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nonwal · 1 year ago

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each half blind without a mirror

(AKA, the time travel shadowgast fic that I'm not going to finish writing. So here's the beginning and the plot outline. Be warned, it’s not technically an unhappy ending but it’s certainly bittersweet, with a lot of alternate timeline MCD.)

Bren Aldric Ermendrud does not like Vergesson Sanatorium because deep down, he knows that he belongs there. He's been a little mad for a long time, but he's never told anyone about it. It has yet to interfere with work, and that is what matters. If his dreams are filled with smoke and blood and vague prophecies in his own voice, that is his own business. If he is occasionally convinced that he is being watched--well, who is to say that he isn't? Trent has eyes everywhere. But it does mean that he answers the summons to the sanatorium with more trepidation than strictly necessary.

"Sorry," Astrid says when he arrives just outside the gate. "I didn't know how to explain the situation over Sending." "It's fine," he says mildly. "You can apologize by explaining now." She hesitates. "I don't know how to explain now. We captured Thelyss. He tried to kill Master Ikithon. And as far as we can tell, he's gone mad." That is…a lot to take in. Bren quashes something that might be hope or might be simmering fury. "You need me to verify that it's him," he guesses after a moment. "He was your contact, and our master is very interested in learning why he is here and not in a grave in Ghor Dranas," she says dryly. "Ah." Bren connects the dots now, recognizes what she isn't saying. Essek Thelyss had been Bren's charge, at least until he’d been executed after his plans to steal the beacons were revealed by an unknown party. It was an inconvenience that Bren has…already paid dearly for. But if he’s faked his death, if he has made an attempt on Ikithon’s life--that reeks of a conspiracy. Bren is in danger. But isn't he always? "You said that he's mad?" he asks as Astrid guides him inside. "We thought he was faking it at first. But even under a Zone of Truth, he speaks contradictory nonsense." "Such as?" "He is convinced that Vess died due to a disagreement with a cultist over a city made out of meat, that I am the Archmage of Civil Influence, that he is friends with a cleric whose powers come from a talking weasel, that he successfully stole the beacons but they were given back, that he was born in 715 PD and he is one hundred thirty-seven years old--" "He doesn't know what year it is?" "He's aware that it's 832. He insists his math is right anyhow. We've already tried removing any curses he may be under, healing, a Greater Restoration--anything we can think of. He isn't a shapeshifter, he isn't under any magical effects. He claims that it was him who got executed, and the execution did kill him, but also that he's never died before." She lets out a frustrated breath. "He also insists that he is perfectly sane, but what madman doesn't?" "Interesting," says the madman walking next to her. "Do you have any theories?" She sighs. "I was hoping that you would," Astrid admits. “He’s your responsibility.” "I watched him die. I verified that it was him. This could be a clone? Or some other attempt at transferring his consciousness." "Did he mention dabbling in necromancy?" "That really isn't the sort of thing he would have admitted to me." Their conversations were always more…complicated.

(and then the outline below)

Bren gets summoned because the Assembly has caught Essek Thelyss during an assassination attempt on Trent. The same Essek who definitely got caught and executed by the Dynasty before he could steal the beacons. The same Essek that Bren had been working very closely with

Bren talks to the captured drow. It is Essek. It is not the Essek that he knew

he eventually determines that this Essek is a time traveler who has been stuck in the past and has subsequently altered this timeline, and that this Essek knew him in the future timeline

he asks Essek if the future Bren came with him to the past. Essek admits that yes, the original spell was supposed to bring them both back to the past for a short period of time and then back to the present, but for some reason Essek got left behind and the timeline didn’t loop smoothly the way they had intended

he asks Essek if the future Bren came with him to save his parents. Essek asks how he knew that

Bren knew that because for the past seventeen years, he has been working under the assumption that he was delusional. When he killed his parents, he wandered behind the house for a minute and “hallucinated” seeing them escape through an unblocked window and disappear with a stranger, and thus he never broke

Essek is relieved to know why timeline didn’t loop correctly. I think I know why you got left behind, too, but you won’t like it, Bren adds

Essek demands to know anyway. Bren refuses to tell him until he explains what happened to his Essek. Essek explains that in the timeline he’s from, the theft of the beacons led to a war. He tried to convince his current self not to steal them, and failed—so he planted the right evidence to prevent the plot a different way, leading to his own death

“I’m not surprised that you couldn’t convince him. You are very different.” “In a good way.” “No, not in a good way. I think I loved him. I do not think I would love you.” “…I’m sorry.” “No, don’t be. I assume you loved that other version of me, ja? I killed him, too. So we’re even. Fair play.”

