#calling this a joke feels like spitting on comedy

[candle-thew]

My cats reaction to learning I have non-cat related responsibilities

[angelagiarratana]

You Make It Easy

This is really similar to a blurb I saw last night but I wrote this early yesterday so….

The day you and Ang decided to tell the cast and crew at Smosh, you knew she was going to sneak it into every shoot. Really just to fuck with you. She knew if she played her cards right she could win any game, get you to laugh, blush, forget what you were saying, and you saw it in her eyes. It became a thing. People at work knew it was happening.

"You guys really waited for me, and then just took me out!" Angela waved her cast around for emphasis, the whole table laughing at how fast she lost UNO. "AG at least, we waited?" You and Courtney both puppy dog eyes at her, Arasha staring at Angela, waiting for her next move. Keith was already on it, "This is the part where Angela flirts with Y/n, she blushes, and everyone laughs at Angela's joke." Keith deadpanning at the camera. Angela was offended at Kieth exposing her newest bit like that. She went from feral guinea pig to cool as hell when she started flirting with you on camera. "Hey now!" Courtney slapped the table, "It's cute! Okay? Y/n absolutely melts and Angela gets that dopey look in her eyes!" Everyone laughed and moved on. What no one saw was Angela asking Keith if she should stop or tone it down for the sake of everyone. Keith hugged her, "Angela if I had an issue with your comedy I would come to you about." High fived her good hand and winked at her.

This time, it wasn't so sweet, it was alright hilarious. Angela was sitting on a stool along with Courtney, Ian, Chanse, and Amanda. You were waiting for your turn trying to think of literally anything, "Y/n! You're up!" Kiana called from behind the cameras. "Fuck it." You grabbed the first prop you could and walked out. You looked down at your hand to find Angela's phone, why was it on the prop rack? Great question! Your eyes went wide and you knew exactly what to do. You opened the camera and squatted awkwardly, filming them on the stools, "Wait could you do that again? It was really funny! I wanna put it on my Instagram story!" You moved closer to her, almost in her face. Courtney spitting. Angela held it in by avoiding eye contact but the second your eyes met, she lost it. Water flying directly onto your shirt, pants, hair, and her phone, "AG! You fucking spit on me!"

There was a beat, you swear you heard The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly playing. You saw the gears turn in her head, she made direct eye contact and said, "You act like it's the first time." Dead serious, straight face, and just stares at you as everyone loses it. Ian, Chanse, and Amanda all spit. The cast in the back comes walking out dying. Shayne is off-camera screaming. Your face goes bright red, your brain short-circuiting not knowing to laugh, run, or shoot back at her. You eventually give up, finally breaking eye contact and chuckling loudly. Your ribs hurt from laughter. Angela just sits on her stool, smug as hell.

After the shoot, Amanda walks up to the couch you were lying on giving you the cool mom look. You hid your face with your hands feeling very shy about Amanda knowing your sex life. She has such mother energy to her that just, made you feel so nervous about this. "Now, Y/n. I learned something very interesting about you today." She sat down at your feet. From behind your hands, you responded, "Yep." She tapped the back of your hand, "I can't hear you." She was fully accepting the bit at this point, trying anything to get you to take a deep breath. You moved your hands finally seeing the mom look she was wearing and laughed loudly. Amanda relaxed her posture and uncrossed her legs, fully becoming Amanda again. "No seriously how are you feeling?" She grabbed your ankle, "Angela is somewhere freaking out that she crossed a line with you and HR." Your heart dropped and you sat up, "Where is she?" You were on your feet Amanda following behind you as you walked.

Checking room after room, closet after closet until you finally found her outside sitting against the building. Amanda stayed inside but stood by the door. Angela saw you approaching and used her hand to brush away the dirt from the ground beside her. You smiled sadly at the action and plopped down beside her. Pulling her head onto your shoulder and hand into yours. She sniffled from your shoulder, "I'm sorry." You kissed her temple, "You don't need to be. It was funny. If it was an issue I would've lost it and silent laughed." She hummed. You rubbed her hand with your thumb, "And no one from HR or Ian or Zoe is looking for you. They would've said something during the shoot." She sighed, "Yeah. I just take things too far sometimes." You squeezed her hand, "You're in your head love. Everyone takes things too far once in a while, we're human. I wouldn't say it's something you do. You don't have to think that about yourself." She sniffled. There was a comforting silence.

After a few minutes, Amanda stuck her head out the door, "Hey, I don't want to interrupt but they're ready when we are. Kiana said no rush." You smiled and thanked her. She nodded and gave you the 'how is she look?', you smiled and mouthed 'she's okay'. She closed the door and went to grab both of your phones, water bottles, and a snack for Angela. Anglea picked her head up and looked at you. She took in the warmth of your gaze, how your hair was slightly moving with the wind, and how radiant you are. "Thank you for always knowing what to say." You smiled wide, "You never have to thank me, you make it easy." She pressed a sweet kiss to your lips and gave a look so full of love she didn't have to say it. "I love you too."

[adhd-puppet]

-Welcome Home-

Puppets Don't Dance

I decided why not, here is a intro for my AU for Welcome home that I am ready to share with everyone.

Based on the 1997 animated movie, this is a world where humans and puppets live together in the same world. Taking place in the 1930s. Puppets are just as alive as humans with free will, dreams and hopes. Despite this they are not giving the same freedom or time of day by the humans. But one Wally Darling, a young and very talented but naive puppet plans to change it. Packing his life from a small town called Home, he takes a bus to Hollywood with the dream to become the first puppet star in a movie.

Cast part 1/3

Wally Darling plays the of Danny.

🍎 Young and full of dreams, but just as naive his talents are. Wally dreams of being a star, the first of his kind, to be seen on the sliver screen by everyone. An actor, dancer and singer all built into one. Nothing seems to crush his dreams, even the downright gray and colorless, everyone of the friends he meets. No matter who tells him he can't, he just responds with a smile and "nothing will stop me".

🍎 His naive nature of corse gets him into all kinds of trouble. Being too trusting and open may just be his downfall. Hopefully he just meets the right friends.

🍎 This tiny man puppet is also a romantic at heart, looking for the right one to be his co star. One he hopes to find on his journey.

Reader/ Y/N / OC as Sawyer

🐱 Y/N is also a puppet, a human like one. Much like Wally. Also Y/N is small and short.

🐱 Older, wiser and cynical as hell, Y/N has seen the real world. Spit out more they can count. Y/N has long given up on sharing their talent with the world.

🐱 Y/N CAN SING

🐱 Wally annoys the hell out of them, as in really annoys the hell out of them. His happiness and childish nature. Why can't he see the real world....but no matter how annoying he is, Y/N can't bring themselves to hate Wally either. Something about him, makes Y/N feel something. Like maybe just maybe this is a chance for their dream...?

🐱 Works for a talent agency, helping mostly humans find roles for movies, and sometimes a part in a children's movie for one of their puppet friends. Y/N hates their job.

Barnaby B. Beagle as Pudge

🐶 Barnaby is the friend and later best friend for Wally when he first arrives in Hollywood. The two pretty much always together after meeting.

🐶 An aspiring comedian, Barnaby makes his living making ice delivers. On a bike ways to small for him. His real goal is to be one of the comedy greats, making other laugh with his cheesy jokes.

🐶He has been rejected from every comedy club and open mike night in Hollywood and has given up. But unlike Y/N Wally energy quickly reaches him and he sees a chance to live his dream.

I will leave this here, and add part 2 and part 3 soon. With the rest of the cast.

[jellyontheside]

i will be spitting my opinion on these shows cause even tho im hyperfixated af i honestly don't like some of them.

and when i say some of them im really saying i dont like bitch fartman shows. 😭

watching dp for the first time and some fop eps is just making me realize, yeah these are really just not for me fr... i personally do not like fops mean spiritedness and dp can be a bit of a handful to watch for the first time when your not a child. that doesn't mean i hate the shows mind you, fop got a lot of bangers but also a lot of flops, and bitch fartman writing is a real... drag sometimes.

i will say i deffo know i am giving dp a hard time cause im only a few eps in. but this is my first time EVER watching the show. i do love how the school kids are written, they feel shockingly real? or at least as real as a bitch fartman cast goes. their all not just only character tropes they have more then "pretty one" and "bully one". idk that's at least what i got from it 4 eps in. sams writing can be super awful cringe sometimes but i love her and tucker too. (it is just because she is a teen alt girl in a comedy cartoon written by middle aged men in the 2000s, she was cooked from the start.... its ok i can change her.....)

i love jimmy neutron a lot! (even though i haven't watched a lot of the eps yet). but its just nice and silly and sweet, same with mlaatr. i love iz cause its SO FUCKING INSANE, and its really funny??? like i have caught myself laughing out loud at a lot of shit from it. same with spongebob (to be fair im really only talking about the first few seasons and some eps later on), but its such a funny show!

mlaatr art style is just so fucking amazing, im 10 eps in atm and i already bought the art book haha.

el tigre is also very charming and kinda funny??? its like real stupid jokes but they always catch me cause my sense of humor is broken asf.

i say all of this but i love all of these shows a lot, even with my little picks on them. and hey! fop isn't that dead to me cause new wish looks really fucking cute and doesn't have that mean spiritedness like i complain about. i actually love when cosmo and wanda talk to each other now! its now not just lowkey abuse it's like, actual loving bickering cause they love each other! (YIPPIE COSMO IS NOT CALLING HIS WIFE FAT AND UGLY ANYMORE!!!!!)

[adultswim2021]

The Venture Bros. #46: "The Revenge Society" | November 16, 2009 - 12:00AM | S04E05

Look, I love and respect The Venture Bros. Please know that I’m coming from a place of love when I say that this episode has that season three stank on it. 

Generally speaking, I feel like the show has ebbs and flows, vacillating somewhat between episodes where the humor and standalone adventure is emphasized and episodes that feel like an exercise in world-building and character lore. I enjoy piecing together the somewhat complicated story and character histories and stuff like that, because I love this show. But the reason I love this show is for standalone adventures and humor.

This one focuses on Phantom Limb’s reemergence as the head of the Revenge Society, which we find out is comprised of a lady’s shoe (Dr. Mrs. The Monarch’s shoe, I think), a Mug with the word WISDOM on it, and a toaster. Phantom Limb has lost his mind, and treats these all like they’re real guys. One of my favorite jokes of the episode includes the use of the oriental riff, used when Phantom Limb introduces his mug Wisdom. Guy’s gone so crazy that he’s assigned a race to a dang cup. 

This one features a lotta people explaining things to each other. We find out what two of the Council of 13 look like, for instance. We also find out that they are elderly Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper (now known as the Red Mantle and Dragoon, respectively), and they were coaxed away from the airplane that would have killed them by Phantom Limb’s grandfather Phantomas. The fact that these supervillains began life as kidnapped musicians is the explanation for why David Bowie is the Sovereign. Phantom Limb kidnaps Billy Quizboy and has him surgically place Dragoon’s head onto the Red Mantle’s body after attacking them so severely that such a drastic act is their only hope for surviving. They become another Jackson and Doc comedy duo.

Eventually, the Guild of Calamitous Intent show up to the Venture compound while Hatred, Hank, Doc, and Dean all sorta spit off into pairs and stall for time. This makes the episode feel a little listless, like those boring-ass sequences in the Two Towers movie where Hobbits are goofing off with those walking trees. I don’t mind scenes where nothing really happens and characters just chit-chat, as long as it’s funny. I don’t find these scenes to be particularly strong.

Okay, so Phantom Limb is trying to get the Orb (from before). Billy Quizboy knows where it is, which is why the Guild show up to the Ventures door. At some point, the Ventures confront the guild. Dean is paraded as the heir to the Orb or maybe the guild? I guess because Rusty’s grandfather was the protector of the Orb? I don’t know if I really “get” this part at all, but it’s all leading to the conclusion of the orb saga.

Dean knights the current Soverign as the heir to the Orb (I think?) and Phantom Limb tries to get it, only to find out that it’s broken. We then cut to the same flashback from season three, which shows Sandow seemingly strangle Rusty’s father’s father. The scene continues to reveal that Sandow simply broke the orb, and left the elder Ventures’ skull in tact. Apparently this reveal was planned all along, which is why they make the skull-smashing/neck-breaking sound a little metallic-sounding in season three.

The final scene also features a Brian Eno stand-in called Eon. I didn’t know who this was, honestly, and had to look it up. I know who Brian Eno is, I just mean I don’t think I remembered at all what that dude looked like. Is that the real Brian Eno doing the voice? Seriously, no source that would list such a thing lists an actor for him, nor do they point out that he’s voiced by “(unknown)”. I also don’t see anyone asking who the voice is. Am I dumb? 

Other stuff ahead: the dilapidated mansion that Phantom Limb brings Billy, Red Mantle, and Dragoon to comes back later, so keep your peepers peeled if you are a huge dork who likes remembering stuff from cartoons.

More other stuff: this episode pays off Hatred’s fixation on Billy, who is a child-sized but oh-so-legal little man. Billy is knocked unconscious and eventually finds himself in Hatred’s bed. The commentary, the book, and eventually dialogue from a later episode all insist that Hatred didn’t rape Billy; Hatred just cuddled him while he recovered.

And finally, the joke at the end, where Red Mantle tries to jam in a two-headed-related quip to no effect is real funny. I like that joke. See? I told you I love and respect this show.

[artificialqueens]

🏳️‍🌈 WeHo Trans Nights: Chapter 2 (Bianca Del Rio / BenDeLaCreme ; Multi) - Imafuckinglibra

A/N : Listen, this is once again just pure smut with a smiiiiidgen of plot. This mini series is just trans characters getting some good ol’ lovin from other trans characters and this week it’s the boys’ turn. Like last time the art for these guys will be up next queue pinky promise, k bye.

“Bet if we get you a drink, you’ll do it in one take,” Ben tried to lighten the mood with a reassuring hand on Roy’s shoulder.

They were in the small dressing room of their local comedy club, each preparing for their respective sets when the club promoter asked them to film a short reel for their next lineup. 

The usual who, when and what they’d be doing song and dance. Ben had seen Roy film a million of these before, but this was his first hosting gig and he was already cracking under the pressure and presumably a severe case of imposter syndrome. 

Unable to even pull himself together to film a simple video, let alone go out and face the crowd of drunk Wednesday night patrons after he bombed his opening few jokes. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Ben tried again, this time sitting closer, trying to genuinely comfort him. “C’mon tell Uncie Ben, what’s yacking your yums?”

“It’s yucking,” Roy corrected, finally cracking a hint of a smile. “Yucking your yums, and that’s not what that means.” 

“Attaboy!” Ben patted his back. “See, you do have it in you to be helpful.”

“Oh fuck off!” Roy pushed him. 

A gesture Ben knew to read as his own unique little way of saying he appreciated him.

Roy was one of those work friends that had just never quite crossed the border into ‘real friends.’  They ran in similar circles, and were friendly enough, but they never spent much time together outside of the club.

Still, having his cranky confidant was a comfort — that miserable face he always looked for as soon as he walked through the door of their usual club.

“Spit it out, why are you all,” Ben waved his hand in the air, “brooding?”

“Brooding? I- fuck you, I’m not brooding.”

“You’re always brooding,” he rolled his eyes. “But this isn’t your usual brooding, this is a new self-sabotaging brooding.”

“Why don’t you—“ Roy sighed, pursing his lips into a relenting frown. “Ugh…fine, I kind of did something…” he thought it over but gave up. “I don’t know.”

“Oh god,” Ben reached for his imaginary pearls, eyes wide in horror. “You finally killed Joslyn. I knew it, I knew you’d snap one day I just didn’t expect-”

“Would you quit it? I ditched Shane’s party to go have sex with Kylie, okay,” he admitted. “And hey! They’ll never be able to pin that Joslyn shit on me, I know how to hide a body.”

“Oh you’re right,” Ben stood up, pacing the room. “It’s horrible. It’s worse than I thought! Oh my god, Roy,” he stopped to look Roy in the eyes. “You had sex with a beautiful woman and now your life is over.”

“Will you shut the fuck up!” Roy hit his arm.

“Why are you pouting about hitting the jackpot?” Ben came to sit on the counter in front of him, waving his palms in the air.

Roy flashed a shit-eating grin, adding, “Multiple times.” 

“Oh my god,” Ben dropped his hands to his sides. “Get out of my face before I forget I used to like you…How was it?” Ben suddenly asked. His curiosity had gotten the better of him.

“What?” 

“How was it?” Ben shrugged again, his face felt a little darker red than normal, hoping to live vicariously through Roy’s escapades.

“It was…um…“

“Wow, you’re even speechless. That good?” 

“Well, she-“ Roy’s voice broke into a laugh.

“What?” he interrupted him, “she came over and over and called you a god?”

“Not in so many words but…” Roy raised his eyebrows knowingly.

“Roy,” Ben sighed, digging the back of his knuckles into his eyes. “I hate you. I literally…hate you.”

