#can i train with scratches
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astrid doing hiccups hair while heather is behind astrid doing astrids hair and dagur is behind heather doing her hair…….
Omg I haven’t drawn this many people actually interacting in one drawing in forever…
But it was so fun
#hiccup looks so tiny#but I suppose that’s the price of giving everyone else muscle#most likely would have drawn heather closer to hiccup’s height#but she just kinda went with the flow of things after Astrid…#and toothless is here because I don’t separate him and hiccup#your honor they’re attached at the hip#the best of brothers right there#and hiccup can give him little scratches so that his hands have smth to do too#okay I’m done talking down here#hiccup#hiccup haddock#hiccup horrendous haddock iii#astrid#astrid hofferson#toothless#httyd#how to train your dragon#doodle#heather the unhinged#Dagur#dagur the deranged
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I started reading beastars so now HE's reading beastars .wait
THEY'RE reading beastars
#nobody gets a prize for correctly guessing which character yakumo relates to most#when the anime first came out and everybody hopped on the hype train#i scratched my chin thoughtfully and wondered.... would i like this? it seems like i would like this. should i watch it?#and all my friends around me said 'nah you'll probably hate it. it's really sad'#so i trusted them and ignored beastars the whole time. until now. when i saw the entire series at my LOCAL LIBRARY!!!!#so of course the curiosity wins out and i start reading it and i REALLY LIKE IT?? WTF WERE MY FRIENDS ON ABOUT?#this is sad yes but most of the time it's FUNNY? and also ANIMALS R COOL? bruh. i can't trust my friends' opinions of me anymore#anyway. due to the nature of my current nuca fixation timing. i kept thinking of it while reading#drawing parallels that may only exist in my mind LOL#i can imagine yaku being a freak over legoshi and his quest to become strong but not falling to his instincts and etc.etc.#yakugaru having a manga reading session in either o their bedrooms... lying on the floor engrossed in beastly tales...#these two would absolutely have a debate about which chara is most similar to eiden#to yaku it is obvs haru but i feel like garu would see eiden in a less.... prey sort of way#or maybe they'd agree on the haru comparison!! but yaku might hesitate to voice the 'mr eiden... has to be protected...' thoughts#and garu would proudly proclaim how eiden and haru share traits like bravery/outgoingness/super cool and go-getter/wise and worldly???#i kept staring down louis like.... you're some mix of dante and edmond... and something else....#UGH i like all the characters... they all have their charms.... they are all such creatures#honestly yahya the entire time was just relatable content and after seeing the way he lived out the rest of his life *chef's kiss* GOALS#nu carnival yakumo#nu carnival garu
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wonderful
#there is a ranboo that goes withthis but i didn't like how he was looking imma restart from scratch tmrw😭😭#ctubbo#michael beloved#ctubbo fanart#Guys you have no idea what i went through today like it wa fucking crazy i need to share this#so i went to the mall after school right and im going home at like 8 on the train with my friend bc i was supposed to be picked up ay her#stop right but then im told to just go to my stop and take the bus and im like ok sure but the problem is my phone is on SEVEN PERCENT and w#hen i get to the stop my moms like u have money for the bus right and im like ueah and i check and i have NO MONEY#BUT I DIDNT TELL HER ANUTHING BC I DIDNT WANT HER TI GET MAD BC I KNEW SHE WOUDKNT WANT ME TO WALK ALL THE WAY HOME AT NIGHT (FOURTY BLOCKS#So im like ok im getting on the bus now my phone is on four percent i have to WALK HOME allll that way and there's this crazy ass upward hi#ll that's like ten blocks long ITS NOT EVEN THAT BAD but like my mom thinks im on the bus so im trying to speed walk as fast as i can and i#RAWDOGGED it too because MU PHONE WAS GOING TO IDE!!!!#I made it home at two percent U guys i was so proud of myself thank u for listening#IM SO MAD IT WOUKDVE BEEN OKAY IF I WASNT IN A RUSH And also if i had music uggghhh Whatever#I bought this really cute skirt at garage hold on let me find it#lexi pleated skort color Navy blue ITS SOOOO CUTE got some new leg warmers too yesss....#I NEED TO DOWNLOAD THE TRANSIT APP i woukdve been able to attach my apple pay and buy the stupid ticket if my phonewasnnt#too dead to do al that...#Guys always make sure u carry cash with yiu goodbye
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I just remembered I can do whatever the fuck i want forever and ever. here's a bunch of miscellaneous drawings or whatever.
