#but we shall see as time progresses if that changes (it probably will LOL)

[allright]

PERSIE WHO IS YOUR BLUE LOCK FAV ?

IM NOT FAR INTO BLLK AT ALL BUT I LIKE RAICHI… largely because of his sharp teeth LFNDKDKXJC

[menlove]

What do you think lesbians are attracted to in women that lesbians can’t be attracted to in men?

It can’t be anything about femininity or masculinity obviously. That’s both sexist, and cultural so can’t be what drives woman-only attraction.

It can’t be anything about stated identity because someone could lie just as easily as they could tell the truth in such a statement, and it makes no sense because homosexuality and heterosexuality exists in other species with no stated identities. It’s not like other animals without gender are all pan.

Saying idk it’s the vibes or some indescribable trait women have that men can’t but “I can’t explain” is a nonanswer.

Soooooooo what is it? Or do you think any sexuality but bi/pan is just cultural performance or an identity rather than an inborn orientation?

this is soooo not asked in good faith lol i know ur baiting babe but fine i'll go ahead and answer here <3

first of all idk where u got the idea that i think bi/pan is inborn orientation. ur mistaking me for a gender/sexuality essentialist rather than a bio essentialist and baby i am neither

second of all ur operating under the assumption that i am bi/pan and would fuck all genders and/or sexes. false! i do not care for dick i have never cared for dick i shall never care for dick and funnily enough i am capable of navigating my personal relationships on my own terms without imposing those terms on everyone else or making trans women feel like dogshit just for existing. if someone with a dick ever asked me out and i turned them down i wouldn't have to say "sorry it's because you have a yucky disgusting penis you fucking disgusting human" as so many of y'all love to do when confronted w trans humans, i would simply say "sorry, i'm not interested." and if they decided to keep pressing it or assault me that would be on them being a sexual predator, not them being transgender.

but okay. several things here. first off in the history of sexuality u have two views: essentialism and costructionism. innate vs socially created. in most cases of history, i take the constructionist point of view. with sexuality/gender it is way way more nuanced and complicated than that. i believe the Feelings we have about gender and sexuality are innate (and unique to every individual) but the labels we put on them change constantly over time. you can find this all throughout history and arguing that this isn't the case would be ahistorical and ridiculous. if you think the word "lesbian" existed 300 years ago and ppl you would deem lesbians would call themselves lesbians or conceptualize their sexualities in the same way as you do, you are dead wrong. they probably had very similar feelings, but they were framing it around their cultural frameworks they had at the time. as we are doing today.

the thing about social constructs is that they change. go back to the 1500s europe and it was widely believed that men and women shared one body type that was, essentially, sexless and the same, and that this body grew out of the body women have into the body men had. essentially, men were the more "progressed" body of humanity, but men and women shared the same sex. this... obviously was incorrect and changed. but so is our binary conception of "sex".

which brings me to ur point about animals.... heterosexuality and homosexuality as Acts certainly exist in animals but animals don't have social constructs to give them identities lmfao. and while these acts exist, they often do so in ways we as humans would consider "bisexual" although that's fucking ridiculous because they are animals. for example, often in the wild you will see "lesbian" lions that choose to mate with other female lions only and raise their young with them. wait- how's that work? their young? if animals with no social conceptions can somehow be "pure lesbians" would they not balk at the idea of procreating with a male lion? no, because that's not how it works in the animal kingdom. they procreate with the male lion and raise the young w the female lion and we slap the label "homosexual" on this or "bisexual" on it when neither is correct bc they're fucking lions, not human beings living in a society. similarly a female lion mating with a male lion is not a "heterosexual" lion, it's a fucking lion. we can't ask it "hey, miss lion, if you had the choice, would you solely prefer male lions? or do you like female lions as well? or are you just mating with this male lion for protection?" because it's a lion. ur comparison is outlandish, frankly. we are not animals in that way. the lion is not heterosexual or homosexual, it's a fucking lion that has sex.

anyway... not what you asked and i can hear u now going off abt how none of this answered ur question. ur right! before i could answer ur baiting question i had to clear up some bold assumptions you were making, define some terms and history, and debunk whatever bullshit you wanted to spew about animals for a second there

but to answer your question: sexuality and gender are unique to every single individual on this planet and structured around the society that individual lives in. sorry to tell you that, but it is. so, too, is the term lesbian. even within t//erf circles. "that's not true!" i can hear you shout, "every t//erf defines lesbian the same!" wrong! i have seen: lesbian means only liking people with vaginas but that can't be right because some trans women have vaginas, lesbian means only liking people with vaginas but that can't be right because some trans Men have vaginas and many of you would Not be attracted to them on the street bc many of them do pass as cis men indistinguishably, lesbian means only CHOOSING to date people with vaginas so this includes political lesbians who are attracted to men and bisexual or heterosexual but are politically lesbian, but wait no lesbian doesn't mean that bc i've also seen t//erfs saying any lesbian who makes a joke abt having a celebrity crush on a man is clearly a bisexual in denial sooooo that would preclude political lesbians too, oh okay so maybe lesbian means only liking people BORN with vaginas- oh shit nope that includes many intersex individuals you would not fuck and many trans men you would not fuck as they've gotten bottom surgery.... hm okay i've seen it mean you only like women BORN with a uterus/able to reproduce except oh whoops not all cis women can do that...... uh well it means anyone you can identify as a woman bc you're so good at clocking except- oh no you can't bc there are many CIS butches and CIS masculine women you all constantly mistake as trans women and harass or butches you straight up just think are men (hi! i am a butch read as a cis male in public!) and do not approach on that basis..... erm..... uh oh looks like your definitions suck too, sorry

so... what does that leave us with? if defining sexuality by sex is harder than it looks and defining it by gender is harder than it looks, what do we have?

well, like i said, it's an individual experience. most of the time, people are going to choose words and communities that resonate with them for whatever reason. for some people it might be bc they have grown up not liking penises in a world where they were expected to. for others it might mean growing up liking just Women in a world where they weren't expected to. for others it's liking non men. some others just like how "lesbian" feels on them and nothing else fits right. "lesbian" communicates something to people and it communicates a community that they feel a part of.

your conception of your sexuality and gender is not the same as anyone else on earth now or anyone in the past. and that is okay. communities and labels ARE human constructs. that doesn't mean they are unimportant and it doesn't mean humans are "innately" bi/pan (i sure as fuck am not lol i've never "innately" wanted to suck a dick and it's felt very "innately" bad when men have been interested in me). but what it does mean is that if you ask any lesbian what being lesbian means to them, you are going to get a different answer. even within your strict community where you think you have one definitive answer, you will have people that disagree with that.

there is no "indescribable trait" women have over men. but neither is there some concrete "yes THIS is the ultimate way to describe (human feeling)". human feelings are infamously hard to describe and label and we do our best with social constructs and human made terms, but we are always always going to fall short. you can do the same with race and wealth and ability and ethnicity and history and and and- something being a social construct doesn't make it not real. it just makes it complicated and messy and not so easily defined. and that is perfectly okay and if you are going to dwell on this planet with other human beings you're going to have to get used to that, sorry to say

so what is a lesbian? a lesbian is someone that tells you they're a lesbian and you say "okay" and don't ask for their life fucking story about why they call themselves a lesbian or how. it's none of your fucking business. whether they agree with you or they don't, it is way easier to just move on and keep defining yourself how YOU want and letting others define themselves how THEY want

[ikamigami]

Slight rant.. or maybe not slight lol

Good that Sun is more over his trauma from July 16th incident.. and that he actually talked with Earth about it more than when after what Eclipse told her..

Hmm it was obvious that Sun will blame himself for not being able to protect the kids.. because if not for killing them then for not being able to protect them.. because that how guilt delusions work..

But I still heavily dislike the fact that Sun was having these talks with Earth off-screen (brrhhh I thought that I wouldn't have to use this word in this context ever again but here we are.. 😑).. apparently.. when therapy sessions didn't indicate that they did much if any progress.. 😮‍💨

Okay whatever I guess.. 🙄

I'm glad that they're treating Sun like one of main characters again at least..

Also you may say that "Sun is feeling guilt for a reason so why he should still feel guilty even if he overcome his trauma?"..

Yeah that's true.. but Sun has mental disorder with guilt delusions (delusions centered around guilt and unworthiness to be precise) and relapse in depressive psychosis happens quite often.. it has a high rate of relapse.. and relapse can happen even years after getting treatment..

Though I wonder if maybe VAs really didn't know what they were doing and it just happened that Sun "has" depressive psychosis but they didn't intended that..

It's the most probable thing but.. I wish that they maybe learned more about it and stick with it.. idk I just hope that Sun won't be magically okay after he overcame trauma from July 16th..

It doesn't seem like that.. but at the same time idk.. people not always do research on topics they're using in their work.. wish they would.. especially cause they would gain knowledge which can never hurt..

Well we shall see I guess..

Though I will never change my mind about that Sun wasn't as okay as he was saying (because he's unaware of his mental state) and like Earth was saying and that I think that Earth dismissed New Moon's concerns about Sun and this is what caused him to have that vivid dream..

It's not all Earth's fault.. that's not what I'm saying.. but I just don't like when someone tries to force a perception of something on me when it doesn't match what is happening on screen.. yeah it's your show but like maybe show things better for us to understand what you mean and don't force it if you weren't able to sell your message properly..

This is the only thing I dislike Earth's character for.. that she supposedly "helped" Sun.. yeah.. I just want to forget about the time when Earth was therapist and move on from that.. so I hope that I won't see it being mentioned ever again..

[feralkwe]

For the DT questions meme, 2, 12, and 18

i love how we nearly same-brained these questions. xoxo

under a cut for spoilers.

2. what was the first thing they did when they arrived in tuliyollal?

kit took a moment to stand on the shore and just absorb everything into her senses. the sound of the waves, the warmth of the sun, the smell of the air, the color of the sky. she was charged with seeing as much of the world as she could, and it's something she takes very seriously. everything about this voyage held the promise of a new adventure, and she was determined not only to commit it to memory, but to pause in the moment and experience it in ways that previous adventures had not allowed for. it marked what she needed and wanted to be a new chapter of life, and she paused to ground herself in that before taking steps forward.

12. what was their opinion of the culture of recycling souls and the use of regulators? did this change as the story progressed?

much like aubrey, she was utterly and wholly horrified. that very much did not change. given all of the loved ones--friends, mentors, lovers--whose souls have returned to the aetherial sea, she could not find any way to be okay with the idea of denying that rest and renewal of life to them. to the very depths of who she is it felt wrong and tragic in a way that made her physically ill. the more she thought about it the more angry she became and the more determined that it had to stop. not only that, but the removal of those souls from the memories of their loved ones terrified and devastated her. being able to remember those loved ones is a responsibility that, sure, comes with pain, but is a privilege to her as well. the charge to remember is what she considers perhaps her most important duty, and one she will see fulfilled in the names of those who carried it before her. there is no world where she would be able to accept it.

