#but unless they force me I’m not going | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

spikeyjo · 2 years ago

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Currently on strike from my house. Fuck being inside and ******** we outside now baby

#I ain’t going back in until someone else is with me #I’m so tired of being mentally ill bro I want this over eoth #my throat hurts from screaming #at least I have therapy tmmrw #which I know what they are gonna say #but unless they force me I’m not going

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robo-milky · 1 year ago

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Randomized Interactions/Cursed Ship?? (Whichever is funnier) #1: Cloche and Jade

*I ALSO FIND IT FREAKING FUNNY THAT JADE LITERALLY CAME TO MY LOG IN-*

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howdoyousleep3 · 2 months ago

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I would like to rant about motherhood and the awful things about it, read more bar is there if you don’t want to read it or engage with my rant. I don’t blame you if you want nothing to do with it, it’s more for me anyway lol

Never in my life have I ever felt so lonely and so depressed, just genuinely, at the core sad and alone.

I have people in my life, but I don’t have a village. My village is in shambles. It’s full of people who like to ask how I am, but don’t like to hear that I’m not well. The people I’ve reached out to got angry at me for reaching out, so I’ve just stopped reaching out. “I’m fine.” The people who have helped me with the girls fuck it up every fucking time, don’t listen to me or my wishes or my open anxieties. So, not only do I not share how I’m actually doing, now I don’t call on people to help me because it isn’t worth the trouble of them fucking up my children’s day-to-day life and schedule.

It’s impossible to not feel like a burden to others when their lives are unaffected, when they aren’t drowning like I am, when every aspect of their life hasn’t been greatly altered and twisted. I am not the same person I once was and I’ll never go back to her. I don’t know how to dress, I don’t know how to interact with people, I don’t know what my hobbies are. It’s hard to not feel like a bother when I’ve been this sad for this long.

No one understands if they haven’t done this before, if they haven’t become a mother. I understand what mothers before me were talking about when they told me motherhood is lonely. This is an experience that is so specific and can only be understood if you have experienced it. Another reason I don’t confide in others in my life— they don’t understand.

I’m so tired of the empty, “I’m sorry”s. I’m so tired of waking up and living the same day over and over. I’m so tired of my husband’s life being virtually unaffected by the birth of our girls while mine is so genuinely fucked up now.

I’m just so tired and so lonely and so sad.

And now Husband leaves in a week to start a new job three hours away and I’ll be staying here with the girls. Even more alone.

#personal #very personal #PPD #postpartum #yes I’m in therapy lol #thank god #yesterday and today have just been so hard #and it’s arguably been triggering lol #thanks for reading if you did #this shit is no joke #do not have children unless you’re ready to be as selfless as you possible can be #I’m so serious #parenthood is not for the weak #to be CONSTANTLY needed at every point of the day is going to force me into psychosis

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simgerale · 8 months ago

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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game

#hi everyone #I’m going around hugging you all #okay now that we are gathered here today #i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best #i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time #and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol #but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine #literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything #I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour #then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it #and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again #I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do #so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday #y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts #I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story #I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my #own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents #.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire #but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself #I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump #I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions #I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well #I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it #I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing #I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time

