#called MyChart
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Funny thing about executive dysfunction is that everyone treats you like you’re a flake and an airhead and unreliable and the one with the problem… until they’re really busy or distracted or start to getting old and forgetting things, and you’re there in the exact same situation they are looking at your calendar app and to do list and the conversation you made sure to have in a text or email so you could go back and look at it.
Same as you did when you were younger because you needed to. Entirely free from this weird state of denial that they’re in or loss of identity, all because they’re used to just remembering stuff or getting it without effort.
Who’s the liability now, Sylvia?
#thing is see#thing is this all came from a nice app#called MyChart#where I can type messages to my provider#and say that a certain muscle relaxer made me depressed#right there in print for them to see again and again#and when i find the name of the medication#they can be SURE not to prescribe cyclobenzaprine#so that i don’t come back from the pharmacy#shoulder cramping and sad#and see you guessed it#freaking cyclobenzaprine#how hard is that?#read the message and don’t prescribe#pills of floppy sadness#my shoulder hurts man#autism#executive dysfunction
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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Oh fucking come on
The dr I was trying to make a mychart appt with no longer sees in office patients?? Ffs
Like cool cool cool the one dr I liked and didn't worry ab going to IS NO LONGER SEEING IN OFFICE PATIENTS??!
#marquilla#im gonna go nap#ill call them tomorrow bc fuck this man#like come ON#me: well i can go by myself it's not like ill NEED the exam or anything :)#mychart: think again bitch >:)#ill have to tell mom when i get up bc it was also HER dr and guess what NO ONE LIKE MESSAGED HER OR ANYTHING EITHER?!? HELLO??? ASSHOLES
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man I've been getting my T via planned parenthood for two whole ass years and then they switched to MyChart wherein none of the prescriptions actually make it to my pharmacy to be filled and my messages for refills are ignored and last time filing a complaint got it through (5 days later) and this time I've filed two complaints and put in one renewal request and it's been almost a week. I'm so annoyed I've set hellmart's insurance bullshit to find me an in-network endocrinologist bc even if they do finally push it through, I'm not going back. Which upsets me bc I want to support PP, but if they can't even fucking support me then I'm not gonna keep giving them money
#personal;#I'mma call the number on PPs website at a more humane hour and see if that can get anything done but I'm not sure and kinda doubt it#if I have another period while waiting for them I'mma be furious#I went in May. wasn't supposed to need to go back for 6mo but I was only given 3mo and no one responded to refill requests#so I had another appt which is $75 I don't fucking have and am not fucking paying bc /I don't have the damned meds/#like how fucking hard is this#I never had this issue before MyChart
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its my own fault for not checking sooner (bc i forget my mychart login like all the fucking time and get discouraged from checking just from that) but i finally found out why i didnt get my t refill last time i tried asking cvs :)
#its because mychart is just such a good website that works so so well and is so not frustrating to use#also apparently last time they checked my t levels they were low which is like. expected. since my dosage in my meds is low...#and also it had been a minute since i had last gotten a refill...#and apparently. they did give me one courtesy notification which i do not remember receiving.#to tell me this.#because they wanted me to call them and ask me if i wanted a higher dosage.#cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool#so all this time ive been in t limbo for no fucking reason.#awesome awesome awesome#and pharmacists are going on strike right.#cool. sick. nice.
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people are about to like me a whole lot less lmao
#personal#not only was i not told what was going to happen the entire apt despite being very upfront myself#the fucking notes on mychart called me a woman which ssnt me into a full on spiral#i am not a woman. i have never been a woman. i will never be a woman.#and also a note made during my last apt was incredibly fucking wrong from what i had said before so i guess i now need to be#so fucking specific about every little thing lest they fuck me over again#anyway if even one person today tries to 'she' me im going to get mean about it#i have two (2) pins on my lanyard that clearly state they/them and youre going to fucking use them goddammit#but im also gonna make sure all my doctors and shit know now too bc i am so FUCKING tired of being called a woman
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Clinics: Here’s a handy website and app you can use to make appointments, look at your scheduled appointments, and more. Please use it, it’s very helpful.
People: Okay
Also people: *Doesn’t use it* wHAT DO YOU MEAN MY APPOINTMENT WAS VIRTUAL?! IT’S NOT VIRTUAL!
