#can I just tell y’all how happy I will be when I graduate dEAR FUCKING FUCK

[iwaasfairy]

Eyo was suna always that fuckinGGG hot post time skip??? And what have they been feeding this man holy fuck

[tarantulas4davey]

Ufc Fighter Albert Dasilva Headcanons

hello, people who still follow me despite the fact i never post cause i’m a mess. how y’all doin? my favorite ufc fighter won the other day so now ✨this is what we’re doing✨. also i originally sent this thought to @we-are-inevitable ‘s ask box so find that post here (hi jac ilysm mwah mwah mwah)

i also wrote a part 2 so find that here !!

also,,,,, this is fairly obvious. but trigger warning for violence/physical fighting, and well as blood and injury. (it’s a rough gig y’all fjdhdb)

i sincerely apologize in advance for what a mess this post is gonna be i just had a monster and i’m hyped up on the win and this is a hyperfixation i don’t get to talk about very often so feel free to ask questions and HERE WE FUCKIN GO

OK SO

albert is just,,,,,, a violent sports guy. always has been, probably always will be.

most forms of recreational fighting, football, hockey, rugby, fuck even soccer if he gets too into it. he’s just a Built Person, and he wicked competitive, and that makes for violent displays of athleticism

I think he was probably a hockey or football guy in high school, but he was also on the wrestling team cause i said so

then after graduation he got really into kickboxing, just to have something to do cause he didn’t have school sports to play and train for all the time

and then one day his coach is like ‘hey. you’re like,,, stupid good at this. you should sign up for competitions, you might make some money.’

he does, in fact, ‘make some money’, cause in straight kickboxing? he’s pretty much unmatched on the regional scene, which is ridiculous cause he didn’t start training his stand up game til he was 18 or 19

then American Top Team (ATT, it’s a really big MMA training camp that had trained a boat load of the top talent in the UFC) approaches him like ‘y’know if you worked on your grappling you could be a really solid mma fighter’

which is HUGE, but obviously albert can’t pick up his entire life and move to florida to train with them, so him and race (this is me, of course race is with al. supportive boyfriend and number one fan alert <3) find gyms willing to work with him based in new york. then he starts signing up for shit.

he sticks with stand up fighting when he can, he likes it more and cause,,,,, well. it’s more entertaining. the higher your entertainment value, the more people watch your fights. the more people watch your fights, the more likely you are to get noticed by big promotions (like the ufc)

he uses his wrestling to keep grapplers on their feet (he’s got like a 90% takedown defense, what an icon) and he picks people apart.

he has a lot of technical skill, but he also is fiery and passionate and scrappy. he gets hit too much for his own good a lot of the time.

he’s super durable. this man can get hit clean over and over and stay on his feet, but that’s not gonna hold up forever. it takes a loss or two in a row to motivate him to change it

and oh boy does he change it

he spends a month in auckland, new zealand at city kickboxing (one of the best kickboxing gyms in the world, and they lean heavily on tactics rather than just charging forward blindly)

he’s straight up a different fighter after that. he’s quick, light on his feet, and avoids punches way easier while also setting up the angles for his own. he gets signed to the ufc 2 fights later.

his first fight is short notice. no training camp, he’s got 5 days to make weight, AND it’s against a top 10 ranked opponent. no big deal, right?

and albert, being albert, is super chill about it. sure, this is the opportunity of a lifetime, could decide his entire future as a fighter, and he’s barely got time to prepare.

but he’s in the gym every single day of the week, he doesn’t super cut on weight like most ex-wrestlers, and most importantly, it’s just fighting. all he has to do is get in the octagon and punch some dude in the face. he can do that all day.

race on the other hand,,,,,,,,

he believes in albert with his whole soul, he really does, but Fuck watching your boyfriend get hit in the head is no fucking fun. especially when you know that the guy throwing the punches has been training for months, and your guy hasn’t even had a week

so he brings jack for moral support. also cause jack is DEFINITELY a ufc fan and was the only one that would understand what was happening.

at some point in the first round albert gets caught clean, opening a cut on his cheek, which makes race Panic Even More

but he gets cleaned up between rounds, and it’s not swelling so he can still see, and it’s over by the middle of the second.

and albert wins, cause (this is fiction and i’m telling a story) of fucking course he does, and he probably wins with some stupid dramatic spinning back kick and gets clipped on twitter cause he’s just Like That

the part that makes me, as the ralbert shipper, super fucking happy is coming up but i need to add a lil real talk first

considering albert is like,,,, openly in a relationship with a man when he gets into the ufc,,,,, that makes him the first publicly gay ufc fighter. like,,,, ever.

this is realized after his hand gets raised after the ref calls the stoppage.

bruce buffer makes the official announcement, al gets his hand raised, he gets interviewed by joe rogan, and then his coaches, jack and race get to come into the cage

at first everyone things it’s a best friend or something, especially after the dap up bro hug things he gives his coaches and jack

but then albert sees race, and you can watch this boy’s face light up on the camera. then race throws his arms around albert’s neck and albert half lifts him off the ground in a hug around his waist and ok, sure, that’s not the most platonic thing you’ve ever seen, but that doesn’t prove anything

and then albert kisses race. like full, actual, on the mouth in front of all the cameras kiss. cause he doesn’t give a shit.

and nobody’s talking about his spinning back kick anymore, cause Holy Shit That Wasn’t Very Straight Of You Dasilva

but he doesn’t address it, cause every other fighter gets to kiss their wife or girlfriend or whatever in the cage after they win and nobody bats an eye, so why should it be any different for him and his boyfriend?

also, because it needs to be said, statistically there are ALREADY lgbtq+ male fighters in the ufc. like currently, in real life. they’re just not out publicly. the ufc has openly supported queer people’s rights in the past, and is partnered with 4 prominent HIV/AIDS awareness organizations. there is multiple openly queer women currently fighting in the ufc, including amanda nunes, who has been repeatedly called the greatest women’s fighter of all time. but as of right now, there is no openly mlm ufc fighters, so that would technically make albert the first. we love a trend setter. now back to what i’m supposed to be talking about djdhdbd

and eventually interviewers and fans on twitter realize that they’re only going to get one answer to vague questions about sexuality, which is “i’m dating a man and i fight people for a living. if that makes me a revolutionary, so be it bro.”

he includes race in a lot of his answers, especially in interviews where they ask more personal questions or grill him on his mental game, cause he loves race and thinks he deserves credit for everything he does to make al a better person and a better fighter

also, purely for my own entertainment, i think after he becomes champion (cause of course he does) he goes on the joe rogan podcast, and joe is pretty much the only one who gets albert to talk about any of it in a genuine way

he doesn’t get sarcasm or a blunt “can we talk about fighting, now?” like everyone else, he gets a real answer, cause that’s what albert came on to do anyway

he talks about getting together in highschool, and how it was race’s idea for him to start kickboxing in the first place, and what a fucking genius race is and how he’s getting his PhD right now, and how he didn’t want to talk about it cause he didn’t want to be the “gay fighter”, and how that’s a trivialization of his relationship with race and he refuses to let it be seen as anything but what it is, which is the best fucking thing that’s ever happened to him

just. Ugh. them <3

THIS POST IS SO LONG HOLY SHIT DHDHDHDH

anyway-

y e a h. albert dasilva would rock anyone’s shit. if i keep having thoughts about this i’ll make one about him becoming champion. thank you for your time ✨

also gonna tag @soaps-posts cause the brainrot is powerful so here you are my dear <3

[naptoons]

Heyyy girl can I request a nick imagine where we are quarantined with the rest of the boys?

Hey dear!! And You got it darling!!

Polaroids- Nick Mara

Summary: being stuck in the house with your bestfriends seemed fine for a while but it started to make you anxious when you have to see nick everyday. Also known as your crush.

Warnings: fluff is all.

A/N: I hope this is good my dear!! But I had so much fun writing this one. I was in my feels today so fluff it is! I love taking requests they’re so fun.

Proofread: yes/no

You only meant to visit the boys and hang out with them, then leave the following week. You were in town for a vacation from college. Spring break made you happy finally a break from everything stressful.

Now here you are stuck with the boys with no way of going home because of this pandemic. Not that you didn’t mind being with them, it’s just that you were soon running out of clothes and your car was stuck at the airport in your hometown. Nick ended up sparing some of his clothes with you, while you ordered some to be shipped. While wearing his clothes Zion and Edwin would constantly tease you about it “Aw look at you being a cute girlfriend” Zion teased

“Shut the fuck up Zion” you spat, having the desire to strangle him

“What he is your boyfriend, so actually ask him out dude!, what are you scared of?”

“Rejection, ending a friendship, awkward moments” you defend yourself

“Oh shut up dude, it could never end y’all relationship, y’all are closer than us and we’re a band, we also live together!” Zion counterattacks, you look at Edwin to see if he agrees, to which he nods as he places his phone down. “Zion is right, most times he isn’t be this time he is right”

“But listen! It can get awkward because if he says he doesn’t feel the same way about me then where am I going to sleep? I sleep in nick’s room and plus I’m stuck here with him”

“Aye! Don’t act like we kidnapped you!” Edwin throws a pillow at you, squinting your eyes you throw it back at him to which he blocks it out his way.

“Listen it’s no or never, people can only wait for so long before they give up” Zion ruffles your hair before heading towards the closet “board game night!!” Edwin yells towards Zion, what if everything he said was true. What if your fear was slowly making nick fall out of love with you. But what if he never liked you at all. Standing up you walked towards his room to grab your Polaroid camera and films but bumped into a shirtless nick head first. Bouncing back you night your lower lip staring at your toes.

“Where you going speedy?” Nick laughs slightly, brushes his thumbs against your cheek, calling you ‘speedy’ was a joke between you guys, because anytime you were passionate or nervous about something you spoke so fast. That no one could comprehend, but nick does.

“Just-just going to the room to grab my camera, we’re having board game night you should join!” You smile your heart pounding against your ribcage, you walk into the room searching for your camera, as you found the films first, you heard the door close along with the closet being opened and closed. Turning around nick was closer to you than you thought. Almost tripping over your shoes on his floor, he grabbed you by your waist crashing you into his chest.

“Are you okay y/n? You’ve been hella jittery lately” nick furrows his eyes in confusion, your ears starting to flood up in color, you couldn’t even look him in the eyes without your face turning red. “Nothing— im okay just thinking a lot you know?” Nick’s eyes shallowing in disbelief he really wants to help you, he cares about you so much and never wants you to deal with heavy emotions alone.

“Hey dont look at me like that” you start off while rubbing his forearm “I’ll be okay I swear, I am okay”

Nick’s eyes shifting whole examining your whole face, Nick wondered how you’re so beautiful inside and out, and no has treated you the way you treat others. “M’kay” Nick answers “you got your Polaroid?”

“No, I have no clue where I put it” you chew on your lower lip looking through the nightstand drawers, Nick chuckles while sitting on the bed, his fingers dig into your waist “were you that wine drunk you forgot where you placed it?” Nick smiles, causing goosebumps to scale your arms “you placed it in the closet ma” you gasp, then punch him slightly, walking towards the closet you open it seeing it sit right on top of his folded clothes.

“You’re beautiful” Nick mummers, you turn back around to see him laying on his back, showing off the ink layered on his body, you try not to smile but he always has a way with words to make you weak in the knees. “You’re handsome” you reply

“Dare I say we make a great couple” Nick teases, you roll your eyes pulling him up to his feet “yeah we would” you beam brighter, Nick meant it and so did you. But both of y’all joke that way, and neither of you knew if one was being serious or was joking.

Coming into the living room the boys were sitting on the floor sitting around the coffee table “finally mom and dad are here!” Edwin jokes

“They were probably making our niece or nephew back there” Zion comments, grabbing the nearest thing you could find you throw it at Zion, which ultimately turns your face red. Sitting on the floor nick sits next to you. “What are we playing?” You ask

“We figure you’d pick, since you’re our guest” Brandon comments

“Aw, how sweet, let’s play clue” you excitedly grab the box,

“Oh shit, y’all are in for a treat” nick boosts your excitement

“Damnit, right y/n loves solving mysteries”

Couple of minutes later you guys were yelling who you think is the murder, your suggestions told you zion was the murder, so when it was your turn you squint your eyes at him. “Hm, Zion come with me, i think you’re the murder” after talking to Zion, he ended up showing everyone his cards pointing him as the murder. Everyone looked in shock while nick’s eyes swam in love. Everyday you never failed to surprise him. Sitting back down next to nick you smile rubbing your nose against his,while his arm is on the back of the couch. All of a sudden you see a flash on the corner of your eyes. Turning around Edwin hands you the film smiling.

“Do we look good?” Nick jokes

“When dont y’all look good” Edwin replies

“Fashion couple” Brandon adds, you turn your head in nick arm attempting to hide your face.

After a couple of hours you guys played more board games, you let Edwin dye your hair purple, painted in the backyard and played in the pool. Today was a great day. And nick was slowly getting more and more agitated with how he couldn’t just tell you how he felt. Watching movies with you and the boys in the backyard, you guys made a tiny little campfire as y’all at s’mores and drank hot cocoa. Your hair still a little damped , he ran his fingers through it. You turn towards him only inches away from his lips. Your breath caught in a turmoil.

“I can’t do this anymore” nick whispers above your lips

“Do what?” You ask, instead nick just cups your face pressing his lips upon yours, placing your hand on his wrist. Everything else began to fade away, and everything Zion said was right. It couldn’t be more awkward. Because he felt the same. Seeing a flash go off in the background nick pulls away, you cover your face in his arms, Nick pulls you in closer caressing your ear lobe with his thumb.

“OTP!!” Edwin yells, you laugh purely out of nervousness, while nick soaks it all in, never being ashamed of how much he loves you. Nick kisses the top of your head “mm, I love you” nick tells you.

Cuddling in bed you guys look at all the Polaroid pictures they took of you two and everything else. Grabbing a marker from the nightstand you write down the dates on them and stick them on the cork board you and nick started since the quarantine. looking back at it for a better view. You feel nick place his chin on your shoulder softly kissing your neck.

Caressing his forearm that’s wrapped around your waist “Hmm, this is going to look great on my wall when I get home” you joke nick pouts just thinking about it, now that you were his girlfriend and you were here for a while, he couldn’t phantom you being away from him. “Aww baby, dont be sad my love, I promise I’ll leave something behind that smells like me”

Nick rolls his eyes in sarcasm while chuckling at your comment, you lay your head on his chest running your fingers over the ink on his skin “by the way, I hope you remember I do graduate in two months, so I’ll be with you for a while”

Nick smiles letting out a huge sigh of relief, one had grabbing your jaw he kisses you all over your face finally reaching your lips “god I fucking love you”

Giggling into the kiss you smile “hm I love you more”

[anxiouslymalicious]

Losers Club Plus One Part 10

A Richie Tozier x daughter!reader series

Read the previous part here or go here for the full series masterlist.

A/N: Hi there! It’s been a while, I know, and I’m truly sorry! There has been so much going on in my life and I simply lost my motivation to write. However, thanks to a very dear person, I have regained said motivation and I am here to give y’all some content! The next part is already being worked on and I hope to publish it very soon!

Anyway, this is about 3k words long. I hope you enjoy!

