#caboose getting them all weapons was so sweet

[hidingoutbackstage]

Okay I’m STILL procrastinating watching s15 bc I’m SCARED so here’s my extremely biased ratings/opinions on the episodes of s14 to help me procrastinate (episodes which are multiple parts of a single story will be condensed into one slot)

Room Zero: SO cute and good, I LOVED the animation style, it was simple and short but really well done with great colors, fun alien designs, and fluid animation, and I just like seeing the guys go on missions like that. It's a shame that the animated show never got picked up bc I would've adored seeing more of it. 10/10

From Stumbled Beginnings: Very cute and funny origin story for Simmons and Grif, and I love that they were p much always together since they enlisted lmao makes their dynamic rlly good and the humor actually got a couple laughs out of me. 8/10

Fifty Shades of Red: Sarge's humor never quite landed with me like is has for some people (my boyfriend lmao I literally have to pause episodes sometimes so he can stop laughing. Anyway) but it was a very humorous and in character origin for him as well. 5/10

Why They’re Here: Less interesting than the previous two, obviously just meant to fill in plot "holes" and to also show us the origins of the other characters. Also I am completely ignoring that one line from Tucker in the interview, just gonna chalk it up to the "edgy" humor it does not exist to me. 4/10

The Brick Gulch Chronicles: WONDERFUL stop motion, very fun and cute and entertaining, very wholesome and still in the vibe with what the show itself is. I appreciate the willingness to do stop motion for most of it. 10/10

Red Army Unit FH57’s Adventure: It was kinda interesting and kinda funny but I found myself kinda tuning it out cuz it just felt kinda whatever. The combo of the different animation styles was cool though and I thought the ship misunderstanding them was funny. 5/10

Locus and Felix: Okay I'm gonna be a black sheep for a second and say that I rlly don't care that much about Locus and Felix. I don't think Felix is a secretly deep sadboi whom I'm gonna spend an unnecessary amount of time thinking about, I don't think Locus as secretly good all along, and I don't care that much about their partnership and what they were like before Chorus. That being said, the animation here is absolutely gorgeous, this is probably my favorite animated story in the whole season, it looks awesome. The plot is nothing special but who cares like I said it's beautiful, 6/10

Fight the Good Fight!: VERY funny and well-executed propaganda video, short and sweet and nothing more to it. It does its job. 5/10

Meta vs. Carolina: Dawn of Awesome: Another one I really don't care for because literally everything leading UP to the fight between Meta and Carolina is a waste of time. Maybe some people really care about their weapons and stats, but I don't. And even then, you kinda know Carolina is gonna win the fight, the question is just how. 4/10

Grey vs. Gray: I don't know or care about the Game Grumps and the entire thing felt like a short gag that went on for way too long with a predictable ending. 2/10

Caboose's Guide to Making Friends: Again, ADORABLE art style and very cute having a story be told from Caboose's perspective. 7/10

Head Cannon: Kinda funny I guess. I wish we'd gotten it spread out more equally among the heads Omega jumped into. Ik he didn't spend equal time in there but who cares. Whatever, still funny. 5/10

Get Bent: I LAUGHED PROBABLY THE HARDEST AT THIS ONE AND THAT'S MOSTLY BC OF LESBIAN DONUT IT CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD AND IT WAS HILARIOUS (also hello, bisexual church?) 9/10

Red vs. Blue: The Musical: it was fine. it was creative. The dancing was well animated. Enjoyable. 5/10

Mr. Red vs. Mr. Blue: I haven't seen Reservoir Dogs but Kaikaina was in this which automatically boosts it to a 8/10 (I also like that they have movie nights it's cute)

RvB Throwdown: Fine but mostly forgettable. 3/10

The Triplets Story: REALLY interesting concept (y'all know I love the freelancers) that felt like it dragged on too long and only gave Ohio something to do. 4/10

Immersion: The Warthog Flip: I loved the costumes and the actual Warthog and it got a couple laughs out of me. 5/10

Red vs. Blue vs. Rooster Teeth: This was made for the fans/themselves. As someone who is neither, none of it was funny and I just kinda waited for it to be over. At least the animation of the armor irl looked rlly good

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for printing Rupees and quote-unquote “crashing the economy”?

tl;dr:

I’m a legendary Knight chosen by the goddess of my world to team up with a princess from said goddess’s bloodline to protect the kingdom from an ancient evil that keeps reincarnating itself every 20,000 or so years, but probably won’t be coming back now that we found and destroyed it’s source. But before that happened, roughly 100 years ago one of it’s incarnations successfully managed to kick my caboose and send me into a 100 year slumber during which it would go on to bring the kingdom to it’s knees, which lead us to have to do a LOT of rebuilding

It also came back as some guy named Ganondamboyhethick and I got my rear veered again, but I kicked his harder, so

Anyways, during my quest to save the kingdom the second time, I noticed the prices for a lot of the things from the General and Clothing Stores I went to to get all my sweet new armor first time around had skyrocketed. And this is where I may be the asshole

This was a problem because so far every time I get my booty bonked I’m left with nothing but whatever underwear I had on at the time and whatever I can find in the places I wake up. Which isn’t exactly “Saving the kingdom” material

So I spent most of my journey wearing basically glorified cardboard until I stumbled upon a diamond, which is worth a lot of money. And then I got an idea

See, I have the power to Fuse things to any weapon I use. Including arrows. And my world has these things you would call “Centaurs”, which have special bows that can shoot multiple arrows. So I killed one, Fused a diamond to my arrow, and boom: Three diamonds. I eventually got a better bow though, so now I can make Five at a time instead (For Context: Diamonds sell for 500 Rupees each)

So fast forward to when I save the kingdom and the princess notices the economy is in shambles. She has this “College” thing she wants to build but doesn’t have the funds because the economy is in shambles. So I ask her how much she needs and give her that amount in Diamonds and we go to pay for the college to be built, but then apparently her calculations of the price were off because the guy says we need a little more, so I give him some more Diamonds, and then she asks me how I got them, so I tell her: I “printed” them (That’s not how I said it but apparently that’s what it’s called)

Ans then she’s suddenly mad at me for singlehandedly crashing the economy, which she’s right about, but in my defense the economy was already crashed and I was just doing what I needed to do to save the kingdom. And it’s bullhuey that I have to say “I don’t have the money to save the kingdom” in the first place. I mean, could you imagine if I hadn’t printed those Rupees and everybody died because I couldn’t pay to save them?

(Also please don’t be too hard on her on the comments. Restoring a fallen kingdom can be a really stressful job, and honestly, I’m surprised it took her this long to blow up about it)

[infartoomanyfandoms]

This is so cute!! 😭

A Very Red Christmas in Blood Gulch

I have this scene stuck in my head, sorry if its not super great, its been a long time since I wrote anything decent

Hope you enjoy!

---

"Merry Christmas, Sarge!" Donut saluted quickly (and improperly) before shoving a gift bag towards Sarge.

"Appreciated, now where's everyone else?"

"Just coming, sir", simmons wandered into the room with Grif in tow. Simmons was in his undersuit but Grif was still in pyjamas, looking like he'd just rolled out of bed, which he probably had. Lopez came in last.

"Good. Now men, today is the greatest, and reddest, holiday of them all. Christmas! And so we will be celebrating appropriately. Here's your cards."

Sarge quickly handed each of them a card.

"Uhh, where we supposed to be getting gifts? Because I didnt so that", Grif yawned while opening his card.

"Grif, I would expect nothing more than for you to be a disappointment even on the reddest holiday of the year, which is why I entrusted Simmons with buying a gift for me in your name"

Simmons was currently staring at the front of his card with watery eyes. The card said 'Merry Christmas to my Son'.

"....dude, are you crying?" Grif hadnt been moved at all by his own card, which also said son on the front but had a torrent of insults written inside it.

"What, no! Of course not." Simmons quickly dried his eyes and then handed over two gifts to sarge, "Merry Christmas, sir. Thank you for the card."

"Kissas"

"Shut up"

Donut looked over to where lopez was staring at his card, he couldn't really tell how lopez felt about it, because lopez didn't have a face, but luckily Donut was pretty good-ish at reading body language.

"Don't like your card, Lopez? Whats wrong, do you not like Christmas?... ohh, are you Jewish? We shouldn't have assumed"

".......No. No soy judío. Soy un robot."

Donut turned to Lopez, "robots can still celebrate holidays! I heard that Sheila is celebrating," he said teasingly, "I also heard caboose got her a really nice present, you'll have to get her something really good if you're gonna win her heart!"

Lopez didn't say anything but he walked away after few moments.

"Ah young robot love." donut sighed.

"Time to go deliver cards to the blues, men" sarge picked up his gun and another 6 cards before heading out.

"Fine, but I'm not putting clothes on." Grif grumbled before leaving, still in his pyjamas.

Donut grabbed more gift bags and skipped out after them.

Simmons was last to leave, he had taken his card back to his bunk and was just sitting looking at it. It was stupid, he thought, to get so emotional about something as small as a card. But he just couldn't help it, the card and the words on it were the best gift he'd gotten in years. He gave it one last look and smiled before running out to join the others.

---

Lopez had joined them on the walk over.

"Did you find a gift for Sheila, Lopez?" Donut asked as they walked.

"Si." Lopez held up a spanner that he'd stuck a red bow on.

"Aww, I bet she'll love it!"

Grif leaned into Simmons. "Whats a tank gonna do with a spanner?" He whispered.

"...why are you asking me?"

They arrived at blue base.

"Hellooo! We're here for Christmas!" Donut yelled.

Church stumbled out of blue base still in his pyjamas.

"Hey, shut the fuck up reds, people are trying to sleep!"

"At 12pm? You're worse than Grif." Simmons responded.

"Not true, I'd get up at 3pm if you'd let me."

Sarge put his gun away and pulled out some cards.

"Alright blue, get the rest of your filthy buddies out here, we've got cards for ya"

"And presents!" Donut added.

"Presents?!" Caboose poked his head out of blue base's entry way, he was already fully dressed in armor.

"Here's yours, caboose!" Donut held out a dark blue gift bag for Caboose who quickly ran over like an excited puppy.

"Oh I love gifts! I got gifts for all of you too! Just wait here and I'll go get them."

"Now wait a minute there blue, I gotta give you your card", sarge handed caboose a card and then tossed another at church.

"I don't celebrate Christmas" church said flatly, bot bothering to open the card.

"Of course you don't, you're a blue and this is a red holiday! Consider this an act of war!" Sarge yelled back.

"Thats not— y'know what, nevermind"

Church wandered back into blue base.

"Tell the rest of your buddies to get out here!" Sarge shouted after him.

Caboose had torn open the his card and was slowly reading through it. His card said 'to my son' like the reds' cards but had 'blue' written in pen above the word son, inside it had a message about how caboose was pretty great for a blue and would always be welcome on red team (if he was willing to give up his blue ways).

"Aww, thank you seargent!" Caboose picked up sarge to big him a big hug, "I like being on blue team, but the card is very very nice."

Sarge tried to look unbothered by the bone crushing hug.

"Dont mention it blue." He crossed his arms, "seriously, never, ever mention it."

Eventually Tex and Tucker stumbled out the base, looking similarly dressed to church.

"Why did Church wake me up just to talk to you guys?" Tucker groaned.

"We brought gifts! For Christmas." Donut held up the gift bags to show them.

"Oh so this Christmas thing is actually a celebration and not just an excuse to get drunk?" Tex joked.

"Seriously, Tex, what planet were you born on that you haven't heard of Christmas before?"

"Earth"

"I dont buy it"

"Ahem!" Sarge interrupted their conversation. "Here."

The two took their cards as well as their gifts from Donut.

"How did you actually get cards that say 'to my enemy' on them?" Tex asked.

"To Minor Junior Private Tucker negative third class— thats not a real rank— have a terrible Christmas, lots of hate, from red seargent of the red army, the greatest army in all of blood gulch." Tucker read his card out. "Gee thanks."

"Your welcome."

"Thanks for the invitation to join red team Sarge but unless your gonna pay me I have to decline." Tex's card had included a very inspiring message about how great things would be if she joined the red team.

"Hey sarge, you want me to pay Tex 300 bucks to join red team?" Simmons asked.

"You clearly don't know my prices."

Caboose came back out the base carrying a pile of haphazardly wrapped gifts.

