#but you cannot honestly tell me that anyone has enough financial interest in that thing to actually sue anyone

[ineffably-splendid]

I live for the day when the shitscript will resurface once again from the deepest pits of hell for a tiny window of reading opportunity. Until Neil Gaiman once again tells everyone to delete it and the cycle begins anew.

[vidalinav]

Firstly, no one wants a therapy book. These are books about Faeries. So no one is sitting wanting to read about withdrawals, puking, crying and screaming. Maybe a very SMALL contingent of readers. Not the majority. Nesta falling down the stairs, Nesta refusing to train, Nesta giving attitude to Cassian, that's it. That's the withdrawals. Since she is not a full blown alcoholic or a sex addict, there wouldn't be massive withdrawals. She is not Amy Winehouse.

Secondly, the intervention is done exactly for that reason--so she doesn't turn into Amy Winehouse. It's not 'implied' that she is having potentially dangerous sex with people who could hurt her. It's a fact. She says it herself. It's not 'implied' that she drinks too much. She says it herself. It's observed. The concern isn't that she is doing those things--no one is looking for her to become a sweet, celibate virgin. The concern is that she is doing these things TOO much. That's how you become an addict.

People in power, on whom she depends decided to step in and put an end to it. That's how interventions work. Especially since she decided to be completely dependent on them financially. If she had a job, then yes, no one can tell her what to do. You make your own bed and decisions, and that's what she did.

The whole 'sisterly' involvement--she was the person who cut everyone out. She cut out Feyre, then Elain, Cassian, Amren. It was her decision. What are they going to do? Did Elain not try to get involved in her life? Did she not invite her to Solstice? Elain was the only person who gave her a gift. Was it Elain or Nesta who decided that they didn't the other? As I recall, Nesta didn't acknowledge Elain on the street. She refused to participate. So should the sisters just take it? Accept the bullshit and keep the checks coming? Should Feyre and Elain just sit back and watch Nesta spiral out of control until she does become an addict and/or gets raped? or hurt? Yes, there comes a time when you are just fed up and Elain, or Feyre, are not obligated to coddle Nesta and let get do whatever it is that she wants to do, and watch her hurt herself.

I am aware of your opinions and you will never agree and I know you'll still insist that the IC is horrible and the sisters don't care. But honestly, they saved Nesta so there is that.

I sometimes don't know whether I should just delete these, because someone always write a whole ass aggressive post in the anons when you know you could just post it yourself. But sometimes I get a lot of joy out of these-- I wish you put this much energy in analyzing the actual text but alas.

Anyway, let me read.

Point 1: this is not a therapy book. I agree S/JM should stop writing about trauma.

Point 2: The intervention is done for exactly that reason--I argue that you don't know the reason and neither do I, and nor do I feel that S/JM does. You can definitely argue about addiction and where it leads, but I can argue that the text doesn't support that she has one or one that warrants an intervention beyond offering a support system, which then I ask why the intervention is there at all, since I know very well that characters do not have autonomy and this was an author's choice. I question S/JM's narrative decisions and how they are framed in the novel which is why I cannot support specific claims about characters.

Point 3: I already talked about this in a reblog. So I'm going to dismiss this one.

Point 4: If the intention on behalf of the writer is to show that they care, then... I got to see scenes where they care. It can't be speculation. It has to be concrete. If the goal is to show realism, then you have to show realistic consequences of trauma, the dirt of it all, and then also the push and pull of healing which arguably is not in here. You can show people being annoyed by her trauma, that's realistic but it's not realistic for someone to jump into an intervention. You know realistically, as in of this world, you cannot force anyone to be in a program without their consent, and they can leave at any time. Of course there are certain instances where this is not true, but it takes years to get people the healing or help for addiction/trauma that they need and if people don't want to heal well you can't do nothing about it. That's realistic.

If you are arguing that Nesta is rolling down a steep hill to nowheresville as it seems then... by all means it probably should take more than giving a gift at solstice, which doesn't make Elain nor Feyre look good that this is the height of trying. To go straight to intervention without convincing evidence that it's needed nor that they tried literally anything else is my point. So if the goal was to make the foundation for a sisterly relationship, I am not convinced. If the goal was to show they care, I am certainly not convinced.

The objective of any book is to convince the reader of something. If you did not convince a bulk of the readership, whether that be anti-Nesta's who are not quelled or pro-Nesta's who are not satisfied, then the writer did not convince well enough. Which is what I am saying specifically about the benevolence of the IC. That claim lacks contextual evidence. It is not about whether I like them or not. Who cares about that? I like interesting characters, I am arguing that if the author herself wanted me to believe they were "good" or morally righteous, she did not provide that basis. Actually she gave me a lot of evidence that they aren't. Which is fine, if it amounts to something. If doesn't then, S/JM wrote an unconvincing book.

Point 5: The book says that Nesta saved the IC, literally. The IC did not save Nesta, neither literally nor emotionally. That would mean they were directly involved or... empathetic and supportive, which I already said I'm not convinced and why that is. What saved Nesta and what made the majority of the book was the House, her friends, a goal, the Mother, and a romantic relationship. A support system. I can argue that. Anyone can argue that. For one, because the IC is notably absent for most of the book and when they're there they don't look great. Then you have to think why did S/JM make a relationship that is supportive and have that parallel the presence/absence of the IC who is blatantly not? Doesn't make them look great again. Interesting yes they are, but not benevolent.

~

Look, I'm assuming the point of sending me an anon is because you don't agree and you don't know what to do with that, but you also don't want to reblog and you want to make sure I see this post, because I probably wouldn't. It is totally within your right to argue. I love discussions even with people who do not agree with me. But I want to discuss things. So, give me contextual evidence. Give me lines, give me connections. Connect them dots. Once you have done this then hit me up and we'll discuss. Right now your argument is based on opinion alone. You think this. You think that. Purely speculative. It's not based on anything and therefore can't be argued well. For lack of a better way to say this, I don't care about your opinion. Opinions are not fact. They don't mean anything, they're as good as the people behind them. I want to discuss the text and how it works, and what it does, and how it's supported. The consequences of certain narrative decisions.

So, if you think the IC is supportive and justified and want to tell me specifically, show me how they are--by the book, how scenes are framed, what actions characters take along the path to the end. Not by what you know interventions are or because the idea of mental health/substance abuse issues is generally hard to deal with--that's not good enough. You cannot argue the text without using the text either in quote or paraphrasing or giving examples especially on a post where I am talking about the evidence and the lack of it. You said I wouldn't change my mind, you don't know that. I can certainly see something from your pov, but you have to do more than this.

You chose to leave an anon, so you either do the homework or you don't leave an anon with me.

[legionofpotatoes]

I love your art, it is very detailed in a neat way. Was wondering how you got started making it as a source of income? How did you get your first paid work, I'd love some advice on how to get started, if that's ok

Thank you. Of course it's okay, although I doubt I have enough work experience in art to really delve into this. I only went full freelance this year, and had been juggling art as a side hobby until then. If you're still interested in my somewhat narrow perspective, and are okay with my long-winded rambles, I'll give it a shot:

So to answer your question fully, I'll describe how I started and move into personal advice and learnings later on. As a disclaimer, I am a white cishet dude in my late twenties with a moderate cocktail of mental illnesses, but overall I can pass for a functioning adult so a lot I have to say may come laced with privilege I cannot fully identify.

So uhh I began drawing in around 2012? I think? Maybe halfway through 2011? And I mostly made fanart for things I enjoyed and tried to branch out in communities that felt nourishing to my style and interests (I caught a bug for alt posters and enjoyed mainstream movies so I spent a long time on posterspy early on). There were a handful of opportunities that came from there but I could only accept a couple because of primary workplace commitments. Still, it showed that networking in a focused community was definitely a good place to start; I myself have huge trouble committing to social networks and really staying socially active, but I knew it was an essential ingredient in succeeding so I tried to make myself be involved in challenges and art support trains etc. as much as I could.

In parallel to all that I also ran a few third party online stores (redbubble, teepublic) for disposable income and would sometimes, if rarely, hit around $100-150 a month from those sources combined. It is a sort of thing that requires helper accounts on other social media sites to promote it on, because the stores themselves have a huge volume of content that translates into low organic discoverability. Obviously it was never gonna be the way towards financial independence through art, and with community projects being few and far between, I opened private commissions in around uhhh 2017 I think, focusing on offering a few styles I knew I could do well, and sometimes operating in individual fandoms (it was mostly a bioware thing to be frank). But I had to close them back down after a year or so, again because of work-life conflict and how badly it was burning me out. The reason I kept trying to monetize this hobby is because I honestly hated what I did for my main job and wanted to see a way out in some shape or form in the future.

And then in 2020 I had to quit my main job altogether because of *gestures at pandemic* and deal with a mental breakdown from all the wonderful things it did to us and me specifically. I took a short break and decided to give art a shot full-time, and that was around May this year. I was planning on opening up commissions again (and I still am), but a few sudden opportunities that fell in my lap moved that timetable down and now I'm grateful to even be doing something I am getting adequately paid for.

So, with that somewhat limited perspective, here's what I've learned that I'd tell myself if I was just starting out:

1. Being a fan of something can be a shortcut towards effective networking kickoffs. Which are important evidently. If you love something and enjoy making content for it, join communities, settle into a combination of social media websites that feel right for those interests + your body of work + your inner rhythm, and try to play to content discovery as much as your mental health allows you to. Like I said, I know that I myself am incredibly bad at self-motivating to talk to people, so I found that synergizing common interests into fanart - which I enjoyed making anyway - could be a way to give myself a gentle nudge forward and build those bridges leading to community activities, which then net experience and coverage. Sometimes even freelance projects from official avenues. Again; picking the right spaces for what you're after is key. Companies roam twitter, concept art recruiters scour artstation or linkedin etc, instagram can land you private commissions and collab opportunities, so on and so forth. Find your niche and try to kick up dust. However...

2. I do not believe that any social profile can replace a good portfolio. The thing that made an immediate difference to me this year was building a coherent, simple website with my best work front and center and a contact form on top. Every single opportunity I got came from that form (maybe via twitter or instagram initially, but always sealing the decision after going through the website), so I firmly believe that showcasing your skills and portfolio in a visually arresting and user-friendly way is a big priority. I had some reservations about tackling that task but fortunately I had help from a savvy life partner and we slapped it together via wordpress in less than a day. Twitter/whatever social media is prevalent in your target groups is definitely important to get the right eyes on your shit, yes, but those eyes will then look for a second stop where your work and rates are more clear and concise. Simplicity is key imo, I cannot overstate this. So make a cute, simple portfolio!

3. Your skills and rates will grow and change as you do. Let them. Over the years I built several lasting professional relationships from my obsession over mass effect and kept getting opportunities both from bioware and their partner companies, some small and some a bit bigger. A one-off job earlier this year opened an unexpected door to another much larger commitment, and then the work I did there brought some attention from small businesses looking for commercial commissions. These were all incredibly different projects in terms of scope and budget, and I've been tackling them all on a case-by-case basis and slowly coming into my own irt my needs, rates, and SOW thresholds. It is still a work in progress (and a LOT of literal work as well), and very much a thing I struggle with in publicly marketing, which is why I felt a tad underqualified to answer your question in the first place (obviously I did not let that stop me). But what it means for me now is that I am rapidly developing into whatever my "version" of a functioning freelance artist is, and when the conditions for that guy are met, I need to be able to confidently plant myself and operate from that space despite past precedents. Do not let anyone bully you into downpricing what you yourself perceive as legitimate products of personal growth and development. Speaking of which...

4. The shitty challenge of turning envy into inspiration, and paddling outside your comfort zones in full riot gear. it is hard, but realizing that being a miserable, self-hating artist in my early days got me nothing but more misery back was the first real step I took and what truly blew the hinges off. I was just not pleasant to be around, I would badmouth my work all the time, and it all somehow made sense in my broken mind because the validation I sought was purely external and the way I sought it was through eliciting sympathy via self-victimization (even when I made something objectively nice). It all led fucking nowhere. Except perhaps to my own narcissism that I one day managed to identify and start managing. So I started looking at things that made me seethe with envy and calmly deconstruct and figure out their inner workings instead, do studies, and find nuggets of inspiration or discover new ways to approach rendering or building up specific elements. It was an application of analytical diligence to what I wanted to be a purely emotional, esoteric workflow, but that I deep down knew wasn't. Art is a discipline and a skill, and maybe it isn't a straight line, but you gotta find some line to thread nevertheless. Being self-hating was almost an identity I had to break out of, and despite it still being like, 4-5% there? I realize its cause and effect on me, my work, and those around me, so it is with a conscious choice that I gently set it aside when I work and especially when I learn. It won't always stay quiet, but the effort is the difference. Your doors towards accepting true growth and venturing into uncharted territories, art styles, and networking will really open from there. But there's a huge caveat...

5. Toolsets, accessibility, privilege, and all the good things that enable artistic expression and profitability are not given equal to all. you might do all the mental work I mentioned to be ready to rock and roll and learn and draw your way out of anything, but digital art is a fucking money pit that asks almost too much at times. I don't got a good case study here but identifying and ensuring accessibility to the tools you need to do your best work is, like, super important. The ergonomics can improve as you make money and settle into the job, but the basics have to be made available to you. And some of that might not even be under your direct control. That can be anything from pen tablets to software subscriptions to opportunities in hiring sullied by sexism or what have you. You gotta navigate all that through careful networking and money/time management. I don't do a good job of devoting specific slices of time to work/study, and my primary clutch is iPad software which went from a good deal to a nightmare scenario over the years. So all I can say here is do what I didn't; network, invest in a PC/tablet, and pick a software you'll learn that won't burn a hole in your pocket.

6. Be nice to work with? This one is hard to articulate and has landed my own ass in hot water in my early years because of how socially inept I am, but nothing is more worthwhile than being.. like. a good person to work with. That can be anything like meeting deadlines, or sometimes missing them but eloquently articulating why, being generous in early stages, being communicable and not too wordy in your emails, having a good grasp on abstract artistic concepts and how to describe them in simple terms, having a clear, laid out framework of your working rates in commercial and non-commercial projects and sticking to those guns with grace, understanding when you need to say no and saying it well, the works. Just being nice. Sometimes that might mean going headstrong with something you believe in, or simmering down and sucking up to the big man, all relative and adaptive. Part and parcel of the service provision dance that we all have to do in order to make bank. Know your lines here, obviously, and don't like. work for nazis. or uh.. *shudders* exposure. but be nice and empathetic and communicable and word will travel eventually. Skill may be in abundance these days, but good people are most certainly not, and capitalism has a way of bubbling up scarcity. Grim, but uh, them's the breaks.

I know I'm ultimately telling you to like. Have a body of work, make a portfolio, grow, and network. But that's really how I see it for now. And being nice can be a cherry on top that sets you apart, along with the inherent irreplaceable voice of your artwork. I think I rambled on enough, but if there is something specific you need my help with, even if you want to come off anon and talk in private, please feel free.

[bsbloglife]

September 23, 2021…tomorrow I leave my family for 3 weeks, to care for my parents back home. I’m nervous, scared, excited, sad, relieved, and so many other emotions that I cannot begin to name off because my mind is a jumbled mess. I’m looking forward to finally seeing my parents after a little over two years, but so heartbroken to leave my children and husband behind. I do have a sense of relief that now I’ll finally be able to take care of the issues regarding my parents’ needs.

I take off from Orlando in the early afternoon, to arrive in Toronto a few hours later, only to wait for 3+ hrs before my flight to Montreal. My sister-in-law will be coming to the airport to pick me up, then we’ll be heading over to the hotel where my parents have been holed up for over 4 and a half months. My parents don’t know I’ll be arriving tomorrow, but the caregiver is aware. She’ll be waiting for my call to say that I’ve arrived and that I’m on the way. In fact, I’ll be the one caring for my parents the first weekend that I arrive. My father is the one who needs the most help, hopefully he’ll be ok with me cleaning him up when he needs it. This will be interesting! Maybe he won’t recognize me and think that I’m another caregiver. I’m laughing at the thought, but it’s painful to think he won’t remember me. We’ll soon find out. Tomorrow this time I’ll be at the hotel with my parents.

In fact, tomorrow almost didn’t happen. I received a call today from my son’s middle school and as soon as I saw that name pop up on my phone at 1:15pm, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good call. When I answered the phone I waited a few seconds, hoping that maybe it was one of those automated calls from the principal. After a few seconds when I didn’t hear that automated voice come on, I knew something was wrong, so I said “hello?”, to which the school nurse proceeded to tell me her name and that she was calling about my son. I’m sure my response, “oh no, this is not good”, confused her a little bit, which I sensed from her hesitation to continue on. I said that for a few reasons; 1 - she’d only be calling me if something bad happened, 2 - I was leaving for Canada the next day, this seriously cannot be happening, and 3 - what if he has Covid?? I would have to reschedule my trip. I think other things popped in my mind, but right now I can’t remember what they were. She then said he was not feeling well; sore throat, chills, headache, but no fever. I told her I’d be there within 10 minutes. When I got to the school he looked ill, with those glassy eyes and sad face, trying to pull his arms into his shirt because he was getting chilly. I carried his bag and we headed to the car. He told me that he was sorry to put pressure on me because he knew that I had to leave tomorrow. I told him that I believed everything happened for a reason and maybe it wasn’t meant for me to go. My first thought was having to reschedule my trip, because if he had Covid I didn’t want to bring it home to my parents. Then I thought that I would need to get him tested, just to be sure. If he was positive, then I would reschedule the trip. If he was negative, then I would continue as planned. Stupid me, I thought that picking up a Covid Home testing kit would be easy. Just go to the closest pharmacy. Little did I know that these testing kits were like hot cakes and everybody wanted them! There were no Covid testing kits to be found…anywhere!!! My very good friend Bri helped me find one of the last remaining kits in town, after she searched and searched and searched, even going to the closest Walmart by her place to pick up a kit which was supposedly in stock. Only to find out that she missed the last kit by a few minutes! She drove with me to the only pharmacy in town with a kit. You know, that’s a real friend. You find out who your real friends are when they inconvenience themselves to help you, but they truly don’t think they are going out of their way. They are helping you because they genuinely care, when anyone else would be telling you, “good luck finding a kit”, instead she said, “let me get dressed and go to my Walmart that says they have them in stock. I’ll pick it up for you then meet you.” I mean, seriously?!?! Then she drove across town with me to get that last remaining kit, which she found after calling several pharmacies in town, and then begging them to hold it for her. I’ll never forget her kindness. I’m sure she had other things to do than to spend hours searching for a rapid Covid testing kit for my son. What was really beautiful, was that she never made it seem like a hassle. She made it seem that she actually enjoyed helping me. I cherish this girl! (Btw, my son was negative, thankfully!!)

Speaking of kindness, when I texted my cousins back home to tell them that I was coming, they offered me their homes to stay in, they offered me cars to drive, they offered me support in any way that I needed it. My one cousin offered me his daughter’s car, only with her permission of course. I told him that I didn’t mind driving his Maserati, just in case she didn’t want me to drive her Mini Cooper. I still haven’t heard back from him regarding this…. Walter? Hello?? My cousin Nadia was there for me that weekend when I decided to resign, because I needed to talk to someone about my decision to leave my career to care for my parents. She understood my pain. She too worked very hard for her career. She listened, offered her advice and helped me decide that the right thing to do would be to follow my heart. My heart wanted to be there for my parents. If I didn’t follow my heart, my conscience would never be clear and I would be useless to my family. I’ll never forget my cousin Alain and how he took care of my parents needs the day after the fire. He went to the house and dealt with the insurance people and helped my parents navigate the first few days of this terrible event. He was my savior, and theirs too. These kindnesses will never be forgotten.

