soften me now, let me take as is given (xviiii)
billie dean howard x reader
summary: You meet Billie in mourning. She's too professional, and you're too angry, and it takes too long to see her again. And again. And again as your lives tumble together.
w/c: 3.3k
taglist: @lotties-ashwagandha
chapter one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen
notes: happy pride! think you guys'll like this one
warnings: a considerable amount of alcohol and its aftermath
Norah, who is in a skin tight green dress and heels you know will be coming off the second she gets tipsy, cashes in her birthday privileges when reinforcements arrive to help finish setting up. She sits daintily on a barstool while you and mutual friends tie up balloons, set up string lights, and prep a beer pong table.
Once you’re able to relax for a few minutes, Norah celebrates by pouring all of them a shot. The lights in Norah’s apartment are a mix of pinks and blues and reds, the string lights are taped to the bar, and they have more than enough alcohol to last them several months.
“Here’s to another year older and no better off,” Norah toasts. A chorus of cheers and salut and unintelligible whoops was followed by the painful grimaces of people who are too old to be taking shots without a chaser. So, you pour everyone another. Just to start the night off right.
The first two hours of the evening fly by. There’s beer pong and good music and video games in the living room, and you’re just about to broach the subject of the cake when a familiar face walks through the door. A beer in hand, you weave your way to the entryway. Billie Dean Howard is in a silky black dress, and her legs are showing, and you feel like you’re about to be knocked to the floor with the force of her. She’s looking around, bag on her shoulder, heels as tall as the night is long.
“Billie,” you call, regaining your voice, dodging the last few people to get to her. It’s sweaty and smells like sweet flavored vodka in Norah’s apartment, and the noise and the lights and the people seem to hit Billie like a wave. But she narrows in on you with a weary smile. You wrap an arm around her, and she stiffens momentarily but reciprocates, nails grazing the skin of your shoulder blade.
“Hi,” she breathes, and you pull away.
“You can put your purse in Norah’s room. It’s the only place off limits tonight,” you say, dragging her through the crowd. She dodges and weaves easily as you plough through, your hand gripping hers. You close the door behind you, and Billie hesitates, setting her purse gently on Norah’s bed.
“When you promised chaos, you meant it,” Billie offers, and you grin.
“I told you Norah’s insane.” But there’s something in Billie’s body language that flips a switch in you. She’s closed off, and you think maybe it’s the people, but Billie’s used to a lot of people in her face. “Are you okay?” Her eyes widen momentarily, and she looks away in a panic but then slowly back to you, swallowing.
“Am I that transparent?” she asks, and you shake your head.
“Not at all.” Billie’s eyes drag across you, lingering, analyzing, looking.
“Good.” It’s final, and you accept it as such. “Is Andy here?”
“No,” you say, jaw twitching. Billie nods, not pushing, and you take the last swig of your beer. “Come on, let’s get you a drink.” As soon as you and Billie are back in the kitchen, Norah grins and claps. She’s just unveiled the cake, a red solo cup in hand.
“You’re here!” she squeals and sets down her cup. Then her arms are wrapped tightly around Billie who blinks and stumbles back. As she recovers, her arms come up to hold Norah, featherlight and awkward. It’s a far cry from the way she hugs you. And as Billie meets your eyes, almost pleadingly, something stirs in you, faint and frightening. Billie always holds you tight and warm, and you can feel the tension melt from her the second your arms are around her. It was silly to think that was commonplace. You swallow as Norah lets her go. “I’m so glad you could make it. Let me get you a drink. What do you want?”
“I got it,” Billie dismisses, squeezing Norah’s arm. “Focus on your cake.”
Someone lights the candles, the music is lowered, and Norah’s dragging you to her, wrapping an arm tight around your waist.
“This bitch right here,” Norah begins, and you grin, rolling your eyes. Everyone whoops and shouts. “Is my best friend in the whole world. She’s the reason.” Norah doesn’t elaborate, but you don’t need her to. “I love you,” she says to you, and then plants a wet kiss on your cheek.
