mom with my arms crossed and a clearly annoyed expression. Out of habit I start tapping my foot. Unfortunately for me the old man hears it before mom can stop me, and it doesn’t make him happy. Fuck. I’m gonna get it when we get home. 

As soon as we’re through the door I get smacked. I don’t fall over but it’s hard enough to send me staggering. “What have I told you about embarrassing me, Billy?!” I just scoff and rub my cheek. “So me having emotions is embarrassing to you now? I was impatient. Big fuckin’ deal! Nobody’s gonna remember what I did..except you!” 

“LIKE HELL THEY DON’T!!” 

His next hit sends me straight to the floor. When Amy starts crying mom picks her up and carries her upstairs. My brother follows her. He never involves himself willingly. Fuckin’ pathetic that my little sister is braver than him. The old man grabs my hair. “You know what he told me? That he saw you gettin’ into some boy’s car Friday night. That’s how rumors get started. I don’t want anybody thinkin’ the wrong things about you..cause then it comes back on me! You understand?!” 

“Yeah, who gives a shit about what I want right?! It’s always about you!! Can’t have people saying you’ve got a fag for a son!!” 

“MAYBE IT’S TIME TO DISCIPLINE YOU AGAIN, BOY!!” 

Me and my big fuckin’ mouth. I should know what the punishment is for backtalk by now.  

It’s dark when I open my eyes again. I’m not even in my room. Guess the old man kept mom from bringing me upstairs this time. Fuckin’ asshole. I need to get outta here. I wanna call Slash..but I can’t go to him lookin’ like this. I don’t need his family asking questions. Fortunately there’s somebody else I can call. I grab my jacket and leave. I don’t give a fuck if I’m still wearin’ my suit. I don’t have to strength to go up the stairs to my room to change. 

Once I find a payphone I take the piece of paper out of my pocket and dial. The line rings a few times before it’s picked up.

“Yeah?” 

“Izzy..?”

“Who the fuck is this?” 

“It’s Axl.”

“Oh..sorry sweetheart. Didn’t expect to ever hear from ya again honestly. Somethin’ wrong? You sound weird.” 

Yeah. Probably from being punched in the throat. “You remember..where we first met don’t you..?” 

“Yeah..” 

“I’m at a payphone at the end of the street. Pick me up?”

“Uh..sure. I’ll be there in a few.” 

“Thanks..” 

I stay in the phone booth and wait until I see Izzy pull up. Then I pull my hood over my head and get into his car. “Long time no see, stranger..” 

“Wasn’t that long.”

“Felt like it.

“Aww..did you miss me? I’m touched~” 

“Shouldn’t I be the one doing the touching?” 

He laughs. “I think we can figure that out when we get back to my place~” 

I dunno what the hell is wrong with my mind sometimes. ‘Your old man beat the shit out of you? Just have someone fuck your brains out! That’ll make it better!’ I’m so fuckin’ screwed up..

Izzy doesn’t bother turning the lights back on once he closes his door behind us. He puts his hands right on me. Guess he wants to get down to business~ I’m all for it until he touches a particularly sore spot on my side and I groan. He immediately stops. “That..didn’t sound like pleasure to me. Did I hurt you..?” 

“N-no..keep going..” 

I should’ve known I couldn’t fool him. He just touched the same place harder and I keel over. “F-fuck..don’t do that..!!” 

“Don’t try to bullshit me, sweetheart. I know when someone’s hurt. You gonna tell me how?” 

I don’t answer. How can I?

“I assume that’s why you called me. To get away from the person who hurt you. It’s fine. I’ve been a refuge before.” 

I can’t deal with it anymore. I break down. I didn’t wanna do this in front of someone I barely know..but this isn’t new to Izzy. He won’t judge me. “I...I’m sorry..I didn’t wanna.. ...” 

“Didn’t I say it was fine? I meant it.” 

