#but what if change is good? what if (and im not) 14 anymore? what then??

[tiddiesoutwhenthetisout]

not me curling my laptop charger wire the way you curl band equipment cords HAHAHA god i miss it

[ame-to-ame]

there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them

[cakeissweeterthanpickles]

to start over, you know?

[serverusslaype]

Shameless, pt. 14

Severus Snape x professor!reader fic

Masterpost & other things!

hello.... this is a shorter chapter than usual, but i thought i'd use it to sort of flesh out the idea of what is currently going through their minds! pls forgive me </3

the majority of this chapter is smutty. i will say that. so i do apologise to the readers who don't enjoy reading such things :(. i will mark it with the usual big red *.

i hope you guys are happy and healthy because that's what we love to see!! did you have a good halloween? i dressed up as sexy Snape lmfao.

warnings: smut, slight degradation?, tiny bit of bdsm idk? help, (like it's so so minor, trust me) MINORS DNI!!, angst at the end so pls prepare yourselves im sorry

"Again." Severus demanded, his voice strict and firm as he watched you from his desk, practicing the Patronus charm with a heaving chest. You were growing immensely tired at this point, however, Severus was not yielding. He was determined for you to learn this charm whether you could handle it or not. Your safety was his priority.

Beads of sweat trickled down your temple as a deep sigh left your parted lips. "I'm trying, Severus," You whined, wincing a tad as your muscles began to ache. You'd been at this for almost two hours straight now, and your body was beginning to pay for it. "I don't know why it's not working, this memory worked with Lupin!" A frustrated cry slipped from you as you huffed.

"Perhaps that memory is not your happiest anymore," Severus mused, folding his arms against his chest as he leant against the edge of his desk, observing your tired body. "Has anything happened recently that rivals your previous chosen memory?" He asked with a curious tone, quirking a brow. You glanced at him and swallowed as your cheeks flushed an embarrassingly deep shade of red. The only thing that could have possibly changed was your recent encounter with Severus in his office. In that moment, you'd never felt happier. You'd never felt such a strong, powerful feeling towards another person before - you'd almost confessed your true feelings to him. ...Twice.

"Erm," you coughed, looking away from him, "maybe, I don't know." You said quietly as you stood up straight, brushing your hair behind your ear. A deep chuckle reached your ears as you looked up at Severus with burning cheeks. A devious smirk was painted across his face, and instantly you knew that he knew exactly what had changed.

"Ah," he hummed, unable to contain his proud smile, "of course."

You rolled your eyes at him, groaning slightly. "Took you long enough." Another sigh left your lips again, though this time it was softer. With your eyes glued to him, you took a moment to appreciate how Severus looked currently - the way he leant against the edge of his desk accentuated his lean figure; the black coat that was tugged tightly against his torso complemented his thick, strong body perfectly. You even felt yourself becoming a little... distracted.

"May I ask what your... previous memory was?" Severus asked, standing up from his desk and stalking towards you in a slow manner, tucking his hands behind his back. Your breath hitched a tad as he got closer and closer, his signature scent filling your nostrils as he stopped just a foot in front of you. The pounding of your heart grew louder in your ears as he stared down at you with a curious sparkle in his black eyes.

"It was the, erm, you know when we danced... together?" Your voice was as soft as velvet as you spoke, entrancing Severus as his eyes remained glued to yours. He raised a hand to your cheek and gently brushed the back of his knuckles against it, sending a shiver down your spine. You smiled up at him and brought your hand up to hold it against his.

"That was the happiest moment you could think of?" Severus asked, his brows furrowing together as he frowned at you, evidently confused. Surely, for a sweet, kind person such as you, you'd have a plentiful amount of happy memories to choose from - he was in disbelief that such a small, almost insignificant moment between the two of you brought you so much happiness.

"Yeah," You laughed quietly, pursing your smiling lips as he slowly pulled his hand away from your cheek but kept a hold of your own hand. He absentmindedly played with your fingers, glancing between them and your eyes. "That was a special moment to me."

Severus didn't speak, he kept quiet for the time being, instead savouring the soft moment between the two of you. The corners of his lips gradually tugged upwards into a small smile as he stared at you, quite obviously in awe. You blinked up at him, smiling back, your heart almost bursting at the sweet sight.

As many times as he smiled at you, you didn't think you'd ever get used to it - it was so surreal to see Severus with a smile on his face, and every time you did, you'd melt.

"Alright," Severus sighed gently as he kept his voice quiet. "One more time." He said, bringing your hand up to his lips to kiss your knuckles tenderly. Your smile widened at his action. "Speak it clearly."

You nodded and watched as he released your hand, stepping backwards to give you some space. Taking a slow and deep breath, you focused yourself, pointing your wand in front of you as you envisioned the memory of you and Severus intertwined together on his desk. "Expecto Patronum!" You exclaimed, eyes widening in shock as a spark of blue-white light sprouted from the tip of your wand. It only lasted a few moments, but as you glanced at Severus, you couldn't help but grin at the proud expression painted across his features. "I've almost got it."

"Almost, yes." Severus agreed as his dark eyes flicked to yours, softening. "Well done." He said, a small smile gracing his lips. Your grin brightened, and you stepped towards him, sheathing your wand in your dress pocket.

"It's quite incredible what a good teacher can do." You muttered with a smirk as you folded your arms against your chest, tilting your head as you gazed up at Severus. He arched a brow at you, clocking your rather flirtatious tone.

"I believe your previous words were 'it helps a lot when you have a teacher you like'." Severus said flatly. You were a little astounded at how he remembered something you said to him so long ago.

You cleared your throat awkwardly, "Yes, well, you were rather unlikeable back in the day." You had to fight back a giggle as Severus rolled his eyes at your reply.

"You know, you and your classmates were just as unlikeable." Severus said and took a step towards you, narrowing his eyes. Your breath hitched once more as he was inches away from you. "Burning my cauldrons, destroying my equipment," He drawled with a sharp tongue, cocking his head as he stared down at you; an intimidating flicker in his black eyes. You almost shivered under his heavy glower, your chest tightening and your legs tingling. "Disrupting my lessons." Severus added, tutting. Suddenly, you felt like you were back at school as you stood in front of him, speechless and nervous. He could turn you into a sputtering mess so easily - even with just one look you were like putty in his hands.

"I... you..." You stuttered over your words with fluttering eyes as Severus leaned down into your face, his hot breath tickling your flushing cheeks. Your chest rose and fell in short bursts as your breaths became ragged and wanting, your body instinctively succumbing to him. As you held his gaze, you felt like you couldn't breathe - it was almost like your whole body was being squeezed in a deathgrip, and your mind was slowly becoming clouded with rather distasteful thoughts involving you and him.

"Hmm," Severus hummed deeply, raising a hand to tilt your chin up with his index finger, "speechless, for once." The corners of his lips curled up to form a devious smirk, evidently pleased with how easily he had turned you into a stammering mess. "Suddenly, I remember what peace and quiet means." He added sarcastically, and you turned your attention to the right, attempting to regain your composure.

"Shut up." You scoffed, turning your head back to stare at him, offering a look of disbelief. 

"Feeling brave, are we, Miss L/N?" Severus took another step towards you with a wicked smirk, his chest brushing against yours, sending your body into a shivering mess. "That attitude of yours needs to go, don't you think?" His voice was quiet now, yet it still harnessed an authoritative twinge to it, and that only spurred you on more.

"Definitely not." You shot back, testing him. He was clearly playing a game with you, and you wanted to see just how far he would go.

Severus quirked a brow shortly before using his cold hand to grab your jaw gently, but with just enough force to ensure you knew he was the one in charge. You gasped as his cold skin met with your hot skin, shooting a delicious shiver down his spine. An excited tingle rushed through your burning hot body as he squeezed your jaw a tad; brushing his thumb over your bottom lip. Severus's other hand flew to grab at your hip, pulling you taut against him. A short yet sweet moan slipped from your lips at the body-to-body contact, and suddenly, you felt every last bit of self-respect vanish from you as you melted into his addicting touch.

"So disrespectful," Severus murmured, pushing his face towards yours, "perhaps a reminder is in order." He shifted his hand from your waist to your wrists and grabbed them, his lips teasingly brushing against yours. You leant forwards, about to kiss him, and he pulled away, drawing a wanting whine from your parted lips. Even through the dark dimness of his office, he selfishly drank in the beautiful sight of you, gazing at your pretty lips and your flushed, rosy cheeks.  

"Sev-," You whined, voice breathless and desperate.

"Quiet." Severus ordered with a stern tone. Instantly, with wide, dark eyes, you shut your mouth. Usually you wouldn't fall so easily to his commands, however, he currently had you following them like a lovesick puppy.

*

Severus released your jaw from the grip of his hand and cooly retrieved his wand from his sleeve. Your curious eyes fell to his slender and pale fingers as they curled around the obsidian wand, watching on as he teasingly traced the tip of it up the side of your waist and over your ribs, pulling a breathy gasp from your mouth. His eyes flicked up to yours at the sound, his mouth quirking upwards. Your body jerked at the ticklish sensation; goosebumps littering your skin.

Reaching your neck, he pressed it a little harder, trailing it up towards your jaw and leaving a long, pink line behind upon your skin. His other hand, that held your wrists captive, lifted them above your head, and he aimed the tip of his wand at them. 

"Fulgari." Severus whispered, and suddenly you felt a rope tighten around your wrists, binding them. You inhaled sharply at the sensation and you glanced up to see that he'd bound your wrists together. As you looked back down, his eyes glittered wickedly, and you couldn't help but feel a bolt of excitement shoot through you. He placed his wand back up his black sleeve.

Before you could say another word, a cold hand had snaked underneath the skirt of your dress and his fingertips inched slowly up your legs, finding your luscious thighs. You let out a quiet cry of pleasure as Severus kneaded your flesh; his thumb dancing dangerously close to your panties. Despite his hand holding your bound wrists, your arms began to ache from holding them above your head - he may have been holding your wrists, but he wasn't holding them up. Severus was merely clutching them in a show of dominance. He shifted the hand underneath your skirt up towards your panties, his index finger curling around the soaked gusset.