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lilworms · 9 days ago

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so

#last night was really so so so fun and it was super hard to get myself to go out? like #in the sense of I really wanted to because I knew it would be fun but I also knew my anxiety was eating me alive #and it would be an obstacle getting through that without alcohol and I need to be … careful #but I got fun drunk and didn’t have too bad of a hangover and didn’t feel super anxious once we got out :#and a different friend wants to make plans for tonight but I am really bad at making plans in advance because sometimes I physically can’t #do things after work bc tired bc neuro disorder and it’s frustrating to my friend with severe control issues #bc she needs to make specific plans like a week out and I’m like erm babe I can’t like #do that? and then if I don’t feel well day of and need to be home she gets (rightfully) frustrated because I’m bailing but it’s #challenging. and you don’t understand unless you live with it.#and it’s frustrating for us both. I don’t want her to think I don’t value her because I do and I force myself out often enough bc I #genuinely feel bad. but it’s so fucking hard sometimes . she also lives sort of far so going from work and having #to drive an hour to her place to then go somewhere and be out like #I’m spent before I even get there #friend I saw last night and I don’t talk consistently but when we do it’s always the same vibe and so fun and we just catch up about life #I feel like when I see my other friends they have things to always talk about because they’re in a discord call almost every night #I don’t have the energy!!!!!!!!!! like I’m so sorry that’s so much for me #idk she isn’t answering me now but if she wants to do something I need to know in the next hr bc if not I’m literally going to bed #I love her but there’s a disconnect between us rn and I don’t know how to mend that gap #but I do love her friendship so I’m just like. sigh #idk it would be different if she was closer and I know that #I hope getting back on medication helps get me being more social again. I’m just so tired this week that speaking is hard lol

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iknowwhereyousleepatnight · 3 months ago

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should i sleep for a hundred million years or purposefully stop sleeping just to see what happens

#i have slept 2 hours and haven’t been able to fall asleep again for like 3 hours and i was really tired and mad abt it but now i am not #tired and not mad abt it so maybe the path i should be taking is to stop sleeping. sleeping a lot gives me little energy and i’ve been #having trouble sleeping anyway so maybe i should use this to my advantage and run my little sleep deprivation experiment that i was #originally planning to do a couple years back but then got sooo eepy sleepy that i didn’t really get far. but maybe that’s bc i wanted to #go 72 hours straight w/o sleep so i could record my response to it. i should be more subtle i think. maybe only a few hours a night #and more 30 hour waking periods. do not listen to a single thing i say ever i’m an unreliable narrator btw. i think i could trigger smth #fun to happen i:m a good age for sleep deprivation to do something fun and interesting to me and i want to play god #but i’d get kinda sad being awake all the time bc sleeping is like my number one coping mechanism. then again the pain of losing #that on top of the physical and mental consequences of sleep deprivation would be like so cool. it would pain me so much #but i find that compelling. do not listen to a single word i say i will realize this is dumb later but rn i do kinda want to think abt #running my little experiments and trying to ruin myself further. i’m such a good thing to think abt experimenting on bc i’m so affected #by things i just wish i had more force of will Does anyone want to kidnap me and keep me awake for 72 hours (i’m thinking electrocution #will be involved) and keep notes i fear i’d give up and i wouldn’t keep good enough track of things which would be so sad #obvi it would be unethical but i’m cool w that. i would also want it all on camera for review purposes. hmm i’m digging this idea. 72 hours #is not very long and i doubt there would be lasting consequences so it seems like a good idea. however i’d want to do this when i have #things to keep me busy and restricted access to places to sleep. okay i must think on this further pay no mind to what i say unless u have #suggestions like how to keep yourself from giving in bc i always have difficulty w that one

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bibleofficial · 2 months ago

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wallpaper is insane like u find a product w an ugly print ? wallpaper it. just multiple uncoordinated things put together ? wallpaper it. ugly door ? wallpaper it. ugly wall ? landlord won’t let me wallpaper it

