#butch is one of those words that starts to look weird when you see it a lot

[mazumi]

All I want is for a muscular Dom butch to strap me stupid and call me her good girl in her wood paneled office inside of the haunted library she works at like

[simplysedusa]

How do you think the girls and boys will make/maintain friendships? The relationships they have outside of each other intrigues me. Like the girls are instantly popular due to their heroic status but might have a hard time making friendships that don’t feel surface level. You mentioned before that Townsville’s acceptance for them is very conditional and I can see them developing a sort of trust issues as they catch on to this. Probably very few like Robin make their way inside their core group and know them outside of their superhero identities. The boys have it rough and they are aware that their reputation didn’t come out of nowhere and isn’t exactly unwarranted. All they’ve known is to rely on each other for all their lives and letting someone else in was never an option. Like the girls they trust each other unconditionally but still they wonder, one more than the other, about a connection that isn’t familial. A few of the school delinquents might feel bold enough to start talking to them but the boys have this thing about feeling used by people, so these losers trying to hire them to be their sort sort of super powered hitmen kind of rubs them the wrong way. One kid remarks ‘wow that was awesome how you handled [name of random bully] and they’re like ‘yeah it was.’

Asks like these always make me giddy, but I find it very difficult for me to formulate my thoughts because I have a lot to say and I wanna seem coherent, so bare with me, lol. 😁

Elementary school is easy for the Powerpuff Girls, everyone is friends with everyone so long as you're nice (for the most part). And when you're the city's beloved superheroes, making friends is as easy as breathing. Just look at how many girls they invited to their sleepover in "Slumbering With The Enemy".

Meanwhile, for the Rowdyruff Boys, making friends for them isn't even on their radar yet. There's a 50/50 chance they can't even define the word, "friend". Remember how I said Butch had the most codependent tendencies? All these three know are each other, and honestly, to them, they're all they need. I could see the boys "making allies" with those they believe to be on their level but given the current roster of Townsville villains, no one makes the cut. The Gangreen Gang (and my version of the Powerpunks) comes close, but they're frenemies at best. For my WIPs, the Powerpunks and Rowdyruffs (prior to being adopted by Ms. Keane), temporarily bond over some criminal activity until the Ruffs say some misogynistic shit and get their teeth kicked in.

Middle school age is where things get interesting. While I also feel that the Puffs have a few codependent tendencies amongst themselves, all three girls have strived to be individuals in their own right (as in "The Bare Facts", "Super Zeroes", "Three Girls and a Monster", etc.), so I'd imagine this to be the starting point of where their specific, individual friendship circles start to form. While attending school with superheroes would probably lose its appeal with middle schoolers, they'd still find the girls to be cool. Buttercup and Mitch would still be friends alongside the Floyjoydson Twins and whoever the athletes are. Blossom could be friends with Elmer, Clara, and others who are more studious. Bubbles would be the clique hopper who's still clinging on to her elementary school days, but her main clique could consist of the artists or the "weird kids". MTH has her main friend group be the kids from "Mojo Jonesin'" and I think that's perfect. Their only shared friend, and closest friend, would be Robin (and for my WIPs, Elmer and Mitch as well). The Puffs are still pretty young around this age, but they're also becoming teenagers (and that means, middle school drama *shudders*). This would be where the girls start to develop some edge to them. They don't seem as enthusiastic or peppy as they once were. They're not smiling as often as they used to. Perhaps they're a bit wittier. While the girls wouldn't mind saving the city and are still happy to do so, a few citizens of Townsville would see the differences between the 12-13 year old Puffs and the 5 year old Puffs and start complaining. For one specific WIP, the girls are homeschooled during this time so they're starving for social interaction. They've still managed to maintain their friendship with Robin, Elmer, and Mitch since Robin's their next door neighbor, Mitch sometimes stays the night when needed, and Elmer gets examined by the Professor due to his new glue abilities.

12-13 year old Ruffs would definitely get bored with each other and would want to start seeking social interaction elsewhere. Butch would be the least willing of the three to do so and start to stick to his brothers (mostly Brick) like glue. However, since the three get placed in a foster care group home for a few years, their opportunities to make friends are very, very limited and temporary. And again, no one really knows or understands what these three have gone through, so what would be the point? They'd definitely push people away with empty threats.

Now they're high schoolers. They've matured, but they're still teenagers. By this point, the rose tinted glasses are off and ineffective. The girls see how certain people react when Buttercup's caught sneaking out to go party at night. Or how annoyed certain people get with Bubbles' activism (protesting for animal rights, BLM, LGBT+, against genocides being committed across the globe (😉), etc). Or how others will see a clip of Blossom politely correcting an interviewer on robotic engineering and suddenly think of her as a pompous, arrogant know-it-all who needs to be humbled. How Townsville would see them at this point would be synonymous to how people view child stars who are maturing in the public eye. The girls have realized that Townsville's opinion of them could change at a blink of an eye, and that they had before (In "Major Competition" the girls are replaced by Major Man and are seen as less than. In "Down 'n' Dirty", an angry mob chases after a 5 year old for not bathing. In "The Rowdyruff Boys", the girls immediately assume that the city doesn't want them to defend them anymore after losing to the Ruffs. In the movie, the city (and the world) deems the girls to be bug eyed monsters. In "Save Mojo", animal rights activists interfere and temporarily stop the girls from fighting Mojo, deeming their actions to be cruel despite the evil schemes Mojo has attempted in the past). So, for the average peer, the girls would be friendly but cautious.

Another concern I see the Puffs running into would be clout chasers. Even if they're not as beloved as they once were as kindergarteners, these girls are still well known, they're practically famous. And anyone looking to better their social standing would see the girls as a perfect opportunity. Both Blossom and Buttercup are usually pretty good with sussing out acquaintances with ulterior motives (or at least Blossom, I could see Buttercup being manipulated somewhat easily), while Bubbles on the other hand gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, and often time gets manipulated for it.

I could see Buttercup having the most friends, I think she'd be the most popular of the three in a high school setting, but she wouldn't necessarily have many that she'd be able to be vulnerable with. It'd be pretty easy to make friends if you're partaking in sports, especially team sports in school. I'd imagine a few athletes get jealous and accuse Buttercup of cheating (despite the fact that in my WIPs, Professor Utonium invents a Chemical X tracker that shows when Chemical X is being used so people know when the Puffs or Ruffs are using their powers against other normies).

Blossom, to me, feels like she'd struggle the most individually in the friend-making department; I think she'd have the hardest time differentiating between when to be a superhero and when to just be a girl. She'd be popular in the sense that everyone knows her, and she's that smart girl you wanna pair up with for school projects, but not many would know her on a personal level. She'd be a bit of an enigma, and most would already believe her to be a narc (and simultaneously a hypocrite considering all of the crimes the Puffs had committed in the past).

Bubbles, on the other hand, would be the one throwing herself at others platonically and just casually trauma dumping about how she has the weight of the town's (and subsequently, the world's) safety on her shoulders, and how she feels that her childhood was essentially stolen from her. Somehow though, she'd have the most friends who know her outside of the superhero persona, but still less friends than Buttercup overall (or at least, real friends anyway).

In my HS WIP, the girls finally go back to public school during their sophomore year, so they might be a bit more naive, but you get the picture.

High school aged Rowdyruffs wouldn't be as hostile as their younger counterparts, but they're every bit as guarded. Any idiot who'd try to condemn them will be made into an example. Even so, there would be moments where they'd feel alienated, and perhaps this time around, they'd be much more honest about it.

Individually, Boomer might have it the easiest out of the three, since he looks like he'd be the least intimidating one and would be the most popular one as a star athlete of several sports teams. Even so, his reputation precedes him.

Butch, again being the most codependent brother, would be somewhat of a loner without his brothers around. He plays sports like Buttercup and Boomer, but his are individual based such as swimming, wrestling, and gymnastics. While both of these are great social outlets, I doubt many would go out of their way to talk to him. Butch (or Brick, maybe all three of them, idk) gives me the vibes of someone who'd sit beside you if you're all alone in a school library, the cafeteria, or a pep assembly (basically some place you can't easily escape) and just sit there in silence and see how you react. They'd see it as a challenge, filtering out who the pussies in school are and who passes the vibe check.

Brick's the most infamous of his brothers since he's the leader, so on one hand, he's the most feared. On the other hand, those who may not be the biggest fans of the Puffs might seek him out and attempt to befriend him through what they'd assume to be their mutual dislike/hatred of the girls (these people would piss him off, his past with the Puffs would be the last thing he'd want to talk about). Since Brick wouldn't be as involved in extracurriculars like Boomer or Butch, he wouldn't have as much of an opportunity. Brick's circle would be small, like two to three people tops. Most of his friends would probably be the kids he met in detention. Much like how he treated Bubbles in "Bubble Boy", I'd see Brick talking about the crimes he'd committed as some sort of vibe check.