"So wet for me already," he groaned, brushing his thumb against the wet material, "little slut." A flash of hunger flickered across his hardened eyes. Severus tugged the material to the side, his knuckles brushing against your wetness, drawing another sweet cry of pleasure from your quivering lips. Severus nearly lost control of himself right then and there, and so he paused for a moment to gather himself.

"Not so brave now, are you, Y/N?" Severus muttered, a devilish smirk crossing his features as he pressed his lips against your ear; teeth nipping at the lobe of it. The way his breathless voice uttered your name almost sent you into orbit, and you had to squeeze your eyes shut to bring yourself back down to Earth.

Severus pressed a cold digit against your clit, a sharp cry falling from your lips as he began to circle it at a teasingly slow pace; your eyebrows shooting together in a show of utter pleasure. Your body trembled as he placed his whole hand underneath your wet panties, pressing his palm against your pussy, an uncontrollable shiver shuddering through your body as the contrast of his cold hand against your burning hot core shocked you like an electric volt.

A breathless moan flew out of you at the contact, your throat beginning to burn from how heavily you'd been breathing. "Fuck!" You hissed, your hips instinctively rocking against his hand; desperate to find some sort of friction. Severus let out an almost evil chuckle and your eyes shot open at the noise. Before you could cuss him out, he dipped two fingers inside of you, curling them swiftly, another tingle of pleasure making you quiver. You cried out at the sensation as he began to pump his fingers inside of you, an unruly amount of moans beginning to slip from your trembling lips. Severus threw his mouth against yours without a second thought, swallowing your moans greedily, diving his tongue into your mouth as if to silence you. You kissed him back harshly, pulling your bound wrists free from his grasp and looping them around his neck.

Desperately, you pulled Severus closer to you with your tied wrists, your knees beginning to buckle as you neared your high. "Hnngh, Sev-," You whined through sloppy kisses, saliva coating both of your lips as you pulled away with a wet smooch, unable to focus on him as he brought you closer and closer to your climax. You felt that familiar feeling build up inside of you like a branch about to snap from immense pressure. 

Immediately, Severus's free hand flew to your waist to hold you up as he felt you slipping from his grip, his fingers inside of you picking up quite a quick pace. Your head fell backwards from the overwhelming sensation growing within your belly, and you used your bound wrists in a vain attempt to hold yourself up as they hung around his neck; your spasming fingers digging into his upper back. "Fuck-fuck-fuck!" You cried out as he latched his lips onto your neck, biting and sucking at it like a crazed animal. "Sev, I'm gonna- I'm..." Your thighs squeezed around his hand and your toes curled as you felt that branch cracking, splitting and finally snapping. Your orgasm blew through you like an explosive bomb; your pulsing walls clenching around his fingers as you came. Severus shifted his attention from your neck to your earlobe, using the tip of his tongue to lick at it; his heavy, panting breaths and the rush of your blood being the only two things you could hear.

"Always such a good girl for me," Severus murmured into your ear, and you rocked your hips against his hand again, whimpering at his praise. Gods, it drove you fucking crazy when he called you that. "Gorgeous." He whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the spot of skin just below your ear.

As you let your head fall forwards, you nudged your nose against his cheek, prompting him to move his head back to gaze at you. His hungry, black eyes were blown and wide, like a predator hunting its prey. With heavy-lidded eyes, you smiled lazily and leaned in to press a messy kiss upon Severus's wet, swollen lips. As he pulled his fingers out from you, you whined a bit, mourning the loss of his touch. He indulged your kisses, and kissed you back forcefully, his tongue delving past your lips and into your mouth again.

With greedy hands, Severus quickly slipped them underneath your thighs and hitched you upwards, guiding them to wrap around his waist. Your bound wrists still hung around his neck as he leaned forwards slightly, aiming his torso at a forty-five degree angle. You tightened your legs around his waist as his hands left your sweating body to find his trousers; deft and long fingers swiftly unbuckling them and letting them fall lazily around his hips. He quickly tugged down his boxers and lined himself up against your dripping slit, pushing his cock inside of you without another word. You cried out at the fullness and clenched around him, drawing a deep, guttural groan from Severus as his hands found your bum, holding you up as he began to guide you up and down. Strings of needy whimpers and moans left your lips as you tugged him closer with your arms locked around his neck, directing his face to yours. You leaned forwards and crashed your lips against his again, kissing him with such passion and raw need that he almost lost his footing.

You gasped as Severus let you fall down completely onto him. "Jesus-!" You exclaimed and squeezed your eyes shut, your mouth flying open. A wild, strangled moan fell out of it afterwards as your hands tried to clutch onto the material of his jacket upon his back but to no avail.

You weren't exactly sure how you two always found yourselves tangled up with one another each time you were in this very room, however, in this current sticky, hot moment, you couldn't care less. Severus was fucking you like a deranged animal, panting heavily in your ears, your legs burning and aching as they were clamped around his waist. You felt that hotness begin to pool in your belly once more.

Severus pulled away from your lips with a throaty moan as you buried your nails into his scalp, fisting the long locks of his black hair. "D'you know- fuck," he growled as he throttled into you, his voice raspy, "how many times I've fantasised about this? How many times I've touched myself thinking about this moment?" He finished, glistening eyes burning into yours as he stared at you with parted lips. Your lungs felt empty as his words drilled into you, a helpless whimper being the only thing you could respond with. "You're mine." Severus hissed as your brain melted; his cock buried so deep within you that you thought you'd pass out from the immense amount of pleasure that was seeping into your bones; rendering your body senseless.

The way he deemed you his had truly ruined you. You were his. Nobody else's. You knew it from the first moment he had you trapped against that wall a year ago - the second his invigorating and intoxicating scent surrounded you, the way he'd glared down at you with those beautiful yet haunting black eyes, you knew you were fucked. You were never Ben's. He was merely a distraction, perhaps an interlude, if you will. You and Severus were always bound to be together.

And now, you just needed to rid yourself of the parasite named Ben.

"I'm yours," You whispered, lifting your head up to gaze at Severus with glossy, heavy-lidded eyes; a hazy look lingering within them. "Yours." You repeated breathlessly, inducing another deep growl from the man that held you captive with his powerful hands.

Severus's lips curled at the edges as he stared at you, "Smart girl." He muttered, kissing you with a smirk, nipping your lips with his teeth. You squealed as his pace became sloppy and careless, sheathing his whole length inside of you with every thrust. Gods, he was ruining you.

And you loved every second of it.

"Severus," You panted with a sweet moan, tears beginning to burn your eyes as the soul-shattering pleasure was slowly becoming too much to bear. His eyes fluttered as you moaned his name. "I can't-" You sobbed, your toes curling as they tingled, turning numb.

"Yes, you can, you can take it, my love," Severus whispered, kissing your cheek in a tender fashion, silently encouraging you. "You can take me." He added, pressing his cheek against your own flushed one. You felt sweat trickle down your temple as Severus fucked into you ruthlessly, the ever-tightening coil buried in your belly at it's breaking point. 

With his gentle words of encouragement, you forced yourself to hold out a little longer for Severus, your throbbing legs tightening like an anaconda around his waist. You were certain that they'd cramp up at any second now. Severus stumbled forwards and one hand left your body to catch himself, his palm landing on his desk. Gently but quickly, he let your bum rest against the flat surface as he continued thrusting into you messily, evidently nearing his climax.

"You're doing so well," Severus muttered against your lips, a hand coming to squeeze your waist, pulling a delightful moan from your quivering mouth. "Doing so good, my sweet girl."

Merlin's beard, you almost lost it right there. Hearing him call you that almost had you tumbling over the edge without a second thought. You felt like you were dreaming at this point - your mind was so hazy and jaded with orgasmic pleasure that you couldn't tell the difference between reality and fantasy.

Was this real?

Gods, you hoped so.

The slaps of your flesh filled the room and you couldn't hold back any longer. You couldn't even form a sentence, let alone mumble a thing as your second orgasm rocked through you, your body jerking as Severus continued to slam into you carelessly, his thrusts quickly becoming abrupt and sloppy. You cried out a strangled string of moans as he filled you up with his thick cock. Severus's spent body leaned over you as he came; the tips of his raven-black locks tickling your flushed, red and sweaty cheeks.

The pair of you remained still, despite your heaving chests and trembling bodies. A toothy, opened mouth grin broke out on your face as you stared up at Severus who was still recovering from the Earth-shattering orgasm that had just rattled through his body. You laughed softly, going to move your hands to cup his cheeks, though you quickly realised that they were still bound together from Severus's spell earlier.

"My wrists," You mumbled, tugging at his neck with a small smile. "Would you mind?"

"Ah," Severus hummed, moving a hand to lift your tied wrists from his neck. He held them in front of him, hesitating for a moment. "I seem to prefer you like this." He joked, eyes flicking up playfully to look at you.

"Don't push it." You laughed, watching as he retrieved his black wand from his sleeve.

A sly smirk tickled his lips as he glanced down at your wrists, pointing his wand at the binds. "Emancipare." He muttered, a content hum slipping from your mouth as you rubbed the sore area of skin.

"Thank you." You smiled up at Severus, finally shifting your hands to cup his flushed cheeks. He looked away from you bashfully; long black eyelashes hiding his eyes like he was too shy to look at you.

Severus cleared his throat, "...You're welcome."

You pulled his face down towards you and kissed him softly, your legs still around his waist, though this time they were resting gently around it. Severus kissed you back, slowly moving a hand to cup your cheek, his thumb sweetly brushing it like it was the most delicate thing in the world. You'd almost forgotten that he was still inside of you, and so as he moved, you gasped; a cheeky smirk reaching his lips at your reaction.

Severus moved his hips again, the hot warmth and sense of comfort that your pussy brought him was addicting - as were the noises that he drew from you. Your brows shot upwards, accompanied with a soft moan as he pulled almost all of himself out of you, before slowly thrusting back into you.

You had to take a moment to breathe before you spoke. "Can't help yourself, can you?" You grinned, pressing another kiss to his lips as he kept a slow pace in you.

"No," Severus muttered against your soft lips, "not when it's you." He whispered, making your heart flutter.

"Not when it's me?" You pulled away from the comforting touch of his kisses, looking up at him with big eyes. He nudged the tip of your nose with his own.