“Love you more,” you grin back, grab onto the side of her head, and kiss her temple.
“And thank you to everyone who made tonight possible. It wouldn’t be a Norah birthday bash without the henchmen behind the scenes.” Another whoop and cheer from the crowd. You find Billie’s eyes. She’s fixed on you, face unreadable. Norah squeezes your waist, pulling you closer.
People don’t exactly sing happy birthday as much as they scream it, and you’d be surprised if you didn’t get a noise complaint before the end of the night. As soon as Norah blows out her candles, the music is back up, and Norah is dipping her finger into the cake. Shots in little red solo cups are passed around, and you find yourself face to face with Billie, who clinks your cups together and downs her shot without so much as a wince. You’re not quite as steely.
You’re quickly put in charge of handing out cake, and by the time you’re down to the last pieces, Billie is back at your side.
“Wanna split one?” you half yell, and Billie nods, handing you a drink. You’re not sure what it is, but it tastes good, and you tell her so as you hand her a plastic fork. As soon as Billie asks you how you’ve been, you launch into a tale about the latest mishaps at Corner Store, and it pulls a smile from Billie, however small. You relish in it, happy just to see her happy. “Are you sure you’re okay?” you ask, and Billie swallows.
“Fine.” You don’t believe her, but you know this isn’t exactly the time to dive into it. So, you try to entertain her. And it seems to work. Her smile returns, just slightly, and her shoulders loosen. As you take the last bite of cake, Billie says something to you, but you can’t hear it over the music and the laughter. Instead of talking louder, she simply reaches over and swipes her thumb along the corner of your mouth. You’re effectively silenced, and Billie’s eyes are dark when she wipes the excess frosting onto her napkin.
“Do you want to play beer pong?” you ask, the only thing capable of leaving your mouth and still you sound like an idiot. You think you might be blushing, but you’re already so warm from the alcohol and the party you can’t be sure. Billie swallows.
“I’m not very good.”
“Somehow I doubt that,” you say, and pull her by the hand, something you’re doing a lot tonight. It feels natural when you’re uninhibited. Billie is good at everything she does. And you’re right, too. She’s excellent, and by the end of the first round she’s grinning, and it’s beautiful. Billie is, undoubtedly, beautiful. But the depth of it hits harder under the low lights, everything tinged with liquor. Billie licks her lips and turns to you, having sunk the winning shot, and you’re definitely blushing now. “I told you,” is all you can say, and Billie laughs. She laughs. And it’s so pretty. Your hands seem to move on their own volition as you set up the cups again.
Most of Norah’s friends are also your friends — artsy, queer types who can’t wear a little black dress without making it subversive and fresh. When Billie wears a little black dress, she makes it do exactly what it was designed for in a way so delicious you find it hard to look at her. Her hair is down in waves, and you want to bite down where her neck meets her shoulder, spread her legs so that her dress slides over her hips.
Billie draws attention here among people who only wear pearls in drag. She’s out of her element, but the gays of Los Angeles certainly know her. You wonder if Norah asked people not to approach her about the show. You’re thankful, regardless, because Billie’s unrestrained here, playing beer pong in heels on a slippery floor, verging on drunk.
In the next round you’re faced with more competition, but Billie’s determined now. She’s competitive, you know this about her. Though it doesn’t come out very often, you like to see her unbridled passion. Her lips fall open, brow hard and set, and your eyes are drawn to her arms when she throws the ping pong ball, the way she manages to stand even higher on her tiptoes. You’re too distracted to notice when she sinks two in a row, and then she’s pulling you to her, nails digging into your arm. She’s so bright and lively, and she’s definitely drunk now, and you’ve never seen her like this. Smooth and easy, she wraps an arm around your waist, digs in and pulls you flush to her.
“That’s two for two, darling. We make a good team,” she says, leaning in, and you swallow, eyes darting across her. You feel hot. Billie’s sticky, and her face is shiny, and her body is warm and soft against you. Shadows dance across a jawline that could cut you, and her nose and cheeks are red. Oh, and her lips are so very red. You could kiss her right now. You want to so desperately, but Andy. God. You pull away and grab her elbow.