"I brought my gifts presents, here you go!" Caboose's tossed a gift at each of the reds. Each one was clearly some sort of gift wrapped weapon.

"Thanks.... caboose..." Grif said, looking at what was definitely a hand pistol.

"Oh I love grenades!" Donut said, "thank you caboose, these are perfect."

Caboose grinned.

"Your welcome!"

"Oh! You know what, I've actually been wanting to get a knife for ages," Simmons said, "thanks Caboose."

"Mm. No blue shotgun will ever replace my superior red shotgun, but I... appreciate it," Sarge said reluctantly.

"What did you get, Lopez?" Donut asked.

"Un rifle roto. voy a encontrar a Sheila."

"Huh, hey Caboose did you know that the gun you gave Lopez is broken?"

"Yes."

Tucker looked between caboose and lopez.

"This is getting weird again, I'm going back in."

Tex turned to the reds.

"Well thanks for coming by but we've got our own Christmas stuff to do I assume, see ya"

"Ah yes. I better go too, bye guys! Thanks for the presents, Merry Christmas!" Caboose yelled before running back inside.

"Well that was nice, should we go back?" Donut asked, " I made Christmas snacks and they're ready to eat!"

Why didn't you say so, let's go" Grif turned away and started heading back to red base, going faster than he had on the way there.

They all started heading after him, ready for a day of very-red Christmas celebrations.

Sarge watched his team with a strange warm feeling in his chest.

"Merry Christmas, boys."

[niqhtlord01]

Well howdy holy shit we’re still alive! 

Honestly it’s a bit surprising we’ve lasted this long in a world that’s either on fire, in the grips of a deadly plague, or about to be over run by giant murder hornets! 

Safe to say we need a break from all this violence and madness, by watching our favorite characters commit violence and go mad in another round of ROOSTHER TEETH CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!

Julian: *Hologram appears* Felix: Lieutenant Dan! You ain’t got no legs no more! Julian: Seriously? Felix: *Draws knife and gun* Couldn’t resist; it cracks me up every time.   ------------------------------------------  

Tucker: *Draws energy sword*  Jaune: So your weapon is just a sword?  Tucker: Hey! Don’t go talking shit about swords! Jaune: *Merges sword and shield to make claymore* I would never. ----------------------------------------------

Roman: *Walks in, throws cigar on the ground and stomps on it*  US: Awe, is the minor villain getting upset over their death? Roman: Remind me again, how many seasons you were in? Oh right, you barely lasted an episode. US: *Flips coin, turns to nano tech* Come here you clockwork orange rip off. 

----------------------------------------------

Cinder: *Levitates in on fire* Nemesis: Kill the copy. Cinder: I’m no ones copy. Nemesis: *Nano tech cloud flickers* You steal powers of others. Y-y-you use their p-power. You ar-ar-are a copy. KILL THE COPY! ----------------------------------------------

Nomad: *Walks in with wind blowing poncho* Sun: So if I punch you, will I get magic powers and wishes? Nomad: *Thinks for moment, shrugs*  Sun: *Extends staff* For my first wish I think I’ll make you crack a smile. ---------------------------------------------

Church: *Hologram appears*  Rufus: Computer disable hologram, I’m too busy for this nonsense.  Church: I’m sorry but I couldn’t hear that; could you try speaking without my fucking fist shoved down your god damn mouth!? Rufus: *Caliban activates and stands up* A violent hologram? Gods I can hear the 90′s calling all over again. --------------------------------------------

Toth: *Sheathes blade*  Locus: Do you fight for glory?  Toth: I fight for something much larger than petty glory.  Locus: *Activates stealth* Right answer.  -------------------------------------------

Blake: *Swings in* Grif: So If I gave you catnip is that like giving a minor drugs?  Blake: I don’t know if I should be more surprised or angry right now.  Grif: *Hefts bruteshot* If I put your catnip freak out up on youtube maybe I could make some of that sweet furry money; those sick fucks are always loaded. ------------------------------------------

Ironwood: *Walks in loading pistol* Caboose: Did you get your hand stuck in a vending machine too?  Ironwood: ....... Caboose: *Draws freckles* That’s okay, I really wanted those skittles too.  -----------------------------------------

Penny: *Super hero landing* Don: Well you’re no nomad, but one magical person is as good as another. Penny: Oh I’m not magic, I’m a product of science!  Don: *Draws sword* Science, magic, whatever; you are my meal ticket out of this hell hole! -----------------------------------------

Ruby: *Twirls scythe* Dr. Grey: I hear you have a nice set of silver eyes.  Ruby: Are you hear to take them as well? Dr. Grey: *Pulls out scalpel* In a manner of speaking.  -----------------------------------------

 Salem: *Grim part to allow her through* Valentina: So are you into kinky things or do you normally dress like that? Salem: I am a goddess of this world and you shall bow before me.  Valentina: *activates cloak* Kinky it is then. 

[starstrike]

Listen I've licherally(ha) thought abt this for months so here's my rvb dnd au

Grif: Aasimar cleric. Aasimar are humans with angel blood who get yelled at by celestial beings to go meet their destiny. Grif does not want to meet his destiny. The only reason he hasn't Fallen is that huggins absolutely refuses to give up on him.

Simmons: Half-elf wizard. Look, he's a nerd with daddy issues who could never live up to his elf father's expectations. Probably school of transmutation (the nerdiest school).

Sarge: Dwarf fighter. A lesser woman would say barbarian but Sarge loves his armor (and his battleaxe).

Lopez: Earth elemental dude who refuses to speak in common. Owes Sarge a life debt but isn't happy about it

Donut: Tiefling bard. His skin isn't pink, it's lightish red! College of glamour. Drives you insane with musical numbers

Doc: Gnome warlock with a pact with a Great Old One. Claims to be a cleric. Is definitely not a cleric.

Church: A Warforged sorcerer made in the image of an elf who rediscovered the secret to making them(hint: it was the director). Warforged are a canon playable race in dnd, and are essentially living armor constructs.

Tucker: Halfling hexblade warlock. Hexblades get a cool weapon bound to them from a patron. Tucker had a kid with his. The powers are kind of like child support

Caboose: Firbolg ranger. Sweet boy with a massive dire wolf named Freckles. Firbolgs range from 7 to 8 feet and live in the woods away from society. Caboose got seperated from his tribe and is just doing his best to help out :)

Tex: Also a warforged made by the director. Barbarian monk multiclass. Does not need a weapon to kick your ass.

Sister: Aasimar paladin. Thrillseeker. Much better at fulfilling her destiny than Grif.

Agent Washington: Human fighter/rogue multiclass. In the words of Griffin McElroy, a roughboi. Jack of all trades and great with a sword.

Agent Carolina: Half elf monk. Look. I get it, big half-orc lady hot. But look me in the eyes and tell me the director and allison aren't an elf and a human pair of star-crosser lovers that were never truly compatible. Also, she's a way of the open palm monk because listen,, that's her fighting style don't @ me.

[jokerfan99]

Diabolical Thieves!!! (RWBY/RVB) by Necroceph

*RVB Opening Theme*

2300 Hours in Red Base's Living Quarters

Ruby awakens from the rumbling beneath her heart that is her stomach. She sits up and get out off bed before heading toward the door and into the slightly lit hallway. Despite having two bowls of ramen back at dinner, her stomach still cries out for more sustanance. In order to calm it down, she decides to get a midnight snack and then return to bed.

Ruby: Now where's the food dispenser? Aha!

She sees the dispensing machine on the corridor's walls up ahead. Still on tonight's menu, there's turkey dinner, chef's special, ramen etc. Though what caught her eye the most on the menu is good old sweet cookies. The military version, although she wouldn't mind so long it's enough. She presses the menu and machine dispenses her order. She grabs the plastic covering and start to open it, until her eyes caught a glimpse of the locker room's lights.

Ruby: That's funny, I thought Lopez turned off the light.

Ruby heads to the locker room to investigate. When she enters, there doesn't seem to be anyone inside. Its empty. Before she was about to leave, she noticed one of the lockers are open and on it is engraved with the name, her name. 'ROSE'. Then she starts to become worried. She rushes to her locker and looks inside. Her face turns to pure horror.

At Sarge's Room

Sarge: Of course, Douglas MacArthur. Have some more tea. No Sun Tzu, it's not Chinese, it's English!

Here we see Sarge, sleeping peacefully with a Patton doll wrapped in his hands. From what he's muttering, we can tell his dreaming himself having tea with the greatest generals in Earth's history. Must be peaceful in that head of his.

Ruby: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Not anymore. A loud scream was enough to wake him up. He shot up from his bed with his arms posed for a close-quarters combat.

Sarge: Who goes there?! Show yourself in the name of the Red Army! Huh, must be nothing. Ruby: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Sarge: Or not. Sweet jibblets, that sounds like Rose!

Sarge then jumps out of hid bed and rushes towards his personnal locker. He quickly opens it and grabs both his helmet and trusty shotgun. Now armed and ready, instead of opening the door like a normal person, he kicks it down before running through the hallway heading towards the source. Until he runs onto an obstacle that is Donut. Both men fell onto the ground.

Donut: Ow, my spline! Sarge: Donut? What are you doing here?

Both of them got up.

Donut: I was asking the exact same thing. Ow! What's happened? Who'd be screaming so close to midnight? Sarge: That's the sound of Rose in peril and it came from the locker room! There must be a Blue intruder in here who seeks to sabotage our plans and he's possibly holding Rose hostage! Donut: Yikes! We better wake up the rest! Sarge: That will take too much time, we need to move NOW!!!

At the locker room

Ruby: She's gone. She's gone.

We see Ruby with her knees on the floor. Tears flowing down from her large silver eyes like waterfalls as she continues muttering 'She's gone' again and again like a mantra. At the same time, Sarge and Donut arrived at the scene.

Sarge: Freeze dirtbag and let go of my private! No wait, it's just Rose sitting there. She's fine. Donut: Oh crap. Rose, are you okay? Ruby: WAAAAAAAH!!!

Ruby launches herself onto Donut, hugging him tightly around and burrowing her face onto his pink striped pajama shirt soaking it with her seemingly neverending tears.

Ruby: It's horrible! She's gone, she's GONE!!! Donut: Gone? Who's gone? Ruby: Crescent Rose. Sarge: Rose, compose yourself and explain us clearly! What do you mean gone? Ruby: *sniff* My rifle... my baby... SOMEONE KIDNAPPED HER!!!

Ruby points at the inside of her locker. Inside was supposed to store Crescent Rose, Ruby's sniper rifle. But there is no sight of it anywhere and all that's left is a sticky note with writing saying, 'NO TOUCHY -Love, Ruby'.

Donut: Oh, her rifle's gone. That's no big de-GAAAH!!!

Ruby suddenly violently shakes Donut by the collar.

Ruby: No big deal? NO BIG DEAL?!?! CRESCENT ROSE IS AN EXTENSION OF MYSELF! SHE'S A PART OF ME... me.... WAAAHAAAAAA!!!

Continues crying on his shirt. Feeling both pity and confused, Donut pats Ruby's back and tries to comfort her.

Donut: There, there. Everything's going to fine! Uhm, Sarge?

Sarge takes a closer look at the locker. He noticed something locker's door. Above the handle is a hole where the lock should be. It looks as though somebody torched it.

Sarge: Suffering catfish! Someone did stole her rifle! WHO DARES SIGN THEIR OWN DEATH WARRANT!!! Nobody steals the private property of my favourite markswoman! Donut: Doesn't make sense, who would want to steal a single wea... uh,  I mean... Crescent Rose.   Sarge: It's obviously the Blues! They must've realized how powerful Crescent Rose was in combat and they decided to steal it for their own diabolical schemes! Possibly mass-produce it. Donut: You mean like, tearing it apart from the inside and... Ruby: That's not helping!!! Donut: Sorry, sorry! So what do we do? Sarge: Simple, we'll steal it back by force! Call Lopez, Simmons and Grif.

Somewhere on of the cliffs near Blue Base

BANG!

Simmons: Holy shit!!! Another clean shot!

Simmons was more disbelieved to witness the accuracy of the shot. Grif silently laughs by Simmon's reaction as he aim for another shot with Crescent Rose.

Grif: So what do we have next? Simmons: Hmm, let's see.

Through the binoculars. he could see the damage Grif cause with the rifle, from the destruction of the tank's control panels to the Blue base's floodlights. To test the trajectory, he'll need to find something much further. Moving away from the base to another shooting area, he spots is bush much further and on that bush is a small red fruit on it.