18. what important relationships changed or developed throughout dawntrail?

i knew before i read them all you'd pick this one for kit lol. obviously her relationship with thancred and urianger changed. ew ended with things uncertain for them, and dt offered a new opportunity to remember what drew them together in the first place while offering the fun of a friendly rivalry that was oddly healing. it also added another... shall we say element that i am still figuring out much to my own outrage. why do they keep doing this to me? some days i miss the simplicity that was just kit and urianger lol.

kit also always liked erenville, but they really had a chance to develop a friendship through dawntrail. getting to go on a journey with him alone was an incredible experience for her and she's come to care for him deeply. he quickly and easily elevated himself to a place where he is cherished by her.

most interesting to me is the way she was able to finally start the process of healing the rift between herself and g'raha. because my timeline for her has stb/shb/ew all happening one on top of the other, she's not really had the chance to address her harsh, ugly, and slightly unfair feelings toward him. where she'd cooled to indifference to his presence, there was finally a moment where she was able approach the pain. you know the one. she's known for a while that she was being too hard on him, and that he deserves her grace at least as much as emet-selch or elidibus did, but has been resistant to actually taking the steps to change that. i'm actually relieved, and look forward to digging into how that all played out.

also, the mentor/mentee relationship she's built with wuk lamat is something which has been very good for her. it's much different to the one she has with alisaie in ways i'm too tired to try and parse out right now, but probably relates to the hot girl warrior fun times they had. it was something which delighted me throughout the msq.

thanks for the asks! i had such a fun time with dawntrail and will take any opportunity to chatter about it!

[i-am-beckyu]

anon who wrote the mer prompt here-

you seemed to really enjoy it (!! :D) and had a great idea where they keep shrinking instead of just staying at 1/3 for mer height

but also imagine if the magic slowly, eventually started to carry over to human form as well, where they slowly start shrinking and eventually meet the borrowers in their own house (who have been watching everything play out with popcorn in their hands) so they're basically forced out of life as a human

or! or! it's early on in the process (or whenever if you didn't like the other idea) they're in human form hanging out with some friends (of any species) then they get wet, shrink, and nobody can find them for a hot minute

sorry if im annoying you and going overboard (pun intended) on this but i saw you're reply and my brain went full throttle. Anyhow, to what I actually wanted to say in this (before the brain rot took over). Since you really seemed to enjoy this, feel absolutely free write it or some version of it/np but if you do pls put it on ao3 so i can give kudos (but srsly no pressure)

Hello same anon!!!! Thank you for a continuation to this

Because yes yes yes yes yes mer meets borrower and gets to go: oh yeah I’ve been watching this happen to you the whole time. I would stop shifting if I were you lol

My gosh I can just imagine that as a scene playing out and it’s soooo good!!! I love it!!

Plus if you were to expand on that more: you have a human that meets a mer. The mer that’s progressively shrinking. That same Mer that meets a tiny person. Said tiny person will eventually meet human. Human who has to now process a shrinking mer and the fact a tiny person has lived in their walls for literal years.

My mind would probably explode over this.

But also also the whole just disappearing thing and freaking out everyone would also be so good because the mer wouldn’t understand what’s happened and be in such a vulnerable state of mind and think they’ll probably get hurt because they’re weaker or that they’ll hate them for unintentionally hiding that they were smaller.

SO MUCH ANGST AHHHHH I LOVE

And I might write this but it’s unlikely. Not been very well atm but getting better but I’m also just having some off time for writing. We shall see tho. If anything changes I will post it both here and to ao3 as I do all my writing 🥰

[bereft-of-frogs]

writing goals for this weekend: make significant progress on part II of my little summer ocean horror project (though part II is when the ocean becomes more metaphorical) because if I can make significant progress on that I might actually make my self-imposed deadlines for the second half of the year. Current word count is 20,411.

And yes this is indeed another case of me being like ‘I’m not going to force things, I don’t want to scare away this fragile inspiration that has only just now returned from the war, and then immediately being like ‘ok I have a schedule for the next 6 months now’.

In case anyone is wondering (probably no one but I’m still going to tell you):

rest of June (this week): get as much of the first draft done as possible. Ideally finish it but I’ll see how things shake out, it might end up getting longer, who knows at this point

July 1-5: vacation! friends are coming and we’re going to my parents house and I’m not going to look at it at all, just going to take a break and read and maybe swim in the lake (this is kind of why I’m hoping to finish the draft before the end of this week)

rest of July: second draft rewrite, edits. I’ve learned that doing full second drafts, shockingly, makes my writing better. who would have thought? crazy, right?

August: ideally posting the four parts across the four Fridays in August, while finishing up, rewriting, and editing the second chapter of ‘omens and all kinds of signs’.

September-October: y’all know where I’m going with this one. I guess it will depend on if the new mods change the schedule at all but despite not completing all the prompts since that one time in 2018, and really struggling last year, I can’t think of writing in Autumn without at least giving whumptober a try. every year I’m like, ok but this time I’ll recreate the magic that got me to 100% in 2018. Probably not! Still going to try.

November: finishing up any prompts and posting.

December: chilling, figuring out what’s next

Obviously since these are self-imposed and I don’t think anyone is like...waiting for anything lol, it’s flexible. I’ll have to see how satisfied I am with this fic at the end of July because I don’t want to rush it if I feel like it could be better. I might move that posting to September, but we shall see! Also hopefully not but my inspiration could completely vanish and I won’t finish any of this! Really, really hoping not lol. And I do think this is fairly realistic, like it’s not that crazy. My schedule that one time in 2018 was way more crazy. This is fine and a totally normal thing to do XD

[knitmage87]

Temp Blanket: Week 1

It is officially 1 week into 2025 and I have completed all 7 days. It has been rather surprising on how much progress and emotions I have already felt for this project. The only thing I truly wish I could change is the curling problem that comes from stockinette lol

It is truly satisfying watching this go from one little strip and growing the way it has. Not gonna lie, this is probably going to be the longest project I have ever knitted. Biggest shall always be the Big Boi Project but this will definitely be the longest. I will try and get accurate length's but given that it is indeed a wavy pattern, will be hard pressed to do so. I can't wait for the finish line and after blocking to see how it all looks like.

Jan1 - Spring Green - 50°

Casted on with this and hit the ground running. Casted on 218 stitches. 1 | 216 | 1 is the pattern for the entire blanket. I placed stitch markers throughout the blanket. 1 to separate each 1 border stitch and then 1 sm after 24 stitches, as per the pattern says to do. I used accuweather.com to keep track of the highs of each day. I knit in the evening when the high of the day has passed, mostly to confirm what the high was to get accurate color for the stripe. I do not want to frog or backtrack on this project AT. ALL. 

Jan2 - Spring Green - 41°

Same color as the day before, which is nice because then I don’t have to cut the yarn just yet. It is kinda worrisome that the start of the year is already in the greens. Climate change is totally real, guys. Also, I saw on halfway through day 2’s stripe (row 4) that I had a void in the skein. What that means is that I’m at about halfway on just this one skein of yarn…I might need to go buy more. Oh shit.

Jan3 - Turquoise - 37°

A new color!! Hurray!!! It is going to get nothing but colder this winter here in CT but I am ready for it to bring some beautiful variations to my Temperature Blanket!! Will say that trying to get update pictures kinda sucks cause stockinette knitting tends to curl. A lot. I do not have any yarn weights so I am going the best that I can. 

Jan4 - Turquoise - 34°

I was at work all day so I did not have time to knit this stripe and will be knitting this stripe with Jan5. But it is turquoise so I thankfully do not have to cut or switch colors. Thank the gods. But I am definitely going to have to buy more of the winter colors at the end of January. Already know it. 

Jan5 - Turquoise - 33° 

Today was particularly windy and it also made me realize that I am going to have to go buy a lot more of the blues than I originally thought. And here I thought just having the get more of the Spring Green was bad enough. Oh boy. As I am knitting on row 7 out of 8 for day 5, yeah, I have a VOID in the skein. Def gonna need to buy more yarn for this project. Looking at the projected highs for the rest of the month, Turquoise and Country Blue are going to be used a lot. 

Jan6 - Country Blue - 28°

Ok, I know we are having an Arctic vortex coming over us right now but for fuck’s sake. It felt like it was colder than this all day due to the wind. I am thankful for a new color because YEESSHHH I am def gonna need to get more turquoise on my way home from work tomorrow. Most likely going to have to rewind this skein into a small cake cause the void is quite large. But for now I shall make the lovely country blue shine this day.

Jan7 - Country Blue - 29°

It was fucking WINDY today. It was freezing and winy. Not a good combo. But hey, a new color!!!! Kinda. I’m just over this cold nonsense. Working on this project makes me feel like I am accomplishing something, even with how cold it has been. I also have been trying to keep up with it and work is slightly getting in the way of it but that’s life. Seeing a side by side picture from day 1 to day 7 is such a good serotonin boost.

To sum up Week 1, I think it has gone really well. I've made tremendous progress on it and it's only been a week. A few things to note is I am definitely have to buy more yarn. This blanket will primarily be blue. Which is a different change of pace from me being in TX, that is for sure!!

[iasmelaion]

I have now played like six hours of Hades 2! A couple quick notes on doing this on a Mac via Whisky:

The only real bug I've run into is that the game freezes if I leave it on pause too long. I'm talking "fuck off to make and eat dinner" kind of pause. No big, I didn't lose any progress or anything.

My controller (8bitdo SN30 Pro, I think) does not work on it unless I disable Steam input, and I had to fiddle with the key bindings/settings because Steam thought it was a different kind of controller.

Otherwise, this works astonishingly well and easily, highly recommend if you're on M1 or later!

On to the actual game:

When the tech test came out, I dusted off my Hades 1 save to freshen up my skills (such as they are), so I feel fairly confident in saying: you really need a different playstyle for Hades 2 lol. I feel like basically all the criticism/whining I see on the subreddit boils down to people trying to play the exact same way they played Hades 1, and finding that it doesn't really work. In Hades 1, you could absolutely stack all your damage and boons and buffs onto one thing--your attack or special or casts--and shred your way through the game. That's really not how it works in Hades 2, where you need to use everything, and aim for balance and synergy. You also need to be more strategic, you can't just run in hacking and slashing or whatever the way Zag did. I am struggling with remembering this! I get why people are having trouble! But, like, it is the point. Mel is a witch, her fighting style is different.