Severus sighed, gazing at you with soft eyes, "You know what I mean."

Before you could say another word, he silenced you with another sweet kiss, and you melted into his touch, any other thought of what you were going to say to him vanishing. Severus resumed his slow, gentle thrusts, plucking another handful of quiet moans from your lips. With every deep thrust, your legs twitched; your body rather overly sensitive from before. Severus noticed your jerks, and he slowed his pace even further, not wanting to push you too far. He adored watching how your body reacted to him, but he knew when you couldn't take anymore.

As the two of you continued to gently kiss each other, your mind was clouding again as you felt his hands caress your figure, thumbs brushing over you. You found lost yourself in the transcendental feeling once more. You gasped as you felt his cool hands slip to the underneath of your thighs, tickling your hot skin; erupting goosebumps.

Severus pulled away for a moment, marvelling at you from above, a comfortable silence encapsulating the both of you as you made love. Your eyes followed him, glazed over his angular face, quietly admiring how gorgeous he truly was. The sheen of sweat that sat upon his skin made him look like a marble statue, and you couldn't help but wonder how you'd gotten so lucky.

I love you, you wanted to say. 

I adore you, your mind was begging you to whisper to him.

You opened your mouth a tad, as if to say what you wanted, however, you decided against it. You weren't exactly sure if this was the right time to say something so big, and you certainly didn't want to disrupt this perfect moment. As much as you wanted to praise Severus, just to tell him how much you truly adored him, you couldn't bring yourself to do so. A small, yet sharp burst of pain struck your heart as you remembered how he shut himself off from you when you'd danced together right in this very room, and you feared what he might do if you revealed your true feelings for him. You were almost certain he'd run away. You couldn't exactly imagine him reacting well to it. He... didn't seem like the type.

Little did you know, Severus was also umming and erring on the same idea. It was torture for him. He wanted you to say it first. Could you imagine the chaos if he told you he'd fallen in love with you? Gods, it seemed like the two of you were nothing but fuck-buddies at this point - you were still with Ben, regretfully, and so what could Severus do but simmer in his raging jealousy and bitterness? Sure, he got the good parts of you, but Ben got to call you his. For now. And that's what Severus truly desired. He wanted the honour of calling you his. The two of you might've said it earlier, but you were so lost in the utter raw madness of that animalistic sex that the thought of it being a heat-of-the-moment thing began to plague his racing mind. Why wouldn't you say you were 'his' when his cock was buried so deep inside of you? It'd be fucking awkward if you didn't.

*

Did you feel the same way about him as he did you? Or was this some sort of lustful fantasy for you? He remembered that you were still with Ben - surely if you felt so strongly about him, you would have ended it with Bluewater as soon as possible. But you hadn't. Maybe this was some sort of fantasy for you. He winced at the thought. Why on Earth did he believe that you'd want to be with some old, grumpy and ugly man like him? He felt like a complete dunderhead.

Severus had fallen in love with you, and now realising it, he suddenly wished that he'd spoken to you about this shit before the two of you fell into such a deep, messy and fucked up rabbit-hole. His love for you was incredibly strong, and ultimately it scared him. In all honesty, he didn't believe he was deserving of having someone care for him, let alone love him. Severus was known to be cruel, unfeeling and rude - so why should he deserve someone as sweet as you? He'd been nothing but horrible all his life, he had even been a Death Eater, for Merlin's sake. And no Death Eater deserved a happy ending. They were known to be awful, heinous people.

As Severus's mind continued to race, he began to doubt if he'd survive another heartbreak. He'd just about managed it with Lily, much less walking in on her lifeless, dead body. That had truly broken him. He dreaded to think about what losing you would do to him.

And suddenly, he felt himself pulled towards the idea of pushing you away, just to save himself the pain.

And you.

Gods, you didn't deserve any of this. Severus was selfish to have even pursued you. But he couldn't help himself - something about you had just drawn him in like a moth to a flame.

"Hey," Your soft voice pulled Severus from his hellish thoughts, and his distracted eyes darted down to your worried ones. "What are you thinking about?" You asked, careful to keep your voice quiet and gentle.

"Nothing, Y/N," Severus muttered, forcing a smile onto his lips as he leant down to press a tender kiss to your forehead. "I think I'm just... tired." He added quietly, and slowly pulled himself out of you. A worried frown took hold of your features as you watched him reach for a cloth to clean himself.

"Oh," You swallowed, trying to fight back the lump that was beginning to form in your throat. Was he running again? You weren't sure, but you were going to find out. You couldn't deal with that heartbreak again, especially not when you were so deep in with him now. "Are you sure, Sev?" You asked hesitantly, suddenly feeling rather nervous. Was it something you did or said?

"Positive." Severus nodded, his cloth-less hand moving forwards to lift up your skirt so he could wipe away any mess that had accumulated between your thighs. You remained silent as he cleaned you, and you noticed that a solemn look had gathered on his face. This wasn't looking good, but what could you do? He wasn't willing to talk about it, clearly, and you didn't want to push him any further than he wanted.

"I enjoyed tonight." You said softly, though it was more as of a way to see what he thought. You kept your eyes on his hands.

"As did I." Severus replied, his eyes avoiding yours, though you caught the end of a small, sad smile upon his lips. Everything he was doing wasn't pointing to something good.

"I suppose I should head back," you forced a smile onto your face, "it's getting late." You hummed, glancing at the clock on his wall. Almost quarter to eleven o'clock at night. That smile soon fell as you watched Severus stand up straight, his face blank. You adjusted your dress and slipped off of his desk to stand in front of him.

"Yes." Was all he said, though his eyes said something entirely different. They looked... sad.

"...Okay." An awkward smile slipped onto your face as you nodded. Your head was currently spinning. What did you do for him to act like this? You sped through the memories of this evening, from the moment you walked through the door to the exact moment he'd suddenly flipped. Nothing was sticking out, and that worried you. Was it just you? Was it how you looked that randomly turned him off? You suddenly felt very self-conscious.

An uncomfortable silence engulfed the two of you.

A few quiet moments passed before Severus's deep, serious voice pierced through it. "I won't be able to see you tomorrow evening for Patronus lessons. I have a few students in detention."

"Right." You sighed softly, pursing your lips. Your hunch was right - he was distancing himself again. Maybe he just needed some time to himself, and he'd come right. He'd realise that he was being ridiculous, surely.

Severus hummed, silently analysing your stiff body. "I'll send you an owl to let you know when I next have a free evening." You frowned at him, confused and a little hurt.

"An owl? Can't you just come and see me?"

"I have a lot of work to catch up on." Severus said, and noticed how his usual soft tone had vanished, a stern one taking its place. He sighed through his nose as he stared at you, and it suddenly felt as if you were a nuisance to him.

"Have I done something wrong?" You asked softly, not willing to leave without an answer as to why he was acting so off towards you.

"No, you have not," Severus's eyes flicked to the right as he turned away from you, stepping to his desk chair. "Like I said, I'm just tired."

You sucked in your bottom lip, frustrated. "Why are you acting like this?" You questioned him and stepped forwards so you were stood in front of his desk as he sat in his chair. Severus closed his eyes and raised two fingers to massage his temples - a sign you'd come to realise that he was either getting a headache, or becoming overly irritated.

"Acting like what?" He groaned, and your brows knitted together at his behaviour, twisting your features into a sour expression. Severus opened his eyes again, though this time you did notice how red the whites of them were - perhaps he truly was tired. Regardless of whether he was tired or not, he didn't have a right to treat you like some cumbersome student, especially after what had just happened. It felt as if he was tossing you aside like some dirty laundry.

"Sev-," you scoffed and threw your hands against your face, sighing deeply, "how can you be so blind to this?" You asked as you brought your hands down and folded them against your chest. "You're acting like we didn't just fuck on your desk, I mean- you're acting like I just came in here to ask for some sort of tedious favour."

"Save your breath, Y/N," Severus shut his eyes again, obviously not willing to continue this conversation. As he spoke your name, a pang shot through his chest, and he almost winced at the pain. It only reminded him of what ran through his head only moments ago. "We can talk about this another time. For now, I have work to do." As he opened his eyes once more, he kept them glued to the surface of his desk; reaching a hand out to pull an unmarked assignment towards him. All he wanted to do was bury himself in his work.

He doesn't feel the same, your mind suddenly echoed, and your felt your throat tighten as you stared at him. You fell in love with him, but he didn't fall in love with you, and that was that. You'd just become his fucktoy, an outlet for his stress-relief after a hard day at work. A fool, that's what you were. All of those sweet, soft moments between the two of you were nothing but a fantasy, a fake sense of reality, and you'd fallen for it. The pet names, the tender touches... you'd read him so wrong - to you, right now, you believed that Severus only wanted you for your body, and not your heart. You meant nothing to him, but he meant everything to you.

But what about that time when you'd made love? Did he not feel anything towards you then? Was that just some sort of pathetic attempt of him feeling some sort of affection?

With disbelieving eyes, you watched as he proceeded to dip his quill in the ink-pot. "You're kidding, right?" You guffawed at him, blinking as if he'd just told a terrible joke. His jaw clenched.

"Please, just leave me be." Severus's voice was strict, and you could tell that he was very much serious about this. There was no way you could change his mind, and that only hurt you further. Your eyes burned, and your throat suddenly possessed a lump at the back of it.

"Fine." You whispered and inhaled sharply, attempting to swallow the sobs that were so desperately fighting to slip out of your mouth. But you refused to let Severus see your tears. Without another wasted second, you spun around and stormed towards his door, reaching out a shaking hand to grab the handle. You waited for a moment before opening it, as if half expecting Severus to take back his words, and admit how wrong he was.

But, nothing came. No words, no hand grabbing yours, nothing. The only thing you heard was the metal tip of his quill scratching against the parchment on his desk. A raging surge of anger throttled through you like a wild, frenzied animal, and you turned around, opening your mouth as if to berate him. But you couldn't. As much as you despised him in this current moment, you couldn't hurt him. Not with your words at least. Severus didn't even shift a limb to look up at you, he kept his head down, continuing to scrawl away, pretending like he didn't just tell you to get lost after fucking you.