Simmons: See that small fruit on that bush to the left? Grif: Yeah? Simmons: Shoot it. Grif: With pleasure.

Grif steadily aims at the fruit. Despite Crescent Rose's large size, it is surprisingly light so it wasn't a problem to hold it by hand. Once the crosshair's aimed at the fruit, he pulls the trigger.

BANG! SPLUUUURTT!

The explosive sound echoed through the cold night air. In a second, through Simmon's binoculars, the fruit exploded into a gooey mash, leaving nothing but bits and such.

Simmons: Alright, I think that's done it! Grif: Man, why didn't Command make this kind of weapon in the first place? It's awesome! Simmons: I totally agree. It's powerful, accurate and more lighter than the standard sniper rifles. Just imagine if we mass-produce this kind of weapon and equip the army with it, it'll be a turning point to the war. Grif: And we can finally end it early! If only Rose isn't so clinged to it all the time. Simmons: Oh I'm sure she'll understand how beneficial it would be. It'll only take a few tear outs to figure out its functionality.

TZZT

Donut through radio: This is Pvt. Franklin Delano Donut, do you read me over?

Donut's voice came through both of their helmets' radios. Simmons responsed first.

Simmons: Read you loud and clear, Donut. What are you doing up so late at- Donut through radio: Where are you guys? You weren't in your rooms! Simmons: Yeah sorry about that, we were doing a late night spying on the Blues. What's wrong? Donut through radio: We... kinda have a bit of emergency. You know Crescent Rose, Ruby's weapon? Someone stole it.

Simmons and Grif looked at one another with worried looks behind their visors

Simmons: Uhm... stolen? How? Donut through radio: Well an intruder entered the base just and we found a hole burned through Ruby's locker, possbily made by a hand-held blow torch. Sarge suspects its the Blues and since your both outside, have you seen anyone out there holding it? Simmons: Uh.. negative we haven't seen anyone out here nor anybody leaving the Blue base. Donut through radio: I see. Well then if you see them, do whatever it takes to stop 'em. Pvt. Franklin Delano Donut out!

CLICK

Grif: We are so dead. Simmons: We? You're the one who decided on the 'dirty work'! We should've opened that locker discreetly! Grif: It's locked up tight like ancient Fort Knox! There's no way we can pick it with a pin. Simmons: Whatever! Fuck, we can't let the others know. Grif: Or worse, Sarge. We gotta hide it. Simmons: And where Do we hide it, genius? Grif: How the fuck should I know? Bury it maybe? Simmons: Wait, I have an idea! Donut said Sarge suspects its the Blue's work, right? Grif: Ooooh, I know what you're thinking. Hehehehe. Let's put it in Caboose's room.

Deviantart: https://www.deviantart.com/necroceph

[hasbrobear-nsfw]

NoraXJaune

(Requested by @arc-carnage )

“RAGH!” Jaune hit the boulder again only for it not to budge at all. He let out a yell and threw the rock he was holding on the ground. Near him Nora day on a bigger rock twiddling her fingers nervously. “Guess I overreacted with those grenades huh fearless leader?”

Jaune sighed and sat on the rock in front of her. The pink bomber felt bad. “Jau-“ The Arc sighed. “Not now Nora.”

She flinched at his tone. He was stressed, mad, and tired at the same time ever since they got separated from their group. They stayed quiet for a bit until Nora spoke up. “I’m sorry about what I did.” The stress got to jaune as he snapped. “Well you should be!”

She looked at him in surprise as he did too. He let out a tired sigh and sat down ashamed. “I-I’m Sorry. It’s just, I thought this day would go my way. But guess fate has other plans.” He rubbed his face a bit. “Hey it’s my fault we’re stuck in here so why don’t I help break us o-“ He immediately answered back. “Can’t, if you shoot another grenade the whole cave will collapse.”

He said in a more tired than angry tone. Nora pouted as she thought to herself for a bit. Then she had a lightbulb above her head. “I got it!”  She took out a couple more grenades and the new ones Ruby made requested by her leader of course. “Tada!”

She had two lighting grenades in her hands and Jaune perked up at the sight of them. “Great idea Nora! Use the grenades to make you stronger and then we can both move the rocks out of the way!” Nora smiled brightly happy that he wasn’t down in the dumps anymore. “And that’s why your leader.”

She popped one and it shocked her as she used the strength to move some boulders around and Jaune did his best to help and they were making it through until the cave shook and then collapsed on them. Seeing a boulder fall towards Nora.

“NORA!”  Jaune quickly grabbed her by the waist the pulled her with him as they landed in his shield. The rest of the cave collapsed but surprisingly didn’t hurt them, just made the room even more cramp. “Damnit!” He yelled out as Nora tried to soften the mood. “Hey at least we know it wouldn’t work right? Ehehehe…”

Jaune sighed as he looked around. Nora was stuck on his chest and they had little room to even stand. “it’s ok Nora are you hurt?” Nora checked herself but felt something poke her thigh.  “Well no. But something is poking into my thigh. Must be a sharp stalactite.” Jaune remembered there were no stone pillars on the ground. “Isn’t It Stalag-“

Jaune Froze and realized what she meant. The cave had no Stalagmites and he was too busy keeping Nora safe to notice his own erection grow. He may or may have not looked at Nora’s caboose when she bent down to reach a boulder and couple times and now with her breasts pressed against his chest and her face so close to his, the heat of the situation was going up.

’Please don’t notice. Please don’t notice!’ He internally panicked as Nora got confused. “Wait a second…” His breath hitched before he felt a hand on his bulge. “It’s like it’s covered in fabric….. Hmm.” She turned her body to get a closer look at it and when her face was on the bulge she failed to notice Jaunes face was directly in front of her own ass.

“Hmmm……” She poked it a few times and it twitched. She then found the zipper and realized what she was actually doing and had a large blush grow on her face. “Hey Jaune.” Jaune gulped and answered back. “Y-Yes Nora?”  she then referred back to the stone. “Do you have a stalagmite in your pants?~”

If she could see Jaunes face he would be a blushing mess as she started gripping it with her hand. “You know. I’ve did hold these types of feelings for you Jaune.”  Hearing this the arc paused. “What?”  Nora blushed as she closed her eyes and spoke her feelings. “I-I kinda sort of. Maybe like you a lot.” Her leader wanted to know a bit more. “What brought this up?” Nora rubbed his bulge with a hand and let out a laugh. “Well besides the large 9 foot stalagmite in my hand, you’ve been so nice to me and don’t get too mad at me for my mistakes. When anyone else but Ren would be annoyed and walk away.” His cheeks burned as well as he felt her hand. “Ah… w-well you’re a valued member of JNPR Nora. We wouldn’t be the s-Ah!Me. Without you.” Nora took in a deep breath. “Jaune. I’m just going to. Say it I love you.”

Jaune was shocked to say the least but the shock changed when he felt his member become free to the cool air. He could practically feel Nora’s hot breath blow against it. “N-Nor-“ The pink bomber silenced him. “Shhhh. Let me do his for you my fearless leader~”

She started to lick the long shaft from top to bottom as Jaunes fingers found themselves on her slim waist. He was attracted to women yes like Weiss for being so elegant and beautiful, and Pyrrha for being so kind and strong. But Nora…. she was beautiful and really strong, and despite lacking some form of elegance (though in her own way mind you) she was beautiful in her own Nora’y way.

His thoughts were stopped when Nora shifted her body a bit and her skirt was closing in on his face. He decided to help her as well. First he moved his arms to go around Nora’s legs and moved her skirt up. And there it was her cute bubbly butt. Nora meanwhile had taken to sucking on Jaunes cock for all it’s worth only to stop and let out a cute moan when something Warm, wet, and Spongy touched her panties. She let out a long moan. “Hoooooh….. Jaune…”

Jaune used his hand and moved the fabric aside to reveal Nora’s glistening womanhood. He then started licking it and felt Nora’s legs shake a bit from the pleasure. ’Is it odd that it’s sweet? Probably from all the Syrup and Pancakes she eats’ He thought to himself as he started enjoying pleasuring Nora.

Regardless Jaune was enjoying his time with the pink bomber as she continued to service him. Then soon enough both were reaching their limits and were close to climaxing. “HmmmJmmm~!” “Nmmhmmmm!” they moaned each others name during their orgasm. They both came at the same time with Nora’s mouth being overflowed and Jaune drinking up her sweet nectar. Nora pulled away with a flushed face as she panted. “Pfwaaa…. Wow Jaune…” Jaune moved away as his mouth had her juices on him. “Ha… Ha… that was… amazing.”

Nora then moved herself to have her face near Jaunes again. She smiled as she cuddled to his chest. “I’m so happy right now.” Her leader let out his own smile as he put an arm around her back. “Yeah me too.”

X

The two looked at each other as their blue eyes locked on and they kissed with Nora being the more dominant one as she tasted herself on Jaunes lips. Soon oxygen called and they retracted. “Woah….. I taste great..” She giggled while Jaune was still dazed.

“hehe. Hahaha.” Jaune started laughing and Nora joined in too as they hugged each other with their laughed echoing through the cave.

(Outside)

Ruby was looking around the forest as they got to the cave entrance. “Oh where could they be!” Their chaperone Glynda calmed her down. “It’s alright Mrs. Rose well find them eventually.” Blake who was nearby heard their laughter and looked at a small hole in the ground. She called the others. “Their over here!” They came over the cave. “Good job Blake.”  They started to dig their way in with Glynda moving the boulders aside.

(Inside)

Nora was now comfortably laying on Jaunes chest as she looked at the cramps walls. “You know. If we live here we could still keep going.” Jaune looked at her oddly. “Nora as much as I would love to keep going, I’d rather we be more comfortable.” The pink bomber was panicking a bit seeing how long they’ve been in there. “But…. it could take days! Weeks! Even years! All’s they’d find are two virgin body’s that stuck tog-“ They then saw a light break open as their teacher found them. “There you two are!” Nora pouted a bit as they were being taken out. “Drat.“

Once they got out of the cave they both were given water and food as they got ready to leave. As they started stretching Nora saw Jaune Looking her way and decided to stretch and reach down for her toes. “Ah~ morning like a good stretch Eh fearless leader~”  Jaunes face turned scarlet. “Oh! Uh yeah that’s right Nora.”

He saw that she had no panties on and was wondering where were her pink undies? His attention was teken by his fellow leader. “Hey Jaune you’ve got something in your hoodie.”

“I do?” Jaune reached for it and felt a soft moist fabric and froze. He smiled and looked at Ruby.  “It’s Nothing Just a leaf.” Ruby smiled at him and nodded. “Ok!”

He took the piece of paper that was with the undergarments.

“So ready to get into the actual fun eh fearless leader? I know I am~”

XOXO Nora~

A few days after the cave incident Jaune and Nora’s friends start to notice how close they were getting. Ren was fine with it of course, and others like Yang, Blake and Weiss were happy for them it didn’t pay much mind. Though the two other red heads of the group were irked by this.

Ruby sighed walking through the hallways with her weapon. “well…. maybe I should polish Crescent rose to get my mind off it.” Ruby was a bit sad to hear that her crush was taken but was still happy for the two of them and tried to ignore it. That is until she didn’t notice which room she went into JNPRs.

Ruby immediately got her weapon and a rag with some tools to polish it until she heard noises coming from the door. “Come on Jaune!” She heard Nora’s voice and then Jaunes. “Alright Alright.” She quickly dashed into the closet with her weapon and peeked through the opening a bit and was surprised to see Jaune and Nora kissing like horny teenagers. ’Wait a minute… They are horny teenagers!’

She kept quiet with a crimson hue gathered on her face seeing them get more intimate. “Jaune. Remember that note I gave you?” Jaune recalled the note and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Time to use it!” Saying that Nora quickly stripped herself of her uniform and was now bare for only Jaune(and Ruby) to see. Now Ruby was not one to get jealous but when she saw Nora’s ass and breasts she grew a bit envious for her. “Come on Jaune ~”

“O-ok….” He was flustered since he hasn’t seen her whole body naked only the best parts on some occasions. He started stripping himself of his uniform and that’s when he heard a gasp come from someone. Jaune paused and looked around. “What was that?” in the closet Rubys eyes were wide as she saw his member between his legs. ’Oh my god…. that’s not a katana…. it’s a freaking Claymore!’ Nora just shook her head and smirked at his body now in view. “Who cares, lets get started shall we?~”

She then got on her knees as started to rub Jaunes cock with both hands while licking the tip. She pulled away and poked his cockhed. “BOOP!~ She heard Jaunes hard breathing and grew a blush on her cheeks.

