#but with qi actually look up for the answer because he is competitive like that

[ryllen]

i’m sorry but it’s so funny to think that mint still delivers his joke blatantly while ignoring qi’s try-hard ass to get the answer right fshdhs [x]

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

New season! New season and it’s very exciting! New season!

I don’t know the season 13 contestants as well as I knew the season 12 contestants going in, so I’m not going to write a long preamble because I’m trying to go in with an entirely open mind and discover these people as we go. I know a bit about them. Sophie Duker’s the one I know the best, and I love her. Ed Gamble has assured me on the podcast that both Sophie Duker and Chris Ramsey have competitive personalities, and that tracks with what I know of them both (quite a lot about Sophie Duker, only a bit about Chris Ramsey), so I’m excited for that. For general competitiveness.

Ardal O’Hanlon was absolutely lovely in his WILTY and As Yet Untitled episodes. I’ve seen Judi Love on a few shows (The Last Leg, Unforgiveable, Catsdown), and to be honest her style of comedy isn’t my thing, but Taskmaster tends to show us different sides of comedians so as I said I’m going in with an open mind. And of course I know Bridget Christie from QI, where she’s had some quite funny moments. To be really honest, despite the fact that she’s made me laugh repeatedly on that show, I’ve never really taken to her. I don’t know why. I can’t put my finger on anything she’s done wrong. She’s done a lot of things right, like say things that make me laugh. But for some reason I never looked forward to seeing her in a QI episode, and occasionally found her mildly annoying for reasons I really can’t explain. Again, though: open mind. Given that my annoyance with her is very mild and exists for seemingly no reason, it will not be difficult for her to overcome on Taskmaster.

Okay, preamble over. Starting the episode. Thoughts on Taskmaster s13e01, written as I watch it for the first time:

- We’re starting with the season 9 field task but now it’s about finding things in a skip. These tasks are getting bleaker.

- Right, Ardal O’Hanlon has immediately endeared himself to me with a weird story about buying fake trophies to impress his dad. Classic situation to describe, really good way to describe yourself as sort of bumbling and awkward but with a bit of a competitive edge, which is how he came off on WILTY recently as well. Immediate Alan Davies vibes, though a little more engaged and trying harder. I realize I’m extrapolating a lot off one prize task entry. It’s all I have to go on. It’s kind of exciting to have all these new people that I don’t know within Taskmaster and mostly don’t know well even outside of Taskmaster, and get to guess what they’ll be like.

- Strong start out of Bridget Christie too. If that story about her finding that will in the skip and keeping it is true – and I can’t quite tell whether or not it is – then she is exactly the sort of person I want on Taskmaster. And if it isn't true, then she cares enough about doing well at Taskmaster to pretend to be exactly the sort of person I want on Taskmaster, and someone who cares that much is also exactly the sort of person I want on Taskmaster.

- I enjoy it when Greg expresses surprise the audience has cheered for something mundane. First of all, it’s Taskmaster, the entire s how is based around getting people to cheer for something mundane. Secondly, come on, man. There was/is a pandemic. They’re just happy to be here.

- Oh shit. Chris Ramsey bringing in a briefcase and then saying he won’t reveal its contents until the end of the show is a genuinely good idea. I am immediately impressed.

- Greg is right about that being some good bullshit from Judi Love about the 90s tape, and I do like a good bullshitter on Taskmaster. I’m going to come around on her if she keeps that up.

- Okay, Sophie needs to win this task because she brought in the genuinely best thing. Joke answers are fun, joke answers are great, but if someone actually does bring in something that answers the question the best they need five points. And that’s a nice couch. Also, obviously there need to be style points for physically dragging a couch in there. Fantastic, someone taking this game seriously.

- I agreed with most of that scoring except that Sophie should have been at the top. Though I do understand Greg rewarding the creativity of Chris creating intrigue by refusing to open the briefcase, and the fact that there is in fact “something rather beautiful about that will”. That was a strong prize task overall, with the three people whom Ed has described on the podcast as the most competitive - Bridget, Sophie, and Chris - having, in my and Greg’s opinions, the best entries. Promising start.

- Judi Love just walked in and said they’re making her wear boots even though a sign says no shoes in the lab. One: is that true? I haven’t noticed anyone taking off their shows for lab tasks before. And two: I don’t think contestants are normally asked to wear something specific in the lab or elsewhere, so that must be part of the task.

- I’d seen Bridget’s outfit already in the trailer, but somehow it looks even cooler now that I properly see her in an episode for the first time. Possibly because I’m now seeing it after she’s endeared herself to me with that story about the will.

- Still really enjoying the vibes of Ardal O’Hanlon, I’m not sure I was right about the initial Alan Davies assessment though. Alan would have been either sort of belligerent or just not caring if he walked into the lab and saw nothing on the table; Ardal is much more collected and pragmatic about it. I’m getting a bit of David Baddiel in his “Okay, I guess this is what I need to do next” attitude. Except that whenever David Baddiel said that, the thing he thought he had to next was wrong, while Ardal correctly identified that looking for the task would be the right move. Maybe I’m just unfairly grouping all the older white men together in my mind. Ardal O’Hanlon is his own man.

- Sophie Duker jumping for that task was adorable. I assumed that meant she must be short, since Ardal was able to just reach up and grab it. So I Googled Sophie Duker’s height, but Google doesn’t seem to know. Then Judi and Bridget also had to jump, so I figured maybe Ardal O’Hanlon is really tall. But I Googled that and he’s apparently 5 foot 9, which isn’t that tall. Are the three women shorter than 5 foot 9 by enough to make the difference between jumping and not jumping? Taskmaster often leaves me with many questions.

- Did Chris Ramsey just find a hidden clue, in the style of the “Under the Table” situation in season 2, by accident while looking for the actual task?

- Oh I see. The task is to find all ten ducks, so Chris Ramsey didn’t find some secret clue, but he will have a head start. He found that first duck before reading “Your time starts now” so I guess that won’t count against his time. But if the other four contestants have ever seen an episode of Taskmaster before, they should immediately look under the table so this wouldn’t put Chris Ramsey that far ahead.

- Never mind, I finished writing that and then played the video again and they said their time started when they entered the lab. So there was no point to anything I just wrote, and I could delete it, but I can’t be bothered. So when Bridget took extra time to jump up and try to get the task down, while telling Alex stories about her veins, she didn’t know she was wasting valuable time. I’m thinking of the “leave the room” task in Taskmaster NZ, when they didn’t realize they’d started the task and were judged on how fast they’d decide on their own to stop messing around. That would mess with my head so much if I were on Taskmaster; I’d have to operate under the assumption that moments always counted, just in case it was a surprise “your time already started” task. That would be a pretty good way to do well at Taskmaster but not a good way to be funny, and this is why I won’t get invited onto Taskmaster (well, it’s one of a few reasons).

- Chris Ramsey just got the task down while only slightly going up on tip-toes, and Google says he’s five foot ten. I guess that makes sense, since Ardal O’Hanlon had to go all the way up on his tip-toes and he’s apparently slightly shorter than that. And I was thinking that must make the women really short, but even if they’re an average women’s height of five foot six or seven, that’s still two or three inches shorter and that’ll be the difference between tip-toes and having to jump. I’m overthinking this. Sorry for the ruminations on strangers’ heights. I’ll get back to the comedy show now.

- Alex Horne: We’ve given them a maximum of twenty minutes because we thought it was going to be quite an easy task.

Me: I love it when Alex hits the contestants with completely deadpan sass, and I love it when Greg and/or Alex have cause to say “well obviously they’re smart and capable people who will not do this silly thing” and then they fall apart. Great introduction to a task. Let’s go.

- So far, Ardal O’Hanlon has failed to turn over a box to find there’s a duck on the other side of it, and then wandered out the lab against the task’s instructions. I might not have been that far off with the David Baddiel assessment.

- To be fair, I can’t see where in the lab those ducks would be either, besides under the table. But then I’m not there and can only see what the camera shows. I’d be pulling down the plastic sheeting if I were there. Strip searching Alex and the camera operators. Thoroughly examining the box that was under the table, even if I’d already found that one duck on the outside of it. Checking every part of the table, even under the legs. Figuring out if there’s some way to open up the table. Breaking the table in half if necessary. Checking the task itself. It’s bothering me that I’m not in there to do this myself. I could find those ducks.

- Ardal walking in with a chicken instead of a duck was funny. Ardal following up with a second chicken was funnier. Ardal is now walking back in with a third chicken and I lost my breath laughing. I’m walking back the David Baddiel assessment because Ardal keeps saying variations of “I know these aren’t ducks”, and David wouldn’t say that. David almost always thought he was getting things right in the moment, even when he was getting them wildly wrong. “This isn’t right but what do you want from me?” is much more of an Alan Davies move.

- Well now I feel chastised. I was just bragging about how I’d be better at this than the contestants, but even though I did notice earlier that there was probably significance to the boots that Judi mentioned, I didn’t think of checking them until Ardal brought it up. I thought of how they should strip search Alex, but not of how they should strip search themselves. Very clever.

- I paused the video to write that point after Ardal idly asked why he’d been asked to wear heavy boots. I mean, at the time, I didn’t think it was an idle question, I thought it was him figuring out the ducks were in there. But apparently he just said that rhetorically and then moved on. That’s a David Baddiel move if I’ve ever seen one.

- Wait, the ducks were in the chickens? So the chickens were in the lab? I thought he broke the rules and left the lab to get them, but if they were meant as part of the task then they couldn’t require the contestants to break the rules to find them. Where were they then? How many parts of the lab are not visible from the normal camera angle? I need them to film a tour of the Taskmaster house and release it on YouTube so I can picture the layout properly.

- Alex Horne: How many ducks have you found so far?

Bridget Christie: Stop talking to me.

I am coming around on Bridget Christie very fast. Especially if I remember that she’s already wasted time by telling stories about veins when she didn’t realize the task had already started. So now she’s trying to make up for that and get Alex to stop wasting her time by asking her questions while she’s on the clock. I approve.

- Not to be pedantic or anything, but that isn’t a piggyback. I can believe Sophie did it a lot at university, though. It’s the sort of thing people do at university. It’s also a good idea - I didn’t think of checking the ceiling. This task seems like a good way to get the contestants to tear part of the house apart.

- Sophie and Bridget did pretty well there. I think this task may have been legitimately harder than the creators thought when they placed that time limit, rather than the contestants just being bad at it.

- Greg is pretending not to understand the idea of people riding on each other shoulders, and I can understand why he’s doing that because it’s funny and he’s getting some sexual innuendos out of it, but given his height there is no way Greg has not had people asking for rides on his shoulders his whole life.

- Oh I see, the chickens were just inside the lab. Okay, that makes Ardal’s actions slightly less ludicrous. I thought he’d just wandered around the house and brought in the thing he could find that looked most like a duck.

- “Is this a box?” - Chris Ramsey, while clearly holding a box

- Hang one, I’ve just thought of something while watching Chris kick the shit out of that box. Is that the same as the box that Phil Wang brought in as a prize in season 7 and James Acaster called Greg a pussy for being unable to open it? And then Greg threw it across the room and it broke open, and the trick here is they have to realize they need to do the same thing? Because that would be a lovely little Easter egg, as a gift for us in the episode that airs right before Easter.

- Chris Ramsey, after finally getting into the box: That’s Richard Herring!

Alex Horne: What colour is he?

Me: I don’t know, normal colour I think, what does he...

Oh fuck you Alex. Fuck you for everything about that. Holy fuck that was funny, I gasped out loud, but if I’d been in Chris Ramsey’s position I’d have full-on punched Alex in the face. They’d have had to stop filming to deal with the nose bleed and also the legal issues around a cast member committing assault.

It wasn’t an Easter egg, it was red herring. Fuck you, Alex.

- Honestly, I was getting worried that they’d get through this whole task without anyone taking the opportunity that the show was clearly trying to set up for them to strip search Alex. Thanks for taking care of that, Chris.

- Judi trying just bending over repeatedly and claiming she’s ducking is actually not a bad idea, given the tenuous definition of “duck” used by some of the other “ducks” in the room. I think they should give her that. Let her duck ten times and have it count.

- Chris Ramsey, starting to lose it, while pointing to Alex’s cup: I bet there’s a duck in there. Why am I paranoid about ducks?

Me: Hey Chris. Hey Chris Ramsey. Hey Chris, man who has recently developed duck-related paranoia. Boo!

- “What’s in it for you is I’m not going to get pissed off.” I like Judi Love’s approach to ordering Alex around. Contestants should say that to him more often.

- Chris Ramsey has made some fantastic noises in this episode so far. The shouts and gasps of excitement when he finds thing he was looking for and of anger when he fails to do. He is already delivering hard on Ed’s promise to be unreasonably competitive.

- “Is there a duck on my face?” - Judi Love, outdoing Chris Ramsey in paranoia levels

- Ah yes, getting in the old classic “portrait of the Taskmaster” task in early. They often make tasks that require contestants to show love toward Greg, normally in ways that can have double meanings and one of them is sexual, but... I was about to say this is the first time they made them literally kiss his picture, but then I remembered that was an entire task in season 6. Also Joe Lycett did it all the time, but that was just voluntary, not part of the task.