My best friends back home Tina and Karen, offering me clothing, food, a place to stay. Even offering me their time when painting, decluttering and whatever else I’ll need to get done at the house. I cannot do anything without their support…without all of my friends and families support. My sister-in-law Anna will be there for me when I first arrive and each and every day that I am there. She lives just down the street from my parents place and has often been the one that my mom has called when they needed help. I cannot repay any of these people for their goodness, kindness, love and support. I can only hope that someday I am able to provide them with the same.

Here at home, one of my best friend’s has changed her whole schedule at work to accommodate taking care of my son every morning while I’m away. She rearranged her life for mine. She has literally become the family that I don’t have that lives just down the street. You know what I mean, that family member that lives close by that cares for your kids because you don’t have anyone else?? She literally rearranged her entire life to help me. I cannot thank Lisa and her son CJ enough for caring for my son like he is their family. She spoils him like she does her own sons. I told her to back off a little, because I didn’t want my son to like her more than her likes me. She laughed and said that wasn’t possible, because all my son did was talk about me. He better, good boy!

Speaking of family, tomorrow morning our friends, who we call family and in fact made them godparents to our son, will be driving me to the airport. I feel bad for Pat and Kelly, because they’ll be hearing me cry as we drive away after I say goodbye to my husband and children. I know those painful cries won’t be easy to handle. They’ll be seeing me off at the airport, which I know won’t be easy, because this will mean that I’m really leaving.

Honestly though, I really couldn’t do any of this without my family’s support, especially my husband. If he didn’t have my back, supporting my decision, and taking on most of the responsibilities with me gone for three weeks, then none of this would be possible. He has supported me financially, emotionally and spiritually. Without him I couldn’t do this. Without my children helping me by not begging me to stay, I am able to go. They have cried, they have told me they didn’t want me to go, but they haven’t forced me in a corner where the guilt of their pain would make me stay. I couldn’t do it without their support. My daughter stepping up to the plate by being me for the next three weeks, picking up my son from school, making sure he gets fed and taken to his activities.

Part of me thinks that I’m being such a big baby about this. I should just shut my mouth, stop the crying and just face this head on without fear. I want to, I really do. I feel ashamed that I can’t handle this with the grace and dignity that I know most people in my position would have. I try to have the courage and strength that I need to go forward, but the fear of the unknown has me scared. I’m afraid of leaving my family, what if something happens. It won’t be easy for me to come back home. I have to get a flight. I have to get Covid tested, which takes a day or two. I can’t just jump on a plane and come back. I’m scared I won’t be here if I’m needed. I try to get those things out of my head. I try to have relief knowing that I cannot control things out of my control, I have to let whatever may be just be. Then go from there. I know that this needs to be done and now I’ll finally be doing what I set out to do when I resigned from my career. This is the decision I made, now I will continue on with this journey.

Onward and upward!

[misterbitches]

hi! this is long as shit i’m sorry. i hope it makes sense. i ahve adhd and like 5 million learning disorders so this is just word vomit cos there’s so many words in my brain. my b.

i’ve had such a tough day so thank you for replying and sharing! @yeedak​ 

i was thinking about what i wrote and i meant to clarify that as well. some cases are fine for both parties and it’s not like you weren’t consenting and it seems like you were happy! same with my friend who was dating a 20 yr old. if they’re happy you know i’ll clown on ‘em but yea. so for anyone that sees these posts your relationship with your partner who is older or whatever. i’m some dumb girl on the internet okay. ill side eye older ppl tho

i think a lot of people feel the same way you do now (me included.) it feels really good at the time but alter we can see the dynamics playing out. i’m 29 now and i think aging is just such a huge process. it’s wild how you at 31 are a totally different person, right?

and the US racism is probably some of the worst ever in its iteration because of slavery which started from europe etc but USA is so fucking unique bc of columbus bringing slaves here and displacing indigenous peoples or hispanola and because america is so influential the way it views race, particularly with black people as objects, has so deeply permeated into the current historical psyche globally. it’s fascinating to track how necessary anti blackness is to the flourishing of america but also the world at this point. also want to point out how fuckign scary sinophobia is here especially for covid. one is a straight historical line (black ppl + the US) and the other had to be manufactured and to continue to exploit the non-white americans and keep antiblackness in tact.i could go on about this all day. the pain of this place is immense.yet as bad as it is here, this is still the only place i truly feel safe as a black person. because of the unique experience we have in america and through the diaspora especially because we are veyr much ocncentrated here. it would be nice to like move to norway and have some alleviation financially or get free healthcare it’s just not feasible if no one looks like me. it’s fucking tough. 

i hope you don’t hate it here though and people treat you with respect. but as you know being a woman and jewish and an immigrant....shit is tough. the USA is a hellhole. :( america is so deeply tainted and desperately bad because it was founded on strife and blood and there’s no way to reverse that and what this country did in turn when it gained enough power and could capitalize off of the colonial forefathers. this is why we hsould all luv revolution!!!

HOWMEVERRRR 

boy oh boy oh BOY OH BOYYYYYYYY. well wlecome to the world of BL lmao especially as an adult with some obviously deep perspective just given your background. it is a fucking mess and it’s a hard mess to like but it pulls you in. i approach it like i do with soap operas since these are essentially telenovelas, you know? just like the drama at a billion. but the tricky part of that is like....what parts of it do we understand for critiquing? because so many of the shows are so bad at being like good pieces of things to look at just production wise and story wise. but i feel like these shows ask us to take them seriously, so why shouldn’t we take the content seriously? and this is being primarily peddled to young girls. 

i bring this up often but i read this thing about yaoi and the interest younger women/girls have in BL and its fascination with pederasty essentially. this component i think is key when we talk about who gets affected by these things the most. society in general is bad 4 girls bla bla we know lmao but in “more sexually conservative” societies it may be harder for these girls to feel safe even expressing normal emotions romantically and sexually and particularly with guys. some people hypothesized, and i think i agree with this hypothesis, that they can live through the casualness of BL. they don’t feel threatened because they can put themselves into the shoes of the other character. oftentimes, the more feminine or the younger. this was in conjunction with the age gap aspect (they say pederasty as well because there’s unethical age gaps that r gross and that is indeed what we would at least call a touch of sexual abuse if people dont feel like calling it an obsession with youth and power and uhhh young ppl and perhaps kids) where maybe girls could see themselves in these situations as the person being saved, loved, taken care of, and sadly also sexually active and penetrated. 

i think that’s just one aspect of it but i do think there’s validity in who gravitates towards it. i cannot imagine seeing this stuff and not getting enough information as a young kid, i sure as fuck know i didn’t!, and seeing these things and you look at it with 0 critique because you’re young and you may have no interest in it or you simply cannot understand what is wrong. no one is teaching you these things and these shows confirm it. and it is wild how intrinsic patriarchy is to BL although in its existence it also can’t be in line with patriarchy given the nature of two [cis] men!

it begs the question about the replacement aspect. is it just so girls can put themselves in these characters shoes? if so then that means we believe that gender is so interchangeable within our relationships and interactions and that doesn’t seem right. there’s more to lgbtq+ than just existing; it’s finding ways to communicate, finding a family, safety, your people, being a free person. there’s a lot to gain and a lot a lot to lose. and a gay man is also not a woman because those are also two distinct experiences.  especially in societies that have a more hidden aspect to sexuality (idk how to word this bc the BL industry would NEVER survive in america but in a way there’s a more “progressive” look at homosexuality but it’s still fucked up because we live in a Society, you know? at the same time look at what we are doing to trans kids. literally waging war so it’s bonkers how we all collectively have some real progress happening but at the same time not at all. the concept of ‘ladyboys’ and the frequency we see trans people in thai shows is wild and something that we absolutely do not see here in the US. still, none of these groups feel safe or are getting better material conditions in either place. we just show the ways we can try and tolerate oppression witout eliminating it imo)

to me it is clear: it’s money. which most things exist to make money so. but also who is the audience for these shows? and they have to market towards them. all that said all hope is not lost there are some decent shows. it’s just like regular media on TV though where it’s so fucking saturated as an industry that it’s literally sifting through garbage. and there are some days when you can handle the trash and others where it really fucking hurts to watch the violence, the rape, the manipulation, the violations, the stupid messaging. i have never seen more people trying to do mental gymnastics and seeing if things were “technically rape” than in teh BL fandom and that is so fucking sad.

i came into these shows at 28 with almost 0 clue of what as media BL was like esp as media that countries can use as soft power with the revenue. but i realize like...i’m 29 now and so many people don’t have a sizeable, though not huge, amount of life experience. and i wonder for people on the internet who are usually searching for something if they spend so much time on it like what a 15 year old girl thinks. what a 20 year old girl thinks. 

it is incredibly problematic and so awful but there’s also some rewards. if you haven’t i would definitely watch i told sunsset about you which i don’t think i’m going to finish and i doubt i’ll watch the second installment (watch this be a lie) but when i say some fucking impeccable storytelling and art? phew. now that is a fucking piece of media that works. it takes from moonlight heavily and you can see like...the artistic dedication is there and the story makes its world and sets up its stakes extremely well. 

i think because this is marketed towards much younger people too they know they dont have to try as hard. but they SHOULD because then you can have a fucking masterpiece like that. i think even this prolific gay thai filmmaker (who is like solidly against the government) who is so respected (and who i like a lot! if u wanna know i can tell u lmao but the films are very uhhhhhhhh “artsy”) would like i told sunset about you. i wish more people had budget like that and also just cared about the stories. it’s the fucking magic of art to figure out what you can do but there is very little incentive honestly. idk i am very pessimistic. there are days when it’s really a great pick me up and distraction but it is never a place i would love for to feel seen or heard but i’m more of the mind of i never trust the mainstream until they prove me wrong ;) 

or i never trust the mainstream and i still buy into it anyway and then cry when i don’t like what i see adn i yell “BOO GET OFF THE STAGE!” when an old man won’t leave a teenager alone

[brighthappybird]

What if the Angels had Pacts pt. 2

So this has been a thought that I’ve been thinking about. What if the Angels of Obey Me had pacts. What would they be like? So I already answered that question right here - What if the Angels had pacts? 

Now let’s look at what if the brothers, as angels, had pacts and what the MCs may have gotten from that. And just for the fun of it, I’m throwing Satan in here. 

Like always, if you want your MC, Demon or Angel to be thrown into the mix, don’t be afraid to like throw them my way. I’ll gently catch them and write for their pact, if you wanted! 

Let’s start off with what we know what the pacts do. There might be more information that might come out later, but for now, we know that the pacts help the MC control the demon brothers, by either controlling them or by having some form of bond to them. That’s about as much as we know, if anyone else knows more, feel free to add on!

With the brothers, it is a little tricky since you would need to look at what their sins would be the opposite in the Celestial Realm. Additionally, when I talk about their symbolic animals, I’m analyzing them from a totem standpoint since that gave me the most information when analyzing them.

Lucifer, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Pride --> Virtue of Humility

Mammon, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Greed  --> Virtue of Generosity

Leviathan, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Envy --> Virtue of Admiration

Satan, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Wrath  --> Virtue of Forgiveness

Asmodeus, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Lust  --> Virtue of Chasity Love

Beelzebub, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Gluttony  --> Virtue of Discipline

Belphegor, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Sloth  --> Virtue of Zeal

I hope everyone likes this! I will be posting a Diavolo bonus to this, but I’ll be taking a quick break from this. Also, please send me your MCs/OCs for Obey Me! I would absolutely love to write something like this for them! 

Now that we have each of their virtues listed out, we [as the players] know that each of them have shown some form of their former virtues (before they fell) when interacting them. Granted, it is a little warped, but it is still there. The issue is most of their personalities that we know now, are their current demon forms. We don’t know much about how they acted as angels. Though who is to say that isn’t going to be changed in the future!

Lucifer, Virtue of Humility - He was once known as the Morning Star. There are times in the story where multiple characters will say he was the gem of the entire Celestial Realm. The pride and joy of the Celestial Realm. There are instances in the game where Luke has said that he admired Lucifer more than Michael before he fell, which means, he was one that probably had the biggest influence amongst the other angels, even compared to Simeon (from the last post). 

Since he is the virtue of humility, we can assume that he was not as prideful as he is now. There was a sense of give and take, where instead of having the burden of the entire world on his shoulders like now, as an angel (even if he had his own fanbase), he would share the burden of what he was thinking. All in all, he was humble or rather, had a much lower view of his own importance. 

Lets go a little deeper into this by analyzing his symbolic animal as well. His symbolic animal is a peacock, which we know symbolizes pride, beauty and confidence. Something that he no doubt, he has had follow him through his time of being an angel then his descent in being a demon. The other things that a peacock symbolizes are balance, awareness, leadership and ressurection. In a way, we could say that his rebirth as a demon was foretold in the cards, but let’s skip that. Balance, Awareness and Leadership, what was Lucifer known for in the Celestial Realm? He was someone that the angels would rally around and see him as this great leader. The Morning Star. 

If the MC were to make a pact with Lucifer, when he was an angel, one could assume he would be guardian angel++ like Simeon. Though instead of taking more of a passive guardian role, he would take more of a assertive role should the pact holder be in danger. Though getting a pact with him would be much more difficult compared to the other brothers and this is because of how low he views his importance and how his importance is only tied to his title of The Morning Star. So have fun MCs!

Mammon, Virtue of Generosity - Though not much is spoken about Mammon and the others during their time as an angel. All we know is that Mammon was Lucifer’s favorite. That’s about it. Honestly, a part of me likes to think that Demon Mammon and Angel Mammon would have the same issue of being poor. Angel Mammon just giving away every single cent that he has in order to help someone else. Instead of looking for an opportunity to make money, he looks for an opportunity to try and help. Remember that impulsivity that Lucifer has tried to curb with many rules?  Well, different realm, same Mammon, just a different reason why he’s out of money. 

Since he is the virtue of Generosity, we can assume that he is still actively seeking money, but also seeking opportunities to help others. There is a sense of “give” “give” “give” and it is almost uncontrollable. He is just as soft in his angelic form as he is in his demon form, but he does not actively hide it. If anything, it is one of the reasons why humans and other angels find him more approachable. 

Let’s also talk about his symbolic animal. I know, I’m like dissecting each of the attributes that each of the brothers have, but it is just so interesting. So for Mammon, his symbolic animal is a crow which is known for being a bringer of prophecy and good luck. Other attributes denoted to the crow is intelligence, adaptability, insight, and being fearless. Now, Mammon is not that fearless, but he does have his moments where he will disregard Lucifer’s warning and do what he wants, despite the consequences. Though there is something deeper, Mammon shows much more emotional intelligence compared to most of his brothers, he is able to tell how the MC is feeling (despite disregarding it  a little) and there are times where he shows high levels of intelligence when it is something he cares about. 

If the MC were to make a pact with Mammon, when he was an angel, one could assume that he would be a guardian angel. Not a guardian angel++ like Lucifer or Simeon, but he is the guardian angel that would have quite a few pacts. Instead of being indebted to witches, he would be constantly fretting over the state of his human. With the pact, Mammon would know the state of his human and how they are doing financially or emotionally. He would be the angel to search the ends of the earth to find exactly what they need to make them happy and feel secure. Even if it means, spending some time with him. 

Leviathan, Virtue of Admiration - Going to be a little honest, Levi was a little hard thinking of. Since his Envy and his admiration are rather similar. Though the one thing that does change is that he respects himself a little more. He appreciates his own interests instead of putting himself down. He still enjoys consuming media, video games and using netspeak as he usually does. He is still interested in anime/manga/books, but he is a lot more social able. 

As the virtue of admiration, he admires other individuals collections and instead of comparing himself to them and putting himself down, he takes an interest in their interests and actively asks them questions. If anything, he feels embarrassed and shuts down when he feels like he has crossed a boundary or forgot the MC’s interests. 

As interesting as it is, Leviathan’s symbolic animal is the serpent, which symbolizes fertility, life and healing. They are also the symbols of rebirth, transformation and immortality. There are various aspects of this that almost seem like it opposes Levi as a character as a whole, but he does go through his own form of rebirth. Instead of being a recluse in the game, he ends up opening up more and talking to his brothers as well as the MC more. The healing aspect would be something that he does as well as has his charges do, if he were to have multiple pacts at once. Helping them heal from their social awkwardness, at least bring them to a bearable amount, where they could make friends/allies. 

If the MC is able to get a pact with him, they should feed into his admiration aspect. Since keeping him hooked on their interests and keeping him interested. Which is a downfall for him, but I digress. Though he falls into the same category as Mammon, he is a guardian angel. He is able to sense when his human is excited or if someone hurt their feelings regarding their interests or just hurting their feelings in general. That is enough to bring him to their side and comfort them. Just reminding them why they liked what they like. Though if he needs to, like in the game, he is not afraid to snap at those making his human feel bad. 

Satan, Virtue of Forgiveness - Now humor me for a little bit, we know it is canon that he was not originally an angel. Just humor me. Though not much of his personality changes. He is still the sensible, quick witted and the voice of reason. Though instead of his voice just being reserved for his brothers, he is used to settle arguments between all angels that may have a spat.

Satan was still born from Lucifer, but instead of blaming Lucifer, as much as it annoys him, he ends up forgiving Lucifer a little more. With how well read he is, he understands that there are certain causes that he can argue for since he would know why the individual acted the way they did. Though unfortunately, this would cause some tension, since even as an angel, there might be some ridged that may come from him going from what the book said or going with a solution he had ended up seeing that worked. The MC would need to actually show him not all problems are cut and dry, but also there are other paths to forgiveness and that sometimes, individuals cannot forgive if someone truly wronged them.

Lets quickly look at his symbolic animal. In the Devildom, his animal is the unicorn. This mythical animal is generally tied to both strength and fierceness. Though delving deeper the unicorn also represents a wisdom that is far beyond their years, reason, innocence. Which is true in a way, there were times in the game where despite having all this knowledge at his fingertips, Satan was caught offguard by something simple and it embarrasses him, but despite that he probably has more information in his brain compared to your average demon. This does not change as an angel, if anything, he is able to use the information that he has stored in his brain to help him better understand problems and work through it. 

Since he is a newer angel, it takes a bit of time for him to fully grasp everything. Though that does not mean that he is not a strong angel to have a pact with. Like Lucifer, he needs to be convinced since his entire value is based around whether or not he is well read but also his worry that he is not worth much because of his connection to Lucifer and only being compared to the Morning Star himself. The MC would need to pull him out of his shell a little bit. Though getting a pact with him would be like an guardian angel, not on the same level as some of his other brothers, but he would be the inner voice of the MC. Though there are times where he has talked MC down from doing something rash, or talked through the pros and cons of their actions, but ultimately leaves them to pick what they do. 

Asmodeus, Virtue of Chastity Love - You know, this one is a bit tricky considering what the word Chastity means. So I’ll be going with a more broader definition. So, let’s change it to Love. Virtue of Love. Since in the game, I feel like Asmo’s role in the Celestial Realm was not representing Chastity. That is just my opinion. Once known as the Jewel of the Heavens, there is a time where Simeon tells the MC that despite falling, he still views Asmodeus as the beautiful angel that he once was. Since there was one line that always stuck with me, despite being a demon for a millennia (or longer), he still tries to be the angel that he once was. Someone who was loved and adored, which means, he knows the feeling of love and the feeling it gives when one is in love. 