“Wait, weren't you at the party?” Roy sat up straighter, his hands resting on Ben’s thighs.

 He was, but he didn’t particularly feel like talking about it. 

“What did Shane look like after we left? Was he pissed? It was right around when Trixie and Jinkx start—oh,” Roy flinched, pulling back and giving a sympathetic smile. “I forgot, sorry.”

“Oh it’s so fine,” Ben lied, the rise in his voice betrayed him. “But I don’t know, I just stayed till Jinkx showed up and then it got a little awkward.”

“Right,” Roy nodded, and Ben braced himself for the usual pity everyone showed when they talked about his decade long relationship ending. 

“Don’t change the subject.”

“I’m not,” Roy’s pitch rose. “I just, I don’t want to talk about the whole deal with Shane or Kylie. It’s…” he frowned. “It’s complicated. I would rather just ‘brood’ and go find someone else to keep me warm for the night, I guess.”

Ben felt a little twinge of guilt tugging at him, suddenly unsure how to respond to this display of genuine human emotions from a man he thought was half robot. 

“I get what you mean.”  Ben reached out to pat his shoulder. “Since Jinkx and I broke up, I’ve tried reaching out to them just to talk it out, but it’s a weird feeling to have feelings for your friend…you feel me?”

“You are so annoying,” Roy rolled his eyes, grinning ear to ear.

“I know,” Ben nodded, happy to see Roy’s shoulders straighten out again.

“Be honest,” Roy sighed. “You’re not upset because you saw Jinkx at the party with someone new. It’s because that meant you couldn’t get laid, right?”

Leave it to Roy Haylock to be sympathetic in the most roundabout way possible.

“Can’t even try to deny it,” Ben shook his head, his lips pursed in disappointment. “Seriously, I’m so pent up I even winked at my toothbrush.”

“You’re kidding,” 

“It vibrates.” 

Roy’s head flopped backward, laughing louder than he’d heard him in a while.

“It’s bad, Roy. I’m desperate. Yesterday I went to a sex shop and the guy asked how he could help me, I said just give me anything that takes diesel.”

“You’re so stupid,” Roy wiped some tears from his eyes. “Ah…fuck.”

“We can’t all get the hot blondes, can we?”

“Oh please,” Roy huffed. “I’ve been just as dry as you since the party, so don’t try that shit.”

“You mean you’re not all exclusive now?” Ben decided to pry for his own self-satisfaction.

“You know I don’t do relationships, they’re just…not my thing,” Roy shrugged. “I like getting my yums yucked and that’s it.” 

“But I thought-” Ben stopped to frown at the shitty joke Roy made. “I just thought, since you-” 

“You can have sex without dating, Ben,” Roy interrupted with a dry tone. “You can even just have sex with friends if you don’t feel like looking around, it’s fine. Just don’t do it too often; apparently that leads to feelings.”

“Gross.” 

“Horrible,” Roy smiled. “But you know I’m right.”

“I know it’s just, I’ve been with Jinkx since before I transitioned. I haven’t had to date in a decade and it feels a little uncomfortable explaining all this,” he gestured to himself, waving his hands over his body. 

“Hm,” Roy nodded deep in thought. “Yeah, you are abhorrent to be around.”

“The phrase is terminally delightful, I’ll have you know.”

“I prefer you just terminal,” Roy smiled the same fake gotcha grin he gave to hecklers. 

Ben wanted to throw back another zinger but his mind had gone blank. He quickly took another sip from his drink to avoid Roy seeing him stumble.

“Is that another reason why you sleep with friends?” A lightbulb went off over Ben’s head.

“Not exactly,” Roy drew his words out as if he was considering a good way to answer. “But it does help — IF they already know. Adore and I were friends, but she didn’t know the first time we had sex and that was a whole mess.”

“Uh-huh, yeah, right,”  Ben shifted his weight from one foot to another, building the courage to ask. “So um-“ his voice cracked. “So what’re your plans after the show?”

“Nothing yet…” Roy’s dimples deepened into a knowing smile.

“I mean…we both know and we’re not particularly close friends so there’s no risk of it being weird and, you know, it might not be so bad having another option if your bed ever gets too cold.”

“Is that an invitation?” Roy stepped closer.

“Maybe.”

“Ben?” 

Ben looked up, “Yeah?”

“I want to hear you say it first,” Roy smiled, leaning closer to him. “Are you asking to go to bed with me?”

“I could be?” Ben flinched, suddenly too embarrassed to say the words. 

“That’s just maybe with more steps,” Roy grinned. “Yes or no baby.”

Ben’s eyes darted around nervously, finding it hard to keep eye contact or focus and his throat too dry to respond he grabbed Roy’s cheeks and pulled him in for a kiss.

“God yes,” he finally breathed. 

“Wait,” Roy pulled away. “You mean you want to do this right now?”

“Is that a problem?” 

“Not at all,” Roy leaned in, teasing him with another kiss. “You just didn’t seem like the type.”

“Maybe I’m broadening my horizons,” Ben moaned when Roy’s fingers ran through his hair, mentally rolling his eyes at himself. “Pretend you didn’t hear that.”

“Already?” Roy teased.

“Toothbrush.”

“Right, my bad.”

All tension left his body as Roy pressed him against the counter, his thigh between his legs pressing his packer against himself.

Roy’s hands traveled over his body, first caressing along his jaw till his lips replaced them, kissing his neck while his slender fingers whispered down his arms, leaving goosebumps in their trail. 

“Is this okay?” Roy asked when his hands rounded Ben’s hips, giving his ass a firm squeeze through his jeans. Ben nodded. “Use your words, tell me what you want.”

“Can you keep going?” Ben asked, reaching for Roy’s wrist to bring his hand towards his zipper. 

Roy smiled against him, licking a tender spot along his pulse point. “Then what?”

“Then, um-” Roy’s fingers slid down into Ben’s jeans, brushing against his dick. “Yeah, that.”

When Ben started wearing those foam packers built into his underwear at the start of his transition, he did it just because of general laziness, but now it gave Roy such easy access to his target that he couldn’t help but wonder if that was part of the design. 

“Wait!”

“What?” Roy abruptly stopped what he was doing, watching him first with panic then relief as he reached over to lock the door next to them. “Smart.”

“I know,” Ben smiled, wiggling his hips closer to Roy, “But we have to be quick, I have to be on stage in 10 minutes.”

“No, you don’t,” Roy pulled his fingers out to give them a good sloppy lick, “Alyssa’s on, you have at least 30.”

“That would be so much funnier after you finger me,” Ben noted. Cringing at his own brash words. 

“Oh is that what I’m doing?” Roy teased, pulling on Ben’s waistband so he could get a good view before he demanded, “ask nicely first.”

“Pretty please?” Ben felt like rolling his eyes, he wasn’t used to having to beg like this, but he kind of liked it.

Roy, still holding back his waistband so they could both watch, slid his wet fingers back between his thighs.

“Fuck!”  Ben gasped at the relief, forgetting momentarily where they were.

Holding onto the countertop a little tighter for stability, Ben rolled his hips up, grinding his dick between Roy’s flat fingers.

“Oh, that’s so good.” 

“Yeah?” Roy teased him a little longer, his whole hand sliding up and down Ben’s slit. 

His middle fingertip just barely applied any pressure to his entrance but it was enough that Ben could feel the coil in his stomach turn.

Ben reached for his wrist again, guiding his hand back further till Roy got the message.

“Do you want one or two?” he asked.

“One,” Ben swallowed a whimper as Roy’s finger worked him open. 

It felt amazing; the heel of Roy’s palm pressing firmly against him every time he’d curl back inside. All the while Roy watched him with intense focus, biting his lip.

“Faster,” Ben panted, his ass sliding lower off the counter to accommodate easier access for Roy. “But-but let me kiss you.”

Roy leaned in, pressing their bodies together, catching all his moans in his mouth just in time as he curled his finger inwards a little more forcefully, applying more of that intoxicating pressure.

He felt like exploding, like the only thing keeping him grounded was Roy, his lips against his, his flexing shoulder muscles that he clung onto. Even the digit he rode so thoroughly. The thrill of knowing they could be caught pushing him even further. 

Roy gave one more deep push and without warning he burst, all his muscles clenching and releasing over and over. Desperate to hold onto the feeling a little longer he clung onto Roy tighter till he could compose himself.

He waited for Roy to pull out, but instead, he carefully continued his original pattern, just slower. Even the palm against his dick eased up on its pressure, essentially holding him in place till his legs felt stable again.

“That felt really good,” he spoke in his normal tone again. Feeling a bit embarrassed for his reaction. “Thank you.”

“I’m glad,” Roy smiled, pulling his hand back. “But I have to go wash up before my set. We can pick up after, if you want?”

“Really?” 

“Of course,” Roy shrugged. “Didn’t think that’s all I’m leaving you with, did you? I have a reputation to uphold.”

“You’re not powered by diesel are you?” Ben laughed sheepishly, his face still glowing red.

“Nope,” Roy shook his head. “Last I checked just good ol’ Fireball.”

“Well then,” Ben jumped off the counter and zipped up his pants. “Let’s go get you some more!”

-

They were already making out as they entered the apartment, lazily exploring one another's bodies. Tender kisses while fingers spread through hair, down collars and shoulders even as they walked towards the couch. Only stopping when Roy’s calf hit the coffee table.

“Would-would you like something to drink?” Ben asked through their kiss. “Glass of water? A snack? Maybe an hors d’oeuvre?

“No thank you,” Roy smiled against his lips, dragging out another slow kiss. “But I really,” another kiss, “really I appreciate the hospitality.”

He could feel Ben relaxing into his touch, growing more comfortable in the way he was kissing him back, releasing that anxiety he held. 

Roy went to work removing Ben’s shirt, unbuttoning the god-awful rainbow button-up he wore. He could feel Ben’s breathing change but when he reached the last button, he felt his whole posture tighten.

“Huh,” Roy stood back after letting the shirt drop to the floor. He reached for Ben’s chest, gingerly feeling around his collarbones and the top of his pecs; anything not covered by his undershirt. “Well, I’ll be damned.”

“What?” 

“Nothing I just-” He shook his head. “I love a bitch who shaves their chest but not their pubes.”

“Oh. My. God.” Ben rolled his eyes, breaking into a relaxed laugh again. “Watch it,” he said, taking hold of Roy’s chin. “One of these days I’m getting you a muzzle.”

“You know you should wear just this more often,” Roy noted, paying no mind to Ben’s idle threats, tugging at the hem of his white tank top. “You look great in it.”

“You think so?” He blushed.

Roy didn’t answer; he let his actions speak for themselves, pulling Ben’s body against his own so their bulges pressed together, kissing along his stubbled jaw, his neck and down his clavicle. 

As much as he wanted to use his teeth and mark Ben’s pale skin, he didn’t want to put too much on him too fast.

Till he pulled off Ben’s shirt and saw his exposed torso, instinctively he reached for his sides, pulling his chest closer to suck on the skin near the center of his sternum. His teeth grazed the soft flesh, nipping delicately when Ben coughed.

“Um, could you be a little more careful around,” he circled his chest, “there? It’s still a little…unpleasant.”

“Gotcha,”  Roy skipped his chest, instead traveling lower to his belly, kissing below his belly button where Ben came alive. 

It was like a switch was flipped; Ben’s hands on the back of his head gently nudging him lower till Roy got the message. 

Roy helped him backwards to lay down on the corner sofa where he could more easily remove Ben’s jeans. 

The little whimpered breaths escaping Ben’s lips every time Roy’s hands touched a new part of his exposed skin made him almost too irresistible. 

He took his sweet time, making sure his nails raked up and down his legs whenever he’d remove another piece of clothing, especially his underwear. 

Ben’s hips practically bucked up on their own when he finally settled between his thighs, his fingertips dancing around his hip bones, over his belly and his rapidly rising and falling chest. 

Watching his body language intensely to gauge when he’d had enough. 

“If this is payback for heckling you during your set that one time,“ Ben sighed, sitting up on his elbows so he could see what was taking so long.

“Not at all,” Roy shook his head, following Ben’s eyes down to where his fingertips were playing with his haphazardly trimmed pubes. He kept getting so close to his dick but never close enough, no matter how much Ben’s hips tried wiggling closer. “I just like taking my time so I know what feels good.”

“What if I just tell you what feels good?” Ben snarked, more annoyed this time.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Roy’s tongue brushed against him, earning a long awaited moan, his deep voice practically vibrating through Roy’s body. 

“I see your point,” Ben swallowed, holding Roy’s head with the back of his hand. His hips riding against his face more with each deliberate flick of his tongue till Roy was satisfied enough spit had worked its way down. 

He gave another long, flat lick for good measure before working a finger in, tip first, steadily curling it inwards till Ben melted into nothingness.

He kissed along his thighs, sucking in bits of soft flesh as Ben fucked down into his finger till his moans turned ragged. 

“Oh, f-fuck!” Ben exclaimed, falling back into the sofa when Roy took his dick in his mouth again, sucking on it the same way he’d done his now bruised thighs, all while pressing a little harder into his g-spot. 

When he hollowed out his cheeks Ben was practically shaking, his knuckles tight on the blanket underneath him, and just when Roy started to feel him clench around his finger he pulled out. Leaving Ben practically weeping.

He knew it was a little cruel, but that was half the fun — feeling Ben get desperate. The way his body writhed under his touch was too delicious.

“Impatient?” 

“You have no idea,” Ben panted, catching a little giggle in his throat, his eyes still shut tight. 

“Here, can you keep yourself busy for a second while I grab the rod?” Roy asked, guiding Ben’s hand between his thighs.

“Sure.” Ben sat up, holding back from touching himself too much and spoiling the fun while he watched Roy. “What’s the rod?”

“It’s the,” Roy dug a black satin bag out of the backpack they’d dropped on the floor when they walked in. “The thing that makes me uh, erect. Unless…do you not want-“

“Oh!” Ben blushed, catching on to what Roy meant. “So you are actually going to-“

“Fuck you?” Roy smirked. “If you would like that, then yeah.”

“Hm-mh,” Ben nodded enthusiastically, clearly pleased with this turn of events. “I’d like that very much.”

“I mean,” Roy momentarily lost his train of thought as he watched Ben take his little solo session further, sliding his hand down to use his own wetness as lube to jerk off with. “Oh don’t do this to me,” he growled, palming himself through his pants, finding he was the one growing desperate now. “God I want to fuck you.”

“Better hurry up then.”

Roy didn’t waste any time removing his shoes, his pants or anything else in his way. He did his best to slip his rod into his packer while it was against him. A little awkward at first with his jeans unbuttoned around his hips but he managed. 

And Ben, with his own sense of urgency, certainly wasn’t going to complain about his efficiency.

“Here,” Roy finally stood back in front of him again, handing him a condom and a small foil packet of lube. 

This felt different for Ben than he thought it would, a sense of calm and almost comradery with Roy that he didn’t think he’d feel with new partners. 

Maybe because of their years-long acquaintanceship, or the fact that he knew Roy understood how to work his body better than most cis partners would.

“Ready?” Roy asked, looking down at him, eyes hungry as Ben worked his dick, slathering it in lube. Roy’s chest rose with every stroke, finally showing his own signs of impatience. 

“Uh huh.” He nodded, rolling over on all fours with his ass in the air so Roy would have a better angle to work with.

“Fuck, just look at you,” Roy exhaled, admiring Ben’s slick thighs and wet pubes, spreading him open with his fingers.

“Oh for the love of…just put it in already,” Ben caught himself.

“Well well,” Roy smacked him on the ass, rubbing his tip around Ben’s entrance. 

Given everything else, Ben expected Roy to be brash and controlling, just blindly shoving it in. But no, he actually took the time with his hands on the small of his back to guide it in as carefully as he could till Ben was ready to push back.

Still, he couldn’t help but let out a whine when he felt the familiar sharp pressure wash over him. It had been so long since he’d been with another partner, it almost took him by surprise how different he felt. 

“More.” He reached back and tapped Roy’s leg.

Roy’s hips moved slowly, thrusting his whole dick in till it hit his ass before he’d slide out. Praising him all the way with soft touches to his body. 

The back of his nails trailing thin lines along his thighs and up his ass, grabbing a fistful to use as leverage to push back into him.

“Fuck you’re good at that,” Ben moaned, dropping his head deeper into the sofa cushions.

He was so focused on all the sensations tingling along his skin and through his body, he almost missed Roy’s breathing pick up, but once he heard it he lasered in.

Paying close attention to every sound that came from him till he couldn’t resist sneaking a peek, peering over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of Roy’s face.

He was beautiful, with his brows furrowed tight, eyes locked on where their bodies met, mouth opened as he let out deep breaths and hushed moans. Sweat beads collected on his chest, rising and falling faster.

Then he clocked it, every now and then he’d slip; he’d shut his eyes and try to catch his breath discreetly, his mouth contorting into silent curses as if he was holding himself back.

