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taintedcigs · 1 year ago

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GETAWAY CAR — rockstar!e.m. x f!reader

CHAPTER SIX: ALL TOMORROW'S PARTIES

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✦ summary: in which the truth about steve's party is revealed and eddie leaves reader another note (wc: 8.6k+)

✦ warnings — angst, ANGST, arguments, FIST FIGHT?!?, HUGE WARNING FOR BRUISES AND AN ABSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!!, mention of bruises, mention of shoving someone, BILLY IS ABSIVE, if this content makes you uncomfortable lmk so i can make a summary of it, or just skip the flash back (but its like half of the chapter>:() chrissy is horrible, BILLY is even more horrible, chrissy says some classist shit!!, eddie and p are an old married couple, drinking, smoking/weed

✦ pairings — rockstar!eddie munson x fem!reader, past billy hargrove x fem!reader

✦ authors note — @andvys ily thank u for always being so helpful w everything i hope u like this chapter bb!! not proof-read srry ignore mistakes !! and as i said this is a heavy chapter so lmk if any of u need a summary on the flashback. and im so sorry for making chrissy such a villain i actually rlly love her characterr >:(

anyway ily all pls interact + like + reblog to support me! i'd also LOVE LOVE to chat about anything abt this series it literally is my baby!! pls dont hesitate to send me an ask about anything mwah thank you for reading💗

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FIVE YEARS AGO.STEVE’S PARTY.

Twenty minutes. You’ve been waiting in line for the bathroom at Steve’s stupid party for the last twenty minutes. Even plenty of people ahead of you had frustratedly groaned and left by now. But you weren’t going to give up that easy.

A muffled string of curses filtered through the door before she turned the lock. The door creaked open slightly, revealing a glimpse of Chrissy's face. She gave you a slight smile, and cluelessly, your face lit up. “Oh, thank god! Can you please let me in, I left my jacket in there.” You giggled, words tangled to each other as you made a clumsy attempt to slip past her, but she closed the door further.

With furrowed brows, you looked up at her. “Uh, I’m busy in here,” She giggled nervously, head tilting towards the side. “Oh,” You murmured.

“OH!” The realization was slow to hit you. She was with someone. You started grinning childishly. “Who’s the lucky guy?” You quipped your brows excitedly, causing Chrissy to stammer.

You tried to pry open the door, brows still wiggling but Chrissy didn’t let you, mumbling something about being embarrassed. “Oh, come on, Chrissy…” You murmured, still grappling with her to open the door.

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about—” you began with a childlike giggle, attempting to open the door even wider.

Your giggles were quick to die down when the door fell open, no words dared to come out of your lips as you finally saw who Chrissy was with. Billy. Soberness overcame you just at the sight of Billy’s disheveled hair, and Chrissy’s swollen plump lips.

Your best friend and your boyfriend.

Your eyes blinked rapidly, desperately wishing it was all a hallucination. The reality of the situation was slow to hit you, your vision blurred uncontrollably, throat tightening, and causing you to feel stuck, almost paralyzed.

With a gulp, you were quick to take a step back, ignoring them calling your name as you turned back, forgetting all about the jacket you were supposed to get back when your legs felt so wobbly. You could hear the chatter outside the door get louder, everyone else taking a peak at what just happened. The whispers and gasps of everyone around you felt like mocking echoes.

You didn’t even know what to feel first. Anger? Jealousy? Sadness? Embarrassment?

It was a mix of all four and your chest hurts, tears welled up in your eyes, burning down your cheeks as your breaths came in shallow gasps, you couldn’t make any sense of it, and you couldn’t fucking understand it.

You felt it, felt betrayal like a physical sensation, like there was a void in your chest. And you could sense that Billy was running after you, trying to catch up to you, but you resisted the temptation to slow down, your anger acting as a protective shield.

“Baby, I swear nothing happened.” He exclaimed, desperation lacing his voice. Your eyes rolled instinctively, head tuning out the words that were too little, too late.

“Please, just listen to me she kissed me I didn’t! I tried to push her off—” You shouldn’t turn around, you definitely shouldn’t turn around and give him that satisfaction.

But you do.

“For twenty minutes?!? You tried to push her off for twenty fucking minutes?” You yell back bitterly.

“It isn’t what you think, please just let me explain!”

“Twenty fucking minutes, Billy!” You spat, pain quick to turn into anger. “Do you really think I’m that dumb?” Your fingers discarded your hair in anger, everything you knew to be true wasn’t anymore.

You knew what you had with Billy was fucked up, it wasn’t a normal nor a healthy relationship, but it was familiar and you were used to it, used to him. A relationship with this many ups and downs became your version of normalcy, even though it shouldn’t have.

No matter what happened, you thought he loved you, all those promises he whispered into your ear while you slept comfortably on his chest, all the times he murmured that he loved you, that he could never imagine being with anyone else, a whole fucking lie.

And it hurt.

Because you knew how hard it would be to walk away from this. You knew you couldn’t break away from him. You needed something to desperately pull you away. Show you that you deserved better than this.

No one would love you more than he did. He told you that a thousand times because it was true. He would do anything and everything for you. And you didn’t know why that enticed you, why being in such a fucked up situation hurt you in the best way possible, like an intoxicating yet destructive obsession.

And anyway, why would anyone even love you? You were a mess, a fuck up, nothing you did ever amounted to anything, and you knew that, you knew you were destined to be this way, to be with someone who constantly hurt you. Nothing you could do would be enough to get you out of the mess that was your mind.

“I would never do that to you, never.” His eyes were glossy, mirroring yours, you could tell when he lied to you, and this wasn’t one of those times. And you hated that your gaze softened with that because you wanted to believe him.

You knew he was flirty, you knew that the second you started dating Billy; from the countless times he flirted with the waitress when he took you to dinner, how he always got a little too close with the female lifeguards, how he charmed all the moms in Hawkins with a slight wink, it was a script you knew all too well. And you kept your mouth shut, tolerated it, only because he always brushed it off as nothing.

You didn’t mind it because he loved you, he told you he did, and you believed him. The countless arguments, the accidental bruises, name-callings, punches in the wall, you forgave it all. Because he loved you, he told you that love made him this way, it made him this insane and angry. And you let him make you believe that his erratic behavior was love, until today.

Because this was different, this was Chrissy. Your supposed best friend. Yes, Billy probably didn’t start making out with her, but he surely wasn’t eager to finish it either.

The betrayal cut deeper than any argument or bruise; it was a wound inflicted by the two people you believed loved you unconditionally.

You let out a sarcastic chuckle, arms crossing against your chest as you could feel your face burn up with anger, tears drying out. “You are something else,” you uttered, disappointment and resentment flavoring your words.

“I don’t want to ever see you again, Billy, and I fucking mean it.”

“Calm down,” he whispered, a feeble attempt to pacify you.

“No! I am not going to fucking ‘calm down’. You—you fucking cheated on me w-with Chrissy!” Your voice wavered, and you hated it, your anger wasn’t powerful enough to wash away the pain you felt, and tears were stinging your eyes again.

“Jesus how many times do I have to tell you she fucking kissed me! I-I didn’t fuckin’ cheat!” He defended but you shook your head. “And, anyway, didn’t you fucking kiss that freak?”

A lump formed in your throat, a bitter taste accompanying the memory. Yes, you did. But it was after one of your infamous breaks with Billy, the two of you were broken up. Eddie and you promised each other that it was nothing, that it would just complicate things between the two of you. And you knew, if Billy ever found out about it, he would not leave it alone, he wouldn’t let you hang out with him. He would mess with him till no end. And you didn’t want Eddie involved in it. Ever.

“I told you we didn’t!” You lied through your teeth, it didn’t matter now. What you did could never compare to what he fucking did. Ever. But you were starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, Chrissy spreading that rumor was not an accident, at all.

Anger simmered, building like a storm inside you. “Don’t try to shift the blame on me, you fucking kissed her!”

“I didn’t—”

“Did you not fucking kiss her back you asshole?” You interrupted, the surge of anger propelling you forward. Your hands found his shoulders, pushing him roughly. Billy stammered, opening his mouth to speak. “I-I only for like a minute, then I fuckin’ pulled away, I swear!” He defended himself, making you huff angrily.

“It’s over, Billy.” You muttered, gaze meeting his.

“I mean it.” You added, his sympathetic gaze was quick to turn cold, and it made you feel uneasy, how comfortable he was going from gentle to rough so quickly.

His lips twisted into a cynical skepticism, “for how long this time? Eight hours? Two fucking days? A week?” There was that lump in your throat again. Billy didn’t believe that you could leave him, and you felt that tight, unexplainable feeling sink into your chest, he thought you’d stay with him no matter what, like a fucking object that he could do whatever he wants to. It’s sickeningly insulting, your hand raises to slap him, but he’s faster.

“I don’t think so, sweetheart.” His harsh grip on your wrist hurts, but what hurts more is the fresh bruise he left on your forearm two days ago, another fight that got too grabby.

“L-let me go,” you embarrassingly begged, wincing at his relentless grip. Your face scrunched with pain, eyes squeezing shut. The tenderness of the bruise made the slightest touch unbearable.

His hand twisted your wrist further, harsh hold squeezing more tears out of you than you realized. “B-billy,” you begged, again. Only then, Billy noticed your discomfort, swallowing hard before reluctantly releasing your arm. An emptiness replaced his hold, and your vision blurred as you tried to reassure yourself, fingertips gently tracing the purplish bruise.

“D-does forever work?” It comes out as a whisper, words tangling to each other when you recollect yourself from him, still trying to find the broken pieces he scattered, leaving without another word.

And he didn’t bother to run after you, watching your figure leave while guilt set in, the sight of that purple blotch on your arm, how you flinched at any contact, the way you closed up during arguments, it was all because of him. All because he couldn’t fucking help himself; his anger or his need for control.

He doesn’t escape the cycle.

A sigh of relief escaped your lips as you walked away, tears streaming down your face. Your hands shook as you wiped them away, the weight of everything breaking free in a flood of sobs.

You immediately make your way to the drink stand, praying to whatever god there is that no one else can perceive you for the rest of the night so that you can drown in your sorrows and drink all of it away.

You barely registered Chrissy approaching you between sobs and the harsh scoop of the 'pure fire,' as Steve called it, into the red cup clutched in your fists. “Can I talk to you?” Her voice, when it finally reached your ears, felt mocking, and carried a giddy undertone that enraged you more and more.

“No,” you scoffed, refusing to entertain the idea, turning your attention back to the sorrowful task of filling your cup.

“Come on, take a chill pill,” she attempted to joke, her usual signature line falling flat. Your glare, sharp as the knives you felt in your back, met her with anger. She huffed a sigh of breath.

“Please I’m sorry, just let me talk—”

“What the fuck do you want to talk about, huh?” You set the cup down harshly, the impact of it had the drink sloshing all over the surface, “the fact that you tried to kiss my boyfriend?” you interrupted with a spiteful look.

Her wavering sympathy dissipated at your accusation, eyes turning cold as she furrowed her brows. “What?” she hissed. “Tried? Is that what he told you?” She scoffed.

Your face scrunched. “I wouldn’t put it past you.” You spat back, you didn’t care if your words hurt her in the slightest, your thoughts were purely consumed by her betrayal.

“Excuse me?” Chrissy’s eyes narrowed.

“Jesus, Pinky are you really that fucking gullible?” She asked tilting her head almost mockingly.

“Or do you really think that highly of yourself?” Your mouth struggled to open, heart dropped to your stomach when you realized she didn’t even care.

“We were in that bathroom for twenty minutes, use your imagination.” That goddamn smirk curved on her lips, and you knew you have never felt this amount of pain before, it was insulting, to ever think you called her your friend.

“Oh, you are such a fucking-” You could feel your blood boiling, almost ready to attack her, your drunken haze giving you enough courage.

But her annoying tone interrupted you, “Did you really think you were perfect? That you were enough for Billy?”

“What did you think? That he would want a fucking charity case like you?” The tears pooled your eyes again, but you weren’t going to let her see it, so you held them in, clenching your fists as your breath caught in your throat. All of her insults became a deafening background noise to your ears. “Newsflash, Pinky you have junkies for parents. You’re too messed up. Even for Billy.”

The heat rushed to your cheeks at the last insult, earning a visceral reaction because of how cruel she was. Disgust and anger overtook your senses quicker than you intended them to, you felt small, and so fucking stupid.

Regret gnawed at you – You should’ve never let her in. You should’ve never let her comfort you. You should’ve never told her anything. It was all your fucking fault. For trusting anyone that came in your way.

Just because you wanted to feel loved, just because you wanted to fill that void that your parents left. And it was so ironic, considering they couldn’t give two shits about you, yet your deepest wound would always be them.

“You’re so fucking pathetic, Chrissy.” You spat, masking all of your emotions. You had mastered it at this point. You didn’t care what she said about you, she could keep her mouth running, because she was dead to you. Maybe you could’ve forgiven her for the whole Billy thing because fuck him too, he was no saint, right?

But making fun of your parents was one line she couldn’t cross.

“You’re more fit for that trailer trash freak.” Scratch that. Making fun of Eddie was one line she couldn’t fucking cross. Eddie. She couldn’t breathe near him if she wanted to, she didn’t deserve it.

Your teeth grounded together, and fury fueled your rise to your feet. “Don’t ever call him that again.” The words slipped between gritted teeth, the realization of how close you had walked to her only dawned as you unintentionally cornered her.

She looked taken aback, brows pinched together. “What are you gonna do? Go all trailer trash on me too?” She chuckled, annoyingly loud.

You shouldn’t. You fucking shouldn’t.

But she also shouldn’t have insulted Eddie.

You are ready to lunge at her, feet planted closer as your hands are formed as fists at your side, and just as you’re about to take another step, a harsh arm yanked you away. Seconds away from getting that satisfaction, and just like that, you’re ripped away from it.

“What the—” You turned swiftly to see the culprit, as you harshly shook off the hold on you, your bruises still hurt, causing loud whines to part from your lips. Steve. Chrissy was back in your face, mocking laughter dancing in her eyes. “God, you’re predictable.” The laughter stung, and the pressure of your anger almost built up in your jaw. “Fuck you, you stupid—” You try again. No luck. Of course, Steve, with an unyielding grip, dragged you away.

Chrissy walked past, reveling in the scorned look etched on your face. She paused, turning with a smirk. “Oh, and next time you get a ‘freak accident’, make sure you don’t forget your jacket.” She pointed toward the fresh bruise on your forearm, courtesy to Billy who grabbed you a little too hard during another heated argument. Then she threw the jacket right next to you, on the floor landing with a mocking thud as she left with an irritating cackle.

Impressively, Steve picked it up while maintaining his hold on you. “Let me go!” Your almost-scream echoed, his hands were unintentionally grazing the tender bruise, and it fucking hurt.

Only when he knew Chrissy was out of sight did he release his grip, and you shook him off with an exasperated huff. “What the fuck?!?” You questioned, gaze burning with fury. “Right back at you, what the fuck was that, Pinky?” He asked, tone more concerned than angry. “Nothing,” you muttered. It was such an obvious lie that Steve rolled his eyes. “That won’t work with me.”

In a defiant move, you grabbed the drink, aiming to drown the tension, but Steve intercepted, harshly putting it back down. A glare shot his way. “Will you leave me alone?” “No.” He protested with a pinch of his brows. “So, tell me.” “Steve,” you whined. You didn’t want to be interrogated by him, you knew he cared. But you just couldn’t handle it. “I’m serious, you do realize this is my house, right?” His tone carried a veiled threat and you rolled your eyes at him. “I could kick you out any time I wanted to.” Your gaze narrowed, disbelief etched across your face. "You wouldn’t do shit." With a raise of his brows, Steve swiftly picked you up, slinging you over his shoulders. It all happened so fast that you weren’t quick to start softly punching his back and screaming. God, he really was good at distracting you, so good that his little act almost coaxed a reluctant smile from your lips. “Put me down!” You yelled behind him, your fists landed on his back with a not-so-impactful force.

“Are you gonna tell me?” Steve asked, relishing the way you continued to thrash over his shoulder. Your face grew hotter every second, and with an annoyed huff, you finally nodded. “Yes, Jesus Christ!”

He gently lowered you to the ground, and a teasing glint danced in Steve's eyes as he quipped, "Atta girl." You responded with a scoff and a mock annoyed chuckle.

“So?” He questioned, arms crossing against his chest, his demeanor shifted, the playful atmosphere dissipating as his expression turned serious. “I caught Chrissy and Billy in the bathroom.” “What?” Genuine shock washed over Steve's features, his eyes widening in disbelief. “Yeah I—” “And she still had the nerve to say all those fucking things?” Embarrassment surged, fluttering your cheeks hot. “You, uh, you heard those?” Steve responded with a quick nod.

“Don’t be embarrassed, Pinky, not with me.” He reassured you, his hand finding a comforting place on your waist, “she's the one who should be fuckin’ embarrassed. Jesus.”

“Thought she was supposed to be your friend,” Steve said, his gaze softening with empathy.

“Me too.” A sad chuckle escaped your lips.

His gaze lingered on the gnarly bruises decorating your arm, a visible wince reflecting in his expression. "And what about those?" he gulped, concern etching lines on his face.

You were quick to dismiss it with a wave, too quickly that of fucking course Steve knew something was wrong, you didn’t even dare to look at the bruises, or him in the eyes.

“Bike accident,” you muttered, lying through your teeth.

"Since when do you have a bike?" Steve questioned and gauged your reaction, he knew you were lying, you were avoiding his gaze, and you looked visibly nervous, but he didn’t want to push this. It was too personal, and this wasn’t the place for it. So, he understood, of course, he did. He or Nancy should’ve been the one you confided in. But you didn’t want to burden them with your problems.

“If—” Steve took a deep breath, choosing his words carefully. “If you ever need to talk about anything—and I mean anything—you can always talk to me. Hell, us! You can always talk to us, you know that, right?” His hand was quick to caress your back, gently, letting you know that he would always be there.

You nodded, but you wanted this pity party to be over, you wanted—needed Eddie. Just one hug from him. And maybe a joint.

“I-I know, thank you.” You hesitantly replied, stumbling over your words.

“You need anything?” He asked sincerely.

You shook your head softly. “No… but have you seen Eddie?”

“He was selling to some idiots on the porch, might still be there.” He shrugged.

You were quick to nod, you had to leave, immediately. You didn’t want to worry Steve. “Thanks, Stevie, see you around?” You hummed, managing a smile that he mirrored.

And with that you were quick to grab your drink, downing it with a hiss before you almost ran to the porch, you didn’t want to see Billy or Chrissy again. You needed to find Eddie. And god, was it hot, you didn’t know if it was because of everything that transpired in the last twenty minutes, or it was because of the alcohol flowing in your system but you were burning up. And you didn’t want to wear your jacket. You should have.

A harsh breeze of air hit you once you finally stepped on the porch, fresh yet biting, serving as a slap of reality that had your eyes watering, you didn’t know why, you didn’t know how, but the tears came immediately. It was pathetic, really. You with the bruises, half-drunk, discovering your friend with your boyfriend, breaking up with your boyfriend, and then earning insults from the said friend who was hooking up with your boyfriend. A rollercoaster of a fucking night, but it was just getting started. Slouching on the porch stairs, your head hung low to your knees as you covered your face with shame, almost. Mind reeling in the worst way possible.

The insults stuck to it, Chrissy’s plump lips, Billy’s disheveled hair. His harsh grip on your arm. The way he mocked you. The insults Chrissy uttered. It was all a fucking mess. And you couldn’t handle any more of it.

All the emotions you pent up over the years wanted to flow through your eyes, ruining you, completely breaking you apart.

The red cup in your hand was crumpled roughly, each attempt to stifle your cries only intensified the shaking of the cup, spilling over to the stairs.

Where was he?

Where was Eddie?

Your mind was spinning and the only thing you could think of was him.

“Pinky?” The soft tone of his voice sliced through the tumult in your mind, and your head snapped up, eyes immediately watered at the sight.

There he stood, a boyish grin adorning his face, shaggy bangs falling over his amber eyes, a stupid leather jacket, and those stupid black jeans with chains attached to the hip. Him.

“Finally! Been lookin’ everywhere for you, sweetheart,” His voice wrapped around you like a reassuring embrace, but your foggy mind took a while for everything to register. When it did, you shot up, the world spinning dizzily, as you threw yourself into his arms. Sobs escaped freely, muffled against his jacket.

His voice immediately softened, gentle hands running through your hair as he cooed. “Hey.. hey… what happened?” His tone so sweetly sick that you couldn’t help but melt into him, letting his warmth take over.

Your breath caught up in your throat, and Eddie gently pulled away from the hug. Soft hands cupped your tear-streaked cheeks, grounding you with a simple touch. You gave into him, succumbing to his tenderness.

This was what you needed. And it was almost as clear as day. It should’ve always been him.

"I-I-" Your words stumbled over your sobs, the weight on your chest making it hard to breathe. Eddie's concerned eyes met yours, wiping away the tears on your cheek gently.

“Honey, hey, hey…” He caught your attention, his soothing voice breaking through the haze. His brows furrowed with worry, and you blinked open your eyes, focusing on him. "Breathe, can you do that for me, sweetheart?" Like a lifeline, his words pulled you back from the edge. Concern etched on his face, apparent from his brows creasing.

What the fuck happened? And who fucking did this to you?

Eddie had a good idea who did it: Billy. The very thought of that name sent a surge of anger through his veins. Hadn't this asshole put you through enough already? What could he have fucking done now?

You drew in a shuddering breath, and Eddie, recognizing your struggle, encouraged you while soothingly caressing your hair, calming you down further and further.

"Deep breaths, just like that. Breathe for me," he coaxed, and you obediently followed, shallow breaths gradually returning to normal as you focused on him.

His touch was gentle, hands still caressing your cheeks as he asked with genuine concern, "Are you doing okay now?" He asked, gaze mellow and lips overturned with worry

You nodded, but it wasn't convincing enough for him. As your hiccups persisted, you finally managed to articulate through the tears, "Chrissy."

Eddie's heart tightened, a quizzical look on his face. Chrissy? What did she have to do with this?

"Billy hooked up with Chrissy," you revealed, it was the most clear you had spoken to him and he still had a hard time understanding it.

His brows pinched together both in anger and confusion, his hold on you faltering once he registered your words.

So, Billy cheated on you?

Oh, now he was going to kill that bastard. Once he made sure you were okay, he was going to beat the shit out of him.

"What?" he exclaimed a little too loudly, his hold on you momentarily faltering in sheer shock.

"They—what?" he stammered.

"I caught them in the bathroom, Eddie, I—" Your tears blurred your vision again, and in frustration, you ran your hand through your hair.

That's when Eddie's eyes widened, and he pointed to something, asking, "What's that?"

You froze, desperately attempting to dismiss it, but Eddie wasn't having it. His hands gently flew to your forearm, and you flinched just in time, hastily trying to put on the jacket you should've already been wearing. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Now he was going to ask so many questions, and you knew he wouldn’t let go like Steve did, and he would know if you lied, in a heartbeat.

He huffed quickly, ignoring your protests as he softly held onto your arm, just around the bruise, being careful not to cause any more pain. Your lip trembled in the process. Shit, shit, shit.

“Pinky…” he murmured, worry creasing his brows at the royal purple mark.

If Eddie knew, there was no turning back, there was no way he wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. A part of you was happy about it—maybe he could pull you away, maybe everything would be okay.

But the other part of you was terrified. Because you know he wouldn’t think of your bruises as nothing like you did and like Billy kept assuring you, he wouldn’t just let this go like you would. He would stand up for you, and while you were grateful, you were equally scared.

“N-nothing,” you muttered, avoiding his intense gaze.

“That’s not nothing,” his hand extended, slowly but surely making you reveal the full extent of the huge, gnarly bruise on your arm, with another one freshly forming from the hold Billy had on you earlier. Fuck.

“Holy shit,” he muttered, trying to avoid the genuine gasp waiting to escape his lips, “What happened?” His gaze found yours.

“Bike accident,” you lied through your teeth, a stupid fucking lie. He would never buy it.

“You don’t have a bike.” He heaved a sigh of breath, the thought of these bruises forming because of Billy didn’t even form his mind, sure he was awful and an asshole, but Eddie never thought he would be that awful.

“I used Mike’s.” Another lie.

“Did something bad happen?”

“No!”

“Pinky,” he said it so seriously that you felt bad. “Tell me, please.” His tone was awfully worrying.

How the fuck were you going to tell him?

“We were arguing—”

“What?” He quickly snapped back, not at you, but at what you were implying. He could almost feel the color draining from his cheeks. You surely didn’t mean…

“It-it was nothing!” You defended with a dismissive wave, but it didn’t stop his eyes widening. “We just- we were just arguing, and-and then he tried to hold me but i-it was just a little tight!”

“H-he did this to you?” Eddie’s jaw clenched in an instant, and he tried his best not to react, trying not to show you how he could feel his blood practically boiling, you’d been through enough, you didn’t need to deal with calming him down now, too.

“No, no, it was just a little accident. It doesn’t matter!”

“Yes, it fucking does!”

“No, it doesn’t!” Frustrated, you spat back, a bit of your pent-up anger lashing out at Eddie.

“I’m going to kill that asshole,” He scowled, rising to his feet, eyes spitting fire and you were quick to have a strong hold on his arm. “N-no! Please.” You whispered, the desperation in your voice slicing through the tension. Your touch brings him back to the present, reminding him that you matter more than his impulsive reactions.

Eddie stopped with a sigh of breath, gaze returning to you, and you nervously licked your lips fingers combing through your hair to gather your thoughts. “Look, Eddie, I-I just needed to see you, I just needed to feel normal for a moment, please, not now.” Your gaze was sympathetic, you looked so hurt that Eddie’s brows scrunched in pain.

He opened his mouth, about to speak, about to tell you that he could protect you, but your brows furrowed, and that teary-eyed look returned on your face. “Please,” Desperate, tugging on his arm, and he had no choice but to nod. He could deal with this later.

“O-okay,” he muttered, meekly, swallowing the lump in his throat. His stomach churned in pain and anger when he realized that bastard actually fucking hurt you. And you really thought it was all okay…

“What do you need, honey?” Sickeningly sweet tone was back again, and it warmed you up, removing the coldness that sat on your chest.

“A hug…” You muttered, “and maybe a joint.”

That brought an unintentional grin to both of your faces. “C’mere.” He whispered, arms quick to wrap around you, holding you close. The subtle sway of his body rocked you in the promise that you were not alone, his gaze filled with concern and you couldn’t help but melt into him when he pressed a kiss onto your hair.

Too engulfed, too distracted to realize someone almost sprinting toward the two of you. Before you could process the approaching figure, a voice cut through the air, sharp and accusatory. “You didn’t kiss him? Bullshit!”

Confusion etched across your face as Eddie's protective arms tightened around you. “What the hell are you—”

Billy, possibly fueled by alcohol, swaggered toward you both with an air of aggression. “Stay the fuck away from my girlfriend.”

The scent of alcohol wafted from Billy, and Eddie’s unbridled rage was now on the surface, he wore a scowl, eyes daggering through Billy. His hand protectively remained on your hips, gently pulling you aside. You tried to look at him, silently pleaded that you didn’t want this, that you didn’t need him to do this. But it was no fucking use.

“She’s not your fucking girlfriend, dipshit.”

“Stay the fuck out of this, freak.” He ignored Eddie, rage now full on display as he fully turned toward you.

“What, you gonna deny it, or no?” Caught in a crossfire, you felt a surge of panic, and just as you were about to speak, Eddie did it for you.

“No, she’s not gonna fuckin’ deny it.” Your eyes widened, blinking rapidly to process what Eddie just confessed to.

“Eddie—” You tried but again, no use, Eddie took a step closer to him.

“We did kiss.” A smirk played on his lips, he was doing it on purpose, he wanted to get Billy to punch him.

“I fucking kissed her, asshole.” Shit, you internally cursed at him.

The tension thickened, you could see it in the ticking jaw and bulging vein on Billy's neck. He moved forward, poised to strike at Eddie. “You have the nerve you fuckin’ freak!” He stepped forward, attempting to get at him.

You acted quick, acting as a shield to Eddie, you didn’t care, you couldn’t let him get hurt because of you. You couldn’t handle that.

“Billy, don’t!” Your desperate plea was drowned out by the pounding music and the escalating chaos. Despite your efforts, Billy's aggression only intensified. A forceful push sent you sprawling to the unforgiving ground. Tiny rocks bit into your palms, and your knees scraped against the abrasive cement.

The impact on the ground sent a shockwave of pain through your body, a groan escaping your lips at the pain. Your world spun harder, you didn’t even know what to focus on first; the throbbing bruise on your cheek, Billy's kiss with Chrissy, the haze of your drunkenness, or the startling fact that Billy had pushed you to the ground. All of it made you dizzy.

You could barely blink when Eddie knocked Billy out cold, with three well-aimed punches, lunging at him the moment he laid hands on you, your gaze narrowed to make sure you saw it correctly.

Eddie was fine. Eddie was okay.

“Sweetheart, oh my god.” Eddie's voice cut through the haze, his worried tone a soothing balm. With a gentle scoop, he lifted you to your feet.

You didn’t want to be there when Billy woke up, some drunk idiot could help him. Or Chrissy would, for all you cared. And as if Eddie understood you, he quickly helped you move away from the scene, guiding you towards the row of parked cars, away from everything.

Once you were at a safer distance, Eddie tried to hold you, face etched in concern, as he ventured to ask, “You doing okay?”

The scowl you wore was anything but, “Why did you do that?!?” The words spat from your lips surprised him.

“Excuse me?” Eddie responded, his brow furrowing in confusion.

“Yo-you shouldn’t have told him!” Worry was etched all over your face, Eddie didn’t realize the consequences of what he did would have, but you did, oh, you did.

“D-do you realize what you just fucking did?” You wanted to cry, or you were already crying, you couldn’t tell when your cheeks were wet already.

“I—”

You interrupted him. “I-I don’t need this, I don’t need you to protect me.”

“I didn’t mean to make you upset—”

“I’m not upset!” Your scowl deepened, face flushed with frustration.

He tried to reach closer, tried to help you but you refused. “Don’t- just don’t!”

“I-I don’t need to be saved or protected, okay?” Your lips wobbled, “just l-leave me alone, Eddie.”

“What?” His face fell, lips downturned, as he struggled to comprehend your sudden detachment.

“Leave me alone, I-I can take care of myself!” You begged, but that anger sank on your chest, it made you bitter, made you want to close up entirely.

“How the fuck am I supposed to do that?” He spat, hands ruffling through his hair in anger. He took a step closer to you, stomach churning with the need to hold you.

“Pinky don’t you fucking see it? I care about you, you’re the only thing I care about in this goddamn world! How the fuck do you expect me to leave when you’re hurt?” His voice cracked, and your gaze softened with it.

“How do you expect me to not beat the shit out of that fucking asshole for doing that to you?” The raw emotion in his voice was enough to pierce through your defenses, making your heartache.

“I get it, I get that you’re tough, but shit—”

“I can’t just sit and watch you get hurt… I can’t.” The truth in his words hung heavy in the air, it was almost like a shift between the two of you, like the barrier finally dissipating, so that the true feelings would prevail.

Yet, despite that you pushed back, your own stubbornness overtaking you. “But I want you to leave me alone!”

You knew your words were nothing but a lie, you needed someone, him specifically. Sure, you had always been tough, but this? This was too much. And you knew he was the only one who could make you feel better, yet like an idiot, you pushed him away. That’s all you were good at, wasn’t it?

Your tears came back when you saw his face, defeated, all because of you. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve you. He deserved better, he shouldn’t be roped up in this mess. You had to push him away, you fucking had to.

He didn’t do anything but look at you. Really, really looked at you.

And you looked a mess, hair disheveled, mascara running down your cheeks, bruises on your arm, knees scrapped, lip wobbling, and you could barely stand. The worst possible condition he saw you in.

He knew what you were doing, you were pushing him away because you were afraid. A move, he always pulled, a move he was good at until he met you. He understood you, possibly in a way no one ever could.