His hands grip my shoulders and he pulls me close. I bury my face in his chest and cry. He’s warm and he smells like cigarette smoke. It’s comforting. So much better than lying fucked up on my living room floor.

To be Continued!!

[cum-a-calla]

Prompt for 2017 pennywise in the rain? Pretty please?

(the prompt sort of took me on an adventure, thank you, thank you so much darlin.)

In the steady downpour, the midway is a treat. There are barely lines, and most of them are for the thrill rides, the rollercoasters. In the interesting little booths, with sly people wearing sly smiles as you walk past, you feel the most excitement. The air is thick with grease and sweet, damp straw, cotton candy and cigarette smoke. It filters through the rain and makes you dizzy, a scent transcending time. 

It's a carnival, and a big one. Tents are set up beyond the games and stands, showcasing all manner of treats and salves and costume jewelry, toys and curio. A woman goes by on a unicycle, baton in hand, and winks at you as you pass. A few men on horseback smile, having seen the exchange, and tip their hats at you as a gesture of luck, should you pursue. The nip of the breeze gives you an excuse for the flush on your cheeks, up your throat.

"Flowers for you, pretty thing."

Before there's a face to the voice, there are long, graceful fingers wrapped around a small assortment of wildflowers. The man holding them to you is long, towering over you with a polite smile. He has eyes bright as the summer sky, clear but for the barest glint of mischief. Full lips perk into a smile and he runs a hand through soaked, dark hair, glossy in the rainwater.

"Thank you!"

"Would you mind?" He steps back and, in a flourish, a small deck of cards is produced from his sleeve, spilling into the cage of his fingers smooth as silk. He shuffles them a few times, taps the top of the deck with his knuckle. 

You pull the top card and laugh at his wild-eyed expression at the reveal, his showmanship charming, disarming. 

"The fool," he intones with a wink. "You make us all fools with a face like that, tiny thing, now, don't you?"

The rain pours over the both of you and soaks his thin shirt, beads over his knuckles and drips off the tip of his nose. His bottom lip catches between his teeth, just for a moment, and they're sharp. 

"I... thank you," you breathe.

"Could eat you right up," he continues, voice wavering a little as he steps even closer. The midway is quiet. The bustling sounds around you seem distant, they seem gone, as if every carnival-goer and every employee has hushed into silence for the two of you. "I could. I could swallow you, and I bet... oh, I bet you taste as good as you look."

The rain tracks over his face, and it... drips. The color melts away, stains into the dirty white of his shirt. He wipes at his forehead and underneath, the skin cracks and pales. The flowers in your hand are brittle, dried and long past dead. They crumble as your fingers shake. 

"You're makin' me a fool," he giggles. That giggle drags on, deep, resonating in your ribcage as it bubbles up his throat. “Can I taste you? Will you let an old fool taste you?”

No.

“Yes, please.” The words come and so do his hands, huge on your hips. They pull you into a tent, a huge, empty tent that seems bigger on the inside than it really is from the outside. In the center, there’s a stage. It’s scuffed and stained, red so ingrained into the surface that it makes you afraid, unease pulsing through your head until it’s hard to hear past the blood rushing in your ears.

His ruined face grins up at you with cannibal teeth, with tufts of his slick, dark hair bursting orange. He barely looks human. His eyes roll back and they’re red, they’re glassy and bleeding and while you stare into those sunbursts of delicate veins and capillaries, he rips your jeans down your hips. He doesn’t bother with the button, opting instead to yank like an animal until they’re flung across the floor.

Empty risers stare down at you, seats without bodies, no audience but the firm tap of rain hitting the circus tent, and this man, this thing, spreads your legs open on the edge of the stage.

“Soft. Always so soft, pink and plush and wet.” He stares so intently at you that you have to look away, stare up at the makeshift ceiling. He kisses you at the apex of your cunt, open-mouthed, so tenderly that it steals a moan from your throat. He hums and laughs so low that you can feel it inside of your body more than you can hear it.