Clinics:
#context: a patient showed up in person today despite having been left a voicemail about his appointment being virtual#and then had the nerve to be mad at us and bitch us out#when this all could’ve been avoided ENTIRELY if the fool had just checked his damn MyChart before the appointment#i love working in healthcare but i stg it’s exhausting#doesn’t matter how many opportunities and resources you give people#they’ll refuse to use them and it will STILL somehow be your fault#most clinics and healthcare facilities do not have the staff bandwidth to hold your hand through every little thing#you need to be prepared to do at LEAST a little bit of leg work on your end if you want things to go smoothly#things like making sure you’ve submitted your most recent insurance card and information#or calling your insurance provider and asking them what they will and won’t cover#things like that are actually SUPER helpful to the staff and can really help speed up the process of getting things done for you#literally ANY information you have from your insurance is usually helpful
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sometimes i like to play a fun game called ‘How long will it take my healthcare provider to see my Urgent Medical Message?’
So far, the answer is two weeks. :) as you can imagine, I’m fine
#jask is rambling about healthcare#i sent a follow up one just now#so. we'll fucking see i guess.#COULD i make an appointment and ask this in person? yeah but 1. Earliest appointment is FIVE WEEKS FROM NOW.#2. Its on a day that I dont have any transportation. so i couldnt go anyway. Making the wait time even longer than that#3. Its not even worth a visit. im literally asking to get a referral renewed. its 'hey doc can you renew this for me?' 'yes no problem.'#thats it!!!!!! there is no need for me to go in!!!!!!! thats why!!!!! its an email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#oh also for whatever reason mychart wont let me try and schedule with Anyone? only my PCP. which. is not usually how that works#and there also seems to be no option for telehealth when scheduling online anymore???#so tomorrow im going to call my insurance and ask them for the soonest possible telehealth appointment with any doctor available#it doesnt matter who refers me. i just need it done#and whether the appointment OR my doctor gets back to me first--we'll see. gotta play two games at once. ugh. im tired
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Hello Ross!
Came across your post reblogged by @msbarrows. Sorry if you've been asked this before, but what are some good steps to take now before the new regime comes into effect in January?/RFK Jr brain worm antivaxxer BS.
Thank you in advance.
I know just about every post on the subject says this, but- get your vaccines up to date. Buy yourself a nice TDaP from the CVS for Christmas. The Department of Health and Human Services (of which RFK Jr will have control) oversees the CDC and the FDA. While it would be unlikely he would go for an all-out ban on vaccines, he could make vaccines a hell of a lot more optional and refuse to approve new ones. Considering another goal of the administration is to repeal the ACA, that would mean childhood vaccinations would no longer be covered by private insurance (I was a child prior to the ACA and my mom paid $750 to get (fully insured) me vaccinated (about $1,638 in today's dollars). Meaning people will likely not be able to afford vaccines even if they wanted them. And a combination of expense + lack of mandate would mean a drastic reduction in the number of people who get vaccinated. While vaccines are less effective without community (herd) immunity, they are still great at keeping you from dying. So get them while they're available and covered.
Get your records. Download or request as many of your own medical records (and those of your children!) as you can. You can get most of your records through MyChart or other online portals. If you received medical care before electronic charting, you'll have to directly contact your hospital or clinic's records department to see if they can send you copies. Save them in hard copies in a binder or at least on a flash drive or disc you have the ability to read from a computer. This makes your medical care portable if you have to see a new doctor without a lot of time to plan.
If you're on more than one medication, have a "medication reconciliation" appointment with your doctor. Learn what meds you are on and know what each of them do. Call your pharmacy and learn how much they cost without insurance. Ask your doctor if there are any cheaper alternatives that treat the same things. In the case of an ACA repeal and loss of drug coverage, you're going to want to know so you can make an informed decision about which drugs you buy.
Get your mental health straightened out as much as possible. RFK Jr. has said things against antidepressants and other psych medications. While again, he's probably not going to ban them (Think of the lost productivity! Think of the pharmaceutical companies losing revenue!) he may make it hella difficult for new antidepressant meds to be approved.
Get on long-term birth control of you can get pregnant and don't want to be. The copper IUD is the longest lasting form of birth control and can prevent pregnancy for more than 10 years, but hormonal IUDs can last 7 or more. Each has their own side effects and benefits. You can always get it removed later if you change your mind, but getting access to birth control might become difficult.