it turns out this Essek was not left behind. The spell failed because after Essek teleported his parents to safety, Bren saw Caleb inside the house, panicked, and killed him. The spell failed because one of the people who cast it died

Essek is. A little despondent over this, understandably. He isn’t stuck in a shitty AU past where everything is going wrong, futilely hoping that Caleb will come back again and rescue him—he’s stuck in the only remaining timeline, and Caleb no longer exists at all

Essek proposes a pact: in his timeline, he helped defeat Trent Ikithon. If Bren frees him, he can help do the same in this one

Bren agrees. They flee together, and go into hiding, begin plotting for the years ahead. They are both mourning a version of the other that no longer exists. They have both murdered each other’s lover. They are both wearing the face of each other’s lover. It is not easy company

Essek knows how to track down most of the Nein, still a year before they all meet. He doesn’t know exactly how Bren could play the part of Caleb—but Caleb did leave behind letters

Bren goes to visit his parents. It’s weird. He’s missed them, and an insane part of him has never really believed that they were gone—but they have the letters from a version of him that never came to be. Much like Essek, they were hoping he would be someone else. (They try to be happy for him regardless. But he can tell they thought he would be a better man.)

the Mighty Nein still meet in roughly the same fashion, except Veth and “Caleb” just…have a strange tension between them. Things start to deviate at Alfield. The ruse gets harder to maintain. Beau is paranoid that someone is following them, watching at a distance. In Zadash, Bren manages to keep his mouth shut during the Zone of Truth but has a panic attack prior to the Victory Pit and has to tap out because he knows that Trent would be watching

the beacons were never stolen, though. So there is no broken tower, no declaration of war, no push to get out of town as quickly as possible. Bren convinces the group to head north, but—they get as far as Bowlgate, and things properly escape his control. Essek has to intervene. They explain the ruse, the time travel

people are, to put it lightly, kind of fucking pissed

they do still go to Hupperdook, now with Essek. It’s a little bit tenser than the original timeline, between the Nein being extra wary of Bren and Essek, and Bren and Essek still being wary of each other

no one gets kidnapped. Molly doesn’t die. They take out the Iron Shepherds and recruit Caduceus. And then it’s…boat time? Caleb didn’t leave great notes about that and Essek doesn’t exactly know what went down, but they do end up becoming pirates

they get the Happy Fun Ball and the Mighty Nein have to restrain Essek from immediately returning to explore it. He tries to explain that the key to taking out Ikithon was found there, but Bren would rather bide his time than risk the Archmage’s Bane with a less-seasoned adventuring group, and takes the Nein’s side. They finally begin to bond with him after the incident. Essek tries (fails) not to be jealous

they discuss next steps as they sail back to Nicodranas. There is no war, no stolen beacons, no burned Felderwin and kidnapped husband to bring them over to Xhorhas. They decide to still tackle the Angel of Irons cult, this time keeping Yasha safe

they arrive at Nicodranas. To news of a war and a burned Felderwin.

Essek holds it together for long enough to verify that Veth’s entire family made it out okay (having never begun working for the Assembly) and then he fucking falls apart. The Nein have never really bonded with the weird time traveler who keeps trying to manipulate them into following a specific path, simultaneously following his own agenda and wishing they were future versions of themselves—but they try to comfort him as best they can

Later, when everyone else has gone to bed, he says to Bren, “It was all for nothing. I didn’t stop it.” “The way I see it, this means the war—the one you remember—wasn’t your fault. It would have happened without you. Silver lining?” Essek is quiet, a very unconvinced sort of quiet. Finally, he says, “I got myself killed. For this. And it wasn’t enough. He died for nothing—I was him, once upon a time, I was almost exactly him except that I never knew you—“ This is the first time that Essek has ever expressed proper regret for killing the Essek that Bren has always privately thought of as his. Softly, he says, “You didn’t know. It’s okay.” “I killed him for nothing. It is not okay.” “Ja, well, sometimes you kill your mirror self and you entire life goes to shit. I wish I hadn’t killed your Caleb, either, but it’s a little too late for that.”