As an angel, he would have been an expert when it came to feelings like love, ecstasy, compassion, and sometimes even the more negative emotions like anxiety, anger and jealousy. All of it driving from a single point - passion. Unlike the other brothers, I want to focus on his symbolic animal, which is a scorpion. As stated it symbolizes both passion and dominance, which we see quite a bit, but what if it had a deeper meaning when he was an angel. With a little bit of research, you can find that scorpions also represent transformation, rebirth, defense and a sense of devotion. Which are aspects that one could find in love as well. Where love can bloom as friendship, where it slowly kindles and grows into a strong flame for one another. A requited love.Then if you look at the rebirth aspect, you can think of it as someone going through a broken heart, finding a sense of love and belonging in another, when their time comes, and so on so forth, but there is always a level of devotion between all of those.

 Asmodeus as a demon is quite passionate, in our case - as an angel, he was passionate about humans and finding their love or helping them work through their love if they were scorned. If an MC were to enter a pact with him, one could expect him to be a guardian angel++ and some form of a cupid. He is the one that would be there to lend his ear to his human, help them heal through a broken heart, but if the other person in the relationship/friendship truly wronged his human, like Lucifer, there is a chance he might take on a more assertive role versus a more passive role when dealing with it. 

Beelzebub, Virtue of Discipline - there are aspects of Beel’s virtue or his former angelic status in him, the more you play through the game. There are often times where he shows restraint (despite the inner battle he keeps fighting) when looking at delicious food or looking at something he wants. He shows quite a bit of discipline compared to his Sin of Gluttony. His discipline shows when he focuses on the sports he plays, his work out routine, but also  

Alright, now this is a little bit of a tricky one considering his symbolic animal is a fly. Since it is generally symbolic of illness, disease and war, but what if as an angel, he had a different symbolic animal? Something similar to a fly, but when he fell, it ended up becoming a fly. How about a dragonfly? Since if you look at the symbolism of a dragonfly, it is almost the opposite of what the fly represents. A dragonfly represents joy, adaptability, understanding and self realization. Now, the reason why I’m focusing on these four traits is because these are traits that we have seen Beel exhibiting in the game. There are numerous Devilgram cards that talk about how Beel has a deeper understanding of his and his brothers emotional states and how he holds family above food. Which, for someone who is always assumed that he holds food above everything, having a meal or something, this is a big turn of events. He seems to be the one who tries to adapt compared to the rest of his brothers, tries to understand, and generally, he realizes what he needs before most of his brothers realize what he needs. 

The type of angel is wrapped up in how he is even as a demon. I feel like, compared to the other brothers, he hasn’t lost most of his angelic charms compared to them. It hasn’t been warped as much. Though all in all, as an angel and with his pact, you’re going to find yourself well loved. He’s more like a companion angel, ones that you may see walking beside humans in human form or protecting their charge without a second thought. This goes back to his level of love and respect for his family, and while having a pact with him, you’re like family. 

Belphegor, Virtue of Zeal - A part of me thinks that zeal really does not match Belphie if you ask me. This is one of the virtues that make me go “hmm...maybe not,” but you know, we’re going to work with it. As a demon, he is a trickster and usually goes after his own goals, no matter the repercussions. This is seen when the MC is interacting with him in the first season. Don’t worry, not doing to spoil anything. Though he does show some form of mellowness and some level of playfulness that is harmless mischief. 

Belphie has the cow representing them. These animals generally symbolizes positivity, and fertility. We are ignoring fertility for this, it does not exist. Other aspects that the cow represents are selflessness, generosity, calming, grounding and new beginnings. There are a bunch of things that demon Belphie has here that works for his demon counterpart as the angel counterpart. 

If one were to get into a pact with the angel Belphegor, there is a level of harmless mischief that still tags along with him. Though he is a guardian angel in training. Being the youngest when it comes to power, there is sense of playful rebellion, always trying to find a way to have Lucifer to break character. Honestly, not much changes? Though compared to his brothers, he finds this strong sense of need to protect his human that’s holding a pact with him. Though if something deeply troubling happens to his human, he’s there as a comfort. He is there to comfort them and make sure they’re alright, generally taking on a more mellow tone and being the voice of reason - much like Satan. 

Like I said, Zeal does not fit Belphie all that much, but trust me - when I say MC will be protected with him. 

[jenn-coffin]

Dear her

I remember my moment of clarity like it was yesterday. Which is interesting because I don’t remember much detail from that period of my life. The constant violence, anger and unpredictability put me into a state of fight or flight 24/7, and I have learned that when you live in trauma your mind forgets details in order to protect itself. My mind was protecting me long before I saw the danger I was in. But I remember my moment of clarity. I lived in this adorable little cottage in the old part of town. It was the place to be. We were surrounded by historic remodeled homes, and our little 1920’s cottage was tiny, mended and fixed up just enough to be liveable. I loved that home. It was what I always dreamed of living in when newly married and starting a family. I remember I was standing in the bathroom and I had just thrown up, which is how I started most mornings. At that point I was waking up with uncontrollable anxiety and fear. I couldn’t get out of bed without feeling nauseous. It had become my new routine, start the coffee pot, throw up, get ready for work. But this day was different, I was standing in the bathroom, not wanting to walk into the kitchen, not ready to put on a fake smile and my “everything is ok” look for my husband, I was staring at the scars all over the bathroom walls, partly from the age of the house and some from my husband's fists. I looked in the mirror and I finally saw the darkness I was feeling in my heart through my eyes. I felt as close to dead as one can while still being alive. I didn’t know what to do then, but I did know I was not living, I was barely surviving, and my body was disintegrating from the torture of abuse. I am not religious, It's kind of cheesy, maybe cliche, but in that moment I was reminded of the serenity prayer:“God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”I finally saw that I could not control my husband's abuse, but I could control how I reacted, and it was getting time to leave.Shortly after that morning, my husband’s violence escalated to hitting me in public. It was still another two months before I filed for divorce.  I share all of this because when I was asked to write this letter I realized I am writing to her. That woman staring at me in the mirror of that broken bathroom, in my dream home. I pray I never forget that darkness. It keeps me connected to where I came from, what I have overcome, and what others suffering in the silence of domestic violence need to hear.Dear Her,There is no other way to say this except, this situation you are in, being in love with a sick person, sucks. No matter how you look at it, living in this abuse is scary and it's sad. You have zero control of his continued choice to hurt you. I know he tells you differently, that he can’t control himself. He says it's because he has anger issues, and his anger is because of his childhood, or because he can’t keep a job, or because of alcohol, or because he is stressed about money, or because of his parents divorce, or because of his strained relationship with his sister, or because you don’t understand how to make him happy, or because of the way you said something. The list goes on and evolves depending on which excuse is closest to grab after the beating. The fact is, his abuse is a choice. His anger is a choice. He is able to control it when he is around other people. Just not you. This shows that he does have a choice and he chooses to hurt you. He hurts you because in his twisted sick mind, your tears and your fear and your pleading for him to stop because you love him makes him feel loved. It's weird, I know, with time you will start to understand this about abusive people. For now, you just need to know that his abuse is a choice that he makes every time he does it, and every time he doesn’t get help.Domestic violence, is hard to escape for many reasons, but the hardest to overcome is the genuine love you have for them. You have evaluated your love for him time and time again to make sure you are willing to stick around through hell until the love of your life can return and treat you like they did at the beginning. It's true, you do love him, and honestly, you won't ever stop loving him. You sincerely meant and believed your vows. When you said in sickness and health, you meant it, but unfortunately his sickness is actually hurting and killing you. He broke both of your vows when he started hurting you with the verbal, emotional, psychological and physical abuse. You cannot break something that is already broken, and he broke your vows for the both of you.Please know that you did not cause the abuse. There is nothing you could have done to keep him from doing the things he did. There is very little you could have done to have kept from falling in love with an abusive person. Domestic violence does not happen to an individual because of their characteristics, family background, mental health, race, sexual orientation, financial status, or an unconscious search for a certain type of partner. It can happen to anyone who has the misfortune of becoming involved with a person who wants power and control. You did not “let” abuse happen to you, you did not “allow it,” you did not get swept up into the cycle of abuse because of something wrong or lacking in you. You got swept up because that is how powerful the cycle of abuse is. Repeat this to yourself daily, write it on a sticky note, dedicate time, energy and emotion for this truth to sink in. It will help you forgive yourself, and you have to forgive yourself in order to live again.When you first get out, your life is instantly going to expand. Don’t get me wrong, you will grieve, but you will begin to feel the freedom of not living in fear. Enjoy this time, play with family and friends, let yourself dream about what your life in freedom will look like. This moment is called the pink cloud, and unfortunately it is temporary. Fear will creep back in through nightmares and potential stalking and harassing behaviors of your abuser. Enjoy the joy and dream the dreams you make during this time because it will be your fuel to continue healing and further separate from your abuser through the dark times in recovery.Connect with other survivors. You are part of an unfortunate club of badass, strong as hell, resilient, strategic, empowered, survivors. Survivors of abuse have some of the most powerful skill sets. We can manage high stress situations, juggle emotional turmoil, while managing our day to day responsibilities, care for others, and put on a smile while we do it. Through recovery and working with other survivors I have found that the soft skills I learned to survive abuse now are my greatest assets. But we need one another to recover and we need recovery to ensure these skills of ours are used for our health and benefit, and not for our detriment. As another survivor and author, Leslie Morgan Steiner says, “abuse thrives in silence.” When you feel the pangs of abuse creep in, and have thoughts of loneliness, despair, regret, self hate, disappointment, or worthlessness, talk to another survivor. Sitting in those feelings, mulling over them, trying to sort them out on your own, trying to understand what happened to you, what you did wrong, alone, is sitting in silence and continuing the isolation your abuser put you in. The shame of abuse is not yours to carry. Refuse to hold shame for something, someone else chose to do to you. To recover we have to step out of that silence and shame, we have to step out of our shell and talk about our experience. Only other survivors of abuse understand where we are, what we are feeling, and can offer solutions to get out of the holes our abusive partners put us in. This is why it is vital to find and connect to other survivors. We have all been there, we get it, and in fact, talking to new survivors helps us in our continued recovery as well. You can connect with other survivors by getting involved with a shelter or non-profit in your area. If by chance you are unable to connect to a local organization, which can be quite hard, you can find communities of survivors on Facebook and Instagram.No matter how hard you tried to not let their words of abuse sink in to how you see or believe yourself to be, more likely than not, they did. That's ok, with time the voices in your head will be yours again. It is not an easy or fast process, but it is possible. You need to practice everyday, identifying their voice and then replacing it with yours. It takes time but it is doable. Working with a therapist and other survivors will help you see when this is happening and help you change it.Recovery is hard. Sometimes it feels harder than it was to live in the abuse. In these moments you may think about going back. Don’t forget, you survived the abuse, you can survive recovery. You are going to miss them and hate that you miss someone that hurt you like they did. You will have nightmares, flashbacks, and sometimes feel paralyzed in fear. You will have a hard time focusing at work because you are hyper vigilant, a side effect of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Your other relationships may be difficult because of behaviors you learned in the abuse. Even if you don’t understand it, or think you need it, find a therapist that understands domestic violence and talk to other survivors. Talking to someone with a shared experience gets us out of the dark parts of recovery and empowers us to keep moving forward. Recovery is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, and relearning how to meet our individual needs one need at a time. Reach out and ask for help when you don’t think you will make it through a day. We have all been there. Again, you survived the abuse, you can survive the recovery.Give yourself grace...As survivors of domestic abuse, giving ourselves grace is 100% necessary and unbelievably hard to do. I believe learning self grace is difficult for most people, but the difference for survivors of abuse is that doing it, giving ourselves grace, can literally feel unsafe in our minds and bodies. We have been conditioned to believe that giving ourselves a pass, or grace, is putting our guard down. We have learned that if we take responsibility, assume blame and make our self disappointment known, we can sometimes reduce or curb moments of violence with our abuser. Once we are free from abuse, victim blaming culture tells us we should be disappointed in ourselves for getting into and allowing abuse in our relationship. Looking back on my journey I see that there are two roads of recovery that run parallel to one another. One road is bereavement and it is lined with never ending regret, self hatred, and living in our trauma. The other road is self grace and lined with self forgiveness, love, appreciation and understanding our trauma. Unlike most parts of recovery, we have complete control over which road we take. Here is the deal, to step from bereavement to grace, we have to understand and accept that while living in abuse, we were doing the best we could with the information we had at the time of assault. The information we lacked or lack is that we were in the cycle of abuse, and that there is no fixing or stopping abusive behavior, there is only leaving and separating from it. Again, domestic violence does not happen to an individual because of their characteristics, family background, mental health, race, sexual orientation, financial status, or an unconscious search for a certain type of partner. It can happen to anyone who has the misfortune of becoming involved with a person who wants power and control.It takes work, but things do get better, that I promise you.Check out more blog posts at jenncoffin.com

[southwindscoffee]

Um so I had an amazing year

You cannot get poor enough to help poor people thrive or sick enough to help sick people get well. You only ever uplift from your position of strength and clarity and alignment. – Abraham/Esther Hicks

 So.

 I had an amazing year.

 And I’m embarrassed to say it because I’m not dumb. (At least I hope I’m not.) I look around and can see suffering. Upheaval. Sickness. Poverty. I’m not denying those things exist or minimizing anyone else’s experience.

 But I wanted to share why I had an amazing year with the intent of uplifting someone else.

 Maybe you.

 I’m ending the year feeling happier, healthier, richer, more creatively fulfilled, and closer to my family than I have in a very, very long time. I credit this to a few small but key things—and overall, to one book.

 Last year about this time I listened to Atomic Habits by James Clear. I’ve lost track of how many copies I’ve bought of this book. Maybe four? At least two hardback copies, because I gave one away. Simply stated, the audio changed my life.

 Just—if you’re sick of listening to yourself complain about your bank account or weight or whatever, and you’re serious about changing things, go read/listen to this book.

 AND THEN ACTUALLY DO WHAT HE SAYS. The little, dumb, tiny changes. Because they add up.

 Last year I got sick of complaining about the same things year after year. And since I mostly complain in my journal or in my own head, it was a very boring place to be. I got sick of wondering why the balance in my bank account didn’t change, why I wasn’t losing weight, and why I wanted to write so much and wasn’t getting anywhere, even though I tried.

 But these things (richer, slimmer, more creative) were also what I really desired, deep down inside. I wanted to feel more financially stable, healthier (defined by weight loss), and to write more. (Well, I already wrote plenty. I wanted to write stuff and put it in public where people could actually read it.) These dreams felt very special and secret, but I think they’re somewhat universal—at least for authors.

 (Please note: I know that mental health can get in the way of taking any action at all. I’ve written about my depression and anxiety before. If this blog entry makes you feel overwhelmed, please know I’ve been where you are. Focus on taking care of yourself in whatever way you can and don’t worry about all this aspirational ambitious stuff I’m writing. Because the aspirational and ambitious can simply be getting out of bed and taking a shower. I’m proud of you for hanging in there.)

 After listening to Atomic Habits, I decided to do the following macro habits all throughout 2020—and I checked these off on a little grid in the James Clear journal:

 1. Take my vitamins.

2. Save $5 every day.

3. Write 10,000 words per week.

4. Post a blog entry every Wednesday and Saturday.

5. Go to the gym 3-5 times a week.

 I thought that these were things that could get me to my goals—richer, slimmer, more creatively fulfilled. And overall—happy.

 I also had some habits I already did. These were:

 1. Meditate for 10 minutes every day. (I usually use a guided YouTube video).

2. Write three pages longhand as Morning Pages (per Julia Cameron). (Incidentally, I’ve done this for decades and credit it to the reason I don’t get writer’s block.)

3. Take a Swedish lesson on Duolingo.

 I just wanted to keep these up.

 I have lots more habits … like brushing my teeth or whatever (and I actually floss because I bought the stuff and leave it out where I can see it), but the ones above are my more unusual habits.

 Well, what happened?

 1. I took my vitamins. Boring, but I’m also quite healthy, so maybe it helps my overall wellbeing. I haven’t been sick all year. I keep them by my bed where I see them and remember to take them.

 (Yes, I wash my hands all the time and don’t touch my face. And yes, I stayed home in quarantine. Yes, I wore a mask when I went out. But I think taking vitamins helped.)

 2. I ended up saving $5 every workday not every day. I either transferred the money to a Capital 360 account because it’s hard to transfer it back or put $5 into a Stash account. I sometimes would skip Starbucks or something similar and feel virtuous about transferring the $5. Other times I just transferred it.

 At the beginning of the year, the Capital 360 account had $5. It now has $806.

At the beginning of the year the Stash account had $50. It now has almost $2500. (Buying $5 here and there in March when the stock market was down ended up making about $500 over the year, a 23% increase.)

 Um, so that’s like $3200 I just kinda now have. Incidentally, $5 per day is $1825 over the course of the year, and I’ve almost doubled that because I invested it, not just saved it—and also sometimes I’d transfer like $10 or $25 if I was feeling wild. Over the months, I saw how the account balance would get close to an even number (like $500), so I’d transfer enough to make it that amount. And it just kept going.

 (Also, I’m not intending on this to be money advice. Go talk to someone who actually knows. My thought process was to hedge my bets with doing both safe and speculative—a savings account that earned interest and then various stocks. I also wasn’t spending money I needed for food, shelter, etc. I barely felt the expense, but I very much feel the accumulation of savings.)

 There really is magic in just starting to do something small, because it really does compound and snowball into good things. 

 Maybe in the grand scheme of things $3200 isn’t that much. To me it feels like I have this cute little cushion I literally created out of loose change in a year.

 Honestly, it feels like a lot, not “cute” or “little.” If I don’t compare myself to millionaires, it’s kind of amazing.

 What would happen if you transferred $1 or $2 a day? By the end of 2021, see how much you have…

 Another money habit: I wanted to stop buying so much online and one-clicking so many ebooks—even free ones—because it was just too much. I had like 800 unread books. So I kept track of the days I didn’t buy anything or download any books. My ecommerce moratorium ended up being streaks of time I didn’t buy anything and then a day where I would buy everything off of Amazon or whatever all at once. Not sure it did much except make me feel marginally better. With ebooks, while my TBR count is less than what it was at the beginning of the year, it isn’t the zero I’d hoped it to be. But I seriously read about 300-400 books—about 1-2 a day. (I read fast and don’t sleep.) My “read” pile jumped from 800 to 1100. Not sure what to make of it except I read so much and it was really fun. So, I still have about 680 books on my TBR pile for next year. That can be another habit to work on.

 3. I’ve written more than 530,000 words this year. The habit I tied it to incidentally, was opening my laptop. If I open my laptop—and that’s a habit I record with a tick mark on a grid—it’s a lot easier to get into the document and start writing. So the way I trick myself to write is I tell myself all I have to do is open my laptop. Simple. I check off the box that I did it and I feel virtuous. To reward myself for actually getting the word count, I have a little jar with binder clips in it and every 1,000 words I put a binder clip in a small old milk bottle. Then I can see the words add up.

 I also did a spreadsheet to know what I’ve written this year. I’ve never done one before because it felt too quantitative rather than qualitative. Writing is supposed to be this outlet for me, not something to beat to death with statistics. But I’m glad I did it because writing can be so amorphous. Putting parameters on it made it feel real.