“I need another drink.”
You take two shots in a row, and then Billie says she needs a cigarette, so you meander back to Norah’s room to grab her purse. You don’t realize that you’re drunk until Norah’s bedroom lights flicker on, and the room doesn’t feel all that real, your ears hollow and ringing from the music. Billie’s uncoordinated, and she sways just slightly, just enough for you to want to hold her steady, place your hands on her hips. Jesus Christ.
“Maybe I should call Andy,” you mumble, and Billie turns, unlit cigarette between her soft painted lips.
“Why?” she asks, and you pull your hair from your neck, sweaty and flushed.
“I told her not to come tonight. I feel bad,” you admit, fanning yourself. Billie sits down on the bed full of other people’s coats and bags. She steadies herself by pressing her hands to the mattress.
“Are you two okay?” she asks. Billie’s always polite when it comes to Andy but not overly friendly. Come to think of it, she and Andy have never really spent time together. You find that odd considering both Norah and Margot have. And Billie has quickly become an important addition to your life. She should be meeting Andy. Deep down, part of you doesn’t want her to.
“I think I’m pushing her away,” you admit, something you wouldn’t do so freely if you were sober. Billie cocks her head, her now frizzy curls falling down over her arm.
“Come to the balcony with me,” she says then, striding forward with the abrupt purpose only a drunk Billie could pull off. You follow obediently.
There are two other people there already, but it’s quiet and cool, and the wind sobers you a little. Billie lights her cigarette, the orange of the lit tobacco illuminating soft skin. She puffs deeply, languidly, like this is something she’s been needing for hours.
“Tell me everything,” she says, eyes meeting yours. You sigh, leaning against the railing, cool metal digging into your partially exposed stomach. The brightly lit skyline of West Hollywood and LA in the distance soothes you. The smell of cigarettes and the lingering hint of Billie’s perfume soothes you in a different way. You want to lean into it.
“There’s not much more to tell,” you admit, picking at your cuticles. You’ve already told her you don’t love Andy. “It’s starting to feel…unfair to her. I have to make a decision.” Billie hums, smoke curling from her nose. “Anyway, why aren’t you seeing anyone? I’m sure you have women flocking to your doorstep.” Billie snorts, and it’s undignified in a distinctly un-Billie way, and you love it. “I’m serious.” Billie’s jaw clenches, and she taps ash over the balcony.
“No one’s struck my fancy,” she answers, eyes sliding back to you. You glare, and she narrows her eyes briefly at you. But you win because she breaks eye contact first, fiddling with the filter of her cigarette. “It’s hard. Finding people who…accept me,” she relents, looking down. “Don’t see me as a spectacle or a celebrity or an actor.”
She’s bitter, and you want to dissipate that feeling as quickly as possible. So you reach over to grab her cigarette and take a slow drag. Her eyes find your mouth as her nails tap out a pensive rhythm on the railing.
“I don’t,” you say, leaning forward.
“I know,” she answers hoarsely, brushing a sticky strand of hair from your cheek and tucking it behind your ear. Her thumb lingers on your skin, stroking lightly. You lean into it, savoring the warmth.
. . .
Billie thinks you may be trying to kill her tonight. You’re drinking quicker than she can keep up, and everytime she sees you take a shot, she wants to lick the excess from your chin and your neck and down your collarbone and fuck. You get affectionate when you’re drunk, not unlike Norah who’s kissed Billie on the cheek twice now. You left that out when you warned Billie about Norah, and she smiles thinking of it, wondering if this is out of the norm for you. If Billie’s the exception. Because you linger. Your fingers barely leave her skin, always grazing, holding, gripping. And the way you look at Billie burns it’s so tender.
Not to say Billie isn’t drunk either. She most definitely is, but she cuts herself off when the room starts spinning and she can’t feel her feet, which should be aching in her heels by now. It’s only much later into the evening that Billie finally gets you to drink a glass of water.