Ruby meanwhile looked at them with labored breath as she started to fondle her own breasts in response. ’I shouldn’t be doing this’  She looked at the two again and saw Nora moving one hand down to her own pussy. Rubys eyes widened at the hot act. ’Oh my gosh!’ Nora felt herself getting wetter as she started sucking on Jaunes cock even more to the point where he was close.

“Nora.here it comes!” She moved her head back as he shot his load out all over her face. She sighed happily and wiped it off with her hand and licked it. “Just like last time.” Jaune smirked at the Valkerie. “Heh well last time we were in a cramped cave. This time.” He went behind Nora and picked her up and sat on the bed as she placed her feet on his thighs. “We have more room to move.” Nora let out a giggle as she felt him kiss her neck a bit. “Jaune that tickles!- Ah~”

She felt him bite her neck and suck on it for a bit before retracting his mouth. Her sweet skin now had a hickey on it. “Naughty~ you know I’m going to give you more of these right?~” She purred as she felt the pleasurable sting from the love mark. “I was hoping for one or two.” He laughed nervously, he did want them but not too many that people would stare at him oddly.

“Right But first.” She rubbed her asscheeks and they hotdogged Jaunes dick in between them. He let out a groan as she moved her body up and down. Jaune looked at her body with a flushed face as he put his hands on her sides. “N-Nora….” As this was happened Ruby was already masturbating with one hand under her skirt and the other inside her uniform as she pinched her nipples and rubbed her clit. She panted as she saw the two. ’Hah…. Jaune..’ She was imagining Jaune was the one doing these things to her as she listened to his low moans. Nora paused and gave jaune a seductive stare. “I think you’ve enjoyed yourself enough ey fearless leader?~”

“Nngh…Right…” He held her by her thighs and lifted her up a bit to enter her pussy but she stopped him with a hand. “Now I’m all down for that base. But let’s be a bit more adventurous~” She guided him to prod her other hole as she spread her ass a bit, and once she went down to get the head in they both let out a loud moan. ’Agh! Dang! And it’s just the tip?!’ The valkerie thought as Jaune had similar thoughts about the pink bomber. ’She’s so tight! It’s like a vice!’ Ruby gasped as she saw the insertion ’She’s letting him use the backdoor?!’

Ruby was close to orgasming with her finger going in and out of her pussy but couldnt let it out. She saw Crescent rose on the ground and had an idea.

’Don’t Worry I’ll clean you later.’ She put it in its sniper form and saw the handle point upwards. She sat on it only to pause. If there was any chance she would get with Jaune. She should save herself. Take a note from Nora’s book so to say. She then placed both hands on her asscheeks before spreading them and put the handle into her asshole. At the same time though Nora then took all of Jaunes dick inside her ass. “Ahhhhh~! “Aahhhhh~!” Both beauties let out loud yells with Noras overshadowing Rubys.

“Nnngh!” Jaune panted and saw that his whole cock was inside Nora and saw her straining to take it. He put a hand to her clit and rubbed it soothingly causing Nora to mewl as she slowly moved up and down. Ruby who has tears starting at her eyes in pain waited a bit before sighing and started to do the same now feeling the pleasure instead of pain. Both of them were now hopping and moaning out loud, though Ruby’s was overshadowed by Nora’s as she looked at the desk next to the bed and saw a lightning grenade and grinned. “I-Ah! Have. An… ideAh!~”

She picked up the grenade and slowly crushed it and felt all the electricity flow through her as she went even faster. Jaune let out a loud moan as he gets Nora’s ass pat against his waist at a fast rate before he finally came. In the closet Ruby was moving faster as she imagined the handle being Jaunes dick though a bit shorter than the real thing and came as well. “NNNMMGHHH NORA!” “Hah.. AAHHH JAUNE!”

Jaune fell back on the bed with Nora laying on his chest while Ruby pulled herself from Crescent rose and laid against the floor half naked and tired. All of them were breathing hard as Nora cuddle with Jaune. “You really went all out huh?” Nora teased.  “Isn’t That What I should be telling you?” He said tiredly as he hugged her. “toshey.”

Ruby covered her mouth trying to silence her labored breaths as Nora got up and wobbled a bit before Jaune Caught her from falling and laid her on the bed. “Wowy! That seemed a bit much for me… I’m just going to lay here.” Jaune rubbed her cheeks with his hand softly. “Rest up Nora I’ll get our clothes.”

He went to the closet as Ruby heard his footsteps and couldn’t move due to how tired she was and closed her eyes before she heard a voice. “Hey!”

Wait her door didn’t open. “There it is.” Jaune came out with his pumpkin Pete pajamas and looked at Nora. “You had them?” She blushed and looked away laughing nervously. “I-I like to wear it sometimes…” Jaune smiled at her as he shook his head a little. “You could’ve just ask.” In the closet Ruby sighed in relief. ’Oh thank God.’

[secretlystephaniebrown]

Canis lupus familiaris

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... @birdsbeesandlemonadetrees asked the fateful question. 

“Imagine with me, if you will, Felix and Locus , mercenaries supreme, as Corgis.” 

I was, of course, sucked in. 

And when Fluff Week rolled around... Well, Lem and @arirashkae asked to see it. This is probably not the end of this AU, because I have ideas. But here is a short, sweet, and absolutely fucking crack-tastic beginning to this universe. 

Also on Ao3

Look, Felix has seen some weird shit in his day on Chorus. Chorus is a really fucking weird planet; alien artifacts, plants that eat people, lakes made of acid… it’s a goddamn nightmare world on the best of days, and ever since Lavernius Tucker, alien Virgin Mary or whatever, has started waving his magic alien-provided sword-dick-key around…

Well, things have been getting even weirder.

Sometimes it’s good weird; sometimes they find weapons that shoot lasers or shiny things for Felix to add to his stash or important looking things to send to Hargrove.

The point is though, that Felix has had some really weird days as a result of Chorus-related-bullshit.

But this?

This takes the goddamn cake. And probably the rest of the bakery with it.

Felix’s legs are short and stubby. He is also way too close to the ground.

Any comfort that he might derive from the fact that Locus is also too close to the ground, and that his legs are also short and stubby, is not mitigated by the fact that he’s still taller than Felix.

Which is simply unfair.

Because if Felix was going to be turned into a goddamn dog, he would like to at least be taller than Locus.

And to make matters worse, what kind of dog was he?

A motherfucking corgi.

Locus was too, but Felix can’t even joy it as much as he should, because Locus is some sort of weird hybrid thing that somehow manages to look somewhat more, if not badass, at least less ridiculous.

“A husky, I believe,” Locus says. Felix bites him, just to prove he can, and gets knocked over for his trouble.

“Hey!” says someone up front. “Don’t make uth muzzle you two!”

Because there’s icing on this cake.

The goddamn armies of Chorus have found them, decided they’re regular dogs and are brining them back to base.

Normally, Felix would be goddamn delighted to be taken to enemy headquarters. They could get some great recon in. But they’re now being taken away from that weird-ass temple where this shit had happened, and Felix is pretty sure that any chance of reversing it is located there.

This, Felix decides, flopping down as far away from Locus as he can in the back of the warthog, is going to suck.

“Whoth a good boy?” Katie Jensen coos.

Correction: this is going to suck a lot.

Kimball doesn’t quite know what to expect when Jensen presents her with two dogs.

“We think they’re brotherth!” Jensen says. “They were just out in the jungle, all alone!”

Kimball examines them. The one that Jensen is holding has been identified as a “Horgi,” a Husky/Corgi mix. He has an X shaped pattern on his face, and some of the spots on his back form circle patterns. He squirms in Jensen’s arms, uncomfortable, while the one that’s on a leash yelps and strains against the leash.

That one’s a straight up Corgi, orange in color, and is baring its teeth in an oddly adorable way.

“Bitters named that one Trouble, becauth he bit Andersmith thix times already,” Jensen informs her. “We haven’t named this little guy yet though!”

Kimball sighs, and accepts the less troublesome one from Jensen. “And you’re giving them to me, because…”

“Dogs are good for streth!” Jensen reports obediently. “And Dr. Grey thinks that you could use thome relief!”

Kimball stares at Trouble. Trouble stares back at her.

“I’m sure,” she says dryly.

The thing is, Kimball does like dogs. A lot. She hasn’t had the chance to have one in a while—she hadn’t even realized there were dogs left on Chorus. But here are two, very fluffy, very cute dogs. Sure, one of them looks like it needs obedience school, but that’s why Kimball took her old dog to obedience school. She probably remembers enough to pull him into line.

She names the Horgi Tic-Tac-Toe. They call him Tic-Tac.

Trouble remains named Trouble, because he’s earned that name.

Locus is… he’s not sure what’s happening any more.

There is a strange… permanence, to all of this. It feels like something has fundamentally shifted in his bones, and he doesn’t know how to handle that.

General Kimball and General Doyle share a large living area with the Reds, Blues, and Freelancers, for reasons that Locus can’t quite figure out. Officially, he and Felix belong to Kimball.

Unofficially, they’ve become some sort of strange house mascot.

Locus spends his days sleeping, investigating the house for any pertinent information (there’s very little that’s not stored on a computer), and avoiding Agent Washington with a strange, overwhelming sense of… awkwardness.

Being a dog is… uncomfortable, in many ways. He has a tail, and it wags, without permission. His tongue exits his mouth frequently. He can’t speak to anyone but Felix, although the Simulation Trooper Caboose is fairly good at interpreting what he means.

He gets picked up a lot, and people pet him, and…

He likes it.

That’s perhaps the most concerning part out of all of this.

He likes it.

He likes it all; the taste of dog food, the simplicity of things, the attention, the kindness… Felix mocks him, but Locus finds himself minding less and less as time goes on.

Felix is fighting it tooth and nail, of course. He takes great pains to ensure that he earns his name “Trouble,” breaking into knife drawers, shredding curtains, and trying to trip Tucker down the stairs every chance he gets. He ambushes people first thing in the morning, knocks things off the counter, and generally acts more like a cat than a dog, in Locus’ opinion.

Locus does not assist him in any of these tasks. On occasion, he sits on top of him to prevent Felix from doing anything too ridiculous, although that never lasts long.

Time is difficult to keep track of, although Felix and Locus do try. They figure that they’ve been here about three months, when Agent Washington returns with a furiously squirming dog under his arms.

“I’m starting to think we’ve got a Temple of Dogs around here somewhere,” Washington says dryly, setting the dog down on the ground. The dog looks nothing like a human, but Locus knows instinctively who it is.

Sharkface, recognizing both of them, lets out a roar of fury that comes out as a puppy yelp, and charges at them.

He is, in fact, half Labrador retriever, half Corgi. The sight is so disorienting that Locus nearly allows himself to be knocked over.

Nearly was, of course, the operative word.

“I’m naming this one Terror,” Washington announces.

“Trouble, Tic-Tac, and Terror?” Lavernius Tucker questions.

“They’re an alliterative alliance!” Donut says.

Washington smirks.

Sharkface and Felix tussle on the floor, and Locus watches.

Finally, Sharkface briefs them on the situation, once Felix has gotten him to bark uncle.

He’d apparently had a conversation with the alien A.I. and had learned that the transformation was non-reversible. And then, he’d accidentally been transformed himself. “It’s called the Temple of Second Chances or some bullshit like that,” he says, scratching his ear. “Goddamn, I think I’ve got fleas.”

“Go itch near Dr. Grey, she’ll take care of it,” Felix says. The two of them are familiar enough with the various solutions to dog-related problems by now. Dr. Grey is not quite a veterinarian, but apparently she was a year and an internship away from that particular degree, so she was more qualified than anyone else present. “Well shit.”

Locus isn’t sure what to do now. If they must remain like this…

“I’m going to go lick my balls on Tucker’s bed,” Felix announces, and stalks off. Or well, waddles. Because he’s a corgi.

They all are.

“I’m just shocked they haven’t had you two fixed,” Sharkface says.

“Doctor Grey apparently never took that class in Veterinary School,” Locus says.