“Bill, we’re at the library. Where are you?” Mike asked the second Bill answered his phone. The incomplete Losers Club Plus One was gathered around him, trying to listen in on what they were talking about. To say that they were worried was an understatement. But the fact that Bill had picked up was relieving, to say the least. It meant that he was still with them. It meant that IT hadn’t gotten to him. It meant that he was more or less safe. It meant that Bill was still alive and not doing anything too stupid.

“IT took a-a little k-k-kid- IT k-killed a little k-kid right in fucking front of me.” Bill sounded distraught, heartbroken. He had been crying, probably still was crying. Y/N, who was close enough to Mike to listen in on the conversation, especially felt a strong urge in her to just hug the man and tell him that it wasn’t his fault. Because it really wasn’t. But Bill thought differently. It was his fault that Georgie was taken by IT, Georgie had been taken because he hadn’t been there. And Dean, the little kid, had been killed because Bill hadn’t been fast enough. It was Bill’s fault, in his mind, and it would always be.

“No, no, no, no, no,” Mike jumped out of his seat. He had known Bill when he was a kid, he knew that Bill often made stupid decisions, and Mike was sure that Bill’s want to protect the Losers from IT was kicking in just then. If there was one thing each of them remembered about Bill, it was his unintentional heroism as he was trying to protect his friends.

“Look, just come back to the library, we can talk about the plan-“

“I’m gonna go kill IT. I don’t want any of you to get near IT. I’m gonna kill IT.” Bill said through gritted tears before hanging up, falling into a quick jog towards Silver. It was only a matter of seconds until he and Silver were fast enough to beat the devil. And the devil, they would beat.

“He’s gonna fight IT alone. Alone!” Mike said, almost as though he was concluding the very short call he and Bill just had. Mike was scared. Not only for Bill who was driven to do the stupidest things, all by Pennywise, but he was also scared for the rest of his friends. The people who had once gone down the drain with him, explored the sewers with him, fought IT with him. But most importantly, he felt scared for the new generation. Because if they failed now, if the ritual didn’t work and all of them were to end up dead, what hope did the children have left? IT would continue to attack children, eat children, tear families apart.

“What?” Richie mumbled more to himself than anyone else. And, almost as though he had the same train of thought as Mike, he looked at his daughter. The girl he had watched as she grew up and had taken care of nearly every day of her life. He felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach as he thought of the things IT would do should he and his friends fail to kill IT once and for all. Or, should she be able to escape Derry, the things she would have to live through as she got back home to LA. Would she be able to provide for herself? Who could she go to once he was gone? How would she handle all the paperwork? And oh, all those moments ahead of her that he was going to miss. Graduations, relationships, first jobs, first travels, all the accomplishments and big events in her life that he would miss. The moments that would fill her with pride but also shatter her heart if he wasn’t there.

Y/N looked up at Richie. Her mind was blank with pure worry. She hadn’t thought further than what would happen to Bill just yet, but maybe it was for the better. Maybe it was better that she didn’t worry her head with too many consequences and the horrors of IT, the true horrors of IT that she had yet to face.

“It’s- it’s about the group. The ritual doesn’t work without the group. Doing it together was why it worked.” Mike’s fear was growing, steadily consuming him. Like a shadow covering the little light of hope, he had left after noticing that the remainder of his friends had come to the library. He had felt so hopeful when he saw all of their faces, despite the horrid circumstances, in the library, knowing that they had gotten their tokens, knowing that they would face IT with him. He had trusted Bill to come back as well, he knew that Big Bill was known to stick to his friends. Leaving them to fend for themselves was not like Bill. Not at all. This wasn’t Big Bill talking, this was Bill, the author with the childhood trauma, talking. The man who had no idea how to properly end a book. They needed to show him how it’s done.

Y/N was gnawing at her thumb. It was sore and it stung a little, but it provided her comfort. Not much, but every single bit of comfort was more than welcome. Eddie saw, and pushed her arm down, hoping it would pull her out of her thoughts and get her to stop hurting herself. A million arguments as to why she shouldn’t do that, shouldn’t nibble at her nails when she was nervous, ran through his mind, he was ready to spill them out, but he bit his tongue. Y/N surely didn’t need that right now. She needed someone to take care of her. She needed her father.

With anxious eyes, Eddie searched for Richie.

Richie, lost in his thoughts and fears, wasn’t one to quickly notice. He didn’t even properly listen in on what the Losers were talking about. He heard Ben speak. Voice raspy, heavy with worry. Then Bev. Her voice was airy, light like she didn’t want anyone to hear her words because she didn’t want them to be true.

Richie looked up. He noticed that he hadn’t heard either of his loves speak up in a while. His gaze landed on Eddie immediately.

The man had slung one arm very awkwardly around his daughter, almost like Eddie wasn’t sure of his role in that particular moment, nor did he seem very confident with it. Both Eddie and Y/N were looking at Richie with raised brows and huge eyes. They resembled a pair of helpless puppies in a way.

With a few quick strides, Richie reached the pair and pulled his little girl close to him. Y/N leaned against her father. It felt strangely foreign and yet so natural to be so close to him. Her whole body seemed to still be a little confused with what was going on, how to feel about Richie, how to act around him. But Y/N knew him. And she knew his comfort. Richie was something to hold on to. Someone who had always been there. Father or not, she needed to feel at home. And that was exactly what Richie was.

Home.

“Oh, we’re not going to like this, are we?” Eddie asked, making Richie and Y/N listen in on the conversation around them again.

Y/N looked at the group. Everyone suddenly seemed much tenser. Arms crossed, faces cold, almost sorrowful looks in their eyes. Sighing, and then-

“Fuck.” Y/N whispered as something clicked in her mind. Shit was about to go down.

Derry had turned dark. Very dark. But not only the sky had lost its light, the occasional lightning on the horizon being an exception, but the town itself seemed to change. It was like the town had become one of ghosts. Barely a soul left a trace. Very few windows were lit. It was like time had stopped around Derry and no one was alive, or at least truly waking anymore. Everyone except for the Losers Club Plus One.

Y/N found herself feeling more and more like she was asleep. She couldn’t say it had been since arriving in town. Coming to Derry was strange. It was like she had started reading a book from the middle. She had a very small knowledge of what has been happening and tiny snippets of explanations were thrown her way, but nothing really. It just wasn’t enough. And the more she lost herself in the book, the twisted storylines and the even more confusing actions of the characters, the more she felt like nothing was real. Like whatever was happening wasn’t really happening and she had actually fallen asleep while reading a book.

But every book also had an ending. And not all of them were happy endings.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about, squirt?” Richie broke the silence in the car. Richie and Y/N were riding together, just like Mike and Ben and Bev and Eddie. All of the pairs were ready to beat silver. Desperate to beat silver.

“Don’t know… Just… This place, I guess. It’s strange, isn’t it?” Y/N looked at her father. His face, every now and then illuminated by the scarce light of the streetlights all around Derry, seemed so young, yet he didn’t act like he usually did. Even Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier seemed to be intimidated by the situation he found himself in.

“It is. And I never missed it.”

“You couldn’t even remember it until Mike called.”

“Because I didn’t want to.”

“So you didn’t want to remember Eddie either?” Y/N smirked.

“Damn you, squirt. Sometimes I really wish your mom would have swallowed.”

Silence.

“Do you think things will change when we get home? Like between us?” Y/N asked curiously. But there was a sliver of hurt in her voice. Richie sighed.

“I don’t think anything is going to change unless we make a change. If you don’t want things to change between us, they don’t have to. We can act like Derry never happened when we get home. We can forget about all of this.”

It was strange hearing Richie speak all wise and serious. But it felt nice. It felt nice knowing that he took Y/N and her worries seriously and didn’t just flip them off as irrelevant.

“I don’t think I want to forget.” Y/N mumbled more to herself than to her father.

Richie’s car caught up with the other two. He hadn’t noticed how far they had fallen behind until he noticed that he could barely see the other cars before them. That’s when he sped. And it felt nice. It felt like he finally regained at least a little control over something. The last time he felt so powerless and so small compared to the world was when he entered the house on Neibolt Street for the first time. When he saw how Eddie got hurt. When he tried to reposition Eddie’s broken arm and was trapped in the same room as IT.

When the group split up for the first time.

When everything somehow shifted. And they were the world’s oldest 13-year olds.

“I can see Bill!” Y/N exclaimed, sitting up straight in her car seat, hand shooting to the seat belt buckle.

“Fuck.” Richie said as he watched Bill pushing a bike away. Was that silver? Richie was sure that he somehow had gotten his trusted bike back. How exactly, Richie didn’t know. Things had a way of coming back in Derry. But it wasn’t important. What was important was getting back together.

“Bill!” Beverly yelled, effectively stopping Bill. He turned to look at her just as he was about to enter the house.

Y/N felt like she was trapped inside a bad horror movie. The house she was facing was dark, the wood it was made of looked like it defied the laws of nature as it still stood. Y/N felt like she should feel silly, she should not be able to take this house seriously. It was the definition of a bad idea, but somehow, she felt compelled to show respect. Something about it felt intimidatingly evil. She knew the house would be no good, but she didn’t expect the place they would fight IT in to be looking as shabby yet scary.

“No!” Bill yelled back as he watched the group step closer to him and the building. They all were there. Bev, Mike, Ben, Eddie, Richie, even Y/N. Y/N, who was just a little older than they were when they first encountered IT.

Bill felt tears stinging in his eyes. He didn’t want to risk his friends’ lives again. And he for sure didn’t want to be the reason another kid had to go through what he and his friends did. Or – worst of all – he didn’t want to risk seeing another kid die because of him.

“N-no, you guys, no. I st-st-started all this. I-It’s m-my fault that y-you’re all here. Th-this curse, this fucking thing- It’s inside you all. It’s s-started growing the day I m-m-made you all go down to the barrens. Bec-cause all I cared about was finding G-Georgie. Now I’m gonna go in there, I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but I c-can’t ask you to d-do this.” Bill sounded distraught.

Y/N, subliminally, wrapped her arms around her father’s right arm. Richie acknowledged it, pulling her a little closer, but remained silent as they watched Bill fall apart with the pent-up guilt. The guilt he had been living with, sometimes more and sometimes less consciously, over the past 28 years.

Bill made eye contact with Y/N. He looked at her and saw so much potential in her. So much life, so much she had yet to give the world. And he felt sorry that she was there. He felt sorry for the pain she had endured over the past hours. Physically and mentally. Bill felt sorry for the wounds and the scars that, ultimately, he was to blame for. Because none of this would have happened if he had listened to his father. If he had stopped looking for Georgie. Or better yet, if he never acted sick to avoid playing with Georgie.

Had Bill not been so selfish, Georgie would still be alive.

“But you’re not asking us.” Y/N told Bill. “We’re here because we want to be. All of us could have left, we are free to go. But we didn’t.”

Bill sighed, running a hand through his hair to push it back. It felt sweaty, his whole head felt heated and the slight breeze of evening air felt nice. Relieving.

Richie looked funnily at his daughter. A part of him was scared she might tell the story of how they almost left if it wasn’t for Stan the man. Another part of him, however, registered that she wanted to be there. Be there, at Neibolt, with them. And it scared him to death. Nausea washed over him again and Richie had a hard time not showing just that.

Beverly picked up something from the ground. Something long and rusty. To all the Losers, it seemed to make sense, seemed to be a missing piece from a puzzle. Only Y/N watched on, visibly confused.

“Well, we’re not asking you either,” Beverly replied.

“We didn’t do this alone then, Bill. So, we’re not gonna do this alone now.” Mike added.

“Losers stick together.” Ben.

A pregnant pause. The air was thick with tension as the Losers made it clear that Big Bill wouldn’t go in there on his own. Like they had proven to one another once before. When they were nothing more than a mismatched group of kids that fit together perfectly.

The only sounds outside the house were crickets chirping in the night, an occasional roll of thunder and the wind lightly blowing through the grass. No one dared to speak up. No one dared to say another word. But not all words had been spoken yet. Each Loser was just waiting for the next move. The words that would decide how they were to proceed. 

“So, does somebody wanna say something?” Eddie broke the silence. And with that, decisions were made. The Losers would, once more, stick together.

“Richie said it b-b-best when we were here last.” Bill replied, looking at Richie expectantly. Richie now looked taken aback. He couldn’t remember ever saying the right thing at the right moment. Even Y/N looked at her father, a hint of curiosity on her otherwise confused face.

“I did?” Richie asked, still not remembering. He felt the Losers’ eyes on him, all of them waiting to hear the familiar words again. Richie thought for a moment.

“I don’t wanna die?” he asked. His daughter loosened her grip on him and shrugged a little.

“Very reasonable.” She mumbled to herself.

“Not that.” Bill’s voice sounded hoarse. A few moments of silence as Richie thought again, trying to remember what he said that day.

“You’re lucky we’re not measuring dicks?” The Losers looked at Richie, unimpressed. Y/N, however, had to fight back her giggle, but a tiny snort escaped the girl. She couldn’t hold herself back at the unexpected and yet so typical statement from the man she grew up with.

“No…” The Trashmouth whispered to himself as his friends failed to answer. The group seemed to ease up a little despite the situation they found themselves in.

“Let’s kill this fucking clown?” Bill grinned at that. The Trashmouth had found his words.

“Let’s kill this fucking clown!” Richie repeated, this time more eager. With that, the group found their spirit. The Losers Club was back and ready to kill a bitch. With that, the Losers entered the house that they knew was potentially the last place they would visit. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist (let me know if you want to be tagged in the upcoming parts!):  @whereyoustand @bellero @shockwavee @daniellajocelyn @robindoesntloveme @halefirewarrior  @ucy161 @captainshazamerica @catscrochet @gabiatthedisco @strangemaximoff @robynel @the-summer-of-39 @sammy-salamander @majorlyextra @im-justafangirl @bohemiancrue @weebishtae @nobody7102 @creativedogs @sirenjules @littlemaeve @precious-bands-love @darth-dorle @zigabrielle @ggclarissa @bat-shark-repellant @zoemassingale @avengerswon @artlovingbre  @supernovavision @eggytozier @eeemmiillyyyy​ @russian-romanova​ @isweareverythingsalright​ @supernatural3002​ @intoomuchfandoms​ @detroitbecomevenom​ @hitoshi-s-stupid-bitch​ @keeley-virgo​ @deviantly-gayy​ @thedragonofgallifrey @sycard​ @sassy-specter​ @psychosupernatural​ @jerkyheree-michaelm3ll @chros-nomsworth @princesskhy @chocolatecakeandme​ @felicityofbakerstreet​ @transparentaliencookiehoagie​ @danas-wonderland​ @paige-howell-lester​ @1800kaspbrak​ @donteatmycookiesplease​ @im-justafangirl​ @finalfemm​ @tozierskaspb​ @afictionaladventure16​ @morgan-macguire​ @niallisworld​ @sp00kymonthenthusiast @blancastans​ @delicately-important-trash​ @blue-paradise-girl @im-a-rocketman​ @emiliesnowflake​ @peachysinnermon​ @whatsupsherl0ck​ @wheezy-kasp-brak​ @ihatemyselfmorethanmydepression @ilovetaquitosmmmm @markiismoo​ @your-not-invisible-to-me​ @oisek-si @itsarandomsparkle​ @queen-fam​ @antivscogirl @fear-epidemic​ @burner-cell​ @cait-elizabeth​ @kind-sober-and-fully-dressed-99 @srtafarrell​ @opalof @x0softxgirl0x @cocastyle​ @themagicianssister​ @adritozier​ @the-almost-perfect-username @edwardspaghedwardtozier​ @attractiveugly​ @cait-scribbles​ @bethanyb1110​ @the-almost-perfect-username @spacelesbianfanclub​ @alisoncdariel​ @pinklyrium​ @leetaemintrashnumber1​ @tozierwheelerwolfhard @stress-and-obsess​ @httpstannie​ @purple-brainstorm​ @bitch-imma-head-out @sleepygal124​ @mellorine-paprika​ @im-an-assho1e​ @vergassdottir @brooke1419​ @shherlxck​ @lauren-novak​ @increasinglygeeky​ @babyyydalis​ @hotgod-amess​ @queen1054​ @raintoray @frenchiefightingman​ @70sgubler​ @ccidk​ @baconstripstripper​ @thunderkick44 @spiralingtoinsanity​ @lcvsbts​

[talkfastcal]

you can tell a lot about someone by the type of music they listen to 🎵🎶

rules: hit shuffle on your media player and write down the first 20 songs, then tag 10 people. no skipping!