these two are just my general hc that when Ingo gets eeby deebied, Emmet takes over the singles line as well on alternating days and wears one of Ingos bajillion coats on single line days.
these three are from the other night of talking with my boytoy. we were talking about how Ingo and Emmet can probably perfectly(to untrained ears) imitate train horns and whistles. then we were talking about Ingo and his Big Feelings at a wedding and how he'd be sobbing in the corner the whole time. I like gogo a lot and his sobbing train noises
boytoy ate raw spaghetti. was bemmet type behavior. plus the starer.
the last two are because I think for the years Ingo is gone Emmet has been stretching himself thin running the station trying to juggle what both he and his brother would be doing and it leaves him EXGHAUSTED. When Ingo comes back and gets into the groove of things and he's able to even slightly relax, it hits him like a truck and he finds himself genuinely incapable of doing the tasks he needs to do. Gear Station is surprisingly more hectic for the first handful of weeks Ingo is back because Emmet isn't doing his duties. neat to me.
full doodle page btw.
#if you saw this in the sbms server. no you didn't. act surprised.#spenxer lou art#lou is an artist#scratches my head. uhmmm. what else can I say#! the other notes about their train mimicry. Emmet can technically do them more correctly than Ingo. though nobody notices bc they r autisi#Ingo can do a perfect chugga chugga though. He also sounds exactly like a train when he's asleep. even better than emmet. only sleeping tho#emmet's breathing when he's asleep also sounds like chugga chugging. they are a train when asleep#they also have their own train calls. It's eachother names. Emmet's name has a harsher stop at the end and Ingo's has a hitch in it#sometimes if they find other people in the tunnels at night they terrorize people by making “ghost trains” where they just make train noise#they also did this when they were younger before they started working there. leading to rumors of it being haunted#I don't even like Ingo and Emmet I don't even care. can someone run them over#submas#subway boss ingo#subway boss emmet#subway bosses#subway master emmet#subway master ingo#ingo and emmet#subway master kudari#subway master nobori#whatever. who even care. tags are fine#man. I should really try finishing drawings sometime actually. I don't think I've finished something since like. last year. o1 wild#also hiii hi boytoy I know you'll see this. hiiiii pookiepie
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Here lies Namor. Invader. Avenger. International Terrorist. - Namor (2024) #1
I am Namor. The Terrorist Propaganda says I have issues. Don't trust the Terrorist Propaganda. - Bucky Barnes: Winter Solider (2014) #1
You know what annoys me about Aaron's writing, where is Defender? Namor is part of and actually is the instigator in creating Marvel's The Defenders, the first trio called Titians Three consisted of him recruiting Hulk & Silver Surfer to aid him in stopping humans from hurting the Natural World in The Sub-Mariner (1968) #34. This would later spin out into Doctor Strange recruiting Namor, Silver Surfer, Hulk, and later joining them Valkyrie for the main and first wave of The Defenders. A team made up of outsiders who defended the world from supernatural threats. Namor is literally a founding member of (in my very strong opinion) the best modern team he's ever been on.
Yes, he's Namor the Avenging Son, but he was only ever called Terrorist by his enemies. Namor wouldn't think of himself in that way, he'd call himself a Defender, a Protector of his people, of the seas, his home. If Aaron means Invader as in he was part of the Invaders team then that also is a defense because he and the Invaders were fighting in WWll.