Eddie, undeterred, stepped closer to you with a calm determination. Your head snapped up at the movement, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and frustration.

“No.” He muttered.

“What?”

“I’m not gonna leave.”

“But—”

“No but’s, wear your jacket, I’m taking you home.” His tone was clear, not harsh, not soft either. Just letting you know that he was here, he was always going to be here and he was not leaving, even if you tried so hard to make him.

“I-I don’t think I wanna go home.” You muttered.

“My place?” You nod softly.

You don’t know why it caused you to break down again, but it did, tears were your friend and they were overspilling faster than you intended them to. His arms opened up instinctively and you didn’t hesitate to let him engulf you.

“I’m sorry,” you murmured between sobs, the words catching in your throat. “‘M sorry, didn’t mean it, ‘m so sorry, sorry, so—” Hiccups interrupted your apologies, but Eddie hushed you gently, his presence making you feel at ease.

“I know, I know…” he cooed, hand ghosting over your back, the hold he had on you tight enough to let you know that you were safe. “It’s okay, honey.” He reassured. The sweet name had your heart beat faster once you looked up at him.

“I-I didn’t mean it.” You stammered all teary-eyed, and Eddie couldn’t help the way his chest tightened, you didn’t deserve this, you didn’t deserve to cry. He was going to make sure you were okay.

“Hey, hey, I know.” He cooed softly, gently caressing your face.

“P-please, don’t leave.” Your tone framed the words so gut-wrenchingly painful that Eddie ached, his heart broke a million times, over and over, pieces to pieces.

“Never.”

“I’d never leave you.”

NOW STEVE'S BRUNCH.

With the missing pieces of the puzzle finally being revealed to Eddie, that memory was what he replayed in his head, over and over, until he finally couldn’t handle the way Steve reassured you, hand on your waist as he told you idiotic jokes.

He couldn’t shake off it, he shouldn’t just leave it like this. He should fight for you, he should do something. His hand was quick to fish out the notebook, his eyes scanned through it to find the perfect note, maybe, this would help you realize that he had always been there for you. A feeble attempt, but he didn’t have any other choice, you didn’t want to talk to him, so he just slipped the note to Jonathan and left.

You watched him leave, a scowl on your face, heart aching when he didn’t even utter a goodbye to you. It was hypocritical, considering that you had asked him not to acknowledge you, but you couldn’t help it. You couldn’t help yourself when it came to him.

Hours had passed since that moment and you had apologized to Jonathan and Nancy a hundred times by now, but they shrugged it off without a care. God, you really didn’t deserve them, did you?

And everything was going finally back to normal. Sipping the cocktails and munching on the amazing pancakes Steve had made everyone, and dabbling your feet in the water as laughter was all that surrounded the group.

This was what it should’ve been, all of you, and Eddie. If he hadn’t brought her.

But of course, all the bliss disappeared once Steve decided to bring it up again.

“So… how do you feel?” You threw him a glare, splashing some of the chlorine-filled water directly at his hair.

“Jesus, not the fucking hair!” He groaned, ruffling it with his daggering glare thrown at you. “Now you have to tell me!” He insisted, shoulder nudging yours.

“I don’t really wanna talk about it,” you muttered, facing away from him as you felt everyone eyeing you.

“Maybe, we should.” Jonathan chimed in, making you furrow your brows.

“What does that mean?” Steve replied before you did.

With a sigh, Jonathan extended a rustled paper, and you immediately recognized what it was, “He said he wanted me to give this to you.”

“A note? So brave of him,” Steve mocked with a roll of his eyes, groaning when Nancy elbowed him.

Robin hid her giggle with her hand, and Nancy threw her an icy glare, shutting both of them up.

Your brows furrowed in disbelief, lips kissing your teeth as you snatched it out of his hand. “Oh, he did?” You didn’t mean to sound sarcastic, but it was pissing you off at this point.

He didn’t utter a single word to you. And now he didn’t even have the decency to give you this?

Steve was right.

Why was he being a fucking coward?

You were quick to get up from the side of the pool, plopping onto the nearest chair to read the contents.

You could feel their eyes on you but they were quick to hide it, going back to their chatter.

“When she gave me this, I never thought I’d actually end up writing in it for anything other than lyrics. Some ideas. But ever since we kissed, I can’t stop or control my thoughts, it’s been nonstop flowing and this is the only way I can express it. The only thing to make me feel sane, to make it seem like it really was real. My mouth hasn’t shut up about her since she kissed it, my thoughts haven’t been okay ever since I saw the curl of her lips right after she kissed me. I know how hard it is for her, I know how much she struggles with that dipshit who doesn't deserve her. But it doesn’t matter, now. I’ll wait. I’ll wait forever if she asks me to. I’ll do anything if she asks me to.”

You turned the note over, nothing else was written, with your brows pinched together angrily, you smushed it into your pocket, ignoring the protests of everyone while you jumped into your car in a hurry.

What the fuck was he thinking giving you this?

What the fuck was his problem?

If he wanted you, why couldn’t he just tell you?

And if so, why did he even bring Chrissy?

It wasn’t long till you made it to Eddie’s trailer, and with your harsh knocks, it wasn’t long till Eddie opened it.

“Jesus Christ—” His words fell in the air at the sight of you, eyes widening.

“What the fuck is your problem?” You yelled, lines on your forehead deepening into a frown as you held up the note in his face.

“You didn’t utter a single word to me, and you’re just giving this note to Jonathan?” He stammered, mouth unable to find the words to speak, not really expecting you to confront him like this.

“Why don’t you just say it to my fucking face?”

“I would, if you weren’t so busy.”

Your brows pinched together, “excuse me?”

“Is this some kind of a joke?” He asked.

“Y-you tell me not to speak with you! You tell me that we shouldn’t ever see each other again, then you leave with Steve and somehow I’m the problem?” He said, exasperated.

Was he… jealous? Of Steve?

“No, the problem is you being a coward!” You raised your voice, hand pressing the note to his chest dramatically.

“You think I’m a coward? I’m the furthest fucking thing from it, and you know that.”

“You think a coward would put everything aside for you? You think a coward would run away with you?”

“O-okay, okay!” You want him to stop speaking, because you know he’s right, he wasn’t a coward, at least when it came to that. But he was a coward when it came to his feelings, and maybe it wouldn’t have pissed you off this much if you weren’t one too.

The two of you were dancing around what you actually needed to talk about, feelings, and it was getting ridiculous at this point, because neither of you could pull away, no matter how many times you said you would. He pulled you in, and you pulled him in.

“I fucked up, I did. But don’t ever act like I’m the one who ran away when things got too hard, okay?” He leaned further on the door frame, face inches away from yours, it made your breath hitch, heart thumping inside of your ribcage.

Your words meshed together when your gaze stooped on his lips. He was close, so close, and he occupied your mind. “H-How did we even go back to this? It’s like we’re moving around in a stupid fucking circle and—” You took a deep breath to gather your thoughts.

“I told you I didn’t want to do this back and forth with you and here we are again!” It was frustrating, everything with him was frustrating, but you couldn’t stay away from him, how could you?

Those five years had been hell.

“Are you kidding?” His words were dripping with irritation, “You came to my door! Started screaming in my face and waving notes!”

“I only did it because you were too much of a fucking coward to give me the note!” Now it was fully getting ridiculous, arguments turning into a bickering old couple.

“I told you I’m not a coward—” He defended.

You interrupted with, “Fine, fine! You are not a coward whatever!”

“What you are is fucking infuriating!” You spat, taking a step closer to him.

“Infuriating? You started this!” He fueled it, mirroring your steps, one more step from either of you, and his lips would be pressed onto yours.

“Oh, so I kissed Chrissy?” You scoffed, arms crossed against your chest.

“Jesus, that’s not what I meant!” He almost groaned, frustrated.

“You want me to prove it to you? You want me to tell you how much I messed up? I’ll fucking do it.”

There was that tension between the two of you again, it wasn’t filled with hatred in the slightest, but there was so much unresolved shit that it might as well suffocate you if Eddie stepped any closer, it ached, making a way to your heart.

Three hours ago you wanted him out of your life, for good. Now, all you wanted to do was see him prove himself to you, it was stupid, psychotic, and maybe a little selfish. But you couldn’t help yourself when it’s him.

“You will?” You stammered, you didn’t fully know what that meant, but it was somehow making your heart jump knowing that maybe the notes still meant something. Maybe, just maybe he wanted you, still. Your forehead relaxed, and lips itched to curl into a smile.

And of fucking course, Eddie caught it. “Yes.” He said, all smugly, making you want to roll your eyes.

“G-good, uh, until then, I-I mean it, I don’t want to see you.” You shifted uncomfortably in your place, fully realizing how close he was to you, and it somehow brought confidence to Eddie.

He tssked, “Then you probably shouldn’t come to my door, then.” His nose scrunched sarcastically, eliciting an eye roll from you.

“Munson.” You warned.

“Pinky?”

“You really are infuriating.”

“Am I?” He tilted his head all adorably.

“Yes.”

“See you tonight, sweetheart.” He winked.

And you groaned with that, flipping him off while you hurried back to your car.

He closed the door with an amused smile, his nose scrunching as he replayed the conversation in his head.

“So you two good now?” Wayne’s grouchy tone almost had Eddie jump in place.

“Jesus Christ, Wayne! Were you just eavesdropping on our conversation?”

“What? You said y’all had the worst fight of your lives, that don’t seem like it to me.” He shrugged.

“We did— but uh, I don’t know, I just don’t know what the actual fuck is going with us, I thought I was dead to her but then she just barges in—”

“She cares about you, Eddie.” Wayne sighed.

“I know that girl like the palm of my hand, if you were dead to her, she wouldn’t even acknowledge you, just her bein’ a big fireball shows she still cares.”

Eddie sighed, “But she said—”

“Hell to what she said! Both of y’all are idiots when it comes to this, you go prove to her that you’re sorry, tell her how you feel and then you can thank me.” He exclaimed.

“But—”

“Boy, do what I told you, apologize to that sweet girl, and make sure you do it until she forgives you.” Eddie threw a look at Wayne.

And Wayne dismissed it with his finger pointing at him, “I mean it, Eddie, after all the shit you told me about what that little blondie did to my Pinky, you should be on your knees beggin’!”

“Okay, okay!” Eddie admitted the defeat.

“Jesus, old man, it wouldn’t hurt for you to just take your nephew’s side once in a while, would it?” He mocked dramatically.

He threw a daggering look at Eddie, “Fine, fine, I’ll apologize.” Wayne narrowed his gaze. “A proper apology.” Eddie muttered, almost embarrased. “And?” Wayne raised his brows. Eddie groaned loudly, “and I’ll tell her how I feel.”

✦ final authors note — okay i promise the next two chapters are going to be less angst-filled (like gonna be worth the wait i promiseee) 🤭 and yes the note was inspired by alex turner's letter to alexa chung okay!! reading that at like 13 altered my brain chemistry a LOT. anyway like i said pls leave some feedback i swear it motivates me a LOTTT. thank u for reading ilyy💗

#eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson series #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x fem!reader #rockstar!eddie munson #rockstar!eddie x reader #eddie munson #stranger things fanfic #getaway car #getaway car series

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jaykaysthicthighs · 1 year ago

Text

End Of The Love Story | JJK

banner by @archivededits via @archivedkookie <3

excerpt | you fell in love with the new kid in class. the love blossomed to something so beautiful and yet so destroying. you destroyed him. years later and you both finally crossed paths. will there ever be a chance for that love to grow again?

genre | major angst, slight smut, minor fluff

pairing | jeon jungkook x fem!reader

warnings | bartender!jungkook, rich!reader, flashbacks between past and present, arranged marriage, strong language, emotional breakdowns, smoking, short descriptive smut, reader & jungkook hurting a lot, bittersweet ending

wc | 12k +

notes | the story is unedited, but hopefully there isn't grammar mistakes

Eight years ago (the first meeting)

You watched as the small timid boy make his way next to you. When he fully sat down, you finally took a good look at him. He was beautiful. From his big doe eyes to his well-sculpted chin. He had a long nose, but kissable; lips that pout when not intended, pink and soft. He has a mole under his lips, a scar on his cheek, and his skin was -

"I'm sorry, is there something on my face?" The boy interrupted your train of thought. You blurted out, "No. I'm sorry, that I was staring at you. Didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable." The boy notices a tinge of red surfacing your cheeks. At that moment, embarrassment made a home in you. The boy reassured you that it was okay. He wondered about your name, “My name’s Jungkook. You?” With your cheeks still red, you answered, “____.” The boy smiled warmly at you, “____, that’s a pretty name.”

Your heart skipped a beat at the sudden action. You faced forward trying to redirect your attention to the teacher, but all you could think of was the smile the boy displayed; the dimples making their debut, and its bunny-like appearance.

Present

You were finally free. Free of this marriage that has been brought upon you. Just an hour or so ago you were Mrs. Boyce, now you're not. You have been waiting for this moment for so long, and it's finally done.

You were making your way to your car when someone pulled you aside. You came face to face with your ex-husband. "Mason, what's wrong?" The man let go of your arm and hugged you. He quietly murmured, "Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to hug you one last time before I go." Even though you despised this marriage, you never hated Mason, actually, he was your rock. All those nights, days, and moments you had wanting him, missing him, needing him, Mason was always there comforting you. Just like you, Mason hated this marriage.

You hugged Mason for the last time. Tears started welling up, and you sniffled to him, "Thank you so much, Mason. For being there for me when I had no one." He gave you a big squeeze for your welcome. A few seconds later, the hug ended. Mason placed his hands between your chilled face and expressed, "I'll always be there for you, ____. Not physically, but.... spiritually?" You had your head leaned back laughing at his confusion. "Please, don't be afraid to give me a call." You shook your head and gave him your response, "I won't. Be safe, Mason." Your ex-husband gave you his infamous grin. "Will do."

You're here in a club called Jessamine with your best friend Becky. She wanted to celebrate your freedom by trying to get you laid, and part of that plan was going to a club. She dressed you up in skimpy lingerie that could pass as a dress. The outfit barely covers your ass; one wrong move and you can flash the whole club. If it was your choice, a nice knee-high bodycon dress would be great, but things never work out in your favor.

About 30 minutes into dancing and all you wanted right now was a cold hard drink. You turned to Becky shouting your departure, "Beck, I'm gonna go get a drink!" Still dancing she gave you a thumbs up. "Try finding a hot man to fuck, babe!" You laughed sarcastically, "Yeah, sure."

This club was jammed packed, with no room for movement. You pushed and shoved your way through the crowd until you finally reached the bar. You sat between a woman who looked like she was in her 40s and the other who was accompanied by a man, probably a couple. A bartender came up to you; his figure was tall but lean, had a goatee, and green eyes. He was quite handsome to you.

The bartender plopped his hands on the ledge of the counter and inquired, "Is there anything I can get you, ma'am?" You gasped; you placed your hand to your heart, "Ma'am? Do I look old?" The man before you chuckled, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I didn't want to address you something that you might not like.... like pretty lady." You smile at the man and asked for his name. "Carter," he replied.

"Well Carter, I would like a Vodka Gimlet - if that's possible." The bartender straightened himself up and responded, "Don't worry it is." You smiled and watched the man get to work. A few moments later the bartender offered you your drink. "Thank you, Carter."

He gave you a nod and did a light slap on the counter. "Well, I'm gonna go on my break. If you need anything," the man pointed at the other bartender a few chairs away, "Teo, would be able to help you." You gave the man a thumbs up and said, "Okay. Thank you again, Carter." You watch the man make his way to the back door.

He swung the door open, startling two people. "What the fuck, Carter! I'm doing something here." Carter leaned against the brick wall and dug in his pocket and took out a cigarette. "Yeah, I can see that. Now do you have a light?" The man beside him groaned, "I hate you sometimes." He pushed the girl off of him signing her to go back inside. The man reached inside his back pocket and lit Carter's cigarette.

Carter inhaled the stick and let out a puff of smoke. He dropped his hand down and asked, "Who's the chick?" The man shrugged, "Don't know. Just grabbed the nearest girl and dragged her out here." A moment of silence was taken, the only sound heard was the busy streets at the front of the club.

The man pushed himself off the wall and made his way to the door, but before he had the chance to go back inside, Carter intervened, "Ah Jay, there's this hot chick at the bar. I don't know if she's taken or not, but she is by herself. Kind of thought you when I saw her." The man cocked his head to the side, "What are you saying?" Carter smirked at the man, "What I'm saying is that maybe you should try and get her number." The man opened his mouth to say something, but Carter stopped him, "If you're thinking about what she looks like, you'll know when you see her. Now get the fuck inside, your shift is starting."

The man grumbled at the thought of Carter. "Asshole. Fucking interrupting me." He sulked his way to the bar getting ready for his shift. Teo greeted him, giving the man a quick fist bump. He stationed himself and got ready to take a customer's order.

"Hello, sir. Anything I can get you?" And right before he could get the man's order, he heard a familiar laugh. He whipped his head in the direction of the sound, and his heart dropped. Just sitting a few chairs away was the woman who broke him.

He wanted to run, to hide, he would do anything to be away from you. He was frozen in fear, shaking from the inside out. "Hey!" The customer shouted, "Hello, are you listening? I want my fucking drink now!"

You heard the commotion a few feet away from you. And since you're human, you were curious. You turned your attention away from Becky and to the shouting. What you saw was something you didn't expect in a million years, Jeon Jungkook. The boy you fell in love with, the man you're still in love with.

You guys made eye contact; an unspeakable feeling of confusion running wild. You got up, ignoring the weird stare from Becky, but before making any movements toward Jungkook, he ran. You saw him run through the back door, pushing everybody without care.

Taking the first step to him, Becky uttered, "Where are you going?" She had her hand wrapped around your arm. You gently pushed them off and said, "I'll be right back." Before Becky had the chance to say something you speed walked your way to the door.

Just mere feet away from the exit, it swung open. Carter stepped into the club reeking of Tobacco. You were surprised by the sudden appearance. "Cater!" He gave a tight-lipped smile, wondering what you were doing back here. "Ma'am, you're not supposed to go back here."

As a response, you frantically explained, "I'm sorry. I'm very sorry, but someone I know went back here, and I haven't seen them in years." Carter furrowed his brows; he asked, "Do they work here?" You swallowed in some air and took a deep breath. "Umm... I think so. His name is Jungkook." Carter was getting confused by the second; he's never heard of that name before. He apologized, "I'm sorry, who?"

You were getting impatient with Carter. So, you pushed him aside, not caring about if you were being rude or not. You busted the door open and saw him crouched down with his face between his hands. The door slammed shut, startling you. You looked at the man in front of you with much sadness. With a heavy heart, you whispered, "Jungkook."

The screaming wind drowned out your voice, but even so, he heard. It's been two years since he last heard your voice, two years since he heard his name leave your lips. He slowly lifted his head up, and you saw his tear-stained face staring at you. Your heart stopped at the look he was giving you; hatred was all he was displaying. You wish to take all his pain and throw it at the nearest star, but you couldn't, especially since you were the cause of it.

Jungkook stood up, and you noticed how his build got bigger. He was definitely working out. You were never scared him, however, right now you were. He was not the same man as before - you know that, but you still hoped he hadn't changed.

Jungkook on the other hand, thought the opposite; you had gotten smaller. Not physically, but mentally. Your aura seemed scared and quiet, a complete 180 from before. He wanted to hold you - protect you, but he wouldn't. Jungkook could never forget what you did to him.

He laced his tongue with venom, and spat out, "Why the fuck are you here?" You flinched at his words. You deserve it - you know you deserve it, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Your heart started beating faster, and you tried controlling your breathing, but one could know that you were having a hard time keeping calm. You put your shaky hand to your heart and trembled, "I didn't know you worked here. I came here with my friend to celebrate."

Jungkook stayed quiet and you took that as a sign to continue on, "I came here to celebrate my divorce." Jungkook was taken aback by your sentence. Divorce... it ranged in his head. He'd never thought you would get a divorce. "You got a divorce?" You nodded shyly, "This morning actually. Everything was done and finalized this morning."

Jungkook gulped down some spit he didn't know he was harboring. He wanted to be happy, he was waiting for this moment, but he couldn't find it in himself to be. Jungkook took a few steps back, giving himself more space. You stood there watching him pondering his thoughts.

You took this time to fully analyze him. His hair was longer, reaching close to his shoulders, almost in a mullet style. Two piercings were placed on his face, and tattoos littered his right arm; knuckles all the way up to his shoulder. It's only been two years; how did his appearance change so much? Never once has Jungkook said anything about getting facial piercings or tattoos. At this moment, you wanted the old Jungkook back. You were selfish - so selfish; you have no right to think that, but you couldn't help it.

"Why'd you come here to celebrate? Ready to find a new man for you to break?" You scoffed at his questions, "Are you serious?" Jungkook knew he was being mean, but he didn't care. "Of course, I'm being serious. You broke it off with me easily, and then you got married - only for you to divorce two years later. And what's the first thing you do... you go to a fucking club! Single people go to clubs to get fucking drunk and sleep with people they don't even know."

You felt your heart swell with pain; you felt so offended. "Is that what you think I am? A slut?" Jungkook seemed unfazed by your pain. He shrugged his shoulders and remarked, "I don't know, it's been two years. You could be... I mean look at the fucking outfit you're wearing. It's like you're asking for it." You slapped him; you have never slapped Jungkook before. And without a second thought, your tears came streaming down. Jungkook watched you as you tried wiping them away. The tears and snot came running down; you were hiccupping and whimpering at the pain Jungkook shoved at you.

For a split second, Jungkook regretted his words, but he shook off the thought. If he was a monster, his only reason would be that you made him into one.

Still crying, you bellowed out, "Yeah, you're right! It has been two years. Because in just that period, you've become someone unrecognizable! An asshole!" You dropped down to the cold and dirty concrete floor and wailed. You didn't care if people were to hear you; you didn't care if people thought you were crazy. All that you could care for, and feel was the immense agony shooting throughout your body. "And to think I still love you!"

Jungkook felt himself staggering; he was angry about what you said. He growled out, "Love? You say you love me, but you left me! You left our relationship! You left everything! You left our five years of love so quickly... so easily. I have every right to be a fucking asshole, ____! I fought for us when you didn't."

You shot your head up, and yelled, "You're wrong!" Jungkook started laughing. He bent down to your level and challenged you. "I'm wrong?" You threatened back, "You're wrong. I did fight for us." You sent glares at Jungkook, as he did too. No words were exchanged, but the spitefulness radiated off of each other.

A few seconds later, Jungkook got up. He looked down at you and decided, "I'm not gonna fight with you. Everything that has happened is in the past." He started making his way to the door, but before he placed his hand on the knob, he added, "But know this, ____, you're fucking dead to me." And with that, he left you alone on the cold April night.

Seven years ago (the confession)

Jungkook was sitting in his car, waiting patiently for your tutoring to end. He had his head resting on the steering wheel contemplating whether he should tell you his feelings or not. He's been thinking about it for three weeks and thought today is the day, but like a lot of people, he has the last-minute jitters.

When the anxiety became unbearable, Jungkook stepped out of his car to take a breath of fresh air. He took deep breaths to calm his racing heart. He dug in his pocket to check the time on his phone; four more minutes till you're out. He spent the next minute stretching for reasons he doesn't know. When he got back in the car, he downed the leftover water from earlier and threw the empty plastic in the back.

A few moments later and you were finally exiting the school, along with a few other people. Jungkook watched the way you smiled at the girl next to you, deep in the conversation. It made his heart warm seeing you smile.

You made your way to his car, exhaling the tiredness from today. You swiftly turned your body to give Jungkook a hug. With your body fully back on the seat, you sighed, "Thank you, Jungkook, for picking me up." He gave you a small smile, "No worries." You buckled yourself, ready to be taken home, but you noticed that Jungkook hadn't made the slightest move to leave. "Jungkook, are you okay?" He turned to you and whispered, "I umm... have something I want to say to you."

You got a little worried that something might've happened. "What is it? Are you okay?" Jungkook shook his head at your questions; he informed, "I'm okay. Nothing to worry about," he took a deep breath and continued, "I have just been feeling something for a while now, and I thought today should be a good time to tell you." You gave Jungkook a look to tell him to continue.

When Jungkook opened his mouth, all that came out was a shaky breath. He brought his head down from embarrassment, "I'm sorry." You giggled at his nervousness. You grabbed his hands and assured him, "It's okay. Take all the time you need." Jungkook took another deep breath, and screwed his eyes shut, scared of what facial expression you were to make; he admitted, "____, I like you... like really like you." You let go of Jungkook's hands, causing his eyes to open. He spouts out, "It's fine if you can't replicate my feelings back! I just don't wan-"

You grabbed Jungkook's face between your hands and cut him off with a kiss, and just as quickly you pulled apart. Jungkook was in a state of shock, he didn't know what happened, or why it happened. Since your hands still held Jungkook's face, you gently caressed his cheeks to bring him back down to earth. You softly spoke, "I can replicate your feelings back. I like you, Jungkook - possibly even more than you do."

Jungkook's eyes bugged out from your confession. Never in a million years would he think you had feelings for him. He pointed to himself, "Me? You like me?" You took your hands off his face and waved them around, "I like you, Jungkook! Ever since you transferred to my class, I have liked you severely. Was my kiss not obvious?" Jungkook starts chuckling at the turn of events; he rubbed his face and said, "I'm sorry, I just... Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think this would happen?" You smiled at his words, "Neither did I."

You guys got quiet, the awkward tension swimming throughout the car. Jungkook took the initiative to cut the tension, "Well," he kissed his teeth, "Since we like each other, we should kiss... again." You have never smiled more widely until today. "It's your turn to kiss me, Jungkook."

He gently took his hands to hold your face, and slowly but surely, he closed the gap. Your lips brushed against his, in a teasing manner. Jungkook didn't want to waste any more time, so he crashed his lips to yours. You guys kissed ever so slowly; reeling in the feeling of being wanted. You were the one to pull away first; you breathlessly spoke, "God, how can you hold your breath for that long?"

Jungkook chuckled at your question. He leaned his forehead to yours, staring deeply into your eyes. He feels like he could get lost in them and he wouldn't mind. He whispered, "I like you, ____." You gave him another kiss, and responded, "As do I, Jungkook."

Present

It's been a week since the event with your ex-boyfriend. It took you a fat minute to go back inside. When you did, you tried your hardest to avoid Jungkook, but of course, since he worked there avoiding him was not possible. Carter, on the other hand, went up to you, asking if you were okay, but you shrugged him off. You reached Becky demanding that you wanted to go home; she complied with your request.

Here you are with Becky out on your terrace smoking. You used to hate the idea of smoking, the burning sensation, the horrible smell of Tobacco, but since the break-up with Jungkook, you fell down the rabbit hole of cigarettes. You used to smoke one pack every two days, but it subsided to one pack a week.

Right now, you were feeling very serene. The cold harsh wind screaming in your ears, it was burning your eyes, and stabbing your skin; it felt nice. It made you forget the pain you were feeling inside. Becky was talking to you, but her voice went in one ear and out the other. You were just focusing on letting yourself get lost in this freezing pain. The only time you felt alive was when you suffer. You think to yourself that this is what you deserve, that everything you did should come back to you ten times worse.

Becky was getting concerned about your lack of attention. She was talking about how horrible the weather was right now; she expected your usual sarcastic remark, but you didn't give any. She turned to you, analyzing the way you were engulfed in this harsh weather. She saw the way you stared blankly with your teary eyes at the busy city. She saw the little goosebumps littering your skin. Your hair blowing in every direction, not caring for the tangles it's making. The firing cigarette getting close to your fingers. She saw nothing but a shell of her best friend.

Becky hadn't known you for very long, two years to be exact. She was Mason's coworker; they were in the same law firm. You met her when you were visiting Mason one day, and from then on, she became your best friend. She gets worried about you, knowing that the majority of your pain consists of your broken love. Becky only knows briefly about what happened that night; she wanted to know more, but she respects your boundaries, so, she never pushed the topic.

Becky tapped your shoulder, lightly shouting so you can hear her voice in the loud wind. "____, your cigarette is about to be out! Throw it away and let's get back inside!" You blinked away your tears, and promptly threw your cigarette in the ashtray.

"What the fuck! You wasted a good piece of cigarette, Jay." Jungkook just waved off Cater's complaint. "Yeah, whatever. I don't give a shit. It's mine, not yours." Jungkook and Carter were seated in the clubs' break room. Their shifts usually started at the same time, so they always take their breaks together.

Ever since that night, Jungkook has been on edge. He thought that you had moved away, but since his encounter with you, he's now rethinking that you hadn't left at all. Seeing you definitely brought back memories that Jungkook tried so hard to avoid. The pain you had caused resurfaced and immersed his heart with agony. Right when he thought he finally healed, your pretty face came and ripped off his band-aid.

Carter interrupted Jungkook's train of thought. "Damn, Jay. Crankier than usual?" Instead of responding back, Jungkook threw his head back on the leather couch. He didn't really have the energy to converse with Carter. If he didn't have work, he would've spent a year hiding out in his apartment avoiding everyone and everything, but he didn't have that luxury.

Carter was very persistent in making conversation. "So, Jungkook is your real name? And you didn't think of telling me? Your best friend?" Jungkook swiftly raised his head at Carter's question. He remarked, "Don't fool yourself, Carter. We're not friends." Carter felt hurt by Jungkook's words but choose not to show it. Jungkook continued, "The reason why I didn't tell you my name was because I didn't want to be tied down to my past."

"Past?" Carter questioned. Jungkook dug in his pocket for another cigarette to smoke. He lit it up and took a hit. "I never really cared for my name. I didn't really like it, but I didn't really hate it. It wasn't until this girl came along that I started loving my name - only when she said it. Hearing my name leave her lips made my stomach do flips. One day she ended things, and my name just started to sound horrible to hear. So, that's why I changed it to, Jay."

Everything stayed quiet after Jungkook's confession. Carter didn't know what to say. He wanted to lighten up the mood and make Jungkook slightly happy, but he was scared that whatever left his mouth, the man in front of him would shoot him the meanest glare, and Carter was a sensitive man.

Minutes go by until their shift starts. Before exiting, Carter wanted to say at least something to the broken man. He halted Jungkook's walking, placing a hand on his shoulder. Jungkook turned to Carter with a puzzled look. Carter spoke, "Jay's not a bad name. I quite like the name." Jungkook gave Carter a tight-lipped smile and nodded. He left the break room with a lone Carter inside.

Seven years ago (the first night)

You had arrived at Jungkook's house for a sleepover. You and Jungkook have been dating for seven months, and he thought today was the day you could finally stay over at his house. You actually wanted to stay over at his early on in the relationship, but Jungkook informed you that he wasn't ready yet. Jungkook wanted things to go nice and slow; he was afraid that if things were to be rushed everything would fall apart. You understood his reasons; you took things nice and slow just like he wanted.

You entered his house; it was small but cozy. His house felt like a home, just the feeling the house gives makes you feel at peace. You looked around the place, admiring the family pictures, drawings, and even the little trinkets displayed on top of the T.V. Everything insight made your heart warm.

Jungkook on the other hand, was nervous. He knows that his place is far more different than yours. You had been born with a silver spoon in your mouth; everything was handed to you, even without asking. As he watched you look around the place, Jungkook was sweating profusely. He was scared that you would leave him because of how poor he was compared to you.

Jungkook trembled, "I know this isn't much. I know how ugly this is to you, but I hope that you won't leave me." You flipped towards your boyfriend. You were flabbergasted that he would think that. Everything that he had said was the opposite of what you were thinking. You threw yourself on his soft brown couch cuddling with one of the throw pillows. Jungkook walked in front of you, and you gave him a bright smile.

You chuckled, "Babe, this house is beautiful, not ugly. It isn't much but it's definitely something amazing." You grabbed his arms, discarding the pillow, and pulled him towards you. "I could never leave you because of how much or little money you have. Jungkook, I'm with you because of who you are. And you are someone worth treasuring." Jungkook's heart has never felt so full. He kissed your forehead, "My heart is full of you, I can't even call it my own."