And so you turned back around with a burning throat, wrenching his door open and slamming it behind you with tears in your eyes. It felt like you couldn't breathe as you stomped down the halls of the dungeons, making your way back to your quarters. What the fuck was your problem with going for such deranged, awful men? Did you hate yourself? Is that why you put yourself in these situations?

You couldn't deal with Severus's back-and-forth shit anymore, he'd hurt you more than enough times. Even if you were in love with him, and he wasn't with you, you were just going to have to deal with it. You got yourself into this fucked up mess, and you were going to get yourself out of it.

let me know what you thought, if you hate me im sorry. ITS FOR THE PLOT!!

apologies for the long, long delay of an update, i was just taking a loong break. <3 i hope you guys are doing okay!!

taglist:

@a-laufeyson

@emilynissangtr

@livillain00

@meowskii

@nooneeveryonenoone

@vesperbatty

@biggest-simp-eversposts

@881127fara

@freshmoneyalmondathlete

@sonoluvr22

@v3lv3tvampir3

@lashipperrubia

@camilla-black

@acakius

@hiddlestonspassionsackx

@tellatubbies

@mikariell95

@sunshinemink

@m0rtifiedg0th

@spookymicrowave

@sayonara30

@novas-dreamworld

@ms-snape

@captainrogers-19

@once-upon-an-imagine

@cj-ghostemoji-destielpie

@renirat

@0chemicalwaste0

@6kaja9

@guardiandear

@gloriousrebelrunaway

@ameliachastain

@setsuna-meiou31

@kateris-world

@unatempesta-dipensieri

@jspidey5

@lyrixsnape

@bbykens

@johnmurphys-sass

@rockymiles

@joshysloshy

@luckylightcosplay

[love-byers]

mike's weird language when he talks about el and their relationship

part of the equation of stranger things relationships is building the relationship through emotional connection, not physical intimacy and outright saying how you feel. it's a trope in st that the couples refuse to admit their feelings for some time before getting together. "we're just friends", "she's not my girlfriend" etc etc. the denial is super endearing. and even when the couples are finally together, this doesn't change. they're literally just the same duo same friends, but they kiss sometimes. they barely even acknowledge that they're together. it's a great trope in my opinion.

so a couple years ago i was rewatching st and made a list of everytime mike said something weird. meaning, every time mike did not adhere to this formula and stood out from the rest of the couples. i made a tiktok about it too so im basically quoting that in this post. something i stressed in that video was that because we have the other couples as source material, clearly the writers are capable of not doing this. they are capable of writing a good serious relationship, but they're choosing not to with mlvn. so keep in mind, the other couples (besides maybe stancy) do not do this and mike is supposedly, according to his own words, is madly and deeply in love with her throughout all of this and knows it.

Season 3

"Romantic time with my girlfriend."

i'll cut this one some slack, it's just that if you were truly madly in love it would be more like "I'm spending time with el". but thats all he views it as, romantic time with his girlfriend. going to his girlfriends house to make out with her. romantic time with his girlfriend. not bonding with the person he loves.

"Did you think we were never gonna get girlfriends?"

mike is hyperfocused on the word girlfriend. she's not el, the person he loves, she's his girlfriend. he doesn't say "did you think we were never gonna fall in love?" and look i get he's only like 14 here but it's the fact that he later claims he was in love with her the entire time and knew it. he literally claims it was love at first sight.

get girlfriends. he got a girlfriend. he didn't fall in love.

"It's not my fault you don't like girls!"

again the hyperfixation on girls, get a girlfriend, liking girls. mike, why are you more focused on the fact that el is a girl and your girlfriend than the fact that she's el?

"You're the most important thing to me in the world."

finn's delivery of this is so.....

and the fact that el just stares at him blankly afterwards, like she did not buy that lmao

Season 4

"That's because she's my girlfriend, Will!"

it's not "that's because i love her and want to talk to her" or something like that, it's "thats because she's my girlfriend and that's what you're supposed to do when you have a girlfriend" not "because she's el and i love her". that plays into mike's whole charade in lenora, he's just doing things he thinks he's supposed to do when you have a girlfriend.

"You're a superhero!"

that has nothing to do with who el is as a person, especially at that moment because at that time, el didn't have her powers. at the time, everyone believed they were gone, she wouldn't be saving the world anymore. but mike is still saying how incredible she is because she's a superhero.

i hate dr brenner so fucking much, but he did say something i really agree with. el kept going back to the concept monsters and heros, and he says those are things of myth and fairytale. not everything is black and white. this is real life, not a made up story with clear good and evil. and ultimately that helps her accept what happened with 001. he was 100% right there.

then here comes mike talking about monsters and superheros again like WRAP IT UP YA'LL ARE TOO GROWN FOR THIS

"You're the most incredible person in the world!"

again, he says that, but doesn't say why. he just expects her to believe him. it's such a broad statement and doesn't connect to anything about el and her personality/interests/ideas.

"Maybe I should've said something, and if I would've said that thing, maybe she'd want me there with her, wherever she is."

he wishes he'd just said it so she'd be satisfied and want him there and he'd know she's okay, he doesn't wish he'd said it so el would know in her heart that he loves her. "i love you" to mike isn't a geniune confession of his feelings, it's a thing. it's a thing that you say. it's something he thinks he has to say because that's what couples do and it's what el wants. if you fell in love with someone at first sight you do not refer to an expression of your love for them as 'that thing'.

"Maybe I was worrying to much about el. . ."

i really don't know what he meant by this. if she is the most important thing to him in the whole world and is deeply in love with her, why in the mother FUCK would he be apologizing TO WILL for worrying too much about her. there wouldn't be too much worrying when you love someone that much.

"You can fly, you can move mountains I believe that."

she literally can't.

"I love you for exactly who you are. You're my superhero."

the first time i saw this i literally thought "oh thats not..."

because it's.....not. one or the other would've been....fine i guess. but the first preceding the other is just not it. i love you for exactly who you are, and that is my superhero. is that all she is to you, mike? el expresses constant worry of being a monster, a bad person. she's afraid that she's a monster with or without her powers. but dr owens said "I'm willing to bet you're one of the good ones." fucking OWENS said something more reassuring than her boyfriend and supposed love of her life, mike wheeler.

THATS NOT ROMANTIC.

[hibiscusseaart]

Had a dream today and I'm evolving it as I go here

The main idea that Rin didn't die when she tried to unalive herself by Kakashi's hand, but Obito was already traumatized and got in with Madara's Moon Eye plan. So yada-yada, she's the jinchuriki of Sanbi. BUT the difference was that she decided to come out of the closet (a real tight one cuz of her clan but she almost just DIED what to regret now) that she's actually a guy. So FTM Rin guys. Rin is he/him from now on.

He wouldn't change his personality and crush on Kakashi much. Dude is a medic, have you met medics? My extended family has a lot of medics in ER and other and let me tell you, they're ruthless and give 0 fucks.

Oh and since he's a medic he has top notch access to remove his own boobs and change his hormones fucking manually.

I think he would rethink his crush on Kakashi, like, man, he's a loser, plus it's hard to crush on someone who you thought killed you (even tho you made him) AND Kakashi has doomed love with 'dead' Obito and it's a bummer.

Idk about his name tho, he probably would change it just to, unknowingly, create more confusion for poor Obito, who is SURE that Rin is dead-dead and fucking Konoha didn't even made a grave for her and Kakashi doesn't even VISIT.

Madara and Zetsu obviously don't tell him about his development. They don't need him to have a hope in this world again.

Kakashi is just glad that he didn't kill his teammate and maybe they connect better since "Rin" (listen i NEED a name for him, but i have 0 ideas about meaning or what ever. maybe he'd take something to honor Obito's memory?) doesn't crush on him anymore and maybe he's trans too?? idk about it yet but he might act warmer to "Rin" now.

So Obito is just confused, like WHO is this dude from Nohara clan who is now with Kakashi ALL the time (they're still best friends). He doesn't connect that this brown haired (!) medic (!!) from Nohara clan (!!!) with the same marks (!!!) same age as them (!!!!!) might be Rin. like no, nope, Rin a nice gentle lady, not this smoking dude who yells at Kakashi and curses at him cuz he run away from hospital again.

So yeah Obito is just not impressed. But intrigued. And jealous. He stalks Kakashi AND this guy all the time. May develop a crush on both, cuz "Rin" is still the same at his core.

Kakashi would still go in ANBU cuz Minato asked him (still not sure about it, like yeah lets put deeply traumatized 13 yo in assasin squad good job) and stuff.

So idk how canon would go from there, like i doubt that Minato would let 14 yo jinchuriki near another one at this tense situation, even tho "Rin" could've help.

So yeah Kushiha and Minato die, "Rin" barely holds onto the Sanbi but Obito finds out that the guy is holding them. He doesn't connects the dots. Or he does? His mind just CAN'T hold on to the fact that his Rin MIGHT survived.

But maybe "Rin" was closer to the place where they sealed Kuubi in Naruto (maybe he ran there cuz there's Kuubi rampaging and he HAS to help) so Minato entrusted Naruto to him, not to fucking Sandaime.

So yeah, now "Rin" is Naruto's legal dad at the age of 14 and no one can fucking take him away cuz a) it was Minato's dying wish; and b) just fucking TRY to peer "Rin" away from Naruto, you'll get your hand bitten off and NO arguments work, cuz "Rin", who was trained by Kushina in jinchuriki stuff, can make some sort of turtle shield and he hides in it with his new baby and no one can do anything.

And no one can protect baby jinchuriki better than the other jinchuriki so it's fine. Everyone just accepts it.

(Isobu laughs at Kurama cuz haha im the older sibling now :))

Naruto is bullied less but I think no one can tell him about his parents cuz Sandaime sucks ass. But "Rin" drops HUGE hints cuz he hates Sandaime now too. Like no shit Tsunade left.

Idk what would happen with Obito if he finds out about "Rin's" identity. he'd come back crawling and crying probably. Maybe try to kidnap him and cry more in Kamui.

update: added sketch

[ruanbaijie]

CHENG YI + 💋 cheng yi on variety [2/?] @asiandramanet jan-feb creator bingo board ⎈ free choice full translation below the cut

dumping this here in case the subtitles were too tricky to follow please watch the actual video (18:21) with sound on and all it takes me out all the damn time

[1] Cheng Yi’s cards: Ultraman who went on a blind date and got stung by a bee and got sausage lips Cai Wenjing: (in terrible Cantonese accent) A man and a woman - what do their parents arrange for them to do together?