Ben couldn’t take it anymore, he nervously tapped back behind him, reaching for any part of him. “I..I’m gonna come…”

“Already?” Roy asked smugly, forcefully pulling Ben back against his chest, trapping him in his arms so he could pick up his pace.

“Shut up,” Ben groaned, guiding Roy’s hand to his dick. 

“Like before, please…like…” He croaked, turning into a ragdoll in Roy’s arms. “Like that…more like that…”

He had no clue how good it was going to feel until, out of nowhere, he couldn’t stop his hips from shaking.

The rest of his body tingled like he was about to experience the best out of control high of his life. Roy’s proud smile and own moans caught in the back of his neck as he pounded into him.

His hips slapping into his ass faster the more incoherent Ben’s cries grew till everything went into free fall. 

Any ability to breath or speak or even think was inexplicably lost on him. Like his whole body was being consumed by this deep pleasure washing over him.

He thanked God or whoever would listen for Roy’s arms still around him, grounding him as he slowly descended from whatever cloud he’d accidentally floated to. Talking him down with inaudible sweet nothings and kissing along his back. 

“Goddamn,” Roy sighed satisfactorily, carefully pulling out of him.

“I wouldn’t quite say you’re a god,” Ben curled his lip, “maybe god-like…god-esque.” 

“I’ll be sure to put that on my resumé,” Roy pushed him down into the couch pillows, back to his old self. 

“So do you use that thing on everyone?” he asked, now sitting upright when Roy came back from discarding the condom.

“Only if they want me to,” Roy shrugged, leaning down to kiss him tenderly, as if this was natural for them.

“And do they reward you for it?” He pulled their lips apart, unsure what else to do or say in the moment. 

“Only if I want them to.”

With his big puppy dog eyes still looking up at him, Ben reached for Roy’s half zipped jeans, sliding them off till he could step out of them.

“Do we still need this?” Ben asked, poking at Roy’s packer.

“Depends what you have in mind?”

“I can manage,” Ben smiled, running his hands towards Roy’s ass where he pulled off his underwear, making a mental note about the inside of his packer having ridges to grind against. “Close your eyes.”

Roy hesitated, but with a deep breath in he obeyed.

Ben reached behind him, fumbling with some of the blankets and pillows spread out on the sofa till he found his target.

Roy waited patiently, his lips twitching into a smile at the anticipation of what could possibly be waiting for him. 

“Oh…fu-uck,”  Roy moaned, his eyes shooting open when he felt something vibrate against him. “Dirty trick you pulled there, huh?”

“I know,” Ben blushed, proud of himself. With his free arm around Roy’s waist he pulled him down onto the seat, switching their original positions but this time with Ben between his legs.

He wasn’t much of a tease, preferring to get straight to the point and licking around Roy’s dick as soon as he got up close with it. Something which Roy, still rock hard and deprived of his earlier orgasm, greatly appreciated.

Roy was so lost in the moment he didn’t even pick up that Ben had reached for the packet of lube still next to him till he felt the cold sticky touch of the vibrator nudging around his core.

Normally Roy wouldn’t think twice about asking his partner to stick to his growth and avoid wandering hands or tongues. But after his encounter with Kylie he’d grown a new tolerance, some might even say fondness, for some experimenting.

Ben must’ve picked up on this as he asked, “is this okay?” 

“Yeah,” Roy gulped, finding his hips instinctively rolled up against the gentle buzzing of the toy. “But I think just, just keep that there.”

Ben followed orders extremely well, responding with glee to each hair tug or grunt coming from Roy, pleasuring him just how and where he needed it most.

“I’m so grateful you’re a better cocksucker than you are a writer,” Roy joked, grabbing a good handful of curly black hair so he could fuck his face.

“That’s it,” Ben pulled back, shaking his hand loose. He stood up, reached for the nearest piece of fabric and shoved it unceremoniously into Roy’s mouth before he could get another word out. “I warned you.”

Roy wanted to protest, but he was laughing too hard at the unexpected turn of events, ready to pull Ben’s underwear out of his mouth and throw another jab when he sunk between his legs again.

Hollowing his cheeks out around Roy’s dick, he swirled his tongue around the head, making him cry out in glorious ecstasy. He bit down into the underwear, feeling unexpectedly grateful for it as his hips bucked under him.

Pressing the tip of the toy he’d forgotten about against himself, causing a loud guttural moan he didn’t know he had in him. 

He looked up at Ben, frantically searching for his eyes to warn him of what was about to happen when Ben let his dick go with a loud pop. Flicking the tip with his pointed tongue instead.

“Oh fuck you,” Roy managed through the muffle of the fabric.

Roy was a mess. He could picture it, envisioning how pathetic he must have looked with his sweat drenched forehead, trembling thighs and clenched fists either side of Ben’s head as he rode him for dear life.

He was so close, right about to cross the threshold when the vibrations went from perfect to too much, overstimulating him in a way he wasn’t used to. 

“What do you need?” Ben asked, removing the underwear from his mouth. 

“This…it’s-it’s-“ he could barely form a sentence, feebly trying to reach for the toy but Ben got the general idea, turning it on a lower setting instead. “Yeah, that’s…it…fuck!”

Roy came louder than he’d anticipated, forgetting for a second about the person trapped between his clenched shut thighs till he heard Ben wince.

He let go, throwing his arms back either side of himself to grab whatever blankets laid under him when he felt the sensation change.

Ben, ever the fast learner, had shifted his technique; sliding Roy’s dick in and out between his lips while licking along the underside, easing him through the torturous sensitivity till he felt the knot in his belly tighten again. 

For probably the first time in his life, Roy was speechless, utterly out of a single word to say as he watched with strained eyes the way his dick disappeared between those thin lips. 

His mouth agape as he rode out the second wave till he couldn’t take it anymore. Unable to show any composure or even pretend to. His whole body shuddering uncontrollably as he fucked Ben’s face, whimpering broken commands and praises along the way.

Ben’s beautiful big eyes watching him with endearment he’d never noticed from him before.

“Jesus christ, that…that’s—“ He pulled out of Ben’s mouth, giving his dick a few more deliberate strokes till it stopped pulsing. “Fucking…perfect.”

Finally satisfied, he plopped himself down dramatically, arms stretched out above his head as Ben’s fingers massaged his thigh, caressing his sore muscles.

“God that was fun,” Ben surprised him by gliding his hands along his flexed abs, making his skin tingle with a strange delight. “Do…do you think we could, maybe do that again?”

“Oh we are definitely doing that again, goddamn.” Roy exhaled, a chuckle in his throat.

He could feel a wet spot under his butt, unsure if it was him or Ben’s spit from his sloppy blowjob. 

He ran his hand down his slit where they both watched as he pulled his finger back with a sticky line of his cum following out. “Jesus christ, I don’t think I’ve been like this in ages,” he laughed nervously. “I need a towel or something.”

“Oh my god, that’s so hot,” Ben said, watching him, practically licking his lips at the sight. 

“You like that baby?” Roy hammed it up, arching his back a little so Ben could get a first class view of his fingers spreading a mix of cum and lube around himself.

Ben reached over and with his thumb lifted Roy’s dick, gently rubbing the underside of it till it gave a weak twitch back to life. 

“I never realized how big you were,” he admitted, blushing slightly. “Real mouthful.” 

“Honduran.” Roy shrugged as if he hadn’t told that joke a million times, pulling Ben closer so they’d be straddled together. “Why? You are ready for a little more.”

He watched Ben pretend to think it over, eyes gleaming with enthusiasm as he nodded eagerly, “What’s another round between friends, right?” 

Pride Challenge Points: 11,202

[jupitermelichios]

my cousin got me tickets to see spitting image live for christmas. I have no idea why, I've never watched the show, but hey, free theatre is free theatre

i've literally never walked out of a show before. i have nothing else to do today, i enjoy the experience of being in the theatre, and i have a pretty high tolerance for shit productions. I did local am-dram panto for years, willingly.

anyway i'm going to be a good citizen of the internet and leave my unhinged ranting below a cut, but if you're interesting in learning all the possible ways to fuck up a comedy show, read on

we left during the interval, and if we hadn't been in the middle of a row, I would have walked out about fifteen minutes in. not because it's 'edgy' (they literally started the show with a warning about how it might trigger the snowflakes, always a sign that what follows is going to be great comedy) because despite their best efforts it really wasn't. the closest they got to being edgy was a very bad kanye west joke that was clearly written in at the last minute because he went full neo-nazi after they'd finished the script. it was just... baaad.

i didn't find any of the jokes funny, but humour is subjective. but there was just a lot of really lazy stuff, like the lyrics in their parody songs didn't scan. they made tom cruise a main character, but were clearly afraid of getting sued by scientology, so the only joke they could make was about him being short, which is not a joke you can sustain for a 2 hour show. It's barely funny the first time. obviously the plot was extremely lose and just there to justify the impressions, but even so there was weird shit about it that just didn't make sense, like the villains were boris johnson and a cabal of evil, but also putin was there and a villain but not part of the cabal they kept just kind of cutting away to him in a way that felt very weird. also they missed so many good opportunities for jokes, like an extended bit about johnson trying to give carrie johnson a nepotism job and then cutting to trump for a reaction, but the trump joke was just 'he's a mysogynist' with zero reference to all the nepotism he did? which feels like a much more natural joke?

also elon musk is there and has a tesla car that transforms into a mech, genuinely an impressive puppet and probably the closest to an actual joke they got, but then the puppet was too big and clunky so he just leaves and doesn't come back with no explanation and no other jokes. also zuckerberg is there and they just straight up forgot to make any jokes about him? he's literally just standing there, and if I thought it was deliberate that might have been a funny joke, but i genuinely think they just forgot.

they also massively underestimated how many people in the uk watch drag race, rue paul was a main character in the show and got a lot of awkward silence. which admittedly might have been because they also didn't give him any jokes, they just had him say his catchphrases from drag race, but i honestly thing they thought the concept of drag queens was so inherently funny it would carry the character, and instead most of the audience just straight up didn't know who he was

also idris elba was in it and the joke was that he's boring? which i really feel like isn't the first thing most people think of when they think of action-movie actor and sex symbol idris elba, ngl

oh, and this i assume is a problem from the tv show that they got stuck with, but their suella braverman joke is that she's an evil haunted doll, which is like... it's not completely unfunny, and it's at least not racist, but also, this woman quote hitler in front of holocaust survivors and when called out doubled down, and the only joke you can think of is that she's annabelle? really?

i will give them one thing though, their half-lettuce half-liz truss puppet was pretty good.

anyway, don't go see this show, it's shit. my only regret about walking out is that i have blue hair and pronouns and i'm worried me walking out will have made people the show actually succeeded in being edgy and 'triggering the libs'

[celli-ohs]

hubba hubba!

part two of accidentally in love! series frat boy!yeonjun x stubborn!reader; college!au, one-sided love to lovers! comedy/crack, fluff, angst, smut

ATTENTION: reply/comment for taglist!

15. pretty (written chapter 3.17k)

Your phone dings for what seems like the 20th time tonight, but you’re so annoyed you don’t even go to check. “You’re not going to see?” Yujin gestures to your phone as she sits beside you on the couch. You all are seated in the living room, Rei and Wonyoung also beside you as they decide on what crappy TV show for you four to watch. Tonight was an actual girls' night. After a couple of chaotic “girls' nights” with all the boys, you and the other girls finally pulled the plug on the invitation following some absurd requests. So instead of gathering at your apartment like you all usually did, tonight you opted to stay over at Yujin’s and Wonyoung’s apartment (Liz had gone to see her family in Jeju for a couple of days). You sigh and shake your head, getting up to grab a drink. “No, I’m sure it’s just Yeonjun again.”

“Again? He’s been all over you recently, are you sure he doesn’t like you?” Wonyoung eyes you with a smirk. “Are you really going to have me relive my trauma of being friend-zoned by a frat boy?” You glare at her, opening your soda. “Sorry, it’s just why else would he be commenting on every post you’re in? He has no reason to be lurking.” She proves her point. “Honestly, I’m with Won on this,” Yujin nods. “Not you too, oh my god,” You roll your eyes. “I’m serious! Look I’ve been meaning to tell you this but when you had me model your dress, he seemed like he was really really into you.” Yujin reveals. You’re shocked but then scoff at her. “He’s always like that.” You disagree. “Oh really? So he just happens to constantly compliment you, wink at you, call you pet names? I almost forgot- he hugs you?!”

Both Rei and Wonyoung are flabbergasted at this information. You suddenly feel your face flush, and you begin to feel the pressure. “Uh- I can explain.” You hold up a hand. “You guys touch skin?!” Rei looks disgusted, while Wonyoung is trying to wrap her head around this. “Listen! Listen, okay?!” You hold your hands out, forcing them to quiet down. “He compliments me because he’s trying to show his gratitude. I’ve been doing all the heavy work in class, he said he feels bad so he wants me to know he appreciates it.” You say. “He only winks at me when he’s telling some stupid dad joke, and he only calls me names because he knows I don’t like them.” Yujin rolls her eyes, not believing you. “Okay those are plausible, but that doesn’t explain the hugging.” Wonyoung reminds you.

“Yujin is exaggerating, we only hugged each other goodbye.” You throw your hand to the side. “Just like I do with all of you, my friends!” The three girls look amongst themselves. “Fine, if you want the benefit of the doubt, okay then.” Yujin concedes. “But I know what I saw, and when he comes back crawling to you, I better get a thank you.” She threatens. You cross your arms and just decide to sit back down. “Whatever you say,” You snuggle into her side, giving her a silly smile. She pretends to be angry, but then she begins to laugh, throwing an arm around you. “Sorry, you’re one of my best friends and I just think you deserve to be loved by someone who isn’t afraid or a douche.” She mutters. “I know you’re just looking out for me, I’m grateful.”

“Us too! I want you to be happy and never have to worry about whether or not the person you’re with even likes you,” Wonyoung leans her head against your arm. You sit with a warm smile when Rei suddenly yelps. “Ow! Yujin, Wonyoung elbowed me!” As you and Yujin laugh, Wonyoung spits back. “Say something nice to Y/n you man hater!” Rei groans. “I think that guy is stupid and deserves to get jumped for hurting your feelings,” You eye her cautiously. “But I won’t because you like him.” She concludes. “I don’t like him.” You mutter. “Oh lord, here we go again.” Yujin sighs. “I don’t! We’re friends. I’m not going to fall for a guy who only sees me as a friend.” You laugh. “And when you guys start dating, I’ll be sure to remember that,” Wonyoung teases. “You guys are insuff-”

Your phone suddenly rings, and you clumsily fish it from under your seat on the couch. The contact name has you jumping up. “Go ahead and start the episode, I’ll be right back!” You don’t even look at your friends as you step outside, shutting the front door behind you. “Hello?” You say as soon as you answer the call. “Hey pretty, what’re you doing?” Yeonjun’s voice sounds like butter, and you can’t help but giggle. “Nothing much, just having a girls' night.” You explain quickly. “With Jake?” You swear you hear a twinge of jealousy. “No,” You laugh. “Just me and the actual girls this time. Kicked him out after he wanted to do Scooby Doo masks.” You hear Yeonjun crack up, and you smile to yourself. “Well, I have a question to ask you.”

“Okay, shoot,” You nod. You hear him clear his throat. “Are you busy tomorrow night? Soobin and his girlfriend are having a movie night and they said I could invite someone.” You pause, processing the question. “Are you asking me if I want to go with you?” You double-check, with a tone of cheekiness. “Yeah, I am.” Yeonjun sounds oddly shy. As you lean against the wall, you chuckle. “You couldn’t ask Kai or Beomgyu?” You tease. “Oh God no. Beomgyu’s too pissy to be around, and even if I did want Kai to go, he’s got the closing shift at work.” You hum at his answer. “I see, so I’m just the last resort.” You joke. “No, you were my first option.” Yeonjun shuts you right up. “Oh,” You peep out. He always found a way to surprise you. “So what do you say? Come join me?”

“You’re lucky I broke my non-dominant arm. If it was my right arm, I’d probably be unable to drive you.” Yeonjun chuckles as you two cruise down the street. “That just makes me more nervous.” You joke right back. Once you’d agreed to go with him, he’d offered to pick you up. You hadn’t expected much, but you also didn’t think big bad boy Yeonjun would pull up in front of your apartment complex in a Toyota RAV4, a total mommy car. “Why’re you nervous?” He asks, reminding you where you two were heading. You shrug, lying. “I’m meeting people I’ve never really talked to before,” You give him a small explanation. He nods understandingly. “Yeah, I get it, but I promise they’re all cool.” He reassures you as you two pull into a familiar apartment complex.