That said, I am not any good at Hades 2 yet! I haven't even cleared the level two boss yet! But real talk, given how long it took me to clear Meg in Hades, I was very proud of myself for managing Hecate relatively quickly. Anyway, I'm not, shall we say, good at this game, but I've got god mode on and I'm having fun!

Other than some placeholder art and I assume not being able to finish the whole story, and I guess missing some gods/weapons, this really doesn't feel like an "in progress" game. I've watched some streams (Haelian on twitch), and there is SO MUCH STUFF.

Obvsly, all the art is gorgeous. I'm also already very fond of Moros.

It's hard for me to tell what's a balancing issue versus just needing to git gud, or progress further. I do think some of the boons and their mechanics need a better explanation (still fully do not get how Scorch works), and probably better balancing.

I'm still not used to the loss of one dash, and replacing it with sprint. I don't think this is something that needs to change, necessarily, just that it's something that takes some getting used to. I've seen some people suggesting a separate keybind for the sprint, and maybe that would help. I guess it'd have to be one of the trigger controls, but then I think it'd be hard for MKB. hmm.

Music is excellent as always, and the way it's incorporated into the second biome/boss fight is so fucking cool and clever.

There's a lot of stuff to juggle in terms of metacurrencies/upgrades/progression, but so far I think it's in a great way where you'll always feel like you're making progress, even if you're failing runs. With that along with the exploration of weapons/boons angle, I suspect this won't feel grindy for a good long time.

anyway, A+++ work as usual from Supergiant games, very excited to see how the game changes from EA to 1.0.

please clap, i undertook the minimum of effort required to install Whisky on my M3 Macbook and get the Hades 2 early access up and running in a bottle, rather than impulsively spending $400 on a Steam Deck

yes it took like 3.5 hours to download Hades 2, and yes I did still start playing at like 11 p.m. only to be killed like four rooms into a run, what of it

anyway, in case anyone is curious, it was really super easy to get Whisky set up on my Mac, no fiddling with settings was required, and from my like 15 mins of playtime so far, it seems to be working perfectly. My controller even works! (Though the game thinks it's a Playstation controller. oh well, I'll take it) I was honestly expecting it to be much more of a headache to get this to work, so I am very pleasantly surprised. The only issue I've run into so far is that I have to close the Windows bottle version of Steam through the little menu widget thing whose name I forget--the thing at the top by the clock--rather than in the dock, otherwise it'll just reopen again for some reason.

So for anyone else using a Silicon Mac running Sonoma: you can probably play Hades 2 early access using Whisky, which is free to download. Download the Windows version of Steam, add it to Whisky, and Whisky will run Windows-only games in a "bottle". Took like 10 mins to download, install, and set up. I used these Youtube tutorials to install Whisky and then add Steam to it. Once you've got Steam running in the bottle, log into your account, purchase/download Hades 2, install it, and you're all set!

[softimgyu]

Okay Leilani. Welcome to my domain that I've taken up in your inbox. Shall we begin?

I haven't forgotten you've joined @cocoamoonmalfoy in her endeavor to attempt to turn me into the French kid's stan. This did not go unnoticed and it is not appreciated on my end – although it probably is for Cocoa. I don't like cruel and unusual punishment, but if I have to play hard ball I will...

Which is why I've gotta ask: you like Timothée, right? He's one of your faves? You'd stick with him through thick and thin, right? Or maybe not?

Picture this: a college setting. You're taking an art class with your FWB (Tim). It's the beginning of the semester, and you somehow convinced him to take this elective with you. You wanted to bond with him, and picking something that you both could find an interest in was important to you. He didn't like to see you upset, so he agreed. He's a sweet guy, right?

So why wasn't he sweet enough to make things official?

Who knows, but you weren't trying to ruin your situation with bad vibes. Plus, you could've said something if it meant that much to you, right? Why didn't you say something, silly?

No—seriously—why didn't you say something? Because your art teacher put you all in assigned seats for some reason. She says it's to remember you all better, but you didn't like that excuse. You especially didn't like that the seating arrangement had you far away from Tim. And guess where Tim sat. Riiiiight next to one of his old friends.

It shouldn't have phased you, but you knew Tim and her went wayyy back. All the way until middle school – he'd told you. They had a strong history. But those two were just friends – or so you kept telling yourself. Nothing happened at this point between those two and you and Tim seemed to be in a good place.

Well...that was for a while. But as the semester progressed you started to see something simmering between your FWB and his old friend. Was it the topic of art that brought these two closer (I mean – an art show was what drew you and Tim together...)? Had she always looked at him this way? You never paid attention because he seemed to be preoccupied with you. But you couldn't help but recognize he might have been returning her flirty eyes during your 3-day-a-week class. Oh boy.

And oh boy indeed because you and Tim stopped spending as much time together as you did the previous semester. Somehow, you two couldn't find as much time that meshed your schedules together. Or that's what you told yourself. But you shouldn't have been in denial too much. Maybe if you were being real, you wouldn't have been surprised when Tim told you him and the old friend were going on a date.

How would you feel when he hesitantly broke this news to you? Mad, hurt, denial...happiness? Eh. Would you tell him about your feelings or would you feign happiness and help him get ready for the date lol?

Well. Lol. I look forward to your response. Cheers girly 🥂

warning: K did not provide much proofreading :/ excuse the past/present-tense whiplash smh

So why wasn't he sweet enough to make things official?

I'd say at the time we both came to an agreement that we weren't ready for anything official

Why didn't you say something, silly?

I unfortunately am the type to suffer in silence. :(

How would you feel when he hesitantly broke this news to you? Would you tell him about your feelings or would you feign happiness and help him get ready for the date lol?

I think I'd feel some type of way honestly loll, and then I think because of these emotions I will say SOMETHING to hopefully? Perhaps change his mind.

BY THE TIME I FINALLY ANSWERED THIS IT BECAME THE NEW YEAR SO HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!! 🎊

[appledotcodotuk]

why the hive fckin suck at its job: a rant

spoilers for tgwdlm ahead!

first of all, it's important to consider what exactly the hive's job is. my answer is... who the fuck knows. literally. what is the hive's aim. what do you want Paul? more like, what do you want hive? let's find out!

it kinda evolves, as the play progresses. the intial aim of the hive, and one that does actually remain consistent is the constant burning need to grow and devour and gain more and more (insert capitalism metaphor here).

however, this is distorted by the people it possess who influence that aim, as we'll see later.

also the fact it crashes into a theatre displaying Mamma Mia gives the hive the motive it need to fit the world around it to the structure of the musical. having no originality of its own, the hive instead just picks up what is given to it. kinda like an evil baby.

it wants uniformity, that is indeed its ultimate goal and desire, no duh. it thinks it can achieve that through musical theatre, shame that the hive is dead wrong. cause the hive fucking sucks at its own job / aim / ultimate purpose / one concrete goal that motivates all its actions.

can't maintain control over its subjects

okay, so, the hive wants uniformity. it wants everyone to be dancing to the beat of its own tune. right? yeah. shame it literally can't keep its own possessed subjects in line at all. at the risk of sounding like the 10th doctor waxing lyrical abt humanity for the 50th time, humans are really difficult to control cause we're not really motivated by an altruistic allegiance to one primary good. we've got icky emotions that often move us to do stupid unpredictable stuff way more. it makes me wonder if the reason the hive wanted to use musical theatre to try and persuade ppl was cause it seems to think that is how theyll get emotive humans; through emotive songs. anyways. let's look at some examples shall weeeee?

Mr Davidson:

so, Mr Davidson. funnily enough, he's the guy whose in part acting as the hive trying to figure out what it wants through his interactions w/ Paul. every person it possess gives it just a bit more humanity and curiosity abt the world it is currently taking over. at least I think so. hence why as the musical develops u get character's like possessed!Alice wondering 'why does it hurt to love?' - the change in music and mood to something much more introspective really suggests to me that the hive is beginning to question the thoughts and emotions of its human hosts.

Mr Davidson is a family man through and through, he loves his wife Carol. she's his muse, his source of light. his feelings for her are not concrete or easy to explain and solve - hence why his sudden ahem demand of her is so hilarious and also jarring. it completely clashes with the 'I want song' which is simple, and often pushes forward a wider cause. not so with Mr Davidson, he just really loves his wife man. enough to break a frickin alien possession.

tbh I think its hilarious that (at least to me) the hive has to force him to forget and continue with the song, like, he straight up is just talking to his wife in that phone call, talking, not singing. so, no possession until he reverts back into song. ergo, the hive cannot maintain the uniformity it wants. even from the get go when theoretically its control should be stronger cause it has less ppl to co-ordinate. bad. at. its. job.

Paul:

this one hurts folks. yes, I know it's generally agreed, though somewhat debated that the state of Paul by the end of the tgwdlm is not purely possessed. I agree. once again, the hive is unable to truly enforce uniformity.

at this point, the motives of Paul and the hive are kinda just mixed, neither fully human nor fully alien. hence the constant shifts between pleeing for her to get away, to hide, to stay safe: 'what if the only choice is you have to sing to survive' and just full on old style hive nastiness 'let me puke in your mouth and just open your food bin girl' (so romantic 🥰 /j).

the hive has gone away from its original aim, and become something... different. no longer stuck to just one type of genre or style of song, it's really clever to show the developing complexity of the hive by showing how it is now juggling lots of different motifs with references to all the old songs from before recontextualised in a new way - its learning. evil baby... no longer uniform.

general miscommunication:

there are several instances of the hive not fully having uniform control over its subjects. for instance, right after not your seed with the three teens having to like... calibrate. they aren't just completely connected then?? also, this is a very small thing, but uhhhh at the end of inevitable when Paul is about to say the apotheosis is upon... the chorus interrupts him with USSSSSSS. interruptions??? not very in sync of u hive.

I think this inability to exert uniformity is also shown in the contrast between genre of musical theatre. my alien abomination cannot decide whether it wants to be the more modern edgy rock musical (join us (and die), not your seed ) or super happy go lucky old style musical theatre (lah dee dah dah day, and inevitable). it tries to do both, even while trying to encourage union, and sticking to one thing. hypocrite!!!!!

2. aims are guided by the people it possess

so, I mentioned this a bit already, but the hive isn't only mutating the humans, the humans are mutating the hive right back. this is more an interesting observation than any actual analysis but let's goooo.

greenpeace girl:

I think it's very likely that greenpeace girl is one of the first to be possessed. This is probably easily debunkable but whatever this analysis is flying by the seat or its pants anywayyyyy. why? cause where else would it pick up that whole 'this planet needs fixing' thing? it's interesting too, cause it morphs from expressing the desire to join hands and sing together, unity and peace with no actual action behind it. this then goes right to the other end, with the hive going 'fine I'll do it myself' and trying to save things by enforcing a dictatorship on the world. it develops and changes, and strays from its original means of accomplishing its aims! speaking oooooof...