[2] CY: processing CWJ: When two people meet for the first time, a man and a woman He Jiong the host: already dying

[3] CY: still processing CWJ: If they get together, they are lovers HJ: still dying

[4] CY: (itCa) Sei… Sei… Sei… CWJ: anticipation CY: (itCa) How many characters are there?

[5] CWJ: (itCa) Two characters! CY: (itCa) Lovers. CWJ: (itCa) The step they have to take before becoming lovers

[6] CY: (itCa and with absolute fucking confidence) Friends! CWJ: literally hanging on by a thread at this point (itCa) They started as friends HJ: (in Mandarin) A verb. They go to a place to do what?

[7] CY: PROCESSING aha! (itCa and still with absolute fucking confidence) A park! CWJ: (itCa) Ok let’s not talk about that anymore HJ: cackling in absolute sadistic glee CWJ: (itCa) There’s a small kind of animal in the garden

[8] CWJ: (itCa) Like that. It’s a… Its body is like what you’re wearing. It’s yellow. Yellow, black, black, and it has a pair of wings

[9] CY: got it! (itCa and with the most fucking confidence known to mankind) Cow! (lit: yellow cow) CWJ: (itCa) There’s a tiny bug CY: still processing (itCa) Little yellow bug

[10] HJ: spits CWJ: (itCa) Not a little yellow bug. There’s a bug that might sting you and you will swell up CY: (itCa) Bee! HJ: (iM) That’s right! There’s progress, friends! “Bee.” There’s progress!

[11] Tan Jianci: completely enjoying this circus CY: secretly pleased CWJ: (itCa) Then what will the bee do to you? CY: (itCa) Sting me HJ: (iM) Ah that’s right, that’s right, that’s right

[12] CWJ: (itCa) It stings your mouth–oh no, no! Game rule: can’t say the character that appears on the card CWJ: (itCa) This area will… ooOOOOOoooo Show effects: kissing sounds CY: (itCa) A bee stings my mouth du du du

[13] TJC: having the absolute fucking time of his life HJ: (iM) Yes, yes, yes, what do you call lips that go “du du du”? CY: (itCa) Du du lips. Bee du du lips

[14] CY: rapid fire beings (itCa) Bee sausage. Bun! I think I got it (itCa) Bee sausage ah! Oh! A bee stings the lips of a sausage?

[15] HJ: what the fuck is going on CWJ: what the fuck is going on x2 (itCa) Bee… gives up TJC: (iM) The lips of a sausage?!

[16] HJ: (iM) Your lips, your lips CY: (itCa) Oh! A bee stings the lips of a sausage and causes me to have du du lips? CWJ: K.O.

[17] Wang Hedi: losing his shit CWJ: (itCa) Then you will look very sexy lor! CY: embarrassed send help

[18] CY: (itCa) It’s too difficult, let’s change to another one CWJ: (itCa) We’ll guess this (card in his left hand). This is easy to guess. Pew pew pew! Pew pew pew! CY: (itCa) Ultraman! HJ: (iM) That’s right! Good!

[19] HJ: (iM) Now we’re just missing a verb. The verb in the front CWJ: (itCa) Just missing a word. Your daddy and mummy tell you to go and meet a girl today. With me… what do you call this action?

[20] CY: (itCa) Ultraman’s action? CWJ: (itCa) Not Ultraman!!!!!! HJ: dies in background CWJ: (itCa) Nothing to do with Ultraman anymore!!!!!! Yang Di: Aaahhhhhhh!!!!!! WHD: SHOOK

[21] TJC: (iM) Oh my god! I can watch a whole season of them playing this! CY: god save me CWJ: (itCa) There’s no more Ultraman now!

[22] TJC: can’t even sit in his fucking seat anymore CWJ: (itCa) Now it’s me and you. Then Daddy and Mummy tell me you are a handsome boy, that you are going to be my boyfriend CY: (itCa) Date? HJ: (iM) Before a date

[23] HJ: (iM) The first date CY: (itCa) Strangers? eyes sparkling with hope HJ: (iM) AhhHH yes–yes… The two strangers go to the park for a first date that was arrange by their parents. That’s called… CWJ: anticipation TJC: does he finally get it

[24] Show effects: tense piano music CY: (itCa and once more with ABSOLUTE fucking confidence) Park. HJ: K.O. of the century

[25] HJ: (iM) Can we get Cheng Yi to be a regular? Just to play this CY: SHY TJC: in proper Cantonese The second word is… Show effects: kissing sounds

[26] CY: (itCa) Kissing ah? They’re meeting for the first time and they’re already kissing ah? TJC, WHD: ABSOLUTELY FUCKING GONE HJ: choking goose INTENSIFIES

[27] CY: SHY (iM) I’m wrong, I… HJ: (iM) Blind date YD: (iM) Blind date! Blind date!

[alonetimelover]

pairing: Harry Styles x tennis player!reader

summary: "Can't hear the haters when you're slaying"

tennis player!reader

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harryupdates

liked by ynupdates, harryshoee and 14 104 others

harryupdates Harry and YN were spotted in London yesterday! via emglishmanharry

view all 1 023 comments

ynupdates glad to see yn well rested before the big paris!!

harrysmoustache he looks SOOOOOO good, man

harryshoee they are such a handsome couple, i literally can't take it anymore

tennisfan01 walkover in Italy to have a longer vacation? very professional of her

tennisfan92 here you have an example of why she's losing so much lately

tennisfan101 choosing a boy instead of your job??? classy

ynhater professional player only in billboards

ynhater16 she's becoming more of a celebrity than a tennis player, you can now see what she's really after 💸

comments to this post have been disabled

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ynupdates

liked by harryupdates, ynsmybestie and 28 101 others

ynupdates I really don't know if I should write this... This photo is from YN's practice in Paris today. She broke down crying after multiple people from the audience kept calling her names, howling and disturbing. Those people were just a percentage of the ones that are actively judging her on the internet. And it is NOT okay. And it will never be. Some people should stay at home and keep shouting at their TV, leaving this lovely young woman to live HER life the way SHE wants to. She doesn't owe you anything. Treat her the way you'd like to be treated, with respect and kindness.

comments to this post have been limited

harryupdates couldn't have said it better

ynshands i hate those people, who do they think they are???

ynsmybestie i actually broke down crying with her, it was heartbreaking to see and hear

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harrysmoustache

liked by harryupdates, ynshands and 22 101 others

harrysmoustache after years of listening to Harry, i got to see him live. yes, this show was different. Yes, he was disappointed and angry. yes, he wasn't his usual bubbly smiley self. am I going to complain? no. he had a reason to be and its okay. I still listened to my favourite song (fine line) and forgot about my problems. thank you, harrystyles

view all 2 101 comments

harrynewfan hi, im a new fan and don't know what is happening in the fandom yet. could someone explain?

⤷ ynsmybestie harry is in a relationship with YN YSN. and right now, she is receiving a lot of hate because of losing tournaments and taking a break. its all over twitter (she's been trending for a week now)

ynupdates it seems that the situation really got to him. it's so sad to see

ynsmybestie i hope they are okay. i fear them breaking up, like man.... i can't think about it, imma cry

harryshoee did any of you miss what he said on stage???

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twitter

emily saw harry ♡ | harryno1fan

here's a thread of what harry said today concerning the outrageous comments about yn

1) "Your sign says: "I was bullied into changing myself. You helped me find the way back." First of all, you did it yourself because you are the strong individual. Secondly, I hope that those bullies learnt how to use their ability to communicate, right? This show is not a safe place for bullies, any bullies. Treat people with kindness."

11k comments | 34k shares | 74k likes

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emily saw harry ♡ | harryno1fan

2) Right before singing Fine Line: If I may have your attention, please! This song has been very special for a person close to me lately, and I'd like to dedicate it to her. Uhmm, sometimes when life gets hard and everyone seems to be against you, there - there is someone still for you, believing in you. This is for you."

10k comments | 32k shares | 70k likes

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emily saw harry ♡ | harryno1fan

3) After seeing the sign *are you coming to the Roland Garros?* "am I going? of course i am. my girlfriend is defending her title there. of course, I'm gonna be there! what a ridiculous question *laughing*. are you coming? you are. i hope to see you there. she loves the support even though she doesn't want to admit to it."

9k comments | 38k shares | 90k likes

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emily saw harry ♡ | harryno1fan

4) when there were five signs about yn next to each other: "did you coordinate that? no? you don't know each other! that's great! why are you writing signs about someone else on MY concert, hmm? I'm sorry, what? oh, you want to show your support. that's great. that's lovely. I think yn would love to see it. May I take a picture of you guys?"

and he did take a picture of them!!!!

14k comments | 40k shares | 80k likes

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harry LOT | harryupdates

this concert was very different and I think everyone needed it. harry made a clear statement: there is no place for hate and cruelty that people put YN through. and i thank him for that, really. what a great man.

4k comments | 6k shares | 3k likes

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yn my queen | ilovetennis

i am glad that Harry finally spoke up against it

1k comments | 654 shares | 2,1k likes

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ynupdates

liked by harryupdates, ynsmymama and 5 201 others

ynupdates YN via IG stories! thankfully the first round went easy and she's waiting for tomorrow's opponent. can't wait to see another match!

also, yes, i am disabling the comments because haters didn't learn anything.

comments have been disabled

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harryupdates

liked by ynupdates, tennismylife and 9 201 others

harryupdates HARRY posing for pictures tonight!

edit: the sign said "pose as if yn is taking a picture of you"

view all 2 201 comments

harryshoee this show is looking very promising and we're just few minutes in!!!!

hArrysbtch babes, he looks cuuuuuute

ynsmybestie im in love

yntennisqueen im beginning to like him

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twitter

seeing harry tonight | harryontour

"she's in paris, cause she's defending her Roland Garros title. and she's in the arena to define if I'm a better performer than Taylor Swift. baby, what's the verdict?"

when i tell you i screamed. sorry, screeched at him, i bet if he heard he would think I was possessed.