Namor knows the humans see him as a threat and for the most part he doesn't care if they label him as a monster because he's always had this strong belief of defending his home and people, he worked past his hatred of humans to help them all the way back in the golden age, but time and time again the humans do something that he has to respond to.
If you ask me for 2 panels to understand Namor in a nutshell then it would have to be;
The Defenders (1972) #53
Sub-Mariner (2007) #4
He's actually so easy to understand if people actually took the time to read his freaking comics. He's complex yeah, but that's what makes him so interesting as the first comic Anti-Hero!
Aaron focusing on Namor's outsider status isn't something new, it's been explored in his comics a lot of times. What really frustrated me was back in Avengers (2018) #9 Aaron had the chance to set up Namor to combat Captain America in terms of ideology of what is right and wrong, how is the defense of his homeland wrong? how is resistance against oil drillers, and poachers, and corporate greed, and polluters, and giant space robots falling and crushing his city and people wrong???
Human Laws have always been in favor of Humans, not the Atlanteans, not the Sea. Instead of exploring the concept of Namor being a Defender of his home and his people, Aaron constantly labels Namor a Terrorist. The he makes Namor want to atone for the wrongs he's done (never specifying exactly which ones, just a general "crimes against surface humanity") while never addressing or exploring the wrongs done to him by the humans/surface world!
Even now Aaron sets up Namor for conflict under the sea, and states it's for the best interest of the human world that their shipping lines and cruises be uninterrupted by the "shrieking blue skinned warriors who've invaded their coasts". Basically it's "We humans don't care if the Atlanteans are suffering so long as they suffer in silence and don't bother us or disrupt our money & lives".
Aaron writes in Avengers that Captain America offered aid to help the Atlanteans, but it's Namor who's rejected it, why would he accept help from the people who constantly hurt his people? Why would Namor ever trust them when they've broken his trust so many times in the past? Humans make promises and then break them all the time. Why should Namor ever accept the crumbs they deign to give him in return for obedience and silence so the humans can keep doing whatever they think is right? Why is the Surface World more moral and more right than the Undersea World? It's Namor's land, it's his home, they broke his laws, they broke his home, his people, his seas.
I've always said the biggest obstacle and mistake writers often encounter when writing Namor is they come at him from a very surface world mindset, where the humans are right and Namor isn't. Namor was never meant to be a champion of humans, but of the Atlanteans, the Seas, and all it's creatures.
I could not care less that you are breaking the Laws of Man. What you do here violates the Law of Namor. And thus you shall now endure Namor's Justice. - Defenders (2012) #1
Namor being seen as a Invader/Terrorist began back with his first fight against The Human Torch in Marvel Mystery Comics (1939) #8, Jim was championed as the Hero of Humanity, while Namor was labeled as Public Enemy No. 1. and even now 85+ years later Namor faces persecution for doing what he was raised to do all his life, be a king, be a protector of his people, take justice and vengeance for the wrongs done against his home and people.
Aaron wants to focus on Namor's outsider status of being born half human/half atlantean. He's already shown Namor being bullied and nearly killed as a child for being born different by his people, but that isn't anything new, that's been canon that Namor is an outsider among humans and atlanteans, it's canon that the Atlanteans are just as racist as the humans, but often they're framed as worse than the humans.
One comic reviewer questioned if Aaron is making statements about the current political climate but honestly anyone who reads Namor comics can see these themes, the tensions among atlanteans and humans, have always been there. What remains to be seen is if Aaron can actually deliver on some good writing.