- All right, I’ve just watched the whole lipstick painting tasks without writing any updates to this post, because to be honest it was such a weird and upsetting thing to watch that I didn’t want to stop in the middle. Just wanted to let the video run and get it done. Sophie Duker was... Look, I try not to focus too much on people’s physical attractiveness when writing about thing they’ve done as professional comedians, obviously I mention it at times but try not to make that the main focus because objectification bad, but it does sometimes happen on comedy shows that someone will say “I’m going to pretend to do something sexy and it’ll be funny, the joke being that of course it isn’t really sexy”. And very occasionally someone will do that and my response will be... I mean, it was funny, but also the joke doesn’t quite pan out the way you meant it because that actually was sexy and now I feel weird for thinking that about whatever weird comedic thing you just did. Sophie Duker in that outfit, making out with a canvas. That sure was something. Anyway.

- Judi Love just argued that Ardal talking shit about her terrible painting, even though Ardal has been very calm and hasn’t said anything like that in this episode so far, means her picture can really ignite a fire in people and that makes it true art. That is absolutely top-notch bullshitting, especially as something to come up with on the fly. The prize task defense was planned, but this was in the moment. Good job, Judi.

- We are barely halfway through the first episode and the general level of “banter” is already quite high. I don’t know if most of these contestants knew each other fairly well beforehand or whether they just had good chemistry, but it normally take a few episodes to build up this level of rapport within the cast in the studio. I like it.

- Ardal O’Hanlon just raised his hand and politely called Greg “TM” before speaking, but then the thing he said was taking a totally unprovoked shot at Sophie’s painting. I should maybe stop comparing him to any previous old man contestants, because I don’t know if we’ve ever had someone who combines demure politeness with that level of sass. I like that too.

- And now we have sniping between Bridget and Chris too. This is fun.

- It is cool that they haven’t run out of fresh ideas for tasks. A duel task seems like the sort of thing they should have used up ages ago, but they didn’t.

- Ardal O’Hanlon immediately invoking the legends of Monty Python in his duel, slapping Alex with a glove à la the fish slapping dance. Lovely artistic allusion there.

- I feel like Judi knows her version of this task isn’t a great duel, but just wants to take the excuse to hit Alex unimpeded. I respect that.

- While I’m comparing people to previous contestants, there are Katherine Ryan vibes in Judi Love sitting behind a shield like a queen and drinking a cocktail while throwing balls at Alex. A little Liza Tarbuck-y too. Again, I respect it.

- More solid bullshit from Judi, somehow explaining that that duel was an homage to the Taskmaster himself. This is the most I’ve ever liked Judi Love, as I hoped it would be, going in with an open mind about a comedian I haven’t much enjoyed in the past. I knew Taskmaster would show us another side, and it has: her Queen of Bullshit side. I hope this becomes her thing throughout the season.

- Ardal and Judi first, Bridget and Chris next. I look forward to seeing whatever Sophie did to have them save her for last.

- Bridget and Chris immediately have one up on the previous two by incorporating costumes, though Bridget’s is especially good. Where did she get those pro wrestling masks? Have they always been there, available to all previous contestants and just never used until now?

- Bridget may have confused a duel with a joust, but I still approve. I also approve of her using the Judi Love technique of setting up the rules to put Alex at a significant disadvantage.

- I can’t critisize Bridget too much for the duel/joust thing, as Chris Ramsey appears to have confused a duel with a children’s gym class game. Down to them wearing the correct uniforms for that.

- This is modern art:

- Oh shit. From the first shot I can see why they saved Sophie for last.

- Now this is a fucking duel.

- Holy shit. I let that whole rap battle play out without pausing to write about it, because you can’t interrupt art. Yeah, Sophie needs to win this task. That was really good. Combination of so funny that I could hardly look at it and spectacular. You have to go big in tasks like these. I’m not sure you always have to do rap battles, but that was a good time for one. I currently have a small tear in one eye from the combination of laughing and cringing. Amazing.

- Bridget should definitely have beaten Chris in this task, given that she did something remotely related to a duel and he played a children’s game. But Greg may have been blinded by the weird men in white vests situation.

- I’m enjoying Bridget combining the oversized boring t-shirt with the... whatever the rest of that is.

- Holy fuck, I’m really glad I’ve just moved into a housesitting situation in which I have a place to myself, because I laughed out loud pretty much throughout that entire live task. Really loudly. I could not stop laughing. That escalated so fast. Much steeper curve that most tasks, which get more difficult incrementally. I mean, this one did get more difficult incrementally. But they were huge increments.

We definitely got a little of the competitiveness out of Chris and Sophie that Ed Gamble has promised us. This task really did show who’s there to try hard to win, because it takes so much focus to keep up with all of that at once and you’re only going to last if you really want points. That was so entertaining. Amazing idea for a task. I’d be fine to stop varying the live tasks altogether, keep doing that task at the end of every episode but with different rules each time.

- Fuck you, Chris. Not showing us what’s in the briefcase after all that.

- I would like to apologize to everyone involved with season 13 of Taskmaster for my lowered expectations going in. I didn’t expect it to be terrible or anything, I just knew that season 12 had a bunch of people I already knew well and liked and this one didn’t so much, so I tried not to expect too much from it so I wouldn’t find it disappointing.

I was wrong. That was a great episode on its own merits, but specifically a great first episode, because first episodes are normally a little stilted as everyone finds their place within the cast, while this one seemed like they’d all been doing this together for years. Absolutely awesome. I am so excited for the rest of this season.

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: Nirvana in Fire, Episode 02

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Stuff)

Warning: Spoilers for All 54 Episodes!

A Cunning Plan

Let's start by checking in with the in-progress schemes. Nirvana in Fire features many, many overlapping schemes that stretch across multiple episodes.

Princess Nihuang's Marriage: Princess Nihuang is betrothed to a dead guy, and that's fine with her. If she needs tender emotional care she's got Xia Dong. Xia Dong is married to a dead guy so this works well for both of them.  

The Emperor wants to marry Nihuang off, because she's got a loyal heap of troops at the southern border, and he's a paranoid old fuck, who doesn't like anyone to have the power to overthrow him. Marrying her will sort of force her to hand her troops off to her impulsive younger brother, or something.

The Emperor has a soft spot for Nihuang, however, so he's allowed her to set a bunch of impossible conditions on the marriage, including a martial arts contest. NIF is a hybrid palace drama and Wuxia drama, so there are courtesans and backstabbing and sneaky maids and sneaky eunuchs but also, people can fly.

The two main power seekers, Prince Yu and the Crown Prince, have flunkies that they want Nihuang to marry, but their flunkies suck at martial arts, so if they want her to marry one of their dudes, there will have to be cheating.

Note that Nihuang's good friends Jingrui and Yujin are taking part in the contest to marry her, which might be weird, except they both know she can beat their asses so they seem to just be joining in for fun & prestige. 

The fact that she doesn't want to marry either of these loveable cuties means that she's pretty serious about staying betrothed to her first love, despite his apparent deadness.

(more after the cut!)

Recruiting Mei Changsu / Killing Mei Changsu: Team Prince Yu wants to recruit Mei Changsu. Team Crown Prince wants to recruit him or kill him, if recruiting him doesn't work. 

Mei Changsu acts like this is so tedious; all he wants to do is rest. But they only want to recruit him because he and his pal Lin Chen made them believe he is the answer to their problems.  Whenever Mei Changsu acts annoyed at something, it's probably something he actually orchestrated. "Pork chops again?" (secretly buys more pork chops).

The Duke Qing/ Landgrab Case: In Episode 1, the Jiangzuo Alliance protected some witnesses against Duke Qing in an enslavement/land grabbing case. It's difficult for me to find anything about historical land grabbing in China because Google is full of 21st century land grabbing information. Anyway Duke Qing works for Prince Yu, so the witnesses are (whether they mean to be or not) on The Crown Prince's side. The Emperor has an interest in this case, because land grabbing is bad, apparently, even by corrupt-emperor standards. Xia Dong is in charge of investigating.

The Chiyan Army Case: This is the big conspiracy that the entire show is about. 11 years ago, the Emperor received evidence that Prince Qi, Lin Xie (Mei Changsu's father), and the entire Chiyan army were going to rebel. This was supposedly reported by Xia Dong's husband, Nie Feng, before Lin Xie supposedly killed him. The emperor ordered executions for everybody.

Prince Jing thought this was a bunch of bullshit and didn't hesitate to say so, which got him sent off to distant regions to do army things for years at a time, and landed him a place high up on the emperor’s shit list.

The Hazelnut Pastry Scheme: This is a small scale, benevolent scheme, in which Concubine Jing will eventually stop making cookies with hazelnuts in them, because Mei Changsu is allergic to them. 

Ok, that’s the scheme roundup for this episode. On with the show!

Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

After a quick expository chat between the Emperor and Gong Gao, laying out the reasons for the Nihuang Marriage Scheme, we go to Prince Yu’s place to watch superhot Meng Zhi, commander of the emperor's guards, whip some ass. Not, alas, literally.  Despite his leather shoulder thingies and his handsome beard, and his commanding ways on a battlefield, when it comes to interpersonal relations he is pretty much a labrador retriever puppy in human form.

Meng Zhi is kicking the asses of Prince Yu’s fighters to determine if they're qualified to compete in the Marriage contest. They are not. He points out to the Prince that they can't put such terrible wimps into the competition because it will make the country’s defenses look weak.  

This beatdown is observed by Prince Yu and by Xie Yu, who Prince Yu thinks is on his side. Xie is 100% on the Crown Prince's side, but is carefully hiding that fact; he has his son working for Prince Yu as part of his cover.

In determining how severe an ass kicking is, everyone talks about how many moves it takes to defeat someone, like it's chess. Meng Zhi can beat literally anyone else in the show. He's number two on the Langya List of fighters & we never meet #1.

Fe Liu Was Fast as Lightning

Mei Changsu is hanging out in the garden at Xie manor while Fe Liu jumps around. Fe Liu wants Mei Changsu to play Roblox with him, and pouts when MCS opts for staying in the garden and reading a book.

Fe Liu is utterly devoted to Mei Changsu; I really love their relationship. Fe Liu’s backstory isn't fully explained in the show, but apparently he was raised from an early age to focus on being extremely lethal, and didn't spend much time learning to talk or other skills, making him the epitome of the asynchronous/ gifted teen. Mei Changsu isn’t who raised him to be like this; MCS and Lin Chen rescued him, which is why he is now Mei Changsu’s personal murder pet.

Fe Liu is both a complete fantasy character and also a really believable teen, beautifully acted by Leo Wu, who DMBJ fans know from Tomb of the Sea, and who Xiao Zhan fans know from Battle Through the Heavens.

Fe Lui promptly gets into a fight with Meng Zhi, who's visiting Xie manor. All Fe Liu was doing was leaping about the rooftops like an assassin, but since Xie Yu is the sort of guy that a lot of people would like to kill, Meng Zhi doesn't think this is so good. They have a hilarious, entertaining fight with many, many wire-assisted moves.

They're pretty evenly matched, and Xie Yu watches them with extreme interest until Mei Changsu shows up and tells Fe Liu to stop. Xie Yu is watching because he needs to know how many dudes he should send to assassinate Mei Changsu. Answer: more. Always more.

Unfortunately, (or fortunately since it’s probably all part of MCS’s plan) Fe Liu's extreme skilz make it obvious that his boss is someone important. Mei Changsu discusses this with Jingrui and Yujin in an open-air setting where Jingrui's brother Xie Bi can totally hear them.  In no time flat, father and son have reported his identity to their respective princes.

Over at Prince Yu's place, Qin Banruo and her awesome eye makeup join the party. She's Prince Yu’s advisor/manipulator, working for the (fallen) Hua kingdom, led by the (deceased) Princess Xuanji . She has a network of spies who work for her, that she deploys for Prince Yu's schemes. Her ultimate goal is not to help him, however, but just to fuck up the Da Liang Empire, which conquered the Hua.

(Nearly) Everybody Hates Jingyan

Xia Dong heads out on her assignment in the Land Grab Case, and Nihuang goes to see her off. They talk about gender expectations and how annoying it is to have to marry a dude, and briefly hang out being WLW goals with their mutual devotion, excellent fashion sense and deadly fighting abilities. Nihuang, in particular, wears the prettiest things and also stands at attention like she's commanding an army; I adore her.

They're interrupted by the arrival of Prince Jing, who is greeted cheerfully by Nihuang and eye-rollingly by Xia Dong.  

He's wearing an awesome brass-and-blue armor that we never see again after this episode. It's too bad - it's a good color for him and it has a cool vampire cloak with a high collar.

Prince Jing takes the opportunity to snark at Xia Dong about her investigation and the Xuanjing Bureau’s penchant for inventing finding conspiracies, and then rides off before she can reply.

This leads Nihuang and Xia Dong to get into their chronic argument about the Chiyan Conspiracy and the Lin family, and then Xia Dong hits the road.

Prince Jing and his subordinates stand around outside the palace waiting to report to the emperor while the emperor ignores him. They get sweatier and sweatier while they wait. which makes me like the Emperor a little bit more.

Prince Yu and CP Xian are busy sucking up to the emperor as they look at a manuscript. They are a bunch of assholes and you can see that Gao Zhan isn't a fan of this bullshit.

Eventually Gao Zhan reminds/persuades the emperor to summon Prince Jing, whose brothers snark at him like a couple of 12 year old girls while he radiates manly vigor and handsomeness.  

Consort Jin is bummed that she can't see Prince Jing for another 5 days, and her maid sidekick says random comforting things. This maid, Xiao Xin, is actually a little snake, who works for Qin Banruo's network. We don't learn that until sometime later.