In my HS WIP, most would steer clear until they've officially made up and befriended the girls. It'd be much harder for the boys to find friendships that aren't just surface-level (and that aren't the Puffs). At this point in their lives, I'd like to think they'd officially befriended the Gangreen Gang though, so that's something.

Adult Puffs and Ruffs would just cling on to whatever close friends they made in the past since befriending other adults is a challenge in itself.

[bulldog-butch]

Would you be willing to describe what being on T has been like for you physically and mentally? I just had top surgery and am debating if I should go on T. Top surgery was such a clear cut decision for me, I had no doubts. But going on T I am so hesitant on. It’s weird because I have this feeling that I want to be on it but I think about individual changes and they kind of scare me. Muscle growth and fat redistribution and bottom growth/changes appeal to me. But my voice dropping too low and facial hair scare me. Other body hair growth doesn’t bother me quite as much, I feel more indifferent on. That one just worries me because I still have so many self doubts about my current body hair with being raised a woman and societal expectations even though I am a non binary butch. But I’m still mainly around people that expect me to be perfectly shaved because at the end of the day, they still view me as a woman. It’s frustrating. But like having a little bit of a happy trail and bush and arm pit hair brings me joy when it’s just me. I love to look at it. So I think some body hair growth in T would bring me those little moments of euphoria when I see them in the mirror. But facial hair isn’t super appealing to me.

Sorry I’m telling you my life story. I’m just always curious about other people experiences, especially the amount of people that talk about how their mental health improved. I’m just so up in the air about T right now.

oof okay lots to unpack here. my first inclination is to ask why you’re fearful of specific changes like voice drop and facial hair. not wanting those changes is one thing but the fact that you used the word scared or afraid several times makes me feel that this is more than just a preferential thing and could be driven by outside expectations like the body hair stuff.

now more toward your specific questions, for voice drop, if you’re going to start testosterone, even a low dose, there is a very high likelihood that your voice will drop. now i don’t know what qualifies to you as “too low” but i want you to be aware that for many people including myself, voice drop is one of the first outward indications of testosterone working (the first internal indication for me was the intense horniness lol). ironically toward your other concern, unless you’re someone already prone toward having some visible facial hair, it’s often one of the later things to come along or more likely to start on a higher dose. but that’s no guarantee. i can speak to my own experience that two years in having been on a relatively low but not super low dose, i have a barely visible mustache and only the beginnings of other facial hair. but shaving is always an option or if you have the means electrolysis is also a path. my point is, you could start on a low dose and chances are it would be a really long time before facial hair at all becomes an issue. another thing you can do is take finasteride which is primarily taken to stop hair loss, but it can have the effect of slowing down body and facial hair growth as well.

the great thing about hrt is you can start slow and change your mind at literally any moment. i would highly recommend starting just by talking to a doctor who knows about hrt and telling them what you want out of it and they can tell you what’s possible and what isn’t and all the details about starting and what dose etc.

i hope you’re able to figure it out anon. i can’t say i love every change ive had on hrt, but i love myself and my body more now than i did before and i am so thrilled about the changes i will carry with me forever even if i decided to stop hrt tomorrow. at the end of the day its easy to remind myself that cis people also don’t love all the changes their bodies go through due to hormones and they do things every day to avoid them, and being trans is no different

[murdockmeta]

Two Mike Murdock lines I've been rotating in my head

The "I'm not the best at being genuine" line (that might not be the exact wording but I don't wanna look it up) he says to Kirsten when she gets angry at him (while he's pretending to be Matt) for brushing her off and acting weird.

That line, when I first read that scene, came outta nowhere to me and when he said it it almost felt like he broke "character" for a second. Not just in this facade he was throwing up while pretending to be Matt but also the general facade he's throws up while... well, while he's being him.

Like you can tell having to be around Kirsten as Matt after her and Matt broke up so recently really bothers him. Makes him uncomfortable. He's constantly trying to play it cool and more or less avoid her because he doesn't wanna fuck things up. And he makes that so apparent with the "being genuine" line because he's trying to communicate in his own way that he's trying. The major roadblock is that Kirsten has no idea how hard Mike's trying because she doesn't know it's Mike.

She just sees Matt being an asshole and being cold to her after a breakup. She sees him being bad at his job seemingly on purpose. It's not fair to Mike because he knows nothing about being a lawyer and he's doesn't wanna make things worse but he also has no idea how to make things better. It's not fair to Kirsten either but that's getting off topic.

I'm still angry Matt didn't tell Mike everything while Mike was pretending to be him and honestly if Mike does come back to life, I hope he finds out and he's gets really pissed off anyway

That line just hurts because you can see how much Mike's struggling. And after Kirsten reacts positively he just throws up another smoke screen by asking to take her for a drink which of course pisses her off. Mike's just trying to throw back on his mask as quickly as possible so he probably doesn't even think about what he's saying. He just has no idea how to deal with all those complex emotions and honestly he shouldn't have to and I don't blame him for acting the way he does.

Now, the other line. The "I'm not real" line he says to Butch. This one hurts me because again, its this glimpse we get of Mike. Like, his-walls-are-down and he's-trying-to-open-up Mike. This line hurts more, though, because Butch is his friend. His best friend.

Mike's finally coming clean about everything that happened, Butch is the first person he's told. And then, Butch just gets angry. Mike's not only telling him really personal information but he's also trying to help Butch by giving him a solution to his problem and Butch just tells Mike to leave. He acts like Mike's betrayed him or something because he's oh-so-tired of magic rocks and superheroes.

Buddy, you're tired of magic rocks and superheroes?? You live in the magic rocks and superheroes universe.

But it just makes me wanna bite down on something and whip it back and forth like a feral dog. Mike's trying to help, not just help, he's legitimately offering a fix-all magic solution that he could've used for anything else, and Butch just tells him to fuck off.

All this to say, the "I'm not real" line sticks out the most because it's what Mike starts with. He starts with that even though it really has nothing to do with any of the other stuff he's talking about. He could've just skipped that and said he stole the stone but he wants to be completely honest, he wants someone to know the truth, he wants someone to understand everything he's been going through.

[madmaru2010]

"Baby Gay."

Someone who has recently come out of the closet. A period of 1 to 2 years is the time span in which someone could be labeled as a baby gay. Baby gays generally instantly love everything rainbow related and generally have that innocent joy of just coming out. We have to protect them.

I was about 11 or 12 the first time it happened to me. We were in a locker room after spending a field day with my friends from the nun school I went to. I know, such a cliché, but it's the truth.

I didn't know why I got so anxious when my friends changed in front of me.

One of them, with whom I had a particularly lousy relationship, I would have said that she bullied me if I had known that word at the time, undressed completely in front of me. I remember as if it were today that I was petrified staring at the reflection of her tits in the mirror. Bully or not Bully, without clothes the girl had her thing.

I remember as if it were now: the electricity that ran through my whole body, how the words, which in my mind sounded normal (they always sound better in my mind!) took my mouth by storm and at gunpoint forced my tongue to tell her: "You have European tits". She was facing away from me, but I could see the reflection of her body, her face and mine in the mirror. One of my friends laughed and said to me " What would it be like to have European tits?" A red fire took over my face and I pulled out my nerdy, piggy, bookworm badge and gave an explanation that no one understood, fortunately. Or unfortunately. I was always the weird girl, the one who talked difficult, didn't know how to fit in well, and passed for eccentric and nobody gave too much importance to that fact.

Or at least that's what I remember, what I know.

At that young age I already had in my head, always in my head, a kind of Bestiary of Boobs.

In medieval literature, a Bestiary was a collection of stories, descriptions and images of real or fantastic animals.

When I was 12 years old, I had already catalogued women's breasts according to the continent they came from: European, Asian, Latin. And still, when I undress a woman, those categories jump laughingly in my head to see who is playing on that occasion.

I wonder now if the mother of one of my friends, a close friend of my mother's and not one to mince words, ever suspected my sexuality and commented on it. This anecdote actually happened in a country house where she was taking us. The Bully was her niece.

There were signs. Big neon signs.

My early passion for skateboards and menswear. My tomboy tendency, Butch, butch as they call it in the neighborhood.

The question "What if I'm a lesbian? bounced around in my head for as long as I can remember. The answer was always no, that I was flashing. Because I didn't know women like me. I had never heard stories like mine. Much later, I understood that when we ask ourselves for a long time the same question, the question itself is the answer.

I remember how I forced myself to look for guys I liked because you had to have a crush. I remember choosing a few, especially a boy I admired.