Thank you for tagging me! @i-like-5sos

1. Long Way Home - 5SOS: Oh! I haven’t heard this song in awhile. This is one of my favorites from self titled (although I will always prefer the acoustic version) I still remember when they changed the lyrics to “white snake on the radio” during my ROWYSO show. My favorite lyric is “so we’re taking the long way home cause I don’t wanna be wasting my time alone”

2. Bloody Mary - Lady Gaga: I remember the first time I heard this being 11 years old and shocked LMAO if I’m being real honest I love the beat (AND THE BASS) of this song. ALSO the chorus “I WONT CRY FOR YOU” is so GOOD

3. Not Warriors - Waterparks: y’all are in for a TREAT THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE WATERPARKS SONGS. I cannot just listen to this song just once. It’s always at least 3 times and it’s ALWAYS blasting (and yes I did replay it 3 times and blast it through my headphones while typing this) When the beat drops and “THERES NOTHING IN MY SYSTEM SO IM FEELING WHAT I FEEL FOR YOU” so POWERFUL!!!! My favorite lyric is “but hey for what it’s worth I think you saved my life”

4. Best Song Ever - One Direction: I still refuse to believe this song is about sex LMAO this is such a fun song to dance to though I love it. My favorite part is Niall’s solo “I said can I take you home with me, she said never in your wildest dreams”

5. Strong - One Direction: OH! FUCK! MY FAVORITE ONE DIRECTION SONG DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH THE CHORUS “IM SORRY IF I SAY I NEED YOU” I CANT I CANT. If you have not heard them acapella sing this do me a favor and go listen ITS SO GOOD ALSO! Zayn’s high note. My favorite lyric is ofc Louis’ solo “think of how much love that’s been wasted people always trying to escape it move on to stop their heart breaking but there’s nothing I’m running from, you make me strong”

6. Kids In The Dark - All Time Low: YES I LOVE THIS SONG I LOVE THIS ALBUM I LOVE THE MEANING OF THE SONG I’m not joking when I say that I found this song and this band during the hardest time in my life and this song just really hit me hard. My favorite lyric is “beautiful scars on critical veins” AND the firework pop towards the end!!!!

7. Olivia - One Direction: I will admit this song has grown on me big time post hiatus (also the fact that now I’m not hiding my sexuality from myself I can freely listen to this song without feeling ashamed) I! Love! This! Song! It’s such a cute love song!! My favorite lyric is “the summertime butterflies all belong to your creation”

8. I Love You 5 - Never Shout Never: another band I was obsessed with back in 2015 I haven’t listened to this song in awhile!! I remember loving this song though and using it everywhere. I also like in the beginning he says “I love you one a two a three shoobe-doo I love you four that’s more than I can afford”

9. Only Angel - Harry Styles: idk not much to say about this Harry song it’s not in my top 5 but it’s a good song! I like listening to it but it’s just not my favorite. My favorite lyric is “open up your eyes shut your mouth and see that I’m still the only one who’s been in love with me”

10. Viva La Vida - Coldplay: no one: - me: AHHHHHHHHH literally this song will never be the same ever since 1d performed it on xfactor. Idk what to say about this song other than the fact that I like it??? I also like 1D’s cover of it??? Yea cool. My favorite lyric is “Never an honest word but that was when I ruled the world”

11. Glitter & Crimson - All Time Low: this song has definitely grown on me since the release of wake up sunshine. ALSO THE BRIDGE! My favorite lyric is “lets start lets start a riot hard to sit still when your head’s on fire”

12. (Love Will) Turn Back The Hands Of Time - Grease 2: don’t clown me y’all but this movie and soundtrack are a guilty pleasure. I love the original grease BUT grease 2!! It’s such a stupid movie but the soundtrack is fantastic. Anyways this song is another guilty pleasure LMAO I love the whole song so I’m not picking a “favorite lyric”

13. Savior - Rise Against: OH!!!! OH!!! THIS SONG RIGHT HERE!!!! fun fact: the first time I actually heard this song was when I watched a video of someone on YouTube burning her littlest pet shops because a trade went wrong and she got scammed so she took her anger out on that. I literally forgot about this song until one day I heard it in my junior year literature class and had major deja vu. Okay anyways I love this song LMAO my favorite part is the chorus “that’s when she said I don’t hate you boy I just want to save you while there’s still something left to save. That’s when I told her I love you girl but I’m not the answer for the questions that you still have WOAH OH OH WOAH OH OHHH”

14. National Anthem - DE’WAYNE: okay THIS SONG it’s so good and it describes what it’s like growing up in America as a POC. I don’t wanna say too much about it since I’m not a POC so I know I will never fully understand the song because of my privilege but I appreciate the fuck out of this. I love the entire song I don’t have a favorite lyric

15. Your Love - Nicki Minaj: I miss this Nicki Minaj. UM not much to say about this song either??? It’s a good song and I like it?! My favorite part is the chorus OH and the outro I love it

16. Just Dance - Lady Gaga: another pop classic from my childhood alright I MEAN ITS JUST DANCE?! HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THIS SONG??? ALSO THIS LADY GAGA?! Don’t get me wrong I love the lady Gaga we have now BUT THIS ONE WILL ALWAYS BE ASSOCIATED WITH MY CHILDHOOD AND PRETEEN YEARS. I remember feeling like a badass singing this song when I was 10 years old LMAO I don’t have a favorite lyric I love the whole thing it’s a bop

17. Dear Patience - Niall Horan: Oh!! One of my favorites from Heartbreak Weather. His voice in this song is just so beautiful ugh yes. I absolutely love the chorus of this. My favorite lyric is “feels like you don’t even know me just me and the stars can get lonely”

18. San Francisco - 5sos: OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SONG ITS IN MY TOP 3 FROM SOUNDS GOOD FEELS GOOD. I hardly see anyone appreciate this song so I’m here to tell y’all: ITS A GOOD SONG?!?! have y’all listened to the live version AS WELL!!!! masterpiece. This song makes me happy especially the guitar at the beginning. My favorite lyric is “reminds me of when we were free I swear that it’s still haunting me” BUT! I do love that pre-chorus

19. They All Float - Waterparks: NICE a song from their first EP okay but I love this song it’s much heavier compared to what they sing now and that’s what I like about it. My favorite part is THE BRIDGE!!! “this is the part where you cut your losses this is the part where you get a job this is the part where you settle for less just like you never wanted to”

20. We made it finally Adrenaline - Simple Creatures: OH MY GOD THIS SONG LISTEN this is the first song I listened to from this band (which btw if y’all didn’t know is made up of Alex Gaskarth from ATL and Mark Hoppus from Blink-182) I mean while it’s more pop (which is what their intention is) ITS STILL A GOOD BAND!!! ESPECIALLY THIS SONG!! ITS SO GOOD DAMN I love the music video omfg. I’m just a sucker for dance choreography since I grew up surrounded by dance (I did competitive dance for a couple of years and my sister was a competitive dancer until she graduated) okay enough about me this song is so damn good I can’t stop saying that alright! My favorite lyric “I think we’re failin to connect you don’t what you do to me do to me do to me” and I LOVE THE CHORUS

This was fun!!! And it took me forever LMAO I’m not tagging 10 people but I’ll tag some

@louhazzabeingloudandloud @28-oops-hi @devilatmydoor @glitter-cal and anyone else who wants to do this!! 💜

[otomaticallyobsessed]

Quarantine Blues

Ok y’all so this is my first fic I’ve ever written... If anyone even reads this, feel free to give some feedback. I have some other fic ideas, and depending on how this goes I may or may not write those too. I think it’ll become obvious this is based off my real life circumstances - and I figured if the fic you need doesn’t exist, make it yourself right?

Karno x Reader, hurt/comfort

cw: depression, quarantine, some swearing

It was a dark, lonely night. I had been trying and failing to concentrate on my homework for hours, but to no avail. This quarantine was getting to me, seeping into my spirit and stealing away any amount of positivity and productivity I might have felt.

I am in my last semester of university. Actually, at this point I am only two weeks away from everything being finally over. But the pressure of finals, quarantine, and the reemergence of my depression is getting to me, and I am breaking down.

I sigh for probably the hundredth time in the last hour. I was getting nowhere, and the longer I sat here the more I wanted to just throw my laptop across the room, pack a bag, and go find some cabin in a woods somewhere and make my fate secluded from society.

I cast my gaze up to the night sky, trying to find some source of comfort. Immediately, my eyes are drawn to the familiar stars of the Cancer constellation. I sigh again, but this time not because of the homework.

Karno… I miss you.

I’m sure he is working harder than anyone in the heavens at the moment. I haven’t seen any of the Zodiac gods since this pandemic started, and I doubted I would anytime soon. I smile to picture Karno attempting to talk down Leon as he ripped into Zyglavis. Karno waking up Aigo for the thirteenth time that day. Karno staying up all hours of the day to make sure the department ran smoothly.

I couldn’t help but long to see him. He was always so calm, so reassuring. I could use one of his amazing hugs right now.

Ugh! Karno is working hard right now, so you should be too!

I shake my head to rid myself of thoughts of him. I didn’t want any of my wishes accidentally making its way into the department – Leon and Teo would never let me hear the end of it. And besides, I didn’t want to distract him.

I reopen my notebook, and glance back at my laptop. I really am trying to get something done, but I end up just staring at the computer screen for who knows how long. Eventually I groan and lay my head down on the desk. It was pointless.

“Well now, that’s not a sound I like hearing from you.”

I jerk up in surprise. “Karno?!” I frantically look around my room but no one is there. “Good gods I’m going insane.”

Two warm hands cover my eyes. “Well, I certainly hope not!”

I grab his hands from over my eyes, rise from my chair, and throw myself at him. “Karno!! Why did you hide?”

“I’ll admit, I thought it might be fun to play a joke. Maybe I’ve been seeing Ichthys too much. We’re all working together right now and its a little much.” He wraps his arms around me and holds me close to his chest. I missed his hands on my waist, and felt immeasurably more complete having him in my arms.

“Now, what has gotten my darling so upset I could hear her from the heavens?” I’m quiet for a second. Now that he’s here, I feel really silly thinking about telling him anything. I mean, he’s a literal god helping keep the world in balance, and I’m freaking out over a college final? “I tried to not call to you. I’m sorry if I pulled you away from something important.”

“Nothing is as important to me as you.” He whispers, making direct eye contact with me. He pulls away slightly, but only to guide me to my bed. He pulls me back close to him as we settle down. “Tell me what is wrong?”

“It’s silly.” “It’s not silly if it’s bothering you.”

“I guess its just… I can’t concentrate on anything. I can’t do anything right now either. I’ve been writing the same report for the last week. Usually something like this would take me three hours, not three days!”

“Why can you not concentrate?”

“The… uncertainty of the whole situation! This is an important coming of age time for me. Graduating college is huge for humans! And now everything is on lockdown, nobody is hiring, classes suddenly moved online, my work shut down… All within a week! And now its been six weeks, I’m still not recovered from the whiplash, and this room of mine has become a damn prison.”

He tugs me closer. “I’m so sorry, beloved. If you don’t want to worry about school anymore, you just have to wish it.” “You’re sweet… but I can’t do that. I have to do this work myself – otherwise I may have the degree but I won’t have earned it.”

“And that is why I adore you so much.” He pauses thoughtfully, then asks “Is this all that’s truly bothering you? Its certainly enough to have anyone rattled, but I feel like there may be more.”

I give off a mirthless laugh. I should have known he would notice something. He was too damn perceptive. “Maybe you’re right about that.”

“Mmm.” He acknowledges me, looking at me expectantly. His warm brown eyes show nothing but love and patience.

“Well… I don’t think gods deal with this sort of thing really but… Are you familiar with illnesses of the mind?”

“Well, I have heard of punishment cases of humans who have lost their grip on reality and hurt other because of it. Hue has mentioned though that are lots of different ways humans can be sick, physically and mentally, and that not all of them are so violent as those instances.”

I focus my gaze on the ceiling above me and take a deep breath. He waits patiently for me to say something. When I don’t, he prompts me, “I’m going to assume you suffer from an ailment of the mind as well?”

“It’s… humans call it depression.” “And what is it like?” “It can be different for anyone… But for me I can’t concentrate, and I just want to sleep all day. And all night. And just always. Always sleep. Because everything hurts, and I don’t want it to. I can’t even do the easiest assignment in the world! I can’t concentrate, and it hurts. I’m going to fail my classes and it hurts. I can’t see my family and it hurts. I can’t even take a fucking shower most days. And it hurts. Everything hurts. And it won’t stop. I can’t make it stop. I can’t make my brain shut up, and it just keeps telling me how shitty I am and-“

“Darling.” Karno calmly cuts me off. He’s taken my hand, and is slowly uncurling my fingers from my palms. I hadn’t noticed it, but I was clenching my fists so tightly that my nails had drawn blood in small crescent moons all over my palms. He rubs my back soothingly as he kisses away the tears marking my face. “How long has this been going on for?”

“All my life it comes and goes. Its… its been over a year since it’s been bad though. I was starting to think that maybe it was gone for good – it’s the longest I’ve been okay! I’ve been… good actually. I met you, I’ve made friends for the first time in my life, I’ve actually enjoyed school… But since this quarantine happened, its back. Its soul crushing, because now I know. I was naïve. It’s never going to go. It’s going to be with me forever.”

“Well. It’s a good thing I’m going to be with you forever too.”

I look up at him in shock. “Really? You don’t think I’m some kind of weirdo?” “You are a weirdo dear, but that’s because you don’t like spicy food. If we can get past that, we can get past anything.” I giggle a bit before he continues. “It breaks my heart to hear you’ve been dealing with this alone. But you don’t have to anymore, okay? Anytime you are sad, or lonely, I’m only a wish away.”

“But your work-“

“Let me worry about my work. As I said before, you are the most important thing to me.” As his words sink in, they fill me up to the brim and spill out as tears. “Please don’t cry anymore, my love. I’m here.”

“Can you just hold me?”

“Of course.”