All of the maids have this same hairstyle. If you are a westerner and you think this hairstyle is crazy, have a look at some Roman and Byzantine historic hairstyles. I'm not saying this hairstyle is NOT crazy, mind you; just that crazy hair was a feature of many, many historical empires.  

Consort Jing has someone deliver her hazelnut cookies to Prince Jing; she doesn’t know about Mei Changsu yet so hazelnut is still on the menu. Nicest mom. Also smartest, helpful-est mom, as the story develops.

Suck-Up Contest

At Xie manor, Xie Bi tries to get Mei Changsu to go meet the Empress, who has stopped by with Nihuang specifically to meet him, as part of the Recruit Mei Changsu scheme. Jingrui says nope, fuck that, he's not going to be a pawn in your political games, fuck off. We get to see Jingrui being steely and righteous, which is both cool and hot. Nihuang should totally marry him.

The Empress is annoyed that Mei Changsu doesn't show up, and Nihuang is like, it's ok, I don’t actually give a fuck about meeting new men. But I did want to meet his murder puppy Fe Liu.

Grand Princess Liyang says they don’t need to bother meeting pugilists, despite her son being one and her supposed best friends/co-parents also being pugilists.

Grand Princess Liyang will probably be glad Mei Changsu didn’t come to her little party, once she realizes what tends to happen when Mei Changsu comes to a party.

Then we go to the suitor tournament, in which everyone more or less sucks.

The princes really want to go over to Mei Changsu’s balcony to meet him, and they have a hilarious silent interaction where they both try not to be the first one to move. They finally cave, and go together.  

Then they compete to see who can be the most cringe and blow the most smoke up Mei Changsu's ass.

They ply him with gifts and flattery, which he mostly manages to resist.

Cookie Time with Granny

Then they get summoned to go meet the grand empress, who is (I think) the mother of the previous emperor, the grandmother of the current emperor, and the great grandmother of basically every highborn character of the current generation, including Nihuang and Yujin, although it’s not clear where they sit in the family tree. Historically, cousin marriage - particularly of maternal cousins - was no big whoop in China, so it's not surprising that a lot of nobles would share a great-grandmother.

The Grand Empress is a sweet lady with dementia. She can’t figure out who the hell anyone is. First-time viewers feel the same way.  

Her dementia is pretty well depicted, unlike a lot of TV dementia, or at least it matches up to my experiences with my own elders. She remembers the distant past more vividly than recent times; when she understands who’s in front of her she connects with them emotionally, but she falls off track easily. And she projects the identities of people she misses onto people who are around her.

Like many other grannies, no matter who is visiting, she wants them to 1. get married 2. produce offspring 3. eat something, you’re so skinny

When Mei Changsu meets Granny she immediately calls him Lin Shu, either because she recognizes him or because she really misses Lin Shu, or both. She calls Nihuang over and joins their hands, and Mei Changsu grabs onto Nihuang's hand and holds it for a while.

Everyone thinks it's adorable that Granny has dementia and is confused about that guy who was horribly killed, except Nihuang, who was already checking Mei Changsu out and is somewhat verklempt. She might have to revise her anti-man feelings a little bit.

Everyone leaves, and Nihuang hits up Mei Changsu to take a walk with her, casually mentioning that she could have his hand cut off for touching her, but since she's not in the mood, he's ok.

She prods a bit to find out what he's doing in town and what he's up to. “Do you have a girlfriend? Like a serious girlfriend or just a stalker who works for you?” She asks him which of the two princes he's going to support, but they’re interrupted by a eunuch beating a slave child. That’s the price you pay for trying to have a date in the palace, I guess.

[oneiriad]

A potential prompt for you: What if, contrary to Wen Qing's belief, it was actually possible to re-form one's core when one has it taken out (rather than burned out by Wen Zhuliu)? It just requires a lot more concentration and self-discipline than forming it as a teen/the first time?

Nobody can really find it within themselves to be mad at Jin Ling for letting it slip. He’s young and that night at the Temple had been a crowded, confusing, traumatic time for all of them.

It’s not his fault that he couldn’t remember exactly who had been a) present and b) conscious during which revelations.

And really, a nice, private working lunch for just the four major sect leaders during the latest discussion conference in Gusu - is not the worst place he could have made a throwaway comment about Wei Wuxian’s golden core or - rather - his lack thereof.

“It’s funny, though,” he tells Sizhui, later, once his uncle Jiang Cheng has stopped yelling at him (because that’s how Uncle expresses his emotions, even when he’s not really angry), “’cause Uncle and Zewu-Jun both pretty much froze as soon as the words were out of my mouth- Zewu-Jun even had his hand raised as if he was just about to use freaky silence spell you Lans have. That’s when I remembered that Sect Leader Nie had been out cold during that whole bit, and we all looked at him, except - he was just doodling and didn’t look up at us until he noticed it’d gone quiet. And then he frowned at us, before going “ah” and folding his fan...”

But anyway, nobody - least of all his Uncle Wei - can find it within themselves to blame Jin Ling for the fact that Nie Huaisang now definitely knows.

It’s not like people weren’t eventually going to start finding out anyway...

***

The biannual Qinghe Games were not officially one of the various occasions for the cultivation world to assemble and - in good times - mingle. This was because they were mostly organized and financed by the Qinghe Merchants’ Guild with some donations - mostly prices and plenty freshly caught boars for the banquet - supplied by an anonymous local sponsor and most of the speech-making and problem solving falling to the Emperor’s local officials.

Nevertheless, the Games generally attracted quite a few cultivators, rogues as well as those affiliated with major and minor sects. Not quite enough on most occasions to make non-cultivators entirely give up on participating in the archery contests, but even when that happened the high point of the games remained the polo, where well bred horses was a far greater advantage than any golden core.

The invitations, delivered by a somewhat harried Nie disciple at the gates of the Cloud Recesses, were written in the most aesthetically pleasing calligraphy and distributed by a couple of the younger Lan disciples, who had already mastered the art of not exactly running.

Well, most of them. One of the invitations caused the senior disciple passing them on to frown and eventually send for young Lan Sizhui, reasoning that it would be preferable to trust the youth rather than sending yet another junior disciple off to fall under the spell of the dark forces outside their walls.

Said dark forces spent a fair amount of time staring at the words of the invitation.

“Are you sure this is meant for me?” Wen Ning repeated, and Sizhui repeated his assurances that there had been no mistake.

“Oh.”

***

Wei Wuxian hadn’t seen a lot of Wen Ning since they’d all arrived at Qinghe. They’d all been getting settled in some very comfortable guest quarters at the Unclean Realm, fresh from the road, when Nie Huaisang had appeared to greet them surprisingly briefly and then proceed to steal his fierce corpse.

He might be worried what the Nie sect leader was getting up to with Wen Ning, except he’d gotten the occasional glimpse of them in the days since. During the archery contest they’d sat next to one another at the viewing platform, Wen Ning clearly entranced by the competition.

It was nice to think that Wen Ning was making friends.

It was less nice to get ambushed by them.

It had been a pleasant day - watching polo matches with Lan Zhan at his side, happily buying him various treats from the roaming vendors, then just strolling around and having a quiet dinner at a local restaurant.

It had been a bit less pleasant and a bit more suspicious to come back to their rooms and find a small stack of paper on the desk and a Wen Ning who looked at once guilty and excited sitting next to a very suspicious looking Nie Huaisang (though, to be fair, Wei Wuxian could hardly be blamed for always feeling that Huaisang looked suspicious).

It was Lan Zhan who sank gracefully down behind the desk to examine the papers, picking them up and starting to read. Then he froze - just for a moment, and anybody who didn’t know him well might have missed the widening of his eyes, but not Wei Wuxian - before going through them with startling haste.

Lan Zhan put down the final piece of paper and turned to Nie Huaisang.

“Will this work?”

“It should. That’s why I needed Wen-gongzi. I needed somebody who would know the more technical aspects of how Wen Qing accomplished what she did. If it was similar enough.”

“Similar enough to what?” Wei Wuxian demanded, picking up a conveniently close jar of Emperor’s Smile to gesticulate with. “What is this, Nie-gongzi?”

It’s Lan Zhan who answers, though.

“It’s a training program. For reforming a golden core.”

Wei Wuxian drops the jar and almost chokes on the wine he was just pouring down his throat.

“What? How - how do you even have something like that?” he demands, once he’s done sputtering.

“As you know, my Nie sect’s cultivation comes with - some very unfortunate side effects. Over the years, different techniques have been tried to stall the qi deviations. One of the more successful in that regard, though the side effects make it one rarely used and utterly unsuited for any truly powerful cultivator, is the careful removal of the golden core. If done correctly, this is followed by a few years of hard training and a new golden core will form.”

Wei Wuxian is rarely at a loss for words, but just this once - just this once, he finds that he needs to let Lan Zhan do the talking for him instead of the other way around.

“Side effects?”

“Irrelevant in this case. The side effects are from the first part of the process, and to be perfectly frank, the most significant one is needing to temporarily pass a significant part of the cultivator’s control of his saber into the hands of a trusted fellow Nie disciple for the duration - which is not a problem Wei-gongzi would be facing anyway.”

“Years?”

“It’s not a fast process. From what I understand, it requires as much unlearning and undoing as it does forming the actual new core. But it can be done. It has been done. And I am confident that if anybody would be able to find ways to speed up the process, surely it will be the renowned Yiling Laozu.”

[orsuliya]

Since you do such detailed asks and give a well thought out answers, I want to know your opinion on the Ma brothers. Zilong, Zilu and Zitan. What do you think about them?

Ah, our three intrepid Ma princes... Wait a minute, why three? It's not like we're in a fairytale and while Zitan is certainly a fool, he's not nearly good-hearted enough to play the role of Ivan the Fool.

But seriously, it seems mightily suspicious of Daddy Emperor to sire three sons in quick succession and then, as far as we know, never ever procreate again. He's an Emperor and obviously fertile, so how come the imperial nursery remains so glaringly empty? Could it be that he has no concubines at all except for his beloved Xie Guifei?

Or... has the Empress been aborting babies left and right, and poisoning her way through swathes of women to boot? Not impossible, knowing her temperament, but it doesn't really make sense within the dynamic presented in the drama. Drama!Emperor hates, hates, hates the Wangs and especially his wife, so it's hard to believe he wouldn't have used this juicy tidbit to weaken their influence. In the book Wanru is allowed to run roughshod over Potato's concubines and feed them contraceptives willy-nilly, but that's because Potato doesn't really care. The Emperor, as we see him in the drama, would have found reason enough to care upon being given such an obvious opening to start a smear campaign against his favourite enemy. Stymying the imperial bloodline?! Why, I think it might be a crime and easily provable one at that!

This leaves the other option - perhaps there aren't any concubines in the palace or, if there are, they're not being, pardon my French, bred. It's not that multiple imperial concubines of lower rank aren't a thing in this universe - Potato gets at least two and possibly more after sitting on the throne for a relatively short time. It's a pity we don't know what's the policy on entering the palace. Is there a multi-stage selection process? There is certainly no indication of that! Xie Guifei might have been an attempt to balance out a Wang Empress, Seagull was Zitan's impromptu choice, Miss Screecher was meant to be chosen by Potato outside of any organized selection and the same could be true for Potato's other concubines. Our only outlier might be Zilu's Mom and even then it's rather doubtful she was ever processed properly as it would have required a lot of effort and luck to conceal an already existing pregnancy. No, Zilu's Mom was most probably a gift of 'peace' from one brother to another.

My guess as to what Daddy Emperor is thinking? If Zitan has been his preferred heir from the start and he very well might have been since it never had anything to do with Zitan's actual qualities, then it's possible that he simply didn't protest - or did so in a purely symbolic manner - when the Wangs started limiting his reproductive chances. Why breed competition? We already know he has no use for any sons lacking powerful backing of their maternal clans, see: his treatment of Zilu. And any son with such backing would be a direct threat to his favourite, not to mention a potential upset to the carefully maitained Wang-Ma-Xie balance.

...or it could be that Daddy Emperor really loved Xie Guifei and wanted no other. Seeing as he's strongly implied to spend his nights in her chambers twenty years after their only and last kid was born, this would make a staggering amount of sense. The same principle applies - he'd still not protest Wang tyranny over the inner courts, only he'd do it for Xie Guifei and not for Zitan. It does seem to fit with Daddy Emperor's general mindset. Let the others do open battle and exert all that effort, he'll just sit there, look sage and reap the benefits!

After this rather senseless and overly long prelude, let's finally get to answering your question. Mind you, those are not going to be organized, thoughtful opinions, just my subjective impressions on each and every Ma Prince.

His Imperial Spudness Ma Zilong

The not-so-little Potato that could not, but still tried! Let's start with the elephant in the room, namely his rapist tendencies or the lack thereof. See, I'm convinced that raping Awu wasn't actually in the cards, at least as far as Potato was concerned. Compromising her, sure, just lure her into an emptied palace and cry wolf. Outright raping her, no, if only because Potato is way, way too weak and soft to execute a plan this ruthless in its entirety. Besides, harming Awu to this extent would be risky as all hell and sure to provoke authentic wrath in both Daddy Emperor and Daddy Wang. The Empress is not stupid enough to give her husband the perfect excuse to do away with her son nor to alienate her main supporter in the same move. Even if she was able to force a marriage in the first place, Potato would be pretty much done for politically unless both Daddies suddenly dropped dead. The most she would be able to get would be a grandson in a privileged position, so she'd be back to square one, only with one more female to share power with. No, what Potato did and what Wanru suffered was mostly courtesy of Zilu's suspicious drugs. Not to say Potato isn't a rapist all the same, but I'd argue for diminished capacity.