Have any semi-elective procedures done ASAP. At least get them scheduled. If the ACA is repealed you may not qualify for health insurance and you really don't want to have to pay for a surgery out of pocket. Plus, if the FDA becomes less reliable, you're going to want any tools or implants used in that surgery to still be safe.
Get new glasses. If you have vision insurance, get a new pair of glasses (not contacts) now with your most up-to-date prescription.
Get any dental work you've been putting off done if you currently have dental insurance. Get a cleaning and any preventative care done you need too.
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A patient said something she thought was in confidence and he (the doctor) shared it with staff? And now TRAs are harassing a woman fighting breast cancer? That doctor needs to lose his license for violating patient confidentiality
A woman in Oregon receiving treatment for breast cancer has been dropped by her health clinic of 12 years because she expressed views critical of gender ideology.
Marlene Barbera, who is scheduled for a mastectomy later this month, told Reduxx that she had commented on the presence of a transgender pride flag that was hanging in the waiting room of the Richmond Family Medical Clinic in Portland last year.
Barbera explained that she had written a message to her doctor on MyChart, a website where patients can access their personal health information, describing that she found the inclusion of “political messaging in a healthcare setting” as “offensive.”
She, like a growing number of women, has “gender critical” views, rejecting modern ideologies that conflate biological sex and “gender identity.” Barbera mentioned she had faced rape and death threats from trans activists on X (formerly Twitter), many of whom would have identified with that same flag.
Initially, the Doctor, who she revealed had been her primary care provider for over ten years, said that he would not take the flag down. But while Barbera had initially believed their correspondence to be private, she later discovered that the note to her physician had been viewed and shared by other staff at the clinic.
This June, while attempting to leave a message for her doctor regarding blood test results, the issue continued to escalate. A receptionist at the clinic, who Barbera speculated was transgender, did not permit her to be patched through to her doctor.
“The person insisted I make an appointment. I have breast cancer and consequently an abundance of medical appointments so I did not want to do that. They got frustrated with my ‘non-compliance’ and hung up on me,” Barbera told Reduxx.
“Thinking it might have been in error, I called back. I was told I was ‘not allowed’ and that I must speak to the previous person who had hung up on me. I declined as things hadn’t gone well the first time.”
She then questioned whether the refusal from the first receptionist was due to her previous complaint about the trans pride flag in the lobby.
“I asked, guessing ‘did I hurt the trans person’s feelings?’ And the receptionist took offense to the question, asking ‘what did you say‘ slowly and with great emphasis.”
Weeks later, Barbera received an email from Oregon Health Science University’s (OHSU) Stein Berger, informing her that she had been “discharged from receiving medical care at the Richmond Family Medicine Clinic,” effective immediately, with services to be cut off from all OHSU Family Medicine Clinics, including immediate care clinics, from July 29th. The email did in fact specify that she was being removed “because of ongoing disrespectful and hurtful remarks about our LGBTQ community and staff.”
Barbera told Reduxx that the incident had sent her “anxiety through the roof” and that she was struggling with her mental health as a result of the stress.
“I have severe chronic agitated depression since teen years,” Barbera explains. “Now I have no primary care doctor and nowhere else to go. I have been made to feel like a worthless nothing.”
This is not the first time a woman has lost access to critical medical services due to her “gender critical” views.
In October of last year, a woman identified as Emma by the UK’s Daily Mail was banned from having an operation in London’s Princess Grace Hospital because she requested single sex accommodation. The woman, who had been scheduled for a complex colorectal operation, also expressed that she did not want to “use pronouns or engage with such manifestations of gender ideology.”
Despite having experience being the victim of sexual assault, Emma was banned from having her procedure at the facility for requesting single-sex care.