I stay in his warm embrace, and close my eyes to inhale his scent. I could never quite place what he smelled like – probably something too divine for the likes of earth. It smells like citrus and… cinnamon, maybe. He runs his hands through my hair as I cry, and he murmurs soft words of comfort and love until I fall asleep there in his arms.

In the morning, my eyes are sore and puffy from the night before. I wake up warm and comfortable, and I realize Karno is still wrapped around me. Noticing I’m awake, he smiles gently “Good morning.” “You’re still here? I thought you would have left after I fell asleep?” He raises a questioning eyebrow. “Did you want me to?” “No!” I protest, probably a bit too quickly.

He smiles and gives me a soft, slow kiss.

“I do have to be going, my love. But I have a parting gift for you.”

“You do?” I look up at him curiously.

“Indeed. Do you remember my special power?” I nod my head, of course I do. “Well, I figured the least I can do is magnify your happiness, and productivity.” “But I thought that you could only magnify exiting properties… I don’t have either of those right now.” “Oh?” Karno smirked. “Then are you unhappy right now to see me?”

“No!”

“I know you, dearest. I know you are positive, and you are one of the most self-motivated people I know. They’re in there.” He leans over ad gives me a kiss on the forehead. Immediately, I feel a lightness and a warmth suffuse my body. “Remember my love, I am but a wish away.” He gently caresses my cheek, and I close my eyes to his touch. When I open them again, he’s gone.

I was sad to see him go, but no longer lonely. In fact, I felt better than I had in weeks. My love for him filled my chest until I felt like bursting.

Well then. Best not to waste a divine gift.

Time to kick an essays ass.

[missjanjie]

Branjie Fic | How Wonderful Life Is (While You’re in the World)

Title: How Wonderful Life Is (While You’re in the World) Summary: This is an epilogue/sequel to tiny dancer, because an extra dose was necessary. Word Count: ~1.7k Relationship: Branjie (Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo) Rating: T

Read on AO3

“I thought you’d be a little more excited by now,” A’keria observed. “You only graduate college once.”

Vanessa shrugged, setting the glue stick down. They’d been spending the day decorating their caps, but her heart just wasn’t in it. And that was because her heart was doing ballet in France. “I just miss her.”

“Come on, this was supposed to be a fun distraction,” Blair gently chimed in, resting her hand on her shoulder. “Brooke would want you to enjoy yourself, right?”

“Fuck, you make it sound like she’s dead,” she groaned and rest her head against the table. “How am I supposed to do this shit for another two months?” They were only two weeks into the ten-week engagement, and she already decided she couldn’t handle it.

A’keria pinched the bridge of her nose. “No, you just a drama queen. Aren’t you visiting her next month anyway? Bitching and moaning like you ain’t about to go to fucking France.”

Vanessa pushed herself up off the table, only to slump into her chair. “Y’all just don’t get it. We haven’t spent more than a few weeks apart in four years. I got separation anxiety!” Her cheeks flushed red, she was still embarrassed - she was self aware enough to know she was being childish and maybe a bit self-centered, but she couldn’t help herself; next to her mom, Brooke Lynn was the most important person in her life.

Blair nodded sympathetically. “Aw, honey, we understand. Why don’t we pick this up tomorrow? You should go give her a call before it gets too late over there. Go ahead, we’ll clean up here.”

A’keria arched her brow. “We will?”

“Yes,” she glared

Vanessa wasn’t paying attention to the bickering going on between her friends. Once Blair had given her the go-ahead to leave, she was gathering her things and heading right out the door. She glanced at her phone on the way out - it was about ten at night in Brooke’s side of the world, if she remembered correctly.

And lucky for her, Brooke Lynn was still awake and willing to Skype by the time she returned to their apartment.

“You’ve got glitter all over your face,” Brooke observed with a soft chuckle. “What sort of fun have you been getting up to over there?”

“None, I promise,” she retorted flatly. “We was decorating our caps but I just wasn’t feeling it. It’s kinda tacky at this point anyway,” she added, pulling dried glue off of her fingertips and flicking it away.

She pouted sympathetically. “Poor baby,” she cooed. “I think you should decorate it, though. It’s not like you to ever blend in.”

A slight smile twitched at the corners of her lips. “Yeah, maybe,” she shrugged. “How’s shit over there?”

“I mean, it’s hard to complain about this place,” she admitted with a soft laugh. “The only thing it’s missing is my beautiful girlfriend,” she cooed, batting her lashes.

Vanessa chuckled softly, looking down and pushing her hair off of her shoulders. “So, you ain’t gonna leave me for some fancy French bitch then?” She did her best to play it off as a lighthearted joke, but even after all this time, there was a nagging sense of doubt somewhere inside her that worried one day Brooke would wake up and realize she could do better.

Brooke scoffed and shook her head. “As if anyone in this entire continent could hold a candle to you. I’m offended at the mere suggestion, Vanj.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ve just been missing you.”

“I miss you too, but you’ll be here before you know it, and you’ll have a shiny new degree to be proud of.”

She looked back at her half-decorated cap on the dresser. “Still kinda hard to believe.” On paper, it had looked like all the odds had been stacked against Vanessa from the get-go. No one ever truly believed that she had the intelligence and determination to earn a college degree. Hell, when she had finished her first year, people around her had been surprised.

Except for Brooke.

“No it’s not,” she replied without a moment’s hesitation. “You busted your ass from the moment I met you, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that tries as hard as you. You, my dear, are a force to be reckoned with.”

“Guess it’s hard to argue now that you got proof,” Vanessa conceded, “I just wish you was gonna be here for it.”

Brooke sighed sadly. “I do too, baby. But I promise, Nina’s going to be there livestreaming the whole thing to me.”

It wasn’t the same, but there was no point in belaboring the issue - it wasn’t going to change anything and they both would only feel worse. “You right, I know. Imma let you get to bed, talk to you tomorrow.”

“Alright, love you,” she blew a kiss at the screen.

“Love you too,” she smiled fondly and ended the call.

However, when Brooke Lynn closed her laptop, she didn’t leave it sitting on her desk. Instead, she packed it into its case and put it in with her luggage. She flopped down on her bed for a moment, she’s not an actress and lying to Vanessa was harder than any course she’d taken during her master’s program, especially seeing the sadness in her expression - it was physically painful, but she knew it would pay off.

The alarm went off on her phone moments later and she made her way to the front of the apartment building to wait for a taxi. “L'aéroport, s'il vous plaît,” her diction had improved, but her French was still remedial.

But she got there just fine and landed in JFK around midnight. She took the train back into Manhattan, then took a cab to Nina’s apartment. “Thanks for waiting up for me,” she whispered as she slipped inside and carefully closed the door behind her.

“No problem, but you definitely owe me,” Nina chuckled and grabbed her a bottle of water. “Now, tell me again why you’re waiting until her party to show up?”

Brooke took a swig from the bottle and set it down on the table. “Because the graduation ceremony is going to be too busy. Besides, the party is going to be all about her, it’ll be the perfect moment for, you know…”

Nina nodded in understanding. “She’s going to be so excited to see you. I can already hear it; ‘Brooke Lynn! You’re here!’” She imitated Vanessa’s distinct way of speaking, getting her friend to laugh and hopefully alleviating the nerves she knew were still lingering.

------

Vanessa ran to her family, one hand clutching her diploma and the other holding her cap steady on her head. “Y’all seeing this shit? I’m a fuckin’ graduate!” She beamed brightly as her family surrounded her with affection and praise, the reality that she had actually survived college - something even she didn’t anticipate for herself.

“Come on sweetheart, it’s time to celebrate,” her mother cooed, leading her into the car so they could relocate to the venue.

They had reserved a private party room at one of Vanessa’s favorite restaurants. It had already been decorated with balloons and congratulatory banners as family and friends began filing in.

“Aw, you guys! This is so nice of y’all,” Vanessa beamed as she looked around the room.

“Actually,” Nina started, practically bouncing on the balls of her feet with a giddy expression. “We have a little surprise for you.” She glanced over her shoulder, her smile brightening even more.

The room was silent, aside from some confused murmuring, until the sound of heels clacking against the hardwood floor got louder and louder until Brooke Lynn was standing in the doorway.

Vanessa’s eyes went wide and began to well with tears. “Brooke Lynn!”

“Hi, baby,” Brooke had barely gotten the phrase out before Vanessa launched herself at her. She caught her in a tight embrace, picking her up and spinning her around.

“I can’t believe you’re here! What about your show?”

She shrugged as she set her down. “The understudy agreed to do a couple shows so I could surprise my girlfriend,” she kissed her sweetly and ruffled her hair. “It’s so good to see you.”

Even after she was set down, Vanessa was still hugging her tight. “I’m so happy you’re here, oh my god,” she tilted her head up to blink away tears.

Brooke stroked her fingers through her hair, humming softly. Then she took a step back, swallowing thickly. “I… um… I actually have one more surprise for you.”

“You’re not pregnant, are you?”

She laughed awkwardly and shook her head. “No, this is just… something I’ve wanted to do since… honestly, since our first Thanksgiving together. I’ve been ready but… I finally think we’re ready,” she haphazardly rifled through her purse, her legs trembled as she got down on one knee.

The Mateo family had already erupted in excitement, scrambling for their phones and enthusiastically chattering in Spanish. Vanessa was the only quiet one, biting down on her knuckles as she was already starting to cry.

“Vanessa--”

“Yes!” “Let me finish!” Brooke giggled softly, then collected herself as quickly as she could, opening the box up. “Vanessa, I’ve loved you from the moment I met you, regardless of how stubborn I was about it in the beginning. But over these past four years, my love for you has only grown exponentially. And that’s why I want to ask you… will you marry me?” There was a beat of silence. “You can answer now.”

“Yes!” It was somewhere between a scream and a sob, Vanessa hardly knew what to do with herself, so she just threw her arms around Brooke and cried into the crook of her neck until she had pulled herself together enough to slide the ring onto her finger. “Damn, look at this rock!” She exclaimed to distract herself and everyone else from how much of a mess she was.

“This bitch really got a diploma and a wife on the same day,” A’keria remarked to Blair with a laugh. “But I’ll be damned if there ain’t anyone that deserves it more.”

As the newly-engaged couple embraced, the energy that surrounded them made it clear that everyone shared those sentiments. Brooke Lynn and Vanessa had been through a lot since the day they met in Katya’s dance class, but it was all worth it to lead up to this moment.

[artificialqueens]

nobody knows where we might end up, chapter fourteen (branjie) - holtzmanns

(read on ao3) | (tumblr: plastiquetiaras) | word count: 4534

AN: Thank you so, so much for the continued wonderful feedback on this fic. I appreciate every single comment so much, they all make my heart so happy. Writ continues to be the most wonderful beta <3

(then)

Dear Miss Hytes,

We are delighted to inform you that you have been accepted to the MD program at the University of Toronto’s Faculty of Medicine. In this package, you will find information concerning next steps to take should you accept the offer. We look forward to seeing you in September.

Brooke’s done it.

Gotten into U of T for med school, something that she’s always wanted. On third year entry, so she gets to start a whole year early.

So why isn’t she happy about it?

She flips through the package with shaky hands, flitting her gaze between the papers and the small envelope that is addressed to Vanessa, sitting on the counter. She bites her lip.

It’s unfair. Out of the five schools that she’s applied to, she’s gotten into three, waitlisted at one, and rejected from one. Vanessa’s been waitlisted at two, rejected from two, and the thin envelope on the counter from UofT does not look promising by any means.

Brooke doesn’t get it. They’ve both worked their asses off, gotten similar grades, similar experience. They helped each other edit their personal statements and practiced for their interviews together. Why have they gotten completely different answers from the same schools?  

It feels like some sort of cosmic sick joke, the universe trying to separate them after being able to tell how bad both of them want this.

Brooke’s afraid that it’s going to drive them apart, because how are they supposed to get through this? She doesn’t want to see Vanessa’s reaction to the envelope, she can’t, because it’s the final nail in the coffin, proclaiming that Brooke can go to med school but Vanessa has to be left behind for her to do so.

She almost wishes that the two of them didn’t apply for third year entry. They could have finished off their fourth years and graduated together and truly enjoyed themselves. Starting med school, even a year early, feels stupid now.

Brooke jumps when she hears the key in the lock turn at the front door, biting her lip because there Vanessa is, grinning and with no idea what’s waiting for her on the counter.

“B, there was the coolest patient today on the cardiac stepdown unit. He was there for his third pacemaker. Third! He’s gone through two pacemaker surgeries already and just shrugged when the attending told him he’d need another one, can you believe that?” Vanessa’s eyes are alight with excitement and normally it’s one of Brooke’s favourite sights, because seeing Vanessa talk about something that she loves so much fills own her heart up with love. But today, it’s a reminder of the bad news that Vanessa’s about to get. And Brooke’s going to have to watch.

“What are you holding?” Vanessa drops her bag into the counter, shuffling closer towards her before stopping abruptly in her tracks. “Oh.”

“Let me guess.” Vanessa’s laugh is bitter as she grabs the thin envelope on the table, one that can only hold a rejection letter because it’s too small to hold anything else. “This one is mine.”

Brooke can’t help the way her voice comes out pleading as she comes around to the other side of the table. “Ness-”

“Don’t. I…I have to go.” Vanessa draws in a breath, grabbing her phone and keys from the table and turning on her heels. “I’m sorry, I just. I can’t right now. I need space, B.”

Brooke can see the way Vanessa’s eyes are filling with tears, the hand she lifts to angrily wipe them away before turning towards the door. She feels frozen in place, because she wants to go up to Vanessa, hug her and reassure her that everything will be okay, but she doesn’t even know that herself right now.

And how can it be, when only one of them has actually gotten into med school?

“V-”

“I’ll be back later.” Brooke’s not sure if she’s imagining the sniffle that she hears in Vanessa’s voice before she shuts the door, but the click of the lock as it turns feels final, like they can’t go back from here. Like she can’t go outside and chase Vanessa because there’s a barrier between them now, one that Vanessa’s put up because Brooke’s gone and gotten into med school and-

God. They really just shouldn’t have gone and applied for third year entry.

“Your girl is currently pouting on my couch, eating all of the chocolate chip cookies that I bought.” Silky’s voice nearly makes Brooke sigh out loud in relief.

“Oh, thank god.” Brooke runs a hand through her hair. Knowing that Vanessa’s gone to Silky’s place calms Brooke down a little, because at least she’s somewhere safe.

“So what happened?” Silky’s voice is hushed, as hushed as she can get, on the other end of the phone.

“Wait, she didn’t tell you?” Brooke’s surprised. One of Vanessa’s first reactions when she’s upset or angry is to vent, to let out what’s bothering her. She’d expected today to be no exception.

“Nope. Just plopped herself down on my couch and keeps sniffling. Brought her a box of tissues from my room before sitting down beside her.”

“Ugh.” Brooke feels awful, like she’s the one who’s caused this. In a way, she has. Not getting into any of the schools must feel like an even deeper cut for Vanessa after seeing that Brooke’s got into three. Brooke feels the lump in her throat growing, and has to swallow hard to keep herself from tearing up. She hates being the cause of Vanessa’s pain.

“So? Spill. Did y’all have a nasty fight or something?” Silky’s voice is curious. “‘Cause never seen you two really get into it, other than bickering over stupid shit.”