As your response, you gently grabbed his face and kissed like it was the last. He held your waist and gripped you closer to him. There was no room in between you two. Things started escalating when you began unbuttoning Jungkook's shirt. He pulled away the second he felt your fingertips brush against his chest. You were startled by the action; you felt that you had done something bad.

You felt your eyes slightly tear up, but Jungkook was quick to assure you that it was nothing wrong. "Baby, don't be sad. I just think that we shouldn't be doing this in the living room." At first, you were confused by his statement, but then your eyes lit up by his meaning. You blushed and Jungkook smiled at your cheeks. "Let's take this in my bedroom, yeah?" You had never nodded your head this hard until right now.

Jungkook chuckled at your cuteness; you never fail to make him smile. He picked you up like you weighed nothing. You wrapped your legs around his torso, and your arms around his neck. Jungkook had his hands resting on the bottom of your ass, keeping you in place. He marched his way to his room, all while keeping his eyes on yours. You would usually feel nervous about the intense eye contact, but at this moment you were too lost in his big brown eyes. He looked at you with so much longing, and you loved that feeling.

Once he reached his room, Jungkook placed you on the bed and said, "I am so glad my parents aren't here today." He climbed on top of you, caging you in between his toned arms. "So, don't be quiet for me. Never be quiet for me." You were stunned by the words that had left your boyfriends' lips. It was like a different person entered his body. It was hard to muster any type of word, so you just nodded.

Jungkook can see that you were speechless by his behavior. He was actually having fun doing this to you. He wanted to push you even further, so, Jungkook slipped his hand underneath your shirt and inside your bra to lightly brushed his fingers on your hard bud. He saw your mouth go agape; he ordered, "Use your words, baby. I wanna hear you." You can see the mischievous glint along with lust swimming in his eyes. You cleared your throat and shakingly said, "I won't be quiet for you. I'll let you hear all of me."

Jungkook smirked, "That's my girl." He dived his head to your neck and sucked your soft skin. The hand that had brushed against you was now needing the plump area. "Ahh... babe." you moaned at the sensation. Jungkook unclasped his mouth from your neck, admiring the painting he had done. He licked the area grinning. When he had lifted his head back, he already saw the dazed look on your face.

Jungkook caressed your cheeks tenderly. "Why do you already look a bit fucked out, babe? I haven't done anything yet?" You grabbed a hold of his shirt and said, "It feels good." Jungkook chuckled. God, you were too adorable. You tried unbuttoning his shirt again, but Jungkook just swiftly took it off. You straight away raked your fingers along his abs. The feathering touch made Jungkook lightly flex his abs. "Aren't you a little horny?" You blushed from embarrassment at his words. You pinched his skin, "Shut up."

Jungkook grabbed a hold of your arms and placed them above your head. "Spread your legs, baby." And like a dog, you did what you were told. You watched Jungkook position himself between your legs; he was slowly grinding against your clothed pussy. You bite your lip, containing your moans. Jungkook saw the way you try quieting yourself. He released one of his hands away from your pinned arms, dragging your bottom lip down with his thumb. He groaned at you, "____, I said to never be quiet for me. So, stop biting your lips and moan for me, baby."

You released one sinful moan for your lover. He wasn't even inside you yet, but you already felt like cumming. Jungkook fully let go of your arms, and instead, he ripped open your shirt. You gasped at the action, "Jungkook! Babe, I liked that shirt." Jungkook unhooked your bra and threw it on the floor. "I'll buy your another one, baby. Now lift up your hips." You really didn't know what it was, but every time Jungkook demanded something, you would always be compliant.

He took off your shorts along with your underwear, and just like your bra, he discarded them on the floor. You laid bare in front of Jungkook's eyes. You looked ethereal to him like you were an angel living down on earth. Your hair was sprawled out on his sheets, your skin shining even though there was no sun, your legs wide open giving him a view of your pretty pussy, your breasts laid beautifully on your chest, and your face stared back at him with devotion. They say that nothing in this world is perfect, but to Jungkook you were the definition of prefect.

You stared at him while he took off his pants. You saw the outline of his thick cock, bulging on his boxers. You couldn't tear your eyes away; Jungkook noticed. He grabbed one of your hands and placed it on his hard-on, gently rubbing himself on your hand. Jungkook exhaled and said, "You feel how hard I am for you, baby?" You licked your lips and meekly whispered, "Yes."

He placed your hand back by your side and bent down to you. His lips hovering above yours. "Tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it." You lifted up your pelvis, it was your turn to grind yourself on his clothed cock. You breathlessly spoke, "I want you to fuck me, but I want it slow." Jungkook groaned at your words.

He slipped out of his boxers and his cock sprung free. It hit you right on your clit, making you jolt. Before Jungkook could continue, he reached behind you, and right beside his bed was a small dresser. He dug into one of the drawers and pulled out a condom. Jungkook took off the plastic and tapped the rubber piece on your lips. He grinned, "Do you wanna put this on me, babe?"

You sat up and took the condom from your boyfriend. You had your eyes locked on his cock. It might've been weird to voice out, but Jungkook's cock was really pretty. His shaft was slightly lighter than his skin, and his tip was pretty pink. You could see the feint veins that circled his member, and he wasn't hairy, just a slightly shaven area that resided on top. You could see some pre-cum leaking out of him. He was pretty thick and long, you would've guessed him to be around eight inches.

You swallowed some air before you proceeded. You took him in one of your hands and placed the rubber on his tip. You tried sliding it down, but since your hand was too shaky it kept coming back up. Jungkook had seen your nervousness. He gently grabbed your hand, and he worried to you, "Need help, baby?"

You shot up at him and quickly replied, "No!" In the midst of your answer, you had gripped your boyfriend too hard. "Shit, babe! Not too hard, please?" You were quick to release him from the stronghold. You apologized, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I-I don't need help. I can do this." Jungkook nodded and copied back, "You can do this."

You tried sliding the condom back down again, and thankfully this time it stayed in place. You smiled at Jungkook like a kid who aced their pop quiz. He chuckled, "God, ____. Can you get any cuter?"

Jungkook looped one arm around your torso, slowly bringing you back down on the bed. He positioned himself back between your legs again and gently slid his cock between your folds. His movement sent tidal waves through your body. You moaned out, "Fuck, Jungkook. It feels good, but I want you in me." Jungkook placed his cock right at your entrance. He said, "If it hurts tell me, okay? I'll go slow like you want." You nodded.

You hugged your boyfriend readying yourself. Jungkook had licked his fingers, lubing you up. He slowly entered you, feeling your warm walls caging him tightly. Your arms around Jungkook tightened. It didn't hurt having him inside you. You have a dildo, so the feeling was nothing new. But this was your first time having other than a toy inside you. You softly moaned once he was fully inside, Jungkook as well. His mouth was right next to your ear. When you heard him groan it made your mind hazy.

"Am I hurting you, baby?" You shook your head at his question, but Jungkook wanted words. "I need to hear you say it." You murmured your words lowly, "No, you're not hurting me."

"I'm gonna move now, alright?"

"Alright."

Jungkook started slipping in and out of you. You created wetness, making it easier for him to not hurt you. It felt nice, but you wanted him to go deeper. You rasped out, "Deeper, Jungkook. I want it deeper." And that's what he did. Jungkook had reached deeper inside you, hitting your G-spot. Your body thrust up, touching your boyfriends' chest. "Shit!" you cried out.

Jungkook smirked to himself. Seeing you like this, only wanted him to go harder - faster. Placing you back down, he grunted, "Baby, can I go faster? Please?" You wanted to please your boyfriend like he was doing to you. So, you agreed.

Jungkook lifted up his body and moved you to the edge of the bed. With him standing, he placed your legs straight on his chest. He held your thighs with a firm grip and started thrusting you at a fast pace. Your body started moving up and down, your breasts doing the same.

The room echoed with the slapping of your guy's skin. You watched Jungkook as he fucked you. His head was leaned back; he was immersed in the pleasure. Jungkook was so glad that you are his first. He read online that having sex with someone feels so good, but to him, you felt like heaven.

Jungkook brought back down his head and snuggled between your legs. He rubbed his cheek along your calf. He beamed at you, "You're so precious, baby. So precious." You mimicked back his smile.

Jungkook went back to fucking you, never slowing down his pace. You gripped the sheets of his bed when you started to feel your high coming. Jungkook felt you holding his member hard, not letting him breathe. But he took it as a sign to go faster. When your high reached you, you jerked your body up, your body quivering. You moaned his name repeatedly. You never felt this much pleasure until now. Jungkook sure knows how to make you feel like you were in another world.

Jungkook watched as your body shook. He loved that he was the reason for your undoing. When your high came down, you thought that you guys would be done, but Jungkook had other plans. You gave your boyfriend a puzzling look when you felt that he was still in you. Jungkook cocked his head to the side, "Did you think it was over? Baby, I haven't even cummed yet." Your eyes bugged out.

Just as you were about to say something, Jungkook fucked you hard. He took your breath by surprise. You had just came, so when Jungkook added more pleasure to your sensitive cunt, you couldn't help but cry. You tried telling him to stop or slow down, but you could barely muster up any words.

Jungkook felt himself almost there. With one more thrust, he dropped your legs and collapsed on top of you, riding out his climax. His lips were right next to your ear; he was groaning out incoherent words. You both were out of breath, giving yourselves some time to be composed.

When you guys were finally calm, Jungkook pulled out of you. He discarded his filled condom in the trash. He gently pulled you up and asked, "Do you want to bathe together?" You smiled widely; you answered his question with a nod. You were about to walk with him to the bathroom, but Jungkook noticed your legs slightly trembling, so he picked you up bridal style.

You giggled at his action, holding him tight as he walked. When you made it into the bathroom, Jungkook sat you down on the closed toilet. You got worried that you might dirty it. "Wait, Jungkook, I don't think I should sit here. I don't want to dirty your toilet." Jungkook playfully scoffed at your concern. While he went to run the warm water, he shrugged, "It's fine if you dirty the toilet, babe. I can always clean it."

Minutes go by and the tub was finally filled. Jungkook carefully placed you in the tub. "Is the water warm for you?" You nodded your head and then urged him to get inside with you. Jungkook sat behind you; your back rested against his chest. You closed your eyes, letting yourself get lost in the warm and safe atmosphere. Jungkook looked down at you admiring your beauty. He could never get tired of looking at you. You captivated him, and he wasn't complaining.

Jungkook raked his fingers along your stomach; his head rested in the crook of your neck, breathing you in. With your eyes still closed, you spoke out, "You know, they say that a home is a place, but I don't think that's true." You opened your eyes and faced your lover. "Because I found a home in you; you're my home, Jungkook."

Jungkook buried his head deeper in your neck. He rarely blushes, but right now his face was painted bright red. He gave himself a minute to calm his beating heart. When he lifted up his head, he found that you had your eyes closed again. "____?" he called out. You responded to him with a little hum.

Jungkook took a deep breath in and a deep breath out and confessed, "I love you." Your eyes shot open, and you looked at him. Jungkook repeated, "I love you, ____. Every fiber of my being calls for you. My need for you is so strong, that I don't know what I'll do without you." You felt yourself crying, your body trembling. Jungkook wrapped his arms around you; he thought that what he had said made you sad. "____, I'm sorry. Please, don't cry."

You shook your head. You weren't crying because of what he had said, but because you were so happy. You were filled with so much joy and love. You sniffled to him, "I'm not crying because of something bad. I'm crying because you're making me so happy. I'm so happy, Jungkook." You wiped your tears away and grabbed his face. You admitted, "And I love you so much.”

Present

"I would like the veggie wrap, but please don't put in the bell peppers. And some sweet tea - no ice. Thank you." Becky handed her menu to the young waitress. "Ma'am, is there anything I can get you?" The girl had her attention switched to you. Getting ready to write, you gave her your answer, "I'll have the same, but I want the bell peppers put in. And for the drink, I'll just have plain water." The girl collected your menu and gave a curt nod.

After she left Becky spoke out, "I talked to Mason yesterday. ____, he's worried about you. You haven't texted or called him since the divorce. He's wondering if you're okay." You did a deep sigh. You didn't mean to make him worry; you just have a lot on your mind right now. You exhaled, "I'm okay, alright." Becky advised, "I'm not the one you should be answering to. If you claim to be okay, then call Mason and tell him." You nodded your head, not saying anything further.

Becky could see that you're not really here; your mind is someplace else. Ever since that night, you've been more closed off than usual. It's sometimes hard to make conversations with you since all you give is short direct answers. You were always pretty open with Becky, proud to say she knows about ninety percent of you. But recently, Becky has been left in the dark about your feelings.

She worried to you, "____, I want you to know that I'm here... that I'm not some stranger. You can talk to me." You stared at your best friend; you can see the worriedness in her beautiful face. You're definitely not doing a good job of making the people who care about you feel calm. You were ready to talk to Becky, but then the young waitress came up and brought the food. "Here's the wrap with no bell peppers for you," She gave Becky her food, and then you, "Here's your wrap with bell peppers. And your guy's drinks." Once she placed everything down, she added, "If you need anything just call me." And with that, the girl left.

Becky had noticed that you were about to say something. "What were you going to say, ____?" You begged, "Can we talk about this after we finished eating, Beck? Please?" Becky didn't want to push your buttons, so, she agreed to continue the conversation later.

Around thirty minutes later, you and Becky finished your lunch. You guys were now entering your car with a full stomach. Once you guys had your seatbelts buckled, you pulled out of the parking lot. The vehicle was silent, just a whispered voice singing through the stereo.

"Let's go to a park." Becky had broken the silence with her suggestion. You slightly turned your eyes to your best friend. "A park?" you questioned. Becky replied with a yes. With your eyes back on the road, you took some time thinking about the reason for the random pop-up. Then you remembered what you said at the restaurant. "To talk?" your voice laced with caution. Becky replied with another yes. You sucked in your cheeks and nodded. "Sure, why not."

You two arrived at a random park. The area didn't have a lot of people, which for you was great. You put your car in park and pumped up the air conditioning. It was silent yet again. Becky wanted to speak up, but she also wanted you to open up to her on your own. You were trying to figure out what to say to Becky without sounding incoherent. It took a minute before words left your mouth.

"Remember how I said I saw my ex that night?" Beck nodded her head. You continued, "Well, ever since that night I've been feeling lost... or I guess confused - I don't really know how to describe it. But seeing him made my heart swell with longing, but he was not the same as before. What happened that night rearranged my view - my feelings into something unbearable. The more I think about it, the more I know that I'm the reason for this pain. This feeling... it's like it's growing bigger, and it fills my heart with ache. I feel like I'm gonna be gone if these feelings keep being bottled."

Becky furrowed her brows; she was confused by your last sentence. "What do you mean 'gone', ____?" You gulped down some spit, "I mean that if I keep feeling like this, my sense of warmth might be extinguished." Becky's heart broke hearing her best friend say that she might lose any type of love. You've always been there for her, even when you were at your lowest. Becky said something that she might hope will help you. "Maybe you should try talking to him. Find some closure, ____."

You dropped your head to the steering wheel and gripped the sides. You shook your head at your friend's request; you explained, "I can't talk to him, Beck. You know, the last thing he said to me that night was that I was dead to him." You faced Becky. "Beck, he hates me... deeply. And I can't blame him, 'cause I hate myself too."

Becky turned her body completely towards you. She didn't want you to think badly about yourself. "____, don't say that." Just like Becky, you turned your body as well. Your frustration was building. "What am I supposed to say then, Becky? It's my fault that things are like this." Your voice started rising up, "It's my fault that we're broken! If you were there that day, Beck, you would've hated me as well."

Tears started freely flowing down. You grabbed your shirt and cried, "You didn't see the way his face looked when I told him that I accepted the marriage. You didn't feel the want in his hug - in his kiss when he begged for me to stay. You didn't hear the pain in his voice when he told me that I broke him. Becky, I left him alone and broken. I destroyed him. So, please... don't tell me that I shouldn't have said what I have said."

Becky hugged you the minute you ended your sentence. Her tears silently fell, while yours were loud and clear. Becky felt her shirt dampen, but she didn't care. You had wrapped your arms around your best friend tightly, holding on to her while you poured out your pain. You choked out, "I tried telling my parents that I didn't want this. I tried, Becky, I tried." Becky gently petted your hair and said, "I know, ____."

A Few minutes go by, and your crying had subsided. You pulled away from Becky and grabbed some tissues that were placed in the cup holder. You wiped your face from all the tears and snot. Becky softly rubbed your eyes and calmly said, "I wasn't there, so because of that I don't hate you. And if I was there, I still wouldn't have hated you, ____. Even though you couldn't stop your parents, you were still strong enough to try. That itself tells me how much you love this man. I know that I'll probably never be able to understand this pain, but one thing I do understand is the unbelievable love one person can have for the other. ____, this type of love is so powerful, it can heal the weak, but it can also destroy the strong. I know you said that you can't talk to him, but I think you should. If you don't... this feeling will keep being bottled - and just like you said, you'll be gone. I don't want that. So, just try talking to him."

Two years ago (the break up)

You had just gotten done having the meeting of your life with your parents. The discussion for an arranged marriage for you has been brought forth a week ago. Your parents wanted to expand their company by joining another company that was owned by their friends. They thought that marrying you with Mason would bring more publicity and fortunes to their companies. Your parents had known that you were already in a relationship, but they're the type of parents that don't care for their kids' opinions or feelings.

When they had announced that they were going to be marrying you, you shot them down the second the words had left their mouths. You left the room not giving them any time to say something back to you. You didn't want to hear it. That day, you held off on telling Jungkook about your parent's announcement. You had thought that they would respect your decision not to go through with this marriage. You thought that the discussion would end and there would be no reason to tell Jungkook, until today.

Your parents had called you to their office, and right when you entered the room, they dropped the bomb and told you that having this marriage is inevitable. You tried convincing them that this is not what you want, that you are happy with your life; loving and having Jungkook is all you want, but they didn't care. The only thought they had in their mind was strengthening their company. The debate went on for so long, with you crying and your parent's shouting.

They told you that if you didn't go through with this, they wouldn't hesitate on making Jungkook's life hell, starting with deporting his father. You called their bluff, telling them that they're not that cruel, but once they had ICE on call you were forced to agree. Your parents had a satisfying smirk knowing that their plan was working. You had gone up to your parents, wanting to physically hurt them, but your father beat you to it. He had slapped you right across the face, and even more, he did not hold back on giving you a right hook on your stomach. Your mother had a displeasing look on her face when you spat out vulgar words at them.

You ran out of their building to find sanctuary in your car. You didn't cry because of the pain your parents inflicted on you; you were crying because you were now going to be tied to someone who wasn't the love of your life; Jungkook. It took you a few minutes to calm down your breathing, and your crying, but once you did, you texted Jungkook that you were going to drive to his place for something important.

Jungkook got a bit nervous with your message; he tried calling you to see if you were okay, but you didn't answer. You didn't want him to hear the choked pain in your voice.

Here you are driving to your boyfriend's apartment, with blurry eyes. You know that driving in this state is unsafe, but you didn't care. You were lucky to have not run over any red lights or gotten pulled over for speeding. You pulled up to your boyfriend's apartment unscathed and without any tickets. You saw Jungkook pacing around his front door with a worried expression.

When he spotted you, he ran to your car door and hugged you. He expressed, "Baby, why weren't you answering my calls? I was worried about you." You couldn't speak; your body frozen was in panic. Jungkook noticed; he tried picking you up, but your legs collapsed on top of each other. He bent down to check for any injuries. Jungkook searched your body, and then he came across your face.

He let out a short breath, "____, your face! Your cheek! Baby, what happened?" You rasped out, "Can we take this inside? Please?" Instead of answering, Jungkook carefully picked you up and helped you to his apartment. He sat you down on his little sofa, with him going to the kitchen to get you an ice pack.

Your boyfriend returned and placed the cold pack on your bruising cheek. He wanted to question why you needed to talk, why you looked like you'd been crying so much, why your cheek is bruising, but he didn't want to bombard you with so many questions. He wanted you to talk to him when you were calm and ready.

You were trying to think of ways to break down the marriage to him, but no matter how you were to say it, you know that Jungkook would be hurt. Your head was down, but you could feel the anxious stare your boyfriend was giving you. You tried mustering up some words to say, but all that came out was unstable breaths.

Seeing you in this state had Jungkook on edge. He's never seen you like this before, and it quite terrifies him. Seeing you made his heart churn with indescribable panic. All that he could do was hold you, waiting for your mind to be steady.

The clock kept ticking and you still hadn't said anything. You just stared at the floor, with nothing but fidgeting eyes. Jungkook was a patient man, but in this scenario, he was feeling a bit restless. Jungkook tried speaking up, "Babe, ar-" You cut him off, blurting out your proclamation, "I'm getting married."

Jungkook's whole world stopped when those words left your mouth; he felt his heart drop. He stood up and raked his fingers through his hair. You were still seated, watching your boyfriend getting stressed. Your body was still, but you felt your tears slowly fall. The moment you said the words, you knew, you knew that everything was will never be the same.

Jungkook's heart was racing faster than the speed of light. His body felt cold, like what you had said dumped ice all over him. He couldn't control his breathing; his chest heaving up and down in a disbelief manner. He turned to you, catching sight of your broken spirit. He would usually hug you - comfort you, but all he wanted to do right now is ask you, his questions. Jungkook shakingly said, "Are you serious? 'Cause if you're playing with me right now, ____, I'll forgive you. We can move on with this horrible joke of yours." He tired laughing, hoping that you were joking.

You faced back down on the floor; your tears making it hard to see anything. With his question, you shyly nodded your head. You heard Jungkook release a pain exhale. You could feel the pain steaming off of him. You didn't want to lift your head; you were scared of the sight you might see.

You heard Jungkook gasping for air like he was finding it hard to function. You tried muffling your sobs that were escaping, but it didn't work. Jungkook demanded, "Look at me, ____." You couldn't. How could you? After what you said, you don't have the strength to face him. He demanded again, "____, look at me." this time you can hear the plead in his voice.

You lift your head, hating the sight you were seeing. The one person who you never wanted to hurt, showed a face full of agony. You did this to him. Your tears were now rapidly flowing; you tried wiping them away, but they did not prevail.

Jungkook didn't know why you were hurting. He had every reason to feel like this, but you? His voice rasped out his questions, "W-was it me? Did I do something wrong? Wa... was I not good enough for you, ____?" You vigorously shook your head. All his questions were far from it. "Then why?" Jungkook gripped his shirt; his voice was rising. He cried to you, "Why a-are you doing this to me? Did you have a relationship with this guy, and you didn't tell me? Is-is that the reason you're marrying him and not me?"

You stood up quickly, crying to him that his questions were not the reason. He repeated, "Then why?" You couldn't tell him why. You didn't want him to know, because if you did, you knew that he would tell you not to worry about him. He would tell you that you guys can fight through this, but he doesn't know your parents. The vile things they can do to him and his parents. So, you left that part out, "My parents want to wed me with a friend's son to bring more success to both companies."

Jungkook nodded his head, feeling somewhat hopeful that you didn't agree; your parents just told you, you were getting married. "Okay, this was all your parents. Baby, just decline them and then we can go back to normal." You saw him optimistically smile. You wished that was the case; you wished it was that easy. You brokenly said, "No, Jungkook. It was my decision... I accepted the marriage."

Jungkook cried yet again. Why would he think that? Stupid! He felt stupid. "Why would you accept it? You're not happy with me, are you?" You told him a white lie, "I think that as their daughter, I need to do this." Jungkook shook his head, not believing you. "What about what you want? ____, I thought that what we have is everything and more, but you seem so willing to let go of our five years. Is this truly what you want?"

You wanted to say no. You wanted to be with him forever; that this marriage is not what you want, but the words got stuck in your throat. You didn't know what to say. Jungkook knows you like the back of his hand; he could see the hesitation; he could see your body frozen in contemplation. He knows deep down that you don't want this. So, why are you doing this?

Jungkook walked towards you, holding you tenderly in his arms. Dipping his head to the crook of your neck, breathing you in like always. "____, stay with me." Your eyes were hurting from all the crying, but you couldn't help it. Jungkook felt your body tremble; he felt your tears sliding down your face, down your neck, and onto his face, it only made him hold you tighter. He felt himself crying just as hard as you. "Stay with me, ____." He let you go, only for him to cup your face, and give you a passionate kiss. "Please, baby. I need you to stay with me. Can you stay with me?"

You could feel the want in his hug - in his kiss, but you couldn't - you wouldn't drag him down, because of your love. You didn't want him and his parents to suffer because of you. You saw his eyes begging you to say yes. You know that your answer was going to hurt him, but rather this than the long-suffering pain he would feel to lose his father. Pushed him off of you, and you let out a strangled sob. You saw pain taking hold of him. You wailed, "I can't... I won't stay with you, Jungkook. I could never forgive myself if I did."

You saw him clutch a part of his shirt where his heart was. You heard him whimpering. Jungkook hiccupped, "____, please don't do this. We can be together. Your parents - your husband won't have to know." Jungkook knew he was being pathetic; begging you like this, but he would go to any length if it meant that you'll stay with him. "I don't want you to leave me. I love you."

Your face scrunched up, trying to contain the pain you were feeling. His words sent an ache through your heart. You wished everything was that easy. You didn't want Jungkook to love a horrible person like you; a person who would lie to him, a person who would tear him piece by piece. The only way to make him hate you is to say the impossible, "These past six years spent with you, were everything and more. But I don't love you anymore, Jungkook. It's time we took our separate paths."

Jungkook felt himself die inside. He was shaking his head, trying to deny your words, but you sound so convincing. If he knew that this type of pain was to happen, he would've never confessed his feelings to you. The one person who he tied himself with, the one person who he gave his whole heart, the one person who he loved broke him. He whispered to you, "You absolutely broke me, ____. Destroyed me." He didn't spare you a glance; he walked to his front door, opened it, and yelled, "Get the fuck out of my house, before I fully succumb to you, truly!"

You knew that this was gonna come. You knew that sooner or later he would yell and say harsh things to you. Still, you could help but be appalled by his words. You carefully walked your way to the door. Tears come down streaming harshly, knowing that this will be the last time you step foot in his home. Right at the entrance, you faced your now ex-boyfriend and saw the stern and pained expression plastered on his face. You timidly said, "I'm sorry, Jungkook."

Jungkook swiftly turned his eyes out the door, signaling to leave his apartment; you did just that. You turned around wanting to at least say one last goodbye, but before you got the chance to, Jungkook slammed the door, leaving alone on a cold April day.

Present

"So, don't worry about me, Mason. Call me when you get this." You ended the voicemail.

You were outside the club waiting for your ex to be finished. It took a lot of thinking about what Becky had said, and you came to the conclusion that she was right. You didn't want to spend the rest of your life avoiding this, you wanted to have some peace of mind. You don't know how he'll react or how he'll be, but you just hoped that he'll be willing to listen.

Time was speeding up and your body was getting tired. Right when you were about to head to your car to rest your legs, a group of people exited the club. It was hard identifying the group because they were heading in the opposite direction from you.

If you hadn't spotted Carter, you would've thought that this trip was useless. You and Carter made eye contact, and you watched him whisper to another guy who had his arm slung over the shoulders of a pretty woman. You knew that the man was Jungkook. It wouldn't matter how many years have passed; you'll always be able to identify him.

You wanted to get closer to hear what was being exchanged but to be respectful, you gave them their boundaries. The group of people already left, just leaving the four of you alone. You couldn't see his face, but by the way, Carter is expressing, you knew that the conversation was getting frustrating. Your body started fidgeting, you were getting impatient.

The conversation seemed to have ended when Carter gave you a bright smile. He pulled the woman towards him and gave Jungkook a wave of goodbye. Now it was just you two alone. Jungkook still had his back faced to you, but you can tell he was annoyed.

You spoke up, slightly shouting, "Can we talk, Jungkook?" For what seemed like forever, he finally turned to you. He trudged his way to you; he seethed, "Were my words that night not enough for you to know that I don't want to see you?" You were blinking frantically. Maybe this was a bad idea.

"I just want to talk. You don't have to say anything, I just want you to listen. I'm begging you." Your head was down, eyes closed. You started fiddling with your fingers. "I don't deserve it, but will you allow me to be selfish just one time?"

Jungkook stared down at you. He's not gonna admit it, but he also wanted to talk with you. He took some deep breaths through the nose, and said, "Did you bring your car? Where's your car?" You lifted your head in an instant. You exhaled and gave a relieved smile to yourself. Jungkook saw your small smile and somewhere deep down inside him, he felt his heart swell.

You made a beeline to your car, Jungkook following closely behind you. Once you made it inside, everything was quiet. Not a peep was made from the both of you. You thought that since you wanted to talk, you should start first. "Thank you... for agreeing to this. I wanted to talk because I need to have this closure." You faced your head to Jungkook, but all he was looking at was outside your car window. "I feel like we can take our first step into healing through this talk."

Without looking at you, Jungkook mumbled, "I tried to feel something new with someone else, but all I could see in them is how they're not you." You started biting your lips; you felt guilty. "There was this woman I met around close to a year of our break up. She was a customer at the club, and all she ordered was a glass of water." Jungkook started laughing at the memory. "She started coming in more often, and I found a friend in her. She was kind, smart, beautiful... she was perfect. I thought that she was everything I wanted in a girl. But every time we tried to progress our relationship; I kept holding her off. All I could feel - all I could want was you. I didn't want someone perfect," Tears started to slowly fall down Jungkook's eyes. He faced you with his eyes red. "I wanted someone who messy, loud, clumsy... broken. All I wanted was you, ____."

You were choking on your sob. You placed your hand on your mouth, trying to cancel out any noise. Wanting to add to your pain, Jungkook confessed "I went to your wedding. I blended myself with the hundreds of those invited people. I saw you walk down the aisle in your beautiful wedding dress. You truly make a beautiful bride, ____. I saw you guys hold hands, heard your vows, and say your 'I do's'. I saw you guys kiss. I couldn't stay any longer, so I went back home. I laid in bed staring at my ceiling, it took me a while to figure out that I was crying. And I realized that my tears were no longer for you. They're for me; the me you destroyed. How could you do this to us? How could you do this to me? You didn't love me."

You shook your head, denying his last sentence. "Don't say that! You may hate me, and that's fine, but you have no right to say that I didn't love you. Jungkook, my love for you was infinite and it still is. You know, the moment I left you, I killed half of myself. And to this day, I'm still half a person. You know, I have spent the first year missing you, wanting you, needing you." You cried harder like you were reliving your pain. "My ex-husband tried consoling me, and it would work for a little while. But every time night rolls around, the moon brings back my pain. I'll never ever forgive myself for the pain I brought to you."

"It doesn't matter now. You ruined everything." You cried harder because he was right, but you didn't wanna keep being reminded. "I know! I know that everything is my fault. But please, Jungkook, stop reminding me of my faults. I hate myself enough as it is."

Jungkook questioned, "Then why? I want the honest truth now. Don't hide from me. Why would you accept the marriage?" Jungkook wanted answers that you couldn't give to him before.

Now that you are divorced, you have nothing holding you back. "It's true when I said that I accepted the marriage. It was fully my decision, but they really left me no choice. They were going to call ICE on your father. Jungkook, they wanted to make you and your parents suffer." You started shaking your head; your tears falling in the process. "I didn't want that to happen because of my selfishness."

You were crying, but all that Jungkook could think about was one thing. "Is that why you came home that day with a bruising cheek? Did those fuckers do that to you?" You were quiet; you didn't have to say anything for Jungkook to know the answer. He took a deep sigh, "Why didn't you tell me? God, I feel like killing them."

You scoffed, "What would you do if I told you? I think you're forgetting just how powerful my parents are. Jungkook, they will stop at nothing to achieve something."

He retaliated back, "So will I! I don't care how powerful your parents are, ____. If putting in my blood, sweat, and tears means that I could still have you, I will. It was wrong for me to say that you didn't fight back, but I would've started a war for you if it meant that we could still be together. If my father were to be deported, my mom would go with him; they can't imagine a life without each other. That's the same thing with me. I couldn't imagine a life without you, but it's too late now, huh? The chance to fight is over now."