 Oh, and I’ve finished one book, set to be published in February. I have a contract for another, and it’s (today) at 77,000 words. Three more books are 50% or more done. And I did NaNoWriMo. So, yeah. It was a productive year.

 I also learned that I like juggling projects. Focusing on one can make me stagnant. If I get stuck on one, moving to another really seemed to keep my momentum going.

 But I’m now focusing on getting them done and shipped. One at a time. Because they’re all just so close I can feel it.

 4. Before this year, I’d published eleven blog entries from 2017 to 2019. This year, I’ve posted 97, not counting this one. I missed a time or two at the beginning, but um, yeah… That’s a big difference.

 The reasons I wanted to focus on posting blog entries were multifold. I’d felt “out of it” as far as publishing, having worked on one book for so long that wasn’t gelling. I’d felt frustrated and jealous of those who got their work done. I needed the instant gratification—so to speak—of putting something out there while I worked on projects that took longer. I also wanted to inure myself to the fear of putting myself out there. With each entry—still—I feel fear, but I wanted to do it anyway. So that when the time comes to publish more fiction, I can go, “yeah, I’ve hit publish (literally) 100 times, what’s the big deal?”

 My guiding point for writing a blog post has been my gut feeling—tempered by wanting to reach out and help someone else. But to keep up a streak, there is a document on my computer called “Default blog post.” This is what it says in its entirety:

 Default blog post

 I told myself I just needed to post a blog every Wednesday and Saturday.

 Here is me keeping that promise.

 If you see that, well, you’ll know how the week is going.

 Is there an endgame here? What am I going to do with these blog posts? I can see me taking some ideas and expanding on them and creating some sort of nonfiction/self-help kind of book. I’ve always wanted to do that. I do see them as steppingstones to something bigger.

It also lets me be okay with imperfection. Typos. “Think-Os.” Whatever. This is me with no editor.

 5. So, the gym. Well, until it closed, I was going. My trigger was that I just had to check in. That was how I checked the box. Like opening the laptop, actually getting to the gym is the hard part. Once I was there, it was easy.

 But the gym closed and is still closed. Like all of us, I needed a Plan B. (C? D?)

 I’ve done short walks and long. Currently, I’m just working on doing pushups. I can do a lot of pushups with my knees on the ground. But I can only do a few “real” ones, so that’s what I’m keeping track of. I’m focusing on doing them slowly and properly, not faking my way through them. Faking them is easy, but I’d rather be able to do them right and have the actual arm strength. My trigger for when I do them is when I close my journal, I have to get down and do pushups. (Currently it’s seven.) To someone else that goal might be ridiculously easy. To me, it’s rather difficult and a little embarrassing to post, but whatever. I’m being honest.

 I’m ending the year a few pounds lighter than last year—and lighter than I’ve been in years—so I’m calling it a win.

 With the other habits, meditating keeps me happy as does dumping my brain in the morning pages. Oh, and I’m on day 622 in a row of Swedish on Duolingo. It feels like I’ve taken about a semester of college Swedish. Not enough to actually converse with someone but getting the hang of it. I’m motivated by a desire to go to Sweden and see some ancestral places—and actually understand some of the language, even though I know most Swedes speak better English than me.

 With COVID-19, like most of us, I’ve spent more time at home, but I’m temperamentally suited to that. I know it’s hurt extroverts hard, but as far as I’m concerned, I got to see my family more—even when I went to the office for work.

 What am I looking forward to next year? I like the habits I started for 2020. I just want to keep these systems up, because they seem to be working for me. I hope that by using these systems I end up with four to five books happily published in 2021 and I look forward to seeing how the exercise and money habits work out as well.

 This entry is about two or three times my usual blog entry, so if you made it this far, thank you. I hope it inspires you to take a small action and then keep taking that small action over and over again. They really do add up.

 I wish you the most amazing year ever in 2021. Know that it’s possible.

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 88

Chapter Summary -  Tom meets Danielle's uncle accidentally before the pair discuss a few matters, one of which Danielle is less than willing to discuss.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​ @jessibelle-nerdy-mum​ @nonsensicalobsessions​ @damalseer​ @hiddlesbitch1​ @winterisakiller​ @fairlightswiftly​ @salempoe​​ @wolfsmom1​​

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

Tom yawned as he walked through the small home to the kitchen, paying little heed to his surrounds as he filled the kettle, it was only halfway through filling it that he realised the appliance was already warm, indicating that it had been heated already, but Danielle was still very much in bed, asleep. He had hoped to bring her the tea as he woke her. Frowning, he turned around and took a slight step back as an older man sat at the table across the room, quietly smirking into his own mug of tea. Tom thanked whatever form of divine inspiration caused him to put on pyjama pants and not just his boxers.

The man rose from his chair, clearly eyeing Tom up and down and walked over to him. "So, you are the Brit that is keeping Danielle over in England? You're taller than I expected."

"Her Uncle Michael?" Tom assumed, going by the photo he had seen in Danielle's home and his odd accent, a mixture of the many places he had resided.

"Aye, that's me. And what were you christened, since no one told me a name for you?" He extended his hand.

"Tom, " Tom said, putting out his own hand. "I had not thought anyone else was here."

"I had noticed," Michael chuckled, his attention going to Tom's accent. "I spent a few years in London myself, you're from close enough there, aren't you?"

"I am, Oxford is where I spent my childhood."

"Fancy spot, and nowadays?"

"London City."

"I was in Highbury for a few years myself, nice spot, good Irish contingent, yourself?"

"Belsize." Tom cleared his throat as he spoke, suspecting that Danielle's uncle was very much not going to stop until he got everything from him.

"Oxford, Belsize, your not from the sort of background that usually has a girlfriend from the background like Danielle's," Michael commented. "How does a West of Ireland girl catch some wealthy boy's attention?"

Tom felt somewhat uncomfortable at the interrogation he was facing, especially before his morning tea. "She lived next to my mother, of course, someone like Danielle, bright, intelligent and vivacious caught my Mum's attention immediately, so she became part of the family, it went from there."

"Aye, she's like that, you can't help but admire her." Michael nodded. "She's got a hell of a temper when pushed though."

Tom chuckled slightly, "I am well aware, I have borne witness to and the brunt of such."

Michael studied him a moment longer before laughing. "Well, as long as you're aware of what you're in for with her." he slapped his hand on Tom's shoulder. "She is equal parts Mattie and Bridget, and by Christ, is that both a great joy and a terrible warning. She doesn't suffer fools, as this malarkey with Bernie would suggest."

"Yes," Tom's brows furrowed, the alteration in Michael's demeanour told him that the older man was no longer acting as though he was part of Scotland Yard. "Do you think it can be resolved?"

Michael sighed. "I cannot afford ten grand on it, my wife had surgery back home and isn't working at present, and Lourda has two kids in college in Limerick and Dublin so she cannot afford it either. And with Danielle in Britain, what way is there to stop her?"

"If it could be kept?" Tom prodded.

"I will tell you this here and now, Thomas, if I could make sure my family home, the home I was born and reared in could stay in the family, I would be a happy man, but realistically, there is little chance of that happening." He swore solemnly. "I'm getting far too old for this, Mattie, God rest him, used keep the auld bitch in line; Danielle, fair dues to her, is of the same mould, but legally, Bernie can force the sale, whatever anyone else wants be damned." Tom did not get to reply before there was a sound of movement from upstairs. "I guess someone is up."

Tom threw on the kettle as he heard Danielle's footsteps on the stairs. "What devilment are you up to?"

"Just talking to the man that according to you, Siobhan was talking out her arse about," Michael commented.

"Jesus, if that isn't worrying. Whatever he says," Danielle walked into the room, looking at Tom, "ignore him, he thinks he holds authority."

"I am the last man of the Hughes name I'd like to remind you." Michael pointed out.

"Not the last Hughes though," Danielle smirked.

"Aye, that's your plan so, tag this poor man along and keep the name?"

"I don't have to take a man's name if I ever get married."

"Jesus, you're awkward for the sake of it so you are." Michael shook his head.

"Did you honestly come out here to just get a cup of tea and go snooping?" Danielle laughed at her uncle.

"I need a good cuppa before heading back home." he shrugged. "Listen, Danielle." She stopped smiling and gave her uncle her full attention. "You know I can't afford this at the moment, but you know Mam and Dad would never have wanted this place sold."

"It was why they divvied it up, so everyone would look after it."

Michael nodded. "If it can be, I support what is needed, just let me know." Danielle nodded. "Now, I am off to the airport." he extended his hand to Tom, "You better look after my niece, Thomas," he warned.

Tom nodded as he shook his hand. "I will, and good to meet you."

Michael nodded before turning to his niece. "Danielle, do what you can, no better woman for it." He embraced her in a hug. "He's fair fancy, but I think your dad would have liked him anyway," he whispered.

Danielle smiled. "Thank you, Mike, I will let you know how things go here."

"Do, sure and Lourda too." with a final wave, her uncle turned and left the small cottage.

"So, where's my tea?" Danielle grinned playfully, causing Tom to grin and pull her to him.

"I got sidetracked by unexpected uncles."

"I dare say you did." She laughed. "But I still want some tea." she turned and began to make it.

* "What time are you flying back tomorrow?"

"Early enough, I have to get a few things done, and then the fun for the press tour starts." Tom sighed, pulling Danielle to him. "I wish you were coming home too."

"I have too much going on here."

"Would it not be easier to come home and get the loan and then come back and deal with it, and what about that guy that wants to meet you about your exam?"

"I have to see if I can stop here putting it up for sale before I can even consider going into NatWest and asking for a loan." Danielle groaned. "As for him," she inhaled deeply, "It’s all so much at once."

Tom watched as Danielle began to stress out again. "Elle?"

"What?" she noted something in his eyes.

"I was thinking."

"Oh, Jesus."

"I want you to listen to everything I say before reacting, please." Danielle looked at him worriedly. "You have a decent amount of the money for the house already, don't you?" She nodded slightly. "And you know the bank would give you more?"

"I don't know if they will, but I have no reason to believe they wouldn't. I have collateral, my credit card is never used, I am a good candidate." She explained, "Why?"

"If I.…"

"No." She cut in and pulled back from him.

"Elle, please, just listen to me." Tom pleaded. "Why won't you even listen?"

"Because I know what you are going to say and I don't want to discuss it."

"You have no idea what I am going to say, and why not discuss things?"

"You are going to suggest you spot me the cash, right?" He did not respond. "No Tom, I am not even going to consider it."

"Why not?"

"Because I am not a money-hungry bitch only interested in your financial worth." She snapped back. "I am not doing that."

"I know you're not and that is why I am offering." Danielle just shook her head. "Elle, I am suggesting this because one, you and I both know, the sooner we get your aunt off your back, the sooner it is sorted, and two, because I know you love this house, because it stops this from going any further, and most importantly because I want you to stop lying awake wondering about it, I want you to actually enjoy yourself again. You are incredibly stressed since before I got here, and yes, I am a part to blame, but I like to think we are fixing that and I want to fix this too." She said nothing, instead, she looked at him guiltily. "I know you are not sleeping, you have to force yourself to be yourself in front of me because you are anxious and are trying to hide it, please, let me help."

"It's not possible." she shook her head.

"Why not? I go home tomorrow, transfer the…wait, I can just transfer it to you now." he got out his laptop and got his banking page up. "Yes, I can."

Danielle bit her lips together. "How would I withdraw it, there is no NatWest's here?"

Tom typed on his laptop for a moment. "Is there an Ulster Bank?"

"Yes, that's Irish, I think."

"Well it's part of the grouping with NatWest according to this, so there you go." He smiled.

"I don't have an Ulster Bank account though." She pointed out.

"What have you here?"

"Just a credit union account."

Tom typed for a moment before grinning. "All credit unions have IBAN numbers, so yes, you can transfer to it." He looked at her. "We can have this done today Elle. You can come home and meet this American guy, I can be selfish and admit I want a few more days with you before the tour starts, I know you would have to wait for legal papers to be drawn up and everything, but we can do this right now Elle, just give the word. You are trying to be polite and decline via excuses, but I have rubbished them all, I know you don't want to do it, I know you would never ask this of me, but I want to do this for you, Elle, to make you happy, that makes me happy."

Danielle continued to think about it as he looked at her, pleading silently for her to accept his offer, to end the stalemate that was in play.

[sireneia]

@knightlydumbass​ sent:   🎰I THINK I HAVE BARELY ENOUGH MUSES FOR THIS...     //  rng ships / interactions. honestly i don’t know why i pretend like i haven’t been writing all these as platonic first 

for complete transparency, for this one i rigged them on ur part just to showcase all your muses but i still randomized mine akhskhgr i also randomized mine after i wrote your muses’ names down so as to avoid just picking pairs i’d like to talk about

1. Reyson & Rowan

You know, the nice thing about Rowan is while I theoretically can put him in Heroes verse to interact with anyone, I can also just as easily literally throw him into any FE world without much of any explanation either or vice versa LMAO so I could have Rowan visit Tellius or maybe Reyson can chill in the unfortunate rubble that is Aytolis

Rowan, though he now has an interest in other realms, has little to no idea about what Tellius is and so would be surprised to know of a world where there’s all these shapeshifting animals! While Rowan has issues with people who are royalty but can’t fight due to his own issues with his father, I think he’d easily be able to look past it with Reyson considering how much Reyson himself wishes he could participate and fight. Rowan could see that anger! That determination! That’s what matters more to Rowan than actual physical capability -- the drive to fight, and while maybe Reyson might not be too fond of Rowan, Rowan could easily be swayed into vibing well with him.

The power of the herons’ singing and their ability to purify the soul would be of particular interest to him though. It might actually get Rowan to dial himself down since it’d probably make him wonder if Reyson had been there with him during his own adventure, if Reyson could’ve potentially saved Rowan’s own friend from possession. He wouldn’t ask to turn back time or anything, but I think Reyson might be one of the only characters in FE with the potential to make Rowan more contemplative and even mournful to an extent.

2. Sara & Raigh

hahaha so. Raigh canonically is strangely okay with girls with long purplish-silver hair that happen to Know Everything About You so he’d probably be alright with Sara, though he might struggle with the idea of seeing himself as an equal to her with the fact she can read as childish at times with how she works to her own whims as opposed to others. That could lead to him being exasperated but he still wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone either.

If he sees her as overly childish, then that opens up him to be even more willing to be kind on her considering how he can’t bring himself to be anything but kind to those he sees as troubled children. Beyond that though, I think Raigh would be interested in her bloodline which could get to a no-go territory, but still! She may be a healer, but she’s associated with the darkness! It’s notable darkness even! Raigh at his heart is also a researcher and would love to know more about any darkness he can. He has a reason to be interested in spending time with her from the get-go as a result.

3. Eldigan & Febail

Hm, this becomes an interesting question of how much does Eldigan know first and foremost. Edain is childhood friends with Sigurd, so would Eldigan know her well by extension and thus maybe know of Brigid even if not her present self? Would Eldigan recognize Yewfelle ( i don’t like assuming everyone knows what the holy weapons look like in-game considering how clueless patty and febail seemed at balmung and yewfelle but i think it’s probably reasonable to assume a majorblood would know akhshgr ) and not even need to know Brigid at all to understand what Febail is? Or would Febail just seem like another companion of Ares that Eldigan would be meeting in Askr?

If they meet with no information at all, I think Febail would more than anything read to Eldigan as a really bad example of the common people getting screwed over by those that rule over them; here’s someone who had to resort to a job he probably shouldn’t have had to because there was basically no way to financially support a bunch of the future generation of Jugdral suddenly with the Empire’s executions. It’s not the kind of Jugdral Eldigan would’ve wanted, and I don’t know if his ideal heart would like to hear Febail’s story consequently.

If Eldigan has an idea though, I think he could be a source of helping Febail at least... somewhat prepare for his future and what being a duke would entail. Febail at no time really understands in-game what he’s getting himself into, even when he’s told he’s Brigid’s son, and so Eldigan might be the wake-up call he needs. 

Regardless of the previous two ifs, there’s always the potential of Febail giving yet another viewpoint on what Ares has been doing and what he’s like, though of course he’s a lot less helpful of a source than Lene would be lmao

4. Ares & Dew

I have all these Jugdrali muses who live in / are relevant during the time period Ares is and yet RNG chooses Dew, huh. The One (1) that isn’t. Close with an FE4 muse yet so far ok.jpeg

With the interaction we had with Eldigan and Dew already, I think the idea of Ares having inherited alongside Mystletainn the sword Dew gave Eldigan and Dew recognizing it could be wild hahaha especially if it’s like. Wow. This Sword Either Went Entirely Unused Or You Took Really Good Care Of It, Huh considering I doubt Eldigan would’ve done anything with it. //:

There’s also the potential of Dew being alive in Gen 2 and them meeting quite literally that way, though ofc they can just meet up in Heroes verse with Dew being a ghost like all the other gen 1 units. This is basically a role-reversal of the Eldigan and Febail pitch I had where now Dew is able to tell Ares more about the time period where his father was living, maybe clear up some unanswered questions, but from the perspective of someone who is a bit more detached than, say, Lachesis or Sigurd who would have their biases or might be troubling in their own ways to approach due to heavier consequences should the conversation go wrong. But with Dew, those consequences don’t exist. After all, who cares much about a thief from Verdane and upsetting him?

There’s also the strange barely mentioned ties between Verdane and Agustria post-game that could make a conversation between them based upon the countries they belong to in a way, or I guess if we really wanted to go there, there’s always the fact that Dew is one of Aunt Lachy’s predestineds. God, wild uncle possibilities for Ares going from Beo to Dew to the only reasonable man of Naoise.

5. Yuri & Clive

I still know next to nothing about the Ashen Wolves but from what information I’ve been given (whether it be canon or just people feeding me hcs in a way that seemed like canon to me), I’m not so sure I think these two would be on very good terms. It sounds like to me Yuri might have an issue with Clive as a knight based on Yuri’s own experiences and ideals, but I also cannot get a good read on Yuri at all with how some people say him and also you telling me he’s not very receptive to Crimson Flower as a route, throwing me a big curveball in my attempt to understand his motivations or principles LMAO

I think Clive’s always an interesting comparison point for a lot of FE characters with his views on duty, class systems, merit and what people ought to be recognized, affection, etc. and it sounds to me like Yuri has strong opinions himself! Even if i don’t know them

Maybe Clive’s thoughts on accepting those shunned by his peers because they too might have the potential to shine could be received well but all the other parts aren’t. Who Knows. I don’t know why I tried talking my way through this when I know absolute jack maskhgr i am So Sorry

[let-it-raines]

Not Your (soul)Mate {1/?}

Killian Jones doesn’t like the idea of soulmates. He sees how happy his friends are with theirs, but he still doesn’t like the idea, not when he’s found love and lost it time and time again only to still not know his sign. He has no markings on his skin, no voices in his head, but then one day he meets Emma Swan and everything changes. Because, well, he may not have ink on his skin to tell him who to love, but the very first time that he hears Emma’s voice he knows that she’s the one for him. Then again, that could simply be his desire talking. After all, for every word she speaks, he becomes aroused. 

It’s not the worst thing in the world to be incredibly attracted to a beautiful woman, but things aren’t that simple when she doesn’t have any interest in being his soulmate. 

He’s screwed. And not in the good way. 