#stream #tumblrs aging demographic etc but this was actually abt diys #the years of getting very stoned & watching the sorry girls & not even remembering what the original video was have prepared me to diy #everything #like ALSKALSKALSKLAKSLAKAA i love pullin shit out the trash like u don’t want it ? i do ‼️#i can REPURPOSE IT #i think it’s so funny #like the way i was raised was to recycle or whatever but my father also raised us to save everything bc what if u need the parts u know dads #so i just do. one of my core memories from ‘a child’ i was probably in like 8th grade at this point was when the hubcap of my fathers car #fell off his old as dirt hunk of junk older than me automobile & he was too cheap to pay like 25$ for a new 1 so he took my brother & i to #this like drainage ditch expecting US to go poke around in there & get it & i said absolutely fuckin not #bc this same man would tell us - bc we had to buy our own toys so like we u know saved whenever we got money from bday or christmas or u #know manual labour in exchange for money bc ok yea at least he taught us to demand what ur worth w that but it was like 5c ea pinecone 1c ea #stick or like ‘help me repair the roof’ ‘pressure wash the fence’ i was like 9 ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLAAKS - he’d take us to the toy store &#we’d bring our money but instead we’d go to the hardware store & do all the errands & force us to do everything w him then he’d just say #‘yea it’s too late for that sorry’ like it was just. captive audience. this man is the reason i don’t go anywhere unless i know i can leave #on my own or when i want somehow bc girl …. I DONT TRUST ANYBODY HES A LIAR & A SCAMMER LIKE #but that’s just family heritage it’s genetic we’re a long line of liars & scammers but the buck ends here bc i’m not having bio children #or any children #lord knows i’ll be dead long before the chance could arise #i shouldn’t say things like that but ALSKALKSLAKSLAKSLAKSLA WE KNEW WE’D DIE YOUNG #this started w wallpaper #i’m so high #also very very bored #i’ve to do dishes & i absolutely 100% do not want to i hate dishes so fucking much i hate doing them i hate being around them i hate seeing

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strangenessandcharrn · 2 years ago

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something so personal about the parallel that is travis saying "quit acting like such a saint" to natalie (someone who is constantly being thought guilty of sin- though they never had sex) and shauna loving the saints because 'they were all so tragic' and then eulogizing jackie as a saint (someone who travis had sex with before her death)

they're so who is the lamb and who is the knife coded

#not to mention shauna wanted to have sex with jackie / travis wanted to have sex with natalie but couldn’t bc of societal implications #jackie is thought to be a priss for not having sex with jeff but it was bc she didn’t love him and wanted to save herself #and natalie is thought to be a sl*t bc she didn’t save herself even though she wanted to do it with someone she loved #and she was always going to be thought of as one bc people will make their own assumptions of you #which is the only reason why jackie even stays with jeff #beyond that they’re the perfect example of self preservation over selfishness #or rather it as a concept because they’re both hiding from themselves in the real world and in the woods #(and I love them both for it)#natalie sacrifices herself daily willingly and jackie wouldn't lift a finger at least when stranded for anyone unless she were forced to #bc I think deep down natalie has put herself in danger both for others but also bc she’s suicidal and jackie is rightfully selfish bc she #doesn’t want to die. but we’re not ready for that conversation #natalie indirectly caused the death of another person and jackie unintentionally committed ‘the ultimate sin’ but only one will be damned #just thinking #also this isn’t me saying that having sex or sex before marriage is a sin I’m only referencing christianity/religious imagery in the show #nor is su*cide or thoughts of su*cide #yellowjackets #they are NEVER beating the laura / audrey allegations (and yes I’m aware they’re very different)#natalie x jackie #jackienat #k

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paperglader · 7 months ago

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ok so we have one job this banner and one job only, which is to get jingliu in like 3 pulls, alright? last week i did not play cause ✨academia✨, I spent the last banner getting acheron 3 times and not getting her light cone in spite of endless pulling… I am not willing to spend a single dime, and yet with delusion as my only guide, I believe I can get this done. We have to manifest people. We have to make things happen, ok?

I am getting jingliu early.

reblog so that we all get jingliu early!!

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lunarrosette · 2 months ago

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How to explain I’m hypefixated on the game one night ultimate werewolf but not actually the game but smth my friend wrote that was based on it and getting hyperfixated on that meant the original game it’s self gets looped in

#shit post #one night ultimate werewolf #this is for no one #unless my irl who also knows abt this sees it #basically what I’m saying is dndads is not my main hyperfixation rn and I also have zero free time #so potentially idk maybe dndads and gf shit posts but I’m now forced to scream at like 5 ppl abt my hyperfixation #bc it’s not like on the internet somewhere it was shown to me and my friends #lunarrosette’s shit #this is the real reason you shouldn’t go to theatre school