As for Potato himself in his shining spuddy glory, I truly pity the man. From time to time we see glimpses of the ruler he could have become and whom he still tries to be, and it becomes clear that there was something there worth cultivating. The problem is that nobody could be bothered to even try. Daddy Emperor certainly didn't, leaving Potato pretty much to his own devices and believe me, it had nothing to do with his talents or the lack thereof. Do you remember that lovely family scene at the beginning of episode 1.? You know, the one where Awu, Zilu and Zitan lure Zilong into a trap and then leave him there to lie amidst icy rocks in the middle of winter? He could have easily hit his head and died right then and there. Or get pneumonia and die a little bit later. Does the Emperor care? No, not at all! Baby!Awu isn't that good of a liar, but even if she was, perhaps it would behoove him to actually investigate. Not from any kind of fatherly feeling, let's not expect miracles, but perhaps from political expediency? Yeah, no. And I doubt that was the only incident of this kind. Potato must have known even this early on that his father doesn't care for him, not even like an Emperor should for his eldest male scion. Moreover, there is no way Mommy Dearest wouldn't harp on about the Emperor's negligence in private, further affirming this awful truth in Potato's mind.

Mommy Dearest might care, but her care is no less toxic than Daddy Emperor's open negligence. Potato is her key to power, her only way to win the game of thrones and make all her sacrifices worthwhile... and this is exactly how she treats him. Oh, she loves him well enough as her son, clings to him in his role as Crown Prince and then Emperor, but she doesn't actually like him as a person. And oh boy, does it show! I get it, he's not this perfect shining prince that would justify her long years of suffering, but then I have this feeling she gave up on him the moment he showed himself to be perfectly average. Sure, she offers him (toxic) love and (conditional) support like nobody's business, but there's always this nasty undertone in their relationship. Mommy knows best, don't even try to think on your own, listen to me and only me. It's no wonder that Potato thinks he's perfectly useless and doesn't bother to try and better himself, if he knows that even his own mother sees him as a perfect nincompoop. Uncle Wang's open derision isn't helpful either!

And yet Potato is, deep down, a decent enough man. Better than the average Ma, I'd say. I mean, he has some scruples! They might be really, really tiny, but they're there, even as he's being subjected to a barrage of mental attacks from both his mother and his wife. Why, given proper support and a competent cabinet, he'd make a somewhat ineffective, but decent enough ruler, his handling of the flood crisis shows us this much. Potato's best quality is that he really tries. Oh, he fails, but he's no Zitan, content to sit in his room and mope while the country goes to hell. When it's important, he can make actual decisions! Which he may then go back on (or not), but it still counts. Also, he's not petty. Like, at all. He'd like nothing better than for everybody to get along and have lots and lots of plump babies. Even his decision to do away with Xiao Qi is not motivated by jealousy, no matter how hard Wanru and Mommy Dearest keep pressing on that particular button.

Is he childish? Yes. But then, he's never been given any real responsibility and for years and years languished under the care of a helicopter parent who never forced him to man up nor face actual reality, hence his disillusionment with Wanru, once she stops being this perfect smiling automaton. Is he selfish? Oh yes and it shows nowhere better than in his last will. But even so, such selfishness is pretty much par for the course when it comes to the Mas and at least Potato didn't wreck a country for the sake of personal spite, which puts him way ahead of his father, uncle Jianning and bro Zitan. And perhaps even cousin Zilu, who cared less for the country than for Huanmi.

At the end of the day, our humble root vegetable is a tragic figure. I can't help but pity him every time we see him bloom under somebody's attention. Give that man some respect and he'll pay you back with the same, weird comments about killing you nothwithstanding. And he did give us Miracle Baby, Our Lord and Saviour!

Our beloved Groomzilla, Ma Zilu

Daddy Emperor must have been stupid, high, blind or all of those in order to let Zilu and his beautiful brain slip through his fingers. He was right there, that defenseless, motherless boy and ripe for the taking too! If after years and years of being neglected and treated as an afterthought, after suffering an obvious slight of losing his love on Daddy Wang's say-so, after being allowed to supposedly run wild with no attempt at parental intervention... If after all this Zilu still craved his father's approval in whatever form he could get it, craved it so much that he allowed himself to be led into an obvious trap, then what kind of loyalty might he have offered, had somebody bothered to nurture him properly?

And it's not like his talents were easy to sweep under the rug. It's not until after he's an adult that Zilu takes up the pretense of being a never-do-well; during his adolescence he was still giving it his all, hoping in vain that his father might notice and offer him some sweet, sweet parental validation. Alas. The lack of powerful backing from his maternal family is an obstacle, but not if one actively tries to fight against consort kin clans and their influence. Or is it only the Wangs who are the enemy? Must be so, otherwise why the hell would one not see Zilu's relative independence as his greatest asset? You don't even have to make him Crown Prince to use him; just instill some sense of pride and validation, feed his need for attention and put him behind Zitan's throne. Okay, maybe don't do that last thing, deadly brotherly competition being a whole thing in palace environments, but still, use him! But no, Huanmi remained the only person to actually see and appreciate Zilu for what he was. Is it any wonder he was so absolutely loyal to her that even when it looked like she had attacked him with lethal intent, he still cared about her safety most of all?

And is it any wonder that he expedited his considerable will and brainpower solely for her benefit? I was absolutely floored when I realized that becoming an Emperor wasn't actually his ultimate goal - marrying Huanmi in the biggest, reddest wedding possible was! Even if he needed to drag the more august guests in at swordpoint. Not to say he didn't want to take the throne for his own sake; he absolutely did, but only as far as it served as a big fat fuck you to every person who kept dismissing him out of hand, so basically every person other than Huanmi. Taking the crown was a power fantasy, an idee-fixe of sorts, but for all that keeping a throne in one's basement can be seen as somewhat peculiar, there are very few - if any - signs of actual delusion in Zilu's actions. The throne is not a goal in itself, merely a way to achieve his primary goal, which is to marry the woman he loves, take revenge for Huanmi's sake as much as his own and build a life worthy of her. She's his Empress and by gods, she's going to be the real deal soon enough, no more cosplaying in private villas, however nice it might be!

Ma Zitan, the one and only Master of Mope

With every Ma Prince I become more and more convinced that there was something seriously wrong with Daddy Emperor's brain. Neglecting Potato makes some sense within the greater political picture, letting Zilu lie fallow is the height of foolishness, yet it's more a matter of criminal inaction than actively doing something wrong, but Zitan? Oh, there is no excuse for the way Daddy Emperor chose to deal with Zitan. If the Third Prince was truly his intended heir from the start and there is little reason to believe otherwise - if Wangs are to go then Potato is done for, Zilu was never even considered and Zitan remains the favourite long after showing his complete uselessness - why not try to prepare him for his future role? True, doing so openly might provoke the Wangs, but it's not like there aren't any ways to present such ruler lessons as something else, even a punishment. But no, let's just hope he turns out okay all by himself!

Now, logically reasoning, if Zitan was Daddy Emperor’s favourite and the prince he originally wanted as his heir, then Zitan should be given all possible help, right? So why wasn’t he taught any actual skills, whether in governance or in military matters? The thing is… they might have tried. In episode 61, when Zitan asks his faithful pair of retainers if he would be able to best Xiao Qi, their first answer is not that he’s the Emperor so it’s a given. Well, that too, but the first, immediate response? You studied the art of war. Which, okay, might be a reasonable guess when it comes to any prince, but those retainers are rather young and only recently-promoted. Before their soujourn at the Imperial Mausoleum they probably served somewhere within the wider imperial household, but not close enough to any great personage to be knowledgeable about what the princes might or might not have studied. Also, that answer, should Zitan’s lessons be limited to his early childhood, would make them look like idiots or bootlickers of the worst sort. But let’s say that Zitan actually studied the art of war and did so longer than his brothers. Or, alternatively, with more famous masters. That would naturally be a subject of some talk, if only within the imperial household itself. If so, then the female retainer, who seems rather astute in general, gave the best answer she could give.

Okay, so maybe somebody actually tried to help Zitan along. It still failed. Zitan at twenty or so is singularily useless and strangely unambitious, and no, calligraphy doesn't count as useful, not if one is an imperial prince and Emperor-to-be!

It's not Zitan's uselessness or even his refusal to feel any kind of reponsibility for his own people (as shown in the Huizhou arc) I have the most issue with. Although the latter is simply disgusting. And... really, really short-sighted. If Huizhou falls, as it surely must, Jianning and Co. get a clear way to the capital, leaving Xiao Qi to play deadly catch-up. Which means that Zitan's family is pretty much done for. Now, he might not care about Potato and Zilu, but surely he should feel something towards his father? Some filial piety, if not actual love? But no, screw the people of Huizhou and screw Daddy Emperor. Still, does he think that Jianning wouldn't pursue him to the ends of the earth in order to eradicate a potential claimant?

No, what really angers me is the way Zitan treats the women he claims to hold dear. And I'm not even speaking of Awu, although it's rather obvious that he cares little for her internality and rather more than is healthy for his idealized image of her. Xie Guifei dies for him, which is not his fault in the least... or is it? See, I'm pretty sure that Zitan's insistence on marrying Awu despite his mother's reservations was what provoked the Wangs to take certain... steps. Provoking a power struggle is all fine and good, if you're at least somewhat prepared for the consequences. Zitan is no fifteen year old well-bred young lady, he's an imperial prince right in the middle of a delicate balance of power, how the hell does he not know or care about possible ramifications? Naivety is theoretically not a crime, but that surely is criminal naivety. Which begs the question - how hard was that boy coddled by his mother? My guess is a lot. But Xie Guifei is but a trifle compared to the elephant in the room.

Xie Wanru. Xie Wanru, who supported Zitan as much as she could while being in a precarious situation herself. And whom he had no problems with asking for further support, going as far as to aim for the throne, disregarding her own and her children's potential interests. Xie Wanru, who didn't make the first move, even knowing Zitan to be a potential threat to her and hers. Xie Wanru, whose baby got a full portion of avuncular love in form of actual torture and was lucky to get away with his life. Xie Wanru, his sister, whose ghost must have screeched with fury upon hearing Zitan laud himself as this paragon of brotherly feelings in comparison to the well-intentioned Turnip.

Oh, and he just sat there like an offended child while the country kept sliding into chaos, simply because some evil old men didn't let him kill Cheng's entire army with his sheer incompetence. Those dastardly old bastards! Let them scramble around and let the people in the provinces keep dying; they all deserve this for not recognizing Zitan's awesomeness! I'm not saying he should have fixed everything. I'm saying he should have done the bare minimum. He killed a brother for that throne, now he should actually do something with it. Other than purposefully provoking the only guy who actually restored peace and stability simply because the man happens to be married to Zitan's first love.

I'm sorry, I cannot with Zitan. There's a lot more to be said about that twerp, much of which has already been said, but at this point refraining from plowing on it's a matter of mental hygiene.

[needtherapy]

to be human is a haunting, Part 1

A love story for Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen

In a modern world, in a modern city that still has need for cultivators, Song Lan 

(war hero, rogue cultivator, orphan)

goes for a run in the park, kills a dankang, makes a friend, and meets a beautiful man with a dog, all before he has to go to therapy. It's the best day he's had in ten years.

Read more Kristina Writes Tiny Stories

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

Read over on AO3 instead

Title from molly ofgeography’s song Runaway, Run

Rated E for Explicit sexy times, mild demon killing, and swearing.

Part 1

Song Lan wakes to the sound of screaming

 familiar

 too familiar

and he knows it is his own voice seconds

 long seconds

before he can snap his mouth closed around the last trailing sob.

The thrum of the city leaks back in, pushing past the roaring in his ears, and reminds him to ground himself. The clean white walls of the stark room around him. The feel of the bed underneath him, the smell of lemon dryer sheets, the glow of the neon light across the street. All known. All safe. He skips the taste of morning breath.

If he could remember the nightmares, the exact details, maybe he’d tell his therapist. It would at least give them something to talk about instead of the silent hour he wastes twice a week now.

No. That’s a lie. He knows what’s in them. He still wouldn’t talk about it.

The clock by his bed claims it’s 5:04 am, a fairly reasonable time to be awake, so he gets up. May as well get his run over with.

— ⚔ —

“Do you run every day,” Dr. Wen asks.

Song Lan nods.

Dr. Wen writes something down.

“Do you enjoy running?” Dr. Wen asks.

Song Lan nods.

Dr. Wen writes something down.

“Why do you enjoy it?” Dr. Wen asks.

Song Lan shrugs.

Dr. Wen writes something down.

— ⚔ —

Song Lan doesn’t really enjoy running any more than he enjoys digesting food. But it’s too ingrained in him now, the rhythm of air and feet and arms. He couldn’t stop if he wanted to. It is the anchor of his day.

Ten miles covers a lot of the city, and as familiar as it is, as long as he’s lived and run here, it looks different every morning, like noticing a light freckle on the back of his wrist. When it’s cloudless before dawn like today, he runs down the lakeshore path to watch the sunrise at the halfway mark. On cue, with all the fanfare and flourish of a seasoned professional, at 6:17 am, the sun erupts in yellow and pink over the horizon and turns the water to diamonds. It looks like magic every time.

This he loves and doesn’t have to lie about.