Rating: Mature (mostly for jokes now and for...other things later)

A/N: Hello, friends! It’s me coming at you with more words! This time they’re of the supernatural variety for @cssns with *gasp* a soulmate fic. It’s a fun one guys. Seriously. It’s an absolutely ridiculous concept (soulmates + aroused by each other’s voices), but I’m having fun writing it! I’ve got eight chapters written so far, and I’m itching to share them with you! 

A special shoutout to @captainsjedi for her incredible artwork and for being my number one cheerleader as these words were dragged out of me. I feel super honored for her to have made this art for my story! And thank you to the organizers for doing such great work! So, everybody ready? 😁

Found on AO3 | Here |

Tag list (let me know if you want to be added/removed): @dreameronarooftop15 @searchingwardrobes @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @tiganasummertree @wellhellotragic @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @superchocovian @ultraluckycatnd @artistic-writer @cs-forlife @andiirivera @qualitycoffeethings @thejollyroger-writer @jonirobinson64 @mariakov81@thejollyroger-writer @xellewoods @cssns

-/-

One.

Two.

Three.

It’s the pattern he keeps tapping against his thigh as he sits at his desk, the clock on the wall ticking loud enough for him to hear. If he’s busy enough, it’s silent. But when he has time to idle and not focus on something in particular, when he’s anxious to get to go home, he can hear each individual tick as the seconds and minutes pass by. He’s always been sensitive to sounds, the quietest of whispers sometimes equivalent to yelling directly in his ear, but over the years, he’s learned to block the sounds out, to control how voices and taps and screeches affect him.

His clock is driving him insane.

He wants to go home.

And it’s not because he hates his job or anything. Sure, some days it’s like actual torture, nails on a chalkboard multiplied by at least seventeen, especially with the sensitivity of his ears, but most of the time he enjoys designing boats, ships, and the like. He enjoys working with Liam every single day and getting to draw up someone’s dream vessel like he often did as a child when he had nothing more than a pencil and a notebook of battered paper. Really, his job is a way to make his childhood dreams become a reality but in a financially responsible way.

For him. Not for the people who buy custom boats.

He likely wouldn’t enjoy it if he didn’t make any money. Designing boats is a hell of a lot of fun, but he does so enjoy having an apartment (some of the American terms have integrated into his vocabulary by now it seems) to go home to and food to eat. Honestly, he likes tea far too much to not be able to afford it.

How stereotypically British is he?

It doesn’t even matter. He likes tea, and he won’t let anyone try to convince him otherwise. His cabinet in his kitchen keeps him supplied with caffeine, and if it’s all arranged by size of bag and flavor, no one has to know that. He doesn’t live with anyone, so it’s completely fine.

Liam would make fun of him for ages if he knew of all of Killian’s little tendencies and specificities on how to run his life. Liam already has too much fun teasing him about the binders and books on his shelves in his office, but really, of all of the places to be organized, why not in the office? It’s not his fault that Liam lives in a disorganized mess.

Once a Navy man, always a Navy man doesn’t quite hold true when it comes to one half of the team at The Jewel: A Boating Design Company. He was never sold on the name, but it was Liam’s idea so he went along with it. And the odd name hasn’t seemed to keep any clients away, so it’s obviously worked out.

He still wants to go home.

And technically he could. Technically he’s a boss here and could go home whenever he wants, but he doesn’t like to leave before six. It’s bad business, and it’s never a bad thing to keep his mind focused on work. He’s always got a million thoughts whirling around in his head, and focusing on work keeps him grounded.

But today is a different day. Today is difficult for him. It’s an anniversary of sorts, but it’s not the good kind. It’s not roses (or sunflowers because in his opinion, roses are overrated) and wine and beautiful jewelry over a nice dinner with small servings when all people really want is to sit at home and eat pizza on the couch. No, it’s an anniversary of loss.

Of loss that’s not as final as death, and yet it still has its own particular sting that tends to linger. It’s a loss in his life that he’s felt many a time, but this one, this particular woman, well, her loss stung the most.

Her loss stings the most.

And it’s all because of the universe and its twisted sense of fate. He doesn’t mean that in a “weird shit happens” kind of way. He means that in the universe is a piece of shit that has lives decided before the people who live them are even born. It doesn’t matter what you do or how you live. The universe is always standing at the plate ready to throw a curveball and strike you out.

One strike.

Two strikes.

Three strikes.

You’re out.

Soulmate.

Or soul mate with two words. The universe has everything predestined, but apparently, they couldn’t decide on words in dictionaries and whether or not it was one combined word or two separate words. And that’s just scratching the surface of language and grammar, and he only speaks English and a tiny bit of French. Things just get more complicated when you move beyond that.

But that’s not the point. He can worry about grammar on another day. Right now he’s thinking about the unfortunateness of soulmates (soul mates…nope, he’s just going to decide it’s one word for him) and just how completely screwed up it all is.

No one really knows how the human race figured out that there are two people who are perfectly matched up in every single way. It doesn’t mean there aren’t fights and arguments and petty squabbles over who did the dishes or turning the air conditioner up too high. It simply means that somewhere out there, there’s a person who, when it counts, matches up to you so well that the universe has decided to they are your person.

They are the Christina Yang to your Meredith Grey.

(Yes, he’s watched Grey’s Anatomy, and no, he is not ashamed...of seasons one through six. It gets a little murky after that.)

But what happens if your soulmate dies? What happens if you never meet them? What happens if you fall in love with someone only to find out that their sign or their mark or their soul doesn’t at all match up with yours? What happens if you love someone so deeply that you don’t think your heart can take it anymore, and they leave you because the words written across their ankle are not also written across yours?

What happens if you don’t have words written at all?

He doesn’t. He doesn’t have the words. He doesn’t have any kind of indication as to how to find this so-called perfect match of his. He has no idea.

And he doesn’t need to ask the question of what happens when you love someone who is not your soulmate because he knows. He knows that the love can be real and deep and true, and yet the moment that person finds their matching mark, suddenly things start to crumble and fall apart. Questions begin to be asked, and there are no answers. There are no answers that are correct anyhow. It’s as if you’re taking one of those standardized tests where all four answers are correct, but you have to choose the one that’s the most correct.

Bullocks.

That’s the most ridiculous thing in the world, and yet he’s taken the standardized tests. He had to, but that’s really not the point.

(Also, he wonders if soulmate magic is real, are other types of magic real? Is Harry Potter based off of something true? Could he have gone to Hogwarts?)

Milah found her soulmate, and it wasn’t him. She loved him, but she let him go. And he cannot begrudge her for it. No, she’s doing what will truly make her happy, and he wants her to be happy. She deserves it.

He just wishes that it had been him.

The universe apparently had other ideas.

And four years later, he still doesn’t know his mark.

Four years later, he still loves her even if he shouldn’t, even if he knows he should have moved on.

Liam could hear Elsa’s thoughts at night when he was lying down to sleep. It wasn’t in his dreams, though he has heard of those, but simply once the darkness fell outside. They’d known each other in their thoughts since they were children, a love predestined and predetermined that found its way to life despite the countries that were spread out between them. He’s always been jealous of his older brother for a lot of things, but knowing who his love is and getting to know her for his entire life, that may be the thing which fills him with the most envy.

He’s not even sure that he wants to know who his soulmate is, but when he thinks of his brother and the happiness of his life with his wife and his children, he wonders how two people so genetically similar could have such different paths in life.

Robin’s had been a simple tattoo on his forearm. He knew that all he needed was to find his match, and even though it took into his mid-thirties, he did.

Mid-thirties are truly not old – especially since he himself just turned thirty five – but in a society that is obsessed with love and procreation, Robin might as well have been a lonely elderly man with no chance at love…and Robin’s a man. It’s much worse for women, which is fundamentally unfair. But he’s a designer of boats, not a designer of the universe, so he can’t exactly fix that.

Will, well, Will’s soulmate sign is one that Killian is rather fond of if he’s honest. He found Belle because he’d started spending time in a library, and whenever he would touch certain books, fingerprints would start glowing. They were small, dainty things, so he knew that they weren’t his. But the prints glowed, and as he moved throughout the library, he noticed that every book had fingerprints that glowed. And thus he found Belle, the librarian, and even though they don’t seem to match up, they do.

Everyone he knows is living life with someone they’re supposed to be with, happiness and issues all combined, and he’s…not.

He doesn’t think his life will suddenly become perfect if he were to meet this mystery woman. He doesn’t. His life is wonderful. He loves his friends and family. He loves his job and his hobbies. He loves his life.

Today is simply a hard day.

Today is simply a day of loss.

But tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow he’ll go back to normal, and he won’t feel the loss of his love so much.

As much.

“Hey, did you get the Santos order?”

“Shit,” he mumbles, jumping in his seat at Ariel’s voice. He knows that she likely spoke at a normal volume, but he wasn’t focusing and had zoned out. Her voice startled him. It doesn’t help that she takes pleasure in annoying him. “Sorry, love. You surprised me.”

“I knocked three times there, Jones,” she sighs, walking into his office and dropping a note down on his desk. “I know it’s late in the day and all, but you’re really zoning out.”

“That is the pot calling the kettle black, A,” he laughs, rolling forward in his chair to look at the note she has, her chicken scratch written across the notecard. “You zone out at lunch thinking about how someone invented the fork.”

“It’s true. You’ve got to think about things like that. You okay though? You’ve got that pensive, brooding look all over your face.”

He scoffs and rolls his eyes before looking up at her and stretching his hands up behind his head, the small ache pleasant. “I’m going to fire you for someone who doesn’t know me as well.”

“My severance package would be fantastic, so you can go ahead and do that. But I also know you’d be lost without me, so that’s not going to happen. No one else in the world knows which pens of yours not to use.”

“That can be taught.”

“Yeah, but no one else is going to accept your weirdness.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. Anyways,” she sighs, sitting down in the chair across from his desk and crossing her leg over her knee, “Eric and I are having a dinner at our house on Friday night, and you’re coming.”

He raises an eyebrow while he tries to keep his lips from curling up into a smile because he knows exactly why they’re having a dinner. She’s been his assistant for three years, and somewhere along the way she became one of his closest friends. She also drives him mad with how she doesn’t listen to him at all.

“Are you not even asking? Just demanding?”

She shrugs and flicks a speck off of her pants. “I’m telling you. It’s at seven, lots of our friends are coming, and you will be there if I have to drag you kicking and screaming.”

He hums and taps his fingers against the desk, the sound of his clock no longer in his earshot. “Fine. I think maybe I can be persuaded by some free food that I know is really a dinner party to announce your pregnancy.”

Her lips part, jaw nearly dropping, before she snaps it shut and gets up, walking over to him and knocking him upside the head. “You’re an asshole. That’s supposed to be a secret. How the hell did you know?”

“This note that you just gave me has baby names and a gynecologist appointment on it and not the Santos order.”

“Pregnancy brain is a real thing,” she huffs before slapping his head again and walking out of the room.

“Congratulations,” he shouts, leaning forward in his chair and smiling to himself. It’s a day of loss, but not everything is bad. It’s also a day of life.

He does spend the night drowning himself in a glass of rum, but it’s just the one filled a little too close to the brim. And he doesn’t spend entirely too much time thinking about Milah and all of the women and heartbreak that have come before her. He only spends what he would consider an acceptable amount of time, and if it was most of the night, no one has to know that but him.

Those are the perks of living alone.

Well, that and eating food in nothing but his boxers while watching reruns of whatever the hell he wants.

The Office.

It was The Office. He spends far too much time watching The Office and also…in his office. But that’s something else. That’s work, and it’s not filled with quite the same amount of comedy. Though he is thinking about putting Liam’s stapler in some jello. That’s not as funny in real life, but he’s not exactly sure if he’s desperate enough to wrap up Liam’s entire office in wrapping paper.

It’d have to be some birthday paper or something. It’s April, so Christmas paper likely wouldn’t work. Of course, it’s April, so Christmas paper would likely be on sale. This is sounding better and better, but he’s not going to do it. He’s going to keep on going with his life and make sure that Ariel isn’t setting him up on a date at this dinner party he’s been at for thirty minutes like he’s pretty sure she’s doing with her friend Jane.

Amazingly enough, the existence of soulmates does not keep people from setting him up on blind dates.

You’d think there would be at least one perk.

Besides the whole perfect match thing and all.

That’s supposedly a perk.

“Would you excuse me for just one minute, love?” he asks Jane, flashing her his most sincere smile and squeezing her shoulder before walking toward his brother who is talking to Will and Robin in the corner of the backyard.

“BJ,” Will greets, grinning from ear to ear as Killian shakes his head.

“You cannot call me that, Scarlett,” he groans. His protests don’t matter at all, but he can hope. He can hope that one day one of his friends will listen to him.

It’s a pipe dream.

“Well, baby Jones isn’t quite as funny as BJ.”

“You have the humor of a fifteen-year-old lad.”

“At least I’m not boring like you,” he scoffs before he takes another sip of his beer. “How’s your little date going over there?”

“So you can tell that it’s a set up?”

“Little brother,” Liam sighs, clapping his hand down on his shoulder, “you scratched your ear enough times for us to know you were nervous. Plus Ariel told us. She was practically jumping out of her skin with excitement.”

“Younger. I’m younger, and of course she did. Jane is…she’s a nice woman, but I’m not really in the mood for another date.”

Suddenly his head starts pounding, sounds muting for a moment before he hones in on a laugh, a laugh that has his skin heating and gooseflesh rising over his arms as he only focuses in on it before all of the other sounds come back to him, the laugh fading into the background. He doesn’t know what the hell just happened, but he’s not going to focus on it when he’s got to deal with his brother and his best mates being undeniable assholes.

Tuning things out has always kind of been his thing anyways.

“It doesn’t have to be a date,” Robin helpfully supplies, “but I think the lass likes you, so I’d turn her down easy.”

“There’s nothing to turn down.”

“She might not know that.”

“Anyways,” he sighs, crossing his arms over his chest, “how long do you think A is going to drag this along until we get to eat dinner?”

“I’d say until she finishes talking to her friends over there.” Liam points to a group of women standing on the other side of the deck. He recognizes Ariel and her friend Mary Margaret. He’s been to her house and met her husband. David? He thinks his name is David and that he’s a detective. And obviously he recognizes his sister-in-law, but he doesn’t recognize two of them. One of them is tall, her legs stretching on for miles, and she’s got straight brunette hair that falls down her back with the tips of it covered in red. The other woman is shorter, but not necessarily short, and her blonde hair is pulled up into a ponytail so that he can see the openness of her dress as it dips down her bare back and rests just above the curve of her waist. He doesn’t know her at all, and he wonders how. Ariel may simply work with him, but she’s made him such a part of her personal life that he feels like he knows all of her friends.

Then again, he didn’t know Jane, so obviously she has several friends she wants to announce her pregnancy to that he’s never met. They’re all ships passing in the night.

Of course, it’s not quite night yet and they’re definitely not ships, but his point still stands.

Or sails.

He can design a ship that would work for this purpose.

He has too much time on his hands.

All of the sounds mute again before the same laugh as before comes back, but this time he knows exactly where the sound is coming from. It’s coming from the blonde who’s talking to Ariel, and he can feel his skin heating up again, the flesh pricking and hair rising across his body as a shiver runs through him. He knows this feeling. He knows it well. It’s the start of something that he usually finds pleasant, but it’s not something that he finds pleasant while standing in a public place with all of his friends around.

Will may have the humor of a teenager, but apparently Killian has the uncontrollable sex drive of one.

Shit.

This is not good.

He needs to think of the government or his grandmother or people who think Hawaiian shirts can be worn to the office as casual wear when they live in Maine because his jeans are rather tight and he’s afraid that nothing can be hidden when he’s feeling a little excited.

Or a lot excited.

When he should not be excited at all.

Oh hell. He’s aroused. He’s not excited. He’s aroused, and there is absolutely no reason for it. Does he even need a reason? Probably not. Still though. This is a problem he doesn’t really want to have right now at his assistant’s barbecue to announce that she’s created a spawn of her loins.

Those are the only loins he should be thinking about.

Not Ariel’s loins, though. That is…this is all too much for him.

“Hey, lover boy,” Will whistles, and suddenly the laughter is fading away so that he can focus on the sound of Will’s whistle and the wind that’s causing the leaves on trees to rustle and mix in with all of the conversations that are happening, “you’ve got to stop staring at Emma or she will kick your ass all the way back to England.”

Emma.

“Who is that?” he ponders, reaching to scratch his beard. He should have shaved this morning, but he didn’t have time to clean his scruff up. “Emma? You said her name was Emma?”

“Aye,” Will confirms, his fingers tapping along the glass of his bottle and picking up the condensation. “Emma Swan. She lives with Belle. I’m bloody terrified of her sometimes, but she’s fun.”

“Why are you terrified of her?”

“Because she’s a cop. A detective, I think, and I’ve seen first hand just how good she is at kickboxing.”

“Why? Did you beat your ass for saying something dumb?”

Will rolls his eyes as both Robin and Liam chuckle, even if they try to muffle the sound. “I may have said something a bit unsavory one night, and she may have literally kicked my ass for it. But I’m on the straight and narrow path now.”

“Huh. So she did what we’ve all been wanting to do for years now. I like her.”

“Why don’t you go talk to her?” Liam prods, wrapping his arm around Killian’s shoulder and slapping him harder than he should. “Are you scared to talk to another girl? Is this going to be like teenage Killian who can’t flirt with more than one woman in a day without being terrified of having to do it again?”

“Sod off.”

“I’m telling you,” Liam starts, but Killian moves out from under his arm and walks away from the group of them so that he can go inside and get a glass of water, not really interested in hearing Liam teasing him about his childhood. It doesn’t bother him, but he’s heard it all before and doesn’t really need to hear about it again. It’s still been A Week, and there’s only so much teasing about his relationships that he can take when he’s still mourning the loss of one.

Once he gets into the kitchen, he grabs a cup off the counter and fills it with ice and water from the fridge, the sound of the ice machine drowning everything out so that he doesn’t hear someone come in behind him. He doesn’t hear her, so he’s got no idea that she’s within a foot of him when he turns around and hits her shoulder, the cup of ice cold water in his hand spilling all over the front of her dress.

Of Emma’s dress.

Of Emma’s white dress.

Because it’s the woman who he was just admiring who he spilled a drink on.

“Holy shirt-balls that’s cold.”

He wants to laugh at her words, at her The Good Place reference, but then it’s happening again. His skin is heating, his temperature rising by several noticeable degrees, and he can feel the hair on his body begin to rise while his jeans tighten. How are his jeans still tightening? His erection can’t get any worse.

Holy shirt-balls indeed.

What the hell is happening to him?

“I’m sorry, love,” he stutters, trying to focus his hearing so that everything won’t be so heightened, but then his eyes glance down at the way that the material of her dress is clinging to her skin, the edges molding to her breasts, and everything gets worse. So, so much worse. He loves women. He’s never denied that. But hell, he should not be having this kind of reaction. This is not some kind of bad porn movie.

This is not some kind of raunchy romantic comedy either.

This is his life.

She’s got fantastic breasts.

Nope. Nope. Nope. He can’t be thinking that. He shouldn’t be thinking that. Something is happening to him, and he needs it to stop.

“I mean, I would say it’s not your fault, but you did spill the water on me,” she laughs, grabbing onto her dress and squeezing the water out a bit as she makes her way further into the kitchen to grab a towel and wipe herself down.

“Yeah, sorry about that. Again. You’re Emma, right?”