#namor#namor mckenzie#namor the sub mariner#imp talks comics#jason aaron hate train#sorry to rant on and on but im not sorry bc i have THINGS TO SAY#aaron makes me want to scratch my eyes out#ik non rabid namor fans might think im insane for focusing so closely on every tiny detail and from a distance it doesnt look bad#but trust me when i say that in all the decades of namor being written this writer is stupid as fuck and cant handle the character#thats not me being a mean gatekeeper bc i usually try to find the good in the bad and can even enjoy brynes run for all the damage it did#bc he actually did keep namor in character and added another interesting level with the corporate angle
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i finally deleted twitter! it sucks that i’ve lost that little corner of the fandom, but it didn’t make sense to maintain once it was in musk’s hands, so this was long overdue. i will always credit the skam fandom that i found over there back in 2017 for shaping me as a writer, as well as for inspiring me to travel. i know it was considered a toxic place for the fandom even back then, but it was a platform i grew up with and could communicate on, which meant i connected with some very lovely people. i was devastated when my original account was suspended back in like, 2021? because i had lost a lot of early writing and some friends who had moved on to other fandoms at that point. but i tried to take screenshots of what i had left. a lot of my links to twitter won’t work now, either, but that’s what you get when you depend on someone else as an archival tool.
anyway, a couple of years ago i was thinking about even’s notebook and that became these tweets below the cut. my shorter ideas might end up here now, or on bluesky.
#where’s that community meme where she’s like i can excuse racism but not animal abuse or something#apparently i could tolerate musk’s fascism but i drew the line at AI#and it wasn’t even a line because it’s already too late#if you’re on twitter now#you’re feeding your work into generative AI training#and i don’t want to do that with my own thoughts or even screenshots of what julie created#but it’s super hard to delete an internet presence because it feels like that’s all that’s left of me#if i’m not on the internet then do i even exist#probably why i have so many rules for what i post#my way of controlling my existence in a world that is spinning out#anyway rip to all the fics that started as twitter threads#i wouldn’t have anything if i couldn’t scratch them out over there first#tumblr and bluesky and ao3 are mostly it now#i do have an instagram but meta is nearly as bad#ugh just email me#oof and i have to delete links in bios too#um i guess this is kerrywrites
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Crows Of The Commonwealth
I was on CrowTok and it made me come up with an idea.
So, obviously a lot of the crows in the Commonwealth are made by the Institute, though I personally like to believe that there are still a lot of crows that are regular ones, too.
Crows are an incredibly smart species of bird, which makes sense as to why they're the ones the Institute use. To my memory, I don't think there are any other birds in the game. Again, I'd like to headcanon that they're not the only ones left but if only a few species of birds managed to survive the bombs and the aftermath, I wouldn't put it past crows to be one of those species due to that intelligence.
Crows are known for recognising people, which also works in favour of the Institute as to why they'd choose them specifically. If you are able to tell the difference between individual crows, you'll be less likely to question if a specific one if following you if you are aware they likely recognise you.
However, they're also known to bring gifts and trinkets if treated right, or actually attack people who don't. And they remember faces. I don't get the impression that the Institute treats them too kindly if they don't even consider Gen 3 Synths as people, who are literally created with technology and human biology/DNA.
If we imagine that the Institute Crows work like Synths do, then that means that they are also able to become independent like Synths can. We know they have the level of intelligence, more so than another species of bird, to perhaps reach that level of independence. That's exactly why the Institute picked them. Wouldn't it be ironic if that became part of the Institute's downfall.
So imagine a Sole Survivor, fresh out of the Vault, scared and cold on their first few nights. Hungry, tired, likely sick, grieving. Alone. They have Dogmeat. They have themselves. A few strangers they saved. Nothing else.
They're trying their best one night to settle. They've only been unfrozen for a few days by now, but have yet to leave Sanctuary. They chose to stay for a couple days to prepare for their long journey ahead, and rebuild their home so they had somewhere to go back to. Preston has taught them basics self defence and survival, Sturges has helped them temporarily fix the holes in their walls. They're not close to these strangers yet, but there's a small comfort in knowing there's still people, and people nearby to run to if anything not friendly comes knocking on their door.