3. inconsistent in means of accomplishing aims

okay, ur an evil hive mind. u think musicals are the way to win over these silly humans cause they're all weak and emotive and seem to respond to them. but, wait! schwoopsie! you haven't realised that for emotional depth and growth to mean anything, you need there to be established development and well... growth. otherwise the sentiments are as vague as the ones expressed in What Do You Want, Paul?

this show has genuine emotional moments, just not really during the musical numbers WITH EXCEPTIONS. any strife is smoothed over quickly, and so the development and change that would have to go into such growth is just gone. (see, You Tied Up My Heart) all so it can achieve its own desire to grow and grow and grow, maybe a metaphor for art being killed under late stage capitalism??

what actually matters is the impact the songs have afterwards, in causing a death - because we have a bond and care abt these characters. those short scenes between Paul and Emma are actually way more resonant than any song. except... inevitable, and also not your seed a bit. at this point the hive has learnt a thing or two, and can actually twist human emotion a little. but for it to do that, it has to reject the uniformity it prizes, and be adaptable. point towards being more human than it first thought? methinks so. and yet it's just not enough...

it's also why let it out, to me, feels really ingenuine. Paul has expressed himself in much better ways already. what they're doing is clearly paining him, and hurting the guy. he's terrified bless.

you can't force someone into being emotional vulnerable, man.

it's why all the deaths for the characters who are forced to express themselves are really violent, involving them being ripped open - literally forcing them to expose themselves from the 'inside out' as Alice reflects in Not Your Seed. you can't force genuine emotional connection, it has to be fostered, shown in the much more affecting relationship of Paul and Emma. the only reason the hive actually has power over our characters is because of these genuine emotional connections, which it tries and often fails to take advantage of, resulting in just resorting to brute violence. messy hive, very messy.

at the core, the musical's a kinda attack on that toxic positivity mindst: trying to force people to reach the sort of easy solutions by sharing feelings in a way that feels pretty invasive and deciding you are instantly fixed. the problems these characters face are jarringly not really what you'd expect a character in a musical to face, cheating, a lot of it, mid-life crisis. problems that are bland, or wayyyy too real. this is purposefully done, to reveal just how silly the hive's aim to use musical theatre to solve everyone's problem is. life is more complex than that smh.

4. a human can write a much more expressive, and genuine song than they ever could lol

u know which song I'm talking abt. what more is there to say. so much for making persuasive songs to tempt people over.

5. make me sad cause they took some perfectly nice ppl and funked them up 😭

this was a stupid point lol. basically I'm just bitter that this hive took a bunch of perfectly okay ppl and gave them hive brain. screw u hive. I swear I'm gonna watch Black Friday soon, cause I'm sure it's gonna completely destroy every thought I've had so far, but whateve,,, just take this as a look at tgwdlm like it's a stand-alone piece.

these guys are supposed to all be 'individuals' on one level, but also 'appendages of a much larger organism'. there's a little too much individualism and fracturing to be cohesive enough to do that I feel. the hive to me is not an infallible, unstoppable force, in fact, every human it takes over only brings it closer to understanding us. so that's maybe a slight positive note??? idk ?! I just have lots of thoughts and feelings abt this musical even if this doesn't make sense I'm proud i wrote it down hehe.

[mammoneymelon]

Rating: General Audiences Relationships: Mammon/Reader Characters: Mammon, MC Additional Tags: Pining, Self-Reflection, Songfic, Song: Ocean Eyes (Billie Eilish), Angst, Light Angst, one f word lol, Lesson 16 Spoilers, mammon deserves the world :( Series: Part 1 of obey me billie eilish angst?? ok

Summary:

You still had a long way to go, and knowing Mammon, it was going to be a long, long journey, but the longer you stared at the mixture of fear and hope in his eyes, the more you were convinced that it was worth it.

- -

MC pines for Mammon.

i've been watching you for some time can't stop staring at those ocean eyes

When you’d first been pulled from your day-to-day life, forced into a world quite literally separate from your own, you honestly hated your captors. No matter where you looked, you were met with seemingly the most self-obsessed beings in all of existence. No one seemed to give a damn about your situation or the fact that they’d straight up kidnapped you, and any attempts to express your distress was dismissed as selfishness as if you weren’t the victim in the situation.

At first, you’d thought Mammon was the absolute worst. You couldn’t get him to shut up about how much of a burden you were and you would have beat the living daylights out of him if he weren’t one of the most powerful demons ever.

You weren’t sure when exactly this changed, but it was probably after you made your pact. Seeing him as a flustered mess the next morning had shown you a different side to the demon, and he almost looked small as he did his best to save face as his brothers teased him. That’s when you began to realize that his obnoxious, self-congratulatory nature was a shield - a desperate attempt to protect himself from the deeply rooted notion that he wasn’t enough. He treated you like a burden because he felt like one.

When you’d used your pact, his eyes had widened locked with yours as he finally called you by your name. That was what you’d wanted, but you couldn’t even focus on his words as you stared. He still had the eyes of an angel, beautiful blue orbs with specks of gold that reflected the contents of his heart, a constant reminder of the past that he did his best to bury.

burning cities and napalm skies fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes your ocean eyes

“...Listen. The next time your life’s in danger, I’m gonna be the one to save you, all right? Don’t you forget that. ...And if I can’t manage to save ya, then make sure you die, got it?! I don’t want no one else steppin’ in and savin’ you, all right?! It’s me or no one, understand?!”

You looked into his eyes, and your heart nearly stopped as you saw the desperation in them. The grip of his hand on yours was painful and Beel’s eyes on you were almost scary, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. A silence befell the room and Mammon averted his eyes from your own. You watched the heat rise in his cheeks, a darker shade overtaking the majority of his face.

It was the smallest of gestures, but you recognized that he was opening up - or at least trying to. You still had a long way to go, and knowing Mammon, it was going to be a long, long journey, but the longer you stared at the mixture of fear and hope in his eyes, the more you were convinced that it was worth it.

“All right, got it.”

no fair you really know how to make me cry when you give me those ocean eyes

And it was worth it - or so you keep telling yourself. The closer you get, the further you fall. You know very well that you aren’t alone in your pining, but no matter how much progress you seem to make, you know that Mammon will always panic, say something stupid, and you’ll get thrown right back to square one.

As much as you love the demon, you know he’s not ready to open up fully, and he might not ever be. You get it: he’s been alone for so long, indulging in his sin in a desperate attempt to drown out his fears, spent so much time acting as the punching bag of everyone around him that now he refuses to believe he can be anything more.

The only time you’d ever seen him even get close to admitting his feelings was as you watched him cradle your fucking corpse, sobbing and begging for you to wake up. He hadn’t even touched you for months after that, and it took a mental breakdown from you to get him to explain that he was scared that you would be cold and lifeless to the touch (or even worse, not even there). It broke your heart as you realized that you’d hurt him, and he couldn’t even touch you without being overwhelmed with the idea that he would lose anyone he loved - after all, the last time he let himself care for someone, he had to watch that person’s mangled body die in his arms.

You can’t do that to him ever again, and you know that. You want nothing more than to hold him in your arms and make him allow himself to feel loved, but you can’t, so instead you lay in your bed and try not to cry as you realize that you’ve fallen from grace and straight into the mercy of a demon.

i'm scared i've never fallen from quite this high fallin' into your ocean eyes

[sneverussape]

i finally understand why i was attracted to snape’s character even back when i was a kid and for some reason it’s given me a strange sense of inner peace?? it’s equal parts confronting my past, understanding it, and acknowledging that the trauma i experienced wasn’t my fault, and it’s glorious.

(this is personal and has mentions of abuse so i’m keeping it under a cut)

idk why i suddenly thought about it, but i guess being in this space is forcing me to reflect since people constantly ask why anyone would like snape. tbh it’s not anyone else’s business why complete strangers would like a fictional character bUT after seeing that question (demand, really) enough times, my brain just really went “ok let’s look into this shall we?” and so i did.  

for context, i’m in my 30s and the first books came out when i was about harry’s own age, so i was an 11yo reading about an 11yo in about the same time period the books were set in, which was the 90s. my family had a typical idyllic set-up -- we were comfortable, my brothers and i went to good schools, my parents were together and in love, etc. my parents, however, were opposites when it came to raising us, which was a reflection of how they were raised themselves: my dad was raised quite passively and thus was very lax, but my mom had had a domineering military father who had a habit of shouting and intimidating his kids (obvs ptsd...thanks army), so that plus corporal punishment was a regular routine and part of her parenting agenda. since my dad was also barely around (he was a businessman who always had to fly off somewhere), we were often stuck with her and our nannies (who never got involved anyway when my mom was on a tirade). needless to say, it was Not a Fun Time. she had a vicious temper too, and an even sharper tongue, often unleashed due to the most mundane things (like...whether or not you had finished your homework). i learned how to lie convincingly because of it; i could only take a verbal (which could also escalate to physical) lashing up to a certain point. 

anyway, between her, an absent father, and indulgent grandparents who were always there but who had all favored my older brother (to the point where they would leave me behind and take just him out to the mall or parks or whatever for the day), i didn’t have a lot of adults i felt i could trust. teachers and coaches at that point in my life were meh, i didn’t see my aunts and uncles often enough (and the one aunt i was devoted to habitually broke her promises to me which hurt my feelings), and the nannies we had, though i loved all of them, could never stay, so they broke my heart over and over. 

enter this trash man of a character who swooped into a classroom full of kids my age and proceeded to make the most dramatic speech of the century. i was never scared or intimidated by snape. i was enraptured by his theatricality, and the way he focused his attention on a boy he didn’t even like. i loved his wit and his sarcasm. best of all, i loved how he was described as someone who was loyal to and was proud of his house, and by extension, the children in them. to me, that was all i needed to know, and all i wanted. i was a kid who sought the security of a grown-up, one who would not hurt me (physically at least; and i had trusted him in my head enough that i knew that if he would give me hell it would have been well-deserved) but would stand by me; one that i could have depended on, had he stood living and breathing in front of me as he was assigned my head of house (i’ve always identified as a slytherin anyway lol so that wasn’t even hard to imagine). he was clever and sassy and funny too, which only added to the allure. that was why i had latched on to him, and probably why i’ve stayed latched. if i were to be cheesy about it, my love for him helped eventually shape me into the adult i had needed when i was younger: one who never raises a hand to children; one who who thinks before they say something to a child; one who keeps their promises. it’s weird that i have snape (and myself) to thank for it but i do. i loved his character so much and since the books were coming out during my formative years, i had plenty of time and opportunity to grow up alongside him. it’s been quite a trip. 

on my parents - i forgave them back in high school when i started seeing them as individuals and understood that they have their own issues that they should have resolved on their own, ideally before they became parents. since it’s nothing i can change, i’m honestly over it, and i have been for a while. it’s just...so fulfilling when something like this happens because it’s like uncovering a part of your personality, enabling you to understand why you’re built a certain way (i have deep-seated abandonment issues that i actively work on, and i balk at physical contact, i guess as a defense mechanism from the time my mom used to swipe at me, among many other issues) and in the process be given the means to try to be better. it’s also great when you remember that your favorite character was a Mess and a Work in Progress, because tbh so are you?? so is everyone else and that’s ok.

bottom line: i love snape and i definitely know why, henceforth i will love him forever and honestly no hell-raiser on this flaming dumpster of a site will ever change my mind

[nerdybookworm25]

Rambling about Katara and Zutara

Ok so I’m going to kind of just put my two cents out there on this stuff. I joined the ATLA fandom this past summer and just started watching TLOK (my brother and I just finished Book 2 yesterday). This is a hot debate and I just want to ramble on about my opinions on this stuff. A lot of this will focus on Katara’s perspective because I can understand her better than Zuko or Aang due to personal experience. Im just... gonna... get into it now...