“We heard back from U of T today.” The envelopes sit on the counter, taunting her. She wants to throw them away and never think about them again.

Silky sucks in a breath. “Oh, shit. So Vanj didn’t…”

“No.” Brooke whispers it. “What do I do, Silk? How can I make it better, at all?”

“You can’t.” Silky’s answer makes Brooke’s heart sink even though she’s expected it, though she needed to hear it from another person. “But at the same time, it ain’t your fault. And you can’t let it dampen the fact that you got into your dream school, either. Which is a big fucking deal.”

“Does it even matter now, though? It’s not going to be the same.” Brooke tries to imagine going through medical school, leaving Vanessa behind. It feels wrong, somehow, like it’s deviating from the plans that they’ve dreamed about for years.

“Who cares? Y’all may be constantly attached at the hip, but you’re also your own people. You’re not one giant ass blob required to do the same thing every time. That’s not how relationships work.”

“I know that, but-” Brooke pauses because Silky is right, and she knows it, but it just feels strange. “I don’t want to leave her behind.”

“You’re not. ‘Cause she’s gonna follow right behind you next year, and you know that. ‘Cause y’all will stay a team, that don’t have to change.”

“It feels like it already has.” Brooke sinks down into their couch that feels so empty without Vanessa on it too, leaning against her or propping her feet up. “I don’t even know what I’m going to say to her, because everything coming out of my mouth feels like it’s going to make it worse.”

“Maybe it will, for awhile.” Silky’s voice is contemplative. “It did just happen. She needs time to heal from it, and so do you. But it ain’t gonna be a fresh wound forever.”

“So what do I do in the meantime?” Brooke feels like a bull in a china shop, about to knock everything over should she take a step in the wrong direction, and make Vanessa feel even more hurt.

“Be there for her. She’s probably gonna be hurt, still a little mad. Maybe take it out on you. Don’t put up with that shit, but at the same time show her you still care.”

“Why wouldn’t I care?” The thought feels so incredulous, so ridiculous in Brooke’s brain that it nearly makes her laugh.

“I know you do, Lord knows the rest of our friends do because you two are obsessed with each other. But who knows if she’ll feel like you’re leaving her behind, or done with her - which you’re not, I know - but she needs to know that too.”

What Silky’s saying makes sense to Brooke. She needs to be proud of her own accomplishments, that she’s done it, while also showing Vanessa that it doesn’t mean things have to change between them. Brooke doesn’t want it to, doesn’t want to lose what they’ve created together over the last three years. Vanessa’s worth too much to her for them to do that.

Their bed feels too empty, too big, as if it stretches out for miles and miles with no end in sight. Brooke feels too exposed, too cold, despite the two comforters that she’s curled up underneath, burrowing herself in further in an effort to get warm. She misses her space heater, the small ball of heat that is Vanessa who loves to sleep curled up in her arms, her waves tickling her face as she dozes off. Except now her arms are empty, and there’s no one to keep her warm, no one to nuzzle into her. No one to accidentally elbow her and make her wake up with a yelp.

Brooke misses her.

She wonders if Vanessa is equally miserable on Silky’s couch, the leather sticking to her skin as she tries to sleep in an unfamiliar place. A small part of Brooke wants to walk over and get her, bring her back home, because this feels too wrong for the both of them.

Brooke presses her face against her pillow, the cotton soft on her cheek. The way that it smells like softness of Vanessa’s shampoo makes the lump in her throat become ever so much more noticeable.

Sleep never quite takes her under as she tosses and turns, watching the clock on her bedside table flip past two, three, four, five a.m, until the sun is beginning to light up the world outside. Brooke’s not sure if she’s imagining it when she hears the soft pad of feet into the room as birds begin to chirp, feels a body climb into the bed behind her. Though the arm that wraps around her waist, the sigh against her shoulder blade is unmistakable, making her heartbeat speed up inexplicably faster despite the sunrise casting a glow along the curtains.

Brooke doesn’t move, wondering if Vanessa thinks that she’s asleep. As if she’s gotten in any hours at all. But then Vanessa’s arm around her tightens, and Brooke can feel the way she murmurs softly against against her back.

“M’sorry.”

Brooke lets out a small breath that sounds more ragged than she wants it to, more revealing of how much Vanessa coming back is beginning to tape her heart back together. “S’okay.”

It’s not. Brooke knows it’s not, Vanessa probably knows that it’s not, too. But what are they supposed to do? How can they fix something that’s been broken by neither of them, something that’s completely out of their control?

Brooke turns slowly in Vanessa’s grasp until she’s facing her, and Vanessa takes the opportunity to shuffle closer, burying her face against her and tangling their legs together, as if any physical distance between them could be considered a crime.

“Didn’t sleep.”

“Me neither.” Brooke runs her fingers up and down Vanessa’s back, and the motion feels like it’s regulating her heartbeat once more, taming the erraticness that has been taunting her the entire night.

Brooke presses a kiss to Vanessa’s hair, hears her sigh softly in response, snuggle closer. “Let’s try now.”

“‘Kay.” Vanessa mumbles the words and Brooke can already hear the way that her breaths are beginning to deepen, the way her muscles are relaxing from their tensed up state. Brooke’s sure that her own body is mirroring Vanessa’s, from the way that she’s finally, finally starting to feel heavier, sleep taking over the edges of her subconscious for the first time all night.

Maybe so much reliance on another person is not the best for Brooke’s heart, making it dependent on the existence of someone who is living their own life, one which may not always coincide with hers. But at the same time, she craves it. Having someone who’s her person, who’s there for her and whom she’s there for too.

Brooke’s going to try and be there. For Vanessa, throughout the next year. She’s not sure what it’s going to bring, with her starting med school and Vanessa starting her fourth year, but she’s going to try. Vanessa’s going to apply again and this time it’s going to be successful, it has to, because Vanessa’s one of the smartest and hard working people that Brooke’s ever met in her life.

She’s going to keep telling her so too, over and over until she starts to believe it again. Though she’ll do so after they wake up in the morning.

(now)

“Hey, D. What are you FaceTiming me in the middle of the day for?” Brooke answers the call as she walks back to her office from the cafeteria, holding the salad that she’s bought because she had been too busy to make lunch the night before.

“Okay, I know that we’re grabbing drinks this weekend, and we’ll properly catch up then and everything, but I couldn’t wait because you know how much I love Jake Gyllenhaal, and his hot ass came for a press stop today-No, Julia, I said a skim latte with half sugar, not full-anyway, a bitch got his number because I’m what? Unprofessional while at my job!” Brooke watches her screen amusedly as Detox lets it all out in one breath, complete with a flourish of her arm behind her.

“You’re unbelievable.” Brooke snorts as Detox barely hears her, scolding another production assistant on screen.

Detox looks back, and shrugs. “Hey, you know me. I rarely get starstruck after having to interview so many celebs that turn out to be terrible people. This man, though? Told me his sandwich made him feel, and I quote, ‘a sense of peace.’ Who says shit like that? Jake Gyllenhaal, that’s who.”

“How on earth did you get his number?” Brooke’s impressed. Being a daytime talk show host, Detox has rubbed arms with her fair share of celebrities, though her finessing abilities are still surprising to Brooke sometimes.

“Told him how my sandwich calmed my own existential dread.” Detox says it with a straight face, making Brooke narrow her eyes.

“You did not.”

“Okay, I did not, but I also wore an incredibly ass hugging skirt on set today, which definitely did me some favours and made sure that he saw before I went up and talked to him. Using my womanly powers for good, baby.” Detox flips her perfectly styled hair over her shoulder, and Brooke shakes her head as she takes a bite of her salad.

“You are truly something else. I’m so proud.”

Detox grins on her screen. “Just thought I’d share because you’ve kept hounding me after Mark and I broke up that I deserved better than him-”

“You do, he was terrible-”

“-and now I’ve found it! Score one for me, and it’s with the cryptid man himself. Gonna get me some celebrity dick.”

Brooke lets out a laugh. “Very happy for you, D. Can’t wait to hear all about him this weekend.”

Detox points a finger at her. “Prepare your sensitive ears, because I’m sparing no details.”

“When have you ever?” Brooke raises an eyebrow. Detox’s escapades are wild to hear about second-hand, and make Brooke incredibly relieved that she’s not into men. Though Detox seems to enjoy herself, and so Brooke’s happy that her friend is having a good time.

Detox pauses. “Fair point. Now tell me how you’re doing, I haven’t seen your cute doctor face in like, two months.”

“You’re right, we’re way too busy.” Brooke sighs because both her and Detox are always swamped at work, their schedules never quite overlapping enough for regular hangouts. Though Brooke always feels like they’re able to lapse back into their old selves whenever they have a chance to talk, as if no time has passed at all, and it feels like they’re back in their first year university dorm once more. “I’m okay, taking a small lunch before a procedure at 12:45-”

“Hold up.” Detox is narrowing her eyes at the screen, and Brooke has to resist fidgeting under her gaze as she takes another bite of her salad.

“What?”

“You’re looking weird.”

Brooke makes a face. “Rude. I’m not looking weird.”

Detox moves her face closer. “Not bad weird, just. Something’s different.”

Brooke’s phone dings with a text message that shows up on the top of the screen, and she has to keep the smile from growing on her face when she sees it’s from Vanessa.

VM: see you tn! i’m excited :) x

“See! That right there!” Detox’s screech nearly makes Brooke jump and drop her phone.

“What?”

“You’re glowing like Rihanna herself gave you a Fenty Beauty makeover.” Brooke watches her screen as Detox leans back in a chair. “Tell me.”

“I dunno? I slept well?” Better than she has in ages, in fact, though Detox doesn’t need to know that.

Detox leans forward, a gasp leaving her mouth. “You’re having sex.”

Brooke sputters. “Okay, first of all, rude, I have a sex life-”

Detox’s face is one of glee. “Nah, B, you’re really having sex like, you’re hella enjoying it and maybe even falling head over heels for the person kinda sex. You got that sex glow.”

“What sex glow?” Brooke subconsciously looks at her reflection in the FaceTime camera. “I’m a little sweaty in this lab coat, that’s all.”

“The happy sex glow. The one people wear when they get dicked down so good that they’re walking on air for weeks afterwards. Or in your case, pussied down I guess?” Detox makes a face. “Though doesn’t have the same ring to it.”

“Well, I haven’t.” It’s true. The last person she slept with was the girl at the bar to forget about Vanessa, not that it did much but it didn’t even matter in the end because-

Detox interrupts her train of thought. “I haven’t seen you looking this stupid since- wait .”

Detox’s gasp make Brooke shift in her seat. “What?”

“You’re not. Tell me you’re not.”

“Not what?”

“You are!” Detox’s screech echoes around Brooke’s office like a megaphone. “Fuck, I knew it, after you said Vanessa moved back here a few months ago I knew it-”

“What are you-”

“You’re sleeping with her again!” Detox is loud enough that the people behind her on Brooke’s screen turn to look at her, and Brooke has to resist a groan.

“Technically, we’re not-”

“I don’t even care what happens for the rest of the day, my god.” Detox fans herself. “You’re back with your ex-girlfriend and suddenly we’re back in university, I love this.”

“We’re not back together.” Brooke pauses on the word, because it seems like everything with Vanessa comes with an asterisk, a note of explanation. “Yet.”

“Yet! Ladies and gentlemen, she said yet.” Detox lifts her arm in a fist pump, one that freezes in the air when a voice behind her shouts out her name. “I gotta go, we’re filming again in a second, but if you don’t give me all the details this weekend, this friendship is over. That’s a lie, but you still gotta tell me everything because I need to hear it.”

Brooke rolls her eyes, but can’t resist the smile that’s beginning to grow on her face. “Will do.”

Brooke makes a mental note to search up Detox’s episode with Jake Gyllenhaal once it airs, if only for the chaos that the two of them are going to exude on screen. Brooke loves her, loves the fact that they’ve managed to stay friends despite the wildly different paths that their careers have taken.

Plus, she can’t help but be excited to talk about Vanessa again.

Brooke thinks back to the day before, where it felt right, and Vanessa said that she missed her too, and she realized that maybe, just maybe, Vanessa wanted something more, too.

Maybe Vanessa won’t cast her to the side this time.

Vanessa had sounded equally excited when they made plans to go out after work, to grab some food and just catch up and talk about the past eleven years that have gone by faster than either of them have been able to stop them. Vanessa had told her to dress up and Brooke’s already thinking about what dress to wear, racking through her closet in her head. It’s really not the best development because she needs to focus on the upcoming procedure that she’s doing after lunch, but it’s hard.

She gets a second chance with Vanessa.

Brooke takes her time getting ready, taking a long shower and exfoliating everything before doing her hair and makeup. It’s more than she does for work, her professional look left behind for a bolder lip, a darker eye, her hair in waves that cascade down her back. She knows it doesn’t matter - Vanessa’s seen her in scrubs, with bags under her eyes for days, with her unwashed hair in a bun for the third day in a row because she’s had long hours and been on call for extended stretches of time.

But the expression on Vanessa’s face when Brooke shows up at her condo, shamelessly looking her up and down with parted lips as if there’s nothing she’d rather do than pull her inside and ravish her? Absolutely worth it.

“Shit.”

“Wow.”

The word falls from Brooke’s lips the same time that Vanessa curses, because Brooke can’t drag her eyes away from her, either. Vanessa’s always hot to her - in her scrubs, in her lab coat, in the business casual look she had on during her first day, but the dress that she’s wearing hugs her curves in all the right places. When paired with the faux fur coat hanging off of her shoulder, it’s enough to make Brooke swallow hard.

Vanessa tosses her hair over her shoulder as she looks over Brooke appreciatively, and suddenly all Brooke can smell is coconut and jasmine and the intoxicating scent of a perfume that Vanessa doesn’t wear at the hospital. Brooke wants to breathe it in, have it linger on her jacket, on her clothes. A mark of Vanessa being there, that this, what they’re doing, isn’t some sort of dream crafted by the deep recesses of her subconscious.

Vanessa steps back once, twice, opening the door further to let Brooke inside. There are still boxes in the corner of the kitchen, unopened packages sitting beside her coffee table.

Vanessa shrugs when Brooke taps her fingers on a box labelled HOLIDAY DECORATIONS. “Haven’t gotten around to putting everything away just yet. Unpacking is so much damn effort.”

Brooke looks at the box underneath it, labelled SHIT FOR THE KITCHEN. “Haven’t you been here for what, three? Four months?”

“And spent most of those at the hospital, bitch, you know that. Feels like that’s my apartment rather than this place.” Vanessa spins slowly, looking around. “Not a home here just yet.”

“I can help you unpack, sometime, if you need it.” The offer slips out of Brooke’s mouth before she realizes, and she wants to clap a hand over her mouth but then Vanessa is looking at her with a tilted head, a smile in her eyes.

“Yeah? You ain’t just saying that ‘cause you’re standing in my apartment?”

“Nah, I mean it.” Brooke does, when she thinks about it. Maybe making Toronto a home for Vanessa again will mean that she’ll want to stick around, not leave.

Vanessa’s smile is uncharacteristically shy. “I’d like that. Thanks.”

“Anytime. You know that.” Vanessa doesn’t know that, Brooke knows, because up until now all that they’ve been is confusing and painful for each other, but-

Maybe this can be a new start. A new definition of what they are. They don’t have to be held back by everything that’s ever happened between them.