I didn't like boys, I wanted to be like them. It wasn't crush, it was identification.

It took me 24 more years to come across a fiction in which a woman accepted her sexuality by falling passionately in love with a colleague. They were scientists, daring, intelligent, funny, very feminine both and at the age of 36 I could no longer live in Narnia and I started, step by step, softly, softly, as the song says, to look for the exit door of the closet.

Traducido con DeepL https://www.deepl.com/app/?utm_source=android&utm_medium=app&utm_campaign=share-translation

[softlyapocalytpic]

Felt like I was in a mood to think about how Amy would feel about the growing romance between Butch & Lainey in our LW wanderer AU <3 @persephotea take this small silly treat

Amy was bouncing her leg hard enough that her desk was starting to rattle. Mr. Brotch looked back at her a couple times with an arch brow, but something on her face made him keep his thoughts to himself. Amata - and Freddie - didn't feel so charitable. She tried to stop, really, she did, but anytime she saw Butch giving Lainey those big ol' doe eyes when he thought no one was looking it made her want to snap her pencil.

When Lainey had started tutoring him she'd been worried. Not the Butch would try anything weird, but that he'd be a dipshit. Now Lainey was looking at him like blushy cheeks and baby doll eyes and- and she wasn't saying a word to Amy about it. Both her and Amata kept asking, but Lainey's lips were sealed.

Amy dug her pencil onto the page of the essay and tried really really hard to not be pissed off about it. What Lainey did on her own time was none of her damn business and Lainey wanted to keep secrets now than whoop-di-fucking doo. Good for her.

Someone tapped her shoulder and Amy turned to fund a marker being handed to her, big brown eyes that smiled at the corners. Lainey had leaned over, smelling like cinnamon & coffee, and her heart skipped a bit Amy looked at it warily.

"Brotch still hasn't given you the colors back?"

Amy was scowling back (she knew she shouldn't, she could hear her Dad reprimanding her) but took the marker anyway, "I'm on a two-week probation. Apparently 'the bard's work isn't for doodling'." Amy rolled her eyes, "I don't get what's so great about Romeo and Juliet anyway-"

A ruler rapped against her desk, "Lockhart, Watson. Care to share with the class?"

They both straightened up in their seat instinctively, but Amy's mouth was faster than her brain, "I mean I could, but I don't think you'd like it." She bit her tongue.

'Damn it.' She could hear Butch and the other snakes snickering on the other side of class and it made her want to punch something.

"Please, go ahead."

If it had been any other day she would've shut her mouth and apologized (probably), but having all these eyes on her made her skin crawl and she was so tired of Butch's shit. "I don't see what's so great about Romeo and Juliet."

"Lockhart-"

"Why is the best love story ever written? They don't love each other- they barely know each other! Romeo was in love with someone else at the start of the story, whose to say he would've been any better to Juliet had they actually lived? It's just sad, not romantic. It shouldn't be seen as a love story, but instead what happens when-"

Brotch cut her off, "I'm glad to see you were actually paying attention to some of the lecture, but next time-" he plucked the marker out of her hand, "-try applying that to your behavior, please."

Amy slumped into her seat and propped her chin in her hand feeling all of those hot sparks flying and nowhere to put it. She zoned out the rest of the lecture feeling like moments from flying off the handle, and was going to stalk off to practice when a warm hand grabbed hers.

"Amy! Wait up!"

Cinnamon and coffee.

She felt her cheeks ignite.

[river-witchery]

I've known I that I'm nonbinary for a while. Started figuring that out in college, which feels like a lifetime ago. I hadn't known my entire life, but that was more of a pebble than a pothole on my road to self-discovery. I went through a moment of "am I trans enough to call myself trans?" What a funny thought, looking back on it.

Coming to terms with being transmasc though? That was an entirely different thing. My gender felt weird. It felt queer. But masculine? No. I had no connection with masculinity. I felt just as uncomfortable with masculinity as I did femininity.

Or so I told myself—and others occassionally, when I wanted to emphasize my gender's queerness, its otherness, its void-like ambiguity; when I wanted to make sure they didn't just swap out one half of the binary for the other.

Looking back, I can tell something wasn't sitting right, something was nagging at the peripheral of my self-understanding. I remember finding a lot of comfort in butchness at this time. I am so thankful for butches for that safety in exploration, and the gentle nudging into queer masculinity.

But it wasn't really until dear friend of mine, new to my nonbinary-ness, began swapping the more feminine-coded compliments and titles for distinctly masculine ones—it wasn't really until then that my transmasculinity took root to blossom in me.

And you can spare me the essay; I can read my own words. "I wanted to make sure they didn't just swap out one half of the binary for the other." Hear me when I say that I could feel it in my soul that they did not do that. I could tell—and I know I am not the only one who can—when "handsome" was said queerly.

It is not a coincidence that I only give my full set of pronouns to those who I can trust to see the queerness in "he/him." I withhold those for my own safety, though in the process, I feel like I am withholding part of myself. Because the euphoria I get when I can be nonbinary, genderqueer, transmasculine, is like no other I have felt before.

[plus-size-reader]

Creep pt.2

Victor Criss x Plus size!reader

Word Count: 2424 words

Warnings: none

Summary: Victor finally gets the date he was so desperate for

Part 1 

—————————————————————————————————

He’d figured it out.

It took him all week, and he’d nearly burst a blood vessel while trying to figure out what it was he wanted to do, but Victor knew now.  

You specified that you wanted him to take you to dinner. That was what you wanted if you were going to believe that he had feelings for you, and he definitely did.

So, all he had to do was figure out was where to take a girl like you, a girl he really liked, without his friends ever finding out that the dinner date happened.

It was a tall order, but after all this time, he had an idea.

All he had to do was make sure that the guys were busy, and he would be free to take you anywhere he wanted. Then, as far as wooing you went, he already had a whole dinner date set up in the form of a picnic in the quarry.

There weren’t a lot of first date level restaurants around here that were any good, and the ones that were around, he certainly couldn’t afford or wasn’t allowed back into.

Most of the business owners in Derry were wary of the Bower’s gang, and they had been banned from most of the fancier establishments.

Hell, even the milkshake bar on the other side of town had threatened to have them arrested if they ever went back. Though, he sort of understood where they were coming from, after Henry spray painted some really obscene things on the side of their building.

Victor just hoped the saying was right, and the thought behind his evening with you would be enough to show you just how much you meant to him because the picnic he’d planned was pretty extensive.

He had gone out and picked up everything you could have wanted, aside from the burgers he was going to pick up right before picking you up at your house, so they wouldn’t get cold.

He had a blanket that he could spread out over the edge of the rock quarry, looking down over the water, and he even got these tiny little cakes from the bakery down the street that he figured you’d like.

Girls liked those kinds of things, he’d asked Belch.

All in all, it was shaping up to be a pretty good date. The only thing Vic still had to do was figure out how to get the guys out of his hair for the night.

The worst thing he could possibly imagine happening would be Henry, Patrick, and to a lesser extent Belch, crashing your picnic and ruining his chances with you completely.

The blonde was already well aware that he was on thin ice with you, which was why this probationary date had to go well. He wanted to show you that he was capable of this.

That he was more than just some thug who made fun of pretty girls for their extra weight and relationship status, two things Henry went pretty hard at you for.

Henry and Patrick both liked to comment on how you would never have a boyfriend because of your size, and how you would probably die a virgin cause nobody would hit that.

In fact, there were very few things about you that the more alpha of his friends wouldn’t torment you for, something that, the more he thought about it, made Victor upset.

You had a point that day in the hall.

He had never really said anything nasty about you to your face, but he hadn’t stopped them from doing it either. He just stood back and let his friends treat you like the dirt beneath their boots.

It was hardly the foundation for a functional relationship, but he wanted to try. For now, all he could do was hope that he’d planned such an amazing date that it would make up for all those terrible things.

Thankfully, before Victor could further drive himself crazy, his three best, and only, friends came around the corner and made a B-line for him. This was it, if this went well, he would be home free for his date tonight.

...But if it didn’t, he had no idea how he was going to explain it to you.

There was no way you would give him a second chance if he cancelled your date to spend the night riding around in Belch’s Trans Am, listening to hair metal.

It had to happen tonight.

“Where have you been?” Belch asked, the only one of the three to even address him once they’d made it to his side.

Henry and Patrick continued to talk about whatever it was that had them so enthralled.

It wasn’t new, and didn’t even really bother Vic, but it was something he had never realized before. They didn’t even really seem to care if he was there or not, which he never would have noticed before talking to you.

