#parentssucksometimes

[mylifethetvshow-blog]

The beginning.. or something like it

Hello friends I have not met yet, welcome to my blog! 

I honestly do not know how to begin something like this. I’ve never publicly put my life on display. I rarely post ‘updates’ or selfies on any form of social media (it kind of freaks me out when people know I saw a movie last night without me telling them .. I’m weird I know). So this is new for me. I’m going to work my hardest on keeping all of this CCCCrazy life in line with the future I want. 

[this is the disclosure first blog post blah blah blah.. but hey! You do need a little background if you’re going to be reading about my life. This post is just about where I currently am in life. Names will be changed to protect the people in my life (even if they don’t always protect me) and this post will have no names because it is the disclosure ... keep reading]

So what is the future I want?

Well you can’t really talk about the future until you talk about the past. This blog is going to be real. Real feelings. Real actions. Real thoughts. Real assholes in my life. A lot of what has been happening to me the past SEVERAL months has absolutely nothing to do with me - yet I cannot escape the cycle. Why? Family. You know, the people who are supposed to help you? What happens when they can’t help themselves? 

I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit. I have a lot of shit on my mind and I do go to therapy, but an hour once every month isn’t really going to help and I can’t really afford going every day SO compromise (which is what life is all about) and I made a blog. 

So what have I been dealing with? Well, I couldn't possibly sum this hot mess up in one blog post. Therefore, I will be creating lots of different kinds of materials for my blog. Some post will be “from the past” where I retell an event to document/compare. Others may range from random thoughts, pissed off about politics, what is currently happening, or anything that is pressing my mind really. To understand what I’ll be writing about - you should probably understand a little about me.

Let’s just flash forward to the present lol because right now, that’s all that matters to me. I currently work full time at an elementary school where I work with students from Kindergarten through 6th grade on different reading and math skills. I absolutely love my job. I work with the Kindergarten students the most and my relationship with them is awesome. We have a music and movement time activity every afternoon and today their activity was the PARACHUTE! I mean come on, can a teacher get any cooler than that? I want to document some of the adorable moments I share with these tiny humans. They mean so much to me and I’m sad we have a long weekend this weekend. Work is my happy place :) Actually, talking to my coworkers about the life I’ve been dealt lately gave me the idea for this blog. I like to think the next episode will be better than the current, and that’s what keeps me going. 

I also take graduate classes online, which I am working on my School Counseling degree. I just started this semester after having took a year and a half off after graduating the first time! I enjoy my classes, but I think it’s a little ridiculous the price for the actual training - I will have blog posts about this I’m sure! (With accurate facts and data to back it up) If you’re a college student (or have been recently), you will be able to relate to this. 

I like to go outside and argue politics until people think I’m a heathen (angry blog posts to come!!!!! #EducateTheMasses). I have an amazing boyfriend who I have been with a little over a year! We have our ups and downs like any couple, but the shit we have been dealing with lately has been insane. I like to call him my person. Right now I’m holding onto my person for dear life because everything else around me is falling apart. My boyfriend and I are extremely close, inseparable if you will. We experience everything together, he really is my other half. Right now we’re both hurting from the people who are supposed to love us the most in life. Our parents. I’m not going to get into too much detail, but I will tell you this is where the TV show comes into play. What our parents are doing is almost unbelievable. 

Now to some, our problems may seem very small and I recognize this. But - our problems are very real to us and it is a lot for some young 20-something-year-olds to handle. His parents recently got divorced - but the reasons are almost laughable, almost (maybe in time, lol). My parents - well my mom really, is diagnosed with a ‘bipolar disorder’. Ah, mental illness. Something many, not just many, thousands and hundreds of thousands of people deal with or are affected by a mental illness. So why don’t we talk about them more? A lot of my post will be about these subjects. 

But to give you a little background - my mom was diagnosed with a bipolar disorder when I was about 10 years old. The first experience I had dealing with her like that still haunts me. We were at a McDonalds... crazy.. Anyways, flash forward to now. She’s had one relapse (a couple years later) since and was admitted to a mental hospital for several days. I honestly don’t really remember the ‘second’ time it happened - I will explain why later in a different post. Recently, well since the very end of summer 2016, she ... erm.. changed medicine and ... how do I put this.. shit hit the wall. I haven’t had a mom since August is really how I have to look at it or it just hurts too much .. My dad is awesome, but he’s changed and they have been talking about a divorce for the past couple of months, too. 

I guess it’s just really overwhelming when I feel like I have a lot coming at me in every direction. I really do try to be a good person and I do good things. I have a good sense of humor and I know how to have fun (thanks to my boyfriend:). I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety since the middle of high school (I’ve been doctor diagnosed btw.. all y’all diagnosing yourself got me fucked up). I’ve tried to commit suicide seriously twice. I’ve cut myself, had eating disorders, taken pills to make the pain go away and have done some other seriously stupid things.. I’ve been hurt. Really hurt. The kind of hurt you experience when someone takes something from you that you’ll never get back. I’ve felt like the sun was never going to rise. It did, of course because that’s how life works. Just when you think you won’t be able to continue on - you do. You find a way to take the bad and make it good. You stop relying on everyone to be there for you or help you and you start relying on your level one’s. My level one’s have almost all abandoned me, except one. What do you do after you lose a parent who is still alive? Chaos. Utter. Freaking. Chaos. 

Unbelievable, I told myself I wasn’t going to get upset writing the first post and now I’m just sitting here contemplating life. How do you know what to bet, if you can’t see your hand? That’s how my life has been lately. The cards have been dealt to me and I’m forced to go all in without checking to make sure I’m okay first. Lately, i’ve been really drawn back and spending less and less time with my/my boyfriends parents. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of people in my family, like close people, since an uncle passed away April 2016 (owned the family business, AKA drama). My parents haven’t been there for me (like I need them to) since my mom changed meds, but I’ve sure as hell been there for them. I used to live with Dylan and his parents and I can hardly stand to talk about situations without getting so frustrated. I’m struggling, maybe even drowning, but I’m not upset. I don’t get upset, I’m fucking numb. I don’t think I can cry about this shit anymore, so I write.

xoxo

[coolgirlwholovescats]

tfw when ur mom needs to own a rocket ship to complete her aspiration but there's not enough room in your aparatment so she moves your family to an empty lot at 5 AM to buy, place, and immediately sell it #relatable #parentssucksometimes

[4everswaggie]

DONE

im done with you,

and everything you put me through.

you make me cry

and feel like i'm going to die.

basically what i'm saying right now

is ; just take a bow

for ruining my life.