#USA#Oregon#Breat cancer#Richmond Family Medical Clinic#Portland#Marlene Barbera is telling the truth#Political messages don't belong in healthcare settings#Oregon Health Science University’s (OHSU)#Stein Berger should be fired
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my attending left the hospital im at with my insurance so i met the new one yesterday and like the first thing she did was tell me some straight up wrong information which appeared to be either her receiving slightly wrong medical data after a game of doctor telephone or possibly just completely fucking up at reading a study herself.
i almost never am able to respond during appointments when a doctor does this to me because of course i cant track down the study while im on the zoom call, so in several cases now i have sent a mychart message and once an actual fax after the appointment, JUST to let a doctor know they told me some complete nonsense. and im always polite and professional about it, and im sure its annoying as hell and that they usually assume im wrong or crazy without actually checking their information, but the possibility that it will prevent the doctor repeating that misinformation to someone else makes me keep doing it, more or less compulsively.
me: my biggest acute medical problem is probably the chronic dehydration. i cant drink enough fluids to stay hydrated because of the gastroparesis, and if i try, the fluids come back up, causing GERD issues. sports drinks and pedialyte are very helpful, but expensive. homemade preparations require an amount of time and executive function investment i am having trouble keeping up with. what do you suggest
the doctor: theres new research that 50/50 apple juice and water is actually better at rehydrating people than pedialyte or sports drinks.
me: that doesnt sound right. apple juice has that much sodium in it?
the doctor: pedialyte actually has too much sodium in it and can cause additional dehydration :)
me: thats true for healthy patients b--(remembering im keeping it polite and upbeat because i cant antagonize someone who is about to refill my adderall) ok thats good to know thanks
sure enough, when i got home and repeated this to the discord and people actually started looking into it, the only study that came up about apple juice concluded that it was better at keeping medically normal children from getting dehydrated during gastroenteritis because apple juice tastey and kids will drink more of it voluntarily. apple juice has 7mg of sodium per 236mL. POTS patients can sometimes require up to 10 grams of sodium supplementation per day.
im unclear on why so many doctors assume the Healthy Test Subjects they have been reading so much about are going to turn up in their offices as patients for anything except yearly wellness exams. arent most of the people seeking medical attention for actual symptoms already suffering from various problems that by definition have fucked up their metabolic processes, nutritional requirements, how much sleep they need, how much exercise they tolerate, etc. this seems like less of a failure of medical education and more one of basic reasoning skills
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Desperately trying to get my health insurance to pay for the laser hair removal they explicitly say they cover as gender affirming care.
Go to HRT consultation, ask the doctor about a referral to a place that does laser, don't get a formal referral, just a piece of paper with a list of clinics and contact info.
Contact the closest clinic, ask about billing insurance. They say they can't do that, I have to call my health insurance company to find out who's in network.
Call the health insurance company, ask for a list of providers for laser hair removal, they put me on hold, transfer me to some other department. The other department's automated system helpfully announces that they're open 8am-5pm Monday-Friday. Once it tries to connect me to a person, it goes straight to voicemail. its 12:30pm on a Wednesday.
Call the health insurance company back, talk to a different representative, demand answers, turns out they don't have any better search tools than on their public facing website. You can't actually search for services, just specialties. The person on the phone advises me to just look up a list of random dermatologists and keep calling them to ask what they actually do until I find one that does laser. Most dermatologists don't do hair removal.
Try to message original doctor who did the HRT consult on mychart, asking for a referral again. Still waiting to hear back.
You should not be allowed to run a business with so much of a perverse incentive as health insurance. The more people they help the less money they make. Ticks, leeches and parasites, feeding off disease and death.
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I'm reading my MyChart notes from all the shit that happened on Friday and have discovered that my local hospital has, because I'm trans, something called an "organ inventory" which is just a list of what sex organs I have and whether they are surgically constructed. Not sure how I feel about that.
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Ahahahah I should probably explain why I'm not on here as much atm, along with most of my other social media.
It's gonna be long but I know I have some folks on here worried about me so I'll put everything under the cut.
Alright buckle up, this will get long.
To shorten things, my chronic pain is significantly getting worse very quickly, along with heart issues.
Not to mention my shit mental health.
But here's the long story:
There's something up with my heart. I don't know exactly what the diagnosis will be, I have a few more tests including a fun little holter monitor placement or whatever it's called.
It's where I wear this monitor over my heart for a few days and press a button whenever I start having flareups. My flareups consist of my blood pressure suddenly dropping very low (I think the lowest it was clocked was somewhere in the 80s/60s range if I remember correctly), headaches, bad chest pain, limb weakness/numbness, sudden exhaustion/passing out, etc.
They did an echo on my heart but the results didn't tell me much other than I have a dialated left atrium. No idea what that means, don't know if it's even related to the shit going on with me. I won't find out until the other tests are done and looked over.