Somehow you had managed to turn everything Victor knew upside down and he wasn't sure that he liked it. He wasn’t blind to the fact that his friends weren’t the best people before, but it had never hurt him to be around them.

They were the only friends he had, even if they weren’t the greatest guys of all time.

They were what he had.

“I had to run a few errands, no big deal” the blonde shrugged, hoping he’d done a good enough job at hiding his true intentions so that Belch wouldn’t ask any questions.

He wouldn’t have any answers for him if he did.

This whole thing was new to Vic, who had never really liked a girl this much in the first place, but he was doing what he thought would work. Lying, thankfully, wasn’t new to him.

At the very least, he could rely on his quick wit and the fact that two of the three of his friends couldn’t have been more oblivious to what he was doing and the third wasn’t the brightest to begin with.

It was starting to look like his little scheme would actually work.

Belch didn’t pry any further, something that Victor was glad for, and before it could get any more awkward or he gave himself a stroke, he asked what he’d been trying to ask for days, but didn’t have the nerve to.

“So, what’s the plan for tonight?”

He tried to make it as nonchalant and casual as he could, as if he was just inquiring about the plans he knew they had indefinitely.

Even if the four of them were just going to walk around Henry’s property, or terrorize kids in the park, they always did something together. It wasn’t the sort of question that should have roused any suspicion.

Still, Vic couldn’t help but feel like his entire plot was unraveling at the seams and it was only a matter of time before the gang found out what he was doing and slaughtered him.

It wouldn't go over well. “Nothing, I gotta take care of some things for my pop, so you three girls are on your own” Henry shrugged, not offering any more explanation than that. Whatever it was, if Butch was involved, they knew not to press it.

Though, Victor already felt a little better knowing that Henry wouldn’t be skulking around, potentially finding the two of you in the woods.

Henry already had it out for you more than anyone else because of that time he asked you to see a movie with him and you said no. That rejection had really stuck a bur in his side, and it surely had something to do with his cruelty toward you now.

He wasn’t used to hearing no, after all.

Patrick and Belch had other plans too, it seemed, not really interested in hanging out with any of the others of them without Henry. If it wasn’t the whole gang, it was weird for them.

So, it seemed like Victor was in the clear.

All he had to do now was show you the time of your life and hope that you actually gave him a chance. A girl like you should have never even agreed to go out with him in the first place, so he wasn’t going to ruin it.

You deserved the best, and he was doing all he could to provide it.

~

Vic was sure he’d never been this nervous in his entire life.

Before now, he’d been so preoccupied worrying about the threat of the gang finding out what he was doing, or you changing your mind and rejecting him that he hadn’t given any thought at all to how this would feel.

Waiting for you to get here was going to kill him.

All Victor could think about was whether or not you were coming, or if something had happened to you on the way here. Maybe you decided that this wasn’t a good idea and were staying home, or worse, maybe you had another date.

Whatever it was, it was taking you way too long to get here and every second that passed by, he was sure you weren’t going to show.

You had stopped him in the hallway after the last bell rang, signalling the end of the day, and told him that you would meet him in the Quarry, because he didn’t drive, which didn’t seem like that big of a deal at first.

No good first date had even begun by walking awkwardly in silence through the woods, and it was smart to meet up for the more romantic parts of the evening. However, now that it was here, Vic had to wonder if it was all some clever ploy to leave him in the quarry alone.

It seemed cruel, but after everything he and the guys had done to you, it would be a lie to say that he didn’t deserve it.

He couldn’t have blamed you if you hated him.

Thankfully though, as the sun began creeping down and the air cooled that much more under the waterfront’s influence, you came walking up the path.

You had to admit that when he first suggested coming to the Quarry this late in the evening, you weren’t sure. It still seemed like this whole thing could be some joke, or something put on by Henry to humiliate you.

After all, Victor was the most unassuming of the four of them and if you were going to agree to go out with any of the Bower’s gang, it would have been him.

You just weren’t sure how to feel.

...but you were relieved to see Victor, right where he said he’d been, sitting on a beach towel or something.

It didn’t seem like a set up for a prank, but you weren’t fully convinced until you reached his side and saw the huge set up he’d spread out for you, right on the edge of the cliff.

You were far enough back to avoid falling off or dropping anything into the water below but close enough to see how pretty it was up here. You had never been here before, which had only solidified Victor’s plans to bring you.

The quarry was one of the only things in Derry that was worth seeing, and the fact that you’d lived here this long and still hadn’t come up here was blasphemous to him.

“Hey, I was getting worried you wouldn’t come” Vic called, the first to speak between the two of you. He did his best to play it off like a joke but it seemed like you knew how nervous he was.

Of course you did.

You were nervous to do this too.

Putting yourself out there wasn’t really something you did often or were good at, and you felt like you had taken a huge risk in agreeing to do this with him. However, as far as dates went, this really was worth the risk.

No one had ever gone through so much trouble just to impress you.

“You get stood up often?” you teased, sitting down on the spot across from him which you assumed was meant for you. It would have been sort of strange if he was waiting on someone else too.

It was a joke of course, but what you didn’t know was that he had. In general, Vic didn’t date too often just because he didn’t have a great history with this sort of thing.

He wasn’t exactly a ladies man after all.

“Sometimes” he shrugged, hoping that wouldn’t scare you off. It was much more honest than he was used to being, with anyone, but for some reason, you brought it out of him.

The two of you seemed to bring something different out of each other and as strange as it was for both of you, it was nice.

Victor, for one, felt like he could be who he was around you. It didn’t matter how vulnerable or goofy he wanted to be, there wasn’t going to be any awful consequences like there would be with the gang.

You didn’t seem to care if he wanted to be a geek.

“That’s okay. Me too” you shrugged, grabbing one of the cans of soda he offered you.

Your admission made him laugh, of course, because he assumed that you were joking, but after a few seconds of silence, he realized just how wrong he’d been.

You were completely serious, but that didn’t make any sense to him. You were beautiful and the fact that you had been stood up on a date didn’t compute for him.

Who in their right mind would have skipped out on a date with you? Victor certainly wouldn’t have, even considering how difficult you had made getting here for him.

“Well, for what it’s worth, I’m glad they were so stupid because now you’re here with me” he sighed, doing his best to keep from looking you in the face after saying something like that but you were happy he had.

That was one of the sweetest things anyone had ever said to you and as shocked as you were that he was the one saying it, you weren’t going to argue.

“I’m glad too. You’re surprisingly sweet, Vic” you allowed, taking a sip of your drink without much more between the two of you. This was hardly where you saw the evening going, but it was for the better.

Maybe he wasn’t so bad after all.

[werexcat]

His best friend ... ? That was surprising. He'd heard that word before once from a passing pair a few months ago that were just walking around the park late one night. He remembered those words--could hear it now, even, but that wasn't even important right now. They'd done everything together--were best friends--and now Butch was alone for whatever reason that woman had decided that she was going to leave Butch behind.

But ... it was so strange. It felt so strange in a way. Gabriel didn't know why he couldn't run from the feeling. Could being someone best friend hurt them this deeply? Butch didn't sound right. He--

The laugh confused him even more, but what was really shocking was the fact that water, tears--actual tears--were falling from Butch's eyes; his eyes looked even brighter, shinier because of it, but he looked so sad... sadder than he'd ever seen another people. It was then that an anger began to well up inside Gabriel as his mind began to flashback to happier times.

This wasn't right.

Butch wasn't supposed to be like this. He should be happy. He should be smiling. He should be acting all annoying and--a - and ... !!

What surfaced next in the forefront of his mind was a really weird moment in the bathroom--probably a private moment now that Gabriel was thinking about it. One guy was talking to another in a stall who was apparently crying in the bathroom over some GUY. Gabriel hadn't understood it, but the guy had been suffering from his heart breaking--or something like that--which couldn't have been true because hearts couldn't break.

But ... but maybe it had been true ... maybe that guy's heart was broken ... and ... maybe Butch's was too. They sure were crying pretty awfully...

Smothering the anger for now--really, he wanted to punch that woman in the face, whoever she was--he slowly, carefully made his way back towards the blonde. It ... hurt ... to see Butch like this, and he'd never felt that before. How was he really supposed to help ... ? His arms wrapped around Butch--not in lust, for once, but because he wanted to comfort him.

She'd broken him all up ... and his heart, too, that bitch.

"And when you do change, I won't go anywhere. No matter what you become, you'll still be the Butch I want to be around--the one I want to--to kiss and ... laugh with... and eat with a - and sit next to and ... !"

Gabriel was sure how it happened, but somehow, during his little speech, he'd started crumbling too. His own face was flushing hot, especially around the eyes and nose as the first set of tears began to prick his own eyes. Ah, shit, what the fuck... He wasn't supposed to be crying too!!