16k comments | 12k shares | 32k likes

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lily loves harry | lilyamazing

and then they showed yn screaming "you know im a swiftie!" i love this woman

3k comments | 1k shares | 12k likes

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seeing harry tonight | harryontour

the fucking update I have guys...

Harry: your sign says "have you listened to midnights?" have I listened to midnights?! who do you think I am? midnights? pfff. *after a little pause* yes. yes, I did. my girlfriend loooooves it.

and then he walked off singing: karma is my boyfriend, karma is a god, karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend

I LOVE HIM

28k comments | 34k shares | 102k likes

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harry and tay | midnightsqueen

he's a karma stan, slay king!!!!

3k comments | 4k shares | 7k likes

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andrew is right | billhater

oh, so she's going to concerts the night before a match. no wonder she's losing so much.

14k comments | 8k shares | 1k likes

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ynupdates

liked by harrystyles, harryupdates and 47 291 others

ynupdates couldn't imagine having a better response to the haters. yn ysn everybody!

edit: what in the fuck is harry styles doing on my profile??? wtf is yn doing here as well???

view all 6 028 comments

harryupdates👏 this 👏 is 👏 how 👏 you do it 👏

harrystyles can't here the haters when you're slaying

⤷ yourinstagram oh god, harry xD

⤷ ynsmybestie wtf are you doing here guys????

⤷ harryupdates couldn't imagine my Friday going any better, my life is made, I can die happily

⤷ yourinstagram please don't, im going to sue harry if you do

ynsmymama this match was everything. she IS the leader

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harrystyles

liked by yourinstagram, ynupdates and 18 291 302 others

harrystyles #22 ❤️🎂

comments have been disabled

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yourinstagram

liked by harrystyles, taylorswift and 2 201 493 others

yourinstagram i don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22!

thank you for all the birthday wishes, i love you all ❤️

comments have been limited

harrystyles happy birthday, baby ❤️❤️

taylorswift and it looks good on you! Happy birthday, YN!

⤷ yourinstagram no way

⤷ yourinstagram thank you so much!!! i love you!!!

[norcani]

DRAGON AGE ORIGINS MODS GUIDE (for the first time player)

i made this for a friend of mine, but figured there might be more people that want to get into the series after the dav trailer.

this list aims a close to vanilla experience, with some fixes and qol stuff. Obviously a lot is still based on personal preference. It does not include big changes to the combat, new items, new companions or quests, overhauls, visual changes to characters*, or big retexture projects. Of course pick and chose whatever sounds good to you, but I highly recommend the ones I put under essential.

*besides removal of various boob armor All of the below should be compatible , read descriptions if you need to do something extra for them to be.

Essentials

4gb patch: you basically need this to run the game without constant crashes. Any of these should work: https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=233222451 OR https://ntcore.com/4gb-patch/ OR https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/5989

Dialogue fixes: Back in my day we used : https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/1120 plus https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/928 it looks like more recently this mod has superseded it though https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/4689

Camp chest : https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/61 a chest in your camp to put your shit in (the game gives you a party chest eventually in a dlc but its in a stupid location you will never use)

fixes for awakening: this expansion is very buggy. get this: https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/5944 as well as all the ones under the "recommended awakening fixes" section (read description to get details about compatibility) fix for dlc items that won't transfer to awakening https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/5354 (i used the old version of this mod, but this seems ok . if it doesn't just search for the title on nexus and download the version that doesn't say updated)

Optionals

Utility:

Unlock specializations https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/316 specializations are unlocked through playing the game. But once unlocked they are unlocked across all playthroughs. This auto unlocks all. If you want to rp learning the specializations as you go, don't install it. but it's fully possible to miss unlocks.

Two specializations sten : one of your companions is nerfed by nto being allowed to have a second specialization for some reason. this fixes that https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/486

Respec: it's respec https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/14

Advanced Tactics: lets you configure the companions ai more precisely https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/181

Auto Loot: it's auto loot https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/28 -> the comments on this imply some issues but i dont remember any problems use at your discretion. might need to use https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/5172 to not loot your party chest. idk i had no problems with this mod but now im unsure.

Gift guide : https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/385 people slightly overstate the importance of gifts in dao. In the original game you couldn't actually get a lot of approval from gifts , but there was a joke dlc that effectively lets you buy as many gifts that give plus 10 approval as you want which kind of ruined the system. I mostly recommend this mod bc there are a few gifts that have dialogue attached, and i feel like using vanilla gifts just feels better than generic dlc ones. Anyway i know who wants what by heart but it might be good for a first run

more random encounters: frankly i used another mod for this but i cant find it anymore, but comments imply it works https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/4052?tab=files its not essential but there are a few enconters with a pretty rare possibility

Vanity:

Hip Sheath: I just like it :) https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/4654

No helmet hack: you dont want to look silly in cutscenes , do you ? https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/202

icons project: give stuff unique icons :) https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/826

Proportion fixes: I always use them personally because I don't like how characters look in dao but more improtantly this optionally makes the light armor unisex. https://www.moddb.com/mods/tmp7704/downloads/dwarf-proportions https://www.moddb.com/mods/tmp7704/downloads/human-female-proportions-fix https://www.moddb.com/mods/tmp7704/downloads/efl-proportions (note each has multiple options you only are supposed to use one of course)

Neutral Female armor: no more boob armor https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/4462 (has compability files with the above) (unisex light armor available in the proportion fix mod) (this is essential TO ME)

remove boob patches for mage robes https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/3962

Dog

Extra Dog slot: you get a dog in the game. he takes up a full companion slot. he is not very strong and gets not much extra dialogue so there is almost no reason to take him along generally. Extra slot just lets you take him along for free https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/664

Extended Dog Talents: at some point the dog will keep leveling with no skills to gain, this fixes that https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/1361 now your dog can be op (not really)

dog gifts: dog already has gifts, but since he loves you no matter what theyre kind of useless. now they give stat boosts. https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/635 now your dog can be op (still not really)

recd with caveat….:https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/4659

this is primarily a bi mod and it is good for that, but what i like most about it that it removes gender restrictions on random dialogues. The caveat is that frankly i dont think this should be used on a first playthrough as it includes non-canon content that will not import to da2 and might cause issues(if you don't care about da2 imports, go ahead). But that's just the big choices, so if yo uwant the gender neutral dialogue it is still worth getting… the way i personally use it is remove the Morrigan and Anora folders if i play female bc i don't want those options available to me for rp. if you play male just don't romance Alistair i think that's the only big change. 3.4 version should be used to be compatible with dialogue fix pack. When I tested this now it made the game not load there is probably a way to make it compatible but not worth it for first time player.

[bitterpngs]

...

...

...

… trust, huh?

TL;DR: what i want to highlight with this comic: satoru calling suguru "geto" / suguru crossing satoru's metaphorical line and permanently severing his relationship with him. kenjaku's plan in canon will never come to fruition in this au. what happens after is up to you :)

and yes ik the trust quote is in the context of the other 2nd years! i added it bc it fit, in a way.

this got long sorry lol i started to ramble

LAST NAME - what started this all and what i hope others picked up on was gojo calling geto by his last name, not his first: geto. even after everything geto did during jjk v0, gojo still calls geto 'suguru.' he's still 'suguru' to him. i wanted a scenario in which gojo would reject his first name - reject their past and their relationship. this whole comic idea sprung out of being unsatisfied with geto and gojo's canon relationship. personally, im not the happiest with how things were written in the story and feel like the author could've done some things differently. this isn't to say i don't like or enjoy what the author has written either. i just have mixed feelings.

KENJAKU - in case it wasn't clear, the door closing on page 14 depicts geto with stitches on his forehead - aka kenjaku. what that page is trying to convey is that the moment geto killed yuuta, the future where geto's body is used to box gojo ceased to exist. in this au, kenjaku's plan that we see in the canon timeline would never and will never work. by killing yuuta, geto crossed a line and permanently severed his relationship with gojo. if gojo wins here, gojo will dispose of the body properly. the panel after shows a closed door with the memory of who suguru was. the person who suguru used to be and the best years of gojo's life etc etc. but "broken" bc it's gojo truly realizing that's not who geto is anymore + the whole "severing relationship" thing. does this make sense.

what happens after the comic ends is up to interpretation though

GETO'S PLAN - i didnt focus a lot on the specifics of how this could've happened considering geto's plan changed in this au. how it happened isnt really important, you can come up with whatever you want. what i wanted to focus on, and what i hope people managed to pick up on is the situation itself - geto killing yuuta. sorry yuuta. i'll make it up to you.

i ended it here because it felt the best place, but here's some scrapped dialogue of a few seconds after: GETO: "… It was a necessary sacrifice, Sato-" GOJO: "don't you dare call me that" basically to emphasize the first name vs last name situation

GOJO N GETO - ive always felt uhhh. nitpicky, i guess. about the specifics of everything regarding gojo and geto. ive felt unsatisfied for a variety of reasons, and this was basically an idea that sprung out (a looong time ago) of a want for gojo to be angry at and feel more.. negative emotions, i guess, toward geto. i still do genuinely enjoy their canon relationship a lot tho. i enjoy the way they’re written together and individually, i just have different/multiple feelings about the same thing :)

RIKO AND YUUTA - erm there was a scrapped panel... you can find it on my blog if you're really curious but there was a panel of geto 'remembering' riko's dead body (a distorted memory, because the blood reflects yuuta's injuries). it's not necessarily that riko and yuuta are similar, it's that geto becomes a bit like toji in the end. just like toji, geto tries to kill a young teenager for the sake of his own goals. while toji's was selfish and geto's, in his own eyes, was for the greater good, there's still the similarity of killing a child. of stealing their future for their own goals. plus the fact that gojo killed both of them in a similar way.

TRUST - yeah i know the quote is in the context of the 2nd years fighting geto. still. gojo trusted geto to a large degree, despite everything he did. so. it's going here.

PG 4-6 - geto values and cares about sorcerers so so much. again, he was fine with trying to kill yuuta for his vision and all but i dont think he wouldn't feel some level of. conflicting emotions i guess. (i am very against the idea that geto wasn't... trying to kill yuuta? i don't really get that perspective at all. it'd make all of that meaningless imo. but this isn’t about that.) ok im done.

if you read this entire rambly thing, thank you :D hope you enjoyed!