Sharkface goes very still, and the two of them think about it for a moment.

“Let’s hope they don’t offer online classes, then.”

Locus would nod his head, but he’s a dog, so instead, his tail wags, in that full-rear-end-wiggle way that Corgis do.

Terror, as it turns out, is definitely Carolina’s dog.

It appears to surprise Terror as much as it does the rest of them—he hates her for a solid forty-eight hours, growling at her and trying to bite her the way that Trouble tries to bite… well, everyone.

They put a muzzle on him for a while, and Kimball gets out the spray bottle.

But they don’t even need to use it, because the next day, they find him curled up on Carolina’s lap, glaring at everyone who passes, as if daring them to comment.

“Seriously?” Felix demands. “I thought you were going to join me on the “let’s trip the Freelancer down the stairs” mission!”

“Fuck off,” Sharkface says. He’s currently being scratched behind the ears.

“Oh my god, you are all boring,” Felix yells.

Kimball squirts him with a water bottle. “Quiet, Trouble,” she scolds.

“I will have my revenge!”

He gets a spray of water straight to the face for his declaration.

Locus stretches carefully as he gets up from the pile of blankets that serve as his bed in the office.

Kimball has fallen asleep at her desk again. Locus should allow her to remain—there are advantages to letting an enemy leader be exhausted, after all. But Locus nudges her, letting out a small bark. She stirs slowly, and Locus props his front paws against her chair and presses his nose against her side and barks again.

“Mmm, Tic-Tac?” She mutters. He lets out a reprimanding whine. She reaches out sleepily and pats him on the head. His tail begins to wag without his permission. He barks again, just to remind her that he will not be placated by pets. “Alright, alright,” she says, scooping him up into her arms. “I’m up.” She squints at him tiredly. “Where’s your partner in crime?”

Felix, Locus knows, has been crated for the night as punishment for biting Caboose. Locus barks, knowing she can’t understand him.

“Probably in trouble again,” she answers her own question. “Well, guess you can stay with me tonight.”

Locus has a bed in the common area, inside a nice little doghouse that Grif had made for him. Felix and Sharkface also have them, but in general, they rarely sleep in them. Felix is crated more nights than not, these days, and Sharkface’s strange attachment to Agent Carolina has yet to abate.

He settles into Kimball’s arms contently, slightly smug at knowing that Felix’s inability to control himself is finally being dealt with. Realizing that they are stuck in these forms is somehow comforting, now that he’s had time to adjust. He no longer has to worry about spying or tactics. He only needs to be a dog. Sure, it’s undignified, but it’s pleasant enough. Felix, however, has only grown more agitated, attempting to do whatever harm he can in Corgi form.

Locus has a dog bed in Kimball’s room, but some nights, when she sets him down on her bed, he stays there to keep her company. He can’t help but feel smug about that—Felix is not allowed on the bed, or any of the furniture, after the first week. He’d left too many scatological presents around for any of them but Caboose to want him in their room for the night.

Attempts at training have proven futile, since Felix was doing it on purpose.

Kimball leaves to prepare for bed, and Locus settles down. He’ll adjust when she gets into bed. He… enjoys cuddling up next to her at night. It’s pleasant.

“This is Midnight,” Carolina says. The dog in her arms is sleek and mostly black, a Rottweiler/Corgi mix. She lounges in Carolina’s arms with a comfort that clearly is irritating Sharkface, and puts Felix on edge. Locus, from his position at Kimball’s feet (the suck up) just watches, curious.

Maybe, Felix thinks hopefully, she’s just a dog, unlike them. Maybe she’s not going to be a threat.

Carolina sets “Midnight” on the ground, and then the dog’s attention snaps right towards them. Keen brown eyes land on them, and then her lips pull back, exposing teeth that are definitely Rottweiler teeth.

She cracks her neck, something Felix hasn’t even realized that dogs could even do.

“Hello cockbites,” she says, and oh shit. He’s heard that voice before, on an old recording from Project Freelancer.

Agent Texas lazily wags her tail, and Felix realizes that they are, in fact, absolutely screwed.

[dsmroleplay]

#DevilsCalling #DSM #SPN #RP Part One

Writers: @DeanWinchester_ @DeanWImpala79 @ForgotAboutAdam

Case: Locals and tourists are going missing in a Mexico cenote near the town of Xcalacoop. The guys go down to see if they can find out what is happening.

Colt: -Onboard a private chopper from his families company "Blackwater" he and five other guys were suited up and being dropped in a remote area of Mexico. The area was riddled with cenote sinkholes and this area Xcalacoop, Mexico had a rather large on know as Ik Kil. Information had come in that tourists were disappearing in alarming numbers. No bodies and the locals were scared wouldn't go near it. The elders where claiming the "devil" was taking souls and would not stop till he was sated. They hadn't been able to find another on satellite images and nothing was showing up abnormal on thermal imaginary scans. They'd be undoubtedly being doing some diving for this mission because if there was someone in the water that would explain the lack of bodies. They'd come in at night so not draw attention to themselves.

The chopper hovered near the cenote's entrance and the men repelled down to the ground. Once they were clear Colt lead the team into the entrance of the tourist trap. There was electricity so the walls of the cenote glowed softly giving the cavern a romantic glow. But romance was the furthest thing from their minds. An aerial drone was deployed as was a small submersible camera. While the guys did recon Colt moved away and began to walk the cavern's man-made ledge looking for anything that stood out and would explain the disappearances. Demons and anything unhuman knew the Winchester's now had the means behind them to reach anywhere in the world and they were hated for their relentless hunting.-

::::::::::::::::::::::

Adam: Adam had asked Michael if he could track and trace his family if they ever step out of their own. He wanted to know about it. Michael was willing to do this for me. As he wanted to get his revenge on his family okay not all of them. Just a certain one for sure was on his lips his big brother Sam. I've had many conversations with Michael in my head where anyone would think I'm a crazy person talking to myself if we were ever out in public as we didn't leave our hidden place. Michael came to Adam and told him that his older brother Colt was out on a hunt in Mexico. This was the news that Adam had been waiting on to reach out to his oldest brother. Michael I need you to do two things for me. I need you to transport me to his location and then you must be quiet in my head as you have your family issues as I have my own family issues. Within a few minutes, I gasp for air landing on the ground of these woodlands of where colt was. Michael had warned him he was on a hunt with his team. Adam thanks, Michael. When He walked off looking around trying to find his brother.

::::::::::::::::

Cowboy:

Dean had been at the Ranch in Texas for a few weeks. After watching his world collapse and losing everyone he loved . . . He’d needed some time to gather his thoughts and reorient his bearings. When his lookalike, or twin as he called him, brought up the possibility of a hunt he felt that the time was right to get his feet wet again.

Unfortunately for Dean, or as the other inhabitants called him, “Cowboy”, the hunt was down in Mexico . . . in a cave . . . only accessibly by flight. Dean did his best to hide his fear of flying, but he couldn’t help white knuckling though three puke bags before Colt finally landed the plan down at their final destination. Cowboy was one of the first to repel out of the chopper, breathing in the sweet air of freedom, despite the case on the horizon.

Once he was safe on the edge of the cenote, he waited patiently for the rest of the team to drop down and join him.

::::::::::::::::::::::

Colt: -Adrenaline had kicked in as the boots hit the ground. Equipment was lowered down and dropped onto the rocky ridge. Nothing unusual had turned up on the drones but they didn't mean anything.- "Spread out, look for anything that looks off. Be careful you might up come up on poisonous snakes, alligators... all kinds of shit that is all normal" Colt looked at Cowboy then as if to say "You good?" because the dude looked like shit but then again he no doubt had a real fear of flying. Before Colt moved out, lowered his voice. "Stay close, Dad will fuckin' kill me if you so much as get a scratch on you." Colt wasn't joking his father didn't play. Spreading out assault rifle at the ready, flipping on the light he moved along the walkway checking for any sigils or anything that might hint of an explanation of the deaths. So far he hadn't seen anything that stood out.

These caves were frequently bombarded with tourist carving their names were they could. Colt's gut told him what they were looking for wasn't going to be found here on the other edge. He glanced down at the water, his money was on something down there. And it worried him he had Cowboy with him. When he said he could dive, Colt didn't doubt he couldn't but cave diving was a whole other ball of wax and inexperience could get you killed quick. They'd brought rebreathers because tanks would have slowed them down. Talking to JD confirming they'd found nothing he told them to get suited up they were diving.-

::::::::::::::::::

Cowboy: When the rest of the equipment was finally lowered, Dean grabbed his pre-packed bag of equipment, slinging it over his shoulder as he and Colt had a quiet moment alone. When he silently asked if he was good, he inhaled deeply and nodded. He may have been a little shaken up after the ride, but he pushed that aside for the job. Always the job. They were here and there were too many people depending on him to be an integral part of the team to not bring his A game.

“Don’t worry man, I may not like flying, but I wasn’t made in China and there’s not a ‘fragile’ label stamped on my ass. I got this. Won’t let you down.”

Dean followed behind Colt with his own automatic weapon, scanning the areas and double checking for anything that seemed out of sorts. The only thing remotely interesting were carvings from “Brad and Marie” stating they were here on such and such inconsequential date. When no evidence of anything supernatural was evident, Colt made the executive decision it was time to take the investigation a step further. It was time for Dean’s first experience with cave diving. He was no stranger to swimming, but this . . . This would be a new one even for him. Colt had been lucky to give him a crash course in basic rules to follow, which he memorized and tried to focus on as a way to distract his attention on the flight to the cave. One wrong move underwater could kill him quicker than any werewolf or demon.

At Colt’s command, he stopped, turning to grab his suit from his bag and started to change.

:::::::::::::::

Colt: -All the men had begun to suit up, their suits triple-layer neoprene to keep from going to hypothermic. Once suited up and a safety check was done Colt took a reel wire and handed the end to Cowboy, giving him the thumbs-up he descended into the water holding the reel to lead the others behind him. By the information they had on the Cenote they would be hitting a halocline layer. Where saltwater and freshwater meet, it was a white cloud of the unknown and even with all the dives, he's his adrenaline kicked into gear. Checking com's, "Whatever you do don't let go of the line, makeup to use a carabiner to secure yourself. We've got rebreathers but getting separated down here would be a /very/ bad thing. Watch your six, no telling what we will find." With that he went quiet on com's and sank into the cloud the white void cleared about five foot down and he stopped to wait for the rest of the team checking for any immediate threats. Not spotting anything he checked his navigation on his arm. Some maps existed of caverns down here but not all so this was going to be interesting. Taking several underwater flares out of his belt, activating them he tossed them out in north and south direction and one straight down to where he was suspended above to help with navigation. There was a documented cavern to both the north and northeast of them. Looking up he watched as the men made it through the cloud layer one by one.-

::::::::::::::::::::::::

Cowboy: Dean squeezed into the skin-tight suit, jumping up and down to shimmy himself in while taking care not to fall off the edge and down into the water. He finally pulled up the zipper by the long string on the back and started to slip the rebreather on his back. Once it was secure, Colt handed him the end of the reel wire, letting him be the caboose at the end of the metaphorical train.

Upon hearing the final instructions before silence fell over their radio, Dean pulled his industrial-strength carabiner from his bag and connected the belt around his suit to the reel wire. Then, without hesitation, he watched Colt jump into the water, kicking up the cloud that covered the top layer of the cenote. He closed his eyes, feeling the wire jiggle at his side as he listened to the splashes echoing off the cave walls, signaling that another and yet another and yet another member of the team had followed right behind his twin.

When the world was silent once more, he opened his eyes and pulled the rubber headpiece of his suit over his hair and slipped on his goggles. The water below him suddenly lit up with the flares Colt had explained he would use to illuminate their path. Taking one final breath of fresh air and secured the mouthpiece of his rebreather between his cold, quivering lips.talk, and jumped in feet first, trying to keep his body stiff, but joints lose.

His vision was momentarily obstructed by the cloudy halocline layer, but he soon made it to the bottom and spotted the other members of the team. He could spot Colt in a second, at the head of the wire. He nodded in his direction, giving him a thumbs up to let him know that he was good to go.

[illumynare]

Red vs Blue Fic: I’ll Tell You My Sins and You Can Sharpen Your Knife (2/4)

Summary: Locus understands why Kimball would want to keep him alive long enough to testify at Hargrove’s trial.