"Damnit Butch, don't be sad! It-- it hurts!!" God-fucking-damnit!!

Butch remains on the ground though he looks up when Gabriel stands suddenly, a little surprised… he almost thinks he’s going to walk away until he speaks up once more and stares in his direction.

What a question… why did he keep making excuses? And to follow it up, Gabriel seemed honed in the bit about the length of time they had known each other. It was small in comparison to all that time he had been trapped in that book now that he thinks about it…

Butch looks up at him from where he sits, feeling small and pathetic. “We were partners, Gabe… she was my best friend.” And that was the truth, though he leaves out the part about her being the first person he had ever loved. The feelings were unrequited anyway and besides, he had found that he had developed feelings for another (something he never expected to happen again). He just hadn’t the courage to say anything to him about it just yet for fear of a similar outcome.

“I dunno… it’s just…we did everythin’ together… we always had each others backs.” Butch feels betrayed at the mere thought that his long time companion would do something so evil intentionally. “S’hard t’believe someone who saved my life so many times would try to end it… I dunno.” He shakes his head, eyes cast downward. He can feel a lump developing in his throat but he’s fighting it—blinking back some tears threatening to escape him. This was his first time talking about it since it had happened and it was with Gabriel who, all things considered with their differing experiences, wasn’t doing too bad of a job listening.

“That… she’d knowin’ly let me…become one’a the monsters we used to fight against…and…” He continues, a forced laugh following his words just because he’s uncomfortable with the amount of grief he’s feeling at the moment. Tears fall and he wipes them away but when they don’t stop, he covers his flushed face instead, embarrassed to be crying in front of him of all people.

Still, words fall out of his mouth in sobs. “I-I’m stuck like this an’ there’s nothin’ I can do about it! I'm gonna keep changin’ til’ I ain’t even the same person anymore an’ I don’t even know how long I got—like this! An—a-and I don’t know what I did to deserve it!” He cries. So maybe it was her fault... he just wanted to know why. Why HIM.

[fierceawakening]

re this post

I'm thinking about one thing she says that struck me:

"when I was in the gender community and chanted TWAW under every post"

Which is interesting. It's meant to imply that you just sort of... learn that people think trans women are women by osmosis and shrug and go with it. The use of the word "chanting" suggests that it's a habit, a mindless thing one is just sort of expected to say without any thought behind it.

And... why would that be?

(fair warning, I'm going to talk about changing thoughts on sex and gender and about some older trans terminology that was the big thing when I first learned it, and some of this is stuff that has fallen out of favor, ostensibly because it can cause some people to feel dysphoric. Take care of yourselves, as I intend to say it anyway.)

Like, the one thing terfs are RIGHT about is that the vast majority of us are taught that male and female are sexes we are born with, that everybody is one or the other, and that we know what our gender is by knowing our sex, because our gender just is a set of social expectations that go with our sex. They can fluctuate over time, and especially do when feminism and antifeminism lash and backlash against one another over what is acceptable, but there never stops being a social expectation and you never stop knowing what it is, or that you didn't get to pick it because of your chromosomes and your penis or vagina.

If you're taught anything MORE nuanced than this it's usually "some people are born with unusual defects," and maybe if our family is VERY progressive there's a "and these people should get to pick a role for themselves, because they're a special case" in there.

But like... even I, who have been gender nonconforming all my life, learned that this was how it worked, and so when I started to have cross-gender thoughts they didn't pop into my brain as "am I a boy?" Obviously I couldn't be! You're born a boy or a girl, and you know which by what you look like naked! So my thoughts were, "was I SUPPOSED TO BE a boy?" As in, was there some reason I kept having these thoughts when the truth is something I didn't choose, in the same way I didn't choose my disability?

Which is why when I first met someone who called herself "a transsexual," I actually DID doubt whether she was making sense. I ddin't say this to her--she was a person talking to me about something she cared about--but the idea that I didn't wonder if it was REALLY possible for her to be a woman, given what I understood a woman to be, is just strange.

What happened wasn't some chanty parroting of a new gender paradigm I immediately took on to be nice. It was: what is this person telling me? Does it make sense? She seems nice, and I wouldn't have called her he if she hadn't just told me she used to be a boy. I don't think I'm gonna call her he--that seems mean, like I'm deciding she's wrong without getting to know what she did and why--but huh. Weird.

I don't know that I would have said "trans women are women" at this point. But I probably had the thought "this person is a little like me. Except she decided that if she SHOULD HAVE been a girl, why not TRY TO BECOME a girl? I mean now that she's pointed it out I can tell she was born male but I would have just thought she's tall and butch? Hm, does that mean I can become a boy? I decided no years ago because people said I would have INSISTED I already was a boy before, but... maybe that's not right. Why would I insist I was a boy if I knew what 'female' is and could see that I am that thing? That would seem not factual. But maybe 'I should've been' is... the same thing? Hmm."

So then I encountered "Male-to-Female" and "Female-to-Male," and THOSE made perfect sense to me. I'm female now, but I feel weird about it. Maybe I'd be happier if I became male! But that's a lot of changes to my body. Hmm, I don't know.

But it made sense... taking raw material you were given by chance and altering it so you'd be happier.

And that's kind of still how I feel. I get why people dislike "Trans women are male women and trans men are female men," but back in the day some people I met talked about themselves in exactly that way. The raw material can't be completely altered, but the result is not what one began with, and one can more easily shift social role if one looks the part. And likely hates one's body less.

So the question then becomes, does physical transition alter a human ENOUGH that they can be considered to now be a different sex? And THAT seems to me to just be a matter of consensus, and... you know, if someone tells me "I changed my hormone balance and am growing breasts. I don't consider myself male any more." I'm just going to go "great," because it's no actual skin off my back where that line is. Same if they say "I'm still male, but a woman" which most don't--it's just about where a line is, and I don't care about that line enough to decide.

So... yeah. The whole idea that this process led me to "it makes more sense to consider a trans woman a woman and a trans man a man than to assert that their social role is as unchangeable as their sex, especially when SOME ASPECTS OF sex ARE changeable too" by... rote parroting is weird.

There are some aspects of the way the trans community talks now that I don't get. Like people will say "I'm not FTM, I was always male" and this confuses me, because I never re-mapped what "male" means in my head--it's the raw material. If you don't need to alter that, how are you trans? Like, you can just change your social role without changing your body if you want, but then my brain considers you "female man." I'm not going to SAY this in front of you because it sounds like I might mean it as an insult, but I'm technically going to think it. Unaltered sex, new gender role.

But, again... that ALSO supports the idea that I'm thinking for myself. OTher people's self-conception and terminology changed based on what they felt worked for them; mine didn't because, again, I think it sounds counterfactual and get uncomfortable.

So... yeah, the idea that most of us are just... copying things people are saying, rather than meeting someone we know and like and then questioning the boundaries of a simple story for kids assumed to all be cis, is BAFFLING to me.

[trsilvers]

What is your favourite quote for each Team Rocket character?

Good question. This took me a hot minute but was really fun to think about.

Jessie - “Thank badness we’re alive!!!” I actually don’t remember which episode this is from, I tried to google it, but I specifically remember it because I used to quote it all the time. I just thought the idea that villains would actually say “thank badness” was hilarious.

James - Zero is a gross exaggeration, we are at least two to three percent worthwhile! (Talkin’ Bout an Evolution) James has like a million great quotes but I always loved this one. You have to appreciate his candid self-awareness 😂 A lot of my favorite Jessie and James moments are where they happily admit they are failures but remain totally undeterred. Also - literally ANYTHING he says in the Flaming Moltres episode 😂

Meowth - “Maybe if we started lookin at what’s the same instead of what’s different…well, who knows?” This is part of his little monologue in the first movie when he’s talking to the clone Meowth, I always loved this quote. I mean, what a great sentiment, delivered in a touching way that only Meowth could do.

Cassidy - “Oh I’m still shaking like a leaf officer thank goodness you were here to stop them before they hurt the Pokémon ~ oh!” (The Breeding Center Secret) Butch and Cassidy have a lot of great quotes, especially from chronicles where they started getting played for laughs, but I really love this one because it highlights Cassidy’s ability to turn on and off this fake persona she’s created totally effortlessly. The delivery of this line is just 10/10. No other episode has really showcased her ability to do that as well as their first appearance, but I always loved that about her. She deserves an award for that performance lmao 😂😂

Butch - “I am, but I like dry socks.” (Showdown at the Oak Corral) I’m sorry, there are also a lot of better Butch quotes than this but I have to pick this one because it made me laugh like no other. The man likes dry socks, ok? 😂 Also I think I just like it because it’s a little glimpse into Butch as a person, he seems like he can be a little particular about stuff.