Song Lan is two miles from his place, running through the park, when the skin on the back of his neck prickles, and he slows his pace. Is it a hundred yards away? Maybe closer? He opens his mind and sends out a questing wave of qi from his core. He doesn’t know if he needs to draw the sword strapped to his back yet. There’s no one else around. Maybe whatever it is will just...mind its own business.

He doesn’t hunt anymore, not actively, but he still runs with his sword. It’s just habit, probably. He would feel incomplete without Fuxue’s weight between his shoulder blades. And even if he doesn’t go looking for danger, danger is often waiting.

Without warning, an enormous dankang explodes from the bushes by the running path and careens toward him. The green pelt that had camouflaged it glows in the early morning light, and Song Lan is swinging Fuxue almost before the sword is even in his hand. The boar roars in a very un-pig-like way, and he idly wonders, as the blade cuts into the demon’s hide, what the taxonomic difference between dankang and pigs is. Are they different families? Orders? Or is there some divergence further back? It squeals in pain but doesn’t give up the attack, changing direction mid-stride and flashing wicked yellow tusks at him.

It takes six strikes to kill the monster. He always counts. The counting, like the running, is an integral part of him. One downward hack. One thrust to the shoulder. One spinning jab in the dankang’s ribs. Two upward slashes. One strike in the throat and the beast is dead.

Song Lan texts the Nie cleanup crew his coordinates and takes a thin cloth from his pocket to wipe the blood off of Fuxue, dropping it on to the body when he’s done. He’ll clean the sword properly when he gets back.

“Six strikes,” a voice says from behind him, and he whirls, surprised to be surprised. “Was it luck, or are you really that good?”

There’s a man in a long trench coat standing on the path with a dog sitting next to him. The dog is one of those scruffy brown mutts that would be completely ordinary in every way except it looks far too clever to be a dog. It cocks its head and one floppy ear flips inside out.

The man is backlit by a golden ray of sun

 not ordinary

 in no way ordinary

and Song Lan can’t see his features clearly enough, not from this distance

 a hundred and thirty-three feet

 wind from the east

but it looks like he might be carrying a sword.

— ⚔ —

Sometimes in therapy, Song Lan counts the holes in the acoustical ceiling tiles.

Sometimes he counts the colored pencils on Dr. Wen’s desk.

Sometimes he counts the number of times Dr. Wen spins his pen in his fingers, waiting for Song Lan to answer a question. Any question.

— ⚔ —

Song Lan counts to seven before he answers, the numbers slowing his heartbeat.

“It was one more than last time.”

The man laughs, a bright chime of bells that wrinkles his nose. The dog looks up at its master, and its mouth drops open in a doggy grin.

“Clearly a failure, then. I hope the next time I see you, you will have improved.”

Song Lan is distracted by his voice, deeper than he expects, more musical than he expects, and he’s acutely disappointed when the man turns and walks away, the dog at his heels. He’s almost overcome by the impulse to call the man back, just so he can see his face again, so he can decide if it’s real or not.

“I’m here every day at 7 am,” the man calls over his shoulder before he disappears around a corner. Or maybe he disappears into a beam of light. Song Lan can easily believe either.

He takes one step to follow, and then realizes what he’s doing. It’s ridiculous. He takes a second step anyway. But a woman is suddenly at his elbow, handing him a clipboard, asking for his ID and signature. He has no idea how the cleaners got there so fast.

“I haven’t seen a dankang in this park before, have you?” the woman asks.

Song Lan shakes his head.

“Yeah, they usually prefer the suburbs. More hedge rows,” she says, and Song Lan isn’t sure if this requires an answer, so he doesn’t.

She takes the clipboard when he’s finished and peers at it. “Oh, I should have known. You’re the silent rogue—not technically a hunter, but still has more kills than most of the competitive cultivators? Wild!”

Silent rogue, he wonders. As opposed to what?

The woman hands him a card as her team finishes loading the demon into a step van.

“Luo Qingyang. Call me directly next time. I have an office competition to win.” She winks at him and saunters away.

By the time Song Lan gets to the corner where the man disappeared, there’s only cars and pedestrians and noise, and it’s 7:30 am. He has somewhere to be at 9 am, and he doesn’t want to be asked why he’s late.

— ⚔ —

“Dankang?” Dr. Wen asks.

Song Lan’s eyes flinch, glancing up in confusion.

“Well, that was almost an answer,” Dr. Wen says cheerfully.

Song Lan frowns.

“If you want to know, you’re going to have to ask,” Dr. Wen says, eyebrows raised in what might almost be a challenge.

Song Lan doesn’t care. He really doesn’t.

“How did you know?” his voice says anyway, low and soft. Maybe no one heard the question, and Song Lan can pretend it didn’t happen.

To his credit, Dr. Wen doesn’t gloat, but he smiles. Song Lan suspects he’s not going to be able to stay silent forever after all.

— ⚔ —

Song Lan takes a shower after therapy, not only to wash the tattling green dankang fur out of his hair, but scalding enough to burn the words off his skin.

 I’m here every day at 7 am

Is he really going to feel like he is fluttering at the end of a rope for the next twenty hours

 twenty hours and seventeen minutes

until tomorrow’s 7 am?

Evidently, yes. The shower doesn’t shake the man’s voice loose from his thoughts. Neither does lunch, the library, an episode of a cooking show in a tent, weights, two more episodes of the show—whatever a kouign amann is, he wants one—and sixty pages of Dune. He doesn’t even bother trying to work.

Song Lan makes a salad for dinner, neatly arranging paper-thin slices of carrot, cucumber, jicama, apple, and red onion on a bed of dark green leaves and half a chicken breast. He likes salads that are more toppings than lettuce, so he throws almond slivers and cranberries in his bowl too. “Love yourself enough to make a salad,” is practically the only thing he’s learned in therapy. He’s not sure about loving himself, but he’s pretty fond of salad.

He takes his meds before bed, turns on the white noise, and for once, falls asleep before the world spins into a new day.

— ⚔ —

“Do you blame yourself?”

Song Lan keeps on the blank face he’s so familiar with and stares over Dr. Wen’s shoulder at the photograph of three black cats sitting in a window.

“If you don’t blame yourself, who do you blame?”

Song Lan does not narrow his eyes. Or maybe he does, because Dr. Wen tips his head and gives him a piercing look.

“Even if you’d gotten there sooner, Song Lan, what could you have done? Tell me one thing you could have done.” Dr. Wen almost sounds like he’s pleading.

What I should have done, he thinks. Die with them, he thinks.

— ⚔ —

The man is there at 7 am, sitting on a bench.

With the dog, who is also sitting on the bench.

And that face.

Oh, the face is worse, actually, because Song Lan can see it clearly now. The man smiles when he sees Song Lan, a curving, curling, invitation of a smile on a mouth that looks like a bow without an arrow. The angle of his cheekbones, the graceful lines that can’t fairly be called anything as mundane as dimples, make Song Lan wonder if the rumors of fae in this country are true. The man’s eyes tip up at the corners when he notes Song Lan’s inspection of him, and Song Lan stops moving, maybe stops breathing.

The dog sticks its wet nose in Song Lan’s hand, and he jerks back, staring down at the animal. He doesn’t like to be touched, even by animals, but he isn’t angry, just surprised. He’s just surprised. He can’t understand why he’s just surprised.

“She’s inviting you to sit,” the man says, laughter in his voice.

The dog snorts at Song Lan, a chuffing noise that sounds like she is laughing at him, too.

“Is she?” Song Lan asks, and the man grins

 an unfairly perfect expression of genes

and shakes his head.

“No. But I am. Will you join us?”

Song Lan sits on the bench on the other side of the dog.

“A-Qing, get on the ground like a normal dog,” the man scolds.

The dog harrumphs but stands, delicately sets her front feet on the ground one at a time and stretches her long body the rest of the way, as slowly as caninely possible. Song Lan feels the corner of his mouth twitch.

“I’m Xingchen,” the man says, his lips shifting to a different kind of smile, a tip of the hat friendly smile.

He is wearing a white sweater, a white scarf, baggy white pants, and his name is stardust. Of course it is. Song Lan wonders if it’s a real name or one he’s invented.

“No last name?” Song Lan asks, and the man laughs again. Song Lan can’t imagine what it must be like to have so much laughter bottled inside him. Even before the war, before the massacre that took everything from him, laughter was a precious commodity, not something anyone would squander in the park on a cloudy day with a man like him.

“If I tell you my last name, you’ll think I made it up,” Xingchen says, and it’s so close to Song Lan’s thoughts, he tips his head, realizing belatedly that he looks like the dog when he does it.

Xingchen’s face shifts to mischief, and Song Lan’s mouth feels dry, chasing a mirage in the desert, only to discover it’s real. “You tell me your first name, and I’ll tell you my last name,” Xingchen says.

“Zichen,” Song Lan says immediately, without thinking, without the capacity for thought. He backpedals. “No one calls me that anymore, though. I’m just Song Lan.”

He has not been anyone’s treasured child in three years. He only thinks of himself as the mist now. It’s easier to be insubstantial, just passing through, nothing to see here.

“Oh no, you must be Zichen. Precious child, treasured seed,” Xingchen says in a singsong voice like it’s a line from a song or a poem. “Song Zichen, I’m Xiao Xingchen. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Would you like to have breakfast? With us?”

Song Lan does think it’s a made up name now, but he could have said his name was Horsehead Nebula, and Song Lan would still say yes.

“Yes, thank you.”

Xingchen stands and a-Qing, who had been laying on her back in the grass, snaps to attention, dashing over to lean against his left leg, looking up at him with clear adoration.

It hadn’t been a sword.

It is a cane.

“Well?” Xingchen asks. “Are you coming? I’ll tell you about it on the way, if you like.”

Song Lan nods, and then answers out loud, in case the nod was stupid and thoughtless. “Yes.”

— ⚔ —

“Do you have friends?” Dr. Wen asks.

Song Lan frowns at the rude question, which inexplicably makes Dr. Wen grin.

“I’ll take that as a no,” he says. “How about this? Do you want friends, Song Lan?”

Song Lan doesn’t give an answer, but Dr. Wen seems to think he sees one anyway.

“Well. What are you planning to do about that?”

— ⚔ —

Xingchen says it’s not that interesting of a story. He is slowly going blind. There is nothing anyone can do, and everyone has tried. Surgery. Magic. Lasers. Everyone. Everything. He says a-Qing is helpful. He says he decided to learn to use the cane now, while he can still see a little. He says all of it like it doesn’t matter, and it is Song Lan who is numb with the pain of a loss that isn’t even his. That he didn’t even know about until five minutes ago.

Oh, and Xingchen says he does have a sword, actually, but it seemed like bad manners to bring it on a first date

 first date

 implying date

 implying subsequent dates

even if he hadn’t been entirely sure Song Lan would show up.

Breakfast is in a diner not much wider than a dead dankang, and they tuck into a booth in the back. A-Qing lays on Song Lan’s feet, and it still doesn’t bother him. She’s warm, and he thinks he likes the way it feels when she rolls on her side and sighs.

They order pancakes and a poached egg for a-Qing. He tells Song Lan that a-Qing came from a local shelter because there’s no requirement that service dogs be purebred, they just usually are. He says it’s just harder to pick mixed breed dogs who will be good service dogs, but he didn’t pick a-Qing, she picked him.

“She scaled an eight-foot chain link fence and sat at my heel as though she’d been in service her whole life,” he says with a laugh, reaching his foot to poke a-Qing on the belly and accidentally brushing Song Lan’s leg.

It is a very good thing, Song Lan thinks, that he is accustomed to hiding his reaction to being touched because the feel of Xiao Xingchen’s foot rubbing against his leg makes him suddenly, painfully, embarrassingly hard, and he can vividly recall what it was like to be a teenager in want of a very large notebook to hold in front of himself.

Song Lan rarely eats food he doesn’t make, even more rarely eats fluffy pancakes drenched in butter and syrup, and he has no idea why. They taste like heaven, and watching Xingchen eat is...an experience. He cuts his food precisely, examines every piece, and closes his eyes when he chews, as if each mouthful is a fine wine he plans to savor. He finishes in twenty bites.

“Is your name made up?” Song Lan finally can’t resist asking, and Xingchen shrugs.

“Aren’t all names?”

Song Lan snorts, almost a laugh. “Is it the name you were born with?”

“No one is born with a name, Zichen.” Xingchen sounds like he is very seriously and very patiently explaining why the sky is blue, and Song Lan wants to shake him.

But that makes Song Lan think about laying his fingers on Xingchen’s shoulders, caressing his skin, grazing his collarbone with his thumb, and he shudders, blinking for a heartbeat too long.

“It is my real name,” Xingchen says softly, touching the back of Song Lan’s hand tentatively, as though he understands it might not be welcome. It aches like a spark from an autumn campfire. “My mother is a bit of a hippie, and I was a beautiful baby.”

This time it is a laugh. A real laugh. He hasn’t laughed in so long, he forgot what it would sound like, how it would feel to vibrate through his chest, how it could turn to tears. He covers his eyes with his hand

 not the hand Xingchen is touching

and tries to turn back the choking gasp that catches in his throat and forces its way out.

Xingchen doesn’t ask, just holds Song Lan’s hand and waits.

“You are a beautiful adult,” Song Lan says, when he can swallow again, and Xingchen smiles.

“So are you. Although, I have no idea what you looked like as a baby. This could be a recent development. Maybe you were hideously ugly a year ago.”

Now he sounds like he’s teasing, and Song Lan looks at him. Xingchen’s head is propped on one hand, and his expression is both curious and evaluating.