You’re so pretty tonight. And every night. But especially tonight, carefree and open and lovely. Your eyes are shining, and your smile is bright, and you wrap an arm around Billie every chance you get, low around her waist or up around her shoulders. Either way, Billie’s overwhelmed. You smell like sweat and liquor and a hint of sweetness Billie wants to devour. God, she wants you. It’s an easier thought to accept when she’s drunk. She can watch the way your hips move, the way you lick your lips, the way you dance to the music without suffering through quite as much mental gymnastics.
But it’s when you run your hands through her hair as you dance together that Billie truly feels like she’s in trouble. Her head comes back, heat washing over her as you tug just enough to part Billie’s lips, to blow her pupils wide and dark and eager. You’re singing, and it comes out hot and breathy on her skin, in her ear. Dazed, Billie wraps an arm around you, pulls you close as her other hand rises to your arm, still in Billie’s hair. Her nails dig into your forearm, and as you let her hair go, your arms settle on her shoulders, around her neck. Billie’s hot, and it has nothing to do with the party. There’s heat pooling low in her belly and tight between her legs, and you don’t notice the way she looks at you. So openly ravenous.
And then Norah’s there, and she’s dancing with you in the sweaty haze of the living room, and Billie’s so thankful she almost gasps. Her heart is pounding. She almost kissed you right there in the middle of Norah’s crowded apartment.
Billie’s feeling reckless tonight, emotions she doesn’t want to face boiling under her skin, and she needs to leave.
Seeing her walk toward Norah’s bedroom, you chase after her, sliding in and closing the door behind you.
“Hey,” you breathe, running your hands through your hair. Billie swallows, drunk and roaring with adrenaline. Even your voice makes her ache.
“Y/N,” she sighs, turned away from you.
“Are you leaving?” you ask, breathless. She doesn’t answer, ears ringing, heart thumping in her chest. She wants your hands on her right now. “What’s wrong?” You’re slurring just slightly. Billie turns, hands buzzing, face hot. You’re so gorgeous. “Did something happen? Did I do something?”
Billie steps forward, practically glides, a moth to a flame. And she doesn’t stop until she’s in your space, raising both hands to cradle your jaw, nails scraping behind your ears, pulling. And she doesn’t breathe, doesn’t think, doesn’t consider much of anything except her deep, bruising need when she slides her lips onto yours.
She presses in, desperate, and can feel the surprised tension in you dissipate, the breath you gasp before kissing her back. Your lips are soft and wet when they seek out Billie’s and pliant when she parts them, sinking deeper into you. When your hands finally grip Billie’s waist, she sighs, tongue sliding. Sucking on your bottom lip, she feels your breath on her cheek. You taste like peaches, and Billie’s fingers dig into the nape of your neck as she backs you up against the wall. You do gasp then, and she kisses you so deeply it makes your hands go slack against her.
Billie’s heart is racing as her arm snakes around your back, and you pull her closer by the waist, hips pressed together. She nips at your lip before kissing your cheek and your jaw and your neck under your ear, and you shiver. You shiver, and Billie chokes back a moan when you let out a noise so soft and sweet she barely hears it. But her tongue feels it on your throat.
You smell like sweat and cheap perfume and alcohol. Christ.
You arch into Billie as she slows, her fingers splayed across your back. Your breaths come out quick in time with Billie’s when she stops nose to nose with you, eyes closed, lips parted. You tug softly at her, and Billie swallows.
When she peels herself away from you it’s definitive but gentle, and she turns so she doesn’t have to see the lipstick she left on your skin. You don’t speak, and when Billie does turn around, purse in hand, your back is still against the wall, swaying in place, unblinking and focused on her. Dazed and throbbing, Billie wants nothing more than to drop her purse and take off this dress for you. But you’re drunk. You’re very drunk. And your lips are swollen and stained red from Billie’s lipstick. She swallows and strides wordlessly out of the bedroom door before she can change her mind.