“This is where the boys live.” You look out the window, a bit shocked. “Yeah. Jay and the guys live here, on the third floor.” You point out their apartment, its curtains are closed but the windows are still bright, signifying someone is home. “Oh yeah, I think Soobin mentioned his girlfriend lives near them,” Yeonjun mentions. “Maybe I should pop in and say hi,” You mumble to yourself. “No, they might be busy, besides, the others are probably waiting for us,” Yeonjun says. You don’t seem to hear the slight jealousy in his voice. As you guys walk up the stairs, Yeonjun leans into you for a second. You can smell his cologne, it smells inviting. “I forgot to mention: Soobin and his girlfriend are weebs, I think we’re watching some kinda anime movie,” He mumbles. 

You laugh, nudging him in the arm. “No problem, I’m not picky with movies.” He leads you to a certain door and knocks. It bursts open in seconds, and you’re greeted by a tall man wearing the most atrocious Shrek-themed shirt you’ve ever seen. “You guys made it! Come on in!” Soobin ushers you two inside. You and Yeonjun arrive last, entering the bustling apartment. “Make yourselves comfortable. My girlfriend already made popcorn and Jen made pasta if you’re hungry.” Soobin tells you both as you remove your shoes. “Thanks, man,” Yeonjun claps him on the shoulder. “Woah! This is so cool!” You gasp at the screen projected onto the large blank wall in the living room. “Isn’t it? Best financial investment I’ve made with adult money,” Soobin’s girlfriend grins at you as she joins her boyfriend’s side (you notice she's wearing a matching Shrek shirt). 

“Didn’t Keeho steal it from our math teacher in high school after we graduated?” Chaewon interjects from the kitchen. “And I had to pay a heavy fee for him to let me keep it,” Soobin’s girlfriend argues. “Are you hungry?” Yeonjun asks you, secretly placing a hand on the small of your back. “I could go for some snacks,” You nod, letting him lead you to the tiny table. “Oh, let me add more M&Ms,” A girl scurries to the table, opening a fresh bag before she pours it into the bowl. “I’m Kazuha by the way, Chaewon’s girlfriend.” She greets. “Nice to meet you, I’m Y/n.” You smile. “Oh my gosh! Y/n!” A familiar voice calls out and you look behind you. Jen holds out her arms for a hug, and you excitedly run to her. “How’ve you been? You look so good!” She compliments. 

You thank her before a sneaky hand wraps itself around Jen’s waist. “Hey Y/n, how are you?” Keeho smiles. Yeonjun skips over to you, trying to show you the large plate of snacks he’d made. “I’m good, how about you?” You ask. “Not much honestly, just busy with school and ETEN,” Keeho nods, before turning his attention to the man to your left. “Which I need to talk to you about.” He looks and sounds stern as he faces Yeonjun. “Uh, can we do this another time dude? We’re here to have fun, I don’t feel like talking about that right now.” Yeonjun tries to be nice, popping a sour gummy worm into his mouth. “And when were you planning on answering my texts then? You’ve been avoiding all of council for the past month and a half.” Keeho raises a brow.

“You stopped showing up to parties, you have Changbin doing all the work, and you haven’t even spoken to Mark since-” “Okay babe, calm down,” Jen interjects, placing a hand on Keeho’s arm. “Let’s go sit down, you two can talk later.” She pushes him towards the living room, the others are also settling down. As they leave, you turn to Yeonjun with concern. “You’ve been avoiding the frat?” You ask him quietly. He doesn’t meet your eyes, looking embarrassed. “I’ve just been busy,” He shrugs. “With what?” You ask, but Yeonjun preoccupies himself with the gummy worms. You suddenly realize what he’s been busy with all month. “With… me?” You point to yourself. He finally looks at you, and you can’t tell what he’s thinking. 

“Let’s just say I’ve been reevaluating what I’d rather be spending my time doing.” He sends you a wink before taking your arm and leading you to the living room. Soobin and his girlfriend are seated on one end of the couch, Jen and Keeho on the other. Chaewon is cuddling with Kazuha on the bean bag. It’s then you realize what exactly you’ve gotten yourself into: a couples movie night. But before you can react, Yeonjun pulls you down beside him, squishing you two into the sofa chair. Actually, you’re practically on top of him, half sitting on his lap, the other half on the actual seat. You begin to feel hot, and your heart is beating so loud you swear Yeonjun could hear it too. You don’t want to turn to look at him, too embarrassed with how close you two were right now.

“We all can read right?” Soobin asks innocently. “Not Chaewon,” Keeho jokes, and he’s hit in the face with a popcorn kernel. “Ow! I was kidding!” He whines. “Well either way I don’t care, cause there’s no way in hell I'm watching dub,” Soobin says, and he presses play.

Halfway through the movie, you get up to use the bathroom. If you were being honest, you had no idea what was going on. Not because it was spoken in Japanese or because the plot was confusing. It was because you could feel Yeonjun’s… well everything. His heartbeat, his breath, his eyes. It was driving you crazy, you could barely concentrate. You hated yourself for feeling like this, after his rejection you thought you could control, maybe even dissipate your feelings for him. But sitting all cozy on one another in a dark cramped space had you thinking otherwise. Occasionally he’d lean in and whisper in your ear. Usually, he commented something funny about the movie or Soobin’s reactions, but every so often he’d say something that would make the hairs raise. 

“You smell good, what perfume are you wearing?” He says while lightly sniffing your collar, his nose tickling you. “I was going to tell you in the car, but I like your hair tonight.” Yeonjun’s lips ghost over your neck and you get chills. “Feed me a gummy worm, pretty? My arms are full,” He playfully uses his one free hand to squeeze your thigh. You had to excuse yourself before you got too dizzy from all the teasing. After calming down, you tried to mentally prepare yourself for when you return. There's a knock on the door and you pause. “Just a second,” You call out before you open it slightly. You don’t know who you were expecting, but it wasn’t Jen. “Hi, sorry, can I come in real quick?” She asks though she pushes herself inside. 

“Uh, yeah,” You nod. “Here, I’m finished anyway.” You attempt to leave when she catches your hand. “No! I actually wanted to talk to you.” She says, and you close the door again, this time with more concern. “What is it?” You know the others have probably noticed you both are gone now. “I’ll be fast,” Jen promises. “I just felt that you needed to hear this since you and Yeonjun are seeing each other now,” She says and you hold a hand out to stop her. “We’re not, we’re just friends.” You correct her. “Oh sweetie, everyone and their mama can see you guys like each other. Don’t deny it.” She laughs. You feel embarrassed because maybe she was right. “Even if you guys are ‘just friends’, I need to warn you.” She says with air quotes.

“Warn me about what?” You furrow your brows. Jen sighs and leans against the bathroom counter. “Yeonjun and I used to have a… thing last year. Nothing super serious I promise. It was mainly sex.” She begins to say, nonchalantly. “I just feel that as girl to girl, you should know he may seem sweet, but he’s never serious.” Your heart begins to sink. “He does this to every girl, he butters them up, sleeps with them, then ditches them for another one,” Jen says, her words stinging. “Yeonjun used to take me to parties and dates or whatever, but when I didn’t want to sleep with him anymore, he stopped holding up that nice guy act and we went our separate ways.” Jen takes your hands suddenly and you have to fight the urge to pull away. “I know we’re not super close or anything, but you need to know because you deserve to know who he really is.”

Who Yeonjun really is… You swallow thickly and nod. “Thank you, I appreciate it.” You give her a smile. She smiles back, squeezes your hands, and sighs. “We should probably go back,” She mutters, and you two exit, pretending to have never even had a hushed conversation. “You guys okay?” Keeho asks as you and Jen sit back down. Yeonjun holds you so naturally, yet you feel so stiff. “Oh yeah, nothing much,” Jen nods, catching your eye. You turn away quickly. “Feeling okay? You were gone for a while.” Yeonjun whispers. “Yeah, I’m fine, just uh, lady problems,” You lie. You can feel Yeonjun stare at you, trying to figure you out, but you remain fixed on the screen. You can’t even pay attention to the film anymore, you just need to pretend that you are normal. Yeonjun seems to believe you because he nods and leans back into the seat. You both don’t say a word for the rest of the movie.

“Have a good night guys, thanks for coming over.” Soobin’s girlfriend waves goodbye from the front door. “Thanks for having us,” You smile. “Is Soobin going to be okay?” You point to the lanky man who’d latched himself onto his girlfriend as he cried his eyes out into her shoulder. “Oh yeah, every time we watch Your Name he cries. He’ll be fine.” She assures you, petting her boyfriend’s hair as he babbles on and on about the love story. “Just- just- I just love them so much!” He sniffles. “Dude, you’ve got snot all over your face.” Yeonjun snickers. Soobin sadly flips him off. “Alright, take care, see you guys later.” You and Yeonjun finally leave, walking silently side by side down the stairs back to the parking lot. “How’d you like the movie?” Yeonjun asks quietly.

“Good.” You lick your lips nervously. “Kinda confusing, but it was sweet.” Yeonjun chuckles, unlocking the car. You both get in, buckling up. It’s late, there are no cars on the road, which means he could speed through town to get you back home, but Yeonjun seems to take his time. After a few minutes of debating, you finally speak up. “Hey,” You swallow. “Have you been avoiding the frat for me?” You ask. Yeonjun slows the car to a stop at the red light. “Yeah, why?” He turns to you and you guys meet eyes. There’s something in the way he looks at you, his eyes are so gentle that you feel as if you could read him like an open book. Even with all the things Jen told you tonight, you knew now as you looked at Yeonjun under the neon streetlights that whoever she was referring to was not the same guy who sat across from you. This Yeonjun was different.

“Nothing.” You say, still looking at him. “I just don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.” The light turns green, and Yeonjun has to force himself to look away to continue driving. “I’ll talk to the guys.” He sighs. “I’m just focusing on the more important stuff right now.” Your heart begins to flutter. “I’m more important to you?” You can’t even believe what you’re hearing. Yeonjun nods, a smile gracing his lips and you have to physically stop yourself from screaming with happiness. 

“You have no idea how important you are, pretty.”

Bonus:

Some things the guys did to get themselves banned from girls' night: Heeseung begging to play LOL, Sunghoon picking Frozen as the movie, Jake (other than the cursed Scooby Doo masks) getting angry over losing in Monopoly (noise complaints)

Jay did nothing wrong he would cook, let the girls paint his nails/do his makeup, and knew how to give a good massage, it was such a shame to kick him out (they still secretly invite him)

Yeonjun knew it was a couples' movie night, he just conveniently forgot to mention it

Loser Soobin and his gf return! lol I left lots of awooga crumbs in this chapter

previous | next

hubba hubba! masterlist

taglist (open): @justandloyal2961 @hoonatic @emosakumas @ancnymcnzjy

[unpopularvivian]

-Toby and Gordon were both crying when they heard their own songs.

Thomas: *Is looking at Toby and Gordon* Should we comfort them? I feel like it's a bit too emotional.

Edward: Nah, Thomas my boy. You know how these two function. Let them show their emotions properly for once.

Toby and Gordon: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

- Multiple characters had to redo their lines because their voices kept on cracking.

-Somebody told the forbidden Gorilla joke to Edward 10 times and Edward started rolling on the ground and banging on the floor. In fact, he banged on the floor so hard that he actually broke his wrist.

-Everybody spent the day laughing at James when he wore the bee costume. Especially Thomas, who was on the ground and actually peed his pants.

-Toby and Edward were kissing on a set once and Percy noticed. The end result was comedy gold.

Percy: Hey dad? Where's Phillip? The production crew said that they needed him to- What the?.....

Toby: *Is covered with kisses on his face* Uh, this is awkward. Percy, it's-

Edward: It's exactly what it looks like.

Toby: EDWARD!!!!

-There were too many times where Edward kept on swearing whenever he messed up. There was even a whole ass video about it on YouTube. Charlie Sand posted that one as a joke and he almost got put on a tombstone by an angry and grumpy Edward.

-Henrietta lost it when she heard Toby screaming in "Hasty Hannah" when he was going down the hill.

-Toby: Henrietta, I thought that you weren't going to laugh at me while I was going down the hill with Hannah.....Why?...... I feel betrayed.....

Henrietta: Sorry my dear, but it was too hilarious to not to.

-Henry falling into the lake headfirst wasn't supposed to happen in the episode but the writers kept it anyways because Henry spitting out the water was funny.

-In the scene of TATMR, where Toby is giggling at Diesel 10 and Splodge when they got stuck, Edward came out of nowhere and picked Toby onto his shoulder and started running off the set.

- Thomas straight up said "FUCK YOU" to Diesel 10 when he fell off of the bridge and into the barge.

-Edward slapped James in the face when James was supposed to give Edward his iconic smug expression.

-Toby literally messed up his lines 15 times when Phillip accidently called him "Dad" on set.

I am thinking about actor au where the engines themselves are filming the Thomas & Friends tv show. Specifically the blooper reel of engines messing up or forgetting their lines, coming to a stop too late and completely passing through the shot, giggling uncontrollably at something it takes about 11 tries before they can finish the scene, pulling faces in the background, Stanley popping up in scenes he's not meant to,

[jaehyunzzmilk]

why does everybody think we fucked?

pairing: mark lee x reader (best friends to lovers)

word count: 2.2 k

genre: SMUT

summary: the sexual tension of having a best friend who is always flirting with you and all of your friends think you are dating already, in one of your movie nights you can't help it anymore after the dirty talking

notes: so mark is getting into me lately, I've been just a whore for him and decided to write this quick oneshot, honestly I totally see him doing something like that , imagine having him as your best friend, but anyway hope you enjoy it

warnings: alcohol, fingering, oral (male and female receiving), 69, light spanking, unprotected sex, penetration, choking, cum play, orgasm denial, anal (female receiving), dom mark, sub reader

Cold snowy day in New York City, you and your best friend Mark are in your penthouse making drinks getting ready for an Netflix session.

Mark gets a text from Haechan and laughs.

"- They're jealous because I'm not hanging out with them right now"

"What are they saying?" You ask.

"- Well, they think we are… Netflix and chill you know?"

"But aren't we?" You grab another bottle of wine.

"- No I mean..." He lets a typical high-pitched laugh out "- like, really Netflix and chill, nevermind..."

"Why does everybody think we fucked anyway?"

You and Mark were very close. Your friendship started very naturally, since the first day you were introduced by mutual friends, minutes later you were already joking around and it was like you knew each other for a very long time. Mark liked you because you were very easy going and he felt super comfortable around you. He was your male version and you were his female version. Also he was very overprotective with guys around you and since you both had a flirty personality and were always hugging and touchy people assumed you had something more going on.

"- Well you kinda don't help with the last picture you posted on your instagram stories"

The picture indeed was a very "couple" thing where you took a picture of Mark in a coffee shop you were before and wrote 'date'.

"Bitch, you reposted!" you give him a playful slap.

"- I'm not complaining tho" he holds your arm and puts you closer and hugs you. With his head on your neck he says "- and I'd be really mad if you did that with your other guy friends"

"Ugh you're such a Leo Mark Lee!"

Honestly both of you never did anything to deny the rumors. You liked him to be clingy and touchy with you and he was gorgeous.

Mark struggles trying to open the wine bottle while you laugh and make another video to post on your instagram stories.

"Ok what are we watching? Horror, comedy?" You both grab the wine and go to the couch to snuggle in a blanket.

"- We could watch this drama called Nevertheless that everyone is talking about" Mark says while grabbing your legs and putting on top of his.

"Since when do you watch dramas?" You take a sip of your wine.

"- No but seriously I heard people saying this one is good, it's not only that corny romance shit!"

"Ok then!"

You turn on the drama and cuddle on his lap. Neither of you were fans of kdramas but Mark was right, this one was different than the normal plot of 'rich guy who falls in love with the normal girl and they only hold hands until the last episodes' in fact it had some quick make out scenes that were hotter than the usual. In the first make out scene Mark takes his whole glass of wine and his cheeks get red.

"Are you ok?" You laugh.

"- Yeah, yeah it's just… fuck I need to get laid" He puts his head back.

"Really? What about the girl from Jeno's birthday?"

"- That doesn't count, it seems like I was having sex with a starfish if you know what I mean"

"Oh my god! Ok, enough with the oversharing"

"- What about you tho?" He pours more wine into both of your glasses and looks at you.

"After the last guy I fucked didn't even eat me out and nutted in 5 minutes I'm just so done with guys"

Mark almost spits his wine.

"- I'm sorry for laughing, but if it makes you feel any better the starfish girl didn't know how to do a blowjob as well so, cheers to our boring sex lives" "Cheers" You drink the wine, you were getting tipsy. Mark passes his fingers on your waist while you try to focus on the drama, all that cuddling, alcohol and romantic scenes were making you feel horny.

"So since we're talking about it... what would you have liked her to do it? The starfish girl"

"- You mean like..." He laughs.

"You know exactly what I mean, I know you're kinky as fuck, so don't pretend you're not. What are you into?" You say drinking more wine.

He stares at you and passes his hand on his neck.