“Would you like to come home with me?” Xingchen asks, threading his fingers through Song Lan’s as though it is completely natural, and somehow, it is. His fingers fit perfectly into the spaces between Song Lan’s. The flames that spill from his fingertips into Song Lan’s arm and flow through his blood whisper the answer.

It is the easiest thing in the world to give them voice and say yes.

Read Part 2 Here

[potahun]

Some more Qin Shen Shen moment translations (part 7/?)

Link to other translations so far.

Most cuts from Episode 12 (but not all)

I already translated some bits from this ep in other parts, so this ep. doesn’t actually have too much left other than the songs themselves. This said, it’s also because some of the gems didn’t make it into the main broadcast haha

a. Group entrance - all finalists stand on stage. The MC asks Fei Yuqing how he feels first, who replies that he’s honored and hopes people will like the song they chose.

MC: Now we have to ask our Qin Shen Shen... On this stage, only you two have been together from the beginning to the end, singing all the way until now.

LKQ links his arm with ZS and crosses his legs. 

ZS: You’re being too courteous, too courteous.  *laughs and pretends to hit LKQ*

MC: So I have to ask the two of you: Did you set yourself any objectives for tonight’s finale?

LKQ: It’s very obvious. From our outfits today, you can tell we came to study. We look like students. They (the other teams) look like teachers and the headmaster. (...)

b. Flashback: During the charades segment to decide the order of performances, Qin Shen Shen are basically chaining correct answers without a break. 

ZS, halfway through the game: Hold on a minute, *touches his cheeks* is our time going to be this long?

c. In the backstage room, explaining the idea behind their song “Hua”. 

ZS: This song will have a fairly big contrast. We’re hoping it’ll be a bit more relaxed, simpler and livelier (LKQ: Right)

The flashback shows their on-stage rehearsal. ZS bursts out laughing during the song intro, making LKQ laugh too and say “It doesn’t feel like a competition”. ZS then replies that it feels a lot like Tom&Jerry.

(Back to the backstage room) LKQ, explaining: Because until now all we’ve sang are love songs, slow songs, really tragic ...apart from “Ye Lang”. So I think this song can again, in the finale, allow people to have an ‘Aaah? This is pretty good too’ - that kind of feeling.

ZS: Like “Eh? Didn’t expect this.” It’s kind of doing your own thing, I guess. Everyone is going *mimics the sound of swords and arrows flying* and these two people are like *does a hand-clapping game* It’ll just make a very different picture. 

LKQ: Good.

ZS turns to him to initiate a hand-clapping game. LKQ goes too fast for ZS and they mess up. 

ZS (to LKQ): It’s the other way round. *turns away from him* OK. 

LKQ, protesting at being “criticized”: Heeey! Little kids, alright!! 

ZS pacifies him. 

d. After they finish their performance of “Hua”, in which there’s a lot of harmonisation, cute poses, and you guessed it: dry ice. 

MC: Why is it that as soon as you two stand on stage, there’s dry ice? (ZS laughs and LKQ just licks his lips)

ZS: But apart from dry ice, we have nothing else........ *laughs*

MC: My interpretation is this. From the 1st day you paired up, Xiao Qi Ge has been saying you’re a Match Made in Heaven. Your harmonisation today, it really had a divine and floating kind of feeling, so you must have dry ice/theatrical fog all over the stage in order to match that.

ZS, bowing: :OOO Thank you teacher Lin Hai (MC’s name) Thank you.

MC, trying not to laugh: But the song you chose today really does look a lot like a school performance... (ZS and LKQ: :’D and ;;;; at the same time) So do you want to listen to feedback from the teachers? (ZS: Yes LKQ: Yes, of course)

NY: Let’s start with the headmaster (Fei Yuqing), alright?

FYQ: Alright. (...) Truthfully speaking, if I were to be picking at your small problems, it’d be beneficial for both our teams, huh? (i.e. his and Na Ying’s) *laughs* (ZS makes a vaguely terrified face on stage while LKQ is laughing) 

FYQ: But that’d be selfish of me. 

He ends up giving some very nice comments, and NY asks to see his notes. NY ends up teasing that what he wrote has nothing to do with that he said (aka the notes might really have been picking at Qin Shen Shen’s problems). FYQ replies with a very courteous “It’s your turn now.” and NY just goes “Alright” instantly.

NY: Actually, I’ll tell the truth, it’s after coming to “Wo Men De Ge” that I’ve truly started to like Li Keqin. (LKQ, bowing but relaxed: Thank you, thank you Na Jie, thank you~) That care and magnanimity that he has for music and for Zhou Shen, I find it really good. (LKQ turns to smile proudly at ZS) Zhou Shen, I don’t need to say any more, he’s like an elf.

ZS (to LKQ): Elves tend to be relatively small... (LKQ: The expression of an elf *imitates the face ZS made a second ago*)

NY: Zhou Shen, under Li Keqin’s protection, had a big surge in self-confidence. For each sentence in which they harmonised, their silent understanding was incredible. 

FYQ teases NY about how good she is at giving comments. All in all, NY concludes by saying she REALLY likes the Qin Shen Shen collaborations. 

e. Right after Li Keqin and Zhou Shen sit back down after “Hua”, Ayanga leans over to their side:

AYG (to ZS): Let me tell you, for this song... he (LKQ) looked even younger than you! *imitates the way LKQ was doing the cute flower poses earlier on, while LKQ laughs* I even forgot which of you is the elder brother! 

f. After Qin Shen Shen’s second song “Your name, my last name”. 

FYQ, commenting: *takes out his notepad* The headmaster has made notes again. This...Keqin and Zhou Shen... how can their chemistry be this good? As always. And I noticed that you really do suit dry ice very well.... (LKQ and ZS both guffaw) (...)

NY: I think Zhou Shen’s voice put together with Li Keqin’s voice is...feminine  (T/N: tbh im not sure how to translate this: “yin rou”. I looked it up and it gave me “feminine” but honestly I’m not sure...it’s got an element of being elegant and delicate too, I guess)

ZS: ???

NY, explaining: When you are giving Li Keqin strength, you can have strength. When you have parts where you have to be very tender, combined with his voice, it’s a perfect match. (ZS nods) So the two of you, when you have an opportunity in the future, you should once again make some songs that everyone would like. (the crowd cheers) Also, Zhou Shen, I noticed your Cantonese *switches to Cantonese* is really very good.

ZS, happy: Ooooooooooh! (LKQ, agreeing: Very good.) *speaks in Cantonese* Thank you very much.

NY, still in Cantonese: Did you know how to speak it before?

ZS, in apparently terrible Cantonese: I could understand it but not speak it-

NY: Ah, drop it, drop it, now it’s not correct anymore. Let’s drop it. (ZS cracks up: I really don’t know how to speak it!!)

Not doing the rest but yeah after the voting ends etc. etc. the MC explains that since Fei Yuqing and Jay Chou’s “Qian Li Zhi Wai / Beyond a thousand miles” (2006), they were wondering if they’d be able to have once more, on this stage, a song that bridges the generational gap between singers (the Qian Li Zhi Wai collaboration being the inspiration for the concept of the show) and the ones who would be realising this tonight would be Qin Shen Shen, with their original song “Bu Jian Jiu San”*. 

The winner of the finale is announced via the raising of the stage (all 3 groups stand on the stage, and only the part where the winners are standing will raise above the others). 

That’s pretty much it from the main broadcast BUT. Qin Shen Shen has quite a lot of stuff hanging outside the main broadcast in general....

----

* About “Bu Jian Jiu San”..... Idk how to translate this accurately. I read it as “If you won’t meet again, then say goodbye” but that’s taking liberties I guess. I also saw “Leave with no greeting” as a translation. Based on the lyrics which are about moving on, and also the meaning of the usual term “bu jian bu san” (no meeting, no parting i.e. we won’t leave until we see each other), I’d have leaned towards the "if u don’t meet, then say goodbye” sense, like if you’re not together anymore, then stop lingering on it - that kind of feeling. but honestly? I have no clue. 

Anyways an official MV was made for this song, and the MV is basically just Qin Shen Shen being Qin Shen Shen, but with slow-mos. *thumbs up* 

[briapia95]

Qinghe Nie’s discussion conference- Wangxian arranged marriage AU; part 7

[master post]

Lan Wangji sheathed his sword, having gotten rid of the last paper mannequin in the area, it was almost time for the competition to finish. The main event at the Qinghe Nie’s discussion conference was simple enough, but true to Qinghe Nie’s way, this year’s fierce spirits possessing the mannequins were truly vicious. No wonder this time around they were allowed to use their swords.

He had gotten separated from the other Lan disciples. It should not matter much, but he still found himself worried about Wei Wuxian. Some progress had been made in their relationship, but the other man was still somewhat cautious when approaching the other disciples. Lan Wangji could only hope that the younger man would not be caught in some sort of misunderstanding.

He pushed a stream of Qi towards his surroundings, sensing people ahead into the woods, they were agitated. He started walking towards them, as much as he preferred to remain alone, it would not do any good for a confrontation to begin. His uncle’s words before initiating the journey to Qinghe coming to his mind, Wangji, this year at the competition, it is better to remain cautious, there’s reason to believe some could try to use this event as a way to start a conflict.  

Lan Qiren had not explained his words further, and Wangji had not asked, he already knew about Qishan Wen’s discontent regarding last year’s discussion conference. And could not help but suspect the only reason for the delayed response was his and Wei Wuxian’s upcoming wedding.

As he got closer he heard someone arguing, presumedly loudly considering he still was away from where, whoever the people quarreling, were gathered.

“Well, It’s not Jiang Cheng’s fault that you suck at-” was said in a dismissive way before being suddenly cut off.

Wei Wuxian had not spoken in that manner for such a long time that it surprised Lan Wangji into faltering his steps for a moment, before resuming walking as fast as it was permitted.

If Wei Wuxian was arguing for Jiang Wanyin’s sake then there was no stopping him, he already knew that. And just as he turned around a large rock he was faced with his husband and the Jiang and Wen heirs.

“You dare to speak to me in that way?” Wen Chao sneered at Wei Wuxian, sword pointed at him as Jiang Wanyin was held back by three other Wen disciples. Wen Chao smirked, signaling to the other disciples to release the Jiang heir yet eyes never leaving Wei Wuxian, “you think now that you are married into the Lan sect that you are something better than a servant’s son?”  

It was Jiang Wanyin who took the bait, launching at the other man and only stopped by Wei Wuxian, “Wen Chao! Who do you-”

Whatever he was going to say was interrupted when Lan Wangji placed himself in between them and Wen Chao, gaze impassive, making the Wen heir recoiled. He heard a startled, Lan Zhan? What are you doing? From Wei Wuxian- but decided to ignore it for the time being.

“Oh but if it isn’t second young master Lan?” Wen Chao spoke after recovering, “Come here to fetch your husband? How romantic, why don’t you go and kiss him better?”

He found himself hating the way the other man spoke about his relationship with Wei Wuxian, but he continued to stare at him, any sort of response would only fuel the conflict further.

“Not gonna say anything? Well, I guess it’s right what they say, that the formed head disciple of Yunmeng Jiang is not better than a bed warmer at this point.”

Lan Wangji was grateful for his self-control, those last words stirring something violent in him. Had he been a lesser man Wen Chao would surely be in the ground right now missing a tooth or more from the beating Wangji would have definitely given him.

Something must have changed in his demeanor either way, because fear crossed Wen Chao’s face before the man quickly scoffed and ordered the remaining Wen disciples to leave, citing about not having time for this petty business and a competition to win.

Lan Wangji couldn't care less, he was fuming in the spot, not fully realizing up until the moment Wei Wuxian stood in front of him. Jiang Wanyin frowned at both of them from Wei Wuxian's side.

“Lan Zhan?” Wei Wixuan inquired timidly, all the fight drained out of him apparently. Now looking wide-eyed and hoping.

And Lan Zhan wasn’t able to look at him in that state of vulnerability any longer without proceeding to do something impulsive, so he decided to change whatever topic of conversation Wei Wuxian was about to rope him in.

“What happened?” he asked instead, looking pointedly behind the other man.

A moment passed where no one spoke, with a small sight Wei Wuxian replied, “Wen Chao decided to tail Jiang Cheng this time,” he huffed, sharing a look with the other man, as Jiang Wanyin just shook his head, frown deepening. “It’s like he only knows of one strategy for stealing the mannequins. Which, to be honest, it surprises no one.”  

“That damn Wen, trying to take what’s not his and then having the nerve to pretend offense when he was called out about it,” Jiang Wanyin complained loudly, Lan Wangji couldn’t help but agree in a way but decided not to continue with that conversation either, else risking agitating Jiang Wanyin even more.

“It’s getting late,” Lan Wangji spoke, looking at the setting sun, “the competition must be over, we better get back.”  

“Could you go ahead of us, Jiang Cheng?” Wei Wuxian asked, pointedly looking at the man.

They seemed to hold a silent conversation for a few moments before the Jiang heir relented, “suit yourself,” he voiced before mounting his sword. Not without throwing another scold towards Lan Wangji, which he found rather disquieting, not wanting to be left alone in this precise moment with his husband. 

“Lan Wangji,” Wei Wuxian said to him, sounding indecisive. Lan Wangji did not like how it sounded.

“Lan Zhan,” Lan Wangji stated before he could stop, feeling the way his ears were getting hot and being glad that his hair was hiding them today.