I'm going as far as to try and give up cigarettes for the time being for this. My doc gave me a ton of nicotine patches, so I'm really hoping those will help with the urges. I'm going to be going from smoking about half a pack or so a day to patches that are 7mg of nic, so uhhh yeah.
Another reason why I'm distancing myself from online spaces more other than my personal discord servers is because stressful stuff, discourse, all that makes my flareups much much worse. I'm doing it not to be a bitch, but for my own health. So for a bit I'll probably only post art I occasionally draw n what not.
Now on to the other issues. My lower back keeps me in damn near constant chronic pain. They did an xray on it, and my MyChart (fun little doctor app) said this about their findings:
"Vertebral body heights and alignment are well-maintained. No fracture or subluxation. Pedicles are intact. Mild loss of disc height at L5-S1."
I'm not entirely sure if that's anything important, again, I go to my pcp about it in the beginning of October since there's a few more issues they'd like to test me for before coming to a diagnosis and treating me.
As for my back pain though, it's to the point where it's nearly disabling me physically.
I've had it for many years. Idk exactly when it all started, but I really started noticing it around the time I was 19-20. I have a theory it's because one of my first jobs that I worked for about a year was at a warehouse. It was very physical labor.
I'd be lifting heavy boxes constantly to the point where when I got home I couldn't bend down from the pain. I'd just have to flop down on my bed and pass out. And this went on about 4 days a week for a year.
At first, it started off as a small patch on my lower back, at the base of my spine, not being able to be touched. The gentlest poke would feel like stabbing pain. And it only got worse over the years, with the area spreading.
Now it's to the point where I can't stand for long, and when I sit or lay down I have to shift my position every 10-20 minutes or it flares up. And I dread going to sleep for a number of reasons. Not just because of the night terrors I have damn near every night due to my CPTSD, but because I wake up in excruciating pain most of the time due to not being able to shift my body in my sleep.
Worst part is, when I sleep, I'm dead to the world. If the night terrors aren't too horrible that night, I'm like a rock. No one can move me. Lord knows my husband has tried. And I'll sleep for about 12-20+ hours at a time at this point.
Funny thing is? No matter how much sleep I get, even if I get the base recommended amount without under or over sleeping, I'm ALWAYS exhausted.
My doc has sent a referral for me to get a sleep study but they have yet to reach out to me. I suspect this may also contribute to my heart issues but idk for sure.
So yeah. It's not enough that I deal with shitty mental health issues on a constant, but also chronic physical health issues as well.
Worst part is my family is borderline poverty. Despite everything I'm STILL trying to get a job because my family needs the money, along with others in the house, including my oldest son and teenage son.
Yet for whatever reason, everyone claims they're hiring, yet won't hire any of us. For me, I understand. I always struggled to keep a job due to various issues. But my sons have a completely clean slate, and my roomie has a great resume with plenty of long history, yet no one will hire anyone. Not even McDonald's.
People act like it's all us. We try everything we can, from dressing up in our nicest clothes for the interview, following up with the job, being friendly, giving the interviewer our skills. Worst part is they act like they're fucking impressed, then turn around and claim they've decided to go with someone more qualified for the position, or they're not hiring anymore.
Yes, I know I'll hurt myself if I try working a job and pushing myself beyond my limits every day, but it's taking too damn long for disability to do shit. Disability is very hard to get in Texas for whatever reason and God it's stupid. It usually takes a minimum of 2-3 years for most, and we don't have that time.
The price of rent, groceries, and everything else keeps skyrocketing, yet my roomies won't get a raise on their disability, my husband won't get a raise on his job other than just a few cents once a year.
We're living by the skin of our teeth. Paycheck to paycheck. Most of our food comes from various food banks in the area we make multiple trips to a week.
Then when it comes to my mental health issues, I'm handling it the best that I possibly can.
My CPTSD has been flaring up. Then there's the other shit going on with my head I won't get into.
I'm nearly constantly haunted by trauma and I'm so fucking tired of it. I have to keep myself busy or it creeps into my mind. And I have somnophobia because every time I sleep I'm almost guaranteed to have a night terror. No, prasosin won't help.
Anyways that's a small portion of the shit im going through and why I probably won't be online much until I get shit sorted out.
Is it weird to be the happiest you've ever been in your life, yet also the most miserable??