They're picking at a 200 year old box of stale cereal, not able to stomach the taste just yet. In the end, they end up leaving it in a bowl for Dogmeat to have, preferring to sleep, hunger be damned. They sleep on the floor that used to hold the dinning table, not ready to sleep in the now-too-empty bedrooms.
By morning, their sleep is interrupted. Not by the cold October air that their thin, makeshift blanket- That doubles as their coat during the day- barley keeps away. Not by the sunlight that seeps in by the broken shards of class where the window used to be. Not by drops of rain that fall through the cracks in the ceiling. Not even by Dogmeat licking then awake, like he did yesterday morning. This time it's the sound of pecking and squawking that has Sole prying their eyes open.
A small group of grows picking at the bowl of cereal. They must've gotten in through what once was the window, or literally any of the holes of missing metal panels scattered throughout the building. Sole barely has it in them to care. They know they shouldn't waste food that could've gone to them or their new furry friend, but they truly cannot bring it in them to mind. They wonder if the birds have a hard time finding food, too, and decide it might not be a waste at all.
They sit up. A few of the crows fly up onto the windowsill at their movements, one stays enjoying their breakfast, unfazed. Sole waits, sitting still until the birds realise they have no intention of harming them. They glide back down onto the floor, going back to eating.
After a few moments, the crow that stayed perks his head up, neck twitching into an angle that lets him look at Sole. He hops over, stopping just before he reaches their lap. Sole raises their hand, thumb and index finger moving slowly until they land on its neck. His feathers bristle under Sole's pets, his feet dancing happily beneath him. The other crows finish their breakfast. Salem, Sole decides to call him, joins his friends who hop back onto the windowsill. They fly off. He turns his head to the side, a beady eye looking at Sole again. He squawks at them before flying off to join the others.
Sole spends the rest of their day taking metal panels from some of the completely collapsed houses to fix the holes in their walls. They're able to find paint at the old Red Rocket down the road when looking for more equipped tools. Repainting isn't exactly their priority right now, just making sure the house will be fit to stand against the weather, and for when it gets colder in the next few months. The paint will be useful when they get to the stage of being able to consider making it look presentable, however. Unfortunately, the only paintbrush they find is snapped in half. They toss it in frustration. Less so because of the brush itself, and more so because Sole has a lot of anger built up from the events of the last few days that they have no other outlet for.
They end up going home when the sun starts to set, having avoided the empty tomb of memories for as long as possible. It wasn't safe to be out so close to dark.
When they set down their tolls by the door, something on the kitchen counter catches their eye.
Upon inspection, they realise it's an intact paintbrush.
Their confusion lasts barely five seconds, as they hear a familiar squawk. Hoping on the windowsill is Salem. His eyes study Sole. He's waiting. Sole smiles, pulling open the duffle bag they'd taken on their supply run. They pull out two wild mutfruits, which they'd harvested from bushes near the station. Sole cuts them into smaller pieces, before tossing them gently into the grass of their back garden from the car porch. Salem glides to the pieces, now satisfied in knowing that Sole approved of and appreciated his gift. Sole looks up to the trees that border their garden where other crows have started to also descend from to join in on the food offering. Apparently, there's a lot more in this group than what Sole had assumed from the smaller one earlier. About twenty feathered creatures dance about on branches decorated by orange and brown leaves or nibble at the mutfruit in the grass.
Salem flies over once he's had his fill, taking a seat on Sole's shoulder. His friends also begin hopping over gradually, and Sole ends up sitting down to welcome them and pet their small heads. Dogmeat also seems to love the attention, or perhaps just the warmth that radiates from Sole's body as he curls up next to them. Every so often, one of them drops a trinket into Sole's lap as they snuggle into them. A random screw, some gears, even some bottlecaps. Bits and bobs that a few days ago, Sole would've considered mostly junk, even if they'd still been appreciative, but everything now is useful. They even drop a few things by Dogmeat's snout, who sniffs them, tail wagging. Sole doesn't think Salem appreciates the happy licks Dogmeat gives him, though.