they reach a new understanding of each other after that. Not exactly romantically—they have sex, a few weeks later, and both agree that it doesn’t feel the same—but at least they become tentative friends with occasional and probably inadvisable benefits

the war did not happen over stolen beacons, and there is no beacon to return in order to end it. They stay far away from the Dynasty, struggle their way through the Happy Fun Ball with Yasha’s help, manage to kill the heart first and take down Obann when the ritual to free the Laughing Hand fails as a result

there is no peace treaty. There is no way to end the war. They go out of order and tackle the hag next, turn Nott back to Veth. They get the residuum for the Blooming Grove, Fjord becomes a paladin, Travelercon is still a clusterfuck

the war gets worse. They discuss the possibility of stealing the Pride’s Call beacon as leverage, and head back to Zadash to begin investigating—and then Yasha disappears

the first thought is more Angel of Irons shit, but when they scry on her they see her traveling with Cree. Turns out Lucien didn’t need Molly to be dead to come back

there’s a race to the north, trying to stop them, trying to unpossess Yasha. They don’t read the book, don’t get any eyes—but this is so far off the original timeline that Essek doesn’t know what to expect. They go through Aeor, they take down the Tombtakers, they reach Cognouza, they fight Lucien-as-Yasha…

but unlike Molly’s body, Yasha doesn’t die

things go bad. Very bad. Molly goes down first, and then Caduceus when he tries to reach the body. Then Veth, then Fjord. When Jester goes down, with Bren on his last legs, Essek manages to get within range for a plane shift—but Beau refuses to leave Yasha behind

Essek Thelyss and Bren Aldric Ermendrud return to the Material Plane and prepare for the end. But nothing happens, no hungry flesh city arrives to wreak havoc. The war is getting worse, far bloodier than the one Essek remembered—but nothing beyond that

eventually, they return to Aeor, find their way back to Cognouza and the remains of their friends. Turns out, after Lucien killed Beau, there was nothing left to keep Yasha standing. Very tidy, how that one played out

They return to Aeor. The ice is preferable to flesh. Bren asks, “Did any of it go like this, in yours?” He already knows the answer, but he wants to hear it again, just in case Essek has a different one this time. “No.” Essek sits on the ground, not bothering to float. “If we could raise one of the clerics, maybe—“ “Caleb was a transmuter.” Ah. And Bren is not. “We could find a powerful cleric—“ “With the war the way it is?” Essek’s voice is brittle. On the verge of tears or on the verge of an angry outburst, he can’t tell. “And the chances of getting everyone back—“ His voice breaks. Tears, then. “My apologies. It seems the plan to kill Ikithon has fallen through.” This is such a stupid apology that Bren has to laugh at it. “Do you really think this is still about killing him, for me?” A quiet sigh. “I’m sorry, Bren.” “Ja. Well. It could be worse?” Essek glares up at him. “How, exactly?” Bren doesn’t actually know. “We’re both still alive? And Veth’s family is safe, and Jester’s. And mine.” Even if he is a stranger to them, and a bit of a disappointment compared to who he could have been— Bren wonders if it was worth the trade. The war, the Mighty Nein, the miserable elf curled up on the ground. He sighs. “No. You’re right. This is—yours was better.” And, “The chamber that we stumbled across. That was how you two…?” “Yes. But your—“ “Maybe we should go back one last time. Tell our better selves to leave things as they were. Untie the knot you made trying to form a clean loop.”

they do go back, just a few moments before Caleb and Essek arrive. Essek immediately launches himself into a hug around Caleb, explains that he got left in the past because Caleb died—and already, the other Essek is convinced

Caleb asks Bren if he was happy. If his parents were still alive. Yes to the latter, not really to the former. They read your letters, you know. They were so proud of you. But—a little less proud of me. I didn’t—it’s a long story. I never broke. My name is Bren.

Caleb asks if they’re here to stop him. If he should let it be. They say yes, and also Essek had to kill his past self to stop the beacons from being stolen but eventually there was a war for other reasons and because the Nein didn’t have any beacon there was no political leverage to stop it and it’s still getting worse and now every member of the Nein is dead—

look I just think there should be a lot of wizards hugging their traumatized alternate universe selves here

eventually Bren—seventeen years old, about to make the worst decision of his entire life—arrives in the distance. The older Bren asks if they should stay close or not. He’s only seen it as an illusion. Caleb tells him that he doesn’t need to watch the real thing. The pain won’t fix anything

they move into the woods, so far away that they can’t hear anything. Eventually there is a faint light at the distant horizon from the blaze, but nothing more. Bren and Essek—the Essek who got left behind—begin to fade into a pair of dark voids. Echoes. Just alternate timelines, shadows of something that never happened

Caleb and Essek return, a little haunted by the versions of themselves that they could have been. They go destroy the T-dock. It takes them years to tell the Mighty Nein what happened

for the rest of their lives, whenever they cast Resonant Echo, the echoes are always the same ones

#shadowgast #Essek Thelyss #Bren Aldric Ermendrud #critical role #critical role fanfiction #(kind of)#I had a couple attempts at a scourger AU before a body in absentia but none of them went anywhere #wrote the beginning of this one a year ago and realized I didn't have a plot #but one came to me recently so I figured I'd share it even though I'm not going to do anything more with this concept