Wei Wuxian smiled that small grin that made Lan Wangji’s heart beat faster. Before he could examine further what it could mean the other man continued, “Lan Zhan, then. I- Thank you,” he beamed at him, and Lan Wangji was sure that he could feel the heat spreading towards the back of his neck and chest. “To be honest I’m not sure that could have ended as swiftly as it did if you had not come.”  

“I’ll always come for Wei Ying,” he replied immediately because apparently all his self-restraint got spent when dealing with Wen Chao.

Wei Wuxian placed a hand over his forearm and squeezed lightly, giving him another glowing smile, “I’m glad,” he looked at the sky contemplative before continuing, “It’s not that late, and we’re not actually that far from the main gathering, do you want to walk with me?”

“Mn,” he nodded, not trusting himself with a spoken answer.

As they both walked towards where the sect disciples were to assemble, Lan Wangji noticed how Wei Wuxian kept close enough to brush against his side from time to time and realized he was not bothered by the constant touch. And if he allowed himself the small upturn of his lips from the warmth he felt spreading across his chest, well, nobody else had to know about that slight slip of his control.

[meditativeyoga]

Zazen: The art of just sitting

We are of the viewpoint that equilibrium is needed so that our lifestyle doesn't lead us to exhaustion. We wish to discover the ways to change our way of being so that every aspect of our living interact. And we prefer every one of this to occur 'naturally'-- not with pressure of initiative, yet with emphasis and also tranquility. Being Zen people, we balance the fee of day-to-day living with moment-by-moment existence, and also the key to doing this is meditation.

Zazen is the Japanese name for seatsed reflection-- the term approximately implies, 'resting still, like a mountain.' It is the one typical practice that unifies essentially all Eastern philosophies.

In the West, meditation has been adjusted for Western sensibilities. Jon Kabat-Zinn, for example, has actually established Mindfulness Reflection for use in healthcare facilities. He's taken Zazen from Buddhism, [or the Buddhism out of Zazen!] and is getting excellent outcomes with individuals recovering from cardiovascular disease, surgeries, stress-related illnesses, et al.

This Western method has its focus on using reflection as a 'relaxation tool.' It is therefore an 'include on,' made use of to combat a disease [a dis-ease] Mindfulness Meditation is a little bit like a 'pill wherefore ails you,' as well as is doled out to assist hyper active individuals run also faster.

Our point of view is definitely extra 'typical.' We see the problem as 'imbalance'.

Our view is that 'fast repairs' do not address the deepness of the issue-our propensity to disregard ourselves, and also to bend ourselves right into knots-- in order to fit some pre-conceived idea of just how adults need to act. We get captured in a loophole of excess, and also after that seek ways to respond to the damage.

We think about Zazen to be the structure from which whole, existing, involved, as well as enthusiastic living springtimes. From this perspective, balance is vital, and also being centred takes priority over excess.

In order to understand equilibrium, let's talk Qi [energy]

Qi can be found in two flavours-- Yin and Yang. Right here are few qualities:

Yin is feminine, easy, dark as well as deep.

Yang is manly, energetic, light and shallow.

Qi is like a coin. It cannot aid yet have 2 sides. A coin is 'balanced.' Each side is precisely the same 'size' as its opposite, as well as each represents one 'dynamic' of the whole. It is impossible to assume of [or have!] an one-sided or unbalanced coin. Qi is constantly looking for balance.

The distinction between us and also a coin is that we have the option of exactly what we emphasise, and also since of this, are often un-balanced. In the 21st century, the standard is Yang-ness. The emphasis gets on reasoning, doing, power, aggressiveness. Yin-ness-- intuiting, showing, and depth is frequently viewed of as weakness.

Initial explorations of Qi originated from the Taoists

The name Qi was picked for the 'unnameable, unknowable pressure' that brings the World right into being. When Qi remains in balance, all is well. Understanding as well as focus is required so that equilibrium is maintained.

From this viewpoint, each particular 'flavour' of Qi discovers its balance in the various other, i.e. dark/light. As for energy itself, the activity of yang is always sustained by the deepness and also fluidness of yin. Yin, in the background, offers the framework for all activity, much as a whiteboard [yin] holds exactly what is created [yang] Not a really Western suggestion in any way. The passive 'whiteboard' is considereded as 'simply a device' for the essential stuff. Because of a determined lack of focus on depth and tranquility, individuals operating from this 'modern-day' understanding are often candidates for tension relevant illnesses.

The option is NOT to slap on the 'Band-Aid' of a little bit of meditation. Our company believe it's to re-balance our top priorities by connecting with the circulation of our power itself-- to intuit its nature as well as to alleviate it via any type of blockages. Zazen is a fine method to do this. We sit to establish an unified body/mind/spirit. Zazen is not goal drivened-- it's not actually a task per se-- it's a means of being.

Two misunderstandings concerning Zazen

Zazen is not concerning quiting thinking: That's impossible. Besides, our assumed procedures in and also of themselves do not get us right into trouble. Consider it by doing this. The activity of our mind is to produce ideas, simply like the task of our pancreatic is to create insulin. Assuming is an all-natural task. Difficulty comes when:

We perplex our thoughts with truth, and

When we cling to our thoughts.

Zazen, then, has to do with sitting with our thoughts, without either evaluating them, or clinging to them. Thoughts become like clouds drifting before a blue sky.

Zazen has no point: We do not rest to achieve something. There's an old Zen tale about the trainee who states, with satisfaction, "I have released thinking!" His master replies, "No let go of believing that you have released thinking!"

We sit in order to rest. We take a breath to breathe. As thoughts arise, we watch them float by. If we discover ourselves distracted, we go back to 'simply resting.'

There is no objective. It's not regarding discovering an 'answer,' and Zazen is not a competition. At any time we set up an objective, [the length of time we sit for, exactly how 'advanced' we are, exactly how 'deep' our thoughts are, etc.] our entire emphasis ends up being thinking of our 'score.' We get shed in the act of contrast, even if we are just contrasting ourselves to ourselves.

Here's how to do Zazen

Briefly, there are 4 methods to sit, plus remaining on a chair-- however, chair sitting, to my point of view, is just for the infirm.

The rest of us remain on pillows or benches. In a post of this length, I actually can't define the poses adequately, or reveal you exactly how to use cushions or a bench.

So below's a video explanation including me!

What I can tell you is what every one of the 'poses' have in common

Zazen is a technique, as well as to complete what it achieves, you do the following:

You sit upright. Not ramrod directly, however with a 'stacked back.' Your shoulders are over your hips, as well as you are not tipped back and forth or front to back. In the video, I show you a simple method to accomplish this.

Your head is a little down, eyes open, looking 4 feet in front of you.

Your right hand is hand up in your lap, your left hand is palm up in your right-hand man, as well as your thumbs are touching lightly.

You are breathing with your nose, quietly.

Your attention is 'simply there.' As you sit, you are aware of noises, temperature, physical feelings, etc. You understand as thoughts arise. The key: as you bring your focus on any type of one thing, simply have a breath, and allow go of thinking of it.

you fixate on something [you will!], bring your attention back to 'simply resting.'

If you desire, you could count breaths. Start counting each out and in breath. As you observe you are believing as opposed to counting, go back to counting, starting at "1." You could then start counting simply the out breaths.

Walking meditation

Simply walk slowly, in an upright stance, meticulously placing one foot, then shifting your weight, and also placing another. Hands are folded up across your heart. The concept is to transform your focus to each action, and return to this as your mind wanders.

Living meditation

Meditating on a mat is one point. Living your reflection is one more, and also taking your reflection right into the world is what Zazen is all about.

Once you have practised a little bit, you will observe that your body/mind/spirit reverberates with resting. This vibration could be strengthened by bringing presence right into day to day activities.

Cook: You might, for example, prepare a dish mindfully. When chopping veggies, cut veggies. As your mind wanders, bring it back to the action of 'knife with veggie.' Maintain your mind focussed just on the step of the process that you are doing.

Eat the exact same means. Change to eating a dish a day with chopsticks. Or, if you usually utilize chopsticks, change to one meal with knife as well as fork. Decrease. Eat. Taste.

Do your job in this manner. When doing just what you are doing, quit acting you could multi-task and do one thing. With complete interest, with calm breath.

Eat an orange

Select an orange. Set the orange down before you. Take a look at it. See how the light mirrors off of it. Consider the colour, appearance, and also all the little pores. Actually look.

Now, scuff your finger nail along the skin, and hear the noise. Pierce the skin, as well as start peeling, and direct your attention to the audio of peeling off, then to the sound of separating the segments.

Go back to looking-- seeing how the orange items look.

Bring the skin to your nose, and also scent it. Set it down. Bring a section to your nose, and also smell it. Give it a little press and smell again.

Squish among the sectors in your fingers, and also actually feel the pulp, juice, as well as any type of seeds or pith.

Pop a section into your mouth, and also eat it gradually. See if you could take 5 mins to consume one section. Actually preference it!

Take one more sector, and also rub it on your arm or leg, or simply get imaginative, as well as utilize your body to really feel the orange section.

Now, stop, and go either wash or tube off. [I'll wait till you come back ...]

Think about your experience

These basic games call us to presence-- they aid us to be in our bodies, engaging our power, and sensation intimately what it resembles to be alive.

From this location of visibility, living is not something we do, yet rather is that we are.

This integrity modifications everything.

[ancientchinesesolutions]

Payton Milton’s “beginning” .