"- Well umm… I like when girls start slow and then I like to be in control so I would fuck her face until she cries and cum in her mouth." You swallow hard looking at him, he doesn't stop the eye contact "- then I would eat her out really good and every time she was about to cum I would stop making her beg for it..." You feel your panties getting wet by imagining it "then I would have fuck her so hard in every corner of the house it would be hard for her to walk on the next day"

Since you're on his lap you can feel he is hard cock under his sweatpants, and you decide to tease him and press your butt against his bulge. When you do that his hand that is still on your waist grabs your skin hard and goes up until your breast. "What about you baby girl? What you're into?" He starts to play with your nipple, you were wearing a thin lace bra so you got sensitive very easy.

"I like it rough!" You roll your hips into his bulge. "- Fuck!" He says.

You can't hold it anymore and you roll over on top on him and you kiss him. He grabs your butt pressing your core against his bulge, you grind against his clothed dick getting more friction. You let out a moan and you kiss Mark's neck, giving him a hickey. He groans and helps you to take off your clothes.

You go down on him and stop at the elastic waist of his briefs. You can see the precum already leaking under the fabric and you kiss his clothed tip. After taking off his briefs you take his cock with your hand and give it a lick on his length until the tip, he moans and puts his head back on the couch. You spread the precum on his length with your hand and start jerking him off slowly, then you put his tip on your mouth and sucks the head of his dick. You keep moving your hand up and down working on what doesn't fit in your mouth, you let out a moan and the vibration makes Mark whine. You slow down, take it out of your mouth and lick the end of his length right in the middle of his balls, then you put one in your mouth and suck it. "Fuck y/n". Your hands still pumping him, after sucking his balls you spit on his length and puts his dick between your boobs, bouncing up and down. You can see he is getting close when his dick starts pulsing. He grabs your hair into a ponytail and put his length back in your mouth, he gains speed and makes you gag. "You're gonna swallow it all, right baby girl?" You moan, tears coming down of your eyes but Mark doesn't stop. He moans and cums in your mouth, you do as it says and swallow it.

Mark grabs you and you lay on the couch. Legs spreading, he opens the lips of your pussy slowly making your back arch, then he slaps your clit. You whine. He starts licking your labia in circle motions then up and down until your clit, while he kisses your clit he inserts one finger into you. You grab his hair. He inserts another finger and goes faster. "Fuck, right there" You scream. When your leg starts shaking and you're about to cum he stops. "Mark!" You whine. "What's wrong baby?" He comes up kissing your stomach until your breasts, then he sucks your nipple. "- Sorry, what do you want? I didn't hear you" He says while pressing his thumb on your clit. You moan and he keeps kissing your boobs. He starts fingering you again. You scream in pleasure. "Mark..." he bites your lower lip. "Please let me cum!" you kiss him back, his thumb presses your clit, and he goes down on you again. Your whole body shakes when he fingers you and licks your pussy at the same time, you grab his hair and cums in his mouth.

"Mark I need you inside me" You say. He spreads your legs and enters you with no warning. "- Fuck you're so tight" you moan trying to get used to his size, still very sensitive from your orgasm but Mark doesn't care, he pounds rentless into you, his thrusts were deep, hitting your g-spot. You cross your legs against his making him go harder than he already was, and you press your nails into his muscles. One of Mark's hands goes to your chin while the other is holding your waist, he grabs your chin and puts his thumb on your mouth, you suck it "You said you liked it rough right?" he looks deep into your eyes and you nod. He removes his thumb from your mouth and chokes you. You press your nails harder on him and throw your head back loving the way he is choking you while pounding into you faster. Mark was moaning as well, when you thought he was gonna let your neck go he pressed harder. Your tits are bouncing with each thrust. You feel your pussy tightening around his cock as your second orgasm approaches. He let go of your neck and pressed his fingers on your clit, rubbing it hard. You are moaning so loud when you come on his cock, he kisses you while you're still moaning. Mark pulls out of you to kiss you, suppressing your moans "- Let me cum on those pretty tits" he says. You're still shaking from your orgasm, cum leaking out of your pussy. He gets on his knees and pumps his dick hard, you press your boobs together while Mark lets out a high moan and cums on them.

He kisses you again, tongue fighting for dominance "Let's go to my room". He grabs you in his arms, you don't break the kiss until you arrive in your room. On your bed, Mark lays down and you position yourself to sit on his face, he grabs your tights and impatiently pulls you down. He starts licking slowly from your lips to your clit, you moan in response. While he keeps sucking your folds you go down on him and wrap your mouth around his cock, he lets out a groan with the vibrations of your moans. You keep bobbing your head up and down and start to grind against his face. He pushes his tongue in your entrance making you scream in pleasure. You pull off from his cock and spit on his balls, then you start licking and massaging them with one hand, while the other works on his length. "Fuck" he curses.

Room filled with the wet noises of your moans, getting sloppier every time, when Mark realizes you're getting close he stops and give a slap on your ass and moves his finger to your butthole, you whine "- Have you ever tried anal?" You take his member out of your mouth "Only once" He circles his finger on your hole "Wanna try it again?"

"Fuck!"You moan, you get off him and go get the lube on your drawer. You give him the lube and get on all fours. Marks puts a good amount of lube on his fingers and sliding on your hole. He positions himself and pushes it slowly to not hurt you. As soon as you get used to the feeling he goes faster and fucks you deeply, both of you moaning in pleasure. He gives your ass another slap and holds your hips to be in control of the strokes. You basically scream when his hand go to your clit rubbing in circles. "Oh my god Mark" your whole body is shaking with the sensation and you squirt on his hand, Mark curses and releases hot spurts of cum inside of you.

You both collapse on your bed, you're breathing heavily trying to recover from all of that.

"- That was so hot!" Mark says "I needed that, fuck" you say.

"- Wait, let me clean you up!" He gets up and go to the bathroom to get some tissues, he gently cleans you up and then kisses you. It was more than the pleasure to you, you could stay there kissing him for hours.

"Can I ask you a question?" You say. "- Sure."

"What was the first thing you thought when you saw me for the first time?"

"- I thought you were beautiful, and not like… just beautiful, but you know I said to myself 'wow that girl is something else' and then I thought it was so cute how you grabbed the cola I was drinking to take a sip, then you looked me in the eye, I was kinda in love I swear"

"So I guess we're up with the rumors now!" You laugh. "I'm kinda hungry, is there any snack left?"

"- I can't wait for dessert after, if you know what I mean".

[shotthemessenger]

Pranking Him 💌

Pairing Tenjiku Ran x Black Prankster Reader

Reader & Ran → 18+ - Pranks will take place at home

Pranks are:

Whispering "daddy" in his ear and then walking away

Calling him by someone else's name to see his reaction.

Both will be written on this post!

Warnings: Suggestive

Genre: Fluff, Comedy

Enjoy :>

[Whispering daddy in his ear then walking away]

So, while your lovely boyfriend sat in the living room playing video games that you, shouldn't have, introduced him to. You were in your room talking with your friends. "So what should I do to prank him today girls and gays?" It was all a discord call on your laptop. You were getting suggestions when one caught your eye. "What about teasing him and walking away? Since he's always messing with you why don't you mess with him?"

"Dude... That's a good idea!" You giggled at your inside joke. When he leaves the room for the bathroom you sneak in, setting your phone and gopro up. You set your phone as recording and gopro for streaming. When he came back in you put your plan in action. "Hey babe!" You surprised him while his eyes drifted from the screen to you. "Hey baby, kiss?" He asked, giving him one before turning back around.

You started unbraiding his hair and raking your fingers through it. Once you finished, you leaned over and whispered "hey daddy~" in his ear the detaching yourself from him. His head whipped around so fast and he threw the remote, scaring the crap out of you. "Huh? Oi what are you doing? You don't just say that then run. Who do you think you are."

"Your girlfriend. Maybe you should pay more attention to me and then you could get some." You winked. Oh how bold your were. He quickly snatched you up and pinned you to the couch. Before he could say anything you are a ruckus. "WAIT WAIT WAIT I'M RECORDING! THIS IS STREAMING!" He paused and looked at the screen and saw the phone and gopro. "People are seeing this? On what?" He asked while looking backs and forth from the electronics to you. "Discord. They'll ban me if we do anything like this."

You lied, they'd probably watch and then comment on it. "I don't care." He stated bluntly and started kissing on your neck while you squeezed his hands. "Baby, bae, babe. We can't do this right now!" You mumbled softly. He sighed and got up off you. "Turn it off. We are still doing it babe." You rolled your eyes and got up. He attached himself to your back and waddled with you to the rooms and once you left the call, he picked you up and brought you right back to the front.

He put you right back into the same position, kissing your neck again, this time you had no problem with it. Your hands squeezed his and this time he squeezed back softly.

"I love you, [reader]"

[Calling him by someone else's name to see his reaction.]

Ok ok, so you know, you KNOW, that he would kill someone. And being that you don't want him going on a rampage, you use Rindou's name for the prank, and you prayed the best for him. You were currently home alone but you knew that he would be home soon so you set up in the kitchen and when he came in close you started recording.

His brother was with him, which made things a little sticky, but you thought about when he ate your Klondike bars that one time and now you wanna get back at him. When Ran came up behind you, he tickled your neck with his kisses, making you giggle. "Rin- Ran stop!" He did stop. In fact he turned you around. Rindou had spit out his drink in confusion watching this shit unfold and whether or not he had to run for his life. "Oi oi, what'd you just call me?"

"I called you Ran." He chuckled softly and shook his head before he stared into your eyes. His were empty and intense. His grip on your waist tightened and you could feel his nails dig into your skin but you were too focused on his gaze to notice. "No. You called me Rin. Baby don't tell me you're cheating on me with my brother. My brother, love." You winced and kept your stance but the pain was a little too much. "Ran stop she's bleeding, it's a prank."

Rin grabs his hands and separate them from your waist. He was still serious and didn't believe him. "Look, her phone is recording, it's another TikTok idiot. Go clean her up or I will." He said smacking his older brother in the head while you grab your phone. You stopped the recording and put it back. "Come one bae, let's go. You jealous prick." You roll your eyes, dragging him along as he stays quiet. It's silent as he's on his knees wrapping the bandages around your stomach.

You pat his head and he looks up at you, triggering your hand to slip down to his cheek. "Hey sugar, you good?" Blush was visible on his face, he liked that. He really liked that, what you just did, this view, he really likes it. "I'm alright darling, I should be asking you that." He responds, taking your hand in his. The atmosphere enlivened between the two of you. "I'm just fine, my love." The reddening of his cheeks said it all, bringing about a wider smile.

"Let's' go cuddle, yeah?"

[jicklet]

That post about Jane and Beard warning signs got me thinking further about how Ted Lasso the show itself is almost through the lens of an unreliable narrator? We're so used to media directing us how to feel through how it's framed and the music and character reactions, etc etc. This is a happy moment that we are endorsing, this is a bad moment and you should feel bad.

But like... All of Nate's warning flag moments that have built up to where he is now, they were all framed pretty triumphantly. His speech to the players where he starts insulting them to get his points across and everyone just cheers him on, calling Rebecca a shrew but it getting immediately glossed over with his promotion. Even him spitting at the mirror and whistling rudely for his parents was framed as a moment of, Yay Nate being assertive!

At the time, those moments bothered me, but I'm just so used to comic relief characters getting flanderized and becoming assholes for the lulz when they used to be more sweet, I brushed it off (for season 1 anyway). That's just what happens in a comedy, a bit fast but oh well.

But now we're starting to see those moments escalate until they're not ignorable anymore. Nate going off on Will at the end of the episode isn't treated like a joke, and it hits hard.

Same thing with Beard and Jane. Oh, Beard lost Jane at the gala because he was too into chess over her, haha. Oh she went back to him because he was assertive and she thought his passion was hot, haha they're so dramatic. But now that we're seeing the darker side of that relationship it's like, did you notice she stopped their chess game right as he was about to win? That when Beard hurt his best friend (with the truth he needed but with yelling and storming off) she had nothing but approval?

Were you paying attention and interpreting on your own, or just taking as fact the story as it was presented to you?

[barzzal]

between halls and thin walls → part three

summary: friends who fool around almost never work. almost.

↳ pairing: mathew barzal x you

↳ warnings: fingering, fem and male receiving, mentions of pornography, sexual/suggestive themes, swearing, mat not knowing how to eat pussy, anddd too much sneaking around i’m hating myself for it

↳ genre: fluff, angst, smut, roommates au, best friend’s best friend, friends with benefits, 18+

↳ length: series; part one, part two, part three (8.6k), part four, part five, part six

↳ masterlist: the barn

↳ track: god is fair, sexy nasty, cinderella, planet god damn by mac miller

note: so sorry for the wait! have been a lot busier with uni :(( took weeks for me to finally sit down and write on my laptop to finish this aaaah anw here’s the update and i’m making it up to yall i hope you like!! happy reading babies <3

“Wait–” you break off, your fingers already weaving through his ever so gorgeous hair. 

“What about Tito?” you fret.

You’re sure there was at least a hint of annoyance in his voice. Possibly irked that you had to ruin the one thing you both have been craving for for weeks.

“He won’t come home, trust me.” he says, lips already making its way back to touch your skin, nestling on your jawline, before trailing down to the intricate line of your neck, his movement hasty with a sense of hunger and urgency. 

You didn’t mind. It felt good. 

“Okay– no. Let’s stop this for a sec.” you try to snap out of it, pushing him away but just enough to keep him within arms reach. You rest both your hands on his broad shoulders whilst he rests his on your hips, just a few inches above your ass. 

“We need to clear things out.” you start, eyes lingering on his irises, making you wet your lips at the sight. 

“Didn’t we clear things out thrice now?” he quirks his brows, “And it kinda looks like we’re about to clear the same thing for the fourth time. What’s not clear about it?” Mat kids, half laughing as he lets you punch him playfully, “I’m not kidding, Barz.” you say, clearing your throat. 

You didn’t mind for any of his double entendres but you did mind the fact that whatever’s about to happen tonight is bound to tip the scales of whatever it was that you were having with Mathew.

“Fine. Let’s talk,” he agrees. He walks towards the bed just as he began pulling his shirt off over his head to undress himself.

“Mathew!” you call him yet again, earning yourself a defensive shrug from him, “What? We’re gonna have sex either way might as well talk while we’re at it, right?” he counters, “Now, take your clothes off.”

Regardless of being annoyed at him for acting like an unreasonable child engaging in too much banter, you let out a laugh in disbelief, letting Mathew’s quirks have a hold on you. You roll your eyes out but do as you’re told and begin taking your shirt off which you then throw his way. 

Mat whistles, a smirk sprouting off his lips, evidently in awe of how good you looked half-naked, “Wow.”

You cock up a smirk and shrug to play it off, “Well, you’re not so bad yourself.” you turn the compliment back which Mat only reciprocated with a taunting wink, brushing his shoulder briefly like an idiot.

“So. How do you want to play this?” you inquire.

“Naked, I hope.” he laughs, putting his sweats off revealing nothing but his boxers on. When he sees you roll your eyes, yet again, almost wondering if you’re going to bawl it out at any moment, Mat clears his throat and decides to dial down his terrible jokes. 

“Fine. Let’s just say we’re doing ‘Friends with Benefits’ or, you know, what was that movie again?” he thinks for a second, snapping his fingers as he gathers a few romantic comedies he’s seen in the past. “No Strings Attached! The one with Natalie Portman! Yeah, that’s the one.” he marvels.

You look at him quite stunned that he’s familiar with these movies. “Wow. I thought you guys are just into full-on pornography and sports.” 

“Hey!” he retorts, defending himself at once, “I’m speaking your language, dumbass. And for the record, I don’t like porn.” with that, you let out a loud laugh accompanied by a scoff, obviously not buying any of his lies. To which Mat jumps to defend himself the moment he sees the mocking look in your eyes, “What?? Not all men likes pornography, y/n.”

With both hands on your hips, you arch your brow at him and reply with a revolting grin, “First rule, no lying. I wasn’t born last night, Barzal.”

“Fine. I don’t like it like it.” he points out just as he averts your gaze, “But I’m certainly not against it. Those girls need to make a living, y/n.” 

You meet his cocky remark with an exasperated sigh, “You’re such a pig.” 

Mat answers with a shrug, letting your judgmental glares slide, “Call me names, I don’t care. You’re the one sleeping with a pig.”

And as if it had been expected all along, it didn’t take long for the both of you to end up in bed, wearing nothing but your skin, breathing in each other’s breaths, gasping as you let yourselves let loose with the company of a friend.

Mathew marvels at the sight of your heaving chest whilst his head was wedged in between your thighs, going on endless circles as he nibbles on your clit, perhaps trying a little too hard to make you meet your high. 

What the fuck is he doing? is probably what every girl has asked herself when a man goes down on her thinking that he already got her all figured out. 

Mathew knew what he was doing to be fair. He was there. For the most part. His fingers were nothing but magic but his mouth was a different subject. It was almost as if he was overachieving something. Kind of like the way he does during plays that would eventually cause them the game. 