Maybe their new normal can be lapsing back into friendship, caring for each other, doing things together, enjoying each other’s company. Some great sex.

Brooke knows that she needs the latter, at least.

They can redefine what they are. Sure, maybe she’s getting a little ahead of herself, seeing as they haven’t even left Vanessa’s apartment yet, nor spent time together so far that hasn’t involved arguing or sex, but they can try it out tonight.

Brooke leads Vanessa to the parking lot outside of her building, towards a Lexus SUV that makes Vanessa let out a whistle.

“Fancy, schmancy. Look at you flaunting that surgeon money.” Vanessa eyes it appreciatively, running her hand along the side.

Brooke scoffs. “Don’t tell me you didn’t splurge on a car, either.”

“Guilty.” Vanessa raises her hands up. “Leasing me a fancy nice new BMW at the moment. Couldn’t help myself.”

Brooke feels powerful as they drive through the downtown streets, the lights of the city illuminating the inside of the car and casting Vanessa’s face in a soft glow. Brooke can’t help the way she keeps looking over at Vanessa, at the way her highlight shines, the purse of her lips. She’s beautiful.

Brooke also can’t help the way she lets one of her hands trail on Vanessa’s knee, dancing patterns up her thigh. The low noise that Vanessa lets out from the back of her throat makes Brooke smirk, only fuels her more.

“You tryna keep us from going to the restaurant, mama?” Vanessa grunts out when Brooke plays with the hem of her dress, the fabric soft in her hand.

Brooke pulls them into an underground parking lot, shutting off the car and leaning over the console between their seats to press a kiss to Vanessa’s neck, feeling the way she lets out a soft gasp. Brooke uses her thumb to wipe at the lipstick print that she’s left on her neck but part of her wants to keep it there, mark her territory. Show that she’s been there.

But she also has self control.

She pulls back, a smile playing on her lips when Vanessa lets out a breath. “There. Think you can sit through dinner?”

“You’re really something else, ain’t you?” Vanessa leans her head back against the seat, letting her eyes trail over Brooke’s face almost lazily, as if her chest isn’t rising and falling enough for Brooke to see how affected she is.

“You like it.”

“Fuck yeah, I do.” Vanessa’s mutter is soft under her breath, almost missed by Brooke but it’s just loud enough, out of breath enough to make her feel satisfied.

Off to a good start already.

[arthur-his-hat]

modern-day dad!arthur :

SFW

jesus he literally LOVES having his kids friends over for play dates

he likes being able to make his kids little snacks like pigs in a blanket and all that— but mostly he likes making them happy :-))

he has a two sons and a daughter. his youngest is one of the sons, he’s in elementary school and his best friend is ALWAYS over.

as arthur’s S/O, you’ll have to put up with his constantly panicking over whether or not he’s a good dad and lemme tell ya

he is

he never puts ANYTHING over his children. he’s always making sure they’re happy, healthy, and flurousing.

you and arthur don’t punish your kids for having bad grades, you punish them for not trying.

your oldest son has a little bit of trouble with his grades but it isn’t bc he doesn’t try rlly hard it’s just bc he’s one of those people that just doesn’t learn easily

arthur helps him with his homework whenever he needs help

your daughter is the oldest, she’s in high school and she’s actually valedictorian for her senior year !!!! a lot of that has to do with the fact that you and arthur encourage your kids to be happy :-))) so she works hard to live up to that

okay so arthur has a pickup truck we have ALL established that, so when the kids are at their friends houses or whatever you and arthur lay blankets down in the bed of the truck and watch the stars

arthur likes to hold your hand and talk about what it was like when he was growing up, how hard it was

he never imagined he would be as happy as he is. he always thought that he would end up in prison or on the street

you always hold his hand when y’all are out— you could be grocery shopping and just slip your hand into his

HE SMILES EVERY FUCKING TIME AH

arthur literally adores having family photos taken of you guys bc he loves to keep them around the house

that’s a normal thing to have pictures of your family in your house— but he just really likes seeing them

sometimes he has bad days and he just walks around the house to look at the pictures and it makes him happier

can’t really cook for shit but you help him

you guys are that couple that literally make dinner together

like you get everything out and divide up the work and sometimes you have to help arthur but that’s okay

eventually he gets really good at cooking and low key surpasses you which is okay lol bc it makes him happy

he can cook the hell out of some steak seriously this man has some barbecue skills that are unheard of

SPEAKING OF BABRECUES

he loves them

he lives in a neighborhood with john and abigale and jack and charles and they always have barbecues on the weekend

charles makes really good potato boats

and abigale makes really good homemade bread so she brings it :-)

john cant cook for shit so they don’t let him near the grill

the best part about arthur being a dad is probably him loving his kids unconditionally

his oldest daughter credits her valedictorian speach to arthur

he cries when she graduates

he cries when she goes to college

he CRIES WHEN SHE GRADUATES FROM MEDICAL SCHOOL SO HARD HES SO PROUD OF HER OMG

he’s proud of his oldest son too omg bc he becomes a drama STAR in high school like he gets all the male leads it makes arthur so happy

his youngest son comes out to you and arthur as gay when he gets into 7th grade and arthur is confused as to why his son was panicking over telling y’all bc he’s like “idgaf who you love as long as ur happy”

literally super open minded

not to turn this whole thing gay but his daughter is bi and married a woman in the future yay :-)

NSFT

lots and lots of quiet sex like seriously

y’all intentionally have the room furthest away from your kids rooms so you could still have sex when they’re home

don’t get me wrong i totally get sub!arthur and everything but arthur is mainly a dom on this blog sorry i’ll still write for sub!arthur if it’s requested

arthur likes to tie you up a lot fr

he grins a lot during sex it’s funny lol bc he’ll be on top of you giving you the fucking of your life and he’ll just be grinning the entire time thinking ab how lucky he is to have u

IT DOWSNT MATTER OF UR A BOY OR A GIRL OR NEITHER OR BOTH HES GONNA DI C K U DO W N

he likes getting oral almost as much as he likes giving tbh

his favorite position is cowgirl bc he likes to see your face but he always like to clearly see where you are connected mmhm he’s one of those

HATES quickies

on weekends in the morning he fucks you lazilly and in a spooning position bc he probably woke up hard spooning u anyway so yeah

really likes when u ride him

RLLY LIKES WHEN YOU BEG

a dark side of him likes when you cry because he’s edged you for so long

but the soft side of him doesn’t give a damn about cuffs, rope, choking, all those different positions

he just wants soft missionary sex where you tell him you love him and grip his arms for dear life

really wants to show you he loves you unconditionally

side note hIS KIDS CANT CALL HIM DADDY BC OT MAKES HIM CRINGE BC U CALL HIM DADDY AND HE KINDA L I K E S I T

so his kids call him pop or dad and papa or something like that bc he can’t do the whole “my kids call me daddy” thing

but yeah

scratch his back when he fucks u in missionary he mELTS

call his name against his ear he’ll shiver bc he loves it sm

will blow your back out as per request

seriously is an ass man don’t @ me

if u don’t have a big booty he doesn’t give a damn bc it’s still a booty

he still wants to grab it and he still wants to touch it and he still wants to slap it

LOVESLOVESLOVES doggy style

also doesn’t really care for the lingerie scene as much as he does the whole u wear his shirt and no panties/boxers to bed scene

[theravenclawlover]

Year 5 Newest Chapter

Okay, so y’all know (at least those who ate up to date) there’s a new chapter up. It was supposed to be us saying bye to dear old Bill but in reality it was Charlie just trying to get us to hurry up and help Bill. I swear, Rakepick did us all dirty and fucked us all.

So, Charlie here is being a good brother and trying to help his big Bro graduate with a real smile on his face instead of a deep frown. A sweetheart if I ever saw one.

So, MC being the ever clever witch/wizard comes up with the idea of bringing all the Weasleys to the Three Broomsticks for a surprise party!

I’m lowkey excited to see Mr. & Mrs. Weasley. I honestly love them both so much, and plus, pretty sure the whole gang is going to be there—meaning we get to see baby Ginny, Ron, and the Twins! Oh yeah, and Percy with scabbers.

Hehehehe we gonna hang out with Bill and then boom surprise! We all love you 💀

Hehehe sorry boo, but it’s your fam. And I mean, how hard could that be?

Then dear Charlie leaves, we get to see a real depressed Bill. It honestly breaks my heart to see him so sad. This woman really did a number on all of us but specially him cuz homeboy kinda had a crush and so much respect for her.

Now poor baby is angry before he gets to graduate. I just wanna give me him big hug and tell him he will be okay, he is going to be an amazing curse-breaker for Gringgots.

Brighter note, we can deadass just say we like Charlie better. I didn’t, though. I told him I was happy for him because he is going to go out and be a much better curse-breaker.

Ima deadass miss him so much, I’ll miss his presence even if it is just asking him about the dumbest thing MC can’t seem to figure out; his advice; his faces when he is getting annoyed. I’ll just miss his everything.

[graceelizabeth2]

Killer Queen Part Six

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five

So... It’s officially dead week at school which is basically just the week before finals. And I have a broken toe. Go me. So, I will be spending a lot of time on my computer. I have lots of ideas for this series but they might not get executed as soon as I would like but they will get up eventually. Y’all might just not hear from me for a week or two. I’ll try to update but there is no guarantee. Love ya. Thanks for indulging my ramble. Enjoy the update.  

@wint-er-voices @rain-must-fall @allieburakovsky @moveimbi

Turns out that I was right. The album did well enough that the band went on several small tours. They even put out a second album and they finally broke into America. I was graduating from Uni in just a few days. Rog had promised me that he would be there, but at this point, I was slightly skeptical. The boys were still on tour and the phone calls I got from the road were getting shorter and shorter. Eventually, I stopped picking up because I really didn’t want to hear him forgetting about me.

“Hello?”

“Amy, darling!” I sighed. Not that I wasn’t happy to hear from Freddie, it just sent a twinge to my heart.

“Hi, Fred. How’s America?” I ask, boosting myself up onto the counter so I could comfortably listen to him.

“It's amazing, dear. We’re selling out almost every night. I wish you could see the crowds, it seems they really love us.”

“Rog! Stop it,” I heard a woman’s voice yell out somewhere behind Freddie.

“That’s great Freddie. How is Deaky?” I play with the hem of my sweater, pulling at a loose thread.

“Ask him yourself. Deaky! Amy wants to talk to you,” and there was shuffling on the other end of the line.

“Hello there, Amy. How are you?” John’s soft voice came over the line.

“I’m good Deaky. How’s the tour for you?” I heard more laughter and tried (not successfully) not to wince.

“Tour is good. Everyone on the tour with us is really awesome. The groupies are always good fun,” he chuckles.

“Why Deaky! Have you been having fun with the groupies again?” He laughs and I can see him scrunching his nose and pouting.

“Maybe… If they’re going to be around us, they had better learn to play scrabble. ” He trails off. “Brian wants the phone. Miss you, see you soon Ames!” I laughed and repeated the sentiment to him before I heard Brian’s voice.

“Hello dear.”

“Hi, Bri.” This time I could distinctly hear Roger telling Freddie to fuck off. “How’s the road?”

“Well, right now we are in the middle of buttfuck nowhere for a bus stop but the shows have been good. Never gets old.”

“That’s good Bri. Um, how is, I mean-”

“He’s right here if you want to speak to him.” I swallowed hard and pulled the string that was hanging down off the hem of my sweater off.

“No, he sounds busy.”

“He isn’t busy Ames, he's just-”

“It was good to speak to you Bri. Give the boys my love.” I put the phone down in the receiver and wrapped my hands around my waist, trying to keep in the feeling.

________________________________________________________________

** AT THE SAME TIME**

I walked up to Brian and grabbed the phone. “My turn now, I believe.”

“Wait, Rog, she… she hung up.” I looked at him.

“What?”

“She hung up. She thought that you were too busy. You do know that her graduation is in three days right?” I nodded.

“I’m flying out tomorrow.”

“Good luck mate. You’re going to need it.” Brian put a hand on my shoulder and I just looked down at the phone in my hand.

The show that night was just awful. Freddie, Brian, and Deaky could tell that I was just off and they tried to help as much they could, cracking jokes and trying to get my rhythm back.

“That’s it for us darlings, we have to get our Roger to an airport. He’s got someone to get back to.” Freddie pulled me out from behind my drums, pushing me forward to the front of the stage. “His bird is graduating Uni in two days!” Brian chimed in and I sent him a small death glare. I could see the semi-disappointed looks of the girls in the crowd. I raised my hand in thanks and walked off stage. This was going to be interesting.

________________________________________________________________

Someone was knocking on my door rather incessantly. It was 8 in the bloody morning.

“Mary, you have keys, you don’t need to knock-” I opened the door and instead of Mary, another blonde stood in my doorway, holding a bunch of flowers.

“Miss me?”

“Rog,” I breathed and launched myself into his arms

“Hello, doll.” His strong arms wrapped around me, twirling me around before setting me down and giving me a bruising kiss. I tried not to cry but was rather unsuccessful. I turned and walked back into my apartment, trying to hide my tears from him.

“Petal, why are you crying?” He followed me, concern leaking into his voice. I sat on the kitchen counter, wiping my eyes with the sleeves of the shirt I had on. He came to stand between my legs, his hands gripping my knees.

“Why are you here, Rog?”

His face twisted and he spoke softly. “Because I promised you before I left for the tour that I would be at your graduation. It’s important to you and I want to support you. And because it was killing me on the road to not see you.”

“Roger-”

“No, listen to me, Amy. I could sell out shows for the rest of my life and do what I love all day, but if I’m not coming home to you then its all worth shit to me.”

“What if you forget about me one day?” I ask, trying not to let him see how sad the thought really made me.

“Not possible. I was miserable without you.”

“But when you called, the calls were always short.” I played with my fingers.

“That’s because I was always the first one to the phone and the other boys were hounding me. By the time I got to the hotel, you were either in class or at work so I couldn’t reach you. And what you heard on the phone the last time when Freddie called was everyone telling me to shut up about you.” A few more tears made their way down my cheeks. “The groupies are tired of you and they’ve never met you.” I laughed and cupped his face in my hands.

“While we’re on the topic of things that are uncomfortable, I have a question.” Roger’s eyebrows raised as if to say, ‘go on’. “Why me?”

“Why you? Well gee, there’s probably only a few thousand reasons.” I hit his chest playfully. “Why you? Because you are the only girl that didn’t just fall into my arms. You can put me in my place when I need it. You just seemed to know all the places that I needed you. In Freddie’s words, you’re my better half and I’m your bitter half.” I laughed and wrapped my arms around his neck. “There’s that smile that I’ve missed.” I leaned in to touch my forehead against his and just to soak in this moment of pure domesticity.

“I love you, Roger.”

“I love you too, Petal.” He smiles at me and presses a kiss to my lips.

“I’m so happy you’re home,” I say, pressing kisses down his neck.

“I’m happy to be home too, love.” We spent the rest of the day wrapped up in each other, not bothering to leave the apartment.

________________________________________________________________

“Amy Elise Miles, Bachelors of Science, Astrophysics.” The Vice Provost called my name and I stepped on stage, holding my head high. ‘Shake right and grab with left, turn and smile.’ I repeated in my head, trying to remember the instructions the professors had told me beforehand. “Good job, Amy.”