You quietly asked, "You wouldn't fight for me now?" That question had stumped Jungkook. He wanted to say that he will, but it wouldn't sound right. Many things have happened over the past two years. Jungkook has learned to move on, to live without you. Of course, he's not fully healed, but after this talk, he feels like he can fully live his life without the pain you bring. But you, you were still stuck in the past. You had hoped that maybe, just maybe everything would be back to the way it was.

Jungkook answered your question from the truth in his heart, "No... I wouldn't fight for you now. ____, what we had is something I'll always treasure. The years I spent with you felt like heaven. You were my haven. You were my first everything, I could never forget that. I wished it had been me standing at the altar. I wished it had been me marrying you. I wish for a lot of things, but those are just wishes. Two years isn't a lot of time, but during that period I've learned to move on with my life."

Jungkook cupped your crying face. He held you tenderly. His eyes filled with sorrow. "I loved you so much, ____. Actually, I-I still love you. I don't think I'll stop loving you. We were just two people who loved each other but weren't meant to be." He started wiping your fallen tears.

Jungkook gave you one last kiss. You guys kissed with so much love and regret. The tears from both of you made the kiss salty, but you guys didn't mind. You gripped his shirt, and he gripped your waist. This was truly the last contact you both will make.

Pulling apart was hard but needed. You knew that he was right. It's time for you to move on. You whispered to him, "I realize now that I can't keep holding on to something I can't have anymore. I'm ready to let you go, Jungkook."

Jungkook connected his forehead to yours, and said, "If once we're ready, faith will bring us together again. Whether it be in this lifetime or the next, I'll wait for you with open arms." You smiled at his words. You both know deep down that being together again won't happen - at least not in this life.

Five years later

Many things have happened in the five years since your guy's last talk. You had moved out of the city along with Becky and started room mating with Mason. The first two years of moving forward were hard, but with the help of Becky and Mason, everything started to feel just right. Your two friends opened up their own law firm called M & B Laws. You also got a job at a daycare not too far from their work.

Since that night, you have never seen Jungkook again, but you were grateful to have followed his Instagram profile. You guys would exchange DM's here and then, asking about each other's days, new stuff. But after the third year, the texts stopped coming and you guys were now strangers.

You were alone at home, and Becky and Mason were working overtime. In times like this, you wished you had a dog or cat, a companion to keep you company. The TV was playing Iron Man; you weren't too focused on the TV screen, instead, the only thing that had your attention was your phone screen. Scrolling through Instagram, and liking random stuff, you came across a post from Jungkook.

You sat up from the couch. It's been months since his last post. The picture that was displayed on your screen was a photo of Jungkook and a woman. You tucked your hair from behind your ears to get a better look. His post was seven hours ago. The caption from his post said, "Happy 2 years, baby! I'm happy to have circled the sun with you twice, and I can't wait for more. I love you, Yuna!"

You from before would've been so heartbroken. She would've cried herself to sleep, despising herself more and more for losing him. But you are so happy now; you are so happy for him. You looked at the picture and for the first time in a long time, Jungkook showcased a genuine and happy smile. His eyes weren't facing the camera, they were locked on the beautiful woman in front of him. His eyes were filled with so much love and adoration, his smile was shining with so much joy. Your heart's not broken, it's far from it. Your heart is healed, and your heart is happy. You can't wait to see what the world has to offer.

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mizuki-foreshadowing · 3 months ago

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Kamiyama High Festival, Episodes 6 & 7

Feeling hurt from the two students from earlier, Mizuki retreats to the rooftop, an old habit. There she sees Rui. Their middle school days were defined by these lonely impromptu hangouts. Rui knew Mizuki before she became Mizuki, and he had been the one to help her back then.

We learn that the context of the flashback to Mizuki and Rui with Mizuki in the boys uniform, is that it's the first time the two had met.

Their first introduction is very worth delving into. Rui introduces himself and asks Mizuki's name. She refuses to give it, but Rui already knew it. He says the reason he asked anyway was to hear what Mizuki would say. Under the reading that Mizuki is a closetted trans girl, this interaction makes perfect sense; Rui picked up on Mizuki's self-loathing and wanted to be considerate and kind to a fellow loner. It was an invitation for Mizuki to give him her real name [Mizuki].

Likewise, the metacontext is that Colorful Palette wants to be kind and considerate to people like Mizuki; they're telling her story in a sincere way. The first and easiest way they do this, made even easier by Japanese grammar, is to not refer to her with a masculine pronoun. Japanese allows the omission of a pronoun if it's clear from context, which combines well with the depth that can be conveyed with [name]-honorific, as well as simply using either the first or the last name. Akito, for instance, who's heard the rumors about Mizuki, exclusively calls her Akiyama in this event story.

It's a little harder to do this in English, which requires a subject for its sentences, and only really offers the use of first name or a pronoun. In English, students who know Mizuki's secret, at worst, refer to her in the text of the game with 'they'. The dialogue of N25 members, at least from what I've seen, is careful to only use 'Mizuki' or some other wording to refer to Mizuki. (as a trans woman, I'm very sensitive to when 'they' is used for us) They don't know her secret after all, and would otherwise use 'she'.

A more difficult way than pronoun usage, for the team to be respectful of Mizuki and players who they want to reach out to with her story, is to not deadname her. If they ever gave a birth name for her, it could be used by hurtful fans as a more correct way to refer to her, doing only harm. Rui and Mizuki's introduction is meant to be read as Rui asking for a different name from Mizuki. She refuses to give any name. This would otherwise signal the conversation as being over, so Rui skips the introduction for her, saying he already knows her name.

Is this all enough evidence to support that 'Mizuki' when used in flashbacks of her in a boys uniform is a way to respectfully censor out her deadname? Maybe, but there is one more piece of evidence, in the next episode. Episode 7 opens with a timeskipped flashback. Mizuki and Rui have been having their loner hangouts on the school roof for a while now.

It's not something I can capture in a screenshot, but Rui refers to Mizuki in this line with "Mizuki-kun". This is clearly still Mizuki before she transitioned, and she's still just as icy and bitter in the way that she talks as she'd been in Episode 6. But more than that, [I checked and] Mizuki is an unambiguously feminine name. It means 'hope', and the only suggested spelling for it is with the kanji that Mizuki's name officially uses. Conversely, -kun is typically reserved for a male addressee. While Rui also uses -kun for Emu and other members of the cast younger than him as part of how he talks, he no longer uses -kun for Mizuki. At the end of Episode 5 and all throughout Episodes 6 and 7, Rui in the present uses just Mizuki to address her, which acts to respect her in the same way friends avoid using 'dude' or 'guys' when addressing a trans girl. Rui using -kun in the flashback may reflect that the name in-universe it's spoken with was not actually 'Mizuki' and that we the players read it as 'Mizuki' as part of the writers respecting her character.

This is the Mizuki who Mizuki talks about when she tells people about how she used to feel confined by people's expectations, always wondering how much she should change herself not to inconvenience those around her. That Mizuki can't understand why Rui refuses to act more normal and try to fit in, even as herself doing so is the source of her own misery.

Rui's response is there are many things that are very much worth finding in solidude. Among them, Mizuki herself, with the silent hope that Rui is also that for Mizuki.

Mizuki understanding that getting rejected by the other people around her isn't the end of the world, and that she can still find meaning even if she does so alone, is the first step toward the person she'll become, of somebody who does things her way and is so much happier for it.

#akiyama mizuki #mizuki akiyama #project sekai #side stories tag

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pruneunfair · 1 month ago

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Hae Soo is a boring character+ what I do like so far about the story.

Before I start, I want to make it clear that while I do think Hae Soo is a dull FL, she is not the worst FL ever written.

This manhwa is frankly overhyped. I gave it the benefit of the doubt before since it only had around 20-30 chapters so of course it wouldn't be full of complexities right off the bat, but given how the story is going.. I predict this will just be a wattpad-esque tale.

I really don't like saying but first of all: Hae soo has all of those Y/N traits. Okay maybe that's a little exaggerating but it's still there in a way. Hae Soo is described by a lot of other characters as "aging" "ugly" and even calling her aunty/grandma depending on the translation. These are other people thinking this, not just Hae Soo and it's supposed to make her "relatable" for not being seen as totally hot by everyone.. but if you saw her body type and even her face which is just perfectly smooth with tiny lips and eyelashes that just look like eye bags, this gets contradictory.

And I'm not just saying the body type alone is bad. A lot of fans often retaliate with "your just jealous of her" (which why would anyone be unironically jealous of a drawing?) But that her body type is possible and actually yes, it is, is incredibly rare to get that body type without any modifications but it is possible. However this isn't because TOAWF wants to represent someone. Its the sexualize her.

I really dont know how to explain how the art is made to show off how sexy Hae Soo is without sounding creepy so I'll just drop a bunch of panels I found of her doing ordinary day-to-day things while her body becomes the most defining feature.

Personally, I think it's because the arms are too small for that torso. I'm sure there's more but I don't wanna be too nitpicky.

I do also want to specify that plenty of other female characters in the comic like Ari are also sexulized but most of the time with those characters, it's only when they are in inherent sexual situations. (Like all of the panels of Ari after she was either in the middle of or already finished sleeping with Micheol) wheras Hae Soo can be doing absolutely nothing at all and her clothes are drawn right as hell while all her body parts are sticking out like a sore thumb.

Another thing that makes Hae Soo dull is that she relies on how much the readers pity her. Left and right she's either being insulted or she's getting cheated on or she's getting bullied in flashbacks. Almost everything about her that is interesting is something that hurt her, not to say she doesn't have any personality at all, I can definitely see a little something in her but she still heavily relies on something bad happening to her to garner care from the audience, if it's not that it's her super sexy romance with Tae Ha.

speaking of Tae Ha, he isn't very interesting so far either. I think his reasons for being obsessed with Hae Soo are still largely unknown, hes mostly just the same "Mafia boyfriend." Archetype, he made a straight up doll to look like Hae Soo which..yeah that's creepy. He is only really liked because well, he's hot and NOT Micheol so he's already "better".

What I do like about TOAWF though is that they aren't skipping scenes just to get to the mid romance. We are actually getting chapters explaing Hae Soo and Micheols relationship before and how it used to be a sweet one until debt and miscarriage. We get to see Micheol with his new life with Ari that has hints of how much she is being manipulated. The comments might say "I don't wanna see trash. I wanna see my sexy Tae Ha with his Hae Soo." But differing perspectives and highlighting other characters is what's saving this story a little. You can't just skip all the important pieces for the "good stuff." And expect a good story.

That said I do understand the commenter's impatience because so far Micheol is leagues more interesting then the ML Tae Ha and like me, we just wanna know why this dude randomly liked Hae Soo to the point of making dolls of her. There just needs to be a middle ground between the two perspectives.

Final thoughts: I don't think Micheol should receive karma. I know, a really weird idea but here me out.

I understand the allure of these types of stories where the babe gets revenge on the loser ex but if we wanted to be both a unique and interesting story than Micheol being allowed to live on being a shitty person would work. It would be awful to think about, yes, but this is unfortunately the real world and in the real world, it is REALLY rare that a cheater will actually face karma. Micheol should be allowed his life with Ari, where she could either realize she's in an abusive relationship down the line and find the courage to nope out of there or she could stay and it would be a tragic ending and the painful truth that life isn't always fair. This could work well as long as the plot doesnt make it out as "Haha Ari! You deserve this! Haha!"

#tears on a withered flower #na hae soo #Ari #micheol #beom taeha #manhwa #webtoon #tapas #wattpad #analysis

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rise-my-angel · 2 years ago

Text

Perilous Companions

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Length: 24.7k

Warnings: Depictions of violence, mention of suicide, non graphic torture, hostage situations, heavy angst, angst/hurt comfort, trama related flashbacks, smut, oral (m and f receiving), p in v, canon divergence

Notes: This ones a big boy with some big things happening. Not everything will make sense yet as its part of a bigger unfolding narrative, and certain moments are intentionally skipped over for the same reason. Knowledge of the 2nd game not needed as its not canon. A lot of nerves went into making and posting this one, so I hope it doesn't disappoint you. Sequel to Melancholy Interlude, part of the Confused Warmth series.

It was a cruel joke that you were this ill. If you had to trace it back, you think you may have been bitten by a mosquito at some point. Of all the things you could catch, you were falling apart from something as small as a bug bite. You were always scared of being bitten by any sort of insect as a kid after your neighbour had come home from school talking about how you could get sick and die from one bite.

Your only saving grace being that a cordyceps infection didn’t incubate for this long, and as far as you were aware, didn’t result in how bloodshot and feverish you were nor did it result in vomiting a liquid disgustingly close to black. You had guessed for a while that in the old world the man in front of you had either was a scientist or worked somewhere in that field.

Whatever research your current companion had done though clearly didn’t encompass all illnesses, but at least you finally were sick long enough he wasn’t constantly terrified you’d turn. Neither you or the rambling man pacing above you had any clue what to do about it, but he somehow seemed more worried then you. Looking at the map in his hands as he ran his mouth non stop.

You had insisted you were fine until about ten minutes ago when you felt dizzy and would have completely collapsed onto the ground if Seth wasn’t there to fail to catch you in time, at least before you hit your head. Travelling with someone wasn’t what you wanted, you had been alone for months but you felt awful when a bumbling, older, tearful man came across you asking for help getting to his wife near Salem. Only to have him confess when you got sick that he was just lonely and wanted company.

Now you were just too exhausted to get angry. Letting him travel with you as he desperately tried to make you like him despite your very purposeful choice to stay away from any people. Briefly you had wondered if he was a plant, tricking you to walk you into a trap right back to the place you were running from. Part of you still wondered that, but now you were too sick to do anything about it.

“We’d have to go to every clinic just to see whose there, but that’s way too big to check.” Seth’s messy hair was flopping around with every spin in place he did, the rhythmic movement distracting your already fuzzy brain. “You said no to everything else I suggested, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

Your head smacking back against the tree you were currently sat up against shook your spinning vision even more. Squeezing your eyes shut you let out a shaky breathe that burned your esophagus as it flowed upwards. There was an extremely expired pack of gum a few kilometres back when you were sifting through an old abandoned store front. The bile still coating your mouth had you hating yourself for passing that up now.

“You sure we can’t go to Boston?” One eye blinked open, a kaleidoscope of orbs floating in your vision as Seth’s figure stood right in the suns path. He was standing with the map crinkling in his hold as he looked hopeful at you. “They have doctors, it’s an actual city they’ll have medicine won’t they? We can get you a bed and everything. We’re practically right there, you can see the walls from the top of one of those hills for god sakes.”

Your fingertips tapped against the grass beneath you as your jaw clenched. Forcing yourself up, the tree worked as a main support for your legs that trembled from the exertion. The man seemingly perked up at your slowly approaching self. He stared at you, your name coming out as a question when you got within a few feet. “Is that a-”

Jumping back, Seth gasped as you ripped the map out of his hands. Your face flat as your eyes shifted to the side to stop yourself from glaring. “A no...I’m guessing it’s still a no.”

Your legs wobbled as your vision spun trying to read it. Kneeling down you rested it over a bent knee as your finger followed a path you already were dabbling in planning out. “You ever been in a QZ before?”

Looking up at him, Seth had a shifting and sheepish face akin to something like guilt. “I spent some time in one for a while, a little bit in Boston.” Your heart skipped a beat, forcing your gaze down to the destination you had in mind willing away the swirling anxiety. “That’s why we need to go though. I have friends there, they can help you- wait where are you going?”

The beating of your heart pounded erratically. You wanted to be alone for this very reason, you had no idea what kind of friends were waiting for him, or you, in Boston of all places. There was no one you knew anywhere near such an area, so you walked away. In the opposite direction of his suggestion.

Seth called you again, “I thought you needed to rest.”

Pace picking up you pulled the other strap of your bag on both your shoulders properly. “I’m going west.” Pairing up with this man was foolish, heading in the complete opposite direction of where you were headed was even more foolish.

His voice was getting more and more grating. “We just came that way, didn’t we go to Massachusetts for a reason?”

Heading down a slight hill full of ragged dirt clumps and drop offs only bang around the blurring migraine in your head more. It wasn’t killing you yet, so you just didn’t bother stopping for it. “No, you wanted to go to Salem, I wanted to be alone.”

Sputtering, Seth wailed his arms as he slipped and tripped over his feet down the hill with a grace that only assured you that he’s likely spent his entire life in and out of some halfway sizable apartment Fedra probably threw his way. “I was just trying to help.”

Your mind was already made up. You’ve been trying to get out of this state for months and everything kept pulling you back in. But their unwillingness to let you go spoke a different story, the people you’ve encountered since that have tried to trick or lead back to that room you ran from.

Seth was saying something, but you tried to tune it out until he was too loud. The sun was setting in a gold that shined off of the decay around you. Travelling the outskirts was longer, a much longer path but if you were being honest with yourself? Just because you were more scared of what other people were capable of, doesn’t mean the shrieks didn’t haunt you every time they echoed through the emptiness.

It didn’t take long for Seth to overtake your strides. Longer legs and too much energy compared to your muscles begging to sit once more. You so desperately wanted to believe it wasn’t true, that maybe just once since that day you could meet one person who you didn’t have to leave your guard up for. But you couldn’t.

You were the only of your kind they ever seen, and it didn’t matter who told them what. He had his sights set on you and so did everyone else. Were they hoping to pull you back because they were too stubborn to give up? Or were they truly so delusional that they just didn’t care. The arguments you spied on seemed to tell you something divided them greatly but at this point you didn’t have anything to go off of.

You had enough scuffles with them to know they were willing to be violent to get you. You knew why they wanted you and it was a fate that terrified you. You saw the remnants of what they had before you, and now? It was a fate you knew would be worse. Their willingness to beat the air out of your lungs had you supposing that having you in one piece wasn’t required.

It was only months ago when a few men came across you as you realized that it wasn’t just a small group that were involved. Somewhere along the lines, three men in the fireflies approached you and when you refused to even hear them out? That’s when they left you with a fair few more scratches then you gifted to them.

Bruised and covered in mud from being kicked down a steep forest hill, you could hear the small group of men on a radio, but their words overpowered in your head from noise. The only words made out from what you could hear past the ringing the fall had smashed into your head. “....I don’t care, just tell say it’s Owen...”

More static noise blasting out as you sunk your nails into the muddy hillside pulling you upwards onto your knees at least. Biting your lip so forcefully it had cracked and drawn blood by the next morning, you held the cries of pain back as your muscles strained to drag your body behind a tree.

Tears streaming down your cheeks, you cradled your side now dripping blood from the ripped open fabric once covering you. The other occupied with gripping your shoulder tight as each twitch of your body shot a current of pain through what might be a strain.

Finally a response over their radio rung out, your jaw tensed as you breathed deeply in and out your nose. “..can make it in a few days...yes ma’am....Gran-” Was it the distance cutting his voice off, or was it your own heavy breathing invading your senses? You didn’t know. It was hard to focus.

You didn’t know if you wanted to go back for real answers, or if a part of you still clung to seeing the man who had his hired thugs strap you to a chair as soon as they got their hands on you. He barley even looked at you like his own, and neither did his partner look at you anything but a specimen.

You being this sick wasn’t the plan, and you knew making it wherever they were headed in one piece wouldn’t be easy. Not even sure if any of them would be there anymore by the time you got there. They had working cars afterall, and you only had two feet. Already your head was dizzy, but it felt wrong to turn away, leave it alone. You could just run from them, head far North until you reach the border and forget all of this.

But you couldn't. They should have gotten what they wanted, so why wasn’t it enough?

Now though, in the early hours of the morning, it was impossible ignore what you had heard the next few subsequent nights. Listening to this man ramble on what was no doubt some kind of radio. Foolish enough to think that you’d feel comfortable sleeping anywhere near him now he assumed he wouldn’t be heard or caught. Sprinkling hints of a deception that became harder to push away. Someone far more collected and confident then the bumbling coward presented to you. It chewed and gnawed in your mind throughout that night.

He didn’t see you coming, knelt down faced away before having his body grabbed by the back of his shirt and tossed a few feet to the ground. Flipping onto his back, he stood up slowly to see you feet away from him. Exhausted and pushed to an edge. He tried placating it but only got as far as your name before you cut him off.

“Why do you want me to go to Boston so badly?” You pulled from something attached to your belt, a thick yellow rope long and flopped down to the side.

Seth’s face slowly melting off it’s aloof bravado. Something deeper inside brewing that you only felt your body tense at. “I don’t know what-”

The voice waver made you a lot less brave but the force which you shoved it out masked it. “You led me there even after I told you no. What’s in Boston you’re so eager to get to?”

There was an entirely new man in front of you, someone more poised with sunken eyes. As if whatever this facade was became too useless to keep up. This wasn’t a stumbling fool, but someone hiding too much. “We don’t need to do things this way-”

You weren’t buying it though. Wrapping both ends of the rope around your hands, but kept low enough to give him hope to talk first. “Don’t make me ask you again, Seth.”

His voice grew softer, as if to entice the part of you that wanted to grant sympathy. “It’s about you.” His gaze on your covered arm, and your heart beat harder. “I knew your Jerry and your father from the old days. They discovered a problem during testing, but you already had gotten out before he could look into it for himself.”

You didn’t even need to ask about ‘they’. He knew them, and apparently your guess of some kind of scientist was correct. Both of them treated you like cattle once they had found you. The ghosts hovering over your life. “What problem?”

“He never told me, and when your father died I didn’t think it mattered anymore. Left Jerry to pick up the pieces without his expertise. He’s replicated the work as much as he can, but the only thing your father told him only made him that much more desperate to find you. He’s a doctor not a scientist.”

Maybe you should have been angry, upset. Dropping that on you as if you should already have known, but on the other hand it might be for the better. Jerry was cold, and uncaring. Your father was entirely too emotional, perhaps closer to disturbed than anything. “I gave them everything they wanted, what’s he desperate for?”

The lack of blinking put you on edge even further. A look as if trying to figure out the very thing he was describing. “That I don’t know. Research has been kept under very tight watch, especially now.”

“And my father, what did he say?”

Seth’s eyes glazed with a troubled conflict, and a sorrow in his voice that told you he knew far more then he was telling you. Flashes in his eyes that spoke of a truth that sat unsettled within him.

“He said this is the end. He said that we are all finished, and he took his own life.”

The trickery, the trouble in his eyes, how this all kept relating back to that day. Your father taking his own life though? Something inside of you shifted unsettlingly, and not quite a loss for family. If you had even a modicum of faith in your father, you had none in his partner. “What I still don’t get is what you were planning to do with me. I mean what use would someone like me be to a lying con like you?”

A debate flourished in his head, saying no words as he almost looked through you. The now calmness in the air, quiet and dulcet tones between you echoed eerily in your voice. You needed him to speak, you needed to know. “What do you think your last breath will feel like, Seth?”

Eyes shutting for the briefest of moments, he let something echo in his veins. Words slipping from him in a level of defeat. “There’s a woman. A firefly-”

“I’m already running from the fireflies-” Nothing but a bunch of make shift mercenaries playing at a war they’ve never even started to win.

Seth shook his head, “Not this one. She’s a leader, has real goals she wants We can trust her, she can help.” You instinctively gnawed at your bottom lip, unwilling to believe in him. “Now if you come with me to Boston, I can get you to her.”

Shaking your head, you bled distrust from every pore. “What’s her name?”

His shoulders sagged as he sighed. “Please don’t make me tell you that,” the tightening of the rope between your hands squeezed as his eyes flickered from you to it and back again. “Marlene. Her name’s Marlene. She’s a good woman, your father trusted her.”

More then a few seconds passed. The wind flowing through the luscious trees nearby, and the grass grazing along the empty land. The peace nowhere near the small bubble you stood. “Why wouldn’t they have just told you what the problem was. If you worked with them, I mean. Bit odd.”

Seth’s head tilted, a softness pleading with you as your name murmured from his mouth, “I’m on your side. I’m one of the-”

Something snapped inside of you. Almost a scream inside your heart shouting at your survival and it consumed your vision within seconds. He wasn’t a fighter, you wrapped the rope around his neck with little defence.

Within a second you kicked him to the ground, a struggle tumbling in the quiet grass as you flipped onto your back. The pull burning your wrists and your own legs trying to keep him down. His struggles and groans eating away at your hearing.

You could only look down at your hold for seconds, nothing close to a fight back from a man who didn’t know how seek out for a real fight. Your breathe was forcibly rhythmic, in and out deeply as your head tilted back as you pulled. Breathing the sounds of struggle away as your eyes fell upon the nature.

The leaves blowing on a tree, large and flourishing in the emptiness that ravaged around it standing tall and bright. The wind flowing like a calm around it like it was wishing to entrance you. Your breathing desperate to keep a deep even as your mind pushed away the burning pull on your wrists. The sight of the trees colours striking against the rest of the field hiding the groans below.

You took your mind elsewhere, you weren’t strong enough to keep yourself in the moment. A life on the outside didn’t make you capable. It just made the struggling figures on an open ground dragging the life out of a man who knew more then you’d ever know, feel like a kind of memory you couldn’t live with if the trees didn’t exist.

Nothing like that existed here and now though. The barrel sights down to a man who helped play his part in many fights that these people didn’t deserve to be a part of.

Once someone too sure of his own bravado, now faced you wide eyed and swallowing panic. His hands at first positioned in front of his torso as Joel approached you both, his knuckles turning white from how tightly he was pulling and twisting the coarse rope in his hands. You wanted to see the trees in that rope but you only saw the purple imprints on your wrists that had stayed with you for days.

But it wasn’t someone tricking you to your death at the other end. It was people you wrapped a new life around, and the only ones who cared about you in return. Owen pleaded. “Come on, please. I’m not going to do anything, do you really need all this?”

Your hands hesitated, grip on the shotgun so harsh for so long it your arms had started to shake. “I’ll behave, let’s all be reasonable here.” Barrel only lowering enough that it’s aim left the eye line of Owens head. Low enough that he had the gall to leap towards you as if having any chance. Before you could even register how startled you jumped, Joel had grabbed him by the shoulders and tossed him face first into the bar counter beside you.

Owen’s head up enough to growl in anger, “Fuck you-” only to be slammed down into the wood with a crack of a bone splintering in the air.

Yanking his arms behind his back, Joel tightened the mans own ropes around his wrists, leaving him just enough room before his circulation, or lacktherof, would turn his hands blue. The mans head yanked back with blood dripping from his nose and smeared down his face and painted the dark surface. Your fingers twitching on the shotgun aimed uselessly to the ground as your shaking breathe vibrated into your very chest as Joel hissed into his ear. “You try anything like that again, I’ll break a lot more then your nose.”

Owen groaned but said no more. Shoving him towards Tommy, Joel only looked a his bloody face for a second longer before taking four strides over and all but shoving the chair out the mans reach. Stumbling onto his knees, grumbling unintelligible swearing as Joel burned a deep anger into his face and slinking it up to Tommy in unspoken words.

Tommy himself seemed more hesitant. Taken back by something he had no way of seeing coming. You didn’t know how much of the other week Joel had even told him about. He at the least didn’t particularly care enough for the strangers well being to let him sit anywhere but the cold floor. He was more on the edge of confused, Joel saw you trying and failing to mask the shaking feeling of silent fear and that look washing over your eyes only had his blood run hot.

Tilting his face to the side, Joel caught your gaze the hard set steel of his expression still peeking a deep concern for you behind it. His brown eyes gestured downwards to the shotgun in your grip, covering one of your hands with his own, the way it overtook your small ones with such warmth had you wanted to flip your palm to hold onto it, but you just let him slide the gun into his own possession. Holding it upright around the short cut barrel.

Ever the vocal one, Ellie spoke up first. “Who are you?” She was stood still, arms crossed over her chest with a stare that could sear a hole in the floor. Her body now against the table, blocking any view of the towns layout from the strangers prying eyes. Tommy stood to his side, back to the wall and eyes to the door while Joel stepped away from your side.

Watching him crouch down in front of the man, you yearned for the grace of someone more worthy. A gun to a mans surprised back peering right through whatever facade he would spit out were you not there. You had felt brave until he turned to face you. Owen’s face painted with fearful shock but yours only seethed with undiscovered ire. Whatever in your body that didn’t shake, a tingling flooded where ever nerves were attached.

Owen’s stare towards Ellie was suspicious. Dots connecting in his head, he raised an eyebrow as he returned her stare. “How about you go first, then I have my turn?”

“Hey,” Joel’s voice rumbled out tight and controlled, just like his unwavering posture. “You look at me, not her. Got it?” Owen didn’t answer quick enough, meaning not instantly, which only got him grabbed by the jaw, Joel’s fingers squishing parts of his cheeks in like a blooded up fish. “I said got it?”

Owens brows furrowed in a grumble but he nodded. “Good. Now answer the question.” His kept his promise, he didn’t look back at Ellie. Just you. Empty eyes with a smile that had been smeared onto his skin like a goo.

“Or you could just tell them, you already know my name afterall.”

Your nails dug into the skin of your palms, scratching and clawing to keep them from shaking. In a world where you knew how to stand your ground, maybe the words would come up out of your mouth. Only they didn’t and you weren’t standing your ground, you weren’t sure your heart would calm enough to give that chance.

Joel yanked his head back over to face him, face even sterner then before. “I asked you.”

No one was impressed with the eye roll. A childish act for a tied up man, “Owen. Like she said.” When Joel didn’t let go of him, only gripped tighter did he remember to act like a grown up. “We used to know each other, had a couple run ins didn’t we?”

You couldn’t see Joels eyes flit back as if he could see you behind him, but that yearning never left his heart. You were supposed to be at his side, not trapped in place by whatever memory this man dragged into town with him. “This is not-”

“He’s a firefly, or was.” Part of you was happy Owen hadn’t seen you in over a year, missing the slight waver in your voice as you forced it to come out in one go. All three of them had completely different reactions.

Ellie was confused. A group in her life held a complicated relationship with her, one that she suspected wasn’t wholey truthful with her, but never had the chance to put her finger on it. Tommy was braced for either side of things. His eyes never straying from the sight in front of him but one foot of his stood out towards Ellie, as if to intervene.

You didn’t need to see Joel’s face to know what he was feeling. Crouched down, his shoulders and back were set and so tense you could see it through his jacket. His hand dropped to his thigh with a thud curled into a fist. Those brown eyes washing over to a black as his nostrils flared as he kept a wild within him.

No doubt lost in what you have found yourself in many times, flashes of light passing your eyes as images that keep you up at night taunt you. You found yourself pacing towards him, hand reaching out to him, but hovering in place at the prospect of sneaking up on him. But just like you felt with him, Joel didn’t need to hear or see to know you were near him.

He just felt you already, taking a deep breathe as his back stretched back, giving your hand the chance to simply push forward and grasp onto the back of his collar like he knew you would. “What’s a firefly doing in our town, sneaking up on my own.” Joel was seconds away from bearing his teeth, if he remained just a strange intruder that was one thing. But none of you had any delusions about what having someone like this here could mean.

“Just looking for a friend is all. Big state you know? Gotta check all the corners.” Joels fist curled in more as you curled your fingers into his collar. The two men eyed one another before Joel made to stand back upright. Letting go to give him space, it was only snatched back by Joel’s empty hand. Keeping it tucked to his chest, to turned so both your sides leaned against the bar. His warm breathe heating the skin of you face still doused from the cold outside.

Eyebrows raised, you could read the question unsaid. Nodding yes, you bit the inside of your cheek. “Don.” Your eyes on his chest, Joel turned his body partway to gesture Ellie to take the shotgun from him. Sometime later, Joel would feel pride of how confidently she took it into her hold and held it to Owen. Perfect form like he taught her. But now that wasn’t anywhere near his mind.

His now free grasp held onto your hip and pulled you at an angle, hiding your gazes from the man flickering his eyes around the room. Fingers stretching from under his, you wrapped them into the top of his shirt peeking through. Unable to decide if you could handle being the subject of this kind of intensity from Joel. “Don mentioned travelling with them for a while, I didn’t know he stayed with them after..”

Joel cupped the side of your cheek, turning you up to his face. He meant to say something, meant to comfort or suggest but your own genuine unease pressed against the heart under his chest. A vulnerability that he spent weeks trying to coax from you from the quiet safety of your room together, but now on display for someone that Joel felt the growing urge to slam face first into a wall, leaving a mark he wouldn’t come back from.