Regardless, Sole breathes out slowly, deeply, as they take in the sunset and birdsong before them. It's the first time they've honestly felt any peace since leaving that godforsaken Vault.
Sole makes a mental note to redesign the kitchen window when they get around to fixing it so that it'll be able to open widely. They also begin thinking about designs for birdhouses, feeders, and small fountains.
It's safe to say Sole feels slightly better than they did when they went to bed last night.
They feel less alone.
For some reason, as Salem nestles into their lap, against their stomach, a small pressure builds in their gut. They can't quite shake the instinct, the thought that comes with it. The feeling that Salem feels less alone now, too.
#Aka a story where Sole unintentionally befriends the Institute crows and teaches them actual love#To the point where they start to also rebel against their creators. Sole starts finding crows that have clawed out their own eyes#Or that have scratched chunks (Chips and cameras) out of their necks and turns Sanctuary into. Well. A Crow Sanctuary#Sole accidentally trains a crow army to be loyal to them#They start getting to the point where crows start being able to send messages like pigeons for the Minutemen and Railroad#Deacon hated the idea at first and when he found out Sole was basically housing Institute spies almost had a heart attack#Then he got on board when he realised the crows were also starting to runaway from the Institute#Salem likes to prank Deacon#They even steal Institute tech so their human friends can study it :)#Who needs to train Deathclaws when you have an army of birds that are already trained in spy work#And who you can use to find Synth agents because they recognise their faces and WILL attack them on sight#Who needs the Mysterious Stranger when every bird in the 'Wealth will swoop in to peck and claw at a raider's face when you're outnumbered#Sole being the King/Queen/Master of crows goes hard ngl#Their animal friend perk is maxed out. They DO also raise a baby Deathclaw just because they can#I might make a fic that includes this idea tbh because I love it#And I have been wanting to make a realistic fic about what it would be like for Sole. Especially in the early days.#Sole Survivor#Salem The Crow#Dogmeat#Deacon#Fallout#Fallout 4
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allister as an object show character... allister as an object show character... places them in your lap gently
#gym leader allister#allister pokemon#those tags still count i think#my art vro#they can wag their tail btw. if you even care#also if he closes their eyes. i imagine it just looks like the doodle on the side. weird thing#i think the little dark holes in allister's masks are dark/black because theres a layer of mesh. like a fursuit#and thats what this designs like eyes are on. the mesh. they are not floating i think#ignore the fact that allister's mask does not actually canonically have mesh. i know that. i just think it makes a lot more sense then the#canon answer just being 'oh yeah shadows obscure allisters eyes and mouth so thats why the holes are dark'. that is not how it works#scuff and scratch marks are inspired off of the fact that i imagine anyone who engages in pokemon battles has scratches and scars from bein#accidentally hit by moves. or just catching and training with their mons#object shows#i guess thats. there too#ok im done rambling#i like rambling in tumblr tags because its just. cleaner kinda and its nice :3 fun fun. i like this site
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this happened today
#i'm going to try not to be around much still because lol i've been very productive not being around#my life's a bit of a shambles tbh. i got attacked by my neighbor's dog four weeks ago and my car got stolen last week#but this is moving at a good clip which is something. i bet you can guess which band narrative it is a thinly veiled fictionalization of#today i got to 50k words and also noticed something that i feel like was a vote of confidence from on high#weeks ago had written in a reference to 'trouble in mind' by sam cooke as a song that the characters are inspired by#noticed TODAY the 'let the 2:10 train ease my troubled mind' lyric that was definitely the genesis of 'let the 4:19 scratch my back'
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mob psycho(logical horror) 100