“Thank you, Sir.” Walking across that stage felt incredible, like every night I had spent slaving away on papers and differential equations had been worth it.

“Go Amy!” I could hear Roger yelling with my parents and I just shook my head, smiling. The Vice Provost continued to drone on and I just kept tapping my foot, waiting for the end.

“Graduates, please rise.” We all stood and set down our degrees. “Please move your tassels from right to left. Congratulations, graduates.” The president of the University smiled at all of us. In the flurry of activity afterward, I felt two arms wrap around my waist. I spun around and threw my arms around Roger’s neck.

“I’m so proud of you sweetheart. So proud.” He yells as he spins me around before setting me down, dipping me and pressing a bruising kiss to my lips.

[meditationsofanoblesponge]

A Lesson

Alright so I’m gonna fuck y’all up with some truth. 

There are many lessons in life you will learn the hard way. There’s no getting around it. But what you take from that lesson and how you choose to move forward is what matters.

As like... three of you know (those who actually read this shit blog), I went through a really rough patch last summer involving a friend so near and dear to me. Long story short, I was desperate for friendship to the point of self-sabotage. My therapist helped me understand that, finally, after 6 sessions with her (bless her).

When this friend, (whom I will refer to as Sam* for the sake of keeping things a bit more private) came into my life, I was incredibly lonely, lost, and depressed. She found me, literally and figuratively. Sam* got to know what makes me tick, what makes me sad, what makes me angry, what makes me smile. We did EVERYTHING together. She was (and still is) the most amazing person I have ever known. But the thing was/is, I started to get real codependent. 

CODEPENDENCYˌkōdəˈpendənsē/: noun excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.

You see, she had seen some shit throughout her life. She had dealt with emotional abuse, physical abuse, growing up on the shit side of the economy. I understood the emotional abuse and economical status. We had this mutual understanding of just how shitty the world could be. Now, this was a good thing at the time. But something sort of... snapped for me.

About one year into this incredible friendship, I began to get protective of Sam*. I hated her boyfriend at the time because he was so demanding of her time and energy. He belittled her and made her feel less than. I didn’t like how her stepmom treated her, and I wasn’t happy with her older sister making Sam* drop the world to fix her mistakes all the time. Sam* was too powerful, too independent of a person to be dealing with such matters, but she did it with grace and forgiveness. But my protective nature never ceased. 

My therapist asked me why I feel compelled to help people, even when it harms me in the end. I’ll be honest, I do it because, to me, others matter way more than me. I could give a shit less about myself or my well being. As long as those I love are happy and healthy, then I may be at peace. But the thing is, I never find peace when I do that. In fact, I spend more time worrying about other people’s lives without taking into consideration that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I’m not needed. Maybe me helping could simply come in the form of the generalized gestures we’re all used to. “If you need anything, call me.” Or “ Would you like me to help you?”

I would bend of over backwards and land in the splits for Sam* fully expecting praise and thank you’s. But instead, I would get backlash and frustration. It hurt me deeply, too. Most nights, I would spend hours racking my brain for ideas on how to make Sam’s* life easier. Gifts, coffees, long letters and money. Everything I had, every ounce of myself would go to Sam*. At first, she was very grateful. She knew my love language was giving. But after awhile, it wasn’t working. 

The last gift I attempted to give her were concert tickets to a music festival we had discussed wanting to go to. My thought on that one was that she wouldn’t have to worry about paying for it because money was tight. I had just graduated and used that money I earned to buy these tickets. On her graduation day, I sent her a message saying that I got the tickets for her as a gift, and I heard nothing back from her. That’s when I hit an incredible, iron wall of gutwrenching anxiety and depression. A thousand questions and cries blew out of my brain and I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know why she wouldn’t respond, or say thank you, fuck you, whatever. There’s nothing more agonizing than an important message going unanswered. 

Three weeks passed after my gift was given, and I had lost 15 pounds through stress alone. I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to eat, and I cried for hours on end. What hurt me the most had nothing to do with her lack of response about concert tickets, but her lack of response to me, period. Where had our friendship gone so wrong that not replying to your best friend was considered okay? What on earth had I done to deserve such treatment? What did I say?? What did I need to fucking do to fix this situation?

It has been a little less than a year since this happened. And since then, it has taken A LOT of therapy, binge drinking, and sobbing breakdowns and anxiety attacks to get through it. I have reflected on it so much that it’s almost like clockwork. I’ll be in the happiest of moods, then suddenly I want to grab my head and rip it off. You wanna know what I did wrong? The life lesson I had to learn the hard way? Giving your whole self to someone who didn’t ask for it is a perfect way to destroy something good. You may be overstepping boundaries, stomping on their pride, or not allowing that person to forge their own path to self-help. Don’t ever assume that by you “helping” someone, that they actually wanted the help. Being a “giver” isn’t a bad thing. My therapist calls it God’s gift to me. I’m not ashamed of my gift, either. No, my shame lies in the fact that I was so pushy and forceful in my giving nature that I ruined a friendship that I may never have again. I was so scared to lose someone I loved, that I got desperate and needy, and that isn’t very becoming.

The loss of a friendship that means so much to you is... well it’s fucking awful. I know I’m not alone when it comes to this fact of life. But goddamn I am so angry and upset with myself. I hate myself so much for taking such a good thing and blasting it to pieces. My therapist told me that I need to forgive myself, and that this situation was a two-way street. Not all of the guilt needs to rest in my hands because “she could have communicated with you better”. Yeah, I guess. But in the end, I fucked it all up. Gone are the days of late-night McDonald’s runs, sitting in parking lots talking about our fears and triumphs, and going to concerts in a drunken stupor.  Now, I have an awkward, stagnant friendship with someone I once loved so much that is only stabilized through tagging each other in Facebook Memories and silly music videos. 

Someday, I hope we do get coffee so that I can tell her all of this. I know she’ll listen, all in due time. But for now, I truck on and pretend that I am getting better. And I am really good at pretending.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 19 October 2017

It has been a month of very early mornings, but a light is at the end of the tunnel.  Maybe it’s a train, maybe it isn’t, but regardless I’ll be toasting it with a Bittermilk No. 1 Old Fashioned.  Because I’m classy like that!  AskDearDudence@gmail.com if you’d like a recommendation on the best alcohol options for day-drinking or Facebook’s Dear Dudence page if you’d like to tell me how much I such when compared to Emily Yoffe (swoon).  

My mom will be 91 next month, and until recently she has been in remarkably good mental and physical health. She lives alone by choice. About a month ago, she collapsed in the street, was taken to the hospital, and spent three weeks in ICU. Her doctors diagnosed her with dehydration. She is home now and has fallen twice, once spending the whole night on the floor. She has a Life Alert and will not wear it. She has a cellphone and will not carry it. (“Who would I call?”) She has a walker and cane and will use neither. She is signed up to get groceries delivered and will not use the service. We asked her to look at an assisted-living apartment, and she refused. We found a home health aide who could drop in a few times a week and she said no. We are at our wits’ end.

Dear Aging Parent, first off you have my deepest sympathies as you and your family tries to deal with this; it is incredibly difficult.  Second off, ignore Newdie on the calling your local Adult Protective Services.  They do not exist to do a wellness check or make sure she’s okay.  They’re there to protect the elderly from abuse, neglect, or exploitation.  When you’re needing to involve them you’ve progressed from the point where a mutual agreement can be reached, I’m not certain you’ve reached that point.  Maybe you and your brothers need to take a step back and respect your mother’s wish to remain in her home.  That doesn’t mean you give up on trying to get her to move to a suitable facility, but she’s clearly dug in for the time being and y’all pressing the issue isn’t going to make her change her mind.  Trying to force the issue is only going to make your mother’s remaining years filled with resentment.  Heck it might even get you and all your siblings in-fighting as you start choosing sides.  Ultimately, as long as she is competent to make her own choices, it’s her choice to make.  While she might not being living her life the way you want her to, how it might even be best for her, it is how she wants to live.  So let’s consider what else y’all can do.  She won’t wear a bracelet and won’t carry/use a phone, but you can set up an Amazon Echo to call you, your brothers, a police or fire non-emergency line (they can’t call 911).  See if she’s willing to have a couple Echo Dots put in the house so when she does fall and needs help she can try and have it call y’all.  Also, maybe look into some smart tags which can identify when a door or drawer is opened; put them on the fridge or kitchen cabinets.  That way you can see if she’s getting into the fridge or getting out utensils to eat.  Although I wouldn’t recommend a video camera in the living room because I think it’s a bit creepy that would also be an option.  What I would recommend though would be a motion sensor so if it goes too long without getting triggered you know to check-in and make sure nothing has happened.  Personally, I hope that your mother comes to agree with, at least, having the home-aide drop in.

Two months ago, I started a new position at a small company. This position was a reach for me in terms of experience, and I’m still getting familiar with what’s expected of me and what I need to do day to day. I recently had my first performance review. While there were many positives, there were also several things that I needed to improve, namely being more of a self-starter and “owning” my area of expertise. My superior was nothing but supportive and direct, but I couldn’t help but feel a little upset and embarrassed that I wasn’t doing as good a job as I thought I was.

Dear Dealing with Criticism at Work, if you have a supervisor who has provided you with some useful feedback during your initial performance review consider yourself lucky.  NuPru’s suggestion to not feel bad is all well and good, but a great way for you to avoid doing more “damage” is to take what your supervisor said and act on it.  Follow-up on your review and ask what you can do to become more of a self-starter or “own” your area of expertise.  For example “Hey boss, this is a project I’ve been interested in starting and I have these ideas for how to tackle it.  I think this course of action is the best, but I’d like your input.”  Owning your area really seems more about being confident in yourself and your expertise, which is something that experience really is the best teacher.  Above all though, try not to let yourself get too wrapped around the axle when getting feedback you think it negative.  In my personal opinion knowing what you’re doing wrong is significantly more useful and enlightening than being told you’re doing something right.

A few years ago, I took a job across the country where my large, wealthy extended family lives. I spoke to these people weekly and spent my summers during college in their guest rooms (at their invitation) so I considered us close. I fell for a housing scam trying to rent remotely and had nowhere to stay. Not one of my grandparents, aunts, uncle, or cousins would let me stay on their couch for even a few nights. I ended up getting arrested after sleeping in my car for a week, and was fired after missing work due to being in jail. My car was impounded, so I had to check into a homeless shelter. During this time, my family kind of ghosted me.  It took me years to recover, but I’m doing great now. When I stopped being homeless my family just appeared back in my life like nothing ever happened.

Dear Family Ghosted Me, I’m going to go with “no, but” on whether it’s okay to ghost them.  On the “no” two wrongs don’t make a right.  You don’t need to fake your way through the holidays and you don’t need to reach out to tell each and every one of them how much they suck.  Take a break from the family get togethers this year, tell those who ask why and how you felt, but you shouldn’t need to burn bridges to do this.  There is a happy medium between “Everything is awesome!” and “I fucking hate you assholes; DIAF”.  They weren’t there for you when you needed it, but they’d previously been very open and welcoming and, apparently, resumed that when you were no longer in crisis.  I don’t advise ending relationships lightly, and while your ghosting them isn’t de facto ending the relationship (you could always change you mind later) it’s an escalation and the sort of thing which can reasonably lead to the relationship getting seriously hurt.  Yes, it was a dick thing of them to do, or, well, not do, but sometimes you have to be the bigger person and let bygones be bygones; just don’t rely on them in such situations in the future.  Now for the “,but”.  Your letter is leaving out some pretty important information.  You’re unclear on how long your duration of homelessness was; you say it took you years to recover, but the excuses your family provided (We were working on a wedding!) aren’t the sort of thing which would take years.  Where was your immediate family in this; you don’t mention them so did they leave you hanging as well or did they offer some help?  If your family left your homeless and struggling for years and then reconnected with you once you were no longer living in a shelter then go ahead and cut them off; let them take the steps to mend the breach.

In 2011, my younger sister “Sarah” passed away. I am notorious in my family for being one to never show feelings, and my dad is the same way. My sister was 8 years old, and although she was sick with hypo-cardiomyopathy her entire life, her death was unexpected and hit my family hard, obviously. It has been six years and through some snooping in my other younger sister’s diary, I found out my dad routinely thinks about my sister and likes to imagine she is there with him when he is struggling at work.

Dear How Do I Talk to My Dad… let’s talk about you first.   I’m actually kind of surprised Newdie doesn’t recommend a therapist because helping a person deal with their grief is where a subject right in the ol’ “should I speak to a therapist?” wheelhouse.  As a college student your school probably has a number of readily available people you can speak with to deal with your grief.  Despite there being steps, grief is not something you go through, reach acceptance, and then never feel again.  It doesn’t really go away, it just hurts less, to a point where you don’t even notice it.  At least you don’t notice it until you do, and that can happen at those big moments in life.  You’ve moved through several significant milestones recently: high school, learning to drive, dating, graduation, now college.  The milestones which remind you that Sarah would be approaching them too had she not died.  And as happy as you may be to be growing up and moving through adulthood it’s there in the back of your mind that Sarah isn’t there for this this and never will be.  Now let’s talk about your father.  He wants to talk about Sarah.  He might not know how to, doesn’t know if you want to, or he might be worried about burdening his surviving children with his emotions and feelings over the child who died.  I would also like to ask you to consider that maybe your family aren’t having problems coping with your sister’s death.  Your grandparents are comfortable discussing her at an appropriate time, according to your sister your father uses her memory as a source of strength when he’s struggling, and your sister, somehow, is cognizant of your father’s actions; did they talk about Sarah?  Regardless of their coping though you need to focus on yours.  Avail yourself of your school’s resources and give your dad a call.

My ex and I dated for long enough to acquire a menagerie—two cats and a dog. Our split was mutual and amicable, but I am still very much in love with her, and she is aware of this. We agreed that I would keep one cat and the dog, and she would take the other cat. We split at a time when there were big questions about her visa (she is not a citizen and had to return to her country of origin while her paperwork was processed). I agreed to take care of her cat while she was out of the country.

Dear Possessive Pet Owners, your ex doesn’t want the cat.  She knew she had a cat and she moved into an apartment which wouldn’t allow a cat.  Is it an orange cat?  I’m asking for a friend.  At best she’s just hoping you’ll make the decision for her, at worst she’s using the cat as a lever to keep you in a state of emotional turmoil.  No matter which though she doesn’t want the cat.  Develop a course of action (rehome it, take it to the SPCA, arrange an exception to your apartment’s pet limit, put it onto a mining space ship where eventually its offspring evolve into a race of sentient bipedal felines, whatever), set a date where it will happen, tell her that if she doesn’t come get the cat by then you’re going to execute your course of action.  

I was wondering if you could direct me to a good book for the partners of adults who have suffered childhood abuse (both physical and emotional). My boyfriend grew up in an idyllic, loving, supportive middle-class family. When I look back, the first thought that comes to mind is “I endured.” He does not seem to understand the level of trauma I went through and is either unwilling or unable to accept it and how it has shaped me as a person. He is an avid reader. I think a book discussing this topic might help him understand what I have been through. Is there anything you would recommend?