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elena-fishr · 3 months ago

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#Y’all don’t bring Nadine up unless you wanna fight 😭#I mentioned somewhere that I wish her scenes (those ‘boss fights’??) were cutscenes because the gameplay and player choice is an illusion #But that’s not an acceptable opinion to have I guess #Btw it has nothing to do with story or characters but THE GAME and the PLAYER #I’m ranting #But it’s because I was called an insecure man #I’m sorry?#People don’t even listen to you they just hear oh you don’t like Nadine then you can’t handle seeing a strong woman #But that wasn’t at all what I was saying #She can have those scenes where she kicks butt cuz that’s the point of her character in 4 #But I’m not gonna pretend those sections are fun for me #I wish they were cutscenes #That is all #am I crazy? Am I hateful?#Gimme the L in a cutscene #I’ve also thought about this in DMC5 #There’s an early boss fight that you’re meant to lose and I’m not so mad about that #After thinking about it it’s because player choice wasn’t taken away #You have all your move set and abilities and the ability to win is there you get a special ending #Nate can’t jump or roll or do his best because you’re given the illusion of playing but it’s only going down one way #And personally I don’t like it #Nothing to do with character or story it’s the illusion of gameplay that’s annoying to go thru #It’s taking things away from the player #Also in dmc5 there’s a forced walk section with V #It’s like less than a minute but it feels AWFUL especially in a game where everywhere else you have full character control #Giving control to the player is important #That’s why I think Mgs5 is so nice #You can infiltrate the same guard post an infinite amount of different ways #It’s up to you #im big boss and you are too

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facetsofthecloset · 7 months ago

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Tbh my life would be pretty perfect right now if my current part time janitoring job paid. Like. A livable wage. Genuinely love doing it, the hours are perfect, I like my coworkers (and don’t have to interact with them much which might contribute to that lol), it leaves me so much time and energy afterward to enjoy my day and live my life—

Except I’m still scraping the bottom of my savings to pay the Existing Fees. Not quite as fast, which is nice, definitely, but like. What if I wasn’t in the red and had this job I think is important and enjoy but also doesn’t consume 110% of my whole life. What then, huh? I might have a good time? I might actually have a chance of kicking my constant SI at some point? Can’t have that can we? Misery is the currency that runs the world isn’t it? Can’t have people having a good time. We might be better off as a society then and that’s not allowed obviously

#still a bit jet lagged so it’s 2 pm and I’m delirious but like #come on #come the fuck ON I could actually be HAPPY it’s like RIGHT there I can fucking see it #it’s just an entire decimal point away #and that might as well be the other side of the universe #ramblings #tbh this is the most optimistic and well-adjusted I’ve managed to be about my life in. well pretty much ever #I am happier than I was and you have no idea how amazing it is to wake up at 5 am and be like ‘alright! let’s get ready and go to work :)’#and have that be genuine!! not a forced smile hanging onto my last thinning thread! I’m #I walk to work and every day I think ‘it’s a beautiful morning’#and I come home and think ‘I’m tired but satisfied. let’s take a break and get some chores done’#and I’ve NEVER been that. idk. FUNCTIONAL in my life before #but this is unsustainable #bc I need to get a different job that pays enough at some point #or replace the time I have to maintain my home with another job #which I know would overtax me and make me miserable unless it was a /perfect/ fit as work for me #it’s not fair #it’s so STUPID #it’s just. INEFFICIENT #and I’m still fairly privileged and lucky #like. fuck. everything is just so fucked

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milo-is-rambling · 10 months ago

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Bro fuck brushing ur teeth it’s the worst thing about being a person with teeth

#me vs implementing my own made up rules that once I brush my teeth at night I’m not allowed to eat anything unless I brush my teeth again #after but now I’m like hmm I wanna go to bed kind of and it’s only eight pm so if I brush my teeth now and #then end up staying up I’ll probably eat something and then have to brush my teeth again and I fucking hate brushing my teeth idk why #it’s like. two minutes of being forced to listen to my thoughts and the grating repetitive sound of toothbrush against tooth #it makes my brain evil it’s like sensory overload to hear toothbrush sound while tasting strong mint and brushing the back of my mouth like #it’s just hell on earth for me but I want to do it !!! I want to like it!!! I want to enjoy brushing my teeth and following the expected #self care steps that you’re supposed to magically do every single day without fail which is fucking insane #ugh whatever I’m gonna take my meds and brush my teeth and then lay in bed and put beads on string until I get bored enough to do soemthing #else or I fall asleep