#Chatterbomb#There are some terrifying concepts in there they should be stretched more#That comic reminded me of junji itos The Long Dream#I’ll have to do a rewatch and write some stuff down#The mental prison stuff? Terrifying 10/10#Shigeo in fabricated world for six months is terrifying but I feel like being trapped in a static environment that only gets longer even#Though real world time has barely passed and you are all alone and you can’t escape and you can’t change the environment besides clawing at#The walls#day and night don’t pass with the sun and moon but your body is aging anyway#Nothing changes and you are running out of resources.#How long until you accept no one will come and save you? How much are you willing to starve while waiting for someone who left?#What if the world that trapped you won’t let you die? Starving for centuries without a sign of life#Thinking at some point you must have escaped. Or was it a dream within a dream? Can that happen? How many times have you fallen asleep?#How many dreams deep are you already in?#WHAT IF HE STARTED ROTTING#what if he was living in his own dead body!!!!! Would that be fucked up or what!!!!!#Something about reigen sparks a desire to see him experience pain disconnected with reality#The dreams in train hell are only getting longer. None of them are peaceful. He can’t tell if his hair is greying from aging or how much th#Dreams take a toll on him. How much time has really passed? Can he even rely on how his body is changing? Is it truly time who is#Responsible? Or is it him? Or the train itself?#What if all they found of him was a dryed up body with a beating heart and pulsating brain. Laying limp and clothing scattered#If I really indulge myself the scratched out days. When looked at from farther away. Still marking the potential days reads#Abandon all hope#ye who enter here#Which yeah that’s stretching into being ridiculous but it would be cool TO ME#Dante’s inferno you are so silly and special to me#I got really autistic here but <3 big fan of horror huge fan of suffering <333#ALSO!! taking inspiration from “heck” short film but the days might be counted by “sleeps” as time cannot accurately be measured in a place#That defies universal law#Ok I think I’m done now ok I’m normal probably
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I’m going to start throwing up anyways I’m playing slightly looser with the grammar bc I’m translating a song and euphonics play a more important roll than normal and ALSO I CANT FIND ANY ATTESTATIONS FOR “TONIGHT”??????? so that’s just a WILD fucking guess based on “today”
anyways literally 3 lines of the first verse of a Lament for Boromir translated into Sindarin bc I am. mentally ill.
#ONLY THREE LINES. WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA.#(I didn’t) (I have autism) (besties help.)#lotr#whatever I’ll dump this in the tag so ppl can blacklist if so desired#this hit me like a fucking freight train I HAVENT THOUGJT ABT THIS FRANCHISE SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL.#why was I cursed with linguistics autism.#HYPEREMPATHY *AND* LINGUISTICS AUTISM. putting myself thru translation hell bc it scratches brain itch AND MAKING MYSELF SAD AT THE SAME#FUCKING TIME.
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This is Angel, from the shelter. Even though she is poorly at the moment and really shy, she helped me make a phone call.
#She likes ear scratches. Sitting on radiators and having an audience when she eats her dry food#Finally got back to the shelter today!!! Feels nice to be useful#We sat together and listened to a train documentary then she came over to say hi and revieve many pets and gentle scritches#A total cuddle monster when she finally warms up to someone. I can relate.
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elias has been so extra much on my brain lately ;n; there's no specific reason why but I have been particularly yearning for him tenfold the past week or so.... my sun incarnate... I just want to wrap my body around his as tight as possible and never have to part from him again... he's got me completely captivated again waaaa.....
#x. talk#x. gush#<< maybe?#💛💥#I CANNOT HELP THEEES..... I SIMPLY LOVE MY HUSBAND ....#he got a cute recolor in the new pattle pass this season n his quotes with it are so sweet :) <3#he's so excited to train all the new recruits and isn't letting what deimos has done kill his moral... headbutting him like a giant kitty#I get literal crumbs of blitz content and i go fucking crazy again </333 ubi knows they got me good with him </333#need to kiss and bite and scratch him everywhere like a frantic rabid animal till im normal again !!!!!!#my back is still aching like hell from the concert n all i can think about is his warm hands carefully rubbing away the pain ;--;
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GRRRRR I HATE IT HERE I HATE LIVING WITH MY DAD AND STEPMOM IT'S THE WORST!!!!! I AM FUCKING MISERABLE.