He’s in his head a little too much. That’s for sure. You didn’t want to ruin the moment so you decide to let it slide and put on your best suit. After all, it wasn’t the first time you had to fake your sexual orgasms. You weren’t entirely surprised though. Half of the men you’ve gone out with didn’t know shit about eating pussy. And Mat was pretty, at least he had that going on for him.

You bit your lower lip, trying to suppress the fact that you weren’t enjoying it. Mat was doing all sorts of things at once and it was all too much. Too much that you’d rather finish the job yourself than have someone licking your region like a fucking chew toy.

As much as you didn’t want to, you arch your back and let out a fake moan, curling your fingers on the sheets, the other tugging on Mat’s hair, staging the perfect scene Mat had wanted to see. He emerges from below and hovers on top of you with a proud grin on his face, oblivious of the dramatic pin you’ve successfully put into the night. 

“And that, my friend,” he smirks, “is how you do it.”

Oh, believe me, it is not. You try to smile, “Hm. It’s that easy, huh?” 

“Well, yeah. Think of it like a scrimmage.” he says as he starts to pepper kisses on your cheeks, his hands roaming around your body, compensating for what his mouth missed. “Or a shootout even.”

“I’m thinking no.” you deny, “Rule two, if talking hockey is your definition of dirty talk, you better zip it.” you stress out as you prop your leg around his waist in order for you to move on top of him. 

Mat chuckles, trying to mask how much he longed to feel your mouth envelop his member. There hasn’t been a day where the image of you sucking his length didn’t enter his mind. It didn’t matter where he was. Whether he was in the shower, on the road with the boys, leaving for practice, or just tying his skates. He wanted nothing more than to look down at you as your little tears revolt to escape your doe eyes whilst you take him whole. Indeed, it was a sight for Mathew. And god knows how much he’s willing to give just to see it again. 

You spit just as you kiss the tip of his shaft, stroking his length in a circular motion to spread your saliva on his cock before you proceed on pressing gentle kisses on his head; edging him for not letting you cum— unconsciously wanting him to know how to give a goddamn head the right way. 

You patiently went your way as you began taking him in your mouth, inching down his thickness without breaking off of his dark and lustful gaze. Mat rests his head on the headboard, his breathing growing heavy and hoarse whilst he watches his dick be consumed by your hollowing cheeks, sucking the life out of him. 

“Fuck. You’re so good.” he groans, pulling your hair with his free hand before guiding you further down his dick. “Yeah, that’s it.”

Flattered by his praises which you find undeniably hot, you pop him out of your mouth, letting all your spit drip onto it just before gathering it back once you start licking him underneath, sucking on his balls as your tongue goes on little circles, playing with it for a while before letting it go with a loud pop. 

You watch Mat lose his mind with every movement you make but you know full well not to let him come in your mouth. It’s bad enough you didn’t get to come the first time he tried tonight. You won’t have yourself seeing the light of day high and dry while Mat gets to doze off the second you leave for his door. 

You climb on top of him. Mat was rather quick to let his hands find its way to your hips, your pussy sitting on his flat stomach just enough to let him know how wet you still are for him in spite of not getting the fun you’ve wanted for your own. 

“Where’s the rubber?” you ask him. Mat props himself quickly and carefully shifts towards his bedside table. You feel him on your back, poking on your skin whilst he pulls out one of the drawers. He fishes a wrapped condom straight from the box which he then swiftly opens with his teeth, motioning for you to get off of him first so he could get settled. 

“Ready?” you ask him, “Ready.” 

Mat rolls over and secures you in between his hands resting on both sides of your head. You feel his head poking against your abdomen as he finally takes his shaft to rub it in between you far too moistened slit just before he takes the plunge and dive deep.

“So,” you struggle to find the words as Mat finally starts making up for his loss a while ago. Your fingers envelop his nape, digging on his skin as you let himself adjust inside you. Stretching you whole with barely half his dick pushing through you.  Thank god this was one of the many things Mat definitely did not suck at. 

“Wanna walk me through this whole set up?” 

Mathew groans, his chest hard against yours as he pumps inside you at a steady pace; one that was pleasurably slow. One that had you closing your eyes whilst you let your head sink into his pillows. 

Despite working his way on tending to too many things at once, with his thumb brushing on one of your nipples, his lips attached to your earlobes, and his free hand secured on your hips, Mat whispers in your ear. “It’s like what we’ve agreed on that night.” he breathes heavily, his mind trailing off to that night momentarily before he speaks again, “We’re friends.”

“And?” you whine as you feel his wet lips brush briefly on your sensitive skin just enough to send chills up your spine, making you crave more of his touch; a grave wanting kindling inside your gut like fire.

“Friends…” he repeats in between kisses, “who likes to do this.” his lips travel from the corner of your lips and onto your jaw line. He then lets himself pull away just so he could look you in the eye, all whilst maintaining both your bodies moving in sync as you follow his lead. 

“You do know that things like this almost never work, right?” you honestly say, telling him the very same thing you’ve told him when you first crossed the line and threw everything you’ve progressively built with him throughout the years of being Anthony’s best friends. 

“Almost is good enough for me.” he counters with a husky voice, feeling constrained by how tight your pussy was around him. It had been a while and Mat was going insane just by thinking about how your cunt was made exactly for him. It was absurd for him to think such a thing but he would not deny the sensation coursing through his veins as if sex had become something entirely new to him. That you have miraculously been able to paint something far better than what he’s already gotten used to for who knows how long; luring him into the worst kind of addiction he could get himself into.  And although Mathew wanted to hate himself that it had to happen with you, he knew he couldn’t. 

“Let’s not have secrets,” he suggests. You raise both your brows, quite intrigued that he requested such a thing. “We’re not that close to have secrets, Barzal.” you remind him. 

“Exactly!” he cheers, voice briefly rising as you let out a moan escape when he pushes himself deeper through your heated walls. Mat hurriedly locks your mouth with his, swallowing all your moans before continuing with his case. 

“That’s the point. We’re not that close so we shouldn’t be keeping anything from each other. You tell me everything. Good or bad, and I’ll do the same.” 

You shoot him a questioning look, pushing him briefly so you could position yourself on top of him. Your action was very much well-received on Mathew’s end and it’s amazing how he’s able to lift you close to his torso before the two of you roll over the switch-game without letting his dick slip out of you. 

“Are you saying we’re going to be in a relationship? You’re way over your head, mister.” you laugh because it was exactly what it sounded. At least for you.

Mat rolls his eyes as he takes a pillow to support his back. His hands then roamed from your thighs before settling to cage your hips to lock it with his, “First of all, bold of you to assume that’s ever gonna happen.” 

You scoff.

“Second, it’s more of a mutual agreement and definitely less than a relationship.” he points out to reiterate that having said ‘relationship’ with you was the last thing he wanted. 

Your hands take rest atop his chest as you start working on rocking your hips at a gentle pace; the kind that had Mathew at a loss for words for a moment, his body taking over his mind as your physique towers all over him. Mathew meets you halfway while you do most of the work. He angles himself forward so as to reach for your tits, his mouth latching on one of your buds, thirsty like a newborn child. Your fingers find their way to his tousled hair, its disheveled state unbelievably making him much more difficult to resist. 

The two of you worked each of your own highs whilst you rock each other’s bodies. Exchanging moans and groans thrown carelessly throughout the room. You were all over Mathew as much as he was with you. His strong and capable hands that moved so well on your body, made you crave for more. Mathew took control of the pace now, his arms embracing your waist closer to his body that no amount of spatial space could ever be perceived by either of you.

“Come for me.” Mat orders, voice almost inaudible as he was chasing his own, the moment he feels you throb rapidly around him, fluttering like butterflies while he watches you shut your eyes. Just like that, you finally reach the ecstasy you’ve been longing for the whole night; one that was specifically shut down by Mathew’s stale mouth.

You let Mat take over. He orders you to turn your back against him before he pulls you rapidly close to his front, your ass perked up close to his skin. His mouth leaves fashioned bites on your neck whilst he held you firmly by your forearm. Mathew begins pounding on you hard from behind, his sharp and abrupt movements painting bruises you know will show up the next morning. 

You were all over the place and you didn’t care. It was messy, it was loud. The sound Mathew’s lips leave on your skin, his balls banging against your pussy, your moans— his groans. Everything was off the record book but neither of you wanted to stop. 

With one final thrust, you feel his body grow all the more rigid behind you. Mathew’s hand was wrapped firmly around your neck whilst he caught his breath. 

“You good back there, bud?” you ask, chuckling. 

“Oh, shut up.” he says, finally letting you go. 

The two of you gather yourselves. Mat discards the wrapper and offers to clean up after the mess he’d made but you profusely decline. 

“I’m not your girlfriend. You don’t have to take care of me.” you tell him with a strong suit as you begin picking up your clothes. 

“I know–” he cuts himself off when he sees you getting into your pants, “Where are you going?” he questions. 

“Rule four. No staying the night.” you point out, grabbing your sweatshirt from the floor. “You come to my room, I come to yours, but that’s that. No more, no less.” you add. 

Mathew looks stunned. Obviously on board with how well you were taking things so easily. 

“Alright then, buddy.” he strides his way towards his bed still naked. 

“We don’t speak about any of this in the morning.” you warn him for you know how the three of you tend to leave the house almost at the same exact time as each other. Meaning that this new setup of yours is bound to be much difficult if you let anything slip off your hold. 

Mathew runs his fingers on his lips as if to zip it before he jumps on the bed, already reaching for his phone that was on his bedside table so he could check the gram.

You were just on your way out of his door when he called you one last time, a teasing smile creeping on his lips, “What’s rule five?”

“No funny business.” you say at once. You look at him one last time with your own teasing smile to mock him from across the room, “No strings attached.” you say, repeating how he used the movie as a reference from a while back before finally disappearing into the hall. 

𖥸

Who would have known agreeing to such a set up would mean getting laid almost every chance you get?

It had been a few weeks since you and Mat committed to your foolish escapades after sorting out your mutual agreement. Said escapades involve a handful of times of you driving over to the Coli to pick him up right after his morning skate and get off the back of your car. It wasn’t that big of a deal being that Mathew usually rides with Anthony for work. Of course, there were also times where you would call him into your office just to grab a quick lunch. On those times you always make sure to leave out at least half an hour or so before going home to avoid unnecessary suspicions from Tito and you and Mathew have been mindful so as not to let him notice anything. 

Mat had mentioned how he was already looking for a place nearer to yours and Tito’s but farther than his previous complex. The place was half an hour less than the travelling time Tito had to drive to from when they used to ride together going home. And now that you were officially friends and more than just acquaintances, Mat has asked you to come and see the place with him. 

You took a lift on your way to Mat’s and let’s just say, that for a man with a whopping 21M at his disposal, the building was grand but it wasn’t as boujee as you’ve expected. It might’ve been your lack of a better judgement but Mathew just didn’t seem to be the kind of guy who would be smart when it comes to his finances. You’ve always thought that he was the kind to splurge on things whenever he gets the chance. Although much to your surprise, just like everyone else, he was a simple man. 

You knock on the door a few times before you hear the familiar footsteps nearing the front door. 

“Hey,”  a signature grin welcomes you. He opens the door wider and invites you in. “Took you long enough.”

“Well, I had better things to do, Barzal.” you retort as you start to scan the vicinity. 

The flat had floor to ceiling windows so the surroundings were well lit. You were making your way further when you noticed a few sealed boxes laying around what you assumed to be where the living space was going to be. 

“I thought you were just looking?” you ask, brows furrowed in confusion whilst you look back at him, pointing on the storages with your thumb. 

As expected, the entire apartment was painted in white and beige tones. Pretty much like every Islander’s home you’ve been to. It was quite spacious just like his former home. That being said, spacious doesn’t necessarily mean ‘good’ sometimes. For one thing, it didn’t feel home to you. It felt like a cage with huge-ass windows overlooking a scenery you can’t even lay your hand on. You keep your thoughts to yourself, not wanting to ruin Mat’s excitement for the place. Sure enough, it’ll all come together once he gets settled. 

Mat walks towards you, taking a deep breath. “I was. But the offer was really good so I figured signing the lease right away would be a smart move.” he explains. When he sees your gaze trail off onto the boxes again, Mat feels the need to reassure you that he wasn’t going to move out of your apartment just yet. 

“I won’t be moving in for another month or two, just to be clear. Those are just some stuff I didn’t want hogging all the space at home.” he says candidly pertaining to your apartment as his home, not even realizing the weight he had tied to his words. 

You were quick to dismiss your own unsolicited thoughts and carried on with the semi-tour Mat was starting to indulge you with. “Are you sure you’re gonna live here alone? Feels like a whole penthouse up here.” you honestly say, half-laughing as you make way towards the hallway. 

“Yeah. I mean, it would be great for when the team comes over.” he says as he follows your tracks. “The penthouse is actually two floors above mine though.”

You roll your eyes at his subtle remark, “Why’d you made me come here anyway?”

And as if Mat had remembered the task he originally had in mind, he walks right past you to lead the way. “I want your opinion on something.” 

“Really? What is it?” you inquire, following after his footsteps. Mat stops and opens a door leading to what you assume is the master bedroom. Situated at the center of the fairly spacious room is a california king sized bed, waiting patiently to be slept on. 

Mat looks back at you and says, “D’you think it’s any good?” 

He lets you roam around the place, setting yourself down on the foot of the bed. “Bed’s nice actually.” you tell him and you stand at once to look more of his semi-furnished room. 

“How nice is it exactly? Like, nice to sleep on or nice to not get any at all?” you turn around, rolling your eyes at his sleazy innuendos. “You’re such a tool. You really made me come all the way here to get me tied down this bed?” 

Mat only answers with a shrug. An adorable one to be exact. “What? That’s what friends are for, y/n. Now, come on. Test the bed with me.” he says, taking your hand at once before you could even answer. He lets himself fall onto the bed as he caught your weight in his arms, your bodies dangerously close to each other, feeling your own body temperatures. 

His hands roam around your clothed physique just as he starts to cage you in a well heated kiss. Your lips dance with his, letting his tongue slip whenever he gets the chance, nibbling on your tongue as the two of you enjoy exchanging your own take on what house warming gifts are supposed to look like. 

Mat’s hands were already gripping on the curve of your ass when the sound of your and Mathew’s kisses were stopped by a sudden knock on the door. Your hand immediately trailed down from Mat’s nape to his chest, “Are you expecting someone?”, he thinks for a second, both of his hands still secured on your bottoms.

“Oh!” he gasps upon remembering who could it possibly be, “It’s probably my realtor. He’s picking some stuff up, I’ll go get it.” he says, propping himself up as a cue for you to get off of him. 

“Would you mind getting the door? I’ll be quick, I promise.” he adds, looking back at you as he steps out of the room, heading for the other side of the hallway. He speaks in an apologetic tone, feeling sorry for having to cut off the purpose of your visit. So, in an effort to let him know he had nothing to worry about, you shake your head as you finish straightening the wrinkles off your work clothes. 

“No, it’s all right, I got it.” you give him a reassuring smile.

You gladly make your way towards the door, not even bothering to look through the hole. You hand enveloped the cold metal, swinging the door wide open, leaving yourself not a chance at escape as soon as your eyes landed on those all too familiar big blue ones you’ve known all your life.

“Y/N?” a puzzled expression was all you could make out of Tito’s face. You tried stumbling for a few words in the hopes of calming your already racing heart impending to escape your chest at any moment. 

“What are you doing here?” he asks in utmost bewilderment. You were still in shock being that you’ve never lied to Anthony before since he’s the only one you’ve told everything to most of the time. Having him here, clearly unexpected, has evidently thrown you off guard.

You maintain your gaze at him and throw the same question back, “What are you doing here?”

“Mat and I are going out with Mikey and Noah for drinks.” he answers quickly so he could throw the ball your way, “You didn’t answer me. I didn’t know you knew about this place already?” he furrows his brows, looking over your shoulder to get a glimpse of his best mate. 

“Uhm. Mat called me to discuss a few things. Showed me some stuff too.” you nervously say, tip toeing on the fact that what you just told him wasn’t entirely a lie. You open the door all the way and finally let him in. Your knuckles were wrapped hard around the cold metal knob, wishing that Mat would come out to the room to save your ass. 

You must have gotten on a wrong foot and told Tito a lie that’s bound to invite more suspecting queries.

“Really? What stuff?” 

His bed, where he was just about to defile me on. 

Thankfully, Mat walks out the open room holding an envelope in his hand, immediately halting his tracks the moment he sees Anthony looking straight at him. 

“Beau! What–” he tries to remain composed, but you know Tito would definitely pick up on something just by how pale Mat’s face was. Dead and cold like someone who had seen a ghost for the first time. 

“What— am I doing here?” Anthony finishes Mat’s question just as he turns his gaze back at you. You try to avert his gaze but you figured it’s best not to. You need to go before him strong and level headed. The last thing you and Mathew want is to get caught in the act by no other than the last person you want to know about it. 