For only a moment you let yourself feel it. Shutting you eyes, Joels hand warm and soothing in your heart as you let the uncertainty flow over. Letting it drip from you head to your toes, melting off as it reaches the floor. Finally you flickered your eyes up to Joels. “I’ll talk to her.” Joels head whipped around, eyes blazing at the mans suggestion. “I’m not gonna kneel here and spill my guts to all you bozos-”

The other two pairs of feet in the room both shifted a foot forward. A “Watch yourself” sounding from Tommy at the same time as Ellie’s far less decorum of “Shut the fuck up.”

Shuffling in place, you could tell Joel was grappling with the idea. A deep protective instinct that threatened to overtake him should anything happen to you. “I’m not leaving you alone in a room with one of them.”

Your cheek pinched between your teeth just a tad to sharp, your mind salvaging for any hint you have a plan in mind. But you don’t, and Joel knows you don’t. Because he doesn’t have one either. Your eyes drifted to Owens tied up frame, gesturing your chin over in debate, Joel doubled down.

“They’re better talkers then they are fighters out here. I’m not worried what he’s going to do, I’ll chain him to the wall if I have to. It’s what comes out of his mouth I don’t trust.” Something within you sensed something coming. Like the polarizing fear sweeping through you when Don had walked into town was a child’s bad dream compared to what your anxiety begun to brace for. But you agreed.

That part of you which could no longer pretend as if you felt anything but racing nerves in your veins wouldn’t admit it, but you were eternally relieved to have Joel. You faced people like Owen, the fireflies always them versus you. Always running, stealing and sabotaging behind their backs it would weigh less on your chest to have someone in your corner, helping you up onto equal landing.

Jaw clenching, Joel’s eyes pleaded a different story. One of a man dreaming of finding a small life with you and Ellie, and having to shove down the urge to burn everything to the ground just to keep you three in that harmony. But the fireflies played a different game. One that burned into Joel’s core, and one that froze yours over.

Sending a shiver down the length of your spine as his thumb gently rubbed over your bottom lip, he was holding himself back from kissing you. Brown eyes flickering to your lips as his fingertips flexed where they sat on your body as if resisting pulling you into him.

Sarah echoed in his head. Holding you in his arms on the porch as you told him unequivocally that she would be proud of who he is, but he didn’t feel proud now. Joel felt like control was slipping away from him and the last time that happened it ended in a bloodbath.

You didn’t like this look on Joel. His handsome features warped by a painful conflict behind, firm and set as if nothing he was preparing to let nothing to get past the stone walls. You wanted him relaxed, soft. The kind of look he gave you that very morning. A smile that you’re not sure you’d ever seen yet. A soft one, a sleepy glaze in his eye and that very thumb rubbing over your bottom lip only then he moved it to help pull you out of sleep with his own lips.

Anxiety shocking your limbs, jolting them like electricity while Joel was reliving the nightmares the people just like Owen brought on him. That quiet bubble of lips and skin against each other under the sheets Joel wanted you to call your own? That morning seems to not exist anymore.

One of your hands drifted around, trailing on the inside of his jacket along the thin layer of his shirt, nails tracing towards his stomach as both of your eyes begged for even one kiss. Something to keep you both here and grounded. You weren’t going to give the satisfaction to Owen though.

So you let yourself out of Joel’s hold. His hand sliding from your waist only until you were to far to stretch out to. Owen’s eyes were far less confident as you approached him. His laboured breathing the only thing in the air as you crouched in front of him.

“You talk to both of us. Or no deal.” If you were someone else, you would have sounded firm. Sure of your conviction and unafraid of the coward in front of you. Not the weaker almost out of breathe hesitancy it came off as.

Owen narrowed his eyes at you. “And if I say no?”

Joel was what you tried to sound like. Deep and threatening, no room for doubt or barter as he came up behind you. “I dump you outside of town face first, hog tied in the snow.”

Warm large hands pulled you up with one of them now refusing to leave your side. Owen conceded just as Tommy called Joel. Gesturing over to the sight of people beginning to mill about like nothing ever occurred inside the building. The man wasting no time as he hauled Owen up uncaring of the stumble he felt from the aggressive jostle.

Owen stood crookedly against the bar, as Tommy circled his finger for him to turn around. “Ellie.” Joel beckoned her, a hand out for her to hand the shotgun over. Glancing between it and you, her face fell flat as she rolled her eyes giving it to a tiny smirking Joel at her petulance.

No sense of personal space as he dove right into the small bag at your side for the ammo he assumed was in there. Loading it for you, he draped the strap over your shoulder. “Me and Tommy’ll handle getting him out of here. You two head back to the house, it’ll take us a while to move him.”

Owen’s wrists rubbing together at the redness already scratching into them, Tommy added “I got a feeling he’s not against making a scene if we walk him through the middle of the street.”

Neither you or Ellie were keen on leaving the two of them to handle it on their own, but you gently pushed her forward to grab her jacket. Joel turning you to face him as he cupped your cheek once more. There was something at the tip of his tongue, but it wouldn’t let itself out. A disruption you both felt in your bones just when he was finally putting a life together.

Gently grasping his wrist, you turned his hand, pressing a kiss to his palm and watching him stiffen and breathe force itself from his lungs harder. A rage inside him that you knew he didn’t want to relive, or even expose you too. You couldn’t form the words, you knew what you felt but your tongue wouldn’t take them in. You just wanted him to know that it was alright.

The disgusting turmoil you brought upon his family hadn’t made him turn you away. His own would never do the same to you. There wasn’t anything Joel could do that would destroy what you were trying to pretend wasn’t a stem of blossoms flourishing into unconstrained winding petals.

But now? Watching Joel share muted words with an agitated Ellie, both struggling to let the other walk away? Wondering if it was mere coincidence that it was Owen who was here, or if you dragged them to your doorstep.

Your mind far off, preoccupied in the possibilities going unconfessed. If this was your fault, if you brought this on them, then Joel should hate you. You deserved it. No reason could form in your head as to why he should support you, he’d done enough.

You didn’t know what to bring to this relationship, and now all you have started bringing is burden upon burdens. Nothing to go on, all you could assume was that love wasn’t supposed to be sharing the brunt of the others problems.

You were selfish for letting him bring you home that day, and he was stupid for going after you in the first place. The gruesome mark on your side should have stayed there. Ripped open and bleed out until you wouldn’t get back up from that blood soaked room anymore.

Fed up, Ellie grabbed your arm with a shout of your name. Turning you towards her, eyes narrowed in exasperation. “Where are we going? Joel said-”

Mouth opening then closing, your peeked at the people around you some glancing at the Ellie’s sudden outburst. It didn’t even dawn on you until now how far into town the pair of you had gotten. You couldn’t do this here, not in front of all these people. You couldn’t breathe around a crowd closing in on you. Swallowing the swarming cloud threatening to engulf you. “I need to get something, okay?” You grabbed her hand on your arm, squeezing it for a moment. “It’s important.”

She didn’t say much as you both walked into the now mostly empty house. You wasted no time, making a bee line to your bedroom as Ellie paced around. Taking in the lack of any feeling home. You had brought hardly anything over. A bag or two at most. Neither she or Joel had much when they arrived, but they finally had started to feel like a home, like a place in the world once long forgotten. You arrived with nothing, and you still had next to nothing.

Ellie couldn’t help but wonder. Is that what life on the outside was like for you? To truly have nothing to find joy in? The clang of wood caught her attention, dragging her over to your old bedroom. Your body knelt on the ground tearing out part of the floor only to reach in and rag out a small box. “So what are we doing back here?”

Hands pausing mid movement what would you even say? What Joel was keeping from here was nowhere near the kind of lie you were keeping from both of them. The lie you tried to throw away the day you set foot in this town. Fingers slowly wrapping around loose drawings scattered at the bottom, you shuffled them together, throat tight as you tired to find careful words.

“Something he might be after.” Head lifting up you saw the question form on her tongue. “It’s complicated. I’m not- I don’t know how to explain it.” Right now at least.

“You could try. I mean I’m complicated.” Your head dropped again but in a breathy laugh, Ellie always managing to let that bemused attitude slip through no matter what.

Tilting your head to the side a smirk played on your lips. “Yeah, we seem to be a house full of that.” Slipping the drawings into part of the journal, you sucked in a breathe with your eyes blinking shut for as long as you exhaled. Chucking the box back into the hole you lazily threw the wood down. Nothing left in there to hide under hammer and nails.

Ellie’s face was stuck in hesitation when you stood back up. Her eyes looking to the journal you pressed tight to your chest then back to your own face trying to appear neutral. “Is that what he wants?”

Lungs constricted and coiled more in your chest. Best case scenario likely being this was all he travelled here for. “Stay in your room, when we get back.” Your head shaking just once as your face tightened and scrunched up. “I’m not asking Ellie. You’re not going anywhere near him.”

Her arms waved in the air, voice raising just like outside. “I’m not just gonna hide in my room like a-”

“You don’t think Joel’s going to tell you the exact same thing?” Inside hoping you weren’t coming across as harsh. But you didn’t know what Owen was going to say, or what was going to happen to get him to say it. Ellie deserved a normal life, and none of this was apart of that.

The house was silent when you both got back. Not a creak or muffle as Ellie charged in first. An annoyed attitude to match such a flat expression unwilling to even keep the door mostly open. Your grip on the journal adjusting and reajusuting multiple times as if letting for a fleeting moment would sweep it out of your possession.

Opening the door the rest of the way, you were silent as you watched Ellie stand in the middle of the room. Her body turned towards the only closed door, eyes wider and sunken in with a deeper hesitation then before. You could see Joel leaning back against the counter, arms crossed with eyes harsh and narrow at the same direction.

“He’s in there?” Half her torso twisting to watch Joel nod once. “Is he-”

“Still tied up. He’s not going anywhere.” An edge cut through his voice, restraining an emotional you knew was a battle to bury back down. “As long as he’s here you’re going to-”

Head dropping as did her eyes. “Stay in my room. I know.” She didn’t bother taking her jacket off out here, just step by step towards the hallway there wasn’t even a blink. Suddenly the prospect of staying as far away from him as possible didn’t sound like a punishment. Stopping in front of the door, she looked back to Joel with her teeth gritting in an anxiousness. “What are we going to do with him?”

There was no response. Joel’s shoulders squared as he exhaled through his nose harshly. Brown eyes just glued between her and the door as his head brewed with thoughts you couldn’t possibly imagine.

Neither of them said anymore. Ellie turned to open her door before taking one last peek at the shut one not far from her own. Keeping her in the dark wouldn’t last, but right now wasn’t time. Not for Joel, not for you.

The quiet air didn’t dissipate with her departure. An uncertainty floating between you and Joel, his eyes now following the way yours stared at the door. Unlike Ellie though, your own blazed with a knowing fear. Murmuring your name, Joel gestured for you to come over to him.

You didn’t reach out for him the way his hand did for your waist. Pulling you closer, Joel stood up straight with a deep breathe. Eyes flickering to the door and back, brows narrowed still. “The hell does he want with you that he tracked you all the way here for?”

It felt like a blame, even if it wasn’t one. What did you to do drag something else into his life? Your grip on the journal in your hand didn’t go amiss. Nor did your casual shrug fool him. “If he’s still a firefly he either only wants me..”

“Or that?” Joel raised an eyebrow towards your hands as his own pulled your retreating body back into him. “Hey. I’m not prying, but if you’re in danger I need to know about it. Now.” The sternness in Joel’s voice carved something deep inside you as did the fierceness in his bright eyes.

Your jaw clenched as the defeat just piled up. His eyes followed as your hands dropped to your sides before you tossed the journal aggressively onto the counter behind him, but your arms returned to cross your chest protectively. “They know about me. Like-”

His large hand squeezing just above where the mark sat on your side. His eyes squinted in confusion at what was in your hands. “What does a book have to do with it?” Heart lurching in your chest, you pried yourself from his hand but found yourself unable to move entirely from his warmth. One palm pressing into your forehead as the other sat on your hip.

“It belongs to them.” Your chin cutting over to it. Jackson was supposed to heal over those memories, but that wasn’t the plan of whoever watched your life over. “I stole it from them, Owen took it back from me, I stole it from him so on.” Head raising into the air to push the sting in your eyes down even when your shaky breathe gave it away just as much. “Either they only got their hands on the book, or lucky enough to try and drag me to Boston because Marlene just can’t give anything up.”

“Marlene?” Joel leaned into you, pulling your face to look at him by your chin. Your own lost ones stark against his heating fire as he said your name. “She was the one looking for you?”

You stammered, watching Joel run a hand over his face. Dots connecting in your mind, your mouth fell open slightly as a tangle of disjointed words tumbled out. “Yeah she wanted me.... and you were in Boston. With Ellie.” A story you knew the details to but didn’t stop to wonder how deeply intertwined it’s words were.

This time it was Joel who fidgeted his body back and forth, jaw so clenched it might snap as both his hands found his hips. “Ellie grew up in there, and that’s where I lived when Marlene got me to take her, or forced my hand was more like it. She was adamant someone needed to get her to one of their stations out west when she couldn’t.”

Joel’s head snapped to you as you started putting it together. “I’m assuming she didn’t specify west meant a hospital in Salt Lake?”

Running his hand down his face again, Joel finally leaned back against the counter. “I didn’t know the extend of where I was taking her until Ellie mentioned a cure. By the time I got her there, it was almost to late when I found out what the fuck they were about to do.”

Blood racing in your veins you hated where this was going more and more. “Because she knew you’d never do otherwise. She seem desperate?”

All you needed was his nod of yes. You felt incredibly stupid. The details Joel had already shared, what Don told you, what had happened what was in the journal itself. That’s why they left you alone after all that time. She found Ellie, and dumped her off with people who couldn’t possibly know what Marlene was handing her off for.

You weren’t sure how long you had been silent, but Joel cupped the side of your neck urging you to come back to him. You were quicker on the draw then he was. “We need to find out what he’s doing here. Now.”

Soothing you, his breathe grazed your face as he leaned his forehead onto yours. “I can do this alone, you don’t need to see this.”

Sliding your fingers up to hold his wrist gently, your eyes as soft as your touch felt opposite of how much Joel’s nerves sat in his fingertips. “You said we’re in this together. So we do this, together.” He took one last moment to hold you against him still with a hand at the back of your head.

Pulling back he grabbed something you couldn’t quite see from behind him, sliding it into pocket inside his jacket before you could make it out. His hand stayed in the middle of your lower back as you both approached the door. The journal left alone on the counter the reasons to keep it in the shadows leaving you moment by moment.

It should have satisfied you to see fresh blood now on his face. Two distinct cuts clotting over on his cheek, drifting down to see his frame tied to a chair looped with more then one restraint. Hands bound to the arms of the seat, a redness that too was blood on his fists. You wanted to feel smug at how rough he looked, but it did nothing to soothe the racing of your heart.

Owen barley looked your way when he saw Joel follow in. The harsh shut of the door behind him making the bound man jump. A rag drenched in droplets of blood and sweat tied around his mouth explained the no noise as you walked in. A sprinkle of suspicion that his newfound red paint was a result of putting far more of a struggle up then he could handle the consequences too.

The air around the three was charged with such a heavy weight you felt as if it could crush you flat. Your vision as it turning white flashed, the slamming pain skyrocketing from your body to your head as it rattled against the cliff side. The blood on your face felt as if it had never been washed off as you looked at the still red stained ones on Owen.

Yours weren’t bound to the arms of the chair. No yours were wrapped behind you, phantom sensations of the metal digging into your skin as it gave way to a snapping bone. Memories you’ve never spoken of, ones you wanted to bury deep.

Joel had spoken, and you didn’t even catch it. Muffled voices quiet and rumbling as your brain forced itself into the present. You had barley moved from just feet inside the room. Joel stood tall over him with the rag now dragged down from his mouth spitting as the words came out. “What? I can’t just pop by to visit a friend? See an old pal? Isn’t that right? Good ole Don?”

Snatching his jaw, Owens cheeks smushed together as Joel forced it to lurch forward to his knelt over figure. “Hey, you’re not talking to her. Just me.” His voice was even, but unseen to your place behind him, Joel’s features stood sharp, a dark in his eyes that worked it’s way into his bones from weeks of torment on the people he loves. “Start with what Don was here for.”

Joel’s hand dropped as he stayed at his eye level Keeping the mans only view of him. The condescension in Owen’s voice circulating Joel’s bloodstream in an angering trail. “Small town living.”

He gave him no response. A stone walled stare leaving the pure nothingness in the air force someone to fill it, only neither you or Joel would do so.

“He’s an idiot, who knows what he was doing here. I just haven’t heard from him is all, a guy can’t worry for his friend apparently.” You knew Owen wasn’t stupid enough to believe that. Part of you wondered if he just didn’t realize why Don was nowhere to be found, or if he was dumb at playing dumb.

Joel’s hand flexed as he turned his head. Barley enough to even look beside him until moving back trying to not shift focus to you. Keeping Owens focus or Joels focus away he wasn’t quite sure of. “This can end right now. But if you keep bullshitting me, I promise you’ll wish it did.”

Owen opened his mouth and closed it more than once. He was a footman. Strong, not pragmatic. A fear not unlike one you’ve felt countless times in your own eyes doubting himself as Joel stared at him. Only letting a few more seconds pass before Joel’s face twisted in anger. Bracing his palms on his thighs Joel pushed back upright.

Stepping uncomfortably close into his space, Joel tugged the gag back over his mouth, but was nowhere near done. You couldn’t tell what Joel had pulled from his jacket until rusting pliers braced themselves onto the nail of Owens index finger.

Tilting his head with an eyebrow raised, Joel was giving him a warning that Owen didn’t take. Just shaking his head with a muffled string of what sounded like petulant swearing. Joel held it to him, breathing heavy as whatever conflict in his head won out, forcing himself to act on that conclusion before a softer part of his subconscious wanted to talk him out of.

A few years into the outbreak you had watched a number of members from your group screaming not dissimilar to the muffled ones before you. You had been pressed inside the back of a desk. Your only sight the dilapitating square of wall in front of you, but the wood surrounding you felt as it it made it echo. Warped, distorted screams as it was followed by a cracking. One by one the cracks followed screams that rasped into sobs.

It was a sound and sight that for a while, was the scariest thing you’d ever seen. A body unconscious from either shock or blood loss as scattered puddles of blood and teeth lay strung about. You didn’t dare look how many were left. There were enough teeth on the ground to know not enough to matter.

You had thought to yourself, never again did you want to be anywhere near something like this. But that was before you were tormented with screams, screeches and searing rips into your skin and clicks that stabbed into your brain until you felt numb to the fear.

Owen didn’t sound quite like any of it. More like a strained groan trying to push down the agony. Your nails digging into your palm with each silence between Joel’s growling voice. Blood asking to drip down from the nails you still had, unlike the man who took his only chance to speak with his gag off, to try and spit at Joel. Much more swearing came from that rip then whatever your nails scratched into your palm.

The red made it look worse then it did. Comparing to what the world outside proved it was capable of, Owen would live. Live without having to change who he was entirely. Your side told you not to feel bad and it was a hard voice to ignore. Your forearm throbbing in rhythm. Neither of those were a fate anyone should feel, but you had. And so did she. Those were far worse.

Owen wasn’t just connected to Don, it didn’t just trace back to you, and Joel had enough of keeping that thought out of it. “Look at me. Hey-” He yelled more this time, nostrils flared as he grabbed Owen by the throat to force him to look.

Owen looked dazed, swallowing hard as his eyes fluttered in and out of pain. “You this embarrassed someone got the jump on you in front of your girl?”

A roaring current zapped through Joels nerves, his hand tightening his hold on the mans throat. “Fine, you’re in my position. Someone breaking into your home? Rope in his hands, sneaking up on you and your daughter behind your backs?” His voice snarling at the edge of breaking into something Joel could lose control over.

But you didn’t give either of them a chance. Your footsteps banged into the floor, heart pounding but unwilling to break eyes with Owens attention, now on you as he heaved in pain. Joel didn’t move, forcing his snarling heaves back down.

Hand curling into a fist around the pliers. It didn’t matter what Owen’s plan was. Joel covered all of Ellie’s sides, and so you would cover his back. You didn’t bend down to their place near the ground. You wanted Owen to strain up in the pain to look at you. “You read the journal, right?”

Joel’s heart tempered down, but didn’t have the willingness to look anywhere but the man bleeding in front of him. Nothing had happened, but the threat was enough. Men like this, people like them? Joel would make sure they had no right to even look at Ellie. They get to keep their lives, their families and there was no comprehension in Joel’s mind to ever appease that they tried to tear apart his for their own gain. Tear his family back to shreds, keep their own when they had no heart or soul as they tried to do it to his.

Unlike him, you didn’t bother with the intimidation, it was never a word given to you anyways. Letting it your hand brush the wrist attached to where Joel’s was, brushing your thumb over the vein you could reach, Joel finally let the mans airway free. Desperate to keep himself here, it only switched places. You felt his hand, large and close to bruising as he held part of your calf.

Owen heaved and you let him. He wasn’t a solider, he had no obligation to withstand this, and both you and Joel knew that. You let Joel push Owen to the edge as long as you held him back from the cliff when Joel himself got to close to falling alongside. Broken at the bottom, splayed on jagged rocks you spoke softly to him.

“Owen. I asked you a question.” He glanced from Joel to you, but finally kept it mostly on you when Joel didn’t move a muscle. “How much of the journal did you read?”

And there it was, his bloodshot eyes jumping to your forearm. In another world, maybe you’d smile, smirk, enjoy the torment. But neither you or Joel did. This was his family, and he was protecting it regardless of the cost.

Nodding, you didn’t really even register doing, but your eyes sat wide. “It didn’t say anything about this, I imagine.” One hand slip the side of your shirt up.

Forearms heal better then the sides of a torso, and yours still looked like a horror. The colour, the scarring still healing with skin bitten and torn into and no disillusion as to what it was from. “Do you think you’re bite will look like this? Or rot to something else entirely.”

Would you do it? No. Humans deserved the fate of other humans. No one deserved what you and Ellie had barley survived. It was more then teeth, it was a blood curling terror like a radiation poured into your body along with it. But Owen didn’t know that, all he knew is someone in the fireflies inflated your reputation to dangerous. And that certainly wasn’t the image of hope Marlene tried to frame it in, no only one other person would have given Owen that idea.

You wanted to crouch to look him properly in the eye, but you dared not interrupt the iron grip Joel had on your calf. So your fingers curled into the side of his jacket collar, one the front of his shirts were familiar with on quiet, peaceful nights. “Don could have told you if his own bite didn’t tear into his neck. Bring you to him if you don’t believe me.”

“No, n-no,” There was the crack Joel had broken in.

“Then tell us the truth. If you’re here for the journal, we can talk about that. But of you’re here for me then that’s a new problem.”

You could feel Joel’s hand slid up your calf, less desperate and tight but now more all encompassing. A need to feel you there without risking his attention elsewhere. But that didn’t matter. The attention wasn’t about you at all. Owen looked defeated at you before sliding his eyes to the thing you feared putting at risk the most.

“We weren’t looking for you. We were sent to look for him.” Your fingers curled into his jacket more as your heart beat so fast you felt it in your throat. A penetrating cold shivering from your heart and outward. “Fuck, no one even knew where you were until now I guess. A few of us have been scouting different nowhere towns looking for a Joel Miller. Just a wild fucking coincidence I guess.”

Joel’s voice was controlled, forcing words out slowly and clearly. Low almost like a whisper. His eyes the opposite as they fell dark and falling down a hole of realization. “Whose us?”

Owen gnawed at his lip before relenting. “Anderson,” Joel tilted his head needing him to elaborate, but you knew. You knew it was a divine force that kept you from falling back. “You know the doctor, the fucking hospital? We’re not with the fucking fireflies anymore, just got a few of us together when she finally learned your name. You killed her dad, so? Fair’s fair.”

Joel stood up, the room silent as your head spun it’s contents. Turning to you, his face was lost in an overwhelming blast of emotions. Yours was flushed, a shiver running your entire body as you looked at him. This wasn’t even about you, and that scared you even more. You couldn’t just walk away to get rid of this for them.

Joel grabbed your wrist on his jacket, holding to keep you close. He seemed to grapple with something before turning to shove the gag back in Owens protesting mouth and dragging you out of the room.

He pulled you closer to the main room cupping the sides of your face urgently, pulling you into his space as you tried to rationalize it. “She can’t, you..I won’t let her.”

Joel muttering your name almost commandingly as he almost smoothed over your skin to quell the panic. “Hey, hey- it’s okay eyes on me.” Your nails almost dug into his chest as you shook in his hold with a skin prickling combination of distraught and a back blowing whoosh of determinating protectiveness. “Nothing is going to happen. Nothing’s going to happen to me, not me, not any of us.”

Your soul felt like screaming on the inside. “I’m not going to lose you, not for this. I won’t leave anyone to-”

Joel pulled your lips into his, a harsh and rough collision that took not just your breathe out of your lungs but his. His own brushing against yours aggressively, pulling back only enough to have you hear him.

“Together. Anything we do, we’re doing it together. You don’t want to leave me? Good ‘cus I’m certainly not leaving you or her. I didn’t do what I did, only to get ripped away from her as soon as we finally started becoming something.”

Joel kissed you another time, telling you to stay out here. Just for a minute before turning on the spot and slamming the door back behind him. A sharp anger on his face that you decided wasn’t worth holding him back from.

Your back pressed against the wall, palms shoving pressure onto your forehead as you realized just who was looking for Joel. If it was her, then she’d come looking for Owen. If Joel didn’t hesitate to go find you the day you took off, then she would come looking for Owen the second it was too late for him to reasonably not come back.

At some point you had slid onto the floor right next to Ellie’s door. This was it. She needed to know about that day. But it wasn’t what Joel did that was the lie going to hurt, it was the truth you had to come to terms with too. The truth all Joel did, was save her from and the pain he thought he was keeping from her was nothing.

You could see the journal still sat on the counter at the other end of the room. He’d tell her, then you’d tell them. Somewhere in the back of your head you registered a thud, but it was too faint to drag you back into the light.

The quiet creak of Ellie’s door however, was just that. She had heard enough to know what was happening in that room, but none of you were disturbed by it. Ellie had been through more then what Joel had done in those last ten minutes with Joel himself. Her eyes were tensely trained on the door when she almost jumped at the sight of you.

“Fuck, make a sound or something next time.” Laugh, smile give her something but you couldn’t. Everything was about to be laid out on the table, and your nerves were crippled with the nightmare of losing Joel, losing her, for it all. “What happened?”

Both of your heads shot up as Joel finally came back out. A redness on his hands that you knew were smears of the mans already dripping blood inside, it didn’t look bruised so at least it wasn’t that. You could only see inside the room enough to see the chair awkwardly moved over with Owen muttering to himself along with it as the door shut.

All three of you looked at one another before Joel looked at Ellie with a seeping guilt in his eyes, “We need to talk.” Ellie’s eyebrows raised in worry but nodded.

“Not just you. I mean, she needs to know.” Ellie’s face darting between you both now confused, “But you both need to know something else. You talk to her first though.”

Ellie looked lost and anxious, “What the fuck is going on?”

Joel’s hand smoothed over the side of Ellie’s head, his heart melting at how instinctively now she leaned into his embrace without realizing. Any of you losing this would be catastrophic. “Give us a minute,” his head gesturing to you. “Then we’ll talk.” Looking between you both, she finally conceded. Joel unable to take his eyes off of her until the door shut completely once more.

Holding his hand out, he pulled you up onto your feet and gestured to the main room before either of you said a word. Wavering looks swimming in both of your eyes and hearts beating just as loudly as the other. “She-” Joel cut himself off with a sigh, handing his head with his hands on his hips. “I wanted to find the right words first. Not spring it on her like it doesn’t matter how I say it.” A strain in his voice you wanted to honey over.

Though you weren’t sure he was really telling you, not past your nerves. Running a hand down the length of his face as his eyes stayed shut. You were in the same boat, how were you supposed to tell the only family you had how much of a lie they were both sold on. How would they feel knowing you were a sliver of that story?

Maybe you shouldn’t have unpacked that bag, your old empty house feeling more and more like the isolation you belonged in, but Joel didn’t deserve this feeling. He’d been through enough, he’s done enough. Softly muttering his name, he dropped his hand back to his hip but still was trapped behind his eyes.

This time whispering his name, hands very gently reaching out to cup the side of his face, thumb tracing against the coarse facial hair. His larger hand circled your wrist. “Give me your worst case scenario.” His eyes darting up in narrowing, an incredulous look but you kept your hand softly on him. “What would be the worst reaction she could have?”

It was clear he’d thought too much of just that, because his answer was instantaneous. “She hates me. I lied to her about all of it, and she resents me for what I did, and for lying to her.” A part of your heart cried at hints of agony his eyes looked at you. “I don’t know if I could handle that. Not now.”

Joel deserved to hear one thing, but right now you think he needed something else more. It was surprisingly easy to pull such a tall giant man to lean down into you. His hands both squeezing you waist as his forehead rested on your shoulder. Winding one arm past his neck you kept him there as you raked your hands through his hair as the other ran your palm shallowly against his torso down closer to his stomach. His deep breaths the only thing in your ear as you let him feel the worry for just a moment.

Let him process what’s being forced onto him so suddenly. You didn’t let go of him as you softly spoke into his ear minutes later as his breathing steadied against your skin. “Do you know why that will never happen?” Hands gripped you tighter, you were starting to speak his silence. “That kid loves you. You’re her whole goddamn world even if you can’t see it. She was sold on a lie that got sold onto you. You were the only person who did the right thing, probably one of the only people who ever put her well being before someone else.”

Joel found enough of a calm to lift his head, steady movements in his chest as he rested his head against yours. Face still twisted and tearing apart with nerves. “I still lied to her.”

When you first met him, you’d never have said anything close to what came out of your mouth in the firm meaning you spoke. “You lied to yourself, Joel.” His eyes widening, a hurt treading on them that needed to be satiated fast. “When you think about that day, do you see what you did or why you did it- no don’t try to tell me otherwise. Because that’s exactly what I see.”

Your hands sliding down to his own waist, “There’s not a single time I’ve heard Ellie talk about everything that happened that doesn’t end in her finding a way to tie it back to something you did for her. Marlene wanted to dump her life off on lies, and you kept her from it because you love her. What lie do you think’s going to hurt more? The one you couldn’t even admit to yourself, or the one people like them just for a chance to get her into a slaughterhouse.”

Pulling your arms away from him, you gave Joel the chance to stand on two feet. The thoughts clearly mixing and repelling against one another as he followed your lead. Giving his body a chance to breathe on his own, his eyes on nothing while the mind behind brewed and boiled. Slowly you stepped away, the time it took getting to where the journal had been tossed feeling like a lifetime.

Your hand paused as you slid it towards you. Eyes flying over the well used pages stuffed with fresher notes in your own once manic scratchings. Heart felt beating in your chest, you had to do it, but it wasn’t your place to say it. You had to let them be together. They could call you whatever they wanted, but you were still just on your own. Joel was her father now, and that’s the love she’s going to desperately need the most.

Biting the inside of your cheek, you quickly moved things. Putting your own notes in one pile and storing it right at the front. It had to be done before regret slipped in. Snatching it off the table you didn’t hide it on your person this time. It hung in the hand at your side, as you looked at his face once more.

No lies between you. Even if it sacrificed the adoration he watched you with. Both of you moved slowly as you handed it over to him, grateful he didn’t open it right away. “There’s nothing I could say that isn’t already in there.”

Joel’s head tilted as he looked at you with doubt. “Neither of us is trying to exclude you.”

Nerves burning on fire, you shrugged. “It’s still your life before me. Don’t open it until after. She needs you first, not this.” Watching his eyes bounce between the journal and you, the defeat crawling over sitting heavy in Joel’s stomach. “I think I pretty much summed it up, my notes in the front.” You pointed to the obvious white sheets contrasted against the stained darker ones. “But it’s still all in there.”

Neither you nor Joel said the words. The grief of losing it before becoming real a fear you needed to steel yourself with once more against as Joel stood before you. Himself holding it back from spilling out of his mouth, especially with that dissonant look in your eyes.