She’s still dabbing at her dress when she looks up at him and raises an eyebrow. Her cheeks are flushed red, and he’s not sure if it’s from spending the evening outside or from the embarrassment of him spilling water on her. But she’s got these beautifully flushed cheeks and light emerald eyes that can’t seem to focus on him, her gaze constantly changing.

With how uncomfortable his jeans are right now, he’s honestly kind of wishing that he had ice water dumped on him.

Seriously. What the hell is happening to him?

“Um, yeah. How do you know that?”

“Will told me. I’m…we’re old friends. Killian. Killian Jones.”

“Emma Swan,” she sighs, continuing to dab at her dress while he looks away. He has to look away or he’s going to do something inappropriate by anyone’s standards. Something is happening to him, to his mind and his body, and he needs it to stop right now. “You know, if you wanted to talk to me, all you had to do was introduce yourself, no spilled water involved. And if you wanted to see my tits, well, I should warn you that I carry around a gun for a living, and I don’t take too kindly to things like that.”

“I can promise you that wasn’t my intention.”

“Then why aren’t you looking at me right now?”

“Swan, if I’m honest, it’s because I can see both through and down your dress, and it’s not proper to look no matter how much I want to.”

Holy shit. Why did he just say that?

“Is it hot in here?” Emma asks, changing the subject, and he has never been more thankful for anything in his entire life. Though, really, if she could stop talking, he would be thankful for that too. Her voice is focused in his ears, every word reverberating and spinning around so that he can focus on nothing but her. It’s like her laughter earlier. His body instinctively tuned into it, focused on it, and it caused this same feeling of arousal to base itself at his spine.

And every word she says, makes it worse.

Fuck.

He somehow knows what’s happening, his brain instantly making the connections, and if he could walk out the front door and have never come to this party, he probably would.

Emma Swan is mostly likely his soulmate if the way his senses are picking up are any indication, and every word she says gives him the most inappropriate erection.

Her voice arouses him, and it’s not in a normal way.

Of all the soulmate signs, why this?

Couldn’t he have gotten a damn butterfly tattoo right above his ass instead?

[in-a-cave-with]

What are your favorite fanfictions based in any of the Marvel comics universes?

ok this is certainly a . question. lmao . so i..have bookmarked like Three 616 fic on my actual ao3 account and i honestly dont know why. i have read so much 616 fic but i never bothered to make it a habit to .. save them . so rip me. this will be an incomplete list! huge f in the chat lads

there’s also the issue of like. pretty much all of the comics fic i like being, uh, stevetony. im a loser.

anyway.

When The Lights Go On Again by elspethdixon, seanchaiSummary: Aliens have invaded earth, and the Avengers are scattered. While Steve leads the resistance, Tony once again finds himself playing captive scientist. In the midst of a violent alien regime, separated by seemingly insurmountable boundaries, Steve and Tony have nothing to keep themselves going but each other.rec note: i JUST read this fic and it ruined my life. go read it and ruin your life too

Resurrection, Reconstruction & Redemption by elspethdixon, seanchaiSummary: Doom brings Steve back from the dead. Hijinks ensue, some of which might vaugely be considered plot.rec note: a classic! i think this was the first stevetony fic posted to ao3? you should def go ahead and read the rest of the series (yes it is a series yes it is 300k+ words yes it is worth it)

The Roughest Day by elspethdixon, seanchaiSummary: Steve is in a motorcycle accident, Tony catches a cold, and someone is after the New Avengers.rec note: this gives me warm fuzzies because it’s the new avengers avenging and there isn’t enough of that

King of Infinite Space by elspethdixon, seanchaiSummary: A villain from Tony’s past comes back to cause trouble for the Avengers. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so easy, if things weren’t already so awkward over the events of Execute Program.rec note: it’s not a tony stan created reclist if there isn’t a tiberius stone fic somewhere on it

Winter Is All Over You by KiyaarSummary: Tony can’t remember why he’s running.rec note: *soft wheezing noises* oh,

My Mallory Heart [Add Violence Remix] by KiyaarSummary: He keeps seeing that bundle of metal set into Tony’s bare chest, the raw edges around it like Tony’s body was rejecting it. Keeps wondering: what have you done to yourself this time.rec note: *incoherent blubbering*

Sea Stars by MuccamukkSummary: Steve comes back to life somewhere entirely unexpected; Tony doesn’t remember being a hero; something is rotten in the province of British Columbia, and the 2010 Olympics are doomed.rec note: i LIVE for this fic it’s so good. the setting…the mystery…the characterization…top notch

Indelible by PenumbrenSummary: When an experiment goes awry, Tony thinks he may have found an answer to his problems and Steve faces something he’s been avoiding for a very long time.rec note: this turned out to be way sadder than i thought it was going to be

(Not So) Lonely At The Top by foldingcranesSummary: Riri has a bad day, and Tony tries to be An Emotionally Available Adult for her. It doesn’t go so bad.rec note: there isn’t enough riri fic out there…

if you leave by CapnShellheadSummary: After so many months passing each other in silence, Steve and Tony find a marriage counselor to try to work through their issues with communication.rec note: warning: fic is akin to a bat swung to the knees

Marvels: The Bloodstone Odyssey by teaberryblueSummary: The year is 1940. In the middle of the Blitz, Tony Stark and Pepper Potts set out to London to recover Howard Stark’s lost work. But it turns out that they’re not the only ones hunting for it. Tony finds himself contending with Nazis, crooks, and perhaps his most formidable adversary yet: a scrawny, asthmatic, bullheaded kid named Steve Rogers.rec note: this gives me huge indiana jones vibes and it’s GREAT

Emanata (The Comics Will Break Your Heart Remix) by teaberryblueSummary: Steve Rogers has the opportunity to fulfill his childhood dreams of becoming a comic artist when eccentric billionaire, superhero patron, and obsessive comic enthusiast Tony Stark offers him a job drawing Iron Man. But Tony Stark has no idea that Steve Rogers is really Captain America, the newest member of the Avengers. And Iron Man has no idea that Captain America is really Steve Rogers, up-and-coming comic book artist. And Steve doesn’t know what to do about the fact that he’s falling head over heels for them both.rec note: this one has a special place in my heart bc it’s the one that got me into 616 stevetony! the identity shenanigans make my head hurt and i love it

Genesis by teaberryblueSummary: Reluctant to make the truth about their secret weapon known, the American Government tells the world that Captain America is a man named Steve Rogers. According to public record, he died, tragically, in 1945, and he became legend. In 1998, the Avengers find a body trapped in ice. She’s alive. Her name is Eve. She has Captain America’s shield.rec note: i think this is the..only steve centric fic here lmao . and also technically this is a mix of 616/mcu/ults but i’m still putting it here bc it’s…very good

Highest fall you’ll ever grace by laireshiSummary: “You’ll probably want these back,” Tony says at last, and it hurts almost physically to pull the dog tags over his head and offer them to Steve. But they never really belonged to Tony, did they? Steve seems to hesitate for a second, but then he takes his dog tags with a weird expression. “Yeah,” he says. “They’re mine.”rec note: *clutches heart* hhhh

Transmission by laireshiSummary: The incursions are stopped. Steve hopes for things to go back to normal. Instead, he finds himself stranded in an alternate universe with Tony. Getting home won’t be easy. There are too many things they haven’t told each other, too many arguments they’ve never solved. Now, with just each other for company, they might have to face them all—especially as they seem to be telepathically bonded, and can’t keep anything unsaid anymore.rec note: oh boy am i a sucker for Stevetony Finding Out About The Confession

Chasing Shadows by laireshiSummary: Steve is still adjusting to the future. Tony hopes he is helping, but Steve’s and Iron Man’s morals might be too different for them to work together. Then Steve starts to act strangely, and all Tony can do is chase at shadows.rec note: this fic hurt me . that’s it that’s all i have to say

The Counselors Are In by cptxrogersSummary: Steve and Tony from Avengers Assemble open a counseling service for all the other Steves and Tonys from across the multiverse. God knows they need it.rec note: come on Other Universes GET IT TOGETHER

Think of This as Solving Problems (That Should Never Have Occurred) by SinealaSummary: No one knows Tony is Iron Man. Then Tony gets amnesia, and literally no one knows Tony is Iron Man.rec note: ok here comes the sineala spam in the reclist lmao

The Jar by SinealaSummary: The Avengers are ridiculously competitive people, and what starts out as a silly late-night team discussion quickly becomes a contest: their names. Not the code names – the nicknames. Who can go the longest without using them? They pledge to spend a week not nicknaming each other, and they’ll pay up every time they mess up. This hits Tony the hardest, and not just financially. Tony’s got a lot of nicknames for everyone, but most of all for Steve – and when Tony can’t use the names he’s already got, the names he uses reveal feelings he had no idea he had.rec note: super cute! lov those funky avenging dudes

Changeling by SinealaSummary: Instead of deleting his entire brain and reloading from a backup, Tony attempts to erase just the SHRA database from his mind. As Steve later finds out, this is unfortunately not what he actually did.rec note: *ugly sobbing* ttngngjfgnTONY ,.,,,,CAROLLLLL ,,FDF..,,KSDJBVSD ,,,S T E V E..,,,, FVKJD,,,,SFDJKDNFVNKDJFD

If You Want to Live (The Historical Present Remix) by SinealaSummary: The Civil War is over. The SHRA is gone. Steve has been brought back to life. He’s settling into his new duties as America’s top cop. His longtime friendship with Carol Danvers – Avenger, former director of SHIELD, and former leader of the pro-Registration forces – is now a tenuous one. But something is very wrong in the world. This isn’t how it was supposed to be. Someone is missing. Tony Stark was killed at the age of seventeen, and it’s up to Steve to travel into the past to save a man he doesn’t remember from a man he knows all too well: a mysterious assassin from another time and place, a man with a metal arm. And the truth is more complicated than anyone could ever have guessed.rec note: super interesting fic! the Plot is,,……. some güd shit

Straight on till Morning by SinealaSummary: Tony Stark resigned his commission in Starfleet five years ago, after a disastrous away mission, and he swore he’d never go back. He just wants to be left alone to build warp engines in peace. But the universe has more in store for him than that, as he discovers when Admiral Fury comes to him with an offer he could never have expected and cannot possibly refuse: first officer and chief engineer aboard the all-new USS Avenger, a starship of Tony’s own design. What’s more, the Avenger’s captain is Steve Rogers, hero of the Earth-Romulan War. Believed dead for over a century, Steve is miraculously alive… and very, very attractive. But nothing is ever easy for Tony. As he wrestles with his secret desire for his new captain and his not-so-dormant fears, another mission starts to go wrong, and Tony becomes aware that Steve has secrets of his own – and the truth could change everything.rec note: ok there is, like, really weird porn in this fic but it’s a STAR TREK CROSSOVER and that’s all that really matters. and also it’s very heartfelt and the action is  r e a l l y   i n t e n s e

Your Name on Every Wall by SinealaSummary: The Time Gem throws Steve into the past rather than the future, and in doing so, it gives him the opportunity to undo his past mistakes. But when it turns out that all of his mistakes involve Tony Stark, Steve begins to wonder if he’s ever going to be able to mend things between them.rec note: wow…….stevetony…….. am i right boys?

Get Some Now by SinealaSummary: Avengers Mansion has a mysterious feline infestation. Meanwhile, Steve just can’t figure out how to ask Tony out on a date. And the thirteen teleporting cats sure aren’t helping matters any.rec note: as you all may know. i am an active member of the “tony…..but give him a cat” movement and this fic brings me great joy

Sucker Punch by Sineala Summary: Steve never quite warms to Tony Stark, Avengers benefactor. The Molecule Man never strips Iron Man out of his armor. Life goes on for the Avengers, but as disagreements split the team – and Shellhead and Winghead – again and again, Steve wonders why Iron Man always picks Tony over him. And when Steve finds out, it happens in the worst way possible.rec note: and here is a fic that does NOT bring me great joy and instead goes out of its way to hurt me in every way it can

Tony Stark Advises The Avengers by copperbadgeSummary: Somehow, Tony Stark ended up Team Dad.rec note: ANAD AVENGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zero Sum by CraitSummary: Did you do your best, Anthony? And did your best only make things worse?rec note: let ao3 user crait write marvel comics, they clearly understand tony’s character better than anyone who’s written him in the past 10 years

[misscrawfords]

Rose! How do you feel about Emma and its various adaptations?

Sorry for the delay in answering - blame the school trip!

I love Emma. I wrote my dissertation partly on it (also on Northanger Abbey, Rob Roy and St Ronan’s Well) and while I loved it before I loved it even more after studying it. All of Austen’s novels are extremely well plotted, but Emma might just be the best. It’s like a detective novel in that respect (and has been described as such on multiple occasions) because you can pick up on clues to what’s really going on all the way through but on a first read, you don’t see them. Miss Bates unintentionally reveals details that can be explained by Frank and Jane’s secret relationship but they are hidden in her verbal overloading. Emma’s own thoughts betray her unknown interest in Mr. Knightley, and his actions point to his love for Emma. And so on. 

Jane Austen is also being radical in her use of literary conventions and genre in Emma (as she is in basically all her novels). She has the tightest mystery plot ever written at this point hidden directly inside a novel that sticks strictly to the conventions of romantic comedy. She even goes overboard with it - successfully navigating three couples to appropriate happy endings. However, within that solid structure, she plays with expectations and conventions in a subtle way and this is where I get really excited.

First we have Emma herself, a heroine “nobody but myself will like”. Austen clearly loved questioning and pushing conventions of who was allowed to be a heroine. Her previous novel, Mansfield Park, gave us Fanny who most people at the time found disappointing after Elizabeth Bennet and modern readers (unjustly IMO) hate, and she followed Emma with Anne Elliot who was far too old to be a romantic heroine according to contemporary standards. In the middle we have Emma Woodhouse, a meddling snob. She’s got a lot in common with Mr. Darcy actually and her character development in terms of recognising the bad behaviour she is guilty of and the prejudice she feels towards those of a lower social status is pretty similar. But while Darcy and his character development is held up as beautiful and heroic and romantic, Emma is frequently condemned as dislikable. I do wonder why that could be… Personally, I love Emma. She’s clever and shrewd and funny and, honestly, is there anyone who doesn’t think Miss Bates is annoying and doesn’t want to throw a tantrum at the prospect of being upstaged by Mrs. Elton? Are you, dear reader, such a paragon of rational enlightenment and charitable feeling? Would you instantly see through Frank Churchill and resist his flirtations? Would you be best friends with Jane Fairfax and not be just a little bit jealous of her and how much Mr. Knightley everyone seems to admire her? Have you never said something cutting and regretted it? Are you perfect, reader, ARE YOU? Come on. Emma is one of us. She messes up, she judges badly, she says cringeworthy stuff in inappropriate situations, she gives bad advice - she’s human. And she deals with it without losing her positive outlook and she does grow, enough to “deserve” her happy ending (though that’s a loaded concept) but not so much it’s unrealistic. And what makes her likeable through it all are that her intentions are good. Emma is not a bad person who has to become good and “be redeemed”. She is a fundamentally warm and caring person who needs to have some bad habits of thought and action corrected by guidance and experience. Emma’s intentions and understanding are good from the beginning.

Emma’s also interesting because, yes, she does change, but if you put her in the context of the genre she inhabits, she also gets to keep a lot. Basically, in another novel, Emma would have to pay significant penance for her bad behaviour before she would be allowed to marry Mr. Knightley and she would have to prove that she is a changed woman and is absolutely not going to continue meddling and will be a good and submissive wife. Usually this also involves giving up the dangerous reading of novels which have led her astray. Several points. Firstly, Emma is not a novel reader, she is a novel writer. Emma is described by various critics as “an avatar of Austen the author” and if you read the novel through the prism of Emma being an author, things become really fascinating. Beautiful, illegitimate Harriet Smith is the heroine of Emma’s novel and obviously Emma-as-author wants to discover that she is really the long lost daughter of Somebody and give her a socially advantageous marriage. Emma’s matchmaking attempts are the workings of a novelist plotting with characters. Emma is creating her own world. This is radical stuff, in a society where female novelists were looked down upon. Emma has the means and independence and cleverness to write a story of her own - and she is comically bad at it. This is one way in which Austen plays with genre. Secondly, it is not at all clear that Emma does give up her matchmaking at the end of the novel. Austen is coy when she floats this suggestion about Mrs. Weston’s daughter: “[Emma] would not acknowledge that it was with any view of making a match for her, hereafter, with either of Isabella’s sons”. Does this suggest that maybe Emma isn’t as cured as she should be? Thanks to Austen’s levels of irony it’s impossible to tell, which is the point. Thirdly, Emma is the only Austen heroine to have real financial and social clout. Emma really does rule Highbury and at the end of the novel, instead of being subsumed into her husband’s world, he in fact moves in with her (however temporarily). This is practically the Regency equivalent of her keeping her name after marriage. She and Mr. Knightley are social equals and she does not leave her home or her sphere of influence when she marries. The only other heroine this would be true of is, interestingly enough, Fanny Price. But Mansfield Park is notoriously inward looking and Fanny’s ending allows her to truly become a Bertram which is what she wanted all along for better or worse. And Fanny and Edmund’s social status and influence are much less significant that Knightley and Emma’s are.

Something else to bear in mind when thinking about Emma’s character is that, despite her social power and wealth, she also lives an extremely confined and limited life. She is essentially a carer for her stultifying and claustrophobic father. She has never left the environs of Highbury. She is surrounded by people who jump to her every command and shower her in praise, both deserved and undeserved. The only person who criticises her is also in love with her. The only eligible men in her world before the arrival of Frank Churchill are her brother-in-law who is 16 years older than her, and the obsequious vicar. Yes, she can remain a spinster but even a rich spinster cannot maintain the sort of power she currently holds when faced with a married woman like Mrs. Elton (who is a real threat to her), but her alternatives are bleak. A woman of her rank and fortune should be having a London season and meeting other young people of her rank and forming external connections. Because of her father’s passive control over her, Emma has none of these opportunities. Even Fanny Price travels more and meets more people than Emma does. Yes, Emma Woodhouse is handsome, rich and clever and has had very little to vex her, but I suspect that is probably Emma’s own view of her life and it is not necessarily accurate.

Okay, this post is already far too long so I’ll end my discussion of the novel here. There’s also a lot that could be said about Jane and Frank, Emma and Mr. Knightley’s relationship and more, but Emma is clearly the most important and, honestly, the most in need of defence!

Onto the adaptations, and I’ll try to be brief:

1. The Gwyneth Paltrow film. Jeremy Northan is divine though his hair could be better and he’s not my favourite Mr. Knightley, even if I do have a massive crush on JN. Harriet Smith is a not particularly attractive redhead which is… weird. Frank Churchill is Ewan McGregor but he has appalling hair so IDK what was going on there - such a missed opportunity. Gwyneth Paltrow as Emma is a casting disgrace and I honestly can’t bear to watch this film because every time she is on screen I cringe. The producers were more interested in the aesthetic than making a good adaptation. My grandma hated it. Enough said.

2. The Kate Beckinsale film. Honestly, I don’t dislike anything about this except that I wish it were a mini-series and the proposal scene is a bit… eh. But I think it manages to stay true to the book in a feature film and I love Kate Beckinsale’s Emma. She has the right mix of liveliness and arrogance for me. Mark Strong is a stern Mr. Knightley but he’s not too handsome. Frank Churchill is perfect in this adaptation. Controversially, this is my favourite period adaptation.