He doesn’t understand why the Reds and Blues would volunteer to protect him.

Parings: None. Warnings: Canon-typical language, tons of drippy angst.

Notes: Also available on AO3!

Yes, this is now a three-chapter story. BECAUSE LOCUS ANGST IS SO MUCH FUN.

Huge thanks to @littlefists for letting me use her pancakes headcanon!

In the days that follow, Locus finds a strange sort of peace.

It's like when he walked away from the Communications Temple. He was wrapped in the same sort of hazy numbness that came with bleeding out. After so long fighting the idea that he was a monster, it was a relief to finally accept it. To know there was nothing he could do to redeem himself.

It's like that now. It's the same lesson: he's a monster, a weapon, a suit of armor and a gun. He can't be anything else.

At least now he's going to be wielded by somebody better than Felix.

#

The Reds and Blues seem to understand they have broken him. Because the way they treat him changes.

It starts the morning after his nightmare. After Agent Washington releases him, Locus slinks back to his room, ashamed of his outburst. He wonders if he'll be told to sleep outside the base, where he can't disturb them. It would only be fair.

But at 7:02 AM, Caboose pounds on his door. When Locus staggers, bleary-eyed, to open it, Caboose grabs him by the arm and says, "IT IS TIME FOR BREAKFAST."

Too dazed to protest, Locus lets himself be dragged into the kitchen, where Tucker is making pancakes and Agent Carolina is frying bacon. Agent Washington is staring at the coffee pot as it bubbles, while Simmons carefully chops a pineapple into perfect squares, and Grif steals pieces.

Locus knows that the two teams have breakfast together regularly. He's never dared intrude before. But now Caboose shoves him into a chair, Tucker sets a plate of pancakes in front of him, and Agent Washington wordlessly pours a giant puddle of maple syrup onto the pancakes.

"Aw, man, did you have to ruin them?" Tucker grumbles.

"They're better that way," says Agent Washington.

"Who wants to share some whipped cream?" Donut calls from the pantry, and Simmons shrieks, "Donut! NO!"

Locus doesn't see the scuffle that ensues. He's eating the pancakes slowly, bite by bite. They're soft and fluffy, tangy with buttermilk and sweet with syrup. He hasn't had pancakes like this—or generous puddles of syrup like this—since before the army, before he was Locus, before—

Everything.

Later that day, Tucker—for the first time—demands to spar with him.

"Lemme see if you know how to do anything with that sword," he says. "Bow-chicka-bow-wow."

Locus stares at him, not sure what the final exclamation means.

"Ugh, you're so boring," says Tucker, and with a flick of his wrist, the glowing blade shimmers into being. "Let's do this."

Tucker is better than Locus expected. This is not saying much, and Locus soon disarms him. What's really a surprise, though, is that though Tucker whines and grumbles, he doesn't give up. He listens while Locus demonstrates the techniques he learned from the Sangheili who trained him, the movements he worked out for himself while trying to defend that colony of refugees.

Tucker listens, and he tries, and Locus is surprised at how quickly he learns.

"Heh, I guess you're not too bad at this," says Tucker, when they finally stop for a break.

Again, Locus stares at him. Because there's no malice in the words, no backhanded reminder that Tucker is better, more whole—

as Felix would have reminded him, always DID remind him

—even though it's true. Locus may be better at fighting with the sword, may have learned from the Sangheili how to wield it, but Tucker is the one who deserves it.

Tucker is the one who became a hero, and Locus is ashamed that while he was on his quest, he had started to think that he could be one too.

The strange kindness doesn't stop there. The next day, Donut reproaches him about his pores and demands to give him a facial. The thought of letting anyone touch his face like that make Locus feel sick, but he has no more right to refuse anything.

"Very well," he says.

Donut's fingers are surprisingly strong and gentle as he exfoliates Locus's face and then rubs lotion into it, thumbs pressing against his cheekbones as he works the youth-enhancing, spot-removing seaweed gel into Locus's skin.

"The first rule of facial scars is that you always moisturize," says Donut, and Locus—holding himself tense and still in the chair through sheer willpower—feels a strange fluttering in his chest.

Nobody has ever talked about his scar this way before: as it was normal. As if he hadn't ever been tied down and screaming while an Elite cut the pattern of his helmet into his face, as if he hadn't woken up after being rescued and known that he was—

broken, a weapon, a suit of armor and a gun

—forever marked by the war.

Donut is marked too. Locus hasn't asked what caused the spiderweb scar on his face, the drooping eyelid and ragged ear, but he'd guess it was a close encounter with a grenade.

Marked, but not broken.

The pressure on his face is no longer so alarming. Locus shuts his eyes, and doesn't protest when Donut finishes with his face and immediately moves to massaging his shoulders. The contact is strange and frightening and more than he deserves, but it's also comforting. Locus relaxes, and for once he doesn't think of Felix as he hums in contentment, as Donut laughs and says, "See, I knew my fingers could get you moaning."

And then, the next day.

The next day, Locus is sitting alone on the couch in the rec room when Agent Washington walks in.

At once, Locus gets up to leave. Ever since arriving, he's tried to avoid him; he knows his presence can't be welcome to the man he stalked and nearly killed. The cautious glances that Agent Washington gave him proved it.

"Uh, don't go," says Agent Washington, and Locus freezes.

It's the first direct order he's been given.

He sits back down. He feels the couch shift as Agent Washington sits down beside him, but he doesn't dare look up at him and meet his eyes.

He can't stop remembering the way he whimpered and shook like a frightened animal. The soothing pressure of Agent Washington's hands on his shoulders, and he hates the impulse that made him leave his room without armor this morning. He doesn't want anyone to see his face right now.

"So, uh." Agent Washington shifts awkwardly. "You sleeping okay?"

"Acceptably," says Locus, wishing he could flee the room.

He'd had another nightmare the night before, but it was just the normal kind: blood and the faces of his victims. He didn't scream when he woke, and he went back to sleep eventually.

There's another pause. Then he hears movement, and he tenses reflexively—

Agent Washington's hand presses against the back of his neck.

For a second, Locus can't breathe. This doesn't make sense. The pressure is too warm, too gentle, too kind. It's not necessary. He wasn't screaming, he doesn't need comfort—and he certainly doesn't deserve it.

But Agent Washington doesn't move his hand.

Locus reminds himself: this isn't real. Of course he doesn't deserve to be treated kindly. But none of the kindnesses shown him over the last few days have been real.

The Reds and Blues are better than Felix, are going to use him for better purposes, but they are still going to use him.

That's the only thing you can do with a weapon.

The thought should be a comfort. It certainly makes Locus feel less confused; it calms the panic that made him want to flee, and his shoulders finally relax.

But there's still a sick feeling at the pit of his stomach. Because this firm, relentless kindness that is not quite kindness—it's very familiar.

In the days after he killed the alien, his CO started calling him Locus. The whole team followed suit, calling him nothing but Locus, hey Locus, and the nickname hurt—but less each time he heard it, and sometimes there was a camaraderie that wasn't there before, as the other soldiers slapped his shoulders and compared kill-counts. They loathed his cowardice in wanting to spare the alien, but he had proved himself one of them when he killed it.

After he and Felix split from Siris—after they took their first mercenary contract—after they accepted Hargrove's offer—all those times, Felix was different with Locus. Not kind. But he rolled his eyes less, used the word broken less. He was more inclined to brush up against Locus, lean against Locus, heave a sigh and put a hand on his shoulder. Because Locus had proved himself. Had obeyed. Had chosen Felix.

It's like that now.

Locus chose the Reds and Blues, he obeyed them, and so they are rewarding him.

Those are the rules for taming a wild animal: a lure and then a reward for every act of obedience.

Some part of him still wishes that he could have been more. Could have been human. But Locus knows he has to live with his choices.

He closes his eyes and promises himself that when they give him orders, he will be ready.

#

But a week passes, and there are no orders.

None that really mean anything. Carolina says, "Spar with me," and he walks away with several bruises and an even greater respect for her. Caboose says, "I made you cookies," and Locus dutifully chokes down the charred lumps until Agent Washington storms into the kitchen and tells him to stop. Tucker says, "Hey, check these new photos," and Locus sits for an hour, wearily agreeing that every one of Tucker's children is "fucking awesome."

They don't need Locus for such trivialities. They must mean to use him for another purpose. And now their kindness is starting to make Locus feel an overwhelming dread.

Because they can't possibly be rewarding him any longer. He's definitely done nothing to earn this treatment. They can't be just waiting to use him after the trial. They have to know that once he's given testimony, he'll most likely be executed.

They must be preparing him. They must be trying to ensure that he is loyal enough, dependent enough, to do whatever they ask.

And what might they be planning to ask if they think he needs this much preparation?

One night, as he cleans Red Team's guns, Sarge grins at him and says, "Say, you ever think about how easy it would be to accidentally fire one of those at Grif while you're cleaning it?"

Locus freezes. Because there could be no accident: he's always careful to unload the guns before he cleans them. So what Sarge is suggesting, is maybe ordering—

hey I'm orange just like your last partner

—and he can't do this, Locus thinks numbly, he promised himself he would be obedient but Grif was the first and maybe only one of them to trust him, he can't do this.

He can't refuse either. He can't make himself say the words, question the order. He can't do anything.

For a few endless moments, Locus just stares at Sarge and thinks, no, no, please no.

Then Grif yells from the other room, "I HEARD THAT," and ambles in with a six-pack of beer, looking completely unconcerned.

"Hey, you want one?" he asks, holding out a can.

And Locus finally remembers that when he was pretending to work for the Federal Army, he'd heard Sarge say many times that he was going to shoot Grif as soon as he got him back, and he hoped those terrorist bastards didn't manage to kill him first.

It was a joke, Locus realizes, and the relief is so overwhelming that it takes him several moments to realize that Grif is still holding the can of beer in his face.

It was a joke. But there will come a command that isn't.

That evening, Locus can't sleep. He keeps remembering all the people he killed, and it was easy then to pull the trigger, swing the knife, but now the memories make his hands shake.

A long time ago, he thought that killing made him one of "the good guys." Then he thought it made him a soldier. Now he knows that it makes him a monster.

Locus will kill for the Reds and Blues. He knows this. He doesn't have it in him to refuse them. And he owes it to them, surely, to at least be a useful monster.

He still doesn't want to.

He wishes they would tell him what he's going to do, exactly what kind of monster he'll have to be. The wait is tearing his mind apart. He's never felt dread like this before—

Except he has, when Hargrove started hinting about a "delicate political situation." There was a moment, before Hargrove completely explained what their contract entailed, when Locus felt a sudden surge of dread. He'd already done all kinds of mercenary work, killed many people who didn't really deserve it, but there were still some lines he hadn't crossed.

Deep down, Locus had realized that Hargrove was going to ask him to cross those final lines. But he'd looked to Felix for reassurance, and Felix had nudged him and grinned and then said to Hargrove, "Yeah, we're interested."

Locus had snuffed out that last flicker of his conscience quickly enough. But it had been real. And it was the same dread he's feeling now: the fear of what will I become?

He presses his palms over his eyes.

It's not like that. The Reds and Blues are different, better, and whatever they ask him to do—even if it's horrible—will be right.

But he knows exactly what Felix would say if he were here:

It's exactly like that, partner. Everybody's got an agenda. And everybody needs a weapon. Good thing you've got that freaky obsession with orders, huh?

"I'm trying to do the right thing," Locus mutters.

Yeah, funny how for you the right thing is always doing what somebody says.

It's true. Locus can't deny it.

But back on Chorus, Agent Washington told Locus he was a monster. Whatever he's planning to make Locus do now, it has to be better somehow than the orders Hargrove gave him.

Locus clings to that thought through the following week, even as sleep becomes rare and he starts flinching whenever anyone says his name.He's tries to hide it, but the Reds and Blues notice anyway.

That has to be why they're suddenly always around him, always talking to him, always touching him. They see that he's afraid to follow orders, and they're trying to make sure of him. It's driving him mad, and just when he thinks he can't stand it anymore, Agent Carolina drags him away from the others, to the little hill outside their base.

"Take some time alone," she says. "You probably need it."

She turns her back on him, moving to guard his position. Locus stares at the back of her helmet and thinks that she's found a way to make even isolation a kindness. And he's grateful.