Selfishly, you have yourself what could be a final indulgence of his warmth. Your hands pressing flat onto his chest wishing those warm brown colour of his eyes would stay with you forever. “You’re not a bad person, Joel. Ellie knows that, so stop thinking that she will.”

His eyes skipped down to your lips, choosing to pull you in with his fingers under your chin. Small and chaste with the taste of restraint from losing yourself in the other. Pulling back only enough to give you air, “Didn’t realize this is what it would take to get this much out of you.”

Your heart leaping into a breathy laugh as he too lightly laughed into another kiss. Everyone always had something to say the second you ran your mouth for more than a few minutes didn’t they?

Control slipping, you had to gently push him back before he let go of it entirely. You didn’t watch as he walked away, didn’t watch as he went into her room. The click of the door was a trigger. The air in the room heavy and constricting, as the walls surrounded you. You couldn’t be in here, you couldn’t listen to whatever would happen it was suffocating you. You didn’t deserve to be anywhere near them, not now, not for this.

Not sure if either of them heard the front door shut, you walked out into the now significantly darker sky. Lungs filling with air you could stand as if the house was drowning in water. You didn’t get too far, just far enough to throw your back against a brick wall, sliding down as you lifted your head into the late winter sky.

It was a strange thought that passed through you, wondering what she’s heard about you since. If she was still with the fireflies then she knows all to well the man power wasted at trying to get you back.

Like the faces that followed you with every stabbing pain, she no doubt remembers your face perfectly. One of the hands now resting on your knees twitching as it relived a pain.

The blood dripping down your bottom lip from how hard you bit into it, holding back your voice as the bones in your hand snapped, slipping from the metal handcuffs forcing your arms behind the chair. The chain clanging together as you retched them in front of you, barley making it off the chair as your upper body leaned in on itself, shaking as you snapped the bone back barley staving off a cry.

The darker the sky grew the further down the dilapidated, dripping hall your memory travelled. You had caught her coming around the corner, nearly jumping as she turned to see you. It was easy to see the blood on you was your own, but it was even easier to see what sat on the forearm with the fractured hand. Red skin and stiff hanging at your torso, you had it unknowingly tilted where the ripples of an infection she couldn’t possibly guess was long past it’s prime.

You didn’t know if all of them here knew, a pathetic excuse of a firefly mid stop with too much empty space for them to even think of how to use it. Hell, at the time, you didn’t know a single of them were fireflies. You just knew him, your father, and now her. Judging by her face, wide eyes stepping back as an urgency fell over her face, she didn’t know the person here was you. The familiarity between you didn’t mean anything close to it’s beginning.

It all took no more than a few seconds. One of her hands reached behind her for what you had seen from the side was a gun as she begun to shout out someone’s name that you didn’t give her a chance to spell out. You had done it before you even heard it, arm stretched as the sound of the shot hit your ears after it already casted blood into her stomach. Something inside you wanted to stay, by the time someone else reached her it could already be too late.

But that would’ve been your fate if you didn’t leave. You fell into their laps by accident, but wasted no time in trying to find a use for you that didn’t involve keeping you around. It was the first time you stole the only resources they had, you. And the first time having you get away, ate at Marlene’s desperation to force you back from that day onward. You didn’t even know Marlene’s name until that day in the field, but you new who she was all too well now.

Front door slowly shutting was followed by the slight thud of boots against the wood of the porch. Head snapping up you saw Joel looking out with a squint, his shoulders looking less risen and tense then he had all day. You however, shot up so quickly your feet almost stumbled you back over if not for your hand braced against the brick beside you.

It was too far to see his expression, but it wasn’t always the best way to determine what was going on inside Joel’s head. Let him come to you, you told yourself. Constantly going to him, invading his life, disturbing their privacy was all you provided.

He had on a different shirt then before, this one looking much warmer then what was on you. Part of you wondered just how long you had been out here alone. If the sky had anything to say about it, it might have been far longer then you knew.

Now though, being out in the snow? A lack of anything substantial for winter weather having Joel’s eyes look at you, not knowing if in simple concern or judgment. Standing a foot or two away from you, Joel answered the question he saw you open your mouth to ask.

“You were right.” Your back sagged against the brick, this time though your legs finding the strength to hold you up. “Turns out having your whole life upended hurts a whole lot more then being lied to about getting her out of it.” His voice was shoved out in a gruff kind of pain, his eyes fared no better. Bright but not in a shine you yearned for, a pain, an upset that sat heavy in his heart. Just because it didn’t devastate their relationship, doesn’t mean it wasn’t devastating in every other sense.

You swallowed harshly as you nodded. Nothing even in your throat to say, scared to look to long at him, missing the needing stare he gave you that shined in the growing moonlight. Your voice just weak and cracked, “And you?”

The sigh he let out was loud. Arms crossing his chest he paced to put rest his back against a close by tree. The increased distance between you growing larger, you didn’t know how intentional it was. “I said something when she first told me what Marlene wanted with her. They’ve talked about cures all the time and none of them worked. Everyone wanted me to believe in it, in her so badly.”

Clenching his jaw you could see the frustration build and build. Making you feel like you understood without any idea of how to comfort it in a meaningful way. “But she’s a kid, not an answer.”

You yearned to reach out to him, his eyes glazing somewhat as he looked from the night sky, to the ground and back to you as a darker tone resurfaced in his voice. “She didn’t deserve to be treated like some miracle. She needed someone, anyone, to give a shit enough to protect her. Even from them.”

For once you stood still like a stature while Joel kept shifting his stance or his shoulders. “I don’t know if I even believed it when I went back for her. All I knew is it didn’t matter what they wanted, she didn’t deserve that and I couldn’t live with it.”

Your fingernails chipped away at the brick behind you, “Sometimes desperation makes you dumb. Doing bad things because they deluded themselves into thinking as long as they accomplish something then they can keep feeling as if they’re winning.” Sighing out raspily you hoped he couldn’t hear it. “Couldn’t get me anymore, so the second she found a new one? Getting her on that table was all they a cared about.”

“Even though they knew it wouldn’t work.” Joel pushed up from the tree, letting his hands fall to his belt loops trying to close the distance. “Didn’t matter what the truth was, everyone wanted her to be the one to set all of this right. All I could see was a girl who wanted to have a life. Didn’t matter to me what anyone else wanted, I’m not sure it ever did when it came to Ellie.”

Silence fell between you, that feeling in your throat coming back up like it wasn’t able to stop. Your heart falling over at the pain filling his features. “I’m sorry.”

Joel scrunched his face at you. “You’re sorry? For what?”

Throwing your hands out, you for once found yourself starting any kind of argument. “What do you mean what? How about everything I do somehow keeps coming back to fuck you and Ellie’s lives up.”

Joel’s own voice started to match in a frustration level. “Wait- you haven’t done anything.”

Rolling your eyes to the side you struggled to understand what he was even trying to do. “Right, because you’re lives have been so much more peaceful since I showed up and for some reason you just let me hang around no matter what I’ve done.”

Joel tried to come towards you but you just pushed off the wall and circled around to stay away. “I-”

At least it was growing dark enough that Joel couldn’t see the redness in your eyes. “He came looking for Don, Joel. Don never checked in because I killed him, he never even mentioned them. If he was here looking for you, he stopped giving a shit about you the second he saw me. Maybe if I just let him-”

Joel’s anger wasn’t at you but it sat visibly steaming on his face as he tried stepping towards you, but you just stepped away again. “No. I’m not even going to fucking entertain that idea-”

Your head pounded, every modicum of sound screaming as it flowed into your ears. “Well I am, so maybe you should for once, Joel.”

Running a hand over his mouth, you knew he was either going to yell or going to try and come closer, but at the moment you couldn’t tell which one you wanted less. “What do you want from me? Blame you for everything that ever goes wrong? Pretend I don’t want you in my life?”

If he was growing angry, you deflated it by turning to face him. Not quite yelling, but certainly not quiet either. “No, you’re just supposed to not want me in general.”

His volume grew with yours, as did the sharp features on his face grew twisted and stiff. “Well I’m sorry, sweetheart. You don’t get to just stand there and tell me I’m not allowed to love you just because that’s what you expect out of me.”

He didn’t realize what he had just said. And neither did you. The only ones who realized what Joel had just said, were the half awake birds on the treetops and the single pair of ears quietly listening from a far off window.

You pressed your palm to your forehead, trying to will the headache away with the pressure. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do, Joel. I just-”

Joel tried to come closer. His heart was turned up tonight, and between earlier, sitting on a way too low to the ground bed for his frame, running his hand soothingly over his what loose strands of hair splayed out from their ponytail as his little girl finally let that insufferably stubborn wall of hers fall down for once and cried into his lap. That everything that had finally brought them together was all based on a horrific lie that duped them both. Neither he nor her having any idea what to feel about it.

It was too much for him, but nothing compared to the endless turmoil spinning behind Ellie’s eyes as they were laid out what this all truly was. Ellie had been through a lot, too much with him, but for once she let herself react the way she needed. She didn’t do anything, she shouldn’t be brave about it.

Now he’s standing out in his front yard, watching you float around too many emotions for you to figure out what you even felt. Your voice wavering and how you kept stepping away if he came forward. To Joel, it was his own actions that brought this down on them, yet here you stood trying to force him to put every blame on you for just existing.

“Can you just listen to me?”

You wanted everything to stop, your lungs yelling at you and your vision feeling like it wanted to start spinning. “No, Joel-”

His hands gestured uselessly in the air, “Why not?” hoping he didn’t sound angry, but sometimes he wasn’t quite aware enough to know how he was coming off to people. Especially if airing on the side of losing his temper.

You told yourself not to cry, feeling a vile embarrassment if you cried in front of him right now. But your throat felt choked up, and barley managed to spit it out. “Because I don’t get it, Joel.” Everything in his face paused, taken back by what was about to spill out of your heart.

“I don’t understand why you care. I’ve never understood it. I’ve done nothing but get in the way, and you keep just bringing me back when we both know your life would be a hell of a lot easier without me in it. I don’t understand why you keep me around or why you even like me. I just...I don’t get you.”

Pressure build behind your eyes while the rest of you burned with humiliation. Being with Joel exposed parts of your soul that you never even thought to share with another, but the undeniable shake in your voice as you trailed off was twister of panic and tears that you tried to push down. Pretending it was anger.

In anyone else, Joel would have taken it in a worse light. But the silence in him as he grappled with just how little you could see how he felt didn’t sit right inside him. He knew part of this between you both was somewhat new to you. What he didn’t know, is that in fact all of it was new to you.

He was new in every way and now it all swirled on terrifying, your eyes staring at each other until you turned to go back in the house. In your frazzled mind, you hoped maybe Joel wouldn’t yell at you if you were inside. It felt different once you got there though. Countless houses you’ve walked into, abandoned, dilapidated, some in surprisingly good condition. Even your own small one in this very town. But something about being in Joel’s house felt different. Like a warmth spreading through your bones as you walked into the front door.

Your palms sat flat against the back of the couch, trying to count how long your inhales were and focusing on the exhales. Slowly your heart tapered down, the walls around you stopped shrinking in as you hoped when your eyes opened once more the world would stop feeling like it was tumbling around you.

Just seconds ago you felt like if Joel came anywhere close to you, that the weight of your emotions would implode on you. Yet as you heard Joel quietly following you into the house, you couldn’t help but follow where he was by the sounds he made as he walked in.

It all just hit you too fast. Giving yourself no time to process so you chose the worst possible way to react. Too much of your lives were converging together and it kept brewing a storm that you once only had to deal with alone. Now there were actual people in your life who leaving would tear parts of you across the distances between them. The only life that had been in danger since you arrived was your own. Having the forces from yours come down to Joel wasn’t fair. He had no stake in this fight.

He only did the one thing none of those people had the heart or the guts to do for another. And people like her had no right seeking out revenge for someone who wasn’t anywhere near close to what was toted around. Truly thinking about it, there was another person in this house who you know has his back too.

Eyes opening you looked over to her closed door, this time at least knowing she asleep. Only time would heal what you finally had to expose her too.

It was hypocritical of you, how the second two strong arms caged you in against the back of the couch, you leaned back into what you knew was Joel’s warm torso. He stepped in to press you closer to the couch so he could cover your hands with his, fingers linked as much as he could manage in this position.

His chin rests on your shoulder as you both stand with the other against you, a quiet that is far more familiar and soothing then any kind of arguing. Joel must have been watching you, because as soon as you opened your eyes to speak, he leaned his mouth closer to your ear. “Don’t you dare say you’re sorry again.”

Letting you go, Joel pressed himself more into your back as his hands decide to rest more comfortably on your hips. His nose pressed to your hair you nod in agreement. “Guess I’ve scared you enough, only a matter of time until it was my turn to get it.”

Your fingers dug into the couch more, but you still leaned into his touch head tilting back at his every move, even though he always found his way back. “I’m not going to bother telling you not to be. We both know listening to me isn’t exactly your forte.” Joel smirking against the side of your head at your face instantly falling in a playful offence. “I need you to listen to me this time, though.”

One arm slid across your stomach, almost as if he knew your hands were itching to hold onto him in some way. His hold pressing you against him further at the feeling of your nails scratching along his arm slightly. Your nod not enough for him, “Out loud.”

His heartbeat was so much calmer then yours, clearly having taken his jacket off while your back was turned the single thin layers between you meant you could feel him with every breathe. “I’m listening.”

Joel’s own eyes were off in the distance, staring at the table he could see through the door frame. The kind of nerves he saw on you felt like an echo of that night. So wrapped up in how sure he felt, that he forgot how unused to all this you were. Not used to the feelings that came with finding yourself so close to someone you didn’t expect too.

He knew all to well what that was like. The girl he felt in his heart like a father to, laying everything out on the line for. Ellie could look back on that day and joke about it. Trying to make a scene over how mistreated she was anytime he made her do a chore she’d turn back with a hand over her head lambasting the time he so callously threw her entire body into a wall. “Like a piece of meat,” she’d go on like.

Being told she’s nothing but cargo to him, not knowing the pure terror the day he could have truly lost her in more vile ways then he wanted to ever imagine. How it wasn’t the only day either. A small name he only ever felt pain even thinking about slipping from his lips as he looked at Ellie, unable to deny what they had become and just how deeply both of them wanted to hold onto the other.

It was different for you, but he knew whatever family you had wasn’t even present enough for you to care to share. Spending a lifetime outside any kind of walls or city with any form of order, not until you walked into town that day. You were still getting used to him, just as he had to do with Ellie.

“Maybe in another life, this might go down differently. Ellie decides she doesn’t trust me, I get caught off guard, or by some miracle that doctor even had a fucking clue what he was doing.” Both his arm around you and hand on your hip squeezed tighter. “But that’s not going to happen. We have each other, sweetheart. All three of us. You don’t deserve to be dragged back into this shit. And I’m sure as hell not leaving this world for that son of a bitch thinking he had any right to cut her open for some cure that doesn’t fucking exist. Who didn’t give a second thought about murdering the one other kid in my life who has ever felt like a daughter to me.”

You could feel the tensity in his muscles, wanting to turn around you tried to twist but Joel kept you in place. Pressing his lips to the back of your head. “He deserved exactly what you gave him, Joel.” Pausing your minds were both torn between two growing factions, one of which had to be dealt with before the other. “She’ll try to get the jump on us. Think I accidentally taught her the advantage of actually sneaking up on people.”

Joel’s voice was such a deep and bassy rumble in your ear that you couldn’t help your eyes flutter at the sensation. “Then she tries sneaking up on us. You with me?” Nodding in his hold, he muttered “Good girl.”

Oh he did that on purpose. As soon as your thighs tensed, Joel smirked into your hair. “Joel, we’re supposed to be making a plan- this isn’t fair.”

His chuckle was closer to your neck as he traced his nose down your cheek and jaw. “You saying I can’t do both?” The hand around your stomach started tracing over you, the way you’d run your hands through his air he traced over your front. When you didn’t respond right away, Joel’s lips pressed one more kiss right under your ear before nudging you with his nose. “We don’t have to do anything, sweetheart. It’s hasn’t been an easy day. I just want to pull you out of that head of yours.”

This time as you went to turn in his grip he let you. Your hands finding a home on his waist as he kept his back on your hips. His hair somehow just as light and fluffy now as it was when you woke up that morning. Coaxing you awake with his kiss as your hands found his still messy sleeping hair.

It was just as lovely now, the yellow tinged lights making the greys highlight the rest of the colour that suited him so beautifully. His eyes treading on a darker lust, but instead of a greedy tinge there sat almost a need. Something softer that not even a year ago he thought he’d never even consider wanting anymore. “What is it you want, Joel?”

Just like he didn’t expect this to be something he ever would want, he almost would never have guessed how easily you got him to open up to you. He’s not sure he’s ever been like this with a woman, even in his old life.

But you held nothing but an innocent generosity in your eyes, and Joel wasn’t about to part ways with that either. “Call me needy,” leaning to your face his nose trailed along yours as your eyes slid shut. “But what I want, is to feel how warm and tight you are for a little while.”

Joel read your body like a book, could feel in the smallest actions, the certain pitch of a tiny gasp or the way your body seemed to tense up and shiver at the same time. You always struggled to tell him what you wanted, but he was working you through that. Joel was perfectly happy to take care of you, typically because what he needed matched what you needed perfectly.

And talking wasn’t always the easiest way to get either of you out of your heads. Joel trying to lull you into his touch when you still hadn’t let go yet. “But if she-”

One hand tilting you up to his eyes again,”How many does she have with her, if you were to guess?”

If this was about Ellie, there was no way she’d be involved. She wasn’t apart of the group, and there weren’t many people who would follow her on a revenge quest for the father instead of towards the girl they thought they finally had in their possession. “Maybe one or two others, besides him.” Your head nodded in the general direction. “Probably looked at a few different areas. Couple other smaller communities in the state that they would have looked at first. Likely didn’t realize anything was wrong until Owen didn’t check back in. Maybe a day away from here or so.”

Joel looked through you as he went over something in his head, you guess you still weren’t that good at reading him. Not knowing what plan he was going over. His eyes met yours finally, dipping down to your lips before slowly dragging them back up. “We’re bigger, means she’s got to be more careful. In other words, you can afford to let me have you for a couple hours. Dead man’s final request and all.”

Your face fell flat along with a weight settling back down in your stomach. “That’s not funny.”

He shrugged one shoulder, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “Is it?” The unamused look on your face still tinged in anxiety had Joel switch gears again. He didn’t find anything funny in joking about you or Ellie that way, so maybe it was fair you didn’t find jokes about him funny either. “Hey, I already told you. I’m not going anywhere. None of us are.”

Biting the inside of your cheek you shifted your eyes off to the side before nodding. Feeling Joel press another kiss to the side of your head as he shoved you towards the hall. “Go, I’ll be right there.”

In his room and in the hall you both lingered on something. Your fingertips trailing over the almost insignificant things on his dresser. Tiny pieces of Joel that if he were gone, wouldn’t really belong there anymore. A thought making you sick to your stomach. You’d rather she come for you, at least they could go back to their regular lives.

Joels own fingers flipping through the pages. Knelt down he quietly had pulled the journal from where it sat close on Ellie’s bed. He let her discover it, he already knew what it would say, just in details that actually mattered.

She went through most of the reactions she could, denial, anger, lashing out before she exhausted herself leaving tears the only energy she had left in her. It tore his chest right open exposing his heart to the cold air. They were the monsters and not only did they want to kill him all for a man who tried to take his own girl’s life but now the delusional lies they told themselves left her feeling betrayed and used.

But it wasn’t just her was it? By some miracle some higher power gave Joel not one, but two things in this nightmare to hold onto. Sometimes it was frustrating, watching you unable to believe what he wanted to give you, but then again he wasn’t much different with Ellie was he?

Ellie pulled him out of a darkness, and Joel had no intention of not doing the same to you. And he knew damn well Ellie felt the same.

Standing in his room, it occurred to you that maybe you should try to be sexy, allure Joel to you or anything like that. You felt stupid though even thinking about where to start or if he would just roll his eyes at you for trying.

The door closing knocked a sense into you, realizing maybe he wanted you to be ready by now you almost flinched back before starting to pull your shirt up. Two large hands however covered yours as he pressed himself behind you. “Doing my job for me.”

Your arms went willingly Joel stopped to pull your bra up over you along with the shirt, dropping it down into a messy pile. He wasted no time in filling his hands up with your breasts, almost kneading the plush skin as your back arched into his chest with a breathless gasp. He didn’t want you like this though, he wanted all of you.

Using his thumb and index finger he tugged slightly at both your nipples letting you choke a moan back as he moved onto the rest of you. His taller figure leaned over you, the once presumed glare narrowing his features now rung in your head as an introspective train of thought, determined in whatever task even with his arms wrapped around your front skillfully undoing the button on your pants.

A shiver ran down your spine as his mouth bent to press a feather light kiss to your neck so he could reach lower, dragging the zipper down and grasp the waistline. Your shivering from the winters cold air still floating through the room, you felt your limbs tingle as he mumbled into your neck, “Be good for me.”

Slowly starting to pull both your pants and underwear down, Joel couldn’t help his greed, pausing to squeeze fistfuls of your ass almost too roughly before continuing to pull them off of you. Before he could do anything else, once you stood bare in front of him, you turned in his hold quickly.

Sudden movement catching him by surprise, it gave you enough time to already start undoing his belt and zipper. Joel’s own plans caught in his mouth at just how easily you made him so unbearably hard just at your small careful hands trying to pull out his cock before he even has properly touched you yet.

He didn’t let you get as far as the faint beginning of you moving your fingers to grasp at his own pants before snatching your hands. Your eyes wide as he held them in the air, his eyes dark with a mocking disapproval. “Now what did I say about being good for me?”

That tingle in your limbs spreading through your heart out into your veins as you bit slightly at your bottom lip at his tone. Your hands fell loose in his grip causing him to switch to approval. Maneuvering you so he now was the one with his back to the bed, he held you at your hips walking you over to the bed.

“Now, are you going to let me do something for you? Something new?” Your eyebrows raised in question, unsure to what he meant. You thought at this point you had done mostly everything or at least knew everything.

Living outside of the walls didn’t exactly foster an environment eager to share or teach the fun side of sex, or you know, it in general in your case. “I-yeah.” Boy, how enthusiastic of you.

Joel only smiled softly though, pulling your chin in to press a soft kiss before pulling you onto the bed with him. Joel the one laying with his back on the sheets, he guided you so your core sat pressed right against the bumpiness that blocked his cock under the open belt. Large warm hands running over and squeezing the plush skin he could grab at watching you slip your fingers to smooth over his stomach under his shirt.

“Come up here, sweetheart.”

You both had two different intentions. One being you assuming he means for a kiss, the other using his strong arms to pull your hips off his clothed cock and up his body. Suddenly your soft touch against his skin turned into a much more urgent press against his chest, “Wait, wait-” Joel kept you in place, but his eyes narrowed in concern at your tone. Your question confusing him somewhat. “What are you doing?”

His tone slow and clear as he worry turned to a bit of confusion. “I’m just trying to taste you, sweetheart. Just like always,”

Your fingers pressed into him more, causing him to sit up slightly as you looked hesitant and even somewhat embarrassed. “But why would I-” Your eyes casted down at anywhere but his face as you put the not so complicated clues together. “Why would you want it that way? Instead of you know, like we usually...” Christ you couldn’t possibly feel less attractive currently.

Joel raised an eyebrow, letting your hips back down without moving you away, his hands now smoothing over your thighs. “Because I really want my mouth on this pussy, sweetheart.”

Your body tensed which he didn’t like at all. “Why would you, I mean wouldn’t you find that...” You hesitated on saying gross, having a feeling that wouldn’t be a word to go over well. “...uncomfortable?”

Joel’s hands squeezed your thighs as his head flopped back down onto the pillow. Unable to stop wondering what kind of encounters you had out there. You genuinely just didn’t know what he was trying to do, looking at him in the most confused innocent way he’s ever seen on you. “Jesus fucking christ, you’re going to kill me.” Barely mumbling under his breathe. Sitting up properly, he maneuvered you into his lap. “We don’t have to do it, but I really fucking want to.”

Your hands tapping at his shoulders, you seemed to drop some of the embarrassment leaving just an uncertainty. “I just don’t get why you’d want to..can’t I just suck your cock?”

Joel’s head dropping down onto your shoulder as he mumbled even more. Sliding his hand between your bodies, he felt a trace of your wetness, using what he could touch to slide up and rub into your clit. “We can do that if you want. Or we can do both at the same time.”

This time you smiled, pulling back with a laugh as he joined keeping you from going too far off in his hold. “Okay that sounds even worse for you.”

He let you get away with it this time. Joel pulled you into his lips, sighing as you let his tongue tease and slide into your mouth as he kissed you. The push and pull of his tongue against yours sending shock waves between your legs adding to what you already knew was making a mess. His kiss and his tongue always making you so lightheaded.

Taking advantage of how lost you got in his kiss, Joel suddenly lurched forward, sending your back to fall against the rest of the bed as he crawled over top of you. Your hands finding their way to rake through his hair as he kissed you more.

Joels hands unable to choose a spot to touch you, from your hips to thighs and back to to teasing your nipples, he tucked his head into your neck once more as he kissed the skin there.

One hand of your leaving his hair, trailing down his broad back to his narrower lower side before sliding under to gently take his cock into your hand. His hands gripping his preexisting hold on your nipples tighter as he groaned. Joel covering your body so much made the angle not easy, but you ran your thumb over hips tip already leaking onto your hand.

In a move that actually caused Joel’s body to jump, you suddenly smoothed your palm all over the tip of his cock, smearing the precum over it before sliding it down the length you could reach. Enough precum on you to fill the air with the slick sounds of his skin with each stroke. Joel moaned into your neck before trying to smother it with biting a mark into it. He was too long and too thick to cover enough even half of his cock, but your grip was tight and strokes fast but steady.

Yanking your head to angle for his mouth, you gripped him tighter in pleasure at how his hold on your hair was so commanding. Biting against your lips this time until you whined in need of a breathe. The feeling of his lips sliding across your cheek to right against your ear. “I want this pussy, not your hand.”

Sliding own he pushed your thighs out to spread enough for his size. Giving you no warning for how quickly he moved his mouth over your clit. His hands never letting go of your spread legs with a bruising strength, his was shameless in how sloppy he was. Licking at your clit only to almost kiss it as he would your actual lips. The same soaked licks moving down to tease at your entrance, to your clit and back.

One hand roughly shoved its way to your mound, pressing the heel of his calm into your clit soaked with you and his own saliva and rubbed short quick strokes. As one knee bent with your gasp, Joel used his free hand to greedily hold the soft skin of your waist before licking into you feverishly.

Your back arched off the bed as a shock stabbed through you, sending a fiery pleasure into every stretch of your nerves. He licked into you with no cohesive pattern or approach, just drinking from you like a man starved for only one need. His rubbing into your clit lost in your wetness form how little he moved away from it, but deep in Joel he knew the slight burn of drier friction on your clit yanked cries from you.

Your orgasm suddenly hit you with a force, “Oh fuck, Joel-” A white hot train flowing from your clit and soaked right into Joel who only added to the feeling as he moaned into your pussy. His grip already so tight he’d be able to see bruises once he was done with you.

He never let up, “Fuck, baby.” Mumbling to himself as he licked more inside of you, letting his hand slide down to gather more from your core he realized just how unbelievably soaked you were. His tongue grazing up against a sensitive wall inside of you, he gave you zero time to calm down.

The wet rubs of two fingers against your clit, harsh pushing and tight strokes the wet sounds filling the air alongside how relentless he tasted you. Your hands tightly grasping the sheets just above your head as your whole lower half arched closer to his mouth.

Your heart beat widely out of your chest as the pleasure coiled inside of you without ever letting you recover from the sudden burst of your first orgasm. Your legs shook as he kept them bent by the knee, feet flat on the sheets as they were spread as far as he could manage.

You didn’t even realize when one hand left your hip, his grip so tight it held a phantom sting in its departure. Joel’s own hips lifting up enough to start shoving his jeans down as far as he could manage without leaving your cunt.

The groan vibrating through your body as he finally was free down to his knees and pressed his cock into the sheets adding to whatever mess he was pulling from you. You didn’t have words this time, just high pitched gasps and desperate attempts at his name that were interrupted by sharp jolts of pleasure almost bordering on pain.

The flying burn of your orgasm this time felt like a flood passing the bloodstream. A needing warmth engulfing you as the white noise in your ears turned out whatever was passing by Joel’s lips. You missed it the first time, and now the second time.

Joel didn’t realize it either. He knew exactly the feeling and why it made him take you with such a lack of control but neither of you were in the state of mind that night to hear it.

You had just barley felt the final shocks of pleasure as Joel pulled from you. His face twisted close to a snarl as he impatiently pulled his jeans off the rest of the way. Grabbing the back of his shirts collar and throwing it beyond sight.

His chest leading to such a soft stomach made his thick cock stand out between his legs. You touched the skin over his chest near his heart, but Joel couldn’t handle such a soft touch. Not right now. He couldn’t lay there and let himself feel your gentleness without something in his heart snapping. Instead, Joel yanked up your hips and sunk his cock into your folds.

Your name moaned from his mouth, “Fuck, don’t- oh fuck.” You hadn’t come down yet, aftershocks of your orgasm overwhelmed your system as you felt his thick cock sliding into you. Clenching around him without trying to tease, you were still soaking his cock from your orgasms.

Joel buried his face into your neck. One hand fisted into the sheets beside your head as he closed his eyes. Your arms wrapped around his neck, you paused mid motion as your rang your hands through the ends of his hair as one arm wrapped around your waist to keep himself tucked inside you but strong enough to keep you from moving.

It actually took a bit before Joel tempered whatever aggression was overwhelming him. He wanted to do this for you, but now your touch, your cunt, your soft lips always speaking and pressing so sweetly against his? It tugged at his heart just as much as he took over all of your senses.

The grip on your hair tempered down to cupping the back of your head. Joel moving to consume you in a less rough kiss, but the damage was already done to your swollen bitten lips. The plumpness just like his own without the greedy teeth markings.

Your heart slowing down, but somehow still hard enough to feel in your chest at his touch. Joel pulled away, tracing his nose along yours. “Turn around for me, sweet girl.”

Joel gently shushing comfortingly at you at your whine when he pulled out. But you complied. Joel’s mouth was open, panting as his hands clenched beside him watching you go willingly move to your hands and knees. But that’s not the closeness either of you truly needed.

You sighed at how much more gentle his touch was, moving you up to kneel your back against his chest just like earlier. His cock slid between your thighs, already soaked as it teased between your folds. “Just like that, I’ve got you.”

One of your arms reaching behind to find a tender home in his now messy hair, while the other laid flat against the arm wrapping around your stomach. “Please,” You leaned your head against his shoulder as Joel rubbed your stomach and hip with his free hand. His brown eyes bright and so much less of a dark lust, replaced with a soft almost desperateness. “I want to feel you. Please? I can still take it, I just want you inside of me.”

You felt so one note in your brain, but Joel dealt the killing blow when he pressed his lips to yours. Not rough, or commanding, just soft kisses that he struggled to part from. Finally moving to grip his cock, he pulled away and turned your head to look down.

Joel slid his cock inside of you, not spending a moment to stop and let you adjust to his size. Just one smooth stroke that didn’t thrust into you too fast until you were sat totally full of his cock. “Always slide so well into you,”

Your eyes squeezing shut at the sight, his cock was so thick watching it slide deep inside you was too much to handle. Your head leaned back against him, lungs stuttering at how drastic he was handling you now compared to mere minutes ago.

Joel held you tightly against him, burying his face into your neck and shoulder as he started to finally slide his cock almost out of you. Your whimper at the prospect of him leaving you empty poking at something distressing in your mind.

You weren’t sure he ever kept up a pace this slow. Your pussy so tight and wet around his cock, making the sounds of him pulling and pushing his cock in and out so much louder. How much you’ve already cum so much more obvious as he moaned into your shoulder.