I’ll give you some background on me so you guys can understand where I’m coming from. I’m a 15 year old girl with abandonment issues caused by multiple deaths of close friends and family at a young age (my uncle when I was 4, a grandmother like figure when I was 7, my dad’s mum when I was 9 or 10, my great grandma when I was 11, a close friend of my dad’s when I was 13 and many others). I also am the Mum Friend (my friends literally call me “Mum”). I’m the caregiver of the group- the glue, the harmonizer, the therapist, the teacher, the good advice giver etc. (This stuff actually hot me in trouble as a kid and it kind of messed me up). My friends who have seen Avatar have compared me to Katara on multiple occasions and say I’ve got the temperament of a waterbender. You can kind of see where I’d relate, you know?

I do ship Zutara. My brother turned to me during the Book 1: Water- Episode 9~ The Waterbending Scroll and asked, “What if Zuko becomes a good guy and ends up with Katara?” From then on I was on the Zutara hill and I’ll probably die there. It limited ships that I loved from childhood and I thought it would hav been really cool- it would have fit the themes of the show, it would have been a cool thing to see grow and blossom, etc. It had nothing to do with Katara and Zuko being attractive at all- not in the slightest. It also wasn’t me projecting onto Katara. I didn’t really care to notice any major similarities between us until Book Three: Fire- Episode 7~ The Runaway. It was this exchange that changed Katara from my favorite character to someone I could heavily relate to.

Toph: [Sarcasically.] Oh really, Mom? Or what are you gonna do? Send me to my room?

Katara: I wish I could!

Toph: well you can’t! Because you’re not my mom, and you’re not their mom! [Extends her arm at Aang and Sokka, who are sitting on a ledge.]

Katara: I never said I was!

Toph: No, but you act like it! You think it’s your job to boss everyone around, but it’s not! You’re just a regular kid like the rest of us! Stop acting like you can tell me what to do! I can do whatever I want!

I remember bursting out laughing when I heard this. My brother asked me what was up and I paused it and explained that that was a lecture I revived so regularly when I was younger. It really really ended up messing me up. It’s not like I tried to mother anyone- it just happened. I wasn’t controlling it. I didn’t notice I was doing it and I got in trouble. Now things are different and I’ve embraced the fact that I am the designated Mum Freind. Still working on getting over being told off about it in therapy though. Anyway, I think you now can understand where I’m coming from with this “analysis.” Now I’m going to get into it (for real this time lol).

I think I’m going to start with the caregiver stuff. Katara’s mother died when she was very young. It was a very traumatic death. We can infer that Katara blamed herself for this death because the Southern Raiders were looking for the last waterbender of the Southern Water Tribe- her. That’s a lot for an 8 year old to try to process. Here’s the kicker: I don’t think she ever fully processed it until after Book 3: Fire- Episode 16~ The Southern Raiders. She almost immediately helped her grandmother take up the roll as the woman of the house. She probably didn’t feel like she had anyone to talk to about what she was feeling however true or false that’s what she most likely perceived this to be. When Hakoda leaves for war with all of the men of the tribe, Kanna might be the matriarch and help raise Sokka and Katara but even Sokka admits that Katara became a pseudo-mother for him. Taking care of others doesn’t leave a lot of time to deal with your own issues. Sometimes it feels easier to help others face their demons than face your own.

We continue to see Katara become the glue of the Gaang as the series progresses. She keeps them together in the Si Wong desert after Aang leaves her, Sokka, Toph, and Momo. She’s always the one cooking, cleaning, and mending not because she wants to, but because she knows no one else will do it and it needs to be done. We see her try to coax Toph into helping out around camp when she firsts joins the Gaang. It doesn’t work and this conflict continues for most of Book 2 and the beginning of Book 3. All of this time, she’s making it a point to take care of everyone. When the adults show up after the Boiling Rock, she’s still the one making the dinner and probably does a lot of the other chores as well (except for tea making- this will come into play later).

There’s a running joke about Katara being “Momtara” within the ATLA fandom (more the Zutaraians in the fandom than anything else but it’s a pretty well known concept). We continue to see this when the Gaang is on Ember Island. She brings them all drink during training sessions, watches said training sessions in case someone gets hurt and they need her, wrangles Sokka to the best of her ability, and just generally looks out for everyone regardless of age gap. It’s her natural instinct to be motherly. She retains this quality even after she finds Yon Rha. (Getting closure on her mother’s death doesn’t mean losing what had become a major personality trait).

Let’s unpack that now, shall we? Kya dies and Katara thinks it’s her fault. She doesn’t really talk to anyone about it. A few years later, Hakoda leaves to fight in the war. The Southern Water Tribe recives no letters or news about what happened to their warriors at all. Katara felt like she lost another parent. She nearly says as much during Book 3: Fire- Episode 1~ The Awakening.

Hakoda: You’re taking about me too, aren’t you?

Katara: How could you leave us, Dad? [She attempts to wipe away the tears.] I mean, I know we had Gran-Gran, and she loved us, but we were just so lost without you.

Hakoda moves to comfort her as she turns away.

Hakoda: I’m so sorry, Katara.

Katara: [Embraces Hakoda.] I understand why you left. I really do, and I know that you had to go, so why do I still feel this way? I’m so sad and angry and hurt!

The thing that sets off this exchange is Aang running away for the third time since Katara has known him (the fourth time in Aang’s lifetime). The other times he ran were when confronted by the rude fisherman in Book 1: Water- Episode 12~ The Storm, then again during Book 2: Earth- Episode 11~ The Desert. Aang has a, for lack of a better word, chronic running away problem. I’m not mad at him for it. It makes him an interesting character and shows that he too has flaws (even if they aren’t always addressed but that’s an issue with Bryke). When Aang flys away after waking up during 3.1, Katara is distraught.

Katara: He left.

Hakoda: What?

Katara: Aang. He just took his glider and disappeared. He has this ridiculous notion that he has to save the world alone, that it’s all his responsibility.

Hakoda: Maybe that’s his way of being brave.

Katara: Its not brave, it’s selfish and stupid! We could be helping him and I know the world needs him, but doesn’t he know how much we need him, too? How can he just leave us behind?

Katara feels abandoned by Aang. This is completely understandable. She has every right to be angry at him and feel sad that he flew away. He comes back every time but I feel like if I were in her position, as much as I’d hope my friend would come back and I’d tell everyone that I knew he would, I’d still be afraid that there was an off chance that he doesn’t. This is a natural human reaction to this situation. People were seemingly constantly fading in and out of Katara’s life and that just wasn’t good for her mental health. It couldn’t have been. This also raises the question of if someone has a very serious fear of abandonment, would it be healthy to be in a romantic relationship with someone who consistently leaves? Personally I don’t think so. Be friends? Sure. Date? I don’t know. It doesn’t quite sit right with me.

Katara probably feels abandoned by Zuko too. During the Book 2 Finale: Crossroads of Destiny, Katara and Zuko bond in the crystal catacombs under Ba Sing Se. They relate over their shared fear of being abandoned by those they love (yes I think Zuko has abandonment issues too- among other issues/fears). When he turns his back on her, she doesn’t live him (obviously). She has cared about him enough up to that point to offer to use what is arguably her most powerful possession to heal his scar. She cares. Because she cares about him then, she is downright livid when he betrays her. (Of course the difference between Zuko and Aang with this is Zuko leaves once and comes back and he doesn’t leave again. Aang leaves and comes back over and over and over again).

Katara: I thought you had changed!

Zuko: I have changed!

Katara carries the weight of his betrayal on her mind until she and Zuko go on their life changing field trip to confront the man who killed Katara’s mother. This was her time to finally get closure. She had probably had these feelings bottled up for 6 years and didn’t act on them. When she finally had the chance, her best friend and brother tried to stop her. She lashed out.

Katara: We’re going to find the man who took my mother from me.

Sokka pauses and stands up, surprised.

Zuko: Sokka told me the story of what happened. I know who did it and I know how to find him.

Aang: Um ... and what exactly do you think this will accomplish?

Katara: [Shakes her head in dismay.] Ugh, I knew you wouldn’t understand. [Begins to walk away.]

Aang: Wait! Stop! I do understand. You’re feeling unbelievable pain and rage. How do you think I felt about the sandbenders when they stole Appa? How do you think I felt about the Fire Nation when I found out what happened to my people?

Zuko: She needs this, Aang. This is about getting closure and justice.

Aang: I don’t think so. I think this is about getting revenge.

Katara: [Angrily.] Fine, maybe it is! Maybe it’s what he deserves!

Aang: Katara, you sound like Jet.

Katara: Its not the same! Jet attacked the innocent. This man, he’s a monster.

Sokka: Katara, she was my mother, too, but I think Aang might be right.

Katara: Then you didn’t love her the way I did!

Sokka: [Hurt.] Katara!

Katara gets a lot of flack for this interaction. She says Sokka didn’t love their mother like she did and Sokka I’d understandably hurt. It doesn’t excuse what she said, but people do lash out when they are feeling a lot of emotions and they get defensive when they feel like they’re being ganged up on or attacked (I myself am guilty of this sort of thing). What Katara said was wrong but I have no doubt in my mind that she didn’t apologize to Sokka when he and the rest of the Gaang arrive on Ember Island later in the episode. She is seen walking over to him after she hugs Zuko.

Zuko and Katara go after Yon Rha anyway. For once in her life, Katara is feeling emotions and no one is trying to get her to stop or to push them aside. She doesn’t have to be constantly taking care of someone so she can focus on herself. Katara trusts Zuko more than I think she realizes. I mean she trusts him with a lot and he follows through on a lot of unspoken/subconscious agreements and promises.