3. The Romola Garai miniseries. I love lots about this mainly because the length allows everything to be expanded suitably. Johnny Lee Miller is the best Knightley by far. The Eltons are fabulous. Frank and Jane’s relationship gets more time dedicated to it. The Westons and Bateses are great. Harriet Smith is dumbed down too much - she’s naive and not too bright but this adaptation makes her practically an idiot, almost as much a disservice as the 2005 P&P film’s character assassination of Bingley, though physically the actress is perfect and she’s very likeable. And I really do appreciate what they were trying to do with Emma. It was clearly an informed choice to make her bubbly and often silly and a chosen interpretation of the text and I respect that - better that than wilful misinterpretation which some adaptations go in for. I fundamentally disagree with it - whatever her faults, I don’t think Emma is silly and giggly and I struggle to believe this Emma is a 21 year old woman secure in her position as a social leader. Her mannerisms often come across very modern - her little waves, giggles and posture and this is very irritating because Romola Garai has done some fantastic period acting (Daniel Deronda, The Hour etc.) and these mannerisms aren’t consistent across the cast. I love Romola Garai and I think it’s an interesting choice of direction, but not one that rings true to how I see the character though.

4. Clueless. Clearly the best adaptation of Emma ever made. We all know it.

5. Emma Approved. Only seen a bit of it and didn’t warm to it. Should probably give it another go. Why did they change Knightley’s name to Alex? What the hell is wrong with George!?!?

Anyway, here are my thoughts on Emma. Hope they’re at least somewhat interesting. There is nothing I like better than rambling on about Jane Austen! :-) Thank you for giving me the opportunity!

[uk-news-talking-politics]

Coronavirus is political. Don't let them tell you otherwise.

By Alex Andreou

'Please do not politicise this pandemic'. It's the rallying cry of the clueless. There is nothing about this pandemic that is not political. This is a health emergency imploding inside a vacuum of ideals. A disease transmitted by populist rhetoric, compounded by strongman posturing. An existential threat born of a series of geopolitical choices.

It is quaintly traditional for opinion writers to find, in national emergencies, undeniable confirmation of what they have long advocated. Looking across news media, this virus appears to simultaneously confirm that we were right to leave the EU and wrong to leave it, that capitalism works as does socialism, that Boris Johnson is hopeless and also Churchill. Let me buck this trend by telling you how wrong I was.

Had you asked me a few months ago, which of my two homes - the UK or Greece - would I rather be stuck in during a hypothetical pandemic, I would have answered the UK without a moment’s thought. It would have been a no-brainer. The small, chaotic, disorganised, barely-out-of-financial-crisis nation of my birth versus the economic giant and paragon of efficiency that is my current home, fabled for its people’s affinity for calm adherence to the rules?

But I have watched in horror the dithering, inefficient, muddled way in which the UK government has handled this and the self-centred reaction of some parts of the British public.

'Are you an epidemiologist?' challenge the same trolls who, for years, have been telling us they've had enough of experts. Well, no. I'm not an epidemiologist. But I don’t need to be, in order to understand the science and make a judgment on the political choices that flowed from it.

It has been obvious to me, closely following the news in both countries, that the messaging in the UK has been vague, contradictory, even flippant at times. Nonsense about herd immunity and 'taking it on the chin', were replaced by half-hearted suggestions to wash your hands while singing, then, eventually, the urging of people to stay home. Unless they can't. The UK is still not in full lockdown.

A comparison of the timelines of infection and victims in both countries, side by side with the measures they imposed is hair-raising.

The UK had its first cases on January 31st and its first death on March 5th. It took another seven days for the risk level to be raised from moderate to high. In Greece, the first cases were reported on February 26th. The very next day a popular festival attended by around 70,000 people, the Carnival of Patra, was cancelled and a huge PR campaign began. On March 4th, social distancing measures were announced and TV spots and daily press briefings began. On March 10th, schools and universities were closed. By contrast, the UK government at that point allowed the Cheltenham Festival to go ahead - an event which attracts more than a quarter of a million visitors.

On March 13th, all bars, restaurants, cafes, museums, sports facilities and shopping centres were closed in Greece. On the 16th all non-essential shops and public buildings closed. Greece had four dead by that point. Partial school closures did not happen in the UK until March 18th. Pubs, restaurants, clubs and gyms were not closed until the 20th - disastrously announced ahead of time, so everyone could go out for a last pint. By this point, the UK had 3,983 confirmed cases and 177 victims.

The UK still has not gone into a true full lockdown of the sort Greece implemented ten days ago. In the last 14 days, the rate of increase in new confirmed cases in Greece averages nine per cent. In the UK that figure is just under 18%.

This doesn't mean things in Greece cannot still go to pot. People are beginning to relax, dangerously, to eye up possible Easter outings and gatherings. The health system here is incredibly rickety and could be easily overwhelmed. The remoteness which has protected many of the islands, could be their undoing, if the virus spreads there. But, at this stage, I can honestly say: so far, so good. And I cannot say the same, looking at the UK's measures. It has been consistently behind the curve.

Not to mention the procurement fiasco which has resulted in NHS workers having inadequate protective equipment. Not to mention the lack of testing in the UK - the thing the World Health Organisation said was the most key weapon against this virus from the start. Not to mention the joke of a government response to every challenge - 'we are ramping up efforts'. It is the equivalent of a teenager's 'okay, Mum, OKAY I'M DOING IT'.

Even down to the very basic misconceived idea of having a different minister do the briefing almost every evening, at a time when all good sense would dictate people need the stability of a constant point of reference.

So, no, I don't have to be an epidemiologist to know the UK has cocked up its response to this, in every conceivable way. And, no, I will not stop criticising the government for it. Because, without criticism from millions of people, clubs and pubs might still be open today and our health system overwhelmed. And, no, I will not stop 'politicising' this crisis. Because it is profoundly political. It is the consequence of a particular class of politician, who feels entitled to rule, without ever questioning whether he is capable of ruling.

There is no aspect of the political debate this virus does not challenge. Can a truly free market exist? Should the state be atrophied or muscular? Is an economy in the service of human happiness or the other way around? Can self-interest and common good be reconciled? Does the welfare system provide adequate support? Is paid work what forces us to be productive or does it take advantage of an innate need? What are the advantages of isolationism versus globalism? Who are the real key workers in our society? What is the role of expertise? Do we have the right work-life balance? Can we consume less to save the planet?

It seems to me that anyone calling for such a crisis not to be 'politicised' is just nervous about examining the answers they have given to these questions. The danger is that this will go the way of the gun debate in the US. Every time there is a mass shooting, there is a seamless transition from 'now is not the time to talk about it' to 'people just want to move on from talking about it'.

This crisis is political. If we ignore that, we waste the chance to review the choices that brought us where we are, and we compound the tragedy and loss of life.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #225

“i tried to write your name in the rain, but the rain never came.”

How many times a day do you check your cell to see if you have a text? Considering my dumb phone doesn't let me know I have texts half the time, I do multiple times throughout the day. Ever wonder if the person you hate will become the person you marry? HA HA YOOOOOOOOOOOO SARA AND I DID AND NOW I DEADASS WANNA MARRY HER TOMORROW How many times a day do you wash your hands? It varies. After I use the bathroom or if I'm about to touch food. You walk in on your parents smoking pot, what do you do? lol h u h How old were you when you had your first crush? Hell if I know. I do remember as a young kid though, I was very much "ew boys no thnx." Maybe like... 5th grade? When was the last time you asked God for something? A long, long time ago. Your opinion on smoking: Just don't, dude. It's money going towards gradual suicide. No one likes the smell. You sure won't like how it affects your body. It's an addiction/it's stressful to stop. I'm not gonna like, judge you if you smoke, but nevertheless, I'll tell anyone it's an awful idea. Make love or fuck? It depends on the mood. I was more into the former mood back when that even applied to me, though. Have you ever cried so much over something that later felt like nothing? Oh, I can assure you I have. The last time you were afraid of the dark was: I'm not really scared of the dark, but one time I got up semi-recently in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and after one incident, I was so, so careful and nervous to step on Bentley's tail. He lost his fucking mind on me when I did it once, of course on accident. The TV was off by this point, so I couldn't see well at all. I love having a dog that fucking scares me. How often do you say I love you to your parents and mean it? A whole lot. Your boyfriend/girlfriend say they can’t hang out & it’s been two weeks. You? I mean sure, it sucks, but if they're legitimately busy, they're busy. Have you ever wanted a wild animal for a pet? If yes what animal? I had a phase where I really wanted a fox, and now I am DEAD serious about fostering opossums at some point. When you go to sleep, do you have to have white noise or silence? SILENCE. Though I don't really get /total/ silence 'cuz I have to have my fan on. My room's always hot. Have you ever gotten in a fight with a teacher? No. Ever had a creepy dream about a teacher? No. Where were you when you had your first sleepover? Your house or a friends’? I believe I was at my then-best friend's house. I had suuuuch bad separation anxiety from my mom that I know I was older than most kids who did. What are you limits for doing stuff for money? I'd never do sexual favors or seriously hurt someone for it. Is there someone you are mean to all the time for no reason? No. I'll admit I'm typically rather short with Bentley, but Jesus, do I have reason. When you think of love what’s the first that comes to mind? Sara. How do you calm your mind and find peace when you are stressed? My best bet is going to sleep; that's pretty much, usually, my reset button. Have you ever given someone flowers? I gave Jason flowers once or twice. I gave my mom some for Mother's Day as a kid. How often do you get on Facebook? A couple times a day... mainly just to see memes lmaoooo. What day of the week is usually your busiest day? Good Lord, Tuesdays. I'm at school for 13 hours. Mostly sitting in the library waiting for classes, but. I do study a whole lot, though, and it's when I get a bunch of schoolwork done. Is there a place that you will never return back to? Idk. When was the last time that you created a PowerPoint? I'm actually working on/off one for FYS 'cuz we have to do this "Lifeline" thing where we introduce ourselves and give our stories. Guess who's not fucking ready. Do you like group work? NO. NO. Particularly if it's with people I don't know. Do you have any stickers on your laptop? No. Is music or the TV on while you complete this survey? I'm listening to Chase Holfelder's cover of "Kiss The Girl" rn. Does your grass need cut currently? No. Do you listen to Nirvana? Occasionally. What color are the doors in your house? White. Have your friends ever not wanted you to be with someone? Probably. What is your favorite use for whipped cream? I hate that stuff. What is your favorite flower? Orchids. And your favorite nut? Ew no thanks. Can you curse in a foreign language? Of course I know "fuck" and "shit" in German lmao. Are you fond of spaghetti? Hell yeah man. Have you ever played in the mud? I sure did zoom through it on my bike as a kid. Do you remember what your first real relationship felt like? That relationship ultimately led to PTSD, how could I possibly forget. Who can make you happy no matter what? Sara, Mark, and Game Grumps are particularly good at that. How tall are you? 5'4.5'' Are there any animals near you? No, I'm at school rn. Do have a lot of lists? No. Are you a godparent? No. Do you sleep too much or not enough? Eh, it depends on the day and my mood. Have you ever gone a full day without interacting with another person? Yep. How many relationships have you been in that lasted less than a year? Four. Where were you going the last time you were on a train? Never been on one before. Do you think having a bad temper is a sign of immaturity? I mean, no? It's an interesting question and I guess a "maybe," but. I feel this depends on the trigger. Have you ever been significantly more physically fit than you are now? I was a fucking yoga master babe in 9th grade, fuckin fite me. When growing up, did your parents keep the house very tidy? I guess? It wasn't dirty. How many watches do you own? Zero. Are there any ways in which you greatly differ from everyone else in your family? Political views, I guess? Or the fact I'm bi? I only know of one person in my extended family that's gay. Should teenagers be allowed to have their cell phones with them in class? No shit? Emergencies are a thing? BUT, respect the teacher, please. I cannot stand people using their phone in class, especially here in college. You're paying a shitload to learn. Spend that time as you're supposed to. Take education seriously. If your phone's on vibrate for said emergency situations, that's cool. Do you have any gay relatives? Lol oh. Yeah, Mom has a cousin. Have you ever had to have a pet put down? Yeah. Have you unfollowed, deleted, or blocked anyone on social media recently? I deleted my sister's mother-in-law in fury over her homophobia because I've seriously had it, then just a few days ago actually I went through my Facebook list deleting people I just didn't really feel connected to/didn't really care to follow their journey anymore. How many cups of coffee do you typically drink per day? Zero. Do you know what your vocal range is? It's not broad. I'd say I'm probably in a rank slightly lower than most women. What’s the biggest financial mistake you’ve ever made? I've never really been in the position to be capable of that. I've never had a source of income. If so, what sub-genres of metal do you like the best? Probably heavy. Or symphonic, though I haven't found too many artists in that sub-genre that I really enjoy. But BOY, when I do? I will BINGE that shit to the ends of the earth. Have you ever turned down someone who didn’t handle the rejection well? Ha ha oh man, I remember in 4th grade, this kid Nick was desperate to date me. It was endearing and cute, but he asked kinda obsessively. Then jfc, when I broke up with Tyler, you would've thought I was Jason and he was me, holy shit. How large is your largest scar, and what is it from? Well, I can't see it, so I actually don't know. I guess kinda long, but not wide. It's from a cyst removal surgery. Who was the last person you sincerely thanked? Omg, my Writing teacher. She really liked my writing on my essay. I was so flattered. When was the last time you went for a walk? Like, just a casual walk for the sake of walking? Not since I was at Sara's last. That was when my muscle atrophy was starting to get extremely bad though and I was very close to death omg. Have you ever been in a relationship where there was a large difference in maturity levels? I don't think so. When cooking a meal, do you clean up as you go or wait til you’re done? I don't know how to cook. Do you develop crushes easily? NO. I am soooooo romantically picky. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? A month or more with Colleen after we were evicted. That was a really good time, honestly, regardless of how we feel about each other now. I don't think anyone's done something so selfless for me, and we really did have fun. How bad was your acne when you were a teenager? I'd say it was normal for someone that age. Do you like salsa that has fruit in it? NO. Do you think stained glass windows are pretty? Hell yeah. That was my favorite thing about the church I grew up with; Catholic churches tend to truly have incredible stained glass. Are you scared of snakes? Nope, snakes are Baby. Have you had your wisdom teeth removed? No; I only have two, and I just slightly have enough room for them. Do you like hard or soft pretzels better? I strongly prefer soft. Have you ever been carded when buying something? Yes. Do you eat meat? Regretfully. Can you sleep with the light on? NOOOOOOOOOO. I have to truly be exhausted. Have you ever broken a bone? No, but I did fracture my wrist as a kid. Have you ever made ice cream in chemistry class? Bitch I wish, tf. Do you use the microwave often? Considering a bitch can't cook, yes. Microwavable meals are the reason I am alive. Have you ever painted a room? No. What’s in your copy and paste? This survey. Do you know anyone that’s painfully, socially awkward? Fuckin ME JFC. How do you usually pose in your pictures? With the left side of my face facing the camera (bc my hair kinda swoops over the right side), and I'll usually smile with my teeth or do a :D face bc at least I look happy instead of high with my squinty-ass eyes. :') Do you know anyone that absolutely freaks out if you try to take a picture of them? um????????? me?????????????? Do you pick on them for it and attempt to take loads of pictures anyway? If someone doesn't want me to take a picture of them, I absolutely don't push them 'cuz I totally get it. How’s your posture? Bad. Have you ever had to take care of a fake baby in family ed? Thank God in Heaven no. I. Would. Have. Raged. ^ were you a good mother/father? N/A What’s your favorite way to wear your hair up? My hair is too short for that. But I generally find french braid buns SO pretty. Have you ever read a ‘banned’ book? Uh, I don't think so. What does your screen name mean? Favorite animal, meerkats, + favorite artist, Ozzy Osbourne. Have you ever had to take a sobriety test? N- no wait. They were mandatory when I've gone to the ER for suicidal thoughts. Do you like movies more if they’re based on actual events? It doesn't really matter to me. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done with your cell phone? Idk, dropped it? What’s your opinion on gold diggers? Selfish, or smart? Both? Uh, I don't think it's exactly debatable to call it selfish... I mean, you're dating for the sake of monetary gain...? What would you do if your bf/gf was hitting on someone else right in front of you? I couldn't even try to picture her doing that, but obviously I'd be uncomfortable and jealous. What’s something you’ve done that you’ve sworn you’d never do? Idk, multiple things. Which ex of yours do you talk to the most? I only talk to Girt. Can you recall the first person you ever drank/got drunk/high with? I drank with family, probably, but I've never reached the point of being drunk, and I've never been high. ^ are you still friends? I mean, I love my family. Have you ever taken someone else’s vehicle without permission? No. What were you doing the last time you were videotaped? *shrugs* Is that something you’d be comfortable uploading and sharing? I don't know what it would be. Which friend wears the same size clothes as you do? Probably none? I don't have many friends to compare to. Is there anyone’s wardrobe that you’d like to steal? UM Suzy Hanson is a B A B E? ?? ? ? ??? I adooooorrrrre her clothing line (Psychic Circle), too, and so wanna buy something. Have you ever been lost in the woods? DARLIN I've watched The Blair Witch Project 2 much for that shit. What did you last stretch the truth about? Idk. Have you ever had withdrawals from something? Caffeine, and then WoW for quite a few months after I stopped playing for like, a year or more. Is there anyone on your friend’s list you know next to nothing about? I know at least one of Mom's friends that I've only met once, and briefly. How old is 'too old’ for you to date? I wouldn't date over 30 (I absolutely stg that has nothing to do with H I S age being 30 lmaoooo). How do you feel about guys in tight jeans? Skinny jeans look good on like, anyone. Favorite hour-long show? Uhhh idk. Well, at least out of the shows I used to like and would be most interested in watching, The Good Doctor. Favorite half-hour show? Meerkat Manor. Most people who’ve slept over at your house all at once? My current house? Just one, I think. Steak or chicken? Chicken. I'm piiiiickyyyy w/ steak. Is flirting really cheating? Yes, if you're clearly not just teasing. What’s something you own that’s /only/ of sentimental value? My pebble from my partial hospitalization program. What’s your choice of chips? Girrrrrllll gimme Cool Ranch Doritos. What song would you use to torture someone? i t ' s  f r i d a y  f r i d a y What is the weirdest compliment you have ever received? Probably that my nose was cute? If someone REALLY fat was upset, and saying how FAT they were, what would you say? First off, NOT say "you're not fat omg ur beautiful." I'M overweight and don't like when people say that. I'm perfectly aware that you're lying "for my own sake," which is sweet, but it's not helpful. Motivate me/the person to improve without being an asshole. Let them know I believe in them, which I do for ANYONE. If I could lose 60-70 pounds in a year, anyone can. What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a kid say? So when I was very little and my mom gave me orange juice, I freaked out because it had pulp in it. And what did I say? "I CAN'T DRINK THAT IT HAS NIPPLES IN IT" look idk don't ask but boy does Mom love sharing that story. A random stranger walks up to you and says 'you’re hot’. You say: Most likely "go away." Possibly "thank you, but please go away." Actually yeah, that's more likely. Like it's flattering to know someone finds you attractive, but yeah, that's just uncomfortable for some stranger to do that. I also wouldn't want to really piss the person off. Do you send messages on Facebook a lot? Definitely not. Almost the only person ever would be Girt. Have you ever gone to a strip club? No. Not my kinda scene. Like I absolutely will not think less of someone who does this, but I just don't like but moreso feel bad for men or women who reduce themselves to their sexual capabilities. Do you like Chinese food over pizza? Hell nah man. Pizza is supreme. What color is your watch? I'm not wearing one. I never do. Do you believe in love at first sight? Absolutely not. Visual attraction, of course that's real, but I promise you dear, you don't love someone upon looking at them. When you eat Frosted Flakes, do you add sugar in it? I hate that stuff. Who’s the biggest hugger you know? Ashley's father-in-law's mom. ... At least I think that's what she is? Do you want to change your name? Nah, it's fine. Have you ever tried to erase someone from your memory? Of course I have.