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alright so my aunt died and now my dad is sad because that was his last living sibling so he against all odds is the oldest living person in his bloodline my sister told me about it and without thinking about it I simply said I'm sorry for your lost she told me to call my dad because he's depressed but I've been debating cutting my parents out of my life for 9 years now and in January I just stopped talking to them and I don't think I'll do that again. as previously stated I don't have any affection for this aunt she like my dad's first wife and always treated me and my sister (my dad's second wife's children) like the social rejects of the family when I was 17 or so I admitted to myself I didn't love any of these people let alone like them. at best I sympathize with some of them because they've been through some shit but they always managed to try to build themselves up by tearing me or my sister down so I'm not callous except I told my cousin I hate her and she deserved the hell she created for herself but I was 17. and right about that. the rest I just stopped talking to them a few of them follow me on ig but my page is public some of them are blocked tho. my aunt's death isn't a celebration or a relief I'm just indifferent it's like hearing a coworker's partner's relative died but the relative like yeah that was a human person but ultimately it was old age/50 year smoking habit it's not tragic unexpected sudden but I think about calling my dad and then I think about the 3 stints in the mental hospital I did for trying to kill myself because he and my mother fucked me up in ways were even to this day I think about killing my at least once a week (down from multiple times a day so progress I guess <3) why should I comfort them also my sister does my dad's mychart and his doctor tod him something is erong with his heart valve or something and depression from losing a family member forced into retirement (he had two strokes) depression from a child refusing to speak to you not changing your diet/exercise after a stroke means he hasn't got a lot of time left but then I remember when he punched me in the face so hard it swelled up my lip an a social worker told me I'll be graduating and going off to college soon so suck it up I guess (paraphrase but so many of them do not care at all) so why the goddamn hell should I care but I still sleep with the teddy bear he gave me 25 years ago and suppose I always will what will his death mean to me will I be indifferent will I go to work like nothing happened it'll destory my sister who desperately wants a relationship with them both but calls me confessing that she knows deep that won't happen I trauma dumped about being worried that social services won't care about the possible criminally neglected children in my class during professional development and ended up telling the whole spiel about my deal with physical and emotional abuse and the indifferent from almost every adult in my life if no one cared that I had my life threatened and was beaten no one but me is going to care that one of the girls seems to be scared of her father (never happy to see him, doesn't go to him unless walked over to him, hides from him sometimes...) did my teachers care and they knew no one else would do anything does anyone care should I kill myself now I bet it would hurt him the most if I did it now I won't but I know it would hurt if I did and it might be the last chance I get but it would hurt my sister in a way she doesn't deserve and who would be there to say no you're not crazy I was there when he pushed you into the painting and broke the glass and you fell down the stairs I didn't know falls down the stairs could be deadly at the time I told myself it was normal I told myself it was normal when our mom said committing suicide is selfish when you told her you wanted die I think you were 12 and I had to help you untie the phone cord you wrapped around your neck I don't allow myself to think about it often and I'll never bring it up it feels like I'm not supposed to
#I say I'll jump I never do#suicide mention ///#don't send me a fucking tumblr cares or whatever it's called#I'm as fine as I can possibly be#cptsd tag#actually cptsd#bpd tag#idk you can comment jus someone say something please#even if you don't know what to do say something#cptsd
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Home early with migraines.
Had one this morning, took my new meds (Ubrelvy), got motherfucking brain fog. 😭 Sounded like an idiot on air.
Got another migraine around 1300 and bounced. I’m done. I told Burly Man that I’d bitch at my neurologist and get better meds, and I will eventually, but the mychart app doesn’t have dark mode and I can’t hang with light mode right now. Will bitch later.
We had two terrible calls today, a preteen in cardiac arrest who didn’t survive, and a shooting. Everyone else gets all geeked up about shootings. I don’t. They’re stressful and they suck. If I never had to dispatch another one, it would be too soon.
I called Jay* after the cardiac arrest. Knowing that my own kid is okay helps me feel better after sad pediatric calls…but it doesn’t help that poor kid’s mom.
* “What’s up, just wanted to say hi and I love you! Doing okay? Oh good. Okay, love you, bye!” (I don’t actually tell him what happened, he doesn’t want or need to know that.)
Anyway. I’m gonna be a piece of furniture until bedtime.
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