You couldn’t tell anyone how long you were there. Knelt back against his chest as his cock fucked into you, not even hard enough to call it thrusting. Your chest felt so constricted yet filed with a warmth that would be cozy if his cock wasn’t sliding right up against such a sensitive wall inside of you.

Inside of you this time the coil was just a slow and calm. But the addition of how tight he already pushed your orgasm too had this build up flutter around you. It just slipped from your lips, the brave face you tried to fake in front of him, in front of everyone crumbled with his squeezing hands and slow slide of his cock inside of you. Something deep in your heart plead. “Stay with me, please. God, Joel- stay with me.”

Your eyes were shut and Joels arms held you tighter. His jaw clenching, teeth gritted as his breaths came out in rasping pants. He pressed his lips into your neck and whatever part of your jaw he couch reach. “Always, sweet girl. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere. “

Even as his cock throbbed inside of you as your walls clenched around him, as the burning orgasm threatened to overtake you once more, it all mixed together as you just whispered his name. The drag of his cock along the sensitive walls of your cunt pushed tears from your eyes.

Gasps and breathless pleas let go of the stinging tears behind your eyes and cried down your cheeks as one final loud and wet push of his cock inside of you had whatever hold you had on him dig your nails into his skin.

Your orgasm pulling a gasping sob from you. Just one, but loud enough in Joel’s ears to cover your mouth as your pleasure sung into his hand. Joel couldn’t take it any longer. His cock so desperate to burst, he moaned into your neck and finally came.

Your pussy fluttering around him, as his cum spilled inside of you. Thick and to both of you, never ending. He came inside of you more then he could remember, filling you with warm cum that didn’t stop the tears of your need.

By the time you both came down, you had dropped more then Joel had thought. Your eyes barley open, as your struggled to catch your breathe. Weak nods to his questions, asking if you were with him, what you needed, weak thank yous to him just saying how perfect you fit him.

He shushed in your ear when he pulled out, never letting both hands off of you and his lips somewhere close to yours. You both laid in bed for a while, both your bare, sweat covered bodies, your lower half a little more wet with cum then what he didn’t bother cleaning from his cock. He held you with his nose pressed into your hair waiting for you to come down before he even thought of getting up to clean you off.

Your mind was fuzzy and your face felt the aftermath of tears but none of it had any regret. Your eyes were closed, fine with coming down in his arms as you faced one another. Slowly ready to peel your eyes open, you noticed he wasn’t at your eye level, his face in your hair. His breathing enough confirmation he hadn’t fallen asleep.

You burned between your legs, the mix of rough and soft kept the memory of his thick throbbing cock inside of you. You knew you were covered in cum between your thighs but you didn’t have any reason to want to get rid of it anytime soon.

You did however ask to do something Joel ignored. Smirking, you suddenly left his gentle pressed arms, down his body. He flipped onto his back reflexively to see what you were doing, before hissing out.

Licking the tip of his cock before sinking down around the rest. His cock now soft but it still was coated in your orgasm and his cum. Joels moans were stuttering and needy as he cupped the back of your head, still bobbing up and down his length sucking him until his chest was ready to explode. He called your name in warning along with more strings of swearing through hissed teeth, “Jesus fucking christ, baby”, but you already were slowing down the second it bordered too overwhelming for him.

Your mouth sliding down to press your nose into the coarse dark hair around his cock, before very slowly sliding back, making sure his cock didn’t leave you until you had sucked him clean. Only fair he gets even the slightest idea of how overstimulated he so greedily made you.

Sliding him gently out of your mouth you went to come back up to his level. Your hand cupped his soft length now resting between his legs before your palm moving to his stomach. Chest, and the cupping the side of his face as you rubbed your thumb along his facial hair.

Joel chuckled deeply in his chest, pulling your face to his with fingers pulling your chin as he kissed you. Pushing you back into the sheets with half his body over you as you shared a gentle kiss. “You are such a goddamn brat.”

You smiled back, letting his tongue tease yours as you tried to find breathes into between the kiss. “Maybe. Just for you though.”

He nuzzled his nose against yours then pressed a kiss to it. He didn’t say it, he so badly wanted to say it but so much of his emotions came out in times like this. He wanted to tell you in quiet peace, make sure you understand your heart belongs to him for the rest of his life. Telling you now, he didn’t want to risk you thinking it was just to keep you calm or not upset.

Neither of you realizing he’s already said it twice this very evening.

Only one of those times did it reach someones brain, but to their dismay, it was neither of you who even heard what came out of his own mouth.

You spoke quietly into the night. Joel on his back as he kept his arms around you to rest on his chest. Sometimes you sat up enough to look at him properly, ensuring you both understood the plans, backup plans, and what might be the safest option. At least for in his home, in a town of innocent people.

You needed Joel, but Joel needed you like he never even wanted from anyone else before. The concept of a deep need in his heart to keep a woman like you close in his arms like a lifeline would have been foreign not long ago. But then again, meeting Ellie changed a lot about what was going on in Joel’s head and heart.

You took your time joining the two of them that morning. Still balancing intruding on what was no doubt an emotional time between those two, and wondering exactly what Ellie would even see you as.

Joel for his part was as normal as possible, with an underlying closeness both he and Ellie stuck to each other with with a different kind of silent intensity. You did tell him your news would be the actually hurtful one. Ellie stopped moving her fork the second you turned the corner, a stare that almost felt judging but the slightest softening as she sniffed and forced her face impassive.

Sensing Joel watching her carefully, Ellie glanced up at his flat expression with one eyebrow raised. Her own face falling just as flat. “What? I already used my crying quota for the week. And I’m not getting it all over my eggs either.”

It wasn’t enough to jostle her, but Joel nudging the side of her head lightly before sharing a more serious glance with you. His eyes nodded over to a drawer in the counter, watching you for as long as he could follow. Neither of you wanting to make a scene about it in front of Ellie.

Watching the their backs as you silently wrapped the your knife sheath around your waist, quickly covering it purposely with one of Joel’s jackets that sat just blow it on your thigh. He had taken it upon himself to sharpen your usual knife for you, not before stopping of course to comment on how shit it looked. Words of praise towards your equipment he was full of.

You had found yourself alone with Owen when Joel was distracted. Ellie prompted out of the house from a Maria that gave Joel a knowing look. He had stopped by earlier to talk to them, and she agreed to keep Ellie out with her, purposely around a decent amount of people.

A spark of need inside your heart telling you that he at least deserved water. He didn’t say much, but his eyes spoke for him. A surprise at being given any hospitality.

Almost ending up giving him an entire bottle, you watched him with one hand hovering somewhat near his face. Looking between the water and his face, you tilted your head as you considered if you were willing to ignore the part of you that people like him tried to deprive you of. “If I take that off of you,” using your free hand to gesture to his gag, “Are you going to stay quiet?”

Owen seemed exhausted, nodding his head almost lazily as your chest raised in a deep breathe. “You make any noise, this time I’m just going to stuff it right into your mouth.” There wasn’t much in the way of conviction in your voice, but as you slowly untied the gag he made no sound aside from catching his breath.

Flipping the bottle against the cloth, you let it soak for a while on the cleanest side where it sat at the back of his head.

Silence, Joel was used too. He lived in it, too much of it for a long time even. Even through the turmoil in his head, the quiet still helped him stay clear. Listening to any hint of a sound and knowing how to react to it.

Probably why he didn’t search for you when he found himself seemingly alone in the house. If he had one distraction it was you, and an unshakable need to make sure he could hear or see your every step. The past few weeks had really set that tendency in motion. But he needed silence. And he heard it break.

Getting the jump on him outside in the world was one thing, but this was his territory. Somewhere he could sense the slightest thing out of place. Joel just raised two hands slightly in the air. He knew it could be a variety of possibilities behind him, so he played ball. For now. “You really think I can’t tell when someone’s in my own home?”

“Just turn around. Slowly.”

Joel expected something not quite what he saw. Dark eyes and angry, willing to do anything for that ravaging vengeance inside. But no. The woman behind him wasn’t quite that. As if it was what she wanted to put on but there was an uncertainty in her eyes that made him narrow his. Her face was tense, looking over him with her arm outstretched as much as she could. Either keeping the gun as close to him as possible, or wanting to keep as much distance from him.

“You live here?”

Joel’s eyes darkened more at the woman. “You sure don’t.”

“Just answer the question, you live here right? With a girl? Fucking, what’s her name, Ellie?”

Sometimes anger worked in favour of the advantage, but not against him. Joel mastered the art of anger as motivation and there wasn’t a single second ever again did he want any of her kind of people saying that girls name. His face steeled at her, hands up almost just for show at this point. “Keep her name out of this. I think we both know who you’re looking for.”

A realization dawned on her, and it only pissed her off that much more that he was having no reaction of fear. “You’re him right?” Joel cocked an eyebrow but nothing more. “The hospital, that was you right? You’ve got the girl, after everything you’ve done I can’t imagine you’d dump her off somewhere. People usually don’t ditch people they’ve murdered innocent people for.”

Her own teeth started to grit as she spat her words out with eyes no doubt growing red. “You in the habit of cutting open a fucking child and calling yourself a good person for it?”

Shaking her head, Joel could hear how hard she was trying to keep her breathing under control, her fingers on the gun twitching slightly and not from any kind of trigger fingers. “No right, you had no fucking right he was a goddamn person-”

Joel’s hands started to lower, and yet it didn’t make her any more confident. The twitch turned into what looked like her hand shaking. “And she’s my daughter.”

She shook her head, eyes falling in darkness to something much more complicated. “So what you get your daughter and I have to loose my own father for it? Fucking..people like you...”

No doubt this was a plan much more confident in theory, because Joel risked a step forward as his face twisted more into something of anger she took a step back. Readjusting her aim with an unsteady arm.

“Put your hands back up,”

They remained just barley by his sides, “You think I’m gonna reach for something? ‘Cus trust me you even think about pulling that trigger and I’ll make sure you regret it.”

Whatever laugh she let out was weak, but the tense look one could mistaken for crazed told a thousand different emotions. “I’m not stupid, I know you don’t have a fucking weapon on you.”

The one he thought was in the room wasn’t. Getting caught off guard by her after getting caught off guard by it’s lack of presence. Ellie didn’t always put things in the right place after she tries to sneak them away. His voice was low, even, and absolute that it made her hair stand on end. “You really think I need a gun to kill you?”

You don’t remember Grady being particularly smart. Loyal, good at following orders but missing the basic function of checking a corner. Crouching as he snuck into the room, he could see Owen knelt on the floor, blood on his face, chest, hands and a swollen eye as even his gag was blood soaked. What he didn’t see was you.

One arm suddenly wrapped around his face, the fabric of it’s jacket shoved to muffle his voice as the other hand pressed a cold metal to the bottom of his head right at his chin. Unlike the shaky arm holding a similar gun at Joel, you had the advantage of having yours at least pressed right against the mans head. Grady didn’t feel the shake in your bones behind the straining muscle.

Moving him closer to the open door, your heart pounded so harshly that you could throw up from the shaking pressure it put on you. You could hear her yelling, and a dangerously low cadence from Joel, but she was getting louder and angrier.

And while you had this one and a knife strapped to your side, Joel’s gun sat tucked behind your back only realizing whoever touched it last, didn’t put it where Joel had clearly expected to grab it before being snuck up on.

He was bigger, stronger then her. But if she shot first then it didn’t matter how much Joel could overpower her. She was yelling more, and so did your limbs shake. You were supposed to help have this under control, but she was looking for blood and Joel’s own gun wasn’t in his hand.

“Give me one good reason I shouldn’t shoot you dead right now you fucking bastard-” Joel must have said something in response, “Her dad for my dad it’s only fair,”

You couldn’t stand there, you couldn’t let him deal with her on his own. You push an already aggressive dog to the edge, then she’s just going to go for the throat because she can. Plan B it was. Despite not knowing what that entailed.

A hallway door was kicked open, and following right out was a man Joel didn’t recognize but by the confused anger on her face, she did. Deep down Joel wished the voice was Tommy. There was no hesitation the man could handle himself, and didn’t make Joel feel cold and petrified at having to involve you in this more.

But you rang a warning shot at a higher part of the wall that had the woman jump in startle. What followed though, was a reaction that in a way reminded him of you. Likely an ironic association, because all that it took was you yell out who you were. Her eyes widened as the hand pointed right at Joel trembled. A washing devastation that surpassed mere surprise, something she didn’t expect and neither had Owen.

The man on the floor pressed himself up against the wall in fear as did a new unsettling emotion come over the woman in front of Joel. But you piled onto something that just dug deeper,

Your voice almost a shout that shook in what Joel felt in his heart a terrified urgency. “You know who I am Abby, and what I’ll do to Owen and Grady if you don’t bring Joel to me.”

Whatever intimidation she felt from a man she considered a monster, Abby’s entire being shook. Her gun was on Joel but she could barley keep her eyes on him or on Grady just looking at her desperately for help. This wasn’t a normal fear, almost one that was like seeing a ghost she could only hear.

Her yell back was a rasping screech as she morphed her features into too much to keep up with. “You do anything, and I swear to god-” She’d what? Shoot the man in front of her and set you lose on her?

You needed to scare her. Swallow the dizzying sickness in your head and the bile from eating at your chest. You couldn’t take the chance of her first instinct to act at Joel before you did hers.

You shook as you pointed the gun at Grady, but you were hidden behind the wall from her sight, and the sting in your eyes couldn’t be used against you. Blood splattered all over the wall behind Grady's head, the booming shot and painted red had Abby flinch back.

Joel didn’t move. A deep seeded anger at who his life was at the expense of burned his soul, but he didn’t dare risk letting it happen. If Abby was going to shoot, it sure as hell wouldn’t be at him or his own.

In barley a second, you holstered the gun so quick it could have missed and dropped to the floor. The knife at your side flew into your hand, gripping tight as you hauled Owen over in front of you, your knife pressed so much to his throat he made the most inaudible squawks of protest at the sharpness.

Hauling him up partially on his feet, you pressed with better leverage. “Your boys next Abby- give him to me,” Your voice yelled, so loud it scratched your throat at the strain. It was violent and angry, and you only wished it made you feel it too. Instead you stood, braced against the wall with a knife keeping Owens battered self in your threat as your soul kept shaking and holding back the sting in your eyes.

Abby’s jaw clenched as she swore, her yell echoing down the halls. “Fuck- okay.”

It was the only choice for you and her. She wanted Owen back, and you needed Joel. A conflict in her eyes as she looked between the man now slumped over in the hall, and the darkness in a pair of eyes she never truly prepared herself to face properly.

Abby’s eyes peeled off the sightless body to the open air between it and the door. “We make a trade. I bring him to you, I get Owen back and we leave. Got it?”

You looked to the side, knowing nothing was out the view you could see out the door anyways. “You touch him in anyway and I slit this throat. Got it?”

One request was shouted back. “Toss the gun.”

It wasn’t even a second later the gun banged far out on the wooden floor. You it turned out, weren’t the only one with a shaking fear of losing their companion. There wasn’t a soul in that house didn’t radiate that very perilous fear. Joel looked at Abby with his features sharp and penetrating. Her other hand having to rise up and join her hold on the gun just to keep it aimed at him. “This isn’t over you understand me?”

Abby didn’t appear to know what scared her more. The threat of death you held at Owens throat, or just how terrifyingly cold Joel’s unblinking expression didn’t move from. This was supposed to be easy, kill some guy who shot her father for no reason. But standing here, motioning for him to walk slowly towards the hall? It was made clear that you and Joel weren’t regular people, and this was exposing itself to be something she didn’t remotely prepare for.

It felt like agony standing there, each creak of the floorboard screaming in the terse silence the only indication of life. Owen’s blood was seeping into your clothes and staining your skin at this point and there was next to nothing holding back the pressure behind your eyes.

You wanted to be someone else. Someone brave, a person others would look at and say is some kind of fighter, someone a kid like Ellie would amusingly call a bad ass. But you stood holding a man at knife point trading his life for the man you love didn’t make you feel brave. Just scared. Scared beyond whatever danger you had been alone in the past, and sick to your stomach that it took up until now for you to feel brave enough to even think that word.

They were outside the door, but you shook. Grip on the knife so tight you might have started hurting your own palm with the tight grip as you were hurting Owen’s neck with the blade. The bravery wasn’t even in your voice. “Joel first.”

“Show me him. Let me see him.”

You were done paying any kind of hero or savior. Instead just tearing the knife away and shoving Owen enough that he stumbled onto the ground. Hands behind his back still too bound to steady him.

Joel was handed over first. Whatever passed between them unknown to you until a tidal wave hit your heart as you both reached for the other the second he came in view. Joel’s own expression harsh, nostrils flared as his rage was barley contained in his bones. His warm hands gripping your forearms as he looked at a watering overflow of something grander then fear pass your face as you looked him over for anything hurt.

He cupped one of your cheeks as you took a deep breathe. Joel’s eyes narrowed in question, and you nodded. Hoping the shaking breathe you let you was only audible to one. His hand keeping your touch as it wasn’t leaving one of your wrists, almost keeping your mind back at his side as you turned the corner.

Neither of you looked like the visage of bravery your actions spoke. Neither of you even tried. Abby’s eyes widened with a taken back sort of shock as she looked at you. A name she kept hearing and denying, but your face that of what she long remembered as a memory. A bite sharp on your arm before watching your gun raise as she fell back to the ground.

She lived, and kept trying to deny that you could have either. But you both looked at each other, as she held her own gun to you. Resting one side against the door frame just to keep it steady, while your own hand kept the knife painfully tight.

Joel stood behind you, and you felt him pull up your jacket slightly, resting the fabric to expose what you had hidden away behind you. Abby was staring at you and you back, she didn’t even see Joel’s hands moving near your back.

Her words slurred together, teeth bordering on gritting from the force. “Give him to me.”

Joel squeezed your arm holding the knife. Don’t move was his touch. Abby’s gaze continued to plaster all over you, and yours taking her person in, in a capacity she couldn’t possibly even guess now. Blood ringing in your ears hearing the shuffling behind you. Abby kept it on you now, a woman much more a fighter unable to tear her attention away from how entangled your lives became.

Your own eyes stung. Unable to move or blink, looking at the very thing that confused you. Was her being here what scared you, or how very real losing the one thing that brought you to a purpose was becoming?

As soon as Joel slightly pushed Owen, Abby snatched him with one arm and yanked him to her side, Owen barley keeping himself up despite his hands now free. Joel having undone them bringing him over. But as soon as he was out of his hand, he reached for your back once more. His arm smoothly pulling the gun, and now aiming it at Abby. She didn’t just try to kill him, now she had her gun pointing at you and it was pushing Joel to an edge he was close to forcing you to let him fall off.

His instincts were quicker then hers, and he dared her to end it the smarter way, as opposed to joining the mess on the walls behind her.

Her eyes flickered between the two of you, mind racing with questions not even she could understand at that moment. You weren’t supposed to be here, this wasn’t even about you. Blind to what kind of people she walked in on, she just looked at you and Joel unable to land on what to do.

You could feel something vile rising in your throat, just as unable to grasp what was unfolding in front of you. Abby had no right to make this about Joel. Either she knew the truth and lost herself beyond the capacity of her own humanity, or she was left in the dark and didn’t care to turn the lights on herself. A fact you couldn’t feel okay with. Your voice was mostly just a whisper once you found the strength to push something forward. “This is really just about your father?”

You didn’t need to hear the answer to that. You already knew by a confused pain in her eyes. Not understanding what else this could possibly be over. To her it was almost a taunt, her failure she was able to see through, but to you? A memory that no longer felt pushed away. A truth that was fighting tooth and crawl to attack you at your door.

Owen leaned against her exhausted and bloody. Lowering her gun she glanced down to your arm, it was covered and there was nothing to see though. Remaining you a ghost.

Her gaze flicked to Joel’s own aim, no shake or tremble to be found. Don described nothing more then some guy had done it, but the inflamed emotions boiling behind Joel’s eyes wasn’t the story she had been sold on. So they ran. Slamming open a back door you not to long ago ran out of just as harshly, also running from these very people but for drastically different reasons.

You didn’t register Tommy or Maria coming in, you only had the capacity to feel Joel pull you into his chest. One arm wrapped tightly around your stomach as you finally leaned back into him. Your eyes squeezing shut, you felt Joel gently take your knife from your fingers and put it back in it’s sheath as he spoke to Tommy.

You grabbed the wrist that wasn’t around you, holding it just as he did when he first came back to you still needing him to ground you to the floor. These weren’t two worlds ever meant to mix. This was supposed to be a solace for him and a breather for you, but you combined your lives and now stood a mess painted with the looming of blood.

Was this your fault? And if not why couldn’t you have done something to actually end this?

You thought back to the night you and Joel opened up to each other. How the worst emotion you felt was finding out how Tommy blabbed about your feelings for him by the very man you had the such a humiliating crush on. How letting him in was so scary to you back then.

Would all of this have happened anyways? Or was letting him kiss you that night, pull you into his arms and he yours forever entangling your hearts in ways new to both of you the catalyst?

If this was all your fault, would Joel end up despising you for not fixing this?

#joel miller x reader #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x you #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller imagine #joel miller fic #joel miller fanfic #joel miller fanfiction #the last of us imagine

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sarahsmi13s · 1 year ago

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When Sharks Attack

whumptober day 9: scar reveal

pairing: evan 'buck' buckley x reader

characters: evan buckley, fem!reader, the 118

warnings: blood, shark attacks, scar reveal, language, anxiety attack, let me know if i missed anything please

word count: ~1.3k

a/n: this is for whumptober! please please please proceed with caution and use discretion, protect your peace

also if you are on the whump taglist but are not familiar with a character, you can skip it will not hurt my feelings!

whumptober 2023 masterlist

summary: when a call takes you to the scene of a shark attack you can't help but feel a sense of deja vu and reveal the one think you never thought you could

You sighed as you looked in the mirror, your fingers running over the arch shaped scar on your skin. It was old but it was as visible as ever. The scar rounded your hip before it disappeared under your waistband before it finished on the top half of your thigh. You were glad it was in a spot that could be hidden, but you also hated that you had to hide them.

It’s not that you were ashamed or anything, there was nothing to be ashamed of. But you didn’t want anyone to see the scars, they were jagged and ugly. You didn’t like people seeing them.

In the years since you obtained them, you had barely been intimate with anyone, not even your current partner, Buck.

You trusted him with your life, with everything. But in the past, people saw the marks on your torso and they ran. And you couldn’t lose Buck, you couldn’t.

You heard the bathroom door open and you dropped your shirt and started tucking it.

“Hey, Cap has lunch ready,” Hen said as she poked her head in. You nodded and sent her a smile in the mirror, “Okay, thank you. I’ll be out in just a sec.” She smiled back and nodded, “Alright.”

She left, patting the door frame as she did, and you sighed a little before taking a deep breath and leaving the bathroom.

During lunch the bell went off. In the commotion all you caught was the location before you were getting in the truck and going toward the scene.

You had a pit in your stomach the whole ride to the beach and you didn’t know why.

That was until you made it through the crowd of people on the dock and saw it.

A bull shark had gotten a hold of a fisherman and wouldn’t let go.

The scent of copper and salt water filled your senses. Blood stained the dock and the man was shouting in pain as the beast refused to release him.

That pit in your stomach turned to bricks as you stopped moving. Your side began to burn and itch. You suddenly weren’t seeing the fisherman, but yourself on the dock next to your board and bleeding from your side.

You were 18 when it happened. You were surfing with some friends, padding into shore when a great white thought you looked like its next meal. The shark took a test bite out of your side and upper half of your thigh. It was a quick bite, but it was enough.

Internal organs were damaged and you had nearly bled out on the beach but you were stabilized and taken to the hospital just in time.

You survived, yes, but you haven’t gone back in the water since.

“Y/N? You okay?” Buck asked, turning to when he noticed you hadn’t moved.

With your heartbeat in your ears you hadn’t heard him and you all but shoved your gear in Bobby's chest and took off towards the engine.

They called after you but they quickly turned back to the emergency at hand.

You made it to the engine, leaning against it and ripping your button up open and untucking it and your undershirt.

Taking deep, grounding breaths, you rubbed and scratched at your side.

Your scars always did this when you were stressed or when you got anxiety. Especially in the event of flashbacks or situations that triggered you.

Tears slipped down your cheeks and you wiped them away quickly with your free hand.

“Fuck, pull yourself together Y/N this is completely unprofessional,” you scolded as you tried to shake out the tension in your fingers. “You should be better than this. It's been 6 years.”

“Honey? Y/N, baby, what’s wrong?”

You gasped, startled as you felt Buck’s hands on you. You hadn’t heard him calling for you or running up to you.

“Not-Nothing Buck, it’s okay. I’m okay.” You had dropped your shirt and looked up at Buck’s eyes to find them fixated on your side.

Shit. He saw.

“Buck..”

“What happened?”

You sighed and grabbed his hand, pulling him to the cab of the engine and getting in. You closed the door and sat across from him. You rested your arms on your knees and played with your fingers. Now was the moment, and you were dreading it.

“The summer before I went to college… a few friends and I were surfing, on this beach actually,” you started not looking Buck in the eye. He mimicked your position and spoke softly to you, “I didn’t know you were a surfer.” You chuckled dryly, “I’m not… not anymore.”

Buck just nodded, staying silent as you continued. “We were paddling into shore and all of a sudden I had this intense, hot pain in my side… A um, a great white had taken a test bite. I was brought into shore and I almost bled out in the sand.”

“But you didn’t,” Buck said, holding your hand in his. “You’re here, with us, with me.” You nodded, sniffling a little. “I know that, I know. I just – it was terrifying…”

He nodded and kissed your hands. “I-I’m sorry I never told you sooner…” “Don’t apologize, honey. You don’t owe me anything,” he soothed, rubbing your knuckles.

You sniffle again and pull your hands away to wipe your eyes. “I should have been more professional, it was 6 years ago…” He shook his head, “Hey, you can’t control how situations make you feel, Y/N.” “I guess not…”

Buck’s eyes flicked from your face to your side as he bit his lip. He knew it wasn’t his place, but he had to ask.

“Why did you never tell me?”

You sighed, “I was scared…” He furrowed his brow, “Scared? Scared of what?” You wrapped your arms around yourself, “They aren’t… pretty. And when people have seen them in the past…”

Buck’s heart broke. “You thought I would leave you…” You nodded, not looking at him. He tilted your chin up, “I don’t care about some scars, Y/N. They make you you.”

“You might not say that after you see them…”

“Then show me…”

Your head whipped up to him, “Wh-what?” His face was nothing but serious, “Show me, Y/N.”

His blue eyes held nothing but genuineness and you nodded before standing.

Gulping, you lift up your shirt and look away from him as he sees the entirety of your scar. “If you want to end it-” He cut you off, “Don’t even finish that thought, I’m not going anywhere.”

He brings his hand up, his fingertips running over the marked skin delicately.

“They’re beautiful…”

You snorted, “I appreciate the lie Buck…” “I’m not lying. Do you know what scars mean?” You didn’t respond, looking down at your boots. “They mean you survived. That attack could have one or two outcomes. One of those outcomes includes me never getting the chance to meet you, and the other includes you and me in this truck having this conversation.”

He stood, “So, they’re beautiful because you are. Because you are alive.”

You looked up at him as his finger hooked under your chin, “I love them because I love you. Nothing will ever change that.”

You capture his lips in a kiss as tears still slip down your face. “Thank you, Buck… I love you too. But… I still don’t think I’m ready for sex, there’s just a lot I think I need to work through,” you told him honestly. He nodded and pecked your lips, “Whenever you're ready, I’ll be there. And I’ll be by your side until then.”

You smiled and wrapped your arms around him, “Thank you Buck.” He kissed your head, “Any time Y/N.”

taglist: @bradleybeachbabe @mayhemmanaged @kmc1989 @lovinglyeternal @horseshoegirl @cassiemitchell @fanboyswhore9 @nightowlalltheway @86laura11 @els-marvelvsp @valmare @startrekfangirl2233

hi, if you're seeing this and are currently not on the taglist and would like to be please fill out the taglist form -> whumptober taglist

i can not stress this enough, but whumptober can have some very serious and heavy topics and i want to make sure i am doing my part as an author to prepare my readers for what they are about to experience and that includes not only warnings above but my taglists as well

so if you want to be added check out the masterlist and read that carefully and fill out the form -> whumptober 2023

#vinny's whumptober #vinny's rainy day records #whumptober 2023 #ailesswhumptober2023 #whumptober day 9 #9 1 1 #buck 911 #evan buck buckley x reader #evan buck buckely #evan buckley #911 whump #whump #angst #sarahsmi13s

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wolf-feathers12 · 3 months ago

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An idea

Angron as sanguinius's bodyguard/protector!au

( I have very limited knowledge of the books/am still slowing making my way though the warhammer lore and most of my understanding comes from fandom interactions and this is very crackish indulgent idea that probs doesn't make too much sense if you apply some logic to it but hush ಥ_ಥ)

Angron but they find a way to get rid of his nails but he's still very angry ect >:O

Him and sanguinius interact and sang suggests therapy ala blood angel style. Cue a montage of him slowing being shown how to paint, draw and appreciate the fine arts ect. Plus he starts to really bond with sang. (Aparently depending on who u ask sanguinius might have started out as a slave?? So even more sorta bonding over trama type thing? Also i love sanguinius whump/hurt/comfort so yeah boi)

Angron starts spending more and more time with the angel and consequently finds himself near sanguinius when he wakes up screaming and sang comforts him. Maybe sanguinius expirenceing his own nightmares becaue of his visions and angron becoming less and less awkward when he pets his hair and tells him its ok that it was just a dream.

Regardless they both become really close (maybe even ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) close if that's what Ur into hehehe). sanguinius is one of the first people to show him any sort of kindness or understanding appart from his brothers and sisters. He still hates the emperor but he'll endure it if it means he gets to be with his brother.

Cue the horus heresy.

Everything is more or less the sameish with angron hesitating a little to join horus but his hatred for the emperor wins.

(I know that sanguinius and angron fight but er maybe they don't in this au?? Idk just skip to the fight on the vengeful spirit)

Sanguinius is completely exhausted and can barely keep himself upright when he confronts horus but confront him he does .

This is it. This is where he dies.

But just before horus deals the killing blow angron bursts into the room.

Seeing the person who has helped him become something more then a monster, more then his nails, who showed him how to correctly load paint onto a brush, how to read music, who's been there for him in the middle of the night, whose held him when the cries of his fellow slaves grew too loud being literally tortured to death, body broken (flashback to one of his gladiator friends being beaten to death maybe?) Angron realises where his true loyalties lie.

Horus is confused.

"You would protect him even though he is loyal to the same man who let your people die? You serve him even now by keeping the angel alive."

"The only emperor I serve is at my feet now."

"You would defend and obey a broken shell of a man?"

With determination in his eyes, clutching his weapon he looks horus straight in the eyes.

"To my last breath."

Shout out to @heuldoch7b for their post

https://www.tumblr.com/heuldoch7b/762780929429323776/would-your-no-nails-au-angron-look-any-different?source=share

That inspired this au :O

#warhammer 40k #angron #blood angels #world eaters #warrhammer 30k #horus lupercal #horus heresy #sanguinius #fanfic #idk what to tag #whump??#:P #damn i kinda wanna write now XD

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okkos-ferrum · 7 months ago

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Unorganized helluva boss apology tour rant cuz I think I'm going crazy

Disclaimer, cuz I know helluva fans can get defensive: A lot of this is probably my subjective opinion. I'll state my tldr as my actual objective piece of criticism, but otherwise my gripes throughout this could be based on my tastes and expectations. I genuinely don't want to take away anyone's enjoyment of this show nor hate on anyone involved, so if u just want to enjoy helluva, totally skip this :]

I think I'll actually have to give my hot take here and criticize this episode, because everyone has given way too much praise for an episode I think - in the long run - hurts the show

Im not gonna even bother organizing my thoughts I'm just gonna rant, but to start, i think the decision to start the ep right after full moon chronologically wasn't the best move. The full moon episode cliffhanger was an impactful scene and a dramatic way to start the rift between stolas and blitzo. It's where the dam of two-ish seasons finally breaks, where to me, stolas and blitzo have already said everything needed to be said, at least at the emotional maturity they currently are at. Any changes in said conversation about their relationship would require growth from both separately in order to foster a healthy discussion.