Allow me to begin - from what I would call - the beginning... It was September of 2012, I had just turned 18 the month before. One day upon waking up, I remember looking around my room - seeing that everything remained (physically) the same - "This is definitely my room...", I thought "But something is NOT the same." but even to this day, I could not explain to you for sure why that was. I sat there for a while before thinking hysterically before I left my bedroom, hoping that my mother who I lived with at the time, wouldn't look me in the eyes and I remember thinking this thought, and thinking "WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH ME. Why am I afraid to look my mom in the eyes?" and the answer to the question hit me like a ton of bricks "Because I know she can feel my thoughts... & I don't want her to know." This answer did not leave me feeling well. Fast forward a few months - I had quit smoking weed, started working out every day, & researching brain health, taking supplements such as ginkgo biloba, and attempting to meditate (I say attempting because I would usually just wind up putting myself to sleep). All to no avail, my anxiety was constant, and much worse around people. The only people I felt comfortable around anymore were people who could easily take me out if I did anything wrong. It was as if I had this constant nagging in my brain, telling me I was a threat to everyone around me, it was seemingly inescapable. I spent a few years living my life like this... It was quite the excruciating existence & I wasn’t sure it would ever end. I remember at one point, I was working in the back of a pizza shop, sincerely missing the feeling of boredom, wondering if I would ever be able to find a wife to have kids with in the state of mind I couldn't seem to alleviate, or escape. I was determined to live my life - I was not brave enough to commit suicide is what I would tell myself, and so, this wreckage of what was once a proud young man, continued on. It was not long after this that I reconnected with a friend of mine who shared the same experience as me, her name was Sarah. She had just began dating a Qi Gong teacher, and she wanted to introduce me to him. So she picked me up from that same pizza shop, and we went over to his place. She had asked him to guide us through a Qi Gong form, and he did. I thought it was pretty cool, I didn't really think to much of it in the beginning. Over the next couple months we all spent at least one day a week hanging out, and he had guided us through the same form 3 times - thats when I decided to stop being guided and start learning. So I observed him as carefully as possible, asked him questions about the different moves involved in the form, and was able to remember the entire form on my own. That is when I began my individual practice. At the time I was training myself in Muay Thai drills using YouTube, I spent about an hour per day doing this - but the Qi Gong form I had learned from Mark, my teacher, seemed to be what I wanted to do instead. So every other day I replaced my Martial Arts practice with this Qi Gong form for just less than two weeks I was practicing Qi Gong every other day for about an hour. One day - I had a vision about half way through my Qi Gong form - my first, full waking vision ever... I was flying over mountains, through clouds on the back of a giant Black - Gold trimmed Chinese Dragon, who appeared to be swimming through the Sky. He spoke to me without words and in essence, this is what he said "I am sorry for taking so long to get to you, but you must understand how small you truly are compared to the bigger things I must tend to, I had to wait until you were in between my larger callings, and here you are... & if you want to help me... This is how you can do it." I was filled to the brim with purpose for life in that moment. The thing he wanted me to do was spread the Art of Qi Gong. My anxiety was lifted, & I haven't struggled with it since. When it would rear its head at me, I would find it laughable - and I would begin my Qi Gong breathing. This was during the Late Spring/Early Summer of 2015, my 21st birthday was right around the corner. Over the next few months I had begun developing my Qi Gong practice into nothing short of a miracle - it seems I have the best luck when it comes to stumbling across amazingly authentic lineages in my Arts & Practices. I started seeing things like energy sparks, which made me feel with absolutely no doubt I knew what they meant, their origin, and was able to confidently respond to them. These newfound perceptions baffled & amazed me - how do you tell people you can see energy? & that meditating with specific movements & intentions in a certain order brought these new awarenesses to light? Well the short answer is - you can't. Not if you want people to take you seriously and not treat you like a loon! It was around this time I got a girlfriend, and not long after that my younger brother came down with the same anxiety that I had experienced. I was excited - because I had already found the cure. All he had to do was listen to me... I did not foresee what happened in the coming month as a possibility. Long story short I did not treat my brother with the amount of kindness that he required to be drawn into the only solution I was able to find in those long 3 years of anxiety. He ended up attempting to take his own life and failing once, but if there was something that anybody who knew my brother well should know about him. It's that He was determined, and He always got what He set out to get. September 7th, Labor Day, 2015 - He had an episode & stole my dads car. Driving straight off a 3-way intersection onto HWY 9 in Snohomish, WA at about 120 MPH he hit a tree, and got stuck as the car burned up. Ending his life... He had spent the last couple weeks of his life making amends with people he felt he ought to. His values shifted dramatically, from being an entrepreneur to wanting to heal people. I was so excited to spend our future pursuing the same path, pushing each other to be greater through brotherly competition. You could say what I miss most about my brother is the future we never had. This happening brought me great despair - which I have transformed into another reason to spread the Ancient Chinese Healing Art that brought back my ability to feel at peace. I was to start college later that September. To save you some time it was short lived, and I did not return for the second quarter. Traditional school was never really my strong suit. I needed something I was truly interested in to shine, & I never really found that within the school system. So I began searching for residential/live-in Martial Arts schools. You would be surprised at how very few of these you can actually find, I found none within the United States when I originally searched (for hours upon hours & multiple days). I eventually found Nam Yang retreat in Thailand. It was a Kung Fu retreat, they trained full-time - 35 Hours of training a week were scheduled. Included in their tuition was room & board, breakfast & dinner, but what really drew me in was their reputation for practicing Qi Gong (They spell it Chi Kung, but it really is the same thing).  Master Iain Armstrong performs various Qi demonstrations, including washing his face with broken glass, slapping a chain lit on fire, being kicked in the groin, and even bending swords & spears with the soft spot on his neck! This was just amazing to me, and the decision practically made itself. I signed up for their teacher training program as soon as I could get the funds together. I flew out and arrived Nov. 1st, 2017 to begin my training. I had never really been in an official teaching position before my time spent training with Master Iain, and I wouldn't find this out until earlier this year (2019), but man am I glad that he was the first man to teach me how to teach. His teaching methods are refined to a point of genius. Everything from day one compiles with perfect synchronicity well into the 4th month, and by that time, I had become my own best teacher. That is not to say I have nothing more to learn from him. What it means is that I understood the concepts that make up the Tiger-Crane Art to the point where I knew that developing myself further required constant contradictions, & variations in my training. There was never "nothing" that needed improvement. To improve one aspect you must, at times, break another. Just to come back and re-develop the broken aspect until both, contradicting motions, were able to be performed simultaneously, coinciding with perfect order & execution. In order to expand, you must contract, in order to push more effectively, you must practice how to pull better. The list of contradictions is practically endless, and they are all true! One of the most amazing things I had the pleasure of learning & experiencing was the synchronicities I discovered between Qi Gong & Kung Fu. The Horse riding stance, taught to us allowed the torso to expand even larger than embryonic breathing by itself does, and I have always been a big believer in the little differences. Everything has a point where it must reach in order to achieve its purpose, and without reaching that point, the miracle of Qi Gong & Kung Fu will not be realized. By the time I left Nam Yang, I earned my Instructor's certificate, granting me permission to teach the Tong Ling Chi Kung, Shuang Yang, & Tiger-Crane Kung Fu under the Nam Yang name. That was back in July of 2018, & perhaps the biggest accomplishment thus far in my life. Upon returning to the US of A, I began to establish a student base. This proved to be phenomenally difficult! Over the span of a year I managed to teach about six Qi Gong students, and one in both Kung Fu & Qi Gong. I struggled to charge my students, as I was having a difficult time putting a price upon these Ancient Chinese Arts that I sincerely believe transcend monetary value. (How do you put a price on effectively treating severe anxiety?) I also struggled with justifying the cost of a studio's upkeep, and as a result, hymned and hawed as I attempted to get more students interested in my services, usually just in an effort to spread the word about me. I was making no money, traveling to and from my students (who were usually over an hour away), you could say that in a way I was paying to teach. I needed a change! I wanted a reset, a change of pace. I wanted to leave society behind and disappear into the mountains for some isolated training - after all, I could easily spend 35 hours a week training without the stresses of today's world upon me. There was just one hang up... I was not confident in my ability to take care of myself, and I couldn't justify the lack of nutrition that would come without knowing how to properly forage, and hunt or fish. Thats when I began researching how to survive in the wilderness, & I came across Joshua Hamlin's & Rob Allen's survival YouTube Channel. I paid a visit to their website, and saw them offering a 45-day Wilderness Survival Instructor Course, in which they claimed to be able to teach you how to confidently survive in the wilderness - with just a knife. That was exactly what I needed in order to disappear into the mountains with confidence. It didn't take long before I convinced myself to sign up. I was absolutely thrilled to add survival to my teaching arsenal. I thought, “What if I could teach people how to confidently train themselves to become competent Martial Artists & awaken/improve their awareness by practicing Qi Gong & Meditation in the Wilderness...?” My vision had transformed! I had developed a passion for teaching, and I couldn't imagine anything more awesome than being able to teach people everything they'd need to know to confidently isolate in the wilderness, and train - not only their body, but their mind, to become the most effective instrument of being possible! Prior to attending the 45-day Wilderness Survival Instructor Course at Sigma 3 Survival School, I had no idea how great of a teacher Master Iain had truly crafted me to be. My standards of expectation were very high considering the price that I paid... To my dismay, it seemed the Instructor program was designed to weed out the weak, ensuring that only the best will filter through & earn their Instructor's certificate. A sound plan really. It is survival after all.In the beginning I abhorred this approach, and was extremely upset about it - but I refused to be defeated so easily. In addition to building shelters, fire making, procuring water, and foraging for sustenance or creating medical supplies with, we learned other various crafts necessary to sustain yourself inevitably with more ease in the wilderness, like making baskets & cordage... But the two most important lessons I learned were these; 1) How truly great my standard is for teaching my own students, and the value that it holds. 2) If you want something, and you have the means to create a functional version that fills that void - it is better to fill that void with something barely functional, than to put it off thinking that a perfect/ideal version is the only thing worth your time & effort.

[componentplanet]

Ford Sync 4 Gets Apple CarPlay, Android Auto, and Over-the-Air Updates

Version 4 of Ford Sync infotainment brings support for screens as big as 15.5 inches, wireless connections for Android Auto and Apple CarPlay, and over-the-air updates for a wide range of software/firmware updates to the car, not just infotainment updates. There will be an always-on, Alexa-like agent (wake word: Ford). It comes next year in Fords and Lincolns that are all-new or major-refresh vehicles. More in-car connections can be wireless, reducing the times a USB cable gets in the way of a center-stack control you’re trying to reach.

Bigger screens will have more windows available. The biggest screen will have a physical volume knob sticking out the bottom. All this moves Ford infotainment ahead in some respects, while in others Ford and other companies are keeping pace with each other. Ford says it’s “faster, easier and simpler than ever to use.” Ford is sticking with the QNX operating system for Sync, but it has taken development work in-house.

Ford Sync 4 15.5-inch portrait display with temperature slider, phone, and music screens. The bigger the display — 8, 10 or 15.5 inches — the more information and tiles the driver and passenger see. (Main photo shows 10-inch display.)

The Bigger the Screen, the More It Does

The basic screen is 8 inches diagonal, which is nothing special, merely better than a 7-incher. The step-up screen is 12 inches and appears to be 16:9 aspect ratio with the ability to do a 70-30 split and show two windows for what Ford calls multi-tasking. True: You can see navigation on the left, your phone or the audio stream on the right, and you can access either one, so it’s “multitasking,” but that’s pretty common.

The largest screen is 15.5 inches, portrait mount (three images, above). It for sure will go into Ford’s F-Series pickups to match and raise the 12-incher in Ram pickups. The top of the screen shows whatever you’re doing now, while the bottom has HVAC controls and a physical volume knob. The middle is three panes, or Adaptive Dash Cards, there are six running left to right; you see three, and swipe left-right to see the rest. An infotainment card would let you pause or jump tracks even if it’s not showing elsewhere. AI, or machine learning, or something automatic, decides which three to display for you. Ford says:

Available machine learning capability also means Sync 4 can automatically learn your preferences and make helpful suggestions at the right time based on previous usage. Sync 4 will make destination suggestions based on your previous navigation behavior and can even prompt you to make phone calls to people that you frequently speak to.

We hope to see working concepts by early 2019 to get a feel for how much Ford’s predictive intelligence is in sync with what you want to do.

Sync 4 Fords can do over-the-air updates. To soothe tech-anxious drivers, the update isn’t installed until the owner says to do it.

Voice Recognition, Fewer Cords

Sync 4 gets a new level of conversational voice recognition to control the center stack hardware and make infotainment selections. Some basic voice recognition is running inside the car in case you lose or don’t have connectivity. Also, it takes too long to process “Next track” or “Navigate home” in the cloud even if you have a connection working (every car, not just Ford).

All this is possible “now that every new Ford vehicle comes with optional FordPass Connect with a 4G LTE WiFi Hotspot, [and] cloud connectivity comes standard to Sync 4.” Meaning, apparently, that every Ford model offers FordPass Connect on at least some trim lines, whether standard or optional. FordPass is an app customers can load on their phones to help control Ford Motor cars, and FordPass Connect is an embedded cellular telematics modem. Ford, like most automakers, partners with AT&T as the service provider.

Onboard telematics means the ability to use the power of the cloud to process complex voice requests with the industry-standard lag of a couple seconds before the cloud gets back to you with an answer. But you can ask richer questions — just like talking to Google Assistant or Apple Siri — such as “Find the best Asian fusion restaurant near here” or find a location by its name, even if you get it a little bit wrong, or it’s not in the online POI listing.

Bluetooth and Wi-Fi can be simultaneously connected in the car. Apple CarPlay, Android Auto, Waze, and Ford’s own Sync AppLink can be used wirelessly, no need to plug in a cord, and Ford says there will be wireless (Qi) charging. It will be interesting to see how many Qi spots there’ll be on higher-end cars. Two in front and at least one in back would be nice.

The owner’s manual will be available onscreen but probably not while the car is moving, even if it’s a passenger who wants to look something up. If your car has satellite radio, you can get SiriusXM with 360L, providing streaming music either through the car and its onboard modem, or your phone. Ford also promises “curated” channels based on your listening habits.

Of importance especially to technology haters is how Ford handles updates. Much of the car, not just the infotainment system, can use over the air (OTA) updates downloaded late at night to get newer software or navigation maps. Most updates take just a minute or two. The old app remains installed until the owner decides he or she wants the update installed, then presses a button to make it happen. So the owner has a sense of being in control. And Ford says that for owners who just can’t get enough of dealership visits (actually, they didn’t put it quite that way), the owner has the option of letting the dealer do the install.

Ford Sync 3 in 2018.

Does Ford Have a Class-Leading Product?

15.5-inch portrait display with texting (no hands) at top.

Ford was early with a phone-car infotainment system starting with the first Sync in late 2007. Also called MyFord Touch, two versions carried Ford through late 2014. There were some novel parts, especially work truck apps for people whose office is their truck. The early products were decent but suffered problems of slow booting, slow operation, small fonts, and sudden crashes that turned the screen blue, the same Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) hue as on Microsoft Windows. Ford ditched Windows Automotive/Windows Embedded for Blackberry QNX and things got a lot better in 2015. That was Sync 3; Sync 4 is a significant enhancement to Sync 3.

Sync 4 should make Windows more competitive against a wide range of mainstream vehicles. Ford declined to comment on plans for Lincoln but we’re confident Sync 4 will find its way there. The company is on a roll with a string of SUV hits — the Corsair, Nautilus, and Aviator (from small to large) — and has become the attractive nameplate for buyers who value luxury and refined cockpits over Nürburgring-ready handling you’ll never use.

We’ll wait to see new-vehicle prototypes early to mid-2020 to learn which cars get what size screens. If Ford is smart, it will have 12-inch displays on midsize vehicles, not just the big cars, because a) it’s what buyers want and b) the Ford Escape circa 2010 with a 4-inch screen still leaves a bad taste, so think of Sync 4 as reparations. We’re also interested to see how much redundancy there is between touchscreen controls and physical buttons. Many users prefer a fan or temperature control that is always visible on the dash, large, and easy to manipulate. If you’ve ever had to hunt for the seat heater button that is only on the LCD, two levels down, you know why users love dials.

We trust Ford will offer entry and mid-grade trims without a navigation system ($500) since Google Maps and Waze are more than good enough. Ford could also continue to offer its own on-phone navi app that runs off the phone. Buyers are happy enough with what’s on the phone. If an automaker wants to offer premium services that require the automaker’s own navigation, then maybe it has to include onboard navigation free or for $99 if it plans to charge for services overload atop navigation.

If Ford goes to Sync 4 only as it ships new models — roughly every six to seven years — and mid-life refreshes every three to four, Sync 4 would be on all cars sold by 2023 or 2024. Sooner is always better. Ford has made a lot of smart bets: moving to SUVs (even if millennials say they want sedans), making Lincoln luxury not sports/luxury, committing to to electrification, and even targeted bits of utility such as Pro Trailer Backup Assist (turn a knob the direction you the whole vehicle to go and it does, without jackknifing). Sync 4 could be another differentiator for Ford.

Now read:

Ford Sync 3: better and faster, if not a standout

Top Cars of the 2019 Tokyo Motor Show

2020 Ford Expedition Review: For Big Trips, Big Families, Big Budgets

from ExtremeTechExtremeTech https://www.extremetech.com/extreme/301357-ford-sync-4-gets-apple-carplay-android-auto-and-over-the-air-updates from Blogger http://componentplanet.blogspot.com/2019/11/ford-sync-4-gets-apple-carplay-android.html