. . .
You’re in and out of sleep for hours before your eyes finally open. There’s a crick in your neck, and you feel far away from the bed you’re in, stomach cramping. You groan, pressing your face into the pillow. There’s rustling next to you, and Norah’s face appears from under a blanket. Her makeup is smeared across her puffy face. You stare at each other, unable to muster much more, eyes barely open.
“I gotta go,” you mumble, untangling yourself from the sheets to trek to the bathroom, hands steadying yourself on the walls.
When you return, Norah’s laying on her back, arms at her side.
“I may be getting too old for this,” she admits, voice hoarse. You sigh as you strip out of your party clothes and lay on top of the covers, clammy and aching. You both stare at the ceiling.
“I blacked out,” you say, trying to pinpoint when you stopped retaining memories. It may have been just after the balcony with Billie. You hope she got home okay.
“Me too,” Norah sighs. You both stare at the ceiling until the stomach cramps fade to hunger, and then you order in the greasiest brunch you can find.
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Birthdays 8.27
Beer Birthdays
Fred Bowman (1944)
Five Favorite Birthdays
Barbara Bach; actor (1947)
C.S. Forester; English writer (1899)
Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel; German philosopher (1770)
Tarzan of the Apes; fictional character (1912)
Jeanette Winterson; English writer (1959)
Famous Birthdays
Patrick J. Adams; Canadian actor (1981)
Andreas Alföldi; Hungarian archaeologist and historian (1895)
Fernest Arceneaux; singer and accordion player (1940)
G.W. Bailey; actor (1944)
Gordon Bashford; English engineer, Range Rover co-creator (1916)
Tim Bogert; singer and bass player (1944)
Carl Bosch; German chemist (1874)
"Downtown" Julie Brown; V.J. (1959)
Sarah Chalke; actor (1976)
Alice Coltrane; pianist and composer (1937)
Jeff Cook; singer-songwriter and guitarist (1949)
Audrey C. Delsanti; French astronomer and biologist (1976)
Daryl "The Captain" Dragon; pop singer, songwriter (1942)
Theodore Dreiser; writer (1871)
Charles Fleischer; comedian and actor (1950)
Tom Ford; fashion designer (1961)
Chuck Girard; singer-songwriter and pianist (1943)
Samuel Goldwyn; film producer (1882)
Jeff Grubb; game designer and author (1957)
Johann Georg Hamann; German philosopher (1730)
Lyndon Baines Johnson; 36th U.S. President (1908)
Tony Kanal; British-American bass player and songwriter (1970)
Tom Lanoye; Belgian author, poet, and playwright (1958)
Ira Levin; writer (1929)
Alex Lifeson; Canadian singer-songwriter and guitarist (1953)
Norah Lofts; English author (1904)
Glen Matlock; English singer-songwriter and bass player (1956)
Katharine McCormick; biologist (1875)
John Mehler; drummer (1948)
Kenji Miyazawa; Japanese author and poet (1896)
Ann Murray; Irish soprano (1949)
Giuseppe Peano; Italian mathematician and philosopher (1858)
Kim Petras; German singer-songwriter (1992)
Jimmy Pop; singer-songwriter and guitarist (1972)
Norman Foster Ramsey Jr.; physicist (1915)
Man Ray; photographer, artist (1890)
Martha Ray; actor (1916)
Harry Reems; porn actor (1947)
Paul "Pee-Wee Herman" Reubens; actor, comedian (1952)
Robert Richardson; cinematographer (1955)
Tommy Sands; pop singer (1937)
Diana Scarwid; actress (1955)
Sonny Sharrock; guitarist (1940)
Reece Shearsmith; English actor, comedian and writer (1969)
Léon Theremin, Russian physicist, engineer, Theremin inventor (1896)
Kay Walsh; English actress and dancer (1911)
Tuesday Weld; actor (1943)
Chandra Wilson; actress (1969)
Lester Young; saxophonist and clarinet player (1909)
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