A soft kiss turns into more, and the sounds his tongue make as he laps at your cunt are obscene. It fills the entire stand, makes you squirm against his grip, but he is immovable. He’s ravenous. He eats your pussy and moans as though he’s never had the pleasure, like he can’t get enough of the taste of your flesh, and for a delirious moment in the throbbing fog of your mind, you wonder if he might not eat you whole after all. Unhinge his jaws, that ruined face splitting down the sides of his generous cheekbones, lips stretched thin and taut and ripping apart to allow him to yank you into the tight confines of his throat. The sensation crawls up your legs and thighs as though your thoughts bleed into the atmosphere, the feeling of slippery, clenching muscle taking you deeper and deeper and deeper –

Back to whatever layer of reality your current situation is, the clown’s teeth elongate, brushing the tender little folds of flesh. It’s not wholly unwelcome; the little nips, the little hint of sting and sharpness is a welcome rush of adrenaline to match your morbid fantasy of being half-swallowed by It. It.

Release comes swiftly, a knot that comes undone with such violence that you have to bite the fleshy pad of your thumb to silence yourself. Long fingers pump into your cunt, spurred by your bucking and writhing and whimpering, your teeth digging into your own flesh until you can feel tendon straining underneath the skin. The clown laughs breathlessly as he works at you, tongue and lips and fingertips, buried between your thighs, and all you can do is knot your fingers into the coarse orange hair that has no trace of brown, rooted in flesh that isn’t a real color. It’s beyond white, it’s a bright void in which the shade just won’t settle in your vision. Nonflesh.

Lying back on the stage, you watch him rise at the edge of your field of vision. He wipes his mouth and you’re too afraid to look. What if he’s still melting, your cum shining on his chin along with his own skin, his blood and tears and sweat, what if those ragged gashes are still decorating what’s left of his face? What if he’s ghoulish and rotten?

He leans over to offer his hand, crisp white and cleanly gloved.

Brown hair, full lips, a scar on his cheek so light it may be imagined. His cheeks are flushed underneath bright blue eyes, only a hint of the form you saw before. He smirks and winks as he pulls you up, helping you to grab your pants and turning politely away so you can redress.

He escorts you to a flap in the tent with his hand on the low of your back, towering over you, and before you can wander away, he takes your shoulder. His grip is iron, and then… it isn’t. He’s soft, sweet, handsome. Underneath, something screams at you to leave, that you got lucky, that he may not keep a mind to let you go so easy.

“Hey,” he whispers, opening your palm as if to read it. With his other hand, he reaches behind your head and snaps his fingers. The sound is like a gunshot, and the way you jump makes him laugh. From behind your hair, he pulls around a white ribbon with a bright red balloon at the end. He presses the ribbon into your palm and closes your fingers around it. When he winks at you again, one of his eyes strays, pulsing that horrible gold-orange, and you take a few steps back. “Come on back to the circus, now, you hear?”

“’Scuse me?" Somebody behind you startles you again, yanking your attention away from the balloon and the man so you're circling around to face somebody new. "Hey – hey, you’re not allowed to be around here, we’re closing up. How’d we miss ya back here?”

A man in a cheap uniform approaches you, looking a little confused, umbrella in hand.

“Oh… oh, I must’ve… lost track of time. The clown, and all,” you mutter, waving your hand behind you. “Got a little turned around, he took me into the tent for a… a magic trick.”

“Yeah, don’t know about that. No clowns for years; it’s bad for business. Nobody likes clowns much these days. This tent’s under construction, it’s a hazard – see the signs? The tape? You best follow me outta here, it's not safe back here."

It’s almost tempting to take his words at face value and blindly follow him as he turns around to guide you, speaking into a walkie and waving across the fields at a couple other employees doing the rounds. Almost.

Behind you, the tent is damaged. Tape surrounds the perimeter and closes off the entrances, huge, gaping holes in the top causing much of the structure to collapse and leak and mold. 

The man – the clown – is gone.