Dear Book for Boyfriend, let’s go with A Child Called “It”.  “Go big or go home,” I always say.  I’m going to be a bit more charitable towards your boyfriend than BadPru.  It can be very difficult to process information like that.  He might have a hard time reconciling the abuse you said you’ve gone through with what he’d expect someone to be like.  I’m also a bit curious what you mean by “unable to accept”, like he refuses to believe it could be that bad, does he not think people could do that to their child, or does he think you’re making the whole thing up.  I’m also going to suggest that, as someone who endured an abusive childhood you might not recognize how your boyfriend’s loving, supportive family taught him to support his loved ones.  You two might just be on different levels when it comes to what you need emotionally and what he knows to provide.  You know your boyfriend better than I do so if you think a book will help, it only costs you like $8 on Prime.  Just be prepared to accept that it might be him and you’ll need to determine if it’s a deal-breaker or not.

[mylifethetvshow-blog]

The beginning.. or something like it

Hello friends I have not met yet, welcome to my blog! 

I honestly do not know how to begin something like this. I’ve never publicly put my life on display. I rarely post ‘updates’ or selfies on any form of social media (it kind of freaks me out when people know I saw a movie last night without me telling them .. I’m weird I know). So this is new for me. I’m going to work my hardest on keeping all of this CCCCrazy life in line with the future I want. 

[this is the disclosure first blog post blah blah blah.. but hey! You do need a little background if you’re going to be reading about my life. This post is just about where I currently am in life. Names will be changed to protect the people in my life (even if they don’t always protect me) and this post will have no names because it is the disclosure ... keep reading]

So what is the future I want?

Well you can’t really talk about the future until you talk about the past. This blog is going to be real. Real feelings. Real actions. Real thoughts. Real assholes in my life. A lot of what has been happening to me the past SEVERAL months has absolutely nothing to do with me - yet I cannot escape the cycle. Why? Family. You know, the people who are supposed to help you? What happens when they can’t help themselves? 

I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit. I have a lot of shit on my mind and I do go to therapy, but an hour once every month isn’t really going to help and I can’t really afford going every day SO compromise (which is what life is all about) and I made a blog. 

So what have I been dealing with? Well, I couldn't possibly sum this hot mess up in one blog post. Therefore, I will be creating lots of different kinds of materials for my blog. Some post will be “from the past” where I retell an event to document/compare. Others may range from random thoughts, pissed off about politics, what is currently happening, or anything that is pressing my mind really. To understand what I’ll be writing about - you should probably understand a little about me.

Let’s just flash forward to the present lol because right now, that’s all that matters to me. I currently work full time at an elementary school where I work with students from Kindergarten through 6th grade on different reading and math skills. I absolutely love my job. I work with the Kindergarten students the most and my relationship with them is awesome. We have a music and movement time activity every afternoon and today their activity was the PARACHUTE! I mean come on, can a teacher get any cooler than that? I want to document some of the adorable moments I share with these tiny humans. They mean so much to me and I’m sad we have a long weekend this weekend. Work is my happy place :) Actually, talking to my coworkers about the life I’ve been dealt lately gave me the idea for this blog. I like to think the next episode will be better than the current, and that’s what keeps me going. 

I also take graduate classes online, which I am working on my School Counseling degree. I just started this semester after having took a year and a half off after graduating the first time! I enjoy my classes, but I think it’s a little ridiculous the price for the actual training - I will have blog posts about this I’m sure! (With accurate facts and data to back it up) If you’re a college student (or have been recently), you will be able to relate to this. 

I like to go outside and argue politics until people think I’m a heathen (angry blog posts to come!!!!! #EducateTheMasses). I have an amazing boyfriend who I have been with a little over a year! We have our ups and downs like any couple, but the shit we have been dealing with lately has been insane. I like to call him my person. Right now I’m holding onto my person for dear life because everything else around me is falling apart. My boyfriend and I are extremely close, inseparable if you will. We experience everything together, he really is my other half. Right now we’re both hurting from the people who are supposed to love us the most in life. Our parents. I’m not going to get into too much detail, but I will tell you this is where the TV show comes into play. What our parents are doing is almost unbelievable. 

Now to some, our problems may seem very small and I recognize this. But - our problems are very real to us and it is a lot for some young 20-something-year-olds to handle. His parents recently got divorced - but the reasons are almost laughable, almost (maybe in time, lol). My parents - well my mom really, is diagnosed with a ‘bipolar disorder’. Ah, mental illness. Something many, not just many, thousands and hundreds of thousands of people deal with or are affected by a mental illness. So why don’t we talk about them more? A lot of my post will be about these subjects. 

But to give you a little background - my mom was diagnosed with a bipolar disorder when I was about 10 years old. The first experience I had dealing with her like that still haunts me. We were at a McDonalds... crazy.. Anyways, flash forward to now. She’s had one relapse (a couple years later) since and was admitted to a mental hospital for several days. I honestly don’t really remember the ‘second’ time it happened - I will explain why later in a different post. Recently, well since the very end of summer 2016, she ... erm.. changed medicine and ... how do I put this.. shit hit the wall. I haven’t had a mom since August is really how I have to look at it or it just hurts too much .. My dad is awesome, but he’s changed and they have been talking about a divorce for the past couple of months, too. 

I guess it’s just really overwhelming when I feel like I have a lot coming at me in every direction. I really do try to be a good person and I do good things. I have a good sense of humor and I know how to have fun (thanks to my boyfriend:). I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety since the middle of high school (I’ve been doctor diagnosed btw.. all y’all diagnosing yourself got me fucked up). I’ve tried to commit suicide seriously twice. I’ve cut myself, had eating disorders, taken pills to make the pain go away and have done some other seriously stupid things.. I’ve been hurt. Really hurt. The kind of hurt you experience when someone takes something from you that you’ll never get back. I’ve felt like the sun was never going to rise. It did, of course because that’s how life works. Just when you think you won’t be able to continue on - you do. You find a way to take the bad and make it good. You stop relying on everyone to be there for you or help you and you start relying on your level one’s. My level one’s have almost all abandoned me, except one. What do you do after you lose a parent who is still alive? Chaos. Utter. Freaking. Chaos. 

Unbelievable, I told myself I wasn’t going to get upset writing the first post and now I’m just sitting here contemplating life. How do you know what to bet, if you can’t see your hand? That’s how my life has been lately. The cards have been dealt to me and I’m forced to go all in without checking to make sure I’m okay first. Lately, i’ve been really drawn back and spending less and less time with my/my boyfriends parents. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of people in my family, like close people, since an uncle passed away April 2016 (owned the family business, AKA drama). My parents haven’t been there for me (like I need them to) since my mom changed meds, but I’ve sure as hell been there for them. I used to live with Dylan and his parents and I can hardly stand to talk about situations without getting so frustrated. I’m struggling, maybe even drowning, but I’m not upset. I don’t get upset, I’m fucking numb. I don’t think I can cry about this shit anymore, so I write.

xoxo

[artificialqueens]

How Wonderful Life Is (While You're in the World) Branjie - Joley

ao3 link

“I thought you’d be a little more excited by now,” A’keria observed. “You only graduate college once.”

Vanessa shrugged, setting the glue stick down. They’d been spending the day decorating their caps, but her heart just wasn’t in it. And that was because her heart was doing ballet in France. “I just miss her.”

“Come on, this was supposed to be a fun distraction,” Blair gently chimed in, resting her hand on her shoulder. “Brooke would want you to enjoy yourself, right?”

“Fuck, you make it sound like she’s dead,” she groaned and rest her head against the table. “How am I supposed to do this shit for another two months?” They were only two weeks into the ten-week engagement, and she already decided she couldn’t handle it.

A’keria pinched the bridge of her nose. “No, you just a drama queen. Aren’t you visiting her next month anyway? Bitching and moaning like you ain’t about to go to fucking France.”

Vanessa pushed herself up off the table, only to slump into her chair. “Y’all just don’t get it. We haven’t spent more than a few weeks apart in four years. I got separation anxiety!” Her cheeks flushed red, she was still embarrassed - she was self aware enough to know she was being childish and maybe a bit self-centered, but she couldn’t help herself; next to her mom, Brooke Lynn was the most important person in her life.

Blair nodded sympathetically. “Aw, honey, we understand. Why don’t we pick this up tomorrow? You should go give her a call before it gets too late over there. Go ahead, we’ll clean up here.”

A’keria arched her brow. “We will?”

“Yes,” she glared

Vanessa wasn’t paying attention to the bickering going on between her friends. Once Blair had given her the go-ahead to leave, she was gathering her things and heading right out the door. She glanced at her phone on the way out - it was about ten at night in Brooke’s side of the world, if she remembered correctly.

And lucky for her, Brooke Lynn was still awake and willing to Skype by the time she returned to their apartment.

“You’ve got glitter all over your face,” Brooke observed with a soft chuckle. “What sort of fun have you been getting up to over there?”

“None, I promise,” she retorted flatly. “We was decorating our caps but I just wasn’t feeling it. It’s kinda tacky at this point anyway,” she added, pulling dried glue off of her fingertips and flicking it away.

She pouted sympathetically. “Poor baby,” she cooed. “I think you should decorate it, though. It’s not like you to ever blend in.”

A slight smile twitched at the corners of her lips. “Yeah, maybe,” she shrugged. “How’s shit over there?”

“I mean, it’s hard to complain about this place,” she admitted with a soft laugh. “The only thing it’s missing is my beautiful girlfriend,” she cooed, batting her lashes.

Vanessa chuckled softly, looking down and pushing her hair off of her shoulders. “So, you ain’t gonna leave me for some fancy French bitch then?” She did her best to play it off as a lighthearted joke, but even after all this time, there was a nagging sense of doubt somewhere inside her that worried one day Brooke would wake up and realize she could do better.

Brooke scoffed and shook her head. “As if anyone in this entire continent could hold a candle to you. I’m offended at the mere suggestion, Vanj.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ve just been missing you.”

“I miss you too, but you’ll be here before you know it, and you’ll have a shiny new degree to be proud of.”

She looked back at her half-decorated cap on the dresser. “Still kinda hard to believe.” On paper, it had looked like all the odds had been stacked against Vanessa from the get-go. No one ever truly believed that she had the intelligence and determination to earn a college degree. Hell, when she had finished her first year, people around her had been surprised.

Except for Brooke.

“No it’s not,” she replied without a moment’s hesitation. “You busted your ass from the moment I met you, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that tries as hard as you. You, my dear, are a force to be reckoned with.”

“Guess it’s hard to argue now that you got proof,” Vanessa conceded, “I just wish you was gonna be here for it.”

Brooke sighed sadly. “I do too, baby. But I promise, Nina’s going to be there livestreaming the whole thing to me.”

It wasn’t the same, but there was no point in belaboring the issue - it wasn’t going to change anything and they both would only feel worse. “You right, I know. Imma let you get to bed, talk to you tomorrow.”

“Alright, love you,” she blew a kiss at the screen.

“Love you too,” she smiled fondly and ended the call.

However, when Brooke Lynn closed her laptop, she didn’t leave it sitting on her desk. Instead, she packed it into its case and put it in with her luggage. She flopped down on her bed for a moment, she’s not an actress and lying to Vanessa was harder than any course she’d taken during her master’s program, especially seeing the sadness in her expression - it was physically painful, but she knew it would pay off.

The alarm went off on her phone moments later and she made her way to the front of the apartment building to wait for a taxi. “L'aéroport, s'il vous plaît,” her diction had improved, but her French was still remedial.

But she got there just fine and landed in JFK around midnight. She took the train back into Manhattan, then took a cab to Nina’s apartment. “Thanks for waiting up for me,” she whispered as she slipped inside and carefully closed the door behind her.

“No problem, but you definitely owe me,” Nina chuckled and grabbed her a bottle of water. “Now, tell me again why you’re waiting until her party to show up?”

Brooke took a swig from the bottle and set it down on the table. “Because the graduation ceremony is going to be too busy. Besides, the party is going to be all about her, it’ll be the perfect moment for, you know…”

Nina nodded in understanding. “She’s going to be so excited to see you. I can already hear it; ‘Brooke Lynn! You’re here!’” She imitated Vanessa’s distinct way of speaking, getting her friend to laugh and hopefully alleviating the nerves she knew were still lingering.

——

Vanessa ran to her family, one hand clutching her diploma and the other holding her cap steady on her head. “Y’all seeing this shit? I’m a fuckin’ graduate!” She beamed brightly as her family surrounded her with affection and praise, the reality that she had actually survived college - something even she didn’t anticipate for herself.

“Come on sweetheart, it’s time to celebrate,” her mother cooed, leading her into the car so they could relocate to the venue.

They had reserved a private party room at one of Vanessa’s favorite restaurants. It had already been decorated with balloons and congratulatory banners as family and friends began filing in.

“Aw, you guys! This is so nice of y’all,” Vanessa beamed as she looked around the room.

“Actually,” Nina started, practically bouncing on the balls of her feet with a giddy expression. “We have a little surprise for you.” She glanced over her shoulder, her smile brightening even more.

The room was silent, aside from some confused murmuring, until the sound of heels clacking against the hardwood floor got louder and louder until Brooke Lynn was standing in the doorway.

Vanessa’s eyes went wide and began to well with tears. “Brooke Lynn!”

“Hi, baby,” Brooke had barely gotten the phrase out before Vanessa launched herself at her. She caught her in a tight embrace, picking her up and spinning her around.

“I can’t believe you’re here! What about your show?”

She shrugged as she set her down. “The understudy agreed to do a couple shows so I could surprise my girlfriend,” she kissed her sweetly and ruffled her hair. “It’s so good to see you.”

Even after she was set down, Vanessa was still hugging her tight. “I’m so happy you’re here, oh my god,” she tilted her head up to blink away tears.

Brooke stroked her fingers through her hair, humming softly. Then she took a step back, swallowing thickly. “I… um… I actually have one more surprise for you.”

“You’re not pregnant, are you?”

She laughed awkwardly and shook her head. “No, this is just… something I’ve wanted to do since… honestly, since our first Thanksgiving together. I’ve been ready but… I finally think we’re ready,” she haphazardly rifled through her purse, her legs trembled as she got down on one knee.

The Mateo family had already erupted in excitement, scrambling for their phones and enthusiastically chattering in Spanish. Vanessa was the only quiet one, biting down on her knuckles as she was already starting to cry.

“Vanessa–”

“Yes!”

“Let me finish!” Brooke giggled softly, then collected herself as quickly as she could, opening the box up. “Vanessa, I’ve loved you from the moment I met you, regardless of how stubborn I was about it in the beginning. But over these past four years, my love for you has only grown exponentially. And that’s why I want to ask you… will you marry me?” There was a beat of silence. “You can answer now.”

“Yes!” It was somewhere between a scream and a sob, Vanessa hardly knew what to do with herself, so she just threw her arms around Brooke and cried into the crook of her neck until she had pulled herself together enough to slide the ring onto her finger. “Damn, look at this rock!” She exclaimed to distract herself and everyone else from how much of a mess she was.

“This bitch really got a diploma and a wife on the same day,” A’keria remarked to Blair with a laugh. “But I’ll be damned if there ain’t anyone that deserves it more.”

As the newly-engaged couple embraced, the energy that surrounded them made it clear that everyone shared those sentiments. Brooke Lynn and Vanessa had been through a lot since the day they met in Katya’s dance class, but it was all worth it to lead up to this moment.