Zuko is looking out for her. Zuko has her back. Zuko is allowing her to feel all of these emotions and work them out of her own accord. Zuko isn’t telling her to feel one way or another. Zuko isn’t going to judge her for whatever she decides to do when they find Yon Rha or what she does in order for them to get to that point. Zuko ensures she gets the closure she feels she needs.

When he sees her bloodbend, he’s surprised, but he isn’t appalled. When he thinks she’s going to run Yon Rha through with a giant shard of ice, he doesn’t try to stop her. He lets her be her. He sees a dark side of her in a way that no one else in the Gaang has seen. It’s strangely intimate. Clearly it has enough of an impact to make her forgive him. She knows he isn’t going to abandon betray her and her friend again.

Once they become friends, and even before that, Zuko starts to help out with small things here and there. We see him making tea for all of the kids at dinner. He tells jokes to make them laugh. He teaches Aang firebending. He goes with Sokka to the Boiling Rock to make sure he doesn’t get himself killed or in a prison cell for the rest of his life. With all of this, “Dadko” is born.

If you strip away Zuko’s anger, he just becomes the awkward-turtleduck-first-time-father that we all know and love. There’s more balance in the Gaang with him there to help and become an “authority” figure with Katara. They become the parents of the other members of the Gaang. It’s an interesting shift in their relationship- enemies to unsteady acquaintances to enemies to frenemies to friends. They’re close enough that they show small signs of physical intimacy and they tease each other.

Also if you look close enough when the Gaang walks into the “seedy Earth Kingdom tavern,” Zuko and Katara appear to be holding hands and are near each other from then until the finale episodes. They are clearly just great friends by the end of the show. I mean Zuko also takes a bolt of lightning to the chest for her...

Zuko doesn’t leave when his life gets difficult- not after he joins the Gaang. He made that mistake once and he won’t make it again. Aang was always part of the Gaang but continued to leave (again, I’m not mad at him for it but he never seems to realize the effect it has on the people around him- especially Katara). Zuko also doesn’t all but forget Katara and continue to run around the world. When Zuko fully decides to stick around, you best believe he is sticking around.

This works really well for Zutara. They’re both each other’s rock. They support each other and help each other in times of trouble. Do they argue? Yes. Is that a normal part of a healthy relationship- romantic or otherwise? Yes. Do they take care of and look out for each other while also not smothering or suffocating each other? Yes. I don’t know about you but this sounds stable and healthy to me. They balance each other out so well (I’m not going to get too into that because if you’re reading this you probably already know with the whole Tui and La, Yin and Yang, Oma and Shu thing).

Now, this is a big deal for me and it makes me furious, but Katara is forgotten by history. She has no statue. She is reduced to a housewife and healer- things our wonderful water feminist was afraid of becoming as an adult. I mean this girl

This girl

THIS GIRL

She becomes nothing but a housewife stuck in a healing hut who gets forgotten by the world and left behind by her family just... let’s all of that happen? Yeah that’s pretty unrealistic. I think about this frequently and with starting TLOK I have formed even more opinions and have a little thingy (I don’t know what to call it) for what happened to her.

Kya II is everything Teenage Katara wanted to do and be before settling down. Old Katara is everything Teenage Katara was so afraid of become reduced to/becoming.

It’s an interesting way to think about it and I thought I’d share. Now if Katara was Fire Lady, she wouldn’t end up like that. She’d have the power to change the world and continue to fight for what she believed in. She could have helped with the trail with Yakone. Katara has so much potential to not be forgotten or brushed aside and somehow it happened. It makes me so sad. The potential Zutara had to make sure Katara had a genuine legacy was right there at their finger tips and they didn’t use it. What a shame. What a shame.

With all of the things I’ve talked about, I just feel like Zutara would have been better for Katara than Kataang was. I think that’s more Bryke not developing the relationship well enough and instead choosing to be sloppy and selfish in the way they structured the relationship. Yeah this is my rambling on about the issue. Hope it was mildly entertaining! If you want me to write something about how Zuko would have benefited from Zutara, let me know!

[lizacstuff]

SCK / Edser asks - ep 31/32

Asks about episode 31, some discussion of 32 under the cut

Anonymous said: with the past two episodes, i realized, for me at least, it's not so much about it feeling disjointed (31 didn't really feel disjointed to me tbf) but about the lack of edser screentime. when we do have their scenes, they're good! but the last 2 eps haven't had a lot of it which is what's frustrating (more annoying to me than even selin believe it or not). the fragman for next week looks good though.. with serkan losing his shit more and more.. which can only mean good things for us! lol.

Yes, I agree with this. This episode was a lot less disjointed than 30. 30 felt weird. For 31, there wasn’t enough Edser, but I found it leaps and bounds easier to watch than the last two episodes. As for not enough Edser, I was wondering if that was partly about the short shooting week. For episode 31 they only shot 4 days, a couple of paps said that they did that to give Kerem 3 days off last week because his family was visiting from US/Canada. I don’t know if that’s true, but they follow him around so they pry know if the fam is in town or not. Perhaps in doing that, they had to rely more on the second unit and focus on other characters?? Because there was a lot of focus on other characters this episode.

Speaking of other storylines, I do have to say that I’m very relieved that there is an actual reason why Ceren has lost the thread a bit. If she’s off her meds it explains a lot, and I’m thankful that while she tantrumed a lot about Eda and forced herself on someone who wasn’t inviting it with Deniz, she didn’t do anything unforgivable like actively try and hurt Eda. 

Also the Erdem and Leyla scenes were amusing, and my queen Melo can do anything she wants. The only character who actually gives a damn about Eda and Serkan.  

While there wasn’t enough Edser, there was more than a lot of people are giving the episode credit for.  They had several really good scenes in the office with the balloons and the staring and later him questioning her about Deniz. We got jealous Serkan sniffing around Eda and Deniz’s cafe, and a really nice outside Eda’s house scene that got them being kind to each other and really, honestly talking. Then the funny scene inside with everyone thinking they were back together and Aydan freaking out. (we even got Serkan getting a few cathartic slaps!)  The boat scenes were good, but they could have been better. I think they could have given us more and Eda could have been a bit more open with him trying so hard. 

The final scene was a slap in the face and I think sort of tainted the rest of the episode, but without that, I thought there was actual progress made. 

As for the fragman (and the extra scenes released in the VDay video yesterday) I actually have hope for 32 being a turning point. We’ve seen him be curious about her and opening up with her, now I think we’ll see the ye olde sexual attraction hitting him hard. That should be good!  Plus banning love in the office! Vintage jealous Serkan!

Anonymous said: Last week's episode was not my favorite but after this week's, I'm just confused at the writing situation. You could jump from episode 30, to the last minute of episode 31 and you would've seen all you needed to see. It feels like they're wasting potential. Maybe the showrunner knows something we don't about how much time they have but I'm at the "not mad, but very disappointed" phase with how this story is going. And the "Ceren is crazy off her meds" storyline is particularly striking an nerve.

I’m sorry that the Ceren off her meds story is upsetting to you, I can see that. Unfortunately, I really don’t have faith they’ll do it justice. This show has treated some very big issues like agoraphobia, claustrophobia, narcolepsy, panic attacks and lets not forget amnesia and PTSD, at a very superficial level. However, I am glad that they at least gave a plausible reason for Ceren to undergo a behavioral change.  

However, I don’t agree with you that the rest of the episode was pointless. I thought the Edser we did get was very good and Serkan made big strides. He was drawn to Eda, intrigued by her, asking questions, very jealous of Deniz, lying to Selin, getting annoyed at Selin, and meanwhile Eda and Serkan had some nice quite conversations. Remember the man doesn’t know her, but he feels that primal pull towards her and it still terrifies him. Especially now that we’re past her heightened emotions of ep 29, and he’s realizing what a competent professional she is and also caring and sweet, not quite the picture that Selin painted him. 

The problem is the 1 step forward, 2 steps back that they’re having him do.  However, what I’m hoping will happen is that all these experiences, these big steps forward he makes with Eda, before he freaks, gets back under the influence of Selin and jumps backwards, will have a cumulative effect and he’ll take a giant leap forward soon. 

There are so many moments that show his tendency to be carrying and attentive towards Eda (offering to drive Eda home after the yacht, vs telling Selin he’s busy and she can go on ahead so he can sit and think about Eda), the switch has got to flip sooner rather than later for him. 

Anonymous said: So I noticed that "March 20th" is 5 Saturdays from now. I sincerely hope they don't drag this fake engagement out until then

Good GAWD, don’t even say that! LMAO. Honestly, truly, I don’t think we’re going to drag her fake engagement out that long. Really truly. Have I convinced you yet? Have I convinced myself yet? 

That would be way too much. By March 20th I’m expecting them to be sexing each other up! 

Anonymous said: Think I am going to shake off the not so greatness of the last two episodes by thinking about how hot it is going to be watching Serkan try to win Eda back. Because we ended yet another episode with Serkan apparently still having zero interest in putting his engagement on hold and no progress made towards unmasking Selin’s game. Edser scenes were fire always but still too short & too far in between. At this point I think most of us could write a novel about how all over the place the writing is and how little things makes sense but that is just too depressing.

Yes, I think this is very true. IMO they really miscalculated by going with these engagements. They are really wearing on the audience. But I do think you’re right, that them constantly changing writers is a big part of the issue. Also I think it has to do with constantly living on the edge and not knowing how many episodes this show is going to have. I don’t know how any show could have a clear and consistent narrative with that constantly hanging over the creatives heads. It’s an interesting way to do things. 

It is a bit head spinning when you think about how much time on this show they spend with Edser together and how much apart. HOWEVER, I’m a big proponent that from 16-26, they were basically in a romantic relationship the entire time. Even though they weren’t together, they were together, they belonged to each other, they couldn’t leave each other alone, every decision they made was with the other in mind. But I’m one that doesn’t find those episodes as tortuous as some, there are a LOT of good moments and scenes in there. 

Anonymous said: So was Deniz agreeing to work with Selin supposed to be the start of her downfall? Or not? It honestly seems like the show is not even going the route of Selin doing something to mess with his memories anymore and just going to have Serkan flat out choose Eda over Selin but who knows. Only shining light on that front was the fact that Selin & Serkan had very few couple scenes in the last episode.

You are me, I’ve been wondering about this. The last episode sort of made me give up hope that Selin is going to face any repercussions for the disgusting way she has manipulated and brainwashed an amnesia victim.  I mean, she will be heartbroken and will have to slink out of town again, but it’s possible she may not face any blowback from the other characters and that will suck. 