So to undercut that tension by IMMIEDTLY having blitzo somehow wiggle his way back into stolas's private property to have both double down on their stance diminishes the weight new moon's finale had. The conversation, while it does add further clarity, feels repetitive and emotionally taxing to watch, because the show has literally zero scenes of either of them reflecting on the previous night. So it's just them starting up the same fight with the same talking points we already know.

Yeah, maybe it is in character for blitzo to demand a conversation after new moon, but it shouldn't have been the path the show took. It should've allowed the story to stew in the feelings brought out in new moon, both in a narrative and meta sense by taking a break from stolatiz.

Cuz honestly I'm a bit drained of it atm. The show sells itself on the premise of blitzo being a "boss" (a hell of a bos-) and him working with imp. But all of s2 has had this obsession with stolatiz ever since the popularity of ozzie's (for good reason that episode was amazing and one of my personal favs still).

Just abt half the eps in s2 carry an emotional weight around the stolitz relationship. (where s1 has stolitz is make out sessions and the occasional threat to their life, s2 takes it up to actual life or death situations and full backstories) . This increased tension and focus draws away from the intial episodic format to become a more serialized (and imo) melodrama abt the status of the stolitz relationship. Rather than concern itself over any of the imp characters and their emotions, helluva has made all of its emotional beats and stakes throughtout the whole season relate to stoltiz in some way (or it's parallel with fizz and Ozzie in ep 7).

To return back to the ep, I also take issue with its writing of verosika. I will admit that this could be subjective, as my partner, who loves verosika and was worried abt her writing going into the ep, enjoyed how the ep integrated her. But idk, I think it is so lame that an ep like full moon, which is marketed to be abt stolitz, is fine wasting its time writing the cherubs for 90% of the episode, while can't bother making verosika a larger character in her own ep.

Like she's a SINGER, but no she's back up for STOLAS'S SONG this ep. And it's not stolas's hasn't had the chance to sing love ballads before, he's got plenty. But no, the host of the party can't even be a duet to stolas, she's gotta be back up. Like it couldve been a way stronger connection between these two if they sang a duet, rather than the show AGAIN prioritizing verbalizing stolas's emotions again.

We get a full flashback to blitzo's relationship with both fizz and stolas, but nothing on his other significant relationship??? Just a line or two of how it went down and that's it??

Side tangent: It gets on my nerves how so many people are realizing now that verosika is not a bad person. Like it's clear from even in her intro ep in s1 ep 3 she's angry rightfully for how blitzo screwed her over. But now that she actually is being nice and forgiving to stolas and blitzo respectively, now she has earned the fandom's respect??? Like the amt of comments of "Oh wow, verosika isn't a villain, she's an anatognist" drives me insane

Like to me, this ep should've stepped away from stolas directly, and focus on blitzo and verosika. Have blitzo go back to ignoring his feelings by jumping back head first into business, now with the asmodeous crystal. Then bump into verosika somehow. However it may happen, verosika and blitzo, either angrily or calmly, reflect on their own past relationship at the end, which might have blitzo making a realization of how he is repeating his past mistakes. Use the episodic format to slowly allow blitzo to mature so the next time he meets stolas, he won't just double down like he did in the beginning of the ep.

I think, personally, the decision to have verosika host the anti blitzo party diminishes her as a character. It chooses to again define her by how blitzo hurt her, rather than touching on the other underdeveloped parts of her character. She has shown to be very petty yes, but to go through all this effort seems too much, since she is a pop star and should have better things to do.

Maybe explore how she, a succubus, who is meant to have primarily sexual relationships, goes abt on her day to day as a celebrity who went to rehab. Or her relationship with maybe knowing barbie. Or the other ways to explore the set ups for her in ep 3. But no, she plays second fiddle to her second focus ep for the stoltiz drama. But yeah sure, let's have full moon be abt the cherubs.

On a final and likely my most pettiest point, this ep made me cringe a lot. I'm sorry, this is very subjective of me, but I need to say it. So much of this ep felt like fanfic. Always hammering in how "he's a prince and you're an imp" kind of deal. Stolas getting overly drunk after taking a swig of one drink to have blitzo handle him being drunk. The million puppy dog eyes by blitzo, like it felt too pitying. The rushed pacing felt like a result of this indulgent kind of writing, where it priotizes creating the cute shipping scenes before thinking about the actual plot and its effect later on. Again, just my taste tho

Alright I think I ranted enough but ...

Tl;dr: Apology tour messes up the pacing and focus of the show by continously centering itself around the stolitz drama rather than allowing time to reflect by themselves

#helluva boss #apology tour #helluva boss rant #stolitz #verosika mayday #rant post

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tiiiiiired · 10 days ago

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hello! i saw you on the viktor community & i had some questions of my own! ive been considering writing a fic about him exploring his general feelings (i want to explore writing about that--rough idea but whatever), mostly bc the way he described himself feeling & looking was how i used to feel... but i am also able-bodied--& thusly i have a few quick questions! ok, so first of all; do you reckon he would experience joint pain in his knee/ankle/hip--& if so what type? i have some bc of low muscle mass, but i also know that the pain from an ankle injury is wayyy different (personal experience)... but what viktor has hits me differently. would the pain jsut be from the brace? would it be from the brace holding his leg in position? would the leg's joints hurt regardless? & on a similar note--what do you reckon is the reason for his back brace? i did notice some bolts(?) in his spine, so i assume it to be alignment-related... but do you reckon it could also help with pain? (im a big fan of compression stuff, so thats the best i can think of it as an analogy to)....... also same beat of pain/etc

ok & this is WAYYY more general, but are there any other super major things to consider? mostly just about how he'd go about his life & such! tysm! its super awesome to be able to hear about other's people experiences <3

Regarding pain, this is going to be dependent on the source of his low muscle tone, but there are a few sources of pain that are relatively universal among us low muscle tone folks. I'd actually recommend sticking to those universal experiences over trying to pinpoint his exact condition as Arcane doesn't specify, there's a bunch of genetic and environmental factors for disabilities like this, and these disabilities are all REALLY complex.

I chatted a bit about brace and leg position pain in my previous ask here, so I'll skip that topic for this ask. But a source of pain I didn't mention in the previous post is the general pain and exhaustion of the condition itself, regardless of bracing. When you don't have a lot of muscle tone, there's not a lot holding your joints steady. This results in you overcompensating with the muscles you do have. For example, if you have a really unstable leg, you'll put more pressure on the less unstable leg and often push your bad leg forward using your hips, glutes, and lower back which puts a lot of strain on them. The result is that you can get further complications in these parts of the body, including chronic pain. I was born with a dropped foot (aka I dragged my foot along the ground similarly to how Viktor does in the flashback to his childhood) so to get my foot up and off the ground I had to put a lot of weight on my good leg and kind of use my hip and low back to swing my leg forward in a sort of half-circle motion (the animators did a good job approximating this in a few scenes, iirc, but I should rewatch to confirm). This is pretty bad for your body as bodies evolved in this kind of "tall line" shape so your weight is distributed evenly to your heels when you stand and is evenly moved around when you walk. Many folks with uneven walking postures end up with pain in the lower back, hips, glutes (and, where relevant, the "good" leg) as a result.

The affected joints will also hurt regardless. I actually got diagnosed primarily because I had some pretty wicked knee pain at an age where Pretty Wicked Knee Pain is abnormal. When you lack muscle tone in these regions the affected joints lose stability and you get lateral movement of the joints of the leg (so rather than the join just hinging at the knee or twisting as per usual, there's a tiny bit of sideways movement at the knee joint. This is hard to explain verbally so if I find a good diagram I'll come back and add it here). You also get something called patellar maltracking, where the kneecap moves in directions it isn't supposed to. This wears down the cartilage that lubricates the bones and eventually results in some pretty wild pain when moving the knee or weightbearing through the knee. Similar shit happens in the ankle and in a bunch of other joints. When this wears down, it makes the affected joint stiffen with cold (yes, fanfic writers who included this, I did notice and I hope you know I love all of you). This can also happen to folks who just don't have a lot of muscle for non-disability reasons, which is why some non disabled folks seem to get injured a lot.

As for the back brace, this (mostly) exits personal experience territory and enters workplace experience territory for me. I noticed the bolts too, so I think we're both onto something there. It seems like a steampunk inspired version of an external fixator (here's the wikipedia article for it, but tw for medical imaging and healed injuries) or what the skin would look like after healing around the bolts for external fixators (once the big cage part is taken off). These are usually used to hold joints in place or to slowly expand them. When I worked in hospitals I'd see these in patients with severe scoliosis who underwent more invasive forms of spinal fusion. This fits Viktor pretty well. When you have a disability that affects your muscle tone, it'll affect the muscle tone over your whole body (thus his smaller frame, gaunt facial features, and kind of "floppy" movements in some scenes), with high movement and high impact areas degenerating faster (like your back and legs). When the muscles in your back start to go, your spine loses stability and can curve, with the curve worsening over time. For most of us, physical therapy and bracing is enough, but if the curve gets too bad or is causing serious pressure on the discs, a surgery like spinal fusion is your only option to keep your back straight and keep you from getting neurological damage as a result of the spine pressure. While I've got a degree in neuroscience and do have back complications due to low muscle tone, I'm not a doctor so I can't say for sure that's what's going on here. But that's my educated guess. In terms of pain, it's a trade off. External fixation and spinal fusion are both deeply painful because they drill into bone. However, if your spine was damaged badly enough to qualify for a surgery like that, it's probably less painful to get the surgery than to not get it, and it reduces your risk of further neurological damage like paralysis.

In terms of other things to consider, oh man that's a tough one bc it's a pretty general question. Low muscle tone affects a lot of what I do, from the way I walk to how I cook to what clothes I wear. My biggest recommendation is to be mindful of two things: his disability will affect everything he does, but he was also a very independent person (when ofc not dying) in the show. So strike a balance between these things. Like I cook for myself, but I can cook for myself because I figured out solutions like buying shorter walled pots and pans, sitting while I cook, and dragging pots of water along my counter instead of carrying them to the stove. When writing disabled characters you don't need to describe every minor accommodation they make for themselves because the character themself might not even fully notice those accommodations (I didn't notice the heavy pot dragging thing until a friend commented on it). Instead, just drop in something every once in a while to show that they noticed. We tend to notice more when something is a big burden or when something disrupts our usual methods of doing things. Those might be good moments to bring attention to the ways Viktor has to do things differently. If any specific things come to mind as you create, feel free to reach out and I'm happy to chat about how I do them!

Sorry this is another wildly long post but I hope this helps! Feel free to reach out for any clarifications!

#viktor disability info #disability blogging

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melancholysway · 2 years ago

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Hello! So I saw TMNT 2007!Raph x GN!Reader: The Confession, and it got my brain pumping, Could I request an Angsty Unrequited 2007!Leo x GN!Reader, where Leo has a crush on Reader, that he didn't acknowledge or think too much about, and he only realises the full depth of it when he left (absence makes the heart grow stronger) but does comes to accepts it as a truth and plans to grow closer to them and pursue his feelings when he returns, only to find out Reader is dating Raph, they're a perfect pair and are so happy together, and Leo isn't sure how to respond but it sure hurts.

This can be as Long or short/formatted as you like, sorry if this is extremely wordy, thanks for reading!

Omg omg I’m so excited for this one!?!?!? btw, this is over 4,000 words long, so I hope this isn't too much! this was a great request and I wrote the entire thing just now lol

I hope you enjoy!

TMNT 2007!Leo x Reader: Unrequited

(also a 2007 Raph x reader, BUT ITS NOT A POLY FIC!)

Chapter key:

~ = time skip

--- followed by italic text = flashback happening

--- followed by normal text = flashback ending

+++ - scene change (minor time skip)

________________________________________-

It started small, very small

Because you’re just a person to him in the beginning, a sorry sucker that got dragged into the depths of a New York City robbery in a small convenience store.

You get out (kind of,) but it lands you being chased by the big guy who decided to point the gun at the cashier who noticed you left when he ordered everyone to stay put

But you’d rather run than get shot, so, there’s that.

Thus, you unknowingly run into an unknown savior of the city you resided in, and though you thought you’d die a sorry death in the back alley of a street you couldn’t recall the name of, you’re saved.

You thank your savior, to which, he with a slightly raspy yet calm tone answers you from the shadows.

“You’re welcome.”

And that’s it. But, who was he?

“Um…I’m not exactly sure where I ran to, do you happen to know which street I’m on?” You didn’t know Manhattan like the back of your hand at all. Not only that, but you were just…running. Though the city never sleeps, fate just so happened to make this new area you came to empty. This side was asleep. It had to be the gentrified area of Manhattan, huh?

And that’s how you meet Leonardo. Sort of. He gives you directions to your apartment complex, but you didn’t feel safe going alone.

So, when he steps out of the darkness, he’s covered in a brown hooded cloak where you can’t see his body shape or face.

He takes you home like that. But oh, here goes fate once again, and there goes this sudden gust of wind that catches him off guard, and his face is revealed.

He’s a…

“Turtle. Mutant turtle.”

And THAT’S how you meet Leonardo. He’s surprised at how well you take it, but, in all honesty, you really could use a friend in this crazy city you just moved to not too long ago.

Time goes on, his brother (Mikey) gets nosy as to why he sometimes goes solo during patrol going a direction, not in their usual route, and follows him quietly (kind of, he falls a couple of times, but meows so his older brother thinks it’s just a clumsy cat)

He watches as Leonardo stops on a fire escape and knocks on the window, the light from inside getting more intense as the window is opened, revealing why Leo goes off on his own sometimes

He watches as you rub your eyes, slightly tired as you greet his brother, only to be a little startled as another turtle…mutant turtle, lands right beside him

“Dude! Another human!? Hey!”

And THAT’S how you meet Michelangelo.

Word goes around, Mikey just can’t keep his mouth shut, plus, he accidentally set off the emergency button on his T-Phone, so Raphael and Donatello are tracking him together. Suddenly, two more mutant turtles are at your fire escape.

“Ya jokin’ right? THIS is tha emergency?” Piercing golden eyes engulfed by a red bandana look you up and down confused, then back at Mikey. You’re the threat?

“Mikey…are you harassing another human again?” A purple-banded turtle, who appears to look identical to Mikey, begins apologizing on his baby brother's behalf.

And THAT’S how you meet Raphael and Donatello

After inviting Leo and his brothers inside your apartment, you introduce yourself properly. Donnie takes it well, and Raph is always the warier one. But, he trusts his older brother. With his life, even. So, if he trusted you, Raphael felt obligated to do the same.

Plus, he thought you were cute.

Come to think of it, Leo also thought that, too.

And thus, begins Leonardo’s small crush on you.

It’s platonic. At least, that’s what he tells himself. He doesn’t act on it, and you show no signs of having a crush on him, so, why risk it?

You progressively become closer with Leonardo’s brothers, and soon- after knowing them for almost two months- they introduce you to their sensei.

He loves you, by the way. How accepting you are, how sweet you are to his sons, and he can sense the hidden affection his eldest son has for you.

Time goes on, but time is a thief- waiting for an opportunity to steal the happiness of those who take it for granted.

To: Y/n

I miss you. A lot, actually. I didn’t think I would miss you and my family so much, but, I do.

Sometimes when I’m sitting in this dark cave, I feel like you’re going to run up behind me and try to scare me like you always did when I was around. I always knew you were there, but sometimes I would fake it just to see you smile. You pouted whenever I told you that you didn’t startle me.

My training period is almost up, but I don’t feel any different than when I first landed. Are 3 months really enough to turn me into a better version of myself?

Anyway, I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re keeping the others in line, lol. Donnie is easily overwhelmed, and I know Mikey and Raph together are nothing but trouble.

~ L

That was the first letter you had gotten from Leo where he showed his feelings towards you. The very first letter was much more lighthearted with an exciting tone to it, and you could hear Leo’s voice in your head while you read it.

You begin a collection of all the letters Leo has sent you so far in a blue folder. To look back on them when you miss him.

It’s almost been 3 months already. That’s how long Splinter made Leo’s training period. But, he was doubting himself and venting to you through this letter. Was it enough for him? No, Leo’s a perfectionist. That’s not a lot of time for him.

So, you wait, wondering just how long Leo is planning to potentially stay in South America.

Back in the city, everything is doing fine. Sure, the 3 remaining turtles miss Leo, but he’s supposed to be coming back. As long as he keeps sending his letters to them, they’ll know that he’s safe and alive. The jungle is a dangerous place, and who knows what types of threats Leo is facing over there?

You come around the Lair more to spend some time with Leo’s brothers while he’s gone. Raphael seems to be the most stoic about his absence, and upset about the fact that they can’t go up to the surface and fight crime. Mikey does his own thing, and for some reason, wanted to do something crazy and get a job. You had no idea how he was going to pull it off, but you were excited to see the outcome. Donatello is keeping both of them in line while trying to fix things in his free time. He starts to tell Mikey to break the toaster as Leo did so he has something to fix weekly. Yes, Leo broke the toaster weekly.

You were already close with Leo’s brothers, but now? You found yourself gravitating towards Raphael. The topic of Leo was on his mind, and he worried. He always did, even if he tried to hide it. Though his expression was always a straight face when it came to his older brother, on the inside, he cared. He cared so much.

And as 3 months come to a close, Leonardo isn’t back.

To: Y/n

I tried to write this particular letter so many times. Especially to you and Raph. I know it’ll be a lot for you.

I’m staying here. I can’t go back yet, not when I have so much more to work on.

I’ve already discussed with Splinter back and forth with these letters, and he thought it would be best if I wrote to you and the others in the next letter I sent.

I keep everyone’s letters. I try to keep track of the conversations we’re having. Right now, I’m having a debate with Mikey over whether the Earth is flat or not. Spoiler: It can’t. Ask Donny.

So, I guess I can ask you as well for a third opinion, do you think the Earth is flat? I mean, the Earth turns, does it not? Is that not some indication of time passing? Time passes as the world turns. Time goes on, right?

I want to keep this as light-hearted as possible, but for some reason, it’s hard to write this letter to you. I don’t want to bombard you with my feelings, but I can’t help but wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. I’m not sure what that entails, but you are such a great friend to me, that I’m forever grateful for you.

Just a few more months. That’s it. Just a few more months and I’ll be finished. I want to come home and see you and the others again. I’ll be a better me in that time. Swear it.

~ L

He swore it.

He swore to you he would be back in a few more months.

When this round of letters comes to the Lair, Raphael is livid.

Livid because, well, he doesn’t take promises lightly. Leo promised he would come back in a few months in his letter. But Raphael was more upset that he wasn’t coming back after these 3 months. And even MORE upset about the fact that just because Leo is gone, doesn’t mean crime left with him. If anything, it’s at an all-time high. He can’t keep sitting here and watching it all happen on the news, either.

“It’ll be a few more months, okay Mikey?” Donnie tries to soothe his baby brother, as Mikey was visibly hurt by the news. He wanted his older brother back. Now.

“Don’t give Mikey false hope, Don.” Raph glares at the brown-eyed turtle, “It ain’t good fa him. Mikey, Leo ain’t comin’ back right now, God knows when he is, alright?”

That’s what Mikey needed to hear, according to Raph. He didn’t want to sugarcoat anything for Mikey. Hell, he was never good at sugarcoating anything for that matter.

It’s been almost a year. Almost a year without Leonardo. A year without your best friend, and a year without the person you cared for immensely.

You and Raphael get closer during this time. He’s the only turtle that rebels against Splinter and begins to stop crime on his own, and you appreciate him for it. You tell him that one day before you leave the Lair.

---

So as Raphael sits up from his position on the couch, he can’t help but smirk at you.

And good God, that smirk got you hooked.

By this point, the city had created a vigilante name for him: The Nightwatcher. You remember seeing a news article online in which the title photo had been a blurry shot of the vigilante, which was just Raphael in metal armor. Though the rest of the family was oblivious to this, you sure weren’t. Mikey becomes a Nightwatcher fangirl, and Donnie becomes a Nightwatcher hater.

“Wanna take Betsy out wit me tonight?” Raphael asks as he stands at your fire escape. Funny, he always gets deja vu when he stands there, it reminds him of when he first met you. How he was standoffish at first, but he found out that you weren’t so bad after all.

“You think Betsy can handle two crazies on her back this time?” You joke, looking down your fire escape and onto the street, seeing sleek and shiny ruby Betsy parallel parked in between two ivory Hyundais.

The last time you went on a bike ride with Raph, Betsy- the name you gave to it- sort of broke down. But, thanks to Raph’s fix-it skills (thanks Donnie,) she was up and running.

He chuckles at your response and puts his helmet back on. He motions you to follow him down the fire escape and hands you the spare helmet you used for all bike rides.

This one was different.

Why? Well, the others didn’t end in a kiss.

Raph let you do donuts around in an empty parking lot with his motorcycle, and he couldn’t help but smile at how happy you looked. How you wore your smile so well, and how he thought about other ways he could get it to appear over and over again.

He always thought you were cute.

But as the night went on, you find yourselves rendezvousing all across Manhattan on ol’ Betsy, letting your frustrations out about Leo’s extended absence on the highway, going 65…80…85 miles on the interstate. You lost count, you were having so much fun. You both spill your feelings about the current situation with your best friend and Raph’s brother. You’re hurt. But, can you blame him? You find it in your heart to forgive Leo after that. Raphael doesn’t. It’ll take more time for him.

When it was all said and done, you wind up falling asleep on the ride back, something that never happened. But there goes fate, again. Coming at the most unexpected times. Raphael carries you back up to your apartment- to which you tiredly ask if he stays with you. You knew- as tired as you were that Raph would get questioned by Donnie when he got back at this ungodly hour. The sun was damn near starting to rise, and sleeping over at your place is one hell of an alibi.

And then it just happens. You comment on how tired he looks, but it just makes him look even more attractive to you. THIS wakes him up, and as he wonders if he heard you right, you plant a kiss on his cheek as a thank you for staying.

Raph tests the waters a bit and takes a risk.

He kisses you. But, not on the cheek.

And that, dear readers, is how your first kiss with your now boyfriend went.

---

Raphael was right, it’s been an entire year. And now? There’s word from April that Leo is very much alive in South America. Though, you knew he was just fine. Despite the letters stopping completely, you knew in your heart Leo was okay. He knew how to take care of himself on his own.

So it’s no surprise when April gives you the news.

Your boyfriend is angry at him. Raph misses him, he told you that much, but he had this burning hatred for his brother for scaring the rest of the family like that. I mean, Mikey thought he was dead somewhere in the jungle miles and miles away.

You think about the last letter Leo sent you.

You wonder what his next letter would have been to you had he not stopped all those months ago. He sure would have had a lot to say in response to yours, anyway.

To: Leo

To answer your question, of course not. The Earth is NOT flat.

But Leo, time is a thief. You of all people should know that. You were always the philosophical type. The world turns, yes. It’s an indication of time, yes. But it matters not how much time has passed, but what you did with said time.

To answer your other question, I do think about you. I wonder what you’re doing, if you’re swinging on vines like Tarzan or something. I care a lot about you, and that hasn’t changed one bit. This time away from you has been difficult on everyone, but getting these letters every 3 weeks helps.

You can never bombard me with how you feel, your feelings are always valid to me. I want you to know that all those feelings you have for me are reciprocated.

~ Y/n

Maybe it was a miscommunication? You thought that for a while. You thought you had read his last letter wrong. Did he mean he had feelings for you? Because you had also developed a small crush on him. Before he left, you liked him.

But, what if you read it wrong? Did he just mean his feelings toward you as a caring friend who missed the yin to their yang?

Maybe you were thinking a little over your head. You weren’t even sure if he got this letter, anyway.

You never knew. He stopped writing after that. Not just to you, but to the others as well. It was simply a thought of what once was.

A few days after April comes back from her business trip, Leonardo seems to follow. It’s unexpected as hell. After spending the first half of a warm Saturday working and getting ready to head down to the Lair for the second half, you get a text message from Raph.

Raph, 8:00 pm

Babe, lmk when you come down, okay? There’s a surprise for ya

You start to think about what it could be. Maybe Mikey had a party gig earlier and got to take a slice of your favorite cake home. You always liked being surprised with a slice of cake wrapped in tinfoil when you went down to see your boyfriend.

But only it’s not cake.

You come toward the entrance of the Lair a few moments after you messaged Raph you were close, and there he was, giving you a quick kiss and covering your eyes.

“Ya might like it more than I did,” His gruff voice comments. As you’re helped by Raph into the Lair, you sense something you haven’t in a long time.

It’s Leonardo.

You knew it from the moment Raph took his hands away from covering your eyes. You were face to face with someone’s plastron, and judging by the arm muscles you knew it was Leo. He was the only one who wasn’t as bulky as Raph, yet not as small as Mikey or Donnie. He was right in the middle.

“H-hey.”

You thought a lot about how you would react to Leo if he came home. Would you cry? Would you not forgive him anymore? Would it go back to the way it used to be? You could only predict how your brain would react but failed to predict how your heart would.

You hug him first.

You always did, anyway.

Leo wished he had hugged you first right now, though. But, it’s a sweet moment between you two.

“I missed you, jerk.” You say into his plastron. On the surface to everyone but Leo, it’s two best friends reuniting after a year of not seeing each other. But deep down, it’s Leo hugging the person he’s grown to love. He loves you.

Raphael- as much as he despises his older brother at the moment- calms down for the time being since Leo stepped foot in the Lair an hour earlier. He knows that you and Leo were close before, and how much you missed him as a friend. You never told Raph about what you last sent Leo and what you thought of it. It wasn’t relevant, and it was sent MONTHS before that night you became a couple. It was sent way before you fell for Raph. And once again, it just wasn’t relevant. Leo never bothered to send you a letter that confirmed your feelings were friends or more than that. So, it had to be just friends. He saw you as just that, and you had to accept it. Which, you could. You could accept being platonic with him, and just be the good friends you were.

Once you break away, you and the others sit down in the living room like old times. Mikey’s asking Leo all these questions about South America, and Donnie’s asking about the native wildlife. You and Raph on the other hand, ask the harder questions.

“Why’d ya stay longa?”

“Did ya forget us?”

Raphael asks him these questions, and Leo’s honest about each one.

He stayed because he needed time. He never- not for one second forgot about you guys. He missed you all. He knows he fucked up.

“Why did you stop writing?” You ask.

This is a tough question. You look at him with concerned eyes, and Raph puts an arm around you.

“I um…I got caught up in my own world, and…” Leo trails off as if he was thinking of what to say. But, he lost it. That’s when it hits him. He doesn’t say anything. He’s so fixated on the way his brother is touching you, and how you let him. Almost as if it’s an afterthought.

“I ran out of ink.”

“You couldn’t like, buy any?” Mikey asks, earning an eye roll from Raph and Donnie.

No. No, he couldn’t.

+++

As you spend your evening down in the Lair and hanging out with everyone, you notice Leo going to Splinter’s room, and you hear indistinct chatter coming from upstairs. Leo had spoken to his father when he first got back. In fact, nobody even knew Leo came back until Raphael overheard them talking from the cracked sliding door.

Though it wasn’t your business, you wondered what they were speaking about.

You weren’t one to eavesdrop, but the bathroom just so happened to be across from his room, so you heard their conversation for a few moments anyway.

“The best you can do is let them be happy, my son. Which they are. You cannot reverse time when things do not go as planned.”

“I…I know, but…I realized how much I liked Y/n when I was out there. I just…I was too late.”

‘Using the bathroom could wait,’ You thought. As you continue listening. You listen to the pain in Leo’s voice as he describes how his heart shattered when he realized Raph found his way into your heart. He wondered if you noticed. Splinter says no, you wouldn’t have noticed. You would be oblivious, as Leo never took that chance to send you those letters when he was away.

He saved them and brought them home to give to you. Well, he was going to give them to you.

Leo lied earlier. He never stopped writing. In fact, that’s all he did in times of loneliness. He wrote. He wrote until his hand was cramped or he had to start over because he felt he wasn’t conveying his emotions well enough. He had as much ink as a turtle could have.

That hug meant more to him than you could think. He planned on getting you alone and giving you the unsent letters to take before you went back to your apartment. But he couldn’t anymore. He couldn’t ruin the relationship you had with Raphael. He wouldn’t- no- couldn’t be that selfish. It just wasn’t in his nature.

So what did happen with those letters?

This burning curiosity seems to take over. You take a wild guess and enter Leo’s room- seemingly untouched for the past year. There’s a small pouch on his bed, the same one that he wore when he said his goodbyes before leaving way back when. You open the front zipper, it feels flimsy from all the wear and tear. Your senses were correct, and there was a folded yellow paper in the compartment. The same color paper that Leo wrote letters on.

You lock yourself in Leo’s room and sit down on his bed to open up this folded mystery.

You’re surprised to see that upon opening, 3 more letters fall out in a crinkled mess on your lap. After sorting them by date, a part of you wishes that he sent them sooner. But then another part of you disagrees- the part that loves Raph. You were happy with him, so fucking happy. You were a near-perfect match for each other. He saw you at your lowest and was there to help you out. He was always caring, even if he didn’t always tell you- he showed it.

Not only that, but you couldn’t go back and change the past.

7/10/2007

To: Y/n

You always were so good with words. It’s the one thing that I always admired about you.

I’m glad you feel the same about me as I do about you. You’re always on my mind, Y/n. I thought it was just a little crush at first but…gah, I’m not sure. I think it’s more. I’ve never had a crush before. Haha, I’m pretty good with unintentionally rhyming, huh?

You’re absolutely right, time is a thief. I hate myself for not realizing that with all the time I’ve taken up. I write little by little, and I apologize for taking so long with this one, but I wasn’t sure how to write that I feel like I’m falling in love with you.

And I know it’s a lot to use the word love- but I’m positive that’s what it is. As I sit here and think about you, I always go back to the first time I ever laid eyes on you. How gorgeous you looked despite the situation. How you were so sweet when fate got the best of me and revealed my true self to you. How you were sweet to me even after, and how you were warm and welcoming. The average person would have run to the hills, but you stayed. You stayed all this time, and I think that’s one of the reasons why I’ve come to love you. How accepting you are of those who are different.

7/20/2007

To: Y/n

It was selfish of me to leave you all. I know that if I send this letter and the others I wrote to you months after I received yours, there’s a chance that you don’t have those same feelings anymore. And there’s also a chance that I’m completely taking what you said the wrong way.

But, if I didn’t, and you truly feel those feelings for me- the “more than friends” kind, then please, read on. If not, take what I say with a grain of salt.

I guess the saying is correct; absence does make the heart grow stronger.

With that being said, I have a rather…odd request. I know it’s a lot, I know it is.

I want you to wait for me. I should have told you this before I left, but it was just a small crush back then. I wasn’t sure if I should tell you.

I know, it’s extremely selfish to ask you to lock your heart and throw away the key until I return, but we all get at least one selfish pass, right? If you can’t, I understand. I hope you find someone that loves you the way I would have when I came back home.

But a small part of me hopes you don’t find someone, and we get to be together after all.

Then again, I can’t control anything. I can only wish. Wish upon the millions of stars that scatter the South American sky.

8/1/2007

To: Y/n

I was always the philosophical type, and I’m glad you noticed. If this is the world where I get to be with you, I’ll cherish it. I’ll cherish you. I’ll cherish us.

But, if the cards aren’t in our favor, then I know there’s a parallel universe where I get to be with you.

Perhaps all I had to do was choose to write back to you instead of waiting and getting caught up in my training. Or maybe I choose to never go to South America. All of these decisions happen in the multiverse--I just so happened to get the short end of the stick in this one.

+++

Your eyes, welling up in tears, fold the slightly worn papers back up and into the pouch, zipping it back up. Curiosity didn’t kill the cat, but ignorance sure did. And right now, as sad and torn as you are, you feel relieved that you read these. Leo would have had to suffer in silence, without ever telling a soul but his Sensei.

As you exit Leo’s room, feeling a sense of confusion and uncertainty. you ask yourself the grand question, despite being in a daze:

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