That evening there's another movie night, and this time Locus sits on the couch, Caboose on one side of him, Grif on the other. Locus sits rigidly between them, not eating the popcorn, not even trying to watch the screen.

He tells himself, again and again, that these people are not Hargrove. They are not Felix. He has to trust in them.

That has to be enough.

But it turns out all his fear was pointless. When he draws his sword and kills people a few days later, it's not because anyone gave him a direct order.

It's because Charon finally finds them.

[renaroo]

Recovery None (59/61)

Disclaimer: Red vs Blue and related characters are the property of Rooster Teeth. Warnings: Language, Canon-typically violence, Psychological torture & manipulation, Mentions of gore, Character death, Minor Sexual content Pairings: Yorkalina, Chex Rating: T Synopsis: [Canon Divergence AU] When the Mother of Invention crashed, Project Freelancer was in shambles, its surviving agents scattered, its equipment stolen, and an impending investigation into the crash from the UNSC was on the horizon. To regain control of the deeply corrupted program, the Director established a new unit from his remaining supplies – the Recovery Unit.

Three former Freelancers were chosen for particular tasks: Zero is to hunt down and destroy the Meta, One is to investigate and recover stolen or missing equipment, and Two is to take down AWOL former agents.

Of course, no one’s motivations are what they seem…

A/N: I have been in a very tough place in my life between updating these chapters, and for that I cannot apologize to all of you and thank you for your patience enough. This story means so very, very much to me, as you all can imagine, and having your support and love through all of this has made both writing this fic and getting out this chapter in a rough time possible. So just... thank you all so much. We’re almost there. 

Special thanks to @analiarvb, @notatroll7, @secretlystephaniebrown, @xhauntedangel, @icefrozenover, @every-survival, LinniLotus, Yin, and @a-taller-tale for the feedback!

Recovery One XVIII: Lying in Pieces

So out of curiosity, are you carrying me over your shoulder out of some low key aggression that’s satisfied to treat me like a sack, or are you trying to save my fragile masculinity by not going full bridal position here?

“You’re an artificial intelligence, Church, you don’t have any masculinity. Just numbers. And annoyance,” Tex informed him as they raced down the halls of the MOI -- racing past memories and horrors and everything in between.

Perhaps it was an act of rare mercy for them that they didn’t have time to stew and reflect on everything around them and what horrific truths they must have meant for them both. 

Maybe. Almost. 

I guess I’m just more surprised you’re bothering to carry it around at all, Church clarified. I’m not really, y’know, using it or anything. 

Tex felt herself scowl as she ignored him and continued forward toward the fight that was sure to come. “Church, we’re not one entity. We’re not one person. Even if at one time we were -- if that’s truly what we were before either of us can even remember that as a possibility -- there’s no way we can be that again now. We’re different. We’ve grown. We’ve had experience outside of ourselves.”

So? Church asked. Didn’t stop the program from shoving tiny pieces of me into completely different people. 

Shaking her head, Tex couldn’t even believe he’d bring that up. “That’s not been working out so great.”

I’ll need citations on that claim, Church said with a scientifically pompous air about him.

“We’re about to go face your ugly side that’s trying to kill everyone you’ve made friends with over the past year, asshole. What more evidence do you need exactly?” she asked critically.

Tex, I’m just trying to say, we’re a part of each other now and it’s stupid to pretend that I’m going to be jumping back into my own skin -- so to speak -- again any time soon. He paused, a little awkwardly. Like I hate to bring this up, but I’m not entirely sure I know... how to untangle us at this point either. Look, I’m new to this whole numbers-and-code thing.

Annoyed, Tex kicked down an obstructing door. “You’re actually not. You’re not new to it at all. That’s part of the problem. And for the record, I never said I was carrying around this husk of a body for you.”

The door she kicked down clattered on the ground and left them staring forward at Caboose who was innocently staring right back before happily waving. 

“Hey, Tex! Glad you found Church! Did you see the little Church man? I’m going to feed him crackers.”

If you let him see me like this I swear to god I’ll delete both of us.

Tex smirked. “Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep.”

“Okay!” Caboose replied readily. 

Fucksake Church groaned in what attempted to pass as annoyance but radiated through Tex like affection.

“Caboose, our friends need help,” she explained to him.

“Oh no! We need to go!” Caboose announced before hesitating. His head tilted. “Tucker isn’t one of those friends is he? I don’t know about saving Tucker...”

“I don’t... was Tucker even on the camera feed?” Tex asked.

No. Which is its own problem to sort out for later, Church answered nonchalantly. 

“It’s Wash and some of the Reds,” Tex translated. 

“Agent Washington!?” Caboose gasped. “Let’s go help--”

Before the words were finished escaping Caboose’s mouth, there was a rush of air past them. Caboose even wavered on his feet unsteadily. 

“What was that?” Caboose asked, looking after the direction of the gust of wind. 

“The doors opened. Our friends are outside,” Tex answered.

“Right! Go help--” Caboose began to rush forward but Tex grabbed his shoulder to keep him back for a moment.

“Caboose, I want to give you a special job,” she explained.

“Oh?” Caboose asked back.

“I want you to help the white guy,” Tex explained. “Being on the receiving end of your help before has taught me that this is the best course of action we have.”

I double that assessment, Church muttered.

“I’m going to help, Tex!” Caboose assured her. “And then we’re all going to help little Church eat crackers. It’s gonna be great!”

Tex glanced to her shoulder where Church’s body was still hanging over it while Caboose ran for the exit. 

A small, white projection of Church appeared where she was looking. “What? I can feel you smirking.”

“Well, you asked what I was carrying you around for, right?” she asked mischievously. “Now I’m going to show you how you’re going to help us out.”

“Fuck, this is going to make me pissed, isn’t it?” Church groaned. 

As he lived and breathed, it was Maine. 

Washington stared at his former teammate, utterly struck by the fact that yet another Freelancer had come falling into his already crowded and confusing life, shocked by how his old life and new seemed to be consistently at odds. 

And by the fact that apparently Maine had just saved them by ripping Wyoming’s implants violently from his head. 

Which left a lot of questions, but mainly what side was Maine on. 

Slowly raising to his feet, Washington maintained a certain wariness. There was something just inconceivably wrong with the bulky way that Maine moved, with the snarling and huffing that was coming from him that was utterly different from what Wash had known before.

He knew Maine had been a high priority target of the Recovery team -- so high that Wash had not been granted permission to go after him even by the time that whole dynamic fell apart. But he had not received in depth briefings. 

All he knew was that Maine supposedly killed Carolina in the final raid on the Mother of Invention.

But now he knew that Carolina was far from dead. 

“My god, none of us know how to communicate,” he surmised in horror before looking over to York. “Have you got some answers for this!? Good ones?”

“No,” York yelled back. “Just the kind that super suck now that he has another AI and Wyoming’s enhancement.”

Eye twitching in irritation, Wash all but threw up his arms. “Right there! You just screamed out like three things that are need-to-know information that I have absolutely no context for!”

York shook his head and then looked at Wash. “Would you stop screaming at me every three minutes!? Holy fuck, how does your voice reach that high anyway?”

“I believe it’s inferior Blue genetics at play,” Sarge stage whispered. 

“I hate all of you!” Wash hissed.

“We KNOW!” York and the two Reds yelled harmoniously. 

“Jesus this is a shit show and we’re all going to die and I don’t even know what for,” Simmons bemoaned as Maine turned toward them all.

“Okay, fine, everyone, I’ll give you the short and sweet version!” York ground out. “That guy is Maine. He used to be a Freelancer. He got an AI. Now he gets his jollies by going around, killing the rest of us, stealing our AI and equipment, and adding them to his collection. He’s the one who fucked me over real good and took Delta.”

Washington scowled at York. “How is any of that remotely true? That doesn’t sound like Maine at all!”

“Keep up, Wash, that’s not Maine anymore, it’s the Meta, and that’s exactly what he does because I’ve been on the receiving end of it already! Not to mention what he did to Carolina,” York ground out.

“Or what he did just now in front of us,” Simmons piped up. “Not saying I know who this guy is, but we did just see him rip something out of a guy’s spine who was regularly kicking our asses beforehand.”

“Yeah, that, too,” York nodded.

Angrily, Wash clutched his rifle. “Keep up!? How the fuck am I supposed to keep up!? I feel like I have, at most, a third of the information right now and you’re asking me to keep up? Seriously? How about you stop wasting time and tell me how the hell we’re supposed to beat this thing?”

“I don’t know!” York answered. “I just fight it and lose all the time. Why do you think I look like I went through ten rounds with a can opener!?”

“You’re useless!” Wash screeched.

“We’re all each other’s got!!!” York yelled back.

“NO!” Wash said with exaggerated waving toward Sarge and Simmons. “We’re not!”

York paused for a moment before looking to Sarge. “Sir?”

“You have permission to speak, Red Team Freelancer,” Sarge replied cheerfully.

“Right, that’s getting a touch old. Anyway,” York said before turning his own shotgun around so that the butt was facing Sarge. “Would you do me the honor of testing out your new invention? Seeing as how we’re both men of tastes when it comes to our weapons.”

Even through armor, Wash could tell Sarge had never appeared more delighted in his life. 

“What are you doing?” Wash demanded as Maine’s hulking form turned its attention toward the Mother of Invention.

“Our mutual friends in there are next on the menu for obvious reasons,” York pointed out. He then looked seriously toward Wash. “And I’m tired of friends feeling we didn’t do everything in our power to save them.”

There was something tight and painful in Wash’s chest. But, being an expert at ignoring such things thanks to Blue Team at that point, he elected to point at York warningly. “Actions speak louder than words.”

“Then I think it’s time for some action,” York chuckled.

“You get fucking one liners, too!?” Simmons bemoaned.

Washington wanted nothing more than to join Simmons in the disbelief of the moment, but loathe as he was to admit it, York was right, and Maine -- or whatever he had become -- was going straight for the Mother of Invention.

And if there was anything Wash had learned recently it was that anything with that sort of focus on death and destruction had to be heading straight toward Blue Team. 

“What are we doing here?” Wash asked York snappishly.

"We’re putting a wall between the ship and the Meta,” York announced. “I think I can get in close as long as I have cover fire, but basically I just need to round all of us toward those cliffs as much as we can and let me in -- hopefully the Sergeant wasn’t exaggerating about the modifications he put into this gun.”

“Stop calling him the sergeant, he’s just Sarge!” Wash corrected.

York gave an incredulous look in Wash’s direction and shook his gun. “Wash, for fucking real here, are you going to play ball? Alright, I’ve fucked up in the past, but this thing’s going to kill Carolina if it gets a hold of her -- and Tex, too, if you’re right and she’s in there. They already killed Dee. I’d like to get some payback.”

Wash huffed heavily in through his helmet. He absolutely did not appreciate York making any sort of sense. 

But he definitely was. 

“Simmons,” Wash called out, looking to the maroon soldier. “Do you think you can get a line of communication between us and Blood Gulch by using the teleporter?”

Surprised, Simmons stood up straight and shifted in the snow. “I mean, hypothetically it should definitely be possible. It might take me an hour or two to fully reconfigure--”

“I’m going to give you ten minutes,” Wash replied plainly. 

“I can’t do that!” Simmons cried out in protest.

“No? Would you prefer to fight a renegade Freelancer with the rest of us?” Washington asked knowingly. “No? That’s what I thought. Get in contact with Blood Gulch and ask them to send in some able-bodied soldiers immediately. We need help.”

“We shouldn’t limit it to able-bodied if we need help from Blood Gulch,” Simmons pointed out. “That puts us down to... I guess the bodyguard--”

“Do not ask South to come!” York ordered.

“Absolutely tell South to come,” Wash contradicted. 

“She will shoot us in the back first chance she gets! Did you even bother asking her what happened to North!?” York cried out.

“Wouldn’t be the first time a Freelancer shot me in the back,” Wash said plainly. “Besides, she’s going to fight this... Meta over us.”

“How’d you know it was responsible for North?” York asked, amazed.

“I didn’t,” Wash replied, marching toward Sarge. “I just know know South prefers challenges.”

"You play a dangerous game, Agent Washington,” York mused.

“And you play dumb like the rest of the world can’t figure out you’re compensating for something,” Wash fired back. “Now are you going to move forward so I can give you that cover fire or not?”

“Youch,” York mocked before taking a deep breath and racing forward. “Yo! Meta!” Maine’s hulking form stopped momentarily, turning back, his domed helmet gleaning as a low snarl came out from him. “You and I have some unfinished business!”