On the bright side (you know I always have to look on the bright side) that means instead of her being unmasked, it will be, as you say, just Serkan, once again, straight up choosing Eda over her. Which is delicious and romantic in it’s own right. Their love once again triumphing over the biggest of odds, with everything stacked against them and people actively working against them and him suffering from a brain injury. That’s big. And I think after the way Serkan has treated Eda, it’s important that he choose and not just have th choice taken from him by Selin being “unmasked.” Though I’m happy if she’s unmasked after he’s already fallen for Eda (which lets be honest is actively happening). 

So there’s a lot of upside to that, to Serkan just choosing, however if that happens and she leaves prior to him regaining his memories, we’ll probably have to suffer through Serkan thanking Selin and apologizing to her and that might make me break whatever screen I’m watching the show on that night. I keep telling myself the writers have to know we need some comeuppance and consequences for Selin, but I’m not sure I trust them to do that. It’s possible she’ll skate again. 

The spoilers (which so far are batting about 50/50, so this is still all grain of salt) said that the last scene of 31 would be “bad” (it was IMO, ouch!) but that it would start the unmasking of Selin. If Deniz is playing Selin (which I think is very possible) then that spoiler cold still be true.  

Maybe Deniz is a straight up a manipulative villain, but it feels like we have enough of that already. Doesn’t he seem smart enough to realize that he’s never going to get Eda through trickery, and would be much better served by championing her best interests instead of employing underhanded tactics to separate Eda/Serkan? So maybe he’ll help humiliate Selin by reveling what she’s doing. Who knows, we shall see. 

Anonymous said: The thing that bothers me the most is serkan's attitude towards eda. When he is alone with her he is vulnerable, attentive to her, listens and tries to find out more about her and their love and the moments they spent together, he tries to remember. And when he is surrounded by other people especially selin he is completely different with her. He is cold, says cruel things to her (the moment he said that he will never marry her seriously serkan?) and he humiliates her constantly. PART1

Really I wonder why this sudden change every time there is surely something we don't know yet. PART2

Yes, there could be something we don’t know that’s contributing to his behavior. 

Though @echoapothecary had a good theory about those spoilers that came out about how Selin was doing something with pills and potential drugging of Serkan... what if the spoiler types got it wrong from call sheets and mistook Ceren with the pills for something Selin was doing? 

Serkan’s behavior could just be his pre-Eda robotic personality terrified of the person he becomes after Eda, combined with Selin’s abusive manipulation and brainwashing, combined with traumatic brain injury, combined with PTSD from the plane crash. That’s a lot to overcome. 

Anonymous said: Poor Eda how much pain can she bear , she is suffering so much and she tries to stay strong and do everything she can to get her serkan back. I feel so much sympathy for her character, she has endured so much but she remains strong in spite of everything. If she decides to give up I wouldn't blame her, she has the right to think about herself for once. It's up to serkan now to open up to her, to show that he cares about her and wants to remember her.

My heart breaks for Eda. However, come on, it’s been like a week. Eda is stronger than than that, she wouldn’t be Eda if she gave up. She knows Serkan is suffering from a brain injury and being manipulated by that barnacle.

Also, remember how we spent episode 20-26 with Eda keeping her distance and controlling everything while Serkan worked his tail off to get her back, his love never wavering. They work because they don’t give up on one another.

Anonymous said: The only way for serkan to react is to feel that he is going to lose eda (she had already tried everything, recreating their moments, kissing him but nothing worked). Eda knows this and that's why she decided to start this game with Deniz, it's her only motivation. To make serkan react, be jealous, feel that he is about to lose her just like in episode 11 to finally confess his feelings. P1/

At first I was totally against this fake engagement but now that I see it from another point of view it seems to me that it is a good idea. Just how could eda have guessed that deniz was not sincere in his intention to help her and just wanted to take advantage of the situation. P2/

Yes, you’re right. Eda knows that Serkan needs to be pushed into a corner to act. That’s what happened the first time. If only we see a reaction like he had the first time around!

What I didn’t like is when Deniz expounded on their “love story” and made up the whole thing about them promising to get married which prompted Serkan to ask Eda if he knew about that. Eda had to say no and I feel like that gives Serkan a mistaken view of their relationship. That they were not in a place where they would have confided such things. It feels like it works against Eda’s objective. So that move puts a mark in the “Deniz is actually a manipulative shit-stain” category. 

I just so badly want one of the other characters (Engin, Leyla) to accuse Serkan of being jealous and for him to respond that he doesn’t get jealous and for them to be all like, “Yeah, maybe you didn’t used to get jealous, but with Eda you were jealous of anything that competed for her attention, including babies and dogs!”

Anonymous said: i love that scene on the boat where serkan stays behind after dismissing selin (when he all too eager to take eda home before btw!!) and he's thinking about their moments together.. it's not flashbacks to his memories of her, but he's thinking about the moments that they've shared the DOES remember right now... boy is he already falling for her all over again

Yes, me too! That was very good moment. He sends his “fiancé” on her way without really even questioning where she’s been and then sits and thinks about another woman. 

He’s got to be close to catching a clue! If only he didn’t emotionally destroy Eda every time he freaks out. 

Anonymous said: i think it's hard for most people to watch serkan be "robot-y" after sooo many episodes of him evolving and growing and being in love with eda.. but i remember back to the first episodes and there are times and moments where he IS harsh with her there too.. they would have a close moment and then the next day he would be ice cold.. the same things happens now.. he has always, even back then, fought himself falling in love until he couldn't any longer and felt like he was actually losing her.

Yes! This is Serkan circa episode 3 when he freaked out and was a total and complete asshole to Eda. It just hurts so much more this time around. Then Eda, and the audience, could let it roll off our backs because they didn’t have history. Now we have 30 episode of history and love and evolution and it is hella painful to go back to that place again. 

However, it is pretty realistic to his character and the guy we met in the beginning. What’s not entirely realistic is him taking refuge in Selin. But I suppose you take the fact that the last thing he remembers they were together, and forget the reason they broke up is that he was never going to marry her, throw in her trauma, manipulation and brainwashing and here we are at engaged!

Anonymous said: you know i never considered how the show must feel if you binge watched all of it.. i started watching from the 1st ep so it's always been this cycle of waiting a loooong week in between, but it must feel different if you've binged it.. i feel like storylines def won't feel as dragged out and therefore you wouldn't feel as frustrated by how long the plot would take.. like we waited 10+ weeks for edser to get back together but now someone can just breeze thru those episodes lol.

Yes, binging would take away a lot of the pain those of us week to week have felt. I binged through episode 9 and it’s been week to week for me every since. Like I said in that other ask, I like week to week, because I like fandom. I like talking to you all in my ask box and I like content, and having time to digest things and I like following the cast and getting spoilers, but the downside is the PAIN. LMAO. 

Anonymous said: wow, they even stole your caption. so sorry this happened to you , i hope they take it down soon! i know you work hard to create these gifs and posts ❤

This is about the gal who reposted my gifset yesterday. Thank you so much, she did delete it. As I say, I’m more than fine with people using the gifs for reactions and meta and stuff like that, but it’s against every bit of tumblr etiquette (and rules) to repost entire sets as your own. Please don’t do that.

[gilded-green]

Eeeeeeee!!! Congrats on ten years!! I am having FEELINGS about this! All of your OCs are my favourites and I am so grateful for Stingrae’s support. I would commit CRIMES for a rewrite of GG, but mostly I want to know whether you have any favourite things you want to share? <3 <3 <3

Thank you Polly!!!! <3<3<3

We all owe Stingrae so much I stg.

I would also probably commit crimes for a rewrite of GG but frankly that’d still involve me having to WRITE it so idk if it’d help. XD

Oh jeez MY favorite things??? Uhhhh okay let’s see...

The fact that I am STILL loving this story and very devoted to it even after years, many of which were just radio silence. I knew that I was the slow and steady type, but it’s nice to have confirmation. XD

The fact that when I started writing this fic I was younger than Lu Ten is at the beginning, and now I am older than he’ll be at the end. Jk that’s not a favorite thing it’s just a pathetically hilarious thing forgive me lol. XD

I think I was one of the first people to say “actually Lu Ten would kind of be an imperialist jerk” long before I knew the term “imperialist”

ALL THE HISTORY AND CULTURAL THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM RESEARCHING FOR MY FICS. I learned a lot of history as a kid but good curriculums on Chinese history just didn’t EXIST back then, or at least didn’t exist in the homeschooling catalogs my mother was able to access, so it’s really nice to have a hobby that also helps me learn stuff.

Huang and Wu Sheng. I love them so much and I’m very proud of them and how they always catch new readers’ attention because they are NOT what you’d expect of Dai Li agents. I can’t wait to expand upon them and their backstories in upcoming fics.

Shirong, and how people can’t decide if they love him or hate him or relate to him or all of them at once. XD

The fact that, ten years later, people have FINALLY STOPPED ASKING ME if I took Shirong from a certain other fic, because the idea of different writers looking at the same baby name lists is a foreign concept :P

Literally everything about the Preservation Branch, I’m so proud of my dumb museum guards

The fact that it’s been so long since I first wrote GG and I’ve written so much other stuff since then that a lot of things people REALLY wanted elaboration on back in the day (Enlai, Huang and Wu Sheng) have kinda fallen to the wayside. I get a lot more questions about Nanyue and the Dai family now. The passage of time sure is funny!

Just the fact that I was actually able to write Gilded Green at all. Like. It’s hard to explain. But I had to grow into my writing. Or my writing style, or approach to writing...idk what to call it. But this thing I do? With the worldubilding? And the OCs? And just the careful web of....stuff? I always wanted to do that, even as a kid, I grew up on massive stories like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings with crazy worldbuilding backgrounds and deep meanings and elaborate politics and I could not figure out how to tell stories like that myself. I remember being 12 years old staring at a bunch of concepts for an original fantasy idea I had and realizing that I had no idea how to make them work because I was too young to understand how the world worked. I remember deciding to shelve that whole story because I realized I didn’t even know what I didn’t know. Tolkien and Star Wars didn’t really explain how the worldbuilding happened, it was just THERE and I couldn’t figure out how to make it appear for myself, it wasn’t exactly easy for a child to figure out. Sometimes I envy kids these days who’re growing up with, like, Elena of Avalor, that show lays out some FANTASTIC political responsibility concepts in ways kids can understand, I could’ve used that as a kid. I was also crap at understanding how people actually interact with each other and just....had all these issues with figuring out how to make a story work, not at the writing level, but on a my-understanding-of-the-universe level, which was kinda humbling and also kinda scary. And some of that was youth, and some of that was undiagnosed ADD making it so that I just didn’t Get Things, but either way when I tentatively started writing GG and realized that wait, I think it’s making sense, and the characters are interacting and it’s not weird, and I think I’m GETTING it, omg, AM I GETTING IT??? That was a great feeling, even if it did feel like I was balancing on a tightrope.