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considerablecolors · 10 months ago

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Me: ok ok so basically it all started when i was listening to Cool As I Think I Am yeah? and im like omg Peter Spankoffski is literally everything and more that Jeremy Heere from Be More Chill tried and failed to be

Them:

Me: like Cool As I Think I Am? that's LEGIT literally just the Chad version of Loser Geek Whatever

Them:

Me: AND THEN. I'M LIKE WAIT. NONONO. ALL THE CHARACTERS LINE UP BRO. like you have the sidekick that the fandom immediately adopts as their favorite little queer icon that makes constant references and has one of the saddest scenes in the show and deserves better? MICHAEL AND RICHIE

Them:

Me: a really quirky out-there girl that loves musical theatre? CHRISTINE AND RUTH BRO

Them: i-

Me: AND AND AND. A BULLY THAT'S LIKE OBJECTIVELY A BAD PERSON THAT THE FANDOM CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE BECAUSE HE SHOWS ROOM FOR KINDNESS YEAH??? RICH AND MAX MY DUDE

Them: uh-

Me: AND FINALLY IT CLICKS. NAH MAN. IT'S NOT JUST THE CHARACTERS. IT'S THE PLOT TOO.

Me: nerd guy and his friend(s) getting bullied and used to it, when he decides he's going to finally change the status quo because there's a girl he likes. then the bully intervenes and changes the status quo FR FR. it's all your standard high school drama and THEN a supernatural force intervenes and turns shit dark!!

Them: well-

Me: LIKE LIKE there's a party thrown where everything horribly goes wrong!! everyone starts being nicer to the nerd and you think it'll be fine but then nerd guys friend's start getting hurt and suddenly the entire school/world is at risk, PLUS the dream girl is at risk, so nerd guy is like SHIT gotta fix things

Them: i mean-

Me: THEN THE SHOW HAS A SUPER HAPPY UPLIFTING CHEESY ENDING WHERE EVERYTHING IS FINE BUT THEN. LAST MINUTE. THE SUPERNATURAL ELEMENT GETS TEASED AGAIN AND YOU'RE LIKE *GASP* IT'S NOT GONE IT'S STILL A THREAT WAIT I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT BUT THEN YOU DON'T GET TO KNOW

Them: so um-

Me: LIKE IT ALL LINES UP. THE MIX OF CLASSIC SHOWTUNES SOUNDTRACK WITH A POP/ROCK TWIST. THE SLIGHTLY OUTDATED TEEN LINGO. THE UNDENIABLE HORNIEST OF MOST OF THE CHARACTERS. NERDY PRUDES MUST DIE IS LITERALLY JUST THE BETTER VERSION OF BE MORE CHILL!!

Them: were you-

Me: BUT THEATRE KIDS AREN'T READY TO HAVE THAT FUCKING CONVERSATION YET SO I JUST HAVE TO SIT HERE, KNOWING I'M RIGHT, SWINGING MY BAT AT THIS HORNET'S NEST, TRYING TO SPREAD THE GOOD WORD, BUT THEY HATE ME FOR SPEAKING THE FUCKING TRUTH

Them: ...

Me:

Them: ...

Me:

Me: OH MY GOD. OMG. I'M SO SORRY I'VE LEGIT JUST BEEN RAMBLING HAVEN'T I

Them: ...

Me: ughhh that's so embarrassing lolol okok so anyways

Me: i'll get to the point lol sorry

Me: ok so um basically i was interested in commissioning you to make like- basically think of it as like an episode of Nightmare Time but it's like Pete x Michael ok?

Nick Lang: um.

Matt Lang: that's not really how this...

Nick Lang: yeah, we don't really do that

Me: oh :( cause you guys are homophobic?

Matt Lang: OKAY-

#this is the cringiest my Tumblr will ever get BUT LET'S GET JUST A LITTLE BIT CRINGIER #i think the curt mega cop and the shakespeare theatre teacher should fuck OK ANYWAYS #cc speaks #hatchetfield #nerdy prudes must die #starkid #ill tag bmc a bit later i don't want this at the top of that tags recents LMAO #you know how we talk about shower thoughts WELL THIS QUIET LITERALLY CAME TO ME WHILE LISTENING TO NPMD IN THE SHOWER #AND I WAS SO INVESTED IN MY REALIZATION THAT I COMPLETELY MISSED BULLY THE BULLY AND THOUGHT MY PHONE SKIPPED THE SONG FOR SOME REASON #BUT NO #I JUST GOT SO CAUGHT UP THAT I DISSOCIATED FOR THAT ENTIRE SONG BRO #anyways #it's 5am im going to bed

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