Washington took aim and waited for the so-called Meta to make its move first, but as he lined up the shot he heard a distinctive sniffing and sobbing from behind him. He glanced over his shoulder and found Sarge wiping at his visor nonsensically.

“Are you crying?” Wash asked critically. 

“I just never thought that the Red Army would produce another soldier as ready to die for its glory as me,” Sarge said between gurgles. “I’m just glad to see the day that Red Team pride his vindicated. It’s like the son I wish I never had.”

“Stop talking, it makes my eye twitch and I need to aim,” Wash ordered.

For an infiltration expert, York had an amazing grasp of hand-to-hand. To the point that even through his anger, Wash was forced to give the man the respect he deserved. 

As the Meta lunged, York ducked below the wide swing and used its exposure to throw an elbow beneath the Meta’s ribs. His momentum carried and he swung around to behind the Meta where he kicked the Meta forward. 

When he watched the balance waver, Wash hesitated. It reminded him of the training room floor. Of a time when he called each of these men and women his teammates. When he didn’t think they could stab each other in the back for more than points on a scoreboard.

When a scoreboard seemed like it was worth stabbing in the back for. 

He stared down his scope and wondered if the Meta was any more a monster than Maine and Wash himself were then. More than any of them were willing to be then. 

And it was about then that Wash realized that he wasn’t saying any of those thoughts out loud but it might as well have been. He hadn’t progressed that much since Doc called him out on it--

“Watch your six, Freelancer!” Sarge yowled out before firing his shotgun right beside Wash, effectively pulling him out of his own existentialism. 

“Shit!” York cried before ducking down into the snow, allowing the Meta to be hit by the spray of buckshot. “That was my three!” he corrected.

"Son, I tend to like you, so I will give you an unprecedented warning about my feelings toward insubordination!” Sage howled out. 

Watching as the Meta spun around to face the source of his attack, Washington took a deep breath and aimed for the helmet before firing. The shot bounced off the protective alloy, but the force was still enough to knock it back. And it was also enough to make the Meta step back toward York once more in order to regain balance. 

Quick on his feet as always, York ducked down and pressed forward, shoulder first, for the back of the Meta’s knees, sending it barreling over himself and then rolling out of the path. 

“Take another shot, Wash!” York yelled.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Wash yelled back before taking the shot with his rifle just as the Meta began to reach around with the brute shot. 

The Meta snarled again but once more was exposed for York, this time though it wasn’t a cheap shot the former Freelancer was throwing. Instead he took aim with Sarge’s modified shotgun and fired at the Meta’s abdomen -- right where the mesh and metal met. 

“That’ll look great for the Red Army recruitment montage!” Sarge declared.

Wash was almost impressed himself when he saw the Meta drop to one knee, brute shot out of hand. But before York was even on his feet, something drastically changed. 

A multitude of flickering sprites surrounded the Meta’s helmet and, without warning, the Meta became encapsulated in a dome shield.

“He has more modifications!?” Wash yelled out.

York looked back and gave a bodily shrug. “I knew he was collecting them but I wasn’t sure he had--”

“Well we didn’t know and you didn’t share!” Wash cried out. “How the hell were we supposed to know that?”

“Sorry, I’ve been busy being shot at and almost murdered lately, not standing around canyon bases drinking beer and having small talk!” York snapped back.

“There’s room for both!” Wash roared in frustration. “What the hell else can happen!?”

As if summoned, Simmons appeared. “Um, guys--”

“It better be good news,” Wash said flatly without even turning. “Which would be that you were able to contact the others even faster than I told you to.”

“Yeah, no, that’s still going nowhere,” Simmons informed him. “But the bodyguard chick did come through the portal for a minute.”

Wash’s eye began to twitch again. “For a minute?”

“Yeah, I told her what was happening and she said to hold up, then went back,” Simmons explained. “Um... Agent Washington... you seem... pretty unhappy.”

“I’m an emotional shell, Simmons. I don’t get unhappy anymore,” Wash warned. “I just anticipate the worst possible scenarios and find myself disappointed when things are worse than predicted.”

“Oh, hey, you trapped the white guy in a dome,” Simmons pointed out. “That’s pretty good. And now Tex is here.”

“What?” Wash asked before turning and seeing Tex’s familiar figure with a cobalt armor over her shoulder. His heart sunk in his chest as the Meta lowered the dome shield. “Oh, no.”

Tex took in the sight, more than a little shocked at just what a crowd had been gathered around the Meta. Washington, Sarge, Simmons, and--

Hey, that’s your friend, Church pointed out unhelpfully. Jersey or whatever.

It was an easy enough comment to ignore as she stepped out into the snow. “Holy shit. As I live and breathe, Agent York has joined my favorite gaggle of idiots.”

“Was that meant for me? Because I protest,” Wash said simply. “I am absolutely not with York. Or... an idiot. But that went without saying, which is why I didn’t bother -- you know what, just shut up and help us.”

“Shut up and help us, wow you really have become a Blue,” Tex snarked. “And now worry, help’s already here.”

While the Meta snarled, turning on its heels to take in the fact that it was surrounded, Caboose finally caught up with them at the entrance of the ship. He was holding the spike grenade that Tex had found for him. 

“I’m here to help!” Caboose cried out excitedly, flicking the grenade on.

This idea is stupid as fuck, for the record, Church commented.

Just as Caboose was lining up for the Meta, however, he saw Wash and let out a gasp. “Agent Washington! No one let me know that you were here! I would always help Agent Washington over any white guy.”

“Seriously, does no one else hear how that sounds?” York asked.

“We do, we just don’t care,” Simmons retorted.

“Caboose...” Wash said cautiously, eyeing the grenade.

“Caboose, help the right person,” Tex tried to warn. 

“Sure thing, Tex! And the right person to help is my friends!” Caboose yelled out before tossing the grenade straight into the wall beside Tex and Church. 

Everyone, including the Meta, stared for a moment. 

“That was the worst throw. Ever. Of all time,” Wash hissed. 

“Not my fault,” Caboose swore. “Someone put a wall in my way.”

Goddammit, Church bemoaned.

“Everyone down!” Carolina screamed from behind them before tackling both Tex and Caboose, taking them out of the way just before the grenade exploded -- sending shrapnel and snow flying out everywhere in an unseeable storm. 

“You came to help? What about the Director?” Tex asked Carolina. 

“What, like he has anywhere to go in that wreck?” Carolina asked. “I checked the sensors, looks like UNSC ships are on their way here. I made a tactical decision.”

"Was that tactical decision to see us all get arrested?” Tex questioned, gripping onto Church’s body’s wrist.

“That would be an added bonus,” she mocked before looking up. “But it’s more than that. This is about unfinished business. It’s about people I’ve used for my own means, and trying to make up for it. People like Maine.” She looked forward, watching as the Meta found itself upright again and began growling and snarling. “I had opportunity to stop him before. I had chances to reach out to him while I was a Recovery agent. And I didn’t. I let this happen. And it’s done nothing but hurt the people around me ever since.” She looked back meaningfully toward Tex. “And that’s just a little too much like him for my comfort.”

“Or mine,” Epsilon spoke up, appearing on her shoulder. “I... I think I’ve really hurt people in the past. I think it’s time we try to help them.”

Tex looked at them both critically. “Sounds noble enough,” she said stiffly.

Sounds stupid enough, too. Like yeesh, Church answered. 

“But I don’t think there’s anything left of Maine in there for you to apologize too. It’d be best if you let me punch him instead,” Tex pointed out. 

“Only after I’ve tried the... not punching route,” Carolina ordered before moving in toward the Meta. “Agent Maine! This is your commanding officer!” Carolina shouted, getting the creature’s attention. “That’s right, it’s me.”

It snarled and flexed out with the brute shot in its arms. 

Caboose, sitting up with his head tilted, looked toward Tex. “Um. Are we just going to sit here and watch the new Blue Lady do stuff?” Caboose asked. “Or am I still supposed to help?”

“You are definitely not helping!” Tex and Church said at once. 

“We’ve got our own plan, Caboose, sit tight,” Tex assured him before getting to her feet and racing toward where Carolina and the Meta were. 

Despite what they might have anticipated in response to Carolina’s diplomacy, the Meta actually had lowered his dome shield, looking warily toward Carolina as two AI swirled around its helmet -- bright yellow and turquoise.

“I’m not here to hurt you, I’m here to help,” Carolina continued to coax. 

The Meta hesitated for a moment before letting out a horrific roar, multiple AI appearing around its helmet at that time. 

“Carolina!” York called out from where the Reds and Wash had ended up, distracting the former Freelancer leader. 

“York!?” she cried out just before the Meta took a swing at her. Fortunately, her speed boost got her out of harm’s way but not without tripping her up and causing an awkward landing to her side. 

"Why do I ever open my mouth?” York bemoaned.

“Isn’t that the million dollar question we all keep asking ourselves,” Simmons griped.

Hey, Tex, not that I’m the one to be telling you how to hit things... but I can’t help but notice how Mister Tall-and-Growly-and-Hauntingly-Familiar seems a bit distracted at the moment to me. What’cha think? Church fired off.

“I’m thinking you read my mind, cheater,” Tex said, launching herself forward and toward the Meta, redirecting her grip of both of her hands to Church’s body’s left ankle. “Hey, AI conglomerate!” she cried out, turning the Meta around toward her. “Looking for someone?”

On cue, Church showed up over her shoulder. “Miss me?” he asked. 

Immediately the plethora of AI around the Meta’s helmet began swarming around, encircling over and over again as if all attempting to steal a glance as they released a disorganized muttering of “Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!” 

“Holy fuck this is creepy,” Church remarked shortly before Tex skidded to a halt right before the Meta and then took Church’s body into the full swing of her momentum. “Oh shit not the face!” 

Church let out a frighteningly high pitched scream as his body collided with the Meta’s helmet, shattering both of their visors. But Tex was far from done, taking the flailing, empty robotic body and continuing to beat the dazed and distracted Meta with it. 

Though it stumbled, the Meta seemed too stunned -- not wanting to attack either Tex or Church but also not wanting to create the dome shield again either. Which was fine with Tex because she could keep smacking him around for ages. 

Well, until the Meta had enough and grabbed Church’s arm, ripping it from the rest of the robot.

She then glared toward the others. “You all can get off your asses and help any time you want, y’know!?”

“Yeah, fuckers! We’re pulling our weight!” Church yelled. “Some of us literally!”

Washington was almost too stunned to move. He stared at the scene in complete shock. 

“What’s going on?” Sarge asked as York stumbled through the snow to meet Carolina half way. “What just happened? I want a full report!”

“From who? Me?  I have no fucking idea!” Simmons’ voice crackled.

“Maine... the Freelancer... he has all the missing AI fragments,” Wash answered, still working with the pieces himself. “They’re in a late state of Rampancy -- all of them -- the dying stages of an Artificial Intelligence. And they’ve unified somehow... looking for something... or someone,” he then looked to Tex’s shoulder where Church’s sprite shined brightly. “The Alpha... The AI that stated it all.”

“Great, hope they have fun finding him,” Sarge huffed. “We need to grab our Red Freelancer and skiddadle out of here. Doesn’t look like much of a fight for us.” He paused and then put a hand to his chin. “Though, technically, we still have that agreement with Texas.”

“Finding him?” Wash asked, turning on them. “You honestly still don’t get it. There’s no finding the Alpha, the Alpha is already here. He’s Church! Can’t you see that?”

“What? So you’re saying that those AI with the white guy are all pieces of this Alpha. And the Alpha is Church. And Church is being used by Tex to slap the white dude around?” Simmons tried to keep up.

“Yes,” Wash said simply. 

“Heh. The Blue’s hitting himself,” Sarge chuckled. 

“That doesn’t seem physically possible,” Simmons said, scratching at his helmet. 

“Yes, well, none of us seem to fall toward convention, do we?” Wash asked. He then glared at Simmons. “You said South was coming with reinforcements...”

“Oh, yeah, they are,” Simmons nodded. “They just have to figure out how to fit them through the portal first.”

Wash squinted. “What do you mean by fit?”

No sooner had the words left his mouth than there was a loud, crackling, booming sound in the distance, drawing all of their attention around the mountainside to where green electricity was dancing though the air.

“Wonderful,” Wash muttered.