ALSO the way in which you can KINDA track me slowly going from raised-in-a-conservative-Christian-environment to WELP-I’m-queer-and-pretty-progressive-now over the course of my writing, tho that may be hard to see if you don’t know what you’re looking at. I can see it tho, lol. I was fortunate in that my upbringing was just kinda incidental because my mother was too tired to consider any other approach to life, and as time went on my family all actually grew into very different, much better people. I was kind of the trailblazer in that regard tho (not fun) and frankly it was fanfiction that helped me get over my queerphobia and internalized misogyny, and it was the racebending protests that cropped up around The Movie That Shall Not Be Named that made me start to realize how racism actually worked and what cultural misappropriation was. If you squint you MIGHT be able to make out where in my stories I started getting excited over my newfound beliefs and started frantically shaking more sexualities over my characters like “I have GOT to de-heteronormative-ize this” XD But yeah this fic has been a big part of my life and you can see me changing as a person if you know where to look.

MY OCs. The fact that my OCs win people over so well! I had a very volatile relationship with OCs in my youth - self-inserts were A Thing Of The Devil in fandom back then and were to be mocked. I was, I’m semi-sorry to say, part of that crowd - never flamed anyone directly, because I was raised to Not Be Mean, but I joined in on the mocking on private message boards. These days I look back on my youthful indiscretions with eye-rolling fondness, because I can now see how much internalized misogyny I was dealing with and I’m very much over the whole idea of Mary-Sues. But the community I was with did actually have a lot of GOOD writing advice as well, and it was a fun group of people, so I can’t fully regret my time there. When fandom drift eventually caused me to float away, I took those lessons on what made an OC annoying and useless with me, and when I started writing OCs of my own, I made sure to go in the opposite direction. It really seems to have paid off!

The fact that I’ve managed to collect a small but loyal following and see the same names popping up after I post something. I don’t think I could handle being a BNF, but knowing that I’ve got a dozen people who consistently read and enjoy my stuff? That’s so cool. <3

There’s a LOT of other stuff, really, but off the top of my head...here you go! <3

[hayjeon]

Union

→ arrangemarriage!au between werewolf!taehyung and wolfhunter!reader → 01 | 02

Ok, originally, this was supposed to be a hella long-ass oneshot, but I am still only like halfway through it and am definitely gonna miss the Halloween deadline, so....here’s a drabble LOL I’ll keep you guys updated with the rest!

Part of this drabble game with @foreverpark

“And here, your highnesses, is your shared wedding room.”

The maid leaves the both of you alone, retreating with a lowered gaze and a quick pitter-patter of footsteps.

You enter, and he shuts the door behind the both of you.

“You should probably stay here for the night, or they will ask questions.” You observe, looking around the room. “I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

He walks up to you, his leather boots echoing in the cold room of the castle. You hear the mattress of the bed squeak before you turn to him, shocked that he didn’t even hold a bit of resistance to your offer to sleep on the couch.

Blinking back tears, you square your shoulders and retreat to the restroom, where the maids have lain out a clean nightgown and a steaming bath for you to relax in.

One by one, the pins scratching your scalp and the ribbons and laces on your dress come off, until the wretched wedding dress lay there like a mop on the tiles of the bathing room.

A long sigh releases from your lungs the moment your body sinks into the rose-water, shaky and a bit raspy from an entire day of tearing up or holding back said tears. You cup the water in your hands and press your palms to your face, letting the water wash away all the makeup and the streaks the tears have caused in your perfect mask.

It had been done. You were now married to a wolf, cementing the union between the hunters and the wolves physically and symbolically. Your fathers had arranged it years ago when the threat of war was clearly also a threat to both your species. Hunters would have fought until death, because it was what they were bred to do. Wolves would have fought until everyone’s death, for revenge and out of loyalty. The Great War would have wiped out both your species forever.

And so, you now have a husband, one whom you’ve barely conversed with before, and don’t intend to. This marriage was purely for your kindgoms’ sakes, for the skeptics who didn’t believe that a true union between the two historically feuding races would be possible. Behind doors, and within castle walls, you nor the prince of wolves needed to keep up the front of being the perfect, married couple.

You’re almost dozing off when you hear a quick rap on the door of the bathing room. You curl your arms around your chest, breathing out, “Yes?”

The knocks come again. No response.

You groan, reaching out and grabbing the towels the maids had set for you, and wrapping it around your hair. You pull the robe around your shoulders and tie the sash tightly before padding to the door and opening it slightly.

He’s standing there, in all his glory and wedding attire, with an unreadable expression.

You clear your throat, and move aside so that he can enter, and leave immediately.

He hadn’t said a word to you since the moment he said “I do” to the officiator earlier, and this situation seemed like he wouldn’t change a bit either.

You hear the thick wooden door fall shut behind you and you sigh, dropping your clothes where the maids would be able to find them and making your way to the closet. Yanking open the closet door, your eyes bulge at what you see.

From floor to ceiling, the closet that originally is supposed to hold your dresses and linens is now stocked with lingerie and slips that reveal more to the eye rather than let the imagination do the work. You rustle through the heaps of hangers, but all you can feel with your fingertips is either the glide of silk or the dainty scratch of  lace. Nothing like regular cotton, or even anything that covers your entire chest.

You pull the lapels of the robe closer together and dry your hair. If this was what you needed to sleep in, then so be it. But you needed to take the bed, because you’d probably freeze to death in your thin robe without any blankets to sleep with.

By the time you’re done getting ready for bed, the door to the bathing room hasn’t budged a bit, and neither have you heard a word or sound from your husband. You sigh, feeling hestitant to just take his bed without explaining, but lie within the soft bedsheets nonetheless, sighing as the plush mattress comforts your tired body and the soft linens caress the exposed skin on your legs.

“What is the meaning of this?”

You bolt up, hands clutching the bedsheets close as you turn. You almost scream at the sight.

Taehyung stands there half-naked, a flimsy towel wrapped around his waist and his robe hanging off his shoulders and doing nothing to hide his very wet, and very naked chest from you. You avert your eyes, and gulp. “I-...the m-maids only stocked very revealing clothes in the closet. I have no other choice but to sleep in the bed with the blankets, or else freeze to death in this castle tonight.”

He quirks an eyebrow, unfolding the pants he had in his hands. You turn your body completely as he nonchalantly drops the towel around his waist and begins changing in front of you. The indecency! You’d heard horror stories of how carnal and indecent the species of wolves were, them being animals nonetheless, but you’d never imagined it to be like this.

“H-How dare y-you!” You manage, but your eyes bulge and you whip your head back to him when you feel the bed dip and the blankets rustle.

“What are you doing?!”

He leans back against the headboard, bare chest and shoulders peeking out of the edge of the blanket, his robe and towel discarded on the floor. He gazes at you, bored. “I am sleeping in my bed.”

You huff at the nonchalance. “Yes, I understand. But I’ve told you why it’s imperative that I take the bed tonight while we have to share premises.”

He shrugs. The wolf, shrugs. “So be it,” he says, and he sinks into the pillows and sheets and closes his eyes.

You clench your teeth. Your mother raised you to be a polite, respectable woman. Your people were hunters who were originally bred to hunt and kill wolves in cold blood, but they also prided themselves on being a respectable and progressive people who maintained all the honorable and proprieties that humanity could think of. Your species was so traditional that even vampires respected your thousand-year customs.

You sit up, and straighten your spine.

“I command you to get out of my bed.” You say, voice steady and stern.

Usually, with this tone, your maids would scatter and the warriors and big burly men who ridicule you would leave with their tail between their legs. Your father used to tell you that you were born with your mother’s soft looks, but with his steely gaze and demeanor. It was why he chose you to marry the wolf.

But instead of immediately fleeing the sheets, the wolf, Taehyung, opens an eye lazily, and closes it. “No. It is my bed.” He says.

“I will say it again,” you seethe, teeth clenched. “I command you to get out of your queen’s bed.”

He doesn’t even respond this time around.

You’d had it with him. You kneel up, hands gripping the edge of his blanket, and tug as hard as you can. It was juvenile, but you heard that the creatures were very...animalistic. This was as much as you could manage.

But his hand reaches out and snatches your wrist in his palm, his fingers gripping tight and pulling suddenly, so that you yelp and fall toward him. Your other hand shoots out to cradle your fall, and leaves you hovering over him, hair cascading on both sides of you, and hands on either side of his head.

Immediately, you try to pry away, but his grip is firm, and he opens his eyes to reveal a stormy gaze, much different than the one he’d sported earlier lazily.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” he mutters, glaring up at you.

“Do what? Unhand me immediately!” You grit, trying to yank your wrist out of his grip.

“Or else what?” He says, lip tipping up mockingly. “What will you do, your highness?”

“Or else,” you stammer, “O-or else I’ll-I’ll scream! And I’ll tell them you tried to force me!”

He laughs, fingers loosening, but not letting go. “You can scream if you want to. But what will you tell them when they come here, and see you, half-dressed in your robe that’s hanging open, crouching over me like this at an unforgiveable time of the night, on our wedding night?”

You scramble back and he lets you, and you immediately pull the lapels of your robe closed.

“H-how d-dare you!” You manage, too shaken and angry to say anything coherent.

He shrugs, settling down into his sheets again. “You may sleep here, if you want. It is entirely your choice. However, you doing so will not effect my comfort or my sleep.”

You glare at him as he grins at you.

“We are in this marriage for one reason only. You won’t scream. You can’t scream, because once you do, they’ll know that this was all a ruse, and all for the appearances, and then the deal will be off. So why don’t you quiet down, and settle in?”

“I won’t do anything to you. It will be a long night. Sleep, and we shall discuss how to fool the maids into thinking that we consummated our marriage in the morning before they come in.”

You shiver in the chill of the bedroom. The stone walls of the new castle did nothing to keep the goosebumps from sprouting all over your arms and legs.

Glaring warily at him, you slide your legs under the covers. He smirks at the sight and closes his eyes.

“The moment you try to touch me again, wolf,” you sneer, “I will have your hands removed and kicked out of this kingdom forever.”

“If you say so, your majesty.” He drawls.

“We will never, ever, consummate our marriage. You will never be able to seduce me.” You say, for good measure.

This comment makes him open his eyes.

“Oh, I won’t do anything to seduce you, your highness.” He says, chuckling a little bit. In the dim light of the single candle next to your bed, you see his gaze darken a little bit. “But I do promise you, one day, you’ll come begging for me to take you, and it’ll be a night you’ll never forget.”