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itspileofgoodthings · 2 years ago

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Lavender Haze is full of such palpable hurt that makes such sense now

#why would you be mad at the tabloids in this fresh way unless it was because they kept writing the next piece of your love story #that you couldn’t will into existence all on your own #it’s not like she hasn’t processed and come to terms with her own level of fame and scrutiny #and I know the tabloids/media do that with everyone but there is always a slightly sharper clarity and universality to Taylor’s story #that brings our fundamental truths #and the whole world was like ‘okay but where is the wedding’#my mom listening to invisible string looking me dead in the eye and saying ‘she needs to be married’#and it’s like Maria how do you know it wasn’t Taylor who didn’t want to #and I don’t literally know that of course. and yet don’t I?? Don’t we???????#anyway thanks for listening because I don’t want to talk about it but I want to talk about it and this place allows me to do both #*brings out fundamental truths #anyway of course it’s more complicated than this and more private but also …. it’s probably not #again Taylor’s essence history and ongoing story forces us all to go down to the root of things and see how simple it all is #and this is no exception #okay now I’m done (for now)

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makkie-is-screaming · 1 year ago

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my dads mad at me bc I said I want a tattoo when I turn 18 n said some shit n said it would be ruining my body,, sir I’ve been cvtting since I was 12 that ship sailed. A tattoo would not be ruining my body, especially compared to some of the shit I’ve already been doing to it.

#It’s funny that he hates tattoos n piercings but my moms covered in em #n like his whole thing is if I go to college after graduating I don’t have to pay rent or anything until I finish college #apparently unless I get a tat or facial piercings #tbh I already plan on moving out as soon as my dog passes away bc I couldn’t get a place w him #but this def reassures that decision #I swear if he saw the shitty carvings on my hips n thighs he’d have a heart attack #Funny bc he specifically said I’d be paying rent n not allowed to eat food he buys if I do that n all I could think was how I’m not gonna #Be eating anyway #as soon as I’m 18 n they can’t force me to go somewhere for my ed imma stop trying to hide it #So the food threat really wasn’t a threat to me #screaming

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engagemythrusters · 2 years ago

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what I like about Tech (well, I like a lot of things about Tech, but in THIS context…) is how he speaks. Not the accent—where in gods name did he pick up that accent—but the efficacy of it.

Tech has a fast-paced, diligent brain. There’s a LOT of information being processed up there, at all times. The way to get this out of him has to be equally fast paced, so his words don’t lag behind. Best way to get that out? Blunt, abrupt, and clipped. No time to languish on words when he has to keep up with his brain. Tone? Who needs it. Gets in the way of that efficiency.

And personally, as a fellow autistic person, I can relate, but because I’m NOT like Tech in terms of speech. Because I’m not as efficient with my speaking, I’m constantly fumbling over words and getting lost halfway through sentences and often unable to complete a thought out loud. It’s painful, hearing myself talk. Because I can’t keep up with my brain, which is processing so much all the time at speeds my mouth doesn’t work.

So I am thrilled by Tech’s speaking. Way to go, you funky autistic clone, you! I wish I could get my mouth to sync with my brain the way yours does!

#SPEAK THE WORDS I AM UNABLE TO SAY #no really it’s horrible to hear me speak unless I know exactly what I’m saying #the amount of times I start and stop words and then restart them in the middle of the word…#and then same with sentences…#or just completely stop talking in the middle bc I can’t SAY what I’m trying to SAY #so honestly it’s just. me and tech pointedly NOT looking at each other from opposite sides of the same room #both autism brain go whirrrrr different way of trying to speak that fast #also we aren’t looking at each other bc I just forced myself to look my boss in the face a bunch today and that’s enough for the month #no more looking at people no thank yew #clone trooper tech #star wars: the bad batch

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