Domino - “I’m like a totally off the hook fan of yours! I wanna be just like you when I get old!” (Mewtwo Returns) Domino, like Cassidy, has the ability to adopt a fake persona and do a REALLY good job at pretending she’s somebody she’s not. I love her ditzy voice she uses when she’s undercover, but this quote in particular because even when she’s trying to be cute and sweet, this was a pretty backhanded compliment to throw at that doctor. (I forget her name, but she wasn’t even old 😂) It was pretty funny.

Wendy - “Revenge is sweet, my dear Jessie.” (Dues and Don’ts) I mean, you have to love a good long grudge. The fact that Team Rocket even has an HR department is hilarious on its own, but the fact that it seems to be led by a woman who held onto a personal vendetta against a fellow employee for YEARS, all because of a fruit smoothie, is even better.

Attila - “I used to collect them, they’re very sweet creatures.” (Legend of Thunder) I’m pretty sure this is a dub only fact about Attila, but I absolutely love the way they dubbed Attila and the idea of someone like him with a soft spot for Caterpie is just…I love it 😂 Seriously though Attila has a whole score of cheesy dialogue, and I love almost every single thing he says. Yippie Yi Yay 😂

Hun- “You don’t get to run the world by being fair; you get to run the world by being nasty!” (Legend of Thunder) Hun…who hurt you? 😂😂😂 Do you need a hug? This was tough because there are multiple times in LoT that Hun has to try and keep Attila on task, which I love, but I picked this quote as my fav because I like that little glimpse into Hun’s sinister personal ideals.

Tyson - “You look a little…tied up! BAHAHAHAHAJSJFGSHKJAFLSNWSA” (Talkin Bout an Evolution) I’m sorry, I love bad puns, and that exaggerated laugh he does at the end, I love it so much 😂😂😂 There are lots of bad puns in the Pokémon anime, but this one…it’s the laughing at his own joke for me 🤣 And the fact that none of the grunts with him are laughing at all, dub or original. You can tell this is a frequent occurrence and they’re just over it. 😂😂😂

Pierce - “Then we’ll just have to see how good you are. *laugh*” - this might seem like a weird quote, but I picked it solely because of that little laugh he does at the end. Pierce unfortunately didn’t get that much screen time, so he’s not super quotable :( Which is a shame because he really, REALLY has a nice voice. It might actually be my second or third favorite, behind Sebastian and *maybe* Attila (only because I think it suits him so well)

Professor Namba - (singing) “Rage, rage, bring out your raaaaage!” (One of the Lugia episodes, I forget which one) 11/10 beautiful vocals, clearly should have been a singer and not a scientist. Seriously though the fact that Namba can be in the midst of such a cruel experiment and stand there and sing a song about it really highlights his insanity and I love it.

Dr Zager - “CURSES!!” (I forget the episode title, I’m so sorry) Again, someone who sadly didn’t get that much screen time, BUT we do at least have this quote. He’s overall a pretty serious character and doesn’t have any especially memorable lines…except this one. 😂 I love it. Very old-fashioned villain, Old Man Yells At Cloud energy here 😂😂😂

Professor Sebastian - “If you’ll kindly follow me, I believe you’ll find this…electrifying.” (Legend of Thunder) this is REALLY hard because I love everything he says, but once again my appreciation for bad puns wins out in the end. Also the confirmation that Sebastian does have a sense of humor, however bad, makes me very happy. 😂 Would watch an entire episode of Sebastian and Tyson making terrible puns. No, actually, an entire feature length film.

Giovanni - “I haven’t had any repairs done to those old blimps for decades. They’re completely unfit to fly. About the only thing I have maintained on those blimps are their insurance policies.” (A Scare in the Air) this is not only my favorite Gio quote but one of my favorite moments in the entire anime because it’s so dark. I even posted about it recently. Giovanni actually tries to have three of his employees killed and profit off of their deaths via insurance fraud. AND HE DOES IT IN SUCH A CAVALIER WAY YOU KNOW IT’S NOT HIS FIRST TIME DOING IT. Also you really have to just appreciate the confirmation that insurance - an evil greater than Team Rocket- exists in the Pokémon world.

(I’m sorry if some of these quotes are not exact word for word, I tried to google to confirm I’m remembering it correctly, but it’s not as easy to find some of these as you might think 😂)

[megan-is-mia]

(Yandere! Vil Schoenheit x Peahen! S/o) (Oh Vil my beloved pretty man, how you make my heart go doki-doki! Anyways heads up that the Y/n in this fic is butch, so she looks more like a male peafowl with bright and long feathers than a female peafowl with shorter, duller feathers) 

“Love, your eyes are wandering again” Vil said, nudging (Y/n)’s leg with his foot as the peafowl-beastwoman stared out the window of his bedroom. His patience with the peahen-girl was running short as she continued to ignore and disregard his words to her. Why did she insist on being so unpleasant when he was only trying to be pleasant towards her? He blamed his own appreciation of beauty for making him so tolerant of her blatant disrespect of him. (Y/n) wasn’t like most peafowl-beastwomen, she presented rather masculinity with long elegant feathers making up her tail and dragged so beautifully behind her when she walked. She also held herself with a stubborn dignity that made it clear she was proud of the way she looked even if it was unconventional and unusual. With those factors in mind how could he have not fallen head over heels for her? Why there was no reason he could see in resisting her innate magnetism. Which is why he saw nothing wrong in kidnapping the peahen-girl and bringing her back to his dorm to be his girlfriend. Everything was going smoothly except for one thing, (Y/n) was proving to be as stubborn as a mule. She refused to even try and see things his way, instead insisting that he let her go right now or she’d escape then press charges against him just for good measure. Of  course Vil couldn’t, wouldn’t let that happen so he made sure to keep his darling compliant with sedatives in all her meals. The sedatives were only a temporary solution, something to keep (Y/n) from doing anything stupid while Vil put the finishing details on his permanent solution to keep the peafowl-beastwoman by his side, permanently by his side that is. He’d had the final solution ready for a few days now but hadn’t used it yet, wanting to wait for the right moment for maximum effect. Today however that moment had finally come…  What made today the right one for his scheme? Well it was his birthday of course. There was no way that the peahen-girl would be cruel enough to refuse him a humble request on today of all days. However Vil still needed to proceed with caution, (Y/n) was smarter than she looked and if he messed up now by showing his hand too quickly he might never get a second opportunity for his plan to come to fruition. Giving up on his efforts to get her to look at him, he carefully picked up a slice of cake, stabbed it with a fork and offered a bite of it to his dear darling. “Come on Love, just one bite? Can’t you give me just this one thing and take a bite of this cake?” Vil crooned poking the corner of (Y/n)’s mouth with the fork. The peafowl-beastwoman glared at the bite of cake like it had personally offended her and did nothing else for a long moment before reluctantly opening her mouth so the bit of cake could go in and she’d have to chew on it before swallowing. She had to admit it was pretty good and she did not fight being feed another two, three, four bites of cake. However as the last bite went down her stomach started to feel weird and her insides started to heat up like she’d been standing out in the sun. (Y/n) looked up at Vil with a questioning look that he answered with a knowing smirk. Of course he’d poisoned her, the drama queen. Couldn’t settle for plain old murder like a normal person. However… it didn’t feel like she was dying, she wasn't feeling any pain. She just felt unusually hot, and for some reason she couldn't stop looking at the blonde sitting beside her. “What do you think Love? Did my love potion cake taste good?” Vil said, still smirking as the peahen-girl’s eyes widened with alarm. “Don’t worry the love potion wont turn you dumb with love for me. It’ll just make you absolutely miserable when we’re apart. After all, absence makes the heart fonder does it not? So this will help you learn to love me naturally and when you do, i’ll give you an antidote to the potion” Vil finished his explanation by pecking (Y/n)’s forehead affectionately. “And when i do, you’ll thank me for what i’ve done...” THE END

[friendofhayley]

I’m back after my hiatus from fanfiction, to give y’all the best multifandom recs of the fics I read this month. Shoutout to all content creators who helped us live to see the close of this year. This fic includes 15 fics for Sterek, Larry, Winteriron, and Geraskier. The starred ones put me through heaven and hell *chef’s kiss*.

Sterek (Teen Wolf)

1. Six Letter Word for Romance by @troubleiwant | domestic kink - omg there’s only one bed - soft Derek - oblivious idiots in love - 6k

Stiles definitely starts off thinking it’s fucking hilarious that Derek-sourwolf-Hale does crosswords and cares about scuffs on his furniture.