#weed screams#i just wanna snap and yell at them for traumatizing me. I'm so angry. I'm so pissed that I've had to deal with so much bullshit here#I've only been here a week after moving out of the apartment i shared with my brother and I'm already going insane again#i have to buy my own food despite there being plenty in the house. I'm not allowed to bring dishes to my room even for just a few minutes.#there's two large excitable not well trained dogs that bite and scratch me#the cats in the house have to hide in the basement all day (to avoid the dogs) and i feel so bad for them#i feel like im the only one who actually tries to relate to my stepsister. i feel bad knowing she has to stay here too.#my stepmom makes rules without TELLING ME. and then gets all bothered when i don't automatically pick up on em#and the wifi sucks shit so i can't play splatoon#i can't wait to move to New York i just have to wait a little bit longer#enduring the horrors once more till i can escape to the big city#this living situation is both infuriating and saddening. there is NO REASON to justify how stressful it is to be here.#like. when i moved out of this place the first time my mental health improved so suddenly my therapist said i didn't need to see him anymore#that's not a fucking coincidence. my stress and anxiety has a root source and it's this hellhole of a house.
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Can I just for a minute complain as someone dyslexic about how when I was young everyone would always be like "well look up the spelling in the dictionary"?
Just now, I go to type a word and I spell it something like "erevicobly", which is obviously wrong, but... no idea
Well, I throw it in the search engine* and find out it's irrevocably (didn't spell it right there either, but got it close enough spellcheck could fix it)
Now you might notice something here, which is if I'd looked it up in the dictionary, I wouldn't have found it, no matter how long and hard I searched, because I'd be looking under "er" not "ir"
So do you see why that advice made me mad as hell as a kid, and I stand by my feelings today?
*literally one of the few ways search engines are a blessing is being a really great way to find spellings
#like my typing is great with very few mistakes; but my spelling while mostly alright these days isn't great#cause like... literal diagnosed dyslexia since I was a tiny kid#and let me tell you; no matter the reason; people will shit on you so much for poor spelling (no matter the age too)#fucker; we speak english; everything you said was a lie#there's not (consistent) rhyme or reason to it; and sounding it out is terrible advice cause we've all got fucking accents#and sometimes even if you don't the word is fucking worcestershire and you're fucked#actually gets me a bit heated how many good teachers I had who still acted like this#I actually have many strong opinions on linguistics and teaching despite not being a linguist or a teacher#give me descriptivism or give me death#prescriptivism can burn in hell where it belongs#and one thing that technology has 100% made better (at least for me as a dyslexic adult) is being able to spell well and quickly#it's an aid and an accommodation to me; we just don't look at it like that#I literally can't even spell accommodation; but you get to see the right word there#I have a vast vocabulary... I just can't fucking spell half of it#so prespellcheck you just kind of... had my writing look a lot worse and be a lot harder to parse#the main thing that helped with my spelling wasn't school or anything... it was everquest#you want to be able to type to people and be understood; there's no spellscheck or anything... you work to get it right quickly#mmos are a great way to teach typing if you don't have voice chat#similarly it's actually thanks to tumblr that I'm a quick typist; zero formal training with it and sucked through my teens#was a quick chicken scratch typist... pretty fast; but I pecked#through typing a lot of messages and asks to people on here and wanting to do it quickly I stumbled on something pretty...#close to what I think they teach; though I'm pretty sure there's gotta be some differences#it's nothing formal for one thing; it's all muscle memory; the fingers go where they go#but I can type pretty fast and accurately with my eyes closed#and it's just cause... I wanted to say things to people and say it quickly#eh... I hope I kill myself soon#... it seems out of nowhere; but that's just how my brain works; this is stream of consciousness more or less so... figured I'd leave it#anyway... there whatever this is... is#mm tag so i can find things later
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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these#I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH#WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
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