[goodlucktai]

tagged by @bobtheacorn like...... 3 weeks ago 😭 my bad

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

283

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

1,353,670

which seems.......excessive

3. What fandoms do you write for?

actively, one piece and tmnt, but that is ruled by the demons in my brain that control the hyperfixation machine.

fandoms ive posted 3 or more fics for:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends Good Omens Final Fantasy XV Undertale Mumintroll | Moomins Series Harry Potter Young Justice 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia 陈情令 | The Untamed King Falls AM Percy Jackson and the Olympians Rise of the Guardians Voltron: Legendary Defender

4. Top five fics by kudos?

Exclusivity - 11,116

walk straight through hell with a smile - 9,152

Inanition - 9,039

there is thunder in our hearts - 8,161

trouble is a friend of mine - 7,842

5. Do you respond to comments?

i do try to but i can't always :'( and i feel terrible if i manage to reply to most and then forget someone and only realize it months later. but i read every single comment and i appreciate them more than i have words for

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i tend to veer away from angst, but off the top of my head....

where the good men go or if i go i'm going on fire

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

99% of my fics have a happy ending because thats my BRAND but i suppose give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around or the weekend we were in love OR put your empty hands in mine

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not often, but i recently had someone who REALLY disliked the way things change because i 'villainized' raph. which is definitely news to me, since raphael is the love of my life

9. Do you write smut?

nope

10. Craziest crossover?

i wrote a tmnt/one piece crossover once ? but now that we are actually getting a tmnt/naruto idw run it doesnt feel that weird to me anymore

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

only once if i'm remembering right ?? it was a long time ago and wattpad related, which is a site that i dont really understand and therefore tend to avoid

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes ! i'll often have people request to translate my stories and it blows me away every time

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Devil took your hand was written by myself and @moogsthewriter

14. All time favourite ship?

ineffable husbands, wangxian, or leosagi

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

how much time do you have 😭

16. What are your writing strengths?

i want to say characterization and narrative voice. i'm also pretty good at maintaining a throughline, even if it sometimes gets a little wobbly

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

conflict ! i hate it ! i will avoid writing it at all costs ! i also tend to struggle with writing fight scenes, especially when there are several characters involved :') staging any kind of choreography is my opp

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

i try not to but if it feels unavoidable i google the heck out of it

19. First fandom you wrote in?

honestly it was either digimon (which also inspired my og penname) or xiaolin showdown lol

20. Favourite fic you've written?

i'm stealing bob's idea and going top 5:

there is thunder in our hearts - this story came together so easily for me, like i knew exactly how i wanted to tell it from start to finish

the only hoax i believe in - a kfam fic in my top 5s why yes and i'll tell you why. because i poured so much of myself into this fic that they could probably read it at my funeral instead of a eulogy

traveling so far to get there - after party au raph and mikey continue to take up so much real estate in my brain and for what

now the darkness comes alive - this one is more recent but im so happy with the way it turned out :')

if we could stay all day in the sun - it was a lot of fun reimagining one of my favorite fairy tales and doing a bunch of unnecessary research for this story i will stand by it until the day i die !!

i'm tagging @mykimouser, @owletstarlet, @portgas-d-aroace, @mad4turtles, @camsthisky, @remedyturtles, @pickledcarrotsandradish, @swordsmans, @mangogreent, and anyone else who wants to !

[geeminz]

ᯓ A CHANGE OF HEART // giselle x oc ; smau

04 | do something, babe

↳ in which: mihye has been secretly dating giselle, her best friend’s older sister, for four months. what happens when their relationship turns toxic, and their secrets become public?

word count: 844 (quite short, ik!)

taglist: @thefckghost @emphobics @jisooftme @xszn @gtfoiydlyj @wonysugar @bluhuir @baewonlove @ourlovesarang @yeetaberry127

a.n. HELLO GUYS IM BACK and im apologizing again cuz i missed my deadline for this again TT but to make up for it, i'm posting three (3) THREE !! updates !! so i hope you guys will enjoy that haha

the rest of the day is silent. mihye has waited for hours on end, and still.

radio silence from giselle.

there’s no hiding it now — mihye doesn’t even wanna go out anymore, fearing that someone might ask her if she was okay, as the puffiness in her eyes would be an easy giveaway to what she’s been doing for the past few hours. it hurts to even cry now — mihye has just wiped off the last tear from her eyes. 

the last for today. maybe the last for this hour.

the brightness has long faded away, replaced by the grim loneliness of the evening. mihye’s tired of crying, but one recollection of her fight with giselle earlier, and everything is spilling out again.

4 months. 4 months with her.

is this how it ends?

this wasn’t how it started. how could it all have burned down so quickly?

mihye’s now on her bed, letting the emptiness of the foam surround her. the ghost of giselle’s presence haunts her memory, and just like that, she’s taken back to their first month.

giselle couldn’t even live without her back then. arms always wrapped around mihye’s waist, nose always buried in the crook of mihye’s neck. the sound of rain used to feel so good before — because it meant giselle was coming over in nothing but her sweatshirt and sweatpants. just to keep both of them — mihye and giselle, warm together, amidst the freezing pour of harsh rainfall.

waking up to the heat of the sun rays used to be something that mihye looked forward to every morning — because it meant she had slept longer than usual (longer than she should). she’d be late for class by then, but mihye would think, ‘fuck it. giselle’s here. let me savor this moment.’ 

mihye used to sleep so good whenever giselle was with her.

now, mihye just sleeps to stop herself from crying over giselle again.

an exhausting, confusing routine.

mihye remembers the sound of giselle’s breathing. she’d rather play that on loop than remember how angry giselle was — is, at her.

‘maybe the honeymoon phase is over,’ mihye thinks. ‘maybe this is the rough patch that we’re supposed to work through together.’

despite the melancholia, mihye is hopeful. because she loves giselle. because mihye thinks that all this crying would just go to waste if they didn’t try to fix it. 

but mihye’s not stupid as well. she might run towards giselle at the snap of giselle’s fingers, but giselle’s got to snap her fingers first.

the ball is in giselle’s court. mihye just wants to see her play it.

(but even if giselle doesn’t score, mihye would still be her number 1 cheerleader.)

what her other friends don’t know is that mihye has spent her whole adolescent life adoring giselle. kazuha used to always beckon mihye over for sleepovers, and mihye would always accept — one, because kazuha’s her best friend, and two, because kazuha’s older sister was just so goddamn pretty. 

13 year-old mihye couldn’t take her eyes off of kazuha’s cool older sister, giselle. mihye admired how giselle took life by the balls — how she did whatever she wanted, and how she stood for her actions.

mihye was 14 when she first admitted to herself that she had a really big crush on her best friend’s older sister. the older girl had always left her blushing in some way — through a simple wink sent mihye’s way, or the way that giselle used to always open the door for her. giselle, or as mihye used to call her, unnie, was always gentle with her (even more with mihye than with kazuha). mihye felt protected with her unnie, and as time grew, so did her adoration.

she was 17 when she realized that the feelings she’s been harboring for giselle may be more than just a little crush.

giselle had always been a taker, and that was the thing that drew mihye in. giselle never faltered — she wouldn’t let anyone stop her from doing and taking whatever she felt like taking. giselle was opaque — mihye could always see giselle, everywhere. she just could never see right through her. her lies, maybe. but giselle’s true, honest thoughts? no. not really.

not even now. just like her 14 year-old self, giselle has left mihye frozen and confused, clutching her pillows so tightly against her chest for dear life in bed again. if before, it was from the endless swelling of her heart because of one simple “good night” text from giselle, now, it was because of the lack of texts at all from her girlfriend.

mihye has always wanted giselle. but now that she has her, it feels like nothing’s changed — she’s still running after her.

guess that’s how it’ll always be, huh?

well, mihye was tired. she wants all these draining feelings to stop, she wants someone to put an end to her tears. and she’s tired of running, too.

can’t she run after me this time?

go to: masterlist | next

[agrownupgeekgirl]

4 days after my 18th birthday I had my daughter. I asked at the time for a permanent birth control option, a tubal ligation. I was told no. I was too young. I would regret the decision.

No.

3 weeks before I turned 20 I had my son. I asked for a permanent birth control option. I hadn't changed my mind since the first time. I was told no. I was too young. I would change my mind. What if "god forbid" something happened to one of my kids? 

No.

So with no other options I went with an IUD. At the time it would be good for 10 years. Then maybe they would consider giving me a tubal.

10 years later my periods were so bad, because of the IUD, that I would bleed through a tampon and a pad in the night and wake up with stained sheets. I went to the Dr and said "Can I please have the tubal now? I've not changed my mind since I was 18."

Problem. At the time I lived in Miles City, Montana and the only hospital was a Catholic St. Vincent's and because they were a Catholic hospital they would not do a tubal because it was birth control. So at the clinic in town they could do an ablation on my uterus to stop my periods and at the same time put implants in my tubes that would act like a ligation. Those blocks were Essure Tubal Blocks. They were a "safe" permanent alternative to the tubal I had been asking for since I was 18. So I said yes.

Yes.

14 years later I start bleeding. Cramping. I go to the Dr. Apparently ablations done before a woman is 40 can actually heal so I needed an ultrasound to see if that's what was happening. 

In the ultrasound the nurse said that my uterus was fine, no regrowth but asked if I had a coil? I said not anymore, that it had been removed when they did the ablation and put in the Essure blocks. The blocks are actually very small coils as well, and it turns out one of mine is missing and the other is moving out of the tube towards my uterus.

I looked it up and found this:

Essure Tubal Blocks Lawsuits

The ultrasound was Friday. They said that I'd need an X-ray to see if they could find the missing coil.

Sunday I started bleeding again, so Monday morning I went back to the Dr. He said he'd order an urgent xray, then called last night to say I could go into the hospital as a walk in to get the X-ray. So I went today but they said it wasn't put in as a walk in so I'd have to wait until I got a letter with an appointment.

Wait.

I'm so tired and so overwhelmed and so angry. 

26 years ago if they had done what I asked this wouldn't be happening. 

24 years ago if they had done what I asked this wouldn't be happening.

14 years ago if they had done what I wanted this wouldn't be happening.