[skeletorific]

Less Muscle Than a Frown- A Bones and Brew Commission Fic

Whew, this has been a long time coming! I wrote this piece for @frankpanioncube who has been so completely generous and patient with me in all of this!

If any of you are interested in commissioneng me, feel free to DM me.

Also, light disclaimer: I do get into this a little bit, but I want to make it clear now, I’m doing my best to avoid the “girl not smiling? must be a bitch we need to fix this” trope. So I will get it out of the way that while my commissioner did request female pronouns, this story would have been the same for he/him and they/them. 

They didn’t know what to make of her.

They’d had customers who weren’t into their schtick before. Coffee shops inevitably got a lot of one-time customers just looking for a caffeine fix on their way through life. Some people weren’t into the energy they had going in the shop. Which was usually fine. Unless they were assholes. Then it was less fine.

But she wasn’t a one-time customer. She was in pretty much every morning, the same thing ordered every time, around the same time every day. She didn’t seem to dislike any of them. But she was just so...

“Stone-cold” Stretch mused, watching her as she walked out the door.

“PAPY, BE NICE.”  Blue chided absently, working on a frappucino.

“Can’t help it, bro.” He made a show of shuddering, lazy grin on his face as he leaned back against the counter. The cafe was closing in a couple minutes for their weekly staff meeting, leaving them to chat freely. “Did you see the look on her face when I tried joking with her again? Like talking to a mannequin. Couldn’t even tell if she got it. No smile, nothin.”

“be fair, maybe that’s cause it was one of your jokes,” Rus said quietly, smirking.

Stretch tossed a dishrag at him.

“PERHAPS SHE’S SIMPLY HAVING A BAD DAY,” Papyrus said. He was mopping across the room but the skeleton had sharp ears (metaphorically) for gossip.

“Talkin about the ice queen?” Sans said from the corner table. “She must be havin a bad day a lot then. I mean, has anyone here seen her smile?”

.....

Silence.

“Eeeexactly.”

“WELL, NOT EVERYONE IS NATURALLY EXPRESSIVE.” Papyrus insisted.

“SHE KEEPS HERSELF IN CHECK. I CAN RESPECT THAT.” Black mused.

“I mean, not that I don’t appreciate the merit of keepin your shit to yourself, but honestly, I can’t get a handle on her.” Red was picking his teeth with a toothpick. “Almost like she doesn’t like us or something”

“IF SHE DIDN’T LIKE US, WOULDN’T SHE STOP COMING?” Blue said.

“Maybe she just likes the coffee.”

“MAYBE ALL OF YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TO DO SINCE YOU’RE SPENDING TIME THINKING ABOUT THIS.” Edge grumbled, coming out of the office finally. Stretch and Rus exchanged an eye roll.

“c’mon, boss, you can’t pretend you’re not a little curious.”

“I AM DECIDEDLY NOT.”

“I bet I could crack her.” Stretch said.

“Pfft, how much.” Rus said.

“20 g.”

“man, you must really like giving me your money.”

“alright, why don’t we make this interesting then. if you crack her first I’ll give you 40.”

Rus smirked. “You sure you wanna make this a contest?” He crossed his arms.

“CONTEST?” Black said, eyelights brightening as he straightened up a bit. Blue acted like he wasn’t listening but it was pretty obvious his attention had perked up too.

“Yeah, hot topic, you want in?”

Rus shot Stretch a warning look but Black hardly seemed to notice the editorial. “HMM...WELL, I HAVE LESS TIME WITH HER THAN THE REST OF YOU...BUT I MAKE UP FOR IT BY HAVING ACTUAL CHARM, SO WHY NOT.”

“COME ON,” Papyrus said, frowning slightly. “IT'S NOT REALLY ANY OF OUR BUSINESS. IF SHE’S NOT SMILING, IT'S BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T FEEL LIKE IT. IT'S NOT OUR PLACE TO FORCE IT OUT OF HER.”

“Hey, no one’s forcin anythin” Red said. “If she don’t want to, she just won’t.”

“That mean you’re in?”

“Yeah, sure. Could use the cash. Plus....she’s kinda hot.” He grinned wolfishly.

“Pfft, figures.” Sans said. Red shoved his shoulder.

“Shuddup, you in or not.”

“Yeeeah why not.” Sans caught the disapproving look from his brother and shrugged, smiling somewhat apologetically. “Sorry, bro. Just lookin to mess with these nutjobs. Besides, it's not like we’re really hurtin anyone. Could do her some good even.”

Papyrus sighed. “IT JUST...FEELS INTRUSIVE.”

“How bout you, bro,” Stretch said, noting his brother was feigning far more interest in piling whipped cream on his drink than was necessary.

“WELL....” He was mulling it over, clearly empathizing with Papyrus’ sentiment but also chronically unable to avoid a contest of any kind. “....I SUPPOSE SMILING IS GOOD FOR YOU. AND REALLY, THE ONLY THING WE’LL BE DOING IS TRYING TO MAKE HER HAPPY OR LAUGH, RIGHT?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“...OK. IF ONLY TO KEEP ALL OF YOU IN CHECK.” blue said sternly.

Stretch grinned. “Of course bro.”

Black muttered something under his breath that sounded vaguely challenging.

“how bout you, boss?” Red said. “You in-”

“I CANNOT IMAGINE A BIGGER WASTE OF TIME’ Edge said, flipping through a binder that held records of the store’s financials. “NOW CAN YOU ALL STOP TALKING NONSENSE SO WE CAN GET THIS MEETING UNDERWAY?”

The contest began in earnest the next day. Rus, moving quickly, managed to maneuver himself into the cashier spot before the others even noticed her come in.

“Hey, sugar, how you doin?” He said, drawling in a slightly lower tone.

The woman didn’t so much as blink. “Medium double shot macchiato-”

“-with soy milk and a caramel drizzle.” He finished smoothly. “I remember.”

She seemed slightly taken aback. “Um....yes. Please.”

Good, he’d thrown her off balance. Now to hit with the big guns. He punched it into the cash register and looked up without moving his heads, hitting her with a 1000 watt grin. This thing was a force to be reckoned with. People behind her in line were already getting visibly flustered.

“That’ll be $4.65, darlin” He was practically purring it out, already mentally counting his gold...

A crumpled five dollar bill was shoved in his hand without so much an eye twitch. “Keep the change. Thank you” And she was gone.

Rus was left frozen in place. What the...

“U-um..I’ll have you-...uh!!” stammered the (very red-faced) gentleman who was next in line. “I mean....”

Stretch chuckled to himself as he started making the drink. Cocky bastard really did think he was hot shit with that. Still, seemed she wasn’t into his brand of flirting. Now, for an old standby...he subtly rolled his shoulder while he worked until he heard a familiar pop that made every one of his coworkers wince and glare at him.

“Double shot macchiato, soy, and caramel?” He said, pretending to scan the store like he didn’t know right where she was.

She stepped forward, holding her hand out. “Thanks.”

“Eh no problem.” He held the coffee out but didn’t hand it off properly.

She raised an eyebrow. “Um...”

“Go on and take it, all ready for ya.” He said with an innocent smile.

.....

She reached over and took it....pulling his arm off his body as she took it.

A couple of people in the shop yelped. She didn’t seem to have a reaction, just staring at the detached limb wrapped firmly around her cup of coffee.

“Ah, sorry about that.” He reached over and pried it off, fighting a grin. “Guess I was disarmed by your sunshiney presence.”

Nothing.

“Might have to hit the pharmacy for this” He said, examining the arm.

.....

“....Nah, guess with a little elbow grease I can get this to work.” He rolled up his sleeve. Come on, come on, that delayed laugh...

“Doesn’t that hurt?”

“...what?”

“Popping your arm out like that.”

“...no....not really...”

“Hm.” She nodded and walked off.

Rus burst out laughing once she left.

Stretch tossed his arm at him.

The next day Blue and Black decided to team up. Blue waited until he saw her car pull in and immediately wheeled out the mop bucket, starting to drench the floor in a way that would have made Edge rave about warping the floor if he had been there. He put up a wet floor sign while Black positioned himself so he could catch her once she inevitably slipped.

Blue did his best to keep his eye on his work, but he couldn’t help but hold his breath in anticipation as she walked past the storefront windows. The bell rang over the door as she entered, and Black tensed himself to pounce...

Squish squish squish. “Double shot macchiato, soy milk with caramel drizzle please.”

....No-slip shoes.

Black was cursing mentally, looking around the room for something to slide. Maybe if he got it under her feet-

“w-WOAH-”

He saw the figure sliding towards him out of the corner of his eye and before he could react he found himself knocked down. Another one of their regulars, who was bright red as they struggled to pull themselves off him. Coffee had drenched his shirt, and by the time Blue had helped the two of them to their feet he was soaked through. His tackler was apologizing profusely but Blue ushered them off before Black could realize his favorite leather jacket had probably just been ruined. The purple-toned skeleton was cursing to himself when he came back and stripping his upper clothes.

“I-I’m really sorry, there wasn’t a sign so I didn’t realize-”

“ITS QUITE ALRIGHT” he assured. Wait, no sign? Blue and Black’s heads snapped towards their brothers, who were hiding grins. Stretch was shifting something further behind the counter. Black looked downright murderous.

“WHY DON’T YOU GO ASK THEM TO REPLACE YOUR COFFEE. ON THE HOUSE.” Blue said quickly, nudging them in the direction of the counter while grabbing the mop and moving to distract Black.

“WELL...BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME?”

“THIS. MEANS. WAR.”

Next day the Fell and Tale brothers were on staff.

Papyrus and Edge continued to show no interest in the competition, Edge displaying visible irritation every time the subject came up and Papyrus lecturing the other four for nearly an hour about safety hazards after he found out about the mop stunt.

As for the other two...

“You wanna know what their problem was?” Red said, giving the counter a half-assed wipe. “goin practical. Stunts. Gags. too many movin parts means more chance that somethin’s gonna go wrong”

“True enough.” Sans said distractedly. He was currently more focused on stacking cups into a pyramid. Slow day.

“Now me, just gonna rely on the natural charm”

“Oh, then you’re for sure gonna lose.”

“Shut up man”

“Didn’t Rus already try flirting?”

“Rus tried smilin. Cocky bastard think’s that’s all it takes.”

“Since when are you Suzie social skills.”

“since 40 g was on the line. Now shut up, here she comes.”

Here she came indeed. The ice queen cometh. Red’s eyelights lit on the bass guitar strapped across her back.

Perfect.

“The usual, please,” she said, handing over her card.

“Comin right up, doll.” He punched it in and swiped the card. “So, you play that thing?”

“What?” She seemed to suddenly remember what she was carrying. “Oh, yeah. Guitar too.”

“You in a band, or...”

She shrugged. “Sometimes. I uh...also do a little background work for some local studios. If they need it. Its kind of free-lance I guess?”

This was the most he’d heard her talk in a while. No smile yet, but...He could feel Sans watching him from the machine and smirked slightly.

“So you’re good then. Professional.” He leaned forward on the counter.

“I um...like to think so, yes.”

“Y’know, Paps has been talking about trying to do an open mic night around here. you should come. Show me whatcha got.” He grinned.

“My music isn’t exactly open mic friendly. It's...a lot of death metal.”

....woah. Hot.

“That’s cool. Like, the screaming kind.”

“A little bit...”

“Here’s your order” Sans cut across him, shoving the coffee in between them and startling them both.

Red shot him a glare.

“Oh. Thanks.” She took it and turned to walk away.

Red suddenly caught a glimpse of a familiar pink shape on the ground. Oh shit, how the-

“Wait-”

PBBBBBBBTTTTT

She jumped, nearly spilling her coffee and looking down at the ground. A whoopee cushion.

Sans was losing his shit next to him.

She shook her head and continued walking.

PBT-PBT-PBT-PBT

Oh gods oh gods oh gODS- Sans’ eye was lit up blue with magic, pushing the cushion under her feet again and again with every step. She picked up the pace, practically running out of the store, which only added to the surreal hilariousness of the situation.

Red tackled Sans to the ground but by then it was too late and she was out the door. Sans was practically crying with laughter, gasping for air.

“I!! Hate!!! You!!!!” he said, shaking him by his shirt.

“Cmon, like you wouldn’t have done it if you’d thought of it.” Sans said, wrestling out of his grip

Red pulled him back into a headlock. “I was really fuckin close, dude!!!”

“Owowowow ok ok I give.”

He was about to refuse but then saw Edge glaring at him from the office. Red sighed and turned him loose, still fuming.

“Hey, cmon.”

“Asshole.”

“.....wanna do it to the next customer....”

“......yeah”

It was a long day for Edge.

The tactics only grew more and more ridiculous with each passing day. Rus seemed absolutely undone by the failure of his charms and suddenly was laser focusing his flirtation, much to the jealousy of his other customers. Stretch managed to negotiate a truce with Blue and Black and the practical jokes rose to a near dangerous degree. Red kept trying to resume the conversation but Sans ran interference every time. He seemed to have given up on attempting to win the bet and was instead focused on ruining for everyone else.

It was bedlam in the coffee shop whenever she came in. Edge tried to act as a restraint on it, but he couldn’t be on staff every minute of the day.

And still, nothing.

No response. Even kinder gestures seemed ill-fated. Blue tried leaving nice notes on her cup and the ink simply smeared on her hand. Black snuck flowers into her car only to see her a moment later trying to shoo several large bees out of her car. Pastries? Allergies. Red tried changing the playlist for a few days to death metal but had to turn it off after the sound was so loud that customers were forced to scream at them to communicate their orders.

If anything she grew more and more closed off with each passing day. She became jumpy whenever they got near and had taken to examining every drink they handed over for little extras (blame Rus for that one, he dumped some chocolates into her drink and they nearly choked her.)

All of them were there that day. Another staff meeting was due, they were just finishing up the last of it. She came in, ordered her drink, and then went to the bathroom. Papyrus, as had been his won't lately whenever he was on staff and she showed up, made a point to get between them and her whenever possible. He took her order with his usual friendliness and then went to make her drink.

“SHE’S BEEN DOING THAT A LOT THIS LAST WEEK” Black noted.

“what?” Sans asked.

“IT'S LIKE CLOCKWORK. SHE ORDERS, SHE GOES TO THE BATHROOM FOR A FEW MINUTES, AND THEN COMES OUT AND TAKES IT IN A HURRY.”

“.....huh.”

“Could mean nothing.” Stretch said quickly.

“....OR SHE COULD BE HIDING.” Blue said quietly.

“Uh...what? Bro, come on, why would she be hiding.”

“IF SHE’S HIDING, SHE’S HIDING FROM ALL OF YOU.”

Heads turned in the cafe. None of them but Sans had heard Papyrus sound that fed up with anything but the Annoying Dog.

“Pfft, what, she allergic to politeness now,” Rus said. His ego had never really recovered from his flirtation being so utterly ignored.

“ALL OF YOU HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLY OVERBEARING.” he was mixing furiously, a slight glare on his face like the machine had personally offended him. “ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS MIND HER OWN BUSINESS AND GET SOME COFFEE, BUT INSTEAD THE SIX OF YOU HAVE SPENT THE PAST MONTH HARASSING HER JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T THINK SHE SMILES ENOUGH.”

“...I mean, when you put it like that, uh...” Stretch tried for an awkward chuckle. “Sounds a bit-”

“CREEPY? UNKIND? OVER-THE-LINE?”

“WE DIDN’T MEAN ANY HARM!” Blue said, looking slightly upset as the realization hit him.

“IT DOESN’T CHANGE THE FACT THAT IT WASN’T A VERY GOOD THING TO DO. WE’RE HER BARISTAS, NOT HER MOTHER. OUR JOB IS TO MAKE OUR CUSTOMERS COMFORTABLE AND YOU-” He was squeezing the cup to tight and it popped out of his hand, hitting the wall and splashing everywhere. “SARD!!!”

“bro, we-”

He went to the back of the store to get a cleaning rag (and a new cup), looking visibly irritated.

“....shit.”

“I mean....just cause he read it like that, doesn’t mean she did...” Red said, scrambling for an excuse.

“Nah....nah he’s right.” Stretch said after a minute. “Went too far for a joke that...honestly wasn’t that funny.”

“I CAN.....ADMIT THAT I WOULDN’T APPRECIATE IT. IF SOMEONE DID IT TO ME.” Black said reluctantly.

“So what do we do now?” Rus said.

“WE SHOULD APOLOGIZE.”

“I’ll do it.” Stretch said. “I started this bet so...I’ll apologize.”

“Think free coffee for a week or so will make it up?” Rus said.

“I’ll talk to boss about it,” Red said. “But...he’ll probably go for it. If for nothin else than to get us to quit.”

She came out from the bathroom and seemed slightly let down that her coffee wasn’t there waiting. She stood near the exit, looking slightly uncomfortable and checking her phone over and over.

Stretch sighed and went over. “Uh...hey.”

She looked up, dread filling her eyes.

“Its fine, I just...wanted to talk.”

“U-um..actually I have this call I need to make. Can it wait?”

“....sure.”

She walked outside, lifting her phone to her ear. She kept walking towards the parking lot.

Stretch sighed. Shit...

“WAIT, DID SHE LEAVE?!” Papyrus had emerged, looking alarmed.

“uh...I think so...”

“SHE ALREADY PAID!” He was moving like a whirlwind, knocking several things out of his way in his efforts to get the drink brewed. The others were forced to back away from the growing typhoon of activity.

“Wait, bro-”

He finished it, faster than should be technically possible, and bolted out the door.

They didn’t see him for nearly an hour, by which time business had picked up and none of them had the free time to ask him what happened. He didn’t mention it again, and all of them forgot it had even happened until the next day.

She came in the next morning around her usual time. Stretch was running counter and managed to detail out an apology that sounded surprisingly sincere. No mean feat for Stretch. Her expression didn’t change much, but she seemed to untense a bit and was mostly gracious about it. She accepted the apology and tried to waive the chance for free coffee until Stretch insisted. She didn’t smile. But she seemed...pleased.

Rus started making her drink. Papyrus emerged from the kitchen with a pan full of fresh lemon bread.

“OH, WELCOME BACK! IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.”

She turned. “Oh, it's you!”

And her face split into the most breathtaking smile.

Rus damn near dropped the cup. Stretch’s eyelights briefly sputtered and it took genuine effort to stop his jaw from literally dropping.

“THE AUDITION WENT OK?”

“Yeah, thanks for making sure I  got the caffeine. Can’t believe I almost walked away without it.” Her eyes were bright and expressive and holy shit, it was real, it was real and hAPPENING IN FRONT OF THEM-

Somehow Rus managed to hand her her drink without incident.

“I should go. Bye Papyrus”

“GOODBYE! HAVE A GOOD DAY!”

She gave him another smile...and was out the door.

“Wha...” Stretch turned on Papyrus “how-?!”

He shrugged and disappeared back into the kitchen.

“.....how even-”

“Do we still have to pay him?!”

“I don’t think-...the bet was canceled right?!”

And Papyrus only smiled to himself.