But at a certain point, and he can’t pinpoint exactly when, “fully functional adult couple” somehow becomes a massive fetish of his. Derek in sweats and bare feet, nudging his glasses up his nose while he does the Sunday crossword? Unff. Derek filling out forms to get some renovations on his property approved? Oh God, yes. Derek putting away groceries and bitching that the corner store was out of the right type of Greek yogurt? Take me now, Stiles thinks, worrying at his lower lip with his teeth.

This can’t be normal.

2. *Dirty Little Secret* by @isthatbloodonhisshirt | Cora & Stiles bffs - no one can resist the Stilinski charm - celebrity Derek - human au - 91k

“Holy shit, this is a date!” he blurted out, turning back to Derek wide-eyed. “This is a date! You intended for this to be a date, this was supposed to be a date!” He figured if he said it enough times, maybe he would believe it, but so far, no dice.

Derek was scowling again—seriously, did he want wrinkles?—but he just reached into one of the bags and pulled out a burger, checking what was written on the foil in sharpie before handing it over to Stiles.

“Of course it’s a date, what did you think this was?”

3. Can You Feel A Whole New Part of Your World? by @isthatbloodonhisshirt | i genuinely don’t look at authors names i just click i am sorry for spamming you but you write too good - neighbors Sterek - emotionally mature Stiles - the ideal fluffy world you’d want to live in - 53k

Can you hear me singing in the shower?” Stiles blurted out, because he had to know, now. If one of his neighbours had slid that note under his door, then it meant Parrish as another neighbour could hear him, too! He had to know if this was all a huge joke and one person had walked by and overheard him and decided to fuck with him.

Parrish gave him a weird look at the question, but answered anyway, making Stiles’ plans to leave the country speed up in his mind.

“Of course I can. You’re actually not bad. Though you have been singing a lot of Frozen lately, getting kind of tired of the soundtrack.”

4. Theory of Overprotective Canines by @petals42 | derek can turn into wolf - oblivious Stiles - future fic - mutual pining - 11k

Stiles is totally looking forward to living alone in his super cool apartment off-campus. He is. He is also very excited to bike to school every day, ready to set up an awesome game room, and definitely over his crush on Derek Hale. Completely over it.

Or at least he is until Derek decides he's moving in with him. And then turns out to be the perfect roommate. And then starts attending all his classes. As a wolf.

This is not going according to plan.

Larry (One Direction)

5. **The Changer and the Changed** by @homosociallyyours | literally the best fic of all time i want to live in there - girl direction - NYC ‘70s au - trans Zayn - the girls are so lovely - 59k

It’s the spring of 1977 and Harry Styles has just moved to New York City after graduating college. She knows she’s a lesbian. She just needs to figure out how to meet other lesbians.

Louis Tomlinson works at a popular women’s bookstore in the Lower East Side, Womon’s Direction, where she spends her days reading feminist literature, writing poetry, exchanging friendly barbs with her boss Niall, and dreaming of finding someone to love.

When Harry and Louis meet, their connection is instantaneous. Slowly but surely, Louis welcomes Harry into her community of women. Stonewall veteran and old school butch Niall; Liam, a land dyke who’s moved to the city for love; and Zayn, a lesbian musician who’s been ostracized by a vocal part of women’s community for being trans, welcome Harry with open arms, ready to help her find her place in New York City’s bustling lesbian scene.

6. others i’ve seen might never be mean (but they would never do) by @cherrylouvol6 | aaaaaaaa it’s lesbian When Harry Met Sally !!! - rom com - girl direction - coming out and first times - really great sex - 20k

Louis sighs.

“Do you remember what I said to you the first time we met?”

“That I’m naive and neurotic and would be hard pressed to ever find someone who could put up with me?” Harry snaps.

7. some things fade (some never do) by @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed | aaaaaa this story took me apart and back together again just like Louis and Harry - urban fantasy au - second chances - exes to friends to lovers - hurt/comfort - 25k

Matching tattoos. He’d never thought he’d be the type for tattoos to begin with, let alone matching or magical ones, but once Harry had put the idea in his mind it had never quite managed to disappear. And it had made sense. With their relationship a long distance one, this was simply another way of feeling close to one another. Of knowing where the other was, how they felt. It had made so much sense.

Back then.

8. we can take the long way home by @eleadore | i usually don’t rec my porn but there’s so much feels in this one - canon-divergent - kink discovery - friends to lovers - this was written in 2015 as a future fic but it felt like it was taking place now so good job - 27k

“Fertile,” Louis says, and then laughs because it sounds stupid to say out loud. He hasn’t ever really thought of himself in those terms. Baby-making terms. It’s just one of those things his body can do, like exercise, or go without tea. Doesn’t mean he will.

Winteriron (MCU)

9. **Dig No Graves** by @missaphelion | Tony finds out about his parents right after winter soldier au - Tony Stark has a heart - Bucky heals with bots and lots of sugar - slow burn - 142k

"I'm here to kill you, Terminator," Tony said slowly, "does that compute?"

The soldier looked up at him with wide blue eyes and no expression. "Okay."

Tony froze. "Okay," he echoed. "I tell you I came here to kill you and your response is 'okay'?"

10. A Rifling Matter by Penndragon27 | Winter Soldier has such a big crush on Tony’s weapons, he escapes Hydra au - identity porn - pining Bucky - fluff and angst - Winter Soldier is a fanboy and it’s cute - 37k

All the Asset knows is fighting, killing.

He also knows a good weapon when he sees one and Stark Industries... they make some great weapons.

11. *Winter is Coming (aka Fifty First Avengers Dates)* by @tisfan & @everyworldneedslove | enemies to friends to lovers to 50 first dates - pining Bucky - Tony gets amnesia - no Steve bashing but he’s a little bit of an ass - mental health issues - 109k

Bucky Barnes is still mostly The Asset, and he's pretty sure Hydra is going to come back for him soon, so in the meantime he's just going to keep an eye on the Avengers for them. But then Clint spotted him hiding in the shadows, so Tony came out and dragged Bucky back to the Tower, threw him in the shower, and fed him cheeseburgers.

Now The Asset is having anomalous feelings. In his pants.

Geraskier (The Witcher)

12. *no reason to run* by @yoursummerfrost | different meeting au - only one bed but camping - cursed Jaskier - soft Geralt!!!! - poly negotiations - 61k

"You'll change your mind one day," says the innkeep. "The road can't love you back."

What a strange way to flatten something so beautiful, Jaskier thinks. What a small way to love.

13. *He Fell into a Faerie Ring* by @geraltnoises | Jaskier gets bardnapped after the fight au - non-human Jaskier - soft Geralt - Jaskier encourages people to be kind and becomes a god - emotionally mature Geralt - 57k

Traders are a gossiping sort. If there was a scandal within the noble houses of Posada, you’d hear about it in Cretegor by the end of the week. So, the quick spread of a rumor about a little village in the Kestrel Mountain range was not at all surprising. What was surprising was the story that the traders wove. They said that Luibhtorrach, a sad, ghost of a farming town, had miraculously become a hub for trade, as if overnight. Their lands unbelievably fertile and brimming with crop. Even stranger, each and every one of Luibhtorrach’s people professed that their good fortune was the work of a mysterious beast they’d claimed as their personal deity. Most recent news foretold of their plans to throw a midsummer festival celebrating this newfound god. In preparation, silken blue banners were erected in every corner of the town, each bearing the symbol of their new patron: A delicate dandelion wrapping around a golden sun.

14. Barking Up the Wrong Tree by KHansen | 5+1 things - I’m worried about Geralt’s skills - non-human Jaskier - monsterfucker Geralt - crack treated seriously - 11k

Geralt is 100% certain that Jaskier is a vampire.

He's 100% proven wrong.

15. Bardic Idyll by Lisztful | fake relationship - Geralt is soft and oblivious - pining - fluff and angst - Jaskier you can’t show your emotions mainly through song! - 13k

Jaskier is certain he can win the Continent's annual bardic competition, but he needs to be accompanied by a dashing romantic companion in order to enter. Enter Geralt, who is definitely, for sure, only interested in the free food, and not at all in staring lovingly into Jaskier's eyes.

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

[mrsluthordanvers]

This may seem like a really random question but has writing and reading femslash helped you come into your sexual and/or gender identities? I've been in the Supergirl fandom and other primarily f/f fandoms for quite some time and this is something that I've been wondering about recently.

Yes!!

This got really long, and really rambly, and probably tells more about my experience with fandom then you needed to know to answer this question. But here it is lol

I grew up in a relatively conservative and catholic family with limited access to media both bc of this and bc my family was low income. I remember as a little kid we only had a couple channels and when we did get cable when I was older, my parents would stop pay for it during summer months because they wanted us to go outside.