“What?” He laughs, brushing Tito’s biting tone off. “I know why you’re here, silly.” he tries to search in his head momentarily, but when he takes long enough, Tito answers it for him. “Drinks, man. You texted me for drinks.”

“Oh– yeah, no. I knew that.” he breathes out an uneasy laugh. 

“Why is Y/N here? I didn’t know you guys hung out? The last time I checked you can’t even last in the same room without slashing each other’s throats.” he smirks.

Surprisingly, Mat was fast enough to come up with quite a clever way to sway Anthony from his inkling suspicions. One that made sense, but not necessarily helpful in your end. “Psh. That?” Mat throws a hand towards your way, dismissing your presence in his unfurnished apartment, “She told me she needs money so I hired her to move my boxes for me. She even insisted on listing all the stuff I’ll eventually get rid of online.” 

Anthony looks back at you, surprised that you didn’t go and asked for his help instead. “How much do you pay her?” he asks Mat again. 

“Uh, five… ten bucks?” Mat scratches the back of his head and your face immediately falls to your palm. 

“Ten?” he questions, glancing at you. “Don’t you have your own office and a secretary? What do you need the ten bucks for?” Tito’s tone was now getting more curious and Mat, just like he always was, was dumb enough to forget you were earning more than just ten bucks for a living. 

“Did I say ten? I meant fifty— per hour.” Mathew takes it back instantly, following it with a lie that involves you asking him for a job because your publisher ordered you to for a book she wants you to sign for. Not that any of it made sense but at least Anthony seemed to have bought it. When you agree, Mat immediately takes Anthony in his arms as he guides him out to the door, snatching his coat resting atop his kitchen island. 

Mat looks over to you once more, both of their bodies already at the other side of the door, “You did great today, y/n. I’ll write you a check in the morning!” he says pushing Tito, who was still asking questions, farther from the door. 

Before Mathew disappears, he looks at you with his big doe eyes already thanking you for going along such a stupid make-up excuse. You roll your eyes as you watch him mouth a quiet ‘Sorry’, flashing his ever so gorgeous smile before him and Tito finally went on their way.  

𖥸

You’ve gotten used to how lazy Mat and Tito are during their off days. They would rather stay at home and play endless video games with each other than spending it with something less dumb than their stupid Xbox. Luckily, today wasn’t like those days because you happened to have your free day as well. You all agreed to spend the evening binging the entire Fast and Furious franchise. 

The three of you were cramped on the cloud couch. To put it in simply, you were sandwiched between two huge hockey players. Your back was leaning on Tito’s strong shoulders as it was laying just above your head. The huge bowl of half-eaten popcorn safely sits in between your middle, hugged by your stomach and your curled up legs, your sock-covered feet brushing against Mat’s thighs innocently. Almost as innocent as how you ignore Mathew’s hands creeping underneath the thick wool covering your body. 

Alarmed at how dangerously close Mat’s creeping palm was to your inner thigh, you shot him a warning look which was, as expected, answered by a defensive, and seemingly harmless “What?” look on his face. You roll your eyes, cautious as to not make any sharp movements for the benefit of Tito. You shift your position, angling your body away from Mathew and towards the direction of the screen instead. You let your body sink in your best friend’s shoulder, clueless that your movement had just given Mat the exact opening he was hoping for. 

With wide eyes, you give Mat’s thigh a firm nudge as carefully as you can, “Are you being serious right now?” you mouthed. Mat stifles a smirk and moves his hand away, keeping it to himself. You try turning your attention back to the television but somehow, Mathew’s actions left your mind wondering what he was about to do next. 

Gently, you stir back to your original position, propping yourself from leaning against Tito. 

“Hey, could you please fill this up for me?” you ask him nicely. Thankfully, Anthony reaches out for the bowl without letting his eyes break off the screen. “Thanks, Beau.” you add the moment he starts walking towards the kitchen. 

“Why’d you stop?” you cautiously whisper, asking Mathew who was surprised by your sudden inquiry.

“I thought you didn’t want me to.” he answers on the same level of your tone, putting his hand back on your shin. The warmth of his palm sends a familiar sensation down your region.

Looking back at the archway leading to the kitchen, you quietly tell him, “I asked if you’re being serious. I never said no.” 

Your candidness was met by Mathew’s widening smile, incapable of stopping himself from biting his lower lip, finding your bluntness quite adorable. “Be quiet.” he mutters as he clears his throat, eyeing Tito who was just returning from the kitchen holding a bowl full of popcorn fresh from the microwave. 

“Thank you.” you say the moment Anthony hands you the bowl. You scootch over, making you a lot closer to Mat. Tito places his arm back over the couch, allowing extra space for you. Once you got yourself in a position comfortable enough to last for the remaining half of the movie, your mind flies away, briefly forgetting the exchange you and Mathew just had. 

It was not even a full minute when you feel Mat’s very much capable hand start creeping underneath the thick cloth again. You swallow a giant lump in your throat, your senses already heightened just by the mere contact of his rough and calloused hand on your skin. 

You were wearing a pair of sweat shorts, the kind that were loose enough to let Mat maneuver his way deeper down your thighs so effortlessly. You steal quick glances towards his way but to no avail, Mat’s eyes were nowhere else other than the screen. His fingers, however, told quite a different story. 

You did the exact thing as him and put your sole focus on the movie. The sound of Anthony’s breathing was a good reminder to not let anything slip off of you unconsciously, especially now that Mat’s long fingers were inching its way to the thin fabric covered by your night wear. 

Mat begins to brush his middle finger over your delicates. You bury a part of your face underneath the thick cloth whilst your eyes are still pinned on the screen. The scene where Dom goes rogue plays and the light of the television flashes before your eyes. 

You tried to listen to Tito when he tells you about that time you went to the movies to see the film, trying to space out from Mat’s finger drawing idle circles on the thin fabric of your underwear, easing you just right, evidently taking his time fondling in between your clothed lips.

When he feels your moistness on his skin, Mat sophisticatedly slides a finger in your underwear just so he could feel the wetness of your folds. 

You on the one hand, keep your face hidden under the only light flashing from the screen. You manage to choke down your whimpers and instead lean your force towards the bowl you’re holding. However, you fail to stifle a gasp when Mat slides a finger inside you, making you stir just enough to stop your sudden movement from being unnoticed by Beauvillier. 

“You okay?” he asks, a concerned tone embracing his voice. You meekly nod, saying that you were just too caught up watching the film. He then takes his attention back, pretty much like the grinning Mathew sitting on the other end. 

You shoot a knowing look when you meet Mat’s irises. He casually plays it off just as he remains busy on his own, his fingers curling inside you with ease, pumping in and out at a slow pace, not wanting to let any of his movements show on the surface of your blanket. As Mat continues pleasuring you, you gather all your strength to stay still and calm your breathing. To no prevail however, knowing how good of a fucker Mat was, you knew you won’t be able to hold it in longer than you’re supposed to. 

Your heart almost beats right out your chest when Anthony’s phone starts to ring. You prop yourself up, causing Mat’s finger to do just the same inside you. You shut your eyes at the feeling and chose to clear your throat. 

Anthony takes his phone and looks at the two of you, “I need to take this. Just watch the movie without me.” he says, already standing to head for the balcony at the other side of the room. You sigh in relief, letting yourself fall back on where Tito used to sit, allowing more space for Mat’s miraculous fingers. 

He adjusts his seat, cautiously looking back after Tito’s track just to make sure he was no longer near the two of you. He looks at you, attention faltering from the screen as he slides another finger inside you. 

“Don’t make a sound. Stay still.” he orders, pumping his way in just as he glides his thumb to massage your clit. Your hand takes rest on your forehead, your eyes closed at every pleasure thrown your way, almost forgetting that you were holding a bowl full of finger food on your stomach. Mat must’ve caught on and ensured no unnecessary noises would make Anthony come back just yet when he takes the bowl off your middle to set it down the coffee table. 

“Fucking hell, Mat.” you can’t help but moan, arching your back once you feel your arousal come close. 

“Do it, y/n. Come on my fingers.” he growls in a low register, moving his way into hitting the spot at just the right speed, not wanting to prolong your misery any longer. 

You reach for his hands, your grip on him tighter than ever. Mat feels you come around his finger, eyes pinned on your spent up state harder than it was when the two of you were still watching the movie. When he feels your pulsating core starts to die down, he slips his fingers out your slit, eventually taking it in his mouth to suck your far too addicting juices.

You fix yourself up, eyeing Tito who had just ended his call. Mat looks at you, quite proud of himself.

“At least your fingers make up for what that pretty mouth can’t.” you say with a taunting smirk before standing up to get yourself a glass of water just as Beau finally comes back from the balcony, leaving Mathew with his mouth slightly agape and without a doubt dumbfounded.

𖥸

It was an hour before midnight but the house was already asleep. The boys had to call the night early because of the morning practice they have first thing tomorrow. But you still had some energy left so you figured drawing yourself a calming bath would help soothe your mind and maybe even up the chances of having yourself a well-deserved good night’s sleep. 

Now that you’re feeling better and getting ready for bed, your bathrobe hugs your body whilst you finish off your night routine so you could finally dip into the comfort of your sheets, the cream white duvet calling onto you as you picture yourself dozing off for the night. 

The strides you were just making out of your bathroom were put into a stop by how your door sprung open wildly, revealing one troubled Mathew Barzal entering your room almost a little too carelessly. 

“What the hell did you mean my mouth can’t?!” he questions at once, hissing. When he realizes the sudden rise in his voice, (which has also startled you in the process), Mathew immediately looks back just to make sure that Anthony was in his room, or far enough to hear. He shuts the door behind him before he finally turns his attention back to you. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” you ask him, putting both your hands on your hips, your body covered by nothing else but a bathrobe. 

“The thing you said back in the living room, my mouth can’t what? What the hell did that suppose to mean??” Mat roars like a child’s impending tantrum was about to come. You avert his gaze for a moment, scratching your temple. You couldn’t believe something you’ve said stuck to him. Not that he’d ever do anything about it. Something you most absolutely doubt. 

“If you had to come here to ask me that, I’m pretty sure you already got what I meant.” you say, walking towards your bed as you get the bottle of your vanilla scented lotion from your bedside table. 

“But all those times it looked like you were having a good time?” he speaks, voice in a lower register as if he was talking to himself all along. 

“I was faking it Mat.” you finish off applying lotion on your legs, spreading the remaining on your hands. You met Mat’s gaze and saw that you might’ve tipped him off a little for there was a faint hurt in his eyes. 

“You were faking it?” he repeats in a quiet voice.

“You’re still good in bed, buddy.” you assure him with a smile yet to no prevail, Mat didn’t seem to buy any of what you said thinking that it was just a decent effort to save his ego already plummeting to the pit of his own embarrassment. 

“How many times have you been faking it?” he asks the moment he gathers his thoughts, his mind circling on the fact that all throughout this time he wasn’t able to get you off.

“You’ve only had the chance to do it twice. So… just those two.” you answer honestly. 

Mathew, who was utterly clueless to what was going on didn’t know how to react to such bluntness. He tried to mutter a few words but he was speechless. All this time, he thought he was good at something he obviously wasn’t. And being told something as morally immobilizing as that shocks him to his very core. The horror of all the girls he’s slept with, walking out of his apartment unsatisfied befalls on him. 

“You should’ve told me, otherwise this whole setup won’t make any sense, y/n. I thought you said we shouldn’t lie?” he questions, evidently disappointed in himself. 

“Look,” you stop, tapping on the side of the bed to have a proper conversation. When Mat finally sits beside you, you continue, “I didn’t think it mattered. And no offense but we both know you’re such a sore loser. I didn’t know how you would react. And I definitely didn’t want to deal with any of the messy stuff just to feed your ego.”

“For your information, I’m a thick faced motherfucker, you should’ve known that by now. This thing between us is going to be complicated if you’ll tiptoe your way around it just to spare my feelings.” he says with certainty, a definitive tone accentuated by how intense he was now looking at your face, still glowing from your night care routine. 

“Is there something I don’t do?” he adds, “Or is it something that I should stop doing?”

“Fine. If you really wanna talk about this I’ll tell you.” you angle yourself facing him and Mat does the same, “You’re not entirely bad. You do know your way around. It’s just that— you’re trying a little too hard and it gets really overwhelming at times. And mind you, it isn’t even the good kind,”

“Show me.” Mat cuts you before you could grab the chance to continue, stopping you mid sentence, causing you to stumble on a few words. “What?” 

“I won’t leave this room knowing I can’t get you off.” he says, and just like that, Mathew meets your lips with an all too hungry mouth eager to make you come for him even if it takes having to have endless runs at it. 

Your body achingly responds to every bit of Mathew’s kisses whilst you let him run the course. His touches are tantalizing, urging you to come near him. He takes you in his arms, one fondling on your robe to pull it free from your body, the other tugging lightly on your hair just as he begins to move his weight on top of you.

“Tell me what you want.” Mat breathes the moment he breaks away, his mouth now travelling down the skin where your shoulder meets your neck, leaving faint bites, nibbling on it just before he makes his way down to fondle on your breasts. 

You answer him with a muffled moan when he takes your lips yet again. Mat’s irises unwaveringly gazes on your buck nakedness, your scent just enough to take over his senses. You feel the roughness of his hands graze all over your skin. Pinching on one of your buds just before it travels down your thighs, staying out of the place where he knew you needed him most. You feel him in every inch of your skin but there.

But just as you want him more, Mat purposely leaves it out of his hold. You begin to realize how much you must’ve underestimated what this forward could do. His hands were everything and you couldn’t even put into words how much you need him down there. 

“Mat…” you call out his name, groaning. His featherlight touches flowed smoothly on your inner thigh, grazing just your lips but even that was more than enough to tell him how wet you already were for him. 

He begins to leave wet kisses in between your breasts down to your stomach. Kisses that eventually made their way to your thighs as he inched his way to your core, the sloppy noise he makes sounds so beautiful in your ears. You look down on Mat trying to compose yourself under all the breathing he’s subtly passing your middle. 

“What do you want?” Mat asks again, this time his doe eyes meeting yours, clouded with lust and desire. You buck your hips upward in an effort to meet his mouth but Mat was rather quick to put you back in your place when he cages your hips with his capable arm. 

“Use your words, y/n.” he orders, one that has effortlessly made you oblige. You wanted to feel him more than anything else and if that meant submitting to Mat this time, you know full well you’d gladly break before him. 

“I want you to get me off.” you surrender, signaling him to take the plunge. Once he did, you let out a whimper at his touch, almost forgetting that Mathew was probably doing this so he could eat out his future girl right.

“Don’t rush.” you breathed as you guided him, “Stay slow and steady.” 

Mathew’s eyes never left yours even when you had to look away when you let your head fall back on your sheets with how well he was moving with everything you say. 

“Mathew…” you moan, reaching for his hair to take him closer to your throbbing core, “Go on circles, please.” 

Mat was obedient and followed your every command. Unlike the times he’s spent trying to pleasure you with his mouth, tonight was a time where he actually listened and gave you exactly what you wanted, exactly how you want it.

Mat didn’t have to do anything else for when he started to slip into your cunt and fuck you with his tongue, you going insane was more than enough to let him know that he was doing it right. He watched you fall before him, your chest heaving, your breathing rapid as if there wasn’t enough air for you to breathe. He entwines both his fingers atop your abdomen, the sound of you calling his name like a prayer doing all kinds of wonders on his end. 

You meet his eyes yet again just to see that it never left. Mat looked at you darker than ever before and for once, you feel a firm tug in your stomach you just weren’t ready to acknowledge and care for. As he takes time with his final strokes, knowing that you were close, Mat pulls away, thinking about the one thing he knows will redeem himself. 

“Turn around.” he orders with a grim voice. You were in dire need of an orgasm to even care about how he’s the one ordering you. You gladly oblige to his every whim and turned to your belly, your ass perked up so perfectly for him.

He lets your robe fall just above your back, revealing more of your skin for him to enjoy. He takes no second to waste and kneels before your already swollen pussy. Needy and very much heated for him.

Mat’s hands spread your cheeks before he takes you in his mouth once again, letting himself drown in your juices glinting under his all too heavy gaze. 

“Oh, god.” you whine, feeling Mat’s grin behind you as you dig into your sheets while your legs begin to shake at your incoming orgasm. “Mat, please.” you call out in a whimper, pushing your ass back further his face. 

Mat gladly takes the challenge but maintains at the pace you wanted. As he feels your pussy flutter in his mouth, he deepens it into yours to finally pour you with nothing else but ecstasy and ecstasy alone.

His face was filled with nothing but your juices once he pulled away, leaving you breathless and still caught up on meeting your high. He stands, a hand gripping on one of your cheeks whilst he admires the art that is: your all too spent pussy.

“Next time you lie, you won’t get to fake it at all.” he warns with a firm yet definitive voice masked as a taunting remark. 

Mat looks at your still throbbing pussy, eyes lustful and dark. As much as he craved for the inkling fire resting in his loins, it was already past midnight and he had self-discipline stronger than anyone else’s. He couldn’t afford any more scolding from Anders the next morning. 