If I had ever had any say over my own fucking body, if I had ever been more than just a body that could give birth, this wouldn't be fucking happening!

Im scared and I'm tired. I wish I had been a person.

[mokutone]

your art makes me wanna start testosterone

i can't read tone well, so this is either an incredibly touching ask, or an extremely funny one, and in the absence of confirmation: both!

i'm in a chatty mood, so i'll share some thoughts about testosterone and my art.

i liked being on testosterone a lot. i had an IM injection every two weeks (on tuesdays!) and because that's a sizeable dose every 14 days that slowly disperses, it can cause some mood fluctuations (every other friday i would have a crisis about not feeling like the world had a place for me in it) but even those were far more manageable than the ones that would come with my previous and current monthly hormone cycle (every month i spend a solid week thinking the world will never have a place for me in it)

It gave me a patchy little bit of scruff on my chin and a whispy mustache under my nose that still struggles on, despite adversity!

It redistributed my fat a little bit, but that's long since gone back to pre-T shape.

it lowered my voice! that hasn't changed :^)! even if i never go back on t, that won't change. it was the thing i most wanted, and its the one i'm most grateful for. Pre-T, I didn't speak much. I'm getting better and better at talking and getting more and more comfortable communicating with people because of it.

having been off t now for 3 years, i don't pass anymore—not as a cis man, or a cis woman, certainly not as anything approximating straight. if people look at me and see anything, i'd hazard a guess that they see me as A Queer (the noun—for all it's complicated connotations).

i'm not surprised that my art might make somebody want to start testosterone! a lot of my art was made out of the aching grief that came with being kicked off of testosterone, and how neatly that loss of autonomy over my own body knits in with yamato's loss of autonomy over his own.

how my body started doing things i disliked, how i didn't have the support necessary to access the healthcare i needed—how my inability to give myself what i needed made me feel as though i were trapped inside of myself and abandoned (by both myself and the world at large)

when i write comics about yamato as a trans man, i don't take away his testosterone, because that hits a little too close to home for me. for Ninja War Town Reasons, he has plenty of access to all the HRT he could ever need and nobody questions his need for it—instead, i project my own horrors onto the way Danzō defined his identity for him as a child, the way that Kabuto and Obito dehumanize him as an adult in their war efforts, and reduce him to the thing his body holds (the Mokuton). I give him a kneejerk compulsion to dehumanize himself (out of a feeling that he has a duty to his community to do so) and I give him a slow-growing resistance to that impulse (which comes out of a feeling that the people he loves would frown upon seeing him reduce himself like that)

it's dysphoria! it's not gender dysphoria, but it's a loss of self, and a need to reclaim it. it's a war between the hollow shell of a thing he thinks he has to be, and the vibrant and messy person beneath it that he is. it's a desperate need to say "this is who i am—only i can say it"

I enjoyed HRT a lot. it was a really useful tool in helping me feel like my body was my own, that i didn't have to fight it, that we were the same entity. It's not the only tool, but it was a really good one, and one day I hope to use it again.

(as for the being off of it—it's unpleasant, but i'm enduring! being somebody who now doesn't really pass as anything has put me in a weird and interesting position, where I'm constantly having to declare myself to people, because nobody knows what to make of me on any front. they don't know if i'm a man, a woman, nonbinary, nor even what age i am (Augh!!!!) it forces me to be brave and vulnerable more than I'm comfortable with—if I tell somebody I'm a man, there's no way that they will believe I'm cis, but I'm not about to recloset myself—and I don't think I could at this point anyway.)

(there's something fascinating about the position i find myself in, and while i'd leap back on t the moment that an opportunity presented itself to do so, i do feel like i'm experiencing something interesting and important in this weird zone i find myself in)

[whenyoureoutonyourown]

21-40 >;)

21: what i love most about myself - i love that im so creatively inclined!! i adore art, and i think id be more frustrated if i didnt get to create it

22: what i want to be when i get older - happy? nothing in particular except maybe happy, content at least

23: my relationship with my sibling(s) - my sister is one of my closest friends, and my brother im also really close with so id say pretty good!

24: my relationship with my parent(s) - not so well, honestly. my mother isnt the biggest fan of me and my father isnt very good in general

25: my idea of the perfect date - hmm.. i'm unsure, it kind of changes. i like to imagine the cutesy dates that we hear when we're young; picnics and movies and whatnot

26: my biggest pet peeves - see 14 To Be Honest. also when people spell like.. mmnnfhfhdhf . cutesy or childish. yeah. and then i hate when people breathe too close to me but thats probably more so an autism trait

27: a description of a person i like - ooouuhfbdndh .. gatekeeping this

28: a description of the person i dislike the most - this changes and im also gatekeeping

29: a reason ive lied to a friend - to benefit their relationship with their boyfriend. i didnt want them to be unhappy when nothing was wrong (difficult to explain without yapping)

30: what i hate the most about work / school - sigh.. everything

31: what my last text message says - "i miss you"

32: what words upset me the most - "youre a burden," "i dont love / want you anymore" and such

33: what words make me feel the best about myself - "you're special," "i cant live without you" and the like!

34: what i find attractive in women - looks wise? ughfhdh anything.. but i do love taller women, muscular women, with sharper eyes or more vibrant eyes in general (very dark eyes included). etc. umm other than that nearly anything

35: what i find attractive in men - the same as women.. really, looks arent the biggest factor to me. i fall in love based on personality and looks are a secondary thing

36: where i would like to live - either the state im in now, or a country in europe!! france, italy, ireland, etc.

37: one of my insecurities - to be honest i couldnt even pinpoint just one, im in general insecure

38: my childhood career choice - even as a child i was incredibly undecided! but i remember wanting to work with animals

39: my favorite ice cream flavor - mint chocolate chip or fruits! cant decide on a specific ): i also like butter pecan, cookie dough, and a few other non fruit flavors. they arent my favorites though

40: who i wish i could be - myself. i wouldnt want to be anybody else. except maybe Myself also (introject speaking. sighs)

[keiipopped]

Reason Number 60: We’re not just friends.

a/n: I hate this so bad but I needed something to write before I get booted out of enha writer land💀 send help(and requests🥲) Synopsis: The one where your bestfriend gets jealous and gives you all the reasons why he should be your boyfriend. Pairing: Bestfriend Jay X reader Genre: fluff, fluffy angst, friends to lovers Warning: the writing is awful and it barely makes sense. also one poorly written kiss. yay

“Reason number 54; i’d cook for you” 

“Sounds convincing..” you noticed a small smile creeping up his face “but you cook for everybody” you looked at him noticing how he deadpans as you complete your sentence. “Not true! It’d be special” he whined at you. “Sure Jay”

You weren't sure how you ended up here. What was supposed to be a fun movie night with your best friend turned into him listing all the reasons he’d be a good boyfriend for you. 

This type of conversation wasn’t necessarily a new topic for y'all as Jay was pretty flirty and pretty often too. You always took it with a grain of salt quick to brush it off knowing Jay didn’t have the cleanest of reputations with women. 

He wasn’t a typical player or college fuckboy. He was a gentleman honestly… too much of one. His subtle flirty nature often had girls thinking he liked them in a way he didn't, leading to them being offended at the notice of another girl..and another girl..and another feeling the same. So it would be kinda messy and you tried to keep yourself out of it most of the time.

“Oh! Reason 58; your family loves me! I'd help your mom cook, help with your little brother. All of it” 

Right. How did you get here? Well you and Jay were having your weekly movie night that you actually hadn’t had the chance to have in about 5 months with the assignments and school projects you both had being at an all time high. 

Finally getting the chance to sit down and actually soak in your presence Jay wanted nothing more than to just wrap up in a blanket with you, some popcorn and yalls favorite snacks and enjoy the movie…  but you. You just wouldn't shut up. Which he typically wouldn't have an issue with but you wouldn’t stop gushing about how cute the main character of the movie was. Failing to notice Jay's exaggerated eye rolls as he attempted to ignore your little fangirl breakdown. But what set him off was when you started going on about how ‘boyfriend material’ said main character was. Jay sat up setting his popcorn on the near coffee table and turning on the lights turning to you. “How on earth is he boyfriend material!? He's brushing his teeth” Jay says,voice laced with irritation. He folded his arms sitting back, a slight pout forming on his lips and you couldn't help but laugh at his sudden child-like behavior. “Whats funny? Im being serious'' he started sitting up intently and you knew he was preparing to go into a lecture. 

You definitely didn't expect to be sitting here nearly 20 minutes later; tv still paused as your best friend went into his 60th reason for why he’d be a better boyfriend than the character on the screen who still hadn’t gotten the chance to finish brushing his teeth. 

“Okay. how about this reason,um. 60. Id wake you up with kisses every morning” 

Woah. 

That was a topic that was never touched. Yes, there had been jokes about you both kissing when you were like 14 or 17 but it's been years. And it was never mentioned in such a serious sense. 

Something so simple yet so domestic and now your heart was beating faster than it had in a while as you saw the serious glint in Jay's eyes.

He didn't fail to notice the change in your body language 

“I mean if you want that. Of course I'm not trying to force you to be with me or anything. You know I'm just saying so you’d consider it. Only if you want though”

He's rambling. And you're rambling in your head.

Obviously by the 60 reasons he’d be a good boyfriend for you and the nervous tone he had he was being serious. It wasn’t just a joke anymore and you couldn’t help yourself anymore.

Reaching over resting both of your hands on the side of his jaw, you leaned your body towards him. As soon as your hands touched him, his found their way to both sides of your waist. Everything happened so quickly yet so smoothly and in no time your lips had met. It wasn't rushed or messy at all. The kiss was very warm, and filled with years of unspoken love. All the feelings that had been brushed away and laughed off now being poured into this one kiss. After what felt like forever you both pulled away looking at each other. Jay broke into a smile almost immediately as you just stared at each other. “So i'm assuming you like reason number 60” he said, giving you one of his signature smirks and tightening his grip on your waist. You just laughed a bit giving him a light smack on the arm and rested your head on his shoulder “can we finish the damn movie now” you ask as he laughs a bit turning the lights off and settling again.

Who knew what would happen later or what you both were to each other at this point, whatever it was, it was obvious you were no longer just friends.