The only gay media I remember ever seeing growing up in my parents house was Imagine Me & You. I caught it once on TV and I have vivid memories of realizing what I was watching and sitting on the edge of the couch paranoid that my parents would come downstairs and catch me watching it. I remember setting up the remote so that when I hit the quick back button it would take me back to some cartoon channel. And glee. Which I was surprisingly actually allowed to watch. I was always waiting for it to get turned off but it never was.

Both my parents were very big on encouraging reading. When we asked for books, it was almost the only time I don’t remember being told no. I remember I spent tons of time in libraries as a kid and it was one of the only places I was allowed to go after school by myself when I was in junior high. And I loved to write, my mom was always asking her to tell me stories and I was always writing in journals.

Basically what I’m saying is that I really did Not have exposure to the gay community. And looking back it seems really natural that I started reading and writing femslash.

It took me a long time to get into though, and to seek out. Instead I was sneaking Nora Roberts books out of the library at grade 7 because they had sex in them. Sex, I thought, that was safe/healthy/whatever because these were the books my sister was reading. Plus my mom said they were too mature for me, and what’s a better motivator then being told no. I didn’t find famslash until very late into high school bc it never even occur to me that I could be reading cheesy romances that were f/f instead.

My first experience actually reading femslash was Rizzles fics on ff.net. I honestly have no idea how I found it bc at the time I couldn’t have told you what fandom was, or that tumblr existed. The only thing I remember knowing about fanfic was that if you said you read fanfic people assumed you were reading about weird sex about characters and would laugh at you. Honestly I might have only found fanfics bc glee was really big at the same time and I was probably hearing people talk about ships and fanfic even if I don’t remember it now. Either way I found it lol. And I read A Lot of rizzoli and isles fics.

And it helped. Towards the end of high school was when it really started to dawn on me that I might like girls and I didn’t have words for it, I didn’t know there was a community, and there certainly wasn’t people I was willing to ask.

Reading femslash was like opening a door. Suddenly I was being introduced to the same kind of cheesy romance writing I was already reading. I was being introduced to the idea of two women going on dates. Having healthy relationships. Having unhealthy relationships. Soft sex. Rough sex. Falling in love. Getting married. Having kids. And it really started to solidify that I liked women.

Up until that point the idea of being gay scared the fuck out of me bc what I knew was so limited, to me being gay = being alone. It meant I wasn’t allowed to have any of those things and I really resisted that.

Reading femslash was a big part of changing that perspective. It made me comfortable enough to tell a girl at 19 I had a crush on her. It helped me feel like it was okay to tell people I wasn’t straight when I went to university. It prompted me to search out more gay media when I went to university. I started to watch glee again. I watched DEBS, and Imagine Me and You, and Saving Face, and Gray Matters, and Bloomington, and Kissing Jessica Stein, and Loving Annabelle. Basically I went through the LGBT section of Netflix in a year. 

A friend introduced me to tumblr and told me there was a big gay community. I followed some cool people and aesthetic blogs but honestly I still wasn’t quite finding it.

Then I watched The 100 while it was in season 2 in my last year of university. Completely unaware of Clarke and Lexa. I became obsessed lol. They kissed on screen and it was like a switch went off. I don’t know why it was that show instead of anything else I had been watching that spurred me on. But it did. I started looking up accounts on tumblr and following people and reading so so so much fanfic. I had started to find that vast community on tumblr my friend mentioned and started sending people asks and saw people actually answering asks, and posting their art and their writing. It encouraged me to try writing again, and ask a couple people if they would read stuff I posted.

And then supergirl came out and I was soooo excited for it that I started to try mimicking accounts I saw in the clexa fandom. I figured out how to make gifsets, and I liveblogged, and my friend told me to make a side fandom blog or she’d unfollow me lmao. Which I also didn’t know people did. I started this blog just before season 2 happened and it made for the perfect storm. I already had a small following, I was making content (even if it wasn’t great), and Lena got introduced. And suddenly I REALLY discovered how vast the gay community is bc it was suddenly knocking at my door. It was also a big BIG learning curve.

I was reading people’s fanfics and looking at their fanart. I was seeing depictions of different sexualities. And how two characters can be interpreted in such vastly different ways. I was being shown perspectives I hadn’t seen before, some that made me stop and go. Oh. It helped me identify my first label, and then also taught me labels can change, and mine did. I wasn’t just reading fics about two women in a relationship, I was opening fics and seeing me. I saw a piece of fanart of Butch Kara and thought, she looks like me. And then I started to see people writing about butch Kara and commenting about butch Kara and it wasn’t just, she looks like me. It became she looks like me, and that is desirable. And that gave me confidence. I stopped shaving, my wardrobe has started to change, I started buying things I wanted to wear not that I thought I should wear. I learned I wanted people to see me and think I was handsome or attractive before they thought I pretty or cute lol

Writing femslash has a different kind of self reflection. I like to think I have started to notice when I project things on to characters, and think about why those things are important to me. Or why I get defensive over certain headcanons. All things that have made me step back and look at my own sexuality and gender identity. Which honestly I’m still figuring out and is still changing, but I’ve learned that’s okay too (fanfic has also normalized that for me lol)

Art is meant to make you feel things, think about things. I don’t think fanfic or fanart is any different. Sometimes it is just meant to make you feel you horny and sometimes it makes you reflect on whether or not you might be butch. Personally I think it’s very cool that it’s so powerful

[river-witchery]

I posted 998 times in 2022

That's 142 more posts than 2021!

201 posts created (20%)

797 posts reblogged (80%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@river-witchery

@cephalopodvictorious

@slavicafire

@cipheramnesia

@borinquenaqueer

I tagged 407 of my posts in 2022

#riverwitch - 61 posts

#witchcraft - 29 posts

#for the group chat - 24 posts

#magic - 19 posts

#witch - 19 posts

#freyja the cat - 9 posts

#selfie - 7 posts

#yeah - 7 posts

#divination - 6 posts

#ask game - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 92 characters

#i don't necessarily think this is the fault of the people who are writing these posts either

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Me after lighting one (1) candle-

41 notes - Posted January 29, 2022

#4

"With each pin that falls, bring with it those who allow [this suffering] to happen."

In Remembrance To All Those Who Have Suffered The Pains Of War & Imperialism; Excerpt from my Grimoire.

41 notes - Posted April 19, 2022

#3

The amount of people who nonchalantly decide to regularly eat foods that they are allergic/intolerant to, stresses me out.

Like hun, your "mild" allergy to that fruit you like could very easily to into an anaphylactic reaction and have you dead.

That food you're intolerant to that fucks up your stomach every time you eat it, that you still decide to eat every day, is raising your risk for digestive cancers and malnutrition issues so much.

Like, if you know this and decide to keep doing it, more power to you. You make your own decisions my friend. But please... make informed ones.

77 notes - Posted May 13, 2022

#2

I wish more people would grapple with the idea that you can be scared of something without hating it. You can be scared of wasps without hating them. You can be scared of spiders without hating them. Just like you can be scared of drowning without hating the ocean.

131 notes - Posted May 30, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I've known I that I'm nonbinary for a while. Started figuring that out in college, which feels like a lifetime ago. I hadn't known my entire life, but that was more of a pebble than a pothole on my road to self-discovery. I went through a moment of "am I trans enough to call myself trans?" What a funny thought, looking back on it.

Coming to terms with being transmasc though? That was an entirely different thing. My gender felt weird. It felt queer. But masculine? No. I had no connection with masculinity. I felt just as uncomfortable with masculinity as I did femininity.

Or so I told myself—and others occassionally, when I wanted to emphasize my gender's queerness, its otherness, its void-like ambiguity; when I wanted to make sure they didn't just swap out one half of the binary for the other.

Looking back, I can tell something wasn't sitting right, something was nagging at the peripheral of my self-understanding. I remember finding a lot of comfort in butchness at this time. I am so thankful for butches for that safety in exploration, and the gentle nudging into queer masculinity.

But it wasn't really until dear friend of mine, new to my nonbinary-ness, began swapping the more feminine-coded compliments and titles for distinctly masculine ones—it wasn't really until then that my transmasculinity took root to blossom in me.

And you can spare me the essay; I can read my own words. "I wanted to make sure they didn't just swap out one half of the binary for the other." Hear me when I say that I could feel it in my soul that they did not do that. I could tell—and I know I am not the only one who can—when "handsome" was said queerly.

It is not a coincidence that I only give my full set of pronouns to those who I can trust to see the queerness in "he/him." I withhold those for my own safety, though in the process, I feel like I am withholding part of myself. Because the euphoria I get when I can be nonbinary, genderqueer, transmasculine, is like no other I have felt before.

182 notes - Posted August 30, 2022

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