So, even when he wanted nothing but to fuck you right then and there, he lets his hand send a message he certainly wants you to remember instead. One that has left a faint yet stinging mark on your skin. Your legs were practically still wobbling when he finally leaves for the door, this time fueled with the purpose of being the one leaving you dumbfounded in your own post-orgasm shame.

Perhaps, even wanting and more.

[adultswim2021]

Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! #3: “Cats” | February 25, 2007 - 11:45PM | S01E03

We start this one with a little ad for a restaurant called Gravy Robbers, an inane family dining restaurant where the gimmick is that their very dry meat will always require gravy, and during your meal you will have to occasionally defend yourself from a “gravy robber” who comes to your table to rob said gravy. This was a holdover idea from Tom Goes to the Mayor that was previously unused. Indeed, dumb theme restaurants was very much in the Tom Goes wheel house.

Later we see snippets of a Gravy Robbers training video, featuring Tairy Greene portrayed by Zach Galifianakis. He’s so funny. Goodness. One of the few comedy people that I feel like hasn’t let me down, EVER. I like when he says gravy “grah-vee”. Eventually we get to see bloopers which is such a funny, self-indulgent thing for an instructional video to do, gosh. Zach intoning “these are traaaaained military veterans” over and over just makes me so happy, because I’m choosing to interpret this as anti-troop. And who could forget his longform Shelly Berman-esque phone bit where he reacts to his friend’s niece being murdered as if he were being told about a friend winning the lottery.

The host stuff for this is: Tim has learned a magic trick where he can turn himself into an orange little kitty cat. Tim, however, finds it hard to turn himself back, and panic sets in. Eric eventually gives the cat away, before wistfully dreaming about better times he and Tim had playing around in a park. The smug way Tim drinks but then spits out the water fountain water is so funny, and the push in on Eric’s face, as if he’s saying to himself “I was always remember this and cherish this moment”. So funny. Tim comes back from cat-transformation at the moment that Eric is dropping him off to his forever home. He is nude, and the way he moans is so weird and funny. I love it so much. Behind-the-scenes note, Eric stated on the DVD commentary that they trained cat they got for the shoot was wonderful, except it smelled like shit. 

The first of the Kidz Break bits is in this one, and this might be the best one of all. “I Sit Down When I Pee” is a spirited rap whose aim is to de-stigmatize the act of sitting down to pee when you’re a boy. The song is very funny, and its purpose is murky. Is this an educational video? Infotainment? Could it simply be a hit song? The end throws up a caption reading “Paid for by Voter Initiative Prop 216” which raises more questions than answers (and this might be one of my favorite jokes of all time!). This is an absolute all-timer. 

There’s a shot-on-the-street segment where Tim offers free portraits for tourists walking around Hollywood. Pranky stuff like this would sorta fade out of the show, if I remember correctly. Tim does a bad job drawing and acts like a very weird guy. He also says things that don’t inspire confidence like: “you only have one mouth so I’ll just do one mouth”. A uh, borderline character if you know what I mean. Tim has some borderliners on this show for sure.

There’s the tender prime time drama “Kitty Cat Man”, where two big bros hug Michael Cera for fucking hours, and then he turns into a kitty cat just like Tim did. I wonder if this is actually intended to be a TV movie based on Tim’s real-life predicament. I guess it’s not a bad thing to have two sketches in the show that are basically the same. I like it! Hey dude, funny’s funny!

Speaking of that other sketch, the way it actually ends is Tim shows Eric how to make his legs very long. This is accomplished by having Tim & Eric act on a green screen and inserted into a cartoon land with cartoon legs. They stomp around with their new long legs, oblivious to the carnage they are creating below the clouds, where they are just crushing people up. Rude way to get laughs, but the moon approves so I do not know what to think. 

Another pretty great episode. I love the Tim & Eric program.

MAIL BAG

I have so many Mail Bags, OH MY GOD

Here's a new mail for the mailbag hot off the press: Tim and Eric are GAY for EACH OTHER. Print it and ship it. Goodbye!

b-dog bites the big one:

(muttering under my breath to a shrill techno dance beat) a-fuckin podcast. a-fucking podcast. a-fucking podcast.

Wouldn’t wanna meet potty mouths like this in a dark alley, I might gets sweared on!

I was hoping you'd say G4 because videogames are super cool 8-)

I never watched that shit it was too bad. And video games are bad. Sometimes they had people affiliated with Playboy on there, and even that would not get me to watch it.

My wife was so obsessed with That's My Bush that she met the guy who plays That's My Bush and got him to fuck her. He was married. She was dating me. But that's our man.

Thank you for a rare sexual Mail Bag... illuminating as usual! It is good to know that true love prevails

I was on an episode of Jonah Ray's Bar-B-Quay and he cooked pizza and burgers on the grill for everyone on the set for like two hours after filming wrapped. Nice guy. He even took selfies with his then new Samsung Propel. Unfortunately, Har Mar Superstar was there and that guys apparently a rapist. Otherwise a great night.

Har Mar Superstore may have gotten the last laugh, but I’m glad you had a fun night. If there were any girls there let me know. I love hearing about girls

[wristpockets]

Can I throw some prompts at you? All fluffy but with potential for Deep Emotional Talks™ if that's what you're after. Anyway: 1. Essek and jester trying to cook/ bake for the first time (two rich kids who have never been in a kitchen while food has been made) lots of potential for comedy but also ways to explore the differences and similarities in their childhoods?? 2. Caleb and Essek teaching each other dances from their homelands, (I feel like Essek probably had to learn formal dances in his youth and absolutely despised them until he realized that dancing with someone you actually like can be fun) Anyhow, happy writing!

Thanks for the suggestions! Going with the first one!

(If anyone else has any fic prompts/ideas/requests feel free to send them my way!)

This kind of got away from me 😅 Ended up a lot longer than expected. Not going to spend too much time proofreading or editing bc this was supposed to be fun. Anyway

Essek is leaning over the railing on the Nein Heroez, a glass of wine in his hand. He can hear the party going on behind him - the rest of the Nein get together every month for dinner - but he needed to get away for a moment. He watches the moonlight reflect off the waves as he swirls the wine in his glass.

He doesn't notice Jester until she's right next to him.

"What's wrong, Essek?" she asks, her voice laden with sincerity and sympathy.

He sighs, takes a long sip of his wine, and says, "I feel inadequate."

"Oh no Essek," Jester says. She moves closer, until she can bump her hip against his. "You're so powerful. And!" She lowers her voice conspiratorially, "I saw the way you floated in Cognouza. You were faster than Caleb, which I think means you're even smarter than he is."

Essek actually smiles at that. Lets out a little laugh. "You're not wrong. But I'm not concerned with my power or intelligence."

"Then how do you think you're inadequate? In what way? Is it-" Jester cuts herself off, looking over at him while wiggling her eyebrows.

"No," he says quickly, his ears heating up. "Everyone else is so..." He looks for the word and comes up blank. "Caleb and I see Beauregard and Yasha for dinner quite often. Yasha will have freshly baked bread, or even cake. Beauregard works all day, and Yasha stays home and cooks."

"I think she's happy though," Jester says.

"I think so too," Essek says quickly. "Caleb works all day too, and I stay home and do nothing." He lets out a little laugh. "I cannot believe this is my problem. Feeling bad that I cannot cook dinner while my - while Caleb is working."

Jester's eyes light up. "Okay," she says. "Okay okay. For our next get together, we're making dessert. Me and you."

Beauregard and Yasha are hosting the next meetup. Essek had collected Jester, Fjord and Kingsley early that morning, to give Jester and Essek time to make dessert.

They sent Caleb and Fjord out of the house and set to work in Caleb's kitchen.

But when Essek takes the third batch of cupcakes out of the oven - burned on the outside, somehow raw inside - he's ready to give up.

"I don't understand what I'm doing wrong," Essek says quietly. He floats there, uselessly, staring at another failed attempt at a fairly simple baked good. "Is this how you normally make them?"

"Hmm?" Jester says, looking over at him. She dips her finger into the frosting she'd been working on. "I've never made cupcakes before."

Essek turns toward her. "What? You've never-"

"Nope," Jester says, matter-of-factly. She puts the icing-covered finger in her mouth, tasting the frosting, before scrunching up her nose. "This is awful."

Essek deflates a little. "So we are currently lacking both edible cupcakes and edible icing."

Even Jester's smile falls. "I'm sorry, Essek."

"It's not your fault," Essek says. "We still have some ingredients - what do you know how to make? What could we make quickly that's simpler?"

Jester looks down at the floor. "I don't know."

"Anything," Essek pleads. "Anything you've baked successfully-"

"I've never baked anything," Jester admits quietly.

"Oh," Essek says.

"Yeah."

Jester turns so her back is to the counter, then slides down, sitting on the floor. "I know how you feel. I feel like I should know how to do this."

Essek floats over, then sits down next to her. He can't bear the look on her face. "Two powerful adventurers, brought low by mere cupcakes," he jokes.

"I wanted to do this," Jester says, still quiet. "I wanted to bake something for everyone, something delicious! Something everyone would eat and say, 'oh Jester, your baking is so delicious,' and then maybe I'm not just the girl who draws dicks on things."

"You're a lot more than that," Essek tries.

Jester nods. "I know. I just feel bad."

"I feel that way too," Essek says. "All this power and knowledge and ability - for what? What good is it doing me here, now? And I know it's not an either-or thing. Caleb cooks. Even Beauregard does sometimes. I've never so much as fried an egg."

"Neither have I," Jester admits. "When I lived at home..."

"I understand," Essek says, and he knows he does.

"It's just embarrassing," Jester says.

"Yes," Essek agrees.

They sit like that for a moment, until they hear the front door open.

"Essek? Jester?" Caleb calls from the entryway. "Am I allowed in the kitchen yet?"

"Not yet!" Jester yells. "Almost done! Fifteen minutes!"

Essek looks at her in shock, and she just shrugs her shoulders.

"I do not possess the arcane ability to create cupcakes," Essek says blankly. "And I am unsure of how else we might make a dessert in that time."

"I panicked," Jester says apologetically. "Maybe some of the cupcakes aren't so bad-"

"They are," Essek says as Jester leans over batch number two, tearing off a piece of cupcake and trying it cautiously. After a few bites she scrunches her nose, then spits it out into the garbage.

"It looked good," Jester pouts. "I can't believe cupcakes would lie to me."

Something connects and Essek can feel his eyes widen. "I have an idea."

Several hours later, Jester and Essek are ready to present their cupcakes to the rest of the Nein. At the very least, they look nice - frosting is apparently close enough to painting for Jester to have some skill at it.

"These look delicious," Caleb says, smiling up at Essek. The compliment in front of their friends makes Essek's cheeks heat up, and he's grateful his complexion doesn't let it show.

"I might need to get some pointers from you," Yasha says as she carefully peels off the cupcake wrapper. "I wish I could frost like this."

"Don't eat that!" Beau shouts, quickly leaning over to slap it out of her hand.

Everyone stops to stare at Beauregard, Yasha's mouth still open, the cupcake discarded on the floor.

"What's wrong, Beauregard?" Essek asks nervously.

"They've been tampered with," she says. She picks up Yasha's dinner plate. "These plates are enchanted. They change colour if any of the food on it is fucked with. A few crumbs fell off of it." She points to a few speckles of bright purple on the plate. "I watched the plate react to the crumbs."

"Tampered with?" Fjord asks. "Tampered how?"

"I don't fucking know, man," Beau says. "It doesn't like, tell me."

"Um," Essek says carefully. "Would a magical alteration to the dish set off that reaction?"

"I should fucking hope so," Beau says, "since that's the whole point."

"In that case," Essek says, shooting Jester a worried look, "then yes, they were tampered with. But they will not harm you."

"Essek," Caleb says, looking at him worriedly.

"It's just prestidigitation," Essek says hurriedly. "We used it to flavour the cupcakes and the frosting." He takes a bite of his own cupcake. "See? They're safe."

"But why?" Veth asks. "Surely it can't be any worse than that fish stew Fjord made us all eat last time."

Essek looks at Jester again, who looks resigned. He waves his hand, dismissing the spell. "See for yourself."

Caleb is the first one that takes Essek up on that, tearing off a piece with his fingers and tasting it. Essek can see Caleb trying very hard to keep his expression neutral. He eventually - with some difficulty - swallows the bite of cupcake. "Ja," he says, eventually. "It's not that bad." He offers Essek a warm smile.

"Well that's obviously a lie," Veth says, pushing her plate a few inches away from her.

"Sorry guys," Jester says. She's looking down at the table and looks absolutely lost. "We just wanted to make something nice."

"Have either of you ever baked anything, ever?" Veth asks, picking up a tiny piece of the cupcake and trying it. "This is awful. I love you Jessie, but who taught you to bake?"

Jester looks too crestfallen to answer. "Both of us are, ah, new to this," Essek admits instead.

"Maybe cooking lessons are in order," Fjord says. "I used to cook on the ship, back when I was getting started. I could show you a few things, Jester."

Jester nods, still looking down at the table.

"And I could teach you," Caleb says to Essek.

"That would be appreciated," Essek says.

"Okay," Jester says. She sighs, then looks up at everyone. Forces a smile. "Okay. Me and Essek are going to learn how to cook, and then we'll make something for next time."

"Maybe not cupcakes," Beau says.

"Maybe nothing for anyone who complains about my baking again," Jester retorts.

"There are some desserts from Rosohna I'd like to recreate, if possible," Essek says. "If I can find a recipe."

"That sounds nice," Caduceus says.

"I am not much for sweets, but I do like some of the ones in Rosohna," he continues. "They're, ah, made with cinnamon. I don't think they do that here in the Empire."

"They don't!" Jester almost yells, smiling. "I know! It's crazy!"

[shmaptainwrites]

Ok so im a bubbly person and I laugh a lot I laugh at pretty much anything. I was wondering if you could do steve x female reader oneshot where steve cracks jokes or does things just to make y/n laugh, because he loves to hear her laugh. If that's not to much to ask because I'm in my soft feels please and thank you

yeah i could do a little blurb for this :) super cute prompt 😫

Steve loved a lot of things; he loved sitting by the ocean, his mom’s grilled cheese sandwiches, watching nature documentaries narrated by David Attenborough, but something Steve loved more than anything was the sound of your laugh.

He’d never tell you how much he loved it, no, he’d spontaneously combust before that happened.

But that didn't stop him from doing everything in his power to hear it.

Little did you know when he'd say,

"Hey (N/N), I have a joke here for you,"

All he wanted was to make sure he'd hear that gorgeous sound.

"Alright Steve what is it this time?" you asked, sitting down across from him and you could already hear him chuckling underneath his breath as he looked on his phone.

"My friend thinks he's smart. He told me an onion is the only food that can make you cry, so I threw a coconut in his face,"

You snorted, almost spitting out your tea, not expecting that turn and such a quick punchline to the joke.

"Steve," you wheezed, placing your mug on the table so you didn't spill your drink. Placing a hand on his shoulder, trying to catch your breath from laughing. "Oh God that caught me off guard,"

"It was a good one wasn't it?" he chuckled.

"Yeah a really good one."

You weren't aware that whenever he'd ask to watch comedies with you, or even the stupidest videos on YouTube, or these things you'd told him were called Vine compilations it was all just to hear you laugh.

Soon you started to just relate being in Steve's presence with that warm and fuzzy feeling you got when you were happy, because that's all he seemed to want to make you feel, happy.

So one day you decided you wanted to repay the favour.

"Steve, I think I've got something for you," you said.

"Really? Paperwork?" he asked, assuming it was work related.

"No, a joke," you grinned.

"Oh really?" he smiled, leaning forward on the kitchen table. "Alright, show me what you've got darlin',"

"Okay, wanna hear a funny joke from the 1930s?" you asked with a cheekily raised brow.

"Sure as hell," he nodded.

"The Maginot Line," you said simply, pursing your lips, hoping he would make the connection.

And for the first time you really paid attention to the sound of his laugh, often to engrossed in your own happiness to admire the deep baritone sound, but you loved every second of it and for a minute you wondered if maybe this was why Steve told you all these jokes, watched all these things with you.

Did he like your laugh as much as you liked his?

"Hey Steve," you smiled, still taking in that wondeful sound.

"Yeah (N/N)," he nodded. "That was a good one,"

"I thought so too," you chewed your lip. "Hey do you... Okay this is a weird question, but do you like making me happy?"

"Of course," Steve nodded without hesitation.

"Well then why don't I give you a hand," you suggested coming closer to him. "It'd make me ecstatic if you kissed me,"

"Well then I have to do it don't I," he responded with a very appreciated bit of cheek.

"Oh yes, of course," you nodded vehemently, wrapping your arms around his neck.

He leaned down carefully, pressing his lips to yours, a helpless chuckle escaping your lips, but he didn't mind. It was his favourite sound afterall.